So many birthdays, there’s guns at school, colonization never stopped and Crystal went thrifting with our patrons. Santana takes all the shine, back to back disgust, a little anal play might be fun and the exes always come back.  For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com

We’re sweating again, Billy had a pet raccoon, Pat’s vagina is causing serious problems and men shouldn’t work in gynecology. Is WW3 upon us, we’re not fighting to survive, Crystal is still talking to strangers and Peez wants long arms.  For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com

Marcellus Williams shouldn’t have died, deathbed confessions are common, skunks are REEKING havoc and the car problems continue. We’re all tired of gross men, Pata Fria is a vehicular genius, kids driving and humans functioning with exposed brain deserve recognition. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com

We’re ALL in trouble, Pata Fria and Carolyn are sisters, cigarettes are Crystal’s love language and dentists are scamming. Everyone’s getting hacked, FB marketplace is addicting, Crystal hates babies and Pat wants to be poly again. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com

Carolyn has had enough of Crystal, Peez is making great choices, decorating is fun and Stinkers has been having a rough week. Our kids are never moving out, we enjoy being recognized, pay attention to new moles and there’s a video going around that will terrify everyone.  For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com

We saw baby bobcats! don’t discuss dreams till after you eat, RIP Phil Donahue, don’t punish your statues and Pata Fria finally moved. Fully screen anyone around your kids, keep your episodes out of our DM’s, camping was a good time and Peez doesn’t bite her tongue. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com

Happy Anniversary to Crystal and Mark!, T needs to leave Crystal alone, be careful who you’re doing favors for and Carolyn wants Jake. Pata Fria is trying new hair colors, Peez is growing up, stop finding creative uses for poop and grind your own meat.  For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com

Pata Fria has a shoulder injury, Crystal can see the notes from her psych evaluation, avoid processed meats and pervs are hiding cameras. Someone sh*t near Pata Fria’s head, finally some great news, the garage sale is Sunday and cottage cheese is currently that girl.  For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com

We’ve had a rough week. Nyah’s cotillion is coming, Pata Fria played a crazy prank, Carolyn acted a fool in Target and there’s a special use for tape. Kamala is not a good person, justice for Sonya Massey, Pata Fria is collecting garbage and Crystal lives in a spider sanctuary. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com

We had some beauty treatments, it’s Jimbo’s birthday, Stinkers might need surgery and our judicial system is a JOKE. Mosquitos are evil, what’s your communion snack, thrifting requires dedication and our presidential process is embarrassing.  For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com 

We’re back!! Crystal is feeling better, the hot weather is annoying, Charlene got Carolyn for her retirement gift and books are being enjoyed. Crystal’s adhd screening is moving forward, another garage sale is happening, Pata Fria was able to see her daughter and men are still disgusting. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com 

The presidential debate was embarrassing, it’s now illegal to be homeless, happy birthday Bunny and Peez allows Crystal to sing with her. Stevi is truly Crystal’s child, there was almost a tragic accident, exes were hoping Pata Fria got killed and the Bay Area is getting scary again.  For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com 

Happy Juneteenth! The episodes are climbing, Pata Fria has mom hair, is praying for a new house and starting sleeping pills. This is a fitness podcast, we love to see people caring for themselves, older kids are HARD and parenting worries never stop. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com 

We’re recovering from a busy week, stomach bugs are going around, Peez is very two-faced and Crystal has a new hangout. Angering update about Graham, we hate a fake girls girl, Mark did an amazing thing and Pata Fria might be moving to Vermont. !!FREE PALESTINE!! For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com 

Crystal created an amazing protein drink, the workouts continue, we’re fond of mullets and Peez is not being nice. There are some cool discounts for low income people, an eventful first day of work, protect cheddar bay biscuits and beware of sneaky calories. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com 

Hot weather is upon us, pollen is in full attack mode, Crystal got stretched and mental health is a constant struggle. Music in the 90s was filth, we are not confident surgeons, don’t answer your door for strangers and we love movies that are aesthetically pleasing. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com 

Don’t drink milk. Pistachio desserts are top tier. If you see someone stealing no you didn’t and dogs don’t wanna be cops. All of May is Pata Fria’s birthday, Crystal had an amazing dream, let’s restart our meds and always choose the bear.  For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com 

Pata Fria got her lips fixed and did some spring cleaning, Crystal has been spending some time in the community, the universe has been on Richard’s ass and Crystal now has a handler. Carolyn has a creepy admirer, don't scam people, don’t lie on people don’t spend your kid’s money and let people protest in peace!  FREE PALESTINE  For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com 

FREE PALESTINE and s/o any countries finally stepping in, check online for unclaimed money, treat yourself to a new bra, it’s hard to stay asleep and Pata Fria is exploring age play. Keep sending us your lie stories and write ins and please subscribe/comment/rate and review! For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com 

Cemeteries are shady, we’re clearing out some merch, mail is still being stolen and Crystal’s ghost is getting personal. We may have discovered the cutest job ever, there’s a movie to look forward to, respect people that wanna leave the party and unexpected blessings are always nice. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com 

Chemtrails are making us sick, be careful at CVS, the caregiver saga continues and Pata Fria’s exes are all in sync. Let’s try fake toenails, Crystal has new animals, population concerns are really about capitalism and BBL’s do not SMELL! For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com 

Being a woman is fun, said no one ever. Crystal is experiencing life thru a new lens. Brain disorders really hinder being a human and Pata Fria overcame a fear. Crystal is still functioning as a death doula, women’s hygiene products are top tier, businesses are leaving, humanity is evaporating and you gotta be careful around dogs. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com 

Phone service was down, stay away from minors, numbing spray works wonders and we’re full of worms. Girl Scouts are cancelled, celebrities are gross and be careful with plumping lip gloss! For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com 

Happy Valentine’s Day, don’t eat bees, tweakers are so horny and drugs aren’t safe to experiment with anymore. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com 

We had a little technical difficulty in the beginning but here we are. Testing new lighting, football fans are insane, perimenopause is upon us and being alone is pleasant. We love an ice cream sandwich family, Crystal might need to upgrade her cigs, 9-11 is still on speed dial and dress for the partner you want.  For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com 

Crystal had Covid, let’s read books, the rain won’t stop and getting old is not a good time. Prepare your kids for adulthood, women are pervs too, don’t ask people their body count and always be aware of your surroundings. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com 

Peez has new pets, resellers are still annoying, physical reactions to genocide are normal and Rick Owens is a good brand to support. Could your dad be a serial killer, the universe gave us each other, be careful at the hospital and decorate your house however makes you happy.  For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com 

Riding with Crystal is an adventure, Peez has been cussing a LOT, Pata Fria is having a really bad week and we’re all ingesting plastic. Do you ever plan for prison in your head, Crystal has a great new client, no that’s not a stuffed animal and a period ain’t stopping nothing but a sentence. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com 

We love a good garage sale but hate reseller price gouging. Crystal met an animal that doesn’t love her for once. Don’t raise your kids to be mean girls and don’t spend your money with terrible companies. CEASEFIRE NOW, END THE OCCUPATION, FREE PALESTINE. For bonus episodes and early releases join Patreon! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunctionpodcast.com 

Xmas is still going, we love a man’s man, women need to carry guns and we would actually be really bad cops. Pata Fria might start taking tattoo appts, our government is the worst of the worst, Crystal isn’t great at remembering names and just don’t eat Carolyn’s cooking. FREE PALESTINE, CEASEFIRE NOW, END THE OCCUPATION.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]

We’re back after a month.  The flu is not playing fair, Crystal is hit with tragedy once again and losing Carl was a loss for so many.  Who’s doing the hiring at Richmond Kaiser, Crystal is enjoying a new meat, Charlene had a favorite roadside hustler and don’t support soft white underbelly.  For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]

Crystal has on cute socks and Pata Fria is losing her voice. Migraines can ruin your life, toddlers are insane, coffee and books have been the vibe this week and boycotting works. Oil pulling has begun, men are not ok, Hollywood is full of pedos and abusers and this week we got some great write ins.  For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]

Pata Fria’s whole house is sick, wear your shoes while you can because they crumble, beware of the Bernie’s and please keep spreading the truth about this genocide. Client flashbacks are fun, Crystal has been making more friends, the older you get the less clingy you are and exposure therapy really works.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]

Mark is on a honeymoon with his mom, FREE PALESTINE, always acknowledge rock ‘n roll, STD’s have a dark origin, discovering new coffees is fun and diaper rash cream saves the day.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]

Happy Halloween guys!! Pata Fria is having a really rough menstrual moment, when working with old folks maybe leave your bad attitude at home, teenage house parties are NOT a good time and unfortunately most beauty treatments come with risks. For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Xmas tree scented candle got us in the spirit, Crystal doesn’t deserve the amount of poop she has to deal with, never trust a sneaky bum and do not wear super curved toenails. FREE PALESTINE, censorship is out of control, while joking kids are always off limits and ghosts are still showing off.   Check out this week’s sponsor!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]

FREE PALESTINE. Karma is gonna get shady car mechanics., our priorities are not in order, school stuff is stressful and bidets are fun. Don’t outshine the birthday girl, whale watching is coming soon, celebrities are doing way too much lately and industry plants might be a thing. For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

FREE PALESTINE. Busy days are rough, black mold is dangerous, kids should not be dealing w discrimination in 2023 and Peez is really a ray of sunshine. Beware of creepy men, violent exes and celebrities that need you to send them money. For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]

Twinkle twinkle…it’s been 5 whole years!  Thank you to everyone that’s been with us for the ride. Crystal has a typical Hello Dysfunction encounter. Pata Fria finally cracks an ongoing case. Hugs to anyone that grew up with a mean grandpa or has kids that have scared you to death while hiding. Check out this week’s sponsor!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]

Pata Fria is feeling like vertigo, Crystal has had ENOUGH. Carolyn makes a gruesome discovery and once again our girl is called in for duty. Keep your creepy friends away, be careful when using harsh chemicals, rebounding is amazing exercise and it’s sad when you ruin your favorite restaurant. For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]

Dogs are a huge responsibility. Crystal is still trying to re-home a really great fur baby. Disneyland for Peez was an amazing time and podcasts are perfect listening for road trips. Twitter has brought a lot of us together, updates about dumping jerks are awesome, traumatic visual flashbacks are terrible and please don’t drive in flip flops.  For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]

Old fashioned training diapers were painful. Manners are SO important. We need to go on a Midwest thrifting tour and Crystal is ready to call 911 at ALL times. Don’t ask your friends for discounts, don’t pick up snakes you don’t know, don’t send your kids with the Boy Scouts and don’t stay with a partner that wants to split every cost with you.  Check out this weeks sponsor!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Subscribe on YouTube! https://youtube.com/@hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]

Crystal needs to CHILL OUT. Peez is having a big girl week. Teach your kids to keep their hands off other ppl’s property and we’ve updated some things on Patreon. IG is following accounts on it’s own, vaping is more dangerous that we realized, some of these kids games are advertising s*x games and Covid is back in town.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]

Mosquitos are attacking. We’re on YouTube. Corn really angers Crystal and Pata Fria wants a stud farmer. Since it’s available, everyone should be using full body deodorant. Stop remaking movies. Technology is killing is and our government is a joke. For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]

Hot weather sucks. Don’t hang out near people’s front door. Peez is a singer, anonymous harassment is cowardly and technology is getting scary.  Tempers are short, Bay Area bippers are out of control and we don’t really mind if you want to have fun with our deceased family.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]

e’ve had a week of bullshit, another one bites the dust, more words we like and some new natural biohacks. Watch who you pocket dial, costume jewelry is not for men, pray for Maui and we’re headed to the desert.  For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]

Pat is recovering from alcohol poisoning.  The live shows were more than we ever hoped for. Crystal thinks she has a “dance space”. Nations got us thinking we’re famous. Is Lizzo disgusting? Crystal is Peez’ favorite person in the world. And Taco Bell better stop skimping us.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]

We’re bleeding, overwhelmed and preparing for the live shows. Pata Fria is testing a new intimate bleaching cream, it’s Jimbo’s birthday, William hurt himself and Mark has been a huge help. A UTI vaccine is coming, a little progress is being made in the Tupac murder investigation, don’t fake a kidnapping and don’t act a fool in another country.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]

It’s been a rough eventful week. Crystal is losing a toenail, displays excellent self control and has another new word for us. Pata Fria got a new car, shot photos in a kinky dream house and had an interaction with a possible trafficker.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]

Pata Fria is off her meds. Crystal has PTSD from a popular love song. Compliments from women are the only ones that matter and Orcas have had enough. Being naturally funny makes anyone attractive and you never know what’s coming when Carolyn is on live. For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]

Crystal has a serious announcement.  We have an official HD tattoo.  Americans sometimes have to share prescriptions, Carolyn is a natural liar and she might have some secrets.  Pata Fria has some excellent post-breakup advice, Big Mama got her groove back and having standards is actually really important.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]

Pata Fria drank a cigarette and feels sick.  Nations loves us therefore we’re famous.  RIP Tina Turner.  Be careful doing whip it’s, Nicki Minaj is embarrassing, men are not our favorite and the universe has been picking on Crystal.  For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Pata Fria is the birthday girl.  And also Stevi.  Mother’s Day was lovely, Crystal’s parents are inappropriate and our background noise is always a surprise. How honest are you? We hate Walgreens and love a good crime doc.  For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

It’s really true what they say, what’s done in the dark will always come to light. What happened to girl code? Crystal is almost prom queen at the new Safeway and many thanks to Robyn.   For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

This week Hello Dysfunction got to sit in with another Bay Area podcast, Burbeck and Garretson. We got some male prospective and a lot covered with seven of us all sitting in.  Follow them for more awesome episodes at Burbeck & Garretson on Spotify  and Instagram.com/burbeckandgarretson  Check out this week’s sponsor!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

We’re still sick.  Pata Fria is drunk and off her meds.  The craft supplies are out of hand and Crystal has some great white trash tattoos.  Crystal’s family has more dark secrets and sharing a bed is poor people shit.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Crystal loves having phlegm.  Pata Fria is going thru metamorphosis. Again.  Peez loves to cause a scene and cigarettes are pretty hot. Crystal’s dream ruined their new lashes, local sex workers are making everyone really proud, eating food in the bathroom isn’t that bad and the 90s were pretty barbaric.  For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Rest In Peace Queen Prudence.  Stand on one foot if something is wrong.  Pata Fria is a single woman and will be for the rest of her life.  Poppies and eagles are for Merica. Carolyn is gonna hit Crystal any day now. Uncle Jimmy wants something and Pata Fria really doesn’t need alcohol.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

This week we’re doing something different and sharing part of an episode that was exclusive to Patreon and we really enjoyed. We hope you like it, the full episode and video are on Patreon.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Sinus infections, vertigo and stomach viruses…oh my! Traffic has Crystal ready to leave earth and tummy tuck swelling is an unpleasant surprise. It’s now illegal to send surprise unwanted nudes in CA and Trump is going to jail. For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

It’s a wild Saturday night!  Crystal got crop dusted, smoking used to be really cool, don’t encourage conversation with strangers and please always ask before dropping some heavy loads on someone.  Pata Fria can’t see and is still getting really manic. Crystal has taken steps to get her ADD under control and is drinking more water. Fords have no loyalty and being yourself will ultimately give you the best life experience.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Crystal is planning a no dairy challenge, Peez is after all the babies, driving in the rain is scary and people are always showing up at Pata Fria’s door.  Carolyn is doing and not doing whatever she wants, insulting racist humor isn’t funny and you don’t have to claim your whiteness if you don’t want to.  For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Pay your bills. Crystal is on the loose! We’re experiencing a REAL winter right now and Pata Fria’s foot is probably fractured. Mayo is really important to Crystal, Pata Fria has been leaning on God and they’re both considering starting a church. For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Valentines Day was cute, same day delivery is dangerous, we can definitely be bought and some people don’t have visual imagination!  Childhood trauma is so so hard. We miss old TV dinners. Don’t let your kids date adults and Pata Fria has an album coming soon  Check out this week’s sponsor! BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Surgery is done!  Pata Fria had a rough time but she’s finally home.  Don’t judge a book by it’s cover, re-use your towels and Robert Crumb is basically Crystal’s family.  Check out this week’s sponsor! BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

It’s episode 200!!!! We’ve been doing this for 200 years. Jimmy is alive. Happy Birthday Stinkers. Build A Bear has gone too far. Pay attention to the messages the universe sends you and don’t forget your kegals. For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Did your family swim in garbage cans?  RSV is terrifying. Dnt throw away cookies and try not to pee your pants.  Everyone’s info is on the internet and if you have it in you, be a Dom.  For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Happy New Year!! Don’t pawn your family’s decorations for meth. Crystal was a really bad child. Girl you know it’s true is a timeless classic. Apologize in your partner’s love language! Being a woman is really risky. Movies from the 90s can be pretty great. Pata Fria is sensitive to criticism and mean parents get softer with age. For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Welcome to the dysfunction, Crystal’s brain has fun commercials on loop. Please don’t put Pata Fria on the spot about a tip. Christmas was different for everyone this year, but let’s keep it cozy as long as possible. RIP to our HD family member Rahni 🖤 Try to stay loose if you’re in an accident and ask Crystal to show you her new sweats!  For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Pata Fria is really sick. Crystal has identified the local pervert. Spread kindness whenever you can and school is really a scam. Power really changes people and Crystal’s hypothetical questions are ENDLESS! Check out this week’s sponsors! BetterHelp  Professional online therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners! For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.  Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!  Start now at dipseastories.com/dysfunction That’s D I P S E A stories .com/dysfunction  For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Pata Fria is sick. It’s a painful sick.  Don’t ask people if they just woke up.  Keep an eye out for the local serial masturbator. If your burps stink please stay home.  Sick dreams have been so fun and Suga Free is cancelled.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.  Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!  Start now at dipseastories.com/dysfunction That’s D I P S E A stories .com/dysfunction  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria2 Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

We’re back after a week of chaos!  Please provide others with the type of service you’d like to receive. Pata Fria finally got her tree up. Vaginal issues feel like bad karma and cartel videos are great.  Crystal had a visitor, Peez is cussing, grave robbing isn’t always bad and don’t accept bad treatment from anyone, not even family. Check out this week’s sponsor! • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.  Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!  Start now at dipseastories.com/dysfunction That’s D I P S E A stories .com/dysfunction  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria2 Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

We’re back and better than ever!  We love men who cry, break ups are embarrassing, we love meeting listeners and don’t lie about sleeping with people.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Gladskin Gladskin is a product that works with your skin’s natural bacteria to soothe and resolve eczema, rosacea, acne and other skin irritations. Steroid-free and non-toxic, safe enough to also use on baby.  Right now our listeners get 15% off plus free shipping (we love that) at gladskin.com with discount code HELLODYSFUNCTION. That’s Gladskin.com/hellodysfunction   Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria2  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Starting out with a little ASMR. They aren’t called “windmeals”. You gotta be a little well off to really enjoy Disney. Childhood makes you the person you’ll be. Nightmares have been really rude lately and unnecessary details are Crystal’s favorite.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • Gladskin Gladskin is a product that works with your skin’s natural bacteria to soothe and resolve eczema, rosacea, acne and other skin irritations. Steroid-free and non-toxic, safe enough to also use on baby.  Right now our listeners get 15% off plus free shipping (we love that) at gladskin.com with discount code HELLODYSFUNCTION. That’s Gladskin.com/hellodysfunction   Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria2  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Welcome to episode 191  Peez swings on everyone, genetics are crazy and we’re slowly becoming our moms. Don’t send illegal things thru the mail, Crystal has very sexual recipes and it’s so cute when you let kids dress themselves.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.  Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!  Start now at dipseastories.com/dysfunction That’s D I P S E A stories .com/dysfunction  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria2 Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Peez introduced this episode, Crystal serenaded our intro, Toto is timeless and Pata Fria might be drunk. There’s a new Damato in the gang, 80’s Cabbage Patch Kids are the current obsession and we got some things to celebrate!!!! War times are getting intense, don’t make a joke of adrenochrome, iron lungs are crazy and Grandmacore is not what it sounds like.  Check out this week’s sponsors! • Gladskin Gladskin is a product that works with your skin’s natural bacteria to soothe and resolve eczema, rosacea, acne and other skin irritations. Steroid-free and non-toxic, safe enough to also use on baby.  Right now our listeners get 15% off plus free shipping (we love that) at gladskin.com with discount code HELLODYSFUNCTION. That’s Gladskin.com/hellodysfunction   • THE Commercial Break!  Two long time best friends Bryan and Krissy get together each Monday Wednesday and Friday to discuss life, love and the pursuit of absurdity.  Sinister ministers, ridiculous MLM companies, alien light language, TV dating shows, monster hunters, terrible psychic readings and more!  The Commercial Break hosts use their unlikely friendship and personal life stories as a backdrop to discuss some the insane topics and trends from around the globe.  THE Commercial Break is available wherever you find your favorite podcasts or you can visit TCBpodcast.com .Thats TCBpodcast.com or go to YouTube.com / THEcommercialbreak  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria2  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Welcome. This is not a scam.  Knees are getting injured left and right, Peez had a meltdown in front of the paramedics and Mexican pizzas have been subpar.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO BEST FRIEND ENERGY Looking for your next podcast obsession? You'll be sure to find it on the new weekly chat series: BEST FRIEND ENERGY with hosts Clea Shearer and Joanna Teplin of The Home Edit. On BEST FRIEND ENERGY you get to know Clea and Joanna even better than before--you become a part of their inner circle! Their friendship and business began with a single text and now has them organizing celebrity homes, traveling the world and laughing every step of the way. From Sony Music Entertainment, Hello Sunshine, The Home Edit and Somethin' Else, listen and follow Best Friend Energy wherever you get your podcasts. Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria2  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Send us your questions/stories at: hellodysfunction.com or submit to [email protected] 

It’s our anniversary.  Familial masturbation is awkward.  Pata Fria’s ghost is jealous again.  The wedding was beautiful and Crystal beat a ticket!  Be grateful for everything, even the hard lessons. Carolyn needs a phony inspection. Dreams are getting crazy and we have serial killers.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.  Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!  Start now at dipseastories.com/dysfunction That’s D I P S E A stories .com/dysfunction  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria2  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

If you don’t like us, we feel you. Pata Fria was given a defective vagina, Crystal used to love morning after pills and there’s a fine line between subtle enhancements and full on transformation. Crystal lasered herself a new face and loved telling everyone all about it.  Men flirting is really cringe. Sexual dysfunction is stressful and Crystal is NOT from Steel Magnolias. For bonus content and additional episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/patafria.again  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Pata Fria is a bio hacker.  Roasting yourself is empowering!  Bring back pink popcorn, more lavender foods and bad moms are a popular theme this week.  It’s Latinx heritage month! Scarface is cancelled and don’t give your child a ridiculous name.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.  Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!  Start now at dipseastories.com/dysfunction That’s D I P S E A stories .com/dysfunction  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Happy Birthday Peez!!  Hers a big girl and is already acting like it.  The Queen has passed. Now return the stolen artifacts. We’ve been having record breaking temperatures, don’t share my goodbye letter and tape your mouth shut.  Check out this week’s sponsors!   • BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • Gladskin Gladskin is a product that works with your skin’s natural bacteria to soothe and resolve eczema, rosacea, acne and other skin irritations. Steroid-free and non-toxic, safe enough to also use on baby.  Right now our listeners get 15% off plus free shipping (we love that) at gladskin.com with discount code HELLODYSFUNCTION. That’s Gladskin.com/hellodysfunction   Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

CHREEEEEEEES!!  We feel sick. Crystal is a woodworker. Don’t sleep with your dead pets and Pata Fria is opening a Montessori school.  Be patient with your neurodivergent partners and learn your love/apology languages.  Forgiveness develops with time. Growing up in the 90s was so incredibly toxic and have you made a virginity promise to your dad?  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

The kids are back to school and bringing home germs, yay! Crystal is a contractor specializing in residential renovations. The local Starbucks needs to train their employees on proper protocol.  Bukk is here. Beater Boys. Please keep your pets away from onions and garlic!!  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.  Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!  Start now at dipseastories.com/dysfunction That’s D I P S E A stories .com/dysfunction  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Happy Birthday Crystal!!! Camping was a shit show, trouble follows us everywhere and influencer drama has us in a chokehold.  Reviewing some unnecessary write ins, not the good kind.  Check out this week’s sponsor! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Leo season is upon us.  We’re recording in a bed.  Is Pata Fria’s ig gone forever?  Crystal’s house and nerves are in disarray, Pata Fria and Will started fasting and talk shows in the 90s were AWFUL.  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

We’re doing our best.  Crystal’s house is all over the place, Pata Fria is a carpet cleaning professional, stop leaving your lashes everywhere.  We’re still waiting on Uncle Jimmy, let’s all take monkey pox seriously and always plead not guilty on your tickets. It’s worth a shot. Check out this week’s sponsor!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.  Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!  Start now at dipseastories.com/dysfunction That’s D I P S E A stories .com/dysfunction  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Is the Choco Taco really saying goodbye?  Kids, finish your raisin water, snap peas and blackberries.  Shaving Cream has a lot of uses! Your name coulda been Elvis.  Stop wasting paper towels and wash your rice?  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Welcome to grow tf up everything isn’t funny.  Carolyn might be getting a roommate, Pata Fria is becoming a gamer and we might move to LA.  Never leave your kids unattended, follow these notes on how to be a good wife, zebras in CA is true.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Back loving the Blood Mary’s.  Let’s all get new haircuts. We live in hell, boric acid is not for everyday use and if you’re into skat play safe!  People flashing their lights in the daytime are friends! And Crystal won’t even cheat with a doll.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.  Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!  Start now at dipseastories.com/dysfunction That’s D I P S E A stories .com/dysfunction  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

In person is always better.  Everything in moderation, even the good stuff.  If you love me, play dead.  Loss of a pet is insanely rough.  If you’re gonna dress up your siblings at least take pics.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

We’re so happy to be back.  We would like a Raisin Bran sponsorship.  Now Bunny has Covid.  Be careful driving cars that backfire.  Bladder botox is ridiculous and we miss our grandmas.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

We’re back!  Crystal and family had Covid, Pata Fria ran away to Florida. iPhones are messy, don’t make new videos of dead loved ones, Crystal will never stop seeing dad d*ck and got a hot new bathing suit!  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.  Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!  Start now at dipseastories.com/dysfunction That’s D I P S E A stories .com/dysfunction  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Pata Fria got a Mexican denture and surprised herself with how creative she gets while hurt. Crystal got a special voicemail and visit right when she needed it. Nightmares are among us, after 2.5yrs Crystal finally got Covid and blocking ppl is about self preservation, not you.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.  Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!  Start now at dipseastories.com/dysfunction That’s D I P S E A stories .com/dysfunction  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

It’s hot.  Roaches are never welcome.  Crystal is a caring death doula and guns are outta control. Pata Fria is more prude than you’d expect, thank god for growth, use water in the bathroom and dnt be gross.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Happy Birthday Pata Fria. Don’t call me “lil mama”.  Be extra nice nice to the ugly produce and Aunt Debra is a damn fool.  Being a woman is annoying, not everyone can breastfeed and Crystal’s singing has to stop.  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

We’re almost 4 years old!!  Pata Fria is back from Mexico.  Carolyn might have a keepsake for sale and we have a new beauty secret to share.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.  Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!  Start now at dipseastories.com/dysfunction That’s D I P S E A stories .com/dysfunction  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Crystal is an adult cheerleader.  Keep politics out of our vaginas.  Hyper sexual children are more common than some realize and love at first month is totally possible.  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Coffee is a trickster.  Tomatoes used to be a lot better tasting.  Stop telling everyone your family planning and extreme cheapskates are great.  Crystal is ALL about mid century modern and Pata Fria is getting her affairs in order.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.  Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!  Start now at dipseastories.com/dysfunction That’s D I P S E A stories .com/dysfunction  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Welcome.  Pata Fria draws nice stars. Crystal’s “what ifs” are non stop. Don’t fall for IG scams. Don’t forget your kids places, honest people still do exist.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Wanna smooth things out? Make a dance routine. Women are really in constant physical pain. Water isn’t a good time and cannibalism should be legal. Personality tests be on point and don’t let social media make you feel like you aren’t doing enough.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.  Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!  Start now at dipseastories.com/dysfunction That’s D I P S E A stories .com/dysfunction  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Eat cinnamon mentos for dinner. Our kids been stressing us to death and we hate Pepsi. Our recording decor is really classy and Netflix is being greedy. Tips on how to get more fellatio and plan your after death signs now.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

RIP to our dear listener Lauren.  Do your laundry.  Carolyn needs to make some money.  Divorce is ok!! Swear on your own life.  It pays to be a good person and tiny mustaches should be a thing.  For additional weekly episodes join our Patreon!!  Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Two mentally ill moms… Is Pata Fria retired?  Crystal is still talking to strangers.  New hair, who dis?  Crystal needs to delete games off her phone.  Hand me downs are great. Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.  Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!  Start now at dipseastories.com/dysfunction That’s D I P S E A stories .com/dysfunction  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Pata Fria’s voice is returning.  We’re still wearing masks.  Depression is a stupid bitch.  Don’t judge a book by it’s cover and beware of mountain lions in your backyard.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Excedrine is that girl.  Don’t take our medical advice.  iPhone “Share My Location” is not always accurate.  Crystal gives great history lessons.  Pray for Ukraine. We’ve been taught very contradictory rules.  Always be open to learning and please leave us a review xo Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Trauma makes you funny. Where is Pata Fria’s period. We’re kids with kids and the Olympics are racist.  We got really sweet valentines, Crystal got embarrassing singing from her mom.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.  Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!  Start now at dipseastories.com/dysfunction That’s D I P S E A stories .com/dysfunction  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Crystal brought us in with a very 90s serenade. Love Day is upon us.  Pata Fria got new lashes.  Don’t break anyone’s heart.  Chode vs mushroom Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Crystal is singing again. We’re tired of paying bills. The groundhog saw his shadow. We’re not  role models. Decriminalize drug use. Kill your local rapist.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Botox time is always a joy. This is a luxury trailer community. New Year’s resolution for couples.  Billionaires don’t need space toys.   Check out this week’s sponsor!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.  Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!  Start now at dipseastories.com/dysfunction That’s D I P S E A stories .com/dysfunction  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Welcome to the smoking closet. Crystal has tough lungs and more unlocked memories. Don’t fake the funk. Pata Fria wants a spiked ring of ownership and McKenzie fights.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Today’s episode is gross.  There is no singing today.  We’re definitely from the older generation, hygiene is being brought up AGAIN.  Tweaker fights are the best.  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Everybody’s sick.  We’re old. Crystal’s paranormal roommates have been ACTIVE. Try to stay on top of your meds and don’t be a cheater. Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.  Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!  Start now at dipseastories.com/dysfunction That’s D I P S E A stories .com/dysfunction  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Last episode of the year; 2021 has not been kind. You can stop being friends without becoming enemies. CDC said go to work. Don’t buy your kids tattoo machines. The Damato kids are hilarious. Snow trips with no adults. Roses for Jesus.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]  

We’re not starting a pet furniture line. They can’t all be good days. Crystal has been living on IG live. Treat yourself to an occasional visit from a housekeeper. Dog bites. Poor family outings. If you’d like to contribute to Billy’s celebration of life/Carolyn’s independent living expenses, please visit  https://gofund.me/acc45cd6 Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]  

We’re so happy to be back. Don’t let anyone put you in a closet. Self love shouldn’t bother you. Sober sex is different! Tattoos are great. If you’d like to contribute to Billy’s celebration of life/Carolyn’s independent living expenses, please visit  https://gofund.me/acc45cd6 Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]  

We love you Billy. National Day of Mourning. Don’t learn to make greens on the internet. Autopsy tours should be a thing. Frankenstein has moved out. Hippos are living it up in Colombia. In honor of Billy we’re bringing back the holiday tee, details how to purchase are available on our ig page. If you’d like to contribute to Billy’s celebration of life/Carolyn’s independent living expenses, please visit  https://gofund.me/acc45cd6 ANY amount helps, even just a share is so greatly appreciated.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

We’re back after a rough couple weeks. Pata Fria has a plastic surgery addiction. Billy gave us a huge scare. Check in with your kids and take mental health as seriously as physical health. Don’t go slow in the fast lane and always shower before you get waxed.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • Hella Infused High quality handmade and lab tested CBD infused products. Support local Black woman owned, independent business! Right now Hella Infused is adding a CBD pain oil, CBD honey and CBD sea moss!! Continuing to extend 20% off to our listeners., head over and shop now using code: hellodysfunction at checkout. hellainfused.com IG: Instagram.com/hella_infused • Manscape Tired of pubic hair getting in the way and killing a good time? MANSCAPED™ just launched new products that your man will actually use including their - all-new Ultra Premium™ Body Wash and a 2 in 1 Shampoo & Conditioner! It’s time to give the man in your life the gift of beautiful skin, hair, and balls this holiday season. Go to manscaped.com and use code [Ihellodysfunction] for 20% off + Free Shipping.   Join our Patreon for additional weekly episodes! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

It’s our 3 year anniversary week!!  The new iPhone update might have a sneaky new feature. Bad service in a restaurant is really a mood killer and if Crystal wants your recipe she’ll track you down!  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • Hella Infused  High quality handmade and lab tested CBD infused products. Support local Black woman owned, independent business! Right now Hella Infused is adding a CBD pain oil, CBD honey and CBD sea moss!! Continuing to extend 20% off to our listeners., head over and shop now using code: hellodysfunction at checkout.  hellainfused.com  IG: Instagram.com/hella_infused Join our Patreon for additional weekly episodes! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Retrograde is bringing them old thangs back, don’t raise our rent. Crystal is a cool mom and also a part time plumber. Trains vs threesomes and Pata Fria booked another surgery.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • Hella Infused  High quality handmade and lab tested CBD infused products. Support local Black woman owned, independent business! Right now Hella Infused is adding a CBD pain oil, CBD honey and CBD sea moss!! Continuing to extend 20% off to our listeners., head over and shop now using code: hellodysfunction at checkout.  hellainfused.com  IG: Instagram.com/hella_infused Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

We’re back together again!  Crystal is a sex queen. Bunny’s becoming a bit of a problem and please always wash your hands!  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • Poshmark  The seasons are changing, we’re ready to clean out our closets and grab some new items for fall!  Poshmark is our favorite reseller app on the market. It’s super easy to set up a closet to sell your items for cash and browse thru thousands of gently used and brand nee items, some at 70% below retail.   Right now Poshmark is extending a $10 discount to our listeners on your first purchase!  Just use invite code dysfunction10 when you sign up! Invite code: dysfunction10 • Hella Infused  High quality handmade and lab tested CBD infused products. Support local Black woman owned, independent business! Right now Hella Infused is adding a CBD pain oil, CBD honey and CBD sea moss!! Continuing to extend 20% off to our listeners., head over and shop now using code: hellodysfunction at checkout.  hellainfused.com  IG: Instagram.com/hella_infused Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Keep you head on a swivel, weirdos are out there. Raising sons isn’t always a great time. Pumpkin season is upon us and tiktok is great for life hacks.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.  Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!  Start now at dipseastories.com/dysfunction That’s D I P S E A stories .com/dysfunction  • Hella Infused  High quality handmade lab tested CBD infused products.  Black woman owned/local/independent business! Right now Hella Infused is offering a free gift and 20% off to our listeners. Shop now using code: hellodysfunction at checkout.  hellainfused.com  IG: Instagram.com/hella_infused Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Please note, this is our first episode recorded separately due to covid. Our quality of sound may have been somewhat compromised. A few updates, a few write  ins…everyone be safe and thank you for listening!  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • Poshmark  The seasons are changing, we’re ready to clean out our closets and grab some new items for fall!  Poshmark is the best reseller app on the market right now. It’s super easy to set up a closet to sell your items for cash and browse thru thousands of gently used and brand nee items at 70% below retail.   Right now Poshmark is extending a $10 discount to our listeners on your first purchase!  Just use invite code dysfunction10 when you sign up! Invite code: dysfunction10 • Hella Infused  High quality handmade lab tested CBD infused products.  Black woman owned/local/independent business! Right now Hella Infused is offering a free gift and 20% off to our listeners. Shop now using code: hellodysfunction at checkout.  hellainfused.com  IG: Instagram.com/hella_infused Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Crystal Barbie wasn’t real, call her Crystal hot tits. Everyone needs to explode sometimes. HSP explains a lot. PeePee is doing much better, Natalia made everyone early valentines. Check the dates on all snacks always.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.  Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!  Start now at dipseastories.com/dysfunction That’s D I P S E A stories .com/dysfunction  • Hella Infused  High quality handmade lab tested CBD infused products.  Black woman owned/local/independent business! Right now Hella Infused is offering a free gift and 20% off to our listeners. Shop now using code: hellodysfunction at checkout.  hellainfused.com  IG: Instagram.com/hella_infused Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Bunny had her first fight, Crystal ate some bad food, Pata Fria is loving store deliveries and curbside service. When was the last time you ran full speed? Stay your asses off the milk crates and race play kinks are unfortunately a thing.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.  Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!  Start now at dipseastories.com/dysfunction That’s D I P S E A stories .com/dysfunction  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Happy Birthday Crystal, fussy babies and the first day of school. Don’t eat chocolate in the bed and does anyone know how long plan B lasts?  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • Hella Infused  High quality handmade lab tested CBD infused products.  Black woman owned/local/independent business! Right now Hella Infused is offering a free gift and 20% off to our listeners. Shop now using code: hellodysfunction at checkout.  hellainfused.com  IG: Instagram.com/hella_infused Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Crystal got embarrassed at Alpha Beta and has ugly nails. Pata Fria is a lonely girl, but don’t marry your cousin or your child. Starbucks is really slackin so thank god for Orbit Coffee!  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.  Right now Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day trial of full access for our listeners!  Start now at dipseastories.com/dysfunction That’s D I P S E A stories .com/dysfunction  • Hella Infused  High quality handmade lab tested CBD infused products.  Black woman owned/local/independent business! Right now Hella Infused is offering a free gift and 20% off to our listeners. Shop now using code: hellodysfunction at checkout.  hellainfused.com  IG: Instagram.com/hella_infused Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

PMS is killing us. Was Crystal actually a southern woman in a past life? America’s eating habits are embarrassing. Don’t wait for the stink.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • Hella Infused  High quality handmade lab tested CBD infused products.  Black woman owned/local/independent business! Right now Hella Infused is offering a free gift and 20% off to our listeners. Shop now using code: hellodysfunction at checkout.  hellainfused.com  IG: Instagram.com/hella_infused Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

We’re still wearing masks, Pata Fria’s sex drive is on it’s way back and Crystal got her mouth clawed. Don’t poison your family, be passive aggressive or start fires with your gender reveals.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • Hella Infused  High quality handmade lab tested CBD infused products.  Black woman owned/local/independent business! Right now Hella Infused is offering a free gift and 20% off to our listeners. Shop now using code: hellodysfunction at checkout.  hellainfused.com  IG: Instagram.com/hella_infused Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

We’re happy to be back, last week was eventful. Art show was a success, Crystal samples drinks before buying and Pata Fria is fixing her Marge. Please practice fire, covid and drug safety. Crystal has a connection to New Orleans and they love making themselves known.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • Hella Infused  High quality handmade lab tested CBD infused products.  Black woman owned/local/independent business! Right now Hella Infused is offering a free gift and 20% off to our listeners. Shop now using code: hellodysfunction at checkout.  hellainfused.com  IG: Instagram.com/hella_infused Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Welcome to the news.  PeePee is small and if you don’t have a medical clearance please make sure you’re at our art show. Pata Fria had a really vivid dream and beware of ticks! Door Dash has been a joke and Crystal’s phone is still x-rated.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • Hella Infused  High quality handmade lab tested CBD infused products.  Black woman owned/local/independent business! Right now Hella Infused is offering a free gift and 20% off to our listeners. Shop now using code: hellodysfunction at checkout.  hellainfused.com  IG: Instagram.com/hella_infused The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Happy Birthday Frida Kahlo. Leo the cat used one of his lives and vets are kinda like car salesman. The art show is next week so buy your tickets now! PeePee is a true intellectual. Some twins are EXTRA close and Crystal discovered an awful fetish.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • Hella Infused  High quality handmade lab tested CBD infused products.  Black woman owned/local/independent business! Right now Hella Infused is offering a free gift and 30% off to our listeners. Shop now using code: hellodysfunction at checkout.  hellainfused.com  IG: Instagram.com/hella_infused The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Crystal has boob sweat, Pata Fria’s back is broken. Pay attention to signs from the universe, love your friends while they’re here, Pata Fria is planning yet another surgery and Crystal loves 80s mullets.  This week’s tv recommendations are: High On The Hog (Netflix) Outcry (Showtime)  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • Hella Infused  High quality handmade lab tested CBD infused products.  Black woman owned/local/independent business! Right now Hella Infused is offering a free gift and 30% off to our listeners. Shop now using code: hellodysfunction at checkout.  hellainfused.com  IG: Instagram.com/hella_infused The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

There’s a cat in the room and it’s Bunny’s birthday!! Crystal had a Reno getaway, Pata Fria’s had a busy busy week. DNA testing, c-sections are serious, Crystal loves the Tootsie Roll.  This week’s tv recommendations are: • 7 Deadly Sins (Showtime)  • The Accused (Hulu) Check out this week’s sponsor! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

This week we tried something new and linked with the Judge Us Not podcast for some male perspective! We hope you enjoy!  Check out this week’s sponsor! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Pray we aren’t getting sick, keep an eye on creepy teachers, technology is really changing lives. There’s now a huge free resource for sex workers, don’t defend your children’s wrongdoings. A genital anomaly, let’s all educate ourselves on gender and sexuality.  This week’s tv recommendation is:  • Gender Revolution: A Journey w Katie Couric (Disney +)  Check out this week’s sponsor! • HB Crystals If you’re into crystals for their metaphysical properties or just to admire their beauty, check out @hbcrystals on Instagram! There’s something for everyone and they have live sales every week.  The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Crystal has dry socket, Pata Fria doesn’t have new brows but she does have new bras. Hackers are active on IG and we’re just constantly reminded how awful humans are. Don’t lie to AAA and don’t be afraid to ask where someone got their butt done.  Check out this week’s sponsors! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Crystal is a registered foster dog mom, Pata Fria had a really nice bday. Nothing ever goes smooth so just laugh.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  • Ultimate Warrior documentary (A&E) • The State of Texas vs Melissa (Hulu)  Check out this week’s sponsors! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • HB Crystals If you’re into crystals for their metaphysical properties or just to admire their beauty, check out @hbcrystals on Instagram! There’s something for everyone and they have live sales every week.  The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Gemini season is upon us, don’t be outside with a dookie stain, urine therapy is not real and pregnancy fetish is pretty popular. Piercing is much worse the second time around, Crystal is still expanding her vocabulary and the human body is amazing.  This week’s tv recommendations are: • Hoarders (Netflix)  • Unhinged (Amazon) Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Happy Mother’s Day, warm weather is upon us, Pata Fria is being responsible. Everybody doesn’t need kids, go thru your family’s texts, Crystal loves vibrating beds.  The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

A day late and a dollar short. Crystal is missing her foster puppy and Pata Fria had a rollercoaster of a week. Beware of ticks, scabies and Californians may have an accent.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Crystal has vertigo and a close relationship with AAA. Covid is still here, Rest In Peace CY. Pata Fria is liking her meds but being around people is still rough. Noise bothers you more when you get older, be careful with life coaches.  This week’s tv recommendations are: • Insecure (HBO)  • I Care A Lot (Netflix) again lol  • The Family I Had (Amazon)  • Exterminate All The Brutes (HBO) Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

We had some technical difficulties recording this episode, bear with us. Pata Fria is planning another surgery, Crystal had a run in with the cops. Bra shopping isn’t a good time and don’t hoard your Meals On Wheels containers!  This weeks tv recommendations are: • 2020 (Hulu) The Chameleon and Tangled Web episodes • Them (Amazon prime) • The Lie (Amazon prime)  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Crystal’s favorite store is gone, Billy is at it again, don’t see clients in Discovery Bay and monitor your kid’s porn searches. Happy Birthday Mark and Pata Fria’s dreams are still outta control.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  Koncrete podcast’s YouTube episode featuring Mark Laita of Soft White Underbelly.  The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories/birthdays at: [email protected] 

April Fools, Easter and making sure everyone showers. Crystal is still betraying Pata Fria in her dreams and both are fully vaccinated. Don’t rush your happiness, 30s are when the REAL fun starts and we’ve never regretted breaking up with anyone.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

The hot weather is not appreciated, Crystal is BACK in FB jail, Sharon Osbourne is shit, Chet Hanks is embarrassing. The universe is hella funny sometimes, spirits are acting up, let us keep our body parts and now we know how Natalia really feels.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  • Q: Into The Storm (HBO) • Seaspiracy (Netflix)  • Beauties of The Night (Netflix)  • Tina (HBO)  • The Shining (HBO)  This week’s podcast recommendations are: • Radical Musings with Rosanna Arquette! Check out this week’s sponsors!  • CD Universe  Explore their huge selection of assorted sex toys for yourself or to enjoy with a partner!  Limitless assortment for every interest and curiosity.  cduniverse.com  The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Crystal nearly dislocated her shoulder, Pata Fria’s dysfunctional trip to the snow, Billy loves Elvis, onlygrans, watch your mouth on the phone and keep it cute on clubhouse.  This week’s podcast recommendations are: • Radical Musings with Rosanna Arquette! • Sword and Scale episodes 177, 178, and 180. Check out this week’s sponsors!  • Hella Infused  High quality handmade CBD infused products.  Black woman owned/local/independent business! Right now Hella Infused is offering a free gift and free shipping to our listeners. In addition, all proceeds will be donated to Instagram.com/sisters_helping_hands_ fund to feed the homeless. Shop now using code: hellodysfunction1 at checkout.  hellainfused.com  IG: Instagram.com/hella_infused • CD Universe  Explore their huge selection of assorted sex toys for yourself or to enjoy with a partner!  Limitless assortment for every interest and curiosity.  cduniverse.com  The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Nostalgic cravings, an old dumb monarchy, there’s always gold in the comments. Sharon Osbourne is gross, we love positive examples of sex workers, virginity is a societal construct.  This week’s podcast recommendation is Radical Musings with Rosanna Arquette!  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • Hella Infused  High quality handmade CBD infused products.  Black woman owned/local/independent business! Right now Hella Infused is offering a free gift and free shipping to our listeners. In addition, all proceeds will be donated to @sisters_helping_hands fund to feed the homeless. Shop now using code: hellodysfunction at checkout.  hellainfused.com  IG: @hella_infused • CD Universe  Explore their huge selection of assorted sex toys for yourself or to enjoy with a partner!  Limitless assortment for every interest and curiosity.  cduniverse.com  The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Crystal is emotional, Pata Fria is not Italian. Stretch your butthole. Post our dead pics. How to hire a hooker and mosquito-eaters are harmless.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  •Meghan Harry Oprah interview (PBS) • Bliss (Prime)  • Biggie doc (Netflix)  •Pretend It’s A City (Netflix)  Check out this week’s sponsor!  Hella Infused  Highly recommended handmade CBD infused products.  Black woman owned/local/independent business!  www.hellainfused.com  IG: @hella_infused The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Crystal got her final vaccine, Pata Fria has gerd. Don't have power trips while driving and be very careful using uber and lyft. Cute puppies, perform a random act of kindness, stalkers are no fun and some unfortunate news stories.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  I Care A Lot (Netflix)  Buried by the Bernards (Netflix) Canine Intervention (Netflix)  Allen v. Farrow (HBO Max) The number for covid testing in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Check out this week’s sponsor! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

We’re entering the world of video. Crystal’s cat has fallen in love. Acid reflux feels like death is near. There’s a teen missing from Richmond. Cleaning your eyelash extensions is a must. Is there really a such thing as “just friends”? And nevermind the expiration dates.  This weeks tv recommendations are: Soft White Underbelly: “Faith” episode (YouTube)  Judas and The Black Messiah (HBO) War Dogs (Netflix)  Crime Scene: The Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel (Netflix)  The number for covid testing in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Check out this week’s sponsors! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Disrespectful dreams. Carolyn gets a haircut. What do you want to be when you grow up? The truth from Doug. Wishing Tessica the best. Sex work really is empowering and witchcraft won the Super Bowl.  This week’s tv recommendations are: Jersey Shore  Season 3 of The Sinner  The number for covid testing in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Check out this week’s sponsor! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

It’s been a really dysfunctional week.  The original is always better than a copy. There’s been a horrible local murder. Awkward parenting moments, the disgusting wealth gap and some great listener write ins.  This week’s book recommendation is:  How To Talk To Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere by Larry King  The number for covid testing in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Check out this week’s sponsor! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

It’s raining it’s pouring, Crystal got the vaccine and is in Facebook jail, AGAIN! Constipated babies, postpartum hair loss and Pata Fria might not be asexual after all. Eskimo sisters, don’t tattoo animals and stay out of ppl’s trash!  This week’s tv recommendation is:  Tell Me Who I Am (Netflix)  The number for covid testing in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Check out this week’s sponsor! • Syma’s Persian and Mexican Grill 1019 San Pablo Ave.  Albany, CA  symasgrill.com  Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Crystal blows a nervous kiss, we reintroduce ourselves and Pata Fria’s mom hates green. Michigan is taking steps in the right direction, aggressive hippos are throwing off ecosystems and don’t get braces at anyone’s home.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  Night Stalker (Netflix) Unforgotten: 25yrs after Willowbrook (tubi) An American Crime (tubi) Hard Candy (tubi)  Book recommendations:  A Child Called “It”  The number for covid testing in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Check out this week’s sponsors! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • Syma’s Persian and Mexican Grill 1019 San Pablo Ave.  Albany, CA  symasgrill.com  Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Crystal thought she had Covid. Coffee is just a blindfold. Take care of your credit and cheese is more addicting than crack. Vaping isn’t safer than cigs and please don’t call our phones or do emergency break-thrus.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  Dear Mr. Gacy (on Tubi)  Surviving Death (Netflix)  The number for covid testing in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Check out this week’s sponsor! • Syma’s Persian and Mexican Grill 1019 San Pablo Ave.  Albany, CA  symasgrill.com  Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Covid is acting a fool, protect your toes! Carolyn takes a fall, grieving is tough, are you being accountable for your own actions? Celebrities and their spouses being frauds, don’t stay with anyone that doesn’t clean themselves and some tardy Happy Birthdays! This week’s tv recommendations are: The Minimalists (Netflix) The Wittman’s (ID Chanel) Obsession: Dark Desires (Hulu)  Check out our sponsors! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • Syma’s Persian and Mexican Grill 1019 San Pablo Ave.  Albany, CA  symasgrill.com  Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]   

2020 is trying to kill Pata Fria. Always practice fire safety. Having kids later in life might be the way to go and Pee Pee is very spiritual. Wipe your devices before gifting them. Don’t touch hot things. Tinder for corpses is unfortunately not a thing, but do you know a serial killer? Some listener questions and lots of laughs.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  Songbird Nekromantik  Diagnosis I’m your woman and Soul.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

It’s been a rough week. The vaccine is here, register your sons for a draft?? Some breaking news in really old cases, and the best verzuz yet. Take care of your mental health, some funny work stories and cool things to watch.  This week’s tv recommendations are: Alabama Snake  Murder on Middle Beach  The BeeGees doc  On The Record  The Surgeon’s Cut  Room 1028 Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Don’t eat the McRib. Kids say the darndest things. Pata Fria chose comfort, LOCK UP YOUR GUNS, now isn’t the time to travel and beware of secret envy.  This week’s tv recommendation is The Occupant on Netflix.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

It’s been a CRAZY week. Irish cream is back, our families aren’t doing well, the covid vaccine is coming. Let’s read more books, weird new citizenship requirements, listener questions and cool things to watch while inside. This week’s tv recommendations are:  Hillbilly Elegy The Kindergarten Teacher  Kennedy Assassination doc Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Xmas is here, let the decorating begin!  Covid scares, crazy soup and a platform shoe. Astral projection, helping our communities and cold raviolis. This week’s tv recommendations are: The Art of Racing In The Rain Game of Thrones  and Antebellum  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]

Rainy days, xmas decorations and cat capes. Independent women jumping batteries, covid is acting up again, don’t be materialistic.  Discrimination, mental health talk and tons of listener write ins!!  Enjoy Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

New car, new president, cold weather and the holidays are now upon us. A really uncomfortable revelation and tons of great listener write ins!  This weeks tv recommendations are: I Was A Child Bride ; The Untold Story (hulu) The Queen’s Gambit (netflix) Frank Sinatra doc (netflix) A Teacher (hulu)  Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

It’s election day and we’re stressed. Halloween, nightmares and menopause. Mysterious medical records, men hitting women, dark humor and managing anger.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Menopause, haircuts and skywriting. Don’t bully your kids, watch out for pipe bombs and always check the walls. Interesting groups, childhood weirdness, we got it all.  PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU VOTE!!! This week’s tv recommendations are: Borat Subsequent Moviefilm and revisiting Nurse Jackie. Join our Patreon! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]  Don’t forget to subscribe/rate/review xoxo

It’s our 100th episode!!  Please make sure you vote like your life depends on it, if you find money keep it, can we lean more towards home remedies?  Cleaning house and plant studies, keep an eye out for all things spooky.  Tv recommendations for this week are:  Endless, Beautiful Boy and Lovecraft Country.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Post office drama, phone overboard, trigger warnings are important and what is the electoral vote! Raccoon babies have arrived, catfish is staged, Saturday is World Mental Health Day.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  Waves I Met The Devil Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Beware of guitar picks, Dottie is happy, baby and Carolyn are getting sassy. Halloween is cancelled, PLEASE make sure you vote.  *Trigger warning: domestic abuse is discussed* This week’s tv recommendations are American Murder: The Family Next Door, The Eddy, and The Getaway.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

We’re back! Hospital nightmares, no skin checks, vaginas do bleach panties. Monitor your kid’s zoom messages and don’t scream in the bank. Ratched is this week’s tv recommendation. Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Our new baby is here!!  The rough ride is finally over, Crystal is healing with a frustrating new side effect, please wash yourself thoroughly before receiving a service.  We can’t hang out with problematic celebrities and as a rule, let’s continue learning and becoming a better you every year.  Queen & Slim is this week’s tv recommendation.   Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Today’s the big day!  Taco Bell KEEPS breaking our heart, Crystal is experiencing some interesting nasal changes, we share secrets on this podcast. Celebrity disappointments, the fires are consuming A LOT, please don’t ejaculate your pets.  This week’s tv recommendations are The King of Staten Island and Married At First Sight.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Crystal updates us on her surgery while Pata Fria prepares for hers. Family drama, lots of bullsh*tting on OF, an injured testicle. A funny work story, a listener write-in, and you’ll never look at butter knives the same.  This week’s tv recommendations are In The Dark, 1BR, Married At First Sight, Steel Magnolias and Fried Green Tomatoes.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Crystal is nervous about surgery and guys are really gross. Our air quality is awful and depression is on the rise. Kittens are available! vaginas weren't made for men and please use extreme care when introducing step-parents into your family. I May Destroy You, Perry Mason and The Rain are this week's tv suggestions. Stay safe and don't forget to subscribe! Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

This week we’re celebrating Crystal’s birthday, playing matchmaker and calling out bullshit. Unexpected places to blow off steam, listener write-ins and probably the worst birthing story you’ve ever heard. Stay cool, stay safe and subscribe xo Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Waking up to some bad news, Crystal is Snow White in her dreams and don't ever question what someone else is purchasing. Fruit cocktail is tied to some uncomfortable memories, new paranormal things are happening and micro penises are more common than you think.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Crystal is dressed like The Ultimate Warrior, Pata Fria is having contractions. Wear clean underwear for your medical procedures. Don’t have strangers text your kids, if you want Dottie or Crystal’s attention use cheese. Pregnancy really causes some unexpected surprises and body modifications have reached shocking new levels.  Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

Welcome back...some babies have arrived, court went well, cats cast spells, watch out for things sucking your feet! Check expiration dates everywhere, don’t joke about anyone’s trauma, utilize social media now more than ever and bring back products from the 80s!  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO

We’re back with a bang and good news from our doctors! Crystal had a long visit inside a small chamber, spiders can’t be trusted, keep your kids close but give your doggies some space. Try new meats and always be aware of your surroundings. Some difficult news and code switching isn’t a good thing after all. Are re-born dolls doing more harm than good?  Enjoy xo

California is shut back down, we might lose the Oakland zoo, Crystal and Kevin made the news! Stop following problematic artists, Oklahoma natives are owed some rent and some listener write-ins are discussed.  Wear a mask, people.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO

Happy Birthday Frida Kahlo. Fires, no sleep, bubonic plague and firecrackers. Racists exposing themselves, a sad election and a couple fights. Always put your own well being first and get out of your comfort zone.  Enjoy xo. 

Busy busy week learning new technology. Crystal’s been diffusing family drama and Pata Fria is stressed from not working. Covid is alive and well and it looks like we’ll be charged for treatments after all. Headlines are usually lies and communication is always key.  Check out our sponsor!   BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO

Happy Juneteenth/Father’s Day/Birthday! The ghost is picking on Dottie, Corona is alive and well, please rinse your damn dishes and everyone needs to wipe. Natalia is at it again, we have some really awesome listeners. No family towels and the ground is still lava.  Enjoy xo 

Family drama, celebrities in trouble, a heart attack scare. Police are being erased from tv, company branding is getting a much needed makeover and a few businesses that won’t survive the pandemic. Some day to day objects that can be surprisingly useful, don’t sell content that isn’t yours! And now’s a great time to explore some online dating. Check out our sponsor!   BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO

We’re back after a break, discussing some of what’s going on in the world. The importance of always speaking up, in the RIGHT way. Problematic family members don’t get a pass. Including Dottie. Crystal has once again expanded her squad. The Bay Area is slowly opening back up and never underestimate the value of good customer service. Check out our sponsor!   BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO

It’s been a long hot week and we’re still under quarantine. Sometimes “friends” can be weird. Please practice some online etiquette, Crystal is now offering legal advice and lending out her purse. Pata Fria’s houseguest is showing off and Carolyn is acting out. Weird news, cool things to watch and stand up for our black brothers and sisters or be exiled, it’s not a choice.  Enjoy xo.  *If you or someone you know needs to be tested for Covid-19 please call  1-888-634-1123

Happy Birthday Malcolm X and Pata Fria. Dottie is on her way out, a new animal is on the scene and pelvic pain is the worst. Find out if Crystal is under investigation and don’t let missing fingers and toes be a deal breaker.  Thank you to our sponsor! Better Help To receive 10% off of your first month head to BetterHelp.com/HELLO, again that’s BetterHelp.com/HELLO for 10% off your first month.

We're back again wishing Stevie Wonder and Dottie a happy birthday. Crystal's animal rescue foundation has re-homed all the kittens as she continues work as a full-time contractor. We share some tips on how not to train your dog, and get ready for bell bottoms because they're back. A little frustrating celebrity news and some tv recommendations. We hope you enjoy xo

We're back from a break because let's face it, sometimes life takes over. Cinco de Mayo is for drinking, we visit lots of weird news, and why were all grandparents so beautiful? Some parenting talk, new film and book recommendations and keep Crisco out of your god damn cookies. Enjoy. Thanks to our sponsor for this episode: BetterHelp Right now, just for our listeners you can go to BetterHelp.com/HELLO and use promo code HELLO for 10% off your first month.

Our brains are getting bored and we’re all dreamers. Home school is stressful. Health over capitalism. Must see show/film recommendations. Frankenstein is freezing and it’s a shitty time for a money scam. Crystal takes us down a dark path about cleanliness and if you don’t want to barter w your landlord don't ruin it for everyone else.  Enjoy.

Same old shit, different day.  Crystal and Pata Fria handled a joint dog catching assignment. Happy Birthday to Crystal’s mom Charlene. Pata Fria is doing a new form of charity work. Don’t expect Crystal to change her cleaning routine. Be careful how you speak to/in front of your kids. No show can really top The Office and Trump is ready to colonize other planets.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp To receive 10% off of your first month head to BetterHelp.com/hello, again that's BetterHelp.com/hello to receive 10% off your first month.

Lonely days, disturbing dreams, some family dysfunction, sassy tones and lots of tv  xo Betterhelp.com/Hello

Keeping in touch with you guys during the social distancing. This week we discuss lucid dreams, a new baby, ridiculous dads, investigating your partner, tiger king and the inability to get motivated lately may not be your fault... 

Week 2 of quarantine is upon us, some ideas for making use of your time at home, companies extending some free offers to the community, don’t let johns take advantage. Crystal is back to normal and discovered an interesting new way to show off your pets.  Enjoy xo

Corona Virus is bullying us all, book vs film. Don’t get scammed on the internet, penis injections are a thing and Pata Fria has added a new service to her menu. Stay calm and safe in the house... We’re all in this together. Betterhelp.com

This week Crystal is starting a water challenge while growing closer to her adopted raccoon. Pata Fria revisits the importance of credit and making money on social media. Porn Hub is in hot water, celebrity sex offenders receive some justice and the corona virus might be scarier than we thought.  Enjoy xo

Mercury is in retrograde and everyone is feeling it. Don’t worry about the Corona virus, strange news, ppl are cat fishing and women’s bodies really have it rough.  Enjoy xo. Betterhelp.com

Financial literacy is important as are cameras surrounding your house. Dog bites suck, 90s beauty products were great and Pata Fria made Crystal litter. Do a credit check on your future partners and don’t ask how much someone paid for their kids.  Enjoy xo

Ep.68.   V Day recap, it’s time to restructure The Bakers Act, we love dating shows and Robert Lee Noye is a hero.  Domestic violence is serious, don’t bomb the wrong house, you can tell a lot about a person by the music they listen to. Enjoy xo Betterhelp.com/Hello to save 10%

Crystals cat is acting like Pata Fria, assume everyone has home surveillance, keep your pets out of your webcam scenes and always support those that support you. Valentine’s tees are a huge hit, no more butter before bed and radio dedications are signs of a good friend. https://www.instagram.com/hellodysfunction

  Crystal saves a cat through osmosis, Pata Fria ponders getting a shock collar for Dottie. Water your hot pockets and wash your ass. Some fun fan questions, a Dom story with a pro golfer and Crystal’ s early wrestling career.

The weekend recap, family drama, McDonald’s soda secrets, pass on the Grammy’s, be on time aka early, practice code switching and let’s all be smart with our money.  Enjoy xo

IKEA sucks, Crystal hates January. Pata Fria searches for a dead body and dentures are really common. Read a book, watch the Aaron Hernandez doc and don’t wear nazi costumes. Enjoy xo   www.Instagram.com/Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction www.Twitter.com/dysfunctionShow

Crystal has another sinus infection and Pata Fria’s energy bill has skyrocketed. We need multiple streams of income so try everything, even singing about cats. Don’t shame people for working regular jobs, don’t be a house pirate. Donate your organs and check your pets for wetness.  Enjoy xo Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction

The first episode of 2020 is here with more vagina talk, explore the possibilities of lube, teach your kids to properly prank each other, never trust a leather kilt, follow the rules of the internet, keep your brains hydrated, some interesting beauty procedures and ear maintenance Enjoy xo   Betterhelp.com

It’s the end of a decade and this week we have the amazing Lil Debbie joining us. Holiday recap, tips on successful gift giving, cats are thieves, New Years traditions from around the globe, don’t cheat during monopoly, baby jousting, and our favorite white trash delicacies.  Happy New Year!!

Crazy Xmas shopping and delivery delays, Crystal celebrates 14yrs w Mark, internet matchmaking, did Pata Fria finally cure her rash, cancel culture, trust your intuition, delicate familial subjects, save your skin after you die, and did a sweat shop make your outfit?  Enjoy  Betterhelp.com/Hello

Rainy days, kids know when you’re gay, celebrity tension, ‘tis the season for kindness, culture vultures, Crystal’s Animal Rescue is still in business, don’t share contact lenses and be nice to strangers that text you.  Enjoy xo

Live show recap, Billy was a joy, Apple is glitching our phones, kids shouldn’t give haircuts, foreplay is mandatory, possible potato crisis, signing up for Better Help, listener questions, I probably won’t let an animal get raped.  Enjoy xo BetterHelp.com/Hello

Vacation observations, don’t take your dog’s pills, poop forensics, respect other laws and cultures while visiting abroad, T.I. is still gross, Bezos’ latest donation, and don’t use my good paper towels.  Enjoy xo Sponsored by Betterhelp.com use code: Hello for 10% off  Betterhelp.com/Hello

Happy Anniversary.  This week’s episode was recorded live before a studio audience. Crystal revisits a childhood kidnapping. Would you paint your son’s nails? Don’t lock your customers inside the store. Shameful OCD subtypes. Men definitely fake orgasms.  

It’s National Kindness Day, is Rodney Reed a serial rapist? Dottie is leaking clear sh*t, there‘s actually a narcissism spectrum, don’t check anyone’s hymen and stop wasting paper towels. XO instagram/@hellodysfunction Facebook/hellodysfunction 

This week the girls periods are syncing in studio 54 with a Halloween recap, no one wants to get drunk and go to bed alone, an absent speculum, always check your tires, strange news and the first round of attendees drawn! Enjoy xo instagram/@hellodysfunction Facebook/hellodysfunction 

Don’t trust Crystal with your Mexican drug operation, the Bay Area has been going thru it, tell your callers when they’re on speakerphone, Kanye does gospel, the universe is being weird, Always removed a logo no one really cares about, don’t be racist for Halloween  Enjoy xo

Cringy words, Crystal has another damn cat, prepare your kids for sticky situations, yoni pearls, blood diapers, the joker, trauma makes you great and a few listener questions. Enjoy xo T-shirts & Sweatshirts Available at Hellodysfunction.com

Kids are difficult, tell your car you love it, the Joker hits home, planned electricity suspension scare, Pata Fria was in a low speed chase with the cops and lots of listener questions Enjoy xo 

The joys of getting old, Pata Fria is still a practicing doctor, true love of true crime, Amber Guyger is guilty, read more books and parenting woes.  Enjoy xo

Typical post break up transformation, Crystal got some new wheels, stranger’s awkward convos, everything is linked to parenting, unusual attractions and white privilege  Enjoy.

Pata Fria’s been getting artsy, Crystal is still car shopping, dreams and your memory are married, tarot readings coming soon, and don’t support shitty celebrities.  Enjoy.

Maria tried to scam Crystal, babies don’t have kneecaps, big fondue plans and an interesting “what if”... Enjoy 

Episode 46 “I Got Played” This week the girls return with some fun and not so fun announcements. Pata Fria is a newly single Grandma, Dottie is adjusting nicely, Crystal is collecting formal gowns for a great cause, Keto is scary and some listener questions are answered. Enjoy. 

This week the girls are back with lots of talk about Hawaii and the introduction of Dottie. Getting old sucks, weird dreams and lots of listener questions.  Enjoy.

Episode 44 starts off with Pata Fria manifesting a new pet and sharing her latest reading, unapproachable soccer moms, school shopping is a drag, the truly dark side of being an empath, drifting off your meds, dysfunctional event planning and don't get in trouble at work! 

This week is episode 43 and the girls discuss some unfortunate events. Always check your drivers license for fine print, brace yourself before entering the post office, download a vpn before watching snuff, and real friends make radio dedications.  Enjoy xo.

This episode focuses on a few odd subjects. Crystal's grandfather's feature in a book,  don't lose yourself in a relationship, is the zodiac international, the rapture is all a big set up, don't give the internet your info, and do let your friends teach you sexual acts.  Enjoy.

Episode 41 starts off with a LA vacation recap, Crystal makes a medical discovery, gentrification woes, movie suggestions, animal tales, kids say the darnedest things, loving all things gross, and a very creepy murder Enjoy xo

Episode 40 is back at you with an announcement of the new Facebook group "Hello Dysfunction, the meetup", hot girl summer with golden girl knees, how this show was born, Pata Fria reunites w her dad, Crystal needs to lock her doors, don't flirt with your son and boobs are sex toys.  Enjoy xo

Episode 39 is here after a week off...the girls describe their new room, another example why humans suck, some celebrity news, food made from science and some beauty tips  Enjoy.

Episode 38 kicks off with a birthday recap, grandma's having company, don't spoil your kids, bad hygiene is rude, our deplorable government, Reebok pumps and some interesting Q&A Enjoy. 

Episode 37 is here with some hippie hacks, trouble the kids have been into, Crystal’s grandfather is worse than we imagined, unknown neighborhood names, why it’s not always good to refer ppl, and Crystal reveals a shocking secret.

Pata Fria reveals a family secret, Crystal has a pleasant surprise while shopping, some film suggestions, what the bedroom is really for, Crystal loves talking to strangers and Pata Fria hates the heat. Enjoy Episode 36.

Pata Fria can’t cry and has tattoo blisters, Crystal has an animal rescue foundation in her home, some mom talk and how to get fly in the 90’s. Enjoy. Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

Episode 34 is here with a birthday recap, some dark family secrets, a medication update, what not to do in the post office, intuition vs anxiety and Crystal rescued more f*cking cats. Enjoy. Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

Episode 33 kicks off with a recap of Crystal's hectic week, a ghost joined the Dom session, weird sex laws, uncomfortable dreams and more. Enjoy. rate us on iTunes  Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

The ladies return for episode 32 with a Mother's Day recap, the importance of being polite, some interesting news, technology is out of control, hygiene nightmares and a work story that involved some of moms miscellaneous items. Enjoy.

A Bonus Episode of Hello Dysfunction with Guest hosts the "Yee Yee  girls"

Episode 31: After a brief hiatus the podcast returns with some dysfunctional family stories, the normalcy of anilingus, bad experiences w cops, a phallic playground, bloody cocktails and lots of listener questions  Enjoy xo

Episode 30 shows up with a bang. Literally. Some talk about how much April sucks, vaginal steaming bars, Crystal's new auntie tribe and the importance of tipping. Dont ask flight crews to do your dirty deeds, queens and princesses, overbearing moms and how Pata Fria's been spending her free time.  Enjoy xo

After an interesting weekend episode 29 covers it all. Pata Fria had a panic, Crystal Barbie and family keep things interesting. Some info and details about kink life, sugar daddies are just older boyfriends, a few celebrity news stories, Planet Fitness does dirty biz, press on nails and listener questions. Enjoy xo

This week a lot of subjects are covered. White privilege is definitely real, Pata Fria made it to Detroit, Crystal does a good deed, pay attention to signs the universe is sending you, put the car in park before you get out, unfortunate news, Fisting is popular, and loads of listener questions. 

Episode 27 is full of random subjects and theories...we revisit chem trails, the effect hairstyles can have on a person, STRONG animal love, sex workers tend to steal, Crystal doesn't eat food or wear panties, Pata Fria completely misunderstood an eBay ad, the latest MJ accusers might be some damn liars, be a good friend or you're outta here, keeping your relationship hiccups within your relationship, and RIP NIPSEY HUSSLE 🙏

It’s dysfunction as usual this week with another ER visit, soccer startup, Crystal’s new shoes and Pata Fria’s “recovery” to name a few. Abortion, some recent news, the importance of transparency and interesting bodily facts are also discussed. Listener questions and a few “would you rathers” are included to finish you off. Enjoy xo

This week is episode 25 and the dysfunction continues with an array of interesting subjects. Some advice is offered to their younger selves, astronauts get a lot of herpes, some women really love dick pics, the French appreciate gross smells, can you really be yourself? and much more. Enjoy, xo

This week episode 24 begins with some feelings about the weather, how we're not anti-pimp and calling men a bitch is a universal no no. Stevi handles business, strip club etiquette and a little talk about Michael Jackson is discussed. More paranormal activity, is makeup catfishing and some awesome listener questions are answered. Mostly. *Our views are our own and not always agreed upon lol... enjoy xo Rate us on iTunes Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

This week’s episode begins with dreams, and spirt communication, discussion of the new MJ documentary, and Billy’s trip to Target for tampons. The ladies also share some info on interesting sex facts, Dubai showers, a begging Bay Area news anchor, and a hypothetical kidnapping. As always, enjoy.

This week we tried something new and had our producer Lev sit in. He won't be back. Enjoy xo Rate us on iTunes Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

This week opens up with a Valentine's Day recap, some parental stress and a warning about Love Potion. Weird news, a 3D printable death chamber and interesting poop preferences are also shared. Some listener questions are answered followed by a disturbing dirty client story. Enjoy xo Rate us on iTunes Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

This week starts off w some celebrity drama, blackface fashion becoming an intentional trend, it's Black History Month, grey sweats are for bachelors only, pathological liars, Pata shares an unfortunate incident (trigger warning: a sexual assault is discussed), ending with a little porch surgery among friends.  Enjoy xo Rate us on iTunes Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

This week there's some talk about problematic celebrities, the beginning of Black History Month, our shitty government, how the internet really can be great, interesting animal facts, listener questions and a story about bikers undoing their pants. Enjoy xo Rate us on iTunes Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

This week's discussion includes circumcision, pubic hair preferences, parental enablers, the new abortion law, birth control tips, war on sex workers, views on Future and Chris Brown, how to avoid being roofied, and why you should always double check your teeth before going to a dentist appointment. As always, enjoy. Rate us on iTunes Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

This week's episode wishes a happy birthday to MLK, touches on some current political dysfunction, the raising of older kids, the effects of drugs and mental illness on a family. Crystal's unhealthy ice cream addiction and bizarre eating habits, pledge to only steal from big corporations, listeners questions, a couple sleep walking stories and book yourself a Dom TKO ;) Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

The following are Rob's guy notes: 1\. Range rover white girl curves 2\. Pata watched netflix and been on her meds 3\. Back page and cryptocurrency 4\. Minimalism 5\. Documentary disagreements 6\. Sexworkers 7\. Good karma moments 8\. Government fuck ups 9\. Face advice 10\. Golden showers and rough sex 11\. Billy's tomatoes weed plants got busted 12\. Pata family crack rate us on iTunes Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

Dog rescues, R. Kelly's bullshit, disturbing childhood stories, bullying, some parenting tips, and dirty creek rendezvous. Trigger warning- sexual assault, grooming and other sensitive issues are discussed. https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

It's New Year's Eve and in this final episode of 2018, Pata Fria and Crystal discuss the new year, white parents w mixed children, repairing your credit, being a submissive Christian wife, how Pata Fria got scammed on craigslist and having foul-mouthed children. Have a safe and happy new year. Don't drive drunk. https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

This week the chaos of Christmas, vintage tips on how to snag a husband, Karma and a false birth control method are all discussed. Crystal shares some family dysfunction and we find out why you shouldn't tell Pata Fria you own a restaurant. Happy Holidays xo   https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

Mental health, toxic relationship behavior, and why Crystal should never enter a church kick off this week's episode. The girls also talk about period sex, shitty celebrities, pervy friends, and Pata Fria's love of shock sites. The holidays, childhood snitching, and good ol' Florida also make an appearance this episode. As always, enjoy. PS- Pata Fria is still NOT a doctor. Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

This week the dysfunction gets a bit serious. The girls are discussing kaiser's strike, losing virginity, relationship advice, holding grudges, a few very personal stories, and more crying (what's new). Of course the mood is lightened with some of Pata Fria's childhood antics, nail shop preferences, and gramma's "heart attack." This episode does require a trigger warning, as sexual assault is discussed. As always, enjoy. Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

This week the dysfunctional duo are offering up parental advice of all sorts. From the Hawaiian Pine-sol event, apologizing to your children, walking the parent/friend line, and teaching your children gratitude. The girls also touch on dick pics, "porn vs. dom" reality, and as always, listener questions. Enjoy. 💦 Get your holiday t-shirt pack at https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

The holidays are here, and so is the dysfunction. This week the duo are talking about weird news, the online attack on sex-workers, favorite porn, a mirror ghost, and penis size. The girls close out with some listener questions, crazy sex, and a few funny stories. As always, enjoy. T-shirt holiday packs available at https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

Crystal’s father Big Billy is here and the dysfunction is outta control.      "I didn't do drugs before I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, I just smoked pot, did acid and rode my motorcycle." Buckle up motherf$^#*s…. Subscribe to our mailing list for updates https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

From chemtrails, to California fires, to Pata Fria's burn unit vagina story, this week the girls are on fire, literally. The duo also goes over premature ejaculation, tampons vs. diva cups, racism, and a ghost story. This episode is packed with self-love, and of course some more crying, lol. As always, enjoy.. Subscribe to our mailing list for updates https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

The dysfunctional duo is back, and unapologetically unfiltered while discussing sex dolls, g-spot location, open marriages, liars, and prison relationships. They are breaking it down and dissecting so listen up. Subscribe to our mailing list for updates https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

It's episode five, and the dysfunction continues. This week the girls are talking about adults that don't do oral, scissoring, pegging, and the time Pata taught Crystal how to drive a stolen car. The girls take some listener questions, give a PSA about trunk junk, and close out with a Dom story. As always, dysfunction at it's finest. 😬🙏 Subscribe to our mailing list for updates https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

This week the deviant duo return with even more dysfunction. Vaginal hygiene, loving people while they're here, Halloween, ghost stories and superstitions. Later in the show they answer some listener questions, talk about male hygiene and a Dom story to finish you off 💦… enjoy. Subscribe to our mailing list for updates https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

In this tell all episode Pata Fria and Crystal Barbie open up and share everything about themselves. Secrets are spilled. They discuss mental health, why we (women) settle for the bare minimum, and the difference between pedophiles and cougars. Subscribe to our mailing list for updates https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

This episode requires a trigger warning. Serious issues are discussed including domestic violence, sex work/safety, murder, child abusers, and child molestation. The duo also touches on lighthearted subjects; The slut walk, favorite podcasts, birth charts, mental health, and a haunted house story that will definitely change the mood. Subscribe to our mailing list for updates https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow

For episode one, Pata Fria and Crystal Barbie come out with a bang. The girls start off discussing Pata Fria's recent BBL (Brazilian Butt Lift), crazy Florida stories, the infamous purple taser, mental illness, medication and Crystal accidentally seeing her dad's package. They also go over Bill Cosby, bullies, raunchy sex stories and receiving electronics from family members that still contain dick pics. Subscribe to our mailing list for updates https://hellodysfunction.com Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow