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The Relationship Maze

English, Social, 1 seasons, 154 episodes, 3 days 1 hour 8 minutes
Relationship advice and exploration. Two experienced and passionate relationship therapists talking about all aspects to do with building fulfilling relationships and marriage advice. All successful relationships start with a good look at yourself. Learn more about your relationship style and what makes you tick in relationships - the good, the bad and the ugly. We explore challenges that you might face when dating or in your relationships such as arguments and conflict, miscommunication, stress, anxiety, depression, low self esteem and much more. We consider how you can understand and change your behaviour and build more hope, resilience and strength. And we provide you with plenty of insight and advice on building a long lasting and successful relationship whether you are currently dating, just set out in a relationship or are in an established relationship or marriage.
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Unveiling the Hidden: Understanding the Impact of the Shadow in Relationships

Welcome to today's episode of The Relationship Maze, where we delve into the intriguing concept of the shadow. Join Tom and Angela as they explore how our hidden, repressed aspects known as the shadow can impact our relationships. Drawing from the teachings of Carl Jung, they discuss how the persona we present to the world hides our shadow, which holds guilt, feelings of inferiority, and even dark desires. Discover how the shadow can manifest in your own relationship dynamics and learn techniques to uncover and integrate these hidden parts of yourself. Tune in and navigate the complexities of the shadow in today's episode.01:26 Persona hides shadow; both define us.03:51 Suppression of natural instincts can cause anger.08:52 Personal shadow, shame, repressed qualities, push down.11:14 Perception is projection, noticing our own projections.15:44 Unwanted qualities in partner reveal inner fears.18:39 "Shadow's connec
27/11/202324 minutes 52 seconds
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From Swiping to Soulmates: The Potential and Pitfalls of Dating Apps in Today's Society

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: to another episode of The Relationship Maze! In today's episode Tom and Angela discuss the ever-popular world of dating apps and how attitudes towards them have evolved over the years. They delve into the reasons why dating apps can be both a blessing and a source of stress, as well as explore alternative ways to find fulfilling relationships. Whether you are a dating app enthusiast or feel overwhelmed by the online dating scene, this episode has insights and advice for everyone. So grab a cup of coffee, sit back, and join us in navigating the maze that is modern dating. Don't forget to visit the for free resources and check out their online course, The Relationship Maze. Enjoy the episode!Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicatin
20/11/202324 minutes
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The Impact of Perspectives: How to Gain Insight and Improve Communication in Relationships

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: to The Relationship Maze podcast. In this episode, Tom and Angela explore the importance of acknowledging different perspectives in relationships. We discuss the challenges of taking on someone else's viewpoint and the significance of being able to listen and understand your partner even if there view of the world might be entirely different to yours. In this episode we share exercises and insights from our experience in couples therapy to help you gain a deeper understanding of your partner's perspectives. Tune in for practical tips on improving communication and creating stronger connections with your significant other.00:57 Couples therapy focuses on understanding partner's perspective.05:43 Acknowledging different perspectives fosters personal growth.08:27 Recognizing others' stru
13/11/202325 minutes 36 seconds
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Beyond Gut Feelings: Discovering the Power of Interoception to Understand Yourself Better

Welcome to another episode of The Relationship Maze! In today's exploration, we delve into the  concept of interoception and its impact on our lives. Hosted by Tom and Angela, this episode explores our experiences of the world through our internal (biological) sensations and how these can affect us profoundly psychologically, often without conscious awareness. We perceive signals from our bodies that tell us something about our feeling states, our moods, our dispositions or our levels of stress. Interoception refers to our brain’s perception of our bodily state: our ability to sense and interpret what is happening internally, including our hunger levels, emotions, and bodily sensations. Why does interoception matter? Studies have shown that sensitivity to interoceptive signals in our body can determine our capacity to regulate our emotions. If we can regulate emotions better,  we struggle less with mental  health problems such as anxiety and depression.Join us as we d
06/11/202325 minutes 18 seconds
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Limerence: When Fantasy Takes Over Reality in Matters of the Heart

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: to a new episode of The Relationship Maze, where we delve into the complexities of human relationships. In this episode, we tackle the intriguing concept of limerence. We explore the intense and obsessive feelings of extreme infatuation that can arise for some people when feelings are not reciprocated by the other person. Limerence is the feeling of having a crush on someone multiplied by 10.Limerence, a term coined by psychologist Dr. Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, describes the phenomenon of falling head over heels for someone in an obsessive and potentially unhealthy way.  Tenov discovered that there are two types of people when it comes to falling in love: those who do so passionately and uncontrollably, the limerents, and those who are less emotionally engaged, the remilents. Characteristics of limerence include for exa
30/10/202324 minutes 56 seconds
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How Anxiety Can Sabotage Relationships: Not Being Able to Say To Assert Yourself

Welcome to The Relationship Maze, the podcast where we navigate the complexities of relationships. In today's episode, titled "Anxiety and Communication," our hosts, Tom and Angela, delve into the impact of anxiety on effective communication and the potential barriers it can create in building meaningful connections. We discuss the fears and insecurities that often prevent us from expressing our actual thoughts and emotions, exploring how the need for acceptance and the fear of rejection can hinder open and honest communication. Join us as we explore the importance of owning our own reactions and insecurities, and how this can lead to more positive and understanding interactions with others. If you're looking to build fulfilling relationships or enhance your current ones, head over to, where we offer an array of free resources and our online course, The Relationship Maze. Also, don't forget to take our free online
16/10/202325 minutes 16 seconds
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The Tensions and Triumphs of Couples Therapy: The Good, the Bad, and the Watchable

Welcome to The Relationship Maze, the podcast that explores the intricacies of navigating relationships. In today's episode your  hosts Tom and Angela discuss the appeal of the popular TV show Couples Therapy. We discuss some of the possible reasons why this show has become a global success and why it has captured the interest of younger generations. We explore the impact of personal development and social media on the popularity of watching relationships unfold on screen. Join us  as we look at the dynamics of couples therapy and how the TV show of the same name can be both informative and entertaining to watch. [00:02:36] Increased interest in personal development and therapy.[00:05:20] Well-edited highlights of therapy sessions with drama.[00:08:13] Interesting program offers general principles for couples.[00:10:22] Couples therapy normalized, important for relationships.[00:15:02] Challenging couples struggle, therapy can bri
09/10/202326 minutes 40 seconds
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How Parenting Styles Affects You and Your Children

In this episode of The Relationship Maze, hosts Tom and Angela delve into the topic of parenting styles. They discuss the consequences and effects of overly permissive or rigid parenting, drawing from their own experiences and the challenges faced by couples in therapy. Tom and Angela explore the importance of finding a balance and how our own childhood experiences shape our parenting approaches. They touch on the different parenting styles identified by developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind and explain the potential pitfalls of being overly permissive. Tune in to gain insights into effective parenting and the impact it has on relationships. Plus, don't forget to visit the for a free online conflict style quiz and expert advice on improving your relationships. Welcome to The Relationship Maze podcast![00:02:49] Strict parenting shapes adult and child experiences.[00:03:44] Parenting styles: historical, authoritarian vs. permis
02/10/202328 minutes 20 seconds
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How Do You Know You Can Trust Your Partner?

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: to today's episode of The Relationship Maze, where Tom and Angela dive deep into the concept of trust. In this episode, they discuss the challenges of establishing trust in the early stages of a relationship, especially in the age of online dating. From questions about commitment to the fear of being abandoned, Tom and Angela explore the insecurities and self-doubts that often arise. They also shed light on the different attachment styles that can influence one's level of trust and the need for reassurance. Additionally, they explore the different types of trust, including blind trust and the importance of being cautious in trusting others. Join us as we navigate the intricate path of trust in relationships on this episode of The Relationship Maze.00:00:51 Insecurity in early relationships revolves around trust.00:05:
25/09/202326 minutes 10 seconds
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The Key to Emotional and Psychological Well-being

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: to another episode of The Relationship Maze. In today's episode,  Tom and Angela delve into the topic of emotional and psychological health. They explore what it means to be emotionally and psychologically healthy, beyond the traditional focus on physical well-being. Drawing on the work of renowned Gestalt therapist Joseph Zinker, they discuss the importance of embracing the full range of emotions and avoiding the trap of toxic positivity. Tom and Angela also examine Zinker's list of the characteristics of a healthy person, with a special emphasis on self-awareness and the ability to set boundaries. Tune in as they delve deeper into these concepts and provide practical tips for developing emotional and psychological health. Don't forget to visit The Relationship Maze website for additional resources and to take their free onlin
18/09/202326 minutes 41 seconds
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7 Ways to Not Communicate With Each Other

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: to another episode of The Relationship Maze with your hosts, Tom and Angela! We're excited to bring you insights and helpful tips on navigating the complex world of relationships.In this episode, we discuss what you can possibly do to unintentionally undermine successful communication in your relationship.  Partners in relationships often sabotage their efforts to let their partner know what they think and feel. We delve into the ways that our communication patterns can hinder connection and create rifts in our relationships.  Effective communication requires conscious effort. 00:01:30 Communication is key in all relationships.00:05:27 "Beware of excessive self-expression in relationships."00:09:01 Develop awareness of your inner thoughts. Express them honestly to avoid frustration and dissatisfaction
11/09/202329 minutes 5 seconds
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7 Signs You Are With The Right Person

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: today’s episode we discuss the indicators that show you that you are in a relationship with a partner who you can build a mature and healthy relationship with. Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course: everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and que
28/08/202328 minutes 6 seconds
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When Your Partner’s Parents Are Too Present In Your Relationship

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: to the Relationship Maze podcast, where we explore the complexities of modern relationships. In today's episode, we'll be discussing the challenges you might be presented with if you experience your partner's parents as being too present in your relationship. Conversely you may be frustrated by your partner’s complaints about your own close relationship with your parents. It's not uncommon for parents to be involved in their adult child's life, but what happens when their involvement becomes intrusive or overbearing or if there is disagreement in your relationship about the appropriate amount of time that should be set aside for contact with the parents. We'll explore the reasons why some parents may be overly involved in their child's relationship, and the impact that this can have on th
22/08/202327 minutes 18 seconds
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Dealing With Your Inner Critic - Interview with Julia Bueno

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: we are speaking with psychotherapist and author Julia Bueno. We will be discussing the important and challenging area of dealing with your inner critic.Julia Bueno is a qualified, experienced, and UKCP registered Integrative Psychotherapist and Counsellor, working in Stoke Newington N16. She is author of 'Everyone's a critic' - can follow her on Instagram at is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Argu
14/08/202329 minutes 9 seconds
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Why do you get attracted to the wrong people?

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: to the Relationship Maze podcast, where we explore the complexities of modern relationships. In today's episode, we'll be discussing the topic of getting attracted to the wrong people. Have you ever found yourself drawn to someone who is clearly not a good match for you? Do you find yourself repeating the same patterns in your relationships, despite knowing that they don't serve you well? If so, you're not alone.We'll explore the reasons why we often find ourselves attracted to the wrong people, from childhood experiences to unconscious patterns of behavior. We'll also discuss strategies for breaking free from these patterns and cultivating healthy relationships that support our growth and well-being. Join us as we delve into the complexities of getting attracted to the wrong people, and gain
07/08/202329 minutes 10 seconds
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When Dividing Chores Becomes the Biggest Chore in Your Relationship

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: to the Relationship Maze podcast, where we explore the complexities of modern relationships. In today's episode, we'll be discussing the important topic of dividing chores in your relationship. Sharing household responsibilities is a common challenge for many couples, and can cause tension and conflict if not handled effectively. Join us as we delve into the complexities of dividing chores in your relationship, and gain a deeper understanding of how to cultivate a fair and equitable partnership that supports both partners. Whether you're struggling with dividing chores in your own relationship or simply interested in learning more about this common issue, this episode is packed with valuable insights and practical tips for navigating the challenges of modern relationships.What is your argument style? Find ou
31/07/202329 minutes 41 seconds
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Are You And Your Partner Too Enmeshed With Each Other?

In this episode of the Relationship Maze podcast, we'll be exploring the topic of enmeshment in relationships. Enmeshment is a common dynamic in relationships where individuals become overly involved in each other's lives, to the point where they lose their individual identities and personal boundaries. This can lead to a range of problematic presentations, including co-dependency, emotional manipulation, and a loss of personal autonomy. Enmeshment can also be present in one partner only, who struggles with separation anxiety in the relationship. While closeness in a relationship is of course important, enmeshment is the unhealthy extreme of emotional intimacy.We'll explore the causes and consequences of enmeshment, as well as strategies for identifying and addressing this dynamic in our own relationships. Join us as we delve into the complexities of enmeshment in relationships, and gain a deeper understanding of how to cultivate healthy boundaries
24/07/202327 minutes
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Interview with Dr Steven C. Hayes - Acceptance & Commitment Therapy

Find out about our comprehensive course to help you create fulfilling relationships on our website: to the Relationship Maze podcast, where we explore the complexities of modern relationships. In today's episode, we are talking with Dr Steven C. Hayes, the originator of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).Frequently we get caught up in the trap of our own minds. The struggle with trying to manage our thoughts and feelings can stop us from fully engaging with our lives and our relationships. ACT presents a ground breaking approach to help you discover a different way to relate to your thoughts and feelings so that you can find more peace and fulfilment in your life and relationships.Dr. Steven C. Hayes is an Emeritus Professor of Psychology at the University of Nevada, Reno and President of the Institute for Better Health, a 45-year old charitable organization dedicated to better mental and behavioral heal
17/07/202339 minutes 41 seconds
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Whose Disorder Is It Anyway? - The Merits and Pitfalls of Having a Mental Health Diagnosis

Welcome to the Relationship Maze podcast, where we explore the complexities of the human experience.In today's episode we talk about the advantages and disadvantages of having a mental health diagnosis. In daily language many people refer to themselves or others as having a personality disorder - often very serious presentations are bandied about quite flippantly. Presentations can also be weaponised by one partner over the other, i.e. 'The only problem here is your Borderline Personality Disorder'.It can be very helpful to finally find out that the challenges that you face fall within cluster of presentations that are recognised as creating difficulties in your life; by the same token a diagnosis can also mean that you feel stuck  - and often helpless - in a particular identity.We discusswho can diagnose a personality disorder or schizophreniawhat an assessment might look likethe challenges with diagnosing a
10/07/202327 minutes 25 seconds
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Loneliness - You're Not Alone

Welcome to the Relationship Maze podcast, where we explore the complexities of the human experience. In today's episode, we'll be discussing the topic of loneliness, a universal human experience that affects millions of people around the world. Loneliness is one of the hardest experiences one can have; as human beings we are hard wired to connect with others. At the extreme end, not experiencing any connection at all, is therefore a dehumanising experience for people who are profoundly lonely. Loneliness is not just about being alone, but rather a feeling of disconnection and isolation, even when surrounded by others. It can have a profound impact on our mental and physical health, and can lead to a range of negative outcomes, from depression and anxiety to increased risk of illness and  earlier mortality rates. But what causes loneliness, and how can we combat it?Join us as we explore the root causes of loneliness and isolation.  Learn strategies for b
03/07/202329 minutes 1 second
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7 Signs Your Relationship Is Working Well

Find out about our comprehensive course to help you create fulfilling relationships on our website: to the Relationship Maze podcast, where we explore the complexities of modern relationships. In today's episode, we'll be discussing seven signs that your relationship is working. Relationships can be challenging, but when things are going well, they can be a source of joy, support, and fulfilment. By paying attention to certain indicators, we can identify when our relationship is on the right track. From feeling secure and supported to having a shared vision for the future, we'll be exploring the common signs that indicate a relationship is healthy and fulfilling. Join us as we discuss these seven signs in depth, and offer insights for cultivating a happy and successful relationship. Whether you're in a long-term partnership or just starting out, this episode is packed with valuable insights for navigatin
26/06/202332 minutes 24 seconds
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7 Warning Signs to Look Out For In Your Relationship

Welcome to the Relationship Maze podcast, where we navigate the twists and turns of modern relationships. In today's episode, we'll be discussing seven signs that your relationship may be in difficulty. Relationships are at times complex and challenging, and it's not always easy to notice when troublesome patterns set in and become a persistent problem over the years. By the time partners know that there are issues that need addressing, the relationship might be in deep water already. By paying attention to certain warning signs, we can identify potential problems early on and take steps to address them. From loss of connection to communication breakdowns or loss of intimacy, we'll be exploring the common signs that indicate a relationship may be in trouble. Not paying attention to these red flags can jeopardise your relationship in the long run.Join us as we discuss these warning signs in depth, and offer strategies for addressing them and st
19/06/202331 minutes 47 seconds
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Clap Along If You Feel Like Happiness Is The Truth - The Fallacy Of Happiness

Find out about our comprehensive course to help you create fulfilling relationships on our website: to the Relationship Maze podcast, where we explore the many facets of human emotion. In today's episode, we'll be exploring the elusive concept of happiness. Everyone wants it but what does it mean to be happy?In this episode we discuss what happiness might look like and how we can achieve this state of being. Is happiness a fleeting emotion or can it be sustained over time? Is happiness something outside of ourselves (e.g. an object or a goal) or is it something that we generate internally?We'll be briefly delving into some of the thinking about happiness, as well as exploring how the continued search can sometimes get in the way of having the experience of being happy.What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website:
12/06/202329 minutes 12 seconds
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Social Anxiety And How To Stop Avoiding It

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: to the Relationship Maze podcast, where we delve into the complexities of the human experience. In today's episode, we'll be exploring the topic of social anxiety, a condition that affects millions of people around the world. Social anxiety is characterized by an intense fear of social situations and interactions, often leading to avoidance or distress. It can manifest in a variety of ways, from difficulty speaking in public to avoiding social events altogether. But what causes social anxiety, and how does it impact those who experience it? Join us as we dive deep into the world of social anxiety, and gain a greater understanding of this common yet often misunderstood condition.What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipm
05/06/202328 minutes 16 seconds
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Jealousy - How To Deal With The Green Eyed Monster

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: to the Relationship Maze podcast, where we explore the complexities of human relationships. In today's episode, we'll be diving into the topic of jealousy and how it affects relationships. Jealousy is a common emotion that can arise in any type of relationship, whether it's romantic, platonic, or professional. Jealousy is usually a fear of loosing someone you care for to someone else.  It can stem from a variety of sources, such as self-esteem, past experiences, or even a lack of trust. But how does jealousy impact relationships? Jealousy can present on a spectrum ranging from normal (reactive) jealousy to more troublesome presentations where a partner becomes increasingly controlling because their fear of loss becomes unbearable. At the extreme end, jealousy can lead to stalking or violence. Pathological fo
29/05/202327 minutes 50 seconds
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There's No Shame in Feeling Shame - Healthy and Toxic Shame

In today's episode we talk about shame. Shame can be one of the most difficult feelings we can experience as it goes to the core of our notion of self. Talking about something that we experience as shameful makes us feel intensely vulnerable and exposed. We can experience shame as an attack on our core self.  We distinguish between healthy feelings of shame and unhealthy, chronic and toxic shame which is often the underlying emotion of a wide range of disturbing experiences: low self-worth, anxiety, depression, isolation, addiction, self-harm, issues with uncontrollable anger and many more.Shame has a prosocial function; it is important for facilitating social bonds and norms and enables us to notice when we have  transgressed a social norm,  have made a  mistake or have crossed a boundary. We can make amends and our feeling of shame will dissipate very soon. Milder versions of shame are feeling embarrassed or guilty. With guilt we are more likely to focus on our
22/05/202330 minutes 40 seconds
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What A Feeling - Managing Troublesome Emotions

In today's episode we talk about feelings and emotions. As therapists we always encourage our clients to express their feelings and emotions. We discuss why it matters to get in touch with your feelings and emotions. Our emotions represent our lived experience and they are personal to us. Getting in touch with our feelings and emotional reactions will provide us with information about how we relate to the world and interact with others. We often distinguish between 'positive' and 'negative' emotions and often struggle to express the former. Our emotional responses are learned and therefore they can also be reviewed and changed if necessary.We talk about interoception: our ability to consciously or unconsciously sense, access and identify physiological and emotional signals that come from within us. The more awareness we have about our internal state, the more able we are to emotionally regulate effectively. With a strong sense o
15/05/202327 minutes 7 seconds
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The Most Common Dating Mistakes - In Conversation with Dr Katherine Bejanyan

In today's episode we are in conversation with dating and relationship expert Dr Kathrine Bejanyan.According to research, nearly half of US adults say dating has gotten harder for most people in the last 10 years. This has caused more than half of young people in America not to have a romantic partner, and the majority of those dating to express dissatisfaction with their romantic lives due to several negative experiences.Katherine talks about the challenges of today's dating world, common mistakes that people make and the frequent phenomenon of 'ghosting'. Dr. Kathrine Bejanyan  runs a private therapy practice focusing on relationships, which has helped thousands of people develop a healthier and happier love life. Through individual or couple counselling, which usually takes 8 to 16 weeks, she shows her clients how dating and relationships really w
08/05/202332 minutes 56 seconds
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Bullying - Why People Bully, How It Impacts and How to Manage It

If you have ever experienced bullying, at school, in your workplace or in your relationship(s), you know how devastating it can be. Bulling is often defined as one person intentionally and consistently causing emotional or physical harm to another person. We would like to expand this definition by also including behaviour that causes serious harm whether it is intended or not. We look at the the make-up of bullies. What makes somebody bully another person?We then discuss the impact of being at the receiving end of bullying. Having been bullied at school for example can cause serious harm for the rest of a person's adult life.The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop
01/05/202330 minutes 24 seconds
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Procrastination - Putting Off the Inevitable

Do you generally tend to put things off in your life? We are all familiar with undertaking some tasks that we are not too keen on. Procrastinating doesn't mean that you are lazy, in fact often the opposite is true. Many people's houses are the tidiest when an uncomfortable task has to be avoided at all costs, e.g. having to study for exams or having to have a conversation with friend, colleague or partner about their troubling behaviour.  Rather than being a question of laziness, procrastination is often more about avoiding the engagement with troublesome emotions. Procrastination is frequently driven by an an underlying anxiety:  that you cannot do something well enough or that the person you need to talk to might not react well. Procrastination is a form of avoidance: we avoid what we don't enjoy or that we fear. Procrastination is often linked to perfectionism. The underlying fear is that the task cannot be done well enough.  With
24/04/202324 minutes 51 seconds
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Unleashing Your Curiosity - Why it Matters to be Curious About Your Partner and the World

How open are you to finding out more about others or about the world in general? In today's episode we discuss the importance of being curious. Curiosity is a drive to want to find out more, to learn and to understand. Curiosity keeps us open rather than to get stuck in our assumptions that we know already everything there is to know. In relationships curiosity keeps you open to your partner and their perception of the world. Having a stance of curiosity enables you to gain a deeper insight into other people and to possibly avoid some of your confirmation bias as well as your underlying assumptions. Your curiosity can lead to new insights and deeper learning.Couples can benefit from setting time aside where they openly engage in a process of inquiry. For example they may discover answers to the following questions: what is my partner experiencing? Why are they getting upset? How do I actively contribute to difficulties in our relationship?  What change is ne
17/04/202325 minutes 47 seconds
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Taming Your Inner Critic

In this episode we discuss your inner critic, a negative voice that tells you for example that you are not doing well enough, are not likable enough or you will never be able to do this. This voice usually questions your actions or your sense of self  in a way that is not helpful. Your inner critic tends to usually have been around for quite a long time. Much like taking in food, we we would have taken in messages by our parents, teachers or other people in authority who teach us who we are as a person and what is possible or impossible in life. We learn patterns of thinking about ourselves and the world. We internalise other people's voices. These earlier templates of learning about the world run in the background all of the time and will need to be brought into awareness if we want to change our thinking. We look at ways of challenging your inner critic, bringing your internalised messages into awareness and questioning whether your thinking still serves y
10/04/202325 minutes 21 seconds
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Breaking Free From the Drama Triangle

In this episode we talk about patterns in your relationships which tend to keep you firmly entrenched in roles which can be very disempowering.  You might often find yourself coming to the rescue of others, always making sure that you look out for others.  Or you may find that you frequently end up in a victim role where you feel put upon or disregarded by others. We discuss the drama triangle, a model of problematic interactions and conflict in relationships. This model was developed by Stephen Karpman, over 40 years ago and it is still very relevant to developing an understanding of relationship dynamics today.In today&apos;s episode we focus in particular on two roles of the drama triangle: that of the rescuer and the victim. If you are interested in finding out more about the drama triangle and Transactional Analysis you might want to listen to  our earlier episodes<a href='
03/04/202328 minutes 12 seconds
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Castles Made of Sand - When Disappointment Takes Hold

In today&apos;s episode we talk about the experience of feeling disappointed.  Disappointment is the roll call of feelings that you have when something did not happen or wasn&apos;t as good as hoped for. We all had experiences in life where our hopes were dashed and expectation that we had were not met. These expectations might relate to other people, situations or an idea about our own capacities.  The ensuing feeling of not having our expectations met can be one of sadness, anger, loss, betrayal and frustrated hopes.  Your expectations might either be more realistic or they might be more in the realm of fantasy (e.g. winning the lottery).Your partner is likely to disappoint you at some point in the relationship by not meeting your expectations. This is particularly likely to happen once you have left the initial honeymoon stage behind: you are now likely to see your partner warts and all rather than just a projection of a prince or princess.  We look at how you can minim
20/03/202325 minutes 54 seconds
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When Attachment Styles Collide

What might a relationship with two partners who are avoidant-dismissive look like? Or two people who are anxious-preoccupied?  In today&apos;s episode we look at the combinations of (insecure) attachment styles in relationships.We discuss the dynamics of relationships where one partner is secure and the other isn&apos;t and look in more detail at the impact of having the same or opposite insecure attachment than your partner. While there is no clear prediction whether a relationship with two insecurely attached partner will last or not, there is more likelihood that some insecure combination of attachment are going to run into trouble. In couples therapy the most common presentation is one where one partner is avoidant-dismissive and the other is anxious-preoccupied. Both partners have similar wounding but opposite defenses. Related Relationship Maze podcast episodes:<a href='
13/03/202332 minutes 1 second
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7 Signs You Might Have an Avoidant Attachment Style

Following on from our podcast last week where we discussed the anxious-preoccupied attachment style, we are now focusing on the the avoidant-dismissive attachment style and how people with this attachment style adapt to relationships.According to estimates circa 50% of the population is secure and 50 % is insecure: 20 percent is anxious-preoccupied, 25 percent is avoidant-dismissive and 5 percent is fearful (a combination of insecure attachment styles).People with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style may have difficulty trusting and forming intimate bonds with others, and often avoid close relationships. They may be in long term relationships but struggle with vulnerability, closeness and connection. They may also have difficulty with self-expression, in particular expressing their emotions.People with an avoidant attachment style often focus on being independent, self-reliant, and self-sufficient. They may also be uncomfortable with physical or emot
06/03/202325 minutes 20 seconds
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7 Signs You Might Have an Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style

Today we will be looking at some of the common presentations of an anxious-preoccupied/ambivalent attachment style. A person with this insecure attachment style is generally very concerned with wanting to be completely emotionally intimate with others and finding that others are never quite as willing to get as close as desired.  There is a very strong expectation as well as a fear of rejection or abandonment by others. With this attachment style there is often a lot of protest behaviour with a ready expression of feelings. Anxious-preoccupied people tend to be in the maximiser and pursuer role. The focus is on the other person as source of soothing and a safe haven to regulate oneself.  However, this desire is frequently not quite satisfied, leaving the anxious-preoccupied person chronically disappointed, angry or frustrated.  A person with this attachment frequently worries that others don&apos;t value them as much as they value others. The seven signs that we will be lo
27/02/202329 minutes 12 seconds
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How To Set Boundaries In Your Relationships And Life

Do you sometimes feel that your partner oversteps boundaries in your relationship or that you struggle to set boundaries yourself? Do you have a healthy sense of boundaries or are your boundaries either too rigid or too porous?Boundaries are the invisible lines that demarcate your personal (physical) space, your limits, your values and rules that guide your life.  We know when someone displays behaviour that is not acceptable to us; we might notice a sense of discomfort for example. If we never experience any sense of boundary violation, this may be a sign that you had to shut down your sense of self very early on in life. Boundaries tells us when demands are being made that might transgress your sense of what feels right.  Often we are not that clear where our boundaries are; they will need to be brought into awareness and clearly defined. This is particularly true in relationships as both you and your partner are likely to have different boundaries.Boundaries c
20/02/202329 minutes 19 seconds
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Dating Trends Today - In Conversation with Dr Julia Carter

In episode 118 we are delighted to be in conversation with Dr Julia Carter about current dating trends in society. Are we all as free, unrestrained and equal as we would like to think? Do you know what factors contribute to your choice of partner? Find out more dating patterns and what dating tells us about wider society in general. Julia is a Senior Lecturer in Sociology at the University of the West of England. Her research interests include marriage and relationships, families and personal life, and gender and sexuality. She is particularly interested in intimate relationships and the roles these play in an ever-changing social context. Her academic publications focus on marriage and narratives of love, sexuality and commitment; living apart together relationships, policy and social change; weddings and gender; and love and relationships. Julia has also recently collaborated with eHarmony to produce a &apos;Bristol Love Report&apos; based on research on the dating lives
13/02/202331 minutes 38 seconds
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How to Beat the Winter Blues

Would you like to discover your conflict style in relationships? Discover how it can help you in your relationships, today&apos;s episode we talk about the low feelings that many people get in the winter period. The lack of light can affect your mood to the extent that you might struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). SAD is a form of depression that is usually experienced during the autumn and winter months. Everybody gets affected by the changing season, however, with SAD you are hit much harder than others, e.g. struggling to get out of bed, meeting friends or feeling very tearful. Unlike clinical, long term depression, SAD usually lifts with the arrival of spring or summer. We emotionally regulate through connection with others. In the dark and cold winter months, these interactions often get reduced. It&apos;s dark and cold and therefore cosier
06/02/202325 minutes 42 seconds
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Managing Anxiety- Why It is Not What We Want But What We Might Need

Would you like to discover your conflict style in relationships? Discover how it can help you in your relationships, we are talking about generalised anxiety - how you might experience it, how it impacts on you and your relationships and what to do about this unpleasant sensation. Anxiety is a normal response. It is part of our inbuilt biological defense system. It activates our autonomic nervous system and makes us experience a number of physiological symptoms such as a pounding heart, racing thoughts, tension in our stomach clammy hands. Anxiety presents as a feeling in our body as well as a series of thoughts. Unlike fear which is associated with an immediate fight/flight response to a real situation that is threatening, anxiety is the anticipatory apprehension of an event that brings uncertainty or imagined unpleasantness. Fear is what you feel during
30/01/202329 minutes 14 seconds
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Gaslighting - When your perception is continuously being questioned

Would you like to discover your conflict style in relationships? Discover how it can help you in your relationships, today&apos;s episode we talk about gaslighting, a term that has become increasingly popular in current discourse.  Gaslighting is a term that derives from a 1938 play and subsequent film where a devious husband intentionally attempts to drive his wife into insanity by dimming their gas lights and then denying that the lights had been tempered with. Gaslighting describes a phenomenon where your perception is being questioned to the point of questioning your sanity. In gaslighting one person is using psychological manipulation in order to deliberately make the other person question their own thoughts, feelings, experiences or sensations. Gaslighting is an extreme form of emotional abuse. We explore how gaslighting presents in (abusive) relations
23/01/202325 minutes 22 seconds
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How to Change Your Attachment Style and Stop Pairing Up With the Wrong Romantic Partners - Interview with Marc Sholes

In episode 111 we have the pleasure of talking to Marc Sholes, who shares his wisdom with us when it comes to making the best partner choice for you. Marc explains attachment styles and why you should &apos;privilege character over chemistry&apos;.Marc is a highly experienced New York City psychotherapist and psychoanalyst with 35+ years of experience helping people get healthy, tidy up their world, and straighten out their lives. In this episode Marc talks about the following:-What is an attachment style and why is it the biggest hindrance to people attaining their goals and finding happiness?- How to change your attachment style so you can stop pairing up with the wrong romantic partners, stop wasting time and emotional energy on toxic relationships, and get busy living the life you should be living.- Why are you attracted to your opposite - Uncovering your more authentic self so that you may regain authorship over your life<b
09/01/202331 minutes 53 seconds
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10 Signs Your Relationship Is In Trouble

Would you like to discover your conflict style in relationships? Discover how it can help you in your relationships, today&apos;s episode Tom and Angela discuss some of their top indicators that your relationship might be in trouble. We talk about lack of time together, poor communication, constant arguments, restraints in the relationship, a lack of commitment, abusive patterns, a lack of flourishing, dishonesty and constant criticism. If you enjoy our podcast, please leave us a review. For Apple Podcast this is most easily done via your iPhone. If you have an android phone, please leave a review on Amazon, Spotify, iTunes or any  other platform that you are using.Suggestions for a podcast? We&apos;d love to hear from you. Please email us at [email protected] Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find
09/01/202328 minutes 56 seconds
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Techniques to Help You Emotionally Regulate

Would you like to discover your conflict style in relationships? Discover how it can help you in your relationships, experiences emotional ups and downs, but how we respond to our emotions is what matters most. Emotional regulation skills are key to managing our emotions and leading a healthy life. Developing emotional regulation skills can be difficult but with the right exercises and determination, it can be done. In this podcast I&apos;ll take you through a couple of exercises to help you improve your emotional regulation skills and become better at controlling your emotions. With practice and commitment, you can learn to recognize and respond to your emotions in healthy ways.Breathing exercisesBreathing exercises are a great place to start when you’re looking to improve your emotional regulation skills. When we’re under stress,
02/01/202326 minutes 18 seconds
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How Erikson's Life Stages Can Help You And Your Relationships

Would you like to discover your conflict style in relationships? Discover how it can help you in your relationships.Erik Erikson was a renowned psychoanalyst and psychosocial theorist who proposed eight stages of life as a way to understand the development of the human personality. His theory of life stages, which takes into account the different developmental tasks that must be achieved at each stage of life, has been widely accepted and applied to a variety of settings. By understanding Erikson&apos;s life stages, you can use them to improve your life and help you to reach your full potential. By looking at the different stages, you can identify where you are in your development and use that knowledge to make choices that will have a positive impact on your life. You can also utilize the life stages to help you to understand the development of others and to better support and guide them on their journey.<b
26/12/202236 minutes 41 seconds
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Effective Communication: How To Turn Your Frustration With Your Partner Into A Win/Win Situation

Is there a particular behaviour by your partner that you find intensely and frequently  irritating, frustrating, dismissive or irksome? Do you know how to effectively let your partner how you feel and what change you want to see?  In today&apos;s episode we talk about an effective way of  communicating that can enable a behaviour change in your partner. We discuss the  4 step Feedback Wheel structure as suggested by Terrence Real in his book &apos;The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work&apos;.1.  Describe (as neutrally as a recording video camera) what you saw or heard2. Describe what you made up about this situation (your interpretation of events)3. Let your partner know how you feel about this situation 4. Make a request for a change: what you would like to see happen (your request has to be viable and measurable)If you enjoy our podcast, please leave us a review. For Apple Podcast this is most easily done via
19/12/202228 minutes 56 seconds
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How Not Being Able To Regulate Your Emotions Impacts Your Relationships

When you get very caught up in your emotions you may struggle to express your needs appropriately. You might feel very angry or highly anxious for example your reasoning may go out of the window.When agitated, we often react automatically without any reflections. When we cannot regulate our emotions, we get overwhelmed - we are controlled by the emotion rather than the other way round. In the situation where we get triggered emotionally, we often lose the capacity to utilise that part of our brain that helps us to cognitively process, instead our emotional &quot;monkey brain&quot; takes over.If you experienced adverse experiences in your life and trauma, you are more likely to unconsciously scan for danger and feel more readily threatened. Trauma studies have shown that people with high levels of trauma struggle to read another person&apos;s face: another person&apos;s sad face may be experienced as angry. Arguments with the partner may get more readily out of co
12/12/202226 minutes 41 seconds
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How to Stop Complaining and Getting Your Needs Met

Do you often complain to others about your partner? Or do you constantly tell your partner that their behaviours are dissatisfying to you? Do these complaints help your relationship and get you what you want?Complaining can be satisfying but is not likely to achieve anything, in particular if you talk to a person who is not the source of the complaint and cannot do anything about this, i.e. a friend.Complaints are usually caused by the behaviour of the other person that troubles you. Often the complaint is about a behaviour that is seemingly innocuous to the person who is at the receiving end of the complaint.  However, frequent complaints about the same set of behaviours in the partner, often have long roots. They tend to relate to a deeper underlying fear: for example, a fear that your partner does not care about you or not love you enough.Complaining to others is often a proxy way of addressing your frustration: you raise your frustration in a &apos;
05/12/202228 minutes 11 seconds
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How Assumptions Can Harm Your Relationships

Do you always know what your partner is thinking? Well, you may find that you are completely wrong with your underlying assumptions. Mind reading mostly does not work very well. Assumptions are generalisations, inferences and predictions about the world and about other people&apos;s intentions. They offer us a sense of predictability and safety. Mostly we are not aware of our assumptions, they run on auto pilot in the background without us putting them to the test and questioning them. For example, in dating you may automatically assume that another person is not interested in you, if they have not responded to a text message within a certain time frame. In your relationship you may come to the conclusion that your partner does not care about you because they didn&apos;t like the meal you cooked for them. The problem with assumptions is that they often entail jumping to a conclusion about our partner&apos;s intention. We may be right, sometimes, but not
28/11/202224 minutes 20 seconds
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The Power of Rituals

Today we discuss the importance of rituals in life and in your relationships. A ritual is a predefined sequence of symbolic actions which are often characterised by formality and repetition.  Weddings, birthday celebrations or funerals, for example, are rituals. Particularly, of course, in the sphere of religions there are strong associations with rituals that provide symbolic value.Why are rituals important?Because rituals are highly structured they help us to have some sense of predictability about the future and possibly create more certainty. They can contribute to lessening anxiety. Rituals create meaning and they can bind us to a particular group or person; they may contribute to group cohesion and unity.Rituals can help to process a loss. For example, a ritual may help you to let go when there has been a painful break up. Rituals are also important to celebrate important moments and mile stones in your relationship. This may be celebrating t
21/11/202225 minutes 51 seconds
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Overthinking - When You Worry Too Much About People's Perception Of You

In today&apos;s episode we consider what happens when you think too much about yourself and what others might think about you. You may have a constant,  internal dialogue running where you are very focused on other people&apos;s - perceived - critical perception.  You may worry that other people notice everything about you that you don&apos;t quite like about yourself. There is a constant monitoring for harm that others may do to you. Being on the lookout for harm creates particular, defensive behaviour patterns that may inadvertently further feed into the idea that other people may not like you.Often too much thinking entails having repetitive, obsessive thoughts. In this episode we talk about ways of engaging differently with unhelpful and unpleasant thoughts and recognising that you do have choices when it comes to your own interpretations of a situation. First of all, your choices need to be recognised.If you enjoy our podcast, please leave us a review. For A
14/11/202225 minutes 17 seconds
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Codependency - Putting Your Partner's Needs Above Your Own

In episode 102 we discuss what co-dependency looks like and what the likely causes for this presentation might have been. Co-dependency is a term that describes a relationship where one partner needs the other, who in turn needs to be needed. A person who is co-dependent works extremely hard at pleasing their partner; they generally only feel worthy if they are making strong sacrifices for their partner. Behaviour patterns and attitudes that play out in co-dependent relationships can touch on a wide range of psychological presentations and abusive relationship patterns: low self-esteem, lack of identify, insecure attachment style, trauma or domestic abuse. A person who is co-dependent will often struggle to identify their own needs or feelings, often minimising their own emotional experiences. They tend to be outer, rather than inner directed, seeking validation and approval from others. Their self esteem tends to be very low. Co-dependents often comprise their o
07/11/202224 minutes 43 seconds
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Why You Choose Your Partner- The Unconscious Forces That Influence Attraction

You may find that you often chose partners that are not necessarily the best choice for you. Why is it, for example that children of alcoholics or children of abusive parents often find themselves in similar relationships as adults? The child of an alcoholic find a partner who drinks too much, the child of emotionally unavailable parents choses a partner who is not emotionally present, children of narcissists make sure they find a narcissistic partner. As children we learn everything there is to learn about relationships from our primary care takers and other influential people. Early experiences of love, no matter how loving the parents, always comes with some aspects of pain or frustration: for example a sense of not being quite good enough, not getting the attention you crave, having to care for a vulnerable or depressed parent or mediating between quarrelling parents.  In adulthood, we are replicating familiar relational patterns with our partners.  We often turn down
31/10/202225 minutes 28 seconds
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It's All About Me - The Importance of Compromise

Do you struggle with compromising in your relationship? Making compromises can be very challenging; it&apos;s not always easy to establish a middle ground between you and your partner&apos;s wishes and to create a win/win situation for both of you.Regardless of how close you and your partner are you, are bound to experience differences of opinion which will lead to disagreements. Your mutual ability to compromise is a crucial factor in being able to bridge these differences.For many couples compromising relates to a perceived power struggle in the relationship; partners often think of compromising as giving in to their partner&apos;s demands and giving up on their own wishes.  You may want to reflect on how you witnessed your parents&apos; ability to compromise and what you have learned about compromising as a concept. Frequently, knowing how to compromise has not been learned.Compromising entails trying to understand why your partner&apos;s position is
24/10/202224 minutes 40 seconds
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The Tyranny of Freedom - Dealing with the Stress of Decision Making

Do you struggle with decision making and often worry about making the right or wrong decision? In today&apos;s episode we talk about the challenge of being &apos;condemned to freedom&apos; (Jean-Paul Sartre): because we world is not well structured, predictable and sometime groundless our existence is fundamentally not secure. We try to mitigate this lack of security through making  the &apos;right&apos; kind of choices. However, every &apos;yes&apos; that we make in one situation is always an automatic &apos;no&apos; to another choice. Freedom can be overwhelming, on a micro level this may mean struggling to chose the right kind of pasta on a shelf with 30 different offerings or on a bigger level, choosing the right partner when dating. Unless there is a clear structure in place that tells you what to do, you will have to make your own choices.The decision making process for many people is very difficult because they often worry about the &apos;what ifs&apos;: &
17/10/202225 minutes 53 seconds
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Keeping Secrets

In today&apos;s episode we discuss the underlying reasons for and challenges with keeping secrets. You may keep a secret for a number reasons: you feel that it&apos;s not the right time to talk about something, you want to surprise someone, you don&apos;t want to burden someone, you feel ashamed about an action or event in the past or you want to protect yourself from the potential responses of others.Your secret may be a &apos;delicious&apos; one, e.g. you are pregnant and delighted but want to wait three months with your announcement until you know the pregnancy is viable. Or your secret may be a shameful one, e.g. one of your earlier sexual experiences left you feel bad about yourself, a part of you may feel disgusting, unworthy or reprehensible.&apos;Shame is a soul eating emotion&apos; (Carl Gustav Jung).  Keeping a secret means hiding away information. Often secrets are kept because a person is carrying a sense of shame about something that they (or a famil
10/10/202226 minutes 12 seconds
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Help! - In the Grip of Overwhelm

Is this you:  there are too many demands made on you, you have to juggle too many tasks, you don&apos;t know where to start? Is it all simply too much at times?In today&apos;s episode we discuss what happens when you are overwhelmed and what you can do to address this situation.When you are overwhelmed your body and mind are in state of threat. Your fight/flight/freeze responses kick in manifesting either in anger (fight), procrastination (freeze) or avoidance (flight). The challenge in this situation is that your thinking is short circuited: your body mobilises for survival. Your sympathetic nervous systems is activated and your brain&apos;s main function is to enable you to survive through instinctual behaviour. When we are overwhelmed the threat is perceived rather than real. It feels real to us, of course, and it may well entail real consequences if tasks at work are not completed, however, we are not at risk of dying. In the grip of overwhelm
03/10/202226 minutes 34 seconds
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How to Choose a Secure Partner

In today&apos;s episode we look at some of the signs or indicators that your partner or the person you are dating has a secure attachment style. Why does it matter that your partner has a secure attachment? Research shows that it only takes one secure partner in the relationship to make the relationship overall stable. We discuss what a secure or insecure attachment looks like. A person with a secure attachment style is likely to have had previous experiences of relationships, primarily in their family of origin, where they were loved and cared for as well being encouraged to stand on their own two feet and explore the world independently.Indicators that someone has a secure attachment include for example that they are able to be trusting of others, they can express themselves emotionally,  they are open to others and can make adjustments based on their experiences, they can assess whether a relationship &apos;feels&apos; right and whether another person is trust
26/09/202224 minutes 23 seconds
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You're Simply the Best - How Much Self Worth Do You Have?

In today&apos;s episode we discuss how feelings of low self worth and self esteem may influence your partner choice and your relationships. Often people are attracted to partners who seem confident or have high levels of self esteem as a way of compensation for your own feelings of not being worthy. You may choose a confident partner in order to have higher self esteem by proxy. When your self esteem is low you are likely to experience deep seated feelings of shame. Often these feeling stop people from looking for a partner in the first place.While relationships can offer a healing experience where you learn that you are loveable, feelings of low self worth or self esteem are usually deep rooted and may resurface again and again. Thinking and feeling  that you are not good enough is usually learned through earlier experiences. These beliefs need to be brought into awareness, reviewed and can then be challenged and changed.The Relationship Maze courses:<
19/09/202224 minutes 16 seconds
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Do You Feel Bored In Your Relationship or With the People You Are Dating?

Today we are talking about boredom in your relationship, a sense of sameness, predictability, dullness and flatness. You may ask yourself: is it normal to be bored in a relationship or marriage? Boredom as a symptom can have different root causes: it may be a sign that feelings are suppressed in the relationship or it may simply be down to having completely different interests. You may want to ask how you bore yourself. If you feel bored or that the relationship is not bringing enough excitement, you may want to reflect on your contribution to this situation. How can you bring more life into your relationship?Do you have an expectation that relationships are exciting all the time? Do you crave the drama of conflict? For some people, having a relatively stable relationship can be experienced as boring. If you are dating and think of lots people as boring you may reflect on your expectations of relationships and partners. Boredom can b
12/09/202227 minutes 13 seconds
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'I Can't Get No Satisfaction' - When You Often Feel Dissatisfied

In today&apos;s episode we talk about dissatisfaction. What causes low or high level frustration in your relationship? Do you often think that your partner does not quite offer you what you want? Chronic dissatisfaction that does not get addressed can lead to resentment, constant bickering and possibly to the end of the relationship. We discuss where the dissatisfaction comes from. Causes can be manifold and are not often pinpointed. It&apos;s helpful to identify whether this feeling is something that originates in us, our partners or in the dynamic of the relationship. Dissatisfaction can be a manifestation of an insecure attachment style; we discuss how either an avoidant-dismissive or anxious-preoccupied can lead to dissatisfaction in the relationship. There is an underlying anxiety that your partner is not quite giving you what you need or that your partner is not trustworthy.When both partners are frequently dissatisfied they might have got into a
05/09/202225 minutes 3 seconds
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Tame Your Inner Hulk - How to Stop Anger Controlling You

In today&apos;s episode we discuss anger in relationships: how it affects you and your partner. Anger can of course be a significant problem in your relationship if it is out of control. Anger can take many forms; it can be outer or inner directed. Unexpressed anger that is always held in can manifest as depression or self harm. In relationships where partner A is always angry it may also be the case that their role is to hold the anger in the relationship; they may express their partner B&apos;s anger on their behalf.Anger is a threat response in the wider sense; you are in fight mode and are responding to a perceived threat. You will anger in your body: your heart rate increases, you breathing may become more shallow, you may have sweaty palms, you have tunnel vision and many other symptoms.  If you can find the triggers for your anger you can address it more effectively: e.g. it might be your partner&apos;s tone of voice that sets you off.
29/08/202229 minutes 14 seconds
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Relationship Killers - Not Expressing Your Frustrations

In today&apos;s episode we talk about the difficulty of not being able to express &apos;negative&apos; feelings, behaviour or experiences in your relationship as one of the main relationship problems. This lack of expression is often driven by a fear of upsetting your partner or and ultimately losing your partner, in particular if you regard conflict as dangerous. Sitting on your frustrations can lead to resentment. Often frustrations find expressions in low level attacks which may be described as bickering, as passive aggressive attacks or sulking.  This can be particularly hard for children who frequently get triangulated to take pressure out of the system. People come to couples counselling often when these patterns are very set in. Ideally it would be a good idea to learn to communicate your frustrations early on in the relationship. This can be learned. Expressing frustrations in your relationship in a way that enables your partner to listen will create more
22/08/202225 minutes
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How to Deal With Obsessive Thoughts In Your Relationship? - In Conversation With Kimberly Morrow

In today&apos;s episode we are talking with therapist and author Kimberly Morrow, who wrote Face It and Feel It: 10 Simple (But Not Easy) Ways to Live Well with Anxiety and CBT for Anxiety: A Step-By-Step Training Manual for the Treatment of Fear, Panic, Worry and OCD.Kimberly specialises in working with anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD); in today&apos;s episode she discusses  how anxious, compulsive thoughts can impact on relationships. OCD means that the very thing you worry excessively about is something that is really important to you and that you value. It is not your actual truth. For example, an obsessive thought in a relationship might be &apos;what if I don&apos;t love him&apos;. The compulsion then becomes to doubt all the time. OCD is often called the &apos;doubting disease&apos;. OCD always wants to get to certainty; it needs to make sure. However, this certainly may never be reached and you will need to accept a level of uncertaint
15/08/202233 minutes 31 seconds
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Do You Need Excitement In Your Relationship?

When was the last time you experienced excitement - a sense of being thrilled or feeling very enthusiastic? Particularly in the early stages of the relationship you are likely to frequently have a sense of excitement. Excitement often feeds on novelty, eagerness, the unknown  and  anticipation.  Excitement is also associated with feeling good. When we are excited we feel mobilised in our body: the heart might be beating faster, we might have butterflies in the stomach or sweaty palms. We are in a state of physical arousal, that is not too dissimilar from feelings associated with anxiety. In the context of dating often excitement can be experienced as anxiety.We can create a feeling of excitement by using visualisation: for example imagine what it feels like to surprise your partner with a gift.Excitement often emerges when you do something that takes you away from your routine. You can consider situations or activities that are different from
08/08/202222 minutes 57 seconds
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It's Got to Be Perfect - Dealing With the Fallout of Perfectionism

Do you always try get everything right and strive to meet very high standards? Perfectionists tend to judge their self worth in relation to achieving these standards. They always worry that they are good enough. Perfectionists struggle with the impact of trying to meet unrelentingly high standards but they can&apos;t stop pursuing them anyway. Because there is always the fear or getting it wrong, perfectionists frequently struggle with procrastination: rather than starting somewhere to get a task going, they worry that they won&apos;t be doing it well enough and therefore stall.In a dating scenario perfectionists might look for a partner who meets a checklist of criteria to find an ideal partner.Perfectionists have an internalised driver somewhere along the lines that they need to try harder. They needed to prove that  they are lovable or deserving of positive attention by the parents through always getting it right, being the &apos;good girl&apos; or &apos;good
01/08/202229 minutes 46 seconds
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Why Anxiety Is Good For You - In Conversation With Dr Tracy Dennis-Tiwary

In today&apos;s episode Angela is in conversation with Dr Tracy Dennis-Tiwary, author of &apos;Future Tense.: Why Anxiety is Good For You (Even Though it Feels Bad). Tracy A. Dennis-Tiwary, Ph.D. is a researcher, entrepreneur, and author of the book Future Tense: Why Anxiety is Good for You (Even Though it Feels Bad), Harper Wave, 2022. She is a professor of psychology and neuroscience, Director of the Emotion Regulation Lab, and Co-Executive Director of the Center for Health Technology at The City University of New York, where the mission is to connect researchers, community stakeholders, and technology innovators to bridge the healthcare gap.  Tracy highlights that anxiety has got an (undeserved) bad press: because it feels uncomfortable, we should get rid of it. &apos;Anxiety as disease&apos; - an idea that has been propagated by the mental health profession for years, is setting us up to failure and stops us from engaging with the useful aspects and g
25/07/202231 minutes 32 seconds
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Jealousy - In the Grip of the Green Eyed Monster

In today&apos;s episode we talk about feeling jealous and being in a relationship with a partner who is excessively jealous. Jealousy to some extent is quite normal, however, if it becomes excessive it can seriously undermine your relationship.Jealousy is driven be a perceived or real threat to the relationship. The jealous partner resents a third person for taking away their partner from the relationship. The ensuing feelings are often anger, resentment, mistrust,  hostility, restlessness or bitterness.  If it becomes excessive jealousy can lead to controlling and coercive behaviour in a relationship. Jealousy can be a sign that there is an underlying problem with differentiation. A jealous partner often desires an emotionally fused relationship and struggles to maintain a strong sense of self. Jealousy is often driven by low s
18/07/202228 minutes 16 seconds
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Rumination - When You're Thinking Too Much

Do you find yourself stuck in repetitive, usually negative, thinking about a particular situation, experience or behaviour? Rumination is the unpleasant experiencing of obsessively going over the same old thoughts again and again. Too much rumination stops us from being present.Rumination keeps you stuck - you worry about an issue but don&apos;t actually help to address it.Often rumination relates to habitual underlying, negative thoughts or core beliefs that reinforce an idea of us not being &apos;good enough&apos;.Frequent, repetitive, obsessive thoughts are mostly rooted in earlier, often traumatic or troublesome events.  On the continuum of rigidity and chaos in life, a person who ruminates a lot tends to be very rigid: it&apos;s a defensive, frozen position to protect themselves from perceived threats.In this podcast we talk about the potential root causes of rumination and how to address these troublesome thoughts.The Rela
11/07/202227 minutes 41 seconds
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Conflict - Do You Argue Effectively With Others?

How do you feel about arguments in your life? Do you tend to find them deeply uncomfortable, terrifying or do you enjoy a good argument and consider arguing a good way of clarifying your mutual expectations? Are you aware of your argument style? You can take our short Argument Style quiz to find out more about your style of arguing. In today&apos;s session we talk about conflict in relationships. Depending on your own experiences in the past you are likely to relate to conflict as deeply troubling or more neutrally as a natural experience in any relationship.  If you have children, the way that you manage conflict in your relationship is absolutely crucial. Get it wrong over a long period of time and you can cause a lot of long lasting harm.Often you argue about something on the surface, e.g. your partner coming home late, but you may actually experience a frustration that goes much deeper than the situation would call
04/07/202224 minutes 22 seconds
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Expectations - How You Create Your Own Relationship Disappointment

Do you often find that your relationships don&apos;t live up to your expectations? Expectations are predictions about the future.  You are likely to have an idea in your mind about what your relationship should look like, how your partner should behave and how you would feel in a relationship that is going well. Some of these ideas are part of your awareness, others aren&apos;t. A lot of your ideas relate to the wishes and dreams that you have. Expectations are born out of the gap between dream and reality.Disappointment requires careful pre-planning. The more you visualise and expect things to turn out in a particular way, the more likely you are to be disappointed. On the other hand if you never visualise and hope for great things you would not feel motivated at all.We discuss the balance between having expectations that you should have, that are realistic and those that set you up for likely failure. Expectations tie in to your attachment style.Expec
27/06/202224 minutes 39 seconds
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Being Present With Your Partner - How Not to Mix Up Past, Present and Future

In today&apos;s episode we talk about the importance of being fully present with your partner and how you might be working on achieving this. We spend a lot of time thinking about the future or the past. Worries about future uncertainties or troublesome past experiences often take us away from being in the present moment. Often we overreact to a certain experience because we are conflating past and present. We attach old meanings to our current experiences.  Often these meanings or interpretations don&apos;t actually fit what is going on right now. Being present entails the capacity to think about our thinking, to be able to reflect on our feelings and reactions.With awareness of the present moment you respond more appropriately to situations.In this episode we talk you through some activities you can try out to bring yourself more into the present moment and to develop more self awareness. The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argum
20/06/202218 minutes 22 seconds
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Should I Stay Or Should I Go - Do You Leave Relationships Too Soon?

Many people wonder whether their relationship is worth persisting with. They might not be entirely happy with their partner&apos;s view points, their mannerisms or some of their behaviours.  They may not feel attracted enough. In today&apos;s episodes we consider whether you may be leaving your relationships too soon, not giving them enough time to fully explore whether you might be on to a good thing here.Relationships go through different stages and the question about staying or going often emerges either very early on, after a few dates, or after the initial honey moon phase. Often, the question of leaving arises when there is a big gap between your idealised version of a partner and the actual reality of the person in front of you. In particular, if your attachment style tends to be on the avoidant-dismissive side you are more likely to leave relationships sooner rather than later. In this podcast episode we consider the factors that matter in relationsh
13/06/202229 minutes 8 seconds
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Are you experiencing burn out? - Signs you are on the slippery slope to exhaustion

Do you feel completely exhausted a lot of the time and do you struggle with low motivation and a sense of hopelessness? In today&apos;s episode we are looking at the symptoms of burnout, a term that was coined  by the psychologist Herbert Freudenberger in the 1970s. Burnout is not a medical term but describes a cluster of symptoms that are experienced on a physical, emotional and behavioural level. Burnout is not the same as stress; it is usually the end result of too much stress. While stress usually involves having too much of something (work, tasks, demands), burnt out often presents as  having too little: too little motivation, hope, energy or care.You may well be experiencing burnout when you display any of the following physical symptoms: feeling exhausted and drained, getting ill a lot - having a compromised immune system, struggling to sleep, over- or under- eating or you are getting frequent headaches, stomach pain or muscle ache.<
06/06/202228 minutes 13 seconds
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How not to take your partner for granted - gratitude and appreciation

In episode 79 of The Relationship Maze we talk about the importance of gratitude and appreciation. How often do you actively stop and notice the things in life that make you feel good - a friendly exchange with the postwoman, fresh green leaves on the trees outside your house or a hug by your partner? How often do you let others, including your partner, know that you like what they said or did for you? Feeling gratitude and expressing appreciation are important in relationships as well as other walks of live. Research shows that focusing on those aspects of life that fill you with gratitude improves your overall wellbeing as well as your mental health. We are hard wired with a bias towards negative experiences.  Therefore focusing on positive experiences or those that we consider to be pleasurable requires some practice. People who regularly and continuously count their blessings are shown to lead happier lives and are less likely to experience depression.<b
30/05/202230 minutes 52 seconds
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Mentalization and attachment- how to create a secure relationship

In today&apos;s episode we discuss the concept of mentalising: our ability to understand what goes on in our own and another person&apos;s state of mind. Mentalising is something that we learn when growing up. The better our primary caretakers are at tuning in and paying attention to our physical and emotional needs as a child, the better we are as adults to reflect on our own thoughts, feelings and behaviours as well as those of others. Mentalising means that we can step outside of our self and look in: what am I feeling/thinking/doing and why? And why is my partner responding in this way? What&apos;s going on for them?Mentalising is a skill we learned as well as an attitude. Those who are good at mentalising are good at emphasising and in this process they also learn something about themselves. Good mentalisers are interested and curious in other people and what makes them tick.Couples in distress usually struggle with their mentalising capacities. They are oft
23/05/202227 minutes 19 seconds
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The 10 most common relationship problems and how to address them

Today we discuss the top relationship problems that affect couples the most. We look at ways in which these problems manifest and at possible ways of addressing them. We discuss 10 items plus one bonus one. 1. Arguments: disagreements in any relationship are entirely to be expected. However, if the relationship is dominated by endless and repetitive arguments, then you may want to stop and consider what the typical contentious issues are in your relationship and to also think about the underlying causes. We are currently developing a mini course on effective arguing. Watch this space. -2. Lack of connection: When you never find time to sit down and find out about your partner&apos;s experiences, then there is little engagement with your partner, the relationship will be suffering in the long run. Connections needs to be paid attention to and actively nurtured. -3. Stress: Too much stress is the enemy of connection. When we are stressed we are too wrapped up in ou
16/05/202234 minutes 3 seconds
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Somebody that I used to know - the heart ache of relationship breakups

In today&apos;s episode we discuss the ending of a relationship and the heart ache that follows. We are all familiar with the metaphor of the broken heart.  Many songs have been sung about the experience of being left by a loved one. There actually is such a thing as broken heart syndrome at the extreme end of the emotional and physiological pain that relationship breakups can cause. Breaking up in a relationship is a life event that we have all experienced. It is a ‘common’ experience like moving house, leaving school, growing up and yet it can be one of the most devastating and destructive experiences one has. In particular, the breakup of a long term relationship can be traumatic and give rise to a range of very strong (conflicting) feelings including rage, despair, resentment, relief, pain and an overwhelming sense of sadness. Each partner’s future feels very delicate and uncertain.The end of a relationship has frequently been described in similar terms to th
09/05/202227 minutes 35 seconds
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The Importance Of Setting Relationship Goals

Today Tom is talking about the importance of setting goals in your relationship, or if you are single just how important it is to set goals if you want to find a fulfilling relationship.Setting goals helps you become proactive in your life rather than reactive. Taking time to reflect on what you want and taking small regular actions is crucial in order to find and create more fulfilling relationships.One model that can help with taking positive action in your life and relationships is the GROW model. The GROW model was created by Sir John Whitmore and his colleagues in the late 1980s.GROW stands for:G - Goal Here you want to consider what it is you want to work on and what you would like as a result of taking action. It is useful to create specific goals, that can also be measured, so that you can monitor your progress towards achieving them.R - RealityConsider where you are now. In order to monitor progress and u
02/05/202224 minutes 36 seconds
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'It's not me, it's you' - how blaming can break relationships

In today&apos;s episode we talk about blaming others and being at the receiving end of blame. Do you often blame our partner or other people you go on a date with?Couples often blame their partner for things that go wrong in their life. Often one partner criticises the other aggressively and the other partner defends or withdraws. The more one defends or withdraws, the more the other protests and continues blaming. This cycle can go on for some time. Research by John Gottman shows that couples who get into a toxic blaming/defence pattern in the first few years of marriage have more than an 80% chance of getting divorced within the first 5 years of their relationship.Do you notice that you tend to point the finger at your partner or the other person when you feel frustrated, irritated, anxious or distressed? Or do you notice that you always defend? Constant defensiveness can be an underhand way of blaming the other person too.When we blame the other, we
25/04/202228 minutes 1 second
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What does a healthy relationship look like? - In conversation with Dr Marni Feuerman

In today&apos;s episode Angela is in conversation with Dr Marni Feuerman. Dr. Marni Feuerman is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in South Florida. She is a nationally recognized relationship and marriage expert with specialized training in couples therapy. Dr. Marni is a frequently quoted expert in the media and content contributor. She has written for HuffPo,, Dr. Oz’s ShareCare and The Gottman Institute among others. Her popular self-help book for women who struggle with repeated unhealthy relationship patterns is titled, Ghosted &amp; Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart about Healthy Relationships.In this episode Dr Marni looks in more detail at underlying work that needs to be done when couples say they need to improve their communication.Dr Marni highlights what a healthy relationship lo
18/04/202240 minutes 46 seconds
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Social Anxiety - what you experience and how to address it

Social anxiety affects large numbers in society. Judging by current trends it is on the rise and affects in particular but not exclusively people in  their 20s.  Social anxiety is the persistent and troublesome fear that other people will judge you (negatively), that you won&apos;t be able to engage with others or that you will say or do something that will leave you humiliated or ashamed.Social anxiety is much more than just feelings of shyness; it is &apos;shyness on steroids&apos;.  Also, people who are introverted don&apos;t necessarily struggle with social anxiety. Introversion is a personality trait but not a mental health condition.Because of the intensity of the fear those struggling with social anxiety will often attempt to avoid the very situation that causes the fear in the first place. This creates difficulties if you are looking to meet a partner and are highly fearful of being exposed in a dating situation.We briefly talk about the brain s
11/04/202233 minutes 48 seconds
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Trauma - how it affects you and your relationship

Are you or your partner affected by trauma in your life? Trauma has a profound effect on our overall wellbeing and in this episode we explore some of the ways in which trauma may impact you. The term &apos;trauma&apos; often gets used in colloquial language to indicate high levels of stress. While it is true that all traumatic events are stressful, we cannot say that all stressful events are to do with trauma.  The impact of trauma can often manifest many years later. We distinguish between single event trauma, e.g. a car accident, an operation, war, loss in the family, witnessing a horrific crime, a natural disaster and developmental/complex trauma which happens over a period of time and is recurring, e.g. abuse, abandonment or neglect.Early symptoms of trauma can include flashbacks, hypervigilance, intrusive images, nightmares, shame and lack of self worth, mood swings, high sensitivity to sounds and light, hyperactivity, abrupt mood swings or fee
04/04/202232 minutes 12 seconds
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How to strengthen your relationship while in big life transitions

In today&apos;s episode we are in conversation with Dr Ilene Strauss Cohen  - - psychotherapist, author of five award winning self-help books and above all mother to two lively daughters.  Ilene&apos;s publications   include her most famous book, &apos;When It’s Never About You&apos;, and her new book, &apos;Anxious for Answers&apos;. She’s a regular contributor to Psychology Today, with dedicated readers numbering in the millions. In the discussion with Ilene we talk about life transitions and family as systems. How does a big change in a couple&apos;s or family&apos;s life impact on everyone?  We discuss how the arrival of the child impacts on a couple. Having a first child is one of the biggest changes that happens to the couple relationship, yet many couples are often very unprepared for this big life change.Another big life event that has a huge and often transformational impact on a family is th
28/03/202247 minutes 13 seconds
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How do you know you love someone?

The questions &apos;Do I really love the person I am with?&apos; or &apos;Do I still love my partner?&apos; are often asked in therapy.  In the early stages of the relationship one or both partners might be unsure whether they have made the right choice. In a more established relationship where there is a lot of conflict, partners may start to question whether there is still love in the relationship.There is no one definitive definition of what love is; love can be defined from a biological, sociological or psychological perspective. In our earlier podcast What the Greeks can teach us about relationships - seven types of love we discuss the many forms that love can take. We are often presented with ideas about love that present us with an unattainable ideal. Love in romantic films is often portrayed as the end goal of an arduous journe
21/03/202224 minutes 50 seconds
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Commitment in a relationship - what does it mean to you?

In today&apos;s episode we discuss common fears that come up when it comes to making a decision about your partner. We also talk about the challenges that arise if one or both partners opt out of or question their commitment to the relationship and their partner.What does the term &apos;commitment&apos; conjure up for you? For many people the idea of committing to another person brings up a lot of fear. Frequently there may be an association with being trapped or stuck. Difficulties with committing to a relationship may be down to a fear of being tied down to a relationship and partner that does not feel safe. If your earlier relationship templates in life have primed you to expect trouble in intimate relationships or if you have learned that relying on another person can be risky, you are likely to be very cautious at the idea of making yourself vulnerable and having dependency needs. In particular an avoidant-dismissing attachment style is often associated with
14/03/202233 minutes 18 seconds
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Why it is so hard to leave an abusive relationship

If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, you may wonder why they are putting up with the abuse and just don&apos;t leave. You may also ask yourself this question if you are currently in a relationship that is abusive.Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviour in relationships where one partner maintains power and control over the other. The abuse consists of physical, emotional, sexual, economic, psychological or spiritual acts that threaten the partner. The partner who is at the receiving end of abuse is put down, belittled, intimidated, frightened, manipulated, hurt, shamed, blamed or injured.  Domestic abuse occurs across gender, socioeconomic, ethnic, sexual, religious or cultural boundaries. Man can abuse women and women can abuse man. The same goes for anybody who identifies as non-binary. In today&apos;s episode we look at two aspects of domestic abuse: the abuse cycle and the trauma bond. We also look at the connection between an ins
07/03/202235 minutes
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Red flags in relationships - 23 signs that you are in trouble

In today&apos;s episode we talk about the kind of behaviours that indicate that your relationship is in trouble. Some of these red flags require more urgent action, others may require attention further down the line. All of the flags listed below should not be ignored in the long run as they are likely to erode or undermine you and/or the relationship. Pay close attention if your partner or the person you just met displays any of the following characteristics or behaviours:They are physically or verbally violent. -They express anger or other extreme emotional reactions (prolonged, silent treatment) in a way that makes you feel unsafe. -You are concerned about their excessive alcohol and/or substance abuse. -They exceed your physical boundaries even in small ways making you feel uncomfortable. - They put you down regularly - even if done in a joking way. -They hold views that are abhorrent to you, e.g. racis
28/02/202226 minutes 59 seconds
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How trusting are you - in yourself and in others?

Today we discuss different aspects of trust: the trust you place in yourself and in other people.  We have to trust other people implicitly all the time. For example, when driving a car we trust the other drivers not to crash into us. We make predictions about what is going to happen based on our previous experiences. If these experiences have been largely positive, we are likely to have to have similar expectations of other people in subsequent situations. The same is true of negative experiences. Our experiences shape our beliefs.When dating or in the early stages of a relationship you are in a situation of vulnerability. You cannot predict yet whether the other person is going to stick around. Dating comes with a certain amount of risk.Whether you are more or less trusting in your relationships depends on your earlier experiences. If you have learned in childhood or adulthood that other people are not reliably there for you, you are likely to predict
21/02/202232 minutes 21 seconds
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Our need for romance

Attending to romance in your relationship is important for at least two reasons: to keep the relationship alive, exciting and fun and to continue deepening the connection between you. Ideally you pay attention to romance not just one day in the year but throughout your relationship.Romance has different connotations for everybody; we all like to be romanced in different ways.  For some people romance is more closely associated with the idea of excitement, mystery and passion; for others it is about the deep, steady and safe bond of love.Our way of thinking about romance is influenced by the Romantic period in the 18th/19th century. As an antidote to the previous period of rationalism key features of the Romantic period where a celebration of the emotional, spontaneous, imaginative, the irrational and the mysterious often set in wild natural locations that mirrored the hero&apos;s emotional state. Think of Emily Bronte&apos;s Wuthering Height with the doomed lover
14/02/202229 minutes 25 seconds
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Why communication is not the only important aspect of successful relationships

Most people would regard communication as the key element of a strong relationship. Couples who start with couples therapy often say in their first session that they think they need to improve their communication skills. They believe that more talking or different ways of talking will address and improve the difficulties in their relationship.And they are right, of course. However, before any communication can take place both partners will need to have a certain willingness to talk to each other. They need to want to connect. Listen to today&apos;s episode to find out how to create more connection. &lt;p&gt;&lt; &lt;ul&gt;&lt;li&gt;Learn to understand what goes on for you internally.  &lt;ul&gt;&lt;li&gt;- &lt;ul&gt;&lt;li&gt;Learn to gain insight into your partner&apos;s state of mind.  &lt;ul&gt;&lt;li&gt;- &lt;ul&gt;&lt;li&gt;Know what to do when you don&apos;t feel connected at all, e.g. when you are angry. &lt;ul&gt;&lt;li&gt; - 
07/02/202233 minutes 30 seconds
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Do you get drawn into other people’s relationship struggles? Or do you draw someone in to yours?

Do you often get drawn into other people&apos;s conflict? Do you bring in a third person to alleviate stress? In today&apos;s episode we discuss an important concept from family therapy: the notion of triangulation.When we are in a situation of intense relational pressure, be it at work, with friends or our partner, we often bring in a third person to release some of this pressure. For example, if you are very frustrated with some of the demands or behaviours of your boss at work you may complain to a colleague about the unreasonable demands made on you. This temporarily releases the pressure and makes the situation more bearable. The same is true in your relationship with your partner. Triangulation can be functional or positive where it resolves the problem or it can be dysfunctional when it perpetuates the  problem. If the conflict with your partner continues over a long period of time and you always need a third person involved in your difficulties (a friend,
31/01/202229 minutes 39 seconds
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How do you know that you are with the right partner? Or do you never meet the right person?

Have you been looking for a partner for some time now? Do you struggle with finding the right person for you - either you are not keen or the other person isn&apos;t smitten by you?Or are you in a relationship and unsure whether your partner is right for you?When dating you may find that you are often attracted to a similar kind of person, frequently someone who may not be the best match for you. In today episode we discuss whether there needs to be an initial spark when meeting someone; what might make you feel attracted to another person; why your understanding of yourself is key in relationships; how your attachment style influences your dating behaviour; your unconscious choices in selecting a partner; factors that contribute to building a long term relationship; whether you may need to develop different strategies when looking for a partner; questions you may ask yourself to determine whether your partner is right for you.If you want to find out more
24/01/202230 minutes 51 seconds
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Are you always the victim, persecutor or rescuer in conflict situations? - Understanding the drama triangle

In conflict situations we tend to step into familiar roles and often endlessly repeat the same unhelpful behaviour patterns. Karpman&apos;s Drama Triangle offers a useful model to understand the three roles that play out in these situations and what needs to be done to find a way out of these repetitive conflict scenarios.The three roles we can step into are that of The Victim, The Persecutor and The Rescuer.The person in the role of the victim feels oppressed, helpless and powerless and inferior. The stance in life is &apos;Poor Me&apos;.The person in the role of the persecutor is blaming, oppressive, critical and superior. Their stance is &apos;It&apos;s all your fault&apos;.The person in the rescuer role needs to help, find solutions, be supportive and allows the victim to fail. Their stance is &quot;Let me help you&apos;.We tend to have a preferred role that we play in conflict situations. This role was usually formed in our fami
17/01/202229 minutes 1 second
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Don't let the January Blues bring down your relationship - low mood and depression at the start of the year

Now that Christmas and New Year is behind you do you struggle with feeling sluggish, more pessimistic and less motivated than usual?  The beginning of the year is often a time when many people experience very low mood. The month of January is often associated with high levels of depressive episodes. While the idea of &apos;Blue Monday&apos; is reportedly a marketing invention by a travel company many mental health organisations report a 25% in the incidence of client depression. In today&apos;s episode we discuss the difference between clinical depression and short term low mood episodes.  Our moods fluctuate all the time and a short period of low mood does not mean that we are depressed. We look at the reasons for the high number of people feeling low after Christmas. We also look at the impact of depression on individual partners as well as the couple system.For more info on approaches to addressing and treating depression please listen to our <a href='https://
08/01/202227 minutes 26 seconds
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New year's resolutions - How your values may inform your relationship goals for 2022

In this episode we talk about new year&apos;s resolutions for the incoming year. We start off by discussing the relative merits of new year&apos;s resolutions and setting yourself goals in general. You may always start the year with lots of new plans or you may not.  Is now the time to consider what matters to you in your life and in your relationships? How do your values inform the goals that you are setting for yourself, either in your relationship or in aiming to find the right relationship for you?We set goals explicitly or implicitly all the time. Goals give us a sense of direction in life. However, before setting off in trying to reach a particular goal it is helpful to consider first of all why  you might want to achieve a certain goal. What informs your desire to have a specific relationship goal?  For example, if your value is to have a close connection with your partner then you your goals should be related to this overarching value.  One of your goals c
03/01/202231 minutes 15 seconds
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How differentiated are you? The key signs that indicate your level of success in a relationship

In today&apos;s episode Angela talks about the concept of differentiation. Differentiation refers to our ability to develop and evolve psychologically, on our own and in relationships with others. In relationships we need to maintain our sense of self while also getting close to another person without losing our identity. Differentiation means we are neither emotionally fused nor are we completely separate from each either; we know who we are and we can tolerate our partner being different from us. We can be our self within the structure of an intimate relationship. The higher the level of differentiation in the couple, the more mature and successful the relationship. Angela discusses the signs that show that you are in a relationship where one or both partners are poorly differentiated. Or maybe you are in a relationship that shows  high levels of differentiation?Being locked up and thrown more closely together as a couple has been quite challenging for lots
27/12/202122 minutes 47 seconds
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Having less stress at Christmas - synching your expectations around money, spending time with wider family and chores

If you celebrate Christmas you may have all sorts of expectations of the festive days. Based on your earlier experiences of Christmas you are likely to have a number of associations with Christmas - some positive, some negative. Many couples experience Christmas as stressful for a number of reasons: giving and receiving gifts that are appropriate, concerns about spending a lot of money,  spending time with your partner&apos;s family and managing the various chores on the day(s). If you are single and spending Christmas without family, the holiday period can be experienced as intensely lonely. In this episode we discuss these potential stressors and consider ways of preparing for Christmas as best as possible.ExpectationsYou are likely to have a particular script about the way you would ideally like to spend Christmas; this may either be a wish for a corrective experience, now wanting Christmas to be the way you always wanted it to be but never quite g
20/12/202125 minutes 8 seconds
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How does your attachment style influence your mindset? - Security, insecurity and rigidity in relationships and dating

Are you aware of your attachment style in relationships? Do you know what activates you into feeling insecure in a relationship? Knowing your attachment style will be hugely beneficial in understanding how you relate to other people. In this episode we consider whether your mindset is determined by your attachment style. We ask whether an insecure attachment style is more likely to lead to a fixed mindset and conversely whether a growth mindset can contribute to changing your attachment style. We briefly discuss the four attachment styles and how they manifest in relationships: secure, anxious-preoccupied, avoidant-dismissive and fearful-disorganised. Neither attachment styles nor mindsets are set in stone - a growth mindset can contribute to developing security in relationships.Your attachment style is your specific way of relating to other people. Attachment Theory was originally developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. As a child you create an internal working model
13/12/202130 minutes 10 seconds
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Do you have a fixed or growth mindset? - Mindsets and their impact on relationships and dating

Do you believe in the idea that love is either there or it isn&apos;t? Do you think that your partner is either meant to be for you or not? Do you worry that a partner who is not always as perfect as you want them to be may not be the right partner for you? In today&apos;s episode we discuss how your mindset influences your thinking about relationships and dating. The notion of mindsets was developed by Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck (2006). She suggested that people can take up two extreme positions in life: they either have a fixed mindset or a growth mindset. If you have a fixed mindset you believe that your own qualities or that of others cannot change; if you have a growth mindset you strongly believe in stretching yourself through learning and trying. Your mindset will determine your attitude to all aspects of life including your thinking about relationships.You can read more about mindsets in Angela&apos;s article <a href='
06/12/202128 minutes 47 seconds
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What happens when you 'lose your mind'? - How understanding the structure of your brain helps in conflict situations

Understanding the structure of your brain helps you and your partner to understand what happens when you are in a state of high emotional expression, e.g. when angry or feeling under attack. We briefly discuss the three main regions of the brain: the brainstem, the limbic area and the cortex by using Daniel Siegel&apos;s highly visual hand model of the brain. When we feel threatened we react - that&apos;s the way our brain works. Being reactive and mobilising for fight, flight or freeze responses means we are in survival mode. In this mode we are reactive rather than receptive to our partner. In order to be open to others we need to be able to employ the thinking part of our brain, the cortex which enables us to reflect, think and connect with others. We discuss how to be able to switch from a highly reactive survival response to having the capacity again for social engagement: listening, understanding why we responded the way we did and being able to generate understanding for the
29/11/202128 minutes 31 seconds
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How to deal with a toxic partner? - Breaking away from narcissistic abuse

Do you suspect that you or someone you know may be in a relationship with a partner who is narcissistic? Narcissism is a personality disorder. A narcissist has an excessive need for admiration, a distorted view of their own importance and a complete lack of empathy. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist your relationship will be toxic. In today&apos;s episode Angela talks to Dr Mariette Jansen, author of &apos;From Victim to Victor – Narcissism Survival Guide&apos; and the more recent &apos;Rulebook of a Narcissist – Narcissism Self-help Guide’. Mariette herself was at the receiving end narcissistic abuse; she is passionate about bringing more awareness to the experience of being in this type of toxic relationship. Mariette highlights how to spot the red flags that tell you that your partner might be narcissistic and what to do if you find yourself at the receiving end of narcissistic abuse. Mariette offers practical tips on how to respond adequately to the demands of a nar
22/11/202143 minutes 2 seconds
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Are you often too giving? - The art of balancing the giving and receiving of love

Do you frequently feel that you are the only person around who is constantly giving? Do you struggle with actually taking in compliments when they are given to you? Or do you find yourself feeling overwhelmed when there is too much attention coming your way?In today&apos;s episode we discuss the importance of giving and and receiving love in a balanced way.We look at the complexities around giving: often the need to constantly give can be driven by an underlying issue with low self worth or a number of anxieties. Often there is also a correlation between giving a lot and not being able to fully receive other people&apos;s attention and care. Conversely, you may find yourself struggling with giving your partner or other people close to you the attention that they desire from you. You may also find too much attention overwhelming.Do you often find yourself in a relationship where you feel that you are the one who is constantly making all the effort? There are usu
15/11/202124 minutes
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How to get to know yourself

How self aware are you? Do you know what makes you tick? Self awareness is key to building successful relationships: it helps you to distinguish between yourself and others, to understand why you might have certain perspectives and beliefs and most importantly it is the springboard to making changes in your life if necessary.In today&apos;s episodes we explore why knowing yourself is so important and how you might go about getting yourself a little better. We offer some suggestions that can get you started on your journey to self awareness and self knowledge.The ancient Greek philosopher Socrates famously stated that the unexamined life is not worth living.  Socrates was referring to the idea of living a life where you are ruled by others, have no questions about your life and its purpose and where you don&apos;t know who you are.  Not knowing yourself means that you are more likely to repeat the same old behaviours again and again - even if they don&apos;t necessarily ser
08/11/202128 minutes 6 seconds
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Why do you love the way that you do?

Are you aware of the way that you give and receive love? Are you confident in your way of loving? And do you notice your emotions, thoughts and behaviours when loving someone else?In today&apos;s episode we consider where our notions of love come from. We all tell ourselves stories about love which inform our expectations, hopes and desires. These stories are told by our parents, friends, teachers, writers, singers or actors in romantic films. We have lofty ideas and ideals about romantic love. Often there is a big gap between our ideals and our reality. Coming to terms with the reality of how we are being loved can be painful.The way that we love is influenced by our experiences - we learn templates of how to go about loving someone else and being loved. Our attachment style informs our love template: if we have an insecure attachment style we often struggle to form trusting relationships.The way that we love changes in the course of a relationship as projections give way to seeing
01/11/202128 minutes 20 seconds
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Why you behave the way you do - interview with Dr Sarah Hill

Do you ever wonder why you behave the way you do in different situations? Do you get into stuck patterns - repeating the same behaviour even if it doesn&apos;t serve you well?Whether we realise it or not, we are all influenced by our past experiences. Our early memories influence how we show up, how we interact with other people and what triggers the way we react.Exploring these childhood stories that underpin our behaviour can help us develop greater understanding about ourselves. Regaining command of these stories can be a major act of transformation.In this episode I&apos;m talking with Dr Sarah Hill, Managing Partner at Dialogix and author of &apos;Where Did You Learn To Behave Like That? A Coaching Guide For Working With Leaders&apos;. Sarah explores how behavioural changes can be made and how you expand your repertoire and range of behaviour.Dr. Sarah Hill, PhD is Co-owner of Dialogix and is based in the UK. Her early career in a range of different sect
25/10/202136 minutes 25 seconds
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It's not about winning - understanding your conflict style to manage arguments more effectively

In this episode we discuss the underlying reasons for getting into arguments, how you may experience the argument, your conflict style and what can be done to argue more effectively with your partner or others.What do you you consider to be an argument? Is is when someone shout at you or do you think you are in conflict if the other person has a different opinion? The way we view and interact in arguments is down to our previous learning about conflict, either in our family of origin, with friends or at school. We learn how to argue and how not to argue. Sometimes our strategies serve us well, often there are better ways of going about resolving differences.In this episode we talk about factors that contribute to one or the other partner initiating an argument and your different conflict styles. For example did you learn to appease others or to strike first pre-emptively?There are useful rules to bear in mind when wanting to resolve your differences in a way that makes both of you f
18/10/202136 minutes 45 seconds
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Anxiety and worry - how it affects you and your relationships

Do you or your partner often worry about lots of things to the extent that it significantly impacts your life? Does anxiety affect your relationships? In today&apos;s episode we talk about generalised anxiety: what it is, how it manifests, what might have caused it, how different therapeutic approaches think of and address anxiety and what might be done about it.We briefly consider the impact of anxiety on your relationship system and we end the session with a breathing and visualisation exercise that you can practice to bring your anxiety down.We all feel anxious some of the time. Anxiety is our inbuilt warning system that helps us to look out for danger and to keep as safe.Often the threat is a perceived one rather than a real threat. We talk about anxiety in the clinical sense if the anxiety is long, enduring and significantly impacts on a person&apos;s life.Anxiety can take many forms and can focus on a specific area of concern for example in the ca
11/10/202138 minutes
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Could this be the one? Or just the next one? - How to date the right person for you

In today&apos;s episode we consider how you know whether you are dating the right kind of partner for you. Dating can be a very challenging. You might have dated for quite some time already, met a number of people or are still waiting for the &apos;the one&apos;. We consider how you might want to go about dating and what signs to look out for that tell you that you have met someone who you can potentially build a relationship with. We ask you to consider your current strategies and whether you regard them as successful. If they are not successful, what do you think needs changing in your approach?Choosing the right partner can be challenging. Are you always aware of the kind of qualities that you are looking for in a partner? Love and care are expressed in many different way; it&apos;s helpful to know what qualities you need in a partner that make you feel looked after and loved.Many people hold the strong belief, fed by Hollywood romances, that there is one righ
04/10/202126 minutes 11 seconds
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I just called to say I love you - How to speak your partner's love language

How do you know that you are loved? Do you need your partner to tell you that you are loved or do you prefer to receive a box of finely crafted chocolates? Are you aware of your partner&apos;s preferred way of receiving your love?Today we talk about the 5 love languages described by Dr Chapman in his bestselling book of the same title: words of affirmation, receiving gifts, physical touch, quality time and acts of service.All of these &apos;languages&apos; are means of expressing our love. You and your partner may not speak the same language and therefore may miscommunicate. What you experience as an act of love may not be in the same way by your partner.How do you know that you are loved? Do you need your partner to tell you that you are loved or do you prefer to receive a box of finely crafted chocolates? Are you aware of your partner&apos;s preferred way of receiving your love?Today we talk about the 5 love languages described by Dr Chapman in his bestselling
27/09/202127 minutes 28 seconds
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Challenges that prevent you from exiting an abusive relationship

In today&apos;s episode we discuss the some of the underlying relationship dynamics that contribute to making it very difficult for an abused partner to leave the relationship. The reasons for someone to stay in an abusive relationship are complex and manifold. In this episode we explore how an understanding of attachment theory can help to understand why an abused partner struggles to leave their abuser behind. Insecurely attached adults have an internalised notion of themselves as being somehow responsible for the lack of love and fair treatment from their partner. They don&apos;t consciously choose to be abused but they enable the abusive partner, who is also insecurely attached. Abused partners often have attachment wounds that makes it more difficult for them to set boundaries or to assert themselves.In addition to looking at the impact of insecure attachment we also discuss another important factor that explains why people stay in abusive relationships: the traumatic bond that
20/09/202131 minutes 33 seconds
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Let’s talk about you and me - Effective communication in relationships

In today&apos;s episode we are talking about effective, verbal communication in relationships. While there are many ways of expressing love and care most relationship experts would agree that talking effectively to each other is crucial in any form of relationship. We discuss how to set the scene for effective communication, how not to communicate and what you will need to address when communicating effectively. Learning to listen to your partner and expressing what you are experiencing are the key blocks of any form of communication.Get additional podcast information on our podcast website by clicking hereWe are always communicating with our partner - be it through words or gestures. Even when we are purposefully not communicating, we are sending a message across that we are frustrated, angry, punishing etc.Talking to your partner is important. It&apos;s not the only way of building a good relationsh
13/09/202130 minutes 48 seconds
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Ain't No Sunshine Anymore - 9 of the biggest relationship problems

In this episode, we&apos;re exploring nine of the most commonly rated relationship issues that people experience and the steps you can take to address these issues. You may experience one or more of these issues at different times in your relationship. We&apos;ll explore these issues and also strategies to help you overcome them.The biggest challenges people tend to face in relationships that we discuss in this episode are:1. Lack of effort/Taking the partner for granted: your enthusiasm for your partner has faded over a period of time, other demands take over and you have become more distant from each other. You don&apos;t regularly check in with each other and there is a lack of communication.2. Emotional Fusion: You are too enmeshed with each other and struggle to have a sense of separateness and independence in your relationship.3. Stress: one or both of you are struggling with the demands of work, childcare or other chores that need doing
06/09/202130 minutes 50 seconds
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Social anxiety, dating and relationships

Social anxiety can be a problem for most people at some point in their lives.When it comes to dating, social anxiety can be the biggest hurdle to overcome when you are trying to find a relationship. Social anxiety makes even creating a dating profile, let alone meeting someone nerve wracking.In relationships, social anxiety can cause problems when one person finds social situations awkward and can disrupt an otherwise good relationship. So in this episode we are exploring social anxiety and some ways to help solve it.Social anxiety can be one of the biggest problems for anyone wanting to find or develop a fulfilling relationship. Dating and relationships involve interacting with other people, so feeling more comfortable in social situations is crucial.In this episode I am talking about 2 different ways that anxiety is created - via the cortex or via the amygdala, and what this means to dealing with anxiety.Some ways discussed to help with social anxiety
30/08/202125 minutes 1 second
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What the Greeks can teach us about relationships - seven types of love

In this episode, we are exploring the seven different concepts of love described by the ancient Greeks. We often think about love in the context of romance, but there are many types of love including the love you have for a friend or family member, love in the sense of loyalty, passionate love and self love.The seven terms for love used by the ancient Greeks can help us gain deeper insight into love and relationships and explore areas to develop to experience richer love and relationships in our lives.The 7 concepts the ancient Greeks used for love can give us a fascinating insight into our own relationships and how to develop more love in our lives. They are:Eros: romantic, passionate love.Philia: intimate, authentic friendship. Ludus: playful, flirtatious love.Storge: unconditional, familial love. Philautia: self-love.Pragma: committed, companionate love.Agápe: empathetic, universal love.</o
23/08/202132 minutes 47 seconds
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The mind, nutrition & weight loss - talk with Lowri Turner

In this episode, I&apos;m talking with Lowri Turner. If you have ever tried to lose weight, or been on crash diets and ended up putting on more weight than before, then this episode will help you understand about effective and long lasting ways to sustain weight loss.Weight loss is difficult or impossible to maintain purely through restrictive dieting. Having a balanced approach combining proper nutrition and also working with the mind to find strategies and approaches to change our relationship with food is essential for long term results.Lowri turner is a nutritionist and hypnotherapist who specialises in weight loss. Tune in for a fascinating exploration about achieving the weight loss you want.
17/08/202121 minutes 7 seconds
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Truly, madly, deeply - The four stages of relationships

In today&apos;s episode Angela talks about the different stages that romantic relationships go through. Relationships change over time and each stage of the relationship offers developmental opportunities. Can you identify where you currently are? Or can you work out which stage you usually get to in your relationships? While each relationship is different there are usually distinct stages that couple relationships go through. This process is not necessarily linear and frequently one partner may be in a different stage of the relationship than the other.In this episode Angela explains what each stage of the relationship looks like, the challenges that you may be presented with and the developmental tasks of each stage. In summary the four stages discussed are1. The Spark - the honey moon phase. At this stage partners usually think of each other as wonderful, gorgeous and delightful.  You two are one and the rest of the world is seen through rose ti
09/08/202118 minutes 20 seconds
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Love and intimate relationships - an interview with Dr Nash Popovic

In this episode our guest is Dr Nash Popovic, who will be discussing love and relationships.Dr Nash Popovic is a Senior Lecturer in the School of Psychology at the University of East London. He is also the author of Personal Synthesis, arguably the most comprehensive personal development source on the web. You can find there how to deal with emotions, how to make sound decisions and motivate yourself and others, the best ways of increasing resilience and, of course, how to have good close relationships. In today&apos;s talk on this topic, Nash will be drawing from the Personal Synthesis materials as well as from decades of research and experience as a Personal Consultant and Couples Therapist.
02/08/202149 minutes 13 seconds
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Being more assertive - how to express what you think and feel in a safe way

There is often confusion in people&apos;s mind about what it means to be assertive; often there is an underlying assumption that assertiveness equals aggressiveness. In today&apos;s episode we define what we mean by being assertive: expressing your rights, feelings and thoughts without violating the rights of others.We can all be assertive in some situations and less so in others. Our ability to disagree openly depends on our sense of safety. If I feel safe, I can express myself more readily. In this episode we look at your underlying concerns and assumptions about saying what you need to say: where did these come from and how do these impact on your life today?We discuss how you can slowly work on becoming more assertive. This practice involves developing different ways of thinking as well as using your body to experience yourself as safer and more secure in situations that you experience as challenging.
26/07/202121 minutes 38 seconds
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Essential skills for healthy relationships - how to create and maintain long lasting love

In today&apos;s episode we consider the skills that are needed to develop long lasting, fulfilling relationships. When people are asked about their wishes for a good relationship they usually talk about being supported, loved and feeling content and happy. However, often it is not clear what skills are required to create these fulfilling relationships. We are not taught in school how to go about creating strong relationships. We are taught in fairy tales that a prince or princess arrives and everything is hunky dory. But what happens next once you&apos;ve got your prince or princess?In this episode we talk about the skills that we have identified as crucial for successful relationships: - Self-awareness: generating insight into understanding what makes you think, feel and behave in a particular way and why- Empathy: understanding your partner and their way of thinking, feeling and behaving. What makes your partner tick and why?-Mutuality: understanding how you impact on each other and
19/07/202127 minutes 50 seconds
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Being a people pleaser: why we do it and how to change it

Are you always concerned about getting it right for other people, frequently to the detriment of yourself? In today&apos;s episode we look at the signs that show you that your driver in life and in relationships might be to please others.We discuss the underlying thinking of a people-pleaser and the root causes that get people into the idea that they need to please all the time. People-pleasers are usually parent-pleasers; we learn how to interact with others initially when growing up in our family of origin. In this episode we briefly talk about the the link between an anxious attachment style and the need to be &apos;good&apos; with others at all times. While it may be pleasant for people around you that you always try to please them, there are also some draw backs that are experienced by the people at the receiving end of being pleased and appeased. Your people pleasing may affect your friends and partners in ways that were unintentional.How can you change your behaviour? How can y
12/07/202119 minutes 56 seconds
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Stress & Anxiety: Resistance is futile - ACT now

In today&apos;s episode Tom explains what insights we can gain from Acceptance &amp; Commitment Therapy (ACT), in particular when it comes to stress and anxiety. Unlike other therapies where the focus is on regulating difficult emotions, ACT is not concerned with telling us how we can manage these feelings better but with allowing for these feelings to be present. Rather than trying to get rid of the feeling as soon as possible, we learn to allow to be with it. Many people spend a lot of time trying to &apos;deal&apos; with stress and anxiety. We might get caught up in a cycle of trying to avoid difficult situations, or trying to &apos;lessen&apos; feelings of anxiety. As a result, we spend our time and energy trying to regulate difficult emotions and get distracted from the things that are really important to us.Positive and negative emotions are a part of life, and with ACT we learn how to experience the full spectrum of emotions whilst heading towards the things that are most import
05/07/202124 minutes 21 seconds
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Under more pressure - stress and connecting with others

Following our last podcast episode which has been exceedingly popular, we decided to delve further into stress and the polyvagal system. The focus of our session today in on connection with other people. When we are feeling stressed we struggle with being close to other people. Being connected to others on the other hand can help us with managing stress. Polyvagal Theory offers us a good overview of the three different states that our nervous system can be in: we can feel connected others and feel safe; we can feel threatened and fight back or avoid a situation by running away from it or we can be completely overwhelmed and shut down, playing dead so to speak.Other people can help us to co-regulate our emotions, in other words, if I am feeling stressed a friend, partner or colleague can help me to manage my feelings around being stressed better. People who are very isolated often struggle with regulating their emotions because they can&apos;t co-regulate with others. Often this goes h
28/06/202126 minutes 45 seconds
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Under pressure - managing stress through understanding your nervous system

In this episode we explore what happens to you when you are feeling stressed, how stress impacts on your life and what needs to be done to managing stress. When we are stressed our sympathetic autonomic nervous system gets activated. We go into fight or flight responses. Polyvagal Theory, developed by Stephen Porges, has expanded the understanding of the nervous system offering useful insights into the processing of situations that we experience as stressful. In addition to fight and flight responses Polyvagal Theory identifies a third type of nervous system response that Stephen Porges calls the social engagement system. This is the part that is relevant in particular to our capacity get on well with other people.Stress or burnout are not medical terms- they describe a series of emotional and bodily experiences. We talk about positive (eustress) and negative (stress); stress that mobilises and motivates us and stress that is chronic and causes all sorts of questions in the long run.St
20/06/202126 minutes 21 seconds
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How to starve the anger gremlin

We all feel angry at times, frequently because we feel an injustice has been done or another person is being hurtful to us. Anger itself is a completely normal human emotion. As a fleeting feeling it is relatively harmless and unproblematic. However, if anger starts to control your life and affect relationships with others it might be good to examine what the underlying causes are and how to manage your anger better. Anger has been a necessary feeling that helped our survival. In its biological function anger is a response to a perceived threat. The instinctive way to express anger is through aggression. This would allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when under attack. Physically the body responds by showing an increased heart rate and blood pressure.In this episode we discus what to do if your anger remains unrestrained, very intense and frequent. We talk about anger as serving useful function in terms of propelling you to take action and stand up for values that are important t
13/06/202123 minutes 46 seconds
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Increase your self-esteem

In this episode we talk about self-esteem and building more confidence in yourself. The terms self-esteem and self-confidence are often used interchangeably but are slightly different. Low self-esteem manifest as having a generally negative opinion of yourself , talking negatively to yourself and judging or evaluating yourself negatively. Overall you struggle to see yourself in a positive light. We discuss how self-esteem manifests and impacts on a person who struggles with having a healthy self image. Generally speaking, if you have low self-esteem you tend to have a very strong inner critic, telling yourself that you are not doing well, not likeable or not doing as well as other people. The impact can be mild to quite devastating. It can lead to withdrawal, isolation, depression and anxiety or to excessive drug and alcohol use.We discuss the causes of low self-esteem, for example negative messaging in your family home, bullying at school or experiencing an abusive relationship as
06/06/202128 minutes 10 seconds
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How to sleep like a child

Trouble with falling asleep or waking up in the middle of the night affects most of us at some point in our life. We talk about insomnia if you regularly have problems sleeping. In today&apos;s podcast we talk about the importance of sleep and how problems with sleeping impact on your life. For example chronic sleep problems can lead to weight gain, memory performance decrease, depression or anxiety. Sleep problems are caused by a number of different factors such as stress, excessive worry, bad habits, environmental factors or shift work.Want to sleep better and more regularly? Find out more about what you can do to develop healthy sleep patterns and to improve your sleep if you struggle with insomnia.We talk you through sleep hygiene and developing more sleep efficiency, that is improving the percentage of time asleep in bed. Ideally you would want to spend roughly 85% of your time in bed asleep rather than awake. Following the guidance on behaviour around sleep can really make a big
31/05/202127 minutes 25 seconds
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Understanding yourself - the key to fulfilling relationships

&apos;Know Thyself&apos;, this ancient saying encourages us to go in search of a deeper level of self-understanding - In today&apos;s episode we explore why knowing yourself matters in the context of relationships. Couples are often surprised that their partner &apos;changed&apos; over time. One or two years down the line you may think that your partner is not the person you thought they would be. You may notice that they are not as patient, cuddly, understanding or present as you want them to be. The ideal partner from the honeymoon days seems to have disappeared. The disappointment with the partner frequently results in a mutual blame game. What many couples fail to acknowledge is their own perspective and their own expectations. It helps to know your own starting point. What are your thoughts about relationships? What do you expect from your partner? And how do you respond to disappointments?Your ideas about relationships have been formed over a long period of time, starting in you
24/05/202119 minutes 37 seconds
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Change your thoughts, transform your relationships

In this episode we explore the connection between thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and behaviour.Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) has been useful at helping us identify how our interpretations of a particular event, rather than the event itself, determines how we feel about it. It is our reaction to situations that make them problematic, not the situation itself. Most of the time something happens to us and we assume that the thing that happens to us makes us feel sad, upset, angry etc. What we often fail to pay attention to is that we have an underlying belief or belief system that assesses a situation and comes up with an interpretation. These interpretations frequently don&apos;t serve us well. This is true in relationships where our partners says or does something that we interpret as disrespectful, annoying or hurtful. Subsequently we may fight back or sulk and lick our wounds. It is also true in dating scenarios where you may chose to interpret another person&apos;s lack
16/05/202124 minutes 39 seconds
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Building resilience - identify and utilise your strengths

In this episode we explore your inner strengths that get you through difficult times in life. Are you aware of the strategies that you employ to manage challenges? Most of the time you go through life managing obstacles without even thinking about it. Bringing these strategies into your awareness will enable you to creatively employ them in situations which are more demanding and stretching for you. These situations may include challenges at work, in your relationship or in other areas of your life. Developing more resilience will also enable you to cope better with your partner&apos;s distress or frustrations. In this podcast we discuss Padesky and Mooney&apos;s Four Step Strengths-Based cognitive behavioural model. The focus is on helping you discover the positive qualities you already have and to consciously apply your strengths in all areas of difficulty in your life.
09/05/202121 minutes 42 seconds
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Approaches to addressing and treating depression

In this episode we&apos;re talking about depression. According to Word Health Organisation, depression is the most common illness worldwide: in 2017 264 million people were affected. In the UK 10% of the population will have had an experience of depression in their life time.Depression is characterised by persistent low mood, lack of motivation and a loss of interest in activities that are usually experienced as pleasurable. Depressive symptoms vary in their intensity depending on the severity of the depressive episode. Symptoms may include a lack of appetite, insomnia, morbid thoughts, feelings of hopelessness, restlessness, decreased energy, feelings of guilt or lack of concentration. We are talking about clinical depression if more than one of these symptoms are ticked and a person&apos;s life is impacted to such an extent that it interferes with their daily life.In the field of therapy there are different ways of thinking of depression and how best to work with it. Psychodynamic a
03/05/202126 minutes 16 seconds
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When you feel irritated with your partner

In this episode we talk about moments when you get annoyed or irritated with your partner. You may get irritated by a number of small behaviours that can over time build up to a more serious frustration with your partner. These irritations tend to arise at a later stage in the relationship, once the honeymoon is over.We talk about bringing these behaviours to your partner&apos;s attention in a way that feels ok for both of you and that can lead to behavioural change.
25/04/202117 minutes 18 seconds
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Have you been Kondo-ed? Dating terms and their deeeper meaning

You might be familiar with ghosting, but how about Kondo-ing?There&apos;s a bizarre world of terms used in dating now including dog-fish &amp; being zombied! Today we&apos;re exploring some of these terms in a fun and lively episode.We&apos;re also looking a little deeper and exploring what drives people who are &apos;guilty&apos; of these behaviours and how to cope if you are the innocent victim.
18/04/202129 minutes 13 seconds
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mBraining - get more out of life by using your multiple brains

This week I&apos;m talking with Reb Veale about mBraining - which is all about how to use your multiple brains to do cool stuff!Reb is an mBIT Trainer and Master Coach and NLP Master Trainer. She is also a coach supervisor, occupational psychologist and is psychotherapeutically-trained. Reb is also a Yiayia (which is Greek for Grandma), a gardener and maker of chutney. She has always been passionate about what makes people tick, what makes us different and what we share in common. This fascination is what led her down a wormhole in the internet back in early 2013 and how she came across the field of mBraining. Reb has so far trained and certified almost 300 mBIT coaches in nine countries in four continents and her personal mission is to bring mBraining to as many people as possible during her lifetime.
11/04/202132 minutes 13 seconds
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Let's talk about sex: understanding your on and off switches

In this episode we&apos;re talking about some of the factors that influence the quality of your time in your bedroom (or wherever takes your fancy!) with your partner.In most relationships partners experience their level of sexual drive in different ways from each other. Relationships change over time; this includes the sexual dimension of your relationship. What starts off amazing can fade away and be an often unspoken source of dissatisfaction in relationships. Learning about the dual drives that determine arousal can help you improve your relationship in and out of the bedroom. Many couples struggle to have a dialogue about sexual issues in the relationship. Often this is related to feelings of shame, of low confidence, worries about not being &apos;good enough&apos; or simply not knowing what language to use. Gaining an understanding of you &apos;turn ons&apos; and &apos;turn offs&apos; can help you gain more confidence in your own sexuality, help you communicate better with your
04/04/202123 minutes 24 seconds
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Unfinished business - when you haven't said what needs saying

In this episode we will be talking about unfinished business. Is there something that you wish you had said to a friend/family member/partner or colleague? We will be talking about.......communication that has been left hanging. Frequently, we don&apos;t tell another person what we think or feel because of an underlying fear that the other person may not like what we say. Our unexpressed feelings or thoughts may stay with us for hours, days or sometimes even years. Why is it to difficult to say certain things to our partner? In relationships some partner struggle to say what needs saying. They may prefer to sulk. We explore the challenges that people face in expressing what they need to express and the impact it has on us in the short and long term.
28/03/202125 minutes 5 seconds
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'I'm ok, you're ok' - the foundation of healthy relationships

Following on from episode 15 we explore further ideas from Transactional Analysis. In this episode you&apos;ll learn:- how to be more empowered in your relationship- how to help your partner feel more empowered- the drivers behind our behaviour- to understand why your partner behaves and communicates in the way they doDiscover how transactional analysis can help you and your relationships in this episode.
21/03/202129 minutes 26 seconds
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Rebuild your career after having had a baby

In today&apos;s episode I will talk to Judith Plastow, counsellor, psychotherapist and coach. Judith had worked at as a senior manager at Sky and Yahoo in her previous career. In addition to working as a lecturer on the MSc Integrative Counselling and Coaching at the University of East London, Judith runs women&apos;s groups in companies where mothers returning to work can discuss the challenges that they face. Women frequently struggle with issues like low confidence and impostor syndrome. Returning to work after maternity leave brings up additional concerns for many mothers: guilt about leaving the baby behind, worries about being deskilled at work or juggling the demands of home and work. Judith discusses what it means to be &apos;good enough&apos; in both roles and how to manage these multi-faceted demands. We start off the episode by looking at the recent challenges faced by parents whose children were at home during the Covid-19 pandemic lockdown and we are also discussing the im
14/03/202131 minutes 54 seconds
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How to use Transactional Analysis to communicate better

In this episode we will look at one of the most commonly used models of Transactional Analysis, the Parent/Adult/Child model. Transactional Analysis is a form of therapy that looks at the way that we talk to each other. At any given point in time we are in either in a Parent, Child or Adult state of mind that determines how we receive and respond to other people. When we are in a Parent state of mind our thoughts, feelings and behaviours are those that we learned from parental figures in our life, e.g. telling someone else what to do or not or looking after someone else. When we are in a Child state of mind we may be playful, compliant or throw a temper tantrum. In an Adult state we mediate between Parent and Child. Transactional Analysis helps us to examine which state we are in and to understand what happens when your partner is in a Parent state and you are in a Child state or vice versa. The insights that can be gained from these interactions are hugely helpful in understanding di
07/03/202128 minutes 11 seconds
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Relationship insights with the Eneagram

In this podcast I&apos;m talking with Dr Henrie Lidiard, where we are talking about how the Eneagram can help you have deeper insight into your relationships.Henrie began her career as a research scientist, and has spent the last 20 years helping people improve their relationships at work through self-awareness and communication skills. She is a master trainer of NLP, an Enneagram trainer and is based in West Yorkshire where she lives with her partner of 26 years and a cat who adopted them during lockdown.In this podcast she is talking about the Enneagram, which is a powerful and profound model for understanding archetypal patterns in human nature. It is sometimes described as “A map of the human soul”.
28/02/202130 minutes 11 seconds
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Challenging times and how to deal with them

Everyone faces challenges at some point in their life. Recently with the pandemic, there have been more challenging times than ever.In this podcast are talking about permanence and pervasiveness: the idea that a challenging situation feels like it will never end and the idea that it colours all of your life. Often we may feel that we are helpless in the face of a challenge, we may feel that we have no control over our life. In the podcast we are also talking about projection: feeling worried or stressed with challenges often leads to passing on that stress and frustration to the person who is closest to us. Many relationships in the last year have been affected in this way; partners struggled with taking on the other&apos;s stress on top of their own. We explore how anger with the current situation plays out in relationships with our partners, colleagues and the public at large. There are times when it can feel like we don&apos;t have the strength we need to get through the current si
21/02/202126 minutes 57 seconds
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Living with a narcissist? How to spot the signs and know what to do.

In today&apos;s episode I will be talking with Dr Mariette Jansen, author of &apos;From Victim to Victor - Narcissism Survival Guide&apos;.Mariette trained as a psychotherapist and later on as a life coach focusing in particular on issues related to stress at the workplace or personal life. Mariette has had her own experience of having narcissists in her life: her mother is a narcissist and Mariette was in a relationship with a narcissist. She has written &apos;From Victim to Victor&apos; from the perspective of surviving these relationships. If you have a narcissist in your life - be it a partner, parent, friend, work colleague - this podcast will help you to learn how they operate, how they impact on you and what strategies you can develop to move away from the narcissist. If you aren&apos;t sure whether a certain person in your life is a narcissist, stay tuned to find out whether they show signs of narcissism like grandiosity or not being able to handle criticism.Her best selling a
14/02/202137 minutes 4 seconds
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Loneliness and isolation

Loneliness can affect almost anyone.During the pandemic the experience of feeling lonely has become an even greater issue. More and more people report that they are struggling with feeling isolated. Loneliness has become a major source of emotional and mental health concern.We can experience loneliness when single and when we are in a relationship. You can have a large family but still find yourself feeling alone and disconnected from everybody. There are different degrees of loneliness. Some people feel lonely some of the time; others have a more profound and continuous experience of loneliness. If you experience profound loneliness there are good reasons for this. It helps to understand the underlying reasons for this experience and to consider how to overcome associated challenges.In this episode, we are going to explore loneliness and isolation. We will explore the experience of feeling lonely and explore some strategies that may help you on your way towards more connection.
07/02/202121 minutes 37 seconds
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Toxic Relationships - interview with Sarah K Ramsey

In this episode I&apos;m talking with Sarah K Ramsey. Sarah K Ramsey is a Toxic Relationship Specialist, Life Coach and NLP Master Practitioner who helps amazing women remember how amazing they are after enduring the pain of a toxic partner or parent. She works with women who have experienced toxic relationships and who remain stuck in a cycle of pain and confusion transform their minds and lives by taking back their power, recreating a life they are excited about living and bringing renewed energy, clarity, and excellence into establishing careers and relationships they love. Her podcast Toxic Person Proof has been ranked in the top 5% of podcasts globally and was rated the best podcast for getting over your ex. Her work has been featured in the Emotional Abuse Recovery and Resilience Summit, Healing Narcissistic Trauma Conference, Medium, Thrive Global, The Elephant Journal and The Courageous Woman Summit. Contact Sarah at [email protected] or
31/01/202126 minutes 15 seconds
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Anxiety and how to manage it

We all experience anxiety at times for a number of reasons, for example because of stress at work, concerns about our health or worries about our friendships or relationships. Currently, anxiety levels generally are very high because of COVID-19 concerns. We experience anxiety when we feel that we are under threat and when we are dealing with uncertainty. Anxiety leads to challenges in relationships and vice versa. If you feel worried about your partner this will impact the relationship; if the relationship throws up difficulties, you may start to feel anxious. Generally speaking, you are more likely to experience anxiety if you have an insecure attachment style and interpret other people’s intentions or behaviour in a way that is not favourable towards you.In this podcast we talk about the biological reasons for feeling anxious sometimes as well as the different forms that anxiety can take. When anxiety gets out of hand it can manifest as Generalised Anxiety, Health Anxiety, Social An
24/01/202127 minutes 44 seconds
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How to transform your mind through body awareness

In this podcast I&apos;m talking to Thomas Kampe, Professor of Somatic Performance and Education. Thomas was born in Germany and moved to the UK in his twenties. Thomas has worked as a performing artist, researcher and educator across the globe. He has worked with a number of well known choreographers, dancers, play writers and artists. In this interview you will witness Thomas&apos; passion for and commitment to his work: he loves witnessing change in the participants he works with. For example, students learn how a focus on small movements helps us to tune in better to what we are experiencing internally. Thomas is a qualified teacher of the Feldenkrais method which informs his work greatly. Students learn to go through a sequence of movements that they repeat and explore, gaining insight into internal sensations. Shifts can be achieved by moving differently. Moving differently in turn will impact not only on physical sensations but also on a person&apos;s thinking and feeling. In
17/01/202149 minutes 58 seconds
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How projection can make or break your relationships

Have you ever felt blamed for something you didn&apos;t do? Maybe even when you know the person blaming you is the one who behaves in that way?Or have you ever been attracted to the &apos;wrong&apos; type of people?If so, it could be influenced by projection.Projection is where we attribute our unwanted thoughts, feelings, motives and desires onto other people. Some signs we may be projecting are when we feel overly hurt or defensive about something someone has said or done.Or when we allow someone to push our buttons in ways that don&apos;t happen with other people. We can also project positive qualities onto other people that may not be there, and lead us getting into relationships that aren&apos;t good for us.In this episode, we&apos;re going to talk about projection and some of the things you can do to become aware of it and positively influence your relationships.
10/01/202127 minutes 7 seconds
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Achieve your dreams through finding your inner compass - interview with Floyd Woodrow

Have you ever dreamed of things you&apos;d like to achieve in life, but never took action on them? We all are full of potential and capable of so much more than most of us ever fulfil. So what stops so many of us from achieving that potential?In this episode I am talking with Floyd Woodrow. Floyd has spent his career achieving at the highest possible level and has developed a unique approach to helping people achieve their potential.Having served in the SAS for more than 20 years, Floyd Woodrow MBE DCM has achieved at the very highest levels. Inspiring his men in the most demanding of situations, he drove his team to success, ultimately being awarded the UK&apos;s second-highest award for gallantry, the Distinguished Conduct Medal.Floyd Woodrow is Managing Director and founder of Chrysalis Worldwide, a world leading values-based organisation, and owner of Quantum Group, recently winning an innovation award for 2018 in the Fintech sector.Floyd has an excellent track record of success as
03/01/202133 minutes 8 seconds
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How hope can help you and your relationships when things seem challenging

Have you ever felt like you&apos;ve tried everything and nothing seems to work?Maybe if you are single, you&apos;ve been on dozens of dates or spent years looking for the relationship you know you deserve, but still haven&apos;t found it.Or maybe you&apos;ve been arguing with your partner for months and it feels like it is never going to get better?In this episode we&apos;re talking about hope. Hope is essential to help motivate you and give you energy to keep going at those times when things are challenging. In the darkest hours, hope gives us the mindset and emotional resources to keep going until we find a solution. Hope provides us with agency and pathways: it enables us to have the will and determination to achieve a goal and to find ways to get there.Over years of working with clients, one of the most important factors that prevents someone from falling into helplessness is hope. So in this episode, we&apos;re going to explore what hope is and how to find it.
27/12/202034 minutes 21 seconds
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Stop the fighting - dealing with relationship conflict

In this episode we&apos;re going to be talking about how to deal with arguments and conflict in relationships. In particular, over the last few months there have been even more strains on relationships. The majority of relationships don&apos;t last and a huge part of this is because people don&apos;t know how to deal with conflict.Learning how to deal with conflict is crucial to build long term and fulfilling relationships.
20/12/202027 minutes 2 seconds
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Interview with Derek Clark - how teaching riders to develop better relationships with horses can improve your relationships

In this episode I&apos;m talking to Derek Clark, one of the founders of the Holistic Equitation Centre and creator of the Schooling Made Simple online coaching programme. In this fascinating discussion, you&apos;ll learn about how change and amazing relationships really come from developing a deep level of understanding and empathy. Derek Clark has been helping people achieve their dreams in sport and in business for nearly 40 years. After enjoying success in rowing at school and university, he became one of the first professional rowing coaches in the UK and helped his athletes achieve success at all levels - from complete beginners to world champions. In 1996 he was a coach of the Swiss Rowing Team that won 2 gold medals at the Olympic Games in Atlanta. Then, as ‘Technical Consultant&apos; to the Oxford University Boat Club he helped them turn a 7-year losing streak into 7 wins from the next 10 years in the annual Boat Race against Cambridge.Derek also has a strong entrepreneurial a
13/12/202031 minutes 47 seconds
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How learning about attachment styles can help you understand your relationship

In this episode we&apos;re going to be talking about attachment styles. Your attachment style can have a huge impact in your finding and creating a great relationship. It also determines whether you&apos;re going to be happy in your long term relationship. Understanding your relationship style and another person&apos;s style will help you find better relationships and also help you improve your existing relationships. So tune in to find out about this really important topic.
06/12/202025 minutes 32 seconds
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Successful relationships during the pandemic

In this episode we&apos;re talking about how to improve relationships during the pandemic, both for people in relationships and also for single people wanting to date. If you&apos;re stuck at home with your partner for weeks, it often leads to conflict. We&apos;re talking about ways to help you deal with that conflict and save your relationship.We also talk about how social restrictions could actually be a way that could help you find a fulfilling long term relationship if you are currently single.
29/11/202029 minutes 9 seconds