Clarity is kind It’s been months since I’ve shared a podcast episode with you. I had to get clear with myself on how I wanted to move forward before I could communicate it clearly to you. Post-sabbatical, I still felt drained and like I had so little to give. I’ve spent a lot of time feeling discouraged by the results of my podcast. But it finally hit me that even if I make $8k on the podcast, I spent $7k on the podcast. As I told you in January, my vision for this year is “less is more” and “simplify.” In an effort to follow that vision and promise, this will be my final podcast episode (potentially ever).   Here’s what staying in touch looks like moving forward… Patreon patreon.com/therefinedcollective You can join for $5/mo (or $5/mo if you want access to the book club) We have four events each month: Exclusive video (this month I’m talking about the Barbie movie) Coaching Q+A video (you ask questions, I answer them) Connection call (this month, we’re chatting about embodiment) Book club (this month, we’re reading Shameless by Nadia Bolz-Weber) Coaching I still offer coaching in my shop! You can purchase individual or bundles of coaching calls therefinedwoman.com/coaching.  

I feel like I start every episode with “this week’s episode, I’m doing things a little differently,” and that’s because I’m really just playing around with what feels good! Since before my sabbatical, I’ve felt lost as to what to share on the podcast. So this week, I decided to do something I thought would be fun (and maybe you’ll think it’s fun too)... an episode where I talk about five things I’m LOVING right now. Are you ready? Resources Join Patreon here and sign up for book club! This month is Falling Upward by Richard Rohr. Go to link.primallypure.com/therefinedwoman and use code TRW10 for 10% off. P.S. if you want 25% off, follow me on IG and keep an eye out for a code on May 11th. The code will only be valid on May 11th!

This week, we’re doing something a little different and very exciting: Kobe Campbell is guest hosting an episode of The Refined Collective with her husband Kyle (the hosts of The Healing Circle Podcast). In this episode, Kobe will be breaking down the different types of traumas, the nuances of each, and what they can look like in your life.   Trauma Myth We can sometimes have this perspective of “Trauma” and “trauma” where we have an idea that one is worse than the other. But that is NOT the case! There are boulders (acute trauma) and pebbles (chronic trauma), and even though pebbles are smaller, they become a large mass as the number of pebbles grow. “Our body processes emotional pain almost identically to the way it processes physical pain.” - Kobe Campbell   Acute Trauma A single traumatic incident.  This is what most people think of when they think of trauma. This includes major traumatic events like getting hit by a car, being sexually assaulted, or your house catching on fire. Even going through the pandemic can be considered an acute trauma.   Chronic Trauma Prolonged and ongoing abuse or pain. This might be the fact that your feelings were always dismissed by your parents growing up. “If your internal voice is mimicking the external invalidation you’ve heard your entire life, you’ve experienced chronic emotional trauma.” - Kobe Campbell   Complex Trauma A combination of acute and chronic trauma and/or several acute traumas or several chronic traumas. “Trauma freezes you in time… There are a lot of 9-year-olds trapped in 50-year-old bodies.” - Kobe Campbell Kobe’s husband, Kyle, shares his own story of complex trauma.   Resources Join Patreon here and listen to another Kobe episode! Order Kobe’s book Why Am I Like This? Work with Kobe Campbell. Join Kobe’s inner circle. Listen to The Healing Circle Podcast. Listen to Kobe on TRC ep 174 “Is It The Holy Spirit Or My Trauma?” Listen to Kobe on TRC ep 150 “When Is It Time To Go To Therapy?”  

Mike Maeshiro is the founder of Numa, an organization that supports people in deconstruction, spirituality, and faith. Mike is gay, an advocate for the LGBTQ+ community, and a queer theology enthusiast. He is a life coach, speaker and thought leader. In this episode, Mike shares his story of coming out, the beliefs that kept him in the closet for so long, and why he still believes in God as a gay person.

Language disclaimer: this episode includes explicit language so maybe listen with headphones if you’re around children.   As you all know, I took a sabbatical last fall. I needed that time to focus on my own growth and healing without having a microphone in my hand. One thing I knew I wanted to experience during my time away from The Refined Collective was a psilocybin journey (aka mushroom journey). I know there are a lot of immediate reactions that come to mind when someone hears something like that. And I know there are a million questions that you want answered. This episode is a deep dive into the 2-day guided mushroom journey, including why I felt at peace with the decision.   It is important to note that I am not a doctor and this experience is not for everybody. But I wanted to share with you what my experience was like.   My Background I come from a family with addiction in it, and so I have always been careful about all substances. On top of that growing up Christian—I assumed anything drug related would be an open doorway for the demonic. For these reasons and so many more, I never thought a mushroom journey would be something I’d do. A few years ago I started hearing rumblings of people I knew micro-dosing mushrooms to support things like PTSD, anxiety, and depression.  Out of curiosity, I started doing some research of my own. Three years into my research, I was presented with an opportunity to take part in a guided journey and I felt ready to do it.   The Basics I checked in with my therapist, my doctor, and my family. Everyone knew I was taking part in this experience. The experience cost $500 and was led by three facilitators and there was a doctor on the premises as well. It felt incredibly safe. The mushrooms themselves were put into a sort of hot chocolate.   The Breakthroughs I felt so held by God during this experience. I knew God was there with me and that I was safe even in the unknown of what this experience would feel like. There was a particular moment from childhood that came up and brought up some heavy and powerful physical reactions.   Resources Join Patreon here! Fantastic Fungi documentary on Netflix  How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan  The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk  Old episodes of TRC about anxiety 

Language disclaimer: this episode includes explicit language so maybe listen with headphones if you’re around children.   You know how when you say something to your best friend it's not as scary as saying it to an audience of thousands of people so you feel free to be completely honest and vulnerable? Well my best friend and I recorded an episode that we didn't think we'd ever share, but here it is! We really just let ‘er rip in this convo. We talk about:   What if we gave ourselves the permission to feel anger? Navigating disappointment in dating Why is the bar set so low for men in dating right now? Are our dating expectations too high? Are we expecting our partner to meet needs for us they were never meant to need? How do we process our disappointment in dating without turning into a bitter + cynical single woman (you know “that girl”...we’ve all met her!) Why is voicing our needs in a romantic relationship so hard? How owning my voice in dating has been as vulnerable as it has been liberating! Feeling Frustrated We share recent stories of being ghosted and stood up and how we felt about those situations and how we responded to them. “It feels really vulnerable to put on a podcast because I get afraid that if I’m really honest about how disappointed I am with my experience with men, being a 37 year old woman, I become the ‘bitter single woman.’”   What We’re Working On Tutti talks a lot about voicing her needs being something she wants to prioritize moving forward. I share a breakthrough moment where I sent a text to a guy who stood me up— a text I wouldn’t have ever sent before. What is something you are working on?   Moving Forward Where do you think the disconnect is in these situations?  How did we get here?  How do you think we need to move forward? Resources Join Patreon here! Listen to Dear Diary: Am I A Good Kisser? Listen to Dear Diary: Excerpts from my Middle School Journal Keep up with Tutti on Instagram at @tuttidelmonte If you need a boudoir photographer, check out budoirbytutti.com  

Welcome back to The Refined Collective Podcast!   I actually recorded this episode before I recorded last week’s episode, but decided I needed more time to figure out my path forward with the podcast. There’s so much to dive into in this episode. We’re talking about where I’m at, where I’m headed, and how things will look different around here. I hope in colliding with my story, you’ll give yourself permission to own your own story and color outside the lines a bit.   Breaking the insanity cycle I’ve been on the brink of burnout for years now. Add to that the pandemic, a book launch, a failed egg freezing, a faith crisis and more certainly did not help matters. For me taking a sabbatical was me pressing pause on the hamster wheel of social media and content creation. It was realizing I was giving from an empty cup.  It was me acknowledging that I could not move forward as things were. Sometimes you have to take drastic measures to interrupt your life and that was the sabbatical for me.   So what did I do with my time off? Well as much as I wanted to rush off to Bali and have my very own “Eat. Pray. Love” moment—that wasn’t in the cards for me. I still ran my full time photo biz.   But I did try some new things: I took a 2-day psilocybin journey. Expanded my dating life quite a bit including dating an ethically non-monogamous guy. Bought a second property! And more… Now remember, I’m only releasing two podcast episodes each month! So I’ll meet you back here on the first Wednesday of March, okay? In the meantime, I’ll be seeing my Patreon fam for the final two Wednesdays of February for a Zoom coaching call and a Zoom book club meeting focusing on Caste by Isabel Wilkerson.   Resources Join Patreon here! Listen to my podcast episode about why I took a sabbatical here. Listen to the teaser episode I released last week here. Connect with Michelle Peterson here.

It’s been about 5 months since I’ve come to you through your speakers, and I’m back (in a brand new way). This is my fifth year doing the podcast and releasing a podcast episode every week has been exhausting.   One of my main goals this year is to foster this community while also embracing this idea of “less is more." What does that mean for the podcast? Welp it means I’ll be releasing fewer episodes this year.   Here’s what you can expect from me: Two TRC Podcast episodes a month.  The rest of my live content will publish to Patreon every month where I’ll be interesting most of my efforts to cultivate community + meaningful convos. Each month on patreon I’ll host a live group coaching call on Zoom. The final week of each month, I host a book club (this month’s book is Caste by Isabel Wilkerson). I am committed to prioritizing creating community with you. So many of us are going through deconstruction with no real space to process everything we’re going through. I hope Patreon feels like a place where you can connect with others and reimagine a greater story together.   I’m so happy to be getting back into community with you and creating a safe close community in Patreon.   Next week on the podcast, I will be sharing a recap of my sabbatical (it may or may not include a 2-day psilocybin therapeutic journey). In the meantime, I hope you come join us over on Patreon! You can join at patreon.com/therefinedcollective.   Resources Join Patreon here! Listen to my podcast episode about why I took a sabbatical here.

This is my final podcast episode of 2022! I can’t believe it! If you want to hear more about my decision to take a 4-month sabbatical from all things The Refined Woman, content creation, and social media, check out this episode.  I’ve thought a lot about what I want to share with you in this episode, and what came to mind were 3 things that I’ve been learning in life, growing through, and healing from.   There is simply nothing better than a well-made + COMFORTABLE leather shoe. Get 20% off when you go to BedSTU.com and use code RC20 at checkout. Right now, The Risolve is offering our listeners an additional 20% off when you go to TheRisolve.com and use discount code REFINED20 at checkout!

Dr. Natalie Crawford is co-founder of Fora Fertility, a boutique fertility practice in Austin, Texas and is board certified in both Obstetrics and Gynecology and Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility (REI). Early on in the pandemic I had her on the podcast to talk about egg freezing: TRC Ep 91: “The Fertility Series: Egg Freezing 101”. Fast forward to 2022, I started my own egg freezing journey with Dr. Natalie (which you can hear all about here). Today, I brought her back on the podcast to talk about a really important issue: the overturning of Roe v Wade.   There is simply nothing better than a well-made + COMFORTABLE leather shoe. Get 20% off when you go to BedSTU.com and use code RC20 at checkout. Modern Fertility makes it easy to test your hormone levels at home. Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined. Right now, The Risolve is offering our listeners an additional 20% off when you go to TheRisolve.com and use discount code REFINED20 at checkout!

This is a big episode for me. Punch line first: I am taking a 4-month sabbatical from this podcast and ALL things The Refined Woman related starting September 1st through January 1st. I know you probably have a million questions (and concerns) so this episode is dedicated to explaining why I’ve made this decision, what this time will look like for you, and what I’ll be doing while I’m away.   Get 20% off when you go to BedSTU.com and use code RC20 at checkout. The Risolve is offering our listeners 20% off when you go to TheRisolve.com and use discount code REFINED20 at checkout!

So your whole life you were taught to save sex until marriage from the church. You were taught it was ‘God’s best.’ But now you’re in a massive season of deconstruction. Your faith still matters to you, but it looks nothing like it used to anymore.   Who + how do you date during this season? And what about your physical boundaries? What if you don’t know if you want to wait until marriage anymore?    Well…today on the podcast alongside celebrity matchmaker Alessandra Conti, we go straight towards these questions. Conti is the co-founder of Matchmakers In The City, an old-school, personal matchmaking firm headquartered in Beverly Hills. Let’s dive into what she has to share!   Get 20% off when you go to BedSTU.com and use code RC20 at checkout. Go to ZocDoc.com/Kat to download the app for free and start your search today!

I put a question box on IG stories for you to submit any and all questions about me for me to answer on the podcast and y’all did NOT hold back! These questions got deeply personal and I’m diving into all of it with you today. Am I in therapy? Will I ever abandon dating apps? Do I have a "one that got away"? Let's get into it. Get 20% off when you go to BedSTU.com and use code RC20 at checkout. Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined.

Guess who's back!? Shaun Galanos from The Love Drive! He is a love coach who teaches communication and intimacy skills! He is probably one of my top 5 favorite people to follow on Instagram— once you see his reels you’ll know why. The first time he was a guest on the podcast, we spoke about cheating, ghosting, finances, and sex. This week, we’re diving into more of your questions! Go to AmericanBlossomLinens.com and use code REFINED20 for 20% off your order. Get 20% off when you go to BedSTU.com and use code RC20 at checkout. Go to ZocDoc.com/Kat to download the app for free and start your search today!

Our favorite sexologist is back! Dr. Celeste Holbrook is here again this week to answer some of your sex ed questions. We talk about everything from the basics of understanding your anatomy to the complicated feelings that may arise if you want to introduce sex toys into your partnered sex.   Get started now with 25% off a premium subscription by downloading the Abide app at Abide.co/refined.  Go to AmericanBlossomLinens.com and use code REFINED20 for 20% off your order. Get 20% off when you go to BedSTU.com and use code RC20 at checkout. 

I am so thrilled to be back sharing podcast episodes with you after my 4-week break. And I’m even more thrilled to be talking (again) with Sheila Wray Gregoire, the author of The Great Sex Rescue and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. She was on the podcast last year (listen to it here) and she left us with a cliff hanger and I am glad to be diving deeper into that conversation today. We’re covering everything from defining sex to the orgasm gap and the sexual response cycle. Go to AmericanBlossomLinens.com and use code REFINED20 for 20% off your order. Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined. Go to ZocDoc.com/Kat to download the app for free and start your search today!

Welcome back to another Ask Kat episode! If you’re new here, I answer questions on IG stories every Monday but it’s so hard to answer them in 15 seconds! So I created a podcast series where I can give more in depth answers to your nuanced questions. You can listen to the first Ask Kat episode here. This time around, I’m talking all things Bridgerton, being an LGBTQ+ ally, interfaith relationships, and my own physical boundaries in dating. Go to ZocDoc.com/Kat to download the app for free and start your search today! Start monetizing your podcast with Podcorn and explore sponsorship opportunities by signing up here: podcorn.com/podcasters.

If I did things ‘God’s way’, wouldn’t God bless me with the partner + kids I have always longed for? It never occurred to me to learn what other options were available to me. It felt heart breaking to even begin to research my fertility options at age 34—because it felt like an admission of being in a place that I never wanted to be in: single + childless. In this podcast episode, I’m sharing my process of choosing to freeze my eggs, the logistics of the actual procedure, the results, costs, and…is it worth it?    Modern Fertility makes it easy to test your hormone levels at home. Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined.   Smile Brilliant makes night guards to stop the undoable damage of teeth grinding. Use code REFINED for 20% off sitewide at SmileBrilliant.com.   Abide is the number one Christian meditation app. Get started now with 25% off a premium subscription by downloading the Abide app at Abide.co/refined.

For mental health May–I did something new!  I created three meditation podcast episodes under 10 minutes! If you missed the first two, check them out: Meditation for burnout (listen here).  Meditation for anxiety by Jackie Viramontez (listen here).  Now, I’ll be leading you through meditation for gratitude. Use code REFINED for 20% off sitewide at SmileBrilliant.com.

I would love to offer you a few meditations and prayers that have been a lifeline for me over the past few years. The next three episodes of TRC will be guided meditations. First up was meditation for burnout (listen here). This week, my friend Jackie Viramontez will be guiding us through a meditation for anxiety.  Use code REFINED for 20% off sitewide at SmileBrilliant.com.

How do you seek God when you don’t know if you believe the way you used to? How do you move forward in your faith when it feels like it’s in shambles?  How do you experience God outside of Sunday church?  I’m no expert, but I would love to offer you a few meditations and prayers that have been a lifeline for me over the past few years. The next three episodes of TRC will be guided meditations. First up: meditation for burnout. Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined.

This is Part III of a series on deconstruction. In Part I, we ask “What exactly is deconstruction + how do I know if I’m experiencing it?” In Part II, we ask “Can I completely deconstruct my faith and still be a Christian?” This week, we’ll be asking “What would Jesus do? How then shall we live?” Reflection Questions: What has your relationship to doubt been?  What would it look like for you to replace certainty with faith? Did anything resonate with you in the ocean + boat metaphor? If so, what?

This is Part II of a series on deconstruction— if you missed Part I, go ahead and listen to that here. In Part I, we ask what exactly is deconstruction + how do I know if I’m experiencing it, and the resources that have helped me in my own process. Today, we’ll be moving through the question “Can I completely deconstruct my faith and still be a Christian?” Start monetizing your podcast with Podcorn and explore sponsorship opportunities by signing up here: podcorn.com/podcasters.

This week, we’re stepping into a series on deconstruction. I avoided talking about this in depth on the podcast before, because I am no expert. When I polled my Instagram audience, 76% said they are currently deconstructing. And everyone’s experiences within deconstruction have been extremely varied. How do I know if I’m experiencing deconstruction? If I start deconstructing, will I lose my faith altogether? These are very real and human questions that we are all asking. I can’t give you a ton of answers, but I can be with you here as we ask meaningful questions. Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined.

I am completely fangirling over today’s podcast guest— I have read all of her books over the years and I can’t wait for you to get to know her. Shauna Niequist is the NYT Bestselling author of Cold Tangerines, Bittersweet, Bread & Wine, Savor, Present Over Perfect, and I Guess I Haven’t Learned That. Today, we’re talking about trusting your gut feelings, the hard parts of deconstruction that people don’t really talk about, embracing learning instead of shaming not knowing, and what prayer looks like in a season of deconstruction.

Our favorite sexologist, Dr. Celeste Holbrook, is back on the podcast to give you some more sex education! As many of you know, I spent a lot of time coming to terms with the shame I felt around my sexual desire. Since I grew up in purity culture, I didn’t receive a proper sex education. And because I didn’t get a proper sex education, I found myself in some uncomfortable situations because I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Knowledge helps you develop a muscle of consent and the language to communicate your boundaries. So if you can relate, this episode will help fill in some of the many gaps in your sex education.

In episode 170 of TRC, Manwell Reyes said “I love strong women but they come with a lot of pride and you’re gonna have to argue them into submission.”  To say I was uncomfortable with that comment is a wild understatement. We didn't have time to unpack it during that episode, so I brought Manwell back to talk about it in full context. We take a deep dive into the history of the word submission, why it’s important to acknowledge the problem before moving forward, and how we can move forward in a way that embraces the beauty of submission.   Go to bit.ly/trcsexed to register for the 3-part Sex Ed Workshop Series. Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined. Go to www.paleovalley.com and use code KAT15 for 15% off your first purchase.

This week my bestie, Tutti del Monte, is returning for another Dear Diary episode. This time, instead of spending the full episode reading old diary entries, we’re chatting about things we chat about in real life: how to know if you’re a bad kisser and how we define sex differently. Plus, we talk about if I’m still waiting for marriage to have sex and Tutti’s current pause on sex in her relationship.

Welcome back to the Ask Kat series! It’s basically like my Mentor Monday IG story series (which you can keep up with here), but this is the first time where you get to send in an audio file of your questions and I answer them live on air! If you want to submit your question for the next Ask Kat episode, go to speakpipe.com/trc.

I’m really nervous for you to listen to this episode. This week, I’m sharing my story of how and why I kinda accidentally left the church during the pandemic, and why I haven’t chosen to go back. I share with you what I have learned and am learning from my separation from the church, why I believe God is really with me in this place, the 3 main reasons I’m not a part of the church right now, and what church and community is actually looking like for me these days.

Every week on IG stories, I do “Mentor Mondays”. Recently, I answered a question about dating non-Christians and it just didn’t feel complete. Mainly because I only have 15 seconds on IG stories to answer very nuanced topics. So in this episode, I’ll be unpacking the much debated and talked about topic of Christians dating non-Christians (plus my own experience dating non-Christians).

I woke up on a Sunday morning feeling waves of grief from my recent heartbreak. I feel lonely. It’s hard making friends in general, let alone during a pandemic, after a cross country move, and while you’re not going to church. I knew that church had been a source of community for me, but it wasn’t until I left that I began to understand just how much it brought me. In this episode, I just want to share where I’m at and see if you’re feeling the same way.

Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is the idea of letting go versus giving up. And based on the number of DMs I received when I shared about this on IG stories, it seems it’s been on a lot of your minds too. So…what is  the difference between letting go and giving up, and why does it matter?    Beducated is offering TRC listeners a 24 hour free trial and 70% off for the yearly pass, which comes out to just $7.99/month. Just go to beducate.me/therefinedcollective and use my coupon code: REFINED.

In the past two episodes, I shared how I made $7/day after college living out of a van working for a non-profit. Then I found my way to photography and ultimately built a 6-figure photography business. From there I talk about how my little fashion blog turned into The Refined Woman and this podcast. And so today, I am sharing the final part of my career story: how I landed a 6-figure book deal.

Last week, I shared on the podcast how I made $7/day after college living out of a van working for a non-profit. Then I  found my way to photography and ultimately built a 6-figure photography business. But as you know, that’s only part of my career journey. Along the way, I also started The Refined Woman and created this podcast, The Refined Collective.   Beducated is offering TRC listeners a 24 hour free trial and 70% off for the yearly pass, which comes out to just $7.99/month. Just go to beducate.me/therefinedcollective and use my coupon code: REFINED. 

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   I saw a meme that said “I didn’t realize 2020 was gonna be a trilogy” which I thought was hilarious, but I also thought NO I don’t want to embrace that. I am on the evidence hunt for a year of celebration, breakthrough, and lost dreams coming back to life. In cleaning up my life for 2022, I came across my tax return from 2012 and my gross income was $4300. I paused and realized that 2021 was the most financially successful year of my life. So I want to look back at where my journey started and share the story with you.   Gratitude Sometimes it’s hard to see your story for what it is because you’re so close to it— I know that’s what kept me from recognizing the beauty in my career journey. It’s important to remember where we came from and what God has done. Sharing my breakthrough has shifted my heart into gratitude and possibility. Hopefully it stirs your heart too.   What happens when your life doesn’t unfold the way you planned it? How can you acknowledge the hope of what you want and long for while still being present to the here and now. How can you stay open to the unexpected–even if the unexpected looks NOTHING like you planned?   My Unexpected Path to Photography After a miserable experience working at a non profit in LA, my dream for photography was growing. My friend told me to stop talking about it and do it. I remembered I had Mike’s card. I spoke to him and he offered an unpaid internship, which I couldn’t accept.  I spent the summer nannying— I was broke but it was the glory days. Then out of the blue, Mike called and said he and his wife had been praying about it and offered me a job for $13/hour. I accepted.   A Budding Photographer Mike taught me everything I know. I barely knew how to turn on a camera. He brought me to New York Fashion Week to shoot a runway show, and I felt the magic of New York. I never thought I would start my own photography business, but I did and it wasn’t a success.   Be Ready For the Unexpected I started shooting for Carolina Herrera because a girl in my small group at Hillsong worked for her. I started shooting for Amy Porterfield after Jasmine Star— who I met while working for Mike— referred me to her. I still shoot for her yearly. Now, this is my 4th year shooting for Rockefeller Center. I take on around 5 weddings a year + a limited amount of lifestyle work.   Next week. I’ll continue the story with how I started a fashion blog that eventually led me down a road of landing a 6-figure book deal with one of the top publishers in the world. If you want to hear that episode now…go to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective and you can listen to it now and have access to a ton of other Patreon exclusive content.   Resources Listen to Part II early (and ad-free) here. Sign up for my 2022 vision casting workshop with Johan here. Check out Emily + Patrick’s wedding photos here. Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc   Special thanks to our newest Patreon members at the $7/month level: Jason, Rachel, Jeanna, Brenda, Danica, Jennifer, Amanda, Diana, Kelsey, Kasey, Brittany, Abi, and Adam. If you want to join, you can do that here.   If you’re in my Patreon community, you know that I recently tested my fertility. It’s time to take ownership of your fertility so you know your options for the future! Modern Fertility makes it easy to test your hormone levels at home. Modern Fertility is offering $20 off your test when you go to ModernFertility.com/refined. Spending hours trying to find the right doctor for you can be exhausting. And if you go through that process only to find out they don’t take your insurance? That almost makes me wanna give up the search. ZocDoc makes it easy to find the right doctor who takes your insurance. You can even make the appointment online! Go to ZocDoc.com/Kat to download the app for free and start your search today!

I feel like I ended 2021 crawling to the finish line. (Anyone else?) I felt completely burnt out, so I did a few things: I took the last month off and I hired a business coach. It honestly has felt like therapy. I decided to record our first session and share it with you. I got real, I also got defensive at times, I cried, and reached some real breakthroughs. I want you to have a raw and unedited look into my life, my career, my process, and what makes me tick and where I’m stuck. And hopefully in the process… you can experience some breakthroughs of your own.   Beducated is offering TRC listeners a 24 hour free trial and 70% off for the yearly pass, which comes out to just $7.99/month. Just go to beducate.me/therefinedcollective and use my coupon code: REFINED. 

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   It’s here: the final episode of 2021. Last years final episode was about how dating has changed in 2020. (You can listen to that episode here.) I have felt recently exactly what the title says: that I kinda suck at dating. So I wanted to be honest with you about what I’m moving through. I struggle with what to share and when to share it with you. I really want to honor my own process and I also want to be vulnerable with where I’m really at. So here goes it.    Teaching From Scars I always try to teach from my scars and not my scabs, but maybe I’ve taken that too far and used it as an excuse to put walls up and not be vulnerable. I normally wouldn’t even tell you that I had a dating relationship this year that didn’t work out. But I decided to share it on Patreon a little while ago. And now I want to share it with you.   Where I Went Wrong   I’m so used to being in community with women—I forgot what it felt like to have a man in my life. It was completely out of my comfort zone. I didn’t realize how many walls I had up until I tried to get to know one. I liked him so much, but I was terrified to let him know. I was afraid of rejection and became prickly, defensive, or always needed to be right.   What I Learned About Myself Honesty is different from vulnerability. I share my mind with everyone. I share my heart with like 3 people. I am comfortable sharing truth with the masses and women, but I withhold the truth with men. All I wanted was him to make movement towards me. But I would resist. I would hide my heart, stiff arm, and ninja warrior away from those bids and invitations. I put walls up. To me, this person was my dream person. But the timing was off. You can meet the perfect person for you, but if it’s not the right time, it just won’t work. This is a really hard pill to swallow. Timing is everything. I have so many unhealed wounds from my father. I brought my trauma into every interaction + conversation: you’ll probably leave me.  The work is never done. The #1 thing to look for is willingness to grow vs. perfection Resources Here’s that throwback blog post I mentioned about a breakup I had years ago. Listen to last year’s podcast episode on how dating has changed here. Listen to last year’s 2020 reflection podcast episode here. Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc I am such a fan of dainty, feminine, delicate jewelry. I also am a firm believer that the physical is always an invitation to the spiritual. This is why I am so excited to be partnering with NYC-based, female-founded jewelry company Satya. Satya means “truth” in Sanskrit and all of their pieces are designed to bring joy, peace, and hope. To dive into the beautiful world of Satya jewelry, visit www.satyajewelry.com and use promo code RC15 for 15% off your first order. We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.   This past year, I’ve been trying to perfect some recipes I can have in my back pocket when I have company. In all of these experiences, I realized how important it is to have good cooking tools. I just got a brand new knife set from Made In Cookware and it has been life-changing. Go to MadeInCookware.com/kat and use promo code KAT for 15% off your first order!

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Trigger warning: We are going to be talking about some adult topics. If you have young ears around, put on some headphones or listen later on. We will also be talking about sexual assault and abusive messages many people have received in the church.    I believe we are in a season where women are rising up in a new way and making their voices heard. I am thrilled to be talking with Sheila Wray Gregoire, the author of The Great S*x Rescue. We’re talking all about her survey findings, the toxic messages we are taught about women and s*x, where those messages come from, and what the Bible actually says about it all.   What is the Org*sm Gap? Sheila and her team surveyed over 20k Christian women and performed an in-depth study on 13 best selling christian books on marriage and s*x. General consensus of what narratives are driving the s*x message for Christian woman: women are oppressed, men are viewed as animals, women are the cause of male temptation and the cure—s*x is viewed as an obligation. Org*sm gap: 95% of men almost always/always org*sm in sex vs 48% of women. Disagreements on frequency of s*x isn’t a problem. It’s a symptom of a problem.   Myth: women don’t like s*x. Reality: women need to feel safe to enjoy s*x.     The Obligation S*x Message Survey question: “Have you ever felt obligated to give your husband s*x when he wants it?” 43% of respondents said that they were taught that before marriage 39% said that they entered marriage believing it This obligation s*x message has had bad effects on the org*sm rate, marital satisfaction, and arous*l. Due to messages like the obligation s*x message, Christian women are 2x more likely to have vaginismus—which causes pen*tration to be painful, if not impossible. And nobody talks about it.   “Believing the obligation s*x message increases the chance of a woman experiencing vaginismus to almost the same statistical affect as prior abuse… Our bodies interpret it as trauma.” - Sheila Wray Gregoire     How Did We Get Here? A lot of it comes from a misinterpretation of 1 Corinthians 7:3-5   “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”   Ephesians 5 has also been taken out of context to advance the obligation s*x message.   Path Towards A Healthy Sex Life Know that it’s not your fault— we’ve all been taught the wrong thing. Read Sheila’s book, The Great S*x Rescue Realize that the only reason these messages are here is because people bought the books and went to the church book studies that perpetuated these messages. Take back the power. Speak up. The church needs to have a lot more respect for science. “We have let pastors who do not have training in s*x write our sex books and it needs to stop.” - Sheila Wray Gregoire   Rapid Fire Questions   What is the biggest effect you’ve seen purity culture have on men?  What are some questions you can ask a date to see if the other person has a healthy view of s*x? How have your findings changed your views on sex before marriage?     Resources Read Sheila’s book, The Great S*x Rescue Interested in more of a conversation around Ephesians 5? Listen to TRC Ep 137: Are We Weaponizing Scripture to Silence Women? with Tiffany Bluhm Read The Making of Biblical Womanhood by Beth Allison Barr Read Jesus and John Wayne by Kristen Kobes Du Mez Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc Did you know that 30 million women are impacted by weakened or thinning hair? If you are among them, know you are not alone and that there’s a solution you can trust. Thousands of women have taken back control of their hair thickness and overall confidence with Nutrafol. Go to Nutrafol.com and enter promo code KAT to save $15 off your first month’s subscription. This is their best offer anywhere! And it is only open to US residents at this time. I am such a fan of dainty, feminine, delicate jewelry. I also am a firm believer that the physical is always an invitation to the spiritual. This is why I am so excited to be partnering with NYC-based, female-founded jewelry company Satya. Satya means “truth” in Sanskrit and all of their pieces are designed to bring joy, peace, and hope. To dive into the beautiful world of Satya jewelry, visit www.satyajewelry.com and use promo code RC15 for 15% off your first order.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   This episode is all about how to get real results from online dating, which is something I’m really interested in talking about right now because personally I have felt burnt out from online dating. I’ve also experienced some heartache in my love life recently (I don’t want to share that story with the whole world, but you can hear it on Patreon if you’re interested.) So this episode is just as much for me as it is for you. I am so excited to have my dear friend Kait Warman with me for this conversation.   What’s your go-to dating app? I finally have an answer to that question: Upward. Here’s why: It’s great if you’re a person of faith who wants to find someone who is in alignment with your faith and values. It’s full of people looking for meaningful relationships that will lead to marriage. No hookups here! Upward is also inclusive and affirming for all Christians, which really matters to me. Not a lot of faith-based apps are. Questions on the app allow you to do a deep dive into who you are, why your faith matters, and what it is that you’re really looking for. Download the app for free here.   Dating Sunday aka The Superbowl for Online Dating The first Sunday of January is historically the busiest day of the year for online dating  Why? New Year’s Resolutions, post-holiday blues + hello Valentine’s Day is just around the corner…basically it’s time for a fresh start. Apps expect around a 30% increase in new users on this Sunday alone. 3 Things That Will Set Apart Your Online Dating Profile   CLARITY   What are you looking for? (casual, serious, in between) Communicate it clearly! How to be clear about what you’re looking for without having a chip on your shoulder/pressure? Go in with an open expectation.   “Online dating is a low stakes operation... Take the pressure off.” - Kait Warman WHO ARE YOU?   What matters to you? Why is your faith important to you? On Upward, you can say your denomination, which I think is cool. What lights you up? What do you love to do? Show, don’t tell!   “Allow yourself to really get to know yourself first, + then show that in your profile” - Kat Harris CAPTIVATE CURIOSITY   Engage someone who’s viewing your profile. i.e. 2 truths + a lie—take a guess and then tell me yours! top 5 favorite books…what are yours? Allow these to be fun + light. SPOILER ALERT: dating doesn’t always have to be so serious! The 3 Pics That Will Up Your Profile Game The average person stays on a dating profile for less than 60 seconds… You have to make your profile count and it starts with that first profile pic! Pic #1: bachelor/bachelorette photos // smiling, laughing, eyes direct-to-camera, engaging! Pic #2: the everyday you + the dressier you Pic #3: do something you love CAVEAT: these should all be up-to-date   The 3 Pics NOT To Post Group shots Sunglasses Gym/car selfies   3 Ways to Avoid Online Dating Fatigue  Commit to 3 months of Upward Get on the app 6 days a week in the first week Goal: 3 dates in 3 months Limit your use to 15 minutes a day Resources Download the Upward app here. Keep up with Kait Warman on IG at @kaitness and @heartofdating. Check out Kait’s podcast, Heart of Dating. Grab Kait’s book, Thank You For Rejecting Me. Listen to Kait’s other episodes of The Refined Collective: Ep. 17: How to Drop the Hanky (aka how to let them know you’re interested) Ep. 41: How to Online Date Like a Boss Ep. 140: Thank You For Rejecting Me Ep. 144 with Carrie Lloyd: Should I Marry a Christian Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc I am such a fan of dainty, feminine, delicate jewelry. I also am a firm believer that the physical is always an invitation to the spiritual. This is why I am so excited to be partnering with NYC-based, female-founded jewelry company Satya. Satya means “truth” in Sanskrit and all of their pieces are designed to bring joy, peace, and hope. To dive into the beautiful world of Satya jewelry, visit www.satyajewelry.com and use promo code RC15 for 15% off your first order.   Has this ever happened to you… you’re feeling like crap, need to see a doctor, you search and find one that looks good, spend hours trying to book an appointment, only to get there and realize they don’t take your insurance? There’s a solution: download the free Zocdoc app. You can search for local doctors that take your insurance, whether you’re looking for a dentist or psychiatrist. Go to Zocdoc.com/kat and download the Zocdoc app to sign up for free and book a top-rated doctor.   This podcast is sponsored by Better Help. I’ve done therapy off and on for years and am such an advocate for therapy. Better Help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist who you can start communicating with in under 48 hours. It’s affordable and accessible with financial aid available. Visit BetterHelp.com/refined for 10% off your first month and join the over 2 million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional. 

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   If you have watched Gwyneth Paltrow’s Netflix show “S*x, Love & Goop,” then you may recognize today’s podcast guests: Jaiya and Ian! Jaiya is an award-winning somatic s*xologist and creator of The Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough™, which was very transformative for me. Ian Ferguson is Jaiya’s life and business partner and the co-founder of The Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough™. I am so excited to be talking with them both today about the erotic blueprint, the 5 erotic blueprints, and whether s*xual incompatibility is actually a thing.   “Maybe we’re actually going to have an intelligent mature conversation about s*x in our culture. Maybe we’re finally ready to have that conversation.” - Jaiya   What is a Somatic S*xologist? Someone who can help you understand who you are as a s*xual being. This knowledge can get rid of the layers of shame. “Soma” means “of the body.” “It’s the body telling the truth, not the idea of what we think might be pleasurable or unpleasurable.” - Ian We have intellectualized sex too much— everybody is different as erotic beings.   The Erotic Blueprint  The Erotic Blueprint (it’s a free quiz friend) will give you a language to communicate your desires as a s*xual being. Don’t worry, even if there are questions in the quiz about s*xual experiences you haven’t had, Jaiya teaches us how to connect with and answer them honestly.   “How can I move forward in this s*xual/romantic relationship and stay connected to myself, God, and others? How can I set myself up for success whatever my s*xual ethic may be?” - Kat Harris   The 5 Erotic Blueprints  Energetic— turned on by the anticipation.  Sensual— turned on by all senses being ignited. S*xual— turned on by penetration. Kinky— turned on by anything that’s taboo. Shapeshifter— turned on by all of it!   S*xual Compatibility vs Chemistry/Attraction If you’re waiting for marriage to have s*x, you don’t have to worry about s*xual incompatbility because you can work at it.   “It’s not incompatibility— it is... are you willing to do what it takes to learn the skills to honor your partner in what it is that turns them on for both of you in the relationship?” - Jaiya   Chemistry— we are biochemically attracted to other people and this can change based on scents the person is wearing or whether a woman is on birth control.   “S*x is natural, but making love is an art.” - Ian   Rapid Fire Questions What makes good s*x? Presence, listening, willingness, awareness When is it a good time to start talking about s*x with your significant other? Right away. How do you approach the conversation? Vulnerability, create safety, stay in a place of non-judgement. What are some fun foreplay experiences? Brainstorm ideas based on your archetypes! For example, energetics should play with eye gaze and sensuals should do deep penetrating massages or bathe together.  Resources Take the Erotic Blueprint Quiz here. S*xless in the City by Kat Harris Why Him? Why Her? By Helen Fisher Slow S*x by Diane Richardson Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski She Comes First by Ian Kerner Girls & S*x by Peggy Orenstein Boys & S*x by Peggy Orenstein The Great S*x Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregoire Keep up with Jaiya on IG at @missjaiya. Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc I am such a fan of dainty, feminine, delicate jewelry. I also am a firm believer that the physical is always an invitation to the spiritual. This is why I am so excited to be partnering with NYC-based, female-founded jewelry company Satya. Satya means “truth” in Sanskrit and all of their pieces are designed to bring joy, peace, and hope. To dive into the beautiful world of Satya jewelry, visit www.satyajewelry.com and use promo code RC15 for 15% off your first order.   This past year, I’ve been trying to perfect some recipes I can have in my back pocket when I have company. In all of these experiences, I realized how important it is to have good cooking tools. I just got a brand new knife set from Made In Cookware and it has been life-changing. Go to MadeInCookware.com/kat and use promo code KAT for 15% off your first order! We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Today’s guest is my best friend, Sara del Monte, or “Tutti” if you follow her on Instagram. She was on the podcast years ago talking about how to confront unexpected change where she shared all about her pregnancy. You can listen to that here. Recently, I discovered my middle school journal and I have been going through it and reading it. I was sharing my discovery with Tutti and she had recently found hers as well. We decided it would be fun to do a podcast episode where we read our journals and psychoanalyze each other.   Kat’s Diary // October 13, 1997 “Title: Melrose Hotel Main characters: Eve Davis, the mysterious woman who is head over heels for Richie Stale. Katherine Harris, a young woman who is trying to make it big in the modeling business. Plot: Two roommates who are into partying and catching guys at the clubs come night, but at day they’re two women trying to make a career of being hot and sexy models. They’ve got the looks, the hair, the talk, but do they have the moves? Come see On the Hot.”   Let’s unpack that... Tutti and I talk about how this may or may not have been me prophesying our future life in New York City.   Tutti’s Diary // February 14, 1999 “Yesterday was my volleyball inauguration. There were so many people. It was raining so much and everything was getting wet. But there was a boy there. His name was Antonio… He is so cute and my friend got to be on his team. They’re on the blue team and he’s number 8. I’m on the red team and I’m number 8. What a coincidence. He’s 13 and almost all girls are in love with him, including me. I hope he feels the same for me. Happy Valentine’s Day.  Update: He has a girlfriend. She’s older than him.”   Let’s unpack that…. Life advice: you don’t want to date someone who peaked in high school (or middle school for that matter). Have you peaked yet? We talk about how we feel transformed in adulthood and more confident and comfortable. We talk a bit more about Tutti’s pregnancy journey that kind of feels like a peak for so many reasons. I explore the idea that my peak is still coming.   Kat’s Diary // March 13, 1998 “Women are not equal at all to men. We have to put a stop to this. Women and men could have the same exact jobs and men will still get sometimes thousands of dollars more than women just because they’re men. It’s disgusting!! It makes me so angry! When I grow up, I’m going to put a stop to all of this nonsense.”   Let’s unpack that… This is one of many journal entries where injustice had boiled in me. I always thought I was an enneagram 3 but this is making me realize I may have a bit of enneagram 8 in me. I was honestly shocked that I wrote that. I didn’t know I was a feminist when I was little. I wonder who it was who taught me about the pay gap. We talk about how this spark in middle school me has translated to my current work in addressing the hard topics. Tutti shares how her benchmark of who she is as a person is her childhood self, who was friendly, outspoken, and free. If you’re interested in another episode like this, let us know in a review on iTunes or in an email to [email protected].   Resources Listen to Tutti’s first episode of TRC about her unexpected pregnancy journey here. Keep up with Tutti on Instagram at @tuttidelmonte. If you need a boudoir photographer, check out budoirbytutti.com Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc I am such a fan of dainty, feminine, delicate jewelry. I also am a firm believer that the physical is always an invitation to the spiritual. This is why I am so excited to be partnering with NYC-based, female-founded jewelry company Satya. Satya means “truth” in Sanskrit and all of their pieces are designed to bring joy, peace, and hope. To dive into the beautiful world of Satya jewelry, visit www.satyajewelry.com and use promo code RC15 for 15% off your first order.   Did you know that 30 million women are impacted by weakened or thinning hair? If you are among them, know you are not alone and that there’s a solution you can trust. Thousands of women have taken back control of their hair thickness and overall confidence with Nutrafol. Go to Nutrafol.com and enter promo code KAT to save $15 off your first month’s subscription. This is their best offer anywhere! And it is only open to US residents at this time.   This podcast is sponsored by Better Help. I’ve done therapy off and on for years and am such an advocate for therapy. Better Help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist who you can start communicating with in under 48 hours. It’s affordable and accessible with financial aid available. Visit BetterHelp.com/refined for 10% off your first month and join the over 2 million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional. 

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Andi Andrew is the author of She Is Free, Fake or Follower, and her newest book which is coming out October 2021, Friendship–It's Complicated. I am so excited to be talking with her about friendship breakups— something that all of us have been through. There’s tons of guidance and support out there for romantic breakups, but not for friendship breakups (even though they can often feel just as hard!!)   Are friendship breakups harder than romantic breakups? We long for permanence in our lives. We never walk into a friendship with the thought in the back of our minds that we could be ghosted or left. Unmet expectations and needs that we maybe never communicated. Struggling to hold boundaries with friends What if they ghost you? What if you ghost them? Is the friendship over? When do fight for the friendship? When do you let it go? Has the church encouraged you to adopt a savior complex with your non-Christian friends? Is reconciliation always the end goal? If you have a friendship breakup, should your goal always be reconciliation?   “Always reconcile things with God in your own heart.” - Andi Andrew   Sometimes reconciliation means that you just are deciding to be at peace with each other rather than return to the way the friendship was. Is “some friendships are for a season” a cop out? Only you can know your heart— whether you’re just afraid of taking ownership or having hard conversations or if the friendship really is only meant for a season.   What are you meditating on?   “The biggest thing we’re confronting here are our belief systems. And our belief systems are shaped by our wounding and what we believe about those wounds. Because when we’re wounded, usually that’s when a lie comes in.” - Andi Andrew “The meditation of our heart is actually where our belief systems come from. So do we meditate on the lies from the wounds or do we meditate on the truth and the healing?” - Andi Andrew     Resources Want some tips on how to make meaningful friendships as an adult? Check out my video on that topic here. Keep up with Andi at AndiAndrew.com and on Instagram at @andiandrew. Check out her podcast, Coffee with Andi, here! Listen to Andi’s episode of TRC all about dream interpretation here. Buy Andi’s new book: Friendship— It’s Complicated. Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc I am such a fan of dainty, feminine, delicate jewelry. I also am a firm believer that the physical is always an invitation to the spiritual. This is why I am so excited to be partnering with NYC-based, female-founded jewelry company Satya. Satya means “truth” in Sanskrit and all of their pieces are designed to bring joy, peace, and hope. To dive into the beautiful world of Satya jewelry, visit www.satyajewelry.com and use promo code RC15 for 15% off your first order.   Has this ever happened to you… you’re feeling like crap, need to see a doctor, you search and find one that looks good, spend hours trying to book an appointment, only to get there and realize they don’t take your insurance? There’s a solution: download the free Zocdoc app. You can search for local doctors that take your insurance, whether you’re looking for a dentist or psychiatrist. Go to Zocdoc.com/kat and download the Zocdoc app to sign up for free and book a top-rated doctor.   We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

If you follow me on Instagram, you know I do Mentor Mondays where you can ask me anything and I answer on IG stories, but it’s so hard to answer such complex questions in 15-second bursts! So this week, I am tackling some of the questions you sent me on Instagram. I would love to do more of these episodes, so if you want to submit your questions for me to answer in a solo show, email [email protected] with the subject line “Ask Kat.”    Jaclyn: Thoughts on cosmetic surgery? Is it ungodly or me not loving the body God gave me? You may or may not know that I actually got botox! Listen to the episode I did on it here. I want to be the type of woman who embraces grey hair and wrinkles, but I am a human being in process. And to be honest, I want to simply look my age. I am grateful for cosmetic surgery for my friend who lost an eye and had a scarred face. I am grateful for cosmetic surgery for my friend who broke her nose.   “I don’t think most things in and of themselves are ungodly, I think it’s the heart posture with which we approach them.” - Kat Harris   Katie: Guy asked for my IG, then stopped talking to me a few days later. Do I unfollow? This has happened to me SO many times. And for me, I don’t like sharing my IG because it gives them so much personal information about me, whereas I get so little info about them. I share a story of a guy who recently saw my Instagram and his reaction to it was less than great. My advice here is: go ahead and unfollow! You don’t need to be following up with some stranger on the internet who is uninterested in making an actual plan with you.   Abi B.: Preparing for engagement/marriage but both deconstructing. Feels like I should have things figured out before. Deconstruction is TOUGH! I am working through it now, most of it privately. It can make dating complicated, but this scenario is why I am an advocate of looking at the whole person rather than the label of “this person is a Christian.” You never know how ANY person’s faith journey will turn out, whether they are deconstructing right now or not. The key is to find someone who has: grace, humility, a growth mindset, trust, and integrity. Some reflection questions:  What are you afraid of happening? Is this someone you can accept wholeheartedly without an agenda? Is this someone you can move through hard seasons with?   “We just don’t know what God is gonna do, we don’t know when God is gonna do it, and we don’t know what choices we are going to make, what choices they are going to make.” - Kat Harris   Nijha M.: 1 Peter 1:13-25 // How to obey this without falling into legalism? What does it look like in dating? It’s important to consider who this was written for. Context is so important. Calling to live holy? To live mindfully and intentionally. NOTE: *not perfectly* Posture of the heart: Legalism worships the rules over the relationships. Legalism stones the adulter to death, but relationship offers acceptance, love, grace, and dignity. How can I love myself well? My future well? God well? And this person well? Relationship is being willing to dive into conversation and nuance and grey —legalism says it’s all black and white.   Emery: What do you wish we knew about you that social media doesn't show? Life is hard. Being human is hard. I’m private. You get to see about 1% of my life that I choose to let you see. I’m no expert. I’m just trying to figure things out too. Fear of being a fraud.   Abby: Do you fear changing your mind on a topic, especially given your platform as a teacher? :) Yes. 1,000%. Change is constant. This was something I thought about a lot during the launch of my book. What if I change my views on sex and marriage? Am I allowed to be human?   Resources Listen to my podcast episode about botox here. Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc I am such a fan of dainty, feminine, delicate jewelry. I also am a firm believer that the physical is always an invitation to the spiritual. This is why I am so excited to be partnering with NYC-based, female-founded jewelry company Satya. Satya means “truth” in Sanskrit and all of their pieces are designed to bring joy, peace, and hope. To dive into the beautiful world of Satya jewelry, visit www.satyajewelry.com and use promo code RC15 for 15% off your first order.   This podcast is sponsored by Better Help. I’ve done therapy off and on for years and am such an advocate for therapy. Better Help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist who you can start communicating with in under 48 hours. It’s affordable and accessible with financial aid available. Visit BetterHelp.com/refined for 10% off your first month and join the over 2 million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional.    Did you know that an estimated 5 billion plastic hand soap and cleaning bottles are thrown out every year? It’s time to cut the plastic waste without sacrificing clean. Get Blueland’s revolutionary refill cleaning system instead: buy the bottle once and refill it forever with the hand soap or spray cleaner tablets. Get 15% off your first order when you go to Blueland.com/refined. 

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   For most of my life, I’ve felt like I have this sixth sense where I can read people and atmospheres really well. When I became a Christian, I figured this was the spiritual gift of discernment. Over time it started to feel like an anxiety-inducing curse— walking into a room and feeling everyone else’s emotions felt crippling. It made me wonder was this thing I had a gift...or a curse? Was it the Holy Spirit or my trauma? We have repeat guest and trauma Therapist back on the show this week, Kobe Campbell, to unpack this nuanced conversation. Check out my last conversation with Kobe, When is it time to go to therapy?, here.    “Is this blessing that the church has always praised me for actually my trauma?” - Kat Harris   Practice Scanning: Helpful or Hurtful? Practice Scanning—  a natural defensive mechanism that we learn in our childhood when our safety becomes dependent on the changing moods of those who are meant to protect us.   “Before Moses is a leader, he’s a murderer. The same thing that made him a murderer— his fierce orientation to justice— is the same thing that made him the very person God wanted to use to get his people out of Egypt.” - Kobe Campbell   Practice scanning can also help you identify when someone is uncomfortable and in need of help.   “In Love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve.” - Brennan Manning   Exploiting Gifts: What’s the solution? My discernment was embraced by the church, but it was never acknowledged that it was a gift that could have come from a place of pain.   “I wish that women would be given the opportunity to fail as often as men can in the church.” - Kobe Campbell “I have to be willing to be confronted by my own questions.” - Kat Harris “In this process, what do you feel like God is trying to reveal to you?” - Kobe Campbell     Resources Keep up with Kobe Campbell at healingcircletherapy.org or on IG at @kobecampbell_ and @healingcircletherapy. Check out Kobe’s episode of TRC “When Is It Time To Go To Therapy?” here. Check out Kobe’s videos on Patreon where we do a deep dive on mental health and therapy here. Listen to Kobe’s podcast she hosts with her husband Kyle, The Healing Circle Podcast. Listen to this TRC episode about attachment styles with my friend Amanda Blair here. Check out the video by Thais Gibson on fearful avoidance here. Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc   This podcast is sponsored by Better Help. I’ve done therapy off and on for years and am such an advocate for therapy. Better Help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist who you can start communicating with in under 48 hours. It’s affordable and accessible with financial aid available. Visit BetterHelp.com/refined for 10% off your first month and join the over 2 million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional.  This past year, I’ve been trying to perfect some recipes I can have in my back pocket when I have company. In all of these experiences, I realized how important it is to have good cooking tools. I just got a brand new knife set from Made In Cookware and it has been life-changing. Go to MadeInCookware.com/kat and use promo code KAT for 15% off your first order!

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   I recently saw the movie The Eyes of Tammy Faye and quickly went down a rabbit hole of all things surrounding the infamous televangelist Tammy Faye Bakker. I knew I wanted to talk about this (and I did on Patreon, which you can watch here), but I also knew I wanted to explore this topic on the podcast with my buddy Jonathan Merritt. He wrote an incredible article on Tammy Faye for The Atlantic. He is one of America’s most popular writers on issues of faith and culture and is the author of Learning to Speak God from Scratch.    Tammy Faye 101: Who is she + why should we care? Pre-1960s, there wasn’t really any religious TV with entertainment value. Post-1960s, liberalism was on the rise and conservative evangelical Christians didn’t like that so they began to use TV as a way to get their message out. Tammy Faye Bakker and Jim Bakker worked for PTL, Praise The Lord. The downfall: Jim Bakker had an affair with a young church secretary. Then it came out that Jim was bisexual. The ministry also had a lot of shady dealings when it came to money. He served 5 of 45 sentenced years in prison. Tammy Faye eventually divorced him and married a real estate developer. She became one of the most hated figures in mainstream media, but was a gay icon.   “Why is she being punished for the sins of her husband?” - Kat Harris   Where did we go wrong + how do we be better? Women paying for the sins of men is not a new idea and was certainly not unique to Tammy Faye or that era. This trend goes all the way back to Genesis 38 with Tamar. People have been hurt by religion… so they typically outsource that hurt to whoever is in the spotlight. It’s valid, but misapplied. We project feelings like “you should never disappoint me” onto religious people in the spotlight, and once they do disappoint you it feels like betrayal. Tammy Faye died of cancer and the day before she did, she forgave everyone.   “The gay community, and now Hollywood, is doing the job that the church never did.” - Jay Bakker   Resources Keep up with Jonathan Merritt at jonathanmerritt.com, on IG at @jonathan_merritt, Twitter at @JonathanMerritt, or Facebook at @JonathanMerrittWriter. Read Jonathan’s article in The Atlantic: The Redemption of a Televangelist Read Jonathan’s book, Learning to Speak God from Scratch. Check out my Patreon video for more of my thoughts on Tammy Faye here. Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!! “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”  - Philippians 4: 6 (NIV)   If you are a regular listener, you know that I have struggled with anxiety a lot over the years. I even did a whole Mental Health May series this past year (which you can check out here). Well my anxiety has reared its head again this fall. I can sometimes resent how it takes me away from the moment at hand. My invitation to myself + to you is: What if I/you/we could learn to not resent the discomfort but lean in and trust that my body is resilient. Like Glennon Doyle says, “I can do hard things,”  and I can feel uncomfortable things, pain, grief, nervousness, or anxiety and still feel safe and at home in my body. Lessons From My Therapist You may have heard this verse before: Philippians 4: 6 (NIV)   “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God”   In the King James Version, it says “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.” Greek “careful”: to be distracted to the point of separation What my therapist explained to me was that anxiety separates you from yourself—because it removes me from the present and gets me to obsess about the future. Out of body. Besides yourself. The goal is to get back into yourself, back in your body. Like with the addict: the moment to focus on isn’t necessarily the relapse, but the runway that led them there. The 10 steps before that you took that led you down a path towards anxiety. FOR ME: not eating, well, caffeine, alone time, time with Jesus, moving my body—my body is already on high alert b/c some family stuff going on—so things that normally wouldn’t trigger me are activating anxiety—so I need to be extra kind and caring of myself.    Be careful for nothing, BUT “But” is where the answer/help comes in. It’s an invitation to try something else. Try these 4 things:   Prayer: In anxiety we’re separate from ourselves, God, and others. Prayer reconnects you with God and it INTERRUPTS your disconnection to self. Reminds me I’m not alone and it’s not all up to me. This is an ACTIVE way to take your thoughts captive: 2 Cor. 10:15 The invitation of Jesus isn’t to BUCK UP + GET OVER IT: it’s to let go of the back breaking load: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” - Matthew 11:28-30. The invitation of God isn’t to DO more or less of anything. isn’t to just NOT do something—whatever it is: anxiety, lie, gossip—no the invitation is to BE.   “Be still + know that I AM God.” - Psalm 46:10     Supplication: Emergent prayer / emergency prayer. AA 12 steps (very familiar to Phil 4:6) We admitted we were powerless over alcohol— that our lives had become unmanageable. Don’t do ‘x’, BUT PRAY Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore our sanity + SUPPLICATE: GOD HELP ME Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.   Thanksgiving: GK: Thanking god for things in the past + things yet to come Fear focuses on the worst case scenario. Gratitude focuses on the reality that with God anything is possible. Gratitude reorients my heart from focusing on doom to possibility. Gratitude reminds me that God has shown up for me before + God will do it again.  HABAKKUK 3:2   Lord, I have heard of your fame;     I stand in awe of your deeds, Lord. Repeat them in our day,     in our time make them known;     in wrath remember mercy.   In fear, in dread, in anxiety, in hopelessness, remember hope. Remember possibility. Remember what God did in the past and thank him for it THEN ASK HIM TO DO IT AGAIN.   Requests:  Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. Emphasis on requests: a polite demand for something due to you—like when you get a reminder to pay your credit card bill. Like they ask you nicely = remind you when it’s due. But it’s not really a request; it’s a polite demand. You have to pay the bill.  Dear God, HELP. Thank you for helping me in the past + I thank you in advance because I know you’re going to help me again. That’s who you are. Now please give me peace in my body.  Then the verse that follows this 4-step formula is this: “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” “Peace” here in the GREEK: to make one; whole, to be put back together.   BE CAREFUL FOR NOTHING. PRAY. ASK.  THANK. POLITELY DEMAND. PEACE—then you’ll go from separation back to connection—self, god + others.    I don’t know about you, but this feels like really beautiful news to me. When I’m in a moment of fear and disconnection: pause. Invite god into the moment. Ask for help. Thank for the past and future. Politely demand! PEACE. Peace is your portion. Peace is your legacy. Even right now, I speak peace over your body, mind, soul, spirit. Resources Listen to Mental Health May ep. 1: When Is It Time to Go to Therapy? with Kobe Campbell Listen to Mental Health May ep. 2: Identifying Anxiety Triggers with Kat Harris Listen to Mental Health May ep. 3: The Science of Anxiety + How to Stabilize Once You're Triggered with Kat Harris Listen to Mental Health May ep. 4: Are You Really OK? A Mental Health Check Up with Debra Fileta Listen to Mental Health May ep. 5: Learning to Listen: A Guided Meditation with Kat Harris Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Is it true that ‘once a cheater, always a cheater?’ How does our faith collide with infidelity? Is cheating an unforgivable sin?   I am doing a 3-part podcast series with Manwell Reyes called He Said/She Said where we dive into some deep topics and approach them from our different perspectives. In the first episode, we talked about double standards (you can listen to that here), and in the second episode, we tackled “Can you really have it all in a relationship?” (You can listen to that here.) This week, we’re talking about cheating.   “Whether we like it or not, philandering is here to stay. And all the ink spilled advising us on how to “affair-proof” our relationships has not managed to curb the number of men and women who wander. Infidelity happens in good marriages, in bad marriages, and even when adultery is punishable by death. It happens in open relationships where extramarital sex is carefully negotiated before-hand. And the freedom to leave or divorce has not made cheating obsolete.” - Esther Perel, State of Affairs   The Poll Results Have you ever cheated? 90% said no Have you been cheated on? 61% said no Would you break up with someone immediately if you were cheated on? 67% said yes Do you think cheating is an unforgivable sin? 47% said yes   How Do You Define Cheating? Manwell defines cheating as going outside of a committed context without permission. If you’re married and agree to try something out, that’s different. In his definition, it doesn’t just have to be sexual intimacy that qualifies. Anything outside of the boundaries you have set for the relationship done in secrecy counts as cheating.   “Once one person is in the dark, then it becomes cheating.” - Manwell Reyes   Esther Perel defines cheating as a cocktail of secrecy, sexual alchemy/deceit, and emotional involvement. (It might not always be all three of these things at once, but a cocktail of the three.)   “The beautiful thing is to see something that you want and say no because you care about something else more.” - Manwell Reyes   Is Cheating Unforgivable? Manwell says no. After being married for years, he recognizes that if he wasn’t giving his wife the love and attention she needed, he wouldn’t be surprised if she sought it elsewhere. “What part do I play in this?” - Manwell Reyes I say no also. I share some personal stories on the podcast where I have had some close calls as ‘the other woman.’   “You don’t know you’re in the moment until you realize you’re in the moment and you’re like ‘oh crap, get me out of here.’” -Kat Harris   Resources Listen to the first part in this series about double standards here. Listen to the second part in this series about Netflix’s Sex/Life and relationship expectations here. Hear more of my thoughts on cheating here. Buy Esther Perel’s book State of Affairs here. Check out Manwell’s podcast, Nights at the Round Table. Listen to the Nights at the Round Table hosts on TRC talking about deconstruction and waiting for marriage to have sex. Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc   Did you know that an estimated 5 billion plastic hand soap and cleaning bottles are thrown out every year? It’s time to cut the plastic waste without sacrificing clean. Get Blueland’s revolutionary refill cleaning system instead: buy the bottle once and refill it forever with the hand soap or spray cleaner tablets. Get 15% off your first order when you go to Blueland.com/refined. 

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   I am doing a 3-part podcast series with Manwell Reyes called He Said/She Said where we dive into some deep topics and approach them from our different perspectives. Last week we spoke about double standards (you can listen to that here). This week, we’re talking about the Netflix show Sex/Life, tackling questions like can you have it all? And does size matter? Warning: There will be spoilers ahead and of course discussions that you may want to save for when you have headphones available to you.   Let’s Talk About Sex (Drive) The woman in the show says everything in her life is 85% perfect and the 15% that’s missing is the exciting sex life she had in a previous relationship when she was younger and living in NYC. She is now married to a man she loves and has beautiful children, but she keeps thinking about that 15%.   “You give up a lot on the way to success.” - Manwell Reyes “Responsibility is the number one killer of libido.” - Kat Harris   We’re constantly taught that men are always thinking about sex, but in reality everybody has a different sex drive. Manwell opens up about his own experience with dropping testosterone and sex drive.   We talk about: Does Size Matter + Can You Have It All?   “I wonder if we’ve bought into this lie of wanting the 100% 100% of the time. I basically want a person who is the merging of 10 different people.” - Kat Harris   The standards we’ve set are too high for any one person to meet.   “You’re not 100% of everything they want.” - Manwell Reyes   We talk about the idea of having multiple partners.   “To this day, even though we overdo it with the romanticism, it all comes down to a contract of ‘What am I willing to be okay with because we both know we’re imperfect people. Is what you bring to the table worth it for me to give up on the things I want or say that I want?’” - Manwell Reyes     Resources Listen to the first part in this series about double standards here. Hear more of my thoughts on Sex/Life here. Check out Manwell’s podcast, Nights at the Round Table. Listen to the Nights at the Round Table hosts on TRC talking about deconstruction and waiting for marriage to have sex. Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Manwell Reyes is no stranger to The Refined Collective. He was on the podcast earlier this year (along with the other hosts of the Nights at the Round Table Podcast) and we talked about deconstruction and waiting for marriage to have sex. I am so happy to have him back for a 3-part series this fall. Our first conversation is all about double standards. We got pretty heated in this episode and I externally processed a lot of stuff in this episode and it feels really vulnerable to share!   What can girls get away with that guys can’t? Women can have physical touch with each other in a way that most men can’t. Manwell and I talk about our different experiences with nudity in the locker rooms at our respective gyms. Manwell shares how straight men have an internalized fear of being seen as gay because of stigmas in society. “In the grand scheme of things, showing each other affection… I don’t think that’s bad or wrong. It’s just the way we were raised: men don’t do that.” - Manwell Reyes Girls can be in touch with their emotions without facing judgement. I open up about my own double standard in this area. Manwell shares how he feels masculine despite being in touch with his feelings, sewing, baking, cooking, and liking shopping.  Finances: not paying for dates and expecting men to be the financial providers.   “I don’t know if it’s a right or wrong thing, I think it’s just more so right or wrong for who is in the relationship.” - Manwell Reyes “Assumption is the beginning of all breakdowns.” - Kat Harris “Women are allowed to be master manipulators and it’s not questioned.” - Kat Harris     What can guys get away with that girls can’t? Men are allowed to not care about how they dress. Men can date someone out of an expected age range with no judgement. Men are allowed to age and women aren’t. (Actresses have to look young forever and actors get to age and keep the same roles.)   Obviously there’s way more that man can get away with than women, but we ran out of time!   Next week, Manwell and I will be talking about the Netflix original show “Sex Life” and the idea of… can you have it all? Make sure you’re subscribed so the episode downloads straight to your phone when it’s released!   Resources Check out Manwell’s podcast, Nights at the Round Table. Listen to the Nights at the Round Table hosts on TRC talking about deconstruction and waiting for marriage to have sex. Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc   Thank you SO much to the Patreon community for supporting this podcast and being on the journey with me. A special shoutout to our newest supporters Jason, Sorge, Rachel, Cassidy, Jeanna, Brenda, Danica, Lexi, Jennifer, Amanda, Jordan, Kaitlyn, Colleen, Rachel, Stephanie, Diana, Grace, Kelsey, Lily, Kasey, Graham, Brittany, Abi, Adam, Joshua, Eric, Kara, Suzanna, Tesa, Anna, Grace, Melanie, James, Amanda, and Kelly. If you want to join the growing Patreon community (and get access to exclusive content too) go to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective. Did you know that an estimated 5 billion plastic hand soap and cleaning bottles are thrown out every year? It’s time to cut the plastic waste without sacrificing clean. Get Blueland’s revolutionary refill cleaning system instead: buy the bottle once and refill it forever with the hand soap or spray cleaner tablets. Get 15% off your first order when you go to Blueland.com/refined.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Welcome back to The Refined Collective Podcast! You may have noticed that we’ve got a new look and sound. I’m so excited to share my new vision for the podcast with you as we continue on this journey together. If there’s an elephant in the room, I’m gonna talk about it. Are you ready to ask the hard questions with me?   I am so excited to be starting off this new season of the podcast with Dr. Celeste Holbrook. She has been a guest several times (her episode is one of the most downloaded ever!) and this time we’re diving into sex ed. Something I’ve realized recently is that a lot of us, myself included, didn’t get the comprehensive sex ed we should have in school. So let’s fix that together!   Let’s Talk About It There’s this idea in Christian culture that if we talk about sex or consent or how to put on a condom… that everyone will start having sex.   “The more information a person has about sex and sexuality, the more likely they are to make healthy decisions about sex.” - Dr. Celeste Holbrook     Where Is The G Spot? Do all women have one? The backside of the clitoris (the clitoris is larger than you think!) If you were to put a finger inside, you’d feel it about an inch up on the front side of your vaginal canal. Everyone has a G Spot, but not everyone likes it being stimulated.   What Is Squirting? It’s not pee, but it does have small amounts of urine in it. It’s actually mostly interstitial fluid, which is held in the G Spot.   What’s The Difference Between STIs and STDs? STI: Sexually Transmitted Infection // STD: Sexually Transmitted Disease For the most part, doctors use the term STI because conditions that are sexually transmitted do not always develop into STDs (and it carries less stigma). Dr. Celeste and I chat about how to talk to the person you’re dating about any STIs you may have.   To lube or not to lube? When you get wet, that is your body creating a sort of natural lubricant to make the rubbing and friction of skin glide more smoothly. Lube assists in making sex more comfortable and pleasurable. There are many reasons why you may not get wet even though you are aroused— it’s always best to have lube around because you’ll never know when you need the extra help.   What Type Of Lube Should You Use?? Silicone: Cannot be absorbed and act as a pillow in your vaginal canal. (For this reason it is also a bit messy.) Best for vaginal pain during sex. Do not use this when using a silicone toy.  Water-based: Will feel the most like your natural lubricant and will be absorbed into your skin so you may have to reapply. More viscous than slippery. Hybrid (water and silicone): Has a more natural feel while still feeling very slick. NEVER use a lubricant that has any sort of sugar as it will mess with your natural pH. Always read the ingredients. Need some lube suggestions: Uberlube + Jo.   Should You Go To The OBGYN? Even if you’re not sexually active? From Hopkins Medicine: Women should start Pap smear screening at age 21. Between the ages of 21-29, women whose Pap smears are normal only need it repeated every three years. Women ages 30 and over should have testing for the human papillomavirus (HPV) with their Pap smear.   Are Blue Balls A Thing?   “The term ‘blue balls’ in and of itself is coercive.” -Dr. Celeste Holbrook   It’s uncomfortable, sure. But not serious or dire.  This term should never be used to coerce someone into having sex. Masturbation is always a solution. Also did you know women experience blue vulva?   Does Sex Get Better With Time And Practice? Or are some people just incompatible?   “The biggest lie we are told is that sex is natural. Sex is biological. We are built for pleasure. We are built for reproduction. Sex is not natural— it is a skill we need to learn.” - Dr. Celeste Holbrook   As you practice sex and communication more, it can absolutely get better. Work with your partner to explore how to make it feel better for both of you.   “We are not modeled normative sexual behavior. All sexual behavior we see is performed sexual behavior, either in porn or in media.” - Dr. Celeste Holbrook     Interested in learning more? Starting on September 23rd, Dr. Celeste and I will be hosting a 3-part Sex Ed 101 Workshop series answering all of the questions you have. We’ll be talking about anatomy, consent, and what to expect your first time. You can sign up for just one workshop or all three. Sign up here!   Resources Sign up for the Sex Ed Workshop I’m hosting with Dr. Celeste here. Listen to Dr. Celeste’s episode of TRC all about painful sex and shame narrative. Keep up with Dr. Celeste on IG at @drcelesteholbrook and check out her site. Check out Rockefeller Center on IG at @rockefellercenter and Twitter at @rockcenternyc We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.   If you’re a creative, you know the drill. You’re finally done editing. It’s perfect. Now you just need to format...and re-format...for every single platform. With Issuu, make it once, and it’s ready to post everywhere. Issuu is the all-in-one platform to create and distribute beautiful digital publications, from brochures to magazines to sales collateral and more. Get started with Issuu today for FREE or if you sign up for a premium account you will get 50% off when you go to ISSUU.com/podcast and use promo code KAT.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #10. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!   I thought it’d be cool to end this series with a conversation that meant SO much to me personally. Like if no one else ever heard this call between Mia Fieldes + I -- it wouldn’t really matter, because our chat deeply impacted me.   As a single person who is now 36 years old and has been actively waiting for a very long time to meet my person— there’s times I grow weary. There's times I want to let go of hope and just say forget it. I’m tired of hoping and not getting what I want. I’m tired of the wait. I’m tired of the refining.   Mia Fieldes reminded me that first of all it’s ok to admit that being single is freakin’ hard + also how beautifully possible it is to stay connected to hope. If you are feeling tired and weary of hoping...this episode is for you.   Staying Connected to Hope in Singleness   "How do you believe God for something that is fully dependent on somebody else's free will?"   There’s an invitation to follow peace so when you are in a storm peace becomes your anchor.   "Everyone told me marriage would be hard… and I thought 'yeah but being single is hard.'" "When you get to a certain age, people put limitations on you that God never does."   She notices that everyone seems to be fighting for a piece of the pie, but everyone gets their own whole pie. She got her own promise from God.   Keeping Perspective If we spend our energy complaining, we will get no closer to where we want to be. We will receive that negative energy back.   "You create your world with your words."   Mia recalls the journey she went on with God guiding her toward a positive mindset and eventually her husband. "God plucked my husband seemingly out of nowhere."   "If you have to convince someone into something, then believe me someone will convince them out of it."   It's easy to worry about the things you'll have to compromise on, but when the right person comes along, you'll realize there is no real compromise to be made.   "It's so important to go to God for yourself and get your own promise. Otherwise you will filter what God is doing with you through everyone else's story." "I don't want the plagiarized version of somebody else's story."   Mia says that her husband, Joren, has been healing for her.   "God is writing a way bigger story than you can think about."     Top Three Things To Look For In Your Person Growth mindset. Conflict savvy. Communication!   "When you get to a certain age, people put limitations on you that God never does."   What limitations are you putting on yourself, on your circumstances, on God...that God never put on you? What if despite the evidence, you chose to hope? What would your life look like if you truly believed that God was using all things for your good? What if God was conspiring every moment in your life FOR YOU, not against you?   How would your life look? Would it feel any different? Would you be acting / being / hoping differently?   I want you to sit with that.   Resources Keep up with Mia Fieldes on Instagram at @miafieldes.  Listen to Mia’s episode of the C3 NYC podcast here.   I have become very invested in taking care of my skin— I just wish I had started earlier! Swedish skincare company Foreo strives to turn daily routines into vibrant rituals and celebrate aging gracefully. They bundled their most popular products into a bundle that is sold exclusively on Amazon. Go to Amazon.com and use coupon code REFINEDC50 to grab the set for $199 (it is valued at over $300!) If you’re a creative, you know the drill. You’re finally done editing. It’s perfect. Now you just need to format...and re-format...for every single platform. With Issuu, make it once, and it’s ready to post everywhere. Issuu is the all-in-one platform to create and distribute beautiful digital publications, from brochures to magazines to sales collateral and more. Get started with Issuu today for FREE or if you sign up for a premium account you will get 50% off when you go to ISSUU.com/podcast and use promo code KAT.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #9. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!   For today’s second to last TRC Remix episode we have love coach Shaun Galanos. I freakin’ LOVE this guy. He’s a straight shooter and to the point...which honestly is what we need sometimes in dating. For this episode, we collected some of your top dating questions and answered them for you! We cover everything from cheating to ghosting to finances to ‘how do you know if they’re the one?’ to what to do if you hate online dating.  “Why do men ghost? Especially if the man asked for my number and texted me.” They don’t care They don’t want to have an uncomfortable conversation with you That’s all they know how to do They want to ghost you before you ghost them They want to hurt you/make you sad They don’t want to hurt your feelings They feel guilty   “How do I manage finances in relationships when we have different standards of spending habits?” Values around money and debt are important— you should share those values. The money conversation can be a turnoff or red flag for someone if you bring it up early on.   “How do you know if it’s the right person, just the wrong time?” If what you’re really asking is: “Am I making the right choice? Is there better?” Stop overthinking! “I’ve been rejected, but should I just wait for them?” Move on! “If someone says no, take it as a no, believe them, and let the universe sort it out on the back end.”   “Can I build a relationship with someone I used to cheat with?” You can do anything you want in life, but ask yourself “Is this good for me?” There are so many ways to view a situation like this, some are fantasies and some are more riddled with problems. If it’s something you really want to pursue, go to counseling with that person to work on how you can make this relationship better.   “Be honest, have you ever decided not to date a girl because of her ethnicity?” Neither of us have not dated someone because of their ethnicity. I share what I’ve noticed of my own behavior on dating apps when it comes to race and how I’ve been reflecting on that and learning what has influenced that behavior.   “How can I make the first move without being too forward/intimidating as a woman?”   “Just do it. Stop sitting on the sidelines hoping that he notices you and just do it.”   It’s time to move on from the whole “men are hunters and women are prey” analogy, because guess what? Hunters don’t woo their prey! Ask yourself what’s holding you back— are you afraid of asking because you’re afraid of the answer?   “How do you date in 2020 when you really hate internet dating?” Ask yourself: what did people do before online dating became a thing? Don’t look down on the idea of being set-up! Get used to saying hi to strangers.   “How can I get context when it’s basically over text due to distance?” So I guess we’ve all just forgotten about phone calls, huh? Pick up the phone! You can get so much more context in a conversation when you hear their voice. I know a lot of us feel safer over text, but it’s so incomplete. Always make sure the big conversations are done over the phone or in person.   “I like masturbation, but I’m worried I’m not going to like sex when I get married.” Focus on masturbation now and worry about sex later. If you understand your own pleasure, you are setting yourself up for some really positive experiences with your partner.   “Start talking about sex…so that it becomes a natural part of your relationship.”   The book Slow Sex by Diana Richardson explores the idea that you should focus on your own pleasure and ask for what you want. ***None of this is possible without communication!****   “You will get more information when you ask for the thing that you want.”    One of my big takeaways from Shaun is that we have the permission to communicate exactly what we want, need, and desire from day one in any relationship or interaction.    If you’re unclear where you stand, have a conversation. If you want to ask someone out, just ask them out. If you want clarity, ask for it.   I love how Shaun put it in our convo: “You will get more information when you ask for the thing that you want.”    It may sound scary, but it’s actually so incredibly FREEING.   Resources Keep up with Shaun on IG at @thelovedrive and on TikTok at @thelovedrive. Check out his course on healthy communication at thelovedrive.com. Shaun’s Love Drive videos on YouTube. IG post about why men ghost. An article Shaun wrote about ghosting. An IGTV Shaun did all about ghosting. Read Slow Sex by Diana Richardson Want to dive into a deeper conversation about masturbation? Listen to the Masturbation Series on The Refined Collective. Want to dive into a deeper conversation about sex? Check out Dr. Celeste Holbrook on The Refined Collective. I have become very invested in taking care of my skin— I just wish I had started earlier! Swedish skincare company Foreo strives to turn daily routines into vibrant rituals and celebrate aging gracefully. They bundled their most popular products into a bundle that is sold exclusively on Amazon. Go to Amazon.com and use coupon code REFINEDC50 to grab the set for $199 (it is valued at over $300!) If you’re a creative, you know the drill. You’re finally done editing. It’s perfect. Now you just need to format...and re-format...for every single platform. With Issuu, make it once, and it’s ready to post everywhere. Issuu is the all-in-one platform to create and distribute beautiful digital publications, from brochures to magazines to sales collateral and more. Get started with Issuu today for FREE or if you sign up for a premium account you will get 50% off when you go to ISSUU.com/podcast and use promo code KAT. Finding a bra that fits, is comfortable, and cute or sexy… it feels impossible. I recently had an enjoyable bra shopping experience with the female-founded and led company Natori. They have everything from size A to G. Go to Natori.com and apply the code REFINED at checkout for 15% off at checkout. Be sure to use the hashtag #MyNatori on social media.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #8. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!   Today’s TRC Remix Episode is all about Dating 101: everything from dealbreakers to online dating profile no-nos to finding someone who’s our “type”  + the #1 myth keeping you stuck! I have this conversation with my good friend + singleness + dating expert: Stephanie May Wilson.   DATING 101: Types + Deal Breakers Online dating profiles vs. Meeting IRL. We may have a type, but we have to stop making our searches so narrow—the perfect man may not be who you pictured him to be.   DATING 101: It's A Curb, Not A Cliff Real talk: we need to be as intentional about dating as we are with our career or fitness. We chat about the pressure to have meet cutes and the number one frustration women come to her looking for answers to.   "You deserve someone who wants to be with you."   What do you do with all this hope and confusion? Live this season of your life to the fullest. Show up!   DATING MYTH: There Are No Good Guys.   "There are better things we can do with that focus that actually get us to where we want to be."   Find ways to put yourself out there more. Just get involved in your community. Disappointment is part of the dating process. It's getting you ready for marriage, which is signing up to be disappointed by the same person for your whole life.   Feeling discouraged? God hasn't forgotten you. It isn't too late. You are not less than others because you are single. You are not unlovable. You don't have to figure this out alone.    The biggest thing that stood out to me in this episode is when Stephanie said: the #1 thing we should look for in a person is that they are also interested in us! Receiving this and understanding this would have transformed my 20s and early 30s. I can’t tell you how in love I would be with a guy friend and how I just let myself stay in the friend zone forgetting to remember that ‘Oh my gosh I GET TO BE WITH A GUY WHO WANTS ME BACK.’ I would’ve saved myself so much heartache!   What about you? What stood out to you about today’s episode! Share a quote or thought on IG stories + tag @therefinedcollective. I’d love to hear what came up for you! Resources: Keep up with Stephanie at StephanieMayWilson.com and on IG at @smaywilson Listen to Stephanie’s podcast Girls Night (listen to my episode here;)) Grab Every Single Moment for 15% off with code KAT Grab The Between Places for 15% off with code REFINED Watch my Patreon video: Are Your Standards Too High? I have become very invested in taking care of my skin— I just wish I had started earlier! Swedish skincare company Foreo strives to turn daily routines into vibrant rituals and celebrate aging gracefully. They bundled their most popular products into a bundle that is sold exclusively on Amazon. Go to Amazon.com and use coupon code REFINEDC50 to grab the set for $199 (it is valued at over $300!)   We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test. Finding a bra that fits, is comfortable, and cute or sexy… it feels impossible. I recently had an enjoyable bra shopping experience with the female-founded and led company Natori. They have everything from size A to G. Go to Natori.com and apply the code REFINED at checkout for 15% off at checkout. Be sure to use the hashtag #MyNatori on social media.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #7. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!   Today’s TRC Remix episode is a solo show. I’m talking about sex in dating— specifically when and how to bring up your physical boundaries in dating and why it’s important to have these honest and open conversations early on in dating. I share why I used to be afraid and ashamed to talk about my choice to abstain from sex and how I clearly communicate my boundaries from the get-go today shame free.   Disclaimer: In this episode, I am talking about specific people from the Bachelor franchise and I want you to know I have zero judgement for anyone that I mention— I just use these specific situations on the show in order to illustrate what I’m talking about!    Why I was afraid to tell guys I wasn't having sex until marriage: Fear of rejection Assumption. Shut down to my sexuality. I didn’t know my why.   3 things to think about before you have 'the talk'   Know your why   Your decision has to be internally motivated QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF: What does sex mean to me? How do you define sex? Why do you define it that way? What is god's heart for intimacy + sex? What is your heart for intimacy + sex? Why or why not is this a value for me?   Assume nothing   Just because they share your faith does not mean you have the same physical boundaries. No kissing until marriage to everything but penetration—including anal—to some people who love Jesus and choose to have pre-marital sex.    Zero shame   Rejection is protection!! It may make my dating pool smaller, but it makes it stronger.    WHEN: By date 3…although NYC dating culture moves quickly…so it's not odd if I bring it up on the 1st date.    3 Reasons to Have the Sex Talk Early on Set yourself up for success If you're not having sex before marriage — this may help set-up physical boundaries in dating.What didn't work for me…getting naked on the first date.  Be kind If I'm getting what I want—but if he thinks this is leading elsewhere it's in a sense being dishonest.  Create a culture of honesty + communication aka: CONSENT IS SEXY!   The only way a relationship can last + build trust is through communication. As a couple you get to decide what boundaries will work for you—It's an ongoing conversation. A boundary might have worked in the past, but things may shift. I HAVE AN EASY OUT: I talk about this stuff professionally. However, the more I've shared, the easier it's become. It's a non-issue for me. Here is what I say: "Hey, I just want to be upfront. I don't have sex until marriage + that's not like a cute thing I say…I really mean it. So I just wanted to throw that out there + see where you're at + what you think!"   Resources: 30 minute free call with Christian Sexologist Dr. Celeste Holbrook The Bible: Flee from Sexual Immorality TRC Episode 007: Kat’s ‘Why’ Kat’s conversation on God is Grey Read Sexless in the City TRC Episode 155: What Does the Bible Really Say About Sex? Hear more about my current dating life and what it’s like to date as a person with a public platform over on Patreon. I have become very invested in taking care of my skin— I just wish I had started earlier! Swedish skincare company Foreo strives to turn daily routines into vibrant rituals and celebrate aging gracefully. They bundled their most popular products into a bundle that is sold exclusively on Amazon. Go to Amazon.com and use coupon code REFINEDC50 to grab the set for $199 (it is valued at over $300!)   Finding a bra that fits, is comfortable, and cute or sexy… it feels impossible. I recently had an enjoyable bra shopping experience with the female-founded and led company Natori. They have everything from size A to G. Go to Natori.com and apply the code REFINED at checkout for 15% off at checkout. Be sure to use the hashtag #MyNatori on social media. I’m an avid reader and always have at least 3 books going at once. Anyone else love getting lost in a good fiction book? I just got a new book I’m super excited about called The Lost and Found Bookshop by Susan Wiggs. This NYT Bestseller now in paperback is the perfect feel-good summer read for a beach read or your book club. Grab your copy anywhere books are sold or find more at SusanWiggs.com.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #6. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!   Are you single? In need of a dating breakthrough? Does it feel like there are no good single ones left? Does it feel easy to see lack all around you?   But what if...you are the common denominator in all your dating or lack thereof experiences? What if you could actually be the one who’s blocking yourself from love? Certified Relationship Coach Jillian Turecki offers some profound insight on just this. Get ready from some hard + also super practical truths.   “Our entire experience of life boils down to relationships. From the intimacy we crave with a partner to the success we achieve through our work. None of it is possible without understanding our own psychology and the psychology of those we relate to. We never learned this at school, but it is learnable.” - Jillian Turecki   What does it mean to be blocked from love? Your psychology determines your energy and how you show up in your life.   “Just because you really want something, doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s coming to you as quickly as you would like it to come.”    When we’re in a desperate place we’re blocking ourselves.   5 ways to identify if you’re blocking yourself from love: Fear. Hopeless. Anxiety Despair Obsession   How our beliefs impact our ability to attract love:   “Whatever we believe, we’ll see evidence of it everywhere.”   You have the ability to challenge your beliefs:  Is this really true?  Is it possible you could be wrong? We don’t do anything that doesn’t have a side benefit.  Ask yourself these 2 questions:  What’s the reward you’re getting for these beliefs?  Why are you trying to keep yourself safe + protected?   A Roadmap to Clear the Way for Love: 6 Practical things you can do today. Identify the beliefs that are holding you back. Break free from the addiction of surrounding yourself with people with the same limiting beliefs. Talk to people who don’t share those beliefs about love and are able to offer you a different perspective. Identify the experiences in your life that have led you here. Ask yourself: Is your perspective freeing you or choking you? Self-worth: When we obsess over love, it’s because deep down we doubt we’re worthy of it. Enough-ness: Where are your fears of not being enough getting in your way?   #1 thing you can do to unblock love: Learn how to be secure in your worth and make yourself happy as opposed to waiting for someone to make you happy: Marriage is not the be all end all. Mixed Messages: if someone is uncertain about you—there have to be boundaries.   “If a guy likes you, you’ll know. If he doesn’t, you’ll be confused.”     How buying into the myth of the ‘independent woman’ could be keeping you from love: Are you independent, codependent, or interdependent? Codependence: I can’t be happy unless you’re happy. I don’t know what my needs are. I can’t focus on my life because I’m only focusing on yours. Independence: I don’t need anyone. If I’m vulnerable I’m weak. Interdependence: I love you, but I don’t need you to make me happy.   Healing is possible! Remember you have the permission to rewrite your story at any moment!   Resources: Check out Jillian’s website here, where you can join her Conscious Woman Membership. Follow Jillian on Instagram at @jillianturecki Have any questions for Jillian? Reach out to her here! Or email her at [email protected].   I’m an avid reader and always have at least 3 books going at once. Anyone else love getting lost in a good fiction book? I just got a new book I’m super excited about called The Lost and Found Bookshop by Susan Wiggs. This NYT Bestseller now in paperback is the perfect feel-good summer read for a beach read or your book club. Grab your copy anywhere books are sold or find more at SusanWiggs.com.   I have become very invested in taking care of my skin— I just wish I had started earlier! Swedish skincare company Foreo strives to turn daily routines into vibrant rituals and celebrate aging gracefully. They bundled their most popular products into a bundle that is sold exclusively on Amazon. Go to Amazon.com and use coupon code REFINEDC50 to grab the set for $199 (it is valued at over $300!)   Finding a bra that fits, is comfortable, and cute or sexy… it feels impossible. I recently had an enjoyable bra shopping experience with the female-founded and led company Natori. They have everything from size A to G. Go to Natori.com and apply the code REFINED at checkout for 15% off at checkout. Be sure to use the hashtag #MyNatori on social media.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #5. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!   Today’s TRC Remix episode is with Theologian and powerhouse Phylicia Masonheimer. In this conversation she candidly shares how her husband wasn’t her ‘type’ when they met. We move through the question: as a woman should we be looking for a ‘spiritual leader’ and what does that even mean when we say that? And finally she shares the top 3 things to look for in a partner. The Way They Met Phylicia shares how she didn’t see her husband as her type when she met him, but he loved her so well and he loved God--so she decided to give it a shot to see if feelings could develop.   Do I need to be led spiritually by someone else? Do we need to be at the same place on our spiritual journey with the person we date and marry?  The church taught us that we need to be led by men who act as our spiritual leaders, but ‘spiritual leader’ isn’t mentioned anywhere in the Bible. Phylicia shares the difference between complementarian views and the egalitarian views within Christianity.    “We’re after the leader heart… not just somebody who has collected a lot of Bible knowledge.”      Questions to Ask the Guy You’re Getting to Know Does he desire God? Does he desire to know God? Does he desire to go deeper? Is he dependent on his friends or parents to be spiritual? What are his sexual boundaries and standards?    3 Things to Look For in a Partner Loves God Works hard Humility “If he has those three things, then he can grow, he can change, he can develop + adapt. But it’s really hard to be tied to an unbeliever, a lazy man, or a stubborn man.”    Why you should date someone that share your faith / worldview? Phylicia recalls the time she was dating someone who didn’t share her faith. She was unsure if she should move forward, so she asked God for a sign. She received three.   “You’ve known the truth all along.”   2 Corinthians 6:14 — “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.”…with fundamentally different worldviews you’re pulling in different directions—you want to be with someone who is moving forward with you. Since this episode went live, I do a deeper dive on the question: should I date / marry a Christian HERE. Resources You can buy her book, Stop Calling Me Beautiful, here. Keep up with her at PhyliciaMasonheimer.com or on Instagram at @phyliciamasonheimer. I’m an avid reader and always have at least 3 books going at once. Anyone else love getting lost in a good fiction book? I just got a new book I’m super excited about called The Lost and Found Bookshop by Susan Wiggs. This NYT Bestseller now in paperback is the perfect feel-good summer read for a beach read or your book club. Grab your copy anywhere books are sold or find more at SusanWiggs.com.   We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.   Finding a bra that fits, is comfortable, and cute or sexy… it feels impossible. I recently had an enjoyable bra shopping experience with the female-founded and led company Natori. They have everything from size A to G. Go to Natori.com and apply the code REFINED at checkout for 15% off at checkout. Be sure to use the hashtag #MyNatori on social media.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #4. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!   Today’s TRC Remix episode is with Christian Sexologist Dr. Celeste Holbrook. In this conversation we unpack her experience growing up in purity culture, and her painfully awkward experience of having sex for the first time on her wedding day. Dr. Celeste offers insight and challenging questions like: How do we define sex? Why do we define it that way? What is sexuality? How is it different from sensuality? Dr. Celeste is raw, honest, and incredibly helpful in navigating a healthy, shame-free conversation around sex, desire, and pleasure...so here we go!   The Moment They Were Waiting For When she first had sex, it was extremely painful and not enjoyable for her.   "I thought I was going to be rewarded with great sex."   This disconnect between Celeste and her husband began to erode their relationship.   "I felt a lot of shame for not living up to what I thought I should be sexually."   She realized she never had good sex education. She decided to embark on a journey to unlearn shame, and to learn her body in a fresh way.   Deconstructing Sex And Shame   "I went through that process so that I could enter into a sexual space and feel worthy of pleasure and sex that felt good."   After experiencing breakthrough and pain-free sex, she made it her mission to help others in similar circumstances and pivoted from studying behavior to sexual behavior.   "Although it's a natural biological thing, it doesn't come naturally. You have to learn how to do it just like riding a bike."   Madonna Whore Complex: "You're shamed if you have too much sex and you're shamed if you have no sex. There's this pendulum that we can't seem to step out of."   What Is Sexuality? Sexuality is way more than just sex, desire, or physical intimacy.    "Sexuality is far more than that bottom layer of what it looks like biologically."     What Is Sex? A lot of single Christian women are wondering about physical boundaries in sex. 75% of women don't climax from vaginal sex—they climax from clitoral stimulation. Freud told women that to have an orgasm through clitoral stimulation is to be infantile. In 1998, neurologist Helen Connoll put the clitoris into the journal of sexual medicine.   "Limiting the term 'sex' to 'penis' and 'vagina' is marginalizing and produces shame."   Pleasure gets confused with hedonism, but pleasure is acknowledged in Matthew 6:26.   "We can't have a conversation about pleasure and spirituality without having a conversation about sensuality."     What is Sensuality?   "When we think about us as sensual beings, we are literally experiencing the creation and the creator through all five of our senses."   Sensuality can be as simple as being in the moment. We can't experience our senses in the past or future… only the present. What does celibacy mean to you when sensuality and sexuality are closely related? You can embrace sensuality in these smaller ways before we have sex.   Books To Read: Sexless in the City by Kat Harris Sex God by Rob Bell Good Christian Sex by Bromleigh McCleneghan Shameless by Nadia Bolz-Weber Come As You Are by Dr. Emily Nagoski If any parts of this conversation have felt triggering for you, just know that whatever you're feeling is valid. There is no judgement. Validate your feelings and then question why those feelings are coming up for you. "Our God is one that encourages curious questions and sincere questioning." Celeste has so many resources for you, including...  Resources: 20 sex-enhancing questions for free on her website. She also offers free 30-minute discovery calls. If you have questions about anything we talked about today, go to her website and click on "30 Minute Discovery Call."  She also has courses for one on one consulting if that feels right for you. Keep up with Dr. Celeste on Instagram at @drcelesteholbrook.    Ladies, does it ever feel like your shorts were just not made for you? Title Nine is performance outdoor gear made by women for women that you can wear working out, hiking, or just running errands. It is built to perform and made to last. Go to TitleNine.com/refined for $10 off and free shipping on your order over $100!   This past year, I’ve been trying to perfect some recipes I can have in my back pocket when I have company. In all of these experiences, I realized how important it is to have good cooking tools. I just got a brand new knife set from MadeIn Cookware and it has been life-changing. Go to MadeInCookware.com/kat and use promo code KAT for 15% off your first order!

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Welcome to the TRC Remix Series #3. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!   I am so excited to be chatting with my soul sister Kate Eskuri today! This episode we're talking all about PERIODS. Ladies (and gentleman), you're going to learn so much more about your period than you ever did in health class. Kate is a registered nurse, holistic health junkie, and the voice behind The Foundation Blog. Since recording this episode, she is officially a DNP aka a Doctor of Nursing Practice. She is passionate about helping women maximize their health with simple and foundational health practices. Our hope is that this conversation will empower you to do research and make informed decisions for that time of the month.   Finding The Balance Kate took a year off from being a nurse in the Mayo Clinic to work on her sister Jenna Kutcher's Goal Digger Podcast. During this time, she realized her passion for integrative health.   "What are you doing when you're putting off something else?" She knows that areas of Western medicine need improvement, but also recognizes that this medicine is the reason we are alive today after seeing it in action in the ICU. However, chronic conditions that plague our country prove a need for a shift toward the holistic. We need to look at sleep, stress, and diet. "I feel very at home in this spot in the middle."     Becoming A Woman   "Everything in my life was very natural but yet I was still controlling this really natural and beautiful cycle." Kate never felt any shame around her period. "I just felt honored and excited about it." Her periods were regular but were more frequent than they should have been. "It takes a while to normalize your cycle."   Wanting to prevent this near constant bleeding, she tried the NuvaRing but ultimately settled on the Mirena IUD which allowed her to continue ovulating.   Cons of Hormonal Contraceptive   "I completely trust my fellow woman to make the choice that is best for her. There is an option that is right for everybody."   The hormones in contraceptives are not the exact hormones your body would make. Hormonal contraception often suppresses ovulation and ultimately suppresses hormones that are natural and have important benefits.   "You're inhibiting a very natural process that goes a lot deeper than just your period." The Phases Of Your Cycle Ladies + Gents--the below is just an overview...you gotta listen to the whole episode to get the goods of each phase of your cycle!   Menstruation/Winter Day 1: shedding the uterine lining. You're maybe feeling moody or withdrawn, experiencing cramps, and a need to slow down. It's like the 'winter' season of the cycle.   Follicular/Spring Day 3 or 4: Follicle stimulating hormone is working on the dominant egg. More energy in this phase, almost like stepping back into your skin. This time is good for creative projects and you'll experience clear thinking.   "You feel energetic and attractive... it's just a really vibrant time."     Ovulation/Summer Body releases egg as the pituitary gland signals for it to release.   "You can't kind of ovulate—you either ovulate or you don't."   High energy, high sex drive, you feel attractive. Your hormones even make you more attractive to those around you. There is a study that shows a correlation between a woman's scent during ovulation and a man's attraction to her.   Luteal/Fall Progesterone—can make you moody and somber, but it's really important.   "It is the yin to estrogen's yang."   Progesterone is calming, helps sleep, reduces inflammation, + builds muscles.   "The shift from being so estrogen dominant at parts of your cycle to progesterone dominant causes an influx of emotion—what we see as PMS."     Getting To Know Your Period   "Your period health says a lot about your overall health."   Track Your Cycle! Kate journals every morning and will write about how she is feeling on the previous day of her cycle. A few key words is all you need—nothing flashy! Kate uses the Ava app and Kat uses the My Flo app.   "Your period story does not have to be suffering every month."     Books To Read: The Period Repair Manual by Laura Briden (textbook info in novel format) Hormonal by Martie Haselton (quick + easy relatable read)   Thoughts On Period Products Thoughts on tampons? "Invest in organic—it does matter." Regular tampons are covered in toxins. Thoughts on menstrual cups? Tampons are single use and create waste so this is a great alternative. Kate uses OrganiCup and LOVES it. "I can't believe I lived for so long without using it." It's easy to clean—simply boil between cycles. It may not be for everybody—some women say they experience more cramps using a cup. Thoughts on Thinx? Kate hasn't tried them, but Kat has some friends that swear by them and only use them during their periods.   "Whatever makes you feel most at home and comfortable with your period… I say go for it." “It all comes back to the base of introducing small integrative habits into your day to live your most balanced and vibrant life."   Resources: Grab the organic menstrual cup I use here. Keep up with Kate on Instagram at @kate.eskuri Check out Kate’s website, thefoundationblog.com Read Kate’s blog post about using acupressure for periods! Sign up for Kate’s email list to get access to exclusive content. I’m an avid reader and always have at least 3 books going at once. Anyone else love getting lost in a good fiction book? I just got a new book I’m super excited about called The Lost and Found Bookshop by Susan Wiggs. This NYT Bestseller now in paperback is the perfect feel-good summer read for a beach read or your book club. Grab your copy anywhere books are sold or find more at SusanWiggs.com. I have become very invested in taking care of my skin— I just wish I had started earlier! Swedish skincare company Foreo strives to turn daily routines into vibrant rituals and celebrate aging gracefully. They bundled their most popular products into a bundle that is sold exclusively on Amazon. Go to Amazon.com and use coupon code REFINEDC50 to grab the set for $199 (it is valued at over $300!)

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Welcome to the TRC Remix Series Part II. If you’re not sure what this series is click here for more info!   Today is part TWO of a conversation on masturbation on the podcast. If you missed part one, check it out here before you listen to this episode. This week, I’ll be continuing a layered and nuanced conversation addressing the thing no one wants to say out loud, but everyone is dying to talk about: masturbation.   Is it a sin? Does the Bible say anything about it?   Brokenness is the beginning of the gospel. —David Kim.    Is Masturbation A Sin? My honest answer is: yes, no, maybe. All the way from Genesis to Revelation there’s this rhythm we see of death to life, brokenness to restoration, renewal and redemption. [1]Clearly there is some real brokenness in how pleasure is approached, but if Jesus came to make all things new, is it possible that He could have a redemptive vision for this too? 1 Corinthians 6:12-13; 10:23 Paul says it twice: Everything is lawful, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.   How Can Masturbation Be A Win? 5 Things to Consider   Pleasure  God is for our pleasure. How do I know? Taste buds, sunsets, brownie sundaes, and the only purpose of the clitoris is pleasure.   Practice Healthy Consent Consent in sexual encounters whether it’s a hug or sex is VITAL. But if we don’t know what we want or what feels good we won’t have the tools to communicate our wants and needs. Masturbation can be a way to: Know your body. Know what feels good and doesn’t feel good. And have the ability to communicate that.    Mutual Honor and Acceptance We put on other people a tenth of what we put on ourselves. If I judge, shame, dismiss my sexual desire and in essence don’t accept it, how can I accept my partner’s?   Connection and Innocence To God: Mark 12:29-30— love God with all of you.   To self and others:  Matthew 18:3— be like little children. If little children can masturbate in innocence, can we not get back to that as well?    Practice Being Present: Sensuality Dr. Celeste Holbrook, the Christian sexologist, describes sensuality beautifully: it’s the act of being present. She talks about how toddlers are the most sensual beings because they’re in a constant state of discovery. Porn and masturbation are not mutually exclusive. Removes fear and shame around body, self, and sexual desire.   5 Questions to Ask Yourself   Am I addicted to porn? I am not here to shame you if this is your story. Masturbation for a person addicted to porn would be like a drunk living at a bar. Not a win for you right now. Phylicia Masonheimer has some amazing resources for you around this topic. Sexuality can be activated by abuse. If that is your story, I am so sorry and remember that it is never your fault. Your sexuality is not tainted and you have permission to work through this.   Why am I feeling turned on right now?  50 Shades of Grey, porn, or a normal Wednesday afternoon? What am I really looking for at this moment? Connection? Intimacy? Release?   How can I honor myself, God, and my future in this moment? Really take the time to answer this question for yourself.    If shame weren’t a part of the conversation, how would I show up? Shame and fear is not the heart of God— Ephesians 3— rooted and grounded in love. Jesus came for the abundant life— not a spirit of fear, but of power! Is it possible to masturbate and stay present and not fantasize? Is it possible to remain in healthy community with myself, God and others and masturbate? Is it possible to experience self-pleasure and remain outward focused? Yes! Grace Alone: In every other area of our lives we’re willing to fumble, but sexually we’re so terrified. It’s like 1-strike you’re out and sent to the pit of hell. No! Just because some people may become alcoholics, doesn’t mean everyone will.   Who am I becoming? (Jon Tyson) What are the actions, words, choices of your life propelling you towards? When to discern if this is problematic behavior? Porn/erotica. Isolation. Keeping you from relationship. Distraction from everyday activities. Can’t work, go out, or sleep without it— like any addiction. Fantasy land vs. real life.    So is masturbation a sin? Yes, no, maybe. Where is your heart? I have masturbated in all 3 scenarios. Give yourself permission to search your heart, to explore, and seek God’s heart. If fear is a part of the conversation, reject it! Resources: Embrace Your Sexuality Mini Course. Sign up for one on one coaching with me here. Phylicia Masonheimer offers 7-day free content for those struggling with porn addiction. Celeste’s TRC episode: Purity Culture, Painful Sex + Debunking Shame Narrative Phylicia Masonheimer’s TRC episode: Who Should I Date? Jon Tyson’s TRC episode: Developing a New Vision for Christian Sexuality Grab a copy of my book, Sexless in the City!   Books to Read: *** Note: I don’t agree with everything in these books, but they are great resources*** Redeeming Sex by Debra Hirsch Mingling of the Souls by Matt Chandler Sex God by Rob Bell Theology of the Body for Beginners: A Basic Introduction to Pope John Paul II's Sexual Revolution by Christopher West Check out all of the books I recommend about God and Sex here.   [1] Timothy Keller. The Gospel in All Its Forms. Acts 29, December 12, 2008. https://www.acts29.com/tim-keller-explains-the-gospel/. Accessed September 10, 2019. Another incredible resource on this is the book Every Good Endeavor by Timothy Keller. It’s a book I wish  I would’ve read when I was in my 20s; it would’ve saved me a lot of heartache.   [2] “He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” (New International Version, Revelation 21:5). I’m an avid reader and always have at least 3 books going at once. Anyone else love getting lost in a good fiction book? I just got a new book I’m super excited about called The Lost and Found Bookshop by Susan Wiggs. This NYT Bestseller now in paperback is the perfect feel-good summer read for a beach read or your book club. Grab your copy anywhere books are sold or find more at SusanWiggs.com.   You’ve probably heard a lot about collagen over the years and know several people who swear by it. I’m here to tell you that it’s worth the hype. Collagen helps reduce fine lines and helps ease joint discomfort— pretty cool, right? You can put it in everything from a smoothie to banana bread. Go to AncientNutrition.com and use code REFINED for 20% off your first order.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   You may have heard on Instagram that The Refined Collective reached 1 million downloads! This is a huge milestone and I want to CELEBRATE that with you! We have over 150 episodes from the last 3.5 years and I spent some time digging through the archives to find the most downloaded episodes ever to share with you over the next 10 weeks. If you're new to TRC, buckle up, because we have some incredible content coming your way. And if you've been here a while, hold tight, because a good refresh on this stuff never hurt! Also, while we're going through the archives, I'm going to spend some time dreaming up what's next for TRC! (And truthfully, I need a break from interviews for a bit!) But I didn’t want to leave you hanging while I took a little break! So get excited, + welcome to TRC REMIX!   Are you ready to revisit (or visit for the first time) the most downloaded episode on TRC history? This is Part 1 of a conversation I had been avoiding having with you guys in a solo show because I was afraid of getting it wrong or someone taking a sound bite out of context. This is a nuanced conversation with a lot of grey areas, but I didn’t want fear to keep me from this dialogue. So I dove into the topic and the response was overwhelming in the best way. Now let’s dive back in!   Here’s what I won’t do: Tell you what to do. Give you a script to regurgitate to yourself and others to justify any of your actions. Shame or judge you for your past or your current decisions. Try to fix you or convince you of anything.   What I hope to do: Point you to Jesus, Scripture, and nuance. Normalize a healthy conversation around sex, sexuality, desire, and yes— masturbation The word alone can feel shame inducing, right? How many times do you say ‘masturbation’ out loud on a regular basis? God is not ashamed of our sexual desire and sexuality—he created it (Genesis 1: 26-31). Give you tools to equip you to navigate your faith, values, and a dialogue around masturbation. Don’t take my word for it—I’m not God. This is where I am at after close to 7 years of researching, praying, doubting, trial and error, and tough conversations. God created you with a mind—use it! Finally, it’s ok if we don’t see eye to eye—we can still love, respect, and honor one another even if we come to different conclusions.   My Personal Story:  Before we move forward with vision and walk out today with clarity, we have to be willing to look backwards: how, why, and through what means did we get here? Home: ‘It’s okay to masturbate.’ School: Silence. Friends: Silence, masked conversations, and shame. Culture: ‘Do what feels good.’ Church: All wrong, all the time, shut down your desire until marriage—only guys struggle with sexual desire.    4 Questions to Ask Yourself What do you currently believe about masturbation and why? What were you taught about masturbation at home, school, from friends, culture, and church? Where and how were those beliefs formed? Are those sexual scripts/beliefs rooted in fear or freedom? Identify the shame agenda + the Jesus agenda.   The Big ‘O’: The Power of the Orgasm When we orgasm, dopamine and oxytocin are released in a surge in our bodies. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter released from the reward center part of our brain associated with pleasure. Oxytocin is a feel-good hormone. One of its sole purposes is to create deep bonds between people. This is like “soul ties.”   The Harem Within: C.S. Lewis   “For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself…and turns it back: sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides. And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no real woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover: no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity. In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself . . . .After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little, dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison”[1]     My pleasure is #1 priority   Ephesians 5: Respect our husbands and husbands to serve their wives like Christ served the church. Our sexual experiences with our spouses should be outward focused, let’s serve each other—not ‘I’m feeling turned on, get me off, and then roll over.’     Ends on self   Sexuality = desire for ‘o’ others. Gets us outside of our heads and into relationship/community with others.     No iron sharpens iron here folks   Conflict resolution. Mirrors of each other. Constant growth. “Brides always adored” or “yes men.”     FANTASY LAND: Loving the prison more than real life   I don’t want to get so good at getting myself off that I don’t need another person. 91% of millennials masturbate (19 and 36 for SKYN's 2018 Millennial Sex Survey, and found that 91 percent of respondents masturbated.) 2015—Pornhub site: 60% of its users were millennials. Compartmentalized and scratching an itch that we don’t need to/want to take the risk of being in a relationship and dating. Avoiding: heartbreak, awkwardness, conflict, rejection. Is this why so many of us in the church are single? We’re getting just enough of our “itches” scratched that the risk of truly putting ourselves out there to be in a relationship is not worth it?    Don’t worry, I won’t leave you hanging. Process what we’ve just gone through today and get ready for Part 2 coming next Wednesday. In the meantime, journal through the questions I ask above under “4 Questions to Ask Yourself.” Make sure you’re subscribed to the podcast so the next episode will download straight to your devices!!   [1] C.S. Lewis. Personal Letter From Lewis to Keith Masson found in The Collected Letters of C.S. Lewis, Volume 3: Narnia, Cambridge, and Joy 1950-1963. (New York: Harper Collins, 2007).   Resources Your Mind Matters by John Stott How to Embrace Your Sexuality Mini Course Sign up for one on one coaching with me here. Be sure + grab a copy of my book Sexless in the City.   Ladies, does it ever feel like your shorts were just not made for you? Title Nine is performance outdoor gear made by women for women that you can wear working out, hiking, or just running errands. It is built to perform and made to last. Go to TitleNine.com/refined for $10 off and free shipping on your order over $100!   This past year, I’ve been trying to perfect some recipes I can have in my back pocket when I have company. In all of these experiences, I realized how important it is to have good cooking tools. I just got a brand new knife set from Made In Cookware and it has been life-changing. Go to MadeInCookware.com/kat and use promo code KAT for 15% off your first order!   When it comes to paying off debt, it can often feel like an uphill battle. Upstart can help you get ahead. It is the fast and easy way to pay off your debt with a personal loan all online. Unlike other lenders, Upstart looks at more than just your credit score, so they can offer smarter rates with trusted partners. Go to Upstart.com/refined to see how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Today’s guest is a pretty big deal... I’m talking with the author of a book that has changed my life. Christopher West is a Doctor of Theology, devoted husband, father of five, and president of the Theology of the Body Institute. He is also the author of Good News About Sex and Marriage, Theology of the Body, and Our Bodies Tell God’s Story. Today, we talk about God’s divine vision for the woman’s body, and body theology 101.   Why have we demonized the Female Body?   “If Christmas is real, then woman’s body is heaven on earth. It is the dwelling place of the most high God. What does the enemy want to do? He wants to desecrate the temple.” -Christopher West   Book of Genesis— Lucifer’s hatred aimed at the woman and her ability to bear offspring   “Jealousy says ‘I wish I had what you have.’ But envy goes a step further and it says ‘I hate that you have it and I want you to hate that you have it.’” -Christopher West     “That’s the purpose of the body— to overflow with divine love.” -Christopher West   What is the root of toxic masculinity? Chrstipher unpacks the idea of toxic masculinity in a biblical lens.   “The problem is that fallen men are exerting their fallen masculinity in this world. And fallen masculinity is always aimed at women in a degrading kind of way.” -Christopher West   Ephesians 3 // Apostle Paul says his mission is to make plain to everyone the mystery that has been hidden in God Ephesians 5 // “This is a mega mystery— and it refers to Christ and the church”   “One woman’s body changed the world because she said yes to God’s plan for her life.” - Christopher West   Resources Check out TheologyoftheBody.com for more resources. Listen to Christopher’s podcast with his wife, Wendy, here. Keep up with Christopher on IG at @cwestofficial and @tobinstitute. Read Christopher’s book, Theology of the Body. Be sure + grab a copy of my book Sexless in the City.   I’m an avid reader and always have at least 3 books going at once. Anyone else love getting lost in a good fiction book? I just got a new book I’m super excited about called The Lost and Found Bookshop by Susan Wiggs. This NYT Bestseller now in paperback is the perfect feel-good summer read for a beach read or your book club. Grab your copy anywhere books are sold or find more at SusanWiggs.com.   Finding a bra that fits, is comfortable, and cute or sexy… it feels impossible. I recently had an enjoyable bra shopping experience with the female-founded and led company Natori. They have everything from size A to G. Go to Natori.com and apply the code REFINED at checkout for 15% off at checkout. Be sure to use the hashtag #MyNatori on social media.   We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   I grew up in the Bible Belt South. I was taught good Christians save sex for marriage. I loved God + wanted to do it ‘His way’, so I nodded + smiled. Only in my late 20s did I realize I had no idea what the Bible actually said about sex. I only knew what my pastors told me. I needed to find out for myself what the Bible really said about sex, + then I needed to decide if I cared what it had to say.   This episode unpacks Part II of that journey.    Last week on the podcast, I shared all about my experience growing up in Christian culture, my choice to wait until marriage for sex, and the major struggle waiting was for me. In last weeks episode, I also did a deep dive into what the New Testament says about sex. If you haven’t listened yet, make sure you do that here. This week, I am continuing the conversation with an exploration of the Old Testament.   There’s a deeper ‘why’ 1 Samuel 16:7 // God looks at the heart. Genesis 1:1 // Creation of humanity and climax of creation. God acknowledges that it is not good for humans to be alone, but he doesn’t instantly satisfy that longing. He let’s Adam work and sit in his desire. Chapter 2 of Genesis //    The man said, “This is now bone of my bones     and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’     for she was taken out of man.” 24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. 25 Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.   Introducing sex The initial precendence of sex was post-marriage. “Yada” Jewish word ‘to know’ is used to describe sex— it also happens to be the same word used for God knowing us. It’s not just these physical acts, it’s MIND, BODY, SOUL, SPIRIT, DEEP KNOWING. In Hebrew culture, you moved out once and it meant something. The man would build her a house. But today, we move all the time and have dozens of roommates. These houses were often built on his family property— this means a few things: Job Willing to put in the time for her Diligence Showing everyone he’s a one woman kind of guy Willing to do whatever it takes to let her know he’s in it for the long haul   “I’ve kissed more than one guy who wanted to kiss me after a couple of drinks at night, but never wanted to hold my hand in the daylight at brunch with his friends on a Saturday.” - Kat Harris   The Bible is (ummm…) Erotic The Song of Solomon was so erotic that Hebrew boys weren’t allowed to read it until they were men. King Solomon’s wife expresses enthusiastic consent and empowered sexuality from the get-go showing sex was about more than pro-creation: Pleasure matters to God.   “I saw a God vision for sex that is robust and beautiful and deep and rich… and it was transforming to me.” - Kat Harris   Reflection Questions What are your thoughts on sex after listening to Part I + II? Has anything shifted? What question do you still have? How would you describe the genesis 2 type of love?   Resources I take this conversation so much deeper in my book. Be sure + grab a copy of: Sexless in the City Join our Patreon community for exclusive videos Listen to the audio of Chapter 1 of my book for FREE:  My Breaking Point Listen to What the Bible Really Says About Sex: Part II   I have become very invested in taking care of my skin— I just wish I had started earlier! Swedish skincare company Foreo strives to turn daily routines into vibrant rituals and celebrate aging gracefully. They bundled their most popular products into a bundle that is sold exclusively on Amazon. Go to Amazon.com and use coupon code REFINED35 to grab the set for $199 (it is valued at over $300!)   You’ve probably heard a lot about collagen over the years and know several people who swear by it. I’m here to tell you that it’s worth the hype. Collagen helps reduce fine lines and helps ease joint discomfort— pretty cool, right? You can put it in everything from a smoothie to banana bread. Go to AncientNutrition.com and use code REFINED for 20% off your first order.   I’m an avid reader and always have at least 3 books going at once. Anyone else love getting lost in a good fiction book? I just got a new book I’m super excited about called The Lost and Found Bookshop by Susan Wiggs. This NYT Bestseller now in paperback is the perfect feel-good summer read for a beach read or your book club. Grab your copy anywhere books are sold or find more at SusanWiggs.com.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Warning: This episode covers a sensitive topic. I want to give you the opportunity to pause and listen when you are alone or use some headphones if you’re around delicate ears.   What does the Bible really say about sex? Is there a difference between sexual desire and desire for sex? How do I embrace my sexuality? What if I never meet someone?   My journey has been imperfect, but the stumbles led me to where I am today. In this episode, I share my own stumbles in waiting for marriage, including the relationships that made me really question my decision to wait for marriage. If you want to hear more of that journey, check out My Breaking Point, an episode of the podcast where I read an excerpt from my book, Sexless in the City. After that breaking point, I decided to make my faith my own and find out why I believed what I believed. Here is Part I of what I discovered. (Part II coming next week.)   Where + When does the Bible talk about Sex? The phrases “sexual immorality” or “fornification” popped up a lot in the New Testament and were always accompanied by the word “flee.”  In 1 Corinthians 6:18, Paul tells the church to flee from porneia. In 1 Corinthians 7:1–2 Paul encourages the Corinth church to get married in order to avoid the temptation of porneia. This set of verses is often used during biblical teaching on abstinence.  Porneia: blanket word that encapsulated a lot of different things: pedophilia, beastiality, adultery…in essence it’s this bundled term for any sexual activity outside of marriage. I can trust that if there is an invitation to flee from something it’s not because God hates sex or sexual activity…it’s because God has a more grand vision for whatever the thing is…   “Make a decision that is not rooted in ‘should’ or external expectation or shame, but one that is connected to abundance, wholeness, and freedom.” - Kat Harris   What Exactly is Sex? How do you define sex? Where did you come up with said definition? Is sex one act? Or a pool of experiences? What if you identify as LGBTQ+? Are the only people who can lose their virginity those who experience heterosexual attraction? What if your partner is experiencing impotence? What if you’re one of the 75% of females who only experience climax/orgasm through external stimulation? Does your deffinition of sex expand when you consider these questions?   “I didn’t want to redefine sex because if I did, I might not be a virgin anymore.” - Kat Harris   Next episode, I’ll unpack what I found in the Old Testament about God and sex. But for now...   Reflection Questions Have you felt as a person of faith that your virginity is tied to your standing with God? How would you define sex? Why would you define it that way? Where did you come up with said definition? What stood out to you today? Pool of experiences vs. vertical race to a misguided goal. Sit with it. Process. Talk with your friends about it.   Resources Buy my book Sexless in the City Join our Patreon community for exclusive videos Listen to My Breaking Point Ladies, does it ever feel like your shorts were just not made for you? Title Nine is performance outdoor gear made by women for women that you can wear working out, hiking, or just running errands. It is built to perform and made to last. Go to TitleNine.com/refined for $10 off and free shipping on your order over $100!   This past year, I’ve been trying to perfect some recipes I can have in my back pocket when I have company. In all of these experiences, I realized how important it is to have good cooking tools. I just got a brand new knife set from MadeIn Cookware and it has been life-changing. Go to MadeInCookware.com/kat and use promo code KAT for 15% off your first order! Finding a bra that fits, is comfortable, and cute or sexy… it feels impossible. I recently had an enjoyable bra shopping experience with the female-founded and led company Natori. They have everything from size A to G. Go to Natori.com and apply the code REFINED at checkout for 15% off at checkout. Be sure to use the hashtag #MyNatori on social media.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Prayer is talking to God. Meditation is learning to listen to the voice of God. One of my yoga instructors told me that years ago, and it freaked me out!   Meditation felt scary, woo-woo, and un-Christian. But what my yoga instructor said all those years ago rang true in the moment. Truth has a way of doing that...   This month has been really special because I’ve dedicated it to mental health topics on the podcast. We’ve talked about when it’s time to go to therapy, how to identify your anxiety triggers, how to stabilize when you’re having an anxiety attack, and how to check in on your mental health.   I wanted to end this series on Mental Health by offering you a really practical tool to support your mental health: a guided meditation.   Whether you’ve meditated for years, or never in your life tried it before, I invite you to come, sit, be still, receive, and practice the art of listening.    I believe God is speaking constantly, but we miss Him because we’re so busy speaking at Him.   Want to give it a try?    Step By Step Find a comfortable position Put one hand on your heart and the other on your belly Start noticing your breath— each inhale and exhale Lengthen your inhales and exhales Scan your body— do you feel tightness? Release tension— particularly in your face, shoulders, or belly Allow your mind to wander, but recenter to your breath.   Yhwh This name of God is vowel-less, even though we tend to say it with vowels. This is the breath of life.  Inhale yh.  Exhale wh.    Resources When Is It Time to Go to Therapy? with Kobe Campbell Kobe Campbell Answers Your Questions About Trauma and Mental Health Identifying Anxiety Triggers The Science of Anxiety + How to Stabilize Once You're Triggered Are You Really OK? A Mental Health Check Up with Debra Fileta How to Say No + Set Healthy Boundaries with Debra Fileta It is finally HERE! My book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex is officially available online and in bookstores! If your copy arrives, make sure you post on social media and tag me! It makes my day to see it in your hands and I can’t wait for you to dive in.

Unsure how to practically prioritize your mental health? What are tangible ways you can check-in + gauge your current mental health? Do you spiritually bypass your mental health struggles? Sometimes we gaslight ourselves when it comes to spirituality + mental health. Here’s how...   Debra Fileta is a licensed professional counselor who specializes in dating, marriage, and relationship issues, as well as mental health disorders. She was on episode 97 of The Refined Collective. We talked about dating myths, and now she’s back for round two. She’s the author of True Love Dates, Choosing Marriage, and Love in Every Season! Her new book Are You Really OK? just released! Today, we’re talking about how to assess your own mental health and how to pursue help when it’s needed.   Mental Health 101 Emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical health all go hand-in-hand.   “Even good things cause an emotional reaction and stress. So the launch of a book— even though it’s an amazing experience— contributes to your stress… good things can lead to burnout.” - Debra     Emotional Health Check Up We take physical health check ups seriously, but are we doing the same for our mental health? How to have an emotional health check-in? 1. Expressive writing: write down your emotions, no matter how messy. Studies show people who regularly do this experience fewer symptoms of stress.   “If we don’t take the time to stop and really process what is happening underneath, that pressure is going to build until it comes out in a way that we don’t have control over.” - Debra     Spiritual Health Check Up 3 Spiritual Health Check-up Questions to Ask yourself:: 1. What people or experiences have shaped my view of God? 2. What are some words that I’ve believed about God that aren’t actually based on truth? 3. What characteristics of God— as revealed through his word— are most significant to me and my experience?   Mental Health Check Up   “Your mental health is not a sign of your character, it’s a sign of your chemistry” - Debra   Notice the patterns that contribute to your anxiety Do you feel restless? Irritable? Soreness? Difficulty sleeping? Breathless? Notice the patterns that contribute to your depression Are you feeling sadness or apathy? Decreased pleasure in all the things you normally enjoy? An absent or uncontrollable appetite? Fatigue? If you have any of these symptoms for two weeks, you can be diagnosed with depression.  How to Say No In an exclusive Patreon interview, Debra shares… How to get to the root of why you feel the need to say “yes” always How to set healthy boundaries in your life Join Patreon and get access to this and dozens of other exclusive videos/interviews. Join here!   Resources Keep up with Debra: TrueLoveDates.com and @TrueLoveDates on IG. Debra on TRC: Soulmates = Codependency (And Other Dating Myths Debunked) Debra’s book: Are You Really OK?  Exclusive Patreon Interview: How to Say No + Set Healthy Boundaries It is finally HERE! My book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex is officially available online and in bookstores! If your copy arrives, make sure you post on social media and tag me! It makes my day to see it in your hands and I can’t wait for you to dive in. We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Are you experiencing a lot of anxiety recently? Does it feel unsolvable? Like your anxiety attack will like it will never end? What if you had tools to help ease your anxiety in the moment?   As you know, May is Mental Health Awareness Month and we’re getting serious about mental health over here on The Refined Collective Podcast. Two weeks ago, I spoke with Trauma Therapist Kobe Campbell all about therapy (tune in here if you missed it). And last week, I shared my own experience with anxiety and practical ways to identify your anxiety triggers outside of the moment (tune in here if you missed it). This week, I wanted to share how you can stabilize your anxiety when you’re in the moment.   A Collective Anxiety Why are we experiencing so much anxiety? Collective depression + individual anxiety + trauma + relapses—from living in + through a pandemic — we’ve never done this before.  Brene Brown talks about FFT ‘It’s the F-ing first time’ Listen to her talk about it in this podcast episode. The older we get, the less we like trying new things. Trying new things is vulnerable and we don’t want to suck! Normalizing discomfort is our secret sauce Name it What’s coming up? THIS IS THE 1ST PANDEMIC! Perspective  This is not going to last forever Reality Check Nothing is going as planned and that’s okay   The Science of Anxiety Our thoughts activate our minds, then our minds activate the body, then our body activates fight or flight. Symptoms like: dizziness, head rush, tingling, heart palpitations, paranoia, hypervigilance, can’t breathe, legs feel like jelly   3 Parts of the Brain NeoCortex/Prefrontal Cortex: rational, logic, problem-solving  Limbic: emotions, feeling, memories Reptilian/Primal: survival When we’re triggered, the Primal Brain gets activated and the other two shut down. In order to reactivate the others, you have to let the Primal Brain know you’re safe.   How do you speak to the Primal Brain to reactivate other two parts of our brain?   4 Things to Do In the Moment: Pause Breathe Mindful breathing DO IT NOW // 4 DEEP INHALES + EXHALES This activates the parasympathetic nervous system, meaning you feel safe and your body stops pumping cortisol and adrenaline. Quitting cigarette smoking is hard, in part, because it involves deep breathing. BOXED BREATHING (Navy SEALs use this!) Try it now (4x) Simple truths: I am safe and at home in my body I am here. I can breathe. I can feel discomfort and still be safe Ground Fear removes us from the moment. Runaway train of thought. Worst case scenarios. Kate Eskuri spoke about grounding on the podcast last year.   “It’s that inner sense of calm even though the outside world might feel a little scattered.” - Kate Eskuri   Grounding Rituals What are five things I can see?  What are four things I can feel?  What are three things I can hear?  What are two things I can smell right now?  What is one thing I can taste?   Reflection Questions     Resources Brene Brown podcast episode about FFT TRC Ep 090: Why Self-Care is More Crucial Now Than Ever Before My calming Spotify playlist Moving Through Fear Guide Jackie Viramontzez meditation/EFT tapping TRC Ep 086: How Meditation Can Change Your Life   Stay tuned for next week’s episode, where I’ll lead a guided meditation!   It is finally HERE! My book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex is officially available online and in bookstores! If your copy arrives, make sure you post on social media and tag me! It makes my day to see it in your hands and I can’t wait for you to dive in.   When it comes to paying off debt, it can often feel like an uphill battle. Upstart can help you get ahead. It is the fast and easy way to pay off your debt with a personal loan all online. Unlike other lenders, Upstart looks at more than just your credit score, so they can offer smarter rates with trusted partners. Go to Upstart.com/refined to see how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today.   You’ve probably heard a lot about collagen over the years and know several people who swear by it. I’m here to tell you that it’s worth the hype. Collagen helps reduce fine lines and helps ease joint discomfort— pretty cool, right? You can put it in everything from a smoothie to banana bread. Go to AncientNutrition.com and use code REFINED for 20% off your first order.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   What triggers our anxiety? How can we identify our triggers outside of the moment? How can we change our relationship with anxiety?   As you know, May is Mental Health Awareness Month and we’re getting serious about mental health over here on The Refined Collective Podcast. Last week, I spoke with Trauma Therapist Kobe Campbell all about therapy (tune in here if you missed it). This week, I wanted to talk all about how to identify stress and anxiety triggers outside of the moment.   My Anxiety Story I was experiencing heart palpitations at night but thought I was just sleeping on the wrong side. I prided myself on working 16 hour days, going out and being able to party, skip meals, and get up before the others to get ahead. It was intoxicating— I had friends who lived this way and encouraged a lifestyle of ‘I’ll sleep when I’m dead.’ The problem: I was being rewarded for my behavior—my business was growing, I was a jetsetter, business owner—I got a ton of opportunities in my career because I was a ‘yes’ person.  Then, like an alcoholic moving to a bar—I moved to NYC. I’ve said for a long time, NYC is like being in the right place at the right time all the time if you’re open to it.   Manifested in the Physical I had an unknown rash all over my body— I joked that it was my body being allergic to NYC. One day I was shooting a wedding and almost fainted during family portraits. I stumbled and laughed it off but it was really scary. Then, at the reception bathroom floor—as soon as I left it left + it left. Chalked it up to dehydration— it was just a fluke. The next weekend, I went to the hamptons for another shoot and the same thing happened. The next week, it happened again. This time at church: a place I feel so safe. Within a month I was a wreck: Terrified of leaving my house. Going to church felt anxiety-inducing. Shooting weddings felt like life or death. Being on the subways was the worst. Was this my new normal? I must be really losing it. I couldn’t live this way.   Why Me? YOU HAVE TO LOOK BACK BEFORE YOU CAN LOOK FORWARD. Here are the patterns I noticed every time I had a huge panic attack: Lack of sleep  I was fueled by fear in my career: if I’m not working, I’m not getting paid — if I don’t get paid, I can’t pay rent, buy food, take care of myself. One of the most anxiety inducing scenarios is when our core needs are in threat of not being met:  Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: 5-tiered model pyramid approach to human needs. It goes from bottom to top. You can’t go to the next level without the previous level being supported. Basic needs are food, water, shelter, rest. Then above that is safety and security. Above that is belonging and love. Above that is esteem and accomplishment. At the very top is self-actualization. Lack of food + water (big stretches of time without snack / meal Alcohol the day before Lots of caffeine Overheated  It was like I had been driving with my gas tank on E for 50 miles at 100 miles an hour and then hit a pothole and my engine exploded. So when I got into a stressful situation like public speaking, shooting a wedding, being on a crowded subway... I was at a resting state of level 9 anxiety. The tiniest thing was setting me off.    How could I set myself up for success outside of a stressful or triggering situation so that I could be at a resting rate of 1-3?   Back to the Basics This is the bottom line. Life, work, relationships CANNOT happen if these aren’t happening first. BACK TO MASLOW’S HIERARCHY OF NEEDS Sleep 7-8 hours The Sleep Revolution by Ariana Huffington Eat 3x day  Have snacks with me at all times Meditate daily + prayer— even if it’s brief Workout— even if (maybe especially if) you don’t feel like it Then I took it a step further Cut out alcohol I gave up alcohol for 6 months + 3/4 of the way through that my dad relapsed into drug abuse. This was one of the most traumatizing experiences of my life and yet I didn’t have one panic attack— it’s like God knew and wanted to help set my body up for success. Cut out caffeine  I used to have one big cup in the morning. I tried to quit cold turkey, but it wasn’t working. Research coffee withdrawal symptoms  Wanted it to be sustainable, so here’s what I did: Week one // no caffeine past noon Week 2 // half a cup of coffee Week 3 // alternated caffeine/decaf every other day Week 4 // all decaf Recently I was recording a podcast and I was feeling a little light headed and I was like what is going on? I had caffeine! Now that I’ve removed it, I can tell when it’s impacting me.   Taking My Thoughts Captive   “There were many terrible things in my life and most of them never happened.” Michel de Montaigne / French Philosopher   Public speaking— I once froze on stage + it was scary I was afraid of throwing up + having a seizure, fainting — which has never happened to me before on stage. I’ve always felt comfortable on stage. But then after I froze; it was all I could think about. Constantly strategizing about how I could make an exit: where were the physical exits, excuses I could make if I needed to leave—I’d just want to get out of there to the nearest restroom to lock myself in until I was better. Underneath the strategizing was fear: I can be safe for other people (duh im on stage). But if I have need, no one is safe. I can’t be seen as imperfect or I won’t be loved. Humiliation, death. THE RUNAWAY TRAIN of my thoughts + obsessing over potential worst case scenarios was taking over my life. What happened is I became more afraid of what could happen than anything that had actually happened.   Excerpt from Sexless in the City: Paul, one of the great teachers of the New Testament, charged the church of Corinth to be ever so aware of their thought life. Paul doesn’t say they should take their thoughts captive; he says they are a people who take their thoughts captive1. The assumption is that they are already a people who understand the power of their thoughts, and regularly examine the source and root of them.  He encourages them to keep that up. In Romans, Paul says to allow ourselves to be transformed with renewed minds.2 Later, to the church in Philippi, he says, “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”3 In other words, Paul knew something powerful: our mindsets determine our reality.  We become what we think about. What are you spending your time thinking about?  … I don’t think we all wake up in the morning as masochists. These limiting beliefs feel true because we’ve often had real experiences that act as proof. Our circumstances are real; it’s not like they don’t happen. Our past impacts our present and can prevent us from our future if we let it. That’s why the invitation of faith is so profound. Faith invites us to have the courage to walk into a reality outside the here and now of our emotions and circumstances. It’s a more ultimate reality. Faith beckons us to lean into the possibility of the unseen and whispers, “Just because you know a story by heart doesn’t mean it’s true.”5 Narratives are always on the hunt for new evidence. So if we’re going to look for it anyway, we might as well look for evidence of God’s goodness and what’s possible. To do that, we first have to identify the limiting beliefs we’re holding on to, release them, flip the script, and start looking for new evidence.  Put in the Work You can’t really do this in the moment. PAUSE / BREATHE Thank your body: it’s trying to save your life GET CURIOUS: What am I really afraid of happening here? What’s the fear underneath the fear? Even if the fear happens will I be ok? REPLACE with TRUTH What do I need to hear right now?  I am safe. I have everything I need Even if the worst case scenario happens, I am safe. I can reach out and ask for support. I am not alone. I am accepted.  I am loved.   Renewing our minds is an actual thing in science + scripture. Brains are pattern makers — we have to interrupt the pattern + look for evidence of a new way to make new neural pathways. Knowing what triggers fear/anxiety/depression/etc. outside of the situation will help give you tools to move through the moment.    LIFE ISN’T ABOUT LIVING FEAR FREE; It’s about changing our relationship to fear. Fear ignites because our minds and bodies think our lives are in danger. Isn’t that incredible? Acknowledge the fear, ‘thank you for coming for a visit + now…you don’t get to be in the driver’s seat today.’   Reflection Questions What triggers your anxiety? What things in your life calm, bring peace, and stabilize you? How can you get back to the basics? What is out of alignment and how can you prioritize it? How can you love yourself well this week? (Fill your car up with gas before it’s on E + you’re stressed, meal prep, schedule rest.   Resources Moving Through Fear Guide TRC Ep 058: How to Marie Kondo Your Mental Health with Dr. Therese Mascardo The Sleep Revolution by Ariana Huffington Ariana Huffington TED Talks on sleep Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs “How Small Habits Can Lead to Big Changes” by Ariana Huffington   Stay tuned for next week’s episode, where I’ll break down how to stabilize the moment once you’ve become activated in your anxiety.   It is finally HERE! My book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex is officially available online and in bookstores! If your copy arrives, make sure you post on social media and tag me! It makes my day to see it in your hands and I can’t wait for you to dive in. Are you in the TRC Patreon community? Last week, Patreon got access to another conversation I had with Kobe Campbell and this week is Part II! We chat about why mental health is having a moment, how to tell if you’re stuck in trauma, and her thoughts on text therapy. Sign up HERE!

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Trigger Warning: We’re talking about mental health in this episode and the conversations can get pretty heavy. If you have little ears around, grab some headphones. Feel free to pause and save this episode for another time if you don’t feel like you have the capacity for it right now.   Are your quirks really trauma responses? Are you depressed or is it the weather? Do you understand what it means to be triggered? Are past traumas continuing to pop up in your life? Are you wondering if it’s time to start therapy? Are you wondering which type of therapy you need? What if you can’t afford therapy? Does time heal all?   This is the first episode of May, which is Mental Health Month. Every episode this month will be focused on mental health in some way. I couldn’t think of a better person to chat with for the very first episode of Mental Health May than trauma therapist Kobe Campbell. Kobe is also co-host of The Healing Circle Podcast, and founder of The Healing Circle Therapy & Wellness Center. She helps me unpack all of the questions above and you’ll walk away with concrete resources as you start your healing journey.   Are Your Quirks Really Trauma Responses?   “Until I went to a therapist, I did not realize that the ways I responded to the world around me were a reflection of me trying to soothe anxiety.” - Kobe     Have You Ever Felt Triggered? We tend to see triggers as us remembering a past trauma, but it’s really us re-experiencing it. Our bodies feel like we’re back in that traumatic moment. And we won’t always know what the traumatic moment was. Are you ever dishonest about your feelings because you feel embarrassed by them?   “What hurts you in the past...is going to hurt you when you’re older… The deep wounds that we feel do not disappear.” - Kobe “Time can distract us, but that’s about it.” - Kobe     Should You Get A Therapist? Are you working things out by venting to your girlfriends? Are you wondering when would be a good time to take it to a professional?  I share the moment I knew it was time to get back into therapy.   “You don’t have to be in crisis to go to therapy. Therapy can be a preventative measure.” - Kobe   Start noticing the patterns in your life that pop up no matter the variables like time and place. We’re often too close to our own lives to see the full picture.   Which Type of Therapy Do You Need? General Therapy Like your family doctor who handles colds and flus, a general therapist handles things like anxiety and depression. Specialized Therapy They have a niche— they work with people who are working through a specific pain. This is for when you want to focus on things like sexual trauma, grief, family issues, or couple therapy.  Psychiatrists vs Therapists Psychiatrists are in the medical field, while therapists are in the mental health field. Psychiatrists are able to prescribe medications and provide official diagnoses.    Should You Go On Medication? Medication is trial and error sometimes to find the right fit. I share my own experience in going the holistic route and when I ultimately felt open to trying medication. There are doctors of osteopathic medicine that can use a blood test to see what medications would react well and poorly with you, narrowing down your trial and error search.   How Do You Find A Therapist? Psychology Today is the Google of therapists. It lists names, degrees, licenses they have, and a bio that gives you a taste of who they are. It also lists fees, rates, and insurances they accept. Most therapists offer free consultations, which are basically short connection calls to help you see if they are a good fit for you. The biggest rule is that they should always make you feel safe. Always.    “Therapy is there to help heal you, not to re-traumatize you. If you ever feel like you have to defend the reality of your pain, run as fast as you can.” - Kobe     What If You Can’t Afford Therapy? Ask about sliding scale fees. Some therapists offer reduced rates.  Open Paths Counseling Center is like Psychology Today, but for therapists who have reduced rate availability.  The Loveland Foundation provides financial assistance for Black women and girls who are seeking therapy. Churches often have scholarship funds for therapy. Kobe and I didn’t get to all of the questions I had for her— there was just so much to cover! So we decided to keep it rolling and continue the conversation just for my Patreon community. Over the next two weeks, I’ll be releasing the continued conversation with Kobe— join now at patreon.com/therefinedcollective.   Resources Keep up with Kobe at kchealingcircle.com and on IG at @healingcircletherapy and @healingcirclepodcast. Listen to Kobe’s podcast she hosts with her husband Kyle, The Healing Circle Podcast. Check out Psychology Today, Open Paths Counseling Center, or The Loveland Foundation if you’re interested in seeking out therapy. It is finally HERE! My book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex is officially available online and in bookstores! If your copy arrives, make sure you post on social media and tag me! It makes my day to see it in your hands and I can’t wait for you to dive in.   Are you in the TRC Patreon community? Last week, Patreon got access to an exclusive podcast episode where I chat with a guy friend about my current dating woes. And THIS week you can hear a continuation of my conversation with Kobe Campbell. Sign up HERE!

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Feminism: the fight for equality between men and women.   Did you grow up thinking feminism was bad?  That the word “feminism” was a dirty word? That your faith had no space for feminism? That women called to serve men?   This week, I’m talking with Meghan Tschanz— writer, speaker, and host of the Faith and Feminism Podcast— all about feminism. We talk about the things we gre up believing about women that we no longer believe, how we grew to become (and call ourselves) feminists, and why Jesus is a feminist.   The Narratives We’ve Been Told Not only does growing up in an Evangelical context shape the way you view your role as a woman, but so does society in general. Meghan talks about how as a kid she was taught that being competitive and strong was not her role and that her body was bad and shameful.   She remembers thinking, “I don’t think this is God, but this is all I know.” And she accepted it because she didn’t want to be seen as un-Christian. “The text doesn’t ever say, ‘Well, men have a little more of the God image and women need to keep quiet.’” - Kat Harris     Changing the Narratives Meghan shares how women can be protectors, providers, and pursuers.  We all love a good “the way they met” story. Meghan shares hers and I open up about my frustration in striking out constantly— always kissing the frogs and never getting the prince. I get honest about wanting a partner who will be a provider and how I have challenged myself to dig below the surface. Being a stay-at-home mom doesn’t mean you’re not a feminist.  “Overall, if we’re looking at the history of the world, if we’re looking at what is ailing women today, it’s a lack of choices, it’s being forced into a box.” - Meghan Tschanz   Women of the Bible We unpack Mary and Martha’s stories in the Bible. Junia’s name was changed to Junius to fit the gender roles. Esther disobeyed and didn’t conform to gender roles. Bottom line: women are very much in charge, empowered, and leading nations.   “The most damaging phrase is: it's always been done this way” - Grace Hopper   Growing up, what did you learn about being a woman? From church? Culture? Home? School? How have those narratives shaped how you view yourself + your experience today? What do you think of the idea that Jesus could be a feminist? What do you think feminism is?    Write down your answers and process them. Be willing to go on a journey.   Resources Keep up with Meghan at MeghanTschanz.com and on IG @meghantschanz. Pre-order Meghan’s book, Women Rising: Learning to Listen, Reclaiming Our Voice. Check out Meghan’s podcast Faith and Feminism and my interview on her podcast here. Check out Beth Allison Barr’s book The Making of Biblical Womanhood. Listen to the episode of TRC where Tiffany Bluhm and I unpack Ephesians 5. It is finally HERE! My book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex is officially available online and in bookstores! If your copy arrives, make sure you post on social media and tag me! It makes my day to see it in your hands and I can’t wait for you to dive in.   When it comes to paying off debt, it can often feel like an uphill battle. Upstart can help you get ahead. It is the fast and easy way to pay off your debt with a personal loan all online. Unlike other lenders, Upstart looks at more than just your credit score, so they can offer smarter rates with trusted partners. Go to Upstart.com/refined to see how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Trigger warning: Multiple discussions of sexual assault in this episode.    Can you have conversations with people you don’t agree with theologically? What does the Bible say about sex? How can we reframe a dialogue around sex? Is your sexual ethic rooted in fear?   You all know by now that I am a Christian and I am waiting for marriage to have sex. I thought it would be fun to have a conversation with a Christian who isn’t saving sex for marriage. And I couldn’t think of a better person to talk to. Brenda Marie Davies is the author of On Her Knees: Memoir of a Prayerful Jezebel and host of the YouTube channel and podcast God is Grey. She identifies as a progressive Christian and champions sex-positive, LGBTQ+ affirming, science-believing faith.   Reframing the dialogue   “When you’re conflating your sexuality with this idea of pure or impure, you’re suddenly creating this black and white narrative.” - Brenda   The phrase “sexual purity” can be particularly shaming and damaging for people who have experienced some sort of sexual assault. Even reframing the phrase “losing your virginity” to “having your sexual debut.” We don’t lose anything when we have sex. Brenda talks about how Ephesians is sometimes taken out of context to promote marital rape. This is not okay; there should always be enthusiastic consent.   “If someone is not enthusiastically consenting to an experience, then they are being coersed into sex.” - Brenda     The swinging pendulum   “My sexuality got completely hijacked by this ethic that was based on fear.” - Brenda   Brenda talks about her experience at the polar opposite sides of views on sex. She recalls her experience being in a church that worshipped purity.   “When we are living in these two polarities or extremes, you’re not just going to balance out in the middle… you don’t have the tools.” - Brenda “I think we flatten sexuality, we have flattened what it means to be human, and we have compartmentalized ourselves which I don’t think is a God theology.” - Kat Harris   There is no way to reach a healthy sexual ethic by white-knuckling.   What does the Bible say about sex? Brenda talks about her relationship with the bible, especially when it comes to what it says about sex. You can find justifications in the Bible that says it is a sin and that says it is not a sin.  “Please don’t say I’m not a Christian… it’s not a salvation issue.” - Brenda   Resources Keep up with Brenda at GodisGrey.com and on IG at @godisgrey. Listen to Brenda’s podcast, God is Grey, here. Listen to my conversation with Brenda on her podcast here. Listen to the TRC episode about why being pro-birth is not enough here. Listen to the TRC episode about sexual desire here. Read Brenda’s book On Her Knees here. It is finally HERE! My book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex is officially available online and in bookstores! If your copy arrives, make sure you post on social media and tag me! It makes my day to see it in your hands and I can’t wait for you to dive in.   Whether it’s taking a walk around your neighborhood, running errands, or venturing out on your own, you always want to feel safe. With Birdie, you can keep doing what you love with added peace of mind. Birdie is a personal safety alarm that is easy to carry and simple to use. You can get 15% off your first purchase when you go to ShesBirdie.com/refined.   For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… what it’s like to date as a person with a public platform and sharing my own deconstruction of my faith. There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up!

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Drumroll please…   My book Sexless in the City launches next week! And so for the first time ever, I’m reading my book on the podcast this week. Here is chapter 1 of my book: My Breaking Point. As you leave this episode, I want you to reflect on these questions: What did you learn about sex from home? Church? School?  Up until this point, what are the beliefs you have held about dating, desire, and sex? When and why did you start adhering to these beliefs? What questions do you still have? For those of you who have pre-ordered, email [email protected] to claim your free bonus goodies! What sort of bonus goodies? Digital download of my Sexless in the City Resource Guide. Digital download of the first two chapters of my book. Discount to the whole TRW shop.   Haven’t pre-ordered yet? There’s still time to!   Go to sexlessinthecitybook.com and scroll down to see all of the places you can pre-order from. Then screenshot your receipt and send to [email protected] and we’ll make sure you get your pre-order goodies right to your inbox.   Why am I asking you to pre-order? Pre-ordering is actually one of the biggest ways you can support me and my book launch. The number of pre-order sales tells places like Barnes and Noble and Amazon how many books they should have in stock. I want my book to be available in allll the stores and that only happens if there is a demand for the book in stores! So thank you THANK YOU to everyone who has already pre-ordered. I hope you enjoy the bonus goodies as a token of my appreciation.    I can’t wait for you all to dive into my book!   When it comes to paying off debt, it can often feel like an uphill battle. Upstart can help you get ahead. It is the fast and easy way to pay off your debt with a personal loan all online. Unlike other lenders, Upstart looks at more than just your credit score, so they can offer smarter rates with trusted partners. Go to Upstart.com/refined to see how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   We are back with part two of the conversation I had with the hosts of the Nights at the Round Table Podcast (actress/comedian, Anjelah Johnson; singer/songwriter/producer, Manwell Reyes; and story-teller/preacher Brandon Smith). If you missed part one all about doubt and faith, go ahead and listen to that here. This week, we’re gonna talk about sex, ba-by. All of these guests are married and so I just had to ask them: Did you wait for marriage to have sex? Was it really worth the wait? Make sure you stay until the very end for this one!   Anjelah’s Waiting Anjelah shares that her wedding night was awful (it’s not like the movies, y’all). She recognized that she had a lot of work to do in unpacking purity culture and the narratives that she was taught growing up.   “Even learning and exploring to say ‘okay, maybe we could try toys or a vibrator,’ that was so bad.” -Anjelah     Manwell’s Experience Manwell did not wait for marriage to have sex, but he clarifies that he wasn’t having casual sex either.   “Then I got saved and I was really scared of sex.” -Manwell     Brandon’s Waiting Having grown up in a very Christian space, Brandon was taught to never have sex before marriage and it instilled a fear in him. He shares his experiences in shutting down any sexual desire or thoughts. His wedding night was special for him and his wife (who also waited for marriage). Poll Responses 69% of people on IG would wait again if they had to do it all over 75% of people in my personal life would wait again if they had to do it all over I also share some stories that some friends and followers sent in about their experiences, so make sure you tune in to the full episode! Resources For all things Manwell’s music, go to ManwellReyes.com. For all things Anjelah, go to Anjelah.com. Check out Laugh on Beat to keep up with all things NATRT here. Check out Nights at the Round Table on iTunes here. Listen to my episode on Nights at the Round Table here. Check out TRC 145: Deconstruction 101 with Nights at the Round Table here. Check out my Patreon video on how it feels to hear these things as someone who is waiting for marriage to have sex: watch here. The countdown is ON for my book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex. It’s coming out in just over a month and you can still pre-order! It would mean so much to me if you did. Head over to sexlessinthecitybook.com to grab your copy!    Make sure you send an email to [email protected] so you can get your pre-order goodies, like a digital download of the first two chapters to read right now, a resource and journaling guide, and a discount to my shop! For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… how to answer the question “why are you still single?” How to know if your standards are too high. And an update on my dating life. YUP! There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up!

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Today marks a first on The Refined Collective Podcast… I have three guests on at the same time. Why? Because I just needed to talk to all of the hosts of the Nights at the Round Table Podcast. My guests are actress/comedian, Anjelah Johnson; singer/songwriter/producer, Manwell Reyes; and story-teller/preacher Brandon Smith. In this episode of TRC, we talk a lot about deconstruction, sex, and doubts. All four of us love God but have a different spiritual journey with God— and that is okay.    Manwell’s Deconstruction Manwell shares where his own spiritual journey began and how he began to question the black and white and step into the grey.   “I find myself more on the sides of people questioning than the people who swear to the good Lord Jesus that they’re correct.” -Manwell Reyes     Brandon’s Deconstruction Brandon opens up about how reading Brian Zhar’s From Water to Wine marked a transformation in his spiritual journey.   “I’m allowed to have doubts and that is perfectly okay. I believe more in Jesus today than I did when I thought I had it all figured out.” -Brandon Smith     Anjelah’s Deconstruction Anjelah reflects on entering the church as a child and shares her experience with purity culture. Her deconstruction didn’t start until after her marriage when she started questioning the views the church has towards the LGBTQ community.   “Something is not sitting right about being a Christian if that is what being a Christian is.” -Anjelah Johnson   Resources For all things Manwell’s music, go to ManwellReyes.com. For all things Anjelah, go to Anjelah.com. Check out Laugh on Beat to keep up with all things NATRT here. Check out Nights at the Round Table on iTunes here. Listen to my episode on Nights at the Round Table here. Buy Brian Zahnd’s Water to Wine: Some of My Story here. Buy John Stott’s book Your Mind Matters here.   What came up for you today? What questions are you afraid of asking? Why aren’t you asking them? What things have you accepted as true without doing your own research?   Next week, the hosts of the Nights at the Round Table Podcast are back for part two of our conversation where we talk all about sex. Specifically, if they had to do it all over again, would they still wait until marriage to have sex?   The countdown is ON for my book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex. It’s coming out in just over a month and you can still pre-order! It would mean so much to me if you did. Head over to sexlessinthecitybook.com to grab your copy!    Real talk… After spending a whole pandemic in sweatpants, I decided to freshen up my wardrobe so I have been shopping and selling on Curtsy. I love it because they have the coolest pieces at thrift store prices. It has my favorite brands like Lululemon, Zara, and Levi’s at up to 70% off. If you want a sustainable way to get your favorite brands delivered to your door, download the Curtsy app and use promo code REFINED for 15% off your first order.   We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

This week, you’re in for a real treat. I’m doing a 3-part podcast series with fellow podcasters + single gals: Carrie Lloyd + Kait Warman. Carrie is a pastor, author, and podcast host. Kait is a relationship coach, podcast host, and author.    The three of us are doing a series where we’re talking about dating in today’s culture on an episode of each of our podcasts + all three episodes are live this week!    The Women Tell All Part I: Should I marry a Christian? The Women Tell All Part II: Scarcity mindset + casual dating. The Women Tell All Part III: Why are they still single?   Today on TRC we’re talking about… is it a sin to date a man who isn’t a Christian? What do we do with the reality that there are more women in the church than men?   “Is it possible that for different people God could be doing a different thing?” - Kat Harris   Where are all of the single Godly men? There are way more women in the church than men. I remember years ago when a pastor of mine said that based on numbers alone, so many Christian women are never going to find a Christian man to marry. Kait notes that men are asking women out, but they’re just asking the same women out over and over again. Carrie shares how it may not be a matter of matching up men and women as we consider that the men in the church may also be exploring their sexuality.    “I’m always looking for the fruit of the spirit in someone… not just that they say they love Jesus.” - Carrie Lloyd   Is it a sin to date/marry someone who is not Christian? Carrie shares her experiences in dating Christian men as an atheist and then dating non-Christian men as a Christian. She notes that we need to have more grace and kindness in this area. I wonder if we put different expectations on men and women. Women aren’t “allowed” to date a non-Christian but men are because they’re expected to be a spiritual leader. Kait shares her perspective that there needs to be more nuance around the conversation than sin or not a sin. She also opens up about an experience where she dated a man who walked the Christian walk but behind closed doors was abusive. Carrie shares how even if someone decides to marry a non-Christian, they have to be honest with themselves about whether or not they’re holding an expectation for their spouse to become a Christian after they’re married.   “I have dated lots of guys who have walked and talked the Christian talk but yet in their hearts, they’re not actually becoming like Jesus.” - Kait Warman   If you liked this episode: Listen to Ben Stuart on TRC: That’s What He Said: Where Are All the Single Godly Men? Listen to Phylicia Masonheimer on TRC: Who Should I Date? Listen to my reflection on dating Christian men: FaceTime Dates, Politics, + Double Standards: How 2020 Has Forever Changed Dating Check out my Patreon video “Should I look for a spiritual leader when I'm dating?”   Resources for Carrie: Keep up with Carrie at CarrieLloyd.live and on IG at @carriegracey. Check out Carrie’s books, The Virgin Monologues, Prude: Misconceptions Of A Neo-Virgin, and The Noble Renaissance: Reclaiming the Lost Virtue of Nobility. Listen to Carrie’s solo episode of TRC on grief here. Listen to Carrie’s podcast, Carrie On.   Resources for Kait: Keep up with Kait at heartofdating.com and on IG at @kaitness and @heartofdating. Check out Kait’s book, Thank You For Rejecting Me. Listen to Kait’s solo episodes of TRC on dropping the hanky, online dating and rejection. Listen to Kait’s podcast, The Heart of Dating. The countdown is ON for my book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex. It’s coming out in just over a month and you can still pre-order! It would mean so much to me if you did. Head over to sexlessinthecitybook.com to grab your copy!    For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… how to get over a breakup and what it’s really like to date as a person with a public platform. There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up!

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   This week is a solo show— just you and me, babe! This could potentially be a 5-part series, but I wanted to see how you liked it first because your opinion matters in all things TRC, friend! This is a community and you have a voice. So DM me on IG, email me, comment over on Patreon...and let me know if you want more of this series!   As the title suggests… Strong women run in my DNA.    My dad’s mother, my Gaw Gaw, was a realtor and business owner. She was always starting new business ventures in the 60s.    My mom’s mother, my grandma, was a stay at home mom and traveled all over the world. She primarily solo raised her four children because her husband, my grandfather, was always off in wars. She was also an incredible artist who would sketch fashion for brands and newspapers.   My own mom is a fiery, passionate, opinionated woman. When my parents got divorced and she didn’t have a college degree, she took care of and provided for her four children almost single-handedly with a part-time job working retail and teaching herself how to invest into the stock market.   I am a strong woman. If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you know that I am a woman of strength. I do not hide in the shadows. I am out there and I have things to say.    But for so long, my femininity has felt like a liability. Both in my work and in church.   It almost felt as though to be a Christian I had to downplay who God created me to be: a strong, opinionated, loud, leader of a woman.   I played the game for a long time. But I finally got to a point where I wanted to search the scriptures for myself and figure out if there’s another option other than what society and church tells me my femininity is.   So today I want to explore Hannah’s story in the Bible.   Hannah’s Legacy 1 Samuel 1:19 // “And God remembered Hannah” Hannah’s debut in the Bible is a declaration of her barrenness— her infertility is a tender part of her story. And she lived in a time where women had no rights. Marriage’s rooted in love, honor, and respect were not a thing. Her pain became enmeshed in her identity. What if your biggest heartbreak, your biggest source of shame and insecurity is the thing you were known for and your own family made fun of you for it? Maybe you’ve lived this pain. Hannah would offer sacrifices to the Hebrew God. She would weep and cry out to God for a child. Instead of shaming her, Eli blesses her and prays with her for her miracle. She doesn’t get immediately pregnant, but this experience lifted the fog of depression she was experiencing.  She went on to have 6 children. She named her first child Samuel, which means “God heard.”   God hears us. He is moved to compassion and action on our behalf. Our prayers don’t go into the abyss.   Some questions to reflect on: What’s the most painful part of your story?  What would it feel like for that to be what you’re known for? In what ways do you think Hannah exhibits strength as a woman? In what ways is Hannah’s femininity her greatest asset? What is the thing in your life you are begging God for? The breakthrough that feels impossible.   Lay out the cries of your heart before God. Resources Listen to TRC Ep 048: How to Praise Before Our Breakthrough here. If you liked this episode, let me know! I would love to share more of this series if you’re interested. Slide into my DMs or leave a review on iTunes sharing your thoughts! The countdown is ON for my book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex. It’s coming out in just over a month and you can still pre-order! It would mean so much to me if you did. Head over to sexlessinthecitybook.com to grab your copy!    Whether it’s taking a walk around your neighborhood, running errands, or venturing out on your own, you always want to feel safe. With Birdie, you can keep doing what you love with added peace of mind. Birdie is a personal safety alarm that is easy to carry and simple to use. You can get 15% off your first purchase when you go to ShesBirdie.com/refined.   For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… doubting my faith and my fertility journey. There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up!

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Dr. Christie Kederian is a psychologist and a former eHarmony matchmaker. She now offers coaching from everything to life, career, and dating/relationships. You may recognize her from when she took over my Instagram stories a while back. We talk about our reactions to Indian Matchmaking on Netflix, the science behind compatibility, removing the pressure from dating, and best practices for online dating.   “You can find two people who look like they could be a good match on paper… but we can’t predict all the factors because we’re dealing with people.” The science behind compatibility  Dr. Niel Clark Warren started eHarmony and researched the 29 dimensions of compatibility.    “Even though they say opposites attract, often it’s people who are really similar in very important ways that end up having and creating long lasting love in a relationship.”   Consider... How are we similar in important ways? Personality tests like the Myers Briggs. The 2nd and 3rd letters in your Myers Briggs are a reflection of your internal world. The more these pieces are in alignment, the more compatible you are. Don’t look for someone to complete you and fill in the missing pieces.   Let’s talk about spark and chemistry   “Ladies, if it’s peaceful it’s marriage material. If it’s got ‘I wonder if he’s going to text me back today’ energy; it’s trauma not yet healed.”   The #1 way to know if he’s the one for you: if he’s been consistent over time. Know what is triggering your attachment style and learn to show up in wholeness Notice where your mind is going and journal through and process what old narratives or traumas it is bringing up for you. If you are seeking clarity, don’t be afraid to check in and talk about it— no matter how early on it is in the relationship. Clarity allows you to move forward and act out of a non-triggered place. Notice patterns and then clarify. Are you making stories in your mind and acting on assumption?   Dating is a curb, not a cliff You can date someone with integrity without fantasizing about the wedding on the first date and expecting full commitment from them immediately. Get clear on what you want and then surrender to the process. If 2020 taught me anything, it’s that I don’t have as much control as I think. Maybe you’re not getting naked with them physically, but are you getting naked emotionally on the first date? There is no shortcut to intimacy.    “It’s ok to be dating and just be dating.” Not every relationship has to be exclusive.     Dating apps best practices   “The dating app is a tool; it’s more about how you use the tool rather than what’s the perfect app.”   Hinge, Bumble, and Coffee Meets Bagel are all great. Give different apps a try. If you’re in a bigger city, use the silver bullet swipe method. What’s the most important quality you’re looking for? Stick with the app that you feel comfortable being consistent on.   Resources Keep up with Dr. Christie at DrChristieKederian.com and on IG at @thedatedoctorchristie. Download Dr. Christie’s free guide: 3 Proven Dating Profile Upgrades.  Check out Dr. Christie’s Instagram post we chat about. Join the waitlist for Dr. Christie's Fall in Love Course here.     The countdown is ON for my book, Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex. It’s coming out in just a few weeks and you can still pre-order! It would mean so much to me if you did. Head over to bit.ly/kat-sexless to grab your copy!   We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test. Real talk… After spending a whole pandemic in sweatpants, I decided to freshen up my wardrobe so I have been shopping and selling on Curtsy. I love it because they have the coolest pieces at thrift store prices. It has my favorite brands like Lululemon, Zara, and Levi’s at up to 70% off. If you want a sustainable way to get your favorite brands delivered to your door, download the Curtsy app and use promo code REFINED for 15% off your first order.

Demetria Stallings is the founder of Letters of the Heart, a nonprofit ministry with the mission of empowering individuals to understand their true identity and purpose. She is also a speaker, worship leader, artist, and purpose coach! We talk about how to identify if you’re stuck in the trauma of your past, how to begin the process of looking inward, and practical steps you can take right now so that your past doesn’t haunt you.   “Any journey starts by looking inward.” - Kat   The past will haunt you   “I have many times over recreated the pain of my past because I wasn’t willing to look at it.” - Kat   Demetria shares her experience of going through divorce 12 years ago and how it enabled fear to creep its way into her dating life.   “These patterns started happening when I would meet certain guys… it would be in this cycle of me not feeling worthy and so because I wasn’t worthy, I constantly was okay with behaviors that were not good for me.” - Demetria     How to identify if you’re stuck in the trauma of your past ALWAYS/NEVER statements. A Refusal to look inward. You spot it you got it. When the crime doesn’t fit the punishment.   “Make a choice. Just decide. What it's gonna be, who you're gonna be, how you're gonna do it. Just decide.” - Will Smith   How to begin the process of looking inward Get curious. Notice. Invest.  Be intentional. Get support. Go to God. Sit in stillness.   Practical steps you can take right now Week: Decide what is going to change in your life. Month: Put steps in place to move forward. Have a friend who will hold you accountable. Year: Set a goal and establish a celebration.   “You have the strength to say yes. There is courage inside of you. You are not a cat. You are a lioness.” - Demetria   Resources Keep up with Demetria at DemetriaStallings.com and on IG at @demetria.stallings. Check out Demetria’s nonprofit Letters of the Heart. Check out Demetria’s music on Apple Music and Spotify. Check out Demetria’s new course, Living a Prophetic Life. Sign up for coaching with Demetria here. Did you know I’m releasing a book this April? It’s called Sexless in the City. I truly believe it will encourage and equip you to navigate faith, desire, intimacy, and relationships free from shame and fear and with a holistic and Biblical vision. I would be so grateful if you snagged a copy. You can pre-order it right now anywhere you buy books. When you pre-order, make sure you email [email protected] because I would love to send you some free goodies and resources as a thank you.   I really value the Patreon community that helps keep this podcast a possibility for me. So in addition to the other rewards, I started filming weekly videos exclusively for my supporters on Patreon. It’s basically like we’re just sitting on the couch having some real talk. I feel comfortable sharing more intimate details of my life over there since it’s a smaller community. So head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to get access to videos like “Doubting My Faith,” “My Fertility Journey,” “New Home Tour,” and so much more. 

This week I am talking with host of the Heart of Dating Podcast, and author of Thank You For Rejecting Me… Kait Warman! Kait is a dear friend of mine and if you’ve been listening to the podcast for a while, you know that she has been on the podcast before talking about dropping the hanky and how to online date like a boss. Today, in honor of her book, we are opening up about some of our own personal experiences with rejection.   Rejection isn’t always romantic It’s important to acknowledge all the ways you’re actually rejecting yourself. Self-hatred is probably appearing in your life in subtle ways.   “I will not stay, not ever again - in a room or conversation or relationship or institution that requires me to abandon myself.” - Glennon Doyle, Untamed   I reflect on an experience where I felt rejected in a friendship recently over quarantine.   “I believed the narratives that other people put on me and then I rejected myself.” - Kat   Kait reflects on a moment where she received grace and forgiveness from a guy, but she never offered herself that same grace and forgiveness.   Rejection is protection Sometimes our biggest heartbreaks help us realize past traumas and hurts that we haven’t healed or even acknowledged.   “I need to not give scraps of love to myself. I need to give myself the full bucket of love.” - Kait   Kait reflects on a vision God gave her where she was going through the wilderness and found herself at a castle where she saw the guy she was dating. But God was calling her further and this man wasn’t leaving the castle. God was leading her to something more but she had to keep moving and growing.   “I’m so glad He didn’t give me what I wanted... There was so much He wanted me to adventure to beyond that.” - Kait   The “no”s hurt, even when they’re for your greater good.   Resources You can keep up with Kait at heartofdating.com and on IG at @kaitness and @heartofdating. Listen to Kait’s podcast, Heart of Dating, here. Check out Kait’s other episodes of The Refined Collective here and here. Order Kait’s brand new book, Thank You For Rejecting Me, here! Check out Glennon Doyle’s book, Untamed, here.   Did you know I’m releasing a book this April? It’s called Sexless in the City. I truly believe it will encourage and equip you to navigate faith, desire, intimacy, and relationships free from shame and fear and with a holistic and Biblical vision. I would be so grateful if you snagged a copy. You can pre-order it right now anywhere you buy books. When you pre-order, make sure you email [email protected] because I would love to send you some free goodies and resources as a thank you.   I really value the Patreon community that helps keep this podcast a possibility for me. So in addition to the other rewards, I started filming weekly videos exclusively for my supporters on Patreon. It’s basically like we’re just sitting on the couch having some real talk. I feel comfortable sharing more intimate details of my life over there since it’s a smaller community. So head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to get access to videos like “Doubting My Faith,” “My Fertility Journey,” “New Home Tour,” and so much more.    Real talk… After spending a whole pandemic in sweatpants, I decided to freshen up my wardrobe so I have been shopping and selling on Curtsy. I love it because they have the coolest pieces at thrift store prices. It has my favorite brands like Lululemon, Zara, and Levi’s at up to 70% off. If you want a sustainable way to get your favorite brands delivered to your door, download the Curtsy app and use promo code REFINED for 15% off your first order.

Adam “AD” Thomason is the author of Permission to Be Black: My Journey with Jay-Z and Jesus and the founder of I Am Red Rev and Red Rev Media. You know I love talking about Jay-Z and Jesus. We also talk about everything from blackness to healing past trauma to debunking unhealthy narratives from evangelical culture.   “I am writing this book to redefine Blackness and establish a new ‘Black Card,’ so to speak. Carriers of this car will no longer be ashamed of admitting that past traumas have hurt them….Trauma isn’t just war flashbacks. It’s having to raise your siblings because you were fatherless. It’s have to raise yourself because your mother was dealing with her own crises. It’s having a father who left you and your siblings at home while he roamed the streets looking for a fix. It’s being neglected because you were raised by a single parent who dealt with their trauma in silence.” -AD Thomason, Permission to Be Black   Permission to Be Black AD reflects on how as a Black man, he felt he didn’t have the permission to heal from his past and process his humanity. AD opens up about how the Black experience is intertwined with the idea of endurance and surviving. Has a survivor mentality kept you from experiencing abundance?   Living a Life of Endurance   “Marriage was the only thing that grounded me to say, ‘Adam, you can’t endure this thing. Either this thing is going to be about an imperfect joy you should have or this mentality of endurance is gonna crush you.’” -AD   The Problem with Avoidance   “Until we’re internally motivated, then we’re not going to be free from our addictions or the shoulds and the shouldn’ts.” -Kat     Confessions of an Ex-Evangelical: AD’s last book was about leaving the Evangelical Church in order to find Jesus. AD reflects on the trauma of having to shrink himself in every way in the church.   “In the end, they miss out on expanding their congregation’s mind to see the expression of God.” -AD “I believe Blackness is an expression of God; it’s an expression of humanity… To shun it is to shun God.” -AD     Resources Keep up with AD’s work at I Am Red Rev and Red Rev Media. Follow AD on Instagram at @redrev. Buy AD’s book, Permission to Be Black: My Journey with Jay-Z and Jesus. Check out AD’s book Confessions of an Ex-Evangelical: Why I left Christianity and started practicing Jesus. Check out Dawntoya Thomason’s podcast, Something to Offer. Research Jalen Rose and Grant Hill and see how Blackness was defined for these two men.   To honor Black History Month, I am spending time this month talking about companies and organizations that I love that are run and founded by Black men and women. This week, I want to share about Elevate NY, a non-profit with a mission to build long-term life-changing relationships with the youth in the South Bronx, the most underserved congressional district in the nation. Go to ElevateNewYork.org to find out how you can get involved. Whether it’s taking a walk around your neighborhood, running errands, or venturing out on your own, you always want to feel safe. With Birdie, you can keep doing what you love with added peace of mind. Birdie is a personal safety alarm that is easy to carry and simple to use. You can get 15% off your first purchase when you go to ShesBirdie.com/refined.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!! As someone who speaks openly about dating, I get a lot of people sliding into my DMs either asking where all of the single Godly guys are or complaining that chivalry is dead. So I am going to do a deep dive on the topic. Full disclosure: this episode was supposed to be with a guest, but about an hour before our scheduled interview the guest reached out and explained that they felt our messages were out of alignment. I wanted to share this with you because I believe that The Refined Collective is a place where we don’t have to agree. We aren’t meant to live in an echo chamber. We can build bridges with people who don’t believe the things we believe. It’s healthy and okay to not have the same views on everything. You are welcome here regardless of what you do or do not believe. I have open arms for you.   What comes to mind when you think of chivalry? Jane Austen (I’m partial to the Keira Knightley Pride & Prejudice) Dropping the hanky, whether that means literally dropping the hanky or swooning (anyone else watching Bridgerton on Netflix?)  Dropping the hanky looks different in 2021, but there are still ways to give a guy the green light to pursue you. Back to Bridgerton, women (teenage girls, really) were held to a different standard than the men when it came to marriage (and pretty much everything else too).   Things to consider: When was the last time you experienced chivalry? As women, are we giving mixed messages?   How can we encourage chivalry  Invitation vs. Demand. Verbal affirmation. Thank you goes a long way. Ask for support. Lead with vulnerability.   Resources Check out the episode I did with Kait Warman all about dropping the hanky here. Are you interested in an Ask Kat series on the podcast? Email questions you want Kat to answer on air to [email protected]. The questions can be about anything and everything!   I was tired of hearing male pastors preach about waiting until marriage for sex when they had gotten married in their early 20s and had no idea what it was really like to date in today’s culture! I wanted to hear from someone in my shoes— so I wrote a book! It’s called Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex and it’s coming out in April 2021! Head over to bit.ly/kat-sexless to pre-order now! Then email [email protected] so I can send you some free resources as a thank you!   To honor Black History Month, I am spending time this month talking about companies and organizations that I love that are run and founded by Black men and women. This week, I want to share about the Equal Justice Initiative, a private nonprofit organization that provides legal representation to people who have been illegally convicted, unfairly sentenced, or abused in state jails and prisons. They challenge the death penalty and excessive punishment and provide re-entry assistance to formerly incarcerated people. Go to EJI.org to find out how you can get involved.   For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… how to answer the question “why are you still single?” How to know if your standards are too high. And an update on my dating life. YUP! There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up!

Friendly warning: We will be talking about delicate topics today so if you have little ears around you, maybe pop in those headphones or give it a listen when you have some alone time!   I have the honor of talking with Tiffany Bluhm this week (her second time on the podcast— listen to our conversation about consent here) and we are doing a deep dive into some real talk this week. We’re discussing what we’ve been taught about our roles as women, both in culture AND in the church. Specifically, Ephesians 5 and how it has been taken out of context and weaponized to silence women.   What happens when women hold power?   “When women are in power, everyone wins— not just women.” “The patriarchy has no roots in the gospel… not one. But we’ve weaponized both the old and new testament to convince us otherwise.”   Tiffany and I both share our experiences and what we’ve been taught by the church about our roles as women. The chasm between the God of the bible and the church narratives Moments when women are empowered in the Bible Solomon’s wife in the Song of Songs Queen Esther in the Old Testament Ruth proposing to Boaz Proverbs 31 Lydia in the New Testament Unfortunately, there are also moments of the patriarchy at its peak Tamar or Hagar in the Old Testament   The sexualization of women   “The most neglected person in America is the black woman.” - Malcolm X   Women are sexualized from an alarmingly young age.  “Only girls’ fashions urge body consciousness at the very youngest ages. . . . Preschoolers worship Disney princesses, characters whose eyes are larger than their waists. No one is trying to convince eleven-year-old boys to wear itty-bitty booty shorts or bare their bellies in the middle of winter. . . . The pressure on young women to reduce their worth to their bodies and to see those bodies as a collection of parts that exist for others’ pleasure” and “to continuously monitor their appearance” - Peggy Orenstein, Girls and Sex Most girls will be sexually harassed by the time they are in middle school.   Ephesians 5:21-5:33 This scripture passage has been weaponized to oppress women.   “It’s dangerous to take things out of context.”   Women were treated as property in that time— Paul was quoting the cultural expectations for that time. It’s important to note that it also mentions that men should lay down their lives for her. To love her. That was radical. When we contextualize it, Ephesians 5 is an invitation for mutual love and support.   “Look what can happen when women and men work together, when you really see each other as equals. Look at the world you can create together… What if we could flourish together?”     Resources Keep up with Tiffany at TiffanyBluhm.com and on IG at @tiffanybluhm.  Pre-order Tiffany’s book, Prey Tell: Why We Silence Women Who Tell the Truth and How Everyone Can Speak Up, here. Check out Tiffany’s previous books, Never Alone and She Dreams. Listen to the podcast Tiffany co-hosts with Ashley Abercrombie, Why Tho? Check out Tiffany’s reel we chat about here. Check out Tiffany’s first episode of The Refined Collective here.   To honor Black History Month, I am spending time this month talking about companies and organizations that I love that are run and founded by Black men and women. This week, I want to share about Elevate NY, a non-profit with a mission to build long-term life-changing relationships with the youth in the South Bronx, the most underserved congressional district in the nation. Go to ElevateNewYork.org to find out how you can get involved.   For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… how to answer the question “why are you still single?” How to know if your standards are too high. And an update on my dating life. YUP! There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up! We invest large amounts of money into our careers. But with things like love, we think “It’ll happen when it happens,” and with things like kids, we think “I’ll think about that down the road.” What if we were just as intentional about our reproductive health as we are our careers? Modern Fertility is an easy way to test your fertility with an at-home test at a fraction of the cost. Go to ModernFertility.com/refined for $20 off your fertility test.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Hannah Brencher is the author of Fighting Forward, a TED speaker, and the founder of The World Needs More Love Letters. Also… she was named as one of the White House’s “Women Working to Do Good.” Major! She shares the story of how she met her husband and some dating stories that will help you get creative. Plus, she helps us unpack some major questions to understand where we want to be in 5 years and how we can actually get there.   Get creative with online dating We all want to have a rom-com meet cute, but we have to be open to the other possibilities.    “We become so attached to a Hollywood version of love and then we put spiritual language around it…”   We’re living in a hookup culture where people have forgotten what real dating looks like without ghosting. Remove the pressure from dating: date just to learn how to date if you need to.   Finishing strong   “I don’t think all closure comes in the form of meeting up in a coffee shop and talking your feelings to death. If I’m always waiting on that other person to give me what I want... that’s not closure; that’s me still being on the hook. We can give ourselves closure and we should.”   Ask yourself why you’re looking for closure. Are you texting him hoping he’ll respond or because you actually will feel better having communicated it?   What do you want your life to look like 5 years from now? Is there a chasm between what you say you want and how you are living?   “You built this life that you’re living right now. You’re not the victim in your life.”   Ask yourself: What patterns and behaviors aren’t working for you? How can you actively shift them to live differently? Is the way you’re spending your time and resources reflecting your priorities? Start small and find little ways to shift your priorities. When someone comes along, you’ll be prepared for that.   Resources Keep up with Hannah at HannahBrencherCreative.com, on IG at @hannahbrencher, and on FB at @HannahBrencherSheats. Buy Hannah’s book, Fighting Forward, on her website or on Amazon. Check out Hannah’s episode of Meditative Story. Check out the book we chat about: Start by John Acuff.   I recently launched a new resource on my shop! I get hundreds of questions every day over DMs asking for personal advice or coaching. It’s so hard to keep up with and I just can’t commit to answering all of them. But I know an hour long coaching call is a big financial commitment. So now you can ask a coaching question and get an audio message response from me! Go to therefinedwoman.com/shop to check it out. I was tired of hearing male pastors preach about waiting until marriage for sex when they had gotten married in their early 20s and had no idea what it was really like to date in today’s culture! I wanted to hear from someone in my shoes— so I wrote a book! It’s called Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex and it’s coming out in April 2021! Head over to bit.ly/kat-sexless to pre-order now! AND email [email protected] with a copy of your receipt so I can make sure you get some surprise goodies.

A few years ago, author Ruthie Lindsey and I spoke at the same conference. I only knew her from online, but I remember hearing her story that day and being gutted by the pain and loss that she has experienced in her life. You can read about her experience in her book, There I Am. (I read it in two days and cannot recommend it enough.) During this conversation, we dive into some deep topics:  What if you’re in a leadership position, but don’t know if you believe anymore? What does it mean to struggle with your faith?  What does it mean to be a people pleaser?  What does it mean to be a Christian in today’s culture?  How do we become an ally in the Black Lives Matter Movement?   Who am I… really? I share how at 35, I feel like I’m just starting to see who I truly am and not trying to fit into a version of myself that I thought I should be. Ruthie shares how she saw her brother get in trouble a lot when she was little and so she made a conscious decision to always please others.   “I found so much value and worth in what anyone outside of me thought of me.”   This caused her to feel disconnected and unable to process hard things.    “I wasn’t allowed to show anger or hurt or rage or disappointment. Those things were not becoming of a young Christian sweet girl. I pushed all that stuff down.”     Struggling in faith…  Ruthie reflects on the moments she felt abandoned by her faith and recognizes that she was surrounded by love in those moments.   “All the traumatic things are crucial ingredients to get there.”   I share how I thought I was unworthy and broken without Jesus. It was only in the last 6 or 7 years that I have given myself permission to learn more about God. God is not going to be threatened by my doubts.   “Don’t just take everything that these preachers have given to you. Go within. Everything is about calling us home.”   God invites us to look inward and question things.   “You are so good and worthy and inherently divinely needed on this planet. You have a medicine that no one else here can give but you and that all comes from going within.”     “I feel like our healing journey, our awakening journey, is way more of an unlearning and a remembering. It’s an uncovering of what’s always been there. We don’t need to try and become someone we’re not, it’s remembering who we’ve always been.”   How to be a true ally… Before you can love and see another person, you have to love and see yourself. So do the inner work.   “The 13th amendment was passed a long time ago and it didn’t change people’s hearts… Going inward, doing this unlearning… that’s what changes our hearts. Until everyone is seen as equal, our work isn’t done.”   Ruthie talks about and reflects on moments when she has been complicit and recognizes where she is growing in this journey moving forward.   “I feel a fire in me to do better.”     Resources Keep up with Ruthie at RuthieLindsey.com and join her email list, on IG @ruthielindsey, and on FB at @ruthielindseyspeaker. Buy Ruthie’s book, There I Am: The Journey From Hopelessness to Healing. Check out the book club she started with Jedidiah Jenkins. Listen to Jedidiah Jenkins on The Refined Collective Podcast. Listen to the Unspoken Podcast, which Ruthie co-hosts. If you need resources to learn more about the Black Lives Matter movement, listen to this episode here.   For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… how to answer the question “why are you still single?” How to know if your standards are too high. And an update on my dating life. YUP! There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up!   I was tired of hearing male pastors preach about waiting until marriage for sex when they had gotten married in their early 20s and had no idea what it was really like to date in today’s culture! I wanted to hear from someone in my shoes— so I wrote a book! It’s called Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex and it’s coming out in April 2021! Head over to bit.ly/kat-sexless to pre-order now!

Afton Vechery is the founder and CEO of Modern Fertility. If you’ve been around for a while, you know we’ve talked about fertility a few times on the podcast. If you’re thinking “I’m not trying to have kids yet,” “I’m focusing on my career right now,” or “I don’t even know if I want to have kids,” you should still care about your reproductive health! And Afton is here to help break it down for you!   Reasons to track your cycle: If you’re trying to get pregnant If you have irregular cycles If you’re getting off of birth control So you can understand your unique cycle To get to know + be connected to your body  Knowledge is power!!   The Fertility Information Gap   “It was so empowering… Women were demanding more information about their bodies so they could make the decisions that were right for them.”   Most of the information out there is about preventing pregnancy and is very fear-based— there was a gap in fertility information so Modern Fertility filled that space. Fertility just isn’t a priority until we start having issues conceiving.  Egg-freezing, IVF, hormonal birth control and kids may not be for everyone, but information is for everyone.   AMH Testing 101 I share my own AMH test level results that were shocking to me. How often should you test your AMH? 1-2x a year AMH levels remain consistent throughout the cycle, but FSH (follicle stimulating hormones) + estradiol change throughout your cycle. Because of this, you should use the test on day 3 of your cycle.   “We wanted to take these tests that are largely confined to infertility clinics and make them mainstream.”     3 Ways to jumpstart your fertility journey: BE OPEN: Be willing to look into this + start talking and researching fertility. “This is an area of our health that’s changing.” Get up to speed with the basics. Be proactive vs. reactive.   “Have a conversation about fertility. Fertility is a part of reproductive health and reproductive health is just a part of our general health.”   Resources Check out Modern Fertility at ModernFertility.com and on IG at @modernfertility. Check out the really cool timeline feature on their site here. Learn more about Modern Fertility’s pregnancy and ovulation testing here! If you have any questions, feel free to email [email protected]! Hear my own fertility journey on Patreon here. I was tired of hearing male pastors preach about waiting until marriage for sex when they had gotten married in their early 20s and had no idea what it was really like to date in today’s culture! I wanted to hear from someone in my shoes— so I wrote a book! It’s called Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex and it’s coming out in April 2021! Head over to bit.ly/kat-sexless to pre-order now! For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… how to answer the question “why are you still single?” How to know if your standards are too high. And an update on my dating life. YUP! There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up! A special thanks to the Patreon community! Especially our new supporters: Andra, William E, Cassidy S, Liliana R, Trisha R, Tate B, Katie E, and Brittany A. We are so so grateful for you!

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   If you’ve been listening to The Refined Collective for a long time, you’ll remember that this week’s guest is actually a repeat guest! Jasmine Star was on the podcast back on episode 009: Chasing Your Why: Career Pivots for the Creative Entrepreneur. This time, we’re talking about Jasmine’s decade-long journey to adopting her daughter.   Adoption: Shifting perspectives Jasmine and her husband JD were in very different spots when they began their adoption journey.  Jasmine reflects on the moment she and her husband became involved with the foster system. You can volunteer with communities like National Angels and CASA to show children in the foster system that they are loved. They ultimately adopted through a private adoption facilitated by lawyers.   “There are so many children who just need love and there’s people who are kind good souls who are saying ‘Well, you’re here with us. We’re going to love you.’”     The fears after adoption   “Am I brave enough to be vulnerable to love somebody who may look at me in the face and say ‘you are not my mom’ or ‘I don’t love you.’”   It’s a microcosm of loving in general: to open yourself up to love and unbelievable joy, you have to be open to the fear and potential heartache. Resources Keep up with Jasmine Star at JasmineStar.com and on IG at @jasminestar. Check out Jasmine Star’s first episode of The Refined Collective here. Listen to Jasmine’s twin sister Bianca Olthoff on The Refined Collective here. Tune into Jasmine’s podcast, The Jasmine Star Show. Check out the foster care communities National Angels and CASA. Check out the conversation I had with Ashley Abercrombie about bring pro-life from womb to tomb.   For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… how to answer the question “why are you still single?” How to know if your standards are too high. And an update on my dating life. YUP! There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up!   We’re told that we should pray for our future husbands— it makes sense, right? The problem is: nobody ever teaches us how. My friend Stephanie May Wilson created the Every Single Moment Prayer Journal to help with exactly that. It is 100 powerful guided prayers and prompts to help you savor the present and prepare for the future. Go to bit.ly/kat-singlemoment and use code KAT for 15% off your order.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Anthony O’Neal is a financial expert who has served Ramsay Solutions since 2015. I was on his YouTube show, “The Table,” back in 2020, which you can check out here! I am so thrilled to have Anthony on the podcast and so excited to be talking about money. We talk about money and singleness, debt, mindset, and the narratives we grew up believing about money.    Plus: What’s the BEST way to get out of debt? And how can you save and grow money once you’re out of debt?   $30K in Debt + Lookin’ for a Financial Savior A few years ago, I was in $30K debt and praying for a financially stable man.  A deal breaker for me was if a guy was in debt. But THERE I was rolling in debt.  I wasn’t holding myself to the same standard of what I was looking for in a partner. So I committed to getting out of debt. Don’t look for someone with no debt, look for someone who is in the same healthy money mindset.   3 Things You Can Do to Start a Path Towards Freedom   “Speak what you seek until you see what you spoke.”  Say “I want to be debt free” every morning.   Stop borrowing money.  If you’re tired of this lifestyle, do something about it. Get a clear vision.  Why do you want to be out of debt? Debt snowball method at daveramsey.com/hope.  A step by step process on how to get out of debt, create an emergency fund, and start investing.   The #1 Asset You Have Is Your Mindset  What are you looking for by spending money? What are you looking for it to satisfy in you? Avoid being the “I’m gonna” person and actually do it.   Wanna Be Out of Debt by the End of 2021? Yearly vision: getting out of debt by the end of 2021. Break that down into monthly goals. Breath that down even further into daily habits.  Every day contributes to your ultimate vision.   Out of Debt… What Next? The insecurity hits: “Oh no, I don’t have any savings.” Emergency Fund In case of emergencies, you have this reserve. If you live in an expensive city, save three months of expenses.  Let the money sit there Invest money Talk to a financial advisor if you can (check out anthonyoneal.com/experts for a list of people who have been vetted by Anthony and Dave Ramsey). Save into a 401k. Let the money grow.   Fast Math If you make 5k a month, your rent/mortgage shouldn’t be more than 25% of your take home pay. With a rent/mortgage of $1,250 and living expenses totaling $750, that makes $2,000. You should have $6,000 in your savings.   Resources Keep up with Anthony at anthonyoneal.com and on IG at @anthonyoneal. Check out my interview with Anthony on his YouTube channel here. Buy Anthony’s books here: The Graduate Survival Guide, Debt-Free Degree, and Destroy Your Student Loan Debt Check out the list of experts who have been vetted by Anthony O’Neal and Dave Ramsey here.   I wrote a book! It’s called Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex and it’s coming out in April 2021! I would love to keep you updated on all things book related (from book to to book launch team, to future events God willing)! Head to bit.ly/trw-book to get all the info.   We’re told that we should pray for our future husbands— it makes sense, right? The problem is: nobody ever teaches us how. My friend Stephanie May Wilson created the Every Single Moment Prayer Journal to help with exactly that. It is 100 powerful guided prayers and prompts to help you savor the present and prepare for the future. Go to bit.ly/kat-singlemoment and use code KAT for 15% off your order.

I’ve been putting off this episode because I’ve wanted to create something exciting + inspiring as we head into a new year. But if I’m being honest, I’m exhausted and burnt out. I feel like I crawled to the finish line of 2020. In that, as much as I want to move forward and forget about 2020, I can’t. Before we can move on to a new year, before we can cast new vision, we have to pause, and LOOK BACKWARDS BEFORE MOVING FORWARD.   The Class I do this workout called The Class by Taryn Toomey—it’s yoga meets cardio meets therapy. What I love about the class is that Taryn understands that the physical is never just about the physical, but an invitation to the spiritual.  The beginning of a path towards growth + breakthrough begins when we leave our comfort zone—and leaving our comfort zone is UNCOMFORTABLE.  When all I want to do is quit (+ sometimes I do)—it never fails—I always quit within the last few beats + it makes me wonder in what other areas of my life do I almost get to the finish line + want to sit down? And sometimes I don’t and surprise myself at how strong I am.    2020 Reflection Questions: What does discomfort teach you? What did 2020 teach you? What did this global interruption bring up for you personally? What did the discomfort show you about yourself? What are you like in conflict? How do you respond when things don’t go your way? What lessons could you not have learned about who you are if you didn’t go through 2020? What is the one lesson going into 2021 that you want to take with you?   My lessons from 2020: I am not in control. I never was. A big theme for me this year is this: trust and surrender. Especially in dating. (You can listen to my episode all about those lessons here.) I can listen to my body. My body has been screaming at me for a long long time, and I made a drastic change recently when I heard a whisper from God…”When are you going to start listening? Your body is speaking truth to you.” And so I left my home of 7 years and moved out of New York. Nobody can tell me how long my grieving process should be. I walked through one of the most painful grieving processes of my life in 2020. It was hard to balance professional commitments with the grief of personal loss.   “For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?   But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?   How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time.”  - C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed   Will it be for always?   I remembered the squats from The Class. Everything is temporary. Discomfort, frustration, and pain aren’t the end.    God is committed to making all things new. And that means all the things.   My tattoo “Selah” // inhale se- exhale lah It’s a Hebrew word used in the poetry book of the psalms in the old testament of the Bible.  It reminds me of a yoga class—the savasana: the final resting pose. What’s rest got to do with working out + getting stronger? Perhaps everything. Perhaps the growth happens in the being. In the being still and the surrender.  The psalmist says, ‘Be still and know that I am God’—not DO MORE + TO PROVE MORE + EARN MY LOVE…the invitation is to be. But the surrender feels uncomfortable. It’s in the being + in the surrender that our hearts have the space to process, to feel, to grieve.   All I want to do is move on from last year and have 2020 be the year that must not be named. But 2020 did happen. The entire world shutdown + it sucked— it sucks—and I walked through some of the deepest heartaches of my life this past summer…and I’ve cried until there were no tears left—and somehow another wave would come. I’ve grieved deeply, processed…and now I'm ready for it to be over. I'm ready for the breakthrough…no more breaking please—I'm ready for the breakthrough. But I wonder if part of the breakthrough is having the courage to be in it, sit in it, feel all the feels—like an ocean wave—let it wash over us, look back through it, dissect it, ask it—what are you trying to teach me? Before we move on, what if we stayed a little while longer + squeezed out all the learning that it has for us?    So maybe don’t rush out of this place. trusting that it won’t last forever + that God is making all things new + that the growth begins when we step into the discomfort + we must move through it to the other side…can you pause? Can you be? Can you be still. Can you be still and know. Can you be still and know that God is God? Breathe into it.   
Spend some time looking back before moving forward. Your breakthrough is coming—but first there must be a breaking + it’s not often we get to experience such a collective breaking. But it makes me hopeful that God wants to do something new in you, in me, in them, in us.   Here’s to 2021.   Resources Check out C.S. Lewis’s book A Grief Observed. Pre-order my book, Sexless in the City, here! Listen to the lessons I learned about dating in 2020 here. Email [email protected] with a copy of your receipt if you pre-ordered my book so I can make sure you get some surprise goodies. (Also, email [email protected] if you want to be on my book launch team as an ambassador!)    For $5/month, you can get access to exclusive video content for Patreon subscribers. Like… how to answer the question “why are you still single?” How to know if your standards are too high. And an update on my dating life. YUP! There will be a new video every week just for Patreon subscribers. Don’t miss out! Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to learn more and sign up!   I was tired of hearing male pastors preach about waiting until marriage for sex when they had gotten married in their early 20s and had no idea what it was really like to date in today’s culture! I wanted to hear from someone in my shoes— so I wrote a book! It’s called Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex and it’s coming out in April 2021! Head over to bit.ly/kat-sexless to pre-order now!

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   2020 has changed… everything. On all levels. But what I want to focus on in this episode is how dating has changed. You may have found that dating this year has maybe been really frustrating for you or really life-changing and beautiful. Either way, it is teaching some lessons we can carry into 2021 and I’m here for it.   Socially-distanced dating Did you ever think you’d consider FaceTime dates with a complete stranger? Hinge and Bumble are actively telling their users to have video calls. You can resist the change or you can embrace it. Honesty hour: they haven’t worked all that well for me. BUT it CAN! I have a friend who met a guy pre-quarantine, had FaceTime dates then socially distanced dates, and now 8 months later THEY’RE MARRIED! There’s an opportunity here to take things slow. You can get to know a person outside of the physical.    Are Politics a Deal Breaker? It’s no secret that I’m not a fan of Trump. If you like and voted for Trump, hear me,  I do not hate you. In fact, I think it’s important we build bridges of connection. However, if I meet a man who thinks Trump is an incredible man of honor? Then our values are out of alignment and what is important to us does not match up. And that is important to me in a relationship.   I can trust my gut My whole life, I was taught not to trust myself. By family, by college athletic trainers, by the church, I was told I’m dramatic, I should ignore what my body is telling me, and my heart is deceitful.  I’ve learned that I do have discernment. My body is good and my intuition speaks to me. Ephesians 2:10 “poiema” // We are the poetry of God. God doesn’t make bad things. How does this relate to dating? If there are no big red flags in dating, I think it’s smart to give a guy a chance for three dates. It takes time to get to know a person! BUT I do think it’s important to trust your gut. There’s a balance here: it doesn’t have to be “either or.” It can be a “both and.” Be gracious and open, but take yellow flags into consideration.   Being Christian isn’t enough Sharing faith still really matters to me, but now more than ever I recognize that it’s not the only thing that matters to me. I had an experience long distance dating a guy early this year and multiple times I brought up racial reconciliation and it was clearly not something that mattered to him. I also learned that gay people make him uncomfortable. I couldn’t understand how he could love God and not advocate for Black people and support the LGBTQIA community. The love of God isn’t dependent on whether or not you have heterosexual attraction.   Growth Mindset Confronted with an area of growth, what is your response? Is it defensiveness or humility? Instead of, “You’re wrong, I’m right.” It should be “I haven’t thought of it that way, I’d love to learn more.”   Show don’t tell Have you ever been with a guy who says all the right things? All the things you wanted to hear? Really pay attention to that. Someone can say the right things and not follow through, and really time will tell. Listen to what a guy says, not what you want him to say. If he says “I’m not ready for a relationship,” you could think “Wow, he’s so vulnerable,” but really that’s a red flag.   Humor is non-negotiable I just about broke the internet with this IG post back in October. But I stand by this. Life is HARD! And we don’t need to be with a stand-up comedian, but life is messy and I need a guy who is a friend that I can laugh with. Physical attraction is important, but sex isn’t 24/7. Who do I want to be with when we’re going through the hard moments, the boring moments, the everyday moments?   Drop the double standards In that same IG post, I said you should be open to dating a guy who is shorter than you. And you all had a LOT of thoughts about it. We are always so upset when a guy doesn’t want to date us based on looks, but we’re doing the same thing by saying we won’t date a short guy. Be willing for love to look differently than you expected for yourself. If we have a standard for a guy, let’s live by that same standard.   Trust and surrender I’m 35… I want to have kids yesterday. I’m ready to settle down. I thought this was my year for love. I can do all the “right” things, be clear about my vision, be open to love, and be putting myself out there…. And life can happen. What I’ve really learned was that I can trust and surrender because God has my best.   How has 2020 changed dating for you? I really want to hear! I love a good round number and need a 10th point;) So let me know on social media @therefinedwoman. Thank you for all the listens, downloads, messages, comments, and feedback this year. We are so grateful for this amazing community!   Resources Check out Jon Tyson’s episode of the That’s What He Said series here. Join our Patreon community here to get access to exclusive video content. Check out my IG post that broke the internet. Pre-order my book, Sexless in the City, here!   We’re told that we should pray for our future husbands— it makes sense, right? The problem is: nobody ever teaches us how. My friend Stephanie May Wilson created the Every Single Moment Prayer Journal to help with exactly that. It is 100 powerful guided prayers and prompts to help you savor the present and prepare for the future. Go to bit.ly/kat-singlemoment and use code KAT for 15% off your order.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   I have been looking forward to interviewing this guest ever since the Tik Tok algorithm graced me with his videos. I am obsessed. Shaun Galanos is a love coach and he is very matter of fact about the dating questions he receives. He answers questions with clarity and compassion. So together, we collected some of your top dating questions and answered them for you! From ghosting to cheating to finances, we cover some pretty massive questions.     “Why do men ghost? Especially if the man asked for my number and texted me.” They don’t care They don’t want to have an uncomfortable conversation with you That’s all they know how to do They want to ghost you before you ghost them They want to hurt you/make you sad They don’t want to hurt your feelings They feel guilty   “How do I manage finances in relationships when we have different standards of spending habits?” Values around money and debt are important— you should share those values. The money conversation can be a turnoff or red flag for someone if you bring it up early on.   “How do you know if it’s the right person, just the wrong time?” If what you’re really asking is: “Am I making the right choice? Is there better?” Stop overthinking! “I’ve been rejected, but should I just wait for them?” Move on! “If someone says no, take it as a no, believe them, and let the universe sort it out on the back end.”   “Can I build a relationship with someone I used to cheat with?” You can do anything you want in life, but ask yourself “Is this good for me?” There are so many ways to view a situation like this, some are fantasies and some are more riddled with problems. If it’s something you really want to pursue, go to counseling with that person to work on how you can make this relationship better.   “Be honest, have you ever decided not to date a girl because of her ethnicity?” Neither of us have not dated someone because of their ethnicity. I share what I’ve noticed of my own behavior on dating apps when it comes to race and how I’ve been reflecting on that and learning what has influenced that behavior.   “How can I make the first move without being too forward/intimidating as a woman?” “Just do it. Stop sitting on the sidelines hoping that he notices you and just do it.” It’s time to move on from the whole “men are hunters and women are prey” analogy, because guess what? Hunters don’t woo their prey! Ask yourself what’s holding you back— are you afraid of asking because you’re afraid of the answer?   “How do you date in 2020 when you really hate internet dating?” Ask yourself: what did people do before online dating became a thing? Don’t look down on the idea of being set-up! Get used to saying hi to strangers.   “How can I get context when it’s basically over text due to distance?” So I guess we’ve all just forgotten about phone calls, huh? Pick up the phone! You can get so much more context in a conversation when you hear their voice. I know a lot of us feel safer over text, but it’s so incomplete. Always make sure the big conversations are done over the phone or in person.   “I like masturbation, but I’m worried I’m not going to like sex when I get married.” Focus on masturbation now and worry about sex later. If you understand your own pleasure, you are setting yourself up for some really positive experiences with your partner. “Start talking about sex…so that it becomes a natural part of your relationship.” The book Slow Sex by Diana Richardson explores the idea that you should focus on your own pleasure and ask for what you want. ***None of this is possible without communication!****   “You will get more information when you ask for the thing that you want.”   Resources Keep up with Shaun on IG at @thelovedrive and on TikTok at @thelovedrive. Check out his course on healthy communication at thelovedrive.com. Shaun’s Love Drive videos on YouTube. IG post about why men ghost. An article Shaun wrote about ghosting. An IGTV Shaun did all about ghosting. Read Slow Sex by Diana Richardson Want to dive into a deeper conversation about masturbation? Listen to the Masturbation Series on The Refined Collective. Want to dive into a deeper conversation about sex? Check out Dr. Celeste Holbrook on The Refined Collective.   I was tired of hearing male pastors preach about waiting until marriage for sex when they had gotten married in their early 20s and had no idea what it was really like to date in today’s culture! I wanted to hear from someone in my shoes— so I wrote a book! It’s called Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex and it’s coming out in April 2021! Head over to bit.ly/kat-sexless to pre-order now!   We’re told that we should pray for our future husbands— it makes sense, right? The problem is: nobody ever teaches us how. My friend Stephanie May Wilson created the Every Single Moment Prayer Journal to help with exactly that. It is 100 powerful guided prayers and prompts to help you savor the present and prepare for the future. Go to bit.ly/kat-singlemoment and use code KAT for 15% off your order.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Welcome back to the That’s What He Said series, where I ask men all the questions you’re DYING to know. Last week, Tim Timberlake shared some practical tips for single women to prepare for marriage, because marriage is sacrifice, y’all— are you setting yourself up for success in singleness? Listen to that episode here if you missed it.    This week, I’m wrapping up the That’s What He Said series that has carried us through this fall with a conversation I had with Church of the City in New York pastor Jon Tyson a few years ago. He is also the author of Beautiful Resistance and The Burden is Light, husband and father. This entire series has been all about asking men from all over the U.S. both married, single, dating, and everywhere in-between your top dating and relationship questions.   But we can’t talk about dating without talking about sex, desire, and sexuality. And we can’t talk about any of those things without talking about God--the Creator of all of it (What better way to end the series right?).   The majority of church conversations around sex are about do’s and don’ts rather than formation and theology, so Jon and I talk all about how to have a nuanced Biblical view of sex and desire.   Hook-up Culture + Porn So many people are disillusioned with hookup culture and with porn. When it comes to the church, most people who attend are single and frustrated. “People are wrestling profoundly with the sense of being left out, where they look at people in the world who seem to be doing whatever they want and having some level of fun.”   How Did We Get Here? One thing that has transformed everything in the sexual culture we live in is technology. Porn is available to everyone, giving the option to get sexual satisfaction without human connection. But human connection is crucial to the sexual experience. What has the church’s response to this been? Moral standards and will power will give you holiness. But this approach does not work.   Sexual Formation When it comes to spiritual formation, we’re always asking ourselves: “Who am I becoming by what I am doing?” Apply this same concept to your sexuality. “It’s staggering how much harm and how much blessing can come from sexuality.” Jon asks why we as a society date people we know we don’t actually like. Is it because we lack a vision for our love life?   The 4 Points of Christian Sexuality Sex points beyond itself. Holistic integration. Self-control strengthens our vision. It’s a witness to the world.   Further Reading Check out Jon’s NEW BOOK: Beautiful Resistance: The Joy of Conviction in a Culture of Compromise. Check out Jon’s book The Burden Is Light: Liberating Your Life from the Tyranny of Performance and Success. Read the NYT article Jon talks about: What Teenagers Are Learning From Online Porn. Jon recommends these books if you want to dive further into this conversation: Divine Sex by Jonathan Grant, Love Thy Body by Nancy Pearcey, and A Better Story by Glynn Harrison.   Resources Keep up with Jon at church.nyc and on IG at @churchofthecitynewyork and @jontyson. Check out Jon’s “The Controversial Jesus” series on YouTube. Curious about when I decided to wait for marriage? Listen to this podcast episode. Want more of a conversation on masturbation? Listen to this episode then this episode. Need help on how to communicate to the person you’re dating that you’re waiting for marriage? Listen to this episode. Need more help navigating your sexual desire? Check out this episode of the podcast. Curious about how to navigate physical boundaries in dating? This episode of the podcast is for you.   We’ve been diving into some pretty big conversations around dating and what it’s like being single in today’s culture. Maybe you feel uncomfortable connecting with me on IG in a public way, so I created a private Facebook community for single ladies. (P.S. I’m always giving dating advice over there!) Head over to bit.ly/trw-singleladies to join this community of women lifting each other up!   You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Welcome back to the That’s What He Said series, where I ask men all the questions you’re DYING to know. Last week, Ben Stuart answered the most asked question in the Christian single lady community: where are all of the single Godly men? His answer is thoughtful, encouraging, and challenging. Listen here if you missed it.   This week, I’m talking with pastor Tim Timberlake. He is the pastor of Christian Faith Center in North Carolina. He’s been married to wife Jen for over 5 years and together they have the cutest son, Maxwell Ace Timberlake. He considers himself a Christian first, husband second, father third, and pastor fourth. In this conversation from the archives, we talk about how you can grow with a person in marriage, what your “list” of perfect qualities should look like, and how we can practice sacrifice as single women. Because guess what? Marriage requires sacrifice!   How do you grow together in marriage? Tim shares his experience as a divorced man who went on to find the love of his life. “You can absolutely be married to God’s perfect choice, but if both people aren’t pursuing God, then that quickly changes.” Communication can help us to grow together, because change is inevitable. “We don’t get let down by what happens to us, we get let down by what we expected not to happen to us.”   3 things to put on your list Common Ground. Shared Faith. Physical attraction!   How can we prep for marriage as single people? Love is a choice and there is no other relationship that sets us up for the sacrifices and commitment through the tough times when we are in seasons of singleness. He notes that whenever he finds himself being short with the people he loves, he can pinpoint it to not spending enough time with God. “I want this person to win more than I want to win in this relationship.”   Lightning round Can guys tell when a woman likes her? ABSOLUTELY! But misreads do happen. Does attraction have to be there from the start? Attraction will constantly evolve. Which do you value more—respect or love? Respect and honor go hand in hand. Honor is impossible without love. There has to be action behind it. How do I know if he likes me? If he makes sacrifices for you, he’s serious about you. There’s a distinction to be made between want (convenience) and like.   “It takes time to make something that is good. Anything that comes into your life prematurely, arrives too small. Be patient. Know that the wait will be worth it. God has His perfect plan for your life that He is building up for you.”   Resources Keep up with Tim at TimTimberlake.tv. Follow Tim on Instagram at @ttimberlake and Twitter at @timtimberlake.   You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!   We’ve been diving into some pretty big conversations around dating and what it’s like being single in today’s culture. Maybe you feel uncomfortable connecting with me on IG in a public way, so I created a private Facebook community for single ladies. (P.S. I’m always giving dating advice over there!) Head over to bit.ly/trw-singleladies to join this community of women lifting each other up!

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Welcome back to the That’s What He Said series, where I ask men all the questions you’re DYING to know. Last week, we took a short break with the series so I could address the sex scandals that have been exposed recently in the evangelical church. It’s a hard conversation, but it’s one we need to be having. You can take a listen here.   This week, I’m sharing the conversation I had with Ben Stuart a while back. He is the pastor of Passion City Church DC, but before that he ran a college and singles ministry. Basically, he has worked with a lot of young single Christians. DC is one of the loneliest cities in America and people longing for connection come to his church to find it. We do a deep dive into the question “Where are all of the single Godly men?” plus how you can have a healthy dynamic in male/female friendships.   Where are all of the single Godly men? There are two levels to this question: physically where are they… and why are they not pursuing me? He notes the social implications of technology has changed the dating scene. People are losing the personal connection and ability to socialize in person. Only 12% of single women were asked out in the last year. “I know great men that are running in the world, and if you get running in a healthy direction, you’re going to see them out there.” There can be a blame shift that happens when we lament that there are no guys out there. Around 10% of women ask men out every year—they want to be pursued!   How can you have a healthy dynamic in a male/female friendship? Friendship is possible, but it’s important to ask yourself and the other person what friendship really means. “If you say, ‘I want to be friends,’ but any other person’s presence makes you feel threatened… you don’t want to be friends. You want possession.” Long term, is it worth spending all of your energy on male friendships? When you get married, would you husband be comfortable with them around? Are we too busy getting all of our micro-needs met by several guy friends to have our needs met by one romantic partner? “Decoupling commitment and sex damaged both. We lost both.”   Resources Keep up with Ben on Instagram at @ben_stuart_. Hear more from Ben on the Passion City Church DC Podcast and YouTube Channel. Check out Ben’s new book Single, Dating, Engaged, Married: Navigating Life and Love in the Modern Age. Read Cheap Sex by Mark Regnerus. Read A Return to Modesty by Wendy Shalit.   You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! If you’re a creative, you know the drill. You’re finally done editing. It’s perfect. Now you just need to format...and re-format...for every single platform. With Issuu, make it once, and it’s ready to post everywhere. Issuu is the all-in-one platform to create and distribute beautiful digital publications, from brochures to magazines to sales collateral and more. Get started with Issuu today for FREE or if you sign up for a premium account you will get 50% off when you go to ISSUU.com/podcast and use promo code KAT.

Trigger warning (and kiddo warning): As the episode title suggests, I am going to be talking about some hard topics and sharing some vulnerable stories.    It’s time to acknowledge the elephant in the room It feels dismissive to do a podcast on dating this week. I am committed to being honest with you and have hard conversations. I’m committed to moving towards that thing that is uncomfortable because I honestly think it’s what we all long for. I might say it wrong, I may peel back in hindsight, I may be misunderstood, you may disagree. My hope is that this gets you talking, processing, and thinking critically. Also caveat: we’re all humans, we all mess up. We all need redemption.   Here’s what’s going on Evangelical leaders are being exposed at a rapid rate for their moral failures. This year, we have: Liberty University President Jerry Falwell Jr. exposed. Pastor John Gray exposed for being unfaithful to his wife. Christian Comedian John Crist exposed for sex addiction. Hillsong NYC Pastor Carl Lentz (my former pastor) was fired for “leadership issues, breaches of trust, and moral failures”. The day after the news was made public, Carl released a statement on Instagram admitting to cheating on his wife. Since then, at least one woman has come forward claiming a 5-month relationship with Carl that ended just last week. So this is where we are… I am sad. I am hurting. I am angry. I am tired of seeing pastor after male pastor lack integrity and accountability. The fallout of this behavior is deeper and wider than even we can comprehend.   Acknowledge those hurting The most overlooked people in these scenarios are those who have been hurt, betrayed, abused, by the offender/predator/addict/etc. Jesus always took care of the hurting. o   With all these men’s public confession… let’s be clear that all of these men got CAUGHT and THEN confessed. There is an outpouring of praise: “What a good man. Your ministry has blessed me so much.” Dismissal of pain. We’re allowed to be angry. Gaslighting and spiritual manipulation. Misunderstanding of biblical forgiveness Steve Farrar’s sermon on forgiveness. Phylicia Masonheimer: There’s a difference between forgiveness and restoration.   To the hurting and betrayed: I acknowledge you Wives and children: humiliation, betrayal, breach of trust Those who worked with and led with who feel blindsided To those who worked for and served under them To those who attended their ministries To the people of color who feel heartbroken because Carl has been such a voice in the racial justice conversation and Black Lives Matter movement. I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU. I acknowledge your pain. What happened was wrong, and I’m so sorry you are going through this.   The fallout and heartache is deep and wide You are allowed to grieve You are allowed to be angry You are allowed to process No one has the right to tell you how you should feel or when you should be “over” this.   Do we have such low view of men? Whispering between the lines of all this public praise for a confession is another message: boys will be boys When will we stop believe the lies that sexual integrity is harder for men than it is for women o   The crushing pressure of my sexual purity and the sexual integrity of men is on my shoulders is wrong. It was never ours to carry, and men it’s time you take ownership. Men just as much made in the image of God as women are. Women are just as much sexual beings as men are. I call BS on the whole thing. Do you really have such low view of men that we think them incapable of learning how to control their urges and impulses?  I don’t accept this behavior and I’m mad not because I think poorly of men, but because I view highly of men. You are a reflection of the image of God, just as women are. It’s time to hold yourself to a higher standard. It’s time to do the work, get accountability for real.  Oppression stops not when the oppressed takes a stand, but when the oppressor repents and turns around. o   One of the most upsetting things was that it was men in the comments praising the fallen pastor and I saw one lonely woman who said “No. Not okay”. Men, why are you leaving this up to us?” Men, I love you. Be better.   Church, we have to do better When we allow this behavior to go on in our church walls, the church no longer is a safe place for the disadvantaged, for the oppressed, for the ostracized, the abused, but a sanctuary for the religious elite, privileged, and those who are abusing their power. Jesus hated abuse of power. We see Jesus flipping over tables in the temple and yelling at the religious elite, “You brood of vipers.” Why? The house of God became a place where those in power abused their power and took advantage of the weak. Do I believe in forgiveness? Do I believe in restoration? Of course. But this behavior should make us angry and spur us to action on behalf of those being taken advantage of. Why? Because this behavior makes Jesus angry. My plea to the church: we have to do better. The church is supposed to be a witness to the world. A reflection of Jesus us— the Jesus who has transformed our lives. Yet, is the church as it stands today a witness to world beckoning hope, acceptance, unconditional love, mercy, and grace? We are a house divided. We are a mockery of what it means to reflect the God image to a world longing for restoration.   Pause to look inward I’m not above or below having a lapse in judgement or a moral failure. No one is. We become who we are through tiny decisions that we do or do not make every single day. Every thought, action, posture of the heart, compromise big or small leads us on a path towards life or destruction. Who are you becoming? I have been quick to anger, quickly offended, sharp tongues, and I want to apologize for that. I have been blind to my judgmental spirit because I have felt right. It has felt justifiable.   “Being a Christian can be confusing. Our faith is unique among the world’s religions in its central teaching of grace, yet it’s known as a religion of works. Christianity is supposed to be defined by love, yet Christians are viewed as judgmental hypocrites. Our faith proclaims forgiveness of sin, yet we are often remembered for our self-righteous behavior. One research group studying evangelical Christians revealed these public perceptions: “Evangelicals were called illiterate, greedy, psychos, racist, stupid, narrow-minded, bigots, idiots, fanatics, nut cases, screaming loons, delusional, simpletons, pompous, morons, cruel, nitwits, and freaks, and that’s just a partial list…some people don’t have any idea what Evangelicals actually are or what they believe—they just know that can’t stand Evangelicals.” …I have struggled with the gap between what I say and how I live. I have struggled profoundly to integrate my faith into my personal life. Have you felt this tension?” —Jon Tyson, The Burden is Light   I am no better I am one wrong decision away from crazy. Who am I? Who do I want to be? Who has access to my life? Do I have the courage to be known in the moment and not just after a crisis or when I’m found out? I reached out to several pastor and mentors and friends this week and said, “Hey, I don’t want this to be me. Will you walk with me? I want to be known.” Who are you becoming?   I want to speak peace and hope over you, me, us. Hope does not put us to shame. Jesus’ heart is to make all things new. Jesus makes us new, makes the church new, comforts us, brings us peace. Restore only what you can restore.   Resources TRC Ep 114: Why Are So Many People Leaving the Evangelical Church Right Now?with Addison Bevere  Read Phylicia Masonheimer’s IG poston repentance and restoration. Listen to Steve Farrar’s sermon “Anchored in Forgiveness.” Check out Jon Tyson’s book The Burden is Light. Announcement from Hillsong Church Global Senior Pastor Brian Houston. The Sun article where the woman came forward about her relationship with Carl Lentz.   You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!   If you’re a creative, you know the drill. You’re finally done editing. It’s perfect. Now you just need to format...and re-format...for every single platform. With Issuu, make it once, and it’s ready to post everywhere. Issuu is the all-in-one platform to create and distribute beautiful digital publications, from brochures to magazines to sales collateral and more. Get started with Issuu today for FREE or if you sign up for a premium account you will get 50% off when you go to ISSUU.com/podcast and use promo code KAT.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Welcome back to the That’s What He Said series, where I ask men all the questions you’re DYING to know. We took a short break last week to cover some important topics around faith and politics during this election. As a little refresher, the last episode of That’s What He Said was with Jeff Johnson. He shared all about how a break can be used for growth, the biggest fears guys have in relationships, and how to discuss porn when the guy you’re dating shares that he struggles with it. Check it out here if you missed it.   This week, I’m talking with Matt Jones. This episode is pretty special for a few reasons. Firstly, this is the only episode in the That’s What He Said series that has never been heard before! This conversation is still from the archives, but it was never released. Secondly, Matt is the oldest single guy in this series. I know it can feel exhausting to hear advice from young married people who are encouraging you to trust in God’s timing. Matt is in his late 30s and putting in the work. Since having this conversation, he has entered a serious and committed relationship. I can’t wait for you to hear everything he has to share!   What are your feelings on set-ups? I asked everyone on Instagram and it broke. the. internet. so I asked Matt about his thoughts on set-ups as someone who has been set up before. Many women feel shame for asking to be set up because it feels like “I can’t get dates on my own,” which is devastating because set-ups can be SO valuable! Instead of feeling shame when someone tries to set you up, recognize that your reach is limited and people in your circle are able to extend that reach.   Do you know what you want? Matt reflects on how at 35, a switch flipped when it came to dating. “As I developed and grew and matured, my priorities changed and my intentions changed.” Living in LA, Matt recognizes that being single is a lot more common— people are pursuing their dreams and careers above marriage and having a family. Having spent so much time dating, he recognizes what he wants in a woman and what a healthy relationship looks like for him. That’s so valuable. “When it comes down to the really important stuff… there’s a lack of connection if you’re not centered in the same place.”   Mindset in Singleness Should you pursue or wait on God’s timing? Both. Matt admits that he spent much of his singleness in a pity party and this is what prevented him from finding his person during that time. “Take a really good long look at yourself and see how you might be contributing to your own singleness before putting it on society or culture or the location of where you live, or your age, or your circumstances.”   Resources Keep up with Matt on Instagram at @MattJones6. Listen to That’s What He Said: DM Dating // Going from DMs to Real Life with Jamal Miller Listen to That’s What He Said: How to Let Him Know You’re Into Him with Jarod Nickerson Listen to That’s What He Said: How to Create a Culture of Honor in Dating with Jeff Johnson    You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!   We’ve been diving into some pretty big conversations around dating and what it’s like being single in today’s culture. Maybe you feel uncomfortable connecting with me on IG in a public way, so I created a private Facebook community for single ladies. (P.S. I’m always giving dating advice over there!) Head over to bit.ly/trw-singleladies to join this community of women lifting each other up!

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   On Monday, I had a conversation with speaker and author Ashley Abercrombie on why being pro-birth isn’t enough and how to have a compassionate and nuanced dialogue around abortion. Today, the conversation around faith and politics continues. How does our faith impact how we vote? Can we love our neighbor through our politics?   I’m exploring this conversation with Stephanie Summers. She is the CEO of the Center for Public Justice, an independent, non-partisan civic education and public policy organization based in Washington, D.C. She has dedicated her life to learning and ministry and justice and I can’t wait for you to hear everything she has to share.   How to find accurate/truthful info on candidates Read your local paper— it’s the best place to learn about local politics Attend a local forum or access them on the internet— hear the candidate directly Ask friends who might be more connected to/involved in the political scene Reach out directly to the campaigns   What your vote really means “Politics is a way that we respond to God’s call to love our neighbors.” Voting is a way to achieve proximate justice. “My vote isn’t designed to be all about me, but it’s really about the wellbeing, the shalom, the flourishing of our community.” Every human being is made in God’s image, not just the ones we agree with politically.   How to show up in patience and love with someone who is on the other side of you None of this is a one-and-done conversation. Pray for openness to hear the other side— and a humility to admit, “I could be wrong— God, show me.” Pray for softened hearts. “God, what do you want from me here?” It’s not your job to convince someone to get on your side.   “As God’s people, there is more that unites us in Christ than divides us in politics. We have forgotten that in many ways.”   The election is November 3rd, what happens next? “The election is not the end; it’s the beginning.” Get to know your community policies and officials so you don’t feel overwhelmed the week before the next election. Get involved with political discipleship groups to help you think about, use, and develop tools to show up with intentionality as a person of faith with politics. Shared Justice Journal covers a lot of political topics and faith. It will help you wrestle some nuanced and hard topics.   How do we look at a candidate holistically? Pandemic response and racial justice are both significant issues right now Think about what it means to be well as a nation Posture of unity, even if we don’t agree (as opposed to punishment if you don’t believe in ‘x’s side.   Can we separate someone’s personal character from their policy? Ask yourself these questions: If your pastor had terrible character, would you be okay if your church was growing and people were getting free? If your boss treated you and your coworkers maliciously, but pays you really well? Think about your response. Do you care about the process or the outcome?   Resources Keep up with all things Center for Public Justice at org, on Instagram at @centerpublicjustice, and on Twitter at @cpjustice. Check out org and sharedjustice.org to stay informed. Listen to Faith + Politics Part I: Why Pro-Birth Isn’t Enough with Ashley Abercrombie Watch my IGTV: “I don’t support Trump… Can we be friends if we disagree politically?” Listen to Why Black Lives Matter   If you’re a creative, you know the drill. You’re finally done editing. It’s perfect. Now you just need to format...and re-format...for every single platform. With Issuu, make it once, and it’s ready to post everywhere. Issuu is the all-in-one platform to create and distribute beautiful digital publications, from brochures to magazines to sales collateral and more. Get started with Issuu today for FREE or if you sign up for a premium account you will get 50% off when you go to ISSUU.com/podcast and use promo code KAT.   If you feel overwhelmed and want to learn to step out in clarity with politics, go to politicaldiscipleship.org and join one of the sessions offered. It’s all about being intentional, and it’s all about community.

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   This week, we’re taking a break from the That’s What He Said series, because it has been on my heart to share resources and stories to support you in the upcoming election (on November 3, in case you need a reminder). I want to ask the hard questions and give you space to ask those hard questions to and wrestle and pray. So this week, I’m talking to repeat guest Ashley Abercrombie and we’re having an honest conversation about abortion, pro-life, and pro-birth. We are so grateful that you are listening to this conversation, even if it might make you uncomfortable.   Here’s what’s been going through my mind recently: How does our faith impact how we vote? What does it really mean to be pro-life? What does it mean to be a single-issue voter? And how can I have a robust + holistic view of a candidate without getting sucked into the propaganda + emotion of it all?   Why Do Women Have Abortions? Poverty: women not having the capacity to care for both themselves and a child. 25% of the abortions in the United States are had by married women. Victims of domestic violence will turn to abortion when they fear bringing a child into an abusive home. “Abortion doesn’t have a specific face.”   Why Are You Anti-Abortion? Is this something you inherited from your faith community growing up? Is this something your parents taught you? Is it a value you hold dear because you have researched the issue and are pro-life, pro-birth, and pro-mother?   Pro-Life vs. Pro-Birth and Pro-Mother Being pro-mother means advocating for women’s right to have a good birth experience. Simple things like having a decent maternity leave. When we talk about pro-life, we need to be considering the full life of both the child and mother. “We cannot just be pro-birth people, we have to be pro-life. It’s who God is.”   "I do not believe that just because you are opposed to abortion, that that makes you pro-life. In fact, I think in many cases, your morality is deeply lacking if all you want is a child born but not a child fed, a child educated, a child housed. And why would I think that you don't? Because you don't want any tax money to go there. That's not pro-life. That's pro-birth. We need a much broader conversation on what the morality of pro-life is.” Sister Joan Chittister, on a Bill Moyers interview in 2004   3 Assumptions Voting Pro-Life and Republican A Republican will appoint pro-life people in the Supreme Court and thus overturn Roe v. Wade For the last 49 years, Republicans have owned the majority in the Supreme Court, yet no overturn. In 1992, there was an 8:1 ratio of Republicans to Democrats in the Supreme Court. When given the chance to turn down abortion, they didn’t. Overturning Roe is the key to ending abortion Roe decision didn’t legalize abortion In 1776, abortion was legal everywhere in the United states In the 1930s, doctors reported 800k legal abortions— similar to numbers to that of today Policies of Republicans decrease abortions and Democrats increase abortions Republicans // Pro-Life Overturn Roe v. Wade No taxpayer funding Defund Planned Parenthood Baby’s right to life Democrats // Pro-Choice Support Roe v. Wade Taxpayer funding for abortions Expand Planned Parenthood Mother’s right to privacy   Why Have Abortions Been Declining Since the 1980s? Fewer women are facing unplanned pregnancies Reduced teen sexual activity More access to healthcare and contraceptives New state restrictions (i.e. late-term abortions) More affordable adoptions   None of these things happen because of Roe v. Wade, a presidential candidate, or a Supreme Court justice.   “We don’t have to agree on everything to be connected to one another.”   Resources Keep up with Ashley at org and on IG at @ashabercrombie How To Live Authentically Without Prematurely Sharing Your Story with Ashley Abercrombie on TRC How to Own Your Voice: A Conversation on Consent with Tiffany Bluhm on TRC Ashley and Tiffany’s podcast episode: Why Pro-Birth Isn’t Enough Tho My thoughts on Trump: watch this IGTV Buy Ashley’s books Rise of the Truth Teller and Love is the Resistance. “Policies, Persons, and Paths to Ruin” by John Piper Further listening on evangelicals and politics on NPR Further reading from Ashley: The Stigma and Shame of Abortion.   Avail exists to empower New Yorkers facing an unexpected pregnancy or past abortion with critical support and resources to inform their decisions, build healthy relationships, and promote healing. They promise a safe place for confident decisions with no pressure or politics. You can make an appointment to meet your personal advocate at Availnyc.org. (59:38)   You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! (28:25)

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Welcome back to the That’s What He Said series, where I ask men all the questions you’re DYING to know. Last week, Jarod Nickerson shared some major insight into things like, “What should I do if I’m put in the friend zone?” “Does attraction have to be there from the start or can it grow?” and “How can I communicate that I’m developing feelings for a guy without being too forward?” Check it out here if you missed it!   This week, I’m sharing the conversation I had a while back with Jeff Johnson, a worship pastor at Passion City Church in Atlanta. This episode, we talk a lot about his relationship with his wife, Jourdan. Their love story is a beautiful reminder that love stories will look different for everyone. He also shares how a break can be used for growth, the biggest fears guys have in relationships, and how to discuss porn when the guy you’re dating shared that he struggles with it.   Does attraction have to be there from the start? Jeff was physically attracted to Jourdan since the first time he saw her, but he was attracted to her personality as well. “Her character speaks louder than her beauty.”   How can a break be used for growth? They broke up after being together for 8 years. Jeff thought he just needed time to work on himself and they would get back together, but Jourdan moved on and started dating a new guy. When they got back together two years later, their prioritization of communication made the relationship strong.   Which do you value more, respect or love? “Guys want to feel respected and like they carry weight in the relationship.” He acknowledges a lot of men out there did not have the male leaders guiding them to step into their roles as a man. Sometimes we need to just remember that we all have blown it, and it is not productive to expect perfection from the other person.   What are the biggest fears guys have in relationships? If they open up about something, they want to know they will be accepted and understood. They want to feel safe. Being with someone 24/7, everything comes out into the open. “When you get married, there is nothing off the table.” “I know your story and it’s covered by grace, just like my story is covered by grace.”   What about porn? It’s hard for women to hear these struggles because they often fall into the trap of thinking they are not enough, which is not the case. How do you know a guy is serious about recovery from pornography? A huge litmus test: Do you see friends in his life bringing him closer to Christ and challenging him on this? Is he willing to work and fight through his issues? Or is he a passive bystander to his growth?   Resources Keep up with Jeff at jeffjohnsonband.org and on Instagram at @jeffejohnson. Follow Jeff’s wife, Jourdan, on Instagram at @jourdanjohnson. Listen to Jeff Johnson’s music on iTunes.   You may or may not know that I am writing a book! It’s called Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex and it’s coming out in April 2021! Want to stay up to date on all things book related, from book tour, to joining my launch team, to special in-person events (God willing)? Head over to bit.ly/Trw-book so you can be the first to know.   You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Welcome back to the That’s What He Said series, where I ask men all the questions you’re DYING to know. Last week, Jamal Miller got real with us about expectations in dating, whether it’s how we meet the person (be open to sliding into DMs— it works!), or what qualities we imagine our future spouse will have. Check it out here if you missed it.    This week, I’m sharing the conversation I had a while back with LA-based mental and fitness coach Jarod Nickerson. Believe it or not, we covered pretty much every single question you guys sent in. Curious whether or not he can tell you have a crush on him? Want to let him know you’re interested, but you’re afraid of being too forward? Or maybe you’re just too afraid, period? (Who else gets sweaty palms??) Jarod shares some insight on these questions and so many more.   1. Do guys know when a girl has a crush on them? Every guy is different, but plenty of guys are oblivious.   2. Do guys develop attraction over time, or does it have to be there from the get-go? A lot of the time, attraction will be there from the start, but it’s possible for the attraction to develop as they get to know a girl. “It’s kind of the reflection of the heart manifesting outside the body.”   3. Which do you value more: respect or love? Love and respect go hand in hand. “If someone doesn’t respect you, then how can they love you?”   4. How do I know if he likes me? There are a lot of things to consider: Do they have self-awareness? If someone knows who they are, they can be more confident.   5. Is it true that if he’s interested, he’ll pursue/do whatever it takes to make it happen? A guy will pursue and do whatever it takes to make it happen until it’s clear she does not want to pursue anything.   6. Do you think guys + girls can be just friends?  Jarod believes it is possible but knows there can be confusion for some friendships. It all comes down to being transparent and honest.   7. How can I let him know I’m interested in more than just friends w/o being too aggressive/forward? Confidence is sexy and honesty is important. Let it out, but don’t hang on it. “If someone can’t handle you being real and honest with them, then they’re probably not someone who is always going to be calling you up and out for the rest of your life.”   8. Would you date a woman that doesn’t share your worldview/faith?  Jarod says no, in short. It’s important to share a worldview. “If they are truly a seeker and have a good heart, then maybe you could court that relationship, but for me I’m a follower of Jesus and if they’re not following Jesus it’s not going to work.”   9. Are you intimidated by a woman with a successful career? He wants the answer to be no, but the honest answer is “probably.” “All you’re doing is comparing yourself to how you think it should be, not necessarily what it is.” The time when it can feel most intimidating is at the start of a relationship, but he would definitely still ask her out.   10. What’s something that women do that feels emasculating? Distrust and not supporting his future would be devastating.   “My biggest fear in life is not supporting my future family.”     11. What’s something a woman can do to honor you/makes you feel like a man? Belief—everyone loves to have someone believe in them.   12. What are you looking for in a relationship/partner? “I’m looking for someone who is going to challenge me, push me, and believe in me. I only want someone in my life if they’re going to call me up to be better. I don’t want just a cheerleader.”   13. Why do you think a lot of guys don’t want to date within their own community i.e. church? He notes the challenges that arise when there is close proximity in this way. If it doesn’t work out—a guy doesn’t want that ‘Scarlett letter.’ Don’t let fear be motivating any of your decisions in relationships.   14. Where are all the single godly men—do you think there are more single than women, or does it just seem like that? The question is rooted in fear. “Am I walking in alignment in the identity of the woman God has made?” If you’re pursuing what God has put on your heart, you’ll see Godly men on that same path. “Ask the Lord to quiet your mind and ask Him to speak.”   Resources Keep up with Jarod on Instagram at @jarod.nickerson (you’ll notice he’s no longer single— sorry, ladies!)   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out!   You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!    It’s been 2 and a half years since I launched The Refined Collective Podcast (but don’t worry, we’re not going anywhere). We have over 100 episodes and even if you’ve been following for a while, chances are that you missed out on some. To give myself some space and rest this fall (OOF the 2020 struggle is real, y’all), I am relaunching an old series where I ask men all the questions you’re DYING to know, plus there’s a never before heard bonus episode straight from the mouth of single dude actively lookin’ for his wifey.   First up, Jamal Miller. This guy is a mogul—for real though. He’s an entrepreneur, pastor, husband to Natasha, father of two daughters, CEO of @millermediagroup, founder of @marriedandyoung, and online campus pastor at All Nations Chicago. Yeah, he’s pretty awesome! This episode, we chat about how he’s an advocate for sliding into DMs (just wait until you hear the way he met his wife), plus he gives you the truth about why that guy is not asking you out. We all walk around with expectations, whether it’s the way we think we’ll meet our person or what qualities we think they’ll have. This episode will help you step into reality and open you up to the possibilities ahead of you.   Expectations vs Reality Is your expectation of a rom com meet-cute fairytale keeping you from trying the dating apps or sliding into DMs? You’ve heard of the IG DM slide, but what about the Facebook messenger slide? Yeah, that’s where it all started for Jamal and Natasha. Phone calls turned to skype dates, which then turned into meeting face to face. Losing hope for your dating life in quarantine? Fairytale endings can grow out of socially distanced beginnings.   The Dream Guy Checklist “You have to first go through the process of divorcing the person in your head.” We walk around with an image in our head of the exact person we think we should be with and it’s preventing us from seeing the person we’re actually meant to be with. Don’t count out a guy you’ve known forever just because they aren’t new and exciting. “Your feelings don’t know your future.” Are men intimidated by strong women? If he is, he’s the wrong guy. “You want a man who is inspired by you.”   Friend Zone vs. Danger Zone Men and women can be friends, but not best friends. That’s the danger zone where things can get complicated and messy. There needs to be clear communication from the start so that nobody gets emotionally tied to the other person and ends up hurt. “Friendship is a breeding ground for marriage.” Relationships can grow out of friendships when there’s communication and respect. “If you’re going to be a bad friend, you’re going to be a bad spouse.”   Give Him a Nudge You’re not comfortable pursuing? Well guess what, some guys aren’t comfortable pursuing either. Fear of rejection is REAL, you guys.  He might be timid. Be willing to create space to allow him to pursue. He might be still learning how to lead. He’s allowed to be in progress. He might be unsure of if you like him. Give him a little nudge. If he doesn’t respond, he might not be ready or interested.   How to Be Part of the Solution Pray for mentors in the lives of men to lift them up—"Those are your future husbands.” Take responsibility as a woman and fight for the men in your life.  Instead of complaining and lamenting—pray for him.   Resources Keep up with Jamal on Instagram at @jamalmiller and his wife, Natasha, at @natashaannmiller. Listen to Natasha Miller’s episode of TRC, “How to Plan for Marriage Not Just a Wedding,” here. They share their love story in a YouTube video— check it out here.   I am so grateful for my friend Stephanie May Wilson and her heart to create content to help me walk into a place of God’s presence with trust. She has a new journal called The Between Places: 100 Days to Trusting God When You Don’t Know What’s Next. It’s a prayer journal for seasons of waiting, uncertainty, transitions, and making big decisions. You can pick up your journal at smaywilsonshop.com and use code REFINED for 15% off!   I have been a full-time photographer for over a decade and the digital delivery of client images in 2020 has made things simple, but there is still something really special about handing your client a physical keepsake. That’s where USB Memory Direct comes in. They make USB flash drives customized with your logo, and have over 50 styles to choose from in different shapes and materials. Head over to usbmemorydirect.com,and be sure to use code TRC20 at checkout to take 20% off your first order of custom flash drives.   You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   Andi Andrew is a dear friend of mine and I am glad to finally have her on the podcast! She is a wife, mother of four kiddos, pastor, author, and speaker. She and her husband, Paul, are lead pastors at the Liberty Church in NYC. She also launched She is Free in 2015, a movement that equips women to walk in freedom. Today we’re talking about dream interpretation, a prophetic dream she had in 2016, and we unpack a recurring dream I’ve been struggling to understand.   “As if posting a picture on our social media channels alone solves the massive problems we see all around us. If we could intentionally put our phones down more often and be about our father’s business…we’d see the change + transformation we so eloquently post about on our feeds…I think we can all agree that the last thing a lost and dying world needs is an army of ‘cute entertainers’ who are only interested in saving ourselves while spouting our opinions and putting on a show with an impotent gospel that temporarily fixes our symptoms instead of healing the heart, soul + body.” – Andi Andrew, Fake or Follower   A Prophetic Dream Andi had a dream back in the election season in 2016… a tumultuous time. She was walking down the street with her children. There was an angel on her shoulder. She noticed people taking selfies in front of piles of dead bodies along the road.  Andi felt no fear in the dream and her angel told her to walk into the destruction. “God, is this a nightmare? Do I need to be praying for our city?” The Lord told her that no, it was the state of the church. God was telling her that the church needs its foundation to be rebuilt and that it will take longer than we want it to, but it will happen. “In this season, God is really stripping the layers back of the church and of our lives so that we can hopefully wake up and pay attention.” It’s time to go back to the simplicity of the gospel. Get rid of the bells and whistles and focus on devotion to God, each other, prayer, unity, and community.   4 Different Types of Dreams 1.     Soul Dream This is your brain processing the day. If you watched a certain show or listened to a certain song that day, it could be weaved into the dream. 2.     Demonic Dream (night terror/nightmare) These are not from God. The enemy is showing you his hand— use this to pray specifically to God. 3.     Prophetic Dream They could be personal, for others, or for a collective of people. Discernment: when and where to share, or are you just supposed to pray for others during this time? 4.     Personal Discipleship Dream If there’s something that you haven’t dealt with from your past, it could keep coming to you in your dreams.   Common Dream Symbols Numbers and colors are important. If you remember small details of your dreams, write them down! Different types of buildings and vehicles have different meanings: towers, open fields, scary forests, cars, airplanes, motorcycles. “The word of God, the Holy Spirit, is going to be your greatest teacher.”   How to Interpret Your Dream Stay in the word of God— read it all the time. You need to be able to discern if your dream is from you, from God, or from the enemy. Pray! “Holy Spirit, does this have a meaning?” Write down the details of your dreams first thing in the morning. If you’re receiving a prophetic message for another person, “Ask God: Am I meant to share this or am I just meant to pray for this person?” and always approach the person with humility.    Resources Keep up with Andi at AndiAndrew.com and on Instagram at @andiandrew. Read more about Andi’s prophetic dream on this IG post. Andi has an IGTV Dream Series— you can watch part one here. Here’s where you can buy her books, Fake or Follower and She is Free. Check out her podcast, Coffee with Andi, here! Read The Divinity Code: To Understand Your Dreams and Visions. **Be careful which books you read and make sure they are Biblically based books.   I am so grateful for my friend Stephanie May Wilson and he her heart to create content to help me walk into a place of God’s presence with trust. She has a new journal called The Between Places: 100 Days to Trusting God When You Don’t Know What’s Next. It’s a prayer journal for seasons of waiting, uncertainty, transitions, and making big decisions. You can pick up your journal at smaywilsonshop.com and use code REFINED for 15% off!   You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! 

“She kept going until she looked good on paper, but it never made her feel more real.” -Mary Marantz   How human is it to want something, try and fit the bill, and then finally fit the bill and feel like you’re suffocating? Mary Marantz and I talk all about this on the podcast this week. She grew up in a single-wide trailer, then went on to go to Yale Law School. She recently shared her story in her book Dirt that just came out this month. It’s a story that reminds you that you never really know a person.   Dirty Beginnings She shares how looking back on such small beginnings, it’s easy to romanticize it in hindsight or from the outside looking in. But when you’re in it, it’s anything but. God said to her, “This is muddy and it’s hard and it’s not what you wished for and you wished you had someone else’s story, but I’m not done writing.” When she was little, the thing she wanted the most was a real house with a real roof. She imagined a blueprint of a home trying to redraw itself to be perfect.  “She kept going until she looked good on paper, but it never made her feel more real.”   Chasing the Shiny Fairytale A large part of her always wanted to go to law school, but sometimes we chase things so grand like law school just to feel like we’ve redeemed our small beginnings. At the start, she was hoping to go to a more local law school, but in a movie-like scenario, her friend submitted her application to Yale and she got in. Later on, she decided to start a photography business with her husband (she met him online, y’all!!!) They took big risks in business— she never wants to live a life that is safe.   Carrying Your Past + Honoring Your Dirt “Is it something heavy you’re carrying? Is it a burden? Or is it some precious thing you’re carrying carefully?... For me, it’s the second one.” “I would no more try to run away from the dust in my life that represents the creation of God than I would try to run away from the mud in my story that represents the genesis of my story.” Look at your dirt and see the power of where you come from instead of the shame. “There’s no amount of running where you can outrun you.”   Resources Keep up with Mary at MaryMarantz.comand on IG at @marymarantz. If you want to hear more of Mary’s story, you can buy her new book, Dirt, at thebookdirt.com/refined(plus you’ll get some fun goodies!)   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out!   You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!

Is it ok if I don’t know ‘who’ I am…we all want to be somebody.  But what is a somebody? —Jedidiah Jenkins   Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   This week, I’m chatting with travel writer, public speaker, and my good friend Jedidiah Jenkins. A few years ago, Jed made the decision to leave his job to pursue his dream: bike to Patagonia and write a book about it. And he did it. The book, To Shake the Sleeping Self, made the NYT Best Sellers List. Multiple times! Fun fact: we used to be roommates, so we share some fun stories from the good old days. We also chat about people-pleasing tendencies, learning to be your truest self, what our biggest fears can teach us, and why it’s important to name our traumas.   “When you start to step towards what feels true, you might ruffle feathers, but what you’ll find is people that look up and go ‘Oh my God, me too.’”   Being Gay in the Church Jed was raised Christian, realized he was gay and was told it was bad. “It’s a horrible thing to wake up into a consciousness as a child and realize that something innately inside you, everyone if they found out would reject you… That is a horrible darkness.” This led him to try and be perfect. “If I’m not inherently good, then I must earn it.” When he got to be 30 years old, he decided to really live his life, despite his biggest fear of be Jed opens up about the complicated relationship he has with his mother throughout his journey of becoming who he really is. When Your Biggest Fears Become Your Reality I open up about when my biggest fear became a reality: my dad having a drug relapse—and found instead of destroying me; it became one of the biggest access points for growth in my life. “Being tested is the revelation of who you are, so I wouldn’t trade that for the world.”— Jed Jed’s worst fear was rejection by everyone, and the opposite happened. “I’m lucky because I have a mother who loves first and is righteous second.”   If you don’t heal your past; it will haunt you. 3 Practical things to do to begin walking towards freedom from trauma: Identify + speak your trauma out loud in safe spaces. Only then can you start to see how even the darkest moments have led you to who and where you are today. Release it—if we don’t heal our past; it will haunt us. Jed shares a quote from Onsite, a trauma workshop experience based in Nashville: “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.” Even if we’re not aware of the trauma, our bodies and subconscious are. Growth doesn’t mean that the struggle isn’t there anymore. It means you now have the tools to  handle the struggle when it pops up. “Walk in the direction of what feels right. If it’s not right, it will tell you.”   Resources Keep up with Jedidiah at JedidiahJenkins.com and on IG at @jedidiahjenkins. You can buy his book, Like Streams to the Ocean, here. You can buy his book, To Shake the Sleeping Self, here. Check out my IGTV response to purity culture here. Check out Onsite, the therapist community in Nashville, here. You can buy the book we talk about, The Body Keeps the Score, here. Get updates for my book, Sexless in the City, here.   As a 35-year-old, the one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that it’s never too early to start taking good care of your skin. I’ve recently become obsessed with Beauty Bio. They have an incredible microneedling tool called the GloPro. It helps create firmer, smoother, and younger looking skin with tighter pores. It’s financially accessible AND time efficient! Go to beautybio.com and check out their GloPro microneedling regeneration tool. Use TRC15 for 15% off your first order.   Are you using the right product for your hair? Function of Beauty is hair care that is formulated specifically for you. They create shampoo, condition, and treatments to fit your unique needs. First, you take a quiz telling them about your hair. Their team determines the right blend of ingredients, bottle your order, and send it all right to your door! Plus, they’re vegan and cruelty-free. Go to functionofbeauty.com/refined to take your hair profile quiz and save 20% off your first order.

On this special bonus episode, I’m sharing part two of my conversation with Addison Bevere. If you missed part one, listen here for our chat about first dates, vulnerability, and 3 practical ways to know if he’s ‘the one.’ This episode, we’re diving into a conversation about his book he just released called Saints: Becoming More Than "Christians." We explore the current climate of the Western Evangelical church. We’re in a mass exodus right now and to be completely real with you, there are times I’m embarrassed to be associated with Christian culture.   What it Means to Be Saints The word “Christian” is only used three times in Scripture. The word “Saints” is used over 60 times.  “Saints aren’t people who remove themselves from the struggles of our world, Saints are people who plunge into the messiness of this world. We are all called to be Saints.” We discuss how so much of the Western Evangelical church has ignored the Black Lives Matter movement. “We’re a family and a family isn’t whole and completely represented until every single person is at that table.” The early church (the Saints) took Jesus’ words seriously and shared a Gospel that disrupted the status quo and turned the world upside down. It was a message worth trading their lives for. Can we say the same about today’s “Gospel”?   What Does it Means to Be a Christian We’re living a post-Christian world, aka they’re moving on to secularism or DIY spirituality. What does this mean for Christians? “People have reduced the Gospel to a transactional idea.” A sin is a violation of relationships, and Jesus came to restore relationships.  “That’s where the kingdom advances… at the intersection of relationship.” The church is full of extremes. Some people think being saved is both the starting line and the finish line. However, other people make the finish line so far away that nobody can reach it.   Getting Back to the Heart of God Is it possible to recover from feelings of embarrassment with the Christian culture? Addison shares that he no longer calls himself a Christian. Instead, he says he is a follower of Christ because he doesn’t like the baggage of identifying as a Christian. “We have to be willing to use new language.” “Saints” is never mentioned in the singular. That’s because it’s about the “we.”   Resources Keep up with Addison’s work at SonsAndDaughters.tvas well as MessengerInternational.org and AddisonBevere.com. Follow Addison on Instagram at @addisonbevere. You can buy Addison’s book, Saints: Becoming More Than “Christians,”here. Listen to part one of this conversation with Addison here. Listen to TRC episode 98 “Why Black Lives Matter” here.   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

Addison Bevere is the COO of the non-profit Messenger International and co-founder of Sons and Daughters TV. He also recently became a published author— he just wrote Saints: Becoming More Than “Christians.” We talked for SO long and about so many things that I decided to share this episode in two parts, so you’ll be getting a special bonus episode this week! In this episode, we talk all about love, dating, and relationships. He shares the story of how he got married young and had children right away, plus he gives practical tips to know if you’ve found the one.   “There’s joy and meaning and opportunity to be found in every season.”   How to Practice Vulnerability in Dating Clarity o   “Clarity is a relationship’s best friend in every stage.” Remove the Pressure o   Release the first date pressure of “Are they the one?” Instead, ask yourself “Did I enjoy my time?” and “Do I want to spend more time with them?” Chill out! o   “We’re trying to answer questions we shouldn’t even be asking yet.”   Dating Real talk from a Dude: Addison shares that for the most part, men can be oblivious to when girls are flirting and sometimes they’re just terrified of making a move. “Wisdom transcends nuance, so when we seek to have a heart of wisdom, then we realize that God doesn’t deal in transactions, He deals in relationships.” If you find yourself concerned about their spiritual journey, think more about if you’re on the same path rather than if you’re at the same point on the journey.   “God is the only one who gets to exist in the past, the present and the future. We get to live in the present.”   3 Ways to Know if They’re ‘The One’ Peace Philippians 4: It’s a peace that transcends all understanding. Colossians 3:14-15: Peace is like an umpire. I share a personal story of a time I almost got engaged and how I look back on that time and recognize I did not have peace in that relationship. Sacrifice It’s important to ask yourself “Am I willing to lay down my life, in the context of marriage, for the rest of my life for this person?”  People frequently think about their relationship by evaluating the other person. We all evolve in different seasons of life. We will always be navigating new strengths and weaknesses. Growth Does being with this person acknoweldge and encourage who you are today while inspiring you to be more? Both have to be true.  “Open your eyes to the you that Christ sees.”   Resources Keep up with Addison’s work at SonsAndDaughters.tv as well as MessengerInternational.org and AddisonBevere.com. Follow Addison on Instagram at @addisonbevere. You can buy Addison’s book, Saints: Becoming More Than “Christians,” here. You can buy Lisa Bevere’s book Lioness Arising, here. Check out Addison’s IGTV “Why God Won’t Give You Clarity” here. Get access to the conference Addison and I both spoke at here.   As a 35-year-old, the one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that it’s never too early to start taking good care of your skin. I’ve recently become obsessed with Beauty Bio. They have an incredible microneedling tool called the GloPro. It helps create firmer, smoother, and younger looking skin with tighter pores. It’s financially accessible AND time efficient! Go to beautybio.com and check out their GloPro microneedling regeneration tool. Use TRC15 for 15% off your first order.   I am so grateful for my friend Stephanie May Wilson and he her heart to create content to help me walk into a place of God’s presence with trust. She has a new journal called The Between Places: 100 Days to Trusting God When You Don’t Know What’s Next. It’s a prayer journal for seasons of waiting, uncertainty, transitions, and making big decisions. You can pick up your journal at smaywilsonshop.com and use code REFINED for 15% off!

“In the midst of chaos, there’s always a place where peace resides.  We just have to find our way to it”.  — Toni Collier   Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   I have the pleasure of talking to Toni Collier this week. She is a speaker, host, consultant, and the founder of a women’s ministry called Broken Crayons Still Color. She helps women process brokenness and move towards hope. (I spoke to her husband Sam Collier a few weeks ago on the podcast— you can listen here.) We had a wonderful conversation all about her process of healing from traumas, our daddy issues (shoutout to Beyonce), and how she moved from divorce to healing and love.   “Our childhood wounds become the hurdles of our adulthood.”    4 Big Hitters to Overcoming Heartbreak Self-awareness Be honest and confront yourself. Too often, we just survive through traumas. We need to understand that those traumas are not okay and heal from them. We also need to realize that healing isn’t overnight.  Lean in and do the work:  what’s the bottom of your pit? Because of the pain she endured in childhood, she found herself in situations that caused further trauma and pain. “I turned into this extremely hurt, abused, bitter woman and it was leaking everywhere because our pain can just not stay silent.” Beth Moorewas instrumental in Toni’s healing journey. Go to the root of the trauma. Toni shares the success she had with EMDR and what it does to treat trauma. If it’s hysterical, it’s historical. Unhealed trauma manifests in the present. “Until we look ourselves in the eyes and become the healthy whole individuals that we want to date and marry, we’re going to perpetuate a cycle of single people roaming the earth.”   5 Quick Heartbreak Hacks  Unfollow + Block on social. If you think you’ll be tempted to search them, block them! Community: invite trusted people into the process with you. What brings you joy? Self-Care Back to the basics: o   Eat well  o   Sleep well. o   Move your body.   Replenishment Cycle The key here is to have a reserve of health that you can pull on. Ask yourself, ‘What brings my soul, emotions, and spirit joy?’ o   Quiet time // Check out my 7-day devotional o   Meditation // Check out my 30-day Bible study and meditation guide o   Get in nature o   Take care of yourself: nails, hair, get dressed. “The souls God gave us are inside of the bodies he gave us. We get to take care of them too.” o   Working out Set up consistency within your replenishment cycle. Commit to the healing process. Now allowed: a text message from someone. “They cannot fill you up.”   Resources Keep up with Toni on Instagram at @tonijcollier. Check out her work with Broken Crayons Still Color at BrknCrayons.comand @brkncrayons on IG. The Hopeful Woman Collectiveis a private Facebook Group and a space for women to be hopeful that you can join. The Hopeful Woman Courseis available here. You can buy Beth Moore’s book, So Long, Insecurity, here. Keep an eye out for Toni’s 5-Day Broken But Hopeful Challenge starting in September! Listen to Toni’s husband, Sam, on The Refined Collective Podcast here. Because I know it’s probably stuck in your head, here’s Daddy Lessons by Beyoncé. Onsite Workshops in Nashville is another great resource if you want an in-person deep dive into trauma therapy.https://www.onsiteworkshops.com   As a 35-year-old, the one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that it’s never too early to start taking good care of your skin. I’ve recently become obsessed with Beauty Bio. They have an incredible microneedling tool called the GloPro. It helps create firmer, smoother, and younger looking skin with tighter pores. It’s financially accessible AND time efficient! Go to beautybio.com and check out their GloPro microneedling regeneration tool. Use TRC15 for 15% off your first order.   I am so grateful for my friend Stephanie May Wilson and he her heart to create content to help me walk into a place of God’s presence with trust. She has a new journal called The Between Places: 100 Days to Trusting God When You Don’t Know What’s Next. It’s a prayer journal for seasons of waiting, uncertainty, transitions, and making big decisions. You can pick up your journal at smaywilsonshop.com and use code REFINED for 15% off!

Today is a big day, friends, because I’m chatting with Jamie Ivey! A few years ago Jamie had me on her podcast The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey. AND it was the first time I ever opened up about my faith and singleness. It was astonishing to hear the response to that conversation and it is part of the reason I am writing a book. Today, we chat about her book, You Be You, understanding our callings, how the church worships marriage, and how to maintain healthy boundaries in friendships.   Does being single in the church feel like being JV to the Varsity of married couples ?   Worshipping Marriage We talk about how some people feel their biggest calling is being a wife or a mother and the ways it can be a problematic feeling: The 3 Marriage Myths: Marriage will solve your problems, and fix you. i.e. eating disorder, body image, addiction, etc. Marriage makes you more godly. Marriage will jumpstart your purpose and calling. “This is on us as the church to quit proclaiming marriage as God’s greatest gift to us. It is a good gift, but I am not any more special than you because I’m married.”   Can Men and Women Be Friends? (Ya we went there…again). We chat about how if you shut yourself off from any male friendships, you’re missing out on getting to know so many people. Jamie talks about the boundaries she and her husband stick to when it comes to guarding their marriage. #1 thing to keep in mind in guy/girl friendships: COMMUNICATION. If you’re developing feelings for a guy friend… SAY IT!    Knowing Your Calling Sometimes we can feel so paralyzed when trying to identify our calling, but we tend to overcomplicate things. 3 Questions to ask yourself to figure out your calling (brought to you by: Tim Keller) to Know Your Calling: o   Affinity o   Ability o   Opportunity (check the full article here) “God has equipped you to do something great.”   Resources Keep up with Jamie at JamieIvey.com and on IG at @jamieivey. You can buy Jamie’s book You Be You here. Text FRIEND to 33777 and Jamie will send you a free downloadable print and talk to you about her book! You can listen to her podcast The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey here. Listen to my conversation with Jamie Ivey on The Happy Hour Podcast here. Watch Jamie’s family chat with Emmanuel Acho about being white parents raising Black children here. Check out Tim Keller’s Calling Exercise PDF here.

Dr. Sasha Shillcutt is a nationally renowned cardiac anesthesiologist and has witnessed gender-bias in her field. She’s also seen women withdraw and conceal their leadership. We ended up having a completely different conversation than we had planned because we started chatting about the idea of ‘bossiness.’ Do you ever stop and think of how many times you say “I’m sorry” throughout the day to make others feel more comfortable and diminish your own experience? We dive into why that is.   It’s Okay to be Bossy We chat about how our tendency to apologize for everything dims our own light . “We constantly have to ask ourselves: do we have permission to be ourselves today?” Even if we call someone out on inappropriate behavior, we can fall into saying, “I’m sorry, but…” Dr. Sasha now says, “Can you repeat that?” You shouldn’t have to apologize to make someone else feel better about their inappropriate behavior. “Being bossy saves lives. Taking action saves lives.”   Two Strategic Ways to Lead Like a Boss Leading statements When you’re going into an assertive position, this is what you have to do: for the next five minutes you’re going to clearly define where you see [whatever project you’re working on] and you’re doing it this way so you can share clearly your stance. If you anticipate getting emotional, say, “I’m not upset; I’m just super passionate about this.” The next time you’re in a room where a woman asserts herself, affirm her!   Four Ways to Negotiate Like a Boss (Even When You Don’t Know What You’re Doing) Know your non-negotiables and your bottom line Get clear on the things that you will NOT do Be willing to walk away from something good because you know you’re worth something amazing Realize your power Start talking with women about how much you’re making Sallie Krawcheck, the CEO and co-founder of Ellevest shared, “61% of womenwould rather talk about their own death than talk about money.” Know what the other party wants from you How do you know what the other party wants? What are the 3 highest goals for me this year? How do you optimize yourself in those 3 areas? There’s power in being the candidate that negotiates As women, we just feel grateful we got the job Think long-term This breakthrough will support future women “I’m not just negotiating for Sasha, I’m negotiating for my family, my daughters coming behind me, my friends who are women. I’m negotiating for all of them and that empowers me.”   Resources Keep up with Dr. Sasha Shillcutt at com and on IG at @becomebraveenough. You can buy Dr. Sasha’s book, Between Grit and Grace: The Art of Being Feminine and Formidable, here.     Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!

I am so grateful to The Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!   I never thought I’d be talking about things like sexual desire and masturbation, but the masturbation series broke records for downloads. So many of you reached out saying it was what you had been needing to hear. So here I am, back to talk about sexual desire. My heart today is to unpack for you a biblical vision surrounding sexuality and desire and for you to walk away with clarity and practical tools to walk out your sexual desire well in whatever season you may be in.   "You can't talk about sexuality without talking about how we were made. And that will inevitably lead you to who made us. At some point you have to talk about God. Sex. God. They're connected. And they can't be separated. Where the one is, you will always find the other.” —Rob Bell, Sex God   God is NOT Afraid of Your Sexual Desire The rhythm and repetition of the Creation account is filled with erotic language. “The climax of creation is the creation of humanity.” Song of Solomon: Hebrew boys weren’t allowed to read it because it was so erotic. Anyone that says this is just a metaphor for Jesus and the church is dismissing the layered and blatant text. Psalms: And again, “I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you…your love is better than life…on my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night…I cling to you (Ps.63:1-8 emphasis mine).  When was the last time you cried out to God with such visceral language because your longing for Him was so strong?   “God is not shy or embarrassed or afraid of desire or erotic language.”   What is Sexual Desire? “Spirituality can be described as a vast longing that drives us beyond ourselves in an attempt to connect with, to probe and to understand our world. And beyond that, it is the inner compulsion to connect with the Eternal Other, which is God. Essentially, it is a longing to know and be known by God (on physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual levels). This is why we are called to worship God with all that we are—body, mind and soul (Deuteronomy 6:4-9; Mark 12:29-31)…   …Sexuality can be described as the deep desire and longing that drives us beyond ourselves in an attempt to connect with, to understand, that which is other than ourselves. Essentially, it is a longing to know and be known by other people (on physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual levels). It thus forms part of what it means to ‘love others as we love ourselves’ (Mark 12:29-31)…Our deepest longings as human beings are to be in relationship with God and our neighbor—this really and simply is the human condition…   —Debra Hirsch, Redeeming Sex, page 16 (parantheses quote from Alan and Debra Hirsch, Untamed   Sexual Desire vs. Desire for Sex  Sexual desire is the desire to connect outside of ourselves with others—this includes a natural desire for sex—but to say that our sexual desire is the same as our desire for sex is to take a multi-faceted 3-D experience and flatten it into 1-D stick figure. Sexual desire is way more expansive than just bodies touching and fluids exchanging.  God didn’t say humanity is good…but your sexual desire is only good in marriage—he just said it’s very good. There has to be a way to embrace sexuality outside of marriage + outside of sex in a way that’s honoring. This is really good news! Especially for those of us who are single! Having sexual desire is one of the most common human experiences—in fact, if you didn’t have desire—that’s a whole other conversation. Ultimately our sexual desire is a shadow of our desire for God.   Is My Sexual Desire Sinful? God put the penis on the man, and he put the testicles on the man, and he filled those testicles with sperm. He created all tissue—some that would expand, some that would secrete; he filled the man with testosterone to walk through all creation and name the animals, to exercise God-given authority. When Adam was done with that, before sin entered the world, God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him’.   I want to say it again: God’s the one who created and wire this whole thing. In Genesis 2, sin hadn’t even entered the world yet, and God said it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone. So he knocked him out, pulled out a rib, and shaped the woman. And as he shaped the woman differently, he gave her larger breasts, rounder hips, and a vagina. He filled the woman with a different hormone, estrogen. The woman’s body was not the Devil’s idea; it was all God’s doing.” —Matt Chandler, The Mingling of the Souls, page 13   Genesis 1 teaches us that GOD CREATED HUMANS AS HOLISTIC BEINGS. Our sexuality and desires are not a surprise to God; it’s not shameful or taboo: He created it and then called it good. Something about it reflects an aspect of who He is.   “God doesn’t make bad or gross or shameful things. All of who you are reflects the Genesis 1 God image in you.”   Resources Listen to Purity Culture, Painful Sex + Debunking Shame Narrative with Dr. Celeste Holbrook Sign up for my How to Embrace Your Sexuality Course here:https://bit.ly/Trw-embrace Get your free guide 6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life here:ly/trw-datingtips Here’s my IGTV “4 Reasons Why Purity Culture is Missing the Mark” Purchase Matt Chandler’s The Mingling of the Souls Purchase Debra Hirsch’s Redeeming Sex Purchase Rob Bells’ Sex God If you want to stay in touch about my book Sexless in the City, click here for all updates.   Thank you so much to this week’s sponsors of The Refined Collective Podcast!!   As a 35-year-old, the one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that it’s never too early to start taking good care of your skin. I’ve recently become obsessed with Beauty Bio. They have an incredible microneedling tool called the GloPro. It helps create firmer, smoother, and younger looking skin with tighter pores. It’s financially accessible AND time efficient! Go to beautybio.com and check out their GloPro microneedling regeneration tool. Use TRC15 for 15% off your first order.   I am so grateful for my friend Stephanie May Wilson and he her heart to create content to help me walk into a place of God’s presence with trust. She has a new journal called The Between Places: 100 Days to Trusting God When You Don’t Know What’s Next. It’s a prayer journal for seasons of waiting, uncertainty, transitions, and making big decisions. You can pick up your journal at smaywilsonshop.com and use code REFINED for 15% off!

This week, I two guests…double the fun y’all! I have the pleasure of talking to Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick, the podcast hosts of The Dateable Podcast. When they began, it was a whole lot of ‘dating sucks,’ but they’ve transitioned out of that to focusing on getting to the bottom of why people do the things they do. We’re chatting all things dating during COVID, dating in the midst of the BLM Movement, and ALL the things.   It’s Not Just You Everyone thinks they’re alone in their dating struggles, but if you talk to enough people you find that it’s pretty universal. “There’s so much looking outward at other people’s behavior that people forget to look at their own behavior.” One of the biggest struggles in dating is that for a long time, there was just a lot of bad advice out there.   Lessons Learned from Hosting a Dating Podcast “There’s no formula. Love cannot be hacked. It just doesn’t work that way.” Julie and Yue share some of their own dating experiences— they even interviewed some of their first dates for their podcast!! Dating doesn’t always end in marriage, and that is ok! Sometimes the outcome of a date is just a platonic relationship, and that’s okay.   What Dating in 2020 is Really Like…  “This might not end for a while. We just don’t know. The only thing we can do is adapt to what we are given.” Mindset is everything, whether you’re using this time to video date or focus on yourself. “This could be a really great thing for our dating lives if we let it be.” We talk about how more and more people are putting their support of Black Lives Matter in dating profiles, and I share a personal story of ending a first date with a man. “A lot of times, we don’t know what’s important to us until we experience it.” “The key to modern dating is to trust yourself. There isn’t a rulebook.”   Recourses Listen to their podcast, The Dateable Podcast, on iTunes and Spotify. Keep up with Julie and Yue on IG at @dateablepodcast, on FB at Dateable Podcast, and on Twitter at @dateablepodcast. Join their Facebook group Love in the Time of Corona here.   As a 35-year-old, the one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that it’s never too early to start taking good care of your skin. I’ve recently become obsessed with Beauty Bio. They have an incredible microneedling tool called the GloPro. It helps create firmer, smoother, and younger looking skin with tighter pores. It’s financially accessible AND time efficient! Go to beautybio.com and check out their GloPro microneedling regeneration tool. Use TRC15 for 15% off your first order.

I have the absolute pleasure of chatting with pastor, author, and host of the A Greater Story podcast, Sam Collier. He just released a book called A Greater Story all about turning messes into miracles and how God redeemed stories in his life. We chat all about finding our own miracles during COVID-19, his personal journey finding his family, and what it’s like to be a man in the church.   Finding Miracles in COVID-19 “Every miracle is a reaction to the impossible.” Because of COVID-19, Sam has lost family, he has struggled with launching his book, and being a speaker has been made incredibly difficult. “Maybe this book can help people find the miracle that they need in this season.” For those of us who may struggle with comparison, sometimes the miracle is just learning to trust God rather than a specific result we’ve been waiting for. “When change happens, we tend to focus on the challenges. If you look there, that is all you’ll see. If you decide in the midst of the change to try to find the opportunity, then you may end up finding a miracle.” “God never promised us perfection, but that He would be with us in the imperfection and that if He doesn’t move the move the mountain He’ll give us the power to climb it.”   Finding Family “Whatever lack I was supposed to be experiencing from the absence of my biological family, I just didn’t have” Sam shares his experience finding his biological mother and meeting her for the first time on national television. He talks about the discoveries he made about himself when he found his biological family and how those things helped him understand who he is.   Being a Black Man We talk about the differences between how the church fosters men versus women. The male/female dynamics have shifted over the years, and we explore how we can find a balance of needing another person and being our own empowered individuals. Sometimes it feels like our only options are what culture says vs what the religious spirit says. But there is a third option: what Jesus says. “We want to feel strong. We want to feel like we matter. We want to feel like we’re important… like someone is proud of us.”   Resources Buy Sam’s book at AGreaterStory.org(it just came out August 4th!!) Keep up with Sam on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.   As a 35-year-old, the one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that it’s never too early to start taking good care of your skin. I’ve recently become obsessed with Beauty Bio. They have an incredible microneedling tool called the GloPro. It helps create firmer, smoother, and younger looking skin with tighter pores. It’s financially accessible AND time efficient! Go to beautybio.com and check out their GloPro microneedling regeneration tool. Use TRC15 for 15% off your first order.   Are you using the right product for your hair? Function of Beauty is hair care that is formulated specifically for you. They create shampoo, condition, and treatments to fit your unique needs. First, you take a quiz telling them about your hair. Their team determines the right blend of ingredients, bottle your order, and send it all right to your door! Plus, they’re vegan and cruelty-free. Go to functionofbeauty.com/refined to take your hair profile quiz and save 20% off your first order.

“You can never say, do, or be the wrong thing to the right person.”—Hugette Montesinos Rodriguez   Hugette Montesinos Rodriguez is the CEO of Disfunkshion Magazine and has worked with thousands of women worldwide spreading her message of living a delicious life as she moves from fear to freedom. She is the most colorful person I know and I’m so excited to be talking with her about sex, specifically married sex, and if it was better because she waited for it.   A Non-Linear Love Story After 9 months of marriage to her high school sweetheart, Hugette discovered some heartbreaking things that led to divorce. She recalls turning to God in this season of heartbreak and healing.  “You go from building a life and a future… to all of a sudden your entire foundation being completely destroyed.”   Love Fast She remembers looking up at the midnight sky on New Year’s Eve promising that for the first 3 months of the year she’d turn all of her thoughts and hopes for love over to God. She went ziplining in Costa Rica “…and that’s where I met my delicious husband.” This was in the middle of her love fast, but she ended up connecting with him and he used a really smooth line on her. As they began connecting more online, she noticed he was committed to God.  Realizing she was getting interested, she was honest with him and told him she needed to not talk to him until April. He respected it.   Unlikely Love Hugette shares a moment when it felt like God was working in her life in a major way. After three months, they knew they wanted to get married. They spent a year and a half long distance dating and now they’ve been married for 5 years and have a wonderful 10-month-old baby girl. In that time, Hugette was clear with him that she wanted to wait until marriage to have sex and his response was what everyone dreams they would hear.   Married Sex Hugette shares what it was like for her to abstain from sex waiting for marriage when she had had sex in your previous marriage. She is honest about the fact that sex with her ex-husband was painful and lacking compared to sex with her husband now. “Every part of it… it’s like a party. It’s a celebration every time. I know I can be free and I can enjoy every bit of it.” We chat about the difference between external and internal orgasm. The first time she experienced both was with her husband. “It’s this mind-blowing experience. There’s a reason why this is so sacred. There’s that physical, spiritual, and emotional connection.”   Managing Expectations There’s so much pressure around the wedding night that their wedding night was actually terrifying. But they were able to have an open conversation about it. “Don’t go into marriage thinking you’re going to have mind-blowing sex on day one.” Hugette shares that it’s important to think of more than just attraction. “If life is this marathon that you’re going to run together, who is going to be your best teammate who is really going to be alongside you?” She stresses the importance of communication and vulnerability. Tell him what you like. “When a guy is really that into you, so much of his sense of pleasure and satisfaction comes from seeing the satisfaction in you.”   Resources Keep up with Hugette at @disfunkshionmagand dsfmag.com Check out her FREE Radical Joy Toolkit here. Hugette will soon be launching her Radical Woman Roadmap, a coaching program where she helps women navigate all of these fears to step into a place of freedom.  Listen to Dr. Celeste’s episode: Purity Culture, Painful Sex + Debunking Shame Narrative Listen to Stephanie May Wilson’s episode: Dating Tips, Deal Breakers and Myths     Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407     Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

This episode is really special, friends. I didn’t come into this episode with a real plan for a direction our conversation would take and I’m glad I didn’t because it naturally went to some amazing places. This week, I’m chatting with Todd McCullough, founder of TMAC Fitness. We spoke about conflict resolution, fitness, our backgrounds as athletes, but we kept coming back to the value of relationship and community over being ‘right.’   Who We Really Are As I read his bio, we chat about the fact that it’s so hard to keep them short and accurate. Todd acknowledges that bios only show our accomplishments, and never the failures that led us to those accomplish those things. We each share three bullet point failure moments that were pivotal to how we became the people we are shown to be in our bios.   Being Okay With Conflict I tend to be okay with saying what needs to be said even if it’s going to ruffle feathers. We tend to surround ourselves with people who act as an echo chamber for us. But is the goal in life to be conflict-free or to have unity? “We would rather be right than actually find truth and I think that’s a breakdown right now in society.” Todd shares his experience growing up in a conservative community and then living in a progressive community He opens up about how he loves God, but he loves to listen to Sam Harris, who is an atheist, because it challenges him and helps him understand his faith on a deeper level. “Why do I believe this?”   Black Lives Matter Todd believes it’s important to judge the individual rather than the group. And I share my thoughts on systemic racism and corporate sin. “The hard part about blind spots is that you can’t see what you can’t see.” Todd shares his experience as someone with family members who are police officers. He shares that he has had conversations with the Black people in his life about their interactions with police officers and they look different from the interactions he’s had. “If you believe that we’re all brothers and sister, then you should look out for those that are being treated poorly.” “Nobody wants to hear what you believe; people want to see how you live your life.”   “Does Jesus love the people I hate?”   Speed Round Number one thing you can do to propel your wellness and fitness? His focus has shifted over the years from working out, to eating well, to meditation, but it has always circled back to one thing: having a healthy identity as an individual. “God’s not going to love me anymore if I have a six pack” Is alcohol good or bad for your fitness? Depends on the individual. He shares his own drinking routine. How is physical fitness a manifestation of your spiritual life? “We have a personal responsibility to give our best each and every day to our loved ones and our community. Fitness is simply a tool to do that.”   “Fitness is a tool to dive into the spiritual.”   Resources: Listen to my thoughts on Black Lives Matter in episode 98. Check out Todd’s FREE at-home workouts at bit.ly/trctmac. Keep up with Todd at com and on IG at @tmacfitness.   Who loves free workouts? Uhm, ME! Todd has a free 10-day at-home workout training plan. The workouts are 20 minutes, end with a meditation and prayer, and there is no equipment needed! How amazing is that? These workouts are for beginners and the more advanced. To get more info head over to bit.ly/trctmac.   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

Today is part TWO of a conversation on masturbation on the podcast. If you missed part one, check it out here before you listen to this episode. This week, I’ll be walking through what the Bible says about masturbation and if it is really a sin.    Is Masturbation A Sin? Brokenness is the beginning of the gospel—David Kim.    My honest answer is: yes, no, maybe. o   Is it possible to touch myself and explore my body and experience pleasure and stay connected to myself, God, and others? I think so. All the way from Genesis to Revelation there’s this rhythm we see of death to life, brokenness to restoration, renewal and redemption.[1]Clearly there is some real brokenness with masturbation, but if Jesus came to make all things new, is it possible that He could have a redemptive vision for this too[2] 1 Corinthians 6:12-13; 10:23 o   Paul says it twice: Everything is lawful, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.   How Can Masturbation Be A Win? Pleasure God is for our pleasure. How do I know? Taste buds, sunsets, brownie sundaes, and the only purpose of the clitoris is pleasure. Practice Healthy Consent Consent in sexual encounters whether it’s a hug or sex is VITAL. But if we don’t know what we want or what feels good we won’t have the tools to communicate our wants and needs. Masturbation can be a way to: o   Know your body. o   Know what feels good and doesn’t feel good. o   And have the ability to communicate that.   Mutual Honor and Acceptance We put on other people a tenth of what we put on ourselves. If I judge, shame, dismiss my sexual desire and in essence don’t accept it, how can I accept my partner’s?   Connection and Innocence To God: o   Mark 12:29-30— love God with all of you. To self and others: o   Matthew 18:3— be like little children. o   If little children can masturbate in innocence, can we not get back to that as well?   Practice Being Present: Sensuality Dr. Celeste Holbrook, the Christian sexologist, describes sensuality beautifully: it’s the act of being present. She talks about how toddlers are the most sensual beings because they’re in a constant state of discovery. Porn and masturbation are not mutually exclusive. Removes fear and shame around body, self, and sexual desire.   Questions to Ask Yourself Am I addicted to porn? I am not here to shame you if this is your story. Masturbation for a person addicted to porn would be like a drunk living at a bar. Not a win for you right now. Phylicia Masonheimer has some amazing resources for you around this topic. Sexuality can be activated by abuse. If that is your story, I am so sorry and remember that it is never your fault. Your sexuality is not tainted and you have permission to work through this. Why am I feeling turned on right now? 50 Shades of Grey, porn, or a normal Wednesday afternoon? What am I really looking for in this moment? Connection? Intimacy? Release? How can I honor myself, God, and my future in this moment? Really take the time to answer this question for yourself.  If shame weren’t a part of the conversation, how would I show up? Shame and fear is not the heart of God— Ephesians 3— rooted and grounded in love. Jesus came for the abundant life— not a spirit of fear, but of power! Is it possible to masturbate and stay present and not fantasize? Is it possible to remain in healthy community with myself, God and others and masturbate? Is it possible to experience self-pleasure and remain outward focused? Yes! Grace Alone: In every other area of our lives we’re willing to fumble, but sexually we’re so terrified. It’s like 1-strike you’re out and sent to the pit of hell. No! Just because some people may become alcoholics, doesn’t mean everyone will. Who am I becoming? (Jon Tyson) What are the actions, words, choices of your life propelling you towards? When to discern if this is problematic behavior? o   Porn/erotica. o   Isolation. o   Keeping you from relationship. o   Distraction from everyday activities. o   Can’t work, go out, or sleep without it— like any addiction. o   Fantasy land vs. real life.   So is masturbation a sin? Yes, no, maybe. Where is your heart? I have masturbated in all 3 scenarios. Give yourself permission to search your heart, to explore, and seek God’s heart. If fear is a part of the conversation, reject it!   Resources: Embrace Your Sexuality Mini Course. Sign up for one on one coaching with me here. Phylicia Masonheimer offers 7-day free content for those struggling with porn addiction. Celeste’s TRC episode: Purity Culture, Painful Sex + Debunking Shame Narrative Phylicia Masonheimer’s TRC episode: Who Should I Date? Jon Tyson’s TRC episode: Developing a New Vision for Christian Sexuality Get on my mailing list for my book launch!   Books to Read: *** Note: I don’t agree with everything in these books, but they are great resources*** Redeeming Sex by Debra Hirsch Mingling of the Souls by Matt Chandler Sex God by Rob Bell Theology of the Body for Beginners: A Basic Introduction to Pope John Paul II's Sexual Revolution by Christopher West [1] Timothy Keller. The Gospel in All Its Forms. Acts 29, December 12, 2008. https://www.acts29.com/tim-keller-explains-the-gospel/. Accessed September 10, 2019. Another incredible resource on this is the book Every Good Endeavor by Timothy Keller. It’s a book I wish  I would’ve read when I was in my 20s; it would’ve saved me a lot of heartache. [2] “He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” (New International Version, Revelation 21:5). Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   A HUGE shoutout to some of our newest Patreon supporters: Rhianna Duet, Cindy Chan, Chris Kottak, Mary Elizabeth, Mallory Stearns, Marina Mayer, and Nicole Magloire! We are so grateful for you!   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

Today is Part 1 of a conversation I have been avoiding having with you guys in a solo show.  I’ve been afraid of getting it wrong, and afraid of someone taking a sound bite out of context. But I don’t want fear to keep me from this dialogue. There’s also a reason I talk about masturbation in a workshop setting, in my online courses and with one on one coaching clients. It’s a nuanced conversation with a lot of grey areas which are harder to teach to the masses. However, I don’t think this information needs to solely go to people who have the budget for it. So today, I am diving right into Part I of a two part series on masturbation.   Here’s what I won’t do: Tell you what to do. Give you a script to regurgitate to yourself and others to justify any of your actions. Shame or judge you for your past or your current decisions. Try to fix you or convince you of anything.   What I hope to do: Point you to Jesus, to Scripture, and to nuance. Normalize a healthy conversation around sex, sexuality, desire, and yes— masturbation o   The word alone can feel shame inducing, right? How many times do you say ‘masturbation’ out loud on a regular basis? o   God is not ashamed of our sexual desire and sexuality—he created it (Genesis 1: 26-31). Give you tools to equip you to navigate your faith, values, and a dialogue around masturbation. Don’t take my word for it—I’m not God. This is where I am at after close to 7 years of researching, praying, doubting, trial and error, and tough conversations. God created you with a mind—use it!   Finally, it’s ok if we don’t see eye to eye—we can still love, respect, and honor one another even if we come to different conclusions.   My Personal Story:  Before we move forward with vision and walk out today with clarity, we have to be willing to look backwards: how, why, and through what means did we get here? ·      Home: ‘It’s okay to masturbate.’ ·      School: Silence. ·      Friends: Silence, masked conversations, and shame. ·      Culture: ‘Do what feels good.’ ·      Church: All wrong, all the time, shut down your desire until marriage—only guys struggle with sexual desire.   4 Questions to Ask Yourself ·      What do you currently believe about masturbation and why? ·      What were you taught about masturbation at home, school, from friends, culture, and church? ·      Where and how were those beliefs formed? ·      Are those sexual scripts/beliefs rooted in fear or freedom? ·      Identify the shame agenda + the Jesus agenda.   The Big ‘O’: The Power of the Orgasm ·      When we orgasm, dopamine and oxytocin are released in a surge in our bodies. o   Dopamine is a neurotransmitter released from the reward center part of our brain associated with pleasure. o   Oxytocin is a feel-good hormone. One of its sole purposes is to create deep bonds between people. This is like “soul ties.”   The Harem Within: C.S. Lewis “For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself…and turns it back: sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides. And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no real woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover: no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity. In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself . . . .After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little, dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison”[1]   1.     My pleasure is #1 priority ·      Ephesians 5: Respect our husbands and husbands to serve their wives like Christ served the church. ·      Our sexual experiences with our spouses should be outward focused, let’s serve each other—not ‘I’m feeling turned on, get me off, and then roll over.’ 2.     Ends on self ·      Sexuality = desire for ‘o’ others. ·      Gets us outside of our heads and into relationship and community with others. 3.     No iron sharpens iron here folks ·      Conflict resolution. ·      Mirrors of each other. ·      Constant growth. ·      “Brides always adored” or “yes men.” 4.     FANTASY LAND: Loving the prison more than real life ·      I don’t want to get so good at getting myself off that I don’t need another person. ·      91% of millennials masturbate (19 and 36 for SKYN's 2018 Millennial Sex Survey, and found that 91 percent of respondents masturbated. https://www.bustle.com/p/how-millennials-are-masturbating-in-2018-9121392) ·      2015—Pornhub site: 60% of its users were millennials. ·      Compartmentalized and scratching just of an itch that we don’t need to/want to take the risk of being in a relationship and dating. ·      Avoiding: heartbreak, awkwardness, conflict, rejection. ·      Is this why so many of us in the church are single? We’re getting just enough of our “itches” scratched that the risk of truly putting ourselves out there to be in a relationship is not worth it?   Don’t worry, I won’t leave you hanging. Process what we’ve just gone through today and get ready for Part 2 coming next Wednesday. In the meantime, journal through the questions I ask above under “4 Questions to Ask Yourself.” Make sure you’re subscribed to the podcast so the next episode will download straight to your devices!!   Resources: ·      Your Mind Matters by John Stott ·      How to Embrace Your Sexuality Mini Course ·      Sign up for one on one coaching with me here. ·      Get on my email list to get updates on my book launch.   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!  [1] C.S. Lewis. Personal Letter From Lewis to Keith Masson found in The Collected Letters of C.S. Lewis, Volume 3: Narnia, Cambridge, and Joy 1950-1963. (New York: Harper Collins, 2007).

Victim of sexual exploitation turned UCLA honor student, Harmony Grillo founded the non-profit Treasures in 2003 to help women and girls entrenched in sexual exploitation find freedom. She has provided training for the Department of Justice and the FBI and has helped launch outreaches in 120 cities worldwide. She shares her story in her memoir, Scars and Stilettos. This week on the podcast, we chat about how God has redeemed dreams in her life, how she learned to acknowledge the trauma bonds in her life and find freedom from sexual exploitation, and now help others find that same freedom.   Redeeming the Dream Harmony shares some moments, big and small, where her dreams didn’t play out the way she wanted them to. God redeemed the dream every time. “I’m living God’s promise of restoration.”   Trauma Bonds Harmony’s history is full of abuse and trauma. Later in her childhood, an older guy friend who she thought of as a protector became her abuser and exploiter when she worked in strip clubs. Trauma bonds involve a power imbalance where there is erratic abuse and there are scattered times of good.   Freedom From Sexual Exploitation She fondly remembers a girl she met at the time who loved her as she was and helped her on her journey to freedom. “I didn’t start making those changes because someone told me that I should, I did it because it’s what I desired and what I felt like I was being invited to do as I walked out my path of growing in relationship with Him.” She reflects on this time and realizes that she wouldn’t have had the same transformation she did if she was simply given a strict set of rules to follow.   Treasures Treasures is Harmony’s faith-based organization, though it welcomes all religions. They meet everyone where they’re at and respect who they are as they are. “What are we being invited into?” “Sometimes the most therapeutic thing is a healthy, reciprocal relationship where you feel emotionally safe.”   Resources: Check out Harmony’s websites iamatreasure.com and harmonygrillo.com Keep up with her on Instagram at @harmonygrillo and @treasures.la You can buy her memoir, Scars and Stilettos, and learn more about her story here.   Resources on Women + Hyper-sexualization in Our Culture Boys and Sex by Peggy Orenstein Girls and Sex by Peggy Orenstein Female Chauvinist Pigs by Ariel Levy   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

Relationship coach and expert Amanda Blair Hopkins is on the podcast this week for the second time ever! She is a previous guest on episode 36: How to Pursue Wholeness Before Pursuing a Relationship. She is a relationship coach for Lacy Phillips’s To Be Magnetic (who is a TRC Podcast guest as well: episode 46: How to be 100% in Your Worth.   It’s in the first few years of our lives that we learn how to relate and attach to the people we love. We learn patterns and behaviors that become so familiar to us they can be hard to identify. There are multiple different “attachment” styles in relationships. Do you know which one you are? Amanda unpacks what the four main attachment styles, and we both share personal stories as examples of our own.    We also compromise in real time about the matching tattoo we’re going to get!     What Are Attachment Styles? John Bowlby, author of Attachment and Loss, found the way you attach to your parents/caregivers in childhood is the way you attach to your romantic partners later in life. Essentially, your attachment style is built on what you learned love is. Changing your attachment style is possible, but it takes hard work and consistency. “Realizing what your attachment style is offers you a lot of freedom. It gives you a way to remember that at your core you are whole. You are love. You are divine. That idea that you could be broken is false.” Don’t let your type become an excuse not to grow.    Breaking Down The 4 Attachment Styles Anxious (Insecure) When you were a baby through 14 years old, it was the way your parents attuned to you. They weren’t always meeting your needs, so you learned that love is unstable and untrustworthy.  If you’re anxious, work through this exercise here. Avoidant (Insecure) The parent wasn’t getting their own needs met, so they didn’t meet their kid’s needs. The kid shuts down to their needs so they shut down their emotions to avoid rejection. They keep love at arm’s length to avoid being engulfed by it. Ex: They’ll say they’re very independent because they learned early on to shut down their needs. In relationships, they’ll have walls up, fail to be vulnerable, and they may come on super strong in the beginning and then as soon as it gets real, they pull away. Anxious/Avoidant (Insecure) A combination of Anxious and Avoidant. Secure Parents were attuned to the child, so their needs were met and there was a trust there. Then, in adulthood, they trust that people mean what they say and that they will do right by them.   The Healing Journey “It is progress, not perfect. You have to look for the progress because that is what will help you along this path.” We talk about how sometimes you have to really run into the fire to learn your lesson, instead of going through a bunch of minor lessons that never really stick. Running into the fire could be an important part of your healing process.    6 Practical Ways To Become Secure Read Attachedand do more research on attachment theory. Take inventory of your last five relationships: what happened, how you felt, what you feel you did, what you feel they did. Notice any patterns and moments when your attachment style activated in those relationships. Walk through this process with a coach (Amanda takes one on one clients!) If you’re anxious, start speaking up, communicating your needs, understanding your boundaries, and holding your boundaries. If you’re avoidant, get out there, get seen, be vulnerable with friends or online. Support all of this work with the energetic work Amanda teaches with To Be Magnetic.   Feeling Stuck? Work with someone along the process—we were never meant to go through life alone. We all need guidance.  “If you have hit a wall, get someone to help you climb over it or see that there’s no wall there, or climb underneath it or walk over it. That help will get you so much further, because you could stare at that wall for three years.” A virtual ACA 12 Step rooms (Adult Children of Alcoholics) is a great place to start if finances prevent you from investing in the process. It is for anyone who experienced dysfunctional family relationships.   What happens when you get triggered into old behavior? Awareness Self Care Practice Calming Techniques i.e. EFT tapping, breathwork (link to Jackie V. podcast), meditation (like to meditation blog post), + anxiety relief exercises (link to blog post)   8 Resources to step into more Secure Attachment Styles You can find Amanda on IG at @xoamandablairand her blog AmandaBlair.org. To schedule a coaching session, go to tobemagnetic.comand book her through the one on one menu page. She is not a Christian, but I trust her to coach me because she honors that part of me. Listen to Amanda’s first episode of The Refined Collective here. Listen to Lacy Phillips’s episode of The Refined Collective here. Buy the book Attachedhere. Interested in learning more about EFT Tapping? Listen to Jackie Viramontez’s episode of the podcast hereand check out her Etched Daily resources here. For a Christian perspective on attachment, check out How We Lovehere. Check out our resources for anxietyand meditation for beginners.   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

Jillian Turecki is a NYC based certified relationship coach, yoga teacher and writer. For 20 years, she has been studying the body and the mind. Fueled by an insatiable curiosity about what makes a relationship thrive. Through her work, Jillian has helped thousands revolutionize their relationship with themselves so that they can transform their love lives. Jillian is sought out for her compassionate, direct, and very authentic style of coaching and teaching. Under the tutelage of Tony Robbins and world-renowned family therapist Cloe Madanes, Jillian is certified by the Robbins Madanes Center for Strategic Intervention.   “Our entire experience of life boils down to relationship. From the intimacy we crave with a partner to the success we achieve through our work. None of it is possible without understanding our own psychology and the psychology of those we relate to. We never learned this at school, but it is learnable.” - Jillian Turecki   What does it mean to be blocked from love? Your psychology determines your energy and how you show up in your life. “Just because you really want something, doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s coming to you as quickly as you would like it to come.” When we’re in a desperate place we’re blocking ourselves.   5 Ways to identify if you’re blocking yourself from love? Are you afraid? Maybe you want a relationship, but you also associate a lot of pain with relationships. Are you losing faith? Or maybe you’ve put yourself out there so much + are losing faith that it’ll happen. What’s fueling your desire? Anxiety, desperation, fear? Do you feel desperate for love? Maybe even obsessed with a relationship? Like your life, purpose, and calling revolve around getting married. (aka…my life will start when I meet my person)?   How our beliefs impact our ability to attract love: “Whatever we believe, we’ll see evidence of it everywhere.” You have the ability to challenge your beliefs:  Is this really true?  Is it possible you could be wrong? We don’t do anything that doesn’t have a side benefit.  Ask yourself these 2 questions:  What’s the reward you’re getting for the beliefs?  Why are you trying to keep yourself safe + protected?   A Roadmap to Clear the Way for Love: 6 Practical things you can do today. Identifythe beliefs that are holding you back. Break freefrom the addiction of surrounding yourself with people with the same limiting beliefs. Talk to people who don’t share those beliefs about love and are able to offer you a different perspective. Identify the experiencesin your life that have led you here. Ask yourself:Is your perspective freeing you or choking you? Self-worth:When we obsess over love, it’s because deep down we doubt we’re worthy of it. Enough-ness:Where are your fears of not being enough getting in your way?   #1 thing you can do to unblock love: Learn how to be secure in your worth and make yourself happy as opposed to waiting for someone to make you happy: Marriage is not the be all end all. Mixed Messages: if someone is uncertain about you—there have to be boundaries. “If a guy likes you, you’ll know. If he doesn’t, you’ll be confused.”   How buying into the myth of the ‘independent woman’ could be keeping you from love: Are you independent, codependent, or interdependent? Codependence: I can’t be happy unless you’re happy. I don’t know what my needs are. I can’t focus on my life because I’m only focusing on yours. Independence:I don’t need anyone. If I’m vulnerable I’m weak. Interdependence:I love you, but I don’t need you to make me happy.   Resources: Check out Jillian’s website here, where you can join her Conscious Woman Membership. Follow Jillian on Instagram at @jillianturecki Have any questions for Jillian? Reach out to her here! Or email her [email protected].   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   A HUGE shoutout to some of our newest Patreon supporters: Judy Mills, Amanda Curry, Jane Jackson, and LB! We are so grateful for you!   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

Today, I am chatting with the wonderful Ty Alexander! She is the author of Things I Wish I Knew Before My Mom Died, where she talks about how women of color need a space to discuss their mental wellness without judgement or shame. She has created a wellness community for women to do just that. In this episode, we chat about finding joy in life, how to approach grief and healing, how to care for yourself before others, and how to be a true ally right now.   Finding Joy + Healing The Renaissance Woman: Ty talks about pursuing the things in life that bring her joy, recently that has been DJing. “So I’m supposed to live until 90 or 100 and I only have one joyful thing that I like to do? That’s absurd.”  One thing that has always brought Ty a lot of joy is writing. She discovered the therapeutic effects of writing and journaling at a young age. Writing has helped her with both releasing her feelings as well as expressing them to others. “I am solely operating as God’s vessel, so whatever lane He wants me to be in, whatever conversations He wants me to be a part of, I just kind of move through that.” “I can be joyful and be sad too. They run parallel. You experience them both.”   Recovering From Another’s Addiction Ty remembers the moment she realized her father’s addiction problems were resurfacing when her mother became sick. “That was the first time that 1) I realized I need to put myself first and 2) the first time I realized that my dad was a human being first.” Ty shares what forgiveness looks like for her, specifically when it came to forgiving her father who struggled with addiction. It didn’t bring closure. “Forgiveness just means that I acknowledge that something happened, I acknowledge that it was bad, and I’m going to move on.” “That baggage— while that’s my dad— that’s not my baggage. That’s your bag and should you need help figuring out how to unpack it, how to move it along, I can, but I can’t touch your bag.” She shares the guilt she felt from herself when she didn’t go see her mother in her final moments. She is able to look back now and recognize that she made the right choice for herself.   Fighting Racism + Becoming an Ally At the time of recording this, not many people were discussing the murder of Ahmaud Arbery. Ty shares that she felt like the only one using her voice for the unheard. Ty shares that being an ally is more than just reposting on Instagram. If something she shares on social media inspires you, take that information and apply it to real life. Bring it out and use it at dinner table conversations. “You have to be able to be brave enough to gut check your family members or your friends.”   Parting advice from Ty: “You really have to practice being able to serve you first in whatever capacity you need it.”   Resources You can buy Ty’s book Things I Wish I Knew Before My Mom Died, here. Follow her on IG at @tyalexander and on Twitter at @lovetyalexander. Her wellness community is @selfcareirl and selcareirl.com. You can listen to her podcast, Self Care IRL here.   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

“For me, I believe that Black lives matter. That’s what I said. Anyone with a functioning brain understands that all lives matter. Anybody. But right now there is a portion of our community that is frustrated, and they are suffering, and they are hurting. So, as an empathetic Christian I’m gonna go and say I agree with the statement Black lives do matter. But I was glad some people disagreed with me, because I kept saying, do Black lives matter yes or no? yes but…I’m like there is no but. We disagree. Those are the same type of people that would have interrupted Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount. Jesus would have been like, blessed are the poor…no Jesus blessed are all people. Since when does highlighting one issue disparage another? Are we not secure enough to be able to sit here and go issue by issue and talk about one without disparaging another? Of course all lives matter, but it’s okay to say Black lives matter. What’s wrong with you? This is not rocket science. All lives matter. No kidding. That’s why Black lives matter, because until all lives matter equally, we need to focus on this.” -Carl Lentz, 2016   This is the most important episode I will ever release. I hope you approach it with an open heart.   Just recently: George Floyd was murdered by a police officer while three other police officers stood by and did nothing. Breonna Taylor was in her home in the middle of the night when police broke in, unannounced, and shot her to death. Ahmaud Arbery was out for a run when two men chased him and shot him to death. Christian Cooper was bird watching in Central Park when a woman threatened to call the police and say that an African American man was threatening her life. He was not.   It doesn’t stop there. The following Black men and women have been murdered by police: Philando Castile Atatiana Jefferson Eric Reason Natasha McKenna Botham Jean Walter Scott Bettie Jones Tamir Rice Michael Brown Dominique Clayton Eric Garner Trayvon Martin  Tanisha Anderson Sandra Bland Freddie Gray   THESE ARE JUST THE NAMES WE KNOW. Do you know how hard it is to find a full list of Black people who have been murdered at the hands of police brutality?    Here’s a brief history of the Black lives lost in our country over the past few years along with the #Blacklivesmatter gaining momentum:   ·      2013: #Blacklivesmatter first appears on twitter ·      7/17/14: Eric Garner dies in NY after being arrested ·      8/9/14: Michael Brown is killed during an encounter with police officer in Ferguson, MO. ·      11/22/14: Tamir Rice is killed by police in Cleveland while playing with a toy gun ·      11/24/14: Announcement that there will be no indictment in Michael Brown case ·      4/19/15: Freddie Gray dies in Baltimore while in police custody ·      6/17/15: Charleston church shooting kills 9 people ·      7/13/15: Sandra Bland is found hung in Texas jail cell   STATS ·      99% of killings by police from 2013-2019 have not resulted in officers being charged with crime. ·      Unarmed Black people were killed by police at 5x the rate of unarmed white people in 2015. ·      Police killed at least 104 unarmed Black people in 2015— nearly 2x a week. ·      1 in 3 young Black men will be incarcerated in their life (compared to 1 in 17 white men). ·      13TH DOC: “The film’s premise is that while the 13th Amendment to the Constitution eliminated slavery and involuntary servitude, it in effect had an unintentional loophole that asserted “except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted.”” ·      Black people make up 6.5% of the American population but make up 40.2% of the prison population. ·      Our prison population went from less than 200k in 1970 to 2.3m today. This is what we refer to when we talk about mass incarceration.   THERE ARE PROVEN STRATEGIES that significantly reduce police killings, but very few Police Departments have adopted them. These are: Requirements that officers use all means other than shooting (decreases death by 25%) Requires all use of force be reported (decreases death by 25%) Bans chokeholds + strangleholds (decreases death by 22%) Has use of force continuum (decreases death by 19%) Requires de-escalation (decreases death by 15%) Duty to intervene if another officer uses excessive force (decreases death by 9%) Restricts shooting at moving vehicles (decreases death by 8%) Requires warning before shooting (decreases death by 5%) *You can call your local representatives and demand these 8 things be instituted with your local law enforcement. Want to learn more? Click here: https://8cantwait.org   WHY DO BLACK LIVES MATTER? My Personal Reckoning: 2016 ·      I didn’t realize my own white privilege for a long time. I felt better than the other white people when it came to bias and racism because I grew up in a broken home filled with drugs, addiction, affairs, and even lived in a town where I was a minority. The reality is I have loved Black culture for most of my life, but I have done very little to be an advocate for justice for my Black brothers and sisters. I’m so sorry for this. ·      I received a DM from a Black woman who encouraged me to diversify who I was interviewing on The Refined Woman. Almost all of my collaborations and interviews for the first few years of The Refined Woman were with white women. I was a white girl blogger. ·      In 2016 I also wrote an All Lives Matter blog post that fortunately never went live. I didn’t understand what it meant that Black Lives Matter. As a Christian I assumed didn’t all lives matter? Thank God I have a team, and thank God I didn’t go live with that painful article. I was very, very wrong.    Black Lives Matter, and here’s why:   Jesus was a 1st Century Palestinian Jewish man. He had brown skin and was hated by the religious, and beaten and killed by law enforcement. If he was alive today in America, he’d be a minority immigrant who probably wouldn’t step foot inside white evangelical churches except to flip over tables. The Western Evangelical Church in America has become a religion for rich, advantaged, and privileged white people—which is the exact opposite of the roots of Christianity and the life of Jesus. Jesus hung out with the oppressed people of society, those ostracized, those who didn’t feel safe in the church—those who were judged and cast off. He fought for justice, restored dignity and humanity from the woman at the well, woman caught in adultery, to touching people with contagious diseases and engaging with people outside of the Jewish law which would have made him unclean in Jewish circles. But he didn’t care, because He was on a mission to do God’s work.   Friend, if you are a follower of Jesus and do not have a heart for justice, racial reconciliation and to see the systemic walls, pillars, and foundations of racism in our country to be dismantled, you are out of alignment with the heart of God.   Who does Jesus care about?   -       Prodigal Son returns: the jealous brother instead of the father rejoicing over the return + safety of his son. But don’t I matter—OF COURSE YOU MATTER, BUT YOUR BROTHER WAS LOST + NOW IS FOUND.    -       Luke 15: Jesus leaves the 99 to go after the one sheep. He cares about the individual.   It’s time to get back in touch with the heart of Jesus. Do all lives matter? YES. But until Black lives matter—we better go after that. Jesus went after the one.   What can you do?    #1: Acknowledge If we don’t heal our past, it will follow us. And ours is HAUNTING US. -Kat Harris   1.     Until we acknowledge the experience of what it means to be a Black person in America there is no chance at healing. 2.     When someone dies, you show up. 3.     “I don’t know the full story.” You don’t have to. 4.     “People are just reposting for attention…not for the right reasons.” You don’t know their hearts. And so what? Does that mean you get to stay silent? 5.     Here’s what’s true: in 1619 was when the first wave of Black people were kidnapped from Africa to become slaves in Jamestown. July 4th isn’t a celebration of independence for Black people. They weren’t free when those freedom bells rang. America was built on the backs of terrorism and genocide and slavery of Black people, people of color and indigenous people. 6.     If we don’t heal our past, it will follow us. And ours is HAUNTING US. 7.     We have to look back before we can move forward. 8.     One of the first things we can do is acknowledge our white privilege. What is white privilege and how do you know if you have it? Go through these statements.   #2: Get Curious I STARTED NOTICING + GETTING CURIOUS: ·      Why did I have so few Black friends? ·      Why were there some Black people and people of color at my church but none on staff or leadership or in the decision-making rooms? ·      I changed churches because I wanted to be a part of a community with women in leadership, then I noticed almost every week at church I could count on one hand the number of Black people at my church…why? ·      Why were influential Black Christian people like Lecrae + Andre Henry leaving the church? ·      How come at my favorite salad place every single person in line buying was white and all the people working in the buffet are Black? ·      How come the expensive gym I had a membership to had mostly white members, and yet almost every single one of the people working there from front desk to maintenance are Black? ·      This started making me very uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to do—so I’d talk with my friends about it…but really I didn’t do much about it. I deeply regret this. #3: PRAY + REPENT: ·      When have you been complicit, silent, and chosen ignorance out of comfort and convenience? Write it down, say it out loud, pray, and repent. ·      Psalm 13 is great to walk through lament. ·      Psalm 51 is great to walk through repentance. #4: ACTIVATE: ·      Sign petitions for racial justice. change.org is a great start for this! ·      Talk with friends and family. ·      When you see racism, call it out. ·      Post on your platforms. ·      Call your local representatives and demand justice. ·      Support Black-owned businesses. ·      Donate to Historically Black Colleges and Universities. ·      Go to https://www.grassrootslaw.org to find out how you can support policing and justice in America. ·      Read this: 75 Things White People Can Do for Racial Justice by Corinne Shutack    #5: ORGANIZATIONS TO SUPPORT: ·      Equal Justice Initiative (Bryan Stevenson) ·      Be the Bridge (Latasha Morrison) and her wonderful resource page, “Where Do I Start?” ·      WhereChangeStarted.com has a great anti-racism starter kit ·      The Innocence Project ·      To help pay bail for protestors in NYC, money can be Venmo’ed to @bailoutnycmay.  ·      City-specific bailouts. ·      ACLU ·      NAACP ·      UNCF   #6: READ: “Stop asking us to give you books. Stop asking us to do research. Listen y’all were able to do mathematic equations through some Black women and then your own stuff and to be able to go to the moon, and put a flag in it and dance around and do the west coast strut. How in the world can you go from the earth to the moon and you can’t do research on the racial history that we need to fight in this country. I don’t want to be traumatized by teaching you history. I want you to grow up in your spiritual maturity, and grow up in your faith, and go on the sanctifying journey of overriding the patriotic way that we’ve learned history in America.” - Pastor Eric Mason   1.     White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo 2.     So You Want to Take About Race by Ijeoma Oluo 3.     The Person You Mean to Be by Dolly Chugh 4.     We Were Eight Years in Power by Ta-Nehisi Coates 5.     How to Be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi 6.     I’m Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness by Austin Channing Brown 7.     Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates 8.     Woke Church by Eric Mason 9.     The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness by Michelle Alexander 10.  Jesus and the Disinherited by Howard Thurman 11.  Great Speeches by Frederick Douglass 12.  Waking up White and Finding Myself in the Story of Race by Debby Irving 13.  Ghetto by Mitchell Duneier 14.  More than Just Race: Being Black and Poor in the Inner City by William Julius Wilson 15.  Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America by Ibram X. Kendi 16.  A Testament of Hope by Martin Luther King Jr. 17.  Prejudice and Racism by James M. Jones 18.  Blindspot: Hidden Biases of Good People by Mahzarin R. Banaji 19.  Tears We Cannot Stop: A Sermon to White America by Dr. Michael Eric Dyson 20.  I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou 21.  All About Love by Bell Hooks 22.  Well-Read Black Girl by Glory Edim 23.  Go Tell it on the Mountain by James Baldwin 24.  Heavy: An American Memoir by Kiese Laymon 25.  There Will Be No Miracles Here by Casey Gerald 26.  Paradise by Toni Morrison 27.  Healing Racial Trauma by Sheila Wise Rowe 28.  Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston 29.  The Lies that Bind: Rethinking Identity by Kwame Anthony Appiah 30.  The Very Good Gospel by Lisa Sharon Harper 31.  The Prophetic Imagination by Walter Brueggemann 32.  Prophetic Lament: A Call for Justice in Troubled Times by Dr. Soong-Chan Rah 33.  Divided by Faith: Evangelical Religion and the Problem of Race in America by Michael O. Emerson and Christian Smith 34.  Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson 35.  The Color of Law: A Forgotten History of How Our Government Segregated America by Richard Rothstein 36.  Human(Kind) by Ashlee Eiland 37.  A Day Late and a Dollar Short by Terry McMillan 38.  Kindred by Octavia E. Butler 39.  Beloved by Toni Morrison 40.  White Teeth by Zadie Smith 41.  Discerning the Voice of God by Priscilla Shirer 42.  Detours: The Unpredictable Path to Your Destiny by Tony Evans 43.  Unashamed by Lecrae 44.  Believe Bigger by Marshawn Evans Daniels   ARTICLE + WEBSITES 1.     Code Switch: Race in Your Face 2.     White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack by Peggy McIntosh 3.     NYTimes An Antiracist Reading List compiled by Ibram X. Kendi 4.     Goodgooodgood.co Anti-racism resources compiled by Sarah Sophie Flicker and Alyssa Klein 5.     Buzzfeed’s An Essential Reading Guide for Fighting Racism by Arianna Rebolini 6.     1619 Project (NY Times) – an article series on the history and legacy of slavery in America (also a podcast below). There is a book project in the works to expand on what they’ve started. 7.     The America We Need (NY Times) – a NYT Opinion series that touches on justice in the midst of the pandemic. 8.     “Walking While Black” by Garnette Cadogan   WATCH: 1.     Pastor Eric Mason: Don’t Lose Heart: Why It’s Worth It to Fight for Racial Harmony Even When We Don’t See Progress 2.     Pastor Carl Lentz: I said, “Black Lives Matter” 3.     Dr. Robin DiAngelo’s talk on White Fragility at the University of Washington 4.     How to Deconstruct Racism One Headline at a Time, TEDtalk, Baratunde Thurston  5.     How Racism Makes Us Sick, TEDtalk, David R. Williams  6.     Racial Reconciliation, Latasha Morrison’s sermon, National Community Church  7.     The Privilege Walk   8.     Jon Tyson and David Bailey, class, race, reconciliation, and the Kingdom of God   9.     Becoming Brave: Reconciliation Rooted in Prayer – “why do we need the church?” by Rev. Dr. Brenda Salter McNeil     Movies to watch on Netflix: 1.     13th 2.     American Son 3.     Dear White People 4.     See You Yesterday 5.     When They See Us   Movies to watch on Hulu: 1.     If Beale Street Could Talk 2.     The Hate U Give   Movies to rent: 1.     Black Power Mixtape: 1967-1975 2.     Clemency 3.     Fruitvale Station 4.     I am Not Your Negro 5.     Just Mercy 6.     Selma 7.     The Black Panthers: Vanguard of the Revolution 8.     BlacKkKlansman 9.     Burden 10.  The Color of Fear   Listen to these podcasts: 1.     NPR’s Code Switch 2.     Season 2 of In the Dark 3.     Hope & Hard Pills with Andre Henry 4.     Her with Amena Brown 5.     Truth’s Table Podcast 6.     Fights and Feelings with Joseph Solomon 7.     Anti-Racism with Andre Henry on The Liturgists 8.     Pod Save the People 9.     1619 Project Podcast 10.  Scene on Radio’s “Seeing White” 11.  Why Tho   The Refined Collective episodes on race: 1.     Anxiety, Race, and Healing Community with Nikia Phoenix 2.     I’m Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness with Austin Channing Brown 3.     Why Being a ‘Good Person’ Prevents You From Being Better with Jeana Marinelli   People to follow: 1.     @austinchanning 2.     @theconsciouskid 3.     @blackcoffeewithwhitefriends 4.     @theandrehenry 5.     @colorofchange 6.     @rachel.cargle 7.     @ibramxk 8.     @mspackyetti 9.     @blklivesmatter 10.  @osopepatrisse 11.  @reformlajails 12.  @akilahh 13.  @showingupforracialjustice 14.  @tyalexander 15.  @tiffanybluhm 16.  @natashaannmiller 17.  @thefaithfeast 18.  @louisa.wells 19.  @abigaileernisse 20.  @jessicamalatyrivera 21.  @thegreatunlearn 22.  @laylafsaad 23.  @luvvie 24.  @pastorgabbycwilkes 25.  @elevateny 26.  @pastoremase 27.  @lecrae 28.  @whatisjoedoing 29.  @sarahjakesroberts 30.  @bishopjakes 31.  @devonfranklin 32.  @iammiketodd 33.  @amenabee 34.  @shaunking   You don’t have to read all 44 books in one day. You don’t have to start a non-profit. BUT YOU DO HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. I have not read every single one of these resources, but am making my way through them one by one. I am with you on the journey.   What are you committed to? How are you going to ensure that you are no longer silent? It’s time for white people to do something.   We are co-creators with God; it’s time to get to work.

I have the privilege of chatting with Debra Fileta of TrueLoveDates.com this week! She is a licensed professional counselor who specializes in dating, marriage, and relationship issues, as well as mental health disorders. She’s also the author of True Love Dates, Choosing Marriage, and Love in Every Season! We chat about everything from the dating mistakes that are holding you back to why it’s okay for a woman to initiate a relationship.   “You’re not born knowing how to engage in healthy relationships; it’s something you have to work on and train and educate and grow.”   6 Reasons it’s Okay for a Woman to Initiate a Relationship Cultural Context. Mutually beneficial + reciprocal relationships are biblical. Healthy relationships are give and take. Pursuit is a human desire. Only responding to a person is not a two-way relationship. “Relationships are living, breathing things.”   “The problem is, when we go into relationships with that mentality that a woman shouldn’t initiate, you end up creating a culture of passive women.”   Soul Mates Debra shares where the idea of soul mates really came from. You are not half of a person until you meet someone. Soul mates creates codependency.   “When we’re only responding, we’re not actually aware of what we want and need.”   Top 2 Dating Mistakes We’re All Making Not taking the risk to start a relationship. The #1 thing holding you back in singleness: FEAR Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Desperate people make desperate decisions When you feel desperate, don’t go on a dating spree. Look in. Humans are magnetic.   2 Things Debra Would Tell Her Younger Self Work on your ish: Your past impacts your present if you don’t deal with it. Go to counseling. Do the work now— even if you’re single. Get whole. Save for a king-sized bed!!   Resources Keep up with Debra at TrueLoveDates.comand on IG at @truelovedates. You can buy Debra’s books here: True Love Dates, Choosing Marriage, and Love in Every Season! Tune in to her podcast, The Love and Relationships Podcast, here.    Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

Today on the podcast, I am chatting about wellness and self-love with Erin from Raw Beauty Talks. She shares what the heck self-love actually means, how to listen to your body, master your mindset, and understand what nourishes and energizes you. We also chat about body positivity, Beyoncé, and Erin’s own wellness journey and finding her voice in the body confidence conversation as a ‘skinny girl.’   What Does Self-Love Mean? “Self-love isn’t a feeling, it’s a verb.” We want self-love to be easy and comfortable, but it requires effort in order to grow. “Can you give compassion for the woman you are and can you make choices to align with what that woman needs?”   8 Ways to Activate Genuine Self-Love Get to know yourself— what make you thrive, what gets you excited? Honoring the individual— can you give yourself compassion and make decisions that are in alignment with who you are and what you want? Listen to your body— notice what helps you recharge. Practice saying no— it will bring you freedom. Routine— practicing self-love once won’t make an impact. Implement— as you get to know yourself and how you’re wired. Act like you love yourself NOW— the feeling will follow the action. Give yourself grace— it’s a balance; the goal is not perfection.   3 Ways to Get on the Same Team as Your Body Listen to your body— stop listening to these experts and tune in to your hunger and fullness signals, learn what type of movement your body is needing, maybe it’s a walk maybe it’s a workout. Master your mindset— are the thoughts you’re having empowering you or holding you back? Find an empowering belief that feels possible. Understand what nourishes and energizes you— make a list of things that make you feel high energy and another list of things that make you feel low energy.   Resources Keep up with Erin at co and on Instagram at @rawbeautytalks. Listen to the Raw Beauty Talks podcast here. Do a high energy and low energy list, post to Instagram and tag @rawbeautytalks and @therefinedcollective so we can share them! Listen to my solo episode all about my eating disorder recovery here.   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!

  I am so thrilled to be talking with Phylicia Masonheimer this week! She is an author, speaker, and theologian who just released her book Stop Calling Me Beautiful. We talk about dating, if marrying a Christian really non-negotiable, what things we should be looking for in a partner, and a whole lot more.   The Way They Met ·      Phylicia shares how she didn’t see her husband as her type when she met him, but he loved her so well and he loved God. ·      She shares the moment she decided to give it a shot with Josh, who is now her husband.   Do I need to be led spiritually by someone else? ·      Do we need to be at the same place on our spiritual journey with the man we date and marry?  ·      The church taught us that we need to be led my men who act as our spiritual leaders, but ‘spiritual leader’ isn’t mentioned anywhere in the Bible. ·      Phylicia shares the difference between complementarian views and the egalitarian views within Christianity.  ·      “We’re after the leader heart… not just somebody who has collected a lot of Bible knowledge.”   Questions to Ask the Guy You’re Getting to Know 1.     Does he desire God? Does he desire to know God? Does he desire to go deeper? 2.     Is he dependent on his friends or parents to be spiritual? 3.     What are his sexual boundaries and standards?   3 Things to Look For in a Partner 4.     Loves God 5.     Works hard 6.     Is teachable ·      “If he has those three things, then he can grow, he can change, he can develop + adapt. But it’s really hard to be tied to an unbeliever, a lazy man, or a stubborn man.”   Why you should date someone that share your faith / worldview? ·      Phylicia recalls the time she was dating an unbeliever. She was unsure if she should move forward, so she asked God for a sign. She received three. ·      “You’ve known the truth all along.” ·     2 Corinthians 6:14 — “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.”…with fundamentally different worldviews you’re pulling in different directions—you want to be with someone who is moving forward with you.   Resources ·      You can buy her book, Stop Calling Me Beautiful, here. ·      Keep up with her at PhyliciaMasonheimer.com or on Instagram at @phyliciamasonheimer.   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

Jen Batchelor is the co-founder and CEO of Kin Euphorics, which she created as a response to shifts in her own lifestyle, as well as the lifestyle of her co-founder. Kin is an alternative beverage company that will change the way you approach social drinking. Jen helps unpack the social drinking movement, how adaptogens and nootropics can give your body what it really needs, and how you can approach sober living.   Why Do You Drink? When people are asked about their own drinking behavior, they never have a solid answer. There remains a stigma around choosing to be sober. Jen shares the moment when she realized that even though she was putting thought into everything she put into her body, her drinking would negate all of it. “I don’t want to break even on wellness.”   The Basics Euphorics represent a new category of pleasure priming drinks. “You can have your cake and drink it too.” Adaptogens are roots and herbs that help you fight off those Sunday scaries. Nootropics help balance the chemicals of the mind. It helps with synthesizing thought, processing memory, and enhancing focus. Using all of this, Kin Euphorics helps restore balance in the body.   What Holds People Back from Sobriety Fear of labels and stigmas. Fear of leaning into discomfort. Fear of what you’ll find out— but knowledge is power. “We all, in all facets of our lives, should be actively testing our limits so we can understand and feel the resistance and grow from that.” Being able to be vulnerable to human experiences and sharing it with others.   5 Practical Tips for the Sober Curious “Is this robbing me or hindering me from an opportunity or the energy I need to pursue my dreams? Is this getting in my way?” Take stock of your social rituals. Assess who you have around you and don’t be afraid to make some cuts. Are your habits in alignment with and pushing you towards your dreams? If not, be willing to try an ‘elimination diet.’ Get clear about your calling. What are your greatest dreams and how can you move towards that with clarity, integrity, and intention? Commit to your greatest potential and rise to that. Invite people into journey with you.   Resources Check out Kin at KinEuphorics.comand @kineuphorics. You can buy Ruby Warrington’s book Sober Curious here. Check out this Vogue articleabout Kin Euphorics. Check out @therefinedcollectiveto enter a giveaway for some Kin goodies! Use code ALLBLISSWITHJEN for 15% off any order (plus free shipping!!)   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!   

This week, I’m chatting with Jeremy and Adrienne Camp. Jeremy and Adrienne are singers and songwriters who met while on tour. Jeremy is GRAMMY-nominated and Adrienne was the lead singer of the Christian rock band the Benjamin Gate and later recorded two solo albums. The two have been married for 17 years have 2 daughters and a son. Their movie I Still Believe was released in March— it’s about Jeremy’s marriage with his first wife Melissa. Jeremy and Adrienne just released their book In Unison.  I drilled them, y’all. We talked about their story, getting stuck in the friend zone, and if sexual attraction can grow between people who start out as friends. Plus, in 17 years of marriage—how do you fight well? And how can we set ourselves up for our future today?    Marriage They recall not seeing each other as their types when they first met. We talk about whether sexual attraction can grow or if it has to be there from the start. “There needs to be a relationship of depth and honor and respect there in order for me to love him with my body.” Fighting well: she needs to figure it out right away and he needs time to step back and process. “We had to learn those places of grace for each other along the way.”   6 Ways to Sow Into Your Marriage Stay connected to Jesus. “If things are dry in my relationship with the Lord, essentially they are dry everywhere else.” Adrienne prays: “Jesus, be new to me!” Choose to have a soft heart towards each other. It’s a choice. Be intentional about dating. Find things you both love and do them together. Create space for heart connection. Connect not just physically, but on a heart level. How is your heart? How are we doing? Are there things I’ve done that have frustrated you? What can we work on? Be willing to do the work!!! “We look ahead and we want the harvest, but we’re not willing to do the hard work today.”   How to Invest Into Your Marriage (When You’re Single) Learn to deal with conflict in your friendships. Deal with your own issues. Be willing to do the work. Seek God. “When we’re seeking Him to find a reward, we’re not going to find that. He’s already given us the greatest reward.”   Resources Watch the movie I Still Believe here. Listen to the movie’s soundtrack here. You can buy Jeremy and Adrienne’s book, In Unison, here. You can buy Jeremy’s book, I Still Believe, here. You can buy Adrienne's book, Even Me, here. Keep up with them at @adiecamp and @jeremycampofficial on Instagram. Check out their work with Speaking Louder here.   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

  “I am learning every day to allow the space between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me and not terrify me.” – Tracee Ellis Ross   Jeana Marinelli is my guest this week and we are talking about racism, bias, white privilege, how to develop a growth mindset, and identifying the myth of the ‘good person’ and how it is keeping us stuck. Jeana is a leadership development professional. Jeana is always asking the important questions of ‘why are things the way they are?’ and ‘how can we be better?’   The Myth of the ‘Good Person’ “It’s this binary notion that is seductive and it’s misleading. You’re either a good person or you’re not. We know that humans are more complex than that.” We chat about how to confront racism within ourselves and understand our blind spots. The growth mindset involves acknowledging that you aren’t a good person but that you are always in the process of bettering yourself. “Women show stronger implicit gender bias against women than men do and it’s because of who gets to tell our stories.”   7 Ways to Foster a Growth Mindset Look at all the media you consume and look for ways to diversify, especially when it comes to race and gender. Take ownership to learn more about biases and topics that make you most uncomfortable. Notice your physical queues where your discomfort comes. Practice deep listening— listening to understand and not to respond. Thank anyone who points out inequities without seeking a cookie. Get better at noticing your own mistakes. Learning to pronounce someone’s name.   Books to Read The Person You Mean to Be by Dolly Chugh How to be Anti-Racist by Ibram X. Kendi Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates The Memo by Minda Harts More Than Enough by Elaine Welteroth I’m Still Here by Austin Channing Brown   Resources 10 Tips to Practice Growth Mindset and Notice Bias Take the implicit association test on Harvard website. Keep up with Jeana at Jeannamarinelli.com and on Instagram at @jeanamarinelli   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!

  Welcome back to the fertility series! This time around, I’m chatting with fertility physician Dr. Natalie Crawford from Aspire Fertility all about egg freezing. She is also the host of As A Woman Podcast, which is all about fertility, female empowerment, and leadership. Personally, I have spoken on the podcast about feeling that biological clock ticking and have been thinking about egg freezing a lot so I was really grateful to Dr. Natalie for sharing her wisdom with us— let’s dive in.   We answer questions like: When is a good time to freeze your eggs? Is freezing your eggs really a ‘fire insurance’ plan? Which is a more viable option:  IVF or Egg Freezing. How long does freezing your eggs take + how to plan for it. How much it costs (b/c umm…that’s a huge part of this process). And lots more…   Learning Your Body Dr. Natalie quickly realized how little women knew about their own bodies. “Every woman would say, ‘I wish I had known this earlier.’” Did you know 1 out of 8 women struggle with infertility— they just aren’t all sharing their stories. Most women ignore their infertility problems for a while because they feel a sense of failure, fear, and denial.   Understanding the Process As you age, your eggs decrease in both quality and quantity. Dr. Natalie explains the value of AMH testing—a very affordable + often covered by insurance test that tells you how what your egg count + health is like. There are diet + lifestyle changes you can make to keep your eggs as healthy as possible like decreasing red meat and processed food (more on that in the podcast). “This whole process is stressful— we can’t make it stress-less. But how can you feel better about it? By feeling really well informed.”   Resources Listen to Dr. Natalie’s podcast called As A Woman. Get more information from her site NatalieCrawfordMD.com. Keep up with her on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieCrawfordMD. Listen to the first episode in the Fertility Series here.   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!

  This week I’m chatting with repeat guest Kate Eskuri from The Foundation Blog!! She was on the podcast last year talking about all things periods and it is our most downloaded episode EVER! (You can listen to it here.) Kate is a registered nurse and is currently getting her PhD. This time around, we’re talking about how to get grounded in the midst of overwhelm. Also, how do we even be healthy during this time? And practically speaking, are there certain things I should be doing or avoiding right now? Bottom line, though: there is no one right way to spend your time in quarantine.   5 Ways to Foster a Healthy Relationship with Food “Your nutrition may not look how it ‘normally’ does… nothing looks ‘normal’ right now.” Shop with intention—buy things that last a long time and are versatile. Cook with thought— do you have food that will go bad by next week? Eat that first. Get resourceful—really take stock of all the food you already have. What if instead of going grocery shopping you got creative? Donate any extra food you may have— some people aren’t able to stock up. Use healing ingredients—turmeric, ginger, garlic, echinacea tea, elderberry tea.   Structure Creates Freedom: Rituals to Practice to Freedom The self-care question you need to ask yourself during this season: “What do YOU need during this quarantine?” Self-care is no longer an option— it’s a priority. Want to activate self-care? Write down five things that bring you comfort and joy. A self-care list!    Practical Grounding Rituals What does it mean to be grounded: “It’s that inner sense of calm even though the outside world might feel a little scattered.” Journal through these 5 questions to shift  from overwhelm to peace in less than 5 minutes: What are five things I can see?  What are four things I can feel?  What are three things I can hear?  What are two things I can smell right now?  What is one thing I can taste?   3 Ways to Practically Ground Yourself: Journaling is something you can do for even just a few minutes to ground yourself. Take a seat, close your eyes, physically place your hands on the crown of your head, and lightly press down. Take a few deep breaths and you will feel yourself settle. Eat root vegetables. It may sound weird and woo-woo, but give it a try.   Resources Feeding America is providing food to those who need it, more info here. If you would like to donate to Feeding America, you can do so here. Kate’s blog post with 8 ways to ground yourself. Kate’s guide to healthy eating during a quarantine. Keep up with Kate at thefoundationblog.com and on Instagram at @kate.eskuri.   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

  If you aren’t using your quarantine time to watch Love is Blind, get on that right now! Basically, it is a Netflix reality TV show where all these men and women go on speed dates. At the end of 10 days there are proposals, and then another 30 days later are the weddings!! Ummm…crazy right? The plot twist: they do not see each other face to face until after they are engaged. There are major spoilers ahead, so catch up quick before listening if you don’t want things spoiled for you!   3 Things I love about Love is Blind:  Intentions are Out in the Open: Everyone showed up to the show knowing why they were there. Ya, some people were probably looking to become insta-famous. But in reality, if you agree to be on the show, you agree that marriage is the outcome you’re looking for. Knowing what you want in a dating relationship, and communicating that is so freeing. Heart before the Physical: Sexual attraction is such a beautiful part of a relationship, but it’s not the only thing. Getting to know someone’s heart before the physical helps you discern if they’re a good fit or not for you.  Clarity: Since the interactions are so focused and limited, people had to dive into some deep stuff early on. You have to know what you want. Knowing what you want gives you clarity to figure out quicker if the person you’re dating is a good fit for you or not.   Lessons Learned from Love is Blind: When you’re in, you’re in: Lauren and Cameron taught me that when you’re in… You. Are. In.  Men don’t want a mother, they want a partner. Don’t ignore the red flags. Give it a try, but if it’s not there, it’s not there. Work. On. Your. Ish. Be the person you want to attract. Go to therapy. Be willing to do the work. Be Clear + Surrender: Be clear about what you want and surrender to the process of getting to know someone. We put too much pressure on dating.   Questions to Ask Yourself in Dating? Do you know what you’re looking for? Are you the type of person you’re looking for? What do you need to work on?   Finally, I answer on the episode whether or not I’d consider going on the show…you’ll have to tune into find out my thoughts!    Resources Remember the time I went on a blind date? And it was filmed? For YOUTUBE? Yep. That happened. Here’s the video if you missed it. Head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram to share your thoughts on all things Love is Blind… we are dying to know!   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

  Man COVID-19?!?! Ughhh… Am I right!? I know working from home can be a major adjustment in any season, but since so many of us have transitioned home in this season I had to talk about it! I’ve been working from home for 10 years, and promise you it’s possible to work from home, be productive, AND not go crazy. It’s just going to take some time, intention, and lots of boundaries! Today’s episode is all about my best tips for working from home (without going crazy).   8 Ways to Create Structure Leave your bedroom— let it remain a sanctuary free from work. Get dressed— even if absolutely nobody is going to see you. Set up an office space— setting is everything. Block schedule— it’ll keep you focused.  Make a list each morning and prioritize a daily top 3. Schedule breaks and commit to that boundary. When you’re done, put it away. Structure creates freedom. Keep and protect normal business hours— I dare you to give yourself 12 hours away from email.   Set Up Connection Points Throughout Your Day If you normally work in an office, do a virtual check in with your team in the morning to keep the natural rhythm. If you’re an entrepreneur, reach out to fellow entrepreneurs for advice.   3 Free Resources to stay Connected to your Team:  Slack Google Hangouts Zoom   3 Productivity Boundaries Phone hacks: put it on do not disturb, turn off iMessage, download the app Freedom for social media, or even delete the social media apps off your phone!  Check your email four times a day and block it in your schedule. I personally use the POMODORO Method. It involves working for 25 min, then taking a 5-min break. I do that four times and then take a 15-min break. Repeat.   Bottom line, though: have grace with yourself. You may not get as much done, and guess what? That’s okay. I hope this has helped you work from home whether you’re always working from home or if COVID-19 is forcing you to develop a new routine.    Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

  TRIGGER WARNING: We share some stories of trauma we have experienced in the past. This may not be a good episode to listen to with kiddos around. Know that if you have experiences trauma, you are not alone!   Tiffany Bluhm is the author of She Dreams and Never Alone; she also hosts the podcast “Why Tho” with Ashley Abercrombie (who was also on the podcast— check out her episode here.) Today, we are chatting about consent, whether it’s in the boardroom or the bedroom. We talk about the more nuanced topics like what messages clothing sends and are non-verbal cues enough?   Power Dynamics + Consent What is consent? Vocalized agreement for something to happen between both parties, whether it is harmful or not. Consent involves concern and care also. There has historically been an abuse of power when it comes to consent.   4 Questions to Ask Yourself in an Uncomfortable Situation Is this okay? How can I be an active participant in this situation? What do I do to prevent this from happening? What is my role as a bystander, as a friend, to anyone else it’s happening to?   6 Ways to Own Your Voice Know your response to trauma: fight, flight, or freeze. Find ways to create boundaries with the person creating discomfort/trauma. Let go of the fear of seeming disagreeable. Don’t let the little things slide— those inches quickly turn into miles. Reporting behavior is hard and scary, but it is worth it and we owe it to ourselves. Document the situation in any way you can— even by taking a picture.   Resources If you have more questions on these topics, visit org. The EEOC is a good place to report behavior if you are uncomfortable going to HR. Keep up with Tiffany at com and @tiffanybluhm.   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!  

  Do Christians meditate? What exactly is meditation and how do I practice it?  What is mindfulness? And what about breath work? Today, Jackie Viramontez is going to share her answers to all of the above! We’re talking about practices you can implement into your life to help you heal from anxiety, trauma, and fear.    Starting Young Jackie reflects on a major childhood trauma and loss that led her to develop anxiety as well as OCD. From there, she began her journey with therapy, EMDR and meditation and healing. “Our memories and thoughts are found all over our body.”   Meditation Meditation is a way to interrupt the patterns in your life to center yourself. Jackie shares when the best time to meditate is (you gotta listen to find out!). “We are designed for our stories to change.”   Breath Work Making your exhales just one second longer than your inhales will slow your heart rate and help so much. Bonus: rest your tongue on the floor of your mouth as you breathe. Jackie talks about how pressure points can release tension as well. “It’s very hard to be up in your head when you’re breathing like that.”   Resources EFT for Christiansby Sherrie Rice Smith. Lord , I Want to Know Youby Kay Arthur. Check out @etcheddailyfor her resources in this area or Jackiviramontez.com.   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

We are starting a new series on the podcast all about fertility! We are going to cover everything from IVF, to egg freezing, to adoption, miscarriage, and everything in between. We are first going to chat about IVF. My dear friend Faith Ramos shares her journey through 10 years of infertility before IVF gave her two children.   The Love Story Faith met her husband Angel at college when they were both 18 years old. After a few years of ‘not—not trying to have kids’, once they hit 30, they started to wondering what was going on.. She opens up about what it’s like getting questions about why they didn’t have kids yet.   IVF + An Answered Prayer IVF involves putting the egg + sperm together in a petri dish to create an embryo. The price for this runs between $20k and $30k— so it is not really accessible to many. Faith + Angel struggled to find funds as new business owners (plus her mother was sick). In true God fashion—the money came in an unlikely and unexpected way.   Getting Pregnant “Early on, Angel and I knew that this was God’s story.” She remembers shifting her mindset from “why me?” to a heart of gratitude. “God is faithful, however that looks.” Listen to the episode to hear Faith describe the moment she first met her son. Feeling discouraged? “The journey just might be different than what it seems. God is able to do anything, but his will is different for everyone.”   Resources Keep up with Faith on Instagram at @ourfamilyisart and @18thamendment_.   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!

  NLP practitioner and certified nutritional consultant and coach to Olympic athletes and A-list celebrities Adam Cobb is on the podcast today. We started recording right in the middle of a vulnerable ‘clearing the air' moment between us personally. It just felt important to share some good ol’ conflict resolution with you.  The crux of our chat was about ‘what happens when the thing we’re known for gets stripped from us.' Who do we become when our identity becomes rocked? Where do we turn to? How do we move through it?   Loss of Identity Just a few hours before Adam was scheduled to give a talk on movement and mindset, he had a basketball accident and got an ACL tear and meniscus rupture. As an adult having to live back home with his parents with little mobility was completely humbling.   Asking for Help He opens up about his decision to go to therapy and why he resisted it in the past. Even then, it took him three sessions to surrender to the process and really show up. He remembers a pivotal moment when he was standing with a bowl of chili in his hands because he couldn’t figure out how to bring it to the table while on crutches.   Healing Physically + Emotionally “Real healing looks like asking for help.” He shares how his lack of vulnerability created tension in his romantic relationships. He was challenged by his peers to think “what does silence sound like right now?” “I was operating in my head then; I am operating in my heart now.”   Resources Jesus Calling by Sarah Young and Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg. Seven Thousand Ways to Listen by Mark Nepo. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. Keep up with Adam at @coachadamcobb and coachadamcobb.com!   Struggling with online dating? Kait Warman of The Heart of Dating and I are hosting a live online workshop just for you on February 25, 2020. Grab your ticket here!   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

  Hi, friends! We’re having the sex talk on the podcast today!! Are you waiting for marriage to have sex? Not sure when to bring it up in dating? Or how? We’re going to chat about that today, because I watched The Bachelor on Monday and have quite a few thoughts on this! Peter is the Bachelor and it’s causing quite the commotion with Madison. We’re one week away from engagement and they still haven’t had ‘the talk.’   Why I was afraid to tell guys I wasn’t having sex until marriage: Fear of rejection I assumed if you were a Christian, you weren’t having sex—I also thought everyone wore purity rings too. I was shut down to my sexuality + desire—if I can’t accept my own sexuality, how can I accept another, and how can I enter into an adult consensual relationship if I’m unwilling to talk about this stuff? I didn’t know my why so I was afraid of bringing it up because I couldn’t really explain why except that’s what Christians do.   3 things to think before you have ‘the talk’ Know your why The difference between: I’m not a smoker + I’m trying to quit. Your decision has to be internally motivated What does sex mean to me? What is god’s heart for intimacy + sex? What is my heart for intimacy + sex? Why or why not is this a value for me? QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF   Assume nothing Just because they share your faith does not mean you have the same physical boundaries. No kissing until marriage to everything but penetration—including anal—to some people who love Jesus + choose to have pre-marital sex.   Zero shame Rejection is protection!! It may make my dating pool smaller, but it makes it stronger.   WHEN: By date 3…although NYC dating culture moves quickly…so it’s not odd if I bring it up on the 1st date.   3 Reasons to Have the Sex Talk Early on Set yourself up for success If you’re not having sex before marriage — this may help set-up physical boundaries in dating. What didn’t work for me…getting naked on the first date.   Be kind If I’m getting what I want—but if he thinks this is leading elsewhere it’s in a sense being dishonest.   Create a culture of honesty + communication The only way a relationship can last + build trust is through communication. As a couple you get to decide what boundaries will work for you—It’s an ongoing conversation. A boundary might have worked in the past, but things may shift.   I HAVE AN EASY OUT: I talk about this stuff professionally. However, the more I’ve shared, the easier it’s become. it’s a non-issue for me.   Here is what I say: “Hey, I just want to be upfront. I don’t have sex until marriage + that’s not like a cute thing I say…I really mean it. So I just wanted to throw that out there + see where you’re at + what you think!”     RESOURCES FOR NAVIGATING YOUR WHY? Dr. Celeste Holbrook The Bible: Flee from Sexual Immorality Kat’s ‘Why’ Kat’s conversation on God is Grey   Struggling with online dating? Kait Warman of The Heart of Dating and I are hosting a live online workshop just for you on February 25, 2020. Grab your ticket here!   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407  

  This week, my real-life friends Jessie and Gerard Pepper are on the podcast! You may know them from their own podcast Marriage is Funny. They launched the podcast after they were having a serious discussion about divorce. (Spoiler alert: they are still married.) We chat about the vulnerability that brought them out of that dark time in marriage and they share some actionable steps to tend to the meaningful relationships in your life.   Talking It Out Their podcast isn’t about marriage advice…it’s about creating a space to process through their own difficulties and problems. “The points of tension can be what draws you back closer to each other and strengthens the bond between you.”   Growing in Understanding We talk about why it’s so scary to tell someone what you really want. Gerard opens up about his tendency to not share emotions. “It feels really dangerous.” “Beauty comes from complexity.”   Setting an Example They wish the married couples in their lives had been more honest about marriage. Amen to that, because marriage even to the best person is going to be HARD! “Our marriage has turned into something that we are tending to and constantly learning about and constantly trying to enrich.”   Keep Up With The Peppers Check out their website at com. Follow them on Facebook and join their podcast’s private FB group. Follow them on IG at @meetthepeppers and @styleandpepper. Watch their video series about the three marriage myths that nearly ruined their relationship— they gave you special access here.   Struggling with online dating? Kait Warman of The Heart of Dating and I are hosting a live online workshop just for you on February 25, 2020. Grab your ticket here!   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407  

  Do you remember how much you loved Dr. Therese Mascardo on episode 58 of the podcast “How to Marie Kondo Your Mental Health”? Because I do. And I loved having her on. So guess what? We got her back on the podcast for you! She is a psychologist and the founder of Exploring Therapy. This episode, we are chatting about imposter syndrome, because the imposter syndrome can be so real sometimes, you guys!   The 4 Elements of Imposter Syndrome Feelings of inadequacy;  Second guessing yourself;  Dismissing accomplishments and praise as luck, timing, or being deceptive;  The thoughts you have lead to fear, anxiety, and perfectionism.   What Causes Imposter Syndrome? We all have insecurities, but our environment, culture, and upbringing can make those insecurities stronger in our minds. We aren’t seeing other people’s insecurities, so we think we are wrong for having them. “Imposter syndrome is created out of the things you tell yourself.”   #1 Thing To Do to Tackle Imposter Syndrome Identify your self talk and figure out what narratives need correction.  “It’s not about succeeding 100% of the time, it’s just that you deserve as much of a chance, even if you fail.” “Those who are the first to do something often suffer from imposter syndrome the most.”   The Importance of Community “If you can receive criticism, you need to be open to receiving praise.”   Resources Listen to Lizzo— Dr. Therese’s orders!! It will seriously help you with self-talk. Join the Roundtable waitlist here. Check out Dr. Therese’s website and Instagram.   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   I want to say a very special THANK YOU to our new friends in our Patreon community: Meg Poore, Justice Barker, and Francesca Pittaluga! You are truly the reason we are able to invest so much of our time and resources into this podcast!   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

  Enneagram is having such a moment. Chances are you either think “that person is such a [insert number here]” any time you meet someone new ,or you think “what the heck is this enneagram I keep hearing about all the time?” Well, today we have an EXPERT on the podcast: Beth McCord, the founder of Your Enneagram Coach. She helps explain the different types and how you can learn to grow and understand both yourself and others through this tool.   What is the Enneagram? The enneagram suggests that there are nine different personality types. There are four core motivations for each type: fear, desire, weakness, and longing. The key is to learn the ‘why’ behind all of your decisions and use it as a tool for growth. “Real transformation means we have to take the time to look inward.”   The 9 Types 1: Moral Perfectionist 2: Supportive Advisor 3: Achiever 4: Romantic Individualist 5: Investigative Thinker 6: Loyal Guardians 7: Entertaining Optimist 8: Protective Challengers 9: Peaceful Mediators   Enneagram + Dating It doesn’t matter what number dates what number, the key to success is both being healthy in your own numbers. The biggest piece of advice: Look for someone who is willing to grow. “We don’t want to use the enneagram as a sword or a shield.”   Resources Go to yourenneagramcoach.com to find out what type you are. Take Beth’s course “Discovering You” here for 50% off after you use her type-finder test. Go to yourenneagramcoach.com/coremotivations to learn your core motivations. Check out Beth’s 9 journals for each type here. Read the book Beth wrote with her husband: Becoming Us. Read The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron. Keep up with Beth on Instagram at @yourenneagramcoach.   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

  Sliding into DMs is my favorite. Basically Instagram stalk people and ask them to be on my podcast. But you know what? It works! And now I have loads of virtual friends. Bam. Today, I’m am chatting with Stephanie May Wilson. She has such a heart for single women, so I am so excited for us to walk through some of the top questions that women send us every day.   DATING 101: Types + Deal Breakers We chat about how guys are often more attractive in real life than in their online photos BUT if they say they are 6 feet tall, they are almost certainly a full two inches shorter. We may have a type, but we have to stop making our searches so narrow—the perfect man may not be who you pictured him to be.   DATING 101: It’s A Curb, Not A Cliff Real talk: we need to be as intentional about dating as we are with our career or fitness. We chat about the pressure to have meet cutes and the number one frustration women come to her looking for answers to. “You deserve someone who wants to be with you.” What do you do with all this hope and confusion? Live this season of your life to the fullest. Show up!   DATING MYTH: There Are No Good Guys? “There are better things we can do with that focus that actually get us to where we want to be.” Find ways to put yourself out there more. Just get involved in your community. Disappointment is part of the dating process. It’s getting you ready for marriage, which is signing up to be disappointed by the same person for your whole life.   Feeling discouraged? God hasn’t forgotten you. It isn’t too late. You are not less than others because you are single. You are not unlovable. You don’t have to figure this out alone. Keep up with Stephanie at StephanieMayWilson.com, where you can find her podcast (Girls Night) and her Instagram (@smaywilson). She has a prayer journal called Every Single Moment—you can find it here!   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!  

  Welcome back to The Refined Collective podcast! Did you notice our new intro music? We’re so excited about it. On this first solo show of the new year, I’m chatting about all of the lessons I learned in 2019 (because it taught me some big lessons), my vision for 2020, and of course before I do all of that I share all of my favorite pop culture tidbits with you!   Lessons Learned Comparison sucks. My Challenge to You: What if you used someone else’s breakthrough as evidence of what’s possible as opposed to getting stuck in comparison, jealousy, and a victim mentality? How would doing that impact your life? Celebrate your wins. Life is busy. Often before we finish the one thing, we’re already chasing the next. I don’t know about you, but this feels exhausting. What if before rushing off to the next goal, we allowed ourselves to pause, acknowledge, and celebrate the wins—no matter how big or small. I can only change me. Much to my dismay as much as I try to change others, the only person I can truly change and take responsibility for is myself. Instead of spending so much time focusing on other people’s drama, what if you used that time to look inward, and noticed areas in your own life that needed some extra love? God lives in the space between. Life is a “both and,” not an “either or.”   2020 Vision (Get it? 2020 vision? 20/20 vision?) What if you had the courage to receive and believe that you deserved to be here? What if you were the girl for the job? What if you no longer let insecurity dictate your reality?  I spent too long believing I didn’t belong on the tennis court or I didn’t belong as a writer. But guess what? I’m writing a freaking book. And then I’m going to write ANOTHER one. My new mantra: “Why not me?” Thank you Mindy Kaling for that. What if you spent more time thinking about how things could go well for you instead of always planning for and expecting the worst case scenario to unfold? How would your day-to-day life change?   Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407   Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!

  Hi, friends! Welcome back to The Refined Collective podcast—it is our final episode of the year! It’s a solo show so you bet there will be random singing and Beyoncé references! This week, I’m not asking the questions… YOU are. You guys sent in your questions over on Instagram and in this episode, I’m answering as many as I could fit into a single episode. You guys know how weird I feel about recording solo shows so please let me know your feedback and if you’d want to hear more of these types of episodes.   How do you deal with unhealthy overthinking and constantly taking things personally? It’s important to let your community into your overthinking. When you find yourself taking something personally, think: “They have something coming up for them that has nothing to do with me.”   How do I give space and patience towards my boyfriend who is struggling letting go completely from his past relationship? There’s an important conversation to be had here about recognizing emotional availability and standing in your worth.   I’d love practical language on entering a conversation with a friend of mine who is a Christian and is dating a someone who is not. It’s important to check in with your own heart on what you afraid of happening in this situation.   How long have you been a Christian? I went to a summer camp at 16 because all of the popular kids were going— but even from the very first night, this inexplicable thing ignited in my heart. This is not to say that there haven’t been hard moments—because there have.   Highs and lows for 2019/What is your vision for 2020 and TRW?! My year started really painfully, but it gave me perspective to focus on spending the rest of the year enjoying time with the people I love. Biggest high of the year is very exciting: I signed with a publisher for my book!   Best and worst date of 2019? Best: We went to a café, went hiking, and had a picnic. He kept surprising me! Worst: I liked a guy + thought we were on the same page until he went MIA.   If you are enjoying the podcast, I want to invite you to leave a rating and review on iTunes! We love hearing what your favorite episodes are and always welcome any general feedback! It also helps us be more visible in the iTunes world. If you want to leave a review but don’t know how, head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram and find the “Review 101” under story highlights.

  Jena Viviano is an ex-Wall Streeter turned career coach and entrepreneur who helps go-getter professionals articulate their personal branded career story to land their dream jobs. Stay tuned to hear us chat about Wall Street, faith journeys, shifting mindsets, eating disorders, and hear me drop Beyoncé’s name because of course! (Bonus: we have a quick chat about dating because Jena has an incredible boyfriend!)   Wall Street ·      We chat about what happens when we achieve the thing we think is going to fulfill us… and turns out it doesn’t fulfill us at all. ·      “God, I don’t know if you are real, but if you are: get me out of here.” ·      During her time on Wall Street, she developed an eating disorder. ·      “Instead of trying to fix the things that are “wrong with me,” why don’t I just lean into the things that I’m really good at.” ·      Jena shares how she was able to make a career pivot.   Integrating Faith at Work ·      “For a long time, I thought about my job being my provider, but really the reality is God is my provider. That mindset shift helped me take bigger risks from taking that side hustle to full hustle.” 1.     Stay silent vs. Bible beating—it doesn’t have to be one or the other. Hear how Jena balances sharing her faith at work. 2.     Are we using our gifts? Are we encouraging others to do the same? 3.     Pray and put action behind it.  4.     Take a redemptive lens to work. 5.     How does generosity play into your work? 6.     Instead of compartmentalizing, show up as a whole person.   Battling an Eating Disorder ·      Jena sought counseling, health coaching, and rewired her thoughts. ·      The first step to healing was changing the environment she was in. ·      Bottom line: there is hope!   Keep up with Jena at her website, podcast, Instagram, and LinkedIn. You can get her free devotional at www.jenaviviano.com/wordatwork.   Single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!    XO, Kat

Today we are recording in Rockefeller Center a long way from my Brooklyn closet. I have my dear friend Carrie Gracey Lloyd on the podcast today! She has a podcast called “The Carrie On…” that you can check it out here. In this episode, we chat about grief, how to walk through it, how it can challenge your faith, and the importance of creating space for your grief.    On Grief “I love redemption stories, but if we don’t look at the grief, we don’t know where the lord is going to show up.”  ·      I have been walking through a lot of grief this year and Carrie’s podcast episodes on grief have helped me feel so seen and understood. ·      Carrie shares her experience with grief from losing family and friends from a young age. ·      We chat about the unhealthy ways we often cope with grief because it often feels our culture doesn’t allow us to grieve.   Creating Space for Grief ·      She outlines her process of following a “grieving plan,” where she actually takes time out of her day to process, reflect, and work through her pain and grief. ·      “I’ve sometimes felt God weep with me.” ·      Just as children allow themselves to cry and feel, we need to allow ourselves to grieve. ·      Carrie describes the relief and release she felt after grieving.    Grief and Faith ·      People tend to question their faith when they are grieving. ·      “I think it’s alright to ask those questions as long as we don’t stay there for too long because that therefore meant that our belief in God was based on circumstances.”   The Other Side of Grief ·      We have to give ourselves permission to move forward. ·      “The heart holds onto grief until you actually process it.” ·      The process of healthy grieving will become quicker the more you go through it.   Keep up with Carrie: at her website, her podcast, her book, her other book, and on Instagram.   Single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!    XO, Kat

Today, I have my sweet friend Sarah Adler on the podcast. She is a nutrition coach, healthy lifestyle expert, food blogger, and owner of Simply Real Health. I’ve been getting so many questions on Instagram about meal prep, cooking for one, and best things to have in your pantry. I know everyone is always stressing about how little time you have to cook or how expensive it is to prepare meals. I am totally not an expert on that stuff, so Sarah is here to share her knowledge! I learned so much from her and I can’t wait for you guys to hear her wisdom.   Life Lessons Meet Food ·       “If you are intentional about it, it doesn’t have to be something that is stressful. Sometimes you just need a system. A little bit of structure can go a long way.” ·      What is Real food? Real food is food from the earth that has existed since the beginning of time. (Not Cheetos.) ·      You want to target the simplest version of food. Food with one ingredient or ingredients that a five-year-old can recognize. ·      “If you’re feeding and nourishing yourself well, that sets the foundation for being able to have a very productive and intentional life.”   Personal Food Journey ·      Sarah always remembered loving going to the grocery store and being healthy. ·      “It became this thing I was so obsessed with. I would read fitness magazines for fun.” ·      Looking back, she recognizes that her obsession was what is now called “Orthorexia.” ·      She almost backed out of a trip to Italy because of fear of not having food options. She did go, and she remembers having an epiphany when she saw two women eating out. ·      “The food was just the thing that brought them together. They were so much more about connecting and being together.” ·      “Maybe there’s another way that’s not as obsessive. There’s another way to live that has more joy and celebration to it.” ·      From there, she learned to isolate the difference between diet food (marketed for fad diets and losing weight) and real food (natural and actually healthful).   Assessing Your Food ·      The number one question to ask in regard to food: Is it real or not real? ·      “If it’s real, your body can digest it.” Our bodies are not meant to digest food you can’t pronounce or recognize. ·      “Are you being kind to your body?” ·      The next important thing is your mindset: Focus on serving your body, not punishing it. ·      There is a direct connection between what you eat and how you feel.   Evaluating the “Sexy” Diet Trends  ·      Keto, paleo, anything that cuts out an entire category of food is a red flag. ·      However, some people need more meat, some people can’t do dairy, etc. ·      “Everybody does better with real food, but everybody has different intricacies within that.” ·      Start with real food, then upgrade it to simplify and honor your body and what it needs. Find what works for you! ·      Pay attention to your body—quick fixes do not work. ·      Find what food you thrive with. It’s not one size fits all—that’s the problem with diets. ·      Trendy diets bring about mental and emotional confusion.   On Gluten, Organic Food, and Seasonal Produce ·      It’s not that gluten is bad, it’s that it is overproduced and overconsumed. It comes down to quality and sourcing. The same goes for dairy. ·      Tune into your body—how do I feel after eating something? ·      If your body is okay with gluten, make sure you are getting the best quality of it. ·      Organic is expensive—but always invest in organic products that come from animals.  ·      “If you’re ingesting antibiotics, even secondhand, that affects our own hormones too.” ·      Focus on seasonal produce—it’s usually the cheapest stuff on sale. Here are some graphics that will help you learn what is seasonal on Pinterest. ·      Learn basic techniques, like making a soup, and then everything else is interchangeable.   Cooking for One  1. Get a functional set of pantry staples (quinoa, cans of tomatoes, beans, bag of frozen veggies, grass-fed butter, organic chicken sausage, brown rice pasta) 2. Buy versatile ingredients that can be used at least five different ways (kale, bell peppers, potatoes, sweet potatoes) and pair them with a pantry staple. They keep a long time and can be put in smoothies, soups, salads, etc. 3. Make recipes that can be built upon when you have it for leftovers the next day. 4. “You can do a lot with not very much hassle, stress, chopping, or ingredients.” 5. For busy people (who like one pot meals): insta-pots are a game changer! It does require planning ahead, though.   Head over to Simplyrealhealth.com to see her resources and courses! Sarah has a new book coming out on November 19th called Simply Real Eating. It’s her second cookbook (the first was Simply Real Health).    “Your body deserves a little bit of love and attention.”   Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.  

  Mike Maeshiro calls himself a “Serial entrepreneur.” He runs several businesses. He travels and speaks on the gift of discernment and spiritual intelligence. He believes discernment is something people don’t talk about enough, so we chat about it in this episode. We also talk about entrepreneurship, and discerning when is the right time to make your side hustle your main hustle. What is Discernment? He grew up in the church, was a “nice, agreeable Christian boy.” However, he was lying all the time—pretending he wasn’t aware of these spiritual atmospheres around him. “I started opposing the disfunction in my relationships.” The Purpose of Discernment Discernment exposes darkness in someone’s individual life or corporately. It also provides accountability and sets a standard in community. Discernment shows us the heart behind actions are more important than the actions themselves. “My response is not going to be based on the action, it’s going to be based on where it is coming from in the spirit.”  How to Step Into Discernment Position yourself as a student with someone who has discernment.  Spend time with people who are wise and discerning. Ask them questions! Be curious. Read: Seeing the Supernatural by Jennifer Eivaz Entrepreneurship He has always been a great employee and student but he feels unrest in those situations. He needs to be innovating. When you say yes to wealth, you start having the eyes to see it. He recalls the moment he realized his side hustles brought in enough money for him to quit his full time job. Side Hustle to Main Hustle Financial intelligence is important in this sort of risk-taking. “You are the most powerful asset you will ever have access to.” “You will be in every season of your life. Invest in who you are.” The number one thing to ask yourself to discern if you’re ready to go full-time into your side hustle: Can I bet on me? How Can We Make This Not Woo-Woo? We constantly need to reimagine what success means to us. Poverty was a high value in the early church. “God is not broke.” “What you say yes to in your life is what you’re going to produce. It’s a byproduct of an ecosystem you have said yes to in your own being.” We have to get rid of these false beliefs about God and us when it comes to lack and poverty and control. “There’s more than enough! That’s the nature of the kingdom we are of.” Further Reading for Entrepreneurs Rich Dad. Poor Dad. By Robert T. Kiyosaki Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill The Magic of Thinking Big by David J. Schwartz Building A Story Brand by Donald Miller The 10X Rule by Grant Cardone Head over to MikeMaeshiro.com to see his resources, coaching services, and all the things. He is also on Instagram at @mikemaeshiro and YouTube at Mike Maeshiro. He also has a podcast called Confessions of a Reformer about all the things. XO, Kat  

  Do you ever think ‘When do I make the transition from my full-time job to my side hustle?’ ‘How do I choose a side hustle?’ or ‘How do I spend my time and money in a new business?’ and ‘How do I even make money in a new business?’ You are not alone. This week Stacy Tuschl, an expert in growing small businesses, is here to answer your questions! Y’all, she started her own company in her parents’ backyard when she was 18 and now it is a multi-million-dollar business. I always look to her for business advice and I can’t wait for you to hear her wisdom.    How She Got Her Start: SUCCESS IS NEVER OVERNIGHT. ·      Stacy grew up in an entrepreneurial family.  ·      “I feel like everybody else could probably see it, but I didn’t.” ·      She went to school fully planning on working for someone else after college, but she wound up teaching dancing and it grew from 17 students to 100 in a year.  ·      Now she has two performing arts academies that gross over $1 million. ·      “It’s been 17 years of building that business, so please know that I did not start there.” ·      It took Stacy 5 years to bring in a single paycheck. There is NO such thing as overnight success.   Making Money With Your Side Hustle ·      If you love what you’re doing in your business, the business will last. ·      “What would I do even if I never got paid for it?” ·      You can either spend time or spend money to make your business grow. Ex: spending time: doing the work yourself vs. spending money: outsourcing the work.   When to Take The Leap ·      Get Practical: It’s just like quitting any job—are you ready for it financially? ·      Take some time to ask yourself: how much time you have to give, how much money you have to invest, who do you have depending on you?  ·      Stacy’s advice is to just take action, because then you can start getting feedback which will help you mold the perfect business.   Listening To Your Audience ·      You need to constantly be getting feedback from your audience because people are constantly changing and that means their needs are changing too. ·      At the end of every lesson, Stacy has a google form asking questions like ‘What did you get out of this?’ ‘Where did you struggle?’ and ‘What do you wish I would have taught?’ ·      Don’t just ask the questions, LEARN from them! Give your clients what they are asking for.    Career Pivots ·      You have to be your own individual in your business. Be who others aren’t so you can serve who others aren’t. ·      We all have blind spots in our businesses, and it takes courage to stop and reflect. ·       “Just because you don’t know what your next thing is doesn’t mean you’re not meant for it.” ·      Give yourself space to think and have an open mind for whatever is coming next for you.   Keep up with Stacy on Instagram at @stacytuscl or visit her website at StacyTuschl.com. She now has a podcast called Foot Traffic Podcast and a signature program called Foot Traffic Formula, which you can access through her website.   If you are enjoying the podcast, I want to invite you to leave a rating and review on iTunes! We love hearing what your favorite episodes are and always welcome any general feedback! It also helps us be more visible in the iTunes world. If you want to leave a review but don’t know how, head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram and find the “Review 101” under story highlights.   Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out! With you on the journey.   XO, Kat

  I am so grateful to have Ashley LeMieux on the podcast this week. She is the founder and CEO of The Shine Project and she is currently launching her first book called “Born To Shine.” This week we are chatting about walking through grief, finding healing, holding onto hope, and how to shine in your darkest moments.   Her Why When Ashley was little, she was very shy so she would write out all of her feelings. “If you asked me while I was young, I would always tell you that I wanted to be a writer who helped people heal their hearts.” She let doubts and concerns of others let her stray from this path of writing while she was in college, but she decided to start a blog called The Shine Project. That same blog has now grown into a product line and online community for women. She acknowledges that fear can prevent us from pursuing our dreams and even just finding out what our dreams are in the first place. “In our heart of hearts, if we just sit still enough, I think we all kind of already know what that thing is… we just bury it with layers to distract us so we don’t have to do it.” We too often let our minds jump to all the things that can go wrong.   Holding Onto Hope One day, she and her husband were called and asked to parent a four and six-year old. “At that moment, it felt like everything in our lives had led us to that point and to be able to say yes.” Several years into their being a family of four, they were still finalizing the adoption process and there was an unexpected contested adoption. While she was away, they found out that their children would be taken from them the next morning. She wasn’t able to see them and so she wrote letters from her hotel. “Every day felt like I was carrying the weight of the world.” In those moments, she saw that this painful experience was a trial of their faith. She knew that they would come out the other side. “I didn’t know the depths of that pain existed.”   Finding Healing “My healing process will be for the rest of my life.” She spent time with various therapists to help with the healing process and she felt the fog of grief begin to lift the tiniest bit after one year. Her big turning moment was a moment in which she looked in the mirror for the first time in a while and she was lifeless. “It was like everything had been vacuumed out of me.” In that moment, she realized she didn’t want to feel the same way looking in the mirror when she gets to be 80 years old. “How can I live a fulfilled happy joyful life while still feeling pain? Because they have to co-exist. They have to.” From there, she discovered the difference between suffering and pain. She could drop her suffering and hold on to joy.   How To Shine In Your Darkest Moments We don’t have to be afraid of the dark. “The light within us is brighter than any of the darkness that surround us.” How can what’s burying me start serving me? When she was buried in pain, loss, and heartbreak, she decided to rise above it. Give yourself permission. To dream, to find joy, to be excellent, to shine! “We don’t give ourselves permission to shine and we dim our own light. There’s already so much out there that’s trying to work against us and the last thing we need is to work against ourselves.” Show up to the biggest fights of your life with love. It’s easy to get in fight mode or be in the “me against the world” mentality. Anger depletes us, but love can’t be taken away. “Once we start giving it, there’s just so much more to receive of it.” Ignite the light in others. Focusing outside of yourself and serving others brings purpose to our pain. Our pain allows us to understand people differently.   If You Are Walking Through Grief Right Now “Your story is not yet over. No matter how dark it gets around you. No matter how dim and bleak and painful everything feels, you were born to shine.” “Sometimes, the best view we have of the stars is when we’re knocked flat out on our backs in the darkest night.”   You can find Ashley at @ashleyklemieux and go to theshineproject.com/tour to order her book! There, you can also see her book tour and see what city she’ll be in near you.   If you are enjoying the podcast, I want to invite you to leave a rating and review on iTunes! We love hearing what your favorite episodes are and always welcome any general feedback! It also helps us be more visible in the iTunes world. If you want to leave a review but don’t know how, head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram and find the “Review 101” under story highlights.   Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.   Fab Fit Fun is a seasonal subscription box that has FULL-SIZED beauty, fitness, fashion, and lifestyle products and I am so obsessed, y’all. The contents always have a worth of about $200 the boxes only cost $49.99! A few of my favorites from this box: a travel yoga mat, Vitamin C serum, and a gold eye mask. Even better? You get to customize what goes into your box! If you’ve ever thought about trying it—now is the time! If you go to www.fabfitfun.com and use code TRW, you’ll get $10 off your first box!  

  Are you a single woman of faith trying to figure out how to navigate dating in today’s hookup culture and online dating? I get it… it can be confusing and frustrating. This week I brought a Christian sexologist on the podcast to help navigate these murky waters. Dr. Celeste Holbrook’s goal in life is to create safe spaces for women to talk about sex. My hope is that this will encourage you to get curious about your own sexuality.   Growing Up In Purity Culture Celeste grew up going to purity conferences and wearing a purity ring.  Her home was not shame-filled, but everyone around her was very conservative when it came to conversations about sex.   The Moment They Were Waiting For When they first had sex, it was extremely painful and not enjoyable for her.  “I thought I was going to be rewarded with great sex.” This disconnect between Celeste and her husband began to erode their relationship. “I felt a lot of shame for not living up to what I thought I should be sexually.” She realized she never had good sex education. She decided to embark on a journey to unlearn shame, and to learn her body in a fresh way.   Deconstructing Sex And Shame “I went through that process so that I could enter into a sexual space and feel worthy of pleasure and sex that felt good.” After experiencing breakthrough and pain-free sex, she made it her mission to help others in similar circumstances and pivoted from studying behavior to sexual behavior. “Although it’s a natural biological thing, it doesn’t come naturally. You have to learn how to do it just like riding a bike.” Madonna Whore Complex: “You’re shamed if you have too much sex and you’re shamed if you have no sex. There’s this pendulum that we can’t seem to step out of.”   What Is Sexuality? Sexuality is way more than just sex, desire, or physical intimacy. “Sexuality is far more than that bottom layer of what it looks like biologically.”   What Is Sex? A lot of single Christian women are wondering about physical boundaries in sex. 75% of women don’t climax from vaginal sex—they climax from clitoral stimulation. Freud told women that to have an orgasm through clitoral stimulation is to be infantile.  In 1998, neurologist Helen Connoll put the clitoris into the journal of sexual medicine.  “Limiting the term ‘sex’ to ‘penis’ and ‘vagina’ is marginalizing and produces shame.” Pleasure gets confused with hedonism, but pleasure is acknowledged in Matthew 6:26. “We can’t have the conversation about pleasure and spirituality without having a conversation about sensuality.”   What is Sensuality? “When we think about us as sensual beings, we are literally experiencing the creation and the creator through all five of our senses.” Sensuality can be as simple as being in the moment. We can’t experience our senses in the past or future… only the present. What does celibacy mean to you when sensuality and sexuality are closely related? You can embrace sensuality in these smaller ways before we have sex.   Books To Read: Sex Godby Rob Bell Good Christian Sexby Bromleigh McCleneghan Shamelessby Nadia Bolz-Weber Come As You Areby Dr. Emily Nagoski   If any parts of this conversation have felt triggering for you, just know that whatever you’re feeling is valid. There is no judgement. Validate your feelings and then question why those feelings are coming up for you. “Our God is one that encourages curious questions and sincere questioning.” Celeste has so many resources for you, including 20 sex-enhancing questions for freeon her website. She also offers free30-minute discovery calls. If you have questions about anything we talked about today, go to her website and click on “30 Minute Discovery Call.” She also has coursesfor one on one consulting if that feels right for you.    If you are enjoying the podcast, I want to invite you to leave a rating and review on iTunes! We love hearing what your favorite episodes are and always welcome any general feedback! It also helps us be more visible in the iTunes world. If you want to leave a review but don’t know how, head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram and find the “Review 101” under story highlights.   Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out! With you on the journey.   XO, Kat  

  Hello, friends! Thanks so much for being here! Today, I’m talking to my dear friend Ashley Abercrombie who is a literal superwoman. She is a mother, wife, writer, speaker, and author of Rise of the Truth Teller. Ashley is so full of grace and our friendship has challenged me so much. In this episode, we chat about how you can live authentically without prematurely sharing your story, finding healing, and how you can handle confrontation and conflict.   Ashley’s Story Growing up, people always came to her for advice, but she never felt comfortable taking off that mask to say that she needed help and advice too. When she got to college, she began abusing drugs and alcohol, and later struggled with bulimia and was also sexually assaulted, which resulted in pregnancy and abortion. “I’ll stick this somewhere where nobody will ever find it. I’ll put this somewhere where I’ll never have to deal with it and I’ll just keep it moving.” She remembers crying out for God when she felt most out of control and shares what it felt like when she felt His presence and love. “We’re created for wholeness; we’re not created for perfection. We can find wholeness in the midst of our brokenness.”   Sharing Your Story Publicly It’s important to share your story, but it’s also important to protect your own healing first and foremost. “In the context of safe and healthy relationships is where we need to be processing things.” When we don’t have safe relationships to process with, we should be turning to therapists. Instead, the trend is to either keep it all in or share with the whole world. “Sharing your story can be a way of masking.” It’s vulnerable, but we need to learn to ask advice from our close community.   Questions To Ask Yourself Weekly Do you like the person you are becoming? Is your heart for God shrinking or growing? Have you compromised on your financial integrity? Have you compromised on your sexual integrity? Are you giving your family your emotional scraps?   Accepting The Love You Think You Deserve Ashley remembers a pastor saying, “Everyone does love their neighbor as they love themselves and that’s the problem.” She shares that we need to set our sights on God because then it becomes easier for us to see ourselves and others in the light of who He is. We can manage our expectations and still hold on to hope. “There is no way for hope to survive when we’re lonely and isolated.” We need people to carry us through.   Speaking Your Truth and Fighting Well Ashley shares how we can have these truthful conversations as well as navigate conflict. She first asks for grace and frames her concern as a question to the other person. We’ve been trained to think that conflict shouldn’t happen or that there’s a way to resolve it without actually dealing with the issue. “We have this mental struggle to understand that conflict is very normal. It should be a daily part of our life.” Most importantly: you can resolve it. Healthy relationships can be maintained even when those involved are in a conflict that takes longer to resolve. A good way to approach these conversations is to start with “I” because it helps prevent us from coming from a place of blame.   Healing Your Past “I had to recognize that this was going to be a process.” She remembers sharing her story with a friend and feeling how just her presence there was helpful. She never tried to give her quick fixes—she was simply a presence. “What does it look like for me to be honest in this space?” She found places to serve, mentor, and journey with people. She has found the courage to be honest on her journey. “When I’m tempted, I say so.”   Isn’t Ashley amazing? You can buy her book anywhere books are sold! Follow her on Instagram at @ashabercrombie and visit her website ashabercrombie.org.   If you are enjoying the podcast, I want to invite you to leave a rating and review on iTunes! We love hearing what your favorite episodes are and always welcome any general feedback! It also helps us be more visible in the iTunes world. If you want to leave a review but don’t know how, head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram and find the “Review 101” under story highlights.   Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out! With you on the journey.   XO, Kat

  This week on the podcast, I’m chatting with Natasha Miller. She is a daughter of God, wife to Jamal Miller, and mother of Harvest Ann and Melodie Grace. She is also the co-founder of Miller Media Group, a company dedicated to raising up brands and publications that reflect God’s voice. She also founded Fearless Women Mentorship, where she helps women to recognize their inner beauty and warrior. This episode, we’re chatting about singleness, relationships, unexpected challenges of marriage, and how to plan for marriage and not the wedding day. You’ve heard her husband, Jamal, describe the way they met and fell in love on his episode of The Dudes Series, but now you get to hear her side of the same story!   How They Met They met on Facebook y’all! After a few YEARS, Jamal got bold and told her that he was interested in her. “He wasn’t a man who was living on an island by himself. He was a man who was committed and a man who was open to hearing other voices in his life. It brought me a lot of comfort knowing that I wasn’t a secret.” Natasha was in SoCal and Jamal was in Chicago, so they started by having phone dates. “From the moment I heard his voice, I knew he was a man who knew what he wanted.” They spoke every day and met for the first time in Chicago at a conference. Jamal was her first relationship and kiss—now they are celebrating 6 years of marriage.  “This decision was not just for my present, but it was for my future. Right now, this is a gift that the Lord is giving me.”   The Unexpected Challenges of Marriage Once life really started to happen and they moved into an apartment and she didn’t have a job, she felt afraid. All these fears started coming up for her. “I had this romantic idea of what a marriage should look like.” One month in, she started feeling sadness and depression. She was constantly comparing herself to Jamal, who was thriving. She was in the mentality that she needed to be who her husband needed her to be and who everyone around her needed her to be. In conflict, they were repeating what their parents did. This continued 3.5 years into marriage after they had their kids. They hit a breaking point where their communication was not working. “I didn’t know how to communicate what I was feeling because I was afraid of being rejected.”   Finding The Breakthrough Their breakthrough wasn’t overnight; healing in their marriage took time and years of leaning in. Now, Natasha and Jamal are working on their business Married and Young, which they started one year into their marriage. “We want to make marriage popular. We want people to desire it again.”   How to Invest Into Your Marriage Invest in your personal development and heal from your past. You need to forgive yourself and address past pain and hurt. Don’t be afraid to dig deep. “Before you can extend grace to others you have to learn how to extend it to yourself.” Realize that when you are putting in the work that it is not just for you, it is for God. You need to have a bigger why.  “You can forgive and still love. You can be hurt and still grow.” Truly take the time to know who you are. Discover your purpose. “There’s a difference between communicating and being vulnerable.” For the single ladies: you can practice this vulnerability with your family and friends because if you can’t practice it there, you won’t be able to practice it in marriage. Being able to practice it in your marriage will help sustain it during the difficult times. “When you allow God to change you from the inside out, that’s when you’re able to truly love someone who is unlovable.”   How incredible is Natasha?! I know y’all want to connect with her so follow her at @natashaannmiller and on Facebook at Natasha Ann Miller. If you’re interested in seeing Married and Young’s resources or joining their email list, head over to MarriedAndYoung.com. If you are enjoying the podcast, I want to invite you to leave a rating and review on iTunes! We love hearing what your favorite episodes are and always welcome any general feedback! It also helps us be more visible in the iTunes world. If you want to leave a review but don’t know how, head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram and find the “Review 101” under story highlights.   Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out! With you on the journey.   XO, Kat

  This week on the podcast, I’m chatting with Mia Fieldes, who I first discovered through another podcast. Whenever I become obsessed with someone’s story, I love to look them up, but Mia is a very private person. We start off talking about the pressure today to share everything while we’re in it. As my mentor says, we have to teach from our scars not our scabs. “You have to be okay with some things being hidden.” Mia is a Grammy-nominated songwriter who is from Australia and is living in Nashville with her husband. She has written songs for Hillsong, including No. 1 radio hits ‘He Knows My Name,’ ‘Chainbreaker,’ and ‘First.’ On this episode, we talk about pursuing God’s calling as well as staying connected to hope and keeping perspective in seasons of singleness.   Pursuing God’s Calling “When I was really little, I really did think I was going to do something amazing.” She grew up as a triplet and remembers when her sisters would go to bed she would write letters to God saying, “One day I’m going to do something amazing for you. One day I’m going to write songs all over the world.” “Faith is incredibly hard and it’s incredibly easy.” Her mother was 22, single, and pregnant with triplets. She struggled with drug abuse, they lived in the projects, and they received food stamps from the Salvation Army. The Salvation Army noticed her mother had three little kids and so they brought them to Sunday school. There, Mia sang songs about Jesus and developed the foundation of her faith. “My mom was on the same journey as I was.”   Staying Connected to Hope in Singleness “How do you believe God for something that is fully dependent on somebody else’s free will?” She spent a lot of time being single and didn’t even kiss a boy until she was 22. When she was beginning her first relationship, she realized that she was putting so much pressure on it because she had waited so long to enter her first relationship. “I felt a grace to be single.” You have to follow peace so that when you are in the storm your peace is your anchor. “Everyone told me marriage would be hard… and I thought ‘yeah but being single is hard.’” It’s all your perspective, but there is beauty in every season. “When you get to a certain age, people put limitations on you that God never does.” She notices that everyone seems to be fighting for a piece of the pie, but everyone gets their own whole pie. She got her own promise from God.   Keeping Perspective We need to be optimistic. If we spend our energy complaining, we will get no closer to where we want to be. We will receive that negative energy back. “You create your world with your words.” Mia recalls the journey she went on with God guiding her toward a positive mindset and eventually her husband. “God plucked my husband seemingly out of nowhere.” “If you have to convince someone into something, then believe me someone will convince them out of it.” It’s easy to worry about the things you’ll have to compromise on, but when the right person comes along, you’ll realize there is no real compromise to be made. “It’s so important to go to God for yourself and get your own promise. Otherwise you will filter what God is doing with you through everyone else’s story.” “I don’t want the plagiarized version of somebody else’s story.” Mia says that her husband, Joren, has been healing for her. “God is writing a way bigger story than you can think about.”   Top Three Things To Look For In Your Person Look for someone who is committed to change. A partner must also be able to handle conflict well. Communication!   Mia doesn’t have a website, but she does have an Instagram! You can give her a follow at @miafieldes. If you want to hear more details of her story, listen to this episode of the C3 NYC podcast.   If you are enjoying the podcast, I want to invite you to leave a rating and review on iTunes! We love hearing what your favorite episodes are and always welcome any general feedback! It also helps us be more visible in the iTunes world. If you want to leave a review but don’t know how, head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram and find the “Review 101” under story highlights.   Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out! With you on the journey.   XO, Kat

It’s been a minute since I’ve done a solo show! I’m going to be honest with you guys: one of my fears is that you will only listen to the podcast if I have guests on or that the podcast will only grow if I have guests sharing the episode with their communities. But I’m moving through this insecurity and bringing the fear to light to give it less power. That being said, I am committed to stepping into this vulnerable space and doing more solo shows for you! Randomly during one of my workout classes the phrase “babies, botox, and body image” popped into my head. So that’s what we are going to discuss today! Before we dive in, I want you to know that you have permission to be in the process and on the journey. None of us are perfect!   Babies I’ve always wanted to be a mother, but life has not turned out like I thought it would. This year is the first time I started to feel that biological clock start ticking.  I don’t want fear driving me into a relationship because of pressure to get things going. Even in the midst of disappointment and unmet expectations, I am allowed to hope.  It’s okay to want to have babies and it’s okay to not want to have babies. 1 Samuel 1: Hannah asks God for a son and she ends her life with five children. Mark Batterson, author of The Circle Maker, says to be bold and specific in prayer and then surrender. It’s okay to be honest with God about your desire.  It’s ok to be disappointed with God. He can handle it. He is gracious, kind, and patient. He wants to be in relationship with us.    Botox “You’re allowed to be a person in process.”   People ask me what I do for my skin and the reality is that I take really good care of it (Rodan and Fields anti aging system, Primally Pure toxic free clarifying serum, hyolauronic acid)… and I also get botox. Botox always felt so vain and fake in my opinion, so I judged myself for wanting it. Even though I really love it, I have still felt shame about it and felt silently judged when it comes up in conversations. We need to disconnect from the “should,” because then we can really unfold why we want this thing and discover if it is in alignment with who we are. I judged myself because I wanted to look and feel younger. I felt like I’d be letting you down if you knew that I still have insecurities—but I am in process just as you are.  “Do we have space for each other to be on a journey?  Gosh, I sure hope so.”   Body Image I love the body positivity movement and the fact that women like Ashley Graham are literally changing the game in the fashion industry and in our culture. I do think we live in a culture of extremism, though. I’m a size 6, but models that are getting jobs are size 00 or size 12+. It still breeds the mentality of ‘not enough.’ Is there space for a person like me to be represented in our culture? I have lost ‘influencer’ jobs for not being skinny enough + now for not being big enough. “It’s almost felt as though I don’t have the permission to struggle with my body image because I’m in the middle of the road.” I overcame an eating disorder and praise God for that! (If you didn’t know that, I have an episode all about it.) I am healthy but I also have days where I don’t feel confident. I was listening to This American Life recently called “Ten Sessions” where a woman goes into therapy sessions while moving through abuse from childhood. She had to give herself permission to grieve and seek healing from a sexual abuse where she wasn’t raped. She didn’t think her pain was valid because it wasn’t as bad as someone else’s. “Wholeness is acknowledging that my stuff is worth gaining freedom from no matter how big or little I think it is.” I hope that our culture can keep embracing body positivity and that we create a culture of honor for all shapes and sizes.   My hope is that my story reminds you that you’re not alone, you’re allowed to hope, you’re allowed to be imperfect, you’re allowed to be on a journey. You, just as you are today right now, are enough.   Let’s talk about these things! Head over to @therefinedcollective and let’s have a conversation. I want to thank you for all of your encouraging comments, DMs, and reviews. I want to hear what episode has meant the most to you! Let us know in a review on iTunes and while you’re there, make sure you subscribe so you can get new episodes delivered to your phone as soon as they go live!   Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out! With you on the journey.

Has anyone else noticed that CBD is totally having a moment? You’re probably wondering ‘What is CBD?’ ‘Can I Get High From CBD?’ and ‘Is CBD legal?’ I put out a poll on IG stories and asked you if you’d want me to have an expert on to learn more about it and it just so happens that my bestie Boronia Fallshaw is the founder of Mello. We’re recording from my bed, just like the episodes with my other besties Sara and Amanda.    “I think it’s important, when you’re talking about something like CBD, to completely understand it scientifically so you know how it’s going to affect your body.” What Is CBD vs THC? Why Is CBD Legal? A cannabinoid is a chemical compound that exists in cannabis—there are about 85. They work with your endocannabinoid system which regulates homeostasis.  Our bodies already create endocannabinoids, but when we get sick things get deficient and the system doesn’t function properly. You can bring your body back to homeostasis through the use of cannabinoids.  CBD is a cannabinoid that works with the cannabinoid receptors outside of your brain, that’s why it doesn’t give you the high. THC works with the receptors inside your brain, thus causing highs. CBD only recently became legalized. For a long time, it was in a grey area. As of December 2018, the Farm Bill was approved, which legalized products containing hemp-derived cannabinoids, including CBD and THC. However, the concentration of THC within each product can never be above 0.3%.  Something to be aware of: CBD sometimes comes up on drug tests.  How To Identify A Good Product “Read the packaging labels and read the ingredient labels.” Check the amount of CBD. A reputable brand will list the gross amount (total in the package) as well as the recommended serving. Cannabinoids only come from: stalks, leaves, flowers, buds, and stems. Seed oils do not contain cannabinoids, but can function well in beauty products. See if it is full spectrum, broad spectrum, or an isolate. Make sure it is hemp-derived! Full spectrum includes the limited amount of THC, the anti-oxidants, the omega 3’s. Broad spectrum is the same, minus the THC. Isolate is when ONLY the CBD is extracted. What You Need To Know About Edibles A lot of cafes will have drinks that include CBD, but you should be careful of that.  “When you’re ingesting any edible, you’re only getting 20% of it.” So if they are using an oil that is designed to be held under the tongue in your coffee you are wasting its value. If you want to add CBD to your coffee make sure you are using a product that is designed to be digested.  The brand you are buying from should be clear about the product being a tincture (ie: designed to be held under the tongue) vs a water soluble product that is designed to be drunk or eaten.  It’s important to make sure that anything you are using as an edible is being marketed as an edible. If it’s not meant to be an edible, you’re wasting your money. How To Use CBD Making sure you’re dosing correctly is trial and error. Boronia journals every day to track her responses. “That got me to a point where I know that 33 mg every day is perfect for me.” If you’re new to CBD products, use the recommended dosage for the product and go from there.  “Get into a regime because then you’re operating from a place of fullness rather than deficiency.” If you’re not feeling any change after three days, get in contact with the company you bought it from and ask questions. Figure out the best way to use it for you. Perks of CBD Boronia swears by CBD because it helps her but gives her no side effects. “It’s like coming out of a really epic meditation but it’s with you throughout the whole day.” Any time people say it doesn’t work for them it is often because they are expecting to feel something in their head, but that is not where CBD is at work. “It doesn’t fix you, it helps your body fix itself.” “How can I bring balance back into my life?” Some Of Your Questions: Should I get off of my anxiety medications and switch to CBD?  Absolutely not—get in touch with your doctor and discuss with them that you want to try cannabinoids. Plenty of people do both. Should you take CBD when you’re pregnant? No. We don’t know the science of what it does to a fetus. If you really want to, consult your doctor. What are the top reasons to take CBD? Effective pain reliever, anti-inflammatory, anxiety reducing, helps sleep, appetite control, moderates the number of seizures people have.  What are your favorite products? Boronia’s company sells bath bombs and she also loves vaping. It hits your bloodstream really quickly so you can take as needed. And, Mello just launched their own product, delicious Sea Salted Caramels with 15mg of CBD in each bite.  Boronia advises that you should just give CBD a go! Test it for a while, journal about what it does for you, and make it work for you. However, if you experience any adverse effects, absolutely stop taking it. You can keep up with Boronia on Instagram at @boroniamarie and visit her website at MelloDaily.com, Instagram at @mellodailycbd, or email her at [email protected]. If you want to learn more, head over to https://mellodaily.com/cbd-facts/. If you like the podcast, I want to invite you to subscribe to the podcast and leave a rating and review. It helps us to get the episode out to more people and means the world to us! We’d love to hear your reactions to this specific episode and what topics you want to hear more of! Fab Fit Fun is a seasonal subscription box that has FULL-SIZED beauty, fitness, fashion, and lifestyle products and I am so obsessed, y’all. The contents always have a worth of about $200 the boxes only cost $49.99! A few of my favorites from this box: a travel yoga mat, Vitamin C serum, and a gold eye mask. Even better? You get to customize what goes into your box! If you’ve ever thought about trying it—now is the time! If you go to www.fabfitfun.com and use code TRW, you’ll get $10 off your first box! XO, Kat Harris

Bianca Olthoff is a pastor, Bible teacher, speaker, author, and a million other things. She and her husband began planning churches this past year and their love story is incredible. She also just released a book where she shows us how to confront the hard truths of life. Our interview was cut short because of technical problems, but we had such an incredible chat about divorce, sugar daddies, the expectations we put on ourselves, and the mentalities that hold us back. The Heart Behind Her Book Bianca’s third book, How To Have Your Life Not Suck, is a sort of manual for her 25-year-old self that was facing life’s challenges. “If you are not dead, God ain’t done, sister.” She looks back on these lessons and sees how they apply to her life even today. “It’s your story, it’s your pain, it’s your loss, it’s your tragedy, it’s your trauma, it’s your success, it’s your wins, and no one can take that from you.” We love the up and down journeys of characters in films, but when we experience the downs in life, we want none of it. But we need it to become who we are. “We want the progress without the process and it doesn’t work like that.” Confronting Expectations When Bianca turned 25, she looked back at the goals she set for herself several years earlier and found she was not where she wanted to be. “I’m willing to step into the hard, I’m willing to be responsible.” The difference between girls and women is not a matter of age, it is a matter of choice. Choosing to step into the hard work makes you an adult. “There is beauty in the work.” On Wanting Sugar Daddies “We can wait around hoping, wishing, praying that Prince Charming will come and rescue us but the truth is that if we are believers in Christ we’ve already been rescued.” Bianca challenges us to prove to ourselves that we can take care of ourselves. She warns us to not take it too far, though. “In our independence we can push people away.” If we are open for relationships, are we making that known? Like lights on taxis, we need to indicate if we are open or shut down to the possibility. “We want to complain about things that we actually have control over.” Bianca’s Love Story Bianca was in her late 20’s and waiting for God to bring a man to her doorstep. She ultimately started an online dating profile on eHarmony, where she ended up meeting her current husband, who had previously been married and had two children. She was confronted by the opinions of society, her family, her friends, and her church. “We have an opportunity to play a part in someone’s redemption story. That is a gift. That is an honor. But let me say this: that is not easy.” “When you choose that person, you’re choosing their entire life.” Ruth was a widow, was barren, could no longer have kids, and went to work and caught the eye of an amazing man who loved her. “The moment you walk in in this servitude of ‘I can’t believe you’ve seen me, woe is me,’ is the moment you forget who you are. Child of God, you are fearfully and wonderfully made.” If you are in that mindset, it will take work and therapy to achieve a healthy mindset. “There are beautiful things that grow out of really dry and barren places so don’t give up.” Now I’m not divorced, but did this talk with Bianca make me cry? YUP. I am so grateful for Bianca, her friendship, her book, and her story. Her book just came out yesterday and you can buy it on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or any brick and mortar shop. You can get more info at BiancaOlthoff.com or on social media at @biancaolthoff.  If you like the podcast, I want to invite you to subscribe to the podcast and leave a rating and review. It helps us to get the episode out to more people and means the world to us! We’d love to hear your reactions to this specific episode and what topics you want to hear more of! Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to getting out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out! With you on the journey. XO, Kat Harris

I am so excited to be chatting with my soul sister Kate Eskuri today! This episode we’re talking all about PERIODS. Ladies, you’re going to learn so much more than you ever did in health class. Kate is a registered nurse, holistic health junkie, and the voice behind The Foundation Blog. She is currently getting her doctorate degree in integrative health and healing and is passionate about helping women maximize their health by simple and foundational health practices. Our hope is that this conversation will empower you to do research and make informed decisions for that time of the month. Finding The Balance Kate took a year off from being a nurse in the Mayo Clinic to work on her sister Jenna Kutcher's Goal Digger Podcast. During this time, she realized her passion for integrative health. “What are you doing when you’re putting off something else?” She knows that areas of Western medicine need improvement, but also recognizes that this medicine is the reason we are alive today after seeing it in action in the ICU. However, chronic conditions that plague our country prove a need for a shift toward the holistic. We need to look at sleep, stress, and diet. “I feel very at home in this spot in the middle.” Becoming A Woman “Everything in my life was very natural but yet I was still controlling this really natural and beautiful cycle.” Kate never felt any shame around her period. “I just felt honored and excited about it.” Her periods were regular but were more frequent than they should have been. “It takes a while to normalize your cycle.” Wanting to prevent this near constant bleeding, she tried the NuvaRing but ultimately settled on the Mirena IUD which allowed her to continue ovulating. Cons of Hormonal Contraceptive “I completely trust my fellow woman to make the choice that is best for her. There is an option that is right for everybody.” The hormones in contraceptives are not the exact hormones your body would make.  Hormonal contraception often suppress ovulation and ultimately suppress hormones that are natural and have important benefits. “You’re inhibiting a very natural process that goes a lot deeper than just your period.” The Phases Of Your Cycle Ladies + Gents--the below is just an overview...you gotta listen to the whole episode to get the goods of each phase of your cycle! 1. Menstruation/Winter Day 1: shedding the uterine lining. You’re maybe feeling moody or withdrawn, experiencing cramps, and a need to slow down. It’s like the ‘winter’ season of the cycle. Follicular/Spring Day 3 or 4: Follicle stimulating hormone is working on the dominant egg. More energy in this phase, almost like stepping back into your skin. This time is good for creative projects and you’ll experience clear thinking. “You feel energetic and attractive... it’s just a really vibrant time.” Ovulation/Summer Body releases egg as the pituitary gland signals for it to release. “You can’t kind of ovulate—you either ovulate or you don’t.” High energy, high sex drive, you feel attractive. Your hormones even make you more attractive to those around you. There is a study that shows a correlation between a woman’s scent during ovulation and a man’s attraction to her. Luteal/Fall Progesterone—can make you moody and somber, but it’s really important. “It is the yin to estrogen’s yang.” Progesterone is calming, helps sleep, reduces inflammation, + builds muscles. “The shift from being so estrogen dominant at parts of your cycle to progesterone dominant causes an influx of emotion—what we see as PMS.” Getting To Know Your Period “Your period health says a lot about your overall health.” Track Your Cycle! Kate journals every morning and will write about how she is feeling on the previous day of her cycle. A few key words is all you need—nothing flashy! Kate uses the Ava app and Kat uses the My Flo app.  “Your period story does not have to be suffering every month.” Books To Read: The Period Repair Manual by Laura Briden (textbook info in novel format) Hormonal by Martie Haselton (quick + easy relatable read)  Thoughts On Period Products Thoughts on tampons? “Invest in organic—it does matter.” Regular tampons are covered in toxins. Thoughts on menstrual cups? Tampons are single use and create waste so this is a great alternative. Kate uses OrganiCup and LOVES it. “I can’t believe I lived for so long without using it.” It’s easy to clean—simply boil between cycles. It may not be for everybody—some women say they experience more cramps using a cup. Thoughts on Thinx? Kate hasn’t tried them, but Kat has some friends that swear by them and only use them during their periods.  “Whatever makes you feel most at home and comfortable with your period… I say go for it.” You can keep up with Kate on Instagram at @kate.eskuri or at her website thefoundationblog.com. She shares everything from safe ways to grow out your eyelashes to yummy recipes. She has a post specifically about acupressure for periods too! “It all comes back to the base of introducing small integrative habits into your day to live your most balanced and vibrant life.” You can sign up for her email list to get secret special content that nobody else sees! If you join now you can see her evening rituals for better sleep and her all-natural grocery shopping guide.  If you like the podcast, I want to invite you to subscribe to the podcast and leave a rating and review. It helps us to get the episode out to more people and means the world to us! We’d love to hear your reactions to this specific episode and what topics you want to hear more of! Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey. XO, Kat 

  Today, we are very lucky to have one of my dear friends, Dianna Bautista, on the podcast. We go way back—she once gave me my dream Beyoncé haircut (from her XO music video) in my kitchen. She used to work as a celebrity hair stylist, but now she lives and works in Thailand, where she helps men and women come out of sex trafficking through her nonprofit, Shear International. This episode, we talk about living life to the fullest regardless of the season you are in (cough cough:  whether you’re married or not). She talks about her journey of healing from an abusive marriage, and why she is loving her season of singleness.   The WHY  “I don’t want any woman to ever experience what I have experienced.”   The town she lives in is widely recognized as the sex tourism capital of the world.  She goes into brothels, pays pimps for time with a girl, and sits to talk with them. After they build trust with these women, they help them to see that there are ways out. When she was little, she was unable to use her voice to help her brother who was a victim of sexual abuse. After she came home from a trip where she witnessed similar abuse, she was encouraged by her brother to use the voice she has now. “There is no room in this world for complacency.”   Red Flags “My faith meant something to me and I just thought it was okay that he ‘respected’ what I believed.” She only realized after the fact that he did not dedicate enough time to her. “I felt only worthy of what he was willing to give me.” Ladies: just because he is treating you better than other men have does NOT mean he is treating you well. “Any attention he gave me was good enough.” “The way that you allow people to treat you is how they will always treat you.”   Pursuing Wholeness “We need those friends in our lives who are willing to risk putting up the mirror.” These friends help us confront truths, even when they are really hard to confront. “His addiction to porn became such shame to me.” It took her years of therapy and healing to realize that it had nothing to do with her. “That was his shame, not mine.” Healing is a long process. “You don’t get to come out free the other side unless you do the work.” She acknowledges that the healing process is often even more painful than what you need healing from—it’s like breaking a bone.   Healing takes TIME. “I want the man of my prayers, not the man of my dreams.”   The healing is not only a slow process, but it’s also a never-ending process. “I’ll be on my journey until the day I die.” Too often, we put our lives on pause because we feel it can’t fully start until we have that one person to do it with. Lady Dianna is doing all of this single. Though she would be happy to be in a relationship, she is happy where she now. “I’m choosing to desire what God wants for me right now because the path I wanted to be on was never going to be a good idea.” God’s best for you is better than you can imagine. “I want the man of my prayers, not the man of my dreams.”   We were unexpectedly cut off as we were wrapping up because her Wi-Fi went out, but I hope this conversation has been as encouraging for you as it has been for me. She is living her calling and I want women all over the world to hear her story and realize they don’t need to wait for their life to start. Check out her nonprofit Shear Love International where you can learn  more about it and support her by giving monthly donations. Also, I want to give a shoutout to her admin Sara who has been such a supporter of the podcast!   If you like the podcast, I want to invite you to subscribe to the podcast and leave a rating and review. It helps us to get the episode out to more people and means the world to us!    Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.   Fab Fit Fun is a seasonal subscription box that has FULL-SIZED beauty, fitness, fashion, and lifestyle products and I am so obsessed, y’all. The contents always have a worth of about $200 the boxes only cost $49.99! A few of my favorites from this box: a travel yoga mat, Vitamin C serum, and a gold eye mask. Even better? You get to customize what goes into your box! If you’ve ever thought about trying it—now is the time! If you go to www.fabfitfun.com and use code TRW, you’ll get $10 off your first box!    XO, Kat

  Ashlyn Carter is a baller at marketing, copywriting, and productivity hacks. A lot of you have had questions like “how do I stay productive in my day to day life?” “how do I pursue my side hustle?” and “how do I work from home and stay motivated?”  Well, there is no better person to guide you through this than the one and only: Ashlyn Carter. How She Got Started “This job that I was in was never going to be okay with me taking rest.” Out of college, she worked in marketing and then in PR. When she made an effort to keep Sundays free from work, her boss told her she was in the wrong industry! She began to focus her control on her body and her eating and ultimately recognized she was suffering from anorexia, anxiety, and depression. After her wedding, she took steps toward healing and spent three months hospitalized. Soon after, she decided she wanted to work for herself so she started her own business. The Turning Point Mindset is critical when you are starting a new pursuit. “I looked at my new job as a business owner not a freelancer.” “It’s never been a better time to start a business, but at the same time it’s never been a noisier place.” Ashlyn used what she knew from marketing to excel in her new business. She would reach out to people who needed help, and slowly began to make a dent in the industry. “I found the Ashlyn-sized gap in the market.”  Being Organized As An Entrepreneur Ashlyn got obsessive about her work because she was determined to not go back to her old job. Because of this, she found herself back where she started working 7 days a week.  She wanted to set up a business that could run when she couldn’t work so she began “Ashlyn-proofing” her business with outlines and structures. It’s not going to change if you don’t make it a priority. Productivity Hacks Get a Parking Lot It’s important to have a constant space where you can put any idea in your head and know that it is logged and captured. This helps fight the shiny object syndrome. Make Lists At the end of the month, she looks at her to-do list and asks herself what felt like a “to do” and what actually was a “to do.” When it comes to realizing the difference, she sets annual goals and re-reads them every single week. Seeing these big goals alongside her daily “to do”s helps her to choose well. “What is actually going to inch me towards who I want to be at the end of 2019?” Be Nosy Pay attention to how people are spending their time.  Be curious. Try new hacks out. Keep it if it works. If it doesn’t work: throw it out. Weekly Review “You don’t get rewarded for what you intend to do; you get rewarded for what you DO.” Every week Ashlyn asks herself these 4 questions: What worked and didn’t work from this week? What lessons did I learn? What obstacles did I run into? How am I going to adjust moving forward? Batching Divide your business into five big topics you need to get done. Assign each big topic to a day of the week. i.e. Marketing, meetings, finance, client work, etc.  This brings back the structure that encourages us to get work done. Ashlyn leaves us with these wonderful words of wisdom: “Even if you never slept you still wouldn’t be able to meet the expectations everyone is putting on you.” Head over to her website AshlynWrites.com where you can get her freebies and sign up for her AMAZING emails!! You guys are still going crazy over last week’s episode of my recap of The Bachelorette! If you haven’t listened yet, hop over and do that after listening to this episode! If you like the podcast, I want to invite you to subscribe to the podcast and leave a rating and review. It helps us to get the episode out to more people! Fab Fit Fun is a seasonal subscription box that has FULL-SIZED beauty, fitness, fashion, and lifestyle products and I am so obsessed, y’all. The contents always have a worth of about $200 the boxes only cost $49.99! A few of my favorites from this box: a travel yoga mat, Vitamin C serum, and a gold eye mask. Even better? You get to customize what goes into your box! If you’ve ever thought about trying it—now is the time! If you go to www.fabfitfun.com and use code TRW, you’ll get $10 off your first box! 

This week’s conversation with my friend Dr. Shannon Irvine means so much to me because we’re talking about the idea of taking our thoughts captive and rewiring our brains. Fear can be subtle, so we often accept certain things in life that keep us stuck. Do you ever think “I’m just always going to be the bridesmaid,” “There are too many people with a similar message in my industry—why would I even try?” It’s time to remove fear from the driver’s seat of your life. Dr. Shannon helps entrepreneurs train their thinking to transform their businesses and their whole lives. She has a PhD in neuropsychology, where she studies the science of success.  The Science of the Brain Minds are neutral—that is why scripture says to renew your mind. Our brain is automated, but once we take our brain off of autopilot we can decide if the narratives we have been following are actually serving us well. Habits of a successful person: “What they’ve repeated over and over again is the truth according to the better versions of themselves.” Thoughts move like they’re on the freeway + have to jump if they’re to get off the path. When we repeat thoughts, the ‘freeways’ become glued together/automated. Most people think good habits take 21 days, but it really takes about 60-67 days to stop the old thoughts and choose to make your mind go to the new thoughts. How To Manage Your Thoughts Sit down and say “God, what do you want? Where are we going?” Think “I will become the creator of my thoughts.” Recognize that your thoughts create your reality. Look around at your life—that is evidence of your subconscious programming. Bottom line: stop being on autopilot. Trust The Process Go through a typical day and recognize when you’re feeling tired, stressed, in resistance, in tension. “Does that thought take me to where I want to be or keep me from it?” If you want to amplify it: put yourself in situations that stress you out with the intention of hearing the thoughts. All of us, particularly women, have negativity bias where we think more negative thoughts toward ourselves than toward others. The Four ‘R’ Process Recognition Focusing on the thoughts will not amplify them, it will help us address them. Record Write down the thought exactly as it came up in your mind. Removing/Refuting Choose somebody you love more than anything, and say out loud your thought but place it on that person (not to their face though!!). This will make you see the lie for what it is. On paper, start writing what is true for that person. It is a mirror truth… true for you also. Visualization/Brain Priming Two base lies: worth and value. It boils down to “I am enough.” Brain priming: paint the picture in your mind of your potential with all of your senses. Your brain will start seeing it as true. “Step into the version of ourselves that we want to become.” We start to show our brain from a conscious level “This is what I believe” and the brain starts to store it as truth and automate it. “You get to decide what to think.” What If The Thing Isn’t Supposed To Happen? “God gives you the desires of your heart.” “Don’t put limits on what God wants to do for you.” “You don’t know the capacity to which He has called you until you start believing for more than where you are right now.” Now I KNOW you all want to keep up with Dr. Shannon. Her signature program is “The Epic Success Academy,” but if you want to just get your toes wet, grab your brain priming audio here: https://drshannonirvine.com/mindyourbusiness. You can also connect with her on Instagram at @drshannonirvine, Facebook at “Dr. Shannon Irvine,” and her Facebook Group “Epic Success Tribe.” Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! Be sure to hear over to our Instagram @therefinedcollective to share your thoughts about this episode on our post! Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

Hi, friends! I am so grateful that you are back for another episode and I am so excited to share this one with you! This week I’m talking to Dr. Therese Mascardo—she is the CEO and founder of Exploring Therapy, where the mission is to build a life you don’t need a vacation from. She gives such clear and practical insight. You will walk away from this episode with more than some great theories; you will walk away with multiple things you can do TODAY to support your mental health. Just like Marie Kondo aims to spark joy by tidying up, you can live a more joyful life by applying those same rules to your mental health. Commit The first step in anything is committing to the process and making the change. “You have to be motivated and willing to commit to therapy for it to work for you.” Visualize You need to be concrete and specific about what you want and what you’d like your life to look like. It helps to physically write it down! “We think about what we don’t want instead of what we do want, which isn’t that helpful.” Visualizing bad outcomes is a shortcut to having anxiety. Though anxiety is like the guard dog of our brain, we can shift our relationship with it. “It’s not just God’s way or my way—it is my way together with God.” Declutter You need to get rid of the things that are weighing you down. “Possessions are things you own and baggage is what owns you.” Baggage can be people, thoughts, items, SO many things. “We need to treat our emotions as valuable consultants in our lives.” To identify your baggage, ask yourself: “How do I feel when I am around this? Is this serving me?  Categorize You need to approach your mental health with a plan. “A therapist is usually a person who can hear your struggles, hear where you want to be, and say ‘here are the steps we are going to take.’” We need to be proactive with our problems and take control instead of being reactive when we feel things falling apart. “Allowing yourself to look down the road and plan ahead is one of the biggest gifts you can give yourself.” Order “Prioritize the tasks you are taking on for your mental health and focus on the things that move the dial the most.” You can’t focus on solving your mommy/daddy issues if you don’t have a roof over your head. You need to prioritize what you put your energy into. “Work on your relationship with yourself first.” Joy Consult with your feelings and discover what sparks joy. “Ask yourself if it sparks joy, not other people, not Instagram, not your friends.” Seeking input from others is valuable, but we have taken it too far. I mean how good is all of her insight? You can keep up with her on Instagram at @exploring.therapy and her website www.ExploringTherapy.com. If you know anything about my style, it’s this: simple and minimal. I love feeling feminine and pulled together but hate when it takes a lot of time and drama to get ready! For jewelry, I love minimalistic pieces from Ana Luisa! I love the quality of their pieces, the reasonable prices, and they are socially conscious—they use 100% recycled gold. If you want to buy some pieces from Ana Luisa (AND get $10 off your order), go to www.AnaLuisa.com/therefinedcollective.

Kristina is the founder of the DTR Blog-- @thedtrblog on Instagram. She started it when she was going through her own dating struggles and it slowly grew over time and is now a massive community. You’ve probably seen her wit and wisdom all over the internet. This episode, we chat about why she started The DTR Blog and how her own dating journey has evolved over the years. Dating In Your 20s Kristina was raised as a Christian and rebelled a bit in college. After college, she lived in England and met a guy. Within three months, they were talking about engagement. They prayed about whether they should be married and ultimately, he broke up with her. This breakup, paired with her mother passing away, led her to several panic attacks every day and she spiraled into drinking and workaholic mode. Then, at 28, she moved in with her dad and quit her job. While beginning her healing journey, she began the DTR Blog as a way for comedy to heal her and enter her church life. Because of her memes, she got a book deal and now she is living happily in Los Angeles.  Dating in your 20s involves a lot of the internet and some girls in their 20s just don’t realize that the behavior they see from men online is unacceptable. Sure, a guy can slide into your DMs, but the way he does it is very important. She noticed when the DTR Blog grew that more men were reaching out on DMs and as a result she has had more set-ups. However, she also gets creepy stalkers reaching out to her on DM. Dating In Your 30s Kristina has matured in the way she approaches dating and healing. “I want to get married, but if that doesn’t happen that’s okay.” She offers some great advice on how to be normal in dating: Know what you believe about God + yourself “You can’t be successful in dating if you don’t know who you are or what you believe” You don’t have to pray about going on a first date…unless he’s a super creeper! Keep it light + fun It’s important to have people to support you in the journey because it can be hard + weird dating these days! Community Keep up with Kristina on Instagram at @thedtrblog, where she will update you on her book that is coming out! You can also learn more about her at her website, TheDTRBlog.com. If there’s anyone who understands how frustrating dating as a Christian woman in today’s culture is, it’s me. So, first things first, I just want to say I see you.  And as real as all of these feelings are, it’s time to SHIFT our mindset ladies. The Activate Your Dating Life Program is an implementation program that not only shows you exactly how to actively step into dating with vision, clarity, confidence, and freedom.  But also, how to put yourself out there and actually meet quality single, godly men, while being surrounded by a community of powerful women cheering you on! Here’s all the information you need. 

  This is the first time ever I have had two guests at the same time! This week, I’m talking with Mac and Kenz of Delight Ministries. Together, they co-founded Delight Ministries for college women. It has chapters at about 150 different college campuses! They meet weekly to create space for women to come and feel known and loved and build each other up. They also host a podcast, which you can listen to here. This episode, they give practical tools for how you can unpack your calling and purpose. Unpacking your Calling + Purpose Solidify your identity You have to know who you are! If you hang your identity on something like ‘good at playing guitar,’ you’re setting yourself up for an identity crisis when you realize how many other people are also good at playing guitar. “I could become president tomorrow and my identity would not change.” This goes for jobs as well as relationships—never place your identity in either! A good indicator that your identity is misplaced is when you feel like you are constantly striving and struggling to prove yourself. Healing from your past We take baggage into new seasons of our lives—both the good and the bad. For the bad, you have to unpack that so that it doesn’t become dead weight, drag you down, and negatively affect your future. Your past traumas have the potential to bring light to your future. “Let God search you and search yourself to be able to move forward.” A tangible way of doing this is to stop blaming and start taking ownership of circumstances. Grow spiritually mature “Stepping into our calling meant that our life was probably going to look different to the people around us.” They believe in active waiting—you can be productive while you’re waiting. You have to be constantly taking steps toward your calling. Seeking God, community, and self-awareness are all active. Stop comparing Identify what comparison is stealing your joy and bring it to light. “Comparison is turning up the volume of the enemy’s voice in our lives.” The antidote to comparison is celebrating others who you would otherwise be jealous of. Don’t become so focused on comparison that you find yourself in someone else’s calling instead of your own. “What’s right and perfect for her is not going to be what’s right and perfect for me.” “When I celebrate her gifts, it gives me freedom to really step into my unique gifts.” Step into your passions “So many of us are half-heartedly following these whole-hearted dreams.” Heads up, ladies… guys are really into when women are wholeheartedly following their dreams. “Your relationship should feel like a gift, not an achievement.” Follow the things that light you up and make you feel whole. So many people are too afraid to step into their passions because of the fear of failure. Piece of advice: Grab a friend who has the same passion and step into it together! Keep up with these amazing ladies on their website at DelightMinistries.com. Get in touch with them if you want to start a chapter of Delight Ministries on your college campus! You can buy their book “How to Prepare for Your Future Love Story” here! P.S. I've taken your top questions + doubts + insecurities + made them into a FREE ONLINE WORKSHOP NEXT WEEK:  The 3 Biggest Breakthroughs that Will Transform Your Dating Life:  Equipping You to Navigate Christian dating in a swipe-right, swipe left culture with intention, hope, and clarity. So FRIEND....SIGN YOURSELF UP FOR A SPOT. Click here!

This is the FINAL episode of the Dudes Series, y’all! This is actually the first episode I recorded for the series and the one where I ask the top 15 questions you’re dying to ask the men in your life. This episode, I’m talking with Matt Dooley—you may recognize his last name because he is married to my good friend Jordan Lee Dooley, who just released her book Own Your Everyday. He is humble, unafraid of his wife’s strength, and a man of integrity. In this conversation, we tackle A LOT to get ready to take notes. Do guys know when a girl has a crush on them? No—you’ve got to spell it out for them. “We don’t have the same emotional intelligence as women.” Do guys develop attraction over time or does it have to be there from the get-go? He knows this won’t be the case for everybody, but he knew the moment he met Jordan that she was the one. “You want the person to love you for who you are—don’t change yourself so a person will like you.” Which do you value more—respect or love? He mentions a book called Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. The book outlines that while men and women need both love and respect, women need love most and men need respect most. How do I know if he likes me? He will prioritize you if he likes you. “When you’re in a relationship with someone, you have to sacrifice for them.” Is it true that if he is interested he will do whatever it takes to make it happen? He’ll definitely pursue, but The Notebook isn’t real life. Don’t be afraid to take a leap and start a conversation about it if he is not being clear. Do you think guys and girls can be just friends? No—biologically we were not wired for that. “When the romance isn’t there, the friendship isn’t there.” How can I let him know I am interested in being more than just friends? The same way he will show you—give him your time. “To love at all is to be vulnerable.” – C.S. Lewis Would you recommend dating someone who doesn’t share your worldview or faith? Shared faith is the rock-solid foundation of a successful relationship. “When you have arguments and disagreements, you have this to fall back on.” Are men intimidated by women with a successful career? Men can be competitive by nature—but he should be focused on supporting his wife more than feeling insecure. “Is she going to give me the time and attention that I need?” What is something women do that feels emasculating? He likes to pay for dinner on a date. Basically, let a man be chivalrous and honor you. “If you don’t let a man put you first, he’s not going to put you first.” How can a woman honor and respect the man in her life? “Acknowledge his successes and encourage him.” This is more effective than yelling at him when he makes mistakes. What do you think men are looking for in a relationship? They need someone to push them and call them on their crap. “You want someone to call you out because you’re refining each other.” Why do you think a lot of guys don’t date within their own community (like church)? Fear of awkwardness at church every week if it doesn’t work out. Some of them may do this because they don’t want the accountability. What do you think is a guy’s biggest fear in a relationship? Infidelity, especially if that is something he has been hurt by in the past. Where are all of the single Godly men? “Not every guy is going to look like Brad Pitt, have a six pack and love Jesus.” Give a chance to the guy who is pursuing you. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search “The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love! Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey. XO,  Kat Harris

Hey, friends! The Dudes Series is back this week with Jeff Johnson, a worship pastor at Passion City Church in Atlanta. This episode is all about how to create a culture of honor in dating. Jeff shares his love story (he and his wife, Jourdan, dated off and on for 10 years), which is a beautiful reminder that love can look different for everyone. He also talks about the biggest fears guys have (spoiler alert: they have just as many as we do), pornography, and what to do when/if the guy you’re with shares that he struggles in this area. Does attraction have to be there from the start? Personally, he was physically attracted to Jourdan since the first time he saw her. “Over the years, there are certain characteristics of hers that make me more attracted to her.” Attraction is not just physical; attraction goes deeper than that. “Her character speaks louder than her beauty.” How can a break be used for growth? They broke up after being together for 8 years. Jeff thought he just needed time to work on himself, but Jourdan moved on and started dating a new guy. “Every struggle I’m trying to work through needs to be about God… not for Jourdan.” Jeff put in the work, invited his community in to the struggle, and sought counseling. They got back together two years later when he was clear with his intentions with her. They were married within six months. Which do you value more, respect or love? “Guys want to feel respected and like they carry weight in the relationship.” He acknowledges that men are wounded—some guys out there did not have the male leaders guiding them to step into their roles as a man. “Extend grace to the guy that you’re walking with because they are broken.” Sometimes we need to just remember that we are all broken and it is not productive to expect perfection from the other person. What are the biggest fears guys have in relationships? If they open up about something, they want to know they will be accepted and understood. They want to feel safe. Being with someone 24/7, everything comes out into the open. “When you get married, there is nothing off the table.” “I know your story and it’s covered by grace, just like my story is covered by grace.” How do you discuss porn when he shares it is something he struggles with? It’s hard for women to hear these struggles because they often fall into the trap of thinking they are not enough, which is not the case. Think about if you see friends in his life bringing him closer to Christ and challenging him on this issue. “That’s a really good indication of what her life might look like with this person... if he’s willing to fight through the hard things or if he’s not.”  Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search “The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love! Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey. XO, Kat Harris

  This week, the Dudes Series continues with Tim Timberlake! He is the pastor of Christian Faith Center in North Carolina. He has been married to wife Jen for five years and together they are the parents of a two-year-old named Maxwell Ace Timberlake. He calls himself a Christian first, a husband second, a father third, and then he’s a pastor. How do you grow together in marriage? Tim shares his experience as a divorced man who went on to find the love of his life. “You can absolutely be married to God’s perfect choice, but if both people aren’t pursuing God, then that quickly changes.” Communication can help us to grow together, because change is inevitable. “Every want that I have is leading me towards my flesh.” We have to lean into the promise from God that we will be with the person we are meant to be with. “We don’t get let down by what happens to us, we get let down by what we expected not to happen to us.”  3 things to put on your list: Do you guys make those lists of perfect qualities you’d like in your partner? “My list at 20 is completely different than my list at 30.” Make sure that your list focuses on common ground—things that can bring you closer as a couple. Make sure he pursues Jesus, and physical attraction is important too! How can we practice sacrifice as single women? Love is a choice and there is no other relationship that sets us up for the sacrifices and commitment through the tough times when we are in seasons of singleness. “The way that I treated my time with God was the exact same way I treated the people around me who needed my sacrifice.” He notes that whenever he finds himself being short with the people he loves, he can pinpoint it to not spending enough time with God. “I want this person to win more than I want to win in this relationship.” Lightning round: Can guys tell when a woman likes her? ABSOLUTELY! But misreads do happen. Does attraction have to be there from the start? Attraction will constantly evolve. Which do you value more—respect or love? Respect and honor go hand in hand. Honor is impossible without love. There has to be action behind it. How do I know if he likes me? If he makes sacrifices for you, he’s serious about you. There’s a distinction to be made between want (convenience) and like. You can keep up with Tim at TimTimberlake.tv or on Instagram at @ttimberlake and Twitter @timtimberlake. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search “The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love! Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

Welcome to another episode in the Dudes Series! (If you missed the first two episodes, you can listen to them here and here!) This episode, I’m continuing the conversation with Ben Stuart, the pastor of Passion City Church DC. Before that, he ran a college ministry and a singles ministry. Basically, he has worked with a lot of young single Christians. DC is one of the loneliest cities in America and people are longing for connection, so he has found a lot of people come to his church looking for that connection. This episode, we do a deep dive into some of your biggest questions about dating. Where are all of the single Godly men? There are two levels to this question: physically where are they… and why are they not pursing me? He notes the social implications of technology has changed the dating scene. People are losing the personal connection and ability to socialize in person. Only 12% of single women were asked out in the last year. “I know great men that are running in the world, and if you get running in a healthy direction, you’re going to see them out there.” There can be a blame shift that happens when we lament that there are no guys out there. “Empathize with your brothers that they are struggling too.” Around 10% of women ask men out every year—they want to be pursued! How can you have a healthy dynamic in a male/female friendship? Friendship is possible, but it’s important to ask yourself and the other person what friendship really means. “If you say, ‘I want to be friends,’ but any other person’s presence makes you feel threatened… you don’t want to be friends. You want possession.” Long term, is it worth spending all of your energy on male friendships? When you get married, would you husband be comfortable with them around? Are we too busy getting all of our micro-needs met by several guy friends to have our needs met by one romantic partner? “Decoupling commitment and sex damaged both. We lost both.” Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search “The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love! Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey. XO, Kat

Next up in the Dude’s Podcast Series is: Jarod Nickerson. If you missed the last episode, be sure + check out my interview with Jamal Miller:  The #1 Reason He Isn’t Asking You Out (pssst…it’s not what you think).   Let’s jump in! Jarod was full of insight, and mic drop moments as we navigated through your top questions on men, singleness, and relationships:   Do guys know when a girl has a crush on them? Every guy is different, but Jarod mentions that it is possible to be unaware when a girl has a crush.    Do guys develop attraction over time or does it have to be there from the get-go? A lot of the time, attraction will be there from the start, but it’s possible for the attraction to develop as they get to know a girl. “If someone puts you in the friendzone, don’t try to get out of it—move on.”   Which do you value more: respect or love? Love and respect go hand in hand—it’s pretty impossible to not respect someone you love.   How do I know if he likes me? There are a lot of things to consider: Are they aware of themselves? Are they playing it cool because they’re worried about it going wrong?   Is it true that if he’s interested, he’ll pursue/do whatever it takes to make it happen?  A guy will pursue and do whatever it takes to make it happen until it’s clear she does not want to pursue anything.    Do you think guys + girls can be just friends?   Jarod believes it is possible but knows there can be confusion for some friendships. It all comes down to being transparent and honest.     How can I let him know I’m interested in more than just friends w/o being too aggressive/forward? Confidence is sexy and honesty is important. Let it out, but don’t hang on it. “If someone can’t handle you being real and honest with them, then they’re probably not someone who is always going to be calling you up and out for the rest of your life.”   Would you date a woman that doesn’t share your worldview/faith?   Jarod says no, in short. He is Christian and would need someone who shares his worldview.   Are you intimidated by a woman w a successful career? He wants the answer to be no, but the honest answer is “probably.” The time when it can feel most intimidating is at the start of a relationship, but he would definitely still ask her out.   10.What’s something that women do that feels emasculating? Distrust and not supporting his future would be devastating. “Everything magical lies outside of your comfort zone.”   11.What’s something a woman can do to honor you/makes you feel like a man? Belief—everyone loves to have someone believe in them. Luke Stafford— @itslukestafford (he’s single, ladies!) is a friend who calls him out and he is grateful for it.   12.What are you looking for in a relationship/partner? “I’m looking for someone who is going to challenge me, push me, and believe in me. I don’t want just a cheerleader.”   13.Why do you think a lot of guys don’t want to date within their own community i.e. church? He notes the challenges that arise when there is close proximity in this way. If it doesn’t work out—a guy doesn’t want that ‘Scarlett letter.’ Don’t let fear be motivating any of your decisions in relationships.   14.Where are all the single godly men—do you think there are more single than women, or does it just seem like that? “Put your eyes on what has been set before and it will be one of those moments of synchronicity.” The question is rooted in fear. “Ask the Lord to quiet your mind and ask Him to speak.”   Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search “The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!   Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtipsto check it out! With you on the journey.  

I’m so excited to launch this Podcast Series.  For several months now, I’ve been working behind-the-scenes with incredible, godly men all over the United States.  I slid into DMs to BEG…I mean ask legit men to be on my podcast.  All for you ladies…that’s how much I care about y’all!  Why did I do that?  Because, I’ve been compiling the top questions you send me about men and dating for over a year now.  Everything from:  where are all the single men to does he know if I have a crush on him…and everything in-between.   I figured I could answer them.  But heck…why not go straight to the source, and ask the men!  So that’s what I did.  For the next month, I will be rolling out a series of interviews that I hosted with some of the most solid married and single godly men in the US.  So, get your notepads out ladies.  We’re having some #REALTALK.   First up, mogul, entrepreneur, and pastor: Jamal Miller.  Jamal is husband to Natasha, father of two daughters, CEO of @millermediagroup, founder of @marriedandyoung, and online campus pastor at All Nations Chicago. Today, he’s answering some of your top questions about dating. We talk about how he’s an advocate for sliding into those DMs, can guys and girls really be friends, and the number one reason that guy is not asking you out.   From DMs to Real Life Jamal wanted a really special love story, but the way it happened for them was through Facebook. He saw her and slid into her DMs after he saw she loved God. After getting clear on his intentions and discussing the situation with his pastor, he messaged her asking to take it to the next step—a phone call. After this went well, they met in person and eventually met each other’s families and were engaged after six months.   Divorce the Person in Your Head When you’re single, you have this image in your head of the person you’re ‘supposed to’ be with. When you’re in a relationship, you have to get rid of that image. We can get stuck in not feeling connection with those who feel familiar. “Your feelings don’t know your future.”   Friend Zone v Danger Zone Men and women can be friends, but they can’t be best friends. Once you become best friends, that can become the danger zone. Get clear on the potential in the future of the relationship. “Friendship is a breeding ground for marriage.” Everyone fears rejection, so they feel things out before they communicate their intentions—but it’s important to get clear on intentions early on. “If you’re going to be a bad friend, you’re going to be a bad spouse.”   Give Him a Nudge Guys can be insecure and not all of them are comfortable pursuing. Help each other—don’t be afraid to nudge a guy and let him know you are interested in being pursued. Don’t let a timid guy be a deal breaker. Be willing to create the space to allow him to pursue. We’re all afraid of rejection—starting these conversations online can help. Pray for mentors in the lives of men to lift them up—those are future husbands.    How to Be Part of the Solution Take responsibility as a woman and fight for the men in your life. Instead of complaining and lamenting—pray for him.   Keep up with Jamal on Instagram at @jamalmiller and his wife, Natasha, at @natashaannmiller.    Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search “The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!   Hey, single ladies— Has Christian Dating felt like a #STRUGGLEFEST?  Girl...I get it.  But it doesn't have to be. This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out! With you on the journey.

We all want the same thing:  to feel loved, known, seen, accepted.  Even so, we've somehow become the greatest of pretenders believing we're only worthy of those things if we're PERFECT, have it altogether, fit within the mold. We walk around with this "I'M FINE," mentality.  Everybody is 'fine' with their shiny masks covering their pain. When did we become so good at hiding? When did we become so good at pretending? Why do we think we're only worthy of love when and if we're perfect? Why do we hide our pain and brokenness when it's one of the most common of human experiences? We build walls to protect ourselves only to end up in more pain than before as the isolation traps the broken pieces of our lives. And it's exhausting. There’s something endearing being around small children—they don’t know they’re supposed to hide their pain…they cry—they want you to kiss it better—and then they run off and play again. But at some point we learn to hide…and we become really good at it. We get kicked and shoved around by life—we get the snot kicked out of us a few times… so we build walls to protect ourselves.  We hide our pain—because pain means weakness—we don’t know who is safe + who isn’t to truly let our guards down with EVERYONE IS WALKING AROUND LIKE THEY’RE FINE + on the inside:  crippled with fear, battling depression, eating disorders, pornography addictions, self-hatred,  And it’s exhausting and lonely…   What if we chose to remove the masks and invite others into our pain? There's something distinct that happens to us and in us when we experience heartache.  When life hits us like a ton of bricks and everything falls to pieces. Somehow it's in those grey areas of our lives that we find unexpected beauty, comfort, rest--it's counter intuitive and it doesn't make sense. What if the existence of brokenness meant that our story isn't over yet? What if we believed pain doesn't have the last word? What if we removed our masks and invited love, hope, community into those painful areas of our lives? I think we'd be shocked at the redemption we'd discovered. Because something transformative happens in the breaking, and it's in the rebuilding that we experience inexplicable beauty. With you on the journey, Kat Harris  Brokenness means the story uint over

Is your dream too big for you? It better be, because that will force you to pray circles around it.  If you keep circling it in prayer, God will get bigger and bigger until you see your impossible prayer for what is really is: an easy answer for an almighty God. -Mark Batterson Last week in worship, I just sat down and started thanking God like I had never done so before for all the impossible things in my life. I praised Him like the breakthroughs had already come. I thanked God for my husband, our Godly marriage, my financial breakthrough, and restoration in my family. If there was any person that needed a miracle; it was this woman… Hannah in Samuel 1 was a woman who married to a man named Elkanah. At this time, a woman’s purpose was marriage and motherhood, particularly motherhood to boys. She felt such shame for not being successful in having kids. She was so depressed she would not eat. Elkanah was determined to fix her and reminded her that his love can be enough. When Hannah went to the temple for the annual sacrifice, she was distressed and wept with her face on the floor. She was crying out for her breakthrough. The priest, Eli, comes to her and says she is crazy and drunk. She stands up for herself, stands up for her faith, and stands up for her breakthrough. God softens Eli’s heart and he blesses peace over her. Her prayer isn’t answered, but her depression lifts in these moments. God answered her prayer, but it didn’t happen overnight. It came in due time. She had a son and named him Samuel. The biggest miracle was one child—Hannah ended her life with six. Because God is ABLE Daniel 3:17-18—If this be so our God whom we serve is Abel to deliver us from the burning fiery furance, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king.  But if not, be it known to you, O King, that we will not serve your gods or worship that golden image that you have set up It reorients my affections on who God is Isaiah 43:19—I make streams in the desert. When there is no way, God makes a way. God is bigger than my circumstances—statistics are nothing for Him. Nothing is impossible to Him. It keeps me dependent on him We live in a culture that says I am the captain of my own ship.  And yes, I believe we have way more power and authority that so many people of faith think they have access to.  But I also believe that I need someone bigger than me, to come into my life and circumstances to restore. It allows me to stay connected to hope + gratitude Romans 5:5 says hope does not put us to shame. What if we hoped and prayed and believed for miracles, breakthroughs, and the impossible like we had NO SHAME!? Trusting that even if/when God doesn’t answer our prayer how we want him to—that He works all things together for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28) and that even what the enemy meant for evil, God is going to use for good (Genesis 50:20). God gets the credit + glory  My biggest dreams are small to God—He breathed life into creation. Ephesians 3:20 says now to Him who is able to do abundantly more than we could ask or imagine, according to his power at work within us, to him be the glory. What is that thing that feels too risky to hope for because you’ve been disappointed in the past? Do you have the audacity to praise before the breakthrough? Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search “The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love! Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.   XO, Kat  

I wish we would have this conversation sitting on the couch looking eye to eye because today I’m talking about something really vulnerable that I have rarely discussed publicly. When we are neck deep in a struggle, we want the get healed quick miracle process… but healing doesn’t work that way and this episode is not that quick fix. I’m here to share my experience with having an eating disorder and show you that freedom is possible and there are tools to reach freedom. I have received so many DMs from people all over the world asking for me to talk about this. I believe freedom is possible for you. I believe God has more freedom than you could possibly imagine. But there is no quick fix to freedom. It takes work, discipline, courage, honesty, and the willingness to fail and fall over and over and over again. However, if we are brave enough—we will use those fumbles as our greatest teachers. “This is especially true of people who rumble with failure. These are people who choose courage over comfort, accountability over blame, and are able to embed key learnings from failures into their lives.” — Brene Brown All throughout high school, I was an athlete and I was so focused on training to be a D1 athlete that I didn’t stop to worry about body image. However, once I got to college as a D1 tennis player, I noticed the body dysmorphia in my fellow athletes with whom I spent all of my time. I didn’t get it—but slowly their disfunction rubbed off on me. Almost overnight, food was my main thought. Our coach had us do weigh ins every week and keep daily food journals. One day after practice, my friends and I ate a lot of food. One girl suggested we go throw up our food, so we went behind the dumpsters outside our dorm and she taught us how to throw up our food. I continued to do this for once or twice a week and I felt guilty about it and honestly I was bad at it. I stopped throwing up my food, but I would binge eat and count calories to make sure I could burn off all of them afterwards. As a collegiate athlete, I was already working out 6 hours a day, but I would work out even more on top of that. Fast forward, I ultimately quit tennis for a lot of reasons. I thought the eating disorder would just dissolve because of this, but my relationship with food remained the same. It was then that I realized I had a problem and I did not want to wait to reach my rock bottom before I sought help. Admit You Have a Problem The cliché is true—the first step is admitting you have a problem. I remember my “aha!” moment clearly, but it didn’t change my relationship with food. Pause—Identify Your Triggers in the Moment I had to pause to take note of what would come up for me every time I would binge. Why did I do that? What led to this? A friend introduced me to “HALT” – was I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? Where in your life are you feeling a loss of control? What are you not wanting to feel? Often we inflict pain on ourselves because it’s easier to pinpoint—I feel pain because I ripped that hang nail off + now I’m bleeding as opposed to digging into the dark, murky, cold, waters of my past.  Refuse to Demonize Food Do you ever shame your body with friends and then all of a sudden you’re all just self-shaming Mean Girls-style? When I moved to Los Angeles, the women I lived with decided that none of us were allowed to body shame or demonize food. Friends, we were built for community. Healing is NOT Linear, But Healing is Possible The healing process is slow, it takes community, and it is not linear. We have to praise the progress instead of focusing on failures and dig into the root of our problems. Never rule out therapy, 12-step programs, or inpatient/outpatient programs. Even if you have to put your life on pause for a year—investing in your well-being is the best thing you can do with your time and money. Today, I have learned to listen to and honor my body when it comes to working out and when it comes to eating. When I reach for a donut, I know that I an eating it because I feel like eating it and not because I want to numb out. “She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom” — The Scarlet Letter Being obsessed with food is not normal.  Not being able to eat without counting calories or mentally noting how much you’ll have to work out later is dysfunctional.  Throwing up your food and starving yourself is bondage.  Pretending like it’s not a problem is insane. There is freedom for you. More than you can possibly imagine. You won’t know how much the weight of this bondage is crushing you until you start stepping towards freedom + I promise you it’s worth the work; it’s worth bringing to light; and it’s worth fighting for…because you are worth it. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search “The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love! Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey. XO, Kat Harris

Have you ever heard of manifesting? It is rooted in science and psychology, but is also mixed with the spiritual. Have you ever tried it? Well, this week’s guest is a manifestation adviser. And if you’re thinking ‘Is it possible to manifest the relationship I want?’ the answer is YES! Lacy Phillips talks with me all about subconscious blocks, manifesting what we want, and growing our self-worth. “Our thoughts don’t create our reality, our subconscious beliefs do.” Lacy talks about the four things deep down inside of her that make up her authentic code of who she is. It’s different for everybody, but hers is: luxury, being seen, self-care, and legacy. Everybody has a unique authentic code and getting clear on what those four things are will help you to manifest more clearly. “Figure out who you are and refine it.” She encourages everyone to really reflect on what they truly want in order to be happy rather than what all of the societal groups they are in tell them they need in order to be happy. “What lights me up?” Lacy recognizes that manifesting isn’t just about getting the end result that we really want.  “When you get ‘the thing,’ you’re not going to be happy. It’s when you peel away the layers to see what lights you up how you can be totally whole and authentically worthy that a) you will get ‘the thing’ and b) you will already be happy. All of that will just be an enhancement.” What blocks you from the relationships you want? Lacy explains that this all comes down to our self-worth. People look to partners to treat as idols, yet many people treat themselves as unworthy. Maybe this is rooted from childhood family dynamics or physical insecurities. These subconscious blocks need to be addressed before you can manifest the relationship you want. How to be 100% in your worth Most people on a conscious level recognize they have self-worth, but if you go down onto a subconscious and hypnotic level, the limiting beliefs come out and contradict that. That block needs to be removed. From there, the limiting beliefs can be addressed. “Whatever you’re looking for starts to show up repeatedly when you grow your worth.” After growing in self-worth, a person will notice that their potential partners will appear as ‘tests’ to them. When you are more in tune with yourself, you’ll notice those red flags in others and will not pursue relationships with those people. Then, you’re leaving space for the right person to enter your life. “We need to get into the place where we never undervalue our wants and needs.” Keep up with Lacy on Instagram at @tobemagnetic and her website tobemagnetic.com. She’ll be launching a retreat soon called @theforestretreat. She also has a podcast that releases a new episode each Friday called Expanded with Lacy Phillips.  Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search “The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love! Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

You guys—I slid into Cavanaugh James’s DMs and now he’s on the podcast—the power of Instagram!! You probably know him from his incredible Instagram videos. In one video he made up a song about the real reason he goes to parties and I have never felt so seen. (I may or may not have gotten him to sing it on the podcast!!). He also recently released his book, “Higher Power Has A Name.” We got to chat about faith, loving others well, and confronting hard truth in a “my truth” culture with grace, humility, and a little sass. Finding His Platform He discusses where those IG videos began. “I started doing them just out of boredom and irritation for bad Christian comedy.” He talks about how it took him a while to feel comfortable in his skin. Now, he’s not afraid to laugh at his own jokes. He moved to LA in 2015 to join the Groundlings improv program. He noticed that scenes would quickly turn dirty or perverse. He wanted to be funny without falling into that. “I had a bone to pick with darkness.” He wanted his comedy to be uplifting rather than divisive. Holding Faith Cavanaugh talks about living his life fully with others who don’t share his faith. His faith is born out of relationships and friendships. He reflects on being lonely until he went to college and started meeting new people. “I don’t change in whatever environment I’m in.” “I’m not about trying to change people’s minds—I’m trying to love.” He doesn’t tone down his beliefs and he doesn’t expect others to either. “We’re called to actually walk in hand with other people.”  Loving Others “We’re supposed to be loving people and letting the Lord do the rest.” He talks about loving others without an agenda. “A big chunk of why there is such a divide between mainstream culture and the church is the agenda of the church.” He challenges others to think about the golden rule—how would we feel if we were in a certain situation. “How would I receive it? What is the way I could hear this that I would know that I am loved?” We discuss enneagrams, of course, and talk about the price we pay for wanting to be right all the time. “There is no reason- not one- for someone to walk through this life feeling alone.”  Keep up with Cavanaugh on Instagram at @cavanaughjames and his website CavanaughJames.com. (P.S. You should buy his book!) Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search “The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love! Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey. XO, Kat Harris

This week, Audrey Roloff is on the podcast! She just released a book with her husband, Jeremy Roloff, called “A Love Letter Life:  Pursue Creatively, Date Intentionally, Love Faithfully” and it is number two on Amazon! (Buy it here!!) But it didn’t happen overnight. Writing their book was a two-year process. Co-Authoring With A Spouse Audrey is an Enneagram 8 (Challenger) & Jeremy is an Enneagram 9 (Peacemaker). “No two numbers are compatible because no to two humans are compatible—we complement each other and we refine each other, but we are not compatible.” While Audrey had a tendency to think everything was urgent, Jeremy kept them grounded and reminded her that not everything was the end of the world. “We have learned to recognize our differences as gifts that we get to bring to each other” The Way They Met The two were set up on a blind date by friends. They thought their friends were crazy because they were fresh out of relationships. But their friends were adamant. They were fascinated by each other as human beings, but “It was not this sparks flying kind of a night.” They remained friends for two whole years. Then, 10 days before Jeremy left for film and photography school, they decided to start dating. Jeremy had a very public life on the TLC show “Little People, Big World.” But since their relationship had to be long distance for so long, they were able to keep it out of the public eye. Their book is the story that was never shared during that time. One month after graduation, they got married. The Patient Pursuit They were in seasons of personal growth when they met—and they were young! Audrey was not looking for a boyfriend, but Jeremy realized a week after they met that they wanted more. They refer to the next two years as the “patient pursuit.” Jeremy wasn’t aggressive about it, but he remained in her life as a friend. They wanted time to get to know each other and become friends without the added confusion of physical intimacy. As a result, their relationship was built on patience, beauty, effort, and intention. “Stop settling for convenient relationships—relationships aren’t convenient.” Audrey recognizes that relationships are about breaking down the walls around you and learning to build new ones around your relationship. Lessons Learned Through their long distance relationship, they realized the importance of overcommunicating and being creative in how they loved each other. Audrey believes navigating this time is what set them up for marriage. They don’t claim to be marriage experts. “We wanted to write this book while being in the same season as the person we are writing to.” Social media is limited, and they wanted to share more than just their highlight reel. Advice For The Woman Who Thinks There Are No Guys Out There: “If you believe the lie that ‘there are no guys out there for me,’ then you’re going to live that lie.” Reach out to friends who know you, love you and trust you—ask them to set you up! “You can’t help who you fall in love with, but you can help who you spend time with.” How To Date Intentionally Pursue friendship—be a good friend to the person you are dating. Ask hard questions—it’s easy to get lost in a cloud of feelings. Do you know about their upbringing? The way they handle conflict? “Momentary honesty might sting, but long-term lies are infectious.” She recognizes that getting everything out in the open is key. “Illuminate our past in order to imagine for our future.” Live our lives more—look up from our phones and be present with everyone. “You may have met your husband, but you were on the phone.” Keep up with Audrey on Instagram at @audreyroloff, her and Jeremy’s website TheRoloffs.com, and their podcast Behind the Scenes. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search “The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love! Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.   XO, Kat  

Another week, another episode recorded from my Brooklyn closet. This week, I wanted to talk with you about self-care.  I used to think self-care meant spending a ton of money on massages, weekend getaways, and manicures…But some of the most beneficial self-care rhythms I’ve implemented in my life over the last few years have been completely free. Sleep Studies have shown that sleep deprivation can be linked to weight gain, high blood pressure, comprised immune system, memory loss, and type 2 diabetes.  Now I am committed to sleeping at least seven hours a night. And I’ve noticed I have more consistent energy and focus throughout the day, and am less foggy headed. Be mindful of alcohol + caffeine consumption Even though alcohol is a depressant, it spikes our heart rates and can cause poor sleep. To fix this, we often turn to caffeine which jolts our system again. im not going to sit here + tell you to stop drinking both cold turkey—but I’d say pause + think about your relationship with both alcohol + coffee. Quiet Time I was in a bad habit of checking email and social media before I got out of bed. This started my day off with stress and anxiety. Now, I allow an hour for this each morning, and I soak up every moment. If you’re new to this, try sitting quietly in a comfortable place for 15 minutes before your day gets started. Meal Prep Before, I’d find myself running from one thing to the next. I’d blink and realize it was 3:00 p.m. and that I hadn’t eaten since breakfast. I’m no chef — I make things simple and easy. But having meals ready that I can grab and take with me helps prevent me from headaches, making less healthy choices, and maybe the worst symptom of all: being hangry. Rest I had to let go of FOMO and trust that creating space in my life to rest was setting me up for success to be more present throughout the rest of my week. Do you feel exhausted or stuck too? Girl, I get it! I challenge you to practice these four things for the next month. I’m living proof that it’s possible to create new rhythms. It’s all about starting slow with small decisions, being patient, and committing to the process! Have some thoughts on self care? Let’s start a dialogue! (Even if you don’t agree with me!) Share your thoughts on IG and tag us! Did you know that outside of @therefinedwoman Instagram account, we also have an account for the podcast? It’s under @therefinedcollective. So head over to Instagram to see all things podcast related. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search ‘The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love! Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.   XO, Kat 

Warning: this is spoiler alert city for the season finale of The Bachelor. This week, I’m talking about all of the lessons I learned from The Bachelor. If you don’t watch the show, that’s totally fine. This is not a gossip fest or tearing down other women—I am not here to make anyone right or wrong. This is just me talking about common dating mistakes and dating principles.   1. Integrity is KEY. What’s word on the street about the person you're dating?  If there’s a general consensus about this person, maybe bring it up to them so you can clear the air.   2. Timing is EVERYTHING. You can meet the right person, but if it’s the wrong timing or either of you aren’t ready… it won’t work!   3. When a guy is into you, he will move mountains to be with you (or jump an 8-foot fence). Colton was all in with Cassie, and was willing to do whatever it took to prove to Cassie his commitment--even jump an 8-foot fence. 4. LISTEN to what he’s saying. We often hear what we want to hear, as opposed to taking what a person is saying at face value.  If a guy is telling you he’s not ready for a relationship, then he’s not ready for a relationship. 5. Be willing to be honest (‘I don’t know’ is not an answer). Whenever Colton would ask Cassie questions about why she felt not quite ready, her answer was always ‘I don’t know.’ Granted sometimes we actually don’t know, but it usually means we just haven’t done the internal work, or are afraid of admitting to ourselves and the other person for fear of rejection.   6. Every opportunity is an opportunity to grow if we choose it to be. Alabama Hannah (the next bachelorette) was one of this seasons instigators and DRAMA queens.  However, during the tell-all, she owned her behavior, acknowledged how disappointed she was with herself, made amends publicly and privately with some of the girls.  Instead of being defensive, she owned up to her faults, and used it as an opportunity to grow.   7. Rejection is protection. All the girls want to know when they get sent home is ‘why am I not enough?’ and ‘what could I have done differently?’ And it makes me so sad, because it has nothing to do with them! Rejection isn’t a personal attack on you, sometimes you’re just not their person.  Their no, is for your greater good.   8. Know what you want. Knowing what I want in the future helps me walk out the president with clarity, intention, and integrity. It’s okay to change your mind—you don’t owe the guy anything. But if someone walks onto this show unsure if they are ready for or even want marriage, then they are probably shouldn't be on the show.   9. Hannah G. On the women tell all, she said ‘I deserve a man who is willing to jump the fence with me.’ Which is what Colton did when Cassie was breaking up with him. She saw this and really realized that he just wasn’t as into her.  We are all worth a guy going to great lengths to fight for us.     10. Stay classy. Ladies, let’s just stay classy. I learned this from Queen Tayshia. At every turn, she chose to take the high road, even when Colton was breaking up with her. She could have been defensive and angry, but she realized that it was about his heart being somewhere else. Yeah, I love to have the last word, but that does not serve me or the other person.   Have some thoughts on The Bachelor? Let’s start a dialogue! (Even if you don’t agree with me!) Share your thoughts on IG and tag us! Did you know that outside of @therefinedwoman Instagram account, we also have an account for the podcast? It’s under @therefinedcollective. So head over to Instagram to see all things podcast related.   Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search ‘The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!   Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

  This week I’m chatting with Kait Warman of Heart of Dating—our first repeat guest!! She’s based in LA so we are long-distance gal pals encouraging each other on our journey of singleness. Today, we’re diving into online dating. Kait sets you up with her top online dating tips (and even shares her favorite app). Make sure you tune into her podcast this week to hear me share my tips for online dating! We may or may not break out into song… Why online dating? Some people think online dating isn’t Godly dating, but God works in all ways. We have to be active in dating. She references a book called “How To Get A Date Worth Keeping” by Henry Cloud, saying “Unless we expect to marry the Amazon delivery guy, God is not dropping a guy on our doorstep.” Worried about sketchy guys? It’s just like the real world. You’ll find some weirdos, but there are also some really great guys on there. What are the best photos to use? Make sure you’re sharing not just your face, but your personality. Don’t make every photo a mirror selfie, make sure you’re switching things up so that every photo is there for a purpose. At least one photo should be fairly close and very clear so that they know what you actually look like. And throw in a full body photo too! When is it time to take it from online to real life? Find something you have in common through asking questions. For example, Kait knows that an extreme sports guy is not the right one for her. Make sure you share a core value. Kait always like to know the guy loves Jesus before she goes out with him. She puts it clearly on her profile and if they ignore that, she considers it to be a red flag. A good question to ask is “What are your top 3 things to do over the weekend?” That gives him a chance to share his hobbies as well as if he goes to church. Top 3 Online Dating Tips: Be patient and open-minded. If you are in the mindset that online dating is awful, then you are going to have an awful experience. Be specific with your questioning and know what you’re looking for—you don’t want to go in blind! Know when to take a break. If you’ve been on for a while and are feeling run down and rejected, step away from it until you feel ready again. Keep your boundaries clear; the apps will always be there. Kait’s favorite dating app? Hinge! It has changed over the years, and now it lets you answer questions about yourself and set religious specifications. Final dating advice? “See the process of dating as an amazing means to meet different people.” Keep up with Kait at Heart of Dating and @heartofdating. You can connect with her personally on Instagram at @kaitness. Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search ‘The Refined Collective' on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love! Did you know that outside of @therefinedwoman Instagram account, we also have an account for the podcast? It’s under @therefinedcollective. So head over to Instagram to see all things podcast related. P.S. If you want to continue the conversation in a more private setting, join my Private TRW Single Ladies Community! XO, Kat

  Coming at you with another solo episode recorded from my closet! One of the number one questions I get is “How do I put myself out there when I want to be pursued?” And I totally get it. I am the type of person who wants to be pursued. A few years ago, I was dating a guy that I really liked. He asked me out for a date one day and I had a photoshoot I couldn’t reschedule. After a few days, I hadn’t heard from him, so I spiraled. My inner thoughts were ‘I guess we’re done now.’ But then my friend helped me realize… he was always the one initiating every conversation and date. How was he supposed to know that I wanted to go on more dates with him if I don’t communicate with him? Men cannot read our minds, ladies! It feels safe to be pursued. My guarded heart only wanted him to know I liked him if I 100% knew it was going to be reciprocated. I was terrified of getting hurt. Here are some ways you can actively put yourself out there:   Communicate your needs One of my friends came home from an online date so put out about the restaurant her date took her to.  Here’s the thing though:  she didn’t tell him she didn’t want to go there.  He picked it out, ran it by her, and she said nothing.  She didn’t want to be too much.  And shouldn’t he know that’s a crappy restaurant—and if he doesn’t, clearly he has bad taste.  She punished him for not reading her mind.  That’s not fair.  Ladies, you have the permission to communicate your wants and needs.  Let’s reject the lie that we’re not enough and too much all at the same time.  It keeps us small and stuck.  If a guy is so easily spooked by you letting your desires be known, then he is no man for you.  Let’s also stop setting men up for failure by expecting them to be mind readers.  Communicating what you want is not pursuing.  It’s giving you the opportunity to be true to yourself, while also creating an opportunity to let your guy know where you stand.  He then has the option to lean into that or not.  By communicating your needs you’re creating vulnerability, honesty, and an invitation.  And that is way different that a demand.    Be curious Who doesn’t like talking about themselves?  I know I do.  Allow yourself to be curious to get to know the person you’re interested in.  Asking questions and getting to know him is very low stakes.  Then the next time you see him you can ask, “Hey, how’s that thing going”.  It shows you’re listening, and you care about him.  He was on your mind.  It’s also incredibly easy to practice.  I used to be so scared of rejection that doing this felt like I might as well be walking up naked to a guy proposing.  It doesn’t have to be this way. At all.  Plus, who cares if he thinks you like him.  You do, don’t you? Even if the feelings aren’t reciprocated, like my bestie says, “No one has a bad day when they find out someone has a crush on them”.   Create space I talk to so many baffled single women.  After spending a few minutes chatting about their day-to-day lives; it’s no wonder they’re not dating.  Every night of the week is spent either at home watching The Bachelor (hey…I love the Bachelor), having a girls night, or going out with the girls.  Your man is not gonna magically appear on your doorstep friend.  You gotta get out there.  And do you know just how intimidating it is for a man to come up to a group of women out at a bar?  If you do go out with the girls, split up.  Or be each others cheerleaders as you take turns going and saying hello to somebody interesting.  We create space in our lives for the things we value.  Part of putting yourself out there is creating space for interactions with single men.    Tell me, friend. Why aren’t you putting yourself out there? Are you hiding behind a fear of failure? Rejection? Getting out of your comfort zone? For more on how to put yourself out there, check out 5 Ways to Put Yourself Out There and Still Be Pursued. Head over to Instagram to share your answers—be sure to tag @therefinedwoman and @therefinedcollective. If you want to continue the conversation in a more private setting, join my Private TRW Single Ladies Community!   Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search ‘The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!   Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey. XO, Kat  

Hey there, friends! I’m here today with a solo episode of The Refined Collective!. Let me know what you think of solo episodes and be sure to DM @therefinedwoman if you have specific topics you want me to talk about! Yoga is constantly a metaphor for my life. How I show up on my yoga mat is how I show up in all other areas of life. Recently, I was sitting in a yoga class and I have to say I was feeling good about my performance that day. The beautiful thing about yoga is that in any given class there are students who are trying yoga for the first time and students who have practiced yoga every day of their lives. There are advanced versions and beginner versions of every pose. We got to a particular posture and I found my limit for the posture. But then I heard my yoga instructor’s voice right in my ear: “C’mon. Let’s go. Go further.” I shook my head no. He doesn’t know my body’s limits—I do. But he insisted. I trusted myself and pushed further. I thought, “Wow, I’m stronger than I thought.” As he walked away he said, “Why are you holding yourself back?” By the end of class, he had encouraged me to push my limits two more times. And he was right every single time. “Why are you playing so small? You’re stronger than you think.” Nobody in that class was telling me where to stop in a pose—I wasn’t being limited by anyone but myself. This leader had the audacity to point out that I was playing small. You need people in your life to drag you out of your comfort zone, even if it makes you angry in the moment. “No one is telling me no but myself.” If you’re going to make progress in areas of your life, you have to ask yourself ‘Why am I holding myself back?’ A few years ago, I took on the challenge of memorizing a long poem and performing it at a large event in New York City. I had memorized this poem so well, I knew it like the back of my hand. The night of the event, I get halfway through the spoken word and freeze. I could feel my palms start to sweat. I started from the beginning… and it happened a second time. I stood there deciding if I should just run out of the building and never look back. Finally, one of the lines came back to me and I just picked up from that line and finished the spoken word. After I finished, I felt so embarrassed. I thought I would never be invited anywhere as a speaker every again. I wanted to rush out, but I was the host of the event. Over the course of the night, people came up to me and said how much they loved the spoken word. I expressed to every single one of those people that I messed up. My best friend had to take me aside and remind me that nobody noticed I made a mistake, and if they did—they didn’t care. Fear has as much power as we choose to give it. After I moved through this experience, I decided I would book two speaking events where I would perform this spoken word. Fear doesn’t have the final say. It’s possible to acknowledge the fear we have and our past while not letting it be in the driver’s seat of our lives. You are called to a purpose. But you have to say goodbye to the fear. You can go further than you think. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search ‘The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love! Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.   XO, Kat

Jessica Shakir is a motivational speaker, celebrity hair and makeup artist, and beauty expert. Her passion is to help you use your voice to unveil truth and beauty. She is a dear friend of mine and we recently got to get together at my apartment to have some fun photoshoots and sit down and chat for the podcast. We talk about waiting for marriage, waiting for love, and praying to God. Praying for Others Jessica and I are both prayer warriors, praying for others, praying for celebrities. She reflects on her experience working with Eminem, who was thoughtful and engaging the entire time they worked together. “Lord, anoint the works of my hands. Help me to be a light, help me to reflect your love, even without having to say anything about the Bible or Jesus.” As she was praying this before walking into her job, she remembered that she had been praying for Eminem for five years before the job. Her friend had asked her to. “I wasn’t in the habit of praying for people I didn’t know.” She began to pray for him every time she heard his music, praying that God would send the right people into his life to point him to Heaven. “God used me to answer my own prayer.” She remembers at the end of the job telling him “God bless you.” He was taken aback. He thanked her sincerely and said, “God bless you, too.” Prayer + Love She reflects on her wedding day and her vows to her husband, “It was an honor to wait for you, Vincent.” “In that moment, I thought, “Dang, I wish I could delete all the times I compromised… I wish I could delete all the times I didn’t trust God more.” She talks about her experience as a woman who waited to have sex until she was married at 36 years old. “It was powerfully intimate and wildly free.” Though she was a virgin on her wedding day, she still experienced shame. “My biggest regret is not trusting God more.” She and her husband decided to not even share a single kiss until they were engaged. “It made every touch so magical and meaningful.” They met at a Super Bowl party and once she found out he loves Jesus, she started crushing hard. “I knew he would be in my life forever and somehow he would change it.” Seven months later, they were engaged. A Season of Waiting She recognizes that the time of waiting can be the perfect time to group in your faith. “The only reason I can be this happily engaged is because first I was happily single.” She recognizes all of the personal growth that she experienced during her waiting and how it all led her to where she is now. “Every chance I got, I chose to feed my hope.” She recognizes that you have to build muscles of integrity and waiting. “You can’t build muscle without pushback and rest.” We share how we both spent time journaling and writing to our future husbands. Jessica reflects Heaven to me and I just feel brighter after talking with her. I hope you feel the same way. You can keep up with Jessica on Instagram at @jessicashakirbeauty and at her websites: www.JessicaShakirBeauty.com and www.MyBeautyBFF.com.  Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.   XO,  Kat

I’ve been so excited to chat with Mike Aidala. Our schedules finally aligned and we got to chat about physical fitness, toxic masculinity, transformation, and fostering healthy dialogue. I’m so challenged by all of his words. What if life wasn’t as hard as we made it out to be? Focusing Inward He decided after college that he would focus on strengthening his whole self and becoming the best version of Mike Aidala. “I always knew that I had a real passion for helping people.” He notes that his Instagram feed is a combination of strength training videos and more emotional and spiritual movement videos, like yoga acrobatics with his fiancée Chelsea. “I really love emotion and diving into the why behind everything I do.” He enjoys athletics, but he is driven by the emotion behind all of the activities. The connection he feels to the movement. “How can I better be completely engaged in this moment?” Mike notes that lifting somebody into the air isn’t all about strength, it’s about developing trust and an emotional connection with whoever you are lifting. Celebrating Wins Sometimes we can get so caught up in the big picture that we forget to focus on the small everyday tasks and achievements that get us to where we want to be. “That’s a dangerous word: only.” We need to celebrate the wins more. We can see room for improvement everywhere, but we’ll never feel accomplished if we don’t see all we have achieved. “When you fail, you’re growing.” Instead of a typical gratitude journal, Mike likes to write down every day, “what went well and why.” On Fitness Goals… “You don’t really want to lose ten pounds, what you want is maybe your kids to like you, be engaged with your husband more, have better community with your friends. You think losing 10 pounds is going to get you those things. What we focus on is giving you confidence, showing you you’re strong, building your self-esteem. Before you know it, you’ve probably lost the ten pounds anyway, but that isn’t what you come back for, you come back because of the feeling you have.” Toxic Masculinity We discuss toxic masculinity—something a lot of people love to talk about. “Being masculine isn’t toxic,” he says. Masculinity can be toxic, but it isn’t inherently toxic. He recognizes that men do want to learn and be better in areas but being yelled at does not foster that change. We have to dive in to the hard conversations. Mike wants people to be open with each other. Open to criticism, open to discussion. Men and women can create better relationships with each other if they just communicate what they want. We talk about the danger of using the word ‘should.’ “’I want you to do this’ is a lot harder to say than ‘you should do this.’” He encourages men to reach out to the women in their life and ask how they can support them. So, friends, what if you sought to understand the people in your life? What if you learned to listen? What if you practiced supporting others? You can keep up with Mika at @mike.aidala on Instagram and his website at mikeaidala.com where you can find his training programs. Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey. XO, Kat Harris  

Do you have one of those friends who gives the BEST love advice? The type of friend who is willing to call you out and say ‘no, this is not the guy for you,’ or ‘do you seriously not see that he is super into you?’ I hope so, because they’re the best. Amanda Blair is that friend for me. We sat down to record this episode and she shared her story and her dating journey. I even opened up about a recent date I went on and an ambiguous guy friendship I have.  Remember the phrase I use ‘rejection if protection?’ Amanda is the one who first encouraged me to view rejection this way. “When someone else says no, it’s not a personal attack against us.” Amanda was also the first one to call me out and say that there was something between me and this guy I was interested in. I realized I kept getting stuck in these male friendships because I would tell myself I was just ‘the friend.’ Nobody was saying this to me, but I kept shutting the door in relationships because I didn’t think I was worthy. I was playing small, so I was attracting emotionally unavailable guys. Reflecting on her childhood, Amanda discovered the reason she has certain patterns in her romantic life. “I was so desperate for someone to tell me that I was worthy and I was good enough… I just let men walk all over me.” After moving to New York and developing an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and men, she began yoga teacher training and began to confront her relationship with drinking. Her anxiety nearly disappeared when she became sober, something I have also experienced in the last six months. Knowledge alone doesn’t transform us. We can know that a person is bad for us and still want to be with them. Newly in a relationship, the guy she was seeing told her that he saw a future with her that included having a family with her. She fell into Disney Princess Syndrome. But soon after, he ghosted her. “I was done believing that I needed to be saved.” We so often look to guys to validate us, when deep down it is our past self that needs the validation. When we are upset that a guy doesn’t want us, we don’t need to reach out for them, we need to reach inward and recognize that child in us that just needs validation from our present selves. Again, knowledge doesn’t transform us… we can still fall back into old patterns. Just because you’re in the pattern again doesn’t mean you’re back at square one. To break an unhealthy pattern, Amanda gets to the root of feelings through journaling. ‘When did you first experience this? Who were you experiencing it with? What did you need from them?’ Through this, we can acknowledge our brain chemistry and rewire it to break patterns and move toward healing. “The more we block our path up with these ambiguous people or people we’re not really into, we’re just creating road blocks and the thing we want can’t get to us.” “We have to be fully integrated and whole humans to welcome in another fully integrated and whole human.” When we get clear on all of this, we can establish and stick to boundaries that acknowledge our worth. This was pretty much a normal conversation Amanda and I would have. Isn’t she the best? If you loved Amanda, would you head over to iTunes and let us know what you thought in a review?! It would mean the world. You can keep up with Amanda at www.amandablair.org or on Instagram at @xoamandablair. Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey. XO, Kat Harris 

You guys, we are back with our first guest of the year! I’m so thrilled to be sharing this conversation I had with Cheryl Scruggs— she is the mother of Lauren Scruggs Kennedy (who we had on the podcast in episode 002- click here to listen!) who is a dear friend of mine. Cheryl and her husband have a nonprofit called Hope for Marriages where they support couples in reconciling their marriages and they also co-wrote “I Do Again.”   Cheryl + Jeff: The Way They Met " style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-size: 18px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 36px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">• Cheryl and her husband, Jeff, have such a beautiful story that genuinely makes me cry. • In a world that says to bail on something the second it becomes uncomfortable, they have chosen a countercultural response in their marriage. • Cheryl was working as a cocktail waitress to put herself through college when Jeff walked in. They talked a bit and he asked her out on a date. • She was already engaged at this time, but deep in her heart knew that she would not end up marrying the man to whom she was engaged. • When Jeff returned the next week, she agreed to go on a date with him. After a year, they became engaged.   Chasing Happy • Two years in to their marriage, she began to feel lonely. “I thought there was something wrong with me for feeling that way because it looked like we had the perfect life.” • She opens up about her IVF treatments that led her to have her two twin girls who are now 30 years old. She thought maybe they had been the missing link. • One day, she was on a sales trip and she met a man that she would eventually have an affair with. “I’m not proud of any of this, but this is our story.” • When she and Jeff moved from Los Angeles to Dallas, she found herself missing the man she had been having the affair with.  • They would have phone calls—connecting heart to heart. Ultimately, Cheryl filed for divorce from Jeff.    A Second Chance At Love • Looking back, she realizes that Jesus was the missing piece in her marriage. • “I think God had a different plan and we weren’t following it.” • Two months after their divorce, Cheryl really dove into her faith. • “By the end of the year 1992, I realized that, ‘oh my gosh, I feel like God is wanting us to pursue reconciliation.’” • Jeff didn’t think that was going to happen, so they continued to co-parent from separate homes. • “The more I read about biblical marriage, I realized if we could just work on this, we could have a marriage honoring God, being what God wanted us to be rather than who we were.” • Five years after their divorce, they began to spend more time together as a family. And soon after, Jeff began asking Cheryl out on dates. Soon after, they remarried. • Out of this experience, their nonprofit Hope for Marriages was born.   All In Commitment • “You yourself have to understand who you are and who God has made you.” • Cheryl recognizes that our pasts always have an effect on our relationships, but if we are aware of them, we can have more control over how they affect us. • “Happiness is very fleeting. What the Lord wants for us is deep joy. You can be going through trials and still have deep joy.”   Keep up with Cheryl at @cherylscruggs on Instagram, Thrivingbeyondbelief.com, on Facebook at Cheryl Scruggs. Here’s where you can get her book “I Do Again.”     Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called“6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.   XO, Kat

It’s faint, yet distinct. The whisper. An exhale of relief radiates throughout. The soft breeze rustles your matted hair and tear stained cheeks. A stirring unfolds. Finally, it is here. ARISE. A new day. Dawn is on her way. The sun grasps for the horizon. Yet, the battle wages on. Taunting you from every angle. Shame backing you into that old familiar corner, battered and bruised you go. Submit to the shadows, fear beckons. Weariness clothes your soul. Exhaustion clings to your heels. Yet I tell still you: Arise. Failure  Rejection Isolation Suffocation Pain, heartache, struggle, addiction… Fear  They are not your destiny. ARISE. Awaken hope. Your portion is peace. Your portion is breakthrough Upward you go! You’re not chained to the corner—you never were. ARISE. Restoration is here. Reconciliation is now. Rebirth has begun. ARISE. You are on assignment. You are FREE. You are supported. You are safe. ARISE. It’s time. Renewed. Come.   Step into the light. The outpouring of peace is waiting to radiate upon you. ARISE. Rub the sleep from your eyes. It’s time to go to a higher place. ARISE. Courageous one, You belong here. No more waiting in the shadows. You are being led— moment by moment, breath by breath. ARISE. When you move with your Maker there is ease— there is rest. Your Creator is never far off. Together you pave a new trail—a new legacy for the generations bursting with hope, wholeness, glory, and connection. Somewhere between the end of self and the beginning of surrender hope revives your weary soul. Each step forward is untamed territory. With power and authority claim your victory. Dawn awakens and breathes life. It’s a new day. ARISE. ARISE. ARISE.

  Before we dive in to this episode, I want to talk about the name of the podcast. reason the podcast is The Refined Collective and not The Refined Woman is because I wanted to make this a space for both men and women to share their stories. With that being said, we’ve got another man on the podcast today! Reagan Pugh believes any time people gather together is an opportunity for collaboration and refuses to waste those opportunities. He founded Assemble in an effort to support teenagers in collaborations. This week we are talking about success, balance, rest, self-care, and everything in between. We went to high school together and lost touch because life happened. I recently saw his TEDtalk pop up on Facebook and had to reach out. Adjusting Course Though he enjoyed working with Calypso for five or six years, he discovered that the candle was burning at both ends. “I decided I needed to slow down.” He left that position and did contract work until he created Assemble two years later. “No one ever built a country or grew a company or had an influence on a community without some kind of conflict. They had to live some kind of hero’s journey narrative.” He didn’t want to cut himself off from that success, so he worked hard to establish his identity and why he was doing the work. He notes that there are some masculinity issues rooted in the idea of working without regard for rest. Human Connection “I look at the moments when I felt most alive in my life and all of those moments have to do with me being an artist, me writing creatively, me telling stories, me bringing a group of people together to talk about what’s really going on.” He recognizes the fear he had of what his coworkers would think of his interest in the human connection over the results. He thought he was wrong for not being driven by results. “I don’t find any identity in that, so what’s wrong with me?” We talk about how Simon Sinek, among others, is a leader in the thought that human connection is what should drive us. “Instead of being ashamed…I am starting to realize that it is the higher calling.” Yes And… He recognizes all he learned about improv mentality from Patrician Ryan Madsen, author of “Improv Wisdom.” The tagline of this book is, “Don’t prepare; just show up.” “There’s this idea of believing that the best decision was the one you just made.” When you make a decision, it is not worth your time to question it. We talk about something we both struggle with: the need to be right. He remembers one moment he had with his brother where he asked him, “Would you rather be right or would you rather have a relationship?” Who Am I? We discuss the control he felt in his first role at Catalyst, but he realized he could not control was that his identity was not in that work. When he had broken a bone and gone through a breakup, he reflected on how he got to where he is. “Who the hell am I? Where am I finding my identity? Do I believe the story I have been telling myself?” From that moment forward, he has let go of the control. “We’re afraid of the things we’re going to have to deal with if we slow down and ask ourselves who we really are.” We talk about fearing success and why we experience this. Fears of being held accountable fearing that we aren’t worthy. “What if I put out my unique perspective into the world and there’s crickets on the other side?” Head over to ReaganPugh.com to find his TED talk, connect with him on social media platforms, and sign up for his email newsletters. I’ve launched a Bible study for YOU! The Space Between Bible Study and Meditation Guide will give you tools to create a regular rhythm of time with God. Head over to therefinedwoman.com/prayer to grab your guide. “It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” – Marianne Williamson XO, Kat Harris

I am so grateful to be chatting with Radha Agrawal on the podcast today. She is the co-founder, CEO, and chief community architect at Daybreaker (the best morning dance party ever). She is also an entrepreneur, having co-founded THINX and LiveItUp, and the author of Belong. I could go on and on about these incredible titles, but let’s dive into who lies beneath all of that. We talk all about what her journey to motherhood has looked like and how she has worked to create community in everything she does. The Journey to Motherhood She waited 36 years to find the love of her life. She remembers questioning whether she wanted to have children, but she met her husband and realized she wanted to create life with him. When they tried to have children, she got pregnant right away. Unfortunately, she miscarried right away as well. “You go from this anticipatory experience- the excitement, the waiting- and then the miscarriage, you’re asking yourself, ‘is it too late?” A month and a half later, she got pregnant again. Today, she is seven months pregnant with a baby girl. “The birthing process is just such a miracle… I have such a deep appreciation for what it means to be human.” Belong “I’ve never felt a deeper sense of belonging to another being than I do having a being growing inside of me.” Her book explores the idea that we are all looking to belong. However, as a country, we are lonely and isolated. “The single most important thing we can do as human beings is to create community for ourselves and for others. It is the most generous act we can do.” She recognizes that the sensitivity of rejection keeps us from reaching out and building community. “That’s the hardest part of belonging: being the first person on the dance floor dancing.” She talks about the fear surrounding leadership on all levels, whether that leading a team as a CEO or reaching out to a friend to see if they want to hang out. Community We talk about the importance of community, and a community of many people. We can’t put the pressure of serving every role on just one person. She remembers not feeling connected to the friends she had in her twenties. “I woke up at 30 and looked at myself in the mirror and said, ‘my light is dim’.” From that moment forward, she made the changes she knew she needed. “Belonging starts with yourself. You have to know who you are first.” She explores the struggle of labels. The labels we place on ourselves hold us back from growth. Daybreaker Imagine your typical wild Saturday night out. But replace the alcohol with breakfast treats. In the early hours of weekday mornings, Daybreaker gives people the place to be who they are, whether they want to be social or want to keep to themselves. It involves yoga, dancing, and is all you can eat and all you can drink. Pretty much the greatest experience ever. “We’re creating space for people. We need a place to self-express.” “How do we gather? How do we create and design experiences? How do we make friends?” She addresses the fact that technology has the power to distance us from each other. “You have all of the power to decide what type of life you want to lead. You have all the opportunities at your fingertips to be able to do that.” Don’t you just love Radha? I did not want to end our conversation! To keep up with her and her work, head over to belongbook.com to order her book. You can also find her at Instagram.com/love.radha and at her website radhaagrawal.com. Send this girl some love. Thank you so much for joining along with podcast journey with me. Every DM, comment, and share means the world to me, my team, and my guests. None of this would be possible without you. Head over to the podcast app to subscribe so that you never miss and episode. I also want to invite you to rate the podcast and leave a review while you’re there! Thanks for the support and love. This episode is brought to you by the free PDF guide called “Moving Through Fear.” It is full of resources that I hope will help guide you through rejecting the lies in your life and finding the truth. XO, Kat Harris  

You guys, this is a pretty important episode. You may know her as Tutti del Monte if you follow her on Instagram or Sara del Monte if you know her in real life. She is one of my best friends, so I call her ‘sissy.’ This episode has quite a few inside jokes and a whole lot of laughter. I wanted to share this with you because Sara inspires me so much with her femininity, grace, patience, and humility. She has gone through a major transition in life this past year and has done so with such grace, even when plans fall to pieces. I look up to this woman for a million and one reasons and am so excited to be sharing her story with you. Where It All Began Sara met my ex at a housewarming party and he left the party knowing that we would be best friends. We met later at a photoshoot collaboration and It was love at first sight and we’ve been friends ever since. “If the only reason he was in my life was to meet you…” “I certainly believe that.” This time last year, Sara was single, taking time for herself, working out, and focusing on her work with her photography business Boudoir by Tutti. Our entire friend group felt a change coming, but we weren’t sure what it was going to be or who it was going to be for. “There was a shift happening and we were in it.” The Graceful Transition She became pregnant unexpectedly while living in New York. Though this wasn’t part of her plan, she recognized that this was something she has always wanted. “It took me my community and it took me some time to understand what this would mean for my life.” She was determined to stay in New York and raise the baby among friends. “I wanted my life to continue the way it was plus a baby.” After doing some research and determining what it would actually look like to have a baby in New York, she decided to move home to Florida. “What keeps me sane is ‘what is the bigger picture here?” Confronting Expectations “I always thought being pregnant was going to be with a partner by my side experiencing every little kick of the baby, every appointment at the doctors, every mile stone.” Not being in a committed relationship with her baby’s dad, she experienced moments of loneliness and sadness. But she got to share those moments with friends, family, and community. “I still have those things, it just feels so different.” Though she was tired through pretty much all of her first trimester, she enjoyed the experience of being pregnant. Faith + Friendship We have spent a lot of time together doing devotionals and discussing our faith. She isn’t afraid to ask questions and dig into her faith. “God has really showed up in my life in the way of you.” Now that she is a mother, she experiences God through her sweet baby boy. “I feel very grateful that doors have been closed when they have been and doors have been opened when they have been.” We talk about how there are so many people praying for her baby. The Last Moments of Pregnancy/ The First Moments of Motherhood Going in to labor, she knew she didn’t want any epidurals. “I wanted to experience birth, I just wanted to completely experience it.” After going to a doctor appointment after her due date had passed, she was told she needed to have labor induced. “Everything I had planned would from the very get-go be different.” Packed for a trip to the beach, she instead took a trip to the hospital to give birth. “Plan something and God up there is laughing.” She reflects on the pain and beauty of going through labor and letting go of her plans. “That moment you first see your child is otherworldly.” I’m going to end this with some advice Sara would have given herself a year ago; I think it’s probably something a lot of you need to hear right now. “Experience the process. There is going to be light at the end of the tunnel.” You can keep up with Sara, her work, and her journey of motherhood on Instagram and at her website. This episode is brought to you by my free PDF guide “How to Slow Down: 6 Ways to Reset” It is so easy to rush through life. I have been challenged over the year to pause, slow down, and reset. This guide will help you to interrupt the chaos and actually find time to do more things. Go to therefinedwoman.com/freebie to check it out. XO, Kat Harris  

Do you guys ever send out an email and think ‘this person probably won’t get back to me, but I’ll try anyway’? Me too. Except I got a reply back, and now I got the opportunity to talk with Bob Goff!! (I may have been a little nervous and it may or may not be obvious.) I am inspired by the way he discusses faith, Jesus, loving others, and living a life of adventure. A two-time New York Times best-selling author, Bob Goff wrote Love Does and Everybody Always. You HAVE to get Love Does as a Christmas gift for all of the kiddos in your life. Get your notebooks out; Bob came with some wisdom. Everybody Always When I was reading his book, I was astonished when he said his child got into skydiving. He talks about the balance between manipulation and support as a parent. “If you’re waving off on things because you’re just afraid, I would double check the return address on that.” He talks about his experience landing planes (he’s pretty much a pro) and telling the air traffic controller that he is a student pilot so they’ll be nicer to him and help him out. He takes it further by saying we should be students in every aspect of life which will bring about more kindness in the world. Always Right Personally, I have a need to be right. As a former lawyer, Bob used to have a need to be right. Reading his book, I was struck when he said, “We can be correct and not right.” A sports analogy for you: If you want to be right, you are the referee. But Bob sees the other roles you can take on. The cheerleader supports. The mascot represents something greater. We can choose which role we want to fill. “If applause is the goal, join the circus.” Taking Notes “The people who are most engaged in their lives are actually taking notes on them.” He stresses the idea of capturing everything he talks about. “These things come by you like butterflies, and you don’t have your net out.” Even in simple conversations, we can become more engaged simply by taking notes. It honors the other person. If you don’t take notes, a conversation full of wisdom has just blown by you, uncaptured. “You should walk away having learned more about yourself or more about them.” Hebrews 11:1 “Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” Love Does Bob wanted to build some schools. The idea was that the money made from his Love Does book sales would go toward building a school. After selling several million copies, the reach has expanded. Love Does Org now has built schools in Uganda, Somalia, and Afghanistan. His book encourages discussions between parents and children. “One of the things I want to do is just have us have more reasons to be talk with each other and reading stories to each other.” Finding Your Calling We discuss how people often quit when things get hard, but quitting should always be a reflection that you have evolved past where you were. “It’s the wedding of a capability and an opportunity… Your capability may not be your calling.” We talk about how our decisions can be guided by faith, insecurity, and fear. “Let yourself know that you are entitled to beautiful relationships.” “If you take away what you’re known for and you replace it with what you’re longing for, then that would be the beginning of a real conversation.”  Bob challenges all of us to sit down with a friend and say we want to have an authentic conversation. Then share first what we’re known for then who we really are. “Get in touch with these authentic relationships.” You can keep up with Bob at his website, the Love Does website, and the Dream Big Framework website. This episode is brought to you by my free PDF guide “How to Slow Down: 6 Ways to Reset” It is so easy to rush through life. I have been challenged over the year to pause, slow down, and reset. This guide will help you to interrupt the chaos and actually find time to do more things. Go to therefinedwoman.com/freebie to check it out. XO, Kat Harris 

Unless you’ve lived under a rock, you know Ben Higgins from ABC’s The Bachelor.  But what you may not know is that this man has a heart for social good, faith, and leadership. He understands that purchasing power can and should be used to make an impact. This episode, I talk with Ben Higgins about life on The Bachelor, his faith, and his work creating sustainable change through his for profit organization, Generous Coffee. Life After The Bachelor When you’re on The Bachelor, you all of a sudden have an audience and millions of eyes are on your life. While it’s so easy to use this newfound fame and get a big head, Ben has committed to making a difference in the world. Ben remembers a time when he enjoyed having all eyes on him as the bachelor, but it didn’t last. “The euphoric feeling of having your ego stroked ended- I was left to question a lot of things” Faith and Work He recognizes the partnership between faith and action.  Instead of just praying things into existence, which is important, he knows we have vital roles to play in creating a world and culture of hope and change. “I don’t think we give ourselves enough credit sometimes.” “God has entrusted us with skills, intelligence, and wisdom to get to a place where we can be good stewards for the world He has created for us.” We have to deconstruct our beliefs to strengthen our why’s and live with integrity. Ben often thinks back to this quote: “Live your life like you’ll be written about in the Bible.” Creating Lasting Change Ben’s friend Riley Fuller started a non-profit called Humanity and Hope United, which focuses on ending poverty in Honduras. Ben and Riley witnessed the poverty and saw that they were being helped, but not in a way that would create lasting change. He remembered being angry about what he saw for years after until Riley suggested they partner with these countries. They partnered with communities in Honduras to support them in reaching their goals.   Six years in he was overwhelmed with the realization that small businesses were succeeding and children were graduating school. Today’s ceiling is tomorrow’s floor.  Ben challenges himself and others to never get complacent, “How far have we come, and how far can we go?” Generous Coffee He recognizes that The Bachelor gave him a platform that allowed him to get funding for their project, but that it won’t last forever. Two years ago, he and Riley started Generous Coffee as a for-profit business to help fund the non-profit. Now, Ben is the operating president, chief executive officer, and co-founder along with Drew Scholl and Riley Fuller. Their coffee comes from nine different countries. T-shirts are made from water bottles by women in Haiti. Beyond non-profits, there are so many for-profits that donate a portion of their profits to causes they believe in, like Newman’s Own. Following in the footsteps of this, Ben is looking forward to continuing his work with Generous Coffee. “When you see a purpose, no matter how big or small, stay in your lane and pursue it and complete it and do it with vigor.” This week’s episode is brought to you by Generous Coffee. It creates a community that creates sustainable change and believes in the unique power of the human being. It is a for-profit business and they’re always partnering with organizations that share their values. Join the movement! Go to generousmovement.com to see their products and what they’re up to. This episode is ALSO brought to you by Steereo. Are you obsessed with music? Are you looking to stay ahead of the next big music trends? If you become a contributor at Steereo.com/contributor, you can get rewards for rating music! XO, Kat Harris

Integrated feminine wholeness coach Morgan Day Cecil’s message is that God designed you to embrace your inner sexy, and you deserve to lean into it. We are new friends, and already her femininity has inspired me. I hope she will inspire you to embrace your womanhood and sexiness as well. We talk about owning your sexuality for you, and not another person. We explore a topic I never have discussed publicly yet:  self-pleasure a.k.a. masturbation.  How to Embrace Your Sexuality When women ask how to embrace their sexuality, they are asking the permission to find freedom. “We want a feeling of authenticity and freedom and wholeness in this area of life that sometimes seems scary and shameful.” The typical definition of ‘sex’ is focused on the male experience. “I want to feel alive. I want to feel desired, loved, wanted.” Often, people see sex as the answer to these needs. Morgan recalls how her relationship with sex changed before and after becoming Christian and finding a deeper understanding of her sexuality. “I started experiencing my sexuality through sensuality.” Your Sexuality Is for You One of the biggest lies I believed was that my sexuality was for another person. But then I bought myself some La Perla lingerie for me, because I am worth being connected to my sexuality whether or not a man gets to experience that. Morgan went on a retreat in Rome and distinctly remembers bringing these women to buy lingerie for themselves. “It doesn’t have to be about men. When that masculine energy comes in, we feel like we are in the seat of power. Not power over, but power that belongs to us because we are inhabiting our wholeness.” Too often, female sexuality is seen as dangerous and manipulative. “It’s this divine dance of intimacy that we are invited to be a part of.” Coming to a deeper understanding your own sexuality is to become closer to God. “Start intentionally making love with nature.” Heartbreak to Healing Morgan found herself pregnant with the child of a man who wanted nothing to do with it. She reflects on the moments of loneliness in this time. Fear and anxiety led her to the hospital, but she left with a clearer vision for her life. “I empowered myself to do what I could from where I was at.” She was in the Cinderella mindset: “Somebody else has the power to give me a beautiful life.” Inviting God into the Desire Masturbation is one of the number thinsg Christian women ask us about. Intentional self-pleasuring can be a very sacred practice. Most people masturbate in a fantasy that is devoid of any real emotion. We talk about the slippery slope between the experiences women can have with self-pleasure. To avoid the wrong experiences, we have to ask ourselves, “What story preceded this desire? Was it a story where the theme is fear or love?” If self-pleasure seems like a big step for you, go at the pace you feel comfortable with. Maybe that means just being present in nature. This is your journey and you make all of the decisions. I am so grateful for Morgan and for this unexpected turn in our conversation that I hope will speak to your souls. You can keep up with her at her website. She also posts videos to YouTube daily and she has a workbook available called “A New Narrative.” This episode is brought to you by Steereo.com. Are you obsessed with music? Are you looking to stay ahead of the next big music trends? If you become a contributor at Steereo.com/contributor, you can get rewards for rating music! And another thing- I’ve launched a Bible study for YOU! The Space Between Bible Study and Meditation Guide will give you tools to create a regular rhythm of time with God. Head over to therefinedwoman.com/prayer to grab your guide. XO, Kat Harris    

Do you ever meet someone and just know that they’re the real deal and you immediately dive in to some real talk? Jordan Lee Dooley is one of those girls. If you know her, you know this, and if you don’t, well… you’ll see. This girl lives in a farm house in Indiana with her husband and is the author of Purpose and the creator of the She Podcast. Her mission in life is to show others their purpose and encourage them to live out that purpose.  Being an Honest Example “It’s trendy to use that language. It’s not so tangible to put into practice.” As an achiever (where my type 3 enneagram ladies at?), she wrote an entire book and found that she wasn’t slowing down or celebrating after. “I was living under this chronic pressure to prove.” After having a shower meltdown and panicked phone call to her mother, she decided to show herself some grace and focus on practicing what she preaches. “If I say this publicly, is it being represented 100% privately?” We talk about the balance between not sharing things before you are ready to and not putting on an act of having it all together. Choosing Boundaries “My ideas create chaos in my life.” She recognizes that she had a broad vision that didn’t bring structure to her life and work. Once she sat down and got clear on that, she found structure and boundaries. “At what point have I made things out of a place of ‘this is expected of me’ rather than from a place of ‘this is truly my heart’s passion’.” She talks about dropping the need to please everybody. Implementable imperfect action… Jordan likes to physically write down what she is working on so she can assess what is actually in line with her mission and purpose. Pressure versus purpose. “I have more space in my life.” She now works with her team to make sure things are restructured according to purpose. “God is good, even when life is not… Rooting myself in that truth helps me make decisions.” Focusing on this truth allows her to detach from circumstance and focus on her purpose in every area of life. If you loved this episode, take a screenshot and share on your IG stories! Tag @therefinedcollective and let’s have a conversation about the episode.  This episode was sponsored by Branch Basics, a brand created by women with the goal of revolutionizing the home with non-toxic cleaning products. These products bring simplicity and functionality into your life and I’m all about that. They gave me a special code to share with you for 20% off your first order: (refinedcollective). Thanks, Branch Basics!

Davie is Nashville-based performer, producer, writer, and musician—his EP “Black Gospel Vol. 1” is available on iTunes and Spotify. I first met him years ago in LA through mutual friends; it was probably on a dance floor.  I’m sure of it.  We bonded over our shared love of Beyoncé, and the rest is history. Davie has performed at Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza, and Austin City Limits. You’ve probably heard his music on the Wild Turkey commercial with Matthew McConaughey, or on ESPN College Gameday. He’s in the thick of ‘making it’.  His dreams, years of hard work are paying off.  But he’ll be the first to tell you none of this was overnight.  His now is happening because of the silent, unnoticed by man years of laying the groundwork.   You’ve seen his success; today we’re talking about the hustle that got him there. The Slow Climb “People see the end result, but they don’t see the silent hustle.” One of Davies first breaks came when he was a dancer and singer on Glee when he first moved to Los Angeles. He landed this opportunity by reaching out to the show’s music director.  You never know what will happen when you put yourself out there. When the show ended, he had new connections that brought him to work on Cee Lo Green’s Christmas album, among other projects. Most recently, this connection enabled him to work with Donald Glover. He continued to send out emails looking for work. “I’ll email anybody. When I was in high school, I emailed P. Diddy. He didn’t email me back.” He recalls numerous shows where the crowds were small, mostly comprising of friends and friends of friends. “Never get so focused on the people above you that you don’t look at your peers.” What if I Didn’t Put Myself in a Box? After multiple shifts in work and perspective, Davie is happy with where he is right now. When it comes to surrounding yourself with people professionally or romantically, he thinks, “Why would you want to be someone’s maybe? Don’t settle for maybe.” It’s important to surround yourself with those who inspire you. Changing your surroundings will change your outlook on life. Though he has felt pressure to fit into certain styles of song, he notes that one particular song that he didn’t feel super connected to was able to connect to the people who listen to it in a powerful way and it’s beautiful to witness. On Performing He is inspired by photography and seeing the vision others have for life. He strives to create a vision and connect with others through it. “They individually feel connected to you by having personal moments in your music that you know nothing about. They come to a show and you feel that energy.” He remembers seeing Post Malone performing at Lollapalooza and witnessing him speaking life toward the audience’s experiences. “Hopefully your art can make them feel something.” Davie notes his experience at Beyoncé and Jay Z ‘On the Run Part II Tour’ being “fully and powerfully their black selves,” and seeing people of all races listening and connecting in the audience. The Heart Behind Black Gospel Vol. 1 “I try to have church for folks who will never step foot in church.” This latest album comes after his mixtape called “Music by Davie,” marking his switch from going by James David to Davie. Davie sees this album as bringing himself back to where he started: church. It reflects a lot of his questioning of his faith. The album came at a time of transition for him in life with his family and also a time of transition for the country with the 2018 election. He recognizes that Heaven Calling is really the heartbeat of the album, with the focus being the realization that one day his parents will die and one day he will die. One line from the song is “I can’t stand getting older while my dreams get younger.” Looking forward, he is excited to be having a new single coming out next fall. You guys, I got him to sing for you on the podcast! He sings Roll With Me… it is so good. I got chills. You can connect with Davie at his website or on Instagram. This episode is brought to you by the free PDF guide called “Moving Through Fear.” It is full of resources that I hope will help guide you through rejecting the lies in your life and finding the truth. XO, Kat Harris 

    “Words not for the ears, but for the soul.” This is Arielle Estoria’s mantra. She is a writer, speaker, and creative based in Los Angeles, CA. When Arielle was invited to speak in Nashville, TN, at Aboundco, she was given total freedom to write whatever she wanted. She graciously shares what she wrote with me and you! One line that stands out for me is “When is the last time you danced with your creator?” Tune in to the episode to hear her beautiful poem and our conversation about love, prayer, and singleness.   Faith and Love We talk about what it means to navigate life as a single woman of faith today. When you are longing for a relationship, it is easy to focus just on that and not focus on yourself in the present. “I have been called to speak and to teach and to preach just as a man has been called to speak and to teach and to preach.” One of Arielle’s very first events she read a poem at, she had a woman approach her and ask her “Do you ever wonder if God spent as much time with Eve as he spent with Adam?” This is a thought that revisits her constantly and we explore what comes up for her when she thinks about it. “Before she even knew that there was a man anywhere near or for her, she only knew her creator.”   Seasons of Life In any season of life, there are a lot of opportunities to learn about yourself. “There’s always those shadow spaces you probably ignore.” As an enneagram type 4, she recognizes that her feelings dominate everything. She has found that she has to sit and assess situations that she feels hurt by. “Not everything has to hurt your feelings.” In her season of singleness, she has come to learn a lot, particularly the importance of calling out your desire. Arielle wants a man with blue eyes who is kind to everyone around him. And guess what? She is allowed to desire both of those things. God is always listening. “Even my smallest of desires and wants and needs, you take them and you consider the whole of them.”   Facing Expectations Arielle notes that we can be so obsessed with something we’ve lost that we can’t see what is coming our way. God is always opening doors for us. “It’s not going to look like how you think it’s going to look.” And that is always a good thing, even if we don’t know it in the moment. “There are so many little things that we need to figure out for ourselves before we can ever be who we need to be with another person.” The grass always seems greener, but we acknowledge the freedom of the season of singleness. It’s important to enjoy the season you’re in, no matter which season it is. “The highs are going to be high and the lows are going to be low and we have to take in every part of each one of them.”   Want more of Arielle? You can check out her website, Instagram, and Twitter. She also has two books on Amazon right now called “Vagabonds & Zealots” and “Write Bloody, Spill Pretty.” I hope she inspired you as much as she inspired me. If you’re loving The Refined Collective Podcast, head over to the podcast app after you’re done listening and subscribe, rate, and review! Share your thoughts on this episode specifically. I want to know what parts of this episode resonated the most with you! I appreciate you all!   This episode is brought to you by the free PDF guide called “Moving Through Fear.” It is full of resources that I hope will help guide you through rejecting the lies in your life and finding the truth.   XOXO, Kat Harris

    Three years ago, a friend gave me a ticket to the She is Free conference. Rebekah Lyons, author of You Are Free and Freefall to Fly, was at the conference speaking about her experience with anxiety. I was sitting there, not comprehending what she went through and struggling to have empathy. Fast forward to a year later and I found myself struggling with debilitating anxiety. Ever since then, I’ve wanted to have a chat with Rebekah about anxiety and I’m so glad we were able to have this conversation and share it with you.   Struck with Pain She never set out to be a voice on anxiety, but that is where life led her. “I think God always makes our pain become purpose.” She developed a panic disorder in 2010 after moving to Manhattan and remembered feeling alone in her experience. “My surrender moment was my first panic attack.” Her first panic attack was four months after moving to New York. It was sparked by a claustrophobia while her plane was landing in LaGuardia. This marked the beginning of a turbulent year of panic attacks. Rebekah remembers praying for healing one night in bed with her husband and waking up the next morning, a bit timid, thinking, “Did it take?” “When you’re sick, you only see inward, you see what is broken, you see what is lost. When a healing journey begins, you begin to look up and look out and notice everybody else.” She remembers walking around that day looking outward.   Finding an Answer for the Fear We are so gripped in fear, and we don’t always know why. “It’s the first time I’ve known the rescue of God in the 30 years I’ve called myself a Christian.” She began to research mental health in the church in search of the underlying root to her fears. “We are supposed to shout peace from the rooftops.” Rebekah recognizes that self-idolatry and false idolatry keep us from being stewards of God. “Holy Spirit, would you please show me any counterfeit Gods in my life. Have I elevated my gift of writing over you, the giver of words?” We have to put our trust back in God to find freedom and joy. In this new season of life, Rebekah and her husband are welcoming joy in to their life and are adopting. Their baby girl Joy will be joining them in December.   In the Pursuit of Peace Rebekah advises those of you going through anxiety to get a journal and write down your thoughts every morning. Start a conversation with God; there is no right way to do it. “Invite God into the stress.” Reach out to friends to help you find the root of your anxiety, they can help identify the moments when you stop looking outward and retreat inward. When you know what is causing those deep-down feelings of discomfort, lay it all down and prioritize it all below God. “You cannot heal what is hidden.” We fall into traps of tying our identity to some thing instead of God.   Rebekah is such a voice of healing and I adore her for it. Visit her website for free resources like tips for mental health and anxiety. Her book, You Are Free, is for sale wherever books are sold. Keep up with her work, life, and beautiful family on Instagram.   XO, Kat Harris

A Million Little Things with Christina Moses   Christina Moses is an incredibly talented actress who is starring in the ensemble cast of A Million Little Things on ABC which premiered on September 26th. It focuses on a group of friends who come together after a friend of theirs suddenly dies, and is being called The Big Chill meets This Is Us. If you’ve seen the first episode, you’ll know how good it is. She also appears in Condor, The Originals, Containment, Roadies, and Rosewood. Aside from acting, she dedicates her time to philanthropic efforts with organizations like Lotus Outreach International, The Girl Effect and the Geena Davis Institute.   Everything Happens for a Reason   “Anytime you put anything your love out there, you’re exposed in some way.”   Her new show, A Million Little Things, explores the idea that everything in life happens for a reason. Believing in karma, Christina personally notices the power of cause and effect in everyday life.  She goes through life thinking, “how can I choose to learn from this situation?”   Hard Work to Success   Overnight successes aren’t really a reality, however it’s so easy to see it that way when all we see are the shiny, edited, spotlight moments of someone’s life. “Getting my heart aligned with my mind to muster up the courage and the confidence to even go for it was a long road.” Growing up in Los Angeles in a household with an acting coach father, she went on auditions as a kid. She was shy in every audition and decided that it was best to put it off for a while until she felt comfortable. In school, she dedicated time to painting and poetry before she discovered theater where she could express her creativity in a comfortable way.     Finding Your Worth She moved to New York, and dove into cultural and race politics before realizing she missed acting.   “It took me forever to admit that this is something I want to do.”   In 2008, she got representation, and decided that she was going to really go for it.   “It took a long time to really believe that I deserve to be there.”   Christina never doubted her talent as an actor, but her childhood experiences affected her view of her worth.   Looking back, she recognizes the trauma she felt on the auditions as a child and the need she felt to please her father.     Surviving to Thriving Christina acknowledges that for a long time, she was just surviving and living with a level of anxiety.   “It has so much to do with being afraid of the space that I would take up if I shined if I just followed my heart.” “What truly lights me up is bringing people along for the ride. I get lit up when other people are lit up.” She hopes she can do that for everyone who sees her work. “There is this complete fear of being our best selves.” We have to understand and accept our wounds and faults in order to move through them. Looking back on her childhood, she would give herself many pieces of advice, one being “Make all the mistakes in the world.” Did you need to hear that? Because I sure did.     Christina and I dove right into some deep topics and I am so grateful for her heart and her talent. Want to keep up with her and her work? Follow her on Instagram and Twitter and don’t forget to tune in to A Million Little Things on ABC every Wednesday at 10/9c. You do not want to miss out!   If this podcast has been a gift to you, would you head over to the podcast app and leave a review? I want to express my gratitude for you guys, so screenshot your review and DM it to @therefinedcollective or tag me in it on Instagram and I will give you a shout-out on IG stories! Make sure to tune in to the episode to see if I read your review on air!   XO, Kat

Today I’m talking with Allison Evans about exploring holistic health! This boss lady is co-founder of Branch Basics.  They provide clean, toxic-free, fragrance free cleaning products. Allison is passionate about leading a toxic-free lifestyle, and giving others the resources to do the same. I could talk with this girl for hours, and I’m glad you get to listen in on part of our conversation (we may or may not have chatted for twenty minutes after we stopped recording). We dive into her health journey, why she chose this holistic lifestyle, and how you can transition into clean living too. Finding Healing Allison’s chronic pain began her sophomore year of college.  Her focus shifted from school and sorority life to full-time health.  “I remember lying in bed at night trying to go to sleep and I started crying because I realized something was wrong.” Chronic pain is something that a lot of people never really understand until they go through it. It was constant and painful and eventually led to nerve and muscle issues. “The mystery was almost as debilitating for me as the pain.”   Finding Freedom The only answers doctors could give her were grim including telling her she would never be able to have her own children. She admits that she was skeptical of her aunt’s holistic approach to health  to help her find relief.  But she was desperate. She spent a summer with her aunt focusing on holistic healing, eating clean food, practicing yoga, and limiting phone time. She left that summer not having to take any medications, and having reduced the pain by 95%. People look at Allison’s lifestyle of avoiding certain products and certain foods as limiting and unfortunate, but she finds great happiness in the lifestyle she has created for herself. “This is where my freedom is. This is where I have found I thrive.”   Finding Resources “It took experiencing the pain, being desperate, hitting rock bottom, seeing doctors, and taking drugs for me to say I’m all in.” Allison didn’t have the luxury of spending time looking for the right resources to start this holistic journey. She was out of options and began with the guidance of her aunt. “Everyone has to meet themselves where they are.” Removal is key: The first thing Allison advises isn’t anything fancy; she recommends removal. Remove the stresses, remove the toxins that are prominent in your life.  You can start small whether that’s removing fragrant dryer sheets and candles from your house.  It doesn’t have to be an extreme overnight shift. “If overhauling your fridge and your pantry seems stressful, go to the laundry room or look at your candles.” Branch Basics has a fascinating blog post about the problems surrounding fragrance. I know you don’t want to give up candles, so Allison recommended these as a toxin-free alternative. Finding What Works for You Sometimes making these changes will tackle health problems you weren’t even looking to address. Allison was told in high school that because of cysts, she would never be able to conceive. After making these changes, she has had a child and is pregnant with a second. Allison and I both believe in the connection between the physical and the spiritual. Even though it has been a difficult journey, she has found that tapping in to the spiritual has been life-changing. “God is meeting us where we are and knows our hearts more than anyone else who is guiding us.” Finding Peace “Stress is worse than the dryer sheets.”  One of the most toxic things in our lives is stress.  The toll it has on our mind and spirits is staggering.  How can you do something small today to decrease the stress in your life?  Everyone has stress in their life and that is often the biggest toxin. You can read all about this in The Emotion Code by Bradley Nelson. “It’s unbelievable how our thoughts affect the physical.” Allison identifies breathing exercises as a perfect way to address this. Studies also prove that simply writing down your stresses helps your body to physically release the stress. “We can live in a perfect environment, but if we’re thinking about things that make us angry and people who have treated us unfairly in the past, that’s just as toxic.” She still has stress in her life and she admits that this month has not been the greatest, but she believes in a greater vision for her life. “I believe there is healing here.” Intrigued by all of this? Want to keep Allison Evans and her wisdom in your life? (Same!) Sign up for the Branch Basics newsletters here.    This episode of The Refined Collective Podcast is brought to you by TWO things! The first is my FREE guide to help you move through fear and anxiety called “Moving Through Fear”. Identify those fears and replace them with truth! We’re on this journey together, friends. The second thing is something you can find back in episode 19. That brief episode dives into finding the root of our anxieties and I guide you through a meditation. There is so much healing for you friend! XO, Kat Harris

Joel Brown is based in Bali, Indonesia and has such a powerful vision for the world. His business is Addicted 2 Success motivates people to pursue their vision in life. He has worked alongside greats in the field like Tony Robbins, Gabby Bernstein, Simon Sinek and Gary Vaynerchuk. He sees potential and actively serves people to reach beyond that potential. In this episode, we talk about vision and purpose for his business, God, himself, and others. Coming in To His Own Trust me, you’re going to want to move to Bali after listening to him talk about it. He challenges others to find their priorities and makes sure their actions are in alignment with their vision. “People who aren’t clear on what their values are, they say yes when they really want to say no. They only think about it after it happens and go ‘why didn’t that feel right?’”   What Is Your Vision? For a lot of people, there has to be a major mindset shift that gets them to stop thinking of immediate desires, and get focused on their long-term goals. “If you’re clear on your vision, you start living an intentional life.” Once people achieve this, they find and create a greater purpose for their life. He remembers the vision framework taught to him by Jordan Belfort as being particularly powerful. He has used that framework to create his own personal philosophy that he uses to guide himself and clients to achieve their 10-year vision. Joel doesn’t want to look back on his life and see that he wasted his God-given potential. He feels the same for others.   Take a Chance Joel acknowledges that when you take a look at all that it costs you, you will realize that it isn’t worth it to be held back, and that there is a greater life to be lived. “You fuse with it. You think ‘this is a part of me’ and it becomes a part of your identity.”   Fear to Fun! “When you are living intentionally, you have to negotiate with your mind.” He finds this reflected in the way he switched up his workout routine--the physical manifests the spiritual and internal. Someone told him it’s like you’re hitting a roof as the workout progresses and once you get there you have to fight the urge to rest and break through the roof. “I was pushing myself past my mind because my mind starts to panic. After you break through that, your body calms and relaxes.” “I believe when you match fear, now is the opportunity to turn fear into fun.” Joel and I are so on the same page, you guys. The physical is profoundly connected to the spiritual. “The enemy uses fear to bring us into doubt. The more doubt you remove, the more your faith increases.”   Origin, Meaning, Morality + Destiny Joel believes everyone has to test their beliefs against four things: origin, meaning, morality, and destiny. When you can identify these disconnects, you can make the shift to align with your beliefs. “So many people adopt beliefs and don’t know why or where they came from. If you really want to start making good decisions in your life, you have to challenge your thoughts.”   Joel’s vision in life right now is to make an impact in the lives of as many people as possible. He is currently hoping to empower those in third world countries with his programs. How incredible is he? You can keep up with him and his work on Instagram, Facebook, and on his website where you can put in your email address and get his video series delivered to your inbox!   This episode is brought to you by the free PDF guide called “Moving Through Fear.” It is full of resources that I hope will help guide you through rejecting the lies in your life and finding the truth.   XO, Kat

Thank goodness for internet friends, you guys. AustinChanning Brown is a leading new voice on the intersection of racial justice, faith, and black womanhood. I recently read her book I'm Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness  and let me tell you, it is covered with notes, highlighter, underlining, and all the things. It also made it to the top of Amazon's Top 20 Best Sellers list! Austininvites others into a dialogue through her writing, her speaking, and her workshops.    Beyonce and Faith • The first time I stalked Austinon Instagram and saw that she hosted a workshop on Beyonce and faith, I knewwe would be best friends. (Anyone else bummed they missed out on this?) •She hosted this workshop at a music and faith conference after realizing how much Lemonade was packed with faith.  • The visual album also shared the story of black womanhood in a major way. •"She didn't just kind of feature black women. She went all the way there."   I'm Still Here •When her book first came out, it went out to Amazon reviewers and the reviews were not pretty. • After her husband told her "Austin, would you change one word? Is there anything you would change to have this reviewer like the book?"she realized the answer was no. •The book allows white readers to confront some of their own behavior and allows black readers to maybe identify with parts of Austin's story.   Diversity v Reconciliation  •People play a numbers game with people of color, using them as "sprinkles" instead of bringing them in to the core. •This creates a guise of diversity when it remains wholly lacking in diversity where it counts. •"We are whole human beings." • The key to stopping the "token" behavior is bringing in black people who can change the culture that is catered to white people. •Austinremembers the chapel services at her university lacked the music and influence of other cultures. Instead of introducing a single black hymn, they brought in a pastor who could bring power and influence to the service.     Hope "There are places. There are moments. There are institutions. There are people for whom I'm hopeful. But if I broaden it out to the entire country, I have zero evidence that by the time my son is grown he won't have to deal with this."   •Even in the absence of hope for the country's eradication of racism, she puts in the work to bring about change. •She looks at photos of ancestors, some of whom were enslaved and feels a duty to them. •"I have work to do whether I feel great or not. That is my privilege. My privilege is being free."   On Being a Spokeswoman •There is an immense pressure put on black people to be the spokesperson for the entire community. •Her book focuses on her personal story as a black woman, but it invites others in the black community to share their experiences. •"It gives people a starting place as opposed to 'this is how it is'." •Paul Laurence Dunbar's We Wear the Mask is an important piece of work in Austin's life. She remembers a teacher who brought this work into the curriculum in a way she had never experienced. •She is grateful for the way he expected the white students who filled the class to unpack the poem, and it's themes the way she had been expected to do the same for white authors.  •She remembers being engaged in the work and feeling understood by the work, but her teacher never put on her the responsibility of sharing her thoughts with the class. •"He didn't make me the temporary substitute teacher on race." •To Hell With Good Intentions  outlines that good intentions are often based on assumptions. •"We don't suddenly become all about our race because you decided to introduce diversity into the class."   I'm Still Here •We, as a nation, place so much importance on our history, but fail to give everybody'sstory the same attention. "All of our stories are tied together at one point or another. When we go back to the beginning, it helps us understand how we got here." •We talk about the fear white people have being called racist. Years ago, they saw that as perfectly normal.     "When we embrace that we are still learning. That's the journey. We point out areas where we can go. We commit to it and we laugh that we haven't realized it before."   Y'all, this interview was full of so much wisdom and laughter. I hope it was transformative for you. This episode is brought to you by AustinChanning Brown's discussion guide for her book I'm Still Here! Click here to access a free resource guide from Austin Channing Brown as well as well as some videos.How incredible?!  

This week, there's no guest. Just me. This is the first time I’ve done this on the podcast y’all. It feels vulnerable, but I woke up yesterday with this overwhelming sense that I wanted to share with you the greatest tool I have to tackle anxiety.     Do you ever get those nudges from deep down.  It’s like God is tapping you on the shoulder and nudging you forward, and you can’t ignore it?  Ya...that was me this week. I knew that I knew that I knew that I had to share with you about overcoming fear and anxiety as soon as possible.   ...All I can remember is this feeling of hot, burning tears squeezing out of my eyelids, and my cheek pressed to the cold tile of the bathroom floor.   It was my first anxiety attack.  I was in the middle of photographing a wedding when it hit me like a bus. Luckily I had an assistant photographer there to take over while I ran out of the reception.   God, what is going on with my body?   I felt so scared. I felt out of control.   It was that fight or flight response, but the thing is that I was not in a fight or flight situation. The cortisol rushed through my body and my body didn’t know how to handle it. I shut down.   You see our bodies are designed to heal us.  That fight or flight response is activated when our mind signals to our bodies there’s an emergency...call in the troops...sound the alarms. It’s the thing in us that jolts our body if we cross the street and almost get hit by a car and last minute jump out of the way.   But sometimes our fight or flight activates when we’re not in a life or death situation.  You see our bodies respond to our minds, and our minds respond to our thoughts.   There are a million ways to ease the symptoms of anxiety, but what is it that is causing these attacks? We have to dig deeper.     At that time, I would have told you that I believed God had a plan for me. But deep down? My core thought life believed:   If it was meant to me it was up to me. Other people won’t take care of me, I have to take care of myself. God probably wasn’t really listening to me. And if those things are true, then ya...a semi-stressful situation becomes overwhelming fast.   What are the limiting beliefs, fears, and lies...the thoughts maybe you’re even afraid to admit you have that are sparking fear and anxiety within you?   Here’s the thing, there’s hope because:   Light always overcomes darkness. And truth defeats fear.  ALWAYS. So pause. Take a deep breath in and out. Can you identify the fear? Can you replace it with something that is true? As you sit, take a moment to do this. Breathe in and breathe out longer. When we have longer exhales than inhales it physically communicates to our minds that we are safe.  It’s a pretty wild thing. Once again, our bodies designed to heal. One of the tools I turn to often when fear comes knocking is literally OUT LOUD speaking truth to myself. When I need truth spoken over to me, I turn to a poem written by Danielle Bennett.  I can’t even begin to tell you how much this woman and her words have brought life to my weary soul in my moments of need.   “She has seen a succulent survive enough times to know that she is much stronger than she thinks.”   Tune in to the episode to hear the full poem. Find what resonates with you. Share with me over at @therefinedcollective on Instagram. You are not alone on this journey. This episode is brought to you by the guide I made on moving through fear. You can find it over at www.therefinedwoman.com/freebie. XO, Kat  

  Kait Warman is an LA-based lifestyle blogger, inspirational speaker, creator of the podcast “The Heart of Dating”, and co-founder of the creative content company Kait Kat. She is a dear friend and single Christian woman. She is particularly focused on heartbreak and relationships.  And her mission is to empower women to have the courage to own their story, walk in victory, and thrive with purpose. Her hope is that the dating world will change. Today we talk all about navigating the world of dating as Christian women in 2018.   Dating Stories: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Kait tells me about her worst date.  She dressed up all fancy for their reservations at a nice Italian restaurant… and he was wearing gym shorts, Nike slides--you know the kind you wear in the shower, and wet hair.  Like did he forget they were going on a date, and remember when he was mid-shower? We talk about how men think women’s expectations are astronomical, but they really are not.  It’s the little things, and the thought and detail that matter. Whether a walk in the park with a coffee, or remembering something specific from a previous conversation and following-up on that.   “It doesn’t matter where your bank account is, it matters where your heart is.” “I want you to dress up however you like, and be ready for a surprise evening.” –the best date Kait has ever been on. (Of course I had to ask her what her best date was if I asked her what her worst date was). There was romantic jazz music, and a French restaurant involved, you guys. And then, they saw La La Land at the Hollywood Bowl with a live orchestra!!  All the feels y’all. She loves when a guy puts thought and research into a date, but recognizes it goes both ways. “We can also plan dates for guys.”     Drop the Hanky We talk about how women like to be pursued.  But also what it’s like to create space in an inviting and feminine way--not manipulative--to let a brotha know you’re interested. Back in the day, a woman would sit in a café, make eye contact with a man, and drop her hanky. This was an invitation for him to come pick it up.  It let him know she was interested in him. How can we practice droppin’ the hanky today ladies? Kait talks about the book How to get a Date Worth Keeping by Henry Cloud and being active in finding a man. “Girl, unless you’re going to be marrying the FedEx guy, God is not going to be dropping a man at your doorstep.” There are so many places to meet a guy, and you gotta to be open to it looking differently than you thought it would look for yourself. Aside from dating, just be open to small conversations with people in the name of being friendly and present. “We just want to be seen.” Practice the art of being curious. “There’s so much beauty in recognizing the value of people, even in small ways.”   The Heart of Dating, The Fear of Dating We all have rocky relationship pasts, but discussion of this came to the forefront of Kait’s life in the last few years. The Bible doesn’t have a lot to say about dating in particular.  But man does it have wisdom. We all need more resources and The Heart of Dating is that resource. “For me, what would be most impactful is just starting the conversation.” Kait recognizes that she has wrapped up her identity in past relationships, and she fears having that happen again. “My whole life battle and journey has been in seeking affirmation in men.” Recognizing fears is one thing, and moving through them is another. We can’t box up fear and let them sit in our minds.  They’ll just fester.   “That box is never going to disappear unless you sort through it and get rid of it.” She took the time to write out all of the lies she has been telling herself. Then, she replaced those lies with truths. She took control of her own healing. “God, I am going to reroute my thoughts. I am going to take every thought captive and make them obedient to you. I want to renew my thoughts.”     What She Has Learned We don’t have just one soul mate. Just think if one person in the whole of human existence made a mistake--the whole thing would crumble. The one becomes the one when we choose them, and then continue to choose them each day.  If you want to read more about this, read The Sacred Search by Gary Thomas. It’s important to recognize that we need to be using our time of singleness wisely. This is something we have learned through a mutual podcast guest, Jon Tyson! Give people an opportunity and step out of your comfort zones! Be open to God’s plans.   You can find Kait over at @kaitness and @heartofdating. Go start a conversation with her, friends!   Make sure to head over to iTunes to subscribe, rate, and review. It means the world! If you’ve already left a review, check out this episode to see if I read your review on air!   This episode is brought to you by ME! I made a guide with five days of meditation and prayer. This is our newest freebie so don’t miss out! You can find it at www.therefinedwoman.com/meditation. There is no right or wrong way to use this guide, no matter your faith or meditation experience.  

“She was powerful. Not because she wasn’t scared, but because she went on so strongly despite the fear.”-Atticus Pause and let that sink in. This episode, I am talking with Jessica Honegger, author of Imperfect Courage, the Going Scared Podcast, and the founder of Noon Day Collection. We’ll be talking about fear, something Jessica is well aquainted with. Put In the Effort   “Stop saying ‘it’s hard’. Start saying ‘it requires effort.’” Noonday started off as a side gig to raise funds to adopt their son. She was making handmade jewelry and before she knew it, she was running a business. “I’m waiting for this point of arrival where things are going to feel effortless, I guess.”   When you say something is hard, it puts you in a place of wishing for the past and simplicity instead of leading you forward. Coming back from vacation, she was on the home stretch of her book release, but she shifted her mindset away from the dread and toward the excitement by reminding herself that she chose this path. Using Your Voice We talk about how changing your language is the key to changing your mindset. You are not a victim of your circumstances. You have a say in how your life pans out. It’s key to personally find your own limiting beliefs, but also vocalize them with someone. She talks about her experience comparing herself to someone else in her area of work.   “This is basically jealousy and that’s not living my best life.” We talk about how bringing dark to light gives less power to the shame. (You can read more about this in her book!) Jessica acknowledges that it is completely normal to feel shame, so we can’t be afraid of bringing it to light.     Long Term Relationship With Fear   “There are times when fear has been in the driver seat of my life.” She recalls the moment she started getting serious about her business when somebody else wanted to put everything they had into helping her business. She was afraid that the success would be hard and having other people depend on her would be scary. “Success leads to responsibility and accountability.” She notes that it’s possible to fear success and failure at the same time. “I thought ‘I better wait until I’m not afraid.’ The life of fearlessness is a sham.” She shares that there is no such thing as getting around fear, the only way to approach it is to move through it. “Fear isn’t in the driver seat of my life. It’s at the back of a really long limo.” When you move through the fear, you make room for more connection with others in your life.     When What You Fear Happens We talk about the fact that sometimes what we fear does happen! And that is not the end of the world. The key is to not be afraid of letting it be our defining factor. “We need to identify where we are identifying value and worth from.” Take risks and don’t tie your identity to the outcome. Take a step back, and find the source of these fears and tell them, “you are disinvited from my party, you are no longer welcome.”   Embracing the ‘And’   You can have fear and have courage, work hard and rest hard. Too often we get caught up in the absolute and think we can only be one thing or the other. “You have an idealized version of yourself in your mind.” We will never have a life fully free of fear, free of jealousy, free of unhappiness, free of stress. Fear of not being enough will keep you locked up from all the happiness and success that awaits you. “We’re afraid if we’re going to stop being frantic we’re going to feel all of our feelings.”     We’ve only just scratched the surface, friends. To hear more about Jessica’s thoughts on this topic, you can read her new book! If you order her book today, it will get to you on August 14th. Get ordering!   This episode is brought to you by the free PDF guide called “Moving Through Fear.” It is full of resources that I hope will help guide you through rejecting the lies in your life and finding the truth.  

Johan Khalilian has been a dear friend for years, and today he is a guest on the podcast! He is a person who fights for truth, and there isn’t a complacent bone in his body.  He continually challenges himself and those around him to grow. He is a youth motivational speaker and has been for fifteen years. Today we’re talking about God, faith, and the deconstruction of sex.   Truth and Rebellion   “Seeing God clearly is the point of life.”   He decided early on that he was never going to drink alcohol or do drugs, because his uncle was an example of what that lifestyle looked like and he didn’t want that for himself.   He works to go against what others expect of him. “I think we all have a rebellious spirit in us.”   The key is to know when it is the time to rebel. Society labels things good or bad for us, but we need to learn to be comfortable enough in the grey area to determine our own good and bad.   “Truth is this thing we have to consistently be pursuing.”     The Superpower of Sex Seeing his uncle take advantage of women as a child, Johan decided at a young age that he wasn’t going to be a womanizer. He wanted sex to be meaningful. At the time it wasn’t a faith-based decision, but a pure act of rebellion. He now teaches abstinence in the faith-based framework.   “Wherever God is, I want to be.”   He opens up about his experience having sex for the first time--and the deconstruction after that.  The realization of how much of his identity was wrapped around his sex life--or lack there of. We acknowledge the fact that it is easy to feel shame when it comes to sexual desire, but that is not a healthy way to live.   When You Stray Johan has had rollercoaster relationships with women, and his decision to be abstinent. He found himself in places of pain, hurt, and lacking fulfillment.   “You just walk away still feeling alone.”   He recognized that sex does not provide intimacy to his relationship. He opens up about the thought that maybe he is going to be single his whole life, and what then?   Making Your Decision Sometimes you have to drop the “should” and “shouldn’t” and evaluate your decision on a deeper level. I connect this back to a story of the time I was confronted with the decision to smoke weed also.   We talk about how women and men experience the balance of relationships differently.     Johan is such a gift and I am so glad I had the opportunity to talk to him on the podcast. You can keep up with him on Instagram, or at his website, www.johanspeaks.com. I hope this helped give you insight into how variable the journey of abstinence can be. Remember, tribe, you are not alone in this!   This episode is brought to you by my very own PDF Guide called “While You Wait.” I made this resource guide to help guide others in their journey to wait to have sex until marriage. I remember feeling so lost on my “why” and these resources helped guide me toward it and I hope they can provide guidance for y’all too.   Friends, it would mean so much if you showed some love by subscribing, rating, and reviewing the podcast. Screenshot your review and DM it to me and I will give you a shoutout on Instagram! I appreciate you all so much.   XO, Kat  

How to be a Powerful Woman with Carmina Becerra PS You already are one. Usually I record podcasts remotely.  But this episode, I got to sit on Carmina Philipe’s couch with green smoothies in hand to talk about life, love, and everything that goes along with it. Carmina is a powerful woman.  She is the co-founder of Camera Ready, a media training company. Prior to this, she worked as a TV host on networks like Telemundo and Univision. She has interviewed people like David Beckham, Chris Martin, and Sophia Vergara, y’all! More recently, she has become a wife. Now, let’s dive into her journey there.   Rediscovering Herself Recently, she has gone on a journey of rediscovering loving her body today, not some future or past version of it.  And man it has been a journey. She talks about shifting from knowing to believing that she is a powerful woman.  It was easy to say that, but fear kept her from really owning it. After a lot of self-work she can now say about embracing herself as a powerful woman, “Now, I’m courageous enough to feel it.” “What’s important for me is how I feel and not how it looks on the outside.”   Freedom Begins with Structure As Carmina said, for the sake of taking a stand for her freedom she used to let her “freak flag fly”.  But now she is finding the beauty and freedom within structure. “There’s freedom in structure, and there’s freedom in integrity. I have never felt more free.” We talk about the safety and comfort of structure. The canvas for the painter is a boundary, a structure.  But it’s that boundary that creates the space to create freely. We need,structure to live. This relates to her former belief, out of fear, that monogamy was not for her.  It felt less risky to just not want marriage, because if it didn’t happen it was because she didn’t choose it.  It protected her from rejection--from the fear of not being chosen. But now she not only believes in the beauty and intimacy within the marriage relationship.  She herself is living that freedom in the structure of marriage with the man she loves.   Past Insecurities When she was little, she asked a boy to see a movie with her and he promptly told her she looked like a dog becsuse her skin was brown.  She decided to believe from that moment that she wasn’t good enough. Over the years she found herself in relationships where she was cheated.  Looking back on her past she asked herself “how did I create that?”, and realized, “We are treated (by others), the way we treat ourselves”. She kept her relationships surface level, having sex with men but pretending to be perfect. “I wouldn’t let them see my vulnerability or my insecurities or my fears.” Her mother always taught her that strength was found in hiding your sadness, fear, and insecurities. “I was so fearful of that type of love, the love that I have now.” "He gets to see parts of me that I so dislike and he loves them.”   Shifting the Narrative When she was in high school, she had such feelings of unworthiness that she decided to attempt suicide. Her mother found her in time, and she was able to come back from that experience. “God wanted me to be here, so what is that purpose then?” She dove into self-discovery books, found a great mentor in a nun and got into music and sports. “I matter. I matter because I have something to give.” From there, she decided to live and work in the service of others. She tries to always remain a student and learn something new. Every day, she is choosing integrity and grace.   If you find yourself giving in to fears and insecurities, “Interrupt it. Choose something else.”   I am so excited I got to share Carmina with y’all. Here is where you can keep up with her. She is on Instagram and Facebook as @coachcarmina and @camerareadynow. Camera Ready is taking on new clients so if you’d like to get in touch with her, email her at [email protected].   If you would like to become a patron of The Refined Collective Podcast, I would be so grateful. You can pledge as little as $5 a month! You can sign up here: https://www.patreon.com/therefinedcollective.   This episode is brought to you by the free PDF guide called “Moving Through Fear.” It is full of resources that I hope will help guide you through rejecting the lies in your life and finding the truth. You can find it at http://www.therefinedwoman.com/freebie/   Links: Coach Carmina Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Coachcarmina/?ref=br_rs Coach Carmina Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/coachcarmina/ Camera Ready Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/camerareadynow/ Camera Ready Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/camerareadynow/ The Refined Collective Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/therefinedcollective PDF Guide Moving Through Fear: http://www.therefinedwoman.com/freebie/  

Love + Football:  Female Empowerment in a Male Dominated Industry with Samantha Ponder This week, I am talking to Samantha Ponder, the Sunday NFL Countdown host on ESPN. Y’all.  She is the first female host of an NFL pregame show. She lives in New York City with her husband Christian, whom she married after three months of dating, and they have their third child on the way! This episode, I talk with her about how she got to where she is in her career, what it’s like being in a male dominated industry, and how she navigates marriage with her husband of five years.   Taking A Chance and Putting in the Work Right after high school graduation, Sam moved to New York to pursue her dream. “I didn’t know anybody, I had a couple credit cards with $250 maximums and some Wendy’s coupons and I figured it out.” She credits her internship experiences as her ticket into a difficult and intimidating industry. Every single one of her ‘all of a sudden’ moments was born out of hard work and dedication.   Battling Insecurity Achievement doesn’t solve all of life’s problems y’all. Before she got married, she thought marriage- someone choosing you for forever- would eliminate any insecurity. Through her own marriage, she learned that that’s an unhealthy pressure to put on anyone let alone her husband. She finds that insecurities allow for connection with others, and let’s be real, nobody is perfect and even if there were such a thing, how isolating would that be?   Woman in a Man’s World Sam notes that sometimes women will try to act like men  in order to work in a male dominated field, but it’s a flawed idea. “We want to be empowered and independent and strong. We want all of those things but not at the risk of losing our ability to connect with other people.” She notes that coaches have been warm because of her feminine ability to connect with others. When faced with criticism, she remembers an important piece of advice: “The only thing that should really keep you up at night is if something has some truth to it.”   Love and Basketball Football Sam’s love story began when NFL quarterback and now-husband Christian tweeted her! (Social media for the win!) They met for the first time in September, and got married in December. In those few months, they were living in different states and would only see each other one day a week. Five years in, and with their third child on the way, Sam has learned a lot about love. She notes that they were both selfish when they met. “What I didn’t realize is so much of love is self-sacrifice.” She now realizes all of the work that is necessary. “The goal should not be comfort. Comfort is boring. Let’s get messy. Let’s work through our insecurities.”   Sam has accomplished so much already in her life, and is so very wise. Looking back, she wishes she had slowed down a bit and appreciated the quiet moments. I am so grateful I got to talk with this inspiring woman. I’ll leave you with some of her advice.   “Enjoy the process, Embrace the struggle, Don’t be afraid to be sad.”   This episode is brought to you by The Flourish Market.  The Flourish Market is a place where every product has a bigger purpose, and you can snag ethically made on trend clothes, jewelry, bags, and accessories at accessible price points, all while supporting the causes you care about.   Visit www.theflourishmarket.com/refinedcollective, and you're going to find 5 fun resources from owner Em to help you 'fill your cup,' along with a special discount code you can use on your first purchase.  Thanks Flourish Market!   Links: Sam Ponder Instagram Sam Ponder Twitter  

If you’re ever looking for an excuse to sit and talk with the people you most admire, start a podcast. This week I am talking to the amazing impact entrepreneur, Liz Bohannon. She lives in Portland, Oregon but her reach extends across continents. She is the Co-Founder and CEO of Sseko Designs, an ethical fashion brand. The amazing thing is that they work directly with women in East Africa and help a lot of them earn money to go to college.   Sisterhood of the Traveling Kaftan Liz and I met at the Wild Hearts Conference. When we were in the green room backstage, I literally asked her if I could try on the dress she was wearing. Yes, that was the start of our friendship. I never thought a kaftan would look good on me, but it did! And this dress fits all sizes from 0 to 16. How incredible is that? “I didn’t think I was going to kaftan evangelize, at least not this early in the podcast.”   Enneagram Insights Is anyone else obsessed with personality tests?? We come to the conclusion that if you’re a bit uncomfortable with your enneagram score, it means you probably got the right score.  Wanna know what numbers Liz and I are? You gotta listen to the episode! Enneagrams help Liz to recognize everyone’s unique contributions to this complex world we live in. “I am delighted by difference.”   Growing Community   “Come be a part of what we’re doing, but don’t do it out of pity or charity. Do it out of a sense of camaraderie and excitement about the future that we’re building together.”Sseko Designs has a Fellow program where people in the United States can be involved with the brand by hosting events and representing Sseko in their own community. Liz found that there was a need for opportunity for women in the United States as well as East Africa. Recently Sseko Designs brought 10 United States Fellows to Uganda. The women of Sseko and the fellows got a chance to share their stories with one another. How powerful is that? “You’re not going on a mission trip, you are going to meet your colleagues that are alongside of you and that are co-creating a brighter future with you.” Liz is constantly asking herself, “Are we doing this in a way that is consistent, true to the core of our mission, and our why?”   For those of you who are inspired by what you’ve learned here today, you can make a difference. Liz loves to see inspired women inspire other women. It starts a chain of fulfillment and passion for life. “If she can do it, why can’t I?” I hope you’re feeling as absolutely inspired as I am. Liz is such a genuine soul and I had so much fun talking with her. If you enjoyed this episode, I want to invite you to subscribe, rate, and review the podcast. It would mean so much! This episode is brought to you by the free PDF guide called “While You Wait.” It is full of resources that I personally found to be very helpful while I was finding my ‘why’ behind waiting until marriage to have sex. XO, Kat Harris Links: Sseko Designs Website Sseko Deigns Fellow Program Sseko Designs Kaftan ‘Meet the Women’ Sseko Deisngs Instagram  

When I stumbled, I stumbled not backward, but forward. So when I fell, I fell into grace. --Morgan Harper Nichols   Poet Morgan Harper Nichols speaks the words that my heart doesn’t know it’s trying to say.   On a whim I reached out to one of my favorite poets, Morgan Harper Nichols, to be on The Refined Collective Podcast. When she replied yes, I was OVER THE MOON!   She writes poetry that I’m sure you’ve seen, even if you didn’t realize it. She also spent time as a touring musician and collaborates with her sister on songs that have found success on Spotify and at the Grammys! This episode, we dive deeper than her achievements and I get to know Morgan, her doubts, and her dreams. Now it’s your turn to get to know her.   Pushing Through the Pushback “A lot of the things I am interested in come from a place of curiosity.” As a creative, she saw fellow creatives around her moving through their careers and lives with confidence, something she didn’t feel she had. “God gave me these gifts to create things and be creative but at the same time I didn’t feel as dynamic or interesting.”   Through all of this there is one major pushback: doubt, the universe’s way of speaking lies over her truth. One of her major doubts is in her compatibility with her passion. She is not always open about her feelings and finds that she needs to think through feelings before she can express them. Beyond all of this, being self-employed can be scary. This idea that it could all disappear in a moment is something I can relate to completely. She doesn’t let these fears slow her down. “There’s more to the story. There’s a reason you’ve made it this far.”     Intentional Pursuit of the Dream Social media became popular when she was in her late teens and it gave her an outlet for when insecurity and doubt felt overwhelming. She is very intentional about her social media use and it makes all the difference when these platforms can be draining. “I go to share first, and then I consume.” She never goes on Instagram when she has free time to spend. She goes on to share and, when she needs it, to look at a collection she has of posts that inspire her. “There is nothing wrong with dreaming.” She keeps her dreams unattached to people or places. She focuses on her vision for herself and the way she contributes to the world.   Serving Others to Find Yourself She started writing poems directed specifically to individuals who had reached out for them. Looking back at those poems, she found pieces of herself hidden in them. “Oh wow, that was for me all along.” Working through her emotions is always a process, but serving others has helped her find the words. It’s important to sometimes just pause and listen to others. “I pay attention to what stands out to me, it’s typically telling me something about myself.” She often looks to the past as well. She recognizes that memories that stick out in her mind from childhood are sticking out in her mind for a reason all these years later. They all hold meaning. “I have such a passion for memory.”   Looking back at her younger self, she has a bit of advice. “She doesn’t have to be someone else’s version of interesting in order to show up and be comfortable in the world.”     Morgan’s Favorite Things Instagram has opened her eyes to the beauty that is storefronts. “There is this whole world of people who just really love looking at storefronts and I guess I have joined them.” (If you’re into storefronts, she recommends the account @storefrontcollective) Google Home was a present from her parents and she uses it all the time, including having it read out information about canyons. iPhone photography is a newfound passion. “This device can do more than respond to texts and answer emails.”   “Wherever you are, you are still free to make the most of every single day.” Go out and use your gifts, tribe. I am so grateful for Morgan and I hope you enjoyed this episode. Go find her on Instagram and send her a message; she loves starting conversations with you! XO, Kat Harris Links: Morgan Harper Nichols’s website: https://morganharpernichols.com/ Morgan Harper Nichols’s Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/morganharpernichols/?hl=en Storefront Collective Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/storefrontcollective/?hl=en Google Home: https://store.google.com/us/product/google_home?hl=en-US  

I'm still blown away by how many of you have emailed and asked me questions about my story on waiting until marriage to have sex.  In order to serve you better, this week I am talking with Church of the City New York pastor, Jon Tyson.  And yes, he’s our very first man on our podcast! (No pressure Jon!) We talk about the cultural landscape of sexuality in Western culture, and how we got here.  From the sexual revolution, to pornography, to online dating, to sex--we cover a lot of ground. We land on Jon describing what it looks like to develop a Christian vision for sexuality. Y’all might want to grab a journal and pen for this one!   ‘Who Am I Becoming By What I Am Doing?’ “Sex is a powerful force, and how we use it shapes us tremendously.” Jon asks why we as a society date people we know we don’t actually like. Is it because we lack a vision for our love life?   Developing a New Vision for Christian Sexuality   Sex points beyond itself.   Jon teaches that sex points beyond the physical to our deep longing to be apart of something great than ourselves, outside of ourselves--to be full known, seen, and accepted.   Vision of Holistic Integration.   Culture is obsessed with sex and technique.  Yet the Christian worldview is that of holistically integrating relationship, intimacy, heart, soul, mind, and strength.     Sex is Tied to Our Transformation.   Saying no to something we want in the moment has the capacity to produce deep growth within us through developing self-control, respect, and learning to think of others.  Saying no to sex outside of marriage develops our character, and leads to the Christian idea of sacrificial love.   A Witness to the World.   Christian sexuality has the opportunity to offer a redemptive narrative in a world of hurt and brokenness.  Why? Because God is a restorer; it’s what He does.   Jon’s Favorite Resources There is so much to explore about this topic, so Jon is sharing a few of his favorite resources for y’all! Divine Sex by Jonathan Grant. He warns that it’s very heavy and philosophical. I am currently reading it and love it! Love Thy Body by Nancy Pearcey talks all about why our bodies matter. The final book he recommends is A Better Story by Glynn Harrison. I hope y’all enjoyed this episode as much as I did. Our first-ever male podcast guest! If you enjoyed this episode, let me know. Screenshot you listening to it and share it with me on Instagram stories. I want to talk with you! Remember, tribe, you are not alone in this and God has a plan for you. If you want more, I have something you’ll love. I made a free PDF guide called “While You Wait” full of resources that I personally found to be very helpful while I was finding my ‘why.’ You can find it at therefinedwoman.com/freebie. XO, Kat Links: Jon Tyson’s Instagram  Church of the City Website  Church of the City Instagram While You Wait PDF Guide SaveSave SaveSave

It was a gift to interview the wonderful photographer and business strategist for creative entrepreneurs, Jasmine Star, this week for the podcast. She dives into the process of dropping out of law school to pursue her dreams and how she became a photographer and business strategist. She opens up about how her intentional career pivots as a small business owner that got her to where she is today, how she strategized, chased her why, and how she created the life she wanted to live. She has an infectious energy and passion that I cannot wait to share with y’all. Straying From ‘Safe’ Jasmine’s father emigrated from Mexico, and her mother moved to mainland United States from Puerto Rico. She was homeschooled throughout childhood, but through academic scholarships, she was able to go to college and major in business administration, then go on to law school. As a first generation college grad, she had placed a pressure on herself to follow this path. When Jasmine was 25, her mom had a cancer relapse. Not only did her mother make it through this relapse (she is alive and well today), but this also made Jasmine think long and hard about what she wanted her life to look like and law school wasn’t a part of it. “It was leaving me vacant. I wasn’t living my truth… I am destined and called to do things other than be on the safe path.” Pivoting Toward Success When she envisioned the perfect day, she thought of photography, yoga, interviewing, and writing. She had been limiting herself to what she saw others doing. When she realized this, she decided to pursue her perfect day and perfect life. “I never gave myself the opportunity to verbalize what it is that I wanted because in my mind it didn’t exist.” She started a photography business with her husband and they experienced such great success that she felt they had no more room to grow or challenge themselves so she pivoted again. Chasing Your ‘Why’ Jasmine recalls a quote from Taylor Swift: “When you’re chasing two rabbits, you miss them both.” She took this and applied it to her career. She and her husband took a yearlong sabbatical from the photography business and planned a strategic risk to jump into business strategy. As a business strategist, Jasmine is serving others. We talk about the balance between serving others while also being a smart entrepreneur and came to the conclusion that it’s not a balance; they are one and the same. Jasmine is living her mission: “Empowering the perceived underdogs to pursue their wild and crazy dreams, to build a business they love, and a life that makes them proud.”   Jasmine’s Favorite Things She’s tried pretty much every plant-based cleanse out there and she is obsessed. It involves eating plant-based foods for three days every three weeks. She loves the one from Nutrivenience because it is Cali-based and they deliver right to your doorstep. Hot yoga done to hip hop music. Incredible, right? “Ice-T really gets you going in the morning.” Proud Mary Coffee- they roast their beans in Australia! Looking back, she wishes she invested in herself and got guidance in the form of mentorship, coaching, or masterminds sooner. Now, she is the person giving guidance to those who need it and making businesses all over thrive. “Take bigger risks; jump and the net will appear.”   I’m so grateful to Jasmine for sharing her heart and hope y’all learned as much as I did! This episode is possible because of all of our patreons! If you would like to sign up to pledge monthly donations to help make The Refined Collective Podcast continue and grow, I would be so grateful. You can pledge as little as $5 a month! XO, Kat Links: Jasmine Star’s Website: https://jasminestar.com/ Jasmine Star’s Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jasminestar/ Nutrivenience: https://www.nutrivenience.net/order/three-day-cleanse Proud Mary Coffee: https://proudmarycoffee.com/ The Refined Collective Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/therefinedcollective/memberships   SaveSave

Bethany is the founder of Primally Pure, a small business and brand based out of wine country California.  They creates toxin-free and completely natural skincare products. We met each other the Jenna Kutcher Mastermind that I'm in this year, and I was so inspired by her business. Bethany built her business from the ground up.  And while there is no formula to success there is one secret from Bethany's experience that will propel you forward:  invest into your success In this episode, she opens up about every aspect of her business, from how she got her start to how much growth she experienced over the years. Planting the Seed Bethany and her husband both had 9-5 jobs, but he spontaneously decided to start a farm one day. They began selling their food, quit their 9-5 jobs, and moved in with his family while they built their business. Investing in Success Six months in to launching the business, they rebranded and began hiring employees for Primally Pure. After hiring their first full time employee, Bethany felt committed to the business’s success. With the help of employees, she was also able to take time off after giving birth to her daughter, June. “I just went for it, and I’m glad I did. I couldn’t imagine it any other way.” Surrendering to the Process At the start of Primally Pure, there were only four products sold: deodorant, lip balm, body butter, and outdoor lotion. Three and a half years later, Primally Pure offers over thirty products, including three of the original products (deodorant, lip balm, and body butter). “I’m still leading the charge in that area but I have a lot of help now. I have a team of 13 and they’re amazing.” Bethany’s passion for health and wellness shines through in everything she does and I hope the way she opened up about her process as a business owner was able to open up your eyes to the fact that we all have small beginnings.  But that doesn’t mean we won’t find success.  “Trust in the Lord with your dreams every step of the way and He’ll make them bigger than you could ever imagine them to be,” Bethany says. This episode is possible because of all of our patreons! If you would like to sign up to pledge monthly donations to help make The Refined Collective Podcast continue and grow, I would be so grateful. You can pledge as little as $5 a month! Be sure and subscribe, rate + review us on iTunes!  It'd mean so much to us! XO, Kat Harris

Back in January, I was on The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey podcast. As her guest, I reflect on old jobs, old perspectives, and old heartache. It was the first time I did a podcast interview about my choice to remain celibate until marriage, and what that journey looks like for me. Ever since that episode aired, I have received over a thousand messages from people curious about my decision and my thoughts on dating, relationships, and sex. As more and more of you are expressing an interest in my sex--or sexless--life, I thought I would give you the opportunity to revisit it! “God’s timing is different from ours.” When relationships don’t work out, our first reaction is to be disappointed. But there are several relationships that I look back on and thank God it didn’t go anywhere. My girlfriends and I often say, “Rejection is protection” because the relationships that don’t work out can open you up to be ready for a relationship that will be the one you deserve.   “I know I would rather be single than with a man who’s not a good fit for me.” Choosing not to have sex until I’m married is a decision I made when I was young. Now, as a 32-year-old living in New York, it can feel like God is testing me. I won’t lie, there were a few times I wanted to abandon my commitment and came close to it. Some things I remind myself of are the fact that sex would cloud my judgment. There are some relationships where it felt like all we had was physical attraction and intimacy. But that can’t hold a relationship, especially if you get married, have kids, and go through phases of not having that physical intimacy. Sustainable transformation Beyond this, I talk with Jamie about how I made practical changes in my life for my health and happiness, like getting sleep and taking time for myself once in a while. Too often we think we have to do it 100% or not at all, but that keeps us from change and progress. We have to be patient and intentional in the pursuit of our goals. Don’t compare your journey to someone else’s. We are all in process and that is okay. Changing the dialogue The Refined Woman was created five years ago while I was shooting runway.  While reflecting on this with Jamie, I remember a model coming up to me after a shoot and thanking me for simply asking her name. I remember thinking “What does it look like to offer a different dialogue in an industry that says I matter because of what I do, my status, the power I do or do not have.” Five years into changing this dialogue, I am grateful for the tribe it has created. I hope this was informative for you no matter what your choices are or what your faith is. I’ll be working on more content related to my journey for y’all. Thanks for listening, tribe. This episode was sponsored by Jamie Ivey's Podcast The Happy Hour.  Each week she interviews a women of faith, living a purposeful life.  Subscribe to her podcast here + find her on instagram here! Thanks, Happy Hour! PS Photo c/o Sara Kerens XO, Kat Harris   SaveSave SaveSave

Komal Minhas is a first generation Indian-Canadian immigrant who, in just the past two years, was invited to the White House to premier her documentary ‘Dream, Girl,’ was named one of Oprah’s Supersoul 100, and was on the cover of Power & Influence Magazine. Her passion is fostering the advancement of women and girls, especially women and girls of color. We got so lost in our conversation that we hardly got past the first question. There is just so much to share! We Are Not Invincible Right at the time when all of these tremendous accomplishments were happening in her life, she was hit with a diagnosis of a rare form of melanoma and the subsequent surgeries needed to remove it. As a first generation immigrant and woman of color, Komal has always felt the need to push through everything, but this was not something she could push through on her own. Komal opens up about her vertigo and partial vision loss she woke up with one morning and talks about her healing process. “There Were Whispers” Looking back, she sees warning signs that she was on her way to that breaking point. “I had developed a version of myself that only knew how to run.” She sees connections back to her past, including witnessing abuse and violence as she was growing up. She recognizes that she can’t place blame on herself for any of it. “ I did not do this to myself, but I can recover from it in the ways I can.” The Healing Process We talk a lot about something that I relate to personally: the connection between the physical, spiritual, and emotional health. Komal found healing by practicing self-care: meditation, using a mindset coach, and seeing her doctors. “Doing the really tough things that build a strong foundation in our lives, within which, once that’s done, facials and manicures can actually make you feel good.” We discuss the idea of cutting out the bad in life. While that’s a good practice, you have to make sure to have the hard conversations where needed. She emphasizes that you have to allow your self to feel all of your feelings (especially the bad ones), because they are valid and you need to understand them in order to move through them. “What different perspectives can we give to the memories that are haunting us?” Thanks for listening, tribe. This episode was sponsored by our very own Patreon Tribe!  You can join our Podcast Tribe at www.patreon.com/therefinedcollective and support our Podcast for as little as $5/month with first access to the podcast! XO, Kat Harris

In this episode, I am talking with the wonderful Chinae Alexander. She’s a Brooklyn-based entrepreneur, lifestyle personality, writer, speaker, wellness expert, and YouTuber who is currently in the process of writing a book and creating a podcast. Chinae opens up about failure, vulnerability, and self-love in this episode and I cannot wait for you to hear what she has to say. People as Motivation Chinae grew up an only child and moved often. As a result, she learned how to have real conversations with adults and confidently step into a room where she knows nobody. As an adult, she is fascinated by others’ stories and passionate about telling those stories, establishing empathy, and working things out together. “ People tell me things and want to talk to me about their lives and they want to listen about my life and we get to share this stuff in a world that so greatly wants us to push each other away.” The Power of Vulnerability Chinae encourages everyone to realize that from vulnerability comes strength. “Exchanging stories in this world is a powerful thing.” We talk about the #MeToo campaign, something Chinae inspired me to use my voice in. It’s important to share your stories no matter how insignificant they may seem to you. People need to know they aren’t alone. Chinae shares a slash & burn analogy with me as we talk about how sometimes you need to experience destruction in order to regrow. Self-Love Over Body Positivity Chinae was overweight throughout college and held so much confidence during that time. Out of an appreciation for herself, she got into fitness. However, once she got into the best shape she had ever been in, she felt that confidence leave her. “ I don’t need to gain the weight back, but I need to get the mindset back.” She expresses that 24/7 body positivity just isn’t realistic. We should instead strive for self love, and we show ourselves some grace in the moments we aren’t feeling positive. “It doesn’t make you a failure if you aren’t positive about your body all the time.” Chinae leads as a person through encouraging people to live their lives, use their voices, tell their stories, and foster understanding. I’ll leave you with some advice she would share with her younger self: “Consistently press into being good” and “Your plan is not yours.” Thanks for listening, tribe. This episode was sponsored by Branch Basics, a brand created by women with the goal of revolutionizing the home with non-toxic cleaning products. These products bring simplicity and functionality into your life and I’m all about that. They gave me a special code to share with you for 20% off your first order: (refinedcollective). Thanks, Branch Basics! XO, Kat Harris       SaveSave

"My vision in life is to meet women in their most insecure moments and flip that script for them," says Emily Sexton.  She went into college wanting to be a backup dancing for Britney Spears, went to work at a Swiss investment bank after graduation, and is a successful female entrepreneur. Her boutique, The Flourish Market, features products made from artisans all over the world. A 2 a.m. Pinterest scroll sparked the idea for a fashion truck or a “boutique on wheels,” and now she has a Flourish Market shop in Raleigh, North Carolina where this amazing lady is living her message. Emily has artisans from all over the world sell their products through Flourish Market, some are from third-world countries.  Her hope is that these women in the first-world can learn from the women in the third-world countries represented in her shop. She remembers opening Flourish Market on Black Friday and not having any discounts, but having women buy products anyway.  She says, “Women aren’t necessarily looking for deals; they’re looking for a purpose.”   This episode is possible because of all of our patreons! If you would like to sign up to pledge monthly donations to help make The Refined Collective Podcast continue and grow, I would be so grateful. You can pledge as little as $5 a month! XO, Kat Harris    

The Refined Collective is back this week with the lovely Joanne Encarnacion. She is a wife, mother of two, and editor and founder of gofitjo.com, a blog dedicated to redefining health and wellness, and it a newly integrative health and life coach. You guys, Arianna Huffington named her one of San Francisco’s top 20 wellness role models. How amazing is that? In this episode we get real about moving through struggles both within and with others, and body diversity. Joanne talks about how she felt the need to prove herself as an adult in this world because she was a mother at 21. “I was trying to find my self-worth in this space called the universe.” I’m going to leave you with something Jo said that is just so powerful: “The moment that we are able to give space for others to really just be- and I don’t want to say ‘be themselves’ because people are still trying to figure out what that is- but just to be, just to feel as if they can take up space in the world, we would all be able to live relentlessly.” I mean, how great is that? You’re here and you’re worthy. Joanne has so much more goodness to share.  Check out the episode and let us know what you think!  And thank you to White Rabbit NY for sponsoring this episode of The Refined Collective Podcast.  And to our Patreon Supporters thank you for being on the journey with us! XO, Kat Harris  

This week I’m talking to my longtime friend from Dallas, Lauren Scruggs Kennedy, who now lives in Los Angeles with her husband, Jason. Lauren has a lifestyle brand with an intentional social strategy.  She focuses on her health and wellness journey, personal development, faith, and navigating marriage. The First Steps to Wellness Lauren has been on a journey of recovery after an accident involving an airplane propeller back in 2011 that left her with one eye and one arm. She learned to say no to outings without feeling the pressure to people-please. Instead, she takes the time to intentionally think on if she has the time. The Learning Curve of Marriage She gets real about the conflicts that happen in marriage. She and Jason had productive fights, but she had to learn how to open up about her struggles and frustrations, particularly regarding her accident because when the accident happened she didn’t know Jason. In a way, this made her relive the struggle. I can’t talk about this episode without mentioning the advice Lauren would give her younger self, because this is advice for her younger self, your younger self, and all of our present selves. “Live fully in who you are.” Thanks for tuning in! This episode was sponsored by Branch Basics, a brand created by women with the goal of revolutionizing the home with non-toxic cleaning products. These products bring simplicity and functionality into your life and I’m all about that. What’s amazing is you use one product to create everything from hand soap to laundry detergent. They gave me a special code to share with you for 20% off your first order: (refinedwoman). Thanks, Branch Basics!    

On this first episode of The Refined Collective podcast, I welcome Nikia Phoenix--founder of Black Girl Beautiful, content creator and model--to leave the pressure to be perfect at the door and have a meaningful dialogue with me, and all of you. She’s talking with me from sunny Los Angeles where the birds are chirping loud enough for us to hear. Her love for others radiates from everything she does, including Black Girl Beautiful—her love letter to women of African descent. We talk about moving through anxiety and healing community.  One of the most profound moments of the episode was when we transitioned into talking about race.  Nikia says, “When it comes to talking about race, we don’t want to offend. We are so PC that instead of actually opening up and saying something that may be a bit off, we just don’t say it it all. And in not saying it we’re missing a teachable moment.” I am so honored to have shared this episode with Nikia Phoenix and hope you have enjoyed listening.