Okay y'all I'll be real with you there's very little editing on this one. I wanted to get something out the door, I wasn't able to get Ashley and Luke's original recordings, so you're getting the raw backup with only the beginning and end themes added. That said, I hope you all enjoy it! I think it was still a lot of fun....fuck me this was recorded in october 2017 I'M SO SORRY

I’ma be real with y’all. I don’t really have it in me to write up a summary. You know what this episode is about.

WV contends with uneasy dreams about the duty that faces him. Tavros faces his destiny. Jade learns about her role in the completion of the game. Kanaya resolves to save her people. And Luke makes Ashley wretch with disgust.

Jade finally gets cracking on becoming a Witch of Space, and makes a decision that she immediately learns to regret. Meanwhile, Ashley and I talk about how Karkat's whole... schtick is a little weird to read about these days, and learn about the most important character in Homestuck.

This episode is like, 98% Dave and Terezi. Enjoy, shippers.

John has reached God Tier. Will anyone else follow in his footsteps? With Terezi weaving complex philosophical and temporal riddles in his ear, Dave struggles with facing his own mortality, standing over himself with a weapon in hand. Yes, we seriously spent an hour talking about 10 whole pages. They were important ones dangit! 

Vriska helps John get into some new gear. John catches up with his best friend. Kanaya is worried that Rose is dangerous, but she's not quite sure who she's a danger to.

John get re-acquainted with his now destroyed room as Vriska is a little worried about cleaning supplies. Rose shows off some new skills, and Kanaya does her best to outsmart and outwit the LaLonde Human.

Having channeled the windy thing for the first time, John has reached the end of his echeladder, and the time has come for him to rise to God Tier. He embarks on a quest through LOWAS to find the Quest Bed, so he can take the nap that will make him the greatest hero in all of paradox space. Also, Luke and Ashley do some speculating on what a Homestuck movie would be like!

Karkat gets a bit ahead of himself talking to John. Terezi addresses the rest of the crew and asks if they should really spend all of their time trolling these dumb humans. Vriska puts her own plans into motion.

Karkat and Kanaya talk some things out. A few troll girls are made to pay. We move forward to the end, to the inevitable finish. Jules needs a nap.

Sollux encounters a problem entering the game that Feferi seems to know how to fix, and we take a brief time out to talk to our good friend Andrew Hussie. Derse is explored, more Classpects revealed, we meet a few exiles, and perhaps even begin to understand just how all of them came to be that way.

Alright listen LISTEN. sometimes these episodes have weird starting and finishing points. Sometimes there's not a great narrative thread to connect all the pages we cover over the course of an episode. And sometimes... *sigh.* Sometimes you have to listen to Tavros ineffectually hit on Jade for 20 straight minutes. But you all know what's coming next week right? It'll be great!

We take a brief interlude to learn how trolls love, and, well, make love? I guess? Eridan kills a whale. Feferi moves on.

Jade's finally made her way into the Medium, which means she's taking the first steps toward becoming a hero! Of course, the fact that she brought a prototyped Becquerel in with her means that even the weakest enemies in the game are now borderline invincible, but, y'know, I'm sure she'll figure something out! Meanwhile, Rose reveals a bit more of what seems like an increasingly misguided plan while Ashley takes a moment to discuss porn???

It's hard, Kanaya. Being a kid, and growing up. It's hard, and nobody understands.

Faced with fatalistic certainty, Vriska decides to embrace the circumstances of everyone's doom. If the immortal demon must exist, then she'll be the one to create it. She unleashes unspeakable horror onto the world, every world. But she also begins to build the hero that might just one day destroy it, if he's lucky enough to beat her to the punch. Also, me and Ashley talk about tattoos a bunch???

Aradia and Equius do a little RP and get a bit too close. Vriska is recruited by Karkat. Operation REGISURP is put into motion, and we learn about the true state of Sgrub.

We take a look back. Vriska loses an eye. Aradia loses her life. Mr. Vanilla Milkshake is revealed to be one Doc Scratch, and he's not very happy with the situation on Alternia.

Jade wakes up for the first time since losing her dream self, filled with self-doubt, dread, and anger for the first time in her life. She's done her best to help her friends, but has she really succeeded? Rose seems to be succumbing to something dark and strange, the game seems completely unwinnable, and Karkat will never stop telling her that she's the reason everyone is doomed. What if he's right?

We meet Vriska and answer some messages while Equius is...well, Equius.

Sollux changes his mind about playing Sgrub and has an unfortunate mind honey-fueled incident. Kanaya confronts Aradia. Nepeta gives Tavros some bad news, and we learn about the Team Charge Incident. Also, Aradia prototypes herself?!?

Tavros plays some card games with Tinkerbull. Terezi meets her lusus for just a moment. Kanaya is living in a familiar land. Vriska trolls Tavros, Karkat continues showing off his leadership skills, and we learn of a Demon who is Already Here.

As Rose continues to tear the game apart, the shadowy figures orchestrating it begin to show themselves. What is the Green Sun? What are these voices Rose is hearing? What happens when a dead dreamer dreams? WHY IS THE GREEN SUN IN THE ICP MIRACLES MUSIC VIDEO.

It's all over! There currently is no more Homestuck to get told about. Instead we look back at the comic as a whole. What are our favorite parts and characters? What parts do we think should have been cut and what characters we would do better without? What's our ships????!!!! All these answers are told in the very tired finale of LMTYAHS Alpha!

Karkat usurps leadership from Terezi who...doesn't really care. Sollux creates a game. Aradia causes some destruction for...some reason.

Karkat chews out Dave and John for flirting with the Scourge Sisters, before flashing back to the seemingly endless troll drama that flooded his life when he first awoke on Prospit. Karkat recognizes the demon, Sollux and Feferi are getting more familiar, Vriska has a new celebrity crush, and Gamzee is now an innkeeper for some reason.

Spades Slick is about to get his revenge. Jade has fun with Davepeta. John has one more revelation. Dave asks one last question. Combatants collide. Act 7 starts. The End Arrives

Alternia is a planet far away from our own, and actually, Earth doesn't exist yet. Let's get introducted to Karkat, Gamzee, and Terezi! We didn't want to read anything about the Kids for a while, right?

Vriska get debriefed on what happened in the dream world. Tavros actually does something. Jasprose goes on a date until Davesprite fucks it up like a piece of shit. Dave and Dirk talk about each others past and telling friends things. Jade learns about star stuff. John gives one last big speech. Terezei remembers.

John gets more information about the reckoning. Dave confronts his own mortality and makes a new friend. Jade saves a brother. A Villein becomes a Vagabond. A Mistress becomes a Medicant. A Regulator becomes a Renegade. A Queen becomes a Questant.

Roxy and Callie have some alone time as they figure out the mysteries of space, void, spikey balls and being Space Gay. Dave finally opens up about his life with Bro and he and Dirk wade through the murky waters that they find themselves in. Kanaya gets a helping hand from a friend. Vriska tears herself down as a relationship collapses. Jane meets Nana and Jake wonders if this is it. Tavros eats a button.

Dave chills with Davesprite. Jules loses it. John gets some answers in the Veil. Jules Loses It. AR discovers some of John's Family History. JULES LOSES IT.

John continues to make preparations with Vriska, when he finally gets an opportunity to catch up with Dave, who's been abusing his newfound time powers to manipulate the stock market. Also, Rose is spiraling toward an ominous future, and Terezi produces an embarrassment of Silver Spoons GIFs.

Gather round everyone!!! We've got a final battle to prepare for. Everyone gets their assignment. Calliope meets an other her. Rosesprite gets a big hug. Karkat and Kanaya have a talk. Dave and Dirk finally meet. Vriska has a talk with herself.

Listen. I won't lie to you. This episode is MOSTLY about Rose and Dave doing their Gristmas stuff, so like... I hope you enjoy that.

It's about to get awkward as families finally meet and get to know each other. Roxy finally meets her mom and her daughter. Two weenies talke to each other. Terezi and Vriska get gay. Dave meets his mommy, wait SHIT. The trolls have shit talk. Dave talks to his computer brother. Two weenies talk about how Batman sucks.

John enters Rose's home and breaks her stuff. Rose has an eventful nap. Dave obtains a pair of personal journals. AR? fuckin' shreds.

Caliborn spoils Homestuck for us, the jerk, as he reveals his masterpiece. Vriska checks her timeline of three years on the meteor. Dave and Karkat get close. Vriska has a plan. John and Roxy return to hugs and emotion. Dave lays down the law on toxic masculinity and compulsory heterosexuality. Really. Also Luke is here!

John gets in trouble with Terezi. Dave has to go back. A Rose fades into the void. Jack Noir Ascends.

John returns to where he started and meets a much happier Terezi who gives him a bloody scarf and then dies. Jane joins in on the fantroll fun. Meenah and Vriska go punk and get gay. John pulls pranks and gets pranks as we finally learn passwords. Roxy buries a daughter and a mother. Another world loses Roxy. An unexpected person messes up plans. John punches a girl he likes. A true hero returns.

Tavros and Kanaya get some advice from Rose and Dave. John's Present has gone missing. PM? and AR? get into some trouble. A deal is struck.

Sometimes people don't like your art no matter how much you improve. Sometimes you mess up and discussions have to be had. Sometimes people you love die. Sometimes you never got to say I love you. Sometimes you have to fix things. Sometimes you make new friends. Sometimes you can fix things. Sometimes you can change destiny. Sometimes you can choose a third option. Sometimes you can go home.

After making it back to his house, John decides to start checking up on his friends, starting with Rose. Turns out, she's been busy since their last chat way back in Act 4! Mastering her eldritch majyyyyyks, tearing the game apart in search of clues, and most of all, getting to know a certain jade-blooded troll a whole lot better.

John gets himself into some very hot water. The recent past is recalled. Jade is very abruptly awoken. Dave's plumbing gets rearranged. Rose hears from a Questant.

We are thrust back into the award winning satire that is Homosuck. We meet the alpha male and his entourage of girls. Pay no attention to the male with blue jammies who appeared out of a flash of light. Back in the session Gamzee reveals that he has stolen the ring for a new villain, but an old favorite. Everything begins to break as we go down a doomed path. Hope is unleashed, witches are crushed, souls are ripped and a conversation about abuse in unfortunately had.

John enters the Land of Wind and Shade. Dave gets set up with his server player. Jade explains that she has only just as much information about the world as John. Rose enters the Land of Light and Rain.

We are given the illusion of choice once again, but sadly the glitches have messed even that up. Dave is confronted by Jade who say he must be the one to kill Lord English. When Dave refuses a mayoral threat is made. Kanaya gets very mad at Jane before succumbing to unfathomable bloodlust. Dave is confronted by Jade who say he must be the one to kill Lord English. Then John comes in and makes things awkward. Rose and Kanaya try to have a talk and Terezi goes clown hunting. Dave is confronted by Jade who say he must be the one to kill Lord English. John is confronted by John who tells him to meet a girl. John meets a girl and tells her about Homestuck

Caliborn reveals that he has gone mastered the thing known as the narrative and that he will use this to rip Homestuck a new one. Andrew Hussie provides us a game cart to continue the kid's adventure but not before Caliborn makes it "special." The new session is overtaken by glitches, big animations are skipped, and memories are lost. Dave laughs at his own jokes. Roxy has to make a egg. Jade and Jane are being evil. Karkat demands answers and gets forks. Rose and Terezi get over a hangover. John is missing.

Spades Slick built this town, and now he's going to destroy it himself.

John continues his pirate adventure as Vriska's crew pulls a mutiny. John realized Vriska is dangerous and that when the opportunity for her to come back to life is in his hand her refuses. Rose is only getting drunker and Kanaya is very disappointed in her. Caliborn starts loving his lepercauns, but not in that way. Spade Slick gets a different gang back together and returns to an apartment with a view. After Hussie tries to stop her Vriska reveals the ultimate weapon. John lends an arm, goes fuzzy and travels the worlds.

The midnight crew enters the Felt's Mansion to enact their revenge and steal their loot.

Karkat and Dave (through speaker crab) decide it's finally have an intervention. No not for Rose's alcoholism that is getting worse every day but for Terezi becoming a juggalo. Caliborn is making his way through a series of planets and picking up some green gnomes/leprechauns/Felts along the way. John falls asleep and Davesprite flies away like a piece of lovable shit. John meets up with a roving band of pirates and gets told the story of just how cherubs do it. Terezi wakes up and sees her friends, Karkat relates to teens, Dave finds out about communism.

Rose and Dave have a merry Gristmas and get some stylish new looks. Dave makes a bunch of useless shit. AR, PM, and WV Get...acquainted? Jade delivers some important packages. Rose enters.

After the kids mess around more in trickster mode Andrew Hussie steps in to put a stop to it and speed up the plot. The kids wake up in their respective moons and start getting real about their problems. Jack gets a little English on him and Betty Crocker is cooking up something. A window is cracked, a dog attacks her friends and capitalism wins.

Jade shows us Prospit and gives us quite a few revelations. John has a little Gristmas! WV & PM Defend themselves from the onslaught of AR's weaponry. Jules is a gun nerd.

We've at last made it to Act 5 proper! Karkat immediately makes an ass out of himself talking to John, and then proceeds to make an even bigger ass out of himself trying to convince the other trolls to help him harass the kids. Meanwhile, Vriska's apparently got a few irons in the fire! What's her DEAL?

Roxy has a family reunion that is cut short. Jane walks around her house but is only reminded of her sad life. Roxy escapes from a Derse prison due to a Void Ring. Jake has a pretty gay conversation with Caliborn. Dirk breaks down and AR almost just breaks. A new STRONG sprite is made. Jane has a lick of a sucker and we aren't feeling peachy.

John discovers a horrifying secret about his father. Rose escapes the lab. Jade goes to sleep.

Jake is having relationship issues and that means that everyone has to hear about it, but especially Jane. Jane crosses a line that will be hard to walk back. Caliborn hits on Jane in the most backward manner and explains his artistic method. Roxy is kidnapped by GCAT and locked up in jail. DD visits a very important prisoner and gets fashion advice. Meanwhile in the past Roxy reads a story about characters stuck in a story who are desperately trying to change their destiny. A little firefly comes in the window and speaks in code and Ashley reveals some secrets to Molly.

John wins a fight. Rose finds a cat. Dave gets his ass kicked. Jade finds her grandpa. Jules loses her mind.

Vriska and Meenah finally meet and end up throwing the party of their afterlife. It's a mess and also kind of the best. The Alpha go through their Sburb game for much longer then the beta kids ever did but much quicker from our perspective. Caliborn investigates his session and finds a computer, a collection of locks, a clown and the asshole who seems to be pulling all the strings.

We finally meet Jade as we enter Act 3! She has a conversation with Rose. John gets beat up by a pair of rather large ogres. PM has a fuckin' DOPE sword.

Vriska shows John and Tavros how tough it is to hunt for treasure in the Furthest Ring and how the giant reality destroying monster following you can be your biggest help. Meenah talks to the last of her pals and we learn about a secret relationship that can only cause problems. Dave works on his raps, Kanaya turns on the dark and Rose makes a move.

THE WAIT IS OVER. After an unplanned hiatus of an unFORGIVEABLE length, LMTYAHS Beta is back! Luke and Ashley explore the final leg of Hivebent, as Karkat discovers and then tortures himself with Trollian's memo system, Terezi schemes to exile Jack Noir, and Aradia rediscovers nihilism as the fate of the trolls reveals itself to be completely set in stone. They overcame a nearly impossible challenge, and were still denied their reward. It's so infuriating! Why if they discovered that 4 kids out in the multiverse were somehow responsible for what happened, they'd be SO mad.

Dave climbs. Rose disconnects. Jade wishes she could tell us more. John prepares for a boss fight. WV ascends.

Meenah meets up with her friends finally, and I can't lie to you they mostly all suck. Mituna and Kankri especially. Porrim is cool though, she's got all those tattoos and stuff. We make it through memories, meet a cult and just generally kinda fuck around. John and Jade watch Con Air and John has a upsetting revelation, Davesprite takes a joke to far and Bec Noir needs a rest but isn't getting one anytime soon.

John forgets about stairs. Rose throws a bathtub. Dave has a Bad Apartment.

Calliope walks around her room as we take in as much as we can for what may be the final time. Her brother tells us about the parts of Homestuck he loves the most: when people die (and sometimes kiss). Dirk becomes the coolest character in the world before doing something very creepy. Or is it AR doing it? Sorry, Lil Hal. As the kids enter their four player session a one player session is set into motion. Meanwhile Meenah walks around, talking about the identity of Lord English, chatting about gillfronds and talking to Dave, who is the best.

John is in the Medium and needs to build up! Rose helps him do so and has a....weird discussion with Jade. Dave introduces us to Lil Cal. Jules is worried.

Jake is dragged to a meeting that spans galaxies and time as the post-scratch and pre-scratch trolls meet. Dirk has more weird stuff going on with himself. We learn about the miles and how no one can escape them, even across sessions. UU and uu have a chess game where uu reveals another twist. Jane and Jake end up on Derse through various means and it all seems like a bad scene. Roxy has what may be a final conversation with uu and we finally learn her name.

Jules and Molly learn more about Skaia, Dave's Psyche, and how fucked up Rose's home life is!

Jack Noir is locked up in a Prospit jail cell and he's not going to rest until he's escaped, no matter how many people he's got to stab. Jake talks to Aranea and she reveals powers that put everyone on edge. DD plays everything cool and gets the mysterious "void ring." Mean uu asks Dirk to draw him some porn and Dirk is all for it, too bad there's just the shittiest twist ending.

Jules and Molly talk about Rose, Dave, and how it's even possible to rap for this boy.

Molly and Ashley are together for one last "live" ep and it comprises of them wandering through Jade's land, talking to her friends and maybe uncovering some secrets about UU & uu. Mostly it involves a lot of tedious puzzle bullshit. Then Jake knocks himself out and we are treated to a history lesson from the future.

Roxy finds a group of exiles in her lab and Dirk gets jeered. Jane enters the game finally but doesn't prototype anything. Isn't that supposed to be the worst thing? Also that's not a metor, that's a space ship piloted by Her Imperial Condescension. Drik and Roxy come out of their rooms to find a destroyed world in the future. Meanwhile Andrew Hussies nurses Spades Slick and gets a nasty houses guest. Karkat argues with himself again, Rose tells Dave what's going on and Dave and Karkat makes some art. John has a birthday and Terezi meets a new face.

Jesus, there's a goddamn meteor coming down on John's house. That seems bad.

We learn all about this Dirk Strider guy. Well it's kind of impossible to learn ALL about him. He loves Lil Cal, rap battles and My Little Pony. Dirk however has some problems, namely the fact that he doesn't know how to confess his love for Jake and he's constantly harassed by an AI based on himself who reveals deep insecurities he has about himself. But fuck that Dirk puts the head of HB on a pike! He's so cool. We also meet a mysterious new troll in a pretty blue dress. Meanwhile Jane tries to confess to Jake and blows it as bad as she could and Jake says he's ready to explore the adventure of human sexuality. Roxy holds a funeral for her fallen cat, but something else is in there with her.

Not peekin' at the floor butt cause I'm only 13 years old, motherfuckers.

Jules and Molly Load up Sburb

Jake shows us around his island as we get a look at some frightening fauna. Roxy calls about wondering about his wriggling day and talks about being pale with him and Jane. Wait, how does she know what that is? Dirk finally talks and he and Jane discuss the dangerously annoying Lil' Seb. A joke from act one pays off and Jane finally gets the mail. Meanwhile John finds out it's going to take them three years to get to the new session and sends a lewd letter to Karkat. Meanwhile the meteor crew turn their back on the bodies and that goes about as well as it always does. Also sloppy makeouts.

Ashley and Molly return to Earth, but not everything is as it seems. Molly is back to knowing nothing about Homestuck. Why are people trying to kill Jane Crocker, heir to the Betty Crocker empire? Why does Jake English have stuff that looks a lot like Lord English? Who is this strange troll talking to Jane? Why does Jake have lusus bed sheets? Who let Roxy have booze? Why are all these kids so THIRSTY????

Molly and Ashley discover the secret locked behind a door in Doc Scratch's apartment. He tells them and his secret protegee about the history of trolls, specifically before they scratched their game. Andrew Hussie jumps into the comic and finally becomes a real character. The scratch finally happens, people die, people ascend, suckers are revealed and the promise of a new universe awaits.

Ashley and Molly have to pick up the panels after Doc Scratch beats up a ruffian. This leaves with an alarming amount of free will. They have a variety of stories to choose from! Are they going to read about Dave and Rose and who is piloting the now very real suicide mission? Or maybe they are going to hear the sad story of Vriska meeting a John who doesn't seemt to remember her? Perhaps they'll find out what the returning Davesprite knows about the true nature of denizens? Will they find what is behind the locked door in Doc Scratch's apartment and who "she" is? Will they be reunited with Jade and Karkat as they talk about frogs and receive an impossible task? Or maybe they'll get in a rap off with Gamzee and Tavros for some reason. Of course, the answer is "All of them." That's the only answer when you have free will.

Well hello there. The girls known as Molly and Ashley have run into a bit of a snag. Their disc has been scratched and it's going to take until the end of Act 5 to fix it. How dreadful. Well it would be if a gracious host didn't come to their rescue and show them hospitality. Truly they are so lucky. I show them some people who are not so lucky as one of the favorites of the podcast is killed off and another is in grave mortal danger now. The girls do seem to like my apartment and go on and on how Homestuck plays with the canvas of webpages. As fires are lit and Felt are killed they are only beginning to know the full extent of my power and influence. Ha Ha. He He. Ho Ho.

AT LAST, THE EPISODE EVERYONE HAS BEEN WAITING FOR. WE ARE GOING TO TALK SO MUCH ABOUT ALL THE DIFFERENT WAYS TROLLS JERK OFF INTO BUCKETS SO THAT MUSCLEBOUND DRONES CAN PUMP THEIR GROSS SEX-GOOP INTO A HORRIBLE WORM MONSTER THAT SQUIRTS OUT GROSS LARVAE. HAPPY JANUARY TWENTY-SECOND EVERYONE

Rose has gone Grimdark and this means that she now has one track mind to kill Bec Noir. She meets up with John who finally learns the fate of his dad. Dave grieves(?) for his bro and then tries to get his sword out of him. Terezi interrogates Dave for his feelings as he starts to open up. Terezi meanwhile is getting ready to fight Vriska but ends up getting involved in trying to find Homestuck Disc 2.

Molly and Ashley find out why exactly you never turn your back on the body as another troll body gets added to the pile. Doomed Dave has a conversation with a very much alive Aradia. She explains how Homestuck's after life works and then tells a group of friends just who that mysterious Doc Scratch is. Doc Scratch has a conversation with one of his many protegees and Rose finally goes dark.

Troll culture is weird. And violent. And WEIRD. and it turns out that when you combine that with the emotional turbelence of adolescence, it creates PROBLEMS. Vriska can't decide if she wants to murder everyone or be loved by everyone. Equius is an aristocratic racist who just wants to be dommed SO BAD. Karkat is deeply ashamed and embarrassed by the color of his blood, and feels the need to keep it a closely-guarded secret. And it seems like everybody, EVERYBODY, is obssessed with romance. But that probably won't come up in a meaningful way. Also Ashley spends like ten minutes explaining the plot of the last Twilight movie to me??

That's right, everyone! It's time at last for us introduce the best worst BEST character in all of Homestuck, the one and only Spidertroll. She makes a big splash in her first appearance, mind-controlling Tavros into throwing himself off a cliff and thereby kickstarting a horrible chain reaction of revenge that forever scars the bonds of friendship between our Alternian buddies. Aside from that though, who's this white-text douchebag?

Things are going about as badly as they could for our troll friends. Karkat is on the run from multiple murderers. Kanaya, Feferi and Tavros are all dead. Terezi vendetta against Vriska is making her miss real danger. Gamzee has gone on a murderous rampage. Eridan is somewhere in the meteor and one of them seems to have developed a taste for blood. It's not all doom and gloom. John meets WV and they have a great time in a flying car. John and Jade talk about sinking ships and Vriska opens up about her thoughts on killing.

Andrew Hussie reveals himself as not Lord English and takes us on another recap that Ashley doesn't read. Jade learns some stuff about herself by talking to herself and a Karkat that seems much nicer. WV has a nightmare that shows his darkest fears. Aradia finally explodes after saying goodbye to Sollux, but that doesn't mean she's dead. Vriska and Tavros finally have their showdown and they have a bad time. Kanaya talks to Jade about the mysterious breeding Space players must do and how their universe works. Eridan gets into an argument over meeting up with Bec Noir and there are deadly consequences as we start to enter a dark period of Homestuck.

Do you feel the holiday spirit in the air? Do you hear the shitty JPEG aritfacted bells? It's Gristmas! Between opening and making gifts we see how Vriska went god tier in maybe the most grisly way. We see Jade make a ton of neat stuff. Dave confronts his own and Terezi makes statements about luck. Then Jade does something and the most important character in Homestuck is revealed.

Luke and Ashley dive deeper into Hivebent, getting acquainted with a whole mess of new troll friends, and the plot Sollux and Aradia are weaving to save the world through SGRUB. Well, that's what Sollux is doing. Aradia has... ulterior motives.

Jade is FINALLY in the game and now has to deal with all the consequences of what just happened, including talking to Bec. Dave assures her that everything is going to be fine and pirates a copy of a game. Rose finally reveals the plan she's been cooking up and it may have horrible consequences. John recovers from the windy thing and walks around town while Vriska talks to him about some special type of bed.

Molly and Ashley are very happy to return to Jade but there's no earthly way of knowing what she's dreaming about. She gets into a conversation with two different Karkats. Rose is even more spooky and has a crystal ball. Dave is hanging around Derse reading books. John finally learns how exactly they fuck everything up and we realize it's consequences as we have our first death.

IT'S TIME. Luke and Ashley take the plunge into the fifth act of Homestuck, and spend some time getting themselves properly acquainted with the trolls. They learn about Karkat's love of bad romcoms and bad programming languages, Gamzee's prophetic religious beliefs, and Terezi's insatiable thirst for justice. Also, there's a password screen at some point? Eh that's probably nothing.

Molly and Ashley finally live their dreams and be Karkat (along with Vriska and Terezi.) They talk to their companions, give orders about not sleeping and RP'ing. As they go deeper into the meteor they uncover secrets about the past and the not too distant future. Meanwhile in the kids session John is connecting with Jade, Dave is from the future, Rose is still creepy and Jade is MIA.

After finally learning Kanaya's name Rose then asks if she knows anything about the mysterious and capitalized "Green Sun." Kanaya tells Rose that she can't see her in the future. Terezi starts looking at a cool kid and gets paid. Jade falls on a bed and instantly falls asleep. John gets a nifty new outfit and starts to learn some troll names. Dave cries and then commits fraud on the stock market with himself. Karkat gives romance advice and learns about incest. WHAT AN EP!

With half of this podcast leaving Hivebent and the other half entering it, it might be a good time to pause and take stock. Also I think my past self promised to do this episode during an angry fit it was throwing at my even paster self? Who knows. Anyway, I recap the first four acts of homestuck, which is generally considered the first part of the story, and the "classic flavor" version before things started getting weird with trolls and cherubs and a bunch of other kids and weird crap. See you later this week for the start of Hivebent!

Molly and Ashley return to the kid's universe, we finally see what happened to them after tragedy them. First Karkat has to hit on John who's wearing some odd PJs and they plan to meet up. Jade jumps into bed and Rose begins to take everything apart. We learn the answer to a mystery we didn't know was a mystery and have a lot of trans timeline talk. Wait, no not that kind.

Molly and Ashley FINALLY wrap up the section of the comic known as Hivebent. Just what are the feelings between the Sea Dwellers? What's the deal with Dream Lives? Has Molly seen The Never Ending Story? Are memos really hard to voice act? Is Karkat the best at romance? What is THE SCRATCH? Did Karkat and Terezi fuck??? We hear the answer to some of those.

If the future is set in stone, how can your decisions matter? What's the point of knowing the future if there's nothing you can do to change it? If the game is rigged from the start, why bother playing? And most importantly: why does John love Con Air so friggin' much?

Chess pieces both figurative and literal are moving into place as the kids' Reckoning rapidly approaches. Jack Noir murders the Black King, WV assembles an army, Rose and Dave suit up, and I BLOW ASHLEY'S MIND when John takes a fateful trip into the Veil.

Molly and Ashley are STILL in Hivebent and it's time for Ashley to take Molly to school. Well, if school specialized in fictional alien romance and reproduction. We learn about a hatred of frogs, get a mobius reacharound. meet a fashionable Twilight Fan, watch a fan favorite character bully a kid in a wheelchair and finally meet two undersea royals.

Molly and Ashley continue through Hivebent as they continue to meet all these new characters. There's a guy who like being STRONG and everyones favorite spider girl. Our hosts deal with a murderous lusus, have a cybering session, learn a character was dead all along, deal with the first Homestuck break and meet an excellent host.

Molly and Ashley meet some more trolls including a bee hacker, a boy with big dreams, a shipping cat girl and a very spooky girl with no interests. Bad puns are told, cute cat names are said and cursed viruses are run. We meet Rufioh who is fake and not real. Molly and Ashley make weird wrestling jokes and we learn of a demon who is already here.

Hug your loved ones tight John, because things are about to take a TURN. Luke and Ashley watch as John kills himself and forces Dave to consign an entire timeline to oblivion to save him, while Jack Noir finally lashes out and claims his bloody, brutal destiny. All the signs seem to point to the future being unchangeable and unescapable. But if that's the case, then what does it mean that the kids are apparently doomed to failure?

Welcome fellow trolls!!! It's youur friendly host Mrtyuu Sappho (that's me in the album art!!!) and I'm here with my morail Yrfrin Mollly. I think youu'll really love this episode!!! We make all sorts of fuunny voices and talk about ouur weird planet!!! Okay that joke is already getting tired. Ashley and Molly do get to Act 5 and start reading the turning moment of the comic known as Hivebent. What does Molly think about all these new characters? Is Hitch really that good? What's the deal with this spooky girl? Why does Sollux say they're all going to die? Just how good is Terezi? Some of these quuuestions are answered!!! Wait, shit.

The pieces are beginning to fall into place as the kids dig deeper into SBURB and Luke and Ashley dig deeper into Act 4. They learn about the roles the exiles play, the complicated time travel nonsense the trolls have gotten themselves tangled up in, and the alchemiter's upgrade system. The trolls' Seer arrives on the scene, taunting our heroes and threatening to murder them. And most importantly of all, Luke makes good on a very important promise.

Molly and Ashley are getting neck deep in the Homestuck shit, but first they have to watch Dave make a bunch of mostly useless bullshit. We watch a Betty Crocker Factory blow up. Then we watch John make his parents, his friends and himself. Then we watch as everything goes bad as we end Act 4.

Dangit Ashley, way to scoop me on "Let Me Tell You About LOWAS"! Ashley and I take our first, stumbling steps out into the Land of Wind and Shade. We learn about secret wizards, crumpled hats, and the sacred nature of frogs. Before we can even stop to catch our breath, Rose enters her own world, the Land of Light and Rain. As she fondly regards the Lisa Frank notebook she's been banished to, Dave and Jade get to work setting up Dave's session, and our friends in the distant future bask in the glow of the human emotion called friendship.

Ashley and Molly return from their brief flirtation with fourth wall breaking to talk to more trolls, take some shortcuts and crash into Rose's house. Presents are opened, secret PTA meetings are held, questions are asked and big men have the answers.

As Luke and Ashley continue to wind their way through The Felt's mansion, more of its secrets are slowly exposed. Who is Lord English? What's the deal with Snowman? How is Spades Slick connected to Jack Noir? Along the way, Luke taunts Ashley with all the Homestuck Secrets he knows, and the two take a moment to present a very important PSA.

Ashley and Molly are left to pick up the pieces of what went so horribly wrong last time as we learn about doomed timelines. John goes on a jetpack ride, Rose falls asleep, Dave talks to himself and Jack Noir takes control. Also Andrew Hussie shows up so we talk about horse paintings and he tells us about Homestuck.

Molly and Ashley are greeted with a giant eggy looking thing, some trolls with bad attitudes and worse rhymes and a touching reunion between two groups that just met. The kids make their way through their lands while being harassed by aliens and the exiles have a royal meeting. Molly learns about Troll movie culture, GC threatens to murder a child and everything goes horribly wrong.

I'm finally releasing an episode that was reference by Ashley and Molly two alpha episodes ago! It wouldn't be a Homestuck podcast without a convoluted timeline. Fresh out of Act 3, we find ourselves filled with questions, but of course Homestuck isn't keen on answering any of them. Instead, we take off on an apparently completely unrelated adventure through the mansion of the time-traveling mobster gang, The Felt. Spades Slick is on a mission to destroy clocks, murder green men, and drop maddening hints about the larger nature of Homestuck's universe.

Molly and Ashley finally bust out of a confusing intermission to finally see the new world John has found himself in. They walk around a bit, take in the local culture, meet a secret wizard and use funny voices. Also bad decisions involving shaving cream are made.

Molly and Ashley enter the bizarre world of the Midnight Crew. Well, bizzare in a different way then what Homestuck usually is. We get up to our asses in time travel, eggs and biscuits, Problem Sleuth references that Ashley loves and just general mayhem. Also we try to unravel how exactly this whole thing connects to Homestuck proper. Oh, and we see one of those trolls people keep talking about.

It's a Homestuck double-header today! Luke and Ashley barrel onward toward the end of Act 3, exploring John's love for his friends, the Aimless Renegade's crush on the Peregrine Mendicant, and Jack Noir's begrudging respect for John's dad. We also get some hints about the nature of Jade's future-sight, meet a few more trolls, and Ashley endorses my erstwhile OTP before everything rockets headlong into the end of Act 3.

As another person falls into the Homestuck fold, so too do the dark engines of LMTYAHS start again. Ashley is now joined by her friend and Totally Reprise co-host Molly to dive deep into the webcomic. They discuss what Molly has read so far, meet an Aimless Renegade, discuss just how cute baby Jade is and just when things pick up we are thrust into the world of The Midnight Crew. These episodes should come out on Tuesday for the foreseeable future.

John and Rose spend some time chatting about the recent revelation of John's psychological issues, while Jade's dream self explores Prospit, the planet orbiting Skaia. Meanwhile, WV and PM get a heaping helping of bullets from the Aimless Renegade, and Homestuck makes a bunch of Bill Cosby jokes that were wayyyyyyyyyyyyy funnier in 2009.

Homestuck is a comic within a comic within Homestuck! Jade's grandpa has been dead for years! Rose's mom is some kind of mad scientist that helped create SBURB! John's dad is just a boring businessman! Spades Slick is really Jack Noir! Gushers are made by Betty Crocker! Becquerel is some kind of interdimensional hellbeast! Dave's bro is kind of a huge jerk! Wait, I guess we knew that last one already...

It's a new act, and with it comes a new character! Jade arrives on the scene to complete our original quartet of characters. She plays a silly flute refrain, fertilizes the HECK outta some plants, and tells us all about her love of guns, fresh produce, and furries. Oh and also she deeeeefinitely gets cancer from constantly exposing herself to uranium. RIP Jade.

It's time to get Ashley formally acquainted with the secret best character in Homestuck, the Wawyward Vagabond. Luke and Ashley boggle vacantly at his shenanigans as he constructs an elaborate fantasy of municipal democracy, inadvertantly forshadows details of events to come, makes friends with a cute little firefly, and eats every vaguely green-colored object in sight.

Me and Ashley continue exploring Dave's um... unfortunate home life, as he sifts through piles upon piles of plush puppet ass to build an assortment of deadly replica anime weapons to challenge his Bro with, accidentally participating in puppet snuff films along the way. It's not all sex dungeons and criminal neglect though, as John takes some inspiration from famed Night Court actor Harry Anderson to unlock the secrets of SBURB's punchard-based crafting system, and it's a good thing because it looks like he'll need it soon! Oh, and also? As of this episode, Ashley is OFFICIALLY A HOMESTUCK FAN. WELCOME TO THE DARK CARNIVAL, SISTER

John's conversation with his Nanna ends on a sour note, as she reveals that there's no hope for saving the earth. What a bummer! Luke and Ashley trudge on undeterred, as John stubbornly refuses to eat cookies, the Wayward Vagabond discovers a textbook on human etiquette, Rose does some more walkthrough writing, and Dave, um, starts to realize some things about his brother.

John's conversation with his Nanna ends on a sour note, as she reveals that there's no hope for saving the earth. What a bummer! Luke and Ashley trudge on undeterred, as John stubbornly refuses to eat cookies, the Wayward Vagabond discovers a textbook on human etiquette, Rose does some more walkthrough writing, and Dave, um, starts to realize some things about his brother.

Luke and Ashley venture deeper into Act 2, as John experiences his first real battle and at last meets his clownma, and Rose makes the dangerous trek through the storm to her dead cat's mausoleum. Along the way, they discuss some of Homestuck's more problematic language, and also the Knife Show for some reason??

Luke and Ashley sit down to get a little bit more acquainted with the first prominent female character in Homestuck. We learn about her intense psychological war with her mother, her mom's ironic and infuriating love of wizards, and Rose's creativity in the world of refrigerator magnet insults. Along the way, we talk about some of Ashley's film school misadventures, the uncomfortable "racestuck" controversy, Ashley's deep and abiding love of The Mountain Goats, and a bunch of other silly nonsense that is only tangentially related to Homestuck.

There's this really cool dude, okay? He's named Dave, and this episode's almost exclusively about getting to know him. Me and Ashley learn all about his complex post-ironic irony, his hit webcomic Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff, and also... talk about the long-forgotten webtoon series Bonus Stage for some reason? Basically this episode is super chill and super cool, so just sit back, crack into a bottle of AJ, and try not to accidentally murder any crows with your unbelievably cool replica katana.

There's this really cool dude, okay? He's named Dave, and this episode's almost exclusively about getting to know him. Me and Ashley learn all about his complex post-ironic irony, his hit webcomic Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff, and also... talk about the long-forgotten webtoon series Bonus Stage for some reason? Basically this episode is super chill and super cool, so just sit back, crack into a bottle of AJ, and try not to accidentally murder any crows with your unbelievably cool replica katana.

WE'RE BACK. After a series of increasingly escalating dares, Luke and Ashley have revived Luke's old podcast, Let Me Tell You About Homestuck, and set off to begin reading through the monster that is the webcomic Homestuck. In this maiden voyage, they discuss Ashley's former history with the webcomic, esoteric computer programming jokes, and the weird legal grey area around using copyrighted imagery for the purpose of parody. Also, we meet our hero, John Egbert, and are briefly introduced to the trials and trevails he's about to get into surrounding the hit new video game SBURB. We have a feeling it's going to be a long day.

WE'RE BACK. After a series of increasingly escalating dares, Luke and Ashley have revived Luke's old podcast, Let Me Tell You About Homestuck, and set off to begin reading through the monster that is the webcomic Homestuck. In this maiden voyage, they discuss Ashley's former history with the webcomic, esoteric computer programming jokes, and the weird legal grey area around using copyrighted imagery for the purpose of parody. Also, we meet our hero, John Egbert, and are briefly introduced to the trials and trevails he's about to get into surrounding the hit new video game SBURB. We have a feeling it's going to be a long day.