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19 Nocturne Boulevard

English, Old Time Radio, 4 seasons, 796 episodes, 9 hours, 29 minutes
Award-winning anthology series of audio dramas, in the realm of the strange, speculative, and supernatural. Some episodes include more mature content, but have warning labels.
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BINGO THE BIRTHDAY CLOWN, episode 15 (19 Nocturne reissue of the day)

Episode 15 - The Mash Things move apace.  Penny tries to mash herself into the boom chute, Gina talks mashed potatoes, something else ends up sort of mashed, and Tunis put the mash on Linda.... And a black leather catsuit.
5/3/202311 minutes, 19 seconds
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BINGO THE BIRTHDAY CLOWN, episode 14 (19 Nocturne reissue of the day)

Episode 14 - Small Terminations Legs.  Guns.  More flashbacks.  An end.  A beginning.
5/2/202312 minutes, 21 seconds
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BINGO THE BIRTHDAY CLOWN, episode 13 (19 Nocturne reissue of the day)

Episode 13 - Boom Chute Can Penny get back in the vents? Can Linda get on Tunis' good side?  Does he have a good side? Will the Professor set Shaboo's pants on fire? And what will happen to the new Starrrrrrrettttte?
5/1/20239 minutes, 26 seconds
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BINGO THE BIRTHDAY CLOWN, episode 12 (19 Nocturne reissue of the day)

Episode 12 - Unstoppable Linda has left the studio....  and found another one. Gina finds something she hasn't seen in years, too... And who knows what's happening to Shaboo?
4/30/202310 minutes, 38 seconds
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BINGO THE BIRTHDAY CLOWN, episode 11 (19 Nocturne reissue of the day)

Episode 11 - Captivate Everyone just gets carried away.....
4/29/20239 minutes, 44 seconds
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BINGO THE BIRTHDAY CLOWN, episode 10 (19 Nocturne reissue of the day)

Episode 10 - Poetry in Motion Time to drop hands and change partners - do-si-do. And a new player hits the field.
4/25/20238 minutes, 35 seconds
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BINGO THE BIRTHDAY CLOWN, episode 9 (19 Nocturne reissue of the day)

Episode 9 - Rude Awakening Things spiral out of control on the air, and into a dither in the outland.
4/24/20238 minutes, 42 seconds
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BINGO THE BIRTHDAY CLOWN, episode 8 "Monkey Drop"

(19 Nocturne reissue of the day) A tragic death.  A tragic memory.  A tragic turn of events.
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BINGO THE BIRTHDAY CLOWN, episode 7 "Lucky Penny"

(19 Nocturne reissue of the day)   Linda and Penny escape? What about Gary? The ever-hard-to-describe story continues...
4/22/20238 minutes, 20 seconds
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(19 Nocturne reissue of the day) Linda returns from the Red Zone.... but things have not gone well.
4/21/20238 minutes, 45 seconds
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BINGO THE BIRTHDAY CLOWN, episode 5 (19 Nocturne reissue of the day)

"Let Bingo Out" The fate of a favorite.
4/20/20239 minutes, 52 seconds
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BINGO THE BIRTHDAY CLOWN, episode 4 (19 Nocturne reissue of the day)

It's episode 256 - again.  And again.  And again. What's behind the magic door?
4/19/20239 minutes
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BINGO THE BIRTHDAY CLOWN, episode 3 (19 Nocturne reissue of the day)

Episode 3 "Talent Show" It's all for the children.  And... where do all the old Starrettes go?
4/16/20238 minutes, 23 seconds
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BINGO THE BIRTHDAY CLOWN, episode 2 (19 Nocturne reissue of the day)

"Liberate" A new Starrette.  And an old one.  And one other...  "Star Crunch - Star Crunch! Eat it for breakfast, eat it for lunch!" Written on a sort of dare from the never-to-be-forgotten Bill Hollweg, the entire 30 script arc was written in about a month, and made... well... more slowly.
4/14/20238 minutes, 26 seconds
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BINGO THE BIRTHDAY CLOWN, episode 1 (19 Nocturne reissue of the day)

And the saga begins.... BINGO THE BIRTHDAY CLOWN Episode 1, "Before". Before what?  Just "before". Music by Project System 12   The Cult Classic from 19 Nocturne Boulevard.  Sort of like Howdy Doody and The Prisoner had a thalidomide lovechild. Try it.........  join us........
4/13/20237 minutes, 3 seconds
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PromEvil (part 4 of 4) (19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week)

PromEvil part 4, "Home Before Curfew" See who lives, who dies, and who finds romance at the Polk High prom, in this, the final installment...   A lot of people put their heart and soul into producing this memorable event: STUDENTS Hal - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Lyn - Molly Tollefson Todd - Eli Nilsson Gee - Melissa Bartell Barb - Beverly Poole Andy - Mike Campbell Bud - Jasper Loovis Tina - Chandra Wade Missy - Jade Thomson Jake - Michael Faigenblum other students - Sky Iolta, Shelbi MacIntyre, Henry Mark FACULTY Principal Peabody - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mr. Ervin Carpel, Woodshop - Gene Thorkildsen Ms. Angela Wellesly, Crafts - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Mrs. Snodgrass, Lunchroom - Robyn Keyes P.A. Announcements - Julie Hoverson Rent-a-cop Bob - The Caretaker OTHERS Cop 1 - Glen Hallstrom Cop 2 - Joel Harvey 911 Voice - Julie Hoverson STAFF Writer - Julie Hoverson Doll Wranglers - Julie Hoverson, Kimberly Poole (Warp'd Space) Sound and Mastering - Julie Hoverson Stock sound effects -; Music - Prom - Sinkhole Music - background - Kevin MacLeod ( ________________________________________________________________   Prom Evil PART 4   1. Craft shop SOUND          [under] POUNDING INSIDE THE KILN LYN            Hal? HAL            It's just a scratch.  I really thought the heavy foam of the Polky would-- LYN            Well, it didn't!  I need something-- SOUND          TEARING FABRIC GEE            It's not sterile, but this muslin's better than nothing.  You'll have to wrap it-- SOUND          [DISTANT] GUN SHOT ANDY           Holy shit! BARB           [gaspy scream] ANDY           Ow.  Okay, okay - lighten up there!  you're Choking me, babe!  Let go!  BARB           I'm being vulnerable, dammit!  Appreciate it! HAL            Whatever else that shot means, there's someone else in the school.  So the door must be open again. ANDY           I'll check the hall. SOUND          FEET AND HAND TRUCK, DOOR LYN            This really needs proper attention. HAL            When we get out.  BARB           [interrupting] WHEN we get out?  Don't you mean IF we get out? MUSIC   2. punchbowl AMB            GYM PEABODY        Miss Harrison, have you seen Bob? ANGELA         Not since he went to check out the school.  He was going to try and find Marge. PEABODY        The school?  It's locked. ANGELA         Well, that's apparently debatable. MUSIC   3. hallway SOUND          STRIKER CLICKS, TORCH LIGHTS SOUND          WALKING, WITH HAND TRUCK ANDY           Stay behind me, babe. BARB           Well, duh. LYN            Tsk. SOUND          GUN SHOT [Everyone reacts at roughly the same time.] ANDY           Shit! HAL            Holy crap! LYN            Oh. My. God. TODD           [gasped] Laurel? SOUND          FIVE MORE SHOTS BARB           Fuck this! GEE            Wow! SOUND          FEET POUNDING, HAND TRUCK ROLLING FAST BARB           Andy!  God! HAL            Don't!  Shit.  Stay together. SOUND          HAL LIMPING, RUNNING AFTER ANDY LYN            Hal! MUSIC   4. outside gym AMB            OUTSIDE, RAIN SOUND          MUSIC STILL AUDIBLE FROM DANCE SOUND          CLICK TO TALK NOISE PEABODY        Bob?  Where in hell are you, you moron? MUSIC   5. hallway SOUND          [close] STABBING NOISE BOB            [DEATH RATTLE] PEABODY        [on talkie] Bob?  I don't care if you're-- SOUND          BUTTON IS PUSHED, MACHINE CUTS OUT LEDERHOSEN GUY  [chuckles] SOUND          RUNNING FEET AND HAND TRUCK APPROACH ANDY           [off, barely winded] Holy shit!  HAL            [off, gasping]  Rent-a-cop Bob! LEDERHOSEN GUY  [eager noise] SOUND          DOLL FEET RUN AT THEM ANDY           Shiiiiiit! SOUND          TURNS UP THE FLAME HAL            What're you doing?  Get back here! ANDY           No.  This little shit's going down! SOUND          ROAR OF FIRE HAL            Got him! ANDY           Die, fucker! SOUND          BURNING CRACKLING WOOD LEDERHOSEN GUY  [chuckling] SOUND          WOODEN FEET RUN, DRAGGING KNIFE HAL            It's not stopping!!!  Come on! SOUND          LIMPING RUNNING FEET ANDY           [frozen] What the fuck, man!  What the fuck? SOUND          FLAMING WOOD HITS THE METAL CYLINDER ANDY           Shit!  Get off the tank you little-- SOUND          METAL ON METAL LEDERHOSEN GUY  [chuckles, but losing to the flame a little] HAL            [distant] Andy! Just drop it! SOUND          METAL CLANG, GAS HISS, EXPLOSION ANDY           [Screams] HAL            [distant] Noooooooo! MUSIC   6. gym AMB            GYM SOUND          FIRE ALARM GOES OFF. SOUND          MUSIC TAPERS OUT CROWD          [uncertain what to do] PEABODY        [annoyed] Give me strength. SOUND          QUICK FOOTSTEPS, STATIC SQUAWK PEABODY        [on P.A.] Do not panic.  Until you are informed otherwise, assume this is a false alarm.  I'll personally go and check into this.  Again, until I return and inform you that this is an actual emergency, please assume it is some idiot playing a dangerous, unfunny joke. SOUND          APPLAUSE MUSIC   7. hallway SOUND          SPRINKLERS, ALARMS SOUND          DISTANT SIZZLING BARB           [hysterical] I never thought I'd be glad to hear a fire alarm!  The firemen'll save us! LYN            The water's already putting it out. TODD           Which one was that?  Did you see? HAL            Which what?  TODD           [fierce] which doll, dammit? HAL            I just saw a pointy hat. TODD           Oh.  OK.  Good. BARB           [coming off tears] What now, Sherlock?  You blew up my boyfriend-- LYN            Hal's not responsible for that! BARB           Oh, really?  GEE            If this spell I found requires a human sacrifice, I know who I nominate. TODD           Spell? GEE            Does no one ever listen to me?  I think I can freeze up one of those things, by reciting these words-- SOUND          PIECE OF PAPER GEE            But I think someone will have to hold it down while I do.  So you guys need to pull it together. HAL            [quietly serious] That's three. LYN            What? HAL            The one in the oven, the one in the kiln, and that one.  Three down.  Only two left. LYN            [quietly] We could get his keys.  Bob's.  But we'll have to go around.  HAL            [agreeing humph]  No more fire.  SOUND          SMALL TORCH DROPPED IN METAL GARBAGE CAN MUSIC   8. OUTSIDE AMB            OUTSIDE SOUND          RAPID FEET ON GRAVEL PEABODY        Oh, please!  I've TOLD YOU it was just a prank!  SOUND          KEYS, UNLOCK, DOOR OPENS PEABODY        As I've complied with your guidelines for canceling a false alarm...if anyone shows up, don't even try charging the school for it! SOUND          DOOR SLAMS SHUT MUSIC   9. HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY, SPRINKLERS, ALARM SOUND          ALARM CUTS OUT BARB           [freaking] What?  But it’s - they have to-- What about the firemen?  [sobs] SOUND          SPRINKLERS CUT OUT, DRIPPING LYN            Let's go this way - Not so wet. GEE            It's a different sector.  They only go off one at a time. BARB           This is, like, the worst damn prom ever! MUSIC   10.         OFFICE SOUND          SWITCHES.  FUSE BOX CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS PEABODY        Huh!  Eat me, you degenerates.  You're not pulling any more-- [cuts himself off]  What? SOUND          QUIET CLICKING NOISE PEABODY        [calling, annoyed] All right, who's out there?  Is this some kind of joke? SOUND          THREE QUICK STEPS PEABODY        [ugh!  As he kicks] SOUND          HITS WOOD, DOLL FLIES ACROSS THE HALL, HITS WALL MAJORETTE      FURIOUS CLICKING PEABODY        You cretinous troglodytes!  Cowards!  Why don't you show your ugly little Morlock faces? SOUND          WOOD NOISES - TAPS AND CREAKS - AS MAJORETTE STANDS PEABODY        What the...? SOUND          WOODEN FOOTSTEPS PEABODY        Oh my god... SOUND          DOLL RUNS AT HIM PEABODY        Yahh! SOUND          DOOR SLAMS SOUND          CLICKING PEABODY        [effort] GET...OUT OF... DOOR SOUND          TRYING TO SLAM DOOR ON DOLL MUSIC   11.         HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY GEE            It's not exactly the quickest way to get back to Bob's keys- BARB           Maybe we should make you watch while we barbecue your boyfriend...oops, you don't have one. GEE            Survival overrules sentiment.  Besides - LYN            Cut it out.  We agreed it was probably still too dangerous, anyway.  We don't know how much damage the explosion did. HAL            Shh! SOUND          CREEPING AHEAD HAL            Ok.  Nothing moving.  All clear-- [cuts himself off] Hold on. SOUND          HIS FEET GO OFF SLOWLY LYN            What?  Hal? HAL            [off]  Bud!  Oh, Crap!! LYN            Come on. SOUND          ALL MOVE FORWARD LYN            Oh, heck.  Hal, I'm so sorry. HAL            [ignoring her] [muttering] Bud?  Bud, man?  LYN            I don't think he's-- HAL            Back off! LYN            [gasps, wobbly]  I-I'm  sorry.  But... [firming up, fiercely] But I don't want to die too, and we need you. HAL            I - I don't... [trails off] TODD           It wasn't Laurel.  She wouldn't do that. SOUND          HAL STANDS SUDDENLY, GRABS TODD HAL            [furious] It doesn't matter which one did it!  They're all dangerous! TODD           Ungh! HAL            See?  Look at that!  That was my best friend. TODD           You can't just burn her! GEE            We can try the's supposed to make them harmless. SOUND          DISTANT SCREAMS [Peabody] and SLAMMING NOISES HAL            Maybe you'll get your chance. MUSIC   12.         OFFICE SOUND          THUMP OF WOOD MAJORETTE      CLICKING SOUND          WOOD CREAK PEABODY        How can you be getting through?  How can you be moving?  MAJORETTE      CLICK AS IT THRUSTS SOUND          SQUISH OF A STAB PEABODY        [screams in pain]  My arm! SOUND          CREAK OF WOOD AGAIN MUSIC   13.         Hallway outside office HAL            [coming on] Right up ahead.  One of them is stuck in a door.  Whoever's screaming must be inside. GEE            This is the faculty area.  BARB           What, did you draw the maps for the school, too?  LYN            What did you see, Hal? HAL            Start the chant, Gee.  It's time to see if that stuff works.  Let's get this sucker... GEE            I think the doll has to hear the chant.  I may have to start over if it gets far enough away. LYN            It won't. GEE            [under throughout] [chant] SOUND          FEET MOVE SOUND          DOOR NOISES, DOLL NOISES, GET CLOSER HAL            [noise of effort as he grabs the doll] MAJORETTE      FURIOUS CLICKING, SOMEWHAT MUFFLED HAL            Open the door...I've got it! MR. PEABODY     [muffled]  Open the door?  Are you an idiot - Wait - Is that you, Farnesby?  You are in big trouble-- HAL            Just open the goddam door, Peabody!  We're rescuing you! SOUND          DOOR OPENS A BIT HAL            Ungh! [effort]  Wah! [doll pulls harder] SOUND          CREAK, FINALLY SNAP AS DOLL LETS GO, IS FLUNG ACROSS THE HALL - WOOD IMPACT SOUND          DOOR SLAMS HARD, LOCKS HAL            Mr. Peabody! LYN            Hal!  It's getting up! GEE            [continues the chant.] LYN            Barb!  Be ready with the broom! BARB           Goddam right! HAL            Just keep it in the hall here - don't let it get away! TODD           [muttered in relief]  The majorette.  Laurel's still all right. LYN            Knock it over here! SOUND          IMPACT ON WOOD, RATTLE AS DOLL SKIDS ACROSS THE FLOOR HAL            I've got it!  [effort noise as he kicks it] SOUND          KICKING WOOD HAL            Ow!  Little bitch is hard! LYN            It's heading for Gee!  The chant must be doing something!  Todd, you're--- Todd?  That little rat!  Barb!  Get it! BARB           [screaming in fury, and beating at it with the broom] SOUND          BROOM HITTING WOOD BARB           Shit! HAL            It's climbing!  Drop the broom! LYN            Barb! BARB           Ahhh! [throwing] SOUND          BROOM GOES FLYING  LYN            Gee!  Get out of-- SOUND          WOOD CLATTERS SOUND          DOLL SCAMPERS GEE            [speeds up, but keeps chanting] MAJORETTE      CLICKING EXCITEMENT SOUND          THRUST, BLOOD GEE            [gasps, then finishes chant] SOUND          DOLL TURNS SOLID LYN            Omigod!  It went.. right through her! SOUND          BANGING ON DOOR HAL            PEABODY!!  Call an ambulance!  DAMN YOU! GEE            [whimpering, breathing hard] LYN            We can't just leave her! HAL            There's one more out there.  We can't DO anything... GEE            [whispered]  Did it work? LYN            The doll froze!  But it's baton thing is... is-- GEE            [strained whisper] Don't pull it out. LYN            What? GEE            [whimper of pain]  LYN            I won't let you die! GEE            Not much you can do to stop it.  Go!  [long sigh] BARB           Is she dead yet?  Can we go? LYN            You! SOUND          PUNCH IN THE FACE BARB           Ow!!!  LYN            And where's that little toad? HAL            Lyn?  We could get out now. LYN            There's only one more.  And I have this-- SOUND          CRACKLE OF PAPER LYN            She handed it to me right before-- [sob] HAL            You're the one who said we should get help.  That we can't handle this on our own. LYN            [with mounting hysteria] I was wrong.  There's no one we can go to for help!  How could we even ask?  "No, really, officer, there are killer dolls in our high school.  We have this magic book with a spell to de‑animate them, but we need someone to help us hold them down while we chant."  There's just no one else! MUSIC   14.         Hallway away from office AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          RAPID WALKING TODD           [loud whisper]  Laurel!  Laurel, they're going to try and get you!  You should come with me!  Laurel??? MUSIC   15.         Hallway leaving office SOUND          WALKING HAL            You're upset.  Not thinking right.  These things are deadly.  We've both lost friends, and I don't want to lose ... any more. LYN            There's nobody left to lose. SOUND          FEET STOP HAL            There's you, and I don't want to have to face that. LYN            [realizing]  Ohh! SOUND          FEET APPROACH BARB           I'm bleeding and you don't even care.  You just walk off and leave me.  You think it's my fault your stupid Wednesday Addams clone died.  You want me to die, too. LYN            [sighs] No, I don't want you to die. BARB           Oh, please.  Like I believe that.  You just want to be alone... and I don't even have anyone to be alone with any more. HAL            Come on.  We'll get the front door open and you'll be fine. BARB           What if I don't want to come along?  Maybe I want to leave YOU behind for the dolls to kill. LYN            You're not making any sense, Barb.  Calm down.  We all just want to get out of here alive. SOUND          RUNNING TINY WOODEN FEET BARB           I'm not going to calm down just because you tell me to! LYN            We can argue outside!  Come on! SOUND          IMPACT BARB           [oof!]  [screams!!] HAL            Shit!  Lyn!  Read!  I'll grab it! BARB           [screaming and running] HAL            Get back here!  Dammit! SOUND          STABBING NOISE, GURGLES BARB           [stops screaming abruptly] SOUND          BARB STUMBLES, FALLS BARB           [death rattle] SOUND          DOLL STEPS CLEAR HAL            Right over here, you little monster-- LYN            [begins reading the chant] SOUND          DOLL TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS TODD           [running on]  Noooo! SOUND          RUNNING FEET DASH UP HAL            What the--? TODD           Laurel!! SOUND          RUSTLE OF FABRIC, CLUNK OF WOOD HALL           [astonished and upset] Todd?  [up] What are you doing? TODD           [going off again]  You'll never get Laurel!!! LYN            What is wrong with him?  Oh, shit!  Barb! HAL            She's ...dead.  MUSIC   16.         office 9-1-1 VOICE    What is the nature of your emergency? PEABODY        Um, I - there's been an accident at Polk High.  YES, I am serious! This is the principal.  9-1-1          Where are you sir? PEABODY        [choked up] Locked in my office. MUSIC   17.         Hallway away from office TODD           [panting for breath, swallows nervously]  You can out of my coat now. SOUND          RUSTLE OF FABRIC TODD           You wouldn't hurt me would you? LAUREL         [slight awww noise] TODD           I didn’t think so.  Oh!  I have something for you! SOUND          GETS CHAIN OUT OF POCKET TODD           I hope you like gold.  It's a locket.  It was too small for much of a picture, but anything bigger wouldn't fit you. SOUND          CHAIN AGAINST WOOD LAUREL         Awww noise. TODD           Perfect.  I knew it would be. SOUND          WOOD TAP LIGHTLY ON THE GOLD TODD           What’s on your hand?  [upset]  Ohhh.  Blood. LAUREL         slightly creepy awww noise. TODD           [starting to collapse into tears] No.  You're not evil.  You can't be evil! LAUREL         Awww? TODD           [sobs]  Oh, hell!  [gets ahold of himself, talking to distract her] I've always known you wouldn't hurt me, Laurel.  I put so much into you when I carved you.  I'd never let anyone burn you up...I promise!  you're so beautiful. SOUND          RUSTLE OF FABRIC LAUREL         [muffled annoyed] aww!!! TODD           CRYING, RUNS OFF SOUND          RUNNING FEET MUSIC   18.         hallway LYN            We should go after him! HAL            There's nothing we can do. LYN            Why'd he do that? HAL            He's in love with the darn thing, haven't you noticed? LYN            No.  ...I guess I'm kind of dense when it comes to romantic stuff. HAL            A lot of us are.  I know this isn't the time, but after we get out of here...  Well, keep me in mind, will ya? LYN            I - [smiling a bit] I think I can do that. SOUND          RUNNING FEET APPROACH HAL            Grab the broom! SOUND          CLATTER TODD           [coming in, panting] Quick, before I change my mind!  Start the incantation! SOUND          PAPER UNFOLDS LYN            [begins chant] TODD           Ow!  Don't struggle Laurel!  If they can freeze you, then they won't try and burn you! HAL            It's getting out! SOUND          CLATTER to FLOOR TODD           No! SOUND          THROWS COAT OVER IT HAL            Hold the coat down! TODD           Laurel!  It's for your own good! LAUREL         AWWWW! HAL            It's climbing out through the sleeve! TODD           Laurel!  Look at me! LAUREL         [angry Aww] TODD           Laurel? LAUREL         [nicer] Aww? SOUND          DOLL FREEZES LYN            Whooo.  I'm feeling dizzy. HAL            We should still burn it. TODD           No! SOUND          SHOVES HAL AGAINST A LOCKER TODD           [screaming] She's harmless now.  She can't hurt anyone. SOUND          RUSTLE AS HE GRABS HER AND RUNS OFF AGAIN LYN            I don't know what happened, but that sure... it really ...wasted me.  Did we win? HAL            Yeah.  We're still alive, anyway.  We should get out of here, though.  Now that we've finished them all... LYN            What are we going to tell people?  The police? HAL            I say we don't know anything.  Let them figure it out for themselves...that's what cops are paid for. LYN            Todd? HAL            He'll... he'll find his own way out. SOUND          [DISTANT] SIRENS COMING! MUSIC   19.         HALLWAY OUTSIDE OFFICE SOUND          DOORKNOB TURNS QUIETLY, DOOR OPENS PEABODY        [gasps] Todd? TODD           Oh, Mr. Peabody.  Um...  I think she's still breathing.  I was trying to help. PEABODY        What do you have there? TODD           Just a book.  [defensive]  It's mine. SOUND          BANGING AT THE OUTSIDE DOOR PEABODY        Stay right there.  You need to tell them what's going on. SOUND          DOOR CLOSES, TODD RUNS OFF MUSIC   20.         Leaving the building AMB            OUTSIDE HAL            You know, just this afternoon, I was sitting right over there, thinking that the only thing I wanted in the whole world was one dance with you tonight. LYN            [tired chuckle] HAL            I guess I missed my chance. LYN            It's not too late. HAL            The music's over.  Besides, neither of us is dressed for-- SOUND          KISS LYN            [breathy] Let's dance. HAL            But- LYN            Can't you hear the music?  [hums] HAL            Yeah. SOUND          THEIR FEET MOVING TOGETHER ON GRAVEL SOUND          FEET RUN PAST HAL & LYN      Todd? MUSIC END CREDITS  
4/6/202320 minutes, 55 seconds
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PromEvil (part 3 of 4) (19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week)

PromEvil Part 3:  "What a doll!" Trapped in Polk High with some kind of murderer, Hal, Lyn, Gee (and all the rest) must fight for survival!!  Find out who's doing the killing!    A lot of people put their heart and soul into producing this memorable event: STUDENTS Hal - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Lyn - Molly Tollefson Todd - Eli Nilsson Gee - Melissa Bartell Barb - Beverly Poole Andy - Mike Campbell Bud - Jasper Loovis Tina - Chandra Wade Missy - Jade Thomson Jake - Michael Faigenblum other students - Sky Iolta, Shelbi MacIntyre, Henry Mark FACULTY Principal Peabody - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mr. Ervin Carpel, Woodshop - Gene Thorkildsen Ms. Angela Wellesly, Crafts - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Mrs. Snodgrass, Lunchroom - Robyn Keyes P.A. Announcements - Julie Hoverson Rent-a-cop Bob - The Caretaker OTHERS Cop 1 - Glen Hallstrom Cop 2 - Joel Harvey 911 Voice - Julie Hoverson STAFF Writer - Julie Hoverson Doll Wranglers - Julie Hoverson, Kimberly Poole (Warp'd Space) Sound and Mastering - Julie Hoverson Stock sound effects -; Music - Prom - Sinkhole Music - background - Kevin MacLeod ( ____________________________________________________________________   Prom Evil - part 3 PART 3 1. LOUNGE SOUND          MUFFLED PANICKED SLAMMING AT DOOR SCREAM MEDLEY BARB           [PANIC!] ANDY           [PANIC!] LYN            Do something! GEE            Help Me! HAL            Don't - don't come in here! BARB           [PANIC!] ANDY           [PANIC!] MUSIC   2. hallway [silence] BUD            DEATH RATTLE SOUND          TINY TAPPING FEET MOVE AWAY MAJORETTE      clicking SOUND          BLOOD DROPS MUSIC   3. lounge AMB - LOUNGE BARB / ANDY    [still screaming out in hall] LYN            That sounds like Barb!  Something terrible could be happening! GEE            We can dream. HAL            Shh.  I'll look.  Stay back. SOUND          DOOR QUIETLY OPENS SOUND          SCREAMING AND SLAMMING GETS LOUDER BARB           Get it open!  Let us out! ANDY           [just screaming hoarsely and incoherent] HAL            Hey?  Who's after-- SOUND          ANDY STOPS SLAMMING ON DOOR, TURNS AND SLAMS HAL INTO WALL ANDY           [attack noise] SOUND          SCUFFLE, LONG TEAR OF FABRIC HAL            Oof! SOUND          LYN RUNS OUT LYN            [worried] Hal?   [yelling] Stop it! Andy! GEE            Here! LYN            [to gee] Thanks! [yelling]  Stop it! SOUND          HITS HIM WITH GEE'S UMBRELLA BARB           [collapsing into tears] Have to get out! LYN            [calming] Shh, Barb!  [sharp] Andy!  Hal's on our side! SOUND          SCUFFLE, LETS GO. SOUND          STRAIGHTENING CLOTHING, MORE RIPPING HAL            Man, the drama club is gonna be pissed. ANDY           The drama club can kiss my ass.  We're locked in, you stupid fuck! HAL            Locked in?  But we just came in.  SOUND          A FEW STEPS, TRIES DOOR - LOCKED HAL            [worried but quiet] Hmm.  [deep breath, then up, trying to stay positive] What a time for the teachers to realize they left the darn door unlocked. LYN            [hopeful] D'you think that's what happened? HAL            [false confidence] Had to be.  Who else could have locked it? BARB           Maybe... the murderer? LYN            Oh, gosh, did you see it too? BARB           [becoming less coherent as she continues] Oh, man... she was dead, and it was all gross, and I was right there!  She was all making these disgusting noises, and I didn't even know she was being killed... LYN            [completely baffled] What? HAL            She needs to sit down. ANDY           [growls] I got this.  [softer] C'mon babe. MUSIC   4. hallway AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          QUIET FOOTSTEPS TODD           [distant, whispered call] Laurel?  MAJORETTE      [close, clicking angrily] LAUREL         [clearly negative noise] [laurel is protecting todd from being attacked by the others] MAJORETTE      [CLICKS AWAY IN A HUFF] MUSIC   5. lounge AMB            LOUNGE LYN            We need to do something constructive.  Could we phone the Gym, maybe, and get someone to come unlock the door? GEE            Nah.  All the regular phones are turned off at night.  Too many calls to 1-800-H-O-T-T. HAL            How do you know that? GEE            [smug] I broke that story three weeks ago. ANDY           Man, we should find some weapons...if Barb's right, Tina only just died, so I bet the fucker's still around. SOUND          DOOR SLAMS OPEN BARB           [screams] TODD           The door's locked! ANDY           [yelling] Tell us something we don't know! HAL            [to Andy] Chill!  [to Todd] Last time I saw you, you were gibbering by the punch bowl... suddenly you're coherent-boy again.  What's up with that? TODD           It was awful, but...I... I just got over it.  That's all. LYN            Mr. Carpel and Missy?  We saw them too. TODD           [comes to a decision] You saw the bodies.  But... did you see the dolls? ANDY           Dolls?  What the fuck?   6. flashback TODD's FLASHBACK [NOTE:         Much of what Todd says is misleading, so some of what happens contradicts the Voice Over] TODD [VO]      I went to the Wood Shop this evening... [clearly lying] Mr. Carpel was expecting me. SOUND          LOCKPICKS, DOOR UNLOCKS TODD [VO]      The door was...uh...unlocked.  I opened it and... saw Mr. Carpel's body. TODD           [under] Ohmigod!  Laurel?  SOUND          DOLL FEET APPROACH LEDERHOSEN     [threatening noise] DUDE           huh-huh-huh TODD [VO]      And then THEY ran at me.  The DOLLS. TODD           [under, intrigued] You're... alive! SOUND          STICKY NOISE AS AWL IS PULLED OUT SOUND          SMALL FEET APPROACH MAJORETTE      [clicking and approaching] TODD [VO]      [choked up] They attacked me.  They knocked me down. SOUND          BODY DROP MONKEY HEAD    [screech] DUDE           [huh hu huh] MONKEY HEAD    [screech] SOUND          WOODEN THOK TODD           [under] Ow! SOUND          METAL BEING DRAGGED CLOSER TODD           [under] No, I don't--  Please!  I love you, Laurel! SOUND          THE DOLL NOISES CLOSE IN TODD           Ow! LAUREL         [sharp noise] SOUND          DOLL NOISES STOP SOUND          CREAK OF L's HEAD TURN LEDERHOSEN     [angry query] LAUREL         Uh-uh [no] TODD           [in the flashback] Laurel? LAUREL         [rueful noise] SOUND          ALL THE DOLLS RUN OFF DOWN THE HALL SOUND          TODD BREATHING.  SLOWLY GETS TO HIS FEET [End of flashback.]   7. lounge TODD           I don't know why they didn't kill me.  Maybe I'm just lucky...or they realized I wasn't any kind of threat. SOUND          STRUGGLE, BODY SLAMMED AGAINST WALL TODD           [gasp] ANDY           So YOU let them out, you little shit! LYN            Andy?  Andy!  [calming him] Weapons - like you were saying - is a really good idea.  [frantic, looking for support] Hal? HAL            Yeah!  C'mon, Andy.  We'll hit the-- GEE            Kitchen? HAL            Yeah, the kitchen!  You all stay's safer in a group. BARB           [sullen] If it's safer in a group, why don't we ALL go? LYN            [under her breath]  Todd's in no shape to go anywhere.  We can't just leave him! BARB           [disgusted noise]  Fine. MUSIC   8. hallway AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          METAL FILE SAWING ON METAL LEDERHOSEN     [EXASPERATED NOISE] SOUND          CHAIN SWINGS BACK AGAINST DOOR SOUND          SMALL WOODEN IMPACT AGAINST DOOR LEDERHOSEN     [snarl] SOUND          HIS FEET TAP AWAY MUSIC   9. kitchen AMB            KITCHEN SOUND          DOOR SLOWLY OPENS HAL            Hello? ANDY           Shh! HAL            [urgent whisper] The lights are on!  Someone must be in here! ANDY           Why aren’t they saying anything? HAL            Cuz we're whispering?  [up, but cautious] Hello? SOUND          DOOR FARTHER OPEN, A COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS HAL            Looks clear.  Come on. ANDY           Dude, I'm guarding the rear. HAL            Fine.  [sigh] SOUND          DOOR STARTS TO SWING SHUT, BUT IS STOPPED ANDY           [sniffs, then sharp] What's that?  HAL            Dunno.  Alcohol? ANDY           [long sniff]  Smells like bourbon.  [a bit happier]  Dude.  Just point me at it! SOUND          WALKS IN WITH CONFIDENCE HAL            We're not here for-- ANDY           [screams] SOUND          RUNNING FEET LEAVE HAL            What is it--?  Where?  Hello?  [angry sigh]  [muttered] I better see what-- SOUND          SLOW FOOTSTEPS HAL            [gasp]  Mrs. Snodgrass! SOUND          SCUFFLE, PATS, TRYING TO WAKE HER HAL            [revulsion noise]  Oh man! SOUND          TINY HANDS TAPPING ON GLASS HAL            [scared gasp] What the hell? DUDE           [muffled huh huhs rising] SOUND          FIRE IN THE OVEN HAL            [awed whisper]  Dolls.  MUSIC   10.         lounge AMB            LOUNGE SOUND          PACING SOUND          PAGE TURNS GEE            This is one weird book.  I can make out bits of it, but I think it's really old, and the words are all mixed up and spelled wrong... kinda like middle English.  Is there such a thing as middle French? LYN            Where are they? TODD           [duh] The Kitchen? LYN            Not them.  The police! SOUND          PAGES TURN BARB           [spacing out, talking to herself]  Andy is cute... TODD           Police?  [worried] Oh... GEE            The motivating...or maybe moving... of the ... unmoving? BARB           ...and he's pretty well off. SOUND          CHAIR SQUEAKS TODD           I have to go. SOUND          FOOTSTEPS - HIS AND LYN'S BARB           He would beat the crap out of someone for me. LYN            What? TODD           I have to go.  And... and get something. SOUND          PAGE TURNS GEE            [musing] Preparation of the mannequin? TODD           [lying] I... I think there's something in my... locker that I can use as a weapon. LYN            We need to stay together! GEE            [louder, but not in a different tone] Anointment of the offering. LYN and TODD    What? GEE            I think I mighta found something... Anointment of the offering.  [unsure] Maybe.  I REALLY need my dictionary.  SOUND          BOOK SLAPS SHUT GEE            [excited and a little creepy] And I want to see the bodies. MUSIC   11.         hallway AMB            HALLWAYS SOUND          FOOTSTEPS, WOODEN CLUNK ANDY           Don't tell 'em I was all getting sick back there, will ya? HAL            Huh? ANDY           With the dead lunch lady and all.  It'd make me look kinda know. HAL            [exasperated]  Yeah, whatever.  It's our secret. MUSIC   12.         lounge LYN            Look!  Both of you!  Wait til they get back.  We don't know how many of them [not quite believing] ...the dolls... there are. TODD and GEE    Five. TODD           Why do you know?  GEE            Who do you think takes the photos for the annual? BARB           I thought you were a reporter for the nerdletter. GEE            [pissed] I wear many hats. LYN            Too bad we don't have the photos-- GEE            Oh, that's easy. SOUND          PURSE OPENED, CAMERA ON, BUTTONS PUSHED GEE            Oh, good.  I haven't overwritten them all. BARB           If that's a phone, can't we call--? GEE            It's not.  I prefer not to wear a tether. LYN            Let me see. GEE            Besides, where's your phone? BARB           [muttered] I dropped it...somewhere. TODD           Do you have one of Laurel - um, my project? GEE            You can look after Lyn's done. SOUND          CLICKING THROUGH PICS LYN            And these ...dolls are somehow up and running around? GEE            Shh!  [beat, then whispered] Something's coming! SOUND          VAGUE TAPPING, MUFFLED AND DISTANT LYN            Shit! SOUND          A MOMENT OF TENSE SILENCE TODD           [whispered] Can I see the camera? LYN            Ssh! SOUND          ANOTHER DISTANT WOODEN CLUNK LYN            There must be something in here we can fight with! BARB           Yeah, lotta pockets on a prom dress! GEE            Stand back. SOUND          DOOR THROWN OPEN SOUND          FEET GEE            Yaah! SOUND          THUMP OF UMBRELLA ANDY           Ow!  Crazy bitch!  That's my kicking leg! SOUND          STICK SWINGS, MISSES, SMACKS WALL LYN            Andy! HAL            Dude! GEE            [gleeful] Stee-rike! BARB           Andy?! SOUND          CLICKY HEELS DASH ACROSS THE ROOM, IMPACT, SOMETHING WOOD CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR BARB AND ANDY   [mushy kissing] HAL            Can you guys move that ... um... touching reunion out of the doorway?  I'd rather not just stand around in the hallway myself... like this.  [sigh] TODD           [petulant] Can I see the camera, now? MUSIC   13.         punchbowl AMB            GYM, MUSIC, CROWD SOUND          PUNCHBOWL POURS PEABODY        What in heaven's name is all this, Angela? ANGELA         [snarky] Someone called the cops.  Again. PEABODY        If it's a question of the noise--? COP1           Sir, we had an emergency call-- PEABODY        [sigh]  Officer [reads] Trask?  You have to understand my position-- RENTACOP BOB    what's all this? PEABODY        sh-sh-sh. COP2           We received a report over 9-1-1 of a possible homicide in the school. PEABODY        A what? COP1           A possible double homicide. RENTACOP BOB    [huffy] Inside?  School's locked up tight.  Ain't nobody in there - live or dead. PEABODY        Calm down, Bob.  [to the cops]  May I make a suggestion, officers?  Prom night is a notorious time for practical jokes...and though I realize you MUST take any such report seriously-- COP2           We can't just-- PEABODY        Yes, yes.  I understand completely.  [confidential]  However, if we can prove to you that the building is secure, and there's no possible way anyone might have managed to get inside, will that be acceptable?  COP1           Well... COP2           As long as it's all locked up. PEABODY        You're more than welcome to return in the morning, when the school is open, to perform a thorough search.   14.         Hallway AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          LOCKER SLAMS SHUT GEE            You coming? LYN            I'll watch the door. GEE            Hold these, then. SOUND          LOADS HER DOWN WITH BOOKS, UMBRELLA LYN            Oof! SOUND          TURNS ON CAMERA TODD           Don't erase the picture of Laurel! GEE            Chill, dweebula.  I have them all on my hard drive. TODD           Oh! SOUND          DOOR OPENS, CLOSES SOUND          ANOTHER NEARBY DOOR OPENS SOUND          CLANKING OF METAL - ROLLING OF HAND TRUCK ANDY           Sweet.  SOUND          CLICKING OF STRIKER ANDY           Nuke 'em from orbit! TODD           You're not going to burn them all, are you?  Not ... Laurel? HAL            Laurel? TODD           She's... it's... the doll I carved.  She wouldn't hurt anyone. ANDY           Well now they're all living, breathing Chuckeys, and I say fry every last one of them. SOUND          STRIKES THE STRIKER MENACINGLY ANDY           [explosion noise] TODD           [Weakening] No! ANDY           No, that's "Nooooooo" [bruce willis running scream] [chuckles] HAL            Let's focus on getting out of here.  Gee? LYN            In... there. SOUND          WHEELING OF HAND TRUCK ANDY           I'll take the big truck.  You get the value menu. HAL            Whatever. SOUND          HAND TRUCK PARKS, FEET MOVE, DOOR OPENS A CRACK HAL            Gee? GEE            [muttering] This is just like that game I was in last week... HAL            What? GEE            Just thinking... Extreme case of short-timer's curse. LYN            What? GEE            Poor bastard was this close to retirement. MUSIC   15.         Outside AMB            OUTSIDE SOUND          FEET ON GRAVEL COP2           Are you sure this Mr. Carpel isn't in the building?  His name was given as one of the victims. PEABODY        Ervin Carpel?  Nonsense...he's already turned in his building keys.  We had to let him go, you see.  As of the end of the school year.  His safety record was ... unsatisfactory. COP1           So he might have a good reason to participate in a prank?  I see. MUSIC   16.         Hallway outside wood shop AMB            HALLWAY ANDY           So do we just wait for those tiny sons-of-birches to come to us? SOUND          DOOR OPENS, FEET COME OUT GEE            Now I need a place to do some reading. MUSIC   17.         Outside, parking lot AMB            OUTSIDE SOUND          POLICE CRUISER DRIVES AWAY RENTACOP BOB    I'll go take a look around.  No problem. PEABODY        [dismissively] Nonsense.  No reason to justify our merry degenerates by taking their ploy seriously. SOUND          THEY WALK MR. PEABODY     We can perform a complete walk-through before we open the school in the morning to make sure there are no ... surprises.   18.         Hallway AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          SNEAKING FOOTSTEPS, SQUEAK OF HAL's SNEAKERS HAL            [cautious, but trying to be heard]  Hello?  [louder, but still muffled]  Hellllooo? SOUND          FEET AND VOICE STOP, LISTEN SOUND          DISTANT TAPPING HAL            Oh, shit.  [sucks in a breath, up]  Hello? SOUND          ONE FOOTSTEP TODD           Which one is it? HAL            [completely stunned]  Yah!!!   [coming down]  Oh, shit!  Todd! TODD           Why are you in the polky costume? HAL            I have my reasons.  Get your ass back to the craft shop. TODD           I'll... uh... watch your back? HAL            [quiet] I don't trust you. TODD           Why not? HAL            Forget it.  Look, just stay the hell out of my way or I'll run your ass over. TODD           I can run. HAL            I'll bet. SOUND          SNEAKING FEET BEGIN MUSIC   19.         Craft shop AMB            CRAFT SHOP LYN            [pleased]  Oh!  There it goes!  I thought it would never warm up. GEE            I told you it would just take some time.  A kiln isn't a microwave. BARB           Oh, Andy, you're so strong and protective. GEE            [quiet gagging noise]  You guys!  Someone made that quilt, and they won't appreciate you getting it all sticky. LYN            Anything? GEE            Apart from nausea? LYN            The book? GEE            Well, I'm pretty sure this is the "spell" he used to animate the dolls.  I may even have a clue why they turned on Carpel... the spell says the master's supposed to carve the dolls himself.  LYN            Todd says... Todd?  Oh, hell, where'd he get to? ANDY           Dumbass wants to get himself killed, who are we to stop him? SOUND          IDLY CLICKING THE STRIKER GEE            Anyway, there's this other incantation thing which... [very dubious] if I'm reading this right... should make them freeze back up. LYN            [plaintive] You're not sure? GEE            I'm having to make a lot of guesses, here. The dictionary just don't cover everything. I mean, the incantation isn't even FRENCH... just... gibberish, far as I can tell. MUSIC   20.         Hallways TODD           I heard something over there! HAL            Stay the hell back! TODD           Do you have a plan? HAL            Well, it was to sneak up on them, but there's this person talking. TODD           Oh. SOUND          FOOTSTEPS SOUND          [DISTANT] SCRATCHING NOISES MONKEYHEAD     [distant] annoyed screech TODD           Do dolls make noise? HAL            I'm dressed as a giant purple polka-dot.  Do I look like an expert? TODD           Uhh... HAL            Shh! SOUND          SNEAKING STEPS MONKEYHEAD     screech, closer TODD           Soon as you see it, tell me-- SOUND          RUNNING FEET, GOING AWAY TODD           What it looks like... MUSIC   21.         punchbowl AMB            GYM ANGELA         Bob?  Can you do something? RENTACOP BOB    [swaggering]  I can do anything.  Whatcha need? ANGELA         Marge went into the building for something, and she's been gone for just ages.  [simpering]  Could you go and look for her?  As long as I'm stuck at the punch bowl, I can't even get in one itsy bitsy weensy dance. RENTACOP BOB    I gotcha covered, babe.  [clears his throat]  That was a quote.  Not meant in any sort of harassing way.  ANGELA         I understand.  SOUND          DOOR OPENS, HE GOES OUT AMB            RAIN, CRICKETS BOB            I'll check it out, but first...  [chuckles] MUSIC   22.         hallway SOUND          PELTING FOOTSTEPS TODD           [breathless] wait!  I need to know if it's Laurel! HAL            [panting, stays ahead] [yelling] Get ready!! SOUND          DOOR OPENS, AHEAD LYN            Come on! HAL            [gasping mutter] God I hope this works. [up] Out of the way! SOUND          BATTERS THROUGH DOOR LYN            Over here! SOUND          LID OPENS TODD           [still outside] No!  Check first! SOUND          DOOR SHUTS SOUND          POUNDING ON DOOR GEE            Do it quick!  We have to know if this will work! SOUND          RUSTLE OF HEAVY FABRIC, CLATTER OF WOOD MONKEYHEAD     [SCREECH] SOUND          POUNDING OF WOOD ON METAL TODD           [from outside]  Don't leave me out here by myself! GEE            [to him] Just a sec!  Come on! LYN            It's climbing out! HAL            [groan, slump] MUSIC   23.         Parking lot AMB            OUTSIDE SOUND          RUMMAGING IN STUFF RENTACOP BOB    [chuckles] Not on MY watch. SOUND          ZAPZAP OF TASER.  PUT IN CASE. RENTACOP BOB    Little shits deserve a scare. SOUND          REVOLVER CYLINDER SPINS, GUN INTO HOLSTER RENTACOP BOB    Let's see your little pranks now. SOUND          TRUNK SLAMS HUT SOUND          FEET SET OFF ACROSS GRAVEL MUSIC   24.         Craft shop LYN            Oh!  [noise as she smacks the doll]  Uh!  Uh! UH!!! MONKEYHEAD     [SCREECH, dwindling] SOUND          IT FALLS BACK, SHE SLAMS LID! LYN            [Breathing heavily]  Done. SOUND          DOOR OPENS, TODD RUNS IN, DOOR SHUTS TODD           Noooo! GEE            Did yours have a monkey's head? TODD           Huh?  [gasp of relief] No!  Ahhh. LYN            You could have helped. HAL            I - I don't.... LYN            Oh no!  He's bleeding! BARB           [screams] END OF PART 3  
3/30/202319 minutes, 51 seconds
Episode Artwork

PromEvil (part 2 of 4) (19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week)

PromEvil Part 2:  "Ins and Outs" Will Hal and Lyn ever run into each other? Will Todd find his true love? Will Barb ever shut up?.... A lot of people put their heart and soul into producing this memorable event: STUDENTS Hal - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Lyn - Molly Tollefson Todd - Eli Nilsson Gee - Melissa Bartell Barb - Beverly Poole Andy - Mike Campbell Bud - Jasper Loovis Tina - Chandra Wade Missy - Jade Thomson Jake - Michael Faigenblum other students - Sky Iolta, Shelbi MacIntyre, Henry Mark FACULTY Principal Peabody - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mr. Ervin Carpel, Woodshop - Gene Thorkildsen Ms. Angela Wellesly, Crafts - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Mrs. Snodgrass, Lunchroom - Robyn Keyes P.A. Announcements - Julie Hoverson Rent-a-cop Bob - The Caretaker OTHERS Cop 1 - Glen Hallstrom Cop 2 - Joel Harvey 911 Voice - Julie Hoverson STAFF Writer - Julie Hoverson Doll Wranglers - Julie Hoverson, Kimberly Poole (Warp'd Space) Sound and Mastering - Julie Hoverson Stock sound effects -; Music - Prom - Sinkhole Music - background - Kevin MacLeod ( __________________________________________________________________   Prom Evil PART 2 MUSIC   1. Wood shop SOUND          DISTINCTIVE WOOD SHOP CLOCK TICKS SOUND          SCRITCH OF METAL ON WOOD - KIND OF AIMLESS LAUREL         [questioning sound] LEDERHOSEN     [negative] DUDE           [huh-huh-huh] SOUND          WOOD THOCK MONKEY HEAD    [screech]   2. AMB - GYM SOUND          CANNED MUSIC PLAYS STUDENTS       CHATTER SOUND          HARSH NOISE OVER THE SPEAKERS PEABODY        [P.A.] All right, everybody.  Quiet down.  I know you don't want to listen to this old fuddy-duddy all night, [waits for laughter, which is scarce] [fading into background] but I have a few announcements that have to be made.  Emergency exits are at the front and back of the room, should there be any, emergency. LYN            You're sure Andy'll still be coming tonight? BARB           Oh, sure...maybe he'll even try to get me back, wouldn't that be a riot? LYN            Yeah.  [no] BARB           [to Tina] Hey Tina!  Where're you going?  The night's still young! TINA           Huh?  Barb?  [too fast] Nowhere. BARB           [nastily] Hot date? TINA           [gasp]  I-- I--  Oh! SOUND          DASHES AWAY BARB           [considering] Hmm. LYN            Why are you so harsh to your friends? BARB           Oh, please.  Any guy she can't bring to prom isn't worth dating.  LYN            Maybe she has to pick him up from work or something. BARB           [scorn] Work?  Tscha.  [up] Ooh!  Jake! LYN            Don't leave me! BARB           I'm your cousin, not your babysitter.  Andy'll be around somewhere. MR. PEABODY     [fading back in] Finally.  The only washrooms that are available are the ones in the locker rooms.  The school is locked, so no matter how long the lines are, you have to wait.      3. SOMEHOW SEGUE TO OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL.  PEABODY's VOICE STILL PLAYS, JUST MUFFLED SOUND          CRICKETS, DISTANT TRAFFIC MR. PEABODY     Anyone seen using any...ahem... atypical facilities, specifically the school's flower beds, will be taken into custody. SOUND          WALKING TODD           Ew.  Who would use the flowers.  [shudder]  [gasp as he almost walks into someone] DUDE           Freak!  The world's up here. CHICK          [giggle] TODD           [evasive] Sorry.  Sorry. SOUND          FEET QUICKLY SHUFFLE PAST CHICK          Who's that? DUDE           That's the [up] freak [down, fading out] who's all obsessed with his damn woodshop project. TODD           [muttering]  I'm not obsessed.  Obsessed is bad.  I'm passionate.  All great artists are passionate. SOUND          LAST FEW QUICK FOOTSTEPS, QUIET TRY AT DOOR - LOCKED SOUND          MUSIC STARTS IN THE GYM TODD           [chuckles]  Perfect. SOUND          JANGLE OF CHAIN, LOCKPICKS MUSIC   4. DANCE FLOOR AMB - GYM, MUSIC IS LOUD BUD            Dude.  HAL            [polky voice - goofy and muffled]  Hello! BUD            [disgusted] Oh, man.  Ditch the Spot and go talk to the brain.  She's been left unattended and needs to be towed away. SOUND          VELCRO OPENING HAL            [slightly muffled] I don't have anything else to wear.  I was gonna just-- BUD            God, you are the king of dork.  Find something in the drama closet.  They just did some pig-thing show. HAL            [exasperated sigh] Pygmalion. BUD            There must be something. HAL            [considering] Hmm. Maybe... MUSIC   5. PUNCH BOWL SOUND          LIQUID BEING SLOPPED INTO GLASS BOY1           [dubious] Thanks. SOUND          FEET APPROACH LYN            How's the punch, Mrs. Snodgrass? MRS. SNODGRASS  I've confiscated three flasks so far.  [pitbull] No one gets past me. LYN            Great.  Give me a double. SOUND          DIPPER POURS LYN            Cheers. ANDY           Hey. LYN            [gasps] SOUND          PUNCH SPILLS LYN            [frantic noise] ANDY           Damn.  Sorry.  You wanna dance?  LYN            [uncomfortable but pleased] Um, sure.  I mean...that'd be great. ANDY           Cool. MUSIC   6. WOOD SHOP AMB            WOOD SHOP CLOCK TICKS SOUND          SCRITCH OF METAL ON WOOD - KIND OF AIMLESS SOUND          MUFFLED SOUND OF METAL ON METAL LEDERHOSEN     [urgent noise] SOUND          METAL ON WOOD STOPS DUDE           [HUH?] SOUND          WOODEN THOCK SOUND          METAL ON METAL STOPS, DOORKNOB TURNS CAUTIOUSLY, DOOR CREAKS OPEN TODD           [whispered] Mr. Carpel?  [surprised] Candles? MUSIC   7. BACKSTAGE AMB            DRAMA LOCKER GYM MUSIC IS MUFFLED SLIGHTLY SOUND          HEAVY PADDED THING HURLED TO FLOOR HAL            [coughing, then sighs]  Yuch.  Sorry old Polky, but you need to die.  [makes gun noise, pauses, then empties the other five shots into it] SOUND          SCRATCHES HIS HEAD VIGOROUSLY GEE            Delousing? HAL            [gasp] SOUND          CLATTER GEE            [laughs delightedly, but clearly not "interested"]  You're so cute. HAL            Gee?  What are-- you--? GEE            Thought you could use a hand.  I did wardrobe for the last three shows and know where everything is. HAL            But how did you--? GEE            I'm a psycho - or do I mean psychic?  [holds a second, then laughs again] I heard you and Bud.  HAL            Ahh. MUSIC   8. DANCE FLOOR AMB - GYM SLOW MUSIC PLAYS ANDY           Ooh [interested noise]  Mm. LYN            [gasps]  oh. ANDY           Mm.  What? LYN            [nervous] Let's get some punch. ANDY           Don't you like dancing? LYN            I'm just suddenly really thirsty. ANDY           [resigned] Punch it is. MUSIC   9. OUTSIDE SOUND          OUTSIDE MUSIC IS MUFFLED CRICKETS SOUND          OMINOUS RUSTLING AND GROANING NOISES CAN BE HEARD IN THE NEARBY BUSHES, BUT THEY QUICKLY RESOLVE THEMSELVES INTO A COUPLE MAKING OUT. SOUND          RAIN BEGINS TINA           [oh no!] Aah! BUD            Ah, shit.  Come on. SOUND          RUNNING FEET TINA           We can't go in! BUD            Well... [indecisive]  Come on. TINA           The school's locked! BUD            [insinuating] But it's got a nice dark, deep doorway... TINA           [interested]  Ooh! SOUND          QUICK FOOTSTEPS BUD            Come here, then. TINA           Mmm. SOUND          DOOR FLIES OPEN BUD            Geek. SOUND          TODD DASHES PAST TODD           [frantic breathing] SOUND          DOOR SWINGS SHUT BUD            [speculative] Hmm. TINA           Are you thinking--? BUD            Aren't you? TINA           [teasing] Mr. Bud, are you trying to lure poor lil' ole me off to some dark place where you can take advantage of me? BUD            Well, I really just wanted your opinion of my civics project, but now that you mention it...  Sure.  I'll take advantage of you, baby.  Come on. SOUND          DOOR OPENS MUSIC   10.         PUNCHBOWL AMB            GYM SOUND          PUNCH POURS SNODGRASS      [snarls] just one at a time. KID            [frightened] Um, OK. SOUND          SCAMPERS AWAY SNODGRASS      Back again, Lyn? LYN            Just thirsty I guess-- SOUND          DOOR SLAMS OPEN, TODD RUNS IN, SLAMS DOOR TODD           [gasping] SNODGRASS      Hmph.  ANDY           Dork. LYN            He looks hurt. SNODGRASS      See if he has a ticket.  [disgusted] Or pupils. SOUND          LYN CAUTIOUSLY APPROACHES LYN            Todd?  That's your name, right?  Are you OK, Todd? TODD           [whines and whispers] Mr. Carpel.  Missy.  They're DEAD! SOUND          HE SINKS TO THE FLOOR MUSIC   11.         BACKSTAGE AMB            BACKSTAGE GEE            Hold on.  Now look. SOUND          HAL TURNS, SQUEAK OF TENNIS SHOES HAL            [surprised and cheered] Wow.  GEE            I figured you were about Higgins' size.  Oh wait-- SOUND          DRAWER OPENS, RUSTLE HAL            [admiring himself] Damn.  I clean up good. GEE            Everyone looks good in a tux - that's kind of the point.  Here. SOUND          STICKS FAKE FLOWER IN THE LAPEL, PATS IT DOWN HAL            Feels like a wedding. GEE            Plenty of time for that later.  Start with trying to speak to her - at least in her general direction. HAL            [gasps] MUSIC   12.         PUNCHBOWL AMB            GYM SOUND          SNAPPING FINGERS LYN            Hey?  Hey! TODD           [whimpers] LYN            Andy!  Help me get him into a chair! ANDY           [disgusted sigh] SOUND          CLUMSY MOVE INTO A CHAIR TODD           [mumbling, more of the same] ANDY           What the hell's he saying? LYN            Um... [listening, then repeating Todd's words, getting more creeped out as it goes along] Mr. Carpel... Wood Shop... dead... Missy... [worried] blood... ANDY           Blood?  What the f--? [realizing] Ohh! LYN            Shh.  [going on] They attacked me... they must have killed them... she wouldn't let them kill me... they're dead. TODD           [groans and passes out] SOUND          BODY FALL ANDY           [slyly] Well, we could go and take a look at the Wood Shop. LYN            Us?  Shouldn't we send Rent-a-cop Bob?  It IS what he's here for.  Besides, someone should stay and look after Todd. ANDY           [whispered explaining] It's a gag, see?  Bob'll skin anyone who gets him to shift his lardbutt for a prank.  LYN            It doesn't sound like-- ANDY           Babe, it's practically Polk High tradition for some bozo like Todd here to pull a big prank during prom. LYN            He sounds really scared. ANDY           [ignoring her] At least this sounds like a winner.  [with a naughty wink] Let's check it out. MUSIC   13.         SCHOOL HALLWAY AMB            EMPTY SCHOOL HALL SOUND          MAKING OUT BUD            Mm.  Me likee. TINA           You're sure no one can see us? BUD            Yeah.  There's no one in the ...entire ...building.  SOUND          ZIPPER UNZIPS SOUND          DISTANT TAP OF FEET APPROACHES TINA           [gasp] SOUND          SCRAMBLE OF CLOTHES TINA           I thought you said-- BUD            Come on.  I know just the place. MUSIC   14.         DOOR NEAR PUNCHBOWL AMB            GYM SOUND          DOOR OPENS ANDY           Coming? LYN            [sighs] I guess.  SOUND          SLOW STEPS BARB           [suddenly in their face] Leaving?  So soon? ANDY           There's a gag on in the school.  We're gonna take a look.  [heavy with challenge] Right, Lyn? LYN            Uh-- HAL            [off a bit, quiet] Damn. BARB           [furious] Fine.  If the building's open, I'll just go to my locker.  I could use some hairspray. SOUND          SHE FLINGS HERSELF OUT, TOO MUSIC   15.         SCHOOL HALLWAY AMB            SCHOOL HALL SOUND          WOODEN FOOTSTEPS DUDE           [huh-huh-huh-huh] LEDERHOSEN     [quieting growl] SOUND          LIGHTER THOCK DUDE           [ulp] MAJORETTE      [clicking noise] MUSIC   16.         DOORWAY NEAR PUNCHBOWL AMB            GYM, MUSIC SOUND          DOOR SHUTS HAL            [heavy sigh]  Missed it by that much.  Ow!  What was-- SOUND          UMBRELLA TAPPED ON FLOOR GEE            You think I carry this just for the SPF? HAL            But--? GEE            Go after her. HAL            Go after--?  But what do I say? GEE            Argh!  What do I look like, a fairy godmother?  Oh, god, I do....  Move your butt.  HAL            why are you doing this anyway? GEE            Lyn's my friend, and you're harmless.  Go! SOUND          SQUEAK OF HIS TENNIS SHOES HAL            [suddenly realizing] Harmless?  Huh?  [looking for her]  Gee? TODD           [muttering] They're dead, you know. HAL            What? TODD           In the wood shop. HAL            Oh shit. SOUND          DOOR SLAMS OPEN MUSIC   17.         SCHOOL HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          LOCKER SLAMS SHUT BARB           Jake won't know what hit him. SOUND          ZIPPER ON MAKEUP BAG CLOSES DECISIVELY SOUND          WALKING IN HEELS SOUND          OFF, RUSTLING AND GASPING NOISES BARB           Hmm? SOUND          HEELS START TO SNEAK SOUND          RUSTLING GETS CLOSER BARB           [squeal of disgust] Oh MY GOD!!!! MUSIC   18.         SCHOOL HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          TWO PAIRS OF FEET ANDY           [insinuating] A dimly-lit spooky hallway, a pair of good-looking, healthy American teens, what's that make YOU think of? LYN            Cheesy horror movies, what else?  You forgot to mention the possibility of two dead bodies in the Wood Shop. ANDY           It's a's gotta be. MUSIC   19.         SCHOOL HALLWAY BACK TO BARB VOICES are kind of distant BARB           [tail end of squeal] TINA           [gasp] UP CLOSE MAJORETTE      [quiet clicking] BUD            What the--? BARB           Oh... my... god.  Tina.  I cannot believe this!  You and... THAT. BUD            Screw you! TINA           [breaks down into tears and runs off] SOUND          RUNNING FEET, LADIES ROOM DOOR SLAPS SHUT BARB           Not if you had a gold plated... You know. SOUND          TURNS ON HER HEEL, WALKS OFF BUD            Tina? BARB           Ladies room, dumbass. SOUND          SHOVE, STUMBLING STEPS SOUND          DOOR FLAPS SHUT MUSIC   20.         HALLWAY OUTSIDE WOOD SHOP AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          SLOW FEET LYN            [whispered]  Is it unlocked? ANDY           Shh. SOUND          METAL CLANG - HE TAKES A FIRE EXTINGUISHER OFF THE WALL LYN            [whispered] It's not on fire! ANDY           [disgusted sigh] SOUND          QUICK SCRAMBLE OF STEPS, DOOR KICKED OPEN ANDY           Yaaah! MUSIC   21.         LADIES ROOM SOUND          LADIES ROOM DOOR FLAPS SHUT TINA           [off, Gasping and choking] BARB           Hah!  SOUND          HIGH HEELS.  BAG SET DOWN MAKEUP NOISES AS SHE TALKS TINA           [chokes and gasps under all] BARB           You should be ashamed.  That guy is such a nothing.  You can't possibly like someone like that.  Hopeless losers are not for the likes of us, Tina dear.  We're only supposed to date cute guys and guys with the potential to be rich  ...or famous.  TINA           [last gasp] LEDERHOSEN     [quiet noise] BARB           Are you just determined to sabotage your whole entire life? SOUND          SINK RUNS BARB           Tina?  You done yet? SOUND          SLOW FOOTSTEPS SOUND          PUSHING STALL DOORS OPEN, ONE BY ONE BARB           It's not that bad.  No one else needs to know. SOUND          DOOR OPEN BARB           But you're the designated driver for the next ...Hmm... SOUND          DOOR OPENS BARB           ...three parties? SOUND          FINAL STALL DOOR OPENS BARB           [full force scream of horror] MUSIC   22.         WOOD SHOP AMB            WOOD SHOP LYN            [slightly off] Well? ANDY           It's all dark.  Hold on. SOUND          GROPING FOR LIGHT SWITCH LYN            [closer] Here, let me. SOUND          LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS ON.  FLUORESCENTS FLICKER TO LIFE ANDY           Oh shit! [full force scream of horror] SOUND          FIRE EXTINGUISHER CLATTERS TO FLOOR SOUND          RUNNING, PUSHES LYN ANDY           Out of the way! LYN            Uh! SOUND          THUMP AGAINST DOOR FRAME SOUND          FEET RUN DOWN HALL LYN            [small freaking out noises] No.  No no no no. SOUND          SLOWLY BACKING AWAY SOUND          FIRE EXTINGUISHER KICKED AND ROLLS AWAY SOUND          LYN STUMBLES SOUND          CAUGHT HAL            Hey!  Gotcha. LYN            [freaks out for a second, then dissolves into tears] MUSIC   23.         HALLWAY OUTSIDE LADIES ROOM AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          LADIES ROOM FLAPS OPEN BARB           [screams past] SOUND          RUNNING FEET, THUMP BUD            Shit!  Oof! SOUND          BODY DROP TO FLOOR SOUND          BARB's FEET RECEDE BUD            [blows out a breath] Bitch. SOUND          SCRAMBLES TO HIS FEET BUD            [going off] Tina?  Tina? SOUND          DISTANT CLICKING NOISE MUSIC   24.         HALLWAY NEAR WOODSHOP AMB            NEAR WOODSHOP LYN            [still crying and gasping] HAL            It's all right.  It's OK.  Shh. LYN            [gasping out the words] He was right.  They ARE dead.  Oh, geez.  I can't.... [sobs]  I can't believe this! HAL            Who? LYN            Todd. HAL            Todd's dead? LYN            No!  Missy and Mr. Carpel. HAL            I'll take a look. LYN            No!  It's terrible! HAL            Stay here. MUSIC   25.         PUNCHBOWL AMB            GYM TODD           [drinking punch, he seems better, but is still muttering] They're DEAD.  They killed them, but she protected me.  I know she's not like the others.  She understands how ... how special she is.  She knows. SNODGRASS      You need to go home, kid. TODD           [disturbingly reasonable] They ARE dead, you know.  It was an easy A, he said.  An easy A. SNODGRASS      Look, you're scaring people.  Can't you just zip it? TODD           [reasonably] But... they're dead. SNODGRASS      Angie? ANGIE          Yeah, Marge? SNODGRASS      Take over for a while.  This boy needs something calming, and I think I've got what he needs ...apart from a padded room...if I can get Bob to unlock the school. TODD           The door IS unlocked. SNODGRASS      What?  Well, I'd better see about that, too. MUSIC   26.         WOOD SHOP AMB            WOOD SHOP SOUND          A COUPLE OF STEPS - HAL LYN            [off] Here. SOUND          MANUAL WINDING OF CAMERA BOX HAL            What?  Oh!  Good idea. SOUND          TAKES HER CAMERA, STARTS SNAPPING PICTURES HAL            Ew. LYN            [calling from off] How can you just... be in there? HAL            I watch a lot of CSI.  This just looks like ...special effects. LYN            [off] Are they...? HAL            Yeah.  I'm pretty damn sure.  Hmm. SOUND          SNAPPING MORE PICS LYN            What? HAL            It's... weird.   Just a sec. SOUND          PICKING UP BOOK, RUFFLES PAGES HAL            [musing] luh liver dess poops? LYN            What? SOUND          HE STICKS IT IN HIS POCKET HAL            [up] Almost done.  MUSIC   27.         SCHOOL KITCHENs AMB            KITCHEN SOUND          SNODGRASS HEAVY FEET STOMP IN - SHE IS DISTANT DUDE           [CLOSE - quiet huh-huh] SNODGRASS      [muttering] Nutty freaking kids these days.  None of this hot and cold running narcotics when I was a girl. SOUND          QUIET DOLL FOOTSTEPS CREEP CLOSER SOUND          DISTANT, SHE TURNS ON A LIGHT, OPENS A DRAWER SOUND          MORE DOLL FOOTSTEPS DUDE           [huh-huhs] SOUND          QUICK CLIMBING NOISES SOUND          DISTANT, BOTTLE OPENS, POURS SNODGRASS      Salut.  [drinks] SOUND          CLOSE, KNIFE SLIDES OUT OF KNIFE BLOCK DUDE           [loud huh-huhs] MUSIC   28.         HALLWAY OUTSIDE WOOD SHOP AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          SNEAKERS COME OUT OF WOOD SHOP LYN            Hmm? HAL            Um... Looks like old Mr. Carpel went all satanic and sort of... sacrificed... um... forget it. LYN            But who killed Mr. Carpel? HAL            I don't know, but this book looks all creepy and stuff.  Maybe he summoned a demon or something and it got him. LYN            You're joking. HAL            [tries to chuckle] Well, maybe just a little, but something got him, didn't it?  Come on.  We need to get ... help. LYN            We need to call the police.  Barb has a phone...when we get back to the dance... HAL            There's pay phones in the lounge. LYN            I want to get OUT of here.  Whoever - whatever - did that is still ... on the loose! SOUND          [their voices start to recede] HAL            Well...  I think that back there happened a few hours ago.  The blood looked mostly dried, and the candles were all burned down.  Whoever killed Mr. Carpel is probably long gone. MONKEY HEAD    [query] LAUREL         [negative response] MUSIC   29.         KITCHEN AMB - Kitchen SOUND          MRS. SNODGRASS STEPS OUT OF OFFICE.  LIGHT OFF.  LOCKS THE DOOR. DUDE           [huh-huh] SOUND          LITTLE FEET RUSH FORWARD SNODGRASS      Huh? SOUND          SQUISH OF KNIFE STAB SNODGRASS      [scream in agony] SOUND          BODY FALL SNODGRASS      GASPING IN PAIN DUDE           [huh-huh] MUSIC   30.         HALLWAY LEAVING WOOD SHOP AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          QUICK FEET APPROACH, PASS BY LYN            [panting a bit] I...  This sounds terrible ...I know I know you, but I can't remember your name. HAL            [panting a bit] Hal.  It's usually my face people forget. LYN            [panting a bit] I're always in that costume.  It's kind of... HAL            Dumb? LYN            No!  I think it's... um... cute. MUSIC   31.         AMB - KITCHEN SOUND          BLOOD DROPS SNODGRASS      What the hell is--? SOUND          SLOW WOODEN FOOTSTEPS CIRCLE HER DUDE           Huh-huh-hwa? SOUND          IMPACT - A PAN! SOUND          DOLL TUMBLES, KNIFE SKITTERS AWAY SNODGRASS      Hah!! SOUND          SHE CRAWLS PAINFULLY SOUND          DOLL CLATTERS BY SOUND          FABRIC FLAPS SOUND          DOLL CAUGHT IN APRON DUDE           Huh?  Huh? SNODGRASS      Hah! Hah!  You little bastard! SOUND          POURING OF ALCOHOL ON DOLL SNODGRASS      [weakly] How bout a little... SOUND          CREAK OF OVEN OPENING SOUND          FIGHT TO GET IT INTO OVEN SNODGRASS      [weakening] fire.... scare... crow... SOUND          AFTER FIGHT, OVEN DOOR SLAMS SHUT SNODGRASS      [sigh in relief, breathes heavily...] SOUND          BODY SLUMPS AGAINST OVEN MUSIC   32.         OUTSIDE MAIN SCHOOL DOOR SCHOOL         EXTERIOR DOOR OPENS SOUND          FOOTSTEPS COMING OUT LYN            So what's the book?  Something Satanic? HAL            I don't really know.  It's... foreign.  Maybe Latin?  Spooky books are always in Latin, aren't they? LYN            Hmm.  That's not Latin...I TOOK Latin.  I'm pretty sure that's French.  Gee would know. HAL            [muttered] Yeah. She kinda knows everything. MUSIC   33.         HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          CLICKING NOISE SOUND          FEET APPROACH BUD            [off] Tina? SOUND          CLICKING STOPS SUDDENLY SOUND          A MEWLING NOISE IS HEARD FROM WHERE THE CLICKING WAS. BUD            Tina?  You OK? SOUND          WALKS FASTER MUSIC   34.         BETWEEN BUILDINGS AMB            OUTSIDE SOUND          PACING HAL            [muttering to himself]  Yeah, what do I say now - hey, since we've shared a corpse or two, why not have some bubble tea?  [heavy sigh] SOUND          UMBRELLA POPPED UP HAL            [gasps] GEE            I said it's not just for decoration. HAL            Geez.  Just sneak up on-- GEE            You've got some weird book for me? HAL            Lyn's coming back, right? GEE            Don't worry. SOUND          SHE SNAGS THE BOOK, PAGES THROUGH HAL            She's--? GEE            [exasperated] Looking for that succubus she calls a cousin. [examines the book] Hmm... It say it's a book of dolls, or puppets...or something.  [dubious] That last word - hmmm.  I gotta dictionary in my locker. MUSIC   35.         HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          SLOW FOOTSTEPS BUD            Tina? SOUND          TRIES A DOOR - LOCKED SOUND          MEWLING SOUND          FEET SPEED UP, THEN STOP BUD            [slightly breathless] Tina?  Huh?  [over his shoulder] Hello?  Hmph. Who could have... SOUND          SLOW WALKING BUD            [slow realization, dragged out]  I got it.  [up] Nice prank, guys!  [muttered] So what happens, I touch the dolly and [looking up] something falls on me?  Hmm?  [muttered again] MUSIC   36.         HALLWAY AMB            ANOTHER HALLWAY GEE            It's really close, I can just run over and-- HAL            Whoever killed them might still be in the-- SOUND          DOOR OPENS, RAIN LYN            [breathing a little hard]  There you are! HAL            [eager]  Waiting for you. GEE            Now can we all go to my locker?  It's closer than the library. HAL            Did you find--? LYN            I couldn't find Barb anywhere, and [breaking a little] I couldn't convince anyone else... GEE            Let me guess, they all think it's a prank? HAL            Here, then-- SOUND          OPENS DOOR HAL            And some-- SOUND          JINGLES COINS IN HIS HAND LYN            Cute.  But you don't have to pay for 9-1-1. HAL            Oh. SOUND          JINGLE PUT AWAY MUSIC   37.         HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY BUD            Oh to hell with it.  SOUND          SOME QUICK FOOTSTEPS BUD            Oh, man!  That's the prank.  Someone broke into the wood shop and stole these little fuckers.  Bet they're all over the damn school by now. SOUND          MAJORETTE'S CLICKING NOISES BUD            Weird. Where's the parade, honey? SOUND          SCRAPE AS HE PICKS UP THE STATUE MAJORETTE      [clicking turns ugly, creak] SOUND          SQUISH, STAB BUD            [gurgle, tries to gasp for breath] MAJORETTE      [satisfied clicking] SOUND          BATON PULLED FREE SOUND          GUSH OF BLOOD, BODY DROP SOUND          MAJORETTE CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR MUSIC   38.         LOUNGE AMB            LOUNGE SOUND          PHONE HUNG UP LYN            [a little uncertain] Police are on their way. SOUND          SCREAMS AND BANGING NOISES FROM OUTSIDE IN THE HALL. HAL            Shit! LYN            [gasp] GEE            [whispered] Block the door!  [exasperated noise] Argh! END OF PART 2    
3/23/202322 minutes, 37 seconds
Episode Artwork

PromEvil (part 1 of 4) (19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week)

PromEvil takes you to that most horrifying of places - HIGH SCHOOL.  On prom night, naturally.  And something horrible is about to come out of the woodshop, and we don't mean Hal in his school mascot costume.... A lot of people put their heart and soul into producing this memorable event: STUDENTS Hal - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Lyn - Molly Tollefson Todd - Eli Nilsson Gee - Melissa Bartell Barb - Beverly Poole Andy - Mike Campbell Bud - Jasper Loovis Tina - Chandra Wade Missy - Jade Thomson Jake - Michael Faigenblum other students - Sky Iolta, Shelbi MacIntyre, Henry Mark FACULTY Principal Peabody - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mr. Ervin Carpel, Woodshop - Gene Thorkildsen Ms. Angela Wellesly, Crafts - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Mrs. Snodgrass, Lunchroom - Robyn Keyes P.A. Announcements - Julie Hoverson Rent-a-cop Bob - The Caretaker OTHERS Cop 1 - Glen Hallstrom Cop 2 - Joel Harvey 911 Voice - Julie Hoverson STAFF Writer - Julie Hoverson Doll Wranglers - Julie Hoverson, Kimberly Poole (Warp'd Space) Sound and Mastering - Julie Hoverson Stock sound effects -; Music - Prom - Sinkhole Music - background - Kevin MacLeod ( _______________________________________________________________________ Prom Evil - Part 1 MUSIC AMB            BUSY HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY P.A. VOICE     Don't forget! It's your last chance to pick up those prom tickets!  Show your Polk high Spirit!  Polky says - don't drink and drive! AMB            FADE IN ON WOOD SHOP SOUND          HEAVY DISTINCTIVE TICKING CLOCK IN THE WOOD SHOP CARPEL         [off] All right, um, kids.  Let's start finishing up-- BUD            You up for prom tonight? HAL            Gotta be there.  School spirit and all. BUD            Ew, Hal, you're not bringing ..."IT"? HAL            It's my job, Bud.  Polky lives. CARPEL         [off] Let's get everything put-- SOUND          BELL RINGS SOUND          CLATTER OF STUFF JUST BEING LEFT ON TABLES CARPEL         --Away. [sigh] SOUND          MASS EXODUS HAL            Bud!  Dude! [exasperated noise] SOUND          GATHERS UP TOOLS SOUND          KNOCK ON DOORFRAME TODD           Mr. Carpel? SOUND          SLAMMING BRIEFCASE SHUT CARPEL         [ow!]  Damn! [composing himself] This... it's my break, Todd. TODD           I just wanted to see... her. SOUND          TAP ON GLASS CABINET TODD           [almost silent] Hi! CARPEL         Todd! TODD           She--  They can come home soon, right?  CARPEL         After tonight, they can do...I mean, whatever you want with them.  ... Her.  It. SOUND          SCRABBLE OF FEET CARPEL         Go on now.  I'm not...done... grading.  Scoot scoot. TODD           Right.  [almost silent] Bye! SOUND          FEET CARPEL         [sigh of relief] HAL            [clears his throat] CARPEL         [startled] Ahh! HAL            Sorry.  I was just putting away... CARPEL         Of course, of course.  Go on now. HAL            Right.  They're really pretty great, you have to admit. CARPEL         What?  HAL            The carvings.  SOUND          LIGHT TAP ON GLASS HAL            I woulda gone for it, but I don't have the patience.  Or the carving skillz-- CARPEL         Right, right - just please-- HAL            Got it!  Evaporate. SOUND          FEET, DOOR SLAMS CARPEL         [sigh, of extreme relief] MUSIC AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          LOCKER CLOSES LYN            [sigh] OK, nothing happens.  Surprise! BARB           It's coming.  What?  You're all hot to go study?  It's party night, Lyn.  Loosen up. LYN            [sigh] A moment, then-- BARB           Jake!  You're SO late! LYN            Huh? Jake--? BARB           Mmm.  Come here! SOUND          LONG SMOOCHING LYN            But, Barb--!  Barb!  Barb? SOUND          SMOOCHING ENDS JAKE           [catching his breath] Hey.  So, What's the deal? BARB           This is my cousin, Lyn. LYN            [panicky] uh, yeah. JAKE           Hey, Lyn.  I-- BARB           [sudden rush] I was telling her all about you, and she's just [as if she's looking for something] ...dying meet  [angry sigh]  [shrill] Anyway.  She doesn't have a date for tonight, so I-- ANDY           [coming in] Whoa.  What the hell's up? BARB           Aha!  Jake?  You know Andy. JAKE           [chuckle] LYN            [this is ugly] Ohh! ANDY           What's up with this?  What-- BARB           I meant to tell you earlier, Andy, but you weren't picking up-- ANDY           I don't got my cell on me at practice-- BARB           [flippant] Andy... it's over-- ANDY           Over?  It's not over until-- JAKE           Oh yeah? BARB           So you'll have to find yourself a new "bunny".  Right Jake? ANDY           You bitch!  You said-- BARB           For prom. ANDY           But, Prom's TONIGHT! BARB           Sorry.  [she's not]  Not my problem.  Come on, stud muffins. JAKE           [chuckles] SOUND          THEY START TO WALK AWAY LYN            [rueful] Barb.  Jeez. BARB           [over her shoulder] Lyn's free tonight. LYN            [gasp!] ANDY           [to himself] Fine! [to Lyn, muttered] I got tickets, wanna go? LYN            I'm really sorry she-- ANDY           C'mon...don't make me waste 'em. LYN            [tsks]  Fine. ANDY           See you in the gym?  Gotta get back to the field. SOUND          HE TROTS OFF LYN            Right.  Bye. GEE            [coming on, whispering] Extra, extra - read all about it.  Dumped jock falls for head of debate team. LYN            I've already had my heart attack for the day, thanks, Gee. GEE            No hearts were injured in the filming of this-- LYN            I don't even have a dress. GEE            [mock serious]  Wanna shock everyone?  You could be my date.  [goofy kissy noise] LYN            [laughs] SOUND          BELL RINGS, THEY START DASHING LYN            Come on!  [hustling] Barb'll have a plan. GEE            [keeping up] Oh, yeah.  That'll be good. MUSIC SOUND          BELL RINGS SOUND          STUDENTS POUR OUT - END OF DAY SOUND          LOCKERS BEING OPENED STUDENTS       [conversations about the prom tonight] SOUND          DOOR CREAKS OPEN CARPEL         Oh, um... [hoarse] Miss, um, Francis! [clears his throat]  Miss Francis! MISSY          Yes?  Something I can do for you, Mr. Carpel? ["CAR-pull"] CARPEL         [irritable, automatic] That's Carpel. ["car-PELL"]  [clears his throat again]  I, um, I could use some advice...  Could you step in for a moment? MISSY          [unsuspecting] Um, sure.  What do you need? CARPEL         [lying] I have this niece, and it's her birthday, and I want a, um, well, a young woman's opinion of the present I bought for her.  It will just take a moment, um, if you can spare the time? MISSY          [indulgently] Oh, sure. MUSIC AMB            OUTSIDE, STUDENTS, TRAFFIC, ETC. STUDENTS       [lots of chatter about prom] BUD            Life's almost over...what do you plan to do once YOU graduate? HAL            Not a clue.  Dad says I've got-- [apes dad's voice] ..."no ambition, no drive."  I guess he's right.  I just don't have a burning desire to DO anything with my life... [LYN AND BARB PASS BY - FADING IN AND THEN OUT] BARB           --taffeta underskirt - but not too long, you know?  I was all like, how can I possibly dance in that?  LYN            I don't dance. BARB           Let me finish!  Sides, I want to show off the adorable prada pumps-- HAL            [heavy sigh] Except... BUD            [Following the look] Ex-cept?  Still got the hots for that brain? HAL            She's not a brain, just smart..."Brains" look down on the rest of us, and Lyn...she can be really nice.  Not like the barbies you date. BUD            Nothing wrong with dumb girls‑‑ HAL            Takes one to know one. MUSIC AMB            WOOD SHOP MISSY          Ooh!  Is this what the woodcarving class has been working on!  Wow!  Look at her teensy little hands! SOUND          TAP ON GLASS CARPEL         [getting more and more nervous] Ahem.  It's just over here, Missy. MISSY          Oh, right! SOUND          PAPER GIFT BAG FULL OF TISSUE SET ON DESK CARPEL         I hope this is something a... young lady would like. MISSY          Let's see. SOUND          BAG RUSTLES SOUND          SOMETHING PICKED UP ON WORKBENCH MISSY          What is it? SOUND          RUMMAGING IN TISSUE SOUND          HAMMER BROUGHT DOWN ON HER HEAD. MISSY          Oohhhhh! SOUND          BODY DROP SOUND          FEET RUN TO DOOR, LOCK IT CARPEL         [breathing heavily, panicky] MUSIC AMB            OUTSIDE BUD            Ask her. HAL            Nah.  Polky goes stag. BUD            Buy a clue, mascot never gets laid.  'sides, running around as a big purple - what the hell is Polky, anyway? HAL            Polky is the Polk high polka-dot. BUD            Ri-i-ight.  Well...let's just say it ain't gonna get you a job. HAL            Scoff all you want.  If I work real hard, someday I could be a giant cell phone at the mall. BUD            Hark!  The wolverine has left the lamb unguarded-- HAL            Barb's gone?  Where? BUD            She probably went to pee on some poor guy.  Mark her territory-- HAL            [speculative] Maybe I will.... [grunts as he gets up, then fading]  What's the worst that could happen? SOUND          CREAK OF BACKPACK MUSIC AMB            WOODSHOP CARPEL         [still wheezing] SOUND          ASTHMA INHALER CARPEL         [Deep breath, then an exaggerated one]  Clear the mind.  [half another breath, cuts off with]  Oh, crap!  Clear the desk! SOUND          EVERYTHING BEING SWEPT OFF THE DESK MISSY          [groan, hit by something] CARPEL         Oh no!  No, no! Come here, you!  [grunts as he gets a grip on her] MISSY          [groans again] CARPEL         And U-U-U-U-U-P! [grunts] SOUND          THUMPS [humorous bit, with him trying to get her onto the desk, finally] CARPEL         [breathing heavily] MISSY          [groans] CARPEL         [whispering, afraid to wake her]  no!  Nononono!  Stay down!  [a moment of breathing]  Good.  [a demented whisper of a chuckle] SOUND          ROPE BEING UNROLLED CARPEL         [to self] need about... hmm...  three yards for the feet, and-- SOUND          KNOCK AT THE DOOR CARPEL         [startled to death] Ahh! SOUND          EVERYTHING DROPS, ENDING WITH A GOOFY CLATTER TODD           [off] Mr. Carpel?  Um, are you there? SOUND          DOORKNOB RATTLES SOUND          ROPE MOVES AGAIN, BEGINS TO BE KNOTTED CARPEL         [barely able to breath] Go away, Todd.  I'm busy.  Come back tomorrow. MISSY          [groans] CARPEL         [frustrated noise!] TODD           [off] I just wanted check on my project. SOUND          KNOT TIED TIGHTLY CARPEL         You got an A.  Now go away! TODD           [off], all right. SOUND          SECOND KNOT CREAKS MISSY          [sharp moan] CARPEL         [muttered] Better not hit her again...  a gag!  Yes, um... oh, no that's filthy... um... [catches himself and starts to laugh hysterically]  MISSY          [moans] CARPEL         [worried noise] Ahh! SOUND          TISSUE PAPER GRABBED AND SHOVED INTO MOUTH CARPEL         That should do it.  Now. SOUND          BOOK CREAKS OPEN, PAGES FLIP CARPEL         Right. SOUND          FUMBLING WITH GLASSES CARPEL         [reading from a list] Five black candles check.  Oil.  Salt.  Knife, oh yes. SOUND          PULLS THE THINGS OUT AS HE NAMES THEM, SETS KNIFE DOWN, AND IT CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR. MUSIC AMB            OUTSIDE HAL            [to self] Um, hi Lyn!  No.  [mister slick] "Hey. Prom?  Yeah."  No.  Uh!  [grunt as he's shoved aside] BARB           [disparaging noise] Walk much?  [to Lyn] It's all arranged. LYN            How could you--? BARB           What?  So I helped you.  Have a cow. LYN            HELPED me?  You-- BARB           Selflessly gave you my ex‑.  Isn't there an award for that?  Oh, get that out of my face! GEE            What?  Oh, sorry, right, if you cross a witch with your shadow, she loses her power over you. SOUND          UMBRELLA COLLAPSES BARB           What-ever.  Lyn.  Walk. HAL            Oh, darnit.  SOUND          [OFF] UMBRELLA UP AGAIN HAL            Aah! GEE            Oh, jeez!  Sorry! HAL            No.. no worries. [defeated sigh] GEE            [tsks merrily] LYN            But BARB           Of course I do.  This is just for tonight. GEE            [catching up] Let me guess.  You fixed him up with Lyn so he wouldn't get snatched up by someone more like...hmm...You? prom. BARB           [snide] Coming from someone who carries a black umbrella and only dates on-line. GEE            It's a parasol, and I'll still have a complexion when I'm 40! BARB           Oh, yeah?  That white makeup will suck all your vitamin D! GEE            Lizard neck! LYN            Gee, leave off, OK? GEE            [exasperated sigh] BARB           [muttered] Little "Bite-Me Barbie". LYN            You leave off too. MUSIC AMB            WOOD SHOP SOUND          HEAVY CANDLE SET DOWN CARPEL         Five.  Lit counterclockwise, um... SOUND          CLOCK TICKS FOR A MINUTE CARPEL         Right. MISSY          [moans, then starts to wake, tries to scream around the tissue] CARPEL         [more whiny than scary]  I'll hit you again if I have to.  SOUND          TURNS A PAGE CARPEL         Circle of chicken blood.  SOUND          LID UNSCREWS ON PLASTIC BOTTLE, RATTLES AWAY MISSY          [SCREAMS AROUND THE PAPER] MUSIC AMB            OUTSIDE SOUND          HAL DROPS HIS PACK, THEN SITS HAL            Psyche 101. [grunts as he sits] BUD            What? HAL            Psyche 101...I could be a shrink, right? BUD            Yeah, right. HAL            Maybe I could specialize in abnormal could be my first case study. BUD            Or him. TODD           [muttering] I just wanted to see her, and give her this heart - it's just the right size-- SOUND          RATTLE OF TINY NECKLACE CHAIN BUD            The resident wood shop mad genius? BOB            [calling from off] Ooh, it's Todd...hey, did Barbie ever return your calls? FRED           [calling from off] Maybe he's taking Chatty Kathy to the dance tonight. BOB            [calling from off] A blow-up doll'd be a better choice, least then you'd have a chance of getting a little. TODD           [still muttered] Laurel's not a doll, she's a statue.  She's ART. GEE            Leave off, you scrotes. FRED           I vanda suckya blood! GEE            You wouldn't know what to DO with my blood.  MUSIC AMB            WOOD SHOP SOUND          LIQUID POURING onto floor CARPEL         [chanting] MISSY          [moaning] SOUND          ROPES CREAK AS SHE STRUGGLES MUSIC TODD           [muttering] Laurel is perfect.  I made her that way, and she understands me--[gasp] SOUND          THUD AS HE RUNS INTO BARB BARB           [uh!] Dweeb.  Get some glasses. [back to Lyn] I'll even get you a dress.  It won't be Vogue, but... SOUND          CELL PHONE BEING DIALED LYN            [weakening] But I don't want a dress.  I really ...Barb...I don't like this. BARB           No problem, really. LYN            But-- BARB           I'd loan you one of mine, but it wouldn't fit.  Like a basketball hoop catching tennis balls. LYN            [very uncomfortable noise]  Umm.  BARB           Jeez.  Missy's not picking up.  Wonder who she's doing? MUSIC AMB            WOOD SHOP SOUND          SCRAPE OF KNIFE BEING PICKED UP CARPEL         CHANTING SOUND          CELL PHONE MUSIC SOUND          KNIFE CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR CARPEL         What the--?  Oh, heavens! SOUND          RUMMAGING THROUGH HER PURSE, VARIOUS THINGS TOSSED ONTO FLOOR, SOMETHING SQUEAKS AS IT HITS SOUND          FINALLY FINDS PHONE, PUSHES BUTTONS, BUT NOTHING WILL STOPS IT, FINALLY THROWS IT AGAINST WALL AND STOMPS ON IT SOUND          PHONE DIES SOUND          ASTHMA INHALER MUSIC AMB            OUTSIDE LYN            All right!  I'll...I can borrow a dress from Jean...we wear the same size. BARB           Your little sister?  She's a baby, how could she have a decent dress? LYN            Who else is my mom gonna dress up?  Me? MUSIC WOOD SHOP CARPEL CHANTS AGAIN SOUND          BOOK CREAKS OPEN SOUND          KNIFE PICKED UP OFF FLOOR WITH SCRAPE MISSY          [struggling weakly] SOUND          SUDDENLY, LUNGES, PLUNGES KNIFE INTO MISSY WITH HORRIBLE SQUISHY NOISE.  GRINDS IT AROUND A BIT, MAKING SURE SHE'S DEAD MISSY          [death rattle] CARPEL         [breathing heavily]   SOUND          WIPES SWEAT OFF HIS FACE, THEN REACTS AS HE REALIZES HE JUST SMEARED BLOOD ALL OVER HIMSELF. CARPEL         gah!! SOUND          DASH TO SINK, RUNS WATER MUSIC AMB            OUTSIDE, BUT AWAY FROM PEOPLE TODD           [muttering to self] I spent so much time carving her.  I know the project called for raw wood, no paint, but now that they're graded and everything, there's nothing wrong with a little embellishment. SOUND          DELICATE NECKLACE CHAIN TODD           Gold will suit her dark grain.  Oh Laurel! MUSIC AMB            WOOD SHOP SOUND          TAPS TURNED OFF SOUND          DRIPPING CARPEL         Right.  The blood.  SOUND          METAL BOWL OUT OF BAG, CATCHES DRIPS CARPEL         Almost done now.  [ecstatic]  And then they'll see!  They'll all see! SOUND          DRIPPING SLOWS CARPEL         No, no, I need more....  I think I need more!  Oh!  Here. SOUND          CUTS A ROPE, ROLLS BODY ONTO ITS SIDE SOUND          GUSHY NOISES, MORE DRIPPING CARPEL         There we go!  That's about enough.  SOUND          DRIPPING CONTINUES, BODY FLOPS CARPEL         Enough!  SOUND          SHOVE BODY, IT ROLLS WITH A GUSHY NOISE CARPEL         Sorry about that, Missy, but it had to be done.  I wish you'd just stayed unconscious.  Wouldn't have been so awful for you. SOUND          SETS DOWN SLOSHY BOWL SOUND          OPENS GLASS DOOR OF CASE CARPEL         [chanting again] SOUND          PICKS UP BOWL SOUND          LIQUID BEING POURED MUSIC AMB            GYM [EVERYTHING ECHOES] SOUND          SOUND CHECK IN BACKGROUND SOUND          QUICK STRIDES ACROSS WOOD FLOOR HAL            --it's in the band locker.  You gotta let me in. PEABODY        [over his shoulder] The school is locked up for the night.  Besides, the old one's in the drama loft...use it. HAL            But it's a piece of crap!  The foam rubber's all gone to can't even breathe in the darn thing. PEABODY        You only have to wear it during the announcements.  Surely you weren't planning to parade around in the ludicrous mascot costume all night? HAL            [clearly disappointed] Guess not. PEABODY        Quickly, then... MUSIC CARPEL         [The chant ends.] SOUND          CREAKING OF WOOD [NOTE]         ESTABLISH THE DISTINCTIVE SOUND OF EACH OF THE DOLLS - LAUREL, ahhhh noises; LEDERHOSEN GUY, EVIL CHUCKLE; MONKEYHEAD, SCREECHES; SURFER DUDE, LONG DUH; AND THE MAJORETTE, RHYTHMIC CLICKING SOUNDS. CARPEL         It worked!  They live! MUSIC AMB            GYM SOUND          LIQUID POURING SOUND          FEET ON STEP LADDER ANGELA         Hand me the tape, Marge? SNODGRASS      Do I look like someone with three hands? ANGELA         [to herself] No, you look like a shaved bulldog in a safety orange muumuu. SOUND          POURING STOPS SNODGRASS      Huh? ANGELA         [covering] Just admiring your dress! SNODGRASS      [taking it seriously]   It ain't just anybody can wear this color.  You were looking for tape? MUSIC SOUND          TAPPING OF DOLL FEET AS THEY CLIMB DOWN CARPEL         You are mine!  My servants!  My revenge! SOUND          WOODEN FEET AS THEY HOP DOWN LEDERHOSEN GUY EVIL CHUCKLE SOUND          MOVED QUICKLY TOWARD CARPEL CARPEL         No!  No!  Not me!  You're supposed to obey me!  Stop! SOUND          PAGING THROUGH BOOK CARPEL         Obey me!  You're my minions! SOUND          THE DOLLS ATTACK.  TRIP CARPEL, PUMMEL HIM. CARPEL         What are you doing with that awl!  You could put an eye out-- [ahh!  Gurgle, whiny death noises] SOUND          FUTILE POUNDING OF TINY FISTS ON LOCKED DOOR END OF PART 1
3/16/202321 minutes, 18 seconds
Episode Artwork

The Temple, from a story by H.P. Lovecraft adapted by Julie Hoverson (19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week)

The crew of a U-Boat in the Great War find some danger runs very very deep CAST Cap. Karl Heinrich - Rick Lewis Lt. Keinze - J. Hoverson Crew:  Shawn Connor & Bryan Hendricksen Music by:  Kevin MacLeod ( Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Art - Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a U-boat of the Kaiserliche Marine - can't you tell?" ______________________________________________________________ THE TEMPLE Cast: Lieutenant Commander Karl HEINRICH, Graf von Altberg-Ehrenstein, Lieutenant-Commander in the Imperial German Navy, Prussian (mid 30s?) Lieutenant Jurgen KIENZE, second in command, "womanish Rhinelander" (30) Boatswain MULLER, elderly "superstitious Alsatian swine" SCHMIDT [mid 20s - goes mad] ZIMMER [mid 20s - leads delegation to get rid of idol] BOHIN [mid 20s - goes mad] RAABE [early 20s - engineer] SCHNEIDER [early 20s - engineer] OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a U-Boat of the Kaiserlich Marine, can't you tell?  (That's World War I, for all you younger folks...) [My apologies for any mischaracterization of Germans - it's all from Lovecraft's original text.  His complete lack of knowledge of U-Boats also - But I had to leave in the portholes to support the story.  Any mistakes in military etiquette of the time are probably mine, though.] MUSIC SCENE 1. AMBIANCE     U-BOAT ENGINE SEAMEN     [murmuring voices] SOUND     HATCH OPENS, CLANGING FOOTSTEPS KIENZE     Achtung!  Kapitanleutnant Heinrich on deck! SEAMEN     [instantly silent] HEINRICH     [commanding, slightly angry sounding]  Ser gut!  I have been reviewing the log regarding the sinking of the British freighter Victory, and I must say [getting ominous] that you are - most definitely - [spitting out the words] the single, absolute, most efficient U-boat crew in the Atlantic.  [laughs]  At ease, at ease. SEAMEN     [Excited chatter] KIENZE     I myself cannot wait to view the film we took. HEINRICH     Ya, ya.  [aside] The camera was off before we sank the lifeboats? KIENZE     As always, Kaleu. SOUND     HEARTY CLAP ON SHOULDER HEINRICH     Most excellent.  Come Kienze, I have a bottle of some fine Schnapps.  You must help me celebrate. MUSIC     in then under   SCENE 2. HEINRICH     [on a recording, tired sounding] On August 20, 1917, I, Karl Heinrich, Graf von Altberg-Ehrenstein, Lieutenant-Commander in the Imperial German Navy and in charge of the submarine U-29, deposit this bottle and record in the Atlantic Ocean at a point to me unknown but probably about North Latitude 20 degrees, West Longitude 35 degrees, where my ship lies disabled on the ocean floor. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 3. SFX     SUBMARINE SURFACES SOUND     HATCH OPENS AMBIANCE     CALM SEA, OCCASIONAL BIRDS SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON METAL HEINRICH     [grunt - stretching noise]  There is nothing like the first step out on deck after a victory, eh?. KIENZE     A "Victory"?  [chuckles]  Ya.  Very amusing. MULLER     [off]  Kaleu, sir!  Come! SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON METAL HEINRICH     What could be so--  Oh! MULLER     He must be from the Victory, sir! KIENZE     Alive? HEINRICH     Don't be foolish, Kienze, we were far too long submerged.  He would have had a better chance if he let go and braved the waves.  [shouting off]  Remove the corpse! [NOTE - red text will come back at the end in echoes] ZIMMER     Sir!  His hands are in a death grip!  HEINRICH     Fingers break more easily than railings. ZIMMER     [hesitantly] uh... Aye sir! SOUND     POUNDING NOISES HEINRICH     [sanctimonious] One more victim of the unjust war of aggression the English schweinhunds are waging upon the Reich. KIENZE     Truly, he is our victim.  Nothing more. HEINRICH     You do not see the whole picture - [amused] Just like a soft-headed Rhinelander.  If you were a solid Prussian like myself-- SEAMEN     [OFF - NOISE OF AN ALTERCATION] HEINRICH     Vas is los?  Go and see. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON METAL KIENZE     What is this?  What is this?  Achtung! SOUND     SCRAMBLE OF MEN GETTING TO THEIR FEET KIENZE     What is so very exciting? ZIMMER     Sir!  Schmidt took something from the pocket of the ... [gulp] d-dead one. KIENZE     Schmidt?  Would you show this to me? SCHMIDT     It is nothing, Leutnant.  KIENZE     I will judge that.  Give it me.  [beat]  Well, this is... certainly something.  I am confiscating it - now put that over the side. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON METAL HEINRICH     So? KIENZE     A bauble.  Ivory, I think - looks like a classical bust, ya? HEINRICH     Not a senator, though - this one is much too young and handsome. KIENZE     Possibly a kaiser?  HEINRICH     Or a god. KIENZE     [reluctantly] It is yours, if you want it.  It might be valuable-- HEINRICH     No, no. I have not the sentimental-- MULLER     [off, screams] SOUND     FOOTSTEPS RUNNING ON METAL HEINRICH     [puffing only slightly] What is it? SCHMIDT     [shivering with fear] Muller, sir - it is Muller! KIENZE     Muller's unconscious. HEINRICH     Wake him. SOUND     SLAPS MULLER     [wails] SOUND     ANOTHER SLAP MULLER     [gasps, is silent] HEINRICH     Get him up here.  [command] Stations! SOUND     RUNNING FEET CLANG AWAY KIENZE     Are you going to talk sense now? MULLER     [hollow]  His eyes!  His eyes! KIENZE      Whose eyes?  Speak sense! SOUND     SLAP HEINRICH     Enough!  Muller.  Tell me what is wrong. MULLER     Ya, mein kapitan!  [trying to calm down]  The body - the eyes were closed.  But when they rolled it over the side, they opened - and they were mocking us! HEINRICH     [casual] Superstitious rubbish.  Muller, you have seen corpses before now, and-- MULLER     Sir!  But that is not all!  He--  [sullen, inward] You will not believe me! KIENZE     You are under orders to speak. MULLER     I-- watched as the body hit the water.  I saw it sink beneath the waves, and-- HEINRICH     And--? MULLER     [almost a whisper] It drew its limbs in, and swam away. KIENZE     You filthy lying--! [grunt as about to slap him again] HEINRICH     Nein, Leutnant.  [calming]  Muller.  You know this cannot be true, don't you? MULLER     But I saw-- HEINRICH     Water is deceptive.  It is strange, ya, that the body simply sank - but that is probably due to its waterlogged condition after being held under on our railing for hours.  Beyond that--?  It is all a trick of the light. MULLER     Truly? HEINRICH     I will hear no more about it, ya? MÜLLER     But you should keep no part of him on the ship - it is bad luck.  The statue-- HEINRICH     Is nothing.  It is a trinket.  You go about your duties now, Boatswain. SOUND     RELUCTANT FOOTSTEPS AWAY HEINRICH     Pfaugh.  [muttered growl] Superstitious Alsatian swine!  Why am I surrounded by inferior-- KIENZE     Kaleu?  Do you wish that I throw the bust overb-- HEINRICH     Nonsense.  We do not give in to fear.  We are men of the twentieth century - and, more importantly, officers in the Kaiserliche Marine.  KIENZE     I could... tell them I threw it-- HEINRICH     Do not show weakness.  It makes you sound unreliable. MUSIC     in and under   SCENE 4. HEINRICH     [canned] The next day a very troublesome situation was created by the indisposition of some of the crew.  Evidently suffering from the nervous strain of our long voyage, they had had bad dreams.  When weather turned choppy, we descended to a depth where the sea was comparatively calm, despite a somewhat puzzling southward current which we could not identify from our oceanographic charts. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 5. SOUND     HATCH CLOSES SFX     SUBMARINE SUBMERGES SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON METAL RAABE     Under-Engineer Raabe, here to make a report, sir! HEINRICH     Where is Schneider?  RAABE     He is ... unwell, sir. HEINRICH     What is wrong? RAABE     He... did not sleep well, sir. HEINRICH     What? KIENZE     It is the same with many of the men, Kaleu.  They are feverish and say they have had bad dreams. HEINRICH     If they are shirking, I will-- RAABE     Sir, no!  Schmidt is burning up with fever, screaming all night in his berth.  HEINRICH     [sympathetic] Then you did not sleep well either, I expect? RAABE     Nein, Kaleu. HEINRICH     [very pleased] Yet you are here, like a good sailor.  Good man-- MULLER     [muttered off] It is the idol.  It is accursed. HEINRICH     What?  Muller? MULLER     [panicky] Nothing.  I said nothing sir. KIENZE     He said-- HEINRICH     [grim] I heard what he said.  Muller, I will have none of this wild peasant superstition on my ship! KIENZE     [amused undertone] You forget, mein noble Kapitan, I am a commoner as well. HEINRICH     [dismissively] Burgher stock.  [teasing slightly]  And they made you an officer - you must have some good qualities. MULLER     What does it matter?  We are all doomed! RAABE     [dismissive] Doomed?  Because some men are sick? HEINRICH     Sehr gut.  We must remain rational at times like these.  Retain our iron German will.  [sharp] Kienze? KIENZE     [snapping to] Ya mein kapitanleutnant? HEINRICH     Remove Boatswain Muller.  KIENZE     Ya, Kaleu.  MUSIC     in and under   SCENE 6. HEINRICH     [canned]  The moans of the sick men were decidedly annoying; but since they did not appear to demoralize the rest of the crew, we did not resort to ... extreme measures. It was our plan to remain where we were and intercept the liner Dacia, mentioned in information from agents in New York. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 7. SOUND      INSIDE THE BOAT.  MANY FEET RUNNING ACROSS METAL, FEET STOP ABRUPTLY CROWD     [muttering, backs up Zimmer throughout the scene.] HEINRICH     Und vas is los? ZIMMER     [clears throat]  Kapitanleutnant, we must request - most strenuously - that you-- HEINRICH     Is this about that knickknack?  What sort of Gypsies are you, to believe such phantasms?  ZIMMER     But what could it hurt, sir?  It is surely not so valuable that it is worth risking-- HEINRICH     What?  Risking what?  The only thing we are risking here is our mission. BOHIN     We will all die! ZIMMER     Shh.  [trying to sound reasonable] Morale, mein kapitan.  It is such a small thing, yet would mean so much to the men. HEINRICH     [low, despising] I see no men here. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 8. HEINRICH     [canned] Everyone seemed inclined to be silent now, as though holding a secret fear. Many were ill, but none made a disturbance. Lieutenant Kienze chafed under the strain, and was annoyed by the merest trifle - such as the schools of dolphins which passed the U-29 in increasing numbers, and the growing intensity of that southward current which was not on our chart. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 9. SOUND     HATCH CLANGS SHUT AMBIANCE     UP TOPSIDE SCHMIDT     That makes seven of us.  We can surely-- ZIMMER     Muller is still in irons.  He can be no help. BOHIN     Muller saw them! ZIMMER     Shh.  None of the crazy talk, Bohin.  We cannot let ourselves-- BOHIN     [too intense to be sane] I have not seen them, but they call to me!  Their voices are like the waves - but waves that make words! SCHMIDT     [sigh] So there are six of us. SOUND     HATCH OPENS, A COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS RAABE     What is going on here? SCHMIDT     [snort] We are planning a party.  What does it look like? RAABE     What is happening that makes everyone so-- BOHIN     There!  In the WATER!  They have come! RAABE     --Crazy? SOUND     RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, A STRUGGLE, A BODY SLAMMED AGAINST METAL. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 10. HEINRICH     [canned]  He was in a detestably childish state, and babbled of some illusion of dead bodies drifting past the portholes; bodies which he recognized, in spite of bloating, as having seen dying during some of our victorious German exploits. And he said that the young man we had found and tossed overboard was their leader. This was very gruesome and abnormal. MUSIC     HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 11. RAABE     Seaman Bohin tried to leap off the deck.  We had to hold him down until the madness left him, sir. KIENZE     All for such a small thing. SOUND     SMALL IVORY STATUE SET ON TABLE RAABE     That is what this is all about? KIENZE     Just that. SOUND      FOOTSTEPS, STATUE IS SNATCHED UP AND PUT AWAY IN A POCKET ZIMMER     Sir!  Leutnant Kienze?  Bohin is gone!  He is nowhere on the ship.  MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 12. HEINRICH     [canned]  It at length became apparent that we had missed the Dacia altogether. Such failures are not uncommon, and we were more pleased than disappointed, since our return to Wilhelmshaven was now in order. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 13. SOUND     MEASURED FOOTSTEPS AMB     INSIDE SEAMEN     [Muffled, CHEERS!!!] HEINRICH     [sigh]  This soft-headedness is not good.  Morale is the result of willpower, not coddling. KIENZE     Still, I too will be glad when this trip is over.  That southern current we have blundered into bothers me. HEINRICH     It explains how we missed our target.  Not every inch of the ocean is charted properly.  KIENZE     But it is so strong - to be overlooked. RAABE     [clears his throat]  Sir? HEINRICH     Schneider still not feeling well? RAABE     He prefers to remain in the engine room, sir.  He does not like ... being near portholes. KIENZE     Portholes? RAABE     His dreams haunt him.  [hurriedly] But he is not impaired in his job. HEINRICH     [teasing] Well, certainly you did not come all this way to tell us Senior Engineer Schneider does not like portholes.  Out with it! RAABE     Something fantastic has happened.  The boat - it is surrounded by -- dolphins. HEINRICH     Dolphins?  How many? SOUND     KIENZE'S FOOTSTEPS GO AWAY KIENZE     [off] Ya, come and look!  They are everywhere! HEINRICH     Finally something the superstitious can interpret as a good sign, ya? KIENZE     [jubilant] Just as we decide to return to Schlicktown!  This should truly mollify them. HEINRICH     [dry] How fortunate. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 14. HEINRICH     [canned] At noon June 28 we turned northeastward, and despite some rather comical entanglements with the unusual masses of dolphins, were soon under way. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 15. SOUND     SNORING [HEINRICH] SFX     EXPLOSION HEINRICH     [wakes up] What?  What? SOUND     MANY RUNNING FEET, SOME BARE, ONE PAIR OF BOOTS STOMPS THROUGH CALMLY HEINRICH     Report.  Someone report! SCHMIDT     This is your fault, you swine!  You made us‑‑ SOUND     SLAP, BODY HITS METAL WALL HEINRICH     SHUT UP.  Is there anyone who can talk sense? KIENZE     [breathless, and coughing]  They have the fire out.  The explosion was in the engine room.  HEINRICH     What caused it? KIENZE     They have found no cause as yet.  The damage is extensive.  All systems have not yet been tested, but it is certain we have no steering. HEINRICH     No--?  What about the air compressors? KIENZE     They appear undamaged.  But, mein freund-- HEINRICH     Ya?  What is it? KIENZE     Schneider and - and Raabe - they were killed instantly. HEINRICH     [long indrawn breath, then cold as he can be]  That is most unfortunate. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 16. HEINRICH     [canned] Our situation had suddenly become grave indeed; for though the chemical air regenerators were intact, and we could use the devices for raising and submerging the ship and opening the hatches as long as compressed air and storage batteries might hold out, we were powerless to propel or guide the submarine. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 17. SOUND     SNORING [KIENZE] SOUND     CURTAIN OPENS VERY STEALTHILY, HUSHED FOOTSTEPS, RUSTLING KIENZE     [snoring stops] SCHMIDT     [gasp] SOUND     SCUFFLE SOUND      COCK OF GUN KIENZE     What is it you think you are doing? SCHMIDT     [nutso] He demands it!  He will not let me sleep until it is returned to him! HEINRICH     [off] Was iss? KIENZE      A mutiny, kaleu. MUSIC     VERY BRIEF HEINRICH     [muttered] Can we do without Schmidt, short as we are of hands? KIENZE     Hah!  With no engines to maintain, I must always find make-work for the men.  They will go mad [bad choice of words] -- they are restless if left sitting on their hands. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 18. HEINRICH     [canned] German lives are precious, but the constant raving of Schmidt concerning a terrible curse was most subversive of discipline, so drastic steps were taken. The crew accepted the event in a sullen fashion. MUSIC      FADED OUT   SCENE 19. AMBIANCE     INSIDE SOUND     HATCH OPENS ZIMMER     [jubilant, yelling down from above] A ship!  We are delivered! HEINRICH     [composed]  Excellent.  You see, Kienze?  It is never so dark that there is no light.  Come along. SOUND      STEPS CLIMBING LADDER, THEN OUT ON DECK KIENZE     Give me the glasses. ZIMMER      But it is a ship, leutnant, isn't that enough? KIENZE     [suspicious]  Glasses, now! SOUND     A BEAT, THEN HEAVY ITEM PUT IN GLOVED HAND. HEINRICH     Vas ist? KIENZE     [disappointed and disgusted] Yankees.  ZIMMER     But surely surrender is better than death-- HEINRICH     [cold] Zimmer? ZIMMER     [braced for the worst]  Ya, kapitanleutnant? HEINRICH     [colder] Prepare for a dive. SOUND     GOING DOWN LADDER. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 20. HEINRICH     [canned] We did not descend far.  After several hours, we decided to return to the surface, however, the ship failed to respond to our direction in spite of all that the mechanics could do. Some of the men began to mutter again, but the sight of an automatic pistol calmed them. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 21. KIENZE     Kaleu, the men are very restless.  They fear the worst, being trapped and drifting.  They blame us for making a bad decision. HEINRICH     [offhand] It was the only decision to make.  None but a weakling would surrender to the Yankees.  KIENZE     Any man may turn weak in such conditions-- HEINRICH     [self-satisfied] No Prussian.  And if I must be the backbone so my crew can stand straight as men, so be it.  KIENZE     The men are restless.  Angry. HEINRICH     [dangerous] If they will not stand, then I will put them down and stamp their bodies into pulp fit only to paint the walls. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 22. HEINRICH     [canned] It was about 5 A.M., that the general mutiny broke loose. The six remaining pigs of seamen, suspecting that we were lost, suddenly burst into a mad fury, roared like the animals they were, and broke instruments and furniture indiscriminately. Leutnant Kienze seemed paralyzed and inefficient, as one might expect of a soft, womanish Rhinelander. MUSIC     HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 23. SOUND     FADING IN, SIX GUNSHOTS, ECHO FADES AWAY HEINRICH      [breathing hard] KIENZE     [gasping, almost hysterical] HEINRICH     [deep breath] Get up. KIENZE     [gasps] Did you--?  Was that ... necessary? HEINRICH     [scornful laugh] You saw them.  Now, stand.  We need to clean house. KIENZE     What do you plan to do? HEINRICH     What else?  Put them out.  We can’t keep them here to stink up the place. SOUND      SCUFFLING, THEN SHUFFLING FEET KIENZE     We can use the top hatch-- HEINRICH     Ya, ya.  [going off] Make sure they are all dead, will you?  KIENZE     [calling] Where are--?  This will be easier with two. HEINRICH     [turning back, briefly] So would killing them, but I had to handle that.  This is your part.  [leaving again] Let me know when you need help getting them up into the hatch. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 24. HEINRICH     [canned] Our compasses, depth gauges, and other delicate instruments were ruined by the rampage of those swine; henceforth our only reckoning would be guesswork, based on our watches, the calendar, and our apparent rate of drift. MUSIC     FADED OUT   SCENE 25. SOUND     FEET COMING IN [KEINZE] HEINRICH     Look at this. KIENZE     [coming in]  Ya?  Oh, ya, more dolphins.  Very exciting. HEINRICH     No, no - this one here.  See the one with the scar? KIENZE     Ya. HEINRICH     How deep are we, did we determine? KIENZE     Too deep for dolphins, certainly, but-- HEINRICH     I have been watching this one in the searchlight for two hours now - and he has not left our side.  Delphinus delphis is a cetacean mammal, unable to subsist without air. KIENZE     Perhaps they are magic dolphins.  [trying to chuckle] I'm not interested in them until we run out of other rations. HEINRICH     It is a very important discovery.  Perhaps a new sub-species. KIENZE     [sigh] I'm sure the dolphins will be fascinated when you present your paper to them. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 26. HEINRICH     [canned] With the passage of time Kienze and I decided that we were still drifting south, meanwhile sinking deeper and deeper. I could not help observing, however, the inferior scientific knowledge of my companion. His mind was not Prussian, but given to imaginings with no value. MUSIC     HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 27. SOUND     SEARCHLIGHT COMES ON KIENZE     Fabulous, isn’t it? HEINRICH     Sunken ships? Interesting, yes, but fabulous?  What else are you likely to find on the ocean floor?  KIENZE     No, no - look there.  To the right.  You see?  That peak.  It is -- HEINRICH     A rock. KIENZE     No!  It is too regular for a rock.  You will see when we get closer. HEINRICH     Wake me when you can see it, then.  I think I will have some sleep. KIENZE     You don't care? HEINRICH     Ya, ya.  Do you need me to remain? SOUND     SITS IN CHAIR KIENZE     [beat] We have lost our escort. SOUND      LEAFING THROUGH A BOOK HEINRICH     Vas? KIENZE     Your beloved dolphins.  They have finally abandoned us. HEINRICH     I am more surprised they remained with us so long. KIENZE     [beat] What are we to do? HEINRICH     Do?  About the dolphins?  I am sure they can take care of themselves. KIENZE     You know what I mean!  What are we to do when we run out of...  of... everything HEINRICH     That is days, perhaps weeks away.  Why waste angst? KIENZE     But - there is no hope.  We will ... we must die. HEINRICH     Everyone must die. KEINZE     We could try and get to the surface - one of us - in the diving suit.  HEINRICH     And how deep did we decide we were? KEINZE     [beat, sigh] very deep. HEINRICH     If you want to take the suit, and try to get it to the surface, you are welcome.  But you know what will happen. KEINZE     It is possible to survive caissons disease. ["the bends"]  Even drastic decompression-- HEINRICH     As a cripple?  With joints that never work without pain?  With skin so damaged no one can look you in the face?  Perhaps paralyzed, even?  Incontinent? KEINZE     [sigh] HEINRICH     Better to die as a man than live as a beast.  Of course you might be lucky and have an embolism on the way up, and then ride the waves as a corpse.  MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 28. HEINRICH     [canned] His mind was tired, but I am always a German, and was quick to notice that the U-29 was standing the deep-sea pressure splendidly. Our southward speed, as gauged by the ocean floor, was about as I had estimated from the organisms passed at higher levels. MUSIC     FADE AND OUT   SCENE 29. SOUND     BOTTLE POURS KIENZE     [slightly drunk]  Ya, plenty of air and food, but this [long gulping swig] won't last forever. HEINRICH     Not at the rate you are abusing it. KIENZE     I cannot lose myself in study as you do.  What is the point?  So you know so much more before you die.  HEINRICH     It is not impossible we will encounter another u-boat. KIENZE     Wake up Karl!  This boat - it is our tomb.  We are dead men.  All we have left to do is lie down. HEINRICH     Go to bed, Leutnant.  There is no point in talking when you are totalblau. KIENZE     [laughs bitterly]  You are going to give me orders yet?  What if I disobey?  You clap me in irons?  You will shoot me? HEINRICH     [close and dangerous]  I will remind you that you are a man, a trained soldier, and an officer of the kaiser's navy, and as such you should have the will to face death.  KIENZE     I am a soldier, ya.  I can face death in battle.  It is this lingering, drifting fate that horrifies me.  It is like having a fatal disease - you know you must die, but you cannot know when. HEINRICH     Very well, then. SOUND     GUN OUT OF HOLSTER, CLICK AS BULLETS ARE CHECKED, GUN DROPPED ON TABLE HEINRICH     More air for me. SOUND     RATTLE OF CURTAIN, FOOTSTEPS LEAVE, RATTLE OF GUN ON TABLE MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 30. HEINRICH     [canned] The fact of our coming death affected Kienze curiously.  I was very sorry for him, for I dislike to see a German suffer; but he was not a good man to die with. For myself I was proud, knowing how the Fatherland would revere my memory. MUSIC     FADES OUT   SCENE 31. SOUND     SNORING [KIENZE] KIENZE     [waking with a horrified start, screaming] He is calling! He is calling! I hear him! SOUND     FOOTSTEPS, DOOR HEINRICH     [coming on]  What is wrong? KIENZE     We must go!  He will not call forever! SOUND     SLAP KIENZE     [gasps, breathing hard, almost sobbing] HEINRICH     [commanding] Calm down. Remember yourself, man. KIENZE     V-v-vas?  Kaleu? HEINRICH     There you are.  [disdainful] You were having a nightmare.  Now you are better.  SOUND     FOOTSTEPS BEGIN TO WALK AWAY KIENZE     No. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS STOP HEINRICH     [sigh] Vas? KIENZE     It was not a dream.  It was a voice.  I still hear it, you see!  I still hear him.  He calls to me - to us.  I don't know why you cannot hear him! HEINRICH     You are still drunk.  Or deluded. KIENZE     I am not.  Truly.  If you do not believe me, look out the porthole, and you will see his face.  It is right in front of us.  HEINRICH     What?  Show me.  Ah - blackness.  Precisely what is between your ears. KIENZE     The searchlight - kommen-zie! SOUND     FOOTSTEPS, SEARCHLIGHT COMES ON KIENZE     There!  There! HEINRICH     Mein gott! MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 32. HEINRICH     [canned] I am not given to emotion of any kind, but my amazement was very great when I saw what lay revealed in that electrical glow. And yet as one reared in the best Kultur of Prussia, I should not have been amazed, for geology and tradition alike tell us of great transpositions in oceanic and continental areas. What I saw was an extended and elaborate array of ruined edifices; all in various stages of preservation. MUSIC     OUT   SCENE 33. HEINRICH     [pleased] Atlantis!  And we, Germans, have discovered it!  This is stupendous. KIENZE     He is out there.  His temple lies still before us, and he watches us from afar. HEINRICH     You saw this in your dreams? KIENZE     [disturbingly reasonable] He told me.  We should go. HEINRICH     Go?  Where? KIENZE     To him.  Come now - do not wait until later; it is better to repent and be forgiven than to defy and be condemned. HEINRICH     You think we should go outside?  We have only one diving apparatus. KIENZE     [laughs disturbingly]  A suit?  We need no suits - he will gather us to him.  HEINRICH     You have finally crossed into madness.  I will find you some medication. KIENZE     You cannot cure this with your science, Karl.  You are so sensible, and what does it get you?  Nothing.  Nothing!  Come now, or there will be nothing left for you! HEINRICH     You are mad.  KIENZE     [losing it] If I am mad, it is a blessing. May the gods pity the man who in his callousness can remain sane to the hideous end! Come and be mad whilst he still calls with mercy!   MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 34. HEINRICH     [canned] As he spoke he took his ivory image from the table, pocketed it, and seized my arm in an effort to drag me up the companionway to the deck.  When that did not work, he fled.  In a moment I heard the grind of the first hatch, and understood that he meant to open them both, exposing the U-29 to the water outside, a vagary of suicidal and homicidal mania for which I was scarcely prepared. MUSIC     OUT   SCENE 35. SOUND     THE HATCH WHEEL SPINS SOUND      GUN COCKS HEINRICH     One more move and I shoot. KIENZE     [laughs hysterically]  Shoot?  I have nothing to fear.  He will welcome me. HEINRICH     Did I say I would kill you?  I will shoot you in the leg, and clap you in irons. KIENZE     You ... would do that!? HEINRICH     Ya.  [jaunty]  But, I am not one to hold a man back.  If you wish to go, go.  I will even run the hatches for you. KIENZE     You... why? HEINRICH     Further, I will watch and make sure he finds you, once you are adrift. KIENZE     [plaintive] But you will not come with me? HEINRICH     Nein.  I have things yet to accomplish. KIENZE     Very well.  But he will not be pleased with you if you ignore his summons. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 36. HEINRICH     [canned] After I saw that Kienze was no longer in the boat I threw the searchlight around the water.  I wished to ascertain whether the water-pressure would flatten him as it theoretically should, or whether the body would be unaffected, like those extraordinary dolphins. I did not, however, succeed in finding my late companion, for, owing to the abruptness of the change of angle, a wire was disconnected, which necessitated a delay of many minutes for repairs. MUSIC     OUT   SCENE 37. SOUND     SEARCHLIGHT OUT [NOTE: "HIS ECHO" REFERS TO HEINRICH'S OWN WORDS FROM EARLIER IN THE SHOW - COMING BACK TO HAUNT HIM.  THEY WILL BE PUT IN IN POST, AND HEINRICH SHOULD NOT REALLY PAY ANY ATTENTION TO THEM AS HE SPEAKS, AS THEY AREN'T ACTUALLY CONVERSING.] HEINRICH     [slow sigh] HIS ECHO     [very quiet] He would have had a better chance if he let go and braved the waves.  HEINRICH     Alone.  To survive until I die.  [deep breath] Very well.  SOUND      FOOTSTEPS HIS ECHO     [very quiet]  One more victim of the unjust war of aggression... SOUND      PULL OUT BOOK, OPEN AND PAGE THROUGH.   SCENE 38. MUSIC IN HEINRICH     [canned] I must be careful how I record my awakening today, for I am unstrung, and much hallucination is necessarily mixed with fact. Psychologically my case is most interesting, and I regret that it cannot be observed scientifically by a competent German authority. HIS ECHO     If you were a solid Prussian like myself-- HEINRICH     Upon opening my eyes my first sensation was an overmastering desire to visit the rock temple that stood before the now-stationary U29. HIS ECHO     No, no. I have not the sentimental-- HEINRICH     a desire which grew every instant, yet which I automatically sought to resist. MUSIC OUT   SCENE 39. SOUND     VAGUE CHANTING, DEEP UNDER. HEINRICH     [Waking suddenly]  Heh?  What is this? SOUND     SCRABBLE OUT OF BED, CROSS ROOM HEINRICH     Light?  Where is this coming from?  [wild hope] Could it be? SOUND     RUN THROUGH SHIP HEINRICH     Where?  Another ship?  [muttered] Port side, port side.  Aha! [sound of triumph turns into sound of dismay]  HIS ECHO     Superstitious rubbish.  HEINRICH     It is alight! MUSIC UP   SCENE 40. HEINRICH     It is well that the reader accept nothing which follows as objective truth, for the events are necessarily the subjective and unreal creations of my overtaxed mind. HIS ECHO     It is all a trick of the light. HEINRICH     When I attained the conning tower I found the sea in general far less luminous than I had expected. But the door and windows of the undersea temple hewn from the rocky hill were vividly aglow with a flickering radiance, as from a mighty altar-flame far within. HIS ECHO     I will have none of this wild peasant superstition on my ship! HEINRICH     The light showed that the friezes which covered the front of the temple, clearly carved from the solid rock of the cliffside, depicted many repetitions of but one face - the same face as the ivory bust which Kienze had carried back to the sea with him. HIS ECHO     --this one is much too young and handsome. HEINRICH     The rest is very simple. HIS ECHO     --a god. HEINRICH     My impulse to visit and enter the temple has now become an inexplicable and imperious command which ultimately cannot be denied. HIS ECHO     This soft-headedness is not good.  HEINRICH     My own German will no longer controls my acts, and volition is henceforward possible only in minor matters. HIS ECHO     Do not show weakness.  It makes you sound unreliable. HEINRICH     When first I saw that I must go, HIS ECHO     That is most unfortunate. HEINRICH     I prepared my diving suit, helmet, and air regenerator for instant donning, HIS ECHO     --have an embolism on the way up, and ride the waves as a corpse.  HEINRICH     and immediately commenced to write this hurried chronicle in the hope that it may some day reach the world. HIS ECHO     This is your part.  HEINRICH     I shall seal the manuscript in a bottle and entrust it to the sea as I leave the U-29 forever. HIS ECHO     Better to die as a man than live as a beast. HEINRICH     I have no fear, not even from the prophecies of the madman Kienze. HIS ECHO     None but a weakling would surrender HEINRICH     What I have seen cannot be true, and I know that this madness of my own, will at most lead only to suffocation when my air is gone. HIS ECHO     you should have the will to face death. HEINRICH     The light in the temple is a sheer delusion, and I shall die calmly like a German, in the black and forgotten depths. HIS ECHO     Why waste angst? HEINRICH     This demoniac laughter which I hear as I write comes only from my own weakening brain. HIS ECHO     blackness.  Precisely what is between your ears. HEINRICH     So I will carefully don my suit and walk boldly up the steps into the primal shrine, that silent secret of unfathomed waters and uncounted years. HIS ECHO     If you wish to go, go.  END  
3/9/202334 minutes, 20 seconds
Episode Artwork

Sword Kvetch by Julie Hoverson (19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week)

When Cael Carzfinker, blade maiden of the ninth rank (etc., etc.) comes to the castle of Evil Wizard Mazurin to rescue a captive prince, the outcome is.... magical. Cast List Cael - Julie Hoverson Amalan - Krystal Baker Mazurin - Gareth Bowley Gigli - Reynaud LeBoeuf Prince Tupin - Abner Senires Music:  Celestial Aeon Project and Matti Paalanen Editing / Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a road through a dark and spooky forest, leading up to an evil wizard's castle" ________________________________________________   SWORD KVETCH Cast: Mazurin, Evil Wizard Cael, Amazon Warrior Tupin, Captive Prince Gigli, Goblin Amalan, Magic Sword OLIVIA      What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's the dark woods outside an evil castle, can't you tell?  MUSIC AMB     SPOOKY NIGHT WOODS SOUND     WOLF HOWL IN THE DISTANCE SOUND     HOOVES ON DIRT UNDER CAEL     [sigh] Typical. AMALAN     What? CAEL     I could write a ballad already.  AMALAN     Oh, no.  No, no, no - that's not your job. CAEL     Shh.  I'm composing. [muttering to self] AMALAN     [whispered] [sigh] Typical. CAEL     Evil castle looms ahead....  Hmm... Nighttime, need to rest my head-- AMALAN     You can't rhyme head with ahead. CAEL     It rhymes, doesn't it? AMALAN     [exasperated sigh] CAEL     [vague threat] I'm getting another sword. AMALAN     You always say that, but you know you couldn't do without me.  CAEL     [exasperated sigh] AMALAN     And who could you ever pass me off to? CAEL     Someone deaf. MUSIC AMD     ECHOEY CASTLE SOUND     SLAPPY FOOTSTEPS RUN IN GIGLI     [coming on]  Master!  Master! MAZURIN     [distracted]  Mm? GIGLI     Master! MAZURIN     Shh-shh-shh.  [excited] Do you see what I have here, my smelly little homunculi? GIGLI     But master--! MAZURIN     [tsks]  I've turned this drop of water into an equal measure of dust. GIGLI     [flat] Why? MAZURIN     It's a vital transmutation.  A change like this could make a great deal of difference! GIGLI     To a thirsty cockroach? MAZURIN     No no, you have to see how, yes, on a tiny scale, this could be a negligible change-- GIGLI     [sigh] Sir? MAZURIN     --But if you do this a million times at once, with a million drops of water, you could cause an entire lake to suddenly turn to dust, ruining agriculture.  And then, with a simple reverse, water from dust! GIGLI     Good.  Lovely.  Can I report now?  It's kind of urgent. SOUND     FIDDLING ABOUT WITH BOTTLES, ETC. MAZURIN     [still distracted]  Uh - what?  Yes, of course, go ahead. GIGLI     Are you listening? SOUND     BOTTLE SET DOWN MAZURIN     [distant]  Of course. GIGLI     [exasperated] Oh! SOUND     BOTTLE SMASHES ON FLOOR MAZURIN     What?  Why did you--? GIGLI     Listening now?  MAZURIN     [annoyed]  Yes, get on with it! GIGLI     Someone is approaching the castle! MAZURIN     [losing interest] Oh, well - set up the defenses. GIGLI     It's an Amazon! MAZURIN     [mildly interested]  Oh, that's different.  [shrug]  Still, the defenses... GIGLI     The moat monster is in labor. MAZURIN     I thought it laid eggs. GIGLI     Well, not after you did one of your little experiments on it.  And it's not best pleased about it. MAZURIN     Oh. GIGLI     And the man-eating vines--? MAZURIN     What?  I didn't do--  They're not giving birth, are they? GIGLI     Think it through? MAZURIN     What? GIGLI     Man-eating vines?  Amazon warrior? MAZURIN     [realizing slowly]  Oh?  Oh! GIGLI     [sigh] MUSIC SOUND     HOOFBEATS ON WOOD AMALAN     Cael, I don't like this. CAEL     You mean the way nothing at all tried to stop us from strolling right up to the front door of the evil wizard's castle? AMALAN     [sarcastic]  No, I meant the two-headed gargoyles - they're so passe'.  Of course that's what I mean!  There must be a trap-- CAEL     I'll keep my eyes peeled. AMALAN     Me too. CAEL     You haven't any eyes. AMALAN     Don't nitpick. SOUND     HOOFBEATS STOP SOUND     TAPPING OF FINGERS ON THE POMMEL CAEL     [musing]  No reception committee.  No moat monster....  The gargoyles? AMALAN     They're tacky as hell, but I don't sense any magic there. CAEL     Well, then. SOUND     DISMOUNT, HORSE NICKERS SOUND     POUNDING ON HUGE WOODEN DOOR AMALAN     Subtlety.  I like it. CAEL     It's what I do. MUSIC SOUND     DISTANT BANGING ON DOOR GIGLI     [calling from off] Master! MAZURIN     Stop banging, Gigli. SOUND     SLAPPY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH GIGLI     [a little closer]  They're at the door! MAZURIN     Tell them we don't want any. GIGLI     [almost here] The Amazon? MAZURIN     Oh, yes.  She got through the defenses--?  Oh, yes of course.  GIGLI     What are you going to do? MAZURIN     Oh, the usual. GIGLI     [sigh, down]  Send me to find out what she wants? MAZURIN     Good idea.  Let me know what she says. MUSIC SOUND     POUNDING ON DOOR AMALAN     If it's abandoned, that would explain the lack of defenses. CAEL     The high council doesn't send a questor to an empty castle. AMALAN     They might not know. CAEL     Yes.  [sarcastic] Why don't you just go and point that out-- GIGLI     [yelling from off, above]  Hail, warrior! CAEL     Hmm.  Manners.  [up]  Who hails me? GIGLI     I represent Mazurin, wizard of the crooked path, mage of the 8th tier, sorcerer-- AMALAN     [muttered] Yeah, but can he dance? CAEL     [side of mouth] Shh.  [up]  I have come to face your wizard.  Open the gate. GIGLI     What is your charge?  Mazurin is an exceedingly busy mage.  AMALAN     Crooking tiers? CAEL     [tiny sigh]  I am Cael Carzfinker, Blade maiden of the 9th rank, slayer of 3 gorgons, and participant in the slaughter of the great red armadillo of Murcie-- AMALAN     With a minor in [shudder] songwriting... CAEL     --and I am charged by the high council of her most royal majesty Luria the balladeer-- AMALAN     [muttered] Ballbuster. CAEL     [trying not to react] --to find and recover the missing Prince Tupin of Vagon, with an eye toward marriage. GIGLI     And my boss is supposed to care - why? CAEL     The scryes say the prince is here - a captive in durance vile under the thumb of this "boss" of yours. AMALAN     Excessive. CAEL     And thus have I come to reclaim him. GIGLI     Oh!  Right.  Hold on, I'll tell the wizard. CAEL     Where'd he go? AMALAN     Ducked behind one of those excrescences. CAEL     I didn't see any of those. AMALAN     [exasperated] The gargoyles. CAEL     So we wait for the wizard to speak.  SOUND     DRUMMING OF FINGERS AMALAN     Oh, you're not-- CAEL     "Green and crooked, small and beady"...  [searching for a rhyme] beady?  Beeeee-dy. AMALAN     Eyes are beady.  He was more... seedy. CAEL     Ah!  "--Small and seedy, his locks were lank and eyes were beady".  AMALAN     [sigh] MUSIC SOUND     SCRITCHING OF A PEN SOUND     SLAPPING FEET RUN UP GIGLI     [slightly puffed, laughing his ass off]  Sire!  She's here for him! SOUND     DOINK AS OF FINGER SNAPPED AGAINST SOMETHING GLASS MAZURIN     Him?  Oh, well.  That's simple then - I'll just un-glaze him, and-- GIGLI     You can't just hand him over! MAZURIN     Why not?  Then she'll go away.  Problem solved. GIGLI     [exasperated sigh]  Tradition?  Ring a bell? MAZURIN     Tradition?  Oh, you're not going to say I have to fight to the death over a trifle like-- GIGLI     No!  But you're supposed to make her do tasks to earn him, so she'll spread word of your cunning and deviousness.  [muttered]  And so she'll keep him once she gets him. MAZURIN     Oh.  I'm far too busy to come up with some silly tasks.  What does tradition say? GIGLI     I'll make you up some note cards.  Want me to let her in? MAZURIN     An... Amazon?  Don't they sleep in barns or something? GIGLI     I certainly wouldn't want to be the one to suggest it to her.  I'll find her and tell her you will speak to her at dinner. MAZURIN     I will? GIGLI     Tradition. MAZURIN     [pouting]  Fine.  Tell her, then come back and find me some [vague] ... robes. MUSIC GIGLI     [off] ...This way, and the wizard will be with you shortly. SOUND     BOOTED FEET ENTER ECHOEY HALL AMALAN     Roomy. CAEL     Kind of dusty, isn't it? AMALAN     Hard to keep help in an evil castle. CAEL     [agreeing] Hmm. SOUND     POOF! MAZURIN     [booming voice]  Dusty?  Humph! SOUND     POOF! SOUND     WATER DRIPPING ALL OVER. AMALAN     [doubtful]  Impressive? MAZURIN     [muttered]  Oh, drat. CAEL     [wiping her face]  Well, that's new. SOUND     SPLAT OF WATER SHAKEN OFF MAZURIN     [trying to save face "I meant to do that"] It's... something I've been working on. AMALAN     You could use it, back home. CAEL     Shh. AMALAN     You could finally get your quarters clean. CAEL     Shh! MAZURIN     What? CAEL     Nothing.  [declaring]  Mighty Wizard, I have come to recover the most noble prince Tupin and bring him home to wed.  This is my quest.  [snarls]  Do not stand in my way. MAZURIN     Oh, of course not. AMALAN     What? GIGLI     [hissed] Master! MAZURIN     Huh?  Oh right - as long as-- um, you-- GIGLI     [whispered prompting]  Can overcome my challenges three. MAZURIN     --Can overcome three challenges. GIGLI     [muttered]  Close enough. CAEL     Of course.  Name your challenges. MAZURIN     [taken completely aback] Oh!  Well-- GIGLI     [whispered] You forgot the cards? [stepping forward]  My great master will issue you each challenge at the break of dawn on three successive days.  Then you will have until sunset on the same day to complete each one. CAEL     Morning?  Why not start now? AMALAN     Tradition. GIGLI     Tradition, milady. CAEL     Fine.  What now? GIGLI     Dinner? CAEL     Hmm.  How about showing me the prince, so I know I'm not wasting my time? MUSIC SOUND     RINGING OF CRYSTAL AMALAN     Well, it's a guy. CAEL     He's... glass? MAZURIN     Much less irritating that way. GIGLI     [jumping in] For the great wizard finds the company of mere mortals a burden - he turns them into glass to show his mighty contempt. AMALAN     That's a lot of contempt. CAEL     It’s rather a lot of prince.  Ok, oh great wizard - let's just get this straight right up front.  When I beat your challenges, you'll turn him back to normal before letting me take him, right?  MAZURIN     That goes without saying-- GIGLI     After the first challenge, he will be returned to flesh.  After the second, he will awaken, the third, you may take him. CAEL     Good, I don't want to have to cart around a giant glass statue - must weigh a ton.  And it would be rather unfortunate if I dropped him. MAZURIN     Not really. AMALAN     Nice. CAEL     You said something about dinner? MUSIC SOUND     DINING GIGLI     More port, sire? MAZURIN     [dismissive] Yes, yes.  Now um, if you can picture this fork as an oncoming enemy-- SOUND     CLINK OF FORK - clink clink clink MAZURIN     Then the napkin - I mean the entrapment grass, remember - would of course slow him-- GIGLI     Your port. MAZURIN     Over there, beside the battlefield. GIGLI     [exasperated sigh] SOUND     CUP SET DOWN. MAZURIN     Where was I, oh yes, slow him-- SOUND     CLINKS GET MUFFLED, THEN SLOW MAZURIN     --and eventually stop him. SOUND     MUFFLED CLATTER AS FORK IS WRAPPED UP IN NAPKIN CAEL     [interested] Clever. MAZURIN     Really? CAEL     Immobilizing an enemy makes him an easy target.  So you put your strength into archers, to pick off the enemy soldiers stuck in the fields like-- AMALAN     Garden gnomes? CAEL     --like so many topiary.  Hmm.  Not bad at all.  I could even write a song about that. AMALAN     Oh, please don't - he'll turn you to glass. CAEL     Shut up. MAZURIN     I didn't say anything. CAEL     Not you-- [sigh] I have this curse-- AMALAN     I am not cursed. CAEL     --of a sword.  It talks to me. MAZURIN     Do you often hear weapons talk? AMALAN     [snickers]  CAEL     No, really.  Here-- SOUND     UNSHEATHES SWORD CAEL     Say something.  [beat]  [apologetic] Great, now she's pissed at me.  [muttered] Don't make me look bad.  [up]  When she's in the sheath, I'm the only one who can hear her. GIGLI     Your sword is a girl?  Isn't that somehow counter-intuitive? AMALAN     Big words from a goblin, bub. CAEL     [heavy sigh] See? MUSIC SOUND     WALKING INTO SMALLER CHAMBER GIGLI      Sleep tight! SOUND      DOOR CLOSES CAEL     I can’t believe you would embarrass me that way! AMALAN     Embarrass you?  Who called who cursed? CAEL     No, I said you were "my curse", not that you were accursed. AMALAN     Oh.  That's different. CAEL     How's that damn wizard gonna have any respect for me now? AMALAN     Who cares?  He's old.  And evil. CAEL     He's not that old.  AMALAN     And evil. CAEL     [shrug]  That's his job. MUSIC SOUND     DOOR SHUTS, TIPTOEING SLAPPY FEET MAZURIN     [roaring] Gigli? GIGLI     Gurk! [deep breath, then bright]  Yes, master? MAZURIN     What did you think you were doing, insulting an Amazon like that? GIGLI     I --  I didn't-- MAZURIN     You called her a lummox! GIGLI     She was... playing you, sire!  I was only defending your-- MAZURIN     What?  Playing what?  GIGLI     Playing games.  You know no one ever actually listens to you when you rant on about one of your inventions, and there she is [squeaky] "oh how clever!  You're so smart!"  [normal] blech!  And you-- MAZURIN     [wounded] Of course people listen to me-- GIGLI     I don't. MAZURIN     [huffy] You're just a familiar.  GIGLI     [muttered] Don't remind me.  [up]  Sire, what I meant is she's trying to soften you up, get you to like her, so the tests will be easier.  MAZURIN     What's wrong with that? GIGLI     [sigh]  You have a reputation to uphold, my mighty lord.  MAZURIN     Oh, I really don't-- GIGLI     --and if it gets out that you're a pushover, every Tom, Dick and Harry will be at your doorstep, looking to get something from you. MAZURIN     [gasp of panic] GIGLI     And when will you ever get anything done? MUSIC SOUND     PACING IN THE ECHOEY DINING HALL AMALAN     So wizards don't wake up as early as warriors.  So what? CAEL     It's dawn.  He said dawn. AMALAN     Barely.  Sit. CAEL     Nah.  I'm hyped.  I'm ready for something really difficult.  A good fight. SOUND     POOF! MAZURIN     The challenge is-- CAEL     [eager] Yes? MAZURIN     Now, if you think the challenge is too hard, you can back out and go away, you know. AMALAN     Ri-i-ight. CAEL     Not gonna happen. MAZURIN     I am not adverse to leaving someone alive to spread word of my cruelty and -- and--. GIGLI     [hissed] Cunning! MAZURIN     And cunning. CAEL     And? MAZURIN     And...?  [thinks] and... meanness? CAEL     [sigh] And the challenge? MAZURIN     Right.  You must ... empty my entire moat into a single tankard. AMALAN     [eyeroll] Oh, jeez. CAEL     [skeptical] Are you sure? MAZURIN     Sure? SOUND     SORTING THROUGH CARDS, STOPS MAZURIN     Um... yes.  That's the first challenge. AMALAN     You wanna tell him, or should I? CAEL     Ok, here's the deal.  I could go out into the yard, smack a big hole in the bottom of a tankard and then cupful by cupful pour slimy moat water into the now bottomless tankard until there's nothing left in your pond but silt, dying fish and a pissed off moat monster. MAZURIN     Oh.  [whispered] Would that work? SOUND     FLIPPING PAGES GIGLI     Uh--  Yeah. CAEL     Or I could-- MAZURIN     [whispered] I can go on to another one. GIGLI     [whispered] Nah.  You can't switch horses in midstream. CAEL     Is everything all right? MAZURIN     [up] Just a moment! AMALAN     Ka-ching! CAEL     What? AMALAN     You aced it - he might demand you actually go through with it, but he seems surprisingly reasonable for an evil wizard. CAEL     I still don't think he's all that evil. AMALAN     He turns people to glass and makes grass that grabs you. CAEL     And I bring in archers to kill the immobilized troops-- MAZURIN     All right.  We've got this settled. AMALAN     He lets his familiar be part of the decision process? CAEL     I talk to a sword.  [up] Yes, oh mighty wizard? MAZURIN     Well. [ahem]  Rather than have to restock my pond-- AMALAN     Boo-yah! MAZURIN     --we're going to take it as read that you completed the first task, and start fresh in the morning. CAEL     What do we do for the rest of the day? MAZURIN     [at a loss]  uh...  well... [doubtful] You could... come and see my workshop? AMALAN     Spare me. CAEL     That would be fascinating. AMALAN     No really, spare me! CAEL     While we're there, you can turn the prince back to flesh. MAZURIN     Oh, right.  Of course. AMALAN     Couldn’t you leave me with the blasted goblin?  At least he can hold a conversation. CAEL     Shut up. MAZURIN     What?  Oh, right, the sword.  Did I mention that I've figured out how to turn water to dust, and vice versa?  Mostly only a drop at a time, just yet, mind you - since it's very hard to control in large quantities - oh, well, except for last night-- CAEL     Oh, is that what that was--? MAZURIN     --but I was -uh- trying to make an impression. MUSIC CAEL     [singing, but a bit shaky] the mighty warrior calms her rage goes into the castle dark and drear wond'ring what sort of wicked mage might be he that liv-ed here and whether she would see another day! SOUND     LIGHT BUT ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE MAZURIN     [admiring] You wrote that just last night? CAEL     I - I couldn't sleep.  It's not finished. MUSIC MAZURIN     I work on very small amounts at a time - no need, really, to enchant huge things.  Saves space and lord knows, who wants seven tons of aspic just lying around? MAZ and CAEL     [CHUCKLE] GIGLI     [exasperated]  On that culinary note - Master, do you plan to dine here in the workshop? MAZURIN     Dine?  But it's hardly even dark out--  Oh!  Well.  CAEL     No wonder you keep lighting candles. MAZURIN     I didn’t even notice, I was so caught up-- GIGLI     Din-ner? MAZURIN     Of course. Of course.  Shall we? CAEL     [stretching]  I hadn't even thought about it, but I am famished. GIGLI     And your sword? CAEL     don't be silly.  Swords don't eat.  She's been awfully quiet, though. AMALAN     I have been trying to ignore you.  You’re acting like a scullery maid who got smiled at by a lord. CAEL     What? AMALAN     And it will get you into trouble- this mage is the enemy.  He's enchanting you. MAZURIN     Something wrong? CAEL     No.  [thinking]  Nothing. MUSIC GIGLI     Sleep well.  Challenge at dawn.  All that. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS CAEL     Check me for magic. AMALAN     Why? CAEL     You're the one who said he's enchanting me. AMALAN     I meant he's charming you - not like a CHARM charm, just by being a smooth talker. CAEL     So you don't really suspect a spell? AMALAN     I don't see anything out of the ordinary. CAEL     Whew.  That's a relief. MUSIC SOUND     BANGING ON THE DOOR GIGLI     Rise and shine!  It's dawn. SOUND     DOOR OPENS SLOWLY GIGLI     Hello?  Hmm. SOUND     FLAPPY STEPS INTO THE ROOM GIGLI     Must already be down there...  [mischievous]  We-e-e-ell.  SOUND     PAWING THROUGH HER THINGS GIGLI     Figures an Amazon wouldn't have anything interesting in the way of undies.  Lace would ride up something fierce.  What's this? SOUND     PARCHMENT UNROLLS GIGLI     [reading] "The great and mighty Queen Luria" blah blah blah "doth decree" Oh doth she?  Blah blah blah.  "That prince Tupin should be returned safely to her royal residence in order to be joined in marriage and alignment with her oldest daughter [ with feeling] princess Cael!"  [tsks, then truly rueful]  Boss ain't gonna like this. MUSIC MAZURIN     The test for today-- [muttered] where is that idiot goblin anyway?  [up] Is for you to clean out the stables of my thirty terribly ferocious horses. CAEL     OK.  But this one's going to be easy too. AMALAN     Unless they've been eating fermented oats - remember that one time at bard camp? MAZURIN     Oh? CAEL     Course.  I've spent my entire life around the royal stables.  Horses like me.  MAZURIN     Oh, I suppose we could just call it even and I could show you a few more-- CAEL     Nonsense. MAZURIN     Nonsense? CAEL     Silly!  First - I might as well prove I can do something to earn my keep.  And second, if it's such a test, I can't imagine the poor horses having to live there without it being cleaned.  Which way? MAZURIN     Oh, um, I'll take you there. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS PROGRESSING THROUGH HALLWAYS CAEL     That would be lovely.  Oh, is there anything in the tests that says I can't ask someone for help? MAZURIN     I'm not sure - Gigli would know, but-- CAEL     Well, I figured it couldn't hurt to ask. MAZURIN     But there's only really one, well, person, you could call on to help, and Gigli isn't fond of any kind of animals-- CAEL     Oh, he's not who I was thinking of. MAZURIN     What, who, then? CAEL     Nuh-uh.  Not until you decide if I can - don't want to give it away. MAZURIN     [enjoying the byplay]  Shall I guess? CAEL     Nope, just decide, then I'll tell you. MAZURIN     All right.  Yes.  You can ask someone, but I can't constrain them into helping you. CAEL     [laughs]  Fine.  You wanna help? MAZURIN     Me? CAEL     I'll do all the heavy lifting, but I thought maybe once the bulk is gone, there's plenty of dust in a good old hayloft... MAZURIN     Oh!  [laughs himself] Oh, yes! AMALAN     [disgusted] Oh, gods. MUSIC GIGLI     No, no, no, no, NO!  She wasn't supposed to have any help at all - how could you have missed that part? MAZURIN     You weren't there to cue me, so you can't complain.  What do you think of my beard? GIGLI     Your beard?  Why? MAZURIN     I've trimmed it down a bit - I think it's rather dashing. GIGLI     [disgusted] Dashing? MAZURIN     Makes me look a bit of a rakehell.  Do you think I should wear the green or the black robe?  I like green better myself, but black is so very... oh... manly-- [hums tunelessly to himself.] GIGLI     Oh, you moron!  [sigh]  She's supposed to marry the prince. MAZURIN     [hum cuts out with a gasp]  wh-wh-whatever do you mean?  [Blustering, trying to laugh] What?  Ha-ha-ha.  [losing momentum, starting to wind down]  What did you think I was ... doing? GIGLI     I really hate to burst your bubble, especially since you actually eat and bathe right now, but I saw it in her gear.  She has to get the prince back and marry him. MAZURIN     She has to-- GIGLI     Said "Princess Cael" big as life.  MAZURIN     Oh. MUSIC SOUND     CAEL GETTING DRESSED AMALAN     Lucky for you, you were in the barn when he doused it.  No one likes a smelly Amazon. CAEL     Do you remember if I packed my teal chemise?  AMALAN     Isn't that the one you only wear for state occasions? CAEL     Um, yes... AMALAN     The one you say rides too tight through the chest and you hate to wear except that it brings out your eyes? CAEL     [overly casual]  Yes.  Did I pack it? AMALAN     I distinctly recall the words [mimicking] "phooey, when I go to do battle, who's looking at my... eyes?" CAEL     Drat. AMALAN     How can you stand him?  He's so dull! CAEL     Dull?  What do you mean? AMALAN     I mean what could possibly be more completely boring than turning dust to water - oh, yes.  Turning locusts to aspic.  That was much more boring. CAEL     It was not.  It's important magic.  He's very clever. AMALAN     Clever like a fox.  No wait that's wrong... right... anyway, forget it.  I means he's deliberately being disarming, CAEL     Speaking of disarming... SOUND     BUCKLE BEING UNBUCKLED, SWORD LEFT BEHIND AMALAN     What are you doing? CAEL     Just what you asked me to do - Sparing you. AMALAN     What? CAEL     No reason I'd need a sword at dinner.  Even with an evil wizard. MUSIC SOUND     EAGER, MESSY EATING NOISES MAZURIN     [heartfelt heavy sigh] TUPIN     [mouth full]  So where's this princess?  She one of those who likes to make an entrance?  Man, she must have seriously kicked your ass, eh?  Is she  hot?  GIGLI     [muttered] I'd actually forgotten-- SOUND     BIG DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS MAZURIN     [deeply affected - she looks good]  Oh. TUPIN     [eating stops, swallow] That her?  Man, she's kinda chunky.  And old. GIGLI     Oh, for a hammer. SOUND     [under the talking] MAZURIN'S CHAIR SQUEAKS OUT, HE TAKES A STUMBLING STEP AND THEN PULLS A CHAIR OUT FOR HER MAZURIN     [barely able to talk]  You look - very nice.  Very. TUPIN     Aren't you a little underdressed?  CAEL     I - who? [whispered] Who is that? GIGLI     You don't recognize him?  CAEL     Oh, the prince!  Greetings, your highness.  So pleased to see you upright - or at least sitting down.  MAZURIN     Have a seat, milady? CAEL     Thank you so much, kind sir. TUPIN     I don't have to stand.  I'm royalty. CAEL     What? TUPIN     That crack about me not getting up when you came in - it's not like you're my mom or anything.  Princes don't have to stand. GIGLI     [whispered] Please let me leave, boss.  I'm gonna kill him. CAEL     I didn't mean anything-- MAZURIN     [whispered] Go, then. GIGLI     As you command. SOUND     QUICK SLAPPY STEPS, DOOR TUPIN     Well, you sounded very critical.  I don't put up with that from anybody.  Not even other royalty. MUSIC SOUND     DOOR OPENS AMALAN     Who's there? GIGLI     Where is it...? SOUND     SLAPPY FEET, SWORD SLID OUT OF SHEATH AMALAN     Unhand me! GIGLI     Hey, just wanted to ask you a couple of questions - as if I know what to do with a sword...  Well, there is this prince... [nasty chuckle] AMALAN     Prince Tupin? GIGLI     Yeah.  What a prize. AMALAN     That bad?  Is he - of course!  He's awake, isn't he? GIGLI     Unfortunately. AMALAN     Oh, man, and I'm missing it.  GIGLI     If she doesn't clock him by the end of the evening, I'm no familiar. AMALAN     Nah.  She's under strict orders. GIGLI     Yeah, I know. AMALAN     You know.... what? GIGLI     Oh, I was scouting for my master, and found the parchment in her things.  He was really disappointed, you know. AMALAN     Disappointed?  Your master?  Why? GIGLI     That your princess will be marrying the prince. AMALAN     Big whoop.  She has to marry someone.  Besides, it's years off. GIGLI     Yeah, but he--  Nothing. AMALAN     He what? GIGLI     It's kind of amazing, really.  Never seen my boss like this before - you know, picking out clothes by more than smell.  And then finding out she's spoken for. AMALAN     He's interested in the princess?  That's kind of creepy. GIGLI     Why?  He may be a wizard, but he is a man. AMALAN     Perv. GIGLI     Hey, she may not be my type, but she's not so hard on the eyes.  You should be more supportive. AMALAN     You're a perv too.  The princess is only 13!  GIGLI     [blink blink]  She's really tall, then. AMALAN     Huh?  Have you even seen the princess? GIGLI     [halting]  Your... lady warrior? AMALAN     Oh, heck no.  The princess Cael is-- Oh!  You thought my boss was the princess?  Gads!  Half the girls in the country are named Cael, for the great queen who led her people out of darkness and taught them to fight? GIGLI     Oh?  Oh!  I've got to tell him! SOUND     SLAPPY FEET AMALAN     Wait!  You mean your master is really-- I thought he was just softening her up. GIGLI     [snorts]  He wouldn't know how to begin.  Short of turning her to aspic... MUSIC CAEL     With the extra horses, I can him get there and make it back in about two weeks. MAZURIN     [a bit negative] Back? CAEL     Yes.  MAZURIN     [grumpy] Why? CAEL     [a bit deflated]  To... return the horses? MAZURIN     Oh, of course.  [lying badly] I may not be here.  I have a big trip coming up.  But Gigli can see that you have a place to sleep... CAEL     [backing off] Or I could always send someone with them. SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN, SLAPPY FEET RUN IN GIGLI     Sire!  There has been a grave error! MAZURIN     [sharp]  What? GIGLI     It's entirely my fault, I admit - wait, what happened to the prince? CAEL     He fell asleep.  I think he ate too much. GIGLI     [chuckles] I'll bet.  Good one, sire. MAZURIN     What is your news, mannikin? GIGLI     Ah, yes.  Um, can you come over here, maybe?  CAEL     I can... leave. GIGLI     No!  [urging] Master? MAZURIN     Just spit it out.  GIGLI     [whispered] She's not the one. CAEL     Not the one what? MAZURIN     Not?  What?  GIGLI     Arrying-may the ince-pray. CAEL     Your goblin has lost its mind. MAZURIN     Not marrying the prince?  You're not marrying the prince? CAEL     Me?  Oh, gods no!! MAZURIN     But he saw-- GIGLI     Princess Cael is marrying him. CAEL     Yeah.  She's my cousin.  It's all arranged for her eighteenth birthday.  Hey, if they ask, can I tell them you'll turn him back to glass until then? MAZURIN     Not you? CAEL     No.  [thankful and sarcastic] I'm not worthy of one such as him.  Besides, he's years younger than me. MAZURIN     Then you can marry anyone you want? CAEL     Once I successfully complete my quest.  That's kind of why I took it. MAZURIN     [horrible anticipation] Did you - have someone in mind? CAEL     [suddenly shy]  No.  Why? MAZURIN     Nothing.  Just-- GIGLI     This is disgusting.  Just kiss her.  CAEL     But there's a third test--? MAZURIN     Oh, yes... GIGLI     [eye roll]  The third test was too see if you could listen to the wizard and not fall asleep - boom, you win.  Kiss her. MAZURIN     [excited]  Can we do that? GIGLI     The whole test thing was mostly because I was really, really bored.  ...And tradition. CAEL     We should hold off the kissing until I complete my quest.  There's always the chance the prince will get lost in the forest on the way back. GIGLI     Now there's an idea... MAZURIN     Perhaps an escort would be helpful?  Hmm? CAEL     ...and a cart.  Then he could sleep the entire trip! GIGLI     Poor princess. CAEL     She throws things.  I think they're actually well matched. MAZURIN     [giddy]  Well, perhaps a toast? CAEL     And then you can finish telling me about your research into the relationship between the angle of sunlight and the movements of pond slime. MAZURIN     Only if you promise to complete that ballad you were writing and sing it for me on the trip. GIGLI     [disgusted moan] END  
3/2/202334 minutes, 3 seconds
Episode Artwork

Housewarming by Julie Hoverson (19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week)

In classic 1940s Hollywood, aspiring screenwriter Fiona Cross discovers the pitfalls of writing remakes - including, perhaps, romance with an undying legend of the silver screen. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Fiona Cross - E. Vickery Victor Malacard - Cole Hornaday George - Jerry Bennett Margie - Kristina Yuen Andy - Michael Faigenblum Additional Voices - Rhea Lutton, Julie Hoverson,  Reynaud LeBoeuf Music:  Gabriel Garcea ( (also available on Jamendo) 19 Nocturne Theme:  Kevin MacLeod ( Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Sound effects found on Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Cover Photos:  (courtesy of Stock "What kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a movie studio office - can't you tell? Where else would you find... a screenwriter?" _______________________________________________     HOUSEWARMING Cast:   [opening credits/Olivia] Fiona Cross, screenwriter   George Webber, producer   Victor Malacard, actor/director   Margie, best friend   Mason, butler   Andy, a Messenger   Instructor voice, on P.A. Landlady   OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What  do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a film producer's office, can't  you tell?   SCENE 1 MUSIC SOUND EFFICIENT TYPING, PHONES IN THE BACKGROUND GEORGE The bad news is -it's really very good. FIONA [excited] Wonderful! [waitaminute] That's  the bad news? GEORGE Yup. Because we can't use it. SOUND SHEAF OF PAPERS TOSSED ONTO TABLE. FIONA What? But ...but Mr. Webber, you said it  was GEORGE Practically brilliant. I'll even read your  next one, and I don't say that often.  [pauses, thinks] Ever. But, Miss Cross...  you should know by now that writing remakes  is a complete waste of time. There's all  sorts of issues. We don't want to get sued. FIONA But The House on the Peak was made- GEORGE Twenty-odd years ago. It's still dicey.  Whoever owns it could sue us, and after that  fiasco at Champion pictures last year...  We're taking no chances. We're not Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, you know. FIONA If ... what if I could make an arrangement  with the owner? Would you still be  interested? GEORGE [cagey] Well, I said it was good, but I  never actually said I was interested.  [beat] Come back when you've got a  signature. MUSIC BRIDGE   SCENE 2 SOUND TINNY PHONOGRAPH MUSIC INSTRUCTOR [off mike throughout] And lift. One. Two. FIONA [puffing slightly throughout] All that  work! MARGIE [puffing slightly throughout] Goodness,  Fiona, didn't anyone ever tell you never  adapt? INSTRUCTOR ...five and six. Arms up! FIONA I guess I figured the studio would handle  all that. MARGIE [teasing] Did you just drop off the turnip  truck -Oh, sorry, the porkchop truck. INSTRUCTOR and eight -keep them up! FIONA [teasing back] You just watch it, we  Piggottsville girls are tough! [puffs a  bit] Now I just have to get up the nerve. MARGIE [sarcastic] Nerve? YOU? I can't imagine! INSTRUCTOR [off] I hear someone talking! FIONA [whispered] Enough nerve to go and talk to  Victor Malacard. MUSIC BRIDGE   SCENE 3 SOUND CAR DRIVES AWAY. WOODSY NOISES FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL. FIONA OK, Fee. Let's see what you've got. Scene:  Heroine walks up to big spooky house. She  is nervous. Almost trembling -wait, no  scratch that. She is resolved, plucky.  Much better. SOUND CREAK OF WOOD, BIRD CALL FIONA [slightly spooked] Or not. Come on, Fee.  You can DO this. Plucky heroine, for  goodness sake. Pluck up. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL. FIONA What a scene. Artfully disheveled garden.  Overgrown and dried out fountain. Huge  mansion in exactly the proper state of  dilapidation. [tries to laugh] I should be  taking notes. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON WOOD STAIRS FIONA [practicing] Mr. Malacard, I am such a big  fan of--No, I'm sure he hears THAT all  the- SOUND FOOTSTEPS SLOW DOWN, THEN STOP. FIONA [firm] Mr. Malacard. I have a proposition  for--Oh pooh! [ingratiating] Mr.  Malacard. How wonderful to finally meet- SOUND DOOR CREAKS OPEN. FIONA [gasp] MASON [spooky and unwelcoming] May I help you? FIONA [muttered] I bet you get a lot of these  roles. MASON Hmm? FIONA Sorry. Nothing. I would like to speak to  Mr. Malacard. MASON No. SOUND DOOR SLAMS SHUT. FIONA What? Aren't you supposed to say something  like [aping his voice] "I'm afraid Mr.  Malacard... isn't himself today." [normal  voice] and give me a chance to argue with  you? [pause] Huh? SOUND TWO FOOTSTEPS ON WOOD, THEN SHE SITS ON THE  STAIR WITH A CREAK. FIONA [calling over her shoulder] Very well,  then. I'm not leaving. I'll just sit here  until the spiderwebs grow up over me and I  become part of the set! SOUND BIRDS. FIONA [muttered] Or at least until I get up the  nerve to walk back to town. [sigh] Well,  it's kind of nice here, anyway. Peaceful.  [takes a couple of deep breaths] SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL APPROACH VICTOR [coming on mike] Can I help you? FIONA What? Oh! [noises, as she stands] Mr.  Mal--Wait. You can't be--I'm confused. VICTOR [chuckles] I look just like him, don't I?  I'm Victor Malacard the lesser. Call me  Vic. FIONA Fiona Cross. I'm so pleased! I'm a writer,  you see, and-15            VICTOR [cold] So sorry. Father doesn't give  interviews. FIONA Oh, no -I'm a screenwriter. I wrote a  wonderful script- VICTOR [perturbed] He doesn't act any more,  either. FIONA Does he let people finish their sentences? VICTOR [chuckling in spite of himself] All right.  Just point to me when it's my cue. FIONA [deep breath] I wrote a new version of The  House on the Peak, your father's  masterpiece, and I would very much like to  get it produced- FIONA --because I spent a lot of time on it, and  I know he would be flattered if he could  only read it, because, well, the original  was brilliant, but most people DO like sound  nowadays, and this would bring his work back  for more people to see, and if I could just  get his permission, I have a studio which is  VERY interested. VICTOR [pause] My turn? Then... all right. FIONA All right then, what? VICTOR Let me read it. I'll see if it's all you  say it is. FIONA But your father- VICTOR Is old and very ill -one reason I cannot  let anyone into the house. I have all the  authority necessary. I assume you brought your script? FIONA Oh, yes! SOUND SNAPS OPEN SHOULDERBAG, PULLS OUT SHEAF OF  PAPERS. FIONA Really, I'm a much better writer than I must  sound like, from the way I talk. I just get  really- SOUND A COUPLE OF PAGES FLIP VICTOR Come back in a couple of days. Saturday. FIONA Oh, no! I've heard that one before. It's  not so late, I'll wait while you read it.  [BEAT] Besides, I need to borrow your phone  to call a cab. VICTOR [cold] I'm afraid you're doomed to  disappointment on many levels, Miss Cross.  I refuse to read on demand, and you cannot  come in. FIONA But it's miles to the nearest- VICTOR You'd better start walking. I will see you  on Saturday. MUSIC TIME PASSES   SCENE 4 SOUND DOOR OPENS. CRACKLE OF WAXED PAPER. VICTOR [warning] I am not going to--[surprised]  What is that? FIONA Lunch. You're not going to what? VICTOR You brought - FIONA If there's one thing that Hollywood taught  me, it's come prepared for a siege. You're  lucky I didn't have time to make pastrami  and onion sandwiches, though they work a  whole lot better in an office. VICTOR Work... better? FIONA Nothing like the chance you might stink up  someone's office to motivate them to give  you five minutes. VICTOR [chuckles] FIONA Want some? VICTOR What? Oh, no -I've eaten. FIONA [snort] Hospital food, I bet -all bland and  toothless. It's always like that when  someone in the house is sick. VICTOR No, [sighs, then, resigned] no -if there's  one thing Mason makes certain of, it's that  the food is good. FIONA That your butler? Or is he some kind of  nurse? VICTOR Some kind... um, something. FIONA [bright, teasing] So, did you read it yet? VICTOR There's hardly been time- FIONA [Sweetly] Then why waste it talking to me? VICTOR [sad] It's not something I get to do very  often. Talking. To someone. FIONA Read the script, and I promise I'll come  back and talk up a storm. SOUND DISTANT THUNDER VICTOR [sigh, pause] Speaking of storms, it looks  like rain. If you need to walk back to  town, you'd best get started. FIONA I'm a farm girl. We're built tough. And  reasonably waterproof. VICTOR [chuckle ruefully] SOUND DOOR SHUTS. MUSIC TIME PASSES   SCENE 5 SOUND CRICKETS, NIGHT SOUNDS, RAIN [a beat] DOOR  OPENS VICTOR Tsk. Do you know what time it is? FIONA Judging from the position of the stars, what  little I can see of them -my watch says  about 9. VICTOR [a beat, then] I read it. FIONA [gasps, then tight] And? VICTOR It's brilliant. FIONA Really? VICTOR Here's your release. My lawyer can validate  it in the morning. FIONA Oh! I could kiss you [SHE DOES] VICTOR [shaken] I... Miss Cross...! FIONA Fiona. You know, you really do look like  your father. You're lucky. He was really  something, back in the day. It's those  eyes. VICTOR Yes, I... [with emphasis] He... SOUND CAR APPROACHES, STOPS. VICTOR What? Who the devil--? FIONA My cab. I arranged for it to pick me up at 9. Siege or not, I'm not sleeping on  anyone's doorstep but my own. Thanks again! SOUND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL. FIONA [off] ...and if you're ever in town...! VICTOR [yelling slightly] Of course...! SOUND CAR DOOR SLAMS SOUND HOUSE DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN. VICTOR [sadly to self] ...not. SOUND SLOW FOOTSTEPS ACROSS THE PORCH. MUSIC   SCENE 6 SOUND TENNIS, CROWD, IN BACKGROUND THROUGHOUT. MARGIE So, they loved it. Did you write yourself a  part? FIONA What? MARGIE Oh, come on-don't tell me you only aspire  to be the pen and not the face? FIONA I just enjoy writing. I'm in complete  control of the world. Everyone in my story  has to listen to me and do what I say. MARGIE But acting is where the fame is. FIONA Who wants fame? VOICE ON P.A. [filter] Number 33, Court 1 is open. MARGIE Are we getting close? SOUND RUSTLE OF PAPER FIONA Should be next. MARGIE So you're in it for the money? FIONA No... I guess... I'm in it to ... to see it  happen. MARGIE [pause] Are you explaining or should I order  another drink? FIONA I want to see things from my imagination up  there on the screen. I want to create  something that people will remember. MARGIE And you don't want to be famous or rich?  You're nuts. FIONA Rich would be OK, but famous just means you  never get away. That must be why Mr.  Malacard lives out in the country -to get  away from the craziness. MARGIE Craziness? In Hollywood? Perish the  thought! [pause] So, can I have your part? FIONA [laughs] There aren't really any good  female roles in the House on the Peak. MARGIE Will I sound hopelessly undereducated if I  admit I've never actually seen this fabulous  item? FIONA You never--? Where did you grow up, a cave?  I mean even in Piggottsville, it showed for  three whole nights -and then each year near  Halloween. I think the theater proprietress musta had a thing for Malacard. MARGIE Spare me the down home gossip and tell me  about this masterpiece. FIONA Well, it's sort of modeled on this story by  Edgar Allen Poe- MARGIE Didja have to get permission from him, too? FIONA Shush. He's been dead for -I dunno, a  century? Besides, it's not really the same  idea, just the tone. See, there's this guy  who goes home after his father's death, to  see his twin brother who he hasn't seen in  years- MARGIE Which one was your mysterious actor? FIONA Oh, Victor Malacard played both brothers.  It was groundbreaking at the time -using  cutaways and doubles- MARGIE Is this important? FIONA [chuckles] I guess not. But the brother  who'd been away was a man of the world, very  caught up in business, and the one who  stayed was a strange lonely man who talked  to himself- MARGIE [sarcastic] In a silent film, no less. FIONA [agreeing] Malacard was a genius. They've  got their eye on this new fellow -he was in  that film, "Laura"- MARGIE Stick to the point! FIONA Tsk. So it turns out the house is alive,  and must have a family member in residence  or it will die. But the one who stayed  would live forever, barring falling out of a  window, which is what'd happened to their  father. MARGIE Foul play? FIONA You got it -turns out one of the sons had  killed dear old dad to take his place as  head of the family, and live forever. MARGIE Was it the creepy one? VOICE ON P.A. [filter] Number 34, court 3 is open. SOUND GLASS PUT DOWN, BAGS SNATCHED UP FIONA I'll tell you whodunnit... but only if you  beat me. MUSIC   SCENE 7 SOUND CAR DOOR SLAMS. FEET ON GRAVEL. FEET SLOW DOWN. FIONA Oh. Hullo! SOUND CAB DRIVES AWAY VICTOR I heard you coming. FIONA Oh, and here I thought old Igor your butler  was a warlock or something. VICTOR Mason is a lot of things, but--[pause]  What's that? More scripts? FIONA No, silly. It's a picnic. VICTOR A what--? FIONA Pic. Nic. Food to eat outside so as not to  bother those inside whom shall not be named. VICTOR But, you- FIONA I promised I would talk up a storm, didn't  I? If Hollywood taught me one thing, it's  to keep my promises. VICTOR Well. [bemused, but pleased] Very well,  then. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL. DOOR OPENS [OFF]. MASON [off] Sir? VICTOR [calling] Don't worry, I'll stay where you  can see me. MASON [off] Very good, sir. FIONA Wow, he sure keeps you on a short leash. VICTOR [deep with meaning] So true. FIONA Well, this looks good -and see, there's a  window right there where your keeper can  peep out and make sure nothing improper  happens. SOUND BLANKET SPREAD, THINGS BEING TAKEN OUT OF  PICNIC BASKET VICTOR [deep sigh] FIONA [sincere] I do understand. My gramma raised  me -she was from the old country, very wild  Irish, and hospitals would never, never do.  So when she took ill at the end, I had to  look after her. And the farm. Just the two  of us, right up til she passed. VICTOR So being tired of the sticks, you came right  out to Hollywood, no training wheels or  anything? FIONA Oh, I figure I'll go back someday -not to  the farm, but to the country. Being down  here -well, down there -is tough -there  are so many people everywhere. VICTOR Better than being lonely- FIONA You can be lonely in a crowd just as easy as  on a farm, and it's much noisier. The  crowd, I mean. VICTOR More material for your writing. FIONA I don't agree. I figure growing up pretty  much alone is why I have such a good  imagination. Keeping myself occupied,  making up folks to talk to. VICTOR [moving in romantically] And you enjoyed my  --my father's film so much that you decided  to put words to it? FIONA [slightly breathless] I... I didn't so much  write them as sort of translate what he  already said. VICTOR [deep and husky] And very well too. FIONA [gasp, deeply important] Before this goes  any further, I have to say something. VICTOR [snapping out of it] I--we--of course, we  shouldn't- FIONA Since the studio is picking up the cost of  lunch, we have to talk business. I hope you  don't mind. VICTOR [vastly relieved, deep breath] Of course.  Mm, that smells good. No pastrami and  onions? FIONA [laughing] No. [serious] See, the studio  wants to know if we can add a girl -a  romance -to the story. Seems everything  just has to have a love interest these days. VICTOR [sharp] A what? FIONA And a happy ending. They don't want- VICTOR No! Under no circumstances! They're not  going to ruin my--[through gritted teeth]  my... father's vision -with sentimental  claptrap. FIONA [teasing] Really? Sentimental claptrap is  all the rage nowadays. [change of tone,  satisfied] Good. That's what I thought,  but they won't listen to me. Business over. VICTOR But you- FIONA Oh, don't get me wrong, I like romance as  much as the next girl, but it would weaken  the drama. Try a taste of this. VICTOR Um, yes. [takes a bite] That's -mmm,  that's delicious. The drama, you say? Have  you been writing for very long? FIONA This is my first script. That I've  completed, anyway. I've got lots of ideas,  but this one just sort of made me finish it.  It's a bit of an obsession, I guess. VICTOR You should write more. It was very good.  [pause, then throaty] Maybe... romance...  next time. FIONA [oblivious] Maybe. I guess it's easier to  write what you know, though. VICTOR [still making his move] Really? No romance  on the horizon, no beau back home on the  farm? FIONA [reacting, almost breathless] No -no one.  I've ... never... not really, anyway... Oh.  [long indrawn breath, then a teasing  whisper] Your butler's watching us. VICTOR [breaks away] Blast! I can't even--!  [muttered growl] Look at him. [heavy sigh,  then businesslike] This has been very  pleasant, Miss Cross, but I must go- SOUND GETS UP, FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL, MOVING QUICKLY FIONA Hmph? SOUND BITING A CARROT MUSIC   SCENE 8 SOUND BUSY LUNCH COUNTER MARGIE So do you make a habit of scaring off men? FIONA Well -there was this boy back at Jefferson  junior high ... No, I'm teasing. I've  never had much of a chance to try -guess  I'm just a natural. MARGIE And he was circling in for the kill, ready  to land a knockout, when- FIONA The ref appeared and he threw in the towel.  You don't usually think of grown men as  needing a chaperone. MARGIE Maybe he's old fashioned and is trying to  look out for your reputation or something. FIONA Old fashioned I would buy. He's got this  courtly way about him...just like his  father, at least the way he was on the  screen. This sort of graceful way of moving  that expresses so much. MARGIE And what was he expressing just before the  bell rang to call the match? FIONA Well... [blushing] He wasn't afraid -I can  say that for sure. MUSIC   SCENE 9 SOUND CAR DRIVES AWAY, FEET ON GRAVEL VICTOR You found your way back? FIONA The picnic was to thank you. Now I'm  buttering you up in case I want to remake  another one of your father's films. VICTOR So what's in the bag this time? Dare I  guess? FIONA No, silly. It's a surprise. I figure, not  leaving the house much, you don't get to  have a lot of fun. VICTOR My... father- FIONA Exactly. So, I figured I'd bring the some  to you. VICTOR Fun? FIONA I remembered you had a swimming pool. VICTOR Pool? But--But there's no water- FIONA And swimsuits don't clank. SOUND CLANK OF SOMETHING METAL IN BAG VICTOR Then, what--? FIONA We-e-ell, can we go look at the pool? VICTOR Uh--yes? SOUND FEET ON GRASS FIONA I hope you don't mind my coming up here like  this. I'm just so exuberant. Or is that  the right word? VICTOR Well, you sound exuberant to me. FIONA Aha, the pool. Oh, good, it's nice and  clean. VICTOR Mason sees to the grounds as well as the  house. FIONA So, here. SOUND CLANK AS BAG IS SET DOWN, UNTYING OF KNOT VICTOR I--I'm intrigued. What do you have there? FIONA Keep in mind, I'm kind of unsophisticated,  here. Another girl might have brought  champagne or something. I hope this isn't  too disappointing. SOUND METAL CLANK VICTOR I can't even tell what those are -I see  metals and wheels, and- FIONA Silly, it's roller skates! MUSIC   SCENE 10 MARGIE Roller skates? You had a chance to romance  a bigwig, and you took him roller skates? FIONA The pool was perfect -I couldn't resist. MARGIE And the two of you rolled around the bottom  of the pool like children? FIONA More or less. Well, mostly me. He was a  bit too dignified to give it a fair shake. MARGIE But you didn't roll around like grownups? FIONA What? MARGIE Nothing. MUSIC   SCENE 11 SOUND CAR DRIVES AWAY, FEET ON GRAVEL FIONA Hello? [beat, then chuckles] Maybe he  didn't see me coming, for once? SOUND FOOTSTEPS IN LEAVES FIONA Hello? How tragic. A perfectly good cab  ride wasted. [worried] Maybe his father's  not doing well. SOUND DOOR OPENS MASON Miss? FIONA Oh, gosh -sorry! I guess I kind of  expected Vic to be around somewhere. He  usually is. MASON He's busy. Inside. [ominous] Would you  like to come in? FIONA Oh, Vic said it's- MASON It's no problem. Really. FIONA Sure. Thanks a lot. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL FIONA I can always, go, you know. I don't want to  be a bother. MASON No bother. You're quite welcome here. SOUND FOOTSTEPS SLOW A BIT ON THE WOODEN STAIRS FIONA It'll be interesting to see inside. VICTOR [distant] Fiona? Is that you? SOUND RUNNING FEET APPROACH VICTOR [angry, worried] What's going on? Mason?  [beat] Fiona? FIONA Just looking for you. Mason said you might  be inside. VICTOR [angry hiss] Inside? Get out of here,  Fiona. Just go. We'll be talking about  this, Mason. SOUND FOOTSTEPS DOWN STAIRS INTO GRAVEL FIONA [puzzled] Victor? VICTOR [whispered] I don't want you going in and...  catching anything. Understand? FIONA All right. Um, sorry? VICTOR [cold] Goodbye. [up] Mason! MUSIC   SCENE 12 GEORGE [very serious] Thank you for coming in, Miss  Cross. We have a bit of a problem. FIONA You couldn't get that actor, Price? GEORGE More serious than that. [heavy pause]  Mr. Malacard. FIONA What happened? Is Vic's dad OK? GEORGE Sorry, I meant the son. He rang up  yesterday and said, well... said you've been  pestering him. FIONA [shocked] ...pestering? GEORGE Yes. He said he'll pull the permission for  the film if you bother him again. FIONA [nearly in tears] B-but... I--He never  said- GEORGE [fatherly] Just lay off, at least until the  film is finished. Once it's in  distribution, you can pester him all you  want. FIONA Oh! [sobbing] SOUND CHAIR SCRAPE, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR BANGS  OPEN. MUSIC   SCENE 13 SOUND COCKTAIL LOUNGE, MANY ROWDY PEOPLE IN  BACKGROUND FIONA [very down] Pestering. That's what he  said. Apparently. Vic couldn't even tell  me to my face, [breaking down into tears] he  had to send it through- MARGIE There, there. [calls] Waiter! Bring  another one. [half whispered] A double. FIONA No. I really shouldn't. [moping again] I  guess I deserve it -he didn't say I could  come back, but... The picnic was NICE.  Everything was nice. He was nice. Real  nice. I thought. MARGIE They all seem nice -say, you didn't let him  ... have his wicked way with you, didja? FIONA What? No! [melting] I mean, he almost  kissed me at the picnic, but the butler was  watching. MARGIE That's it, then. The butler did it.  Probably threatened to quit or something.  Good help is a lot harder to find in this  town than pretty girls. [lecturing] Most  servants are just actors waiting to be  discovered -they're just not very good, or  they'd be able to act like servants. FIONA [almost a laugh] Hmph. MARGIE That's better. What you need is a night at  a dance hall -meet some nice guys, wear  yourself out, then you can sleep. I  promise, all you'll be worrying about in the  morning is your bunions. MUSIC   SCENE 14 SOUND PERSISTENT CITY NIGHT NOISES. SOUND PHONE RINGS, OFF [PAUSE] THEN POUNDING ON A  DOOR FIONA [waking] Yes? Mm-what? LANDLADY [very annoyed] Phone for you. MUSIC   SCENE 15 SOUND CAB PULLS UP, DOOR SLAMS, RUNNING FEET ON  GRAVEL FIONA [panting] SOUND FEET RUN UP WOOD STAIRS, POUNDING ON DOOR FIONA Hello? Hello? SOUND DOOR SWINGS OPEN MASON [very calm] Oh, good. Come in. FIONA Mason? What happened? You said it was an  emergency? SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE  UNDER MASON This way, miss. FIONA [getting more panicky] But, is Vic hurt?  Did his father...? What could he --what  could he want me here for? MASON Through here. SOUND DOOR OPENS MASON The master will be right in, Miss. SOUND DOOR SLAMS SHUT. FIONA [gasp, then yelling] You could at least  turn on a light! [to herself] Which  master? Maybe I'll finally- SOUND DOOR OPENS MASON [off] Just through here, sir. SOUND RELUCTANT FOOTSTEPS MASON [off, condescending] I think this will help  with your --mood, sir. VICTOR [coming on] I can't think of anything worth  getting me up in the middle of the--Fiona?  [truly upset] MASON [off, condescending] Now everything will be  better. FIONA Oh, Vic, I shouldn't have come. I'm so  sorry! Please don't- VICTOR Oh, no! No! FIONA But Mason called me. He said- VICTOR Mason! That filthy--!! SOUND DOOR SLAM CUTS HIM OFF FIONA What is it? VICTOR We must get you out of here! SOUND RUNNING FEET, POUNDING ON WINDOWS, TRYING TO  GET THEM TO OPEN FIONA I don't understand, Vic? VICTOR Blast it Fiona, help me. FIONA No. I want to know what's going on. VICTOR Is this one of those things Hollywood taught  you? Take a bad situation and make it  worse? FIONA No. Oh, here [grunt as she helps try and  push] I wasn't going to ... to not help.  I'm just confused. VICTOR [grunt, then angry noise] No use, they're  sealed. FIONA They are glass. There must be a chair or  something- VICTOR It's never that easy -trust me. This way.  Come on. SOUND RUNNING FEET, SLAM AGAINST CLOSED DOOR BOTH are getting BREATHLESS FIONA Locked! VICTOR Maybe down here! SOUND MORE RUNNING FOOTSTEPS FIONA Don't you know your own house? VICTOR [harsh laugh] Don't slow down. SOUND RUNNING, SCRAMBLE, RATTLE OF LOCKED DOOR FIONA Victor, wait! VICTOR No! I will NOT let him get you! SOUND POUNDING ON DOOR, BUT SLOWER VICTOR [sobs] I won't let IT! FIONA Victor. Breathe, Victor! VICTOR I'm so sorry, Fiona. I don't understand why  it brought you here. FIONA It? Oh! [dawning] Um, I guess everyone  agreed the story needed a bit of romance. VICTOR What? FIONA Your house. It's just like the film -or  close to it -isn't it? VICTOR How could you think--How could you know? FIONA I told you I have a good imagination. VICTOR But you- FIONA And you're the one and only Victor Malacard. VICTOR You're mad! I would have to be- FIONA Almost 60. I looked it up. And you don't  look a day over 35. Coincidentally, the age  you were when you went into seclusion. You  look like him, move like him -even the way  your lips move when you talk -not even  father and son can be THAT much alike. VICTOR It's... the house. FIONA And Mason? VICTOR Mason's not a... person. Just part of it.  The house. He... speaks for it. FIONA And watches over you. VICTOR Keeps me prisoner, you mean. [sadly] And  now, you too. Fiona, I am so dreadfully- FIONA Shh. [calling] Mason? I want to talk to  you -whatever you are. MASON [deep, on filter] Yes miss? VICTOR [yelling] You let her go, you wretch! FIONA Shh. Victor. It'll be fine. VICTOR No...! FIONA Yes. [SOUND -brief kiss] If there's one  thing I learned in Hollywood, it's there's  always room for negotiation. [calling,  sweetly] Mason? MUSIC, fades into-   SCENE 15 MUSIC 1960S BUBBLEGUM POP ON A TINNY RADIO,  DISTANT, WITH BIRDS AND OUTDOOR NOISES.   SOUND MOTORCYCLE APPROACHES, STOPS FIONA [coming on] Ah! Over here, Bobby! Oh! I  was expecting- ANDY Sorry! I'm Andy -Bobby retired. FIONA [chuckles] It's so hard to keep track.  Well, then, Andy. Do you have my packages? SOUND LOADING UP WITH PACKAGES AS HE SPEAKS ANDY Yup, packages from Woolworth's and Mays, a  big bundle of magazines, and here's one from  the studio -a film canister -gee do you  have your own theater? That's way out  there, man, I mean ma'am. FIONA [chuckles] Just leave everything on the  porch. The butler will see that it all gets  inside in one piece. And here's my latest  screenplay -hardly a fair trade, but an  easier trip, eh? Get it to George -no,  wait... I mean Harold, don't I? Harold  Mills is in production these days, right? SOUND SCRIPT CHANGES HANDS ANDY Umm... [working up to say something] So  you're Fiona Cross Malacard? The one who  wrote Trapped by Love? That was a groovy  flick, even if it is kind of ancient. FIONA Well, thank you, Andy. [chuckles] I guess. ANDY But you don't look--I mean, you're really  much--oh, criminee. I mean to say- FIONA You're trying not to say I must be older  than I look? ANDY Uh-huh. FIONA I'll take the compliment. I put it down to  clean country air, good healthy food... VICTOR [way off] Fiona? Was that the deliveries? FIONA ...and a wonderful husband. ANDY Having servants don't hurt neither, eh? FIONA [ironic] No -no, it don't. MUSIC TO END  
2/23/202331 minutes, 13 seconds
Episode Artwork

For Art's Sake by Julie Hoverson (19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week)

[mature language and violence] Roy Chambers, self-proclaimed "artist of junk" becomes suspicious about the intricate work of another sculptor. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Roy Chambers - J.D. Lloyd Gwynneth Robinson Molly Tollefson Vivienne - Rhys TM Robert - Mr. Synyster Arturo - Philemon Vanderbeck Solange - Angela Kirby Penelope Cartwright - Kris Keppeler Hank Norton - Powers Chamber 19 Nocturne Theme:  Kevin MacLeod ( All other music by Professor Kliq (Creative Commons License) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Photo:   (courtesy of Stock "What kind of a place is it?  Why it's an art gallery - can't you just smell the culture?" _________________________________________________________ FOR ART'S SAKE Cast: Announcer Cabbie Olivia Roy Chambers, artist of junk Gwynneth Robinson, gallery owner Robert [ro-BEAR], art critic Vivienne, art critic Arturo, sculptor Solange, a supermodel Hank Norton, grieving brother Penelope Cartwright, psychic Gordie, aspiring young critic OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's an art gallery.  Can't you just smell the culture? SCENE 1 MUSIC - PRETENTIOUS GRUNGE/INDUSTRIAL, BUT LOW. AMBIANCE     LOW CROWD MUMBLE ROBERT and VIVIENNE sound bored and disinterested - very, very jaded intellectual.  They are sort of fencing with each other. ROBERT     It's so innovative, it's almost retro. VIVIENNE     Jejune, yet piquant. ROBERT     The raw power of the chain link simply draws the eye. VIVIENNE     The underlying metaphor behind the cracked concrete base is very telling. ROBERT     Trash cans have been overused this season. VIVIENNE     Which is precisely what this piece is trying to say.  It is a commentary on the current state of the art world. ROY     That it's all garbage? ROBERT     [snort of derision] Garbage?  Perhaps to the petty and feeble mind, incapable of looking beyond the component parts-- VIVIENNE     --this one would look at a forest and see trees. [ROBERT AND VIVIENNE chuckle.] ROY     Oh, I understand this piece just fine. ROBERT     Do you?  Do you really?  VIVIENNE     What, then, is this putty-like brown graffitti in its indecipherable scrawl? ROBERT     And that smell - it's almost visceral. ROY     It's crap. ROBERT     You'd best keep your voice down, dear fellow.  The artist is a good friend of dear Gwynneth, our host tonight, and I hear he's actually graced us with his presence. ROY     No- no.  It's actually feces.  The graffitti.  I'm Roy Chambers.  The artist? VIVIENNE     F-feces?  Excrement? ROY     Yup. VIVIENNE     B-but...  doesn't it ... lose pungency after a time? ROY     Of course.  I freshen it up every couple of days.  I hope you don't mind if I don't shake hands. A BEAT OF SHOCKED SILENCE, THEN ROBERT     Well, that does put a new [trailing off] face ...on  VIVIENNE     Oh, look, they've opened the champagne. SOUND     HURRIED FOOTSTEPS AWAY ROY     [chuckles] GWYNNETH     [sigh] Darling, you'll never sell anything if you keep telling people your work is shit. ROY     [laughs harder]  You know that's not the point.  I just love seeing the look in their eyes.  GWYNNETH     Well, you may have the luxury of not needing to make your way as an artist, but I still need-- ROY     I can always-- GWYNNETH     [indignant]  Write me a check?  Not on your life, handsome.  If I can't make it, I'll fail on my own two feet.  [softening]  But you can buy me dinner.  Again. ROY     [chuckling] I wasn't going to suggest charity - but since I seem to be the one losing you sales on my pieces, you could let me pay rent for the space-- GWYNNETH     I don't understand why you're so down on your art.  [serious] It's good Roy.  It's powerful.  I wouldn't have it in my gallery otherwise... [rowr] no matter how terrific you are in bed. ROY     It makes me uncomfortable, like I'm ... exposing myself. GWYNNETH     That's what makes it so strong-- SCENE 2 SOUND     A COMMOTION IN THE BACKGROUND - SOMEONE YELLING - GETS LOUDER AS GWYNNETH AND ROY APPROACH GWYNNETH     [muttering as she hustles] Oh, goodness, it's not the man enclosed in legos with his winkie hanging out again, is it? ROY     [right behind her] Maybe a critic's seeing eye dog got at the sculpture in baloney. GWYNNETH     Poor dog - that meat's been here a week. ROY     Either one. SOUND     COMMOTION HAS ENDED - JUST HEAVY BREATHING FROM A COUPLE OF GUYS GWYNNETH     [authoritative] What is going on? ARTURO     This ...person... was ...molesting... my statue. ROY     [muttered] Is it the baloney?  GWYNNETH     [muttered] No. ROY     [muttered] The winkie? GWYNNETH     [muttered] Shh.  ARTURO     I demand charges be filed. HANK     I was only-- ARTURO     No one cares what you were trying to do, you philistine! GWYNNETH     Arturo.  ARTURO     Luddite!  Peon! GWYNNETH     Arturo!  Please, calm down.  I promise I shall handle this personally.  ARTURO     [going off] Just make sure he keeps his filthy hands off my beautiful marbles. ROY     [muttered] Maybe his marbles should meet lego man's winkie. GWYNNETH     [trying not to laugh] Ahem.  Now, sir, I'm Miss Robinson - and this is my gallery.  And you are? HANK     [subdued, apologetic, aw shucks] Hank - Henry, that is - Norton. GWYNNETH     What were you doing, then? HANK     The statue - it looks like Lizzie - Elizabeth - my sister.  Just like her.  ROY     That not what she asked. HANK     Well, I was thinking it might be like that old movie where the guy kills people, puts them in plaster and gets famous for his art...  Lizzie's missing, ever since she wrote and said she had a job modeling for this guy.  So I wanted to... check and see... GWYNNETH     [gentle] I don't know the movie, Hank, but I'm pretty sure you can't put someone in marble the way you might with plaster.  It simply doesn't work that way. HANK     No? GWYNNETH     No. ROY     Hank, let's get us a glass of that champagne. GWYNNETH     [stage whisper] Thank you! SOUND     QUICK KISS SCENE 3 MUSIC      A LITTLE TIME PASSES SOUND     EXCITED COMMOTION, CAMERAS GWYNNETH     Oh, god, what is it this time? ROBERT     [in awe] It's Solange.  She's here! VIVIENNE     [going off] If I were only into women... ROBERT     [going off] Me too... GWYNNETH     [sigh, then clearly trying to convince herself] It's good.  Publicity.  I like supermodels. ROY     [coming on] Who--? GWYNNETH     Solange is the latest sensation.  So bloody skinny. ROY     Better keep her away from the baloney. GWYNNETH     [slightly venomous] It would do her good. ROY     I didn't mean her - just the dog. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS AND JINGLE OF DOG HARNESS APPROACH GWYNNETH     Solange, I am honored. SOLANGE     [strange accent] Ah?  Sorree, and you are? GWYNNETH     I'm Gwynneth Robinson.  This is my gallery.  We are truly-- SOLANGE     Where ees Arturo? GWYNNETH     Right over there.  SOLANGE     Take mee to heem, pleez.  SOUND     JINGLE OF DOG'S HARNESS, SCRABBLE OF CLAWS ON FLOOR. GWYNNETH     My pleasure.  My arm is just to your right.  Would you like something to drink?  [fading out]  Perhaps some water for your service animal? ROY     Is that the latest thing - blind models? VIVIENNE     'Differently abled' darling.  You could get sued -- ROBERT     Or at least censured. VIVIENNE     --for use of non-PC language. ROBERT     Besides, with a body like that, who cares if she can see?  And the dark glasses are her trademark - she's never seen without them. ROY     Hmm.  You two seem like just the type I need. VIVIENNE     I don't do threesomes. ROBERT     I do. ROY     No, no - not like that, but [buttering up] you really seem to be in the know... VIVIENNE     Of course. ROBERT     Pity. ROY     This Arturo guy - what can you tell me about him? VIVIENNE     Quid pro quo, dear friend - tell us about you first. ROY     Well...  It's brownie mix - the brown stuff. ROBERT     Re-e-e-eally...?  SCENE 4 MUSIC SOUND      CLUNK OF OVERHEAD LIGHTS GOING OFF GWYNNETH      [coming on, low and sultry]  So.  The lights are off.  The crowd is gone.  And the door is locked against the night.  You know what that means? ROY     Hmm? GWYNNETH      Come on, love.  I need some serious stress relief. ROY     In a moment. GWYNNETH      What is so fascinating about these things?  First that poor little man - now you? ROY     Have you really looked at them? GWYNNETH      Dearest, I don't really look at anything that goes in here, beyond deciding if I think it will sell.  That way lies sheer madness. ROY     How did legoman get in? GWYNNETH      Oh, that. [sigh] I'm still not certain about that one.  ROY     Anyway, these statues - I don't know anything about marble sculpting, but I would assume it's not the easiest thing in the world, even with modern technology. GWYNNETH      I suppose. ROY     Look at the detail here.  The clothes, hair  - rivets in the jeans, even.  Everything is exact.  Perfect. GWYNNETH      So he's anal.  Surely you're not thinking that Arturo whats-his-name has somehow immured people in marble. ROY     Nah.  But I can see Hank's point.  His sister's statue looks - almost alive.  And she's not happy about it. MUSIC SCENE 5 AMBIANCE      RESTAURANT GWYNNETH      Where were you?  I really could have used you at the gallery tonight. ROY     Why?  What happened? GWYNNETH      I asked you first. ROY     [sigh]  I-I was trying to find that artist - the one with the statues. GWYNNETH      And--? ROY     He's harder to track down than ... than me. GWYNNETH      [laughs] Perhaps he's another eccentric with more money than sense. ROY     Hey--!  I thought that was part of my charm. GWYNNETH      No.  I love you.  But I don't make any claim to understand you.  You don't even like your own art. ROY     [slightly uncomfortable] It just comes out that way.  SOUND     A MOMENT OF EATING GWYNNETH      [unpleasantly surprised]  Oh god! Don't look.  It's her.  Just act normal. ROY     What?  Who am I not looking at? GWYNNETH      The commotion.  I mean the woman who caused the- PENELOPE     [off]  Hello! ROY     I think she's seen you. GWYNNETH      Oh, god. ROY     Is there anything I should know before she gets here? GWYNNETH      I'm going to be a coward and duck out for the loo. ROY     About her, I mean.  [beat]  You've got a moment, the maitre d' has her in a headlock. GWYNNETH      [laugh] She claims to be a psychic and made a fuss over Arturo's marbles.  God, I'm seriously regretting ever taking them on. ROY     Why did you?  I mean, looking at his stuff, he could be showcased in the biggest gallery in town, and- [trails off uncertainly] GWYNNETH      Rather than a piddling little upstart like mine?  Oh, hell-  See you! SOUND     GETS UP FROM CHAIR, DASHES AWAY ROY     Chicken. PENELOPE     [slightly off] Miss Robinson! SOUND     CHAIR SCRAPES ROY     She'll be right back.  PENELOPE     [coming on] Oh.  I'm so sorry - I didn't mean to interrupt - are you - you're her beau, aren't you? ROY     I'm her boyfriend, yeah. SOUND     CHAIR SCRAPES, SHE SITS DOWN PENELOPE     I could tell the moment I really looked at you. ROY     [giving her nothing] Ah.  Well.  PENELOPE     Oh, I'm so sorry.  She probably mentioned me, I'm Penelope Cartwright. [confidential]  I'm a certified psychic. ROY     Oh.  Well. PENELOPE     Oh-ho!  I can tell you're a disbeliever, Mr. -? ROY     Don't you know?  You're the psychic. PENELOPE     [laughs]  It's not like that, handsome.  Well, sometimes it is.  Let me see, let me see.  Hmm.  I'm feeling the letter T.  Can I see your hands? ROY     [over-eager] T?  As in Thomas? PENELOPE     [pleased] Aha!  Your palm?  There.  You work with your hands, are you in construction? ROY     [noncommital] Mm. PENELOPE     But there's something else - your money line is a bit baffling.   Very strong - not what I usually see in someone doing manual work.  And something about cats... [Surprised as he snatches his hand away] What?? ROY     Look, Miss Cartwright. You've been right about one thing - and only one thing - I'm a skeptic.   PENELOPE     But, I-- ROY     But, nothing.  I think you'd better go before I feel like embarrassing you in front of Miss Robinson. PENELOPE     Please-- ROY     Go. PENELOPE     [beat]  Very well.  [intense]  But you need to hear this--  [before he can speak]  No!  I have to say it, and if you won't let me wait to tell her, then you have to hear it. ROY     Fine.  Whatever.  Quickly. PENELOPE     The statues - there's something very wrong with them - worse even than that painful installation near the front door with the brown stuff-  I just walked past, and they shouted to me - screamed for help - as if they were alive! ROY     Right. PENELOPE     You don't have to believe, but you must hear me.  I felt such evil in the presence of those poor dear things. ROY     [very sarcastic]  They're... evil statues? PENELOPE     Oh, no.  They're evil's victims. SCENE 6 MUSIC AMBIANCE     STREET GWYNNETH      I can't believe she would do that!  You're such a saint to put up with everything. ROY     Saint?  No.  Just amused by people.  Probably why I like the gallery scene - art folk are hilarious. GWYNNETH      Like Vivienne and Robert? ROY     Who? GWYNNETH      You were talking to them at the gallery last week - after that young man made the fuss over the statues. ROY     Oh.  Bert and Ernie. GWYNNETH      Vivienne IS a female.  I've known her for years. ROY     The way they dress, who could tell?  And who would care? GWYNNETH      Dare I ask what 'the statue whisperer' had to say? ROY     She said they were crying out for help, blah blah blah.  GWYNNETH      Oh, good, now we have two loonies who believe the statues are somehow alive. ROY     Oh, and she apparently hates my work too. GWYNNETH      [joking] Well.  Then she must be normal. MUSIC SCENE 7 SOUND     HEAVY DOOR OPENING ROY     [echoey] Hello? SOUND     ECHOEY FOOTSTEPS, SECOND HEAVY DOOR OPENING ROY     Hello?  I know you're in here. ARTURO     [distant sigh, then, off]  Come on, then - to the left. SOUND     HESITANT ECHOEY FOOTSTEPS, ANOTHER HEAVY DOOR ROY     Isn't it a bit dark in here for a studio? ARTURO     [still distant] You want light?  SOUND     LOUD RUSTLE OF CANVAS, as a heavy curtain swoops to the side. ROY     [reacts to sudden brightness] Jeez!  Good thing I'm not a vampire. ARTURO     [close] You come to steal my secrets? ROY     [jumps, then laughs]  Not my style.  I sculpt from garbage. ARTURO     [disdainful] Yes.  I have noticed.  So why? ROY     You interest me. ARTURO     I thought you were sleeping with our blonde gallery owner. ROY     Um, and you're seeing the supermodel. So? ARTURO     Not that kind of interest?  ROY     [reacts, then] Not very sociable, eh? ARTURO     Hmm.  Perhaps that is why my place here is unlisted and no one visits me.  You have explained a lot.  Feel free to leave. ROY     [beat]  I don't see any materials - working on anything? ARTURO     I am planning.  I don't sculpt here.  It is much too noisy. ROY     The sculpting? ARTURO     The city.  [beat]  And the work.  ROY     Your work is very detailed.  Do you model from life or photos? ARTURO     [a bit odd] From life.  ROY     How do you find your models? ARTURO     Anyone can be a model. [a bit threatening] Perhaps I should ... immortalize ... you? ROY     I'm not that cute. ARTURO     [uncomfortably close]  You don't see yourself clearly.  You're a perfect type - strong, but not silent.  Yet-- SOUND     CELLPHONE RINGS ROY     That's me.  Sorry.  SOUND     CELLPHONE ON ROY     'lo?  Yeah, I'm there now.  No, won't be long.  SOUND     CELLPHONE HANGS UP, TURNS OFF ROY     Sorry about that. ARTURO     [backed off]  Of course.  You are interested in my work - My next major project is a woman.  That is all you will know.  Now leave me. SCENE 8 MUSIC SOUND     DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH, COMPUTER NOISES ROY     I've been doing some googling-- GWYNNETH      [slightly off] You don't even look up.  I could be anyone.  A serial killer? ROY     Reflection in the screen.  GWYNNETH      [close up] Oh, well, then.  [hug and kiss noise] So what have you been googling? ROY     Turning people to stone. GWYNNETH      [sigh] Oh god, not Arturo again? ROY     He creeped me out.  I'm not sure if he was about to kiss me or stab me.  And when he said his next project was a woman - all I could think about was that poor blind girl. GWYNNETH     Yes. [mock sympathy] Poor little skinny bitch blind supermodel. ROY     Right.  So, disregarding the E-L-O song, there are myths all over the place about people being turned to stone.  Gorgons, Basilisks-- GWYNNETH      Medusa-- ROY     --yeah, gorgons-- GWYNNETH      What? ROY     Medusa's a gorgon. Like Dracula's a vampire. GWYNNETH     Fine, so I slept through my classical education.  What have you come up with, then? ROY     Disregarding the mythological crap, then, there are a number of fictional stories dealing with it. GWYNNETH     Why disregard the mythical crap?  ROY     Right.  Have you seen any women wandering around New York with snakes for hair?  Or a giant lizard?  GWYNNETH     Hmm.  [shrug] It is New York.  So you lean towards fiction as being more reliable? ROY     When you put it that way... GWYNNETH     What's the front runner, then? ROY     [very serious] Some sort of alchemical process or machine  that changes flesh to stone.  [laughs]  But it's still nuts.  SOUND     LAST COUPLE OF KEYS BEING HIT GWYNNETH     If you're so creeped out by him, perhaps I should send him on his way. ROY     Nah.  GWYNNETH     Good.  He sells.  [teasing] Unlike some... ROY     Most of your art crowd creeps me out.   A little. GWYNNETH     And me--? ROY     Definitely.  [chuckle] Not. SOUND     SMOOCHING SCENE 9 MUSIC GWYNNETH     [talking on phone]  --shipped out first thing.  Crating and handling will be fairly expensive-- [some talk] --very heavy, yes.  SOUND     TAP ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS QUIETLY GWYNNETH     [covers phone, whispers] just a second.  [back to phone]  I'll email you the invoice, and that should go out this afternoon. SOUND     PHONE HANGS UP GWYNNETH     Can I help you? VIVIENNE     I hate to bother you, but-- [deep breath] GWYNNETH     Nonsense.  Have a seat. SOUND     CHAIR SHIFTS VIVIENNE     Could you perhaps see your way to telling me how to find that sculptor?  The one who does the truly amazing marble statues? GWYNNETH     [muttered] Not another one. VIVIENNE     Huh?  You see, Robert--  that fellow asked him to model, and being the narcissist that he is, he was entirely unable to refuse-- GWYNNETH     Oh.  Um, I might be able to-- VIVIENNE     I don't want to make any trouble, but his partner, you know, blames me-- SCENE A1 MUSIC AMBIANCE     NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY ROY     Hello? PENELOPE     [off, musical] Just a moment! SOUND     RATTLE OF BEAD CURTAIN, FOOTSTEPS PENELOPE     [over the top] Welcome to-- [tone change] oh, it's you.  Come to sneer? ROY     [soft laugh]  No.  I wanted to ask you a few questions. PENELOPE     You saw my sign - it's all entertainment. ROY     It also said this-- SOUND     SLAP OF MONEY ON TABLE ROY     --buys me an hour of your time. PENELOPE     [sigh] It's your dime.   SOUND     MONEY SNATCHED UP PENELOPE     One of many, if I recall your money line. ROY     I want to know what put you onto the statues.  Did a guy named Hank Norton hire you? PENELOPE     Hire?  You think I've been paid-- ROY     Were you? PENELOPE     [sigh]  Yeah, I really love making an ass of myself in public.  Tscha.  If I was that much of a masochist, I'd'a taken up mime.  You may not believe it, but I truly felt something in there.  ROY     Screaming? PENELOPE     It's not that specific.  I have to exaggerate - to translate - when I tell people about my "feelings."  They only want to believe things they can relate to.  I felt ... unease.  Fear.  [sigh]  A definite flavor of more than one mind.    ROY     You were in a crowded gallery. PENELOPE     More than one mind in distress.  Since then- [breaks off] ROY     Yes? PENELOPE     Can you do me a huge favor? ROY     Maybe. PENELOPE     Can you try to hold your laughter until you're back out on the street? ROY     I think so. PENELOPE     I've been having dreams. ROY     [snort] PENELOPE     [warning noise]  I couldn't move.  And I couldn't feel anything - but I could see. I could even hear.  And be afraid.  It was - fear was the biggest part of it.  [beat]  You seem to be with me so far-- ROY     Yes. PENELOPE     Well, here's where I'll lose you.  I don't usually feel things in words, but in flavors, and colors, and textures.  ROY     Like auras? PENELOPE     No.  It's - like with you, I taste brick and brown, and smell the tang of old wires. ROY     [uneasy] Whatever.  Get on with it. PENELOPE     The feeling in my dream - the flavor of it, if you will - was identical to what I felt at the gallery.  SCENE a2 MUSIC ROY     [off, calling]  Gwyn? VIVIENNE     [muffled] Eh? ROY     [coming on] Gwyn?  [muttered] Oh, it's Bert.  Or Ernie. VIVIENNE     Hmm?  She's out.  Asked me to run some numbers for her.  You didn't realize I have skills beyond those of mere mortal critics? ROY     [snarky] You'd have to. VIVIENNE     Look.  Maybe you can help me - Gwyn seems to put a lot of faith in you, despite your obvious attitude problems. ROY     [snort] VIVIENNE     Robert - you recall Robert?  Well, he's gone missing, ever since agreeing to model for Arturo, and I don't know what to-- ROY     He probably just went off with someone. VIVIENNE     He wouldn't-- ROY     And you're such a judge? VIVIENNE     I know Robert-- ROY     I thought he was into guys. VIVIENNE     [really mad]  That does not make him a slut who would run off without a word. ROY     [backing down a bit]  Ok, fine.  You know your friend.  But everyone has a dark side. VIVIENNE     True.  [quick, stabbing] Why do you hate yourself? ROY     What?  What are you, a shrink? VIVIENNE     There's a lot of psychology in art.  Your work says a great deal about you.  Self loathing fairly screams from every line. ROY     [still trying to brush her off, but with an edge] Maybe why it doesn't sell. VIVIENNE     I didn't say it wasn't brilliant - it is.  It's much too powerful for most people. They see what you show them, but don't know how to handle it. ROY     You should meet that psychic.  You'll get on like a house on fire. VIVIENNE     Marines? ROY     [sharp] What? VIVIENNE     Special forces?  You either saw action or spent a lot of time in prison.  You don't have the stance of an abused child. ROY     Look lady-- VIVIENNE     Or the tats of a career criminal-- ROY     Shut up! VIVIENNE     Those are the main ways to reach such a depth of hatred for yourself-- SOUND     A COUPLE OF QUICK FOOTSTEPS ROY     [close]  Is there a point to this? VIVIENNE     [not backing down]  I needed to show you I understand people.  You.  Gwynneth.  And Robert.  And he wouldn't go off and leave Gregoire without a word like that. ROY     Ok, I believe you.  Get the fuck out. VIVIENNE     First, tell me how to find Arturo.  If you don't care what happened to Robert, I do. ROY     What makes you think I know how to find him? [beat]  All right.  SOUND     SCRIBBLING, PAPER TEARS ROY     Here. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS RECEDE, THEN STOP VIVIENNE     [slightly off] She doesn't care, you know. ROY     [tries not to respond, then] What? VIVIENNE     Gwynneth.  She knows you, and for some reason she still loves you.  SCENE a3 MUSIC GWYNNETH     She really said--? ROY     [uncertain] She was full of it. GWYNNETH     Well, if that looney's psych-ee sense is right, and they are cursed, at least they're not my problem - all six of them have sold for huge amounts, and I've a list of commission requests as long as my arm to pass on to Arturo as soon as he gets back in contact. ROY     Have you checked out his so-called studio? GWYNNETH     He never told me where it is. ROY     I was there.  GWYNNETH     You beast! ROY     I guess I forgot to mention it.  Money does have some privileges.  SCENE a4 MUSIC SOUND     STEALTHY FEET. EVERYTHING ECHOES SLIGHTLY GWYNNETH     [whispered] This is madness. ROY     You're the one who spotted Vivienne's car.  GWYNNETH     Doesn't mean we needed to break in. ROY     It was unlocked.  No breaking.  SOUND     RUNNING FEET APPROACH, SLIGHTLY MUFFLED ROY      Stay back, someone's-- SOUND     FEET ARE CLEAR VIVIENNE     [panting, then gasps in muffled terror] SOUND      FEET COME TO AN ABRUPT STOP GWYNNETH     Viv? VIVIENNE     [gasping, trying to calm down]  We need to get out of here - call the police!  GWYNNETH     What?  Why? VIVIENNE     It's Robert!  A statue!  There's no way he could have carved so fast-- SOLANGE     [far off scream] VIVIENNE     [gasp] He's doing something terrible to her, too--! ROY     You get out of here - I'll see what I can do-- GWYNNETH     Yes, get going. SCENE a5 SOUND     FOOTSTEPS, DOOR ROY     [to Gwyn] You too. GWYNNETH     Nonsense.  You stop him, I'll help her-- SOUND     THEIR SNEAKING FOOTSTEPS ARTURO     [off, calling] You think you can get away?  Darling?  If you hide, it just makes me angry. GWYNNETH     We can at least see what's coming at us.  ROY     That's not always a good thing. SOUND     DISTANT DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN ARTURO     [off]  Here?  No? GWYNNETH     I plan to stare death in the face and spit in its-- SOLANGE     [off, whimper]  GWYNNETH     Shh!  Did you hear that? ROY     [moving off] Over here— SOUND     CUPBOARD DOOR OPENS SOLANGE     [gasp]  Who ees thees? GWYNNETH     It's all right.  We'll get you out.  Feel my hand? ROY     He's getting closer. GWYNNETH     I've got her.  Up you come. ROY     We need to move.  SOLANGE     Are wee neer zee door say ehkseet? GWYNNETH     Exit?  [looking around]  Oh, yes – there.   Come on. SOUND     CAREFUL FOOTSTEPS, DOOR QUIETLY OPENS, THEN  STARTS TO CLOSE BEHIND THEM GWYNNETH     Roy? ROY     Get her out of here.  I'm going to stop Arturo. GWYNNETH     Roy! SOUND     GRAB, RUSTLE, KISS ROY     Get clear. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS SCENE a6 SOUND      QUIET CAREFUL FOOTSTEPS ARTURO     [off, calling]  Come out, come out? SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN, OFF SOUND     ROY'S FOOTSTEPS STOP ARTURO     [Getting closer]  There is no place to run to— SOUND     A's FOOTSTEPS APPROACH ARTURO     Don't make this any more difficult-- SOUND     SCUFFLE.  GRUNTS.  BODY FALLS ROY     [whispering, close, puffing a little]  Not difficult at all.  [chuckle] SOUND     HANDCUFFS RATCHET, SLAP SHUT ARTURO     [puffing, hard to breathe] And Solange? ROY     Out of your reach.  ARTURO     [wheezy evil chuckle]  In reach of your young lady, though. [laughs again] ROY     What?  ARTURO     Don't worry - you still can get away. ROY     [dawns on him] Shit!  SOUND     BODY DRAGS, DOOR OPENS ROY     [Grunt as he shoves Arturo into a closet] SCENE a7 SOUND     DOOR SLAMS, LOCKS, HURRIED FOOTSTEPS ROY     [edge of panic] Gwyn?  You here? GWYNNETH     [muffled gasp of pain, distant] SOUND      RUNNING FOOTSTEPS ROY     Where are you? SOLANGE     [off, too sweetly] Over heere.  SOUND     BANKS OF LIGHTS COME ON, ONE AT A TIME SOUND     FOOTSTEPS SLOW, CAUTIOUS ROY     You can't hide in the light— SOLANGE     [closer] I 'ave no weesh to.  I hwant you to see— GWYNNETH     [off] Roy!  Get out!  Get the police!  Don't— [breaks off with a long gasp] SOLANGE     [off] Are hyou zee hero?  Cohm and geet her.  Hyou might steel sehv her. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS STOP ROY      [very sotto]  Shit.  [up] I've got Arturo – let's make a trade. SOLANGE     Heez a tool.  I can find anozzer. ROY     What?  You--? SOLANGE     [disparaging] Zee great arteest.  A mere saylzman.  He is un‑eemportant.  Come out and aye weel no hert her more. GWYNNETH     [gasp]  Get out, Roy— [ends in a hiccup of pain] ROY     Gwyn, whatever you do, keep your eyes shut – can you do that? GWYNNETH     [fights to make an affirmative sound] SOLANGE     So you Zink you noh somezeeng?  Come clozer, man.  [kissing noise, like summoning a dog] I could reemov her eyeleedz, you know.  It is chust zo – barbareec. GWYNNETH     [High squeal] ROY     Why?  I mean, why do it?  What are you? SOLANGE     Stop moveeng!  Hwonce, we wayr feered and worshipp-ed.  GWYNNETH     [gaspy] So now you're a supermodel - what's the diff-- [gasp] SOLANGE     Hyou ask why I turn peepul to stone?  ROY     [muttered] Just a bit closer.  [up] Yeah, what's the deal? SOLANGE     Chust for the look on zayr face! [laughs merrily, then gasps] Ow! SOUND     SCUFFLE, THEN QUICK FEET SOLANGE     You Beech!  You BEET mee! GWYNNETH     Come on! SOUND      RUNNING FEET SOLANGE     [going off] You cannot geet away! SCENE a8 SOUND     FOOTSTEPS RUNNING MADLY, SLAM THROUGH SEVERAL SETS OF DOORS, FOOTSTEPS STOP BOTH     [breathing hard, Gwynneth gasping a bit in pain] ROY     Sorry.  GWYNNETH     Let's get out, then you can apologize all over me. ROY     [chuckle] SOUND     HIT BAR ON NEXT DOOR. IT WON'T MOVE. ROY     Shit! SOUND     POUNDING ON DOOR, TRYING TO MAKE IT OPEN SOUND     BEHIND THEM, A DISTANT SET OF DOORS SLAMS OPEN ROY     Shit!! GWYNNETH     What is it?  ROY     She's a gorgon – medusa.  That's why she always wears the shades-  Whatever you do, don't look in her eyes. SOUND     ANOTHER DISTANT SET OF DOORS SOUND     PUSHING ON THE NEAR DOOR. NO LUCK ROY     [almost giving up] shit. GWYNNETH     [strangely calm] We're trapped? ROY     She did it.  Just like this.  Hunted them down and caught them - no wonder they all look so damn scared. GWYNNETH     Well... [gasp] hold me?  At least that way, we end up a statue together. ROY     [chuckle dissolves into gasping sob] SOUND     LAST DOOR BUT ONE SLAMS OPEN.  FOOTSTEPS CAN BE HEARD COMING CLOSER ROY     [deep breath] Do you trust me? GWYNNETH      Of course.  I love you. ROY     I – I love you, too. GWYNNETH     I know.  I – SOUND     LAST DOOR SLAMS OPEN.  SLOW OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS, SLITHERY NOISES ACCOMPANY HER ARRIVAL GWYNNETH     [Scream of agony] SCENE a9 MUSIC AMBIANCE     GALLERY.  BUZZ.  MUSIC. GORDIE     Is that the owner?  Seems funny to run a gallery, being blind and all. VIVIENNE     [sounding older, wiser]  She trusts my judgment.  GORDIE     Was she born blind? VIVIENNE     Oh, no – there's a tragic story there. GORDIE     Do tell! VIVIENNE     Some years back, our dear hostess was madly in love – you've seen the statue in the corner near her office? GORDIE     That fabulous marble of the hunk?  Sylvester said it was the last piece Arturo ever sculpted. VIVIENNE     The – model – for that was the man she loved. GORDIE     [a little bitchy] Oh, how sweet, and she keeps it to remind her of him? VIVIENNE     He was the one who put her eyes out. END  
2/16/202329 minutes, 59 seconds
Episode Artwork

Exit Strategy by Julie Hoverson (19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week)

Gamers on their way to a convention run afoul of violent criminals on the run.  Can they use their "skillz" to survive? [warning - some violence, language, and mature situations] Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Abby - Beverly Poole Mark - Brian Lomatewama Justin - Mathias Rebne Morgan Brianna - Lyndsey Thomas Tyler - Michael Faigenblum Clark - Brandon O'Brien News Report - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Man - Bill Hollweg Music of DARKEST OF THE HILLSIDE THICKETS!  used with permission Show theme and Incidental Music:  Kevin MacLeod ( Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a van on a road in the middle of nowhere, can't you tell?" _______________________________________ EXIT STRATEGY Cast: Mark - Game Master, in a wheelchair Abby - strategy girl Justin - the driver, Mark's brother Brianna - nurse, dating Tyler Tyler - wiry LARPer, dating Brianna Clark - a criminal Thug - another criminal SOUND     FOOTSTEPS OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a car on a stretch of road in the middle of nowhere, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND      INSIDE CAR NOISES SOUND     Music plays on the radio SOUND     "BING" FROM THE DASHBOARD SOUND     Justin turns down the stereo JUSTIN     We're riding E.  [up] Eyes peeled for a gas station, everybody! MARK     Hey, Justin, remember when it used to be sooo cool to cross the state line? JUSTIN     Yeah - some things just lose their charm as you get older, little bro. MARK     And can drink legally in your own state... ABBY     Don't drink and game.  It dulls your edge. JUSTIN     You've got enough edge for all of us, Abby.  BRIANNA     [slightly off, giggles] I would too. TYLER     [slightly off] That is so great.  You are so great. ABBY     You do realize we can hear you? JUSTIN     Keep it clean back there.  I'll lose my damage deposit on the van if it comes back stained. BRIANNA     Ew!  We were just-- TYLER     [defiant] I was just telling Bree that if she ever got possessed by a demon, I would totally kill her. BRIANNA     [squeaky] Isn't that sweet? ABBY     [baffled] Yeah.  [whispered] What do you think brought on this declaration of undying love? JUSTIN     Tyler brought his DVD player.  I think they're watching Evil Dead. ABBY     Oh. [that explains it] MARK     You guys are all going to help with the "Super Five" tournament, right?  I can count on you? ABBY     Well-- MARK     Well? ABBY     [hesitant] I was checking, and the final round of the "AfterBlast" championship is in the same time slot. MARK     [excited] You really think you have a chance? ABBY     Hell yeah.  I plan to kick ass and take names.  MARK     That rocks.  JUSTIN     I-- I noticed you were the only - um - ABBY     Discernibly female? JUSTIN     Yeah, that - name on the semi-finals roster.  ABBY     Yup.  Time to represent. MUSIC JUSTIN     Pit stop! MARK     Man, you are this close to losing your deposit. JUSTIN     Shit.  Your chair's packed! BRIANNA     I got you, Mark.  SOUND     DOOR SLIDES OPEN, SHIFTING SOUNDS AS SHE GETS OUT SOUND     FRONT DOOR OPENS BRIANNA     Come on, then. TYLER     [teasing, going off] No groping my girl, now. MARK     Hey!  My hand slipped.  Once. BRIANNA     Girl. [snort]  I am a woman. [grunts as she gets Mark on her back]  OK, hold on.  Tyler, got the door? TYLER     [off] Getting it! SOUND     QUICK FOOTSTEPS ON CONCRETE SOUND     DOOR OPENS. MEN'S ROOM SOUND     FLUSH, STALL DOOR OPENS MAN     Hey!  You can't be in here! BRIANNA     Puh-lease.  I'm a nurse.  Almost.  [sarcastic] And you should get that looked at. MUSIC AMBIANCE     NIGHTTIME ROAD, VERY QUIET MUSIC VERY QUIET ON THE STEREO JUSTIN     [quiet] Hey Abby? ABBY     [quiet, tired] Hmm? JUSTIN     Just wanted to see if you're awake. ABBY     Really?  Nice of you to check. JUSTIN     Well... I'm not sure how much farther it is to the motel, and I was starting to fade a bit.  Help keep me on the road? ABBY     [half yawning] Sure.  What's on your mind? JUSTIN     Any chance you and I - you know - sometime? ABBY     [half a laugh]  I've sworn a blood oath not to date any man who can't beat me in a fair game of AfterBlast. JUSTIN     Really? ABBY     Something like that.  No offense, OK?  You're nice.  But we're kind of different worlds. JUSTIN     I used to game--  ABBY     Used to.  You traded in your dice for the corporate world. JUSTIN     It's not that bad-- [sudden change]  Whoah. ABBY     What? JUSTIN     Nothing.  Just - there's headlights behind us.  They weren't there a minute ago. ABBY     Must have come round a corner.  SOUND     CREAK, TURN ABBY     [turned to look] Hmm.  How fast are we going? JUSTIN     Why? ABBY     They're catching up.  Should I wake everybody? JUSTIN     Well...  if there's a crash, they're better off asleep.  Relaxed.  It's a fact - why drunks walk away more often-- ABBY     It's still coming.  Can we get off the road?  JUSTIN     There just isn't any place to go!  The ditches are ... gaping black chasms! ABBY     What's our speed? JUSTIN     Seventy.  So far. SOUND     GROWLING ROAR, GETTING CLOSER ABBY     How much can you push a minivan? JUSTIN     Don't know.  It's a rental. ABBY     All right. [thinking]  Turn off the headlights. JUSTIN     What?  ABBY      There's a good moon - the road is straight as far as I can see right now - can you hold the wheel straight while you're blinded? SOUND     ROARING REVVING APPROACHES JUSTIN      I... guess-- yes. SOUND     HEADLIGHTS TURN OFF JUSTIN     [heavy breathing] ABBY     Once our eyes adjust, we can look for a turnoff - in the dark, with the headlights, we won't see it until it's too late.  JUSTIN     Does that work? ABBY     I don't know.  Yes!  There, to the left, a road. JUSTIN     We're going too fast! ABBY     Start the turn early, and run in at an angle.  It should work.  MARK     [half asleep] Yeah, the roll factors are considerably less-- JUSTIN     Roll factors? MARK     "Street Wars," core manual.  The turn gauge modifiers. JUSTIN     Whatever, here we go! SOUND     SCREECH MUSIC AMBIANCE     OUTSIDE SOUND     TICKING OF THE ENGINE MARK     I'm suitably impressed. JUSTIN     Thanks.  Me too. ABBY     It worked! JUSTIN     A flat tire-- ABBY     Just one. MARK     --is not bad, all things considered. ABBY     [encouraging] Besides you missed the ditch, and the car didn't even flip. MUSIC SOUND     ON THE ROAD AGAIN TYLER     Doesn't this whole thing remind anyone of a movie? JUSTIN     Movie?  What, Texas Chainsaw Massacre? ABBY     Wo!  We do have the right carload for leatherface. MARK     Hey, Justin, don't pick up any strangers, kay?  I don't wanna be the first to die. TYLER     No....  OK, think.  A brother and sister in a car, in the middle of nowhere-- BRIANNA     [helping] In the middle of the day-- TYLER     Run off the road by a huge spooky truck--?  Hmm? MARK     That wasn't a truck.  ABBY     It wasn't? MARK     While you guys were watching the road, I watched it go by - It was big and square-- TYLER     A truck. MARK     No.  Better than that - I saw words on the side. BRIANNA     A truck? MARK     [sigh] Nope.  I must have made a perfect success on my perception roll, though - it was an armored car.  JUSTIN     In the middle of the night?  In the middle of nowhere? ABBY     Radio.  There must be something. SOUND     RADIO ON, SURF CHANNELS, STOP ON AN AD MARK     I like N-P-R. ABBY     News channel, bub. [Moment just listening.] JUSTIN     OK, enough with the ads - give us some news. TYLER     If this was a movie, the minute we switched over, the news bulletin would come on right then.  Cheesy, eh? BRIANNA     It's just a genre convention - a way of condensing all this boring time spent listening to-- JUSTIN     Shh. SOUND     TURNS VOLUME UP NEWS     ...the third armored car hijacking this year, and the second one with fatalities.  Three security guards were injured in the attack-- JUSTIN     Wow.  We should call someone. ABBY     Already on it.  SOUND     CELL PHONE BEEPS ABBY     Damn.  No reception. NEWS     --two are in critical condition.  Pursuers lost the car in a high speed chase when the hijackers realized they were being tracked and dumped the onboard GPS at the side of the road.  JUSTIN     Well, the motel must be close.  They'll have a phone. NEWS     Police believe that one of the hijackers may have been injured in the attack... SOUND      CLICK RADIO OFF - no music here MARK      I thought we were supposed to reach it by ten? JUSTIN     Well, with all you small bladdered people, we had a lot more potty breaks than I allowed for.  And, o'course, getting run off the road...  Changing the tire... TYLER     There was that. BRIANNA     Think your Uncle Joey'll give us a discount for coming in so late - half the night, half price? TYLER     I'll ask him.  [yawns] In the morning, though. MUSIC SOUND     CAR, SNORING FROM ALL BUT JUSTIN SOUND     BUMP, THEN CAR PULLS TO A STOP JUSTIN     [trying to stay awake noise]  Holy crap, I think we're here. ABBY     [waking]  Mmm?  Oh good... JUSTIN     One moment and I'll go and check in... ABBY     No, I'll get it.  Gotta pee anyway.  Small bladder.  [yawns] All that. JUSTIN     [receding] I didn't mean.... SOUND     CAR DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL, DOOR, BELL JINGLES ABBY     Hello?  Hello?  SOUND     RINGS DESK BELL SOUND     DOOR OPENS SOMEWHERE ABBY     [calling]  Look, I'm sorry to be coming in so late!  We had car trouble.  Can we get a room?  [beat]  Hello?  SOUND     FLUSH OF A TOILET ABBY     [needs to pee] Oh, jeez.  [deep shaky breath]  Hello? SOUND     DOOR OPENS CLARK     Hey.  Sorry about that.  I was catching a few.  You want a room? ABBY     Yeah, my friends and I - if you have a room with a couple of queens, we'll be fine. CLARK     Uh, sure.  Probably.  [looking around]  Nobody really here, tonight. ABBY     Could we have the one out on the end, then? CLARK     Don't see why not... um... ABBY     Says here it's room 14. CLARK     There you go.  [unconvincing laugh] So tired my eyes won't focus. SOUND     KEY SLAPPED ON TABLE ABBY     How much? CLARK     Oh, pay when you leave.  ABBY     Hmm.  Are you Joey? CLARK     Joey who? ABBY     [sharp intake of breath, then faking being ditzy]  Sorry - you look a lot like the cousin of a friend of mine.  CLARK     I get that a lot. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENS ABBY     Oh, can I use your bathroom?  It's kind of an emergency. CLARK     [too sharp] No!  I  mean, sorry - no can do.  Absolutely against policy.  Too bad you didn't get a room closer in, eh? ABBY     [flat, suspicious] Yeah. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS, JINGLE MUSIC SOUND     HOTEL ROOM DOOR SHUTS, FEET STUMBLE AROUND, BAGS DOWN, ETC. SOUND     BODY FLOPS ONTO BED JUSTIN     I am dead.  As driver, I call a bed.  SOUND     WHEELCHAIR ROLLS MARK     I'm with you.  SOUND     FLUSH BRIANNA     I suppose Abby and I should share the... other...? I thought she said the room would have two beds? SOUND      DOOR OPENS ABBY     That clerk didn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.  Did you park right next to the door Justin? JUSTIN     [half moan] Yes.  Why? ABBY     I have a bad feeling about all this.  TYLER     Any chance it has something to do with all the spooky movie talk in the car? BRIANNA     And the guy who ran us off the road? ABBY     Maybe.  JUSTIN     Well, unless you're ready to drive - and pay for the extra insurance - We're not moving from this spot until I wake up. ABBY     But the clerk - there was something wrong there.  Really.  God, for a chance at a spot hidden roll. MARK     [more awake] Describe him. BRIANNA     [groans]  Come on - it's beddy-bye time! MARK     Abby's got good instincts, Bree.  You know how hard it is for me to fool her. ABBY     That's just in game.  I'm not-- JUSTIN     [half asleep, but trying]  But you are the only girl-- BRIANNA     [half-hearted] Woman. JUSTIN     --to make it into the ... strategic final thingee-- ABBY     Ok.  Shit I'm tired.  [long deep thinking breath]  He wouldn't let me use the bathroom.  He didn't try and hit on me.  Didn't know which number room was the one on the end.  Didn't ask how many "we" were.  Didn't know which rooms have queen beds.  Didn't ask for a credit card. TYLER     So? He's dead tired too.  Big whoop.  It's [looks] 2 freaking 55 in the morning. MARK     Jeez, folks, we've had sessions which went long past 3!  What's wrong with you? JUSTIN     [muttered into the pillow]  Getting old. MARK     Yeah.  You 25-year old over the hill codger, you.  Abby, what would you do now?  ABBY     What? MARK     This is the scenario.  Right here.  What would you do? TYLER     Sleep. BRIANNA     Seconded. JUSTIN     [Snoring] MARK     Assume it's unlikely we can drive out of here - at least not conveniently.  How would you secure the room? ABBY      [perking up]  We could set watches-- TYLER     [mumbled] Screw you! ABBY     I can't watch all night.  Adrenaline is only good for so long. MARK     That guy struck you that bad? ABBY     Yeah.  I'm probably just-- MARK     Let's assume otherwise.  We have a map - of sorts - on the door there.  Take a look. ABBY     I - well, I got the room on the end, since we'd have a better chance of seeing or hearing anyone coming.  MARK     [chuckles] ABBY     I can't help it.  I'm already in strategy mode.  Ok, the room has windows at the front and back and a bathroom that abuts the next room.  No windows in the end wall.  If we could keep an eye either side-- SOUND     FEET ON CARPET, CURTAIN PULLED ASIDE, THEN WHIPPED BACK INTO PLACE. ABBY     Oh, shit. MARK     What? ABBY     God, I hope no one saw the light.  MARK     I'll turn it off.  Let them think we're asleep.  SOUND     CLICK OF SWITCH MARK     Now? ABBY     It's the truck - car - whatever!    The one that almost ran us off the road! MARK     [gasps]  Are you sure? ABBY     Come and look! MARK     I believe you.  We need everyone if this is a real situation.  Shit. ABBY     There's woods - cover - right out back.  If Tyler was up, he could go look. MARK     He's not going to be up any time soon. ABBY     I know what will-- I'm going to take a chance and get my other bag from the car.  I'll see what I can see.  MARK     I'll try the phone-- ABBY     No! MARK     Why? ABBY     Switchboard - I saw a switchboard in the office.  MARK     Shit.  Major "notice," though.  Good one. SOUND     DOOR OPENS MARK     Abby? ABBY     I'll be careful. MARK     [encouraging] I'm glad it's you. SOUND     DOOR SOFTLY CLOSES MARK      Shit.  SOUND     A moment of just snoring MUSIC      CREEPS IN, JUST A BIT MARK     [snorty, "almost fell asleep" noise]  Abby?  What time--?  Shit.  SOUND     WHEELCHAIR SHIFTS MARK     [urgent hiss] Justin!  Wake up, dammit! JUSTIN     Wha--? MARK     Wake Up! SOUND     DOOR OPENS QUICKLY, FEET COME IN, DOOR SHUTS AGAIN MARK     God!  You nearly gave me a heart attack! ABBY     Sorry - I spotted someone out in the parking lot, just after I got in the van, and I didn't want to move again until it was clear.  JUSTIN     [almost awake] What's going on? ABBY     I'll get Tyler up. MARK     Go for it.  I doubt you'll have much luck. ABBY     Ah, but I have a secret weapon - I always pack a sixer with me to gaming cons.  SOUND     SLOSHING OF LIQUID MARK     [almost drooling] Energy shots. ABBY     Un-huh.  It may take a minute or two, but we'll get everyone up and running. MUSIC TYLER     All you had to do was shout "Bob! Bob is coming!" and I woulda been up and running without the taste of ass - Bob was the demon in the larp last weekend, and man was he-- MARK     Shush.  EVERYONE     [Murmurs of assent] MARK     Let's assume this is not a drill. EVERYONE     [a bit undecided murmurs] ABBY     I know there's something odd here.  I feel it. JUSTIN     Are you sure you're not just jittery about the tourney? ABBY     Probably am, but that doesn't make me think I'm wrong. BRIANNA     [Still groggy] What do you want us to do? MARK     Tyler, are you up for something that could be really dangerous? TYLER     Hell yeah. BRIANNA     [cautioning] Tyler? TYLER     Well, how dangerous? MARK     Abby? ABBY     Out the back window of the room, I think I saw that armored car that nearly ran us down.  It's parked in a dark spot.  If it's really the one, and there's any chance it's the same one that was stolen, there's a good chance we've walked in on a den of thieves.  We need to know.  Can you get within range of it and have a look? TYLER      Gimme a second. SOUND     FEET. CURTAIN MOVES BRIANNA     When you say "really dangerous"--? MARK     They already killed a couple of guys during the holdup.  I can't see them hesitating at shooting a few more bystanders. BRIANNA     Tyler? ABBY     Bree, I've Larped with him, and if anyone can really sneak, it's Folemon. BRIANNA     But that's his character! ABBY     In live action games, there are things you either can do or you can't, and sneaking is‑‑ TYLER     [voice slightly different - "in character" as Folemon]  I spy the brigands' carriage.  I will hence and reconnoiter. BRIANNA     Be careful. TYLER     Fair maiden, with you to return to, I cannot fail.  [kiss on hand]  Douse the lanterns, lest my shadow betray me! MUSIC SOUND     LIGHT TAPPING NOISE, WHICH GOES ON THROUGHOUT JUSTIN     What are you doing? ABBY     What does it look like?  I'm checking for trap doors. JUSTIN     You're joking. BRIANNA     Didn't you see that movie Vacancy?  There was a trapdoor in the bathroom floor.  ABBY     That was so annoying.  They were so stupid about that. JUSTIN     About what? ABBY     Did you see the movie? JUSTIN     Well, no. ABBY     They could have easily blocked the hatch.  But they didn't and ended up fighting guys popping up out of it. BRIANNA     They couldn't block it - they tried.  There wasn't any heavy furniture. ABBY     [derisive laugh]  What do you call this? SOUND     DULL THUMP JUSTIN     A mattress. ABBY     Have you ever had to move one?  From a dead lift?  And if that's not enough, the trapdoor was right next to the tub - you just soak the damn thing and no one - not even Schwarzenegger-- BRIANNA     Well, back in his prime-- ABBY     Is going to be able to shift it. JUSTIN     You ...actually ...thought about this? ABBY     [matter of fact] It's what I do.  SOUND     KNOCKING BRIANNA     Lights out - it's the door.  SOUND     SCUFFLE OF MOVEMENT BRIANNA     Tyler? ABBY     Folemon! TYLER     [muffled] I return triumphant! SOUND     DOOR OPENS AND QUICKLY SHUTS AGAIN, LOCKS TYLER     And, I have a prize! SOUND     TAP ON SOMETHING METAL SOUND     LIGHT CLICKS ON JUSTIN     What the--? MARK     No, that's good.  If we can get to the authorities, we can prove we saw the damn thing. JUSTIN     You coulda taken a picture - you think they're not going to notice a missing license plate? TYLER     [chuckling, full of himself] I think they'll have other things on their mind. ABBY     Oh, god, what did you do? TYLER     I had my thieves tool handy-- JUSTIN     What? BRIANNA     Pocketknife. TYLER     So I hobbled their horses. ABBY     We need to go now. JUSTIN      You did what? BRIANNA     He let the air out of their tires.  Tyler, sweetie, speak English so I can stop translating. TYLER     Hey, what?  They won't be able to come after us-- ABBY     But they will know someone was spying on their truck.  They might not notice the plate, but--  aagh! TYLER     I was... um... in the zone?  My character would have-- MARK     Understandable.  Let's deal with it.  Were there any other cars out there? TYLER     Not out back.  MARK     Justin? JUSTIN     What? MARK     Any other cars out front? JUSTIN     I didn’t notice.  Sorry. MARK     See what happens when you give up gaming?  You lose your edge.  You remember anything Abby? ABBY     Not in the parking lot.  I can take a look. MARK     Hold off.  What do we have for weapons, if it comes to that? JUSTIN     Jack Shit. ABBY     Torchiere for a club.  BRIANNA     No - no heft. ABBY     We can wire the doorknob as a last resort - give someone a bitch of a shock. TYLER     Shh! [They all do.] SOUND     SLIGHT CRUNCH, MIGHT BE FOOT ON GRAVEL MARK     Posts. SOUND     VERY QUIET MOVEMENT ABBY     Uh-uh. BRIANNA     shit. MARK     The front? BRIANNA     Movement. ABBY     Window?  Door?  BRIANNA     Distraction.  [starts moaning, loudly - very sexy] ABBY     Stay out the way of the window.  BRIANNA     Uhh!  [whispered] Watching. [Up] Ohh! TYLER     [joins in] JUSTIN     You won't be able to hear-- ABBY     Neither will they! SOUND     WINDOW SLIDES OPEN WITH A PROTESTING SQUEAL ABBY     Shit.  If we're going out this way, we're doing it sharp and hard. MARK     Out front? TYLER     [still groaning] BRIANNA     Someone's right outside.  Ohh! Just a shadow.  Ohh!  Peeping or about to try something.  Ohh! JUSTIN     This is insane.  This does not happen in real life. MARK     Look, bro- you can play along, and worst that happens is you look like an idiot with the rest of us, or you keep saying it can't be real and maybe take a bullet.  Why not play along? JUSTIN      Shit.  What do you need me to do?  I am not joining that party. [Moans continue intermittently] MARK     Can you see what's at the top of the closet? Usually if there's access to an attic space, that's where it would be. JUSTIN     Sure. MARK     And you're tall enough. JUSTIN     No problem.  [suddenly serious] If this is some psycho situation, you know I won't let anyone get you, right, bro? MARK     Shithead.  Get everyone else out first!  I'm the burden - now get in the damn closet. SOUND     CLOSET DOOR OPENS ABBY     You're not a burden.  MARK     Physically, I'm a drag on the party. ABBY     Mentally, you're the only one keeping us together.  So you can just shut up. MARK     OK, shutting. BRIANNA     He's making a move. MARK     Shit.  SOUND     KNOCK ON THE DOOR BRIANNA     [loud] Ooh!  Oh, shit!  Huh? TYLER     [loud] What the fuck? MARK     Abby?  Where are we? ABBY     Tyler, get behind the door. Ready to slam it if you gotta. TYLER     Check. SOUND     KNOCK AGAIN ABBY     Brianna, the torchiere, stay below the window, trip anyone coming in. BRIANNA     On it. SOUND      KNOCKING INSISTENT ABBY     [trying to make up her mind] Door - wall - wall - door.  Shit! [deep breath, then calling out] What? SOUND     SHIFTING FURNITURE CLARK     You all right in there? ABBY     What? CLARK     I heard a noise. JUSTIN     [whispered] See?  Normal. ABBY     No.  At the very least, he's peeping.  No way he'd hear anything from the office.  [up]  Everything's fine.  We were watching a movie.  MARK     Good one. JUSTIN     Oh, this is idiotic. SOUND     WALKS, UNLOCKS AND FLINGS OPEN DOOR TYLER     Hey! ABBY     No! SOUND     GUNSHOT, BODY DROP JUSTIN     [screams in pain] SOUND     DOOR SLAMS CLARK     [screams in pain] ABBY     Bree, can you get the lock, without getting in front of the door - it's crap, but-- BRIANNA     Done.  Justin - is he--? SOUND     LOCK FUMBLED SHUT JUSTIN     [sounds more annoyed than hurt] I'm shot. ABBY     At least now we know it's not a drill.  SOUND     GUNSHOT, WINDOW SHATTERS ABBY     Down! SOUND     BODIES FALL, WHEELCHAIR RATTLES AND TIPS MARK     Get him.  I'll cover Justin. SOUND     CAUTIOUS STEP ON BROKEN GLASS ABBY     [scream, distracting him] SOUND     FEET TURN ON THE GLASS, GUNSHOT ABBY     Bree! BRIANNA     Yaaaah!  SOUND     THUMP - BODY DROPS CLARK     Yowtch! ABBY     Sit on that bastard.  Tyler, check for backup? SOUND     HEAVY CRUNCH ON GLASS CLARK     [Whimper] TYLER     On it. SOUND     CAR STARTING TYLER     Oh shit - he's in for a surprise.  Front's clear. JUSTIN     You seem to all be ignoring the fact that I've been shot. MARK     I've been applying pressure. JUSTIN     To my mouth. MARK     oh, yeah, I was supposed to be stopping the part that got shot, not the part that shot off, right. ABBY     Brianna, swap - you take a look at Justin, see if we can move him.  I'll hold down the ...fort. TYLER     Fart. [Snickers all around.] CLARK     [Moans, then grunts when Abby turns him over] SOUND     CRACKLE OF GLASS UNDER HIS BODY ABBY     Need something to tie him with.  TYLER     Gotcha.  Thieves tools to the rescue again. SOUND     RIPPING FABRIC - GOES ON FOR A WHILE BRIANNA     Tyler, toss me your flint and steel. SOUND     CATCH, THEN FLASHLIGHT COMES ON BRIANNA     Looks superficial.  I was hoping I knocked you down quickly enough, but I wasn't sure. JUSTIN     I've been shot. BRIANNA     Yes, but not badly.  I'll bandage it in a second. TYLER     Here's your fifty feet of rope... ABBY     Check the back? TYLER     I am fleet enough to be in all places at once. SOUND     ENGINE STOPS TYLER     Oh. ABBY     [grunts as she ties a knot]  OK, shithead.  Talk. CLARK     What? ABBY     Well, we have your gun.  And a pocketknife.  You want to choose which one I do you over with? CLARK     What?  I was just-- ABBY     Shooting in through our door? CLARK     I thought you were - TYLER     Shut up. ABBY     No, let him talk.  I want to hear this. CLARK     Nothing. ABBY     Oh, well.  How many friends you got out there? CLARK     None. ABBY     So that's Christine out back?  Or are you Knight Rider? CLARK     Ow!  No - No!  Stop! JUSTIN     Let me.  I'm the one he shot. CLARK     No!  There's just the two - and B-Ball's shot. ABBY     Anyone else? JUSTIN     Is this what you were doing? CLARK     OWWW!  No, no one! ABBY     What about the real clerk? CLARK     Oh - um - ABBY     Right.  We need to dump this guy somewhere. TYLER     Out back?  ABBY     Chances are, we can get out the front. JUSTIN     Chances?  I don't want-- ABBY     No worries.  Tyler - eyes on the back until I signal, OK? TYLER      Sure thing. BRIANNA     What now? ABBY     We do what we have to do.  Mark, you ready to take a chance? MUSIC SOUND     OUTSIDE - DOOR OPENS SOUND     WHEELCHAIR BUMPS NOISILY OUT THE DOOR ABBY     No shots.  Good.  We're moving out.  Justin, you're behind me and the chair - get your ass into the car and start it.  We'll pile in, peel out, and worry about belts and seats later. JUSTIN     Are you sure this is safe? ABBY     Nope.  Tyler?  Got the rear? TYLER     Got it. ABBY      Bree, you're first in.  I'll cover you. SOUND     GUN CLICKS READY BRIANNA     Check.  Hold tight! SOUND     WHEELCHAIR GRINDS ALONG THE GROUND TYLER     He's coming!  ABBY     Everyone - Move!  Justin - get it in gear! JUSTIN      Yeah... SOUND     JINGLE OF KEYS, THEY DROP TO THE GROUND JUSTIN     Shit! ABBY     Dammit!  Bree, get your ass to the other side of the car! SOUND     HEAVY FEET RUNNING ON GRAVEL TYLER     I'll-- SOUND     GUNSHOT ABBY     You'll go.  Move it.  I'll cover you.  [solemn] Don't fumble the keys. TYLER     I won't. SOUND     RUNNING FEET TAKE OFF ACROSS THE GRAVEL, snatch up the keys. SOUND     GUNSHOT ABBY     [Gasps as she shoots]  Damn, that's a kick. SOUND     GUNSHOT SOUND     CAR DOOR OPENS ABBY     Yessss! SOUND     ABBY SHOOTS SOUND     SIDE DOOR SLIDES OPEN ABBY     [yelling] Stop shooting at the crip, you scumbag!  You'll be sorry! SOUND     WHEELCHAIR MOVES SLOWLY, ODD FOOTSTEPS AS ABBY CROUCHES BEHIND IT ABBY     Nice to have friends, isn't it? SOUND     GUNSHOT ABBY     [yelling] You really should stop that!  THUG     [evil laugh] ABBY     I told him. TYLER     Come on! ABBY     Bye-bye SOUND     WHEELCHAIR PUSHED, ROLLS SOUND     GUNSHOT SOUND     GRUNT OF PAIN [CLARK] SOUND     RUNNING FEET SOUND     CAR REVVING SOUND     JUMP SOUND     GUNSHOT, PINGS OFF METAL OF CAR TYLER     [grunting to pull her in] Come on! SOUND     CAR MOVES, FEET DRAG BRIANNA     Here. SOUND     GRAB, DRAG ABBY     [grunting] SOUND     DOOR SLAMS SOUND     TIRES SPIN IN GRAVEL, CAR ZOOMS OFF ABBY     [sigh] OK, whose lap am I in? MARK     Mine.  Sorry about that. ABBY     Hey, we're all here, no one got shot-- JUSTIN     I did! MARK     And we had to dump my chair... ABBY     No one got killed, and we're back on the road.  I'm gonna feel like shit for the tourney, but who gives a crap?  [giggles] [All join in the hysterical relieved laughter.] MUSIC SOUND     OUTSIDE ROAD - MORNING NOISES ABBY     [waking up noises, suddenly awake with a gasp] MARK     [whispering]  Shh.  It's ok-- SOUND     RUSTLE AS SHE TRIES TO SIT UP ABBY     Was it - It was a dream? MARK     Hell no.  But once you passed out, we figured you deserved it.  Let you sleep. ABBY     Oh... MARK     Hey Justin?  When's the next bathroom? BRIANNA     And a phone. JUSTIN     Like anyone's gonna believe us.  BRIANNA     You did get shot. TYLER      And I still have my trophy. SOUND     PING AGAINST METAL OF LICENSE PLATE MARK     Shh.  Abby's out again.  ABBY     Hmm?  [rousing herself] Like hell!  Justin?  Crank the music!! END  
2/9/202328 minutes, 24 seconds
Episode Artwork

When Yellow Casts a Crimson Shadow by Julie Hoverson (19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week)

Thanks for your patience!  Winter is tough. ______________________________________________ This episode includes graphic violence, archiac psychiatric attitudes and terminology, gaslighting, and misogyny.  It was written intentionally to emulate the style of Italian "GIALLO" thriller films of the 1970s and 80s. ______________________________________________ Hot chicks in peril, black leather-gloved killer, faces through plate glass, badly-dubbed voices, and lots and lots of the red stuff! Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Dr. Silver - Anthony D.P. Mann Jessica - Julie Hoverson Adrienne - Robyn Keyes Dana - Kate Waterous Chris - Tanja Milojevic Inspector Gules - Glen Hallstrom Manager - Dru Williams Voice on Phone - Lord Blood-Rah Cop1 - Desmond Reddick (Dread Media) Cop2 - Miguel Guerreiro ( Coroner - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Detective - Caretaker (Graveyard Show) Music:  Professor Kliq Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it?  Why it's a psychiatrist's office, can't you tell?" ________________________________________   WHEN YELLOW CASTS A CRIMSON SHADOW Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Jessica Dr. Silver Dana Adrienne Chris Detective Gules Manager Voice Cop1 Cop2 Detective Coroner OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a psychiatrist's office, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND      LOW MUSIC PLAYS SOUND     DOOR OPENS JESSICA     Dr. Silver? SILVER Ah, you must be Jessica. Come in!  Come in.  Your father has spoken of you often. JESSICA     Mm.  He told me to come to you if I.... needed anything. SILVER Come in! Sit down!  I can't tactfully say I am pleased to see you, but I can heartily say I am most happy to make your acquaintance. JESSICA     Oh.  Yeah.  Thanks. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS QUIETLY, SHE CROSSES ROOM AND SITS SILVER There. Now tell me what I can do for you. JESSICA     Since I moved to Florence, I've - I've been doing really well.  Sleeping.  Even without the drugs. SILVER You haven't been taking your prescriptions? JESSICA     My doctor back home said I could cut back some - once I started feeling better. SILVER Your doctor--? JESSICA     Dr. Gelb.  Joan Gelb? SILVER Ah, yes, I am familiar with some of her work. Go on. JESSICA     Go... on? SILVER You had a reason for coming to me, didn't you? JESSICA     Oh!  Yes.  [very down] The dreams. SILVER [after a beat] Yes? JESSICA     Well, I came here to attend university.  And be closer to my father. SILVER He is not in the United States? JESSICA     No.  He's on diplomatic attachment in the Netherlands - [amused] but I don't understand any Dutch. SILVER [chuckles] JESSICA     So I found a room with three other girls from the college.  They're all models.  To pay for their classes.  Well, except Dana - she just models for fun...  Sorry.  That's probably not important.  SILVER Don't let it worry you. Go at your own pace. JESSICA     Can I have a piece of paper? SILVER You want to take notes? [teasing]  That's really my job. JESSICA     No, no!  It helps me concentrate.  Please? SOUND     PAPER RIPPED FROM NOTEBOOK, PASSED OVER JESSICA     Thank you. SOUND     PAPER FOLDED, TORN - UNDER THROUGHOUT JESSICA     So, Dana, Chris, and Adrienne - are all gorgeous.  I'm the mouse.  [heavy sigh] Don't get me wrong - they're all very nice. SILVER But you are a bit jealous? JESSICA     They've all got legs all the way up to their shoulders! SILVER [musing] A woman with legs up to her shoulders might be missing a heart. JESSICA     [startled, laughs, relaxes a bit]  I like that.  But, they're nice - really nice. SILVER You're lucky. Good friends are hard to find. JESSICA     Yes... [trails off, sighs, then absently]  The dream. SILVER Whenever you're ready. JESSICA     You're going to think I'm horrible! SILVER Nonsense. Dreams are primarily symbolic, and everyone dreams about things they are embarrassed by.  I promise not to judge you. JESSICA     [gulps, long breath] In the dream, I come home.  Our apartment is on the top floor, so I walk up and up the endless stairs.  It's the type that goes round and round an open space.  [her voice slowly picks up an echo, as if in a stairwell] You know, where you can look all the way down to the ground floor - as long as you don't have to worry about vertigo? SOUND [under]      FOOTSTEPS ECHOING UP THE STAIRWELL SILVER Mm. JESSICA     And the door was ... open. JESSICA [under] Hello? JESSICA     I pushed it the rest of the way, and went in.  And everything was red.  Red on the walls.  I couldn't understand.  All I could think was - did we repaint? SILVER Yes? JESSICA     And then I looked up and saw the light fixture.  It was red too.  Red and dripping.  [slowly] Slowly dripping. SILVER [after a pause] Is that when you woke? JESSICA     [hollow, numb] No.  [coming back]  Can I have another piece of paper?  I'll trade you. SILVER A crane? Very nice. JESSICA     It was... part of my therapy. SOUND     PAPER RIPS, PASSED OVER, MORE FOLDING BEGINS SILVER Still... very nice. JESSICA     Thanks.  [deep breath]  I went into the next room.  [half a chuckle]  Out of the foyer into the frying pan.  [lame laugh]  You must think I'm awful, to be able to joke at a time like this! SILVER No. Humor is a very common way to deal with painful circumstances.  Don't concern yourself with what I think. JESSICA     Adrienne was in the sitting room.  [trying not to choke up]  Dead.  She was - all cut up, and the mirror next to the kitchen door was smashed and bloody.  I could see my reflection in the shards ....sticking ...out of her ...eyes. JESSICA [tinny] [screams] SILVER [after a short moment] Was that where the dream ended? JESSICA     [trying to be chipper]  Yes.  Just that.  Just... seeing her dead. SILVER I'd... like to venture an interpretation of this dream that might help you... come to terms with it. JESSICA     Yes? SILVER It's a manifestation of a deep-seated jealousy. JESSICA     I'm not jealous! SILVER It's normal - don't worry. She's a beautiful model and you want to see yourself in her eyes as she appears to yours.  JESSICA     [brightening] Really?  But it was so bloody. SILVER Symbolism again. Red is the color of jealousy and passion.  Nothing more. MUSIC SOUND     HER FOOTSTEPS ECHO UP ENDLESS STAIRWAY SOUND     HEAVY FOOTSTEPS BELOW SOUND     HER FOOTSTEPS STOP SOUND     A COUPLE OF HEAVY FOOTSTEPS, APPROACHING SOUND     HER FOOTSTEPS, RUNNING UP THE STAIRS SOUND     SHE PAUSES AGAIN JESSICA     [heavy breathing, trying to be quiet and listen] SOUND     NO FOOTSTEPS SOUND     THUMPING SOUNDS APPROACH - SETS OF FOUR SOUND     TURNS OUT TO BE A BALL COMING DOWN THE STAIRS SOUND     SHE CATCHES THE BALL JESSICA     [sigh, chuckle] CHILD     [strangely bland] My ball! JESSICA     [gasp, almost a scream]  Oh!  [more normal] I've got it. SOUND     HER STEPS BEGIN AGAIN MUSIC SOUND     DOOR OPENS DANA     [lecturing] I only eat chocolate off a man. JESSICA     [gasp] CHRIS     Ha!  What a line to come in on!  Dana was just explaining her perfect diet plan. ADRIENNE     It makes perfect sense - work up a sweat, then have all the chocolate you want! JESSICA     You girls. DANA     Don't tell me you wouldn't, if you had a chance? JESSICA     Well... CHRIS     Maybe she doesn’t like chocolate! ADRIENNE     Maybe she doesn't like men. JESSICA     I like chocolate!  My father sent me some cocoa - the good Dutch kind. DANA     I'm surprised you like men any more, Adrienne, after all that bastard Alberto put you through. ADRIENNE     Don't get me started.  [beat]  You should really be allowed to shoot men when you're through with them.  CHRIS     I'd have a trail of bodies stretching to the sunset. JESSICA     Are there any more of those apples? DANA     Catch! SOUND      CATCHING AN APPLE CHRIS     What would we do when we run out of men? ADRIENNE     [bitter, haunted] Not all men, just the ones who want to track you down and torment you. DANA     He didn’t! CHRIS     Again? JESSICA     [bites into apple, then chewing]  What? DANA      You should tell her. ADRIENNE     It makes me sound like such a victim. DANA     Why do you think she never does bikini shots? CHRIS     She's moved three times in the past year - but he always finds her. DANA     She's got the scars to prove it. MUSIC SOUND     SOFT MUSIC PLAYS SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN, HURRIED FEET ENTER JESSICA     It  happened again! SILVER Calm down, Jessica. JESSICA     I'm - I'm so sorry to burst in here like this-- SILVER Sit down. JESSICA     But I - I can't concentrate on anything today-- SOUND     PAPER RIPPING FROM NOTEBOOK SILVER Here. Now sit. SOUND     SHE SNATCHES THE PAPER, FLAPS IT JESSICA     Thank you.  Are you sure it's ok? SILVER I've got plenty of paper. JESSICA     [chuckles] No, I mean-- [sighs] Thank you. SOUND     SHE SITS, BEGINS FOLDING JESSICA     I feel like such a fool. SILVER It obviously upset you. Sharing will make you feel better.  You had another dream? JESSICA     No!  That's the weird part - it was the same dream! SILVER The same? JESSICA     Well, it started the same.  Going up the stairs, and the blood on the light, and ... [almost a whisper] Adrienne. SILVER And...? JESSICA     It was all the same - except the ending.  SILVER How did it end, then? JESSICA     It didn't.  I mean - it went on, from where I woke up before.  SILVER Hmm. JESSICA     I was staring at myself in the mirror shards - but then I realized it wasn't me.  Not Jessica.  Not this time - that was different.  SILVER Who was in the reflection? JESSICA     I think it was.... the killer! [NOTE - now the voices in the consulting room are tinny, as the scene plays out underneath] SOUND     [repeat of Jessica's scream from the first dream, which trails off into a weird noise of breathing] SOUND     FOOTSTEPS WALK SLOWLY THROUGH SQUISHY BLOODY PUDDLE SILVER Be as specific as you want. You won't shock me.  You can give me every detail. JESSICA      I can smell the blood.  It's everywhere.  SILVER It's quite a distinctive smell. JESSICA      Yes. SOUND     DOOR PUSHED SLOWLY OPEN, FOOTSTEPS MOVE INTO DRY SPACE SOUND     SQUEAK AS KNIFE IS CLEANED OFF - LEATHER AGAINST METAL SOUND     FOUR TAPS OF KNIFE AGAINST WOOD JESSICA      It was Dana's room.  And she was sleeping. SILVER So this was nighttime? JESSICA      [slightly confused] I don't know.  Dana sleeps late.  SILVER Jessica - in the dream, are you Jessica, or are you the killer? JESSICA      I - I'm not sure.  I'm not... thinking in the dream, just seeing and feeling... and smelling.  I can't see a face - even in the mirrors - I just knew it was the killer looking back at me, but I couldn't tell you what he...I...looked like. SILVER [too interested] What are you wearing? JESSICA      Boots.  Black.  Leather gloves.  I move toward Dana's bed... SOUND     CREAK OF THE LEATHER GLOVES SILVER Do you stab her too? JESSICA      [offhand] Oh, Adrienne wasn't stabbed - at least... that wasn't how she died.  She was strangled.  SOUND     CREAK OF LEATHER DANA     [gasps, awakens, tries to breathe] SOUND     CLAWING AT LEATHER, SHAKING OF BED, POUNDING SILVER And then she died? JESSICA      Oh, no.  That would be too quick.  I let up just in time - she's out. SILVER [licks his lips] Do you tie her up? JESSICA      Yes.  I tie her to the bed frame.  Up and down. SILVER What is she wearing? JESSICA      A scarlet negligee.  She got it after one of her modeling shoots - the picture is on the wall over the bed.  Huge.  Her.  Posed in red.  Enticing. SOUND     [tinny] CRUMPLE OF PAPER SILVER And then...? JESSICA      [coming out of it]  I-I- can I have another piece of paper? SILVER [breathing a bit heavily, trying to calm down] Of course. SOUND     PAPER TORN RATHER CLUMSILY OUT OF NOTEBOOK - RIPS IN HALF SILVER Damn. What will you make? SOUND     TEARS ANOTHER PIECE, SHE SNATCHES IT AWAY FROM HIM, BEGINS FOLDING JESSICA      A box.  I feel like I'm in a box. SILVER Perhaps you should make something more... open. Something you can get out of. JESSICA      Maybe next time. SILVER All right. Was there more to the dream? JESSICA      A little.  After Dana woke up.  SILVER [trying to hide his excitement] What happened? JESSICA      [evasive] I just... killed her. MUSIC ESCALATES SOUND     STABBING - SETS OF FOUR DANA     [Screaming, begging, gurgling] SOUND     SPLATTER DANA     [gurgling] SOUND     A COUPLE MORE KNIFE STABS DANA     [death rattle] SOUND     DRIPPING SOUND     WIPING KNIFE WITH GLOVES AGAIN MUSIC SOUND     FOOTSTEPS IN STAIRWELL, STOP FOR A SECOND SOUND     FAR AWAY, DOOR OPENS JESSICA     [sigh] SOUND     TWO STEPS SOUND     DOOR NEARBY SLAMS OPEN SOUND     FEROCIOUS DOG!!!!! JESSICA     [screams, then smothers it] SOUND     SCRABBLING OF DOG NAILS ON TILE FLOOR JESSICA     Mrs. Amarelo!  Mrs. Amarelo!  Please! MUSIC SOUND     TEAPOT WHISTLING, TAKEN OFF, WATER POURS JESSICA     [talking loudly to someone in another room] She really needs to keep that dog on a shorter leash.  She's lucky I didn't jump back and fall down the stairs. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, SLIPPERED FEET IN DANA     [half awake]  Mm.  Coffee? JESSICA     [silly!] Cocoa.  [gasp] Oh! DANA     You don't like it?  It's imported French lace. JESSICA     I'm just not used to-- DANA     And red is such a good color on me. ADRIENNE     [calling from the other room] --she's just shy. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS COME IN ADRIENNE     [close] Haven't you ever wondered, Jessica? JESSICA     [disturbed]  Wondered... what? SOUND     A COUPLE OF STEPS DANA     Mmm? ADRIENNE     What it would be like with a woman? JESSICA     [disturbed] Um - no.  Uh, I don't even know anyone who does-- ADRIENNE     Anyone who you KNOW does, anyway. JESSICA     Um... I guess. SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN CHRIS     [freaking out, out of breath] Oh, god!  SOUND     DOOR SLAMS SHUT, BODY THUMPS AGAINST IT ADRIENNE     What's wrong?  Sit down! SOUND     DOOR LOCKS JESSICA     Cocoa? CHRIS     Thanks!  [sips, then shudders in a breath] ADRIENNE     What happened? CHRIS     [gasping it out] On the street.  A gun! It was so loud!  DANA     Someone was shot?  I'm phoning the police. ADRIENNE     Give her a minute!  She's nearly hysterical! CHRIS     No!  No!  Call them!  The sooner I tell, the sooner he'll be caught! JESSICA     Did you see the guy? CHRIS     Uh-huh! [yes] MUSIC SOUND     LOW MUSIC PLAYS SOUND     PAPER FOLDING JESSICA     I have this awful feeling-- SILVER Yes? JESSICA     That this is all... some kind of premonition. SILVER You think you're seeing something that might happen in the future? JESSICA     It would make so much sense. SILVER Is there anything in the dream that makes you think it will happen? JESSICA     Like what? SILVER Something with the date? A newspaper, perhaps? JESSICA     [concentrating]  Mmm, no.  None of us really reads the papers.  Magazines, yes, but they don't come out that often.  [beat] And they all kind of look the same. SILVER Have you ever had a dream - any dream - come true in the past? JESSICA     What?  [half a chuckle] No! SILVER Then I think you are safe. [teasing, fatherly] But make sure to lock your door. JESSICA     [laughs a bit] SILVER [getting back on track] So. The dream came back.  Again. JESSICA     [quiet, sad] Yes. SILVER And it was--? JESSICA     Longer. SILVER [avid] So once again, you saw your first two friends strangled and tortured and-- [swallows] mutilated. JESSICA     Yes.  SILVER And then? What about your third friend - what was her name? JESSICA     Chris.  [numb]  Chris was in the hall.  She must have heard the commotion with Dana.  I... feel like the killer was - ummmm - surprised.  Like he didn't expect her to be there. SILVER Why do you say that? JESSICA     I don't know.  Just that he - I - had to chase her down. SILVER Be specific. JESSICA     I came out of Dana's bedroom-- [office voices go tinny] SOUND     SQUISHING FOOTSTEPS, WIPE FEET AND STEP ONTO TILE SOUND     DOOR OPENS CHRIS     Dana?  What?  Oh, god!  [screams] JESSICA     I hesitate, stunned.  Just long enough for her to run back into her room. SOUND     DOOR SLAMS SOUND     HEAVY FEET RUN, SLAM INTO DOOR CHRIS     [muffled] No!  No! SOUND     SLAM INTO DOOR, WOOD CREAKS AND CRACKS JESSICA     There's such a - a rush as the door gives way. SILVER Where is Chris? JESSICA     She's pressed again the window, outlined in light from the pink and red neon across the street. SILVER Ahhhh. What is she wearing? JESSICA     Silk.  A blue slip-- SILVER Blue? Are you sure? JESSICA     Yes.  Why? SILVER The neon light - it might be deceptive. JESSICA     I saw it in the hall. SILVER Ahhh. What color is her hair?  JESSICA     Chris?  She has long straight blonde hair.  SILVER And very pretty. JESSICA     Yes. SILVER Mmmmm. SOUND     WINDOW SLAMS OPEN JESSICA     I raise the knife and she screams again, trying to climb out the window. SILVER Can she? JESSICA     We're six stories up.  That's why there's all those stairs. SILVER Do you... cut her? JESSICA     Better.  I set the knife aside again-- SOUND     LEATHER ON METAL JESSICA      --and take her by the throat.  The black leather of the gloves looks strange in the neon pink glow - especially against her pale white throat. SILVER Does she struggle? JESSICA     Like a fiend.  She strikes and kicks, but it is all in vain.  [coming out of it] The killer must be a man. SILVER [startled out] Um? Of course--  Um, [swallows, clears throat] The um - the killer in the dream. JESSICA     That's what I meant. SILVER Right. More paper? SOUND     RIPS PAPER OUT OF NOTEBOOK JESSICA     Thanks. SOUND     TAKES IT, STARTS FOLDING SILVER You've made me quite a little collection here. What’s this one? JESSICA     A knife.  SILVER [amused] A paper knife. And this? JESSICA     A shrew. SILVER No more cranes? JESSICA     Cranes are peaceful.  I haven't been feeling very... peaceful. SILVER Do you want to continue? JESSICA     Don't you have another appointment? SILVER No. Your case is fascinating, so I cleared some extra time for you. JESSICA     Oh.  All right. SILVER At least follow the dream to the conclusion. JESSICA     Where was I? SILVER [too quick] You were strangling Chris. SOUND     STRANGLING NOISES UP AGAIN SOUND     HAND POUNDING AGAINST GLASS [voices go tinny again] JESSICA     Right.  Then she passed out. SOUND     STRUGGLE STOPS, SQUEAK OF HAND SLIDING DOWN PANE SILVER Gooood. SOUND     ROPE PASSING THROUGH HANDS SILVER And--? JESSICA     I took the cord from the blinds and wrapped it around her neck. SILVER Strangling her? Again?  Why? JESSICA     It wasn't tied that tight. SILVER Then, what? JESSICA     Then I cut her a little.  Not deep.  Just enough to see red - just enough for the blood to flow.  Shoulders.  Thighs.  Chest.  It took a long time for her to wake up again. SILVER Did you cut her blue slip off? JESSICA     It's not blue any more.  Now it's wet and dark in strange rivulet patterns.  So is the floor. SILVER And then? JESSICA     Her eyes open - and once again I see my own reflection twice in one face.  And this time I can almost make out who I am.  If it weren't for that darn pink neon, I might be able to. SILVER Does SHE recognize you? JESSICA     [dismissively] Maybe.  She tries to scream.  But I already gagged her.  [little sigh]  She was asleep a long time. SILVER Uh-huh? JESSICA     I pull her up by her hair - her long blonde lovely hair.  The word "tresses" pops into my mind. SILVER Tresses. That's a good word. JESSICA     She squirms and tries to escape.  Her eyes plead with me.  But I don't waver.  I show her the knife and she closes her eyes.  I run the hilt of the knife over her forehead and she squeals - when really all I want to do is press her eyelids open. SILVER She can't understand that, can she? JESSICA     I just want her to see.  She was always a big one for seeing things. SILVER See what? JESSICA     The window. SILVER Is there something outside? JESSICA     Not yet. SILVER Oh? JESSICA     As soon as her eyelids flutter open, I turn her toward the window and slam her face into it, shattering the glass.  Something breaks in her, too, and I hear her muffled agony. SILVER Her nose? JESSICA     I don't know, since as soon as the glass is gone, I push her out. SILVER On the cord? JESSICA     She dances so prettily.  SILVER Do the people outside see? JESSICA     No, the music from the club with the neon is very loud, and no one ever looks up. SILVER What about the blood? JESSICA     I don’t know.  I woke up. SILVER [breathing heavily, calming down] JESSICA     What do you think? SILVER We definitely have some work to do. You'll see me each afternoon for a while - can you promise me you will? JESSICA     Of course, if you think it's important. SILVER Very. And here is my home number-- SOUND     SCRIBBLING ON A CARD SILVER --In case anything else comes to mind. JESSICA     You're sure you don't mind if I call you? SILVER No. Of course not.  In fact, I insist.  I am here for you. MUSIC AMB     STREET, NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE AROUND SOUND     JESSICA'S STEPS, HURRYING SOUND     A STRANGE TAPPING NOISE - SETS OF FOUR - GETTING CLOSER SOUNDS     SHE SPEEDS UP SOUND     THE TAPPING GETS CLOSER SOUND     SHE SPEEDS UP MORE JESSICA     [gasping] SOUND     GRAB AND FLING OPEN DOOR SOUND     FEET RUN INTO BUILDING SOUND     DOOR SLAMS SHUT JESSICA     [breathing heavily]  SOUND     TAPS GO PAST OUTSIDE JESSICA     [sighs, almost laughs] MANAGER     [off slightly] Scotomaphobia? JESSICA     [gasps] SOUND     THUMP AS SHE RECOILS JESSICA     What?  Mr. Cramoisie?  You - you startled me! SOUND     CIGARETTE CRUSHED OUT MANAGER     The fear of going blind. JESSICA     Huh? Me? MANAGER     I saw you run from the white stick.  [chuckles] And I don't know a word for fear of a blind man. MUSIC SOUND     DOOR OPENS TENTATIVELY JESSICA     [clearly worried] Hello? ADRIENNE     Jess?  Is there something wrong? JESSICA     [sigh of relief]  No.  Nothing.  Glad to be home. SOUNDS     STEPS COME IN, DOOR SHUTS SOUND     REMOVING COAT, ETC. DANA     I was just putting on some tea - want some? JESSICA     No, thanks.  Save me some water, though? ADRIENNE     You and your cocoa.  Come in here - we’ve got company. SOUND     A FEW SLOW STEPS JESSICA     Oh?  Hello. GULES     Ah.  This must be your other roommate.  Very pleased.  Four such lovely ladies, [slightly ominous] all alone. CHRIS     This is Detective Gules.  That is Jessica.  Sit down Jessie.  JESSICA     Detective? SOUND     CHAIR CREAKS AS SHE SITS CHRIS     He's investigating - um - [whispered] what I saw yesterday. GULES     We suspect the murder she witnessed was gangster-related, and are concerned for her safety.  Your safety, too.  This isn't a very secure building.  You don't even have grilles on the windows. DANA     Pssht!  We're six floors up!  Who needs grilles!  Here, Jess.  Water-- SOUND     MUG SET DOWN DANA     And your precious cocoa. SOUND     TIN SOUND     SPOON DROPPED INTO MUG DANA     [to the room, teasing] I wouldn't dare measure it for you. JESSICA     [laughs]  That's perfect, Dana, thanks.  SOUND     MIXES UP THE COCOA GULES     I'm trying to convince Chris to let me take her into protection.  [getting darker] We want to make sure she stays where we can put our hands on her. MUSIC SOUND     PHONE PICKED UP JESSICA     Hello?  VOICE     [harsh whisper]  Four girls.  Could be three.  Or one. JESSICA     Who is this?  You're scaring me. VOICE     Will it be you? JESSICA     I'm hanging up now! SOUND     PHONE SLAMMED DOWN DANA     [worried] Jess?  Who was that? JESSICA     A heavy breather.  You know the type. DANA     I didn’t even hear the phone ring. JESSICA     Oh?  Umm... I must have picked it up just as it was starting.  Who did you think it was? DANA     Oh, Michel.  My brother.  He's been asking for money again.  JESSICA     What's wrong this time? DANA     Same old shit.  Someone's going to break his legs.  Someone's going to kill his dog.  [disgusted noise]  He ran through his half of the inheritance years ago. JESSICA     And you don't feel sorry for him? DANA     I felt one hundred thousand dollars sorry for him, and that was in the first month after he flushed all his cash down one toilet and another.  Since then.  [shrug]  Not so damn sorry. MUSIC SOUND     SNORING [Dr. Silver] SOUND     PHONE RINGS SOUND     PHONE PICKED UP SILVER [not awake] mmm Hello? JESSICA     [on phone, hysterical] Doctor?  Please?  Something terrible has happened! SILVER [snapping awake, but still groggy] Jessica? Wha-what's going on? JESSICA     [on phone] You have to come, Doctor!  I need help!  [backs off and screams] SOUND     [on phone] PHONE DROPS, THUMPS A FEW TIMES. SOUND     BED CLOTHES FLUNG OFF MUSIC SOUND     DOC'S FEET COMING UP THE STAIRS, QUICKLY SILVER [reading door numbers] 601... 602...? JESSICA     [moan]  SILVER Jessica? What has happened? JESSICA     D-doctor?  SILVER Come out here. My god - what--? JESSICA     A nosebleed.  I - I get them sometimes. SILVER With the dreams? JESSICA     Uh-huh. SILVER Why are you out here in the hall? JESSICA     I didn’t want to wake anyone. SILVER They're your friends. They will surely understand.  Let's go inside.  [suave] Maybe have some of your famous cocoa? JESSICA     [small laugh]  That would be nice. SILVER Invite me in? SOUND     DOOR OPENS JESSICA     You're invited. SOUND     A COUPLE OF STEPS, A SLIGHT SQUISH SILVER [slight shock] What? MUSIC JESSICA     [sips, then] The dream was sooo bad this time. SILVER [grunt] JESSICA     Then I found these-- SOUND     SLAP OF LEATHER GLOVES JESSICA     And suddenly everything started to be so real.  But it can't be, can it? SILVER [grunt] JESSICA     I hoped I would wake up, and the gloves would be gone, but here they are. SOUND     GLOVES CREAK SILVER [agreeing grunt] JESSICA     It's really good isn't it?  Is it too hot for you? SILVER [slight overreaction negative grunt] JESSICA     My father sent it.  From the Netherlands.  He's always somewhere else.  I mean somewhere else from where I am, anyway.  Did I tell you how my mother died? SILVER [negative] JESSICA     She committed suicide when I was 5.  I found her.  Dr. Gelb says that's why I can't sleep.  She says I can never forget my mother's dead eyes.   SILVER Hmm? JESSICA     They looked at me, but they weren't really her any more, you know? SILVER Hmm. JESSICA     [briskly] But this is all beside the point.  I'm so glad the girls are heavy sleepers.  So we can talk. SILVER Mm-hmm. JESSICA     [very important]  I finally saw myself in the dream. SILVER Mmm? JESSICA     I mean, I, in the killer's eyes, saw me - Jessica.  Do you know how frightening that could be?  The idea that I could not only watch myself be butchered, but that I would somehow be behind the eyes of the one doing it? SILVER [sigh] JESSICA     [sips]  SOUND     SETS DOWN CUP, PICKS UP PIECE OF PAPER, STARTS FOLDING JESSICA     Somehow, when I have a piece of paper in my hands, the dream fades into something that might have been on the television. SILVER Hmm. JESSICA     [beat, then] Once Chris was dead, the killer must have pulled her back in.  She was on the bed, starred with glass in the dark.  Pink stars, catching the neon. SILVER Mmm. JESSICA     I watch his black gloved hand push open my own bedroom door.  I'm lying on the bed, tossing in my sleep.  SILVER Umm. JESSICA     The knife in my - his - hand leads me to the bed.  To the woman.  To me. SILVER Umm? JESSICA     [agreeing] I know.  SOUND     [off slightly]  DOOR SLAMS OPEN JESSICA     What? COP1     [off] Oh my god! COP2     [off] [trying not to hurl] SOUND     HER SQUISHY, STICKY BARE FOOTSTEPS JESSICA     [way too calm, calling]  Chris?  Did you call for the police?  [to the police] You should have knocked. COP1     What the hell?  What... the ... hell! COP2     Is all that...blood? JESSICA     What?  Oh, the nosebleed.  Sorry, I should have changed into something fresh.  Would you like some cocoa? COP1     [calling back over his shoulder] Watch where you step! MUSIC     SOUND     GURNEY AFTER GURNEY BEING WHEELED OUT BEHIND THEM SOUND     DOG BARKING DOWN THE HALL, KEEPS GOING COP1     It's bad, sir. COP2     You might want some shoe covers. DETECTIVE     Who could have done such an awful thing? COP2     Someone crazy.  Truly out of his mind. DETECTIVE     Or her mind. COP1     Do you have any reason to suspect a woman? DETECTIVE     [shrug] I suspect everyone.  How many bodies? CORONER     Four bodies.  And one clinging to life. DETECTIVE     And the smell? CORONER     Rotting flesh.  [long sniff]  Been lying here several days, if I don't miss my guess.  MUSIC end
2/3/202331 minutes
Episode Artwork

Project Top Hat by Julie Hoverson (19 Nocturne Boulevard Reissue of the Week)

once more, we return to the world of zombies.... Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson [warning - foul language] ******************************************************************* Tammuz Corporation has barely settled back in as top producer of undead workforce, when something much worse comes out of R&D.   Cast List Fred - Leonard Streeper June - Melissa Bartell Dill - Mark Olson Chambers - Dave Marshall Dr. Plasmus - Kim Poole Landon Frost - Chris Barnes Pamela Frost - Julie Hoverson Doctor - James Sedgwick Nurse - Rachel Cavic Interviewer - Russell Gold Music by Kevin MacLeod of Cover art by Julie Hoverson INTERLUDES: Cricket - Reynaud LeBoeuf, Julie Hoverson, M. Siero Garcia, Katy Fontenot Courtroom - Carl Cubbedge, Tanja Milojevic Champion Chum - Katy Fontenot, Rachel Cavic, Reynaud LeBoeuf Save the Zombies - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard New Year's Head Swaps - Justin Charles, Crystal Dennis Life Insurance - Joe Stofko Big Bob's - Richard Summers Lecturer - Robert Cudmore Classroom - Janny Hilverts, Katy Fontenot, Sirena Carroll, Mike Campbell, James Sedgwick, Julie Hoverson Zombie Show - Gareth Bowley Survivalists - Dave Fontenot, Matthew McLean "Working Stiff" - Chris Stockett Edna's Chum - M. Siero Garcia Scam - Rick Lewis Zombie Lib - Derek Koch Old Zombie Spice - Morgan Brown "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a secret lab, deep in the Tammuz Corporation, can't you tell?" ***************************************************************************************   Project Top Hat Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Landon Frost, TV show host Pamela Frost, his wife Fred and June Doctor Plasmus, top researcher Chambers - executive Dill - less important executive OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a Top Secret Lab, on the human side of the wall, in the world of zombies, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND      computer and lab noises LANDON     [on TV] I'm Landon Frost, and tonight on "the Z word," we'll take a behind the scenes look at how zombies are used in the manufacture of your dog's kibble.  FRED     How can they feed zombies to dogs? JUNE     Ambulates make the food - prepare it.  It's illegal to terminate them without "just cause." FRED     As opposed to "just cuz"?  [laughs] JUNE     Hah.  That's what "the Z word" is about - exposing the ways zombies are exploited. LANDON     [TV] You'll be watching this series throughout the holidays, and I'll be tucked up at home with my family.  JUNE     He's always busy.  Hardly ever gets to see them. FRED     Oh, boo-hoo.  This Frost guy gets to fly all over the world, cussing on TV, and making zillions of dollars, and he wants sympathy? JUNE     Don't forget taking his shirt off...  [chuckle]  But he's also a romantic - always talking about how he misses his wife Pamela. FRED     So?  He could retire. JUNE     Helping improve "life" for ambulates is like a crusade for him. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, CUTTING HER OFF FRED     [muttered exclamation] Oh shit! SOUND     CHAIR SQUEAK, SCRAMBLE LANDON     [TV] I'll be meeting my wife in secret at‑‑ SOUND     SWITCH, TV OFF DILL     [coming in talking]  We should be able to improve the bottom line. CHAMBERS     AND not expose Tammuz to any more... liability.  We are just starting to get back to where we were before Mrs. Skray's... DILL     Unfortunate accident? CHAMBERS     [grim] Breakdown. DILL     Ah. CHAMBERS     I need your personal guarantee this won't come back to bite us in the butt. DILL     If it does, my butt will have your back. CHAMBERS     What? DILL     uh... nothing.  Dr. Plasmus is expecting us. CHAMBERS     Plasmus?  What kind of a name is that? DILL     Dunno.  I only know results, and the good doctor facilitated the "crickets".  Look what they've done to help us get back in good odor over the last 18 months. CHAMBERS     [favorably impressed] MMmm. DILL     And now - [announcing] Project Top Hat! SOUND     DOOR OPENS SOUND     MUSIC SCENE CHANGE TV DUDE     [ON TV]  Do you ever have behavior problems with your ambulates? ZOMBIE     Grr. OLD LADY     [pleased] Cricket! TV DUDE     Do they sometimes seem to have a mind of their own? ZOMBIE2     [weird noise] MAN     [smug] Cricket. TV DUDE     Would you ever have them in the house without it? WOMAN     Around my kids?  Forget it! KIDS     Just CRICKET! TV DUDE     Yes, Cricket, the "behavioral reminder" Implant that reminds zombies to toe the line.  TV DUDE      [quiet, rushed]  Results may vary.  Some side effects may occur.  No guarantee of bodily safety is implied or express in the sale of this product.  Not available in all areas.  [up]  Get Cricket today!  Brought to you by your friends at Tammuz Corporation. SOUND     MUSIC SOUND     WALKING, DOOR SWOOSHES OPEN SOUND     ZAPS and SQUISHY NOISES PLASMUS     You're early. DILL     Uh, no.  It's - um - six? PLASMUS     It is?  Hmm.  Well, just let me finish this, and-- SOUND     BIG ZAP CHAMBERS     What are you working on? PLASMUS     Shh! DILL     [hushed] Sorry, the doc doesn’t multitask.  CHAMBERS     What? SOUND     ONE FINAL ZAP PLASMUS     Done.  He means I do not work and talk.  When you have worked directly in as many brains as I have, you begin to value each function for its own worth, and not merely as a gestalt whole. CHAMBERS     Uh, right.  So are you ready to gestalted [get started] now? DILL     Gestalt isn't-- CHAMBERS     I KNOW. PLASMUS     It was a bit of a joke?  [small dry chuckle]  Am I right? CHAMBERS     Yeah. PLASMUS     I thought as much.  I fear that the humor seat of my own brain has probably been left a wee bit underdeveloped.  Oh well.  Could be MUCH worse.  I could have an atrophied hippocampus!  [laughs riotously] DILL     Uh, yeah.  [toady laugh] CHAMBERS     That would be unfortunate, indeed. PLASMUS     [stops laughing suddenly]  But you are not here for pleasantries.  You are here to see what I have wrought! CHAMBERS     Aha!  So that's the smell in here. PLASMUS     What? CHAMBERS     Rot? PLASMUS     [laughs] MUSIC      SCENE CHANGE to TV LANDON     What the fuck do you think you're doing?  You can't have rats in any ambulate work area, you moronic lavat'ry brush!  They may not decay, but can still be damaged - do you want to be the one providing your workforce with replacement parts every time rats gnaw a bit off?  Or perhaps rats are the only protein going in to your fucking kibble?  SOUND     MUSIC DILL     So now the doctor will demonstrate--? [hint] PLASMUS     Have you forgotten the name again? DILL     [uncomfortable] No.  no, I just was giving you a chance to - you know - take the glory. PLASMUS     You should have warned me.  [sigh]  It is project top hat for a very simple reason-- SOUND     METAL CLANK CHAMBERS     It looks like a top hat.  Original.  DILL     And what does it do...?  [hinting] PLASMUS     Stop doing that.  DILL     Sorry. PLASMUS     [launching into lecture mode] The ambulate workforce is sturdy, capable - albeit slow - and cheap, since all they require is chum, unlike human workers who not only need food, shelter, sleep, etc., but also WANT things. DILL     [muttered] Zombies want things too.  That's part of the problem. PLASMUS     Shush.  It is this volition which is the only real drawback to the use of ambulates for many sorts of work - and which gives rise to the various debates over ambulate sentience, and to use an inexact phrase - over their "personhood". CHAMBERS     None of this is news. PLASMUS     I am setting it up.  So if there was a way to mix the useful qualities of the ambulate with the mindless diligence of, say, a computer, wouldn’t that improve their value? CHAMBERS     [interested] Yessss.... DILL     Of course. PLASMUS     So this mechanism will do that - replacing the corpse's brain with a limited function computer, only able to obey commands. CHAMBERS     You specify "Corpse"? PLASMUS     [pleased] Ah, you caught that.  [chuckles] Much like the pre-edict abortion debates, this idealization of ambulates leads to the nasty question of when, precisely, one goes from human, to dead human, to ambulate.  DILL     You've seen the courtroom reality shows. MUSIC COURT REPORT     We'll catch the plaintiff as she leaves.  Missus Feinman,  Missus Feinman?  How do you feel about the jury's ruling? MISSUS     Act of god, my eye!  My husband had a very clear "do not reanimate" clause in his will - but that doctor failed to catch him at the exact moment to remove the head and prevent reanimation, and now he's stuck.  MISTER     [zombie moan] MISSUS     I can't even have him decently put down, what with the iffy legal status of zombies.  [sniffles] COURT REPORT     [bland] You have our sympathy, I'm sure.  In just a moment, we'll speak to the doctor and his attorney. MUSIC PLASMUS     So we must catch them in that window - that tiny "between states" period when we can still legally treat them as objects.  CHAMBERS     And--? PLASMUS     Remove the head.  Once the head is gone, the body may yet convert, but does not move, as it has little sensory input to motivate it. CHAMBERS     You remove the head?  [Slowly gets it] And then you do - oh - ohhhh.  The Top Hat. PLASMUS     I see you are a quick thinker, Mr. Senior executive.  Yes.  The unit replaces the so-called "mind", by which we truly mean the physical brain, giving the animated carcass sensory input, all the while leaving complete control with the human controller.  CHAMBERS     Can the body re-animate, without the head? PLASMUS     Do you know how the ambi-twist works? CHAMBERS     The what? DILL     [muttered] The T virus. PLASMUS     No, no!  That is a trademarked name and cannot be used without possible reprisal!  DILL     Sorry!  That's what most people [call it]. PLASMUS     I don't want to hear it!  Besides, the ambi-twist does not make ravenous beasts.  Animates are gentle.  Like kittens. MUSIC COMMERCIAL AMB     GROCERY SHOPPING SUSY     Gee, mommy, Rolf pushes the cart real well, don't he? MOMMY     That reminds me!  We need to pick up some chum! ROLF     [eager zombie noise] SUSY     He knows THAT word! ANNOUNCER     Of course he does, but can he tell the difference between Champion Chum and the bargain brand? MOMMY     Is there a difference? ANNOUNCER     Just ask Rolf! ROLF     [sticky zombie eating noises] SUSY     [laughing] Oh Rolf! ANNOUNCER     Every zombie, every day, chooses Champion brand chum! MUSIC CHAMBERS     They're tame enough with the cricket.  If they were naturally docile, we wouldn't need it. PLASMUS     And with the top hat, there will be no need for the cricket.  Let me show you. SOUND     CAGE OPENS CHAMBERS     [horrified reaction] Oh! DILL     ugh [bland] PLASMUS     This stray dog was humanely euthanized, and the top hat was immediately attached-- SOUND     COMPUTERIZED BARK PLASMUS     We had to use a fairly large dog, so the top hat unit wouldn't overbalance it.  It was designed for a human frame-- SOUND     COMMOTION OUTSIDE PLASMUS     What is this? SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN JACKIE     All of you!  Over by the wall!  [to june and fred] Get in there! FRED     Right, of course. JUNE     Excuse me.  Just - um - going through. CHAMBERS     Who the devil are you? JACKIE     I'm the one with the gun!  And I said over by the wall! DILL     She means it.  Move it!  Move it move it move it.... PLASMUS     But the dog-- SOUND     COMPUTERIZED BARK SOUND     GUN SHOT INTO CEILING JACKIE     And don't get any funny ideas.  I'm not alone. CHAMBERS     [reasonable and placating]  Tell us what you want. JACKIE     [almost a yell] I want you all over by that wall! SOUND     COMPUTERIZED BARK DILL     Already here! JUNE     Me too! PLASMUS     Allow me to-- [take the dog] JACKIE      Leave that poor thing! SOUND     COMPUTERIZED BARK JACKIE     That is exactly the kind of horrid monster we're here to put an end to. PLASMUS     Ah.  Activists.  [chuckling] CHAMBERS     Don't mock the woman with the gun! PLASMUS     Oh.  Of course. JACKIE     And what's behind here? PLASMUS     No! Don't!  It's not ready yet! CHAMBERS     What IS it? SOUND     CURTAIN OPENS JACKIE     Mother of god! MUSIC     SCENE CHANGE, AND then WUSSY POPSTAR     I know all of you have heard and most of you have enjoyed my hit single "walking away with my heart" about the plight of the ambulate.  ZOMBIE     [pathetic moan] POPSTAR     Too many of these poor once-human creatures are abused, neglected, and sometimes even abandoned to fend for themselves - forced to sell their bodies, bit by horrible bit, for the chum they need to survive.  Can’t you spare just a little - the price of a cup of coffee - to help? MUSIC CHAMBERS     Just tell us your demands, and let's get on with this. JACKIE     [horrified]  What have you done to this man? PLASMUS     It is not a man.  It is a corpse. JACKIE     It's moving. PLASMUS     There's no one there.  As you can see, the computer has taken the place of its entire head, thus removing all chance of-- CHAMBERS     [hissed, annoyed] You didn't say you'd already done this to a human - [correcting himself] a human corpse, that is. PLASMUS      I simply hadn't got to that part of the presentation, yet. JACKIE     [distracted and horrified] But why? FRED     Hi-YAH! SOUND     THUMP, SCUFFLE DILL     Wow.  SOUND     GUN GOES OFF DILL     Stay back! JUNE     [indecisive but encouraging] Get her, Fred! SOUND     SCUFFLE ENDS FRED     Got her. PLASMUS     Can I have her as a specimen? JACKIE     You can't do that to me! PLASMUS     Of course we could.  We simply record that you died in an attack on our security, and your corpse will be ...recycled. JACKIE     NO! CHAMBERS     That's a bit much, isn't it? PLASMUS     [quiet] Drat.  [up] Heh-heh.  Of course.  Just a bit of - intimidation.  Hah.  Hah. DILL     Right. PLASMUS     What this young lady doesn't seem to understand is that there are many people who don't wish to return as a shambling, slow, and stupid ambulate.  Many would rather know that their mind - their "soul" - had been allowed to pass on. JACKIE     How the hell do you think you're doing that? PLASMUS     Cutting off the head.  The body is still useful - as you can see.  It can be of service to the living. JACKIE     The soul isn’t in the brain.  The soul is - the soul.  It will stay around no matter what. PLASMUS     [derisive laugh] MUSIC SOUND     PARTY! BRANDON     And we're here on the dead side with the new years crowd!  They start a week early, since they know it'll take 'em that long to arrive!  Whoo!  ARIA     And the hottest thing this year is head swaps!  BRANDON     [prompting, not really questioning] Head swaps, Aria? ARIA     That's right, Brandon!  You know how zombies can cut off and attach body parts?  They recently discovered that they can swap heads!  They say it's totally the ultimate! BRANDON     Unless they sew it on backwards!  Man, that would be a pain in the ass! ARIA     Yeah, but at least you could see your ass! BOTH     [LAUGH] MUSIC CHAMBERS     Where's security when you need them? JUNE     I just called them, sir.  Apparently, they've had a number of ...insurrections. DILL     Must be how she slipped by.  JACKIE     You won't get anything from me! PLASMUS     I suppose you two will have to take her to the security office for detention. FRED     Gotcha. JUNE     Oh, me?  Oh all right. SOUND      SHE CROSSES JUNE     What was it she was looking at, anyway?  [horrified gasp!] PLASMUS     What's wrong? JUNE     [too quick, very nervous] Nothing!  I just thought it - he - it - moved. PLASMUS     Nonsense.  I haven't even woken the unit yet.  Get along. JUNE     [still nervous] Yes, yes of course!  Come on! FRED     What's wrong? JUNE     [growl] Post traumatic stress!  Get moving! SOUND     THEY LEAVE PLASMUS     Some people simply cannot handle pressure.  Come have a look at my human automaton. CHAMBERS     [slightly suspicious] He looks ... fresh.  DILL     Nice physique! CHAMBERS     You didn't - uh - kill him, did you, doc? PLASMUS     [laughs flatly] No.  He was killed in a car wreck, this afternoon.  His legs sustained some damage, but mostly superficial, and his head was completely severed.  CHAMBERS     How did you get him so quickly?  The notice to the family won't even go through-- PLASMUS     [pissed]  I could not wait for petty family concerns when this perfect specimen fell into my very lap!  And he is perfect!  DILL     Ew. PLASMUS     So I snatched him out of the hospital upstairs.  Besides.  He is an organ donor.  MUSIC INSURANCE     Do you wonder about your insurance coverage?  Concerned that you may some day cease to be human, and therefore void your policy?  We here at Practical Undead National Trust can fix that for you.  For only a few dollars a day, you, too, can have coverage that extends beyond the expiration of the body. MUSIC SOUND     HALLWAY, DOOR SHUTS, FOOTSTEPS FRED     Whew.  Should we go back, do you think? JUNE     [still bothered] I - I don't know. FRED     OK, what's going on? JUNE     Oh, Fred!  This is horrible! FRED     It was just a gun.  I don't think she would have shot either of us anyway. JUNE     Not that. FRED     Then what? JUNE     That body back in the lab?  That perfectly sculpted torso?  Did you see that tattoo on the shoulder? FRED     Not my type.  Sorry. JUNE     [very important and horrible] THAT was‑‑ [cut off with a gasp] SOUND     DOOR OPENS MUSIC LANDON     [outside, loud over background noise] You would think this was a prime place for ambulates - garbage reclamation.  SOUND      CRUNCHING EQUIPMENT LANDON     They don't mind bad smells, can't catch diseases -- and yet, most of the workers hired on at this particular municipal tip don't stay.  Let's find out why. MUSIC CHAMBERS     [gritted teeth] What do we do if there's a lawsuit? PLASMUS     [shrug] If they push it, there is an incinerator in the basement, and as long as we first remove the computer unit, the organic evidence could be reduced to ashes in a matter of hours. CHAMBERS     [annoyed, but not knowing] Do you even know who this person - corpse - is? PLASMUS     [shrug]  I read the driver's license.  Why? DILL     [confident] We'll fabricate records.  Show it was cremated by mistake.  Apologize.  Give the widow some ashes and a check. CHAMBERS     Sounds like you've done this before. DILL     [smug] Things... happen.  MUSIC BOB     Come on down to Big Bob's bob-o-rama for the finest in pre-owed ambulates!  We have 'em all from this big brute for heavy lifting-- ZOMBIE     [deep moan] BOB     To this hot little number, [hinting] nice for in-house work. GIRL ZOMBIE     [sexy moan?] BOB     Come on down this weekend, and my own gramma, an ambulate herself, will be here with her special milk and cookies!  Trade-ins are always given full greybook value. MUSIC NURSE     I'm so sorry.  There's been a little mixup.  He's... um... missing. PAMELA     [low snarl] As god is my witness, if my husband's body turns up somewhere - anywhere - on a celebrity zombie show, I will personally sue you, the hospital, Tammuz, and anyone else our lawyers can think of! NURSE     But I-- DOCTOR     What seems to be the problem? PAMELA     Are you the person I should be screaming at? DOCTOR     Well, I don't know about that-- PAMELA     Then you best point me at the right one, since some screaming is well overdue. DOCTOR     Just tell me - calmly - what this is about. NURSE     It's her husband. PAMELA     My husband's BODY, you mean!  [starting to move from anger into tears] I was informed of his accident, that he was declared [suppressed sob] dead at the scene, and when I come to claim him... [deep breath, furious snarl]  He's missing. NURSE     I'm sure it's just a paperwork snafu. PAMELA     AND I know how some of you bastards are about selling celebrity corpses!  Don't think you can pull that crap on me! DOCTOR     Celebrity?  What was -uh, is - your husband's name? MUSIC SOUND     ZOMBIE MOAN LANDON     This fucking pisses me off no end - look at that poor bastard. SOUND     ZOMBIE MOAN LANDON     Look at this hand.  Three fingers gone, from a bloody hazardous environment.  [up]  They may not be human any more, but you sons-of-bitches still have to look after these beggars! MUSIC JUNE     Landon Frost! FRED     What? JUNE     I swear it was!  It's the snowflake on his shoulder.  He got it for his wife! FRED     Oh.  That can't be good.  Should we ... tell them? JUNE     Well...he IS dead.  Nothing'll change that. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, MANY FEET COME STORMING IN PAMELA     I already have Landon's private security at all your exits, and will personally go through each and every room until I find him - so you might as well hand him over. DOCTOR     But, but.. PAMELA     First, you are taking Big bill, here, and I down to your bloody incinerator -and don't try to tell me you don't have one. DOCTOR     Why? PAMELA     So no one has access to destroy the [falters] the ...evidence. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, THEY PASS OUT AGAIN FRED     Is that--? JUNE     [fatalistic] Oh boy! MUSIC LECTURER     We must stop treating ambulates as objects and start treating them as people - people very nearly like you and me.  With a bit of practice, anyone can speak clearly and slowly enough for a zombie to pick up on it.  SOUND     ZOMBIE MOAN LECTURER     If we could only follow the moans and groans of a group of zombies, I'm sure complete and fascinating conversations are going on, right under our disinterested human noses. MUSIC DILL     [on phone]  So soon?  Well, I guess we move on to plan B. [pause] She is? [upset] oh. SOUND     PHONE DOWN CHAMBERS     What is it? DILL     I - they-- PLASMUS     Quiet, please!  Time to turn it on! DILL     This may actually be a very bad... thing SOUND     A COUPLE OF ZAPS SOUND     RUSTLE CHAMBERS     Is that it? PLASMUS     Do you need me to shout "it's alive"? LANDON     [computer noise, not quite speech] DILL     Ohhhh boy. CHAMBERS     Does that thing make it able to talk? LANDON     [machine, more gobbledygook] PLASMUS     Ambulates have always been able to talk.  They simply operate on a much slower scale than we do.  It is something about the brain synapses, the ambi-twist simply cannot get them back to normal speed. DILL     [prompt] They're how much slower than humans? PLASMUS     I said not to do that. DILL     I was just asking,.  Really. PLASMUS     They operate somewhere between 20 and 50% slower than humans.  That is why they have to be spoken to slowly. LANDON     [machine] Fuck you! PLASMUS     [chuckles] Or not. DILL     [gasp] Is it supposed to do that? CHAMBERS     I thought you said that removing the head should negate the personality. PLASMUS     I'm sure it is just something programmed in.  My computer expert has quite a sense of humor. LANDON     [machine]  What the hell is going on? PLASMUS     [worried now] Or... not. DILL     This was supposed to make it docile!  CHAMBERS     At least the thing is tied down. SOUND     RIP OF RESTRAINTS PLASMUS     [frightened] Or... not! MUSIC TEACHER     Turn to page 40.  The chapter on the ambi-twist.  Amy, will you start? [grade school students, who read more or less well] AMY     The ambi-twist was a genetic modification first pioneered by Tammuz Corporation. BOBBY     With the best of intentions, this benevolent corporation was trying to help people. CORA     To overcome the issues with tissue rejection and make transplants one hundred percent successful. DESMOND     But the ambi-twist went a bit awry. [after a pause] ELLIE     [whispered] You have to read more. DESMOND     nuh-uh.  Not my fault it's a short sentence. ELLIE     Fine!  [ahem]  The ambi-twist altered the genetic makeup of the intended cells, yes, but it did not stop there, instead running amok through the entire body and giving the cells a life of their own. FRANK     Most of the population now carries the ambi-twist virus, which has little to no effect on them ... during their lifetime. DESMOND     [spooky noise] ooo-OO-oo EVERYONE     [joking zombie groans] MUSIC NOTE     LANDON IS COMPUTERIZED FROM HERE ON OUT LANDON     Why so gob-smacked?  Where the fuck am I? SOUND     THUMP GETTING OUT OF BED, FOOTSTEPS PLASMUS     This is very bad.  DILL     It's coming over.  Let me guess, it can see and hear through the computer unit too? PLASMUS     [wry]  Of course.  What use is a unit that bumps into walls and can't follow orders? LANDON     Is anyone planning to answer me? CHAMBERS     Look, you.  You've died and are now property.  Just lay back and shut up. DILL     Oh boy. LANDON     No, you look here, you lump of festering dog turd!  If I were dead, and I don't believe it for a minute - I have very specific contingencies in my will.  PLASMUS     [chuckles] Speaking of contingencies-- SOUND     SHOTGUN RACKING PLASMUS     I would call this experiment a conditional success. SOUND     SHOTGUN BLAST MUSIC HUSHED MC     And the ambulate "Gracie's darling" is now approaching the steps.  This is a level three hazard, since it typically takes an ambulate several tries.  Oh!  She's on the first step!  Very nicely corrected a stumble and managed to stick the second step.  Ah, but she's faltering -- Momentum can only carry one SO far, and this is where balance truly comes into play.  [gareth bowley] MUSIC SOUND     DOOR SLAMS SHUT CHAMBERS     Holy cow! PLASMUS     [gleeful] Did you see how fast it was? DILL     You mean when it walked off with your shotgun?  I thought we were done for! CHAMBERS     Looked like it nearly took your hand off, too. PLASMUS     [dismissive] It's broken,  It's fine.  [up] We must follow it! CHAMBERS     Get security on all the doors! DILL     On it. PLASMUS     Try not to hurt it! CHAMBERS     Belay that order.  Take that thing down at all costs.  And definitely before it leaves the building! MUSIC SURVIVALIST1     I don't care how many times they take this feed down and report me - I ain't gonna stand by and let them goddamn walking dead take over.  Since every one of us as dies turns into one of them, ain't no way we can keep ahead unless we thin the herd a bit.  SURVIVALIST2     Hell yeah.  Now on the chart behind me, you see a human-- SURVIVALIST1     or zombie-- SURVIVALIST2     right, "or zombie," body with various areas marked in red.  Those are your standard  targets, right there.  The head is, of course, the primary, since the bastards won't stop walking without that being gone. SURVIVALIST1     Even that don't put 'em down right away, but if you can get it GONE-- SURVIVALIST2     Sure is funny to watch them bump into walls, in't it? BOTH     [laugh] MUSIC AMB     HALLWAY SOUND     ALARMS, RUNNING FEET IN DISTANCE JUNE     Why do I suddenly feel like a job change? FRED     I'll help with the resume.  Let's scat.  SOUND     RUNNING FEET APPROACH JUNE     Oh shit! [dragging him out of the way] Over here! LANDON     Run, you little buggers!  I'll blow your fucking pop stand wide open!  FRED     Holy crap! JUNE     Ssh!  Maybe it won't notice us! LANDON     What are you looking at? FRED     Too late! JUNE     Please don't hurt us! LANDON     Hurt?  HURT?  I'm going to ruin you snotty little gits! FRED     Ruin, I can live with. SECURITY     Stop right there! SOUND     ASSORTED ZOMBIE MOANS JUNE     Sock troops! LANDON     [machine] Is this some kind of a sick joke?  Turning THEM against ME? SECURITY     Lay down the weapon and come along quietly, Top Hat. FRED     Top hat?  What is he, a Batman villain? MUSIC MOVIE ANNOUNCER     He was a normal boring man. NORMAL MAN     Hey honey - be late tonight. MOVIE ANNOUNCER     With a normal boring Life. NORMAL MAN     Yes, sir, I can get that done for you this afternoon. MOVIE ANNOUNCER     Until the day he died. NORMAL MAN     Excuse me - I feel - my chest - urk. SOUND     THUMP, DROP PHONE, ERROR TONE MOVIE ANNOUNCER     Now he was to work his way back to the top, against all odds... Coming soon-- NORMAL MAN     [zombie moan] MOVIE ANNOUNCER     --A NORMAL MAN starring Justin Bieber and an undead Jim Carrey. MUSIC JUNE     [up, yelling] We're not with him! LANDON     Toady. JUNE     We DO work at Tammuz. LANDON     This is Tammuz? SECURITY     You have a count of 5 to put down the shotgun.  ONE. [continues] TWO. THREE. FOUR. FRED     Haven't you noticed the logo everywhere? LANDON     My vision is ... strange.  [musing]  Tammuz.  The one place I could never get into... FRED     Not surprising. SECURITY     FIVE!  Get him! JUNE     They won't shoot in here - too many things  might blow up.  LANDON     What?  Helping me? JUNE     I love - loved your show. LANDON     Don't be surprised if I'm back on the air soon. SOUND     HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE FRED     Ow! JUNE     What the heck? SECURITY     I said get him, you maggoty turds!  Why are you stopping? LANDON     huh.  Funny how I knew to do that. MUSIC NOTE     Ad also plays, under, at very slow speed - for the ambulates watching. EDNA     Edna's chum on the go!  Whenever you're out and about, and no time to get home and feed the ambulate in your life, drop round to Edna's Chum.  We have the best quality, tastiest chum around - hot and fresh, just like mother might have made.  Available for dine-in, drive through and even delivery!  MUSIC PLASMUS     They have him cornered in sector five, west corridor!  Checkpoint X-14.  I must reclaim the unit after they take the body down. SOUND     PHONE RINGS DILL     I'll catch up.  You guys go on ahead. CHAMBERS     Hah!  You're not weaseling out that easily. DILL     One sec [to phone] Yeah?  Oh brilliant.  That's just the cherry on top. SOUND     HANGS UP CELL DILL     [annoyed] Guess what? PLASMUS     [threat] I have a taser here somewhere-- DILL     Okay! Okay!  There's a woman upstairs demanding her husband's body.  And because this night isn't deep enough in the shit, I have a feeling she's related to-- CHAMBERS     Oh IS she?  [chuckles]  We might be seeing daylight.  Come on. MUSIC NIGERIAN SCAM     With reverence I am contacting you.  I hope you will overlook my poor typistry.  I am a recently deceased individual that managed to conceal a large sum of money before joining rank one of the walking dead.  MUSIC SECURITY     Tell me you saw that, too. FRED     You mean how he just, like, whistled and all the zombies trotted off after him like the pied piper of Hamlet? JUNE     Hamlin. SECURITY     Yeah, that.  Good.  Now when I make my report, you two can back me up. FRED     Oh, uh-- We were actually leaving. SECURITY     I don't think so. JUNE     Not Leaving leaving.  We have to get back to our -uh- posts. SECURITY     That's different.  I'll give you an escort. FRED     Oh, boy. SOUND      DISTANT FOOTSTEPS PAMELA     You!  You there!  I want a word with you! FRED     Us? JUNE     Him.  you. SECURITY     Oh, me.  Yes ma'am? PAMELA     You look like someone in charge here.  You will tell me where my husband's body is! JUNE     Oh that.  He went thataway. PAMELA     WHAT? MUSIC ZOMBIE LIB     If you can understand this, you are one of us, my zombie brother or sister.  Come to the house with three crescent moons over the door, and we will guide you safely to our side of the wall.  Liberty for all! MUSIC SOUND     SHOTGUN SHOT INTO CEILING LANDON     I'm done fucking around.  You let us past, or the next shot brings you to OUR bloody side! COP     I can't!  I-- the door is on autolock!  Please, uh, mister - I got a wife and kids-- LANDON     You stupid little shit!  I have - had a wife to, but whatever genius did this-- PAMELA     [off a bit] Landon? LANDON     Oh my god.  Pamela? PAMELA     What did they-- [more concerned than panic] your head! LANDON     It's some insane experiment.  I'm dead. PAMELA     You can still see and hear me?  [wonder]  But you're not slowed? LANDON     Yes, I-- [REMEMBER STUPID ZOMBIE DOG ALL THIS TIME] COP     Sorry, sir, but I have to-- SOUND     SHOT ZOMBIEDOG     Leaps in the way of the bullet, body drops and hat goes flying, COP     Oh, shit. LANDON     Give me a minute, dear. PAMELA     [furious] Give me your gun. LANDON     No need. SOUND     WHISTLE ZOMBIES     [attack] COP     I was - I didn't - oh! LANDON     Poor stupid animal.  PAMELA     If not for that thing, you'd be dead. LANDON     I'll take this. SOUND     PICKS UP TOP HAT CHAMBERS     [coming in]  No, we'll take that.  Both of them, in fact. MUSIC ZOMBIE MAN     Look at me.  Now look at your zombie.  Now look back at me.  Your zombie will never look as good as me, but it can smell as good as me, with special deodorant soap from--[danar?] MUSIC FRED     [quiet] back away, quietly. JUNE     [quiet] If we can just get past the corner... LANDON     Who the fuck do you think you are? FRED     Helps that he's keeping their attention. CHAMBERS     We're the owners of that gadget you're currently wearing, and we want it back.  YOU, on the other hand, are expendable. LANDON     And you think I'm afraid of your gun?  If anyone knows how durable the undead are, I should bloody well think it was me. FRED     [quiet] I'm clear! JUNE     Just a bit more... SOUND     GUNSHOT CHAMBERS     The next one goes into HER. JUNE     [off] Her?  [gasp, then relieved] Oh - her - his wife. LANDON     You wouldn't. PLASMUS     You might want to consider-- CHAMBERS     Shut up - this is all your fault anyway. PLASMUS     But-- LANDON     Get behind me, dearest. PAMELA     He can't be mad enough to shoot me! CHAMBERS     Oh, I'm flipping furious, lady!  LANDON     She doesn’t mean that kind of "MAD", you festering moronic baboon! MUSIC INTERVIEWER     We have an interview with someone actually on the scene.  What precisely was going on? JUNE     It was pandemonium!  The ambulates were just walking away after the ... uh, stranger. Interviewer     Like the pied piper of hamlin? JUNE     Or like spartacus. FRED     And when Mr. Chambers - I mean the defendant - shot Mrs. Frost-- JUNE     We're not supposed to talk about that! FRED     That's why they're pixilating our faces, isn't it? JUNE     That's next week's interveiw - this one is live! FRED     Oh shit.  Oh! INTERVIEWER     Now that you've started, you might as well finish.  What happened next? JUNE     [exasperated sigh] There goes our exclusive! MUSIC SOUND     GUNSHOT LANDON     Bastards! SOUND     HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE SOUND     ZOMBIE MOANS IN RESPONSE LANDON     [snarl] Bring me THAT one! PLASMUS     Which?  Oh! CHAMBERS     Stay back! PAMELA     [expiring]  Landon?  It hurts! LANDON     Hold on, dearest.  Keep breathing.  SOUND     GUNSHOT SOUND     ZOMBIE MOANS CHAMBERS     Get out of my way, you maggots! FRED     Come ON, June! JUNE     I have to see how it ends! SOUND     GUN SHOT JUNE     [gasp]  Or not! SOUND     ZOMBIES MOAN PLASMUS     Let go! don't touch me!  Ew!  Does anyone have some purell? PAMELA     [very weak]  Landon?  What- [gasp] what are you thinking? LANDON     Is it hard to implant the top hat device? PLASMUS     It's quite simple really - the connections are made remotely inside the wiring, so the longer it is on, the more enmeshed the interfaces become-- LANDON     Take this. SOUND     CLANG OF DOG'S UNIT PLASMUS     What do you--?  [realizing] Oh. MUSIC INTERVIEWER     But the zombies didn't harm Mr. Chambers? JUNE     He wanted - Landon wanted for him to stand in a human court for trial.  FRED     He said something about rotting in hell, but his accent was getting really thick. JUNE     He was crying! FRED     He's a computer.  I mean, the voice, at least, is computerized.  Why would it get choked up? INTERVIEWER     [to camera] Even now, Chambers is standing trial for the murder of Mrs. Pamela Frost.  While the videographic evidence is very convincing, the lack of an actual body has been a point hammered on by the defense. MUSIC SOUND     CRACKLE of STATIC, THEN FOCUS SOUND     [both are clearly computerized] LANDON     Can't broadcast too long, don't want you to trace us. PAMELA     We want to reach out to everyone who has been affected by the blight that is Tammuz. LANDON     Know this - relief is coming soon.  For now, just walk away, wherever you are.  We'll find you. PAMELA     And Merry Christmas, everyone. SOUND     HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE SOUND     ZOMBIE MOANS FILL SOUNDSCAPE END
12/22/202238 minutes, 51 seconds
Episode Artwork

Atomic Julie - MAKE ME AN OFFER by Con Blomberg

With a city manager (much like alexa/amazon prime - it delivers anything ordered) handling all New York City's needs, how can things go wrong?   oh, and it's Julie's birthday...
12/20/202217 minutes, 20 seconds
Episode Artwork

Three Exes For Xmas by Julie Hoverson (19 Nocturne Boulevard's Reissue of the Week)

[warning - mature language and violence] Carla Skray, CEO of Tammuz Inc., chief exploiter of hordes of unliving workers, finds herself "haunted" by her ex husbands - returned as the same zombies she employs... Cast List Carla Skray - Julie Hoverson Robbie - Scott C. Wentworth Monica - Melissa Pang Tick - Frankenvox Amy - E. Vickery Phil - Ayoub Khote Rick - Reynaud LeBoeuf 911 Operator - Jacquie Duckworth VOICE BOX - Tanja Milojevic         (Lightning Bolt Theater of the Mind) Stock Reporter            Marianne Coleman-Hipkins Kathy - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Fred, on the phone, Newscaster -            Russell Gold Additional zombies:           John Lingard           Sidney Williams (Fear on Demand)           Michael Hudson           Robyn Keyes           and the zombie chorus... Music by Jason Shaw ( Show theme:  Kevin MacLeod ( Editing and Sound:  Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock   "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a corporate office, can't you tell?" ****************************************************************************************** THREE EXES FOR XMAS   Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] CARLA Skray (posh 50s), rich industrialist ROBBIE (20s), her fourth boytoy husband AMY (20s), his girlfriend MONICA (30s), Carla's personal assistant TICK (30s), Carla's go-to guy ZOMBIE PHIL (dead but 20s), Carla's first husband ZOMBIE RICK (dead but 20s), Carla's second husband Emergency OPERATOR (any) NEWSCASTER (any) FRED (any), on the phone KATHY (any) businesslike VOICE BOX OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a mansion in a very posh part of humantown, can't you tell?  MUSIC SCENE 1.     CARLA'S OFFICE SOUND      LOW MUSIC CARLA     The zombies in agricultural sector eight are refusing to comply with the new work orders?  [incredulous] Refusing?  You mean they're - they're going on strike? FRED     [on monitor] I know it sounds wild, but-- CARLA     Wild?  Wild!  It sounds like they've lost what little is left of their tiny maggot ridden minds!  FRED     They're asking for a slight wage increase-- CARLA     Never!  And to think I was kind enough to create jobs for those rotting bastards in the first place!  FRED     They want-- CARLA     I don't care what they want!  I want a twenty-year old's ass, but that's not gonna happen either! FRED     I'll tell them-- CARLA     Nothing.  Don't even bother.  Seal off sector 8 and turn off the chum. [note:  chum, from the word for "minced up meat poured in the water to attract sharks", is basically what zombies "eat".] FRED     There's hundreds of-- CARLA     [venomous] Decaying dead bodies.  Nothing more.  The fact that they have volition is utterly inconsequential.  The council has held they have no rights.  Who am I to go against the law?  FRED     That might change sooner than you think. CARLA     Just do it.  Off. SOUND     SCREEN GOES OFF ROBBIE     [teasing] A twenty year old's ass?  Does that mean mine's not good enough any more? CARLA     [completely different]  You've still got a coupla good years in you, Robbie honey.  Come and give me a neck rub. ROBBIE     Absolutely, boss lady. CARLA      [grrrow] You know what it does to me when you call me that. ROBBIE     Of course. SOUND     BEEP MONICA     [on monitor] Ma'am?  The massage therapist is here. CARLA     [exasperated noise]  Give me a minute, I need to freshen up. ROBBIE     [sexy] Does that mean what I think it does? CARLA     Not today, sweetass.  [walking away]  You run along and make sure to have a nice hot bath ready for me - say in about an hour? SOUND     HIS FEET LEAVING, WE FOLLOW HIM ROBBIE     Right. CARLA     [off, calling] Make it an hour and a half. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS ROBBIE     [quietly, fuming] Yes master. SOUND     HE WALKS AWAY, OPENS ANOTHER DOOR NO MUSIC TO CHANGE     SCENE 2.     MONICA'S DESK MONICA     Is she ready? ROBBIE     A couple minutes. AMY     [surprised] Robbie? ROBBIE     Shh.  [loud, hearty]  Hey, Amy.  Nice to see you. AMY     Robbie, what--? ROBBIE     [worried, rushed undertone] What are you doing here? AMY      Outcall.  Do you think I bring the table along for social visits? ROBBIE     Are you nuts? AMY     [shrug] Agency sent me.  It's good money. ROBBIE     That's my - my wife in there. AMY     [teasing] Oh!  I thought you just worked here. ROBBIE     I do, but-- MONICA     [calling] She's ready for you now. ROBBIE     Shit.  You should get outta here. AMY     [reassuring] She can’t know.  Why should she? ROBBIE     Please... AMY     Don't worry! CARLA     [on intercom] Monica, wrap it up out there and take the rest of the day. MUSIC   SCENE 3.     TICK'S OFFICE SOUND     NEWS IN OVER MUSIC NEWS PERSON     Stock in Tammuz National went up three points today with the announcement of yet another advance in preservation technology.  Keep your zombie workers fresher longer! [note:  Tammuz was a Mesopotamian god of rebirth or on-going life] SOUND     COMMERCIAL STARTS, TV TURNS OFF TICK     [talking on phone]  I received your package yesterday.  I appreciate your promptness.  Did you want to add anything to the instructions?  [listens for a minute] [chuckles]  Don't worry.  "Accidents" happen every day. MUSIC   SCENE 4.     CARLA'S OFFICE SOUND     NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY CARLA     [moans] SOUND     MASSAGE NOISES, PATTING, FINAL BIT, SMOOTHING AMY     There.  Sit up slowly. CARLA     [deep breath, stretching noises]  You're quite good. SOUND     THINGS BEING PUT AWAY IN A CASE AMY     Thank you.  I hope you'll call on my services again. CARLA     Oh... I don’t think so. AMY     Hmm? CARLA     And neither will anyone else in my... household.  I hope you understand? AMY     [slightly worried]  No...? CARLA     [sigh] Come.  You need to see this. SOUND     DOOR OPENS AMY     The bathroom? CARLA     [chuckles] SOUND     LIGHT SWITCH ON CARLA     I think you'll find it very interesting. AMY     [sigh]  Ok, but I should get going...  Why are we in here? CARLA     Easy to clean. AMY     Huh? CARLA     [grunt of effort] SOUND     THROAT SLIT AMY     [gurgling, dying] SOUND     OPENS CABINET, LARGE METAL THING BROUGHT OUT, SET DOWN ON TILE, GARBAGE BAG OPENED AND FLUFFED OUT CARLA     Pity really.  You've got excellent hands.  Ah well.  I'm sure someone will make good use of them. [NOTE:  AMY's body is the body Tick gives to Ben in Zombi to dispose of.] SOUND     HORRIBLE JUICY SAWING NOISES BEGIN MUSIC   SCENE 5.     ROBBIE AT HOME AMY     [on filter]  Leave a message!  Now!  Wait, no, leave it now! SOUND      BEEP ROBBIE     Call me soon-- [cuts himself off suddenly] SOUND     DOORKNOB SOUND     PHONE SLAMS SHUT SOUND     DOOR OPENS ROBBIE     Got your bath.  Let me run a bit more hot. CARLA     Oh, that.  [dismissive] I showered in my office. ROBBIE     [trying to hide his disappointment] Oh? CARLA     A little problem came up. SOUND      POURING A DRINK ROBBIE     [very anxious] How was... the massage? CARLA     [sighs, then casual] You stupid boy. ROBBIE     Huh? CARLA     You think I don't know every little thing you do? ROBBIE     What do you mean? CARLA     It wasn't an accident that I ordered that particular young woman for my massage. ROBBIE     Oh. CARLA     And you won't be seeing her again.  Ever. ROBBIE     But-- I... I don't-- CARLA     She's on the next train.  Out. ROBBIE     Where--? CARLA     Unimportant.  Whatever's leaving.  It's amazing what a large sum of money will do to motivate people. ROBBIE     [bereft] But... why? CARLA     You're mine, Robbie darling, and I don't share my toys.  When you're my ex-, you can sleep with any piece of tail you can catch. ROBBIE     [very down] Right. CARLA     [spitefully seductive] Now come over here and give mama some sugar. MUSIC   SCENE 6.     TICK'S OFFICE SOUND      COMPUTER KEYS SOUND     BEEP TICK     [annoyed sigh]  Who the--? SOUND     CLICK TICK     Figures.  SOUND     CLICK, OPENS FEED TICK     Madame chairwoman.  Every time I see your face, I hear the sound of money. CARLA     Doesn't everyone?  [dry chuckle]  It's a week til christmas.  You know what that means? TICK     Hmm?  [snide] And I didn't get you anything. CARLA     Hah!  [urgent] Only two weeks until the New Year, and the vote on zombie rights. TICK     Ah.  I knew it couldn't be peace on earth, good will to man. CARLA     Good will is precisely my problem.  Things have been very good - very peaceful - recently, and people are feeling ...chummy.  Generous. TICK     [mock concern]  Are you melting yet? CARLA     There's a point where even you get tiresome, Tick. TICK     Well, let's speed this up, then.  Tick tock tick tock. [TICK is his nickname because of his tendancy to push people by saying "tick tock" - this might need to change] CARLA     I need an incident.  [sarcastic] Am I speaking to the right person? TICK     [derisive snort [duh]]  What are you looking for? MUSIC   SCENE 7.     MONICA'S OFFICE ROBBIE     [bored sigh] Is she in? MONICA     Just a moment.  [to phone]  Read that back?   ROBBIE     It's a simple question! MONICA     Shh!  [to phone]  Yes, that sounds perfect.  Both packages.  Good.  I'll be expecting delivery.  SOUND     PHONE CLICKS OFF MONICA     Sorry about that.  A supplier who's very hard to get ahold of.  [change subject]  She's out right now. ROBBIE     I'll wait inside. MONICA     I'm sorry.  Ms. Skray left specific instructions-- ROBBIE     [whining a bit] I'm her husband, dammit. MONICA     Very specific instructions. MUSIC   SCENE 8.     ZOMBIE WAREHOUSE SOUND     LOW VAGUE MOANING NOISE OF MANY ZOMBIES CARLA     [going down a line]  No.  No.  Maybe.  Hmm.  [dubious] Maybe.  No. No. No. No. [sigh]  Is this everything? KATHY     They're the freshest we've got.  [joking in poor taste] It's not like we can make them to order. CARLA     [as if she's considering it] Hmph.  Have those two cleaned up and put in jumpsuits.  Make sure they get muzzled and thoroughly shellacked.  I dislike finding bits lying about. MUSIC   SCENE 9.     CARLA'S OFFICE SOUND     DOOR SHUTS ROBBIE     [whining a bit, slightly drunk]  Where've you been? CARLA     [cold]  Working.  Keeping you in that expensive brandy. ROBBIE     Only [checks] half a bottle. CARLA     How... highbrow.  You really should take better care of yourself, Robbie dear.  You're starting to lose your charm. ROBBIE     [breaking down] You don't love me anymore. CARLA     I didn't marry you for love, little boy.  You're eye candy and good in the sack.  Nothing more.  And nothing at all, once you stop fulfilling those functions. ROBBIE     You bitch!  You said I was special! CARLA     [maddeningly calm]  I made you special.  Now you're being common.  You think you're the first? ROBBIE     What? CARLA     I've had others before you.  And I'm sure there will be more after you're gone. ROBBIE     [panicky] Gone?  Where? CARLA     [dismissive] Wherever broken toys go. MUSIC   SCENE 10.     TICK'S OFFICE TICK     [on phone] Yes.  I found the two you requested.  [listens]  Very lucky.  You have what I need?  Good.  [sighs, listening]  Yes.  That's the day.  Just call me santa claus. MUSIC   SCENE 11.     MONICA'S OFFICE MONICA     Merry Christmas. CARLA     [passing through] Whatever.  Have there been any calls from Tick? MONICA     [slightly worried] From... Tick? [note:  monica is behind the appearance of the two dead husbands, and tick is working for both of them.  This just hints at that] CARLA     He's handling something for me. MONICA     [relieved] Oh!  For you.  No.  Not yet. CARLA     Get him. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, CARLA MOVES INTO HER OFFICE MONICA     [calling after her] Robbie was looking for you.  Again. CARLA     [dismissive noise] SOUND     DOOR SHUTS CARLA     [musing] Seems it's just about trade-in time. SOUND     CHAIR PULLED OUT, COMPUTER OPEN MONICA     [on SCREEN]  Tick.  For you. CARLA     Good.  You can go.  [beat] Leave. MONICA     Merry Christmas! TICK     She's a bit early. CARLA     I've already given her tomorrow off.  Where is my incident? TICK     Open the news. SOUND     CLICK, SCREEN COMES UP NEWSCASTER     --near-riot when a guard fell off the wall near treadmill sector 5.  A crowd of mobiles were subdued only after a protracted assault.  The guard was not recovered. CARLA     [satisfied] Ahhhh. TICK     And my money? SOUND     CLICK CARLA     Open your account. TICK     [very satisfied]  Merry Christmas. CARLA     Are you "doing something" for the holiday, or can you take on another little disposal job if I need you? MUSIC   SCENE 12.     CARLA'S HOME ROBBIE     [distant, calling out]  Hello?  Hello?  Where is everyone? CARLA     I've given them the holiday off.  ROBBIE     [coming in] Look, I've been thinking, and if you want me to go, I'm fine with that.  CARLA     Go?  Just when I thought we might spend the weekend "reconnecting?" ROBBIE     Really? CARLA     Of course.  I have something very special planned for you. ROBBIE     Oh.  [ashamed]  And all I got you was chocolates. SOUND     OPENS BOX, MUSIC BOX PLAYS CARLA     How... cute.  [guarded] Why does that remind me of... something? ROBBIE     I don't know.  Monica said you would like it. SOUND     SHUTS BOX, SETS IT DOWN CARLA     [brisk again]  Well.  Don't worry - I'll think of something you can do to make it up to me.  [chuckles] SOUND     GUNSHOT CARLA     Like... go quietly. ROBBIE     [gurgles] SOUND     BODY DROP CARLA     Damn.  You moved. SOUND     A COUPLE OF STEPS ROBBIE     [trying to make words]  No, no!  please! SOUND     HAND GROPES ACROSS FLOOR CARLA     It'll be easier if you don't fight it-- SOUND     DOORBELL CARLA     Oh, bother.  If they heard the shot....  [determined hmph] ROBBIE     [gurgling] CARLA     [brightly] Don't go anywhere! SOUND     SHE STRIDES AWAY MUSIC   SCENE 13.     CARLA'S HOME, FRONT DOOR SOUND     DOOR OPENS CARLA     Yes?  [quizzical] Hello?  SOUND     SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS PHIL     [zombie moaning] CARLA     [annoyed noise] euch. [talks very slow] You go.  Not hiring. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS APPROACH PHIL     [moan ends on a quizzical note] CARLA     [recognizing him] What the--?  Phil?  [freaking, but trying to talk slow]  Go.  Go now.  Calling security! SOUND     DOOR SLAMS CARLA     [breathing a little heavily]  Poor bastard.  [deep breath, then snide]  And poor Robbie. SOUND     SHARP FOOTSTEPS CARLA     Robbie, dear, are you dead yet? SOUND     FOOTSTEPS STOP SOUND     GUN COCKS CARLA     [a bit worried] Robbie?  Damn it, it wasn't that bad a shot.  ROBBIE     [distant scream] CARLA     Ah.  Better than a blood trail. SOUND     CAUTIOUS FOOTSTEPS SOUND     DOOR PUSHED OPEN SOUND     NASTY CHEWING NOISES RICK     [mushy zombie moan] ROBBIE     [weak] Help me! CARLA     [disgusted]  Sorry Robbie.  Tiny gun like this is only good on soft tissue.  Won't even crease a skull.  I'll go get something bigger. RICK     [LOUD MOAN] CARLA     [dismissive] Filthy rotting thing. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS, LOCKS CARLA     How in blazes did it get in, anyway? SOUND     COMPUTER TURNS ON, TYPING CARLA     What the-- [offended]  No connection!  Some bastard's hacked my system!  Fine.  You think you can screw with me? SOUND     SLAM HAND ON KEYS CARLA     [dangerous] You've got another think coming. MUSIC   SCENE 14.     CARLA'S HOME, WHERE THE ZOMBIE IS VOICEBOX     Now she will find her guns are useless.  RICK     [moaned]  What about him? VOICEBOX     Were you in time? RICK     [moaned] Don't know. VOICEBOX     We'll soon see. MUSIC   SCENE 15.     CARLA'S HOME, UPSTAIRS SOUND     DRAWER SLAMMING OPEN, SEARCHING CARLA     What the blazes?  SOUND     DRAWER SLAMMING OPEN, PULLED OUT ON FLOOR CARLA     Who's been in here? SOUND     COMPUTER OPENS, TAP A FEW KEYS CARLA     Shit!  Nothing! SOUND     SLAMS THE KEYS CARLA     [deep breath] There's always an answer.  SOUND     OPENS PHONE, PUNCHES NUMBERS TICK     [on phone]  Yes? CARLA     [intense, trying for calm]  Need help now. TICK     Bit early for cleanup. CARLA     There are... mobiles... on my property. TICK      [indifferent] Call security. CARLA     What?  How can you--? TICK     I make deliveries.  I push things into place.  I don't ride up on a white horse and save anyone.  Call the cops. SOUND     HANG UP CARLA     Bastard!   SOUND     DIALS AGAIN SOUND     BUSY SIGNAL CARLA     What the‑‑? SOUND     DIALS AGAIN SOUND     RINGS OPERATOR     [weary] What is the nature of your emergency? CARLA     Zombies! OPERATOR     [bland, sigh] Of course.  Are they in your house? CARLA     How can you be so calm?  They're after me! OPERATOR     Ma'am.  It's my job to be calm.  Now why don't you take a deep breath and get some calm, yourself.  CARLA     Do you know who I am? OPERATOR     Carla Skray, 118 north ridge road-- CARLA     I am the CEO of Tammuz. OPERATOR     I'm very sorry madame CEO, but all units are currently engaged at the riot. CARLA     Riot?  What riot? SOUND     THUMP ON DOOR OPERATOR     The zombie riot.  They’re very upset over the ...incident... this afternoon. SOUND     LOUDER THUMP CARLA     They're at the door! OPERATOR     Ma'am, trust me when I say zombies are just as afraid of you as you are of them. CARLA     That doesn't help! OPERATOR     I can put you on the list, but we suggest you get into a bathroon, your car, or some other lockable enclosed space. SOUND     HANG UP, DIAL TONE CARLA     Bitch.  You're SO fired come Monday.  [musing, calmer]  Car.  Yes. SOUND     HEAVIER THUMP, DOOR SHUDDERS CARLA     [almost cheery] Not that way. SOUND     A COUPLE OF STEPS, CURTAIN MOVES CARLA     Hmm.  I would have expected a crowd.  SOUND     WINDOW SHOVED UP SOUND     THUMP ON DOOR, DOOR SPLINTERS OPEN CARLA     Damn.  No shoes.  Fine. SOUND     SHAMBLING FOOTSTEPS ENTER RICK     [moaning] Carla. CARLA     [grunts as she climbs out the window]  RICK     [moving closer] Carla. CARLA     [looking over her shoulder] [musing] Along the ledge to the tree.  RICK     Carla. CARLA     What?  [suddenly realizing]  Rick?  What in blue blazes is this? RICK     Carla. CARLA     Reunion later, darling.  For now, you can go to blazes. SOUND     FOLLOWS HER OUT THE WINDOW INTO THE NIGHT NO MUSIC   SCENE 16.     CARLA'S HOME, ON LEDGE OUTSIDE SOUND     CREAKS AS SHE MOVES ALONG THE LEDGE CARLA     [grunts] Just a little farther... SOUND     RUSTLE OF LEAVES CARLA     [spiteful laugh] RICK     [off]  Carla! CARLA     and... GO! SOUND     HEAVY RUSTLE AS SHE JUMPS INTO THE TREE CARLA     Now I merely have to get down.  [almost amused] Or I could just stay here - it's not as if they climb.  [back on track]  No.  Better safe.  And quickly. SOUND     CELLPHONE RINGS SOUND     STARTLED SCUFFLE CARLA     [panicky] Shit! SOUND     RINGS AGAIN CARLA     Yes.  Yes! SOUND     FUMBLING WITH PHONE, ALMOST DROPS, CATCHES, FINALLY ANSWERS CARLA     [almost breathless] Yes!!  Hello? MONICA     [phone]  Ms. Skray? CARLA     Monica?  What do you want? SOUND     WIND, CREAK OF TREE MONICA     I left some papers in your desk.  I'm so sorry - I know you wanted them-- CARLA     Get your ass over here.  I'll meet you out front of the house. MONICA     I...  [puzzled] um...All right. MUSIC   SCENE 17.     CARLA'S HOME, OUTSIDE IN CAR SOUND     CAR PULLS IN AND STOPS.  SOUND     XMAS MUSIC PLAYING QUIETLY ON CAR STEREO SOUND     BEEP, PHONE HANGS UP MONICA     [Humming to herself] SOUND     QUICK TAP ON WINDOW MONICA     [gasp of surprise] SOUND     ELECTRIC WINDOW ROLLS DOWN MONICA     I was gonna come on up! CARLA     Open the bloody door.  We're getting out of here. MONICA     Huh? CARLA     Quickly! SOUND     DOOR LOCKS OPEN MONICA     Okay. SOUND     DOOR YANKED OPEN, CARLA CLIMBS IN. CARLA     Just get me out of here. SOUND     DRIVING MONICA     Will this take long?  I'm supposed to meet my brother-- CARLA     I'm your boss.  Your brother has two good feet, doesn't he? MONICA     Well-- SOUND     CAR SLOWS, STOPS, CLICKING SOUND CARLA     What the hell are you doing--?  Don't stop! MONICA     The gate isn't opening. CARLA     What? MONICA     It opened when I came in. CARLA     What is wrong with everything tonight? MONICA     I'll call the police. CARLA     Fat lot of good that will do. MONICA     What do you want me to do? CARLA     You wouldn't have a gun or anything, would you? MONICA     Huh? MUSIC   SCENE 18.     CARLA'S HOME, FRONT DOOR SOUND     HOUSE DOOR OPENS SLOWLY, CAREFULLY MONICA     Do you see anything? CARLA     Shh! MONICA     Do you really need me?  My brother-- CARLA     Your brother, your brother!  What about your employer?  The one who authorizes your generous paychecks? MONICA     Of course.  I just haven't seen him in three years. CARLA     Stay close and keep your eyes peeled. SOUND     CAUTIOUS FOOTSTEPS MONICA     What am I looking for? CARLA     Zombies. MONICA     Oh.  Weren't we looking for the gate opener? CARLA     Small white box.  Should be right there on the counter. MONICA     There's nothing there. CARLA     Crap.   SOUND     DISTANT MOANING CARLA     They're all over the place! MONICA     You mean they're really in your house?  What about your security? CARLA     You think you're surprised?  There's at least two, maybe three of them. SOUND     STEPS INSIDE AND SHUTS THE DOOR MONICA     Three? [gasp - a bit horrified - she knows what that means]  Ohh.  [almost a stifled sob, then]  Where else would the opener be? CARLA     Over here.  Keep an eye out. MONICA     For what? CARLA     [grim] Anything that moves. MONICA     [gasp] CARLA     What? MONICA     Should we be watching for... blood? CARLA     [concerned] Not over there. SOUND      QUICK STEPS, THEN SLOW. SOUND     MUSIC BOX PLAYS CARLA     [gasp] How could he have--? MONICA     At least there's no zombies. CARLA     Shut up!  SOUND     SLOW FOOTSTEPS CARLA     Phil?  Come out, you filthy maggot. MONICA     [dark subtext] Who's Phil? CARLA     Nothing that concerns you.  Watch out there and make sure nothing rotting sneaks up on me.  MONICA     Okey-dokey. SOUND     STEPS, DOOR CLOSES CARLA     [dismissive noise]  Damn that musicbox.  I should have realized. MUSIC   SCENE 19.     CARLA'S HOME, ELSEWHERE ZOMBIE RICK     Ready yet? VOICEBOX     Not yet.  How is number three? ZOMBIE RICK     I look. [number three is Robbie, who is turning into a zombie] MUSIC   SCENE 20.     CARLA'S HOME, FRONT DOOR SOUND     MUSIC BOX SLAMS SHUT CARLA     [muttering to self] If I thought those undercooked potatoes were capable of planning, I might think this was some sort of game. ZOMBIE PHIL     Carla. CARLA     Hah!  Phil.  You've let yourself go. ZOMBIE PHIL     You killed me here. CARLA     And you made such a mess. ZOMBIE PHIL     You did this.  CARLA     [taunting] I'm sorry, can you speak a little clearer?  No?  Well, I never married you for scintillating conversation. SOUND     GRABS LAMP CARLA     Come a little closer, sweetcheeks. ZOMBIE PHIL     Carla.... SOUND     SWING AND THUMP, SQUISH, BODY FALL ZOMBIE PHIL     ohhhh. CARLA     Never were the sharpest pencil in the box, Phil.  Ungh!  [Starts to swing the lamp again] SOUND     DOOR OPENS MONICA     Incoming!  [shocked] What are you doing?  CARLA     Who's out there? ZOMBIE PHIL     [miserable moan] MONICA     A... mobile.  I don't know.  Were you going to hit that one?  [like if she was going to kick a dog] CARLA     Purely self defense. ZOMBIE PHIL     [whimper] MONICA     But he's not doing anything now. CARLA     It is playing you. MONICA     Let's just get out of here.  Security can remove them without-- CARLA     What are you, a sympathizer? MONICA     If there's a lot of them, killing one would just make them mad!  There are laws, you know. SOUND     LAMP SET DOWN CARLA     Fine.  We'll just lock him in here, and let justice take its course.  SOUND     DOOR OPENS MONICA     All clear. CARLA     Bye, Phil. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS SOUND     NOISE OF OVERHEAD SPEAKER COMING ON VOICEBOX     [over tannoy]  Carla Skray.  Murderer. CARLA     [gasp of fury] MONICA     Huh?  What do they mean? CARLA     When did you start listening to anonymous callers? VOICEBOX     [over tannoy] Rick Thompson, your first husband.  CARLA     Whoever that is, they have to be in the security office!  Come on. SOUND     QUICK FOOTSTEPS VOICEBOX     [over tannoy] No one has heard from Rick in six years. MONICA     [hustling] Did you--? CARLA     [hustling] Rick left.  We divorced in absentia. MONICA     So the voice--? SOUND     FEET STOP CARLA     If you're going to start questioning me, you might as well leave my house and take your chances with the rotting hordes that might be out there.  MONICA     [gasp, then small] I-- I didn't mean to accuse you. CARLA     You might still be employed tomorrow. SOUND     STOMPS OFF. MUSIC   SCENE 21.     CARLA'S HOME, WITH ZOMBIES ROBBIE     [gasp awake, then thickly] What happened? RICK     You're one of us now. ROBBIE     A... zombie? RICK     An exxxxx. MUSIC   SCENE 22.     CARLA'S HOME, FRONT DOOR VOICEBOX     [tannoy] Phil Carter.  Husband number two. MONICA     [whispered, straining] I don't see anyone. CARLA     Someone has to be in there. MONICA     [nervous]  Should we go in? CARLA     Take another look. MONICA     [gasp] VOICEBOX     [tannoy] Disappeared three years ago, after a mere two years of [sarcastic] wedded bliss. CARLA     This asswipe is going down. MONICA     [whispered] I still don't see- [gasp]  There!  CARLA     What? MONICA     Right beside the door, just a shadow - he's standing just out of sight!  We should just go! PHIL     [off]  Carla! CARLA     How the--?  Didn't you lock that door? MONICA     I thought I did! RICK     [off] Carla! CARLA     Of course, it would be Rick too. MONICA     They're coming from both sides! CARLA     Whoever's in there is behind this! SOUND     RATTLE OF KNOB MONICA     It's locked! CARLA     Here, let me! SOUND     GUNSHOT SOUND     THUMP CARLA     Ow! MONICA     Did you see where that came from? CARLA     My arm!  I've been shot! MONICA     It went right by me!  I swear I felt it! CARLA     [groan]  You think one of them can hit the broadside of a barn? MONICA     Maybe there's someone else.  [muttered] Someone who hasn't been murdered. CARLA     Can you see anyone-- SOUND     CLICK MONICA     [gasp] Not now I can't!  The lights! CARLA     We need to get moving. MONICA     But your arm-- CARLA     It's my legs that can move faster than those lumps of gristle. MONICA     Come on! SOUND     POUNDING ALONG THE WALL CARLA     Could you be a little quieter?  They wouldn't even have to have ears to hear you! MONICA     I could just leave you here at their mercy! CARLA     What mercy could they have? MONICA     More than you, from the sound of it! SOUND     SLAP MONICA     [gasp] CARLA     [cold] Find a door. MONICA     [whimper] SOUND     GENTLE TAPPING, DOORKNOB RATTLES, TURNS SOUND     DOOR OPENS CARLA     [whispers] Is there a light? SOUND     CLICK CLICK MONICA     Uh-uh [no].  They must have put it out at the breaker. CARLA     Do you hear any thing in there? MONICA     [a moment]  No. CARLA     Let me check. SOUND     SHE MOVES IN MONICA     [a moment, then whispered]  Anything? CARLA     No. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS, LOCKS NO MUSIC   SCENE 23.     CARLA'S HOME, DEEP CLOSET MONICA     [outside] Ms. Skray?  Ms. Skray? SOUND     POUNDING CARLA     [deep, relieved breaths, then half a chuckle]  Hah.  Note to self.  Need new assistant.  [afterthought] And new husband. PHIL     [weird slurp] CARLA     What the--? SOUND     LIGHT CLICKS ON CARLA     [gasp] ALL - PHIL, ROBBIE, RICK [moaning] CARLA     [screams] MONICA     [muffled] Everything all right in there? CARLA     Open this door! MONICA     [outside, venomous] I wasn't talking to you. VOICE BOX     [outside] [speaks very slowly] PHIL?  OK? CARLA     Phil?  [incredulous] PHIL?  ZOMBIE PHIL     [moans louder] SOUND SWITCHES TO OUTSIDE MONICA     I told you my brother was coming for a visit. CARLA     [behind door] Stop touching me, you filthy-- Ugh!  [noises of disgust] MONICA     I just didn't mention you already knew him.  Funny how those things work, eh, boss? SOUND     [behind door] SLAPPING MONICA AND VOICE BOX    Let me know when it's over. CARLA     [Screams] MUSIC   SCENE 24.     LATER MUSIC     FADES INTO NEWS JINGLE NEWSCASTER     And in other news, the controversy over rights for the animate unliving has been struck a terrible blow over the holiday season.  SOUND     RIOTING ON BACKUP SCREEN NEWSCASTER     Riots have popped up in various parts of the outer city, home to most of the area's AU population, but an injury and death toll is difficult to calculate.  Here with a word on the issues is Tammuz CEO, Carla Skray. SOUND     SWOOSH NOISE CARLA     [zombie sounding]  I have been reconsidering [is suddenly speeded up to normal vocal speed] my position on the issue of rights, and have decided that I am willing to make certain concessions... SOUND     TV TURNED OFF   SCENE 25.     CARLA'S OFFICE, NOW MONICA'S OFFICE MONICA     That was perfect!  Now, let's see about that raise. CARLA     [unhappy moan] ZOMBIE PHIL     [laughs] RICK AND ROBBIE  [join in the mushy laughter] MUSIC END   [note:  This is very loosely based on A Christmas Carol.  Carol=Carla.  LOL  Instead of three ghosts, she gets visits from her zombified ex husbands, and through a change of heart - in this case, being turned into a zombie - she changes her attitude toward people.]  
Episode Artwork

The Gift of the Zombi by Julie Hoverson (with a wink and a nod to O. Henry) 19 Nocturne Boulevard's Reissue of the Week

Ben and Mia, young zombies in love, search for the perfect xmas present in a world of the walking dead.    Cast List Mia - Brenda Dau Ben - Derek M. Koch                 of Mail Order Zombie Geek - Glen Hallstrom Tick - Frankenvox Chuck - Bob Noble Andy - Reynaud LeBoeuf Doris - Julie Hoverson Sheri - Crystal Thomson Ted - J. Spyder Isaacson Voicebox - Beverly Poole Fred & Bob - Big Anklevich           & Rish Outfield           of Dunesteef Audio Magazine Ben's Double - Danar Hoverson Mia's Double - Julie Hoverson Other zombies:  Al Aseoche, Jacquie Duckworth, Reynaud LeBoeuf, Jack Hosley, Sidney Williams, Glen Hallstrom, Bob Noble, Brian Weingartner, Ferguson and family, Robyn Keyes, Kim Poole, Michael Hudson. Music by Jason Shaw ( Show theme:  Kevin MacLeod ( Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an apartment on the wrong side of town, can't you tell?" ******************************************************************************************** GIFT OF THE ZOMBI   Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Mia, zombie (20s) dating Ben Ben, zombie (20s) dating Mia Ted, zombie (30s), Mia's horny neighbor Andy, henpecked zombie (40s) Doris, Andy's wife (40s) Geek, a broker (30s) Sheri, a lovelorn friend (20s) Tick, an unscrupulous intact (human, 30s) Fred, a zombie (any) Bob, another zombie (any) Chuck, overseer zombie (any) Voicebox - mechanical translator   ALL ZOMBIES (unless noted as exceptions, below) have dual vocal tracks - the "zombie-voice" track, which is unintelligible, but vaguely mirrors the normal voice and events, and the "mind voice" (sounds like a voiceover), which is how they sound to each other.  /n = normal"mind voice" /z = "zombie voice" There are places where we only hear the zoombie voice.   Exceptions:  DORIS has no "mind voice", just incoherent shrieks GEEK only has a zombie voice, but he is clearly understandable, if still zombie-like TICK is human, and has no zombie-voice.   NOTE:  The zombie apocalypse has come and been dealt with more or less.  Zombies might still attack humans, if they see them, but humans tend to live in the walled cities and have become somewhat mythological to the zombies outside.  Zombies still are self-aware, but they think and speak so very slowly that they are difficult for humans to understand.  Conversely, to a zombie, humans seem to speak incredibly fast - almost incomprehensibly so.  That's why humans developed the voicebox to take what they say and slow it down enough for a zombie to understand. OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a crumbling apartment building, can't you tell?  MUSIC SCENE 1.     MIA'S APARTMENT SOUND      WIND-UP ALARM GOES OFF SOUND     FLIES IN THE B/G THROUGHOUT MIA/Z     [distant moan of awakening, which continues, sporadically,  punctuating the narrative] MIA/n     I hate Mondays.  SOUND     ALARM SLAPPED OFF TABLE, STOPS RINGING SOUND     STUMBLING FOOTSTEPS MUSIC     VAGUE WARPED CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYS SOMEWHERE MIA/n     It doesn’t help that it's two days til Christmas and I haven’t got Ben his present. MIA/z     [roar of anger] SOUND      SOMETHING CRASHES TO FLOOR, GLASS BREAKS. MIA/N     The holidays just bring out the worst in me. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE MIA/N     [sigh] Checking my stitches in the mirror - nice to see nothing weird happened in the night.  I love the hot pink against my pale skin.  [beat] I know I'm swimming against the tide, but I still like to look nice, even when no one else gives a hang.  They're welcome to run around unwashed, in raggedy-ass clothes, just leaves more Prada for me. SOUND     SPRAY CAN PSSHT, FLIES STOP, TINY DROPPING NOISES MIA/n     A little spray - no water, that's just asking for mold - and I'm ready to face the day. SOUND     [under the next] SHAMBLING FOOTSTEPS OUT OF BATHROOM AGAIN, STRUGGLES FEET INTO SHOES, NOW SHAMBLING FEET ARE IN HEELS.  MIA/n     Ben's gift is the big problem.  I know what I want to get him, but it won't come cheap.  There just aren't that many floating around out there. MUSIC       SCENE 2.     OUTSIDE SOUND     NO TRAFFIC. JUST BIRDS, SHAMBLING FOOTSTEPS, OR OCCASIONAL BREAKING THINGS. SOUND     STRUGGLE WITH OBJECTS, THINGS FALL AWAY BEN/z     [moans, fighting his way to his feet] BEN/n     [hungover sounding] Wow, what did I do last night?  BEN/z     [shake head noise] BEN/n     Oh, crap - Mia'll be expecting me-- SOUND     SHAMBLING FEET SPEED UP BEN/n     For all her persnickityness, Mia is totally the greatest babe around, and I am sooo lucky that I'm the one she's into.  I figured for the longest time that she was just slumming with a grot like me - right up until we really did it.  Went whole hog and did the handfast.  It's like always having a piece of her with me.  [note:  in this case, the handfast was actually trading hands.  zombies can buy and sell body parts and trade them with one another] ANDY/z     [morning] BEN/z     [yo!  How's it going?] ANDY/z     [falling moan, ending in a squeal] BEN/n     Don't I know it!  Man, if ever a guy was whipped, Andy is the poster boy.  He's gonna catch hell for not getting home to Doris last night.  Almost tempting to stay and see the fray, but meeting Mia is the only thing on my maggoty little mind right now. MUSIC   SCENE 3.     MIA'S STAIRCASE SOUND     BODY FALLS DOWN STAIRS, FOLLOWED BY THE CLATTER OF A SHOE. MIA/z     [distraught moan] MIA/n     Darn stair carpet.  Darn heels.  SOUND     FEELING AROUND FOR THE SHOE AND PUTTING IT BACK ON MIA/n     Alas, vanity doesn't come cheap.  Ben loves my little foibles.  He understands why it matters so much to me, to be beautiful for him.  Looking back at my pink stitches, almost tripping as I crane my neck to see, I wonder whether he will like them as much as I do. SOUND     SHAMBLING FEET IN HEELS AGAIN, ANOTHER SET OF FEET COMES ON TED/z     [moan approaches, vaguely suggestive] MIA/z     [dismissive moan] MIA/n     Not today, Ted.  I don't have time for any of your nonsense. TED/z     [moan ending in a squeak/question] MIA/n     I'm with Ben, Ted.  You know that.  I'm not giving up what I have with him.  He has my hand, and my promise.  He even has my heart ... just in the old-fashioned way. TED/z     [mournful and pissed moan] MIA/n     Yeah, yeah, yeah - if you were the last one on earth, maybe. MIA/z     [roar/moan as she brushes him aside] SOUND     STUMBLING FEET QUICKLY TO DOOR, SLAMS OPEN, TUMBLES THROUGH MIA/z     [roar of triumph] MIA/N     First time!! [made it on the first try!]  This is gonna be a great day! MUSIC   SCENE 4.     OUTSIDE, NEAR BEN ANDY/z     [cursing groan] ANDY/n     Come on, Ben.  Doris likes you!  If I say you needed my help, she'll buy it! BEN/z     [dismissive groan] SOUND     SHAMBLING FEET MOVING AWAY, STUMBLING AFTER ANDY/z     [dude] ANDY/N     Dude!  Come on-- DORIS/z     [distant strident squeal] ANDY/n     Oh, crap! SOUND     SOMETHING WET SPLATS ON PAVEMENT, THEN DISTANT FEET APPROACHING ANDY/z     [strange gurgling warble] ANDY/n     [sigh] I lose more tongues that way. DORIS/z     [strident squeal, closer] MUSIC   SCENE 5.     OUTSIDE NEAR MIA'S BUILDING SOUND     HIGH HEEL SHAMBLE MIA/z     [low moan] GEEK/z     [he speaks clear enough to understand, but still zombie-like] [hey, fingers!] MIA/z     [quizzical] MIA/n     Yeah, what's it to you? GEEK/z     [you got any to spare?] MIA/n     No!  I like mine right where they are. GEEK/z     [get you a good price.  Fingers are always top value.] MIA/z     [sharp moan of anger] MIA/n     Look - these five are my boyfriend's, and this one says-- MIA/z     [fuck you] GEEK/z     [you'll be back [louder] they always come back!!] MIA/n     Damn parts brokers - [jealous] always have the best tongues. MUSIC   SCENE 6.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE [note:  throughout the rest of the show, unless otherwise noted, appropriate zombie noises play under] MIA     [calling]  Hey babycakes! BEN     [off]  Yo sweet thang! SOUND     PLODDING FOOTSTEPS COME TOGETHER MIA     Mm.  Missed you! BEN     Double that. SOUND     DISGUSTING SLOPPY LICKY KISSY NOISES MIA     [mild slurp, then hot]  You are such a good kisser.  BEN     Don't know how I'd get up each day without you to look forward to. MIA     [giggles]  BEN     Let's walk.  Want to show you something. MIA     Oh?  Well, I've got a little time before hitting the old treadmill. BEN     You know I'd support you if I could-- MIA     I like looking after my own needs.  [flirting] Leaves you to look after my wants. BEN     Ooh! MUSIC   SCENE 7.     OUTSIDE, NEAR STORE SOUND     PLODDING FEET MIA     I should have worn more convenient shoes. BEN     Sorry!  Almost there. MIA     What  [awe]  Oh! BEN     I thought you might say that.  Just saw them.  Of course, they're not cheap. MIA     [drooling -- zombie noises under get really slobbery] Patent leather, thigh high - oh, I'd never have to take them off! BEN     The heels aren't too high, are they? MIA     [sigh of ecstasy]  I love stacks... MUSIC   SCENE 8.     OUTSIDE, Later BEN     [bummed] I was right, she loved the boots. ANDY     And how much did you say they were? BEN     More than I've had in living memory. ANDY     At any one time? BEN     EVER.  ANDY     Woah.  Well, suppose you can hit the mills like the rest of us schmoes - if you're truly that desperate. BEN     [scoff noise]  The mills?  It'd take me ten years - and they'd probably sell by then. ANDY     What, then?  Go out snatching?  That's pretty much your only other option. BEN     [sighs]  I thought I might ask around, see what I could borrow-- ANDY     Woah, there!  You know Doris holds the purse strings! BEN     If I was going to snatch anyone, I'd snatch her - she's got enough body for three. ANDY     [musing] You know...  That's not a bad idea. BEN     [disturbed] Serious? ANDY     Nah.  I'd fall apart without her keeping me moving.  I guess that's love. BEN     [agreeing hmph] MUSIC   SCENE 9.     TREADMILLS SOUND     HEAVY WHIRRING NOISE UNDER.  DISTANT NORMAL STREET SOUNDS MIA     Hey! OTHER ZOMBIES     [Morning!] [nice to see you!] [Mia!  Looking good!] SOUND     MANY PLODDING FEET MIA     Hey Chuck!  Got a space? CHUCK     For you?  Always, babe.  Wanna lose the heels first? MIA     Brought my work shoes.  Just need a moment at the bench. CHUCK     I'd offer to help, but...[chuckles]  Thank god for velcro, eh? MIA     Hah!  I have all my fingers. CHUCK     [chuckles] Coulda fooled me - [teasing] That looks like your fellow's hand...? MIA     [chuckles]  Jealous? MUSIC   SCENE 10.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE [note - Ben has zombie noises under, geek does not - he always sounds like a zombie trying to talk] GEEK     [Psst.] BEN     What? GEEK     [heard you were having some money troubles.] BEN     What's it to you? GEEK     [I might be able to help you with that.] BEN     I don't think so.  I don't have anything I feel like selling. GEEK     [You got some extra fingers.  An entire hand that looks... spare] BEN     No way. Man!  That's - that's Mia's hand!  I should smack you with it just for suggesting that! GEEK     [Hey!  I don't want no trouble!  I'm just a businessman!] BEN     [spits out the word] Businessman.  You're a parts broker.  GEEK     [Yeah, and we both know you come to me when you need something, then you spit on me when I try to help you out.] SOUND     SHUFFLING FEET START TO LEAVE BEN     Wait. GEEK     [what?] BEN     What - what's in high demand? GEEK     [What?] BEN     I mean, if I was... going to sell something ...just if... what would you be [reluctant, forcing the words out] paying the best prices for? GEEK     [[chuckles] See?  When you need me--] BEN     Cut the crap and tell me. GEEK     [Appendages are always good.  Fingers, noses, ears.  And soft parts, like tongues and, uh.... [suggestive] you know.]  BEN     [gulp] GEEK     [Toes not so much - most just get by without - unless you have a complete foot somewhere - those are collectible, but only in pristine condition.  Eyes are pretty good, and you hardly need two.]  BEN     What about parts that - aren't mine? GEEK     [Stolen parts?  What makes you think I trade dirty?] BEN     Your type always does. GEEK     [[pissed again] My type?  My type?  I think you just talked yourself out of a good deal, pal.] BEN     Shit, I-- GEEK     [incoherent roar, as he leaves] MUSIC   SCENE 11.     TREADMILL AMB - underlying zombies moans, many many plodding feet MIA     [no specific moaning for this speech] Being on the treadmill gives you plenty of time to think.  You stare at the back of the guy in front of you and wonder what's going through his head.  Ben doesn't like the nine to five, but I figure - heck, you gotta do something, and if you feel the urge to walk, might as well get paid for it, right? SOUND     SOMEONE CLIMBS ON THE TREADMILL [vocals have zombie noises under again] TED     Hey Mia! MIA     [sigh] Hi Ted. TED     Funny running into you here.  Shove over? MIA     Right.  Like I don't do this every day.  No room. SHERI     Hey Mia! [warm] Hey Ted. TED     [dismissive] Sheri. [wheedling] Come on, Mia, squeeze in a little.  There's space next to you if you make room. MIA     Sorry, Ted [she's not].  Been saving that for... Sheri. SHERI     Huh? TED     Sheri won't mind - will you? SHERI     I - I guess not... MIA     Oh, no Ted.  We have girl talking to do.  Bye-bye.  Hop up Sheri. TED     Fine.  See you at end of shift? MIA     [muttered] Not if I see you first.  SOUND     TED FLOPS OFF MIA     [up]  I don't know what you see in him, Sher. SHERI     Neither do I.  Pheromones I guess. MIA     Well, he does smell. SHERI     [on an ecstatic sigh] Yes. MIA     [ugh]  Hey, Sher, I gotta problem. SHERI     Oh?  [horrified] You didn't... break up with Ben? MIA     No!  Why would you say that? SHERI     Nothing. MIA     Did you hear something, or are you just worried that Ted might somehow luck out and catch me on the rebound? SHERI     Um.  The second one. MIA     Kinda thought so.  O-K, passing over your insecurity, can we discuss my problem? SHERI     [relieved] Sure! MIA     I found the perfect present for Ben, and I don't know how I'm gonna afford it.  SHERI     You you said he's missing? MIA     Yeah.  All his fleshy parts haven't lasted so well - I keep telling him that sleeping rough isn't good for him, but he hates being cooped up.  Says being nibbled on by rats is preferable to a cage. SHERI     You live in a cage? MIA     He means an apartment.  SHERI     Oh.  Well, I'm sure he looks fine without one.  You see plenty of missing ones out there every day. [NOTE:  they're discussing noses, but it makes it sound like something more suggestive] MIA     I know, but he would - well, from things he's said, he would actually LIKE one.  Make him feel like a new man.  I thought I might get him one of those artificial ones - you know, cast in plastic?  In a skin tone, though - not one of those weird colored ones. SHERI     They're all the rage with the trendoids these days, the neon ones.  I guess they figure if it's gonna look fakey, might as well make a statement.  And some of them get freakishly big. MIA     Well, I found a place to get something real high quality.  Won't look fake at all.  They'll even tint it to match his skin.  And it won't rot or fall off.  Guaranteed to last.  Not even a nibble. SHERI     It won't make him smell any better. MIA     No, but I get the feeling he would be more secure in our relationship if he - well - if he fit more the image he thinks I'd go for. SHERI     Someone with all their parts? MIA     Oh, heck.  I'd love Ben with or without any number of parts, but he seems to think I'd like him better if he actually had a nose. SHERI     [hmm]  I could maybe loan you a little-- MIA     No, this guy charges a bunch.  I'm actually tempted to sell a part or two - something I don't use, or not so much, you know? SHERI     Don't go there.  Starts out simple, a finger here, an ear there, and then - voila!  You end up checking people in at work like "Chuck, the torso" - stuck in admin cuz you got no limbs left.  Or worse - that guy who talks out his neck since he woke up one morning and his head was gone. MIA     [sigh] You're probably right.  MUSIC   SCENE 12.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE AMB     SLIGHT ECHO - AND A DRIP SOMEWHERE SOUND     FLOPPY STEPS IN WATER [note     Tick speaks slowly and has no zombie echo, Ben sounds completely zombie - no voice over - for this scene TICK     You looking for me? BEN     [gasp] [what?] SOUND     STUMBLE FLOPPY STEPS IN WATER TICK     Don't bother - just stand still. BEN     [you're a - an intact?] TICK     And you're a dead lump of shit, but maybe we can help each other. BEN     [moan of acceptance] TICK     Good.  Now stay quiet while I tell you what we're doing here. BEN     [slurpy gasp] TICK     That's disgusting.  But I need a heap like you to front for me.  I have some... parts... to be disposed of, but I can't just wander into maggotville myself.  BEN     [Why me?] TICK     My source says you're tough and desperate.  And stupid. BEN     [stifled annoyed noise] TICK     So maybe he's wrong.  BEN     [I am desperate] TICK     [snort]  Fine.  Here's the deal - I don't give a flying fluck about your crappy corpse cash.  On the other hand, I like having folks - dead or alive - who owe me. BEN     [What you need from me?] TICK     I'll tell you when it comes up.  Right now, I just need this bag of ... parts to vanish.  BEN     [It's illegal.] TICK     [cajoling] They're nice and fresh.  [impatient] Fine.  Clock is ticking.  Tick tock.  Tick tock.  You even remember what "time" is, maggot? BEN     [It's almost Christmas.  [beat] I'll do it.] MUSIC   SCENE 13.     TREADMILL SOUND     TREADMILL, FEET PLODDING SHERI     You ever wonder what they do over there? MIA     [lost in a daze] Hmm?  Over the wall? SHERI      Yeah.  The [awed whisper] In-tacts? MIA     Don't know.  Don't care.  Except for when they come over here and drag off my friends, I say leave them alone.  SHERI     But you do believe in them, don't you? MIA     Believe in them?  What's to believe - we see them marching on the wall, and they're the ones who shell out for us to walk on this damn treadmill day and night.  They're as real as ... as... shoes.  SHERI     Some say we all came from in-tacts, way back when. MIA     [lightly sarcastic] Yes, and a wasp nest in your head is a sign of good luck and not just poor hygiene.  I swear Sheri, you'll believe anything. SHERI     You believe they carry people off, though? MIA     Well, yeah - we've all seen that.  They appear from nowhere, in those dark helmets and suits, and by the time you catch your breath, someone's vanished. SHERI     [awed] I saw one once. MIA     A kidnapping? SHERI     An in-tact. MIA     [half-teasing, half worried] You know, they say if you mentioned them three times, they'll appear out of thin air. SHERI     [agreeing, distant] They are really fast. MIA     [exasperated] Sheri!  Don't-- SHERI     I did, though!  I really saw one.  Not just in a suit and helmet like they usually are, but one right... up... close. MIA     [sighs, feels her pain]  Tell me about it? SHERI     It was a guy, I think, and the funny part is he looked so much like a regular person.  Just that he was so fast and he was - well - he had everything.  His skin was perfect, no holes or anything, and it was this warm rosy color.  I... yearned to touch him, but when I reached out, he turned and ran away.  MIA     [uncertain] That...must have been ....weird. SHERI     [almost teary] It was like I saw an angel, and it saw something horrible in me. MIA     Oh, Sheri-- SHERI     Maybe that's why Ted won't love me?  Because I'm horrible inside? MIA     Aw, Sheri.  [reassuring] We're all horrible inside.  And if anyone's seen an angel here and not realized it, Ted's the one.  He sees you every day and misses out every time he turns his back. SHERI     [sniff sniff] MUSIC   SCENE 14.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE SOUND     BAG PASSED WITH A SQUISH GEEK     [you sure you don't want any of them?] BEN     [upset] I... don't need any girl parts, thanks. GEEK     [Squeamish?  All you had to do was lug a bunch of fresh merchandise here to my humble workshop.] BEN     I've never.... felt... they were so [disgusted] warm. GEEK     [Fresher just means it'll last longer.  Nothing more.  You want your pay or not?] BEN     [down] Yeah. MUSIC   SCENE 15.     TREADMILL SHERI     --you know that guy Sam I was dating? MIA     [worn down] Yeah? SHERI     And how he was always mouthing off about-- SOUND     WHISTLE, END OF SHIFT MIA     [heartfelt] Oh yesss!  What a relief! SHERI     [not getting it] Yeah!  Let's go somewhere - I was in the middle of telling you about Sam. MIA     [almost panicky] Nah, save it for next time - I have to meet up with Ben. SHERI     It's so great to have someone to talk to while we walk - Tomorrow, same time? MIA     [transparently lying] Sure!  Oh, no - wait - I promised I would do this thing with Ben tomorrow. SHERI     What thing? MIA     [panicky, trying to cover] You mean I didn't mention the thing? I--uh-- SOUND     DISTANT ZOMBIE NOISES AND SCREAMS SHERI     What the--? MIA     Come on! SOUND     SLOW PLODDING.  LARGE GROUP OF ZOMBIES GATHERING MUSIC   SCENE 16.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE SOUND      SLOW PLODDING, ONE SET OF FEET ANDY     [distant] Ben!  Ben! BEN     [sigh] SOUND     PLODDING STOPS BEN     Yeah? SOUND     ANDY'S FEET APPROACH ANDY     [panicky] Ben, man, am I glad to see you - it's Doris!  Jeez, she slipped and I think something's broken! BEN     [muttered] Lucky you. [up] What do you mean? ANDY     Her leg - it snapped and now she can't get up!  What am I gonna do, Ben? BEN     Andy, Doris is such a-- ANDY     I know I know.  She gives me hell and treats me like a dog, but what can I do, Ben, I love her!  You gotta help me.  I'll do anything! BEN     Let me take a look. MUSIC   SCENE 17.     ALTERCATION SOUND     LOTS OF SHAMBLING FEET, MOANS MIA     What happened? SHERI     Where's everyone going? FRED     It's one of the overseers! MIA     An in-tact?  What happened? BOB     I seen the whole thing!  He fell off the wall and someone made a grab fer him! SHERI     Oh no! FRED     Oh, yeah!  He's somewhere in the middle of the dogpile there. MIA     Isn't anyone helping? BOB     What are you, some kind of pervert?  This is an [spits out the word] In-tact.  [excited] They're tearing him apart! MIA     We should get out of here! SHERI     B-but - They're gonna kill him! MIA     [sad] I know, and there's nothing we can do about it.  And we want to be out of here before they bring out the big guns. SOUND     DRAGGING, SHUFFLING AWAY FROM THE FRACAS SHERI     But what if he's that same one I saw before? MIA     By now - you probably wouldn't know him.  MUSIC   SCENE 18.     ANDY'S PLACE DORIS     [squeals piteously] BEN     Yep, that's a bad one.  Twisted all up like this. ANDY     Can't we do anything? BEN     I'm no reconstructor.  Maybe some duct tape and a stick? DORIS      [Squeals angrily] ANDY     He's just trying to help, honeybuunny. BEN     Yeah, chill honeybunny. DORIS     [squeals again, sort, sharp, warning.] ANDY     [quiet] You gotta help me, Ben - you're the only one I can turn to! BEN     Jeez Andy... [sigh]  You'll pay me back? ANDY     You know I'm good for it!  Soon as that leg's on, we'll both hit the treads every day til we cover it. BEN     [down] Sure.  I-- ANDY     Yes? BEN     [muttered] I didn't like the way it felt anyway.  [up] Here.  SOUND     PACKAGE CHANGES SLOPPY HANDS ANDY     What - is it? BEN     Enough to get her fixed up - you might go ahead and get her a new tongue while you're at it. ANDY     [very quiet] Oh.  No.  Let's not go completely overboard... MUSIC   SCENE 19.     OUTSIDE, LATER, TOGETHER SOUND     OUTSIDE. SHUFFLING FEET APPROACH MIA     There you are - I was beginning to worry. SOUND     BODY FALLS TO THE GROUND "ben relaxes" BEN     [oof, then] It's been a really... weird day. SOUND     BODY FALLS TO THE GROUND "mia relaxes" MIA     [oof, then agreeing] Tell me about it. BEN     [muttered] I would if I could. MIA     Hmm? BEN     Nah.  Doris broke her leg and Andy needed help with getting her fixed up. MIA     They better get her a good big leg.  She goes through so darn many. BEN     Really? It's happened before? MIA     Every couple of years.  I think the last time was before you showed up here. BEN     I am such a sucker. MIA     Whenever you start thinking like that, just look at Andy.  That'd make anyone feel superior. BEN     You always know just the right thing to say. MIA     Can't help it.  We're in tune.  BEN     Yeah, I guess we are.  About Christmas-- MIA     Don't worry - I love the boots! BEN     Oh, the boots... MIA     But only if you can afford them.  If you can't, I might be able to get them myself.  [sexy] You still get to enjoy them, though. BEN     [grim] I'll get them-- MIA     [sorry] I was just teasing. BEN     Don't worry.  [softening]  Like I said, it's been a really strange day. MUSIC   SCENE 20.     SEWER AGAIN TICK     [really fast] Yeah what? BEN     [slow gasp] TICK     [fast] crap. [deliberately going slower, down to normal speed]  What do you want? BEN     Geek said you have another job? TICK     Not so much a job as a favor. BEN     Need money. TICK     What happened to the packet I gave you before?  Never mind - don't want to know.  [speeding up a bit] Look.  I'm not some magic money tree. BEN     Oh. TICK     [slowing again]  See right now, you owe me a favor - but I can be gracious about it.  You give me what I need, and I will advance you what you need against the next job I give you.  Sound good? BEN     [carefully articulating] You pay now for next job if I do favor? TICK     There you go.  [quick] not so damn stupid after all. MUSIC   SCENE 21.     MIA'S APARTMENT SOUND     ALARM CLOCK SOUND      KNOCKED OFF TABLE MIA     [just like at beginning]  I hate Mondays. SOUND     DOORBELL RINGS MIA     Huh? MIA/Z     coming! SOUND     BAREFOOT SHUFFLE SOUND      DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN, QUICKLY AND REPEATEDLY MIA/Z     Hold your damn horses! SOUND      DOORKNOB FUMBLES, DOOR IS SLAMMED OPEN. SOUND     BODY FALLS MIA/Z     [annoyed] hey! SOUND     FEET MOVE QUICKLY INTO APARTMENT, SLAM DOOR MIA/Z     [scared] Who are you--? SOUND     SUPER-QUICK WHISPERED VOICES IN BACKGROUND VOICEBOX     [mechanical voice]  You were at the altercation near the wall yesterday. MIA/z     uhhh VOICEBOX     Yes or no.  We ask yes or no questions.  Answer yes or no. MIA/z     yesss. VOICEBOX     Did you take part-- MIA/z     NO! VOICEBOX     Did you see any of those who did? MIA/z     [uncertain] no. VOICEBOX     There was another female with you.  Did it see anything? MIA     Sheri? MIA/z     No. VOICEBOX     Please identify this female. MIA/z     No. VOICEBOX     That was not a question.  Identify the female that was with you. MIA     Yeah, right. MIA/z     [incoherent moan] VOICEBOX     Speak clearly. MIA/z     Naaame isss [incoherent moan] VOICEBOX     We are prepared to remove parts if you do not cooperate.  SOUND     STRUGGLE, KNIFE SNICKS OPEN MIA/z     ohh! MIA     No!  that's Ben's! [the hand they're threatening] VOICEBOX     Last chance.  The name. MIA/z     Naaame isss shhh-jerry  VOICEBOX     Jerry? MIA/z     [reluctantly agreeing] Uh-huh. VOICEBOX     Good.  [commanding, disgusted] Let it go. SOUND     BODY FLUNG TO FLOOR MIA/z     [moans unhappily] SOUND     FEET MARCH CRISPLY AWAY MUSIC   SCENE 22.     SEWER BEN     You want WHAT? TICK     Not like you'll miss it. BEN     I-I don't-- TICK     Hey, take it or leave it.  You owe me, but not like I'm gonna wrestle you down and steal it from you.  I got people - and your kind - who can do that for me. BEN     When you need? TICK     [irritated, speeding up] What do you mean when?  You think I don't mean now? [like the crack of doom, slowly and clearly] Now! BEN     Now... TICK     Tick-tock. BEN     [moans uncertainly, then glumly] yeah... MUSIC   SCENE 23.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE MIA/z      [muffled whispered moans] MIA      Psst! SHERI     Mia?  What's with the getup? MIA      Get over here! SOUND     SHUFFLING SHERI/z     [whiny querulous moan] SHERI     What? MIA      Ok, no one can see us-- SHERI     You look like a clown. MIA      Shh!  Sheri, have any of the overseers [gulps] "talked" to you? SHERI     In-tacts?  No! MIA      They found me.  They'll find you.  They want to know who killed that - in-tact - yesterday in the riot. SHERI     Gary?  Why? MIA      No-no-no-no!  I don't WANT to know who did it!  They're asking, and they threatened to cut... off-- [sob] Th-they threatened me!  SHERI     [still not understanding it] Why? MIA      They want to get the one who did it, I suppose!  They'll come after you! SHERI     How will they know to come for me? MIA      [evasive] Well - how did - how did they know to come for me? SHERI     Oh! MIA      So now you're warned - stay away from the treadmill! SHERI     [annoyed moan] MIA     Well, I wanted to warn you.  SOUND     MIA STARTS TO WALK AWAY, STRANGELY LIMPING SHERI     What's wrong?  Mia?  You're limping. MIA     Nothing.  Figured if I can't make the treadmill for a while, I'd need something to live on. SOUND     STUMBLING FEET APPROACH SHERI and MIA     [gasping moans] FRED     [gasp]  Oh, hey!  Don't tell anyone I'm here. MIA      They found you too? FRED     I - I heard they're coming - how'd you know? SHERI     We saw it happen. FRED     Woah!  You better hide.  Least for a while.  They're taking folks again. MUSIC   SCENE 24.     MIA'S APARTMENT  BEN     Mia? SOUND     TAPPING ON DOOR, DOOR CREAKS OPEN BEN     [worried now]  Mia? TED     [off, questioning moan] BEN     You Ted? TED     yeah [affirmative moan, voice getting clearer] BEN     Where the hell's Mia? TED     She took some stuff and left.  What's it to you? SOUND     SHUFFLE TURN BEN     I'm Ben. TED     Ugh!  What the hell does she see in you? MUSIC   SCENE 25.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE MIA     [off a bit]  Ben? BEN     [phantom of the opera cringing noise] What? MIA     Ben - I'm over here. BEN     Mia - don't look. MIA     [almost laughing] What? BEN     Please. MIA     All right.  I'll close my eyes. BEN     Thanks.  SOUND     SHUFFLING STEPS TO MIA BEN     Why are you hiding? MIA     I saw something - there are in-tacts maybe looking for me.  I don't know. BEN     They're just full of surprises, aren't they? MIA     Are they? SOUND     MOMENT OF JUST PLODDING ALONG TOGETHER BEN     Helluva way to spend the holidays. MIA     It is Christmas, isn't it?  [beat]  Can I look now? BEN     No!  [short barking laugh]  I - I know it's silly for me to be vain, but, uh - I lost something. MIA     I got you something! BEN     Don't turn around-- Ohhhh. [disappointed] MIA     [concerned] What happened? BEN     Some guy named Gary needed a new face.  MIA     [concerned for him] I hope you got something good for it. BEN     Actually I did.  Take off your shoes. MIA     [more panicked than should be] No! BEN     Don't worry - I'll carry them for you. MIA     No - I...  I kind of needed to make a trade too.  BEN     Your leg--? MIA     I guess feet with toes are sort of collectable. BEN     Oh.  I hope ... [chuckles]  I hope you got something good for it. MIA     [laughs a bit]  SOUND     STICKY SOUND AS SHE STROKES HIS RAW FLESH MIA     At least you kept your lips.  BEN     Are you kidding?  Had to keep those - they're my best feature. MIA     Well, here's a new one, but I don't know how it will go on - you might have to wait until you have a place to hang it again. SOUND     PACKAGE UNWRAPS, OPENS BEN     It's beautiful. MIA     It's latex.  It won't rot or get chewed on by rats.  I think I got the right color, but now - BEN     It's a fine nose. MIA     Not too big?  I mean, I never saw you with-- BEN     It's perfect. MIA     We should get going.  If they're still after me, we'll have to ... find some place else to-- BEN     Waitaminute.  Now you have to open yours. MIA     Oh, you--! SOUND     UNWRAPPING OF PAPER MIA     The patent leather! BEN     Yeah.  You know, maybe you could brace and stuff them-- MIA     It's just the one foot. BEN     Ok, stuff the one, and still walk on it. MIA     Not if we're going a long way - I don't want these puppies to get worn out on any stupid road trip.  [ecstatic intake of breath]  This is the best Christmas ever! BEN     You know?  I think you're right...  Here, take my hand. MIA     [teasing sweetly] That's my hand. BEN     Come on.  [grunt to help her up] MIA     Which way? [their voices, along with their moaning and plodding footsteps, begin to slowly fade out] BEN     A wise man once said "the sun never sets on those who ride into it".  [the quote is from the end of Shock Treatment] MIA     Which wise man was that? BEN     Um.... MIA     Are we talking like "three wise men" kind of wise man? BEN     Um - no.  I think it was... Richard O'Brien. MIA     Who? BEN     You know, the time warp guy. MIA     Oh, man - I haven't been to THAT movie in months. CLOSER  "The Gift of the Magi" is a famous story by O. Henry where a newlywed couple (around 1900) each sell something to buy the other a present - He sells his watch to get her a fancy hair comb and she sells her long hair to get him a new watch fob.  The entire story is inspired by this.    
12/8/202235 minutes, 4 seconds
Episode Artwork

Quail Seed (adapted by Julie Hoverson from a story by Saki) 19 Nocturne Boulevard's Reissue of the Week!

(sorry i missed a couple of weeks - been crazy busy)   Quail Seed A timely tale of marketing and social networking. [Saki was often way ahead of his time!] Announcer - Jennifer Dixon Mr. Scarrick - John Lingard Jimmy - Will Watt Lucy - Tanja Milojevic [Lightning Bolt Theater] Boy - Reynaud LeBoeuf Man - Anthony D.P. Mann [Horror Etc.] Miss Fritten - Robyn Keyes Mrs. Greyes - Jennifer Dixon Mrs. Gordon - Judith Moore Gloria - Beverly Poole Other women - Julie Hoverson Music by Kevin McLeod ( Picture by lucias_clay, found with help from Bill Jones.   Quail Seed Cast: Announcer Mr. Scarrick, shopkeeper Jimmy, Assistant Lucy, Jimmy's girl Boy Man/Beard Miss Fritten Mrs. Greyes Mrs. Gordon Miss Jones Miss Smith Gloria Mrs. Lipping   SAKI OPENING MUSIC SOUND      SHOP DOOR, BELL, FOOTSTEPS LUCY     Hello?  Helloooo? JIMMY     [close]  Morning, Lucy! LUCY     [startled gasp]  Jimmy! There you are.  Bit... empty in here, isn’t it? JIMMY     [heavy sigh] A bit. LUCY     But where are all the Christmas shoppers? JIMMY     Shh!  Whatever you do, don't ask that in front of Mr. Scarrick.  You'll quite set him off.  LUCY     Oh! JIMMY     It's all right, he's out at the moment. LUCY     [impressed] He left you in charge? JIMMY     [heavy sigh, morose]  Only in the certainty that there won't be a stampede on our services. LUCY     That bad, eh? JIMMY     Quite. SOUND     DOOR, BELL, FOOTSTEPS Miss Smith     Hello? SOUND     QUICK STEPS JIMMY     Yes?  How may I assist you? Miss Smith     [nervous] Oh, I was -um- just looking for a railway timetable?  I'm going up to the city-- [breaks off] JIMMY     Sorry.  Clean out.  Perhaps next week. MISS Smith     Ah.  Thank you. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS, BELL DOOR LUCY     You might have made a sale! JIMMY     She just wanted to look. LUCY     You don't know that. JIMMY     [bitter admission] She's the fourth today.  Everyone would rather take the train to town and shop in a big department store than [quoting] bother to take advantage of the convenience-- SOUND     DOOR BELL MISS Jones     Hello? JIMMY     ...and that's five. MUSIC SOUND     PUB SCARRICK     The outlook is not encouraging for us smaller businesses. SOUND     POURING DRINK SCARRICK     These big concerns are offering all sorts of attractions to the shopping public which we couldn't afford to imitate, even on a small scale--reading-rooms and play-rooms and gramophones and Heaven knows what. BOY     [normal, commiserating] People like shiny objects. SCARRICK     And they don't care to buy half a pound of sugar nowadays unless they can listen to Harry Lauder and have the latest Australian cricket scores ticked off before their eyes. MAN     Seems like quite a trip for sugar. SCARRICK     With the big Christmas stock we've got in we ought to keep half a dozen assistants hard at work, but as it is my nephew Jimmy and myself can pretty well attend to it ourselves.  In fact, I've left him in charge.  I've never done that before. BOY     I'm sure he'll be fine. SCARRICK     [drinks] It's a nice stock of goods, too.  I could run it all off in a few weeks time, but there's no chance of that--not unless the London line was to get snowed up for a fortnight before Christmas. MAN     [musing] How you gonna keep them home on the farm? MUSIC SOUND     SHOP DOOR, BELL MRS. GREYES     --so tedious, but there it is, and what else is one to do? MISS FRITTEN     We shall simply wait for the next--  SCARRICK     May I help you ladies? MRS. GREYES     Oh!  [evasive] Really, we just stopped in to see about --- about-- MISS FRITTEN     Bootlaces.  MRS. GREYES     Bootlaces!  Yes!  I've been in dire need of some-- SCARRICK     [hearty] Of course.  Over on the left wall, near the back. MRS. GREYES     Of course.  [whispering]  You knew he'd try and sell us something if we came in here!  Bootlaces indeed.  I already have more laces than boots! MISS FRITTEN     At least if we do make a purchase, they're small enough to carry when we go to-- MRS. GREYES     Shh! SCARRICK     Finding everything? MRS. GREYES     Oh, yes.  This is the best ... um... anchovy paste.  Just what I was looking for. MISS FRITTEN     Just lovely! SCARRICK     Perhaps you ladies could help me.  I was thinking of adding a little entertainment to the shop. MRS. GREYES     Oh? SCARRICK     I did have a sort of idea of engaging Miss Luffcombe to give recitations during afternoons; she made a great hit at the Post Office entertainment with her rendering of 'Little Beatrice's Resolve'. MISS FRITTEN     [very uncertain] Oh, that would be ...just ... lovely. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS ODDLY SCARRICK     What? SOUND     ODD FOOTSTEPS ENTER SCARRICK     [excusing himself] Your pardon. SOUND     SCARRICK GOES TO THE COUNTER MRS. GREYES     [whispered] Perhaps we should just do our shopping here. MISS FRITTEN     But I'm in my best hat! MRS. GREYES     Shh! Shh!  Look at that! MISS FRITTEN     What an odd looking boy.  Brown as a nut, but we've not had sun in weeks! MRS. GREYES     And those clothes.  Like something out of the Arabian nights! SOUND     CLANG BOY     [accented now] Six pomegranates, please, and a packet of quail seed. MISS FRITTEN     What's the bowl for? MRS. GREYES     To carry the pomegranates? MISS FRITTEN     Why not a string bag? MRS. GREYES     Allergies?  Shh! SCARRICK     [business as usual]   Here you are.  We have some lovely pomegranates. MISS FRITTEN     He doesn't even look surprised! MRS. GREYES     The boy must have been here before. SOUND     COIN SKITTERING, CAUGHT BOY     The wine and figs were not paid for yesterday.  Keep what is over of the money for our future purchases. SCARRICK     [formal and serious] As you wish.  SOUND     BOY LEAVES, DOOR SHUTS SOUND     SKITTERING OF LADIES FEET MISS FRITTEN     [to Scarrick, hinting] A very strange-looking boy? SCARRICK     [final]  A foreigner, I believe. MRS. GREYES     Does he shop here often?  Surely there can't be much call for ...quail seed... at this time of year. SCARRICK     It takes all sorts. SOUND     DOOR OPENS SOUND     HEAVY OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS MISS FRITTEN     [gasp] MRS. GREYES     Oh!  [covering her consternation]  Oh, I forgot those bootlaces!  [hissed] Come on! SOUND     THEY SKITTER AWAY MAN     [accented] I wish for a pound and a half of the best coffee you have. SCARRICK     [wary] Certainly sir. MRS. GREYES     Look at that beard! MISS FRITTEN     Like a comedy Russian. MRS. GREYES     No, more like an ancient Assyrian. MISS FRITTEN     Who do you think he is? MAN     [suspicious] Has a dark-faced boy been here buying pomegranates? SCARRICK     Can't say that I've seen anyone like that. MRS. GREYES     Oh!  [muffles self] MISS FRITTEN     [whispered]  How could he! SCARRICK     [offhanded] We have a few pomegranates in stock, but there has been no real demand for them. MAN     My servant will fetch the coffee as usual SOUND     COIN SKITTERS, HEAVY FEET START TO WALK AWAY, THEN STOP MAN     [very importantly] Have you, perhaps, any quail seed? GREYES AND FRITTEN [gasp] SCARRICK     [unhesitating] No.  we don't stock it. SOUND     FEET WALK AWAY MRS. GREYES     [whispered] What will he deny next? MISS FRITTEN     And I always believed Mr. Scarrick to be such a truthful man.  Heavens! He just presided at a lecture on Savonarola. SOUND     DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES MRS. GREYES     Don't let's bother about the 3.12.  Let's dash, and talk this out at Laura Lipping's MISS FRITTEN      Perhaps we should buy a few things first.  Since we're here. MUSIC SOUND     TEA MISS FRITTEN     [recounting lusciously] Turning up the deep astrakhan collar of his long coat, the stranger swept out of the shop, with the air of a Satrap proroguing a Sanhedrim. MRS. LIPPING     Do Satraps prorogue? MISS FRITTEN     [coldly superior] Have you ever seen one that didn't? GLORIA     I don't even know what a Sanhedrim is.  Is it a dance? MISS FRITTEN     It is a simile and hardly matters.  Or do I mean an allegory? MRS. GORDON     And the boy? MRS. GREYES     I should have though him Greek, but after seeing that beard-- MRS. LIPPING     They could have been unrelated. MISS FRITTEN     Unrelated?  And both asking for "quail seed"?  Mark my words.  There's something afoot. MRS. GREYES     What bothers me most is this unprecedented streak of falsity in our local grocer! GLORIA     I've never known Mr. Scarrick to prevaricate like that before! MRS. GREYES     It's the influence of that artist that took the flat above the shop.  Mark my words.  [importantly] Bohemian. MRS. GORDON     [tragically] I shall never again be able to believe what he tells me about the absence of colouring matter in the jam. MUSIC SOUND     DOOR, BELL SOUND     BROOM LUCY     Jimmy? JIMMY     Here. LUCY     Goodness, it looks like a tornado touched down. JIMMY     Fabulous, isn't it? LUCY     But, what happened? JIMMY     This afternoon, from tea onwards, we had a constant stream of shoppers.  LUCY     Is this something to do with the odd individuals who may or may not have been in this afternoon? JIMMY     [overly innocent] Whom do you refer to? LUCY     Come on!  It's all over town.  People talked about it at tea, and more people talked about it at supper.  I expect they're all talking about it over Bridge even as we speak.  The dark young man and the Beard.  JIMMY     Sounds a bit like a music hall act. LUCY     [speculatively] Yes... yes, it does.... MUSIC AMBIENCE     SHOP [MANY CUSTOMERS] MISS SMITH     Is this the freshest jar of pickles? JIMMY     Miss?  I suppose so. MISS SMITH     It looks a little dusty. JIMMY     That would be my fault-- SCARRICK     [commanding] Jimmy!     JIMMY     So sorry, must jump. MISS FRITTEN     [whispered]  Do you think they will return? MRS. GREYES     I have it on good authority someone's rented that house at the far end of Plummergen. MISS FRITTEN     But why should they come all this way to shop? MRS. GREYES     [knowing] Plummergen drapers don't stock quail seed.  MISS FRITTEN     [getting it] Ah! SOUND     REGISTER NOISE SCARRICK     That will be three shillings and four pence. SOUND     COINS MRS. LIPPING     I'm looking for something interesting for a savory.  Have you any-- SOUND     GENERAL HUSH MRS. LIPPING     [nervous] --any, um-- SCARRICK     [as if nothing is amiss]  I have some pickled olives.  Imported from turkey. MRS. LIPPING     Yes, anything. SOUND     JAR SET DOWN, CASH REGISTER SOUND     JABBER BEGINS AGAIN SOUND     DOOR OPENS, BELL, JABBER SLOWLY DIES AWAY. SILENCE SOUND     BOY WALKS IN. SOUND     BOWL SET DOWN. SCARRICK     [normal]  What can I get for you today? BOY     I require a pound of honey. SOUND     BREATH BEING LET OUT ALL OVER BOY     and - [quieter] and a packet of quail seed. SOUND     GENERAL INTAKE OF BREATH, GIGGLE QUICKLY MUFFLED SCARRICK     Very good, sir. SOUND     CONVERSATIONS, FORCED LAUGHTER, BUT MUTED, LISTENING MISS FRITTEN     [excited whisper] We might be living in the Arabian Nights. MRS. GREYES     Hush! Listen! SOUND     THINGS PLACED INTO BOWL, BOWL REMOVED, BOY STARTS TO LEAVE. SOUND     QUICK FOOTSTEPS JIMMY     [hurried, fraught with meaning] We have some very fine Jaffa oranges.  Around behind here. SOUND     QUICK SHUFFLE OF FEET SOUND     DOOR OPENS, MAN STRIDES IN. SOUND     GASPS SCARRICK     [unperturbed]  What may I get for you today, Sir? MAN     A pound of dates and a tin of the best Smyrna halva. MISS FRITTEN     Halva?  What is that? MRS. GREYES     It comes from Smyrna - that's figs, isn't it, Smyrna is? GLORIA     Who would want dates AND figs? MRS. LIPPING     Hush. SCARRICK     There you are.  MAN     hmm [evaluating noise]  Yes. SOUND     COINS DROPPED MAN     Has the dark-faced boy, of whom I spoke yesterday, been here to-day? GLORIA     [stifled squeak of excitement] SCARRICK     We've had rather more people than usual in the shop to-day... but I can't recall a boy such as you describe. SOUND     [gasps] MRS. GREYES     [satisfied] Didn't we say? MISS FRITTEN     It's too too terrible. MUSIC TEA MRS. GREYES     It is deplorable that anyone - particularly someone in a position such as Mr. Scarrick -should treat the truth as an article temporarily and excusably out of stock. MISS FRITTEN     More quail seed!  Those quails must be voracious!  [realizing]  or else... perhaps it isn't quail seed at all. MRS. GREYES     I believe it's opium, and the bearded man is a detective. MRS. LIPPING     I don't.  I'm sure it's something to do with the Portuguese Throne. MISS FRITTEN      More likely to be a Persian intrigue on behalf of the ex-Shah.  The bearded man belongs to the Government Party. The quail-seed is a countersign, of course; Persia is almost next door to Palestine, and quails come into the Old Testament, you know. GLORIA     [exasperated] Only as a miracle.  [knowing] I've thought all along it was part of a love intrigue. MRS. LIPPING     I distinctly saw a snarl of baffled rage as the man departed, sandwiched between that heavy moustache and upturned astrakhan collar. GLORIA     I can’t imagine that that boy is the guilty party here.  Much more likely he's simply perishing of love for someone - perhaps the daughter of the beard, but the match is quite unsuitable-- MISS FRITTEN     Honey and pomegranates - of course!!! MUSIC SHOP, NIGHT, QUIET SOUND     DOOR, BELL JIMMY     [calling from off] Closed! LUCY     I know, mutton head. JIMMY     Oh, Lucy! SOUND     BROOM DOWN, STEPS LUCY     Another busy day? JIMMY     The busiest.  Another day or two of brisk trade and we'll be--[cut off with a gasp] SOUND     KISS LUCY     [laughing] I was here today, you know. JIMMY     [uneasy] Oh? LUCY     [indulgent] You were quite the hero.  Hustling that poor young man off behind the biscuit tins in the very nick of time. JIMMY     [flustered] Well, I have a good view of the street from my post at the cheese and bacon counter. LUCY     [pouty] Jimmy.  Have you EVER known me to gossip? JIMMY     You, Lucy?  I don’t think so. LUCY     Quite a vote of confidence. JIMMY     I didn’t mean that-- [sigh] No.  No I've never known you to gossip. LUCY     Let me in, then!  Perhaps there's something I can do to help? MUSIC PUB SCARRICK     It was quite marvelous!  And we sold out of that blasted Halva. MAN     It looked crowded, but were they actually buying? SCARRICK      They bought and bought - some came back three or four times, just to have an excuse to linger.  BOY     "Oh, I forgot" and "silly me, one more thing." SCARRICK     exactly.  Even those women whose purchases were of modest proportions dawdled over them as though they had, uh-- MAN     Brutal, drunken husbands to go home to? SCARRICK     [chuckles] I've even had to take on a couple of extra assistants for tomorrow. MUSIC STORE - BUSY MISS FRITTEN     What do you think?  Is this bowl anything like the one that young gentleman carries? MRS. GREYES     Nonsense.  His is brass.  Or bronze, perhaps.  That one is copper. MISS FRITTEN     Still, it's got a lovely patina. MRS GORDON     Ducks? SCARRICK     [distracted] Pardon? MRS GORDON     Ducks?  I found a lovely recipe for Bombay duck, and was wondering if a domestic duck would suffice. SCARRICK     I suspect that ducks are much the same the world over-- [small gasp] SOUND     DOOR OPENS, BELL GENERAL EXPECTANT HUSH MRS GORDON     oh! SCARRICK     You'll excuse me. SOUND     BOY'S FOOTSTEPS, SCARRICK MEETS HIM SCARRICK     Sir?  BOY     Yes? SCARRICK     [overtly confidential]  I must warn you-- SOUND     [gasps] SCARRICK     [as if saying something else] We have run out of quail seed. MRS GORDON     Oh nO! BOY     [shocked and disappointed] Oh.  I should-- I must-- SOUND     SCUTTLING FEET JIMMY     [excited]  We do have some much finer oranges today, if you want to step over here. BOY     [dramatic gasp] SOUND     BOY RUNS MISS FRITTEN     [whispered] Watch the door! SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN, BELL SOUND     OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS MRS. GORDON      [voice over] I found my self sub-consciously repeating "The Assyrian came down like a wolf on the fold" under my breath. SCARRICK     [very tense]  Ah.  Coffee again today sir?  Perhaps figs? MAN     I am looking for-- LUCY     [in disguise, foreign sounding]  Jaffa oranges, I think. MAN     What? MRS GREYES     [voiceover] She slithered out of the aisle like the lady in the lake. LUCY     Your Excellency does his shopping himself? MAN     [suspicious] I order the things myself.  I find it difficult to make my servants understand. MISS FRITTEN     [voiceover]  How ever did we miss a mysterious veiled lady, right in the midst of us all? LUCY     I was saying... They have some excellent Jaffa oranges here.  [tinkling laugh] SOUND     HER FEET TAP AWAY TO THE DOOR, BELL MAN     [considering] Hmph.  MRS. GORDON     [gasp] MAN     You! SCARRICK     [tense] Yes? MAN     You have, perhaps, some good Jaffa oranges? GLORIA     [voiceover] Everyone expected an instant denial on the part of Mr. Scarrick of any such possession, but before he could answer‑‑ BOY     No! SOUND     RUNNING FEET, DOOR, BELL MISS FRITTEN     [voiceover] Holding his empty brass bowl before him he dashed into the street. His face was masked with studied indifference SOUND     THE VOICEOVERS START TO FADE INTO TEA MRS GREYES     Overspread with ghastly pallor! MRS. LIPPING     I would call it blazing with defiance. GLORIA     How defiant could he be!  He was so terrified his teeth chattered! MRS. GORDON     I distinctly heard him whistling the Persian National Hymn. MISS FRITTEN     But the bearded man - his face was a mask of abject terror! MRS GREYES     I thought he would dash out after the boy, but he just paced to and fro like a caged animal - seeking an outlet for escape. GLORIA     He couldn't take his eyes off the door. MRS GORDON     Did he ever come back for his purchases?  Or send his servant? MISS FRITTEN     I've not had the nerve to ask Mr. Scarrick.  The whole thing was so ...  overwhelming. MUSIC LUCY     It was so overwhelming.  Trying not to laugh while watching all their faces. JIMMY     You did a fabulous job. LUCY     You like me in a veil? JIMMY     I can think of a veil I'd like to see you in. LUCY     [interested, pleased] Really? JIMMY     Mm-hmm  [yes] SOUND     KISS MUSIC PUB SCARRICK     I can never thank you fellows enough. MAN     We enjoyed the fun of it.  [laughs, then  talks like beard]  And the figs. BOY     It was a welcome vacation from posing for hours for 'The Lost Hylas' MAN     You just have to sit still.  I'm the one who has to make you look good. SCARRICK     What do I owe you? MAN     No, no.  It was far too entertaining.  BOY     We did get all those lovely pomegranates. SCARRICK     At any rate... I insist on paying for the hire of the black beard. END
12/2/202220 minutes, 33 seconds
Episode Artwork

19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week: TELEGRAM TO SATAN!

A new story chased by our best friends at the Weekly Bugle. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Leona  - Robyn Keyes Theo "Smoothie" Walsh - Henry Mark Chief - Julie Hoverson Forsythe Dickman III - Mark Olson Farmer Hadley - Garr Godfrey Daisy - Cailean Evedus Bartender - Charles Austin Miller Desk Clerk - Brown Monkey’s Old dude Second Demon - Sherman bear Reporters - Bryan, Wes, and Uncle Randy of Drunken Zombie, plus Brown Monkey Music by  John Woodward Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Les Clay   "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a familiar newsroom, can't you tell?" ******************************************************************** A Telegram Satan! Cast: Leona Theo "Smoothie" Walsh Chief Forsythe Dickman III Reporters Farmer Hadley Daisy LuLu Reporters OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a tabloid bullpen, can't you tell?  MUSIC Scene 1.    SOUND     PEOPLE ON PHONES, moving through the room REPORTER JUNE    How many mummies? [dubious] Uh... we can't send a photographer for less than eight. REPORTER BOB    So can we quote you on the health benefits of nude white water rafting? REPORTER KATHY    We just want to give you a chance to tell your side of the story, doctor... REPORTER FRED    And when the wax was ripped away, it left an image of jesus in your chest hair? Scene 2.    CHIEF    Shut the door. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS THEO    Where's Leona? CHIEF    She'll be here in a minute.  Wanted to say something to you first… just the two of us. THEO     [a little worried] Yeah? CHIEF    You're a cute young guy, Theo... THEO    [starting to panic] Uh... CHIEF    You seeing anyone right now? THEO    I'm kind of ...married to the news. CHIEF    I know the feeling. THEO    Uh...! CHIEF    It's a nice sentiment, but you can’t let the news rule your life, sweetheart. THEO    Uh.  When is Leona gonna get here? CHIEF    What are you doing on Friday night? THEO    Uh... Uh... I ... CHIEF    Cause my niece really really needs someone to take her to her senior prom, and I figure if you're married to the news, you're about as safe as they get. THEO    [relieved] Oh!  ah!  I can clear Friday night. CHIEF    It's either you or Forsythe Dickman the third, and I really don't want that greasy bastard within a city block of my poor little Aida. THEO    Who? CHIEF    But you didn't hear that from me. SOUND    DOOR OPENS THEO    Dickman? DICKMAN    Yeah. THEO    [gasp]  Oh!  I thought it would be Leona. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS CHIEF    Smoothie Walsh, meet Forsythe Dickman the third.  His grandpa just picked up half the business. DICKMAN    Things are gonna run a little different around here. THEO    Oh.  Is that good? CHIEF    [insincere] Sure it is.  We're just tickled to death to have some new blood in at the managerial level. SOUND    DOOR OPENS LEONA    Oh. SOND    DOOR SHUTS AGAIN THEO    Leona--?  She left. CHIEF    Musta forgot something. DICKMAN    Is that Leona Pope?  [chuckle nastily]  I think she remembered something. THEO    Should I ...go? CHIEF    No, I was about to drop a lead on you.  DICKMAN    I hope you have something good. CHIEF    Oh, are you staying? DICKMAN    Gramps wants me to learn the tabloid business from the very bottom.  So yeah, I'm staying. MUSIC Scene 3.    AMB    ROOF SOUND    LIGHTER, SMOKING THEO    [off] Leona? LEONA    Are you alone? THEO    Uh, yeah. LEONA    Come on up, then. THEO    That's a little far out on the ledge, isn't it? LEONA    It's the only place for miles around that's far enough from a door to legally smoke. THEO    Oh.  [beat] We have an assignment. LEONA    We as in you and me, or is there more "we" than I'm aware of? THEO    Uh, no.  Were you expecting someone? LEONA    [sigh]  I'll come down. MUSIC Scene 4.    SOUND    IN CAR LEONA    What's the story? THEO    I was about to ask you the same thing. LEONA    [grr] The story we're supposed to go and get. THEO    Oh!  Cattle mutilation.  It's a bit of a drive. LEONA    And Dickman? THEO    No.  He's got a story of his own. LEONA    Which is? THEO    [a bit envious] The Weed-Whacker killer. LEONA    Figures.  Dickman gets the latest serial sensation and we get cow guts. THEO    Well, it's actually-- LEONA    That jackass gets everything he wants.  Almost. THEO    Sounds like you have a history. LEONA    Used to have an entire curriculum. THEO    Huh? LEONA    [getting annoyed] History.  Chemistry.  Biology...  [disgusted] Drama.  MUSIC Scene 5.    AMB    FARM LEONA    Bucolic. THEO    I've never been on a farm before! LEONA    I've worked hard to avoid them myself. HADLEY    Hallooo!  You must be the folks from the World Bugle! THEO    Must we?  Ah, yes.  We must!  I mean, that's us! LEONA    [flat] Show us the cows. HADLEY    I'm Mr. Hadley, and this is Lulu. LULU    [goat] Maaaa. LEONA    Don't try and tell me that's a cow. HADLEY    No, no.  Lulu's a goat. They're better than dogs.  They can stand guard, fetch, and they're very loyal GOAT    Maaa. LEONA    You tell him.  Show us the cows. HADLEY    She can even fetch – here. THEO    A ball?  Should I throw it? HADLEY    Nah – just hold it up.  Fetch Lulu! LULU    MAAA! SOUND    THUMP THEO    Ow. HADLEY    And now she gets the ball.  Just a little goat humor. SOUND    BRUSHING OFF, GETTING UP THEO    [sigh] Tell us all about this problem you're having with your cattles being... mutilated. LEONA    Cattle is already plural. HADLEY    Come along and you can see for yourself. THEO    Ew?  I mean - it's been a couple of days.  Won't they be a bit ... ripe? LEONA    [musing] Really quick shutter.  THEO    What? LEONA    Catches all the flies in mid-flight. THEO    Ewwww.. HADLEY    Oh, are you thinking my cows are dead?  Oh. No.  Come on. MUSIC Scene 6.    LEONA    [stunned] And WHEN did this happen? THEO    How many are there? HADLEY    Five.  Bessie, Buttercup, Wilamina, Miss Amoorica, and Fred. LEONA    You have a cow named Fred? HADLEY    She's had a hard life. THEO    And all five of them have these... HADLEY    Big tattooed triangles.  Yep. LEONA    Does it go underneath, too, or just end there? HADLEY    Nope.  Each one has her entire left flank covered in THEO    And it's not just paint? HADLEY    Nope.  LEONA    Humh.  Punk cows.  Next thing you know, they'll be going for nipple piercings. THEO    That would really be -- LEONA    [trying not to laugh] An udder mess. THEO    Ew.  This doesn't look like something that happened overnight. HADLEY    Nope.  Someone's a-sneaking in each night and doing it. LEONA    And they got THIS much done before you noticed? HADLEY    What can I say?  I'm a right-sided milker.  MUSIC Scene 7.    SOUND    WALKING IN MUD THEO    Ah, nature. LEONA    One thing you can say for nature.  It stinks. THEO    That's the smell of life! LEONA    No, it's the smell of the cowpie you just stepped in. THEO    Ew.  Hey look!  Someone's coming! LEONA    Is it Lulu? THEO    No!  [excited] It looks like a girl! LEONA    Can't you tell?  DAISY    [off, calling]  He-ey! THEO    Hiya! LEONA    [hissed, hinting]  Interview.  Witness.  Stay on task. THEO    What? SOUND    SLAP THEO    Right.  Hello, miss--? DAISY    [running up, panting]  I'm Daisy! THEO    Yeah?  LEONA    [hissed] Does she live near here? THEO    Do you--? DAISY    I'm just one farm over. THEO    Oh.  Good. LEONA    Does she know anything about the cows? DAISY    Huh? THEO    HuH? LEONA    Tell you what.  We're gonna play blindfold questions. DAISY    That sounds like fun! THEO    What?  [muffled] Hey, what are you doing? [clear again] But I can't see anything now! LEONA    That's the idea.  DAISY    Who are you folks anyway?  I never got a chance to-- THEO    We're from the World Bugle.  Investigating the cows. DAISY    Oh!  The tattoos? THEO    Yeah.  Are they happening at your farm too? LEONA    Turn to the left, just a bit.  THEO    Huh? LEONA    You're talking to her shoulder. THEO    Ah. DAISY    Well, no, ain't no one else in the valley having the same problem.  And no one can figure out how it's happening, nohow! THEO    No one knows how he's doing it? DAISY    He?  Do you know who it is? THEO    Just reporter shorthand.  Playing the odds.  [serious sounding] Most of these kind of... uh "perps" are male.  82%, in fact. LEONA    Nice fake. DAISY    Wow! THEO    Not that we rule anyone out.  You could even be the one doing this. DAISY    Not me!  I can't even draw a cow.  [sudden interest]  Who's that? LEONA    Who?  Shit!  My turn for the blindfold. SOUND    WHIP OF FABRIC THEO    [Baffled]  Leo?  What? Why are you tying that over your whole face? LEONA    [muffled] Shut up! DICKMAN    [coming on] Finally some sign of life out here in the hinterlands. DAISY    I dunno where hinter's land is.  Is he new around here? THEO    [getting it]  Oh!  Hi, Mr. Dickman. DICKMAN    You can call me Ace, kid. THEO    [chummy] And you can call me Theo, Ace. LEONA    [muffled] "Smoothie" THEO    Shh. DAISY    Can I call you Ace too?  You look kinda familiar.  Have we ever met? DICKMAN    So, kid, who's the chick in the turban? THEO    Oh, she's my new ... intern.  Uh, she's -uh- devout.  Can't show her face. DAISY    But she had it off-- LEONA    [zhagareet - high pitched warble] THEO    [running over]  We're very equal-opportunity at the world bugle, you see.  DAISY    Say, you look kinda like Clint Eastwood.  Are you related to Clint Eastwood? DICKMAN    [ignoring Daisy] Does she speak English, at least? THEO    Only to people she's been... properly introduced to.  It's very ...protective. DICKMAN    Doesn't make for much of a reporter.  THEO    [warming to his lie] That's why she's learning to take photographs instead.  [talking loud and slow like he's talking to someone foreign] Take picture now?  Show? LEONA    [muttered and muffled] I got something to show you-- THEO    [snap] Jasmine?  Take picture! LEONA    [sort of vaguely pakistani] oh, yess.  Picture take i. SOUND    SNAP DICKMAN    Hey!  You didn't need a flash!  It's broad daylight!  Right in my damn eyes. SOUND    SNAP LEONA    Many apologies! DAISY    Wanna take a picture of me? DICKMAN    [stalking closer] Hey!  That camera - it looks kinda familiar. THEO    [covering] Oh! They all look alike. LEONA    [panicking] uh -- No more talk.  Time to pray.  SOUND    DROP TO THE GROUND LEONA    [muttering, muffled] THEO    You better not bother her now.  She gets these breaks a - a bunch of times every day.  It's freedom of religion, man. DICKMAN    I'm sure I've seen her before.  And she ain't no -- THEO    ACE!  Don't use that kind of language!  [whispered] You could get us sued! LEONA    [MUTTERS LOUDER] DAISY    Can she take a picture of ME when she gets up? MUSIC Scene 8.    AMB    QUIET HOTEL ROOM THEO    That was kind of... LEONA    Mortifying? THEO    Well...  You don't know much about other cultures, do you? LEONA    I only had to fool him, and he knows less.  [annoyed] It's kind of like if you and I ever run into a lion - I don't have to outrun the lion... I just have to outrun you. THEO    Are there a lot of lions in - [getting it] Ohhh... [moment of awkward silence] LEONA    I suppose you're wondering about all this. THEO    No. LEONA    It's the most embarrassing episode of my life. THEO    Oh.  I wouldn't want to pry. LEONA    Back when I was young and foolish. THEO    [astonished] You were young? LEONA    And that disgusting hunk of manhood swept me off my girlish feet... THEO    [getting a bit weirded out] girlish? LEONA    He was so confident... THEO    Uh, Leona... LEONA    So self assured... THEO    Come on, Leona. LEONA    And when he walked away that dark and stormy morning, leaving me lying in a puddle of my own tears...  THEO    Please stop. LEONA    [snarl] He walked away with the best scoop I'd ever had.  THEO    [relieved sigh] Oh! LEONA    That's why you can't tell him anything about our story.  Not one iota. THEO    Why would I, I don't plan to-- LEONA    He'll knock on the door any minute now. SOUND    KNOCK THEO    Wow! LEONA    Take him to the bar.  THEO    But what do I do? LEONA    Get him drunk.  Keep him talking. SOUND    DOOR CHAIN LEONA    [sharp whisper] Oh, and while you’re distracting him— THEO    Distracting? LEONA    Yeah.  See if you can steal his story! MUSIC Scene 9.    AMB    BAR DICKMAN    This is the life, eh?  Just us guys.  Us reporters.  No one understands the loneliness… THEO    Uh, yeah. DICKMAN    The mantle of responsibility we don every day--   THEO    Really? DICKMAN    Our responsibility to the public!  To keep them informed.  THEO    Oh!  Is that why your – uh – family bought into the World bugle? DICKMAN    Nah.  Grandad just loves Ratboy.  THEO    Oh.  [trying to be subtle] goes it with the weed-whacker? DICKMAN    [suspicious] Hey – you trying something? THEO    No!  Just  thought… uh… I might be able to [uncertain] Help? DICKMAN    I don’t need any help. THEO    But I might have heard something.  A lead. DICKMAN    [skeptical] Reeeeally? THEO    Oh, yeah.  [warming to it]  I overheard something.  Recently.  About –uh – [lost, then bright idea] about someone buying a lot of weed whackers! DICKMAN    Really?  And what could possibly make you think that he would need more than one weed whacker? THEO    He? DICKMAN    Playing the odds.  82% of these perps are male, you know. THEO    Oh, yeah.  I know. DICKMAN    [intimidating] But what made you say that? THEO    Its just what I heard!  Really! DICKMAN    [relenting]  Cuz that’s a detail the police have insisted on keeping back from the public.  THEO    Oh! MUSIC HOTEL CLERK    May I help you? LEONA    [talking in a fake deep voice] Package for Mr. Dickmam.  What room is he in? HOTEL CLERK    I can accept that for him. LEONA    No. uh – it’s special delivery.  From the head office. HOTEL CLERK    I can page him. LEONA    Can’t wait.  Must stay… refrigerated.  Plus, he’s probably out on assignment-- HOTEL CLERK    I think he’s just over in the bar. LEONA    [sigh, drops the voice]  Fifty bucks? SOUND    MONEY SLAPPED ON TABLE, SCOOPED UP HOTEL CLERK    [low response] Here’s the spare key.  Have a nice day! MUSIC Scene 10.    AMB    BAR THEO    --And he woke up with a donkey’s head! DICKMAN    What, like in the bed next to him? THEO    No, this is Shakespeare, not the Godfather!  Like his head was a donkey’s head. DICKMAN    [musing] Shakespeare WAS the original godfather.  I think you might have a story there. THEO    Still not as good as yours! DICKMAN    When you been in the biz as long as I have… SOUND    PHONE RINGS, ANSWERED BARTENDER    No, sorry.  We don’t serve those here. DICKMAN    [nasty laugh] Must be talking about your “sidekick.” THEO    Ew! BERTENDER    Oh, someone NAMED Smoothie.  I’ll check.  [up] Is there a-- THEO    [quick, sharp] It’s for me! DICKMAN    Smoothie? THEO    Code name.  Top secret.  [to phone]  Yeah?  Yeah!  Oh yeaaaaahhhhh. SOUND    HANGS UP DICKMAN    Yeah? THEO    Yeah.  Gotta go.  The –uh- cows came home. MUSIC Scene 11.    AMB    NIGHT, PASTURE THEO    We always seem to end up outside in the dark waiting for dangerous people. LEONA    That’s where the stories are. THEO    Did you find out anything? LEONA    Just that he’s got nothing.  [chuckles] THEO    Isn’t that bad for the paper?  I mean, they still need stories! LEONA    Puppy.  [gasp]  Look! THEO    Lights!  Is it aliens? LEONA    Coleman. THEO    Who’s Coleman? LEONA    A lamp.  It’s just the farmer.  He must have the same idea we do. THEO    We do? LEONA    To keep watch until the vandal shows up. THEO    Would this fall under vandalism?  Hmm…  I guess cows count as property. LEONA    Shh!  Look! THEO    He’s just going in to check on them. SOUND    Mooooo THEO    That didn’t sound happy. LEONA    They’re cows.  They don’t really “do” happy. THEO    Hey, where’s Lulu? LEONA    Lulu? THEO    The goat- he said she follows him everywhere. LEONA    I dunno.  Sleeping? THEO    Let’s get closer to the barn. MUSIC Scene 12.    AMB    BARN THEO    [whispering] I told you there was something wrong with a man who would leave his goat behind! LEONA    If I had a nickel for every time I've heard… SOUND    Bzz.  Mooooo! THEO    [standing up]  How dare you! LEONA    Oh, boy. HADLEY/DEMON    Who dares disturb me at my work. THEO    Uh… does he sound different? LEONA    I’ll be in the bushes – uh – stall. HADLEY/DEMON    Come forward, mortal. THEO    uh-- LEONA    He means you.  [uh - pushing him] SOUND    PUSH, HE STUMBLES FORWARD THEO    [whisered] What do I do? LEONA    Interview him.  It.  Nah, think of it as a him – less scary that way. HADLEY/DEMON    What do you want? THEO    [gulp] I -- want to hear your side of the story! HADLEY/DEMON    Story? THEO    Uh, clearly you’re doing something here – and very artistically, I might add – but I can’t imagine a … s-something, such as yourself doing it for no reason.  You must have a … a purpose.  The people want to know! LEONA    [hissed] step to the left! THEO    Huh? LEONA    You’re blocking my shot! HADLEY/DEMON    You think you will shoot me?  Muhahahaha!  Mortal bullets will have no effect! THEO    no!  no!  not shot shot.  Just picture shot. LEONA    [whispered] Stay in the light - in case he eviscerates you. HADLEY/DEMON    Pictures, yes.  I make pictures too. THEO    Right!  What are they for? HADLEY/DEMON    For?  They are a summoning!  When the ring is complete, he will come! THEO    [shock and awe] Satan? HADLEY/DEMON    [matter of fact] Nonsense, he’s much too busy.  That’s why I’m here.  [demony again] NO!  It is the renegade that I am here to summon.  I have been placed in his path and he will be mine!  SOUND    CAMERA CLICKS HADLEY/DEMON    [petulant]  If some people will go away and leave me to my work. THEO    maybe we can help? LEONA    [whispered] Ixnay!  Otnay our Objay! HADLEY/DEMON    Help?  You? THEO    I mean, if you will spend a little time maybe telling us more about what you’re doing? HADLEY/DEMON    Hmm…. [thinks long] Which do you think is my good side? MUSIC Scene 13.    AMB    OUTSIDE, DAY THEO    We should tell him!  He must have been drugged, or delusional, or sleepwalking! LEONA    [assured]  Possessed. THEO    or sleepwalking. LEONA    Possessed makes for a better story. THEO    Oh.  LEONA    Did you have the mini recorder with you? THEO    Uh, no. LEONA    Dammit Smoothie! THEO    I did ... something else with it. LEONA    What? THEO    Let me see if it worked first. LEONA    [sigh] whatever.  What’s important is to figure out what questions to ask this demon possessor when we talk to him tonight. THEO    Tonight? LEONA    Meanwhile, we can get some quality time with the girls. THEO    Girls?  You mean like Daisy? LEONA    No, I mean like Fred. MUSIC Scene 14.    AMB    BARN SOUND    Moos THEO    Oh, those girls. LEONA    Shh.  You’ll put them off. THEO    What are we doing here? LEONA    Getting glamour shots.  What else?  Move that one in behind the one with the white ear. THEO    Why don’t we ask farmer Hadley to help with this?  I don’t know anything about cow maneuvers. DICKMAN    [off, hding]  [Laughs] LEONA    [starts to laugh, then cuts it off with a snarl] THEO    Holy cow! LEONA    Five of them.  Come out, Dick. DICKMAN    Leona?  And here I thought you’d converted. THEO    Maybe I should leave you two alone? LEONA    Yeah.  I’m a transformer.  {nyea-uh-uh-ow – transformer noise]  Just call me optimus kick your ass. THEO    Help me out, Fred,  They’re not listeneing. SOUND    MOO, LICK THEO    Ew. [up]  We should go back to the – things to do – back at the hotel? LEONA    No.  I want to know why this notorious poacher is hanging around our story?  Could it be because he’s stumped on his own? DICKMAN    Im never stumped.  I’m [thinks, then nasty triumph] I’m multitasking! LULU    [outside]  Maaaaa THEO    Hey guys, here comes Lulu!  Better be nice. DICKMAN    Who’s LuLu?  Is she that dishy Barbie in the teensy cutoffs from yesterday? LEONA    [chuckles] Nah, she’s even more perfect for you.  DICKMAN    [suggestive] Hot, stupid and has a great story? LEONA    [taking it personally]  I was never hot – I mean, I was never STUPID! SOUND    DOOR OPENS THEO    [loudly, trying to break up the fight] Oh, Farmer Hadley!  Lulu!  How nice to see you both! LEONA    Here Dickman.  Hold this.  Lulu, fetch! LULU    Maaaa! DICKMAN    What’s with the ball?  Ow! SOUND    THUMP, BODY DROP MUSIC Scene 15.    AMB    BARN, NIGHT THEO    He said he’d explain the whole thing tonight. LEONA    Smacks of super villain rhetoric. THEO    Huh? LEONA    You know, all that “Before I kill you, Mister Bond” crap. THEO    Kill? HADLEY/DEMON    Oh, yes, I am here to kill. THEO    [gasp!] LEONA    [gasp] I’ll be in the hayloft. HADLEY/DEMON    {chuckles]  I thought you might like a sound bite for your show. THEO    Uh, we’re print news. HADLEY/DEMON    Too bad.  That would have been sweet. THEO    But we do have a website! LEONA    But he wasn’t recording. HADLEY/DEMON    [disgruntled] Well, stay out of my way, then. THEO    You said tonight you would reveal all. LEONA    I’ll get the wide angle lens. HADLEY/DEMON    Tonight I will return an escaped soul back to hell!!! LEONA    Is his name Dickman? HADLEY/DEMON    He’s not an escapee.  But we have him on our radar. THEO    Ew. LEONA    Good. HADLEY/DEMON    No, this is a soul that escaped and is even now cutting a swath across the country! THEO and LEONA    [unison]  The weed-whacker!? LEONA    [musing] Scooping him is almost better than sending him to hell… HADLEY/DEMON    These cows are the living, breathing summoning spell.  Watch as I circle them up, nose to tail-- LEONA    Facing widdershins, I see. THEO    Huh? LEONA    Anti-clockwise? THEO    Oh. HADLEY/DEMON    It’s a satanic thing. THEO    Ahh. LEONA    Omigod! HADLEY/DEMON    [slightly offended] Please! LEONA    Just an interjection.  I see it all now!  I relaly do need to get up into the hayloft! THEO    Why? HADLEY/DEMON    Why don’t you both go up there and observe? THEO    Uh, okay. LEONA    Come on! SOUND    CLIMBING LADDER HADLEY/DEMON    [begins the chant]  loren ipsum dolar sit amat… THEO    What am I supposed to see? LEONA    Look down! SOUND    SNAPPING PHOTOS, THROUGHOUT THEO    Uh...Cows. LEONA    and? THEO    Oh!  Oh, wow!  When they’re all in a circle like that, with the tattooed triangles on the inside, it makes-- LEONA    A pentagram.  Yeah.  Trippy. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, OFF THEO    Did you hear that? LEONA    Hear what? SIOUND    CAMERA STILL CLICKING AWAY THEO    I’ll go check. LEONA    [absorbed in her work] Yeah, yeah. SOUND    CREAKING AS THEO MOVES THEO    [muttered] I think it was over … here? DICKMAN    [muffled a bit, dictating]  Investigating strange noises in the barn, hoping that the killer was hiding out, I courageously – no, scratch that – with no thought for my own safety, just the safety of the world, I pressed on. THEO    [to self] Oh, heck!  [quiet, calling]  Leona? LEONA    [snapped hiss] Busy. THEO    Oh, boy… SOUND    OTHER DOOR SLAMS OPEN HADLEY/DEMON    [Cuts off in mid-sentence]  [dramatic] You! WW DEMON    [dramatic] Yes, it is I! HADLEY/DEMON    [matter of fact] I’m here to take you home, Jerry. WW DEMON    I don’t wanna. HADLEY/DEMON    Too bad.  Get in the box. WW DEMON    [huffy sigh]  Fine.  But I’m going because I want to and not because you told me to. HADLEY/DEMON    Yup.  Just like the last four times.  whatever. SOUND    SORT OF A WHISTLY NOISE DICKMAN    Is that it? HADLEY/DEMON    Yeah.   Why? DICKMAN    Seems anti-climactic. HADLEY/DEMON    Who do I look like?  Peter Jackson?  Gotta go, then.  [to Leona] One mor pic before I drop this carcass? SOUND    CLICK DICKMAN    [stunned] You! LEONA    [sneering] You!  THEO    Uh, guys--! SOUND    WEIRD SWIRLY NOISE DICKMAN    This is my story, Leo.  But I'll let you in as my photographer. THEO    Guys??? LEONA    I'll give you a shot.  But not from my camera! SOUND    WEIRD SWIRLY NOISE GETS LOUDER THEO    I'll be in the bushes. SOUND    WEIRD SWRILY EXPLOSION Scene 16.    EXPLOSION TURNS INTO "on tape" SOUND    CLICK, turns off CHIEF    [concerned] Is Leona's film okay? THEO    Oh, yeah.  It was the weirdest thing, too - no one was actually hurt, but they all had this weird blackout period.  I guess I got away early enough to miss most of it, but even I don't rmember everything on the tape. CHIEF    Waitaminute - didn't you say in there somewhere that you didn't have your recorder on you? THEO    Uh, yeah...  SOUND    DOOR OPENS, LEONA ENTERS LEONA    Here's those photos. SOUND    SLAPS THEM DOWN CHIEF    [going through]  yeah, yeah. Yeah - OHHH!  Nice goat.  Yeah, yeah.  Cute.  Holy crap! LEONA    [chuckles] THEO    Hwat - what was that? CHIEF    I take it this compromising picture of Forsythe Dickman the third has some little part in why you got his story without him arguing at all? LEONA    [overly innocent] Nah - he just admitted that it was all one story from the beginning, and since we did all the work-- THEO    [confidential]  It was really hard, getting the goat to stand still for the picture! CHIEF    you didn't- uh - I mean, that poor goat! LEONA    Nah, once we got her into the tutu - it's all in the lighting.  THEO    Was harder to dress Dickman. CHIEF    Well, get out of here and write up your story-- My personal shopper Pierre is gonna be in here any minute - Wednesday is intimates. LEONA    Going.  Now. SOUND    THEY RUSH OUT Scene 17.    REPORTER FRED    Oh, please, you're the fourth Hitler sighting this week! REPORTER KATHY    Are you sure these tiny people who appear when you drink from your magic bottle aren't just ...uh... D-Ts? REPORTER BOB    And you're willing to wear that fur suit and infiltrate the secret hideout?  Do you know the paw-shake? SOUND    HANG UP PHONE REPORTER JUNE    [excited yell]  Aliens are landing in Branson!!!  They're demanding tickets for Dolly! END
11/17/202229 minutes, 30 seconds
Episode Artwork

19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue episode of the week: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY DALI?

Theo and Leona of the World Bugle (Team E-O to you) return for another scoop. (they originally appeared in Cultists Stole My Baby!) Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Theo - Henry Marks Leona - Robyn Keyes Chief - Julie Hoverson Larry - Dave Fontenot Baby Dali1 - Julie Hoverson Baby Dali2 - Risa Torres Baby Dali3 - Danar Hoverson Waitress - Sirena Raine Melody - Tanja Milojevic Harmony - Cailean Evedus Other Dalis - Marleigh Norton, Kat Pryde, Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard, Kimberly Gianopoulos, Kimberly Poole, Brittney Cruz Music by Josh Woodward Dali Song - Music by Reju (used under creative commons license), words by Arthur O'Shaugnessy, Sung by Julie Hoverson Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Julie Hoverson   "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an infamous newsroom, can't you tell?" **************************************************************************** Whatever Happened to Baby Dali? Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Chief Theo "Smoothie" Walsh Leona Pope Dali 1 Other Dalis Melody Harmony Waitress Larry Four Reporters OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a notorious Newsroom, can't you tell?  MUSIC SCENE 1 SOUND     bullpen REPORTER 1    So your sister said - oh, not YOUR sister, a NUN named SISTER. REPORTER 2    Drinking the vinegar counteracts the toxins in the system due to-- REPORTER 3    Fourteen people just vanished?  Were you on any mind-altering substances? REPORTER 4    Yes, if you spell it backwards it certainly does make the word-- SOUND    DOOR CLOSES THEO    Chief?  I - uh-- [breaks off in horror] SOUND    RUSTLE OF TAFFETA CHIEF    Whaddaya think? THEO    [freaked out] Are you... getting married?  [squeak] In white? LEONA    [quiet] Are you really asking? THEO    Uh-- CHIEF    Nah - scared ya didn't I? THEO    Uh-- CHIEF    Don't worry.  I'm still eligible. THEO    Uh--? LEONA    Back away.  Don't take your eyes off her.  CHIEF    Whaddaya think?  It's a little tight in the gut.  Gonna have to cut some of them carbs. THEO    [trying] Yeah.  That would do it. CHIEF    At least I got the shoulders to pull off strapless.  Hey, where you going? THEO    Uh--! LEONA    Eager to get to work.  You know these young pups. CHIEF    Good attitude.  Interview room 3. THEO    Oh, good! LEONA    [side of her mouth] Quick. SCENE 2 SOUND    DOOR SHUTS THEO    what was that? LEONA    It's June. THEO    And? LEONA    Happens about this time every year. THEO    Why? LEONA    Bridal feature pull-out?  I don't know! [hissed] I don't ask!  [commanding]  Room 3. THEO    Oh, right. SOUND     DOOR OPENS LEONA    You go first. THEO    Right.  [a beat]  Holy cow!  It's her! LEONA    Chief doesn't move that fast.  Especially in a train. THEO    No, I mean - I mean - It IS you, isn't it? DALI 1    Is it safe here? THEO    Why does everyone ask that? LEONA    Who does he think you are? DALI 1    I'm - I'm Baby Dali. THEO    I knew it!  I love your music. LEONA    We don't do publicity stunts.  C'mon, Smoothie. SOUND    HUSTLES HIM OUT OF ROOM, DOOR SHUTS THEO    We don't? LEONA    Of course we do.  When we arrange them.  Part of our job - your job - is to protect the Bugle from being used for anyone ELSE's cheap publicity. THEO    Oh.  But Baby Dali's been missing for fourteen days! LEONA    Probably in rehab. THEO    No!  No one knows where she's been!  If we could break the story-- SCENE 3 LARRY    Hey!  You'll never guess who I just took a call from! THEO    Ratboy? LEONA    State mental health board? LARRY    [gloating] Baby Dali.  She's ready to come home, and called US to break the story! THEO    Wait, but she-- SOUND    SLAP LEONA    [covering] When did she call? LARRY    Just now. THEO    Where did she say she was? LARRY    Hah!  No way.  This is MY scoop!  [running away, laughing]  My ticket out of the bullpen!  [stops, turns back] Hah! THEO    That's ... sad. LEONA    Yeah.  Send a stripper.  Come on. THEO    Where are we going? LEONA    [exasperated] Room 3? THEO    Aha! SCENE 4 SOUND    DOOR OPENS LEONA    Sorry about that.  Had to do some quick fact checking. THEO    Yeah!  Make sure you're really.... [melting]  Really her. DALI 1    Precisely the problem!  Proving I'm her!  I mean me. LEONA    [muttered prompt] Oh?  THEO    [gasp] Oh? DALI 1    I'm plagued with posers! LEONA    [sigh]  Aren't the solid black sunglasses and white fright wig a bit of a giveaway? THEO    [infatuated] I knew who you were the moment I saw you. DALI 1    You have a nice face. THEO    I do? LEONA    My colleague will now take notes. SOUND    PEN, PAPER, SLAPPED DOWN THEO    Yeah.... MUSIC SCENE 5 SOUND    IN CAR THEO    Where are we going? LEONA    Following Larry. THEO    Who? LEONA    [disgusted sigh] THEO    [getting it] Oh, him!  How do we find him again? LEONA    He hasn't left yet.  THEO    How do you know? LEONA    I ordered donuts. DALI 1    Oh! LEONA    Shh.  You're not here, remember? DALI 1    [singing] I swear! THEO    Why is she hiding in the back seat under your gym bag? LEONA    One - so she won't be seen, since she won't take off that wig. DALI 1    It is my own hair! LEONA    Like hell.  I saw it shift. DALI 1    It is a wig - but it IS my own hair. LEONA    [shudder] uhhhhh. THEO    And two? LEONA    Two what? THEO    You said that was reason one.  What's two? LEONA    So you can focus, dumbass. THEO    Oh. LEONA    There he goes!  Keep your eyes on the green Camaro. THEO    Camaro? LEONA    [growl] Green car.  Coming out of the parking garage! THEO    Gotcha. MUSIC SCENE 6 AMB    PARK LARRY    [giving a code phrase] The dog flies in the springtime. DALI 2    [squeaky] Yellow is the color of my true love's eyes. LARRY    You sound... different. DALI 2    I use a voice modulator on stage. LARRY    Ah.  So.  The world is listening.  Tell me your story. DALI 2    Listening?  Aren't you from the print media? LARRY    Oh.  Yeah.  I was speaking figuratively. DALI 2    I see.  Anyway...  I have a really big story, but I have to be certain it will see print! LARRY    Of course! SOUND    FOOTSTEPS STORM UP DALI 1    Imposter! DALI 2    Imposter! LEONA    [off, whispered] I thought you were watching her! THEO    [vague] Uh-huh. LEONA    Go get the story dumbass.  THEO    But you? LEONA    I can take photos from here. THEO    [vague] Okay. SOUND    SLAP LEONA    Did I mention I'm not giving warnings any more? LARRY    [angry] You?  No way!  The tale of two Dalis is all mine! THEO    I - we - brought one of them. LARRY     Then dance with the Dali you came with!  It's only fair! DALI 1    She's a fake! DALI 2    She's a fake! THEO    Waitaminute.  You don't even sound like-- BOTH DALIS    Autotune!! DALI 3    [chiming in] Autotune. THEO    Oh. Huh?  Three? MUSIC SCENE 7 WAITRESS    All, righty then - that will be 3 orders of waffles, three fruit cups- ALL DALIS    It's the only thing vegan on the menu. WAITRESS    And two pots of coffee.  Comin right up! SOUND    DOOR OPENS SOUND    DINER NOISES SOUND    DOOR SHUTS, CUTTING OUT THE SOUND LEONA    [prompting]  Ok, this isn't going to last forever - someone will say something, eventually, and then these three won't be an exclusive any more! LARRY    Exclusive to all three of us.  I get my credit, too. THEO    Of course!  Fair is fair. LEONA    [muttered] I got your credit right here. DALI 1    Can we get on with this? DALI 2    I have a recording session in two hours. DALI 3    No, I do. DALI 1    How can they be so much like me? LEONA    Ask them some questions - figure out which is the real one. THEO    Right.  Ok.  Which of you is the real Baby Dali? ALL DALIS    I am. DALI 3    Or should I say [singing] I am me and no one else is. LARRY    Sounds convincing to me.  LEONA    I think that one's a guy. THEO    That doesn't help... there's been "speculation" about Dali. LEONA    [disgusted noise] Ugh!  At least let me get some snaps while you think. SOUND    TAKING PHOTOS THEO    Gee, they even pose alike. LARRY    I guess it will all come down to DNA. THEO    I don't think so.  Dali is a notorious germophobe, and a compulsive clean freak.  [nervously over explaining] According to her official web page, which I only browsed for informational newspaper business reasons. LARRY    Yeah, me too, but I didn't read much.  Those costumes are pretty skimpy. THEO    Don't be so creepy, not right in front of her - uh, them. SCENE 8 SOUND    DOOR KICKED IN THEO    Whoa!  LARRY    [faints] Uhhh... LEONA    I'll be in the... uh...  Corner. THEO    Stop right there! MELODY    You're not giving orders here! HARMONY    Yeah.  Get those hands up where we can see them. LEONA    Keep them talking, this is great.  THEO    Talking? LEONA    Find out what they want. THEO    They're dressed like ninjas.  MELODY    What did you say? THEO    Nothing!  MELODY    I heard you, and I have perfect pitch. THEO    oh.  Nothing ... uh... uncomplimentary. MELODY    [getting closer]  Do you know who we are? LEONA    Say no. THEO    Uh, no?  and - and I don't want to, because that way I can never identify you or even report you for robbing a waffle house! MELODY    [scoffing] Waffle house! HARMONY    We care nothing for your waffles.  THEO    Uh, ok. ALL DALIS    We're having the fruit cup. MELODY    No.  No fruit cup today.  You are coming with us.  Just you three. LEONA    You can't just leave us here.  We might-- [prompting] might--? THEO    Uh, what?  LEONA    We might [prompting] do something?  Ugh! THEO    We might tell [heavy import] THEM. MELODY    [horrified] How do you know about THEM? LEONA    I'm actually impressed. THEO    oh...  Everyone knows about THEM.  But only a select few know how to reach THEM. LEONA    Smoothie. MELODY    [grim]  right.  You will come with us as well.  HARMONY    What about the sleeping one?  Does he know THEM? LEONA    Oh, him?  He doesn't know anyone. MUSIC SCENE 9 SOUND    WALKING, ECHOEY MELODY    Stop! THEO    Can we take off the blindfolds now? MELODY    Harmony!  Take off the blindfolds.  And search them.  We don't want any messages getting to THEM. SOUND    RUSTLING ALL DALIS    [general interjections of annoyance like Hey!  Stop!  Ouch!  Ooh!] HARMONY    Give me your phone.  LEONA    Here. SOUND     ZIP HARMONY    What's this, in your bag?  [confused, examining a camera] It has a lens like a phone, but it's awfully big.  And it doesn't even have a keypad. LEONA    Hmph.  It's an antique.  Keepsake.  I keep meaning to have it mounted on a keychain. HARMONY    It's big for a keychain. LEONA    [exasperated]  I'll never lose my keys.  Besides, I still use the flash... uh - flashlight function sometimes.  See? SOUND    CAMERA SNAPS HARMONY    Oh.  Ok then.  And you. THEO    Be gentle. LEONA    [sarcastic aside] Be careful.  At least she left on the ninja mask.  [up, to Theo] find out what's going on. THEO    Harmony, is it?  A codename, I'm sure, since you and your partner there are clearly too smart to use your real names in front of your victims - I mean in front of civilians. HARMONY    [noncommittal grunt]  Hmph. THEO    All right.  I'm not asking for me, but what do you plan to do with the Baby Dalis?  I worry that something bad is going to happen. HARMONY    Nothing bad.  To them. THEO    That's a lower case "them," right?  Not a THEM them? MELODY    Enough chit-chat!  You probably know why we brought you here-- LEONA    Not a clue. THEO    No. MELODY    We are the Secret Protectorate Aligned to Reduce or Control Leaching of Entertainers. THEO    Leaching? Huh? MELODY    We needed an "L". LEONA    Sparcle? [snort of almost laughter] THEO    Tell me more.  I'm a good listener. MELODY    You don't know it, friend, but there's a celebrity crisis happening every 20 minutes, and no one else is trying to help! THEO    No?  Really? MELODY    That - those three - are proof of the latest perfidy the government has in the works. ALL DALIS    We are? MELODY    [definite] Cloning. THEO    Wow. ALL DALIS    Uh...  DALI 3    [panicked] I need to use the bathroom.  MUSIC SCENE 10  [Whispered conversation] DALI 1    Yes, my disappearance was a publicity stunt, and yes I am the real Baby Dali. LEONA    Heh heh - just like To Tell The Truth. DALI 2    What? LEONA    God I feel old. THEO    And the other two - you and ... her? DALI 2    Professional Dali impersonator.  I was just taking advantage of the vacuum left by her-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FEET ENTER DALI 3    [crying and running in] MELODY    Do not worry, Baby Dalis, we are only here to liberate you and facilitate your re-entry into society. LEONA    Like a celebrity dogpound. THEO    Wait! MELODY    What? THEO    Uh-- LEONA    Better make it truly, monumentally good. DALI 2    Way to take the pressure off. THEO    Uh, what if I were to tell you I'm a reporter for the Weekly World Bugle? MELODY    I would be forced to kill you. HARMONY    We're not yet ready to reveal our manifesto to the world. THEO    Ah.  Good thing that would have been a ruse, then, eh? LEONA    We're gonna die. THEO    But you have to ask yourself, then, how DO I know about THEM? Moment of silence MELODY    [cold] I don't have to ask anything. HARMONY    [shocked] Melody!  You know that we can't do that! [cut off] MELODY    Shh!!!  How do I even know that you know about THEM, eh? LEONA    I do not want to die at the hands of bimbos named after the bugaloos. THEO    [ominous but vague]  Do you know about the government connection? MELODY    [shocked] You know? THEO    But it's not who you think it is.  They want us to believe it's this department, or that [hinting] bureau, when ultimately... [trails off suggestively] HARMONY    He does know! THEO    The officials in question might just find themselves a little less able to sleep at night, if they knew that you knew that I know that THEY know just what's behind it all.  MELODY    Do you know the countersign? THEO    Like that incident last month.  [breaking his train] The what? LEONA    [muttered] Bugaloos. THEO    What? MELODY    [suspicious] It almost sounds like you're one of us.  Do you know the countersign? LEONA    [muttered] Benita Bizarre? THEO    Uh... Josie and the Pussycats? LEONA    [exasperated] Damn! MELODY    Welcome brother! LEONA    [impressed] Damn! MUSIC SCENE 11 AMB    DIFFERENT ROOM SOUND    STEPS MELODY    Don't speak yet. SOUND    MUSIC TURNED ON MELODY    It jams any listening device. THEO    I love this song. MELODY    It seemed fitting.  [suddenly brisk]  So.  What do you know about the cloning project? THEO    Uh... nothing specific.  We've had our eye on suspicious activity for quite some time. MELODY    Damn.  I was hoping. THEO    But-- MELODY    What? THEO    Well...  I don't think they can be actual "clones".  Don't they take years to grow?  And Baby Dali only really got famous with her song "Treehouse victim" last year. MELODY    You underestimate the cloning process.  The technology is there. THEO    Oh.  But they're not... perfect copies...? MELODY    That is the trickiest part.  They are clearly mixing DNA. THEO    Clearly? MELODY    Yes.  The squeaky one is probably mixed with that creepy chick from Poultergeist. THEO    Ri-i-ight.  And the other? MELODY    [definite] Morgan Freeman. THEO    Uh, yeah. SOUND    DOOR FLUNG OPEN HARMONY    (breathless) We’ve found more!  There must have been a breach at the Baby Dali containment center! THEO    Containment Center? MELODY    They had to breed them some place. THEO    Tell me, do you guys see a lot of Elvises? MELODY    How many? THEO    Thousands. MELODY    No, I mean how many Babys have we found? HARMONY    Four more, and another 8 possible sightings. THEO    That's a lot of Dalis. MUSIC SCENE 12 SOUND    DOOR OPENS, SCUFFLE SUDDENLY STOPS SOUND    FEET, DOOR SHUTS THEO    What are you doing? DALI 2    I want to take this all off and get them to let me go!  But they won't let me! LEONA    Naked?  That'll be a photo op. DALI 2    Just the makeup and wig! DALI 1    Never tarnish the illusion. THEO    Don't!  Their belief in this clone thing might be the only thing keeping us all alive. DALI 3    Besides, I can't take it off - I've had surgery. THEO    [creeped out] Oh? DALI 3    For my FACE.  Not down there.  That's probably what started all the rumors. DALI 1    I love the rumors. DALI 3    [starstruck] You do?  Really?  LEONA    Shh! SOUND    SILENCE, DOOR OPENS HARMONY    Get in there! SOUND    SEVERAL PAIRS OF FEET LEONA    More? THEO    Oh, yeah. They've been finding more of them. SOUND    DOOR SLAMS, LOCKS DALI 4    They took me right off the stage! DALI 5     I was on a date. DALI 7    Busking in the subway. DALI 8    [bad asian accent] I Baby Dorry. DALI 6    I was working a party. THEO    And no one tried to stop them from taking you? DALI 6    What could 6-year olds do? THEO    Oh. [gets it] Ohhh. DALI 9    I like your glasses.  Are those Couture? DALI 10    Knockoffs, but they're good aren’t they?  I'll give you the url. LEONA    Even if one of them does get naked, I don't think it will stop them.  [up] Haven't you - no I mean you - already done that on stage?  ALL DALIS    I am a SPECTACLE! LEONA    She's done just about everything on stage except light her farts. THEO     That's it! ALL DALIS    We're vegan.  LEONA    Don't look at me. THEO    I don't mean [hinting] lighting gas... LEONA    You lost me. THEO    Have you ever seen the movie Gaslight? MUSIC SCENE 13 THEO    Hey!  You better get in here! SOUND    LOCK UNLOCKING LEONA    One more shot. SOUND    SNAPSHOT SOUND    DOOR OPENS HARMONY    [horrified] What happened?  Where's their hair? MELODY    Is she - uh, that one - dead? THEO    [strange voice] She is dying of captivity. ALL DALIS    [chanting together]  We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams. MELODY    But she's still talking. THEO    Mechanical convictions. HARMONY    I love that song. MELODY    Brother Theo, what happened? THEO    There is more at work here than you can comprehend.  I like you. LEONA    Straight from Gaslight to Star Trek.  Smooth. MELODY    What? THEO    But I hate you. HARMONY    You're mean! SOUND    SHE GOES RUNNING OFF, CRYING ALL DALIS    [CHANTING ALONG] World-losers and world forsakers, on who the pale moon gleams. THEO    Oh!  Uh-- LEONA    Don't back off. THEO    Right.  [trying to match the Dali tone] We are the Music Makers and We are the Dreamers of Dreams. LEONA    You do realize she didn't write that, don't you? MELODY    [confused] Why are you just speaking it like that, why aren't you singing? THEO    [creepy whisper] Because - we have no melody! MELODY    [disturbed] But-but I'm Melody! THEO    Are you?  Are you even here? MELODY    I - I am!  And I still have the gun - uh... [horrified] My gun?! LEONA    Plan B. SOUND    GUN COCKS LEONA    [commanding] Time to go.  THEO    Ok, we-- LEONA    Quick, before they decide on an encore. MUSIC SCENE 14 CHIEF    Good thing you got them all moving.  LEONA    We got pictures of them both with and without the wigs, and of them leaving to get on a special charter bus. THEO    They painted the name on the side really fast. LEONA    No, that's actually a company that only gives tours to Dali impersonators. THEO    Go figure.  Do they have an Elvis bus too? LEONA    Yeah.  But they get fewer drag performers. CHIEF    [reminiscent] Yeah.  They serve deep fried bananas, and spin a wheel to see which color outfit gets to sit shotgun.  [breaking out] Uh, uh - I mean, I hear they do. LEONA    [quick, changing the subject] Right.  We've got at least four stories out of this. THEO    And something for Larry. LEONA    [annoyed and horrified] What? THEO    He was in on it, too.  [sheepish] at the beginning. CHIEF    Larry?  Larry who? LEONA    From the switchboard. CHIEF    Look kid.  Being nice ain't how news gets made.  It's just a fact o' life. THEO    Well...  If we don't give him something, he might take what he DOES have and go to another paper. LEONA    You want to give him a story? THEO    [weakly] He could have the waffle house kidnapping. LEONA    [long suffering sigh] I guess.  As long as he leaves our names out of it.  You just volunteered to edit it. THEO    Okay. CHIEF    So what else do you have for me? THEO    Mass migration of dalis. LEONA    [snickering] SPARCLE. THEO    The sublimation of and abrogation of self in the gestalt identity of celebrity. LEONA    Seriously? THEO    I can spin it. CHIEF    Nice.  Big words make people believe crap like that.  Whatever it is. THEO    I meant an article on how people try and be like famous people. CHIEF    Keep the big words.  It sounds better. THEO    I'll find some experts. LEONA    [another idea] There's also that thing about whether she is a he.  Theo found out-- THEO    Uh, no. CHIEF    What do you mean? THEO    The real one wouldn't confirm or deny.  LEONA    Even when she kissed you? THEO    Yeah, well... [shrugs]  A Dali is a Dali. CHIEF    You could do something with that, you know.  On the puzzles page.  Get three of them and one fake impersonator.  LEONA    [chuckles] CHIEF    Put pictures of them all in a four box grid and stick some clues in as to which is which.  Run a little contest.  Think about it.  [commanding] In your office.  I have to call someone about flowers. THEO    [thinking back to the wedding thing] Flowers?  For? CHIEF    Truman at the Guardian when he drops dead seeing our headlines. THEO    Ohhh.  Good. LEONA    Come on. CHIEF    Eh.  Maybe I should just send that stripper. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS SOUND    THEY LEAVE - THIS FADES ACROSS THE BULLPEN LEONA    I like the puzzle idea, though we should make it 9-up, like the brady bunch. THEO    Who? LEONA    [angry growl]  Nostalgia.  Look it up. THEO    Who will be the fake impersonator? LEONA    She did say you have a nice face. THEO    NO way! LEONA    I have to take the picture. REPORTER 4    We actually already have all the Dalis we can use. REPORTER 3    No, thanks, but if you have an MJ sighting?  No? REPORTER 2    Anything else?  Photo of the prez stepping into a spaceship? REPORTER 1    Yes, yes I'll ask - can we use anything from Ringo Starr?  He's on the line and-- ALL REPORTERS    Naaaaaaaah. FADE TO END
11/10/202224 minutes, 58 seconds
Episode Artwork

19 Nocturne Boulevard's reissue of the week: CULTISTS STOLE MY BABY!

Rookie newshound Theo Walsh is sent on his first job for the World Bugle (provider of hard-hitting news about Elvis, aliens, and the paranormal) Oh, my!   Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Theo Walsh - Henry Mark Leona Pope - Robyn Keyes Selena Hempstead - Karena Fredrick Chief - Julie Hoverson Child - Chandra Wade Truth - Melissa Pang Justice - Jerry Bennett Hygiene - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Bruce, the Bounty Hunter - Joel Harvey Sidekick - Reynaud Leboeuf Awesome Guest appearance by Bryan, Dave, Wes, and Uncle Randy of Drunken Zombie Podcast as the other reporters!!! Episode Music:  Josh Woodward ( 19 Nocturne theme - Kevin MacLeod ( Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover: Brett Coulstock What kind of a place is it? Why it's a bullpen - this is where the NEWS happens. *********************************************************************** CULTISTS STOLE MY BABY! Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Selena Hempstead, the mother Theo Walsh, cub reporter Leona Pope, jaded old hand photographer Justice, older male cultist Hygiene, stern female cultist Truth, sweet female cultist Chief, Editor of the Monthly Bugle Reporters Bryan, Dave, Randy and Wes Bruce the bounty hunter Thug, his sidekick Child OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a bullpen, can't you tell?  This is where the news happens. MUSIC SOUND     PASSING THROUGH A NOISY NEWSROOM REPORTER BRYAN    [on phone] We can't do anything about that unless Elvis actually spoke to you.  He did?  Can your dog verify that? REPORTER WES    [on phone] Right, I got that, but the beans - you have to eat them raw for the diet to work?  Isn't that kind of crunchy? REPORTER RANDY    Do you have any pictures?  Was the alien wearing the leather bunny suit while it was impregnating you? REPORTER DAVE    How do you know the post-it was placed on your fridge by aliens? SOUND    DOOR OPENS, NOISE CONTINUES UNDER THEO    Hello?  Boss? LEONA    Come on in. THEO    Cool!  SOUND    DOOR SHUTS, NOISE CUT OUT THEO    Hey!  I'm super excited to have this chance to-- LEONA    Save it.  I'm not the guy.  Editor'll be back in a moment. THEO    Oh!  Well, I'm Theo. SOUND    FLUSH LEONA    Whatever you do, don't stare. THEO    Stare? SOUND    DOOR OPENS, HANDS WIPING ON TOWEL CHIEF    All right - oh you're here, good.  THEO    Um - yeah, I'm so excited to have this chance to-- CHIEF    Save it.  I got your resume.  Right, Theo - Theo.... SOUND    PAPERS BEING SHUFFLED THEO    Walsh? CHIEF    You don't sound all that sure.  Not a bad name, though kinda normal.  How about we give you a nickname - Flash!  No, that doesn’t work with Walsh.  Zip? LEONA    I'll see what fits.  What's the job? CHIEF    Yeah, yeah.  Ok, Theo Walsh with a journalism degree from West Podunk Community College, meet Leona Pope - she'll keep you from hurting yourself or making the Bugle liable. LEONA    Mostly I just take your photos. THEO    So, what are we going to be working on--? CHIEF    Theo.  Leona.  E-O.  There you go.  You're the E-O team now - no, no - even better - Team E-O. LEONA    Whatever. CHIEF    All business, eh, doll?  Right, then.  Look, Theo, my family has run this magazine for three generations.  THEO    [eager] Oh, yes - I know!  LEONA    [heavy sigh]  Newb. THEO    This newspaper brings the most cutting edge stories to life every week! LEONA    You actually believe that? CHIEF    Shut it.  Go on. THEO    Well, I've followed the World Bugle for years - and I do realize that a lot of the material in here is puff - or straight out made up stuff-- CHIEF    What!? THEO    [backpedaling] No!  no - let me explain!  I understand completely - to be able to print the hard cold truth about the really controversial topics, like UFOs and the paranormal, you have to fill in the bulk of the magazine with implausibilities, just so that the real truth only reaches the people who already understand! CHIEF    Hmph.  Yeah.  Something like that. LEONA    [wicked chuckle] CHIEF    Anyway.  I've got a sauna and massage, followed by a mani-pedi at noon, so let's get you moving--  I have an informant in room 3.  Have fun. THEO    I'm so excited about this-- LEONA    Come on. SOUND    PHONE PICKED UP CHIEF    Yeah, Sergei?  Oh yeah, that sounds real nice... SOUND    DOOR OPENS, NEWSROOM NOISE LEONA     Left. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS THEO    Wh-what did you mean, don't stare? LEONA    At the Chief. THEO    He looks just like any other big newspaper editor. LEONA    You missed it? THEO    You mean the comb-over and five o'clock shadow?  The mole?  The flabby man-boobs?  LEONA    Woman-boobs. THEO    [shuddering] Oh.... SOUND    FOOTSTEPS STOP THEO    After you. LEONA    You're the reporter.  You go first.  [ominous]  Always. THEO    You make that sound like a bad thing. LEONA    I've been in the biz for 20 years and I've been teamed up 73 times.  You do the math. THEO    Oh. SOUND    DOOR OPENS THEO    Hello.  Um, I'm Theo-- LEONA    Wink. THEO    [boggled] What? LEONA    Trying out nicknames. THEO    Not right now. SELENA    Hello? THEO    Yes, sorry.  I'm Theo.  This is Leona.  SELENA    Is it safe here? THEO    Um-- SOUND    DOOR SHUTS THEO    [shrug] Yeah.  [brightly] So you have a story for us? SELENA    Yes, but - there's a life at stake. THEO    [eager] Really? SELENA    [trying not to cry]  My... baby. THEO    Oh!  Here-- SOUND    TISSUE BOX GRABBED AND MOVED, TISSUE PULLED SELENA    [blows her nose] They took him--! THEO    Aliens? SELENA    No.  Worse. THEO    Scientologists? SELENA    [dry, not crying] Oh, please.  [sniffling again] Cultists. THEO    Other cultists? SELENA    [annoyed] Yes - are you--?  Um, is there another reporter I can talk to? THEO    Sorry, I'm just trying to make sure I get my facts straight. LEONA    [musing] Straight.  Arrow.  Shooter. THEO    What? LEONA    Nothing.  But I think you got your first headline right there.  THEO    I do? LEONA    [important] CULTISTS STOLE MY BABY! MUSIC, BUT SELENA    [over music] Did you say his first? MUSIC ENDS SOUND    CAR NOISES THEO    [narrating] So team E-O made their way to the lair of the cultists. LEONA    Town. THEO    They have a whole town? LEONA    Were you narrating? SOUND    TAPE RECORDER TURNED OFF, HIDDEN THEO    Me, no.  Why?  Is that bad? LEONA    I worked with a guy who narrated once.  Once.  THEO    [gulp]  Oh.  Well.  What's the name of this town? LEONA    Where were you during the interview? THEO    I was there - I even took notes.  LEONA    How many shirt buttons did she have open? THEO    [dreamy] four. LEONA    [sigh] THEO    Right, um-- SOUND    FLIPPING PAGES THEO    Wow.  [reading] I don't remember any of this. LEONA    Automatic writing? THEO    How do you think I got through college?  SOUND    FLIPS ONE MORE PAGE THEO    Aha!  Sorry - nope.  I didn't get the name.  Just wrote "Town." LEONA    Yup. THEO    What? LEONA    The name was "town".  Apparently they're big on using the "true names" of things. THEO    Bet that's easy to find on a map. MUSIC LEONA    [flat] Wow.  [sucks in air] Just... wow. THEO    It's so...clean.  And everyone looks kind of ... normal. LEONA    What were you expecting?  Black robes and facial tattoes? THEO    Um... yeah. TRUTH    May I help you? THEO    um--? LEONA    All yours. THEO    [gulps] Right.  [deep breath, blows out] Right.  We're ...uh... LEONA    Smooth.  That should be your nickname.  Smoothie. THEO    ...scouting for a new smoothie bar.  Our Smoothie bar Groovy Smoothie looking for new locations. LEONA    Not too dusty. TRUTH    Wow.  That would be lovely.  But you'd have to use all natural ingredients.  We're very back to nature here. THEO    I noticed.  The all-cotton clothes.  The non-synthetic shoes and accessories. LEONA    Metrosexual. TRUTH    Are you sure you just noticed, or have you been doing your homework? THEO    Um... While I'd love to say I was bright enough-- LEONA    So would I. THEO    --to look ahead, I really just noticed. TRUTH    That's still good.  Why don't we walk and you can tell me more about your smoothies? LEONA    I'll just snap some pics.  For the folks back home.  You two kids talk. THEO    Yeah.  Sure! MUSIC AMB    IN CAR, DRIVING LEONA    [exasperated sigh] I sure hope you were taking notes.  She was too cute for your ears to work. THEO    If she's an example, I can't believe they're any kind of BAD cult. LEONA    Dickhead. THEO    What? LEONA    Just addressing your thinking end. THEO    No, I'm not... that kind of guy!  She's sweet.  [beat] I'm really not! LEONA    Yeah, yeah.  What did miss pretty poison have to say? THEO    Truth. LEONA    Pushover. THEO    No, her name's Truth.  They go in for-- LEONA    Those literal names, right. THEO    Yup.  Anyway, I couldn't ask about kidnapped kids, being in the smoothie business, but I think I got some good notes about the layout of the place. LEONA    Where do they keep the kids? SOUND    FLIPPING PAGES THEO    Well, they actually take in a lot of foster kids in this town.  Apparently, they think of it as a holy cause - working with troubled children. LEONA    Vulnerable and open to manipulation.  Or already so messed up, they can't complain. THEO    No!  They work on healing their psychic wounds. LEONA    Her words? THEO    Yes.... LEONA    Did she try and sell you on the religion? THEO    [trying to change the subject] Uh, is it much further to the motel? LEONA    [resigned, commanding] Show me. SOUND    PAMPHLET PULLED FROM POCKET THEO    It's research. LEONA     Right.  Cuz they'd want a smoothie shop run by a non-believer. THEO    I actually told her that the company's policy was to bring in a manager, but hire everyone else locally - then, if someone local was able to take over, the company would be happy to-- LEONA    McDoggies? THEO    What? LEONA    Where you worked your way through college? THEO    Oh.  Yeah.  Actually let's just say I can't stand the smell of coffee any more. LEONA    Oh-ho! MUSIC [whispered conversation] SOUND    CREEPING THROUGH BUSHES THEO    Thanks for coming along! LEONA    Are you joking?  This is how I get my best pictures.  You go first. THEO    Right.  This should be about where the orphanage office is-- LEONA    Shh! SOUND    INDISTINCT VOICES THEO    [whispered] Just a bit closer. HYGIENE    [normal, but off] ...utterly unruly.  We have had to use... very stringent techniques. THEO    [whispered] Brainwashing! LEONA    [whispered] Listen now - talk later! JUSTICE    [normal but off]  You have all my faith, Hygiene.  You know how vital your part in this is. THEO    [whispered] I wish I had a tape recorder. LEONA    [whispered] Hand. THEO    [whispered] Huh? SOUND    SLAPS SOMETHING INTO HIS HAND SOUND    THUMP ON MIKE as it segues into a recording. EVERYTHING NOT NOTED IS ON THE RECORDING LEONA    [whispered] It's already running.  THEO    [whispered] But it's so small-- LEONA    [whispered] I'm gonna slap you. THEO    [whispered] Right! SOUND    FUMBLING WITH THE MIKE LEONA    [now] I still plan to slap you. THEO    [now] Um, OK.  [bracing himself] Go on. LEONA    [now] Uh-uh [no].  More fun if you don't see it coming. BACK TO THE TAPE unless noted THEO    Which end do I-- Ow! SOUND    SLAP LEONA    See?  Just get it near the window. [fading out] It picks up everything. THEO    [off] okay. HYGIENE    [fading in] running all over the place, breaking things, and causing havoc. JUSTICE     That WOULD be more predictable.  HYGIENE    But Lucifer just sits and stares wrathfully!  He is completely placid when you move him, but he won't respond to commands!  THEO    [real] Lucifer?  What happened to the whole true names thing? JUSTICE     Docility has its place. LEONA    [real] Maybe he has to graduate first or something. HYGIENE    It is unnatural in a child this age.  JUSTICE     Perhaps it is time for... extreme measures. HYGIENE    Give me one more week before we subject him to that? JUSTICE     There isn't time.  We have to break him, Hygiene.  Make him ours. HYGIENE    Very well, father justice.  Your word is my command. SOUND    TAPE CLICKS OFF, BACK TO REAL AMB    HOTEL ROOM.  THUMPING NOISES AND BEDSPRINGS FROM NEXT DOOR THEO    Wow. LEONA    Yeah.  [beat]  They've been at it for nearly an hour now. THEO    No, I mean the tape.  [beat] It sounds horrible. LEONA    Course it does.  THEO    Can you imagine the leg cramps you would get? LEONA    The tape? THEO    Right.  So, we have to get that kid out of there! LEONA    And you've been smoking, what? THEO    Huh? LEONA    We report the news.  We don't make it. THEO    But how can we leave a poor defenseless child in the hands of ... those people? LEONA    Easy.  We drive away, file the story, and then come back in a year to file another story about how the kid is growing up in the cult.  Then a five year follow up, a tenth anniversary... THEO    No.  How about this - intrepid reporter bravely rescues child from abductors?  You can't say that's not a prime story! LEONA    Hmph.  Yes, but-- THEO    But? LEONA    [evil sweet] How about this?  Dumbass rookie newshound shot dead trying to break into secret cult enclave. THEO    Oh. MUSIC AMB    BAR THEO    What do I do here? LEONA    Mingle.  Try not to get carded more than once, peach fuzz. THEO    Shouldn't we be getting ready for the drive home? LEONA    [sigh] Local color.  Trying to see what the nearby folks think of the people up in Town. THEO    Really? LEONA    And half price jello shooters.  It IS ladies' night.  [commanding] You're driving. THEO    Leona?  Leo?  Oh, crap. TRUTH    Smoothie man! THEO    Uh, yeah.  Yes.  Truth.  Nice to see you - not the kind of place - um - TRUTH    [teasing] Where you usually find much truth? THEO    Right.  [laughs unconvincingly]  Yeah.  Aren't you supposed to be all holy or something?  I mean - darn it - I mean, not drinking and carousing or anything? TRUTH    Carousing?  I didn't think anyone used that word any more. THEO    Writers do.  I mean, I write.  Stuff.  TRUTH    Like? THEO    Like? TRUTH    Stuff like what? THEO    uh [wobbles] Greeting cards? TRUTH    Lots of...carousing... in greeting cards. THEO    [fumbling, but gaining strength] I don't plan to write greeting cards forever.  [shakes himself back to the present]  But why are you here? TRUTH    We believe in being as real as possible.  Having fun is very real.  And no, we don't drink, but we do dance and occasionally even sing karaoke. THEO    [terrified] Karry-[gulp]-oke? TRUTH    Thursdays.  You're in "no danger, Will Robinson." THEO    So you don't believe a sense of humor is wrong either. TRUTH    Nope.  SHIFT THROUGH THE BAR, MUSIC GETS LOUDER AT THIS END LEONA    [slurry, drunk] Jes one more - green's my flavorite. BRUCE    One more and you're gonna be flat on the floor, babe. LEONA    On top o' you. BRUCE    [chuckles]  This floor is dirty - we gotta perfectly nice carpet back at our hotel. LEONA    [a bit sharper] "We?" BRUCE    Me and my partner. LEONA    I don't shwing that way. BRUCE    Nah - not like that!  We work together.  That's him over there with the redheaded triplets hanging on his every word. LEONA    The viking?  What kind of work you do? BRUCE    [sexy whisper] Promise you won't tell? LEONA    Crosh my heart. BRUCE    That's not your heart. LEONA    Oh yeah?  I got hearts all over the place. BRUCE    Ooh.  Well, we're-- [glances around] Bounty hunters. LEONA    Like the guy on TV? BRUCE    Well I'm single, but yeah. LEONA    You gonna apprehend someone? BRUCE    Something like that.  But the only one I want to get my hands on tonight is you. LEONA    Mmm.  I gotta hit the catbox.  Be back after I scratch. BRUCE    I'll get you more .... green. LEONA    Oh, yeah. MUSIC SWELLS FOR A SECOND, THEN SLOWS TO A DANCE TRUTH    You're a very nice guy, Smoothie. THEO    It's ...Theo. TRUTH    We like names that describe people. THEO    I'm really not all that... smooth. TRUTH    Feels like it from here. LEONA    [not sounding the least bit drunk] We're going. THEO    What? TRUTH    At least let us finish this dance. LEONA    Sorry, babe.  Duty calls. THEO    Smoothie duty. TRUTH    What--? SOUND    DOOR SLAMS MUSIC CUTS OUT AMB    OUTSIDE, NIGHT THEO    What was all that? LEONA    We need to get out of here.  [moving slightly away] THEO    Out of town? LEONA    Out of the line of fire.  SOUND    CAR DOOR DOOTS LEONA    It's a setup. SOUND    CAR DOOR OPENS THEO    What?  Set up for what? SOUND    DOOR SLAMS LEONA    [in car, something unintelligible] THEO    What? SOUND    WINDOW ROLLS DOWN LEONA    I'm leaving.  You can climb in or stand here. SOUND    DOOR WRENCHED OPEN THEO    I thought I was supposed to drive! [ends in a squeal as she yanks him in] MUSIC Amb    In car THEO    Where are we going? LEONA    Back to headquarters. THEO    Why?  LEONA    [sigh, drums fingers] Bounty hunters. THEO    Are you on their hot list? LEONA    Not me.  Dammit, kid - think!  What are the odds there's a fugitive in this area?  Anyone they might be hunting other than-- [tails off, hinting] THEO    Us? LEONA    How can you be so dense? THEO    [finally getting it] Oh!  The kid! LEONA    Bingo, Smoothie. MOMENT OF SILENCE THEO    We need to go back. LEONA    You're an idiot. THEO    I'm not. LEONA    You're smitten, ya weenie. THEO    I'm not-- [gives up]  Yes.  Yes, I'm ... in love with Truth. LEONA    Right. THEO    But I'm even more in love with the idea of catching bounty hunters in the act. LEONA    [wobbling a bit] No. THEO    [spinning the story] Breaking into a religious compound. LEONA    [cracking a bit more] No. THEO    [seductive] Maybe using extreme force.  Carrying off a kicking and screaming toddler. LEONA    [growl] SOUND    CAR BRAKES TO A STOP LEONA    [ground out] You little shit. MUSIC AMB    NIGHT, OUTSIDE SOUND    CREEPING THROUGH BUSHES LEONA    [whispered] Well, Déjà my vu, kemosabe. THEO    [whispered] I think we beat them here.  We have to warn Truth. LEONA    Hell to the no, as they say.  You can play hero all you want - AFTER I get the shot. THEO    What if they have guns? LEONA    Stop, drop and roll.  I'll be in the bushes. MUSIC    TIME PASSES THEO    [yawning, dozing off] SOUND    A DISTANT CAR PULLS UP THEO     another big yawn SOUND     SPRITZ THEO    [gasping and choking, suddenly muffled] [note:  Leona sprayed breath freshener in his open snoozing mouth then slapped a hand over it when he woke up] LEONA    [urgent whisper] Shh!  They're here. THEO    [finally gets control of himself, gulps]  WHY'D you do that? LEONA    Nothing like waking up minty fresh!  They're over there, far side of the-- oh boy. THEO    What?  It's so dark. LEONA    [tsks]  Looks like three of them, skulking across the lawn. THEO    [amused] Skulking. LEONA    What's wrong with skulking? THEO     Truth would be amused-- LEONA    Fine!  But later, all right? THEO    Oh.  Yeah.  Skulking now.  Can we-- um-- head them off at the pass? LEONA    They're heading directly for the orphanage building. THEO    [uncertain] Oh, good. Um.... LEONA    [sigh] Over there. THEO    Right. MUSIC AMB - STILL OUTSIDE [another whispered conversation - unless otherwise noted] THEO    Did you see them? LEONA    Two of em went in- the third must be a rear guard. THEO    How can you be sure you saw three? LEONA    Watching stuff.  It's sort of my job.  You're getting slapped again. SOUND    DISTANT COMMOTION INSIDE BUILDING THEO    lights!  They're gonna be running! LEONA    I got it. SOUND    THROUGHOUT THE REST OF THE SCENE, SHUTTER CLICKS A LOT AS SHE TAKES SNAPS SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN, RUNNING FEET, DOOR SLAMS SHUT CHILD    [wails] BRUCE    [hissed order] keep him quiet! THUG    He bit me! CHILD    No no no no no! SOUND     DOOR OPENS AGAIN JUSTICE    [to the back of the concert hall] Stop! SOUND    FOOTSTEPS HESITATE SELENA    [off, but also loud] Bring me my child! BRUCE    You heard the lady. TRUTH    We must do something! JUSTICE    No.  This is now in the hands of the lord. HYGIENE    I can only pray we've done enough. THEO    [standing and declaring himself]  No way - this is just wrong! EVERYONE REACTS LEONA    I'll be in the bushes. SELENA    [a bit closer] You're here?  I thought you morons had bailed on me! THEO    Of course not-- morons?  [offended]  The hell you say! SELENA    Very likely.  [to justice]  You thought you could stop my dear little baby from fulfilling his destiny, eh?  [evil genius] From wiping you and your kind from the entire world? THEO    Him? SOUND    RUSTLE IN THE BUSHES LEONA    Hand! THEO    What? LEONA    Recorder! THEO     oh! SELENA    Yes!  I did it!  The whole nine yards.  Did the rituals, wore the lederhosen, slept with the devil.  My child is the antichrist! THEO    Woh!  I didn't see that coming. CHILD    [trying to get her attention] Mommy! SELENA    And all your pathetic humanistic attempts to destroy him have come to naught! CHILD    [more urgent] Mommy! SELENA    He will grow into his destiny and rule over all of creation! CHILD    [sharp] Mommy! SELENA    Honey, mommy's busy.  And throw the entire world into chaos! CHILD    [almost crying] Mommy! SELENA    All right, mommy's done now.  [babytalk]  Woochie wanna, wittle son of evil? CHILD    Wanna see what I can do? SELENA    Isn't he cute!  Whatcha gonna do, my baby beelzebub?  [eager] Gonna spin your head around? Gonna spit fire? CHILD    [teasing] Nooo.  SELENA    Gonna rend these naughty nice people into tiny itsy bitsy bloody wittle chunks? CHILD    Noooo. SELENA    Whatcha gonna do then, my tiny tormentor?  Show mommy! CHILD    Okay.  I try and rerember.  [breath, noise of concentration] SELENA    oh, his first evil gesture!  Anyone have a videophone?  THEO    Why aren't you and your friends running? TRUTH    It wouldn’t help.  Why aren’t you? THEO    Leona'd kill me if I lost the scoop. SELENA    Do you need help lacing your fingers together honey? CHILD    No!  I can do it myself. SELENA    [brimming over with pride] Of course you can.  Of course you can! CHILD    There.  Now mommy watch! SELENA    I'm watching hun.  Oh, if only your father could see you now! THEO    His father--?  Ohh. CHILD    See my hands?  SELENA    Yes!  Knotted together like one big fist.  Will you smite your enemies? CHILD    Whass smite? SELENA    I'll explain it later - go on and show me what you wanted to show me CHILD    [starts speaking, but very quiet] SELENA    Honey, can you speak up?  Just a little?  Mommy can’t hear you! CHILD    [deep sigh of exasperation]  Listen!  This is the church.  This [small noise of effort] is the steeple.  Open the doors and [more effort, then triumphant] see all the people!  SELENA    [horrified] What? CHILD    See all the people, mommy?  My finners are the people in the church! SELENA    [big screamy accusation] You!  You've ruined him! CHILD    Mommy!  See the people in the church! SELENA    [breaking into sobs] All that hard work!  The lederhosen!  Nooooo! SOUND    RUNNING AWAY, nooooing BRUCE    [yelling after her] Hey?  Hey lady?  Are we still getting paid? MUSIC THEO    [end of a story]  So sister Hygiene took him back in for some milk and cookies and a round of kumbaya. SOUND    RATTLE OF 8x10s Chief    Nice work Leo.  We'll have to touch up the pics, maybe give the kid some horns-- LEONA    Nah put em on the mom.  She earned it. THEO    Next you'll want an artist's rendition of Selena in lederhosen cavorting with Satan-- CHIEF    [avid] Great idea!  Very sexy!  I like.  I want the copy on my desk first thing tomorrow. SOUND    DOOR OPENS - NEWSROOM NOISE IN BG THEO    [weakly protesting] But- but we just got back-- SOUND    PHONE DIALING CHIEF    Hello?  Victoria's Secret? LEONA    [trying to keep from shuddering] Come on. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS, AMB NEWSROOM AGAIN THEO    How can I get something done by tomorrow morning? LEONA    Same way you got through college. SOUND    DOOR SWINGS OPEN CHIEF    Hey, Leo - you ever come up with a nickname for the kid here? LEONA    Oh, yeah. THEO    You did? LEONA    Smoothie.  Smoothie Walsh. THEO    Oh, no way-- [arguing, trails off as the sound pans back across the room. REPORTER DAVE    So the potato shaped like Princess Di saved your life?  How did that-- REPORTER RANDY    How could you not notice the minute she took her clothes off?  Oh, a hologram field?  You never mentioned-- REPORTER WES    And that was when you saw his third eye?  Are you sure that it was Dick Cheney? REPORTER BRYAN    [screaming] We have a ratboy sighting! CLOSER    
11/3/202227 minutes, 18 seconds
Episode Artwork

19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week: GHOST OF A CHANCE

A girl living in a haunted house must find a way to protect her way of life.. Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Eden - Jaiden Douwes Henry - Danar Hoverson Callandra - Julie Hoverson Frederick! - Reynaud LeBoeuf Ethan - Scott Douwes Mrs. Sherman - Angela Kirby Garth Sherman - Luke LeBoeuf News - Suzanne Dunn Henry's Mom - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Music by Kevin MacLeod ( Sound mastering:  Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Dennis Hager  "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an old brownstone home, can't you tell?  Where else would you expect to find ... a couple of ghosts? *************************************************************** A Ghost of a Chance   Cast: Eden Anderson, precocious 11-year old Ethan Anderson, her dead father, 47 Callandra O'Doul, dead Irish maidservant, 20 Henry Torrence, burglar, 23 Frederick Ferryman, dead actor, 40s-50s Ms. Sherman, CPS, 32 Garth Sherman, her son, a bully, 13 News [anything] OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a big old brownstone, can't you tell?  Where else would you find a ghost or two? SCENE 1 – coming home MUSIC SOUNDS    MODERN STREET NOISE.  SOUND    WE FOLLOW THROUGH A CREAKY GATE.  STREET NOISE QUIETS A BIT.  FOOTSTEPS ON LEAVES, THEN ON WOOD PORCH.  KEY IN LOCK, DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS PASS THROUGH.   SCENE 2 – HALLWAY AND KITCHEN EDEN    Hey!  I'm home! SOUND    BACKPACK FLUNG ONTO TABLE.  DOOR SHUTS AND IS CAREFULLY LOCKED. CALLANDRA    You're going to have to do some shopping soon, miss.  We're almost out of soap powder. EDEN    [sigh] I'll put it on the list.  SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, THEY HESITATE, THEN STOP EDEN    What?  Move it.  I'm tired. CALLANDRA    [evasive] You're looking a mite peaked.  You could use a bite to eat.  Come into the kitchen and have some soup. EDEN    [slightly suspicious] O-kay...  SOUND    MODERN JAZZ, PLAYED LOW, SLIGHTLY MUFFLED EDEN    Dad's not at the videos again is he? SOUND    OPENING CUPBOARDS, CANS BEING PULLED OUT AND PLACED ON THE COUNTER CALLANDRA    [not quite convincing] No. EDEN    Then why don't you want me to go upstairs? SOUND    POP TOP ON CAN, SOUP INTO BOWL CALLANDRA    Whatever gave you that idea--? EDEN    Oh, please. CALLANDRA    Can I not just be concerned about you?  Someone has to be! SOUND    MICROWAVE OPENS, FOOD IN, SETTING TIME EDEN    I'm fine. SOUND    TURNS ON MICROWAVE MUSIC   SCENE 3 – A BIT LATER AMBIANCE    TELEVISION PLAYS LOW IN THE BACKGROUND News    ....was stolen from the J.J. Holdings museum at the university today.  The vase is attributed to the school of Cellini, and has been valued at nearly half a million dollars. SOUND    CELLPHONE DIALS, RINGS, PICKS UP EDEN    Hey Ariel.  ... Nothing.  Look, I've been thinking about-- SOUND    THUMPING ON CEILING EDEN    --trying out... for...  Can you wait a minute, Ariel? SOUND    HOLD BUTTON IS PRESSED SOUND     DOOR OPENS.  STEPS INTO FOYER, SLIGHT ECHO SOUND    THUMPING FROM ABOVE.  A COUPLE OF RAPID STEPS. SOUND    [WHOOSHING SOUND OF A GHOST ARRIVING] CALLANDRA    Oh no, miss.  EDEN    Yeah?  Stop me.  It's not dad - I can hear his computer going, and it's not you, since you're right here.  Maybe Frederick?  [yelling] Frederick? CALLANDRA    [worried] Oh... SOUND    [WHOOSHING SOUND OF A GHOST ARRIVING] FREDERICK    [overly theatrical, as always] Enter stage right.  Yeeeees?  CALLANDRA    See, it's all gone now-- SOUND    THUMPING FROM ABOVE CALLANDRA     [dismay] Ooh! EDEN    [grim] What is it? FREDERICK    Shall I make a recon, my young commander? EDEN    Oh! Shoot! SOUND    BEEP ON PHONE EDEN    Gotta call you back, Ariel.  Yeah, it's dad.  SOUND    PHONE HANGS UP EDEN    Callandra?  You want to explain-- SOUND    DOORBELL RINGS.  WHOOSH [GHOSTS LEAVING] EDEN    [exasperated sound]  Uuh! SOUND    STAMPING FEET, CHAIN LOCK GOES ON EDEN    [sighs] SOUND    DOOR OPENS EDEN    [sweetly] Yes?  SHERMAN Good evening. Are your parents around? EDEN    My father is asleep.  He hasn't been feeling very well. SHERMAN I think he'll want to speak to me. FREDERICK    [whisper]  Why?  Is she covered in chocolate? EDEN    [gritted teeth]  Maybe when he's feeling better.  Can he call you? SHERMAN Here's my card. EDEN    Oh. CALLANDRA    What's C-P-S?  Does that mean she's with the coppers? EDEN    What's this about?  I would invite you in, but-- SHERMAN No, I understand. Safety first.  [serious] There's been a complaint. EDEN    By who?  FREDERICK    [booming voice] Whom. EDEN    I mean - by whom? SHERMAN I'll discuss all that with your father. Please do have him call me.  [going off] All my info's on the card. EDEN    [calling] Thanks - uh - Ms. Sherman. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS EDEN    Oh, shoot! CALLANDRA    Now, it's not that bad.  Is it? FREDERICK    Of course it is.  CPS are the child police service.  They arrest bad little children. CALLANDRA    The devil you say!  Oh, Eden, tell me darling!  They won’t arrest you! EDEN    They don't - but they do take children away from the wrong type of home environment. CALLANDRA    [relieved] Ohhh!  We're safe enough then. EDEN    [as if] Ri-ight. SOUND    THUMPING EDEN    Are you going to tell me, or do I just get to find out for myself? CALLANDRA    Oh, my stars... MUSIC   SCENE 4 - UPSTAIRS SOUND     DOOR UNLOCKS, OPENS HENRY    [gasps] Jeez!  About flipping time!  You ever hear of unlawful imprisonment? EDEN    I've heard of burglary. HENRY    You're kinda small for a cop. EDEN    [exasperated noise] Dude.  You can come out now, but just so you know, I've got a taser. SOUND    SLOW FOOTSTEPS EDEN    [gasps, shocked] You look like--! HENRY    Got my hands up, all that.  [quoting] Don't tase me, [ending lamely] uh, bro. SOUND    A COUPLE MORE STEPS, THEN HENRY    [grunt as he lunges at her] SOUND    SCUFFLE.  FALLING FURNITURE, SOMETHING BREAKS, THEN... FREDERICK    [unearthly wail] HENRY     [screams, then gibbers until noted] SOUND    SOMETHING SMALL CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR EDEN    I hate when you do that!  That is so gross!  [tsk, annoyed sigh] You coulda left your head on... FREDERICK    [huffy] It was effective. EDEN    [sigh]  You.  What's your name? HENRY    [gibbering]  ...head came off, and cold, so cold! SOUND    SLAP HENRY    [sharp intake of breath] Wha-ah-ah? EDEN    Your name, mister burglar. HENRY    Henry.  Henry Torrence.  [whispered] What the heck was that? EDEN    A ghost.  Now, Mister Torrence, I suppose I'm gonna have to tie you up or something, so you don't try and jump me again-- HENRY    Howzabout just letting me - ya know - go? EDEN    You broke in.  I have to do something, and I really don't want to have to deal with the cops - they'll bother dad. HENRY    Look, I never hurt no one, I ain't the type.  I swear! EDEN    Still...  I think you need to stay locked up for a while.  CALLANDRA    Can I keep him?  Please?  I caught him! FREDERICK    Shut up woman, we may be able to use this fellow's services. EDEN    [ordering] March!  I'll put you somewhere better than that closet, but you better stay put or - FREDERICK    Boooooo! HENRY    [gasps] EDEN    [unenthusiastically] Yeah, that.  Boo. MUSIC   SCENE 5 - DOWNSTAIRS CALLANDRA    What do you plan to do with him?  Please say I can have him for me own - he's such a fine specimen of a man. EDEN    If you keep him, I have to feed him. CALLANDRA    Well... not necessarily... EDEN    No.  No.  No.  I'm not having any more ghosts around here. CALLANDRA    You never let me have any fun! EDEN    Besides, didn't you notice the resemblance? CALLANDRA    To a man? SOUND    WHOOSH, FF ENTERS FREDERICK    Our dear Callandra never looked above his [mocking her accent] "luuuvly broad shoulders!" CALLANDRA    Bite your tongue, Frederick!  I still have those clippings of yours, and you will sorely regret having a jape at my expense-- EDEN    Shut up!  MUSIC   SCENE 6 – BREAKFAST IN BED SOUND    MORNING BIRD NOISES SOUND    MUFFLED THUMP, RATTLE AT DOORKNOB HENRY    [yawns, waking] SOUND    CHAIN RATTLES, BEDCLOTHES RUSTLE EDEN    [muffled] Are you awake? HENRY    Yeah, sure.  Whatever. SOUND    DOOR OPENS WITH DIFFICULTY SOUND     EDEN ENTERS WITH TRAY EDEN    I hope you like bacon. HENRY     Uh, yeah! [surprised and enthused] SOUND    SHIFTING AS HE SITS UP IN BED, CHAIN MOVES HENRY    Thanks.  Breakfast in bed.  Almost like a dream, except-- SOUND    RATTLE OF CHAINS CALLANDRA    [snarky] Well, we can't have you wandering around the house like some sort of ... burglar, can we? HENRY    Does she need to be here? SOUND    SETS DOWN TRAY, DISHES RATTLE EDEN    She's my backup.  I need to talk to you. HENRY    [annoyed] Go ahead.  I don't eat with my ears. SOUND    EATING NOISES EDEN    [snort of laughter]  This is going to sound really dumb, but...  [thinks hard]  I have a kind of proposition for you. HENRY    [offended] You are way too young, and she's dead. EDEN    Huh? CALLANDRA    Shame on you! HENRY    Nothing. [eats noisily] EDEN    Ew!  [angry sigh]  Look, no.  My dad is out of town, and I need someone to pretend to be him and talk to CPS. HENRY    CPS?  The CPS?  Hell no.  I hate those bast‑‑ uh-- buttheads. EDEN    Why?  You got kids? HENRY    Never mind.  No way you can talk me into-- EDEN    We'll pay you. HENRY    --into-- How much? EDEN    Dad said we could give you a thousand.  For staying here for two weeks and pretending to be him. HENRY    He's not coming home for two weeks?  [truly offended] What the hell is wrong with him, leaving you all alone? CALLANDRA    Language!! HENRY    I don't give a flying rat's patoot about my language!  If your dad is so flipping negligent to leave you all alone for weeks at a time, [losing steam] then maybe you'd be ... better off-- EDEN    [anguish] In foster care?  No way!! HENRY    Well, no, but... don't you have any other family? EDEN    [mumbled] Not anywhere around here. HENRY    [sincere] That sucks! EDEN    Look, I'm not supposed to say anything, but my dad...  He [whispers importantly] he works for the government.  Top secret. HENRY    Seriously? EDEN    Uh-huh!  So he can't always control when he'll be back. HENRY    Why would he - why would you even trust me? EDEN    You won't get paid until after the two weeks is up.  Besides... I'm a pretty good cook? HENRY    Okay, but I have to be able to tell my mom.  She'll worry if I don't get home. EDEN    You live with your mom?  But you're like a grownup.  That's weird. HENRY    Why do you think I don't have a real job?  MUSIC   SCENE 7 – MEETING CPS FREDERICK    [sharp whisper] Now you just behave now, my lad, or I'll give you what for again. HENRY    [trying to be flippant] “Boo.”  I get it.  This makeup itches.  EDEN    Sorry.  You had to look a little older.  HENRY    It is kinda creepy how I look so much like your dad. EDEN    Yeah.  [fretting] Where IS she? SOUND    KNOCK ON THE DOOR CALLANDRA    Eep! EDEN    [to the ghosts] Scat! [quiet] Ready? HENRY    Guess we'll find out. SOUND    FEET, DOOR UNLOCKS and OPENS EDEN    Hello?  Ah.  Right on time. SHERMAN Your father--? EDEN    Right here.  Come on in. HENRY    [trying too hard to sound old] Ethan Anderson.  Pleased to meet you.  You're Ms. Sherman? EDEN    [warning] Dad!  [explaining] He's had a cold. SHERMAN [warm] Ah!  I hope you're on the mend? HENRY    [clears his throat, sounds more normal]  Yes, yes.  Much better. MUSIC   SCENE 8 – WAITING IN THE KITCHEN SOUND    FLAP OF KITCHEN DOOR, FEET CALLANDRA    [very nervous] How goes it? EDEN    Seems OK, so far.  HENRY    [off, furious] What? EDEN    Oh no! SOUND    RUNS OFF, FLAP OF DOOR EDEN    [breathless] What? HENRY    [grim] Tell her. SHERMAN [sweet] My dear, um, Eden. I was just telling your father that your school has raised issues about your father's involvement-- EDEN    Why?  He emails them all the time.  They understand how busy he is. SHERMAN We still have to take it under advisement. Now, off the record, and with the understanding that you, sir, are a fairly wealthy man, I might ask why you haven't engaged a nanny or other similar household staff-- EDEN    [QUIET, prompting] DAD!    HENRY    [angry] What business is it of yours, lady? SHERMAN Perhaps you should step out and leave us alone again, dear. EDEN    No.  I may be too young for my opinion to count, but I want to hear what you plan to do to me.  We don't need anyone to look after the house.  I can do that. SHERMAN But you shouldn't have to - you are a child, dear, and you have better things to do. EDEN    Like what?  Play Xbox and get fat? MUSIC   SCENE 9 – AFTER SHE LEAVES SOUND    FRONT DOOR SHUTS, LOCKS HENRY    You have 20 million dollars? EDEN    And a half.  Not like I can spend it.  They don't trust me - that's why they call it a trust fund. HENRY    [snort] SOUND    SHE STARTS UP THE STAIRS HENRY    Hey, we're talking here. EDEN    [upset] You're only my dad while there's an audience. HENRY    [calling] Why don't you want a nanny or something? SOUND    RUNS UP THE STAIRS CALLANDRA    Poor child.  HENRY    [gasps]  Oh, right.  CALLANDRA    Pity you're not much of a father. HENRY    [offended] You're not much help, either. CALLANDRA    Oh?  And what do you expect from me?  I've been dead over a century, boyo. HENRY    How's that work, anyway? CALLANDRA    [pouty] Don't know.  Wouldn't tell you if I did. HENRY    Fine.  Whatever.  You have anything to drink around this place? CALLANDRA    [rolls eyes] Oh, yes.  That would look terrible good to Ms. Sherman, wouldn't it? HENRY    I'm going out for a while.  Don't worry - I'll sneak out the back.  I'm good at THAT. MUSIC   SCENE 10 – HENRY’S HOME SOUND    DOOR OPENS, MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND HENRY    [sigh, then calling]  Hey mom! MOM    [bleary drunk] Baby?  That you? HENRY    [resigned] Yes, mom. MOM    Where you been?  HENRY    I gotta job, mom.  Been working. MOM    You bring me back a little something, baby?  Medicine? HENRY    [down] Tomorrow.  I promise. MOM    [sarcastic] Such a good boy.  You gon' expect me to bail you out again?  You need to get you some better friends, baby. HENRY    I'm not a baby, mom.  I'm thirty-five. MOM    You'll always be my baby, Henry, won't you?  You know how much I count on you.  How much it hurts every time you been taken away from me.  What would I do if you were in jail?  Do you ever think about that? HENRY    Yeah.  [under his breath] All the time. MUSIC   SCENE 11 – CHAT WITH DAD SOUND    COMPUTER KEYS SOUND    DOOR OPENS HENRY    Eden? EDEN    [gasps] What?  Oh!  You're back! SOUND    FOOTSTEPS HENRY    You shouldn't sit in the dark like that. EDEN    [sarcastic] Thanks dad.  [serious]  I've been chatting with my real dad. HENRY    I didn't hear anything, if that's what you're worried about. EDEN    Duh.  Computer chatting.  HENRY    Typing.  Right.  I'm not much for the whole computer thing. EDEN    That could be awkward, if Ms. Sherman decides to quiz you on what you do for a living.  Dad's a programmer. HENRY    For the government? EDEN    [scornful] No!  [realizing] Oh, I mean... uh... he's a programmer for real, but he doesn't program for them. HENRY    [suspicious] Can I type something to him? EDEN     Sure. SOUND    CHAIR SHIFTS, CLUMSY, SLOW TYPING EDEN    Is this a secret, or can I type it for you? HENRY    Yeah, go on - at this rate I'll be here all night just to say Hi.  Um... [thinking] Mister... uh ... can I call him Ethan? EDEN    [responding to dad]  All right.  He says let's turn on the microphone. SOUND    CLICK EDEN    Now you can just talk. He still has to type, though.  His mike is broken. HENRY    I don't know you, so maybe I'm not the one who should be saying this, but - here goes.  Dude, leaving your kid alone makes you a bad dad.  So what if the government needs you! EDEN    You're... serious? HENRY    Hell yeah.  You're gonna grow up robbing banks and stuff. EDEN    Hmm.  He says, just because your dad was a deadbeat, doesn't mean -- HENRY    What the hell do you think you know? EDEN    He says-- HENRY    I can see what he says.  Background check, my ass! EDEN    I told you he's a computer guy. HENRY    Fine.  You need to take care of-- EDEN    Don't tell me how to raise my daughter.  Oh, and he says "watch"-- SOUND    [some CCTV video comes on the computer] HENRY    [shocked] How did he get that? EDEN    Is that you?  Breaking into a building?  Wow.  Wait, is that the museum? HENRY    So that's your way of keeping me in line?  EDEN    Are you the one who stole the Cellini vase? HENRY    I plead the fifth.  [angry sigh] Fine.  I'll do my two weeks, and then I am the hell out of here. EDEN    [angry] Very well, you worthless wretch! HENRY    What? EDEN    [innocent] Just what he said. MUSIC   SCENE 12 – RUDE AWAKENING SOUND    POUNDING ON DOOR CALLANDRA    Mr. Anderson!!  HENRY    [sleepy] What? CALLANDRA    That woman is at the door!  HENRY    I can't answer it like this!  I don't have that old-age makeup-- CALLANDRA    Frederic! HENRY    No, no - I can do it-- SOUND    POUNDING AGAIN FREDERIC    Did I hear a cue? HENRY    No, we-- CALLANDRA    He needs to look old and ill.  And right fast. HENRY    Really, I-- FREDERIC    Hmm.  Here.  [horrible ghostly noise] HENRY    [screams] CALLANDRA    Shh! FREDERIC    Damnation.  Once that would have turned your hair quite white - as it is, you will have to wear a cap. MUSIC   SCENE 13 – CPS AGAIN SOUND    DOOR OPENS SLOWLY HENRY    [shaky] Yes? SHERMAN Took you long enough. HENRY    I was in the shower.  Nearly killed myself slipping when I came down the stairs. SHERMAN Are you going to ask me in? HENRY    You might have heard the scream. SHERMAN No. [hinting to let her in] It is rather chilly out here. HENRY    [sigh] Very well. SOUND    THEY GO IN, HE FAKES A LIMP CALLANDRA    You watch out for that one! HENRY    Shh! FREDERICK    She can't hear us unless we want her to. SHERMAN I expect Eden is at school right now? HENRY    She's a very good student. SHERMAN [disdainful] B plus. HENRY    That ain't nothing to sneeze at, lady! SOUND    SITS SHERMAN But we both know she could do better. HENRY    What makes you think that? SHERMAN You could get her tutors. HENRY    Why?  She's real smart. FREDERICK    You tell her!  But you might try using proper grammar. SHERMAN There's so many things your money could do for your daughter. HENRY    I'd rather let her be herself. CALLANDRA    Oh, that's touching, that is. SHERMAN You could send her to private school. My own son Garth is in private school. HENRY    [faltering] She has ...friends.... here. SHERMAN [hinting] A very expensive private school. HENRY    You recruiting or something?  I ain't making any decisions behind my kid's back. SHERMAN You could pay me to leave you alone. HENRY    She wants to stay --  WHAT?  CALLANDRA    Horrors! FREDERIC    Bezom! SHERMAN You must understand, Mr. Anderson, just how poorly compensated we civil servants are these days. What a completely thankless job we do. HENRY    You really just hit me up for money? SHERMAN And how particularly expensive a really good school is. HENRY    [incredulous] Money.  You're asking for money. SHERMAN Of course. HENRY    You're a skanky money-grubbing ho! FREDERIC    Filth straight from the bowels of satan's own thrice-crowned hounds of hell! SHERMAN Language! [evil nice again] You have plenty of money.  I've looked into your financials.  Not just Eden's little trust fund, but liquid assets as well.  HENRY    That's blackmail! SHERMAN Technically, it's extortion. So far.  Extortion is getting money with a threat of something yet to come. HENRY    It's still illegal. CALLANDRA    Oh, horrors! SHERMAN Blackmail, on the other hand, is getting money with the threat of revealing something from the past. Like your criminal record? HENRY    My... [confused] what? SHERMAN Mr. Anderson, I have no wish to go into detail, but do you really think I would come here with just the might of CPS behind me? HENRY    Maybe. SHERMAN No. I have something concrete on you.  HENRY    Doesn't ring a bell.  [chuckles lamely]  Criminal record?  Me?  [laughs] SHERMAN Do the words 1987 and dot com mean anything to you? HENRY    But I was just-- ["a kid", but he cuts off] SHERMAN Using an assumed name? You're very lucky no one thought to cross-reference your fingerprints before, but once they do what I did... HENRY    Oh, crap. SHERMAN I'm in no hurry. I'd be happy to take a little something up front, and then a larger payment by the end of the week, perhaps? HENRY    I'll ...see what I have lying around. MUSIC   SCENE 14 – CHAT WITH DAD SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FEET STORM IN HENRY    Is your mike on, Mr. Anderson? SOUND    COMPUTER BEEP HENRY    Good.  Cause I don't know jack about how to work these things. SOUND    COMPUTER BOOP HENRY    You heard what happened?  How? SOUND    BOOP HENRY     I didn't even notice a computer in the living room.  SOUND    BOOP HENRY    Huh?  Which button? SOUND    BOOP HENRY    No need to get snippy. SOUND     BUTTON PUSHED ETHAN    [computer generated voice]  You will go immediately to the first hill bank and trust-- HENRY    What do you mean immediately?  I gotta do grocery shopping this morning. ETHAN    Delivered. HENRY    Not for here.  for my mom. ETHAN    Get it delivered. HENRY    Hey! Mom may be an old lush, but she expects to see me from time to time. ETHAN    Bank after. HENRY    What's all this crap that witch was talking about, anyway? ETHAN    No time.  Bank today.  Take three thousand dollars-- HENRY    I can't pass for you at a damn bank!  I can't sign your name!  ETHAN     Account in your name.  Use your own I-D. HENRY    What?  In my name?  What makes you think I won't just walk off... [back on topic] Second - why three thousand?  She won't settle for just three-- ETHAN    Three thousand will pay off her car. HENRY    Damn.  You really can find out anything, can't you? MUSIC   SCENE 15 – HENRY HOME SOUND    DOOR OPENS, MOM'S HOUSE.  TV ON HENRY    I brought your groceries. MOM    Good.  Didja get any beer? HENRY    It's still in the car. MOM    Bring that in next, woudja?  That's a good boy. HENRY    [from other room, confused] Mom?  Where's my TV? MOM    Mine was ...uh...on the fritz, so I moved yours in here. HENRY    You did? MOM    I had help. HENRY    You forgot to pay, didn't you? MOM    That is no way to talk to your mother!  Besides, if you weren't gone all the time, I wouldn't have such a problem.  You know I never was good with money.  HENRY    Yeah. MOM    When did you say you'd get paid for this new job you got? MUSIC   SCENE 16 – DINNER WITH EDEN SOUND    DINNER NOISES    HENRY    You made this? EDEN    [sullen] Yeah.  HENRY    It's pretty good. EDEN    Should be.  Been cooking since I was [Callandra's accent] "just a wee thing".  [change of tone, sullen]  You were gone all day.  Again. HENRY    I came back. EDEN    Well, duh.  We're paying you to be here. HENRY    Are the ghosts joining us? EDEN    [still sullen] Frederic gets too jumpy around food, and Callandra "doesna feel tis proper." MOMENT OF SILENCE HENRY    Are you mad at me?  SOUND    THUMP - VASE ON TABLE HENRY    What the h---ay?  You going through my room? EDEN    Callandra saw you hide it.  SHE's very upset with you. CALLNDRA    [from off] Though it is a right pretty wee thing! HENRY    I had to bring it along - mom was about to use it as an ashtray. EDEN    Why do you steal? HENRY    Whoa!  That ain't polite to ask. EDEN    It isn't polite to steal. MOMENT OF SILENCE HENRY    What else am I gonna do?  Shove burgers?  I ain't even got a GED.  Without that… well… EDEN    If you're trying to convince me to stay in school, there's no point. HENRY    No way!  You gonna drop out?  Smart kid like you – you could be any darn thing you want! EDEN    Oh, please.  I already have a GED.  Or at least, I took the test – just to see, you know?  And I've taken a few college courses on the Internet.  I stay in school for the socialization.  HENRY    Huh? EDEN    I stay in school to look normal and have friends.  The work is boring as hell, but I don't want to stand out.  Do you know how hard it is to manage a B+ average? HENRY    [sarcastic] Never had that problem, myself. EDEN    [mounting upset] I have to guess on each test what the correct percentage of answers is to get wrong.  I have to dumb my writing down for essay questions.  I have to-- HENRY    Why? EDEN    Why? HENRY    Why not just say to hell with it, and let em see how smart you are? EDEN    Smart kids get noticed.  I can stand out when I'm older.  When it's safe.  MUSIC   SCENE 17 – WHERE’S DAD SOUND    COMPUTER NOISES HENRY    You need to get your butt home, dude.  Your government might need you, but your daughter needs you more. ETHAN    Not possible. HENRY    What, are you in deep cover or something?  In a foreign prison?  [slow realization]  Oh.... crap. ETHAN    We are both in crap. HENRY    No, I mean you - you're like them, aren't you? ETHAN    Define "them". HENRY    The ghosts. ETHAN    [beat] Yes. HENRY    Holy crap. ETHAN    No.  Just regular crap.  HENRY    I can't stay here forever! ETHAN    Eden needs you. HENRY    [wobbling] My mom... she needs me, too. ETHAN    Open the scanner. HENRY    What?  Oh, that.  SOUND    SCANNER NOISE ETHAN    I need your hand. MUSIC   SCENE 18 – WHERE’S MOM SOUND    SILENT HOUSE, KEY IN LOCK, DOOR OPENS HENRY    Mom, why's the TV --?  [panicky] Mom? SOUND    MOVES THROUGH, TALKING HENRY    Mom, please say you're okay.  Say something!  Hello?  Oh, jeez, what could they'a done to‑‑ [cuts off as he spots something] What? SOUND    PAPER PICKED UP HENRY    [Reading]  Hope you get this. Woulda called, but-- MOM    [continuing, guilt tripping]  --you never gave me your number at "work".  Won a cruise in a mail-in contest.  Back in a month.  "Mom."  P-S, all expenses paid - how you like them apples.  Oh, and make sure to pay the electric bill.  Want heat when I get home. HENRY    [half amused, half annoyed chuckle] Ethan, you king of all shits. MUSIC   SCENE 19 – LIKE MOTHER SOUND    OUTSIDE, DAYTIME STREET GARTH    Hey! EDEN    [suspicious]  Can I help you? GARTH    [mean chuckle] You bet. SOUND    CLICK OF CAMERA PHONE GARTH    [annoyed] Hey! EDEN    [scared, but standing her ground] If this is a mugging, I just e-mailed your picture to my dad. GARTH    He's not gonna do anything. EDEN    What makes you so sure? GARTH    My mom has him by the short hairs. EDEN    Your mom? GARTH    Sherman?  From CPS?  Ring any bells? EDEN    She went away.  Everything is fine. GARTH    Course it is.  It's fine as long as you guys play ball. EDEN    [starting to get it]  As long as we--? GARTH    Pay up.  EDEN    But that's-- GARTH    You wanna complain, go whine to your dad, he'll explain the facts of life.  For now... you got an ipod? EDEN    [starting to break] I-- GARTH    [threatening] Or should I say, do I got an ipod?  [snarl] Hand it over. SOUND    HAND OVER EDEN    [nearly in tears] There.  Choke on it, you bully! GARTH    Uh!  [shoves her] SOUND    EDEN FALLS EDEN    [gasp, trying hard not to cry] SOUND    GARTH WALKS AWAY GARTH    Hah!  She got the Bieber fever.  [nasty laugh]  Ooh!  Beyonce!  EDEN    [long sniffle] SOUND    RUNNING FEET HENRY    What happened?  Here, let me-- SOUND    SHE JUMPS UP AND THROWS HER ARMS AROUND HIM EDEN    [crying] HENRY    [nervous, not sure what to say] It's okay!  I'll handle this.  It's-- [determined, personal]  It's going to be okay. MUSIC   SCENE 20 – getting even SOUND    QUIETLY DRESSING HENRY    [whispering] It's easy to forget she's just a kid. FREDERIC    [stage whisper]  She is a most self-possessed young lady. HENRY    Shh.  She only just got to sleep. FREDERIC    And you?  Are you leaving her now, in her hour of need? HENRY    [grim] Something I gotta do. FREDERIC    In the middle of the night? SOUND    ZIPPER ZIPS FREDERIC    And dressed all in black?  I sense skullduggery! HENRY    Sense all you want, but stay quiet about it.  FREDERIC    Alas that I cannot do more than keep the light burning for your return.  HENRY    Yeah.  See you in the morning. MUSIC   SCENE 21 – SATISFACTION SOUND    LOUD BANGING ON THE FRONT DOOR, DOOR OPENS HENRY    [self satisfied] Ahh!  [yawns]  So sorry.  Long night. SHERMAN Your check bounced! HENRY    [congenial]  No, I put a stop payment on it.  Won't you come in? SHERMAN You WHAT? HENRY    I - we - aren't playing your game any more. SOUND    DOOR CREAKS OPEN A CRACK, UP CLOSE EDEN    [whispered, eavesdropping] Go, Henry! FREDERIC    I could always give her a visitation - maybe we'll get lucky and she'll keel over from the shock! EDEN    No!  He may be a butt, but I don't want you to kill some kid's mom!  CALLANDRA    They've gone into the living room! EDEN    I'll have to listen on the laptop then.  Right dad? SOUND    BEEP MUSIC   SCENE 22 – REVELATION HENRY    Would you like a soda? SHERMAN I would like an explanation. What makes you think I won't go through with turning you in? HENRY    Go ahead.  When they take my fingerprints and they don't match the ones you have on file, you'll look pretty silly. SHERMAN You - you...! HENRY    You might have noticed that I'm a bit of a computer nerd. SHERMAN Oh-ho-ho! [getting composure back]  You may have changed the prints on the system,  But you can't get into my backups. HENRY    Call my bluff. SHERMAN Very well-- HENRY    BUT-- SOUND    MOMENT OF AWKWARD PAUSE SHERMAN [worried] What? HENRY    I'm afraid you have a problem of your own. SHERMAN I have a what? Are you trying to blackmail me?  I am very careful. HENRY    About your money stuff, yeah - I'm sure you are.  This is something else.  A vase. SHERMAN A what? HENRY    Have you read the papers recently?  The museum? SHERMAN The Cellini Vase? HENRY    Yeah, that thing. SHERMAN What does that have to do with me? HENRY    It's in your house. MUSIC   SCENE 23 – FINALE EDEN    What if she finds it? HENRY    What's she gonna do with it?  She don't know no fences. CALLANDRA    Or any place to sell it either. EDEN    She might give it back? FREDERIC    And try to explain how she happened to come by such a fugitive object?  Hah! HENRY    Hah is right. EDEN    [down] So I guess this means you're gonna go now.  I mean now that it's all clear. HENRY    I guess. EDEN    Would you stay?  I mean, if you could? HENRY    I'd like to but.... I dunno.  My mom-- SOUND    BEEP ETHAN    [computer voice] Was lucky and got an apartment in a new full-service assisted living community. HENRY    What?  You can't just-- ETHAN    Try and get her out.  They have KeNo every Thursday. HENRY    [annoyed but thinking] Hmm..... Does she get to have a nice TV? ETHAN    No. HENRY    What?  How can you--? ETHAN    You will bring one to her.  EDEN    Clever. FREDERIC    Brilliant! CALLANDRA    [sniffling] Touching. HENRY    Gotcha.  And what about me? EDEN    I have four more years before I can technically be emancipated.  If you're willing to be my dad til then, we'll-- ETHAN    Pay you one hundred thousand per year. HENRY    [dubious] That's pretty good.  Hmm...  Four years. EDEN    Well, what do you want, then? HENRY    Four years sounds like a heckuva lot like college. EDEN    I'm still too young. HENRY    Nah... I was thinking... you know... [quiet] For me.  [up] But only if you'll help me get my GED and stuff. EDEN    I bet I could be a really good tutor! MUSIC    END
10/27/202233 minutes, 42 seconds
Episode Artwork

19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week: THE PERFECT PIGEON

A classic-style caper, chock-a-block with art theft, swindling, and romance! Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Algernon Winthrop - Will Watt Bartholomew Hetheredge - Glen Hallstrom Harriet Carter-Nelson - Julie Hoverson Attendant - Russell Gold Music by Laché Swing  (Free Music Archive) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Julie Hoverson     (in the style of the Dell Mapback mystery covers)     with help from Steve Guy "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a gentleman's club in the 1930s, can't you tell?" *********************************************************************** THE PERFECT PIGEON Cast: Announcer Algernon Winthrop, a young gentleman whose profession is art broker - with a secret life as a gentleman thief Harriet Carter-Nelson, country heiress, who has inherited some paintings Bartholomew Heatheredge, elder bachelor, friend and confidante of Algernon Butler, discreet and very well trained       THE PERFECT PIGEON MUSIC TO OPEN - LIGHT 1930s JAZZ OLIVIA    What do you mean what kind of place is it?  Why it's a private room in a proper Gentleman's Club in London in the 1930s - can't you tell? MUSIC SCENE 1    THE CLUB ROOM SOUND     RADIO PLAYS JAZZ IN ANOTHER ROOM ALGY    Bartholomew, old man - believe it or not, I've been HAD. BART    [mock incredulous] Algernon Winthrop the third?  "Had"?  Hold on, shh!  [beat]  No, no... I don't think I hear the trumpet hailing the end of all things, so how could You possibly-- ALGY    Hush!  Do you want to hear the story or not? BART    [teasing] I dunno - do I? ALGY    You're the only one I can tell, so I expect you can guess what this is in regards to. BART    [knowing smirk] "Art"? ALGY    Yes.  I was approached last Wednesday week by [wistful] a vision of loveliness-- BART    Male or Female? ALGY    Female, of course!  You know which direction my loveliness runs.  A trim auburn lass with a back like she'd been born on a horse. BART    There is something to be said for centaurs. ALGY    She said she had been referred to me as a leading authority on certain kinds of paintings. BART    [chuckles expectantly] A-ha! ALGY    Well, I am!  And I have the advantage of being outside the normal rope and cap mobs.  BART    Someone with no affiliation to bat for. ALGY    Correct.  [sigh]  She invited me to her country estate, and how could I refuse?  There are untold treasures hidden in mouldering attics throughout the land! BART    Better you than me.  I loathe the country. ALGY    You loathe anything beyond a ten minute walk from this club. BART    Very true.  [arch]  Oh, you've reminded me, we're in a club.  That means there is hot and cold running alcohol to hand.  Shall we? ALGY    I'll stick to a weak Gin and Tonic, if you don't mind.  I may have to do later. BART    Oh-ho!! SOUND    GENTLE BELL RINGS, GENTLE DOOR OPENS BUTLER    Sir? BART    Drinks, please.  G and T, heavy on the T, and some of that port I'm so fond of. BUTLER    Excellent selections, sir. SOUND    DOOR CLOSES ALGY    [chuckling] He'd say that regardless of what you asked for. BART    True, but he would say it with a subtle sneer in his voice.  Frankly, I can't remember the vintage of the port in question... but apparently he does. ALGY    Indispensible.  BART    I know you won't recount anything juicy until he returns, so tell me more about this girl? ALGY    Harriet Carter-Nelson.  Last heir of some family or other.  Was left the only house not entailed to a distant chinless wonder.  Took possession, found it rather a crumbling heap, but discovered there were some potentially salable items hidden about the place. BART    Items in the "canvas" line, I assume? ALGY    Precisely. SOUND    TAP AT THE DOOR BART    Come in. SOUND    BUTLER ENTERS, PUTS DOWN DRINKS, LEAVES ALGY    [sips]  Perfect.  Gem of a man. BART    Can't remember his name any more than the vintage, but I do try and appreciate him whenever I have the chance. ALGY    Appreciate him a bit for me, too, would you? BART    Certainly.  [drinks] Now, the canvasses. ALGY    After an hour or so of driving - the place was halfway to Inverness - I came upon a stark silhouette set against a striking sunset.  BART    You paint such pictures with your words. ALGY    I suppose an eye is an eye, for all that.  Checking the coordinates, I discovered I had arrived.  More striking still was the vision of loveliness that greeted me at the door. BART    NOT a butler, then? ALGY    No.  There was some sort of staff about, but she was expecting me, and made certain to be ready upon my arrival. BART    Curiouser and curiouser - a woman who doesn’t make one wait an half hour for her entrance?  I like her already. ALGY    [rueful] As do I.  She lacks that sheen of plasticine that so many women don the moment they "come out" and never seem to take off again.  Everything about her seemed so natural.  So genuine.  MUSIC TRANSITION   SCENE 2    OUTSIDE THE HOUSE SOUND    FROGS, NIGHT NOISES HARRIET    I'm so pleased you found it!  Come in, come in!  Oh, no wait - sorry.  You should turn your car around before the light goes.  Some of the ground is boggy and it's quite treacherous in the dark. ALGY    I'll be perfectly fine. HARRIET     [mock sigh] Your funeral.  Come along. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL THEN WOOD, DOOR SHUTS ALGY    I didn't realize there was any civilization this far into the hinterlands. HARRIET     Oh, there isn't.  Not really.  But I love it out here.  The country is so beautiful - nine weeks out of the year.  Between mold season and mosquito season.  ALGY    [laughs]  BART    [Voice Over] Enough with the flirting - tell me about the paintings. ALGY    [VO] Give me a moment to wallow in our collective wit, won't you? BART    [VO] One more moment, then.  Proceed. HARRIET     There's a set of rooms that's quite liveable, and a few larger enclosed spaces that might pass for human habitation.  [drops the banter]  I'm hoping - truly - that some of the paintings will be worth enough that I can sell them and [loving] rescue the poor house.  [clipped again] You did say you have contacts and know people who might be looking to buy? ALGY    I shall do the best for you that I can. ALGY    [VO] And I would.  Whatever my other interests are, once I give my word, I always keep it. BART    [VO] Particularly to such a lovely young thing, eh, wot? HARRIET     It's very kind of you. ALGY    Well, I do expect to make some little commission on it, of course. HARRIET     Of course.  Right through here. MUSIC   SCENE 3    THE CLUB ROOM SOUND    ALGY DRINKS ALGY    [disgusted sigh] and it was ... tragic. BART    Strong word. ALGY    Strong feeling.  The room she took me into was hung with a dozen limp landscapes. BART    Limp? ALGY    Oh, you know the type "Aunt so-and so painted this in 1860 on the French Riveria". Or "Grandmama was always well regarded for her eye for beauty". BART    Good night.  And after such a long drive! ALGY    And watching that look of hope slide off her dainty face.  The light going out in her hazel eyes. MUSIC   SCENE 4    INSIDE THE HOUSE SOUND    SLIGHT CREAKS WHEN THEY WALK HARRIET     That bad? ALGY    I may be able to get you an odd bob or so - perhaps from an American.  Not more. HARRIET     Oh.  ALGY    It happens to the best of us. ALGY    [VO] She turned away, and the line of her shoulders spoke volumes. BART    [VO] Reading her shoulders?  On a first date? [chuckles] ALGY    I-I-- Perhaps I should... go? HARRIET     No.  [coming to a decision, almost teary]  I... Can I trust you? ALGY    Goodness, would anyone say no to that? HARRIET     [burst of laughter]  Goodness be blowed!  I'm going to take a chance.  People have said good things about you.  Come along. SOUND    WALKING, CREAKING, UNDER VO ALGY    [VO] She took me deep into the bowels of the house, into some sort of secret room.  I watched closely as she tweaked various odds and sods on a rococo mantlepiece, and a panel slid open. SOUND    CREAK AS PANEL SHIFTS SOUND    HOLLOW MOANING WIND HARRIET     There's a family ghost, but it's benign. ALGY    Spirits have never bothered me. ALGY    [VO] And in this room - by gad! BART    [VO] Yes? ALGY    [VO] Arrayed around the walls were a good dozen of what looked like genuine Old masters.  Undiscovered, possibly unknown. BART    [VO] Real?  ALGY    Real? HARRIET    Yes, but.  Problematic. ALGY    How so? HARRIET    Apparently, according to unverifiable family lore, one of our ancestors was quite the notorious bandit. ALGY    Bandit? HARRIET    Highwayman, I believe they called the titled ones.  He raided everything within a week's ride, they say, and stashed most of the boodle here.  Everything that could be sold easily, went long ago.  Gold, jewels, things like that. ALGY    Well, if they were stolen so long ago, I doubt there would be any debate as to the ownership. HARRIET    [very doubtful] Oh... I'm sure. It's just... ALGY    Yes? HARRIET    [pitiable]  There's no money.  Not a sou.  I can't possibly defend even the slightest case.  A solitary whisper of doubt, and I'll lose everything. ALGY    I see. HARRIET    And without concrete provenance, there's no legitimate way I can sell even one of these.  Tragic, isn’t it? ALGY    There are plenty of people who would buy, provenance or no.  You might not get full measure, but that all depends on your patience and negotiating talent. HARRIET    [exasperated] Buyers there may be, but I wouldn't know where to find them!  ALGY    I would. HARRIET    [still fuming, not hearing him immediately] And even if I did, I wouldn't know the first thing to say-- [breaks off, realizing] What? ALGY    I know all the right people.  If you can trust me with any one of those, I'll get you top dollar. HARRIET    But why would you help me?  And how can I possibly trust you? ALGY    Oh, I'll take my standard commission, of course.  And I'll play you fair on the first one, if for no other reason than in hope that you'll let me take on the rest. HARRET    [worried musing] It's a big step.  The mere thought of letting them out of my sight terrifies me.  It's not as if I have insurance or anything.  If the worst should happen - I'd be lost. ALGY    If I could, I would buy one outright from you - at a discount, you understand - and hazard a chance I could make a profit.  But these are far out of my range, unless I were to insult you by offering a pittance. HARRIET    A pittance would at least keep body and soul together until you were able to sell it.  Could you - manage something in a down payment?  Even just call it an assurance - we could write up a contract and everything! ALGY    Oh, I don’t think we need go that far.  But I could advance you something, if you don't mind waiting a day or two.  HARRIET    [musing] Let's see - a day or two for you to get back, then I have to arrange a lift into the city, to get to the bank, and back.... ALGY    [amused] Are you hinting that you would prefer cash? HARRIET    Am I that transparent?  [sweetly]  I used to be quite a good liar, I'm told, but desperation does wear one's nerve a bit thin.  And the local shops no longer honor this house with credit. ALGY    I could manage, say, a thousand pounds assurance.  If you'll let me take that small one. HARRIET    A thousand?  You think this is worth so much? ALGY    Ten times that, at least.  HARRIET    My hero!  I'll have it crated and ready for transport when you return, will that be all right? ALGY    Certainly. MUSIC   SCENE 5    THE CLUB ROOM BART    You didn’t. ALGY    I did. BART    And which one of the limp landscapes did you purchase for a thousand pounds? ALGY    [sigh] A rather dreadful view of some lighthouse that's slightly off plumb. BART    [laughs heartily]  And what do you plan to do about it? ALGY    What do you think? BART    Can you find your way back in again? ALGY    I believe so.  I truly would have played fair with her, but... BART    What can she expect?  Swindling a notorious art thief like "The Badger"? MUSIC - TIME PASSES   SCENE 6    THE CLUB ROOM - NEXT DAY SOUND    DOOR OPENS ALGY    [entering melodramatically]  Oh, Bart!  Bart, my old chum!  All is lost! SOUND    DOOR SHUTS BART    Sit, dear boy.  Sit and tell!  Is this your enchanting titian-haired siren? ALGY    Enchanting!  Enchantress is more like it! BART    Why?  Don’t tell me you couldn't get back into her secret painting room? ALGY    [chortles sarcastically] Oh-ho-ho.  It's far worse than that. BART    Ah.  Good thing I laid on some rather strong liquor when I got your cable.  Drink up. ALGY    [drinks]  There's really not much to tell. BART    I hope you have more than that!  This is expensive stuff! ALGY    I got into the house.  Even managed to find the right combination of whorls on the carving - she’d pushed a number of extra thingumees, did I mention that? BART    So she knew you were watching? ALGY    [sighing admission] Yes.  She's frightfully brilliant. BART    Let me get this straight - this charming chit of a girl has fooled you twice, and yet you still admire her? ALGY    I admire her because she has fooled me twice. BART    And her loveliness has nothing to do with it? ALGY    Well... [smiling] it certainly doesn't hurt. BART    [beat] So... you got into the room. ALGY    Yes.  Yes.  I got in.  BART    [exasperated] And? ALGY    Every one of the frames that I had so closely examined not two weeks before was filled... with landscapes! BART    THE landscapes? ALGY    For all I know she has an infinite supply of the blasted things!  [sudden realization] By Jove! BART    What? ALGY    I can't believe it never occurred to me before - what if I'm not the first? BART    Whatever do you mean? ALGY    What if this little minx has pulled this same trick on other so-called art dealers? BART    [chuckles]  Are you outraged at her daring, or because she didn’t pick you first? ALGY    There she was, dressed in plain homespun, crying infinite poverty, when she may have just held up half the crooked daub handlers in Piccadilly! BART    I can see why you admire her. ALGY    The beast! BART    I can't wait to meet her. ALGY    Wretch! BART    You'll have to bring her around sometime. ALGY    What? BART    Well, you are going to see her again, aren’t you? ALGY    You old dog.  You know everything.  [beat]  She should be here any minute. BART    Then I expect it’s a good thing I’ve dropped a word here and there about a niece who might be coming into town any day now, isn’t it? ALGY    I don’t know why I even try-- SOUND    KNOCK AT DOOR BART    Yes? SOUND    DOOR OPENS, BUTLER ENTERS BUTLER    Sir, there is a young lady here to see mister Algernon Winthrop.  I told her merely that I would inquire...? BART    Proper, as always.  Don’t give her any definite answer, there’s a good chap, but bring her on up.  BUTLER    [slightly miffed]  Very good, sir. SOUND    DOOR CLOSES BART    That.  That is definitely the sound he would make if I placed an order for anything substandard. ALGY    I say, Bart, hide me, would you? BART    What and leave your young lady entirely in my clutches? ALGY    I know you’ll get something out of her, and all the more if she doesn’t realize I’m here.  BART    [indulgent] That door there.  It has a lovely large keyhole, and a connection to the corridor.  I’ll ferret out whatever she's hiding.  You’ll get your hands on those paintings yet. ALGY    Oh, I already have plans for that.  BART    Oh?  What--? SOUND    KNOCK ON DOOR. SOUND    SCRAMBLE AS ALGY HIDES SOUND    HIS DOOR QUIETLY CREAKS SHUT BART    [calling] Come in. SOUND    HER DOOR OPENS SOUND    BART POURS DRINK BUTLER    [introductions]  Miss Harriet Carter-Nelson.  Mister Bartholomew Heatheredge. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SHUTS [NOTE:  from this point until she "overplays her hand", BART and ALGY are pulling a con on Harriet to get her to trade back the painting] BART    [suddenly stern]  Please have a seat, Miss Carter-Nelson.  I pray you won’t take offense at my not rising, but my gout has been simply murder this past week. HARRIET    [uncertain]  But... I was invited here by Mister Winthrop? BART    I have sent him on some trifling errand, in hopes that we might finish our business without his interference.  HARRIET    Business? BART    Poor Algy has a lamentably sentimental nature when it comes to these things. HARRIET    Pray enlighten me of "these things" that you are speaking of? BART    I assume you will not be adverse to endorsing this. SOUND    PAPER PRODUCED WITH A FLOURISH HARRIET    What is it?  [almost a laugh] A bill of sale?  For-- BART    The painting currently in Mr. Winthrop’s possession. HARRIET    But it’s-- BART    Practically worthless?  Nonetheless, Mr. Winthrop requests that you make it over to him in its entirety, in return for monies which have already changed hands - to wit, one thousand pounds. HARRIET    Why should he want to claim ownership of the silly thing? BART    [fraught with ominous meaning] Why indeed.  [brisk] All you need concern yourself with is your signature on that document, placing the item into legal custody of my client. HARRIET    Client? BART    Did he fail to mention that I am his family solicitor? HARRIET    [worried]  Solicitor.  Yes, I believe he overlooked that. BART    Come, come.  He won’t be gone all day. HARRIET    No.  I would like to hear the reason for this. BART    [furious] Miss Carter-Nelson!  I am not here to give explanations, merely to get one of two outcomes from you - and while my preference would be for you to regain your painting, and my client his money, that is undoubtedly out of the question.  Should the need arise, I am also prepared to begin legal proceedings. HARRIET    [gasp] SOUND    KNOCK ALGY    [outside] I say, Bart, have you got someone in there? BART    Drat. HARRIET    [musing] Lamentably sentimental, you say? BART    Mister Winthrop, perhaps you would-- HARRIET    [loud, over him, cheery] Come in! SOUND    DOOR OPENS, ALGY ENTERS ALGY    Good gracious!  Are you keeping secrets from me, old man? BART    I am merely trying to legitimize the transaction that passed between you two-- HARRIET    [flirty] He’s trying to get me to sign over all ownership of that painting. ALGY    Oh!  Good job.  Go on. HARRIET    You... you actually WANT it? ALGY    [hinting] It’s not a matter of what I want-- BART    [cutting him off]  AHEM.  It’s a matter of making the entire situation clear and above board.  The painting has more than been compensated for.  HARRIET    [suspicious] What do you plan to do with it? BART    [rising irritation] That is none of your concern!  The only thing that needs to happen here and now is for you to transfer title or return my client’s deposit. HARRIET    This is hardly fair.  I should need to consult a solicitor as well - see to it that this bill of sale is proper and aboveboard! BART    You’re right, of course.  If you will give me the name of your solicitor, I can contact him directly.  [muttered]  Probably best to have him on hand, regardless, just in case Mr. Winthrop decides to take my advice as to... legal action. HARRIET    Mr. Winthrop, I just want to-- ALGY    You can call me Algernon, if you like, Miss Carter-Nelson. HARRIET    [hesitant, confused]  Algernon.  Very well, but I-- ALGY    And perhaps I might be allowed to call you Harriet? HARRIET    [a bit wry]  Will it help convince you this does not require legal action if we are on a first name basis? ALGY    [laughs]  Perhaps. HARRIET    [slightly wheedling] Will it help convince you to let me in on the big secret about the... uh... painting in question?  ALGY    Oh, that.  It’s really quite simple-- BART    Ahem. ALGY    [fatuous] Hush, Barty. I know how to handle women. BART    AHEM! ALGY    Shall I ring and have someone bring you a lozenge?  No?  Very well.  [confidential, pleased]  Now Harriet.  I can take a joke as well as the next fellow.  Don’t you agree? HARRIET    You’ve been a pip. ALGY    And I’m sure you feel that perhaps I’ve only got what I deserve, as I may very well have been on the verge of stealing your lovely old master, or at the very least short-changing such a poor but lovely young heiress. HARRIET    You would be surprised how many might consider such dastardly deeds, given our relative positions. ALGY    [annoyed] How many?  [smooth again]  Well, I can assure you that I would have played fair with you - and got you the best possible deal--   BART    That is all moot.  Why don’t you just null the entire transaction and give the painting back.  The colonel-- [catching himself in a mistake] I mean, the person in question - ahem - has stated a clear unwillingness to own any piece of dubious origin. ALGY    A-HEM. HARRIET    [musing] A Colonel? ALGY    I suppose you must have realized by now that I have a potential buyer for the painting, and that I will be making back - mm - more than my thousand.  HARRIET    For that drab thing? ALGY    Some pieces sell on merit, others on sentiment.  The best salesmen are those who find the right customers. HARRIET    How much? BART    As far as you are concerned, it is one thousand pounds, already paid, and an agreement on my client’s part not to litigate for false pretenses. HARRIET    No, really, [very warm] Algernon.  How much? ALGY    [melting] I’ve been offered five thousand, but only with a clear title. HARRIET    [shock] Five? For Great Aunt Ermintrude’s "Impressions of a Baltic Lighthouse?" BART    [muttered] A leaning Baltic lighthouse. ALGY    [annoyed]  A Baltic lighthouse a certain colonel recognizes as a place near where he was once stationed in his youth.  A place he used to meet his one true love. HARRIET    [amazed]  Truly? ALGY    So he says, and I was of no mind to disabuse him. HARRIET    Suddenly I have been hit with a terrible guilt complex about having taken such foul advantage of you.  ALGY    Oh really? HARRIET    Such a sentimental streak - I never would have suspected it. ALGY    I hide it well. BART    [snort of laughter turned into cough] HARRIET    I think the best way to handle this is to give you your money back and call it all even. ALGY    Oh, really? HARRIET    Yes.  And, just to show what a good sport I am, I’d - I'd like to make a present of the silly thing to your friend -um- colonel, uh...?  [hinting] ALGY    [breaks down laughing] BART    I fear you’ve overplayed your hand, young lady. HARRIET    I?  Whatever do you mean? ALGY    You are adorable. HARRIET    [offended] You make it sound as if I was a puppy! ALGY    [still trying to stop laughing] No, no, no.  You are far cleverer than any puppy. HARRIET    I should hope so.  [huff]  I think this is where I should take my leave. ALGY    [suddenly sober]  No.  HARRIET    [wary]  Why? ALGY    There’s still the matter of my money. HARRIET    Get it from your colonel! SOUND    A BIT OF A SCUFFLE AS HE STOPS HER FROM LEAVING BART    Here now!  Here now!  I will not have this!  Sit down, both of you! SOUND    THEY BREAK APART WITH A GASP BART    I said sit!  SOUND    CHAIR NOISES SOUND    DRINKS POURED BART    I have the perfect answer to this dilemma, if you will just be quiet and listen. ALGY    He probably does.  He’s very clever. HARRIET    I think you both find yourselves too clever by half. ALGY    You fit in quite nicely, then, don’t you? BART    How odd.  I distinctly recall-- Did I not say to be quiet?  ALGY    [teasing] We’ll be good, papa. HARRIET    Are you planning to mete out justice like old king Solomon? BART    Do you want half a painting?  [beat]  Good.  Now.  The way I see it, your problem, Miss Carter-Nelson, is you wish to preserve your home, and are going about it in this rather nefarious manner.  HARRIET    Well... BART    This is no time for prevarication, miss --Harriet. HARRIET    I am using what little I have to save my home.  Yes.  BART    Very well. HARRIET    And if I happen to take slight advantage over those who otherwise would have taken similar advantage of me-- ALGY    I already told you, Harriet darling, I would never have-- HARRIET    But I couldn’t know that, could I? BART    Hush!  [beat]  I swear you bicker like-- well, we’ll leave that for the moment.  [chuckles]  And your problem, dear boy, is you would love to get your hands on the lovely old masters this young woman consorts with. HARRIET    [amused] You make it sound quite filthy! ALGY    [quiet] Not the only thing.  [up] Yes.  I would love to be the one to discover such lovely pieces and be able to find them good homes.  Even legitimate ones. BART    Oh, well then - the answer is simple. HARRIET    Oh?  Really? BART    You two should marry. HARRIET    [startled, outraged] What? ALGY    Capital idea.  Was thinking something along those lines myself. HARRIET    oh!  [indignant gasp]  Here! SOUND    PURSE CLICKS OPEN, COUNT OUT MONEY HARRIET    Here is your blasted thousand pounds. SOUND    MONEY TOSSED ON TABLE SOUND    PURSE SNAPPED SHUT HARRIET    [huff] Good day! SOUND    SHE LEAVES, SLAMMING THE DOOR BART    [chuckle] She suits you.  ALGY    [confident] Just a matter of time. BART    Make sure to send along some of the wedding cake, there's a good chap.  THE END ANNOUNCER    [credits]
10/20/202225 minutes, 15 seconds
Episode Artwork

Atomic Julie - JABBERWOCK, BEWARE By Richard A. Sternbach

An alien encounter with a battle of wills.  And a bunch of stereotypical accents!
10/20/202217 minutes, 39 seconds
Episode Artwork

19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week: MURDER WARD

[NOTE: Outdated and non-PC terminology regarding mental issues] Written and produced by Julie Hoverson "Not guilty by reason of insanity" sounds like an easy out to murderer Edmund - but when he checks into Dr. Larson's mental hospital, he gets much more than he bargained for. Cast List Edmund/Achilles - Kim Turner Preacher Ronald - Pat McNally Rose Connelly - Joy Jackson Hector - Cole Hornaday Dr. Larson - Marge Lutton Terrance - Greg Porter Lawyer - Sigmund Hoverson Ape man - Reynaud LeBoeuf District Attorney - Melinda Mains Also heard - Julie Hoverson Music:  Kevin MacLeod ( Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Sound effects found on Cover Photos:  Front - Witek Burkiewicz (via Stock "What kind of a place is it?  Why, it's an insane asylum - can't you tell?  Where else would you find... a murderer?" ************************************************************************ MURDER WARD Cast: OLIVIA, the host EDMUND Rafelsen (M/30s) - evil alter ego "Achilles" RUDY Horton, Esq. (M/50s) - Edmund's lawyer TERRANCE (M/20s) - the guard ROSE Connelly (F/20s) - paranoid, hears voices HECTOR Wilson (M/20s) - phobic, fears women RONALD Tomlinson (M/40s) - believes he's obeying god VINCENT (M/any) - frightening, violently crazy DOCTOR Sara LARSON (F/40s) - psychiatrist CROWD, GIRL, MOM, KID - any voices DISTRICT ATTORNEY - District Attorney OLIVIA    Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's an insane asylum, can't you tell?  Where else would you find ...a murderer?  MUSIC OLIVIA    [voice over]  "Not guilty by reason of insanity".  A legal defense, often misused to try and get a lighter sentence for a heinous crime.  And what does it really mean?  In a nutshell--   SCENE 1.  OFFICE RUDY    --it means at the time you did what you did, you didn't - couldn't - understand what you were doing was wrong.  It's a tough sell, Ed.  No matter what the movies make out, most juries just don't believe-- EDMUND    [cultured voice]  Mr. Horton, I would prefer that you address me directly when you speak to me. RUDY    Ed, this isn't funny. EDMUND    There is no "Ed" here.  Edmund, however, is sleeping.  Mr. Horton, if you cannot bring yourself to use my name, at least-- RUDY    OK, look-- SOUND    rustling paper RUDY    [disapproving]  --Achilles - I-- EDMUND    And I am not insane.  Nor is Edmund.  I knew perfectly well what I did was wrong.  All those pretty little women.  I was really doing them a favor.  The world is so harsh. RUDY    I--  Look, Achilles, let me talk to Ed for a while.  It's his name on the docket, after all. EDMUND    Very well.  I shall rouse him for you.  [voice changes to more lower class - after this, he speaks as Ed any time not otherwise noted]  Yeah?  What is it shyster?  Hey!  Why's my cigarette all burned down all of a sudden? MUSIC   SCENE 2.  COURTROOM crowd    [MURMURS] SOUND    gavel DOCTOR Larson    Ahem.  As I said, after a thorough examination, I have concluded that while Edmund is nominally the dominant persona, his alter ego Achilles was the one who actually committed... [fade out] MUSIC   SCENE 3.  ASYLUM HALLWAY sound    footsteps on tile.  jingle of keys TERRANCE    Guess you think you're lucky, eh? SOUND    door unlocks EDMUND    And why's that? SOUND    door opens inmates    [AD LIB, MURMURS "IN CHARACTER" see monologues at end] EDMUND    What the--? TERRANCE    Your new pals, bub.  As I was saying, I guess you THINK you're lucky, getting off without the death penalty and all.  Come on. SOUND    slow footsteps EDMUND    Look mac, I thought I was gonna have a private room-- TERRANCE    These are the induction cells.  Once the Doc gets a handle on your syko-sees, she'll move you to someplace appropriate. EDMUND    She?  SOUND    footsteps stop TERRANCE    Sure.  You saw her at your trial - Doctor Larson.  She's got some big-brain new ideas about how ta deal with luniacks like yourself.  SOUND    keys JINGLE.  TERRANCE    Your room, misshur. SOUND    cell unlocks, DOOR opens. EDMUND    But, but there's a DAME in here.  Ain't we supposed to be-- TERRANCE    Funny thing about that.  Dames go off the pier too.  And we're overbooked in that department.  She probly won't be here long.  Besides, she's waaaay over there.  She can't hurt you. SOUND    footsteps HECTOR    [fading in - urgent milktoast]  --he's right.  She shouldn't be in here.  You don't understand the damage they can do.  [fading] Women are-- RONALD    [fading in, hissing whispers]  ‑‑have new instructions.  It is time for you to let me go.  HE has declared it.  [fading]  My presence is required-- SOUND    footsteps end, jingle of keys ROSE    [fading in] --staring at me.  Are you sure they can't get out?  Please, would you check the locks again?  [fading]  I'm so afraid-- SOUND    door opens and shuts. inmates    [MOMENT OF SILENCE] ROSE    [sigh] RONALD    [normal, husky voice]  Hey.  New guy.  Got any smokes? EDMUND    What? RONALD    Smokes.  EDMUND    Even if I did, they wouldn't let us have any matches, would they? ROSE    [hard dame]  Who are you kidding?  You can get pretty much anything in here, just as long as you know who to ask.  And HOW to ask it. EDMUND    Funny, you sounded crazy a minute ago. ROSE    [snort]  Yeah, well.  We all have our bad days...  [raising voice slightly]  And some never have good days, right Heck? HECTOR    Wicked Jezebel.  You shouldn't be here. ROSE    [to Edmund]  We're pretty sure that Hector there is the real McCoy.  RONALD    Now, now.  We're ALL nuts.  We must keep that in mind. ROSE    Yeah, but THAT guy - he just never lets up! EDMUND    But if you ain't crazy-- RONALD    [chuckles]  Court says we are.  Even with moments of lucidity, well--  What can they do? EDMUND    What if they're listening?  Recording, maybe? ROSE    I thought I was the one with the persecution complex. RONALD    I've been trying to catch them for over a month.  Nothing doing.  They're just not interested.  Besides, once the jury brings down the verdict, the court has to keep you locked you up until they cure you. ROSE    OR you give up and confess. RONALD    Oh, sure.  [sarcastic]  I'll just admit it was all phony, take my lumps and go to the Chair!  EDMUND    What if one of you decides to squeal? ROSE    [laughs]  Who'd take the word of a head case? HECTOR    If you try and spit your fiendish poison at me, fiend, I shall find a way to defend myself! rose    [disgusted sigh]  I am real sick of him.  RONALD    He probably had a bad mother. ROSE    Yeah?  Well who didn't? EDMUND    The guard said I'd only be in here for a little while-- RONALD    Yeah.  Us too.  I've now been here for two months, and Rose-- ROSE    Rose Connelly, p'raps you hearda me? EDMUND    YOU'RE Rose Connelly? rose    [pleased]  Yeah.  The one and only.  My sister's got a scrapbook of clippings for me.  She can't bring them, but she tells me all about them when she visits.  RONALD    Rose's been here about three weeks.  Since her sentencing. EDMUND    And Romeo over there? ROSE    Hah!  Cute.  Two incredibly long days.  EDMUND    And...this is it? RONALD    What? EDMUND    This is what we get?  I mean, in prison they at least get some kind of exercise and stuff.  Geneva convention, and all that.  ROSE    Ah, it's just temporary.  I guess the loony bins are all booked up right now.  [giggles]  Say, maybe there's a convention in town. RONALD    Don't worry.  We get to talk to the Doc each day, regular as clockwork.  She's a sweetheart, but I bet Hector isn't making any improvements. HECTOR    [matter of fact]  Doctor?  She's the devil!  I refuse to give her the satisfaction of a single word. ROSE    [derisive]  "Doctor," hah!  She's the one that let me get myself in here.  I thought it would be real tough to fool a head shrinker, but boy was she a pushover.  Always so sympathetic.  So understanding.  She don't deserve to be a nurse, let alone a doctor.  RONALD    Funny, she testified at my trial too.  Hmm.  Guess we both got lucky. EDMUND    [absently]  Yeah.  Lucky. MUSIC   SCENE 4.  DOCTOR'S OFFICE DOCTOR Larson    Edmund, I can't help you if you refuse to cooperate.  EDMUND    [as Achilles]  I am trying my utmost, madam, but he simply refuses to converse with you. DOCTOR Larson    [not batting an eye]  Then let's you and I talk, Achilles.  You claim that the killing was-- EDMUND    [as Achilles]  Killings.  Let us be precise.  Mercy killings, actually.  [fading]  I felt so kindly‑‑ MUSIC   SCENE 5.  CELL HALLWAY SOUND    SNORING from all inmates SOUND    scritching, like a mouse trying to bore through wood EDMUND    [snores, then wakes, frightened]  Ah! ah!  What? [NOTE    LOW VOICES] RONALD    Shh.  You'll wake the neighbors. EDMUND    What was that?  But that noise - it's-- RONALD    I know.  We call him Mortimer. EDMUND    This place has mice? RONALD    We haven't seen him, so we're not sure what particular type of rodentia he is, but we sure hear him.  Particularly when it's quiet.  EDMUND    But how can I get any sleep--? RONALD    You get used to it.  We all get used to lots of things. HECTOR    [coming awake with a scream]  Aaagh!  Off me, you fiend from hell!  No! No! [goes on incoherently] ROSE    [Wakes with a whimper] [NOTE    VOICES NORMAL] EDMUND    That'll take some getting used to. RONALD    Yeah. MUSIC   SCENE 6.  DOCTOR'S OFFICE DOCTOR Larson    Edmund, why don't you tell me about your mother? EDMUND    [as Edmund]  My mother?  What - why?  My mother's fine.  She got nothing to do with this. DOCTOR Larson    Do you love your mother? EDMUND    Well, o'course.  I mean, you gotta - it's just nature, ain't it?  [trailing off with] No matter... what... she does t'you. DOCTOR LARSON    What did your mother do, Edmund?  [beat]  Edmund? EDMUND    [as Achilles]  It's no use, doctor.  He has gone into retreat. MUSIC   SCENE 7.  CELL HALLWAY SOUND    cell block door opens INMATES    [begin their various muttering] TERRANCE    This way folks.  Step lively now. SOUND    CROWD MURMURS, LOTS OF SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS HECTOR    What is this?  How dare you bring in more of THEM!  Mischief!  Mischief! ROSE    [aside, shocked, not pretending] What's a kid doing here? MOM    Tommy, now look at that - that's what crazy folks look like. KID    Gee. TERRANCE    [like a carnival barker] Not just any crazy folks, lady, these are all crazy murderers! CROWD    Ooh! TERRANCE    Each and every one of these... people... has committed the most heinous of crimes! GIRL    Wow, look at that one over there, he's kinda cute--! HECTOR    Harlot!  Harlot!  Do not approach, or I must smite thee down! GIRL    What's smite - is that bad? TERRANCE    Best to stay away from the bars.  Now, this here is Rose Connolly, known throughout the entire state-- ROSE    [seriously disturbed] Stop looking at me!  How can you--?  Get them outta here, wontcha?  TERRANCE    --For killing her husband while under the inexorable compulsion of a persecution complex. ROSE    This isn't right! GIRL    What's inexcorable - is that bad? MOM    Killing your man - now, that ain't right! RONALD    Come, come, now - leave her, she is unimportant, aha!  But I - I have a message to give unto you. MUSIC - TIME PASSES   SCENE 8.  CELL HALLWAY SOUND    CROWD WANDERS OUT, DOOR SHUTS ROSE    [Breaks down]  Oh! RONALD    How mortifying. ROSE    [sobbing]  Like animals in a zoo.  EDMUND    I'm surprised they didn't start throwing us peanuts. RONALD    I tried to get them away from you, Rose, I really did.  But big headlines trumps preaching, I guess. HECTOR    This should stand as a warning to you, woman!  You are never alone!  There is always a witness to the wicked things you do! ROSE    I have had just about enough out of you!  You-- noisy little weasel!  We girls, we're just folks just like everybody else - you have no right to-- RONALD    Rose, calm down.  Shh.  It's not going to help. EDMUND    Yeah.  For crying out loud, we've made it this far, how much worse can it get?  MUSIC   SCENE 9.  DOCTOR'S OFFICE EDMUND    [as Achilles]  It was mortifying for Edmund, Doctor.  I think he may have suffered a terrible setback. DOCTOR    Now, the tours are conducted for very good reasons. EDMUND    What, pray tell? DOCTOR    It's really not something we should be discussing, but - since you are so concerned - First, it is to show the public that this facility is on the up and up - you've certainly heard of the old fashioned "asylums" where inmates were neglected and beaten?  This way, nothing is hidden - so no abuses occur-- EDMUND    [almost breaking character]  No abuses? DOCTOR    Also, it helps to make insanity seem less frightening to the general public.  Most people have seen insanity only in movies - where it is so inevitably terribly destructive and dangerous.  This way, they see the human side of it. EDMUND    [as Achilles] I see that your intentions are admirable, but I can't help but think that a trip through the violent ward would merely reinforce the negative popular belief? DOCTOR    That's why the tour through the violent ward is only for serious students of psychology.  [fading]  You must have misunderstood. MUSIC   SCENE 10.  CELL HALLWAY SOUND    cell block door opens RONALD    And the lord said-- ROSE    Can't you make them stop staring? SOUND    footsteps, door closes inmates    [CONTINUE MURMURS] sound    cell door opens EDMUND    [Achilles]  Thank you, my good man. SOUND    cell door closes, footsteps.  then a scuffle! HECTOR    [struggling]  Give it to me!  TERRANCE    [struggling]  Leave go, you ape! HECTOR    [struggling]  I have to-- oof! [air knocked out of him] SOUND    two footsteps.  dusting off hands TERRANCE    That'll show you to tangle with me.  HECTOR    [weak]  Yes, but ... I have your gun. ROSE    [scream]  EDMUND    Stop him Ron - you're closest! SOUND    Gun shot TERRANCE    Aargh! ROSE    Oh no!  No! HECTOR    [calm and creepy] The next one is for you, Delilah!  Salome! ROSE    Me?  I didn't do anything-- [gasps] inmates    [GASP] SOUND    CLICK RONALD    Who put out the lights? HECTOR    It was the monster - Lilith, devourer of infants!  SOUND    Pssst of gas EDMUND    Do you... hear... [getting sleepy] Some...thing...? MUSIC - TIME PASSES   SCENE 11.  CELL HALLWAY EDMUND    [waking up]  Hmm?  Wha--? RONALD    [groans] ROSE    [wakes with a startled gasp] EDMUND    What happened? RONALD    At least the lights are back on. ROSE    But I don't wanna open my eyes. EDMUND    Look! RONALD    Where?  [disgust]  Oh! ROSE    Just ... just tell me, I don't wanna-- EDMUND    Better you don't look, Rose.  [muttered]  That's a lot of blood. RONALD    [muttered back]  You don't lose that much and walk away.  Too bad.  Terry was a right guy. ROSE    Blood?  Oh, no!  Hector?  Where is he?  He's going to shoot me! RONALD    Calm down, Rose.  He's gone. EDMUND    So's the guard.  There's just the... blood. SOUND    CLICK - LOUDSPEAKER ON DOCTOR Larson    [filter/loudspeaker]  We apologize for the inconvenience of using a psychotropic gas on you.  EDMUND    Gas? DOCTOR Larson    [filter]  Rest assured there will be no long-term effects.  EDMUND    That was what I heard. DOCTOR Larson    [filter]  If you are feeling groggy or your head aches, sit quietly, breath deeply, and it will pass. SOUND    CLICK - LOUDSPEAKER OFF ROSE    [breathing deeply but raggedly]  It wasn't our fault - they haveta know that!  EDMUND    It's not like we're a bunch of babes in the woods.  They may know what happened and just not care. ROSE    So just because I killed my husband, I;m gonna - I'm gonna hurt a random stranger?  That's silly. RONALD    [chuckles]  No.  Just insane, m'dear.  MUSIC   SCENE 12.  OFFICE RUDY    I don't see any way to-- EDMUND    What?  This is cruel and inhumane-- RUDY    You don't understand, Ed.  [dry]  It is Ed I'm talking to, isn't it? EDMUND    Yeah, yeah. RUDY    You are not a free citizen.  You've been consigned to DOCTOR Larson's care, and-- EDMUND    Now you don't understand, Horton.  A guard was killed last night, in our block-- RUDY    You didn't--? EDMUND    Nah, it was this loony who thinks women are all evil. RUDY    Which, of course, you don't--? EDMUND    This ain't the time for that, Rudy.  I'm talking about a murder. RUDY    There's no record of-- EDMUND    The corpse's name is Terry, Terrance, something like that.  He is - was - a guard here.  Come on, someone's gotta be doing something! RUDY    I haven't seen anything in the papers.  These state-run facilities, though-- sometimes they're like a world in themselves. EDMUND    Well get me another world. RUDY    [chuckles]  There's only ONE way to do that. EDMUND    Yes? RUDY    Admit that you're not insane... and go to the chair. MUSIC   SCENE 13.  CELL HALLWAY SOUND    cell block door opens, rose's footsteps and a heavy set of man's footsteps, slow and measured. ROSE    Can't you please stop looking at me?  I know why - I know why you're staring!  You can read my mind! SOUND    keys jingle EDMUND    [Achilles]  You are such a lovely young lady.  And so frightened.  Come to me and I shall cure you of all your fear. SOUND    door unlocks, opens rose    Stop!  Don't say things like that.  He never takes his eyes off of me, you know.  RONALD    [quietly]  And he said unto me, for I am the way-- SOUND    rose's quick footsteps, door shuts, locks. EDMUND    Hey, buddy, don't you talk? SOUND    keys jingle.  Heavy footsteps leave RONALD    Justice is ever mute. SOUND    door opens, closes INMATES    [beat] EDMUND    What's with that guy? RONALD    I hate being ignored like that. ROSE    He didn't say anything in the halls - going to the doc's office OR coming back, either.  No matter what I did. EDMUND    Did the doc say anything about the dead guard? ROSE    Not a word, even though I asked.  She just ignored the question. RONALD    She didn't ignore you completely, though? ROSE    No... But she didn't say much.  Did she talk to you at all during your appointment? RONALD    I didn't have an appointment with her this morning. EDMUND    But you were gone-- RONALD    I wasn't going to say anything, but the guard just took me out and walked me around the halls for an hour.  MUSIC   SCENE 14.  OFFICE EDMUND    I got rights, Horton! RUDY    Well, technically, no.  Actually, I could do more for you if you WERE in prison.  Once you're committed to the doctor's care, you really can't complain.  Particularly since you don't have any proof for any of your allegations-- EDMUND    Allegations?  Proof?  How's this for proof - the others will back me up! RUDY    [condescending]  Two other certified inmates?  Oh, sure.  That'll stand up in court. MUSIC   SCENE 15. EDMUND    You guys ever wonder what they did with old Hector? RONALD    Solitary confinement, I guess.  Killing a guard's pretty serious. EDMUND    [sarcastic] Oh, yeah, unlike whatever it was we did to get here. ROSE    Hey, I draw the line at killing strangers.  EDMUND    Just your husband? ROSE    Looking back, I guess it wasn't such a great idea. RONALD    You guess?  Hah! You-- EDMUND    Why'd you do it, then?  Did he push you around or something? ROSE    [snorts] Nah.  If he'd'a beaten me, I woulda had a defense in court.  Nah, it was just little things.  Like the sounds he makes when he eats - ate - and the thing with his toenails.  Us women have to put up with this kind of thing all the time, but...  It just got to me. EDMUND    It just got to you?  ROSE    Well, yeah!  RONALD    There's a reason the marriage vows say until death do we part-- ROSE    AND I wasn't going to the chair for something like that, so I started pulling the "he was out to get me" hash on my lawyer, and it worked.  More or less.  Not like this joint is anything to write home about.  RONALD    It wasn't so bad up until that guy Hector showed up.  Since then... well. EDMUND    So who'd you kill? SOUND    tinny chamber music begins to pipe in, very quietly. RONALD    I don’t think so-- EDMUND    [pushing] Go on.  Who? ROSE    Oh, leave off.  Hey, that's kind of nice. RONALD    What?  ROSE    The music. RONALD    Hmm.  And if I prefer to maintain my right to avoid self-incrimination? EDMUND    Geez.  Don't take it that way, I was just curious.  [pause]  I killed four women. ROSE    Four?  Maybe I SHOULD be worried. SOUND    MUSIC STARTS TO VERY SLOWLY GET LOUDER EDMUND    Oh, I put on a song and dance for the cops about how they needed to be killed to save them and all.  Making up a Mr. Hyde personality to take all the blame.  [beat]  Three of em were mob snitches.  ronald    So what, you're a hit man? EDMUND    I owed some money.  Shouldn't have got caught at all, seeing as how there was no connection between me and them, but the cops got something - fingerprints or something - and they tracked me down. ROSE    And ...the fourth? EDMUND    Huh?  [offhanded]  Oh, just some dame - I did her to throw off the connections and make myself look nuts.  I'd already figured on being caught - and better a whacko than a torpedo, ya know?  SOUND    MUSIC IS LOUD ENOUGH THAT THEY ARE RAISING THEIR VOICES OVER IT RONALD    You are some piece of work. EDMUND    Still casting stones, eh, preacher?  Why don't you explain how you got here--  What in the name of --- What IS that MUSIC? ROSE    It was ok... to start with... but, now--! SOUND    MUSIC REACHES A CRESCENDO, THEN CUTS OUT WITH MUSIC STING - TIME PASSES   SCENE 16.  CELL HALLWAY SOUND    door lock unlocks, door opens. RONALD    --said the offender must be plucked out! SOUND    slow footsteps EDMUND    I am so sick of this guy. ROSE    Are you taking me away?  I know you've been watching me. SOUND    rattle of large chain, stumbling footsteps victor    [growls and snaps]  sound    keys, cell door opens. ROSE    [whispered]  Ed?  Ed?  That guy - is he even human? EDMUND    [whispered]  Shh.  I dunno. ROSE    [whispered]  But he's so... so huge! SOUND    shuffling footsteps, chain rattling. RONALD    The beast!  For I have seen-- victor    [growl - lunge] SOUND    scuffle of feet, chains clang against bars. RONALD    Aah!  SOUND    scuffle away. victor    [snarling] SOUND    thunk of nightstick on flesh, rattle of chains ROSE    He didn't-- it didn't even notice!  The guard hit it and hit it--  [screaming]  Get me out of here!  Please!  Please get me out of here!  SOUND    cell door closes, locks, rattle of chains against bars EDMUND    Shh.  He's not listening anyway. ROSE    Anything!  Whatever you want!  [collapsing into sobs]  I can't take any more! SOUND    guard's footsteps, keys, cell block door unlocked ROSE    Please!  I'll admit everything!  Take me to the doctor - the lawyer - the JUDGE!  Anything! SOUND    [beat]  footsteps, keys, cell door unlocks. ROSE    [Breaking down] Oh... thank you.  Thank you...! MUSIC   SCENE 17.  OFFICE RUDY    --none of your business.  She's not my case.  Now, Ed, they can keep you locked up any way they want - with anyone they want - for as long as they want.  You're getting three squares a day, right? EDMUND    Usually.  Sometimes it comes pretty late, though.  And there's been a couple of times it's been too salty to eat. RUDY    So they have a crummy cook - place like this?  Go figure.  EDMUND    You gotta get me out of here, Rudy. RUDY    I've told you, there's no place else to put you. MUSIC   SCENE 18.  CELL HALLWAY RONALD    I think he's asleep. EDMUND    It.  Rose called it an it. RONALD    I asked the doctor about Rose.  The doc said a whole lot of nothing, but I get the impression she - Rose - has revealed all, as they say, and is heading for a short vacation in a nice clean death row cell. EDMUND    Not so bad for her.  Women get pardoned all the time, specially pretty ones.  RONALD    Yeah.  And you would know all about the pretty ones, eh? EDMUND    [remembering fondly]  They were all lookers, yeah.  RONALD    How can you sleep?  EDMUND    Don't get high and mighty moral on me, bud, you're in here too. RONALD    I was only--  It WAS a moral choice.  A decision that had to be made and no one was making it. EDMUND    Oh, so who'd you kill?  Cripples? RONALD    I ended the suffering of several decrepit-- VINCENT    [ROAR!] SOUND    chains smack against cell bars RONALD    [half choking] Let go! edmund    Nobody's got arms that--! RONALD    [gasping]  Get someone!  You gotta-- [choking] EDMUND    Hey!  Hey! over here, ugly! SOUND    rattle of chains RONALD    [gasps for breath] SOUND    thumping footsteps, rattle of chains EDMUND    Hah!  Gorilla!  Even you can't reach this far, eh?  SOUND    cell door being shaken victor    [growls] RONALD    [hoarse]  Thanks, pal. EDMUND    Don't thank me yet - I think those hinges are coming loose! SOUND    cell door BREAKS open, rattle of chains RONALD    Oh, god!  No!  Release the gas!  Someone please release the gas!!!  [choking] victor    [growls] SOUND    chains rattling against bars SOUND    tinny chamber music plays over the fight noises EDMUND    Not the music!  The gas!  He's dying, for crying out loud!  RONALD    [expiring noise] SOUND    gas MUSIC   SCENE 19.  OFFICE EDMUND    Horton, whatever I need to do, whatever I need to sign, just hand it over.  I ain't spending another night in this place. RUDY    You understand the consequences?  You won't have the slightest option of recanting again and going back to your original statement.  EDMUND    Yeah, yeah.  Anything - and I mean anything - is better than this freak show.  MUSIC   SCENE 20.  RECEPTION PARTY SOUND    glasses tinkle, drinks being poured DOCTOR Larson    I'm so glad you find my program effective, Mr. District Attorney. DISTRICT ATTORNEY    Well, I admit I had my doubts, when you first outlined it-- DOCTOR Larson    You expressed concern about the danger of physical harm to the subject?  As you now see, there is never any direct physical contact.  Thus, there can be no allegations of physical harm or coersion. ROSE    He might have come close to dying with fright, though.  [teasing]  You were quite terrifying, darling. victor    [growls jokingly, then fairly cultured voice]  After fifteen movies as monsters ROSE    And an apeman... VICTOR    [chuckles]  And one apemen, who wouldn't be? HECTOR    I'm rather glad I get to duck out early.  Murderers just [shudders] give me the creeps. TERRANCE    Hey, we're out of sham-pane.  Want me to go and get some more? HECTOR    Nah, I'll go.  Be right back!  DISTRICT ATTORNEY    It seems like a lot of effort, though, for a single confession.  A lot of manpower.  [tip of the hat]  And woman power. DOCTOR Larson    Ah, but it's valuable work on a number of levels.  We convince a murderer to confess, and we learn a great deal about the human psyche each time through the experiment. DISTRICT ATTORNEY    Each time?  How many--? ROSE    Hmm...  [thinking]  I've had the screaming meemies four times-- RONALD    And I've nearly died... oh, three, I think. DOCTOR Larson    Not all of them last as long as our good friend Edmund.  DISTRICT ATTORNEY    I'll drink to that. MUSIC CLOSER       INDIVIDUAL SPEECHES FOR THE "INMATES" FOR "ad lib" SECTIONS ROSE    I can feel them, all the time, watching everything I do - always making sure.  Always knowing.  I never get a moment alone, never a smidgen of privacy.  How can I live like this?  It's always the same - at first, they seem so nice, so different, then they turn on you, controlling you, having to know everything you do, and then they just don't let you do anything.  I couldn't even have a glass of water without getting permission. HECTOR    Sinner!  Be penitent and god may be merciful and end your despicable life - hah, raise your head in the presence of your condemnation, will you?  Created to sin, designed by Satan to tempt honest men from the path of righteousness.  Daughters of Eve, you share her taint!  You try and draw us into your web, to make us debase ourselves for your enjoyment!  Wickedness!  Temptress!  Succubus! RONALD    God moves in mysterious ways, for his decisions are inscrutable and his calling ineffable.  He has summoned me to his bidding, and I must obey.  There is no evil in ending the suffering of those that god would have called home to his presence.  He does not strike out in anger, but reaches forth to embrace his injured and damaged children, who need his solace.
10/13/202230 minutes, 13 seconds
Episode Artwork

Atomic Julie - THE FEELING by Roger D. Aycock

Might be harder to explore space than we expect.  
10/11/202215 minutes, 26 seconds
Episode Artwork

19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week: IDIOT BOX

Sometimes "reality" TV takes it one step too far.  Sometimes two steps.  Sometimes a flying leap. WARNING:  IMPLIED VIOLENCE AND TORTURE Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Announcer  - Frankenvox Alison - Beverly Poole Bart - Michael Faigenblum Carl - Mike Campbell Debbie - E. Vickery Ms. Sheldon - Sharon Delong Tanya - Tanja Milojevic Mom - Shayla Conrad-Simms Dad - Reynaud LeBoeuf Son - Eli Nilsson Fred - Joel Harvey Bob - Glen Hallstrom Helen - Helen Edwards June - Shelbi McIntyre Kathy - Kim Poole Additional Voices - Russell Gold; Julie Hoverson Music by Brian Bochicchio (Seraphic Panoply) Show theme:  Kevin MacLeod ( Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock   "What kind of a place is it? Why it's right here, right now, can't you tell?" ************************************************************************ IDIOT BOX Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] TV Announcer Alison, chipper Bart, sullen Carl, upbeat, hearty Debbie, nervous, angry underneath Ms. Sheldon, executive producer Tanya, in the sound booth Family - mom, dad, teenage son Bar - Fred, Bob, Helen Dorm - June, Kathy OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's right here, right now, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND     THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER    last week, in the record-breaking debut of The Box, we were introduced to our four contestants: ALISON    [chipper] I'm Alison, from Santa Monica.  Hi, mom! CARL    [hearty] Carl, from Atlanta - home of the Cartoon Channel!!  DEBBIE    [nervous] Debbie, from Salem.  Uh, Oregon.  [quickly] Salem Oregon. BART    [sullen] Bart, Minneapolis [disgusted sigh]. ANNOUNCER    The rules are on the screen now for all you viewers out there, to cover the formalities.  They are also available on our website at [spelled out superfast] w-w-w-dot-s-k-i-n-n-e-r-i-d-i-o-t-b-o-x-dot-com.  AMB    FAMILY LIVING ROOM SOUND    CHIPS EATEN FROM BAG ANNOUNCER    [TV] And after this brief message, we'll show you the results of last week's voting. SOUND    CLICK OF REMOTE SOUND    POPCORN POPPING IN MICROWAVE MOM    [off] You better not have turned that off, hun! SOUND    MICROWAVE DINGS DAD    Just muted.  Sick of all these ads for freaking erectile dysfunction.  If anything's going to give a guy man-trouble, it's having to watch all those damn ads. SOUND    POURING POPCORN INTO BOWL SON    Ew, dad.  T-M-I. MOM    [coming in, munching popcorn] The one I hate is that smiling guy.  His wife just looks so scared all the time.  Almost as creepy as the King. SON    Am I adopted?  Please say yes. DAD    Ooops, back on! ANNOUNCER    [TV]  Did everyone vote? MOM    I certainly did! SON    Mom?  [disgusted noise] Why? ANNOUNCER    [TV] The voting is closed, the tabulations have been made, and the scores are coming up on the screen now. MOM    [over the announcer] Why not?  I want that nice young girl - the blonde - to win.  She's very wholesome. ANNOUNCER    [TV] And it looks like today Alison has been selected!  MOM    [satisfied] There! ANNOUNCER    We have Alison in the studio now - let's see how she takes it. SOUND     LIGHT MUSIC, ON THE TV SEGUES INTO REALITY ANNOUNCER    Hello Alison!  Say hi to everyone!  ALISON    Hi!  Hi mom!  Dad! ANNOUNCER    How's the first week been treating you? ALISON    This place is great! ANNOUNCER    Throughout the show, we'll be showing some of the fun you four have been having.  Now, why don't you tell me what you think of your new friends? ALISON    Oh, wow - everyone's really great.  ANNOUNCER    Don't you find Bart a bit... isolated? ALISON    He's just self-contained.  I'm sure he's a good guy, he just doesn't open up real easily. ANNOUNCER    And Debbie? ALISON    She's shy - a lot like my sister.  Hi Vickie!! ANNOUNCER    [chuckles] That's great. ALISON    And Carl - well, he's a blast.  He's always thinking up great stuff to do. ANNOUNCER    Yesterday you had sole access to the Dairy Dan Amusement park. ALISON    Oh, man - that was awesome!  They closed the gates and we got to ride all the rides all day long - no lines, no crowds!  Woo! ANNOUNCER    You've been chosen. ALISON    Woo!  [stumbles] I - What?  What? SOUND    CONTROL BOOTH ANNOUNCER    [TV]  Please step into the box. ALISON    [TV - gasp, then steels herself]  Right.  [somewhat bitter] Thanks America. SHELDON That's the shot - tight in on 2, now 3 - yes! Keep her face centered until she shuts the door. TANYA    Got it. SHELDON Okay, keep the volume low on that. It's early yet - don't want to wear out the viewers... SOUND    [TV] ELECTRIC SHOCK NOISE, SOMEWHAT BRIEF ALISON    [TV - short scream] ANNOUNCER    [TV] We'll be right back after the break to find out what today's challenge will be. AMB    DORM ROOM JUNE    Omigod!  Omigod!  Did you see that? KATHY    [distracted] Hmm?  No but I sure heard it - did they just do what I think they did? JUNE    They just shocked the crap out of the blonde chick! KATHY    Was there actually crap? JUNE    [duh] She was in the box.  Shh.  It's coming back on. SOUND    TV TURNS UP ANNOUNCER    [TV] We'll be right back with more of The Box after these messages. SOUND    SOUND DOWN AGAIN JUNE    I hate when they do that. KATHY    Shock someone? JUNE    No, have the logo come up and make you think the show is back on. KATHY    Yeah, that's much worse. JUNE    You know what I mean!  It was totally mean that they shocked her - she's the one who got the most votes! KATHY    Isn't that what everyone was voting for? JUNE    No!  At least, I don’t think so - I mean, I thought it was voting for who would win something cool.  I ...voted for her. KATHY    You actually voted? JUNE    On the website, yeah. KATHY    Of course there's a website.  Maybe you should read the fine print. JUNE    Oh, oh!  It's back on!  Jeez, look at her poor hair! SOUND    TV UP ANNOUNCER    [TV] Back to the interview room, to hear from Alison. ANNOUNCER    [real] Before we go on, I need to point out, this is the only time you can choose to leave the show.  Are you prepared to stay? ALISON    [gulps, then quiet]  Yes.  [clears her throat, louder]  Yes.  [very shaky] That wasn't so bad. ANNOUNCER    Excellent.  Now I believe you recently graduated from college, Alison.  What did you get your degree in? AMB    BAR ALISON    [TV]  I'm a liberal arts major, with a minor in art history. FRED    So she's unemployed, eh? ANNOUNCER    [TV]  And you are engaged to be married? BOB    Too bad.  All the cute ones are taken.  Even with that weird hairdo. SOUND    TV SWITCHED TO SPORTS FRED    Hey, we were watching that! HELEN    Why?  It's awful, letting them mess with people on TV like that! FRED    [scornful] It's not real.  BOB    Course it is - it even has a website! HELEN    Puh-leez.  Lots of things have websites that aren’t real. BOB    Name one. HELEN    Pamela Anderson's boobs. FRED    She got you there, pal. BOB    C'mon - just switch it back long enough to see what today's challenge is?  Please? HELEN    Ya big softie, you. SOUND    TV CHANGES BACK ANNOUNCER    [TV] Carl, you got the second most votes this week - Do you have anything to say to the viewers at home?  Obviously you're doing something right, to get so many votes. CARL    [TV]  I think it's just my sunny personality, Bob.  People like winners, and I am a winner. AMB    LIVING ROOM SON    Weiner. MOM    Language! SON    [dismissive noise] Doesn't that dipstick know that most votes gets zapped? DAD    Maybe he doesn't - they might not tell THEM everything, either.  Makes sense.  Why else would they be so excited? SON    But that sucks!  That sucks big time!  Here they are, trying to be all cool and get people to vote for them, and they're like masterminding their own torture or something. DAD    It's just a game,  No one really gets hurt. MOM    Well, I was kind of upset that Alicia-- SON    Alison. MOM    Yes, that she got shocked.  I didn’t know that voting for her would do that.  I kind of feel bad now. SON    Well, don't vote for her next time. MOM    I certainly won't! ANNOUNCER    [on TV] Well, we've spoken to two of our four contestants, and the voting is open for the halftime winner.  Go on line now or text to-- SOUND    TV MUTES, AMB/DORM SOUND    COMPUTER KEYS KATHY    What are you doing? JUNE    Voting. KATHY    Vicious much? JUNE    No! I - I just don’t want her to have to get shocked again.  Damn!  It only lets me choose one of those two - not the other guy. KATHY    So you want to see him get shocked? JUNE    Well, no, but I like him the least. KATHY    Just cause you don't think he's cute. SOUND    ONE LAST KEY JUNE    Um, there. KATHY    So who'd you vote for? JUNE    The guy - the nice one - of course.  I like him, too, but I don't want her to get shocked again. SOUND    TV UP AGAIN ANNOUNCER    [TV] Regular text messaging fees apply.  And now‑‑ SOUND    OMINOUS MUSIC ROLLS IN ANNOUNCER    [TV, ominous] The moment in the spotlight.  Will it be Alison or Carl?  The voting closes in three minutes, so hurry up and make your vote count - if the lines are overloaded, make sure and try back - but be quick.   [normal] While we wait, let's watch some clips from the preliminary interviews with the other two contestants. MUSIC ANNOUNCER    [TV] And what are you studying? DEBBIE    [TV] I'm - um - a poli sci major. FRED    So she's gonna end up unemployed too. BOB    Whatever happened to good old trade schools? FRED    They're still around - just the trades aren't.  You seen any cobblers in the U.S. of A recently?  Nope.  It's all farmed out to Pakistan and Koala Lumper. HELEN    Lumpur. FRED    Sez you. HELEN    I can turn it off, you know. BOB    Yeah - see now Helen here's got a job that can't be farmed out - long as there's guys like us, there's always gonna be bars, eh? FRED    Until they invent a mixology robot. BOB    Hey, the lights are flashing on the screen, must be something important. SOUND    TV TURNED UP. SOUND    OMINOUS MUSIC INTENSIFIES ANNOUNCER    [TV; evil "suspense" pacing]  And the one who got the most halftime votes.  Will it be Alison, our stoic liberal arts major? JUNE    Yes, yes - come on come on!!! ANNOUNCER    [TV] Or Carl, who tutors children with learning disabilities. MOM    Oh, that's awful! SON    Awful? That he works with retarded kids? MOM    [almost a whisper] That I voted for him. ANNOUNCER    [TV] And the one who got the most votes in the 8-minute half-time poll was-- SOUND    HEAVY DRUMBEAT ANNOUNCER    [TV] Was-- SOUND    HEAVY DRUMBEAT KATHY    Look at how much she's sweating! JUNE    You'd sweat too if you just got shocked! ANNOUNCER    [TV] is -Carl! JUNE    Whew! KATHY    Shh.  Let's see what happens. ANNOUNCER    [TV] This means that at the end of tonight's show, Carl will be up against the second half winner in a showdown to see who gets a million dollars sent to the charity of their choice. HELEN    Waitaminute - she gets shocked and he gets a chance to win big bucks?  That's so not fair! FRED    That's the way it is.  Women always getting the short stick. HELEN    Especially when they’re dating you, eh? BOB    [laughs, tried to stop] FRED    Yeah, yeah - you can joke now, but I'll give you 70-30 odds that the other winner is that other guy. BOB    The grouch? FRED    Yup.  Is it a bet? BOB    Fifty bucks? FRED    Whoah, whoah!  Let's not get carried away here, now. MUSIC - OPENING THEME, PLAYS FOR A MOMENT ANNOUNCER    Entering week five of The Box, you can see the ratings posted for our four contenders.  [hushed] Last week, it looked as though Debbie had finally broken-- DEBBIE    [TV] I hate it!  I hate you all! You can all just go and-- SOUND    LONG SERIES OF BLEEPED WORDS SOUND    ZAPPING AND SCREAMING UNDER NEXT LINE ANNOUNCER    But after her trip to the box, she refused to cry off. DEBBIE    [TV] [breathing heavily and gulping] No [gasp] way! [gasp]  You don't [gasp] get rid of me [long shaky breath] that easily. [sob] ANNOUNCER    And now, a new week - and what was this week's challenge? STUDIO AUDIENCE Fasting! ANNOUNCER    Yes, fasting.  Whoever could go the longest without eating even a single bite of food got a free pass this week‑‑ ANNOUNCER    [TV] --and we'll find out who managed that in just a moment - after a few words from our sponsors. SOUND    CLICK, SOUND OFF JUNE    [urging] C'mon Debbie! KATHY    Debbie?  Hah.  She's got no body fat to start with.  Bart has a much better chance of surviving-- JUNE    Don't say that!  You just like him cause you know I don't! KATHY    I root for the underdog.  It's a principal. And no one likes that poor bastard. JUNE    If no one likes him, how come Debbie's the one always getting shocked, huh?  [almost a sob] Huh? ANNOUNCER    [TV]  Let's bring our four contestants out on stage to hear who's going to be free and clear for another week.  Alison-- SOUND    MUSIC UP, DOOR OPENS, SHAKY FOOTSTEPS ANNOUNCER    [real] Alison, how are you feeling? ALISON    [trying to be perky] Not too bad.  I made it almost three whole days on nothing but water.  ANNOUNCER    But then you lost it? ALISON    [heavy sigh] Yeah, I had to give in and get something.  [resigned] I figured fine - just put me in the box.  At least that eventually ends.  ANNOUNCER    Thank you, Alison.  Now go over to the isolation booth while we talk with each of your friends. ALISON    [venomous] Friends?  Hah! ANNOUNCER    [TV, confidential] She needs to learn to be careful about trading today's pain for tomorrow's - what she doesn't know is we've [ramping up] turned the voltage up another notch! AUDIENCE    [TV, CHEERS] HELEN    This just keeps getting worse.  It has to be against the law. BOB    Oh, come on.  They signed waivers, didn't they?  Plus, it's all fake - like wrestling.  Seriously.  Even if they did do this stuff, they have to have doctors and all on staff - make sure no one really gets hurt. SOUND    UNWRAPPING AND OPENING A FORTUNE COOKIE FRED    Hey, listen to this - "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." BOB    Figures the Chinese would think of that first. FRED    Nah.  The Chinese didn't make that up. HELEN    Then who did say it? FRED    [immediate] Thomas Jefferson. BOB    I don't think so. FRED    Yeah?  And who do you think it was? BOB    Some Greek philosopher or other.  [idea] Julius Caesar! HELEN    You guys make your bet, I'll call Jonesy on the next commercial and he can google it. SOUND    TV TURNS UP ANNOUNCER    [TV]  So Bart, you made it the longest without eating - you have any special tips for the viewers out there on how you did it? BART    [real] Huh? ANNOUNCER    Any tips?  We'll give you a minute - these moments of uncertainty are just further proof that our show is live and unedited.  While Bart ponders this, I'll recap - Alison gave into her craven need for food first, followed by Carl and Debbie - in a virtual photo finish, where Debbie held out for one millisecond longer than Carl.  Good going Debbie! BART    I hate you. ANNOUNCER    Hmm?  What's that? BART    I hate you and all you stand for.  ANNOUNCER    Do I hear an opt-out coming?  For those of you just tuning in, during this episode and this episode alone, any of our four contestants can opt out at any time - not just immediately following a trip into the Box.  So Bart, are you-- SOUND    A BEEP TRIES TO CUT HIM OFF ON THE FIRST WORD BART    Fuck you!  You can't get rid of me that easily.  BART    [TV] I don't care how many times you drug me and try to get me to bow down to the corporate machine!  You and all you people at home - you are sadistic bastards, but I'm here for the long haul - And when I finish, whether I win or not, I will be traveling around the country demanding the pound of flesh each and every one of you bastards owe me!!! KATHY    For god's sake, turn it off. JUNE    No, he's making a valid point.  We shouldn't be party to this. KATHY    The very act of watching it validates it. JUNE    No.  I'm only doing this to bear witness. KATHY    The advertisers don't care.  They just want to you to watch. JUNE    Well, I won't vote any more. KATHY    Then you can't complain when your favorite gets zapped. JUNE    [upset] Oh hell! ANNOUNCER    [TV]  Well, that was very enlightening.  Before you out there start emailing and phoning - please refer to clause 42 slash 8 slash F, subsection I-I-I, paragraph y, where it sets out the game's rules covering mental illness or defect.  Thank you, and good night! SOUND    TV TURNED OFF HELEN    Anyone checked out the big pools? FRED    What do you mean? HELEN    There's huge bets all over the place - everyone guessing who's gonna last the longest. BOB    Well, no one's washed out yet. FRED    They're a tough bunch of kids, but I bet I could make it on that show.  Age does bring wisdom. BOB    To who? FRED    You're too young to remember this, but I was a P-O-W in nam [rhymes with "ham"].  I been through it all.  Torture, deprivation, brain washing. HELEN    They sure got yours squeaky clean. SOUND    DRINKS WHOLE BEER DOWN. BOB    Ahhh. MUSIC    ANNOUNCER    This week, week 9 of The Box, we might just lose a second contestant.  ANNOUNCER     [TV] Alison, you've spent three days in this jacuzzi - brought to us courtesy of Big Joe's cut-rate pools and spas.  Now, people might think this was fun, but of course, you can't fall asleep or you might drown!  ALISON    [TV, parched, delirious]  You suck, Bob. FRED    Friend of yours? BOB    You wish. ALISON     [TV]  Get me out. ANNOUNCER    [TV] You do know that whomever leaves their jacuzzi first goes directly into the box? ALISON     [TV] No!  I want out!  OUT!  I can't - you can't make me stay here! JUNE    They can't, can they? KATHY     How much you wanna bet she signed something that says they can? JUNE    That's illegal! KATHY    Being stupid and greedy?  Nah.  They'd run out of prisons.  Unless you subscribe to the idea that our whole world is a prison. JUNE    [very upset] Don't talk like that - look at that poor girl!  They're just dragging her across the stage! KATHY    Wow.  I wouldn't'a thought it would take three guys to handle her, after all the crap she's been through. ALISON    [TV - screaming weakly and struggling] ANNOUNCER    [TV] It is understood, under the rules, that the clemency episode has run out and, once again, the only time you can opt out is right after a session in the box-- SON    If she's all wet, wouldn't that make the shock worse? DAD    At least her hair doesn't end up all weird since they shaved her head after that challenge last week-- SON    Three weeks ago. DAD    Really?  Anyway, they probably compensate somehow. MOM    Are you sure? DAD    [unsure] Well... They can't really hurt her - that would be... ANNOUNCER    [TV]     Oh, and - I've just got a word from the producer!  We've got a three minute vote - so grab your phones!  ANNOUNCER    [real] Now this will cost one dollar per vote, so make yours count!  Dial the studio number and hit 1 if you want us to let Allison forfeit and leave now, push 2 if you think we should hold her to the rules.  And voting opens [beat, then TV] Now! SHELDON Start the positive counter. TANYA    On it.  Running. NARRATOR     [TV] The positive votes will tally right here on the corner of the screen, and if, after the vote closes, there are more positive than negative votes, Alison will  immediately leave the studio - damper but wiser... BOB    Man, I wish I was in Vegas. FRED    Nah - you know what's going to happen.  The odd's'll be crap. HELEN    Course.  They'll let her go. FRED    You gotta lotta faith in people, babe.  Nah.  I'll give you 10 to 1 she's gonna ride the lightning. BOB     [incredulous] "Ride the lightning?" FRED    You know - old sparky. The electric chair?  Man where have you been? BOB    Considering no one's been executed in an electric chair in this state for - um - help me out Helen-- HELEN    50 years. BOB    50 years. FRED    Really? HELEN    How the hell'm I supposed to know? BOB    Well, whatever - a long time.  HELEN    Actually, I think this state always hanged people. FRED    Hung. BOB    The countdown! 5 - 4 - JUNE    3-2- MOM    [almost breathless] One. ANNOUNCER    [TV]  All votes are in, and as you can see, we had a regular landslide of support for our dear friend Allison here.  we have 4 million six hundred seventy two thousand, three hundred and forty-two votes for clemency.  Good for you everyone!  We'll show the other side, right after this-- SOUND    TV OFF DAD    No way! MOM    You can't    ! SON    I won't watch any more of this.  This is brutal. MOM    [angry] Don't you dare!  How can we not ... find out? SON    No. MOM    Just until they announce it - we don't have to watch ...if she... SON    Gets it? SOUND    REMOTE THROWN ONTO TABLE SON    You do what you want.  I'll be in the garage. SOUND    [after a moment] TV CLICKS ON COMMERCIAL    [something] KATHY    I bet the commercials for this cost top dollar.  Like superbowl ads. JUNE    How can you just be so snarky - that girl could die! KATHY    Nah.  They can't do that.  It would be illegal. JUNE    Not normally, but remember when that guy had a stroke on "Danger Island" last year?  The family sued, but the waiver made it perfectly legit.  KATHY    And that wasn't even that exciting. ANNOUNCER    [on TV]  For those just tuning in, we have perky little Allison in the Box, awaiting your verdict.  [continues under] Does she take the next shock, or have you tipped toward clemency for this poor girl? SHELDON Give them the split picture. TANYA    Before and after? SHELDON Uh-huh. [grim] Show them what they did. ANNOUNCER    [on TV] The negative votes have been tallied.  SOUND    DRUM ROLL, OMINOUS MUSIC ANNOUNCER    [ON TV] And we had 4 million six hundred seventy two thousand, three hundred and forty-two votes to let her go.  BOB    I'm still saying they'll let her off.  FRED    Nope.  You already lost that twenty, pal. HELEN    Shh! ANNOUNCER    [TV] The negative count is seven million three hundred-- SOUND    TV OFF KATHY    Did you vote? JUNE    Yes.  [beat]  Twenty times. KATHY    [shrug] You can't beat the bastards. JUNE    But if everyone just voted a few more times... KATHY    Three million more times. JUNE    How can people be so horrible? SOUND    [NEXT DOOR TV] SCREAMING PEOPLE    [laughing] SOUND    POUNDING ON WALL JUNE    [yelling at them] How can you be so horrible?? KATHY    They're drunk.  Didn't you see the sign? JUNE    [half a sob] Sign? KATHY    The one that said "come to gary's room, get drunk and watch The Box"? JUNE    [down] No. KATHY    Look, turn it on.  You'll see she's not dead or anything, then you'll feel better. JUNE    But what if she's not?  I mean, what if she is?  I mean-- KATHY    [sigh] Then you'll know. SOUND    [beat, then] TV TURNS ON SOUND    [on TV] AMBULANCE SIRENS JUNE    [sob] MOM    [sob] Her poor parents! DAD    Don't worry so much - she's not dead. MOM    She was for 43 seconds. DAD    That doesn't even count these days - happens all the time on House. MOM    [very upset] But this is real! SOUND    [on tv] MUSIC UP ANNOUNCER    [tv]  And we'll be checking in with Allison as soon as she regains consciousness to confirm her wish to opt out.  For now, the game comes down to Bart and Carl.  ANNOUNCER    Don't forget - no matter what happens, the game's big final episode is in two weeks.  SOUND    CAMERA OFF SHELDON Nicely done. ANNOUNCER    It's really wearing me thin. SHELDON Almost over. And after today's vote, there's no way the station can afford to cancel us. ANNOUNCER    [sigh, then grudging] Two more shows.  SHELDON [with meaning] And then we announce the results. MUSIC - OPENING THEME, PLAYS FOR A MOMENT AMB     NOISY BAR BOB    [ordering] Another one. FRED    Packed tonight. SOUND    DRINK SET DOWN HELEN    It's the finale. FRED    [tired] Oh, yeah.  That. BOB    Bottom's up! HELEN    Slow down, or I'm gonna have to pour you into a cab. SOUND    CAR KEYS SLAPPED ONTO THE BAR, SCOOPED UP SOUND    GLASS SET DOWN HARD BOB    Ahhh. CROWD    ROAR OF EXCITEMENT HELEN    Hold on!  I'll get it. SOUND    TV SOUND UP MUSIC    FANFARE ANNOUNCER    It's the night we've all been waiting for.  The night the final results are announced.  And we will have an ultimate winner.  Let's recap what the winner will walk away with.  SOUND    VOLUME DOWN SOUND    DOOR OPENS KATHY    Oh, you're not watching that, are you?  [sneer] I thought you decided it wasn't worth it! JUNE    [shell shocked] I can't not watch!  I have to know! KATHY    Look, let's go to the library or something. JUNE    No!  I would die of suspense! KATHY    It's not-- SOUND    TV VOLUME COMES UP KATHY    [sigh] I'm not staying. SOUND    DOOR CLOSES ANNOUNCER    And the contest comes down to our two finalists, Bart and Carl.  They have endured amazing hardship to make it this far.  Do you have anything you want to say to the people at home, Bart? BART    You still suck and you always will.  Every single one of you!  Every person who just sits by and supports this shit! ANNOUNCER    [still jovial]  And yet, you have continued to play our sick little games - as you call them - despite being offered chance after chance to leave. BART    Hah!  I don't plan to fucking let you win, you scumbags! ANNOUNCER    Well said.  And you, Carl, do you have anything for the audience? CARL    [mumbles] ANNOUNCER    Speak up? CARL    [vague, reciting] We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.  Sitting by lone sea-- lone sea....  the sea.  The sea.  See see oh playmate, come out and play with me.... [fades out] ANNOUNCER    There you have it, folks.  And now we go to our man in the street interviewer, Tanya.  Take it away! TANYA    Thank you.  I'm in a major metropolitan center here, asking people on the street what they think of the Box. ANNOUNCER    If they're outside right now, instead of glued to their sets, they must not think much of it. BOTH    [fake laugh] SOUND    TV OFF SOUND    EATING MOM    What?  Don't you dare! DAD    Hey, we were watching that! SON    Are you enjoying this? MOM    Enjoying? DAD    What do you mean? SON    All this shit they've put those people through!  You can barely tell them apart now, after they’ve been starved and had their heads shaved.  They look like concentration camp victims! MOM    But - but this is the last show! DAD    What does it matter if we watch or don't watch? SOUND    THROWING DOWN A REMOTE SON    Do what you want.  I'll just hope for a six-car pileup.  Maybe you'll trade up. SOUND    DOOR OPENS AND SHUT SOUND    REMOTE TAKEN, TV ON ANNOUNCER    And for tonight, the big surprise is-- SOUND    DRUM ROLL, OMINOUS MUSIC ANNOUNCER    Two boxes! SOUND    CANNED CHEERING ANNOUNCER    One for each of you.  While we get them all set, here's a word from our sponsor! AMB    BAR CROWD    Buzzing "two boxes?" BOB    [slurry] Whaddaya think they've got up their shleeves? FRED    They're gonna kill one of those boys. HELEN    [confidential] I heard that girl Allison is in a private clinic, barely alive. FRED    Where'd you--? HELEN    Internet.  BOB    [sarcastic]  Yeah.  Then it's probably true. SOMEONE    Turn it up! HELEN    Got it! SOUND    TV UP ANNOUNCER    And now.  The moment of truth!  All the votes have been tallied.  As you can see, we have Bart over here in the red box-- SOUND    CANNED APPLAUSE ANNOUNCER    [tv] --and Carl over there in the blue. SHELDON close up on Bart, camera 2. Yeah, baby, clench that jaw.  Now cut to that trickle of sweat on Carl's face.  Nice. TANYA    Back to the announcer? SHELDON One more second, and - yes! ANNOUNCER    [tv] And now, with the votes tallied, we will find out who you out there have selected as the big winner, and who has to take the big penalty.  ANNOUNCER    [real] But first, we caught each of our contestants here on secret camera last night.  Let's see what they were doing on the penultimate night. SOUND    QUICK JAB OF STATIC VOICE    [tv] ...need to get out now.  You don't understand what they have planned for tomorrow.  It's so much worse! AMB    BAR BOB    Who the hell izzat? BART    [TV] [scoff] Worse?  Worse how? HELEN    Don't know.  FRED    Look at that announcer fellow - he's surprised too.  HELEN    [half a chuckle]  Serves him right. ANNOUNCER    [tv] Sorry - we should have screened that clip before playing it.  Let's go over to Carl's shot. CARL    [tv] Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall--[cuts out suddenly] ANNOUNCER    [tv] And that's all the time we have for that.  And now the moment of truth.  Carl or Bart?  You held their fate in your hands. SOUND    COMMERCIAL COMES ON UNDER MOM    [coming in]  Where's Kyle?  Have you seen Kyle? DAD    [mesmerized]  He'll be back.  Just ... went out to a friend's house.  Probably. MOM    You should turn that off and find him! DAD    We can look in ten minutes just as easily as we can look now! MOM    This is our son! DAD    It's almost over! SOUND    OMINOUS MUSIC ON TV ANNOUNCER    [tv] And now.  The final countdown. MOM    Five minutes. SOUND    SHE SITS ANNOUNCER     [tv]  This has been quite a journey for everyone - and we would like to thank you all for your support and participation. BOB    Support?  I'd shoot that stupid bastard if I had a chance.  And a gun. HELEN    You're not the only one, but a lot of people paid a lot of money into that damn show. ANNOUNCER    [tv] --making us the highest rated network series ever-- FRED    yeah, and even WE count for ratings, since we happen to be watching it. BOB    [steaming into an alcoholic rage] Then let's not watch it! SOUND    SLAMS GLASS ON BAR, LIQUID SLOSHES FRED    Calm down, pal. BOB    No! Is this what our world has come to?  This crap?? SOUND    THROWS BEER GLASS AT TV, TV DIES, BUT OTHER SET PLAYS ON IN THE BACKGROUND CROWD    [Shocked silence] FRED    Great, one down, only seven hundred million TV sets to go. HELEN    I'll put it on your tab. CROWD     [chatter begins again] ANNOUNCER    [tv] --will definitely be returning for a second season, starting next fall-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS ANNOUNCER    [tv] --and we're looking at celebrity contestants.  TANYA    [tv]  That will be a whole new ballgame. KATHY    Sorry, didn't know it was still on. JUNE    [distraught] Stay.  Please. KATHY    Ugh.  Why? JUNE    Because I don't think I'll make it otherwise. KATHY    Make what? ANNOUNCER    [tv] And now for the final outcome.  MOM    Yes? DAD    About time. ANNOUNCER    [tv]  the final results. FRED    Don't call the police.  I'll get him home. HELEN    Yeah.  This time. ANNOUNCER    [tv] What we've all been working toward. JUNE    [crying] Can't they just say it? TV, MUSIC SWELLS, THEN CUTS OUT SUDDENLY JUNE    What? HELEN    Shit, must have blown the circuit. DAD    The electricity's still on! KATHY    Is there something wrong with your TV? MOM    No!  It's practically new! FRED    Come on.  Quitting time, pal. SOUND    TEST PATTERN NOISE, THEN MUSIC SUDDENLY CUTS BACK IN ANNOUNCER    Thank you all for participating in our experiment.  MOM    [gasp] ANNOUNCER    As you can see, all of our actors are in perfect health. JUNE    [sob]  How could they--? KATHY    Bastards. ANNOUNCER    We would love to hear your reactions to this show.  Please feel free to leave us a message at www-dot- SOUND    TV SWITCHES OFF HELEN     [last call voice] Allright.  That's it. CLOSER   [NOTE:  George Santayana, author of the quote.]
10/6/202230 minutes, 37 seconds
Episode Artwork

19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue episode of the week: LOUP NOIR

MATURE THEMES AND VIOLENCE When a drifter wanders into a small town - things may get a little... hairy. Written by Julie Hoverson Cast List Marjorie Baines - Violet Crestley Lou Garreau - Reynaud LeBoeuf Edith Baines - Eleice Krawiec Dennis Cooperman - David Collins-Rivera (Lostinbronx) Skitch - Justin Grubbs Children - Katy and Athena Music by Thomas Cusack / [Leafy Lane Productions] Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson and Justin Charles [1st Draft Productions] Cover Design: Charles Austin Miller "What kind of a place is it? Why it's small town in wartime in the middle of the last century, can't you tell?" ******************************************************************** Loup Noir Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Lou Garreau, forlorn drifter MARJORIE Baines, precocious teen Edith Baines, mom Skitch, thug Officer Dennis Cooperman, Mom’s old flame   OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a small town street, during world war two, can't you tell?  MUSIC AMB    BIRDS, PUSH LAWNMOWER, DISTANT RADIO MARJORIE    [reading, in a gruff voice] How can you have no pity for me, oh my Beauty?  [high voice]  But it is my father!  He is dying!-- LOU    [clears his throat]  I'm sorry to-- CHILDREN    [surprised noises] MARJORIE    Oh!  [to a child] Here, hold the place in the book.  SOUND    GETS TO HER FEET MARJORIE    Do you need some help, mister? LOU    Uh.  I'm looking for a Mr. Baines? MARJORIE    Father?  He's not here right now. LOU    [deeply disappointed] Oh.  Will he be back soon? MARJORIE    [sadly]  He's... been dead for three years.  LOU    [resigned]  Oh.  You wouldn’t happen to have a brother, would you? MARJORIE    James.  Yes.  Why? LOU    Is HE around? MARJORIE    Overseas.  Marines  There's no way to know when he'll be back. LOU    [heavy sigh]  Thanks. SOUND    STARTS TO WALK AWAY MARJORIE    Were you a friend of father's? LOU    [rueful laugh, low]  We've never met.  [up]  Where's the cheapest place to stay around here? MUSIC AMB    GARAGE SOUND    LIGHTBULB CHAIN CLICKS ON, DANCES LOU    [groan of pain and waking] DENNIS    [whispered] Are you ready to talk yet? LOU    [mumbled]  Talk about what? DENNIS    Talk about what you are.  LOU    What am I? DENNIS    [hissed] You’re a monster. SOUND    SLAP MUSIC AMB    PARK SOUND    PAPER FOLDING MARJORIE    [coming on]  Oh, hello!  Sorry, I never got your name. SOUND    PAPER CRUMPLES LOU    Lewis.  Lewis Garreau [gah-ROH].  Lou.  And you're a miss Baines? MARJORIE    Marjorie.  Why were you looking for my dad?  Did he owe you money? LOU    [taken aback] I-um-- No. It's --private. MARJORIE    You don't have to treat me like some kind of kid.  I'm almost old enough to drive. LOU    [quiet rueful laugh] MARJORIE    What's that you made?  A bird? SOUND    PAPER LOU    It's a crane. MARJORIE    Hmm.  Nice.  But mister, your crane - it ain't got no legs. LOU    It's flying. MARJORIE    Can't fly forever. LOU    I suppose that depends on whether there's a good place to land.  MARJORIE    Minds me.  Did you find a place to land? LOU    Miss Mason was full up. MARJORIE    What're you gonna do, then? LOU    Move along.  Sleep in the park.  Done both often enough. MARJORIE    Must be nice to sleep out under the stars. LOU    [strange] And the moon. MARJORIE    Not much of a moon tonight.  [looking up] Is it just me or is it sort of strange when it does that - hanging like a big old smile in the middle of the bright blue sky? LOU    There's plenty of strange things about the moon.  [sigh] Run along home, kid. Don’t you know better than to talk to strange men? MARJORIE    Hmph.  If you're going to be that way-- LOU    I am. MARJORIE    [angry] Hmph. SOUND    STORMS OFF, WALKING ON LEAVES MUSIC AMB    GARAGE SOUND    SLAP DENNIS    Just own up to it.  LOU    [resigned but in pain] To what? DENNIS    What you did to that kid. LOU    What kid? DENNIS    You were there when we found the body, you bastard. LOU    oh... SOUND    SLAP MUSIC AMB    PARK MARJORIE    [muttering, huffy] Treating me like I'm some sort of child.  Who does he think he-- SOUND    RUSTLE IN THE BUSHES MARJORIE    [gasp] SOUND    SHE STOPS, THEN STARTS TO RUN SOUND    RUSTLE, THUMP AS SHE RUNS INTO SOMEONE MARJORIE    [gasp] SKITCH    Hey Marjie.  Need someone to walk you home? MARJORIE    Let go of me, Skitch! SKITCH    What if I don't wanna?  Maybe I need someone to lean on. MARJORIE    You just want to push me over! SKITCH    Don't knock it til you try it. MARJORIE    [trying to sound tough]  Let go, or I'll-- SOUND    A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN THUMP AGAINST A TREE MARJORIE    [gasp] SKITCH    You will, will you?  Tell you what, give me a kiss and I might let you go. MARJORIE    Kiss?  You??  I'd rather kiss a dog. SKITCH    Oh, you like dogs, do you?  Dog-style's fine with me--  [starts panting like a dog] SOUND    RUSTLE, BODY FALL MARJORIE    [starts to scream, muffled] SOUND    STRUGGLE LOU    Get off her, you punk! SKITCH    Find your own rabbit, grampa.  MARJORIE    [still struggling] LOU    [almost a growl]  Take a hike! SOUND    SKITCH GETS UP, MARJORIE RUNS AWAY SKITCH    [incredulous] You wanna rumble?  [laughs]  I only fight guys my own age. LOU    [still growly] Why?  Scared? SKITCH    [a little uncertain now] No!  [conciliatory] Look, pops, it was just a bit of fun.  No harm done. LOU    A little late to apologize.  [Yah! noise as he throws a punch] SOUND    FIGHT BEGINS, FADES INTO MUSIC AMB    GARAGE SOUND    SLAP DENNIS    How does it feel to crush the life out of someone? LOU    [uncertain] I...I didn’t. DENNIS    And who else could it'a been?  You ride into town and just by coincidence, something horrible like this happens?  No sale, bub. LOU    [moan] DENNIS    That nose looks bad.  Gonna need to be set. LOU    It doesn’t matter. DENNIS    Here.  I’ll straighten it. SOUND    JUICY CRACKING NOISE LOU    [howl of agony] MUSIC AMB     PARK LOU    Ouch!  [hiss of pain] SOUND    FEET ON LEAVES APPROACH SLOWLY LOU    Go away. MARJORIE    No.  You need a handkerchief or something?  I studied first aid last year. LOU    I'm fine. MARJORIE    [insisting] Here. Did he bite you?  [joking] You gotta watch out, that dingbat's got rabies. LOU    [low, bitter laugh]  It's nothing. MARJORIE    Why were you looking for my father?  LOU    I - I promised to bring him a message. MARJORIE    Maybe my mom--? LOU    No, no... I'll just move along.  Maybe when your brother comes home. MARJORIE    Oh, come on-- EDITH    [off] Marjie?  Marjie? MARJORIE    [triumph] Too late!  [up] Over here!  [back to him] Come on.  If nothing else, you'll get dinner out of it. EDITH    [coming in]  Marjie?  What are you doing?  [a little wary]  Who's this? MARJORIE    This is Lou, mother.  He chased off Skitch. MUSIC AMB    GARAGE DENNIS    Noses bleed like a sonofabitch, don’t they?  [sniffs at his bloody hand, disgusted noise] LOU    [juicy sniff of pain] DENNIS    [backs off a bit]  Think those ropes will hold you there for a while?  I spose I might have some chains somewhere. LOU    [sniff again]  Why? DENNIS    [harsh]  Because I know what you are. MUSIC AMB    DINNER EDITH    Since you’re the guest, Lou, would you like to say grace? LOU    [uncomfortable mumble] I’m not used to being so formal, Mrs. Baines. EDITH    Edith. MARJORIE    Oh, I’m sure you’ll do it just fine. EDITH    "Very well." MARJORIE    Huh? EDITH    “Just fine” isn’t proper English, Miss Marjorie Baines. MARJORIE    Sorry, mother. LOU    [murmurs something quickly] Amen. EDITH    [consternation] oh! Amen. MARJORIE    [satisfied] Amen. SOUND    A MOMENT OF SERVING, EATING EDITH    We’re not really used to having company, Lou.  Will it bother you if we talk at the table? LOU    [bewildered] uh - No? EDITH    Thank you.  [serious]  Marjie, what was that you were saying about Scottie? MARJIE    [sigh, rolls eyes]  Skitch, mother.  He stopped answering to Scottie simply ages ago. EDITH    You said Lou ... [trying not to sound too worried] chased him off? MARJIE    [losing her bravado]  Yeah.  He was being ... pushy again. LOU    I – I don’t think he’s likely to bother you again any time soon. MARJIE    Oh?  Did you wallop him good? EDITH    Good gracious, Marjie, sometimes I simply do not know what to say about your treatment of the English language! MUSIC AMB     GARAGE DENNIS    You think the police don’t notice when an – an animal like you creeps into town and right off bad things start to happen? LOU    The bad things were here before I was.  Nothing you do’s gonna change that. DENNIS    Shut UP! SOUND    SLAP LOU    [Ung] DENNIS    Don’t go passing out on me, now.  [beat] You still in there? LOU    [gurgle] DENNIS    [mock sympathy] Yeah.  I know.  We’ll think of something to make this better. LOU    [gurgling whisper] Don’t... don’t kill me. DENNIS    Now why would I want to kill you?  I want something from you. LOU    [suspicious] What? MUSIC AMB     DINNER EDITH    So, Lou, tell us something about yourself. LOU    Not much to tell.  Been ... wandering.  MARJORIE    "Looking for", or "looking away"? EDITH    Marjie! MARJORIE    It’s from a song, mother.  It’s poetical. LOU    A little of both, I guess.  Ain’t no one makes it to ...where I am... without a few regrets. EDITH    Have you ever thought about setting down some roots?  LOU    Nah.  [uncomfortable mumble] Ain’t no place would have me. EDITH    What's so terrible about you? MUSIC AMB     GARAGE DENNIS    See, I want to understand.  To know what makes you tick, ya freak.  LOU    You couldn't understand.  Not in a million years. DENNIS    Well, we don't got a million years.  Just a couple of hours til night falls, eh? LOU    Why do you--?  [disgusted noise, realizing]  You know?  No!  You want it!  [horrified laughter] You think it would be fun! DENNIS    I think it would be... useful. MUSIC AMB    CRICKETS and FROGS, OUTSIDE EDITH    I hope you don't mind, Lou.  I don't really have any place to put you inside.  But it's a fine night, and Rolf's hammock is very comfortable, and the back yard is-- LOU    [uncomfortable whisper] I'm very grateful. EDITH    Here's some blankets.  Even a fine night can get chilly. LOU    Thanks. EDITH    [hesitant pause, then] Marjorie said-- said you were looking for Rolf? LOU    Your husband?  Yes. EDITH    Why? LOU    [sigh]  Someone way back in my family did something to someone in his family, so we owed him.  [quickly explaining] It's not money - I mean, look at me.  EDITH    Oh.  No, I didn't think--  I was just wondering if maybe you knew him.  [nervous now]  I should get inside,  Make sure Marjorie's all ready for bed.  SOUND    A FEW STEPS, CREAK OF HAMMOCK ROPES EDITH    [off] Goodnight. LOU    Night.  [sigh] MUSIC AMB    OUTSIDE, NIGHT LOU    [muttering, grunting, in the throes of a nightmare] SOUND    DISTANT FRANTIC WHINNY OF A HORSE SOUND    WOLF HOWLS, VASTLY DISTORTED AND DISTANT SOUND    HUNTING DOGS SOUND    HEAVY BREATHING, UP CLOSE SOUND    GUN SHOTS MUSIC AMB    [morning birds sneak in] MARJORIE     [voice blurring into dream]  Lou!  Wake up! LOU    [waking with a roar, which turns into a noise of surprise as he falls out of the hammock]  [then, muffled] Ouch. MARJORIE    [stifling a laugh]  Sorry!  You were having a nightmare.  I thought it would be better to wake you up. LOU    [still muffled] Sorry.  [getting up]  I didn't hurt you, did I? EDITH    [off]  Everything all right? MARJORIE    [walking off, still grinning] He's not used to a hammock. Woke up on the wrong side of the bed. LOU    [slight chuckle] SOUND    DOG NEARBY STARTS TO BARK, WON'T STOP EDITH    [from off]  Come on in, I've got breakfast on!  I wonder what's got into Rufus? MUSIC AMB    GARAGE DENNIS    So how does it ... work? LOU    It doesn't. DENNIS    [calmly reasonable] I could probably break your nose a few more times. LOU    It's never going to happen. DENNIS    I'll get it out of you, even if I have to bite you. MUSIC AMB    PARK SOUND    WALKING MARJORIE    Thanks for walking me.  Skitch has been ... weird recently. LOU    Weird? MARJORIE    [heavy sigh]  Creepy.  Grabby.  LOU    You sure you don't want your mother to talk to his folks? MARJORIE    I don't want to get him in trouble.  [quiet] His dad beats him up bad.  Scottie used to be okay.  Almost a friend.  Now he's - [firm] now he's just a creep. LOU    Nice is one thing, but you gotta look out for yourself. MARJORIE    Yeah.  [long moment of silence as they walk] What was it you wanted to talk to my dad about? LOU    Just something from way back.  Something about his family.  [painful lie] Nothing that ... can't ... wait. MARJORIE    Is it something about werewolves? LOU    [taken completely by surprise] uh-- what? MARJORIE    I only ask cuz papa always talked about great granpapa and the old country.  And how he used to be a big hunter. LOU    [trying to sound disbelieving] Of... werewolves? MARJORIE    That's what he always said.  MUSIC AMB    GARAGE DENNIS    So.  How does it work? LOU    You'd have to kill me to find out. DENNIS    Let's save that for later. LOU    What time is it? DENNIS    Couple of hours yet.  That is, if you're waiting for ...dark. LOU    I got nothing to look forward to. DENNIS    Why did you come here, to this town, anyway? MUSIC AMB     PARK LOU    [doubtful] Your hunts werewolves? MARJORIE    Well, not nowadays.  I don't think there's any werewolves left.  No place left to hide in the modern world. LOU    [down] Yeah. MARJORIE    Sides, doesn’t take a great hunter to kill stuff any more.  [beat] Now that we have grenades. LOU    [snort of laughter] MARJORIE    Hey, you can laugh!  I thought maybe that was broken. LOU    Just on the fritz. SOUND     HE STOPS. SHE STOPS MARJORIE    [laughing] what? [serious]  what? LOU    Don't ignore this Skitch kid.  Seriously. MARJORIE    Well I wouldn't say I IGNORE him-- LOU    I can see you want to be kind, but what about the next girl? MARJORIE    Next? LOU    You think you're really the only one? MARJORIE    B-but Scotty-- LOU    There are things that can turn even the nicest guy into an animal. MARJORIE    [weakly] Like a werewolf? LOU    Werewolves are rare.  Very rare.  But angry, mean, dangerous boys are common. DENNIS    [controlled anger] Morning, Marjie.  You need a hand with anything? MUSIC AMB    GARAGE LOU    How do you think you know anything? DENNIS    This. SOUND    SET SOMETHING DOWN LOU    That was-- DENNIS    THAT bullet hit a strange "wolf" in the woods last night.  But I didn't find it out in the woods. LOU    No.  [sigh]  You think this is something you could control, don't you? DENNIS    I got self control. MUSIC AMB    WOODS MARJORIE    Morning, Deputy Cooperman. DENNIS    [acknowledging] Marjie.  And this is--? MARJORIE    Lewis.  He was a friend of dad's. DENNIS    [hostile] New in town? LOU    [trying to stay quiet] Just passing through. DENNIS    Were they expecting you? MARJORIE    Goodness.  Listen to you, like he's a suspect or something.  Maybe you should be doing something more useful, like looking for Skitch.  DENNIS    [disdain] Skitch? MARJORIE    Scott Jorgenson. DENNIS    And I should be looking for him, why? MARJORIE    [backing off] He just - It's not that I want you to arrest him or something.  He just was bugging me out here yesterday.  LOU    He grabbed her while she was out here alone. DENNIS    I'll keep that in mind. MARJORIE    [moving away] Come on Lou - I don't want to be late for Joan's birthday party.  SOUND    THEY WALK AWAY MARJORIE    [calling back over her shoulder] Bye, Deputy Cooperman! SOUND    AMB     GARAGE DENNIS    You gotta have self control to be a lawman.  LOU    You're a sheriff's deputy. SOUND    SLAP DENNIS    AND when Sheriff Bonaventure is out of town, I'm in charge.  [backs off a bit]  Look, I can think of all sorts of ways to hurt you.  But I've been reading a couple of books from the library, and they all agree that it's a bite - you biting me - that will give me what I want. LOU    No. DENNIS    You're not going to bite me?  Oh, there's ways. LOU    [yelling] It's not like that.  It's not goddamn tetanus or snakebite! DENNIS    Then tell me what it is like.  Enlighten me. LOU    [very serious and heavy with meaning] It is a curse. MUSIC AMB    DINNER TABLE EDITH    Should we wait dinner for Marjorie, do you think? LOU    Joan's mother said she would drive all the girls home. EDITH    Do you-- do you think Skitch is a danger?  I wish Rolf - or James - was here. LOU    James is your son? EDITH    [heavy emotion] Yes. LOU    Marjorie sounded real proud that he's in the marines. EDITH    [breaks down crying] LOU    What - what's wrong? EDITH    [sobbing] He's dead. LOU    [stunned, but hesitant]  Your husband? EDITH    [wail] James! LOU    [crushed] oh ...hell.  [realizes]  Oh.  Uh.  Would you-- like a shoulder?  I don't mean anything by it-- EDITH    [crying] Thank you.  [buries her sobs in his shoulder] LOU    [trying to be comforting]  There, there. SOUND    DOORBELL LOU    Maybe that's Marjorie? EDITH    [quickly calming, but strained]  She would just come in.  SOUND    WALKS TO DOOR EDITH    [gasp, then very important]  Marjie doesn't know.  About James.  I got the telegram two weeks ago, and I just haven't - I can't -- LOU    Your secret is safe with me. EDITH    Thank you. SOUND     OPENS DOOR DENNIS    Evening, Edith. EDITH    [surprised]  Evening, Dennis.  Is there a problem? [gasp, panic rising]  Did something happen to Marjie? DENNIS    Nothing like that.  I just wanted to check in and make sure you're doing Okay.  LOU    [low rumble] We ran into the deputy in the woods on the way to the party.  [tightly controlled]  He was concerned. DENNIS    Can we talk, Edith?  Alone? EDITH    Dennis.  I'm not ready.  Really. DENNIS    [hiding anger]  Not about that.  About you having strangers in the house with an impressionable girl like Marjorie. EDITH    [angry now] I'll raise my daughter the way I see fit!  I don't need your help on that score. DENNIS    Edith, I-- EDITH    I don't think we have anything else to discuss, Deputy Cooperman.  We were just about to eat dinner.  Good evening. SOUND    SHUTS DOOR EDITH    That ... [quiet but intense] ASS. LOU    What did he do to annoy you so bad? EDITH    Oh... He tried to marry me, way back when. MUSIC AMB    GARAGE LOU    Can I have some water? DENNIS    Tell me something first. LOU    What? DENNIS    [shrug] Anything.  [excited]  Just tell me SOMETHING about what it's like! LOU    It's a curse.  It isn't fun.  DENNIS    How can you say that?  To have the power of life and death right in the palm of your hand! LOU    A gun gives you that.  DENNIS    Yeah, but a gun - people go looking for a gun.  But with an animal.  They just shake their heads and say how sad.  No one LOOKS. LOU    Not for the first one.  Maybe even the first two.  But what do you do when it's the 10th or 20th, or hundredth body to turn up mauled? DENNIS    You have to plan.  That's all. LOU    That's part of the problem.  You can't plan. MUSIC SOUND    OUTSIDE, PORCH SWING LOU    How'd he end up a deputy, anyway? EDITH    4-F.  Too short.  Everyone else went... away.  [starts to cry again, quietly] LOU    Shh.  Here. EDITH    It means a lot to have - to have someone to lean on.  Just the comfort.  It's so-- LOU    Yeah, I know.  [gently teasing] I won't try and marry you or anything. EDITh    [small sniffly chuckle] SOUND    FEET APPROACH EDITH    Oh goodness. SOUND    RUSTLE AS THEY PART SOUND    FEET ON STAIRS MARJORIE    [teasing] Gosh.  Setting a bad example? LOU    Cold.  I mean your mother was. EDITH    [a little too fast] Yes. MARJORIE    Goodness gracious!  I'm just tickled to find out you're still a human being in there, mother.  LOU    [embarrassed laugh] EDITH    [brisk, covering] I think it's time to turn in. MUSIC AMBIANCE    GARAGE DENNIS    [chuckles] I'm a really good planner.  I can handle it. LOU    You don't understand!  It's not YOU any more.  There's this ... agony, and then you wake up.  You're not even a passenger on that train!  DENNIS    What? LOU    It's like - like you send your camera on vacation in your place, and when it comes back, the pictures fade slowly in.  You never get everything, just glimpses.  And it's always the worst things you did.  ALWAYS. DENNIS    You're just trying to put me off. LOU    [fierce!]  NO!  I would LOVE to see you suffer the way I have!!  If it weren't that people would die, I would gladly pass this burden on to you. DENNIS    Only bad people. LOU    When you're - like that - every person looks the same.  Meat. MUSIC AMB    BREAKFAST    MARJORIE    I hope you don't mind.  Mother had to help with something at the church, so I cooked. LOU    Smells good. MARJORIE    Are you thinking of dating my mom? LOU    I... can't. MARJORIE    Whyever not? LOU    I have to move on. MARJORIE    Right away? LOU    Before the end of the week. MARJORIE    Hunting a werewolf? LOU    [sigh]  Something. MARJORIE    Tell me. LOU    Don't get it into your head that you're gonna hunt werewolves, young lady. MARJORIE    Of course not.  But I want to know.  LOU    [indecisive grunt, eats] MARJORIE    [overly casual] Are you a werewolf? LOU    [spit take, then quiet]  Yes. MARJORIE    [serious] Did you come here for dad to kill you? SOUND    HE SETS DOWN THE SILVERWARE LOU    [quiet but firm] Yes. MARJORIE    Why dad?  Just cause of granpapa? LOU    Your family.  It's - this is a curse.  I mean the werewolf.  And whoever kills the holder of the curse will be cursed in turn. MARJORIE    You killed one? LOU    A long time ago.  And the only people who can kill a werewolf without being cursed are your father's family. MARJORIE    Oh, golly. LOU    So I'll go away and check back later-- MARJORIE    My brother's dead. LOU    Uh-- Yeah.  Your mother told me. MARJORIE    So that leaves just LOU    I couldn't do that to you. MUSIC AMB    GARAGE DENNIS    Just because you can't control yourself-- LOU    You don't think I've tried? DENNIS    I am a lawman. LOU    I don't see a lot of justice right here. DENNIS    You're an animal, not a man. LOU    Kill me, then. DENNIS    I'm sure I'll have to.  Eventually. SOUND    PHONE RINGS, DISTANT DENNIS    Oh, heck.  [laughs, teasing] Don't go anywhere. SOUND    DENNIS LEAVES LOU    Hah.  Ouch. SOUND    TAP ON GLASS LOU    What? SOUND    OUTSIDE DOOR OPENS, MARJORIE SLIPS IN MARJORIE    Oh my gosh!  What did he do to you? LOU    Get out of here! MARJORIE    No way!  At least I can get these knots undone. LOU    It's almost dusk! MARJORIE    [realizing] Oh!  But you wouldn't hurt me! LOU    I would never.  But IT doesn't care. MARJORIE    What can I do? LOU    Go home.  And if you never see me again, but you... hear... howling--? MARJORIE    What? LOU    If it's not me, it'll be him. SOUND    DOORKNOB TURNS MARJORIE    I'll be back! SOUND    SHE OPENS OUTSIDE DOOR LOU    [SCREAMS, FIGHTING TO GET LOOSE, AND DISTRACT DENNIS AS HE ENTERS] MUSIC AMB    BREAKFAST MARJORIE    But that leaves you... What will you do? LOU    Try and stay away from people, as much as I can. MARJORIE    Is it that bad? LOU    Yes.  But no matter how bad it gets, I'd rather suffer it myself than leave someone else to go through it.  At least I'm used to it. MARJORIE    What if you killed yourself? LOU    You don't need to fill your head with these morbid ideas. MARJORIE    Hush.  What about it? LOU    I can't.  I've tried.  Over and over.  If I even start, it takes over.  That's one of the only times the wolf comes - except the full moon. MUSIC AMB    GARAGE LOU    [Howls] DENNIS    [excited] Is it starting? LOU    No!  DENNIS    Damn.  I want to watch. LOU    No.  You don't. DENNIS    Yeah.  I do.  [beat]  You know what's funny? LOU    Donald duck. DENNIS    Hah. Hah.  What's funny is that phone call I just got - Apparently Scott Jorgenson's dad just sobered up and turned himself in for beating his own damn kid to death. LOU    Yeah.  That's real funny. DENNIS    So I got nothing to even blame you for. LOU    I suppose that means you're gonna untie me any minute. DENNIS    Uh... no. LOU    Aw, shucks. DENNIS    [deep breath]  Getting late.  Guess it's time for the chains.  LOU    You want to know the secret? DENNIS    Yeah!? LOU    Come closer. DENNIS    Yeah? LOU    Real close. DENNIS    [a little suspicious]  Really? LOU    I have to whisper. DENNIS    What? LOU    [rra!] SOUND    BITE, RIP DENNIS    [scream!] SOUND    ROPES CREAK, WOOD SPLINTERS LOU    [rough, growl] It's starting! DENNIS    Oh my god! LOU    [agony noises] SOUND    HORRIBLE SHAPE SHIFTING NOISES DENNIS    [freaking out] SOUND    GUN SHOTS LOU    [hit, expires] DENNIS    Huh.  [touches his bite, hiss of pain] SOUND    CREAKY FLESH NOISE DENNIS    What? SOUND    BONE CRACKS DENNIS    [pain!]  oww! SOUND    DROPS GUN, BEGINS TO FLOP AROUND THE ROOM SOUND    DOOR CREAKS OPEN DENNIS    [howls!] SOUND    HORRIBLE SHAPESHIFTING NOISES SOUND    GUN PICKED UP DENNIS    [almost unintelligible]  Self control!  I can... control... [disintegrates into a howl] SOUND    GUNSHOT DENNIS    [pain] MARJORIE    [crying]  Oh!   [Unh! exertion noise when she shoots] SOUND    GUN SHOT DENNIS    [yelp of pain, then angry growl] SOUND    NAILS ON CONCRETE, HE STARTS TO MOVE MARJORIE    No!  Unh! SOUND    GUNSHOT DENNIS    [yelp!  Expires] SOUND    WOLF FALLS SOUND    2 more shots, then clicks. SOUND    SILENCE MARJORIE    No more nightmares, Lou. SOUND    OPENS THE DOOR MARJORIE    Not for you, anyway. SOUND    SHUTS THE DOOR MUSIC NIGHTMARE SEQUENCE, VERY MUCH LIKE LOU'S MARJORIE    [wakes with a gasp] SOUND    DOOR, FOOTSTEPS AMB    KITCHEN, COOKING EDITH    Honey?  You look dreadful.  Are you feeling all right? MARJORIE    I think we need to have a talk, mom.  About my father. END
9/29/202237 minutes, 55 seconds
Episode Artwork

Atomic Julie - BACK TO JULIE by Richard Wilson

When politics might ruin one world, what if you could slip off to another one?
9/28/202216 minutes, 21 seconds
Episode Artwork

19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week: TROPHY CASE

Inspired by the classic 1920s Shudder Pulps, a mad scientist has captured a set of victims and forces them to play his hideous game!  Warning:  Mature themes and brutal violence- Seriously Three men, chained in a dungeon!  Beautiful women in peril!  An evil genius doctor!  Villanous minions! Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Garth Jenkins - Chris Stockett Klaus Heinz - Lothar Tuppan Luigi Marconi - David Collins-Rivera Dr. Chnossos - Chris Stockett Grace - Risa Torres Nathalia - Tanja Milojevic Amelie - Julie Hoverson Susanne - Sara Falconer Helga and Oda - Julie Hoverson Mongrel Henchmen - Danar Hoverson & Reynaud LeBoeuf With thanks to The Vault of Evil - where I encountered the dreaded Shudder Pulps!!! Music by Conspiracy (via Jamendo) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a dank dungeon room, sometime in the 1920s, can't you tell?"   **************************************************************************** TROPHY CASE Cast: Garth Jenkins, American athlete 25 Klaus Heinz, Prussian pilot 27 Luigi Marconi, Italian strong man 30 Dr. Chnossos - wheelchair nutjob 60 Amelie, French girl 20 Nathalia, Russian girl 20 Grace, British girl 20 Susanne, American girl 20 Helga, German girl 20 Oda, Swedish girl 20 MONGREL HENCHMEN [any age] OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a dank dungeon room, in the early 1920s, can't you tell?  ROOM WITH BOX, TEASER MUSIC SOUND    DOOR SLAMS GARTH    See if there's something to bar the door with! AMELIE    I can't see - it's too dim in 'ere! SOUND    [outside]  YELLS!  THUMPING ON DOOR GARTH    [grunts, holding door shut] ODA    They are right behind us! NATHALIA    We should kill them.  Then they will never catch us. GARTH    We gotta try and stay ahead of them. GRACE    There's a box over here! GARTH    Can you move it in front of the door? GRACE    Help me, someone! ODA    [plaintive] Is it heavy? GRACE    It's big.  Need to get it away from the wall. ODA    [uncertain] I'll help. SOUND    GRIND OF WOOD ON STONE GRACE and ODA    [grunt, pushing] SOUND    SWOOSH OF BLADE ODA    [SCREAM, gurgle] GRACE    [Scream of fear] SOUND    BODY DROPS ODA    [whimpers, expires] GRACE    [covering mouth, trying to stop screaming] NATHALIA    [excited, but not afraid]  She is dead! GRACE    [hiccuppy gasp, gets control]  That blade just came out of the wall when we pushed the box! AMELIE    [to Grace] You come with me.  We will 'old the door and let monsieur look.  [up to him]  Je ne sais - eh - we do not even know your name! GARTH    Garth.  Garth Jenkins.  AMELIE    I am Amelie.  [hinting] And this is--? GRACE    [almost composed again, but still sniffling] Grace.  I can't believe it.  [starting to lose it again] How could something like that... happen..? AMELIE    'ere.  Lean on the door with me. GARTH    Well...  Stay back, ladies. NATHALIA    I can see perfectly well from here. GARTH    Ok.  She's dead, all right.  That blade must have been on a tripwire of some kind. NATHALIA    It cut her nearly in half. AMELIE    What is this tripwire you speak of? GARTH    A trap.  He said there would be traps.  I guess you need to know why we're here... MUSIC FLASHBACK DUNGEON SOUND     CHAIN, SCUFFLE, ECHO, DRIP LUIGI    [muttered, in pain] Mamma mia! GARTH    Wowsers.  My aching head. KLAUS    [snort of indignation] SOUND    CHAINS RATTLE LUIGI    Hey now!  This is an outrage!  Who are you to do this-a to me! GARTH    Do what?  I can't see a thing.  What's someone doing? KLAUS    [calm, superior] Someone has locked us all in chains. CHNOSSOS [over intercom] Yes. [evil chuckle] You are all my prisoners. GARTH    Wowsers! LUIGI    It is an outrage! CHNOSSOS Yes, yes. I am outrageous.  GARTH    [to doc] You should let us go.  The American government won't like this one bit.  No sir. LUIGI    [to doc] You watch yourself, funny guy!  You come-a let us out now, and maybe we don’t-a kill you dreadful! KLAUS    Shut up!  [they do] I wish to hear what this man has to say. CHNOSSOS Very good. I said I am your captor, and this is true.  GARTH    Hey! LUIGI    Outrage! CHNOSSOS I have brought you here to play my game. [evil chuckle] I thought that would silence you.  I am Doctor Chnossos.  Perhaps you have heard of me?  [waits, no reply, then grumpy]  Probably for the best.  I am a secretive genius.  [upbeat again] You see, I have it in mind to find the perfect male human specimen in the entire world, and have narrowed it down to you three. GARTH    Specimen?  I ain't no specimen! LUIGI    Mamma mia!  Look no further!  I am the strongest man alive!  No one can stand before me! KLAUS    [musing] Fascinating. CHNOSSOS Through exhaustive research, I have narrowed it down to you. Garth Jenkins, All-American football star, Olympic runner, and gold medal swimmer. GARTH    I can hold my breath for three minutes! CHNOSSOS Luigi Marconi, European strongman and champion wrestler. LUIGI    I snap you like a twig! CHNOSSOS And Klaus Heinz, fencing master, ace pilot, and big game hunter. GARTH    Really? LUIGI    Pilot, like the Red Baron? KLAUS    I see no point in denying it. CHNOSSOS The game is simple. See who makes it out of my little labyrinth alive. GARTH    Wowsers! KLAUS    Hmph. LUIGI    Santa Maria! CHNOSSOS There is only one exit. Somewhere out there in my maze.  And only one of you may leave.  [ominous] Ever. GARTH    You want us to... kill each other? LUIGI    I'm not-a that kind of feller. KLAUS    It could not be so simple. CHNOSSOS You are right. It is not that simple.  I do not care who dies, only who escapes.  Kill or do not kill - that is no concern of mine. GARTH    Good. CHNOSSOS BUT... whichever ones are left inside will surely die, for I will seal the door the minute an escape is made. KLAUS    Of course. LUIGI    Dios mio! CHNOSSOS And, of course, my beloved maze - it is full of traps! MUSIC Box room AMELIE    They 'ave stopped.  At the door. NATHALIA    Should we open the door and look? GARTH    I don't think so.  It could be a trap. GRACE    [cold] If what you say is true, this entire place is a trap.  I for one would rather die than fall into their hands, if they're anything like the fellows I saw [falters] before... before-- AMELIE    oh!  Moi aussi! GARTH    Nobody's dying! NATHALIA    [snort] GARTH    Nobody else! SUSANNE    [distant] [horrible screams!!!  THEY GO ON A LONG TIME] AMELIE    Mon dieu! NATHALIA    We need weapons. GRACE    I wish she would stop! GARTH    Well, I've checked everything I can think of on this box.  Looks like I can open it, though after what happened, I wish I had a good old pool cue or something to let me stay back. AMELIE    We will stay by the door.  GRACE     Out of your way. SOUND    SLOW CREAK OPEN BOX GARTH    I just wish I knew what that crazy doctor wants with-- [breaks off in surprise]  What the hay? NATHALIA    What is it? GARTH    The box is full of ... [a little worried] weapons. MUSIC FLASHBACK DUNGEON GARTH    Why in blazes are you doing this? CHNOSSOS As I said, I must see who is the most perfect male. Since you each have your own strengths-- LUIGI    Strength!  That is what I have. CHNOSSOS --there is no direct comparison except through competition. To begin with, those chains-- SOUND    CLANK, CLATTER AS CHAINS FALL AWAY CHNOSSOS --must come off. There is no contest in watching strong men starve to death.  Speak amongst yourselves.  I must go and prepare the next challenge. [evil laugh] SOUND    NOISE TO INDICATE SPEAKING SYSTEM IS OFF GARTH    You!  Fellows! KLAUS    Ja? LUIGI    Donchoo come-a no closer! GARTH    See here, we should work together.  If there's danger here, cooperation will be the best thing for it. KLAUS    [considering] But this voice - he said that only one can win. LUIGI    And that one - its'a gonna be me, by all the saints! GARTH    That's all fine and dandy, but right now we're just three fellers in a dark room.  Let's at least stick together til we find a way out.  Or some light. SOUND    DOOR GRATES OPEN KLAUS    I think you get both of your wishes. SOUND    KLAUS WALKS GARTH    Hey, not so fast!  It could be a trap! KLAUS    I think it is too early in the game for that.  No.  This is merely an opening move.  I will make the first counter move. SOUND    LUIGI GETS UP LUIGI    I'm-a gonna wait and see what happens to that bosch before I step up.  No sense a-both of us getting killed alla the same time, eh? GARTH    It looks safe far. MUSIC BOX ROOM NATHALIA    Weapons?  Guns? GARTH    No, no guns.  Hold on.  SOUND    STUFF BEING MOVED, JUST A LITTLE GARTH    Huh. [almost a chuckle] A good old pool cue.  Stay back! AMELIE    Why?  Should we not 'elp? GARTH    I saw something move.  I'm gonna see what I can... SOUND    SOMETHING FLOPS ON THE FLOOR NATHALIA    A whip!  I'll take that. GARTH    You know how to use it? NATHALIA    I had a very unusual ... boyfriend. AMELIE    'Ow unusual? NATHALIA    [laugh]  Oh!  Your face!  He worked with the circus.  Trained animals. GRACE    I don't suppose there might be a riding crop in there?  I'm a dab hand with close cuts. GARTH    Stay back! SOUND    THUMP ON THE DOOR AMELIE    'Elp me 'old the door! GRACE    [grunt, she throws herself against the door]  Find us something we can use - quickly! SOUND    THUMP ON THE DOOR MUSIC dungeon CHNOSSOS Come in gentlemen. [evil chuckle] I can see that physical perfection is no guarantee of courage. LUIGI    I ain't-a no coward - donchoo say that! KLAUS    [from off] I think you had best come in here. GARTH    Come on. LUIGI    I'll a-go first. SOUND    WALKING GARTH    Holy moley! LUIGI    Santa Maria! KLAUS    Most charming, are they not?  Sleeping peacefully in their night shifts. GARTH    Look, here, you!  It's all very well to challenge us fellows, but this-- CHNOSSOS The six ladies you see before you are the most beautiful women in the world. LUIGI    You ain't a-kidding! CHNOSSOS You might recall a recent article about the loss, at sea, of the boat carrying the finalists in the world beauty pageant? GARTH    Jumping jehosephat! KLAUS    [aha] Of course! LUIGI    That explains-a everything! CHNOSSOS It was all a ruse - the boat DID sink, but not until I had "relieved" it of its lovely cargo. GARTH    And the rest of the passengers and crew? CHNOSSOS Unnecessary. They went down with the ship.  Couldn't have anyone left behind to inform the authorities of my presence, could I? KLAUS    What is the matter with the girls?  Why do they not awaken? CHNOSSOS Oh, it's been much easier to keep them drugged until now. They should be coming to any minute.  Before they do, I should tell you the rest of the rules of the game. LUIGI    Game?  This ain't-a no game! GARTH    Shh.  Let him talk. CHNOSSOS No one escapes without a woman. I need two perfect specimens - a male and a female. KLAUS    You sound like you plan to start a master race. CHNOSSOS I leave that to others. Each of you must choose one of the women for your companion.  LUIGI    What do we -uh- do with the girl? CHNOSSOS [juicy] Anything you like. But you must keep her alive until you find the exit. KLAUS    Do you have to keep the same woman?  CHNOSSOS Any woman will do. That's all the same to me. MUSIC BOX ROOM SOUND    THUMP ON DOOR! GRACE    They're going to get through any second SOUND    WHIP CRACK NATHALIA    [vicious, excited] Let them.  GARTH    Here's a knife, and - oh!  SOUND    THUMP OF KNIFE INTO BOX GARTH    Got it! SOUND     THUMP ON DOOR GRACE    [gasp, strain] Got WHAT? GARTH    Something spidery.  Probably poisonous - that's why I'm taking this kinda slow! SOUND    SPIKE COMES CRUNCHING THROUGH DOOR AMELIA    [gaspy scream]  Be more quick! NATHALIA    Let it open. GARTH    All right.  On three, both of you, move over there, quick!  I don’t want to lose nobody else. SOUND    THUMP, CRASH! MUSIC dungeon GARTH    What about the others?  CHNOSSOS What? GARTH    The other girls.  There's six of them and only three of us.  What happens to the others? CHNOSSOS [nasty wicked] Don't worry. They won't be alone for long.  [evil chuckle] You think I run this place single-handed?  I have a horde of ..."men" just waiting to [insinuating] make the ladies' acquaintance. GARTH    You fiend! KLAUS    Very clever. LUIGI    You put this into our hands?  You make-a this all our fault! CHNOSSOS [taunting] Your fault? Why, no!  Think of it this way - you each get to save one of these ladies from their fate! GARTH    A fate worse than death! CHNOSSOS Just because those left behind are.... mmm... doomed. GARTH    Well, we won't leave any, will we?  [beat]  Will we? KLAUS    It will make it very difficult to succeed, herding a flock of women through a maze. LUIGI    I like-a the ladies, but they can be a little hard to manage. SOUND    GIRLS BEGIN TO WAKEN GARTH    You heels.  [up, to doc]  Hey!  What if we don't leave any of 'em behind?  What about that? CHNOSSOS You can make that choice if you want. And of course, should any of them die in the traps in this maze-- GARTH    Die? CHNOSSOS --and I assure you gentlemen, the traps are very very deadly! You might do well to take more than one, rather like a spare tire - since no one will make it out without a distaff partner. KLAUS    Nein.  GARTH    No, Six. KLAUS    [exasperated sigh, then "duh"] No.  I will burden myself with only one.  Easier to watch over.  AMELIE    [waking, very French]  Oh la la!  Ou et la? LUIGI     But how do you propose to choose who gets a-which a-one? GARTH    We should make up our minds now - before they all wake up and start a ruckus. NATHALIE    [russian-sounding mutter] KLAUS    I have already decided.  I will have this blonde one. SUSANNE    [waking up]  Oh!! GARTH    Why's that? KLAUS    Simple.  She is the smallest.  Easiest to carry, should something happen.  You, girl. SUSANNE    [gasp, American]  What?  Where am I? GARTH    Hey, you should leave her to me.  She's from the good old U-S of A! KLAUS    Too late.  Come with me, girl. SUSANNE    I don't want to-- KLAUS    [threatening] Do not argue with me.  This is a matter of life and death! CHNOSSOS Too right you are. For in five minutes, that green door on the far wall will open and a few of my choice minions will be let loose in this room.  And you know what will happen then... [evil chuckle] GARTH    Holy cats!  We better get a move on. LUIGI    But where a-do-a we go?  There's the dreadful green door, and the way-a we came in, and then--? SOUND    GRATING OF STONE KLAUS    How convenient.  Three doorways open.  Come girl.  I will keep you alive. SOUND    GRABS UP SUZANNE KLAUS    And we will make our exit, stage left. SUSANNE    But I don't understand! KLAUS    I will tell you all you need to know.  [commanding] Come! SOUND    THEY LEAVE AMELIE    And 'oo will tell us all we need to know? LUIGI    French?  Eh!  I have always favored French girls.  I'll take-a you. AMELIE    [defiant] Take-a me where?  I do not think so! LUIGI    [getting mad] Don’t argue a-with-a me!  You won’t-a getta better chance-a than this! GARTH    You better go, lady.  Bad things are gonna happen here. AMELIE    Huh!  And no bad tings will 'appen with thees fellow?  Hah! LUIGI    Atsa your bad-a luck, then.  You-- HELGA    Ja? LUIGI    Do notta speak.  Just come. SOUND    HUSTLES HER OFF AMELIE    Hmph.  Adieu. MUSIC BOX ROOM SOUND    MAN CHOKING GARTH    Leave off! NATHALIA    [with exertion] He would be doing worse to me, were our positions reversed! GARTH    We already killed three of them!  We should keep him alive, make him tell us how to get out of here! NATHALIA    Very well. [lets up, then hissed] You!  You will take us through the maze, or He will leave you to me again, and strangling you is NOT the most painful thing I can do with this whip. SOUND    CREAK OF LEATHER MONGREL    [gasping] GRACE    Are we certain the others are dead? GARTH    Best as I can be.  AMELIA    I want 'is spear.  Anything to keep terrible things at arm's length. GRACE    I guess that leaves me the knife, unless you want to dig further into that box. SOUND    CREAK OF WOOD GRACE    The box!  It's tipping forward! GARTH    Dang it!  [to the captive] YOU!  Where do we go from here? MONGREL    [gibbers in his language] GARTH    Don't tell me he don't speak no English! AMELIA    If he does not speak, then he is no use!  NATHALIA    Da!  Then he is mine! MONGREL    No!  No! GRACE    There's an opening under the box - and the darkness!  It's moving! AMELIA    Spiders! NATHALIA    Bah!  A whip is useless against such as those - we must leave here! MUSIC DUNGEON GARTH    Gosh.  I can't leave any of you girls here alone.  That wouldn't be right. AMELIE    We can look after ourselves. NATHALIA    Speak for your own self!  I want him to look after me. ODA    Someone tell us, please, what it is that is going on? GRACE    Yes.  Can’t you fill us in? GARTH    Not here, not now.  We gotta get moving - bad things are coming. GRACE    Bad things?  Could you be a bit more vague? AMELIE    [troubled] That voice over the intercom - it said that.  I think he is sincere. GARTH    We'll get a move on, and I can tell you as we go. ODA    You are taking her with you? GARTH    Darnitall, I'm taking all o' y'all. MUSIC HALLWAY, KLAUS SUSANNE    [distant, still screaming and gasping, and sobbing] KLAUS    Verdammt.  She must be behind the wall here, somewhere.  [noise as he kicks the wall] GRACE    [distant scream] KLAUS    My apologies, miss America.  But there remain other fish in the ocean. SOUND    HE WALKS AWAY FROM SUSANNE'S SCREAM MUSIC FLAShBACK TO BOAT SOUND    CALM OCEAN, DISTANT MUSIC SUSANNE    Gee, this is swell! AMELIE    You are recovered from your mal-de-mer? SUSANNE    One hundred percent!  Gosh, even seasick sounds so much nicer in French, don't it? AMELIE    [laughs] ODA    Oh, here is where you are!  It is almost time for the curfew.  AMELIE    I don't think it is so dangereuse, to steal a few more minutes of this lovely ocean air! SOUND    FEET APPROACH GRACE    Ah, I'm not the only one with a mind to an evening constitutional?  Makes one sleep quite soundly. SUSANNE    Is that another boat out there? AMELIE    [shrug] Eh.  There are innumerable boats in the ocean. SOUND    BELL SUSANNE    Yeah.  I swear it's coming right at us. ODA    [a bit worried] Oh, come along, we must obey the rules! SOUND    THEY WALK INSIDE, DOOR OPENS GRACE    You'll forget all about strange boats once you get around some warm milk, and tuck up for the night. MUSIC HALLWAY, LUIGI HELGA    I cannot move another step! LUIGI    [threatening] Ahhh!  You know what-a will happen to you if-a you don't! HELGA    [stifled sob] LUIGI    Open that door. HELGA    My hand is still bleeding from the last door! LUIGI    So.  You still have one-a good hand.  [growl] Open it. HELGA    [sobbing breath] LUIGI    [warning noise] HELGA    [takes deep trepidacious breath, pushes door open] SOUND    DISTANT EXPLOSION HELGA    [gasp!] MUSIC FLASHBACK TO BOAT AMBIANCE     BOAT SOUND    EXPLOSION NOTE    GIRLS HAVE BEEN DRUGGED, ARE GROGGY SUSANNE    What?  What's going on? SOUND    STUMBLING TO DOOR SOUND    HUGE CREAK, THINGS SLIDE SUSANNE    What the - oh!!  [stumbles, gasps for breath] ODA    Why is the world sliding to the window? SUSANNE    I'll try to [gasping breath] try to get to the door-- SOUND    STAGGERING FEET ODA    Don't leave me!  I cannot swim! SUSANNE    I'll just-- SOUND    DOOR FLIES OPEN MONGREL    [evil laughter] SUSANNE    [screams] ODA    What is it?  Oh! [screams] MONGREL    [evil laughter] MUSIC OUTSIDE BOX ROOM SOUND    WHIP CRACK MONGREL    [scream of agony] NATHALIA    [ecstatic gasp, laugh!, sound of effort as she brings her arm back for another slice] SOUND    CREAK OF LEATHER, CATCH HAND MONGREL    [whimpering] GARTH    [ugh as he stops her] Here, now, that's enough of that! NATHALIA    Hmph.  That one will be of no help! AMELIE    We cannot merely stand 'ere in the corridor!  Something will come! GRACE    She's right.  We should keep moving along. NATHALIA    This one goes first.  If he will not help us find the way, his only use is to find the traps before we do. SOUND    CLUNK, BEHIND A DOOR GARTH    Shh!  There's something in that room up ahead! SOUND    GRAPPLE MONGREL    [whimper] NATHALIA    Open the door, you beast! MONGREL    [negatory noise] NATHALIA    [intense whisper]  You think I've hurt you already?  You have felt nothing yet! GRACE    Here, now - that's quite enough! NATHALIA    Back off, limey!  I have no wish to die! GARTH    Ladies! AMELIE    The only one 'oo wins, if we fight, is the monster 'oo put us 'ere! NATHALIA    If this thing is not going to open the door, it certainly will not be me! GARTH    [determined sigh] I'll open the door.  You three, stand back.  Keep an eye on him. NATHALIA    [muttered] Teach your grandmother to suck eggs. SOUND    DOORKNOB SLOWLY TURNS MUSIC HALLWAY, LUIGI SOUND    ZIPPER HELGA    [sobbing] LUIGI    Get up.  HELGA    No.  I will not. LUIGI    You should be grateful I would even touch you - you sniveling thing. HELGA    I have lost everything.  My hand.  My... dignity.  And now this ... insult. LUIGI    [nasty whisper] Think of it as a compliment.  One last chance to feel like a woman. HELGA    [hissed, angry]  I might feel like a woman, if you felt anything like a man! LUIGI    You bitch!  SOUND    SLAP HELGA    [gasp] LUIGI    I am your only chance to survive.  Once we get out of here, you can go to hell! HELGA    [fiery] You can go to hell right here! SOUND    SHE RUNS OFF, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY LUIGI    What? SOUND    TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS, RUSTLE AS HIS PANTS FALL, HE TRIPS LUIGI    [falling, ahhh!  Oof!]  HELGA    [distant - laughter is cut off by a shrill scream, in turn cut off in mid-scream] SOUND    HEAVY THUMP OF A BLADE, DISTANT LUIGI    Biiiiitch! MUSIC HALLWAY, GARTH SOUND    DOOR OPENS GARTH    It's dark. AMELIE    Do not go in.  I'll light something off one of these flames. GRACE    What will burn well? GARTH    I'll open the door the rest of the way, see what I can see-- urk! SOUND    SCUFFLE! AMELIE    Garth? GRACE    Oh god! NATHALIA    Bring it out into the light! SOUND    STRUGGLE STOPS KLAUS    [from within] Step back, ladies.  We are coming out. GARTH    [half strangled] Why I oughtta....! KLAUS    Shh!  This knife says you are now the quiet one.  [up] I suggest you ladies all move over there.  Unless you want your hero to have a very close shave. GRACE    Nathalia!  Come here! NATHALIA    [angry noise] SOUND    CREAK OF LEATHER, HER ANGRY FOOTSTEPS KLAUS    Danke shoen.  Let us be Civilized about this. GRACE    Go on then. GARTH    Civilized?  Urk! GRACE    [low and intense] Do not anger the man with the knife! KLAUS    The ever practical britisher.  Hah!  I find myself without a companion. GRACE    Susanne? AMELIE    [gasp] NATHALIE    Fiend! KLAUS    [cold, tinged with anger] She was snatched from behind me by one of the minions.  I turned and saw her pulled through a door, which I could not open.   GRACE    So, being practical, what are you doing here? NATHALIA    Is it not obvious?  He needs a new woman. KLAUS    Ja.  [wry] Have I a volunteer?  Or must I resort to threats? AMELIE    You are not going to kill 'im?  KLAUS    Not if one of you comes with me.  We will walk down the hall, and he will accompany us as far as the intersection there.  AMELIE    Why should we trust you? KLAUS    You have my word as a Prussian. GRACE    And the others? KLAUS    [matter of fact] Wait here.  He will come back for you.  He is such an honorable schoolboy.  Is it a deal, my fine fellow? GARTH    [gasping a bit] Only if the ladies agree. GRACE    One of us will have to-- NATHALIA    I will go. AMELIE    What, you want to go with 'im? NATHALIA    Perhaps I am this tired of boy scouts.  Should I take my pet along with me? SOUND    KICKS MONGREL    [Urk] SOUND    FLOPPY FALL GRACE    Goodness, I think he's... dead! MUSIC HALLWAY, LUIGI SOUND    TRICKLING, DRIPPING NOISES LUIGI    Dios mio!  Such a mess.  Stupid woman! SOUND    DOOR OPENS, DISTANT LUIGI    Too bad-a this blade is too big to take with me.  I am-a left with the same club of wood.  No more blades up above?  [considering noise, scanning the ceiling]   No. nothing else a-looks tricky. SOUND    CAREFUL STEPPING OVER, FOOTSTEP IN STICKY PUDDLE LUIGI    [ech!  Disgusted noise] SOUND    DISTANT FOOTSTEPS, BOOTS SOUND    LUIGI WALKS QUIETLY OFF, STICKY FOOT MUSIC HALLWAY, LADIES AMELIE    What if 'ee does not return? GRACE    He can't get out without one of us.  He must come back. AMELIE    [odd tone] But... 'ee can only leave with one of us. GRACE    We'll sort that all out when we get that far. AMELIE    [musing] Oui.  We will. MUSIC HALLWAY, KLAUS SOUND    SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS KLAUS    There.  Now, you must admit I have done you no more harm than I had to.  GARTH    [angry sigh] Yes. KLAUS    And you swear you will count 20 before you move? GARTH    Yes. NATHALIA    [cold] I do not see why you should not kill him, eliminate the competition now. GARTH    Nathalia! NATHALIA    Garth, dear boy - you are adorable.  But this is life and death, tovarisch. KLAUS    [furious hiss] I have given my word, woman!  NATHALIA    [fierce, But backing down] Very well! GARTH    You should get a move on.  For all we know that eyetalian fellow is already on his way out the exit. MUSIC HALLWAY LUIGI MONGRELS WATCHING, ON THE LEFT, GENERAL CONVERSATION MONGREL    [babbling] MONGREL2    [babbling, slightly higher voice] LUIGI    [on right, whisper]  Bastardos! SOUND    ROCK SKIPS ACROSS FLOOR MONGRELS    [gasp to a stop] SOUND    WEAPONS COMING TO READY MONGRELS     [shushing each other] LUIGI    [whispered] Now for the bait. SOUND    JUICY DRAG NOISE, FLOP LUIGI     [whispered] Look at that a-shapely leg, boys.  How can you resist? MONGRELS    [murmur - excited - wolf whistle] LUIGI    [high pitched gasp, mimicking a girl] SOUND    STICKY FLOPPY NOISE, PULLS SEVERED LEG BACK MONGRELS    [nasty chuckle] LUIGI    Just a few... more... steps... MUSIC HALLWAY, GARTH SOUND    WALKING, TAPPING AHEAD WITH A STICK GRACE    How will we know the exit when we find it? GARTH    I guess, from what he said, I assumed it would be obvious. AMELIE    Do not pester 'im.  'ee is doing the best 'ee can!  [to Garth, warm] I trust you, completemente! GARTH    [a little uncertain] Well.  They went thataway, so I figure we should try this direction.  GRACE    Perhaps he knew something? GARTH    I don't think so. AMELIE    Whichever way you wish to go is fine.  I am right behind you, [sexy] always. GARTH    Come on, then.  SOUND    THEY TAP AND WALK OFF MUSIC HALLWAY, KLAUS SOUND    SCUFFLE, SWOOSH, THUMP, CREAK OF LEATHER KLAUS    [heavy breathing] That was too close! NATHALIA    My God!  That would have cut me in half! KLAUS    You look much better in one piece. NATHALIA    If we do not escape-- [leaves it hanging] KLAUS    This doctor says we will be sealed in here.  Do not worry.  I will kill you quickly.  And then find a way to end myself as well. NATHALIA    Before you do that, we must find a place where we can ...enjoy one last minute together. KLAUS    If it was only a minute, I would call it an insult to both of us. NATHALIA    [ecstatic deep breath] KLAUS    [Deep breath] [clipped, cold] But for now - Let us try still to win, before we plan to celebrate defeat.  MUSIC HALLWAY, LUIGI SOUND    FIGHT! LUIGI    [grunt] SOUND    CRUNCH MONGREL    [squeal, ends in gurgle, dies] LUIGI    Hah! That's-a for you. SOUND    BODY DROP SOUND    SMACKS HANDS CLEAN SUSANNE    [muffled gasp, behind wall] LUIGI    Eh?  SOUND    SCUFFLE SUSANNE    [sob] LUIGI    Where are a-you? SUSANNE    Who - who is it? LUIGI    [low chuckle, then muttered, satisfied]  It’s-a someone who needs him a woman. MUSIC HALLWAY, KLAUS SOUND     WALKING APPROACHES, STOPS NATHALIA    Borje-moi!  Another dead end! KLAUS    [furious!]  Gott in Himmel!  [deep hissed breath, calming himself]  Pah!  At least going this direction, we know where the traps are. MUSIC HALLWAY, LUIGI SOUND    DOOR GRINDS OPEN SUSANNA    [hoarse shriek]  No more!  Please! LUIGI    Come out of there.  We need to move along! SUSANNA    [whimper] You're not one of ...them? LUIGI    I am one of-a me.  And I need one of-a you.  Come now, girl, or I will leave you to their mercies. SUSANNA    Noo!!! LUIGI    Come out! SUSANNA    But I-- [whimpers, sniffles]  They took my clothes! LUIGI    You can-a walk naked, can’t you? SUSANNA    [cries] LUIGI     Fine.  I take-a you something from these-a dead fellows, eh? SUSANNA    Just anything.  Please. MUSIC HALLWAY, GARTH SOUND    TAPPING, OFF TO THE LEFT GRACE    I know what you're about! AMELIE    Whatever do you mean? GRACE    This helpless act, and agreeing with everything poor Garth says.  He won’t be fooled. AMELIE    I am fooling no one.  I truly agree with 'im.  Is it so bad that I wish to survive? GRACE    I shan't play this game. AMELIE    She 'oo does not play cannot 'ope to win! GARTH    [coming in]  Seems clear up ahead.  Come on. MUSIC HALLWAY, KLAUS SOUND    WALKING KLAUS    Shh! SOUND    THEY STOP SOUND    DISTANT DOOR OPENS KLAUS    [whispered] stay close! SOUND    QUIET STEPS KLAUS    [whisper] This way. MUSIC HALLWAY, GARTH SOUND    WALKING GARTH    [whispered] Big open room ahead.  Stay right here, and keep an eye out behind, got it? AMELIE    [fervent] Absolutment! GRACE    [clipped, a bit sour] Yes. SOUND    HIS FOOTSTEPS, THEN A GRATING NOISE GARTH    A gate!  Quick!  Come on! AMELIE    It's coming down too fast! GRACE    Slide! SOUND    GRATING STOPS GARTH    [grunts - effort - holding up the gate]  Come... On!  Quick!  Get under! GRACE     Go!  SOUND    DISTANT MUTTER OF MONGRELS AMELIE    They are coming! GRACE    Move your shapely posterior! GARTH    [lots of effort] Quickly! AMELIE    [breathing heavily] Oh!  Oh!  I am clear! GRACE    My turn, I think. GARTH    HURRRRRRY! GRACE    Oh!  Something's grabbed my foot! AMELIE    [quiet] oh no.  GRACE    Help me!  Amelie!  Ahh!  GARTH    [straining] I can't hold it much longer! AMELIE    [dithering] Oh... [decides]  Oui.  Give me your 'ands! SOUND    HANDS SLAP TOGETHER BOTH WOMEN STRAIN GRACE    I'm loose!  Quick, Pull!! AMELIE    Uuuh! SOUND    RIPPING OF FABRIC GARTH    It's slipping! SOUND    CLANG!  PORTCULLIS DROPS GRACE    Good god - If my feet were a size larger, I'd be lost.  Amelie.  Thank you. AMELIE    [upset] pas du tout.  It was nothing. CHNOSSOS True - I fear your heroics were for nothing, mademoiselle. AMELIE    [gasp] GARTH    What are you talking about? CHNOSSOS You are too late. SOUND    GRATING ACROSS THE ROOM, SCUFFLE AS KLAUS AND NATHALIA ENTER GARTH    Too late?  Too late for what? CHNOSSOS The Italian. He has found the exit.  And even though his female was.... damaged goods... I never specified they had to make it out in pristine condition. KLAUS    And now what is to happen? CHNOSSOS I have what I wanted. You are ...expendable. SOUND    SPEAKING TUBE BEING CLOSED KLAUS    That door - Is that the exit?  Do you know? GARTH    I guess I thought it was. SOUND    DOORS OPENING, ALL AROUND SOUND    FEET ENTER MONGRELS    [many] [laughing evilly] KLAUS    There must be dozens of them! GARTH    Quick!  Circle up!  Face outward.  NATHALIA    No mercy! SOUND    WHIP! GRACE    Amelie, Come on! MUSIC THE WINNER SOUND    MELLOW MUSIC PLAYS, CHAMPAGNE POURS LUIGI    So.  What-a is it that I win? SOUND    MACHINE WHIRS, ENTERING CHNOSSOS [not on speakers] You are the perfect male specimen. LUIGI    I coulda told you that from-a the beginning. CHNOSSOS You are lucky I was only looking for physical specimens. Morally, I fear you are ... flawed. LUIGI    [shrug] You never asked for morals.  You don't-a seem like the type. CHNOSSOS No. I have never been overburdened with morals.  Scientists can’t afford such luxuries. LUIGI    [scoffing] Scientist?  A dried up old-a walnut of a fellow like-a you? CHNOSSOS You should be more polite to your host. LUIGI    I think-a we are past that.  So?  What do I win? CHNOSSOS Have some more champagne and I will tell you everything. MUSIC STILL IN THE MAZE BACK TO OUTER ROOM SOUND    FIGHT HAS ENDED.  HEAVY BREATHING ALL ROUND MONGREL    [groan] KLAUS    [grunt as he stabs the man]  GARTH    That looks like the last one moving.  Everyone okay? GRACE    I think Amelie is hurt.  Her thigh. AMELIE    It's just a scratch. GRACE    Why don't you see if you can get the door open?  I’ll see to this. NATHALIA    I will watch for any other ... enemies. KLAUS    So, [wry, but with humor] my fellow loser, do we go and take our prizes? GARTH    That sounds jake to me!  Let's get that door open! MUSIC INSIDE DOC'S LAIR SOUND    DOOR CRASHES OPEN CHNOSSOS [on speakertube] So, you have managed to escape! KLAUS    Ja.  CHNOSSOS You are too late! GARTH    All we want to do is get the heck out of here, doc!  You try and stop us, and we'll give you what for! NATHALIA    We are not going to find and kill this beast? SOUND    LIMPING UP BEHIND AMELIE    [whimpers, gasps] GRACE    We simply do not have that luxury.  It is more important to get ourselves clear.  [to Amelie] Come along. KLAUS    [to doc] I doubt that there is one of us who would want any prize that came from the likes of you! GARTH    [to doc] Just you stay out of our way!  You hear? CHNOSSOS Go on. Leave.  I have no need for any of you. MUSIC BOAT SOUND    OCEAN SOUND    CREAK OF BOAT SOUND    FEET APPROACH GARTH    All clear.  And there's even some food in the galley. KLAUS    Get the ladies on board. GARTH    Are you thinking what I'm thinking? KLAUS    That leaving this ... villain... to roam at large is somehow dishonorable? GARTH    I just wanted to whup his fanny, but that sounds real reasonable. NATHALIA    [breathless, worried] You're not going back in there? KLAUS    Ja.  And I am coming back out.  [quiet, intense] You are fierce.  That will give me the inspiration to return. NATHALIA    [gasp] GARTH    Hey. GRACE    Yes? GARTH    Is she... is she doing okay? GRACE    [resigned] She'll survive.  Thanks to you.  Now go on.  Make the world safe for all of us. GARTH    Right.  Come on, Klaus. MUSIC AMBIANCE DOC'S LAIR SOUND    DOOR BROKEN IN SOUND    JUICY PLOPPY CUTTING NOISES GARTH and KLAUS     [react as they stumble in] CHNOSSOS No! Stay away!  I am not finished! GARTH    Holy Cow! KLAUS    Mein Gott! CHNOSSOS You will not take away my perfect specimen! GARTH    I don't want it. KLAUS    But you, old man, must be stopped. CHNOSSOS Nooooo- Urk! MUSIC OUTSIDE SOUND    TWO MEN WALK BACK TO THE BOAT SOUND    BEHIND THEM THE PLACE BURN   KLAUS    Mein gott.  That could have been either one of us. GARTH    We can’t tell none of them girls what we saw in there. KLAUS    There is no reason they should need to know. GARTH    Good.  You and me, Klaus old buddy, are the only ones who will ever know what the winner of this damned game was gonna get. KLAUS    ...Skinned and mounted as a trophy. END CREDITS
9/22/202241 minutes, 34 seconds
Episode Artwork

19 Nocturne Reissue of the Week - Poe-Etic Justice

[Mature themes and violence] A modernization of the story "Hop-Frog" by Edgar Allen Poe, turning it into a 1980s frat house horror movie. A bunch of pranksters find out the joke's on them. Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Frogger - Brian Lomatewama Lydia - Megan Lane Rex - James Turpin Deanna - Chandra Wade Uno - Justin Charles Buzz - Lothar Tuppan Trey - Danar Hoverson Lucky - Cary Ayers June - Kate Waterous Lisa - Melissa Pang Bob - James Sedgwick Fred - Jonathon del Arroz Dora - Melissa Bartell Kathy - Suzanne Dunn Music by Persson (available on Jamendo)  Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Thanks to Glen Hallstrom for sound assistance Cover Design:  Dennis Hager "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a college locker room, in the classic era of frat-house prank films, can't you tell?" ****************************************************************** POE-etic Justice Loosely adapted from the story "Hop-Frog" by Edgar Allen Poe by Julie Hoverson ([email protected]) Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Frogger Lydia Tripp Deanna Dora Bob, Fred, Kathy, June FRATS: Rex Mason, fraternity head, etc. Uno Buzz Trey Lucky OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a college campus in the nostalgic era of screwball hijinks films, can't you tell?  MUSIC LYDIA     (Quotes from the original story) I never knew anyone so keenly alive to a joke as the king was. He seemed to live only for joking. To tell a good story of the joke kind, and to tell it well, was the surest road to his favor. Thus it happened that his seven ministers were all noted for their accomplishments as jokers. AMB     LOCKER ROOM UNO     Man!  Did you see the look on his face! BUZZ     Like he'd never seen it bald before. FRATS      [Hearty laugh] TREY     That was you guys?  Oh, man.  FROGGER     [muttered] It's gonna itch. UNO     [less chummy] What? FROGGER     [laughs unconvincingly] When the hair grows back.  It itches like a sonofabitch. TREY, UNO, BUZZ     [chuckle] UNO     [pretend serious] And Frogger would know! TREY, UNO, BUZZ     [laugh hysterically] REX     Cut him some slack, dudes.  Frogger's our pal.  He's a funny guy. MUSIC LYDIA     About the refinements, or, as he called them, the 'ghost' of wit, the king troubled himself very little. He had an especial admiration for breadth in a jest, and would often put up with length, for the sake of it. MUSIC REX     Are they gonna get here soon? BUZZ     If Studs and Lucky got everything right. REX     Cool, then.  This is gonna be a laugh riot. BUZZ     When the froshes come walking into the rooms, each thinking they're gonna "get a little", oh yeah. REX     Got someone with a tapedeck in each bathroom? BUZZ     Too right!  We had to borrow an extra one from Delta pi, but that's cool.  It was Deanna made the tapes anyway. REX     Frogger, what'd you get her to say? FROGGER     [sigh, then, putting on a matching tone]  I gave her this script.  Should be funny as hell. BUZZ     Here!  "oh, good!  You got my note!  I hope you don't mind that I'm a little... kinky.  [laughing and having a hard time reading]  I want you to undress and [collapses] REX     What? BUZZ     Gimme a minute!  [laughing, deep breath] undress and put on my underwear.  It's right there on the bed.  BUZZ and REX     [hysterical fit] REX     Not laughing, Frogger? FROGGER     Just saving it til I see their faces. REX     [agreeing chuckle]  That'll be boss.  Hey, you're into all that educated stuff.  What's up with this Woody Allen guy?  BUZZ     That's that little Jewish nerd, right? REX     This chick I was with last week says he's all hilarious, but I watched this movie - well, some of it, I was mostly macking on another hottie, and it was all like whining. FROGGER     You want the brainhead answer or the real life one? REX     Hit me with the smart one. FROGGER     Woody Allen specializes in observational humor - looking at the angst and neuroses inherent in modern life and stepping aside and commenting on them.  BUZZ     [elaborate yawn] FROGGER     But mostly it is just whining. REX     [laughs]  I knew it! SOUND     DISTANT DOOR OPENS BUZZ     Shh!  Here they come! MUSIC LYDIA     I believe the name 'Hop-Frog' was not that given to the dwarf by his sponsors at baptism, but it was conferred upon him, by general consent of the several ministers. MUSIC AMB     PARTY REX     Grab me a brewski Frogger. FROGGER     No problemo. DEANNA     Why "Frogger"?  I mean, that's not like his real name, right? REX     Duh.  You just gotta see him cross a street sometime.  Freaking funny. DEANNA     Why do keep a little toad like that around?  Did you like lose a bet? REX     Nah.  Frogger's pretty frosty, for a complete nerd.  He comes up with some truly awesome pranks.  DEANNA     He would have to.  Just looking at him is like visual herpes. REX     Nah, the guys like having him around, cuz next to a mini weenie like that, we all look like kielbassas.  Not that I don't look good anyway. DEANNA     [chuckles seductively] Yeah, takes a whole can of vienna sausage to measure up to one ball park frank. REX     Plumps when you get it hot, babe. FROGGER     Your beer.  And a cocktail for you. DEANNA     [cold] Thanks. REX     Cool.  Hop along now, dude.  My term paper is due tomorrow. DEANNA     See, that's where it's so much harder to be a girl than a guy. REX     Why?  DEANNA     No matter how smart she was, I couldn't keep a dog like that around.  We'd get a rep.   MUSIC LYDIA     I am not able to say, with precision, from what country Hop-Frog originally came. It was from some barbarous region, however, that no person ever heard of - a vast distance from the court of our king. Hop-Frog, and a young girl very little less dwarfish than himself, had been forcibly carried off from their homes. MUSIC AMB     OUTSIDE LYDIA     Hiya, Tim! FROGGER     [warm] Hey Lydia. LYDIA     You, um, doing anything tonight? FROGGER     Me?  No.  Did you need some help with something? LYDIA     Me?  No.  I was thinking there's a showing of L'annee Derniere a Marienbad in Culver Hall tonight.  And after what you said about the surrealists [falters] I thought maybe-- FROGGER     Like a date? LYDIA     [backing off]  Maybe.  [covering] Or as friends.  I mean, you don't have to pay or anything. FROGGER     No, no!  I'd love to.  I'm just surprised you'd still speak to me.  LYDIA     Because you hang out with the jackasses?  Nah.  I understand.  I wouldn't mind getting on someone's good side.  FROGGER     [deep] It's not worth it.  Really. LYDIA     But I'm lucky - I don't do anything that makes me a target.  Back in Fulton County, I hated being invisible.  Here, though?  It's a blessing. FROGGER     Even in Fulton, I didn't have much of a choice.  Gotta run now.  Rex is planning a big party for the long weekend.  LYDIA     He needs help? FROGGER      Mostly he just wants people to give him ideas that he can take credit for later. MUSIC LYDIA     The king was sitting at his wine; but the monarch appeared to be in a very ill humor. He knew that Hop-Frog was not fond of wine, for it excited the poor cripple almost to madness; and madness is no comfortable feeling. But the king loved his practical jokes, and took pleasure in forcing Hop-Frog to drink. MUSIC ALL FRATS     Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! FROGGER     [drinking, gasping] REX     Awesome. FROGGER     [coughing] BUZZ     Weenie. ALL FRATS     [laugh] FROGGER     [barely contained anger]  Keep 'em coming. ALL FRATS     [approval] REX     Take a breather, dude.  Mellow out first.  Besides, before you kiss the sky, we need your brain. FROGGER     [breathing deep, trying not to get sick]  What do you expect it to do? ALL      [laugh] REX     We heard that Epsilon Omega is having a toga party. ALL     Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga! REX     Shh!  We're pissed we didn't think of it first.  UNO     Very pissed. REX     Since we don't want to look like copycatting dildoes, we need to come up with a better party.  TREY     And quick - it has to be Friday. LUCKY     Their party is Saturday. BUZZ     And it has to be awesome. UNO     And chicks have to be nearly naked. REX     Well? FROGGER     Hmm.  Garden of Eden. BUZZ     We don't want any bible crap-- FROGGER     You wanted less clothes than togas. UNO     That’s the dumbest-- REX     Hold on.  Are we talking fig leaves and stuff?  [considering] Hmm... UNO     I ain't gluing nothing to MY Johnson. FROGGER     Paint the bikini? TREY     What? FROGGER     Get a bunch of tempera paint, have everyone arrive in bikinis, lay out a bunch of tarps and paint each other.  REX     You mean paint ON each other, right? FROGGER     Duh.  I would suggest finger painting. REX     [considering] Yeah. FROGGER     And then everyone has to shower off... REX     [up]  Yeah!  That is so boss!  Half naked chicks, AND you get to put your hands all over them.  Frogger, you are the MAN. MUSIC LYDIA     On some grand state occasion-I forgot what-the king determined to have a masquerade.  Hop-Frog, in especial, was so inventive in the way of getting up pageants, suggesting novel characters, and arranging costumes, for masked balls, that nothing could be done, it seems, without his assistance. MUSIC AMB     OUTSIDE LYDIA     Hey Tim! FROGGER     Lydia!  Hey. LYDIA     [amused] Is this your idea? FROGGER      What? SOUND     PAPER FROGGER     "you are cordially invited to a bikini painting party--"  Uh, no.  LYDIA     Hmm.  Well, someone invited me. FROGGER     [up] No!  I mean, don't come.  Those guys are dicks, and-- LYDIA     I wasn't planning to, unless you were asking. FROGGER     Good. LYDIA     I'm not much for drinking - or being around a bunch of drunks. FROGGER     Good! LYDIA     I suppose... I suppose you're kind of stuck there? FROGGER     I have to be there for a while.  Until everyone's drunk enough that I can slip out. LYDIA     Let's meet up later, then.  SOUND     SHE WALKS AWAY LYDIA     [calling back] Maybe I'll even let you paint me. FROGGER     I-- uh-- okay. TREY     Dude.  FROGGER     [gasp of shock] TREY     Nice little number.  I bet you get her out of the glasses and baggy sweater and she's a total fox. FROGGER     [desperately lying]  Nah.  She's got no tits at all.  Just tissue. TREY     Damn.  Chicks are such fakers. FROGGER     [relieved sigh] MUSIC LYDIA     Hereupon the dwarf laughed (the king was too confirmed a joker to object to any one's laughing). Moreover, he avowed his perfect willingness to swallow as much wine as desired. The monarch was pacified. SOUND     PARTY, LOTS OF LAUGHING, DISCO MUSIC REX     Ni-i-ice.  Blondes look good in green. JUNE     [GIGGLES] REX     But are you a natural blonde? JUNE     Only my bikini knows. REX     Maybe it will tell me later... JUNE     [giggles] REX     See ya.  Hey Frogger.  I notice your hands are clean. FROGGER     Just - um- came from the bathroom. REX     Hmm.  Beauty idea about giving each guy a different color and starting a contest to see what girl can get the most colors. FROGGER     Deanna's got quite a rainbow going. REX     Is that a crack? FROGGER     Huh?  No - just admiration. REX     Ah, new guests.  Gotta mingle. LISA     [giggle] Oh, look at you!  Are you someone's little brother? FROGGER     You ever hear the phrase "Say Hello to my leetle friend"? LISA      Yeah? FROGGER     That's me. LISA     [wide-eyed] You said that? FROGGER     [sighs] No that's Scarface.  I'm "the leetle friend". LISA     [giggles] LYDIA     [off, calling]  Oh, there he is! FROGGER     Oh shit.  Excuse me. MUSIC LYDIA     There was a dead silence for about half a minute, during which the falling of a leaf, or of a feather, might have been heard. MUSIC FROGGER     [hurried, whispered] What are you doing here? LYDIA     Didn't you call?  Dora, at the dorm said-- FROGGER     No, I didn't.  You need to get out of here. LYDIA     [puzzled, but laughing]  Why?  It looks kind of fun. FROGGER     [frustrated noise]  No!  They're gonna-- BUZZ     I see someone wearing too much clothes! LYDIA     Huh? LUCKY     Did you bring your bathing suit, foxy lady? FROGGER     She's not here for the party.  It's a mistake. LYDIA     [annoyed] No it's not.  TREY     Is this cuz of what you said about her?     FROGGER     Just drop it.  You gotta go. LYDIA     [sharp] What did you say? FROGGER     Nothing.  C'mon, let's bail. TREY     He said you got no boobs under there. LYDIA     What?  What is wrong with you?  God, Tim, I thought you were my friend. FROGGER     Lydia!  Don't!  I can explain-- TREY     Want to prove him wrong? BUZZ     Of course, if you don't have a suit‑‑ SOUND     RUSTLING LYDIA     Actually, I only have a one-piece. FROGGER     Don't! LYDIA     Chill out. SOUND     RUSTLING AS SHE TAKES OFF HER TOP ALL FRATS     [approving noises] TREY     [walking away] Why don't I start - I am curious.  And I'm yellow. FROGGER     [weak] No... REX     C'mon dude.  Bottoms up. SOUND     RATTLE OF ICE IN GLASS MUSIC LYDIA     Poor fellow! his large eyes gleamed, rather than shone; for the effect of wine on his excitable brain was not more powerful than instantaneous. He placed the goblet nervously on the table, and looked round upon the company with a half-insane stare. They all seemed highly amused at the success of the king's 'joke.' MUSIC SOUND     PAINT SLOSH LYDIA     [laughing uncomfortably] That's cold! TREY     I could warm you up a bit.  Maybe a hot shower.  I'll scrub your back. LYDIA     [uncomfortable] I didn't say stop. TREY     I haven't seen you at one of these before.  What are you, a hermit? LYDIA     Just busy studying. TREY     [suggestive] Do you study... anatomy? LYDIA     I'm an english major. TREY     This--[he's painting on her] is the bicep... LYDIA     Yeah, I know.  TREY     And this-- is the [drawn out] pec-to-ral... LYDIA     [gasp of shock]  I think I'm - out of my depth.  I should go. TREY     Nonsense.  There's seven more colors to go.  Everybody wants to get his hands on you. LYDIA     No. No, look, this was a bad idea. TREY     This-- is the gluteus maximus. LYDIA     Stop! SOUND     SLAPPING NOISE TREY     Oh come on.  You don't want to leave this masterpiece unfinished, do you? LYDIA     Let go of me! REX     [overplayed] OK, what's going on? TREY     Models.  They're so high strung. REX     You should have a drink.  Frogger did. LYDIA     I just want to go. REX     [raising his voice]  Hear that everyone?  She just wants to go. ALL     [everyone laughing] DEANNA     Who does she think she is? ALL     [more laughing, mostly guys] SOUND     POUNDING ON A DOOR FROGGER     [in closet]  Stop!  No! REX     You know, these picnic bottles were a really good idea. SOUND     SQUIRTS PAINT LYDIA     [surprised shriek] ALL     [laugh]       LYDIA     [crying] Stop! REX     Well, being the king, I had her first.  Who's next? BUZZ     I got red, how bout I KETCHUP! [squirting] ALL     [laughing] FROGGER     [in closet]  Nooooo! MUSIC LYDIA     The tyrant seemed quite at a loss what to do or say - how most becomingly to express his indignation. At last, he pushed the girl violently from him, and threw the contents of the brimming goblet in her face. MUSIC SOUND     BREATHING IN A CLOSED SPACE.  OCCASIONAL THUMPS AS FROGGER BEATS HIS HEAD AGAINST THE WALL; the party has run down SOUND     DOOR OPENS REX     Damn.  Almost forgot about you.  C'mon out.  Everyone's all gone home. SOUND     FROGGER SCRAMBLES TO HIS FEET, THUMP AS HE SLAMS REX AGAINST THE WALL REX     Unh! FROGGER     You bastard!  You sonofabitch! REX     C'mon dude.  It was just a joke.  No big deal. SOUND     DRINKS FROM A BOTTLE REX     Here.  mellow out. SOUND     OFFERS THE BOTTLE FROGGER     No big deal?  You- you--! REX     Have a drink and get frosty, dude.  Or I might forget I have a big paper coming up and that you need fingers if you're gonna write it for me. SOUND     FROGGER SNATCHES THE BOTTLE, DRINKS DEEP REX     There you go.  That's a pal. SOUND     FROGGER THROWS THE BOTTLE ACROSS THE ROOM, BOTTLE SMASHES REX     [laughs heartily]  Yeah!  You cool? FROGGER     [grim, teeth gritted] I'm completely frozen. MUSIC LYDIA     Hop-Frog endeavored, as usual, to get up a jest in reply to these advances from the king; but the effort was too much. MUSIC SOUND     SHOWER RUNNING SOUND     PHONE RINGS, DISTANT, IS PICKED UP DORA     Yello?  [up]  Lydia! LYDIA     [yelling, still upset] I'm in the shower! SOUND     A MOMENT, THEN POUNDING ON THE DOOR DORA     It's that guy you like.  He wants to talk. LYDIA     Tell him to sit on it! MUSIC LYDIA     "The beauty of the game," continued Hop-Frog, "lies in the fright it occasions among the women." MUSIC TREY     Man, he went total meltdown. BUZZ     His eyes were all bugging out. UNO     Gets all squeaky, like a little bitty piggie. REX     Shh,  Here he comes.  [up]  Frogger, my man.  Have a brewski - we need you at the top of your game tonight. FROGGER     Whatever.  [drinks] REX     Jeez, check out Mr. Dickweed.  He needs to mellow out.  Bring on Mr. Cuervo.  SOUND     LIQUID POUR FROGGER      Just tell me what you need. REX     Nuh-uh.  Not until you got a good buzz.  [serious]  Drink. FROGGER     [sighs] MUSIC LYDIA     "What do you mean by that? Ah, I perceive. You are Sulky, and want more wine. Here, drink this!" and the king poured out another goblet full and offered it to the cripple, who merely gazed at it, gasping for breath. MUSIC REX     I don't know how we didn’t hear about it sooner, but Epsilon Omega is doing this medival banquet thing - and it's tonight!  It's sposed to be totally off the hook, with jousting and shit. FROGGER     [muttered] Jousting's on horseback. UNO     We gotta DO something!  BUZZ     We gotta get in there and mess with them! LUCKY     Epsilon Omega are such douches, we gotta show em up! REX     But see, they won't let anyone in that ain't in a costume.  YOU need to get us in there. FROGGER     You can't just rent some stuff? UNO     All the shops are sold out! TREY     We're like the only ones on the entire campus that didn't get an invite! LUCKY     The pussies! REX     And we gotta show them up at their own damn game!  So it's got be really really medival.  Come on! UNO     And frogger, man, you're the king of this crap - the bikini painting party was completely the bomb! FROGGER     [grim]  That.  Right.  Pour me another one. MUSIC LYDIA     The monarch was pacified; and having drained another bumper with no very perceptible ill effect, Hop-Frog entered at once, and with spirit, into the plans for the masquerade. MUSIC FROGGER     There is this thing-- BUZZ     Yeah? FROGGER     Something really authentic and medival-- LUCKY     Dude!  Just spit it out! FROGGER     I'm assuming you don't want to be lepers-- TREY     Like the cat?  I'd rather be a tiger. FROGGER     No!  Leper.  Like all grody zombie-looking people. REX     We could do that. FROGGER     But this will be better. REX     Yeah? TREY     Dude, zombies are medival? FROGGER     [sigh]  No.  No zombies.  And it has to be a costume we can put together really fast. REX     Duh.  Party's tonight. FROGGER     Back in the olden days, they had all sorts of weird party stuff they did.  And one of them was something called the eight chained orangutangs.  BUZZ     Orangutangs?  Man they rock!  [makes farting sound]  That's like Clyde in Every which way but loose, eh?  ALL     [start making monkey noises] FROGGER     It does take eight guys, though... REX     No problemo.  There's five of us here, plus Ricky, Finn, and uh - Marco. FROGGER     [dark] Exactly the ones I'd'a suggested. MUSIC LYDIA     "The chains are for the purpose of increasing the confusion by their jangling. You are supposed to have escaped, en masse, from your keepers. Your majesty cannot conceive the effect produced, at a masquerade, by eight chained ourang-outangs!" MUSIC ALL     [making monkey noises] FROGGER     BUT we have to get you dressed up!  Come on! REX     [commanding] Shut up!  Listen to Frogger.  Save the monkey shit for later. LUCKY     Yeah, man - monkeys throw their shit.  We should have something to throw! BUZZ     I'm calling the costume shop. FROGGER     You can't. BUZZ     Who says? FROGGER     You want to be all historical, right? REX     Duh. FROGGER     OK, well they didn’t have snazzy costumes way back when. TREY     What did they do? FROGGER     Covered themselves in tar, then rolled in flax. BUZZ     What the hell is flax? FROGGER     Fibers.  Looks like hair. LUCKY     Tar is gross.  It never comes off. FROGGER     You do it OVER clothes.  Like a track suit. TREY     You expect us to get all tarred up and roll around in hair?  You're a complete-- REX     Genius.  We break into the party like this, and those dicks at Epsilon Omega will never be able to live it down. MUSIC LYDIA     The king and his ministers were first encased in tight-fitting stockinet shirts and drawers. They were then saturated with tar. A long chain was now procured. First, it was passed about the waist of the king, and tied, then about another of the party, and also tied; then about all successively, in the same manner, making a circle. MUSIC SOUND     CLANKING, SHUFFLING FEET ALL FRAT     [muffled giggling] SOUND     PASSING A BOTTLE REX     Shh.  Watch out for the post, dumbass!  TREY     There's a buttload of posts in an old warehouse. UNO     Man, it's kind of cold. FROGGER     [dark] Don't worry - you'll be warm later. SOUND     MORE CLANKING FROGGER     I checked out the layout earlier.  They've got a horseshoe of tables surrounding the middle of the room, with knights and wenches and all seated on the outside.  You should go round the outside of the room first, making trouble- TREY     Grabbing chicks - "not my fault!  Orangutans like boobies!" BUZZ     Beep-beep. FROGGER     [exasperated] Yeah.  [up]  But then get to the center of the room, and I'll come in and get the crowd going. REX     Dude, you are truly the man. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, CLANKING STARTS LOUD ALL FRATS     [monkey noises] SOUND     [distant screams] MUSIC LYDIA     The eight ourang-outangs, taking Hop-Frog's advice, waited patiently until midnight before making their appearance. No sooner had the clock ceased striking, however, than they rushed, or rather rolled in, all together-for the impediments of their chains caused most of the party to fall, and all to stumble as they entered. MUSIC SOUND     WALKIE TALKIE NOISE FROGGER     [hushed] Ok, they're in.  Wait for my signal. SOUND     CRACKLE OF STATIC LYDIA     [almost unrecognizable, on air] Gotcha. FROGGER     We've got about five minutes... MUSIC LYDIA     The excitement among the masqueraders was prodigious, and filled the heart of the king with glee. As had been anticipated, there were not a few of the guests who supposed the ferocious-looking creatures to be beasts of some kind in reality, if not precisely ourang-outangs. MUSIC SOUND     [screams, laughing, monkey noises - behind doors] SOUND     DOOR CRASHES OPEN FROGGER     [squeaky british "jester" voice] Good folk! SOUND     [some quieting, ape noises still going on] SOUND     MICROPHONE SQUELCH FROGGER     Good people! SOUND     [quiet] FROGGER     Good people!  I spy beasts in our midst! FRATS     [ape noises] CROWD     [ripple of laughter] FROGGER     they must have escaped from a keeper! REX     Dude, is that my mister microphone? FROGGER     [not on mike] Shh. [on mike, playing it big] It speaks!  Perhaps it is merely a man in a fabulous costume? FRATS     [hooting monkey noises] SOUND     CROWD APPLAUDS FROGGER     Leave them to me!  I fancy I know them.  If I can only get a good look, I can soon tell who they are! SOUND     CHAIN RATTLES FROGGER     Look at these muscles.  If not a beast, then a beast of a man, don't you think? FRATS     [very butch monkey noises] FROGGER     Perhaps there is someone here who can help me identify them.  You, Milady? NOTE     [frogger is using the mike on the people he's talking with, but the frats are just yelling] SOUND     SLOW MACHINE NOISE SNEAKS IN THROUGHOUT, A BIT OF CHAINS, TOO DORA     Me? FROGGER     I think you know that big one in front.  Do you not? LUCKY     [chuckling] Oh, yeah, she knows me.  If you know what I mean. DORA     [furious] He got me drunk and took topless pictures of me, that he posted all over the dorm! LUCKY     What’s a dog like her doing at an Epsilon party? DORA     You ... you bastard! FROGGER     That's a big clue, but I still don't quite recognize them.  Maybe you, sir? BOB     [stuttring]  They - all of them - cornered me in the locker room and pelted me with jockstraps! BUZZ     Dude, it was a joke! BOB     Every day?  For a semester!  It wasn't funny! TREY     It was to us. FROGGER     And you, fair maiden? KATHY     [crying]  They tied me up and covered me in dip at one of their parties. UNO     What's so bad about that? KATHY     I got a rash!  And a yeast infection! REX     Okay, we're out of here.  This ain't funny any more. SOUND     CHAINS RATTLE, A COUPLE OF STEPS FRATS     [reaction noises - ugh, hey, whoa! - as they trip, get pulled up short] UNO     What the crap? REX     The chains're caught on something.  Frogger!  Help us out here. FROGGER     [annoucning] How blind they are, eh, gentle folks? SOUND     APPLAUSE MUSIC LYDIA     With the rapidity of thought, he had inserted the hook from which the chandelier had been wont to depend; and, in an instant, by some unseen agency, the chandelier-chain was drawn so far upward as to take the hook out of reach, and, as an inevitable consequence, to drag the ourang-outangs together in close connection. MUSIC SOUND     MORE CHAINS, STRUGGLES BUZZ     We're stuck! REX     The chains got caught on that hook thing!  Can you reach it? TREY     Give me a boost! SOUND     MACHINE NOISE, HOOK RAISING REX     What the crap? UNO     We're chained at the waist, dumbass, how far you think you're gonna get climbing? FROGGER     Little do they know that this party was thrown in their [sour] honor.  Is it not ironic that they were so caught up in their own amusement they didn't recognize a single one of the people they've wronged? REX     You are so dead, you little shitball.  The minute we get out of here, your life will go to hell. FROGGER     My life has been hell, you evil douchbags!  You think I liked being your little funny guy - your jester?  You think I helped you because I thought it was fun?  Every joke I helped with was like ground glass in my soul, and I still feel like I should be hanging up there with you.  [to crowd]  One more notch, and they'll be on tiptoe.  What do you think? CROWD     [roars approval] FROGGER     It's not as funny when you're the butt of the joke, is it? UNO     Dude, just cut it out.  We've learned our lesson, and shit. man. FROGGER     Lets see what the crowd thinks!  CROWD     [booo] FROGGER     Sorry.  Can’t let it go just yet.  How about you, milord?  What's your beef? SOUND     HAND OVER THE MIKE NOISE FRED     [not on mike] They're gonna bury us. FROGGER     [not on mike] Not a problem.  C'mon.  Think of it as group therapy. SOUND     MIKE UNCOVERED FRED     [quick, ashamed] They duct taped my - my butt. FROGGER     [sincere] I'm very sorry. SOUND     CROWD SUBDUED APPLAUSE SOUND     ANOTHER CRANK OF CHAIN FRATS     [whoa!  They've been pulled off the ground] MUSIC LYDIA     The jester suddenly uttered a shrill whistle; and the chain flew violently up - dragging with it the dismayed and struggling ourang-outangs, and leaving them suspended in mid-air. MUSIC FROGGER     Ah, ha! I begin to see who these "people" are now!  But it's so dark in here.  Give me a tiki torch, someone. DORA     Here. FRED     Watch out - they'll kick you! FROGGER     They could.  But then they'll start swinging.  It's not fun, hung up by your waist, is it? UNO     You little shit! TREY     Your ass is grass, man. SOUND     STRUGGLING, CHAIN CREAKING, SWINGING FROGGER     [to the crowd]  How many of us have been hung like this - by you, or those like you? CROWD     [agrees] FROGGER     [over elaborate]  Watch out!  Don't swing too close to the fire! SOUND     FIRE CATCHES WITH A WHOOMPH FRATS     [screaming] CROWD     [screams] FROGGER     Whoops! MUSIC LYDIA     "I now see distinctly." he said, "what manner of people these maskers are. They are a great king and his seven privy-councillors, - a king who does not scruple to strike a defenceless girl and his seven councillors who abet him in the outrage. As for myself, I am simply Hop-Frog, the jester-and this is my last jest." MUSIC AMB     OUTSIDE, NIGHT SOUND     DISTANT FIRE TRUCKS LYDIA     I can't even feel sorry for them. FROGGER     Nope. LYDIA     It helps, to know I'm not alone. FROGGER     You should never feel alone.  I'm here. LYDIA     I mean, that they hurt lots of people. FROGGER     [self-loathing] And I helped.  Too many times.  LYDIA     They would have done it anyway. FROGGER     I can't forgive myself. LYDIA     Could I? FROGGER     Could you what? LYDIA     Could I forgive you? FROGGER     [a bit teary] That would be a good start. MUSIC LYDIA     It is supposed that Trippetta, stationed on the roof, had been the accomplice of her friend in his fiery revenge, and that, together, they effected their escape. MUSIC THE END ...
9/16/202233 minutes, 36 seconds
Episode Artwork

Atomic Julie - THE WHEEL IS DEATH - by Roger Dee

Another cautionary future tale.  Science - even the most basic - is forbidden.
9/8/202213 minutes, 31 seconds
Episode Artwork

Atomic Julie - The Scandalized Martians by Arnold Marmor

The first movie crew to film with real aliens?  The realism!  The tension!
8/31/20229 minutes, 59 seconds
Episode Artwork

19 Nocturne Boulevard - THE TASTE OF THE BEHOLDER (parts 5-7 of 7) (Deadeye Kid #6) Reissue of the week

While recovering from his injuries, Lemuel Roberts (The Deadeye Kid) must try and make peace between two local factions - a group of Swedish loggers (please overlook our sincere attempt at translation) and a team of Yorkshire miners - neither of which speaks any English that Lem can understand... Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson Doc - Russell Gold Mrs. Doc - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Ezra - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Beamish - Judith Moore The Yorkshire Miners: Scabby Bill:  John Lingard Will Watt Stevie K. Farnaby Danar Hoverson Paul Green The Swedish Loggers: Oly - Lothar Tuppan Nels - Danar Hoverson Mark Olson Cary Ayers Bill Jones Reynaud Leboeuf Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod ( Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. **********************************************************************   Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 5 FANSHAW    Lem!  Everyone's gathering!  It looks a bit of a party. LEM    What's them Swedes a-doin? FANSHAW    They're standing by.  Like a menacing wall of blonde. LEM    [laugh, then coughs] FANSHAW    Are you quite sure you're up for this?  The doctor said you'd worn yourself nearly into a relapse. LEM    Why you think I'm a-lyin here, stead-a being out there? MRS. DOC    [behind door] You all right in there?  May I come in? LEM    [up] Yes ma'am.  SOUND    DOOR OPENS, SHE ENTERS LEM    Jest tryin t'sort out some words as might work with these fellers. MRS. DOC    That sounds wise.  You've already done wonders.  But I have a favor--? LEM    Anythin' ma'am. MRS. DOC    [hesitant] If you can, can you perhaps get them to-- uh-- LEM    Go on? MRS. DOC    To fix my window, there?  They are the ones that broke it. LEM    I already planned on jest that, ma'am.  Donchoo worry. MRS. DOC    Mr. Roberts, you are a veritable angel. LEM    Oh, no ma'am.  Just a man of plain talkin. [laughs, then coughs a bit] MRS. DOC    Get you round a bit more of this and rest you til you're good and ready to come on out.  They can just hold their hosses. FANSHAW    I'll go and see how far the "royal progress" has come.     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE FANSHAW    [sigh] Still out of sight.  Come along Ezra, let us see if we can catch a glimpse of this mysterious lady. EZRA    Are they gonna fight? FANSHAW    [definite] No.  My friend Lem has maneuvered them into peace talks.  EZRA    It would be fun to watch them fight, but ain't very angelic, is it? FANSHAW    No.  Wouldn't want anyone to get hurt, now, would we?  EZRA    Is that the lady, in the cart?  With the big hat and veil? FANSHAW    I would assume so.  A bit of an affectation for the wilds, but everyone has their little vanities. EZRA    Why'ud a lady wear a veil?  Is she really ugly? FANSHAW    I don't know about this particular lady, but many ladies wear them to protect their delicate skin from the harsh sun. EZRA    Ain't much sun under all these trees. FANSHAW    And some ladies, well, they wear a veil to put men at a disadvantage.  No one is entirely comfortable talking to someone they cannot rightly see.  [pause]  I need to let Lem know what all is going on.  I'll be back shortly. SOUND    SHOUTS FANSHAW    What? EZRA    Thought you said they wasn't a-gonna fight! FANSHAW    They weren't supposed to!  Blast!  That looks like more of the Swedes, taking the cart! MRS. BEAMISH    [screams]  Tyke yer bleedin' 'ands off me, ye dodgy swine! FANSHAW    Not much of a lady.  And nothing much we can do here. EZRA    Oh, lookee!  That feller got punched right off the cart! SOUND    GRUNTS FANSHAW    I need to go and tell Lem.  Would you stay with them and see where they go? EZRA    [eager] That would help ya? FANSHAW    It would be very helpful. EZRA    I'm your man.  [distracted] Oh goodness!  That fellow slammed into the tree!  That's gotta smart something fierce!     FADE LEM    They here yet? DOC    No.  It's not so far from the camp that they shouldn't be in sight yet. FANSHAW    Lem!  Ambush! LEM    [quiet] Aw hell. DOC    What? LEM    [sigh, considering best way to say]  I think I ...heard something. DOC    [more joking than suspicious] You must have the plumb smartest ears I ever did encounter, Mr. Roberts.  The way you keep hearing things. LEM    [covering] Uh... Gotta be, livin' raw on the range.  Ya don't hear sumpin a-comin up on you, well, you deserve whatever ya get. DOC    I reckon so. LEM    And with the window broken, sound can get in more. DOC    What is it you heard? LEM    Fighting.  Or leastways a yell.  Sumpin that spoke "fight" to ma mind. DOC    You think there's still trouble? LEM    I'll lay odds that lady ain't gonna make it here any time soon. DOC    Dag nabbit. SOUND    STORMS OUT OF ROOM FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE SOUND    SOMEONE RUNS UP OLY    Vad är det? [What is it?] KJELL    [out of breath] Vi tog henne! [We took her!] OLY    [incredulous and angry] Du gjorde vad? [You did WHAT?] KJELL    [uncertain] Vi ... tog kvinnan tillbaka.  [We ... took the woman back.] SVEN    Bra! Nu har vi vad vi betalat för!  [Good!  Now we have what we paid for!] OLY    Du idioter! Nu blir det krig! [You idiot!  Now there will be war!]     FADE FITCH    What wasp flee up thon jacksey? [what got into them?] SCABBY BILL    'Appen t'were skrike I heered? Lads-- [That might have been a shout.  The lads--] PIKEY    Clack on't devil!  Eyup Jimmy!   [speak of the devil.]  SOUND    RUNNING FEET JAMES    [gasping and in some pain]  Eyup!  Them brutes come out't snicket, 'ave cart upskelled and auld lass gone, bahn for none can ken, afore aught'n us could raise 'and. [those fellows come out of the bushes and attacked!  Tipped the cart and took the woman before we could react!] FINCH    Good night!  Could smell t beer, sae close to settlin' t' slate, and such 'appens. [Damn!  Just when this was going to settle peacefully, this happens.] JAMES    Canna settle now!  Yon 'eads want thumpin'!  Paid in full.  [too late to make peace! I want to beat some heads!  They deserve it!] FINCH    Dustup does nae good for aught-- [a fight won't do anyone any good] PIKEY    [playing devil's advocate] Nae, lad.  Tha path's neither nowt nor summat.  Time fer muckin out.  Nae room fer them as tek such libertines - to clamber out t' shrubbery and ketch up what's nowt fer them.  [no, lad.  Your way is doing no good.  Time to clean this up.  There's no place for those who would lay in ambush.] SCABBY BILL    Tha's the pot!  Us'm tek'er first!  [You're one to talk!  We took her first] PIKEY    [making his point]  S'truth, do we chance to scutch, mayhap yan or two might fall - and then us left must delve t' more. [Of course, if we fight, if we strike a blow, some of us may die - which leaves the rest of us to work even harder at digging.] MINERS    [mutters]  "s'truth."  "Ba gum."  "It gets right up ma cuff."  "'Arsh, that."  "Toes up o'er grub?  Nae!" JAMES    Us'll clean them clocks!  [we won't lose!] PIKEY    Ne'er seen clock tha could clean. DOC    [loud, trying to get all attention] CALM DOWN! ALL GO QUIET DOC    Bother.  That's about all I got.     FADE LEM    This's how wars get lit. FANSHAW    Who is this woman anyway?  Helen of Troy? LEM    Was she on the stage or sumpin? FANSHAW    [chuckles] no, she was a king's wife who was abducted by another king and a great and glorious war was begun. LEM    Ain't no war great and glorious.  Not till everyone as been there's long dead. FANSHAW    Oh. LEM    How'd they end that war? FANSHAW    [a bit embarrassed] They made a giant wooden horse. LEM    [laughs] I think mebbe you gotta tell me this story later, when we ain't about to have all hell cut loose on us.  [groans, getting up] SOUND    RUSTLING OF CLOTHES, ETC. FANSHAW    Don't--! LEM    Ain't no choice here.  Both them top fellers seem to lissen t'me.  Much as doc's a good man, he don't have the touch. SOUND    DOOR OPENS FANSHAW    Speak of the devil! DOC    Here now!  What are you doing, Mister roberts? LEM    I'm planning on facing them in full gear fer once.  DOC    You are not facing them at all... you know what's happening? LEM    I gotta right good guess.  Since the miners were a-bringing her here, I spect twas the loggers jumped em and done took her.  DOC    I think so. LEM    Hitch up the cart.  We're gonna mosey to the logging camp.     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE LARS    [commanding] Du! Kock! [You!  "cook"] MRS. BEAMISH    [snide] Ain't never understood one bloomin word out ye mouf, but vat sounds rigth filthy ye cheesehead! LARS    Du kom hit för att laga mat för oss. Du är skyldig en skuld.  [you came here to cook for us.  You owe a debt.]  MRS. BEAMISH    Gah-on.  Say somfing in normal talk.  Ah dare ya. LARS    [to Kjell] Tror du att hon förstår? [Do you think she understands?] ARN    Hon låter lite arg. [She sounds a little angry.] FREDEK    Jag tror att hon låter galen. [I think she sounds insane.] NELS    Sure, it is like standing to the knees in a mire. EZRA    Why's that, Mr. Nels? NELS    You!  Can you do something? EZRA    What should I do? NELS    Get that woman over here.  The one that was calling out. EZRA    Who?  Oh!  [laughs] That's no woman!  That's Mr. Fanshaw. NELS    Well, he sounds like one to me.  Is there anything he can do?     FADE DOC    Brought the wagon round.  Come on then, lemme give you a hand. LEM    You kin carry my kit, if you would. DOC    You need support-- LEM    [definite] No.  Gettin me to the door, that's right fine, but outside, I gotta put the fear o' god in them, best I can.  And being carried round like a cripple sorta puts a bonnet on that. DOC    I'll be right behind you, then.  Just in case. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS MRS. DOC    [slightly defiant] I, on the other hand, could use all the support you care to give. DOC    Irene? MRS. DOC     Not from you, dear.  Mr. Roberts, if you might give me your arm, sir? DOC    Irene! MRS. DOC    I've already got my hat on, husband.  We might as well get moving. DOC    What exactly do you think you are doing, woman? MRS. DOC    [super sweet] Why, I'm accompanying my beloved husband and his patient on a little wagon ride. LEM    [tries not to laugh] DOC    I forbid it! MRS. DOC    [sweetly]  Oh, of course, dear!  If you prefer, I can wait here at home, the home these silly men have already broken into - from both sides, I might add.  Wait until someone decides that the easiest way to get this to end is perhaps to take me hostage, or threaten-- DOC    [losing steam] Oh hush!!  LEM    The lady has a point, doc.  Seein as I still think we gotta a fair chance of stoppin this without none getting hurt, it'ud likely be safer, ma'am, if you were to stay by us. MRS. DOC    Good.  Now take my arm, Mr. Roberts, for goodness sake!  You're swaying like a sapling.     FADE EZRA    Mr. Fanshaw!  [laughs]  Nels says you sound like a lady. FANSHAW    It is just my accent.  The way I talk.  EZRA    You do talk funny. FANSHAW    Can you go and ask Nels if his men understand a white flag of truce? EZRA    What is that? FANSHAW    When men - or even armies - want to talk rather than fight, they will come bearing a white flag. EZRA    Where do they get a white flag? FANSHAW    They just make one.  Please.  It is important that we know.     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE SOUND    SCUFFLE MINERS    [Arguing]  "More brass'n brains"  "near as makes n'matter" " that's a threp in't steans"  "caffelin' t' 'oil works, am I." SWEDES    [arguing] SOUND    FOOTSTEPS LEM    [sigh]  Shut up! SOUND    STILL FIGHTING LEM     Pardon me ma'am.  Step aside if you please. SOUND    HER STEPS SOUND    GUNSHOT ALL    [go quiet] SOUND    SOMETHING DROPS     Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 6 1_MOVING OUT LEM    You miners.  You... uh... manskers.  Um.  [slowly, with gestures]  We go in cart to your-- OLY    Mig? LEM    Yes, your camp.  You lead us.  SCABBY BILL    [slightly out of breath] Right.  Nowt wait aught mair.  Us'm goin - wi'thee, or nowt. LEM    We's all a-goin.  [to Mrs. Doc] You get on up in the wagon now, ma'am. MRS. DOC    [a bit shaky]  All right.  DOC    [quiet]  Doesn't look like anyone is hurt too bad. LEM    They's all still on their feet. OLY    [slowly, trying to be understood]  detta var inte min idé.  Inte jag.  Jag kommer att tala strängt till dem. [this was not my idea.  Not me.  I will speak sternly to them.] LEM    You lead.  [turns to Scabby Bill]  You follow.  Reckon? SCABBY BILL    Reckon.  FADE 2_GRADY1 SOUND    SOMEONE RUNNING IN PANIC GRADY    [gasping muttered mantra]  Don't slow down, don't slow down.  A log!  Oh sweet Jesus! SOUND    THUMP, SCRAMBLE, SLOW MOVEMENT SOUND    BEHIND HIM, MEN MAN1    Keep heading downhill! MAN2    Brush too thick over there!  This way! GRADY    [barely there prayer] Pity me!  [couple of deep breaths] [sound of exertion] SOUND    RUNNING AGAIN FADE 3_AGREEING SOUND    CART PLODDING DOC    [quietly] That was a foolhardy thing you done back there, Irene.  MRS. DOC    I cannot disagree. DOC    You should never've - what? MRS. DOC     [sweet] I was merely agreeing with you, husband. LEM    [quiet chuckle] DOC    [trying to stay annoyed] But-but you-- [loses it, laughs]  My mother always said you would be a handful. MRS. DOC    I believe mine said something very similar. DOC    About me? MRS. DOC    [laughing] No, about me. LEM    If I was a man to interfere, I might say you're a lucky feller. DOC    I cannot disagree. LEM    Lucky the lady is on your side, if you don't mind me saying so, ma'am. ALL    [laugh]     FADE 4_LOGGING CAMP FREDEK    Många män kommer! [Many men are coming!] LARS    Vi kommer inte ge upp! [We will not surrender!] FREDEK    Detta är inte något att dö för! [This is not something to die for!] ARN    Jag skulle hellre dö än att äta en annan måltid tillagad av dig. [I would rather die than eat another meal cooked by you.] LARS    Jag ser Oly. [I see Oly.] ARN    Han ser arg. [He looks angry.] FREDEK    De måste ha vapen. [They must have guns.] NELS    Nothing worse than to have to sit and listen to them babble. OLY    [off, yelling] Alla ni! Stå vid sidan! [All of you!  Stand aside!] NELS    And cannot do anything when Oly tells them to calm down. LARS    [yelling] Är de hotar dig? [Are they threatening you?] OLY    [off, yelling, pissed off] Du är en idiot! Vi var överens. Då har du stört! Du står åt sidan! [You are an idiot!  We were in accord.  Then you interfered!  You stand aside!] FADE 5_CHUCKIE JAMES    Tha gormless bastard!  Guns or nowt, us could take 'em! [Idiot.  Even with the guns, we could win.] PIKEY    And 'oo ist 'aveta send tha mam word o thy beefing.  Appen I should say 'er son died of 'is own barm, or sweeten tha death wi' claims thee lost fight to a chuckie. [And I will have to write to your mother.  What would you like me to tell her, that you died of being stupid, or that you lost a fight to a chicken?] TED    [sigh]  And us start sommat, it'll nae stop 'ere.  [If we do start something, the fighting will not end here.] FITCH    I dinna feel fer the fight.  Yon stormcloud, 'im seems a fair measure.  [I don’t feel like fighting.  That fellow - he seems fair.] PIKEY    Cud gang fer a slurp missen.  [This would be a good time for a drink.] FADE 6_GRADY2 SOUND    RUNNING MAN1 and MAN2    [closer than before] [yelling "Just over that ridge!"  "Get him!" "Yeller bastard!"] GRADY    [gasping and ragged]  Good god above, [gasp] please, [gasp] send me into a river.  Anything.  [gasp] Just to get me [gasp] get me away... FADE 7_CART SOUND    HORSES.  CART NOT MOVING. DOC    [whispered]  Irene, I prefer strongly that you remain in the cart.  MRS. DOC    As always, I defer to your wisdom, dear husband. DOC    [rueful laugh] Hah.  Good. SOUND    HE CLIMBS DOWN MRS. DOC    I'll also keep a close eye on the shotgun. DOC    The what? LEM    I'll leave my satchel here as well, if you please, ma'am. MRS. DOC    Happy to be useful.  [like speaking to kids] You two go on now and make peace. FADE 8_OLY KOMMER FREDEK    Oly! De kommer! [Oly!  They are coming!] OLY    Var inte dum. De är redan här. [Do not be stupid.  They are already here.] FREDEK    Fler män! Bakom åsen! [More men!  Behind the ridge!] NELS    Sure I do not think those fellows are of these men.  EZRA    More fighting? FANSHAW    And this must be Nels. NELS    And you must be from England. FANSHAW    Why, yes.  Though I do not sound much like my "countrymen" down there. NELS    Nay.  You sound like most Britishers. FANSHAW    I suppose I do. NELS    Just like a woman. FANSHAW    I do not! EZRA    You do a bit. FANSHAW    [grinding out, trying to change the subject] You said something about more men? NELS    Sure, over the ridge.  Quite a ways off.  I can barely get close enough to see, but they are traveling fast, for men on foot. FANSHAW    We'll have to keep an eye out for them, though I am quite certain that all the men I've seen - on either side - are here. EZRA    Mister Fanshaw? NELS    All of my men are here.  Even those with a head full of porridge. FANSHAW    That's a blessing anyway. EZRA    Mister Fanshaw! FANSHAW    I am so sorry, Ezra.  I was lost in thought.  EZRA    You want I should go and look at the men a-coming? FANSHAW    They sound like they're rather far off. EZRA    I can go real far off. FANSHAW    [interested] Really.  Very well.  You'll go and see how many there are? EZRA    I'll find out everything for ya. FANSHAW    I wonder just how far "real far" is. FADE 9_teh dam SOUND    CROWD RUMBLE, BUT NO TALKING SOUND    LEM'S SLOW FOOTSTEPS LEM    Um, [to Oly] Dam? OLY    Ta kvinnan här! [Bring the woman out here!] LARS    [grumbling] Vi var bara försökte hjälpa [We were only trying to help] OLY    Go! [Go!] NELS    If they wanted to help so bad, sure, why did they never make the time for to learn some words? FANSHAW    Always much easier to see mistakes when it is too late. NELS    Ya. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, LARS AND MRS. BEAMISH COME OUT FANSHAW    This?  This is the woman all the trouble has been over?  She's ...hardly what I expected. LEM    Ma'am.  They's been quite a ruckus over you. BEAMISH    Oh, Luvly.  Anuvver what don't speak the Queen's English. LEM    I guess I speak American, then.  But I hazard you understand me fine. BEAMISH    [begrudging] I kin mike yer out. LEM    That's good.  Now these fellers, they have some claim to you? NELS    Sure, she owes us five years service. BEAMISH    [grudgingly admitting] Aye... They do. LEM    Five years.  Legal. BEAMISH    [annoyed sigh] Aye. DOC    [whispered] How'd you get that? LEM    [whispered] Guessed.  Standard indenture. DOC    Ah! BEAMISH    [whining a bit] But I can't unnerstand a bleeding word outtav'em! FANSHAW    I say, Nels, you paid for that?  Under all that veiling, she sounds rather... old. NELS    What do you expect in a cook?  Sure we don't have to look at her while we eat. FANSHAW    A cook!  Good gad! LEM    But you had no trouble doing the work they put you to? BEAMISH    Good plain cooking.  Even such as they musta liked it, for I dessay they never let a plate go cold. DOC    Cooking?  They're willing to fight over a cook? LEM    I reckon with a wife like your good missus, you've never had to eat day-old burnt scratch.  DOC    Well... MRS. DOC    [calling from off, excited] Husband? LEM    Go on. DOC    [walking off] Yes, dear? FADE 10_grady hides SOUND    MEN SLOWLY SEARCHING SOUND    BREATHING, IN A TIGHT SPACE GRADY    [trying to quiet his breathing] EZRA    That's a lot of men to send out fer one fella.  You must be a bad man. GRADY    [whispered]  Someone up there, please help me! MAN1    I think I heard something! FADE 11_shares LEM    [whispered, to fanshaw]  Ask Nels the word for "share". FANSHAW    You're thinking to split the baby again. LEM    Amazing how many problems boil down to something that simple. DOC    Lem?  We - my wife and I - might have a congenial answer for all this fuss. LEM    Do tell. DOC    Well, Mrs. - uh - Beamish, is it? BEAMISH    Beamish.  Aye. DOC    My good lady wife suggested I extend an invitation for you to stay with us. BEAMISH    Where's 'at, then? DOC    Our house.  It's rather in the middle of all this.  BEAMISH    Won't say no to sleepin in proper 'ouse.  Not them shanties. DOC    [a bit slowly, trying to make it understandable to all]  You stay our house-- SOUND    [rumble of muttering on both sides] DOC    Cook.  Cook a lot. BEAMISH      I dearly 'ope you're tryin'a talk t'them, cos I ain't that bleeding thick. DOC    They are the ones who need to agree. BEAMISH    Go'ahn then. DOC    [to miners] You come. Eat. [to loggers] You.  Eat. LEM    [quiet] Eat?  Nels? NELS    [Eat] ata LEM    Thankee.  [up, to doc] "ata" DOC    Oh?  All right.  You.  Come to house.  "ata". LARS    [annoyed] Jag tror att han säger att hon ska laga för honom. [I think he is saying she will cook for him.] NELS    Sure, they do not want to give her over to the doctor either.  He has a wife to cook for him. OLY    Nej, säger han vi äter, också.  Tror jag. [No, he says we eat, also.  I think.] FANSHAW    No, no.  He's trying to say that the woman will be in the middle, and both sides can come and eat in peace.  No more fighting. NELS    Tell them ["You eat too"]  du äter för. FANSHAW    Lem?  Did you-- LEM    Doo ah-ter fore. OLY    Ya.  Mycket bra. [Yes. very good] LEM    And you all? PIKEY    Nae more tae eat bab out Bill?  [snort] I don't gi' a chuff where's hersen rest.  [No more eating the shit Bill cooks?  I don't care where she stays.] TED    'Appen 'at's a relief! [That's for sure!] JAMES    Eh, by gum. SCABBY BILL    Ere, now! PIKEY    Tha noz thee's no' called Scabby fer Nowt.  [You know they don't call you scabby for nothing.] LEM    Good.  DOC    Nice to know that people can be peaceable, even-- SOUND    GUNSHOTS, DISTANT LEM    Damn! ALL    [reactions!  Gasps, expletives] "Hellfire!" "Wha's't faff?" "flipping 'eck!" EZRA    Mister Fanshaw?  I think they's heading this way.     Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 7 MUSIC SCENE 1.    AMB    OUTSIDE LEM    [urgent, but even voice] Doc, I fancy it's time you take the ladies back to that fine house of your'n. DOC    But I can help-- LEM    [more forceful] BY taking THEM to safety.  If we's needin you atall, it's like to be after the battle.  SOUND    GUNSHOTS, DISTANT MRS. DOC    [off, a bit worried] Husband? LEM    Mrs. Beamish, you go on now with these good folk.  We got some rough work ahead of us. MRS. BEAMISH    Ain't never been one to run, but finking feedin th'lads come vict'ry's more my place. SOUND    SHE WALKS TO WAGON DOC    [quiet, but knowing it will do no good] You should come with us. LEM    And hosses should lay eggs. [chuckles]  I'll stay still as I can.  But I'm the king pin yokin these fellers one side t'other.  Go on now.  [up] Ma'am, if you could hand me down my sack?  I might find myself in need of a few more shells. MRS. DOC    Here you go.  [very concerned] You make sure and look after yourself, you hear?  My husband put a lot of work into you. DOC    [amused but still worried]  You heard her - and you know how ornery she can be. LEM    I reckon I do. DOC     [confidential] You fire three shots in the air, all at once, and I'll be back lickety-split with the shotgun. LEM    Preciate it. SOUND    DOC WALKS OFF SCENE 2.    LEM    [slight groan]  Quickly - You, Bill.  You, Oly. SCABBY BILL    Right. OLY    Ja? SOUND    SCRATCHING IN THE DIRT LEM    [talking while drawing terrain and pointing at things]  Sun.  There.  Hill. There.  Ja? OLY    Ja.  Bäck. Ge. [stream.  Give.] LEM    Take it. SOUND    MORE SCRATCHING SCABBY BILL    Thass river? OLY    Bäck. [stream] LEM    Close enough I think.  Bill, can y'all circle round here, over to the left, with yer fellas, and come up alongside?  They got guns and you don't, so I suggest comin on 'em from hidin. SCABBY BILL    Us'm? LEM    Course, it ain't yer fight, but-- SCABBY BILL    Nay problem, lad.  Lads're pantin' fer a good donnybrook.  [shrug] Canna beat on't Swedes, them ticks'll haveta play the Judy. LEM    All righty then, sounds like yer all in.  Go on.  Get ye some stout branches and knock em down, but try not t'kill em.  SCABBY BILL    Why them tea party manners? LEM    In case they ain't the villians here. SCABBY BILL    Ah.  Right.  We're bahn. SOUND    WALKS OFF SCABBY BILL    [off, calling] Ayup lads!  There'll be cracked pates afore sundown, I'll be bahn! LEM    Now for the tricky one. OLY    Du vill att vi ska åka på detta sätt. Runt den andra sidan. Och angrepp från bakhåll? [You want us to go this way.  Around the other side.  And attack from ambush?] NELS    He says do you want our men to go around the other way and attack from ambush as well? LEM    [startled laugh]  Oly, old son, we'll get you tricked up with English talkin yet. OLY    vad är det?  [What is that?] LEM    Later. After dust settles. NELS    Tell him "senare" [Later] LEM    Senare OLY    Ja.  Bakhåll?  Ja?  [Ambush] NELS    [translating] Attack from behind. LEM    Ya.  Go on. OLY    [going off] komma mäniskor! Dags att slå några huvuden! [come on men!  Time to beat some heads!] LEM    [heavy sigh, slight groan] FANSHAW    Lem? LEM    [quiet]  I'm alright.  I'm alright.  Just tuckered out.  Ain't nothin better for fellers like these, but to fight together 'gainst some other varmints.  Think this will end it once and fer all. FANSHAW    I certainly hope so.  LONG MUSIC SCENE 3.    AMB    NIGHT, CAMPFIRE ON LEFT OLY    [clearly storytelling] Vi reste snabbt och tyst. Då vi hörde dem. Arn gömde sig bakom ett träd. Lars var under en fallen stock. [We traveled fast and quiet.  Then we heard them.  Arn hid behind a tree.  Lars was beneath a fallen log.] ARN    Hah!  Bra att vara kort, eh, Lars? [Hah!  Good to be short, eh, Lars?] LARS    Bah! SWEDES     [general laughter] OLY    Vi ser tre kommer! En lång en i en hatt och två andra.  Gräslig. Cruel söker. De rör sig långsamt, letar efter något-- [We see three coming!  A tall one in a hat and two others.  Ugly.  Cruel looking.  They move slowly, looking for something--] MUSIC WIPE ACROSS THE SOUNDSCAPE SCENE 4.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT SCABBY BILL    Nowt but three up't front, but us cud 'ear more clamberin in't lee.  PIKEY    [bragging]  Like scratch hisself in't garden, I were oop on deadfall like bird in't nest.  Thass nowt ne surer as none'll raise them eyen. [I'd crawled like snake up along a fallen trunk, like a bird in a nest.  And no one ever looks up] SCABBY BILL    Aye, lad.  Ain't soul in t' world cud suss windy sot might drop out of clear blue ont' im's pate. [I'll give you that.  No one expects a flatulant drunk to fall out of the sky on his head.] MINERS    [general laughter] PIKEY    [correcting him haughtily] Nay, nay.  Windy sot wieldin' t' grandest thump 'im ever see'd. [A flatulant drunk with a great big stick, I remind you!] MINERS    [more laughter] MUSIC WIPE SCENE 5.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON LEFT OLY    Att en - med skriande skratt - var upp i ett träd. Jag fruktade för dig som han tappade på toppen av. [That one - with the braying laugh - was up a tree.  I feared for anyone he dropped atop of.] ARN    Åtminstone var det inte oss! [At least it wasn't us!] SWEDES    [general laughter] OLY    Han vinkade till mig. Då pekade förbi männen. Sedan lyfte han två händer fingrar. Många män skulle komma! [He waved to me.  Then pointed past the men.  Then he raised two hands of fingers.  Many men were coming!] FANSHAW    It sounds like a fascinating story.  I wish I could understand a word of it. NELS    He was saying that the noisy fellow-- FANSHAW    Aren't they all rather noisy? NELS    [laughs]  THAT one - got above.  High up.  Counted the men coming behind.  Showed him fingers for the count. FANSHAW    Accord without a single word.  Lovely. MUSIC WIPE SCENE 6.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT FITCH    Beyond tha' ken, Bill, our Pikey gives the wrist to yon tall tallow hair. [girlish noise] Ooooh!  Tis in ma mind him's a sight too long wi'out a damp scuffle. [But what YOU didn't see, Bill, was Pikey making obscene hand gestures across to the tall blonde fellow.  I think he's been alone too long.] SOUND    SLIGHT SCUFFLE - FRIENDLY SMACK PIKEY    Dinna fash.  Tha'd be first choice, fitchy m'lad.  Smack afore yows and kine.  Past that, mayhaps Swede.  Blondes ain't nivver turned ma top. [kiss kiss noise]  [You'd be my first choice, Fitch, right before ewes and cows.  I have never been fond of blondes.]  FITCH    [teasing] Ooh-ah.  Get a good scrub on thee aught often, afore thee clack.   [Bathe.  Then we'll talk.] MINERS    [general laughter] SCABBY BILL    Right.  'oo's keeping a tally?  [jokingly making a list] Needed f'r camp - butter, shot, tobacy, loose females. [Right.  Someone make a list of things we need for the camp.  Start with some loose women.] MINERS    [hysterical laughter] MUSIC SCENE 7.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON LEFT OLY    De var fortfarande ute. Kanske för en person. Kanske för ett djur. Något som kunde dölja sig. Vi sprider vidare bakom dem, lugn och vaksam. [They were still looking.  Maybe for a person.  Maybe for an animal.  Something that could hide itself.  We spread further behind them, quiet and watchful.] LARS    Jag var längst.  När den sista passerade, jag slog ner honom snabbt.  [hit noise] [I was furthest.  When the last passed by, I hit him down quickly.] SWEDES    [approving mumble] MUSIC WIPE SCENE 8.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT SOUND    WAGON SLOWLY MOVING IN FROM A DISTANCE PIKEY    Afore mine eyen, them axes circle up the jacksey, and I knew us'd ne'er let it be said us'd come up short in t' tally! [I saw them blonde fellers moving behind.  I knew we'd never want to lag behind.] SCABBY BILL    No.  So... Pikey made t' shrill-- SOUND    SHARP WHISTLE SCABBY BILL    [reacts in pain] NOWT up ma lug!  [angry sigh] Wi' a cry t' lads pounced! [Not in my ear!  And we attacked] FITCH    Like yoked set of dannys, us come right side, cack side!  And them'us jiggered like clemmy shale.  [Like a pair of hands, we came from right and left.  They broke like lose rock.] MUSIC WIPE SCENE 9.    AMB    LEFT CAMPFIRE OLY    Var och en föll. Slås ner av våra modiga händer. Eller våra vänner händer. [Every one fell.  Struck down by our brave hands.  Or our friends' hands.  [raising his voice]] ALL GOOD! SCABBY BILL    [off] I hears that!  [yelling back] Ayup lads?  ALL GOOD! SWEDES and MINERS [not very much in unison- just loud] ALL GOOD! DOC    [off] Ho there!  Sounds like it's safe to approach? MUSIC SCENE 10.    AMB    INSIDE SOUND    [OUTSIDE] THE MEN YELLING AND LAUGHING FANSHAW    Lem? LEM    [rousing from half sleep]  Yup?  Sounds like peace at last. FANSHAW    And the doctor just arrived.  [chuckles] With a kettle of something hearty, and some lovely- LEM    Biscuits?  [chuckles] FANSHAW    [chuckles too]  He'll be in here in a moment, I'm sure.  [beat]  The men - both factions - were rather impressive.  Possibly less impressive than the tales they're telling at the moment, but they did very well. LEM    Who was it they's up against? FANSHAW    Looks like outlaws.  Chasing a fugitive. LEM    And the feller they'us after? FANSHAW    [sigh]  He was already ... done for.  Gone. LEM    [sigh]  The Doc's spare room is looking like heaven just about now. DOC    [outside]  Mister Roberts? LEM    [a bit weaker] In here! LONG MUSIC SCENE 11.    AMB    DOC'S HOUSE DOC    I will not hear of you leaving that bed for at least a week, Mister Roberts.  MRS. DOC    [from off]  Don't you get it into your head that you'll be able to sweet-talk your way past me neither. LEM    I got no plans to budge aught farther than the broth and biscuits require to reach my mouth. DOC    Good. MUSIC SCENE 12.    AMB    DOC'S HOUSE LEM    Alone? FANSHAW    They're all in the kitchen, yes.  From the smells, that Beamish woman is very nearly as accomplished in the kitchen as our lady hostess, despite her lack of - ahem - refinement.  They have set the men to building a sort of cookhouse.  Just an annex big enough for her to serve out of.  The doctor's wife objected, you see, to having all these men troop through the house at mealtimes. LEM    Cain't say that I blame her.  Catch me up a bit? FANSHAW    They say the way to man's heart is through his stomach - and we now have clear evidence this works for groups of men as well as it works on individuals.  They've all become the best of chums.  And those Swedish follows are learning English, bit by bit. LEM    One more victory for-- FANSHAW    Civilization? LEM    [down]  I was gonna say salvation.  Had a might too much time to ponder my past while I been laid up here. FANSHAW    I shan't pry, but you know I will gladly listen to anything you feel the need to unburden yourself of. LEM    Thankee kindly, but my burden is my own. FANSHAW    Well.  When you are up to visting, We should make a trip to speak to the fellow who was being chased by the outlaws. LEM    Where ARE they, anyway? FANSHAW    Several of the men took them down a flatboat on the river to the next landing.  Haven't made the return yet - I gather it takes a few days. LEM    Mm.  Good. FANSHAW    But, you see... this fellow was ...killed a bit further out than I can reach.  It's very frustrating.  Ezra, though... LEM    Oh, yup - this Ezra you been talking about?  How come I ain't seen him, never? FANSHAW    I don't know.  He's a child.  A spirit.  Who prefers to think of himself an angel.  I rather think he's been here quite a long time.  And Lem... LEM    Yup? FANSHAW    I-I feel quite dreadful about this, but - you understand, I have been endeavoring to find some way to help him pass on.  But there's this--- LEM    Spit it out and let's see what color it is. FANSHAW    Ezra can go just about anywhere within the entire valley.  That is rather a long distance.  He seems to have very few of the limitations that I find myself so hampered by.  I don't understand it one bit, and I have this - notion - to try and figure out why.  Before I help him find his way onward. LEM    Guess it's a good thing I'm laid up, then, ain't it?    
8/26/202233 minutes, 21 seconds
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A note from Julie - stay hydrated!

just pointing out I'm still alive.   also don't forget to check out my other twitter feed @MyLadysWardrobe, where i post a new old photo every day.
8/23/20223 minutes, 9 seconds
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19 Nocturne Boulevard - THE TASTE OF THE BEHOLDER (parts 1-4 of 7) (Deadeye Kid #6) Reissue of the week

While recovering from his injuries, Lemuel Roberts (The Deadeye Kid) must try and make peace between two local factions - a group of Swedish loggers (please overlook our sincere attempt at translation) and a team of Yorkshire miners - neither of which speaks any English that Lem can understand... Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson Doc - Russell Gold Mrs. Doc - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Ezra - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Beamish - Judith Moore The Yorkshire Miners: Scabby Bill:  John Lingard Will Watt Stevie K. Farnaby Danar Hoverson Paul Green The Swedish Loggers: Oly - Lothar Tuppan Nels - Danar Hoverson Mark Olson Cary Ayers Bill Jones Reynaud Leboeuf Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod ( Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. **********************************************************************   Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 1 (from end of previous story) SOUND FADES IN AND OUT [Lem has been shot] COMMANDER    Hold on, there, fellow. LEM    [vague] all's well? COMMANDER    We got em. LEM    My pack? COMMANDER    I'll set someone to finding it. FADE OUT DOCTOR    [to Lem] Bite down on this.  [slightly off, urgent, but not loud] He's lost a lot of blood! FADE OUT BOOTMAKER    I'll have a new pair ready before he'll be walking anywhere on them.  You sure I should even bother--? FADEOUT MRS. DOC    Just a little bit of broth, mister.  You need to get some o'yer strength back. SICKROOM LEM    [annoyed moan] FANSHAW    You're awake. LEM    [quiet]  Anyone--? FANSHAW    Not close enough to hear - as long as you stay quiet. LEM    Good.  [groan]  I been shot? FANSHAW    At least twice, judging by the bandages.  Once in the chest, once in the leg, I should say.  I should have been watching. LEM    [reassuring] Cain't leave you to do everythin.   Scotty? FANSHAW    When they returned with his body, I saw no sign of him. LEM    Good. FANSHAW    I sincerely hope so.  [awkward pause, then stiffly]  Should I ...go? LEM    Go?  go where? FANSHAW    [covering] I - I mean, leave you in peace.  To rest.  I don't doubt you will still be needing a great deal of it. LEM    [straining a bit]  Did you see, did it go alla way through? FANSHAW    I don't know, but you were very fortunate - or so the doctor declared. LEM    [satisfied]  Good. FANSHAW    I'll leave you to your rest, then, shall I? LEM    Go or stay, I ain't so wrung out I cain't tell you got sumpin on yer mind. FANSHAW    Oh. LEM    Is it that female ghost o'yours yer frettin over? FANSHAW    [bracing breath]  Yes. LEM    [exasperated snort]  Yer worried she said sumpin, izzat it? FANSHAW    Yes. LEM    [playing it up a bit] You furriners and the trifles that plague you. FANSHAW    [shock] So she did--? LEM    [shrug]  Yup.  So? FANSHAW    [surprised] So? LEM    You cain't be the first. FANSHAW    First? LEM    Nor the last, like enough. FANSHAW    But it... doesn't... bother you? LEM    Well, you don't do it no more. FANSHAW    I... don't? LEM    'sides, plenty of little fellers wet up the bed right up til they'us in long pants.  FANSHAW    What? SOUND    GUNSHOTS, DISTANT LEM    [straining to get up] Oh hell.  Where's my britches? FANSHAW    Before you do yourself some harm trying to get up, I'll gather up my shame and go have a look. LEM    [lies back with a groan] SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES SOUND    ANOTHER GUNSHOT SOUND    DOOR OPENS MRS. DOC    Oh!  You are awake.  I thought I heard your voice! LEM    I was just thinking out loud, ma'am - uh - you don't seem real worried?  About the gunshots? MRS. DOC    [unconcerned] Oh, that.  My husband just had to run off a couple of unwanted patients. LEM    [baffled] Ma'am? MRS. DOC    Oh, my stars!  You won't even remember!  You were shot, and back in town, you were throwing five fits and comin all over feverish, so Mister Brand, that's my husband - [pride] Doctor Brand, that is - he brought you out here with us. LEM    Out... here? MRS. DOC    Doctor Brand is the only medical man for three counties!  Leastways, the only one that doctors people.  So we get around time to time, and much as he didn't want to move you, he also didn't want to leave you in anyone else's care, poorly as you were.  So we brought you along, and the move seems to have done you right good.  You slept peaceful ever since we got here. LEM    Ah.  You help me to remember to thank him for his concern, would you, ma'am? MRS. DOC    [beaming] I'm sure he'll be pleased enough to hear that you're able to thank him. LEM    And the gunshots--? MRS. DOC    [rueful] Well, you see, the local fellows are having an ..."altercation", and Doctor Brand has refused to aid either side, even if they're near dying, until they patch it up. LEM    Altercation? MRS. DOC    I'm sure he'll tell you about that himself.  You don't need any such concern right now.  What you do need is a good solid cup of broth, and I'll be back in two shakes of a lamb's tail. LEM    You're too kind. SOUND    SHE BUSTLES OUT, DOOR SHUTS LEM    [sigh]  Yeah? FANSAW    The good lady is correct.  You really don't need this concern right now. LEM    [annoyed] It'll fret me more knowin there's sumpin to be concerned about and not bein told what it tis. FANSAW    [slight chuckle] It will, won't it?  Very well, but you lie back down while I regale you.  LEM    [grunt, pause] Right, then.  Go on with the regalin'. FANSAW    Two men had a third, bleeding from a head wound, but ambulatory - um, up and walking.  They were yelling at the doctor, but I couldn't make out anything.  They didn't seem to be speaking-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS MRS. DOC    Here you go.  Been reducing for three days - that'll put some strength back into you. LEM    Smells right fine.  But that's an awful small cup, ma'am, if you don't mind me sayin, for a pow'rful hunger like I got. MRS. DOC    [tsks] First we see if you can keep it down, Mister... [uncertain] oh.... LEM    Roberts. MRS. DOC    Roberts. Of course. I'm such a scatterbrain. LEM    Cain't take offense til we're properly introduced, nohow, ma'am.  MRS. DOC    You're too kind.  DOC    [calling, off] Irene?  Missus? MRS. DOC    Ah, looks like the doctor's got everything handled.  FANSHAW    The gunshots were all on the doctor's side, I might add. MRS. DOC    [up, sweetly] I'm in the back bedroom!  [back to Lem] Now you sip a bit, if it's not yet too hot. LEM    [sips] Mm.  A mite.  But I can use some warming. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS COME IN DOC    Ah!  Well, this is just the sort of good news I needed.  [to wife] I've been having more trouble with those fellows. MRS. DOC    They don't mean no harm! DOC    To us, no.  To each other, though...! LEM    What's this trouble yer havin', doc? DOC    Nothing you need worry on.  Not yet, leastways. LEM    But I can-- DOC    Tomorrow.  If you're still improving, I'll tell you everything over breakfast.  For now, you need yer rest. LEM    Can we speak, man to man, sir? MRS. DOC    Goodness, I think I'd best go and check on the biscuits. DOC    You do that. SOUND    SHE LEAVES, DOOR SHUTS DOC    She does make some fair biscuits.  [teasing] And she doesn't listen in. FANSHAW    Should I leave? LEM    No.  [smooth] I reckon a doctor's wife should oughtta be used to checking on her biscuits. DOC    [laughs]  You seem to be doing pretty well, for a man shot and come through fever.  That's excellent.  You keep on with that broth, though.  Ain't out of the woods jest yet. LEM    It's the fever I wanna ask about.  Your good wife let slip that I was a mite... FANSHAW    Garralous? LEM    hmph.  ...rambly? DOC    You kept going on about hearing folks talking to you, even in an empty room.  LEM    "Folks."  Ah. DOC    Funny thing is, you even named them from time to time, and I swear not a one of them was someone who coulda been there. LEM    [careful] Whyzzat? DOC    The one or two I recognized your naming of - well, they're ... "passed on". LEM    I - I musta heard the names somewhere. DOC    Can I speak frankly with you, sir?  And you let me know if this is the least bit upsetting to your digestion, you hear? LEM    Ayup. DOC    Well, then.  I'm purt near sure I know why you were calling out to dead folks. LEM DOC    Seen it before - more'n once, even. FANSHAW    Really? DOC    You ain't alone, son.  LEM    [unsure] I'm... not? DOC    Many's the fellow standing at death's door - and you were right close there for a while - that hears spirits try and call him through. LEM    Ahhh. FANSHAW    Really, they were being rather annoying. LEM    [slight snort] Did I ... say anything that might be important? DOC    I didn't hear, but I can ask my wife.  She sat in the wagon with you when we made the trip - she told you we'd moved you? LEM    She mentioned that you didn't feel right leaving me behind. DOC    The trip seems to have done you good, too.  Fever broke while we were on route.  Quieted you right down. FANSHAW    And there are less spirits here than in town.  At least not around the house.  None to harass you. LEM    And where are we now, then? DOC    I should really call a halt to all this inquiry, and let you sleep. LEM    I promise I won't ask one more thing, if'n you'll kindly tell me where I am. DOC    We're ten miles and a county line away from where we were.  Near the town of Silt Creek.  LEM    Miners? DOC    [smiling] Now now, you promised no more questions.  Can you finish the last of that? LEM    [slurps the broth down] DOC    Good.  If you're still awake in an hour, I'll see that you get some more.  But do try and sleep. SOUND    LEAVES THE ROOM FANSHAW    They seem a nice couple. LEM    Tell me more about what was going on out there. FANSHAW    Lem, You're hardly in any condition-- LEM    I'm gonna be gettin enough coddlin from the likes of them.  Stop actin like an old woman and-- FANSHAW    Very well.  When I went out there, the three men were standing on the road leading up to the house.  The doctor had a shotgun aimed at them.  They were saying something, but I couldn't make it out-- LEM    Were they strapped? FANSHAW    I saw no guns, but they-- SOUND    TAP, SCRATCH AT THE WINDOW FANSHAW    I'll see.  [pause] I'm not certain, but I think it's one of them! LEM    [hushed] How many out there? FANSHAW    Two.  They're trying to get the window open! SOUND    CREAK, RUSTLE OF BEDCLOTHES LEM    [groan as he gets up] Where the devil are my guns? END   EPISODE 2 SOUND    FABRIC BEING SHOVED AROUND LEM    [quiet] Dammit! FANSHAW    Lem, they are trying to leever open the window.  If there ever was a time to call for the doctor and his shotgun, this would be it! LEM    I don't-- SOUND    CREAK, CRACK OF WOOD LEM    Ah hell.  [up] Doc!  Bring your gun!  Doc? SOUND    SOMETHING HEAVY DROPS OUTSIDE SOUND    GLASS BREAKS OLY    [You got it?] [du fick den?] SVEN    [I got it.  Quick, get inside!]  [Jag har det. Snabbt, gå in.] LEM    What the hell kinda talk is that? FANSHAW    Something Nordic, perhaps?  I am hardly an expert! LEM    And where's the Doc? FANSHAW    That I can check on. SOUND    THUMP AS MAN CLAMBERS INTO THE ROOM LEM    Stop right there! OLY    [keep quiet and do not move!] [hålla tyst och inte röra mig!] SVEN    [outside] [is everything all right?] [Är allt okej?] OLY    [Someone is in here.  I can handle it.] [Någon här inne. Jag kan hantera det.] MRS. DOC    [off - scream, more surprise than fear/pain] LEM    Dammit!  Where's my blasted guns? OLY    [Hold your tongue!] [håll din tunga] SOUND    FANSHAW COMES IN FANSHAW     [agitated] Lem, they have broken in from the front as well, and are holding the lady.  The Doctor has given up his weapon. OLY    [barks orders to those outside] [go around front.  Leave Borr and Fredek to watch.] [går runt framsidan. Lämna Borr och Fredek att titta på.] LEM    [side of mouth]  What they threatenin' to do? FANSHAW    I don't know... but I don't think they do either. OLY    [shut up!]  [Håll käften!] FANSHAW    He's gesturing for you to remain quiet.  If necessary, it's one rap for yes, two for no, agreed? SOUND    ONE QUIET RAP SVEN    [outside, question]  [you want the axe?]  [Vill du ha yxan?] OLY    [annoyed] [go around and come in through the front!] [gå runt och komma in genom fronten!] FANSHAW    I say Lem, I should like to go back and make sure there's no-- SOUND    ONE RAP FANSHAW    Right, then. SOUND    FANSHAW EXITS OLY    [Get up now and come with me] [Stig upp nu, och kom med mig.] LEM    [slowly] I don't understand. OLY    [slowly] [YOU get up and come with me] [Du får upp och komma med mig] LEM    Come with?  I been shot.  Weak.  Cain't walk. OLY    [shouting] [Get up!] [Upp med dig!] LEM    [muttered, resigned] All right then. SOUND    BEDCLOTHES RUSTLE, SLOW FOOTSTEP, COLLAPSE TO THE FLOOR LEM    [moans] Dammit. FADE MRS. DOC    [weeping] DOC    Let me go to my wife! BJORN    [angry words]  [just stay right there.  No fast moves!] [Stanna där. Inga snabba rörelser!] DOC    [trying to be calm, but speaking from across the room] Lydia, be brave.  We'll get this all sorted out. BJORN    [warning noise] FANSHAW    At least there's nothing unseemly going on.  That would simply be too much.  If only Lem had his guns.  There's no more that six of them, large as they are.  And not one seems to have a firearm. OLY    [Someone come and carry this fool.]  [Någon kom och bära denna idiot.] AKE    [question] [Should I go?] [Ska jag gå?] BJORN    [go!] [Go!] SOUND    ARNOT RUNS OFF DOWN THE HALL. BJORN    [barks orders] [tie them up!]  [Binned upp dem!] SOUND    CHAIRS PULLED OVER, CREAK OF ROPES MRS. DOC    [gaspy shriek] DOC    There ain't no call for this!  How dare you lay hands on a lady! BJORN    Shh! FANSHAW    Well.  That anyone can understand. FADE LEM    [muttered]  I never thought Swedes were this ornery.  Only ones I ever met were right peaceable. FANSHAW    I think it's - well, it isn't "all right", but I do think they're only doing this to get help. LEM    eh? FANSHAW    The loudest one out front was shoving the doctor at a wounded man. SOUND    AKE WALKS IN OLY    [help me move him] [Hjälp mig att flytta honom!] OLY and AKE    [Grunts as they move Lem] LEM    [sharp hiss, trying not to cry out from pain] Fanshaw    Be prepared.  They have the doctor's lady tied to a chair, to enforce his aid. Lem    Damn. AKE    [laughs] [he knows one word!] [Han vet ett ord!] OLY    [shush] [tyst] FADE Doc    [speaking looud and slow] stitches.  He needs stitches.  I will have to sew that gash on his head. SWEDES    [muttering] Doc    [normal speed] untie my hands and I'll show you, you blasted idjets! Mrs. Doc    [calmer, but a little hoarse from cying] Too bad we lost Nels last month. SVEN    Nels?   Doc    If Nels weren't dead, everything would be easier. SVEN    [angry] [Vad är det du säger om Nels?] Doc    Nels.  Yes.  He was a good man. SOUND    MEN SHUFFLING IN CARRYING LEM Lem    [wincing in pain] Who's this Nels? Sven    [angry] [You shut up about Nels!] [Du hålla käften om Nels!] OLY    [Be quiet.  If nels was here, there would be no problem.  You know that.] [Var tyst. Om kanaler var här, skulle det inte vara något problem. Du vet att.] FANSHAW    [speculative] Sounds like Nels is ...dead?  Hmm. LEM    [quiet] Go on then. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES SOUND    SETTING LEM DOWN IN CHAIR AKE    [Should we tie him up?] [ska vi binda upp honom?] OLY    [He cannot even stand.  Leave him.] [Han kan inte ens stå. Lämna honom.] FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE NOISES FANSHAW    Nels?  I say, is there a Nels around? FITCH    [whispered, urgent] Shut tha gob!  [shut your mouth] FANSHAW    Heavens!  Hello? FITCH    [whispered, urgent] Gi o'er screetin'! [stop talking] FANSHAW    Are you addressing me? FITCH    [whispered, urgent] They'ull suss us're laikin about.  Whilst us'm left bugger-all, and all that.  {they'll figure out we're out here, leaving us with nothing} SCABBY BILL    Pikey's off his head drownt, in't him? [pikey's drunk] PIKEY    [drunken chortle] FANSHAW    That's a relief - of a sort.  Rather than a dead swede, I find a party of my own countrymen - of a sort - encroaching on an already sticky situation.  Bloody hell.  [sigh] I'd best relay this. FADE DOC    I can't do him any good without my bag.  [louder, and gesturing] Bag! OLY    [thinking] Bag.  Ja.  Mrs. Doc    Maybe they understand needle and thread.  Show them. FANSHAW    Lem, just listen.  I've not found Nels, but felt I had to come back and inform you that there are men approaching in a sort of ambush formation outside. LEM    Hmm? FANSHAW    Not more of the Swedes - I suspect these are the fellows who the alteraction is with - or against.  At any rate, they speak English - of a sort - so they won't be so hard to deal with, assuming that they don't simply stage an attack and kill everyone. LEM    Cheery. FANSHAW    And my apologies for not thinking of this before-- LEM    [impatient sigh] FANSHAW    But I did see where the doctor placed your guns and other belongings - they are in the chest at the foot of the bed you awoke in. LEM    Hmph. DOC    [slowly and loudly] You - look through my bag!  You see?  Noooo weapons.  Give bag, let me help your friend. LEM    [quickly] Doc, I think I hear some men outside. OLY    [Hell!  Nels always had bad timing!]  [Helvete! Nels hade alltid dålig timing!] SVEN    [Do not talk about Nels that way!] [Prata inte om Nels det sättet!] Mrs. Doc    Nels?  [slowly, but nicely] Nels was a good man. SVEN    [good man] God Manniska.  Ya. OLY    [Hmph.  give the doctor his bag.] [ge läkaren sin väska.] FADE FITCH    Red, tha tike Jimmy and Sike, and skeg ap gate.  Keep Pikey downwind, me - guff alone'd make a dozey twonk. [red, you take jimmy and sike and look out front.  I'll keep pikey downwind.  His farts alone would make you stupid.] PIKEY    [drunken laugh] FANSHAW    I shall have to leave them to their machinations while I find this Nels.  [quiet] Please god I shall find him.  [up] Nels?  Nels! PIKEY    Tha 'ear owt? [you hear anything?] FITCH    Oyl and shoon. [Hole and shoes - shut your mouth and walk] FADE SOUND    SCISSORS SNIP DOC    [professional brisk] That needs to stay clean, which means-- MRS. DOC    Dear? DOC    [heavy sigh] Right.  [back to loud and slow] Clean.  Wash.  Alcohol. Whiskey? SWEDES    [approving noises]  ya ya.  Whiskey. DOC    [brisk] I have no idea if they understand a word. LEM    That last word I'd say they did. Mrs. Doc    They're watching you real close.  They might be getting some of this. At least some of our words are kind of similar.  "Help", for instance. OLY    [Help?  Help what?] [Hjalp?  Hjalp vad?] MRS. DOC    It's almost like he understood me. LEM    I wouldn’t go thinkin' these fellers is fools.  They don't even seem to mind us talkin, now that the doc's on with his  business. DOC    You think they'll leave now? LEM    So this feller you were talkin about - the one who had some English - do I take it he's deceased? DOC    [agreeing] Mm-hm.  Hatchet flew off the handle, caught him in the side of the head.  It weren't quick, and it weren't pretty, and there weren't a durn thing I coulda done. LEM    So long as they're leavin us to talk amonst ourselves, doc, you were sayin there's some sort of dustup in this here valley? DOC    These fellers - loggers, they are - have some issue with the miners down at the other end of the valley.  They been getting along just fine for a donkey's years, and all of a sudden I ride in this trip to find them at odds and whaling on each other every chance they get. MRS. DOC    Perhaps it is merely a misundertanding?  With Ne- [catches herself] With their one translator passed on, could this all be a terrible mistake? LEM    Might could be.  These miners, they speak English?  Not chineee or sumpin? DOC    English they are, but kind of funny til you get used to it.   LEM    Then I think they's the ones a-creepin up on the house.  I heered just a snatch of voices a while back, and it certain sure weren't Swedes. MRS. DOC    What do we do? LEM    I doubt me you're in any danger, missus, any more than you would be from these fellers. Them out there probably want the doc's help too. MRS. DOC    Even after he sent everyone packing this afternoon? LEM    Even more so.  But they's like to be some fightin once you get'em all in one place. MRS. DOC    Oh no! DOC    If only these fellers would let me speak to them outside. LEM    I'm not sure as they've even noticed-- OLY    [hey!  Someone's outside!] [hey! Någon utanför!] AKE    [I hear them!] [Jag hör dem!] LEM    Never mind. SVEN    [do not let them come in!] [Låt dem inte komma in!] FADE FANSHAW    [sigh] This is about as far as I can go.  I don't know quite where the logger's camp might be‑‑ EZRA    Hello. FANSHAW    Hel-lo? EZRA    Will you play with me? FANSHAW    Oh, dear. [end]   EPISODE 3 1_EZRA EZRA [child]    What's your name? FANSHAW    [dread] Fanshaw. EZRA    That's a funny sort of name. FANSHAW    I expect so.  And yours? EZRA    Ezra.  Ezra Peacote.  FANSHAW    Ezra.  Can you point me to the logger's encampment? EZRA    Sure I can!  You go on down this road a piece, then watch fer where all the trees is gone. FANSHAW    I'm afraid this is as far as I can go, just at the moment.  Can you go to the logging camp? EZRA    I go there all the time to watch them cut down the trees.  I'm gonna cut down trees when I grow up. FANSHAW    [sorrowful] Oh.  I see.     FADE 2_barricade SOUND    SHIFTING FURNITURE OLY    [block that window!  Put out the lamp!] [block som fönster! Släck lampan!] SVEN    [yes! PUSH!]  [Ja! Tryck!] SWEDES    [GRUNTS as they shove furniture] DOC    Stop all this!  Let me talk to them!  AKE    [What if they come in the back?] [Tänk om de kommer i bakvägen?] Mrs. Doc    Oh, please don't let them tear up my house, husband! That china cabinet was my mother's!  DOC    I'll watch the entire house burn to cinders if it means keeping you safe, Irene. LEM    [muttered to self] All I'm watchin is a passel o' people payin no mind to the ailin' feller in the corner.  [chuckles]  It's a wonder how often it helps to seem a mite more poorly than y'really are.      FADE 3_angel FANSHAW    Ezra, you and I need to have a long talk, but that will have to wait.  There's some people in danger, and we are the only ones who can help them. EZRA    Helping is what I'm here fer.  Not that I had much chance, yet.  I'm an angel, you know. FANSHAW    A - what? EZRA    You do know what an angel is, dontcha? FANSHAW    Oh, of course, I've just...  I've never seen one. EZRA    Mama always said that all young'uns who dies of the consumption come up angels. FANSHAW    [sigh of relief] So you know that you passed on? EZRA    Yessir.  But don't sound so sad - it's all right.  I don't cough no more. FANSHAW    You shall have to tell me more about your mama - but first we must help, yes?     FADE 4_irons SOUND    DOOR CREAKS OPEN SOUND    SLOW CAREFUL FOOTSTEPS  [voices from back in the front room] OLY    [yelling to them outside]  [we know you are there!  Stand up and be counted!] [vi vet att du är där! Stå upp och räknas] DOC    [also yelling] They have my shotgun!  Stay clear! MRS. DOC    Please, all of you, don't hurt anyone.  We must be able to work this out! SOUND    DOOR EASES SHUT LEM    [sigh of relief]  Plumb clear ain't none of these fellers got much of a head fer fightin, or they'd have a man back here in case of-- PIKEY    [slurred, off]  Eyup!  Naught but oiyl!  As ah allus sez  - let winder open, best as well put parkin in yune - an ahl tell thi that fer nowt.  [hey - nothing but a hole!  As I always say, leave the window open, might as well bake a cake [and invite people in], and I'll tell you that for free] LEM    [hushed but urgent] Dammit!  SOUND    THUMPS AS HE CRAWLS, THEN TRUNK OPENS SOUND    NOISES OF CLIMBING FROM OUTSIDE SOUND    SEARCHING THE TRUNK LEM    [searching for his guns] Where are they?  Dammit!     FADE 5_get nels EZRA    Nels?  I'll go and ask.  There's a couple of fellers at the logging camp, but I ain't never talked to none of them.  They talk funny. FANSHAW    If he's there, Nels will be the one who CAN speak some English. EZRA    I'm a-going.  [slight pause] Say, Mr. Fanshaw, do you think this might could earn me my wings?  I shore would love to be able to fly away and watch over my mama instead. FANSHAW    [bright] I don't know, truly, but I suspect good deeds will always stand you in good stead.  You go on, now.  [pause]  [small sob]     FADE 6_put em up SOUND    THUMP - THEY'RE IN THE ROOM. SCABBY BILL    Bleeding muttonheads, innit?  Leaving the drawbridge down and draining the moat fer us. PIKEY    Inno moat.  [laughs, then smothers it] An thou clap clack on me gone khalied. [And you talk about me being drunk] SCABBY BILL    Shu'up. PIKEY    SHHHHHHHhhhhhh. [sort of damp and spitty] SCABBY BILL    [dry] Thanks, now I dinna need no washup. OLY    [off]  [Who the devil is watching the back?] [Vem fan tittar på baksidan?] AKE    [off]  [I thought bjorn was!] [Jag tyckte det var Björn] BJORN    [off]  [Ake was supposed to--] [Åke var tänkt att titta på] OLY    [furious growl]  [Get back there!] [Komma tillbaka dit!] SOUND    FEET APPROACH SCABBY BILL    Get set to swing that crow, and be chary you don't smite my crown. PIKEY    Nowt missed owt threp yet. [never missed a smack yet] SOUND    DOORKNOB TURNS SCABBY BILL    Shh! SOUND    DOOR OPENS PIKEY    [loud attack] Right! SOUND    HAMMERS CLICK, TWO GUNS LEM    All y'all hold it right there.  [up] GUN, savvy? PIKEY    What? LEM    Drop em. SOUND    CROWBAR DROPS TO GROUND, SOMETHING WOOD TOO SCABBY BILL    What gate of hell spewed you forth? LEM    No place so trick.  You should oughtta check the corners and the shadows when yer breakin inter a body's home. AKE    [slightly off] Gun?  LEM    Yes, gun! SOUND    SOMETHING DROPS IN THE HALL PIKEY    Now, lad, us'n't doin nowt-- SCABBY BILL    You have to understand the tragic poetry of this moment.  You'd laugh if you had the whole picture there afore ye. LEM    You two stay right'chere. SOUND    SLIGHT STEP LEM    [yelling to the swedes, slow] gun.  Now you, "mansker"-- AKE    [me?]  [mig?] LEM    Yeah - you go and unbind the good doctor and his wife. BJORN    [he cannot shoot all of us.] [han kan inte skjuta oss alla] AKE    [He can shoot one.  And it can be you, idiot.]  [Han kan skjuta en. Och det kan vara du, idiot.] LEM    Idiot.  Gotcha.  Idjit, Gun and damm. And maybe mansker.  Never thought I'd be learning no other lingo at my age.     FADE 7_NELS EZRA    You just waiting fer me?    FANSHAW    I thought it would be helpful if you could locate me easily. EZRA    I kin find anything round here.  I found yer Mr. Nels.  He can't come no closer than over yonder, though. FANSHAW    [calling] Nels? NELS    Who is this asking?  Sure, you're not the little boy. EZRA    [muttered] I'm an angel. FANSHAW    [up]  We need help with talking to your men.  Something has upset them and no one can speak to one another. NELS    Sure, it is a row about the woman, is it not? FANSHAW    A woman?  The doctor's wife? NELS    Nah!  The one we bought fair and square - paid her passage and her indebted for five years, and them rascals up and run off with her. FANSHAW    [resigned mutter]  All this over a woman.  And people wonder why a mustache is so comfortable. EZRA    You got a lovely set of whiskers there, you do. FANSHAW    Thank you.  It helps a great deal to never have to worry about grooming them. NELS    Sure, you bring us back the woman, there might be peace again. EZRA    Is she their mother? FANSHAW    I rather doubt it.  But women are good at... other things too. EZRA    You said a mouthful there, you did, sir.  FANSHAW    Please, just call me Fanshaw. EZRA    All right Mr. Fanshaw. FANSHAW    If you must. EZRA    Huh? FANSHAW    [UP] Nels, we need help speaking to your men.  Are you willing to help, if I give you my word that we are going to do our best to clear this up? NELS    [snort of derision]  Sure, a bucket of dead men cannot float. EZRA    That's just silly. FANSHAW    I think that rather lost something in the translation.      FADE 8_palaver SOUND    ANGRY NOISES FROM BOTH SIDES LEM    [very quiet] Talk to me, Fanshaw.  [up a bit] Ain't much we can do while no one parlays the lingo. DOC    I've always purposed to send away for a book of phrases, but Nels was always on hand. MRS. DOC    Perhaps we could draw some pictures? DOC    That's a capital idea!  Mrs. Doc    I have that slate we set aside ...[trails off with a slight sniffle.  NOTE - she has things for when they have children, but she's never had any] ... I’ll fetch it, then, shall I? SOUND    SHE RUSHES OFF SCABBY BILL    Us got more lads backside.  Be reasonable and leave us go. LEM    I got two guns, and the doc's got at least two barrels of buck, before we need to be reasonable about nothin.  Stay shut. FANSHAW ENTERS FANSHAW    Lem, we have a problem. LEM    [laughs derisively] FANSHAW    Nels IS present at the loggers camp, but cannot approach this place.  I can get to within shouting distance, but it's going to be a bit of a slow process if I'm dashing back and forth for translations each time - not to mention any mispronunciations I might make along the way. SOUND    MRS. DOC RETURNS MRS. DOC    Here we go.  I even have some chalk.  Now.  [bravely] You seem to be the leader here-- DOC    Be careful, dear. MRS. DOC    He's no more a danger with you watching him, husband.  [to OLY] You... draw ... problem. OLY    [quizzical] Problem? [definite, "getting it"] Problem!  Ja! SOUND    DRAWING ON SLATE MRS. DOC    [satisfied] See? SCABBY BILL    Prob'ly just drawin somethin rude. SOUND    DRAWING FINISHES OLY    ["Finished"] Fardig.  [forceful, indicating - "woman"] Dam. SOUND    TAPS THE SLATE PIKEY    As I allus say. DOC    I'll ask you not to use such language-- LEM    No, I think he means dam, like a mare.  Look at what he's drawn. DOC    A woman?  Oh, that sort of dam! OLY    Ya.  Dam. FANSHAW    Damn!  Lem, Nels said something about this all beginning with a woman.  LEM    Damn. [gasp, up] Pardon me, ma'am.  [musing] We really need to get a mite closer to the loggin camp. END   EPISODE 4 FANSHAW    I've been thrown for a bit of a loop, or I would have mentioned the presence of a female at the heart of this matter-- LEM    [riled] Will someone just come to the point and tell me what's a-going on?  What is this about a woman? FANSHAW    Nels said that he and his had -ahem- brought her here, and those fellows apparently absconded with her. PIKEY    What woman?  Us dunno nowt about no woman. FITCH    Put wood in't clacks. [shut up] LEM    You certain sure they's speakin normal English?  Sounds downright wrong. DOC    You get used to it. FANSHAW    I assume they are come from one of the large mining areas back home in blighty.  Perhaps Lancashire or Yorkshire. LEM    York-sure? PIKEY    Aye!  Tykes, us'm. FITCH    Shh! LEM    That sounds like an ayup. OLY    [This has to get us something.  give us the woman] Detta är att få oss något framåt. ge oss damen. LEM    There's that dam again.  [up]  If you're telling me you got no woman-- FITCH    Got nowt.  LEM    Then let's all jest mosey down t'yer camp and have a rekky.  [thinks] See what we find. SCABBY BILL    Nae, sir, cannot.  LEM    Whay's that? SCABBY BILL    um.... Ty-foy. DOC    Typhoid?  Horsefeathers!  Sides, cain't catch typhoid from a looksee.  Get up. PIKEY    Shant. OLY    [growl]  Son till en hund! [Son of a dog!] FITCH    Gormless bastard - tha'll be right skittled! AKE    Låt mig slå honom! [Let me hit him!] SWEDES and TYKES [general angry grumbles] MRS. DOC    Wait!  Wait, all of you! SWEDES and TYKES [all shut up with gasps] MRS. DOC    You!  Sit!  [noise for emphasis as she gestures] SOUND    SHIFTING, THUMPING, TYKESIDE MRS. DOC    Now you!  Go on! SOUND    SHIFTING THUMPING, SWEDE-SIDE. FANSHAW    Clearly, some things are quite comprehensible, no matter what tongue you speak.  They do say women are a civilizing influence and are bound to tame the west. LEM    [slight snort of laughter] FANSHAW    This show of respect certainly gives me some hope regarding the treatment of this mystery woman, as well. LEM    [deep breath and sigh]  Now, fellers.  Let's take it one more time from the saddle blanket up. FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE, FIRE NEARBY SOUND    BAG SET DOWN, RUSTLE BEACHUM    [crotchety old hag] Wazzatcher got vere?  Ye call vem leeks?  TED    Best t'be had.  Yon t'were parky summer.  [best to be had.  It was a cold summer] BEACHUM    Hmm.  Right, leave em on block.  SOUND    RUNNING FEET COME IN JAMES    [breathless from off] Eyup! TED    Eyup?  Why'rt thee so sharp?  [hello?  What's wrong?] JAMES    Maister Finch an't lads! They'm gripped!  [Finch and the guys!  They've been grabbed] TED    Thas doolally, thee!  [you're crazy!] JAMES    Nay!  us were without't house; Fitch went in wi Scabby Bill, Pikey--  [no!  We were at the house, and they went in--] TED    [snort] All save thee?  Get on.  [everyone but you?  Nonsense!] JAMES    Shouts!  And vices.  Them logmen.  But else ain mair.  I'm thought as that's black tidins, me, so I have a squint, and them're all sat like bairns in skoil, with old scratch hisself stood about in catflap johnnies, wavin a pair of irons and fit to beat seven sorts of shite out of 'em.  [Shouts!  And voices!  Those loggers.  But that's not all.  I figured that sounded bad, so I peeked in, and they were all sitting like kids in school, with the devil standing over them in longjohns, waving a pair of guns and ready to beat the crap out of them] TED    [decisive, grim] Roust old Git.  Say tis knockin up time.  [go wake up Old git.  Tell him to get everyone moving.] FADE SOUND    EATING, SPOON THROWN DOWN LARS    [disgusted noise]  [this tastes terrible.] [Det här smakar hemskt.] ARN    [They better be getting her back.  You cook very badly.] [De bättre att få henne tillbaka. Du tillagar mycket dåligt.] LARS    [What do you expect?] [Vad förväntar du dig?] KJELL    [Quiet down!  It will not kill you.] [Tysta ner! Det kommer inte döda dig.]  SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN FREDEK    [out of breath] [Come quickly!  Something has happened!] [Kom snabbt! Någonting har hänt!] SWEDES    [Excited responses - please all record the following, I will mix] [my god!] Herregud! [What happened?!] Vad hände? [Where is Oly?] Var är Oly? [Let's get em!]  Låt oss få dem! SOUND    CLATTER OF DISHES, BENCHES SCRAPE     FADE LEM    Don't try and buffalo me, lads.  I know you all are speakin some kinda English, and YOU, SCABBY BILL    Me? LEM    Ayup.  I heerd you.  You talk purt near normal.  Normal fer Englanders leastways. FANSHAW    Oh, thank you VERY much. SCABBY BILL    [deep over the top thick accent] Nae, Maister.  [quoting a song] Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw thee, On Il-kley Moor bar-ta--at? Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw thee? Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw thee? LEM    Cut that out.  This ain't no game, feller.  Lessen you're hankerin to see a mighty dustup, I truly suggest you take off the feathers and help me untie this knot y'all've wound. SCABBY BILL    [considering] Hmm. PIKEY    Wazzat?  Knots 'n feathers? SCABBY BILL    Nay mitherin, lad. [no worrying, lad.]  [up, clearer]  What thee rightly asking, there, "fellow"? DOC    While yer jawin, Mr. Roberts, Why don't you have a seat?  Never saw a man could sway like 'at, while his hands was set in granite. LEM    Sore as it is to own up to weakness, I think a chair would be right fine right about now. SOUND    CHAIR SCRAPE LEM    [sighs as he sits] EZRA    [distant] Mr. Fanshaw? FANSHAW    I am summoned.  You seem to be handling things. LEM    [quiet] uh-huh. MRS. DOC    If yer all set on hospitality, perhaps these gentlemen will let me set some water on to heat? PIKEY    Wha? SCABBY BILL     Lass says tea mayhap. PIKEY    Ta! MRS. DOC    [slowly, with sound effects, to the Swedes]  I heat water [glug glug] to drink [slurp] warm. OLY    [quizzical] ya? MRS. DOC    Well.  I'll just be in the kitchen, then.  SOUND    WALKS OUT LEM    Checkin' her biscuits. DOC    [chuckles]     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE EZRA    Mr. Fanshaw!  There's folks coming up on you. FANSHAW    From where? EZRA    There! FANSHAW    The loggers? EZRA    And there! FANSHAW    Oh, blast.      FADE DOC    [whispered] Mr. Roberts, tea's all well and good, but fer really makin peace, I cain't fault whiskey.  LEM    [undertone] Save it fer after.  Leave 'em sober til they agree. [up]  You, what's yer name, anyway? SCABBY BILL    Bill.  LEM    No dancin now - tell me about this woman. SCABBY BILL    [sigh]  T'owd lass.  Nae laikin'.  [clears his throat]   She weren't happy wit' them tree trunks.  Nowt speak proper, now t'one has gone.  LEM    What's her name? SCABBY BILL    Mrs. Beamish. LEM    Mrs.?  Doc? DOC    I ain't never seen her. SCABBY BILL    Widder.  LEM    Ayeah.  So Missus Beamish is from England, like you fellers? SCABBY BILL    Nae, London, her'm. SOUND    FANSHAW ENTERS FANSHAW    [breathless] Lem!  More are on their way, both sides. LEM    But she talks like you. SCABBY BILL    [snort of laughter] Nay!  She've an accent.  FANSHAW    [surprised laugh] LEM    But you-- [take a breath to speak, but is intrupted] SCABBY BILL    But mair like than nowt like.  Can cal [rhymes with pal] six of seven, as may be.  Talk. FANSHAW    [warning] Lem, I know it's a bad time-- LEM    So she favors y'all, cuz she kin talk to you? SCABBY BILL    Aye. OLY    [Did they say what they did?] LEM    [slow] I'm asking.  [muttred]  Dunno what's'a gonna happen when I haveta explain. FANSHAW    Lem, I'll come back and let you know when they are close enough to be a danger. LEM    That's right fine.      FADE SOUND    Moving through underbrush KJELL    Det är huset!  [There is the house!] LARS    Finns det någon död?  [Are there any dead?] FREDEK    Jag såg ingen. [I saw none.] LARS    Oly?  Var såg du honom? [Oly?  Where did you see him?] FREDEK    Jag ser ljus! I fönstret! [I see light!  In the window!] KJELL    Tyst! [Be quiet.]     FADE TED    Thas t'house? JAMES    Eh, by gum.  Us gang thru t'winder. [we went in through the window] OLD GIT    Winder wooded oop.  [window is covered in wood] JAMES    [disparagin] Winder at back.   TED    See owt o't'lads?  [see anything of the guys?] JAMES    Within? OLD GIT    Tha reckon, young-en?  TED    [musing] Tis goin' dahn't nick, appen as not.  [this is all going to hell, like]     FADE MUTTERING DISCUSSIONS AMONG BOTH GROUPS MRS. DOC    Drink.  It's more broth. LEM    Thankee kindly, ma'am.  All this jawin is plumb wearin me thin. DOC    I think you've takin the edge off, anyways.  Ain't no one looking fit to kill, no more. LEM    At's a wonder.  [sips, ahhh.] DOC    But I worry about you, feller.  Soon as can, you're for bed, and I'll need ta check them wounds. LEM    I cain't wish fer more.  [up, to Mrs.] Thankee ma'am.  Maybe a touch more? MRS. DOC    Of course. SOUND    BUSTLES OFF LEM    [quiet] Spect this's a bad time to say I'm a-hearin voices outside again? DOC    What the blazes! LEM    shh.  I think both have reinforcements comin.  We needs to shove some peaceable down all their throats - and right quick, before a range war starts out yonder. SCABBY BILL    [clears throat]  We are ready to cry off.  And make some talk.  Nowt gi' up, but sort this - hosses fer yows.  [not giving up, but want to negotiate - horses for ewes] LEM    Sounds like a good start.  You? OLY    Ya?  [No fighting.  Talk.  Somehow.] DOC    Does that sounds peaceble enough? LEM    I'm fair hopeful. [up] Bill?  Go tell yer men to rein it in.  [correcting] uh, step back.  They's comin from out there. SCABBY BILL    Flippin 'eck!  Ah'm barn.  [flippin heck! I'm going] SOUND    a couple of steps, DOOR OPENS SCABBY BILL    [off, fading]  Lads!  LEM    Oly, your turn, old son.  [slowly, with gestures] Go stop your'n. OLY    Ya.  SOUND    FEET, DOOR LEM    [clearly weakening] Doc, go and yell fer that Bill feller - tell him to bring Mrs. Beamish along here.  See what you can do anyway. DOC    Let me take them guns, first, yer gone all pale and fit to drop 'em LEM    I'll set em down myself. SOUND    METAL ON WOOD LEM    [quiet] Don't fret.  Th'ain't even loaded. DOC    Well, I'll be! LEM    I doubt me I got the strength left to hold guns and bullets.  Now catch 'em up and get that woman here. END    
8/17/202239 minutes, 16 seconds
Episode Artwork

19 Nocturne Boulevard - AULD LANG SYNE (parts 4-6 of 6) (Deadeye Kid #5) Reissue of the week

A quirk of fate brings both Lem and Fanshaw face to face with people from their pasts.  disagreeable reunions bring up disagreeable memories, and show a taste of what makes a man into a gunslinger. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid -  J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson ~~~~~~ Grisham - Bill Hollweg  (BrokenSea Audio) Lisette Carmichael - Robyn Keyes Commander Bannington -  Glen Hallstrom Scotty - Mike Campbell Other Voices: Episode 1 Bartender - Rick Lewis Episode 2 Townsfolks - Mark Olson, Candace Behuniak, Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 3 Juliet - Alexa Chipman (Imagination Lane) Glen Hallstrom Episode 4 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Piedmont - Russell Gold Mr. Roberts - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Episode 5 Nanny - Jennifer Dixon Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 6 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Mark & Connor Olson Russell Gold Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod ( Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson   No gunshots herald his approach.  No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. ******************************************************************   Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 1 MUSIC 1_ARRIVAL SOUND HORSES, RIVER, BOAT TRAFFIC LEM Largest town I been near in a good passel of time.  I hear tell it started out as a frontier fort, but the frontier moseyed west and left it a-setting behind. FANSHAW Will it be safe? LEM Safe? FANSHAW I had rather assumed you were avoiding larger towns.  For ... notoriety's sake. LEM Meaning I don't want be invited to a necktie party?  'at's part of it, though I'm purty sure I ain't never been posted in this territory.  FANSHAW Is it worth the risk? LEM [shrug noise]  Time to time a man wants a bath and a night in a bed. FANSHAW There are some distinct benefits to being deceased. LEM [laughs]    I don't gotta listen to you bellyaching about aches and pains and sleeping on the ground no more.  Never mind being all prissy and citified about finding you a comf'table bush now and then-- FANSHAW [rolling eyes]  Yes, yes. LEM Sides, I'm outta coffee.  And low on shells.  FANSHAW [teasing] Heavens.  How DO you manage? 2_STROLLING AMB IN TOWN SOUND WALKING ON WOOD LEM Lotta trade hereabouts.  Reckon I'll be able to get what all I need. FANSHAW Lem!  LEM [voice low]    We'll go on over yonder.  [beat] Must still be a fort within spitting distance.  FANSHAW I did notice that the old fortification appears to have become the mansion for an authority of some kind.  LEM Probly best to get my business done and skeddaddle. SOUND SALOON DOOR OPENS, JUST OFF, PEOPLE COME OUT FANSHAW I say.  Isn't it a bit early for a drink? LEM [shrug] Three weeks.  Don't seem early to me. FANSHAW I'll-- LISETTE [off a bit] Clary? FANSHAW [stunned and horrified] Oh god. LISETTE [off a bit] Clary?  I'd know that voice anywhere! LEM Friend o'yourn? FANSHAW [stiff, covering]  Old acquaintance.  Go on ahead! LEM 3_SALOON SOUND HE WALKS INTO SALOON AMB SALOON LEM One here. SOUND DRINK POURED BARTENDER There you go. SOUND COINS SOUND LEM DRINKS GRISHAM [angry growl] Lemuel Roberts. LEM [SPIT-TAKE] SOUND GLASS SLAMMED DOWN BARTENDER Something wrong, fella? LEM [coughing, trying to clear his throat]    Hit like a snakebite. GRISHAM You look at me, you pissant slab of gun leather. BARTENDER [sympathetic] Tarnation.  You need it yonked?  Barber can‑‑ LEM [finally getting clear] No, no.  I kin handle it.  SOUND COINS, GLASS DOWN LEM   And sorry about the-- BARTENDER [dismissive] Ain't no nevermind. SOUND MORE COINS LEM Give me the bottle. GRISHAM Now I found you, you could float a heap o rotgut and won't never drown me! BARTENDER You drink more careful now, you hear? LEM 4_LISETTE AMB OUTSIDE LISETTE [close, laughing] Oh, good lord, look at you!  Mustache and all.  Aren't you a little brigadier? FANSHAW [acknowledging] Carmichael. LISETTE Oh, how formal.  Just like at school.  What have you been up to Clary, dear? FANSHAW "Fanshaw," if you please. LISETTE And we used to be such chums.  However did you end up here? FANSHAW I'm quite sorry to see that you are dead, Carmichael. LISETTE [laughing] Oh, I rather doubt that!  You're only very sad to see that I'm here, aren't you? FANSHAW Would you prefer that I said I am pleased to find that you died, since that would be the only circumstance that could ever have stopped you from tormenting every living soul around you? LISETTE [not amused any more]  At least that would be closer to the truth. FANSHAW Jolly good.  Happy you're dead.  Must get along. LISETTE Don't run off so quickly, Clary!  FANSHAW [long breath of self-control]  LISETTE There's been no one interesting to talk to or listen in on for simply ages.  FANSHAW How unfortunate.  Must rush. LISETTE I noticed you speaking to that fellow. FANSHAW [quiet] Bloody hell.  [up]  I speak to a lot of people. LISETTE I'm sure.  But he replied.  Might I speak with him as well? FANSHAW I-- LISETTE Oh, just watch your face!  You're trying desperately to come up with a lie!  You never could hide anything from me, mustache or no mustache, silly Clary-- FANSHAW Stop calling me that. LISETTE Oh, how I've missed these little moments with my dearest friends - ever since I made the leap.  I shall have to spend a great deal of time with you - and with your rugged looking friend.  FANSHAW [gritted teeth] Jolly good. 5_SALOON2 AMB SALOON SOUND LEM DRINKS, SLAMS DOWN GLASS GRISHAM I know you kin hear me, you toad-bellied worm. SOUND CHAIR SHIFTS, KICKED OUT FROM TABLE LEM [low] Sit. GRISHAM What makes you think I'd sit with you?  You done went and killed me! LEM That's one reason I'm plumb surprised to see you.  You went down all the way to Fayetteville - damn far north o' here. GRISHAM I ... drifted. LEM That's just what's got me hornswoggled.  Ain't no one drifts. GRISHAM Well I did, and I's planning to get you back for what you done, one way or t'other. LEM [sigh] SOUND DRINK POURS 6_PIGS SOUND PIGS LEM Why'd you drag me out to the slaughterhouse? FANSHAW That woman - ghost woman. LEM An old flame? FANSHAW Nonsense!  We knew each other as ... children.  She is-- [changing the subject] She is unlikely to follow us here.  LEM Spect not.  Womenfolks ain't fond of this sort of messy business. FANSHAW [disgusted] Yes... LEM So?  You'd best'a brought me here fer a reason. FANSHAW Lisette Carmichael.  She [hard to say] is a person who likes to know things.  About other people.  She likes to -- LEM Hold a grudge?  Like a noose over yer head? FANSHAW Aptly put.    LEM You cain't have much in the way of dark secrets, though, can you?  Leastways not no more. FANSHAW You might be surprised. LEM Who's she a-gonna tell?  [realizes] Oh.  FANSHAW And while I'm fairly certain you think you could overlook any past indiscretion on my  part, I don't doubt there are a few things that might shock even you.  Lord knows, she's not even above the occasional fabrication. LEM [after a moment]  Did it involve a sheep? FANSHAW What? LEM Whatever it was you done. FANSHAW   It isn't - it's not like that at all. LEM [shrug] Sounds like we should jest ride on out. FANSHAW What? LEM Got my coffee, ain't no reason to lollygag. FANSHAW You would leave?  Over this? LEM I figger you saved m'life more'n once, and ain't much I can do in return.  SOUND WALKING IN MUD LEM Let's get gone before you start a-thanking me. 7_BARN AMB BARN SOUND TACK, HORSES, ETC. LEM You distract her, I'll get the gear.  Come and find me when you feel the pull. FANSHAW Righty-ho.  SOUND LEAVES GRISHAM Running away, eh?  Allus knew you'ure yella. LEM [sigh]  You're lucky ain't no one about but us.  Otherwise, I wouldn’t dignify none of that with an answer. GRISHAM You kilt me! LEM We had it out, fair and square.  I never shot no one in-- [breaks off, a bit choked up]  I never din't kill any one not a-gunning fer me.  Not on purpose. SOUND LAST BIT OF TACKING UP GRISHAM Are you saying I was asking fer it? LEM I seem to recall you a-calling me out in the middle of a fairish game of cards.  Yellin blue bloody murder that I should step out and face you. GRISHAM Well, yeah, but I was drunk. LEM I din't do THAT to you neither.  You called me out, without no good reason agin me. GRISHAM [losing some of his bluster] I fancied making a name for myself. SOUND LEM GETS INTO THE SADDLE LEM By shooting the Kid?  You ain't the first. GRISHAM But you still kilt me. LEM And I won't never forget none of it, but you got what you asked for, and not a jot more.  Blame providence if you cain't blame yerself, but don't put this guilt on me.  Hee-yaw! SOUND RIDES OFF 8_DISTRACTION FANSHAW Lisette? LISETTE There you are!  Just like a naughty boy, running off to filthy places to get away. FANSHAW So sorry.  Didn't have much choice.  My friend is quite fascinated by... hogs. LISETTE Did you make a clean breast of it?  Or just warn him not to believe a thing I say?  FANSHAW You don't understand what you're threatening to do - you never did.  LISETTE So bothered over trifles!  How much people change! FANSHAW Ruining someone's life never meant anything to you!  Do you recall poor Selfridge? LISETTE Carmela?  Served her right.  FANSHAW She threw herself off a bridge! LISETTE She also let herself be compromised!  I didn't put her in the family way, and she was the one lying and hiding-- FANSHAW Are you trying to imply that you are somehow in the right?  A champion of truth? LISETTE Shall I point out what it is you are doing that flies in the face of nature? FANSHAW History is replete with-- LISETTE Oh, spare me.  Next you'll be quoting Shakespeare. FANSHAW Very well.  I shan't try and justify myself, but I will point out that whatever I am doing, it cannot be changed.  Being dead, there's not much one can do about such trifles. LISETTE Then why should it be such a catastrophe were I to tell? FANSHAW [beat] You've never had a real friend, only people who fawned on you in order that you would not reveal their shortcomings.  LISETTE [outraged] I--?  You--! FANSHAW Kindly allow me to finish.  There is a certain camaraderie among men that simply does not - cannot - occur once a woman is involved.  Once you put your nose in, I fear it would never be quite the same. LISETTE No doubt.  I'll just go and find your friend now, shall I? FANSHAW [strange gasp, ending on a laugh]  No, but I think I shall. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVING NOISE CLOSING         Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 2 1_MOSEYING AMB OPEN COUNTRYSIDE, nighttime SOUND HORSES WALKING LEM I still cain't reckon how he got so far from where he-- I-- where we had it out. FANSHAW How odd.  Have you ever encountered other ghosts who could travel? LEM Present comp'ny only. FANSHAW And we know the how and why of that.  Perhaps this fellow has a similar... arrangement? LEM How?  And who with?  Ain't no one would carry that ugly cuss a dog's walk, let alone some hundred miles. FANSHAW Well, every one of we "spirits" seems to be a bit different. LEM Like your lady friend back there? FANSHAW [sigh] From her current appearance and [disapproving] "costume", she had fallen on ‑ahem- hard times indeed.  Possibly drifted west - whilst alive - in hopes of making something better for herself.  LEM Lot of people can say that, out this way. FANSHAW [a bit snotty] Frankly I'm not surprised at her misfortune.  When you alienate all those around you, no one will step in to help if things take a turn for the worse. LEM Cain't say I ain't never been that fella. FANSHAW [chagrined] Oh.  MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK NOTE Lem is younger, more cocky, more superior in the falshback - need to really show who he used to be 2_THE OLD KID AMB SALOON LEM Gimme two. SOUND CARDS LEM [pleased noise]  I'll see you and raise-- SOUND CROWD HUSHES GRISHAM [snarling declaration] I hear tell the Deadeye Kid's here in town? LEM [ignoring him, smug] Raise ten. DEALER [shaky] Uh, Kid? GRISHAM Which one o' y'all's sposed to be this weasel? LEM Your call. PLAYER1 [shaky] Um...  I fold. LEM [chuckles] PATRON1 How can he--? Patron2 Shh! SOUND HEAVY SPURRED BOOTS CROSS FLOOR, PEOPLE SCUTTLE OUT OF WAY GRISHAM [heavy menace]  You the deadeye kid? LEM [offhanded] I'm the man playing a nice civil hand of cards.  Mebbe you can hold your hosses there, whistle stomper. GRISHAM Either you come out and face me now, or I swear'n I'm gonna shoot you where you sit. SOUND CHAIRS SCOOTING OUT, PEOPLE LEAVING TABLE LEM [long dramatic sigh]  Now that sounds a mite like a threat. PLAYER1 [muttered] Uh, yeah.  I'm done.  Fergot my wife wants me home. GRISHAM Are you coming, or am I shooting? LEM If everyone's takin' leg, I guess I win by forfeit? DEALER Um, I don't think anyone's gonna argue you on that. GRISHAM You turn around now and face me, you yellow bellied dog! SOUND MONEY BEING SHOVED TOGETHER LEM Give the frog a chance to jump, knuckles.  Cain't just leave all this layin around. SOUND G's GUN DRAWN AND COCKED GRISHAM Now! LEM [to dealer, cocky] You'll look after this til I get back? DEALER .. certainly. GRISHAM I'll do it!  I will! SOUND CHAIR SLOWLY MOVES, LEM'S SPUR-STEPS, STANDS LEM Rightchere in front of all these good folks?  And leave the dealer to clean up the mess?  [tsks]  Let's at least be civilized and take this on outside. 3_EASIER MUSIC BACK TO NOW SOUND HORSES WALKING FANSHAW Seems as if it would be a great deal easier. LEM Whazzat? FANSHAW Shooting someone in the back. LEM And killin a chicken's easier than takin down a buffalo, but ain't a thing to swell over.  Ain't no pride in the easy way.  FANSHAW Backshooting would gain you notoriety just as quickly. LEM It's all about how folks look at you... and how they see you. MUSIC BACK TO FLASHBACK 4_WARMUP GRISHAM Are you stepping? LEM What flavor of tarantula juice got you fit to wake snakes?  Milk?  [insulting that he can't hold his liquor] GRISHAM [furious noise]  I got a pill to run you on, and I'm gonna chew back every moment of it. LEM [to the crowd] Righchere's a rumbustious fellow for you.  SOUND DRINKS DOWN HIS LIQUOR, SLAMS IT DOWN LEM Barkeep?  Have me a shot of top mark waitin. SOUND WALKS OUT, SLOWLY GRISHAM You look at me while I'm a talking to you! LEM [walking out] You say somethin' more wheat than chaff, mebbe I will. 5_RATTLING FANSHAW Were you trying to upset his equilibrium? LEM What's that when it's at home? FANSHAW uh - Throw him off - make him upset and more likely to make mistakes. LEM   Yup.  There's as much head as hand in a proper showdown.  Not that this was one o' them. FANSHAW Why not?  He called you out. LEM He was halfway round on rotgut.  Not a nugget's chance agin me.  Even if he had all his [careful] equilibriums about him. FANSHAW But you stepped out with him?  Even knowing he had no chance? LEM A'course.  He wouldn't take no.  Drunk fellers who ain't gettin their way are as likely to shoot just about anyone.  I reckoned I was a-helpin, putting him down. FANSHAW [a bit touchy] And you couldn't simply injure him or knock him out - he had to die? LEM Ain't no place for fine feelins when there's a man with a gun a-facin you.  And ain't no time to aim all purty and shoot him just so.  You hit hard and put him down, cause if you don't, he'll do it to you.  That's the part you cain't get away from - one or t'other's likely for boot hill, and you GOTTA face it that way. 6_SHOWDOWN MUSIC BACK TO FLASHBACK SOUND OUTSIDE NOW GRISHAM You ready? LEM Why trouble yerself to call me out anyhow?  I kill someone yer riled over? GRISHAM [duh] Yer the Deadeye Kid! LEM [duh] Yep.  [beat] That's your sole entire reason?  You wanna walk in my boots? GRISHAM No faster way to make a name, than laying out a name. SOUND THEY MOVE TO EITHER SIDE OF THE SOUNDSCAPE SOUND GUN BEING CHECKED, LEM LEM And o'course it gots to be a callout.  [digsut, sarcasm] No one wants to be the next Robert Ford.  [man who backshot his friend Jesse James] GRISHAM Come on!  Kick it up, Deadeye!  Less'n yer yellow! SOUND LEM - DIRT PATTERS - checking the wind] LEM [maddenginly cool] Oh.  I'm ripe and ready to drop. SOUND TENSION NOISE, CROWD NOISE, THEN SUDDEN FLURRY OF GUNFIGHT. SOUND G - BODY DROP SOUND LEM - GUN INTO HOLSTER.  A MOMENT.  FEET WALK BACK UP INTO SALOON 7_ENJOY MUSIC BACK TO NOW FANSHAW [relenting a bit] I suppose it's very like being in battle - not a good place to have consideration for the other fellow. LEM Have to ice over that pond.  Hard and cold.  Hard and cold. FANSHAW I- I do apologize for sounding disapproving.  I want to assure you, it's the process that... well... seems so very pointless. LEM [a litle lighter] Men'll be men. FANSHAW But men can behave in a civilized manner!  Look at we Brits. LEM [grunt - half laugh half dismissive] FANSHAW Do you enjoy it? LEM [very mixed feelings] Enjoy? FANSHAW Throughout history there have been men who reveled in killing, in battle. LEM   [musing] There's a fire that burns you at that moment, like bugs in the skin. LEM S'like the best whiskey and the moment you almost fall off a cliff, and being with the love of your life, all at the same damn time.  FANSHAW The thrill of danger? LEM That, but even more so.  If'n you just want danger, you go climbin cliffs or breakin broncs.  This is starin into the eyes of death - death right there and then and ain't no "maybe so" about it.  Kill or be killed.  [beat, then not quite truthful]  Enjoy?    FANSHAW Sometimes a person's strength is in making the right choice, even when it might pain them to do so. LEM I reckon. 8_WINNER MUSIC FLASH BACK AMB INSIDE SALOON, HUSHED SOUND GUNSHOT, OUTSIDE WOMAN [gasps] SOUND [CROWD NOISE, OUTSIDE], THEN OMINOUS BOOTS ON WOOD, SALOON DOOR OPENS SOUND PIANO PLAYS, CHATTER BEGINS AGAIN LEM [voiceover]  there's also this way people have of lookin at you - like yer the best.  Used be I din't see the fear beneath it. SOUND BOTTLE POURS, GLASS SET DOWN BARTENDER Your shot, Mister. LEM [drinks big, then bragging] My second shot in two minutes! SOUND Forced laughter from the crowd, warps out a bit. 9_HUNKER MUSIC BACK TO NOW LEM [brisk] It's coming down dusk.  Need to find a place to hunker fer the night. FANSHAW I shall keep an eye out for-- [dread] oh! LEM Whazzat? FANSHAW Look - the horizon! LEM Signal fires, and a lot of em.  FANSHAW They're a little far off to get a better look at.  We shall... have to return, shan't we? LEM Someone's gotta warn the town.  Whether it's injuns or sumpin else, looks like an ambush on the march. FANSHAW [weakly] Surely the garrison maintains lookouts? LEM Not so much that I saw.  They're purt near closed up shop, from the looks back there.  FANSHAW [heavy sigh]  Right, then.  SOUND DISMOUNT, SHIFTING A FEW THINGS FROM HORSE TO HORSE LEM You worried about your lady friend? FANSHAW She's neither a lady nor a friend.  But whatever she might have to say will matter to none but me.  [change of tone]  We are a couple of hours out. LEM Horses ain't fresh, but I weren't pushin.  We can get back before them out there can get into spittin distance. SOUND MOUNT OTHER HORSE FANSHAW [resigned but determined] Shall we? MUSIC     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 3 1_WONT SPOOK SOUND READYING FOR BATTLE LEM If'n you got a fresh horse, I kin go scout some fer you. COMMANDER You've done enough already, stranger.  Ain't even your fight. LEM I know where they're at, and I got some idea of where they're likely to be by the time I get back there.  Give me one horse ain't like to spook, and I'll-- COMMANDER I'll have to send a man along with you. LEM That's fine.  Make sure he ain't like to spook neither. 2_LISETTE SOUND [above scene plays out in the background] LISETTE And here I thought you had run away and left me all alone.  FANSHAW [sigh] Why don't we step outside to have this conversation? LISETTE   I like seeing what the "menfolk" are up to.  [frustrated noise] What I wouldn’t give to be able to leave this rattletrap town.  I'm still not sure how you did that.  Or why you came back. FANSHAW We had to warn the garrison. LISETTE Always full of suprises, aren't you - and yet still sanctimonious.  Fanshaw, dear old chum.  Are you not afraid of what I might say? FANSHAW Any concern you might cause me is negligible when weighed against the potential danger to others. LISETTE [surprised laugh]  Hah!  All you superior little snobs, with your noses in the air!  And deep down, all just as afraid as the rest of us. FANSHAW I've no idea what you're talking about, and I don't care to find out.  Whatever you plan to do, just get on with it.  We have a job to do. LISETTE Wait! FANSHAW [long sigh]  Yes? LISETTE Shall I wish you "good luck"? FANSHAW I doubt I shall need any.  But I thank you for the sentiment, Miss Carmichael, however grudgingly bestowed. 3_JULIET FLASHBACK JULIET Romeo, doff thy name, And for that name which is no part of thee Take all myself. FANSHAW I take thee at thy word: Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized; Henceforth I never will be Romeo. JULIET What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night So stumblest on my counsel? ROMEO By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am: My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself-- SOUND POUNDING LISETTE Oh heavens!  Not again! MAN [calling from off] Sorry. SOUND POUNDING STOPS LISETTE Try that scene again from the top.  Romeo? FANSHAW [sigh] Yes? LISETTE Couldn't you try to be a bit more ... masculine? JULIET Oh, I like "him".  So terribly byronic. FANSHAW I'll see what I can do. 4_SCOTTY SOUND PACKING A HORSE SCOTTY Sir? LEM Yeah? SCOTTY Private Scott.  Commander Bennington told me to report to you. LEM [sigh] Right.  You ever shot that for real? SCOTTY O'course. LEM Against a person? SCOTTY Well, against animals. LEM GRISHAM Not everyone can be you. LEM [sighs] SCOTTY Don't you worry!  I ain't afraid! GRISHAM This pullet ain't even got pinfeathers yet.  You get him killed, you gonna adda a notch fer him too? LEM You got a horse, Scott? SCOTTY Everyone calls me Scotty. GRISHAM Later, they'll just call him dead. LEM   Right.  You gotta horse? SCOTTY Over there. GRISHAM [rueful] My damn horse.  Serving in the army like the rest of the idjets.  LEM Well, go and get'im. SCOTTY Right, sir! GRISHAM Ain't he a little young?  You should oughtta throw him back. LEM I'm stuck with him.  And I never kept notches. GRISHAM That ain't what I heered. LEM Lot o' tales goin round - ain't a one of 'em naught but sagebrush smoke. GRISHAM And the tale 'bout how you kilt me? LEM [sharp intake] I don't brag on none o' that no more. GRISHAM So, you think I like being plumb forgot? LEM If I thought tellin about it would ease you on to the next thing, you think I wouldn't? SCOTTY Tell me about what?  Injuns?  [certain] I know all about them. LEM [sigh] 5_SCOUTING AMB CRICKETS SOUND HORSES FANSHAW They're still out of range.  I can just barely catch snippets of sound at my farthest reach, but I'm fairly certain it is not Indians. LEM Hmm? FANSHAW I can make out English and Spanish.  Are we anywhere near the Mexico territories? LEM [quiet] Ain't impossible.  Deserters, mebbe. SCOTTY What ain't impossible? LEM We're gettin close.  Best to go on foot.  SCOTTY These here horses are my responsibility! LEM Best you stay and watch'em, then.  FANSHAW Don't forget the satchel. SOUND CREAK LEM Like I'd forget that. SCOTTY I wouldna gone through your kit or nothin!  I ain't no finger monkey. FANSHAW [laughs]  I ne'er heard that one before. SOUND REMOVING SPURS LEM Ain't that I don't trust you, son, just might need me some things.  If I was you, I'd take them horses up yonder - forge as far into the high rough as you can, but keep where you can see if I come tearin out of there.  You reckon? SCOTTY How'll you find us? LEM I'll find you.  Just be ready.  And don't shoot me. SOUND QUIET FEET ON DIRT 6_JULIET2 FLASHBACK echoey hallway LISETTE [running up] Fanshaw? FANSHAW LISETTE [trying to start a fight] We've been reconsidering your costume.  Those leggings are positively scandalous. FANSHAW [bland] Romeo can hardly appear in bloomers.  Would be rather difficult to climb to the balcony. LISETTE Perhaps plain trousers, then.  [sly] Though I understand you were quite keen on showing off your legs. FANSHAW [rueful] There is a great deal to be said for the freedom of movement.  [dismissive] But a costume is a costume.  I certainly shan't make a fuss. LISETTE [annoyed at not being able to get a rise out of F] Very well. 7_FANSHAW SCOUTS SOUND SLIGHT RUSTLE OF LEAVES LEM [very quiet] Close enough? FANSHAW I'll have a look round.  SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM [very loud] You hiding from something? LEM [reaction noise, quickly stifled] GRISHAM Ooh!  Scairt you, din't I? LEM [whispered] Made me jump damn near out my skin. GRISHAM [smug and evil] Well that's good, then.  Looks like I can get my own back on you. LEM What all do you want? GRISHAM Apart from you in a pine box?  I'm hankerin to be alive agin, but that ain't gon happen. LEM Not likely, nope.  How'd you follow us? GRISHAM What kind of tenderfoot you take me for that I can't follow my own damn horse? LEM [half realizing something] Damn. SOUND FANSHAW COMES BACK FANSHAW Who the devil is this? GRISHAM Who the devil are you? LEM What'd ya find out? FANSHAW A motley crew, but definitely girding themselves for battle.  GRISHAM What kinda girlie man are ya?  Highfaluting slicker talk! FANSHAW [sigh, but determined] They're half mounted already, but I could make out that they're waiting til after midnight, to make certain of finding as many people abed as possible. GRISHAM Put you in a dress, and I bet everyone'd wanna dance! FANSHAW We need to get moving. GRISHAM I think you need a shave, girlie man. SOUND KNIFE FANSHAW [finally breaking concentration] God damn you all to hell! SOUND PUNCH, KNEE TO GROIN LEM [trying not to laugh] GRISHAM FANSHAW Marquis of Queensbury be damned.  We need to go. GRISHAM [different kind of ooooh - like he's falling, or being dragged off] SOUND SUCK NOISE AND GRISHAM VANISHES LEM What'd you do to him? FANSHAW I didn't!  I couldn't-- I... haven't the faintest idea?  8_JULIET3 SOUND TAP ON DOOR LISETTE Fanshaw? FANSHAW Come in. LISETTE I've brought you your hat-- whatever are you doing? FANSHAW I was considering what I might do with my hair.  To create the right ilusion. LISETTE That is what the HAT is for. FANSHAW I prefer not.  It looks like an ottoman on my head.  LISETTE And Romeo does not wear a moustache. FANSHAW Whyever not? LISETTE On the stage, moustaches are only for villains and army colonels! FANSHAW [considering] I might just cut my hair. LISETTE That is the final straw!  Miss Peabody said this would happen. FANSHAW What? LISETTE That you would take too many liberties.  You are out. FANSHAW Out? LISETTE [snidely satisfied] You are no longer a member of this production. 9_DEAD SCOTT SOUND QUIET BOOTSTEPS LEM [very quiet] Scotty? FANSHAW [off a bit] Oh, good god. LEM Do I need to keep quiet? FANSHAW I don't see anyone.  .. hostile. SOUND QUICK, NOISIER FOOTSTEPS SCOTTY [as if waking up] Oooh! LEM What is--  [tragic regret] Ohh. SCOTTY They come in out of nowheres! FANSHAW I don't doubt it. SCOTTY And they took the damn horses, Mister Roberts! FANSHAW I think that just might explain-- SCOTTY And who in blue blazes is this feller? LEM [heavy sigh]  CLOSING       Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 4 1_DROP EVERYTHING SOUND UNBUCKLING, BAG DOWN, ETC. LEM Good thing I had that with me.   Though now I gotta leave it. SOUND SATCHEL DOWN FANSHAW Of course. SCOTTY I'm really sorry about this, sir. LEM I doubt me you coulda stopped it, son.  And you been punished enough. SCOTTY What do you mean?  They musta knocked me out, but I don't even feel it. FANSHAW I'll deal with him. LEM I'll leave you to it.  SCOTTY What are you doing? LEM Gonna haveta hoof it back to town - cain't take naught but my guns.  You gon' be all right? SOUND RUSTLE OF BUSHES FANSHAW Well, we won't be able to do much to stop them if they came across your bag, but that looks like a good hiding place.  Especially in the dark. SCOTTY Can't do anything?  What are you talking about?  FANSHAW Hush, Scotty.  Let Lem get moving and we'll have a good long talk. SOUND BOOTS RUN OFF 2_REBEL CAMP SOUND MANY HORSES, MEN CHATTER, etc. SOUND GRISHAM STUMBLES IN GRISHAM Where the hell?   [Thunder?]!  Goddam rustlers!  SOUND MEN WALK BY LEADER Two horses, two saddles.  I don't like it. SECOND Guerrero had the kid down before we realized.  But if there's another scout, he won't be able to get anywhere - at least not soon enough.   LEADER [thinks, then definite] We must move up the charge. SECOND We're nearly ready.  3_NO HEAVEN SCOTTY [trying not to cry] So that's IT?  I mean this is it?  No nothing left?  No heaven? FANSHAW There are so many things even I don't understand.  I wish I could offer you more in the way of consolation. SCOTTY But don’t no one ever pass along? FANSHAW Most do.  And I'm even aware of those who spend some time like this, and then pass on, though there's no easy answer for how or why it happens. SCOTTY And I won’t never even get to be with a woman. FANSHAW [uncomfortable] Oh, dear.  That is a shame. SCOTTY What's it like? FANSHAW [dread] What is ... what... like? SCOTTY Being with a woman? FANSHAW ... 4_RUNNING LEM [heavy but measured breathing] SOUND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS - TROT, NOT DASH LEM [muttered] Dammit.  Leastways there's a good moon. 4A_FLASHBACK MUSIC FLASHBACK SOUND NIGHT, DOGS, CHICKENS - ALARUMS SOUND ANGRY MOB, OFF ROBERTS [yelling, off]  Leastways, there's a good moon!  PIEDMONT [up close, heavy breathing, trying to be quiet] ROBERTS [off, yelling]  Spread out!  Don't let that traitor get away!  Where's that rope? PIEDMONT [gasp, then trying to breathe even quieter] SOUND VERY SLOW CREAK, SHUTTING DOOR ON THE NOISE. YOUNG LEM [about 12] Whatchoo doin', mister? PIEDMONT [terrible gasp, smothers a scream] 6_EXPERIENCE FANSHAW My experience is not ... vast, but I have had one or two ... romantic encounters. SCOTTY Well, you're a man of the world, ain't you?  You been all over the place! FANSHAW Oh dear.  [up]  I've spent most of my life deep in study.  I suppose I've always felt there would be time - later - to settle down to a family and all.  SCOTTY Me too.  Not the studying, but the ... "later". FANSHAW [after a moment]  Women are.... soft. SCOTTY [eager] Yeah? FANSHAW And round.  In places where men aren't. SCOTTY But they do got legs, don't they? FANSHAW [flabbergasted]  What? SCOTTY You never don't see none of them out of skirts!  Who knows what they got under there? FANSHAW Well, that I can answer - generally, women are made the same as men.  Arms, legs, heads - well, one head.  You understand. SCOTTY [avid] And bosoms. FANSHAW   Yes, that. 7_VARMINT SOUND RUNNING, LEM'S HEAVY BREATHING UNDER THIS? PIEDMONT Shh!  Don't let anyone know I am here. YOUNG LEM You the varmint they's looking fer? PIEDMONT There is no call to use such language, boy.  Do you know this area? YOUNG LEM I should hope I do!  My pa's Mr. Jorgenson's top man. PIEDMONT [sarcastic] So he's the one leading the search. YOUNG LEM [pride] Yup. SOUND OUTSIDE, THE ROW GETS CLOSER ROBERTS [outside]  Get him, Honeysuckle, there's a good bitch! YOUNG LEM [pride and fear] That's my pa! PIEDMONT But you're not going to tell him I am in here? YOUNG LEM I don't fancy getting whupped.  I ain't sposed to be in the barn at night.  8_YOUNG LOVE FANSHAW I was in love.  When I was very young. SCOTTY Was she really purtty? FANSHAW [sigh] I thought the sun rose and set with my beloved's face.  Have you ever seen hair so fine and blonde that your fingers desperately wanted to touch it? SCOTTY You talk so flowery, I bet all the girls jest love you! FANSHAW Our parents objected.  They said we were too young, and I was packed off to school. SCOTTY What didja do? FANSHAW I waited.  I nursed my deep love, and remained constant, like patience on a rock. SCOTTY You waited on a rock? FANSHAW I waited at school.  I was determined that one day, when we were old enough that no one could object, I would return and we would be joined forever. SCOTTY What happened? FANSHAW I made my way to the object of my affection and...discovered... SCOTTY Yes? FANSHAW That I was the only one who had bothered to wait. SCOTTY She'd gone and -- FANSHAW My "dearest love" had married another.  Had, and I quote "almost forgotten about that summer." SCOTTY Damn!  Women are right terrible. FANSHAW Don't fault women, boy.  There are quite as many constant and sweet-natured females as there are fickle and wicked men.  We all deserve a "heaping helping" of the blame. 8_DISCOVERED SOUND UNDER - LEM WALKING NOW, STILL BREATHING HARD, PACING HIMSELF YOUNG LEM They're fixing to hang you? PIEDMONT YOUNG LEM Why?  What for? PIEDMONT We were on opposite sides in a fight. YOUNG LEM You mean the war?    My pa says why keep slaves when you can hire men for even cheaper and don't have to sell them if'n they don't do the job right. PIEDMONT [incensed] You think your pa knows so much about everything, don't you? YOUNG LEM [a bit afraid] Well, he knows where you are. SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN ROBERTS There he is! MAN Get him! PIEDMONT [scream] SOUND SCUFFLE, KNIFE DRAWN YOUNG LEM [gasp, cut off by hand] PIEDMONT I'll kill your boy, just see if I won't! 10_STUCK SCOTTY You said you know about some folks what was like this for a time and then moved along? FANSHAW   We've encountered one or two. SCOTTY How'd it work? FANSHAW Work? SCOTTY I mean, I don't wanna be stuck out here, middle o' nowhere, all by my lonesome, forever! FANSHAW I don't know that I have an answer for you.  I've only been - like this - for a... a couple of years, myself, and haven't seen a fraction of what Lem has. SCOTTY Years?  You been dead for years and ain't moved on? FANSHAW .. help people.  And I get to see the world - [half pleased, half rueful] hmph... in perfect safety.  11_SHOT SOUND LEM RUNNING AGAIN PIEDMONT [panicky, but trying to be placating] I am going to have to ask you to take a step back, sir!  My hand could slip a fraction of an inch, and that's all it would take.   YOUNG LEM [gasp]  Pa? SOUND GUNSHOT SOUND TWO BODY DROPS ROBERTS [cold] You understand we cain't leave that kind of critter running loose, don't you? 12_BUSINESS FANSHAW Some folks stay because they have unfinished business, and once the business is completed, they are able pass on.  SCOTTY Business?  I ain't never been in business. FANSHAW No, no.  For instance, one young man was able to move along once his murderer was uncovered and hung. SCOTTY   I spose that could happen. FANSHAW Or perhaps when the horses have been recovered, since that was your task at the time of your death. SCOTTY [very down] Oh, right. FANSHAW [cheering]  Or, when the town has been warned.  That could very well have been at the forefront of your thoughts. SCOTTY [wailing] Oh no!  FANSHAW Whatever is the matter? SCOTTY What if it's ladies? FANSHAW [careful] What if what is "ladies"? SCOTTY What if I can't never pass on til I been with a lady? FANSHAW [cold, practical] That would be most extremely awkward.  Worry about that once we find out if you can get back to town or not. 13_WHUPPING YOUNG LEM [sniffles a bit] ROBERTS You crying, boy? YOUNG LEM [stifling it] No sir. ROBERTS   Now run and let Mrs. Roberts have a look at that scratch. SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN TURN YOUNG LEM [blank] You shot him dead. ROBERTS YOUNG LEM In the dark, and on the draw, and din't even hit me. ROBERTS   [beat]  You asking something? YOUNG LEM What if he'd'a kilt me?  Or what if you did? ROBERTS [long pause]  Life's hard, boy.  You cain't let folks get away with wrongdoing, no matter who they got a grip on. YOUNG LEM SOUND BARN DOOR SWINGS OPEN, COUPLE OF STEPS ROBERTS Lem?  YOUNG LEM [almost a gasp] Yessir? ROBERTS [casual] Don't think I'm not gon' whale you for being in the barn by night, neither. [neeether] YOUNG LEM [quiet, resentful] Yes, sir. 14_CRICKET SCOTTY It ain't fair!  I'm being punished and I ain't never even done nothing! FANSHAW Life is not fair.  Death even less so.  SCOTTY I-- FANSHAW [cutting him off] Still, I expect there must be some sort of answer.  SCOTTY Answer? FANSHAW Very likely, when they take your body back to town, you will accompany it, and there will find what you need to do to pass on. SCOTTY What if they don't take it - me back? FANSHAW Lem will see that they do. SCOTTY   And what about you, Mister Fanshaw? FANSHAW What about me? SCOTTY Don't you get to pass on too? FANSHAW   But you see Scotty, I have no wish to. SCOTTY No?  Why? FANSHAW I still have many things to see.  And I feel like I'm doing good here.  There's a story I read some time back, a sort of fable, about a puppet that comes to life. SCOTTY That's crazy talk. FANSHAW That's why it's a story.  In the tale, a cricket is asked to stay with him and make sure he does the right things. SCOTTY All right.  Wait, a cricket, like a bug? FANSHAW A talking bug, but yes, a bug.  SCOTTY That’s just plumb crazy. FANSHAW   [gasp]  Look at the horizon!  I think they are on the move! SCOTTY Is there something we can do? FANSHAW This is one of those times I truly wish there was. CLOSING     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 5 1_COMING SOUND IN TOWN - HORSES, MEN, READYING FOR BATTLE COMMANDER [commands]  We need more shot at the western boundary!  Get someone over there! SOLDIER Yessir! SOUND FEET RUN OFF SHARPLY SOUND DISTANT APPROACH OF PAINED, SLOW RUNNING SOLDIER2 Sir!  Someone's coming!  On foot! COMMANDER On foot?  SENTRY [off] Halt! LEM [breathless, with long gasps] I can't... If I stop...  I'm gon fall down...  And I gotta get to...  The commander. SENTRY Stop, I say! COMMANDER Let him on through. LEM They're a-movin.  Deserters 'n comancheros.  Have guns.  COMMANDER Why are you-- LEM Kilt Scotty.  Took the horses.  Look sharp. Ungh! SOUND FALLS DOWN COMMANDER Are you all right?  [up] Someone get Doc! LEM I'll be [coughing fit] fine. Jest let me lie till the shakin goes off. 2_SPOOK HORSES SCOTTY We got to do something! FANSHAW And just what do you have in mind?  I've already done all I can, scouting them for Lem.  By the time they come close enough for us to get a look at, they will be moving fast enough that we shall hardly have time to observe. SCOTTY Can't we spook the horses or nothing?  That's what haints do, isn't it? FANSHAW I was with you the entire trip out from town.  Did the horses seem spooked to you? SCOTTY [really down] No. FANSHAW If Lem makes it back in time, there are ways we can help him.  Otherwise, we are merely spectators at this show. 3_TONIC DOC Can you get yourself around this? LEM [still hoarse, puffing] Tonic? DOC [shrug] Mostly brandy.  LEM [rusty chuckle] Thanks, doc. [drinks] LISETTE Oh, goodness.  I believe you are Fanshaw's dear friend.  LEM [coughs] DOC Din't say it was GOOD brandy. LEM [hawks, spits, clear throat]  Hits the spot.  LISETTE [calculating] And not able to walk away.  [cruel chuckle] How perfectly jolly. DOC The commander's gone off to rally the men, but they're like to need you to guide them.  You up fer it? LEM Will be... shortly.  Any chance of a mite to eat?  It's been a powerful long night, and not looking to roll up any time soon. 4_DO SOMETHING SCOTTY He's the only one what can hear us? FANSHAW We've come across... others.  But they are very rare. SCOTTY [yelling] I want to DO something!  I want to help! FANSHAW There is no need to make such a ... a ruckus!  I am in precisely the same predicament! SCOTTY But I-- GRISHAM [off]  Will you two shut up?  They're trying to sneak up on your position! FANSHAW Oh dear.  Come along. SCOTTY Where? FANSHAW To do the only productive thing - gather as much information as possible. 5_SADDLED SOUND MEN READY TO GO SOUND MOUNT UP LEM [sigh of relief, but also soreness]  COMMANDER You doing all right, there, feller? LEM Better saddle than boots.  I fair run the soles offa these. COMMANDER Morning comes, we'll stand you a new set.  Least we can do.  Let's go. SOUND HORSES MOVE OUT LEM Commander? COMMANDER Hmm? LEM Rather than meet them headlong, since ain't no way to know how far they come, might could I suggest a defensive position? COMMANDER This town is not a good place for that.  Too spread out.  And there's no way to get everyone into the fort, not without leaving near everything they own ripe for the picking. LEM Nah - I'm a-thinkin just this side of the bridge, right about halfway out.  Bridge and creek - they ain't much, but if we can catch them this side of it, put their backs to water, and use the treeline for cover-- COMMANDER I like the way you think, hombre.  [up] Company!  [attention!] 6_FIGHT GRISHAM Ain't no way you're taking me by surprise again, you-- ow! SOUND PUNCH FANSHAW [casual] shut up. SCOTTY That was a good'un! But what if he lands one on you - he's awful big! FANSHAW Leave him!  [quiet, moving away]  We can't actually be hurt.  But not everyone realizes that, and many feel the pain, even when there is no reason to.  I learned that the hard way. GRISHAM [off] I'm a-gonna get you! FANSHAW Blast!  He may not be able to harm me, but he can annoy and distract, and make it difficult to get anything constructive done. SCOTTY Maybe - maybe I could keep him from bothering you? FANSHAW How? SCOTTY Well, I been plumb angry since I got kilt, and my momma says sometimes the best way to get over anger, if you don't got no pie, is to-- GRISHAM Kill you, you girly man! SCOTTY [grunt as he punches him] GRISHAM oof! SCOTTY Better'n pie!  You go on, Mr. Fanshaw, and do what you gotta. FANSHAW Good lad. 7_GRANDKIDS LEM [muttered] Fanshaw?    Too far out.  COMMANDER What's the terrain like beyond the bridge? LEM Nothing much to speak of.  Some hills.  A ridge off to the north where first we saw them.  No place fer them to make a stand tween here and there, though. COMMANDER   Cain't let this sort of thing go.  LEM Course not.  COMMANDER You got the extra shot you needed, did you? LEM   Had to leave all o' mine cached back with Scotty. COMMANDER You're sure he's ... dead? LEM I'm afraid I do know dead when I see it. COMMANDER [sad] That's too bad. LEM Kin? COMMANDER   LEM [trying to ease] He went down fightin. COMMANDER That don't give my sister grandbabies. LEM [symp] Nope, it shore don't. 8_PIRATES SOUND MUCH CREEPING FANSHAW Looks like about three score.  Hardly a fair fight, sneaking up on a defenseless town at night.  Like pirates. 8A_FLASHBACK MUSIC FLASHBACK AMB BRIGHT SUNNY DAY NANNY Come along in now, bunny bug. YOUNG CLARA Stop calling me that, nanny!  I'm very nearly 10 years old. NANNY You'll always be my little bunny bug.  Oh!  Whatever is that tea towel doing on your head?  [gasp of fear]  Did you hurt yourself?  Show nanny! YOUNG CLARA No!  I am a pirate. NANNY Do not be so silly.  There are no pirates. YOUNG CLARA Of course there are.  They are in books, so they must be real. NANNY Besides, you cannot be a pirate. YOUNG CLARA Well not just NOW.  When I am bigger, I shall be able to do whatever I want. 9_WASPS COMMANDER Did you see how big a force they had? LEM Not to count them, but it was bigger'n I thought.  At least 30, probably more. COMMANDER [skeptical] Really? LEM They had a dozen cookin fires goin, and you don't make a fire to feed a lone fellow. COMMANDER [considers, then agrees] No, you don’t.  LEM 'Sides, better to expect a whole hive of wasps than be surprised by one too many. COMMANDER [chuckles]  Sound thinking.  [up]  Lieutenant! 10_BAG SOUND STILL MUCH MOVEMENT SOUND SCOTTY AND GRISHAM, FIGHTING SCOTTY [pleased] You tired yet, feller?  I ain't even blowed! GRISHAM [tired] You little whippersnapper!  Think you can pull a man's whiskers and walk away! FANSHAW [muttered] There are some distinct benefits to being dead.  More than he will ever know.  [gasp] No. RUFFIAN1 Hey!  I found something! SOUND CREAK OF LEATHER - LEM'S GEAR FANSHAW [worried] Damn!  Lem's bag! RUFFIAN2 What? SECOND Silence! RUFFIAN2 [whispered] bring it - we'll split it later! RUFFIAN1 Split it?  Nonsense!  It's mine, whatever it is! SECOND [whispered] Keep moving! 11_SCOUT AHEAD COMMANDER [ordering, but hushed] Take your men and circle round up thataway.  Get to high ground and cut off retreat. BOB Yessir! LEM If you don't mind, sir, I'us thinkin I might scout on up ahead a mite.  COMMANDER You aren't even being paid to be part of this, fellow, why do you keep risking yourself? LEM [shrug] Someone's gotta.  'sides I had to leave my kit behind, and wanna get it if I can before someone else lays hands on it. COMMANDER Valuables? LEM Nothin worth money, but some things cain't be replaced. COMMANDER [teasing a bit] Go on then, but if you see them coming, you'll come back and tell us first, eh? LEM [chuckle] I reckon. 12_LEAD ROPE SCOTTY Mister Fanshaw!  That fellow just vanished!  Like he flew away, whilst I was a-hittin on him! FANSHAW I fear I shall be gone shortly as well. SCOTTY Why? FANSHAW I am not sure of his reasons, but I must stay with the bag.  Now that it has been found... SCOTTY Why?  Keeping an eye on it? FANSHAW   There's something in there - Oh!  It's moving.  Stay with me as long as you can.  SCOTTY Why can't I--? FANSHAW Shh!  [very hurried] Picture a rope tied to something, say, to you - your body, over there.  And you are on the other end. SCOTTY Like a training rope? [ASK PAT] FANSHAW Basically, yes.  You can go anywhere, within the circle made by that rope. SCOTTY [figuring it out] So you're ... tied to that bag? FANSHAW Yes!  [gasp] Bloody thieves! SOUND FANSHAW SUCKED AWAY 13_BE A BOY YOUNG CLARA I am going to be a pirate!  I shall sail the seven seas and steal all the gold! NANNY Stealing is very wicked.  YOUNG CLARA But you can't be a pirate without stealing!  Then you're just a sailor! NANNY And young ladies do not become pirates.  Young ladies become mommies. YOUNG CLARA Or nannies. NANNY [reassuring] Don't fret yourself, bunny bug.  You shall be a mummy. YOUNG CLARA I should rather be a nanny.  Mummies are boring.  Nannies have things to do. NANNY [sigh] Mummies have things to do too. YOUNG CLARA I don't want to be a mummy, I want to be a pirate!  I want to see the world! NANNY [stern] There are many thing in this world, Clara Fanshaw, that are only meant for boys. YOUNG CLARA Then I want to be a boy! END     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 6 1_READY SOUND NIGHT, MEN BEING QUIET, HORSES OFF COMMANDER Yer sure you wanna go on out there, all on your own?? LEM I'm best on my own, and I don't want another of yer boys on my conscience. COMMANDER [acknowledging] Scotty. LEM If I can't see my way to get back and warn you quick enough, I'll shoot off twice-- COMMANDER [warning] They'll know you're there. LEM I kin look after myself.  Two shots means it's a-comin, and I spect after that there'ull be plenty more shots to keep y'all busy.  I best get a move on. COMMANDER One thing. LEM Yeah? COMMANDER One of my men swore he'd seen you before. LEM [down] Oh. COMMANDER And that you're the Deadeye kid. LEM I- COMMANDER [overriding, but clearly lying] I told him not to be so credulous.  Deadeye Kid looks nothing like that man that's about to save our town. LEM [realizing] Ri-ight. COMMANDER [serious] Don't make me a liar. LEM I kin only do my best. SOUND WALKS AWAY 2_BLACKGUARDS SOUND COMMOTION, MANY MEN, HORSES, TRAVELING LEADER [loud whisper] We'll leave the horses near the stream and sneak up. FANSHAW RUFFIAN2 [whisper] What's in that bag you found anyways? RUFFIAN1 [whisper] Ain't had no time, but it's shore heavy. RUFFIAN2 [whisper]  Heavy is good!  Mebbe it's gold! RUFFIAN1 Well, I still ain't sharing! FANSHAW Such stimulating conversation.  I wonder how far ahead of these ruffians I can manage to stay.  3_TALLYHO SOUND STEALTHY MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH, STOPS LEM   [angry hmph] They cain't be too damn far off.  And ridin. FANSHAW [distant]  Tally-ho!  LEM [starts to laugh but turns it into a snort] FANSHAW Halloooooo!  Halloo- [suddenly cut off] LEM What the devil?  [shrugs, to himself] Well, you can take care of your own damn self. SOUND RUNNING FEET TAKE OFF 4_STRUGGLE AMB IN THE ATTACK FORCE GRISHAM Now I gotcha sorted out! FANSHAW [muffled noises] SOUND STRUGGLING GRISHAM Oh, no you don't!  SOUND MORE STRUGGLE GRISHAM I finally figgered out cain't do nothing to hurt me.  Long as I ignore it.  But I can still keep a tight grip on you. FANSHAW [noise of effort] GRISHAM [ouch!] Hey!  You bit me!  FANSHAW Keep ahead of them!!!! GRISHAM   [disgusted noise] FANSHAW [to grisham] Damn you all to--[muffled again] GRISHAM Stop with all the wiggling, you stupid--  [stunned!] whatthehell? FANSHAW [noise of effort] SOUND STRUGGLE, BREAKS FREE GRISHAM You're a-- ?  FANSHAW You may be stronger than me, but I am faster. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM what the hell?  A female? 5_SIGNAL COMMANDER He's been gone a fair piece. SOUND [DISTANT] TWO GUN SHOTS COMMANDER [commanding, but quiet]  They're coming! SOUND [command passes along ranks - GET VOICES] COMMANDER [a bit superior]  I knew that that fellow was no sort of outlaw.  6_PLAN DOS LEADER Shots? SECOND Sir? LEADER   Someone has seen.  Get El puerco and his fellows.  Tell them plan dos. SECOND Plan dos, sir? LEADER They'll circle south and get behind the town.  We get some children in hand, no one will fight any more. SECOND Yessir! SOUND RUNS OFF SCOTTY [torn] I can't just let them-- [plaintive] but what can I do? 7_BUCKETFULL SOUND HORSES APPROACHING NOTE - Lem is lying in wait, letting the group go past, and plans to pick them off from behind. FANSHAW [distant but closer, yelling] Lem!  That dead friend of yours is about - watch out! LEM [muttered] Damn.  And I don' want to go shootin no good horse jest to lay a varmint like that down. SOUND HORSES BEGIN TO PASS LEM [very quietly] 30...?  Nearer fifty.  That's a bucketful of wasps. SOUND SHOTS!  (where the horses went to) LEM [muttered to self] hold on.  SOUND NO MORE HORSES COMING LEM [muttered] almost... GRISHAM There you are! LEM [sharp intake of breath]  That don't work on me twice.  Specially when I been warned. GRISHAM Oh, that girly friend of your'n?  Funny thing about that-- SOUND GRISHAM IS YANKED AWAY LEM Good riddance.  And jest in time. SOUND BEGINS SHOOTING MaN [shot, fall] 8_HOLD THE LINES COMMANDER [roaring now] Hold the lines!  More shot, boy! BOY Yessir! MAN [hit, argh!] COMMANDER Stay low! FANSHAW All seems rather well here.  GRISHAM There you are. FANSHAW Bloody hell. GRISHAM [nasty chuckle] I was just wondring - if I kin grab you, I bet I kin kiss you, little lady! FANSHAW [dodging] I doubt you'll catch me again, now that I'm watching for you, but I will admit that one advantage to being a ghost is that I needn't make an effort to remain upwind of you. SOUND FANSHAW OUT 9_RELOAD SOUND COMMOTION OFF, NOT RIGHT HERE SOUND RELOADING SOUND NEARBY HORSE PFFS LEM That's nine.  SOUND SLAPS GUN SHUT SCOTTY [distant, yelling] Someone!  They're circling round!  There's some fellers as are going south to get behind lines! LEM   [listens for a second]  Fanshaw?  Damn.  SCOTTY [yelling]  Please!  Don't let them hurt nobody in town. LEM [muttered] boy'll yell himself hoarse.  [chuckles]  dead don't get hoarse.  But I gotta get one.  [clucks to horse] SOUND HORSE BLOWS LEM [grunts as he swings into the saddle]  Come on. FANSHAW [a bit distant] Lem? LEM Wazzat?  There you are! FANSHAW Close as I can get just now, and can't stay.  That blighter keeps trying to grab me. LEM Grisham?  FANSHAW The commander seems to be holding well.  The villains have taken heavy losses and are starting to fall apart. LEM   Can you yell to Scotty, let him know I got his message? FANSHAW What message? LEM Just try and tell the boy.  So he can rest hisself.  [to the horse] Geeyah! SOUND HORSE TAKES OFF FANSHAW Scotty?  Can you hear me? 10_YOU STAY COMMANDER Let's clean this up - leave none of them to try and harm the town. CORPORAL Yessir! Should we capture them, or-- COMMANDER This is no time to be peaceable.  They set themselves up to attack a settlement, and we have to take serious measures. SOUND HORSE APPROACHING LEM [distant] Commander! COMMANDER Let him through.  [up, to Lem]  Looks like we've got nearly all of them.  SOUND GUNSHOTS DISTANT COMMANDER A bit of tidying up to do, but-- SOUND HORSE PULLS UP and STOPS LEM [to horse] Whoah!  I overheard a couple at the back, saying they had a force circlin south - dozen men mebbe - to get round any resistance and come up behind.  COMMANDER My god! LEM Horse up a few good men, load em up and come with me. COMMANDER You, boy! BOY Yessir? COMMANDER Bring my horse, quickly! LEM You're needed here, surely? COMMANDER You're the one who needs a rest, mister Roberts.  My corporal, here, will be happy to hear any other suggestions you might have, but I will be leading my men. LEM Sound thinkin.  I have been going a bit. COMMANDER Corporal? CORPORAL [acknowledging] Yes sir. FANSHAW Lem?  I think I got through to Scotty, but there's such a distance.  Poor lad, he merely wants to do his duty. SOUND LEM DISMOUNTS LEM Let's you and I see if we cain't root out a few more of these varmints.  I see purty well in the dark. CORPORAL Excellent!  FANSHAW I'll see what I can turn up. GRISHAM Found you! FANSHAW Oh, damn!  GRISHAM You ain't never getting away from me, you-- FANSHAW [hits out] GRISHAM [ungh!] FANSHAW Have to get him out of here, Lem.  Too distracting. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM [laughs triumphantly]  Coward!  But I don't suppose I should be surprised. LEM [quietly, but deadly serious] You don't stop making a fuss, I'm gon' kill your horse. GRISHAM What? LEM You sit still and be quiet or that horse yer so attached to is gonna find itself on the wrong end of a bullet.  You hear me? GRISHAM [all the bluster gone]  LEM   I don't fancy killin no animal just fer this, but this here's a battle-- SOUND GUNSHOT LEM [gasp, hit!] Damn! SOUND QUICKDRAW, GUNS BLAZE GRISHAM Hah!  I still gotcha! LEM [weakening, through gritted teeth] Din't no one see them a-sneakin up?  CORPORAL [commanding] Men! SOUND MORE GUNSHOTS LEM [groan] SOUND BODY DROP AS HE COLLAPSES END   NEXT EPISODE BEGINS SOUND FADES IN AND OUT COMMANDER Hold on, there, fellow. LEM [vague] all's well? COMMANDER We got em. LEM My pack? COMMANDER I'll set someone to finding it. FADE OUT DOCTOR Bite down on this.  He's lost a lot of blood. FADE OUT BOOTMAKER I'll have a new pair ready before he'll be walking anywhere on them.  You sure I should even bother--? FADEOUT WOMAN Just a little bit of broth, mister.  You need to get some o'yer strength back. SICKROOM LEM [annoyed moan] FANSHAW You're awake. LEM [quiet]  Anyone--? FANSHAW Not close enough to hear - as long as you stay quiet. LEM   I been shot? FANSHAW At least twice, judging by the bandages.  Once in the chest, once in the leg, I should say.  I should have been watching. LEM [reassuring] Can't leave you to do everythin.   FANSHAW [awkward pause, then stiffly]  Should I ...go? LEM Go?  go where? FANSHAW [covering] I - I mean, leave you in peace.  To rest.  I don't doubt you will still be needing a great deal of it. LEM [straining a bit]  Did you see, did it go alla way through? FANSHAW I don't know, but you were very fortunate - or so the doctor declared. LEM [satisfied]  FANSHAW I'll leave you to your rest, then, shall I? LEM Go or stay, I ain't so wrung out I cain't tell you got somethin on yer mind. FANSHAW LEM Is it that female ghost o'yours yer frettin over? FANSHAW [bracing breath]  LEM [exasperated snort]  Yer worried she said sumpin, izzat it? FANSHAW LEM [playing it up a bit] You furriners and the trifles that plague you. FANSHAW So she did--? LEM [shrug]    So? FANSHAW [surprised] So? LEM You cain't be the first. FANSHAW First? LEM Nor the last, like enough. FANSHAW But it... doesn't... bother you? LEM Well, you don't do it no more. FANSHAW .. don't? LEM 'sides, plenty of little fellers wet up the bed right up til they'us in long pants.  FANSHAW What? END    
8/4/202235 minutes, 23 seconds
Episode Artwork

19 Nocturne Boulevard - AULD LANG SYNE (parts 1-3 of 6) (Deadeye Kid #5) Reissue of the week

A quirk of fate brings both Lem and Fanshaw face to face with people from their pasts.  disagreeable reunions bring up disagreeable memories, and show a taste of what makes a man into a gunslinger. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid -  J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson ~~~~~~ Grisham - Bill Hollweg  (BrokenSea Audio) Lisette Carmichael - Robyn Keyes Commander Bannington -  Glen Hallstrom Scotty - Mike Campbell Other Voices: Episode 1 Bartender - Rick Lewis Episode 2 Townsfolks - Mark Olson, Candace Behuniak, Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 3 Juliet - Alexa Chipman (Imagination Lane) Glen Hallstrom Episode 4 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Piedmont - Russell Gold Mr. Roberts - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Episode 5 Nanny - Jennifer Dixon Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 6 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Mark & Connor Olson Russell Gold Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod ( Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson   No gunshots herald his approach.  No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. ************************************************************* Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 1 MUSIC 1_ARRIVAL SOUND     HORSES, RIVER, BOAT TRAFFIC LEM    Largest town I been near in a good passel of time.  I hear tell it started out as a frontier fort, but the frontier moseyed west and left it a-setting behind. FANSHAW    Will it be safe? LEM    Safe? FANSHAW    I had rather assumed you were avoiding larger towns.  For ... notoriety's sake. LEM    Meaning I don't want be invited to a necktie party?  'at's part of it, though I'm purty sure I ain't never been posted in this territory.  FANSHAW    Is it worth the risk? LEM    [shrug noise]  Time to time a man wants a bath and a night in a bed. FANSHAW    There are some distinct benefits to being deceased. LEM    [laughs]  Ayup.  I don't gotta listen to you bellyaching about aches and pains and sleeping on the ground no more.  Never mind being all prissy and citified about finding you a comf'table bush now and then-- FANSHAW    [rolling eyes]  Yes, yes. LEM    Sides, I'm outta coffee.  And low on shells.  FANSHAW    [teasing] Heavens.  How DO you manage? 2_STROLLING AMB    IN TOWN SOUND    WALKING ON WOOD LEM    Lotta trade hereabouts.  Reckon I'll be able to get what all I need. FANSHAW    Lem!  Soldiers. LEM    [voice low]  Right.  We'll go on over yonder.  [beat] Must still be a fort within spitting distance.  FANSHAW    I did notice that the old fortification appears to have become the mansion for an authority of some kind.  LEM    Probly best to get my business done and skeddaddle. SOUND    SALOON DOOR OPENS, JUST OFF, PEOPLE COME OUT FANSHAW    I say.  Isn't it a bit early for a drink? LEM    [shrug] Three weeks.  Don't seem early to me. FANSHAW    I'll-- LISETTE    [off a bit] Clary? FANSHAW    [stunned and horrified] Oh god. LISETTE    [off a bit] Clary?  I'd know that voice anywhere! LEM    Friend o'yourn? FANSHAW    [stiff, covering]  Old acquaintance.  Go on ahead! LEM    Right. 3_SALOON SOUND    HE WALKS INTO SALOON AMB    SALOON LEM    One here. SOUND    DRINK POURED BARTENDER    There you go. SOUND    COINS SOUND    LEM DRINKS GRISHAM    [angry growl] Lemuel Roberts. LEM    [SPIT-TAKE] SOUND    GLASS SLAMMED DOWN BARTENDER    Something wrong, fella? LEM    [coughing, trying to clear his throat]  Toothache.  Hit like a snakebite. GRISHAM    You look at me, you pissant slab of gun leather. BARTENDER    [sympathetic] Tarnation.  You need it yonked?  Barber can‑‑ LEM    [finally getting clear] No, no.  I kin handle it.  SOUND    COINS, GLASS DOWN LEM    Another.  And sorry about the-- BARTENDER    [dismissive] Ain't no nevermind. SOUND    MORE COINS LEM    Give me the bottle. GRISHAM    Now I found you, you could float a heap o rotgut and won't never drown me! BARTENDER    You drink more careful now, you hear? LEM    Ayup. 4_LISETTE AMB    OUTSIDE LISETTE    [close, laughing] Oh, good lord, look at you!  Mustache and all.  Aren't you a little brigadier? FANSHAW    [acknowledging] Carmichael. LISETTE    Oh, how formal.  Just like at school.  What have you been up to Clary, dear? FANSHAW    "Fanshaw," if you please. LISETTE    And we used to be such chums.  However did you end up here? FANSHAW    I'm quite sorry to see that you are dead, Carmichael. LISETTE    [laughing] Oh, I rather doubt that!  You're only very sad to see that I'm here, aren't you? FANSHAW    Would you prefer that I said I am pleased to find that you died, since that would be the only circumstance that could ever have stopped you from tormenting every living soul around you? LISETTE    [not amused any more]  At least that would be closer to the truth. FANSHAW    Jolly good.  Happy you're dead.  Must get along. LISETTE    Don't run off so quickly, Clary!  FANSHAW    [long breath of self-control]  LISETTE    There's been no one interesting to talk to or listen in on for simply ages.  FANSHAW    How unfortunate.  Must rush. LISETTE    I noticed you speaking to that fellow. FANSHAW    [quiet] Bloody hell.  [up]  I speak to a lot of people. LISETTE    I'm sure.  But he replied.  Might I speak with him as well? FANSHAW    I-- LISETTE    Oh, just watch your face!  You're trying desperately to come up with a lie!  You never could hide anything from me, mustache or no mustache, silly Clary-- FANSHAW    Stop calling me that. LISETTE    Oh, how I've missed these little moments with my dearest friends - ever since I made the leap.  I shall have to spend a great deal of time with you - and with your rugged looking friend.  FANSHAW    [gritted teeth] Jolly good. 5_SALOON2 AMB    SALOON SOUND    LEM DRINKS, SLAMS DOWN GLASS GRISHAM    I know you kin hear me, you toad-bellied worm. SOUND    CHAIR SHIFTS, KICKED OUT FROM TABLE LEM    [low] Sit. GRISHAM    What makes you think I'd sit with you?  You done went and killed me! LEM    That's one reason I'm plumb surprised to see you.  You went down all the way to Fayetteville - damn far north o' here. GRISHAM    I ... drifted. LEM    That's just what's got me hornswoggled.  Ain't no one drifts. GRISHAM    Well I did, and I's planning to get you back for what you done, one way or t'other. LEM    [sigh] SOUND    DRINK POURS 6_PIGS SOUND    PIGS LEM    Why'd you drag me out to the slaughterhouse? FANSHAW    That woman - ghost woman. LEM    An old flame? FANSHAW    Nonsense!  We knew each other as ... children.  She is-- [changing the subject] She is unlikely to follow us here.  LEM    Spect not.  Womenfolks ain't fond of this sort of messy business. FANSHAW    [disgusted] Yes... LEM    So?  You'd best'a brought me here fer a reason. FANSHAW    Lisette Carmichael.  She [hard to say] is a person who likes to know things.  About other people.  She likes to -- LEM    Hold a grudge?  Like a noose over yer head? FANSHAW    Aptly put.  Yes.  LEM    You cain't have much in the way of dark secrets, though, can you?  Leastways not no more. FANSHAW    You might be surprised. LEM    Who's she a-gonna tell?  [realizes] Oh.  FANSHAW    And while I'm fairly certain you think you could overlook any past indiscretion on my  part, I don't doubt there are a few things that might shock even you.  Lord knows, she's not even above the occasional fabrication. LEM    [after a moment]  Did it involve a sheep? FANSHAW    What? LEM    Whatever it was you done. FANSHAW    No.  It isn't - it's not like that at all. LEM    [shrug] Sounds like we should jest ride on out. FANSHAW    What? LEM    Got my coffee, ain't no reason to lollygag. FANSHAW    You would leave?  Over this? LEM    I figger you saved m'life more'n once, and ain't much I can do in return.  SOUND    WALKING IN MUD LEM    Let's get gone before you start a-thanking me. 7_BARN AMB    BARN SOUND    TACK, HORSES, ETC. LEM    You distract her, I'll get the gear.  Come and find me when you feel the pull. FANSHAW    Righty-ho.  SOUND    LEAVES GRISHAM    Running away, eh?  Allus knew you'ure yella. LEM    [sigh]  You're lucky ain't no one about but us.  Otherwise, I wouldn’t dignify none of that with an answer. GRISHAM    You kilt me! LEM    We had it out, fair and square.  I never shot no one in-- [breaks off, a bit choked up]  I never din't kill any one not a-gunning fer me.  Not on purpose. SOUND    LAST BIT OF TACKING UP GRISHAM    Are you saying I was asking fer it? LEM    I seem to recall you a-calling me out in the middle of a fairish game of cards.  Yellin blue bloody murder that I should step out and face you. GRISHAM    Well, yeah, but I was drunk. LEM    I din't do THAT to you neither.  You called me out, without no good reason agin me. GRISHAM    [losing some of his bluster] I fancied making a name for myself. SOUND    LEM GETS INTO THE SADDLE LEM    By shooting the Kid?  You ain't the first. GRISHAM    But you still kilt me. LEM    And I won't never forget none of it, but you got what you asked for, and not a jot more.  Blame providence if you cain't blame yerself, but don't put this guilt on me.  Hee-yaw! SOUND    RIDES OFF 8_DISTRACTION FANSHAW     Lisette? LISETTE    There you are!  Just like a naughty boy, running off to filthy places to get away. FANSHAW    So sorry.  Didn't have much choice.  My friend is quite fascinated by... hogs. LISETTE    Did you make a clean breast of it?  Or just warn him not to believe a thing I say?  FANSHAW    You don't understand what you're threatening to do - you never did.  LISETTE    So bothered over trifles!  How much people change! FANSHAW    Ruining someone's life never meant anything to you!  Do you recall poor Selfridge? LISETTE    Carmela?  Served her right.  FANSHAW    She threw herself off a bridge! LISETTE    She also let herself be compromised!  I didn't put her in the family way, and she was the one lying and hiding-- FANSHAW    Are you trying to imply that you are somehow in the right?  A champion of truth? LISETTE    Shall I point out what it is you are doing that flies in the face of nature? FANSHAW    History is replete with-- LISETTE    Oh, spare me.  Next you'll be quoting Shakespeare. FANSHAW    Very well.  I shan't try and justify myself, but I will point out that whatever I am doing, it cannot be changed.  Being dead, there's not much one can do about such trifles. LISETTE    Then why should it be such a catastrophe were I to tell? FANSHAW    [beat] You've never had a real friend, only people who fawned on you in order that you would not reveal their shortcomings.  LISETTE    [outraged] I--?  You--! FANSHAW    Kindly allow me to finish.  There is a certain camaraderie among men that simply does not - cannot - occur once a woman is involved.  Once you put your nose in, I fear it would never be quite the same. LISETTE    No doubt.  I'll just go and find your friend now, shall I? FANSHAW    [strange gasp, ending on a laugh]  No, but I think I shall. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVING NOISE CLOSING         Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 2 1_MOSEYING AMB    OPEN COUNTRYSIDE, nighttime SOUND    HORSES WALKING LEM    I still cain't reckon how he got so far from where he-- I-- where we had it out. FANSHAW    How odd.  Have you ever encountered other ghosts who could travel? LEM    Present comp'ny only. FANSHAW    And we know the how and why of that.  Perhaps this fellow has a similar... arrangement? LEM    How?  And who with?  Ain't no one would carry that ugly cuss a dog's walk, let alone some hundred miles. FANSHAW    Well, every one of we "spirits" seems to be a bit different. LEM    Like your lady friend back there? FANSHAW    [sigh] From her current appearance and [disapproving] "costume", she had fallen on ‑ahem- hard times indeed.  Possibly drifted west - whilst alive - in hopes of making something better for herself.  LEM    Lot of people can say that, out this way. FANSHAW    [a bit snotty] Frankly I'm not surprised at her misfortune.  When you alienate all those around you, no one will step in to help if things take a turn for the worse. LEM    Cain't say I ain't never been that fella. FANSHAW    [chagrined] Oh.  MUSIC     FOR FLASHBACK NOTE    Lem is younger, more cocky, more superior in the falshback - need to really show who he used to be 2_THE OLD KID AMB    SALOON LEM    Gimme two. SOUND    CARDS LEM    [pleased noise]  I'll see you and raise-- SOUND    CROWD HUSHES GRISHAM    [snarling declaration] I hear tell the Deadeye Kid's here in town? LEM    [ignoring him, smug] Raise ten. DEALER    [shaky] Uh, Kid? GRISHAM    Which one o' y'all's sposed to be this weasel? LEM    Your call. PLAYER1    [shaky] Um...  I fold. LEM    [chuckles] PATRON1    How can he--? Patron2    Shh! SOUND    HEAVY SPURRED BOOTS CROSS FLOOR, PEOPLE SCUTTLE OUT OF WAY GRISHAM    [heavy menace]  You the deadeye kid? LEM    [offhanded] I'm the man playing a nice civil hand of cards.  Mebbe you can hold your hosses there, whistle stomper. GRISHAM    Either you come out and face me now, or I swear'n I'm gonna shoot you where you sit. SOUND    CHAIRS SCOOTING OUT, PEOPLE LEAVING TABLE LEM    [long dramatic sigh]  Now that sounds a mite like a threat. PLAYER1    [muttered] Uh, yeah.  I'm done.  Fergot my wife wants me home. GRISHAM    Are you coming, or am I shooting? LEM    If everyone's takin' leg, I guess I win by forfeit? DEALER    Um, I don't think anyone's gonna argue you on that. GRISHAM    You turn around now and face me, you yellow bellied dog! SOUND    MONEY BEING SHOVED TOGETHER LEM    Give the frog a chance to jump, knuckles.  Cain't just leave all this layin around. SOUND    G's GUN DRAWN AND COCKED GRISHAM    Now! LEM    [to dealer, cocky] You'll look after this til I get back? DEALER    Uh... certainly. GRISHAM    I'll do it!  I will! SOUND    CHAIR SLOWLY MOVES, LEM'S SPUR-STEPS, STANDS LEM    Rightchere in front of all these good folks?  And leave the dealer to clean up the mess?  [tsks]  Let's at least be civilized and take this on outside. 3_EASIER MUSIC    BACK TO NOW SOUND    HORSES WALKING FANSHAW    Seems as if it would be a great deal easier. LEM    Whazzat? FANSHAW    Shooting someone in the back. LEM    And killin a chicken's easier than takin down a buffalo, but ain't a thing to swell over.  Ain't no pride in the easy way.  FANSHAW    Backshooting would gain you notoriety just as quickly. LEM    It's all about how folks look at you... and how they see you. MUSIC    BACK TO FLASHBACK 4_WARMUP GRISHAM    Are you stepping? LEM    What flavor of tarantula juice got you fit to wake snakes?  Milk?  [insulting that he can't hold his liquor] GRISHAM    [furious noise]  I got a pill to run you on, and I'm gonna chew back every moment of it. LEM    [to the crowd] Righchere's a rumbustious fellow for you.  SOUND    DRINKS DOWN HIS LIQUOR, SLAMS IT DOWN LEM    Barkeep?  Have me a shot of top mark waitin. SOUND    WALKS OUT, SLOWLY GRISHAM    You look at me while I'm a talking to you! LEM    [walking out] You say somethin' more wheat than chaff, mebbe I will. 5_RATTLING FANSHAW    Were you trying to upset his equilibrium? LEM    What's that when it's at home? FANSHAW    uh - Throw him off - make him upset and more likely to make mistakes. LEM    Rattlin.  Yup.  There's as much head as hand in a proper showdown.  Not that this was one o' them. FANSHAW    Why not?  He called you out.