Boys need support, not disdainIn June 2024, Andrew Reiner, author of Better Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity That Creates Greater Courage and Emotional Resiliency, published an article entitled “Our culture’s trashing of boys & men is having toxic consequences.”In this episode, he and Jen discuss what boys need & we can best support boys.Takeaways:Boys need support, not disdain.Cultural perceptions of masculinity can be harmful.Media often portrays boys negatively.Boys are falling behind in education.It’s important to understand boys’ emotional needs.Parents and educators play a crucial role.Challenging traditional masculinity is necessary.Creating safe spaces for boys is essential.Engaging boys in education requires new approaches.Researching boys’ experiences is vital for change.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:andrewreinerauthor.com –– Andrew’s websiteAndrew Reiner: Building Boys’ Mental Health & Resiliency — ON BOYS episodeBetter Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity that Creates Greater Courage and Emotional Resiliency, by Andrew ReinerThe Trouble with Boys Isn’t Boys — article by AndrewYoung, Male, & Adrift — article by AndrewBoys are Great shop — boy-affirming merch!Sponsor Spotlight: Hello FreshGet 10 FREE meals at HelloFresh.com/FreeONBOYS  Sponsor Spotlight: IXLThe world’s most popular subscription-based learning site for K–12! Get 20% off at ixl.com/TODAYSponsor Spotlight: AvoilaUse code ONBOYS to save 10% when you shop Avoila Nourishing Face Oil Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire: armoire.style/ONBOYS* Check out IXL and use my code TODAY for a great deal: www.ixl.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

AI — artificial intelligence — is already a big part of our everyday lives.We rely on it to help us get from one place to another. (GPS directions, anyone?) We use it to polish our prose. (Spell check and Grammarly, for instance.) Customer service chatbots and product recommendations based on previous purchases — all of these are built on AI.The public release of ChatGPT, a AI system that using natural language processing, has accelerated the use of AI in modern life. Students routinely use it for school work — to dismay of some teachers. As AI becomes more integrated into the tools and technologies we use every day, understanding how it works—and how to use it responsibly—is becoming essential for both adults and children.(AI, in fact, helped me rewrite that last sentence. Initially, it said, “Understanding AI & how to use it ethically is quickly becoming a necessary skill.)In this episode, we talk with Angela Radcliffe, a mom of two, clinical research expert, and AI enthusiast who created Quantum Kids, Guardians of AI: Story Quest and Activity Book to help kids (and their parents) understand ethical uses of AI.Takeaways:AI is rapidly evolving and impacting how children learn.Writing with AI can enhance creativity but requires careful guidance.Ethics in AI usage is crucial for responsible parenting.AI should be treated as a peer to foster collaboration.Teaching kindness and responsibility is essential in the age of AI.New ways of thinking may emerge from AI’s influence on education.Parents should actively engage with AI to understand its capabilities.Practical, fun uses of AI can help demystify the technology for families.Transparency and trust are vital in navigating AI’s impact.AI can be a valuable tool for enhancing everyday tasks and creativity.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Quantum Kids, Guardians of AI: Story Quest and Activity Book, created by Angela RadcliffeWhat Teachers Told Me About AI in SchoolTeens Using AI to Create Deepfakes of Classmates Prompts New Bill Sponsor Spotlight: AvoilaUse code ONBOYS to save 10% when you shop Avoila Nourishing Face Oil Sponsor Spotlight: Artifact Uprising1st time buyers get 20% off (& returning customers get 15% off) with code ONBOYSSponsor Spotlight: IXLThe world’s most popular subscription-based learning site for K–12! Get 20% off at ixl.com/TODAYOur Sponsors:* Check out Armoire: armoire.style/ONBOYS* Check out IXL and use my code TODAY for a great deal: www.ixl.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Young Black men and boys remain the most vulnerable student population in U.S. schools. That’s why David Kirkland, founder & CEO of forwardED, is asking educators to “put a deliberate focus on Black boys” this year – to uplift Black boys, of course, but also because research shows that addressing the needs of our most vulnerable populations helps ALL.“It’s not that Black males fail. It’s that we fail Black males,” David says. “it’s important for us to reframe that focus so we can understand what we can do better.”Takeaways:Black boys are the most vulnerable student population in U.S. schools, facing persistent disparities in academic achievement and discipline.The education system is failing Black boys, and the framing of the issue needs to shift from blaming Black males to recognizing that the system fails them.A comprehensive approach is needed, including funding, culturally responsive education, policy changes, and a shift in mindset and practices.Addressing the needs of Black boys will benefit all students and lead to better outcomes in the education system.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:www.forward-ed.com/Reclaiming Possibliity: An Intentional Focus on Black Boys This School Year — article by DavidCan We Talk? A Critical Examination of Cellphone Bans in Schools — article by DavidBlack Boys Matter — ON BOYS episodeSupporting Black Boys Mental Health (w Chandra White-Cummings) — ON BOYS episodeBoys in School Task Force — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: AvoilaUse code ONBOYS to save 10% when you shop Avoila Nourishing Face Oil Sponsor Spotlight: Artifact Uprising1st time buyers get 20% off (& returning customers get 15% off) with code ONBOYSSponsor Spotlight: IXLThe world’s most popular subscription-based learning site for K–12! Get 20% off at ixl.com/TODAYOur Sponsors:* Check out Artifact Uprising and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: www.artifactuprising.com* Check out IXL and use my code TODAY for a great deal: www.ixl.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Stop, drop, grow, and glow?That’s Holly Swenson’s advice to parents. Swenson, a RN-turned-writer and mom of 4 boys (currently ages 10, 13, 15, & 15) was approximately seven years into parenting when she realized that “when you are taking care of yourself, you’re better able to take care of everyone in her life.”She & Jen talk about her book, Stop, Drop, Grow, & Glow: Forming Deeper & More Joyful Connections with Yourself & Your Children.Takeaways:Self-awareness and self-care are essential for effective parenting.Balancing the needs and interests of multiple children requires intentionality and mindfulness.Reacting to situations can be counterproductive, while responding thoughtfully fosters deeper connections.Parenting is a journey of personal growth and self-improvement.The Stop, Drop, Grow, and Glow method encourages reflection, letting go of past experiences, cultivating growth and self-awareness, and embracing joy and gratitude. Self-care is essential for parents to show up as their best selves for their children.Children can be a catalyst for personal growth and healing for parents.Finding time for self-care may require creativity and microdosing self-care throughout the day.Water, such as taking a shower or bath, can be grounding and energizing for parents.Maintaining a sense of humor and lightness can help navigate the challenges of parenting.Prioritizing self-care and personal growth is an ongoing process that requires intention and discipline.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Stop, Drop, Grow, & Glow: Forming Deeper & More Joyful Connections with Yourself & Your Children, by Holly Swensonliveyourglow.live — Holly’s websiteMom is in Control with Heather Chauvin — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: AvoilaUse code ONBOYS to save 10% when you shop Avoila Nourishing Face Oil Sponsor Spotlight: Artifact Uprising1st time buyers get 20% off (& returning customers get 15% off) with code ONBOYSSponsor Spotlight: IXLThe world’s most popular subscription-based learning site for K–12! Get 20% off at ixl.com/TODAYOur Sponsors:* Check out Artifact Uprising and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: www.artifactuprising.com* Check out ByHeart and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: byheart.com* Check out IXL and use my code TODAY for a great deal: www.ixl.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Kids can thrive at any size, says Jill Castle, a pediatric dietician, parent, and author of Kids Thrive at Any Size: How to Nourish Your Big, Small, or In-Between Child for a Lifetime of Health & Happiness.Takeaways:Feeding kids in a healthy way can be challenging, but it’s important to raise children of all sizes to be physically healthy and emotionally well.Family culture plays a significant role in shaping children’s attitudes towards food and body size.Body neutrality focuses on the functionality of the body rather than its appearance, promoting acceptance and self-love.Growth charts are a tool for tracking a child’s growth over time, but they should not be used to define a child’s health or worthiness.Parents can advocate for their children by addressing biases and stigma related to body size, both within the extended family and in healthcare settings.Creating a positive meal environment and supporting children’s individual appetites can help build healthy eating habits.Parents should prioritize sleep, as it plays a crucial role in children’s growth and appetite regulation.Health should be measured by factors beyond weight, such as blood pressure, respiratory rate, and cardiovascular fitness.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:jillcastle.com — Jill’s websiteKids Thrive at Any Size: How to Nourish Your Big, Small, or In-Between Child for a Lifetime of Health & Happiness — Jill’s latest bookThe Nourished Child — Jill’s podcastPicky Eaters, Family Meals, & Nutrition — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: LumenUnderstand your metabolism! Go to lumen.me/ONBOYS to save 15% on LumenSponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Sponsor Spotlight: AvoilaUse code ONBOYS to save 10% when you shop Avoila Nourishing Face Oil Sponsor Spotlight: Artifact Uprising1st time buyers get 20% off (& returning customers get 15% off) with code ONBOYSSponsor Spotlight: IXLThe world’s most popular subscription-based learning site for K–12! Get 20% off at ixl.com/TODAYAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How can parents overcome their fears and worries so they can say YES to their boys’ interests and passions?That’s the question we discuss with Heather Sponholz, a “boy mom” who’s said yes to her teenage sons’ solo National Parks trips, MMA fighting, and ambitious Christmas lights project.Takeaways:Navigating the balance between freedom and safety for teenagers can be challenging for parents.Allowing teenagers to take solo trips can help them develop independence and learn important life skills.Trusting in your child’s ability to navigate challenges and make responsible decisions is essential.Supporting teenagers in pursuing their passions and interests can have a positive impact on their personal growth. Supporting and nurturing boys’ passions and interests is important for their personal growth and development.Parents should overcome their fears and worries and allow their children to pursue activities that they are passionate about.Community support and mentorship can play a crucial role in helping boys pursue their interests.Parents should prioritize their children’s passions and provide them with the necessary resources and opportunities to explore and excel in their chosen fields.Allowing boys to face challenges and learn from their experiences helps them develop problem-solving skills and resilience.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Encouraging Independence — ON BOYS episodeAutonomy-Supportive Parenting — ON BOYS episodeStep In or Step Back? — ON BOYS episodeAge 16 & Learning to Let Go — BuildingBoys postSponsor Spotlight: LumenUnderstand your metabolism! Go to lumen.me/ONBOYS to save 15% on LumenSponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Sponsor Spotlight: Artifact Uprising1st time buyers get 20% off (& returning customers get 15% off) with code ONBOYSSponsor Spotlight: IXLThe world’s most popular subscription-based learning site for K–12! Get 20% off at ixl.com/TODAYSponsor Spotlight: AvoilaAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

SheKnows’ “Be a Man” project is an “exploration of what it means to be a man today,” says Erika Janes, a “boy mom” and SheKnows editor-in-chief.Importantly, the project includes teen boys and gives them an opportunity to share their thoughts about manhood and masculinity. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the boys’ responses reflect our still-evolving understanding of gender. Crying, for instance, is still seen as a term with strongly feminine connotations, “but almost every boy we talked to said that they did cry,” Janes says. “They still feel like there’s a stigma to boys and men crying, but for the most part, almost of all of them said, ‘I cry at times.'”Boys, she says, “still get so many messages about traditional masculinity — ‘don’t cry, be strong, be a man.’ But they need to be allowed to express healthy emotion, to express vulnerability, to be able to cry and express sadness. We need to understand and accept that teen boys have all the same emotions as teen girls and that it’s healthier if they have outlets to express them.”Takeaways:The Be A Man project on She Knows provides a comprehensive look into the lives of teen boys, covering topics such as masculinity, mental health, and social media.It is important to include and listen to teen boys in conversations about their experiences and perspectives.Parents of boys may face challenges in understanding and raising boys, but it is important to provide support and guidance.The project aims to provide advice and resources for parents navigating these topics with their teen boys.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:We Asked 4 Teen Boys to Test New Fall Fragrances – Here’s What They Said – SheKnows articleThe Response to Tim Walz’s Son’s Proud Tears at the DNC is a Telling Look at Masculinity & Emotion — SheKnows articleHow Teen Boys View Male Celebrities & Masculinity, from Ryan Reynolds to Timothee Chalamet — SheKNow articleGender Equality, Boys, & Men — ON BOYS episode featuring Richard V. ReevesBoyMom Ruth Whippman on Reimaging Boyhood — ON BOYS episodeDr. Niobe Way on Reimagining Boys — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: LumenUnderstand your metabolism! Go to lumen.me/ONBOYS to save 15% on LumenSponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Sponsor Spotlight: AvoilaSponsor Spotlight: Artifact Uprising1st time buyers get 20% off (& returning customers get 15% off) with code ONBOYSSponsor Spotlight: IXLThe world’s most popular subscription-based learning site for K–12! Get 20% off at ixl.com/TODAYOur Sponsors:* Check out Armoire: armoire.style/ONBOYS* Check out Artifact Uprising and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: www.artifactuprising.com* Check out ByHeart and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: byheart.com* Check out IXL and use my code TODAY for a great deal: www.ixl.com* Check out Lumen: lumen.me/ONBOYSAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

What is the goal of youth sports? It seems like an obvious question with an obvious answer. Isn’t the goal to provide kids with an opportunity to play sports? And to develop skills, teamwork, and camaraderie along the way?Historically, those were indeed the goals of youth sport. Many parents & kids still pursue those goals. But some parents & players have other goals: A scholarship. College admission. The youth sports industry also has a goal: To make money.Pay-to-PlayMany of today’s youth sports team use a pay-to-play model: parents pay (often exorbitant amounts) for their kids to play. Some youth sports organizations frame this cost as an “investment” and mention ROI — return on investment — on their websites. The required investment isn’t only financial; parents & families now invest a lot of time into sports practices, games, & tournaments.“What used to be very much a youth-driven activity has changed into more of an adult-driven model,” says Jean Linscott, co-author of What is the Goal?: The Truth About the Youth Sports Industry. And because the adults have invested so much, they have an incentive to keep kids playing. This, Jean says, “is an enormous difference from playing for fun and playing for the love of the game.”The first thing young parents should understand, if they’re considering signing a child up for a pay-to-play team, is that “this is a lifestyle choice,” says Kenneth Ruoff, Jean’s husband & co-author. “They should be putting aside 40 weekends a year for the next 10 years if you stick with pay-to-play sports through the high school years.”Sadly, there’s no strong evidence to suggest that this investment of time & money is beneficial to most families or athletes. “We talked to a lot of the top coaches in Oregon and they basically burst out laughing when we asked them if travel tournaments had any role in player development,” Ken says. “They said, ‘No, it’s ridiculous; they have no role, especially at the younger ages.’ So all that money that is being spent on travel tournaments is playing no role in developing the kids as athletes.”The Unacknowledged Costs of Youth SportsBecause of the tremendous costs associated with many youth sports teams, many kids do not have an opportunity to play or participate. And many children who do play experience physical and mental injuries, in part because they begin playing so young and often play year-’round.“The impact of this model means that there are big problems with overuse injuries and burnout,” Jean says.”Early specialization in sports is disastrous for the bodies and minds of children,” Ken adds.Unfortunately, in many places, there aren’t viable alternatives to the current pay-to-play youth sports model. Rec teams have faded or disappeared due to lack of funding and coaches. School teams may or may not be an option – but in many places, if a young athlete doesn’t also play on a travel team, they have little chance of earning a spot on a school team.Questions to Ask Before Signing for a Travel TeamBefore signing your child up for a pay-to-play, elite, or travel team, Jean says you should ask these “important, tough” questions:Do you track injury rates? What types of injuries are most common?Do you conduct exit interviews when families leave the club? What are the primary reasons athletes & families leave?What is your youth athlete development model?Be forewarned, however. Asking these questions does not guarantee that you’re doing to get a straight answer. It’s also a good idea to talk to a number of families who have been involved with the club or team, including those who no longer participate.Takeaways:The likelihood of receiving a college scholarship through youth sports is extremely low, and parents should consider alternative ways to fund their child’s education.Extricating oneself from the youth sports system can be challenging, but it is important to prioritize the well-being and interests of the child.Questioning the youth sports industry and advocating for affordable and inclusive options is crucial for the overall development of children.The emphasis on elite athletes and the pressure to participate in pay-to-play clubs can exclude many children and create unrealistic expectations.Sportswear companies play a role in the youth sports industry, but their focus on profit and exclusivity can hinder accessibility and development.Preferential admission for athletes in higher education perpetuates the socioeconomic elite and needs to be reevaluated.Parents have the power to ask questions, challenge the status quo, and advocate for changes that prioritize the well-being and enjoyment of youth sports.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:What is the Goal?: The Truth About the Youth Sports Industry, by Jean Linscott & Kenneth RuoffWhole Child Sports: An Alternative to Toxic Youth Sports Culture — ON BOYS episodeLinda Flanagan: Youth Sports are Out of Control –– ON BOYS episodeCoaches Speak About Youth Sports — ON BOYS episodeVarsity Blues Scandal Explained — BC Law articleSponsor Spotlight: Artifact Uprising1st time buyers get 20% off (& returning customers get 15% off) with code ONBOYS Sponsor Spotlight: IXLThe world’s most popular subscription-based learning site for K–12! Get 20% off at ixl.com/TODAYSponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.comSponsor Spotlight: LumenUnderstand your metabolism! Go to lumen.me/ONBOYS to save 15% on LumenSponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Sponsor Spotlight: AvoilaUse code ONBOYS to save 10% when you shop Avoila Nourishing Face Oil Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire: armoire.style/ONBOYS* Check out Artifact Uprising and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: www.artifactuprising.com* Check out ByHeart and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: byheart.com* Check out Lumen: lumen.me/ONBOYSAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

It’s back-to-school time! What does this time of year look like for you & your family? Does your son dread back-to-school? Do you? Or, do you welcome that start of a new school year?Rob Vaughn, a 5th grade teacher, is one of the (too) few male elementary school teachers in the United States.Masculinity in 5th gradeWhen we asked Rob about his experiences in school when he was a boy, he told us, “I was a different kind of boy.” He says he wasn’t a “sporty jock,” but “quiet,” “introverted,” and “nerdy.” He remembers being shy and feeling overwhelmed.The boys in his class exhibit a broad range of masculinity. There are the “dude” and “jocks,” Rob says, and at least as many boys how are “not stereotypical boys.” These guys like video games and stuffed animals, imaginative play, and art. They are sensitive — and so are the boys who like sports.Kids today, he says, aren’t as strictly adhering to gender roles as kids were a generation ago.“I’m finding that boys and girls are working together really well & openly, at least in my school,” Rob says. “Some of them are really great friends & some of the boys are really into ‘girl stuff.’ And they’re good at talking about their feelings!”He is working to overcome lingering biases left over from his own childhood. Rob has noticed that his brain often thinks “tough kid” when he sees a boy in football gear, for instance. “I need to remember that they are still little kids and they are sensitive – even though they are acting like the celebrities they see,” he says.He’s noticed boys emulating the behavior of online influencers and celebrities, including in less-than-desirable ways, such as arguing with referees or reacting with over-the-top rage when they lose a game. “It’s almost like there are little boys who are trying to be men, only the men they’re trying to be aren’t actualy men; they’re parodies of men that we’re seeing on social media.”5th grade boys, Rob says, are grappling with “who am I? and who am I supposed to be?” at the same time they’re “dealing with hurt feelings and missing their mom.”At the 5th grade level, boys tend to be less physically and emotionally mature than their female counterparts. At that age, boys are “not at a stage where they want to sit and discuss big ideas for as long” as the female students, Rob says. The boys, he says, “are operating at a level that’s a little sillier & younger.”Teaching boys and girls together — and honestly talking about development and challenges — can enhance understanding and empathy.Takeaways:Creating a sense of community in the classroom and giving students responsibilities can enhance their learning experience.Setting high expectations for students and empowering them to make choices can help build their independence.Fifth grade is a critical stage of development, with students experiencing the beginning stages of puberty and undergoing brain remodeling.Boys and girls in fifth grade are not always adhering to traditional gender roles, and they are grappling with societal expectations and their own identities.Social-emotional learning is an important aspect of the curriculum, focusing on skills such as empathy, communication, and self-awareness. Boys and girls may have different levels of maturity and focus in the classroom, with boys often being more active and playful.Societal expectations and media portrayals of masculinity can influence boys’ behavior and attitudes towards girls.Teaching boys about consent and respect for girls is crucial in creating a safe and inclusive environment.Parents and educators play a vital role in shaping boys’ behavior and attitudes towards girls.Building a strong foundation of respect and empathy in the early years can help boys navigate societal pressures and develop into confident and respectful men.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Where Are All the Male Teachers? — Good Men Project articleLisa Damour on the Emotional Lives on Teens — ON BOYS episodeMale Role Models — BuildingBoys post about male Olympians in the 2024 Summer OlympicsGender Equality, Boys, & Men — ON BOYS podcast featuring Richard V. Reeves (which coverrs redshirting boys in school)Erin’s Law — more info on the law that mandates child sexual abuse preventionMark Rober — YouTuber Rob mentioned during our conversationSponsor Spotlight: AvoilaUse code ONBOYS to save 10% when you shop Avoila Nourishing Face Oil Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.comOur Sponsors:* Check out Armoire: armoire.style/ONBOYS* Check out ByHeart and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: byheart.com* Check out Lumen: lumen.me/ONBOYSAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The right hemisphere of your brain is your “wild creature mind,” says Steve Biddulph, the Australian author, psychologist, and family therapist known for his work on parenting and child development (including his seminal book Raising Boys).It is richly connected to our body & memories, including memories that we no longer consciously recall. It communicates with us constantly via bodily sensations, sending us important messages.We can tap into that, and we can help our children tap into that — and, in doing so, help us all realize that “emotions are not the whole story,” Steve says.Try using the phrase “there is something in me” when discussing emotions and the accompanying sensations. There is a big difference between “I am furiously angry” and “There is something in me that is furiously angry.” That linguistic tweaking allows you to gain a bit of separation, to observe and notice your thoughts and sensations. The goal is not to eliminate the feeling or sensation, but to learn from it.Anxiety isn’t something to eliminateAnxiety isn’t necessarily problematic. It’s not a troublesome emotion that needs to be eliminated, Steve says.“Anxiety is your wild creature mind, slashing at the bars, yelling at you,” he says. “Rightly or wrongly, it wants to get your attention about something.” So, when you feel anxiety, pause. Feel where it lives in your body. Try describing those sensations to yourself. Value, rather than dismiss, the sensations and experience of anxiety.Your wild creature mind — the right hemisphere of your brain — is intended to work in conjunction with the left hemisphere of your brain. Yet because our societies have long prioritized rational, logical thinking, many of us have learned to ignore the stirrings of our wild creature mind. Tapping into it will allow us to “walk more slowly through life, love more deeply, and be happy with less,” Steve says. Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:stevebiddulph.com — Steve’s online homeWild Creature Mind: The Neuroscience Breakthrough that Helps You Transform Anxiety and Live a Fiercely Loving Life, by Steve BiddulphFully Human with Raising Boys Author Steve Biddulph — ON BOYS episodeSteve Biddulph on Raising Boys — ON BOYS episode Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com Sponsor Spotlight: LumenUnderstand your metabolism! Go to lumen.me/ONBOYS to save 15% on LumenSponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire: armoire.style/ONBOYS* Check out ByHeart and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: byheart.com* Check out Lumen: lumen.me/ONBOYSAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Boys know that deep friendships are critical to mental health, says Dr. Niobe Way, a developmental psychologists who’s been studying boys for 40 years.But as boys move through their teenage years, many of them — as many as 70-80% — find it difficult to connect with other boys. Why? “Boy culture,” says Dr. Way, author of Rebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, & Our Future, noting that she uses that term to describe the stereotypical “boy” expectations which state that boys & men should be strong & indepedent. And in many cultures, that “boy culture” has spread to the culture at large.“Sucess, manhood, & modernity privilege the need for autonomy, not the need for connection,” Dr. Way says. The message most of us get is that maturity = self-sufficiency.That message may be harming the mental health of all of us, as humans as meant to be inter-dependent.Rebels, Dr. Way says, is not solely about boys & men, but about all of us & the culture in which we live. “Everybody needs relationships, connections, and friendships,” she says.Learning from boys to improve life for us all“We come into the world with natural relational intelligence, and we don’t value it,” Dr. Way says. So, we need to “nurture our 5-year-old capacity to look at each other with wonder, and rather than say, ‘what’s wrong with you?’, to say, ‘what can I learn from you, about you, & also about me?””Dr. Niobe Way says that we in the United States (& many countries) over-attribute boys’ & mens’ behavior to biology. Yes, biology influences & affects male behavior. But culture also plays a critical role — as evidenced by the fact that other cultures throughout the world & history live out male friendships differently.“The reality is that we used to be a very different culture in terms of valuing our ‘hard’ and ‘soft’ sides,” she says.Recognizing the impact of culture frees us up to make necessary changes. Because as a 7th grade boy once told Dr. Way, “When we make things biology, we think we can’t change it.”All humans can be a-holes; all can be compassionate. All have relational intelligence that needs to be nurtured.“Kids do come into the world with different temperments,” Dr. Way says. “We shouldn’t immediately assume that boys who have trouble expressing their feelings are ‘troubled.'” She advises parents to “move past the idea that they [boys] have to express themselves to us,” noting that many kids directly resist parental pressure.Instead, we should help our children develop healthy, mutually-supportive relationships. Start by normalizing the desire to be deeply connected to other people. (Talk about it with your boys!) Engage in a dialogue about relationships — and that may include sharing some info about your own joys & challenges in relationships with fellow humans. Expresse curiosity, rather than judgment.Stop focusing so much time and attention on academics. Help kids build relationships instead.Takeaways:Boys have a strong desire for close friendships and articulate the need for emotional connection and support.Friendships are linked to boys’ mental health and well-being.Boys often struggle to form and maintain deep friendships as they get older, which can lead to a crisis of connection.Boy culture, which devalues emotional expression and connection, plays a significant role in boys’ ability to form and maintain friendships.The findings from boys’ experiences can teach us about the importance of relationships and connection for all individuals, regardless of gender. Boys are capable of deep emotional connections, but may not express themselves as much as girls due to societal expectations.Parents should focus on helping their children develop healthy relationships with others, rather than solely relying on emotional expression towards them.Normalizing the desire for deep connections and valuing children’s curiosity and opinions is crucial for their emotional well-being.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:www.niobe-way.comRebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, & Our Future, by Dr. Niobe WayDeep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships & The Crisis of Connection, by Dr. Niobe WayTogether: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, by (U.S. Surgeon General) Vivek MurthyPink Brain, Blue Brain: How Small Differences Grow Into Troublesome Gaps – and What We Can Do About It, by Dr. Lise EliotWhen Boys Become Boys: Development, Relationships, and Masculinity, by Judy ChuThe Listening ProjectDr. Friendtastic on Boys & Friendship — ON BOYS episodeWhy Now is the Best Time to Raise Boys (w Michael Reichert) — ON BOYS episode Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com Sponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Jen in a fun overall from Armoire  Sponsor Spotlight: LumenUnderstand your metabolism! Go to lumen.me/ONBOYS to save 15% on LumenOur Sponsors:* Check out Armoire: armoire.style/ONBOYS* Check out ByHeart and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: byheart.com* Check out Lumen: lumen.me/ONBOYSAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Circumcision is a decision every boy parent must face – but what’s the truth behind the practice?Let’s break down the facts and dispel the myths.Culture & emotion influence circumcision ratesSurgical removal of the foreskin of the penis is incredibly common in some cultures & very rare in others. In the United States, approximately. 58% of male newborns are circumcised. But rates vary greatly by region – in the Midwest, it’s 74%; on the West coast, it’s 30%. Globally, about 1 in 3 males are circumcised, with great variation across countries and continents. In Australia, the circumcision rate is 27%. In Germany, it’s 11%. Zimbabwe, 9.2%. Italy, 3%. Ireland, 1%. Uganda, 26.7%. “The variation is really accounted for my cultural differences,” says Tim Hammond, executive director of the Genital Autonomy Legal Defense & Education Fund (GALDEF). He notes that circumcision is not recognized as healthcare in many countries — with some countries considering the procedure medically harmful. Myths, misinformation, superstition, and religion are often at the heart of the cultural reasons for circumcision.“What I’ve learned in 35+ years of being involved in this issue is that it really comes down to an emotional decision,” Hammond says.Circumcision isn’t medically necessaryRemoval of the foreskin may confer some health benefits, including a reduced risk of urinary tract infections (UTIS), decreased risk of sexually transmitted infection (STIs), and a decreased risk of penile and cervical cancer.However, there are other, less invasive ways for children to experience the same benefits, without undergoing surgical removal of the foreskin. Excellent hygiene can prevent many UTIs – and oral antibiotic treatment can easily treat UTIs. Consistent use of condoms during sexual activity can decrease the risk of STIs, including human papillomavirus (HPV), the virus that causes penile and cervical cancer. HPV vaccination can also prevent HPV infection.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Genital Autonomy Legal Defense & Education Fund (GALDEF)Circumcision: Where We Stand — American Academy of PediatricsAug. 3 Double Feature Documentary Screening: Nurses of St. Vincent: Saying No to Circumcision and Facing Circumcision: 8 Doctors Tell Their StoriesCircumcision: The Hidden Trauma, by Ronald Goldmandoctorsopposingcircumcision.combeyondthebris.combruchim.onlineSponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.comSponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Jen in one of her favorite Armoire rentalsOur Sponsors:* Check out Armoire: armoire.style/ONBOYS* Check out ByHeart and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: byheart.com* Check out Lumen: lumen.me/ONBOYSAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How do we best support neurodivergent boys?Approximately 12% of boys in the United States have been diagnosed with ADHD. About 3% are on the autism spectrum. 18% of boys have dyslexia. An untold number are gifted – &, of course, many boys are 2e, or twice-exceptional, with more than one of these conditions.Dr. Matt Zakreski was one of those boys. “My backpack always looked like a bomb went off, I always forgot there were tests but could study 3 minutes before the test and get a 92,” says Dr. Matt, author of Neurodiversity Playbook: How Neurodivergent People Can Crack the Code of Living in a Neurotypical World.His obvious-in-hindsight ADHD wasn’t noticed or address until he was in high school.Neurodiversity affects the intellectual, social, and emotional development of neurodivergent boys.”You have have a 10 year-old who’s intellectually 15 but socially, they’re 8,” Dr. Matt says, noting that neurodivergent boys need support both where they’re “ahead” of their similarly aged peesr and where they’re “behind.”Living with & Supporting Neurodivergent Boys“Be curious, not furious,” Dr. Matt advises. Instead of getting mad when your child does (or doesn’t do!) something, get curious. Don’t assume that the child is being defiant, disobedient, or trying to annoy you. Remind yourself, “this child has needs that I don’t necessarily understand right now.” Take some deep breaths or do whatever else you need to do to calm yourself first. Then, get curious: ask your child what’s going on. Listen carefully. You’ll likely learn more about your child & strengthen your relationship.Parenting neurodivergent kids will also include helping kids learn how to manage their attraction to things that feel good in the moment but may be harmful in excess. (Think: screens). Compromise — and demonstrating understanding & empathy for your kid’s interests and goals — can help.Neurodivergent-friendly environments are crucial for the success and well-being of neurodivergent children. You are not impairing their ability to cope or function in the broader world by considering your son’s unique needs.“Resiliency is not just working harder,” Dr. Matt says. “You build resiliency fastest and most generalizable through the things you like to do the most.” Giving boys plenty of opportunities to pursue the activities and problems that interest them also gives them opportunities to develop intellectually, socially, and emotionally.Takeaways:Neurodivergent individuals have unique brains that develop asynchronously, with strengths in certain areas and challenges in othersUnderstanding and supporting neurodivergent children requires looking beyond academics and considering their social, emotional, and developmental needsParenting neurodivergent children involves being curious, not furious, and finding compromises that meet both the child’s needs and the parent’s boundariesSetting reasonable limits on screen time and using a third-door solution approach can help navigate conflicts around technology usePsychoeducation, explaining how a child’s brain works and why certain behaviors occur, can empower children and reduce self-blame. Neurodivergent boys often struggle with self-regulation and may exhibit behaviors that are coping strategiesProviding neurodivergent boys with a customized playbook of coping strategies can help them manage their emotions and impulsesNeurodivergent-friendly environments, such as schools and activities, are crucial for the success and well-being of neurodivergent boysIt is important to fight against gender stereotypes and embrace the unique strengths and interests of neurodivergent boysLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Neurodiversity Playbook: How Neurodivergent People Can Crack the Code of Living in a Neurotypical World, by Dr. Matt Zakreskiwww.drmattzakreski.comBuilding Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males, by JenSponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com  Sponsor Spotlight: LumenUnderstand your metabolism! Go to lumen.me/ONBOYS to save 15% on Lumen  Sponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Jen in one of her favorite Armoire rentalsOur Sponsors:* Check out Armoire: armoire.style/ONBOYS* Check out ByHeart and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: byheart.com* Check out Lumen: lumen.me/ONBOYSAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

To connect with boys, you must first listen, says Jonathon Reed, program manager for NextGenMen.Societal expectations of boys & men are gradually shifting. These shifting narratives are part of why it’s so important for adults to listen to boys. Adults’ interpretation and understanding of situations and interactions doesn’t necessarily reflect boys’ complex experiences, and neither does our language or approach.“We’ve got to look to them as the leaders in this conversation,” Reed says.Approach with CuriosityTeens (and humans of all ages) tend to shut down and stop listening to people who don’t seem to be listening. By adolescence, most boys know that the world isn’t simply black or white; they’re ready to explore the grey. If you want to connect you boys, approach conversations with curiosity.“Curiosity lays the possibility for an impactful conversation,” Reed says. Then, listen. Don’t dismiss what boys are telling you; dwell on the awkwardness they share and express.Remember, too, that boys won’t necessarily tell you about their problems. “If boys are struggling, often they’re struggling in silence,” Reed says. “There’s still a stigma against asking for help, particularly when it also means admitting a weakness or a vulnerability.” Create a sense of safety to connect with boys.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:NextGenMen websiteRaising Next Gen Men — ON BOYS episodeBreaking the Boy Code — ON BOYS episodeTeen Boys Emotional Lives — ON BOYS episodeCreating Consent Culture: A Handbook for Educators, by Marcia Baczynski and Erica ScottBoys & Sex with Peggy Orenstein — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com  Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & DollopNatural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!Our Sponsors:* Check out ByHeart and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: byheart.com* Check out Lumen: lumen.me/ONBOYSAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Dr. Lisa Damour says that adults should consider the barriers boys face when it comes to emotional connection and expression. "Gender is such a huge force in how emotion is expressed, and perhaps even in how emotion is experienced," says Dr. Damour. "If a boy doesn’t feel that he has permission to let people know he’s hurting, it’s a good bet that he will discharge his unwanted emotions by acting out."To Connect with Teens, Learn About Their EmotionsDr. Damour served as an advisor on one of this summer's most popular films, Inside Out 2. (Haven't seen it yet? Go! It'll give you great insight into what's going on inside the brain of your teen.)Boys may restrict their emotional expression due to societal pressures and gender norms. Dr. Damour highlights the stark contrast between the emotional expression allowed for girls and boys in our culture. Girls, she says, generally have a "wide emotional highway" to express a range of emotions, while boys are restricted to a "two-lane highway." And while it’s natural for humans to cry, boys who do so often face ridicule and social pressure, especially in environments like school.Dr. Damour suggests that parents and educators can help boys by creating spaces for physical and alternative forms of emotional expression. Unlike the cultural preference for verbal expressions of emotion, many boys and men (and some girls, women, and nonbinary individuals) find relief through physical activities. Activities like shooting basketball hoops, running laps, or even banging on an old filing cabinet can be effective ways to discharge and process emotions."If it brings relief and does no harm, it’s a good coping strategy," Dr. Damour says. Additionally, music can be a powerful tool for many boys to express and regulate their emotions.Practical Steps for ParentsTo connect better with teenage boys and support their emotional development, parents can:Create Safe Spaces for Emotional Expression: Encourage physical activities that help boys process their emotions. Sports, music, or even creative projects can provide an outlet for their feelings.Acknowledge and Respect Gender Norms: Understand the societal pressures boys face and offer support without reinforcing harmful stereotypes. Validate their feelings and encourage healthy expression.Set Clear Expectations: While understanding the pressures boys face, maintain clear expectations for respectful and kind behavior. Teach boys that while it's okay to feel anger or frustration, it's not okay to express these emotions through harmful actions.Model Emotional Intelligence: Show boys how to handle emotions by modeling emotional intelligence in your behavior. Demonstrate how to talk about feelings and handle stress constructively.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:drlisadamour.com – Lisa’s websiteThe Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents — Lisa’s latest book (get the free parent discussion guide here)Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting  – podcast hosted by Lisa Damour & Reena NinanTeen Boys’ Emotional Lives — ON BOYS episodeManaging Emotions — ON BOYS episodeNonverbal Communication with Boys — ON BOYS episode Sponsor Spotlight: LumenUnderstand your metabolism! Go to lumen.me/ONBOYS to save 15% on Lumen  Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & DollopNatural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!Our Sponsors:* Check out Lumen: lumen.me/ONBOYSAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Brendan Kwiatkowski knows that connecting with teenage boys requires understanding, patience, and a willingness to create a safe emotional space.Kwiatkowski, PhD, a renowned researcher specializing in boys’ emotions, experiences, and masculinities, says that teen boys “assume most people don’t want to hear about their negative emotions.”Helping Boys Express Their EmotionsOne of the key factors in a boy’s ability to express his emotions is his parents’ response to his distress. If a boy knows that his anger, sadness, or frustration will upset his parents’ equilibrium, he is more likely to stifle his emotions. On the other hand, if he feels that his parents will respond with calm compassion, he is more likely to share his feelings honestly.It’s important for parents to create a supportive environment where their sons feel safe to express themselves. This means responding to their emotions without judgment or immediate solutions, simply listening and validating their feelings. Don’t fret if you don’t always respond perfectly. It’s okay to miss the mark sometimes. Research has shown that parents can miss the mark 70% of the time and still raise well-adjusted children, as long as they apologize and strive to make things right when they falter.Encouraging Teen Boys to TalkInterestingly, Kwiatkowski’s research shows that teenage boys are often most comfortable opening up to women. Therefore, moms have a unique opportunity to foster a deeper connection with their sons by being approachable and supportive listeners.Modeling authenticity and vulnerability is another powerful way to encourage boys to open up. Kwiatkowski emphasizes the importance of being genuine and honest with your own emotions. “I never would expect a teenage boy to be honest with me if I’m not demonstrating that myself,” he says. Acknowledging the contradictions and tensions in being a boy or man and discussing these openly can help create a more trusting and open dialogue.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:remasculine.com — Brendan’s websiteRe: Masculine — Brenda’s album about masculinityHold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Matter More Than Peers, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate — book recommended by Brendan KwiatkowskiWhat You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide (w Katey McPherson) — ON BOYS episode Sponsor Spotlight: LumenUnderstand your metabolism! Go to lumen.me/ONBOYS to save 15% on Lumen  Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & DollopNatural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!Our Sponsors:* Check out Lumen: lumen.me/ONBOYSAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Teacher Tom says “kids haven’t changed at all” over recent decades.“Kids still need freedom to play, to follow their own curiosity,to ask and answer questions,and to learn how to get along with other people,” he says.Nurturing Kids & Building ConnectionsThe first five years of a child’s life “should be about how to live with these complicated things called emotions,” Tom says.Children also need time and space to navigate emotions and social interactions. But “too often, we step in too soon,” Tom says. When adults hear bickering, arguing, or tears, they frequently step in and problem solve for the kids — which can adversely affect child development.“We rob them of the chance to learn that basic skill of self-governance and self-control,” Tom says. Give the kids time. Left to their own devices, kids often come up with innovative solutions.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Teacher Tom — Tom’s blogTeacher Tom’s World — includes links to Teacher Tom’s courses, books, & speaking eventsTeacher Tom’s Facebook pageTeacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotions, & Play — ON BOYS episodeThe Gardener & the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents & Children, by Alison Gopnik — book mentioned by Teacher TomThe Link Between Freedom & Video Games — BuildingBoys postWhy You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys’ Bickering — BuildingBoys postSapiens: A Brief History of Humankind, by Yuval Harari — book mentioned by Teacher Tom Sponsor Spotlight: LumenUnderstand your metabolism! Go to lumen.me/ONBOYS to save 15% on Lumen  Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & DollopNatural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!Our Sponsors:* Check out Lumen: lumen.me/ONBOYSAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Women are America’s safety net. Women provide the vast majority of child and elder care and care for the disabled. Women do the bulk of home- and community-tending, and they create and reinforce the ties that bind us together. Most of that labor is unpaid — and the little that is paid is typically poorly compensated.This imbalance is clearly problematic for women, who are often exhausted and overworked. But it’s also a problem for boys, men, girls, and, well, everyone. If we don’t talk about this imbalance, our sons will grow up in a system that still devalues care work. They’ll see women, predominantly, as caregivers, and may conclude – incorrectly – that they’re not capable of childcare or elder care. Others may also assume that our boys and men aren’t capable of care.How Our DIY Society Tricked Us AllOther countries use social safety nets to manage risk, says sociologist Jessica Calarco, author of Holding It Together: How Women Became America’s Safety Net. In contrast, the US “tries to DIY society,” Calarco says, essentially telling people “that if they just make the right choices for their kids and families, then they won’t actually need any support.”That’s a lie, though. We all need help and support at various time throughout life. But “women’s unpaid and underpaid labor is maintaining this illusion that we can get by without a social safety net” in the United States, she says.Busting Gender StereotypesFrom the time girls are old enough to hold a baby doll, we’re training them to be mothers. We don’t do the same for boys, at least not on a society-wide scale.“Boys are often denied the opportunity to learn to be caregivers,” Calarco notes.Despite the ubiquity of the Mars/Venus myth, which suggests that females are better suited to caregiving than males, there’s no solid scientific evidence to back up that assertion. “If anything, much of what we perceive as these innate gender differences roots back to early socialization,” Calarco says. “Even as young as infancy, adults treat babies differently if they perceive it to be a girl versus if they perceive it to be a boy.”Research shows that the more caregiving experience an individual has, the more that person’s body will respond physiologically — by pumping out hormones like oxytocin — to caregiving activities. “This happens for both men and women,” Calarco says. “The more experience you have in caregiving capacities, the better at it you get.”But while parents (and society at large) are now widely supportive of girls who bend traditional gender boundaries, they are much less comfortable with boys who bend and challenge gender stereotypes. Many parents (and grandparents) still aren’t comfortable giving boys dolls or letting them play house.“This is a place where we can intervene,” Calarco says. “We can hold up examples of kids and adults pushing back against these boundaries and binaries. We can let them know ‘there’s many, many different ways to be a girl and many different ways to be a boy.’ And I think the more that we can encourage that kind of gender flexibility for both our boys and our girls, the better off they will be.” Takeaways:Women are the safety net of America, providing unpaid and underpaid labor that holds everything togetherSystemic issues affect boys and familiesDevaluation of care work impacts societal perceptions of caregiving rolesHow neoliberalism and the myth of individualistic success have led to the exploitation of women’s laborThe Mars/Venus myth perpetuates gender stereotypes and societal attitudes that devalue caregiving and reinforce gender hierarchiesFundamental shifts in societal attitudes and policies are necessary to address systemic issues and create a more equitable societyChange begins at home, with the need to challenge gender roles and encourage caregiving experiences for both boys and girlsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Holding It Together: How Women Became America’s Safety Net — Jessica’s bookKate Mangino on Teaching Boys to Be Equal Partners — ON BOYS podcastNursing, Boys, & Gender Stereotypes — 4-15-24 Building Boys BulletinSponsor Spotlight: Dabble & DollopNatural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!Sponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire: armoire.style/ONBOYSAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Like most moms, Jaimie Kelton has “so many thoughts & fears on raising a boy.”“I question myself constantly,” says Jamie, host of The Queer Family podcast and mom to two children, a 10-year-old daughter & a 6-year-old son. She knows that gender is a social construct — and also knows that gender stereotypes are extremely powerful and prevalent. When she was pregnant with her son, Jamie says, she worried that she wouldn’t be able to connect with him.In this episode, Jaimie shares her journey and thoughts on raising a boy within a society that holds strong gender stereotypes, while also highlighting the unique challenges and joys faced by queer families.Key Topics:Parenting Fears & Self-Doubt: Jaimie opens up about the common fears and constant self-questioning she experiences as a mom. Despite her awareness that gender is a social construct, she acknowledges the pervasive influence of gender stereotypes in society.Facing Stereotypes: While Jaimie and her wife offer their son a variety of toys and activities, he gravitates towards traditionally “boy” interests such as cars, trucks, planes, and the color blue.Support & Acceptance: Jaimie discusses the importance of supporting children in becoming their true selves. She emphasizes the need to parent the child you have, not the one you envisioned.Intentional Parenting: As part of a queer family, Jaimie highlights the intentionality required in their parenting journey. From conception to daily life, every step is deliberate and meaningful.Challenging Norms: Facing societal prejudice, including attempts to ban books featuring families like hers, queer families must continually think outside the box. Often, they discover joy in creating a unique lives that defy conventional paths.Encouragement for Other Parents: Jaimie underscores the idea that joy and fulfillment can be found by embracing one’s unique family structure and parenting style.Memorable Quotes:“We want our kids to feel free to be who they are.”“We’re really good at thinking outside the box because we don’t fit the normal path.”“These are the most intentional parents. There’s no accidents in how we make a family.”Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:The Queer Family podcast — Jaime’s podcastSupporting LGBTQ+ Kids — ON BOYS episodeUnderstanding Gender with Dr. Alex Iantaffi — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire: armoire.style/ONBOYSAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Child psychologist Emily Edlynn says a healthier approach to tech is good for the whole family. As she wrote in her Substack newsletter, the currently popular shame-blame-restrict approach to social media, screens, and gaming isn’t working particularly well. Emily sas:Parents’ hyper-focus on screen time, gaming, or phones can have more negative effects than the technologies on their own. Parents can become so fixated on maintaining the limits that the fixation itself causes a child’s or teen’s frustration and subsequent distancing from their parents.Social Media, Video Games, & Phones Aren’t the Cause of Mental Health ProblemsContrary to popular belief, smartphone and screens are not solely responsible for the current mental health crisis.“I’m always skeptical is there’s a straight line drawn from any one thing to mental health,” Emily says. “That’s not how mental health works. It’s very complex, nuanced, layered, and full of contributing factors.” In fact, tech overuse can be a symptom, not a cause of mental health problems.“It’s really important not to blame the tech but to get under it & explore what’s going on,” Emily says.So, parents: take a breath. Giving your child a smartphone does not doom them to anxiety or depression. It is much healthier to step away from the fear and approach technology as a tool.“When parents take more of a mentorship approach to online activity and social media, the kids do better with it,” Emily says.Fighting About Tech Isn’t Helpful. Here’s a Healthier Approach to Tech.Parents and children often have vastly different views of (& goals for) technology. These differing views often come into conflict. And in many cases, that escalates into a problem.“The conflict around technology can cause more harm than the technology itself,” Emily explains. Kids may feel misunderstood, alienated, and not trusted. And parental guilt and stress around technology is harming both parents & kids.Although it may not seem like it during the tween & teenage years, our kids want to be connected with us. When they don’t feel connected to us due to high and constant conflict, they suffer (often, in ways we can’t see).Focus on the connection with your child instead of focusing on the tech.Photo by Photo by KoolShooters via PexelsTakeaways:Parents should focus on balance and individualized approaches to technology use rather than blaming technology for mental health issues.Open dialogue and empathy are key in discussing technology use with children and teenagers.Technology can be addictive, and it is important to develop critical thinking skills and awareness of its impact.The goal is to raise children who have a good internal sense of balance and can make healthy choices in the digital world.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children, by Emily Edlynnwww.emilyedlynnphd.com — Emily’s websiteThe Art & Science of Mom — Emily’s Substack (Be sure to check out Fortnite Creep)Fortnite is Not a Waste of Time — Building Boys postAutonomy-Supportive Parenting — ON BOYS episode featuring EmilyHow Our Feelings About Technology Affect Our Kids — newsletter by Melinda Wenner-Moyer (mentioned by Emily)Melinda Wenner Moyer: Raising Boys Who Aren’t Assholes — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire: armoire.style/ONBOYS* Check out undefined and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: undefinedAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Dr. Adam Price’s book, He’s Not Lazy, is one that parents of teenage boys frequently recommend to each other.There’s good reason for that: He’s Not Lazy: Empowering Your Son to Believe in Himself addresses parents’ fears and concerns about their “unmotivated,” “under-performing” teenage sons.Stop Worrying About Your BoysFear is usually at the heart of parents’ concern about their sons’ apparent lack of motivation. We know how important persistence and effort are to success and happiness in life, and we worry that our teenage sons will fail. But our worry is misplaced — and unhelpful, Dr. Price says.“It’s imperative that you stop worrying,” he says, noting that “it’s the worrying that often causes us to make the wrong decisions in parenting.”Don’t project into the future, he says. Focus on the here and now. Connect with your son; trust in his development.Motivating BoysHuman beings are motivated to do the things we want to do. We are not necessarily motivated to do things we have to do.That truth applies to our boys as well – & explains why so many boys are “unmotivated” to do their homework or chores. To get boys to do things, we need to give them more autonomy. And we need to let them experience consequences and emotions.Too often, parents take on all the emotional and psychological labor related to boys’ performance in school. “We end up absorbing like a sponge all the negative feelings: You’re not going to do well. You’re not going to get into college,” Dr. Prica says. “What that actually does is free kids up to not worry about it because they know that we’re worrying about it.”It’s better to let kids feel that conflict and struggle, to allow them space to worry about their future. Their concern for their future will motivate them in a way your concern never will.Do NOT say, “you’re not living up to your potential.”“When you tell someone, ‘You’re not living up to your potential,” you’re telling them, ‘You’re not good enough,'” Dr. Price says. Instead, focus on connecting with and empowering your son. Give him autonomy and continued support. Set limits, establish structure, and be patient. Give him the opportunity to grow and mature.Takeaways:Parents should try to stop worrying excessively about their underperforming teenage boys and trust in their growth and development.Teenagers are still young and have a lot of time for growth and change.Motivation comes from doing things one wants to do, not things one has to do.Parents should allow their sons to experience the consequences of their decisions and not shield them from negative feelings.Recognize and value different forms of achievement, including skills in video games.Parents should praise the process and effort rather than just the end result.Gender expectations and societal pressures can influence boys’ motivation and self-esteem. Challenge negative assumptions about boys’ motivation and behavior.Set realistic expectations and give kids the opportunity to take responsibility for their actions.Recognize that development takes time and maturity may happen at different rates.Trust the relationship with your child and focus on building a positive and supportive environment.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:He’s Not Lazy: Empowering Your Son to Believe in Himself, by Adam Pricehesnotlazy.com — Adam’s websiteListener Q & A:Getting Curious & Motivating Boys — ON BOYS episodeMaggie Dent on How to Motivate Boys — ON BOYS episodeTrust Your Boys — Building Boys blog post Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & DollopNatural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!Sponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Jen in an Armoire dressOur Sponsors:* Check out Armoire: armoire.style/ONBOYS* Check out undefined and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: undefinedAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

BoyMom Ruth Whippman has spent significant time reimagining boyhood.As a mom of 3 boys, she knows that raising boys today is a complex endeavor. As she writes in her book, BOYMOM: Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity, “Boys in America (and worldwide) are going through something of a crisis – not only academically but they make up the majority of perpetrators AND also the majority of victims and they are more likely than girls to engage in serious antisocial behavior, along with having mental health issues reaching epidemic levels…Understanding where we are going wrong with raising boys and trying to change those patterns is one of our most urgent cultural projects as a society.“This is a half-finished revolution.” The #MeToo Movement, Boys, & MenRuth was 8 1/2 months pregnant with her 3rd son when the #MeToo movement gained global traction.“That moment was a really complex moment for me,” she says. “On the one hand, my feminist self was like, Great! we’re finally talking about boys & men in a whole new way; we’re finally seeing this is a systemic problem…. But as a mother of boys, it was really complicated because there was this very negative conversation going on about boys and men, which I don’t think is particularly psychologically healthy for boys to grow up hearing.”It’s important to recognize and address all of the issues that lead to some men behaving badly, but, she says, it’s important to also “give boys a more hopeful vision.” Focusing on what’s wrong with boys and men won’t likely solve anything & may instead alienate and harm boys & men.Cultural Blind SpotsLike many women, Ruth was well aware of the all ways in which gender & sex shape (& limit) females’ experiences in the world. But she didn’t understand that boys are affected by similar pressures. Until she had sons.We “have so many blind spots around raising boys,” she says. And while our society has made great strides in encouraging girls, women, nonbinary, and genderfluid humans, cis boys are still hemmed in by cultural expectations and stereotypes. In our current cultural moment, conversations about boys frequently focus on their potential to cause harm.That’s problematic, Ruth says.“I want my boys to have a narrative about themselves that’s rooted in something other than harm and violence,” she says. “I don’t want their story to just be ‘I’m this potential predator and the best that I can hope for my life is that I won’t rape anybody.‘ I want them to also be able to thrive and find pride, joy, and connection.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Ruth discuss:Parenting boys as a feministWhy politicizing boys’ issues isn’t helpful – & why we need to listen to diverse viewpointsSeeing boys as more than potential predatorsBoys & schoolMale developmentHow “undercare” harms boysThe stories we share w boysBoys’ friendshipsListening to boysThe “contradictory pressures” on boysLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:BOYMOM: Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity — Ruth’s bookruthwhippman.com — Ruth’s website (includes links to her upcoming events)I Blame Society — Ruth’s Substack newsletterMasculinity in the Land of #MeToo — ON BOYS episodeMen are Not Monsters – 2015 essay by JenSponsor Spotlight: Dabble & DollopNatural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!Sponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.comOur Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: www.armoire.style* Check out undefined and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: undefinedAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:The end of an era (Jen’s last son finishes high school!)What Jen will NOT miss about having a kid a schoolHow parenting is like labor & birthTransactional vs. relational communicationLetting boys take control of aspects of their lifeRebuilding trustApologizing to your kidsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers — ON BOYS episodeWhy Boy Moms Need Mentors Too — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Dabble & DollopNatural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!Sponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: www.armoire.style* Check out undefined and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: undefinedAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

If you think you don’t know anybody who takes opioids, have you asked?Those are the words of Julia Pinksy, an Oregon-based mom who lost her son to an opioid overdose.“It’s been 10 years since he passed,” she says,”which seems unbelievable.”In the years since, Julia has devoted herself to opioid overdose education and prevention. Today, she teaches others about opioids & Narcan.Opioid Addiction Can Affect AnyoneOpioids don’t discriminate. Although some people may be more biologically or psychologcially susceptible to addition than others, anyone can become addicted.“Anyone — it doesn’t matter how intelligent, how educated, how knowledgable about drugs you are — it doesn’t stop your body or mind from becoming reliant on it,” Julia says.Narcan Saves LivesNaloxone (better known as Narcan) can immediately reverse the effects of opioids – & save lives. That’s why Julia thinks that every parent should have – & learn how to use — naloxone. It’s also a good idea to teach your kids how to use it. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Julia discuss:Why all parents need to know about opioids & narcanWhy some people are so susceptiable to opioid addictionAppropriate management of prescription opioid medicationHow Narcan worksSigns of an opioid overdoseHow to administer naloxone Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Max’s Mission – non-profit organization dedicated to overdose education & preventionReal Talk About Fentanyl, Opioids, & Marijuana — ON BOYS episode Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com Sponsor Spotlight: WinonaMenopause care made easy!Visit bywinona.com/onboys & use code ONBOYS to get 25% your first order.Sponsor Spotlight: EZ MeltsGet a FREE 3-month supply of D3 w your 1st purchase at try.ezmelts.com/onboysSponsor Spotlight: Dabble & DollopNatural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!Sponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: www.armoire.style* Check out undefined and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: undefinedAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Boys don’t do as well in school as girls. On the whole, they earn lower grades and more disciplinary referrals. You will typically find more boys in detention than at the top of the class.Are boys the problem? Is there something about masculinity, something about male biology that contributes to these disparate outcomes? Or, are schools the problem? Does the curriculum and environment somehow inhibit boys’ success?Yes. Boys mature more slowly than their female peers, so they’re generally not as well-equipped for the challenges of school as their similarly-aged female peers. Current masculinity standards also ridicule academic achievement or effort and make it difficult for boys to ask for help. And, most school curriculum and practices don’t align well with boys’ needs.In far too many cases, though, adults make things worse rather than better for boys in school. Adult misunderstanding of male development, coupled with intrinsic bias (and intensified by the fact that educators are now being asked to do too many things, with too few resources & too little support), causes many adults to inadvertently exacerbate boys’ problems. And that’s a problem for all of us.Photo by Mikhail Nilov via PexelsIn this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:Why boys struggle in schoolHow adults unintentially exacerabate boys’ problemsSetting boys up for school success (Choose a play-oriented preschool instead of an academically-oriented one!)Meeting boys’ needs in schoolLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:When Your Kid is the Classroom Problem Child — The Cut articleWhy Are Kids Being Forced to Eat Lunch in Silence? — Guardian articleSchools — Not Boys — Behaving Badly — Jen’s Building Boys Bulletin about both these articlesBoys & School — Building Boys post about the black walnut incidentMoving Into the Red: Boys & Education — article by Jen about her son’s kindergarten experienceGifted & Twice-Exception (2E) Boys — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: My Life in a BookSponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Sponsor Spotlight: WinonaMenopause care made easy!Visit bywinona.com/onboys & use code ONBOYS to get 25% your first order.Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com Sponsor Spotlight: EZ MeltsGet a FREE 3-month supply of D3 w your 1st purchase at try.ezmelts.com/onboysOur Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: www.armoire.style* Check out My Life in a Book and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: * Check out undefined and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: undefinedAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Sextortion disproportionately affects boys.Between October 2021 & March 2023, the FBI & Homeland Security Investigation received more than 13,000 reports of online sextortion of minors. Most of the victims were boys. At least 20 boys have already died by suicide after experiencing sextortion.The FBI is so concerned about these trends that they reached out to ON BOYS podcast. Agents are working to shutdown sextorionists, but they know that parents play a key role in keeping boys safe too.“This trend of targeting boys for financial sextortion — where photos are taken or provided by the boy and then used to extort them for funds, under the impression that they will be shared online — is a scheme that seems to have emerged in the last few years,” says Chris Crocker, Acting Special Agent in Charge of the FBI St. Louis division.Protecting Boys From SextortionBoys ages 14-17 seem to be the primary targets. Sextortionists connect with boys via online platforms (including gaming sites and social media; they often represent themselves as attractive teenage girls, show a lot of interest, perhaps share a sexy photo of “themselves,” and then ask the boy to reciprocate. When he does, they threaten to share the image unless the boy sends them money.“The boys we’ve seen fall for these schemes are not dumb kids. They’re not kids that were necessarily obviously at any sort of risk. They’re good kids, good students, athletes, model kids, the kind of boys you would want your son to grow up to be,” Chris says. “These are not bad kids; these are good kids who make poor decisions. Every person is susceptible to doing that from time to time.”Talk to your boys about sextortion, so they will talk to you if it occurs to them (or a friend). Make sure they know that you will help them, not yell at them or punish them.“It is very important for parents to constantly reassure their children that they can come to them with something like this. Building that trust with your child is really important to avoiding these things – maybe not from occurring ever, but from reaching the worst possible outcome,” Chris says.”This is a really complex issue and there’s no easy way to handle it, but spreading awareness will prevent more of these outcomes.”Chris Crocker, Acting Special Agent in Charge of the FBI St. Louis DivisionTo Report Sextortion:To contact the FBI, dial 1-800-CALL-FBI or use tips.fbi.gov to provide information online.The FBI’s partner at the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children provides guidance on how to remove nude photos online that were taken before a person was 18 years old: https://takeitdown.ncmec.org/In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Chris discuss:What sextortion isWhy boys are often victimsHow to talk to boys about sextortionWhat to do if someone is experiencing sextortionWhat happens when your report sextortionWhat social media sites are doing to combat sextortionLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Sextortion: A Growing Threat Preying on Our Nation’s TeensA Teen’s Death in a Small Michigan Town Led the FBI & Police to an Online Sexual Extortion SchemeThis Boy’s Story Highlights Why Instagram’s Taking a New Stance on DMsInstagram to Crack Down on Teen SextortionMaggie Dent: What Teenage Boys Really Need — ON BOYS episodeTalk with Boys Like a PRO (about anything & everything!) — Jen & Janet’s upcoming course (starts May 7, 2024)Sponsor Spotlight: EZ MeltsGet a FREE 3-month supply of D3 w your 1st purchase at try.ezmelts.com/onboysSponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.comSponsor Spotlight: My Life in a BookOur Sponsors:* Check out My Life in a Book and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: * Check out undefined and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: undefinedAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Protein, creatine, & performance enhancing drugs are common in boy world.In fact, most teen boys experiment with them at some point. Approximately 80% of teenage boys say they’ve used a protein supplement within the last 12 months, says Kyle Ganson, an assistant professor who researches boys and body image.“There’s a very broad list of performance enhancers, including dietary supplements and other substances that are perfectly legal and readily available to young people,” Kyle says. These substances are “purported to help you with your performance, with building strength, and with your appearance, but there’s not a lot of research on them and a lot of nuance to them.”Whether they’re looking for this info or not, boys are likely to encounter it online. There are a plethora of social media influencers who hawk supplements and explicitly discuss their workout routines, nutrition, and dietary supplements. Not all of that information is accurate. In many cases, these influencers gain financially when they promote supplements.Understanding boys’ motivation to use these substances is key to supporting them. An abstinence-only approach isn’t likely to work — and not necessary, in most cases, Kyle says. It’s better to engage boys in conversation and help them meet their goals.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kyle discuss:Protein supplements, creatine, amino acids, pre-workout supplements, & energy drinksSteroids & synthetic hormones, including testosteroneHow media influences (& creates) unrealistic body image ideals for boysWhy boys use performance enhancing supplementsHelping boys find accurate informationTypical paths to supplement useTalking to boys about performance enhancing substancesMasculine norms & muscle-building behaviorsRegulation (& lack of regulation!) of supplements & performance enhancing drugsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) & Muscle Dysmorphia — previous ON BOYS episode w KyleBoys & Body Image – ON BOYS episodeZac Efron Admits Bulking Up for Baywatch “Messed” Him UpRob McElhenney from “Always Sunny” Reveals How He Got So RippedSafety Reporting Portal — site consumers can use to report adverse eventsSponsor Spotlight: My Life in a BookSponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off  Sponsor Spotlight: WinonaMenopause care made easy!Visit bywinona.com/onboys & use code ONBOYS to get 25% your first order.Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.com Sponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.armoire.style* Check out Homethreads and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: www.homethreads.com* Check out My Life in a Book and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: * Check out undefined and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: undefinedAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Advocating for boys is one way to help boys and men thrive.At present, there are no governmental commissions working on behalf of boys and men in the United States. Not at the federal level & not at the state level. Even though boys lag behind girls in academic achievement and boys & men experience suicide, murder, drug & alcohol addiction, homelessness, incarceration, & early death at disproportionately high rates. And even though there are multiple commissions dedicated to addressing & advancing the needs of girls and women.Blair Daly, founder of the Washington Initiative for Boys & Men (WIBM) is working to change that.“The male population, I think, can be described as an under-advocated-for population group,” Blair says. “There’s very little organized advocacy.”That’s why he created WIBM, which combines advocacy journalism and grassroots political action to draw attention to the unique needs of boys and men in Washington state. As a result, Washington state may become the first state in the US to establish a Commission on Boys & Men.“Without a focus on the male population, we think a lot is being missed,” Blair says. Advocacy is necessary to focus attention on (& find solutions for) issues that disproportionately harm boys & men.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Blair discuss:Why boys need advocacyChallenges in advocating for boys & menDeveloping and demonstrating diverse support for boysHow to talk about boys’ issuesThe power of local advocacyWhy moms of boys are such great advocates for boysHow to start advocating for boysLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Washington Initiative for Boys & Men7 Democrats, 7 Republicans Sponsor 2024 Commission on Boys & Men Legislation — article highlighting the diverse support for a WA Commission on Boys & MenUpdated one-pager about WA legislation to develop a Commission on Boys & MenWhat is the Washington Initiative for Boys & Men? Blair Daly Explains — YouTube videoBoys Moms as Boy Advocates — ON BOYS episode featuring Gemma Gaudette50/50 Shared Parenting — ON BOYS episodeReal Talk about Fentanyl, Opioids, & Marijuana — ON BOYS episodeTalk with Boys Like a PRO (about anything & everything!) — Jen & Janet’s upcoming course (starts May 7, 2024)Sponsor Spotlight: My Life in a BookSponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.comSponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.armoire.style* Check out Homethreads and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: www.homethreads.com* Check out My Life in a Book and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: * Check out undefined and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: undefinedAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Gifted & twice-exceptional boys often struggle in school, despite their intelligence & talents.In fact, boys who are gifted or twice-exceptional (which means they are gifted & have a learning disability) are considered “problem kids.” Teachers (and other adults) may make boredom as lack of focus, or assume that poor grades indicate lack of intelligence. For many 2E boys, their learning disabilities overshadow their giftedness; for others, their giftedness hides their learning disabilities, says Deborah (Deb) Gennarelli, a gifted education specialist who is also the author of Twice-Exceptional Boys: A Roadmap to Getting it Right. Intensity is part of giftedness — a part that frequently presents challenges for gifted & 2E boys. “Intensity is treated different in boys than in girls in this culture,” Deb says. Teachers & parents may punish or try to “fix” boys’ intensity, which typically only creates more problems.Gifted & 2E boys need support to thrive. “We can’t ignore the fact that students that have high intelligence look at things in different ways, behave in different ways, learn in different ways,” Deb says. “With the right support, these boys can go from surviving to thriving.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Deb discuss:Myths & misconceptions about gifted & 2E boysSpecial challenges for gifted & 2E boysWhy many smart boys struggle in schoolAdvocating for gifted & 2E boysParenting gifted & 2E boysLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Twice-Exceptional Boys: A Roadmap to Getting it Right, by Deborah Gennarelli, M.Ed.www.deborahgennarelli.com — Deb’s websiteTwice-Exceptional Boys (w Ramsey Hootman) — ON BOYS episodeWhen Your Kid is the Classroom Problem Child — heartbreaking The Cut article about a 2E boyTwice Exceptional Students — info from the National Association for Gifted ChildrenTwice Exceptional — classic Building Boys postTalk with Boys Like a PRO (about anything & everything!) — Jen & Janet’s upcoming course (starts May 7, 2024)Sponsor Spotlight: My Life in a BookSponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.comSponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsMake your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.Sponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Jen’s Feb. Armoire haulOur Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.armoire.style* Check out Factor and use my code onboys50 for a great deal: www.factor75.com* Check out Homethreads and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: www.homethreads.com* Check out My Life in a Book and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: * Check out undefined and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: undefinedAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Like it or not, fentanyl, other opioids, and marijuana are part of our boys’ world.“It is very easy to get drugs on social media,” says Michelle Leopold, a mother who’s son, Trevor, died after taking a pill he purchase online.Ignoring these uncomfortable fact isn’t helpful. We have to educate ourselves and educate our boys. Here’s why:Marijuana harms young brainsToday’s marijuana and marijuana-based products are far stronger than those of the past.“It’s so important to learn about today’s marijuana,”Michelle says. Although marijuana and THC products are now legal in many states, study after study has shown that these products are not safe for developing brains.Fentanyl killsIn 2019, Trevor, age 18, swallowed a blue pill he thought was oxycodone. It wasn’t.Despite its markings, there was no oxycodone in the pill. The pill Trevor purchased was a counterfeit pill, & it contained fentanyl, a narcotic that’s 100 times more powerful than morphine, 50 times more powerful than heroin—and lethal at just a few grains.Trevor didn’t get high; Trevor died.According to the US. Dept of Justice, over 150 people die every day from overdoses related to synthetic opioids like fentanyl. As many as 7 in 10 counterfeit pills — pills sold online & purported to be oxycodone or other “prescription” meds — may now contain a lethal dose of fentanyl.“People now need to assume that any drug they don’t get from their pharmacist has fentanyl in it,” Michelle says. “The odds are not in your favor.”“I am going to use Trevor’s story to prevent other parents from losing their children.” — Michelle LeopoldIn this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michelle discuss:How marijuana can affect teens & familiesRecognizing signs of drug useCannabinoid hyperemesis syndromeParenting a child who is using substancesJust Say KNOW vs. Just Say NoWhere teens and young adults are getting drugs & pillsGetting & using naloxone (Narcan)Recognizing & responding to an overdoseLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Marijuana to Fentanyl: My Son is More Than a Statistic — post by Michellewww.wearenotalone.community — Michelle’s blog (packed w info!)Addiction Inoculation w Jessica Lahey — ON BOYS episodeTroubled Boys (w Kenneth R Rosen) — ON BOYS episodeAnother View of Wilderness Therapy — ON BOYS episodehttp://drugfree.org/  and toll-free Helpline (1-855-DRUGFREE / 1-855-378-4373) TheNewDrugTalk.orgSAMHSA National Helpline 1-800-662-4357 (Confidential free help, from public health agencies, to find substance use treatment and information)SongForCharlie.org https://www.dea.gov/onepilldancesafe.org (Fentanyl Test Strips and Drug Checking Kits)Adding Naloxone to Your First Aid Kit — Decipher Your Health post (NOTE: Jen now has naloxone in her home)shatterproof.org — includes a Narcan training videoAl-Anon — support for family & friends of people w alcohol use disorderNar-Anon — support for family & friends of people who use narcoticsSponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Jen’s Feb. Armoire haulSponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsMake your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.Sponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.armoire.style* Check out Factor and use my code onboys50 for a great deal: www.factor75.com* Check out Homethreads and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: www.homethreads.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

50/50 shared parenting is good for boys & good for parents. But it’s not yet the norm, despite decades of research demonstrating the value of shared parenting.“It’s one part sexism and one part misunderstanding of the latest social science around what it best for kids,” says Emma Johnson, author of The 50/50 Solution: The Surprising Simple Choice that Makes Moms, Dads, and Kids Happier & Healthier After a Divorce. “”Thankfully, we are barreling toward a better future. No one’s really been able to quantify where or how often 50/50 is happening, but it’s definitely better than when I divorced 15 years ago.”Why 50/50 parenting should be the defaultChildren (and parents) thrive when they have regular, close connection. The exact number of minutes or days children and parents spend together isn’t as important as regular, routine interaction — and that’s what 50/50 shared parenting schedules provide.“Kids then know, intellectually, emotionally, and in their hearts that my mom and dad are both in it to win it. No one’s going to check out, slip out, or move away. No one’s got the upper hand,” Emma says.Shared parenting also gives both parents time to practice parenting and time to focus on work, adult connections, and self-care. And seeing both parents actively involved in parenting and work broadens children’s ideas of work and family. As Emma writes in her book, “An equal 50/50 parenting presumption is the one policy change that could dramatically help tens of millions of children, their families, and communities, without any additional funding.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Emma discuss:Benefits of shared parenting for parents & childrenThe role of sexism in parenting – & parenting decisions post-divorceWhy you need to let go of the idea of being the “better” parentParental gatekeepingSharing caregiving and financial responsibilityCo-parenting when your separation or divorce was not amicableSocietal benefits of 50/50 parentingLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:The 50/50 Solution: The Surprising Simple Choice that Makes Moms, Dads, and Kids Happier & Healthier After a Divorce, by Emma JohnsonSingle Parenting w Wealthy Single Mommy Emma Johnson –– ON BOYS episodeParenting Boys Thru Divorce — ON BOYS episodeIs Shared Parenting Best for Boys After Divorce? — BuildingBoys postMoms for Shared Parenting –– an activist organization promoting equally shared parenting Sponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Jen’s Feb. Armoire haulSponsor Spotlight: WinonaMenopause care made easy!Visit bywinona.com/onboys & use code ONBOYS to get 25% your first order. Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsMake your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.armoire.style* Check out Homethreads and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: www.homethreads.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Building boys’ resilience can help them thrive, says Marc Hauser. Even if they’ve experienced a lot of adversity.“Adversity experienced by children is not a rare event, but a relatively common event,” says Marc, author of Vulnerable Minds: The Harms of Childhood Trauma & the Hope of Resilience. Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) may include abuse, violence, neglect, poverty, and loss of a caregiver, and these experiences can negatively affect kids’ development.But although research linking ACEs to behavioral problems and decreased academic achievement has been around for more than two decades, many adults still do not understand that adverse experiences may be at the root of children’s behavioral issues. Boys who act up (or out) at school, at home, or in the community are frequently met with punishment, not understanding.Shifting your mindset from What’s wrong with you? to What happened to you? What’s happening? can be “transformative,” Marc says.The 5 Ts (& How They Impact ACEs)All adverse experiences are not equal. There are 5 Ts that can impact a child’s adverse experiences:Type  – Poverty may impact a child differently than sexual abuse or loss of a caregiver, for instance.Tenure  – How long is the child exposed to the adverse experience? Is it relatively fleeting, or a persistent issue over many months or years?Timing – When, during the child’s development, did they experience an adverse event? Some ACEs are particularly impactful if they occur during specific phases of development.Toxicity  — This describes the severity of the event. Broadly speaking, severe physical abuse is typically more impactful than mild physical abuse.Turbulence – How unpredictable and uncontrollable is the event?In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Marc discuss:Prevalence of ACEsHow exposure to trauma affects parents & their parenting practicesACEs impact on malesThe COVID pandemic’s impact on boysStrategies boys (& others) can use to mitigate the impact of ACEsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Vulnerable Minds: The Harms of Childhood Trauma & the Hope of Resilience, by Marc Hausermarcdhauser.com — Marc’s websiterisk-eraser.com“Whole Child, Whole Life” with Stephanie Malia Krauss — ON BOYS episodeAdverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) & Muscle Dysphoria — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Jen’s Feb. Armoire haulSponsor Spotlight: Dabble & DollopNatural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!Sponsor Spotlight: American Blossom LinensGrown, spun, & woven in the USA. Use code ONBOYS to save 20%.Sponsor Spotlight: WinonaMenopause care made easy!Visit bywinona.com/onboys & use code ONBOYS to get 25% your first order. Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsMake your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.armoire.style* Check out Homethreads and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: www.homethreads.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Yes, it’s possible to raise a healthy gamer. Even in a world saturated with video games.Fighting about video games, however, isn’t helpful, says Alok Kanojia (aka Dr. K), author of How to Raise a Healthy Gamer: End Power Struggles, Break Bad Screen Habits, and Transform Your Relationship with Your Kids.“Right now, there is an antagonistic relationship between most parents & their kids around video gaming,” Dr. K says. “You think they need to cut back; they don’t think they have a problem. Then, as parents start to institute limits, children will try to undermine them. Even if you ‘win’ in this scenario, you lose.”It’s more helpful, he says, to establish a collaborative relationship. Ask your child what he enjoys about gaming. Listen carefully to his answers, with an ear to understanding. Really work to understand what he gets from gaming, and ask questions to help him reflect on the role of video games in his life.This takes time — and it’s time well invested.“The time scale that a lot of parents operate on around video games is too small,” Dr. K says. Slow down, & don’t impose solutions. Instead, work on shared problem-solving. “This shifts the dynamic from ‘us vs them’ to ‘we’re on the same team.’ And the moment we make that shift, we see some beautiful changes.” In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dr. K discuss:Why video games are so problematic for many boys & their familiesThe role of gaming in boys’ livesVideo game addictionHandling boys’ resistanceWhy you should never make & enforce a boundary at the same timeWhy you shouldn’t use gaming as a disciplinary tool (or reward)Responding to kids who won’t put down their phoneLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:How to Raise a Healthy Gamer: End Power Struggles, Break Bad Screen Habits, and Transform Your Relationship with Your Kids, by Alok Kanojia (aka Dr. K)www.healthygamer.gg — Dr. K’s websiteWhy are Video Games So Important to Boys? — ON BOYS episodeThe Evolution of Esports — ON BOYS episodeThe Link Between Freedom & Video Games — BuildingBoys blog postWhy Boys Play Video Games – BuildingBoys blog postSponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Jen’s Feb. Armoire haulSponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsMake your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.Sponsor Spotlight: American Blossom LinensGrown, spun, & woven in the USA. Use code ONBOYS to save 20%.Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & DollopNatural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.armoire.style* Check out Homethreads and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: www.homethreads.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How, exactly, does one “get curious” about their son without badgering him?That’s a big, important question, and that’s exactly what Jennifer wants to know:Lately, as he is resisting my normal questioning…I feel like I am now pushing him to evaluate his feelings, talk to me, or just engage…I have seen this cute, fun challenge of showing a person two pieces of paper. Each one has something different written in it. The recipient who is choosing the paper has no idea what is on the other side. At one time, this fun way to choose an adventure with me would have been exciting. Today was the exact opposite. He whined, then slithered down in his seat. Covered his face. I was taken aback. So I “got curious”. I asked him what was he feeling. “I don’t know”. I asked him if he thought I would put something un-fun on them. “I don’t know.” Why. Are you feeling like a lack of control? “I don’t know”. I probed a bit more, but you get the idea…Well-meaning mom + fun idea + teen boy = Disappointment & discomfortTiming may have been part of the problem. When talking to teenage boys, it’s best to avoid after-school surprises. It’s better to give them a heads-up; let them know, in advance, that you want to talk with (or do something) with them – and then, together, figure out good time.And as for getting curious, Jen reminds listeners that “getting curious” can be internal. Instead of interrogating your son, get quiet. Think about what might be going on under the surface. Read, listen, and learn about what may be going on with your son.Other questions we address include:My son had undiagnosed learning differences for many years. We have changed schools a few times, but his motivation is at an all-time low…I read in a lot of literature that kids often lack motivation because of their relationship with their parents. We generally have a good relationship, but we worry that he still feels we failed him all those years ago…and I get calls from the school that my boys misbehave…They usually get a consequence at school. How harsh should I follow up at home, do they need a second punishment?andIf my junior has a winter dance coming up, and I think he should go, can I make him go or bribe him, or is this me living vicariously through him?and also:I’d like to hear something about the “other” teens. The ones who hide their insecurities behind perfection…So growing up they miss out on opportunities, camps, jobs… How do I help them become more confident? How do I help them see their value, take initiative and try new stuff?andI’m reluctant to let my kid go to summer camp… nervous… and how do I actually GET him to go?Note Jen’s sweater – it’s a rental from Armoire, one of our sponsors!In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:Why teenage boys don’t embrace (& often reject) our ideasThe importance of real self-careManaging fear & guiltBoys’ motivationResponding to misbehavior & phone calls from schoolPerfectionismSummer camp & separation anxietyLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Boost Boys’ Motivation –– our online courseListener Q & A: Punishment, Teenage Boys, & Letting Go — Q & A from late 2023Needed: Boy-Friendly Schools — ON BOYS episodeDebt Free Mom Discusses Family Finances –– ON BOYS episodeEmails & Phone Calls from Teachers — ON BOYS episodeSleepovers, Camp, & Separation Anxiety — ON BOYS episodeBuilding Boys Bulletin — Jen’s Substack newsletterSponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month. Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & DollopNatural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order! Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsMake your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.armoire.style* Check out Homethreads and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: www.homethreads.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

“Debt Free Mom” (aka Carly Hill) knows that family finances can be a fraught topic.Yet family finances affect every aspect of family life: A family’s stress level, as well as housing, education, and recreational choices. Family finances play into decisions such as rec sports or travel team? Private school or public school? And, of course, our attitude and money habits affects our children as well. Our boys learn a lot about money management — both good and bad! – from us.On Budgeting & Money Management“A budget is simply a tool, a way to arrive at an outcome that’s not going to happen by accident,” Carly says.Step one in budgeting (or creating a money plan) is to understand the gap — either positive or negative — between your income & expenses. “Any financial goal that we have is all going to be driven by the gap between our income and our expenses.”You may not have a financial cushion; your expenses may regularly exceed your income. That’s stressful. And stress and overwhelm can cause us to freak out and/or ignore our financial situation. Instead, Carly recommends radical acceptance.“We have to radically accept what’s already happened,” she says. You can’t go back and un-borrow your student loans or choose a different job. Take some deep breaths and look at your real numbers — how much money you owe and how much you have. (Often, Carly says, things aren’t as dire as people think.)Once you know your numbers, do NOT jump to creating a budget. Instead, think about what you’re trying to achieve. What goal would you like to work towards? A good first goal is to consistently spend less than you make. Don’t worry about saving or paying down debt yet.Next, focus on your financial circle of influence. You can’t control grocery prices; you can control how quickly you press “buy” online.If you’re struggling to see a path forward — if you’ve already cut expenses and don’t see a way to increase your income — it may be wise to get outside advice. “We’re often too close to our own situation to see an alternate path,” Carly says. An outside advisor (who may be a friend or financial professional) isn’t emotionally involved and may be able to see alternatives that you can’t.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Carly discuss:Budgeting, saving, spendingWhy your parents’ money advice may not work for youHow having a money plan can ease stressUnderstanding your financial circle of influenceEstablishing clear goals & clear incentivesNegotiating conflicting financial prioritiesResisting pressure to buyLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:debtfreemom.co — Carly’s websiteThe Debt Free Mom podcastTeach Boys Money Management — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: ArmoireClothing rental subscription that makes getting dressed easier. Visit armoire.style/ONBOYS to get up to 50% OFF your first month.Jen’s Feb. Armoire haulSponsor Spotlight: Dabble & DollopNatural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!Sponsor Spotlight: WinonaMenopause care made easy!Visit bywinona.com/onboys & use code ONBOYS to get 25% your first order.Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsMake your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off. Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.armoire.style* Check out Homethreads: HomeThreads.com/ONBOYSAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Many Dads want to “step up with their hearts” and “actively parent,” says Maggie Dent, Australian parenting author and host of The Good Enough Dad and Parental As Anything podcasts. “They want to know how to do it well,” she says, noting that most dads have little experience caring for (or interacting with!) children prior to becoming a parent. Moms, though, often unconsciously interfere with dads’ parenting efforts by criticizing fathers or insisting that dads follow their parenting directives.“If you keep telling a boy or a man they’re ‘doing it wrong,’ they’ll just stop,” Maggie says. “Moms have to let go a bit. You’ve got to step back.”Dads need time to figure out parenting too. They need space to make mistakes (& discoveries!) And they need to know that we value their contributions.Boys (and girls and nonbinary children) do best when dads are involved. Building up dads benefits boys!In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Maggie discuss:Changing expectations for dadsMaternal gatekeepingCreating “team parent”How dads support one anotherUsing “dad dates” to connect with your kidsSupporting dadsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:MaggieDent.com — Maggie’s website (LOTS of good stuff here, including a link to her podcast, Parental as Anything, and links to her courses & books)The Good Enough Dad — podcast hosted by MaggieDads Matter (w Marion Hill) — ON BOYS episodeDads, Boys, & Masculinity — ON BOYS episodeMaggie Dent on How to Motivate Boys — 2022 ON BOYS episodeMaggie Dent: What Teenage Boys Really Need — 2020 ON BOYS episodeMaggie Dent on Mothering Boys (Part 1) — ON BOYS episodeMaggie Dent on Mothering Boys (Part 2) — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsMake your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off. Sponsor Spotlight: American Blossom LinensGrown, spun, & woven in the USA. Use code ONBOYS to save 20%.Sponsor Spotlight: WinonaMenopause care made easy!Visit bywinona.com/onboys & use code ONBOYS to get 25% your first order.Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.armoire.style* Check out Homethreads: HomeThreads.com/ONBOYSAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Jaclyn Greenberg often feels like she’s living a divided life.When her daughter was born, there was music and laughter in the birthing room. When her disabled son was born, there was no music. No laughter. In fact, everyone swept out of the room soon after the baby’s birth, taking him with them. Jacyln hadn’t even had a chance to say hello.Raising a disabled son alongside two typically-developing children (her daughter and youngest son) presents unique challenges and opportunities.“I’ve learned, from my son, how to advocate for and speak up for my son, and it’s taught me how to do that for myself and other people in my family,” says Jaclyn, a writer who’s working on a memoir that’s tentatively titled Keeping Us Together. “There’s something about having children that makes you brave in a way you haven’t been before.”Advocating for inclusionHenry, Jacyln’s disabled son, will likely never walk or talk. The world at large isn’t very accessible to those who don’t walk and talk (or see, hear, speak, sense, and act like most others), so it’s difficult for Jacklyn’s family to do things together.“I don’t want my husband to take my son and I take the other two. I don’t want us to have to divide and conquer,” she says. “I want us to experience life together.”Henry’s siblings have long found ways to include him. “They will go to people’s houses on Halloween and say, ‘My brother can’t come up here because you have stairs. Could you please come downstairs?'” Jacyln says.Others aren’t always accommodating, and too many people don’t make an effort to include people with disabilities. Some people even instruct their young kids to “look away” when they see a person with disabilities. These parents may believe they’re teaching their children not to stare at people who look or act differently, but it’s better, Jacyln says, to model curiosity and kindness.“To me, the worst thing someone can say is, ‘don’t stare; look away,’ because they’re teaching a child to ignore somebody who looks different rather than to learn about them and engage with them,” she says. “It’s okay to stumble. It’s okay to say the wrong thing. Ask what’s the right thing. Ask ‘how can I include you?'”In this episode, Janet & Jaclyn discuss:Parenting typically-developing & disabled childrenInclusion & accessibilityManaging mom guiltPulling together a team of specialistsAdvocating for your disabled childResources for parents of disabled boysAsking for (& receiving) helpLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:jaclyngreenbergwriter.com – Jaclyn’s websiteWhat My Children’s Relationship Taught Me About Accessibility & Inclusion — ScaryMommy article by JaclynHow an Adaptive Game Controller Helps My Family Bond – Wired article by JaclynSponsor Spotlight: Dabble & DollopNatural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsMake your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.     Sponsor Spotlight: American Blossom LinensGrown, spun, & woven in the USA. Use code ONBOYS to save 20%.Our Sponsors:* Check out Homethreads: HomeThreads.com/ONBOYSAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Is middle school misunderstood — or magic?For most of us — and many of our kids — middle school is a pretty miserable time. But that’s largely because most educators and parents misunderstand middle schoolers & these critical years.“This is a very pervasive story, that middle school is terrible. But it doesn’t have to be. We make it terrible by working directly against the developmental needs of middle schoolers and designing these buildings and classes in way that make their lives really hard,” says veteran educator Chris Balme, author of Finding the Magic in Middle School: Tapping into the Power and Potential of the Middle School Years.Middle Schoolers Have Unique Developmental NeedsThere are two time periods in our lives when the brain is growing the fastest: the early childhood years (approximately ages 0-5) and early adolescence (approximately ages 11-16). In early adolescence, “the brain reforms itself as a social brain,” Chris says. That’s why middle schoolers are so acutely attuned to their peers (and seem more interested in social situations than academics).Middle schoolers progress through predictable developmental stages:Belonging. A middle schooler “needs to feel as if there’s one group, or at least one person, that they feel safe with, who wants them to be here and is consistent,” Chris says. If they don’t have that sense of belonging, they can’t show up to their full potential.Achievement. During this stage, kids “try to show what they’ve got,” Chris says. They want to show that they can do things of value. Note: Kids can only move into achievement once they feel a solid sense of belonging.Authenticity. This stage involves figuring out what they really like (& don’t like.). Kids eventually learn to express more of their authentic self in their daily lives.Helping Boys Thrive Despite Less-Than-Ideal Middle Schools“If a school doesn’t give at least a third of the day for social and movement time, it is holding our kids back developmentally,” Chris says.Of course, many of our boys attend middle schools that don’t prioritize movement and socialization. So, it’s on parents to help them thrive. One way we can do this, Chris says, is to be weird. Middle schoolers can (& should) see their parents pursue hobbies and interests — and see us resolve conflicts and cope with challenges.If your son is getting into trouble at a school that doens’t respect his needs for movement, socialization, belonging, and achievement, your number one priority should be to “not make it worse,” Chris says. “School has made this child’s life harder than it needs to be.” Instead, work with your child to understand what’s beneath his behavior. Help him figure out other ways to meet his needs.“We can stress a little bit less about academics in middle school,” Chris says. “If we actually help someone finish middle school feeling like they have some sense of who they are authentically, and they’re confident and skillful enough to put that out in the social world, and they’ve got some friendships based on their authentic sense of self, that is such a win.“That is really what I think the goal posts should be for middle school.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Chris discuss:Why modern middle school is a miserable experience for many middle schoolers & their familiesDevelopmental needs of middle schoolers“Twinning” — when tweens copy others’ look or behaviorHow parents & educators can help tweens & teens work toward belonging, achievement, & authenticityWhy you should STRESS LESS ABOUT ACADEMICSGiving middle schoolers more responsibilityLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Finding the Magic in Middle School: Tapping into the Power and Potential of the Middle School Years, by Chris Balmechrisbalme.com — Chris’s websiteGrowing Wiser — Chris’s Substack newsletterWhat Middle School Boys Need — ON BOYS episodeBraden Bell Explains Middle School Boys — ON BOYS episodeMiddle School Matters w Phyllis Fagell — ON BOYS episodePhyllis Fagell Discusses Middle School Superpowers — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Dabble & DollopNatural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!Sponsor Spotlight: WinonaMenopause care made easy!Visit bywinona.com/onboys & use code ONBOYS to get 25% your first order.Sponsor Spotlight: American Blossom LinensGrown, spun, & woven in the USA. Use code ONBOYS to save 20%.  Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsMake your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off. Our Sponsors:* Check out Homethreads: HomeThreads.com/ONBOYSAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Most schools today aren’t boy-friendly. That’s one (big!) reason why boys lag behind girls academically. And why so many boys hate going to school. Tyler, a 16-year-old Texas boy, started struggling in middle school. Recess was no more. Classes were 90 minutes long. So, “he found it really hard to sit still in class,” says Julie Jargon, the Wall Street Journal Family & Tech columnist who interviewed Tyler for her series on boys and education. Now a high school student, Tyler suggests that “instead of making guys change the way they behave, maybe schools should change the way they’re structured.”Boy-friendly education practicesMovement helps humans remain alert and engaged. Simply shifting activities every 15 minutes or so can boost boys’ (and girls’) performance in the classroom. Time outside is helpful as well. Visual cues can help keep boys on track too. Boy-friendly schools also prioritize hands-on learning.“A lot of these things that are beneficial for boys are the same for girls. It’s not that girls need something vastly different,” Julie says. “The things that benefit boys also benefit girls. You can adopt boy-friendly practices in your school without being unfriendly to girls.”All students benefit from time to reflect on — and correct — academic, social, and behavioral mistakes. One of the all-boys schools Julie wrote about uses a restorative justice approach, she says.“Instead of just punishing them, they give boys an opportunity to talk about it and apologize,” Julie says. That approach helps boys hone their emotional intelligence and communication skills.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Julie discuss:Why so many boys struggle in middle schoolHow misunderstanding male development contributes to boys’ problems in schoolWorkarounds parents use to help boysBoy-friendly education practicesPushing back against developmentally inappropriate expectationsSingle-sex vs coed schools & classesSupport for parents of boysLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Boys are Struggling. It Can Take Coaches, Tutors, and Thousands a Month to Fix That — WSJ article by JulieInside the Schools Where Boys Can Be Boys — WSJ article by JulieLosing a Grandparent Hurts Boys at School — Scientific American articleSet Boys Up for School Success — ON BOYS episodeBoys in School Task Force –– ON BOYS episodeThe Gender Equation in Schools — ON BOYS episodeBoy Moms as Boy Advocates — ON BOYS episode featuring Gemma GaudetteSponsor Spotlight: WinonaMenopause care made easy!Visit bywinona.com/onboys & use code ONBOYS to get 25% your first order.Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & DollopNatural bath products for kidsSponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsMake your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off. Our Sponsors:* Check out Homethreads: HomeThreads.com/ONBOYSAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Modern male puberty starts earlier than you think.It may start as early as age 9 in boys – which means that the mood swings you’re seeing in your 10-year-old son could well be puberty-related. After all, as Cara Natterson & Vanessa Kroll Bennett write in their book This is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained, “The very first sign of puberty in most kids is a slamming door.” Most parents of boys aren’t prepared for male puberty. (And may be in denial when the first signs start appearing.) The earliest physical symptoms of male puberty aren’t obvious & typically occur around the same time your son starts seeking more privacy. So “you might not actually know when your kid is in puberty,” Vanessa says.Why your 10-year-old son may be acting like a 16-year-oldSex hormones fuel the physical changes that occur during puberty. (Testosterone is the primary male sex hormone.) These hormones also have a tremendous impact on our kids’ moods and well-being. And high levels of testosterone are linked to rage, as well as boys’ “swing to silence” during puberty.“When those hormones rise and fall, they do not do so gracefully,” says Cara, a pediatrician. “They do not do so slowly. It’s high, high, HIGH, rapid surge, and then you’re off the edge of the cliff and you’re pummeling to the floor. Those hormones drop and bottom out.” These swings can happen in a matter of hours. And that, Cara says, “is what you are seeing when your kid behaves like a jerk.”Kids don’t enjoy those sudden shifts and swings either. “Their brain is being bathed in a stew of hormones that is not familiar to them, and they don’t know how to manage how they feel as a result of this cocktail that is saturating all of the neurons in the brain,” Cara says.Boys’ brains are still maturing during puberty too. They don’t yet have fully mature emotional regulation systems. And while they need to learn how to control their behavior, it takes time (and, typically, many mistakes) to develop consistent behavioral control. So, parents, educators, and other adults need to extend grace and compassion to tweens and teens.“We have to give them the benefit of the doubt,” Vanessa says. “And give them a way back. They don’t feel good when they get that angry or emotional or react violently. They may feel ashamed or embarrassed.”Surviving your son’s adolescenceIt is completely normal to feel grief, doubt, anger, and fear as your son moves through puberty. During adolescence, boys (and girls) pull away from their parents. That separation is necessary and normal, but can feel like rejection to parents. It’s okay to grieve and feel sad. Take comfort, though, in the fact that boys typically “come back” to their parents as they reach the far side of puberty.Your son may well be annoying, thoughtless, disrespectful, disorganized, smelly, and messy during puberty. None of that means he’ll end up that way as an adult. And none of it means that you’re doing (or have done) something wrong.“The path to building kind, empathic, loving, thoughtful men is a very windy, bumpy road,” Vanessa says. “And at every step of the way, it can be really tempting to lose faith.”When a boy reacts angrily or violently, stay calm. Give them space. Connect with them after they’ve cooled down. During calmer times, teach & talk about emotions. Navigate puberty along your son, seeking support as needed.In this episode, Jen, Cara, & Vanessa discuss:The #1 question Cara & Vanessa get about male pubertyAcknowledging the grief & sadness you may feel as your son enters pubertyBuilding menHow (& why) hormones affect teen boys’ behaviorPuberty & perimenopauseHelping boys manage their mood swingsWet dreamsTalking about safer sex, contraception, family planning, intimacy, consent, & loving relationshipsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:This is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained, by Cara Natterson, MD & Vanessa Kroll Bennettlessawkward.com — Cara & Vanessa’s website (includes links to their books, newsletter, podcast, & talks)The Puberty Podcast — Cara & Vanessa’s podcast (Don’t miss Jen on their podcast — Building Boys with Jennifer Fink)Decoding Boys w Dr. Cara Natterson –– ON BOYS episodeThe Truth About Parenting Teen Boys — the famous BuildingBoys post about 14-yr-old boys being a**holesPuberty, Perimenopause, & Midlife Parenting — ON BOYS episodeGuy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys, by Cara NattersonGuy Stuff Feelings: Everything You Need to Know About Your Emotions, by Cara NattersonSponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsMake your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.Our Sponsors:* Check out HomeThreads.com/ONBOYS to get a code for 15% off your first order!Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

There’s a connection between adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) & muscle dysmorphia, which is a strong desire to bulk up your body.According to new research by Kyle Ganson, an assistant professor in Canada & a licensed clinical social worker who’s worked with teenagers & young adults, boys who experience abuse, neglect, incarceration or divorce of a parent, poverty, or parental mental illness or substance use, are more likely to develop muscle dysmorphia. That’s important because it a) suggests ways to prevent muscle dysmorphia and b) indicates which boys may benefit from screening and intervention.Many well-meaning adults miss (or ignore) the symptoms of muscle dysmorphia because, on the surface, many of those symptoms appear healthy. A sudden, dedicated interest in fitness is often praised by parents & coaches; so is boys’ desire to “eat healthy.” But muscle dysmorphia is unhealthy and can become physically and emotionally damaging. Boys and men who are obsessed with bulking up may prioritize working out over all else. They may decline social outings and family gatherings that revolve around food.Adults may assume that a boy’s desire to bulk up is rooted in his desire to obtain a specific “look.” But “sometimes for boys, it’s not always about the aesthetic appearance; it’s about the function,” Kyle says. That may be especially true for boys who were bullied or abused.What the research says about ACES & muscle dysmorphiaKyle’s research showed that children who experience 5 or more ACEs are more likely than others to develop symptoms of muscle dysmorphia. That association “was particularly strong for boys & young men,” he says. In fact, 30% of young boys who had 5 or more ACES were at clinical risk of muscle dysmorphia. (For comparison, only 10% of the girls who had 5 or more ACEs were at clinical risk of muscle dysmorphia.) The researchers also found that boys who experienced multiple ACEs were more likely than others to use performance enhancing drugs and supplements.Please note: Not all children who have ACEs experience adverse outcomes. However, if your son has a history of ACEs, stay alert for possible symptoms of muscle dysmorphia. If he shows a sudden interest in going to the gym or changing his diet, Kyle recommends approaching him with “respectful curiosity.” Ask questions; listen carefully.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kyle discuss:Symptoms of muscle dysmorphiaThe link between ACEs & muscle dysmorphiaWhy ACES may increase the risk of muscle dysmorphia for boysDealing with diet cultureTalking to healthcare professionals about muscle dysmorphiaLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Adverse Childhood Experiences and Muscle Dysmorphia Symptomatology: Findings from a Sample of Canadian Adolescents and Young Adults — Kyle’s research studyBody Image, Eating Disorders, & Boys — ON BOYS episodeHelping Boys Develop Healthy Body Image — ON BOYS episodeBoys & Body Image — ON BOYS episodeWhy Now is the Best Time to Raise Boys (w Michael Reichert) — ON BOYS episodePicky Eaters, Family Meals, & Nutrition — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsMake your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.Our Sponsors:* Check out HomeThreads.com/ONBOYS to get a code for 15% off your first order!Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How can boys experience school success? Parents and educators frequently ask, “How do we help boys thrive in school?” A question we rarely ask is, What can boys do to set themselves up for school success? What can we do to help boys successfully navigate school?“It’s really essential that we, as parents & educators of boys, are preparing them to navigate the struggles within school,” says Dr. Todd (Jason) Feltman, author of Transforming into a Powerful Third, Fourth, or 5th Grade Navigator of School Success.  “It’s not just the academic struggles but also the socialization, the physical and emotional struggles.”Equipping boys with strategies they can use to manage these stressors can increase their confidence & school success.Strategies to Help Boys SucceedGenerally speaking, boys have a hard time sitting still in the classroom. Todd recommends addressing this issue head-on with your boy. Talk about this challenge & help him brainstorm ways to incorporate movement. Teach him how to self-advocate with his teacher. (Perhaps they could agree on a non-verbal signal that could mean it’s okay to stand and stretch.)Allowing boys to draw before beginning a writing assignment can also be helpful. (Many boys think visually – and many elementary school-aged boys struggle with handwriting and spelling.)“Every student has strengths,” Todd says. “We need to teach them how to unpack and apply their strength. I know that boys can take charge of their education.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Todd discuss:Why 3rd, 4th, & 5th grade are so challenging for boysHelping boys self-advocateThe link between sleep & learningTeaching boys organization (Note: modeling, mentoring, & regular practice helps!)Why should you ask for boys’ inputWhat to say when a boy says “the teacher doesn’t like me”Setting high expectations for school successDevelopmentally appropriate school expectationsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:toddfeltman.com — Todd’s websiteTransforming into a Powerful Third, Fourth, or Fifth Grade Navigator of School Success, by Dr. Todd (Jason) FeltmanMentoring My Elementary- and Middle-School Students to Become Powerful Navigators of Success, by Dr. Todd FeltmanBuilding Boys’ Reading & Literacy Skills — previous ON BOYS episode w Dr. FeltmanSponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.comSponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsMake your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off. Our Sponsors:* Check out ByHeart and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://byheart.com/* Check out HomeThreads.com/ONBOYS to get a code for 15% off your first order!Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Color blindness affects a lot of boys.In fact, 1 in 12 males are color blind. They perceive color differently than most humans. Some see shades of tan instead of vivid reds and greens. Some see life in black, white, and grey. Many don’t realize that they see things differently than their peers, teachers, and parents. And many parents and teachers don’t realize that their boys are colorblind – which can lead to unnecessary learning complications and affect boys’ learning.Signs of Color BlindnessJessica Fleming, a writer & mom of 4 sons (currently age 9, 7, 5, and 5), first realized her 7-year-old son’s vision was different when she asked her boys to sort the books in her office by color. After a few minutes, her oldest son declared, “Everett doesn’t know his colors!” and pointed out a couple out-of-place books, including a pink tome. Further questioning revealed that her second-grade son was as confused by his “mistakes” as the rest of his family.Then Jessica remembered that she had an uncle who was colorblind. She found a color blindness test online, administered it to her son, and learned he has a vision deficiency. A follow up visit to an ophthalmologist revealed that her son has a red/green vision deficiency, the most common kind of color blindness. To him, red and green look virtually the same — almost like a khaki brown.Some kids who are colorblind don’t like art — so pay attention and dig a little deeper if your son avoids (or complains about!) art activities. (P.S. Sam, Jen’s son, is not colorblind!)Unfortunately, color blindness is often not diagnosed until a child is in middle school. Some people are adults when they first realize they are color blind.How Color Blindness Affects Boys’ EducationContrary to popular belief, color blindness can affect quality of life. Early childhood and elementary school education depends heavily on color cues and visual processing, so kids who are colorblind may struggle in school. Many children who are colorblind are in special ed classes – perhaps because they couldn’t see and access information as easily as their peers.If you suspect (or know) that your son is colorblind, tell his teachers ASAP. Simple accommodations, such as printing things in black-and-white instead of color, can help him. Ensuring a high contrast between print and background colors is also helpful. Another: Instead of color-coding maps and graphs, use patterns, such as polka dots and stripes. Be sure art supplies are labeled with the color name. Color vision-correcting glasses are also available.Kids who are color blind are also eligible for a 504 plan.Testing Can Easily Detect Color BlindnessOnly 11 states test for colorblindness during vision screenings at school, even though the test is non-invasive, cheap, and easy to administer. Jessica recommends administering an online screening test to all kids.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jessica discuss:Signs and symptomsTypes of color blindnessTesting for color blindnessGenetics of color blindnessAdaptations to help kids who are color blindAdvocating for color blind kidsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Countless Kids are Colorblind – and Don’t Know About It. Here’s How to Help — Jessica’s Washington Post articleRoanoke City Schools Discover Hundreds of Students May be Color BlindEnchroma online color blindness testMyths & Misconceptions About Boys — previous ON BOYS episode with JessicaBoy Moms as Boys Advocates — ON BOYS episode with Gemma Gaudette Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.comSponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsLove where you liveOur Sponsors:* Check out ByHeart and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://byheart.com/* Check out Homethreads and use my code onboys for a great deal: www.homethreads.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Which ON BOYS episodes were the Best of 2023? Photo by Photo by Engin Akyurt via PexelsYour favorites include:5. Simplicity Parenting with Kim John PayneSimplicity parenting prioritizes a balanced schedule, predictable rhythm, and decluttered, information-filtered family environment…The antidote to constant overwhelm is simple, Payne says. It’s simplicity. He advises parents to “dial back”…4. Parental Accommodation & ADHD (featuring ADHD Dude Ryan Wexelblatt)“Parental accommodation is when parents change their behavior to alleviate or avoid their child’s temporary distress,” Ryan says. It’s often done out of love — and fear. Doing so may avoid some conflict, but it allows unhelpful behaviors to continue….3. Talking to Tween & Teen Boys (featuring Johnathon Reed of NextGenMen)…boys won’t necessarily tell you about their problems. “If boys are struggling, often they’re struggling in silence,” Reed says. “There’s still a stigma against asking for help, particularly when it also means admitting a weakness or a vulnerability.”2. Teen Boys’ Emotional LIves (featuring Brendan Kwiatkowski, PhD)…the #1 reason why teen boys restrict emotion (& emotional expression) is because “they don’t want to burden other people.”The #2 reason is “fear of judgment.”1. Parenting “Spicy” Boys (featuring Mary Van Geffen)“Spicy” boys are those who express themselves in big and loud ways, feel things intensely, and have energy to spare…They often are very persistent and quite emotionally intelligent.A few of our other 2023 favorites:Building Boys in a World that Misunderstands MalesWhat Middle School Boys NeedPhyllis Fagell Discuss Middle School SuperpowersNonverbal Communication with BoysBoys, Babies, & BreastfeedingCalm the Chaos: Parenting Challenging KidsEmotional Lives of TeensWhy Now is the Best Time to Raise BoysSponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.comSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Our Sponsors:* Check out BetterHelp and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://www.betterhelp.com/* Check out ByHeart and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://byheart.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Our January 5 conversation with Mary Van Geffen, Parenting “Spicy” Boys, is ON BOYS’ Most Popular Episode of 2023. (And Jen’s sons’ least favorite! Gen Z defines “spicy” quite differently than we’re using it here.)Sure, this episode, released early in the year, had the benefit of time. But Mary’s message also resonates with frustrated and overwhelmed parents of boys. As she told us,“Spicy” boys are those who express themselves in big and loud ways, feel things intensely, and have energy to spare. They “have so much loyalty toward their own soul — and less to the adults’ agenda.”Mary’s audience continues to grow — she has over 286,000 Instagram followers! — because parents need help supporting their strong, spicy kids. You’ll want to listen to this episode more than once because a) it contains a lot of wisdom and b) because your spicy kids are now likely challenging you in ways they weren’t the first time you listened!In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Mary discuss:Characteristics of a Spicy OneWhy shame-based discipline approaches don’t work with spicy boysHow your perceptions affect your parenting & relationship w your childParenting when you are spicy or highly sensitiveA sensual pause technique you can use to calm your nervous systemHow changing your voice can help you reach your kidsSetting boundaries & managing others’ expectationsGrocery shopping with boysLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:maryvangeffen.com – Mary’s websitehttps://www.instagram.com/maryvangeffen/ — Mary on InstagramHighly Sensitive People Can Thrive — ON BOYS episodeHighly Sensitive Boys with William Allen — ON BOYS episodeSensitive Boys (w Dr. Sandy Gluckman) — ON BOYS episodeBrain-Body Parenting w Dr. Mona Delahooke — ON BOYS episodePositive Intelligence: Why Only 20% of Teams and Individuals Achieve Their True Potential and How You Can Achieve Yours — book by Shirzad Chamine (recommended by Mary)Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.comSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Our Sponsors:* Check out BetterHelp and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://www.betterhelp.com/* Check out ByHeart and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://byheart.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

YouTube isn’t all entertainment and education. Misogyny, racism, and porn lurk there too.It can be really difficult to keep up with what our boys are watching online, though. Creators come & go, interests change, one click can lead to, well, anywhere.Boys love YouTubeYouTube is ubiquitous these days. Gaming and challenge videos (think Mr. Beast) are certainly popular with boys, but many also engage in educational content on the site.“It’s Google and YouTube,” says Cindy Marie Jenkins, founder of OutThink Media. “Those are the search engines” people now use to find information. It’s better, safer, and more effective to teach your boys how to navigate YouTube (and other online spaces) than it is to ban them all together. (Especially because motivated kids can get around almost any parental control!)“We have a massive responsibility to give boys the tools they need to be amazing people,” Cindy says. Parents and other adults can (& should) mentor and guide children as they explore online. Here’s how:Build your relationship, so your boys know they can talk to you without judgement. “Let them know that you are interested & want to be involved,” Cindy says. “Not in a dictatorial way, but in a ‘let’s have conversations about this’ way.” Express curiosity.Build boys’ critical thinking skills, both so they’re better able to understand and process what they see and hear online and so they’re prepared to discuss online personalities, ideas, and videos with their friends.YouTube videos can radicalize boysYou can certainly find blatant misogyny, misandry, hate, and racism on YouTube. But most boys don’t watch those videos. Many, however, watch creators who casually “slide in” comments that may appear to jokes but might also consistently point blame at a particular group of people. You might notice, for instance, that five “jokes” in a row singled out Black people as the antagonists, Cindy says.Certain things that may seem relatively harmless on the surface can lead to more extreme videos and ideas. “Trad” content, emphasizes traditional gender roles and female submission to men in marriage. It can celebrate women as homemakers and men as providers — and can convince some boys that males should be dominant in relationships and the females are meant to submit to their leadership.The pathway to extremism is not necessarily obvious. “It can start with something small and then blow up into, ‘This is what’s wrong with everything,'” Cindy says.How to protect your kids onlineLISTEN to what your kids are talking about. And listen to what they say when you ask them about the videos and creators they see online. Pay attention if your kids seem to be obsessing or angry about certain topics or ideas.Ask questions with curiosity. Use, but don’t completely trust, parental controls and filtering software.Talk about trending videos, movies, ideas, and games. Share your perspective and add context. You can also seek out and share YouTube videos about creators’ personal experiences with hate, misogyny, and racism. Cindy “watches YouTube so you don’t have to,” so you can check her site OutThink Media, to learn more about the creators, gamers, and YouTubers your kids are watching.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Cindy discuss:Educational power of YouTubeHow to mentor and guide kids’ YouTube useTrad wivesThe Great Replacement theoryGamergateKids’ parasocial relationships with YouTubersDoxxingDiscussing mediaLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:OutThink Media — Cindy’s websiteWhy I’m Not Worried About Screen Time — Jen’s BuildingBoys post (the one about Sam studding his bike tires)How One Mom Talks to Her Sons About Hate on the Internet — NPR story about Joanna Schroeder‘s viral Tweet threadYouTube Merch Part 1: 7 Reasons Not to Buy Prime Energy Drink — OutThink Media post about energy drink promoted by (former YouTuber) Logan PaulSisters in Hate: American Women & White Extremism, by Seyward Darby — thought-provoking book that details how individuals become extremistsAmy Lang on How to Keep Boys Safe Online –– ON BOYS podcast episodeSocial Media Safety — ON BOYS podcast episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Our Sponsors:* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com* Check out BetterHelp and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://www.betterhelp.com/* Check out ByHeart and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://byheart.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

America’s marriage coach, Dr. Jacquie Del Rosario, says nature and nurture affect our relationships.Moms are concerned with a lot of things at once; Dads tend to focus on one thing at a time. Many moms derive a sense of security from planning ahead for all possible contingencies. Dads tend to react to life as it happens. Females generally process information more quickly than males as well because women have more language centers in the brain than men do. These differences can lead to conflict and confusion.Learning to navigate these differences can help us build stronger relationships and families.“If our relationship is strong, our ability to parent is also better,” Dr. Jacquie says. “Our ability to raise strong and whole children is better.”Healthy Relationship StrategiesEffective communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. A few strategies she recommends include:Using “I statements.” Don’t start with an accusation. Instead, calmly communicate your current mindset and needs with “I statements”: I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now. I need some help getting dinner on the table. Reflective listening. Repeat back what your partner is saying, to give them a chance to clarify. This technique can be especially helpful for busy parents because “when you are sleep-deprived or in a heightened emotional state, you tend to mis-hear or mis-process information,” Dr. Jacquie says.Asking for what you want. Avoiding this conversation because you’re afraid of the result isn’t helpful. You may avoid conflict in the near-term, but over time, resentment can build. Focus instead on what you need to express and then “choose your time and place,” Dr. Jacquie says.Scheduling regular time to connect. Build conversation time into your lifestyle. If you don’t, it’s too easy to get distracted by other priorities (& exhaustion!). Dr. Jacquie and her husband spend the 30 minutes before sleep with each other nightly. “We mostly talk,” she says. “We talk about our day, about our aspirations, about our children, whatever needs to be discussed.” Planning time to sexual connection is also helpful. (Pro tip: Keeping your children on a schedule makes it easier for you and your partner to have regular time together!)Realistic expectations are important too.“Marriage does not make you happy forever,” Dr. Jacquie says. “You will have ebbs and flows in your marriage. Marriage, like all relationships, is messy.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dr. Jacquie discuss:How biology affects our thinking & relationshipsWhy you need to nurture your adult relationshipsMaternal gatekeepingThe impact of fathersIntimacy7 pillars of compatibilityLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:drjacquie.com — Dr. Jacquie’s websiteSingle Parenting w Wealthy Single Mommy Emma Johnson — ON BOYS episode Sponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Our Sponsors:* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com* Check out BetterHelp and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://www.betterhelp.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Neurodiverse kids need comprehensive sex education too.“It’s a fundamental human right to have this information – & so important to their health & safety,” says Amy Lang, creator of Birds + Bees + Kids, a fantastic resource for parents, childcare providers and educators.Myths About Neurodiversity & SexualityMany people (including well-meaning parents) believe one (or more) myths about neurodiversity & sexuality, Amy says. Common myths include:Neurodiverse people are either asexual or hypersexual. So, parents and educators may gloss over (or skip) essential education. “There’s this myth that neurodiverse kids don’t need this information, that it’s not going to be relevant to them,” Amy says. But that’s not at all true. All humans have a relationship with sexuality. All humans need to know how bodies work. And all humans need to know how to be in healthy, loving relationships.Neurodiverse people are “innocent” – & so won’t get in any “trouble.” The truth is that neurodiverse people are at high risk of sexual abuse. They may also unintentionally sexually offend or abuse others if they are not properly educated.“Sexuality is a huge part of life,” Amy says. Ignoring this aspect of life increases the likelihood for harm — and decrease the chances of your child experiencing safe, fulfilling relationships. Knowledge empowers kids so they can live full lives.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:The Porn Talk Dynamic Duo! A live talk with tons of Q&A! The Porn Talk Info Kit (which has everything you need to talk with your boy like a pro) is included. Sign up here. https://buytickets.at/amylang/1055353Sex Talks with Tweens: What to Say & How to Say It It’s all scripts so you don’t have to figure out what to say! Woot!BirdsAndBeesAndKids.com — Amy’s websiteJust Say This – Amy’s advice-column style podcastBooks for developmentally different kids are here.Talk to Boys about Sex (w Amy Lang) – ON BOYS episodeAmy Lang on How to Keep Boys Safe Online — ON BOYS episodeADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude — ON BOYS episodeDifferently Wired Boys & TiLT Parenting (w Debbie Reber) — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.Sponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%   Our Sponsors:* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Health education varies greatly from place to place.Some boys receive great, age-appropriate, inclusive health education at school. Others do not. “It’s pretty inconsistent,” says Christopher Pepper, a health educator who currently teaches in the San Francisco Unified School District & is working on a book called TALK TO YOUR BOYS: 27 Crucial Conversations Parents Need to Have with Boys Today – and How to Start Having Them. “What’s covered is pretty different and how the subject is approached is handled very differently.”Young men’s health groups can be particularly helpful, as they give boys a chance to discuss masculinity and relationships as well as health topics. “There’s a real hunger among boys to talk about the real issues in their lives,” Christopher says. “Teenage boys are figuring out their attitudes about sexuality and gender, so having a place to talk about the celebrity that just came out as nonbinary” is helpful, he says.Adults with work with teenage boys should lead with curiosity and give boys space to express their thoughts and opinions. “Coming at someone with criticism, even if they’ve said something offensive” is not as helpful as asking questions, such as What do you mean by that? Adults who listen with genuine curiosity are better positioned to then provide additional context and feedback.Contrary to popular belief, “Boys have a lot of capacity and interest in talking about emotions and relationships,” Christopher says. “Boys are really hungry for those kinds of conversations and interested in exploring their values and ideas.” Unfortunately, many boys don’t get the opportunity to discuss those topics in a deep and rich way with their peers or caring adults. Prioritizing those conversations is one important thing adults can do to support boys’ health and development.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Christopher discuss:The current state of health educationCreating safe spaces for boys to talk and learnModeling healthy communication skillsGetting boys to talk to youTalking to boys about racist or homophobic slursThe need for more males in education & caring careersLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Teen Health Today — Christopher’s Substack newslettermrhealthteacher.com — Christopher’s websiteTeacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotions, & Play — ON BOYS episodecdc.gov/healthyyouth/index.htm — CDC site with links to adolescent and school health resources (including the Health Education Curriculum Analysis Tool (HECAT)amaze.org — health, relationship, and sex education material (great to share w your kids!)The New Drug Talk — website w resources to talk about fentanylSponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.Sponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Our Sponsors:* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com* Check out BetterHelp and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://www.betterhelp.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How do you make space for a teenage boy to make his own mistakes?Photo by olia danilevich via PexelsEspecially when said teenager is frustrating, annoying, and contributing to family chaos?Sandra said:Teenager years are frustrating — wanting to tell him what do, yet I know he needs to make his own mistakes. Throw in toddler boy hitting/screaming at his brother….She is definitely not the only parent wondering how to deal with a teen boys & balance the needs of siblings! That’s we tackled her question first in this edition of ON BOYS Listener Q & A.“It can be really hard to step back and let things unfold — let your teen be the one that has to navigate,” Janet says. She recommends talking about that with your teen. Say something like, “It is really hard to watch you make mistakes. I am here for you. I trust that you can figure this out on your own. And if need help, I am here.”Other listener questions include:My sons turned 18 yesterday and are in their last year of high school! I understand the natural and necessary pulling away from parents (especially moms) and establishing themselves as men. Is it possible to release them vs. them tearing away? If so, what does that look like?andHow & what do you prioritize? I’m a single mom with 3 sons. I can’t do homework, home cooked meals, sports practice and read with them every night, so what to prioritize, who to prioritize and what to let go?andShould I punish the boys by taking away screen time if they get bad grades? Taking away screens is the only punishment that works.In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:Parenting teen & toddler boysLaunching teenagers & young adult men“Soiling the nest”Asking for helpHow to create a dinner co-opDealing with “bad grades”Nurturing connectionLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Listener Q & A: Supporting Sibling Relationships, Finding Common Ground, & More — Jan. ’23 ON BOYS episodePuberty, Perimenopause, & Midlife Parenting — ON BOYS episodeThe Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) — ON BOYS episodeMore Wisdom from Teacher Tom — ON BOYS episodeHow to Build Your Village — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.Our Sponsors:* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com* Check out BetterHelp and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://www.betterhelp.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Have you heard of autonomy-supportive parenting? Essentially, it’s the opposite of helicopter parenting. It’s a parenting style that allows, supports, and encourages kids to make decisions and take action. And unlike helicopter parenting, which demands near-constant parental activity, autonomy-supportive parenting also supports parental rest (and can reduce burnout).“Intensive parenting is not good for our kids. They need the freedom to explore and experiment, and this is where stepping back and sitting on the couch to read a magazine, instead of playing Legos with your child, is okay,” says says Emily Edlynn, a child psychologist & mom of three who is also the author Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children. Self-Determination Theory is the Foundation for Autonomy-Supportive ParentingAccording to self-determination theory, all humans have 3 fundamental needs:Autonomy, or the ability to make decisions for one’s selfCompetenceRelatednessWhen those needs are met, we feel good about life. And about ourselves. Autonomy-supportive parenting focuses on nurturing those 3 fundamental needs in our children, Emily says. At times, to observers, it may look like autonomy-supportive parents are ignoring their child’s needs. They’re not; they’re observing and giving their children an opportunity to test and develop their skills. To develop competence and confidence, children need room to fail, get upset, process their emotions, and try possible solutions.Autonomy-Supportive Parenting in Action.“This is a flexible framework, not a prescription,” Emily says. Parents can and should tweak their approach according to the unique needs and personality of the family and its individual members.Contrary to what some think, autonomy-supportive parenting does not require parents to tolerate disrespect or rude behavior. It’s not about allowing children full freedom to make all decisions. In fact, parents can (& should) set & enforce family guidelines based upon family values.“We love and accept our children for who they are; we do not have to accept all their behaviors,” Emily says. “it’s not useful to them.”Don’t take your child’s words or behavior personally.“Kids are going to do things we don’t like. That’s part of growing up,” Emily says.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Emily discuss:What is autonomy-supportive parenting?The link between control, competence, & confidenceAutonomy & interdependence“Lazy parenting”An autonomy-supportive approach to screen time, gaming, & social mediaSetting boundaries for respectful communicationWhat to do when your child says “I hate you”School strugglesBelieving your son’s value beyond academicsHow cultural expectations affect parentingLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children, by Emily Edlynnwww.emilyedlynnphd.com — Emily’s websiteThe Art & Science of Mom — Emil’s SubstackBuilding Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males — Jen’s bookGemma Gaudette Talks About Raising Boys — ON BOYS episodePositive Parenting Solutions with Amy McReady — ON BOYS episodeletgrow.org – organization founded by Lenore Skenazy (of Free Range Kids fame) that’s “leading the movement for child independence”Psychologists Off the Clock — Emily’s podcastSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off Sponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.Our Sponsors:* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com* Check out BetterHelp and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://www.betterhelp.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, you can call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for help in the United States. Call 988 or 800-273-TALK (8255). The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is open 24 hours a day, every day. Services are also available en espanol.AnneMoss Rogers’ son Charles was “the life of the party.” He loved dogs, people, & games. And he died of suicide at age 20.Statistically, Charles’ story is all too common. Suicide is the second leading cause of death for 10-24 year olds, with boys and young men representing 80% of all youth suicide deaths. 22% percent of high school students reported seriously considering suicide in 2021, and 10% of youth in grades 9-12 said they’d made at least one suicide attempt. So although everything looked rosy in Charles’ life — he was one of the most popular kids in his high school, elected to Homecoming Court as a sophomore — he was struggling behind the scenes.His family knew he had a sleep disorder and his mom suspected a mental health disorder beyond anxiety, but she didn’t detect any depression — and others brushed off her concerns.Substance Use Can Mask DepressionLike many teens, Charles started using drugs & alcohol. What Anne didn’t realize at the time was that he was using substances to numb his pain and suicidal thoughts. He also participated in risk stunts.“When your child starts taking all these unnecessary, scary risks, it is a sign of depression,” AnneMoss says.Support for Parents of Struggling TeensIf you sense your child is struggling, seek support. Even if you don’t yet have a diagnosis or can’t “name” the problem. Don’t second guess yourself. “Go with your gut,” AnneMoss says. “Don’t let your brain talk you out of what you know if your gut.”She recommends the following resources:NAMI — National Alliance on Mental Illness (has support groups for parents!)Families Anonymous — 12 step support group for family & friends of individuals with drug, alcohol or related behavioral issuesSmart Recovery — includes in-person & virtual meetings for family & friends of addicted individualsCRAFT — Community Reinforcement and Family Training, which helps family members relate to individuals with addiction“These are not groups where you sit around and you hold hands and you sing Kumbaya,” AnneMoss says. They are places where parents can share their fears freely & receive essential support and advice. “When something happens, these are the people who know the best places to take your child — who is taking appointments, who the best therapists are — because they are using those resources too.”She encourages all parents, teachers, and others working with a struggling or troubled teen to “stick with the process.” Don’t give up; listen. Stay engaged. All struggling humans need and want to know that someone cares.In this episode, Janet, & Anne discuss:Warning signs of depression & suicidal ideationWhy you should trust your gutWhere to get help & supportWhy you must practice asking, “Are you thinking of suicide?”Why tough love isn’t the necessarily the right choiceGiving yourself credit as a parentMutual careLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:mentalhealthawarenesseducation.com — Anne’s website (jam-packed with resources!)Diary of a Broken Mind: A Mother’s Story, A Son’s Suicide, & the Haunting Lyrics He Left Behind, by Anne Moss Rogers & Charlie RogersEmotionally Naked: A Teacher’s Guide to Preventing Suicide & Recognizing Students at Risk, by Anne Moss Rogers & Kimberly H. McManama O’Brien Loving Someone With Suicidal Thoughts — ON BOYS episodeWhat You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide — ON BOYS episodeTroubled Boys (w Kenneth Rosen) — ON BOYS episode about wilderness therapyAnother View of Wilderness Therapy — ON BOYS episodeLisa Damour on the Emotional Lives of Teens — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more. Our Sponsors:* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Supporting LGBTQ+ kids helps them become healthy adults.Jo Langford is a father, therapist, and author of The Pride Guide: A Guide to Social and Sexual health for LGBTQ Youth and Spare Me “The Talk!” (for both boy-identified and girl-identified youth). He helps kids and parents navigate sexuality, gender, media, and technology.Supporting LGBTQ+ KidsRule of thumb: Never out someone. The decision to disclose (or not disclose) one’s sexual orientation is an individual one. You should not out anyone without their consent, Jo says.Kids, however, may unintentionally or deliberately reveal private information about friends and acquaintances, and when that happens, the child whose privacy has been violated may feel distress. Sadly, some kids are still bullied for their sexual orientation or gender identity.One of our jobs as parents is “to protect our kids,” Jo says. Unfortunately, we can’t control the behavior of others, so “one way of doing that with a queer kid is letting them know that there are places and times that may be more dangerous to you,” he says. You may need to discuss things such as potential reactions to holding hands in public in particular cities or countries.Jo also says it’s important for parents to queer kids to become part of the queer community — to familiarize yourself with the history, culture, and traditions of the community. “Support the art and companies and jump into that with your kid,” he says.If you’re navigating evolving gender identity, give yourself grace. Even the most accepting, supportive parents, family members, and loved ones struggle with pronouns and language, especially at first. Do your best. Apologize when you get it wrong. Educate yourself. You can even say to your child, “Tell me what words to use. What do you want me to say when I talk to other people about you?”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jo discuss:Supporting LGBTQ+ kids who are being bulliedPersonal pronouns, trans kids, & evolving languageWhen to involve the school or other parentsTalking about marijuana, pot, cannabisWhy Gen Z is so anxious Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:behereos.net — Jo’s website, featuring his talks, speaking schedule & free downloads (including Porn: The Guide to a Healthy Grab-It Habit)Spare Me ‘The Talk!’: A Guy’s Guide to Sex, Relationship, and Growing Up, by Jo LangfordThe Pride Guide: A Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth, by Jo Langford21st Century Sex Ed w Jo Langford –– ON BOYS episodeWhich Apps are APPropriate? (w Jo Langford) — ON BOYS episode Sponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more. Our Sponsors:* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com* Check out BetterHelp : https://www.betterhelp.com/* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Gender equity begins at home.Policies matter, of course, but not as much as parenting.Think about that for a moment. Parents need to think & talk about gender stereotypes and expectations because those stereotypes and expectations affect our parenting, says Shelly Vaziri Flais, a pediatrician, mom of four, and author of Nurturing Boys to Be Better Men: Gender Equality Starts at Home. Gender also affects our boys’ experiences in the world, so if we don’t consciously consider gender in our parenting — and strive for equity — we may end up intentionally perpetuating the same stereotypes that have historically limited women and men."It's about nurturing the child as a whole human being," Dr. Shelly says.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dr. Shelly discuss:Equity vs. equalityGender stereotypes & expectationsAddressing parental differences regarding gender-based expectationsHelping boys manage gender stereotypesParenting 4 kids under age 4Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Nurturing Boys to Be Better Men: Gender Equality Starts at Home, by Shelly Vaziri Flais, MDGender Equality, Boys, & Men — ON BOYS episodeThe Gender Equation in Schools — ON BOYS episodeGender Norms Limit Boys (& Girls) — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.Sponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off Our Sponsors:* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com* Check out BetterHelp : https://www.betterhelp.com/* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Boys are twice as likely as girls to be friendless in middle school. And by adulthood, 1 in 5 men say they don’t have any close friends.Friendship matters for guys too – but clearly, boys face some unique challenges. “Boys & men have special challenges because of the image of how they’re ‘supposed to be,'” says Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, a psychologist and author who may be better known as Dr. Friendtastic. Some boys, for instance, love rough & tumble play. But 40% of boys don’t like it & may struggle to connect with other boys who like to roughhouse. Additionally, adult women (including moms and teachers) often misinterpret “play fighting” as real fighting and stop it, even though the involved boys may be forging or solidifying friendships.“We have to be careful about being judgemental of boys’ play and boys’ imagination,” Eileen says.Supporting Boys’ FriendshipsOne of our fundamental jobs as parents, Eileen says, is “teaching them how to be in relationships.”Parents of young boys can help them connect with other children who have similar interests.You “have have a lot of influence on their social lives by creating opportunities,” she says. “Use your deep knowledge of your son & try to figure out what he enjoys doing that he can do with other kids.”That step is especially important if your son doesn’t naturally connect with the kids in his school or neighborhood. “I always, always, always recommend multiple groups of friends, if we can manage it,” Eileen says. “The ups & downs of friendship are inevitable, and we want them to have options.”You can also help boys understand how their actions and words contribute to conflicts, by calmly sharing your observations and asking them to share their perspective and imagine their friends’ perspective. If you son has hurt someone physically or emotionally, asking “what can you do to help him feel better?” both underscores the importance of relationship repair and helps him brainstorm ways to ease his friend’s pain.Keep in mind: Negotiation and compromise don’t become the main way kids’ resolve conflict until age 19. That doesn’t mean you can’t work on those skills before then; you should! It means that kids will continue to need our support to navigate friendship challenges for many years.Janet & her grandson w one of Eileen’s booksIn this episode, Jen, Janet, & Eileen (Dr. Friendtastic) discuss:Common friendship challenges for boysRough & tumble playHelping boys connect with friendsManaging “gun play” and “violent play”The importance of friendshipBullyingForgiveness guidelinesOnline friendshipsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:drfriendtastic.com — includes links to the Dr. Friendtastic podcasteileenkennedymoore.com — includes free articles, videos, & links to all of Eileen’s booksThe Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) — ON BOYS episodeWeapons Play is Okay — Building Boys blog postCommon Sense Guidelines for “Gun Play” — Building Boys blog postTeaching Boys Social Skills — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Essential LabsUse code ONBOYS to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off Our Sponsors:* Check out BetterHelp : https://www.betterhelp.com/* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Jen Lumanlan, author of Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection & Collaboration to Transform Your Family, believes there’s a direct link between parenting and social justice.“The way that we raise our children — the daily interactions that we have with them that seem like they’re about discipline — actually support our children in learning about how power works in families and in our culture,” she says. “That shapes how they go out into the world and treat other people.If we want to move toward a vision of society in which everyone belongs, everyone feels free to be their full, true, whole self, then the work to do that begins at home, in parenting.”Easier Parenting + Powerful ChangeAll behavior is communication. Children’s “behavior that seems mysterious and overwhelming is communicating an unmet need. And when you can understand what that need is, you can support your child in meeting that need,” Jen says. Identifying and meeting your child’s needs can decrease conflict and increase family harmony.Questioning the stories you tell yourself about your child’s behavior is also helpful, as these stories may be inaccurate. It’s more helpful to get curious, as open-minded curiosity can point the way toward solutions that meet both your child’s needs and your own.“This is not just about meeting your child’s needs,” Jen says. “This is about seeing you, as the parent and caregiver, as a person that has needs. And seeing your child as a person with needs. We can hold those with equal thought, care, love, and attention.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jen discuss:Parenting & social justiceThe power of accepting our children as they areIdentifying kids’ needsMeeting basic needsTrue respectHomework resistanceSetting boundariesRest & self-careLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection & Collaboration to Transform Your Family — and the World, by Jen Lumanlanyourparentingmojo.com –– Jen’s website (includes links to her needs quiz & Your Parenting Mojo podcast as well)Parenting, Privilege, & Building A Just World — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Essential LabsUse code ONBOYS to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off Our Sponsors:* Check out BetterHelp : https://www.betterhelp.com/* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Our boys are growing up in public.Between social media, online monitoring, and geo-tracking, our kids’ lives are public in a way ours never were when we were young. Helping kids manage this digital landscape can be a challenge for parents and adults who often worry and frequently ignore the upsides of digital life.“24/7 access to one another is a huge source of stress.”Feeling like you have to be accessible at all times is stressful for our kids. (And us!) But kids also enjoy positive online interactions.“For most kids, there are aspects of their digital lives that are positive, aspects that may be more neutral, and maybe some situations that are causing them anxiety, stress, or sadness,” says Devorah Heitner, author of Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World and Screenwise: Helping Kids Survive (& Thrive) in Their Digital World. Our job as parents, she says, is to help kids figure out how to navigate their digital lives.It’s best to start by looking and listening. Observe your child’s internet use. Ask questions, with genuine curiosity. That’s how “we can really tune into our kids’ discernment,” Devorah says.“We really need to know what our kids think about the group text,” for instance, she says, noting that simply restricting kids’ access to a group text at the first sign of “inappropriate” language or behavior takes away kids’ opportunity to evaluate and decide which conversations are healthy and which are toxic. “It’s often better if they make their own decisions because we’re not going to be there when they get that workplace Slack that’s a little toxic. We need them to be able to make choices.”One thing we can do to support our kids is to remind them that they always have permission to leave uncomfortable interactions.Mentoring vs. monitoringConstantly monitoring our kids’ online interactions and physical whereabouts is stressful for us. You may be able to improve your mental well-being by letting go of the need to always know where your child is and what he’s doing.“Your own mental health & mental load need to take priority,” Devorah says. “It’s important not to get too involved but be there for the big picture.”It’s almost always a bad idea to digitally surveil your kids’ without their knowledge. It is much more powerful to establish boundaries and expectations together. Discuss concerns. Brainstorm ways to to satisfy your mutual concerns.Responding to mistakesKids (and adults) do dumb things online. Instead of coming down harshly, take a moment to a) remember that kids’ brains are still developing and b) consider the context. Overreacting is almost never helpful, Devorah says.“We have to remember that a lot of things, in the moment, can seem funny to the adolescent brain,” she says. Teens also tend to overestimate the rewards & under-estimate the risks of their actions. They need us to support and empathize with them.Helping our kids navigate the digital world “is not easy,” Devorah admits. It helps to remember that “you’re not alone, and you can talk to other people about it.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Devorah discuss:Coping with our fears of the internet & social mediaWhy eliminating your kid’s access to the social media may not be a good ideaGuiding kids through online interactionsMentoring vs. monitoringThe “Right to Be Forgotten“Kids’ “rules” for social media use & digital sharingKids’ vs. parents’ concerns about growing up in publicRespecting kids’ privacy onlineLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World, by Devorah Heitnerdevorahheitner.com — Devorah’s websiteThe Fight for Your Kids’ Brains Has Already Begun — NYT newsletter referenced in this conversationManaging Screen Time –– ON BOYS episodeScreenwise: Helping Kids Survive (& Thrive) in Their Digital World — Devorah’s first bookScreens & Boys — ON BOYS episodeRaising Kids to Thrive in a Connected World w Jordan Shapiro — ON BOYS episodeiGen – ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Essential LabsUse code ONBOYS to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off Sponsor Spotlight: Smart for LifeUse code ONBOYS20 for 20% off your next orderOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How do you calm the chaos in your household?Big emotions, power struggles, and challenging behaviors can create (& feed!) chaos, affecting the entire family. And it’s next to impossible for anyone to operate at their best in a constant state of chaos.“I felt like an absolute failure for the first seven years” of parenting, says Dayna Abraham, author of Calm the Chaos: A Fail-Proof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids. “The calls from school were coming daily. My son was kicked out of school more days than he was in school.”Roadmap to CalmThere are 5 steps (or stages) on the roadmap to calm, Dayna says:Ride the storm. In this stage, you hunker down instead of trying to fix or solve. “Instead of ‘doing,’ you are literally just getting to safety.” she says. (Note: What is a Category 3 storm for you may be a Category 1 storm for someone else, and that’s okay. Ride out the storm!)Time & energy reserves. Most people want to skip this stage and move straight to problem-solving. But if you don’t refill your energy reserves, you will not have the energy or stamina required to move forward. This stage is about building small habits that boost your energy – & removing things that drain you.The moment. This is when you start thinking about how you’re going to respond when certain behaviors or situations arise. It’s when you figure out, “How do I show up that diffuses that situation faster and minimizes damage?” Dayna says. “How do I stay connected & curious in the moment?” Resist the urge to catastrophize.Stop storm chasing. Now, you can get ahead of the “chaos causer” — the topic or issue that’s triggering a lot of stress and chaos. Focus on ONE THING, and work collaboratively with your child to address it.Teamwork. Get the whole family together to create an “ecosystem” that supports calm. Discuss each of your unique needs and figure out how you can support one another. During this stage, kids learn how to pay attention to each other’s needs, struggles, likes, and dislikes. “When you can understand and predict each other’s ups and downs, things get a lot easier,” Dayna says.Unfortunately, “a lot of the advice out there starts at what I call Stage 4 or Stage 5,” Dayna says. What happens when you jump to problem-solving — & skip the first three stages — is that you and your kids aren’t ready for change & you all quickly become overwhelmed. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dayna discuss:Unhelpful online parenting adviceParenting challenging boysHow catastrophizing affects our parentingManaging our body language and tone of voiceWhy you should greet your son like a puppyThe 1-1-1 strategy that can help you respond in the heat of the momentLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Calm the Chaos: A Fail-Proof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids, by Daya Abrahamcalmthechaosbook.com — includes links to Dayna’s bonus materiallemonlimeadventures.com — Dayna’s websiteConstant Chaos Parenting w ADHD — ON BOYS episodeHow to Be an Unflustered Mom — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Essential LabsUse code ONBOYS to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off Sponsor Spotlight: Smart for LifeUse code ONBOYS20 for 20% off your next orderOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Dr. Lisa Damour is our go-to expert regarding the emotional lives of teens. She is a psychologist & author of The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents, and although her previous two books were a deep dive into the world of girls, she gets boys. Consider this sentence:If a boy “doesn’t feel that he has permission to let people know he’s hurting, it’s a good bet that he will discharge his unwanted emotions by acting out.”That one sentence – found on page 52 of the hardcover edition of her book – explains so much: Boys’ behavior at school. Door slamming, name calling and rule-breaking at home. Neighborhood fights that escalate into violence.“Gender is such a huge force in how gender is expressed, and perhaps even in how emotion is experienced,” Lisa says. And when it comes to emotions, boys in our culture “are absolutely cornered and given so little room to work,” she says. Girls enjoy a “wide emotional highway,” with a lot of latitude to feel and express an array of emotions, while “boys are given a two-lane highway.”Parents, teachers, and others who want to expand boys’ emotional expression, however, need to understand and respect the barriers boys face in their lives. Boys (still) pay a social price when they don’t adhere to the cultural script. Crying may be a natural, human emotion, but in most places, a 5th grade boy who cries at school will face uncomfortable social pressure and may be ridiculed. However, understanding the pressures boys face in society doesn’t mean we have to allow or tolerate rude, hateful, or unkind language or behavior. We can (and should) set expectations.Making Space for Boys’ Emotional ExpressionOne thing Lisa realized, while writing her book, is how strongly our cultural seems to prefer verbal expressions of emotion over physical expression. Many boys & men (and some girls, women, and nonbinary folks) use physical activity to express and process their emotions Shooting basketball hoops, running laps, or banging on an old filing cabinet are perfectly acceptable ways to discharging and expressing emotion.“If it brings relief and does no harm, it’s a good coping strategy,” Lisa says, noting that many boys also use music to express and regulate emotions.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Lisa discuss:Why we must consider gender when talking about & teaching emotional regulationThe role of men in helping boys express feelingsHow boys police each others’ emotional expressionEstablishing expectations and boundariesBullyingCodeswitchingWhy it “sucks to be a 6th grade boy”Supporting boys’ interestsConstructive conflictSetting the stage for successful conversations w boysExpanding boys’ emotional toolkitLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:drlisadamour.com – Lisa’s websiteThe Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents — Lisa’s latest book (get the free parent discussion guide here)Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting  – podcast hosted by Lisa Damour & Reena NinanTeen Boys’ Emotional Lives — ON BOYS episodeManaging Emotions — ON BOYS episodeNonverbal Communication with Boys — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Smart for LifeUse code ONBOYS20 for 20% off your next orderSponsor Spotlight: Herbal-zzZs Use code ONBOYS25 to save 25% site-wideSponsor Spotlight: Essential LabsUse code ONBOYS to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Crisis and catastrophe no longer seem so rare.There were 51 school shootings that resulted in injury or death in 2022. Wildfires are destroying communities and affecting air quality. Hurricanes, heat, infectious disease (malaria is back in the U.S & COVID-19 infections are rising), increasing rates of depression and suicide…it’s a lot. And that’s on top of the now-typical anxiety many parents and kids feel about school and sports performance.“We, as parents and caregivers of kids, are constantly confronted by the low to loud crises and catastrophic conditions in our lives,” says Stephanie Malia Krauss, author of Whole Child, Whole life: 10 Ways to Help Kids Live, Learn, & Thrive. The question we’re faced with is, How do we support kids in challenging times? Whole Child, Whole Life Approach to ThrivingParents & educators can take comfort in the fact that there are core practices that support health, healing, learning, & development, all at the same time. Work on these 5 categories:Safe & supported. Physical and emotional safety are essential to kids’ well-being. How can you help your child feel safe & supported? (The answer may be different for each child.)Rooted & connected. Do your children feel connected to and valued within a community? Do they feel settled?Healthy & healing. How is your child’s physical and emotional health? Is he getting the support he needs for his body & brain? Sleep? Exercise? Nutrition?Learning & growing. Novelty is actually a basic need for children, Stephanie says. Support & encourage kids’ curiosity, imagination, and learning.Living with joy & purpose. Does your child’s life include joy & purpose? How can you include more joy & purpose?“Those five conditions of thriving will protect and support a kid even in catastrophe or crisis,” Stephanie says. She reminds parents that “we have so much power to create conditions that will help our kids weather adversity.”Taking time to meet your own needs is another way you can help your kids thrive. “Thriving begets thriving,” Stephanie says, “and it is even more contagious than anxiety.”In this episode, Jen & Stephanie discuss:Navigating ever-changing, new challengesManaging our anxietyHyper- and hypo-alertness as response to stress“Customizing calm”Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:“Whole Child, Whole Life” w Stephanie Malia Krauss — ON BOYS episodeWhole Child, Whole Life: 10 Ways to Help Kids Live, Learn, & Thrive, by Stephanie Malia Kraussstephaniemaliakrauss.com — Stephanie’s websiteSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Smart for LifeUse code ONBOYS20 for 20% off your next orderSponsor Spotlight: Herbal-zzZs Use code ONBOYS25 to save 25% site-wideSponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

What do college students think about masculinity? About fatherhood? About the trauma & violence faced by men in society?Kevin Roy, a family science professor at the University of Maryland (& father of 3 sons), encourages his students to discuss these topics (& more) in his popular class, “Man Up.”“Young women come in saying, ‘what is going on with guys?'” Kevin says. “The young men who take the course are really interested in exploring different ways of thinking about, ‘what is it to be guy?'”Discussing “Toxic Masculinity”A lot of people enter the class with the impression that “masculinity is toxic. That men, by nature, do horrible things,” Kevin says, noting that many students (both male and female) have had negative experiences with men prior to his class.He uses a public health lens to help students explore the idea that, “Men aren’t toxic by nature or nurture. What’s toxic is men’s choices and behaviors that are harmful.” He helps students explore and understand the threats men face to their masculinity, as well as the ways men may respond.One thing many students don’t understand at the beginning of class is that “men never feel safe in their masculinity,” Kevin says. “They’re always challenged; you always have to earn it and you can always be called out.”Helping Boys Consider FatherhoodModeling may be the best way to help boys understand the roles and responsibilities of fatherhood, Kevin says, noting that it’s most helpful if boys see fathers engaged in the gamut of parenting — feelings and all.“If we want our boys to be that way, we have to be that way with them now,” he says. Exposure to men in caregiving roles outside of the house — teacher, childcare provider, nurse — are also helpful.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kevin discuss:Young people’s hunger to discuss masculinityThe diversity of the fatherhood experienceThreats to masculinityBody image pressureBoys’ friendshipsMaking space for dads to connectMarriage and fatherhoodLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:We Must Expand that Definition of Masculinity for White, Cisgender Men: ‘Ted Lasso’ Offers a Guide – Baltimore Sun op-ed by KevinNurturing Dads: Fatherhood Initiatives Beyond the Wallet, by by William Marsiglio & Kevin Roy Body Image, Eating Disorders, and Boys — ON BOYS episodeGender Equality, Boys, & Men — ON BOYS episode with Richard V. ReevesDads Matter (w Marion Hill) — ON BOYS episodeThe New Masculinity — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Smart for LifeUse code ONBOYS20 for 20% off your next orderSponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off  Sponsor Spotlight: TonieBoxUse code ONBOYS to save 15%  Sponsor Spotlight: Herbal-zzZs Use code ONBOYS25 to save 25% site-wideOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

What do boys need to know about birth, babies, and breastfeeding? A lot more than we’re currently teaching them. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC), 83.2% infants born in 2019 (the last year for which data is available) started out receiving some breast milk, and 78.6% were receiving any breast milk at 1 month. At 6 months, 55.8% of infants received any breast milk and 24.9% received breast milk exclusively. Breastfeeding rates tend to decline over time due to systemc medical and cultural barriers, says Lo Nigrosh, a birth doula and a international board certified lactation consultant.Think about it: Boys who don’t learn about birth, babies, or breastfeeding grow up into men who who don’t understand birth, babies, or breastfeeding. Some will become fathers who unwittingly undercut their partners’ confidence. Some will become employers and legislators who pass policies and laws that don’t consider the realities of birth and infant feeding.“Unless we specifically teach boys about breastfeeding” and birth, then they aren’t going to know about it or be able to provide the physical, logistical, and emotional support their future spouses, partners, and friends may need, says Lo, who also hosts The Milk Making Minutes podcast. Guys “aren’t just going to magically understand milk supply once they become adults, if we don’t start this education early and don’t expose them to all types of baby feeding.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Lo discuss:Why boys need to know about birth, babies & breastfeedingHow to talk to & teach boys about breastfeeding and other infant feeding techniquesSupporting boys who play with dolls and mimic breastfeedingTeaching boys about menstruation & female reproductionWhy robotic babies may not be the best way to teach boys (or girls) about families & infant careLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:The Milk Making Minutes podcast — Lo’s podcastwww.quabbinbirthservices.com – Lo’s websiteBuilding Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males — Jen’s bookSecrets of the Elephants — documentary seriesBuffy & Big Bird breasfeeding clipSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Herbal-zzZs Use code ONBOYS25 to save 25% site-wideSponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more. Sponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

You don’t want to raise an asshole. None of us do!Melinda Wenner Moyer, a science journalist, author, and mom of two, says that science can show us the way. In 2021, she published How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes: Science-Based Strategies for Better Parenting – from Tots to Teens.Melinda is up front about the fact that raising a non-asshole is a long term project. Kids, she notes, are supposed to be assholes sometimes.“We feel like — and I think that sometimes society tells us — that ‘good parenting’ is kids that are always obedient, never speak unless spoken to, and never break the rules,” she says. “And that is so not true.”Kids’ brains are still developing, so it takes time for them to develop impulse control. Additionally, skills — including social and interpersonal skills — are learned over time.Over-Reacting to Boys’ “Bad” Behavior Doesn’t HelpIn our quest to raise non-assholes, many of us are quick to react when young boys say or do something sexist or racist. And while it’s correct to call out the behavior, a harsh, punitive response is not necessarily the best choice.“Ultimately, in these moments, what we want to be doing is teaching out kids. We want to use this as an opportunity for growth,” Melinda says. “And if we come down really hard — how dare you say that! — that angry sort of reaction can cause boys to shut down. They then go into defensive mode and/or shame; they feel shame for having said it. That makes is really hard for them to be able to engage in a conversation and really be able to learn.”A better approach is to take a deep breath and then start with a question like, What do you mean by that? Then, dig a bit deeper: “I want to hear a little more about that.” Add historical and cultural context as needed, and help your son consider other perspectives.The tendency to harshly punish boys’ mistakes is often counter-productive. Boys need consequences and compassion, not punishment and shame.Supporting Boys’ FriendshipsHumans thrive when they’re part of caring communities. Friendships are an important part of that, but a lot of boys (and men) say they don’t have anyone they can confide in.Boys, like girls, “crave connection,” and young boys typically form close, loving bonds with their friends. But over time, most boys’ friendships become more superficial, less intimate. “The irony,” Melinda says, “is that they’re pulling away from their friends to be accepted as a boy.”It’s important to remember, though, that male friendships may look different than female friendships. Boys & men may express intimacy intimacy and connection differently than most girls and women – and that’s okay.“We really have to trust our own instincts in parenting because we know more than we think we do,” Melinda says.In this episode, Jen & Melinda discuss:The genesis of Melinda’s book, How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t AssholesWhy asshole-y behavior is perfectly normal (and developmentally appropriate) as kids growAllowing kids to see our imperfection & vulnerabilityResponding to offensive, sexist, racist, & misogynistic commentsWhy lying is an important developmental milestoneNatural & logical consequencesMale loneliness & friendshipUsing TV shows & pop culture to discuss values & behaviorLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes: Science-Based Strategies for Better Parenting – from Tots to Teens, by Melinda Wenner MoyerIs My Kid the Asshole? – Melinda’s Substack newsletterThe Epidemic of Male Loneliness — one of Melinda’s Substack newsletter postsEnding Sexual Violence by Raising Better Boys — Slate article by MelindaSexism Starts in Childhood — Slate article by MelindaHow to Raise a Decent Human Being — BuildingBoys postThe Truth About Raising Teen Boys — BuildingBoys post (first line: “Are all fourteen year old boys assholes?“)Just Don’t Be an Asshole (w Kara Kinney Cartwright) — ON BOYS episodePhyllis Fagell Discusses Middle School Superpowers — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off Sponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.Sponsor Spotlight: Smart for LifeUse code ONBOYS20 for 20% off your next order Sponsor Spotlight: Herbal-zzZs Use code ONBOYS25 to save 25% site-wide Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Raising Empowered Athletes, by former D1 athlete Kirsten Jones, is the book parents need to navigate today’s youth sports culture.Kids do not need to begin formal sports instruction in preschool, and they don’t need to specialize in a single sport in order to succeed or excel, Kirsten says. In fact, she recommends that kids “try everything” — all kinds of active, physical pursuits, including dance and solo sports – up until age 14 or so. Before that, sports participation should focus on the 3Fs:FriendsFunFundamentalsParents should also resist FOMO, the fear of missing out. Even if other families are opting for elite, travel teams, “you have to do what’s best for your family,” Kirsten says. “It’s a family values discussion. What do you value?”Supporting Boys’ Athletic (& Human) DevelopmentIt can be hard to find coaches and teams that will support your son’s long-term development. Many teams (and coaches) are focused on winning at present, and may not have the time, resources, desire, or skills to nurture the development of boys who are undersized or still developing. You can support your son by finding ways to keep him physically engaged and working toward his long-term goals. Ideally, you’ll find him a coach (or coaches) who will value his determination, dedication, and skills. That, Kirsten admits, can be difficult.Helping your son connect with a mentor — another boy who’s a few years or a level ahead of him, athletically — is one way to support his athletic development. “It’s really powerful,” Kirsten says, “to hear a peer say, I’ve been there, I’ve overcome that injury.'” Mentoring a younger athlete also helps older boys develop their skills and confidence.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kirsten discuss:How youth sports got so out of controlResisting early specialization & FOMOEncouraging physical activityHelping kids advocate for themselvesSupporting late bloomers in sportsHealthy sports parentingHow parents undermine kids’ confidence & skill developmentLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Raising Empowered Athletes: A Youth Sports Parenting Guide for Raising Happy, Brave, and Resilient Kids, by Kirsten JonesRaising Athletes podcastkirstenjonesinc.com — Kirsten’s websiteWhole Child Sports: An Alternative to Toxic Youth Sports Culture — ON BOYS episodeLinda Flanagan: Youth Sports are Out of Control — ON BOYS episodeHealthy Sports Parenting — ON BOYS episodeStephen Curry: Underrated — Apple TV show mentioned in episodeSponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.Sponsor Spotlight: Herbal-zzZs Use code ONBOYS25 to save 25% site-wideOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Middle school students are “superheroes in the making,” says Phyllis Fagell, a school counselor, mom, and author of Middle School Superpowers: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times.If that sounds crazy to you, consider this: middle schoolers and superheroes “both get catapulted out of a world they know and sent on a jarring (& occasionally scarring) journey. At the start…they’re strangers to themselves and can feel as if their own bodies have betrayed them,” Phyllis says.Middle School Boys Need Time to MatureRemember: boys’ mature cognitively, physically, and emotionally at a different pace than girls. Generally speaking, boys take longer to mature, so it’s not fair (or helpful) to expect tween boys to consistently think, act, and behave in a mature manner. Many middle school-aged boys have difficulty regulating their emotions, organizing their spaces and time, and communicating with others, but that doesn’t mean those same boys won’t grow up to be amazing humans. They simply need time to grow — and appropriate love and support.“Middle school boys are not the final product,” Phyllis says. “Their skills are still developing, they’re still figuring out who they are, and what they need and can give. Our job is to approach them with curiosity, rather than judgment.”“Super Bounce” & How Boys Can Learn From MistakesAlthough their actions and behavior may suggest otherwise, “every middle school boy wants to do the right thing, wants to be seen as capable and kind and compassionate,” Phyllis says. “They do not want adults [or their peers] to think poorly of them.”Their impulsivity and immaturity sometimes (maybe even often) leads them to behave in ways that hurt others (or themselves). While it’s important to not shield boys from the consequences of their actions, punishment is not the best way to help middle school boys learn from mistakes or poor choices.“If you are too harsh or punitive — especially if the consequence doesn’t match or have any kind of logical connection to whatever the mistake was — that kid is going to get stuck in shame,” Phyllis says. “We want them to learn, not get so stuck or paralyzed that they can’t learn.”Instead of berating boys for their actions, encourage self-reflection and restitution. One question that can help boys self-reflect on their behavior: Were you your best self? In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Phyllis discuss:Tween development – & how today’s tweens are different than their predecessorsSetting tweens up for successSupporting boys’ friendshipsA boys who sneaks out of bed to play video gamesAn app to help tweens develop their superpowersLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:PhyllisFagell.com — Fagell’s online home. Includes blog posts and links to her speaking schedule.Middle School Superpowers: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times, by Phyllis FagellMiddle School Matters: The 10 Skills Kids Need to Thrive in Middle School & Beyond, by Phyllis FagellMiddle School Matters with Phyllis Fagell — ON BOYS episodeThe Gender Equation in Schools — ON BOYS episode featuring Jason Ablin (who’s mentioned by Phyllis in this episode)Sponsor Spotlight: Herbal-zzZs Use code ONBOYS25 to save 25% site-wide   Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Body image concerns and eating disorders affect boys too. As many as 75% of adolescent boys are dissatisfied with their bodies. 3% are now using steroids in an attempt to alter their bodies, 7% use supplements, and a 2019 study found that 1 in 5 guys aged 18-24 had an eating disorder due to a desire to enhance muscles.Boys, like girls, need help developing a healthy body image and healthy habits.Eating Disorders May Be Missed in BoysTo date, the “vast majority of body image and eating disorder research has focused on thinness and weight loss, particulary in females. Very few people are doing research on or have a great understanding of body image pressures for boys, which often drive young people to be more muscular, bigger, and bulkier,” says Jason Nagata, MD, MSc, associate professor of pediatrics in the division of adolescent and young adult medicine at UC – San Francisco.While still in medical school, Nagata met a 16 year old boy who was a wrestler.“He’d been suffering for years, checking his weight and himself in the mirror several times a day. His parents thought something wasn ‘t right, so they brought him in to his primary care pediatrician, who eventually brought him into the eating disorder clinic,” Nagata said.Two-and-half-years, however, had elapsed before the boy was diagnosed with an eating disoder, and during that time, he “suffered a lot and had some pretty serious medical complications that required hospitalization,” Nagata says.At the time, there was “almost nothing in the literature” about boys & eating disoders, and the guidelines for medical management of eating disorders focused on girls & women.Eating disorders in boys & men may also be missed because many unhealthy behaviors — such as fasting for 24 hours or sweating off water weight — are “completely normalized” in certain sportsHow Eating Disorders Present in Boys“Because the masculine ideal has become increasingly large and muscular, many boys are doing muscle-enhancing behaviors” to try to achieve that, Jason says.Signs of an eating disorder in boys may include:Overconsumption of protein while restricting carbs & fatUsing supplements to increase muscularityExcessive or compulsive exerciseFinding Help for Eating Disorders & Body Image ConcernsIf you suspect your son may struggle with disordered eating or excessive exercise, schedule an appointment with your son’s primary care provider.Unfortunately, “there’s a lack of training on eating disorders in general, and even more so for eating disorders in boys and men,” so you may need to very explicitly share your concerns and suspicions with your provider, and advocate for appropriate assessment.In this episode, Jen & Jason discuss:The 3 biggest influences on boys’ body imageHow eating disorders present in boysConditions that may predispose boys to muscle dysmorphia and eating disordersSeeking help for eating disordersProtein overconsumptionDietary supplementsSupporting healthy habitsLong-time health impact of eating disordersLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:nagatalab.ucsf.edu — Nagata Lab website (includes links to research & news articles about eating disorders in boys & men, screentime in adolescents & young adults, & much more)Helping Boys Develop Healthy Body Image — ON BOYS episodeBoys & Body Image — ON BOYS episodeBoys Get Eating Disorders Too — ON BOYS episodeNational Eating Disorder Association — includes links to help Sponsor Spotlight: TonieBoxUse code ONBOYS to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: Essential LabsUse code ONBOYS to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: IndipopSubscription-based healthcareSponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more. Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Yes, you can be an unflustered mom.Identifying your anxiety style is the first step, says Amber Trueblood, a mom of four boys (currently ages 10, 12, 14, & 15) and author of The Unflustered Mom: How Understanding the Five Anxiety Styles Transforms the Way We Parent, Partner, Live, and Love.“Anxiety is not one-size-fits-all. It doesn’t look the same for everybody,” Amber says. “What you’re trigged by is going to be different for what triggers someone else emotionally.”Five Anxiety StylesAmber says there are 5 primary anxiety styles:The Fighter. Fighters “see themselves as survivors and protectors,” Amber says. They are compelled to act if they perceive a problem, and tend be more comfortable in chaos & challenge than in peace.The Visionary. Visionaries are all about making a deep impact on the world. They feel anxious when others don’t understand (or see) their vision, or when life events prevent progress.The Dynamo. Dynamos want achievement, recognition, and respect. They tend to be do-ers.The Executive. Executives are driven by the need to feel emotionally safe. They are forward-thinking planners and organizers.The Lover. Lovers are driven by relationships. They want and need to feel loved, appreciated, and valued.Each has different emotional triggers and responds best to differing interventions and coping strategies. Each also has superhero traits that you can harness.Learning how to manage your anxiety style can help you be a better, more effective parent.“The more that you can be unflustered, the better you’re going to sleep and take care of your physical health. You’ll be able to think more clearly and respond more thoughtfully, consciously, and purposefully in every area of your life,” Amber says.“You can have all the best parenting tools on the planet, but if you’re walking around like a cyclone of emotional instability, fear, anger, regret, and self-doubt, it’s really hard to be the best parent you can be.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Amber discuss:The 5 anxiety stylesCoping strategies tailored to your anxiety styleLife lessons for each anxiety styleJen & Janet’s anxiety stylesHow managing your anxiety can make you a better parentLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:The Unflustered Mom: How Understanding the Five Anxiety Styles Transforms the Way We Parent, Partner, Live, and Love –– Amber’s bookambertrueblood.com — Amber’s website (includes the quiz to identify your anxiety style)Mathew Blades on Healing Generational Trauma — ON BOYS podcastSponsor Spotlight: IndipopSubscription-based healthcare Sponsor Spotlight: McEvoy RanchUse code ONBOYS15 to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Foot Get an exclusive offer with code BOYS20Sponsor Spotlight: Essential LabsUse code ONBOYS to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: ToniesUse code ONBOYS to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Medical expenses are a part of life.  (Particularly if you live in the United States!)Figuring out how to budget and pay for well-child checks, sports physicals, ER and urgent care visits, and recommended screenings is confusing and overwhelming. Health insurance is expensive and difficult to decipher. Independent contractors and entrepreneurs typically don’t have access to group plans, and many available plans simply don’t meet the needs of today’s families.Cost-sharing plans are an alternative for managing medical expenses.How Cost-Sharing Plans Differ From Health InsuranceTraditional health insurance plans transfer the financial risk from individuals to the insurance company. Individuals (or families) pay a monthly premium and are responsible for deductible and co-pays.In contrast, when you sign up for a cost-sharing plan, you become a member of a group that shares the cost of medical needs, says Melissa Blatt, founder & CEO of Indipop. Cost-sharing health plans are also sometimes called “health sharing” plans or “membership” or “subscription” plans. Traditionally, most cost-sharing plans were connected with religious organizations, and many required a statement of faith from members. Today, secular cost-sharing plans are available to individuals and families.With cost-sharing plans, your deductible doesn’t automatically reset each year; physical therapy that’s needed in January due to a surgery or injury that happened in December is not considered separately or subject to a new deductible.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Melissa discuss:Cost-sharing plans vs. traditional health insuranceWhat to consider when choosing a plan to help with medical expensesHow a cost-sharing plan can help you control healthcare costsComparing health plansPre-existing conditionsHealthcare costsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:indipop.co — Indipop websiteHow to Reduce Medical Costs for Your Child — Building Boys postSponsor Spotlight: IndipopSubscription-based healthcare Sponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.Sponsor Spotlight: Essential LabsUse code ONBOYS to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: McEvoy RanchUse code ONBOYS15 to save 15%   Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Now is the best time to raise boys, says psychologist Michael Reichert, founding director of the Center for the Study of Boys’ & Girls’ Lives, author of How to Raise a Boy, and co-author of Equimundo’s recent State of American Men report. It doesn’t feel that way to many parents (or boys), though. Recently, for the first time in recorded history, a majority of expectant American parents expressed a preference for a female child because boys’ lives are “too uncertain.”“There’s such a cloud of pessimism that hangs over raising a boy,” Reichert says. But over the course of his career, Reichert has seen “a revolution in the willingness to apply science to the project of male development.” Researchers, educators, and parents are beginning to seriously think about how to best support boys.Connection is CrucialAt present, 2/3 of American men ages 18-23 says “no one really knows me well.” That’s a problem because humans who are not in relationship with others who know them well are dangerous to themselves and others.Human beings are relational learners, and boys, in particular, need connection to thrive. “Boys will give up trying if they don’t believe that someone really ‘get them’ and cares about how they’re doing,” Reichert says.Boys may appear to resist relationships (especially with teachers), but often, that resistance is grounded in past experience. By late elementary school, many boys have already concluded that most people don’t genuinely care about them — so, they resist adult efforts to connect, in an effort to protect themselves. “Consequently, the boy is misunderstood as someone who is unavailable for relationship,” Reichert says, which “compounds that problem and exacerbates the cycle.”Yet many parents believe that boys’ noisy resistance should be “met by an exercise of force or domination,” such as threat, punishment, scolding, or shaming, he says. But that’s precisely when boys most need connection and compassion.“The long game in parenting a boy who’s having trouble behaving is to help that boy express what’s driving his behavior” and help him develop emotional awareness and self-regulation skills, Reichert says.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michael discuss:Parental anxiety re raising boysMale motivationHow teachers & parents misunderstand boysBoys’ developmental precarityHelping boys self-regulateConnecting with young adult malesDeveloping boys’ emotional strengthYour secret parent superpowerLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:michaelcreichert.com — Michael’s website (includes contact information)State of American Men reportIs This the Best Time to Be Raising a Boy? — Building Boys Bulletin 5-29-23I Won’t Learn From You: And Other Thoughts on Creative Maladjustment, by Herbert KohlHere’s What I’ve Learned About Raising Boys in My 30 Years as a Child Psychologist — Self article by MichaelHow to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men — Michael’s bookHow to Raise a Boy (with Michael Reichert) — ON BOYS episodeChimp Empire — Netflix seriesSponsor Spotlight: McEvoy RanchUse code ONBOYS15 to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: June’s JourneyDownload via iOS or AndroidAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Sue Atkins encourages parents to slow down, relax, & learn from their children.“We are rushing through life,” says the UK parenting guru.. “We rush everything — we rush our children to eat their breakfast, to do their shoes up, to brush their teeth. And I think children have got something to teach us, because they just don’t worry about those things. They take their time.”Atkins also encourages parents to “exude confidence” — even if they’re not feeling 100% confident — via their voice & body language. She also reminds parents that they’re doing a better job than they probably think.“If you’re kind; if you’re loving; if you have firm, fair, consistent boundaries and the kids know them and know you’ll follow through on consequences, they’ll learn to self-regulate,” she says. “They’ll learn it from you first and then they’ll implement it as they grow and change.”Focus on the big picture and “lighten up a bit,” Atkins says. “Parenting is an adventure.” In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Sue discuss:Sue’s experience of pregnancy & parentingHow to develop patienceWhy self-care isn’t selfishHow to get kids to listenDeveloping parental confidenceTeaching kindnessUnmotivated teenage/young adult malesLetting boys make mistakesManaging disrespectParenting after divorceScreen time (Spoiler alert: Better to balance than ban!)How to avoid overreacting to boys’ behaviorCreating space to connectLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:sueatkinsparentingcoach.com — Sue’s websiteNonverbal Communication with Boys — ON BOYS episodeMathew Blades on Healing Generational Trauma — ON BOYS episodeLads Need Dads with Sonia Shaljean — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The Whole Child, Whole Life approach can help kids thrive.Stephanie Malia Krauss, a mom of two boys and an author with a background in education and social work, wrote Whole Child, Whole life: 10 Ways to Help Kids Live, Learn, & Thrive because she realized that parents, educators, coaches, community leaders (and so many others!) all need to know how to nurture the whole child. Focusing on certain aspects of a child’s development — say, their academic or athletic development — while neglecting other aspects of the child’s identity can inhibit growth and even inflict harm.“Kids bring their whole human selves onto the field and into the school building,” Krauss says. “You might see them as just ‘an athlete’ or ‘a student,’ but that’s not how they’re experiencing every interaction.”Brokenness, shes says, shows up when a child is “persistently and chronically in environments and experiences that ignore, devalue, or demean aspects of themselves. It occurs when kids’ basic needs are not consistently met — when kids spend a lot of time in environments where they feel like they don’t belong.Meeting Boys’ Basic Needs Can Help Them Become WholeAll humans have basic needs that must be met to sustain life. Children have additional basic needs that must be met if they are to thrive.“Children – including tweens and teens — need time for play. They need downtime and they need purpose. They need a sense that they’re in this world for some reason,” Krauss says. Kids, of course, also need sleep, movement, and nutrition, but they need more of some of these things (sleep, for instance) than adults do.Krauss encourages parents and educators to broaden their focus. Instead of aiming for “college and career readiness,” she wants adults to think about “what does this kid need for a long life that they love?” In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Stephanie discuss:Wholeness vs brokeness10 Whole Life practicesAwe & wonderBrain/body connectionNurturing the whole childLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Whole Child, Whole Life: 10 Ways to Help Kids Live, Learn, & Thrive, by Stephanie Malia Kraussstephaniemaliakrauss.com — Stephanie’s websiteMaking It: What Today’s Kids Need for Tomorrow’s World, by Stephanie Malia KraussAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Want to connect with boys? Pay attention to your nonverbal communication.Tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, and even our breathing influence the perception of our words and messages, says Michael Grinder, who’s known as the “father of nonverbal communication.“If you look at someone and make eye contact, it increases the emotions,” he says. “So if you like the emotions, keep the eye contact. If you do not like the emotions, stop making eye contact.”Females tend to enjoy the eye contact, even if it’s combative, Michael says. Males often do not. The heightened state of physiological arousal that accompanies eye contact can make it more more difficult for them to verbally communicate, so many boys and men prefer side-by-side communication to face-to-face communication, especially when talking about tough subjects.Improving your nonverbal communication skills can help you effectively connect with your sons. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michael discuss:Male vs. female perceptions of eye contactHow to make (& use) a Feelings WheelAccommodating different communication preferences3 variables in any negotiationMale & female differences in communicationHow to enlist the village to help your boys communicateCreating places for communicationLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:michaelgrinder.com — Michael’s websiteWhat Do Teenagers Want? Potted Plant Parents — NYT article referenced in this episodeCircles of Humanness –– one of Michael’s YouTube videosMikey – The True Story of Michael GrindrCharisma: Understand the Art of Relationships, by Michael GrinderCircles and Chairs of Negotiation — Michael Grinder YouTube videoThe Nothing Box — YouTube video re the difference between male & female brainsHow to Building Your Village — ON BOYS episodeAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Gemma Gaudette says “we don’t give boys enough credit.”Gemma, host of Idaho Matters & a mom of two sons (currently ages 11 & 15), knows (from personal experience!) that boys can be dramatic & sensitive, even though society has coded those traits as “feminine.” Yet many adults continue to insist on & impose so-called “masculine” expectations on boys, without recognizing the breadth of normal variation.Many adults also react to boys’ behavior based on their experiences with harmful adult males. “There’s an automatic assumption that boys are bad,” Gemma says. “There is an automatic assumption that a boy is a predator…I get very frustrated as a boy mom when we label all boys as ‘bad,’ ‘aggressive,’ as ‘having anger issues,’ because I think that when we do that, at some point, our boys believe that.”Helping boys navigate emotions & relationshipsLike most brothers, Gemma’s boys fight & bicker – often, physically. Given the age & size difference between her sons, she told her oldest son not to engage physically with the younger son. Sensing opportunity, the young one began tormenting his older brother. That led to a fascinating, revealing conversation between Gemma and her 15-year-old, which revealed her son’s deep love and concern for his younger brother. She validated his feelings and reiterated his right to self-protection.“We have to give boys room to breathe, and say that it’s okay sometimes feel aggression,” Gemma says. We then need to talk to them about healthy ways to cope with that feeling. We also need to establish boundaries and (reasonable) behavioral expectations, she says..On giving boys more independenceParental fear can inhibit boys’ independence and hinder the development of confidence and competence. Boys need opportunities to assume responsibility and act autonomously in order to develop responsibility.“We’ve got to give them little baby steps toward autonomy,” Gemma says, “so when we release them ‘into the wild,’ they know how to make good choices.”As her boys have become teenagers, Gemma has shifted toward advising them and encouraging them to consider their options (and the likely consequences of each option) instead of simply telling them what to do. “They need me now to coach them,” she says, “because if we continue to tell them what to do, they’ll never know what to do when we’re not there.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Gemma discuss:Helping boys recognize & navigate gender normsAggression nurturance & roughhousingSetting boundariesModeling & teaching conflict resolutionSociety’s fear of teenage boysTeaching boys mannersGiving boys autonomyWhy Gemma doesn’t use an app or tracker to monitor her boys’ whereaboutsThe mental load of parenting teensLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Boy Moms as Boy Advocates — our previous ON BOYS episode w Gemma“Building Boys:” An Author Interview with Jennifer Fink — Gemma interviews Jen on Idaho MattersRaising Boys — CBSN documentary featuring Jen & GemmaMichael Gurian on Raising Boys –– ON BOYS episodeTeacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotions, & Play — ON BOYS episodeThe Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) — ON BOYS episodeWhat Middle School Boys Need — ON BOYS episode w Jerome HunterAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Advanced parenting may involve guiding a child through a mental health crisis. Or parenting a child with a chronic medical condition. Or both. It’s what parents must do when a child’s needs go beyond basic feeding, sheltering, loving, and nurturing.As a childhood cancer survivor and complex care pediatrician, Dr. Kelly Fradin knows that it’s difficult for parents to balance kids’ physical and mental challenges with the routine logistics of parenting and family life. Healthcare providers and mental health clinicians often don’t have the time they’d like to support parents navigating these complex challenges, so she write a guidebook to help parents: Advanced Parenting: Advice for Helping Kids Through Diagnoses, Differences, & Mental Health Challenges.Parenting Boys Through Health Challenges“Boys struggle just as much as girls with having a challenge that separates them from their friends,” Dr. Kelly says.But while many girls will spontaneously reach out for support and share their emotions with their friends and family, boys will likely need extra parental support to develop their emotional vocabulary.“If they have that emotional literacy of being able to identify and talk about their feelings, they can communicate on a more sophisticated level,” she says, noting that parents (and other adults) must also give boys space and time to experience their emotions. Boys, Dr. Kelly says, need to know that “they don’t have to be strong all the time.” In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kelly discuss:When — and how — to ask questions of healthcare professionals and educatorsEvaluating online sources of health informationTalking to your child about a diagnosisManaging parental anxietyInvolving boys in their medical careManaging medication refusalMaking room for emotionsHelping siblings copePicking your prioritiesLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:drkellyfradin.com — Dr. Kelly’s websiteAdvanced Parenting: Advice for Helping Kids Through Diagnoses, Differences, & Mental Health Challenges, by Dr. Kelly FradinAdvanced Parenting podcast seriesYou Can Thrive with Chronic Illness and Special Needs — ON BOYS episodeParenting Thru Health Challenges — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Midlife parenting often means navigating puberty and perimenopause at the same time.The average age of first parenthood has increased in recent years, so many moms now find themselves going thru perimenopause around the same time their kids hit puberty, according to a 2021 New York Times Parenting Newsletter article titled, When Your Home is a Hormonal Hellscape.And while thinking of your home as a “hormonal hellscape” may not be soothing, it’s refreshing to hear honest talk about midlife parenting.“Sometimes people try to soft pedal the challenges,” says Ann Douglas, author of the best selling MOTHER OF ALL BOOKS series and Parenting Through the Storm, a book about parenting children through psychological problems. “Let’s be real about it.”That’s exactly what Douglas does in her latest book, Navigating the Messy Middle: A Fiercely Honest & Wildly Encouraging Guide for Midlife Women.Similarities Between Puberty & Midlife“When you’re at midlife, you tend to start questioning everything,” Douglas says. “It’s a lot like the identity quest of adolescence.”Understanding that fact may make you more empathetic to the changes (and mood swings!) your child is experiencing. Many midlife adults and teens are asking themselves, How do I fit into the world? Midlife Parents Need Support & Community“I am such a believer in peer support,” Douglas says. “You want to talk to someone who knows just how hard it is – and who won’t judge — and that some from layers and layers of shared experience. We were never meant to go through any life stage on our own.”Support and community can be found online or in person. “You can process a lot of the thinking and learning together,” says Douglas, who believes that her younger self would be surprised to discover what a joyous stage midlife can be. “It literally feels like I was running a marathon for decades – and then suddenly, the race didn’t matter as much and it was more about feeling happy with who I am and my contributions to the world. I feel like I can enjoy and savor.”In this episode, Jen & Ann discuss:Perimenopause as “reverse puberty”How midlife sneaks up on usFeeling invisibleMoney and work at midlifeAddressing perimenopause symptomsReal self-careLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:anndouglas.ca — Ann’s websiteNavigating the Messy Middle: A Fiercely Honest & Wildly Encouraging Guide for Midlife Women, by Ann DouglasWhen Your Home is a Hormonal Hellscape — NYT articleMidlife Reimagined — Ann’s Psychology Today blogParenting Through the Storm: Find Help, Hope, and Strength When Your Child Has Psychological Problems, by Ann DouglasAuthor Ann Douglas on How to Help Boys with Mental Health Problems — Building Boys postTrying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss, by Ann DouglasSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Middle school — and ages 11 to 14 — is “a time like no other!”It’s a time when significant biological, neurological and emotional changes are happening simultaneously.Middle school boys can be a confusing mix. They want to be treated like adults AND still do incredibly silly things. Jerome Hunter, co-founder of the Seattle School for Boys, recalls his middle school experience as a rollercoaster. In 6th grade, he was an enthusiastic learner who was interested in art, sports, math, & music. But as his junior high years went on, he felt the pressure to conform to others’ expectations. Drawing and art fell by the wayside; sports and socializing moved into prominence. Like so many boys, he felt he had to choose socially acceptable interests, and even though he didn’t feel entirely comfortable dropping some of his passions, he (like so many boys) “didn’t have the language to communicate that.”Middle School Boys, Explained“The middle school boy, as he’s getting older, is yearning for autonomy, freedom, and independence,” Hunter says.At the same time, boys ages 10 to 14 (or so) have almost an “unfiltered desire to be part of the world,” Hunter says. They’re also more reflective, informed, and introspective than many people think.“I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of thought they put into their conversations,” Hunter says. When tween boys have safe spaces to connect, and are surrounded by people who truly care about their well-being, they can (and will) dig deep. Especially when boys are surrounded by a spectrum of masculinity.Helping Boys Explore MasculinityBoys do best when they are given opportunities to explore and think about masculinity, instead of simply adopting others’ expectations.“If we can educate young people between the ages of 11 and 14, it can really shift the way society views masculinity and boys, as well as the way they define themselves and interact with the world,” Hunter says. The goal is to empower boys to choose how they act (and interact with others).Making sure boys have structured, safe time for communication is another way to help boys explore masculinity — and can decrease the teasing and insults that are so common among pre-teen and adolescent boys.“Giving boys time for healthy communication will often disrupt some of that unhealthy communication,” Hunter says.3 Skills Every Middle School Boys NeedsAll boys need:Healthy and balanced confidenceTo communicate openly and clearlyTo contribute to their communityIn this episode, Janet & Jerome discuss:Characteristics of middle school boysTween developmentSingle-sex educationSkills every boy needsWhy pre-teen & adolescent boys tease & insult each otherConnecting boys to the larger communityShifting your parenting to as your son growsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:jeromeleehunter.com — Jerome’s website3 Skills Every Middle School Needs — Jerome’s TED talkSeattle School for BoysMy Brothers’ Keeper AllianceBraden Bell Explains Middle School Boys — ON BOYS episodeMiddle School Matters with Phyllis Fagell — ON BOYS episodeTop 6 Tips for Parenting Tween Boys — classic BuildingBoys postSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Mother’s Day is a day to honor the sacrifices mothers make for their children. At least, that was the intent of Anna Jarvis, the founder of Mother’s Day in the United StatesThis year, we’re also celebrating the many ways in which mothering has enhanced our lives. (“You can’t stay stagnant as a human being while you’re a parent,” Jen says.)Parenting is a lot more challenging than most of us expected. And yet, raising kids is an awesome, enriching experience.Mothering & Learning to Let GoParenting “by the books” is exhausting — and often ineffective. Our panel of experienced moms have found better luck (and more satisfaction) in tailoring their parenting to their child. And in trusting the process.“Your child is going to grow through whatever stage he is in,” Janet says.Mother’s Day ExpectationsFor many moms, Mother’s Day can be stressful. We want to be appreciated. We might want to relax — alone, or with family. Some moms are grieving the loss of a child, the loss of a parent, or other losses. Sharing your preferences with your family can be helpful.In this episode, Jen, Janet, Katie & Brenda discuss:If we wanted boys or girlsHow parenting matched (or didn’t match!) our preconceived notions of parentingOur evolution as parentsSleep challengesGiving boys time to matureSelf-compassion & self-careLetting others helpLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Honoring Dads on Father’s Day (and Always) — ON BOYS episodeBoy Moms as Boy Advocates — ON BOYS episodeAll Boys? — classic Building Boys postSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%       Sponsor Spotlight: FITAIDClean Energy + Sports Recovery. Go to drinkfitaid.com/ONBOYS and get 40% offAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Division 51 of the American Psychological Association launched a Task Force on Boys in School in 2020.Finally!Boys do worse in school, on average, than girls. Boys are more likely to be disciplined, suspended, or expelled than girls — even when their behavior is similar. They’re also less likely to graduate or go onto college and graduate from college.These facts aren’t new. Boys have been struggling for decades. “We are very late to the game,” says Christopher Reigeluth, PhD, an assistant professor in the Division of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at Oregon Health and Science University and chair of the Boys in School task force. “Lots of people are late to the game in this regard. I can take some pride in the fact that we got this task force going and are trying to build awareness of this decades-long issue.”Why It’s Taken So Long to Address Boys’ Issues in SchoolBecause men still predominate in positions of power, many people assume boys are doing just fine.“The light doesn’t get shined on boys and men for their difficulties and issues and mental health struggles the way that it needs to, and those things can get overlooked. And have been overlooked for a long time,” Chris says. Additionally, he says, “the ‘guy code’ doesn’t want there to be acknowledgment of the fact that boys suffer, or boys feel vulnerability and have weaknesses and insecurities, even though everyone does.”Why Boys Struggle in SchoolEducators’ perceptions (and expectations) of boys affect boys’ educational experiences. “Boys as a group experience implicit biases against them,” Chris says.He also believes that boys’ socialization leads many of them to devalue school and education. “a lot of that comes from messages they get about how they should be as guys, and what society tells them is appropriate versus not appropriate behavior,” he says. Boys’ beliefs about masculinity can exacerbate their issues with school.What the Task Force is Doing – & What You Can DoThe task force has created (and is disseminating) a variety of fact sheets:Exploring Boys’ (Mis)BehaviorLearning DisabilitiesHigh Achieving BoysParents and others concerned about boys can also vote for school board members and legislators who care about boys’ issues and education. We can also communicate the importance of education to our boys.Schools and teachers must also create safe, welcoming spaces for boys. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Chris discuss:Chris’ experience as a boy in schoolParenting “underperforming” boysWhat teachers (don’t) learn about boysImplicit bias against boysHow race and gender affect boys’ schoolingHow parents and educators can help boys in schoolLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:www.division51.net/taskforce-on-boys-in-school — Task Force websitechrisreigeluth.com — Chris’ websiteThe Gender Equation in Schools — ON BOYS episodeHow Microschools & Black Moms May End the School to Prison Pipeline — ON BOYS episodeForest Schools Get Boys Learning Naturally — ON BOYS episodeHomeschool Hacks & How to Homeschool Boys –– ON BOYS episodeEmails & Phone Calls from Teachers — ON BOYS episodeHow to Raise a Boy with Michael C. Reichert — ON BOYS episodeThe Masculinity Workbook for Teens: Discover What Being a Guy Means to You — workbook by ChrisAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The New Masculinity: A Roadmap for a 21st Century Definition of Manhood, by Alex Manley, can help boys create their own unique definition of what it means to be a man.With a last name like Manley, it was impossible for Alex to ignore the societal pressures for boys and men to behave in certain ways. But Manley also noticed that “lots of men struggle with masculinity, with trying to live up to an ideal or standard that doesn’t match their lived experience,” they say.Boys and men, Manley says, are caught between traditional definitions and understandings of masculinity, and a future definition that hasn’t been fully defined.Creating a New MasculinityTraditional masculinity is often passed down via a series of “don’ts”: Don’t cry. Don’t walk away from a fight. Don’t break the “bro code” Don’t get friend zoned. Manley wants boys and men to think about how these limitations may be negatively affecting their well-being. Societal expectations that traditionally limit friendships between males and females, and place social responsibility on females’ shoulders, are one reason why so many boys & men are lonely today. And because interpersonal connections are deeply important to human well-being and health, these socially imposed limitations directly contribute to males’ shorter, less healthy lifespans.Creating a new masculinity makes room for boys and men to reclaim their full humanity and live happier, longer, healthier lives.Of course, it’s not easy to challenge (or change) social and cultural expectations. But “the cost of not doing this is a lot more than the cost of doing this,” Manley says. “The long-term benefits of taking action vastly outweigh the short-term negatives.”It’s time, Manley says, for “a masculinity that is not so brittle.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Alex discuss:Changing definitions of masculinityWhy boys & men need female friendsHelping boys expand the “man box”Bro cultureHow to support boysWhat boys learn about pain, injury, health, & self-careBeing a decent human vs. being a “good man” (Alex says, “Being a good man and a good human don’t have to be vastly different concepts.”)Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:alexmanley.com — Alex’s websiteThe New Masculinity. A Roadmap for a 21st Century Definition of Manhood, by Alex ManleyA Silent Crisis in Men’s Health Gets Worse — Washington Post article mentionedThe Fragile Beauty of Male Friendship — Substack post by Richard V. ReevesDads, Boys, & Masculinity — ON BOYS episodeSports & Masculinity — ON BOYS episodeJunior Seau, Sports Illustrated, & Playing Thru Pain — classic Building Boys postSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%       Sponsor Spotlight: FITAIDClean Energy + Sports Recovery. Go to drinkfitaid.com/ONBOYS and get 40% offAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Fostering Connection: Building Social and Emotional Health in Children and Teens is the latest book by Dr. Tish Taylor, a child psychologist with more than 25 years of experience.Fostering connection is also key to boys’ social, emotional, and overall well-being. But how do we teach our boys to connect? How can we best connect with them?Through her work, Dr. Tish noticed certain patterns of behavior in kids, teens, and adults. She dubbed some of these patterns Connectors and others, Disconnectors. The Helpful Coach Connector, for instance, sees smarter and more effective ways to handle a situation and is willing to call a time-out to ponder options.In contrast, the Insulator, a Disconnector, doesn’t want help or constructive criticism.The Insulator is emotionally overwhelmed and wants other to go away!“I tried to simplify things and make it more concrete,” Dr. Tish says, nothing that, “You can see all of these behaviors and patterns in anyone.” Some of the disconnecting behaviors, though, are perhaps more frequently seen in people with ADHD or oppositional defiant disorder (ODD).In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dr. Tish discuss:Connecting vs. disconnecting behaviorsAdults as behavior role modelsManaging feelings of failure and inadequacyDisconnecting behaviors common to ADHD and ODDWhat to do when kids don’t want to apologizeInteracting with a kid who’s in “fight” modeFostering flexible thinkingScreentimeDealing w a morning “grumpmeister”Managing your reactions to your boys’ moddsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:tishtaylor.com — Dr. Tish’s website (includes Connectors & Disconnector cards & images)Fostering Connection: Building Social and Emotional Health in Children and Teens, by Dr. Tish TaylorParenting “Spicy” Boys — ON BOYS episodeTeaching Boys Social Skills — ON BOYS episode w ADHD Dude Ryan WexelblattSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%       Sponsor Spotlight: FITAIDClean Energy + Sports Recovery. Go to drinkfitaid.com/ONBOYS and get 40% offAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Empowering boys and dyslexic learners could positively change so many lives.Jason Kantor, a New York-based homeschool tutor who frequently works with boys and dyslexic learners, believes it’s important to identify kids’ strengths and build them up, so they develop true confidence in themselves and their ability. Especially because so many boys and people with dyslexia attend schools that focus on their flaws and shortcomings, rather than their strengths.“A dyslexic who goes to the public school system can feel tormented because they feel dumb,” Kantor says. “They’re sitting there in class and can’t read and think I’m not catching up with my peers, I’m struggling, everyone thinks I’m lazy and unmotivated.” Eventually, these thoughts and feelings leach motivation, and kids lose confidence in their ability.“You can throw the best reading tips and tools at kids, and have the best teachers, but if kids don’t believe in themselves, they’re not going to learn to read,” Kantor says. To effectively help “failing” or “unmotivated” learners, he said, you must first believe in them – and show them that you believe they can do great things.Nurture Kids’ Interests to Help Them Learn“Most kids don’t care about school, so when they fail, they’re like, whatever,” Jason says. But when kids are given the opportunity to do things that matter to them and fall short of their goals, they tend to keep trying.“It’s easier for kids to swallow failure and bounce back when it’s something they want to get better at,” he says. So, when he works with kids, one of the first things he tries to determine is what they’re interested in and passionate about.Jason encouraged one boy, age 15, to start a pizza business. The boy loved to cook, so Jason encouraged him to “take it to the next level.” He’s since developed a recipe, contacted multiple farmers’ markets, and has 11 scheduled bookings.Encouraging and empowering boys and dyslexic learners allows them to develop resilience and confidence.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jason discuss:Believing in boysSymptoms of dyslexiaConfidence and exploration for dyslexicsIntrinsic motivation & relationshipsBelief and ambitionBuilding self-belief through encouragementLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:@coachjasonkantor — Jason’s Instgram@thejasonkantor – Jason on TwitterSupporting Boys’ Interests — ON BOYS episodeNovel Education for Boys — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: FITAIDClean Energy + Sports Recovery. Go to drinkfitaid.com/ONBOYS and get 40% off  Sponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males is Jen’s second book. Janet says it contains “wise words from a mom who has successfully raised four boys,” “wise words from an author who knows how to weave personal stories with scientific research,” and “wise words from the many experts she’s interviewed” — including many here ON BOYS!The book has been years in the making — years of parenting, learning, pitching, and writing. And it’s applicable to all kinds of families: those raising little boys as well as those raising teens; those raising neurodiverse boys; two-parent families, single-parent families, and more. It’s built around 10 broad guidelines that parents can use to guide their parenting choices & daily interactions:Learn the terrainEmphasize emotional intelligenceDiscuss & demonstrated healthy relationshipsLet him struggleHelp him find & develop his talentsGive him timeChallenge him with chores & caregivingKeep him closeConnect him to the real worldAccept him as he is“I can’t tell you the specific of what to do when your 7-year-old is poking his 4-year-old brother, but I can give you some really good guidelines that you can use to figure out what you want to do next,” Jen says. “What I tried to do in this book is share some of the things that I learned the hard way.”In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:How parenting boys influenced Building BoysWhat Jen’s boys think about the bookWhich chapter Jen wrote firstJanet’s favorite “rule”The pace of male developmentSibling relationshipsMale friendshipFacilitating boys’ interestsThe power of connectionHow bias & racism affect boysHow self-doubt hurts parents of boys (& their sons)Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males, by Jennifer L.W. FinkBuilding Boys Bulletin — Jen’s newsletterThe First-Time Mom’s Guide to Raising Boys — Jen’s first bookWhy You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys’ Bickering – Building Boys blog postHow to Raise a Boy with Michael C. Reichert — ON BOYS episode mentioned during this oneMore Wisdom from Teacher Tom — ON BOYS episode mentioned during this oneCaste: The Origins of Our Discontents, by Isabel WilkersonHow to Build Your Village – ON BOYS episode mentioned during this oneSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Sponsor Spotlight: FITAIDClean Energy + Sports Recovery. Go to drinkfitaid.com/ONBOYS and get 40% off       Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

You can build your village, says Florence Ann Romano.Most of us have heard that “it takes a village” to help children and adults thrive. We also want to know where $%@ the village went! Parenting today — often, far from extended family — can be an isolating experience.You don’t have to do it all alone, though. In her new book Build Your Village: Guide to Finding Joy and Community in Every Stage of Life, Romano, a childcare advocate and former nanny, shows parents how to create and nurture community.Your Village Should Be Unique“Trying to replicate other people’s villages is where we get into a little bit of trouble,” Romano says. We can feel inferior and depleted when we compare our “village” — our support system — to others. But we all have unique needs, skills, and talents, so our villages should look different.“Every family has their own ethos and values,” Romano says.You need to be vulnerable and honest when you begin building (or shoring up) your village. That part can be uncomfortable; it’s hard to admit — even to ourselves — what we need and might be missing. But “asking for help is absolutely imperative,” Romano says.Taking time to identify your passions and personal interests can also help you populate your village. Why not join a local MeetUp group, or volunteer at, say, your local humane society? Interacting with people who share common interests and goals increases the likelihood that you’ll connect with others who “get” you. And that’s a big part of any village.“No matter how old you are, you want to be seen, heard, and understood,” Romano says.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Florence discuss:What 15 years of nannying taught Florence Ann about boysHow the COVID-19 pandemic affected about ability to build villageThe 6 villagers you need in your villageHelping your boys build their villageHow nurturing your friendships can help your boys build a healthy villageHow helping others can help you build your villageHow males build a villageLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Build Your Village: A Guide to Finding Joy and Community in Every Stage of Life, by Florence Ann RomanoHow to Have a Kid and a Life — ON BOYS podcastSponsor Spotlight: FITAIDClean Energy + Sports Recovery. Go to drinkfitaid.com/ONBOYS and get 40% off Sponsor Spotlight: StokkeUse promo code RegisterWithStokke at checkout for a FREE highchair padSponsor Spotlight: RightStart MathematicsRightStart Math Card Games kit makes math fun! Use coupon code OB23RSMPC at RightStartMath.com to get 10% offSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Sponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Jonathon Reed has a lot of experience talking to tween & teen boys. As a program manager with NextGenMen, a Canadian organization dedicated to changing how the world sees, acts and thinks about masculinity, Reed frequently works with boys in grades 6-8. He says that while boys today are more comfortable wearing pink than they were a generation or so ago, they still face pressure to think and act in certain ways.“There’s a lot of ‘boys don’t cry,'” Reed says. “There’s still pressure to get girls or be in a relationship.”Gender Narratives Are Shifting Societal expectations of boys & men are shifting. Consider Iron Man, the superhero. Traditionally, male superheros are supposed to super strong and invulnerable. Iron Man, of course, is strong, but in the Avengers movies, he’s shown as struggling with some anxiety and PTSD symptoms due to the “scary stuff he had experienced while defending New York City,” Reed says.These shifting narratives are part of why it’s so important for adults to listen to boys. Our interpretation and understanding of situations and interactions doesn’t necessarily reflect boys’ complex experiences, and neither does our language or approach.“We’ve got to look to them as the leaders in this conversation,” Reed says.School Stress Affects Many BoysTween and teen boys may seem like they don’t care about school, but many are struggling with academic stress and school-related pressure.“The stress related to academics still looms really large in the lives of young people,” Reed says. We can help boys by reassuring them and reminding them, over and over, that grades and school performance are not a mark of a person’s worth.All boys need validation — perhaps, especially, the boys who are in “the middle of the pack” and aren’t getting accolades for academic or athletic performance. Let go of your preconceived expectations, and look for things to value and affirm in the boys you love and work with.Remember, too, that boys won’t necessarily tell you about their problems. “If boys are struggling, often they’re struggling in silence,” Reed says. “There’s still a stigma against asking for help, particularly when it also means admitting a weakness or a vulnerability.”Approach Conversations with CuriosityTeenage boys (and all humans) tend to shut down and stop listening to people who don’t seem to be listening. By adolescence, most boys know that the world isn’t simply black or white; they’re ready to explore the grey. You’ll have better luck discussing difficult subject if you approach conversations with curiosity, Reed says.“Curiosity lays the possibility for an impactful conversation,” he says. Then, listen. Don’t dismiss what boys are telling you; dwell on the awkwardness they share and express.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jonathon discuss:Gender expectations for boysLearning from boysWhat boys talk aboutWhy it’s hard for boys to ask for helpUsing boys interests to talk about deeper topicsTalking to tween & teen about Andrew TateDiscussing consentHow building up boys’ confidence increases their ability to resist peer pressure & handle rejectionHelping boys recognize & respect their boundariesBoy cultureLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:NextGenMen websiteRaising Next Gen Men — ON BOYS episodeBreaking the Boy Code — ON BOYS episodeTeen Boys Emotional Lives — ON BOYS episodeCreating Consent Culture: A Handbook for Educators, by Marcia Baczynski and Erica ScottBoys & Sex with Peggy Orenstein — ON BOYS episodeNextGenMen’s Future of Masculinity summit — FREE event Apr. 21 & Apr. 28,2023Sponsor Spotlight: FITAIDClean Energy + Sports Recovery. Go to drinkfitaid.com/ONBOYS and get 40% off Sponsor Spotlight: StokkeUse promo code RegisterWithStokke at checkout for a FREE highchair padSponsor Spotlight: RightStart MathematicsRightStart Math Card Games kit makes math fun! Use coupon code OB23RSMPC at RightStartMath.com to get 10% offSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Sponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

When Michael Gurian published The Wonder of Boys in 1996, there "wasn't any national consciousness about boys' issues," he says.A quarter century later, there are dozens of books about boys, and parents, educators, and politicians alike are realizing that we must address boys' issues if we are to address the current epidemic of violence. Yet despite this progress, "we are still talking about ancillary concepts as to why these boys kill people rather than getting to the root causes of what's going on," Gurian says. We also "still don't systemically understand boys or how to raise them."What Parents Need to Know About Male DepressionMale depression, for instance, is often unrecognized (and untreated) because it is covert. A boy who immerses himself in video games, does just enough school work to get by, or uses drugs or alcohol may actually be depressed. As many as 10-20% of males may be experiencing unrecognized depression, and these males are having an outsized impact on our culture and lives, Gurian says.Parents, healthcare providers, and counselors need to learn about male development -- and they need to learn how to recognize and respond to the signs of male depression, which may include anger, irritability, withdrawal, and substance use. Parents and educators must also partner together to figure out how to help boys succeed in school.How Parents Can Partner with Schools to Help Boys Succeed"Parents and schools need to get really well connected around a specific question: How do we make sure the boys can succeed as well as the girls?" Gurian says.He suggests parents of boys connect with other parents of boys (from at least 3 other families) to create teams to share info, gather data, and approach school administration, expressing their concern and willingness to help address gender disparities in academics and discipline referrals.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michael discuss:Progress we've made -- and not made -- regarding boys' issues over the last 2+ decadesWhat the Left and Right get wrong about boys & menWhy you may want to consider going organicMale depressionThe need to train healthcare providers & counselors in male developmentImportance of fathers and male mentoringAdvocating for boys at schoolHow tech affects boys' brainsBoys & violenceMale bonding"Toxic masculinity"Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Keeping boys safe is a top-of-mind concern for parents. For good reason. Injury is the leading cause of death for people ages 1-44 – especially for children.For kids ages 1-14 in the U.S., injuries cause more deaths than the next 10 leading causes of death combined.And guess what? At every age, males are more likely than females to die of injury – largely because they’re more likely to experience injury (& more likely to experience serious injury).Choosing Safety Doesn’t Mean Avoiding Risk“It’s fine to have fun. It’s fine to push the limits sometimes,” says David Schwebel, a psychologist & director of the Youth Safety Lab at the University of Alabama, as well as the author of Raising Kids Who Choose Safety. Taking risks is a necessary, healthy part of life, so we can help kids stay safe(r) by teaching them to assess and manage risk.“The only way children can grow is by trying new things,” David says. You can facilitate their growth and protect their safety by acting as a coach and spotter. When your young child is taking physical risks, stay close, so you can intervene if necessary.The TAMS Method for Child Accident ProtectionChildren, even very young ones, can learn safety, David says. He recommends the TAMS method:Teach: “We teach our children basic skills,” he says, such as “feet first” when going down stairs or getting off the couch. T also includes more complex skills such as crossing the street or safely riding a bike.Act: “This is the parents’ actions,” David says, and can be divided into 2 Ss: Supervise and Safeguard, which includes things like covering electrical outlets, securing furniture to the walls or floor, and locking up guns, alcohol, and opioid medication.Model: “We model safety for our kids,” David says. It’s pretty unrealistic to expect kids to wear seatbelts or bike helmet if you don’t. Similarly, if you text and drive, your teen is more likely to as well.Shape: “Shaping is literally like molding a piece of clay,” David says. “Our children are growing and we are shaping and influencing them.” Rules are a crucial part of safety: we use them to outline our expectations and boundaries. Consistent safety rules are important.“The goal is parenting is to teach our children, not to avoid risks, but how to do things safely,” David says.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & David discuss:Why boys are especially prone to injuries and accidentsBalancing risk & safetyCreating a safer homeDiscussing your safety rules w childcare providers and other family membersThe effect of peers on boys’ safetyUsing media to discuss risk & safetyLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Raising Kids Who Choose Safety: The TAMS Method for Child Accident Protection — David’s bookUAB Youth Safety LabSponsor Spotlight: StokkeUse promo code RegisterWithStokke at checkout for a FREE highchair padSponsor Spotlight: RightStart MathematicsRightStart Math Card Games kit makes math fun! Use coupon code OB23RSMPC at RightStartMath.com to get 10% offSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Sponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, you can call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for help in the United States. Call 988 or 800-273-TALK (8255). The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is open 24 hours a day, every day. Services are also available en espanol.Suicidal thoughts are common.In the U.S. alone, each year, more than 15 millions adults & teens struggle with serious thoughts of suicide. Knowing how to respond to suicidal thoughts is a crucial skill for all parents & educators. One of the best, most effective things you can do to reduce suicide risk to directly ask those you’re concerned about if they’re having suicidal thoughts. That, of course, is easier said than done. It’s scary to ask about suicide, and scary to admit thoughts of suicide. To make it easier, you can say something like, “A lot of people have suicidal thoughts sometimes. Do you ever have thoughts like that?”“We don’t want to normalize suicide, but we can normalize thinking about suicide,” says Stacey Freedenthal, a licensed psychotherapist and author of Loving Someone with Suicidal Thoughts: What Family, Friends, and Partners Can Say & Do. Some people say “no” when the answer is really yes. So it’s a good idea to follow up with, “If you were having thoughts of suicide in the future, do you think you’d tell me?” Listen calmly and bravely, and keep the conversation going if you can.“Be curious, not judgmental,” Freedenthal says.Why Calling 911 or Heading to ER May Not Be a Good IdeaIf someone is not in immediate, acute danger — think firearm in hand or pills ingested — don’t call 911 or head to the hospital. Instead, talk. And listen. Empathetic statements like, “that sounds so hard” are far more useful than comments such as, “What are you talking about? You have a great life!”Emergency help can actually be counterproductive. It may lead to long waits and little help. And the affected individual may become angry and less likely to trust you with suicidal thoughts in the future. So, if the situation is not acutely dangerous, call 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, instead. It’s available 24/7 and trained responders can answer your questions, help you establish a safety plan, and connect you with local resources.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Stacey discuss:How to know if someone has suicidal thoughtsStereotypes and misconceptions about suicideReasons teenagers don’t tell their parents about suicidal thoughtsBrave listeningWhat to do when your son says, “I’m going to kill myself” or “I want to die”SextortionWhen to call 911 — and when not toWhy you should lock up guns & medsSelf-careFostering hopeLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Loving Someone with Suicidal Thoughts: What Family, Friends, and Partners Can Say & Do, by Stacey Freedenthal — every home & school needs a copy of this bookstaceyfreedenthal.com — Stacey’s personal pagespeakingofsuicide.com — Stacy’s web page, packed with tons of free resourcesWhat You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide — ON BOYS episodeSuicide Rates are Rising — Here’s What Parents Can Do — Your Teen magazine article by JenSponsor Spotlight: StokkeUse promo code RegisterWithStokke at checkout for a FREE highchair padSponsor Spotlight: RightStart MathematicsRightStart Math Card Games kit makes math fun! Use coupon code OB23RSMPC at RightStartMath.com to get 10% offSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Sponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Kids “haven’t changed at all” during the 20+ years Teacher Tom has been working with young children, he says.Parents have, though. And so has society. There’s an increased concern for safety and academic performance, and a lot of anxiety about kids’ futures. “I think there’s more fear, and more fear of their children falling behind,” Tom says.Adult stress and anxiety appears to be trickling down to even the youngest children, as today’s preschoolers are more anxious and stressed than previous generations. But kids’ needs remain the same.“Kids still need freedom to play, to follow their own curiosity,to ask and answer questions,and to learn how to get along with other people,” Tom says.“Parenting” is Relatively NewBefore the early 1960s, the word “parenting” was rarely used, especially in scholarly articles, literature, or books. The word parent denoted a relationship between people; today, parent is often used a verb. “Parenting” is something we do to other people — and we can judge the quality of parenting, we think, by its outcome.But that’s not how relationships work. Our children are individual humans. We can’t control them; we can cultivate their growth by creating (and maintaining) nurturing environments for them.Nurturing Kids’ Mental HealthThe first five years of a child’s life “shouldn’t be about learning your phoncis. They shouldn’t be about how to do math. They should be about how to live with these complicated things called emotions,” Tom says.Children also need time and space to navigate emotions and social interactions. But “too often, we step in too soon,” Tom says. When adults hear bickering, arguing, or tears, they frequently step in and problem solve for the kids — which can adversely affect child development.“We rob them of the chance to learn that basic skill of self-goverance and self-control,” Tom says. Give the kids time. Left to their own devices, kids often come up with innovative solutions.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Tom discuss:Play-based learningCreating space & making time for kids’ learningHow adults unintentionally interfere with kids’ emotional developmentThe emotional arcExploring genderSocial learningLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Teacher Tom — Tom’s blogTeacher Tom’s World — includes links to Teacher Tom’s courses, books, & speaking eventsTeacher Tom’s Facebook pageTeacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotions, & Play — ON BOYS episodeThe Gardener & the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents & Children, by Alison Gopnik — book mentioned by Teacher TomThe Link Between Freedom & Video Games — BuildingBoys postWhy You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys’ Bickering — BuildingBoys postSapiens: A Brief History of Humankind, by Yuval Harari — book mentioned by Teacher TomSponsor Spotlight: StokkeUse promo code RegisterWithStokke at checkout for a FREE highchair padSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Sponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Parental accommodation can limit the skill development of kids with (and without) ADHD. Many boys with ADHD or other executive function challenges struggle despite diagnosis, treatment, and well-intended help — in part because they and their family have received less-than-stellar advice and support. And because loving families often unwittingly accommodate (and reinforce) undesirable behavior.“Most families of children with ADHD are unintentionally misled when they receive a diagnosis,” says Ryan Wexelblatt, aka ADHD Dude. “They’re not provided with comprehensive information about what ADHD is, and they’re also directed to treatments with are not recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics.”Parenting training is recommended as a first step for kids ages 6 and younger — and parent training should be delivered in conjunction with medication management and, if necessary, school support for kids older than age 6. Parent/child interactions are foundational to helping a child develop executive functioning skills.Parental Accommodation CycleUnfortunately, parents sometimes unintentionally reinforce the inflexibility and anxiety that’s common in kids with ADHD and executive function challenges.“Parental accommodation is when parents change their behavior to alleviate or avoid their child’s temporary distress,” Ryan says. It’s often done out of love — and fear. Doing so may avoid some conflict, but it allows unhelpful behaviors to continue.Although sparing your child pain and discomfort may seem like a kind, compassionate thing to do, you may be robbing your child of the opportunity to develop self-confidence and resilience. In fact, there’s a relationship between parental accommodation and “failure to launch,” which occurs when young people do not take on adult roles or increasing responsibility.But over-protection and accommodation have almost become societal norms.It’s difficult to push back against cultural pressure and parent differently than others. Many of us are also afraid of harming our kids.“There’s so much fear, from parents, that they’re going to somehow damage their child by putting expectations on them or requiring them to persevere through temporary discomfort,” Ryan says. “Children are not fragile. But when you treat them as if they are fragile, they receive the message that they are fragile.”Breaking the Parental Accommodation CycleYou can break this unhelpful cycle by asking yourself, What am I doing for my child that they could be doing alone? Your child might not yet have the skills to do the task independently, but when you identify what they could be doing, you can begin teaching them the necessary skills and gradually release responsibility.Don’t get sucked into the “negotiation vortex.” Don’t give an audience to negative behavior or maltreatment Reinforce (and praise) positive behaviors. And enlist supportive individuals who can help you and your child.Things may be rough when you first stop accommodating your child. But eventually, home life (and your relationship)will become more peaceful. Your child will also be more capable — and confident.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Ryan discuss:Common misunderstandings about ADHD and executive functionRecommended, evidence-based treatments for ADHDParental accommodationAccommodation vs. supportYoung adults’ “failure to launch”Scaffolding new skillsBreaking the parental accommodation cycleLearning to tolerate your child’s temporary discomfortEnlisting to support to develop your child’s skillsConstructive vs. destructive shameLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:ADHD Dude — the online home of Ryan’s ADHD workADHD Dude YouTube channelADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude — ON BOYS episodeTeaching Boys Social Skills –– our first ON BOYS episode w Ryan!It’s a Confusing Time to Be a Boy — another ON BOYS episode featuring RyanConstant Chaos Parenting with ADHD — ON BOYS episodeHelping Boys with Executive Function Challenges –– ON BOYS episodeNurtured Heart Institute — learn more about the Nurtured Heart approach mentioned by RyanSponsor Spotlight: StokkeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Sponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsSponsor Spotlight: Mommy MakeupClean beauty for busy women.Get a FREE color consultation – & then use promo code ONBOYS for 20% off your first order.Jen wearing Mommy MakeupNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Whole child sports emphasizes wholesome, safe, and developmentally appropriate athletic experiences for kids. It is the antithesis of the toxic, highly competitive youth sports culture that’s unfortunately become the norm here in the United States.Scott Lancaster, a sports performance coach who worked with the NFL; Luis Fernando Llosa, an investigative reporter who’s worked with Sports Illustrated; and Kim John Payne, founder of Simplicity Parenting, started Whole Child Sports in 2011 to offer parents and coaches guidance, tips, and tools to help raise and develop happier, healthier, more well-rounded athletes who will sustain a lifetime passion for active play and fitness. The three men — all fathers — were distressed by what they saw happening in youth sports: an increased focus on competition (even at young ages), developmentally inappropriate expectations for children, and young athletes who burned out before graduating high school.At their worst, youth sports can be fatal.A Healthy Approach to Youth SportsIn current youth sport culture, the emphasis is on winning, rather than the development of the athlete and team. That focus tends to overlook mental health and individual variations and is damaging to kids and society.“Command-oriented coaching” — the common approach to youth sports — “kills flexibility and self-development and retards creativity and the development of resilience,” Lancaster says. “Ultimately, one of the worst things you can do to a kid developmentally is force them to play a sport like an adult professional athlete does.”A much better, safer, healthier approach to sport is one that allows children to gradually develop skills through play. “Don’t funnel your kid into organized sport at an early age,” Llosa says. “It will curtail their creativity, damage their potential resilience, hamper them in developing social skills, and perhaps create entitlement monsters.”It’s not easy to push back against the dominant sports culture, but doing so can preserve your child’s physical and mental health — and, ultimately, his athletic ability. You can start at home, or at local park.“You are your child’s first coach,” Lancaster says. “You’re the steward of your child’s athletic development and you’re responsible for choosing the appropriate coach, one who is dedicated to helping kids grow and learn.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, Luis Fernando, & Scott discuss:Role of sports in boys’ livesHarms of current youth sports cultureChoosing the right sport for your childHow sports can help boys develop empathyWhat actions sports gets right (and team sports often get wrong)Value of multiple sports vs. sports specializationDevelopmentally appropriate sports educationLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:WholeChildSports.com – includes a Parent/Coach Toolkit with lots of great free resources (such as Choosing a Coach: A Parent’s Checklist)Beyond Winning: Smart Parenting in a Toxic Sports Environment, by Kim John Payne, Luis Fernando Llosa, & Scott LancasterSimplicity Parenting with Kim John Payne — ON BOYS episodeLinda Flanagan: Youth Sports are Out of Control — ON BOYS episodeHealthy Sports Parenting — ON BOYS episodeSins of the Father — Sports Illustrated story by LlosaEmotionally Resilient Tweens & Teens: Empowering Your Kids to Navigate Bullying, Teasing, and Social Exclusion, by Kim John Payne & Luis Fernando LlosaSponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Sponsor Spotlight: Mommy MakeupClean beauty for busy women.Get a FREE color consultation – & then use promo code ONBOYS for 20% off your first order.Jen wearing Mommy Makeup Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Lads need dads, says Sonia Shaljean, director of the UK-based organization Lads Need Dads, one of the only projects in the country working to proactively address the impact of the absent father on boys aged 11-15.Many boys with absent or uninvolved fathers, of course, turn out perfectly okay. But many don’t. Sonia pivoted to this work after noticing, through a long career in criminal justice, domestic abuse, anger management, and homelessness, that males who didn’t grow up with involved fathers (or father figures) are over-represented in each of those areas. Lads Need Dads was created to support young men (and their mothers) “who, through no fault of their own” are experiencing fatherlessness, she says.The success of their program proves that deliberately and intentionally meeting the needs of boys improves outcomes. Boys develop a sense of confidence and competence. Their relationships with their mothers (and others) improve. They contribute to the community.Emphasizing the Importance of Dads“Getting people to recognize that this is a need — that boys can be impacted very negatively without a positive father figure,” is a tough message to sell in a society that’s focused on women’s empowerment and glosses over the need for men, Sonia says. “The thinking is that, ‘we don’t need a man to provide for us anymore.”But dads’ value to their families — to society — goes far beyond economic provision. Boys need male influence in their lives, particularly during the adolescent years. Even if they have an involved, dedicated mom (or moms).Advocating for Boys & MenDespite the fact that boys & men tend to do significantly worse in schools and life than girls and women, there are few organizations focused on boys’ and men’s issues.“There’s an apathy when it comes to men’s issues,” Sonia says. That needs to change. “Boys need to be supported and seen as the vulnerable gender that they actually are because we are currently failing them badly. If we want our boys to treat other people better, they need to know that they’re valued. We need to treat them better. They need to feel cared for and loved for who they are, not just because they’re going to come into contact with girls and therefore they should be better behaved. Let’s help our young men for the sake of themselves – not just because of how they may impact females.”In this episode, Janet, & Sonia discuss:How fatherlessness affects boysHelps moms accept boys’ need to experience riskThe importance of male connection and mentorship for boysProtective factors that can help boys thrive despite father absenceThe Men & Boys CoalitionIncreasing boys’ emotional intelligenceLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:LadsNeedDads.orgTips for Single Moms Raising Boys — BuildingBoys postHere’s How to Motivate Teenage Boys: Encourage Risk-Taking — Your Teen article by JenMen & Boys CoalitionDads Matter (w Marion Hill) — ON BOYS episodeDads, Boys, & Masculinity — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsSponsor Spotlight: Mommy MakeupClean beauty for busy women.Get a FREE color consultation – & then use promo code ONBOYS for 20% off your first order.Jen wearing Mommy MakeupNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Teen boys mystify (and frustrate) their parents. Especially their moms.But there’s a lot going on behind and beneath that sometimes stony exterior. Teen boys are not devoid of emotions; in fact, they devote a lot of time and attention to managing and controlling their emotions. They may not show their emotions as freely as they did when they were younger, but, sadly, that’s often because they’ve learned their emotions aren’t welcome.According to Brendan Kwiatkowski, PhD, a researcher who studies boys’ emotions, experiences, and masculinities, the #1 reason why teen boys restrict emotion (& emotional expression) is because “they don’t want to burden other people.”The #2 reason is “fear of judgment.”Why Teen Boys Retrict EmotionTeen boys “assume most people don’t want to hear about their negative emotions,” Brendan says.Stress and trauma can also affect boys’ ability to process and express emotion.Teenage boys’ refusal (or inability) to express their emotions is usually “not selfish,” Brendan says, but rather, an “act of care.”Helping Boys Express EmotionA boy’s ability to express emotion is affected, in part, by his parents’ ability to tolerate his distress.If he knows that his anger, sadness, or frustration upsets your equilibrium, he’s more likely to stifle his emotion. If he knows that you’ll respond with calm compassion, he’s more likely to open up and honeslty share his feelings and experiences.Don’t fret, though, if you don’t always respond calmly or compassionately. According to Dr. Becky, clincical psychologist & founder of Good Inside, parents can miss the mark 70% of the time and still raise great, well-adjusted children, especially if they apologize and make things right when they’ve gone off the rails.Getting Teen Boys to TalkAccording to Brendan’s research, teenage boys are most comfortable opening up to women — typically, their girlfriends or moms — because they believe that females are good listeners and less likely to judge them.Modeling authenticity and vulnerabilty also helps boys (and all humans) open up.“I never would expect a teenage boy to be honest with me if I’m not demonstrating that myself,” Brendan says. “Being a boy or man is full of contradictions and tensions, and acknowledging those is such as important way to help the dialogue.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Brendan discuss:Teen boys’ emotionFactors that affect boys’ emotional expressionHelping boys open upEmotional safe havensNormalizing emotionsHelping boys understand angerHolding boys responsibleWhat teen boys think about Andrew TateTalking about controversial topicsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:remasculine.com — Brendan’s websiteRe: Masculine — Brenda’s album about masculinityHold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Matter More Than Peers, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate — book recommended by BrendanWhat You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide (w Katey McPherson) — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsSponsor Spotlight: Mommy MakeupClean beauty for busy women.Get a FREE color consultation – & then use promo code ONBOYS for 20% off your first order.Jen wearing Mommy MakeupNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Damon Brown is a journalist, author, entrepreneur, and primary caregiver for his two young sons, ages 6 and 9. But from his earliest days of parenting, people assumed he was simply “helping” his wife. “I’d put on the Baby Bjorn and walk to the grocery story and hear ‘Oh, is it Daddy day?’ or ‘Are you taking over for Mom while she’s resting?'” Damon says. “And there’s a whole ‘nother layer to to it being African-American.” (Including backhanded compliments about “sticking around” to raise his children.)Modeling Emotional HonestyDamon describes himself as an emotionally honest person; he’ll tell you when he’s overwhelmed, upset, or happy. As a dad, he now realizes that emotional honesty is “one of the biggest gifts that I’m giving my boys.” Simultaneously, he reminds us that we must learn to accept emotional honesty from males.How a Tech-Savvy Dad (who wrote for Playboy) Talks about Screen Time & SexDamon brings some advantages to parenting boys: Unlike many modern parents, he’s tech- and culture-savvy. In 2008, he wrote Porn & Pong: How Grand Theft Auto, Tomb Raider, & Other Sexy Games Changed Our Culture, a book that examined the impact of video games and porn on popular culture. He even co-founded an intimacy app, Cuddlr (way back in 2014!).Damon says he’s handling his sons’ exposure to technology “very carefully.” He knows, from personal experience, that simply setting borders and boundaries isn’t effective. “It’s not just a matter of saying, ‘don’t do this,'” Damon says. “It’s more, ‘If you’re going to tread in these territories, these are the mile makers and this is the compass.'”He talks to his boys about intimacy and boundaries — not only “this is what a boundary is” and “respect the boundaries of other people,” but also “respect the boundaries of yourself.” Boys too rarely hear that last part; they need to know that it’s okay to not want sexual or intimate contact (and that they have the right and responsibility to say no. Too often, people who are raising boys forget to emphasize that point.Helping Boys Understand IndependenceBoys (and men) today still feel a lot of pressure to be independent. At age 9, Damon’s oldest son has already unconsciously internalized the idea that guys should be self-reliant — so when he got stuck on his homework, he simply stopped doing it.Damon corrected his son’s mis-interpretation of indepence. “Independence,” he told the boy, “is getting the support you need to create the life that you want.”In the moment, the child was unimpressed. But Damon knows his son will eventually need to ask for help, so he’s talking about independence and help-seeking now. Raising boys is a long game.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Damon discuss:How our family experiences affect our parentingCultural & societal expectations of dadsEmotional honestyGenerational growthScreentime, technology, & intimacyTeaching boys about boundaries, consent, intimacy, & independenceLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:damonbrown.net — Damon’s websitePorn & Pong: How Grand Theft Auto, Tomb Raider, & Other Sexy Games Changed Our Culture, by Damon BrownDads Need Therapy; Black Dads Aren’t Getting It — Yahoo article by DamonWhy You Should Strive for Good Enough — one of Damon’s TED talks#BringYourWorth — Damon’s YouTube TV showSponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsSponsor Spotlight: Mommy MakeupClean beauty for busy women.Get a FREE color consultation – & then use promo code ONBOYS for 20% off your first order.Jen wearing Mommy MakeupNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How do you support sibling relationships and build brother-sister bonds? Or connect with a tween son?Photo by Beatnik Photos via FlickrThose are just a few of the questions Jen & Janet tackle in 2023’s first listener Q & A.Matthew says:We have 3 boys (15, 17, & 19) and 3 girls (2, 9, & 13)…our boys are incredibly close, practically best friends, and our girls are similar. What can we do to bring the groups closer together? We have tried divide and conquer (mixing who runs errands with us and such), game nights, movie nights, outings…The girls are always more receptive, but the boys act like they’ve been plague-ridden to have to tolerate their sisters for more than a mealtime…Cheslea asks:What suggestions do you have for common interests with your boys? It feels like we have almost nothing in common…Britney wonders:Is it normal for the teen boy to push moms away during this time and cling to dads? while another Britney and Susan ask: Why is he such a butt head? Why do they know everything at the age of 16?!Karon asks:What steps should I take to monitor my 13-year-old’s online gaming?..I’d love tips/advice on keeping his gaming time in check.Kate wants to know:How can a 7 yr old have so much anger and attitude?Our answers to their questions might give you some insight into your own parenting challenges.In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:Supporting sibling relationshipsBuilding brother-sister bondsHow time solves many parenting problemsConnecting w a tween son (whose interests differ from yours)Mother/son (and father/son) relationships during adolescenceSelf-care during your son’s teen yearsMonitoring online gamingBoys & angerTeen boysThe importance of connection, community, and mentors for parents of boysLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Sibling Stress: How to Handle Bickering, Fighting, & More — ON BOYS episodeWhy You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys’ Bickering — BuildingBoys blog postWhy Are Video Games So Important to Boys? — ON BOYS episodeVideo Game Addiction — ON BOYS episodeAnger & Boys — ON BOYS episodeThe Truth About Parenting Teen Boys — BuildingBoys’ most popular postMoms Need Mentors Too — BuildingBoys blog postWhy Boys Moms Need Mentors Too — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Mommy MakeupClean beauty for busy women.Get a FREE color consultation – & then use promo code ONBOYS for 20% off your first order.Jen wearing Mommy MakeupSponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Simplicity parenting, in many ways, is the antithesis of modern parenting. Simplicity parenting prioritizes a balanced schedule, predictable rhythm, and decluttered, information-filtered family environment, while most modern families rush from one activity to the next and live with crammed-full schedules in an information-soaked environment.Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids, was an undergrad psychology student when he first noticed striking similarities in the behavior of PTSD-affected soldiers, teenagers who grew up in abusive homes, and children who lived in warzones. “They were nervous, jumpy, hyperactive, and overstretched,” Payne says. Their nervous systems were hyperactive and hyper-attuned to the environment.In a few years, Payne began noticing similar behavior in children all over and surmised that there must be an “undeclared war on childhood,” as the kids exhibited all the signs of living in a war zone. But there were no battle lines, fronts, or bomb craters. Instead, these kids (and their families) lived quite ordinary lives. However, by that time, “overwhelmed family life had become the new normal.” And that new normal was not at all kid-friendly.“It became more and more obvious that children, and especially boys, were living in a child-hostile environment,” he says. As a result, kids’ nervous systems were “out of whack” and many kids were (and are) in a near-constant state of fight-flight-freeze-or-flock. Kids (and boys especially) often reacted “as if their lives depended on it,” when they were asked to do something as simple as putting a coat on.Simplicity is the Antidote to OverwhelmThe antidote to constant overwhelm is simple, Payne says. It’s simplicity.He advises parents to “dial back” and simplify their lives, and the results have been remarkable.“I can’t tell you how many parents have said, ‘I feel like I’ve gotten my boy back.'” Payne says. Many parents also notice that their boys are back to their “quirky selves.”It’s not easy, however, to push back against the status quo. “The difficulty comes when we look around our neighborhoods,” Payne says. “There are so many parents that have normalized what is not normal for a child’s nervous system.” But deliberately simplifying your lives — cutting out extraneous extracurricular activities, limiting screen time and info exposure, and prioritizing play, family, and connections, can pay dividends.“If we’ve built in time and balance in a boy’s life, and slowly built in time in nature, time with family, time with friends, that morphs into a strong inner loci” for the boy, Payne says. “As young men, they are much stronger and defined in who they are.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kim discuss:The genesis of the simplicity parenting movementWhy simplifying family life can improve boys’ behaviorThe link between “quirks,” disordered behaviors, and giftsHow (& why) dialing back stress helps reveal boys’ giftsBalancing you family’s scheduleWhy delayed gratification and anticipation are good for kidsIncreasing boys’ connection to natureThe importance of playHelping kids connect to “their own true north”How simplifying family life will prepare your son for jobs of the futureBenefits of simplicity parenting for parentsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:SimplicityParenting.com — Kim’s website (includes links to the Simplicity Starter Kit, his podcast, and more)Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids, by Kim John PayneVideo Game Addiction — ON BOYS episodeRichard Louv on Animals, Nature, and Boys — ON BOYS episodeFinding Ecohappiness –ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

We want to build boys -- AND a just world. It's easy to be overwhelmed by seemingly insurmountable challenges, and tempting to not take action on big societal issues like inequity because, well, what can we do anyway? But while it's true that none of us can individually create the systemic changes that are needed to address thorny social issue, our individual parenting choices have power. Sarah W. Jaffe was working as an attorney for children in foster care in New York City when she became pregnant with her first child, and she was struck by the tremendous gulf between the experiences of the kids she served and the concerns of parents in her personal peer group. She thought, "Something is really wrong here with the level of anxiety that parents in my peer group are feeling versus the overall societal lack of concern about foster kids," says Jaffe, author of Wanting What's Best: Parenting, Privilege, and Building a Just World.  The truth is that the decisions we make for our kids affect other kids and families too. Take education, for instance: Parents with the economic means to do so often enroll their kids in private schools or "good" public schools with active PTAs that help provide funding for things like playground equipment, arts programs, and teachers. Their kids get a pretty decent education, but children at other schools may not get an equal or commensurate education. Moving Past Fear to Build a Just World "We are encouraged, as parent consumers, [to think that] there's never enough," Jaffe says. More education and experiences, our culture tells us, is always better. Marketers, Jaffe says, "prey on fear" and parents' innate desire to help their children. So affluents parents often invest a lot of time, energy, and resources into programs and services that may give their children a slight boost, while children a few blocks away lack the basics. That's not good for anyone's kids, in the long run. Jaffe suggest parents consider their values when making parenting decisions. When choosing childcare, for instance (if you have a choice!), consider things like the pay and working conditions of childcare workers. If you have the money to spend, it may be better spent at a center that pay its workers fairly than at a prestigious preschool. Jaffe also recommends that affluent and white parents look past their preconceived notions about which schools will or won't work for their children. In our culture, well-off parents are "encouraged to see ourselves as consumers of schools that need to cater to our demands, rather than investors in a crucial systems," she says. It might be best to invest your resources into the public school system. The fear of our children "falling behind" is pervasive, but it doesn't have to drive your parenting decisions. "Being in community with people, feeling invested in creating systems that work for everyone, is a really powerful antidote to that fear," Jaffe says. "Try to step away from the fear and into a sense of community." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Sarah discuss: Why we need to care about ALL kids How parents contribute to educational inequity Increasing educational equity Learning to identify "enough" Childcare inequities Questions to ask when choosing childcare How parents can advocate for their sons' needs while still working for a just world Supporting public education Equitable school funding Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Wanting What's Best: Parenting, Privilege, and Building a Just World -- Sarah's book sarahwjaffe.com -- Sarah's website (includes the link to her Parenting Values Journal) Gender Equality, Boys, & Men -- ON BOYS episode featuring Richard V. Reeves (mentioned at 15:50) National Domestic Workers Alliance -- includes links & ideas for how you can make your home a good workplace for a nanny, house cleaner or caregiver, as well as advocacy tips Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Parenting inevitably includes health challenges. Kids get sick. Parents get sick. And injuries and accidents happen more often than we'd like. Learning how to manage a medical diagnosis -- and navigate the health system -- is a crucial parenting skill. "Boy mom" and COVID, cancer and heart failure survivor Jen Singer has more medical system experience than most parents. She was diagnosed with lymphoma when her boys were eight and ten years old. "I learned, by doing, how to advocate for myself," says Singer. When her local hospital refused to perform a PET scan that she knew was crucial to the proper diagnosis and treatment of her illness, she signed herself out of that hospital AMA (against medical advice) and sought care in NYC instead. That PET scan was key to her treatment and eventual recovery. (The Right) Information is Empowering Singer, a medical writer who parlayed her experience into a series of books, the Just Diagnosed Guides, says that parents (and others) should not rely on search engines for medical information. When you receive a diagnosis, "Don't Google it," she says, because the results "are unfiltered." The info you find may be incorrect or out-of-date. In case of a serious diagnosis, do not believe the statistics you find online. General survival statistics, she says, "always include the oldest and sickest people" and may not reflect your  experience. Getting Necessary Care Unfortunately, patients and families often have to push to get the care they need (and deserve). Don't assume that "your" doctor (or the first doctor you see) knows best. If a doctor or healthcare professional doesn't listen to you, adequately answer your questions, or take your concerns seriously, you should probably seek another medical opinion. "If you feel like you're not being heard, get a second opinion," Singer says. That's not always easy -- particularly for patients in rural areas and those with restrictive health insurance policies or no health insurance -- but when faced with a serious diagnosis, it's worth the effort to explore all options. In some cases, you may be able to access specialists in other parts of the country via telehealth. Helping Kids Cope with Illness "I used to think I ruined their childhoods by having cancer," Singer says, "because all of their innocence was taken away at one time." Yet she realizes that her sons learned a lot about independence and caring for others through their shared family experience. Still, when she was diagnosed with heart failure in 2020, she "immediately set up support" for her sons, even though they are now young adults, because she knew another serious illness "was going to be a major flashback for them." She looped in caring family and friends and asked them to text and check in on them. Parents (and others) need to allow boys to experience and express their feelings, both physical and emotional. "We do our boys and our men a tremendous disservice by expecting them not to feel their feelings," Singer says, "and it causes them problems, health-wise and in communication" with others in their lives. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jen discuss: Getting a diagnosis Finding reliable medical information When (and how) to switch doctors or seek a second opinion Helping kids cope w a parent illness Determining what information to share (and not share) with others Supporting people who are sick Asking for (and accepting) help Teaching boys to manage health & medical issues Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Just Diagnosed Guides -- includes links to buy Jen's books How to Be Sick and How to Support Someone Who's Sick You Can Thrive with Chronic Illness and Special Needs -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Doing more for boys and men does not require an abandonment of the ideal of gender equality. In fact, it is a natural extension of that. -- Richard V. Reeves Those words are from a new book Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male is Struggling, Why it Matters, and What to Do About It, by Richard V. Reeves, a fellow at the Brookings Institute, a public policy think tank based in D.C., and a father of three grown sons. Boys and men (as a group) now fare worse than girls and women (as a group) in school and in the workplace. (In fact, the gender gap in college education is now wider than it was in the 1970s - but flipped, with far fewer males than females attending or graduating from college.) Males are also generally less healthy and die sooner than females. Yet these gender gaps aren't often discussed and, to date, there's been little action to address these concerning statistics. "The gender inequality that Title IX was intended to tackle [in education] is now larger but completely flipped," Reeves says. Also, many American men now earn less than many American women. White women, in fact, now out earn Black men. Obviously, progress still needs to be made in terms of women's rights. But we can't continue to focus on girls and women and ignore the needs of boys and men. We must also address the issues affecting males. That's how we work toward gender equality. Redshirt the Boys? Given the fact that males typically develop more slowly than similarly-aged females, Reeves proposes redshirting boys, or having boys start kindergarten a year later than their female peers. "The main reason girls are doing better in school than boys is because they mature much earlier than boys," he says. At age 15, in fact, the average boy is developmentally two years behind the average 15-year-old girl. The current educational system is better aligned with girls' development. "The structural advantage in the educational system that treats 15- and 16-year old boys and girls as if they were the same is becoming apparent," Reeves says. "We couldn't see it before because sexism was holding girls down. Now that we've taken those barriers off, you're seeing girls flying." Starting boys in formal education one year later would "level the playing field," Reeve believes, particularly because a policy or proposal to start all boys a year later would extend the benefit of extra time to lower-income boys. (At present, many high income families do redshirt their sons. Private schools often recommend redshirting boys.) Like so many parents of boys, Reeves assumed his sons were being deliberately lazy during their teen years. He's since realized that, "This is neuroscience. These brain synapses need time to develop." Encouraging Boys to Pursue HEAL Jobs HEAL jobs -- those in the health, education, administration, and literacy/communication fields -- are in great demand. Yet despite the fact that males are under-represented in these fields -- and health and education, for instance, are facing critical staff shortages -- there's not yet been a concerted effort to encourage boys and young men to pursue these careers. That's a mistake, Reeves says. "We're trying to solve labor shortages in healthcare and education with half the workforce," he says. "I think we owe it to ourselves, and to our kids, to make a huge investment in helping get men into those growing jobs of the future." Continuing the ignore the struggles of boys and men is not a productive path forward. "A lot of boys and men are really struggling. That's because of structural changes that are happening around them; it's not because there's something wrong with them," Reeves says. "As a responsible society, we should address those challenges because if we don't, they're fester. If we don't address them, it won't end well. We need now to apply the spirit of liberation to boys and men too." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Richard discuss: Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Independence is good for kids.  Helicopter parenting is bad for kids. But figuring out when to step in or step back...well, that's a challenge! When another boy punched her 11 year old son in the face during hockey practice, writer and "boy mom" Caren Chesler acted immediately. "I had one leg over the half-wall and was stepping onto the players’ bench when the coach looked up and our eyes met," Caren wrote in a Washington Post article. " Mine were still saying, 'Are you kidding me?!' while his were saying, 'Lady, I got this.'” Caren backed away and let the coach handle the situation. After practice, her son told her that he and the other boy worked things out. Like so many parents, Caren feels compelled to act "when I see my son in harm's way, whether it's socially or physically," she says. She know there's value in giving her son space and time to navigate challenges, but it's not easy to sit on the sidelines. Yet as our boys grow, they want (and need!) opportunities to manage conflict and challenges. Managing Parental Anxiety Often, parent involvement is driven by parental anxiety. Caren has realized that her tendency to involve herself in her son's social issues is stems from "my own personal feelings, memories, scars, and traumas," she says. "I can tell there's something wrong because when something happens to my son, I feel like it's happening to me," Caren says. That recognition spurred her to work on separating her issues from her son's. Managing our anxiety -- and our desire to step in -- is a constant process. As we recognize and address personal traumas and tendencies, our kids grow and change as well. We must adapt our parenting to the new moment. Rather than rigidly adhering to a set of rules or guidelines, it's best to ground our actions in honesty and integrity. Admit your mistakes to yourself (and your son). Adjust your rules. Experiment, and then readjust again, as necessary. And as many times as necessary. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Caren discuss: "Mom instincts" that compel us to act Dealing with our "stuff" so we can give our boys the chance to deal with their stuff Male vs. female friendships Making yourself available vs. directly intervening Giving kids space on social media Managing video games Adjusting your parenting positions Setting limits Discussing mistakes Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: I'm Too Involved as a Parent. For My Son's Sake, I'm Trying to Change. -- Washington Post article by Caren Probing the Complex Influence of Video Games on Young Minds -- Discover article by Caren The Model of a Mother and Son Project -- Next Avenue article by Caren Encouraging Independence -- ON BOYS episode Video Game Addiction -- ON BOYS podcast BACK TO SCHOOL is happening around the globe and that carries it’s own set of challenges. Join Amy McCready for the BACK TO SCHOOL SurTHRIVAL training.  End homework hassles, put the responsibility where it belongs (your kiddo…) and more.  Go to:  https://boysalive.com/school for program details. (this is an affiliate link) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Middle school boys may seem messy and mysterious, but they're also entertaining, challenging, and inspiring, says Braden Bell. The middle school years are "a wonderful, magical moment," says Bell, an experienced educator, father, and grandfather. "It's important to keep in mind that we are not raising 6th graders, we are not raising 7th graders -- we are raising future adults who currently happen to be in 6th or 7th grade." Keeping that long view in perspective is helpful because if we stop the metaphorical film at any moment, we're likely to feel stress because a lot of change happens during the tween and teenage years. But "if we realize that's a natural part of becoming an adult, that gives us a little more space and freedom to model grace and resilience ourselves," Bell says. A parent's role is to provide love, encouragement, guidance, and empathy. "Our job is not to solve their problems," Bell says. "We don't want our children to face their first problems alone when they're 25 or 30." Giving middle school boys agency to tackle their problems allows them to develop the skills and stamina they'll need to problem-solve as adults. And the beauty of tweendom and adolescence is that boys don't know what they can't yet do! During their tween and teenage years, they're more apt to set and attempt to achieve audacious goals than at most other parts of life. "I think that if we start with the assumption that our child can probably do far more than we think they can, that is almost always going to be true," Bell says. However much you think your child can do, he almost certainly can do more. But, he cautions, it has to be on your son's time. You can't push him, force him, or incentivize him. Bell's (borrowed from a 14-year-old) advice, to both middle school boys & their parents: Choose the kindest possible response in every situation. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Braden discuss: Why middle school boys need struggle Backing off so boys can tackle their problems & set & strive for goals How autonomy builds competence, confidence, and self-respect Boys & tech Collaborative rule-setting Nurturing boys' strengths - while giving them time & space to mature Respecting boys' development Helping boys cope with school Dealing w your sons' teachers Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Parent-Teacher Conference: A Teacher-Dad on Parenting Teens — Braden’s newsletter (Don't miss "My Parents Refused to Intervene. It Remains One of Their Most Enduring, Precious Gifts to Me.") Honoring Dads on Father's Day (& Always) -- ON BOYS episode featuring Braden Managing Screen Time -- ON BOYS episode featuring Devorah Heitner (mentioned at 16:32) Middle School Matters with Phyllis Fagell -- ON BOYS episode BACK TO SCHOOL is happening around the globe and that carries it’s own set of challenges. Join Amy McCready for the BACK TO SCHOOL SurTHRIVAL training.  End homework hassles, put the responsibility where it belongs (your kiddo…) and more.  Go to:  https://boysalive.com/school for program details. (this is an affiliate link) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

When Michael Gurian published The Wonder of Boys in 1996, there "wasn't any national consciousness about boys' issues," he says. A quarter century later, there are dozens of books about boys, and parents, educators, and politicians alike are realizing that we must address boys' issues if we are to address the current epidemic of violence. Yet despite this progress, "we are still talking about ancillary concepts as to why these boys kill people rather than getting to the root causes of what's going on," Gurian says. We also "still don't systemically understand boys or how to raise them." What Parents Need to Know About Male Depression Male depression, for instance, is often unrecognized (and untreated) because it is covert. A boy who immerses himself in video games, does just enough school work to get by, or uses drugs or alcohol may actually be depressed. As many as 10-20% of males may be experiencing unrecognized depression, and these males are having an outsized impact on our culture and lives, Gurian says. Parents, healthcare providers, and counselors need to learn about male development -- and they need to learn how to recognize and respond to the signs of male depression, which may include anger, irritability, withdrawal, and substance use. Parents and educators must also partner together to figure out how to help boys succeed in school. How Parents Can Partner with Schools to Help Boys Succeed "Parents and schools need to get really well connected around a specific question: How do we make sure the boys can succeed as well as the girls?" Gurian says. He suggests parents of boys connect with other parents of boys (from at least 3 other families) to create teams to share info, gather data, and approach school administration, expressing their concern and willingness to help address gender disparities in academics and discipline referrals. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michael discuss: Progress we've made -- and not made -- regarding boys' issues over the last 2+ decades What the Left and Right get wrong about boys & men Why you may want to consider going organic Male depression The need to train healthcare providers & counselors in male development Importance of fathers and male mentoring Advocating for boys at school How tech affects boys' brains Boys & violence Male bonding "Toxic masculinity" Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Gurian Institute -- online home for all things Gurian (includes links to his books, classes, & upcoming events) What We Must Do to Stop the Killing -- blog post by Michael Gurian Helping Boys Thrive virtual summit, sponsored by The Boys Initiative and Gurian Institute -- online event happening October 8, 2022 (register HERE) The Wonder of Boys: What Parents, Educators, and Mentors Can Do to Help Boys Become Exceptional Men, by Michael Gurian The Minds of Boys: Saving Our Sons from Falling Behind in School and Life, by Michael Gurian and Kathy Stevens Saving Our Sons: A New Path for Raising Healthy & Resilient Boys, by Michael Gurian Anxiety and Depression in Boys -- ON BOYS episode Kellen CARES Foundation -- non-profit that helps young men & their families navigate mental health issues My Family Tested 20 Kid-Safe Phones & Devices -- and These Were the Best -- article mentioned at 23:10 BACK TO SCHOOL is happening around the globe and that carries it’s own set of challenges. Join Amy McCready for the BACK TO SCHOOL SurTHRIVAL training.  End homework hassles, put the responsibility where it belongs (your kiddo…) and more.  Go to:  https://boysalive.com/school for program details. (this is an affiliate link)Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Empowering boys to challenge rape culture is one way we can decrease sexual violence, says Gordon Braxton, an anti-violence educator and activist who formerly served as the Director of Men’s Outreach on Sexual Violence Prevention at Harvard University. Currently, most of us "spend little to no time empowering boys to raise their voices against sexual violence,” says Braxton, author of Empowering Black Boys to Challenge Rape Culture. “That leaves them in the hands of a world that minimizes it & normalizes it.” Parents typically teach girls how to recognize danger signs and avoid potential violence. But parents don't always prepare their boys to recognize or respond to violence, particularly sexual violence. We don't help boys answer the question, "What should I be doing in a violent world?" Braxton says. Contrary to what we may think, boys welcome these converations, Braxton says. They want time and space to unpack their thoughts and observations regarding sex, violence, pornography, masculininty, and so much more. Boys also need education and support. They need to learn how to respond if a friend, acquaintance, or stranger discloses abuse or sexual violence to them. Often, boys' intial reaction is to "adjudicate or jump in," Braxton says, but that's rarely the right response. Instead, he tells boys that "if you are approached as a friend, respond as a friend." They can listen and support -- and we can encourage them to process their thoughts and feelings with a trusted adult. Black boys need support to wrestle with centuries of unfair policing and persistent racial stereotypes that have long (unfairly) painted Black males as dangerous predators. Braxton invites young men "to consider that there is more than one response to historical injustice. We can choose to push back against those myths and stereotypes through our everyday actions." We can also help boys understand that "these fights [against racism and violence] are not mutually exclusive." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Gordon discuss: Differences in how we talk to boys & girls about violence What anti-violence is Helping boys recognize how they contribute to a culture where violence is normalized The power of peer education to confront sexual violence Breaking past boys' cliched responses Preparing boys to deal with the complications of stepping outside the man box Why you must teach boys how to respond to disclosures of sexual trauma or violence Helping boys recognize (& embrace!) their role as change agents Inviting boys to consider nuance in conversations about racism and violence Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Empowering Black Boys to Challenge Rape Culture, by Gordon Braxton StandUpWithBoys.com -- Gordon's website List of state Coaltions against Domestic Violence A Call to Men — organization mentioned at 37:48 Helping Boys Grown Into Healthy Men (w Ted Bunch) -- ON BOYS episode featuring the Chief Development Officer of A Call to Men RAINN -- the United States' largest anti-sexual violence organization (lots of helpful free info!) BACK TO SCHOOL is happening around the globe and that carries it’s own set of challenges. Join Amy McCready for the BACK TO SCHOOL SurTHRIVAL training.  End homework hassles, put the responsibility where it belongs (your kiddo…) and more.  Go to:  https://boysalive.com/school for program details. (this is an affiliate link)Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Deborah Farmer Kris is a child development expert, author, and former educator -- and she still finds raising kids a challenge! "None of us are slot machines," she says. "It's not like you put in this language and out pops a child who says 'yes, mother.'" Parenting, Kris says, is humbling, partly because "there's not one method that works for every child." Every child is different. So is every parent. And yet, helping our children develop their emotional literacy skills is one thing we can do to help them thrive. You can begin by taking a moment to calm yourself when you son's behavior is out of line or upsetting. Then, get curious. Often, another need lurks beneath. When you and your son are calm, try saying something like, "I noticed..." State your observation; allow some space and time for your son to respond. "'I notice' takes the judgement out of it," Kris says. And even if your son chooses not to respond in the moment, your words convey that you see and care about him. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Deborah discuss: Why striving for perfection parenting is wasted effort -- and what you should strive for instead The link between emotional literacy & boys' behavior Letting boys tell their story (vs. making assumptions about their behavior) Tailoring your communication to your boy's temperament (whether he's an introvert or extrovert) The value of the village Communicating with teachers Helping kids understand unconditional love The power of awe and wonder Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: parenthood365 -- Deborah's website I Love You All the Time, by Deborah Farmer Kris You Have Feelings All the Time, by Deborah Farmer Kris You Are Growing All the Time, by Deborah Farmer Kris You Wonder All the Time, by Deborah Farmer Kris Permission to Feel: Unlocking the Power of Emotions to Help Our Kids, Ourselves, and Our Society Thrive, by Dr. Marc Brackett (book mentioned at 13:11) Awe Might Be Our Most Undervalued Emotion. Here's How to Help Children Find It. -- Washington Post article by Kris (mentioned at 31:33) Finding Ecohappiness -- ON BOYS episode Richard Louv on Animals, Nature, & Boys -- ON BOYS episode BACK TO SCHOOL is happening around the globe and that carries it’s own set of challenges. Join Amy McCready for the BACK TO SCHOOL SurTHRIVAL training.  End homework hassles, put the responsibility where it belongs (your kiddo…) and more.  Go to:  https://boysalive.com/school for program details. (this is an affiliate link) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Positive parenting is more pleasant - and more effective than control-oriented parenting styles, says Amy McCready.Amy is a recovering yeller, mom of two grown sons, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, and the author of The Me, Me, Me Epidemic: A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World and If I Have to Tell You One More Time...:The Revolutionary Program that Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding, or Yelling."Nobody wants to yell at their kids," Amy says, "but we kind of fall into this trap where we ask nicely, then repeat ourselves, then remind gently, and that goes on -- repeat, remind, repeat, remind -- until we blow and they finally spring to action."So we think yelling works, but in reality, we're training our kids to become "parent deaf," because they they know they can safely ignore most of what we say. A vicious cycle ensues.Amy was two kids into parenting before began looking for another way. She learned that meeting kids' two basic emotional needs -- belonging and significance-- can go a long way. "All humans have a need for autonomy, agency, and independence," Amy says. And sometimes, well-meaning parents do things for their children that the kids could do (and would like to do) independently, with a bit of training. Doing so robs kids of opportunities to be independent. In contrast, "when kids have a sense of age-appropriate independence, agency, and control, they are less likely to fight you for power," Amy says.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Amy discuss: Why parents yell -- & why it's not effective How "being in the moment" can help you effectively manage your child's behavior (and your frustration!) Kids' 2 basic emotional needs Age-appropriate control How to empower (vs. enable) your children Chores vs. "contributions" The problem with rewards and stickers -- and why you should use "when/then" routines instead Collaborative problem-solving How your responses (and mental health) affect your child's behaviorAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Sexual abuse affects boys and men too. 1 in 6 boys will be a victim of sexual abuse before the age of 18. But, in part due to lingering shame and stigmas, many victims don’t disclose the abuse until years later (if at all). They suffer in silence. Court Stroud was one of those boys. He was 6 years old the first time he was sexually assaulted. He was in third-grade the next time he was assaulted. More assaults occurred in his teenage and young adult years. And yet, he told no one. "This is a story I wasn't comfortable talking about, even with those closest to me, until about four years ago," Court says. He did1 in 6 boys will be a victim of sexual abuse before the age of 18. But, in part due to lingering shame and stigmas, many victims don’t disclose the abuse until years later (if at all). n't tell his mother (and other close relatives) about the abuse until his Newsweek essay, "After 50 Years of Sexual Assault Shame, I'm Finally Reclaiming My Voice," won a prestigious journalism award in the Spring of 2022. He learned then "that the terror they were going to reject me" was all in his head. Sharing his story, he hopes, will help others. "We're only as sick as our secrets," Court says. "The more transparently that I'm able to live, the healthier I'm able to be. The silence was worse than the incident." Need help or support? Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Court discuss: How sexual abuse harms boys The link between sexual assault and shame -- and how shame keeps people quiet The last-lasting effects of childhood sexual abuse Fight, flight, or freeze stress response "Healthy adults don't ever ask children to keep secrets" Why talking about tough things is so important When to seek mental health assistance Using TV shows & news stories to educate boys about sexual violence Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: courtstroud.com -- Court's website (includes link to his podcast, Revolucion!) "After 50 Years of Sexual Assault Shame, I'm Finally Reclaiming My Voice" -- Court's ASJA award-winning essay The Grizzly in the Purple Pants -- Court's NYT article Stop Sexual Abuse with These 6 Steps -- BuildingBoys post Pay Attention to Stop Sexual Abuse -- BuildingBoys post Sexual Abuse & Penn State -- classic BuildingBoys post National Sexual Assault Hotline  1-800-656-4673 RAINN -- United States' largest anti-sexual violence organization Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

You might not even realize you have a boy with executive function challenges. Instead, you (or others) might think he's "disorganized," "lazy," "resistant," or "unmotivated." Seth Perler was one of those boys. Now, he's an executive function coach who helps other kids develop the skills they need to thrive. Seth is also the founder of The Online Executive Function Summit (TEFOS). TEFOS 2022 is August 5-7 -- and it's FREE! You can use this link to take advantage of the TEFOS 2022 Early Bird Special, which will give you lifetime access to each of the expert-led sources. This year's TEFOS includes sessions led by previous ON BOYS' guests Tosha Schore, ADHD Dude Ryan Wexelblatt, and Debbie Reber, as well as dozens of other mental health professionals, authors, and neuroscience specialists. Of course, an August summit won't help you today, so we're re-running a previous conversation with Seth Perler, who reminds us that “If you want to help a kid who is struggling with homework, grades, procrastination, under acheivement, time management, and motivation, you have to understand ONE thing – and one thing only – and that’s EXECUTIVE FUNCTION.” In this episode, Jen, Janet & Seth discuss: What is executive function? Why boys with executive function challenges don’t struggle with Legos, video games or other activities they enjoy Why punishments & rewards aren’t effective motivation strategies Establishing reasonable expectations Helping kids who are behind (on turning in assignments, etc) “catch up” When (& how) to reach out to your son’s teacher How to deal with resistance Why it’s OK for your son to aim for a D (vs. a B) Exploring other educational options Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: sethperler.com — Seth’s website ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt, the ADHD Dude — ON BOYS episode Twice Exceptional (2e) Boys – ON BOYS episode Developing a Growth Mindset with Carol Dweck — TED talk The Shame of ADHD and Executive Function — Seth’s video/blog post, mentioned at 33:10 The Executive Focus Online Summit (TEFOS 22) -- FREE summit organized by Seth Register for FREE here  Get LIFETIME ACCESS + transcripts + bonus materials with the Early Bird Special (available thru Aug. 4, 2022)Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Stress and trauma can make it difficult for boys to thrive. Counseling, chiropractic care, socio-emotional learning, and other child-focused interventions may help, but only to a certain degree. For real, lasting, sustainable change to occur, adults must manage their own stress. "There's nothing good that's going to come of taking our children to others for help until we have looked at ourselves," says Dr. Sandy Gluckman, a psychologist based in Texas. The first step to helping our boys thrive, she says, is becoming stress-aware. Chronic, on-going stress can turn into toxic stress and trauma. And trauma can inhibit our ability (and our kids' ability) to become their best selves. Trauma can make it difficult for boys to thrive. "Trauma is not an event," Dr. Sandy clarifies, but an emotional response to a distressing experience. It can be cumulative as well. People who have experience a second or third trauma before they've had the opportunity to heal or recover from the first trauma may struggle more than those who've had time to heal. Trauma doesn't simply "go away" once when a stressor is removed. It can get "stalled" in the body, Dr. Sandy says, and negatively affect our physical and mental functioning. Healing trauma It's possible to heal from trauma. "There are remarkable and simple tools you can use to 'tease' that trauma out" of your nervous system, Dr. Sandy says. Parents can help boys thrive by first healing their own trauma. "As we being to heal, children pick up a different energy from us and they spontaneously heal with us," she says. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dr. Sandy discuss: The effect of stress on the body and brain Toxic stress & trauma Early developmental trauma How trauma affects parenting Symptoms of parental trauma Tools to heal trauma and emotional dysregulation Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: drsandygluckman.com — Dr. Sandy’s website Heal Your Trauma -- Dr. Sandy's program (mentioned at 23:48) www.youtube.com/user/sandygluckman — Dr. Sandy’s YouTube channel Sensitive Boys (w Dr. Sandy Gluckman) -- ON BOYS episode Helping Boys Become More Resilient w Dr. Sandy Gluckman -- ON BOYS episode Dr. Michele Borba Knows How to Help Boys Thrive -- ON BOYS episode Honoring Dads on Father's Day (& Always) -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 31:48 Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Hank, the 90 lb. dogAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Kate Mangino is right: “The last thing any working parent needs is to add ‘solve gender inequality’ to their to-do list.”  But if we don't think about gender inequality in the home, we might end up unintentionally perpetuating it. After all, for most of our lives, females have been assumed to be the primary and "natural" caretakers of home and family, while males have been primarily expected to earn a living. Those roles are shifting, of course, but facts are facts: women still bear the brunt of household chores and do most caretaking.  Creating gender equality "We're talking about a social system that we're all born into," says Kate, a gender expert, mom of two, and author of Equal Partners: Improving Gender Equality at Home. "The way we raise boys and the toys that we give them and the values that we instill in them lead them to value income generation more than anything else. "We have to recognize these 'tracks' we're putting our kids on and break that cycle." Men who are equal partners in their homes and families are generally very satisfied with their lives. "I feel good about myself," they told Kate. "and have a great relationship with my spouse. I have a great relationship with my kids." When we don't teach boys the skills they need to be equal partners at home, we are unnecessarily limiting them.  Teaching boys to notice what needs to be done "Noticing time" is a strategy Kate uses to teach her son and daughter the cognitive skills required to effectively manage a home. "When I give my kids a chore list, they're not going cognitive labor; I'm training my kids to be helpers," she says. "Noticing time" is intended to help kids anticipate and plan for necessary tasks. Instead of telling her kids what to do, she instead sets a timer and asks them to figure out what needs to be done. "The first time I tried this, it was a joke," she admits. The family living room was a lived-in mess, complete with empty food containers and scattered silverware. But both kids thought the room looked fine. Over time, though, their ability to notice and act improved. "They started to see what gets messy quickly," Kate says. "They realized that the sink in their bathroom is often gross, so that's a good starting point for them. Now, they know what to do and the house looks better. I'm getting both of them to the point where they're capable of doing the cognitive labor" it takes to run a home and family. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kate discuss: Ebbs and flows of gender equality at home Traditional "male" and "female" roles in the home How parenting practices affect gender equality Talking about household responsibilities Valuing caregiving How gender equality in the home benefits boys & men The "men's glass ceiling" Maternal gatekeeping "Noticing time" Establishing family standards Giving boys opportunities to contribute Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Equal Partners: Improving Gender Equality at Home, by Kate Mangino The Equal Partner Quiz -- mentioned at 22:35 Mom's Hierarchy of Needs -- mentioned at 19:01 Single Parenting with Wealthy Single Mommy Emma Johnson -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: Dr. Mary Wilde's Resilience School Online, 8-week program that includes video lessons, a downloadable workbook, and ongoing membership to The Courage Circle, a private Facebook community where families can receive support and celebrate successes.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Highly sensitive people -- boys & parents alike -- are prone to overwhelm.  They're also likely to be misunderstood (and, perhaps, misdirected) by parents, teachers, coaches, and others. "I was told my entire life, 'You're too damn sensitive,'" says Alane Freund, a licensed psychotherapist, highly sensitive person (HSP), & parent a of highly sensitive son. Alane describes 4 characteristics of highly sensitive people, which can be remembered using the acronym "DOES": Deep processing Over-arousal Strong emotional reactions Sensitivity to subtle stimuli In simple terms, a highly sensitive individual has a "more reactive" brain, Alane says, and a "finely tuned nervous system." (Fun fact: 15-20% of the members of all species may be highly sensitive. There are even highly sensitive fruit flies and sun fish!) HSPs benefit from structure and routines in daily life. Be realistic about time, and include your child in planning. You can also teach (and role model) relaxation strategies to help highly sensitive children (and adults!) reset. These strategies can help any child thrive. Unfortunately, highly sensitive boys are sometimes misdiagnosed. Because they tend to withdraw from overstimulation, they may be classified as avoidant or autistic, and highly active HSP boys are often diagnosed with ADHD. Society has yet to "make space" for the 50% of boys and men who are more sensitive and more thoughtful than the norm, Alane says. We can make progress on that front by seeing, recognizing, and appreciating highly sensitive boys. "One of the most important things we can do for children to build resiliency is to give them adults who see them -- who truly see them and are not their parents," Alane says. Parents, of course, are important, but kids need the support, appreciation, and encouragement of coaches, teachers, and others as well. With this support, highly sensitive boys can become "amazing partners, amazing leaders, and world changers," Alane says. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Alane discuss: Characteristics of highly sensitive people Differences between sensory processing disorder & high sensitivity Scheduling/time management for HSPs How to prevent over-arousal Managing overwhelm Highly sensitive boys in school Why the world needs HSPs Helping HSP boys navigate masculinity and gender expectations Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: alanefreund.com -- Alane's website Alane Freund's YouTube channel The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, by Elaine N. Aron (book mentioned at 5:08) The Highly Sensitive Parent: Be Brilliant in Your Role, Even When the World Overwhelms You, by Elaine N. Aron (book mentioned at 19:41) Sensitive: The Untold Story -- documentary mentioned at 35:55 (available on Amazon Prime) The Strong, Sensitive Boy: Help Your Son Become a Happy, Confident Man, by Ted Zeff (book mentioned at 38:42) Brain Power Wellness - YouTube channel mentioned at 23:21 Highly Sensitive Boys with William Allen -- ON BOYS episode Sensitive Boys (w Dr. Sandy Gluckman) -- ON BOYS episode You Asked About Age 14, Implicit Bias, & Sensitive Boys (Listener Q & A) -- ON BOYS episode Sensory Processing Disorder with Nancy Peske -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Puberty happens to every body - and boys need to know how puberty affects bodies and brains. You-ology: A Puberty Guide for EVERY Body, by Dr. Trish Hutchison, Dr. Kathryn Lowe, & Dr. Melissa Homes, addresses puberty in a holistic, inclusive manner. That's important because "all kids need this information," Dr. Hutchison says. "All kids need to know what all kids go through. It makes them more supportive and empathetic of each other." Boys need to understand female puberty, and all kids today need to learn about the challenges and experiences of gender non-conforming and non-binary children. Boys typically begin puberty somewhere between ages 9 to 14, but their need for accurate information starts well before that. "The earlier you talk about it, the more receptive and excited they are about these changes," Dr. Hutchison says. And boys, she says, are actually eager to learn more about how female and gender non-conforming bodies work. "Kids who know what's ahead have more confidence and less anxiety," Dr. Hutchison says. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dr. Hutchison discuss: When boys start puberty Why it's so hard to talk about puberty Sexual abuse prevention Seizing teachable moments How to get comfortable talking about puberty & sex Talking about gender identity w kids Social aspects of puberty Satisfying sexual curiosity Talking to boys about masturbation & pornography Supporting gender diverse kids Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: You-ology: A Puberty Guide for EVERY Body, by Dr. Trish Hutchison, Dr. Kathryn Lowe, & Dr. Melissa Homes Guyology -- online male puberty program Girlology -- online female puberty program Just the Facts: A Guy's Guide to Growing Up (Girology/Guyology), by Dr. Trish Hutchison & Dr. Melissa Homes Talk to Boys about Sex (w Amy Lang) -- ON BOYS podcast 21st Century Sex Ed w Jo Langford -- ON BOYS podcast Turning Red -- Disney/Pixar movie mentioned at 29:52 Period Education Project -- nonprofit mentioned at 36:41 Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

"Boy mom" Claire Zulkey is the only female in her family. (Yes, the family dogs are male too.) She's also a self-described "evil witch" & creator of Evil Witches newsletter, a fantastic community and newsletter for people who happen to be mothers and know that you can love and loathe your kids at the same time. Claire's son are now 7 and nearly 10, and she's learned to let them handle their own disagreements, for the most part. (After teaching them ways to compromise and manage conflict) "I let them be mad at each other," she says. "I let them work it out, and they do work it out." That's not to say life is always pleasant and peaceful at Claire's home. "It has been a wild year. A wild couple of years," she admits. There were lots of calls and emails from her son's school regarding his behavior. "I had a really hard time not taking it personally," Claire says. She worried that the school (& others) would think she was condoning her son's behavior -- or worse: teaching him that he could do whatever he wanted at school. Connecting with other moms (especially other "boy moms") helped her cope. "You have to find your friends," Claire says. "Your friends; not your kids' friends. Someone who takes parenting really seriously but can laugh about it." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Claire discuss: Living with a kid with ADHD Sibling relationships Real life with boys Managing know-it-all boys & mansplaining Dealing with misbehavior at school The value of connecting with other boy moms Shifting our parenting as our boys move into middle school & puberty Younger boys learning from older boys Negative self talk Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Evil Witches newsletter - newsletter for people who happen to be mothers, by Claire Zulkey Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers -- ON BOYS episode The First Time Mom's Guide to Raising Boys: Practical Advice for Your Son's Formative Years -- Jen's book (mentioned at 24:40) Growing Up Great: The Ultimate Puberty Book for Boys -- book mentioned by Claire (at 29:07) Helping Boys Develop Healthy Body Image -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 29:50) What You Need to Know about Boys & Suicide -- our ON BOYS conversation w Katey McPherson (mentioned at 39:40) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy   Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Father's Day here in America was first celebrated on June 19, 1910. It wasn’t declared an official holiday until 1972—58 years AFTER  Mother's Day was made official. Dads have long been assumed to be secondary parents, at best. But popular and persistent stereotypes of fatherhood -- though perhaps grounded in some truth -- don't accurately depict many fathers. How stereotypes hold back dads These stereotypes, though, affect boys and men. They can feed a mistrust of men and fathers that affects potential dads too. The common "incompetent father" trope (think Homer Simpson) can cause people to unconsciously assume that "you're going to be bumbling, you're going to be dangerous, you're going to make poor decisions," says Andy, a new father (and Janet's son-in-law!), who admits to internalizing those ideas. Although his son is only 3 1/2 months old, Andy has already learned the value of staying focused on the present. "I don't know how to raise my son in 5 years. I don't know what to tell him when he's 15. And I don't know that spending any time predicting is going to help me be responsive to it," he says. "What I'm learning, more and more, is that if I'm just present with him, I can figure out what's happening with him and how to respond." Braden Bell, a father, grandfather, and teacher, applauds that approach. "I'm not sure you could have better parenting advice for any age than that," Braden says. "Be present and engaged, full stop." So much over-parenting, he notes, results from parents acting on their fears, instead of responding to the present moment. Evolving expectations for fathers Like many dads, Braden and Andy are both grappling with society's evolving expectations of dads. Not that long ago, dads were expected to be breadwinners and disciplinarians. Today, fathers are involved, active parents who develop (and treasure) intimate relationships with their children. Societal shifts (such as the increasing prevalence of paternity leave) support these changes -- which research shows is good for kids, dads, moms, and society at large. In this episode, Jen, Janet, Andy & Braden discuss: Cultural stereotypes of fathers Supporting fathers Talking to boys about fatherhood How media depictions of dads have changed Dads' experience of fatherhood How staying present can decrease parental stress & anxiety - & improve parenting Supporting father involvement in schools & education Appreciating father-style parenting Father fears How dads develop intimacy The power of paternity leave Fathers supporting fathers Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Parent-Teacher Conference: A Teacher-Dad on Parenting Teens -- Braden's newsletter Dads Speak on Father's Day -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-courseAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Michael Ian Black shares some important and (mostly serious) thoughts about how to be a better man with his son -- and all of us -- in his book, A Better Man: A (Mostly Serious) Letter to My Son. The question of raising good men seems all too significant as the United States (again) wrestles with the fact that nearly all mass shooters are male. But there is hope. "Boys, in general, for all of our problems -- and we have them, & they are not insignificant -- are okay," Black says, "Boys, like girls, are resilient and strong and creative and adaptable, and need some attention, guidance, and love." With support, he says, boys can move forward in positive and constructive ways. "Boyhood and manhood do not need to be reinvented," Black says. "It doesn't even need to be altered significantly. It needs to be enhanced and expanded." Quien es Mas Macho? To help you understand the limitations and rigidity of currently cultural constructions of masculinity, consider the old Saturday Night Live skit, Quien Es Mas Macho? The 1970s skit featured Bill Murray as a game show host, asking 2 contestants to choose decide which of 2 or more (very attractive, popular, masculine) Latino men were "mas macho," or more macho? Sounds silly -- and it is, because the premise is ridiculous: the contestant are being asked to choose between people who are all stereotypically macho. But what makes it funny, Black explains, is that we can play that game -- what's more macho? -- with any 2 random items or people, and we all nearly instantaneously know the "answer." (Try it: What's more macho? Coffee or tea? A German shepherd or a poodle? Butter or margarine?) Most boys are fluent in our shared cultural vocabulary around masculinity by age 5. And when boys deviate from those expectations, they understand they're running a risk of being portrayed as more girl-ish, Black says. "If we step in the wrong place, we risk being mocked and teased," he says. To help our boys become better men, we need to work on ourselves so we can become the kind of person we want them to. We also need to "listen to them, and treat them with respect," Black says. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michael discuss: Expanding boyhood and the definitions & expectations of masculinity How the day-to-day work of parenting helps shape our boys Achievement gaps between boys and girls Helping boys become their full selves How the death of Michael's dad affected him Role-modeling "Rules" of masculinity Class clowns Listening to our boys Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Boys Are Not All Right -- Michael's viral NYT article A Better Man: A (Mostly Serious) Letter to My Son, by Michael Ian Black michaleianblack.org -- Michael's website (includes a link to his tour schedule & upcoming shows) Red Flags, Safety Nets, & School Shootings -- BuildingBoys post by Jen (mentioned at 7:29) In Praise of the Class Clown -- Building Boys post (mentioned at 24:54) Mathew Blades on Healing Generational Trauma -- ON BOYS podcast about how to look at/deal with your own "stuff," so you can be the kind of person you want your kid to be Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Britt Hawthorne, a mom of 2 boys and author Raising Antiracist Children: A Practical Parenting Guide, says that raising antiracist kids requires teaching them to identify unfairness. It includes incorporating an anti-bias lens when doing, well, almost anything. Britt's oldest son was about 12 years old when his homework required him to imagine he was a colonist in Jamestown or Plymouth and write a letter to relatives back home in England. The boy completed the work as assigned, but his mom took it a bit farther. "Who do you think this assignment is centering?" she asked. "Who had cousins in England in 1620?" Forced labor and human trafficking was ongoing and common at the time; the lesson contained no mention of either of those things. "I wonder," she said to her, "what information is left out of this story?" We can all help our kids learn to identify unfairness and erasure. And we can show them how to take action and drive change. You can start by challenging and changing your language. Consider using "people of the global majority" instead of "BIPOC" or "people of color;" after all, at least 80% of the humans on this planet are not white. In this episode, Janet, & Britt discuss: Diversity, justice, & systemic inequities Responding to racist behavior in the classroom (and elsewhere) Educational racism Choosing homeschooling when available education options aren't serving your kids Challenging and expanding lessons, assignments, and narratives that only focus one group Embracing differences Answering kids' tough questions Differentiating between "uncomfortable" and "unsafe" -- & learning to lean into uncomfortable Language shifts that can help decenter white-ness (Example: "people of the global majority" instead of "BIPOC" or "people of color') Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Raising Antiracist Children: A Practical Parenting Guide -- Britt's book britthawthorne.com -- Britt's website (includes links to her blog, antiracism workshops, & lots of free info) Addressing Racism & Racial Disparities with Hilary Beard -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-courseAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Sleep is as important to our teens as our toddlers. But ensuring a teenage boy gets the sleep he needs is even more difficult than convincing a toddler to nap that day after you move him from the crib to a toddler bed. Teen boys are even more strong-willed than toddlers -- and most are bigger and stronger than us too. Add in school schedules that are totally out-of-sync with teens' circadian rhythms and the ever-present pull of screens and social media and it's easy to see why most teens aren't getting nearly enough sleep. And though some teens (and adults) consider "getting by" on little sleep a badge of honor, "There are no benefits to being sleep-deprived. There is nothing you do better when you're sleep-deprived," says Lisa L. Lewis, author of The Sleep-Deprived Teen: Why are Teens are So Tired, and How Parents and Schools Can Help Them Thrive. The biological truth is that teens need more sleep than adults. Adults need 7-9 hours of sleep per night for good health; teens, 8-10 hours. Sleeping in on the weekend can help -- but not as a long-term strategy. Much smarter (& healthier) to consistently prioritize sleep. "Carve out and guard time for sleep," Lisa says. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Lisa discuss: Shift in circadian rhythm during adolescence How homework contributes to teen sleep loss Sleep & mental health Teen sleep needs Should we let teens sleep in on weekends? Nap during the day? Daylight savings time impact on sleep Working with schools and state to develop healthier school start times Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Sleep-Deprived Teen: Why Our Teens are So Tired, and How Parents and Schools can Help Them Thrive -- Lisa's book lisallewis.com -- Lisa's website Boys & Body Image -- previous ON BOYS episode featuring Lisa Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: Q for Quinn Sensory-friendly organic cotton socks for kids (and grown-ups!) Use the ONBOYS coupon code  to SAVE 10% off your orderAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Dads need to help boys understand and shape masculinity. In years past, fathers were often "there, but not there," according to Craig Wilkinson, a dad of two and founder of Father a Nation, a South African nonprofit that addresses gender-based violence, crime and fatherlessness by restoring and equipping  men to be nation-builders, fathers and role models. Dads focused on providing for their families, as that's what they were taught. They didn't engage emotionally because their parents didn't emotionally engage with them -- and because few people recognized fathers' role in the emotional development of children. Now we know that fathers are critically important to their children's well-being -- to the world's well-being. "Boys look to older men to model for them how to be a man," Craig says. The question boys are often asking (whether they verbalize it or not) is Am I man enough? Do I have what it takes? When boys aren't taught to harness their strength and drives, they may behave in ways that harm themselves and others. But "if a boy is seen and validated...and taught to use his drives and his strengths for good, there's no need for him to hurt himself or misuse his strength in any way," Craig says. Consistently "being there" for our boys is key. "If they consistently know you are there and the door's open, they will come," Craig says. "They will come." Parents, he says, need to "Be there. Be present, be engaged, be there." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Craig discuss: The changing role of fathers Finding male mentors What boys and girls need from dads Counteracting mixed messages about masculinity Supporting boys through puberty How moms can facilitate father/son relationships Signaling your availability to your son (even if you don't live with him) Making micro-connections A human-first approach Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: craigwilko.com -- Craig's website; includes links to his books Father a Nation -- includes link to free online course, No Excuse for Abuse: Why Gender-Based Violence Happens and How We Can Stop It The 12 Dad Verbs  Mathew Blades on Healing Generational Trauma -- ON BOYS podcast Love Bridges: Why Moments of Micro-Connection Matter, by Maggie Dent Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: Q for Quinn Sensory-friendly organic cotton socks for kids (and grown-ups!) Use the ONBOYS coupon code  to SAVE 10% off your order Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-courseAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

 Gender bias affects boys’ experience in schools. It’s most often unconscious and unintentional bias but it affects how our boys see themselves and how they feel about school and learning. And until we admit that fact and grapple with the gender equation in schools, things aren’t going to get much better. Educator Jason Ablin learned that lesson the hard way. Early in his teaching career, he assumed he was doing a great job connecting with students of all genders. An in-depth, in-classroom evaluation, though, helped him see that he disciplined his male students more harshly -- "which, ironically," he says "reinforced the messages they were receiving about manhood, versus providing them with a different paradigm of how to open up and express frustration or vulnerability." The need for gender-aware education has perhaps never been greater, but too many people, Ablin says, forget that gender affects boys as well. "When I go into schools and mention the word 'gender,' there are two assumptions that are made immediately," he says. "One, that we're talking about girls and feminism. Two, that we're talking about LBGTQ kids. That's all extremely important, but it limits our ability to address the concerns of teachers in the classroom who are struggling to connect with and teach kids." Boys, meanwhile, frequently feel like they're "never winning," Ablin says -- which, in some boys, can escalate into reactive behavior. Other boys fall into a depressive spiral. ALL boys need the adults around them to recognize their need to be seen. Without this support, boys often create social hierarchies based on dominance; these hierarchies frequently perpetuate unhealthy forms of masculinity. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jason discuss: How gender affects student/teacher interactions Helping boys succeed in school The boy crisis in education The "kept prince" phenomenon Disciplining boys Boys and mental health Boys' social hierarchies How parents can encourage change in schools Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: ablineducation.com -- Jason's website (includes preview chapter of his book) The Gender Equation in Schools: How to Create Equity and Fairness for All Students -- Jason's book Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: Q for Quinn Sensory-friendly organic cotton socks for kids (and grown-ups!) Use the ONBOYS coupon code  to SAVE 10% off your order Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-courseAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Finding ecohappiness can decrease boys' anxiety levels and increase family harmony.  There's a strong -- and direct -- link between time in nature and mental health. Human beings require nature exposure for optimal physical and mental health. Of course, that's easier to say than to achieve in modern life, when many of us live in urban environments and use screens to work, learn, and socialize. But there are fun ways to integrate nature exposure with daily life, says Sandi Schwartz, founder of the Ecohappiness Project and author of Finding Ecohappiness: Fun Nature Activities to Help Your Kids Feel Happier and Calmer.  "A huge study came out a couple years ago that said, all you really need is 120 minutes a week connecting to nature. So that's about 20 minutes a day," Sandi says. "You an build a nature habit by looking at your family's routine and tweaking it. Can you walk somewhere for an errand? Eat outside? Do homework or an art project outside?" Such slight changes can make a big difference in boys' (and parents'!) moods and functioning. Research also shows that nature stimulates human creativity, productivity,  and curiosity. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Sandi discuss: Definition of ecohappiness Link between nature & mental health How to sneak in nature time -- and bring nature into your home Helping kids (and parents) feel comfortable in nature Adding in free play Making time to experience ecohappiness Teens and nature Citizen science Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Finding Ecohappiness: Fun Nature Activities to Help Your Kids Feel Happier and Calmer, by Sandi Schwartz EcohappinessProject.com -- Sandi's website (includes quiz & link to FREE 30-day Echohappiness Challenge Calendar) Picky Eaters, Family Meals, and Nutrition -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 29:22) Richard Louv on Animals, Nature, & Boys -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: Q for Quinn Sensory-friendly organic cotton socks for kids (and grown-ups!) Use the ONBOYS coupon code  to SAVE 10% off your order  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Mathew Blades was a father and successful radio DJ before he recognized the impact of generational trauma on his life. On his boys' lives. Sure, his childhood included a lot of screaming and some spanking. And sure, his father died abruptly when Mathew was just 23 years old. Stuff happens. Mathew did what most people do: he buried his pain and pushed through. That worked, more or less. Until the back pain and shingles, stress and panic attacks. Until Mathew had to admit that he wasn't doing well. He sought help and healing, and now encourages and supports others as they do the same as the host of the podcast Learn From People Who Lived It. "I'm suggesting we get proactive so we can turn out the best version of ourselves," Mathew says, "and ultimately, raise the best kids." If we don't do that, we may self-sabotage and unintentionally create drama in our lives. We may hurt ourselves and others. You can begin healing by focusing on self-care: real, foundational self-care, like sleep, nutrition, and movement. "Putting yourself first isn't selfish," Mathew says. "It's the only way to ever get the best version of yourself." Counter-intuitively, focusing on yourself is one of the best things you can do for your kids. "I know we all want to work on our kids and do all the things for them," Mathew says, "but the moment that you work on yourself -- that's really when you start working on your kids." Do not underestimate the importance of taking care of yourself. As youth hockey coach, Mathew often tells his teams, "The difference between a great team and a good team is that the great team does the fundamentals perfectly. They don't mess up the fundamentals." We parents, he says, should heed that advice as well. Caring for our foundational, fundamental needs is essential to being the best parent and human we can be. In this episode, Jen & Mathew discuss: How our stories and experiences impact our parenting Finding & understanding your inner child Setting boundaries Why putting yourself first isn't selfish The role of anger Healing from generational trauma Making amends Asking for help Building structure and routine Simple self-care Meditation Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Learn From People Who Lived It -- Mathew's podcast How to Have a Kid and a Life -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Why are video games so important to boys? That's the question a listener sent in response to our recent call for questions. The listener who asked that question just happens to be Jen's brother -- and another one of their brothers happens to be a video game designer, so we got them all together to explore the role of video games in boys' lives. "I remember feeling so ticked when things went wrong when I was playing," says Doc Wondra, a dad of 3 who grew up gaming on the Atari, ColecoVision and Nintendo systems. "I felt cheated by the video game and was just mad at everything in that moment and felt a little bit out of control." He even admits to tossing a controller or two. Of course, now that he's a father, he's annoyed and somewhat baffled by such behavior in his 9-year-old son. "He doesn't just get upset," Doc says. "He gets upset and then shares that 'upsetness' with whoever's nearby." Sound familiar? Greg Wondra (Jen & Doc's brother and a video game designer and dad of 3) says boys' emotional reactions to video games result, in part, from their experience of the flow state. A person is in flow when they are deeply immersed in an activity. "Games are designed to -- and excel at -- keeping you in flow," Greg says. "I think part of the reason boys get very frustrated is that they get busted out of the flow state." Video games also meet a lot of boys' psychological needs: for achievement, creativity, exploration, and socialization. So, if you're worried that your boy is spending too much time gaming, consider his psychological needs. Is your son engaged in other activities that fill some of his needs? Can you give your son more freedom and autonomy in the real world? "There's not many places today where kids feel successful," Doc says. Helping kids find and experience success in other areas of their lives may decrease their reliance on video games. In this episode, Jen, Janet, Doc & Greg discuss: Boys' emotional reactions to video games How boys' developmental level affects their interaction with video games Handling screen time transitions Setting screen time & video game boundaries How to use principles of game design in your parenting Understanding how video game "pain points" are designed to motivate behavior Responding to boys' requests for in-game purchases The link between video gaming & boys' social status Video games as an expression of self Bartle's 4 primary gamer types How video games meet boys' needs Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Video Games & Boys (w special guest Greg Wondra) -- ON BOYS episode Video Game Design - A Career for Boys (also featuring Greg) -- ON BOYS episode Video Game Addiction -- ON BOYS episode Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi -- book mentioned by Greg Bartle's Player Types for Gamification --  International Design Foundation article (discussed at 30:35) The Bartle Test of Gamer Psychology -- online test to determine you (or your son's) gamer "type" Dads Speak on Father's Day -- ON BOYS episode (featuring Doc Wondra) Video game design courses by Greg  -- a great opportunity for boys to learn HOW to build games Unreal Engine:  Intro to Game Design Unreal Engine:  Create an Arcade Classic! Unreal Engine:  Open World Landscapes Unreal Engine:  Character Skill System Unreal Engine:  Character UIAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Sex talks with tweens can be...awkward.  Even Amy Lang, ON BOYS' go-to sex ed guru, stumbled through her initial sex talks with her son. "I thought I'd be great at it, but I just wasn't," she says. "I realized I'd rather talk to a 15 year old about their pregnancy than talk to my five year old about his penis." But boys need accurate information about human bodies, sexuality, and relationships. They need our help to recognize and explore cultural messages about sex and sexuality. The tween years can be a great time to explore these subjects. "Between approximately age 9 and 12, their brains are still open; adolescence has not yet happened," Amy says, so tween boys may be more open to these conversations than teens. You can also speak more freely, as most tweens will already have some baseline knowledge. "You can't harm your child by talking to them about sex," Amy says. "If you're giving them the information, it won't hurt them." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Amy discuss: Sex talks with tweens When -- and how -- to start talking about sex Helping boys untangle cultural messages about sex and sexuality What to do if your son has been exposed to porn What to do if your son shows porn to other kids Helping boys find safe outlets for natural curiosity Average penis size Polyamory Talking about sexual abuse & "tricky people" Consent Sex for fun & pleasure Should parents tell their kids about their sexual experiences? First time? Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Bird & Bees & Kids -- Amy's website (includes a link to her Solutions Center) USE THE COUPON CODE BOYS TO GET $30 OFF LIFETIME ACCESS TO AMY'S SOLUTION CENTER Amy Lang's Just Say This -- Amy's podcast Amy Lang on How to Keep Boys Safe Online -- ON BOYS episode Talk to Boys About Sex (w Amy Lang) --- ON BOYS episode 21st Century Sex Ed w Jo Langford -- ON BOYS episode The Joy of Sex -- book recommended by Amy (at 22:20) Savage Love - sex Q & A by Dan Savage Savage Lovecast -- Dan Savage's podcast Boundaries & Consent (w Sarah Casper) -- ON BOYS episode Consent w Mike Domitrz -- ON BOYS episode Talking to Boys About Sexually Aggressive Girls -- Building Boys post Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with JanetAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Raising boys brings up all kinds of questions! Kristen asks: Is it normal for a 9-10 year old boy to get into physical altercations with friends at every play date? Juliann asks for help figuring out how to best support a son who is "generally non-ambitious" when he finally identifies and pursues an ambition. She asks: How can I tell when I'm giving enough support without smothering or causing learned helplessness? Leslie finds herself in "constant battles" with her 11-year-old son. An example: If I ask him nicely to put his shoes away (example: Hey bud, will you please put your shoes up?) he’ll take his shoes to his room and throw on the floor. I’ll tell him nicely to put them up in his closet (where they’ve gone since he was 5), and he’ll throw a huge fit about it. Anything that takes time away from him doing what he wants it’s a battle. Some days are better than others, but this is literally every day since he was about 6. Brenda wonders: How to graciously acknowledge the almost daily calls and emails from school regarding behavior.  And then discuss with my 6th grader.  And not feel like a failure on the process. Jennifer wants to know: How do you help them stop complaining about EVERYTHING??? Sarah, a mom of three boys, wants to know how to handle bathroom messes: I’ve told them SO many times - in different tones- to just clean it up, to lift the seat, to sit down instead…etc. My question is: what can I do to encourage them to care about this and to take ownership to make choices to prevent it and in the case of accidental drips they clean it up themselves?!  Petra, a mom in the middle of separating from her son's father, has noticed that... our son is not only being more and more alike his father. But he speaks often to me as his father, as if he wanted to speak for him, to help him to make me down. ...and wonders how to respond. In this episode, Jen & Janet: Playdates & roughhousing Boy friendships The fine learn between "helping" and "smothering" Picking & choosing your battles Feeling like a failure Managing emotions Communicating & collaborating with teachers Trusting our boys Teaching (& modeling) gratitude Bathroom messes Parenting sons through divorce & separation Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) -- ON BOYS episode Managing Emotions -- ON BOYS episode Homework and Boys -- ON BOYS episode Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers -- ON BOYS episode Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys' Bickering - BuildingBoys post Parenting Boys thru Divorce -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with JanetAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How can we help boys develop healthy body image?  That's not a question parents of boys asked in previous generations. Girls, parents thought, were the ones at risk for body dissatisfaction, given the constant onslaught of heavily stylized (and often Photoshopped) images of impossibly perfect and thin women featured in magazines, movies, and TV shows. But boys aren't immune to body image pressure. As many as 75% of adolescent boys are dissatisfied with their bodies – and that dissatisfaction leads many of them to TikTok & Instagram, where they encounter unrealistic images of chiseled abs and chests AND workout and nutrition regimens that influencers swear will them help get a “ripped” body. Boys are just as susceptible to body image pressure and bad dietary and fitness advice as girls are -- and the results can be devastating. "We've feminized this issue for so long that boys are afraid to admit that it's a concern for them," says Charlotte Markey, a body image researcher and co-author of Being You: The Body Image Book for Boys. But research shows that many 6-year-old boys think they'd look better with muscles. These young boys' perceptions are likely influenced by the fact that the male bodies featured in movies and media have gotten "more extreme" in recent years, says Ed Frauenheim, co-author of Reinventing Masculinity. Today's action figures, he notes, are "more chiseled" than those created a few decades ago. 3% of boys are now using steroids in an attempt to alter their bodies, and 7% use supplements.  "The message in our culture is that 'if you just work a little harder' or 'try this' or 'buy this product,' then you can make yourself into this superhero action figure in real life," Markey says. "But that's not how this really works." Parents can help boys develop healthy body image by discussing masculinity & what it means to be a man. Together, interrogate & challenge gender norms and expectations. "It's important to question, 'what do you want these muscles for?'" Frauenheim says. Boys' answers to that question can reveal both their state of mine and underlying assumptions about men and masculinity. You can also ask boys to name people they admire -- and then, ask what those people look like. Such conversations can help underscore the fact that our bodies are often the least interesting and important thing about us. "The most important thing for health and happiness is not your level of fitness," Frauenheim says, citing research from Harvard. "It's your relationships. And body image obsession can actually interfere with relationships." Make sure your boys know that it's okay to build muscles, as long as they're more focused on building relationships. In this episode, Jen, Janet, Charlotte & Ed discuss: Why parents & doctors don't know as much about body image and eating disorders in boys as in girls The link between social media & boys' body image issues Talking to boys about actors who transform their bodies for superhero movies Steroid & supplement use Helping boys recalibrate their body image expectations When to worry about exercise & "healthy" eating ("If you won't eat dessert on your birthday, that's a problem," Markey says.) How often boys really need to shower (Spoiler: there's no scientific consensus!) Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Being You: The Body Image Book for Boys, by Charlotte Markey, Daniel Hart, Douglas Zacher Preparing Boys for the World of Work -- ON BOYS episode featuring Ed Frauenheim Boys Get Eating Disorders Too -- ON BOYS episode featuring Oona Hanson (mentioned at 22:57) Boys & Body Image -- ON BOYS episode What Is "Bigoerexia?" -- NYT article mentioned at 10:20 Steroids are Rampant Among Fitness Influencers, Trainers & Body Builders Say. Most Use in Secret, Claiming Their Gains Come From Workouts & Diet Plans -- Insider article mentioned at 10:53 Decoding Boys w Dr.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The Global Initiative for Boys & Men (GIBM) focuses on research and advocacy to support boys and men, according to Sean Kullman, the group's president. GIBM has established a BAM index, a Boys and Men Well-Being Index, an open-source resource packed with information and statistics the reflect the well-being of boys and men. The BAM Index has data in 6 categories: Education Physical and mental health Job, career and financial health Fatherhood, family and relationships Criminal justice system and court systems Male narrative in the public discourse The data shows that "we as a culture are just meaner -- less understanding -- to boys," Kullman says. And our educational systems really don't address the fact that boys and girls, generally speaking, learn differently. To date, state and federal governments also have been hesitant to allocate funding to boys' & men's issues. Sean encourages parents of boys to run for a seat of their local school boards. "I think we need to see more parents who feel strongly about their boys running for school board," he says. "Until you get members of the community who care about boys on the board, it won't change." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Sean discuss: the BAM Index (measures of men & boys well-being) Why legislators need information regarding male well-being School suspension rates for males School to prison pipeline Gender differences in drug enforcement Gender differences in educational attainment Gender discrepancies in educational funding Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Global Initiative for Boys & Men -- includes links to state reports on the Status of Boys & Men (currently, CA, CO, & MO only) Invitation to a Dialogue: Helping Boys Succeed -- Sean's NYT article (mentioned at 4:30) Coalition to Create a White House Council on Boys & Men -- mentioned at 4:36 (you'll see Jen listed under Prominent Women Supporters) Male Advocacy Group Files Legal Complaint Against Pacific Science Center for Girl-Specific Programs -- article about GIBM's activity While Biden's $2.6 Billion Policy Targets Gender Equity Abroad, Americans are Dying at Home -- Sean's article (mentioned at 14:40) The Boy Crisis with Warren Farrell -- ON BOYS episode Is Shared Parenting the Best for Boys After Divorce? -- Building Boys post In His Words -- Sean's Substack newsletter, mentioned at 37:35 A Generation of Men Give Up on College -- WSJ article mentioned at 37:58 Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-courseAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

When they realized that schools wouldn't change quickly enough to meet their kids' needs, members of the Black Mothers Forum opened microschools, with an eye toward ending the school to prison pipeline. Existing school leaders and educators “really did not understand how to create a safe and supportive learning environment for our Black children,” say Janelle Wood, President of The Black Mothers Forum, Inc. She recalls getting frequent calls from school (for minor issues) when her now-adult son was young, active boy. The sit-still-and-be-quiet method of learning that's still employed by many schools simply doesn't work for many kids. "We forget our children are human beings," Janelle says. They need to move. They want opportunities to apply what they've learned. And each child has distinct strengths and preferences. Sadly, those preferences -- and children's questions -- aren't always respected in the school system. "We've had parents come to us frustrated because their child has been sent to the office for an 'attitude' or their child has been considered 'disruptive' or 'disrespectful,'" Janelle says, "because the child's asked a question. Or the child was being racially bullied and seeking some assistance from the teacher," who didn't have (or take) time to respond. Black Mothers Forum initially tried to work with schools to improve the learning environment, but quickly realized that what was on the agenda at board meetings often didn't line up with the concerns expressed by parents and children. And eventually, "we came to the realization that while they were hearing us, they weren't really listening," Janelle says. "They were just nodding their heads. When we got up to share what was going on in the classroom and our concerns about how our children were being treated and how they were being disproportionately disciplined -- and those disciplinary practices were punitive, frequent, and very long-standing and had long-term impacts on our children's ability to learn -- I would have board members look at the wall," Janelle says. So, the Black Mothers Forum investigated alternative educational options and ultimately opened a series of microschools: mixed-age groups of 5-10 kids facilitated by adult learning guides. The children work on individualized learning goals via online programs, self-directed learning, and group projects. (One microschool wrote and staged their own play!) They gather in morning to discuss their personal goals  -- and how they're doing. The microschools are a school-to-purpose pipeline, Janelle says, that give kids ownership in the learning process. In this episode, Jen, Janelle, & Christina Foster discuss: Black boys' experiences in traditional schools How parents' jobs & past experiences w education affect their relationship with their kids' schools Boys' fight, flight, or fear response How traditional learning environments make it difficult for educators to support kids Advocating for educational change What a microschool is Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Black Mother's Forum -- includes contact info & links to more info about their microschools As COVID Closed Arizona's Classrooms, Black Mothers Launched Their Own Microschools with Focus on Personalized Learning, Ending the School to Prison Pipeline Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-course  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Four years of ON BOYS podcast! 214 episodes, more than 900,000 downloads, and countless deep, moving moments. We've talked about vaping, sex, boys & body image, consent, connection, and misconceptions about boys. We wrestle with gender stereotypes, education, and the real-life struggles of living with boys. Janet and Jen collectively devote up to 10 hours per week to ON BOYS podcast -- 10 hours spent finding and connecting with top experts; preparing for our interviews; researching topics; engaging with listeners, educators, and boys parents; and promoting and sharing our episodes because we firmly believe that helping adults understand boys' needs is one way we can change the world for the better. You can help us help you  -- & help make the world a better place -- by subscribing to Building Boys Bulletin, Jen's weekly newsletter, and participating in Janet's Decoding Boys workshop. Here's to another years of ON BOYS! In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: What we remember about the start of ON BOYS How our lives have changed since we started podcasting The growth of ON BOYS How boys learn Managing school expectations Gender stereotypes & bias How listeners can support ON BOYS The arc of parenting GRANDCHILD REVEAL! Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: My Husband and I Lived Apart for 10 Years. It Made Our Relationship Stronger -- Jen's essay, mentioned at 6:30 Vaping & E-Cigarette Use: What Parents Need to Know -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 7:22) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with JanetAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How do we raise LBGTQ allies? We know boys are (still) subject to a lot of homophobia and transphobia. Our culture is full of messages that tell boys it's best to be straight and stereotypically masculine. And though many of us think we're raising our boys to tolerant, inclusive, and accepting, they may be getting a different message from what we don't say. Chris Tompkins, author of Raising LGBTQ Allies: A Parent's Guide to Changing the Messages from the Playground, recognized the power of unspoken messages when his then 6-year-old nephew asked him -- an openly gay man -- if the female friend with him was his girlfriend. In that moment, Chris realized that his nephew didn't know he was gay. In conversations with adult family members the next day, Chris learned that most believed that his nephew wasn't "old enough to understand." Others said they didn't know how to discuss homosexuality and heterosexuality with their children. The reality, Chris says, is that there may be LGBTQ kids in our families right now. And when we don't acknowledge that -- by, for instance, not talking about homosexuality -- "we're contributing to the continuation of the closet, which is a hot bed for shame," Chris says. Most of us didn't have these conversations with our parents. We can do better for our kids. In this episode, Jen & Chris discuss: Heteronormativity How adults' lack of conversation about homosexuality perpetuates stigma and shame Talking to about sex & sexuality at  developmentally appropriate levels How seemingly innocuous questions & comments -- "Do you have a girlfriend yet?" "Wow, I bet all the girls are after you!" -- can contribute to shame and silence Subconscious beliefs we (and our kids) pick up from the dominant culture Repair & reconnection Validating kids' perceptions Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Raising LGBTQ Allies: A Parent's Guide to Changing the Messages from the Playground, by Chris Tompkins What Children Learn from the Things They Aren't Told -- Chris's TedX talk ARoadTripToLove.com -- Chris's website Why Inclusive Sex Ed is So Important -- article by Jen Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-courseAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How many of these myths & misconceptions about boys have you heard? How many do you believe? "Boys are easier than girls." "Boys are less emotional than girls." "Boys leave their families when they grow up." "With boys, you don't have to fight over clothing choices." "There's less to worry about with a son than a daughter when they're teenagers and dating." "Boy mom" & writer Jessica Wozinsky Fleming, a mom of 4 sons (ages 7, 5, 3 & 3) has heard all of these before. (As has Jen, our resident "boy mom!") "When people found out that our last pregnancy was two boys, we heard a lot of comments like, 'oh, should I congratulations or I'm sorry?' and 'Oh! You'll have to keep going!'" Jessica says. "And these comments were often in front of my other boys, who were old enough to understand what's being asked." Such comments are difficult to explain to young boys - who may assume that those statements imply girls are more desirable than boys -- and can bring up complicated feelings of sadness in parents who initially dreamed of parenting boys and girls. Parenting boys has taught Jessica that many things people believe about boys simply aren't true. (Or, at least, not true for all boys.) "So many people have told me that boys are less emotional," she says. "But there are a lot of big emotions at my house!" Jessica Fleming & Jen (not Janet!) In this episode, Jen & Jessica discuss: Myths & misconceptions about boys Public reactions to all-boy families Helping boys recognize myths & misconceptions about boys Teaching boys about consent & talking about sexual violence Making space for boys Roughhousing Potty training boys Adapting your parenting to your kids' individual personalities Brother relationships How gender stereotypes still limit boys Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: jessica-fleming.com -- Jessica's website All Boys? -- classic Building Boys post To Raise a Boy (w Emma Brown) -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned around 16:00) Why Roughhousing is Good for Kids, & How to Keep It Safe -- Jessica's Washington Post article The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) -- ON BOYS podcast Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or moreAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Empowering boys is one powerful way to address the boy crisis. Some people -- often, people who don't have or work with boys -- wonder why boys need to be empowered. After all, they say, men still control most businesses and countries. But boys struggle in the classroom and in our communities. "Dangerous double standards" exist regarding sexual abuse, depending on whether the victim is male or female, says Laurie A. Couture, a mental health specialist, mother, and author of Instead of Medicating and Punishing: Healing the Causes of Our Children's Acting-Out Behavior by Parenting and Educating the Way Nature Intended. There's a tendency, she says, to focus on male pathology rather than male needs and strengths. Couture says one of the most effective things parents can do to empower boys is to "get them out of the public school system" and explore alternative educational options such as homeschool or forest schools. "Boys should be spending the majority of their days moving," Couture says. "If boys are sitting sedentary, there is something wrong. That's not what nature intends for their development. Children learn through play. That is the vehicle by which a child's brain develops." What adults commonly view as acting-out behavior is actually nature's alert system. "It's saying 'Alert, alert! This environment is toxic for this child,'" Couture says. "it is nature's way of saying, 'Something in this environment is going against life. It's not meeting the child's needs. The child is not at homeostasis." Though it's virtually impossible to meet a child's needs 100% of the time, our efforts to respond sensitively to our boys can empower them. When a child's needs are met consistently, they develop confidence in those around them and in their own abilities. Empowering and supporting each other is another way to empower boys. "We can create spaces that welcome our boys and noise, chaos, and activity," Jen says. "We can work together, empower each other, empower our boys, and make this world better for all of us." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Laurie discuss: Gender stereotypes Homeschooling Sexual abuse and violence The importance of movement for boys The human attachment cycle Screen time & video game addiction Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: laurieacouture.com -- Laurie's website Instead of Medicating and Punishing: Healing the Causes of Our Children's Acting-Out Behavior by Parenting and Educating the Way Nature Intended, by Laurie A. Couture Homeschool Hacks & How to Homeschool Boys -- ON BOYS episode Forest Schools Get Boys Learning Naturally -- ON BOYS episode Brain-Body Parenting with Dr. Mona Delahooke  -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 21:47) Video Game Addiction -- ON BOYS episode 4 Ways to Make Your Home Movement Friendly -- article by Jen Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-courseAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Brain-body parenting can help you raise joyful, resilient boys, says Dr. Mona Delahooke. Boys' behavior offers clues as to what's going on inside the child -- and deciphering what's happening internally can help us tailor our response to the unique human individual before us. It's time to  "move from focusing on behaviors to focusing on how each child perceives, understands, and interprets their world," says Dr. Delahooke,  a child psychologist and author of Brain-Body Parenting: How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids and Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges. The autonomic nervous system is our "automatic nervous system," she explains. It controls our bodies' unconscious, non-voluntary reactions. Importantly, the triggers for each of us can be different. So, while some people aren't bothered by noisy environments or tags on their clothing, other people who experience those same triggers may feel "threatened," even though they are objectively safe. Their bodies may move into the "red zone," which is characterized by increased alertness and reactivity, an increased heart rate, and a desire or need to move. Chronic stress can lead to the "blue zone," a state in which humans often withdraw to conserve energy. The green, red, and blue zones are adaptive. "You are witnessing the power of human resilience," Dr. Delahooke says. "Those states are there to protect us." Learning to recognize these states of being can help parents determine an appropriate challenge zone for their kids -- and may reveal expectation gaps. You can use that information to more effectively and compassionately support your boys. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Mona discuss: What is brain-body parenting? The link between the nervous system and behavior Green, red, and blue zones -- an easy way to recognize a person's current level of functioning Checks-ins vs. time-outs Getting curious about kids' behaviors Body budgets Parental self-care The challenge zone Expectation gaps Co-regulation Parallels between toddlerhood & adolescence How unrealistic expectations for young boys cause problems for boys in school Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Brain-Body Parenting: How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids, by Dr. Mona Delahooke Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges, by Dr. Mona Delahooke monadelahooke.com -- Dr. Delahooke's website Sensory Processing Disorder with Nancy Peske -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or moreAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Picky eaters... are incredibly common. Nearly all kids go through food jags. ALL humans have food preferences. Navigating all of this around the dinner table, though, can feel frustrating and overwhelming. Even for experts. "I felt confident going into parenting!" says Rebecca Toutant, a registered dietician who began her career helping children with autism and sensory issues expand their palate. "I thought my boys would be these really wonderful, adventurous eaters and we'd sit down at the dinner table and have such peaceful family meals." That, she learned, "is just not how it works." Despite the fact that eating is a basic, natural human drive, "it takes a lot of effort and practice to really help children have a healthy relationship with food," Rebecca says. She suggests letting go of a lot of our preconceived notions and focusing on developing "confident, competent eaters." Think of eating and nutrition as an experience. Food and meals include colors, textures, sensations, and emotions. Children are naturally "neo-phobic," or hesitant to try new things, Rebecca says. That's a protective instinct. So, our kids look to us to see how we're interacting with and reacting to food -- & many, many, MANY exposures to a food (as many as 10-20) for a child to accept it. Rebecca recommends following Ellyn Satter's Division of Responsibility in Feeding: PARENTS are responsible for WHAT food is offered, WHERE food is offered, and WHEN Food is offered CHILDREN are responsible for HOW MUCH (or whether) they eat In this episode, Jen, Janet & Rebecca discuss: What it means to have a healthy relationship with food Identifying & deconstructing our "shoulds" regarding food and eating Introducing new foods Division of Responsibility in Feeding Why you shouldn't bribe your child to try new foods or clean their plate Picky eating vs. problem feeding vs ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder) When to seek professional assistance for eating challenges Should you let your child eat a separate meal? Helping kids decipher "moral" food messages (Spoiler: No food is "good" or "bad") Dinner at a dietician's home How Jen & Rebecca know each other :) Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Nourishing Bits & Bites -- Rebecca's website (follow her on FB and Instagram too!) Burnt Toast by Virginia Sole-Smith -- newsletter mentioned at 34:31 Celiac Disease Cookbook for the Newly Diagnosed: Guidance and Recipes for an Easy Transition to the Gluten-Free Diet, by Rebecca Toutant (mentioned at 41:15) Meal Prep Cookbook for Runners: Healthy Meals to Prepare, Grab and Go, by Rebecca Toutant (mentioned at 41:24) Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ONBOYS22 discount code to SAVE 22% off your orderAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Gender norms still (and unnecessarily!) limit boys, says journalist Lisa Selin Davis, author of Tomboy: The Surprising History and Future of Girls Who Dare to be Different. Which may not be an accident, since gender norms (as we know them today) were essentially created to ensure that male children grew into straight, non-homosexual men. "The way we conceive of boys' stuff and girls' stuff in this country is really only about 100 years old," she says. "It's important for us to understand that what we think of as 'normal' for boys and 'normal' for girls is culturally and temporally dependent." Up until the end of the 19th century, sex, gender, and sexuality were all kind of blurred together. When the general public began to recognize homosexuality, parents quickly learned "that it was not a desirable outcome to have your child grow up to be gay, so the way to prevent that from happening was to emphasize masculinity," Lisa says. Gender norms for females have loosened considerably in recent years. (There's a nearly 100% chance that you've seen a woman or girl wearing pants today, for instance.) But there's not yet been in equivalent expansion of the "man box" for boys and men. Many well-meaning adults still say things that reinforce gender norms and send harmful messages. "I think parents don't realize that when they say, 'oh, honey, no; don't buy that because that's a pink ball,'" Lisa says, "that they're sending a message that it's not okay to be feminine. And a message that it's not okay to be gay." Of course, no matter what we parent do, children face pressure to conform to gender norms - often, from their peers. Parents (and others) can help be supporting a child's interests, no matter what they are. "The more a child is immune to gender stereotypes, the better it is for them in life," Lisa says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Lisa discuss: The history of gender norms in the United States Generational reactions to gender roles Gender & marketing Helping boys be themselves in a hyper-gendered culture Working in communities to shift gender norms Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Why a Pink Tutu Can Be a Gender-Neutral Christmas Gift -- Washington Post article by Lisa (referenced in intro) Tomboy: The Surprising History and Future of Girls Who Dare to Be Different, by Lisa Selin Davis BROADVIEW with Lisa Selin Davis -- Lisa's subscription newsletter Women 32% More Likely to Die After Operation by Male Surgeon, Study Reveals -- The Guardian article about the study mentioned at 13:12 How to Raise a Boy (w Michael C. Reichert) -- ON BOYS conversation To Raise a Boy (w Emma Brown) -- ON BOYS conversation Raising Them: Our Adventures in Gender Creative Parenting, by Kyl Myers -- book mentioned at 40:01 Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ONBOYS22 discount code to SAVE 22% off your orderAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Nefertiti Austin’s son was 6 yrs old when she realized he’d “have to learn that his race and gender could get him killed," she writes in Motherhood So White: A Memoir of Race, Gender, and Parenting in America. That's not a lesson white boys have to learn, and that's one consequence of living in a country where motherhood is so white. As Nefertiti points out in her 2019 book, the default “parent” in American culture is a married white person with white children. Her 15 year old son is now 5'10 and wears a size 10 shoe. He's not an adult, but Nefertiti knows that many people are far more likely to look at her son and see a threat than a child deserving protection and nourishment. "He is seen as a Black man in America, so the protections that your sons have, he does not have," Nefertiti told Jen. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Nefertiti discuss: The "talk" parents have with Black boys Becoming a parent via adoption & the foster care system Helping boys navigate gender norms The parenthood stories we don't tell The wisdom, burdens & challenges of Black motherhood Making space for & including parents of all cultures Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: nefertitiaustion.com -- Nefertiti's website Motherhood So White: A Memoir of Race, Gender, and Parenting in America, by Nefertiti Austin Supporting Black Boys' Mental Health (w Chandra White-Cummings) -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 16:30 How I'm Teaching My Black Children to Thrive in a World That Isn't Fair -- Nefertiti's Washington Post article (mentioned at 26:38) Critical Race Theory -- article by Nefertiti (mentioned at 27:45) Becoming -- Michelle Obama's memoir (mentioned at 32:14) The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys -- classic Building Boys post (mentioned at 36:13) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-course Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Sports and masculinity have long been intertwined. For a long time, boys and men were the only ones who were allowed to play sports. Athletic fields and locker rooms were seen as places where boys became men. We’ve seen where that can lead. We’ve seen little boys & teenagers told to “man up!”, “rub some dirt on it” and play past the pain. We’ve heard “locker room talk” and know all about horrific hazing that has happened in some high school locker rooms. Each of us can probably name multiple top athletes who’ve been accused of sexual assault, domestic violence or murder. And yet, in recent years, we’ve seen some pretty amazing examples of male athletes pushing back against stereotypical gender norms.  "There's a long narrative around boys dominating the field and boys being trained to be men. And sport and athleticism was yet another arena in which boys and men could publicly demonstrate strength, domination, and power over other men," says Michael Kehler, PhD, Werklund Research Professor, Masculinities Studies at the University of Calgary. Sports, he says, has become another "bastion of the male elite" where boys and men "establish themselves within the hierarchy of masculinity." Before signing your son up for a sport, you should "think carefully about why," Michael says. Why are you choosing sport over, say, other physical activities? And why are you choosing that particular sport? It is because your son has expressed an interest in the activity? Because you or his father played it? Because you want him to toughen up? "We need to be award of the intentional ways in which we contribute to our children's understanding of gender through certain activities," he says. It is most helpful to encourage our kids to try a wide variety of activities. "The more that our children have opportunities to try things and express themselves in different ways, then the healthier they're going to be in terms of their own well-being," Michael says, "because they see that they don't need to adhere to those fairly rigid (and what can be very damaging) scripts of masculinity." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Michael discuss: Why (& how) sports & masculinity are linked How adult ideas about sport & masculinity influence the sports offer to little boys Hierarchy of sports in the male world Other physical activities for boys Sports, popularity, & social currency Helping boys understand that there are many ways to be a boy or man How coaches affect boys' understanding of masculinity Why male affection seems more welcome in sport than elsewhere Body image and bodyshaming How to tell if it's time to quit a sport Masculinity and mental health Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Rule of Being a Man: If We Know Them, Why Don't We Change Them? -- Dr. Kehler's TEDx talk Men & Boys Cry Too -- Building Boys post about incident mentioned at 4:39 How (Not) to Talk to Boys -- Building Boys post (mentioned at 21:32) Coaches Speak About Youth Sports -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ONBOYS22 discount code to SAVE 22% off your orderAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Yes, it's possible to have a kid and a life. A life beyond babies, boys, and ballgames. A life that includes your hopes, dreams, and passions. It's normal (and healthy) for your career, marriage, and friendships to shift and evolve when you become a parent. But you don't have to give your all to parenting. It's okay (and healthy!) to reserve some time and energy for yourself. "As my son got older, all of my activities centered around what he did," says Ericka Souter, a journalist and author of How to Have a Kid and a Life: A Survival Guide. "I realized that I was drowning in kid activities and I was unhappy about that. I felt like I needed to do something for myself." That urge led her to interview other moms and begin writing her book. Reporting, researching, traveling and talking to others helped Erika feel whole again. Of course, it's not easy to make time for yourself amidst the demands of family life. So, you'll have to let go of things that don't serve you. "You have to give yourself permission to let go of people and activities that don't make you feel good," Ericka says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Ericka discuss: The "mom gene" Making time for personal passions How to make mom friends Advocating for yourself Why taking time for yourself is good for your kids Taking back ownership of your body Prioritizing time with your partner Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: How to Have a Kid and a Life: A Survival Guide -- Ericka's book erikasouter.com -- Ericka's website Discovery of the "Mom Gene" May Explain Why Some of Us Don't Crave Having Kids -- article by Ericka (mentioned at 6:45) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or moreAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Which ON BOYS episodes were the Best of 2021?  Photo by Olya Kobruseva from Pexels The answers may surprise you! 5. Highly Sensitive Boys with William Allen By age 5, William Allen understood very clearly that he was different. People told him to “man up” and that he “needed to be tougher.” Their words and reactions to his emotions told him, in no uncertain terms, that he was not living up to the masculine ideal. And, like many highly sensitive people (HSP), William reacted strongly to criticism. He internalized it and assumed that people were laughing at him, for instance, rather than his ridiculous costume when he took the stage in a school play. William says parents can help their highly sensitive sons learn how to verbalize and test their internal thoughts.. If you liked this episode, you may like Sensitive Boys (w Sandy Gluckman) 4. The First-Time Mom's Guide to Raising Boys Jen & Janet talk about Jen's first book, The First-Time Mom's Guide to Raising Boys! “If you don’t express an openness or willingness to listen to your son’s viewpoint, he’s not going to listen to yours. Remember that you have different perspectives. When it comes to social issues, your son does not know what happened 20, 30, 50, 100 years before he was born. So you have important perspective that you can share with him. But at the same time, you don’t know what his daily experience is like. You don’t fully understand what’s happening in schools, what it’s like to be a kid today." If you liked this episode, you may like Parenting Tween & Teenage Boys 3. Dr. Michele Borba Knows How to Help Boys Thrive Many boys are stressed but don’t tell their parents because “they don’t want to hurt us,” Dr. Borba says. They want and need coping skills, and aren’t getting what they need from school social-emotional learning (SEL) programs. And they’re really worried about “flunking life.” It’s time for parents to pivot and refocus their parenting efforts. The first step, Dr. Borba says, is to prioritize mental health. If you liked this episode, you may like You Can Thrive with Chronic Illness and Special Needs 2. How to NOT Raise an A-Hole Karen Alpert (of the blog Baby Sideburns), a mom of two and author of Mamas, Don’t Let Your Kids Grow Up to be A-Holes: Unfiltered Advice on How to Raise Awesome Kids, recognizes that parents are terrified of inadvertently raising assholes. “It is definitely one of my big fears,” she says. “I don’t want to raise a kid that’s an a-hole. All the sexting and scary stuff and  male chauvinism and racism  – I’m trying to hard to teach my kids that stuff shouldn’t be part of their lives.” If you liked this episode, you may like Just Don't be an Asshole (w Kara Kinney Cartwright)  1. Keeping Boys Safe Online (w Amy Lang) Boys today don’t even have to go looking for porn; it finds them. A simple, developmentally appropriate search for “sex” or “boobs” can lead to some pretty disturbing content in just a click or two, which means we have to talk to our boys about sex, likely at lot earlier than you may think. “All the research shows that parents are the most important influence when it comes to sexual decision-making,” Amy says. “If we don’t get in the door early, our impact is less. It’s really important to establish yourself as their go-to person.” If you liked this episode, you may like Parenting Sexually Active Boys Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your order    Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

ON BOYS listeners really want to know how to keep boys safe online. Which makes sense, given that the internet is a portal to all kinds of free and easily accessible porn -- as well as conspiracy theories, disinformation, and peer pressure. In January 2021, we asked our friend Amy Lang to help us address this question, and she did not disappoint. The resulting episode was so well-received that it became our most popular episode of 2021. Keeping Boys Safe Online has been downloaded more than 8,000 times! (For context: That's 1,000 more downloads than our next most popular episode.) A few highlights: “All the research shows that parents are the most important influence when it comes to sexual decision-making. If we don’t get in the door early, our impact is less. It’s really important to establish yourself as their go-to person.” and “I think it’s way more important to be sexually savvy and to understand healthy relationships than to score a 9000 on the PSAT.” In this episode, Jen, Janet & Amy discuss: Why you need to talk to your boys about sex a lot sooner than you think How boys accidently encounter porn Setting the stage to talk about sex Does talking to boys about porn encourage them to seek it out? Establishing family guidelines re internet usage The difference between parental controls and monitoring (and how to use each) How porn affects boys Preparing boys for porn exposure Helping boys resist peer pressure to look at porn Keeping boys safe online Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Next Gen Men Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 15% off their Raising Next Gen Men course, designed for parents, educators, coaches, and youth workers who work with boys and believe in better possibilities for the next generation of men. Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your orderAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How do we raise next gen men -- men who can thrive in the 21st century? "When you're on a playground, you can't yell, 'Hey, Tommy, cut that hegemonic masculinity out!'" says Jake Stika, co-founder of Next Gen Men, a Canadian organization dedicated to changing how the world sees, acts and thinks about masculinity. Parents, educators and boys need concrete, practical suggestions and assistance. Talking to boys about consent, for example, is not enough. Today's tweens and teens understand the concept of consent and understand why it's important, but they need help figuring out how to apply consent in their personal relationships. "They want to know, 'What do I actually say, that's not too awkward?'" says Jonathon Reed, youth program manager for Next Gen Men. Boys also need and want to understand their role in the #MeToo era. Many have heard that they should listen to women and girls and want to know if they're allowed to talk as well. "It's really benevolent sexism that we're perpetuating when we don't empower boys to be stakeholders, beneficiaries, and co-conspirators in conversations" about equality, the gender wage gap, childcare, and parenting, Stika says. In this episode, Jen, Janet, Jake & Jonathon discuss: Helping boys understand consent (and giving them words to use in real-life situations) Creating space for boys to find solutions How boys use humor Gendered expectations Gender equity Benevolent sexism Male-on-male violence Why boys (all boys!) need people who see them, value them, & KNOW them The difference between harm & abuse Boys & anger (Did you know that trauma can manifest as anger?) Metabolizing shame Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: NextGenMen website Breaking the Boy Code -- our previous ON BOYS conversation with Jonathon Raising Next Gen Men course -- use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% ON BOYS episodes featuring ADHD Dude Ryan Wexelblatt (mentioned at 14:17) Boys & Sex (w Peggy Orenstein) -- ON BOYS episode We Will Not Cancel Us -- essay by Adrienne Brown (mentioned at 34:22) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your order Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for families  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Dr. Jon Lasser believes we all have a role to play in expanding boys' opportunities. The Man Box and Boy Code still limit and shape boys' behavior. And although there are plenty of books and TV shows that encourage girls to step past gendered boundaries, there are far fewer resources for boys and their parents. "As a feminist dad, I found a lot of great resources for girls that showed them that they could be anyone they wanted to be. They could be strong and capable and powerful. But I didn't see a lot of resources for boys," says Dr. Jon, a school psychologist, psychology professor and dad of two adult daughters. He decided to address the issue by authoring a children's picture book entitled What Boys Do. Our boys absorb so many unconscious messages about gender. As a child, Dr. Jon noticed the males and females of his family sorting themselves into separate rooms and activities after Thanksgiving dinner. The men went into the living room to watch football; the women talked while working together in the kitchen. Young Jon was more interested in the kitchen conversations. "I wish I had had someone pulled me aside and say, 'It's okay to go where you're comfortable. It's okay to go where you can be you. You don't have to go where the Y chromosomes go,'" he says. Parents, teachers, and caregivers also must make an effort to move past "our own preconceived notions of 'what boys like,'" Dr. Jon says, and to "celebrate what they like." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jon discuss: Unconscious gender divisions in family gatherings Supporting boys' interests How children understand and learn about gender Why some boys welcome therapy - and others resist it The importance of FREEDOM and FUN Discussing gender role stereotypes with boys Gender role strain The problem with "problematizing" teen's tendency to question authority Books for boys Using imaginative play to learn about & understand your son Unconditional positive regard for boys Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: What Boys Do, by Dr. Jon Lasser -- Dr. Jon's picture book My Boy Can with Sassy Harvey -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 3:58) "My Boy Can" Parenting -- earlier ON BOYS conversation with Sassy Are You My Mother? -- classic children's book (mentioned at 24:35) Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? -- classic children's book (mentioned at 24:40) The Paper Bag Princess -- book mentioned at 27:30 Tech Generation: Raising Balanced Kids in a Hyper-Connected World, by Mike Brooks & Dr. Jon Lasser (mentioned at 41:00) Magination Press -- includes links to Dr. Jon's other picture books Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for families   Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your orderAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Jack Kammer says boys are affected by sexism too.  Boys and girls who engage in the same exact behavior may be treated very differently. And yet, when we fail to acknowledge that fact, we contribute to the gaslighting of our boys. Because the truth is that males and females both experience advantages AND disadvantages related to their sex and gender. But while a lot of societal effort has been directed toward decreasing gender-related disadvantages that hold back females, little attention has been directed toward eliminating barriers commonly encountered by boys and men. "For the past 60 years, we've done a pretty good job of making sure that girls have a lot of fluidity in the choices that they can make and the options they can pursue," says Kammer, author of Heroes of the Blue Sky Rebellion: How You and Other Young Men Can Claim All the Happiness in the World. "We don't do that so much for boys." In fact, he says, when it comes to love, relationships, nurturing, and expression, today's prevailing narrative posits female superiority and male inferiority. As a result, too many boys and men (and girls & women) believe that males can't multi-task or competently care for young children. "It was a very bad thing for our nation to waste all of the talent that women had to be good business people, lawyers, and scientists. It's really a bad thing for us to waste all of the love and nurturance, the desire to be fully human and helpful, that men feel," Kammer says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jack discuss: Helping boys grapple with sexism Advocating for boys in the classroom and on the playground Recess and its importance for boys (& girls) Fluidity for boys How gender stereotypes harm boys & men Shame's impact on boys Empowering boys to delay sexual activity Encouraging father involvement Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: jackkammer.com -- Jack's website (includes links to his male-friendly podcasts) Heroes of the Blue Sky Rebellion: How You and Other Young Men Can Claim All the Happiness in the World -- Jack's book Boy Moms as Boy Advocates -- ON BOYS episode featuring Gemma Gaudette (mentioned at 6:10) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for families   Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your orderAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Did you know that boys may be more susceptible to respiratory viruses than girls? Society tells us that boys are strong and tough, but the truth is that males are biologically fragile -- from before birth all the way through to death. Male fetuses are more likely to be miscarried than female fetuses, especially during stressful times. Men tend to have weaker immune systems than women, and males are more susceptible to all kinds of viral respiratory illnesses, including the common cold, influenza respiratory syncytial virus (RSV), and COVID-19. Males who contract COVID-19 are more likely than females with the same illness to land in the hospital and develop complications. Handwashing, plenty of sleep, fresh diet and a healthy diet can all bolster boys' immune systems. Given the amount of "crud" out there this time of year, you may want to take some extra steps to protect your son's respiratory health -- and minimize the number of sick days your family has this year! Most respiratory viruses spread through the air. Infected people exhale the virus, which can linger in the air. Others in the area unknowingly inhale the virus -- and often become sick a few days later. Wearing a well-fitting mask in public places can dramatically decrease the chances of your son (and your family) contracting a respiratory illness. "Nobody wants to wear a mask," says Jim Rathburn, CEO of of LCP Medical and a dad & grandfather of boys. "But societally, I think we have reached a new normal where wearing a mask is important in some situations." Consider wearing masks: At the grocery store On public transportation In school settings At airports "Those are high risk areas where you don't know if other people are infected or there's something floating around in the atmosphere," Jim says. "There's at least 100 different viruses out there that want to join your cells. Some of them are relatively benign and some of them are a huge threat to life. "It doesn't take much just to wear a protective mask that can prevent you from getting something." This episode is sponsored by LCP Medical. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jim discuss: Boys' vulnerability to respiratory viruses How respiratory viruses spread How masks decrease transmission of respiratory viruses Characteristics of effective masks Why we're all increasingly susceptible to the common cold Truth about parenting boys! Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Don't Want Your Kids to Wear a Mask in School? Do This. -- Building Boys post Sick Day Survival -- classic Building Boys post Why Are Americans Still -- Still! - Wearing Cloth Masks? -- Atlantic article (mentioned at 11:27) Healthcare Providers Need Better than N95 -- Modern Healthcare article authored by Jim (mentioned at 15:05) Flu Has Disappeared for More Than a Year -- Scientific American article discussed at 23:15 Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your order  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Video game addiction Google that term and you'll get 95 million results -- and the first one is for an addiction treatment center. But is video game addiction really "a thing?" More importantly -- what can parents do if they think their kid's gaming is out of control? Step one, says Chris Ferguson, a psychology professor and co-author of Moral Combat: Why the War on Video Video Games is Wrong, is to figure out if technology & gaming "is really the culprit." Often, video games aren't the cause of obsessive behavior; rather, excessive or obsessive gaming can be a symptom of an underlying issue. Depression, for instance, may be the root cause of obsessive gaming. And if that's the case, taking away a child's phone or video game system is unlikely to lead to positive changes. Instead, the child will become angry and resentful and his depression -- the thing that's fueling his desire for comfort and escape -- remains. To most effectively parent tweens & teens, you have to first identify -- and then question -- your own fears and biases. Are you afraid that playing video video games will turn your son into a school shooter? Take heart -- research to date does not support a link between video game violence & real-world violence. (In fact, school shooters are less likely than their peers to play video games.) It also helps to remember moral panics of the past. (Did the rock music you listened to as a teen turn you into a Satanist? Probably not...) In most cases, parents and children can work together to address problematic gaming. If you need professional help, look for a psychologist or psychiatrist who specializes in working with teenagers. Your child does not need  -- and probably won't benefit from -- working with an addiction specialist. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Chris discuss: Why calling excessive gaming an "addiction" isn't helpful How kids use gaming as a coping mechanism Typical teen development (& how that may influence your son's use of games, and your perception of your son) The link between parenting style, school stress & gaming Why boys choose video gaming over homework & chores Setting rules & boundaries for video games, screen time, homework & household chores Moral panics, music & video games Do video games negatively affect boys' perceptions of women? Realistic expectations for parenting tween & teenage boys Male development (note: guys tend to mature more slowly than their female counterparts) Warning signs of video game "addiction" What to do if you see technology overuse Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Moral Combat: Why the War on Video Video Games is Wrong, by Patrick Markey & Chris Ferguson christopherjferguson.com -- Chris' website How the War on Video Games is Hurting Your Son -- Building Boys post The Link Between Freedom and Video Games -- Building Boys post The First-Time Mom's Guide to Raising Boys: Practical Advice for Your Son's Formative Years, by Jennifer L.W. Fink -- Jen's book, mentioned at 17:24 How Madness Shaped History: An Eccentric Array of Maniacal Rulers, Raving Narcissists, and Psychotic Visionaries -- Chris' latest book Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for familiesAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Before he started The Tyler Merritt Project or created his viral video, Before You Call the Cops, Tyler Merritt was a confused, young black boy trying to make sense of all the expectations and stereotypes swirling around him. "I wish somebody had really sat down with me as a young person and simply said, 'Hey, Tyler, you're going to make a lot of mistakes. A lot of mistakes. And those mistakes are going to go on for a very long time. But listen young man: do not let those mistakes ruin you; do not let those mistakes define you. Let those mistakes become your fuel, your fire to burn stronger and become the man that can help change the world." That's a message our boys need to hear.  It's one we all need to hear. Mistakes are survivable. And hiding due to shame, regret, or fear of another mistake is, well, a mistake. "What and who are we missing because we have convinced individuals that they no longer have worth because of the mistakes that they have made?" Tyler says. "How many great leaders have we missed? How many great faith leaders, political leaders, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers have decided that they no longer want to do that thing that is significantly just them, that only they can do, because they have decided that those one or two mistakes are things that they can never come back from?" Tyler speaks from experience. He withdrew from social media (and many real-world interactions) after intimate photos he privately sent to another individual, um, were discovered by her husband. Who threatened to share the photos with the entire world. Loneliness set in. But eventually, Tyler realized that mistakes are universal. "I remember thinking to myself: I don't need to just come back through this for myself; I need to come back through this for every young man, young woman, everyone that I've hurt, to let them know that we can still do great things," he says. Now, "finding are finding hope in themselves because of my stories," Tyler says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Tyler discuss: Expectations placed on boys How history affects black boys in school even today Recovering from mistakes Letting people see your full self How loving yourself helps you love others Finding hope in spite of anger How accepting our mistakes allows us to connect with others Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: I Take My Coffee Black: Reflections on Tupac, Musical Theatre, Faith, and Being Black in America -- Tyler's book Before You Call the Cops -- Tyler's viral video The Tyler Merritt Project on Facebook How to be an Antiracist, by Ibram X. Kendi -- books mentioned at 14:36 Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Schedule a Breakthrough Session with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for familiesAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Is wilderness therapy a good choice for troubled boys?  For boys who are self-harming, self-medicating with alcohol or drugs, or in trouble with the law? Is wilderness therapy the solution for families who have tried everything and are desperate to help their sons? It can be, says Jane (name changed at her request, to protect her family's privacy) and Tami, two parents who made the decision to place their sons in wilderness therapy programs, and TJ, Tami's 21-year-old son who was enrolled in an outdoor behavioral healthcare program four years ago. "Our son started spiraling years ago, and we tried everything we could. Therapists. Coaches. Talking to him. More severe consequences," Jane says. "We were dealing with school avoidance, experimenting with drugs and alcohol, and defiance, and it got to the point where my husband and I just didn't feel like we had control. It was this cycle of dysfunction, and it got so bad that our family started to normalize it." Things deteriorated to the point that their son's therapist told them their son would either end up "in an orange jumpsuit, or with an addiction problem." Their son was 14. The final straw, Jane says, came when her son's school said they may have to report the family to social services due to their son's continued truancy. Four years after his therapy experience, TJ says the discomfort was worth it. "It is honestly miserable a good amount of the time. It's hard; it's not an easy experience. But no experience worth having is easy," he says. "If I hadn't done those 3 months in the wilderness, I don't know where I'd be today. It really did teach me a lot about myself and how to live in a positive way." Photo by Justin Burger via Flickr In this episode, Jen, Jane, Tami Ann & TJ discuss: Why families choose wilderness therapy Prioritizing mental health What to do when therapy doesn't seem to work Family dysregulation Why tweens/teens drink alcohol/use drugs The wilderness therapy experience How to find (and vet) an educational consultant Parents' role in wilderness therapy Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: A Wilderness Story: A Teen's Road to Healing, by Tami Ann -- FB page for Tami Ann's book Troubled Boys (w Kenneth R Rosen) -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 2:51 Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) -- resource mentioned by TJ; help for people who drinking and substance use problems Wilderness Therapy w Paul Cumbo -- ON BOYS episode discussing a novel about wilderness therapy ICEA (International Association of Educational Consultants) -- resource mentioned at 50:45 Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for familiesAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Need some practical parenting strategies to help you manage hitting, backtalk and disobedience?  Amy Williams has solutions. Amy is a school counselor who also helps overwhelmed and stuck parents. And let's be real: we all feel overwhelmed, stuck, and unsure at various points during our parenting journey. Giving ourselves grace is step one to moving forward, Amy says. Pause. Take some deep breaths. Step away from the situation, if you can. "If the tantrum is happening over there, but there are no blood, brains or bones, you can take a minute to take care of yourself," she says, "so you can come back and be the parent you want to be vs. the parent who is at that high stress, dysregulated state. "Our children need us to be regulated, and when we don't take our own self into consideration and have respect for ourselves as a person -- and know how to regulate ourselves -- then our children won't see that happen. We are role models." Despite our best intentions, many of us unconsciously sabotage our parenting efforts. The most common forms of parental self-sabotage include: Talking too much Procrastination "Forgetting to pant" Negative scripting Ignoring your own unmet needs Identifying your typical patterns can help you figure out which changes to make to quickly yield better results. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Amy discuss: Why self-care is essential for effective parenting How role-modeling can teach emotional regulation 4 ways parents sabotage their parenting efforts Adult talking speed vs. kids' processing speed (we talk too fast for kids to process!) Connecting with your child during "neutral" time Breaking family patterns Narrating interactions with your kids What to say when your child says, "I'm stupid!" or "I hate you!" Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Amy Williams Academy -- Amy's website Caring Discipline: Practical Tools for Nurturing Happy Families and Classrooms, by Joanne Nordling -- book mentioned at 20:51 Teacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotions, & Play -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 42:00 janetlansbury.com -- website of parenting educator mentioned by Amy Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for familiesAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Hunt, Gather, Parent, by Michaeleen Doucleff, shares ancient wisdom that's still relevant today: the key to raising healthy, happy, helpful humans is to engage them in work of the family and community.  That's a truth we seem to have forgotten in our collective desire to optimize our kids. Our intentions are good, but our actions -- signing our kids up for multiple extracurricular activities; spending our weekends shuffling them around to tournaments and birthday parties -- may actually be harming our kids' development. Michaeleen's investigation of parenting practices began when her daughter was two and hitting, biting, and experiencing frequent tantrums. "Everything in my heart wanted to help her, to teach her how to calm down," Michaeleen says. So, like a good modern parent, Michaeleen read parenting books and blogs. But nothing she tried seemed to help. "We'd get in these big cycles: I'd eventually get angry and she would get louder," Michaeleen says. "To be honest, I really started to dread my time with her." Then Michaeleen, a science correspondent for NPR, was sent to the Yucatan to follow up on a research paper that found that Mayan kids are better at paying attention than American kids. The experience was life-changing. "What those parents showed me in the week we were there really shifted my whole thinking about parenting," she says. "I started to realize there's a different way to do this that's not only easier but more effective." Learn more in Hunt, Gather, Parent by Michaeleen Doucleff. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Michaeleen discuss: How a trip to the Yucatan shifted Michaeleen's approach to parenting Why letting children explore is more effective than telling kids what to do Going against the parenting grain Benefits of family-focused (vs. kid-focused) parenting Involving kids in the work of the family Why you should get rid of some of your kids' toys Creating opportunities to share How kids develop initiative Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans -- Michaeleen's book A Global Guide for Parents: How Your Kids Can Have Fun Without Stressing You Out -- NPR article by Michaeleen michaeleendoucleff.com -- Michaeleen's website Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for familiesAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Teaching boys to drive can be exciting, scary. and intimidating. Boys are more likely than girls to speed, drink while driving, and take chances when they have passengers in the car. "I think he thought driving was going to be super intuitive," says Carole, mom of Lucas, a newly-licensed driver. "When we started, he was like, 'Whoa, this is not at all what I thought it was going to be!' It's not Forza." No matter how many hours your son has logged Forza and other popular driving video games, it's a good idea to start his real-world driving adventure in a parking lot or other wide-open space where he can gain experience without worrying about other drivers. But even after your son has mastered the basics of driving, it can be unnerving for parents to hand over control of car. "It was definitely hard to see him drive off the very first time," Carole says. "It immediately brought me back to when he was in 5th grade and wanted to ride his bike to school. We don't live on a super bike-able road, so we talked about it and we biked it together and the day he rode off by himself, I was like, 'Oh my gosh, I just have to trust that everything I've done up to this point is going to be enough.'" In this episode, Jen, Janet, Carole & Lucas discuss: Parental involvement in teaching boys to drive Driver's ed State requirements to obtain a driver's license Real-world driving vs. by-the-books driving Managing parental fears & grief Safety concerns Effectively communicating risk to teenage boys What to do if your son doesn't want to learn to drive Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Age 16 & Learning to Let Go -- Building Boys post Safety Tips for Parents Teaching Their Boys How to Drive -- Building Boys post Here's How You Keep Your Teen Safe on the Road -- Building Boys post 6 Things Every Father Should Teach His Son About Cars -- Building Boys post How to Help Kids with ADHD Drive Safely -- Child Mind Institute article Teens with ADHD and Driving -- article from Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for families    Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Let legendary parenting author Steve Biddulph teach you how to be a fully human parent. His book, Fully Human: A New Way of Using Your Mind, came out a few months ago and Janet talked to him about it then. Later this month, he's releasing a brand new online talk about being a fully human parent, so we're re-running Janet's conversation with Steve and encourage you all to check out his talk. We'll let Steve tell you about it: For months now I have been hard at work writing and filming a BRAND NEW TALK- It is called The Fully Human Parent, and is all about how to protect and strengthen your mental health, and that of your children. It is a lot of fun, and as you will know with my talks, has a remarkable emotional impact.  The editors working on it said they were crying as they worked on the stories.   This talk is direct from my living room, with beautiful graphics and teaching segments to make it visually full of life. It teaches how to help your kids master their own minds, and know how to release anxiety, move through strong feelings safely, and grow their feeling of love and connection.   And be strong and know what is right for them, so they aren’t pushed or pulled by others around them.    It also teaches a strong spirituality that is applicable within or without religious traditions. So we invite you to the World Premiere of this talk,  on Thursday October 21st.  And as another world first, it is viewable in ANY TIME ZONE at the convenient time of 8 p.m.  regardless of where you live in the world. Teenagers might even enjoy it.  (It’s a bit intense for primary children) but MAINLY ITS FOR YOU, SO YOU CAN HAVE BETTER MENTAL HEALTH AND TEACH YOUR CHILDREN HOW TO DO THAT TOO. The Fully Human Parent  -  Thursday 21st October 8.00 pm    Just $16.00 per family ticket.  Please tell your friends too! https://www.trybooking.com/BTQVT Sincerely, Steve and the teamAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Parenting boys thru divorce is...challenging. Hard. Not fun. And also, important and worthy of your best effort. Unfortunately, most people going through divorce are not exactly in peak condition. Divorce and separation is all kinds of stressful, and it's near-impossible to be your best self when so much of your time and energy is focused on survival and figuring out what the &#*(^ happened to your relationship. Start by dialing back some the guilt. Reports that divorce is uniformly terrible for kids -- and especially so for boys -- have been greatly exaggerated, says Patrick Markey, PhD, co-author of F*ck Divorce: A Science-Based Guide to Piecing Yourself Together After Your Life Implodes.  "For most children and adults, divorce is not going to be a thing that defines their lives," he says. "It's part of their lives and it's going to affect them forever, but it's not going to set them on a path of doom." 5 factors affect boys' response to divorce or separation: Financial situation Peer relationships Self-blame The parents' relationships with one another Parents' parenting styles "It's kind of like allergies: for most people, peanut butter is totally fine. But for some people with certain pre-existing conditions, they could have some troubling outcomes." Patrick says. "Divorce is the same way. For most kids, it's not going to be great, but they're going to get through it. But for some children with certain environmental circumstances, they might be more at risk for experiencing some problems." Your efforts to manage your emotions and build and maintain a functional relationship with your co-parent will go a long way to increasing your son's chances of thriving despite divorce. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Patrick discuss: Parenting boys thru divorce What research says regarding the impact of divorce on kids 5 factors that affect boys' response to divorce Interacting with your ex How to productively communicate with you ex Facilitating boys' connections with their fathers Dads who aren't great role models Helping kids deal with self-blame Teaching kids about healthy relationships Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: F*ck Divorce: A Science-Based Guide to Piecing Yourself Together After Your Life Implodes, by Patrick Markey & Erica Slotter -- Patrick's book Is Shared Parenting Best for Boys After Divorce? -- BuildingBoys blog post Tips for Single Moms Raising Boys - BuildingBoys blog post What About Less-Than-Ideal Role Models? -- BuildingBoys blog post (relevant to conversation at 22:54) Kate & Jon Gosselin Missed this Memo -- BuildingBoys blog post How the War on Violent Video Games is Hurting Your Son -- BuildingBoys blog post featuring an interview with Patrick, about his book, Moral Combat: Why the War on Violent Video Game is Wrong Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Is healthy sports parenting possible? At elite levels of competition? If you watched the 2020 summer Olympics (held summer 2021), you know that the stress & strain of elite competition was a big focus this year. Simone Biles had the “twisties.” Michael Phelps talked about his bouts with depression. A few months after the Olympics, Biles and other former Olympians testified (again) about the abuse they suffered at the hands of former team doctor Larry Nassar.  We  wondered, Is it possible for a child to attain athletic greatness without suffering? Can parents' protect young athletes' physical and mental health when so many value "wins" over well-being? It is, says Jeanette Hurt, a Milwaukee-based writer and parent of a young gymnast and diver. From a young age, her son had "an intense need to move," she says. His early forays into sports -- baseball, swimming, gymnastics -- were positive. But when he started showing talent in gymnastics and moved up to working out with older gymnasts, Jeanette noticed some disturbing signs. "Quinn started developing some tics; he was having a really rough time," Jeanette says. After her son told her that an older athlete on the team assigned physical punishment to her son for "not paying attention," Jeanette talked to a sports psychologist who pointed her toward safesport.org, which outlines abusive vs. healthy coaching practices. Red flags that may indicate abusive coaching include: Coaches insulting youth athletes A child who is crying or doesn't want to go to practice Coaches who insist the child focuses on a single sport, despite other interests Jeanette pulled her son out of that program and encourages other sports parents to "trust your gut." Today, her son is thriving. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jeanette discuss: Recognizing - & responding to -- abusive coaching Supporting young athletes' physical and mental health When to let an athlete quit The role of sports parents Recognizing signs of athleticism in young boys Should you reward kids of athletic achievements? Discovering your son's superpowers Preventing & managing sports injuries Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Healthy Sports Parenting Starts with These Tips -- Chicago Health article by Jeanette (mentioned at 5:04) safesport.org -- website mentioned at 6:28 jeanettehurt.com -- Jeanette's website, featuring links to her books Coaches Speak About Youth Sports -- ON BOYS episode The Vein of Gold: A Journey to Your Creative Heart, by Julia Cameron -- book mentioned at 16:32 #HeySportsParents: An Essential Guide for Any Parent with a Child in Sports, by Sharkie Zartman and Dr. Robert Weil -- book mentioned at 18:09Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Boy moms make the most effective boy advocates.  That's a lesson Gemma Gaudette learned early on. Gaudette, the host of Idaho Matters on Boise State Public Radio and the mom of 2 sons, ages 13 and 9, didn’t really understand the challenges boys face in the world until she had sons. Now, she believes that moms of boys need to advocate on their behalf. "If we don't stand up for our boys, no one else will," Gaudette says.  When her boys started elementary school, Gaudette realized that many adults misunderstood boys' physicality. "My one son missed a week of recess in the first grade -- in the first grade! -- for playing Tag too rough," she says. "Yet the girls who were involved did not miss recess." By second grade, her younger son -- who has ADHD -- was labeled by teachers and educators as "a bad kid," she says. That was when she realized that "boys are being put into these boxes of how they're supposed to be and how they're supposed to behave," Gaudette says, while girls are allowed more fluidity. "I'm so happy that girls are allowed this fluidity, to be rough and tumble, to be sweet, to be all of these things, and I think we're still struggling with that with our boys," she says. "We have to do a better job of allowing boys as much fluidity as girls." Boys moms are perfectly positioned to advocate for true gender equity. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Gemma discuss: How adult misunderstanding of boys creates problems Boys' experiences in elementary school Implicit bias and gender stereotypes Double standards that harm boys & girls The societal narrative that paints boys as potential predators Why moms must speak out against implicit bias against boys Male development vs. female development Working towards gender equity for all Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Raising Boys -- CBSN documentary featuring Jen & Gemma (mentioned at 2:15) Is There a "Right" Way to Talk to Your Kids About Coronavirus? -- Janet on Gemma's show, Idaho Matters ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude - ON BOYS episode mentioned by Gemma at 2:45 Dr, Michele Borba Knows How to Help Boys Thrive -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 37:01 Gorilla of Pain -- Gemma's son's YouTube channel. Here's one of our favorite videos: Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Like it or not, your son will probably become sexually active at some point.  Do you... a) buy him condoms? b) let his romantic interest stay over? c) say ABSOLUTELY NOT to sleep over requests? d) freak out? Or....???? Note: there are no "right" answers to these questions. Each family has their own values regarding sex, and each of our sons is a unique human being.  -- which means that we each have to grapple with these questions. Today's guests are Dick and Dennie, a brother and sister who are each parenting young adults. They helped steer their teens through crushes, dating and relationships. They made some different choices along the way, but the children of each are doing well and their parent/child relationships remain strong. "Our parting gift to all of our kids, as we're leaving their college room, is the value-pack of condoms," Dennie says. "Whether it was our daughter or our 3 boys. We would say, "listen, even if you're not using them, if your friend needs it, hand 'em out." Dick admits to thinking about male and female sexuality differently. "I am aware, and have been for a long time, that I have 2 different perspectives on the way I think about sex for my boys and they way I think about sex for my daughter," he says. "It's not really a double standard; it's just a distinctly different perspective." He shared stories of his teenage experiences with his sons. "I think the most important and most valuable thing that I've done with my boys in particular, that I think was really a service to them -- they didn't like it, but I think it really was very good -- is I talked with them about what it's like to be a high school boy and what I was like as a high school boy and what happened to me." He admitted to his sons that he had "no idea what was going on" during his first consensual sexual experience. In this episode, Jen, Janet, Dick & Dennie discuss: Unpacking family values regarding sex The role of your child's pediatrician in sex ed Setting family rules re dating and relationships First sexual relationships Tackling our own fears and hang-ups re talking about sex Helping teenage boys understand the power of sexual urges Discussing consent -- & ensuring boys' understand their legal vulnerability Teaching respect for others Supporting kids' evolving relationships as they mature Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Boys & Sex with Peggy Orenstein -- ON BOYS episode 21st Century Sex Ed with Jo Langford -- ON BOYS episode Talk to Boys About Sex with Amy Lang -- ON BOYS episode Boundaries & Consent (w Sarah Casper) -- ON BOYS episode Talking to Boys About Sexually Aggressive Girls -- classic Building Boys postAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Is your son musical?  Yes, he is -- even if hates singing, doesn't play an instrument, and acts up in music class. Human beings are inherently musical creatures, according to Joan Koenig, author of The Musical Child: Using the Power of Music to Raise Children Who Are Happy, Healthy, and Whole. In her book, Joan says that music: Helps develop vital physical coordination Fine-tunes our speech & hearing Reinforces memory Builds a practice of creative things Creates pleasure & connection Unfortunately, many of us adults, particularly in the Western world, have learned that music is for "musicians," when, in reality, we're all musical. Children naturally move to music. Cultures worldwide, across space and time, have used music to teach, connect, and express. "Music engages more than words," Joan says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Joan discuss: Why kids need to make music How music helps kids develop essential skills When (and how) to make music with your child Why music should be part of school curriculum (spoiler alert: kids learn best via music & movement!) How stereotypes affect boys' involvement in music Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Musical Child: Using the Power of Music to Raise Children Who Are Happy, Healthy, and Whole, by Joan Koenig joankoenig.com -- Joan's website How to Deal with a Troublemaker -- BuildingBoys blog post (mentioned at 18:45)Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

If you attended Seth Perler's TEFOS summit -- The Executive Function Online Summit -- and want more info, you're in the right place. (And if you missed the summit, no worries! You can still access recordings, and you'll get a lot from this podcast episode as well.) We first talked to Seth Perler about executive function in April 2021, and what he said was so foundational, so important for parents of boys with ADHD and other executive function challenges that we've decided to share it again. Some gems: “If you want to help a kid who is struggling with homework, grades, procrastination, under acheivement, time management, and motivation, you have to understand ONE thing – and one thing only – and that’s EXECUTIVE FUNCTION.” and “You have to understand the experience these boys are having. They’ve been asked to do these things so many time and they’ve failed or it’s been ‘not good enough;’ they’ve been told to re-do it, or ‘you didn’t put your name on it” or ‘it’s late so you’re getting a zero’ so many times.” In this episode, Jen, Janet & Seth discuss: What is executive function? Why boys with executive function challenges don’t struggle with Legos, video games or other activities they enjoy Why punishments & rewards aren’t effective motivation strategies Establishing reasonable expectations Helping kids who are behind (on turning in assignments, etc) “catch up” When (& how) to reach out to your son’s teacher How to deal with resistance Why it’s OK for your son to aim for a D (vs. a B) Exploring other educational options Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: sethperler.com — Seth’s website ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt, the ADHD Dude — ON BOYS episode Twice Exceptional (2e) Boys – ON BOYS episode Developing a Growth Mindset with Carol Dweck — TED talk The Shame of ADHD and Executive Function — Seth’s video/blog post Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Amy Lang is our go-to sex ed expert. She's a mom of a son and she's not afraid to talk frankly about sex, pornography, relationships and consent. Our January 2021 conversation with Amy -- all about how keep boys safe online -- was so enlightening and informative that we've decided to run it again. Some gems: “All the research shows that parents are the most important influence when it comes to sexual decision-making. If we don’t get in the door early, our impact is less. It’s really important to establish yourself as their go-to person.” and “I think it’s way more important to be sexually savvy and to understand healthy relationships than to score a 9000 on the PSAT.” In this episode, Jen, Janet & Amy discuss: Why you need to talk to your boys about sex a lot sooner than you think How boys accidently encounter porn Setting the stage to talk about sex Does talking to boys about porn encourage them to seek it out? Establishing family guidelines re internet usage The difference between parental controls and monitoring (and how to use each) How porn affects boys Preparing boys for porn exposure Helping boys resist peer pressure to look at porn Keeping boys safe online Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Talk to Boys about Sex (w Amy Lang) – ON BOYS episode http://birdsandbeesandkids.com/  — Amy’s website The Birds & Bees Solution Center for Parents — use coupon code ONBOYS to save 15% Just Say This! – Amy’s podcast Birds + Bees + YOUR Kids: A Guide to Sharing Your Beliefs about Sexuality, Love and Relationships, by Amy Lang BREAKTHROUGH session w JanetAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Meghan Leahy is one of our favorite parenting experts. Her advice is grounded in experience (she's got 3 kids and is a parenting columnist for the Washington Post), understanding (again: she's got 3 kids!), and compassion (like the rest of us, she's exhausted and overwhelmed). She's honest, engaging and an absolute hoot. Her latest book, Parenting Outside the Lines: Forget the Rules, Tap Into Your Wisdom and Connect with Your Child, was published just over a year ago -- so we thought this would be a good time to re-visit our conversation with her, which we originally released in September 2020. (You know, just as most of us were freaking out over the beginning of a very unconventional school year.) Some gems: “I haven’t yet found a parent who’s really changed their parenting based on ‘studies say,' I’ve never told a parent, ‘Well, studies say if you don’t yell, your kid will be happier,’ and had the parent say, ‘oh my god, I didn’t know that! Now I’ll stop yelling.'” and  “Strategies are neither here nor there. One may work; one may not. But if the underpinning of compassionate, boundaried connection isn’t there, it doesn’t matter.” In this episode, Jen, Janet & Meghan Leahy discuss: The importance of connection Learning to trust yourself How modern culture has made parenting more difficult Why it’s OK to not know what to do What to do when your son doesn’t want to do an activity he once loved Parenting during the pandemic The link between kindness and resilience Screen time (and why you need to look at your screen habits before tackling your kids’ screen time) How to enjoy parenting Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Parenting Outside the Lines: Forget the Rules, Tap Into Your Wisdom and Connect with Your Child — Meghan’s book Meghan’s Washington Post On Parenting columns mlparentcoach.com — Meghan’s website How to Raise a Boy with Michael C. Reichert — ON BOYS episode mentioned at 07:11 The Neufield Institute — courses, events and resources from Gordon Neufield, PhD (mentioned at 8:47) Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier and More Secure Kids, by Kim John Payne and Kim Ross — book mentioned at 16:07 My Suddenly Sedentary Teen Seems Stuck. How Much Should I Push Him to Move? — Meghan’s column about the soccer player (mentioned at 17:24) Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%.    will you check the beginning to make sure it lines up okay?  thank you!!  and we should let her know it's going live, too...  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Yes, you can thrive with chronic illness and special needs. In fact, you can create a Very Happy Story no matter what challenges you're dealing with on the home front. Liza Blas, a mom of two, created the Very Happy Stories podcast and blog after realizing that her overwhelm was overwhelming her family. She also realized that not talking about her family's challenges -- ADHD, depression, chronic illness, anxiety, suicidal ideation -- was not helpful. "As a mom, you have a tendency to put up a protective barrier and isolate," Blas says, often due to shame, embarrassment and fear of judgment. "But when you share your story, even with just one person, you're helping other people bring down walls. You provide validation and community. Nothing can connect you with another person better than storytelling." She urges overwhelmed parents to practice self-care, which she describes as essential to gaining clarity. "You can't tap into your intuition when you've got your head in the sand," Liza says. "Trusting your gut requires you to be in the present moment." Also important: breaks! Navigating the unknown -- an uncertain diagnosis or treatment plan or worldwide pandemic -- requires mental endurance. You simply cannot sustain focus, concentration and patience indefinitely. Take breaks, and then jump back in. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Liza discuss: The power of storytelling to create connections and decreases stress Parenting kids with special needs, including ADHD, depression, anxiety, sensory processing disorder and chronic illness Discovering/realizing your child has special needs Moving past shame, fear & denial Self-care to gain clarity Adapting your parenting playbook to your child Finding your happiness Managing grief Developing mental endurance Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Very Happy Stories -- Liza's podcast & website Let's Talk about Our Boys: Are Your Raising a Disrupter? -- Very Happy Stories episode featuring Janet & Jen Boy Talk Blueprint — Janet’s guide to better conversations w your son! ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude -- ON BOYS episode Sensory Processing Disorder with Nancy Peske -- ON BOYS episode Depression and Anxiety in Boys -- ON BOYS episodeAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

What do you with troubled boys? With boys who are failing school, sneaking off, and using substances? Boys who have resisted disciplinary efforts and redirection? That's the question at the heart of Kenneth R. Rosen's latest book, Troubled: The Failed Promise of America's Behavioral Treatment Programs. There are no easy answers to that question but Ken's book makes one thing abundantly clear: sending your son away to a camp or program for troubled children probably won't help. In fact, sending troubled boys away may make things worse. "I remember feeling so different, so lost, and so tossed aside by all the people that were supposed to mentor me and guide me through a very difficult time," Ken says, a former "troubled teen" who spent years in residential treatment programs. By the time a boy's behavior is so disruptive that his parents and others are considering "sending him away," the family unit has likely been "broken for many, many years," says Ken. Lack of communication and lack of trust in parents and family are often the root causes that drive children toward alcohol, drugs and disruptive behavior. Kids who aren't thriving (or, frankly, even meeting basic expectations) in traditional educational environments may require a different approach  -- but "different" doesn't have to mean boarding school or wilderness camp. Meeting kids' needs within their communities, while helping them (re)connect with family can be life-changing. That kind of support, however, is rarely available. More available are educational consultants who funnel families toward (pricey) residential treatment centers, "camps," and "spas" that are presented as a "one-stop fix" for troubled children. That, Ken says, should be parents' first warning sign, as complex problems cannot be solved with a single solution. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Ken discuss: How gender stereotypes can negatively affect our parenting Family dynamics' influence on kids' behavior The need for community support of families and children How too many boundaries can hinder kids Why alternative education options are necessary The power of listening The problems with many wilderness and residential treatment programs (spoiler: many are not actually accredited) Legislative efforts to regulate programs aimed at troubled kids and families What to look for when considering behavior modification programs (and red-flags to watch for!) The power of committed, non-judgmental love Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Troubled: The Failed Promise of America's Behavioral Treatment Programs -- Ken's book kennethrrosen.com -- Ken's website Traditional School Isn't Always the Way to Go, and I Wish My Parents Would Have Seen That Earlier -- Washington Post article by Ken Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

When we become parents, someone really should hand us a book that details, exactly, how to NOT raise an a-hole.  Karen Alpert (of the blog Baby Sideburns), a mom of two and author of Mamas, Don't Let Your Kids Grow Up to be A-Holes: Unfiltered Advice on How to Raise Awesome Kids, recognizes that parents are terrified of inadvertently raising assholes. "It is definitely one of my big fears," she says. "I don't want to raise a kid that's an a-hole. All the sexting and scary stuff and  male chauvinism and racism  - I'm trying to hard to teach my kids that stuff shouldn't be part of their lives." But she knows there are no guarantees. And she starts her book by stating that babies are, almost by definition, a-holes. (Think about it: They scream when they need something. They don't care about your sleep or your needs or anything but their own comfort.) "It is our job as parents to get the a-hole-y-ness out of them," Karen says. "We have 18 years. It is our job to send them out into the world in the best way possible." We can do that by seizing random and ordinary moments. "Kids are like clay," Karen says. "Everything we do contributes to shaping them." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Karen discuss: Parents' secret fear Bullying How parenting approaches evolve as kids grow Teaching kids to be considerate Seizing opportunities to teach values Revisiting conversations Teaching kids to be anti-racist How to teach kids important lessons while being creative and fun "Boys will be boys" Resisting gender stereotypes & expectations 20 ways to make your kids more creative Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Mamas, Don't Let Your Kids Grow Up to be A-Holes: Unfiltered Advice on How to Raise Awesome Kids -- Karen's latest book I Heart My Little A-Holes: A Bunch of Holy Crap Moments No One Ever Told You About Parenting -- Karen's first book babysideburns.com -- Karen's blog Just Don't be an Asshole (w Kara Kinney Cartwright) -- ON BOYS episode How to Raise a Decent Human Being -- classic BuildingBoys postAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Dr. Michele Borba knows how to help boys thrive. She's a "boy mom" -- a mother of 3 grown sons, educational psychologist, and the author of Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine. Many boys are stressed but don't tell their parents because "they don't want to hurt us," Dr. Borba says. They want and need coping skills, and aren't getting what they need from school social-emotional learning (SEL) programs. And they're really worried about "flunking life." It's time for parents to pivot and refocus their parenting efforts. The first step, Dr. Borba says, is to prioritize mental health. The second step is to convince ourselves that it's possible to teach resilience. Then we can turn our attention to... 7 Character Strengths That Will Help Boys Thrive These 7 teachable character strengths can help children thrive, Dr. Borba says  -- and inoculate them against peer pressure and bullying and allow them become peak performers in the classroom: Confidence. You can build your son's confidence by focusing more on his strengths than his weaknesses. Empathy. Boys may exhibit empathy differently than girls. They may take a more cognitive than emotional approach, and that's OK, Dr. Borba says. Self-control. "Every boy I interviewed said, 'That's what we need!'" Dr. Borba says. But boys don't want only touchy-feeling stuff. They want to learn a repertoire of self-regulation techniques so they can choose what works for them in the moment. Integrity. A boy needs a strong moral code so that "when peer pressure comes, he doesn't have to waver," Dr. Borba says. Curiosity. "Thrivers are  open to ideas and possibilities, so when a problem comes -- and it will -- they don't quit; they brainstorm," Dr. Borba says. Perseverance, or the ability to keep going, even without external rewards. Optimism. Boys need to be solidly grounded in reality, but they also need to know how to find the silver lining. Adding two or more of these skills together amplifies their impact, Dr. Borba says. (In other words: your son doesn't need all 7 character strengths to thrive!) In this episode, Jen, Janet & Dr. Borba discuss: What kids think parents should focus on The disconnect between many parenting book & what science has discovered about raising resilient, capable humans 3 things that help kids thrive in spite of adversity 7 characters strengths that help boys thrive How hobbies help boys Identifying your son's interests How to tell if your son's video game use if problematic or healthy How to NOT hinder your son's interests Redirecting pessimistic thoughts Instilling hope Empowering boys Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: micheleborba.com -- Dr. Borba's website Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine  -- Dr. Borba's latest book What You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide -- ON BOYS episode featuring Katey McPherson (mentioned at 11:26) Dr. Phil episode featuring Dr. Borba & Thrivers Addiction Inoculation w Jessica Lahey -- ON BOYS episode Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 22:32 Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%.   Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Ever wished you had a guide to raising boys? A manual you can consult when your tween son confuses and frustrates you? Now, one exists -- and it's Jen's first book! The First-Time Mom's Guide to Raising Boys: A Practical Guide to Your Son's Formative Years, by Jennifer L.W. Fink, was released on July 6, 2021. It's a handbook that's intended to help moms navigating the tween years (approximately ages 8-12) for the very first time. Janet says Jen "interprets a complex subject in a way that's wise, fun & reassuring." This book helps moms (& dads) understand male development and the challenges boys face in the world, and then teaches them skills and strategies they can use as they parent their tween sons. Listening, Jen says, is key. "If you don't express an openness or willingness to listen to your son's viewpoint, he's not going to listen to yours," she says. "Remember that you have different perspectives. When it comes to social issues, your son does not know what happened 20, 30, 50, 100 years before he was born. So you have important perspective that you can share with him. But at the same time, you don't know what his daily experience is like. You don't fully understand what's happening in schools, what it's like to be a kid today. If you can remain open and curious to each other's perspective, you can learn from each other." In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: The unique skillset required to parent boys Why the tween years are so challenging for moms "Unlearning" parenting How our childhood experiences affect our parenting Talking about tough subjects with your son, including divorce, relationship conflict, addiction, mental illness, racism & violence The importance of intergenerational relationships Prioritizing mental health When to worry Boys' experience of shame & embarrassment Helping a boy expressing self-hatred Preparing boys to handle sexual pressure Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The First-Time Mom's Guide to Raising Boys -- Jen's first book Top 6 Tips for Parenting Tween Boys -- classic BuildingBoys post The Inside Scoop on Parenting Tween Boys -- a very early conversation between Jen & Janet Parenting Teen Boys Is... -- Building Boys post that includes the deodorant-in-freezer pic mentioned at 7:08 Addiction Inoculation with Jessica Lahey -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 15:42 How to Raise a Feminist Son with Sonora Jha -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 17:23 Sponsor Spotlight: Prisma Prisma is an innovative online school for 4-8th graders who want an education tailored to their interests, abilities, and goals for the future. Fall registration is going on NOW.Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Parenting a child with ADHD or neurodivergence can be challenging. Especially if you're also neurodivergent. "When my youngest son was about 3 weeks old, he started crying and it really never stopped," says Rachel Blatt, co-host of the podcast Constant Chaos. At first, they thought it was colic, but visits to multiple gastrointestinal specialists didn't help. When he wasn't yet talking (at all) at age 2, "a wonderful teacher" suggested having the child evaluated. The family schedule an appointment -- and felt a "huge sense of relief" when the evaluator told them, "there something going on here." At age 4, Rachel's son was diagnosed with ADHD. Soon after, Rachel realized her older son exhibited ADHD symptoms as well. And eventually, she was diagnosed with ADHD as well. Parenting books did not prepare her for the experience of parenting her children. "You're supposed to stay calm," Rachel says -- but that's not easy to do when your boys are on the roof! In this episode, Jen, Janet & Rachel discuss: ADHD symptoms -- & how they can look different even in people within the same family The value of friends with kids just a little older than yours Figuring out what to worry about When to "drop the rope" in the tug-o-war with your kids ADHD & video game addiction Adjusting expectations The value of structure for individuals with ADHD Self-care Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Constant Chaos podcast The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children, by Dr. Ross Greene -- book mentioned at 30:36 ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude -- ON BOYS episode The Boy Talk Blueprint -- Janet's proven system to help you communicate with your sonAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

You may wonder, how do you raise a feminist son? Or you might be wondering, WHY would you raise a feminist son?  What if we phrased it this way: How do you raise boys who respect and value all humans? "The word feminist, all over the world, has taken on so many definitions and meanings," says Sonora Jha, author of How to Raise a Feminist Son. "To me, the best definition is still Gloria Steinem's: Feminism is the radical idea that women are people too." It is the idea that all humans are worthy of respect, coupled with recognition of the fact that not all humans are afforded respect yet. Welcome Media into Your Home - and "Gossip" Over It "Feminism for a boy growing into a man means recognizing those things and committing to changing them," Sonora says. It does not mean restricting his access to media or telling him what to think. Quite the contrary: Sonora, a media professor, invited all kinds of media into her family's home, treating media like a "cool aunt or uncle," and "gossiping" over it. She allowed her son to play Grand Theft Auto, a videogame some decry as overly violent and misogynistic, because her son talked about the game with her and recognized sexist tropes, largely because the mother/son duo had already spent years discussing media portrayals of men and women. Facilitate Family Connections Similarly, you can facilitate family connections without endorsing sexist or racist comments, actions, or beliefs. "You can say something like, 'I love Grandpa, but I don't love all the things he says,'" Sonora says, noting that family relationships (and humans!) are complex. Our boys are complex & growing humans too, so less-than-ideal behavior is assured. Your son will occasionally behave in hurtful or harmful ways, and he will not always appreciate your redirection. As Sonora wrote in her book, "Trying to insert the notion of error, or wrongness, of failure into the cocksureness demanded from young men is like asking a bull to sit down at a tea party after waiving a red cape in its face.”  Give your boys grace. Give some to yourself as well. And remember that teaching your son to recognize and dismantle sexist structures is beneficial for all. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Sonora discuss: The definition of feminism Raising boys who recognize privilege Using stories & fairytales to expand kids' understanding of gender How to welcome media into your family -- & then use it to connect with and teach your son Creating family connections despite differing family & cultural beliefs Talking to sons about your own #MeToo moments Discussing consent with boys How feminism helps boys & men Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: How to Raise a Feminist Son: Motherhood, Masculinity, and the Making of My Family -- Sonora's book sonorajha.com -- Sonora's website Know My Name: A Memoir by Chanel Miller, mentioned at 35:21 The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys -- classic Building Boys post (with additional info re 14-year-old boys)Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Do you have a highly sensitive boy? Perhaps your son has been called "too sensitive” or “too emotional.” Maybe he is easily overwhelmed, especially when he's surrounded by a lot of sensory stimuli.  Approximately 10% of all males are thought to be highly sensitive -- and often, others imply that they aren't "man enough." In a culture that's long valued stoicism in males, sensitivity is seen as a a liability. Except...emotional intelligence -- the ability to identify and process emotions -- is now recognized as key to human happiness, healthy relationships and even exemplary performance in the workplace. By age 5, William Allen understood very clearly that he was different. People told him to "man up" and that he "needed to be tougher." Their words and reactions to his emotions told him, in no uncertain terms, that he was not living up to the masculine ideal. And, like many highly sensitive people (HSP), William reacted strongly to criticism. He internalized it and assumed that people were laughing at him, for instance, rather than his ridiculous costume when he took the stage in a school play. William says parents can help their highly sensitive sons learn how to verbalize and test their internal thoughts. "As a parent, you're a trusted figure," he says. "You really don't know if an internal belief is true unless you're able to test it in the real world," William says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & William discuss: Characteristics of highly sensitive people The effect of criticism only highly sensitive boys Helping sensitive boys externalize thoughts and test ideas Positive attributes associated with high sensitivity Why highly sensitive boys are prone to overwhelm, temper tantrums and meltdowns The link between sensitivity & empathy Creating a calm environment for your sensitive child Expanding the definition of masculinity to make space for sensitive boys & men Highly sensitive heroes Helping sensitive boys deal w peer pressure Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Highly Sensitive Person -- website recommended at 12:07 Confessions of a Sensitive Man: An Unconventional Defense of Sensitive Men, by William Allen The Sensitive Man -- William's blog Sensitive Boys (w Dr. Sandy Gluckman) -- ON BOYS episode You Asked About Age 14, Implicit Bias & Sensitive Boys  -- ON BOYS listener Q & A Shameless -- TV show mentioned by Jen at 17:17 Outlander - TV show mentioned by William at 28:00 Why I Want My Boys to be Just Like Pa -- classic Building Boys post referencing Pa Ingalls, a highly sensitive man (at least as portrayed by Michael Landon!) Sponsor Spotlight: Prisma Prisma is an innovative online school for 4-8th graders who want an education tailored to their interests, abilities, and goals for the future. Fall registration is going on NOW.  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Having sons forced Tosha Schore to reevaluate everything she knew about boys. Schore, the daughter of a single mom, grew up stepped in the women's movement. As a  child, she attended marches and rallies for women's rights and, in college, she majored in Women's Studies. She was pregnant with her first child and sidelined with a bout of nausea when a startling thought popped into her head: What if I have a boy? The thought was "terrifying," Tosha said, noting that "it never even occurred" to her, before that moment, that she might have a son. After her son was born, Tosha was determined to be a strong advocate for him. And that, she knew, would require some learning. "I realized I was going to have to revisit some of the feminist ideology I was coming from because as much as I believe in it -- and still believe in it -- the ideology that I internalized painted boys and men as the 'other' and 'the bad guy,'" Tosha says. She soon realized that "boys get treated a certain way because of their perceived gender," just a girls do. "it's not fair to ignore that just because males, as they grow, still tend to hold more positions of power," Tosha says, noting that boys struggle in school. "I'm excited that we women have gained ground, but we're losing the boys along the way, and we're losing the men along the way. I think of feminism as bringing some equality to family systems. But that has not been what's happened in recent years. We get to raise boys differently." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Tosha discuss: How feminism fuels Tosha's advocacy for boys Male gender expectations and stereotypes Boys' struggles in education Finding balance in family systems Making room for dad Cultural influences on gender expectations and experiences Why your son needs female friends Boys & aggression Raising boys who can feel & express emotions Separating behavior from personality Getting to the root of your fear regarding your son's behavior Listening as a powerful tool for healing Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: toshaschore.com -- Tosha's website Boy Talk Blueprint — Janet’s guide to better conversations w your son! Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges, by Patty Whipfler & Tosha Schore (book mentioned at 27:43)Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Steve Biddulph is a legendary parenting educator. He's the author of  The Secrets of Happy Children, Raising Boys in the 21st Century: How to Help Our Boys Become Open-Hearted, Kind and Strong Men, and The New Manhood, among others. His latest book, Fully Human: A New Way of Using Your Mind, isn't about child-rearing, though. It's a simple, working manual for being  human. "I wanted to write something that was a culmination of a lifetime of working with people," Steve says, noting that he also learned a lot while writing the book. He uses the metaphor of a 4-story mansion to explain the human experience: "Most people just live on a couple of floors," he says, "and they might complain about the accommodations. But there might be a really great ground floor that you haven't checked out -- that's your intuitive sense in your body -- and a fantastic roof garden that's open to the sky and stars, and that's our spirituality." Our bodies are intimately connected to our brains, and our bodies, like those of other wild creatures, can sense and respond to all kinds of stimuli. "There's a wild creature that lives inside you," Steve says. "We haven't lost any of the abilities of the eagle or the brown bear or salmon swimming upstream." We need to learn to heed and act on our supersense and intuition. A wise mama who was aware of this connection told her teenage that "sometimes our body sends us messages when our brain and our heart are in a complete spin, and our body knows what is right or wrong for us." Those words helped her teen make a wise choice, and they can help you as you confront the challenges of parenting as well. In this episode, Janet & Steve discuss: What is a human being? The brain and body's ability to take in lots of info & process it -- and how learning to listen to our bodies will help us live fuller lives Our "supersense" Learning to listen to your body The root of self-esteem The power of emotions Why conversations with your kids are so important How wonder, awe & nature help us modulate our emotions Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: stevebiddulph.com — Steve’s online home Fully Human: A New Way of Using Your Mind by Steve Biddulph -- Steve's new book Steve Biddulph on Raising Boys -- ON BOYS episode Building Boys Bulletin -- Jen's subscription newsletter Boy Talk Blueprint -- Janet's guide to better conversations w your son!Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

 Is future-focused parenting the key to raising adults? Yes, says Deana Thayer and Kira Dorrian, parent coaches and co-hosts of the Raising Adults podcast. "It's not about raising boys; it's about raising men," Kira says. "Who are these men we want our boys to become? How do we want them to walk through the world, and what do we have to be doing right now to foster that?" Future-focused parenting, Deana says, helps parents "make the decision that's best, rather than the one that's easy." It's a thoughtful, deliberate approach to parenting vs the all-too-common reactive approach utilized by many parents. The 3 pillars of future focused parenting are: Parent from a strong "why." Boil your "why" down to a word or short phrase, if you can. (Deana is working to "raise adults who are people of character and integrity." Kira is aiming for "mentally healthy and happy" adults.) Get clear on your family's personal set of values. There's no right or wrong here; every family's list will be different. Aim to identify 5-10 values that will really matter in your home. (Kira's list includes "empathy.") Post the list in a public place and parent toward them. Take a proactive approach. Understanding child development & the milestones ahead helps you prepare. You can also "rehearse" challenging situations to help them develop the skills they'll need to navigate those situations. ("When we give our kids a chance to practice, they are so much more likely to meet our expectations," Kira says.) In this episode, Jen, Janet, Deana & Kira discuss: Leading with your vocabulary (how what you say impacts what you do) Why you might not want to call your son your "little man" Breaking free of harmful family patterns The 3 pillars of future focused parenting Blended families & co-parenting (yes, you can be a future-focused parent, even if your ex isn't) Adapting future-focused parenting to older kids Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Future Focused Parenting -- Deana & Kira's website Raising Adults podcast bit.ly/raisingadults -- link to get the FREE video & 12 months of character building support How to Raise a Decent Human Being -- classic Building Boys post Putting Your Boys on Their Best Path for Success in Adulthood -- Building Boys post Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%.   Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

School + nature = forest schools Image: Laine Photos and Film "A forest school is holistic education outdoors in nature," says Nicki Farrell, co-founder of Wildings Forest School in Queensland, Australia. Learning doesn't typically follow set curriculum; rather, it's child-led. Education is individualized and play-based and includes plenty of movement. The kids who struggle the most in traditional schools -- wiggly, can't sit still, can't focus -- are often those who thrive in nature. "Children are meant to be experimenting and testing their bodies, learning how far they can push their bodies," Nicki says. "They can't do that, frankly, without free play." Unfortunately, ours is a risk-adverse culture. Many children spend 95% of their time supervised, and adults often quash kids' initiative. "There's too many adults in our cultures now that say, 'be careful, don't do that, that's too risky, stop that' because they are putting their own concerns on the risky play, rather than letting a child experiment," Nicki says. And that can negatively impact child development. "We know that boys, in particular, that self-worth is what brings out self-confidence, and they're constantly seeking self-worth -- and that can be in minute tasks," Nicki says. "But those really basic life skills, if you've got those -- if you know how to light a fire and you know how to build shelter and find water -- then they know they can survive anywhere, and that is a deep, deep sense of self-worth." In this episode, Janet & Nicki discuss: What is a forest school? Why & how kids of all ages can benefit from this approach to education The value of risk Building self-worth & self-confidence via survival skills confidence How having her own boys caused Nicki to question everything she knew about education The benefits of forest school for kids with ADHD, autism and sensory disorders Why behavior issues at forest school are almost non-existent (Hint: it has NOTHING to do with self-selection!) The history of forest schools Getting comfortable in nature if you don't have much nature experience Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Wildings Forest School Richard Louv on Animals, Nature & Boys -- ON BOYS episode Camping with Kids -- classic BuildingBoys blog post FREE Breakthrough Session w Janet -- parenting help!Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Males represent 25-40% of individuals with eating disorders. That’s not something people tell us when our boys are babies, and it’s not something most pediatricians mention at well-child checks -- despite the fact that males are at a higher risk of dying from an eating disorder than females. "We have this notion that only a certain type of a person gets an eating disorder," says Oona Hanson, a parent coach and Family Mentor at Equip, an eating disorder program. But that's simply not true. People of all ages, races, backgrounds and genders can develop disordered eating or exercise habits. Unfortunately, because anorexia and bulimia have been stereotypes as "white girl diseases," boys who develop an eating disorder "are even less likely to speak up about it," Oona says. Like girls and women, boys and men face a lot of pressure to look a certain way. They are assaulted daily with images and messaging which implies that "real guys" are buff, strong, lean and muscular. Some turn to supplements, excessive exercise and disordered eating in an attempt to reshape their body. Symptoms of an eating disorder may include: Turning away once-favorite foods Obsessively reading food labels Attempts to manipulate body size, weight or muscle mass via food restriction or obsessive exercise "Sneaky" eating or eating in secret If you see possible signs of an eating disorder, "get curious," Oona says. Talk to your son about what you see. Listen to his answers. If needed, reach out to his pediatrician, family doctor or an eating disorders professional. Oona Hanson, Family Mentor with Equip eating disorder program In this episode, Jen & Oona discuss: Diet culture Boys & body image Weight stigma & anti-fat bias Helping boys decipher information about nutrition, diets and supplements How building boys' media literacy can improve their health as well Bigorexia What to do if you think your son might have an eating disorder How parents can unwittingly set their kids up for unhealthy eating habits - & what to do instead Boys' appetite & body development during puberty How ADHD meds interfere with hunger cues and eating Intuitive eating Why you should not restrict your son's access to Halloween candy Finding a healthcare provider who can help your son Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: OonaHanson.com -- Oona's website Boys & Body Image -- ON BOYS episode Teen Boys Eat A Lot - classic Building Boys post Male Eating Disorders are Often Underdiagnosed - and Dangerous -- Tulsa Kids article Need Help? Check out these sites: National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) Multi-Service Eating Disorders Association (MEDA) National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (ANAD)Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Can you prevent addiction? Or alcoholism?  After all, no one dreams of taking their son to rehab. Or arguing with him, repeatedly, about his use of pot, alcohol or meth. When our babies are little, we tell ourselves that if we do everything right, our sons can avoid alcoholism and addiction. But that’s simply not true.  24% of 8th graders have had at least 1 drink by 8th grade. -- and about 50% of those drink heavily. Boys may be particularly at risk: according to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, children who struggle in school when they are between ages 7-9 are more likely to be using addictive substances by age 14 or 15.   Genetics account for approximately 50-60% of an individual's risk of developing a substance use disorder. But no matter your sons' genetic legacy, the positive parenting strategies you use to help your son thrive can also protect him from substance use disorder. "Genetics is not destiny," says Jessica Lahey, author of The Addiction Inoculation: Raising Healthy Kids in a Culture of Dependence . "What I want people to understand is that if we know the risks, and are really clear-eyed about the risks, we can more specifically target our prevention." Inoculation theory, Jessica says, tells us that teaching our kids, empowering them, and building their self-efficacy skills can effectively decrease their chances of succumbing to peer pressure -- especially if we also teach them "scripts" they can use to gracefully decline substances. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jessica discuss: Risk for factors of addiction and substance use disorders Balancing a child's risk of developing substance use disorder with protective factor The role of silence and dishonestly is perpetuating substance use disorders How (or IF) to talk about your use drug or substance use The link between trauma, adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and addiction How to talk about substance use with kids of all ages Helping your child resist peer pressure & say no Explaining the difference between adult alcohol and substance use and child/adolescent use How teens weigh risk (Spoiler: they weigh the possible positive consequences of substance use more heavily than the possible negative consequences) How puberty, drugs, & alcohol affect kids' brain chemistry Why saying "yes" to novel or risky activities may decrease the chances of your boys using substances Should you let kids drink with the family? Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Addiction Inoculation: Raising Healthy Kids in a Culture of Dependence, by Jessica Lahey The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Can Learn to Let Go So Their Children Success -- Jessica's 2016 New York Times best-selling book jessicaleahy.com -- Jessica's website; includes links to to her upcoming (virtual) speaking gigs CDC info on ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) -- discussed at 9:40 The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity, by Nadine Burke Harris (mentioned at 10:40) To Raise a Boy (w Emma Brown) -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 12:35) Boys & Sex (w Peggy Orenstein) -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 18:23)Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Does your son have a problem with executive function? Let's put it another way.... Does he struggle with homework, procrastination, time management, or lack of motivation? Does he have ADHD? If so, he probably needs help developing his executive functioning. “If you want to help a kid who is struggling with homework, grades, procrastination, under acheivement, time management, and motivation, you have to understand ONE thing - and one thing only - and that’s EXECUTIVE FUNCTION," says Seth Perler, a former struggling student who now helps others as an executive function, ADHD, and 2e coach.  Boys who have executive function challenges typically struggle in two areas: Schoolwork and responsibilities, Seth says. And parents who are distressed at their sons' lack of achievement aren't necessarily helicopter parents. Intuitively, parents realize that if boys can't figure out how to get stuff done, their future options dwindle. But simply nagging these boys won't help. In fact, nagging often makes things worse. "You have to understand the experience these boys are having," Seth says. "They've been asked to do these things so many time and they've failed or it's been 'not good enough;' they've been told to re-do it, or 'you didn't put your name on it'' or 'it's late so you're getting a zero' so many times." Unfortunately, there are no quick fixes for these challenges. But you CAN build your son's skills. Pay attention to these 3 things: Systems. Children with executive function problems need direct instruction to develop a system of planning, of organization, a homework system, etc. Mindset. You can help your son move past his resistance mindset and help him develop a "can do" attitude. Habits and routines. After you've helped your son develop systems and adjust his mindset, you can help him establish systems and routines to get stuff done. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Seth discuss: What is executive function? Why boys with executive function challenges don't struggle with Legos, video games or other activities they enjoy Why punishments & rewards aren't effective motivation strategies Establishing reasonable expectations Helping kids who are behind (on turning in assignments, etc) "catch up" When (& how) to reach out to your son's teacher How to deal with resistance Why it's OK for your son to aim for a D (vs. a B) Exploring other educational options Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: sethperler.com -- Seth's website ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt, the ADHD Dude -- ON BOYS episode Twice Exceptional (2e) Boys - ON BOYS episode Developing a Growth Mindset with Carol Dweck -- TED talk The Shame of ADHD and Executive Function -- Seth's video/blog post, mentioned at 33:10 The Executive Function Online Summit -- summit mentioned  at 39:19 (scheduled for Aug. 20-22, 2021)Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How DO you homeschool boys? Trying to recreate school-at-home doesn’t work for most boys -- as so many families found out during the pandemic. And placing your life and career on hold while you educate your kids isn't exactly practical either.  Linsey Knerl, a freelance writer and mother of six (including 5 boys!), says it's possible to homeschool boys without losing your mind or your career.  "The secret is to not pretend that you aren't still doing life while you're homeschooling. Embrace the fact that letting your messy life be part of the education actually helps equip your child to be a more healthy, productive, and functional adult," says Linsey, author of the recently-released book Homeschool Hacks: How to Give Your Kids a Great Education Without Losing Your Job or Your Mind. If you're just getting started homeschooling, Lindsey recommends starting with one subject -- and it doesn't even have to be an academic one, like Math or Science or Reading. To start, you can simply dive into one of your son's interests. Honesty is crucial to successful homeschooling, Linsey says. "You have to be really honest. You have to look at your flaws and see what's not working and look at your children and see what they need help with," she says. That kind of introspection and self-reflection can be overwhelming, but also so beneficial for our boys and families. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Lindsey discuss: The secret to happy homeschooling How homeschooling builds family bonds Discovering (and developing) your son's strengths The socialization question Homeschooling in a small house Getting started homeschooling De-schooling Dealing with fears of falling behind Helping boys learn to read A "typical" homeschool day Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Homeschool Hacks: How to Give Your Kids a Great Education Without Losing Your Job (or Your Mind) -- Lindsey's book Overwhelmed by Homeschooling? I Was Too -- Building Boys blog post Homeschooling Boys -- Building Boys blog post How to Work from Home & Homeschool -- 2012 interview w Jen (back when she was a single parent homeschooling boys!) Novel Education for Boys - ON BOYS podcastAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

What would happen if we based our education for boys on their interests?  The idea of crafting an education around a student's interests is a bit novel in today's world of standardized curriculum and tests. But the concept is sound. As parents (and educators) know, trying to force a child to learn something they don't find interesting or useful is an exercise in futility and frustration -- and trying to keep a child from doing something they're determined to do is equally frustrating. Some schools, in fact, have introduced personalized learning and Genius Hour  because educational leaders have recognized that students learn best when they're allowed to follow their own interests. "The number one problem with education for boys continues to be intrinsic motivation," says Tiffany Soyra, founder of the Novel Education Group (and the "personal educator" of Kylie and Kendall Jenner). Most students simply aren't motivated to learn what schools, teachers and parents think they should learn. So, Tiffany recommends supporting student's interests. A boy who's rebuilding an engine or tinkering with a snowmobile shouldn't be told, "put away that snowmobile and come inside and do 3 more hours of schoolwork," she says, as doing so will only discourage his passion and fuel his hatred for school, education and learning. Instead, parents (and educators) should embrace boys' interests. "Education and passion are one and the same," Tiffany says, and giving students more control over what they're learning can pay dividends. In practice, you may need to loosen up your academic expectations and broaden your definition of "learning.". If your son is consistently getting low scores on tests at school because he has text anxiety, and the school refuses to consider alternative methods for him to demonstrate his learning -- and you don't have the resources or ability to choose another school -- stop stressing about your son's test scores. Don't tell him to put aside his interests and buckle down with the books; instead, support his extracurricular interests. "Whatever activities he's doing outside of school will likely matter much more to his future than his test scores," Tiffany says. "Five years from now, that test won't matter," Janet agrees. "What matters is how he feels about himself, how he feels about the system that told him, 'you're not good enough; you're not capable.'" Positive reinforcement can counter many of the negative messages boys receive in school. "Continue to put the focus on the things they're doing right," Tiffany advises. And guess what? Colleges (even elite colleges) care more about kids' extracurricular activities, interests and passions than their GPA. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Tiffany discuss: How interests and passions can fuel learning and education for boys Distance learning & homeschooling Out-of-the-box educational options for kids who don't fit the traditional school system Using video games for learning & coping How anxiety can interfere with school Advocating for your son's educational needs Developmentally appropriate (and inappropriate) education expectations Why you should let your son take snow days (even the school plans to hold school virtually) What to do about boys who are "behind" Why it's time to stop stressing about your son's GPA How to identify your son's interests Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Novel Education Group -- Tiffany's business Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys' Bickering -- BuildingBoys blog post Fortnite is Not a Waste of Time -- BuildingBoys blog post Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%.   Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Can the K'Bro app help boys develop emotional resiliency? Yes, says K'Bro founder Patrina Mack, a mother of a son who was inspired by her son's school-inflicted emotional challenges. Importantly, she says, K'Bro is a boy-friendly, science-based support system that kids can use independently to cope with life's challenges. We've all heard the stats regarding childhood and teenage anxiety, depression, substance use and suicide. Anxiety, depression and suicide are up; substance use is down, somewhat, but still higher than we'd like. We parents want to help our sons avoid pain and trouble, if possible - and if that's not possible, we want to support them as we navigate through the tough times. But how can we help boys who won't talk with us? Who spend most of their time in their rooms and answer our queries with a single word or a grunt? And, who can boys turn to for support when, developmentally, they're turning away from their parents? Recognizing these challenges, Mack used her expertise in product development to create app to help boys (and girls) manage their emotional health. The resulting K'Bro app is "an emotional resiliency app that is addictingly fun to play while developing skills to manage difficulties in a child's life." It's "part game/part anonymous sharing/part knowledgebase" and it offers kids "a safe place to share... thoughts and emotions and get advice on how to deal with life's challenges." Downloading an app might seem like a counterintuitive approach to emotional development. After all, most parents (and teachers) complain that kids today spent too much time online, and many argue that kids need more in-person interactions rather than additional screen time. But think about it: most boys are already comfortable online. They'd rather disclose and discuss their emotions with a machine than with a human. And, they love video games, so an app that gamifies emotional development makes a whole lot of sense. Kids ages 14-16 were the most likely to download K'Bro when the app was advertised online, Patrina says. "If you think about it, it's not that surprising the app appeals to this age group. Puberty has hit, they're transitioning from middle school to high school -- it's a big period of upheaval, a point in time when kids are starting to think more and more for themselves as they separate and prepare for adulthood," she says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Patrina discuss: How learning challenges and school struggles can lead to anxiety and depression Why therapy isn't always the best choice to help boys navigate their emotions How K'Bro helps boys identify and process emotions and challenges Creating cultures of support How to get boys to use the K'Bro app Unschooling Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: YouROK - website all about K'Bro New App Helps Boys Develop Emotional Resiliency -- BuildingBoys blog postAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

ON BOYS podcast is now officially three years old. Our episodes have been downloaded more than 465,000 times -- with almost 314,000 of those downloads coming over the past year. Join us in this very "unplugged" episode, as we acknowledge the suffering and hardship of the past year, while also noting and celebrating our progress. "The fact that any us of us are still making progress toward our overall goals -- whether professional goals or personal goals, like raising a decent human -- speaks powerfully to how much we care, and how resilient we can be," Jen says. "Take a moment to acknowledge all of those things and the progress you've made." In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Our origin story -- how ON BOYS podcast came to be Behind the scenes How podcasting is like parenting The exponential growth of ON BOYS How the coronavirus pandemic changed our lives The importance of community Our predictions for life after the pandemic Prioritizing self-care Jen's upcoming books Our future plans Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Introducing Co-hosts Janet & Jen -- our very first ON BOYS episode Building Boys FB group Boys Alive FB group A Revolution for Men & Boys -- ON BOYS episode featuring Charles Corprew (mentioned at 15:57) Building Boys Bulletin - Jen's weekly subscription newsletter Breakthrough Session -- FREE session with Janet Happy SECOND Anniversary to ON BOYS - episode mentioned at 28:34 (click for picture of Jen's pixie cut) Unlocking Us and Dare to Lead -- Brene Brown's podcasts (mentioned at about 37:15) Untamed, by Glennon Doyle -- book mentioned at 37:21Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

In her new book To Raise a Boy, author Emma Brown writes, "This is what I want for my son as he grows up: the ability to be himself without paying a social penalty."  [NOTE: This episode contains graphic descriptions of sexual violence from 16:30-21:30] That's what we want too. And we get frustrated sometimes because so many people don't even realize (or aren't willing to acknowledge) that boys and men face gender-specific issues too. We're hopeful that Brown's book will help move the needle because Brown, the investigative journalist who broke the Christine Blasey Ford/Brett Kavanaugh story, is brutally honest throughout the book. She not only shares heartbreaking detail about the reality of boys' lives today; she readily admits that she was previously unaware of the challenges faced by boys. She writes: Deep down, somewhere under my skin, I was holding onto some seriously wrongheaded assumptions -- ideas so ingrained that I did not even notice that, and that rendered boy as something less than human. "The path to this book really started when my son was 6 weeks old," Emma says. "I was home on maternity leave and the first Harvey Weinstein stories broke and MeToo stories were coming out, and I thought, 'Wow. How am I going to raise my son to be different than this?'" Her oldest child was a girl, and Emma realized she had all sorts of ideas about how to raise a girl who resists and challenges gender stereotypes and expectations. But as she pondered her son's future and researched the book, she realized that she "had never grappled with the idea that boys dealt with pressures, stresses and struggles in the same way that girls do around gender expectation," she says. "I wasn't familiar with a lot of the disparate outcomes between men and women or boys and girls before I started working on this book," Emma says, referring to the fact that males are 4 times more likely to die of suicide than females and more likely to experience poor physical health. "Learning about them sort of bowled me over. We do need to do better for boys." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Emma discuss: Gender expectations How shame harms & hinders boys How parents can help boys survive gender stereotyping Sexual violence against boys Helping boys navigate shifting gender norms Preparing boys for healthy relationships Why talking about boys' challenges should not be political Why Emma is hopeful for boys' future Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: To Raise a Boy: Classrooms, Locker Rooms, Bedrooms, and the Hidden Struggles of American Boyhood, by Emma Brown toraiseaboy.com -- includes links to Emma's book-related events & appearances. Talking to Boys About Sexually Aggressive Girls -- Building Boys post (mentioned at 24:51) Masculinity in the Age of #MeToo -- ON BOYS episode Coaching Boys into Men -- violence prevention/healthy masculinity program discussed at 30:32 Gender Policy Council -- new council established by President Biden (mentioned at 32:35) Becoming a Man -- program referenced at 40:45Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The Book of Dares: 100 Way for Boys to be Kind, Bold and Brave turns "dare culture" on its head.  As you likely know, boys live in a world in which status is never fixed; it’s dependent upon their ability to rise to the challenge, to dominate others and not back down from fights. That’s one reason why boys are so susceptible to challenges and dares  And that’s one reason why so many boys do stupid things. Remember the movie “A Christmas Story?” Flick’s tongue got stuck to the pole because he was double-dog- and then triple-dog dared. via GIPHY Ted Bunch, chief development officer of A Call to Men (an organization that promotes healthy, respectful manhood), and Anna Marie Johnson Teague, chief communications officer of the organization, decided to use boys' susceptibility to dares to encourage important emotional growth. "When we set out to write this book, we spoke with thousands of boys around the world," Anna Marie says. "Boys unanimously agreed that dares are equally frightening and fascinating. So we decided to present 100 positive challenges that all promote healthy manhood, authenticity and gender equity." In this episode, Jen, Janet, Ted & Anna Marie discuss: Why boys tackle dares - including harmful ones The collective socialization of manhood The "man box" Helping boys navigate evolving gender expectations Encouraging empathy Talking about male privilege and white privilege (without boys feeling like they're part of the problem!) Developing emotional literacy How healthy manhood promotes mental health Introducing The Book of Dares to your son All done! Day 100 of Jen's 100-Day Dress Challenge Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Book of Dares: 100 Ways for Boys to be Kind, Bold and Brave -- Ted & Anna Marie's book Book of Dares Discussion Guide -- FREE resource to help you introduce and work though the book with your son Helping Boys Grow Into Healthy Men (w Ted Bunch) -- our first ON BOYS conversation w Ted A Call to Men — includes helpful information & data, as well as links to their programs The Birds & Bees Solution Center for Parents — use coupon code ONBOYS to save 15% How (& Why) to Start a Boys' Book Club -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 25:32Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Social media has been a lifeline during the pandemic. It can also destroy lives. In 2016, Ed Peisner's then-16-year-old son was viciously attacked in a social-media motivated assault -- which was filmed and uploaded to social media before his father even arrived on the scene. "It was just a typical Friday," Peisner says. "He was walking home from school and he'd called me and said he was going to stop at the local fast food restaurant and pick up some French fries." And then, life changed. "I got a phone call from one of Jordan's friends. He said, 'somebody punched Jordan'" says Peisner, who grabbed an ice pack and headed to the restaurant, expecting a bloody nose. Instead, he saw emergency vehicles - a fire truck, a police car, an ambulance. His son was in the back of the ambulance, with blood gushing out of his ear. Jordan spent the next 6 days in an ICU with a brain bleed. Meanwhile, the video of his attack went viral. "December 22, 2016 was the turning point in my life," Peinser says. "My life and my family's life changed forever that day." Jordan, thankfully, survived. His father channeled his anger, frustration and pain into educating families and legislators about social media. He founded the Organization for Social Media Safety, a consumer protection association, and worked with California legislators to pass the first law aimed at preventing social media-motivated violence. In this episode, Jen, Janet, Ed & Marc Berkman discuss: Social media-fueled violence Jordan's law - CA law that recognizes and penalizes social media-related violence Kids' thoughts re social media (Spoiler: They want limits) How parents can advocate for laws to protect children online Keeping kids safe online Why you should teach your kids to "block and report" inappropriate content   Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Organization for Social Media Safety -- organization founded by Ed Buckling the  Social Media Seatbelt -- FREE course offered by the Organization for Social Media Safety Which Apps are APPropriate? - ON BOYS episode Raising Kids to Thrive in a Connected World -- ON BOYS episode Keeping Boys Safe Online -- ON BOYS episode Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Heather Chauvin was dying to be a good mother. Her determination to get it *just right* was fueled by a sense of failure - and societal norms that define "good moms" as self-sacrificing. . 18 years old and single when her first child was born, Heather launched herself into parenting with gusto. She was determined to prove to herself (and others) that she was not a failure. Plus, mothering gave her a sense of purpose. Until it almost killed her. The run-down feeling she had wasn't simply due to parenting exhaustion; it was cancer. The budding entrepreneur and mom of three young boys realized she had to refocus her priorities. It was literally a matter of life and death. "I had to face everything," Heather says. "I felt like I was backed into a corner and there was nowhere to run. Then I realized: I have to run towards my fear, towards my guilt, towards my shame -- everything I'd been saying I didn't have time to look at,." Heather learned she had a lot more power and magic than she was giving herself credit for. She learned to take care of herself - and that everything else was easier when she respected herself and her needs. She began asking herself, "how do you want to feel?" and taking action toward her desired emotions. Now, she tells other moms how they can do the same. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Heather discuss: Societal expectations of "good mothers" How following "good mother" scripts can harm us Why the easy way is often the best way Prioritizing  your needs and passions Giving yourself permission to feel Energetic time management Learning from our kids Screentime management strategies How to not yell Emotional regulation Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Mom is in Control with Heather Chauvin -- ON BOYS episode heatherchauvin.com –– Heather’s online home Mom is in Control — Heather’s podcast dyingtobeagoodmother.com -- website mentioned at 43:25; go here for Heather's FREE 20-page workbook Sponsor Spotlight:  Dr. Mary’s “Overcoming Childhood Anxiety” course — SPECIAL OFFER available to ON BOYS listenersAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Humans are hard-wired to connect with other species, says Richard Louv, author of Our Wild Calling: How Connecting with Animals Can Transform Our Lives -- and Save Theirs and Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder. The loneliness that so many of us (& our boys) are feeling right due is certainly due to pandemic-related restrictions and lockdowns, but also due to our increasing disconnection from the natural world. "The farther we get from the natural world, the lonelier we get," Louv says. The solution: engage with nature. "There's this great conversation going on around us all the time -- of birds, of the coyote that walks through your backyard, the animals that we run into on our hikes, and also our pets," Louv says. "We can hear or sense or be in that conversation if we pay attention. When we do, we are less lonely." Animal encounters also inspire "a sense of wonder and awe," Louv says, that directly benefits our physical and mental health. "Safety in nature is over-rated," he says. "One of the reasons we need nature is because we're often not the top dog in nature. Nature excites all our senses, including the sense of humility." (Jen and her husband got a puppy soon after this episode was recorded. This is not a coincidence.) In this episode, Jen, Janet & Richard discuss: Animals' impact on human lives Species loneliness Why humans search for Bigfoot Why people are tuning into animals during the pandemic How nature and animals help humans heal Nature, risk, safety and humility How pets help develop boys' empathy and responsibility The link between animals and human mental health Human-animal relationships The importance of animal encounters - & why you should tell your animal stories Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: richardlouv.com -- Richard's website Our Wild Calling: How Connecting with Animals Can Transform Our Lives -- and Save Theirs -- Richard's latest book Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder -- Richard's classic book Why We Hunger for a Connection to the Wild During Quarantine -- LA Times op-ed mentioned at 15:06 Children Nature Network -- the nonprofit mentioned by Richard at 17:38 Viral Video Shows Cougar Stalking Utah Hiker - video mentioned at 21:07 Fly-Fishing for Sharks: An Angler's Journey Across America -- another book my Richard, mentioned at 24:33 conwaybowman.com -- the guy who fly-fishes for sharks, as mentioned at 25:25 My Octopus Teacher -- Netflix documentary mentioned at 38:06 Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The "man box" doesn't leave much room for sensitive boys. Photo by Debra Brown via Flickr Society prefers rough-and-tumble boys and men -- the strong, stoic types who lift heavy loads and "buck up," rather than cry, when injured or down. So how do we help our sensitive boys navigate a world that doesn't value their sensitivity? "Sensitive boys are very, very special human beings," says Dr. Sandy Gluckman, a psychologist based in Texas. "The problem is that society, parents and teachers tend to see their sensitivity as a weakness." The truth, though, is that the ability to sense and respond to others' feelings is a gift, as is the ability to experience art, music and life on a deep, emotional level. "They need to learn to own their own feelings, but not the feelings of others," Sandy says. Because sensitive children absorb the feelings of others', you may need to help your son untangle his emotions from others. You can explain that "the sadness you're feeling from David is not yours, so you don't need to pick it up," Dr. Sandy says. Tell you son,  "you can have  empathy or compassion for David, but it should not change your energy or the way you feel about yourself or what you're doing." Sensitive parents can help their sons by narrating their own experiences with sensitivity. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Sandy discuss: Characteristics of sensitive children Parenting sensitive boys Why sensitivity can feel like a burden Helping boys appreciate & embrace the gifts of sensitivity Social challenges for sensitive boys How to strengthen your son's self-concept Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Helping Boys Become Resilient w Dr. Sandy Gluckman -- our first ON BOYS conversation w Sandy You Asked About Age 14, Implicit Bias and Sensitive Boys -- ON BOYS episode Sensory Processing Disorder (w Nancy Peske) -- ON BOYS episodeAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

About 1 in 54 children has autism spectrum disorder (ASD), according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The key word in that sentence is "spectrum." Some people with ASD are nonverbal; some are highly verbal. Some avoid physical contact; some enjoy it. As one popular saying puts it,  "Once you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism." Meet Sam Mitchell, a teenager with autism. Sam is created and hosts the podcast Autism Rocks and Rolls; he's also an author and motivational speaker. Diagnosed at age 4, Sam describes autism as a neurodevelopmental disorder that causes people with ASD to "struggle with certain stuff -- social behaviors, social cues, morals of society." Sam Mitchell, host of Autism Rocks & Rolls Some people with ASD are perceived as others as being rude. What looks like rudeness to others, Sam says, is often just honesty and bluntness. "The truth is, I have a big mouth. I have no filter," he says. That means Sam's not afraid to say what he thinks, and in this episode, he tells us we should talk to people with autism "like you'd talk to anyone else." In this episode, Jen, Janet, Sam & Gina (Sam's mom) discuss: Living with autism Parenting a child with autism Signs and symptoms of ASD Friendship and socialization challenges with ASD How to communicate with someone with autism Coming to grips with an autism diagnosis How preconceived notions about autism lead to exclusion Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Autism Rocks and Rolls - Sam's podcast templegrandin.com -- website of Dr. Temple Grandin, who  is well known to many for her trailblazing work as a spokesperson for people with autism Into Simon Majumdmr's Cookhouse -- Autism Rocks and Rolls episode mentioned at 41:27 Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

What's your family personality?  Don't know? You're not alone. Most people don't think of families as having personalities, but when you understand your personality, your partner's personality and your kids' personalities, life gets easier. Sandra Etherington, a family personality practitioner, uses the Myers-Briggs assessment to help families improve communication and collaboration. "The assessment measures tendencies that reveal how we prefer to get information about the world and make decisions," Sandra says. Understanding family members' personalities shows you "their most comfortable way of being," which makes it easier for you to figure out how to meet them there. Allowing kids to spend most of their time operating in their zone of comfort can actually aid their development. The parental tendency push kids out of their comfort zone may inhibit growth and development. Similarly, when parents spend a lot of time operating outside of their comfort zone, emotional exhaustion soon follows. Learning to respect family personality differences can strengthen your family bonds. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Sandra discuss: Myers-Briggs personality types Why you should focus on & build up your child's strengths Supporting an introverted child How outside influences (anxiety, depression, social pressure) affect personality expression Parenting a child whose personality is the same -- or completely different -- than yours Gender & personality How your personality affects your perception of your child's behavior Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: familypersonalities.com -- Sandra's website Introversion vs. Extroversion - the free download Sandra mentions at 17:47, to help you identify your child's tendency Family Personalities -- Sandra's podcast 16 Personalities - free online personality test mentioned at 18:41 What Makes Him Tick? — ON BOYS Interactive event Affiliate Spotlight: Parenting for the Brave New World mini-summit Use coupon code BOYS25 to save 25% on your registration!Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

One of our favorite musicals is Les Miserables, which is a story about the French revolution. It's also the story of love and transformation. What does that have to do with raising boys? Today's guest is Dr. Charles Corprew, a psychologist and host of the podcast "What's Your Revolution?" Charles is passionate about revolution --  not the bloody riots that mar cities and countries, but the opportunities we all have for personal and global transformation. "I think I've always known that revolution was necessary for our boys," Charles says, noting his stable upbringing and experiences with racism. "I wanted to make sure the boys had abundant opportunities for a successful life. I wanted to make sure I was creating successful pathways for our young men, regardless of what they look like. That they have the ability to be young boys -- to have fun, to play and find who they want to be." The work has to begin with adults, he says. We adults need to examine our beliefs and systems, and tackle questions such as, "What does it mean to be equitable?" Boys needs space, freedom and role models to figure out who they are and who they want to be. "We need to give our boys more models, more expansive opportunities to try out," Charles says. "This is the hard work that we need to do as adults so that our children can actually grow up and be whoever they want to be." Viva la revolucion!  In this episode, Jen, Janet & Charles discuss: How racism inhibits boys' opportunities to play, to experiment and grow The importance of role modeling Helping boys discover their true selves Empower boys to advocate for change Talking to (and listening to!) boys regarding their educational needs Encouraging outdoor play Male friendships Teaching boys the value of service to others Promoting healthy masculinity Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: What's Your Revolution? - Charles' podcast What Makes Him Tick? -- ON BOYS Interactive event Playing with Anger: Teaching Coping Skills to African American Boys Through Athletics and Culture -- book edited by Dr. Howard Stevenson, psychologist mentioned at 17:05 Camelback Ventures -- Charles' employer; "an accelerator that identifies, develops, and promotes early-stage underrepresented entrepreneurs with the aim to increase individual and community education, and generational wealth" Maggie Dent: What Teenage Boys Really Need -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 34:24 Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Do you worry about keeping your boys safe online?  Thanks to the pandemic, we're all spending more time online. And unlike in years past, porn is now ubiquitous and easily accessible. Boys today don't even have to go looking for porn; it finds them. A simple, developmentally appropriate search for "sex" or "boobs" can lead to some pretty disturbing content in just a click or two, which means we have to talk to our boys about sex, likely at lot earlier than you may think. "All the research shows that parents are the most important influence when it comes to sexual decision-making," Amy says. "If we don't get in the door early, our impact is less. It's really important to establish yourself as their go-to person." Teaching your boys about sex early on will help you contextualize porn. And parental controls and internet filters can help you manage your son's internet access, decreasing the chances that he and his friends will access porn while at your home. Consider redirecting some of the energy you're currently expending worrying about your son's academic achievement. After all, "being in relationships and being sexual is fundamental to being human," Amy says. "I think it's way more important to be sexually savvy and to understand healthy relationships than to score a 9000 on the PSAT." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Amy discuss: Why you need to talk to your boys about sex a lot sooner than you think How boys accidently encounter porn Setting the stage to talk about sex Does talking to boys about porn encourage them to seek it out? Establishing family guidelines re internet usage The difference between parental controls and monitoring (and how to use each) How porn affects boys Preparing boys for porn exposure Helping boys resist peer pressure to look at porn Keeping boys safe online Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Talk to Boys about Sex (w Amy Lang) - ON BOYS episode http://birdsandbeesandkids.com/  — Amy’s website The Birds & Bees Solution Center for Parents -- use coupon code ONBOYS to save 15% Just Say This! - Amy's podcast Birds + Bees + YOUR Kids: A Guide to Sharing Your Beliefs about Sexuality, Love and Relationships, by Amy LangAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

We don't always like our boys.  It's a bit taboo to admit that. We parents -- moms especially! -- are somehow expected to always have lovey feelings for our children. And we do love them. But sometimes, we don't want to be around them. Sometimes, we want them to go away. Parents who admit they don't like their kids, though, are often judged. That's not helpful, in our opinions. Here are ON BOYS, we're all about keeping it real, so we're going to talk about the unspeakable: What to do and how to cope when you don't like your boys. (As if to prove our point, THESE are the pics an online picture repository brought up when we searched for "boys fighting frustrated mom": Photo by August de Richelieu from Pexels Photo by Olya Kobruseva from Pexels REALLY??? Real life is much messier than these photos suggest, and it is perfectly OK if most of your moments with your boys don't look like this. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Unreasonable parenting expectations How to learn and grow from uncomfortable parenting moments Coping when your kids' behavior reminds you of your ex Handling political differences Jen's yard in Oct. '20 Knowing when to step away Using physical touch to connect When to seek outside help Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Family Meetings & the 9-Year Change -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 11:55 The Art of Roughhousing -- ON BOYS episode Sponsor Spotlight: Dr. Mary Wilde Dr. Mary’s “Overcoming Childhood Anxiety” course — SPECIAL OFFER available to ON BOYS listenersAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The phrase "best of 2020" is a bit laughable.  Using the term "best" to describe a year that's included a global pandemic, remote schooling and massive disruptions to work and socialization seems almost...inappropriate. And yet, even 2020 had some bright spots. Photo by cottonbro from Pexels ON BOYS audience continued to grow. Our downloads increased by 207%. (We had nearly 281,000 downloads in 2020 vs. 88,000 in 2019). We interviewed 36 different experts, including New York Times best-selling authors (hello, Peggy Orenstein!) and the Washington Post's On Parenting columnist (Meaghan Leahy!). We had our first three-time guest (Mr. Ryan Wexelblatt, aka ADHD Dude) and we conducted conversations across time and space. (Maggie Dent was in Australia when we spoke; Baro Hyun, Japan.) We also hosted our first ON BOYS Interactive, a live web-based event in which we brainstormed solutions to the challenges of remote learning. We've got more ON BOYS Interactive sessions planned for 2021, as well as podcast episodes featuring Amy Lang (the Queen of the birds & bees!) and Richard Louv, author of The Last Child in the Woods and Our Wild Calling. But first, ON BOYS year in review. Here's the best of 2020: 5. Helping Boys Grow Into Healthy Men (w Ted Bunch) “I think the biggest challenge for us is really allowing our boys to show us, say to us and demonstrate to us who they really are,” Bunch says, without us excessively trying to mold them. Our job isn’t to make boys conform; our job is “to allow them to blossom, to really show who they are.” 4. Boys and Sex (w Peggy Orenstein) Contrary to her expectations when she began reporting the book, Peggy found that boys were “insightful narrators” of their lives and experiences. Boys are acutely aware of the issues that affect them, of the “rules” that govern their behavior and social success and of society’s evolving definition of masculinity. 3. Managing Emotions (w Ellen Dodge) Try “tell me the story.” When you see your guys doing something — positive or negative — ask them to tell you the story behind their actions. If you see a feeling on your son’s face, ask him to tell you the story behind the feeling. 2. ADHD w Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude ...a lot of people still misunderstand ADHD. Making matter worse is the fact that “school is not designed with the male brain in mind,” as Ryan says. On top of that, many people consider ADHD a mental health issue, not a learning disorder. That conceptualization makes things harder for our boys, who face social stigma and internal shame. Often, their parents are judged as well; too often, educators and others consider ADHD a “character flaw” or the result of poor parenting. 1. Decoding Boys with Dr. Cara Natterson According to Dr. Natterson — a pediatrician, mom of two and author of Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys — the first changes of puberty can begin as early as age 9. But because those early changes are largely invisible to parents’ eyes, we may misunderstand our boys’ mood swings and behavior. And because our culture has long ignored male puberty, many of us simply allow our boys to self-isolate behind closed doors, instead of talking to them about the changes they’re experiencing. You'll have to listen to hear Jen & Janet's personal favorites! STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Dr. Cara Natterson’s book, Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons, came out in February 2020 & made a big splash. Kirkus Reviews calls it, "A common-sensical, gently humorous exploration of male puberty’s many trials" and a New York Times article declared, "...for rational, evidence-based advice on how to talk to your son about every internal and external force he’ll experience from fourth grade through college, Cara Natterson’s zippy, bighearted 'Decoding Boys' is the guide you need.'" Our ON BOYS listeners clearly agree: Decoding Boys with Dr. Cara Natterson is our most-downloaded episode of 2020. Some gems: Not talking to your son about his evolving physical, emotional and social self is the biggest parent trap of them all. and Boys will take good information and run with it. If we just tell them no and don’t give them the why, they don’t listen. This conversation was originally recorded in April 2020. Note the bookmarks.... In this episode, Jen, Janet & Cara discuss: Why it’s OK to let your teen boys sleep late What the coronavirus crisis and shutdowns are teaching us about kids’ physical and emotional needs The difference between making kids do something vs. educating them Why boys go quiet around puberty Getting boys to talk Late-blooming boys Brain development during adolescence (a.k.a, why boys can be so smart and so dumb, at the same time!) Why boys take more risks when surrounded by friends Boys, body image & eating disorders How to tell if your son’s fixation on fitness is healthy or harmful Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons — Cara’s book worryproofmd.com — Dr. Natterson’s online home; includes a link to her newsletter Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys — one of Cara’s puberty book for boys STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Dr. Adam Cox helped Janet crack the boy code, way back when she was a first grade teacher who didn't know what to do with a class full of boys. His book, Cracking the Boy Code: How to Understand and Talk with Boys, is a seminal text that contains valuable insights for parents and teachers of boys. More than 25 years ago, Dr. Cox, a psychologist, recognized that boys in his community were looking for a place where they'd be accepted and welcomed. His boy-friendly approach developed over the years as he learned how boys communicate. His understanding of boys grew further as he studied boys worldwide. "The highest priority of boys is their happiness," Dr. Cox says. Happiness even trumps popularity and success, as far as boys are concerned -- which goes a long way toward explaining why you spend so much time fighting with your son over homework. Boys also crave a sense of purpose. Even young boys want to make a tangible difference in the world. "Boys want to feel as though they are needed to do some kind of important work," Dr. Cox says. He recommends a "counter-intuitive" approach to boys' misbehavior. "The way that we deal with misbehaving boys the world over is to ratchet down on their freedoms. We take away freedom and privileges. I think instead that we should try to get them to ally themselves with us by giving them an important job," Dr. Cox says. If, instead, "we get into a moral conflict with that child -- 'I'm going to prove to you that I'm the boss here!' -- it just backfires on us. It's much better to invite their leadership in a way that suits them." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Dr. Adam discuss: Boy "constants" that persist across cultures Boys' priorities Why boys need a sense of purpose Effective discipline for boys Finding appropriate jobs for boys The difference between "purposeful work" and "chores" Why you must monitor & control your vocal tone when talking to boys How to talk so boys will listen Picking the right place and time to talk with your son Respecting boys' privacy Why you shouldn't dismiss or denigrate your son's interest in video games Talking to boys about love and imagination Helping boys live a life that's in line with their values and interests Adolescent inertia The link between teenage depression and lack of motivation How to get unmotivated boys moving forward Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: DrAdamCox.com -- Dr. Adam's website Cracking the Boy Code: How to Understand and Talk with Boys, by Dr. Adam Cox On Purpose Before Twenty, by Dr. Adam Cox Why Boys Need Chores - ON BOYS episode The Evolution of Esports -- ON BOYS episode Video Game Design: A Career for Boys -- ON BOYS episode Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%.  STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How do you help boys become resilient?  It's easy enough to say that resiliency is important, and we know that the ability to bounce back in spite of obstacles is essential for success and happiness in life. But how exactly does one build resilience? Contrary to popular belief, you can't teach a child resilience, says Dr. Sandy Gluckman, a psychologist. Rather, you create a climate that allows a child to develop self-knowledge and self-confidence. Most of our boys spend a lot of times in environments that don't help them feel good. School, for instance, is not a good fit, developmentally speaking, for most boys, and it's easy for boys to assume that something is wrong with them when they can't read or write as well as their female classmates. Pushing your child to do things that he's not ready or willing to do is NOT the answer. Your intentions may be good, but you'll actually increase the levels of stress hormones coursing through your son's body, and a stressed brain and body is not ready or able to learn. One of the quickest, most effective ways to ease your son's stress is to take care of yourself. You cannot effectively parent your son while you're in a state of stress because your son will sense the anger, fear, and concern behind your carefully chosen words. Taking time for yourself -- both in moments of high stress and on a regular basis -- allows you to parent from a place of peace, which, in turn, allows your son's nervous system to relax. Then, you can turn your attention toward helping your son recognize his inherent worth. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Dr. Sandy discuss: The link between resilience and brain chemistry Interpersonal neurobiology -- or, how parents' emotional state affects their children How feeling "not good enough" affects our brains and bodies The fight, flight or freeze stress response Inflammatory vs. non-inflammatory parenting How deep breathing can help you be a better parent How to build your son's self-esteem Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: drsandygluckman.com -- Dr. Sandy's website www.youtube.com/user/sandygluckman -- Dr. Sandy's YouTube channel Parents, Take Charge! Healing Learning, Behavior and Mood Challenges Without Medication, by Dr. Sandy Gluckman Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys' Bickering -- Building Boys blog post How Confidence and Joy Spark Success -- ON BOYS episode Self-Esteem and Boys -- ON BOYS episode STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Most of us know what consent means. But knowing what it MEANS doesn’t necessarily guarantee that we - or our BOYS - will actually be prepared in the moment…. Acroyoga, or partnered yoga, helped Sarah Casper understand boundaries & consent. "In this practice, instead of using an apparatus like trapeze or aerial silks, we're using our bodies. So there has to be a lot of conversation about our comfort levels, what we want to explore, where our limits are, what we maybe want to work towards and bowing out if a trick doesn't work," Sarah says. "I started to realize the conversations I was having in my acroyoga classes were more or less the same conversations that happen in the bedroom." With a background in psychology and previous experience teaching socio-emotional skills to children, Sarah started teaching kids how to navigate boundaries & consent. "We want kids to make mistakes and learn from them when they're hanging out with friends," Sarah says, emphasizing the importance of building interpersonal skills from early on. "You get them to work through things like rejection and coercion and how to ask and respond to questions when they're young, when they have the support of teachers, parents and coaches, because if the first time a boy has to deal with this is when he's 18 and at Prom, he's not going to be good at it." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Sarah discuss: How acrobatics helped Sarah understand consent How roughhousing can teach boys about boundaries Teaching boys to check in w friends and partners Helping boys handle rejection How to say no without shaming or unintentionally coercing the person who asked Creating a "consent culture" How respecting your child's autonomy can decrease parent/child conflict What to do if you walk in on your son masturbating 5 factors to consider in consent: Who, What, When, Where, How Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: ON BOYS Interactive -- Distance Learning -- Register now for our Dec. 8 or Dec. 9 session! Comprehensive Consent -- Sarah's website; includes lots of free resources & a link to Sarah's Boundary Setting Bootcamp The Art of Roughhousing -- ON BOYS episode Your Son's Ability to Tolerate Frustration & Rejection is More Important Than You Know -- Building Boys post Consent with Mike Domitrz -- ON BOYS episode Boys & Sex with Peggy Orenstein -- ON BOYS episode Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%.  STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How much do you know about boys & anxiety? According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, approximately 7% of American children between ages 3-17 have a diagnosed anxiety disorder. Likely, the actual prevalence of anxiety is significantly higher, because many kids -- especially boys -- are undiagnosed. What looks like anger, opposition or teenage angst may actually be an anxiety disorder. Sometimes, anxiety is expressed physically; boys with anxiety may have headaches, stomachaches or other maladies that interfere with their ability to participate fully in every day life. Of course, we're all feeling a bit anxious these days. Living through a pandemic will do that. But "the commonness of anxiety doesn't mean it shouldn't be addressed," says Dr. Mary Wilde, an integrative pediatrician and mom of 8 boys. "Anxiety, untreated or unaddressed, can lead to depression." Statistically, girls are more likely than boys to be diagnosed with anxiety and seek help for anxiety. Boys, in part due to social conditioning, are more likely to hide their anxiety or attempt to "power through." Boys' anxiety may show up as difficulty sleeping, anger or acting out. Teaching boys how to recognize and manage their anxiety can change their lives -- and yours. Yoga, deep breathing and tapping are just a few of the non-medication modalities Dr. Mary uses to help boys with anxiety. It's a good idea, she says, to teach boys a variety of techniques, so they can choose the ones that work best for them. Parents need to be conscious of the way they respond to their anxious boys as well. "The tricky thing about anxiety is that parents need to parent in a way that's counterintuitive," Dr. Mary says. "They feel like their job is to bring comfort, ease and happiness, so of course they try to create this ideal context, but they don't realize that in creating this ideal context, they're sending a message to their kids that says, 'I don't believe you can handle it, and therefore I'm going to custom make your environment.'" Dr. Mary -- mom to 8 boys -- also shares her Top 4 Tips for Parenting Boys:  Insist on respectful behavior from your boys. Stuff is stuff. People are more important than things. Provide opportunities for service. Your job is to give your kids opportunities for apprenticeship, to learn alongside you. (Role modeling is key!) In this episode, Jen, Janet & Mary discuss: Integrative medicine Identifying "normal" anxiety vs. problematic anxiety Symptoms of anxiety in boys Why to seek help for anxiety The 4 components of emotional intelligence Talking to boys about anxiety How physical movement helps boys with anxiety Non-medication treatment options for anxiety A family approach to anxiety Dealing with your anxiety Using stories to teach emotional intelligence How your boys can benefit from an imperfect life Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Dr. Mary's "Overcoming Childhood Anxiety" course -- SPECIAL OFFER available to ON BOYS listeners drmarywilde.com - Dr. Mary's website Imagine Pediatrics Behavioral Health & Wellness -- Dr. Mary's clinical practice Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain, by Dr. John Ratey -- book mentioned at 13:45 If You Want to Write: A Book about Art, Independence and Spirit, by Brenda Ueland -- book mentioned at 45:45 Faithful Nurturing: Mothering from the Heart, to the Heart, by Mary Wilde -- Mary's book Dealing with Change, Anxiety & Energy (Listener Q&A) -- ON BOYS episode Helping Teens Cope with Anx