In this episode, dive into Harit Bhasin's journey of becoming a successful Tech Leader. Learn the importance of embracing conflict and building trust, as well as the value of a 'can-do' attitude, continuous self-learning, and personal branding. Discover how integrating diverse knowledge and fostering a growth mindset can lead to professional success. Gain insights on effective networking, mentorship, and balancing various perspectives within an organization. This episode highlights key leadership principles such as empathy, active listening, and resilience in both startups and large enterprises.Links:Harit Bhasin Rob McPhillips00:00 Understanding Conflict in Leadership02:25 Personal Leadership Journey05:46 Career Growth and Networking10:36 Entering the IT World12:12 Challenges and Resilience16:56 The Importance of Mentorship22:48 Beyond Expertise: Expanding Your Knowledge24:35 The Drive Behind Ambition25:13 The Importance of Continuous Learning28:51 Balancing Priorities and Consistency32:56 Empathy and Leadership34:26 Common Leadership Mistakes39:18 Mentoring and Coaching40:30 The CEO Mindset42:22 Final Thoughts and Advice

How do we lead conversations that engage people and create change?All change starts with a leader who can engage their team. True leaders open conversations that engage their teams. Leaders through their example create the organisational culture.They create the context and set the frame that work is done within.In today's podcast episode I spoke to Rachel Gooen about her work.Rachel coaches individual leaders in her Engaged Leader programme. She also facilitates conversations throughout organisations.

What's the first question for every leader to answer?This is the question Romana Prochazkova answered in today's podcast. She explained the answer that is key for every leader. Especially those early in their journeys.Watch to understand what makes the foundation of your leadership style.Until you have that foundation, you cannot be authentic. Integrity will be a struggle. And you will find it a challenge to connect with your team.A key part of authenticity is understanding and embracing your quirks.People will accept them. And you. But you have to accept yourself and embrace who you are first.

How do we get to peak performance?In an ever more demanding world there are more and more demands on our time and energy.  How do we ensure that we meet the demands of our work, home and family and yet maintain our health and wellbeing.  Everything we do rests on foundational pillars.  Performance too rests on certain foundations.  Performance too rests on certain foundations. I talked to Abigail Ireland about her work and journey in getting people into Peak Performance. What are the habits that will really make a difference?She has a model of Five Pillars of Peak Performance which you can hear about in this episode.

Why should someone choose you?For the job. The project. Or the contract.We live in a world of overwhelming choice and yet each of us is trying to stand out and be valued.The social media world has created the personal brand which can seem contrived. At it's worst it's creating a false image to sell. But at it's best it's about clarifying what you do best, who for and the unique flavour you bring to your work. Clark, Tony and I discussed our experiences and understanding of explaining who we are and what we do.On the surface we each do something similar. But our personality and backgrounds mean our focus and style is different. Tony gets people ready to perform under high pressure. This comes from his background of operating at the highest level in football.Clark challenges so people not only make decisions in the right way, but they make the right decision. This comes from his background in manufacturing where decisions make the difference.I give people understanding about themselves and the context they are operating within. This comes from my therapy background in helping people make sense of their problems.Each of us is unique, but we have to identify the flavour we bring and who it brings most value to.That's the core of authentic branding for me. To do the work for others to understand what you do and who for. So they can say yes or no.

Why do groups of the smartest people make dumb decisions?The Bay of Pigs invasion. The Japanese attack on Pearl Harbour. Blair and Bush's war on Iraq.Every day in smaller ways groups make terrible decisions because of groupthink.Yet the increasing complexity of the world shows that collective intelligence is key. Overwhelmingly, science, business and social breakthroughs happen through teams. Individual brilliance is no longer enough.Rebel Ideas by Matthew Syed shows how teams get it wrong. People not speaking up. The people who could see the flaws not being in the room. The unconscious biases that mean we don't know what we're missing.If you lead or are part of a team, it's a must read.Here's our Book Club discussion with:Eduardo Dos Santos SilvaNeil HamiltonMichael Ward

Whenever we introduce change we meet resistance.Every change involves loss of some sort for someone. That person is likely to be the person who most resists the change. How well we address their concerns determines the smoothness of change.We can push past resistance, but when we don't address these concerns we suffer.Either we get silent conflict and disengagement. We get loss of trust or active sabotage against us. Or we get outright conflict.The success of any change over the long term comes from the ability to change old beliefs.When we leave someone behind. Knowingly or not. We have created a pothole that will eventually cost us.The key to bringing everyone along is empathy and curiosity.Finding out where people are. How they feel. And what is behind their resistance.Links:Clark Ray’s Linkedin ProfileClark’s WebsiteTony Walmsley’s Linkedin ProfileTony’s Website Rob McPhillips’s Linkedin Profile Rob’s Website

Why do we do this?Whenever we join together, there's a sacrifice. We give up time, resources or autonomy. So why would we join?Humans have always joined together because some goals we can only achieve in numbers.Once that was to succeed in the hunt or to stay safe. Now it is to achieve increasingly complex goals. Or even to have a stable wage.We sacrifice something to get something greater together.At the core of what makes a group effective is clarity in that purpose. When we recognise the payoff, we accept the trade-offs. We accept what we have chosen to sacrifice for the greater purpose we are striving for.In this episode, Clark Ray, Tony Walmsley and I talked about purpose in groups and tried to relate it to why we gather to talk.As Tony says, every group needs a clarifying question that guides every decision.What's yours?

How do I get people to do what I want?Change is notoriously difficult. So is leadership. But why?Because often the change we seek to make isn't for the greater good.It's for what I want. For my personal agenda. And that's why we can't get people on board with it.Leadership isn't about how good you are.It's about how good you can make others. It's about how little of your own agenda is involved. The best leader needs little from the group.They don't need their ego stroked. The fantasy of a new leader is that now I'm driving the bus. I can put my ideas into practice. I can set the strategy and prove myself.When reality hits they find they are in the middle of everyone else's demands.They can only steer when they subdue their needs and give the group what is needed.In today's podcast Clark Ray, Tony Walmsley and I talked about ego, stress and leadership.

Everyone wants to feel good about themself.Our inner narrative is driven by this imperative. No-one wants to hate. We hate when we're empty. We need to find a scapegoat that explains why we're not doing as well as we wish we were.In the UK this week there have been shocking scenes of anti-immigration riots. On the surface it looks like racism. Actually there's a bigger problem.This is about hopelessness and groups of people being manipulated.Politicians and Social Media Influencers are creating a narrative that serves their agendas. There are sections of society that feel like failures. And they are being given a narrative that creates a scapegoat.This is nothing new.It's been the story of human civilisation for years. This issue is too big and complex for us to really do justice to. But it is a dynamic that threatens every team.Division.I got together Michael Ward, Clark Ray and Michele to try and make sense of the issues we've been seeing with the UK riots.

Why are some people so much better than everyone else in a given field?What makes a Usain Bolt or Steve Jobs so successful? Is it nature or nurture? Outliers by Malcom Gladwell seeks to answer these question.An Outlier is an anomoly. Most people think of the average as the mean. But most science (at least social science) tracks the mid point. Otherwise the data will be skewed by Outliers.That is, those that fall so far behind, or ahead that they skew the mean. Gladwell focused on those people who achieved outlandish success. Like Bill Gates, The Beatles and Robert Oppenheimer. To try to understand the ingredients of success.Our book club chose it as our first book to read and review. Here's my conversation with:Eduardo Dos Santos SilvaNeil HamiltonSaurabh Debnath

The world is changed by those who can inspire and unite.Whether it's Martin Luther King giving a dream for the civil rights movement. Nelson Mandela uniting South Africans as a new nation. Or a team unifying around a shared goal.We achieve by working together as one.While this is magical when it works, it more often than not doesn't work. It doesn't happen by chance. Because human forces are working to divide your team.It happens when we have a strategy to unify the team.So what's your strategy? Most people don't have a strategy. They think adults will naturally get along.In today's podcast I wanted to talk about the three types of people that make up teams. Why by default we end up with divisive forces. And how we can create the conditions so teams do unite.

Business wants to be scientific.Managers want to see data, facts and evidence to base decisions on. The last thing anyone wants to do is to put the company at risk. No-one wants to be blamed for being reckless.So we buy based on logic.But when we sell logic to people they resist. We buy proven tech and initiatives, but employees don't use it. Because people have their own opinions, preferences and concerns.Every change is made with the promise of a better future.But it's only scientific if we precisely know the outcomes of every eventuality. Science isolates variables and seeks to make choice into maths. Art is based on a best guess that we can make something more appealing.Change in organisations is a guess that what we do makes a better future.Better is subjective. Who is it better for? And how can we know another choice wouldn't be better?We make business decisions never knowing if another is betterNever knowing how the variable of different people will respond. In the clip Clark Ray, Tony Walmsley and I talked about change. From a football manager's perspective. To the implications for business and politics.Links:Clark's Linkedin - https://www.linkedin.com/in/10thman/Clark’s Website:  https://www.clarkray.comTony Linkedin - https://www.linkedin.com/in/tony-walmsley/Tony’s Website:  https://theleadersadvisory.comRob's Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/robmcphillips/Rob's Website: https://robmcphillips.com/

Every life has value and lessons.Hollywood and the mainstream media look for the blockbusters. But often the insights and lessons we need come from people like us. People living everyday lives who have seen something that we haven't.A book has a life's experiences encoded into a few hours read.Those few hours can let us vicariously experience a lifetime of insights. Someone who's worked 30 years in a narrow field can have the insights we need. Not Nobel Prize winning, but enough to solve the problems we face.Michael Ward is a man who has lived a full life.Business Owner. Management Consultant. Author.He's spent many years working in, and with, organisations. He's written popular books on Management and on his passion, Climbing. He's also ghostwritten a number of other booksNow he helps people share their ideas and lessons with the world.He works with them to structure and write books that make an impact. People who might not otherwise ever contribute their ideas. Whether through lack of time, writing skills or confidence.We had a wide ranging discussion covering Psychology, Politics, Economics and much more.Links:Michael Ward: https://www.linkedin.com/in/michael-ward-7a4671227/Should You Write A Book PDF: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Z1DwF-s-gqZSlXEBGOS4RvUEnlOg4ysg/view?usp=share_linkMichael's Website: https://michaelwardghostwriter.com

When we gather together, there's pressure to agree.Groups create norms. And belonging often means we have to conform. Challenging those norms threatens the group.And so it can put our belonging at risk.As a result there is a dynamic to agree. To choose people like us. To conform to the pack for safety and harmony.But we become blinded to danger.We make poor decisions that threaten the group's safety. We don't see what was obvious to others. It happens over and over again in all kinds of groups.The key is in having diversity of thinking.But this means we have to create the safety to challenge. And the ability to be challenged internally. All, so we can safely navigate the real external dangers.In this podcast episode Clark, Tony and I discussed diversity, conflict and groupthink.

If you had one shot...One opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted...Would you capture it or let it slip?We never know when an opportunity will fall to us. And often they fall when we're not prepared. We kick ourselves for not having the presence to say what we later think of.That moment slips because we weren't ready.Mastery means training to be better when we need to be. It's mastering the extra 20% that most people won't put in the work for. It's preparing for any eventuality.All so when the moment drops into your lap you're ready.Jung coaches personal mastery so that when those moments arise, his Clients are ready. They take their shot. And don't regret fluffing their lines.In today's podcast Jung and I talked mastery and his journey.In this clip he tells about a pivotal moment in his career. In front of 2,000 people his CEO belittled and ridiculed him. He spoke about how he responded and how that helped him to grow.How would you respond in that moment?Links:Jung's Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jung-wing-wan/Website: https://jungpersonalmastery.com

Where does power come from?Does our authority come from our position? Or from our presence? Our belief will affect how we show up.People who see their power as their position will seek to build their status.People who see their presence as power, will seek to engage to develop their influence.We aren't always in control of, if and when, we get a position of power. But we are in control of developing our presence to influence others. We can develop our skills to communicate effectively.Pallavi Sidhra is a Coach helping women leaders to access the magic inside themselves.We discussed life, communication and relationships

250 years ago the founding fathers drew up the U.S constitution.They had been able to learn lessons from older nations and avoid some of their mistakes. This disparate union of states grew to become the world superpower. Today, there is a new and ambitious union that is looking to launch itself as a global player.As a region it is having to unify many tribal interests in massive unified goals.I'm always interested in examples where groups unify behind a single goal. It is also a great source of opportunities, but it has a very different culture to the western world. The result is we have a lot of misconceptions about doing business in the Middle East.Corina Goetz is doing her best to smash those stereotypes.Corina grew up in Communist East Germany. She moved to London when she could. As a German (especially as an East German) she felt misunderstood and stereotyped.She saw the same misunderstandings in Westerners dealing with Middle Eastern Clients.Now she works to bridge these gaps. As a non-Arabic speaker. A German woman, she nonetheless works with Gulf Clients from Royalty to VIP.And now she helps others to avoid the mistakes that cost contracts.Her agency Star-Cat teaches people who want to do business in the Gulf region what they need to know. From finding opportunities to cultivating relationships. To making sure Clients are satisfied.

Do you like to read?I've always loved to read. It's the possibility of finding new ideas. Ideas are the building blocks I play with.When I read books I want new ideas.Ideas that change my thinking. Ideas reimagined. Or ideas refuted. I love to read, but now it's something I don't always find the time to do.When I realised some of my friends read a lot it gave me an idea. Let's start a regular book club slot on the podcast. We kicked off discussing books that had the most impact on us.Here's some of the ideas we discussed from books.On the panel were:Eduardo dos Santos SilvaNeil HarrisonSaurabh Debnath

Most leadership is remedial.For me, a Leader has three key roles...1. To articulate the vision of what the collective is going to achieve. 2. Agreeing the strategic direction that everyone's going to follow. 3. Carrying the group along and ensuring the values of the beliefs of what it means to be part of the group are upheld. The problem is that much of management is about picking up the pieces. When communication has failed. When there's conflict. Or when people are struggling.We put an enormous amount of pressure on leaders to be superhuman.And then we're surprised when we see so much 'bad leadership'. The problem isn't the person. The problem is we set the bar too high.What if instead of asking one individual to lift the group, we raised the team?What if the team managed their own relationships. Kept communication flowing. And worked collectively.This is what I call a Leader Ready team.Ready to lead. Ready to be led. A team bonded in purpose.Today is a different podcast episode.I wanted to share the philosophy behind The Unified Team Podcast.

If you failed at your job more than 50% of the time would you still have a job?Imagine a Surgeon who failed half the time. Or a pilot. Or a production line.Now look at the divorce statistics.More than half of our most commited relationships, marriages, end in divorce. Ok divorce isn't necessarily failure. But we bond together to have something that lasts.And at work, we have the same problems where relationships struggle. This creates divisions, power struggles and personality problems.When failure is this widespread it's not down to an individual, but to the model we operate from.Divorces started to skyrocket about 60 years ago. As the world became more equal, some men are struggling to adapt to the changes. Those struggles affect women in their relationships and interactions with men.Last week, I discussed with Clark and Tony how we as men saw the challenges of being a man today.This week, I discussed with an all-female panel. We discussed how women can support men through a changing world. So we can all get to a world where each thrive.On the panel were:BrankaLisa CunninghamSarah

What does it take to lead?To lead others we have to be able to tap into something in them. We have to have the empathy and sensitivity to see how what we do impacts them. We have to have the self awareness to adapt and adjust what we do, based on the feedback we get.Our ability to lead others comes from our awareness of who we are.There are lots of personality tests and tools to find strengths and values. But every strength also has a shadow. A context in which it becomes a limitation.If all we have is a basic set of tools, we will only succeed while the environment fits those tools.Mastery is being able to operate in any environment. That means deeply knowing our self. Even more than knowing who we are, is where that self is limiting.Many entrepreneurs build success through chaos, but destroy it when it needs order.None of us are perfect. We are all flawed. We just need to know and accept our own flaws.Clark Ray, Tony Walmsley and I discussed the importance of knowing yourself. And especially the quirks and flaws you don't want to admit.

How do we inspire others to achieve great things?Saurabh Debnath was on course to achieve his lifelong goal of representing India at cricket. That is to be one of 11 in a country with a 1.4bn population. That is a 1 in 127 million chance.Yet Saurabh was on course to hit it.By 18 he'd played for three years in the Ranji trophy as a fast bowler. He'd been selected to represent the best team, Mumbai. But then disaster struck and he injured his wrist.He switched his focus to his studies and graduated with an MBA.His first job out of Uni had him managing a product with an 800 strong team. This is someone who sets big goals and goes after them full pelt. And now this is what he teaches others to do.His first book teaches how to use the 80/20 principle to make more impact with less effort.He consults with organisations to help them achieve audacious goals together. And he mentors individuals to stretch towards the great things they want to achieve.

Do you remember the story of the three little pigs?They each built a house. But only one built one that was strong enough to withstand the big, bad wolf. That saved the day.When you build a house, you dig down to lay strong foundations.These are what give a house its strength. And so when gale force winds and even hurricanes come, the house can often sustain the force. The strength of a house lays in solid foundations.In people, the same is true.We have strength, skills and capacity. But they are dependent on the foundations of how we nourish and supply our energy. Our emotional wellbeing is our foundation.It is the strength we can draw from.Happy and healthy we can operate at full capacity. But when we drain energy without refilling it, we run out and burn out. Just as we need to eat, we need emotional nourishment too.Branka Pestar Hajšek grew up angry and experiences in her teens made her confront her emotions.Since then she's been on a journey to understand emotions and help people listen to them. She's found a richer, happier life through developing her emotional intelligence. And now she teaches others to do the same.We had a deep conversation about emotions.How we both perceive them. How we process them. And how they affect our relationships and work.

The problem with men is...As a relationship coach I heard the problems of trying to date and relate to men. Sit in a coffee shop or a bar and you'll often hear women talking about men and their shortcomings. The media tells us about toxic masculinity.What's clear is men are struggling.With relationships. Depression. And suicide.The world has changed and there's a section of men who aren't adapting with it.Some of them go online to make sense of their situations. Andrew Tate and co tell them they need to dominate their women. The Red Pill and Incel movements tell them they are victims of an unfair world.It's a problem that affects the individuals, their relationships, workplaces and society.In this episode we tried to unravel what is the real issues making men feel like this. What are the gaps that are leaving women feeling unfulfilled in their relationships. And how can we navigate through this time of change without leaving angry and broken men behind.Thanks to Clark Ray and Tony Walmsley for bringing some light to this critical issue.

How do you answer what do you do?It's a question that many of us hate because we often don't have a concise answer. It might involve a label that limits us. And it doesn't cover the range of how we do, what we do and makes us special. At best, it's limiting and at worst it's confusing.Today is a special episode of The Unified Team Podcast.It's a milestone as it is the 100th episode and my guest is possibly the nicest man on Linkedin.Eduardo was one of my earliest connections on Linkedin. Yet, I never approached him because I didn't see a clear topic to discuss. He is one of those people who are hard to pigeonhole.🤹‍♂️ Husband and father.🤹‍♂️ Ex-Pat.🤹‍♂️ Technology leader.🤹‍♂️ Coach.🤹‍♂️ Linkedin Creator.🤹‍♂️ Author.🤹‍♂️ App Developer.🤹‍♂️ Book Reader and Reviewer.🤹‍♂️ Speaker.🤹‍♂️ And currently available for another Technology Leadership role.We talked about growing through pursuing your interests. About developing a portfolio career. And about how his wide range of interests add to what he can bring to his team.

I have a dream...With those four words Martin Luther King focused a movement on a dream they could all commit to. Campaigners could unite around the idea of all being equal. It was the core premise they all agreed and identified with.Whether our team is a sports team, social movement or corporate team we need a vision.It is the vision that frames every interaction. Every relationship. And it is what guides their decisions.Done right, it connects to something inside each team member feels and how they see themself.This link between the vision of the collective and the identity of the individual is the core thread. The strength of the team bond comes from this thread. In this episode...Thomas CourtsTony Walmsley...and I discussed vision and identity. With examples ranging from football tribalism to national patriotism. How do we engage and emotionally connect everyone to the mission?

Engage, empower and educate!That's Chris Cotter's strategy for getting teams to work together.Chris visited Japan as a Graduate and never returned. Working as a language teacher he ended up running a language school. Then he moved to a tech startup building a language learning app.This was where he developed his thinking about developing teams.Coming from the United States to Japan, from individualism to a collectivist culture. Chris believes if you engage, empower and educate your team they'll perform at their best. In this episode he shared his thoughts.Listen in to hear his story and philosophy of getting teams to perform.

How can you support your team through change?Change is the norm now. Organisations are almost permanently making some change or another. It's an upheaval while still trying to keep business as normal.How can you get your team through the process?I asked two Change Management Experts for their tips.Listen in to today's Unified Team Podcast to see what Daniel Lock and Lisa Cunningham DeLauney had to say.

All of us have been sold a lie!Be a good boy or girl and do well at school. Put your head down at work. And then you'll get your reward and be happy.It isn't what happens.It's why we have mid-life crises. It's why people are turning their back on corporate life to brunch out for themselves. The default model doesn't work out.It was a lie to make you work for other people's goals.Annika Mohlin 🌱 like many, followed the rules. Worked hard and moved up the ladder. But one day she realised it wasn't working for her.With a Coach she found a path to happiness and fulfilment.And now, she gets her joy from supporting others through the same transition. She helps them break free from the mould. And recreate who they want to be with her Own Your Journey.In today's episode Annika shared her journey with me.Links in profile and comments to video and podcasts.

Life exists in tension.Everything we do, is done along a spectrum of tension.Conflicting goals create tension. Leadership is about managing those tensions.Managers want to create a psychologically safe environment.Yet, there is a natural tension with the fear of failure and not performing. When you give a speech, prepare a bid or create something it could fail. That fear is at the root of what drives us to perform.Some of the greatest sportsmen have spoken about the fears that drive them to success.Managers don't create this fear, but they have to manage the tension. At the end of the day we go to work to perform. And if we don't perform jobs are lost and companies fail.So Leaders can't remove the fear completely or they lose the tension to perform.You create the safest environment you can. You give people the confidence, competence and connection to take risks. But you cannot protect them from the reality of results.In the end, we have to perform and that determines our results and career success.And that is scary for all of us. But that's life. From the Savannah to the boardroom.Today's podcast episode talks about managing this tension to get your team to perform with...Clark RayThomas CourtsTony Walmsley - Performance Specialist

Before teams can perform people have to be capable of performing.Burning out staff through stress or overload of work means the team will crash. Each individual is also facing personal challenges. Now they might not be strictly work related, they impact their ability to focus and contribute.I gathered an expert on mindfulness and neuroscience, another on health and fitness and someone who'd burned out and recovered from addiction.We talked about the challenges team leaders face and how they can navigate through them.

Leave your emotions at the door!Your personal life is your problem. Be Professional. Just get on with it.Theses are statements that we've probably all heardIn the old factories they made sense. We could press buttons as we stifled sobs and anxieties. Today though, they don't work.When we separate who we are from what we do, we have a soulless, passionless job.In today's Unified Team Podcast episode I was talking to Signe KorjusSigne helps leaders lead in the way they dreamed of. By connecting them to their own source of wisdom and power. So they have the confidence to grow.

Imagine your job rested on how your team performed in the next 45 minutes...how would you get your message across in 5 minutes?As we come to the end of the football season and games that decide who wins titles and promotions. And who loses and gets relegated. This is the situation football managers are facing.The very same lessons apply in every business across the globe.In every situation we are dealing with people. Their varying styles. And the dynamics of the group.A statistic tells us that Managers spend 50% of their time in meetings.Yet 65% of employees feel meetings reduce their productivity.Effective meetings are key to bonding a team and making them work effectively. How we approach 1-1 and group meetings is key to creating the climate and culture that defines the group.In this episode we discussed meeting dynamics. Individual responses and how to accommodate differing styles. How to ensure your message gets through and is heard in the way you want.Some great insights and tips from:Clark RayThomas CourtsTony Walmsley

Is AI to be our Saviour or Enslaver?Every great story is a battle of good vs evil. The question of what role AI plays out in our future is yet to be answered. What is critical is who gets to teach AI.Will it exaggerate the flaws within our own systems or will it bring more humanity?I gathered together a group of people brighter than me to think this through.Giannis Chatzidis Chief Data Scientist and AI CoachMuhammad Mehmood - Ex CEO of Tech companyNeil Harrison - Adaptologist and Change ProfessionalPaula Anastasiade - Change Management Consultant Listen in to see the potential pitfalls and benefits AI could bring.

Bartholomew Sharpe stole something that made him a fortune.In 1680, he and his men sailed out to central America where they stole a Spanish ship. They discovered an atlas of Spanish sailing charts. They used it to find and raid Spanish ships.On his return to England he was arrested for piracy and brought before the King.The Spanish Ambassador insisted he be hung for his crimes. However, Sharpe had something of great value to the King... the atlas. His gift kept him alive and free. Today's episode of the Unified Team Podcast is about mentoring. A Mentor is someone who has a map of where you want to go. They can warn you of landmines. And show you where treasure can be found. I was joined by three people who have deep and rich maps of experience.Matthew Ward started out on his own in business at 23 and grew a 72 strong chain of multi-national Hair Salons before selling up and retiring.Waldemar Zimmer went from the shop floor to becoming CEO of a Multinational company by the age of 30.Akanksha Adivarekar found herself in a new country, unable to practice her profession of Dentistry. She started from the ground up and built a second successful career in the HR field.

What's the most adaptive species on the planet?Some say rats or cockroaches. Despite being low in the food chain, they adapt to their surroundings. Many stronger and more powerful species have been wiped out long before them.Some that argue that humans are the most adaptive.Our intelligence and co-operation has enabled us to live in every climate. We can also change the environment to suit us. The last 300 years have been about manipulating the environment to create the world we know.It's been an act of monumental intelligence... ...and equally monumental stupidity.It took massive intelligence and resourcefulness to secure our survival. But the changes created a wealth of new problems and threats we hadn't considered. Global warming is the headline of these.But there are many more that we are all facing in our workplaces.Burnout. Disengagement. The great resignation.These are symptoms of our evolved biology conflicting with an artificial world. Neil Harrison is co-founder of The Adaptologists.He was involved in many change projects as a Change Manager. Seeing people break down in tears because he was the first person to listen to them had a profound effect on Neil. He saw a need for change that enabled people, rather than change for a specific outcome. With his co-founder Amanda Greenwood, they set out to try to help companies adapt to a post-industrial age world.In today's podcast episode he shared insights and experiences from his journey.

Do you want a first class or economy class life?When we travel we have a choice. We can be herded like cattle in economy. Or we can pay a lot more to be treated better.In life we also have the choice.We can have a vibrant and full experience. Or we can be sluggish and have a dull experience. But this time we pay with our effort and discipline.The key question is how do you source your energy?Do you eat junk, sit around a lot and fill your mind with whatever is on your feed? Or do you eat nutritious food, exercise your body and mind?Priyamvada was travelling through life in economy class.Until one day she'd had enough and chose to upgrade. Today, she lives a first class life. She runs marathons, eats healthily and is conscious about what she pays attention to.Now she helps others to upgrade their lives, by making better choices about how they source their energy.She told me about her journey in today's podcast episode.

How much do you spend on a computer?You can buy a Chromebook new for £179. But most of us spend a lot more. Why?Because we've experienced the frustration of rebooting and waiting after crashing.We pay more for more a better processor and higher RAM. Because it means we can do more. And we have to deal with less frustration.How about your capacity?Are you crashing because there isn't enough RAM free? Are you running our of capacity for high level thinking? Is it time for an upgrade?We can't pull off the cover and slot in more RAM.But we can clear the clutter and the fog to optimise our brain. We can increase our focus. And so we have more presence and more power in each moment.This is what today's guest, Neuro Science Coach, Niki Vinogradoff teaches people to do.He understands the leadership journey having been through it himself. He told me about his path which included living in a meditation centre and training for 15 years. He told me about the challenges people find in beginning meditation.

Which makes more impact... changing technology or people?Of course the best answer is to make both change in harmony.When companies make a big change in how they work, there's two key factors:1. Making the technological/organisational/process change.2. Getting people to adopt and adapt to the change.Project Management developed in the first half of the 20th Century.Often though projects ran into problems because people were ignoring the change. They would continue to do things as they always had. Change Management developed in the later decades of the 20th Century as a fix.They work to bring people into harmony with the change.Daniel Lock is a passionate advocate for advancing the field of change.Besides leading his own projects Daniel coaches and trains other Change Managers.Because Change Management is less understood it is often less visible or listened to.Daniel helps CM's to get the visibility, respect and influence they need to make effective change.

What would you do if you were cut off from the profession you trained for years to do?In a new continent. In a new culture. Without a network. With the one thing you've dedicated your life to be good at, cut off from you.This is Akanksha Adivarekar story. It's a story about the power of positivity and humility. Of making the best of your situation and asking how you can do better.Akanksha is a Dentist by training. And despite the desperate need in the UK for Dentist's she was unable to practice in any form here. But Akanksha looked for the positives. She began sharing her feelings and experiences, anonymously at first.Soon she grew to 9 - 10,000 followers.She had to begin a new career from scratch and started out as a crew member at McDonalds. She rose to manager and then in the learning and development team. Then she developed a career in HR.All from finding Mentors who could help and asking for help when she struggled.In our conversation she shared her passion for helping people through her HR roles. And also her belief in seeking advice and feedback from others.

Becoming a leader is a journey of managing fear.Am I enough?Will I be accepted as an authority?Who am I to lead this group?These fears are at the core of the challenge of leading.In these three mini clips three successful leaders:Clark RayThomas CourtsTony Walmsleytalk about the challenge of becoming comfortable leading and the skills needed to lead well.

Let's talk about Gen Z...They're lazy!They're entitled!They want everything yesterday!Or are they the force that is going to change organisations?Is the problem that we've built structures where people are expected to sell their souls for a job?Are we demanding too much and giving too little to employees?Is it time the work-life balance was rethought?Is it time to bring your whole self emotions and all to work?I got together some bright passionate people to talk through some of these issues.Representing Gen Z - Sandy De JesusRepresenting Millenials - Saieed SadeghzadehRepresenting Gen X - Sarah Gruneisen

When you want to make a change what do you do?You can force people with a stick. You can entice them with a carrot. Or you can talk it through and agree how to work together.Today Paula Anastasiade goes into organisations and works to make changes happen. Without bribery or force. But through dialogue and listeningChange happened through force and fear. Later she trained as a Social Scientist. Her Master's degree involved Conflict Resolution and mediation processes. She understands how people work and interact together in groups. Today Paula goes into organisations and works to make changes happen. Without bribery or force. But through dialogue and listening.I had a fascinating conversation about her experiences and how to make change work.

Careers are made and broken on getting things done... or not.You can devise the most brilliant strategy in the boardroom, but if you can't get people to execute it... you fail.When your success relies on hundreds or thousands of employees, how do you get people on board?How do you ensure projects get people adopting changes to processes or technology?Sophisticated leaders employ specialist Change Managers. They work to get people adapting and adopting the change. I asked three experienced and successful Change Managers...Paula AnastasiadeLisa Cunningham DeLauneyDaniel Lock...what they wish Leaders knew before a change.

If you want to sharpen a knife what do you do?You use a sharpening steel. In the right hands the knife becomes sharper. And then it cuts through with more ease.The world of work is changing. What worked once isn't anymore. We need to cut to the heart of the matter. They say steel sharpens steel. Enter Waldemar Zimmer the steel to sharpen the next generation of leaders.Waldemar saw poor leadership and set out to prove their could be a better way. After working himself up to CEO he sought a new challenge. His new mission is to develop a new generation of leaders.After a childhood of facing and meeting challenges @waldemar allowed himself no excuse.The complaints are that Gen Z are snowflakes, whiners and soft. I see no better Mentor than Waldemar to sharpen the next generation of leaders.Listen in to our conversation to see how I came to that conclusion.

They say when life gives you lemons you should make lemonade.My guest on today's episode is the living embodiment of that motto. He has been challenged in every way and still found a way to succeed. Today he's helping others to lead more successfully.Muhammad Mehmood crossed continents to take up a job in the UK National Health Service.When he got here, a technical hitch meant he couldn't start. Imagine being in a new country without an income, home or knowing anyone. Homeless and jobless he started from rock bottom.He found a job as a Kitchen Porter.Soon he found an opportunity. To turn an idea into a thriving hospitality business that could be successfully sold. After succeeding he was hired in to be CEO of a Tech company.From homeless to leading 10,000 employees Muhammad Mehmood's journey meant completing nine degree/diploma courses (including qualifying as an MD). Learning to speak six languages. And visiting to around 55 countries.I was lucky enough to spend a fascinating hour in discussion with Muhammad Mehmood.And the best thing is that it was all recorded so you can listen in. 

What do you get if you combine data science, coaching and a team?A happy team coached by Giannis Chatzidis.Giannis is a Data Scientist. Team Leader. And a Coach.He found purpose and joy in merging tech and coaching to help people reach their full potential.He shares his journey and process in our conversation.

What if everything you did at work was being reported and analysed... in public!Every decision was pulled apart in the media. Every failure was booed by tens of thousands of people. There was a running critique on social media.When feedback is this immediate there is no hiding.Two Football Managers shared how they manage pressure, ego's and extreme competition. Clark Ray was sharing his parellel experiences in Manufacturing Companies. Together we tried to look for the universal leadership lessons.The PanelThomas Courts ex professional footballer and Manager. He led Dundee United into qualifiction for Europe and also managed Budapest Honved.Tony Walmsley is an ex-Coach for Sheffield and Manchester United. And Manager in the Australian A League, Chinese and Indian leagues. He now runs The Leadership Advisory.Clark Ray until a recent accident consulted with Manufacturers using The 10th Man Principle. He now coaches Individuals using the same core principles.Rob McPhillips host and creator of Unified, a program to unify teams.

In one moment, everything in your life can change!Three months ago Clark lived that moment. A careless SUV driver smashed into his motorbike. Breaking 5 ribs, his sternum, right shoulder, collarbone and two vertebrae.An event like this changes everything.But Clark is not your average guy. He already operated from the 10th Man. The principle that everything should be challenged.Even so, he's had to adapt to recover.No longer able to challenge the boards of Manufacturers he challenges individuals. If life isn't how you want it to, there's no one I could recommend more to change your circumstances. My strategy has always been to change the frame so our philosophies are aligned.His posts are profound and deeply thought provoking. So he was long on my radar to talk. As soon as he was well enough I pinned him down to a time to talk. Here's our conversation.

You're in charge of a team... How do you spend your time?Are you a Leader or a Manager?What's your key responsibilities?How do you create a culture that performs?These were some of the topics we discussed. The panel was...Matthew WardMuhammad MehmoodJohan Meyerand me, Rob McPhillips.

When we're stuck in our careers, how do we get unstuck?How do we get recognition and value for our efforts?How do we avoid being misunderstood in our communications?This was what Johan Meyer and I discussed in this podcast episode.

If life is a river, Sandy De Jesus is diving right in!He's an experiencer of life. A Seeker of truth. And a Creator of the future.From class clown to entertaining, engaging and educating on social media.Sandy is about the same age as my eldest daughter. He told me about his journey and how he sees life. We talked a lot about the generation differences and how Gen Z'ers see life.Organisations around the world have operated in certain ways.Almost every generation has followed the rules. They served their time. Worked their way up.Then when they earned the right to lead, suddenly these kids are changing everything.We can moan and complain. Call them snowflakes and work-shy. Or we can try to understand how they see the world.Today's podcast is a fascinating insight into the world of Gen Z.Told through the charismatic and engaging lens of Sandy

Imagine we could take x-rays and see people’s emotionsYou could see the layers of hurt and pain. You could see the fears and insecurities. You could see a tiny seed of potential. You could soothe the pain and reassure the fears.Then you could take that seed and bring it into a safe incubator. You’d water it. And nurture it until it sprouts. The seed would grow. And that is Sarah Gruneisen's superpower. She sees the seed of potential in people and she nurtures it into a great oak.

When everything changes what stays constant?We live in a world where the world is rapidly changing. Technology becomes obselete. We are continually changing.Lisa Cunningham Delauney has been exploring change for decades.An early proponent of Change Management professionally. She has also experienced change personally. Living in nine countries and speaking six languages.While many of us grumble and resist change, Lisa has run full pelt into change and embraced the journey.In our conversation she explained the difficulty in making change happen. The barriers and resistance. And the importance of communication in bringing people along on the journey.

How do you lead a remote or hybrid team?The world has changed after Covid and the genie isn't going back in the box. We have to get used to a world where we work with people we don't regularly see. We have to become more flexible and face new challenges.Curious about what leading a tech team in a modern world I spoke to Paul Chen about the work he's doing.He shared his insights and experience with me. We looked at how his cultural background and childhood experiences. And how they have shaped his leadership style.

Stories are inspiring and they can teach us lessons about what works.But they also have their limitations. Stories have specific characters and are bound within a context. Someone in a different situation with a different style might not be able to replicate that.Maths is the language of purity.An equation abstracts what is universally true. As soon as it doesn't work in a given context, it is no longer true. So an equation can give us a frame of knowledge that empowers everyone.In this episode we set out to try to identify what are the universal elements of a team that any leader could use as a guide.

How do you unlock the potential in your people?The basic constraint in your business is in your people. When you can unlock that potential, you turn your team into an elite team. The million dollar question is how to unlock that potential. Saieed Sadeghzadeh has some interesting thoughts on how to unlock that potential.As someone who grew up in the UK to Iranian parents, Saieed experienced two cultures.This sensitivity helped him see the importance of culture. Working in both helps him to see how dynamics express themself differently. Now he assesses cultures as an indicator of the health of a team.Saieed was a high performer right out of the gate.But it took him to crash to learn the lessons that help him improve businesses today. First as a first time manager. And later confronting the demons that drove him to perform at the expense of his health.Now he shows businesses a pathway to higher performance through:Self awarenessSelf care EmpathyCommunicationCulture

Is it possible to manage people?If not, how do Managers hold people accountable and manage projects?How do we distinguish between Leaders and Managers?These were some of the questions Matthew Ward helped me to clarify my thinking on in this fascinating hour long podcast episode.

Have you ever listened to a piano that was off-key?The Pianist could be trying their best. Yet, whatever they do it won't sound right. Until the piano gets re-tuned it was always be that bit out.Sometimes people are a little off-key.There's something that isn't working. We can all know it. But how do you get them tuned back in?When a leader is off-key it affects them and their team.In this episode of The Unified Team I spoke to Michalina Buenk.Michalina is a Coach who works with leaders on career and leadership transformations. She has a a range of qualifications and experience, but also empathy and intuition. She has a very different style to the way I work. One I dubbed the piano tuning style. Listen in to see why...

How do we perform under match pressure in the moments that matter most?That's what I discussed with Tony Walmsley - Performance Specialist in the first episode of the relaunched Unified Team Podcast.I've often shared ideas and examples of how football managers unify their teams. So I was thrilled to have the chance from someone who's spent 30 years working at the top level of football. Tony's great skill is helping people to perform at their best in the moments that matter most.

This episode is a call to arms for a new type of relationship.Relationships for many people have been frustrating, confusing and often disappointing.This is because relationships are typically built on a bedrock of blaming, gaming and shaming.The result is unsatisfying relationships that do not meet the emotional needs of the modern world.There is a better way. Modern relationships have to go beyond the knee-jerk reaction to blame, game and shame. We have to build relationships of support and not relationships of control or transactio

The relationships that have most impact on our lives is the family we are born into. How our parents treat us, the dynamics with our siblings will carry into all our other relationships.So we discussed relationships and the difficulty of breaking out of familiar patterns as we changed.

Almost everyone has had a difficult boss, colleague or employee. Here's why work relationships can be difficult and what makes them harder to work with.

Whatever our life looks like in the future is down to how we play the game of life. Every game has limitations and a strategy of how we play the game. In this episode we looked at primary and secondary currencies and how clarity on these can get us what we really want.

How we relate to the world is how we relate to others. In this episode we discussed the six different ways we relate to the reality of our circumstances and others.

Everything we want in life comes through other people. The ability to have good conversations is how we share who we are, understand others and develop connection. In this episode we talked about the elements of state and structure that lead to better conversations.

Every problem we ever face is when we are out of alignment. In this episode we discussed what alignment is and the main levels we want to align.

Last week we complained about everything that is wrong in dating. In this episode we talked about what would be the perfect dating to start a relationship that lasts.

Dating should be so simple. There's almost nothing more natural than one human connecting with another. For all of human history our species's survival has depended on it.Yet, when technology seems to have solved the problem, it's created different problems. In this episode we talk about people's experiences in dating and what they dislike.

There are certain things that are always with us in life. Fear, desire, disappointment and conflict are all things that we have to navigate around. In this episode we talked about dealing with conflict.

This episode is a year from our first Meetups in these groups. We've covered so much ground, from breakups, to dating and so many different aspects of relationships.This was a chance to look back and reflect on what we learned and what's changed for us

Relationships can seem overwhelming. There's so many moving parts, so how can you get all of them right?The truth is we don't need to be perfect. We don't have to do everything right.Yet if we do nothing we never get the relationships we want. Our existing relationships will end up stagnating.So the solution is to get a little better every day. Here's our conversation...

Co-operation is the super-power of humans. We're not the strongest, fastest or most adaptive species.Yet we've dominated the ecosystem.Trust is the glue that enables us to co-operate.Trust is what makes a relationship safe and secure.But how do we build it?How do we lose it?When should we trust? When shouldn't we?In this episode we explored the nature of trust.

Dating and relationships is often filled with questions and confusion. This episode was a chance to air those questions and get answers.

Much of dating advice for men is based on the premise that being an alpha male gets you the girls.Some of the female dating advice is on how to bag an alpha.But is an Alpha really the key to relationship success?

After our 5 Day Get Relationship Clarity Sprint we looked at what's the next step. How do you go to confidence from clarity.

Sex and money are the taboo subjects. that few people are comfortable talking about. In this episode we discussed the way we look at sex and the problems it causes for us.

What makes relationships so difficult for most people?We took a different perspective on answering the perennial question and had a deep and fascinating conversation.

What are the most common relationship challenges and problems women face in their relationships?In this episode we talked to women about their experiences and men about their perceptions. Here's what they said...

Men and women have different challenges and experiences in relationships.Here we spoke about some of the big challenges for a man in navigating relationships and how women perceive these.

Dating is full of dilemmas. Who pays? Should you kiss? Should you sleep with someone on the first date?In this episode we discussed many and talked about the dynamics that cause dilemmas.

Chemistry and compatibility are elusive topics. In this episode we dug in to try to understand more.

In this episode our intrepid Rebels were challenged to work in teams and build a model of how to make a relationship work.After this, we looked at the Gottman's Shared House relationship model. TranscriptWelcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. Tonight, we're here for the the government shutdown relationship House model that we're going to discuss. So you've just been in the breakout room talking about what you think your past relationships may have needed or what they were missing and what would have made them work if they were meant to work. Does anyone does anyone have any insights or thoughts to share based on.That discussion. I have a nice term that came up in my group not needing to have a fair partnership, a sense of a fair partnership, but I like that term needing to have or not need.Yeah, that's that's that's that's a shortfall in a relationship, not having one. But that's what they would love to have. So that's a shortcoming. Not having one. OK, that's a good one. Anyone else stand standing up for a balanced relationship at the same time, standing up, great defending. Now, I'm struggling to remember if Rosa or Rosa.Yes, so we agreed with the girls that it was communication and trust and we talked about how. Sometimes taking a bit longer to get to know the person is a bit more worth it so that you get that kind of connection with them and then you get more communication and more trust and more openness to me personally. What that was, what locked in all of my past relationships was the communication and trust. And like I mentioned last week, there was this lack of vulnerability from the other side, like I couldn't trust the person because they weren't vulnerable with me.So it was just a one way street, really.OK, OK. Any any other qualities, so attributes of authenticity, honesty. Being present and also we have communication. OK, I come validation. OK, compatability. We cannot feel sorry. Another one is not knowing what we need, what we want.OK, self-awareness. Yeah. Within Rispoli, respectful boundaries, boundaries. Are not getting not not getting physical too soon. So, like, say, if you had a date in plan where you didn't have physical contact to say like eight dates or whatever, you might decide that allows you to see the person as they really are and not get caught up in all the chemistry, which is wonderful. But if you're OK, it's almost like a drug. You know, you can get hooked and she's free and not really see what you've got.Do you think that is just going to build up the chemistry and delay it? Or do you think that's going to be a way around that? I think if you give yourself time to see where what the person is actually about and they're a decent human being, there's nothing wrong with me and a decent human being and that being chemistry. But if there's just chemistry, there's no compatibility that is doomed. I think that's my personal experience and opinion. There's gotta be something more.It's okay to have the physical and the the connection and the compatibility. Ideally, you're not going to marry someone you don't find you don't find attractive.Are you OK? And we had in our group the trying to avoid the conflict. Avoid conflict. By pleasing or just simply avoiding? OK. I made suggestions there, got Carol. Sorry about that. Yeah, I just made the suggestion that it seems like you can only really meet and connect with somebody to the level that they've done that with themselves. So how well they know themselves, how developed they are is the depth that you can merge with them.Mm hmm. I think it comes down to that. I think I can't remember who it was that you talked about being vulnerability, the vulnerability. And that's quite interesting, because...

In this podcast we talked about what attracted us to people.What happened to attraction over the span of a relationship and what killed it or kept it alive.We answered whether it can be re-ignited and much more.Transcript[00:00:00.835] Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. So tonight, we're looking at the science of attraction. What is it that makes us attracted to one person and not to another? So you've been in the breakout rooms.[00:00:30.215] I think you'll find you're all Meeteetse. So just tell me if you want to join, if you've got something to say. But so we were looking in the breakout rooms about who you who you like. If you could say anyone or spend the night with anyone, who would you choose? And then looking beyond that, what was there that attracted you to that person? So does anyone want to share what they found from their breakout rooms? Yes, we liked different people, but we all found that we were attracted to the animal magnetism and their presence.[00:01:14.415] OK, so animal magnetism as in. Some of them, yeah, their presence really we describe them as being confident and having a distinct presence about them. OK, I think I could add to that because I was in the same group, I don't mind bringing it to the floor, I think is an example in nineteen fifty eight. So I've got an interesting thing with regards to dates. So in nineteen fifty eight, if anyone remembers, in the fifties there was a very attractive actress who I found attractive and my grandfather found attractive when he was in his 20s, Elizabeth Taylor.[00:01:49.535] So she was in a film called Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. If anyone remembers a nineteen fifties in nineteen fifty eight with Paul Newman. And on the other side, Paul Newman was a very handsome man in the nineteen fifties, but I think Elizabeth Taylor would be one that struck out for me and her personality, in a sense a stage persona. I think Elizabeth Taylor from the 1950s.[00:02:13.015] I think anyone else and also I'm interested in looking at is there a divide like any distinctions between between gender attraction and genders?[00:02:30.505] I think I've read it before that men tend to go off, they have more visual. Well, I must say that I agree with Betty's group, the Animal Magnetism, for me, I would spend a night with Idris Elba and AJ and have gotten from Bollywood movies and Indian fans and Bollywood fans. I would spend the night with them when I want to get intellectual where maybe I'll go elsewhere. But yeah, those two, I'm OK. And so is it the looks.[00:03:05.375] Is it the character they play? Is it something else?[00:03:10.625] Well, in the carrot they can play different characters, but essentially there is something about them. There's presence the way they carry themselves. There's confidence. And you you don't know this for a fact, but you think that they may be interesting just to have a conversation with, but I'm not expecting them to be professor, you know, whatever.[00:03:38.115] That's not what I'm looking for. I'm sorry if not for one night of the week. Yes.[00:03:46.845] You just want them to look pretty for tonight. Is that it? Oh, yes.[00:03:50.865] Oh, yes. Oh, yes. And I'd love to be entertained. I mean, it doesn't mean anything, you know, it's just that that is what I would like for that excitement then.[00:04:04.035] Oh, no, I'll have the proper...

The Four Agreements is a book written by Don Miguel Ruiz. In this episode we talked about the lessons we can take from it and how relevant it has been in our lives.Transcript[00:00:00.835] Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the past, helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. So tonight's meetup is on is a review of the four agreements, so the four agreements in Tomago terms, terminology is a way that we agree with the world is the way that we create our reality. So. It comes across as quite literal, but for me, the way I would talk about these is the stories that we make up of reality.[00:00:49.495] So he talks about if someone if a parent tells a child that they're bad and that they agree and you agree with it, that becomes your reality. If someone tells you that your rubbish is coming and you agree with that, that becomes your reality. So the four agreements are and where he talks about these are being agreements that you break, agreements you make with yourself to free yourself from those conditions. So the full agreements are to be impeccable with your word now are impeccable.[00:01:28.545] The word comes from Latin means to be without sin. So it's really about using your word, without judgment, without blame, not to harm and not to hurt yourself or others. The second agreement is not to take things personally, that none of it's about you and where we take anything on. That's because we've taken it personally. The. Third agreement is to make assumptions that we tend to justify how we feel with logic, and so we justify the emotion that we feel by the reality that we create that justifies how we feel.[00:02:21.515] And a fourth agreement is to do your best. So before so you've been in the breakout rooms and we've been you were talking about who would you be if you'd been born into a different family, into a different culture of a different gender, a different religion, different social class? So basically, all the things that are externally tell you who you are, your role, your position, the way people treat you, if all of those were different.[00:02:58.085] Who would you be? So I'm interested in what struck anyone as they were discussing their. You might have to amuse yourself, but just tell me what I struggled to tell myself because I thought it was more about of wanting to understand other characters than actually having some sort of an internal thing that I want to be different. I guess maybe I'm just being pompous, but I'm a bit more comfortable with where I am with things. I know if that's just me.[00:03:44.575] What do you mean as you're more comfortable with where you are things?[00:03:49.525] Well, I mean, I don't look at it, so I wish I was I wish I was over another it or nature or organization of country or origin or anything like that. I don't have that kind of that kind of effect.[00:04:08.825] Now, the real issue with this is not where would you have like to be born, but how much of who you think you are comes from what everyone's told you, from all the external influences and how much is come out internally? Oh, because if something that would be similar, if you were born entirely someone else and like a different gender and everything else, then there's a spark that's you. Because all the other things, because of your gender, because of your couch, because of your being in all the things that you've learned from your family and so on, are all things that come outside and tell you who you are.[00:05:00.565] So it's about who would you be, what would still be there of...

This episode is the last of our three keys to successful relationships.In part one of this three part series, we talked about connection being how we created our experience and that relationships were the vehicle through which we create connection.We talked about there being a constant flow from feeling connected to disconnected and how conversation is the mechanism through which we create connection.In this episode we talked about what caused disconnection. TranscriptWelcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the past, helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. Tonight is the third part of the free keys to successful relationships, so the first key to successful relationships we talked about the whole point of. Like how we make sense of our experiences through connections and relationships are a vehicle for feeling comfortable creating that connection. Then we talked about there being a flow from connection to disconnection and conversation being the mechanism through which we create connection.So tonight we're talking about what breaks connection, what creates disconnection. So what struck you in your discussions in the breakout room? Anyone have any thoughts? I think we were discussing lack of interest, the other person, at least that's one area that we don't. But if the other person I lovely engaging with the partner that can potentially cause this connection because the trust is not being listened to or being OK. So for me, that would probably come on the respect.Would that be an accurate reading for you? It may be I mean, it's not so much. Well, it depends on the time respect, I guess, but it's not so much if the other person isn't showing interest in what you have to say or what you are doing or what's happening in your life or what kind of they are with you as such. But they expect that they're not putting anything into the relationship. And that's something in a more emotional way or in a psychological way than a contributing into.So as an engagement like being engaged, being involved. Yeah. Yeah, ok. OK, so what determines whether someone's engaged or if they disengage, they call it more like a fixed mentality when the person doesn't want to marry your fiance. It's like staying in the comfort zone doesn't want to expand it, it's just all the time. That's my knowledge. I'm already at the door and I don't want to any more. So many people happening. When they finished high school, they stopped learning.And when it's not good, growing mindset's, let's put it this way.OK, so how does that how how does that break connection? Basically over the time you will lose interest because that is nothing new. What you can learn with that, that's nothing new. What you can do with that person, no activity all the time. The same things you will talk about, because eventually we'll run out from the things to see just all the time. You will still complain the person actually ending up in the complain loop. So the person only see the bad habits doesn't searching for the great opportunity for the future.So the goal mind set this all the time to looking how you can break through the barrier barrier as long as the fix mentality is just black and white. Yes, no good, bad. Just labeling all the time and whenever you leave, but you actually don't have a time to go to the sense you don't need to label emotion. You don't need to label anything in the life, just experience it, just have it just to be there. OK, so this is really talking about in general, when we talked about Mostri, about the Toblerone and that that would be like the hacker, just happier a level.And so what you're saying is we've got the growth growth mindset. There's going to come a point at that plateau where someone is...

There are three keys to successful relationships. Last week we discussed week 1, which was connection. This week we discuss the mechanism for connection.TranscriptWelcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the past, helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. OK, so tonight, what we here to discuss is the three keys to successful relationships. And tonight we're going to discuss part two. So the first key is connection. So we talked about relationships being the mechanism by which we get connection with other people and connection being the way that we make sense of the world last week.So. We we were talking about what that all relationships flow between various types of connection to this connection, and it may be that you like you right out of connection. You're right. Disconnected, which means that the relationship is not very enjoyable. And so the relationship probably breaks and but often there's a flow between the two. And so what we're looking at tonight is what is the mechanism that we can feel more connected? So just some housekeeping for me, if anyone whose in need we this call is recorded in the main room, the breakout rooms are recorded.We don't use the video. So I think everyone's got their video on, especially in the breakout rooms. If you can use your video, if it's convenient, it just helps people see where you are and so that we can feel more connection. The philosophy to the groups we talked about, the Fink free rebellion, meaning that life is really about who philosophically we believe that life is really about us becoming ourselves without being swayed by dogma, other people's ideas, by emotions, or I've been swayed by short term emotions or by ignorance.And so what we really hear about is to work out our own ideas of what's right for us. OK, so in the breakout rooms, you were discussing what had preceded or what had caused you to feel connection? Does anyone want to share the experiences already, insights they had?OK, so so I'm sharing with Kareem and I don't know if I heard the story, but so where if he is going left in this house, which had three three flats. And so I was out putting my bins one sort of late summer evening and somebody came onto the property. No, I wasn't sure whether it could be somebody going to a factory or something like that. So I didn't really pay attention. And she asked me about the basement flat because there was a sign, a tilak sign.And and I said, oh, I don't know. So I just continued. And then she kept on persisting and I was just ignoring her. I just thought, you know, just answer the question and continued what I was doing. So I just had one of these things to put outside. So I had to go out again and walk round round a bit and put the bed. And she was still there. And on the third attempt, she said something.And instantly I found my wall just dropped that barrier I had. And I just looked at her and I suddenly was connected and with such a surreal thing, she just asked me whether she just asked me whether I practiced Reiki, which is something that I do. And I don't know what made her say that. But then she just offered me a card. And if you really get to connect and if you're interested in Reiki and then we had a discussion about Reiki, but it was only if only when she said something that I guess I was.Already connected to that that ball drops, but she was obviously still interested in that basement, that things like that, I mean, that didn't change, but she just came out with that. So, yeah, that's interesting. Yeah. So we talked about, like, there have been different layers of the onion. Last week we did. Yeah. And so, like, the flat downstairs is like the most superficial layer where she'd gone to something a little bit...

When you analyse a problem, you'll find that most of the problem is in a lack of clarity and not defining the issue.I believe one of the most misunderstood aspects of relationships are that we see relationships as the goal.Relationships are a mechanism, but not the goal.The goal is connection. In this episode we went on a quest to understand connection and disconnection at a deeper level.Transcript[00:00] Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships. The podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. I believe that there's free keys to relationships. So that's what we're going to do in the next free meet ups. So tonight we're going to talk about key number one and I believe key number one is connection. So tonight, we're going to be on a quest and we've got Betty and Janell's leading our quest to look at the connection and disconnection. [00:49] So we started off in a breakout rooms by discussing when we felt from experience connected or disconnected in relationships. So what did you find? What ideas did you have or any comments, feedback from the discussion? I like the idea of connection or disconnection. Well, he felt that the central feeling at the heart of. Feeling connected is to be supported. So first of all, we look for examples where we felt connected and we kind of reversed, engineered and looked for examples where we didn't feel connected. [01:37] So an example was where somebody was trying to communicate with someone and the person wasn't listening because they were on the phone and they had a blank expression on their face. So we said the opposite of that. Then obviously to be listened to and to feel heard and to feel respected and the feelings around that word, to feel acknowledged and for someone to show a genuine interest and to ask questions, you also felt. Another example is when someone shows genuine concern and asks questions and it's like what's bothering you? [02:11] And they listen. So the feelings we have were like feeling lighter, feeling validated, respected, respected of your needs and empathy and uplifted and embraced. And really we felt that when people felt heard, they felt relaxed and at the central feeling. So that was to feel supported. And that that was what was one of the most important things to feel connected to someone like. [02:41] That's great, thank you. Any other comments from that from that group? And what else? OK, journalist. We may need more find it, this connection, it's coming from the communication, the behavior and expectations. So that came out that like object, the object is change or our common goal is change over the time. He showed us three changes in overtime, so like trying to get over. [03:25] It's like it was a situation where somebody wanted to take the other one wanted for kids over the time. So they wanted weekend house or they wanted more like a flat. It can be between each other. It's changed to goals like. That could be the case as...

Relationships often descend into pointless bickering.The hill you'll die on is a way to clarify what's worth fighting for and what is a pointless argument.Transcript[00:00]Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. Tonight, we're talking about the Hill you'll die on, and that probably sounds a little bit. It's not very descriptive. Thing, but really what it's about is. What? What are you really willing to fight about and what is a meaningless fight for you? So the saw her look at where did it where did it come from the Hill that you will die on? [00:49]And it seems to be seems to have come from 1969, in 1969 in the Vietnam War, it was a battle for a hill and. The Americans lost, they say, six hundred and thirty Marines or. What more infantry and Viet Nam say fifteen hundred. And essentially, they were fighting for a hill that had no strategic value. That had no real benefit, and they gave up on it when it got when it became hard to. To win, so it was Edward Kennedy who is a senator then who named the Hamburger Hill because basically the infantry men who were killed were basically treated like mincemeat. [01:44]And so the hill that dying is represents. Like, if you have to if you have to, like in the military, having a hill is an advantage because it's hard to fight. And so to win, to win a hill means that it has to be something worth conquering. Now in relationships. All the fights that you're going to have were fighting for. Or are they just something you've got in the pattern of squabbling about, are they mean meaningless battles? [02:28]And then. In life, there's really. Fights that. The gain is not worth fighting. But there has to be something. That powers your life, something that's important to you. Because if you don't have the hill that you're willing to die on. Then. You don't really have something that gives you is going to give you a source of passion and enthusiasm. So the idea of the Hill that you go down is about having some sense of purpose and it's also having some sense of identity about what your life's about. [03:19]So these are the things that become our North Star. So. First, though, I'm curious because you were talking about what you are passionate about when you were young. So does anyone want to share what they want you to be because I didn't hear anyone else's. OK, and I got my sherry, so we were talking about so I really do need to also with job rules actually, but when I was really young, I liked I had the dream of traveling quite a lot. [03:51]So I wanted to see the world. And I was like because I felt like such a big world and I want to see it and get to know it. And I always felt the best way to meet other cultures and understand them. And then it kind of evolved. And I really started with journalism, but I always been passionate about animals, which is something I haven't mentioned. And I did quite a few rescues when I was back home. So that lasted until I moved to the UK

In this episode we talked about creating an Artisanal Relationship. That is a relationship that is perfectly designed for you and your partner.Transcript[00:01]Welcome to The Thing Free Rebellion. The podcast for independent thinkers to rebel against ignorance, manipulation, dogma, doctrine and the fears and temptations that stop us being ourselves and living our best lives. Good to make relationships, simple dotcom to join us at an event or find more information. Tonight, we're talking about autism relationships and priorities, know what I mean is that most people do things by default, so most people basically go along with a condition that go along with what everyone else tells them, like from the media and so on.[00:48]So. We've become in commodities world where everything can be manufactured and comes off cheaply and most efficiently and most effectively, there's become a great market for artisanal products, for things that are down the traditional way hand with great skill, with great care. And of better quality, so. I look at a lot of people, the relationships in by kind of like the rights of our culture, and it's it's that they it's like a diamond engagement ring. It's with a big, expensive wedding.[01:33]It's with the big house or the big car and luxury holidays as as if they're the things that are going to make you happy. And by contrast, I think an artisanal relationship is where you get to skilled, like relationally skilled individuals who build the relationship. That's right for them that they can both thrive in. And so it's it's custom built and it's built with skill. It's distinctive and it's disregards the traditions or the customs that doesn't serve. So you were talking in breakout rooms about five qualities and I went into his room, really just see how or where you were four times and I went to bring you back and it looked like you were agreeing five between each of the group.[02:34]Is that. Is that OK? Right, Stewie, can we have a spokesperson for each? Yeah, I don't mind being a spokesperson for my group. Sarah. If I say, OK, great, OK, I think you've got the the go ahead. So what about Sandra? Who was it? It was, yes, Fernando and Sandra. Really small group. Sandra, would you like to be there? I think she's looking for the mute button.[03:22]Yeah, that's all right.[03:27]And we have a problem, Alan, the eating group. That's right. The the most social group. OK, are you happy with that, Alan?[03:44]Yeah, I will go. All right.[03:46]So let's have Sandra arole and Sarah. OK, so we'll have a discussion of the five qualities. So if you each argue your case. And let's see how different they are and what we come up with. So should we go with case? Should we go? Ladies first. We start with Sarah, Sandra and in our bringing up the rear. OK, we thought...

The only certain path to success is the path of mastery.We can't master everything, but there are certain things that we can never be happy without achieving. In this episode, we looked at what those were and what was the path to mastery...Transcript[00:01]Welcome to The Thing Free Rebellion, the podcast for independent thinkers to rebel against ignorance, manipulation, dogma, doctrine and the fears and temptations that stop us being ourselves and living our best lives. Good to make relationships, simple dotcom to join us at an event or find more information. To lose or gain in 21. Three and a marriage weighs a few pounds.[00:40]Yeah, we feel the punishment is a sudden gain a gain of marriage and lose a few pounds.[00:49]I thought you said gay marriage. It's all coming out, though. It's it's as if dating strategy. A whole new market. Yeah. Now there is too.[01:08]I thought I thought the weights, but it would be gain muscle and lose fat. But that's OK, isn't it.[01:15]Yeah. Lose weight, get fit. Find that lovely gentleman. That's it. No marriage in the Marriage Act of marriage you know.[01:32]How long were you married for some time, if you don't mind me asking.[01:35]Thirty four years. That's a lifetime.[01:37]Was OK. Much longer than one but over a decade.[01:45]Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.[01:50]I was. I was married in 14 years. You're looking for differences, Rob, but I am a bit too superficial. No, no, no. It was it was only the warm up. So we're going to go deeper.[02:10]So you found the perfect relationship now. I'm sorry I said so. You found the perfect relationship now. How do you mean I'm teasing you. OK, yeah, I know you said it was the warm up something you found the perfect one.[02:30]Oh, I see. Like the marriage is OK.[02:35]Um, right. So the next bit is. Right, in order for you that we're talking about Mostri, so you can only master so many things. So what are the three to seven things that would be essential for you to live a happy, meaningful and worthwhile life within one category?<a...

The Think Free Rebellion is a personal choice. It is the choice to make yourself the authority and author of your life.Transcript[00:00]Today is going to be a little bit different because it's not going to be so much of a discussion as I want to share some ideas with you, and it's about changing the nature of the group and the base of the group. And then so I'm going to run through some ideas. If you have any questions about anything as I'm going along, just interrupt me. I'm going to run through this and then we'll see. You can see whether you agree or disagree.[00:33]OK, so. The idea so the basic idea is. That if we have a group that's formed around relationships. And people talk about sharing different perspectives. There's always a basis for conflict. And so whenever you're dealing with conflict, you have to look at where's the point of agreement? And so I've been giving it a lot of thought to thinking of. What's really behind, like, personally, most my philosophical view and where this conflict come in in terms of it.[01:14]So I want to start with a personal basis and as to how why, I think thinking free is the key to everything. And then we're working back. OK, so. When we talk about relationships. Or anything, we're talking about different things because we got different experiences and different perspectives, and so oftentimes that means there's a clash when people think they're talking about the same things. But actually they're coming from a completely different angle. You know, the thing about if six blind people come and see an elephant, they all have a different experience and they call each other lawyers because they don't understand from that frame of reference.[02:07]So, OK, so. The question of what's between you and your perfect life or your perfect relationship, now I want to share my my model of what about that? What causes us to what's between us and them perfect basis and explain, OK, hear me and explain why from my perspective. So. What are we looking at here is. I think. That based on my life, I spent four or five years studying happiness. Before relationships and really what meant what happiness, what makes someone happy is basically we have a blueprint, we have a blueprint that we can't change.[03:05]It's genetically what we believe to be. And so becoming happy is a is a journey of growth, is a journey of growth into becoming more of who we are and expressing that potential that we have. So this is kind of representing that journey. Now, what happens for a lot of people, for most people probably is somewhere they get swayed off course and so in terms of relationship can become stale or they can become bored, they can become bitter or even things go really wrong.[03:45]And they end up with an in somewhere that is quite toxic. So. What is so I'm looking at what why do people get swayed off? And the airline industry, they have a one in 60 rule. So basically, a flight path is similar to this that an airplane will set off and it's aiming for wherever it's going to land. But all the time it's getting buffeted by wind, by...

In this episode as we draw 2020 to a close we looked at what we need to do to build a great relationship even if we don't already have a Partner.Transcript[00:01]So we accept that if you a relationship is a result of your behavior and your behavior as a result of the practices and the habits that you you use, that you have. And so then we look at attitudes.[00:18]So your attitude to dating relationships is going to affect how enthusiastic you are, how much activity that you do and how and the quality that you bring to that. So having a more positive attitude about dating relationships means that you activate more of the best in other people.[00:39]It means that you meet the people who are more attractive and more not attractive in a physical sense, but more attractive as they have the qualities that create a more attractive relationship. So. We talked about personal narrative in the way that you rise, you improve your attitude. We talked about all relationships, create problems. So you may have problems initially in the start of dating. And when you start school, then you can have a problem somewhere late. There isn't going to be a problem solving problems.[01:18]It's which taught in the breakout group about the difference between a fixed and a growth mindset and where knowing that problems are something that you can resolve if you change what you do and life works out. And the model that we have is going to determine the problems that we face and adjusting the model that we have can prevent or resolve the problems along the way.[01:51]We then looked at skills. What abilities do we need to develop improve in order to have better dating, dating experience and relationship experience about what? Atwar relationship?[02:11]Next year, what difference can you do to improve the your knowledge, skills and confidence in terms of dating relationships? And so what action can you take to have better relationships? So we covered quite a lot of things, and if you follow through these, if you listen to the recording now, if you follow through and ask those questions of yourself, then you.[02:41]I can come up with an action plan for 2021 in 2021, I'm launching the relational mastery system and a relational mastery system is the habits, the practices, the process. Two dating. How do you have the confidence, how do you have the minorities that results in better relationships? How do you have the dating skill and the how do you choose your partner? And then how when you've met someone, how do you develop the relationship? How do you build the relationship that has less friction?[03:25]Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. OK, so today we're today...

Helen Fisher has the broadest study of relationships. She is an Anthropologist and Biologist who has studied over 80 different cultures looking for the universals of relationships. This is a discussion of her work.Here's what we discussed...Transcript[00:00]Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. So tonight, we were talking about the work of Helen Fisher and Helen Fisher talks about relationships as being life's greatest prize. And so we talked about. The various formats of relationships, whether they were monogamous, whether they were, is it natural for us to be monogamous? Is promiscuity natural?[00:44]What's the like? What what format of relationship works? How do our narratives affect the way that we relate? And. How does the history of patriarchy and social control, how does that affect our relationship and essentially what we were trying to work out with which is which comes first, like the nature or nurture. And of course, both nature work within a context of nurture. OK, all right. So let's start tonight. So the topic tonight is life's greatest prize.[01:36]And so this is really what Helen Fisher talks about. She says that. Life's greatest prize is finding a mate, and it's the way that we have children, it's the way that we have companionship. And so we'll talk through all aspects now. Handfish work is probably the broadest of all the like. There's loads of books on relationships, but. They although, you know, like you got five love languages, which is probably one of the best selling, which is basically communication, you've got the government, which is about their shared house model.[02:22]You've got lots of other people that talk about relationships. We talked about stand talking before, but that's attachment theory. So they all talk about a small section of it. Whereas what Helen Fisher has done is she's an anthropologist and biologist. And so she's looked from like she goes back to 21 million years ago as to climate changes, as to, you know, that caused changes in. Primates that led to all the way that we interact today, so I mean, Herberg so why him?[03:01]Why her, why we stret, why we love. So what I want to do to start with is because they are so, so broad. I was looking at, you know, what are the questions we can put in the breakout rooms and this so much. So what I would like you to do is put in the chat box any particular questions that you would like to cover. So really what? So to give you some idea, just as a hands up, he's read the blog post that summarizes it.[03:39]OK, and so if you can write any questions that you have from that or anything you'd like to talk about tonight, we'll go from there. So if you knew down the bottom there's a chat box and you can write in there. Anything that you're interested in talking about? OK, so just and then we'll start tonight. So I'm just going to give you some housekeeping, so. What we're here for really is a safe place to explore, a safe place...

Like computers have operating systems so do we. In this episode I tried to explain how our O/S affects our relationship.This discussion is based on the following blog post;https://makerelationshipssimple.com/evolution-relationship-operating-system/Transcript[00:00]Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. So basically, we were talking tonight about the evolution of the operating system and the operating system is the cultural narrative for how relationships. Function for the narrative around what a relationship means, how it's formed, how why expectations we should have and how we can fix it if if if it goes wrong. So we looked at the level so level one is basically the caveman level of tightwire I want.[00:48]Level two is the more civilized a sense of like we have to be here in within civilization, we have to take care of other people. And so it's the deal making level where we make deals of maybe it's not a so we might see this level now in terms of a golddigger relationship or a sugar daddy sugar relationship where someone marry someone for. Some other reason than than love or attraction level three was from about a 12th century, I think up until now the prevailing cultural narrative has been that we marry for love, that we marry because we meet the person that sets us alive and we fall in love and they are the one and love.[01:47]So I think we move to level four when we recognize that the fairytale myth doesn't work to level four is about a level of confusion. It's recognizing the narrative that still culturally we have. Doesn't work, and it's more of a pragmatic response of that doesn't work. So what will and I think the movement to study relationships, I think people like Harville Hendrix, people who've advocated more progressive relationships, has an open or polyamory and that kind of relationship. Our reactions to the recognition level three doesn't work.[02:37]So the minor upgrade to to that is recognizing that its skills and knowledge that can help us to develop our relationships, and it's the recognition that we can no more, that we can impact our relationships and level the next evolution is the sense of we recognize that our life is essentially a story and it's every story that's given to us or it's a story that we create and it's recognizing that we don't have to take the narrative that we're given culturally, but that we can transcend that and create our own narrative.[03:31]And so it's it's taking. Our life and our situation and making a story and recognize that we're consciously using that as a construct until. We find data that contradicts it. And so it's recognizing that we create narrative in terms of. What things mean to us, and it's just being consciously in control of that. The idea is that it's a buffet of ideas, so we all can bring and share our own perspectives and our own ideas and you take what you want.[04:08]So there's no one, right? There's no one. We're not here to...

Commitment sounds like effort. It sounds boring and dull.Yet total commitment is easier than partial commitment.We're always committed. But what we commit to determines the level of quality of our relationships. Here's what I suggest we should commit to...Transcript[00:00]Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. So tonight, we were talking about the five commitments and the five commitments that we have to be committed to in order to have the relationship of the quality that we warm. And the idea is that we have those commitments so that we're not forever judging each situation individually, so that we know what we're committed to and what conditions we're committed to them under.[00:48]And so the commitment, the five commitments are to build a relationship of equals based on trust, respect and kindness, to learn what it takes to make a relationship work. To take complete responsibility for your relationships. To commit to choosing a partner based on the qualities and their ability for a long term successful relationship and a commitment to to being the quality of partner that you expect. And so the the idea is that if you have the commitment to those, those become your boundaries, those become your the standards that you aspire to, and so that you're able to nip problems in the bud.[01:38]OK, so welcome, everyone. So the topic tonight we've got is the five commitments and basically. The the idea is that. One hundred percent commitment is easier than 99 percent. Okay, so before we actually start with the main topic, I'm just going to run through expectations. And if anyone is new to the meeting and insight of what's going to we're going to do ahead. So the whole point of this group is to having a safe place to honestly discuss relationships.[02:15]So everyone's opinion is valid. No one's opinion dominates. It's not about being right. It's just about having a place, a safe place, that we can discuss relationships in a way that maybe we wouldn't with people that we see in our everyday life. There's no stupid questions. Everyone's anything that you could be struggling with, other people who can act out as well. It's always good to clarify and redefine. So how it works is in the main room, we have a discussion this the audio is recorded and so then you can catch up on any time that you've missed out on the breakout rooms are private, so that doesn't get recorded.[03:01]And I want his other than the people that you're discussing with. If you can if you can have it, Kameron, because this is a person-to-person interaction, it just makes people feel better, especially in the break room. Some people feel some people feel uncomfortable and it's going to change how people perceive you if you don't have your camera on, because people are going to think, who am I talking to? So, of course, there are reasons sometimes because of bandwidth, because of where you are and what you do.<a...

If, as we have said previously, relationships are a quest, then what is the landscape we have to journey through?Transcript[00:05]Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. To summarize today's talk in five minutes, so we were talking about the relationship landscape and we talked about instead of looking at. Relationships as being more evident than in the moment, being the zoom out and see them from a bigger time scale, from being able to see your whole life, being able to see how the specific situation that you're in at the moment is just a speck in the big scheme of things.[00:56]You have a sense of perspective, being able to visualize the landscape as if you were creating a film, as if you were creating a drawing so that you are able to visualize the emotional states so that you have more ability to look at and. Journey to where you want to go to whatever visualization that you can use is the way that your brain is, is structuring the way it thinks, and so that visualization can tell you how you're looking at the situations of your relationship status.[01:43]So we looked at someone had a series of mountains that they had to climb. Someone else was on the edge of a forest and I didn't know what was in the forest. And someone else was confused and not knowing where they're going. And so we looked at what our fears are then. And in the current our current relationships situation, what priority we have to overcome. What was this at and. What what do we do next? So I think that was kind of it, but if I missed anything major out, jump in.[02:26]So thank you for being here tonight. If if anyone's got a few minutes to talk about the meetings in general and feedback. Stay on. Otherwise, good night and thank you for being here. So tonight's topic is the relationship landscape. So. We'll get into that in a minute, but just a few things I wanted to take over. Thank you to the people, asked people for opinions and simply said that was quite interesting. Quite a lot to go for.[03:06]So possibly at the end of the session or perhaps another time. Well, we'll go through some of those. For anyone new, if you can if you can put your camera on just so we can see you, if you're not comfortable, that that's fine. The so what we do is we're going to have a discussion, we're going to run free like some Startrek sizes and some breakout rooms, so, I mean, the breakout rooms we have is more private discussion.[03:46]In the main room, the conversation is recorded. We don't use the video, but we use the audio. So any meeting we've had, you can go back and listen to. What was? OK. So. I think my strengths. So the idea of relationship landscape, does that bring up anything for anyone? Is it confusing or does it before I was quite looking forward to learning what it's all about.<a...

In this episode we discussed Stan Tatkin's book Wired For Dating and how that could help us in dating.Transcript:[00:00]So the topic tonight is we're going to talk about STEM Takins award for dating. And so I can really talks about neuro biology and. Attachment theory, and so really, it's about. His work is really about, he says to when you're in a relationship, is 10 nervous systems interacting with each other, which is the reason why people can end up arguing over silly things, which is really what they're arguing about. So in the breakout rooms we were discussing.[00:46]What happened in your relationships or relationships that you think? And just before we we open up the discussion or just a couple of people say, just so everyone knows what's going on. So what we do here is we have a chat here in the main room. And the the chat here is recorded when you go into the room is private and then the recording you can catch. So if you've missed any time, you can listen in. What I'm looking for is an example of maybe and oftentimes we can't really explain why we get into these arguments.[01:33]But just looking for some real life examples so that we can we can use them to illustrate the principles and bring some clarity to them. Does anyone have anything that they were talking about in the. In the breakout rooms that. They could share. So if you want to I me to come you. Yes, I was talking with Sasha, so she left.[02:05]So she told the people I mean, in arguments in relationship, when the argument happens, the couple argues like a child is.[02:19]So the reason is because of lack of communication and I mean too much expectation.[02:28]So that's her answer. But my answer was that, I mean, since they love each other and they know each other so much, so they're connected to each other and they also called themselves like baby or things like that. So they're going to love each other. They act like a baby. Similarly, when they come correct, like when they are caught, they also act like baby.[02:52]And if they would have argued without relationship, I mean, they're not familiar with each other or maybe they are colleagues, they might not have like argued like childish childishly. And the other reason is that when they argue they know so much detail about themselves, like they used small details, like somebody says that your I mean, snoring is not good enough. I mean, your dress up is not good. And so this kind of small little things are used in arguments to hurt each other.[03:26]So this kind of small little things, when I brought in these kind of arguments, these are also components of babies like childish like arguments. So this is my I mean, thought about why they I mean, when they argue they act...

Joseph Campbell popularised The Hero's Journey. Here we applied it to the journey of finding lasting love.TranscriptRight. So I think we're all back shall we put if you want to put in the chat and anyone who wants to share Which films?&nbsp;You can say but not everyone's going to talk. So my ones I really recommend when I just watched earlier, it's called The Lighthouse. It's a new movie psychological Thriller the lighthouse I highly recommend us I recommend to call it the wild.&nbsp;And maybe Battle Royale. This is a Japanese movie. Okay wasn't very James Bond one of them title senior Royale a I'll it's a Japanese movie. It's like the Hunger Games. It's like the original version at Hunger Games.&nbsp;They reckon The Hunger Games copied my oh no. No, sir. So, what was it about those films that you well I'll just talk mainly about the one I just saw today which was called and the lighthouse it was a very like unique for them. There's only two characters in it and it's a psychological trailer and like it's just very very entertaining like&nbsp;Always you never get bored of it like and it's like and it's just shows like the man the camera work is really good. It's Black and Whites to look like an old movie and the story line is just very very good. It's like I recommend looking looking it up anyway and see if you might not be everyone's cup of tea, but it's the type of movie that I like and I said what film that came out a few years.&nbsp;Segoe, okay. What was that? It's like a psychological Thriller is well with the real question being a philosophical question, which is what is it mean to be human?&nbsp;&nbsp;Okay.&nbsp;So is this like machines versus Humans type thing?&nbsp;Sort of but not really but they make a an AI artificial intelligence and they're trying to make it as human as possible. And I so I was saying that the deeper question is not what does it take to make an AI human? But what is it that makes us quintessentially human. So in order to make a AI that successfully passes the Turing test and is taken for human. You have to be able to find out what obviously constitutes fundamentally human said the real.&nbsp;Not about the ARB. It's about our humanity. And what is it that makes us human interesting is essential think when you look at&nbsp;some of the technology that's coming around it's where we're going to sort of merge with review moments where like intelligence is never going to be a competitive advantage in the future because machines are going to be there and implanted in us. So yeah, that's that's an interesting question for&nbsp;I will have to face it started already. Don't be scared. Yeah, think of your Cochlear implants in your bug your your joints and your Pacemaker and your insulin pump and all of that started. It's just that those things you think of them as&nbsp;You don't think of them as things that can be hooked up to become a network of its own as you go along. So the more things are replaced and the more that they are program of programmable. Then you get you're getting closer and closer to that cyborg State. Yeah.&nbsp;Okay, so we got seven as well wasn't was seven like a horror or thriller.&nbsp;Weller psychological Thriller, but serial killer I don't want to give too much away in case somebody wants to actually watch it. But yeah, it was good. We could you find whenever some love.&nbsp;Yeah Netflix list here at night when the lights are off. Yeah, okay. Alright, so we're I don't really know the main characters in this but so we'll get we've tonight we're going to talk about the hero's journey and&nbsp;how that relates to relationships&nbsp;and the reason why I asked about films is because the hero's journey is is a concept that Joseph Campbell popularized and he actually got them the monomyth first came from James Joyce, but Joseph Campbell was this genius who sort of lived life on his own the damn bastard live life on these in his own.&nbsp;Design sort

In this Meetup we discussed the Enchantment Dating Strategy. As usual we veered through a wide range of topics and brought a range of views and perspectives to the debate.Transcript[00:00]So our topic tonight is the Enchantment Dating Strategy.[00:04]What was the discussion like in the breakout rooms?[00:06]We came up with some things, we came up with stuff, but I think it was a little bit of a struggle. OK, so what was the general consensus about approaches on dating?[00:19]I think they were quite good at pointing out things that didn't work, but I'm not sure we could actually come up with anything great.[00:26]OK, OK then. So that might be a good approach.[00:32]So what didn't work like? Definitely big challenge that they put people on the spot. So in real life I think it was very well.[00:44]I could imagine that being some some awkward situations.[00:49]I was coming to the workplace in a toxic male environment from a woman says he was the last piece Sandra was coming from a woman in a toxic male environment like a me.[01:08]That's speech. So embarrassing. Publicly embarrassing. Yes, yes, yes.[01:18]Point of the question that how you come across it makes a difference to whether you would be a pain in your heart to someone.[01:26]Sorry. Can you say it again, Betty? Yeah.[01:28]What's the point of the question? Was that how you come across to someone, but also whether you're appealing or not?[01:38]Not necessarily the point. The question was what approach is attractive?[01:42]Because it may be that someone comes with the perfect approach and yet you still aren't attracted to them and you're not going to get into a relationship with someone you're not interested in. But it's too to learn from good examples and from that. Nothing for me, sorry, the Sheila for me. The environment was...

Daniel Sloss's Jigsaw standup routine has led to 95,000+ breakups. Here's a clip of him talking about it on Conan O Brien;https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRpOtOs45boWe discussed the topics raised.Transcription[00:00]What were your thoughts on watching? The jigsaw. Well, it was quite harrowing. Well, I think we need we need more of the percentages of the healthy marriages that do work out rather than focusing on all the ones that don't.[00:22]I think his point was exactly that the ones that are breaking is because they are together for the wrong reasons and it won't last at all.[00:30]But at the same time, I think it goes to an extreme that I don't believe there will be an absolute perfect person for you. You're not going to love like the one hundred percent of that first. And there's always going to be something that is not there. But you just kind of work with that because what you love is more than what you don't love and you make it work. So that's where I disagree with him, because he makes it like you can't it's like it's not there's no malleability in these jigsaw.[01:02]It's like the piece either fits or then throw it away. It's just to me, it's a bit too much. But that was my thought about it. I found it funny when he was saying you spent all your life being so busy working on your own jigsaw and they spend all your life being so busy working on theirs, and then we try and merge the two together.[01:26]It's just like, yeah, I think that's us.[01:32]And he does mention common goals. I think that simple.[01:34]And you need to have some sort of common vision to be able compatibility agenda goals.[01:42]But yeah, I agree with a lot of what he was saying, but some of it was just a bit too cynical and a bit too doom and gloom and whatever. Yeah.[01:52]I mean, I think, first of all, you have to put it in the context.[01:56]There is a stand up and he's also done a TED talk. And I think what he's brought up is a serious issue. But he has done a TED talk where he talks about like himself and Ricky Gervais and Frankie Boyle and basically saying that when you're doing standup to entertain you playing a character, his role is to take things to extreme. You shouldn't take it seriously.[02:30]But I think what he what he picked up on what he's pointing out is the governments have done some research and they say that on average, it takes...

There are The Rules, Pick Up Strategies and all self-proclaimed experts claiming they have the secret to dating success.But is success getting in a relationship that's wrong for you?We discuss the topic and as always range all over the areas of dating, relationships sharing perspectives and experiences.Transcript[00:00]So I'm thinking if we break into breakout rooms based on the cooking, I can't get through. Now, last week, last week's version was treat them mean to keep them keen.[00:15]So wondering we're in agreement. I don't think they necessarily agreed with. With the principle, but believe it happens and the other room was so opposed to that. So.[00:33]I was hoping by by being in two sort of camps, we might develop the argument more and have a bit more of a debate to tease out all the issues. So does anyone want to start and open up the debate? Gulfstar. And we sort of discussed that it does work, it does happen, it does work for people and we don't necessarily think it's that or at least I can talk for myself. I don't see it as being it's not the only way that works.[01:17]And we don't think it's anything that's going to result in a quality, authentic, long lasting relationship. Think, did you want to say more sessions now, so we're finished and I'm just going to I'm just komu everyone. And then if you want to talk, just talk. Just we cut out the background noise, so just admit yourself to talk. So, Ben, are you.[01:43]Yeah. I think what came up for us. Well I speak for myself from what I picked up on the theme of availability and perhaps sort of not showing that you're too available in the early stages of. Courtship, for want of a better phrase, might create a sense of failure or attraction. That's my theory. I mean, it's not it's you know, it's kind of sort of bordering on veer into dishonesty, manipulation at its most extreme. But I think everyone does does do it to a degree, really, whether it's treating someone mean or not, you know, discuss which we're doing.[02:36]But that's that's what those are my thoughts anyway. That's what I got from our discussion group. And if anyone else wants to chime in and add to that or disagree.[02:48]Yeah, I was saying that if you come across as too keen, it can actually pay off a woman. But that doesn't mean you have to. But if you come across, I don't know if your tooth is yardstick, she can think, I don't know, you're too easily available or I don't know what the logic is. But so I think there's some truth in what you just said, assuming that's what you meant. Yes, but at the same time, I find it hard because as a man, I think there's still a lot of women's minds, the sort of expectation of the man.[03:21]It's my job to kind of...

Some people such as 'The Rules' advise on following tactics designed to make you appear less attached and less interested.Is this a valid strategy or does the inauthenticity affect relationships?We discussed this topic and a wide range of other topics such as Poyamory and Monogamy.Transcript[00:00]Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. This question has had me having nightmares like that, it just it just reminded me of a certain scenario that I was thinking, this is why I don't believe it's true, why I believe it is false because of this scenario. And then I've been having nightmares about this scenario last night. Oh, gosh.[00:38]You want to tell us what the scenario is or is that it wasn't a slip in something major just a day in a situation where it was over a long period of time, it's probably over like two years.[00:50]I kept seeing the same guy on this this thing on the website and we never really talk to each other. And then we got talking somehow. I was like a bit not sure about him, but we got talking. It was really weird and taking ages to text back and all the rest of it. Days like three days, four days, sometimes the message box. So I just fizzle out and then didn't see him speak to him again for like another year or something and completely forgot about the other time and then would kind of arrange to meet or and then he'd just go sit at the last second and then he would not actually arrange to me it was just kind of like, do you want me?[01:34]OK, then again, about a year later, I started talking again on a different website and it seemed a lot more interested this time year. Getting to know me more and all that sort of stuff seemed interested. So I was like, OK, let me go on this time and arrange to baby. So I was about to leave and everything and he just didn't respond. So I just didn't just delete him off my phone and whatever and then left it.[01:59]But I think that was kind of one of them. Treat it means keep from keen. And I think he thought that that was going to keep me hooked in and I just like, fizzle out. And then he kept liking me on the thing as well afterwards because he most of premium's you can't rely on my account and like him, I just just left it, left it physically now because I'm not playing I'm not allowed to play games. But I think that was one of them scenarios I amines CAPM key.[02:24]I was just looking for some of them, and there's a four page open that's gone, but it was this one recommends you take four hours minimum to reply to a text. You only see them once a week for the first month and only, oh, this is is this advice to be able to treat someone mean to keep them interested.[02:54]Yeah. All right.<a href="https://www.happyscribe.com/transcriptions/0efc678d6a9d48bb9dd608f6eeff0455/edit_v2?position=176.74"...

We spend a lot of time trying to get into relationships. We spend a lot of time thinking and talking about our relationships. But have you ever defined what a successful relationship would be like for you?Listen in as we discuss the topic from different perspectives and clarify what happy ever after would be for you.Transcript[00:00]Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. So if we start individually, we can be extroverts are going to right. So five minutes really thinking about what what would you have to have to have your personal happy ever after? And it may be that you want to move or turn your camera off or whatever while you think about that, and then we'll go into the into the groups.[00:46]So I'm going to be here for a minute while I had everyone else. I know some people who come in and just for the recording, because I always forget about that.[00:59]But if you're listening along afterwards, he also it because I think it's really important that you have your definition before you listen to anyone else. So the question is, what would happy ever after look like? And the answer is going to be different for each of us, but there probably are going to be some common themes, so. He would like to share what they discussed or their. Vision. I'll go first on the news for an hour. So this is going to be a good time to mention I, I am on that spectrum.[01:44]So for me, someone who understands the news, who understands that I might say the wrong thing occasionally and I might not react in the same way and I might not laugh. You joke. You don't get it. I actually have to ask. I'm sorry. Are you being sarcastic? Which isn't so I'm not being sarcastic. I'm genuinely asking how are you being sarcastic? Because I got so, uh. But yeah, just someone who likes to laugh as well because I'm a bit, I'm a bit silly.[02:10]I've got better sense of humor like a pun. So someone who is not too strict about things but I do like to set routines. I go in this day, that day and that day and night and then like gets disrupted. I got a bit like that because the way my brain works, so someone who's OK with my little sort of like what the word be, I think the way to be...

We had a lively exchange of views in this podcast on how we should play the game of relationships.We talked about the two main ways of viewing the games of relationships.Then we got into the detailed games people sometimes play in relationships. For example, should you 'treat them mean to keep them keen?'The Relationship Landscape. All this and more wisdom from;The Scouse GuruHeroic ErelThe Diplomatand many more we haven't renamed yet!Transcript[00:00]Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. So tonight's meetup is about playing the game of relationships, I've got my game of Game of Thrones mug here. So first thing I think we can discuss in the breakout rooms, if you discuss. When I couldn't so I'm going to talk about our relationship has been, again, lasting again tonight. And what's your reaction, what's your feeling about that and what's your view?[00:56]It is often. Often this. Well. Often these people have a reaction to sometimes being called again. Okay, so we're going to split and see breakout rooms differently.[01:13]I'm sorry I didn't tell you.[01:17]You said to go to the breaking room.[01:20]Yes, a breakout room. Let me see if I can. To the breakout room. Did you get a link to click?[01:28]But I left it. But what what to do in this briefing room.[01:31]OK, so the breakout rooms for more private conversations. So you're going to discuss the topic in smaller groups.[01:39]Mm hmm. Yeah. OK, and then. I just want to come back to. Yeah, OK. And then we're going to come back into the main room, where will we discuss to discuss anything anyone wants to talk about that came across in the breakout rooms and then we'll have a more general discussion.[02:05]OK, again, I be.[02:11]Joining us, OK? Hi, Robbie. I was just actually replying to your message. Yeah, I found I found it was in the meetup calendar.[02:26]OK, yeah. Sometimes people people done is kind of buried in. Okay, so what we did tonight, as you saw, was playing the game of relationships. So how it works is we have while people are joining this, others, you don't have a breakout group, breakout rooms.

Friendships can be deeply rewarding and also deeply painful when they go wrong. In this episode we discuss relationship problems that ended up touching on the biggest questions in life.Transcript[00:00]Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. I've not really done a lot of work in terms of friendships, so I'm not really clear on what people want to talk about and what the biggest issues are going to be. So if we talk about. In the group's. Really, what you'd like to get out of how you like your relationship friendships to be improved.[00:42]Any problems that you have in your friendships? And then we'll come back and go from there, because we've got to have some new people just to remind everyone that we record the audio of what was discussed in the main room. And but what was said in a bright carriage is private, so. Yes, sir, we only the audio and first time. Right, so. He wants to sort of sum up some issues that came up in breakout rooms.[01:27]I don't know whether I don't mind. So basically what we can do with shamers in order to. To attract a friend, especially when you've got to be a friends yourself and show, in other words, it's about being comfortable within within yourself, and then once you're once you've got that level of comfort, when you meet another human being, regardless of gender or age, that person will automatically be attracted to you because of the quality that your students from yourself.[02:07]So I gave an example yesterday where I went on when I went on a walk with another Meetup group, which had never done before, and my expectation wasn't negative. I wasn't thinking I'm going to go on a two hour walk with a lot of the people who we don't know and they don't know me and I'm going to be bored and will I enjoy it. I just went with complete serenity in my own head, and when I arrived, I instantly got so wimbish, like all grown.[02:41]And then we spent the next two hours walking around up in a really good laugh and I really enjoyed myself. But at the end, once I had listened to the other people, other people's conversations whilst I was there, I was aware that although I would be able to hold a conversation with them, they were compatible, compatible with myself and I wasn't compatible with them. So it was like like it had automatically attracted, like by me not doing anything.[03:16]Yeah, yeah, I think that's that's that's one of the key things, I think, of the issues underlying friendships. And I was discussing. That's some friendships can be hard to start, like one party will recognize traits in another person that they've just met that they like, but they're barriers that the other person presents. And sometimes it's a bit of a challenge. You almost have...

Every relationship hits a problem when our view or vision differs from our Partners.Slaying the Dragon is the step of the Fairy Tale that everyone skips. Every Prince and Princess had an ordeal before they lived happily ever after. That ordeal is overcoming the problems that will otherwise block your happy ever after.TranscriptionWelcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. So the topic we're going to talk about tonight is slaying the dragon. And slaying the dragon is the metaphor for the problems in a relationship and how you resolve those problems. So. When we going to break out rooms I'd like you to think about for a minute now, is the relationships in your life where.There's a problem that's coming between the two of you and so these can be all kinds of relationships, romantic relationships, whether it's friendships, whether it's work, relationships, wherever there's a problem.Between you and the other person stopping the relationship from really flowing. So if you think about those relationships now, what are we going to discuss in the breakout rooms is what is making the relationship a struggle? What is the problem that's come in between the two of you? Perhaps examples might be it might help if everyone writes in the chat box. Examples that they have of a problem that's hindering their relationship. This can be any kind of relationship because we're looking at a process rather than the actual details here.And while everyone's everyone's doing that, is there anyone that has a problem that isn't too emotionally sensitive that they would be happy discussing? We can use as an example. And, Carol, to add anything specifically there, would you say, for example, that we can use OK for for for us?I believe it was lack of communication. So in our relationship, there wasn't anything in any event. So there was no infidelity. There was no abuse. There was no there was no particular specific thing that you could point at and say this was caused the problem. Except that I will say that. It was because we didn't really talk to each other about the things that I suppose we put up with things rather than talk to each other about it. Can that eventually, I think, took its toll?OK. OK, and so if you weren't able to resolve it and that led to the end of the relationship. Yeah, well, it's a bit more complicated than that. I mean, she basically got to a point where in her mind it was finished and she basically kind of said, right, this is it, we need to get divorced. And and that was it.OK, OK, so come on. OK, is anyone anything else come up in the groups that anyone would like to discuss?So I was going to say, Rob, that for me, my my girlfriend, when I went in, she was quite needy, like she had mental health issues. And and I think after about sort of three or four years, she she improved quite significantly and she actually turned into a different person in some respects. So she went from being a massive introvert to being quite extroverted. And it was actually difficult for me to I felt like I had to know I had to learn to get to know her again.I felt like it was a different but. In some respects, we go for. OK. All right, so what I'm what I'm going to do is I'm going to just talk about my ideas because the Slay the Dragon, then how many people are clear on what I mean by Slay the Dragon?Yeah, OK. All right, so I'm going to show you my ideas on why I think slaying the dragon is important and how we go about there and then we can use that as a framework. To look at more specific, so. Right. One minute they are going to share the screen just so sometimes visuals are easier to. To get an idea of what I'm saying,...

Who are you?It's the question others always ask -implicitly if not explicitly -when they first meet you.Do you know clearly yourself?On what level?And how do you express who you are in a way that is authentic and encourages deeper exploration?This is what we explored on the call.Transcript[00:00]Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. OK, so we've still got a few people to join. I expect that will be joining us in the next 10 minutes. But rather than everyone wait, I think what it might be best to do is we'll go into breakout groups and just to ask each other the topic of the day, today's meet up career.[00:42]And it's just a chance to get to know people. In a little bit more detail. OK, so he had an interesting how did most people respond?[00:58]At this point, I want to look to the question of who you are and generally how how did it feel?[01:10]Really awkward. Yeah. I think it was quite comfortable because we were such a small group and we were all kind of one, I think.[01:22]OK, so what I'm interested in is what were the different answers that people had?[01:34]I think for ourselves, we was kind of associating ourselves, relating ourselves to our circumstance with which which we want to. Well, what we're challenged with, like trying to change, like relationship status or trying to.[01:54]Stablish Will Hermes. So we didn't identify ourselves, such as about usually what people would do through hobbies, interests. It's because of the nature of this meeting is themed. We we associated ourselves with our status where we are. And what kind of Drew was, hey, I guess we take.[02:18]I don't think we're going into any philosophical discussions, at least not while I was desperately trying to connect the. And who are you as a person or personality or I think. Well, I took it literally as a question. What's your background? What are you trying to achieve? I think the rest of the group at the time was discussing a case that was in terms of relationships, because that's the context.[02:46]Yes. OK, what about other groups?<a href="https://www.happyscribe.com/transcriptions/e8e3b352b0d346819065b71e93859d3b/edit_v2?position=172.72" rel="noopener...

In this episode we had a chance to grill Sanjay from elatedate.com to find out how dating apps really work and how to make them work for you.TranscriptionWelcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. Sanjay is the creator of a dating app called Like If I just pass you over, Sanjay, you want to just give people a little bit of details about what what I can find out from you.And yeah. So yeah. So I think I'm seeing some of you guys on this floor.But yes, I'm the founder of a dating app called a late just kind of launching at the moment.And I not traditionally from the dating world, like I actually worked in kind of marketing and business. And it's kind of different companies I go to and stuff. But we got into the dating world more recently and working with a kind of a company called Nucleated to build this app and trying to build something a little bit different. So, yeah. So it would be really interesting to hear what you guys kind of think and what your frustrations and stuff with the generally.And then I'll try and give you a little bit of an insight on what it's like to kind of build one and what it's like to kind of try and match people in an app.Okay. Well, thank you for being here, Sanjay. Well, while we're waiting for everyone to get on, what we'll do is we'll breakout into breakout rooms. And a topic of discussion is what what is your biggest frustration with dating apps? Hi, and I would say for me on my personal experience, like over the past, I'll say eight years, like it started off with plenty of fish and plenty of fish. And eventually, I got to say, this was like a year ago, I finally decided I just gave up without and deleted it off of delete.It did not, like, clear my whole profile on the actual site. So I just delete the app because basically. On plenty of fish, for example. I was just never getting any messages from girls that I was interested in. I was just so basically I would always browse through girls close close to my area and I'll drop a message. I'll drop a message I try to make. I tried my best to make the message. The first message, like how you call.Not to basic, but some to some until I start a conversation, and even now I still get I don't get a single message. I know they've seen my message. They've lots of high profile, but they don't respond back. So that's one. That's one. That's one frustration.Okay, I'll just put you there. That's what we're going to do, is we're going to go into breakout rooms so we can discuss this in smaller groups. So if you want to discuss it there and what we're going to do is come back to Sanjay's brains of how to find a solution for you.OK, OK, so I'm just going to send everyone in, will go for 12 minutes, so I'm going to force you should be about four minutes each. I cut you off. I don't know if you want to carry on where you were. Lost from my screen tastelessness. OK, I'll start off like I've been I've been on pretty much every social media to dating sites over the over the years, and for me, me and girls is basically just anything I do to try and like, I just try and get any girls I want.It's just nothing seems to work for me because I never get anywhere because. Do you think I get with girls it's just endless rejections or time wasters who they're not interested, but they enjoy, like wasting my time one way or another. So I've tried many dating sites from 10 to from Playfish to tender to Cupid to him, you name it. And as I mentioned before, with with plenty of fish, I've actually had plenty of fish over a year ago because I was I wasn't getting

In this episode we talked about breakups and our experiences in getting over them.We talked about the the grief process to getting past the pain.We discussed the three stories that are key in processing the emotions and learnings we can take as we move forwards.

How do you create a relationship that works for both sides?A relationship that lasts because it makes both partners feel that they are better in the relationship than being single or with anyone else?That's the question we addressed in this podcast.Transcript[00:00]Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips.[00:16]Okay, so the topic today is the built to last relationship, so they built last relationship for me is is a relationship where both parties in the relationship want to be in a relationship because they believe that it's going to make their life better than being alone or being with anyone else.[00:44]So. So the question is, how do we build that? So what we're going to do, we're going to go into breakout rooms and the question I'm just going to share. So the question is more like heated discussion in discussion groups, is the last relationship that you were in or the most significant relationship that you've been in, what happened to Britney care and what was what was missing? Feel comfortable with it is to as briefly as you can, right in the chat box.[01:35]What you think was the cause of your breakup or what was missing in your last relationship. But if you can not put anything that you personally identify anyone and what I want, I'll have a look at that and we'll have a look at here. But also, I'd like to kind of break down what the reasons were and sort of look at them in dynamics as in what can we do in the future.[02:06]So you just probably just want the reasons for the breakup, you wanting us to write down. Why did what I think was missing? Yes.[02:15]So so what caused the breakup? Was it like it could be incompatible, grown apart? It could be infidelity. It could be whatever the reasons are. And yet what or what was missing. OK, so we've got mismatched values, lack of honesty, lack of communication, maturity, lack of excitement, intimacy and humor, help poor communication. OK, so communication is a big. Excitement. I'm going to class personal foundations like emotional communication, compatibility or infidelity.[03:13]Okay, is there anyone who who wants to talk about what they talked about in their group? I will. So who's who is this ahead of us? That's going to to.[03:29]And I'm trying remember, I think there was two parts to the question I just on. One of the things is like lack of flexibility. So, you know, where these things should...

Most of us in our 40's, 50's and older have grown up expecting a relationship to last forever.Yet only about half of them do.So many of us end up questioning what's wrong with us or what we need to do to make our relationships work. Listen in on the initial coaching session of someone in that situation.