Episode 15 - The Mash Things move apace.  Penny tries to mash herself into the boom chute, Gina talks mashed potatoes, something else ends up sort of mashed, and Tunis put the mash on Linda.... And a black leather catsuit.

Episode 14 - Small Terminations Legs.  Guns.  More flashbacks.  An end.  A beginning.

Episode 13 - Boom Chute Can Penny get back in the vents? Can Linda get on Tunis' good side?  Does he have a good side? Will the Professor set Shaboo's pants on fire? And what will happen to the new Starrrrrrrettttte?

Episode 12 - Unstoppable Linda has left the studio....  and found another one. Gina finds something she hasn't seen in years, too... And who knows what's happening to Shaboo?

Episode 11 - Captivate Everyone just gets carried away.....

Episode 10 - Poetry in Motion Time to drop hands and change partners - do-si-do. And a new player hits the field.

Episode 9 - Rude Awakening Things spiral out of control on the air, and into a dither in the outland.

(19 Nocturne reissue of the day) A tragic death.  A tragic memory.  A tragic turn of events.

(19 Nocturne reissue of the day)   Linda and Penny escape? What about Gary? The ever-hard-to-describe story continues...

(19 Nocturne reissue of the day) Linda returns from the Red Zone.... but things have not gone well.

"Let Bingo Out" The fate of a favorite.

It's episode 256 - again.  And again.  And again. What's behind the magic door?

Episode 3 "Talent Show" It's all for the children.  And... where do all the old Starrettes go?

"Liberate" A new Starrette.  And an old one.  And one other...  "Star Crunch - Star Crunch! Eat it for breakfast, eat it for lunch!" Written on a sort of dare from the never-to-be-forgotten Bill Hollweg, the entire 30 script arc was written in about a month, and made... well... more slowly.

And the saga begins.... BINGO THE BIRTHDAY CLOWN Episode 1, "Before". Before what?  Just "before". Music by Project System 12   The Cult Classic from 19 Nocturne Boulevard.  Sort of like Howdy Doody and The Prisoner had a thalidomide lovechild. Try it.........  join us........

PromEvil part 4, "Home Before Curfew" See who lives, who dies, and who finds romance at the Polk High prom, in this, the final installment...   A lot of people put their heart and soul into producing this memorable event: STUDENTS Hal - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Lyn - Molly Tollefson Todd - Eli Nilsson Gee - Melissa Bartell Barb - Beverly Poole Andy - Mike Campbell Bud - Jasper Loovis Tina - Chandra Wade Missy - Jade Thomson Jake - Michael Faigenblum other students - Sky Iolta, Shelbi MacIntyre, Henry Mark FACULTY Principal Peabody - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mr. Ervin Carpel, Woodshop - Gene Thorkildsen Ms. Angela Wellesly, Crafts - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Mrs. Snodgrass, Lunchroom - Robyn Keyes P.A. Announcements - Julie Hoverson Rent-a-cop Bob - The Caretaker OTHERS Cop 1 - Glen Hallstrom Cop 2 - Joel Harvey 911 Voice - Julie Hoverson STAFF Writer - Julie Hoverson Doll Wranglers - Julie Hoverson, Kimberly Poole (Warp'd Space) Sound and Mastering - Julie Hoverson Stock sound effects - Soundsnap.com; sonomic.com Music - Prom - Sinkhole Music - background - Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) ________________________________________________________________   Prom Evil PART 4   1. Craft shop SOUND          [under] POUNDING INSIDE THE KILN LYN            Hal? HAL            It's just a scratch.  I really thought the heavy foam of the Polky would-- LYN            Well, it didn't!  I need something-- SOUND          TEARING FABRIC GEE            It's not sterile, but this muslin's better than nothing.  You'll have to wrap it-- SOUND          [DISTANT] GUN SHOT ANDY           Holy shit! BARB           [gaspy scream] ANDY           Ow.  Okay, okay - lighten up there!  you're Choking me, babe!  Let go!  BARB           I'm being vulnerable, dammit!  Appreciate it! HAL            Whatever else that shot means, there's someone else in the school.  So the door must be open again. ANDY           I'll check the hall. SOUND          FEET AND HAND TRUCK, DOOR LYN            This really needs proper attention. HAL            When we get out.  BARB           [interrupting] WHEN we get out?  Don't you mean IF we get out? MUSIC   2. punchbowl AMB            GYM PEABODY        Miss Harrison, have you seen Bob? ANGELA         Not since he went to check out the school.  He was going to try and find Marge. PEABODY        The school?  It's locked. ANGELA         Well, that's apparently debatable. MUSIC   3. hallway SOUND          STRIKER CLICKS, TORCH LIGHTS SOUND          WALKING, WITH HAND TRUCK ANDY           Stay behind me, babe. BARB           Well, duh. LYN            Tsk. SOUND          GUN SHOT [Everyone reacts at roughly the same time.] ANDY           Shit! HAL            Holy crap! LYN            Oh. My. God. TODD           [gasped] Laurel? SOUND          FIVE MORE SHOTS BARB           Fuck this! GEE            Wow! SOUND          FEET POUNDING, HAND TRUCK ROLLING FAST BARB           Andy!  God! HAL            Don't!  Shit.  Stay together. SOUND          HAL LIMPING, RUNNING AFTER ANDY LYN            Hal! MUSIC   4. outside gym AMB            OUTSIDE, RAIN SOUND          MUSIC STILL AUDIBLE FROM DANCE SOUND          CLICK TO TALK NOISE PEABODY        Bob?  Where in hell are you, you moron? MUSIC   5. hallway SOUND          [close] STABBING NOISE BOB            [DEATH RATTLE] PEABODY        [on talkie] Bob?  I don't care if you're-- SOUND          BUTTON IS PUSHED, MACHINE CUTS OUT LEDERHOSEN GUY  [chuckles] SOUND          RUNNING FEET AND HAND TRUCK APPROACH ANDY           [off, barely winded] Holy shit!  HAL            [off, gasping]  Rent-a-cop Bob! LEDERHOSEN GUY  [eager noise] SOUND          DOLL FEET RUN AT THEM ANDY           Shiiiiiit! SOUND          TURNS UP THE FLAME HAL            What're you doing?  Get back here! ANDY           No.  This little shit's going down! SOUND          ROAR OF FIRE HAL            Got him! ANDY           Die, fucker! SOUND          BURNING CRACKLING WOOD LEDERHOSEN GUY  [chuckling] SOUND          WOODEN FEET RUN, DRAGGING KNIFE HAL            It's not stopping!!!  Come on! SOUND          LIMPING RUNNING FEET ANDY           [frozen] What the fuck, man!  What the fuck? SOUND          FLAMING WOOD HITS THE METAL CYLINDER ANDY           Shit!  Get off the tank you little-- SOUND          METAL ON METAL LEDERHOSEN GUY  [chuckles, but losing to the flame a little] HAL            [distant] Andy! Just drop it! SOUND          METAL CLANG, GAS HISS, EXPLOSION ANDY           [Screams] HAL            [distant] Noooooooo! MUSIC   6. gym AMB            GYM SOUND          FIRE ALARM GOES OFF. SOUND          MUSIC TAPERS OUT CROWD          [uncertain what to do] PEABODY        [annoyed] Give me strength. SOUND          QUICK FOOTSTEPS, STATIC SQUAWK PEABODY        [on P.A.] Do not panic.  Until you are informed otherwise, assume this is a false alarm.  I'll personally go and check into this.  Again, until I return and inform you that this is an actual emergency, please assume it is some idiot playing a dangerous, unfunny joke. SOUND          APPLAUSE MUSIC   7. hallway SOUND          SPRINKLERS, ALARMS SOUND          DISTANT SIZZLING BARB           [hysterical] I never thought I'd be glad to hear a fire alarm!  The firemen'll save us! LYN            The water's already putting it out. TODD           Which one was that?  Did you see? HAL            Which what?  TODD           [fierce] which doll, dammit? HAL            I just saw a pointy hat. TODD           Oh.  OK.  Good. BARB           [coming off tears] What now, Sherlock?  You blew up my boyfriend-- LYN            Hal's not responsible for that! BARB           Oh, really?  GEE            If this spell I found requires a human sacrifice, I know who I nominate. TODD           Spell? GEE            Does no one ever listen to me?  I think I can freeze up one of those things, by reciting these words-- SOUND          PIECE OF PAPER GEE            But I think someone will have to hold it down while I do.  So you guys need to pull it together. HAL            [quietly serious] That's three. LYN            What? HAL            The one in the oven, the one in the kiln, and that one.  Three down.  Only two left. LYN            [quietly] We could get his keys.  Bob's.  But we'll have to go around.  HAL            [agreeing humph]  No more fire.  SOUND          SMALL TORCH DROPPED IN METAL GARBAGE CAN MUSIC   8. OUTSIDE AMB            OUTSIDE SOUND          RAPID FEET ON GRAVEL PEABODY        Oh, please!  I've TOLD YOU it was just a prank!  SOUND          KEYS, UNLOCK, DOOR OPENS PEABODY        As I've complied with your guidelines for canceling a false alarm...if anyone shows up, don't even try charging the school for it! SOUND          DOOR SLAMS SHUT MUSIC   9. HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY, SPRINKLERS, ALARM SOUND          ALARM CUTS OUT BARB           [freaking] What?  But it’s - they have to-- What about the firemen?  [sobs] SOUND          SPRINKLERS CUT OUT, DRIPPING LYN            Let's go this way - Not so wet. GEE            It's a different sector.  They only go off one at a time. BARB           This is, like, the worst damn prom ever! MUSIC   10.         OFFICE SOUND          SWITCHES.  FUSE BOX CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS PEABODY        Huh!  Eat me, you degenerates.  You're not pulling any more-- [cuts himself off]  What? SOUND          QUIET CLICKING NOISE PEABODY        [calling, annoyed] All right, who's out there?  Is this some kind of joke? SOUND          THREE QUICK STEPS PEABODY        [ugh!  As he kicks] SOUND          HITS WOOD, DOLL FLIES ACROSS THE HALL, HITS WALL MAJORETTE      FURIOUS CLICKING PEABODY        You cretinous troglodytes!  Cowards!  Why don't you show your ugly little Morlock faces? SOUND          WOOD NOISES - TAPS AND CREAKS - AS MAJORETTE STANDS PEABODY        What the...? SOUND          WOODEN FOOTSTEPS PEABODY        Oh my god... SOUND          DOLL RUNS AT HIM PEABODY        Yahh! SOUND          DOOR SLAMS SOUND          CLICKING PEABODY        [effort] GET...OUT OF... DOOR SOUND          TRYING TO SLAM DOOR ON DOLL MUSIC   11.         HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY GEE            It's not exactly the quickest way to get back to Bob's keys- BARB           Maybe we should make you watch while we barbecue your boyfriend...oops, you don't have one. GEE            Survival overrules sentiment.  Besides - LYN            Cut it out.  We agreed it was probably still too dangerous, anyway.  We don't know how much damage the explosion did. HAL            Shh! SOUND          CREEPING AHEAD HAL            Ok.  Nothing moving.  All clear-- [cuts himself off] Hold on. SOUND          HIS FEET GO OFF SLOWLY LYN            What?  Hal? HAL            [off]  Bud!  Oh, Crap!! LYN            Come on. SOUND          ALL MOVE FORWARD LYN            Oh, heck.  Hal, I'm so sorry. HAL            [ignoring her] [muttering] Bud?  Bud, man?  LYN            I don't think he's-- HAL            Back off! LYN            [gasps, wobbly]  I-I'm  sorry.  But... [firming up, fiercely] But I don't want to die too, and we need you. HAL            I - I don't... [trails off] TODD           It wasn't Laurel.  She wouldn't do that. SOUND          HAL STANDS SUDDENLY, GRABS TODD HAL            [furious] It doesn't matter which one did it!  They're all dangerous! TODD           Ungh! HAL            See?  Look at that!  That was my best friend. TODD           You can't just burn her! GEE            We can try the incantation...it's supposed to make them harmless. SOUND          DISTANT SCREAMS [Peabody] and SLAMMING NOISES HAL            Maybe you'll get your chance. MUSIC   12.         OFFICE SOUND          THUMP OF WOOD MAJORETTE      CLICKING SOUND          WOOD CREAK PEABODY        How can you be getting through?  How can you be moving?  MAJORETTE      CLICK AS IT THRUSTS SOUND          SQUISH OF A STAB PEABODY        [screams in pain]  My arm! SOUND          CREAK OF WOOD AGAIN MUSIC   13.         Hallway outside office HAL            [coming on] Right up ahead.  One of them is stuck in a door.  Whoever's screaming must be inside. GEE            This is the faculty area.  BARB           What, did you draw the maps for the school, too?  LYN            What did you see, Hal? HAL            Start the chant, Gee.  It's time to see if that stuff works.  Let's get this sucker... GEE            I think the doll has to hear the chant.  I may have to start over if it gets far enough away. LYN            It won't. GEE            [under throughout] [chant] SOUND          FEET MOVE SOUND          DOOR NOISES, DOLL NOISES, GET CLOSER HAL            [noise of effort as he grabs the doll] MAJORETTE      FURIOUS CLICKING, SOMEWHAT MUFFLED HAL            Open the door...I've got it! MR. PEABODY     [muffled]  Open the door?  Are you an idiot - Wait - Is that you, Farnesby?  You are in big trouble-- HAL            Just open the goddam door, Peabody!  We're rescuing you! SOUND          DOOR OPENS A BIT HAL            Ungh! [effort]  Wah! [doll pulls harder] SOUND          CREAK, FINALLY SNAP AS DOLL LETS GO, IS FLUNG ACROSS THE HALL - WOOD IMPACT SOUND          DOOR SLAMS HARD, LOCKS HAL            Mr. Peabody! LYN            Hal!  It's getting up! GEE            [continues the chant.] LYN            Barb!  Be ready with the broom! BARB           Goddam right! HAL            Just keep it in the hall here - don't let it get away! TODD           [muttered in relief]  The majorette.  Laurel's still all right. LYN            Knock it over here! SOUND          IMPACT ON WOOD, RATTLE AS DOLL SKIDS ACROSS THE FLOOR HAL            I've got it!  [effort noise as he kicks it] SOUND          KICKING WOOD HAL            Ow!  Little bitch is hard! LYN            It's heading for Gee!  The chant must be doing something!  Todd, you're--- Todd?  That little rat!  Barb!  Get it! BARB           [screaming in fury, and beating at it with the broom] SOUND          BROOM HITTING WOOD BARB           Shit! HAL            It's climbing!  Drop the broom! LYN            Barb! BARB           Ahhh! [throwing] SOUND          BROOM GOES FLYING  LYN            Gee!  Get out of-- SOUND          WOOD CLATTERS SOUND          DOLL SCAMPERS GEE            [speeds up, but keeps chanting] MAJORETTE      CLICKING EXCITEMENT SOUND          THRUST, BLOOD GEE            [gasps, then finishes chant] SOUND          DOLL TURNS SOLID LYN            Omigod!  It went.. right through her! SOUND          BANGING ON DOOR HAL            PEABODY!!  Call an ambulance!  DAMN YOU! GEE            [whimpering, breathing hard] LYN            We can't just leave her! HAL            There's one more out there.  We can't DO anything... GEE            [whispered]  Did it work? LYN            The doll froze!  But it's baton thing is... is-- GEE            [strained whisper] Don't pull it out. LYN            What? GEE            [whimper of pain]  LYN            I won't let you die! GEE            Not much you can do to stop it.  Go!  [long sigh] BARB           Is she dead yet?  Can we go? LYN            You! SOUND          PUNCH IN THE FACE BARB           Ow!!!  LYN            And where's that little toad? HAL            Lyn?  We could get out now. LYN            There's only one more.  And I have this-- SOUND          CRACKLE OF PAPER LYN            She handed it to me right before-- [sob] HAL            You're the one who said we should get help.  That we can't handle this on our own. LYN            [with mounting hysteria] I was wrong.  There's no one we can go to for help!  How could we even ask?  "No, really, officer, there are killer dolls in our high school.  We have this magic book with a spell to de‑animate them, but we need someone to help us hold them down while we chant."  There's just no one else! MUSIC   14.         Hallway away from office AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          RAPID WALKING TODD           [loud whisper]  Laurel!  Laurel, they're going to try and get you!  You should come with me!  Laurel??? MUSIC   15.         Hallway leaving office SOUND          WALKING HAL            You're upset.  Not thinking right.  These things are deadly.  We've both lost friends, and I don't want to lose ... any more. LYN            There's nobody left to lose. SOUND          FEET STOP HAL            There's you, and I don't want to have to face that. LYN            [realizing]  Ohh! SOUND          FEET APPROACH BARB           I'm bleeding and you don't even care.  You just walk off and leave me.  You think it's my fault your stupid Wednesday Addams clone died.  You want me to die, too. LYN            [sighs] No, I don't want you to die. BARB           Oh, please.  Like I believe that.  You just want to be alone... and I don't even have anyone to be alone with any more. HAL            Come on.  We'll get the front door open and you'll be fine. BARB           What if I don't want to come along?  Maybe I want to leave YOU behind for the dolls to kill. LYN            You're not making any sense, Barb.  Calm down.  We all just want to get out of here alive. SOUND          RUNNING TINY WOODEN FEET BARB           I'm not going to calm down just because you tell me to! LYN            We can argue outside!  Come on! SOUND          IMPACT BARB           [oof!]  [screams!!] HAL            Shit!  Lyn!  Read!  I'll grab it! BARB           [screaming and running] HAL            Get back here!  Dammit! SOUND          STABBING NOISE, GURGLES BARB           [stops screaming abruptly] SOUND          BARB STUMBLES, FALLS BARB           [death rattle] SOUND          DOLL STEPS CLEAR HAL            Right over here, you little monster-- LYN            [begins reading the chant] SOUND          DOLL TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS TODD           [running on]  Noooo! SOUND          RUNNING FEET DASH UP HAL            What the--? TODD           Laurel!! SOUND          RUSTLE OF FABRIC, CLUNK OF WOOD HALL           [astonished and upset] Todd?  [up] What are you doing? TODD           [going off again]  You'll never get Laurel!!! LYN            What is wrong with him?  Oh, shit!  Barb! HAL            She's ...dead.  MUSIC   16.         office 9-1-1 VOICE    What is the nature of your emergency? PEABODY        Um, I - there's been an accident at Polk High.  YES, I am serious! This is the principal.  9-1-1          Where are you sir? PEABODY        [choked up] Locked in my office. MUSIC   17.         Hallway away from office TODD           [panting for breath, swallows nervously]  You can out of my coat now. SOUND          RUSTLE OF FABRIC TODD           You wouldn't hurt me would you? LAUREL         [slight awww noise] TODD           I didn’t think so.  Oh!  I have something for you! SOUND          GETS CHAIN OUT OF POCKET TODD           I hope you like gold.  It's a locket.  It was too small for much of a picture, but anything bigger wouldn't fit you. SOUND          CHAIN AGAINST WOOD LAUREL         Awww noise. TODD           Perfect.  I knew it would be. SOUND          WOOD TAP LIGHTLY ON THE GOLD TODD           What’s on your hand?  [upset]  Ohhh.  Blood. LAUREL         slightly creepy awww noise. TODD           [starting to collapse into tears] No.  You're not evil.  You can't be evil! LAUREL         Awww? TODD           [sobs]  Oh, hell!  [gets ahold of himself, talking to distract her] I've always known you wouldn't hurt me, Laurel.  I put so much into you when I carved you.  I'd never let anyone burn you up...I promise!  you're so beautiful. SOUND          RUSTLE OF FABRIC LAUREL         [muffled annoyed] aww!!! TODD           CRYING, RUNS OFF SOUND          RUNNING FEET MUSIC   18.         hallway LYN            We should go after him! HAL            There's nothing we can do. LYN            Why'd he do that? HAL            He's in love with the darn thing, haven't you noticed? LYN            No.  ...I guess I'm kind of dense when it comes to romantic stuff. HAL            A lot of us are.  I know this isn't the time, but after we get out of here...  Well, keep me in mind, will ya? LYN            I - [smiling a bit] I think I can do that. SOUND          RUNNING FEET APPROACH HAL            Grab the broom! SOUND          CLATTER TODD           [coming in, panting] Quick, before I change my mind!  Start the incantation! SOUND          PAPER UNFOLDS LYN            [begins chant] TODD           Ow!  Don't struggle Laurel!  If they can freeze you, then they won't try and burn you! HAL            It's getting out! SOUND          CLATTER to FLOOR TODD           No! SOUND          THROWS COAT OVER IT HAL            Hold the coat down! TODD           Laurel!  It's for your own good! LAUREL         AWWWW! HAL            It's climbing out through the sleeve! TODD           Laurel!  Look at me! LAUREL         [angry Aww] TODD           Laurel? LAUREL         [nicer] Aww? SOUND          DOLL FREEZES LYN            Whooo.  I'm feeling dizzy. HAL            We should still burn it. TODD           No! SOUND          SHOVES HAL AGAINST A LOCKER TODD           [screaming] She's harmless now.  She can't hurt anyone. SOUND          RUSTLE AS HE GRABS HER AND RUNS OFF AGAIN LYN            I don't know what happened, but that sure... it really ...wasted me.  Did we win? HAL            Yeah.  We're still alive, anyway.  We should get out of here, though.  Now that we've finished them all... LYN            What are we going to tell people?  The police? HAL            I say we don't know anything.  Let them figure it out for themselves...that's what cops are paid for. LYN            Todd? HAL            He'll... he'll find his own way out. SOUND          [DISTANT] SIRENS COMING! MUSIC   19.         HALLWAY OUTSIDE OFFICE SOUND          DOORKNOB TURNS QUIETLY, DOOR OPENS PEABODY        [gasps] Todd? TODD           Oh, Mr. Peabody.  Um...  I think she's still breathing.  I was trying to help. PEABODY        What do you have there? TODD           Just a book.  [defensive]  It's mine. SOUND          BANGING AT THE OUTSIDE DOOR PEABODY        Stay right there.  You need to tell them what's going on. SOUND          DOOR CLOSES, TODD RUNS OFF MUSIC   20.         Leaving the building AMB            OUTSIDE HAL            You know, just this afternoon, I was sitting right over there, thinking that the only thing I wanted in the whole world was one dance with you tonight. LYN            [tired chuckle] HAL            I guess I missed my chance. LYN            It's not too late. HAL            The music's over.  Besides, neither of us is dressed for-- SOUND          KISS LYN            [breathy] Let's dance. HAL            But- LYN            Can't you hear the music?  [hums] HAL            Yeah. SOUND          THEIR FEET MOVING TOGETHER ON GRAVEL SOUND          FEET RUN PAST HAL & LYN      Todd? MUSIC END CREDITS  

PromEvil Part 3:  "What a doll!" Trapped in Polk High with some kind of murderer, Hal, Lyn, Gee (and all the rest) must fight for survival!!  Find out who's doing the killing!    A lot of people put their heart and soul into producing this memorable event: STUDENTS Hal - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Lyn - Molly Tollefson Todd - Eli Nilsson Gee - Melissa Bartell Barb - Beverly Poole Andy - Mike Campbell Bud - Jasper Loovis Tina - Chandra Wade Missy - Jade Thomson Jake - Michael Faigenblum other students - Sky Iolta, Shelbi MacIntyre, Henry Mark FACULTY Principal Peabody - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mr. Ervin Carpel, Woodshop - Gene Thorkildsen Ms. Angela Wellesly, Crafts - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Mrs. Snodgrass, Lunchroom - Robyn Keyes P.A. Announcements - Julie Hoverson Rent-a-cop Bob - The Caretaker OTHERS Cop 1 - Glen Hallstrom Cop 2 - Joel Harvey 911 Voice - Julie Hoverson STAFF Writer - Julie Hoverson Doll Wranglers - Julie Hoverson, Kimberly Poole (Warp'd Space) Sound and Mastering - Julie Hoverson Stock sound effects - Soundsnap.com; sonomic.com Music - Prom - Sinkhole Music - background - Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) ____________________________________________________________________   Prom Evil - part 3 PART 3 1. LOUNGE SOUND          MUFFLED PANICKED SLAMMING AT DOOR SCREAM MEDLEY BARB           [PANIC!] ANDY           [PANIC!] LYN            Do something! GEE            Help Me! HAL            Don't - don't come in here! BARB           [PANIC!] ANDY           [PANIC!] MUSIC   2. hallway [silence] BUD            DEATH RATTLE SOUND          TINY TAPPING FEET MOVE AWAY MAJORETTE      clicking SOUND          BLOOD DROPS MUSIC   3. lounge AMB - LOUNGE BARB / ANDY    [still screaming out in hall] LYN            That sounds like Barb!  Something terrible could be happening! GEE            We can dream. HAL            Shh.  I'll look.  Stay back. SOUND          DOOR QUIETLY OPENS SOUND          SCREAMING AND SLAMMING GETS LOUDER BARB           Get it open!  Let us out! ANDY           [just screaming hoarsely and incoherent] HAL            Hey?  Who's after-- SOUND          ANDY STOPS SLAMMING ON DOOR, TURNS AND SLAMS HAL INTO WALL ANDY           [attack noise] SOUND          SCUFFLE, LONG TEAR OF FABRIC HAL            Oof! SOUND          LYN RUNS OUT LYN            [worried] Hal?   [yelling] Stop it! Andy! GEE            Here! LYN            [to gee] Thanks! [yelling]  Stop it! SOUND          HITS HIM WITH GEE'S UMBRELLA BARB           [collapsing into tears] Have to get out! LYN            [calming] Shh, Barb!  [sharp] Andy!  Hal's on our side! SOUND          SCUFFLE, LETS GO. SOUND          STRAIGHTENING CLOTHING, MORE RIPPING HAL            Man, the drama club is gonna be pissed. ANDY           The drama club can kiss my ass.  We're locked in, you stupid fuck! HAL            Locked in?  But we just came in.  SOUND          A FEW STEPS, TRIES DOOR - LOCKED HAL            [worried but quiet] Hmm.  [deep breath, then up, trying to stay positive] What a time for the teachers to realize they left the darn door unlocked. LYN            [hopeful] D'you think that's what happened? HAL            [false confidence] Had to be.  Who else could have locked it? BARB           Maybe... the murderer? LYN            Oh, gosh, did you see it too? BARB           [becoming less coherent as she continues] Oh, man... she was dead, and it was all gross, and I was right there!  She was all making these disgusting noises, and I didn't even know she was being killed... LYN            [completely baffled] What? HAL            She needs to sit down. ANDY           [growls] I got this.  [softer] C'mon babe. MUSIC   4. hallway AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          QUIET FOOTSTEPS TODD           [distant, whispered call] Laurel?  MAJORETTE      [close, clicking angrily] LAUREL         [clearly negative noise] [laurel is protecting todd from being attacked by the others] MAJORETTE      [CLICKS AWAY IN A HUFF] MUSIC   5. lounge AMB            LOUNGE LYN            We need to do something constructive.  Could we phone the Gym, maybe, and get someone to come unlock the door? GEE            Nah.  All the regular phones are turned off at night.  Too many calls to 1-800-H-O-T-T. HAL            How do you know that? GEE            [smug] I broke that story three weeks ago. ANDY           Man, we should find some weapons...if Barb's right, Tina only just died, so I bet the fucker's still around. SOUND          DOOR SLAMS OPEN BARB           [screams] TODD           The door's locked! ANDY           [yelling] Tell us something we don't know! HAL            [to Andy] Chill!  [to Todd] Last time I saw you, you were gibbering by the punch bowl... suddenly you're coherent-boy again.  What's up with that? TODD           It was awful, but...I... I just got over it.  That's all. LYN            Mr. Carpel and Missy?  We saw them too. TODD           [comes to a decision] You saw the bodies.  But... did you see the dolls? ANDY           Dolls?  What the fuck?   6. flashback TODD's FLASHBACK [NOTE:         Much of what Todd says is misleading, so some of what happens contradicts the Voice Over] TODD [VO]      I went to the Wood Shop this evening... [clearly lying] Mr. Carpel was expecting me. SOUND          LOCKPICKS, DOOR UNLOCKS TODD [VO]      The door was...uh...unlocked.  I opened it and... saw Mr. Carpel's body. TODD           [under] Ohmigod!  Laurel?  SOUND          DOLL FEET APPROACH LEDERHOSEN     [threatening noise] DUDE           huh-huh-huh TODD [VO]      And then THEY ran at me.  The DOLLS. TODD           [under, intrigued] You're... alive! SOUND          STICKY NOISE AS AWL IS PULLED OUT SOUND          SMALL FEET APPROACH MAJORETTE      [clicking and approaching] TODD [VO]      [choked up] They attacked me.  They knocked me down. SOUND          BODY DROP MONKEY HEAD    [screech] DUDE           [huh hu huh] MONKEY HEAD    [screech] SOUND          WOODEN THOK TODD           [under] Ow! SOUND          METAL BEING DRAGGED CLOSER TODD           [under] No, I don't--  Please!  I love you, Laurel! SOUND          THE DOLL NOISES CLOSE IN TODD           Ow! LAUREL         [sharp noise] SOUND          DOLL NOISES STOP SOUND          CREAK OF L's HEAD TURN LEDERHOSEN     [angry query] LAUREL         Uh-uh [no] TODD           [in the flashback] Laurel? LAUREL         [rueful noise] SOUND          ALL THE DOLLS RUN OFF DOWN THE HALL SOUND          TODD BREATHING.  SLOWLY GETS TO HIS FEET [End of flashback.]   7. lounge TODD           I don't know why they didn't kill me.  Maybe I'm just lucky...or they realized I wasn't any kind of threat. SOUND          STRUGGLE, BODY SLAMMED AGAINST WALL TODD           [gasp] ANDY           So YOU let them out, you little shit! LYN            Andy?  Andy!  [calming him] Weapons - like you were saying - is a really good idea.  [frantic, looking for support] Hal? HAL            Yeah!  C'mon, Andy.  We'll hit the-- GEE            Kitchen? HAL            Yeah, the kitchen!  You all stay here...it's safer in a group. BARB           [sullen] If it's safer in a group, why don't we ALL go? LYN            [under her breath]  Todd's in no shape to go anywhere.  We can't just leave him! BARB           [disgusted noise]  Fine. MUSIC   8. hallway AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          METAL FILE SAWING ON METAL LEDERHOSEN     [EXASPERATED NOISE] SOUND          CHAIN SWINGS BACK AGAINST DOOR SOUND          SMALL WOODEN IMPACT AGAINST DOOR LEDERHOSEN     [snarl] SOUND          HIS FEET TAP AWAY MUSIC   9. kitchen AMB            KITCHEN SOUND          DOOR SLOWLY OPENS HAL            Hello? ANDY           Shh! HAL            [urgent whisper] The lights are on!  Someone must be in here! ANDY           Why aren’t they saying anything? HAL            Cuz we're whispering?  [up, but cautious] Hello? SOUND          DOOR FARTHER OPEN, A COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS HAL            Looks clear.  Come on. ANDY           Dude, I'm guarding the rear. HAL            Fine.  [sigh] SOUND          DOOR STARTS TO SWING SHUT, BUT IS STOPPED ANDY           [sniffs, then sharp] What's that?  HAL            Dunno.  Alcohol? ANDY           [long sniff]  Smells like bourbon.  [a bit happier]  Dude.  Just point me at it! SOUND          WALKS IN WITH CONFIDENCE HAL            We're not here for-- ANDY           [screams] SOUND          RUNNING FEET LEAVE HAL            What is it--?  Where?  Hello?  [angry sigh]  [muttered] I better see what-- SOUND          SLOW FOOTSTEPS HAL            [gasp]  Mrs. Snodgrass! SOUND          SCUFFLE, PATS, TRYING TO WAKE HER HAL            [revulsion noise]  Oh man! SOUND          TINY HANDS TAPPING ON GLASS HAL            [scared gasp] What the hell? DUDE           [muffled huh huhs rising] SOUND          FIRE IN THE OVEN HAL            [awed whisper]  Dolls.  MUSIC   10.         lounge AMB            LOUNGE SOUND          PACING SOUND          PAGE TURNS GEE            This is one weird book.  I can make out bits of it, but I think it's really old, and the words are all mixed up and spelled wrong... kinda like middle English.  Is there such a thing as middle French? LYN            Where are they? TODD           [duh] The Kitchen? LYN            Not them.  The police! SOUND          PAGES TURN BARB           [spacing out, talking to herself]  Andy is cute... TODD           Police?  [worried] Oh... GEE            The motivating...or maybe moving... of the ... unmoving? BARB           ...and he's pretty well off. SOUND          CHAIR SQUEAKS TODD           I have to go. SOUND          FOOTSTEPS - HIS AND LYN'S BARB           He would beat the crap out of someone for me. LYN            What? TODD           I have to go.  And... and get something. SOUND          PAGE TURNS GEE            [musing] Preparation of the mannequin? TODD           [lying] I... I think there's something in my... locker that I can use as a weapon. LYN            We need to stay together! GEE            [louder, but not in a different tone] Anointment of the offering. LYN and TODD    What? GEE            I think I mighta found something... Anointment of the offering.  [unsure] Maybe.  I REALLY need my dictionary.  SOUND          BOOK SLAPS SHUT GEE            [excited and a little creepy] And I want to see the bodies. MUSIC   11.         hallway AMB            HALLWAYS SOUND          FOOTSTEPS, WOODEN CLUNK ANDY           Don't tell 'em I was all getting sick back there, will ya? HAL            Huh? ANDY           With the dead lunch lady and all.  It'd make me look kinda ...you know. HAL            [exasperated]  Yeah, whatever.  It's our secret. MUSIC   12.         lounge LYN            Look!  Both of you!  Wait til they get back.  We don't know how many of them [not quite believing] ...the dolls... there are. TODD and GEE    Five. TODD           Why do you know?  GEE            Who do you think takes the photos for the annual? BARB           I thought you were a reporter for the nerdletter. GEE            [pissed] I wear many hats. LYN            Too bad we don't have the photos-- GEE            Oh, that's easy. SOUND          PURSE OPENED, CAMERA ON, BUTTONS PUSHED GEE            Oh, good.  I haven't overwritten them all. BARB           If that's a phone, can't we call--? GEE            It's not.  I prefer not to wear a tether. LYN            Let me see. GEE            Besides, where's your phone? BARB           [muttered] I dropped it...somewhere. TODD           Do you have one of Laurel - um, my project? GEE            You can look after Lyn's done. SOUND          CLICKING THROUGH PICS LYN            And these ...dolls are somehow up and running around? GEE            Shh!  [beat, then whispered] Something's coming! SOUND          VAGUE TAPPING, MUFFLED AND DISTANT LYN            Shit! SOUND          A MOMENT OF TENSE SILENCE TODD           [whispered] Can I see the camera? LYN            Ssh! SOUND          ANOTHER DISTANT WOODEN CLUNK LYN            There must be something in here we can fight with! BARB           Yeah, lotta pockets on a prom dress! GEE            Stand back. SOUND          DOOR THROWN OPEN SOUND          FEET GEE            Yaah! SOUND          THUMP OF UMBRELLA ANDY           Ow!  Crazy bitch!  That's my kicking leg! SOUND          STICK SWINGS, MISSES, SMACKS WALL LYN            Andy! HAL            Dude! GEE            [gleeful] Stee-rike! BARB           Andy?! SOUND          CLICKY HEELS DASH ACROSS THE ROOM, IMPACT, SOMETHING WOOD CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR BARB AND ANDY   [mushy kissing] HAL            Can you guys move that ... um... touching reunion out of the doorway?  I'd rather not just stand around in the hallway ...by myself... like this.  [sigh] TODD           [petulant] Can I see the camera, now? MUSIC   13.         punchbowl AMB            GYM, MUSIC, CROWD SOUND          PUNCHBOWL POURS PEABODY        What in heaven's name is all this, Angela? ANGELA         [snarky] Someone called the cops.  Again. PEABODY        If it's a question of the noise--? COP1           Sir, we had an emergency call-- PEABODY        [sigh]  Officer [reads] Trask?  You have to understand my position-- RENTACOP BOB    what's all this? PEABODY        sh-sh-sh. COP2           We received a report over 9-1-1 of a possible homicide in the school. PEABODY        A what? COP1           A possible double homicide. RENTACOP BOB    [huffy] Inside?  School's locked up tight.  Ain't nobody in there - live or dead. PEABODY        Calm down, Bob.  [to the cops]  May I make a suggestion, officers?  Prom night is a notorious time for practical jokes...and though I realize you MUST take any such report seriously-- COP2           We can't just-- PEABODY        Yes, yes.  I understand completely.  [confidential]  However, if we can prove to you that the building is secure, and there's no possible way anyone might have managed to get inside, will that be acceptable?  COP1           Well... COP2           As long as it's all locked up. PEABODY        You're more than welcome to return in the morning, when the school is open, to perform a thorough search.   14.         Hallway AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          LOCKER SLAMS SHUT GEE            You coming? LYN            I'll watch the door. GEE            Hold these, then. SOUND          LOADS HER DOWN WITH BOOKS, UMBRELLA LYN            Oof! SOUND          TURNS ON CAMERA TODD           Don't erase the picture of Laurel! GEE            Chill, dweebula.  I have them all on my hard drive. TODD           Oh! SOUND          DOOR OPENS, CLOSES SOUND          ANOTHER NEARBY DOOR OPENS SOUND          CLANKING OF METAL - ROLLING OF HAND TRUCK ANDY           Sweet.  SOUND          CLICKING OF STRIKER ANDY           Nuke 'em from orbit! TODD           You're not going to burn them all, are you?  Not ... Laurel? HAL            Laurel? TODD           She's... it's... the doll I carved.  She wouldn't hurt anyone. ANDY           Well now they're all living, breathing Chuckeys, and I say fry every last one of them. SOUND          STRIKES THE STRIKER MENACINGLY ANDY           [explosion noise] TODD           [Weakening] No! ANDY           No, that's "Nooooooo" [bruce willis running scream] [chuckles] HAL            Let's focus on getting out of here.  Gee? LYN            In... there. SOUND          WHEELING OF HAND TRUCK ANDY           I'll take the big truck.  You get the value menu. HAL            Whatever. SOUND          HAND TRUCK PARKS, FEET MOVE, DOOR OPENS A CRACK HAL            Gee? GEE            [muttering] This is just like that game I was in last week... HAL            What? GEE            Just thinking... Extreme case of short-timer's curse. LYN            What? GEE            Poor bastard was this close to retirement. MUSIC   15.         Outside AMB            OUTSIDE SOUND          FEET ON GRAVEL COP2           Are you sure this Mr. Carpel isn't in the building?  His name was given as one of the victims. PEABODY        Ervin Carpel?  Nonsense...he's already turned in his building keys.  We had to let him go, you see.  As of the end of the school year.  His safety record was ... unsatisfactory. COP1           So he might have a good reason to participate in a prank?  I see. MUSIC   16.         Hallway outside wood shop AMB            HALLWAY ANDY           So do we just wait for those tiny sons-of-birches to come to us? SOUND          DOOR OPENS, FEET COME OUT GEE            Now I need a place to do some reading. MUSIC   17.         Outside, parking lot AMB            OUTSIDE SOUND          POLICE CRUISER DRIVES AWAY RENTACOP BOB    I'll go take a look around.  No problem. PEABODY        [dismissively] Nonsense.  No reason to justify our merry degenerates by taking their ploy seriously. SOUND          THEY WALK MR. PEABODY     We can perform a complete walk-through before we open the school in the morning to make sure there are no ... surprises.   18.         Hallway AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          SNEAKING FOOTSTEPS, SQUEAK OF HAL's SNEAKERS HAL            [cautious, but trying to be heard]  Hello?  [louder, but still muffled]  Hellllooo? SOUND          FEET AND VOICE STOP, LISTEN SOUND          DISTANT TAPPING HAL            Oh, shit.  [sucks in a breath, up]  Hello? SOUND          ONE FOOTSTEP TODD           Which one is it? HAL            [completely stunned]  Yah!!!   [coming down]  Oh, shit!  Todd! TODD           Why are you in the polky costume? HAL            I have my reasons.  Get your ass back to the craft shop. TODD           I'll... uh... watch your back? HAL            [quiet] I don't trust you. TODD           Why not? HAL            Forget it.  Look, just stay the hell out of my way or I'll run your ass over. TODD           I can run. HAL            I'll bet. SOUND          SNEAKING FEET BEGIN MUSIC   19.         Craft shop AMB            CRAFT SHOP LYN            [pleased]  Oh!  There it goes!  I thought it would never warm up. GEE            I told you it would just take some time.  A kiln isn't a microwave. BARB           Oh, Andy, you're so strong and protective. GEE            [quiet gagging noise]  You guys!  Someone made that quilt, and they won't appreciate you getting it all sticky. LYN            Anything? GEE            Apart from nausea? LYN            The book? GEE            Well, I'm pretty sure this is the "spell" he used to animate the dolls.  I may even have a clue why they turned on Carpel... the spell says the master's supposed to carve the dolls himself.  LYN            Todd says... Todd?  Oh, hell, where'd he get to? ANDY           Dumbass wants to get himself killed, who are we to stop him? SOUND          IDLY CLICKING THE STRIKER GEE            Anyway, there's this other incantation thing which... [very dubious] if I'm reading this right... should make them freeze back up. LYN            [plaintive] You're not sure? GEE            I'm having to make a lot of guesses, here. The dictionary just don't cover everything. I mean, the incantation isn't even FRENCH... just... gibberish, far as I can tell. MUSIC   20.         Hallways TODD           I heard something over there! HAL            Stay the hell back! TODD           Do you have a plan? HAL            Well, it was to sneak up on them, but there's this person talking. TODD           Oh. SOUND          FOOTSTEPS SOUND          [DISTANT] SCRATCHING NOISES MONKEYHEAD     [distant] annoyed screech TODD           Do dolls make noise? HAL            I'm dressed as a giant purple polka-dot.  Do I look like an expert? TODD           Uhh... HAL            Shh! SOUND          SNEAKING STEPS MONKEYHEAD     screech, closer TODD           Soon as you see it, tell me-- SOUND          RUNNING FEET, GOING AWAY TODD           What it looks like... MUSIC   21.         punchbowl AMB            GYM ANGELA         Bob?  Can you do something? RENTACOP BOB    [swaggering]  I can do anything.  Whatcha need? ANGELA         Marge went into the building for something, and she's been gone for just ages.  [simpering]  Could you go and look for her?  As long as I'm stuck at the punch bowl, I can't even get in one itsy bitsy weensy dance. RENTACOP BOB    I gotcha covered, babe.  [clears his throat]  That was a quote.  Not meant in any sort of harassing way.  ANGELA         I understand.  SOUND          DOOR OPENS, HE GOES OUT AMB            RAIN, CRICKETS BOB            I'll check it out, but first...  [chuckles] MUSIC   22.         hallway SOUND          PELTING FOOTSTEPS TODD           [breathless] wait!  I need to know if it's Laurel! HAL            [panting, stays ahead] [yelling] Get ready!! SOUND          DOOR OPENS, AHEAD LYN            Come on! HAL            [gasping mutter] God I hope this works. [up] Out of the way! SOUND          BATTERS THROUGH DOOR LYN            Over here! SOUND          LID OPENS TODD           [still outside] No!  Check first! SOUND          DOOR SHUTS SOUND          POUNDING ON DOOR GEE            Do it quick!  We have to know if this will work! SOUND          RUSTLE OF HEAVY FABRIC, CLATTER OF WOOD MONKEYHEAD     [SCREECH] SOUND          POUNDING OF WOOD ON METAL TODD           [from outside]  Don't leave me out here by myself! GEE            [to him] Just a sec!  Come on! LYN            It's climbing out! HAL            [groan, slump] MUSIC   23.         Parking lot AMB            OUTSIDE SOUND          RUMMAGING IN STUFF RENTACOP BOB    [chuckles] Not on MY watch. SOUND          ZAPZAP OF TASER.  PUT IN CASE. RENTACOP BOB    Little shits deserve a scare. SOUND          REVOLVER CYLINDER SPINS, GUN INTO HOLSTER RENTACOP BOB    Let's see your little pranks now. SOUND          TRUNK SLAMS HUT SOUND          FEET SET OFF ACROSS GRAVEL MUSIC   24.         Craft shop LYN            Oh!  [noise as she smacks the doll]  Uh!  Uh! UH!!! MONKEYHEAD     [SCREECH, dwindling] SOUND          IT FALLS BACK, SHE SLAMS LID! LYN            [Breathing heavily]  Done. SOUND          DOOR OPENS, TODD RUNS IN, DOOR SHUTS TODD           Noooo! GEE            Did yours have a monkey's head? TODD           Huh?  [gasp of relief] No!  Ahhh. LYN            You could have helped. HAL            I - I don't.... LYN            Oh no!  He's bleeding! BARB           [screams] END OF PART 3  

PromEvil Part 2:  "Ins and Outs" Will Hal and Lyn ever run into each other? Will Todd find his true love? Will Barb ever shut up?.... A lot of people put their heart and soul into producing this memorable event: STUDENTS Hal - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Lyn - Molly Tollefson Todd - Eli Nilsson Gee - Melissa Bartell Barb - Beverly Poole Andy - Mike Campbell Bud - Jasper Loovis Tina - Chandra Wade Missy - Jade Thomson Jake - Michael Faigenblum other students - Sky Iolta, Shelbi MacIntyre, Henry Mark FACULTY Principal Peabody - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mr. Ervin Carpel, Woodshop - Gene Thorkildsen Ms. Angela Wellesly, Crafts - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Mrs. Snodgrass, Lunchroom - Robyn Keyes P.A. Announcements - Julie Hoverson Rent-a-cop Bob - The Caretaker OTHERS Cop 1 - Glen Hallstrom Cop 2 - Joel Harvey 911 Voice - Julie Hoverson STAFF Writer - Julie Hoverson Doll Wranglers - Julie Hoverson, Kimberly Poole (Warp'd Space) Sound and Mastering - Julie Hoverson Stock sound effects - Soundsnap.com; sonomic.com Music - Prom - Sinkhole Music - background - Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) __________________________________________________________________   Prom Evil PART 2 MUSIC   1. Wood shop SOUND          DISTINCTIVE WOOD SHOP CLOCK TICKS SOUND          SCRITCH OF METAL ON WOOD - KIND OF AIMLESS LAUREL         [questioning sound] LEDERHOSEN     [negative] DUDE           [huh-huh-huh] SOUND          WOOD THOCK MONKEY HEAD    [screech]   2. AMB - GYM SOUND          CANNED MUSIC PLAYS STUDENTS       CHATTER SOUND          HARSH NOISE OVER THE SPEAKERS PEABODY        [P.A.] All right, everybody.  Quiet down.  I know you don't want to listen to this old fuddy-duddy all night, [waits for laughter, which is scarce] [fading into background] but I have a few announcements that have to be made.  Emergency exits are at the front and back of the room, should there be any ...um, emergency. LYN            You're sure Andy'll still be coming tonight? BARB           Oh, sure...maybe he'll even try to get me back, wouldn't that be a riot? LYN            Yeah.  [no] BARB           [to Tina] Hey Tina!  Where're you going?  The night's still young! TINA           Huh?  Barb?  [too fast] Nowhere. BARB           [nastily] Hot date? TINA           [gasp]  I-- I--  Oh! SOUND          DASHES AWAY BARB           [considering] Hmm. LYN            Why are you so harsh to your friends? BARB           Oh, please.  Any guy she can't bring to prom isn't worth dating.  LYN            Maybe she has to pick him up from work or something. BARB           [scorn] Work?  Tscha.  [up] Ooh!  Jake! LYN            Don't leave me! BARB           I'm your cousin, not your babysitter.  Andy'll be around somewhere. MR. PEABODY     [fading back in] Finally.  The only washrooms that are available are the ones in the locker rooms.  The school is locked, so no matter how long the lines are, you have to wait.      3. SOMEHOW SEGUE TO OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL.  PEABODY's VOICE STILL PLAYS, JUST MUFFLED SOUND          CRICKETS, DISTANT TRAFFIC MR. PEABODY     Anyone seen using any...ahem... atypical facilities, specifically the school's flower beds, will be taken into custody. SOUND          WALKING TODD           Ew.  Who would use the flowers.  [shudder]  [gasp as he almost walks into someone] DUDE           Freak!  The world's up here. CHICK          [giggle] TODD           [evasive] Sorry.  Sorry. SOUND          FEET QUICKLY SHUFFLE PAST CHICK          Who's that? DUDE           That's the [up] freak [down, fading out] who's all obsessed with his damn woodshop project. TODD           [muttering]  I'm not obsessed.  Obsessed is bad.  I'm passionate.  All great artists are passionate. SOUND          LAST FEW QUICK FOOTSTEPS, QUIET TRY AT DOOR - LOCKED SOUND          MUSIC STARTS IN THE GYM TODD           [chuckles]  Perfect. SOUND          JANGLE OF CHAIN, LOCKPICKS MUSIC   4. DANCE FLOOR AMB - GYM, MUSIC IS LOUD BUD            Dude.  HAL            [polky voice - goofy and muffled]  Hello! BUD            [disgusted] Oh, man.  Ditch the Spot and go talk to the brain.  She's been left unattended and needs to be towed away. SOUND          VELCRO OPENING HAL            [slightly muffled] I don't have anything else to wear.  I was gonna just-- BUD            God, you are the king of dork.  Find something in the drama closet.  They just did some pig-thing show. HAL            [exasperated sigh] Pygmalion. BUD            There must be something. HAL            [considering] Hmm. Maybe... MUSIC   5. PUNCH BOWL SOUND          LIQUID BEING SLOPPED INTO GLASS BOY1           [dubious] Thanks. SOUND          FEET APPROACH LYN            How's the punch, Mrs. Snodgrass? MRS. SNODGRASS  I've confiscated three flasks so far.  [pitbull] No one gets past me. LYN            Great.  Give me a double. SOUND          DIPPER POURS LYN            Cheers. ANDY           Hey. LYN            [gasps] SOUND          PUNCH SPILLS LYN            [frantic noise] ANDY           Damn.  Sorry.  You wanna dance?  LYN            [uncomfortable but pleased] Um, sure.  I mean...that'd be great. ANDY           Cool. MUSIC   6. WOOD SHOP AMB            WOOD SHOP CLOCK TICKS SOUND          SCRITCH OF METAL ON WOOD - KIND OF AIMLESS SOUND          MUFFLED SOUND OF METAL ON METAL LEDERHOSEN     [urgent noise] SOUND          METAL ON WOOD STOPS DUDE           [HUH?] SOUND          WOODEN THOCK SOUND          METAL ON METAL STOPS, DOORKNOB TURNS CAUTIOUSLY, DOOR CREAKS OPEN TODD           [whispered] Mr. Carpel?  [surprised] Candles? MUSIC   7. BACKSTAGE AMB            DRAMA LOCKER GYM MUSIC IS MUFFLED SLIGHTLY SOUND          HEAVY PADDED THING HURLED TO FLOOR HAL            [coughing, then sighs]  Yuch.  Sorry old Polky, but you need to die.  [makes gun noise, pauses, then empties the other five shots into it] SOUND          SCRATCHES HIS HEAD VIGOROUSLY GEE            Delousing? HAL            [gasp] SOUND          CLATTER GEE            [laughs delightedly, but clearly not "interested"]  You're so cute. HAL            Gee?  What are-- you--? GEE            Thought you could use a hand.  I did wardrobe for the last three shows and know where everything is. HAL            But how did you--? GEE            I'm a psycho - or do I mean psychic?  [holds a second, then laughs again] I heard you and Bud.  HAL            Ahh. MUSIC   8. DANCE FLOOR AMB - GYM SLOW MUSIC PLAYS ANDY           Ooh [interested noise]  Mm. LYN            [gasps]  oh. ANDY           Mm.  What? LYN            [nervous] Let's get some punch. ANDY           Don't you like dancing? LYN            I'm just suddenly really thirsty. ANDY           [resigned] Punch it is. MUSIC   9. OUTSIDE SOUND          OUTSIDE MUSIC IS MUFFLED CRICKETS SOUND          OMINOUS RUSTLING AND GROANING NOISES CAN BE HEARD IN THE NEARBY BUSHES, BUT THEY QUICKLY RESOLVE THEMSELVES INTO A COUPLE MAKING OUT. SOUND          RAIN BEGINS TINA           [oh no!] Aah! BUD            Ah, shit.  Come on. SOUND          RUNNING FEET TINA           We can't go in! BUD            Well... [indecisive]  Come on. TINA           The school's locked! BUD            [insinuating] But it's got a nice dark, deep doorway... TINA           [interested]  Ooh! SOUND          QUICK FOOTSTEPS BUD            Come here, then. TINA           Mmm. SOUND          DOOR FLIES OPEN BUD            Geek. SOUND          TODD DASHES PAST TODD           [frantic breathing] SOUND          DOOR SWINGS SHUT BUD            [speculative] Hmm. TINA           Are you thinking--? BUD            Aren't you? TINA           [teasing] Mr. Bud, are you trying to lure poor lil' ole me off to some dark place where you can take advantage of me? BUD            Well, I really just wanted your opinion of my civics project, but now that you mention it...  Sure.  I'll take advantage of you, baby.  Come on. SOUND          DOOR OPENS MUSIC   10.         PUNCHBOWL AMB            GYM SOUND          PUNCH POURS SNODGRASS      [snarls] just one at a time. KID            [frightened] Um, OK. SOUND          SCAMPERS AWAY SNODGRASS      Back again, Lyn? LYN            Just thirsty I guess-- SOUND          DOOR SLAMS OPEN, TODD RUNS IN, SLAMS DOOR TODD           [gasping] SNODGRASS      Hmph.  ANDY           Dork. LYN            He looks hurt. SNODGRASS      See if he has a ticket.  [disgusted] Or pupils. SOUND          LYN CAUTIOUSLY APPROACHES LYN            Todd?  That's your name, right?  Are you OK, Todd? TODD           [whines and whispers] Mr. Carpel.  Missy.  They're DEAD! SOUND          HE SINKS TO THE FLOOR MUSIC   11.         BACKSTAGE AMB            BACKSTAGE GEE            Hold on.  Now look. SOUND          HAL TURNS, SQUEAK OF TENNIS SHOES HAL            [surprised and cheered] Wow.  GEE            I figured you were about Higgins' size.  Oh wait-- SOUND          DRAWER OPENS, RUSTLE HAL            [admiring himself] Damn.  I clean up good. GEE            Everyone looks good in a tux - that's kind of the point.  Here. SOUND          STICKS FAKE FLOWER IN THE LAPEL, PATS IT DOWN HAL            Feels like a wedding. GEE            Plenty of time for that later.  Start with trying to speak to her - at least in her general direction. HAL            [gasps] MUSIC   12.         PUNCHBOWL AMB            GYM SOUND          SNAPPING FINGERS LYN            Hey?  Hey! TODD           [whimpers] LYN            Andy!  Help me get him into a chair! ANDY           [disgusted sigh] SOUND          CLUMSY MOVE INTO A CHAIR TODD           [mumbling, more of the same] ANDY           What the hell's he saying? LYN            Um... [listening, then repeating Todd's words, getting more creeped out as it goes along] Mr. Carpel... Wood Shop... dead... Missy... [worried] blood... ANDY           Blood?  What the f--? [realizing] Ohh! LYN            Shh.  [going on] They attacked me... they must have killed them... she wouldn't let them kill me... they're dead. TODD           [groans and passes out] SOUND          BODY FALL ANDY           [slyly] Well, we could go and take a look at the Wood Shop. LYN            Us?  Shouldn't we send Rent-a-cop Bob?  It IS what he's here for.  Besides, someone should stay and look after Todd. ANDY           [whispered explaining] It's a gag, see?  Bob'll skin anyone who gets him to shift his lardbutt for a prank.  LYN            It doesn't sound like-- ANDY           Babe, it's practically Polk High tradition for some bozo like Todd here to pull a big prank during prom. LYN            He sounds really scared. ANDY           [ignoring her] At least this sounds like a winner.  [with a naughty wink] Let's check it out. MUSIC   13.         SCHOOL HALLWAY AMB            EMPTY SCHOOL HALL SOUND          MAKING OUT BUD            Mm.  Me likee. TINA           You're sure no one can see us? BUD            Yeah.  There's no one in the ...entire ...building.  SOUND          ZIPPER UNZIPS SOUND          DISTANT TAP OF FEET APPROACHES TINA           [gasp] SOUND          SCRAMBLE OF CLOTHES TINA           I thought you said-- BUD            Come on.  I know just the place. MUSIC   14.         DOOR NEAR PUNCHBOWL AMB            GYM SOUND          DOOR OPENS ANDY           Coming? LYN            [sighs] I guess.  SOUND          SLOW STEPS BARB           [suddenly in their face] Leaving?  So soon? ANDY           There's a gag on in the school.  We're gonna take a look.  [heavy with challenge] Right, Lyn? LYN            Uh-- HAL            [off a bit, quiet] Damn. BARB           [furious] Fine.  If the building's open, I'll just go to my locker.  I could use some hairspray. SOUND          SHE FLINGS HERSELF OUT, TOO MUSIC   15.         SCHOOL HALLWAY AMB            SCHOOL HALL SOUND          WOODEN FOOTSTEPS DUDE           [huh-huh-huh-huh] LEDERHOSEN     [quieting growl] SOUND          LIGHTER THOCK DUDE           [ulp] MAJORETTE      [clicking noise] MUSIC   16.         DOORWAY NEAR PUNCHBOWL AMB            GYM, MUSIC SOUND          DOOR SHUTS HAL            [heavy sigh]  Missed it by that much.  Ow!  What was-- SOUND          UMBRELLA TAPPED ON FLOOR GEE            You think I carry this just for the SPF? HAL            But--? GEE            Go after her. HAL            Go after--?  But what do I say? GEE            Argh!  What do I look like, a fairy godmother?  Oh, god, I do....  Move your butt.  HAL            why are you doing this anyway? GEE            Lyn's my friend, and you're harmless.  Go! SOUND          SQUEAK OF HIS TENNIS SHOES HAL            [suddenly realizing] Harmless?  Huh?  [looking for her]  Gee? TODD           [muttering] They're dead, you know. HAL            What? TODD           In the wood shop. HAL            Oh shit. SOUND          DOOR SLAMS OPEN MUSIC   17.         SCHOOL HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          LOCKER SLAMS SHUT BARB           Jake won't know what hit him. SOUND          ZIPPER ON MAKEUP BAG CLOSES DECISIVELY SOUND          WALKING IN HEELS SOUND          OFF, RUSTLING AND GASPING NOISES BARB           Hmm? SOUND          HEELS START TO SNEAK SOUND          RUSTLING GETS CLOSER BARB           [squeal of disgust] Oh MY GOD!!!! MUSIC   18.         SCHOOL HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          TWO PAIRS OF FEET ANDY           [insinuating] A dimly-lit spooky hallway, a pair of good-looking, healthy American teens, what's that make YOU think of? LYN            Cheesy horror movies, what else?  You forgot to mention the possibility of two dead bodies in the Wood Shop. ANDY           It's a joke...it's gotta be. MUSIC   19.         SCHOOL HALLWAY BACK TO BARB VOICES are kind of distant BARB           [tail end of squeal] TINA           [gasp] UP CLOSE MAJORETTE      [quiet clicking] BUD            What the--? BARB           Oh... my... god.  Tina.  I cannot believe this!  You and... THAT. BUD            Screw you! TINA           [breaks down into tears and runs off] SOUND          RUNNING FEET, LADIES ROOM DOOR SLAPS SHUT BARB           Not if you had a gold plated... You know. SOUND          TURNS ON HER HEEL, WALKS OFF BUD            Tina? BARB           Ladies room, dumbass. SOUND          SHOVE, STUMBLING STEPS SOUND          DOOR FLAPS SHUT MUSIC   20.         HALLWAY OUTSIDE WOOD SHOP AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          SLOW FEET LYN            [whispered]  Is it unlocked? ANDY           Shh. SOUND          METAL CLANG - HE TAKES A FIRE EXTINGUISHER OFF THE WALL LYN            [whispered] It's not on fire! ANDY           [disgusted sigh] SOUND          QUICK SCRAMBLE OF STEPS, DOOR KICKED OPEN ANDY           Yaaah! MUSIC   21.         LADIES ROOM SOUND          LADIES ROOM DOOR FLAPS SHUT TINA           [off, Gasping and choking] BARB           Hah!  SOUND          HIGH HEELS.  BAG SET DOWN MAKEUP NOISES AS SHE TALKS TINA           [chokes and gasps under all] BARB           You should be ashamed.  That guy is such a nothing.  You can't possibly like someone like that.  Hopeless losers are not for the likes of us, Tina dear.  We're only supposed to date cute guys and guys with the potential to be rich  ...or famous.  TINA           [last gasp] LEDERHOSEN     [quiet noise] BARB           Are you just determined to sabotage your whole entire life? SOUND          SINK RUNS BARB           Tina?  You done yet? SOUND          SLOW FOOTSTEPS SOUND          PUSHING STALL DOORS OPEN, ONE BY ONE BARB           It's not that bad.  No one else needs to know. SOUND          DOOR OPEN BARB           But you're the designated driver for the next ...Hmm... SOUND          DOOR OPENS BARB           ...three parties? SOUND          FINAL STALL DOOR OPENS BARB           [full force scream of horror] MUSIC   22.         WOOD SHOP AMB            WOOD SHOP LYN            [slightly off] Well? ANDY           It's all dark.  Hold on. SOUND          GROPING FOR LIGHT SWITCH LYN            [closer] Here, let me. SOUND          LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS ON.  FLUORESCENTS FLICKER TO LIFE ANDY           Oh shit! [full force scream of horror] SOUND          FIRE EXTINGUISHER CLATTERS TO FLOOR SOUND          RUNNING, PUSHES LYN ANDY           Out of the way! LYN            Uh! SOUND          THUMP AGAINST DOOR FRAME SOUND          FEET RUN DOWN HALL LYN            [small freaking out noises] No.  No no no no. SOUND          SLOWLY BACKING AWAY SOUND          FIRE EXTINGUISHER KICKED AND ROLLS AWAY SOUND          LYN STUMBLES SOUND          CAUGHT HAL            Hey!  Gotcha. LYN            [freaks out for a second, then dissolves into tears] MUSIC   23.         HALLWAY OUTSIDE LADIES ROOM AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          LADIES ROOM FLAPS OPEN BARB           [screams past] SOUND          RUNNING FEET, THUMP BUD            Shit!  Oof! SOUND          BODY DROP TO FLOOR SOUND          BARB's FEET RECEDE BUD            [blows out a breath] Bitch. SOUND          SCRAMBLES TO HIS FEET BUD            [going off] Tina?  Tina? SOUND          DISTANT CLICKING NOISE MUSIC   24.         HALLWAY NEAR WOODSHOP AMB            NEAR WOODSHOP LYN            [still crying and gasping] HAL            It's all right.  It's OK.  Shh. LYN            [gasping out the words] He was right.  They ARE dead.  Oh, geez.  I can't.... [sobs]  I can't believe this! HAL            Who? LYN            Todd. HAL            Todd's dead? LYN            No!  Missy and Mr. Carpel. HAL            I'll take a look. LYN            No!  It's terrible! HAL            Stay here. MUSIC   25.         PUNCHBOWL AMB            GYM TODD           [drinking punch, he seems better, but is still muttering] They're DEAD.  They killed them, but she protected me.  I know she's not like the others.  She understands how ... how special she is.  She knows. SNODGRASS      You need to go home, kid. TODD           [disturbingly reasonable] They ARE dead, you know.  It was an easy A, he said.  An easy A. SNODGRASS      Look, you're scaring people.  Can't you just zip it? TODD           [reasonably] But... they're dead. SNODGRASS      Angie? ANGIE          Yeah, Marge? SNODGRASS      Take over for a while.  This boy needs something calming, and I think I've got what he needs ...apart from a padded room...if I can get Bob to unlock the school. TODD           The door IS unlocked. SNODGRASS      What?  Well, I'd better see about that, too. MUSIC   26.         WOOD SHOP AMB            WOOD SHOP SOUND          A COUPLE OF STEPS - HAL LYN            [off] Here. SOUND          MANUAL WINDING OF CAMERA BOX HAL            What?  Oh!  Good idea. SOUND          TAKES HER CAMERA, STARTS SNAPPING PICTURES HAL            Ew. LYN            [calling from off] How can you just... be in there? HAL            I watch a lot of CSI.  This just looks like ...special effects. LYN            [off] Are they...? HAL            Yeah.  I'm pretty damn sure.  Hmm. SOUND          SNAPPING MORE PICS LYN            What? HAL            It's... weird.   Just a sec. SOUND          PICKING UP BOOK, RUFFLES PAGES HAL            [musing] luh liver dess poops? LYN            What? SOUND          HE STICKS IT IN HIS POCKET HAL            [up] Almost done.  MUSIC   27.         SCHOOL KITCHENs AMB            KITCHEN SOUND          SNODGRASS HEAVY FEET STOMP IN - SHE IS DISTANT DUDE           [CLOSE - quiet huh-huh] SNODGRASS      [muttering] Nutty freaking kids these days.  None of this hot and cold running narcotics when I was a girl. SOUND          QUIET DOLL FOOTSTEPS CREEP CLOSER SOUND          DISTANT, SHE TURNS ON A LIGHT, OPENS A DRAWER SOUND          MORE DOLL FOOTSTEPS DUDE           [huh-huhs] SOUND          QUICK CLIMBING NOISES SOUND          DISTANT, BOTTLE OPENS, POURS SNODGRASS      Salut.  [drinks] SOUND          CLOSE, KNIFE SLIDES OUT OF KNIFE BLOCK DUDE           [loud huh-huhs] MUSIC   28.         HALLWAY OUTSIDE WOOD SHOP AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          SNEAKERS COME OUT OF WOOD SHOP LYN            Hmm? HAL            Um... Looks like old Mr. Carpel went all satanic and sort of... sacrificed... um... forget it. LYN            But who killed Mr. Carpel? HAL            I don't know, but this book looks all creepy and stuff.  Maybe he summoned a demon or something and it got him. LYN            You're joking. HAL            [tries to chuckle] Well, maybe just a little, but something got him, didn't it?  Come on.  We need to get ... help. LYN            We need to call the police.  Barb has a phone...when we get back to the dance... HAL            There's pay phones in the lounge. LYN            I want to get OUT of here.  Whoever - whatever - did that is still ... on the loose! SOUND          [their voices start to recede] HAL            Well...  I think that back there happened a few hours ago.  The blood looked mostly dried, and the candles were all burned down.  Whoever killed Mr. Carpel is probably long gone. MONKEY HEAD    [query] LAUREL         [negative response] MUSIC   29.         KITCHEN AMB - Kitchen SOUND          MRS. SNODGRASS STEPS OUT OF OFFICE.  LIGHT OFF.  LOCKS THE DOOR. DUDE           [huh-huh] SOUND          LITTLE FEET RUSH FORWARD SNODGRASS      Huh? SOUND          SQUISH OF KNIFE STAB SNODGRASS      [scream in agony] SOUND          BODY FALL SNODGRASS      GASPING IN PAIN DUDE           [huh-huh] MUSIC   30.         HALLWAY LEAVING WOOD SHOP AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          QUICK FEET APPROACH, PASS BY LYN            [panting a bit] I...  This sounds terrible ...I know I know you, but I can't remember your name. HAL            [panting a bit] Hal.  It's usually my face people forget. LYN            [panting a bit] I know...you're always in that costume.  It's kind of... HAL            Dumb? LYN            No!  I think it's... um... cute. MUSIC   31.         AMB - KITCHEN SOUND          BLOOD DROPS SNODGRASS      What the hell is--? SOUND          SLOW WOODEN FOOTSTEPS CIRCLE HER DUDE           Huh-huh-hwa? SOUND          IMPACT - A PAN! SOUND          DOLL TUMBLES, KNIFE SKITTERS AWAY SNODGRASS      Hah!! SOUND          SHE CRAWLS PAINFULLY SOUND          DOLL CLATTERS BY SOUND          FABRIC FLAPS SOUND          DOLL CAUGHT IN APRON DUDE           Huh?  Huh? SNODGRASS      Hah! Hah!  You little bastard! SOUND          POURING OF ALCOHOL ON DOLL SNODGRASS      [weakly] How bout a little... SOUND          CREAK OF OVEN OPENING SOUND          FIGHT TO GET IT INTO OVEN SNODGRASS      [weakening] fire.... scare... crow... SOUND          AFTER FIGHT, OVEN DOOR SLAMS SHUT SNODGRASS      [sigh in relief, breathes heavily...] SOUND          BODY SLUMPS AGAINST OVEN MUSIC   32.         OUTSIDE MAIN SCHOOL DOOR SCHOOL         EXTERIOR DOOR OPENS SOUND          FOOTSTEPS COMING OUT LYN            So what's the book?  Something Satanic? HAL            I don't really know.  It's... foreign.  Maybe Latin?  Spooky books are always in Latin, aren't they? LYN            Hmm.  That's not Latin...I TOOK Latin.  I'm pretty sure that's French.  Gee would know. HAL            [muttered] Yeah. She kinda knows everything. MUSIC   33.         HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          CLICKING NOISE SOUND          FEET APPROACH BUD            [off] Tina? SOUND          CLICKING STOPS SUDDENLY SOUND          A MEWLING NOISE IS HEARD FROM WHERE THE CLICKING WAS. BUD            Tina?  You OK? SOUND          WALKS FASTER MUSIC   34.         BETWEEN BUILDINGS AMB            OUTSIDE SOUND          PACING HAL            [muttering to himself]  Yeah, what do I say now - hey, since we've shared a corpse or two, why not have some bubble tea?  [heavy sigh] SOUND          UMBRELLA POPPED UP HAL            [gasps] GEE            I said it's not just for decoration. HAL            Geez.  Just sneak up on-- GEE            You've got some weird book for me? HAL            Lyn's coming back, right? GEE            Don't worry. SOUND          SHE SNAGS THE BOOK, PAGES THROUGH HAL            She's--? GEE            [exasperated] Looking for that succubus she calls a cousin. [examines the book] Hmm... It say it's a book of dolls, or puppets...or something.  [dubious] That last word - hmmm.  I gotta dictionary in my locker. MUSIC   35.         HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          SLOW FOOTSTEPS BUD            Tina? SOUND          TRIES A DOOR - LOCKED SOUND          MEWLING SOUND          FEET SPEED UP, THEN STOP BUD            [slightly breathless] Tina?  Huh?  [over his shoulder] Hello?  Hmph. Who could have... SOUND          SLOW WALKING BUD            [slow realization, dragged out]  I got it.  [up] Nice prank, guys!  [muttered] So what happens, I touch the dolly and [looking up] something falls on me?  Hmm?  [muttered again] MUSIC   36.         HALLWAY AMB            ANOTHER HALLWAY GEE            It's really close, I can just run over and-- HAL            Whoever killed them might still be in the-- SOUND          DOOR OPENS, RAIN LYN            [breathing a little hard]  There you are! HAL            [eager]  Waiting for you. GEE            Now can we all go to my locker?  It's closer than the library. HAL            Did you find--? LYN            I couldn't find Barb anywhere, and [breaking a little] I couldn't convince anyone else... GEE            Let me guess, they all think it's a prank? HAL            Here, then-- SOUND          OPENS DOOR HAL            And some-- SOUND          JINGLES COINS IN HIS HAND LYN            Cute.  But you don't have to pay for 9-1-1. HAL            Oh. SOUND          JINGLE PUT AWAY MUSIC   37.         HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY BUD            Oh to hell with it.  SOUND          SOME QUICK FOOTSTEPS BUD            Oh, man!  That's the prank.  Someone broke into the wood shop and stole these little fuckers.  Bet they're all over the damn school by now. SOUND          MAJORETTE'S CLICKING NOISES BUD            Weird. Where's the parade, honey? SOUND          SCRAPE AS HE PICKS UP THE STATUE MAJORETTE      [clicking turns ugly, creak] SOUND          SQUISH, STAB BUD            [gurgle, tries to gasp for breath] MAJORETTE      [satisfied clicking] SOUND          BATON PULLED FREE SOUND          GUSH OF BLOOD, BODY DROP SOUND          MAJORETTE CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR MUSIC   38.         LOUNGE AMB            LOUNGE SOUND          PHONE HUNG UP LYN            [a little uncertain] Police are on their way. SOUND          SCREAMS AND BANGING NOISES FROM OUTSIDE IN THE HALL. HAL            Shit! LYN            [gasp] GEE            [whispered] Block the door!  [exasperated noise] Argh! END OF PART 2    

PromEvil takes you to that most horrifying of places - HIGH SCHOOL.  On prom night, naturally.  And something horrible is about to come out of the woodshop, and we don't mean Hal in his school mascot costume.... A lot of people put their heart and soul into producing this memorable event: STUDENTS Hal - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Lyn - Molly Tollefson Todd - Eli Nilsson Gee - Melissa Bartell Barb - Beverly Poole Andy - Mike Campbell Bud - Jasper Loovis Tina - Chandra Wade Missy - Jade Thomson Jake - Michael Faigenblum other students - Sky Iolta, Shelbi MacIntyre, Henry Mark FACULTY Principal Peabody - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mr. Ervin Carpel, Woodshop - Gene Thorkildsen Ms. Angela Wellesly, Crafts - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Mrs. Snodgrass, Lunchroom - Robyn Keyes P.A. Announcements - Julie Hoverson Rent-a-cop Bob - The Caretaker OTHERS Cop 1 - Glen Hallstrom Cop 2 - Joel Harvey 911 Voice - Julie Hoverson STAFF Writer - Julie Hoverson Doll Wranglers - Julie Hoverson, Kimberly Poole (Warp'd Space) Sound and Mastering - Julie Hoverson Stock sound effects - Soundsnap.com; sonomic.com Music - Prom - Sinkhole Music - background - Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) _______________________________________________________________________ Prom Evil - Part 1 MUSIC AMB            BUSY HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY P.A. VOICE     Don't forget! It's your last chance to pick up those prom tickets!  Show your Polk high Spirit!  Polky says - don't drink and drive! AMB            FADE IN ON WOOD SHOP SOUND          HEAVY DISTINCTIVE TICKING CLOCK IN THE WOOD SHOP CARPEL         [off] All right, um, kids.  Let's start finishing up-- BUD            You up for prom tonight? HAL            Gotta be there.  School spirit and all. BUD            Ew, Hal, you're not bringing ..."IT"? HAL            It's my job, Bud.  Polky lives. CARPEL         [off] Let's get everything put-- SOUND          BELL RINGS SOUND          CLATTER OF STUFF JUST BEING LEFT ON TABLES CARPEL         --Away. [sigh] SOUND          MASS EXODUS HAL            Bud!  Dude! [exasperated noise] SOUND          GATHERS UP TOOLS SOUND          KNOCK ON DOORFRAME TODD           Mr. Carpel? SOUND          SLAMMING BRIEFCASE SHUT CARPEL         [ow!]  Damn! [composing himself] This... it's my break, Todd. TODD           I just wanted to see... her. SOUND          TAP ON GLASS CABINET TODD           [almost silent] Hi! CARPEL         Todd! TODD           She--  They can come home soon, right?  CARPEL         After tonight, they can do...I mean, YOU...can...do whatever you want with them.  ... Her.  It. SOUND          SCRABBLE OF FEET CARPEL         Go on now.  I'm not...done... grading.  Scoot scoot. TODD           Right.  [almost silent] Bye! SOUND          FEET CARPEL         [sigh of relief] HAL            [clears his throat] CARPEL         [startled] Ahh! HAL            Sorry.  I was just putting away... CARPEL         Of course, of course.  Go on now. HAL            Right.  They're really pretty great, you have to admit. CARPEL         What?  HAL            The carvings.  SOUND          LIGHT TAP ON GLASS HAL            I woulda gone for it, but I don't have the patience.  Or the carving skillz-- CARPEL         Right, right - just please-- HAL            Got it!  Evaporate. SOUND          FEET, DOOR SLAMS CARPEL         [sigh, of extreme relief] MUSIC AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          LOCKER CLOSES LYN            [sigh] OK, nothing happens.  Surprise! BARB           It's coming.  What?  You're all hot to go study?  It's party night, Lyn.  Loosen up. LYN            [sigh] A moment, then-- BARB           Jake!  You're SO late! LYN            Huh? Jake--? BARB           Mmm.  Come here! SOUND          LONG SMOOCHING LYN            But, Barb--!  Barb!  Barb? SOUND          SMOOCHING ENDS JAKE           [catching his breath] Hey.  So, What's the deal? BARB           This is my cousin, Lyn. LYN            [panicky] uh, yeah. JAKE           Hey, Lyn.  I-- BARB           [sudden rush] I was telling her all about you, and she's just [as if she's looking for something] ...dying ...to meet ...you.  [angry sigh]  [shrill] Anyway.  She doesn't have a date for tonight, so I-- ANDY           [coming in] Whoa.  What the hell's up? BARB           Aha!  Jake?  You know Andy. JAKE           [chuckle] LYN            [this is ugly] Ohh! ANDY           What's up with this?  What-- BARB           I meant to tell you earlier, Andy, but you weren't picking up-- ANDY           I don't got my cell on me at practice-- BARB           [flippant] Andy... it's over-- ANDY           Over?  It's not over until-- JAKE           Oh yeah? BARB           So you'll have to find yourself a new "bunny".  Right Jake? ANDY           You bitch!  You said-- BARB           For prom. ANDY           But, Prom's TONIGHT! BARB           Sorry.  [she's not]  Not my problem.  Come on, stud muffins. JAKE           [chuckles] SOUND          THEY START TO WALK AWAY LYN            [rueful] Barb.  Jeez. BARB           [over her shoulder] Lyn's free tonight. LYN            [gasp!] ANDY           [to himself] Fine! [to Lyn, muttered] I got tickets, wanna go? LYN            I'm really sorry she-- ANDY           C'mon...don't make me waste 'em. LYN            [tsks]  Fine. ANDY           See you in the gym?  Gotta get back to the field. SOUND          HE TROTS OFF LYN            Right.  Bye. GEE            [coming on, whispering] Extra, extra - read all about it.  Dumped jock falls for head of debate team. LYN            I've already had my heart attack for the day, thanks, Gee. GEE            No hearts were injured in the filming of this-- LYN            I don't even have a dress. GEE            [mock serious]  Wanna shock everyone?  You could be my date.  [goofy kissy noise] LYN            [laughs] SOUND          BELL RINGS, THEY START DASHING LYN            Come on!  [hustling] Barb'll have a plan. GEE            [keeping up] Oh, yeah.  That'll be good. MUSIC SOUND          BELL RINGS SOUND          STUDENTS POUR OUT - END OF DAY SOUND          LOCKERS BEING OPENED STUDENTS       [conversations about the prom tonight] SOUND          DOOR CREAKS OPEN CARPEL         Oh, um... [hoarse] Miss, um, Francis! [clears his throat]  Miss Francis! MISSY          Yes?  Something I can do for you, Mr. Carpel? ["CAR-pull"] CARPEL         [irritable, automatic] That's Carpel. ["car-PELL"]  [clears his throat again]  I, um, I could use some advice...  Could you step in for a moment? MISSY          [unsuspecting] Um, sure.  What do you need? CARPEL         [lying] I have this niece, and it's her birthday, and I want a, um, well, a young woman's opinion of the present I bought for her.  It will just take a moment, um, if you can spare the time? MISSY          [indulgently] Oh, sure. MUSIC AMB            OUTSIDE, STUDENTS, TRAFFIC, ETC. STUDENTS       [lots of chatter about prom] BUD            Life's almost over...what do you plan to do once YOU graduate? HAL            Not a clue.  Dad says I've got-- [apes dad's voice] ..."no ambition, no drive."  I guess he's right.  I just don't have a burning desire to DO anything with my life... [LYN AND BARB PASS BY - FADING IN AND THEN OUT] BARB           --taffeta underskirt - but not too long, you know?  I was all like, how can I possibly dance in that?  LYN            I don't dance. BARB           Let me finish!  Sides, I want to show off the adorable prada pumps-- HAL            [heavy sigh] Except... BUD            [Following the look] Ex-cept?  Still got the hots for that brain? HAL            She's not a brain, just smart..."Brains" look down on the rest of us, and Lyn...she can be really nice.  Not like the barbies you date. BUD            Nothing wrong with dumb girls‑‑ HAL            Takes one to know one. MUSIC AMB            WOOD SHOP MISSY          Ooh!  Is this what the woodcarving class has been working on!  Wow!  Look at her teensy little hands! SOUND          TAP ON GLASS CARPEL         [getting more and more nervous] Ahem.  It's just over here, Missy. MISSY          Oh, right! SOUND          PAPER GIFT BAG FULL OF TISSUE SET ON DESK CARPEL         I hope this is something a... young lady would like. MISSY          Let's see. SOUND          BAG RUSTLES SOUND          SOMETHING PICKED UP ON WORKBENCH MISSY          What is it? SOUND          RUMMAGING IN TISSUE SOUND          HAMMER BROUGHT DOWN ON HER HEAD. MISSY          Oohhhhh! SOUND          BODY DROP SOUND          FEET RUN TO DOOR, LOCK IT CARPEL         [breathing heavily, panicky] MUSIC AMB            OUTSIDE BUD            Ask her. HAL            Nah.  Polky goes stag. BUD            Buy a clue, Hal...school mascot never gets laid.  'sides, running around as a big purple - what the hell is Polky, anyway? HAL            Polky is the Polk high polka-dot. BUD            Ri-i-ight.  Well...let's just say it ain't gonna get you a job. HAL            Scoff all you want.  If I work real hard, someday I could be a giant cell phone at the mall. BUD            Hark!  The wolverine has left the lamb unguarded-- HAL            Barb's gone?  Where? BUD            She probably went to pee on some poor guy.  Mark her territory-- HAL            [speculative] Maybe I will.... [grunts as he gets up, then fading]  What's the worst that could happen? SOUND          CREAK OF BACKPACK MUSIC AMB            WOODSHOP CARPEL         [still wheezing] SOUND          ASTHMA INHALER CARPEL         [Deep breath, then an exaggerated one]  Clear the mind.  [half another breath, cuts off with]  Oh, crap!  Clear the desk! SOUND          EVERYTHING BEING SWEPT OFF THE DESK MISSY          [groan, hit by something] CARPEL         Oh no!  No, no! Come here, you!  [grunts as he gets a grip on her] MISSY          [groans again] CARPEL         And U-U-U-U-U-P! [grunts] SOUND          THUMPS [humorous bit, with him trying to get her onto the desk, finally] CARPEL         [breathing heavily] MISSY          [groans] CARPEL         [whispering, afraid to wake her]  no!  Nononono!  Stay down!  [a moment of breathing]  Good.  [a demented whisper of a chuckle] SOUND          ROPE BEING UNROLLED CARPEL         [to self] need about... hmm...  three yards for the feet, and-- SOUND          KNOCK AT THE DOOR CARPEL         [startled to death] Ahh! SOUND          EVERYTHING DROPS, ENDING WITH A GOOFY CLATTER TODD           [off] Mr. Carpel?  Um, are you there? SOUND          DOORKNOB RATTLES SOUND          ROPE MOVES AGAIN, BEGINS TO BE KNOTTED CARPEL         [barely able to breath] Go away, Todd.  I'm busy.  Come back tomorrow. MISSY          [groans] CARPEL         [frustrated noise!] TODD           [off] I just wanted to...to check on my project. SOUND          KNOT TIED TIGHTLY CARPEL         You got an A.  Now go away! TODD           [off] I...um...Well, all right. SOUND          SECOND KNOT CREAKS MISSY          [sharp moan] CARPEL         [muttered] Better not hit her again...  a gag!  Yes, um... oh, no that's filthy... um... [catches himself and starts to laugh hysterically]  MISSY          [moans] CARPEL         [worried noise] Ahh! SOUND          TISSUE PAPER GRABBED AND SHOVED INTO MOUTH CARPEL         That should do it.  Now. SOUND          BOOK CREAKS OPEN, PAGES FLIP CARPEL         Right. SOUND          FUMBLING WITH GLASSES CARPEL         [reading from a list] Five black candles check.  Oil.  Salt.  Knife, oh yes. SOUND          PULLS THE THINGS OUT AS HE NAMES THEM, SETS KNIFE DOWN, AND IT CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR. MUSIC AMB            OUTSIDE HAL            [to self] Um, hi Lyn!  No.  [mister slick] "Hey. Prom?  Yeah."  No.  Uh!  [grunt as he's shoved aside] BARB           [disparaging noise] Walk much?  [to Lyn] It's all arranged. LYN            How could you--? BARB           What?  So I helped you.  Have a cow. LYN            HELPED me?  You-- BARB           Selflessly gave you my ex‑.  Isn't there an award for that?  Oh, get that out of my face! GEE            What?  Oh, sorry, right, if you cross a witch with your shadow, she loses her power over you. SOUND          UMBRELLA COLLAPSES BARB           What-ever.  Lyn.  Walk. HAL            Oh, darnit.  SOUND          [OFF] UMBRELLA UP AGAIN HAL            Aah! GEE            Oh, jeez!  Sorry! HAL            No.. no worries. [defeated sigh] GEE            [tsks merrily] LYN            But you...like...Andy? BARB           Of course I do.  This is just for tonight. GEE            [catching up] Let me guess.  You fixed him up with Lyn so he wouldn't get snatched up by someone more like...hmm...You? ...at prom. BARB           [snide] Coming from someone who carries a black umbrella and only dates on-line. GEE            It's a parasol, and I'll still have a complexion when I'm 40! BARB           Oh, yeah?  That white makeup will suck all your vitamin D! GEE            Lizard neck! LYN            Gee, leave off, OK? GEE            [exasperated sigh] BARB           [muttered] Little "Bite-Me Barbie". LYN            You leave off too. MUSIC AMB            WOOD SHOP SOUND          HEAVY CANDLE SET DOWN CARPEL         Five.  Lit counterclockwise, um... SOUND          CLOCK TICKS FOR A MINUTE CARPEL         Right. MISSY          [moans, then starts to wake, tries to scream around the tissue] CARPEL         [more whiny than scary]  I'll hit you again if I have to.  SOUND          TURNS A PAGE CARPEL         Circle of chicken blood.  SOUND          LID UNSCREWS ON PLASTIC BOTTLE, RATTLES AWAY MISSY          [SCREAMS AROUND THE PAPER] MUSIC AMB            OUTSIDE SOUND          HAL DROPS HIS PACK, THEN SITS HAL            Psyche 101. [grunts as he sits] BUD            What? HAL            Psyche 101...I could be a shrink, right? BUD            Yeah, right. HAL            Maybe I could specialize in abnormal psychology...you could be my first case study. BUD            Or him. TODD           [muttering] I just wanted to see her, and give her this heart - it's just the right size-- SOUND          RATTLE OF TINY NECKLACE CHAIN BUD            The resident wood shop mad genius? BOB            [calling from off] Ooh, it's Todd...hey, did Barbie ever return your calls? FRED           [calling from off] Maybe he's taking Chatty Kathy to the dance tonight. BOB            [calling from off] A blow-up doll'd be a better choice, Todd...at least then you'd have a chance of getting a little. TODD           [still muttered] Laurel's not a doll, she's a statue.  She's ART. GEE            Leave off, you scrotes. FRED           I vanda suckya blood! GEE            You wouldn't know what to DO with my blood.  MUSIC AMB            WOOD SHOP SOUND          LIQUID POURING onto floor CARPEL         [chanting] MISSY          [moaning] SOUND          ROPES CREAK AS SHE STRUGGLES MUSIC TODD           [muttering] Laurel is perfect.  I made her that way, and she understands me--[gasp] SOUND          THUD AS HE RUNS INTO BARB BARB           [uh!] Dweeb.  Get some glasses. [back to Lyn] I'll even get you a dress.  It won't be Vogue, but... SOUND          CELL PHONE BEING DIALED LYN            [weakening] But I don't want a dress.  I really ...Barb...I don't like this. BARB           No problem, really. LYN            But-- BARB           I'd loan you one of mine, but it wouldn't fit.  Like a basketball hoop catching tennis balls. LYN            [very uncomfortable noise]  Umm.  BARB           Jeez.  Missy's not picking up.  Wonder who she's doing? MUSIC AMB            WOOD SHOP SOUND          SCRAPE OF KNIFE BEING PICKED UP CARPEL         CHANTING SOUND          CELL PHONE MUSIC SOUND          KNIFE CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR CARPEL         What the--?  Oh, heavens! SOUND          RUMMAGING THROUGH HER PURSE, VARIOUS THINGS TOSSED ONTO FLOOR, SOMETHING SQUEAKS AS IT HITS SOUND          FINALLY FINDS PHONE, PUSHES BUTTONS, BUT NOTHING WILL STOPS IT, FINALLY THROWS IT AGAINST WALL AND STOMPS ON IT SOUND          PHONE DIES SOUND          ASTHMA INHALER MUSIC AMB            OUTSIDE LYN            All right!  I'll...I can borrow a dress from Jean...we wear the same size. BARB           Your little sister?  She's a baby, how could she have a decent dress? LYN            Who else is my mom gonna dress up?  Me? MUSIC WOOD SHOP CARPEL CHANTS AGAIN SOUND          BOOK CREAKS OPEN SOUND          KNIFE PICKED UP OFF FLOOR WITH SCRAPE MISSY          [struggling weakly] SOUND          SUDDENLY, LUNGES, PLUNGES KNIFE INTO MISSY WITH HORRIBLE SQUISHY NOISE.  GRINDS IT AROUND A BIT, MAKING SURE SHE'S DEAD MISSY          [death rattle] CARPEL         [breathing heavily]   SOUND          WIPES SWEAT OFF HIS FACE, THEN REACTS AS HE REALIZES HE JUST SMEARED BLOOD ALL OVER HIMSELF. CARPEL         gah!! SOUND          DASH TO SINK, RUNS WATER MUSIC AMB            OUTSIDE, BUT AWAY FROM PEOPLE TODD           [muttering to self] I spent so much time carving her.  I know the project called for raw wood, no paint, but now that they're graded and everything, there's nothing wrong with a little embellishment. SOUND          DELICATE NECKLACE CHAIN TODD           Gold will suit her dark grain.  Oh Laurel! MUSIC AMB            WOOD SHOP SOUND          TAPS TURNED OFF SOUND          DRIPPING CARPEL         Right.  The blood.  SOUND          METAL BOWL OUT OF BAG, CATCHES DRIPS CARPEL         Almost done now.  [ecstatic]  And then they'll see!  They'll all see! SOUND          DRIPPING SLOWS CARPEL         No, no, I need more....  I think I need more!  Oh!  Here. SOUND          CUTS A ROPE, ROLLS BODY ONTO ITS SIDE SOUND          GUSHY NOISES, MORE DRIPPING CARPEL         There we go!  That's about enough.  SOUND          DRIPPING CONTINUES, BODY FLOPS CARPEL         Enough!  SOUND          SHOVE BODY, IT ROLLS WITH A GUSHY NOISE CARPEL         Sorry about that, Missy, but it had to be done.  I wish you'd just stayed unconscious.  Wouldn't have been so awful for you. SOUND          SETS DOWN SLOSHY BOWL SOUND          OPENS GLASS DOOR OF CASE CARPEL         [chanting again] SOUND          PICKS UP BOWL SOUND          LIQUID BEING POURED MUSIC AMB            GYM [EVERYTHING ECHOES] SOUND          SOUND CHECK IN BACKGROUND SOUND          QUICK STRIDES ACROSS WOOD FLOOR HAL            --it's in the band locker.  You gotta let me in. PEABODY        [over his shoulder] The school is locked up for the night.  Besides, the old one's in the drama loft...use it. HAL            But it's a piece of crap!  The foam rubber's all gone to dust...you can't even breathe in the darn thing. PEABODY        You only have to wear it during the announcements.  Surely you weren't planning to parade around in the ludicrous mascot costume all night? HAL            [clearly disappointed] Guess not. PEABODY        Quickly, then... MUSIC CARPEL         [The chant ends.] SOUND          CREAKING OF WOOD [NOTE]         ESTABLISH THE DISTINCTIVE SOUND OF EACH OF THE DOLLS - LAUREL, ahhhh noises; LEDERHOSEN GUY, EVIL CHUCKLE; MONKEYHEAD, SCREECHES; SURFER DUDE, LONG DUH; AND THE MAJORETTE, RHYTHMIC CLICKING SOUNDS. CARPEL         It worked!  They live! MUSIC AMB            GYM SOUND          LIQUID POURING SOUND          FEET ON STEP LADDER ANGELA         Hand me the tape, Marge? SNODGRASS      Do I look like someone with three hands? ANGELA         [to herself] No, you look like a shaved bulldog in a safety orange muumuu. SOUND          POURING STOPS SNODGRASS      Huh? ANGELA         [covering] Just admiring your dress! SNODGRASS      [taking it seriously]   It ain't just anybody can wear this color.  You were looking for tape? MUSIC SOUND          TAPPING OF DOLL FEET AS THEY CLIMB DOWN CARPEL         You are mine!  My servants!  My revenge! SOUND          WOODEN FEET AS THEY HOP DOWN LEDERHOSEN GUY EVIL CHUCKLE SOUND          MOVED QUICKLY TOWARD CARPEL CARPEL         No!  No!  Not me!  You're supposed to obey me!  Stop! SOUND          PAGING THROUGH BOOK CARPEL         Obey me!  You're my minions! SOUND          THE DOLLS ATTACK.  TRIP CARPEL, PUMMEL HIM. CARPEL         What are you doing with that awl!  You could put an eye out-- [ahh!  Gurgle, whiny death noises] SOUND          FUTILE POUNDING OF TINY FISTS ON LOCKED DOOR END OF PART 1

The crew of a U-Boat in the Great War find some danger runs very very deep CAST Cap. Karl Heinrich - Rick Lewis Lt. Keinze - J. Hoverson Crew:  Shawn Connor & Bryan Hendricksen Music by:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Art - Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a U-boat of the Kaiserliche Marine - can't you tell?" ______________________________________________________________ THE TEMPLE Cast: Lieutenant Commander Karl HEINRICH, Graf von Altberg-Ehrenstein, Lieutenant-Commander in the Imperial German Navy, Prussian (mid 30s?) Lieutenant Jurgen KIENZE, second in command, "womanish Rhinelander" (30) Boatswain MULLER, elderly "superstitious Alsatian swine" SCHMIDT [mid 20s - goes mad] ZIMMER [mid 20s - leads delegation to get rid of idol] BOHIN [mid 20s - goes mad] RAABE [early 20s - engineer] SCHNEIDER [early 20s - engineer] OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a U-Boat of the Kaiserlich Marine, can't you tell?  (That's World War I, for all you younger folks...) [My apologies for any mischaracterization of Germans - it's all from Lovecraft's original text.  His complete lack of knowledge of U-Boats also - But I had to leave in the portholes to support the story.  Any mistakes in military etiquette of the time are probably mine, though.] MUSIC SCENE 1. AMBIANCE     U-BOAT ENGINE SEAMEN     [murmuring voices] SOUND     HATCH OPENS, CLANGING FOOTSTEPS KIENZE     Achtung!  Kapitanleutnant Heinrich on deck! SEAMEN     [instantly silent] HEINRICH     [commanding, slightly angry sounding]  Ser gut!  I have been reviewing the log regarding the sinking of the British freighter Victory, and I must say [getting ominous] that you are - most definitely - [spitting out the words] the single, absolute, most efficient U-boat crew in the Atlantic.  [laughs]  At ease, at ease. SEAMEN     [Excited chatter] KIENZE     I myself cannot wait to view the film we took. HEINRICH     Ya, ya.  [aside] The camera was off before we sank the lifeboats? KIENZE     As always, Kaleu. SOUND     HEARTY CLAP ON SHOULDER HEINRICH     Most excellent.  Come Kienze, I have a bottle of some fine Schnapps.  You must help me celebrate. MUSIC     in then under   SCENE 2. HEINRICH     [on a recording, tired sounding] On August 20, 1917, I, Karl Heinrich, Graf von Altberg-Ehrenstein, Lieutenant-Commander in the Imperial German Navy and in charge of the submarine U-29, deposit this bottle and record in the Atlantic Ocean at a point to me unknown but probably about North Latitude 20 degrees, West Longitude 35 degrees, where my ship lies disabled on the ocean floor. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 3. SFX     SUBMARINE SURFACES SOUND     HATCH OPENS AMBIANCE     CALM SEA, OCCASIONAL BIRDS SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON METAL HEINRICH     [grunt - stretching noise]  There is nothing like the first step out on deck after a victory, eh?. KIENZE     A "Victory"?  [chuckles]  Ya.  Very amusing. MULLER     [off]  Kaleu, sir!  Come! SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON METAL HEINRICH     What could be so--  Oh! MULLER     He must be from the Victory, sir! KIENZE     Alive? HEINRICH     Don't be foolish, Kienze, we were far too long submerged.  He would have had a better chance if he let go and braved the waves.  [shouting off]  Remove the corpse! [NOTE - red text will come back at the end in echoes] ZIMMER     Sir!  His hands are in a death grip!  HEINRICH     Fingers break more easily than railings. ZIMMER     [hesitantly] uh... Aye sir! SOUND     POUNDING NOISES HEINRICH     [sanctimonious] One more victim of the unjust war of aggression the English schweinhunds are waging upon the Reich. KIENZE     Truly, he is our victim.  Nothing more. HEINRICH     You do not see the whole picture - [amused] Just like a soft-headed Rhinelander.  If you were a solid Prussian like myself-- SEAMEN     [OFF - NOISE OF AN ALTERCATION] HEINRICH     Vas is los?  Go and see. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON METAL KIENZE     What is this?  What is this?  Achtung! SOUND     SCRAMBLE OF MEN GETTING TO THEIR FEET KIENZE     What is so very exciting? ZIMMER     Sir!  Schmidt took something from the pocket of the ... [gulp] d-dead one. KIENZE     Schmidt?  Would you show this to me? SCHMIDT     It is nothing, Leutnant.  KIENZE     I will judge that.  Give it me.  [beat]  Well, this is... certainly something.  I am confiscating it - now put that over the side. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON METAL HEINRICH     So? KIENZE     A bauble.  Ivory, I think - looks like a classical bust, ya? HEINRICH     Not a senator, though - this one is much too young and handsome. KIENZE     Possibly a kaiser?  HEINRICH     Or a god. KIENZE     [reluctantly] It is yours, if you want it.  It might be valuable-- HEINRICH     No, no. I have not the sentimental-- MULLER     [off, screams] SOUND     FOOTSTEPS RUNNING ON METAL HEINRICH     [puffing only slightly] What is it? SCHMIDT     [shivering with fear] Muller, sir - it is Muller! KIENZE     Muller's unconscious. HEINRICH     Wake him. SOUND     SLAPS MULLER     [wails] SOUND     ANOTHER SLAP MULLER     [gasps, is silent] HEINRICH     Get him up here.  [command] Stations! SOUND     RUNNING FEET CLANG AWAY KIENZE     Are you going to talk sense now? MULLER     [hollow]  His eyes!  His eyes! KIENZE      Whose eyes?  Speak sense! SOUND     SLAP HEINRICH     Enough!  Muller.  Tell me what is wrong. MULLER     Ya, mein kapitan!  [trying to calm down]  The body - the eyes were closed.  But when they rolled it over the side, they opened - and they were mocking us! HEINRICH     [casual] Superstitious rubbish.  Muller, you have seen corpses before now, and-- MULLER     Sir!  But that is not all!  He--  [sullen, inward] You will not believe me! KIENZE     You are under orders to speak. MULLER     I-- watched as the body hit the water.  I saw it sink beneath the waves, and-- HEINRICH     And--? MULLER     [almost a whisper] It drew its limbs in, and swam away. KIENZE     You filthy lying--! [grunt as about to slap him again] HEINRICH     Nein, Leutnant.  [calming]  Muller.  You know this cannot be true, don't you? MULLER     But I saw-- HEINRICH     Water is deceptive.  It is strange, ya, that the body simply sank - but that is probably due to its waterlogged condition after being held under on our railing for hours.  Beyond that--?  It is all a trick of the light. MULLER     Truly? HEINRICH     I will hear no more about it, ya? MÜLLER     But you should keep no part of him on the ship - it is bad luck.  The statue-- HEINRICH     Is nothing.  It is a trinket.  You go about your duties now, Boatswain. SOUND     RELUCTANT FOOTSTEPS AWAY HEINRICH     Pfaugh.  [muttered growl] Superstitious Alsatian swine!  Why am I surrounded by inferior-- KIENZE     Kaleu?  Do you wish that I throw the bust overb-- HEINRICH     Nonsense.  We do not give in to fear.  We are men of the twentieth century - and, more importantly, officers in the Kaiserliche Marine.  KIENZE     I could... tell them I threw it-- HEINRICH     Do not show weakness.  It makes you sound unreliable. MUSIC     in and under   SCENE 4. HEINRICH     [canned] The next day a very troublesome situation was created by the indisposition of some of the crew.  Evidently suffering from the nervous strain of our long voyage, they had had bad dreams.  When weather turned choppy, we descended to a depth where the sea was comparatively calm, despite a somewhat puzzling southward current which we could not identify from our oceanographic charts. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 5. SOUND     HATCH CLOSES SFX     SUBMARINE SUBMERGES SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON METAL RAABE     Under-Engineer Raabe, here to make a report, sir! HEINRICH     Where is Schneider?  RAABE     He is ... unwell, sir. HEINRICH     What is wrong? RAABE     He... did not sleep well, sir. HEINRICH     What? KIENZE     It is the same with many of the men, Kaleu.  They are feverish and say they have had bad dreams. HEINRICH     If they are shirking, I will-- RAABE     Sir, no!  Schmidt is burning up with fever, screaming all night in his berth.  HEINRICH     [sympathetic] Then you did not sleep well either, I expect? RAABE     Nein, Kaleu. HEINRICH     [very pleased] Yet you are here, like a good sailor.  Good man-- MULLER     [muttered off] It is the idol.  It is accursed. HEINRICH     What?  Muller? MULLER     [panicky] Nothing.  I said nothing sir. KIENZE     He said-- HEINRICH     [grim] I heard what he said.  Muller, I will have none of this wild peasant superstition on my ship! KIENZE     [amused undertone] You forget, mein noble Kapitan, I am a commoner as well. HEINRICH     [dismissively] Burgher stock.  [teasing slightly]  And they made you an officer - you must have some good qualities. MULLER     What does it matter?  We are all doomed! RAABE     [dismissive] Doomed?  Because some men are sick? HEINRICH     Sehr gut.  We must remain rational at times like these.  Retain our iron German will.  [sharp] Kienze? KIENZE     [snapping to] Ya mein kapitanleutnant? HEINRICH     Remove Boatswain Muller.  KIENZE     Ya, Kaleu.  MUSIC     in and under   SCENE 6. HEINRICH     [canned]  The moans of the sick men were decidedly annoying; but since they did not appear to demoralize the rest of the crew, we did not resort to ... extreme measures. It was our plan to remain where we were and intercept the liner Dacia, mentioned in information from agents in New York. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 7. SOUND      INSIDE THE BOAT.  MANY FEET RUNNING ACROSS METAL, FEET STOP ABRUPTLY CROWD     [muttering, backs up Zimmer throughout the scene.] HEINRICH     Und vas is los? ZIMMER     [clears throat]  Kapitanleutnant, we must request - most strenuously - that you-- HEINRICH     Is this about that knickknack?  What sort of Gypsies are you, to believe such phantasms?  ZIMMER     But what could it hurt, sir?  It is surely not so valuable that it is worth risking-- HEINRICH     What?  Risking what?  The only thing we are risking here is our mission. BOHIN     We will all die! ZIMMER     Shh.  [trying to sound reasonable] Morale, mein kapitan.  It is such a small thing, yet would mean so much to the men. HEINRICH     [low, despising] I see no men here. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 8. HEINRICH     [canned] Everyone seemed inclined to be silent now, as though holding a secret fear. Many were ill, but none made a disturbance. Lieutenant Kienze chafed under the strain, and was annoyed by the merest trifle - such as the schools of dolphins which passed the U-29 in increasing numbers, and the growing intensity of that southward current which was not on our chart. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 9. SOUND     HATCH CLANGS SHUT AMBIANCE     UP TOPSIDE SCHMIDT     That makes seven of us.  We can surely-- ZIMMER     Muller is still in irons.  He can be no help. BOHIN     Muller saw them! ZIMMER     Shh.  None of the crazy talk, Bohin.  We cannot let ourselves-- BOHIN     [too intense to be sane] I have not seen them, but they call to me!  Their voices are like the waves - but waves that make words! SCHMIDT     [sigh] So there are six of us. SOUND     HATCH OPENS, A COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS RAABE     What is going on here? SCHMIDT     [snort] We are planning a party.  What does it look like? RAABE     What is happening that makes everyone so-- BOHIN     There!  In the WATER!  They have come! RAABE     --Crazy? SOUND     RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, A STRUGGLE, A BODY SLAMMED AGAINST METAL. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 10. HEINRICH     [canned]  He was in a detestably childish state, and babbled of some illusion of dead bodies drifting past the portholes; bodies which he recognized, in spite of bloating, as having seen dying during some of our victorious German exploits. And he said that the young man we had found and tossed overboard was their leader. This was very gruesome and abnormal. MUSIC     HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 11. RAABE     Seaman Bohin tried to leap off the deck.  We had to hold him down until the madness left him, sir. KIENZE     All for such a small thing. SOUND     SMALL IVORY STATUE SET ON TABLE RAABE     That is what this is all about? KIENZE     Just that. SOUND      FOOTSTEPS, STATUE IS SNATCHED UP AND PUT AWAY IN A POCKET ZIMMER     Sir!  Leutnant Kienze?  Bohin is gone!  He is nowhere on the ship.  MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 12. HEINRICH     [canned]  It at length became apparent that we had missed the Dacia altogether. Such failures are not uncommon, and we were more pleased than disappointed, since our return to Wilhelmshaven was now in order. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 13. SOUND     MEASURED FOOTSTEPS AMB     INSIDE SEAMEN     [Muffled, CHEERS!!!] HEINRICH     [sigh]  This soft-headedness is not good.  Morale is the result of willpower, not coddling. KIENZE     Still, I too will be glad when this trip is over.  That southern current we have blundered into bothers me. HEINRICH     It explains how we missed our target.  Not every inch of the ocean is charted properly.  KIENZE     But it is so strong - to be overlooked. RAABE     [clears his throat]  Sir? HEINRICH     Schneider still not feeling well? RAABE     He prefers to remain in the engine room, sir.  He does not like ... being near portholes. KIENZE     Portholes? RAABE     His dreams haunt him.  [hurriedly] But he is not impaired in his job. HEINRICH     [teasing] Well, certainly you did not come all this way to tell us Senior Engineer Schneider does not like portholes.  Out with it! RAABE     Something fantastic has happened.  The boat - it is surrounded by -- dolphins. HEINRICH     Dolphins?  How many? SOUND     KIENZE'S FOOTSTEPS GO AWAY KIENZE     [off] Ya, come and look!  They are everywhere! HEINRICH     Finally something the superstitious can interpret as a good sign, ya? KIENZE     [jubilant] Just as we decide to return to Schlicktown!  This should truly mollify them. HEINRICH     [dry] How fortunate. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 14. HEINRICH     [canned] At noon June 28 we turned northeastward, and despite some rather comical entanglements with the unusual masses of dolphins, were soon under way. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 15. SOUND     SNORING [HEINRICH] SFX     EXPLOSION HEINRICH     [wakes up] What?  What? SOUND     MANY RUNNING FEET, SOME BARE, ONE PAIR OF BOOTS STOMPS THROUGH CALMLY HEINRICH     Report.  Someone report! SCHMIDT     This is your fault, you swine!  You made us‑‑ SOUND     SLAP, BODY HITS METAL WALL HEINRICH     SHUT UP.  Is there anyone who can talk sense? KIENZE     [breathless, and coughing]  They have the fire out.  The explosion was in the engine room.  HEINRICH     What caused it? KIENZE     They have found no cause as yet.  The damage is extensive.  All systems have not yet been tested, but it is certain we have no steering. HEINRICH     No--?  What about the air compressors? KIENZE     They appear undamaged.  But, mein freund-- HEINRICH     Ya?  What is it? KIENZE     Schneider and - and Raabe - they were killed instantly. HEINRICH     [long indrawn breath, then cold as he can be]  That is most unfortunate. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 16. HEINRICH     [canned] Our situation had suddenly become grave indeed; for though the chemical air regenerators were intact, and we could use the devices for raising and submerging the ship and opening the hatches as long as compressed air and storage batteries might hold out, we were powerless to propel or guide the submarine. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 17. SOUND     SNORING [KIENZE] SOUND     CURTAIN OPENS VERY STEALTHILY, HUSHED FOOTSTEPS, RUSTLING KIENZE     [snoring stops] SCHMIDT     [gasp] SOUND     SCUFFLE SOUND      COCK OF GUN KIENZE     What is it you think you are doing? SCHMIDT     [nutso] He demands it!  He will not let me sleep until it is returned to him! HEINRICH     [off] Was iss? KIENZE      A mutiny, kaleu. MUSIC     VERY BRIEF HEINRICH     [muttered] Can we do without Schmidt, short as we are of hands? KIENZE     Hah!  With no engines to maintain, I must always find make-work for the men.  They will go mad [bad choice of words] -- they are restless if left sitting on their hands. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 18. HEINRICH     [canned] German lives are precious, but the constant raving of Schmidt concerning a terrible curse was most subversive of discipline, so drastic steps were taken. The crew accepted the event in a sullen fashion. MUSIC      FADED OUT   SCENE 19. AMBIANCE     INSIDE SOUND     HATCH OPENS ZIMMER     [jubilant, yelling down from above] A ship!  We are delivered! HEINRICH     [composed]  Excellent.  You see, Kienze?  It is never so dark that there is no light.  Come along. SOUND      STEPS CLIMBING LADDER, THEN OUT ON DECK KIENZE     Give me the glasses. ZIMMER      But it is a ship, leutnant, isn't that enough? KIENZE     [suspicious]  Glasses, now! SOUND     A BEAT, THEN HEAVY ITEM PUT IN GLOVED HAND. HEINRICH     Vas ist? KIENZE     [disappointed and disgusted] Yankees.  ZIMMER     But surely surrender is better than death-- HEINRICH     [cold] Zimmer? ZIMMER     [braced for the worst]  Ya, kapitanleutnant? HEINRICH     [colder] Prepare for a dive. SOUND     GOING DOWN LADDER. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 20. HEINRICH     [canned] We did not descend far.  After several hours, we decided to return to the surface, however, the ship failed to respond to our direction in spite of all that the mechanics could do. Some of the men began to mutter again, but the sight of an automatic pistol calmed them. MUSIC      HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 21. KIENZE     Kaleu, the men are very restless.  They fear the worst, being trapped and drifting.  They blame us for making a bad decision. HEINRICH     [offhand] It was the only decision to make.  None but a weakling would surrender to the Yankees.  KIENZE     Any man may turn weak in such conditions-- HEINRICH     [self-satisfied] No Prussian.  And if I must be the backbone so my crew can stand straight as men, so be it.  KIENZE     The men are restless.  Angry. HEINRICH     [dangerous] If they will not stand, then I will put them down and stamp their bodies into pulp fit only to paint the walls. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 22. HEINRICH     [canned] It was about 5 A.M., that the general mutiny broke loose. The six remaining pigs of seamen, suspecting that we were lost, suddenly burst into a mad fury, roared like the animals they were, and broke instruments and furniture indiscriminately. Leutnant Kienze seemed paralyzed and inefficient, as one might expect of a soft, womanish Rhinelander. MUSIC     HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 23. SOUND     FADING IN, SIX GUNSHOTS, ECHO FADES AWAY HEINRICH      [breathing hard] KIENZE     [gasping, almost hysterical] HEINRICH     [deep breath] Get up. KIENZE     [gasps] Did you--?  Was that ... necessary? HEINRICH     [scornful laugh] You saw them.  Now, stand.  We need to clean house. KIENZE     What do you plan to do? HEINRICH     What else?  Put them out.  We can’t keep them here to stink up the place. SOUND      SCUFFLING, THEN SHUFFLING FEET KIENZE     We can use the top hatch-- HEINRICH     Ya, ya.  [going off] Make sure they are all dead, will you?  KIENZE     [calling] Where are--?  This will be easier with two. HEINRICH     [turning back, briefly] So would killing them, but I had to handle that.  This is your part.  [leaving again] Let me know when you need help getting them up into the hatch. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 24. HEINRICH     [canned] Our compasses, depth gauges, and other delicate instruments were ruined by the rampage of those swine; henceforth our only reckoning would be guesswork, based on our watches, the calendar, and our apparent rate of drift. MUSIC     FADED OUT   SCENE 25. SOUND     FEET COMING IN [KEINZE] HEINRICH     Look at this. KIENZE     [coming in]  Ya?  Oh, ya, more dolphins.  Very exciting. HEINRICH     No, no - this one here.  See the one with the scar? KIENZE     Ya. HEINRICH     How deep are we, did we determine? KIENZE     Too deep for dolphins, certainly, but-- HEINRICH     I have been watching this one in the searchlight for two hours now - and he has not left our side.  Delphinus delphis is a cetacean mammal, unable to subsist without air. KIENZE     Perhaps they are magic dolphins.  [trying to chuckle] I'm not interested in them until we run out of other rations. HEINRICH     It is a very important discovery.  Perhaps a new sub-species. KIENZE     [sigh] I'm sure the dolphins will be fascinated when you present your paper to them. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 26. HEINRICH     [canned] With the passage of time Kienze and I decided that we were still drifting south, meanwhile sinking deeper and deeper. I could not help observing, however, the inferior scientific knowledge of my companion. His mind was not Prussian, but given to imaginings with no value. MUSIC     HAS FADED OUT   SCENE 27. SOUND     SEARCHLIGHT COMES ON KIENZE     Fabulous, isn’t it? HEINRICH     Sunken ships? Interesting, yes, but fabulous?  What else are you likely to find on the ocean floor?  KIENZE     No, no - look there.  To the right.  You see?  That peak.  It is -- HEINRICH     A rock. KIENZE     No!  It is too regular for a rock.  You will see when we get closer. HEINRICH     Wake me when you can see it, then.  I think I will have some sleep. KIENZE     You don't care? HEINRICH     Ya, ya.  Do you need me to remain? SOUND     SITS IN CHAIR KIENZE     [beat] We have lost our escort. SOUND      LEAFING THROUGH A BOOK HEINRICH     Vas? KIENZE     Your beloved dolphins.  They have finally abandoned us. HEINRICH     I am more surprised they remained with us so long. KIENZE     [beat] What are we to do? HEINRICH     Do?  About the dolphins?  I am sure they can take care of themselves. KIENZE     You know what I mean!  What are we to do when we run out of...  of... everything HEINRICH     That is days, perhaps weeks away.  Why waste angst? KIENZE     But - there is no hope.  We will ... we must die. HEINRICH     Everyone must die. KEINZE     We could try and get to the surface - one of us - in the diving suit.  HEINRICH     And how deep did we decide we were? KEINZE     [beat, sigh] very deep. HEINRICH     If you want to take the suit, and try to get it to the surface, you are welcome.  But you know what will happen. KEINZE     It is possible to survive caissons disease. ["the bends"]  Even drastic decompression-- HEINRICH     As a cripple?  With joints that never work without pain?  With skin so damaged no one can look you in the face?  Perhaps paralyzed, even?  Incontinent? KEINZE     [sigh] HEINRICH     Better to die as a man than live as a beast.  Of course you might be lucky and have an embolism on the way up, and then ride the waves as a corpse.  MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 28. HEINRICH     [canned] His mind was tired, but I am always a German, and was quick to notice that the U-29 was standing the deep-sea pressure splendidly. Our southward speed, as gauged by the ocean floor, was about as I had estimated from the organisms passed at higher levels. MUSIC     FADE AND OUT   SCENE 29. SOUND     BOTTLE POURS KIENZE     [slightly drunk]  Ya, plenty of air and food, but this [long gulping swig] won't last forever. HEINRICH     Not at the rate you are abusing it. KIENZE     I cannot lose myself in study as you do.  What is the point?  So you know so much more before you die.  HEINRICH     It is not impossible we will encounter another u-boat. KIENZE     Wake up Karl!  This boat - it is our tomb.  We are dead men.  All we have left to do is lie down. HEINRICH     Go to bed, Leutnant.  There is no point in talking when you are totalblau. KIENZE     [laughs bitterly]  You are going to give me orders yet?  What if I disobey?  You clap me in irons?  You will shoot me? HEINRICH     [close and dangerous]  I will remind you that you are a man, a trained soldier, and an officer of the kaiser's navy, and as such you should have the will to face death.  KIENZE     I am a soldier, ya.  I can face death in battle.  It is this lingering, drifting fate that horrifies me.  It is like having a fatal disease - you know you must die, but you cannot know when. HEINRICH     Very well, then. SOUND     GUN OUT OF HOLSTER, CLICK AS BULLETS ARE CHECKED, GUN DROPPED ON TABLE HEINRICH     More air for me. SOUND     RATTLE OF CURTAIN, FOOTSTEPS LEAVE, RATTLE OF GUN ON TABLE MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 30. HEINRICH     [canned] The fact of our coming death affected Kienze curiously.  I was very sorry for him, for I dislike to see a German suffer; but he was not a good man to die with. For myself I was proud, knowing how the Fatherland would revere my memory. MUSIC     FADES OUT   SCENE 31. SOUND     SNORING [KIENZE] KIENZE     [waking with a horrified start, screaming] He is calling! He is calling! I hear him! SOUND     FOOTSTEPS, DOOR HEINRICH     [coming on]  What is wrong? KIENZE     We must go!  He will not call forever! SOUND     SLAP KIENZE     [gasps, breathing hard, almost sobbing] HEINRICH     [commanding] Calm down. Remember yourself, man. KIENZE     V-v-vas?  Kaleu? HEINRICH     There you are.  [disdainful] You were having a nightmare.  Now you are better.  SOUND     FOOTSTEPS BEGIN TO WALK AWAY KIENZE     No. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS STOP HEINRICH     [sigh] Vas? KIENZE     It was not a dream.  It was a voice.  I still hear it, you see!  I still hear him.  He calls to me - to us.  I don't know why you cannot hear him! HEINRICH     You are still drunk.  Or deluded. KIENZE     I am not.  Truly.  If you do not believe me, look out the porthole, and you will see his face.  It is right in front of us.  HEINRICH     What?  Show me.  Ah - blackness.  Precisely what is between your ears. KIENZE     The searchlight - kommen-zie! SOUND     FOOTSTEPS, SEARCHLIGHT COMES ON KIENZE     There!  There! HEINRICH     Mein gott! MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 32. HEINRICH     [canned] I am not given to emotion of any kind, but my amazement was very great when I saw what lay revealed in that electrical glow. And yet as one reared in the best Kultur of Prussia, I should not have been amazed, for geology and tradition alike tell us of great transpositions in oceanic and continental areas. What I saw was an extended and elaborate array of ruined edifices; all in various stages of preservation. MUSIC     OUT   SCENE 33. HEINRICH     [pleased] Atlantis!  And we, Germans, have discovered it!  This is stupendous. KIENZE     He is out there.  His temple lies still before us, and he watches us from afar. HEINRICH     You saw this in your dreams? KIENZE     [disturbingly reasonable] He told me.  We should go. HEINRICH     Go?  Where? KIENZE     To him.  Come now - do not wait until later; it is better to repent and be forgiven than to defy and be condemned. HEINRICH     You think we should go outside?  We have only one diving apparatus. KIENZE     [laughs disturbingly]  A suit?  We need no suits - he will gather us to him.  HEINRICH     You have finally crossed into madness.  I will find you some medication. KIENZE     You cannot cure this with your science, Karl.  You are so sensible, and what does it get you?  Nothing.  Nothing!  Come now, or there will be nothing left for you! HEINRICH     You are mad.  KIENZE     [losing it] If I am mad, it is a blessing. May the gods pity the man who in his callousness can remain sane to the hideous end! Come and be mad whilst he still calls with mercy!   MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 34. HEINRICH     [canned] As he spoke he took his ivory image from the table, pocketed it, and seized my arm in an effort to drag me up the companionway to the deck.  When that did not work, he fled.  In a moment I heard the grind of the first hatch, and understood that he meant to open them both, exposing the U-29 to the water outside, a vagary of suicidal and homicidal mania for which I was scarcely prepared. MUSIC     OUT   SCENE 35. SOUND     THE HATCH WHEEL SPINS SOUND      GUN COCKS HEINRICH     One more move and I shoot. KIENZE     [laughs hysterically]  Shoot?  I have nothing to fear.  He will welcome me. HEINRICH     Did I say I would kill you?  I will shoot you in the leg, and clap you in irons. KIENZE     You ... would do that!? HEINRICH     Ya.  [jaunty]  But, I am not one to hold a man back.  If you wish to go, go.  I will even run the hatches for you. KIENZE     You... why? HEINRICH     Further, I will watch and make sure he finds you, once you are adrift. KIENZE     [plaintive] But you will not come with me? HEINRICH     Nein.  I have things yet to accomplish. KIENZE     Very well.  But he will not be pleased with you if you ignore his summons. MUSIC     IN AND UNDER   SCENE 36. HEINRICH     [canned] After I saw that Kienze was no longer in the boat I threw the searchlight around the water.  I wished to ascertain whether the water-pressure would flatten him as it theoretically should, or whether the body would be unaffected, like those extraordinary dolphins. I did not, however, succeed in finding my late companion, for, owing to the abruptness of the change of angle, a wire was disconnected, which necessitated a delay of many minutes for repairs. MUSIC     OUT   SCENE 37. SOUND     SEARCHLIGHT OUT [NOTE: "HIS ECHO" REFERS TO HEINRICH'S OWN WORDS FROM EARLIER IN THE SHOW - COMING BACK TO HAUNT HIM.  THEY WILL BE PUT IN IN POST, AND HEINRICH SHOULD NOT REALLY PAY ANY ATTENTION TO THEM AS HE SPEAKS, AS THEY AREN'T ACTUALLY CONVERSING.] HEINRICH     [slow sigh] HIS ECHO     [very quiet] He would have had a better chance if he let go and braved the waves.  HEINRICH     Alone.  To survive until I die.  [deep breath] Very well.  SOUND      FOOTSTEPS HIS ECHO     [very quiet]  One more victim of the unjust war of aggression... SOUND      PULL OUT BOOK, OPEN AND PAGE THROUGH.   SCENE 38. MUSIC IN HEINRICH     [canned] I must be careful how I record my awakening today, for I am unstrung, and much hallucination is necessarily mixed with fact. Psychologically my case is most interesting, and I regret that it cannot be observed scientifically by a competent German authority. HIS ECHO     If you were a solid Prussian like myself-- HEINRICH     Upon opening my eyes my first sensation was an overmastering desire to visit the rock temple that stood before the now-stationary U29. HIS ECHO     No, no. I have not the sentimental-- HEINRICH     a desire which grew every instant, yet which I automatically sought to resist. MUSIC OUT   SCENE 39. SOUND     VAGUE CHANTING, DEEP UNDER. HEINRICH     [Waking suddenly]  Heh?  What is this? SOUND     SCRABBLE OUT OF BED, CROSS ROOM HEINRICH     Light?  Where is this coming from?  [wild hope] Could it be? SOUND     RUN THROUGH SHIP HEINRICH     Where?  Another ship?  [muttered] Port side, port side.  Aha! [sound of triumph turns into sound of dismay]  HIS ECHO     Superstitious rubbish.  HEINRICH     It is alight! MUSIC UP   SCENE 40. HEINRICH     It is well that the reader accept nothing which follows as objective truth, for the events are necessarily the subjective and unreal creations of my overtaxed mind. HIS ECHO     It is all a trick of the light. HEINRICH     When I attained the conning tower I found the sea in general far less luminous than I had expected. But the door and windows of the undersea temple hewn from the rocky hill were vividly aglow with a flickering radiance, as from a mighty altar-flame far within. HIS ECHO     I will have none of this wild peasant superstition on my ship! HEINRICH     The light showed that the friezes which covered the front of the temple, clearly carved from the solid rock of the cliffside, depicted many repetitions of but one face - the same face as the ivory bust which Kienze had carried back to the sea with him. HIS ECHO     --this one is much too young and handsome. HEINRICH     The rest is very simple. HIS ECHO     --a god. HEINRICH     My impulse to visit and enter the temple has now become an inexplicable and imperious command which ultimately cannot be denied. HIS ECHO     This soft-headedness is not good.  HEINRICH     My own German will no longer controls my acts, and volition is henceforward possible only in minor matters. HIS ECHO     Do not show weakness.  It makes you sound unreliable. HEINRICH     When first I saw that I must go, HIS ECHO     That is most unfortunate. HEINRICH     I prepared my diving suit, helmet, and air regenerator for instant donning, HIS ECHO     --have an embolism on the way up, and ride the waves as a corpse.  HEINRICH     and immediately commenced to write this hurried chronicle in the hope that it may some day reach the world. HIS ECHO     This is your part.  HEINRICH     I shall seal the manuscript in a bottle and entrust it to the sea as I leave the U-29 forever. HIS ECHO     Better to die as a man than live as a beast. HEINRICH     I have no fear, not even from the prophecies of the madman Kienze. HIS ECHO     None but a weakling would surrender HEINRICH     What I have seen cannot be true, and I know that this madness of my own, will at most lead only to suffocation when my air is gone. HIS ECHO     you should have the will to face death. HEINRICH     The light in the temple is a sheer delusion, and I shall die calmly like a German, in the black and forgotten depths. HIS ECHO     Why waste angst? HEINRICH     This demoniac laughter which I hear as I write comes only from my own weakening brain. HIS ECHO     blackness.  Precisely what is between your ears. HEINRICH     So I will carefully don my suit and walk boldly up the steps into the primal shrine, that silent secret of unfathomed waters and uncounted years. HIS ECHO     If you wish to go, go.  END  

When Cael Carzfinker, blade maiden of the ninth rank (etc., etc.) comes to the castle of Evil Wizard Mazurin to rescue a captive prince, the outcome is.... magical. Cast List Cael - Julie Hoverson Amalan - Krystal Baker Mazurin - Gareth Bowley Gigli - Reynaud LeBoeuf Prince Tupin - Abner Senires Music:  Celestial Aeon Project and Matti Paalanen Editing / Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a road through a dark and spooky forest, leading up to an evil wizard's castle" ________________________________________________   SWORD KVETCH Cast: Mazurin, Evil Wizard Cael, Amazon Warrior Tupin, Captive Prince Gigli, Goblin Amalan, Magic Sword OLIVIA      What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's the dark woods outside an evil castle, can't you tell?  MUSIC AMB     SPOOKY NIGHT WOODS SOUND     WOLF HOWL IN THE DISTANCE SOUND     HOOVES ON DIRT UNDER CAEL     [sigh] Typical. AMALAN     What? CAEL     I could write a ballad already.  AMALAN     Oh, no.  No, no, no - that's not your job. CAEL     Shh.  I'm composing. [muttering to self] AMALAN     [whispered] [sigh] Typical. CAEL     Evil castle looms ahead....  Hmm... Nighttime, need to rest my head-- AMALAN     You can't rhyme head with ahead. CAEL     It rhymes, doesn't it? AMALAN     [exasperated sigh] CAEL     [vague threat] I'm getting another sword. AMALAN     You always say that, but you know you couldn't do without me.  CAEL     [exasperated sigh] AMALAN     And who could you ever pass me off to? CAEL     Someone deaf. MUSIC AMD     ECHOEY CASTLE SOUND     SLAPPY FOOTSTEPS RUN IN GIGLI     [coming on]  Master!  Master! MAZURIN     [distracted]  Mm? GIGLI     Master! MAZURIN     Shh-shh-shh.  [excited] Do you see what I have here, my smelly little homunculi? GIGLI     But master--! MAZURIN     [tsks]  I've turned this drop of water into an equal measure of dust. GIGLI     [flat] Why? MAZURIN     It's a vital transmutation.  A change like this could make a great deal of difference! GIGLI     To a thirsty cockroach? MAZURIN     No no, you have to see how, yes, on a tiny scale, this could be a negligible change-- GIGLI     [sigh] Sir? MAZURIN     --But if you do this a million times at once, with a million drops of water, you could cause an entire lake to suddenly turn to dust, ruining agriculture.  And then, with a simple reverse, water from dust! GIGLI     Good.  Lovely.  Can I report now?  It's kind of urgent. SOUND     FIDDLING ABOUT WITH BOTTLES, ETC. MAZURIN     [still distracted]  Uh - what?  Yes, of course, go ahead. GIGLI     Are you listening? SOUND     BOTTLE SET DOWN MAZURIN     [distant]  Of course. GIGLI     [exasperated] Oh! SOUND     BOTTLE SMASHES ON FLOOR MAZURIN     What?  Why did you--? GIGLI     Listening now?  MAZURIN     [annoyed]  Yes, get on with it! GIGLI     Someone is approaching the castle! MAZURIN     [losing interest] Oh, well - set up the defenses. GIGLI     It's an Amazon! MAZURIN     [mildly interested]  Oh, that's different.  [shrug]  Still, the defenses... GIGLI     The moat monster is in labor. MAZURIN     I thought it laid eggs. GIGLI     Well, not after you did one of your little experiments on it.  And it's not best pleased about it. MAZURIN     Oh. GIGLI     And the man-eating vines--? MAZURIN     What?  I didn't do--  They're not giving birth, are they? GIGLI     Think it through? MAZURIN     What? GIGLI     Man-eating vines?  Amazon warrior? MAZURIN     [realizing slowly]  Oh?  Oh! GIGLI     [sigh] MUSIC SOUND     HOOFBEATS ON WOOD AMALAN     Cael, I don't like this. CAEL     You mean the way nothing at all tried to stop us from strolling right up to the front door of the evil wizard's castle? AMALAN     [sarcastic]  No, I meant the two-headed gargoyles - they're so passe'.  Of course that's what I mean!  There must be a trap-- CAEL     I'll keep my eyes peeled. AMALAN     Me too. CAEL     You haven't any eyes. AMALAN     Don't nitpick. SOUND     HOOFBEATS STOP SOUND     TAPPING OF FINGERS ON THE POMMEL CAEL     [musing]  No reception committee.  No moat monster....  The gargoyles? AMALAN     They're tacky as hell, but I don't sense any magic there. CAEL     Well, then. SOUND     DISMOUNT, HORSE NICKERS SOUND     POUNDING ON HUGE WOODEN DOOR AMALAN     Subtlety.  I like it. CAEL     It's what I do. MUSIC SOUND     DISTANT BANGING ON DOOR GIGLI     [calling from off] Master! MAZURIN     Stop banging, Gigli. SOUND     SLAPPY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH GIGLI     [a little closer]  They're at the door! MAZURIN     Tell them we don't want any. GIGLI     [almost here] The Amazon? MAZURIN     Oh, yes.  She got through the defenses--?  Oh, yes of course.  GIGLI     What are you going to do? MAZURIN     Oh, the usual. GIGLI     [sigh, down]  Send me to find out what she wants? MAZURIN     Good idea.  Let me know what she says. MUSIC SOUND     POUNDING ON DOOR AMALAN     If it's abandoned, that would explain the lack of defenses. CAEL     The high council doesn't send a questor to an empty castle. AMALAN     They might not know. CAEL     Yes.  [sarcastic] Why don't you just go and point that out-- GIGLI     [yelling from off, above]  Hail, warrior! CAEL     Hmm.  Manners.  [up]  Who hails me? GIGLI     I represent Mazurin, wizard of the crooked path, mage of the 8th tier, sorcerer-- AMALAN     [muttered] Yeah, but can he dance? CAEL     [side of mouth] Shh.  [up]  I have come to face your wizard.  Open the gate. GIGLI     What is your charge?  Mazurin is an exceedingly busy mage.  AMALAN     Crooking tiers? CAEL     [tiny sigh]  I am Cael Carzfinker, Blade maiden of the 9th rank, slayer of 3 gorgons, and participant in the slaughter of the great red armadillo of Murcie-- AMALAN     With a minor in [shudder] songwriting... CAEL     --and I am charged by the high council of her most royal majesty Luria the balladeer-- AMALAN     [muttered] Ballbuster. CAEL     [trying not to react] --to find and recover the missing Prince Tupin of Vagon, with an eye toward marriage. GIGLI     And my boss is supposed to care - why? CAEL     The scryes say the prince is here - a captive in durance vile under the thumb of this "boss" of yours. AMALAN     Excessive. CAEL     And thus have I come to reclaim him. GIGLI     Oh!  Right.  Hold on, I'll tell the wizard. CAEL     Where'd he go? AMALAN     Ducked behind one of those excrescences. CAEL     I didn't see any of those. AMALAN     [exasperated] The gargoyles. CAEL     So we wait for the wizard to speak.  SOUND     DRUMMING OF FINGERS AMALAN     Oh, you're not-- CAEL     "Green and crooked, small and beady"...  [searching for a rhyme] beady?  Beeeee-dy. AMALAN     Eyes are beady.  He was more... seedy. CAEL     Ah!  "--Small and seedy, his locks were lank and eyes were beady".  AMALAN     [sigh] MUSIC SOUND     SCRITCHING OF A PEN SOUND     SLAPPING FEET RUN UP GIGLI     [slightly puffed, laughing his ass off]  Sire!  She's here for him! SOUND     DOINK AS OF FINGER SNAPPED AGAINST SOMETHING GLASS MAZURIN     Him?  Oh, well.  That's simple then - I'll just un-glaze him, and-- GIGLI     You can't just hand him over! MAZURIN     Why not?  Then she'll go away.  Problem solved. GIGLI     [exasperated sigh]  Tradition?  Ring a bell? MAZURIN     Tradition?  Oh, you're not going to say I have to fight to the death over a trifle like-- GIGLI     No!  But you're supposed to make her do tasks to earn him, so she'll spread word of your cunning and deviousness.  [muttered]  And so she'll keep him once she gets him. MAZURIN     Oh.  I'm far too busy to come up with some silly tasks.  What does tradition say? GIGLI     I'll make you up some note cards.  Want me to let her in? MAZURIN     An... Amazon?  Don't they sleep in barns or something? GIGLI     I certainly wouldn't want to be the one to suggest it to her.  I'll find her and tell her you will speak to her at dinner. MAZURIN     I will? GIGLI     Tradition. MAZURIN     [pouting]  Fine.  Tell her, then come back and find me some [vague] ... robes. MUSIC GIGLI     [off] ...This way, and the wizard will be with you shortly. SOUND     BOOTED FEET ENTER ECHOEY HALL AMALAN     Roomy. CAEL     Kind of dusty, isn't it? AMALAN     Hard to keep help in an evil castle. CAEL     [agreeing] Hmm. SOUND     POOF! MAZURIN     [booming voice]  Dusty?  Humph! SOUND     POOF! SOUND     WATER DRIPPING ALL OVER. AMALAN     [doubtful]  Impressive? MAZURIN     [muttered]  Oh, drat. CAEL     [wiping her face]  Well, that's new. SOUND     SPLAT OF WATER SHAKEN OFF MAZURIN     [trying to save face "I meant to do that"] It's... something I've been working on. AMALAN     You could use it, back home. CAEL     Shh. AMALAN     You could finally get your quarters clean. CAEL     Shh! MAZURIN     What? CAEL     Nothing.  [declaring]  Mighty Wizard, I have come to recover the most noble prince Tupin and bring him home to wed.  This is my quest.  [snarls]  Do not stand in my way. MAZURIN     Oh, of course not. AMALAN     What? GIGLI     [hissed] Master! MAZURIN     Huh?  Oh right - as long as-- um, you-- GIGLI     [whispered prompting]  Can overcome my challenges three. MAZURIN     --Can overcome three challenges. GIGLI     [muttered]  Close enough. CAEL     Of course.  Name your challenges. MAZURIN     [taken completely aback] Oh!  Well-- GIGLI     [whispered] You forgot the cards? [stepping forward]  My great master will issue you each challenge at the break of dawn on three successive days.  Then you will have until sunset on the same day to complete each one. CAEL     Morning?  Why not start now? AMALAN     Tradition. GIGLI     Tradition, milady. CAEL     Fine.  What now? GIGLI     Dinner? CAEL     Hmm.  How about showing me the prince, so I know I'm not wasting my time? MUSIC SOUND     RINGING OF CRYSTAL AMALAN     Well, it's a guy. CAEL     He's... glass? MAZURIN     Much less irritating that way. GIGLI     [jumping in] For the great wizard finds the company of mere mortals a burden - he turns them into glass to show his mighty contempt. AMALAN     That's a lot of contempt. CAEL     It’s rather a lot of prince.  Ok, oh great wizard - let's just get this straight right up front.  When I beat your challenges, you'll turn him back to normal before letting me take him, right?  MAZURIN     That goes without saying-- GIGLI     After the first challenge, he will be returned to flesh.  After the second, he will awaken, the third, you may take him. CAEL     Good, I don't want to have to cart around a giant glass statue - must weigh a ton.  And it would be rather unfortunate if I dropped him. MAZURIN     Not really. AMALAN     Nice. CAEL     You said something about dinner? MUSIC SOUND     DINING GIGLI     More port, sire? MAZURIN     [dismissive] Yes, yes.  Now um, if you can picture this fork as an oncoming enemy-- SOUND     CLINK OF FORK - clink clink clink MAZURIN     Then the napkin - I mean the entrapment grass, remember - would of course slow him-- GIGLI     Your port. MAZURIN     Over there, beside the battlefield. GIGLI     [exasperated sigh] SOUND     CUP SET DOWN. MAZURIN     Where was I, oh yes, slow him-- SOUND     CLINKS GET MUFFLED, THEN SLOW MAZURIN     --and eventually stop him. SOUND     MUFFLED CLATTER AS FORK IS WRAPPED UP IN NAPKIN CAEL     [interested] Clever. MAZURIN     Really? CAEL     Immobilizing an enemy makes him an easy target.  So you put your strength into archers, to pick off the enemy soldiers stuck in the fields like-- AMALAN     Garden gnomes? CAEL     --like so many topiary.  Hmm.  Not bad at all.  I could even write a song about that. AMALAN     Oh, please don't - he'll turn you to glass. CAEL     Shut up. MAZURIN     I didn't say anything. CAEL     Not you-- [sigh] I have this curse-- AMALAN     I am not cursed. CAEL     --of a sword.  It talks to me. MAZURIN     Do you often hear weapons talk? AMALAN     [snickers]  CAEL     No, really.  Here-- SOUND     UNSHEATHES SWORD CAEL     Say something.  [beat]  [apologetic] Great, now she's pissed at me.  [muttered] Don't make me look bad.  [up]  When she's in the sheath, I'm the only one who can hear her. GIGLI     Your sword is a girl?  Isn't that somehow counter-intuitive? AMALAN     Big words from a goblin, bub. CAEL     [heavy sigh] See? MUSIC SOUND     WALKING INTO SMALLER CHAMBER GIGLI      Sleep tight! SOUND      DOOR CLOSES CAEL     I can’t believe you would embarrass me that way! AMALAN     Embarrass you?  Who called who cursed? CAEL     No, I said you were "my curse", not that you were accursed. AMALAN     Oh.  That's different. CAEL     How's that damn wizard gonna have any respect for me now? AMALAN     Who cares?  He's old.  And evil. CAEL     He's not that old.  AMALAN     And evil. CAEL     [shrug]  That's his job. MUSIC SOUND     DOOR SHUTS, TIPTOEING SLAPPY FEET MAZURIN     [roaring] Gigli? GIGLI     Gurk! [deep breath, then bright]  Yes, master? MAZURIN     What did you think you were doing, insulting an Amazon like that? GIGLI     I --  I didn't-- MAZURIN     You called her a lummox! GIGLI     She was... playing you, sire!  I was only defending your-- MAZURIN     What?  Playing what?  GIGLI     Playing games.  You know no one ever actually listens to you when you rant on about one of your inventions, and there she is [squeaky] "oh how clever!  You're so smart!"  [normal] blech!  And you-- MAZURIN     [wounded] Of course people listen to me-- GIGLI     I don't. MAZURIN     [huffy] You're just a familiar.  GIGLI     [muttered] Don't remind me.  [up]  Sire, what I meant is she's trying to soften you up, get you to like her, so the tests will be easier.  MAZURIN     What's wrong with that? GIGLI     [sigh]  You have a reputation to uphold, my mighty lord.  MAZURIN     Oh, I really don't-- GIGLI     --and if it gets out that you're a pushover, every Tom, Dick and Harry will be at your doorstep, looking to get something from you. MAZURIN     [gasp of panic] GIGLI     And when will you ever get anything done? MUSIC SOUND     PACING IN THE ECHOEY DINING HALL AMALAN     So wizards don't wake up as early as warriors.  So what? CAEL     It's dawn.  He said dawn. AMALAN     Barely.  Sit. CAEL     Nah.  I'm hyped.  I'm ready for something really difficult.  A good fight. SOUND     POOF! MAZURIN     The challenge is-- CAEL     [eager] Yes? MAZURIN     Now, if you think the challenge is too hard, you can back out and go away, you know. AMALAN     Ri-i-ight. CAEL     Not gonna happen. MAZURIN     I am not adverse to leaving someone alive to spread word of my cruelty and -- and--. GIGLI     [hissed] Cunning! MAZURIN     And cunning. CAEL     And? MAZURIN     And...?  [thinks] and... meanness? CAEL     [sigh] And the challenge? MAZURIN     Right.  You must ... empty my entire moat into a single tankard. AMALAN     [eyeroll] Oh, jeez. CAEL     [skeptical] Are you sure? MAZURIN     Sure? SOUND     SORTING THROUGH CARDS, STOPS MAZURIN     Um... yes.  That's the first challenge. AMALAN     You wanna tell him, or should I? CAEL     Ok, here's the deal.  I could go out into the yard, smack a big hole in the bottom of a tankard and then cupful by cupful pour slimy moat water into the now bottomless tankard until there's nothing left in your pond but silt, dying fish and a pissed off moat monster. MAZURIN     Oh.  [whispered] Would that work? SOUND     FLIPPING PAGES GIGLI     Uh--  Yeah. CAEL     Or I could-- MAZURIN     [whispered] I can go on to another one. GIGLI     [whispered] Nah.  You can't switch horses in midstream. CAEL     Is everything all right? MAZURIN     [up] Just a moment! AMALAN     Ka-ching! CAEL     What? AMALAN     You aced it - he might demand you actually go through with it, but he seems surprisingly reasonable for an evil wizard. CAEL     I still don't think he's all that evil. AMALAN     He turns people to glass and makes grass that grabs you. CAEL     And I bring in archers to kill the immobilized troops-- MAZURIN     All right.  We've got this settled. AMALAN     He lets his familiar be part of the decision process? CAEL     I talk to a sword.  [up] Yes, oh mighty wizard? MAZURIN     Well. [ahem]  Rather than have to restock my pond-- AMALAN     Boo-yah! MAZURIN     --we're going to take it as read that you completed the first task, and start fresh in the morning. CAEL     What do we do for the rest of the day? MAZURIN     [at a loss]  uh...  well... [doubtful] You could... come and see my workshop? AMALAN     Spare me. CAEL     That would be fascinating. AMALAN     No really, spare me! CAEL     While we're there, you can turn the prince back to flesh. MAZURIN     Oh, right.  Of course. AMALAN     Couldn’t you leave me with the blasted goblin?  At least he can hold a conversation. CAEL     Shut up. MAZURIN     What?  Oh, right, the sword.  Did I mention that I've figured out how to turn water to dust, and vice versa?  Mostly only a drop at a time, just yet, mind you - since it's very hard to control in large quantities - oh, well, except for last night-- CAEL     Oh, is that what that was--? MAZURIN     --but I was -uh- trying to make an impression. MUSIC CAEL     [singing, but a bit shaky] the mighty warrior calms her rage goes into the castle dark and drear wond'ring what sort of wicked mage might be he that liv-ed here and whether she would see another day! SOUND     LIGHT BUT ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE MAZURIN     [admiring] You wrote that just last night? CAEL     I - I couldn't sleep.  It's not finished. MUSIC MAZURIN     I work on very small amounts at a time - no need, really, to enchant huge things.  Saves space and lord knows, who wants seven tons of aspic just lying around? MAZ and CAEL     [CHUCKLE] GIGLI     [exasperated]  On that culinary note - Master, do you plan to dine here in the workshop? MAZURIN     Dine?  But it's hardly even dark out--  Oh!  Well.  CAEL     No wonder you keep lighting candles. MAZURIN     I didn’t even notice, I was so caught up-- GIGLI     Din-ner? MAZURIN     Of course. Of course.  Shall we? CAEL     [stretching]  I hadn't even thought about it, but I am famished. GIGLI     And your sword? CAEL     don't be silly.  Swords don't eat.  She's been awfully quiet, though. AMALAN     I have been trying to ignore you.  You’re acting like a scullery maid who got smiled at by a lord. CAEL     What? AMALAN     And it will get you into trouble- this mage is the enemy.  He's enchanting you. MAZURIN     Something wrong? CAEL     No.  [thinking]  Nothing. MUSIC GIGLI     Sleep well.  Challenge at dawn.  All that. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS CAEL     Check me for magic. AMALAN     Why? CAEL     You're the one who said he's enchanting me. AMALAN     I meant he's charming you - not like a CHARM charm, just by being a smooth talker. CAEL     So you don't really suspect a spell? AMALAN     I don't see anything out of the ordinary. CAEL     Whew.  That's a relief. MUSIC SOUND     BANGING ON THE DOOR GIGLI     Rise and shine!  It's dawn. SOUND     DOOR OPENS SLOWLY GIGLI     Hello?  Hmm. SOUND     FLAPPY STEPS INTO THE ROOM GIGLI     Must already be down there...  [mischievous]  We-e-e-ell.  SOUND     PAWING THROUGH HER THINGS GIGLI     Figures an Amazon wouldn't have anything interesting in the way of undies.  Lace would ride up something fierce.  What's this? SOUND     PARCHMENT UNROLLS GIGLI     [reading] "The great and mighty Queen Luria" blah blah blah "doth decree" Oh doth she?  Blah blah blah.  "That prince Tupin should be returned safely to her royal residence in order to be joined in marriage and alignment with her oldest daughter [ with feeling] princess Cael!"  [tsks, then truly rueful]  Boss ain't gonna like this. MUSIC MAZURIN     The test for today-- [muttered] where is that idiot goblin anyway?  [up] Is for you to clean out the stables of my thirty terribly ferocious horses. CAEL     OK.  But this one's going to be easy too. AMALAN     Unless they've been eating fermented oats - remember that one time at bard camp? MAZURIN     Oh? CAEL     Course.  I've spent my entire life around the royal stables.  Horses like me.  MAZURIN     Oh, I suppose we could just call it even and I could show you a few more-- CAEL     Nonsense. MAZURIN     Nonsense? CAEL     Silly!  First - I might as well prove I can do something to earn my keep.  And second, if it's such a test, I can't imagine the poor horses having to live there without it being cleaned.  Which way? MAZURIN     Oh, um, I'll take you there. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS PROGRESSING THROUGH HALLWAYS CAEL     That would be lovely.  Oh, is there anything in the tests that says I can't ask someone for help? MAZURIN     I'm not sure - Gigli would know, but-- CAEL     Well, I figured it couldn't hurt to ask. MAZURIN     But there's only really one, well, person, you could call on to help, and Gigli isn't fond of any kind of animals-- CAEL     Oh, he's not who I was thinking of. MAZURIN     What, who, then? CAEL     Nuh-uh.  Not until you decide if I can - don't want to give it away. MAZURIN     [enjoying the byplay]  Shall I guess? CAEL     Nope, just decide, then I'll tell you. MAZURIN     All right.  Yes.  You can ask someone, but I can't constrain them into helping you. CAEL     [laughs]  Fine.  You wanna help? MAZURIN     Me? CAEL     I'll do all the heavy lifting, but I thought maybe once the bulk is gone, there's plenty of dust in a good old hayloft... MAZURIN     Oh!  [laughs himself] Oh, yes! AMALAN     [disgusted] Oh, gods. MUSIC GIGLI     No, no, no, no, NO!  She wasn't supposed to have any help at all - how could you have missed that part? MAZURIN     You weren't there to cue me, so you can't complain.  What do you think of my beard? GIGLI     Your beard?  Why? MAZURIN     I've trimmed it down a bit - I think it's rather dashing. GIGLI     [disgusted] Dashing? MAZURIN     Makes me look a bit of a rakehell.  Do you think I should wear the green or the black robe?  I like green better myself, but black is so very... oh... manly-- [hums tunelessly to himself.] GIGLI     Oh, you moron!  [sigh]  She's supposed to marry the prince. MAZURIN     [hum cuts out with a gasp]  wh-wh-whatever do you mean?  [Blustering, trying to laugh] What?  Ha-ha-ha.  [losing momentum, starting to wind down]  What did you think I was ... doing? GIGLI     I really hate to burst your bubble, especially since you actually eat and bathe right now, but I saw it in her gear.  She has to get the prince back and marry him. MAZURIN     She has to-- GIGLI     Said "Princess Cael" big as life.  MAZURIN     Oh. MUSIC SOUND     CAEL GETTING DRESSED AMALAN     Lucky for you, you were in the barn when he doused it.  No one likes a smelly Amazon. CAEL     Do you remember if I packed my teal chemise?  AMALAN     Isn't that the one you only wear for state occasions? CAEL     Um, yes... AMALAN     The one you say rides too tight through the chest and you hate to wear except that it brings out your eyes? CAEL     [overly casual]  Yes.  Did I pack it? AMALAN     I distinctly recall the words [mimicking] "phooey, when I go to do battle, who's looking at my... eyes?" CAEL     Drat. AMALAN     How can you stand him?  He's so dull! CAEL     Dull?  What do you mean? AMALAN     I mean what could possibly be more completely boring than turning dust to water - oh, yes.  Turning locusts to aspic.  That was much more boring. CAEL     It was not.  It's important magic.  He's very clever. AMALAN     Clever like a fox.  No wait that's wrong... right... anyway, forget it.  I means he's deliberately being disarming, CAEL     Speaking of disarming... SOUND     BUCKLE BEING UNBUCKLED, SWORD LEFT BEHIND AMALAN     What are you doing? CAEL     Just what you asked me to do - Sparing you. AMALAN     What? CAEL     No reason I'd need a sword at dinner.  Even with an evil wizard. MUSIC SOUND     EAGER, MESSY EATING NOISES MAZURIN     [heartfelt heavy sigh] TUPIN     [mouth full]  So where's this princess?  She one of those who likes to make an entrance?  Man, she must have seriously kicked your ass, eh?  Is she  hot?  GIGLI     [muttered] I'd actually forgotten-- SOUND     BIG DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS MAZURIN     [deeply affected - she looks good]  Oh. TUPIN     [eating stops, swallow] That her?  Man, she's kinda chunky.  And old. GIGLI     Oh, for a hammer. SOUND     [under the talking] MAZURIN'S CHAIR SQUEAKS OUT, HE TAKES A STUMBLING STEP AND THEN PULLS A CHAIR OUT FOR HER MAZURIN     [barely able to talk]  You look - very nice.  Very. TUPIN     Aren't you a little underdressed?  CAEL     I - who? [whispered] Who is that? GIGLI     You don't recognize him?  CAEL     Oh, the prince!  Greetings, your highness.  So pleased to see you upright - or at least sitting down.  MAZURIN     Have a seat, milady? CAEL     Thank you so much, kind sir. TUPIN     I don't have to stand.  I'm royalty. CAEL     What? TUPIN     That crack about me not getting up when you came in - it's not like you're my mom or anything.  Princes don't have to stand. GIGLI     [whispered] Please let me leave, boss.  I'm gonna kill him. CAEL     I didn't mean anything-- MAZURIN     [whispered] Go, then. GIGLI     As you command. SOUND     QUICK SLAPPY STEPS, DOOR TUPIN     Well, you sounded very critical.  I don't put up with that from anybody.  Not even other royalty. MUSIC SOUND     DOOR OPENS AMALAN     Who's there? GIGLI     Where is it...? SOUND     SLAPPY FEET, SWORD SLID OUT OF SHEATH AMALAN     Unhand me! GIGLI     Hey, just wanted to ask you a couple of questions - as if I know what to do with a sword...  Well, there is this prince... [nasty chuckle] AMALAN     Prince Tupin? GIGLI     Yeah.  What a prize. AMALAN     That bad?  Is he - of course!  He's awake, isn't he? GIGLI     Unfortunately. AMALAN     Oh, man, and I'm missing it.  GIGLI     If she doesn't clock him by the end of the evening, I'm no familiar. AMALAN     Nah.  She's under strict orders. GIGLI     Yeah, I know. AMALAN     You know.... what? GIGLI     Oh, I was scouting for my master, and found the parchment in her things.  He was really disappointed, you know. AMALAN     Disappointed?  Your master?  Why? GIGLI     That your princess will be marrying the prince. AMALAN     Big whoop.  She has to marry someone.  Besides, it's years off. GIGLI     Yeah, but he--  Nothing. AMALAN     He what? GIGLI     It's kind of amazing, really.  Never seen my boss like this before - you know, picking out clothes by more than smell.  And then finding out she's spoken for. AMALAN     He's interested in the princess?  That's kind of creepy. GIGLI     Why?  He may be a wizard, but he is a man. AMALAN     Perv. GIGLI     Hey, she may not be my type, but she's not so hard on the eyes.  You should be more supportive. AMALAN     You're a perv too.  The princess is only 13!  GIGLI     [blink blink]  She's really tall, then. AMALAN     Huh?  Have you even seen the princess? GIGLI     [halting]  Your... lady warrior? AMALAN     Oh, heck no.  The princess Cael is-- Oh!  You thought my boss was the princess?  Gads!  Half the girls in the country are named Cael, for the great queen who led her people out of darkness and taught them to fight? GIGLI     Oh?  Oh!  I've got to tell him! SOUND     SLAPPY FEET AMALAN     Wait!  You mean your master is really-- I thought he was just softening her up. GIGLI     [snorts]  He wouldn't know how to begin.  Short of turning her to aspic... MUSIC CAEL     With the extra horses, I can him get there and make it back in about two weeks. MAZURIN     [a bit negative] Back? CAEL     Yes.  MAZURIN     [grumpy] Why? CAEL     [a bit deflated]  To... return the horses? MAZURIN     Oh, of course.  [lying badly] I may not be here.  I have a big trip coming up.  But Gigli can see that you have a place to sleep... CAEL     [backing off] Or I could always send someone with them. SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN, SLAPPY FEET RUN IN GIGLI     Sire!  There has been a grave error! MAZURIN     [sharp]  What? GIGLI     It's entirely my fault, I admit - wait, what happened to the prince? CAEL     He fell asleep.  I think he ate too much. GIGLI     [chuckles] I'll bet.  Good one, sire. MAZURIN     What is your news, mannikin? GIGLI     Ah, yes.  Um, can you come over here, maybe?  CAEL     I can... leave. GIGLI     No!  [urging] Master? MAZURIN     Just spit it out.  GIGLI     [whispered] She's not the one. CAEL     Not the one what? MAZURIN     Not?  What?  GIGLI     Arrying-may the ince-pray. CAEL     Your goblin has lost its mind. MAZURIN     Not marrying the prince?  You're not marrying the prince? CAEL     Me?  Oh, gods no!! MAZURIN     But he saw-- GIGLI     Princess Cael is marrying him. CAEL     Yeah.  She's my cousin.  It's all arranged for her eighteenth birthday.  Hey, if they ask, can I tell them you'll turn him back to glass until then? MAZURIN     Not you? CAEL     No.  [thankful and sarcastic] I'm not worthy of one such as him.  Besides, he's years younger than me. MAZURIN     Then you can marry anyone you want? CAEL     Once I successfully complete my quest.  That's kind of why I took it. MAZURIN     [horrible anticipation] Did you - have someone in mind? CAEL     [suddenly shy]  No.  Why? MAZURIN     Nothing.  Just-- GIGLI     This is disgusting.  Just kiss her.  CAEL     But there's a third test--? MAZURIN     Oh, yes... GIGLI     [eye roll]  The third test was too see if you could listen to the wizard and not fall asleep - boom, you win.  Kiss her. MAZURIN     [excited]  Can we do that? GIGLI     The whole test thing was mostly because I was really, really bored.  ...And tradition. CAEL     We should hold off the kissing until I complete my quest.  There's always the chance the prince will get lost in the forest on the way back. GIGLI     Now there's an idea... MAZURIN     Perhaps an escort would be helpful?  Hmm? CAEL     ...and a cart.  Then he could sleep the entire trip! GIGLI     Poor princess. CAEL     She throws things.  I think they're actually well matched. MAZURIN     [giddy]  Well, perhaps a toast? CAEL     And then you can finish telling me about your research into the relationship between the angle of sunlight and the movements of pond slime. MAZURIN     Only if you promise to complete that ballad you were writing and sing it for me on the trip. GIGLI     [disgusted moan] END  

In classic 1940s Hollywood, aspiring screenwriter Fiona Cross discovers the pitfalls of writing remakes - including, perhaps, romance with an undying legend of the silver screen. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Fiona Cross - E. Vickery Victor Malacard - Cole Hornaday George - Jerry Bennett Margie - Kristina Yuen Andy - Michael Faigenblum Additional Voices - Rhea Lutton, Julie Hoverson,  Reynaud LeBoeuf Music:  Gabriel Garcea (gagamusic.eu) (also available on Jamendo) 19 Nocturne Theme:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Sound effects found on Soundsnap.com Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Cover Photos:  (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a movie studio office - can't you tell? Where else would you find... a screenwriter?" _______________________________________________     HOUSEWARMING Cast:   [opening credits/Olivia] Fiona Cross, screenwriter   George Webber, producer   Victor Malacard, actor/director   Margie, best friend   Mason, butler   Andy, a Messenger   Instructor voice, on P.A. Landlady   OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What  do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a film producer's office, can't  you tell?   SCENE 1 MUSIC SOUND EFFICIENT TYPING, PHONES IN THE BACKGROUND GEORGE The bad news is -it's really very good. FIONA [excited] Wonderful! [waitaminute] That's  the bad news? GEORGE Yup. Because we can't use it. SOUND SHEAF OF PAPERS TOSSED ONTO TABLE. FIONA What? But ...but Mr. Webber, you said it  was GEORGE Practically brilliant. I'll even read your  next one, and I don't say that often.  [pauses, thinks] Ever. But, Miss Cross...  you should know by now that writing remakes  is a complete waste of time. There's all  sorts of issues. We don't want to get sued. FIONA But The House on the Peak was made- GEORGE Twenty-odd years ago. It's still dicey.  Whoever owns it could sue us, and after that  fiasco at Champion pictures last year...  We're taking no chances. We're not Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, you know. FIONA If ... what if I could make an arrangement  with the owner? Would you still be  interested? GEORGE [cagey] Well, I said it was good, but I  never actually said I was interested.  [beat] Come back when you've got a  signature. MUSIC BRIDGE   SCENE 2 SOUND TINNY PHONOGRAPH MUSIC INSTRUCTOR [off mike throughout] And lift. One. Two. FIONA [puffing slightly throughout] All that  work! MARGIE [puffing slightly throughout] Goodness,  Fiona, didn't anyone ever tell you never  adapt? INSTRUCTOR ...five and six. Arms up! FIONA I guess I figured the studio would handle  all that. MARGIE [teasing] Did you just drop off the turnip  truck -Oh, sorry, the porkchop truck. INSTRUCTOR ...seven and eight -keep them up! FIONA [teasing back] You just watch it, we  Piggottsville girls are tough! [puffs a  bit] Now I just have to get up the nerve. MARGIE [sarcastic] Nerve? YOU? I can't imagine! INSTRUCTOR [off] I hear someone talking! FIONA [whispered] Enough nerve to go and talk to  Victor Malacard. MUSIC BRIDGE   SCENE 3 SOUND CAR DRIVES AWAY. WOODSY NOISES FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL. FIONA OK, Fee. Let's see what you've got. Scene:  Heroine walks up to big spooky house. She  is nervous. Almost trembling -wait, no  scratch that. She is resolved, plucky.  Much better. SOUND CREAK OF WOOD, BIRD CALL FIONA [slightly spooked] Or not. Come on, Fee.  You can DO this. Plucky heroine, for  goodness sake. Pluck up. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL. FIONA What a scene. Artfully disheveled garden.  Overgrown and dried out fountain. Huge  mansion in exactly the proper state of  dilapidation. [tries to laugh] I should be  taking notes. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON WOOD STAIRS FIONA [practicing] Mr. Malacard, I am such a big  fan of--No, I'm sure he hears THAT all  the- SOUND FOOTSTEPS SLOW DOWN, THEN STOP. FIONA [firm] Mr. Malacard. I have a proposition  for--Oh pooh! [ingratiating] Mr.  Malacard. How wonderful to finally meet- SOUND DOOR CREAKS OPEN. FIONA [gasp] MASON [spooky and unwelcoming] May I help you? FIONA [muttered] I bet you get a lot of these  roles. MASON Hmm? FIONA Sorry. Nothing. I would like to speak to  Mr. Malacard. MASON No. SOUND DOOR SLAMS SHUT. FIONA What? Aren't you supposed to say something  like [aping his voice] "I'm afraid Mr.  Malacard... isn't himself today." [normal  voice] and give me a chance to argue with  you? [pause] Huh? SOUND TWO FOOTSTEPS ON WOOD, THEN SHE SITS ON THE  STAIR WITH A CREAK. FIONA [calling over her shoulder] Very well,  then. I'm not leaving. I'll just sit here  until the spiderwebs grow up over me and I  become part of the set! SOUND BIRDS. FIONA [muttered] Or at least until I get up the  nerve to walk back to town. [sigh] Well,  it's kind of nice here, anyway. Peaceful.  [takes a couple of deep breaths] SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL APPROACH VICTOR [coming on mike] Can I help you? FIONA What? Oh! [noises, as she stands] Mr.  Mal--Wait. You can't be--I'm confused. VICTOR [chuckles] I look just like him, don't I?  I'm Victor Malacard the lesser. Call me  Vic. FIONA Fiona Cross. I'm so pleased! I'm a writer,  you see, and-15            VICTOR [cold] So sorry. Father doesn't give  interviews. FIONA Oh, no -I'm a screenwriter. I wrote a  wonderful script- VICTOR [perturbed] He doesn't act any more,  either. FIONA Does he let people finish their sentences? VICTOR [chuckling in spite of himself] All right.  Just point to me when it's my cue. FIONA [deep breath] I wrote a new version of The  House on the Peak, your father's  masterpiece, and I would very much like to  get it produced- FIONA --because I spent a lot of time on it, and  I know he would be flattered if he could  only read it, because, well, the original  was brilliant, but most people DO like sound  nowadays, and this would bring his work back  for more people to see, and if I could just  get his permission, I have a studio which is  VERY interested. VICTOR [pause] My turn? Then... all right. FIONA All right then, what? VICTOR Let me read it. I'll see if it's all you  say it is. FIONA But your father- VICTOR Is old and very ill -one reason I cannot  let anyone into the house. I have all the  authority necessary. I assume you brought your script? FIONA Oh, yes! SOUND SNAPS OPEN SHOULDERBAG, PULLS OUT SHEAF OF  PAPERS. FIONA Really, I'm a much better writer than I must  sound like, from the way I talk. I just get  really- SOUND A COUPLE OF PAGES FLIP VICTOR Come back in a couple of days. Saturday. FIONA Oh, no! I've heard that one before. It's  not so late, I'll wait while you read it.  [BEAT] Besides, I need to borrow your phone  to call a cab. VICTOR [cold] I'm afraid you're doomed to  disappointment on many levels, Miss Cross.  I refuse to read on demand, and you cannot  come in. FIONA But it's miles to the nearest- VICTOR You'd better start walking. I will see you  on Saturday. MUSIC TIME PASSES   SCENE 4 SOUND DOOR OPENS. CRACKLE OF WAXED PAPER. VICTOR [warning] I am not going to--[surprised]  What is that? FIONA Lunch. You're not going to what? VICTOR You brought - FIONA If there's one thing that Hollywood taught  me, it's come prepared for a siege. You're  lucky I didn't have time to make pastrami  and onion sandwiches, though they work a  whole lot better in an office. VICTOR Work... better? FIONA Nothing like the chance you might stink up  someone's office to motivate them to give  you five minutes. VICTOR [chuckles] FIONA Want some? VICTOR What? Oh, no -I've eaten. FIONA [snort] Hospital food, I bet -all bland and  toothless. It's always like that when  someone in the house is sick. VICTOR No, [sighs, then, resigned] no -if there's  one thing Mason makes certain of, it's that  the food is good. FIONA That your butler? Or is he some kind of  nurse? VICTOR Some kind... um, something. FIONA [bright, teasing] So, did you read it yet? VICTOR There's hardly been time- FIONA [Sweetly] Then why waste it talking to me? VICTOR [sad] It's not something I get to do very  often. Talking. To someone. FIONA Read the script, and I promise I'll come  back and talk up a storm. SOUND DISTANT THUNDER VICTOR [sigh, pause] Speaking of storms, it looks  like rain. If you need to walk back to  town, you'd best get started. FIONA I'm a farm girl. We're built tough. And  reasonably waterproof. VICTOR [chuckle ruefully] SOUND DOOR SHUTS. MUSIC TIME PASSES   SCENE 5 SOUND CRICKETS, NIGHT SOUNDS, RAIN [a beat] DOOR  OPENS VICTOR Tsk. Do you know what time it is? FIONA Judging from the position of the stars, what  little I can see of them -my watch says  about 9. VICTOR [a beat, then] I read it. FIONA [gasps, then tight] And? VICTOR It's brilliant. FIONA Really? VICTOR Here's your release. My lawyer can validate  it in the morning. FIONA Oh! I could kiss you [SHE DOES] VICTOR [shaken] I... Miss Cross...! FIONA Fiona. You know, you really do look like  your father. You're lucky. He was really  something, back in the day. It's those  eyes. VICTOR Yes, I... [with emphasis] He... SOUND CAR APPROACHES, STOPS. VICTOR What? Who the devil--? FIONA My cab. I arranged for it to pick me up at 9. Siege or not, I'm not sleeping on  anyone's doorstep but my own. Thanks again! SOUND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL. FIONA [off] ...and if you're ever in town...! VICTOR [yelling slightly] Of course...! SOUND CAR DOOR SLAMS SOUND HOUSE DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN. VICTOR [sadly to self] ...not. SOUND SLOW FOOTSTEPS ACROSS THE PORCH. MUSIC   SCENE 6 SOUND TENNIS, CROWD, IN BACKGROUND THROUGHOUT. MARGIE So, they loved it. Did you write yourself a  part? FIONA What? MARGIE Oh, come on-don't tell me you only aspire  to be the pen and not the face? FIONA I just enjoy writing. I'm in complete  control of the world. Everyone in my story  has to listen to me and do what I say. MARGIE But acting is where the fame is. FIONA Who wants fame? VOICE ON P.A. [filter] Number 33, Court 1 is open. MARGIE Are we getting close? SOUND RUSTLE OF PAPER FIONA Should be next. MARGIE So you're in it for the money? FIONA No... I guess... I'm in it to ... to see it  happen. MARGIE [pause] Are you explaining or should I order  another drink? FIONA I want to see things from my imagination up  there on the screen. I want to create  something that people will remember. MARGIE And you don't want to be famous or rich?  You're nuts. FIONA Rich would be OK, but famous just means you  never get away. That must be why Mr.  Malacard lives out in the country -to get  away from the craziness. MARGIE Craziness? In Hollywood? Perish the  thought! [pause] So, can I have your part? FIONA [laughs] There aren't really any good  female roles in the House on the Peak. MARGIE Will I sound hopelessly undereducated if I  admit I've never actually seen this fabulous  item? FIONA You never--? Where did you grow up, a cave?  I mean even in Piggottsville, it showed for  three whole nights -and then each year near  Halloween. I think the theater proprietress musta had a thing for Malacard. MARGIE Spare me the down home gossip and tell me  about this masterpiece. FIONA Well, it's sort of modeled on this story by  Edgar Allen Poe- MARGIE Didja have to get permission from him, too? FIONA Shush. He's been dead for -I dunno, a  century? Besides, it's not really the same  idea, just the tone. See, there's this guy  who goes home after his father's death, to  see his twin brother who he hasn't seen in  years- MARGIE Which one was your mysterious actor? FIONA Oh, Victor Malacard played both brothers.  It was groundbreaking at the time -using  cutaways and doubles- MARGIE Is this important? FIONA [chuckles] I guess not. But the brother  who'd been away was a man of the world, very  caught up in business, and the one who  stayed was a strange lonely man who talked  to himself- MARGIE [sarcastic] In a silent film, no less. FIONA [agreeing] Malacard was a genius. They've  got their eye on this new fellow -he was in  that film, "Laura"- MARGIE Stick to the point! FIONA Tsk. So it turns out the house is alive,  and must have a family member in residence  or it will die. But the one who stayed  would live forever, barring falling out of a  window, which is what'd happened to their  father. MARGIE Foul play? FIONA You got it -turns out one of the sons had  killed dear old dad to take his place as  head of the family, and live forever. MARGIE Was it the creepy one? VOICE ON P.A. [filter] Number 34, court 3 is open. SOUND GLASS PUT DOWN, BAGS SNATCHED UP FIONA I'll tell you whodunnit... but only if you  beat me. MUSIC   SCENE 7 SOUND CAR DOOR SLAMS. FEET ON GRAVEL. FEET SLOW DOWN. FIONA Oh. Hullo! SOUND CAB DRIVES AWAY VICTOR I heard you coming. FIONA Oh, and here I thought old Igor your butler  was a warlock or something. VICTOR Mason is a lot of things, but--[pause]  What's that? More scripts? FIONA No, silly. It's a picnic. VICTOR A what--? FIONA Pic. Nic. Food to eat outside so as not to  bother those inside whom shall not be named. VICTOR But, you- FIONA I promised I would talk up a storm, didn't  I? If Hollywood taught me one thing, it's  to keep my promises. VICTOR Well. [bemused, but pleased] Very well,  then. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL. DOOR OPENS [OFF]. MASON [off] Sir? VICTOR [calling] Don't worry, I'll stay where you  can see me. MASON [off] Very good, sir. FIONA Wow, he sure keeps you on a short leash. VICTOR [deep with meaning] So true. FIONA Well, this looks good -and see, there's a  window right there where your keeper can  peep out and make sure nothing improper  happens. SOUND BLANKET SPREAD, THINGS BEING TAKEN OUT OF  PICNIC BASKET VICTOR [deep sigh] FIONA [sincere] I do understand. My gramma raised  me -she was from the old country, very wild  Irish, and hospitals would never, never do.  So when she took ill at the end, I had to  look after her. And the farm. Just the two  of us, right up til she passed. VICTOR So being tired of the sticks, you came right  out to Hollywood, no training wheels or  anything? FIONA Oh, I figure I'll go back someday -not to  the farm, but to the country. Being down  here -well, down there -is tough -there  are so many people everywhere. VICTOR Better than being lonely- FIONA You can be lonely in a crowd just as easy as  on a farm, and it's much noisier. The  crowd, I mean. VICTOR More material for your writing. FIONA I don't agree. I figure growing up pretty  much alone is why I have such a good  imagination. Keeping myself occupied,  making up folks to talk to. VICTOR [moving in romantically] And you enjoyed my  --my father's film so much that you decided  to put words to it? FIONA [slightly breathless] I... I didn't so much  write them as sort of translate what he  already said. VICTOR [deep and husky] And very well too. FIONA [gasp, deeply important] Before this goes  any further, I have to say something. VICTOR [snapping out of it] I--we--of course, we  shouldn't- FIONA Since the studio is picking up the cost of  lunch, we have to talk business. I hope you  don't mind. VICTOR [vastly relieved, deep breath] Of course.  Mm, that smells good. No pastrami and  onions? FIONA [laughing] No. [serious] See, the studio  wants to know if we can add a girl -a  romance -to the story. Seems everything  just has to have a love interest these days. VICTOR [sharp] A what? FIONA And a happy ending. They don't want- VICTOR No! Under no circumstances! They're not  going to ruin my--[through gritted teeth]  my... father's vision -with sentimental  claptrap. FIONA [teasing] Really? Sentimental claptrap is  all the rage nowadays. [change of tone,  satisfied] Good. That's what I thought,  but they won't listen to me. Business over. VICTOR But you- FIONA Oh, don't get me wrong, I like romance as  much as the next girl, but it would weaken  the drama. Try a taste of this. VICTOR Um, yes. [takes a bite] That's -mmm,  that's delicious. The drama, you say? Have  you been writing for very long? FIONA This is my first script. That I've  completed, anyway. I've got lots of ideas,  but this one just sort of made me finish it.  It's a bit of an obsession, I guess. VICTOR You should write more. It was very good.  [pause, then throaty] Maybe... romance...  next time. FIONA [oblivious] Maybe. I guess it's easier to  write what you know, though. VICTOR [still making his move] Really? No romance  on the horizon, no beau back home on the  farm? FIONA [reacting, almost breathless] No -no one.  I've ... never... not really, anyway... Oh.  [long indrawn breath, then a teasing  whisper] Your butler's watching us. VICTOR [breaks away] Blast! I can't even--!  [muttered growl] Look at him. [heavy sigh,  then businesslike] This has been very  pleasant, Miss Cross, but I must go- SOUND GETS UP, FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL, MOVING QUICKLY FIONA Hmph? SOUND BITING A CARROT MUSIC   SCENE 8 SOUND BUSY LUNCH COUNTER MARGIE So do you make a habit of scaring off men? FIONA Well -there was this boy back at Jefferson  junior high ... No, I'm teasing. I've  never had much of a chance to try -guess  I'm just a natural. MARGIE And he was circling in for the kill, ready  to land a knockout, when- FIONA The ref appeared and he threw in the towel.  You don't usually think of grown men as  needing a chaperone. MARGIE Maybe he's old fashioned and is trying to  look out for your reputation or something. FIONA Old fashioned I would buy. He's got this  courtly way about him...just like his  father, at least the way he was on the  screen. This sort of graceful way of moving  that expresses so much. MARGIE And what was he expressing just before the  bell rang to call the match? FIONA Well... [blushing] He wasn't afraid -I can  say that for sure. MUSIC   SCENE 9 SOUND CAR DRIVES AWAY, FEET ON GRAVEL VICTOR You found your way back? FIONA The picnic was to thank you. Now I'm  buttering you up in case I want to remake  another one of your father's films. VICTOR So what's in the bag this time? Dare I  guess? FIONA No, silly. It's a surprise. I figure, not  leaving the house much, you don't get to  have a lot of fun. VICTOR My... father- FIONA Exactly. So, I figured I'd bring the some  to you. VICTOR Fun? FIONA I remembered you had a swimming pool. VICTOR Pool? But--But there's no water- FIONA And swimsuits don't clank. SOUND CLANK OF SOMETHING METAL IN BAG VICTOR Then, what--? FIONA We-e-ell, can we go look at the pool? VICTOR Uh--yes? SOUND FEET ON GRASS FIONA I hope you don't mind my coming up here like  this. I'm just so exuberant. Or is that  the right word? VICTOR Well, you sound exuberant to me. FIONA Aha, the pool. Oh, good, it's nice and  clean. VICTOR Mason sees to the grounds as well as the  house. FIONA So, here. SOUND CLANK AS BAG IS SET DOWN, UNTYING OF KNOT VICTOR I--I'm intrigued. What do you have there? FIONA Keep in mind, I'm kind of unsophisticated,  here. Another girl might have brought  champagne or something. I hope this isn't  too disappointing. SOUND METAL CLANK VICTOR I can't even tell what those are -I see  metals and wheels, and- FIONA Silly, it's roller skates! MUSIC   SCENE 10 MARGIE Roller skates? You had a chance to romance  a bigwig, and you took him roller skates? FIONA The pool was perfect -I couldn't resist. MARGIE And the two of you rolled around the bottom  of the pool like children? FIONA More or less. Well, mostly me. He was a  bit too dignified to give it a fair shake. MARGIE But you didn't roll around like grownups? FIONA What? MARGIE Nothing. MUSIC   SCENE 11 SOUND CAR DRIVES AWAY, FEET ON GRAVEL FIONA Hello? [beat, then chuckles] Maybe he  didn't see me coming, for once? SOUND FOOTSTEPS IN LEAVES FIONA Hello? How tragic. A perfectly good cab  ride wasted. [worried] Maybe his father's  not doing well. SOUND DOOR OPENS MASON Miss? FIONA Oh, gosh -sorry! I guess I kind of  expected Vic to be around somewhere. He  usually is. MASON He's busy. Inside. [ominous] Would you  like to come in? FIONA Oh, Vic said it's- MASON It's no problem. Really. FIONA Sure. Thanks a lot. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL FIONA I can always, go, you know. I don't want to  be a bother. MASON No bother. You're quite welcome here. SOUND FOOTSTEPS SLOW A BIT ON THE WOODEN STAIRS FIONA It'll be interesting to see inside. VICTOR [distant] Fiona? Is that you? SOUND RUNNING FEET APPROACH VICTOR [angry, worried] What's going on? Mason?  [beat] Fiona? FIONA Just looking for you. Mason said you might  be inside. VICTOR [angry hiss] Inside? Get out of here,  Fiona. Just go. We'll be talking about  this, Mason. SOUND FOOTSTEPS DOWN STAIRS INTO GRAVEL FIONA [puzzled] Victor? VICTOR [whispered] I don't want you going in and...  catching anything. Understand? FIONA All right. Um, sorry? VICTOR [cold] Goodbye. [up] Mason! MUSIC   SCENE 12 GEORGE [very serious] Thank you for coming in, Miss  Cross. We have a bit of a problem. FIONA You couldn't get that actor, Price? GEORGE More serious than that. [heavy pause]  Mr. Malacard. FIONA What happened? Is Vic's dad OK? GEORGE Sorry, I meant the son. He rang up  yesterday and said, well... said you've been  pestering him. FIONA [shocked] ...pestering? GEORGE Yes. He said he'll pull the permission for  the film if you bother him again. FIONA [nearly in tears] B-but... I--He never  said- GEORGE [fatherly] Just lay off, at least until the  film is finished. Once it's in  distribution, you can pester him all you  want. FIONA Oh! [sobbing] SOUND CHAIR SCRAPE, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR BANGS  OPEN. MUSIC   SCENE 13 SOUND COCKTAIL LOUNGE, MANY ROWDY PEOPLE IN  BACKGROUND FIONA [very down] Pestering. That's what he  said. Apparently. Vic couldn't even tell  me to my face, [breaking down into tears] he  had to send it through- MARGIE There, there. [calls] Waiter! Bring  another one. [half whispered] A double. FIONA No. I really shouldn't. [moping again] I  guess I deserve it -he didn't say I could  come back, but... The picnic was NICE.  Everything was nice. He was nice. Real  nice. I thought. MARGIE They all seem nice -say, you didn't let him  ... have his wicked way with you, didja? FIONA What? No! [melting] I mean, he almost  kissed me at the picnic, but the butler was  watching. MARGIE That's it, then. The butler did it.  Probably threatened to quit or something.  Good help is a lot harder to find in this  town than pretty girls. [lecturing] Most  servants are just actors waiting to be  discovered -they're just not very good, or  they'd be able to act like servants. FIONA [almost a laugh] Hmph. MARGIE That's better. What you need is a night at  a dance hall -meet some nice guys, wear  yourself out, then you can sleep. I  promise, all you'll be worrying about in the  morning is your bunions. MUSIC   SCENE 14 SOUND PERSISTENT CITY NIGHT NOISES. SOUND PHONE RINGS, OFF [PAUSE] THEN POUNDING ON A  DOOR FIONA [waking] Yes? Mm-what? LANDLADY [very annoyed] Phone for you. MUSIC   SCENE 15 SOUND CAB PULLS UP, DOOR SLAMS, RUNNING FEET ON  GRAVEL FIONA [panting] SOUND FEET RUN UP WOOD STAIRS, POUNDING ON DOOR FIONA Hello? Hello? SOUND DOOR SWINGS OPEN MASON [very calm] Oh, good. Come in. FIONA Mason? What happened? You said it was an  emergency? SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE  UNDER MASON This way, miss. FIONA [getting more panicky] But, is Vic hurt?  Did his father...? What could he --what  could he want me here for? MASON Through here. SOUND DOOR OPENS MASON The master will be right in, Miss. SOUND DOOR SLAMS SHUT. FIONA [gasp, then yelling] You could at least  turn on a light! [to herself] Which  master? Maybe I'll finally- SOUND DOOR OPENS MASON [off] Just through here, sir. SOUND RELUCTANT FOOTSTEPS MASON [off, condescending] I think this will help  with your --mood, sir. VICTOR [coming on] I can't think of anything worth  getting me up in the middle of the--Fiona?  [truly upset] MASON [off, condescending] Now everything will be  better. FIONA Oh, Vic, I shouldn't have come. I'm so  sorry! Please don't- VICTOR Oh, no! No! FIONA But Mason called me. He said- VICTOR Mason! That filthy--!! SOUND DOOR SLAM CUTS HIM OFF FIONA What is it? VICTOR We must get you out of here! SOUND RUNNING FEET, POUNDING ON WINDOWS, TRYING TO  GET THEM TO OPEN FIONA I don't understand, Vic? VICTOR Blast it Fiona, help me. FIONA No. I want to know what's going on. VICTOR Is this one of those things Hollywood taught  you? Take a bad situation and make it  worse? FIONA No. Oh, here [grunt as she helps try and  push] I wasn't going to ... to not help.  I'm just confused. VICTOR [grunt, then angry noise] No use, they're  sealed. FIONA They are glass. There must be a chair or  something- VICTOR It's never that easy -trust me. This way.  Come on. SOUND RUNNING FEET, SLAM AGAINST CLOSED DOOR BOTH are getting BREATHLESS FIONA Locked! VICTOR Maybe down here! SOUND MORE RUNNING FOOTSTEPS FIONA Don't you know your own house? VICTOR [harsh laugh] Don't slow down. SOUND RUNNING, SCRAMBLE, RATTLE OF LOCKED DOOR FIONA Victor, wait! VICTOR No! I will NOT let him get you! SOUND POUNDING ON DOOR, BUT SLOWER VICTOR [sobs] I won't let IT! FIONA Victor. Breathe, Victor! VICTOR I'm so sorry, Fiona. I don't understand why  it brought you here. FIONA It? Oh! [dawning] Um, I guess everyone  agreed the story needed a bit of romance. VICTOR What? FIONA Your house. It's just like the film -or  close to it -isn't it? VICTOR How could you think--How could you know? FIONA I told you I have a good imagination. VICTOR But you- FIONA And you're the one and only Victor Malacard. VICTOR You're mad! I would have to be- FIONA Almost 60. I looked it up. And you don't  look a day over 35. Coincidentally, the age  you were when you went into seclusion. You  look like him, move like him -even the way  your lips move when you talk -not even  father and son can be THAT much alike. VICTOR It's... the house. FIONA And Mason? VICTOR Mason's not a... person. Just part of it.  The house. He... speaks for it. FIONA And watches over you. VICTOR Keeps me prisoner, you mean. [sadly] And  now, you too. Fiona, I am so dreadfully- FIONA Shh. [calling] Mason? I want to talk to  you -whatever you are. MASON [deep, on filter] Yes miss? VICTOR [yelling] You let her go, you wretch! FIONA Shh. Victor. It'll be fine. VICTOR No...! FIONA Yes. [SOUND -brief kiss] If there's one  thing I learned in Hollywood, it's there's  always room for negotiation. [calling,  sweetly] Mason? MUSIC, fades into-   SCENE 15 MUSIC 1960S BUBBLEGUM POP ON A TINNY RADIO,  DISTANT, WITH BIRDS AND OUTDOOR NOISES.   SOUND MOTORCYCLE APPROACHES, STOPS FIONA [coming on] Ah! Over here, Bobby! Oh! I  was expecting- ANDY Sorry! I'm Andy -Bobby retired. FIONA [chuckles] It's so hard to keep track.  Well, then, Andy. Do you have my packages? SOUND LOADING UP WITH PACKAGES AS HE SPEAKS ANDY Yup, packages from Woolworth's and Mays, a  big bundle of magazines, and here's one from  the studio -a film canister -gee do you  have your own theater? That's way out  there, man, I mean ma'am. FIONA [chuckles] Just leave everything on the  porch. The butler will see that it all gets  inside in one piece. And here's my latest  screenplay -hardly a fair trade, but an  easier trip, eh? Get it to George -no,  wait... I mean Harold, don't I? Harold  Mills is in production these days, right? SOUND SCRIPT CHANGES HANDS ANDY Umm... [working up to say something] So  you're Fiona Cross Malacard? The one who  wrote Trapped by Love? That was a groovy  flick, even if it is kind of ancient. FIONA Well, thank you, Andy. [chuckles] I guess. ANDY But you don't look--I mean, you're really  much--oh, criminee. I mean to say- FIONA You're trying not to say I must be older  than I look? ANDY Uh-huh. FIONA I'll take the compliment. I put it down to  clean country air, good healthy food... VICTOR [way off] Fiona? Was that the deliveries? FIONA ...and a wonderful husband. ANDY Having servants don't hurt neither, eh? FIONA [ironic] No -no, it don't. MUSIC TO END  

[mature language and violence] Roy Chambers, self-proclaimed "artist of junk" becomes suspicious about the intricate work of another sculptor. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Roy Chambers - J.D. Lloyd Gwynneth Robinson Molly Tollefson Vivienne - Rhys TM Robert - Mr. Synyster Arturo - Philemon Vanderbeck Solange - Angela Kirby Penelope Cartwright - Kris Keppeler Hank Norton - Powers Chamber 19 Nocturne Theme:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) All other music by Professor Kliq (Creative Commons License) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Photo:   (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it?  Why it's an art gallery - can't you just smell the culture?" _________________________________________________________ FOR ART'S SAKE Cast: Announcer Cabbie Olivia Roy Chambers, artist of junk Gwynneth Robinson, gallery owner Robert [ro-BEAR], art critic Vivienne, art critic Arturo, sculptor Solange, a supermodel Hank Norton, grieving brother Penelope Cartwright, psychic Gordie, aspiring young critic OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's an art gallery.  Can't you just smell the culture? SCENE 1 MUSIC - PRETENTIOUS GRUNGE/INDUSTRIAL, BUT LOW. AMBIANCE     LOW CROWD MUMBLE ROBERT and VIVIENNE sound bored and disinterested - very, very jaded intellectual.  They are sort of fencing with each other. ROBERT     It's so innovative, it's almost retro. VIVIENNE     Jejune, yet piquant. ROBERT     The raw power of the chain link simply draws the eye. VIVIENNE     The underlying metaphor behind the cracked concrete base is very telling. ROBERT     Trash cans have been overused this season. VIVIENNE     Which is precisely what this piece is trying to say.  It is a commentary on the current state of the art world. ROY     That it's all garbage? ROBERT     [snort of derision] Garbage?  Perhaps to the petty and feeble mind, incapable of looking beyond the component parts-- VIVIENNE     --this one would look at a forest and see trees. [ROBERT AND VIVIENNE chuckle.] ROY     Oh, I understand this piece just fine. ROBERT     Do you?  Do you really?  VIVIENNE     What, then, is this putty-like brown graffitti in its indecipherable scrawl? ROBERT     And that smell - it's almost visceral. ROY     It's crap. ROBERT     You'd best keep your voice down, dear fellow.  The artist is a good friend of dear Gwynneth, our host tonight, and I hear he's actually graced us with his presence. ROY     No- no.  It's actually feces.  The graffitti.  I'm Roy Chambers.  The artist? VIVIENNE     F-feces?  Excrement? ROY     Yup. VIVIENNE     B-but...  doesn't it ... lose pungency after a time? ROY     Of course.  I freshen it up every couple of days.  I hope you don't mind if I don't shake hands. A BEAT OF SHOCKED SILENCE, THEN ROBERT     Well, that does put a new [trailing off] face ...on ...it.  VIVIENNE     Oh, look, they've opened the champagne. SOUND     HURRIED FOOTSTEPS AWAY ROY     [chuckles] GWYNNETH     [sigh] Darling, you'll never sell anything if you keep telling people your work is shit. ROY     [laughs harder]  You know that's not the point.  I just love seeing the look in their eyes.  GWYNNETH     Well, you may have the luxury of not needing to make your way as an artist, but I still need-- ROY     I can always-- GWYNNETH     [indignant]  Write me a check?  Not on your life, handsome.  If I can't make it, I'll fail on my own two feet.  [softening]  But you can buy me dinner.  Again. ROY     [chuckling] I wasn't going to suggest charity - but since I seem to be the one losing you sales on my pieces, you could let me pay rent for the space-- GWYNNETH     I don't understand why you're so down on your art.  [serious] It's good Roy.  It's powerful.  I wouldn't have it in my gallery otherwise... [rowr] no matter how terrific you are in bed. ROY     It makes me uncomfortable, like I'm ... exposing myself. GWYNNETH     That's what makes it so strong-- SCENE 2 SOUND     A COMMOTION IN THE BACKGROUND - SOMEONE YELLING - GETS LOUDER AS GWYNNETH AND ROY APPROACH GWYNNETH     [muttering as she hustles] Oh, goodness, it's not the man enclosed in legos with his winkie hanging out again, is it? ROY     [right behind her] Maybe a critic's seeing eye dog got at the sculpture in baloney. GWYNNETH     Poor dog - that meat's been here a week. ROY     Either one. SOUND     COMMOTION HAS ENDED - JUST HEAVY BREATHING FROM A COUPLE OF GUYS GWYNNETH     [authoritative] What is going on? ARTURO     This ...person... was ...molesting... my statue. ROY     [muttered] Is it the baloney?  GWYNNETH     [muttered] No. ROY     [muttered] The winkie? GWYNNETH     [muttered] Shh.  ARTURO     I demand charges be filed. HANK     I was only-- ARTURO     No one cares what you were trying to do, you philistine! GWYNNETH     Arturo.  ARTURO     Luddite!  Peon! GWYNNETH     Arturo!  Please, calm down.  I promise I shall handle this personally.  ARTURO     [going off] Just make sure he keeps his filthy hands off my beautiful marbles. ROY     [muttered] Maybe his marbles should meet lego man's winkie. GWYNNETH     [trying not to laugh] Ahem.  Now, sir, I'm Miss Robinson - and this is my gallery.  And you are? HANK     [subdued, apologetic, aw shucks] Hank - Henry, that is - Norton. GWYNNETH     What were you doing, then? HANK     The statue - it looks like Lizzie - Elizabeth - my sister.  Just like her.  ROY     That not what she asked. HANK     Well, I was thinking it might be like that old movie where the guy kills people, puts them in plaster and gets famous for his art...  Lizzie's missing, ever since she wrote and said she had a job modeling for this guy.  So I wanted to... check and see... GWYNNETH     [gentle] I don't know the movie, Hank, but I'm pretty sure you can't put someone in marble the way you might with plaster.  It simply doesn't work that way. HANK     No? GWYNNETH     No. ROY     Hank, let's get us a glass of that champagne. GWYNNETH     [stage whisper] Thank you! SOUND     QUICK KISS SCENE 3 MUSIC      A LITTLE TIME PASSES SOUND     EXCITED COMMOTION, CAMERAS GWYNNETH     Oh, god, what is it this time? ROBERT     [in awe] It's Solange.  She's here! VIVIENNE     [going off] If I were only into women... ROBERT     [going off] Me too... GWYNNETH     [sigh, then clearly trying to convince herself] It's good.  Publicity.  I like supermodels. ROY     [coming on] Who--? GWYNNETH     Solange is the latest sensation.  So bloody skinny. ROY     Better keep her away from the baloney. GWYNNETH     [slightly venomous] It would do her good. ROY     I didn't mean her - just the dog. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS AND JINGLE OF DOG HARNESS APPROACH GWYNNETH     Solange, I am honored. SOLANGE     [strange accent] Ah?  Sorree, and you are? GWYNNETH     I'm Gwynneth Robinson.  This is my gallery.  We are truly-- SOLANGE     Where ees Arturo? GWYNNETH     Right over there.  SOLANGE     Take mee to heem, pleez.  SOUND     JINGLE OF DOG'S HARNESS, SCRABBLE OF CLAWS ON FLOOR. GWYNNETH     My pleasure.  My arm is just to your right.  Would you like something to drink?  [fading out]  Perhaps some water for your service animal? ROY     Is that the latest thing - blind models? VIVIENNE     'Differently abled' darling.  You could get sued -- ROBERT     Or at least censured. VIVIENNE     --for use of non-PC language. ROBERT     Besides, with a body like that, who cares if she can see?  And the dark glasses are her trademark - she's never seen without them. ROY     Hmm.  You two seem like just the type I need. VIVIENNE     I don't do threesomes. ROBERT     I do. ROY     No, no - not like that, but [buttering up] you really seem to be in the know... VIVIENNE     Of course. ROBERT     Pity. ROY     This Arturo guy - what can you tell me about him? VIVIENNE     Quid pro quo, dear friend - tell us about you first. ROY     Well...  It's brownie mix - the brown stuff. ROBERT     Re-e-e-eally...?  SCENE 4 MUSIC SOUND      CLUNK OF OVERHEAD LIGHTS GOING OFF GWYNNETH      [coming on, low and sultry]  So.  The lights are off.  The crowd is gone.  And the door is locked against the night.  You know what that means? ROY     Hmm? GWYNNETH      Come on, love.  I need some serious stress relief. ROY     In a moment. GWYNNETH      What is so fascinating about these things?  First that poor little man - now you? ROY     Have you really looked at them? GWYNNETH      Dearest, I don't really look at anything that goes in here, beyond deciding if I think it will sell.  That way lies sheer madness. ROY     How did legoman get in? GWYNNETH      Oh, that. [sigh] I'm still not certain about that one.  ROY     Anyway, these statues - I don't know anything about marble sculpting, but I would assume it's not the easiest thing in the world, even with modern technology. GWYNNETH      I suppose. ROY     Look at the detail here.  The clothes, hair  - rivets in the jeans, even.  Everything is exact.  Perfect. GWYNNETH      So he's anal.  Surely you're not thinking that Arturo whats-his-name has somehow immured people in marble. ROY     Nah.  But I can see Hank's point.  His sister's statue looks - almost alive.  And she's not happy about it. MUSIC SCENE 5 AMBIANCE      RESTAURANT GWYNNETH      Where were you?  I really could have used you at the gallery tonight. ROY     Why?  What happened? GWYNNETH      I asked you first. ROY     [sigh]  I-I was trying to find that artist - the one with the statues. GWYNNETH      And--? ROY     He's harder to track down than ... than me. GWYNNETH      [laughs] Perhaps he's another eccentric with more money than sense. ROY     Hey--!  I thought that was part of my charm. GWYNNETH      No.  I love you.  But I don't make any claim to understand you.  You don't even like your own art. ROY     [slightly uncomfortable] It just comes out that way.  SOUND     A MOMENT OF EATING GWYNNETH      [unpleasantly surprised]  Oh god! Don't look.  It's her.  Just act normal. ROY     What?  Who am I not looking at? GWYNNETH      The commotion.  I mean the woman who caused the- PENELOPE     [off]  Hello! ROY     I think she's seen you. GWYNNETH      Oh, god. ROY     Is there anything I should know before she gets here? GWYNNETH      I'm going to be a coward and duck out for the loo. ROY     About her, I mean.  [beat]  You've got a moment, the maitre d' has her in a headlock. GWYNNETH      [laugh] She claims to be a psychic and made a fuss over Arturo's marbles.  God, I'm seriously regretting ever taking them on. ROY     Why did you?  I mean, looking at his stuff, he could be showcased in the biggest gallery in town, and- [trails off uncertainly] GWYNNETH      Rather than a piddling little upstart like mine?  Oh, hell-  See you! SOUND     GETS UP FROM CHAIR, DASHES AWAY ROY     Chicken. PENELOPE     [slightly off] Miss Robinson! SOUND     CHAIR SCRAPES ROY     She'll be right back.  PENELOPE     [coming on] Oh.  I'm so sorry - I didn't mean to interrupt - are you - you're her beau, aren't you? ROY     I'm her boyfriend, yeah. SOUND     CHAIR SCRAPES, SHE SITS DOWN PENELOPE     I could tell the moment I really looked at you. ROY     [giving her nothing] Ah.  Well.  PENELOPE     Oh, I'm so sorry.  She probably mentioned me, I'm Penelope Cartwright. [confidential]  I'm a certified psychic. ROY     Oh.  Well. PENELOPE     Oh-ho!  I can tell you're a disbeliever, Mr. -? ROY     Don't you know?  You're the psychic. PENELOPE     [laughs]  It's not like that, handsome.  Well, sometimes it is.  Let me see, let me see.  Hmm.  I'm feeling the letter T.  Can I see your hands? ROY     [over-eager] T?  As in Thomas? PENELOPE     [pleased] Aha!  Your palm?  There.  You work with your hands, are you in construction? ROY     [noncommital] Mm. PENELOPE     But there's something else - your money line is a bit baffling.   Very strong - not what I usually see in someone doing manual work.  And something about cats... [Surprised as he snatches his hand away] What?? ROY     Look, Miss Cartwright. You've been right about one thing - and only one thing - I'm a skeptic.   PENELOPE     But, I-- ROY     But, nothing.  I think you'd better go before I feel like embarrassing you in front of Miss Robinson. PENELOPE     Please-- ROY     Go. PENELOPE     [beat]  Very well.  [intense]  But you need to hear this--  [before he can speak]  No!  I have to say it, and if you won't let me wait to tell her, then you have to hear it. ROY     Fine.  Whatever.  Quickly. PENELOPE     The statues - there's something very wrong with them - worse even than that painful installation near the front door with the brown stuff-  I just walked past, and they shouted to me - screamed for help - as if they were alive! ROY     Right. PENELOPE     You don't have to believe, but you must hear me.  I felt such evil in the presence of those poor dear things. ROY     [very sarcastic]  They're... evil statues? PENELOPE     Oh, no.  They're evil's victims. SCENE 6 MUSIC AMBIANCE     STREET GWYNNETH      I can't believe she would do that!  You're such a saint to put up with everything. ROY     Saint?  No.  Just amused by people.  Probably why I like the gallery scene - art folk are hilarious. GWYNNETH      Like Vivienne and Robert? ROY     Who? GWYNNETH      You were talking to them at the gallery last week - after that young man made the fuss over the statues. ROY     Oh.  Bert and Ernie. GWYNNETH      Vivienne IS a female.  I've known her for years. ROY     The way they dress, who could tell?  And who would care? GWYNNETH      Dare I ask what 'the statue whisperer' had to say? ROY     She said they were crying out for help, blah blah blah.  GWYNNETH      Oh, good, now we have two loonies who believe the statues are somehow alive. ROY     Oh, and she apparently hates my work too. GWYNNETH      [joking] Well.  Then she must be normal. MUSIC SCENE 7 SOUND     HEAVY DOOR OPENING ROY     [echoey] Hello? SOUND     ECHOEY FOOTSTEPS, SECOND HEAVY DOOR OPENING ROY     Hello?  I know you're in here. ARTURO     [distant sigh, then, off]  Come on, then - to the left. SOUND     HESITANT ECHOEY FOOTSTEPS, ANOTHER HEAVY DOOR ROY     Isn't it a bit dark in here for a studio? ARTURO     [still distant] You want light?  SOUND     LOUD RUSTLE OF CANVAS, as a heavy curtain swoops to the side. ROY     [reacts to sudden brightness] Jeez!  Good thing I'm not a vampire. ARTURO     [close] You come to steal my secrets? ROY     [jumps, then laughs]  Not my style.  I sculpt from garbage. ARTURO     [disdainful] Yes.  I have noticed.  So why? ROY     You interest me. ARTURO     I thought you were sleeping with our blonde gallery owner. ROY     Um, and you're seeing the supermodel. So? ARTURO     Not that kind of interest?  ROY     [reacts, then] Not very sociable, eh? ARTURO     Hmm.  Perhaps that is why my place here is unlisted and no one visits me.  You have explained a lot.  Feel free to leave. ROY     [beat]  I don't see any materials - working on anything? ARTURO     I am planning.  I don't sculpt here.  It is much too noisy. ROY     The sculpting? ARTURO     The city.  [beat]  And the work.  ROY     Your work is very detailed.  Do you model from life or photos? ARTURO     [a bit odd] From life.  ROY     How do you find your models? ARTURO     Anyone can be a model. [a bit threatening] Perhaps I should ... immortalize ... you? ROY     I'm not that cute. ARTURO     [uncomfortably close]  You don't see yourself clearly.  You're a perfect type - strong, but not silent.  Yet-- SOUND     CELLPHONE RINGS ROY     That's me.  Sorry.  SOUND     CELLPHONE ON ROY     'lo?  Yeah, I'm there now.  No, won't be long.  SOUND     CELLPHONE HANGS UP, TURNS OFF ROY     Sorry about that. ARTURO     [backed off]  Of course.  You are interested in my work - My next major project is a woman.  That is all you will know.  Now leave me. SCENE 8 MUSIC SOUND     DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH, COMPUTER NOISES ROY     I've been doing some googling-- GWYNNETH      [slightly off] You don't even look up.  I could be anyone.  A serial killer? ROY     Reflection in the screen.  GWYNNETH      [close up] Oh, well, then.  [hug and kiss noise] So what have you been googling? ROY     Turning people to stone. GWYNNETH      [sigh] Oh god, not Arturo again? ROY     He creeped me out.  I'm not sure if he was about to kiss me or stab me.  And when he said his next project was a woman - all I could think about was that poor blind girl. GWYNNETH     Yes. [mock sympathy] Poor little skinny bitch blind supermodel. ROY     Right.  So, disregarding the E-L-O song, there are myths all over the place about people being turned to stone.  Gorgons, Basilisks-- GWYNNETH      Medusa-- ROY     --yeah, gorgons-- GWYNNETH      What? ROY     Medusa's a gorgon. Like Dracula's a vampire. GWYNNETH     Fine, so I slept through my classical education.  What have you come up with, then? ROY     Disregarding the mythological crap, then, there are a number of fictional stories dealing with it. GWYNNETH     Why disregard the mythical crap?  ROY     Right.  Have you seen any women wandering around New York with snakes for hair?  Or a giant lizard?  GWYNNETH     Hmm.  [shrug] It is New York.  So you lean towards fiction as being more reliable? ROY     When you put it that way... GWYNNETH     What's the front runner, then? ROY     [very serious] Some sort of alchemical process or machine  that changes flesh to stone.  [laughs]  But it's still nuts.  SOUND     LAST COUPLE OF KEYS BEING HIT GWYNNETH     If you're so creeped out by him, perhaps I should send him on his way. ROY     Nah.  GWYNNETH     Good.  He sells.  [teasing] Unlike some... ROY     Most of your art crowd creeps me out.   A little. GWYNNETH     And me--? ROY     Definitely.  [chuckle] Not. SOUND     SMOOCHING SCENE 9 MUSIC GWYNNETH     [talking on phone]  --shipped out first thing.  Crating and handling will be fairly expensive-- [some talk] --very heavy, yes.  SOUND     TAP ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS QUIETLY GWYNNETH     [covers phone, whispers] just a second.  [back to phone]  I'll email you the invoice, and that should go out this afternoon. SOUND     PHONE HANGS UP GWYNNETH     Can I help you? VIVIENNE     I hate to bother you, but-- [deep breath] GWYNNETH     Nonsense.  Have a seat. SOUND     CHAIR SHIFTS VIVIENNE     Could you perhaps see your way to telling me how to find that sculptor?  The one who does the truly amazing marble statues? GWYNNETH     [muttered] Not another one. VIVIENNE     Huh?  You see, Robert--  that fellow asked him to model, and being the narcissist that he is, he was entirely unable to refuse-- GWYNNETH     Oh.  Um, I might be able to-- VIVIENNE     I don't want to make any trouble, but his partner, you know, blames me-- SCENE A1 MUSIC AMBIANCE     NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY ROY     Hello? PENELOPE     [off, musical] Just a moment! SOUND     RATTLE OF BEAD CURTAIN, FOOTSTEPS PENELOPE     [over the top] Welcome to-- [tone change] oh, it's you.  Come to sneer? ROY     [soft laugh]  No.  I wanted to ask you a few questions. PENELOPE     You saw my sign - it's all entertainment. ROY     It also said this-- SOUND     SLAP OF MONEY ON TABLE ROY     --buys me an hour of your time. PENELOPE     [sigh] It's your dime.   SOUND     MONEY SNATCHED UP PENELOPE     One of many, if I recall your money line. ROY     I want to know what put you onto the statues.  Did a guy named Hank Norton hire you? PENELOPE     Hire?  You think I've been paid-- ROY     Were you? PENELOPE     [sigh]  Yeah, I really love making an ass of myself in public.  Tscha.  If I was that much of a masochist, I'd'a taken up mime.  You may not believe it, but I truly felt something in there.  ROY     Screaming? PENELOPE     It's not that specific.  I have to exaggerate - to translate - when I tell people about my "feelings."  They only want to believe things they can relate to.  I felt ... unease.  Fear.  [sigh]  A definite flavor of more than one mind.    ROY     You were in a crowded gallery. PENELOPE     More than one mind in distress.  Since then- [breaks off] ROY     Yes? PENELOPE     Can you do me a huge favor? ROY     Maybe. PENELOPE     Can you try to hold your laughter until you're back out on the street? ROY     I think so. PENELOPE     I've been having dreams. ROY     [snort] PENELOPE     [warning noise]  I couldn't move.  And I couldn't feel anything - but I could see. I could even hear.  And be afraid.  It was - fear was the biggest part of it.  [beat]  You seem to be with me so far-- ROY     Yes. PENELOPE     Well, here's where I'll lose you.  I don't usually feel things in words, but in flavors, and colors, and textures.  ROY     Like auras? PENELOPE     No.  It's - like with you, I taste brick and brown, and smell the tang of old wires. ROY     [uneasy] Whatever.  Get on with it. PENELOPE     The feeling in my dream - the flavor of it, if you will - was identical to what I felt at the gallery.  SCENE a2 MUSIC ROY     [off, calling]  Gwyn? VIVIENNE     [muffled] Eh? ROY     [coming on] Gwyn?  [muttered] Oh, it's Bert.  Or Ernie. VIVIENNE     Hmm?  She's out.  Asked me to run some numbers for her.  You didn't realize I have skills beyond those of mere mortal critics? ROY     [snarky] You'd have to. VIVIENNE     Look.  Maybe you can help me - Gwyn seems to put a lot of faith in you, despite your obvious attitude problems. ROY     [snort] VIVIENNE     Robert - you recall Robert?  Well, he's gone missing, ever since agreeing to model for Arturo, and I don't know what to-- ROY     He probably just went off with someone. VIVIENNE     He wouldn't-- ROY     And you're such a judge? VIVIENNE     I know Robert-- ROY     I thought he was into guys. VIVIENNE     [really mad]  That does not make him a slut who would run off without a word. ROY     [backing down a bit]  Ok, fine.  You know your friend.  But everyone has a dark side. VIVIENNE     True.  [quick, stabbing] Why do you hate yourself? ROY     What?  What are you, a shrink? VIVIENNE     There's a lot of psychology in art.  Your work says a great deal about you.  Self loathing fairly screams from every line. ROY     [still trying to brush her off, but with an edge] Maybe why it doesn't sell. VIVIENNE     I didn't say it wasn't brilliant - it is.  It's much too powerful for most people. They see what you show them, but don't know how to handle it. ROY     You should meet that psychic.  You'll get on like a house on fire. VIVIENNE     Marines? ROY     [sharp] What? VIVIENNE     Special forces?  You either saw action or spent a lot of time in prison.  You don't have the stance of an abused child. ROY     Look lady-- VIVIENNE     Or the tats of a career criminal-- ROY     Shut up! VIVIENNE     Those are the main ways to reach such a depth of hatred for yourself-- SOUND     A COUPLE OF QUICK FOOTSTEPS ROY     [close]  Is there a point to this? VIVIENNE     [not backing down]  I needed to show you I understand people.  You.  Gwynneth.  And Robert.  And he wouldn't go off and leave Gregoire without a word like that. ROY     Ok, I believe you.  Get the fuck out. VIVIENNE     First, tell me how to find Arturo.  If you don't care what happened to Robert, I do. ROY     What makes you think I know how to find him? [beat]  All right.  SOUND     SCRIBBLING, PAPER TEARS ROY     Here. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS RECEDE, THEN STOP VIVIENNE     [slightly off] She doesn't care, you know. ROY     [tries not to respond, then] What? VIVIENNE     Gwynneth.  She knows you, and for some reason she still loves you.  SCENE a3 MUSIC GWYNNETH     She really said--? ROY     [uncertain] She was full of it. GWYNNETH     Well, if that looney's psych-ee sense is right, and they are cursed, at least they're not my problem - all six of them have sold for huge amounts, and I've a list of commission requests as long as my arm to pass on to Arturo as soon as he gets back in contact. ROY     Have you checked out his so-called studio? GWYNNETH     He never told me where it is. ROY     I was there.  GWYNNETH     You beast! ROY     I guess I forgot to mention it.  Money does have some privileges.  SCENE a4 MUSIC SOUND     STEALTHY FEET. EVERYTHING ECHOES SLIGHTLY GWYNNETH     [whispered] This is madness. ROY     You're the one who spotted Vivienne's car.  GWYNNETH     Doesn't mean we needed to break in. ROY     It was unlocked.  No breaking.  SOUND     RUNNING FEET APPROACH, SLIGHTLY MUFFLED ROY      Stay back, someone's-- SOUND     FEET ARE CLEAR VIVIENNE     [panting, then gasps in muffled terror] SOUND      FEET COME TO AN ABRUPT STOP GWYNNETH     Viv? VIVIENNE     [gasping, trying to calm down]  We need to get out of here - call the police!  GWYNNETH     What?  Why? VIVIENNE     It's Robert!  A statue!  There's no way he could have carved so fast-- SOLANGE     [far off scream] VIVIENNE     [gasp] He's doing something terrible to her, too--! ROY     You get out of here - I'll see what I can do-- GWYNNETH     Yes, get going. SCENE a5 SOUND     FOOTSTEPS, DOOR ROY     [to Gwyn] You too. GWYNNETH     Nonsense.  You stop him, I'll help her-- SOUND     THEIR SNEAKING FOOTSTEPS ARTURO     [off, calling] You think you can get away?  Darling?  If you hide, it just makes me angry. GWYNNETH     We can at least see what's coming at us.  ROY     That's not always a good thing. SOUND     DISTANT DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN ARTURO     [off]  Here?  No? GWYNNETH     I plan to stare death in the face and spit in its-- SOLANGE     [off, whimper]  GWYNNETH     Shh!  Did you hear that? ROY     [moving off] Over here— SOUND     CUPBOARD DOOR OPENS SOLANGE     [gasp]  Who ees thees? GWYNNETH     It's all right.  We'll get you out.  Feel my hand? ROY     He's getting closer. GWYNNETH     I've got her.  Up you come. ROY     We need to move.  SOLANGE     Are wee neer zee door say ehkseet? GWYNNETH     Exit?  [looking around]  Oh, yes – there.   Come on. SOUND     CAREFUL FOOTSTEPS, DOOR QUIETLY OPENS, THEN  STARTS TO CLOSE BEHIND THEM GWYNNETH     Roy? ROY     Get her out of here.  I'm going to stop Arturo. GWYNNETH     Roy! SOUND     GRAB, RUSTLE, KISS ROY     Get clear. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS SCENE a6 SOUND      QUIET CAREFUL FOOTSTEPS ARTURO     [off, calling]  Come out, come out? SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN, OFF SOUND     ROY'S FOOTSTEPS STOP ARTURO     [Getting closer]  There is no place to run to— SOUND     A's FOOTSTEPS APPROACH ARTURO     Don't make this any more difficult-- SOUND     SCUFFLE.  GRUNTS.  BODY FALLS ROY     [whispering, close, puffing a little]  Not difficult at all.  [chuckle] SOUND     HANDCUFFS RATCHET, SLAP SHUT ARTURO     [puffing, hard to breathe] And Solange? ROY     Out of your reach.  ARTURO     [wheezy evil chuckle]  In reach of your young lady, though. [laughs again] ROY     What?  ARTURO     Don't worry - you still can get away. ROY     [dawns on him] Shit!  SOUND     BODY DRAGS, DOOR OPENS ROY     [Grunt as he shoves Arturo into a closet] SCENE a7 SOUND     DOOR SLAMS, LOCKS, HURRIED FOOTSTEPS ROY     [edge of panic] Gwyn?  You here? GWYNNETH     [muffled gasp of pain, distant] SOUND      RUNNING FOOTSTEPS ROY     Where are you? SOLANGE     [off, too sweetly] Over heere.  SOUND     BANKS OF LIGHTS COME ON, ONE AT A TIME SOUND     FOOTSTEPS SLOW, CAUTIOUS ROY     You can't hide in the light— SOLANGE     [closer] I 'ave no weesh to.  I hwant you to see— GWYNNETH     [off] Roy!  Get out!  Get the police!  Don't— [breaks off with a long gasp] SOLANGE     [off] Are hyou zee hero?  Cohm and geet her.  Hyou might steel sehv her. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS STOP ROY      [very sotto]  Shit.  [up] I've got Arturo – let's make a trade. SOLANGE     Heez a tool.  I can find anozzer. ROY     What?  You--? SOLANGE     [disparaging] Zee great arteest.  A mere saylzman.  He is un‑eemportant.  Come out and aye weel no hert her more. GWYNNETH     [gasp]  Get out, Roy— [ends in a hiccup of pain] ROY     Gwyn, whatever you do, keep your eyes shut – can you do that? GWYNNETH     [fights to make an affirmative sound] SOLANGE     So you Zink you noh somezeeng?  Come clozer, man.  [kissing noise, like summoning a dog] I could reemov her eyeleedz, you know.  It is chust zo – barbareec. GWYNNETH     [High squeal] ROY     Why?  I mean, why do it?  What are you? SOLANGE     Stop moveeng!  Hwonce, we wayr feered and worshipp-ed.  GWYNNETH     [gaspy] So now you're a supermodel - what's the diff-- [gasp] SOLANGE     Hyou ask why I turn peepul to stone?  ROY     [muttered] Just a bit closer.  [up] Yeah, what's the deal? SOLANGE     Chust for the look on zayr face! [laughs merrily, then gasps] Ow! SOUND     SCUFFLE, THEN QUICK FEET SOLANGE     You Beech!  You BEET mee! GWYNNETH     Come on! SOUND      RUNNING FEET SOLANGE     [going off] You cannot geet away! SCENE a8 SOUND     FOOTSTEPS RUNNING MADLY, SLAM THROUGH SEVERAL SETS OF DOORS, FOOTSTEPS STOP BOTH     [breathing hard, Gwynneth gasping a bit in pain] ROY     Sorry.  GWYNNETH     Let's get out, then you can apologize all over me. ROY     [chuckle] SOUND     HIT BAR ON NEXT DOOR. IT WON'T MOVE. ROY     Shit! SOUND     POUNDING ON DOOR, TRYING TO MAKE IT OPEN SOUND     BEHIND THEM, A DISTANT SET OF DOORS SLAMS OPEN ROY     Shit!! GWYNNETH     What is it?  ROY     She's a gorgon – medusa.  That's why she always wears the shades-  Whatever you do, don't look in her eyes. SOUND     ANOTHER DISTANT SET OF DOORS SOUND     PUSHING ON THE NEAR DOOR. NO LUCK ROY     [almost giving up] shit. GWYNNETH     [strangely calm] We're trapped? ROY     She did it.  Just like this.  Hunted them down and caught them - no wonder they all look so damn scared. GWYNNETH     Well... [gasp] hold me?  At least that way, we end up a statue together. ROY     [chuckle dissolves into gasping sob] SOUND     LAST DOOR BUT ONE SLAMS OPEN.  FOOTSTEPS CAN BE HEARD COMING CLOSER ROY     [deep breath] Do you trust me? GWYNNETH      Of course.  I love you. ROY     I – I love you, too. GWYNNETH     I know.  I – SOUND     LAST DOOR SLAMS OPEN.  SLOW OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS, SLITHERY NOISES ACCOMPANY HER ARRIVAL GWYNNETH     [Scream of agony] SCENE a9 MUSIC AMBIANCE     GALLERY.  BUZZ.  MUSIC. GORDIE     Is that the owner?  Seems funny to run a gallery, being blind and all. VIVIENNE     [sounding older, wiser]  She trusts my judgment.  GORDIE     Was she born blind? VIVIENNE     Oh, no – there's a tragic story there. GORDIE     Do tell! VIVIENNE     Some years back, our dear hostess was madly in love – you've seen the statue in the corner near her office? GORDIE     That fabulous marble of the hunk?  Sylvester said it was the last piece Arturo ever sculpted. VIVIENNE     The – model – for that was the man she loved. GORDIE     [a little bitchy] Oh, how sweet, and she keeps it to remind her of him? VIVIENNE     He was the one who put her eyes out. END  

Gamers on their way to a convention run afoul of violent criminals on the run.  Can they use their "skillz" to survive? [warning - some violence, language, and mature situations] Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Abby - Beverly Poole Mark - Brian Lomatewama Justin - Mathias Rebne Morgan Brianna - Lyndsey Thomas Tyler - Michael Faigenblum Clark - Brandon O'Brien News Report - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Man - Bill Hollweg Music of DARKEST OF THE HILLSIDE THICKETS!  used with permission Show theme and Incidental Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a van on a road in the middle of nowhere, can't you tell?" _______________________________________ EXIT STRATEGY Cast: Mark - Game Master, in a wheelchair Abby - strategy girl Justin - the driver, Mark's brother Brianna - nurse, dating Tyler Tyler - wiry LARPer, dating Brianna Clark - a criminal Thug - another criminal SOUND     FOOTSTEPS OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a car on a stretch of road in the middle of nowhere, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND      INSIDE CAR NOISES SOUND     Music plays on the radio SOUND     "BING" FROM THE DASHBOARD SOUND     Justin turns down the stereo JUSTIN     We're riding E.  [up] Eyes peeled for a gas station, everybody! MARK     Hey, Justin, remember when it used to be sooo cool to cross the state line? JUSTIN     Yeah - some things just lose their charm as you get older, little bro. MARK     And can drink legally in your own state... ABBY     Don't drink and game.  It dulls your edge. JUSTIN     You've got enough edge for all of us, Abby.  BRIANNA     [slightly off, giggles] I would too. TYLER     [slightly off] That is so great.  You are so great. ABBY     You do realize we can hear you? JUSTIN     Keep it clean back there.  I'll lose my damage deposit on the van if it comes back stained. BRIANNA     Ew!  We were just-- TYLER     [defiant] I was just telling Bree that if she ever got possessed by a demon, I would totally kill her. BRIANNA     [squeaky] Isn't that sweet? ABBY     [baffled] Yeah.  [whispered] What do you think brought on this declaration of undying love? JUSTIN     Tyler brought his DVD player.  I think they're watching Evil Dead. ABBY     Oh. [that explains it] MARK     You guys are all going to help with the "Super Five" tournament, right?  I can count on you? ABBY     Well-- MARK     Well? ABBY     [hesitant] I was checking, and the final round of the "AfterBlast" championship is in the same time slot. MARK     [excited] You really think you have a chance? ABBY     Hell yeah.  I plan to kick ass and take names.  MARK     That rocks.  JUSTIN     I-- I noticed you were the only - um - ABBY     Discernibly female? JUSTIN     Yeah, that - name on the semi-finals roster.  ABBY     Yup.  Time to represent. MUSIC JUSTIN     Pit stop! MARK     Man, you are this close to losing your deposit. JUSTIN     Shit.  Your chair's packed! BRIANNA     I got you, Mark.  SOUND     DOOR SLIDES OPEN, SHIFTING SOUNDS AS SHE GETS OUT SOUND     FRONT DOOR OPENS BRIANNA     Come on, then. TYLER     [teasing, going off] No groping my girl, now. MARK     Hey!  My hand slipped.  Once. BRIANNA     Girl. [snort]  I am a woman. [grunts as she gets Mark on her back]  OK, hold on.  Tyler, got the door? TYLER     [off] Getting it! SOUND     QUICK FOOTSTEPS ON CONCRETE SOUND     DOOR OPENS. MEN'S ROOM SOUND     FLUSH, STALL DOOR OPENS MAN     Hey!  You can't be in here! BRIANNA     Puh-lease.  I'm a nurse.  Almost.  [sarcastic] And you should get that looked at. MUSIC AMBIANCE     NIGHTTIME ROAD, VERY QUIET MUSIC VERY QUIET ON THE STEREO JUSTIN     [quiet] Hey Abby? ABBY     [quiet, tired] Hmm? JUSTIN     Just wanted to see if you're awake. ABBY     Really?  Nice of you to check. JUSTIN     Well... I'm not sure how much farther it is to the motel, and I was starting to fade a bit.  Help keep me on the road? ABBY     [half yawning] Sure.  What's on your mind? JUSTIN     Any chance you and I - you know - sometime? ABBY     [half a laugh]  I've sworn a blood oath not to date any man who can't beat me in a fair game of AfterBlast. JUSTIN     Really? ABBY     Something like that.  No offense, OK?  You're nice.  But we're kind of different worlds. JUSTIN     I used to game--  ABBY     Used to.  You traded in your dice for the corporate world. JUSTIN     It's not that bad-- [sudden change]  Whoah. ABBY     What? JUSTIN     Nothing.  Just - there's headlights behind us.  They weren't there a minute ago. ABBY     Must have come round a corner.  SOUND     CREAK, TURN ABBY     [turned to look] Hmm.  How fast are we going? JUSTIN     Why? ABBY     They're catching up.  Should I wake everybody? JUSTIN     Well...  if there's a crash, they're better off asleep.  Relaxed.  It's a fact - why drunks walk away more often-- ABBY     It's still coming.  Can we get off the road?  JUSTIN     There just isn't any place to go!  The ditches are ... gaping black chasms! ABBY     What's our speed? JUSTIN     Seventy.  So far. SOUND     GROWLING ROAR, GETTING CLOSER ABBY     How much can you push a minivan? JUSTIN     Don't know.  It's a rental. ABBY     All right. [thinking]  Turn off the headlights. JUSTIN     What?  ABBY      There's a good moon - the road is straight as far as I can see right now - can you hold the wheel straight while you're blinded? SOUND     ROARING REVVING APPROACHES JUSTIN      I... guess-- yes. SOUND     HEADLIGHTS TURN OFF JUSTIN     [heavy breathing] ABBY     Once our eyes adjust, we can look for a turnoff - in the dark, with the headlights, we won't see it until it's too late.  JUSTIN     Does that work? ABBY     I don't know.  Yes!  There, to the left, a road. JUSTIN     We're going too fast! ABBY     Start the turn early, and run in at an angle.  It should work.  MARK     [half asleep] Yeah, the roll factors are considerably less-- JUSTIN     Roll factors? MARK     "Street Wars," core manual.  The turn gauge modifiers. JUSTIN     Whatever, here we go! SOUND     SCREECH MUSIC AMBIANCE     OUTSIDE SOUND     TICKING OF THE ENGINE MARK     I'm suitably impressed. JUSTIN     Thanks.  Me too. ABBY     It worked! JUSTIN     A flat tire-- ABBY     Just one. MARK     --is not bad, all things considered. ABBY     [encouraging] Besides you missed the ditch, and the car didn't even flip. MUSIC SOUND     ON THE ROAD AGAIN TYLER     Doesn't this whole thing remind anyone of a movie? JUSTIN     Movie?  What, Texas Chainsaw Massacre? ABBY     Wo!  We do have the right carload for leatherface. MARK     Hey, Justin, don't pick up any strangers, kay?  I don't wanna be the first to die. TYLER     No....  OK, think.  A brother and sister in a car, in the middle of nowhere-- BRIANNA     [helping] In the middle of the day-- TYLER     Run off the road by a huge spooky truck--?  Hmm? MARK     That wasn't a truck.  ABBY     It wasn't? MARK     While you guys were watching the road, I watched it go by - It was big and square-- TYLER     A truck. MARK     No.  Better than that - I saw words on the side. BRIANNA     A truck? MARK     [sigh] Nope.  I must have made a perfect success on my perception roll, though - it was an armored car.  JUSTIN     In the middle of the night?  In the middle of nowhere? ABBY     Radio.  There must be something. SOUND     RADIO ON, SURF CHANNELS, STOP ON AN AD MARK     I like N-P-R. ABBY     News channel, bub. [Moment just listening.] JUSTIN     OK, enough with the ads - give us some news. TYLER     If this was a movie, the minute we switched over, the news bulletin would come on right then.  Cheesy, eh? BRIANNA     It's just a genre convention - a way of condensing all this boring time spent listening to-- JUSTIN     Shh. SOUND     TURNS VOLUME UP NEWS     ...the third armored car hijacking this year, and the second one with fatalities.  Three security guards were injured in the attack-- JUSTIN     Wow.  We should call someone. ABBY     Already on it.  SOUND     CELL PHONE BEEPS ABBY     Damn.  No reception. NEWS     --two are in critical condition.  Pursuers lost the car in a high speed chase when the hijackers realized they were being tracked and dumped the onboard GPS at the side of the road.  JUSTIN     Well, the motel must be close.  They'll have a phone. NEWS     Police believe that one of the hijackers may have been injured in the attack... SOUND      CLICK RADIO OFF - no music here MARK      I thought we were supposed to reach it by ten? JUSTIN     Well, with all you small bladdered people, we had a lot more potty breaks than I allowed for.  And, o'course, getting run off the road...  Changing the tire... TYLER     There was that. BRIANNA     Think your Uncle Joey'll give us a discount for coming in so late - half the night, half price? TYLER     I'll ask him.  [yawns] In the morning, though. MUSIC SOUND     CAR, SNORING FROM ALL BUT JUSTIN SOUND     BUMP, THEN CAR PULLS TO A STOP JUSTIN     [trying to stay awake noise]  Holy crap, I think we're here. ABBY     [waking]  Mmm?  Oh good... JUSTIN     One moment and I'll go and check in... ABBY     No, I'll get it.  Gotta pee anyway.  Small bladder.  [yawns] All that. JUSTIN     [receding] I didn't mean.... SOUND     CAR DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL, DOOR, BELL JINGLES ABBY     Hello?  Hello?  SOUND     RINGS DESK BELL SOUND     DOOR OPENS SOMEWHERE ABBY     [calling]  Look, I'm sorry to be coming in so late!  We had car trouble.  Can we get a room?  [beat]  Hello?  SOUND     FLUSH OF A TOILET ABBY     [needs to pee] Oh, jeez.  [deep shaky breath]  Hello? SOUND     DOOR OPENS CLARK     Hey.  Sorry about that.  I was catching a few.  You want a room? ABBY     Yeah, my friends and I - if you have a room with a couple of queens, we'll be fine. CLARK     Uh, sure.  Probably.  [looking around]  Nobody really here, tonight. ABBY     Could we have the one out on the end, then? CLARK     Don't see why not... um... ABBY     Says here it's room 14. CLARK     There you go.  [unconvincing laugh] So tired my eyes won't focus. SOUND     KEY SLAPPED ON TABLE ABBY     How much? CLARK     Oh, pay when you leave.  ABBY     Hmm.  Are you Joey? CLARK     Joey who? ABBY     [sharp intake of breath, then faking being ditzy]  Sorry - you look a lot like the cousin of a friend of mine.  CLARK     I get that a lot. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENS ABBY     Oh, can I use your bathroom?  It's kind of an emergency. CLARK     [too sharp] No!  I  mean, sorry - no can do.  Absolutely against policy.  Too bad you didn't get a room closer in, eh? ABBY     [flat, suspicious] Yeah. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS, JINGLE MUSIC SOUND     HOTEL ROOM DOOR SHUTS, FEET STUMBLE AROUND, BAGS DOWN, ETC. SOUND     BODY FLOPS ONTO BED JUSTIN     I am dead.  As driver, I call a bed.  SOUND     WHEELCHAIR ROLLS MARK     I'm with you.  SOUND     FLUSH BRIANNA     I suppose Abby and I should share the... other...? I thought she said the room would have two beds? SOUND      DOOR OPENS ABBY     That clerk didn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.  Did you park right next to the door Justin? JUSTIN     [half moan] Yes.  Why? ABBY     I have a bad feeling about all this.  TYLER     Any chance it has something to do with all the spooky movie talk in the car? BRIANNA     And the guy who ran us off the road? ABBY     Maybe.  JUSTIN     Well, unless you're ready to drive - and pay for the extra insurance - We're not moving from this spot until I wake up. ABBY     But the clerk - there was something wrong there.  Really.  God, for a chance at a spot hidden roll. MARK     [more awake] Describe him. BRIANNA     [groans]  Come on - it's beddy-bye time! MARK     Abby's got good instincts, Bree.  You know how hard it is for me to fool her. ABBY     That's just in game.  I'm not-- JUSTIN     [half asleep, but trying]  But you are the only girl-- BRIANNA     [half-hearted] Woman. JUSTIN     --to make it into the ... strategic final thingee-- ABBY     Ok.  Shit I'm tired.  [long deep thinking breath]  He wouldn't let me use the bathroom.  He didn't try and hit on me.  Didn't know which number room was the one on the end.  Didn't ask how many "we" were.  Didn't know which rooms have queen beds.  Didn't ask for a credit card. TYLER     So? He's dead tired too.  Big whoop.  It's [looks] 2 freaking 55 in the morning. MARK     Jeez, folks, we've had sessions which went long past 3!  What's wrong with you? JUSTIN     [muttered into the pillow]  Getting old. MARK     Yeah.  You 25-year old over the hill codger, you.  Abby, what would you do now?  ABBY     What? MARK     This is the scenario.  Right here.  What would you do? TYLER     Sleep. BRIANNA     Seconded. JUSTIN     [Snoring] MARK     Assume it's unlikely we can drive out of here - at least not conveniently.  How would you secure the room? ABBY      [perking up]  We could set watches-- TYLER     [mumbled] Screw you! ABBY     I can't watch all night.  Adrenaline is only good for so long. MARK     That guy struck you that bad? ABBY     Yeah.  I'm probably just-- MARK     Let's assume otherwise.  We have a map - of sorts - on the door there.  Take a look. ABBY     I - well, I got the room on the end, since we'd have a better chance of seeing or hearing anyone coming.  MARK     [chuckles] ABBY     I can't help it.  I'm already in strategy mode.  Ok, the room has windows at the front and back and a bathroom that abuts the next room.  No windows in the end wall.  If we could keep an eye either side-- SOUND     FEET ON CARPET, CURTAIN PULLED ASIDE, THEN WHIPPED BACK INTO PLACE. ABBY     Oh, shit. MARK     What? ABBY     God, I hope no one saw the light.  MARK     I'll turn it off.  Let them think we're asleep.  SOUND     CLICK OF SWITCH MARK     Now? ABBY     It's the truck - car - whatever!    The one that almost ran us off the road! MARK     [gasps]  Are you sure? ABBY     Come and look! MARK     I believe you.  We need everyone if this is a real situation.  Shit. ABBY     There's woods - cover - right out back.  If Tyler was up, he could go look. MARK     He's not going to be up any time soon. ABBY     I know what will-- I'm going to take a chance and get my other bag from the car.  I'll see what I can see.  MARK     I'll try the phone-- ABBY     No! MARK     Why? ABBY     Switchboard - I saw a switchboard in the office.  MARK     Shit.  Major "notice," though.  Good one. SOUND     DOOR OPENS MARK     Abby? ABBY     I'll be careful. MARK     [encouraging] I'm glad it's you. SOUND     DOOR SOFTLY CLOSES MARK      Shit.  SOUND     A moment of just snoring MUSIC      CREEPS IN, JUST A BIT MARK     [snorty, "almost fell asleep" noise]  Abby?  What time--?  Shit.  SOUND     WHEELCHAIR SHIFTS MARK     [urgent hiss] Justin!  Wake up, dammit! JUSTIN     Wha--? MARK     Wake Up! SOUND     DOOR OPENS QUICKLY, FEET COME IN, DOOR SHUTS AGAIN MARK     God!  You nearly gave me a heart attack! ABBY     Sorry - I spotted someone out in the parking lot, just after I got in the van, and I didn't want to move again until it was clear.  JUSTIN     [almost awake] What's going on? ABBY     I'll get Tyler up. MARK     Go for it.  I doubt you'll have much luck. ABBY     Ah, but I have a secret weapon - I always pack a sixer with me to gaming cons.  SOUND     SLOSHING OF LIQUID MARK     [almost drooling] Energy shots. ABBY     Un-huh.  It may take a minute or two, but we'll get everyone up and running. MUSIC TYLER     All you had to do was shout "Bob! Bob is coming!" and I woulda been up and running without the taste of ass - Bob was the demon in the larp last weekend, and man was he-- MARK     Shush.  EVERYONE     [Murmurs of assent] MARK     Let's assume this is not a drill. EVERYONE     [a bit undecided murmurs] ABBY     I know there's something odd here.  I feel it. JUSTIN     Are you sure you're not just jittery about the tourney? ABBY     Probably am, but that doesn't make me think I'm wrong. BRIANNA     [Still groggy] What do you want us to do? MARK     Tyler, are you up for something that could be really dangerous? TYLER     Hell yeah. BRIANNA     [cautioning] Tyler? TYLER     Well, how dangerous? MARK     Abby? ABBY     Out the back window of the room, I think I saw that armored car that nearly ran us down.  It's parked in a dark spot.  If it's really the one, and there's any chance it's the same one that was stolen, there's a good chance we've walked in on a den of thieves.  We need to know.  Can you get within range of it and have a look? TYLER      Gimme a second. SOUND     FEET. CURTAIN MOVES BRIANNA     When you say "really dangerous"--? MARK     They already killed a couple of guys during the holdup.  I can't see them hesitating at shooting a few more bystanders. BRIANNA     Tyler? ABBY     Bree, I've Larped with him, and if anyone can really sneak, it's Folemon. BRIANNA     But that's his character! ABBY     In live action games, there are things you either can do or you can't, and sneaking is‑‑ TYLER     [voice slightly different - "in character" as Folemon]  I spy the brigands' carriage.  I will hence and reconnoiter. BRIANNA     Be careful. TYLER     Fair maiden, with you to return to, I cannot fail.  [kiss on hand]  Douse the lanterns, lest my shadow betray me! MUSIC SOUND     LIGHT TAPPING NOISE, WHICH GOES ON THROUGHOUT JUSTIN     What are you doing? ABBY     What does it look like?  I'm checking for trap doors. JUSTIN     You're joking. BRIANNA     Didn't you see that movie Vacancy?  There was a trapdoor in the bathroom floor.  ABBY     That was so annoying.  They were so stupid about that. JUSTIN     About what? ABBY     Did you see the movie? JUSTIN     Well, no. ABBY     They could have easily blocked the hatch.  But they didn't and ended up fighting guys popping up out of it. BRIANNA     They couldn't block it - they tried.  There wasn't any heavy furniture. ABBY     [derisive laugh]  What do you call this? SOUND     DULL THUMP JUSTIN     A mattress. ABBY     Have you ever had to move one?  From a dead lift?  And if that's not enough, the trapdoor was right next to the tub - you just soak the damn thing and no one - not even Schwarzenegger-- BRIANNA     Well, back in his prime-- ABBY     Is going to be able to shift it. JUSTIN     You ...actually ...thought about this? ABBY     [matter of fact] It's what I do.  SOUND     KNOCKING BRIANNA     Lights out - it's the door.  SOUND     SCUFFLE OF MOVEMENT BRIANNA     Tyler? ABBY     Folemon! TYLER     [muffled] I return triumphant! SOUND     DOOR OPENS AND QUICKLY SHUTS AGAIN, LOCKS TYLER     And, I have a prize! SOUND     TAP ON SOMETHING METAL SOUND     LIGHT CLICKS ON JUSTIN     What the--? MARK     No, that's good.  If we can get to the authorities, we can prove we saw the damn thing. JUSTIN     You coulda taken a picture - you think they're not going to notice a missing license plate? TYLER     [chuckling, full of himself] I think they'll have other things on their mind. ABBY     Oh, god, what did you do? TYLER     I had my thieves tool handy-- JUSTIN     What? BRIANNA     Pocketknife. TYLER     So I hobbled their horses. ABBY     We need to go now. JUSTIN      You did what? BRIANNA     He let the air out of their tires.  Tyler, sweetie, speak English so I can stop translating. TYLER     Hey, what?  They won't be able to come after us-- ABBY     But they will know someone was spying on their truck.  They might not notice the plate, but--  aagh! TYLER     I was... um... in the zone?  My character would have-- MARK     Understandable.  Let's deal with it.  Were there any other cars out there? TYLER     Not out back.  MARK     Justin? JUSTIN     What? MARK     Any other cars out front? JUSTIN     I didn’t notice.  Sorry. MARK     See what happens when you give up gaming?  You lose your edge.  You remember anything Abby? ABBY     Not in the parking lot.  I can take a look. MARK     Hold off.  What do we have for weapons, if it comes to that? JUSTIN     Jack Shit. ABBY     Torchiere for a club.  BRIANNA     No - no heft. ABBY     We can wire the doorknob as a last resort - give someone a bitch of a shock. TYLER     Shh! [They all do.] SOUND     SLIGHT CRUNCH, MIGHT BE FOOT ON GRAVEL MARK     Posts. SOUND     VERY QUIET MOVEMENT ABBY     Uh-uh. BRIANNA     shit. MARK     The front? BRIANNA     Movement. ABBY     Window?  Door?  BRIANNA     Distraction.  [starts moaning, loudly - very sexy] ABBY     Stay out the way of the window.  BRIANNA     Uhh!  [whispered] Watching. [Up] Ohh! TYLER     [joins in] JUSTIN     You won't be able to hear-- ABBY     Neither will they! SOUND     WINDOW SLIDES OPEN WITH A PROTESTING SQUEAL ABBY     Shit.  If we're going out this way, we're doing it sharp and hard. MARK     Out front? TYLER     [still groaning] BRIANNA     Someone's right outside.  Ohh! Just a shadow.  Ohh!  Peeping or about to try something.  Ohh! JUSTIN     This is insane.  This does not happen in real life. MARK     Look, bro- you can play along, and worst that happens is you look like an idiot with the rest of us, or you keep saying it can't be real and maybe take a bullet.  Why not play along? JUSTIN      Shit.  What do you need me to do?  I am not joining that party. [Moans continue intermittently] MARK     Can you see what's at the top of the closet? Usually if there's access to an attic space, that's where it would be. JUSTIN     Sure. MARK     And you're tall enough. JUSTIN     No problem.  [suddenly serious] If this is some psycho situation, you know I won't let anyone get you, right, bro? MARK     Shithead.  Get everyone else out first!  I'm the burden - now get in the damn closet. SOUND     CLOSET DOOR OPENS ABBY     You're not a burden.  MARK     Physically, I'm a drag on the party. ABBY     Mentally, you're the only one keeping us together.  So you can just shut up. MARK     OK, shutting. BRIANNA     He's making a move. MARK     Shit.  SOUND     KNOCK ON THE DOOR BRIANNA     [loud] Ooh!  Oh, shit!  Huh? TYLER     [loud] What the fuck? MARK     Abby?  Where are we? ABBY     Tyler, get behind the door. Ready to slam it if you gotta. TYLER     Check. SOUND     KNOCK AGAIN ABBY     Brianna, the torchiere, stay below the window, trip anyone coming in. BRIANNA     On it. SOUND      KNOCKING INSISTENT ABBY     [trying to make up her mind] Door - wall - wall - door.  Shit! [deep breath, then calling out] What? SOUND     SHIFTING FURNITURE CLARK     You all right in there? ABBY     What? CLARK     I heard a noise. JUSTIN     [whispered] See?  Normal. ABBY     No.  At the very least, he's peeping.  No way he'd hear anything from the office.  [up]  Everything's fine.  We were watching a movie.  MARK     Good one. JUSTIN     Oh, this is idiotic. SOUND     WALKS, UNLOCKS AND FLINGS OPEN DOOR TYLER     Hey! ABBY     No! SOUND     GUNSHOT, BODY DROP JUSTIN     [screams in pain] SOUND     DOOR SLAMS CLARK     [screams in pain] ABBY     Bree, can you get the lock, without getting in front of the door - it's crap, but-- BRIANNA     Done.  Justin - is he--? SOUND     LOCK FUMBLED SHUT JUSTIN     [sounds more annoyed than hurt] I'm shot. ABBY     At least now we know it's not a drill.  SOUND     GUNSHOT, WINDOW SHATTERS ABBY     Down! SOUND     BODIES FALL, WHEELCHAIR RATTLES AND TIPS MARK     Get him.  I'll cover Justin. SOUND     CAUTIOUS STEP ON BROKEN GLASS ABBY     [scream, distracting him] SOUND     FEET TURN ON THE GLASS, GUNSHOT ABBY     Bree! BRIANNA     Yaaaah!  SOUND     THUMP - BODY DROPS CLARK     Yowtch! ABBY     Sit on that bastard.  Tyler, check for backup? SOUND     HEAVY CRUNCH ON GLASS CLARK     [Whimper] TYLER     On it. SOUND     CAR STARTING TYLER     Oh shit - he's in for a surprise.  Front's clear. JUSTIN     You seem to all be ignoring the fact that I've been shot. MARK     I've been applying pressure. JUSTIN     To my mouth. MARK     oh, yeah, I was supposed to be stopping the part that got shot, not the part that shot off, right. ABBY     Brianna, swap - you take a look at Justin, see if we can move him.  I'll hold down the ...fort. TYLER     Fart. [Snickers all around.] CLARK     [Moans, then grunts when Abby turns him over] SOUND     CRACKLE OF GLASS UNDER HIS BODY ABBY     Need something to tie him with.  TYLER     Gotcha.  Thieves tools to the rescue again. SOUND     RIPPING FABRIC - GOES ON FOR A WHILE BRIANNA     Tyler, toss me your flint and steel. SOUND     CATCH, THEN FLASHLIGHT COMES ON BRIANNA     Looks superficial.  I was hoping I knocked you down quickly enough, but I wasn't sure. JUSTIN     I've been shot. BRIANNA     Yes, but not badly.  I'll bandage it in a second. TYLER     Here's your fifty feet of rope... ABBY     Check the back? TYLER     I am fleet enough to be in all places at once. SOUND     ENGINE STOPS TYLER     Oh. ABBY     [grunts as she ties a knot]  OK, shithead.  Talk. CLARK     What? ABBY     Well, we have your gun.  And a pocketknife.  You want to choose which one I do you over with? CLARK     What?  I was just-- ABBY     Shooting in through our door? CLARK     I thought you were - TYLER     Shut up. ABBY     No, let him talk.  I want to hear this. CLARK     Nothing. ABBY     Oh, well.  How many friends you got out there? CLARK     None. ABBY     So that's Christine out back?  Or are you Knight Rider? CLARK     Ow!  No - No!  Stop! JUSTIN     Let me.  I'm the one he shot. CLARK     No!  There's just the two - and B-Ball's shot. ABBY     Anyone else? JUSTIN     Is this what you were doing? CLARK     OWWW!  No, no one! ABBY     What about the real clerk? CLARK     Oh - um - ABBY     Right.  We need to dump this guy somewhere. TYLER     Out back?  ABBY     Chances are, we can get out the front. JUSTIN     Chances?  I don't want-- ABBY     No worries.  Tyler - eyes on the back until I signal, OK? TYLER      Sure thing. BRIANNA     What now? ABBY     We do what we have to do.  Mark, you ready to take a chance? MUSIC SOUND     OUTSIDE - DOOR OPENS SOUND     WHEELCHAIR BUMPS NOISILY OUT THE DOOR ABBY     No shots.  Good.  We're moving out.  Justin, you're behind me and the chair - get your ass into the car and start it.  We'll pile in, peel out, and worry about belts and seats later. JUSTIN     Are you sure this is safe? ABBY     Nope.  Tyler?  Got the rear? TYLER     Got it. ABBY      Bree, you're first in.  I'll cover you. SOUND     GUN CLICKS READY BRIANNA     Check.  Hold tight! SOUND     WHEELCHAIR GRINDS ALONG THE GROUND TYLER     He's coming!  ABBY     Everyone - Move!  Justin - get it in gear! JUSTIN      Yeah... SOUND     JINGLE OF KEYS, THEY DROP TO THE GROUND JUSTIN     Shit! ABBY     Dammit!  Bree, get your ass to the other side of the car! SOUND     HEAVY FEET RUNNING ON GRAVEL TYLER     I'll-- SOUND     GUNSHOT ABBY     You'll go.  Move it.  I'll cover you.  [solemn] Don't fumble the keys. TYLER     I won't. SOUND     RUNNING FEET TAKE OFF ACROSS THE GRAVEL, snatch up the keys. SOUND     GUNSHOT ABBY     [Gasps as she shoots]  Damn, that's a kick. SOUND     GUNSHOT SOUND     CAR DOOR OPENS ABBY     Yessss! SOUND     ABBY SHOOTS SOUND     SIDE DOOR SLIDES OPEN ABBY     [yelling] Stop shooting at the crip, you scumbag!  You'll be sorry! SOUND     WHEELCHAIR MOVES SLOWLY, ODD FOOTSTEPS AS ABBY CROUCHES BEHIND IT ABBY     Nice to have friends, isn't it? SOUND     GUNSHOT ABBY     [yelling] You really should stop that!  THUG     [evil laugh] ABBY     I told him. TYLER     Come on! ABBY     Bye-bye SOUND     WHEELCHAIR PUSHED, ROLLS SOUND     GUNSHOT SOUND     GRUNT OF PAIN [CLARK] SOUND     RUNNING FEET SOUND     CAR REVVING SOUND     JUMP SOUND     GUNSHOT, PINGS OFF METAL OF CAR TYLER     [grunting to pull her in] Come on! SOUND     CAR MOVES, FEET DRAG BRIANNA     Here. SOUND     GRAB, DRAG ABBY     [grunting] SOUND     DOOR SLAMS SOUND     TIRES SPIN IN GRAVEL, CAR ZOOMS OFF ABBY     [sigh] OK, whose lap am I in? MARK     Mine.  Sorry about that. ABBY     Hey, we're all here, no one got shot-- JUSTIN     I did! MARK     And we had to dump my chair... ABBY     No one got killed, and we're back on the road.  I'm gonna feel like shit for the tourney, but who gives a crap?  [giggles] [All join in the hysterical relieved laughter.] MUSIC SOUND     OUTSIDE ROAD - MORNING NOISES ABBY     [waking up noises, suddenly awake with a gasp] MARK     [whispering]  Shh.  It's ok-- SOUND     RUSTLE AS SHE TRIES TO SIT UP ABBY     Was it - It was a dream? MARK     Hell no.  But once you passed out, we figured you deserved it.  Let you sleep. ABBY     Oh... MARK     Hey Justin?  When's the next bathroom? BRIANNA     And a phone. JUSTIN     Like anyone's gonna believe us.  BRIANNA     You did get shot. TYLER      And I still have my trophy. SOUND     PING AGAINST METAL OF LICENSE PLATE MARK     Shh.  Abby's out again.  ABBY     Hmm?  [rousing herself] Like hell!  Justin?  Crank the music!! END  

Thanks for your patience!  Winter is tough. ______________________________________________ This episode includes graphic violence, archiac psychiatric attitudes and terminology, gaslighting, and misogyny.  It was written intentionally to emulate the style of Italian "GIALLO" thriller films of the 1970s and 80s. ______________________________________________ Hot chicks in peril, black leather-gloved killer, faces through plate glass, badly-dubbed voices, and lots and lots of the red stuff! Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Dr. Silver - Anthony D.P. Mann Jessica - Julie Hoverson Adrienne - Robyn Keyes Dana - Kate Waterous Chris - Tanja Milojevic Inspector Gules - Glen Hallstrom Manager - Dru Williams Voice on Phone - Lord Blood-Rah Cop1 - Desmond Reddick (Dread Media) Cop2 - Miguel Guerreiro (FearShop.com) Coroner - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Detective - Caretaker (Graveyard Show) Music:  Professor Kliq Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it?  Why it's a psychiatrist's office, can't you tell?" ________________________________________   WHEN YELLOW CASTS A CRIMSON SHADOW Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Jessica Dr. Silver Dana Adrienne Chris Detective Gules Manager Voice Cop1 Cop2 Detective Coroner OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a psychiatrist's office, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND      LOW MUSIC PLAYS SOUND     DOOR OPENS JESSICA     Dr. Silver? SILVER Ah, you must be Jessica. Come in!  Come in.  Your father has spoken of you often. JESSICA     Mm.  He told me to come to you if I.... needed anything. SILVER Come in! Sit down!  I can't tactfully say I am pleased to see you, but I can heartily say I am most happy to make your acquaintance. JESSICA     Oh.  Yeah.  Thanks. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS QUIETLY, SHE CROSSES ROOM AND SITS SILVER There. Now tell me what I can do for you. JESSICA     Since I moved to Florence, I've - I've been doing really well.  Sleeping.  Even without the drugs. SILVER You haven't been taking your prescriptions? JESSICA     My doctor back home said I could cut back some - once I started feeling better. SILVER Your doctor--? JESSICA     Dr. Gelb.  Joan Gelb? SILVER Ah, yes, I am familiar with some of her work. Go on. JESSICA     Go... on? SILVER You had a reason for coming to me, didn't you? JESSICA     Oh!  Yes.  [very down] The dreams. SILVER [after a beat] Yes? JESSICA     Well, I came here to attend university.  And be closer to my father. SILVER He is not in the United States? JESSICA     No.  He's on diplomatic attachment in the Netherlands - [amused] but I don't understand any Dutch. SILVER [chuckles] JESSICA     So I found a room with three other girls from the college.  They're all models.  To pay for their classes.  Well, except Dana - she just models for fun...  Sorry.  That's probably not important.  SILVER Don't let it worry you. Go at your own pace. JESSICA     Can I have a piece of paper? SILVER You want to take notes? [teasing]  That's really my job. JESSICA     No, no!  It helps me concentrate.  Please? SOUND     PAPER RIPPED FROM NOTEBOOK, PASSED OVER JESSICA     Thank you. SOUND     PAPER FOLDED, TORN - UNDER THROUGHOUT JESSICA     So, Dana, Chris, and Adrienne - are all gorgeous.  I'm the mouse.  [heavy sigh] Don't get me wrong - they're all very nice. SILVER But you are a bit jealous? JESSICA     They've all got legs all the way up to their shoulders! SILVER [musing] A woman with legs up to her shoulders might be missing a heart. JESSICA     [startled, laughs, relaxes a bit]  I like that.  But, they're nice - really nice. SILVER You're lucky. Good friends are hard to find. JESSICA     Yes... [trails off, sighs, then absently]  The dream. SILVER Whenever you're ready. JESSICA     You're going to think I'm horrible! SILVER Nonsense. Dreams are primarily symbolic, and everyone dreams about things they are embarrassed by.  I promise not to judge you. JESSICA     [gulps, long breath] In the dream, I come home.  Our apartment is on the top floor, so I walk up and up the endless stairs.  It's the type that goes round and round an open space.  [her voice slowly picks up an echo, as if in a stairwell] You know, where you can look all the way down to the ground floor - as long as you don't have to worry about vertigo? SOUND [under]      FOOTSTEPS ECHOING UP THE STAIRWELL SILVER Mm. JESSICA     And the door was ... open. JESSICA [under] Hello? JESSICA     I pushed it the rest of the way, and went in.  And everything was red.  Red on the walls.  I couldn't understand.  All I could think was - did we repaint? SILVER Yes? JESSICA     And then I looked up and saw the light fixture.  It was red too.  Red and dripping.  [slowly] Slowly dripping. SILVER [after a pause] Is that when you woke? JESSICA     [hollow, numb] No.  [coming back]  Can I have another piece of paper?  I'll trade you. SILVER A crane? Very nice. JESSICA     It was... part of my therapy. SOUND     PAPER RIPS, PASSED OVER, MORE FOLDING BEGINS SILVER Still... very nice. JESSICA     Thanks.  [deep breath]  I went into the next room.  [half a chuckle]  Out of the foyer into the frying pan.  [lame laugh]  You must think I'm awful, to be able to joke at a time like this! SILVER No. Humor is a very common way to deal with painful circumstances.  Don't concern yourself with what I think. JESSICA     Adrienne was in the sitting room.  [trying not to choke up]  Dead.  She was - all cut up, and the mirror next to the kitchen door was smashed and bloody.  I could see my reflection in the shards ....sticking ...out of her ...eyes. JESSICA [tinny] [screams] SILVER [after a short moment] Was that where the dream ended? JESSICA     [trying to be chipper]  Yes.  Just that.  Just... seeing her dead. SILVER I'd... like to venture an interpretation of this dream that might help you... come to terms with it. JESSICA     Yes? SILVER It's a manifestation of a deep-seated jealousy. JESSICA     I'm not jealous! SILVER It's normal - don't worry. She's a beautiful model and you want to see yourself in her eyes as she appears to yours.  JESSICA     [brightening] Really?  But it was so bloody. SILVER Symbolism again. Red is the color of jealousy and passion.  Nothing more. MUSIC SOUND     HER FOOTSTEPS ECHO UP ENDLESS STAIRWAY SOUND     HEAVY FOOTSTEPS BELOW SOUND     HER FOOTSTEPS STOP SOUND     A COUPLE OF HEAVY FOOTSTEPS, APPROACHING SOUND     HER FOOTSTEPS, RUNNING UP THE STAIRS SOUND     SHE PAUSES AGAIN JESSICA     [heavy breathing, trying to be quiet and listen] SOUND     NO FOOTSTEPS SOUND     THUMPING SOUNDS APPROACH - SETS OF FOUR SOUND     TURNS OUT TO BE A BALL COMING DOWN THE STAIRS SOUND     SHE CATCHES THE BALL JESSICA     [sigh, chuckle] CHILD     [strangely bland] My ball! JESSICA     [gasp, almost a scream]  Oh!  [more normal] I've got it. SOUND     HER STEPS BEGIN AGAIN MUSIC SOUND     DOOR OPENS DANA     [lecturing] I only eat chocolate off a man. JESSICA     [gasp] CHRIS     Ha!  What a line to come in on!  Dana was just explaining her perfect diet plan. ADRIENNE     It makes perfect sense - work up a sweat, then have all the chocolate you want! JESSICA     You girls. DANA     Don't tell me you wouldn't, if you had a chance? JESSICA     Well... CHRIS     Maybe she doesn’t like chocolate! ADRIENNE     Maybe she doesn't like men. JESSICA     I like chocolate!  My father sent me some cocoa - the good Dutch kind. DANA     I'm surprised you like men any more, Adrienne, after all that bastard Alberto put you through. ADRIENNE     Don't get me started.  [beat]  You should really be allowed to shoot men when you're through with them.  CHRIS     I'd have a trail of bodies stretching to the sunset. JESSICA     Are there any more of those apples? DANA     Catch! SOUND      CATCHING AN APPLE CHRIS     What would we do when we run out of men? ADRIENNE     [bitter, haunted] Not all men, just the ones who want to track you down and torment you. DANA     He didn’t! CHRIS     Again? JESSICA     [bites into apple, then chewing]  What? DANA      You should tell her. ADRIENNE     It makes me sound like such a victim. DANA     Why do you think she never does bikini shots? CHRIS     She's moved three times in the past year - but he always finds her. DANA     She's got the scars to prove it. MUSIC SOUND     SOFT MUSIC PLAYS SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN, HURRIED FEET ENTER JESSICA     It  happened again! SILVER Calm down, Jessica. JESSICA     I'm - I'm so sorry to burst in here like this-- SILVER Sit down. JESSICA     But I - I can't concentrate on anything today-- SOUND     PAPER RIPPING FROM NOTEBOOK SILVER Here. Now sit. SOUND     SHE SNATCHES THE PAPER, FLAPS IT JESSICA     Thank you.  Are you sure it's ok? SILVER I've got plenty of paper. JESSICA     [chuckles] No, I mean-- [sighs] Thank you. SOUND     SHE SITS, BEGINS FOLDING JESSICA     I feel like such a fool. SILVER It obviously upset you. Sharing will make you feel better.  You had another dream? JESSICA     No!  That's the weird part - it was the same dream! SILVER The same? JESSICA     Well, it started the same.  Going up the stairs, and the blood on the light, and ... [almost a whisper] Adrienne. SILVER And...? JESSICA     It was all the same - except the ending.  SILVER How did it end, then? JESSICA     It didn't.  I mean - it went on, from where I woke up before.  SILVER Hmm. JESSICA     I was staring at myself in the mirror shards - but then I realized it wasn't me.  Not Jessica.  Not this time - that was different.  SILVER Who was in the reflection? JESSICA     I think it was.... the killer! [NOTE - now the voices in the consulting room are tinny, as the scene plays out underneath] SOUND     [repeat of Jessica's scream from the first dream, which trails off into a weird noise of breathing] SOUND     FOOTSTEPS WALK SLOWLY THROUGH SQUISHY BLOODY PUDDLE SILVER Be as specific as you want. You won't shock me.  You can give me every detail. JESSICA      I can smell the blood.  It's everywhere.  SILVER It's quite a distinctive smell. JESSICA      Yes. SOUND     DOOR PUSHED SLOWLY OPEN, FOOTSTEPS MOVE INTO DRY SPACE SOUND     SQUEAK AS KNIFE IS CLEANED OFF - LEATHER AGAINST METAL SOUND     FOUR TAPS OF KNIFE AGAINST WOOD JESSICA      It was Dana's room.  And she was sleeping. SILVER So this was nighttime? JESSICA      [slightly confused] I don't know.  Dana sleeps late.  SILVER Jessica - in the dream, are you Jessica, or are you the killer? JESSICA      I - I'm not sure.  I'm not... thinking in the dream, just seeing and feeling... and smelling.  I can't see a face - even in the mirrors - I just knew it was the killer looking back at me, but I couldn't tell you what he...I...looked like. SILVER [too interested] What are you wearing? JESSICA      Boots.  Black.  Leather gloves.  I move toward Dana's bed... SOUND     CREAK OF THE LEATHER GLOVES SILVER Do you stab her too? JESSICA      [offhand] Oh, Adrienne wasn't stabbed - at least... that wasn't how she died.  She was strangled.  SOUND     CREAK OF LEATHER DANA     [gasps, awakens, tries to breathe] SOUND     CLAWING AT LEATHER, SHAKING OF BED, POUNDING SILVER And then she died? JESSICA      Oh, no.  That would be too quick.  I let up just in time - she's out. SILVER [licks his lips] Do you tie her up? JESSICA      Yes.  I tie her to the bed frame.  Up and down. SILVER What is she wearing? JESSICA      A scarlet negligee.  She got it after one of her modeling shoots - the picture is on the wall over the bed.  Huge.  Her.  Posed in red.  Enticing. SOUND     [tinny] CRUMPLE OF PAPER SILVER And then...? JESSICA      [coming out of it]  I-I- can I have another piece of paper? SILVER [breathing a bit heavily, trying to calm down] Of course. SOUND     PAPER TORN RATHER CLUMSILY OUT OF NOTEBOOK - RIPS IN HALF SILVER Damn. What will you make? SOUND     TEARS ANOTHER PIECE, SHE SNATCHES IT AWAY FROM HIM, BEGINS FOLDING JESSICA      A box.  I feel like I'm in a box. SILVER Perhaps you should make something more... open. Something you can get out of. JESSICA      Maybe next time. SILVER All right. Was there more to the dream? JESSICA      A little.  After Dana woke up.  SILVER [trying to hide his excitement] What happened? JESSICA      [evasive] I just... killed her. MUSIC ESCALATES SOUND     STABBING - SETS OF FOUR DANA     [Screaming, begging, gurgling] SOUND     SPLATTER DANA     [gurgling] SOUND     A COUPLE MORE KNIFE STABS DANA     [death rattle] SOUND     DRIPPING SOUND     WIPING KNIFE WITH GLOVES AGAIN MUSIC SOUND     FOOTSTEPS IN STAIRWELL, STOP FOR A SECOND SOUND     FAR AWAY, DOOR OPENS JESSICA     [sigh] SOUND     TWO STEPS SOUND     DOOR NEARBY SLAMS OPEN SOUND     FEROCIOUS DOG!!!!! JESSICA     [screams, then smothers it] SOUND     SCRABBLING OF DOG NAILS ON TILE FLOOR JESSICA     Mrs. Amarelo!  Mrs. Amarelo!  Please! MUSIC SOUND     TEAPOT WHISTLING, TAKEN OFF, WATER POURS JESSICA     [talking loudly to someone in another room] She really needs to keep that dog on a shorter leash.  She's lucky I didn't jump back and fall down the stairs. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, SLIPPERED FEET IN DANA     [half awake]  Mm.  Coffee? JESSICA     [silly!] Cocoa.  [gasp] Oh! DANA     You don't like it?  It's imported French lace. JESSICA     I'm just not used to-- DANA     And red is such a good color on me. ADRIENNE     [calling from the other room] --she's just shy. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS COME IN ADRIENNE     [close] Haven't you ever wondered, Jessica? JESSICA     [disturbed]  Wondered... what? SOUND     A COUPLE OF STEPS DANA     Mmm? ADRIENNE     What it would be like with a woman? JESSICA     [disturbed] Um - no.  Uh, I don't even know anyone who does-- ADRIENNE     Anyone who you KNOW does, anyway. JESSICA     Um... I guess. SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN CHRIS     [freaking out, out of breath] Oh, god!  SOUND     DOOR SLAMS SHUT, BODY THUMPS AGAINST IT ADRIENNE     What's wrong?  Sit down! SOUND     DOOR LOCKS JESSICA     Cocoa? CHRIS     Thanks!  [sips, then shudders in a breath] ADRIENNE     What happened? CHRIS     [gasping it out] On the street.  A gun! It was so loud!  DANA     Someone was shot?  I'm phoning the police. ADRIENNE     Give her a minute!  She's nearly hysterical! CHRIS     No!  No!  Call them!  The sooner I tell, the sooner he'll be caught! JESSICA     Did you see the guy? CHRIS     Uh-huh! [yes] MUSIC SOUND     LOW MUSIC PLAYS SOUND     PAPER FOLDING JESSICA     I have this awful feeling-- SILVER Yes? JESSICA     That this is all... some kind of premonition. SILVER You think you're seeing something that might happen in the future? JESSICA     It would make so much sense. SILVER Is there anything in the dream that makes you think it will happen? JESSICA     Like what? SILVER Something with the date? A newspaper, perhaps? JESSICA     [concentrating]  Mmm, no.  None of us really reads the papers.  Magazines, yes, but they don't come out that often.  [beat] And they all kind of look the same. SILVER Have you ever had a dream - any dream - come true in the past? JESSICA     What?  [half a chuckle] No! SILVER Then I think you are safe. [teasing, fatherly] But make sure to lock your door. JESSICA     [laughs a bit] SILVER [getting back on track] So. The dream came back.  Again. JESSICA     [quiet, sad] Yes. SILVER And it was--? JESSICA     Longer. SILVER [avid] So once again, you saw your first two friends strangled and tortured and-- [swallows] mutilated. JESSICA     Yes.  SILVER And then? What about your third friend - what was her name? JESSICA     Chris.  [numb]  Chris was in the hall.  She must have heard the commotion with Dana.  I... feel like the killer was - ummmm - surprised.  Like he didn't expect her to be there. SILVER Why do you say that? JESSICA     I don't know.  Just that he - I - had to chase her down. SILVER Be specific. JESSICA     I came out of Dana's bedroom-- [office voices go tinny] SOUND     SQUISHING FOOTSTEPS, WIPE FEET AND STEP ONTO TILE SOUND     DOOR OPENS CHRIS     Dana?  What?  Oh, god!  [screams] JESSICA     I hesitate, stunned.  Just long enough for her to run back into her room. SOUND     DOOR SLAMS SOUND     HEAVY FEET RUN, SLAM INTO DOOR CHRIS     [muffled] No!  No! SOUND     SLAM INTO DOOR, WOOD CREAKS AND CRACKS JESSICA     There's such a - a rush as the door gives way. SILVER Where is Chris? JESSICA     She's pressed again the window, outlined in light from the pink and red neon across the street. SILVER Ahhhh. What is she wearing? JESSICA     Silk.  A blue slip-- SILVER Blue? Are you sure? JESSICA     Yes.  Why? SILVER The neon light - it might be deceptive. JESSICA     I saw it in the hall. SILVER Ahhh. What color is her hair?  JESSICA     Chris?  She has long straight blonde hair.  SILVER And very pretty. JESSICA     Yes. SILVER Mmmmm. SOUND     WINDOW SLAMS OPEN JESSICA     I raise the knife and she screams again, trying to climb out the window. SILVER Can she? JESSICA     We're six stories up.  That's why there's all those stairs. SILVER Do you... cut her? JESSICA     Better.  I set the knife aside again-- SOUND     LEATHER ON METAL JESSICA      --and take her by the throat.  The black leather of the gloves looks strange in the neon pink glow - especially against her pale white throat. SILVER Does she struggle? JESSICA     Like a fiend.  She strikes and kicks, but it is all in vain.  [coming out of it] The killer must be a man. SILVER [startled out] Um? Of course--  Um, [swallows, clears throat] The um - the killer in the dream. JESSICA     That's what I meant. SILVER Right. More paper? SOUND     RIPS PAPER OUT OF NOTEBOOK JESSICA     Thanks. SOUND     TAKES IT, STARTS FOLDING SILVER You've made me quite a little collection here. What’s this one? JESSICA     A knife.  SILVER [amused] A paper knife. And this? JESSICA     A shrew. SILVER No more cranes? JESSICA     Cranes are peaceful.  I haven't been feeling very... peaceful. SILVER Do you want to continue? JESSICA     Don't you have another appointment? SILVER No. Your case is fascinating, so I cleared some extra time for you. JESSICA     Oh.  All right. SILVER At least follow the dream to the conclusion. JESSICA     Where was I? SILVER [too quick] You were strangling Chris. SOUND     STRANGLING NOISES UP AGAIN SOUND     HAND POUNDING AGAINST GLASS [voices go tinny again] JESSICA     Right.  Then she passed out. SOUND     STRUGGLE STOPS, SQUEAK OF HAND SLIDING DOWN PANE SILVER Gooood. SOUND     ROPE PASSING THROUGH HANDS SILVER And--? JESSICA     I took the cord from the blinds and wrapped it around her neck. SILVER Strangling her? Again?  Why? JESSICA     It wasn't tied that tight. SILVER Then, what? JESSICA     Then I cut her a little.  Not deep.  Just enough to see red - just enough for the blood to flow.  Shoulders.  Thighs.  Chest.  It took a long time for her to wake up again. SILVER Did you cut her blue slip off? JESSICA     It's not blue any more.  Now it's wet and dark in strange rivulet patterns.  So is the floor. SILVER And then? JESSICA     Her eyes open - and once again I see my own reflection twice in one face.  And this time I can almost make out who I am.  If it weren't for that darn pink neon, I might be able to. SILVER Does SHE recognize you? JESSICA     [dismissively] Maybe.  She tries to scream.  But I already gagged her.  [little sigh]  She was asleep a long time. SILVER Uh-huh? JESSICA     I pull her up by her hair - her long blonde lovely hair.  The word "tresses" pops into my mind. SILVER Tresses. That's a good word. JESSICA     She squirms and tries to escape.  Her eyes plead with me.  But I don't waver.  I show her the knife and she closes her eyes.  I run the hilt of the knife over her forehead and she squeals - when really all I want to do is press her eyelids open. SILVER She can't understand that, can she? JESSICA     I just want her to see.  She was always a big one for seeing things. SILVER See what? JESSICA     The window. SILVER Is there something outside? JESSICA     Not yet. SILVER Oh? JESSICA     As soon as her eyelids flutter open, I turn her toward the window and slam her face into it, shattering the glass.  Something breaks in her, too, and I hear her muffled agony. SILVER Her nose? JESSICA     I don't know, since as soon as the glass is gone, I push her out. SILVER On the cord? JESSICA     She dances so prettily.  SILVER Do the people outside see? JESSICA     No, the music from the club with the neon is very loud, and no one ever looks up. SILVER What about the blood? JESSICA     I don’t know.  I woke up. SILVER [breathing heavily, calming down] JESSICA     What do you think? SILVER We definitely have some work to do. You'll see me each afternoon for a while - can you promise me you will? JESSICA     Of course, if you think it's important. SILVER Very. And here is my home number-- SOUND     SCRIBBLING ON A CARD SILVER --In case anything else comes to mind. JESSICA     You're sure you don't mind if I call you? SILVER No. Of course not.  In fact, I insist.  I am here for you. MUSIC AMB     STREET, NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE AROUND SOUND     JESSICA'S STEPS, HURRYING SOUND     A STRANGE TAPPING NOISE - SETS OF FOUR - GETTING CLOSER SOUNDS     SHE SPEEDS UP SOUND     THE TAPPING GETS CLOSER SOUND     SHE SPEEDS UP MORE JESSICA     [gasping] SOUND     GRAB AND FLING OPEN DOOR SOUND     FEET RUN INTO BUILDING SOUND     DOOR SLAMS SHUT JESSICA     [breathing heavily]  SOUND     TAPS GO PAST OUTSIDE JESSICA     [sighs, almost laughs] MANAGER     [off slightly] Scotomaphobia? JESSICA     [gasps] SOUND     THUMP AS SHE RECOILS JESSICA     What?  Mr. Cramoisie?  You - you startled me! SOUND     CIGARETTE CRUSHED OUT MANAGER     The fear of going blind. JESSICA     Huh? Me? MANAGER     I saw you run from the white stick.  [chuckles] And I don't know a word for fear of a blind man. MUSIC SOUND     DOOR OPENS TENTATIVELY JESSICA     [clearly worried] Hello? ADRIENNE     Jess?  Is there something wrong? JESSICA     [sigh of relief]  No.  Nothing.  Glad to be home. SOUNDS     STEPS COME IN, DOOR SHUTS SOUND     REMOVING COAT, ETC. DANA     I was just putting on some tea - want some? JESSICA     No, thanks.  Save me some water, though? ADRIENNE     You and your cocoa.  Come in here - we’ve got company. SOUND     A FEW SLOW STEPS JESSICA     Oh?  Hello. GULES     Ah.  This must be your other roommate.  Very pleased.  Four such lovely ladies, [slightly ominous] all alone. CHRIS     This is Detective Gules.  That is Jessica.  Sit down Jessie.  JESSICA     Detective? SOUND     CHAIR CREAKS AS SHE SITS CHRIS     He's investigating - um - [whispered] what I saw yesterday. GULES     We suspect the murder she witnessed was gangster-related, and are concerned for her safety.  Your safety, too.  This isn't a very secure building.  You don't even have grilles on the windows. DANA     Pssht!  We're six floors up!  Who needs grilles!  Here, Jess.  Water-- SOUND     MUG SET DOWN DANA     And your precious cocoa. SOUND     TIN SOUND     SPOON DROPPED INTO MUG DANA     [to the room, teasing] I wouldn't dare measure it for you. JESSICA     [laughs]  That's perfect, Dana, thanks.  SOUND     MIXES UP THE COCOA GULES     I'm trying to convince Chris to let me take her into protection.  [getting darker] We want to make sure she stays where we can put our hands on her. MUSIC SOUND     PHONE PICKED UP JESSICA     Hello?  VOICE     [harsh whisper]  Four girls.  Could be three.  Or one. JESSICA     Who is this?  You're scaring me. VOICE     Will it be you? JESSICA     I'm hanging up now! SOUND     PHONE SLAMMED DOWN DANA     [worried] Jess?  Who was that? JESSICA     A heavy breather.  You know the type. DANA     I didn’t even hear the phone ring. JESSICA     Oh?  Umm... I must have picked it up just as it was starting.  Who did you think it was? DANA     Oh, Michel.  My brother.  He's been asking for money again.  JESSICA     What's wrong this time? DANA     Same old shit.  Someone's going to break his legs.  Someone's going to kill his dog.  [disgusted noise]  He ran through his half of the inheritance years ago. JESSICA     And you don't feel sorry for him? DANA     I felt one hundred thousand dollars sorry for him, and that was in the first month after he flushed all his cash down one toilet and another.  Since then.  [shrug]  Not so damn sorry. MUSIC SOUND     SNORING [Dr. Silver] SOUND     PHONE RINGS SOUND     PHONE PICKED UP SILVER [not awake] mmm Hello? JESSICA     [on phone, hysterical] Doctor?  Please?  Something terrible has happened! SILVER [snapping awake, but still groggy] Jessica? Wha-what's going on? JESSICA     [on phone] You have to come, Doctor!  I need help!  [backs off and screams] SOUND     [on phone] PHONE DROPS, THUMPS A FEW TIMES. SOUND     BED CLOTHES FLUNG OFF MUSIC SOUND     DOC'S FEET COMING UP THE STAIRS, QUICKLY SILVER [reading door numbers] 601... 602...? JESSICA     [moan]  SILVER Jessica? What has happened? JESSICA     D-doctor?  SILVER Come out here. My god - what--? JESSICA     A nosebleed.  I - I get them sometimes. SILVER With the dreams? JESSICA     Uh-huh. SILVER Why are you out here in the hall? JESSICA     I didn’t want to wake anyone. SILVER They're your friends. They will surely understand.  Let's go inside.  [suave] Maybe have some of your famous cocoa? JESSICA     [small laugh]  That would be nice. SILVER Invite me in? SOUND     DOOR OPENS JESSICA     You're invited. SOUND     A COUPLE OF STEPS, A SLIGHT SQUISH SILVER [slight shock] What? MUSIC JESSICA     [sips, then] The dream was sooo bad this time. SILVER [grunt] JESSICA     Then I found these-- SOUND     SLAP OF LEATHER GLOVES JESSICA     And suddenly everything started to be so real.  But it can't be, can it? SILVER [grunt] JESSICA     I hoped I would wake up, and the gloves would be gone, but here they are. SOUND     GLOVES CREAK SILVER [agreeing grunt] JESSICA     It's really good isn't it?  Is it too hot for you? SILVER [slight overreaction negative grunt] JESSICA     My father sent it.  From the Netherlands.  He's always somewhere else.  I mean somewhere else from where I am, anyway.  Did I tell you how my mother died? SILVER [negative] JESSICA     She committed suicide when I was 5.  I found her.  Dr. Gelb says that's why I can't sleep.  She says I can never forget my mother's dead eyes.   SILVER Hmm? JESSICA     They looked at me, but they weren't really her any more, you know? SILVER Hmm. JESSICA     [briskly] But this is all beside the point.  I'm so glad the girls are heavy sleepers.  So we can talk. SILVER Mm-hmm. JESSICA     [very important]  I finally saw myself in the dream. SILVER Mmm? JESSICA     I mean, I, in the killer's eyes, saw me - Jessica.  Do you know how frightening that could be?  The idea that I could not only watch myself be butchered, but that I would somehow be behind the eyes of the one doing it? SILVER [sigh] JESSICA     [sips]  SOUND     SETS DOWN CUP, PICKS UP PIECE OF PAPER, STARTS FOLDING JESSICA     Somehow, when I have a piece of paper in my hands, the dream fades into something that might have been on the television. SILVER Hmm. JESSICA     [beat, then] Once Chris was dead, the killer must have pulled her back in.  She was on the bed, starred with glass in the dark.  Pink stars, catching the neon. SILVER Mmm. JESSICA     I watch his black gloved hand push open my own bedroom door.  I'm lying on the bed, tossing in my sleep.  SILVER Umm. JESSICA     The knife in my - his - hand leads me to the bed.  To the woman.  To me. SILVER Umm? JESSICA     [agreeing] I know.  SOUND     [off slightly]  DOOR SLAMS OPEN JESSICA     What? COP1     [off] Oh my god! COP2     [off] [trying not to hurl] SOUND     HER SQUISHY, STICKY BARE FOOTSTEPS JESSICA     [way too calm, calling]  Chris?  Did you call for the police?  [to the police] You should have knocked. COP1     What the hell?  What... the ... hell! COP2     Is all that...blood? JESSICA     What?  Oh, the nosebleed.  Sorry, I should have changed into something fresh.  Would you like some cocoa? COP1     [calling back over his shoulder] Watch where you step! MUSIC     SOUND     GURNEY AFTER GURNEY BEING WHEELED OUT BEHIND THEM SOUND     DOG BARKING DOWN THE HALL, KEEPS GOING COP1     It's bad, sir. COP2     You might want some shoe covers. DETECTIVE     Who could have done such an awful thing? COP2     Someone crazy.  Truly out of his mind. DETECTIVE     Or her mind. COP1     Do you have any reason to suspect a woman? DETECTIVE     [shrug] I suspect everyone.  How many bodies? CORONER     Four bodies.  And one clinging to life. DETECTIVE     And the smell? CORONER     Rotting flesh.  [long sniff]  Been lying here several days, if I don't miss my guess.  MUSIC end

once more, we return to the world of zombies.... Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson [warning - foul language] ******************************************************************* Tammuz Corporation has barely settled back in as top producer of undead workforce, when something much worse comes out of R&D.   Cast List Fred - Leonard Streeper June - Melissa Bartell Dill - Mark Olson Chambers - Dave Marshall Dr. Plasmus - Kim Poole Landon Frost - Chris Barnes Pamela Frost - Julie Hoverson Doctor - James Sedgwick Nurse - Rachel Cavic Interviewer - Russell Gold Music by Kevin MacLeod of Incompetech.com Cover art by Julie Hoverson INTERLUDES: Cricket - Reynaud LeBoeuf, Julie Hoverson, M. Siero Garcia, Katy Fontenot Courtroom - Carl Cubbedge, Tanja Milojevic Champion Chum - Katy Fontenot, Rachel Cavic, Reynaud LeBoeuf Save the Zombies - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard New Year's Head Swaps - Justin Charles, Crystal Dennis Life Insurance - Joe Stofko Big Bob's - Richard Summers Lecturer - Robert Cudmore Classroom - Janny Hilverts, Katy Fontenot, Sirena Carroll, Mike Campbell, James Sedgwick, Julie Hoverson Zombie Show - Gareth Bowley Survivalists - Dave Fontenot, Matthew McLean "Working Stiff" - Chris Stockett Edna's Chum - M. Siero Garcia Scam - Rick Lewis Zombie Lib - Derek Koch Old Zombie Spice - Morgan Brown "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a secret lab, deep in the Tammuz Corporation, can't you tell?" ***************************************************************************************   Project Top Hat Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Landon Frost, TV show host Pamela Frost, his wife Fred and June Doctor Plasmus, top researcher Chambers - executive Dill - less important executive OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a Top Secret Lab, on the human side of the wall, in the world of zombies, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND      computer and lab noises LANDON     [on TV] I'm Landon Frost, and tonight on "the Z word," we'll take a behind the scenes look at how zombies are used in the manufacture of your dog's kibble.  FRED     How can they feed zombies to dogs? JUNE     Ambulates make the food - prepare it.  It's illegal to terminate them without "just cause." FRED     As opposed to "just cuz"?  [laughs] JUNE     Hah.  That's what "the Z word" is about - exposing the ways zombies are exploited. LANDON     [TV] You'll be watching this series throughout the holidays, and I'll be tucked up at home with my family.  JUNE     He's always busy.  Hardly ever gets to see them. FRED     Oh, boo-hoo.  This Frost guy gets to fly all over the world, cussing on TV, and making zillions of dollars, and he wants sympathy? JUNE     Don't forget taking his shirt off...  [chuckle]  But he's also a romantic - always talking about how he misses his wife Pamela. FRED     So?  He could retire. JUNE     Helping improve "life" for ambulates is like a crusade for him. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, CUTTING HER OFF FRED     [muttered exclamation] Oh shit! SOUND     CHAIR SQUEAK, SCRAMBLE LANDON     [TV] I'll be meeting my wife in secret at‑‑ SOUND     SWITCH, TV OFF DILL     [coming in talking]  We should be able to improve the bottom line. CHAMBERS     AND not expose Tammuz to any more... liability.  We are just starting to get back to where we were before Mrs. Skray's... DILL     Unfortunate accident? CHAMBERS     [grim] Breakdown. DILL     Ah. CHAMBERS     I need your personal guarantee this won't come back to bite us in the butt. DILL     If it does, my butt will have your back. CHAMBERS     What? DILL     uh... nothing.  Dr. Plasmus is expecting us. CHAMBERS     Plasmus?  What kind of a name is that? DILL     Dunno.  I only know results, and the good doctor facilitated the "crickets".  Look what they've done to help us get back in good odor over the last 18 months. CHAMBERS     [favorably impressed] MMmm. DILL     And now - [announcing] Project Top Hat! SOUND     DOOR OPENS SOUND     MUSIC SCENE CHANGE TV DUDE     [ON TV]  Do you ever have behavior problems with your ambulates? ZOMBIE     Grr. OLD LADY     [pleased] Cricket! TV DUDE     Do they sometimes seem to have a mind of their own? ZOMBIE2     [weird noise] MAN     [smug] Cricket. TV DUDE     Would you ever have them in the house without it? WOMAN     Around my kids?  Forget it! KIDS     Just CRICKET! TV DUDE     Yes, Cricket, the "behavioral reminder" Implant that reminds zombies to toe the line.  TV DUDE      [quiet, rushed]  Results may vary.  Some side effects may occur.  No guarantee of bodily safety is implied or express in the sale of this product.  Not available in all areas.  [up]  Get Cricket today!  Brought to you by your friends at Tammuz Corporation. SOUND     MUSIC SOUND     WALKING, DOOR SWOOSHES OPEN SOUND     ZAPS and SQUISHY NOISES PLASMUS     You're early. DILL     Uh, no.  It's - um - six? PLASMUS     It is?  Hmm.  Well, just let me finish this, and-- SOUND     BIG ZAP CHAMBERS     What are you working on? PLASMUS     Shh! DILL     [hushed] Sorry, the doc doesn’t multitask.  CHAMBERS     What? SOUND     ONE FINAL ZAP PLASMUS     Done.  He means I do not work and talk.  When you have worked directly in as many brains as I have, you begin to value each function for its own worth, and not merely as a gestalt whole. CHAMBERS     Uh, right.  So are you ready to gestalted [get started] now? DILL     Gestalt isn't-- CHAMBERS     I KNOW. PLASMUS     It was a bit of a joke?  [small dry chuckle]  Am I right? CHAMBERS     Yeah. PLASMUS     I thought as much.  I fear that the humor seat of my own brain has probably been left a wee bit underdeveloped.  Oh well.  Could be MUCH worse.  I could have an atrophied hippocampus!  [laughs riotously] DILL     Uh, yeah.  [toady laugh] CHAMBERS     That would be unfortunate, indeed. PLASMUS     [stops laughing suddenly]  But you are not here for pleasantries.  You are here to see what I have wrought! CHAMBERS     Aha!  So that's the smell in here. PLASMUS     What? CHAMBERS     Rot? PLASMUS     [laughs] MUSIC      SCENE CHANGE to TV LANDON     What the fuck do you think you're doing?  You can't have rats in any ambulate work area, you moronic lavat'ry brush!  They may not decay, but can still be damaged - do you want to be the one providing your workforce with replacement parts every time rats gnaw a bit off?  Or perhaps rats are the only protein going in to your fucking kibble?  SOUND     MUSIC DILL     So now the doctor will demonstrate--? [hint] PLASMUS     Have you forgotten the name again? DILL     [uncomfortable] No.  no, I just was giving you a chance to - you know - take the glory. PLASMUS     You should have warned me.  [sigh]  It is project top hat for a very simple reason-- SOUND     METAL CLANK CHAMBERS     It looks like a top hat.  Original.  DILL     And what does it do...?  [hinting] PLASMUS     Stop doing that.  DILL     Sorry. PLASMUS     [launching into lecture mode] The ambulate workforce is sturdy, capable - albeit slow - and cheap, since all they require is chum, unlike human workers who not only need food, shelter, sleep, etc., but also WANT things. DILL     [muttered] Zombies want things too.  That's part of the problem. PLASMUS     Shush.  It is this volition which is the only real drawback to the use of ambulates for many sorts of work - and which gives rise to the various debates over ambulate sentience, and to use an inexact phrase - over their "personhood". CHAMBERS     None of this is news. PLASMUS     I am setting it up.  So if there was a way to mix the useful qualities of the ambulate with the mindless diligence of, say, a computer, wouldn’t that improve their value? CHAMBERS     [interested] Yessss.... DILL     Of course. PLASMUS     So this mechanism will do that - replacing the corpse's brain with a limited function computer, only able to obey commands. CHAMBERS     You specify "Corpse"? PLASMUS     [pleased] Ah, you caught that.  [chuckles] Much like the pre-edict abortion debates, this idealization of ambulates leads to the nasty question of when, precisely, one goes from human, to dead human, to ambulate.  DILL     You've seen the courtroom reality shows. MUSIC COURT REPORT     We'll catch the plaintiff as she leaves.  Missus Feinman,  Missus Feinman?  How do you feel about the jury's ruling? MISSUS     Act of god, my eye!  My husband had a very clear "do not reanimate" clause in his will - but that doctor failed to catch him at the exact moment to remove the head and prevent reanimation, and now he's stuck.  MISTER     [zombie moan] MISSUS     I can't even have him decently put down, what with the iffy legal status of zombies.  [sniffles] COURT REPORT     [bland] You have our sympathy, I'm sure.  In just a moment, we'll speak to the doctor and his attorney. MUSIC PLASMUS     So we must catch them in that window - that tiny "between states" period when we can still legally treat them as objects.  CHAMBERS     And--? PLASMUS     Remove the head.  Once the head is gone, the body may yet convert, but does not move, as it has little sensory input to motivate it. CHAMBERS     You remove the head?  [Slowly gets it] And then you do - oh - ohhhh.  The Top Hat. PLASMUS     I see you are a quick thinker, Mr. Senior executive.  Yes.  The unit replaces the so-called "mind", by which we truly mean the physical brain, giving the animated carcass sensory input, all the while leaving complete control with the human controller.  CHAMBERS     Can the body re-animate, without the head? PLASMUS     Do you know how the ambi-twist works? CHAMBERS     The what? DILL     [muttered] The T virus. PLASMUS     No, no!  That is a trademarked name and cannot be used without possible reprisal!  DILL     Sorry!  That's what most people [call it]. PLASMUS     I don't want to hear it!  Besides, the ambi-twist does not make ravenous beasts.  Animates are gentle.  Like kittens. MUSIC COMMERCIAL AMB     GROCERY SHOPPING SUSY     Gee, mommy, Rolf pushes the cart real well, don't he? MOMMY     That reminds me!  We need to pick up some chum! ROLF     [eager zombie noise] SUSY     He knows THAT word! ANNOUNCER     Of course he does, but can he tell the difference between Champion Chum and the bargain brand? MOMMY     Is there a difference? ANNOUNCER     Just ask Rolf! ROLF     [sticky zombie eating noises] SUSY     [laughing] Oh Rolf! ANNOUNCER     Every zombie, every day, chooses Champion brand chum! MUSIC CHAMBERS     They're tame enough with the cricket.  If they were naturally docile, we wouldn't need it. PLASMUS     And with the top hat, there will be no need for the cricket.  Let me show you. SOUND     CAGE OPENS CHAMBERS     [horrified reaction] Oh! DILL     ugh [bland] PLASMUS     This stray dog was humanely euthanized, and the top hat was immediately attached-- SOUND     COMPUTERIZED BARK PLASMUS     We had to use a fairly large dog, so the top hat unit wouldn't overbalance it.  It was designed for a human frame-- SOUND     COMMOTION OUTSIDE PLASMUS     What is this? SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN JACKIE     All of you!  Over by the wall!  [to june and fred] Get in there! FRED     Right, of course. JUNE     Excuse me.  Just - um - going through. CHAMBERS     Who the devil are you? JACKIE     I'm the one with the gun!  And I said over by the wall! DILL     She means it.  Move it!  Move it move it move it.... PLASMUS     But the dog-- SOUND     COMPUTERIZED BARK SOUND     GUN SHOT INTO CEILING JACKIE     And don't get any funny ideas.  I'm not alone. CHAMBERS     [reasonable and placating]  Tell us what you want. JACKIE     [almost a yell] I want you all over by that wall! SOUND     COMPUTERIZED BARK DILL     Already here! JUNE     Me too! PLASMUS     Allow me to-- [take the dog] JACKIE      Leave that poor thing! SOUND     COMPUTERIZED BARK JACKIE     That is exactly the kind of horrid monster we're here to put an end to. PLASMUS     Ah.  Activists.  [chuckling] CHAMBERS     Don't mock the woman with the gun! PLASMUS     Oh.  Of course. JACKIE     And what's behind here? PLASMUS     No! Don't!  It's not ready yet! CHAMBERS     What IS it? SOUND     CURTAIN OPENS JACKIE     Mother of god! MUSIC     SCENE CHANGE, AND then WUSSY POPSTAR     I know all of you have heard and most of you have enjoyed my hit single "walking away with my heart" about the plight of the ambulate.  ZOMBIE     [pathetic moan] POPSTAR     Too many of these poor once-human creatures are abused, neglected, and sometimes even abandoned to fend for themselves - forced to sell their bodies, bit by horrible bit, for the chum they need to survive.  Can’t you spare just a little - the price of a cup of coffee - to help? MUSIC CHAMBERS     Just tell us your demands, and let's get on with this. JACKIE     [horrified]  What have you done to this man? PLASMUS     It is not a man.  It is a corpse. JACKIE     It's moving. PLASMUS     There's no one there.  As you can see, the computer has taken the place of its entire head, thus removing all chance of-- CHAMBERS     [hissed, annoyed] You didn't say you'd already done this to a human - [correcting himself] a human corpse, that is. PLASMUS      I simply hadn't got to that part of the presentation, yet. JACKIE     [distracted and horrified] But why? FRED     Hi-YAH! SOUND     THUMP, SCUFFLE DILL     Wow.  SOUND     GUN GOES OFF DILL     Stay back! JUNE     [indecisive but encouraging] Get her, Fred! SOUND     SCUFFLE ENDS FRED     Got her. PLASMUS     Can I have her as a specimen? JACKIE     You can't do that to me! PLASMUS     Of course we could.  We simply record that you died in an attack on our security, and your corpse will be ...recycled. JACKIE     NO! CHAMBERS     That's a bit much, isn't it? PLASMUS     [quiet] Drat.  [up] Heh-heh.  Of course.  Just a bit of - intimidation.  Hah.  Hah. DILL     Right. PLASMUS     What this young lady doesn't seem to understand is that there are many people who don't wish to return as a shambling, slow, and stupid ambulate.  Many would rather know that their mind - their "soul" - had been allowed to pass on. JACKIE     How the hell do you think you're doing that? PLASMUS     Cutting off the head.  The body is still useful - as you can see.  It can be of service to the living. JACKIE     The soul isn’t in the brain.  The soul is - the soul.  It will stay around no matter what. PLASMUS     [derisive laugh] MUSIC SOUND     PARTY! BRANDON     And we're here on the dead side with the new years crowd!  They start a week early, since they know it'll take 'em that long to arrive!  Whoo!  ARIA     And the hottest thing this year is head swaps!  BRANDON     [prompting, not really questioning] Head swaps, Aria? ARIA     That's right, Brandon!  You know how zombies can cut off and attach body parts?  They recently discovered that they can swap heads!  They say it's totally the ultimate! BRANDON     Unless they sew it on backwards!  Man, that would be a pain in the ass! ARIA     Yeah, but at least you could see your ass! BOTH     [LAUGH] MUSIC CHAMBERS     Where's security when you need them? JUNE     I just called them, sir.  Apparently, they've had a number of ...insurrections. DILL     Must be how she slipped by.  JACKIE     You won't get anything from me! PLASMUS     I suppose you two will have to take her to the security office for detention. FRED     Gotcha. JUNE     Oh, me?  Oh all right. SOUND      SHE CROSSES JUNE     What was it she was looking at, anyway?  [horrified gasp!] PLASMUS     What's wrong? JUNE     [too quick, very nervous] Nothing!  I just thought it - he - it - moved. PLASMUS     Nonsense.  I haven't even woken the unit yet.  Get along. JUNE     [still nervous] Yes, yes of course!  Come on! FRED     What's wrong? JUNE     [growl] Post traumatic stress!  Get moving! SOUND     THEY LEAVE PLASMUS     Some people simply cannot handle pressure.  Come have a look at my human automaton. CHAMBERS     [slightly suspicious] He looks ... fresh.  DILL     Nice physique! CHAMBERS     You didn't - uh - kill him, did you, doc? PLASMUS     [laughs flatly] No.  He was killed in a car wreck, this afternoon.  His legs sustained some damage, but mostly superficial, and his head was completely severed.  CHAMBERS     How did you get him so quickly?  The notice to the family won't even go through-- PLASMUS     [pissed]  I could not wait for petty family concerns when this perfect specimen fell into my very lap!  And he is perfect!  DILL     Ew. PLASMUS     So I snatched him out of the hospital upstairs.  Besides.  He is an organ donor.  MUSIC INSURANCE     Do you wonder about your insurance coverage?  Concerned that you may some day cease to be human, and therefore void your policy?  We here at Practical Undead National Trust can fix that for you.  For only a few dollars a day, you, too, can have coverage that extends beyond the expiration of the body. MUSIC SOUND     HALLWAY, DOOR SHUTS, FOOTSTEPS FRED     Whew.  Should we go back, do you think? JUNE     [still bothered] I - I don't know. FRED     OK, what's going on? JUNE     Oh, Fred!  This is horrible! FRED     It was just a gun.  I don't think she would have shot either of us anyway. JUNE     Not that. FRED     Then what? JUNE     That body back in the lab?  That perfectly sculpted torso?  Did you see that tattoo on the shoulder? FRED     Not my type.  Sorry. JUNE     [very important and horrible] THAT was‑‑ [cut off with a gasp] SOUND     DOOR OPENS MUSIC LANDON     [outside, loud over background noise] You would think this was a prime place for ambulates - garbage reclamation.  SOUND      CRUNCHING EQUIPMENT LANDON     They don't mind bad smells, can't catch diseases -- and yet, most of the workers hired on at this particular municipal tip don't stay.  Let's find out why. MUSIC CHAMBERS     [gritted teeth] What do we do if there's a lawsuit? PLASMUS     [shrug] If they push it, there is an incinerator in the basement, and as long as we first remove the computer unit, the organic evidence could be reduced to ashes in a matter of hours. CHAMBERS     [annoyed, but not knowing] Do you even know who this person - corpse - is? PLASMUS     [shrug]  I read the driver's license.  Why? DILL     [confident] We'll fabricate records.  Show it was cremated by mistake.  Apologize.  Give the widow some ashes and a check. CHAMBERS     Sounds like you've done this before. DILL     [smug] Things... happen.  MUSIC BOB     Come on down to Big Bob's bob-o-rama for the finest in pre-owed ambulates!  We have 'em all from this big brute for heavy lifting-- ZOMBIE     [deep moan] BOB     To this hot little number, [hinting] nice for in-house work. GIRL ZOMBIE     [sexy moan?] BOB     Come on down this weekend, and my own gramma, an ambulate herself, will be here with her special milk and cookies!  Trade-ins are always given full greybook value. MUSIC NURSE     I'm so sorry.  There's been a little mixup.  He's... um... missing. PAMELA     [low snarl] As god is my witness, if my husband's body turns up somewhere - anywhere - on a celebrity zombie show, I will personally sue you, the hospital, Tammuz, and anyone else our lawyers can think of! NURSE     But I-- DOCTOR     What seems to be the problem? PAMELA     Are you the person I should be screaming at? DOCTOR     Well, I don't know about that-- PAMELA     Then you best point me at the right one, since some screaming is well overdue. DOCTOR     Just tell me - calmly - what this is about. NURSE     It's her husband. PAMELA     My husband's BODY, you mean!  [starting to move from anger into tears] I was informed of his accident, that he was declared [suppressed sob] dead at the scene, and when I come to claim him... [deep breath, furious snarl]  He's missing. NURSE     I'm sure it's just a paperwork snafu. PAMELA     AND I know how some of you bastards are about selling celebrity corpses!  Don't think you can pull that crap on me! DOCTOR     Celebrity?  What was -uh, is - your husband's name? MUSIC SOUND     ZOMBIE MOAN LANDON     This fucking pisses me off no end - look at that poor bastard. SOUND     ZOMBIE MOAN LANDON     Look at this hand.  Three fingers gone, from a bloody hazardous environment.  [up]  They may not be human any more, but you sons-of-bitches still have to look after these beggars! MUSIC JUNE     Landon Frost! FRED     What? JUNE     I swear it was!  It's the snowflake on his shoulder.  He got it for his wife! FRED     Oh.  That can't be good.  Should we ... tell them? JUNE     Well...he IS dead.  Nothing'll change that. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, MANY FEET COME STORMING IN PAMELA     I already have Landon's private security at all your exits, and will personally go through each and every room until I find him - so you might as well hand him over. DOCTOR     But, but.. PAMELA     First, you are taking Big bill, here, and I down to your bloody incinerator -and don't try to tell me you don't have one. DOCTOR     Why? PAMELA     So no one has access to destroy the [falters] the ...evidence. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, THEY PASS OUT AGAIN FRED     Is that--? JUNE     [fatalistic] Oh boy! MUSIC LECTURER     We must stop treating ambulates as objects and start treating them as people - people very nearly like you and me.  With a bit of practice, anyone can speak clearly and slowly enough for a zombie to pick up on it.  SOUND     ZOMBIE MOAN LECTURER     If we could only follow the moans and groans of a group of zombies, I'm sure complete and fascinating conversations are going on, right under our disinterested human noses. MUSIC DILL     [on phone]  So soon?  Well, I guess we move on to plan B. [pause] She is? [upset] oh. SOUND     PHONE DOWN CHAMBERS     What is it? DILL     I - they-- PLASMUS     Quiet, please!  Time to turn it on! DILL     This may actually be a very bad... thing SOUND     A COUPLE OF ZAPS SOUND     RUSTLE CHAMBERS     Is that it? PLASMUS     Do you need me to shout "it's alive"? LANDON     [computer noise, not quite speech] DILL     Ohhhh boy. CHAMBERS     Does that thing make it able to talk? LANDON     [machine, more gobbledygook] PLASMUS     Ambulates have always been able to talk.  They simply operate on a much slower scale than we do.  It is something about the brain synapses, the ambi-twist simply cannot get them back to normal speed. DILL     [prompt] They're how much slower than humans? PLASMUS     I said not to do that. DILL     I was just asking,.  Really. PLASMUS     They operate somewhere between 20 and 50% slower than humans.  That is why they have to be spoken to slowly. LANDON     [machine] Fuck you! PLASMUS     [chuckles] Or not. DILL     [gasp] Is it supposed to do that? CHAMBERS     I thought you said that removing the head should negate the personality. PLASMUS     I'm sure it is just something programmed in.  My computer expert has quite a sense of humor. LANDON     [machine]  What the hell is going on? PLASMUS     [worried now] Or... not. DILL     This was supposed to make it docile!  CHAMBERS     At least the thing is tied down. SOUND     RIP OF RESTRAINTS PLASMUS     [frightened] Or... not! MUSIC TEACHER     Turn to page 40.  The chapter on the ambi-twist.  Amy, will you start? [grade school students, who read more or less well] AMY     The ambi-twist was a genetic modification first pioneered by Tammuz Corporation. BOBBY     With the best of intentions, this benevolent corporation was trying to help people. CORA     To overcome the issues with tissue rejection and make transplants one hundred percent successful. DESMOND     But the ambi-twist went a bit awry. [after a pause] ELLIE     [whispered] You have to read more. DESMOND     nuh-uh.  Not my fault it's a short sentence. ELLIE     Fine!  [ahem]  The ambi-twist altered the genetic makeup of the intended cells, yes, but it did not stop there, instead running amok through the entire body and giving the cells a life of their own. FRANK     Most of the population now carries the ambi-twist virus, which has little to no effect on them ... during their lifetime. DESMOND     [spooky noise] ooo-OO-oo EVERYONE     [joking zombie groans] MUSIC NOTE     LANDON IS COMPUTERIZED FROM HERE ON OUT LANDON     Why so gob-smacked?  Where the fuck am I? SOUND     THUMP GETTING OUT OF BED, FOOTSTEPS PLASMUS     This is very bad.  DILL     It's coming over.  Let me guess, it can see and hear through the computer unit too? PLASMUS     [wry]  Of course.  What use is a unit that bumps into walls and can't follow orders? LANDON     Is anyone planning to answer me? CHAMBERS     Look, you.  You've died and are now property.  Just lay back and shut up. DILL     Oh boy. LANDON     No, you look here, you lump of festering dog turd!  If I were dead, and I don't believe it for a minute - I have very specific contingencies in my will.  PLASMUS     [chuckles] Speaking of contingencies-- SOUND     SHOTGUN RACKING PLASMUS     I would call this experiment a conditional success. SOUND     SHOTGUN BLAST MUSIC HUSHED MC     And the ambulate "Gracie's darling" is now approaching the steps.  This is a level three hazard, since it typically takes an ambulate several tries.  Oh!  She's on the first step!  Very nicely corrected a stumble and managed to stick the second step.  Ah, but she's faltering -- Momentum can only carry one SO far, and this is where balance truly comes into play.  [gareth bowley] MUSIC SOUND     DOOR SLAMS SHUT CHAMBERS     Holy cow! PLASMUS     [gleeful] Did you see how fast it was? DILL     You mean when it walked off with your shotgun?  I thought we were done for! CHAMBERS     Looked like it nearly took your hand off, too. PLASMUS     [dismissive] It's broken,  It's fine.  [up] We must follow it! CHAMBERS     Get security on all the doors! DILL     On it. PLASMUS     Try not to hurt it! CHAMBERS     Belay that order.  Take that thing down at all costs.  And definitely before it leaves the building! MUSIC SURVIVALIST1     I don't care how many times they take this feed down and report me - I ain't gonna stand by and let them goddamn walking dead take over.  Since every one of us as dies turns into one of them, ain't no way we can keep ahead unless we thin the herd a bit.  SURVIVALIST2     Hell yeah.  Now on the chart behind me, you see a human-- SURVIVALIST1     or zombie-- SURVIVALIST2     right, "or zombie," body with various areas marked in red.  Those are your standard  targets, right there.  The head is, of course, the primary, since the bastards won't stop walking without that being gone. SURVIVALIST1     Even that don't put 'em down right away, but if you can get it GONE-- SURVIVALIST2     Sure is funny to watch them bump into walls, in't it? BOTH     [laugh] MUSIC AMB     HALLWAY SOUND     ALARMS, RUNNING FEET IN DISTANCE JUNE     Why do I suddenly feel like a job change? FRED     I'll help with the resume.  Let's scat.  SOUND     RUNNING FEET APPROACH JUNE     Oh shit! [dragging him out of the way] Over here! LANDON     Run, you little buggers!  I'll blow your fucking pop stand wide open!  FRED     Holy crap! JUNE     Ssh!  Maybe it won't notice us! LANDON     What are you looking at? FRED     Too late! JUNE     Please don't hurt us! LANDON     Hurt?  HURT?  I'm going to ruin you snotty little gits! FRED     Ruin, I can live with. SECURITY     Stop right there! SOUND     ASSORTED ZOMBIE MOANS JUNE     Sock troops! LANDON     [machine] Is this some kind of a sick joke?  Turning THEM against ME? SECURITY     Lay down the weapon and come along quietly, Top Hat. FRED     Top hat?  What is he, a Batman villain? MUSIC MOVIE ANNOUNCER     He was a normal boring man. NORMAL MAN     Hey honey - be late tonight. MOVIE ANNOUNCER     With a normal boring Life. NORMAL MAN     Yes, sir, I can get that done for you this afternoon. MOVIE ANNOUNCER     Until the day he died. NORMAL MAN     Excuse me - I feel - my chest - urk. SOUND     THUMP, DROP PHONE, ERROR TONE MOVIE ANNOUNCER     Now he was to work his way back to the top, against all odds... Coming soon-- NORMAL MAN     [zombie moan] MOVIE ANNOUNCER     --A NORMAL MAN starring Justin Bieber and an undead Jim Carrey. MUSIC JUNE     [up, yelling] We're not with him! LANDON     Toady. JUNE     We DO work at Tammuz. LANDON     This is Tammuz? SECURITY     You have a count of 5 to put down the shotgun.  ONE. [continues] TWO. THREE. FOUR. FRED     Haven't you noticed the logo everywhere? LANDON     My vision is ... strange.  [musing]  Tammuz.  The one place I could never get into... FRED     Not surprising. SECURITY     FIVE!  Get him! JUNE     They won't shoot in here - too many things  might blow up.  LANDON     What?  Helping me? JUNE     I love - loved your show. LANDON     Don't be surprised if I'm back on the air soon. SOUND     HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE FRED     Ow! JUNE     What the heck? SECURITY     I said get him, you maggoty turds!  Why are you stopping? LANDON     huh.  Funny how I knew to do that. MUSIC NOTE     Ad also plays, under, at very slow speed - for the ambulates watching. EDNA     Edna's chum on the go!  Whenever you're out and about, and no time to get home and feed the ambulate in your life, drop round to Edna's Chum.  We have the best quality, tastiest chum around - hot and fresh, just like mother might have made.  Available for dine-in, drive through and even delivery!  MUSIC PLASMUS     They have him cornered in sector five, west corridor!  Checkpoint X-14.  I must reclaim the unit after they take the body down. SOUND     PHONE RINGS DILL     I'll catch up.  You guys go on ahead. CHAMBERS     Hah!  You're not weaseling out that easily. DILL     One sec [to phone] Yeah?  Oh brilliant.  That's just the cherry on top. SOUND     HANGS UP CELL DILL     [annoyed] Guess what? PLASMUS     [threat] I have a taser here somewhere-- DILL     Okay! Okay!  There's a woman upstairs demanding her husband's body.  And because this night isn't deep enough in the shit, I have a feeling she's related to-- CHAMBERS     Oh IS she?  [chuckles]  We might be seeing daylight.  Come on. MUSIC NIGERIAN SCAM     With reverence I am contacting you.  I hope you will overlook my poor typistry.  I am a recently deceased individual that managed to conceal a large sum of money before joining rank one of the walking dead.  MUSIC SECURITY     Tell me you saw that, too. FRED     You mean how he just, like, whistled and all the zombies trotted off after him like the pied piper of Hamlet? JUNE     Hamlin. SECURITY     Yeah, that.  Good.  Now when I make my report, you two can back me up. FRED     Oh, uh-- We were actually leaving. SECURITY     I don't think so. JUNE     Not Leaving leaving.  We have to get back to our -uh- posts. SECURITY     That's different.  I'll give you an escort. FRED     Oh, boy. SOUND      DISTANT FOOTSTEPS PAMELA     You!  You there!  I want a word with you! FRED     Us? JUNE     Him.  you. SECURITY     Oh, me.  Yes ma'am? PAMELA     You look like someone in charge here.  You will tell me where my husband's body is! JUNE     Oh that.  He went thataway. PAMELA     WHAT? MUSIC ZOMBIE LIB     If you can understand this, you are one of us, my zombie brother or sister.  Come to the house with three crescent moons over the door, and we will guide you safely to our side of the wall.  Liberty for all! MUSIC SOUND     SHOTGUN SHOT INTO CEILING LANDON     I'm done fucking around.  You let us past, or the next shot brings you to OUR bloody side! COP     I can't!  I-- the door is on autolock!  Please, uh, mister - I got a wife and kids-- LANDON     You stupid little shit!  I have - had a wife to, but whatever genius did this-- PAMELA     [off a bit] Landon? LANDON     Oh my god.  Pamela? PAMELA     What did they-- [more concerned than panic] your head! LANDON     It's some insane experiment.  I'm dead. PAMELA     You can still see and hear me?  [wonder]  But you're not slowed? LANDON     Yes, I-- [REMEMBER STUPID ZOMBIE DOG ALL THIS TIME] COP     Sorry, sir, but I have to-- SOUND     SHOT ZOMBIEDOG     Leaps in the way of the bullet, body drops and hat goes flying, COP     Oh, shit. LANDON     Give me a minute, dear. PAMELA     [furious] Give me your gun. LANDON     No need. SOUND     WHISTLE ZOMBIES     [attack] COP     I was - I didn't - oh! LANDON     Poor stupid animal.  PAMELA     If not for that thing, you'd be dead. LANDON     I'll take this. SOUND     PICKS UP TOP HAT CHAMBERS     [coming in]  No, we'll take that.  Both of them, in fact. MUSIC ZOMBIE MAN     Look at me.  Now look at your zombie.  Now look back at me.  Your zombie will never look as good as me, but it can smell as good as me, with special deodorant soap from--[danar?] MUSIC FRED     [quiet] back away, quietly. JUNE     [quiet] If we can just get past the corner... LANDON     Who the fuck do you think you are? FRED     Helps that he's keeping their attention. CHAMBERS     We're the owners of that gadget you're currently wearing, and we want it back.  YOU, on the other hand, are expendable. LANDON     And you think I'm afraid of your gun?  If anyone knows how durable the undead are, I should bloody well think it was me. FRED     [quiet] I'm clear! JUNE     Just a bit more... SOUND     GUNSHOT CHAMBERS     The next one goes into HER. JUNE     [off] Her?  [gasp, then relieved] Oh - her - his wife. LANDON     You wouldn't. PLASMUS     You might want to consider-- CHAMBERS     Shut up - this is all your fault anyway. PLASMUS     But-- LANDON     Get behind me, dearest. PAMELA     He can't be mad enough to shoot me! CHAMBERS     Oh, I'm flipping furious, lady!  LANDON     She doesn’t mean that kind of "MAD", you festering moronic baboon! MUSIC INTERVIEWER     We have an interview with someone actually on the scene.  What precisely was going on? JUNE     It was pandemonium!  The ambulates were just walking away after the ... uh, stranger. Interviewer     Like the pied piper of hamlin? JUNE     Or like spartacus. FRED     And when Mr. Chambers - I mean the defendant - shot Mrs. Frost-- JUNE     We're not supposed to talk about that! FRED     That's why they're pixilating our faces, isn't it? JUNE     That's next week's interveiw - this one is live! FRED     Oh shit.  Oh! INTERVIEWER     Now that you've started, you might as well finish.  What happened next? JUNE     [exasperated sigh] There goes our exclusive! MUSIC SOUND     GUNSHOT LANDON     Bastards! SOUND     HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE SOUND     ZOMBIE MOANS IN RESPONSE LANDON     [snarl] Bring me THAT one! PLASMUS     Which?  Oh! CHAMBERS     Stay back! PAMELA     [expiring]  Landon?  It hurts! LANDON     Hold on, dearest.  Keep breathing.  SOUND     GUNSHOT SOUND     ZOMBIE MOANS CHAMBERS     Get out of my way, you maggots! FRED     Come ON, June! JUNE     I have to see how it ends! SOUND     GUN SHOT JUNE     [gasp]  Or not! SOUND     ZOMBIES MOAN PLASMUS     Let go! don't touch me!  Ew!  Does anyone have some purell? PAMELA     [very weak]  Landon?  What- [gasp] what are you thinking? LANDON     Is it hard to implant the top hat device? PLASMUS     It's quite simple really - the connections are made remotely inside the wiring, so the longer it is on, the more enmeshed the interfaces become-- LANDON     Take this. SOUND     CLANG OF DOG'S UNIT PLASMUS     What do you--?  [realizing] Oh. MUSIC INTERVIEWER     But the zombies didn't harm Mr. Chambers? JUNE     He wanted - Landon wanted for him to stand in a human court for trial.  FRED     He said something about rotting in hell, but his accent was getting really thick. JUNE     He was crying! FRED     He's a computer.  I mean, the voice, at least, is computerized.  Why would it get choked up? INTERVIEWER     [to camera] Even now, Chambers is standing trial for the murder of Mrs. Pamela Frost.  While the videographic evidence is very convincing, the lack of an actual body has been a point hammered on by the defense. MUSIC SOUND     CRACKLE of STATIC, THEN FOCUS SOUND     [both are clearly computerized] LANDON     Can't broadcast too long, don't want you to trace us. PAMELA     We want to reach out to everyone who has been affected by the blight that is Tammuz. LANDON     Know this - relief is coming soon.  For now, just walk away, wherever you are.  We'll find you. PAMELA     And Merry Christmas, everyone. SOUND     HIGH PITCHED WHISTLE SOUND     ZOMBIE MOANS FILL SOUNDSCAPE END

With a city manager (much like alexa/amazon prime - it delivers anything ordered) handling all New York City's needs, how can things go wrong?   oh, and it's Julie's birthday...

[warning - mature language and violence] Carla Skray, CEO of Tammuz Inc., chief exploiter of hordes of unliving workers, finds herself "haunted" by her ex husbands - returned as the same zombies she employs... Cast List Carla Skray - Julie Hoverson Robbie - Scott C. Wentworth Monica - Melissa Pang Tick - Frankenvox Amy - E. Vickery Phil - Ayoub Khote Rick - Reynaud LeBoeuf 911 Operator - Jacquie Duckworth VOICE BOX - Tanja Milojevic         (Lightning Bolt Theater of the Mind) Stock Reporter            Marianne Coleman-Hipkins Kathy - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Fred, on the phone, Newscaster -            Russell Gold Additional zombies:           John Lingard           Sidney Williams (Fear on Demand)           Michael Hudson           Robyn Keyes           and the zombie chorus... Music by Jason Shaw (Audionautix.com) Show theme:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:  Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock   "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a corporate office, can't you tell?" ****************************************************************************************** THREE EXES FOR XMAS   Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] CARLA Skray (posh 50s), rich industrialist ROBBIE (20s), her fourth boytoy husband AMY (20s), his girlfriend MONICA (30s), Carla's personal assistant TICK (30s), Carla's go-to guy ZOMBIE PHIL (dead but 20s), Carla's first husband ZOMBIE RICK (dead but 20s), Carla's second husband Emergency OPERATOR (any) NEWSCASTER (any) FRED (any), on the phone KATHY (any) businesslike VOICE BOX OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a mansion in a very posh part of humantown, can't you tell?  MUSIC SCENE 1.     CARLA'S OFFICE SOUND      LOW MUSIC CARLA     The zombies in agricultural sector eight are refusing to comply with the new work orders?  [incredulous] Refusing?  You mean they're - they're going on strike? FRED     [on monitor] I know it sounds wild, but-- CARLA     Wild?  Wild!  It sounds like they've lost what little is left of their tiny maggot ridden minds!  FRED     They're asking for a slight wage increase-- CARLA     Never!  And to think I was kind enough to create jobs for those rotting bastards in the first place!  FRED     They want-- CARLA     I don't care what they want!  I want a twenty-year old's ass, but that's not gonna happen either! FRED     I'll tell them-- CARLA     Nothing.  Don't even bother.  Seal off sector 8 and turn off the chum. [note:  chum, from the word for "minced up meat poured in the water to attract sharks", is basically what zombies "eat".] FRED     There's hundreds of-- CARLA     [venomous] Decaying dead bodies.  Nothing more.  The fact that they have volition is utterly inconsequential.  The council has held they have no rights.  Who am I to go against the law?  FRED     That might change sooner than you think. CARLA     Just do it.  Off. SOUND     SCREEN GOES OFF ROBBIE     [teasing] A twenty year old's ass?  Does that mean mine's not good enough any more? CARLA     [completely different]  You've still got a coupla good years in you, Robbie honey.  Come and give me a neck rub. ROBBIE     Absolutely, boss lady. CARLA      [grrrow] You know what it does to me when you call me that. ROBBIE     Of course. SOUND     BEEP MONICA     [on monitor] Ma'am?  The massage therapist is here. CARLA     [exasperated noise]  Give me a minute, I need to freshen up. ROBBIE     [sexy] Does that mean what I think it does? CARLA     Not today, sweetass.  [walking away]  You run along and make sure to have a nice hot bath ready for me - say in about an hour? SOUND     HIS FEET LEAVING, WE FOLLOW HIM ROBBIE     Right. CARLA     [off, calling] Make it an hour and a half. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS ROBBIE     [quietly, fuming] Yes master. SOUND     HE WALKS AWAY, OPENS ANOTHER DOOR NO MUSIC TO CHANGE     SCENE 2.     MONICA'S DESK MONICA     Is she ready? ROBBIE     A couple minutes. AMY     [surprised] Robbie? ROBBIE     Shh.  [loud, hearty]  Hey, Amy.  Nice to see you. AMY     Robbie, what--? ROBBIE     [worried, rushed undertone] What are you doing here? AMY      Outcall.  Do you think I bring the table along for social visits? ROBBIE     Are you nuts? AMY     [shrug] Agency sent me.  It's good money. ROBBIE     That's my - my wife in there. AMY     [teasing] Oh!  I thought you just worked here. ROBBIE     I do, but-- MONICA     [calling] She's ready for you now. ROBBIE     Shit.  You should get outta here. AMY     [reassuring] She can’t know.  Why should she? ROBBIE     Please... AMY     Don't worry! CARLA     [on intercom] Monica, wrap it up out there and take the rest of the day. MUSIC   SCENE 3.     TICK'S OFFICE SOUND     NEWS IN OVER MUSIC NEWS PERSON     Stock in Tammuz National went up three points today with the announcement of yet another advance in preservation technology.  Keep your zombie workers fresher longer! [note:  Tammuz was a Mesopotamian god of rebirth or on-going life] SOUND     COMMERCIAL STARTS, TV TURNS OFF TICK     [talking on phone]  I received your package yesterday.  I appreciate your promptness.  Did you want to add anything to the instructions?  [listens for a minute] [chuckles]  Don't worry.  "Accidents" happen every day. MUSIC   SCENE 4.     CARLA'S OFFICE SOUND     NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY CARLA     [moans] SOUND     MASSAGE NOISES, PATTING, FINAL BIT, SMOOTHING AMY     There.  Sit up slowly. CARLA     [deep breath, stretching noises]  You're quite good. SOUND     THINGS BEING PUT AWAY IN A CASE AMY     Thank you.  I hope you'll call on my services again. CARLA     Oh... I don’t think so. AMY     Hmm? CARLA     And neither will anyone else in my... household.  I hope you understand? AMY     [slightly worried]  No...? CARLA     [sigh] Come.  You need to see this. SOUND     DOOR OPENS AMY     The bathroom? CARLA     [chuckles] SOUND     LIGHT SWITCH ON CARLA     I think you'll find it very interesting. AMY     [sigh]  Ok, but I should get going...  Why are we in here? CARLA     Easy to clean. AMY     Huh? CARLA     [grunt of effort] SOUND     THROAT SLIT AMY     [gurgling, dying] SOUND     OPENS CABINET, LARGE METAL THING BROUGHT OUT, SET DOWN ON TILE, GARBAGE BAG OPENED AND FLUFFED OUT CARLA     Pity really.  You've got excellent hands.  Ah well.  I'm sure someone will make good use of them. [NOTE:  AMY's body is the body Tick gives to Ben in Zombi to dispose of.] SOUND     HORRIBLE JUICY SAWING NOISES BEGIN MUSIC   SCENE 5.     ROBBIE AT HOME AMY     [on filter]  Leave a message!  Now!  Wait, no, leave it now! SOUND      BEEP ROBBIE     Call me soon-- [cuts himself off suddenly] SOUND     DOORKNOB SOUND     PHONE SLAMS SHUT SOUND     DOOR OPENS ROBBIE     Got your bath.  Let me run a bit more hot. CARLA     Oh, that.  [dismissive] I showered in my office. ROBBIE     [trying to hide his disappointment] Oh? CARLA     A little problem came up. SOUND      POURING A DRINK ROBBIE     [very anxious] How was... the massage? CARLA     [sighs, then casual] You stupid boy. ROBBIE     Huh? CARLA     You think I don't know every little thing you do? ROBBIE     What do you mean? CARLA     It wasn't an accident that I ordered that particular young woman for my massage. ROBBIE     Oh. CARLA     And you won't be seeing her again.  Ever. ROBBIE     But-- I... I don't-- CARLA     She's on the next train.  Out. ROBBIE     Where--? CARLA     Unimportant.  Whatever's leaving.  It's amazing what a large sum of money will do to motivate people. ROBBIE     [bereft] But... why? CARLA     You're mine, Robbie darling, and I don't share my toys.  When you're my ex-, you can sleep with any piece of tail you can catch. ROBBIE     [very down] Right. CARLA     [spitefully seductive] Now come over here and give mama some sugar. MUSIC   SCENE 6.     TICK'S OFFICE SOUND      COMPUTER KEYS SOUND     BEEP TICK     [annoyed sigh]  Who the--? SOUND     CLICK TICK     Figures.  SOUND     CLICK, OPENS FEED TICK     Madame chairwoman.  Every time I see your face, I hear the sound of money. CARLA     Doesn't everyone?  [dry chuckle]  It's a week til christmas.  You know what that means? TICK     Hmm?  [snide] And I didn't get you anything. CARLA     Hah!  [urgent] Only two weeks until the New Year, and the vote on zombie rights. TICK     Ah.  I knew it couldn't be peace on earth, good will to man. CARLA     Good will is precisely my problem.  Things have been very good - very peaceful - recently, and people are feeling ...chummy.  Generous. TICK     [mock concern]  Are you melting yet? CARLA     There's a point where even you get tiresome, Tick. TICK     Well, let's speed this up, then.  Tick tock tick tock. [TICK is his nickname because of his tendancy to push people by saying "tick tock" - this might need to change] CARLA     I need an incident.  [sarcastic] Am I speaking to the right person? TICK     [derisive snort [duh]]  What are you looking for? MUSIC   SCENE 7.     MONICA'S OFFICE ROBBIE     [bored sigh] Is she in? MONICA     Just a moment.  [to phone]  Read that back?   ROBBIE     It's a simple question! MONICA     Shh!  [to phone]  Yes, that sounds perfect.  Both packages.  Good.  I'll be expecting delivery.  SOUND     PHONE CLICKS OFF MONICA     Sorry about that.  A supplier who's very hard to get ahold of.  [change subject]  She's out right now. ROBBIE     I'll wait inside. MONICA     I'm sorry.  Ms. Skray left specific instructions-- ROBBIE     [whining a bit] I'm her husband, dammit. MONICA     Very specific instructions. MUSIC   SCENE 8.     ZOMBIE WAREHOUSE SOUND     LOW VAGUE MOANING NOISE OF MANY ZOMBIES CARLA     [going down a line]  No.  No.  Maybe.  Hmm.  [dubious] Maybe.  No. No. No. No. [sigh]  Is this everything? KATHY     They're the freshest we've got.  [joking in poor taste] It's not like we can make them to order. CARLA     [as if she's considering it] Hmph.  Have those two cleaned up and put in jumpsuits.  Make sure they get muzzled and thoroughly shellacked.  I dislike finding bits lying about. MUSIC   SCENE 9.     CARLA'S OFFICE SOUND     DOOR SHUTS ROBBIE     [whining a bit, slightly drunk]  Where've you been? CARLA     [cold]  Working.  Keeping you in that expensive brandy. ROBBIE     Only [checks] half a bottle. CARLA     How... highbrow.  You really should take better care of yourself, Robbie dear.  You're starting to lose your charm. ROBBIE     [breaking down] You don't love me anymore. CARLA     I didn't marry you for love, little boy.  You're eye candy and good in the sack.  Nothing more.  And nothing at all, once you stop fulfilling those functions. ROBBIE     You bitch!  You said I was special! CARLA     [maddeningly calm]  I made you special.  Now you're being common.  You think you're the first? ROBBIE     What? CARLA     I've had others before you.  And I'm sure there will be more after you're gone. ROBBIE     [panicky] Gone?  Where? CARLA     [dismissive] Wherever broken toys go. MUSIC   SCENE 10.     TICK'S OFFICE TICK     [on phone] Yes.  I found the two you requested.  [listens]  Very lucky.  You have what I need?  Good.  [sighs, listening]  Yes.  That's the day.  Just call me santa claus. MUSIC   SCENE 11.     MONICA'S OFFICE MONICA     Merry Christmas. CARLA     [passing through] Whatever.  Have there been any calls from Tick? MONICA     [slightly worried] From... Tick? [note:  monica is behind the appearance of the two dead husbands, and tick is working for both of them.  This just hints at that] CARLA     He's handling something for me. MONICA     [relieved] Oh!  For you.  No.  Not yet. CARLA     Get him. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, CARLA MOVES INTO HER OFFICE MONICA     [calling after her] Robbie was looking for you.  Again. CARLA     [dismissive noise] SOUND     DOOR SHUTS CARLA     [musing] Seems it's just about trade-in time. SOUND     CHAIR PULLED OUT, COMPUTER OPEN MONICA     [on SCREEN]  Tick.  For you. CARLA     Good.  You can go.  [beat] Leave. MONICA     Merry Christmas! TICK     She's a bit early. CARLA     I've already given her tomorrow off.  Where is my incident? TICK     Open the news. SOUND     CLICK, SCREEN COMES UP NEWSCASTER     --near-riot when a guard fell off the wall near treadmill sector 5.  A crowd of mobiles were subdued only after a protracted assault.  The guard was not recovered. CARLA     [satisfied] Ahhhh. TICK     And my money? SOUND     CLICK CARLA     Open your account. TICK     [very satisfied]  Merry Christmas. CARLA     Are you "doing something" for the holiday, or can you take on another little disposal job if I need you? MUSIC   SCENE 12.     CARLA'S HOME ROBBIE     [distant, calling out]  Hello?  Hello?  Where is everyone? CARLA     I've given them the holiday off.  ROBBIE     [coming in] Look, I've been thinking, and if you want me to go, I'm fine with that.  CARLA     Go?  Just when I thought we might spend the weekend "reconnecting?" ROBBIE     Really? CARLA     Of course.  I have something very special planned for you. ROBBIE     Oh.  [ashamed]  And all I got you was chocolates. SOUND     OPENS BOX, MUSIC BOX PLAYS CARLA     How... cute.  [guarded] Why does that remind me of... something? ROBBIE     I don't know.  Monica said you would like it. SOUND     SHUTS BOX, SETS IT DOWN CARLA     [brisk again]  Well.  Don't worry - I'll think of something you can do to make it up to me.  [chuckles] SOUND     GUNSHOT CARLA     Like... go quietly. ROBBIE     [gurgles] SOUND     BODY DROP CARLA     Damn.  You moved. SOUND     A COUPLE OF STEPS ROBBIE     [trying to make words]  No, no!  please! SOUND     HAND GROPES ACROSS FLOOR CARLA     It'll be easier if you don't fight it-- SOUND     DOORBELL CARLA     Oh, bother.  If they heard the shot....  [determined hmph] ROBBIE     [gurgling] CARLA     [brightly] Don't go anywhere! SOUND     SHE STRIDES AWAY MUSIC   SCENE 13.     CARLA'S HOME, FRONT DOOR SOUND     DOOR OPENS CARLA     Yes?  [quizzical] Hello?  SOUND     SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS PHIL     [zombie moaning] CARLA     [annoyed noise] euch. [talks very slow] You go.  Not hiring. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS APPROACH PHIL     [moan ends on a quizzical note] CARLA     [recognizing him] What the--?  Phil?  [freaking, but trying to talk slow]  Go.  Go now.  Calling security! SOUND     DOOR SLAMS CARLA     [breathing a little heavily]  Poor bastard.  [deep breath, then snide]  And poor Robbie. SOUND     SHARP FOOTSTEPS CARLA     Robbie, dear, are you dead yet? SOUND     FOOTSTEPS STOP SOUND     GUN COCKS CARLA     [a bit worried] Robbie?  Damn it, it wasn't that bad a shot.  ROBBIE     [distant scream] CARLA     Ah.  Better than a blood trail. SOUND     CAUTIOUS FOOTSTEPS SOUND     DOOR PUSHED OPEN SOUND     NASTY CHEWING NOISES RICK     [mushy zombie moan] ROBBIE     [weak] Help me! CARLA     [disgusted]  Sorry Robbie.  Tiny gun like this is only good on soft tissue.  Won't even crease a skull.  I'll go get something bigger. RICK     [LOUD MOAN] CARLA     [dismissive] Filthy rotting thing. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS, LOCKS CARLA     How in blazes did it get in, anyway? SOUND     COMPUTER TURNS ON, TYPING CARLA     What the-- [offended]  No connection!  Some bastard's hacked my system!  Fine.  You think you can screw with me? SOUND     SLAM HAND ON KEYS CARLA     [dangerous] You've got another think coming. MUSIC   SCENE 14.     CARLA'S HOME, WHERE THE ZOMBIE IS VOICEBOX     Now she will find her guns are useless.  RICK     [moaned]  What about him? VOICEBOX     Were you in time? RICK     [moaned] Don't know. VOICEBOX     We'll soon see. MUSIC   SCENE 15.     CARLA'S HOME, UPSTAIRS SOUND     DRAWER SLAMMING OPEN, SEARCHING CARLA     What the blazes?  SOUND     DRAWER SLAMMING OPEN, PULLED OUT ON FLOOR CARLA     Who's been in here? SOUND     COMPUTER OPENS, TAP A FEW KEYS CARLA     Shit!  Nothing! SOUND     SLAMS THE KEYS CARLA     [deep breath] There's always an answer.  SOUND     OPENS PHONE, PUNCHES NUMBERS TICK     [on phone]  Yes? CARLA     [intense, trying for calm]  Need help now. TICK     Bit early for cleanup. CARLA     There are... mobiles... on my property. TICK      [indifferent] Call security. CARLA     What?  How can you--? TICK     I make deliveries.  I push things into place.  I don't ride up on a white horse and save anyone.  Call the cops. SOUND     HANG UP CARLA     Bastard!   SOUND     DIALS AGAIN SOUND     BUSY SIGNAL CARLA     What the‑‑? SOUND     DIALS AGAIN SOUND     RINGS OPERATOR     [weary] What is the nature of your emergency? CARLA     Zombies! OPERATOR     [bland, sigh] Of course.  Are they in your house? CARLA     How can you be so calm?  They're after me! OPERATOR     Ma'am.  It's my job to be calm.  Now why don't you take a deep breath and get some calm, yourself.  CARLA     Do you know who I am? OPERATOR     Carla Skray, 118 north ridge road-- CARLA     I am the CEO of Tammuz. OPERATOR     I'm very sorry madame CEO, but all units are currently engaged at the riot. CARLA     Riot?  What riot? SOUND     THUMP ON DOOR OPERATOR     The zombie riot.  They’re very upset over the ...incident... this afternoon. SOUND     LOUDER THUMP CARLA     They're at the door! OPERATOR     Ma'am, trust me when I say zombies are just as afraid of you as you are of them. CARLA     That doesn't help! OPERATOR     I can put you on the list, but we suggest you get into a bathroon, your car, or some other lockable enclosed space. SOUND     HANG UP, DIAL TONE CARLA     Bitch.  You're SO fired come Monday.  [musing, calmer]  Car.  Yes. SOUND     HEAVIER THUMP, DOOR SHUDDERS CARLA     [almost cheery] Not that way. SOUND     A COUPLE OF STEPS, CURTAIN MOVES CARLA     Hmm.  I would have expected a crowd.  SOUND     WINDOW SHOVED UP SOUND     THUMP ON DOOR, DOOR SPLINTERS OPEN CARLA     Damn.  No shoes.  Fine. SOUND     SHAMBLING FOOTSTEPS ENTER RICK     [moaning] Carla. CARLA     [grunts as she climbs out the window]  RICK     [moving closer] Carla. CARLA     [looking over her shoulder] [musing] Along the ledge to the tree.  RICK     Carla. CARLA     What?  [suddenly realizing]  Rick?  What in blue blazes is this? RICK     Carla. CARLA     Reunion later, darling.  For now, you can go to blazes. SOUND     FOLLOWS HER OUT THE WINDOW INTO THE NIGHT NO MUSIC   SCENE 16.     CARLA'S HOME, ON LEDGE OUTSIDE SOUND     CREAKS AS SHE MOVES ALONG THE LEDGE CARLA     [grunts] Just a little farther... SOUND     RUSTLE OF LEAVES CARLA     [spiteful laugh] RICK     [off]  Carla! CARLA     and... GO! SOUND     HEAVY RUSTLE AS SHE JUMPS INTO THE TREE CARLA     Now I merely have to get down.  [almost amused] Or I could just stay here - it's not as if they climb.  [back on track]  No.  Better safe.  And quickly. SOUND     CELLPHONE RINGS SOUND     STARTLED SCUFFLE CARLA     [panicky] Shit! SOUND     RINGS AGAIN CARLA     Yes.  Yes! SOUND     FUMBLING WITH PHONE, ALMOST DROPS, CATCHES, FINALLY ANSWERS CARLA     [almost breathless] Yes!!  Hello? MONICA     [phone]  Ms. Skray? CARLA     Monica?  What do you want? SOUND     WIND, CREAK OF TREE MONICA     I left some papers in your desk.  I'm so sorry - I know you wanted them-- CARLA     Get your ass over here.  I'll meet you out front of the house. MONICA     I...  [puzzled] um...All right. MUSIC   SCENE 17.     CARLA'S HOME, OUTSIDE IN CAR SOUND     CAR PULLS IN AND STOPS.  SOUND     XMAS MUSIC PLAYING QUIETLY ON CAR STEREO SOUND     BEEP, PHONE HANGS UP MONICA     [Humming to herself] SOUND     QUICK TAP ON WINDOW MONICA     [gasp of surprise] SOUND     ELECTRIC WINDOW ROLLS DOWN MONICA     I was gonna come on up! CARLA     Open the bloody door.  We're getting out of here. MONICA     Huh? CARLA     Quickly! SOUND     DOOR LOCKS OPEN MONICA     Okay. SOUND     DOOR YANKED OPEN, CARLA CLIMBS IN. CARLA     Just get me out of here. SOUND     DRIVING MONICA     Will this take long?  I'm supposed to meet my brother-- CARLA     I'm your boss.  Your brother has two good feet, doesn't he? MONICA     Well-- SOUND     CAR SLOWS, STOPS, CLICKING SOUND CARLA     What the hell are you doing--?  Don't stop! MONICA     The gate isn't opening. CARLA     What? MONICA     It opened when I came in. CARLA     What is wrong with everything tonight? MONICA     I'll call the police. CARLA     Fat lot of good that will do. MONICA     What do you want me to do? CARLA     You wouldn't have a gun or anything, would you? MONICA     Huh? MUSIC   SCENE 18.     CARLA'S HOME, FRONT DOOR SOUND     HOUSE DOOR OPENS SLOWLY, CAREFULLY MONICA     Do you see anything? CARLA     Shh! MONICA     Do you really need me?  My brother-- CARLA     Your brother, your brother!  What about your employer?  The one who authorizes your generous paychecks? MONICA     Of course.  I just haven't seen him in three years. CARLA     Stay close and keep your eyes peeled. SOUND     CAUTIOUS FOOTSTEPS MONICA     What am I looking for? CARLA     Zombies. MONICA     Oh.  Weren't we looking for the gate opener? CARLA     Small white box.  Should be right there on the counter. MONICA     There's nothing there. CARLA     Crap.   SOUND     DISTANT MOANING CARLA     They're all over the place! MONICA     You mean they're really in your house?  What about your security? CARLA     You think you're surprised?  There's at least two, maybe three of them. SOUND     STEPS INSIDE AND SHUTS THE DOOR MONICA     Three? [gasp - a bit horrified - she knows what that means]  Ohh.  [almost a stifled sob, then]  Where else would the opener be? CARLA     Over here.  Keep an eye out. MONICA     For what? CARLA     [grim] Anything that moves. MONICA     [gasp] CARLA     What? MONICA     Should we be watching for... blood? CARLA     [concerned] Not over there. SOUND      QUICK STEPS, THEN SLOW. SOUND     MUSIC BOX PLAYS CARLA     [gasp] How could he have--? MONICA     At least there's no zombies. CARLA     Shut up!  SOUND     SLOW FOOTSTEPS CARLA     Phil?  Come out, you filthy maggot. MONICA     [dark subtext] Who's Phil? CARLA     Nothing that concerns you.  Watch out there and make sure nothing rotting sneaks up on me.  MONICA     Okey-dokey. SOUND     STEPS, DOOR CLOSES CARLA     [dismissive noise]  Damn that musicbox.  I should have realized. MUSIC   SCENE 19.     CARLA'S HOME, ELSEWHERE ZOMBIE RICK     Ready yet? VOICEBOX     Not yet.  How is number three? ZOMBIE RICK     I look. [number three is Robbie, who is turning into a zombie] MUSIC   SCENE 20.     CARLA'S HOME, FRONT DOOR SOUND     MUSIC BOX SLAMS SHUT CARLA     [muttering to self] If I thought those undercooked potatoes were capable of planning, I might think this was some sort of game. ZOMBIE PHIL     Carla. CARLA     Hah!  Phil.  You've let yourself go. ZOMBIE PHIL     You killed me here. CARLA     And you made such a mess. ZOMBIE PHIL     You did this.  CARLA     [taunting] I'm sorry, can you speak a little clearer?  No?  Well, I never married you for scintillating conversation. SOUND     GRABS LAMP CARLA     Come a little closer, sweetcheeks. ZOMBIE PHIL     Carla.... SOUND     SWING AND THUMP, SQUISH, BODY FALL ZOMBIE PHIL     ohhhh. CARLA     Never were the sharpest pencil in the box, Phil.  Ungh!  [Starts to swing the lamp again] SOUND     DOOR OPENS MONICA     Incoming!  [shocked] What are you doing?  CARLA     Who's out there? ZOMBIE PHIL     [miserable moan] MONICA     A... mobile.  I don't know.  Were you going to hit that one?  [like if she was going to kick a dog] CARLA     Purely self defense. ZOMBIE PHIL     [whimper] MONICA     But he's not doing anything now. CARLA     It is playing you. MONICA     Let's just get out of here.  Security can remove them without-- CARLA     What are you, a sympathizer? MONICA     If there's a lot of them, killing one would just make them mad!  There are laws, you know. SOUND     LAMP SET DOWN CARLA     Fine.  We'll just lock him in here, and let justice take its course.  SOUND     DOOR OPENS MONICA     All clear. CARLA     Bye, Phil. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS SOUND     NOISE OF OVERHEAD SPEAKER COMING ON VOICEBOX     [over tannoy]  Carla Skray.  Murderer. CARLA     [gasp of fury] MONICA     Huh?  What do they mean? CARLA     When did you start listening to anonymous callers? VOICEBOX     [over tannoy] Rick Thompson, your first husband.  CARLA     Whoever that is, they have to be in the security office!  Come on. SOUND     QUICK FOOTSTEPS VOICEBOX     [over tannoy] No one has heard from Rick in six years. MONICA     [hustling] Did you--? CARLA     [hustling] Rick left.  We divorced in absentia. MONICA     So the voice--? SOUND     FEET STOP CARLA     If you're going to start questioning me, you might as well leave my house and take your chances with the rotting hordes that might be out there.  MONICA     [gasp, then small] I-- I didn't mean to accuse you. CARLA     You might still be employed tomorrow. SOUND     STOMPS OFF. MUSIC   SCENE 21.     CARLA'S HOME, WITH ZOMBIES ROBBIE     [gasp awake, then thickly] What happened? RICK     You're one of us now. ROBBIE     A... zombie? RICK     An exxxxx. MUSIC   SCENE 22.     CARLA'S HOME, FRONT DOOR VOICEBOX     [tannoy] Phil Carter.  Husband number two. MONICA     [whispered, straining] I don't see anyone. CARLA     Someone has to be in there. MONICA     [nervous]  Should we go in? CARLA     Take another look. MONICA     [gasp] VOICEBOX     [tannoy] Disappeared three years ago, after a mere two years of [sarcastic] wedded bliss. CARLA     This asswipe is going down. MONICA     [whispered] I still don't see- [gasp]  There!  CARLA     What? MONICA     Right beside the door, just a shadow - he's standing just out of sight!  We should just go! PHIL     [off]  Carla! CARLA     How the--?  Didn't you lock that door? MONICA     I thought I did! RICK     [off] Carla! CARLA     Of course, it would be Rick too. MONICA     They're coming from both sides! CARLA     Whoever's in there is behind this! SOUND     RATTLE OF KNOB MONICA     It's locked! CARLA     Here, let me! SOUND     GUNSHOT SOUND     THUMP CARLA     Ow! MONICA     Did you see where that came from? CARLA     My arm!  I've been shot! MONICA     It went right by me!  I swear I felt it! CARLA     [groan]  You think one of them can hit the broadside of a barn? MONICA     Maybe there's someone else.  [muttered] Someone who hasn't been murdered. CARLA     Can you see anyone-- SOUND     CLICK MONICA     [gasp] Not now I can't!  The lights! CARLA     We need to get moving. MONICA     But your arm-- CARLA     It's my legs that can move faster than those lumps of gristle. MONICA     Come on! SOUND     POUNDING ALONG THE WALL CARLA     Could you be a little quieter?  They wouldn't even have to have ears to hear you! MONICA     I could just leave you here at their mercy! CARLA     What mercy could they have? MONICA     More than you, from the sound of it! SOUND     SLAP MONICA     [gasp] CARLA     [cold] Find a door. MONICA     [whimper] SOUND     GENTLE TAPPING, DOORKNOB RATTLES, TURNS SOUND     DOOR OPENS CARLA     [whispers] Is there a light? SOUND     CLICK CLICK MONICA     Uh-uh [no].  They must have put it out at the breaker. CARLA     Do you hear any thing in there? MONICA     [a moment]  No. CARLA     Let me check. SOUND     SHE MOVES IN MONICA     [a moment, then whispered]  Anything? CARLA     No. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS, LOCKS NO MUSIC   SCENE 23.     CARLA'S HOME, DEEP CLOSET MONICA     [outside] Ms. Skray?  Ms. Skray? SOUND     POUNDING CARLA     [deep, relieved breaths, then half a chuckle]  Hah.  Note to self.  Need new assistant.  [afterthought] And new husband. PHIL     [weird slurp] CARLA     What the--? SOUND     LIGHT CLICKS ON CARLA     [gasp] ALL - PHIL, ROBBIE, RICK [moaning] CARLA     [screams] MONICA     [muffled] Everything all right in there? CARLA     Open this door! MONICA     [outside, venomous] I wasn't talking to you. VOICE BOX     [outside] [speaks very slowly] PHIL?  OK? CARLA     Phil?  [incredulous] PHIL?  ZOMBIE PHIL     [moans louder] SOUND SWITCHES TO OUTSIDE MONICA     I told you my brother was coming for a visit. CARLA     [behind door] Stop touching me, you filthy-- Ugh!  [noises of disgust] MONICA     I just didn't mention you already knew him.  Funny how those things work, eh, boss? SOUND     [behind door] SLAPPING MONICA AND VOICE BOX    Let me know when it's over. CARLA     [Screams] MUSIC   SCENE 24.     LATER MUSIC     FADES INTO NEWS JINGLE NEWSCASTER     And in other news, the controversy over rights for the animate unliving has been struck a terrible blow over the holiday season.  SOUND     RIOTING ON BACKUP SCREEN NEWSCASTER     Riots have popped up in various parts of the outer city, home to most of the area's AU population, but an injury and death toll is difficult to calculate.  Here with a word on the issues is Tammuz CEO, Carla Skray. SOUND     SWOOSH NOISE CARLA     [zombie sounding]  I have been reconsidering [is suddenly speeded up to normal vocal speed] my position on the issue of rights, and have decided that I am willing to make certain concessions... SOUND     TV TURNED OFF   SCENE 25.     CARLA'S OFFICE, NOW MONICA'S OFFICE MONICA     That was perfect!  Now, let's see about that raise. CARLA     [unhappy moan] ZOMBIE PHIL     [laughs] RICK AND ROBBIE  [join in the mushy laughter] MUSIC END   [note:  This is very loosely based on A Christmas Carol.  Carol=Carla.  LOL  Instead of three ghosts, she gets visits from her zombified ex husbands, and through a change of heart - in this case, being turned into a zombie - she changes her attitude toward people.]  

Ben and Mia, young zombies in love, search for the perfect xmas present in a world of the walking dead.    Cast List Mia - Brenda Dau Ben - Derek M. Koch                 of Mail Order Zombie Geek - Glen Hallstrom Tick - Frankenvox Chuck - Bob Noble Andy - Reynaud LeBoeuf Doris - Julie Hoverson Sheri - Crystal Thomson Ted - J. Spyder Isaacson Voicebox - Beverly Poole Fred & Bob - Big Anklevich           & Rish Outfield           of Dunesteef Audio Magazine Ben's Double - Danar Hoverson Mia's Double - Julie Hoverson Other zombies:  Al Aseoche, Jacquie Duckworth, Reynaud LeBoeuf, Jack Hosley, Sidney Williams, Glen Hallstrom, Bob Noble, Brian Weingartner, Ferguson and family, Robyn Keyes, Kim Poole, Michael Hudson. Music by Jason Shaw (Audionautix.com) Show theme:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an apartment on the wrong side of town, can't you tell?" ******************************************************************************************** GIFT OF THE ZOMBI   Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Mia, zombie (20s) dating Ben Ben, zombie (20s) dating Mia Ted, zombie (30s), Mia's horny neighbor Andy, henpecked zombie (40s) Doris, Andy's wife (40s) Geek, a broker (30s) Sheri, a lovelorn friend (20s) Tick, an unscrupulous intact (human, 30s) Fred, a zombie (any) Bob, another zombie (any) Chuck, overseer zombie (any) Voicebox - mechanical translator   ALL ZOMBIES (unless noted as exceptions, below) have dual vocal tracks - the "zombie-voice" track, which is unintelligible, but vaguely mirrors the normal voice and events, and the "mind voice" (sounds like a voiceover), which is how they sound to each other.  /n = normal"mind voice" /z = "zombie voice" There are places where we only hear the zoombie voice.   Exceptions:  DORIS has no "mind voice", just incoherent shrieks GEEK only has a zombie voice, but he is clearly understandable, if still zombie-like TICK is human, and has no zombie-voice.   NOTE:  The zombie apocalypse has come and been dealt with more or less.  Zombies might still attack humans, if they see them, but humans tend to live in the walled cities and have become somewhat mythological to the zombies outside.  Zombies still are self-aware, but they think and speak so very slowly that they are difficult for humans to understand.  Conversely, to a zombie, humans seem to speak incredibly fast - almost incomprehensibly so.  That's why humans developed the voicebox to take what they say and slow it down enough for a zombie to understand. OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a crumbling apartment building, can't you tell?  MUSIC SCENE 1.     MIA'S APARTMENT SOUND      WIND-UP ALARM GOES OFF SOUND     FLIES IN THE B/G THROUGHOUT MIA/Z     [distant moan of awakening, which continues, sporadically,  punctuating the narrative] MIA/n     I hate Mondays.  SOUND     ALARM SLAPPED OFF TABLE, STOPS RINGING SOUND     STUMBLING FOOTSTEPS MUSIC     VAGUE WARPED CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYS SOMEWHERE MIA/n     It doesn’t help that it's two days til Christmas and I haven’t got Ben his present. MIA/z     [roar of anger] SOUND      SOMETHING CRASHES TO FLOOR, GLASS BREAKS. MIA/N     The holidays just bring out the worst in me. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE MIA/N     [sigh] Checking my stitches in the mirror - nice to see nothing weird happened in the night.  I love the hot pink against my pale skin.  [beat] I know I'm swimming against the tide, but I still like to look nice, even when no one else gives a hang.  They're welcome to run around unwashed, in raggedy-ass clothes, just leaves more Prada for me. SOUND     SPRAY CAN PSSHT, FLIES STOP, TINY DROPPING NOISES MIA/n     A little spray - no water, that's just asking for mold - and I'm ready to face the day. SOUND     [under the next] SHAMBLING FOOTSTEPS OUT OF BATHROOM AGAIN, STRUGGLES FEET INTO SHOES, NOW SHAMBLING FEET ARE IN HEELS.  MIA/n     Ben's gift is the big problem.  I know what I want to get him, but it won't come cheap.  There just aren't that many floating around out there. MUSIC       SCENE 2.     OUTSIDE SOUND     NO TRAFFIC. JUST BIRDS, SHAMBLING FOOTSTEPS, OR OCCASIONAL BREAKING THINGS. SOUND     STRUGGLE WITH OBJECTS, THINGS FALL AWAY BEN/z     [moans, fighting his way to his feet] BEN/n     [hungover sounding] Wow, what did I do last night?  BEN/z     [shake head noise] BEN/n     Oh, crap - Mia'll be expecting me-- SOUND     SHAMBLING FEET SPEED UP BEN/n     For all her persnickityness, Mia is totally the greatest babe around, and I am sooo lucky that I'm the one she's into.  I figured for the longest time that she was just slumming with a grot like me - right up until we really did it.  Went whole hog and did the handfast.  It's like always having a piece of her with me.  [note:  in this case, the handfast was actually trading hands.  zombies can buy and sell body parts and trade them with one another] ANDY/z     [morning] BEN/z     [yo!  How's it going?] ANDY/z     [falling moan, ending in a squeal] BEN/n     Don't I know it!  Man, if ever a guy was whipped, Andy is the poster boy.  He's gonna catch hell for not getting home to Doris last night.  Almost tempting to stay and see the fray, but meeting Mia is the only thing on my maggoty little mind right now. MUSIC   SCENE 3.     MIA'S STAIRCASE SOUND     BODY FALLS DOWN STAIRS, FOLLOWED BY THE CLATTER OF A SHOE. MIA/z     [distraught moan] MIA/n     Darn stair carpet.  Darn heels.  SOUND     FEELING AROUND FOR THE SHOE AND PUTTING IT BACK ON MIA/n     Alas, vanity doesn't come cheap.  Ben loves my little foibles.  He understands why it matters so much to me, to be beautiful for him.  Looking back at my pink stitches, almost tripping as I crane my neck to see, I wonder whether he will like them as much as I do. SOUND     SHAMBLING FEET IN HEELS AGAIN, ANOTHER SET OF FEET COMES ON TED/z     [moan approaches, vaguely suggestive] MIA/z     [dismissive moan] MIA/n     Not today, Ted.  I don't have time for any of your nonsense. TED/z     [moan ending in a squeak/question] MIA/n     I'm with Ben, Ted.  You know that.  I'm not giving up what I have with him.  He has my hand, and my promise.  He even has my heart ... just in the old-fashioned way. TED/z     [mournful and pissed moan] MIA/n     Yeah, yeah, yeah - if you were the last one on earth, maybe. MIA/z     [roar/moan as she brushes him aside] SOUND     STUMBLING FEET QUICKLY TO DOOR, SLAMS OPEN, TUMBLES THROUGH MIA/z     [roar of triumph] MIA/N     First time!! [made it on the first try!]  This is gonna be a great day! MUSIC   SCENE 4.     OUTSIDE, NEAR BEN ANDY/z     [cursing groan] ANDY/n     Come on, Ben.  Doris likes you!  If I say you needed my help, she'll buy it! BEN/z     [dismissive groan] SOUND     SHAMBLING FEET MOVING AWAY, STUMBLING AFTER ANDY/z     [dude] ANDY/N     Dude!  Come on-- DORIS/z     [distant strident squeal] ANDY/n     Oh, crap! SOUND     SOMETHING WET SPLATS ON PAVEMENT, THEN DISTANT FEET APPROACHING ANDY/z     [strange gurgling warble] ANDY/n     [sigh] I lose more tongues that way. DORIS/z     [strident squeal, closer] MUSIC   SCENE 5.     OUTSIDE NEAR MIA'S BUILDING SOUND     HIGH HEEL SHAMBLE MIA/z     [low moan] GEEK/z     [he speaks clear enough to understand, but still zombie-like] [hey, fingers!] MIA/z     [quizzical] MIA/n     Yeah, what's it to you? GEEK/z     [you got any to spare?] MIA/n     No!  I like mine right where they are. GEEK/z     [get you a good price.  Fingers are always top value.] MIA/z     [sharp moan of anger] MIA/n     Look - these five are my boyfriend's, and this one says-- MIA/z     [fuck you] GEEK/z     [you'll be back [louder] they always come back!!] MIA/n     Damn parts brokers - [jealous] always have the best tongues. MUSIC   SCENE 6.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE [note:  throughout the rest of the show, unless otherwise noted, appropriate zombie noises play under] MIA     [calling]  Hey babycakes! BEN     [off]  Yo sweet thang! SOUND     PLODDING FOOTSTEPS COME TOGETHER MIA     Mm.  Missed you! BEN     Double that. SOUND     DISGUSTING SLOPPY LICKY KISSY NOISES MIA     [mild slurp, then hot]  You are such a good kisser.  BEN     Don't know how I'd get up each day without you to look forward to. MIA     [giggles]  BEN     Let's walk.  Want to show you something. MIA     Oh?  Well, I've got a little time before hitting the old treadmill. BEN     You know I'd support you if I could-- MIA     I like looking after my own needs.  [flirting] Leaves you to look after my wants. BEN     Ooh! MUSIC   SCENE 7.     OUTSIDE, NEAR STORE SOUND     PLODDING FEET MIA     I should have worn more convenient shoes. BEN     Sorry!  Almost there. MIA     What is...it...?  [awe]  Oh! BEN     I thought you might say that.  Just saw them.  Of course, they're not cheap. MIA     [drooling -- zombie noises under get really slobbery] Patent leather, thigh high - oh, I'd never have to take them off! BEN     The heels aren't too high, are they? MIA     [sigh of ecstasy]  I love stacks... MUSIC   SCENE 8.     OUTSIDE, Later BEN     [bummed] I was right, she loved the boots. ANDY     And how much did you say they were? BEN     More than I've had in living memory. ANDY     At any one time? BEN     EVER.  ANDY     Woah.  Well, suppose you can hit the mills like the rest of us schmoes - if you're truly that desperate. BEN     [scoff noise]  The mills?  It'd take me ten years - and they'd probably sell by then. ANDY     What, then?  Go out snatching?  That's pretty much your only other option. BEN     [sighs]  I thought I might ask around, see what I could borrow-- ANDY     Woah, there!  You know Doris holds the purse strings! BEN     If I was going to snatch anyone, I'd snatch her - she's got enough body for three. ANDY     [musing] You know...  That's not a bad idea. BEN     [disturbed] Serious? ANDY     Nah.  I'd fall apart without her keeping me moving.  I guess that's love. BEN     [agreeing hmph] MUSIC   SCENE 9.     TREADMILLS SOUND     HEAVY WHIRRING NOISE UNDER.  DISTANT NORMAL STREET SOUNDS MIA     Hey! OTHER ZOMBIES     [Morning!] [nice to see you!] [Mia!  Looking good!] SOUND     MANY PLODDING FEET MIA     Hey Chuck!  Got a space? CHUCK     For you?  Always, babe.  Wanna lose the heels first? MIA     Brought my work shoes.  Just need a moment at the bench. CHUCK     I'd offer to help, but...[chuckles]  Thank god for velcro, eh? MIA     Hah!  I have all my fingers. CHUCK     [chuckles] Coulda fooled me - [teasing] That looks like your fellow's hand...? MIA     [chuckles]  Jealous? MUSIC   SCENE 10.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE [note - Ben has zombie noises under, geek does not - he always sounds like a zombie trying to talk] GEEK     [Psst.] BEN     What? GEEK     [heard you were having some money troubles.] BEN     What's it to you? GEEK     [I might be able to help you with that.] BEN     I don't think so.  I don't have anything I feel like selling. GEEK     [You got some extra fingers.  An entire hand that looks... spare] BEN     No way. Man!  That's - that's Mia's hand!  I should smack you with it just for suggesting that! GEEK     [Hey!  I don't want no trouble!  I'm just a businessman!] BEN     [spits out the word] Businessman.  You're a parts broker.  GEEK     [Yeah, and we both know you come to me when you need something, then you spit on me when I try to help you out.] SOUND     SHUFFLING FEET START TO LEAVE BEN     Wait. GEEK     [what?] BEN     What - what's in high demand? GEEK     [What?] BEN     I mean, if I was... going to sell something ...just if... what would you be [reluctant, forcing the words out] paying the best prices for? GEEK     [[chuckles] See?  When you need me--] BEN     Cut the crap and tell me. GEEK     [Appendages are always good.  Fingers, noses, ears.  And soft parts, like tongues and, uh.... [suggestive] you know.]  BEN     [gulp] GEEK     [Toes not so much - most just get by without - unless you have a complete foot somewhere - those are collectible, but only in pristine condition.  Eyes are pretty good, and you hardly need two.]  BEN     What about parts that - aren't mine? GEEK     [Stolen parts?  What makes you think I trade dirty?] BEN     Your type always does. GEEK     [[pissed again] My type?  My type?  I think you just talked yourself out of a good deal, pal.] BEN     Shit, I-- GEEK     [incoherent roar, as he leaves] MUSIC   SCENE 11.     TREADMILL AMB - underlying zombies moans, many many plodding feet MIA     [no specific moaning for this speech] Being on the treadmill gives you plenty of time to think.  You stare at the back of the guy in front of you and wonder what's going through his head.  Ben doesn't like the nine to five, but I figure - heck, you gotta do something, and if you feel the urge to walk, might as well get paid for it, right? SOUND     SOMEONE CLIMBS ON THE TREADMILL [vocals have zombie noises under again] TED     Hey Mia! MIA     [sigh] Hi Ted. TED     Funny running into you here.  Shove over? MIA     Right.  Like I don't do this every day.  No room. SHERI     Hey Mia! [warm] Hey Ted. TED     [dismissive] Sheri. [wheedling] Come on, Mia, squeeze in a little.  There's space next to you if you make room. MIA     Sorry, Ted [she's not].  Been saving that for... Sheri. SHERI     Huh? TED     Sheri won't mind - will you? SHERI     I - I guess not... MIA     Oh, no Ted.  We have girl talking to do.  Bye-bye.  Hop up Sheri. TED     Fine.  See you at end of shift? MIA     [muttered] Not if I see you first.  SOUND     TED FLOPS OFF MIA     [up]  I don't know what you see in him, Sher. SHERI     Neither do I.  Pheromones I guess. MIA     Well, he does smell. SHERI     [on an ecstatic sigh] Yes. MIA     [ugh]  Hey, Sher, I gotta problem. SHERI     Oh?  [horrified] You didn't... break up with Ben? MIA     No!  Why would you say that? SHERI     Nothing. MIA     Did you hear something, or are you just worried that Ted might somehow luck out and catch me on the rebound? SHERI     Um.  The second one. MIA     Kinda thought so.  O-K, passing over your insecurity, can we discuss my problem? SHERI     [relieved] Sure! MIA     I found the perfect present for Ben, and I don't know how I'm gonna afford it.  SHERI     You mean...um...what you said he's missing? MIA     Yeah.  All his fleshy parts haven't lasted so well - I keep telling him that sleeping rough isn't good for him, but he hates being cooped up.  Says being nibbled on by rats is preferable to a cage. SHERI     You live in a cage? MIA     He means an apartment.  SHERI     Oh.  Well, I'm sure he looks fine without one.  You see plenty of missing ones out there every day. [NOTE:  they're discussing noses, but it makes it sound like something more suggestive] MIA     I know, but he would - well, from things he's said, he would actually LIKE one.  Make him feel like a new man.  I thought I might get him one of those artificial ones - you know, cast in plastic?  In a skin tone, though - not one of those weird colored ones. SHERI     They're all the rage with the trendoids these days, the neon ones.  I guess they figure if it's gonna look fakey, might as well make a statement.  And some of them get freakishly big. MIA     Well, I found a place to get something real high quality.  Won't look fake at all.  They'll even tint it to match his skin.  And it won't rot or fall off.  Guaranteed to last.  Not even a nibble. SHERI     It won't make him smell any better. MIA     No, but I get the feeling he would be more secure in our relationship if he - well - if he fit more the image he thinks I'd go for. SHERI     Someone with all their parts? MIA     Oh, heck.  I'd love Ben with or without any number of parts, but he seems to think I'd like him better if he actually had a nose. SHERI     [hmm]  I could maybe loan you a little-- MIA     No, this guy charges a bunch.  I'm actually tempted to sell a part or two - something I don't use, or not so much, you know? SHERI     Don't go there.  Starts out simple, a finger here, an ear there, and then - voila!  You end up checking people in at work like "Chuck, the torso" - stuck in admin cuz you got no limbs left.  Or worse - that guy who talks out his neck since he woke up one morning and his head was gone. MIA     [sigh] You're probably right.  MUSIC   SCENE 12.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE AMB     SLIGHT ECHO - AND A DRIP SOMEWHERE SOUND     FLOPPY STEPS IN WATER [note     Tick speaks slowly and has no zombie echo, Ben sounds completely zombie - no voice over - for this scene TICK     You looking for me? BEN     [gasp] [what?] SOUND     STUMBLE FLOPPY STEPS IN WATER TICK     Don't bother - just stand still. BEN     [you're a - an intact?] TICK     And you're a dead lump of shit, but maybe we can help each other. BEN     [moan of acceptance] TICK     Good.  Now stay quiet while I tell you what we're doing here. BEN     [slurpy gasp] TICK     That's disgusting.  But I need a heap like you to front for me.  I have some... parts... to be disposed of, but I can't just wander into maggotville myself.  BEN     [Why me?] TICK     My source says you're tough and desperate.  And stupid. BEN     [stifled annoyed noise] TICK     So maybe he's wrong.  BEN     [I am desperate] TICK     [snort]  Fine.  Here's the deal - I don't give a flying fluck about your crappy corpse cash.  On the other hand, I like having folks - dead or alive - who owe me. BEN     [What you need from me?] TICK     I'll tell you when it comes up.  Right now, I just need this bag of ... parts to vanish.  BEN     [It's illegal.] TICK     [cajoling] They're nice and fresh.  [impatient] Fine.  Clock is ticking.  Tick tock.  Tick tock.  You even remember what "time" is, maggot? BEN     [It's almost Christmas.  [beat] I'll do it.] MUSIC   SCENE 13.     TREADMILL SOUND     TREADMILL, FEET PLODDING SHERI     You ever wonder what they do over there? MIA     [lost in a daze] Hmm?  Over the wall? SHERI      Yeah.  The [awed whisper] In-tacts? MIA     Don't know.  Don't care.  Except for when they come over here and drag off my friends, I say leave them alone.  SHERI     But you do believe in them, don't you? MIA     Believe in them?  What's to believe - we see them marching on the wall, and they're the ones who shell out for us to walk on this damn treadmill day and night.  They're as real as ... as... shoes.  SHERI     Some say we all came from in-tacts, way back when. MIA     [lightly sarcastic] Yes, and a wasp nest in your head is a sign of good luck and not just poor hygiene.  I swear Sheri, you'll believe anything. SHERI     You believe they carry people off, though? MIA     Well, yeah - we've all seen that.  They appear from nowhere, in those dark helmets and suits, and by the time you catch your breath, someone's vanished. SHERI     [awed] I saw one once. MIA     A kidnapping? SHERI     An in-tact. MIA     [half-teasing, half worried] You know, they say if you mentioned them three times, they'll appear out of thin air. SHERI     [agreeing, distant] They are really fast. MIA     [exasperated] Sheri!  Don't-- SHERI     I did, though!  I really saw one.  Not just in a suit and helmet like they usually are, but one right... up... close. MIA     [sighs, feels her pain]  Tell me about it? SHERI     It was a guy, I think, and the funny part is he looked so much like a regular person.  Just that he was so fast and he was - well - he had everything.  His skin was perfect, no holes or anything, and it was this warm rosy color.  I... yearned to touch him, but when I reached out, he turned and ran away.  MIA     [uncertain] That...must have been ....weird. SHERI     [almost teary] It was like I saw an angel, and it saw something horrible in me. MIA     Oh, Sheri-- SHERI     Maybe that's why Ted won't love me?  Because I'm horrible inside? MIA     Aw, Sheri.  [reassuring] We're all horrible inside.  And if anyone's seen an angel here and not realized it, Ted's the one.  He sees you every day and misses out every time he turns his back. SHERI     [sniff sniff] MUSIC   SCENE 14.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE SOUND     BAG PASSED WITH A SQUISH GEEK     [you sure you don't want any of them?] BEN     [upset] I... don't need any girl parts, thanks. GEEK     [Squeamish?  All you had to do was lug a bunch of fresh merchandise here to my humble workshop.] BEN     I've never.... felt... they were so [disgusted] warm. GEEK     [Fresher just means it'll last longer.  Nothing more.  You want your pay or not?] BEN     [down] Yeah. MUSIC   SCENE 15.     TREADMILL SHERI     --you know that guy Sam I was dating? MIA     [worn down] Yeah? SHERI     And how he was always mouthing off about-- SOUND     WHISTLE, END OF SHIFT MIA     [heartfelt] Oh yesss!  What a relief! SHERI     [not getting it] Yeah!  Let's go somewhere - I was in the middle of telling you about Sam. MIA     [almost panicky] Nah, save it for next time - I have to meet up with Ben. SHERI     It's so great to have someone to talk to while we walk - Tomorrow, same time? MIA     [transparently lying] Sure!  Oh, no - wait - I promised I would do this thing with Ben tomorrow. SHERI     What thing? MIA     [panicky, trying to cover] You mean I didn't mention the thing? I--uh-- SOUND     DISTANT ZOMBIE NOISES AND SCREAMS SHERI     What the--? MIA     Come on! SOUND     SLOW PLODDING.  LARGE GROUP OF ZOMBIES GATHERING MUSIC   SCENE 16.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE SOUND      SLOW PLODDING, ONE SET OF FEET ANDY     [distant] Ben!  Ben! BEN     [sigh] SOUND     PLODDING STOPS BEN     Yeah? SOUND     ANDY'S FEET APPROACH ANDY     [panicky] Ben, man, am I glad to see you - it's Doris!  Jeez, she slipped and I think something's broken! BEN     [muttered] Lucky you. [up] What do you mean? ANDY     Her leg - it snapped and now she can't get up!  What am I gonna do, Ben? BEN     Andy, Doris is such a-- ANDY     I know I know.  She gives me hell and treats me like a dog, but what can I do, Ben, I love her!  You gotta help me.  I'll do anything! BEN     Let me take a look. MUSIC   SCENE 17.     ALTERCATION SOUND     LOTS OF SHAMBLING FEET, MOANS MIA     What happened? SHERI     Where's everyone going? FRED     It's one of the overseers! MIA     An in-tact?  What happened? BOB     I seen the whole thing!  He fell off the wall and someone made a grab fer him! SHERI     Oh no! FRED     Oh, yeah!  He's somewhere in the middle of the dogpile there. MIA     Isn't anyone helping? BOB     What are you, some kind of pervert?  This is an [spits out the word] In-tact.  [excited] They're tearing him apart! MIA     We should get out of here! SHERI     B-but - They're gonna kill him! MIA     [sad] I know, and there's nothing we can do about it.  And we want to be out of here before they bring out the big guns. SOUND     DRAGGING, SHUFFLING AWAY FROM THE FRACAS SHERI     But what if he's that same one I saw before? MIA     By now - you probably wouldn't know him.  MUSIC   SCENE 18.     ANDY'S PLACE DORIS     [squeals piteously] BEN     Yep, that's a bad one.  Twisted all up like this. ANDY     Can't we do anything? BEN     I'm no reconstructor.  Maybe some duct tape and a stick? DORIS      [Squeals angrily] ANDY     He's just trying to help, honeybuunny. BEN     Yeah, chill honeybunny. DORIS     [squeals again, sort, sharp, warning.] ANDY     [quiet] You gotta help me, Ben - you're the only one I can turn to! BEN     Jeez Andy... [sigh]  You'll pay me back? ANDY     You know I'm good for it!  Soon as that leg's on, we'll both hit the treads every day til we cover it. BEN     [down] Sure.  I-- ANDY     Yes? BEN     [muttered] I didn't like the way it felt anyway.  [up] Here.  SOUND     PACKAGE CHANGES SLOPPY HANDS ANDY     What - is it? BEN     Enough to get her fixed up - you might go ahead and get her a new tongue while you're at it. ANDY     [very quiet] Oh.  No.  Let's not go completely overboard... MUSIC   SCENE 19.     OUTSIDE, LATER, TOGETHER SOUND     OUTSIDE. SHUFFLING FEET APPROACH MIA     There you are - I was beginning to worry. SOUND     BODY FALLS TO THE GROUND "ben relaxes" BEN     [oof, then] It's been a really... weird day. SOUND     BODY FALLS TO THE GROUND "mia relaxes" MIA     [oof, then agreeing] Tell me about it. BEN     [muttered] I would if I could. MIA     Hmm? BEN     Nah.  Doris broke her leg and Andy needed help with getting her fixed up. MIA     They better get her a good big leg.  She goes through so darn many. BEN     Really? It's happened before? MIA     Every couple of years.  I think the last time was before you showed up here. BEN     I am such a sucker. MIA     Whenever you start thinking like that, just look at Andy.  That'd make anyone feel superior. BEN     You always know just the right thing to say. MIA     Can't help it.  We're in tune.  BEN     Yeah, I guess we are.  About Christmas-- MIA     Don't worry - I love the boots! BEN     Oh, the boots... MIA     But only if you can afford them.  If you can't, I might be able to get them myself.  [sexy] You still get to enjoy them, though. BEN     [grim] I'll get them-- MIA     [sorry] I was just teasing. BEN     Don't worry.  [softening]  Like I said, it's been a really strange day. MUSIC   SCENE 20.     SEWER AGAIN TICK     [really fast] Yeah what? BEN     [slow gasp] TICK     [fast] crap. [deliberately going slower, down to normal speed]  What do you want? BEN     Geek said you have another job? TICK     Not so much a job as a favor. BEN     Need money. TICK     What happened to the packet I gave you before?  Never mind - don't want to know.  [speeding up a bit] Look.  I'm not some magic money tree. BEN     Oh. TICK     [slowing again]  See right now, you owe me a favor - but I can be gracious about it.  You give me what I need, and I will advance you what you need against the next job I give you.  Sound good? BEN     [carefully articulating] You pay now for next job if I do favor? TICK     There you go.  [quick] not so damn stupid after all. MUSIC   SCENE 21.     MIA'S APARTMENT SOUND     ALARM CLOCK SOUND      KNOCKED OFF TABLE MIA     [just like at beginning]  I hate Mondays. SOUND     DOORBELL RINGS MIA     Huh? MIA/Z     coming! SOUND     BAREFOOT SHUFFLE SOUND      DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN, QUICKLY AND REPEATEDLY MIA/Z     Hold your damn horses! SOUND      DOORKNOB FUMBLES, DOOR IS SLAMMED OPEN. SOUND     BODY FALLS MIA/Z     [annoyed] hey! SOUND     FEET MOVE QUICKLY INTO APARTMENT, SLAM DOOR MIA/Z     [scared] Who are you--? SOUND     SUPER-QUICK WHISPERED VOICES IN BACKGROUND VOICEBOX     [mechanical voice]  You were at the altercation near the wall yesterday. MIA/z     uhhh VOICEBOX     Yes or no.  We ask yes or no questions.  Answer yes or no. MIA/z     yesss. VOICEBOX     Did you take part-- MIA/z     NO! VOICEBOX     Did you see any of those who did? MIA/z     [uncertain] no. VOICEBOX     There was another female with you.  Did it see anything? MIA     Sheri? MIA/z     No. VOICEBOX     Please identify this female. MIA/z     No. VOICEBOX     That was not a question.  Identify the female that was with you. MIA     Yeah, right. MIA/z     [incoherent moan] VOICEBOX     Speak clearly. MIA/z     Naaame isss [incoherent moan] VOICEBOX     We are prepared to remove parts if you do not cooperate.  SOUND     STRUGGLE, KNIFE SNICKS OPEN MIA/z     ohh! MIA     No!  that's Ben's! [the hand they're threatening] VOICEBOX     Last chance.  The name. MIA/z     Naaame isss shhh-jerry  VOICEBOX     Jerry? MIA/z     [reluctantly agreeing] Uh-huh. VOICEBOX     Good.  [commanding, disgusted] Let it go. SOUND     BODY FLUNG TO FLOOR MIA/z     [moans unhappily] SOUND     FEET MARCH CRISPLY AWAY MUSIC   SCENE 22.     SEWER BEN     You want WHAT? TICK     Not like you'll miss it. BEN     I-I don't-- TICK     Hey, take it or leave it.  You owe me, but not like I'm gonna wrestle you down and steal it from you.  I got people - and your kind - who can do that for me. BEN     When you need? TICK     [irritated, speeding up] What do you mean when?  You think I don't mean now? [like the crack of doom, slowly and clearly] Now! BEN     Now... TICK     Tick-tock. BEN     [moans uncertainly, then glumly] yeah... MUSIC   SCENE 23.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE MIA/z      [muffled whispered moans] MIA      Psst! SHERI     Mia?  What's with the getup? MIA      Get over here! SOUND     SHUFFLING SHERI/z     [whiny querulous moan] SHERI     What? MIA      Ok, no one can see us-- SHERI     You look like a clown. MIA      Shh!  Sheri, have any of the overseers [gulps] "talked" to you? SHERI     In-tacts?  No! MIA      They found me.  They'll find you.  They want to know who killed that - in-tact - yesterday in the riot. SHERI     Gary?  Why? MIA      No-no-no-no!  I don't WANT to know who did it!  They're asking, and they threatened to cut... off-- [sob] Th-they threatened me!  SHERI     [still not understanding it] Why? MIA      They want to get the one who did it, I suppose!  They'll come after you! SHERI     How will they know to come for me? MIA      [evasive] Well - how did - how did they know to come for me? SHERI     Oh! MIA      So now you're warned - stay away from the treadmill! SHERI     [annoyed moan] MIA     Well, I wanted to warn you.  SOUND     MIA STARTS TO WALK AWAY, STRANGELY LIMPING SHERI     What's wrong?  Mia?  You're limping. MIA     Nothing.  Figured if I can't make the treadmill for a while, I'd need something to live on. SOUND     STUMBLING FEET APPROACH SHERI and MIA     [gasping moans] FRED     [gasp]  Oh, hey!  Don't tell anyone I'm here. MIA      They found you too? FRED     I - I heard they're coming - how'd you know? SHERI     We saw it happen. FRED     Woah!  You better hide.  Least for a while.  They're taking folks again. MUSIC   SCENE 24.     MIA'S APARTMENT  BEN     Mia? SOUND     TAPPING ON DOOR, DOOR CREAKS OPEN BEN     [worried now]  Mia? TED     [off, questioning moan] BEN     You Ted? TED     yeah [affirmative moan, voice getting clearer] BEN     Where the hell's Mia? TED     She took some stuff and left.  What's it to you? SOUND     SHUFFLE TURN BEN     I'm Ben. TED     Ugh!  What the hell does she see in you? MUSIC   SCENE 25.     OUTSIDE, ELSEWHERE MIA     [off a bit]  Ben? BEN     [phantom of the opera cringing noise] What? MIA     Ben - I'm over here. BEN     Mia - don't look. MIA     [almost laughing] What? BEN     Please. MIA     All right.  I'll close my eyes. BEN     Thanks.  SOUND     SHUFFLING STEPS TO MIA BEN     Why are you hiding? MIA     I saw something - there are in-tacts maybe looking for me.  I don't know. BEN     They're just full of surprises, aren't they? MIA     Are they? SOUND     MOMENT OF JUST PLODDING ALONG TOGETHER BEN     Helluva way to spend the holidays. MIA     It is Christmas, isn't it?  [beat]  Can I look now? BEN     No!  [short barking laugh]  I - I know it's silly for me to be vain, but, uh - I lost something. MIA     I got you something! BEN     Don't turn around-- Ohhhh. [disappointed] MIA     [concerned] What happened? BEN     Some guy named Gary needed a new face.  MIA     [concerned for him] I hope you got something good for it. BEN     Actually I did.  Take off your shoes. MIA     [more panicked than should be] No! BEN     Don't worry - I'll carry them for you. MIA     No - I...  I kind of needed to make a trade too.  BEN     Your leg--? MIA     I guess feet with toes are sort of collectable. BEN     Oh.  I hope ... [chuckles]  I hope you got something good for it. MIA     [laughs a bit]  SOUND     STICKY SOUND AS SHE STROKES HIS RAW FLESH MIA     At least you kept your lips.  BEN     Are you kidding?  Had to keep those - they're my best feature. MIA     Well, here's a new one, but I don't know how it will go on - you might have to wait until you have a place to hang it again. SOUND     PACKAGE UNWRAPS, OPENS BEN     It's beautiful. MIA     It's latex.  It won't rot or get chewed on by rats.  I think I got the right color, but now - BEN     It's a fine nose. MIA     Not too big?  I mean, I never saw you with-- BEN     It's perfect. MIA     We should get going.  If they're still after me, we'll have to ... find some place else to-- BEN     Waitaminute.  Now you have to open yours. MIA     Oh, you--! SOUND     UNWRAPPING OF PAPER MIA     The patent leather! BEN     Yeah.  You know, maybe you could brace and stuff them-- MIA     It's just the one foot. BEN     Ok, stuff the one, and still walk on it. MIA     Not if we're going a long way - I don't want these puppies to get worn out on any stupid road trip.  [ecstatic intake of breath]  This is the best Christmas ever! BEN     You know?  I think you're right...  Here, take my hand. MIA     [teasing sweetly] That's my hand. BEN     Come on.  [grunt to help her up] MIA     Which way? [their voices, along with their moaning and plodding footsteps, begin to slowly fade out] BEN     A wise man once said "the sun never sets on those who ride into it".  [the quote is from the end of Shock Treatment] MIA     Which wise man was that? BEN     Um.... MIA     Are we talking like "three wise men" kind of wise man? BEN     Um - no.  I think it was... Richard O'Brien. MIA     Who? BEN     You know, the time warp guy. MIA     Oh, man - I haven't been to THAT movie in months. CLOSER  "The Gift of the Magi" is a famous story by O. Henry where a newlywed couple (around 1900) each sell something to buy the other a present - He sells his watch to get her a fancy hair comb and she sells her long hair to get him a new watch fob.  The entire story is inspired by this.    

(sorry i missed a couple of weeks - been crazy busy)   Quail Seed A timely tale of marketing and social networking. [Saki was often way ahead of his time!] Announcer - Jennifer Dixon Mr. Scarrick - John Lingard Jimmy - Will Watt Lucy - Tanja Milojevic [Lightning Bolt Theater] Boy - Reynaud LeBoeuf Man - Anthony D.P. Mann [Horror Etc.] Miss Fritten - Robyn Keyes Mrs. Greyes - Jennifer Dixon Mrs. Gordon - Judith Moore Gloria - Beverly Poole Other women - Julie Hoverson Music by Kevin McLeod (Incompetech.com) Picture by lucias_clay, found with help from Bill Jones.   Quail Seed Cast: Announcer Mr. Scarrick, shopkeeper Jimmy, Assistant Lucy, Jimmy's girl Boy Man/Beard Miss Fritten Mrs. Greyes Mrs. Gordon Miss Jones Miss Smith Gloria Mrs. Lipping   SAKI OPENING MUSIC SOUND      SHOP DOOR, BELL, FOOTSTEPS LUCY     Hello?  Helloooo? JIMMY     [close]  Morning, Lucy! LUCY     [startled gasp]  Jimmy! There you are.  Bit... empty in here, isn’t it? JIMMY     [heavy sigh] A bit. LUCY     But where are all the Christmas shoppers? JIMMY     Shh!  Whatever you do, don't ask that in front of Mr. Scarrick.  You'll quite set him off.  LUCY     Oh! JIMMY     It's all right, he's out at the moment. LUCY     [impressed] He left you in charge? JIMMY     [heavy sigh, morose]  Only in the certainty that there won't be a stampede on our services. LUCY     That bad, eh? JIMMY     Quite. SOUND     DOOR, BELL, FOOTSTEPS Miss Smith     Hello? SOUND     QUICK STEPS JIMMY     Yes?  How may I assist you? Miss Smith     [nervous] Oh, I was -um- just looking for a railway timetable?  I'm going up to the city-- [breaks off] JIMMY     Sorry.  Clean out.  Perhaps next week. MISS Smith     Ah.  Thank you. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS, BELL DOOR LUCY     You might have made a sale! JIMMY     She just wanted to look. LUCY     You don't know that. JIMMY     [bitter admission] She's the fourth today.  Everyone would rather take the train to town and shop in a big department store than [quoting] bother to take advantage of the convenience-- SOUND     DOOR BELL MISS Jones     Hello? JIMMY     ...and that's five. MUSIC SOUND     PUB SCARRICK     The outlook is not encouraging for us smaller businesses. SOUND     POURING DRINK SCARRICK     These big concerns are offering all sorts of attractions to the shopping public which we couldn't afford to imitate, even on a small scale--reading-rooms and play-rooms and gramophones and Heaven knows what. BOY     [normal, commiserating] People like shiny objects. SCARRICK     And they don't care to buy half a pound of sugar nowadays unless they can listen to Harry Lauder and have the latest Australian cricket scores ticked off before their eyes. MAN     Seems like quite a trip for sugar. SCARRICK     With the big Christmas stock we've got in we ought to keep half a dozen assistants hard at work, but as it is my nephew Jimmy and myself can pretty well attend to it ourselves.  In fact, I've left him in charge.  I've never done that before. BOY     I'm sure he'll be fine. SCARRICK     [drinks] It's a nice stock of goods, too.  I could run it all off in a few weeks time, but there's no chance of that--not unless the London line was to get snowed up for a fortnight before Christmas. MAN     [musing] How you gonna keep them home on the farm? MUSIC SOUND     SHOP DOOR, BELL MRS. GREYES     --so tedious, but there it is, and what else is one to do? MISS FRITTEN     We shall simply wait for the next--  SCARRICK     May I help you ladies? MRS. GREYES     Oh!  [evasive] Really, we just stopped in to see about --- about-- MISS FRITTEN     Bootlaces.  MRS. GREYES     Bootlaces!  Yes!  I've been in dire need of some-- SCARRICK     [hearty] Of course.  Over on the left wall, near the back. MRS. GREYES     Of course.  [whispering]  You knew he'd try and sell us something if we came in here!  Bootlaces indeed.  I already have more laces than boots! MISS FRITTEN     At least if we do make a purchase, they're small enough to carry when we go to-- MRS. GREYES     Shh! SCARRICK     Finding everything? MRS. GREYES     Oh, yes.  This is the best ... um... anchovy paste.  Just what I was looking for. MISS FRITTEN     Just lovely! SCARRICK     Perhaps you ladies could help me.  I was thinking of adding a little entertainment to the shop. MRS. GREYES     Oh? SCARRICK     I did have a sort of idea of engaging Miss Luffcombe to give recitations during afternoons; she made a great hit at the Post Office entertainment with her rendering of 'Little Beatrice's Resolve'. MISS FRITTEN     [very uncertain] Oh, that would be ...just ... lovely. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS ODDLY SCARRICK     What? SOUND     ODD FOOTSTEPS ENTER SCARRICK     [excusing himself] Your pardon. SOUND     SCARRICK GOES TO THE COUNTER MRS. GREYES     [whispered] Perhaps we should just do our shopping here. MISS FRITTEN     But I'm in my best hat! MRS. GREYES     Shh! Shh!  Look at that! MISS FRITTEN     What an odd looking boy.  Brown as a nut, but we've not had sun in weeks! MRS. GREYES     And those clothes.  Like something out of the Arabian nights! SOUND     CLANG BOY     [accented now] Six pomegranates, please, and a packet of quail seed. MISS FRITTEN     What's the bowl for? MRS. GREYES     To carry the pomegranates? MISS FRITTEN     Why not a string bag? MRS. GREYES     Allergies?  Shh! SCARRICK     [business as usual]   Here you are.  We have some lovely pomegranates. MISS FRITTEN     He doesn't even look surprised! MRS. GREYES     The boy must have been here before. SOUND     COIN SKITTERING, CAUGHT BOY     The wine and figs were not paid for yesterday.  Keep what is over of the money for our future purchases. SCARRICK     [formal and serious] As you wish.  SOUND     BOY LEAVES, DOOR SHUTS SOUND     SKITTERING OF LADIES FEET MISS FRITTEN     [to Scarrick, hinting] A very strange-looking boy? SCARRICK     [final]  A foreigner, I believe. MRS. GREYES     Does he shop here often?  Surely there can't be much call for ...quail seed... at this time of year. SCARRICK     It takes all sorts. SOUND     DOOR OPENS SOUND     HEAVY OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS MISS FRITTEN     [gasp] MRS. GREYES     Oh!  [covering her consternation]  Oh, I forgot those bootlaces!  [hissed] Come on! SOUND     THEY SKITTER AWAY MAN     [accented] I wish for a pound and a half of the best coffee you have. SCARRICK     [wary] Certainly sir. MRS. GREYES     Look at that beard! MISS FRITTEN     Like a comedy Russian. MRS. GREYES     No, more like an ancient Assyrian. MISS FRITTEN     Who do you think he is? MAN     [suspicious] Has a dark-faced boy been here buying pomegranates? SCARRICK     Can't say that I've seen anyone like that. MRS. GREYES     Oh!  [muffles self] MISS FRITTEN     [whispered]  How could he! SCARRICK     [offhanded] We have a few pomegranates in stock, but there has been no real demand for them. MAN     My servant will fetch the coffee as usual SOUND     COIN SKITTERS, HEAVY FEET START TO WALK AWAY, THEN STOP MAN     [very importantly] Have you, perhaps, any quail seed? GREYES AND FRITTEN [gasp] SCARRICK     [unhesitating] No.  we don't stock it. SOUND     FEET WALK AWAY MRS. GREYES     [whispered] What will he deny next? MISS FRITTEN     And I always believed Mr. Scarrick to be such a truthful man.  Heavens! He just presided at a lecture on Savonarola. SOUND     DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES MRS. GREYES     Don't let's bother about the 3.12.  Let's dash, and talk this out at Laura Lipping's MISS FRITTEN      Perhaps we should buy a few things first.  Since we're here. MUSIC SOUND     TEA MISS FRITTEN     [recounting lusciously] Turning up the deep astrakhan collar of his long coat, the stranger swept out of the shop, with the air of a Satrap proroguing a Sanhedrim. MRS. LIPPING     Do Satraps prorogue? MISS FRITTEN     [coldly superior] Have you ever seen one that didn't? GLORIA     I don't even know what a Sanhedrim is.  Is it a dance? MISS FRITTEN     It is a simile and hardly matters.  Or do I mean an allegory? MRS. GORDON     And the boy? MRS. GREYES     I should have though him Greek, but after seeing that beard-- MRS. LIPPING     They could have been unrelated. MISS FRITTEN     Unrelated?  And both asking for "quail seed"?  Mark my words.  There's something afoot. MRS. GREYES     What bothers me most is this unprecedented streak of falsity in our local grocer! GLORIA     I've never known Mr. Scarrick to prevaricate like that before! MRS. GREYES     It's the influence of that artist that took the flat above the shop.  Mark my words.  [importantly] Bohemian. MRS. GORDON     [tragically] I shall never again be able to believe what he tells me about the absence of colouring matter in the jam. MUSIC SOUND     DOOR, BELL SOUND     BROOM LUCY     Jimmy? JIMMY     Here. LUCY     Goodness, it looks like a tornado touched down. JIMMY     Fabulous, isn't it? LUCY     But, what happened? JIMMY     This afternoon, from tea onwards, we had a constant stream of shoppers.  LUCY     Is this something to do with the odd individuals who may or may not have been in this afternoon? JIMMY     [overly innocent] Whom do you refer to? LUCY     Come on!  It's all over town.  People talked about it at tea, and more people talked about it at supper.  I expect they're all talking about it over Bridge even as we speak.  The dark young man and the Beard.  JIMMY     Sounds a bit like a music hall act. LUCY     [speculatively] Yes... yes, it does.... MUSIC AMBIENCE     SHOP [MANY CUSTOMERS] MISS SMITH     Is this the freshest jar of pickles? JIMMY     Miss?  I suppose so. MISS SMITH     It looks a little dusty. JIMMY     That would be my fault-- SCARRICK     [commanding] Jimmy!     JIMMY     So sorry, must jump. MISS FRITTEN     [whispered]  Do you think they will return? MRS. GREYES     I have it on good authority someone's rented that house at the far end of Plummergen. MISS FRITTEN     But why should they come all this way to shop? MRS. GREYES     [knowing] Plummergen drapers don't stock quail seed.  MISS FRITTEN     [getting it] Ah! SOUND     REGISTER NOISE SCARRICK     That will be three shillings and four pence. SOUND     COINS MRS. LIPPING     I'm looking for something interesting for a savory.  Have you any-- SOUND     GENERAL HUSH MRS. LIPPING     [nervous] --any, um-- SCARRICK     [as if nothing is amiss]  I have some pickled olives.  Imported from turkey. MRS. LIPPING     Yes, anything. SOUND     JAR SET DOWN, CASH REGISTER SOUND     JABBER BEGINS AGAIN SOUND     DOOR OPENS, BELL, JABBER SLOWLY DIES AWAY. SILENCE SOUND     BOY WALKS IN. SOUND     BOWL SET DOWN. SCARRICK     [normal]  What can I get for you today? BOY     I require a pound of honey. SOUND     BREATH BEING LET OUT ALL OVER BOY     and - [quieter] and a packet of quail seed. SOUND     GENERAL INTAKE OF BREATH, GIGGLE QUICKLY MUFFLED SCARRICK     Very good, sir. SOUND     CONVERSATIONS, FORCED LAUGHTER, BUT MUTED, LISTENING MISS FRITTEN     [excited whisper] We might be living in the Arabian Nights. MRS. GREYES     Hush! Listen! SOUND     THINGS PLACED INTO BOWL, BOWL REMOVED, BOY STARTS TO LEAVE. SOUND     QUICK FOOTSTEPS JIMMY     [hurried, fraught with meaning] We have some very fine Jaffa oranges.  Around behind here. SOUND     QUICK SHUFFLE OF FEET SOUND     DOOR OPENS, MAN STRIDES IN. SOUND     GASPS SCARRICK     [unperturbed]  What may I get for you today, Sir? MAN     A pound of dates and a tin of the best Smyrna halva. MISS FRITTEN     Halva?  What is that? MRS. GREYES     It comes from Smyrna - that's figs, isn't it, Smyrna is? GLORIA     Who would want dates AND figs? MRS. LIPPING     Hush. SCARRICK     There you are.  MAN     hmm [evaluating noise]  Yes. SOUND     COINS DROPPED MAN     Has the dark-faced boy, of whom I spoke yesterday, been here to-day? GLORIA     [stifled squeak of excitement] SCARRICK     We've had rather more people than usual in the shop to-day... but I can't recall a boy such as you describe. SOUND     [gasps] MRS. GREYES     [satisfied] Didn't we say? MISS FRITTEN     It's too too terrible. MUSIC TEA MRS. GREYES     It is deplorable that anyone - particularly someone in a position such as Mr. Scarrick -should treat the truth as an article temporarily and excusably out of stock. MISS FRITTEN     More quail seed!  Those quails must be voracious!  [realizing]  or else... perhaps it isn't quail seed at all. MRS. GREYES     I believe it's opium, and the bearded man is a detective. MRS. LIPPING     I don't.  I'm sure it's something to do with the Portuguese Throne. MISS FRITTEN      More likely to be a Persian intrigue on behalf of the ex-Shah.  The bearded man belongs to the Government Party. The quail-seed is a countersign, of course; Persia is almost next door to Palestine, and quails come into the Old Testament, you know. GLORIA     [exasperated] Only as a miracle.  [knowing] I've thought all along it was part of a love intrigue. MRS. LIPPING     I distinctly saw a snarl of baffled rage as the man departed, sandwiched between that heavy moustache and upturned astrakhan collar. GLORIA     I can’t imagine that that boy is the guilty party here.  Much more likely he's simply perishing of love for someone - perhaps the daughter of the beard, but the match is quite unsuitable-- MISS FRITTEN     Honey and pomegranates - of course!!! MUSIC SHOP, NIGHT, QUIET SOUND     DOOR, BELL JIMMY     [calling from off] Closed! LUCY     I know, mutton head. JIMMY     Oh, Lucy! SOUND     BROOM DOWN, STEPS LUCY     Another busy day? JIMMY     The busiest.  Another day or two of brisk trade and we'll be--[cut off with a gasp] SOUND     KISS LUCY     [laughing] I was here today, you know. JIMMY     [uneasy] Oh? LUCY     [indulgent] You were quite the hero.  Hustling that poor young man off behind the biscuit tins in the very nick of time. JIMMY     [flustered] Well, I have a good view of the street from my post at the cheese and bacon counter. LUCY     [pouty] Jimmy.  Have you EVER known me to gossip? JIMMY     You, Lucy?  I don’t think so. LUCY     Quite a vote of confidence. JIMMY     I didn’t mean that-- [sigh] No.  No I've never known you to gossip. LUCY     Let me in, then!  Perhaps there's something I can do to help? MUSIC PUB SCARRICK     It was quite marvelous!  And we sold out of that blasted Halva. MAN     It looked crowded, but were they actually buying? SCARRICK      They bought and bought - some came back three or four times, just to have an excuse to linger.  BOY     "Oh, I forgot" and "silly me, one more thing." SCARRICK     exactly.  Even those women whose purchases were of modest proportions dawdled over them as though they had, uh-- MAN     Brutal, drunken husbands to go home to? SCARRICK     [chuckles] I've even had to take on a couple of extra assistants for tomorrow. MUSIC STORE - BUSY MISS FRITTEN     What do you think?  Is this bowl anything like the one that young gentleman carries? MRS. GREYES     Nonsense.  His is brass.  Or bronze, perhaps.  That one is copper. MISS FRITTEN     Still, it's got a lovely patina. MRS GORDON     Ducks? SCARRICK     [distracted] Pardon? MRS GORDON     Ducks?  I found a lovely recipe for Bombay duck, and was wondering if a domestic duck would suffice. SCARRICK     I suspect that ducks are much the same the world over-- [small gasp] SOUND     DOOR OPENS, BELL GENERAL EXPECTANT HUSH MRS GORDON     oh! SCARRICK     You'll excuse me. SOUND     BOY'S FOOTSTEPS, SCARRICK MEETS HIM SCARRICK     Sir?  BOY     Yes? SCARRICK     [overtly confidential]  I must warn you-- SOUND     [gasps] SCARRICK     [as if saying something else] We have run out of quail seed. MRS GORDON     Oh nO! BOY     [shocked and disappointed] Oh.  I should-- I must-- SOUND     SCUTTLING FEET JIMMY     [excited]  We do have some much finer oranges today, if you want to step over here. BOY     [dramatic gasp] SOUND     BOY RUNS MISS FRITTEN     [whispered] Watch the door! SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN, BELL SOUND     OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS MRS. GORDON      [voice over] I found my self sub-consciously repeating "The Assyrian came down like a wolf on the fold" under my breath. SCARRICK     [very tense]  Ah.  Coffee again today sir?  Perhaps figs? MAN     I am looking for-- LUCY     [in disguise, foreign sounding]  Jaffa oranges, I think. MAN     What? MRS GREYES     [voiceover] She slithered out of the aisle like the lady in the lake. LUCY     Your Excellency does his shopping himself? MAN     [suspicious] I order the things myself.  I find it difficult to make my servants understand. MISS FRITTEN     [voiceover]  How ever did we miss a mysterious veiled lady, right in the midst of us all? LUCY     I was saying... They have some excellent Jaffa oranges here.  [tinkling laugh] SOUND     HER FEET TAP AWAY TO THE DOOR, BELL MAN     [considering] Hmph.  MRS. GORDON     [gasp] MAN     You! SCARRICK     [tense] Yes? MAN     You have, perhaps, some good Jaffa oranges? GLORIA     [voiceover] Everyone expected an instant denial on the part of Mr. Scarrick of any such possession, but before he could answer‑‑ BOY     No! SOUND     RUNNING FEET, DOOR, BELL MISS FRITTEN     [voiceover] Holding his empty brass bowl before him he dashed into the street. His face was masked with studied indifference SOUND     THE VOICEOVERS START TO FADE INTO TEA MRS GREYES     Overspread with ghastly pallor! MRS. LIPPING     I would call it blazing with defiance. GLORIA     How defiant could he be!  He was so terrified his teeth chattered! MRS. GORDON     I distinctly heard him whistling the Persian National Hymn. MISS FRITTEN     But the bearded man - his face was a mask of abject terror! MRS GREYES     I thought he would dash out after the boy, but he just paced to and fro like a caged animal - seeking an outlet for escape. GLORIA     He couldn't take his eyes off the door. MRS GORDON     Did he ever come back for his purchases?  Or send his servant? MISS FRITTEN     I've not had the nerve to ask Mr. Scarrick.  The whole thing was so ...  overwhelming. MUSIC LUCY     It was so overwhelming.  Trying not to laugh while watching all their faces. JIMMY     You did a fabulous job. LUCY     You like me in a veil? JIMMY     I can think of a veil I'd like to see you in. LUCY     [interested, pleased] Really? JIMMY     Mm-hmm  [yes] SOUND     KISS MUSIC PUB SCARRICK     I can never thank you fellows enough. MAN     We enjoyed the fun of it.  [laughs, then  talks like beard]  And the figs. BOY     It was a welcome vacation from posing for hours for 'The Lost Hylas' MAN     You just have to sit still.  I'm the one who has to make you look good. SCARRICK     What do I owe you? MAN     No, no.  It was far too entertaining.  BOY     We did get all those lovely pomegranates. SCARRICK     At any rate... I insist on paying for the hire of the black beard. END

A new story chased by our best friends at the Weekly Bugle. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Leona  - Robyn Keyes Theo "Smoothie" Walsh - Henry Mark Chief - Julie Hoverson Forsythe Dickman III - Mark Olson Farmer Hadley - Garr Godfrey Daisy - Cailean Evedus Bartender - Charles Austin Miller Desk Clerk - Brown Monkey’s Old dude Second Demon - Sherman bear Reporters - Bryan, Wes, and Uncle Randy of Drunken Zombie, plus Brown Monkey Music by  John Woodward Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Les Clay   "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a familiar newsroom, can't you tell?" ******************************************************************** A Telegram ...to Satan! Cast: Leona Theo "Smoothie" Walsh Chief Forsythe Dickman III Reporters Farmer Hadley Daisy LuLu Reporters OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a tabloid bullpen, can't you tell?  MUSIC Scene 1.    SOUND     PEOPLE ON PHONES, moving through the room REPORTER JUNE    How many mummies? [dubious] Uh... we can't send a photographer for less than eight. REPORTER BOB    So can we quote you on the health benefits of nude white water rafting? REPORTER KATHY    We just want to give you a chance to tell your side of the story, doctor... REPORTER FRED    And when the wax was ripped away, it left an image of jesus in your chest hair? Scene 2.    CHIEF    Shut the door. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS THEO    Where's Leona? CHIEF    She'll be here in a minute.  Wanted to say something to you first… just the two of us. THEO     [a little worried] Yeah? CHIEF    You're a cute young guy, Theo... THEO    [starting to panic] Uh... CHIEF    You seeing anyone right now? THEO    I'm kind of ...married to the news. CHIEF    I know the feeling. THEO    Uh...! CHIEF    It's a nice sentiment, but you can’t let the news rule your life, sweetheart. THEO    Uh.  When is Leona gonna get here? CHIEF    What are you doing on Friday night? THEO    Uh... Uh... I ... CHIEF    Cause my niece really really needs someone to take her to her senior prom, and I figure if you're married to the news, you're about as safe as they get. THEO    [relieved] Oh!  ah!  I can clear Friday night. CHIEF    It's either you or Forsythe Dickman the third, and I really don't want that greasy bastard within a city block of my poor little Aida. THEO    Who? CHIEF    But you didn't hear that from me. SOUND    DOOR OPENS THEO    Dickman? DICKMAN    Yeah. THEO    [gasp]  Oh!  I thought it would be Leona. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS CHIEF    Smoothie Walsh, meet Forsythe Dickman the third.  His grandpa just picked up half the business. DICKMAN    Things are gonna run a little different around here. THEO    Oh.  Is that good? CHIEF    [insincere] Sure it is.  We're just tickled to death to have some new blood in at the managerial level. SOUND    DOOR OPENS LEONA    Oh. SOND    DOOR SHUTS AGAIN THEO    Leona--?  She left. CHIEF    Musta forgot something. DICKMAN    Is that Leona Pope?  [chuckle nastily]  I think she remembered something. THEO    Should I ...go? CHIEF    No, I was about to drop a lead on you.  DICKMAN    I hope you have something good. CHIEF    Oh, are you staying? DICKMAN    Gramps wants me to learn the tabloid business from the very bottom.  So yeah, I'm staying. MUSIC Scene 3.    AMB    ROOF SOUND    LIGHTER, SMOKING THEO    [off] Leona? LEONA    Are you alone? THEO    Uh, yeah. LEONA    Come on up, then. THEO    That's a little far out on the ledge, isn't it? LEONA    It's the only place for miles around that's far enough from a door to legally smoke. THEO    Oh.  [beat] We have an assignment. LEONA    We as in you and me, or is there more "we" than I'm aware of? THEO    Uh, no.  Were you expecting someone? LEONA    [sigh]  I'll come down. MUSIC Scene 4.    SOUND    IN CAR LEONA    What's the story? THEO    I was about to ask you the same thing. LEONA    [grr] The story we're supposed to go and get. THEO    Oh!  Cattle mutilation.  It's a bit of a drive. LEONA    And Dickman? THEO    No.  He's got a story of his own. LEONA    Which is? THEO    [a bit envious] The Weed-Whacker killer. LEONA    Figures.  Dickman gets the latest serial sensation and we get cow guts. THEO    Well, it's actually-- LEONA    That jackass gets everything he wants.  Almost. THEO    Sounds like you have a history. LEONA    Used to have an entire curriculum. THEO    Huh? LEONA    [getting annoyed] History.  Chemistry.  Biology...  [disgusted] Drama.  MUSIC Scene 5.    AMB    FARM LEONA    Bucolic. THEO    I've never been on a farm before! LEONA    I've worked hard to avoid them myself. HADLEY    Hallooo!  You must be the folks from the World Bugle! THEO    Must we?  Ah, yes.  We must!  I mean, that's us! LEONA    [flat] Show us the cows. HADLEY    I'm Mr. Hadley, and this is Lulu. LULU    [goat] Maaaa. LEONA    Don't try and tell me that's a cow. HADLEY    No, no.  Lulu's a goat. They're better than dogs.  They can stand guard, fetch, and they're very loyal GOAT    Maaa. LEONA    You tell him.  Show us the cows. HADLEY    She can even fetch – here. THEO    A ball?  Should I throw it? HADLEY    Nah – just hold it up.  Fetch Lulu! LULU    MAAA! SOUND    THUMP THEO    Ow. HADLEY    And now she gets the ball.  Just a little goat humor. SOUND    BRUSHING OFF, GETTING UP THEO    [sigh] Tell us all about this problem you're having with your cattles being... mutilated. LEONA    Cattle is already plural. HADLEY    Come along and you can see for yourself. THEO    Ew?  I mean - it's been a couple of days.  Won't they be a bit ... ripe? LEONA    [musing] Really quick shutter.  THEO    What? LEONA    Catches all the flies in mid-flight. THEO    Ewwww.. HADLEY    Oh, are you thinking my cows are dead?  Oh. No.  Come on. MUSIC Scene 6.    LEONA    [stunned] And WHEN did this happen? THEO    How many are there? HADLEY    Five.  Bessie, Buttercup, Wilamina, Miss Amoorica, and Fred. LEONA    You have a cow named Fred? HADLEY    She's had a hard life. THEO    And all five of them have these... HADLEY    Big tattooed triangles.  Yep. LEONA    Does it go underneath, too, or just end there? HADLEY    Nope.  Each one has her entire left flank covered in this...ink. THEO    And it's not just paint? HADLEY    Nope.  LEONA    Humh.  Punk cows.  Next thing you know, they'll be going for nipple piercings. THEO    That would really be -- LEONA    [trying not to laugh] An udder mess. THEO    Ew.  This doesn't look like something that happened overnight. HADLEY    Nope.  Someone's a-sneaking in each night and doing it. LEONA    And they got THIS much done before you noticed? HADLEY    What can I say?  I'm a right-sided milker.  MUSIC Scene 7.    SOUND    WALKING IN MUD THEO    Ah, nature. LEONA    One thing you can say for nature.  It stinks. THEO    That's the smell of life! LEONA    No, it's the smell of the cowpie you just stepped in. THEO    Ew.  Hey look!  Someone's coming! LEONA    Is it Lulu? THEO    No!  [excited] It looks like a girl! LEONA    Can't you tell?  DAISY    [off, calling]  He-ey! THEO    Hiya! LEONA    [hissed, hinting]  Interview.  Witness.  Stay on task. THEO    What? SOUND    SLAP THEO    Right.  Hello, miss--? DAISY    [running up, panting]  I'm Daisy! THEO    Yeah?  LEONA    [hissed] Does she live near here? THEO    Do you--? DAISY    I'm just one farm over. THEO    Oh.  Good. LEONA    Does she know anything about the cows? DAISY    Huh? THEO    HuH? LEONA    Tell you what.  We're gonna play blindfold questions. DAISY    That sounds like fun! THEO    What?  [muffled] Hey, what are you doing? [clear again] But I can't see anything now! LEONA    That's the idea.  DAISY    Who are you folks anyway?  I never got a chance to-- THEO    We're from the World Bugle.  Investigating the cows. DAISY    Oh!  The tattoos? THEO    Yeah.  Are they happening at your farm too? LEONA    Turn to the left, just a bit.  THEO    Huh? LEONA    You're talking to her shoulder. THEO    Ah. DAISY    Well, no, ain't no one else in the valley having the same problem.  And no one can figure out how it's happening, nohow! THEO    No one knows how he's doing it? DAISY    He?  Do you know who it is? THEO    Just reporter shorthand.  Playing the odds.  [serious sounding] Most of these kind of... uh "perps" are male.  82%, in fact. LEONA    Nice fake. DAISY    Wow! THEO    Not that we rule anyone out.  You could even be the one doing this. DAISY    Not me!  I can't even draw a cow.  [sudden interest]  Who's that? LEONA    Who?  Shit!  My turn for the blindfold. SOUND    WHIP OF FABRIC THEO    [Baffled]  Leo?  What? Why are you tying that over your whole face? LEONA    [muffled] Shut up! DICKMAN    [coming on] Finally some sign of life out here in the hinterlands. DAISY    I dunno where hinter's land is.  Is he new around here? THEO    [getting it]  Oh!  Hi, Mr. Dickman. DICKMAN    You can call me Ace, kid. THEO    [chummy] And you can call me Theo, Ace. LEONA    [muffled] "Smoothie" THEO    Shh. DAISY    Can I call you Ace too?  You look kinda familiar.  Have we ever met? DICKMAN    So, kid, who's the chick in the turban? THEO    Oh, she's my new ... intern.  Uh, she's -uh- devout.  Can't show her face. DAISY    But she had it off-- LEONA    [zhagareet - high pitched warble] THEO    [running over]  We're very equal-opportunity at the world bugle, you see.  DAISY    Say, you look kinda like Clint Eastwood.  Are you related to Clint Eastwood? DICKMAN    [ignoring Daisy] Does she speak English, at least? THEO    Only to people she's been... properly introduced to.  It's very ...protective. DICKMAN    Doesn't make for much of a reporter.  THEO    [warming to his lie] That's why she's learning to take photographs instead.  [talking loud and slow like he's talking to someone foreign] Take picture now?  Show? LEONA    [muttered and muffled] I got something to show you-- THEO    [snap] Jasmine?  Take picture! LEONA    [sort of vaguely pakistani] oh, yess.  Picture take i. SOUND    SNAP DICKMAN    Hey!  You didn't need a flash!  It's broad daylight!  Right in my damn eyes. SOUND    SNAP LEONA    Many apologies! DAISY    Wanna take a picture of me? DICKMAN    [stalking closer] Hey!  That camera - it looks kinda familiar. THEO    [covering] Oh! They all look alike. LEONA    [panicking] uh -- No more talk.  Time to pray.  SOUND    DROP TO THE GROUND LEONA    [muttering, muffled] THEO    You better not bother her now.  She gets these breaks a - a bunch of times every day.  It's freedom of religion, man. DICKMAN    I'm sure I've seen her before.  And she ain't no -- THEO    ACE!  Don't use that kind of language!  [whispered] You could get us sued! LEONA    [MUTTERS LOUDER] DAISY    Can she take a picture of ME when she gets up? MUSIC Scene 8.    AMB    QUIET HOTEL ROOM THEO    That was kind of... LEONA    Mortifying? THEO    Well...  You don't know much about other cultures, do you? LEONA    I only had to fool him, and he knows less.  [annoyed] It's kind of like if you and I ever run into a lion - I don't have to outrun the lion... I just have to outrun you. THEO    Are there a lot of lions in - [getting it] Ohhh... [moment of awkward silence] LEONA    I suppose you're wondering about all this. THEO    No. LEONA    It's the most embarrassing episode of my life. THEO    Oh.  I wouldn't want to pry. LEONA    Back when I was young and foolish. THEO    [astonished] You were young? LEONA    And that disgusting hunk of manhood swept me off my girlish feet... THEO    [getting a bit weirded out] girlish? LEONA    He was so confident... THEO    Uh, Leona... LEONA    So self assured... THEO    Come on, Leona. LEONA    And when he walked away that dark and stormy morning, leaving me lying in a puddle of my own tears...  THEO    Please stop. LEONA    [snarl] He walked away with the best scoop I'd ever had.  THEO    [relieved sigh] Oh! LEONA    That's why you can't tell him anything about our story.  Not one iota. THEO    Why would I, I don't plan to-- LEONA    He'll knock on the door any minute now. SOUND    KNOCK THEO    Wow! LEONA    Take him to the bar.  THEO    But what do I do? LEONA    Get him drunk.  Keep him talking. SOUND    DOOR CHAIN LEONA    [sharp whisper] Oh, and while you’re distracting him— THEO    Distracting? LEONA    Yeah.  See if you can steal his story! MUSIC Scene 9.    AMB    BAR DICKMAN    This is the life, eh?  Just us guys.  Us reporters.  No one understands the loneliness… THEO    Uh, yeah. DICKMAN    The mantle of responsibility we don every day--   THEO    Really? DICKMAN    Our responsibility to the public!  To keep them informed.  THEO    Oh!  Is that why your – uh – family bought into the World bugle? DICKMAN    Nah.  Grandad just loves Ratboy.  THEO    Oh.  [trying to be subtle]  So...how goes it with the weed-whacker? DICKMAN    [suspicious] Hey – you trying something? THEO    No!  Just  thought… uh… I might be able to [uncertain] Help? DICKMAN    I don’t need any help. THEO    But I might have heard something.  A lead. DICKMAN    [skeptical] Reeeeally? THEO    Oh, yeah.  [warming to it]  I overheard something.  Recently.  About –uh – [lost, then bright idea] about someone buying a lot of weed whackers! DICKMAN    Really?  And what could possibly make you think that he would need more than one weed whacker? THEO    He? DICKMAN    Playing the odds.  82% of these perps are male, you know. THEO    Oh, yeah.  I know. DICKMAN    [intimidating] But what made you say that? THEO    Its just what I heard!  Really! DICKMAN    [relenting]  Cuz that’s a detail the police have insisted on keeping back from the public.  THEO    Oh! MUSIC HOTEL CLERK    May I help you? LEONA    [talking in a fake deep voice] Package for Mr. Dickmam.  What room is he in? HOTEL CLERK    I can accept that for him. LEONA    No. uh – it’s special delivery.  From the head office. HOTEL CLERK    I can page him. LEONA    Can’t wait.  Must stay… refrigerated.  Plus, he’s probably out on assignment-- HOTEL CLERK    I think he’s just over in the bar. LEONA    [sigh, drops the voice]  Fifty bucks? SOUND    MONEY SLAPPED ON TABLE, SCOOPED UP HOTEL CLERK    [low response] Here’s the spare key.  Have a nice day! MUSIC Scene 10.    AMB    BAR THEO    --And he woke up with a donkey’s head! DICKMAN    What, like in the bed next to him? THEO    No, this is Shakespeare, not the Godfather!  Like his head was a donkey’s head. DICKMAN    [musing] Shakespeare WAS the original godfather.  I think you might have a story there. THEO    Still not as good as yours! DICKMAN    When you been in the biz as long as I have… SOUND    PHONE RINGS, ANSWERED BARTENDER    No, sorry.  We don’t serve those here. DICKMAN    [nasty laugh] Must be talking about your “sidekick.” THEO    Ew! BERTENDER    Oh, someone NAMED Smoothie.  I’ll check.  [up] Is there a-- THEO    [quick, sharp] It’s for me! DICKMAN    Smoothie? THEO    Code name.  Top secret.  [to phone]  Yeah?  Yeah!  Oh yeaaaaahhhhh. SOUND    HANGS UP DICKMAN    Yeah? THEO    Yeah.  Gotta go.  The –uh- cows came home. MUSIC Scene 11.    AMB    NIGHT, PASTURE THEO    We always seem to end up outside in the dark waiting for dangerous people. LEONA    That’s where the stories are. THEO    Did you find out anything? LEONA    Just that he’s got nothing.  [chuckles] THEO    Isn’t that bad for the paper?  I mean, they still need stories! LEONA    Puppy.  [gasp]  Look! THEO    Lights!  Is it aliens? LEONA    Coleman. THEO    Who’s Coleman? LEONA    A lamp.  It’s just the farmer.  He must have the same idea we do. THEO    We do? LEONA    To keep watch until the vandal shows up. THEO    Would this fall under vandalism?  Hmm…  I guess cows count as property. LEONA    Shh!  Look! THEO    He’s just going in to check on them. SOUND    Mooooo THEO    That didn’t sound happy. LEONA    They’re cows.  They don’t really “do” happy. THEO    Hey, where’s Lulu? LEONA    Lulu? THEO    The goat- he said she follows him everywhere. LEONA    I dunno.  Sleeping? THEO    Let’s get closer to the barn. MUSIC Scene 12.    AMB    BARN THEO    [whispering] I told you there was something wrong with a man who would leave his goat behind! LEONA    If I had a nickel for every time I've heard… SOUND    Bzz.  Mooooo! THEO    [standing up]  How dare you! LEONA    Oh, boy. HADLEY/DEMON    Who dares disturb me at my work. THEO    Uh… does he sound different? LEONA    I’ll be in the bushes – uh – stall. HADLEY/DEMON    Come forward, mortal. THEO    uh-- LEONA    He means you.  [uh - pushing him] SOUND    PUSH, HE STUMBLES FORWARD THEO    [whisered] What do I do? LEONA    Interview him.  It.  Nah, think of it as a him – less scary that way. HADLEY/DEMON    What do you want? THEO    [gulp] I -- want to hear your side of the story! HADLEY/DEMON    Story? THEO    Uh, clearly you’re doing something here – and very artistically, I might add – but I can’t imagine a … s-something, such as yourself doing it for no reason.  You must have a … a purpose.  The people want to know! LEONA    [hissed] step to the left! THEO    Huh? LEONA    You’re blocking my shot! HADLEY/DEMON    You think you will shoot me?  Muhahahaha!  Mortal bullets will have no effect! THEO    no!  no!  not shot shot.  Just picture shot. LEONA    [whispered] Stay in the light - in case he eviscerates you. HADLEY/DEMON    Pictures, yes.  I make pictures too. THEO    Right!  What are they for? HADLEY/DEMON    For?  They are a summoning!  When the ring is complete, he will come! THEO    [shock and awe] Satan? HADLEY/DEMON    [matter of fact] Nonsense, he’s much too busy.  That’s why I’m here.  [demony again] NO!  It is the renegade that I am here to summon.  I have been placed in his path and he will be mine!  SOUND    CAMERA CLICKS HADLEY/DEMON    [petulant]  If some people will go away and leave me to my work. THEO    maybe we can help? LEONA    [whispered] Ixnay!  Otnay our Objay! HADLEY/DEMON    Help?  You? THEO    I mean, if you will spend a little time maybe telling us more about what you’re doing? HADLEY/DEMON    Hmm…. [thinks long] Which do you think is my good side? MUSIC Scene 13.    AMB    OUTSIDE, DAY THEO    We should tell him!  He must have been drugged, or delusional, or sleepwalking! LEONA    [assured]  Possessed. THEO    or sleepwalking. LEONA    Possessed makes for a better story. THEO    Oh.  LEONA    Did you have the mini recorder with you? THEO    Uh, no. LEONA    Dammit Smoothie! THEO    I did ... something else with it. LEONA    What? THEO    Let me see if it worked first. LEONA    [sigh] whatever.  What’s important is to figure out what questions to ask this demon possessor when we talk to him tonight. THEO    Tonight? LEONA    Meanwhile, we can get some quality time with the girls. THEO    Girls?  You mean like Daisy? LEONA    No, I mean like Fred. MUSIC Scene 14.    AMB    BARN SOUND    Moos THEO    Oh, those girls. LEONA    Shh.  You’ll put them off. THEO    What are we doing here? LEONA    Getting glamour shots.  What else?  Move that one in behind the one with the white ear. THEO    Why don’t we ask farmer Hadley to help with this?  I don’t know anything about cow maneuvers. DICKMAN    [off, hding]  [Laughs] LEONA    [starts to laugh, then cuts it off with a snarl] THEO    Holy cow! LEONA    Five of them.  Come out, Dick. DICKMAN    Leona?  And here I thought you’d converted. THEO    Maybe I should leave you two alone? LEONA    Yeah.  I’m a transformer.  {nyea-uh-uh-ow – transformer noise]  Just call me optimus kick your ass. THEO    Help me out, Fred,  They’re not listeneing. SOUND    MOO, LICK THEO    Ew. [up]  We should go back to the – things to do – back at the hotel? LEONA    No.  I want to know why this notorious poacher is hanging around our story?  Could it be because he’s stumped on his own? DICKMAN    Im never stumped.  I’m [thinks, then nasty triumph] I’m multitasking! LULU    [outside]  Maaaaa THEO    Hey guys, here comes Lulu!  Better be nice. DICKMAN    Who’s LuLu?  Is she that dishy Barbie in the teensy cutoffs from yesterday? LEONA    [chuckles] Nah, she’s even more perfect for you.  DICKMAN    [suggestive] Hot, stupid and has a great story? LEONA    [taking it personally]  I was never hot – I mean, I was never STUPID! SOUND    DOOR OPENS THEO    [loudly, trying to break up the fight] Oh, Farmer Hadley!  Lulu!  How nice to see you both! LEONA    Here Dickman.  Hold this.  Lulu, fetch! LULU    Maaaa! DICKMAN    What’s with the ball?  Ow! SOUND    THUMP, BODY DROP MUSIC Scene 15.    AMB    BARN, NIGHT THEO    He said he’d explain the whole thing tonight. LEONA    Smacks of super villain rhetoric. THEO    Huh? LEONA    You know, all that “Before I kill you, Mister Bond” crap. THEO    Kill? HADLEY/DEMON    Oh, yes, I am here to kill. THEO    [gasp!] LEONA    [gasp] I’ll be in the hayloft. HADLEY/DEMON    {chuckles]  I thought you might like a sound bite for your show. THEO    Uh, we’re print news. HADLEY/DEMON    Too bad.  That would have been sweet. THEO    But we do have a website! LEONA    But he wasn’t recording. HADLEY/DEMON    [disgruntled] Well, stay out of my way, then. THEO    You said tonight you would reveal all. LEONA    I’ll get the wide angle lens. HADLEY/DEMON    Tonight I will return an escaped soul back to hell!!! LEONA    Is his name Dickman? HADLEY/DEMON    He’s not an escapee.  But we have him on our radar. THEO    Ew. LEONA    Good. HADLEY/DEMON    No, this is a soul that escaped and is even now cutting a swath across the country! THEO and LEONA    [unison]  The weed-whacker!? LEONA    [musing] Scooping him is almost better than sending him to hell… HADLEY/DEMON    These cows are the living, breathing summoning spell.  Watch as I circle them up, nose to tail-- LEONA    Facing widdershins, I see. THEO    Huh? LEONA    Anti-clockwise? THEO    Oh. HADLEY/DEMON    It’s a satanic thing. THEO    Ahh. LEONA    Omigod! HADLEY/DEMON    [slightly offended] Please! LEONA    Just an interjection.  I see it all now!  I relaly do need to get up into the hayloft! THEO    Why? HADLEY/DEMON    Why don’t you both go up there and observe? THEO    Uh, okay. LEONA    Come on! SOUND    CLIMBING LADDER HADLEY/DEMON    [begins the chant]  loren ipsum dolar sit amat… THEO    What am I supposed to see? LEONA    Look down! SOUND    SNAPPING PHOTOS, THROUGHOUT THEO    Uh...Cows. LEONA    and? THEO    Oh!  Oh, wow!  When they’re all in a circle like that, with the tattooed triangles on the inside, it makes-- LEONA    A pentagram.  Yeah.  Trippy. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, OFF THEO    Did you hear that? LEONA    Hear what? SIOUND    CAMERA STILL CLICKING AWAY THEO    I’ll go check. LEONA    [absorbed in her work] Yeah, yeah. SOUND    CREAKING AS THEO MOVES THEO    [muttered] I think it was over … here? DICKMAN    [muffled a bit, dictating]  Investigating strange noises in the barn, hoping that the killer was hiding out, I courageously – no, scratch that – with no thought for my own safety, just the safety of the world, I pressed on. THEO    [to self] Oh, heck!  [quiet, calling]  Leona? LEONA    [snapped hiss] Busy. THEO    Oh, boy… SOUND    OTHER DOOR SLAMS OPEN HADLEY/DEMON    [Cuts off in mid-sentence]  [dramatic] You! WW DEMON    [dramatic] Yes, it is I! HADLEY/DEMON    [matter of fact] I’m here to take you home, Jerry. WW DEMON    I don’t wanna. HADLEY/DEMON    Too bad.  Get in the box. WW DEMON    [huffy sigh]  Fine.  But I’m going because I want to and not because you told me to. HADLEY/DEMON    Yup.  Just like the last four times.  whatever. SOUND    SORT OF A WHISTLY NOISE DICKMAN    Is that it? HADLEY/DEMON    Yeah.   Why? DICKMAN    Seems anti-climactic. HADLEY/DEMON    Who do I look like?  Peter Jackson?  Gotta go, then.  [to Leona] One mor pic before I drop this carcass? SOUND    CLICK DICKMAN    [stunned] You! LEONA    [sneering] You!  THEO    Uh, guys--! SOUND    WEIRD SWIRLY NOISE DICKMAN    This is my story, Leo.  But I'll let you in as my photographer. THEO    Guys??? LEONA    I'll give you a shot.  But not from my camera! SOUND    WEIRD SWIRLY NOISE GETS LOUDER THEO    I'll be in the bushes. SOUND    WEIRD SWRILY EXPLOSION Scene 16.    EXPLOSION TURNS INTO "on tape" SOUND    CLICK, turns off CHIEF    [concerned] Is Leona's film okay? THEO    Oh, yeah.  It was the weirdest thing, too - no one was actually hurt, but they all had this weird blackout period.  I guess I got away early enough to miss most of it, but even I don't rmember everything on the tape. CHIEF    Waitaminute - didn't you say in there somewhere that you didn't have your recorder on you? THEO    Uh, yeah...  SOUND    DOOR OPENS, LEONA ENTERS LEONA    Here's those photos. SOUND    SLAPS THEM DOWN CHIEF    [going through]  yeah, yeah. Yeah - OHHH!  Nice goat.  Yeah, yeah.  Cute.  Holy crap! LEONA    [chuckles] THEO    Hwat - what was that? CHIEF    I take it this compromising picture of Forsythe Dickman the third has some little part in why you got his story without him arguing at all? LEONA    [overly innocent] Nah - he just admitted that it was all one story from the beginning, and since we did all the work-- THEO    [confidential]  It was really hard, getting the goat to stand still for the picture! CHIEF    you didn't- uh - I mean, that poor goat! LEONA    Nah, once we got her into the tutu - it's all in the lighting.  THEO    Was harder to dress Dickman. CHIEF    Well, get out of here and write up your story-- My personal shopper Pierre is gonna be in here any minute - Wednesday is intimates. LEONA    Going.  Now. SOUND    THEY RUSH OUT Scene 17.    REPORTER FRED    Oh, please, you're the fourth Hitler sighting this week! REPORTER KATHY    Are you sure these tiny people who appear when you drink from your magic bottle aren't just ...uh... D-Ts? REPORTER BOB    And you're willing to wear that fur suit and infiltrate the secret hideout?  Do you know the paw-shake? SOUND    HANG UP PHONE REPORTER JUNE    [excited yell]  Aliens are landing in Branson!!!  They're demanding tickets for Dolly! END

Theo and Leona of the World Bugle (Team E-O to you) return for another scoop. (they originally appeared in Cultists Stole My Baby!) Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Theo - Henry Marks Leona - Robyn Keyes Chief - Julie Hoverson Larry - Dave Fontenot Baby Dali1 - Julie Hoverson Baby Dali2 - Risa Torres Baby Dali3 - Danar Hoverson Waitress - Sirena Raine Melody - Tanja Milojevic Harmony - Cailean Evedus Other Dalis - Marleigh Norton, Kat Pryde, Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard, Kimberly Gianopoulos, Kimberly Poole, Brittney Cruz Music by Josh Woodward Dali Song - Music by Reju (used under creative commons license), words by Arthur O'Shaugnessy, Sung by Julie Hoverson Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Julie Hoverson   "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an infamous newsroom, can't you tell?" **************************************************************************** Whatever Happened to Baby Dali? Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Chief Theo "Smoothie" Walsh Leona Pope Dali 1 Other Dalis Melody Harmony Waitress Larry Four Reporters OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a notorious Newsroom, can't you tell?  MUSIC SCENE 1 SOUND     bullpen REPORTER 1    So your sister said - oh, not YOUR sister, a NUN named SISTER. REPORTER 2    Drinking the vinegar counteracts the toxins in the system due to-- REPORTER 3    Fourteen people just vanished?  Were you on any mind-altering substances? REPORTER 4    Yes, if you spell it backwards it certainly does make the word-- SOUND    DOOR CLOSES THEO    Chief?  I - uh-- [breaks off in horror] SOUND    RUSTLE OF TAFFETA CHIEF    Whaddaya think? THEO    [freaked out] Are you... getting married?  [squeak] In white? LEONA    [quiet] Are you really asking? THEO    Uh-- CHIEF    Nah - scared ya didn't I? THEO    Uh-- CHIEF    Don't worry.  I'm still eligible. THEO    Uh--? LEONA    Back away.  Don't take your eyes off her.  CHIEF    Whaddaya think?  It's a little tight in the gut.  Gonna have to cut some of them carbs. THEO    [trying] Yeah.  That would do it. CHIEF    At least I got the shoulders to pull off strapless.  Hey, where you going? THEO    Uh--! LEONA    Eager to get to work.  You know these young pups. CHIEF    Good attitude.  Interview room 3. THEO    Oh, good! LEONA    [side of her mouth] Quick. SCENE 2 SOUND    DOOR SHUTS THEO    what was that? LEONA    It's June. THEO    And? LEONA    Happens about this time every year. THEO    Why? LEONA    Bridal feature pull-out?  I don't know! [hissed] I don't ask!  [commanding]  Room 3. THEO    Oh, right. SOUND     DOOR OPENS LEONA    You go first. THEO    Right.  [a beat]  Holy cow!  It's her! LEONA    Chief doesn't move that fast.  Especially in a train. THEO    No, I mean - I mean - It IS you, isn't it? DALI 1    Is it safe here? THEO    Why does everyone ask that? LEONA    Who does he think you are? DALI 1    I'm - I'm Baby Dali. THEO    I knew it!  I love your music. LEONA    We don't do publicity stunts.  C'mon, Smoothie. SOUND    HUSTLES HIM OUT OF ROOM, DOOR SHUTS THEO    We don't? LEONA    Of course we do.  When we arrange them.  Part of our job - your job - is to protect the Bugle from being used for anyone ELSE's cheap publicity. THEO    Oh.  But Baby Dali's been missing for fourteen days! LEONA    Probably in rehab. THEO    No!  No one knows where she's been!  If we could break the story-- SCENE 3 LARRY    Hey!  You'll never guess who I just took a call from! THEO    Ratboy? LEONA    State mental health board? LARRY    [gloating] Baby Dali.  She's ready to come home, and called US to break the story! THEO    Wait, but she-- SOUND    SLAP LEONA    [covering] When did she call? LARRY    Just now. THEO    Where did she say she was? LARRY    Hah!  No way.  This is MY scoop!  [running away, laughing]  My ticket out of the bullpen!  [stops, turns back] Hah! THEO    That's ... sad. LEONA    Yeah.  Send a stripper.  Come on. THEO    Where are we going? LEONA    [exasperated] Room 3? THEO    Aha! SCENE 4 SOUND    DOOR OPENS LEONA    Sorry about that.  Had to do some quick fact checking. THEO    Yeah!  Make sure you're really.... [melting]  Really her. DALI 1    Precisely the problem!  Proving I'm her!  I mean me. LEONA    [muttered prompt] Oh?  THEO    [gasp] Oh? DALI 1    I'm plagued with posers! LEONA    [sigh]  Aren't the solid black sunglasses and white fright wig a bit of a giveaway? THEO    [infatuated] I knew who you were the moment I saw you. DALI 1    You have a nice face. THEO    I do? LEONA    My colleague will now take notes. SOUND    PEN, PAPER, SLAPPED DOWN THEO    Yeah.... MUSIC SCENE 5 SOUND    IN CAR THEO    Where are we going? LEONA    Following Larry. THEO    Who? LEONA    [disgusted sigh] THEO    [getting it] Oh, him!  How do we find him again? LEONA    He hasn't left yet.  THEO    How do you know? LEONA    I ordered donuts. DALI 1    Oh! LEONA    Shh.  You're not here, remember? DALI 1    [singing] I swear! THEO    Why is she hiding in the back seat under your gym bag? LEONA    One - so she won't be seen, since she won't take off that wig. DALI 1    It is my own hair! LEONA    Like hell.  I saw it shift. DALI 1    It is a wig - but it IS my own hair. LEONA    [shudder] uhhhhh. THEO    And two? LEONA    Two what? THEO    You said that was reason one.  What's two? LEONA    So you can focus, dumbass. THEO    Oh. LEONA    There he goes!  Keep your eyes on the green Camaro. THEO    Camaro? LEONA    [growl] Green car.  Coming out of the parking garage! THEO    Gotcha. MUSIC SCENE 6 AMB    PARK LARRY    [giving a code phrase] The dog flies in the springtime. DALI 2    [squeaky] Yellow is the color of my true love's eyes. LARRY    You sound... different. DALI 2    I use a voice modulator on stage. LARRY    Ah.  So.  The world is listening.  Tell me your story. DALI 2    Listening?  Aren't you from the print media? LARRY    Oh.  Yeah.  I was speaking figuratively. DALI 2    I see.  Anyway...  I have a really big story, but I have to be certain it will see print! LARRY    Of course! SOUND    FOOTSTEPS STORM UP DALI 1    Imposter! DALI 2    Imposter! LEONA    [off, whispered] I thought you were watching her! THEO    [vague] Uh-huh. LEONA    Go get the story dumbass.  THEO    But you? LEONA    I can take photos from here. THEO    [vague] Okay. SOUND    SLAP LEONA    Did I mention I'm not giving warnings any more? LARRY    [angry] You?  No way!  The tale of two Dalis is all mine! THEO    I - we - brought one of them. LARRY     Then dance with the Dali you came with!  It's only fair! DALI 1    She's a fake! DALI 2    She's a fake! THEO    Waitaminute.  You don't even sound like-- BOTH DALIS    Autotune!! DALI 3    [chiming in] Autotune. THEO    Oh. Huh?  Three? MUSIC SCENE 7 WAITRESS    All, righty then - that will be 3 orders of waffles, three fruit cups- ALL DALIS    It's the only thing vegan on the menu. WAITRESS    And two pots of coffee.  Comin right up! SOUND    DOOR OPENS SOUND    DINER NOISES SOUND    DOOR SHUTS, CUTTING OUT THE SOUND LEONA    [prompting]  Ok, this isn't going to last forever - someone will say something, eventually, and then these three won't be an exclusive any more! LARRY    Exclusive to all three of us.  I get my credit, too. THEO    Of course!  Fair is fair. LEONA    [muttered] I got your credit right here. DALI 1    Can we get on with this? DALI 2    I have a recording session in two hours. DALI 3    No, I do. DALI 1    How can they be so much like me? LEONA    Ask them some questions - figure out which is the real one. THEO    Right.  Ok.  Which of you is the real Baby Dali? ALL DALIS    I am. DALI 3    Or should I say [singing] I am me and no one else is. LARRY    Sounds convincing to me.  LEONA    I think that one's a guy. THEO    That doesn't help... there's been "speculation" about Dali. LEONA    [disgusted noise] Ugh!  At least let me get some snaps while you think. SOUND    TAKING PHOTOS THEO    Gee, they even pose alike. LARRY    I guess it will all come down to DNA. THEO    I don't think so.  Dali is a notorious germophobe, and a compulsive clean freak.  [nervously over explaining] According to her official web page, which I only browsed for informational newspaper business reasons. LARRY    Yeah, me too, but I didn't read much.  Those costumes are pretty skimpy. THEO    Don't be so creepy, not right in front of her - uh, them. SCENE 8 SOUND    DOOR KICKED IN THEO    Whoa!  LARRY    [faints] Uhhh... LEONA    I'll be in the... uh...  Corner. THEO    Stop right there! MELODY    You're not giving orders here! HARMONY    Yeah.  Get those hands up where we can see them. LEONA    Keep them talking, this is great.  THEO    Talking? LEONA    Find out what they want. THEO    They're dressed like ninjas.  MELODY    What did you say? THEO    Nothing!  MELODY    I heard you, and I have perfect pitch. THEO    oh.  Nothing ... uh... uncomplimentary. MELODY    [getting closer]  Do you know who we are? LEONA    Say no. THEO    Uh, no?  and - and I don't want to, because that way I can never identify you or even report you for robbing a waffle house! MELODY    [scoffing] Waffle house! HARMONY    We care nothing for your waffles.  THEO    Uh, ok. ALL DALIS    We're having the fruit cup. MELODY    No.  No fruit cup today.  You are coming with us.  Just you three. LEONA    You can't just leave us here.  We might-- [prompting] might--? THEO    Uh, what?  LEONA    We might [prompting] do something?  Ugh! THEO    We might tell [heavy import] THEM. MELODY    [horrified] How do you know about THEM? LEONA    I'm actually impressed. THEO    oh...  Everyone knows about THEM.  But only a select few know how to reach THEM. LEONA    Smoothie. MELODY    [grim]  right.  You will come with us as well.  HARMONY    What about the sleeping one?  Does he know THEM? LEONA    Oh, him?  He doesn't know anyone. MUSIC SCENE 9 SOUND    WALKING, ECHOEY MELODY    Stop! THEO    Can we take off the blindfolds now? MELODY    Harmony!  Take off the blindfolds.  And search them.  We don't want any messages getting to THEM. SOUND    RUSTLING ALL DALIS    [general interjections of annoyance like Hey!  Stop!  Ouch!  Ooh!] HARMONY    Give me your phone.  LEONA    Here. SOUND     ZIP HARMONY    What's this, in your bag?  [confused, examining a camera] It has a lens like a phone, but it's awfully big.  And it doesn't even have a keypad. LEONA    Hmph.  It's an antique.  Keepsake.  I keep meaning to have it mounted on a keychain. HARMONY    It's big for a keychain. LEONA    [exasperated]  I'll never lose my keys.  Besides, I still use the flash... uh - flashlight function sometimes.  See? SOUND    CAMERA SNAPS HARMONY    Oh.  Ok then.  And you. THEO    Be gentle. LEONA    [sarcastic aside] Be careful.  At least she left on the ninja mask.  [up, to Theo] find out what's going on. THEO    Harmony, is it?  A codename, I'm sure, since you and your partner there are clearly too smart to use your real names in front of your victims - I mean in front of civilians. HARMONY    [noncommittal grunt]  Hmph. THEO    All right.  I'm not asking for me, but what do you plan to do with the Baby Dalis?  I worry that something bad is going to happen. HARMONY    Nothing bad.  To them. THEO    That's a lower case "them," right?  Not a THEM them? MELODY    Enough chit-chat!  You probably know why we brought you here-- LEONA    Not a clue. THEO    No. MELODY    We are the Secret Protectorate Aligned to Reduce or Control Leaching of Entertainers. THEO    Leaching? Huh? MELODY    We needed an "L". LEONA    Sparcle? [snort of almost laughter] THEO    Tell me more.  I'm a good listener. MELODY    You don't know it, friend, but there's a celebrity crisis happening every 20 minutes, and no one else is trying to help! THEO    No?  Really? MELODY    That - those three - are proof of the latest perfidy the government has in the works. ALL DALIS    We are? MELODY    [definite] Cloning. THEO    Wow. ALL DALIS    Uh...  DALI 3    [panicked] I need to use the bathroom.  MUSIC SCENE 10  [Whispered conversation] DALI 1    Yes, my disappearance was a publicity stunt, and yes I am the real Baby Dali. LEONA    Heh heh - just like To Tell The Truth. DALI 2    What? LEONA    God I feel old. THEO    And the other two - you and ... her? DALI 2    Professional Dali impersonator.  I was just taking advantage of the vacuum left by her-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FEET ENTER DALI 3    [crying and running in] MELODY    Do not worry, Baby Dalis, we are only here to liberate you and facilitate your re-entry into society. LEONA    Like a celebrity dogpound. THEO    Wait! MELODY    What? THEO    Uh-- LEONA    Better make it truly, monumentally good. DALI 2    Way to take the pressure off. THEO    Uh, what if I were to tell you I'm a reporter for the Weekly World Bugle? MELODY    I would be forced to kill you. HARMONY    We're not yet ready to reveal our manifesto to the world. THEO    Ah.  Good thing that would have been a ruse, then, eh? LEONA    We're gonna die. THEO    But you have to ask yourself, then, how DO I know about THEM? Moment of silence MELODY    [cold] I don't have to ask anything. HARMONY    [shocked] Melody!  You know that we can't do that! [cut off] MELODY    Shh!!!  How do I even know that you know about THEM, eh? LEONA    I do not want to die at the hands of bimbos named after the bugaloos. THEO    [ominous but vague]  Do you know about the government connection? MELODY    [shocked] You know? THEO    But it's not who you think it is.  They want us to believe it's this department, or that [hinting] bureau, when ultimately... [trails off suggestively] HARMONY    He does know! THEO    The officials in question might just find themselves a little less able to sleep at night, if they knew that you knew that I know that THEY know just what's behind it all.  MELODY    Do you know the countersign? THEO    Like that incident last month.  [breaking his train] The what? LEONA    [muttered] Bugaloos. THEO    What? MELODY    [suspicious] It almost sounds like you're one of us.  Do you know the countersign? LEONA    [muttered] Benita Bizarre? THEO    Uh... Josie and the Pussycats? LEONA    [exasperated] Damn! MELODY    Welcome brother! LEONA    [impressed] Damn! MUSIC SCENE 11 AMB    DIFFERENT ROOM SOUND    STEPS MELODY    Don't speak yet. SOUND    MUSIC TURNED ON MELODY    It jams any listening device. THEO    I love this song. MELODY    It seemed fitting.  [suddenly brisk]  So.  What do you know about the cloning project? THEO    Uh... nothing specific.  We've had our eye on suspicious activity for quite some time. MELODY    Damn.  I was hoping. THEO    But-- MELODY    What? THEO    Well...  I don't think they can be actual "clones".  Don't they take years to grow?  And Baby Dali only really got famous with her song "Treehouse victim" last year. MELODY    You underestimate the cloning process.  The technology is there. THEO    Oh.  But they're not... perfect copies...? MELODY    That is the trickiest part.  They are clearly mixing DNA. THEO    Clearly? MELODY    Yes.  The squeaky one is probably mixed with that creepy chick from Poultergeist. THEO    Ri-i-ight.  And the other? MELODY    [definite] Morgan Freeman. THEO    Uh, yeah. SOUND    DOOR FLUNG OPEN HARMONY    (breathless) We’ve found more!  There must have been a breach at the Baby Dali containment center! THEO    Containment Center? MELODY    They had to breed them some place. THEO    Tell me, do you guys see a lot of Elvises? MELODY    How many? THEO    Thousands. MELODY    No, I mean how many Babys have we found? HARMONY    Four more, and another 8 possible sightings. THEO    That's a lot of Dalis. MUSIC SCENE 12 SOUND    DOOR OPENS, SCUFFLE SUDDENLY STOPS SOUND    FEET, DOOR SHUTS THEO    What are you doing? DALI 2    I want to take this all off and get them to let me go!  But they won't let me! LEONA    Naked?  That'll be a photo op. DALI 2    Just the makeup and wig! DALI 1    Never tarnish the illusion. THEO    Don't!  Their belief in this clone thing might be the only thing keeping us all alive. DALI 3    Besides, I can't take it off - I've had surgery. THEO    [creeped out] Oh? DALI 3    For my FACE.  Not down there.  That's probably what started all the rumors. DALI 1    I love the rumors. DALI 3    [starstruck] You do?  Really?  LEONA    Shh! SOUND    SILENCE, DOOR OPENS HARMONY    Get in there! SOUND    SEVERAL PAIRS OF FEET LEONA    More? THEO    Oh, yeah. They've been finding more of them. SOUND    DOOR SLAMS, LOCKS DALI 4    They took me right off the stage! DALI 5     I was on a date. DALI 7    Busking in the subway. DALI 8    [bad asian accent] I Baby Dorry. DALI 6    I was working a party. THEO    And no one tried to stop them from taking you? DALI 6    What could 6-year olds do? THEO    Oh. [gets it] Ohhh. DALI 9    I like your glasses.  Are those Couture? DALI 10    Knockoffs, but they're good aren’t they?  I'll give you the url. LEONA    Even if one of them does get naked, I don't think it will stop them.  [up] Haven't you - no I mean you - already done that on stage?  ALL DALIS    I am a SPECTACLE! LEONA    She's done just about everything on stage except light her farts. THEO     That's it! ALL DALIS    We're vegan.  LEONA    Don't look at me. THEO    I don't mean [hinting] lighting gas... LEONA    You lost me. THEO    Have you ever seen the movie Gaslight? MUSIC SCENE 13 THEO    Hey!  You better get in here! SOUND    LOCK UNLOCKING LEONA    One more shot. SOUND    SNAPSHOT SOUND    DOOR OPENS HARMONY    [horrified] What happened?  Where's their hair? MELODY    Is she - uh, that one - dead? THEO    [strange voice] She is dying of captivity. ALL DALIS    [chanting together]  We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams. MELODY    But she's still talking. THEO    Mechanical convictions. HARMONY    I love that song. MELODY    Brother Theo, what happened? THEO    There is more at work here than you can comprehend.  I like you. LEONA    Straight from Gaslight to Star Trek.  Smooth. MELODY    What? THEO    But I hate you. HARMONY    You're mean! SOUND    SHE GOES RUNNING OFF, CRYING ALL DALIS    [CHANTING ALONG] World-losers and world forsakers, on who the pale moon gleams. THEO    Oh!  Uh-- LEONA    Don't back off. THEO    Right.  [trying to match the Dali tone] We are the Music Makers and We are the Dreamers of Dreams. LEONA    You do realize she didn't write that, don't you? MELODY    [confused] Why are you just speaking it like that, why aren't you singing? THEO    [creepy whisper] Because - we have no melody! MELODY    [disturbed] But-but I'm Melody! THEO    Are you?  Are you even here? MELODY    I - I am!  And I still have the gun - uh... [horrified] My gun?! LEONA    Plan B. SOUND    GUN COCKS LEONA    [commanding] Time to go.  THEO    Ok, we-- LEONA    Quick, before they decide on an encore. MUSIC SCENE 14 CHIEF    Good thing you got them all moving.  LEONA    We got pictures of them both with and without the wigs, and of them leaving to get on a special charter bus. THEO    They painted the name on the side really fast. LEONA    No, that's actually a company that only gives tours to Dali impersonators. THEO    Go figure.  Do they have an Elvis bus too? LEONA    Yeah.  But they get fewer drag performers. CHIEF    [reminiscent] Yeah.  They serve deep fried bananas, and spin a wheel to see which color outfit gets to sit shotgun.  [breaking out] Uh, uh - I mean, I hear they do. LEONA    [quick, changing the subject] Right.  We've got at least four stories out of this. THEO    And something for Larry. LEONA    [annoyed and horrified] What? THEO    He was in on it, too.  [sheepish] at the beginning. CHIEF    Larry?  Larry who? LEONA    From the switchboard. CHIEF    Look kid.  Being nice ain't how news gets made.  It's just a fact o' life. THEO    Well...  If we don't give him something, he might take what he DOES have and go to another paper. LEONA    You want to give him a story? THEO    [weakly] He could have the waffle house kidnapping. LEONA    [long suffering sigh] I guess.  As long as he leaves our names out of it.  You just volunteered to edit it. THEO    Okay. CHIEF    So what else do you have for me? THEO    Mass migration of dalis. LEONA    [snickering] SPARCLE. THEO    The sublimation of and abrogation of self in the gestalt identity of celebrity. LEONA    Seriously? THEO    I can spin it. CHIEF    Nice.  Big words make people believe crap like that.  Whatever it is. THEO    I meant an article on how people try and be like famous people. CHIEF    Keep the big words.  It sounds better. THEO    I'll find some experts. LEONA    [another idea] There's also that thing about whether she is a he.  Theo found out-- THEO    Uh, no. CHIEF    What do you mean? THEO    The real one wouldn't confirm or deny.  LEONA    Even when she kissed you? THEO    Yeah, well... [shrugs]  A Dali is a Dali. CHIEF    You could do something with that, you know.  On the puzzles page.  Get three of them and one fake impersonator.  LEONA    [chuckles] CHIEF    Put pictures of them all in a four box grid and stick some clues in as to which is which.  Run a little contest.  Think about it.  [commanding] In your office.  I have to call someone about flowers. THEO    [thinking back to the wedding thing] Flowers?  For? CHIEF    Truman at the Guardian when he drops dead seeing our headlines. THEO    Ohhh.  Good. LEONA    Come on. CHIEF    Eh.  Maybe I should just send that stripper. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS SOUND    THEY LEAVE - THIS FADES ACROSS THE BULLPEN LEONA    I like the puzzle idea, though we should make it 9-up, like the brady bunch. THEO    Who? LEONA    [angry growl]  Nostalgia.  Look it up. THEO    Who will be the fake impersonator? LEONA    She did say you have a nice face. THEO    NO way! LEONA    I have to take the picture. REPORTER 4    We actually already have all the Dalis we can use. REPORTER 3    No, thanks, but if you have an MJ sighting?  No? REPORTER 2    Anything else?  Photo of the prez stepping into a spaceship? REPORTER 1    Yes, yes I'll ask - can we use anything from Ringo Starr?  He's on the line and-- ALL REPORTERS    Naaaaaaaah. FADE TO END

Rookie newshound Theo Walsh is sent on his first job for the World Bugle (provider of hard-hitting news about Elvis, aliens, and the paranormal) Oh, my!   Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Theo Walsh - Henry Mark Leona Pope - Robyn Keyes Selena Hempstead - Karena Fredrick Chief - Julie Hoverson Child - Chandra Wade Truth - Melissa Pang Justice - Jerry Bennett Hygiene - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Bruce, the Bounty Hunter - Joel Harvey Sidekick - Reynaud Leboeuf Awesome Guest appearance by Bryan, Dave, Wes, and Uncle Randy of Drunken Zombie Podcast as the other reporters!!! Episode Music:  Josh Woodward (www.joshwoodward.com) 19 Nocturne theme - Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover: Brett Coulstock What kind of a place is it? Why it's a bullpen - this is where the NEWS happens. *********************************************************************** CULTISTS STOLE MY BABY! Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Selena Hempstead, the mother Theo Walsh, cub reporter Leona Pope, jaded old hand photographer Justice, older male cultist Hygiene, stern female cultist Truth, sweet female cultist Chief, Editor of the Monthly Bugle Reporters Bryan, Dave, Randy and Wes Bruce the bounty hunter Thug, his sidekick Child OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a bullpen, can't you tell?  This is where the news happens. MUSIC SOUND     PASSING THROUGH A NOISY NEWSROOM REPORTER BRYAN    [on phone] We can't do anything about that unless Elvis actually spoke to you.  He did?  Can your dog verify that? REPORTER WES    [on phone] Right, I got that, but the beans - you have to eat them raw for the diet to work?  Isn't that kind of crunchy? REPORTER RANDY    Do you have any pictures?  Was the alien wearing the leather bunny suit while it was impregnating you? REPORTER DAVE    How do you know the post-it was placed on your fridge by aliens? SOUND    DOOR OPENS, NOISE CONTINUES UNDER THEO    Hello?  Boss? LEONA    Come on in. THEO    Cool!  SOUND    DOOR SHUTS, NOISE CUT OUT THEO    Hey!  I'm super excited to have this chance to-- LEONA    Save it.  I'm not the guy.  Editor'll be back in a moment. THEO    Oh!  Well, I'm Theo. SOUND    FLUSH LEONA    Whatever you do, don't stare. THEO    Stare? SOUND    DOOR OPENS, HANDS WIPING ON TOWEL CHIEF    All right - oh you're here, good.  THEO    Um - yeah, I'm so excited to have this chance to-- CHIEF    Save it.  I got your resume.  Right, Theo - Theo.... SOUND    PAPERS BEING SHUFFLED THEO    Walsh? CHIEF    You don't sound all that sure.  Not a bad name, though kinda normal.  How about we give you a nickname - Flash!  No, that doesn’t work with Walsh.  Zip? LEONA    I'll see what fits.  What's the job? CHIEF    Yeah, yeah.  Ok, Theo Walsh with a journalism degree from West Podunk Community College, meet Leona Pope - she'll keep you from hurting yourself or making the Bugle liable. LEONA    Mostly I just take your photos. THEO    So, what are we going to be working on--? CHIEF    Theo.  Leona.  E-O.  There you go.  You're the E-O team now - no, no - even better - Team E-O. LEONA    Whatever. CHIEF    All business, eh, doll?  Right, then.  Look, Theo, my family has run this magazine for three generations.  THEO    [eager] Oh, yes - I know!  LEONA    [heavy sigh]  Newb. THEO    This newspaper brings the most cutting edge stories to life every week! LEONA    You actually believe that? CHIEF    Shut it.  Go on. THEO    Well, I've followed the World Bugle for years - and I do realize that a lot of the material in here is puff - or straight out made up stuff-- CHIEF    What!? THEO    [backpedaling] No!  no - let me explain!  I understand completely - to be able to print the hard cold truth about the really controversial topics, like UFOs and the paranormal, you have to fill in the bulk of the magazine with implausibilities, just so that the real truth only reaches the people who already understand! CHIEF    Hmph.  Yeah.  Something like that. LEONA    [wicked chuckle] CHIEF    Anyway.  I've got a sauna and massage, followed by a mani-pedi at noon, so let's get you moving--  I have an informant in room 3.  Have fun. THEO    I'm so excited about this-- LEONA    Come on. SOUND    PHONE PICKED UP CHIEF    Yeah, Sergei?  Oh yeah, that sounds real nice... SOUND    DOOR OPENS, NEWSROOM NOISE LEONA     Left. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS THEO    Wh-what did you mean, don't stare? LEONA    At the Chief. THEO    He looks just like any other big newspaper editor. LEONA    You missed it? THEO    You mean the comb-over and five o'clock shadow?  The mole?  The flabby man-boobs?  LEONA    Woman-boobs. THEO    [shuddering] Oh.... SOUND    FOOTSTEPS STOP THEO    After you. LEONA    You're the reporter.  You go first.  [ominous]  Always. THEO    You make that sound like a bad thing. LEONA    I've been in the biz for 20 years and I've been teamed up 73 times.  You do the math. THEO    Oh. SOUND    DOOR OPENS THEO    Hello.  Um, I'm Theo-- LEONA    Wink. THEO    [boggled] What? LEONA    Trying out nicknames. THEO    Not right now. SELENA    Hello? THEO    Yes, sorry.  I'm Theo.  This is Leona.  SELENA    Is it safe here? THEO    Um-- SOUND    DOOR SHUTS THEO    [shrug] Yeah.  [brightly] So you have a story for us? SELENA    Yes, but - there's a life at stake. THEO    [eager] Really? SELENA    [trying not to cry]  My... baby. THEO    Oh!  Here-- SOUND    TISSUE BOX GRABBED AND MOVED, TISSUE PULLED SELENA    [blows her nose] They took him--! THEO    Aliens? SELENA    No.  Worse. THEO    Scientologists? SELENA    [dry, not crying] Oh, please.  [sniffling again] Cultists. THEO    Other cultists? SELENA    [annoyed] Yes - are you--?  Um, is there another reporter I can talk to? THEO    Sorry, I'm just trying to make sure I get my facts straight. LEONA    [musing] Straight.  Arrow.  Shooter. THEO    What? LEONA    Nothing.  But I think you got your first headline right there.  THEO    I do? LEONA    [important] CULTISTS STOLE MY BABY! MUSIC, BUT SELENA    [over music] Did you say his first? MUSIC ENDS SOUND    CAR NOISES THEO    [narrating] So team E-O made their way to the lair of the cultists. LEONA    Town. THEO    They have a whole town? LEONA    Were you narrating? SOUND    TAPE RECORDER TURNED OFF, HIDDEN THEO    Me, no.  Why?  Is that bad? LEONA    I worked with a guy who narrated once.  Once.  THEO    [gulp]  Oh.  Well.  What's the name of this town? LEONA    Where were you during the interview? THEO    I was there - I even took notes.  LEONA    How many shirt buttons did she have open? THEO    [dreamy] four. LEONA    [sigh] THEO    Right, um-- SOUND    FLIPPING PAGES THEO    Wow.  [reading] I don't remember any of this. LEONA    Automatic writing? THEO    How do you think I got through college?  SOUND    FLIPS ONE MORE PAGE THEO    Aha!  Sorry - nope.  I didn't get the name.  Just wrote "Town." LEONA    Yup. THEO    What? LEONA    The name was "town".  Apparently they're big on using the "true names" of things. THEO    Bet that's easy to find on a map. MUSIC LEONA    [flat] Wow.  [sucks in air] Just... wow. THEO    It's so...clean.  And everyone looks kind of ... normal. LEONA    What were you expecting?  Black robes and facial tattoes? THEO    Um... yeah. TRUTH    May I help you? THEO    um--? LEONA    All yours. THEO    [gulps] Right.  [deep breath, blows out] Right.  We're ...uh... LEONA    Smooth.  That should be your nickname.  Smoothie. THEO    ...scouting for a new smoothie bar.  Our Smoothie bar company...um... Groovy Smoothie ...is looking for new locations. LEONA    Not too dusty. TRUTH    Wow.  That would be lovely.  But you'd have to use all natural ingredients.  We're very back to nature here. THEO    I noticed.  The all-cotton clothes.  The non-synthetic shoes and accessories. LEONA    Metrosexual. TRUTH    Are you sure you just noticed, or have you been doing your homework? THEO    Um... While I'd love to say I was bright enough-- LEONA    So would I. THEO    --to look ahead, I really just noticed. TRUTH    That's still good.  Why don't we walk and you can tell me more about your smoothies? LEONA    I'll just snap some pics.  For the folks back home.  You two kids talk. THEO    Yeah.  Sure! MUSIC AMB    IN CAR, DRIVING LEONA    [exasperated sigh] I sure hope you were taking notes.  She was too cute for your ears to work. THEO    If she's an example, I can't believe they're any kind of BAD cult. LEONA    Dickhead. THEO    What? LEONA    Just addressing your thinking end. THEO    No, I'm not... that kind of guy!  She's sweet.  [beat] I'm really not! LEONA    Yeah, yeah.  What did miss pretty poison have to say? THEO    Truth. LEONA    Pushover. THEO    No, her name's Truth.  They go in for-- LEONA    Those literal names, right. THEO    Yup.  Anyway, I couldn't ask about kidnapped kids, being in the smoothie business, but I think I got some good notes about the layout of the place. LEONA    Where do they keep the kids? SOUND    FLIPPING PAGES THEO    Well, they actually take in a lot of foster kids in this town.  Apparently, they think of it as a holy cause - working with troubled children. LEONA    Vulnerable and open to manipulation.  Or already so messed up, they can't complain. THEO    No!  They work on healing their psychic wounds. LEONA    Her words? THEO    Yes.... LEONA    Did she try and sell you on the religion? THEO    [trying to change the subject] Uh, is it much further to the motel? LEONA    [resigned, commanding] Show me. SOUND    PAMPHLET PULLED FROM POCKET THEO    It's research. LEONA     Right.  Cuz they'd want a smoothie shop run by a non-believer. THEO    I actually told her that the company's policy was to bring in a manager, but hire everyone else locally - then, if someone local was able to take over, the company would be happy to-- LEONA    McDoggies? THEO    What? LEONA    Where you worked your way through college? THEO    Oh.  Yeah.  Actually ...um... let's just say I can't stand the smell of coffee any more. LEONA    Oh-ho! MUSIC [whispered conversation] SOUND    CREEPING THROUGH BUSHES THEO    Thanks for coming along! LEONA    Are you joking?  This is how I get my best pictures.  You go first. THEO    Right.  This should be about where the orphanage office is-- LEONA    Shh! SOUND    INDISTINCT VOICES THEO    [whispered] Just a bit closer. HYGIENE    [normal, but off] ...utterly unruly.  We have had to use... very stringent techniques. THEO    [whispered] Brainwashing! LEONA    [whispered] Listen now - talk later! JUSTICE    [normal but off]  You have all my faith, Hygiene.  You know how vital your part in this is. THEO    [whispered] I wish I had a tape recorder. LEONA    [whispered] Hand. THEO    [whispered] Huh? SOUND    SLAPS SOMETHING INTO HIS HAND SOUND    THUMP ON MIKE as it segues into a recording. EVERYTHING NOT NOTED IS ON THE RECORDING LEONA    [whispered] It's already running.  THEO    [whispered] But it's so small-- LEONA    [whispered] I'm gonna slap you. THEO    [whispered] Right! SOUND    FUMBLING WITH THE MIKE LEONA    [now] I still plan to slap you. THEO    [now] Um, OK.  [bracing himself] Go on. LEONA    [now] Uh-uh [no].  More fun if you don't see it coming. BACK TO THE TAPE unless noted THEO    Which end do I-- Ow! SOUND    SLAP LEONA    See?  Just get it near the window. [fading out] It picks up everything. THEO    [off] okay. HYGIENE    [fading in] running all over the place, breaking things, and causing havoc. JUSTICE     That WOULD be more predictable.  HYGIENE    But Lucifer just sits and stares wrathfully!  He is completely placid when you move him, but he won't respond to commands!  THEO    [real] Lucifer?  What happened to the whole true names thing? JUSTICE     Docility has its place. LEONA    [real] Maybe he has to graduate first or something. HYGIENE    It is unnatural in a child this age.  JUSTICE     Perhaps it is time for... extreme measures. HYGIENE    Give me one more week before we subject him to that? JUSTICE     There isn't time.  We have to break him, Hygiene.  Make him ours. HYGIENE    Very well, father justice.  Your word is my command. SOUND    TAPE CLICKS OFF, BACK TO REAL AMB    HOTEL ROOM.  THUMPING NOISES AND BEDSPRINGS FROM NEXT DOOR THEO    Wow. LEONA    Yeah.  [beat]  They've been at it for nearly an hour now. THEO    No, I mean the tape.  [beat] It sounds horrible. LEONA    Course it does.  THEO    Can you imagine the leg cramps you would get? LEONA    The tape? THEO    Right.  So, we have to get that kid out of there! LEONA    And you've been smoking, what? THEO    Huh? LEONA    We report the news.  We don't make it. THEO    But how can we leave a poor defenseless child in the hands of ... those people? LEONA    Easy.  We drive away, file the story, and then come back in a year to file another story about how the kid is growing up in the cult.  Then a five year follow up, a tenth anniversary... THEO    No.  How about this - intrepid reporter bravely rescues child from abductors?  You can't say that's not a prime story! LEONA    Hmph.  Yes, but-- THEO    But? LEONA    [evil sweet] How about this?  Dumbass rookie newshound shot dead trying to break into secret cult enclave. THEO    Oh. MUSIC AMB    BAR THEO    What do I do here? LEONA    Mingle.  Try not to get carded more than once, peach fuzz. THEO    Shouldn't we be getting ready for the drive home? LEONA    [sigh] Local color.  Trying to see what the nearby folks think of the people up in Town. THEO    Really? LEONA    And half price jello shooters.  It IS ladies' night.  [commanding] You're driving. THEO    Leona?  Leo?  Oh, crap. TRUTH    Smoothie man! THEO    Uh, yeah.  Yes.  Truth.  Nice to see you - not the kind of place - um - TRUTH    [teasing] Where you usually find much truth? THEO    Right.  [laughs unconvincingly]  Yeah.  Aren't you supposed to be all holy or something?  I mean - darn it - I mean, not drinking and carousing or anything? TRUTH    Carousing?  I didn't think anyone used that word any more. THEO    Writers do.  I mean, I write.  Stuff.  TRUTH    Like? THEO    Like? TRUTH    Stuff like what? THEO    uh [wobbles] Greeting cards? TRUTH    Lots of...carousing... in greeting cards. THEO    [fumbling, but gaining strength] I don't plan to write greeting cards forever.  [shakes himself back to the present]  But why are you here? TRUTH    We believe in being as real as possible.  Having fun is very real.  And no, we don't drink, but we do dance and occasionally even sing karaoke. THEO    [terrified] Karry-[gulp]-oke? TRUTH    Thursdays.  You're in "no danger, Will Robinson." THEO    So you don't believe a sense of humor is wrong either. TRUTH    Nope.  SHIFT THROUGH THE BAR, MUSIC GETS LOUDER AT THIS END LEONA    [slurry, drunk] Jes one more - green's my flavorite. BRUCE    One more and you're gonna be flat on the floor, babe. LEONA    On top o' you. BRUCE    [chuckles]  This floor is dirty - we gotta perfectly nice carpet back at our hotel. LEONA    [a bit sharper] "We?" BRUCE    Me and my partner. LEONA    I don't shwing that way. BRUCE    Nah - not like that!  We work together.  That's him over there with the redheaded triplets hanging on his every word. LEONA    The viking?  What kind of work you do? BRUCE    [sexy whisper] Promise you won't tell? LEONA    Crosh my heart. BRUCE    That's not your heart. LEONA    Oh yeah?  I got hearts all over the place. BRUCE    Ooh.  Well, we're-- [glances around] Bounty hunters. LEONA    Like the guy on TV? BRUCE    Well I'm single, but yeah. LEONA    You gonna apprehend someone? BRUCE    Something like that.  But the only one I want to get my hands on tonight is you. LEONA    Mmm.  I gotta hit the catbox.  Be back after I scratch. BRUCE    I'll get you more .... green. LEONA    Oh, yeah. MUSIC SWELLS FOR A SECOND, THEN SLOWS TO A DANCE TRUTH    You're a very nice guy, Smoothie. THEO    It's ...Theo. TRUTH    We like names that describe people. THEO    I'm really not all that... smooth. TRUTH    Feels like it from here. LEONA    [not sounding the least bit drunk] We're going. THEO    What? TRUTH    At least let us finish this dance. LEONA    Sorry, babe.  Duty calls. THEO    Smoothie duty. TRUTH    What--? SOUND    DOOR SLAMS MUSIC CUTS OUT AMB    OUTSIDE, NIGHT THEO    What was all that? LEONA    We need to get out of here.  [moving slightly away] THEO    Out of town? LEONA    Out of the line of fire.  SOUND    CAR DOOR DOOTS LEONA    It's a setup. SOUND    CAR DOOR OPENS THEO    What?  Set up for what? SOUND    DOOR SLAMS LEONA    [in car, something unintelligible] THEO    What? SOUND    WINDOW ROLLS DOWN LEONA    I'm leaving.  You can climb in or stand here. SOUND    DOOR WRENCHED OPEN THEO    I thought I was supposed to drive! [ends in a squeal as she yanks him in] MUSIC Amb    In car THEO    Where are we going? LEONA    Back to headquarters. THEO    Why?  LEONA    [sigh, drums fingers] Bounty hunters. THEO    Are you on their hot list? LEONA    Not me.  Dammit, kid - think!  What are the odds there's a fugitive in this area?  Anyone they might be hunting other than-- [tails off, hinting] THEO    Us? LEONA    How can you be so dense? THEO    [finally getting it] Oh!  The kid! LEONA    Bingo, Smoothie. MOMENT OF SILENCE THEO    We need to go back. LEONA    You're an idiot. THEO    I'm not. LEONA    You're smitten, ya weenie. THEO    I'm not-- [gives up]  Yes.  Yes, I'm ... in love with Truth. LEONA    Right. THEO    But I'm even more in love with the idea of catching bounty hunters in the act. LEONA    [wobbling a bit] No. THEO    [spinning the story] Breaking into a religious compound. LEONA    [cracking a bit more] No. THEO    [seductive] Maybe using extreme force.  Carrying off a kicking and screaming toddler. LEONA    [growl] SOUND    CAR BRAKES TO A STOP LEONA    [ground out] You little shit. MUSIC AMB    NIGHT, OUTSIDE SOUND    CREEPING THROUGH BUSHES LEONA    [whispered] Well, Déjà my vu, kemosabe. THEO    [whispered] I think we beat them here.  We have to warn Truth. LEONA    Hell to the no, as they say.  You can play hero all you want - AFTER I get the shot. THEO    What if they have guns? LEONA    Stop, drop and roll.  I'll be in the bushes. MUSIC    TIME PASSES THEO    [yawning, dozing off] SOUND    A DISTANT CAR PULLS UP THEO     another big yawn SOUND     SPRITZ THEO    [gasping and choking, suddenly muffled] [note:  Leona sprayed breath freshener in his open snoozing mouth then slapped a hand over it when he woke up] LEONA    [urgent whisper] Shh!  They're here. THEO    [finally gets control of himself, gulps]  WHY'D you do that? LEONA    Nothing like waking up minty fresh!  They're over there, far side of the-- oh boy. THEO    What?  It's so dark. LEONA    [tsks]  Looks like three of them, skulking across the lawn. THEO    [amused] Skulking. LEONA    What's wrong with skulking? THEO     Truth would be amused-- LEONA    Fine!  But later, all right? THEO    Oh.  Yeah.  Skulking now.  Can we-- um-- head them off at the pass? LEONA    They're heading directly for the orphanage building. THEO    [uncertain] Oh, good. Um.... LEONA    [sigh] Over there. THEO    Right. MUSIC AMB - STILL OUTSIDE [another whispered conversation - unless otherwise noted] THEO    Did you see them? LEONA    Two of em went in- the third must be a rear guard. THEO    How can you be sure you saw three? LEONA    Watching stuff.  It's sort of my job.  You're getting slapped again. SOUND    DISTANT COMMOTION INSIDE BUILDING THEO    lights!  They're gonna be running! LEONA    I got it. SOUND    THROUGHOUT THE REST OF THE SCENE, SHUTTER CLICKS A LOT AS SHE TAKES SNAPS SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN, RUNNING FEET, DOOR SLAMS SHUT CHILD    [wails] BRUCE    [hissed order] keep him quiet! THUG    He bit me! CHILD    No no no no no! SOUND     DOOR OPENS AGAIN JUSTICE    [to the back of the concert hall] Stop! SOUND    FOOTSTEPS HESITATE SELENA    [off, but also loud] Bring me my child! BRUCE    You heard the lady. TRUTH    We must do something! JUSTICE    No.  This is now in the hands of the lord. HYGIENE    I can only pray we've done enough. THEO    [standing and declaring himself]  No way - this is just wrong! EVERYONE REACTS LEONA    I'll be in the bushes. SELENA    [a bit closer] You're here?  I thought you morons had bailed on me! THEO    Of course not-- morons?  [offended]  The hell you say! SELENA    Very likely.  [to justice]  You thought you could stop my dear little baby from fulfilling his destiny, eh?  [evil genius] From wiping you and your kind from the entire world? THEO    Him? SOUND    RUSTLE IN THE BUSHES LEONA    Hand! THEO    What? LEONA    Recorder! THEO     oh! SELENA    Yes!  I did it!  The whole nine yards.  Did the rituals, wore the lederhosen, slept with the devil.  My child is the antichrist! THEO    Woh!  I didn't see that coming. CHILD    [trying to get her attention] Mommy! SELENA    And all your pathetic humanistic attempts to destroy him have come to naught! CHILD    [more urgent] Mommy! SELENA    He will grow into his destiny and rule over all of creation! CHILD    [sharp] Mommy! SELENA    Honey, mommy's busy.  And throw the entire world into chaos! CHILD    [almost crying] Mommy! SELENA    All right, mommy's done now.  [babytalk]  Woochie wanna, wittle son of evil? CHILD    Wanna see what I can do? SELENA    Isn't he cute!  Whatcha gonna do, my baby beelzebub?  [eager] Gonna spin your head around? Gonna spit fire? CHILD    [teasing] Nooo.  SELENA    Gonna rend these naughty nice people into tiny itsy bitsy bloody wittle chunks? CHILD    Noooo. SELENA    Whatcha gonna do then, my tiny tormentor?  Show mommy! CHILD    Okay.  I try and rerember.  [breath, noise of concentration] SELENA    oh, his first evil gesture!  Anyone have a videophone?  THEO    Why aren't you and your friends running? TRUTH    It wouldn’t help.  Why aren’t you? THEO    Leona'd kill me if I lost the scoop. SELENA    Do you need help lacing your fingers together honey? CHILD    No!  I can do it myself. SELENA    [brimming over with pride] Of course you can.  Of course you can! CHILD    There.  Now mommy watch! SELENA    I'm watching hun.  Oh, if only your father could see you now! THEO    His father--?  Ohh. CHILD    See my hands?  SELENA    Yes!  Knotted together like one big fist.  Will you smite your enemies? CHILD    Whass smite? SELENA    I'll explain it later - go on and show me what you wanted to show me CHILD    [starts speaking, but very quiet] SELENA    Honey, can you speak up?  Just a little?  Mommy can’t hear you! CHILD    [deep sigh of exasperation]  Listen!  This is the church.  This [small noise of effort] is the steeple.  Open the doors and [more effort, then triumphant] see all the people!  SELENA    [horrified] What? CHILD    See all the people, mommy?  My finners are the people in the church! SELENA    [big screamy accusation] You!  You've ruined him! CHILD    Mommy!  See the people in the church! SELENA    [breaking into sobs] All that hard work!  The lederhosen!  Nooooo! SOUND    RUNNING AWAY, nooooing BRUCE    [yelling after her] Hey?  Hey lady?  Are we still getting paid? MUSIC THEO    [end of a story]  So sister Hygiene took him back in for some milk and cookies and a round of kumbaya. SOUND    RATTLE OF 8x10s Chief    Nice work Leo.  We'll have to touch up the pics, maybe give the kid some horns-- LEONA    Nah put em on the mom.  She earned it. THEO    Next you'll want an artist's rendition of Selena in lederhosen cavorting with Satan-- CHIEF    [avid] Great idea!  Very sexy!  I like.  I want the copy on my desk first thing tomorrow. SOUND    DOOR OPENS - NEWSROOM NOISE IN BG THEO    [weakly protesting] But- but we just got back-- SOUND    PHONE DIALING CHIEF    Hello?  Victoria's Secret? LEONA    [trying to keep from shuddering] Come on. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS, AMB NEWSROOM AGAIN THEO    How can I get something done by tomorrow morning? LEONA    Same way you got through college. SOUND    DOOR SWINGS OPEN CHIEF    Hey, Leo - you ever come up with a nickname for the kid here? LEONA    Oh, yeah. THEO    You did? LEONA    Smoothie.  Smoothie Walsh. THEO    Oh, no way-- [arguing, trails off as the sound pans back across the room. REPORTER DAVE    So the potato shaped like Princess Di saved your life?  How did that-- REPORTER RANDY    How could you not notice the minute she took her clothes off?  Oh, a hologram field?  You never mentioned-- REPORTER WES    And that was when you saw his third eye?  Are you sure that it was Dick Cheney? REPORTER BRYAN    [screaming] We have a ratboy sighting! CLOSER    

A girl living in a haunted house must find a way to protect her way of life.. Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Eden - Jaiden Douwes Henry - Danar Hoverson Callandra - Julie Hoverson Frederick! - Reynaud LeBoeuf Ethan - Scott Douwes Mrs. Sherman - Angela Kirby Garth Sherman - Luke LeBoeuf News - Suzanne Dunn Henry's Mom - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Music by Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Sound mastering:  Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Dennis Hager  "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an old brownstone home, can't you tell?  Where else would you expect to find ... a couple of ghosts? *************************************************************** A Ghost of a Chance   Cast: Eden Anderson, precocious 11-year old Ethan Anderson, her dead father, 47 Callandra O'Doul, dead Irish maidservant, 20 Henry Torrence, burglar, 23 Frederick Ferryman, dead actor, 40s-50s Ms. Sherman, CPS, 32 Garth Sherman, her son, a bully, 13 News [anything] OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a big old brownstone, can't you tell?  Where else would you find a ghost or two? SCENE 1 – coming home MUSIC SOUNDS    MODERN STREET NOISE.  SOUND    WE FOLLOW THROUGH A CREAKY GATE.  STREET NOISE QUIETS A BIT.  FOOTSTEPS ON LEAVES, THEN ON WOOD PORCH.  KEY IN LOCK, DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS PASS THROUGH.   SCENE 2 – HALLWAY AND KITCHEN EDEN    Hey!  I'm home! SOUND    BACKPACK FLUNG ONTO TABLE.  DOOR SHUTS AND IS CAREFULLY LOCKED. CALLANDRA    You're going to have to do some shopping soon, miss.  We're almost out of soap powder. EDEN    [sigh] I'll put it on the list.  SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, THEY HESITATE, THEN STOP EDEN    What?  Move it.  I'm tired. CALLANDRA    [evasive] You're looking a mite peaked.  You could use a bite to eat.  Come into the kitchen and have some soup. EDEN    [slightly suspicious] O-kay...  SOUND    MODERN JAZZ, PLAYED LOW, SLIGHTLY MUFFLED EDEN    Dad's not at the videos again is he? SOUND    OPENING CUPBOARDS, CANS BEING PULLED OUT AND PLACED ON THE COUNTER CALLANDRA    [not quite convincing] No. EDEN    Then why don't you want me to go upstairs? SOUND    POP TOP ON CAN, SOUP INTO BOWL CALLANDRA    Whatever gave you that idea--? EDEN    Oh, please. CALLANDRA    Can I not just be concerned about you?  Someone has to be! SOUND    MICROWAVE OPENS, FOOD IN, SETTING TIME EDEN    I'm fine. SOUND    TURNS ON MICROWAVE MUSIC   SCENE 3 – A BIT LATER AMBIANCE    TELEVISION PLAYS LOW IN THE BACKGROUND News    ....was stolen from the J.J. Holdings museum at the university today.  The vase is attributed to the school of Cellini, and has been valued at nearly half a million dollars. SOUND    CELLPHONE DIALS, RINGS, PICKS UP EDEN    Hey Ariel.  ... Nothing.  Look, I've been thinking about-- SOUND    THUMPING ON CEILING EDEN    --trying out... for...  Can you wait a minute, Ariel? SOUND    HOLD BUTTON IS PRESSED SOUND     DOOR OPENS.  STEPS INTO FOYER, SLIGHT ECHO SOUND    THUMPING FROM ABOVE.  A COUPLE OF RAPID STEPS. SOUND    [WHOOSHING SOUND OF A GHOST ARRIVING] CALLANDRA    Oh no, miss.  EDEN    Yeah?  Stop me.  It's not dad - I can hear his computer going, and it's not you, since you're right here.  Maybe Frederick?  [yelling] Frederick? CALLANDRA    [worried] Oh... SOUND    [WHOOSHING SOUND OF A GHOST ARRIVING] FREDERICK    [overly theatrical, as always] Enter stage right.  Yeeeees?  CALLANDRA    See, it's all gone now-- SOUND    THUMPING FROM ABOVE CALLANDRA     [dismay] Ooh! EDEN    [grim] What is it? FREDERICK    Shall I make a recon, my young commander? EDEN    Oh! Shoot! SOUND    BEEP ON PHONE EDEN    Gotta call you back, Ariel.  Yeah, it's dad.  SOUND    PHONE HANGS UP EDEN    Callandra?  You want to explain-- SOUND    DOORBELL RINGS.  WHOOSH [GHOSTS LEAVING] EDEN    [exasperated sound]  Uuh! SOUND    STAMPING FEET, CHAIN LOCK GOES ON EDEN    [sighs] SOUND    DOOR OPENS EDEN    [sweetly] Yes?  SHERMAN Good evening. Are your parents around? EDEN    My father is asleep.  He hasn't been feeling very well. SHERMAN I think he'll want to speak to me. FREDERICK    [whisper]  Why?  Is she covered in chocolate? EDEN    [gritted teeth]  Maybe when he's feeling better.  Can he call you? SHERMAN Here's my card. EDEN    Oh. CALLANDRA    What's C-P-S?  Does that mean she's with the coppers? EDEN    What's this about?  I would invite you in, but-- SHERMAN No, I understand. Safety first.  [serious] There's been a complaint. EDEN    By who?  FREDERICK    [booming voice] Whom. EDEN    I mean - by whom? SHERMAN I'll discuss all that with your father. Please do have him call me.  [going off] All my info's on the card. EDEN    [calling] Thanks - uh - Ms. Sherman. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS EDEN    Oh, shoot! CALLANDRA    Now, it's not that bad.  Is it? FREDERICK    Of course it is.  CPS are the child police service.  They arrest bad little children. CALLANDRA    The devil you say!  Oh, Eden, tell me darling!  They won’t arrest you! EDEN    They don't - but they do take children away from the wrong type of home environment. CALLANDRA    [relieved] Ohhh!  We're safe enough then. EDEN    [as if] Ri-ight. SOUND    THUMPING EDEN    Are you going to tell me, or do I just get to find out for myself? CALLANDRA    Oh, my stars... MUSIC   SCENE 4 - UPSTAIRS SOUND     DOOR UNLOCKS, OPENS HENRY    [gasps] Jeez!  About flipping time!  You ever hear of unlawful imprisonment? EDEN    I've heard of burglary. HENRY    You're kinda small for a cop. EDEN    [exasperated noise] Dude.  You can come out now, but just so you know, I've got a taser. SOUND    SLOW FOOTSTEPS EDEN    [gasps, shocked] You look like--! HENRY    Got my hands up, all that.  [quoting] Don't tase me, [ending lamely] uh, bro. SOUND    A COUPLE MORE STEPS, THEN HENRY    [grunt as he lunges at her] SOUND    SCUFFLE.  FALLING FURNITURE, SOMETHING BREAKS, THEN... FREDERICK    [unearthly wail] HENRY     [screams, then gibbers until noted] SOUND    SOMETHING SMALL CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR EDEN    I hate when you do that!  That is so gross!  [tsk, annoyed sigh] You coulda left your head on... FREDERICK    [huffy] It was effective. EDEN    [sigh]  You.  What's your name? HENRY    [gibbering]  ...head came off, and cold, so cold! SOUND    SLAP HENRY    [sharp intake of breath] Wha-ah-ah? EDEN    Your name, mister burglar. HENRY    Henry.  Henry Torrence.  [whispered] What the heck was that? EDEN    A ghost.  Now, Mister Torrence, I suppose I'm gonna have to tie you up or something, so you don't try and jump me again-- HENRY    Howzabout just letting me - ya know - go? EDEN    You broke in.  I have to do something, and I really don't want to have to deal with the cops - they'll bother dad. HENRY    Look, I never hurt no one, I ain't the type.  I swear! EDEN    Still...  I think you need to stay locked up for a while.  CALLANDRA    Can I keep him?  Please?  I caught him! FREDERICK    Shut up woman, we may be able to use this fellow's services. EDEN    [ordering] March!  I'll put you somewhere better than that closet, but you better stay put or - FREDERICK    Boooooo! HENRY    [gasps] EDEN    [unenthusiastically] Yeah, that.  Boo. MUSIC   SCENE 5 - DOWNSTAIRS CALLANDRA    What do you plan to do with him?  Please say I can have him for me own - he's such a fine specimen of a man. EDEN    If you keep him, I have to feed him. CALLANDRA    Well... not necessarily... EDEN    No.  No.  No.  I'm not having any more ghosts around here. CALLANDRA    You never let me have any fun! EDEN    Besides, didn't you notice the resemblance? CALLANDRA    To a man? SOUND    WHOOSH, FF ENTERS FREDERICK    Our dear Callandra never looked above his [mocking her accent] "luuuvly broad shoulders!" CALLANDRA    Bite your tongue, Frederick!  I still have those clippings of yours, and you will sorely regret having a jape at my expense-- EDEN    Shut up!  MUSIC   SCENE 6 – BREAKFAST IN BED SOUND    MORNING BIRD NOISES SOUND    MUFFLED THUMP, RATTLE AT DOORKNOB HENRY    [yawns, waking] SOUND    CHAIN RATTLES, BEDCLOTHES RUSTLE EDEN    [muffled] Are you awake? HENRY    Yeah, sure.  Whatever. SOUND    DOOR OPENS WITH DIFFICULTY SOUND     EDEN ENTERS WITH TRAY EDEN    I hope you like bacon. HENRY     Uh, yeah! [surprised and enthused] SOUND    SHIFTING AS HE SITS UP IN BED, CHAIN MOVES HENRY    Thanks.  Breakfast in bed.  Almost like a dream, except-- SOUND    RATTLE OF CHAINS CALLANDRA    [snarky] Well, we can't have you wandering around the house like some sort of ... burglar, can we? HENRY    Does she need to be here? SOUND    SETS DOWN TRAY, DISHES RATTLE EDEN    She's my backup.  I need to talk to you. HENRY    [annoyed] Go ahead.  I don't eat with my ears. SOUND    EATING NOISES EDEN    [snort of laughter]  This is going to sound really dumb, but...  [thinks hard]  I have a kind of proposition for you. HENRY    [offended] You are way too young, and she's dead. EDEN    Huh? CALLANDRA    Shame on you! HENRY    Nothing. [eats noisily] EDEN    Ew!  [angry sigh]  Look, no.  My dad is out of town, and I need someone to pretend to be him and talk to CPS. HENRY    CPS?  The CPS?  Hell no.  I hate those bast‑‑ uh-- buttheads. EDEN    Why?  You got kids? HENRY    Never mind.  No way you can talk me into-- EDEN    We'll pay you. HENRY    --into-- How much? EDEN    Dad said we could give you a thousand.  For staying here for two weeks and pretending to be him. HENRY    He's not coming home for two weeks?  [truly offended] What the hell is wrong with him, leaving you all alone? CALLANDRA    Language!! HENRY    I don't give a flying rat's patoot about my language!  If your dad is so flipping negligent to leave you all alone for weeks at a time, [losing steam] then maybe you'd be ... better off-- EDEN    [anguish] In foster care?  No way!! HENRY    Well, no, but... don't you have any other family? EDEN    [mumbled] Not anywhere around here. HENRY    [sincere] That sucks! EDEN    Look, I'm not supposed to say anything, but my dad...  He [whispers importantly] he works for the government.  Top secret. HENRY    Seriously? EDEN    Uh-huh!  So he can't always control when he'll be back. HENRY    Why would he - why would you even trust me? EDEN    You won't get paid until after the two weeks is up.  Besides... I'm a pretty good cook? HENRY    Okay, but I have to be able to tell my mom.  She'll worry if I don't get home. EDEN    You live with your mom?  But you're like a grownup.  That's weird. HENRY    Why do you think I don't have a real job?  MUSIC   SCENE 7 – MEETING CPS FREDERICK    [sharp whisper] Now you just behave now, my lad, or I'll give you what for again. HENRY    [trying to be flippant] “Boo.”  I get it.  This makeup itches.  EDEN    Sorry.  You had to look a little older.  HENRY    It is kinda creepy how I look so much like your dad. EDEN    Yeah.  [fretting] Where IS she? SOUND    KNOCK ON THE DOOR CALLANDRA    Eep! EDEN    [to the ghosts] Scat! [quiet] Ready? HENRY    Guess we'll find out. SOUND    FEET, DOOR UNLOCKS and OPENS EDEN    Hello?  Ah.  Right on time. SHERMAN Your father--? EDEN    Right here.  Come on in. HENRY    [trying too hard to sound old] Ethan Anderson.  Pleased to meet you.  You're Ms. Sherman? EDEN    [warning] Dad!  [explaining] He's had a cold. SHERMAN [warm] Ah!  I hope you're on the mend? HENRY    [clears his throat, sounds more normal]  Yes, yes.  Much better. MUSIC   SCENE 8 – WAITING IN THE KITCHEN SOUND    FLAP OF KITCHEN DOOR, FEET CALLANDRA    [very nervous] How goes it? EDEN    Seems OK, so far.  HENRY    [off, furious] What? EDEN    Oh no! SOUND    RUNS OFF, FLAP OF DOOR EDEN    [breathless] What? HENRY    [grim] Tell her. SHERMAN [sweet] My dear, um, Eden. I was just telling your father that your school has raised issues about your father's involvement-- EDEN    Why?  He emails them all the time.  They understand how busy he is. SHERMAN We still have to take it under advisement. Now, off the record, and with the understanding that you, sir, are a fairly wealthy man, I might ask why you haven't engaged a nanny or other similar household staff-- EDEN    [QUIET, prompting] DAD!    HENRY    [angry] What business is it of yours, lady? SHERMAN Perhaps you should step out and leave us alone again, dear. EDEN    No.  I may be too young for my opinion to count, but I want to hear what you plan to do to me.  We don't need anyone to look after the house.  I can do that. SHERMAN But you shouldn't have to - you are a child, dear, and you have better things to do. EDEN    Like what?  Play Xbox and get fat? MUSIC   SCENE 9 – AFTER SHE LEAVES SOUND    FRONT DOOR SHUTS, LOCKS HENRY    You have 20 million dollars? EDEN    And a half.  Not like I can spend it.  They don't trust me - that's why they call it a trust fund. HENRY    [snort] SOUND    SHE STARTS UP THE STAIRS HENRY    Hey, we're talking here. EDEN    [upset] You're only my dad while there's an audience. HENRY    [calling] Why don't you want a nanny or something? SOUND    RUNS UP THE STAIRS CALLANDRA    Poor child.  HENRY    [gasps]  Oh, right.  CALLANDRA    Pity you're not much of a father. HENRY    [offended] You're not much help, either. CALLANDRA    Oh?  And what do you expect from me?  I've been dead over a century, boyo. HENRY    How's that work, anyway? CALLANDRA    [pouty] Don't know.  Wouldn't tell you if I did. HENRY    Fine.  Whatever.  You have anything to drink around this place? CALLANDRA    [rolls eyes] Oh, yes.  That would look terrible good to Ms. Sherman, wouldn't it? HENRY    I'm going out for a while.  Don't worry - I'll sneak out the back.  I'm good at THAT. MUSIC   SCENE 10 – HENRY’S HOME SOUND    DOOR OPENS, MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND HENRY    [sigh, then calling]  Hey mom! MOM    [bleary drunk] Baby?  That you? HENRY    [resigned] Yes, mom. MOM    Where you been?  HENRY    I gotta job, mom.  Been working. MOM    You bring me back a little something, baby?  Medicine? HENRY    [down] Tomorrow.  I promise. MOM    [sarcastic] Such a good boy.  You gon' expect me to bail you out again?  You need to get you some better friends, baby. HENRY    I'm not a baby, mom.  I'm thirty-five. MOM    You'll always be my baby, Henry, won't you?  You know how much I count on you.  How much it hurts every time you been taken away from me.  What would I do if you were in jail?  Do you ever think about that? HENRY    Yeah.  [under his breath] All the time. MUSIC   SCENE 11 – CHAT WITH DAD SOUND    COMPUTER KEYS SOUND    DOOR OPENS HENRY    Eden? EDEN    [gasps] What?  Oh!  You're back! SOUND    FOOTSTEPS HENRY    You shouldn't sit in the dark like that. EDEN    [sarcastic] Thanks dad.  [serious]  I've been chatting with my real dad. HENRY    I didn't hear anything, if that's what you're worried about. EDEN    Duh.  Computer chatting.  HENRY    Typing.  Right.  I'm not much for the whole computer thing. EDEN    That could be awkward, if Ms. Sherman decides to quiz you on what you do for a living.  Dad's a programmer. HENRY    For the government? EDEN    [scornful] No!  [realizing] Oh, I mean... uh... he's a programmer for real, but he doesn't program for them. HENRY    [suspicious] Can I type something to him? EDEN     Sure. SOUND    CHAIR SHIFTS, CLUMSY, SLOW TYPING EDEN    Is this a secret, or can I type it for you? HENRY    Yeah, go on - at this rate I'll be here all night just to say Hi.  Um... [thinking] Mister... uh ... can I call him Ethan? EDEN    [responding to dad]  All right.  He says let's turn on the microphone. SOUND    CLICK EDEN    Now you can just talk. He still has to type, though.  His mike is broken. HENRY    I don't know you, so maybe I'm not the one who should be saying this, but - here goes.  Dude, leaving your kid alone makes you a bad dad.  So what if the government needs you! EDEN    You're... serious? HENRY    Hell yeah.  You're gonna grow up robbing banks and stuff. EDEN    Hmm.  He says, just because your dad was a deadbeat, doesn't mean -- HENRY    What the hell do you think you know? EDEN    He says-- HENRY    I can see what he says.  Background check, my ass! EDEN    I told you he's a computer guy. HENRY    Fine.  You need to take care of-- EDEN    Don't tell me how to raise my daughter.  Oh, and he says "watch"-- SOUND    [some CCTV video comes on the computer] HENRY    [shocked] How did he get that? EDEN    Is that you?  Breaking into a building?  Wow.  Wait, is that the museum? HENRY    So that's your way of keeping me in line?  EDEN    Are you the one who stole the Cellini vase? HENRY    I plead the fifth.  [angry sigh] Fine.  I'll do my two weeks, and then I am the hell out of here. EDEN    [angry] Very well, you worthless wretch! HENRY    What? EDEN    [innocent] Just what he said. MUSIC   SCENE 12 – RUDE AWAKENING SOUND    POUNDING ON DOOR CALLANDRA    Mr. Anderson!!  HENRY    [sleepy] What? CALLANDRA    That woman is at the door!  HENRY    I can't answer it like this!  I don't have that old-age makeup-- CALLANDRA    Frederic! HENRY    No, no - I can do it-- SOUND    POUNDING AGAIN FREDERIC    Did I hear a cue? HENRY    No, we-- CALLANDRA    He needs to look old and ill.  And right fast. HENRY    Really, I-- FREDERIC    Hmm.  Here.  [horrible ghostly noise] HENRY    [screams] CALLANDRA    Shh! FREDERIC    Damnation.  Once that would have turned your hair quite white - as it is, you will have to wear a cap. MUSIC   SCENE 13 – CPS AGAIN SOUND    DOOR OPENS SLOWLY HENRY    [shaky] Yes? SHERMAN Took you long enough. HENRY    I was in the shower.  Nearly killed myself slipping when I came down the stairs. SHERMAN Are you going to ask me in? HENRY    You might have heard the scream. SHERMAN No. [hinting to let her in] It is rather chilly out here. HENRY    [sigh] Very well. SOUND    THEY GO IN, HE FAKES A LIMP CALLANDRA    You watch out for that one! HENRY    Shh! FREDERICK    She can't hear us unless we want her to. SHERMAN I expect Eden is at school right now? HENRY    She's a very good student. SHERMAN [disdainful] B plus. HENRY    That ain't nothing to sneeze at, lady! SOUND    SITS SHERMAN But we both know she could do better. HENRY    What makes you think that? SHERMAN You could get her tutors. HENRY    Why?  She's real smart. FREDERICK    You tell her!  But you might try using proper grammar. SHERMAN There's so many things your money could do for your daughter. HENRY    I'd rather let her be herself. CALLANDRA    Oh, that's touching, that is. SHERMAN You could send her to private school. My own son Garth is in private school. HENRY    [faltering] She has ...friends.... here. SHERMAN [hinting] A very expensive private school. HENRY    You recruiting or something?  I ain't making any decisions behind my kid's back. SHERMAN You could pay me to leave you alone. HENRY    She wants to stay --  WHAT?  CALLANDRA    Horrors! FREDERIC    Bezom! SHERMAN You must understand, Mr. Anderson, just how poorly compensated we civil servants are these days. What a completely thankless job we do. HENRY    You really just hit me up for money? SHERMAN And how particularly expensive a really good school is. HENRY    [incredulous] Money.  You're asking for money. SHERMAN Of course. HENRY    You're a skanky money-grubbing ho! FREDERIC    Filth straight from the bowels of satan's own thrice-crowned hounds of hell! SHERMAN Language! [evil nice again] You have plenty of money.  I've looked into your financials.  Not just Eden's little trust fund, but liquid assets as well.  HENRY    That's blackmail! SHERMAN Technically, it's extortion. So far.  Extortion is getting money with a threat of something yet to come. HENRY    It's still illegal. CALLANDRA    Oh, horrors! SHERMAN Blackmail, on the other hand, is getting money with the threat of revealing something from the past. Like your criminal record? HENRY    My... [confused] what? SHERMAN Mr. Anderson, I have no wish to go into detail, but do you really think I would come here with just the might of CPS behind me? HENRY    Maybe. SHERMAN No. I have something concrete on you.  HENRY    Doesn't ring a bell.  [chuckles lamely]  Criminal record?  Me?  [laughs] SHERMAN Do the words 1987 and dot com mean anything to you? HENRY    But I was just-- ["a kid", but he cuts off] SHERMAN Using an assumed name? You're very lucky no one thought to cross-reference your fingerprints before, but once they do what I did... HENRY    Oh, crap. SHERMAN I'm in no hurry. I'd be happy to take a little something up front, and then a larger payment by the end of the week, perhaps? HENRY    I'll ...see what I have lying around. MUSIC   SCENE 14 – CHAT WITH DAD SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FEET STORM IN HENRY    Is your mike on, Mr. Anderson? SOUND    COMPUTER BEEP HENRY    Good.  Cause I don't know jack about how to work these things. SOUND    COMPUTER BOOP HENRY    You heard what happened?  How? SOUND    BOOP HENRY     I didn't even notice a computer in the living room.  SOUND    BOOP HENRY    Huh?  Which button? SOUND    BOOP HENRY    No need to get snippy. SOUND     BUTTON PUSHED ETHAN    [computer generated voice]  You will go immediately to the first hill bank and trust-- HENRY    What do you mean immediately?  I gotta do grocery shopping this morning. ETHAN    Delivered. HENRY    Not for here.  for my mom. ETHAN    Get it delivered. HENRY    Hey! Mom may be an old lush, but she expects to see me from time to time. ETHAN    Bank after. HENRY    What's all this crap that witch was talking about, anyway? ETHAN    No time.  Bank today.  Take three thousand dollars-- HENRY    I can't pass for you at a damn bank!  I can't sign your name!  ETHAN     Account in your name.  Use your own I-D. HENRY    What?  In my name?  What makes you think I won't just walk off... [back on topic] Second - why three thousand?  She won't settle for just three-- ETHAN    Three thousand will pay off her car. HENRY    Damn.  You really can find out anything, can't you? MUSIC   SCENE 15 – HENRY HOME SOUND    DOOR OPENS, MOM'S HOUSE.  TV ON HENRY    I brought your groceries. MOM    Good.  Didja get any beer? HENRY    It's still in the car. MOM    Bring that in next, woudja?  That's a good boy. HENRY    [from other room, confused] Mom?  Where's my TV? MOM    Mine was ...uh...on the fritz, so I moved yours in here. HENRY    You did? MOM    I had help. HENRY    You forgot to pay, didn't you? MOM    That is no way to talk to your mother!  Besides, if you weren't gone all the time, I wouldn't have such a problem.  You know I never was good with money.  HENRY    Yeah. MOM    When did you say you'd get paid for this new job you got? MUSIC   SCENE 16 – DINNER WITH EDEN SOUND    DINNER NOISES    HENRY    You made this? EDEN    [sullen] Yeah.  HENRY    It's pretty good. EDEN    Should be.  Been cooking since I was [Callandra's accent] "just a wee thing".  [change of tone, sullen]  You were gone all day.  Again. HENRY    I came back. EDEN    Well, duh.  We're paying you to be here. HENRY    Are the ghosts joining us? EDEN    [still sullen] Frederic gets too jumpy around food, and Callandra "doesna feel tis proper." MOMENT OF SILENCE HENRY    Are you mad at me?  SOUND    THUMP - VASE ON TABLE HENRY    What the h---ay?  You going through my room? EDEN    Callandra saw you hide it.  SHE's very upset with you. CALLNDRA    [from off] Though it is a right pretty wee thing! HENRY    I had to bring it along - mom was about to use it as an ashtray. EDEN    Why do you steal? HENRY    Whoa!  That ain't polite to ask. EDEN    It isn't polite to steal. MOMENT OF SILENCE HENRY    What else am I gonna do?  Shove burgers?  I ain't even got a GED.  Without that… well… EDEN    If you're trying to convince me to stay in school, there's no point. HENRY    No way!  You gonna drop out?  Smart kid like you – you could be any darn thing you want! EDEN    Oh, please.  I already have a GED.  Or at least, I took the test – just to see, you know?  And I've taken a few college courses on the Internet.  I stay in school for the socialization.  HENRY    Huh? EDEN    I stay in school to look normal and have friends.  The work is boring as hell, but I don't want to stand out.  Do you know how hard it is to manage a B+ average? HENRY    [sarcastic] Never had that problem, myself. EDEN    [mounting upset] I have to guess on each test what the correct percentage of answers is to get wrong.  I have to dumb my writing down for essay questions.  I have to-- HENRY    Why? EDEN    Why? HENRY    Why not just say to hell with it, and let em see how smart you are? EDEN    Smart kids get noticed.  I can stand out when I'm older.  When it's safe.  MUSIC   SCENE 17 – WHERE’S DAD SOUND    COMPUTER NOISES HENRY    You need to get your butt home, dude.  Your government might need you, but your daughter needs you more. ETHAN    Not possible. HENRY    What, are you in deep cover or something?  In a foreign prison?  [slow realization]  Oh.... crap. ETHAN    We are both in crap. HENRY    No, I mean you - you're like them, aren't you? ETHAN    Define "them". HENRY    The ghosts. ETHAN    [beat] Yes. HENRY    Holy crap. ETHAN    No.  Just regular crap.  HENRY    I can't stay here forever! ETHAN    Eden needs you. HENRY    [wobbling] My mom... she needs me, too. ETHAN    Open the scanner. HENRY    What?  Oh, that.  SOUND    SCANNER NOISE ETHAN    I need your hand. MUSIC   SCENE 18 – WHERE’S MOM SOUND    SILENT HOUSE, KEY IN LOCK, DOOR OPENS HENRY    Mom, why's the TV --?  [panicky] Mom? SOUND    MOVES THROUGH, TALKING HENRY    Mom, please say you're okay.  Say something!  Hello?  Oh, jeez, what could they'a done to‑‑ [cuts off as he spots something] What? SOUND    PAPER PICKED UP HENRY    [Reading]  Hope you get this. Woulda called, but-- MOM    [continuing, guilt tripping]  --you never gave me your number at "work".  Won a cruise in a mail-in contest.  Back in a month.  "Mom."  P-S, all expenses paid - how you like them apples.  Oh, and make sure to pay the electric bill.  Want heat when I get home. HENRY    [half amused, half annoyed chuckle] Ethan, you king of all shits. MUSIC   SCENE 19 – LIKE MOTHER SOUND    OUTSIDE, DAYTIME STREET GARTH    Hey! EDEN    [suspicious]  Can I help you? GARTH    [mean chuckle] You bet. SOUND    CLICK OF CAMERA PHONE GARTH    [annoyed] Hey! EDEN    [scared, but standing her ground] If this is a mugging, I just e-mailed your picture to my dad. GARTH    He's not gonna do anything. EDEN    What makes you so sure? GARTH    My mom has him by the short hairs. EDEN    Your mom? GARTH    Sherman?  From CPS?  Ring any bells? EDEN    She went away.  Everything is fine. GARTH    Course it is.  It's fine as long as you guys play ball. EDEN    [starting to get it]  As long as we--? GARTH    Pay up.  EDEN    But that's-- GARTH    You wanna complain, go whine to your dad, he'll explain the facts of life.  For now... you got an ipod? EDEN    [starting to break] I-- GARTH    [threatening] Or should I say, do I got an ipod?  [snarl] Hand it over. SOUND    HAND OVER EDEN    [nearly in tears] There.  Choke on it, you bully! GARTH    Uh!  [shoves her] SOUND    EDEN FALLS EDEN    [gasp, trying hard not to cry] SOUND    GARTH WALKS AWAY GARTH    Hah!  She got the Bieber fever.  [nasty laugh]  Ooh!  Beyonce!  EDEN    [long sniffle] SOUND    RUNNING FEET HENRY    What happened?  Here, let me-- SOUND    SHE JUMPS UP AND THROWS HER ARMS AROUND HIM EDEN    [crying] HENRY    [nervous, not sure what to say] It's okay!  I'll handle this.  It's-- [determined, personal]  It's going to be okay. MUSIC   SCENE 20 – getting even SOUND    QUIETLY DRESSING HENRY    [whispering] It's easy to forget she's just a kid. FREDERIC    [stage whisper]  She is a most self-possessed young lady. HENRY    Shh.  She only just got to sleep. FREDERIC    And you?  Are you leaving her now, in her hour of need? HENRY    [grim] Something I gotta do. FREDERIC    In the middle of the night? SOUND    ZIPPER ZIPS FREDERIC    And dressed all in black?  I sense skullduggery! HENRY    Sense all you want, but stay quiet about it.  FREDERIC    Alas that I cannot do more than keep the light burning for your return.  HENRY    Yeah.  See you in the morning. MUSIC   SCENE 21 – SATISFACTION SOUND    LOUD BANGING ON THE FRONT DOOR, DOOR OPENS HENRY    [self satisfied] Ahh!  [yawns]  So sorry.  Long night. SHERMAN Your check bounced! HENRY    [congenial]  No, I put a stop payment on it.  Won't you come in? SHERMAN You WHAT? HENRY    I - we - aren't playing your game any more. SOUND    DOOR CREAKS OPEN A CRACK, UP CLOSE EDEN    [whispered, eavesdropping] Go, Henry! FREDERIC    I could always give her a visitation - maybe we'll get lucky and she'll keel over from the shock! EDEN    No!  He may be a butt, but I don't want you to kill some kid's mom!  CALLANDRA    They've gone into the living room! EDEN    I'll have to listen on the laptop then.  Right dad? SOUND    BEEP MUSIC   SCENE 22 – REVELATION HENRY    Would you like a soda? SHERMAN I would like an explanation. What makes you think I won't go through with turning you in? HENRY    Go ahead.  When they take my fingerprints and they don't match the ones you have on file, you'll look pretty silly. SHERMAN You - you...! HENRY    You might have noticed that I'm a bit of a computer nerd. SHERMAN Oh-ho-ho! [getting composure back]  You may have changed the prints on the system,  But you can't get into my backups. HENRY    Call my bluff. SHERMAN Very well-- HENRY    BUT-- SOUND    MOMENT OF AWKWARD PAUSE SHERMAN [worried] What? HENRY    I'm afraid you have a problem of your own. SHERMAN I have a what? Are you trying to blackmail me?  I am very careful. HENRY    About your money stuff, yeah - I'm sure you are.  This is something else.  A vase. SHERMAN A what? HENRY    Have you read the papers recently?  The museum? SHERMAN The Cellini Vase? HENRY    Yeah, that thing. SHERMAN What does that have to do with me? HENRY    It's in your house. MUSIC   SCENE 23 – FINALE EDEN    What if she finds it? HENRY    What's she gonna do with it?  She don't know no fences. CALLANDRA    Or any place to sell it either. EDEN    She might give it back? FREDERIC    And try to explain how she happened to come by such a fugitive object?  Hah! HENRY    Hah is right. EDEN    [down] So I guess this means you're gonna go now.  I mean now that it's all clear. HENRY    I guess. EDEN    Would you stay?  I mean, if you could? HENRY    I'd like to but.... I dunno.  My mom-- SOUND    BEEP ETHAN    [computer voice] Was lucky and got an apartment in a new full-service assisted living community. HENRY    What?  You can't just-- ETHAN    Try and get her out.  They have KeNo every Thursday. HENRY    [annoyed but thinking] Hmm..... Does she get to have a nice TV? ETHAN    No. HENRY    What?  How can you--? ETHAN    You will bring one to her.  EDEN    Clever. FREDERIC    Brilliant! CALLANDRA    [sniffling] Touching. HENRY    Gotcha.  And what about me? EDEN    I have four more years before I can technically be emancipated.  If you're willing to be my dad til then, we'll-- ETHAN    Pay you one hundred thousand per year. HENRY    [dubious] That's pretty good.  Hmm...  Four years. EDEN    Well, what do you want, then? HENRY    Four years sounds like a heckuva lot like college. EDEN    I'm still too young. HENRY    Nah... I was thinking... you know... [quiet] For me.  [up] But only if you'll help me get my GED and stuff. EDEN    I bet I could be a really good tutor! MUSIC    END

A classic-style caper, chock-a-block with art theft, swindling, and romance! Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Algernon Winthrop - Will Watt Bartholomew Hetheredge - Glen Hallstrom Harriet Carter-Nelson - Julie Hoverson Attendant - Russell Gold Music by Laché Swing  (Free Music Archive) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Julie Hoverson     (in the style of the Dell Mapback mystery covers)     with help from Steve Guy "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a gentleman's club in the 1930s, can't you tell?" *********************************************************************** THE PERFECT PIGEON Cast: Announcer Algernon Winthrop, a young gentleman whose profession is art broker - with a secret life as a gentleman thief Harriet Carter-Nelson, country heiress, who has inherited some paintings Bartholomew Heatheredge, elder bachelor, friend and confidante of Algernon Butler, discreet and very well trained       THE PERFECT PIGEON MUSIC TO OPEN - LIGHT 1930s JAZZ OLIVIA    What do you mean what kind of place is it?  Why it's a private room in a proper Gentleman's Club in London in the 1930s - can't you tell? MUSIC SCENE 1    THE CLUB ROOM SOUND     RADIO PLAYS JAZZ IN ANOTHER ROOM ALGY    Bartholomew, old man - believe it or not, I've been HAD. BART    [mock incredulous] Algernon Winthrop the third?  "Had"?  Hold on, shh!  [beat]  No, no... I don't think I hear the trumpet hailing the end of all things, so how could You possibly-- ALGY    Hush!  Do you want to hear the story or not? BART    [teasing] I dunno - do I? ALGY    You're the only one I can tell, so I expect you can guess what this is in regards to. BART    [knowing smirk] "Art"? ALGY    Yes.  I was approached last Wednesday week by [wistful] a vision of loveliness-- BART    Male or Female? ALGY    Female, of course!  You know which direction my loveliness runs.  A trim auburn lass with a back like she'd been born on a horse. BART    There is something to be said for centaurs. ALGY    She said she had been referred to me as a leading authority on certain kinds of paintings. BART    [chuckles expectantly] A-ha! ALGY    Well, I am!  And I have the advantage of being outside the normal rope and cap mobs.  BART    Someone with no affiliation to bat for. ALGY    Correct.  [sigh]  She invited me to her country estate, and how could I refuse?  There are untold treasures hidden in mouldering attics throughout the land! BART    Better you than me.  I loathe the country. ALGY    You loathe anything beyond a ten minute walk from this club. BART    Very true.  [arch]  Oh, you've reminded me, we're in a club.  That means there is hot and cold running alcohol to hand.  Shall we? ALGY    I'll stick to a weak Gin and Tonic, if you don't mind.  I may have ...work... to do later. BART    Oh-ho!! SOUND    GENTLE BELL RINGS, GENTLE DOOR OPENS BUTLER    Sir? BART    Drinks, please.  G and T, heavy on the T, and some of that port I'm so fond of. BUTLER    Excellent selections, sir. SOUND    DOOR CLOSES ALGY    [chuckling] He'd say that regardless of what you asked for. BART    True, but he would say it with a subtle sneer in his voice.  Frankly, I can't remember the vintage of the port in question... but apparently he does. ALGY    Indispensible.  BART    I know you won't recount anything juicy until he returns, so tell me more about this girl? ALGY    Harriet Carter-Nelson.  Last heir of some family or other.  Was left the only house not entailed to a distant chinless wonder.  Took possession, found it rather a crumbling heap, but discovered there were some potentially salable items hidden about the place. BART    Items in the "canvas" line, I assume? ALGY    Precisely. SOUND    TAP AT THE DOOR BART    Come in. SOUND    BUTLER ENTERS, PUTS DOWN DRINKS, LEAVES ALGY    [sips]  Perfect.  Gem of a man. BART    Can't remember his name any more than the vintage, but I do try and appreciate him whenever I have the chance. ALGY    Appreciate him a bit for me, too, would you? BART    Certainly.  [drinks] Now, the canvasses. ALGY    After an hour or so of driving - the place was halfway to Inverness - I came upon a stark silhouette set against a striking sunset.  BART    You paint such pictures with your words. ALGY    I suppose an eye is an eye, for all that.  Checking the coordinates, I discovered I had arrived.  More striking still was the vision of loveliness that greeted me at the door. BART    NOT a butler, then? ALGY    No.  There was some sort of staff about, but she was expecting me, and made certain to be ready upon my arrival. BART    Curiouser and curiouser - a woman who doesn’t make one wait an half hour for her entrance?  I like her already. ALGY    [rueful] As do I.  She lacks that sheen of plasticine that so many women don the moment they "come out" and never seem to take off again.  Everything about her seemed so natural.  So genuine.  MUSIC TRANSITION   SCENE 2    OUTSIDE THE HOUSE SOUND    FROGS, NIGHT NOISES HARRIET    I'm so pleased you found it!  Come in, come in!  Oh, no wait - sorry.  You should turn your car around before the light goes.  Some of the ground is boggy and it's quite treacherous in the dark. ALGY    I'll be perfectly fine. HARRIET     [mock sigh] Your funeral.  Come along. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL THEN WOOD, DOOR SHUTS ALGY    I didn't realize there was any civilization this far into the hinterlands. HARRIET     Oh, there isn't.  Not really.  But I love it out here.  The country is so beautiful - nine weeks out of the year.  Between mold season and mosquito season.  ALGY    [laughs]  BART    [Voice Over] Enough with the flirting - tell me about the paintings. ALGY    [VO] Give me a moment to wallow in our collective wit, won't you? BART    [VO] One more moment, then.  Proceed. HARRIET     There's a set of rooms that's quite liveable, and a few larger enclosed spaces that might pass for human habitation.  [drops the banter]  I'm hoping - truly - that some of the paintings will be worth enough that I can sell them and [loving] rescue the poor house.  [clipped again] You did say you have contacts and know people who might be looking to buy? ALGY    I shall do the best for you that I can. ALGY    [VO] And I would.  Whatever my other interests are, once I give my word, I always keep it. BART    [VO] Particularly to such a lovely young thing, eh, wot? HARRIET     It's very kind of you. ALGY    Well, I do expect to make some little commission on it, of course. HARRIET     Of course.  Right through here. MUSIC   SCENE 3    THE CLUB ROOM SOUND    ALGY DRINKS ALGY    [disgusted sigh] and it was ... tragic. BART    Strong word. ALGY    Strong feeling.  The room she took me into was hung with a dozen limp landscapes. BART    Limp? ALGY    Oh, you know the type "Aunt so-and so painted this in 1860 on the French Riveria". Or "Grandmama was always well regarded for her eye for beauty". BART    Good night.  And after such a long drive! ALGY    And watching that look of hope slide off her dainty face.  The light going out in her hazel eyes. MUSIC   SCENE 4    INSIDE THE HOUSE SOUND    SLIGHT CREAKS WHEN THEY WALK HARRIET     That bad? ALGY    I may be able to get you an odd bob or so - perhaps from an American.  Not more. HARRIET     Oh.  ALGY    It happens to the best of us. ALGY    [VO] She turned away, and the line of her shoulders spoke volumes. BART    [VO] Reading her shoulders?  On a first date? [chuckles] ALGY    I-I-- Perhaps I should... go? HARRIET     No.  [coming to a decision, almost teary]  I... Can I trust you? ALGY    Goodness, would anyone say no to that? HARRIET     [burst of laughter]  Goodness be blowed!  I'm going to take a chance.  People have said good things about you.  Come along. SOUND    WALKING, CREAKING, UNDER VO ALGY    [VO] She took me deep into the bowels of the house, into some sort of secret room.  I watched closely as she tweaked various odds and sods on a rococo mantlepiece, and a panel slid open. SOUND    CREAK AS PANEL SHIFTS SOUND    HOLLOW MOANING WIND HARRIET     There's a family ghost, but it's benign. ALGY    Spirits have never bothered me. ALGY    [VO] And in this room - by gad! BART    [VO] Yes? ALGY    [VO] Arrayed around the walls were a good dozen of what looked like genuine Old masters.  Undiscovered, possibly unknown. BART    [VO] Real?  ALGY    Real? HARRIET    Yes, but.  Problematic. ALGY    How so? HARRIET    Apparently, according to unverifiable family lore, one of our ancestors was quite the notorious bandit. ALGY    Bandit? HARRIET    Highwayman, I believe they called the titled ones.  He raided everything within a week's ride, they say, and stashed most of the boodle here.  Everything that could be sold easily, went long ago.  Gold, jewels, things like that. ALGY    Well, if they were stolen so long ago, I doubt there would be any debate as to the ownership. HARRIET    [very doubtful] Oh... I'm sure. It's just... ALGY    Yes? HARRIET    [pitiable]  There's no money.  Not a sou.  I can't possibly defend even the slightest case.  A solitary whisper of doubt, and I'll lose everything. ALGY    I see. HARRIET    And without concrete provenance, there's no legitimate way I can sell even one of these.  Tragic, isn’t it? ALGY    There are plenty of people who would buy, provenance or no.  You might not get full measure, but that all depends on your patience and negotiating talent. HARRIET    [exasperated] Buyers there may be, but I wouldn't know where to find them!  ALGY    I would. HARRIET    [still fuming, not hearing him immediately] And even if I did, I wouldn't know the first thing to say-- [breaks off, realizing] What? ALGY    I know all the right people.  If you can trust me with any one of those, I'll get you top dollar. HARRIET    But why would you help me?  And how can I possibly trust you? ALGY    Oh, I'll take my standard commission, of course.  And I'll play you fair on the first one, if for no other reason than in hope that you'll let me take on the rest. HARRET    [worried musing] It's a big step.  The mere thought of letting them out of my sight terrifies me.  It's not as if I have insurance or anything.  If the worst should happen - I'd be lost. ALGY    If I could, I would buy one outright from you - at a discount, you understand - and hazard a chance I could make a profit.  But these are far out of my range, unless I were to insult you by offering a pittance. HARRIET    A pittance would at least keep body and soul together until you were able to sell it.  Could you - manage something in a down payment?  Even just call it an assurance - we could write up a contract and everything! ALGY    Oh, I don’t think we need go that far.  But I could advance you something, if you don't mind waiting a day or two.  HARRIET    [musing] Let's see - a day or two for you to get back, then I have to arrange a lift into the city, to get to the bank, and back.... ALGY    [amused] Are you hinting that you would prefer cash? HARRIET    Am I that transparent?  [sweetly]  I used to be quite a good liar, I'm told, but desperation does wear one's nerve a bit thin.  And the local shops no longer honor this house with credit. ALGY    I could manage, say, a thousand pounds assurance.  If you'll let me take that small one. HARRIET    A thousand?  You think this is worth so much? ALGY    Ten times that, at least.  HARRIET    My hero!  I'll have it crated and ready for transport when you return, will that be all right? ALGY    Certainly. MUSIC   SCENE 5    THE CLUB ROOM BART    You didn’t. ALGY    I did. BART    And which one of the limp landscapes did you purchase for a thousand pounds? ALGY    [sigh] A rather dreadful view of some lighthouse that's slightly off plumb. BART    [laughs heartily]  And what do you plan to do about it? ALGY    What do you think? BART    Can you find your way back in again? ALGY    I believe so.  I truly would have played fair with her, but... BART    What can she expect?  Swindling a notorious art thief like "The Badger"? MUSIC - TIME PASSES   SCENE 6    THE CLUB ROOM - NEXT DAY SOUND    DOOR OPENS ALGY    [entering melodramatically]  Oh, Bart!  Bart, my old chum!  All is lost! SOUND    DOOR SHUTS BART    Sit, dear boy.  Sit and tell!  Is this your enchanting titian-haired siren? ALGY    Enchanting!  Enchantress is more like it! BART    Why?  Don’t tell me you couldn't get back into her secret painting room? ALGY    [chortles sarcastically] Oh-ho-ho.  It's far worse than that. BART    Ah.  Good thing I laid on some rather strong liquor when I got your cable.  Drink up. ALGY    [drinks]  There's really not much to tell. BART    I hope you have more than that!  This is expensive stuff! ALGY    I got into the house.  Even managed to find the right combination of whorls on the carving - she’d pushed a number of extra thingumees, did I mention that? BART    So she knew you were watching? ALGY    [sighing admission] Yes.  She's frightfully brilliant. BART    Let me get this straight - this charming chit of a girl has fooled you twice, and yet you still admire her? ALGY    I admire her because she has fooled me twice. BART    And her loveliness has nothing to do with it? ALGY    Well... [smiling] it certainly doesn't hurt. BART    [beat] So... you got into the room. ALGY    Yes.  Yes.  I got in.  BART    [exasperated] And? ALGY    Every one of the frames that I had so closely examined not two weeks before was filled... with landscapes! BART    THE landscapes? ALGY    For all I know she has an infinite supply of the blasted things!  [sudden realization] By Jove! BART    What? ALGY    I can't believe it never occurred to me before - what if I'm not the first? BART    Whatever do you mean? ALGY    What if this little minx has pulled this same trick on other so-called art dealers? BART    [chuckles]  Are you outraged at her daring, or because she didn’t pick you first? ALGY    There she was, dressed in plain homespun, crying infinite poverty, when she may have just held up half the crooked daub handlers in Piccadilly! BART    I can see why you admire her. ALGY    The beast! BART    I can't wait to meet her. ALGY    Wretch! BART    You'll have to bring her around sometime. ALGY    What? BART    Well, you are going to see her again, aren’t you? ALGY    You old dog.  You know everything.  [beat]  She should be here any minute. BART    Then I expect it’s a good thing I’ve dropped a word here and there about a niece who might be coming into town any day now, isn’t it? ALGY    I don’t know why I even try-- SOUND    KNOCK AT DOOR BART    Yes? SOUND    DOOR OPENS, BUTLER ENTERS BUTLER    Sir, there is a young lady here to see mister Algernon Winthrop.  I told her merely that I would inquire...? BART    Proper, as always.  Don’t give her any definite answer, there’s a good chap, but bring her on up.  BUTLER    [slightly miffed]  Very good, sir. SOUND    DOOR CLOSES BART    That.  That is definitely the sound he would make if I placed an order for anything substandard. ALGY    I say, Bart, hide me, would you? BART    What and leave your young lady entirely in my clutches? ALGY    I know you’ll get something out of her, and all the more if she doesn’t realize I’m here.  BART    [indulgent] That door there.  It has a lovely large keyhole, and a connection to the corridor.  I’ll ferret out whatever she's hiding.  You’ll get your hands on those paintings yet. ALGY    Oh, I already have plans for that.  BART    Oh?  What--? SOUND    KNOCK ON DOOR. SOUND    SCRAMBLE AS ALGY HIDES SOUND    HIS DOOR QUIETLY CREAKS SHUT BART    [calling] Come in. SOUND    HER DOOR OPENS SOUND    BART POURS DRINK BUTLER    [introductions]  Miss Harriet Carter-Nelson.  Mister Bartholomew Heatheredge. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SHUTS [NOTE:  from this point until she "overplays her hand", BART and ALGY are pulling a con on Harriet to get her to trade back the painting] BART    [suddenly stern]  Please have a seat, Miss Carter-Nelson.  I pray you won’t take offense at my not rising, but my gout has been simply murder this past week. HARRIET    [uncertain]  But... I was invited here by Mister Winthrop? BART    I have sent him on some trifling errand, in hopes that we might finish our business without his interference.  HARRIET    Business? BART    Poor Algy has a lamentably sentimental nature when it comes to these things. HARRIET    Pray enlighten me of "these things" that you are speaking of? BART    I assume you will not be adverse to endorsing this. SOUND    PAPER PRODUCED WITH A FLOURISH HARRIET    What is it?  [almost a laugh] A bill of sale?  For-- BART    The painting currently in Mr. Winthrop’s possession. HARRIET    But it’s-- BART    Practically worthless?  Nonetheless, Mr. Winthrop requests that you make it over to him in its entirety, in return for monies which have already changed hands - to wit, one thousand pounds. HARRIET    Why should he want to claim ownership of the silly thing? BART    [fraught with ominous meaning] Why indeed.  [brisk] All you need concern yourself with is your signature on that document, placing the item into legal custody of my client. HARRIET    Client? BART    Did he fail to mention that I am his family solicitor? HARRIET    [worried]  Solicitor.  Yes, I believe he overlooked that. BART    Come, come.  He won’t be gone all day. HARRIET    No.  I would like to hear the reason for this. BART    [furious] Miss Carter-Nelson!  I am not here to give explanations, merely to get one of two outcomes from you - and while my preference would be for you to regain your painting, and my client his money, that is undoubtedly out of the question.  Should the need arise, I am also prepared to begin legal proceedings. HARRIET    [gasp] SOUND    KNOCK ALGY    [outside] I say, Bart, have you got someone in there? BART    Drat. HARRIET    [musing] Lamentably sentimental, you say? BART    Mister Winthrop, perhaps you would-- HARRIET    [loud, over him, cheery] Come in! SOUND    DOOR OPENS, ALGY ENTERS ALGY    Good gracious!  Are you keeping secrets from me, old man? BART    I am merely trying to legitimize the transaction that passed between you two-- HARRIET    [flirty] He’s trying to get me to sign over all ownership of that painting. ALGY    Oh!  Good job.  Go on. HARRIET    You... you actually WANT it? ALGY    [hinting] It’s not a matter of what I want-- BART    [cutting him off]  AHEM.  It’s a matter of making the entire situation clear and above board.  The painting has more than been compensated for.  HARRIET    [suspicious] What do you plan to do with it? BART    [rising irritation] That is none of your concern!  The only thing that needs to happen here and now is for you to transfer title or return my client’s deposit. HARRIET    This is hardly fair.  I should need to consult a solicitor as well - see to it that this bill of sale is proper and aboveboard! BART    You’re right, of course.  If you will give me the name of your solicitor, I can contact him directly.  [muttered]  Probably best to have him on hand, regardless, just in case Mr. Winthrop decides to take my advice as to... legal action. HARRIET    Mr. Winthrop, I just want to-- ALGY    You can call me Algernon, if you like, Miss Carter-Nelson. HARRIET    [hesitant, confused]  Algernon.  Very well, but I-- ALGY    And perhaps I might be allowed to call you Harriet? HARRIET    [a bit wry]  Will it help convince you this does not require legal action if we are on a first name basis? ALGY    [laughs]  Perhaps. HARRIET    [slightly wheedling] Will it help convince you to let me in on the big secret about the... uh... painting in question?  ALGY    Oh, that.  It’s really quite simple-- BART    Ahem. ALGY    [fatuous] Hush, Barty. I know how to handle women. BART    AHEM! ALGY    Shall I ring and have someone bring you a lozenge?  No?  Very well.  [confidential, pleased]  Now Harriet.  I can take a joke as well as the next fellow.  Don’t you agree? HARRIET    You’ve been a pip. ALGY    And I’m sure you feel that perhaps I’ve only got what I deserve, as I may very well have been on the verge of stealing your lovely old master, or at the very least short-changing such a poor but lovely young heiress. HARRIET    You would be surprised how many might consider such dastardly deeds, given our relative positions. ALGY    [annoyed] How many?  [smooth again]  Well, I can assure you that I would have played fair with you - and got you the best possible deal--   BART    That is all moot.  Why don’t you just null the entire transaction and give the painting back.  The colonel-- [catching himself in a mistake] I mean, the person in question - ahem - has stated a clear unwillingness to own any piece of dubious origin. ALGY    A-HEM. HARRIET    [musing] A Colonel? ALGY    I suppose you must have realized by now that I have a potential buyer for the painting, and that I will be making back - mm - more than my thousand.  HARRIET    For that drab thing? ALGY    Some pieces sell on merit, others on sentiment.  The best salesmen are those who find the right customers. HARRIET    How much? BART    As far as you are concerned, it is one thousand pounds, already paid, and an agreement on my client’s part not to litigate for false pretenses. HARRIET    No, really, [very warm] Algernon.  How much? ALGY    [melting] I’ve been offered five thousand, but only with a clear title. HARRIET    [shock] Five? For Great Aunt Ermintrude’s "Impressions of a Baltic Lighthouse?" BART    [muttered] A leaning Baltic lighthouse. ALGY    [annoyed]  A Baltic lighthouse a certain colonel recognizes as a place near where he was once stationed in his youth.  A place he used to meet his one true love. HARRIET    [amazed]  Truly? ALGY    So he says, and I was of no mind to disabuse him. HARRIET    Suddenly I have been hit with a terrible guilt complex about having taken such foul advantage of you.  ALGY    Oh really? HARRIET    Such a sentimental streak - I never would have suspected it. ALGY    I hide it well. BART    [snort of laughter turned into cough] HARRIET    I think the best way to handle this is to give you your money back and call it all even. ALGY    Oh, really? HARRIET    Yes.  And, just to show what a good sport I am, I’d - I'd like to make a present of the silly thing to your friend -um- colonel, uh...?  [hinting] ALGY    [breaks down laughing] BART    I fear you’ve overplayed your hand, young lady. HARRIET    I?  Whatever do you mean? ALGY    You are adorable. HARRIET    [offended] You make it sound as if I was a puppy! ALGY    [still trying to stop laughing] No, no, no.  You are far cleverer than any puppy. HARRIET    I should hope so.  [huff]  I think this is where I should take my leave. ALGY    [suddenly sober]  No.  HARRIET    [wary]  Why? ALGY    There’s still the matter of my money. HARRIET    Get it from your colonel! SOUND    A BIT OF A SCUFFLE AS HE STOPS HER FROM LEAVING BART    Here now!  Here now!  I will not have this!  Sit down, both of you! SOUND    THEY BREAK APART WITH A GASP BART    I said sit!  SOUND    CHAIR NOISES SOUND    DRINKS POURED BART    I have the perfect answer to this dilemma, if you will just be quiet and listen. ALGY    He probably does.  He’s very clever. HARRIET    I think you both find yourselves too clever by half. ALGY    You fit in quite nicely, then, don’t you? BART    How odd.  I distinctly recall-- Did I not say to be quiet?  ALGY    [teasing] We’ll be good, papa. HARRIET    Are you planning to mete out justice like old king Solomon? BART    Do you want half a painting?  [beat]  Good.  Now.  The way I see it, your problem, Miss Carter-Nelson, is you wish to preserve your home, and are going about it in this rather nefarious manner.  HARRIET    Well... BART    This is no time for prevarication, miss --Harriet. HARRIET    I am using what little I have to save my home.  Yes.  BART    Very well. HARRIET    And if I happen to take slight advantage over those who otherwise would have taken similar advantage of me-- ALGY    I already told you, Harriet darling, I would never have-- HARRIET    But I couldn’t know that, could I? BART    Hush!  [beat]  I swear you bicker like-- well, we’ll leave that for the moment.  [chuckles]  And your problem, dear boy, is you would love to get your hands on the lovely old masters this young woman consorts with. HARRIET    [amused] You make it sound quite filthy! ALGY    [quiet] Not the only thing.  [up] Yes.  I would love to be the one to discover such lovely pieces and be able to find them good homes.  Even legitimate ones. BART    Oh, well then - the answer is simple. HARRIET    Oh?  Really? BART    You two should marry. HARRIET    [startled, outraged] What? ALGY    Capital idea.  Was thinking something along those lines myself. HARRIET    oh!  [indignant gasp]  Here! SOUND    PURSE CLICKS OPEN, COUNT OUT MONEY HARRIET    Here is your blasted thousand pounds. SOUND    MONEY TOSSED ON TABLE SOUND    PURSE SNAPPED SHUT HARRIET    [huff] Good day! SOUND    SHE LEAVES, SLAMMING THE DOOR BART    [chuckle] She suits you.  ALGY    [confident] Just a matter of time. BART    Make sure to send along some of the wedding cake, there's a good chap.  THE END ANNOUNCER    [credits]

An alien encounter with a battle of wills.  And a bunch of stereotypical accents!

[NOTE: Outdated and non-PC terminology regarding mental issues] Written and produced by Julie Hoverson "Not guilty by reason of insanity" sounds like an easy out to murderer Edmund - but when he checks into Dr. Larson's mental hospital, he gets much more than he bargained for. Cast List Edmund/Achilles - Kim Turner Preacher Ronald - Pat McNally Rose Connelly - Joy Jackson Hector - Cole Hornaday Dr. Larson - Marge Lutton Terrance - Greg Porter Lawyer - Sigmund Hoverson Ape man - Reynaud LeBoeuf District Attorney - Melinda Mains Also heard - Julie Hoverson Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Sound effects found on Soundsnap.com Cover Photos:  Front - Witek Burkiewicz (via Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it?  Why, it's an insane asylum - can't you tell?  Where else would you find... a murderer?" ************************************************************************ MURDER WARD Cast: OLIVIA, the host EDMUND Rafelsen (M/30s) - evil alter ego "Achilles" RUDY Horton, Esq. (M/50s) - Edmund's lawyer TERRANCE (M/20s) - the guard ROSE Connelly (F/20s) - paranoid, hears voices HECTOR Wilson (M/20s) - phobic, fears women RONALD Tomlinson (M/40s) - believes he's obeying god VINCENT (M/any) - frightening, violently crazy DOCTOR Sara LARSON (F/40s) - psychiatrist CROWD, GIRL, MOM, KID - any voices DISTRICT ATTORNEY - District Attorney OLIVIA    Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's an insane asylum, can't you tell?  Where else would you find ...a murderer?  MUSIC OLIVIA    [voice over]  "Not guilty by reason of insanity".  A legal defense, often misused to try and get a lighter sentence for a heinous crime.  And what does it really mean?  In a nutshell--   SCENE 1.  OFFICE RUDY    --it means at the time you did what you did, you didn't - couldn't - understand what you were doing was wrong.  It's a tough sell, Ed.  No matter what the movies make out, most juries just don't believe-- EDMUND    [cultured voice]  Mr. Horton, I would prefer that you address me directly when you speak to me. RUDY    Ed, this isn't funny. EDMUND    There is no "Ed" here.  Edmund, however, is sleeping.  Mr. Horton, if you cannot bring yourself to use my name, at least-- RUDY    OK, look-- SOUND    rustling paper RUDY    [disapproving]  --Achilles - I-- EDMUND    And I am not insane.  Nor is Edmund.  I knew perfectly well what I did was wrong.  All those pretty little women.  I was really doing them a favor.  The world is so harsh. RUDY    I--  Look, Achilles, let me talk to Ed for a while.  It's his name on the docket, after all. EDMUND    Very well.  I shall rouse him for you.  [voice changes to more lower class - after this, he speaks as Ed any time not otherwise noted]  Yeah?  What is it shyster?  Hey!  Why's my cigarette all burned down all of a sudden? MUSIC   SCENE 2.  COURTROOM crowd    [MURMURS] SOUND    gavel DOCTOR Larson    Ahem.  As I said, after a thorough examination, I have concluded that while Edmund is nominally the dominant persona, his alter ego Achilles was the one who actually committed... [fade out] MUSIC   SCENE 3.  ASYLUM HALLWAY sound    footsteps on tile.  jingle of keys TERRANCE    Guess you think you're lucky, eh? SOUND    door unlocks EDMUND    And why's that? SOUND    door opens inmates    [AD LIB, MURMURS "IN CHARACTER" see monologues at end] EDMUND    What the--? TERRANCE    Your new pals, bub.  As I was saying, I guess you THINK you're lucky, getting off without the death penalty and all.  Come on. SOUND    slow footsteps EDMUND    Look mac, I thought I was gonna have a private room-- TERRANCE    These are the induction cells.  Once the Doc gets a handle on your syko-sees, she'll move you to someplace appropriate. EDMUND    She?  SOUND    footsteps stop TERRANCE    Sure.  You saw her at your trial - Doctor Larson.  She's got some big-brain new ideas about how ta deal with luniacks like yourself.  SOUND    keys JINGLE.  TERRANCE    Your room, misshur. SOUND    cell unlocks, DOOR opens. EDMUND    But, but there's a DAME in here.  Ain't we supposed to be-- TERRANCE    Funny thing about that.  Dames go off the pier too.  And we're overbooked in that department.  She probly won't be here long.  Besides, she's waaaay over there.  She can't hurt you. SOUND    footsteps HECTOR    [fading in - urgent milktoast]  --he's right.  She shouldn't be in here.  You don't understand the damage they can do.  [fading] Women are-- RONALD    [fading in, hissing whispers]  ‑‑have new instructions.  It is time for you to let me go.  HE has declared it.  [fading]  My presence is required-- SOUND    footsteps end, jingle of keys ROSE    [fading in] --staring at me.  Are you sure they can't get out?  Please, would you check the locks again?  [fading]  I'm so afraid-- SOUND    door opens and shuts. inmates    [MOMENT OF SILENCE] ROSE    [sigh] RONALD    [normal, husky voice]  Hey.  New guy.  Got any smokes? EDMUND    What? RONALD    Smokes.  EDMUND    Even if I did, they wouldn't let us have any matches, would they? ROSE    [hard dame]  Who are you kidding?  You can get pretty much anything in here, just as long as you know who to ask.  And HOW to ask it. EDMUND    Funny, you sounded crazy a minute ago. ROSE    [snort]  Yeah, well.  We all have our bad days...  [raising voice slightly]  And some never have good days, right Heck? HECTOR    Wicked Jezebel.  You shouldn't be here. ROSE    [to Edmund]  We're pretty sure that Hector there is the real McCoy.  RONALD    Now, now.  We're ALL nuts.  We must keep that in mind. ROSE    Yeah, but THAT guy - he just never lets up! EDMUND    But if you ain't crazy-- RONALD    [chuckles]  Court says we are.  Even with moments of lucidity, well--  What can they do? EDMUND    What if they're listening?  Recording, maybe? ROSE    I thought I was the one with the persecution complex. RONALD    I've been trying to catch them for over a month.  Nothing doing.  They're just not interested.  Besides, once the jury brings down the verdict, the court has to keep you locked you up until they cure you. ROSE    OR you give up and confess. RONALD    Oh, sure.  [sarcastic]  I'll just admit it was all phony, take my lumps and go to the Chair!  EDMUND    What if one of you decides to squeal? ROSE    [laughs]  Who'd take the word of a head case? HECTOR    If you try and spit your fiendish poison at me, fiend, I shall find a way to defend myself! rose    [disgusted sigh]  I am real sick of him.  RONALD    He probably had a bad mother. ROSE    Yeah?  Well who didn't? EDMUND    The guard said I'd only be in here for a little while-- RONALD    Yeah.  Us too.  I've now been here for two months, and Rose-- ROSE    Rose Connelly, p'raps you hearda me? EDMUND    YOU'RE Rose Connelly? rose    [pleased]  Yeah.  The one and only.  My sister's got a scrapbook of clippings for me.  She can't bring them, but she tells me all about them when she visits.  RONALD    Rose's been here about three weeks.  Since her sentencing. EDMUND    And Romeo over there? ROSE    Hah!  Cute.  Two incredibly long days.  EDMUND    And...this is it? RONALD    What? EDMUND    This is what we get?  I mean, in prison they at least get some kind of exercise and stuff.  Geneva convention, and all that.  ROSE    Ah, it's just temporary.  I guess the loony bins are all booked up right now.  [giggles]  Say, maybe there's a convention in town. RONALD    Don't worry.  We get to talk to the Doc each day, regular as clockwork.  She's a sweetheart, but I bet Hector isn't making any improvements. HECTOR    [matter of fact]  Doctor?  She's the devil!  I refuse to give her the satisfaction of a single word. ROSE    [derisive]  "Doctor," hah!  She's the one that let me get myself in here.  I thought it would be real tough to fool a head shrinker, but boy was she a pushover.  Always so sympathetic.  So understanding.  She don't deserve to be a nurse, let alone a doctor.  RONALD    Funny, she testified at my trial too.  Hmm.  Guess we both got lucky. EDMUND    [absently]  Yeah.  Lucky. MUSIC   SCENE 4.  DOCTOR'S OFFICE DOCTOR Larson    Edmund, I can't help you if you refuse to cooperate.  EDMUND    [as Achilles]  I am trying my utmost, madam, but he simply refuses to converse with you. DOCTOR Larson    [not batting an eye]  Then let's you and I talk, Achilles.  You claim that the killing was-- EDMUND    [as Achilles]  Killings.  Let us be precise.  Mercy killings, actually.  [fading]  I felt so kindly‑‑ MUSIC   SCENE 5.  CELL HALLWAY SOUND    SNORING from all inmates SOUND    scritching, like a mouse trying to bore through wood EDMUND    [snores, then wakes, frightened]  Ah! ah!  What? [NOTE    LOW VOICES] RONALD    Shh.  You'll wake the neighbors. EDMUND    What was that?  But that noise - it's-- RONALD    I know.  We call him Mortimer. EDMUND    This place has mice? RONALD    We haven't seen him, so we're not sure what particular type of rodentia he is, but we sure hear him.  Particularly when it's quiet.  EDMUND    But how can I get any sleep--? RONALD    You get used to it.  We all get used to lots of things. HECTOR    [coming awake with a scream]  Aaagh!  Off me, you fiend from hell!  No! No! [goes on incoherently] ROSE    [Wakes with a whimper] [NOTE    VOICES NORMAL] EDMUND    That'll take some getting used to. RONALD    Yeah. MUSIC   SCENE 6.  DOCTOR'S OFFICE DOCTOR Larson    Edmund, why don't you tell me about your mother? EDMUND    [as Edmund]  My mother?  What - why?  My mother's fine.  She got nothing to do with this. DOCTOR Larson    Do you love your mother? EDMUND    Well, o'course.  I mean, you gotta - it's just nature, ain't it?  [trailing off with] No matter... what... she does t'you. DOCTOR LARSON    What did your mother do, Edmund?  [beat]  Edmund? EDMUND    [as Achilles]  It's no use, doctor.  He has gone into retreat. MUSIC   SCENE 7.  CELL HALLWAY SOUND    cell block door opens INMATES    [begin their various muttering] TERRANCE    This way folks.  Step lively now. SOUND    CROWD MURMURS, LOTS OF SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS HECTOR    What is this?  How dare you bring in more of THEM!  Mischief!  Mischief! ROSE    [aside, shocked, not pretending] What's a kid doing here? MOM    Tommy, now look at that - that's what crazy folks look like. KID    Gee. TERRANCE    [like a carnival barker] Not just any crazy folks, lady, these are all crazy murderers! CROWD    Ooh! TERRANCE    Each and every one of these... people... has committed the most heinous of crimes! GIRL    Wow, look at that one over there, he's kinda cute--! HECTOR    Harlot!  Harlot!  Do not approach, or I must smite thee down! GIRL    What's smite - is that bad? TERRANCE    Best to stay away from the bars.  Now, this here is Rose Connolly, known throughout the entire state-- ROSE    [seriously disturbed] Stop looking at me!  How can you--?  Get them outta here, wontcha?  TERRANCE    --For killing her husband while under the inexorable compulsion of a persecution complex. ROSE    This isn't right! GIRL    What's inexcorable - is that bad? MOM    Killing your man - now, that ain't right! RONALD    Come, come, now - leave her, she is unimportant, aha!  But I - I have a message to give unto you. MUSIC - TIME PASSES   SCENE 8.  CELL HALLWAY SOUND    CROWD WANDERS OUT, DOOR SHUTS ROSE    [Breaks down]  Oh! RONALD    How mortifying. ROSE    [sobbing]  Like animals in a zoo.  EDMUND    I'm surprised they didn't start throwing us peanuts. RONALD    I tried to get them away from you, Rose, I really did.  But big headlines trumps preaching, I guess. HECTOR    This should stand as a warning to you, woman!  You are never alone!  There is always a witness to the wicked things you do! ROSE    I have had just about enough out of you!  You-- noisy little weasel!  We girls, we're just folks just like everybody else - you have no right to-- RONALD    Rose, calm down.  Shh.  It's not going to help. EDMUND    Yeah.  For crying out loud, we've made it this far, how much worse can it get?  MUSIC   SCENE 9.  DOCTOR'S OFFICE EDMUND    [as Achilles]  It was mortifying for Edmund, Doctor.  I think he may have suffered a terrible setback. DOCTOR    Now, the tours are conducted for very good reasons. EDMUND    What, pray tell? DOCTOR    It's really not something we should be discussing, but - since you are so concerned - First, it is to show the public that this facility is on the up and up - you've certainly heard of the old fashioned "asylums" where inmates were neglected and beaten?  This way, nothing is hidden - so no abuses occur-- EDMUND    [almost breaking character]  No abuses? DOCTOR    Also, it helps to make insanity seem less frightening to the general public.  Most people have seen insanity only in movies - where it is so inevitably terribly destructive and dangerous.  This way, they see the human side of it. EDMUND    [as Achilles] I see that your intentions are admirable, but I can't help but think that a trip through the violent ward would merely reinforce the negative popular belief? DOCTOR    That's why the tour through the violent ward is only for serious students of psychology.  [fading]  You must have misunderstood. MUSIC   SCENE 10.  CELL HALLWAY SOUND    cell block door opens RONALD    And the lord said-- ROSE    Can't you make them stop staring? SOUND    footsteps, door closes inmates    [CONTINUE MURMURS] sound    cell door opens EDMUND    [Achilles]  Thank you, my good man. SOUND    cell door closes, footsteps.  then a scuffle! HECTOR    [struggling]  Give it to me!  TERRANCE    [struggling]  Leave go, you ape! HECTOR    [struggling]  I have to-- oof! [air knocked out of him] SOUND    two footsteps.  dusting off hands TERRANCE    That'll show you to tangle with me.  HECTOR    [weak]  Yes, but ... I have your gun. ROSE    [scream]  EDMUND    Stop him Ron - you're closest! SOUND    Gun shot TERRANCE    Aargh! ROSE    Oh no!  No! HECTOR    [calm and creepy] The next one is for you, Delilah!  Salome! ROSE    Me?  I didn't do anything-- [gasps] inmates    [GASP] SOUND    CLICK RONALD    Who put out the lights? HECTOR    It was the monster - Lilith, devourer of infants!  SOUND    Pssst of gas EDMUND    Do you... hear... [getting sleepy] Some...thing...? MUSIC - TIME PASSES   SCENE 11.  CELL HALLWAY EDMUND    [waking up]  Hmm?  Wha--? RONALD    [groans] ROSE    [wakes with a startled gasp] EDMUND    What happened? RONALD    At least the lights are back on. ROSE    But I don't wanna open my eyes. EDMUND    Look! RONALD    Where?  [disgust]  Oh! ROSE    Just ... just tell me, I don't wanna-- EDMUND    Better you don't look, Rose.  [muttered]  That's a lot of blood. RONALD    [muttered back]  You don't lose that much and walk away.  Too bad.  Terry was a right guy. ROSE    Blood?  Oh, no!  Hector?  Where is he?  He's going to shoot me! RONALD    Calm down, Rose.  He's gone. EDMUND    So's the guard.  There's just the... blood. SOUND    CLICK - LOUDSPEAKER ON DOCTOR Larson    [filter/loudspeaker]  We apologize for the inconvenience of using a psychotropic gas on you.  EDMUND    Gas? DOCTOR Larson    [filter]  Rest assured there will be no long-term effects.  EDMUND    That was what I heard. DOCTOR Larson    [filter]  If you are feeling groggy or your head aches, sit quietly, breath deeply, and it will pass. SOUND    CLICK - LOUDSPEAKER OFF ROSE    [breathing deeply but raggedly]  It wasn't our fault - they haveta know that!  EDMUND    It's not like we're a bunch of babes in the woods.  They may know what happened and just not care. ROSE    So just because I killed my husband, I;m gonna - I'm gonna hurt a random stranger?  That's silly. RONALD    [chuckles]  No.  Just insane, m'dear.  MUSIC   SCENE 12.  OFFICE RUDY    I don't see any way to-- EDMUND    What?  This is cruel and inhumane-- RUDY    You don't understand, Ed.  [dry]  It is Ed I'm talking to, isn't it? EDMUND    Yeah, yeah. RUDY    You are not a free citizen.  You've been consigned to DOCTOR Larson's care, and-- EDMUND    Now you don't understand, Horton.  A guard was killed last night, in our block-- RUDY    You didn't--? EDMUND    Nah, it was this loony who thinks women are all evil. RUDY    Which, of course, you don't--? EDMUND    This ain't the time for that, Rudy.  I'm talking about a murder. RUDY    There's no record of-- EDMUND    The corpse's name is Terry, Terrance, something like that.  He is - was - a guard here.  Come on, someone's gotta be doing something! RUDY    I haven't seen anything in the papers.  These state-run facilities, though-- sometimes they're like a world in themselves. EDMUND    Well get me another world. RUDY    [chuckles]  There's only ONE way to do that. EDMUND    Yes? RUDY    Admit that you're not insane... and go to the chair. MUSIC   SCENE 13.  CELL HALLWAY SOUND    cell block door opens, rose's footsteps and a heavy set of man's footsteps, slow and measured. ROSE    Can't you please stop looking at me?  I know why - I know why you're staring!  You can read my mind! SOUND    keys jingle EDMUND    [Achilles]  You are such a lovely young lady.  And so frightened.  Come to me and I shall cure you of all your fear. SOUND    door unlocks, opens rose    Stop!  Don't say things like that.  He never takes his eyes off of me, you know.  RONALD    [quietly]  And he said unto me, for I am the way-- SOUND    rose's quick footsteps, door shuts, locks. EDMUND    Hey, buddy, don't you talk? SOUND    keys jingle.  Heavy footsteps leave RONALD    Justice is ever mute. SOUND    door opens, closes INMATES    [beat] EDMUND    What's with that guy? RONALD    I hate being ignored like that. ROSE    He didn't say anything in the halls - going to the doc's office OR coming back, either.  No matter what I did. EDMUND    Did the doc say anything about the dead guard? ROSE    Not a word, even though I asked.  She just ignored the question. RONALD    She didn't ignore you completely, though? ROSE    No... But she didn't say much.  Did she talk to you at all during your appointment? RONALD    I didn't have an appointment with her this morning. EDMUND    But you were gone-- RONALD    I wasn't going to say anything, but the guard just took me out and walked me around the halls for an hour.  MUSIC   SCENE 14.  OFFICE EDMUND    I got rights, Horton! RUDY    Well, technically, no.  Actually, I could do more for you if you WERE in prison.  Once you're committed to the doctor's care, you really can't complain.  Particularly since you don't have any proof for any of your allegations-- EDMUND    Allegations?  Proof?  How's this for proof - the others will back me up! RUDY    [condescending]  Two other certified inmates?  Oh, sure.  That'll stand up in court. MUSIC   SCENE 15. EDMUND    You guys ever wonder what they did with old Hector? RONALD    Solitary confinement, I guess.  Killing a guard's pretty serious. EDMUND    [sarcastic] Oh, yeah, unlike whatever it was we did to get here. ROSE    Hey, I draw the line at killing strangers.  EDMUND    Just your husband? ROSE    Looking back, I guess it wasn't such a great idea. RONALD    You guess?  Hah! You-- EDMUND    Why'd you do it, then?  Did he push you around or something? ROSE    [snorts] Nah.  If he'd'a beaten me, I woulda had a defense in court.  Nah, it was just little things.  Like the sounds he makes when he eats - ate - and the thing with his toenails.  Us women have to put up with this kind of thing all the time, but...  It just got to me. EDMUND    It just got to you?  ROSE    Well, yeah!  RONALD    There's a reason the marriage vows say until death do we part-- ROSE    AND I wasn't going to the chair for something like that, so I started pulling the "he was out to get me" hash on my lawyer, and it worked.  More or less.  Not like this joint is anything to write home about.  RONALD    It wasn't so bad up until that guy Hector showed up.  Since then... well. EDMUND    So who'd you kill? SOUND    tinny chamber music begins to pipe in, very quietly. RONALD    I don’t think so-- EDMUND    [pushing] Go on.  Who? ROSE    Oh, leave off.  Hey, that's kind of nice. RONALD    What?  ROSE    The music. RONALD    Hmm.  And if I prefer to maintain my right to avoid self-incrimination? EDMUND    Geez.  Don't take it that way, I was just curious.  [pause]  I killed four women. ROSE    Four?  Maybe I SHOULD be worried. SOUND    MUSIC STARTS TO VERY SLOWLY GET LOUDER EDMUND    Oh, I put on a song and dance for the cops about how they needed to be killed to save them and all.  Making up a Mr. Hyde personality to take all the blame.  [beat]  Three of em were mob snitches.  ronald    So what, you're a hit man? EDMUND    I owed some money.  Shouldn't have got caught at all, seeing as how there was no connection between me and them, but the cops got something - fingerprints or something - and they tracked me down. ROSE    And ...the fourth? EDMUND    Huh?  [offhanded]  Oh, just some dame - I did her to throw off the connections and make myself look nuts.  I'd already figured on being caught - and better a whacko than a torpedo, ya know?  SOUND    MUSIC IS LOUD ENOUGH THAT THEY ARE RAISING THEIR VOICES OVER IT RONALD    You are some piece of work. EDMUND    Still casting stones, eh, preacher?  Why don't you explain how you got here--  What in the name of --- What IS that MUSIC? ROSE    It was ok... to start with... but, now--! SOUND    MUSIC REACHES A CRESCENDO, THEN CUTS OUT WITH MUSIC STING - TIME PASSES   SCENE 16.  CELL HALLWAY SOUND    door lock unlocks, door opens. RONALD    --said the offender must be plucked out! SOUND    slow footsteps EDMUND    I am so sick of this guy. ROSE    Are you taking me away?  I know you've been watching me. SOUND    rattle of large chain, stumbling footsteps victor    [growls and snaps]  sound    keys, cell door opens. ROSE    [whispered]  Ed?  Ed?  That guy - is he even human? EDMUND    [whispered]  Shh.  I dunno. ROSE    [whispered]  But he's so... so huge! SOUND    shuffling footsteps, chain rattling. RONALD    The beast!  For I have seen-- victor    [growl - lunge] SOUND    scuffle of feet, chains clang against bars. RONALD    Aah!  SOUND    scuffle away. victor    [snarling] SOUND    thunk of nightstick on flesh, rattle of chains ROSE    He didn't-- it didn't even notice!  The guard hit it and hit it--  [screaming]  Get me out of here!  Please!  Please get me out of here!  SOUND    cell door closes, locks, rattle of chains against bars EDMUND    Shh.  He's not listening anyway. ROSE    Anything!  Whatever you want!  [collapsing into sobs]  I can't take any more! SOUND    guard's footsteps, keys, cell block door unlocked ROSE    Please!  I'll admit everything!  Take me to the doctor - the lawyer - the JUDGE!  Anything! SOUND    [beat]  footsteps, keys, cell door unlocks. ROSE    [Breaking down] Oh... thank you.  Thank you...! MUSIC   SCENE 17.  OFFICE RUDY    --none of your business.  She's not my case.  Now, Ed, they can keep you locked up any way they want - with anyone they want - for as long as they want.  You're getting three squares a day, right? EDMUND    Usually.  Sometimes it comes pretty late, though.  And there's been a couple of times it's been too salty to eat. RUDY    So they have a crummy cook - place like this?  Go figure.  EDMUND    You gotta get me out of here, Rudy. RUDY    I've told you, there's no place else to put you. MUSIC   SCENE 18.  CELL HALLWAY RONALD    I think he's asleep. EDMUND    It.  Rose called it an it. RONALD    I asked the doctor about Rose.  The doc said a whole lot of nothing, but I get the impression she - Rose - has revealed all, as they say, and is heading for a short vacation in a nice clean death row cell. EDMUND    Not so bad for her.  Women get pardoned all the time, specially pretty ones.  RONALD    Yeah.  And you would know all about the pretty ones, eh? EDMUND    [remembering fondly]  They were all lookers, yeah.  RONALD    How can you sleep?  EDMUND    Don't get high and mighty moral on me, bud, you're in here too. RONALD    I was only--  It WAS a moral choice.  A decision that had to be made and no one was making it. EDMUND    Oh, so who'd you kill?  Cripples? RONALD    I ended the suffering of several decrepit-- VINCENT    [ROAR!] SOUND    chains smack against cell bars RONALD    [half choking] Let go! edmund    Nobody's got arms that--! RONALD    [gasping]  Get someone!  You gotta-- [choking] EDMUND    Hey!  Hey! over here, ugly! SOUND    rattle of chains RONALD    [gasps for breath] SOUND    thumping footsteps, rattle of chains EDMUND    Hah!  Gorilla!  Even you can't reach this far, eh?  SOUND    cell door being shaken victor    [growls] RONALD    [hoarse]  Thanks, pal. EDMUND    Don't thank me yet - I think those hinges are coming loose! SOUND    cell door BREAKS open, rattle of chains RONALD    Oh, god!  No!  Release the gas!  Someone please release the gas!!!  [choking] victor    [growls] SOUND    chains rattling against bars SOUND    tinny chamber music plays over the fight noises EDMUND    Not the music!  The gas!  He's dying, for crying out loud!  RONALD    [expiring noise] SOUND    gas MUSIC   SCENE 19.  OFFICE EDMUND    Horton, whatever I need to do, whatever I need to sign, just hand it over.  I ain't spending another night in this place. RUDY    You understand the consequences?  You won't have the slightest option of recanting again and going back to your original statement.  EDMUND    Yeah, yeah.  Anything - and I mean anything - is better than this freak show.  MUSIC   SCENE 20.  RECEPTION PARTY SOUND    glasses tinkle, drinks being poured DOCTOR Larson    I'm so glad you find my program effective, Mr. District Attorney. DISTRICT ATTORNEY    Well, I admit I had my doubts, when you first outlined it-- DOCTOR Larson    You expressed concern about the danger of physical harm to the subject?  As you now see, there is never any direct physical contact.  Thus, there can be no allegations of physical harm or coersion. ROSE    He might have come close to dying with fright, though.  [teasing]  You were quite terrifying, darling. victor    [growls jokingly, then fairly cultured voice]  After fifteen movies as monsters ROSE    And an apeman... VICTOR    [chuckles]  And one apemen, who wouldn't be? HECTOR    I'm rather glad I get to duck out early.  Murderers just [shudders] give me the creeps. TERRANCE    Hey, we're out of sham-pane.  Want me to go and get some more? HECTOR    Nah, I'll go.  Be right back!  DISTRICT ATTORNEY    It seems like a lot of effort, though, for a single confession.  A lot of manpower.  [tip of the hat]  And woman power. DOCTOR Larson    Ah, but it's valuable work on a number of levels.  We convince a murderer to confess, and we learn a great deal about the human psyche each time through the experiment. DISTRICT ATTORNEY    Each time?  How many--? ROSE    Hmm...  [thinking]  I've had the screaming meemies four times-- RONALD    And I've nearly died... oh, three, I think. DOCTOR Larson    Not all of them last as long as our good friend Edmund.  DISTRICT ATTORNEY    I'll drink to that. MUSIC CLOSER       INDIVIDUAL SPEECHES FOR THE "INMATES" FOR "ad lib" SECTIONS ROSE    I can feel them, all the time, watching everything I do - always making sure.  Always knowing.  I never get a moment alone, never a smidgen of privacy.  How can I live like this?  It's always the same - at first, they seem so nice, so different, then they turn on you, controlling you, having to know everything you do, and then they just don't let you do anything.  I couldn't even have a glass of water without getting permission. HECTOR    Sinner!  Be penitent and god may be merciful and end your despicable life - hah, raise your head in the presence of your condemnation, will you?  Created to sin, designed by Satan to tempt honest men from the path of righteousness.  Daughters of Eve, you share her taint!  You try and draw us into your web, to make us debase ourselves for your enjoyment!  Wickedness!  Temptress!  Succubus! RONALD    God moves in mysterious ways, for his decisions are inscrutable and his calling ineffable.  He has summoned me to his bidding, and I must obey.  There is no evil in ending the suffering of those that god would have called home to his presence.  He does not strike out in anger, but reaches forth to embrace his injured and damaged children, who need his solace.

Might be harder to explore space than we expect.  

Sometimes "reality" TV takes it one step too far.  Sometimes two steps.  Sometimes a flying leap. WARNING:  IMPLIED VIOLENCE AND TORTURE Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Announcer  - Frankenvox Alison - Beverly Poole Bart - Michael Faigenblum Carl - Mike Campbell Debbie - E. Vickery Ms. Sheldon - Sharon Delong Tanya - Tanja Milojevic Mom - Shayla Conrad-Simms Dad - Reynaud LeBoeuf Son - Eli Nilsson Fred - Joel Harvey Bob - Glen Hallstrom Helen - Helen Edwards June - Shelbi McIntyre Kathy - Kim Poole Additional Voices - Russell Gold; Julie Hoverson Music by Brian Bochicchio (Seraphic Panoply) Show theme:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock   "What kind of a place is it? Why it's right here, right now, can't you tell?" ************************************************************************ IDIOT BOX Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] TV Announcer Alison, chipper Bart, sullen Carl, upbeat, hearty Debbie, nervous, angry underneath Ms. Sheldon, executive producer Tanya, in the sound booth Family - mom, dad, teenage son Bar - Fred, Bob, Helen Dorm - June, Kathy OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's right here, right now, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND     THEME MUSIC ANNOUNCER    last week, in the record-breaking debut of The Box, we were introduced to our four contestants: ALISON    [chipper] I'm Alison, from Santa Monica.  Hi, mom! CARL    [hearty] Carl, from Atlanta - home of the Cartoon Channel!!  DEBBIE    [nervous] Debbie, from Salem.  Uh, Oregon.  [quickly] Salem Oregon. BART    [sullen] Bart, Minneapolis [disgusted sigh]. ANNOUNCER    The rules are on the screen now for all you viewers out there, to cover the formalities.  They are also available on our website at [spelled out superfast] w-w-w-dot-s-k-i-n-n-e-r-i-d-i-o-t-b-o-x-dot-com.  AMB    FAMILY LIVING ROOM SOUND    CHIPS EATEN FROM BAG ANNOUNCER    [TV] And after this brief message, we'll show you the results of last week's voting. SOUND    CLICK OF REMOTE SOUND    POPCORN POPPING IN MICROWAVE MOM    [off] You better not have turned that off, hun! SOUND    MICROWAVE DINGS DAD    Just muted.  Sick of all these ads for freaking erectile dysfunction.  If anything's going to give a guy man-trouble, it's having to watch all those damn ads. SOUND    POURING POPCORN INTO BOWL SON    Ew, dad.  T-M-I. MOM    [coming in, munching popcorn] The one I hate is that smiling guy.  His wife just looks so scared all the time.  Almost as creepy as the King. SON    Am I adopted?  Please say yes. DAD    Ooops, back on! ANNOUNCER    [TV]  Did everyone vote? MOM    I certainly did! SON    Mom?  [disgusted noise] Why? ANNOUNCER    [TV] The voting is closed, the tabulations have been made, and the scores are coming up on the screen now. MOM    [over the announcer] Why not?  I want that nice young girl - the blonde - to win.  She's very wholesome. ANNOUNCER    [TV] And it looks like today Alison has been selected!  MOM    [satisfied] There! ANNOUNCER    We have Alison in the studio now - let's see how she takes it. SOUND     LIGHT MUSIC, ON THE TV SEGUES INTO REALITY ANNOUNCER    Hello Alison!  Say hi to everyone!  ALISON    Hi!  Hi mom!  Dad! ANNOUNCER    How's the first week been treating you? ALISON    This place is great! ANNOUNCER    Throughout the show, we'll be showing some of the fun you four have been having.  Now, why don't you tell me what you think of your new friends? ALISON    Oh, wow - everyone's really great.  ANNOUNCER    Don't you find Bart a bit... isolated? ALISON    He's just self-contained.  I'm sure he's a good guy, he just doesn't open up real easily. ANNOUNCER    And Debbie? ALISON    She's shy - a lot like my sister.  Hi Vickie!! ANNOUNCER    [chuckles] That's great. ALISON    And Carl - well, he's a blast.  He's always thinking up great stuff to do. ANNOUNCER    Yesterday you had sole access to the Dairy Dan Amusement park. ALISON    Oh, man - that was awesome!  They closed the gates and we got to ride all the rides all day long - no lines, no crowds!  Woo! ANNOUNCER    You've been chosen. ALISON    Woo!  [stumbles] I - What?  What? SOUND    CONTROL BOOTH ANNOUNCER    [TV]  Please step into the box. ALISON    [TV - gasp, then steels herself]  Right.  [somewhat bitter] Thanks America. SHELDON That's the shot - tight in on 2, now 3 - yes! Keep her face centered until she shuts the door. TANYA    Got it. SHELDON Okay, keep the volume low on that. It's early yet - don't want to wear out the viewers... SOUND    [TV] ELECTRIC SHOCK NOISE, SOMEWHAT BRIEF ALISON    [TV - short scream] ANNOUNCER    [TV] We'll be right back after the break to find out what today's challenge will be. AMB    DORM ROOM JUNE    Omigod!  Omigod!  Did you see that? KATHY    [distracted] Hmm?  No but I sure heard it - did they just do what I think they did? JUNE    They just shocked the crap out of the blonde chick! KATHY    Was there actually crap? JUNE    [duh] She was in the box.  Shh.  It's coming back on. SOUND    TV TURNS UP ANNOUNCER    [TV] We'll be right back with more of The Box after these messages. SOUND    SOUND DOWN AGAIN JUNE    I hate when they do that. KATHY    Shock someone? JUNE    No, have the logo come up and make you think the show is back on. KATHY    Yeah, that's much worse. JUNE    You know what I mean!  It was totally mean that they shocked her - she's the one who got the most votes! KATHY    Isn't that what everyone was voting for? JUNE    No!  At least, I don’t think so - I mean, I thought it was voting for who would win something cool.  I ...voted for her. KATHY    You actually voted? JUNE    On the website, yeah. KATHY    Of course there's a website.  Maybe you should read the fine print. JUNE    Oh, oh!  It's back on!  Jeez, look at her poor hair! SOUND    TV UP ANNOUNCER    [TV] Back to the interview room, to hear from Alison. ANNOUNCER    [real] Before we go on, I need to point out, this is the only time you can choose to leave the show.  Are you prepared to stay? ALISON    [gulps, then quiet]  Yes.  [clears her throat, louder]  Yes.  [very shaky] That wasn't so bad. ANNOUNCER    Excellent.  Now I believe you recently graduated from college, Alison.  What did you get your degree in? AMB    BAR ALISON    [TV]  I'm a liberal arts major, with a minor in art history. FRED    So she's unemployed, eh? ANNOUNCER    [TV]  And you are engaged to be married? BOB    Too bad.  All the cute ones are taken.  Even with that weird hairdo. SOUND    TV SWITCHED TO SPORTS FRED    Hey, we were watching that! HELEN    Why?  It's awful, letting them mess with people on TV like that! FRED    [scornful] It's not real.  BOB    Course it is - it even has a website! HELEN    Puh-leez.  Lots of things have websites that aren’t real. BOB    Name one. HELEN    Pamela Anderson's boobs. FRED    She got you there, pal. BOB    C'mon - just switch it back long enough to see what today's challenge is?  Please? HELEN    Ya big softie, you. SOUND    TV CHANGES BACK ANNOUNCER    [TV] Carl, you got the second most votes this week - Do you have anything to say to the viewers at home?  Obviously you're doing something right, to get so many votes. CARL    [TV]  I think it's just my sunny personality, Bob.  People like winners, and I am a winner. AMB    LIVING ROOM SON    Weiner. MOM    Language! SON    [dismissive noise] Doesn't that dipstick know that most votes gets zapped? DAD    Maybe he doesn't - they might not tell THEM everything, either.  Makes sense.  Why else would they be so excited? SON    But that sucks!  That sucks big time!  Here they are, trying to be all cool and get people to vote for them, and they're like masterminding their own torture or something. DAD    It's just a game,  No one really gets hurt. MOM    Well, I was kind of upset that Alicia-- SON    Alison. MOM    Yes, that she got shocked.  I didn’t know that voting for her would do that.  I kind of feel bad now. SON    Well, don't vote for her next time. MOM    I certainly won't! ANNOUNCER    [on TV] Well, we've spoken to two of our four contestants, and the voting is open for the halftime winner.  Go on line now or text to-- SOUND    TV MUTES, AMB/DORM SOUND    COMPUTER KEYS KATHY    What are you doing? JUNE    Voting. KATHY    Vicious much? JUNE    No! I - I just don’t want her to have to get shocked again.  Damn!  It only lets me choose one of those two - not the other guy. KATHY    So you want to see him get shocked? JUNE    Well, no, but I like him the least. KATHY    Just cause you don't think he's cute. SOUND    ONE LAST KEY JUNE    Um, there. KATHY    So who'd you vote for? JUNE    The guy - the nice one - of course.  I like him, too, but I don't want her to get shocked again. SOUND    TV UP AGAIN ANNOUNCER    [TV] Regular text messaging fees apply.  And now‑‑ SOUND    OMINOUS MUSIC ROLLS IN ANNOUNCER    [TV, ominous] The moment in the spotlight.  Will it be Alison or Carl?  The voting closes in three minutes, so hurry up and make your vote count - if the lines are overloaded, make sure and try back - but be quick.   [normal] While we wait, let's watch some clips from the preliminary interviews with the other two contestants. MUSIC ANNOUNCER    [TV] And what are you studying? DEBBIE    [TV] I'm - um - a poli sci major. FRED    So she's gonna end up unemployed too. BOB    Whatever happened to good old trade schools? FRED    They're still around - just the trades aren't.  You seen any cobblers in the U.S. of A recently?  Nope.  It's all farmed out to Pakistan and Koala Lumper. HELEN    Lumpur. FRED    Sez you. HELEN    I can turn it off, you know. BOB    Yeah - see now Helen here's got a job that can't be farmed out - long as there's guys like us, there's always gonna be bars, eh? FRED    Until they invent a mixology robot. BOB    Hey, the lights are flashing on the screen, must be something important. SOUND    TV TURNED UP. SOUND    OMINOUS MUSIC INTENSIFIES ANNOUNCER    [TV; evil "suspense" pacing]  And the one who got the most halftime votes.  Will it be Alison, our stoic liberal arts major? JUNE    Yes, yes - come on come on!!! ANNOUNCER    [TV] Or Carl, who tutors children with learning disabilities. MOM    Oh, that's awful! SON    Awful? That he works with retarded kids? MOM    [almost a whisper] That I voted for him. ANNOUNCER    [TV] And the one who got the most votes in the 8-minute half-time poll was-- SOUND    HEAVY DRUMBEAT ANNOUNCER    [TV] Was-- SOUND    HEAVY DRUMBEAT KATHY    Look at how much she's sweating! JUNE    You'd sweat too if you just got shocked! ANNOUNCER    [TV] is -Carl! JUNE    Whew! KATHY    Shh.  Let's see what happens. ANNOUNCER    [TV] This means that at the end of tonight's show, Carl will be up against the second half winner in a showdown to see who gets a million dollars sent to the charity of their choice. HELEN    Waitaminute - she gets shocked and he gets a chance to win big bucks?  That's so not fair! FRED    That's the way it is.  Women always getting the short stick. HELEN    Especially when they’re dating you, eh? BOB    [laughs, tried to stop] FRED    Yeah, yeah - you can joke now, but I'll give you 70-30 odds that the other winner is that other guy. BOB    The grouch? FRED    Yup.  Is it a bet? BOB    Fifty bucks? FRED    Whoah, whoah!  Let's not get carried away here, now. MUSIC - OPENING THEME, PLAYS FOR A MOMENT ANNOUNCER    Entering week five of The Box, you can see the ratings posted for our four contenders.  [hushed] Last week, it looked as though Debbie had finally broken-- DEBBIE    [TV] I hate it!  I hate you all! You can all just go and-- SOUND    LONG SERIES OF BLEEPED WORDS SOUND    ZAPPING AND SCREAMING UNDER NEXT LINE ANNOUNCER    But after her trip to the box, she refused to cry off. DEBBIE    [TV] [breathing heavily and gulping] No [gasp] way! [gasp]  You don't [gasp] get rid of me [long shaky breath] that easily. [sob] ANNOUNCER    And now, a new week - and what was this week's challenge? STUDIO AUDIENCE Fasting! ANNOUNCER    Yes, fasting.  Whoever could go the longest without eating even a single bite of food got a free pass this week‑‑ ANNOUNCER    [TV] --and we'll find out who managed that in just a moment - after a few words from our sponsors. SOUND    CLICK, SOUND OFF JUNE    [urging] C'mon Debbie! KATHY    Debbie?  Hah.  She's got no body fat to start with.  Bart has a much better chance of surviving-- JUNE    Don't say that!  You just like him cause you know I don't! KATHY    I root for the underdog.  It's a principal. And no one likes that poor bastard. JUNE    If no one likes him, how come Debbie's the one always getting shocked, huh?  [almost a sob] Huh? ANNOUNCER    [TV]  Let's bring our four contestants out on stage to hear who's going to be free and clear for another week.  Alison-- SOUND    MUSIC UP, DOOR OPENS, SHAKY FOOTSTEPS ANNOUNCER    [real] Alison, how are you feeling? ALISON    [trying to be perky] Not too bad.  I made it almost three whole days on nothing but water.  ANNOUNCER    But then you lost it? ALISON    [heavy sigh] Yeah, I had to give in and get something.  [resigned] I figured fine - just put me in the box.  At least that eventually ends.  ANNOUNCER    Thank you, Alison.  Now go over to the isolation booth while we talk with each of your friends. ALISON    [venomous] Friends?  Hah! ANNOUNCER    [TV, confidential] She needs to learn to be careful about trading today's pain for tomorrow's - what she doesn't know is we've [ramping up] turned the voltage up another notch! AUDIENCE    [TV, CHEERS] HELEN    This just keeps getting worse.  It has to be against the law. BOB    Oh, come on.  They signed waivers, didn't they?  Plus, it's all fake - like wrestling.  Seriously.  Even if they did do this stuff, they have to have doctors and all on staff - make sure no one really gets hurt. SOUND    UNWRAPPING AND OPENING A FORTUNE COOKIE FRED    Hey, listen to this - "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." BOB    Figures the Chinese would think of that first. FRED    Nah.  The Chinese didn't make that up. HELEN    Then who did say it? FRED    [immediate] Thomas Jefferson. BOB    I don't think so. FRED    Yeah?  And who do you think it was? BOB    Some Greek philosopher or other.  [idea] Julius Caesar! HELEN    You guys make your bet, I'll call Jonesy on the next commercial and he can google it. SOUND    TV TURNS UP ANNOUNCER    [TV]  So Bart, you made it the longest without eating - you have any special tips for the viewers out there on how you did it? BART    [real] Huh? ANNOUNCER    Any tips?  We'll give you a minute - these moments of uncertainty are just further proof that our show is live and unedited.  While Bart ponders this, I'll recap - Alison gave into her craven need for food first, followed by Carl and Debbie - in a virtual photo finish, where Debbie held out for one millisecond longer than Carl.  Good going Debbie! BART    I hate you. ANNOUNCER    Hmm?  What's that? BART    I hate you and all you stand for.  ANNOUNCER    Do I hear an opt-out coming?  For those of you just tuning in, during this episode and this episode alone, any of our four contestants can opt out at any time - not just immediately following a trip into the Box.  So Bart, are you-- SOUND    A BEEP TRIES TO CUT HIM OFF ON THE FIRST WORD BART    Fuck you!  You can't get rid of me that easily.  BART    [TV] I don't care how many times you drug me and try to get me to bow down to the corporate machine!  You and all you people at home - you are sadistic bastards, but I'm here for the long haul - And when I finish, whether I win or not, I will be traveling around the country demanding the pound of flesh each and every one of you bastards owe me!!! KATHY    For god's sake, turn it off. JUNE    No, he's making a valid point.  We shouldn't be party to this. KATHY    The very act of watching it validates it. JUNE    No.  I'm only doing this to bear witness. KATHY    The advertisers don't care.  They just want to you to watch. JUNE    Well, I won't vote any more. KATHY    Then you can't complain when your favorite gets zapped. JUNE    [upset] Oh hell! ANNOUNCER    [TV]  Well, that was very enlightening.  Before you out there start emailing and phoning - please refer to clause 42 slash 8 slash F, subsection I-I-I, paragraph y, where it sets out the game's rules covering mental illness or defect.  Thank you, and good night! SOUND    TV TURNED OFF HELEN    Anyone checked out the big pools? FRED    What do you mean? HELEN    There's huge bets all over the place - everyone guessing who's gonna last the longest. BOB    Well, no one's washed out yet. FRED    They're a tough bunch of kids, but I bet I could make it on that show.  Age does bring wisdom. BOB    To who? FRED    You're too young to remember this, but I was a P-O-W in nam [rhymes with "ham"].  I been through it all.  Torture, deprivation, brain washing. HELEN    They sure got yours squeaky clean. SOUND    DRINKS WHOLE BEER DOWN. BOB    Ahhh. MUSIC    ANNOUNCER    This week, week 9 of The Box, we might just lose a second contestant.  ANNOUNCER     [TV] Alison, you've spent three days in this jacuzzi - brought to us courtesy of Big Joe's cut-rate pools and spas.  Now, people might think this was fun, but of course, you can't fall asleep or you might drown!  ALISON    [TV, parched, delirious]  You suck, Bob. FRED    Friend of yours? BOB    You wish. ALISON     [TV]  Get me out. ANNOUNCER    [TV] You do know that whomever leaves their jacuzzi first goes directly into the box? ALISON     [TV] No!  I want out!  OUT!  I can't - you can't make me stay here! JUNE    They can't, can they? KATHY     How much you wanna bet she signed something that says they can? JUNE    That's illegal! KATHY    Being stupid and greedy?  Nah.  They'd run out of prisons.  Unless you subscribe to the idea that our whole world is a prison. JUNE    [very upset] Don't talk like that - look at that poor girl!  They're just dragging her across the stage! KATHY    Wow.  I wouldn't'a thought it would take three guys to handle her, after all the crap she's been through. ALISON    [TV - screaming weakly and struggling] ANNOUNCER    [TV] It is understood, under the rules, that the clemency episode has run out and, once again, the only time you can opt out is right after a session in the box-- SON    If she's all wet, wouldn't that make the shock worse? DAD    At least her hair doesn't end up all weird since they shaved her head after that challenge last week-- SON    Three weeks ago. DAD    Really?  Anyway, they probably compensate somehow. MOM    Are you sure? DAD    [unsure] Well... They can't really hurt her - that would be... ANNOUNCER    [TV]     Oh, and - I've just got a word from the producer!  We've got a three minute vote - so grab your phones!  ANNOUNCER    [real] Now this will cost one dollar per vote, so make yours count!  Dial the studio number and hit 1 if you want us to let Allison forfeit and leave now, push 2 if you think we should hold her to the rules.  And voting opens [beat, then TV] Now! SHELDON Start the positive counter. TANYA    On it.  Running. NARRATOR     [TV] The positive votes will tally right here on the corner of the screen, and if, after the vote closes, there are more positive than negative votes, Alison will  immediately leave the studio - damper but wiser... BOB    Man, I wish I was in Vegas. FRED    Nah - you know what's going to happen.  The odd's'll be crap. HELEN    Course.  They'll let her go. FRED    You gotta lotta faith in people, babe.  Nah.  I'll give you 10 to 1 she's gonna ride the lightning. BOB     [incredulous] "Ride the lightning?" FRED    You know - old sparky. The electric chair?  Man where have you been? BOB    Considering no one's been executed in an electric chair in this state for - um - help me out Helen-- HELEN    50 years. BOB    50 years. FRED    Really? HELEN    How the hell'm I supposed to know? BOB    Well, whatever - a long time.  HELEN    Actually, I think this state always hanged people. FRED    Hung. BOB    The countdown! 5 - 4 - JUNE    3-2- MOM    [almost breathless] One. ANNOUNCER    [TV]  All votes are in, and as you can see, we had a regular landslide of support for our dear friend Allison here.  we have 4 million six hundred seventy two thousand, three hundred and forty-two votes for clemency.  Good for you everyone!  We'll show the other side, right after this-- SOUND    TV OFF DAD    No way! MOM    You can't    ! SON    I won't watch any more of this.  This is brutal. MOM    [angry] Don't you dare!  How can we not ... find out? SON    No. MOM    Just until they announce it - we don't have to watch ...if she... SON    Gets it? SOUND    REMOTE THROWN ONTO TABLE SON    You do what you want.  I'll be in the garage. SOUND    [after a moment] TV CLICKS ON COMMERCIAL    [something] KATHY    I bet the commercials for this cost top dollar.  Like superbowl ads. JUNE    How can you just be so snarky - that girl could die! KATHY    Nah.  They can't do that.  It would be illegal. JUNE    Not normally, but remember when that guy had a stroke on "Danger Island" last year?  The family sued, but the waiver made it perfectly legit.  KATHY    And that wasn't even that exciting. ANNOUNCER    [on TV]  For those just tuning in, we have perky little Allison in the Box, awaiting your verdict.  [continues under] Does she take the next shock, or have you tipped toward clemency for this poor girl? SHELDON Give them the split picture. TANYA    Before and after? SHELDON Uh-huh. [grim] Show them what they did. ANNOUNCER    [on TV] The negative votes have been tallied.  SOUND    DRUM ROLL, OMINOUS MUSIC ANNOUNCER    [ON TV] And we had 4 million six hundred seventy two thousand, three hundred and forty-two votes to let her go.  BOB    I'm still saying they'll let her off.  FRED    Nope.  You already lost that twenty, pal. HELEN    Shh! ANNOUNCER    [TV] The negative count is seven million three hundred-- SOUND    TV OFF KATHY    Did you vote? JUNE    Yes.  [beat]  Twenty times. KATHY    [shrug] You can't beat the bastards. JUNE    But if everyone just voted a few more times... KATHY    Three million more times. JUNE    How can people be so horrible? SOUND    [NEXT DOOR TV] SCREAMING PEOPLE    [laughing] SOUND    POUNDING ON WALL JUNE    [yelling at them] How can you be so horrible?? KATHY    They're drunk.  Didn't you see the sign? JUNE    [half a sob] Sign? KATHY    The one that said "come to gary's room, get drunk and watch The Box"? JUNE    [down] No. KATHY    Look, turn it on.  You'll see she's not dead or anything, then you'll feel better. JUNE    But what if she's not?  I mean, what if she is?  I mean-- KATHY    [sigh] Then you'll know. SOUND    [beat, then] TV TURNS ON SOUND    [on TV] AMBULANCE SIRENS JUNE    [sob] MOM    [sob] Her poor parents! DAD    Don't worry so much - she's not dead. MOM    She was for 43 seconds. DAD    That doesn't even count these days - happens all the time on House. MOM    [very upset] But this is real! SOUND    [on tv] MUSIC UP ANNOUNCER    [tv]  And we'll be checking in with Allison as soon as she regains consciousness to confirm her wish to opt out.  For now, the game comes down to Bart and Carl.  ANNOUNCER    Don't forget - no matter what happens, the game's big final episode is in two weeks.  SOUND    CAMERA OFF SHELDON Nicely done. ANNOUNCER    It's really wearing me thin. SHELDON Almost over. And after today's vote, there's no way the station can afford to cancel us. ANNOUNCER    [sigh, then grudging] Two more shows.  SHELDON [with meaning] And then we announce the results. MUSIC - OPENING THEME, PLAYS FOR A MOMENT AMB     NOISY BAR BOB    [ordering] Another one. FRED    Packed tonight. SOUND    DRINK SET DOWN HELEN    It's the finale. FRED    [tired] Oh, yeah.  That. BOB    Bottom's up! HELEN    Slow down, or I'm gonna have to pour you into a cab. SOUND    CAR KEYS SLAPPED ONTO THE BAR, SCOOPED UP SOUND    GLASS SET DOWN HARD BOB    Ahhh. CROWD    ROAR OF EXCITEMENT HELEN    Hold on!  I'll get it. SOUND    TV SOUND UP MUSIC    FANFARE ANNOUNCER    It's the night we've all been waiting for.  The night the final results are announced.  And we will have an ultimate winner.  Let's recap what the winner will walk away with.  SOUND    VOLUME DOWN SOUND    DOOR OPENS KATHY    Oh, you're not watching that, are you?  [sneer] I thought you decided it wasn't worth it! JUNE    [shell shocked] I can't not watch!  I have to know! KATHY    Look, let's go to the library or something. JUNE    No!  I would die of suspense! KATHY    It's not-- SOUND    TV VOLUME COMES UP KATHY    [sigh] I'm not staying. SOUND    DOOR CLOSES ANNOUNCER    And the contest comes down to our two finalists, Bart and Carl.  They have endured amazing hardship to make it this far.  Do you have anything you want to say to the people at home, Bart? BART    You still suck and you always will.  Every single one of you!  Every person who just sits by and supports this shit! ANNOUNCER    [still jovial]  And yet, you have continued to play our sick little games - as you call them - despite being offered chance after chance to leave. BART    Hah!  I don't plan to fucking let you win, you scumbags! ANNOUNCER    Well said.  And you, Carl, do you have anything for the audience? CARL    [mumbles] ANNOUNCER    Speak up? CARL    [vague, reciting] We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.  Sitting by lone sea-- lone sea....  the sea.  The sea.  See see oh playmate, come out and play with me.... [fades out] ANNOUNCER    There you have it, folks.  And now we go to our man in the street interviewer, Tanya.  Take it away! TANYA    Thank you.  I'm in a major metropolitan center here, asking people on the street what they think of the Box. ANNOUNCER    If they're outside right now, instead of glued to their sets, they must not think much of it. BOTH    [fake laugh] SOUND    TV OFF SOUND    EATING MOM    What?  Don't you dare! DAD    Hey, we were watching that! SON    Are you enjoying this? MOM    Enjoying? DAD    What do you mean? SON    All this shit they've put those people through!  You can barely tell them apart now, after they’ve been starved and had their heads shaved.  They look like concentration camp victims! MOM    But - but this is the last show! DAD    What does it matter if we watch or don't watch? SOUND    THROWING DOWN A REMOTE SON    Do what you want.  I'll just hope for a six-car pileup.  Maybe you'll trade up. SOUND    DOOR OPENS AND SHUT SOUND    REMOTE TAKEN, TV ON ANNOUNCER    And for tonight, the big surprise is-- SOUND    DRUM ROLL, OMINOUS MUSIC ANNOUNCER    Two boxes! SOUND    CANNED CHEERING ANNOUNCER    One for each of you.  While we get them all set, here's a word from our sponsor! AMB    BAR CROWD    Buzzing "two boxes?" BOB    [slurry] Whaddaya think they've got up their shleeves? FRED    They're gonna kill one of those boys. HELEN    [confidential] I heard that girl Allison is in a private clinic, barely alive. FRED    Where'd you--? HELEN    Internet.  BOB    [sarcastic]  Yeah.  Then it's probably true. SOMEONE    Turn it up! HELEN    Got it! SOUND    TV UP ANNOUNCER    And now.  The moment of truth!  All the votes have been tallied.  As you can see, we have Bart over here in the red box-- SOUND    CANNED APPLAUSE ANNOUNCER    [tv] --and Carl over there in the blue. SHELDON close up on Bart, camera 2. Yeah, baby, clench that jaw.  Now cut to that trickle of sweat on Carl's face.  Nice. TANYA    Back to the announcer? SHELDON One more second, and - yes! ANNOUNCER    [tv] And now, with the votes tallied, we will find out who you out there have selected as the big winner, and who has to take the big penalty.  ANNOUNCER    [real] But first, we caught each of our contestants here on secret camera last night.  Let's see what they were doing on the penultimate night. SOUND    QUICK JAB OF STATIC VOICE    [tv] ...need to get out now.  You don't understand what they have planned for tomorrow.  It's so much worse! AMB    BAR BOB    Who the hell izzat? BART    [TV] [scoff] Worse?  Worse how? HELEN    Don't know.  FRED    Look at that announcer fellow - he's surprised too.  HELEN    [half a chuckle]  Serves him right. ANNOUNCER    [tv] Sorry - we should have screened that clip before playing it.  Let's go over to Carl's shot. CARL    [tv] Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall--[cuts out suddenly] ANNOUNCER    [tv] And that's all the time we have for that.  And now the moment of truth.  Carl or Bart?  You held their fate in your hands. SOUND    COMMERCIAL COMES ON UNDER MOM    [coming in]  Where's Kyle?  Have you seen Kyle? DAD    [mesmerized]  He'll be back.  Just ... went out to a friend's house.  Probably. MOM    You should turn that off and find him! DAD    We can look in ten minutes just as easily as we can look now! MOM    This is our son! DAD    It's almost over! SOUND    OMINOUS MUSIC ON TV ANNOUNCER    [tv] And now.  The final countdown. MOM    Five minutes. SOUND    SHE SITS ANNOUNCER     [tv]  This has been quite a journey for everyone - and we would like to thank you all for your support and participation. BOB    Support?  I'd shoot that stupid bastard if I had a chance.  And a gun. HELEN    You're not the only one, but a lot of people paid a lot of money into that damn show. ANNOUNCER    [tv] --making us the highest rated network series ever-- FRED    yeah, and even WE count for ratings, since we happen to be watching it. BOB    [steaming into an alcoholic rage] Then let's not watch it! SOUND    SLAMS GLASS ON BAR, LIQUID SLOSHES FRED    Calm down, pal. BOB    No! Is this what our world has come to?  This crap?? SOUND    THROWS BEER GLASS AT TV, TV DIES, BUT OTHER SET PLAYS ON IN THE BACKGROUND CROWD    [Shocked silence] FRED    Great, one down, only seven hundred million TV sets to go. HELEN    I'll put it on your tab. CROWD     [chatter begins again] ANNOUNCER    [tv] --will definitely be returning for a second season, starting next fall-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS ANNOUNCER    [tv] --and we're looking at celebrity contestants.  TANYA    [tv]  That will be a whole new ballgame. KATHY    Sorry, didn't know it was still on. JUNE    [distraught] Stay.  Please. KATHY    Ugh.  Why? JUNE    Because I don't think I'll make it otherwise. KATHY    Make what? ANNOUNCER    [tv] And now for the final outcome.  MOM    Yes? DAD    About time. ANNOUNCER    [tv]  the final results. FRED    Don't call the police.  I'll get him home. HELEN    Yeah.  This time. ANNOUNCER    [tv] What we've all been working toward. JUNE    [crying] Can't they just say it? TV, MUSIC SWELLS, THEN CUTS OUT SUDDENLY JUNE    What? HELEN    Shit, must have blown the circuit. DAD    The electricity's still on! KATHY    Is there something wrong with your TV? MOM    No!  It's practically new! FRED    Come on.  Quitting time, pal. SOUND    TEST PATTERN NOISE, THEN MUSIC SUDDENLY CUTS BACK IN ANNOUNCER    Thank you all for participating in our experiment.  MOM    [gasp] ANNOUNCER    As you can see, all of our actors are in perfect health. JUNE    [sob]  How could they--? KATHY    Bastards. ANNOUNCER    We would love to hear your reactions to this show.  Please feel free to leave us a message at www-dot- SOUND    TV SWITCHES OFF HELEN     [last call voice] Allright.  That's it. CLOSER   [NOTE:  George Santayana, author of the quote.]

MATURE THEMES AND VIOLENCE When a drifter wanders into a small town - things may get a little... hairy. Written by Julie Hoverson Cast List Marjorie Baines - Violet Crestley Lou Garreau - Reynaud LeBoeuf Edith Baines - Eleice Krawiec Dennis Cooperman - David Collins-Rivera (Lostinbronx) Skitch - Justin Grubbs Children - Katy and Athena Music by Thomas Cusack / [Leafy Lane Productions] Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson and Justin Charles [1st Draft Productions] Cover Design: Charles Austin Miller "What kind of a place is it? Why it's small town in wartime in the middle of the last century, can't you tell?" ******************************************************************** Loup Noir Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Lou Garreau, forlorn drifter MARJORIE Baines, precocious teen Edith Baines, mom Skitch, thug Officer Dennis Cooperman, Mom’s old flame   OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a small town street, during world war two, can't you tell?  MUSIC AMB    BIRDS, PUSH LAWNMOWER, DISTANT RADIO MARJORIE    [reading, in a gruff voice] How can you have no pity for me, oh my Beauty?  [high voice]  But it is my father!  He is dying!-- LOU    [clears his throat]  I'm sorry to-- CHILDREN    [surprised noises] MARJORIE    Oh!  [to a child] Here, hold the place in the book.  SOUND    GETS TO HER FEET MARJORIE    Do you need some help, mister? LOU    Uh.  I'm looking for a Mr. Baines? MARJORIE    Father?  He's not here right now. LOU    [deeply disappointed] Oh.  Will he be back soon? MARJORIE    [sadly]  He's... been dead for three years.  LOU    [resigned]  Oh.  You wouldn’t happen to have a brother, would you? MARJORIE    James.  Yes.  Why? LOU    Is HE around? MARJORIE    Overseas.  Marines  There's no way to know when he'll be back. LOU    [heavy sigh]  Thanks. SOUND    STARTS TO WALK AWAY MARJORIE    Were you a friend of father's? LOU    [rueful laugh, low]  We've never met.  [up]  Where's the cheapest place to stay around here? MUSIC AMB    GARAGE SOUND    LIGHTBULB CHAIN CLICKS ON, DANCES LOU    [groan of pain and waking] DENNIS    [whispered] Are you ready to talk yet? LOU    [mumbled]  Talk about what? DENNIS    Talk about what you are.  LOU    What am I? DENNIS    [hissed] You’re a monster. SOUND    SLAP MUSIC AMB    PARK SOUND    PAPER FOLDING MARJORIE    [coming on]  Oh, hello!  Sorry, I never got your name. SOUND    PAPER CRUMPLES LOU    Lewis.  Lewis Garreau [gah-ROH].  Lou.  And you're a miss Baines? MARJORIE    Marjorie.  Why were you looking for my dad?  Did he owe you money? LOU    [taken aback] I-um-- No. It's --private. MARJORIE    You don't have to treat me like some kind of kid.  I'm almost old enough to drive. LOU    [quiet rueful laugh] MARJORIE    What's that you made?  A bird? SOUND    PAPER LOU    It's a crane. MARJORIE    Hmm.  Nice.  But mister, your crane - it ain't got no legs. LOU    It's flying. MARJORIE    Can't fly forever. LOU    I suppose that depends on whether there's a good place to land.  MARJORIE    Minds me.  Did you find a place to land? LOU    Miss Mason was full up. MARJORIE    What're you gonna do, then? LOU    Move along.  Sleep in the park.  Done both often enough. MARJORIE    Must be nice to sleep out under the stars. LOU    [strange] And the moon. MARJORIE    Not much of a moon tonight.  [looking up] Is it just me or is it sort of strange when it does that - hanging like a big old smile in the middle of the bright blue sky? LOU    There's plenty of strange things about the moon.  [sigh] Run along home, kid. Don’t you know better than to talk to strange men? MARJORIE    Hmph.  If you're going to be that way-- LOU    I am. MARJORIE    [angry] Hmph. SOUND    STORMS OFF, WALKING ON LEAVES MUSIC AMB    GARAGE SOUND    SLAP DENNIS    Just own up to it.  LOU    [resigned but in pain] To what? DENNIS    What you did to that kid. LOU    What kid? DENNIS    You were there when we found the body, you bastard. LOU    oh... SOUND    SLAP MUSIC AMB    PARK MARJORIE    [muttering, huffy] Treating me like I'm some sort of child.  Who does he think he-- SOUND    RUSTLE IN THE BUSHES MARJORIE    [gasp] SOUND    SHE STOPS, THEN STARTS TO RUN SOUND    RUSTLE, THUMP AS SHE RUNS INTO SOMEONE MARJORIE    [gasp] SKITCH    Hey Marjie.  Need someone to walk you home? MARJORIE    Let go of me, Skitch! SKITCH    What if I don't wanna?  Maybe I need someone to lean on. MARJORIE    You just want to push me over! SKITCH    Don't knock it til you try it. MARJORIE    [trying to sound tough]  Let go, or I'll-- SOUND    A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN THUMP AGAINST A TREE MARJORIE    [gasp] SKITCH    You will, will you?  Tell you what, give me a kiss and I might let you go. MARJORIE    Kiss?  You??  I'd rather kiss a dog. SKITCH    Oh, you like dogs, do you?  Dog-style's fine with me--  [starts panting like a dog] SOUND    RUSTLE, BODY FALL MARJORIE    [starts to scream, muffled] SOUND    STRUGGLE LOU    Get off her, you punk! SKITCH    Find your own rabbit, grampa.  MARJORIE    [still struggling] LOU    [almost a growl]  Take a hike! SOUND    SKITCH GETS UP, MARJORIE RUNS AWAY SKITCH    [incredulous] You wanna rumble?  [laughs]  I only fight guys my own age. LOU    [still growly] Why?  Scared? SKITCH    [a little uncertain now] No!  [conciliatory] Look, pops, it was just a bit of fun.  No harm done. LOU    A little late to apologize.  [Yah! noise as he throws a punch] SOUND    FIGHT BEGINS, FADES INTO MUSIC AMB    GARAGE SOUND    SLAP DENNIS    How does it feel to crush the life out of someone? LOU    [uncertain] I...I didn’t. DENNIS    And who else could it'a been?  You ride into town and just by coincidence, something horrible like this happens?  No sale, bub. LOU    [moan] DENNIS    That nose looks bad.  Gonna need to be set. LOU    It doesn’t matter. DENNIS    Here.  I’ll straighten it. SOUND    JUICY CRACKING NOISE LOU    [howl of agony] MUSIC AMB     PARK LOU    Ouch!  [hiss of pain] SOUND    FEET ON LEAVES APPROACH SLOWLY LOU    Go away. MARJORIE    No.  You need a handkerchief or something?  I studied first aid last year. LOU    I'm fine. MARJORIE    [insisting] Here. Did he bite you?  [joking] You gotta watch out, that dingbat's got rabies. LOU    [low, bitter laugh]  It's nothing. MARJORIE    Why were you looking for my father?  LOU    I - I promised to bring him a message. MARJORIE    Maybe my mom--? LOU    No, no... I'll just move along.  Maybe when your brother comes home. MARJORIE    Oh, come on-- EDITH    [off] Marjie?  Marjie? MARJORIE    [triumph] Too late!  [up] Over here!  [back to him] Come on.  If nothing else, you'll get dinner out of it. EDITH    [coming in]  Marjie?  What are you doing?  [a little wary]  Who's this? MARJORIE    This is Lou, mother.  He chased off Skitch. MUSIC AMB    GARAGE DENNIS    Noses bleed like a sonofabitch, don’t they?  [sniffs at his bloody hand, disgusted noise] LOU    [juicy sniff of pain] DENNIS    [backs off a bit]  Think those ropes will hold you there for a while?  I spose I might have some chains somewhere. LOU    [sniff again]  Why? DENNIS    [harsh]  Because I know what you are. MUSIC AMB    DINNER EDITH    Since you’re the guest, Lou, would you like to say grace? LOU    [uncomfortable mumble] I’m not used to being so formal, Mrs. Baines. EDITH    Edith. MARJORIE    Oh, I’m sure you’ll do it just fine. EDITH    "Very well." MARJORIE    Huh? EDITH    “Just fine” isn’t proper English, Miss Marjorie Baines. MARJORIE    Sorry, mother. LOU    [murmurs something quickly] Amen. EDITH    [consternation] oh! Amen. MARJORIE    [satisfied] Amen. SOUND    A MOMENT OF SERVING, EATING EDITH    We’re not really used to having company, Lou.  Will it bother you if we talk at the table? LOU    [bewildered] uh - No? EDITH    Thank you.  [serious]  Marjie, what was that you were saying about Scottie? MARJIE    [sigh, rolls eyes]  Skitch, mother.  He stopped answering to Scottie simply ages ago. EDITH    You said Lou ... [trying not to sound too worried] chased him off? MARJIE    [losing her bravado]  Yeah.  He was being ... pushy again. LOU    I – I don’t think he’s likely to bother you again any time soon. MARJIE    Oh?  Did you wallop him good? EDITH    Good gracious, Marjie, sometimes I simply do not know what to say about your treatment of the English language! MUSIC AMB     GARAGE DENNIS    You think the police don’t notice when an – an animal like you creeps into town and right off bad things start to happen? LOU    The bad things were here before I was.  Nothing you do’s gonna change that. DENNIS    Shut UP! SOUND    SLAP LOU    [Ung] DENNIS    Don’t go passing out on me, now.  [beat] You still in there? LOU    [gurgle] DENNIS    [mock sympathy] Yeah.  I know.  We’ll think of something to make this better. LOU    [gurgling whisper] Don’t... don’t kill me. DENNIS    Now why would I want to kill you?  I want something from you. LOU    [suspicious] What? MUSIC AMB     DINNER EDITH    So, Lou, tell us something about yourself. LOU    Not much to tell.  Been ... wandering.  MARJORIE    "Looking for", or "looking away"? EDITH    Marjie! MARJORIE    It’s from a song, mother.  It’s poetical. LOU    A little of both, I guess.  Ain’t no one makes it to ...where I am... without a few regrets. EDITH    Have you ever thought about setting down some roots?  LOU    Nah.  [uncomfortable mumble] Ain’t no place would have me. EDITH    What's so terrible about you? MUSIC AMB     GARAGE DENNIS    See, I want to understand.  To know what makes you tick, ya freak.  LOU    You couldn't understand.  Not in a million years. DENNIS    Well, we don't got a million years.  Just a couple of hours til night falls, eh? LOU    Why do you--?  [disgusted noise, realizing]  You know?  No!  You want it!  [horrified laughter] You think it would be fun! DENNIS    I think it would be... useful. MUSIC AMB    CRICKETS and FROGS, OUTSIDE EDITH    I hope you don't mind, Lou.  I don't really have any place to put you inside.  But it's a fine night, and Rolf's hammock is very comfortable, and the back yard is-- LOU    [uncomfortable whisper] I'm very grateful. EDITH    Here's some blankets.  Even a fine night can get chilly. LOU    Thanks. EDITH    [hesitant pause, then] Marjorie said-- said you were looking for Rolf? LOU    Your husband?  Yes. EDITH    Why? LOU    [sigh]  Someone way back in my family did something to someone in his family, so we owed him.  [quickly explaining] It's not money - I mean, look at me.  EDITH    Oh.  No, I didn't think--  I was just wondering if maybe you knew him.  [nervous now]  I should get inside,  Make sure Marjorie's all ready for bed.  SOUND    A FEW STEPS, CREAK OF HAMMOCK ROPES EDITH    [off] Goodnight. LOU    Night.  [sigh] MUSIC AMB    OUTSIDE, NIGHT LOU    [muttering, grunting, in the throes of a nightmare] SOUND    DISTANT FRANTIC WHINNY OF A HORSE SOUND    WOLF HOWLS, VASTLY DISTORTED AND DISTANT SOUND    HUNTING DOGS SOUND    HEAVY BREATHING, UP CLOSE SOUND    GUN SHOTS MUSIC AMB    [morning birds sneak in] MARJORIE     [voice blurring into dream]  Lou!  Wake up! LOU    [waking with a roar, which turns into a noise of surprise as he falls out of the hammock]  [then, muffled] Ouch. MARJORIE    [stifling a laugh]  Sorry!  You were having a nightmare.  I thought it would be better to wake you up. LOU    [still muffled] Sorry.  [getting up]  I didn't hurt you, did I? EDITH    [off]  Everything all right? MARJORIE    [walking off, still grinning] He's not used to a hammock. Woke up on the wrong side of the bed. LOU    [slight chuckle] SOUND    DOG NEARBY STARTS TO BARK, WON'T STOP EDITH    [from off]  Come on in, I've got breakfast on!  I wonder what's got into Rufus? MUSIC AMB    GARAGE DENNIS    So how does it ... work? LOU    It doesn't. DENNIS    [calmly reasonable] I could probably break your nose a few more times. LOU    It's never going to happen. DENNIS    I'll get it out of you, even if I have to bite you. MUSIC AMB    PARK SOUND    WALKING MARJORIE    Thanks for walking me.  Skitch has been ... weird recently. LOU    Weird? MARJORIE    [heavy sigh]  Creepy.  Grabby.  LOU    You sure you don't want your mother to talk to his folks? MARJORIE    I don't want to get him in trouble.  [quiet] His dad beats him up bad.  Scottie used to be okay.  Almost a friend.  Now he's - [firm] now he's just a creep. LOU    Nice is one thing, but you gotta look out for yourself. MARJORIE    Yeah.  [long moment of silence as they walk] What was it you wanted to talk to my dad about? LOU    Just something from way back.  Something about his family.  [painful lie] Nothing that ... can't ... wait. MARJORIE    Is it something about werewolves? LOU    [taken completely by surprise] uh-- what? MARJORIE    I only ask cuz papa always talked about great granpapa and the old country.  And how he used to be a big hunter. LOU    [trying to sound disbelieving] Of... werewolves? MARJORIE    That's what he always said.  MUSIC AMB    GARAGE DENNIS    So.  How does it work? LOU    You'd have to kill me to find out. DENNIS    Let's save that for later. LOU    What time is it? DENNIS    Couple of hours yet.  That is, if you're waiting for ...dark. LOU    I got nothing to look forward to. DENNIS    Why did you come here, to this town, anyway? MUSIC AMB     PARK LOU    [doubtful] Your ...family hunts werewolves? MARJORIE    Well, not nowadays.  I don't think there's any werewolves left.  No place left to hide in the modern world. LOU    [down] Yeah. MARJORIE    Sides, doesn’t take a great hunter to kill stuff any more.  [beat] Now that we have grenades. LOU    [snort of laughter] MARJORIE    Hey, you can laugh!  I thought maybe that was broken. LOU    Just on the fritz. SOUND     HE STOPS. SHE STOPS MARJORIE    [laughing] what? [serious]  what? LOU    Don't ignore this Skitch kid.  Seriously. MARJORIE    Well I wouldn't say I IGNORE him-- LOU    I can see you want to be kind, but what about the next girl? MARJORIE    Next? LOU    You think you're really the only one? MARJORIE    B-but Scotty-- LOU    There are things that can turn even the nicest guy into an animal. MARJORIE    [weakly] Like a werewolf? LOU    Werewolves are rare.  Very rare.  But angry, mean, dangerous boys are common. DENNIS    [controlled anger] Morning, Marjie.  You need a hand with anything? MUSIC AMB    GARAGE LOU    How do you think you know anything? DENNIS    This. SOUND    SET SOMETHING DOWN LOU    That was-- DENNIS    THAT bullet hit a strange "wolf" in the woods last night.  But I didn't find it out in the woods. LOU    No.  [sigh]  You think this is something you could control, don't you? DENNIS    I got self control. MUSIC AMB    WOODS MARJORIE    Morning, Deputy Cooperman. DENNIS    [acknowledging] Marjie.  And this is--? MARJORIE    Lewis.  He was a friend of dad's. DENNIS    [hostile] New in town? LOU    [trying to stay quiet] Just passing through. DENNIS    Were they expecting you? MARJORIE    Goodness.  Listen to you, like he's a suspect or something.  Maybe you should be doing something more useful, like looking for Skitch.  DENNIS    [disdain] Skitch? MARJORIE    Scott Jorgenson. DENNIS    And I should be looking for him, why? MARJORIE    [backing off] He just - It's not that I want you to arrest him or something.  He just was bugging me out here yesterday.  LOU    He grabbed her while she was out here alone. DENNIS    I'll keep that in mind. MARJORIE    [moving away] Come on Lou - I don't want to be late for Joan's birthday party.  SOUND    THEY WALK AWAY MARJORIE    [calling back over her shoulder] Bye, Deputy Cooperman! SOUND    AMB     GARAGE DENNIS    You gotta have self control to be a lawman.  LOU    You're a sheriff's deputy. SOUND    SLAP DENNIS    AND when Sheriff Bonaventure is out of town, I'm in charge.  [backs off a bit]  Look, I can think of all sorts of ways to hurt you.  But I've been reading a couple of books from the library, and they all agree that it's a bite - you biting me - that will give me what I want. LOU    No. DENNIS    You're not going to bite me?  Oh, there's ways. LOU    [yelling] It's not like that.  It's not goddamn tetanus or snakebite! DENNIS    Then tell me what it is like.  Enlighten me. LOU    [very serious and heavy with meaning] It is a curse. MUSIC AMB    DINNER TABLE EDITH    Should we wait dinner for Marjorie, do you think? LOU    Joan's mother said she would drive all the girls home. EDITH    Do you-- do you think Skitch is a danger?  I wish Rolf - or James - was here. LOU    James is your son? EDITH    [heavy emotion] Yes. LOU    Marjorie sounded real proud that he's in the marines. EDITH    [breaks down crying] LOU    What - what's wrong? EDITH    [sobbing] He's dead. LOU    [stunned, but hesitant]  Your husband? EDITH    [wail] James! LOU    [crushed] oh ...hell.  [realizes]  Oh.  Uh.  Would you-- like a shoulder?  I don't mean anything by it-- EDITH    [crying] Thank you.  [buries her sobs in his shoulder] LOU    [trying to be comforting]  There, there. SOUND    DOORBELL LOU    Maybe that's Marjorie? EDITH    [quickly calming, but strained]  She would just come in.  SOUND    WALKS TO DOOR EDITH    [gasp, then very important]  Marjie doesn't know.  About James.  I got the telegram two weeks ago, and I just haven't - I can't -- LOU    Your secret is safe with me. EDITH    Thank you. SOUND     OPENS DOOR DENNIS    Evening, Edith. EDITH    [surprised]  Evening, Dennis.  Is there a problem? [gasp, panic rising]  Did something happen to Marjie? DENNIS    Nothing like that.  I just wanted to check in and make sure you're doing Okay.  LOU    [low rumble] We ran into the deputy in the woods on the way to the party.  [tightly controlled]  He was concerned. DENNIS    Can we talk, Edith?  Alone? EDITH    Dennis.  I'm not ready.  Really. DENNIS    [hiding anger]  Not about that.  About you having strangers in the house with an impressionable girl like Marjorie. EDITH    [angry now] I'll raise my daughter the way I see fit!  I don't need your help on that score. DENNIS    Edith, I-- EDITH    I don't think we have anything else to discuss, Deputy Cooperman.  We were just about to eat dinner.  Good evening. SOUND    SHUTS DOOR EDITH    That ... [quiet but intense] ASS. LOU    What did he do to annoy you so bad? EDITH    Oh... He tried to marry me, way back when. MUSIC AMB    GARAGE LOU    Can I have some water? DENNIS    Tell me something first. LOU    What? DENNIS    [shrug] Anything.  [excited]  Just tell me SOMETHING about what it's like! LOU    It's a curse.  It isn't fun.  DENNIS    How can you say that?  To have the power of life and death right in the palm of your hand! LOU    A gun gives you that.  DENNIS    Yeah, but a gun - people go looking for a gun.  But with an animal.  They just shake their heads and say how sad.  No one LOOKS. LOU    Not for the first one.  Maybe even the first two.  But what do you do when it's the 10th or 20th, or hundredth body to turn up mauled? DENNIS    You have to plan.  That's all. LOU    That's part of the problem.  You can't plan. MUSIC SOUND    OUTSIDE, PORCH SWING LOU    How'd he end up a deputy, anyway? EDITH    4-F.  Too short.  Everyone else went... away.  [starts to cry again, quietly] LOU    Shh.  Here. EDITH    It means a lot to have - to have someone to lean on.  Just the comfort.  It's so-- LOU    Yeah, I know.  [gently teasing] I won't try and marry you or anything. EDITh    [small sniffly chuckle] SOUND    FEET APPROACH EDITH    Oh goodness. SOUND    RUSTLE AS THEY PART SOUND    FEET ON STAIRS MARJORIE    [teasing] Gosh.  Setting a bad example? LOU    Cold.  I mean your mother was. EDITH    [a little too fast] Yes. MARJORIE    Goodness gracious!  I'm just tickled to find out you're still a human being in there, mother.  LOU    [embarrassed laugh] EDITH    [brisk, covering] I think it's time to turn in. MUSIC AMBIANCE    GARAGE DENNIS    [chuckles] I'm a really good planner.  I can handle it. LOU    You don't understand!  It's not YOU any more.  There's this ... agony, and then you wake up.  You're not even a passenger on that train!  DENNIS    What? LOU    It's like - like you send your camera on vacation in your place, and when it comes back, the pictures fade slowly in.  You never get everything, just glimpses.  And it's always the worst things you did.  ALWAYS. DENNIS    You're just trying to put me off. LOU    [fierce!]  NO!  I would LOVE to see you suffer the way I have!!  If it weren't that people would die, I would gladly pass this burden on to you. DENNIS    Only bad people. LOU    When you're - like that - every person looks the same.  Meat. MUSIC AMB    BREAKFAST    MARJORIE    I hope you don't mind.  Mother had to help with something at the church, so I cooked. LOU    Smells good. MARJORIE    Are you thinking of dating my mom? LOU    I... can't. MARJORIE    Whyever not? LOU    I have to move on. MARJORIE    Right away? LOU    Before the end of the week. MARJORIE    Hunting a werewolf? LOU    [sigh]  Something. MARJORIE    Tell me. LOU    Don't get it into your head that you're gonna hunt werewolves, young lady. MARJORIE    Of course not.  But I want to know.  LOU    [indecisive grunt, eats] MARJORIE    [overly casual] Are you a werewolf? LOU    [spit take, then quiet]  Yes. MARJORIE    [serious] Did you come here for dad to kill you? SOUND    HE SETS DOWN THE SILVERWARE LOU    [quiet but firm] Yes. MARJORIE    Why dad?  Just cause of granpapa? LOU    Your family.  It's - this is a curse.  I mean the werewolf.  And whoever kills the holder of the curse will be cursed in turn. MARJORIE    You killed one? LOU    A long time ago.  And the only people who can kill a werewolf without being cursed are your father's family. MARJORIE    Oh, golly. LOU    So I'll go away and check back later-- MARJORIE    My brother's dead. LOU    Uh-- Yeah.  Your mother told me. MARJORIE    So that leaves just ...me? LOU    I couldn't do that to you. MUSIC AMB    GARAGE DENNIS    Just because you can't control yourself-- LOU    You don't think I've tried? DENNIS    I am a lawman. LOU    I don't see a lot of justice right here. DENNIS    You're an animal, not a man. LOU    Kill me, then. DENNIS    I'm sure I'll have to.  Eventually. SOUND    PHONE RINGS, DISTANT DENNIS    Oh, heck.  [laughs, teasing] Don't go anywhere. SOUND    DENNIS LEAVES LOU    Hah.  Ouch. SOUND    TAP ON GLASS LOU    What? SOUND    OUTSIDE DOOR OPENS, MARJORIE SLIPS IN MARJORIE    Oh my gosh!  What did he do to you? LOU    Get out of here! MARJORIE    No way!  At least I can get these knots undone. LOU    It's almost dusk! MARJORIE    [realizing] Oh!  But you wouldn't hurt me! LOU    I would never.  But IT doesn't care. MARJORIE    What can I do? LOU    Go home.  And if you never see me again, but you... hear... howling--? MARJORIE    What? LOU    If it's not me, it'll be him. SOUND    DOORKNOB TURNS MARJORIE    I'll be back! SOUND    SHE OPENS OUTSIDE DOOR LOU    [SCREAMS, FIGHTING TO GET LOOSE, AND DISTRACT DENNIS AS HE ENTERS] MUSIC AMB    BREAKFAST MARJORIE    But that leaves you... What will you do? LOU    Try and stay away from people, as much as I can. MARJORIE    Is it that bad? LOU    Yes.  But no matter how bad it gets, I'd rather suffer it myself than leave someone else to go through it.  At least I'm used to it. MARJORIE    What if you killed yourself? LOU    You don't need to fill your head with these morbid ideas. MARJORIE    Hush.  What about it? LOU    I can't.  I've tried.  Over and over.  If I even start, it takes over.  That's one of the only times the wolf comes - except the full moon. MUSIC AMB    GARAGE LOU    [Howls] DENNIS    [excited] Is it starting? LOU    No!  DENNIS    Damn.  I want to watch. LOU    No.  You don't. DENNIS    Yeah.  I do.  [beat]  You know what's funny? LOU    Donald duck. DENNIS    Hah. Hah.  What's funny is that phone call I just got - Apparently Scott Jorgenson's dad just sobered up and turned himself in for beating his own damn kid to death. LOU    Yeah.  That's real funny. DENNIS    So I got nothing to even blame you for. LOU    I suppose that means you're gonna untie me any minute. DENNIS    Uh... no. LOU    Aw, shucks. DENNIS    [deep breath]  Getting late.  Guess it's time for the chains.  LOU    You want to know the secret? DENNIS    Yeah!? LOU    Come closer. DENNIS    Yeah? LOU    Real close. DENNIS    [a little suspicious]  Really? LOU    I have to whisper. DENNIS    What? LOU    [rra!] SOUND    BITE, RIP DENNIS    [scream!] SOUND    ROPES CREAK, WOOD SPLINTERS LOU    [rough, growl] It's starting! DENNIS    Oh my god! LOU    [agony noises] SOUND    HORRIBLE SHAPE SHIFTING NOISES DENNIS    [freaking out] SOUND    GUN SHOTS LOU    [hit, expires] DENNIS    Huh.  [touches his bite, hiss of pain] SOUND    CREAKY FLESH NOISE DENNIS    What? SOUND    BONE CRACKS DENNIS    [pain!]  oww! SOUND    DROPS GUN, BEGINS TO FLOP AROUND THE ROOM SOUND    DOOR CREAKS OPEN DENNIS    [howls!] SOUND    HORRIBLE SHAPESHIFTING NOISES SOUND    GUN PICKED UP DENNIS    [almost unintelligible]  Self control!  I can... control... [disintegrates into a howl] SOUND    GUNSHOT DENNIS    [pain] MARJORIE    [crying]  Oh!   [Unh! exertion noise when she shoots] SOUND    GUN SHOT DENNIS    [yelp of pain, then angry growl] SOUND    NAILS ON CONCRETE, HE STARTS TO MOVE MARJORIE    No!  Unh! SOUND    GUNSHOT DENNIS    [yelp!  Expires] SOUND    WOLF FALLS SOUND    2 more shots, then clicks. SOUND    SILENCE MARJORIE    No more nightmares, Lou. SOUND    OPENS THE DOOR MARJORIE    Not for you, anyway. SOUND    SHUTS THE DOOR MUSIC NIGHTMARE SEQUENCE, VERY MUCH LIKE LOU'S MARJORIE    [wakes with a gasp] SOUND    DOOR, FOOTSTEPS AMB    KITCHEN, COOKING EDITH    Honey?  You look dreadful.  Are you feeling all right? MARJORIE    I think we need to have a talk, mom.  About my father. END

When politics might ruin one world, what if you could slip off to another one?

Inspired by the classic 1920s Shudder Pulps, a mad scientist has captured a set of victims and forces them to play his hideous game!  Warning:  Mature themes and brutal violence- Seriously Three men, chained in a dungeon!  Beautiful women in peril!  An evil genius doctor!  Villanous minions! Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Garth Jenkins - Chris Stockett Klaus Heinz - Lothar Tuppan Luigi Marconi - David Collins-Rivera Dr. Chnossos - Chris Stockett Grace - Risa Torres Nathalia - Tanja Milojevic Amelie - Julie Hoverson Susanne - Sara Falconer Helga and Oda - Julie Hoverson Mongrel Henchmen - Danar Hoverson & Reynaud LeBoeuf With thanks to The Vault of Evil - where I encountered the dreaded Shudder Pulps!!! Music by Conspiracy (via Jamendo) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a dank dungeon room, sometime in the 1920s, can't you tell?"   **************************************************************************** TROPHY CASE Cast: Garth Jenkins, American athlete 25 Klaus Heinz, Prussian pilot 27 Luigi Marconi, Italian strong man 30 Dr. Chnossos - wheelchair nutjob 60 Amelie, French girl 20 Nathalia, Russian girl 20 Grace, British girl 20 Susanne, American girl 20 Helga, German girl 20 Oda, Swedish girl 20 MONGREL HENCHMEN [any age] OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a dank dungeon room, in the early 1920s, can't you tell?  ROOM WITH BOX, TEASER MUSIC SOUND    DOOR SLAMS GARTH    See if there's something to bar the door with! AMELIE    I can't see - it's too dim in 'ere! SOUND    [outside]  YELLS!  THUMPING ON DOOR GARTH    [grunts, holding door shut] ODA    They are right behind us! NATHALIA    We should kill them.  Then they will never catch us. GARTH    We gotta try and stay ahead of them. GRACE    There's a box over here! GARTH    Can you move it in front of the door? GRACE    Help me, someone! ODA    [plaintive] Is it heavy? GRACE    It's big.  Need to get it away from the wall. ODA    [uncertain] I'll help. SOUND    GRIND OF WOOD ON STONE GRACE and ODA    [grunt, pushing] SOUND    SWOOSH OF BLADE ODA    [SCREAM, gurgle] GRACE    [Scream of fear] SOUND    BODY DROPS ODA    [whimpers, expires] GRACE    [covering mouth, trying to stop screaming] NATHALIA    [excited, but not afraid]  She is dead! GRACE    [hiccuppy gasp, gets control]  That blade just came out of the wall when we pushed the box! AMELIE    [to Grace] You come with me.  We will 'old the door and let monsieur look.  [up to him]  Je ne sais - eh - we do not even know your name! GARTH    Garth.  Garth Jenkins.  AMELIE    I am Amelie.  [hinting] And this is--? GRACE    [almost composed again, but still sniffling] Grace.  I can't believe it.  [starting to lose it again] How could something like that... happen..? AMELIE    'ere.  Lean on the door with me. GARTH    Well...  Stay back, ladies. NATHALIA    I can see perfectly well from here. GARTH    Ok.  She's dead, all right.  That blade must have been on a tripwire of some kind. NATHALIA    It cut her nearly in half. AMELIE    What is this tripwire you speak of? GARTH    A trap.  He said there would be traps.  I guess you need to know why we're here... MUSIC FLASHBACK DUNGEON SOUND     CHAIN, SCUFFLE, ECHO, DRIP LUIGI    [muttered, in pain] Mamma mia! GARTH    Wowsers.  My aching head. KLAUS    [snort of indignation] SOUND    CHAINS RATTLE LUIGI    Hey now!  This is an outrage!  Who are you to do this-a to me! GARTH    Do what?  I can't see a thing.  What's someone doing? KLAUS    [calm, superior] Someone has locked us all in chains. CHNOSSOS [over intercom] Yes. [evil chuckle] You are all my prisoners. GARTH    Wowsers! LUIGI    It is an outrage! CHNOSSOS Yes, yes. I am outrageous.  GARTH    [to doc] You should let us go.  The American government won't like this one bit.  No sir. LUIGI    [to doc] You watch yourself, funny guy!  You come-a let us out now, and maybe we don’t-a kill you dreadful! KLAUS    Shut up!  [they do] I wish to hear what this man has to say. CHNOSSOS Very good. I said I am your captor, and this is true.  GARTH    Hey! LUIGI    Outrage! CHNOSSOS I have brought you here to play my game. [evil chuckle] I thought that would silence you.  I am Doctor Chnossos.  Perhaps you have heard of me?  [waits, no reply, then grumpy]  Probably for the best.  I am a secretive genius.  [upbeat again] You see, I have it in mind to find the perfect male human specimen in the entire world, and have narrowed it down to you three. GARTH    Specimen?  I ain't no specimen! LUIGI    Mamma mia!  Look no further!  I am the strongest man alive!  No one can stand before me! KLAUS    [musing] Fascinating. CHNOSSOS Through exhaustive research, I have narrowed it down to you. Garth Jenkins, All-American football star, Olympic runner, and gold medal swimmer. GARTH    I can hold my breath for three minutes! CHNOSSOS Luigi Marconi, European strongman and champion wrestler. LUIGI    I snap you like a twig! CHNOSSOS And Klaus Heinz, fencing master, ace pilot, and big game hunter. GARTH    Really? LUIGI    Pilot, like the Red Baron? KLAUS    I see no point in denying it. CHNOSSOS The game is simple. See who makes it out of my little labyrinth alive. GARTH    Wowsers! KLAUS    Hmph. LUIGI    Santa Maria! CHNOSSOS There is only one exit. Somewhere out there in my maze.  And only one of you may leave.  [ominous] Ever. GARTH    You want us to... kill each other? LUIGI    I'm not-a that kind of feller. KLAUS    It could not be so simple. CHNOSSOS You are right. It is not that simple.  I do not care who dies, only who escapes.  Kill or do not kill - that is no concern of mine. GARTH    Good. CHNOSSOS BUT... whichever ones are left inside will surely die, for I will seal the door the minute an escape is made. KLAUS    Of course. LUIGI    Dios mio! CHNOSSOS And, of course, my beloved maze - it is full of traps! MUSIC Box room AMELIE    They 'ave stopped.  At the door. NATHALIA    Should we open the door and look? GARTH    I don't think so.  It could be a trap. GRACE    [cold] If what you say is true, this entire place is a trap.  I for one would rather die than fall into their hands, if they're anything like the fellows I saw [falters] before... before-- AMELIE    oh!  Moi aussi! GARTH    Nobody's dying! NATHALIA    [snort] GARTH    Nobody else! SUSANNE    [distant] [horrible screams!!!  THEY GO ON A LONG TIME] AMELIE    Mon dieu! NATHALIA    We need weapons. GRACE    I wish she would stop! GARTH    Well, I've checked everything I can think of on this box.  Looks like I can open it, though after what happened, I wish I had a good old pool cue or something to let me stay back. AMELIE    We will stay by the door.  GRACE     Out of your way. SOUND    SLOW CREAK OPEN BOX GARTH    I just wish I knew what that crazy doctor wants with-- [breaks off in surprise]  What the hay? NATHALIA    What is it? GARTH    The box is full of ... [a little worried] weapons. MUSIC FLASHBACK DUNGEON GARTH    Why in blazes are you doing this? CHNOSSOS As I said, I must see who is the most perfect male. Since you each have your own strengths-- LUIGI    Strength!  That is what I have. CHNOSSOS --there is no direct comparison except through competition. To begin with, those chains-- SOUND    CLANK, CLATTER AS CHAINS FALL AWAY CHNOSSOS --must come off. There is no contest in watching strong men starve to death.  Speak amongst yourselves.  I must go and prepare the next challenge. [evil laugh] SOUND    NOISE TO INDICATE SPEAKING SYSTEM IS OFF GARTH    You!  Fellows! KLAUS    Ja? LUIGI    Donchoo come-a no closer! GARTH    See here, we should work together.  If there's danger here, cooperation will be the best thing for it. KLAUS    [considering] But this voice - he said that only one can win. LUIGI    And that one - its'a gonna be me, by all the saints! GARTH    That's all fine and dandy, but right now we're just three fellers in a dark room.  Let's at least stick together til we find a way out.  Or some light. SOUND    DOOR GRATES OPEN KLAUS    I think you get both of your wishes. SOUND    KLAUS WALKS GARTH    Hey, not so fast!  It could be a trap! KLAUS    I think it is too early in the game for that.  No.  This is merely an opening move.  I will make the first counter move. SOUND    LUIGI GETS UP LUIGI    I'm-a gonna wait and see what happens to that bosch before I step up.  No sense a-both of us getting killed alla the same time, eh? GARTH    It looks safe ...so far. MUSIC BOX ROOM NATHALIA    Weapons?  Guns? GARTH    No, no guns.  Hold on.  SOUND    STUFF BEING MOVED, JUST A LITTLE GARTH    Huh. [almost a chuckle] A good old pool cue.  Stay back! AMELIE    Why?  Should we not 'elp? GARTH    I saw something move.  I'm gonna see what I can... SOUND    SOMETHING FLOPS ON THE FLOOR NATHALIA    A whip!  I'll take that. GARTH    You know how to use it? NATHALIA    I had a very unusual ... boyfriend. AMELIE    'Ow unusual? NATHALIA    [laugh]  Oh!  Your face!  He worked with the circus.  Trained animals. GRACE    I don't suppose there might be a riding crop in there?  I'm a dab hand with close cuts. GARTH    Stay back! SOUND    THUMP ON THE DOOR AMELIE    'Elp me 'old the door! GRACE    [grunt, she throws herself against the door]  Find us something we can use - quickly! SOUND    THUMP ON THE DOOR MUSIC dungeon CHNOSSOS Come in gentlemen. [evil chuckle] I can see that physical perfection is no guarantee of courage. LUIGI    I ain't-a no coward - donchoo say that! KLAUS    [from off] I think you had best come in here. GARTH    Come on. LUIGI    I'll a-go first. SOUND    WALKING GARTH    Holy moley! LUIGI    Santa Maria! KLAUS    Most charming, are they not?  Sleeping peacefully in their night shifts. GARTH    Look, here, you!  It's all very well to challenge us fellows, but this-- CHNOSSOS The six ladies you see before you are the most beautiful women in the world. LUIGI    You ain't a-kidding! CHNOSSOS You might recall a recent article about the loss, at sea, of the boat carrying the finalists in the world beauty pageant? GARTH    Jumping jehosephat! KLAUS    [aha] Of course! LUIGI    That explains-a everything! CHNOSSOS It was all a ruse - the boat DID sink, but not until I had "relieved" it of its lovely cargo. GARTH    And the rest of the passengers and crew? CHNOSSOS Unnecessary. They went down with the ship.  Couldn't have anyone left behind to inform the authorities of my presence, could I? KLAUS    What is the matter with the girls?  Why do they not awaken? CHNOSSOS Oh, it's been much easier to keep them drugged until now. They should be coming to any minute.  Before they do, I should tell you the rest of the rules of the game. LUIGI    Game?  This ain't-a no game! GARTH    Shh.  Let him talk. CHNOSSOS No one escapes without a woman. I need two perfect specimens - a male and a female. KLAUS    You sound like you plan to start a master race. CHNOSSOS I leave that to others. Each of you must choose one of the women for your companion.  LUIGI    What do we -uh- do with the girl? CHNOSSOS [juicy] Anything you like. But you must keep her alive until you find the exit. KLAUS    Do you have to keep the same woman?  CHNOSSOS Any woman will do. That's all the same to me. MUSIC BOX ROOM SOUND    THUMP ON DOOR! GRACE    They're going to get through any second SOUND    WHIP CRACK NATHALIA    [vicious, excited] Let them.  GARTH    Here's a knife, and - oh!  SOUND    THUMP OF KNIFE INTO BOX GARTH    Got it! SOUND     THUMP ON DOOR GRACE    [gasp, strain] Got WHAT? GARTH    Something spidery.  Probably poisonous - that's why I'm taking this kinda slow! SOUND    SPIKE COMES CRUNCHING THROUGH DOOR AMELIA    [gaspy scream]  Be more quick! NATHALIA    Let it open. GARTH    All right.  On three, both of you, move over there, quick!  I don’t want to lose nobody else. SOUND    THUMP, CRASH! MUSIC dungeon GARTH    What about the others?  CHNOSSOS What? GARTH    The other girls.  There's six of them and only three of us.  What happens to the others? CHNOSSOS [nasty wicked] Don't worry. They won't be alone for long.  [evil chuckle] You think I run this place single-handed?  I have a horde of ..."men" just waiting to [insinuating] make the ladies' acquaintance. GARTH    You fiend! KLAUS    Very clever. LUIGI    You put this into our hands?  You make-a this all our fault! CHNOSSOS [taunting] Your fault? Why, no!  Think of it this way - you each get to save one of these ladies from their fate! GARTH    A fate worse than death! CHNOSSOS Just because those left behind are.... mmm... doomed. GARTH    Well, we won't leave any, will we?  [beat]  Will we? KLAUS    It will make it very difficult to succeed, herding a flock of women through a maze. LUIGI    I like-a the ladies, but they can be a little hard to manage. SOUND    GIRLS BEGIN TO WAKEN GARTH    You heels.  [up, to doc]  Hey!  What if we don't leave any of 'em behind?  What about that? CHNOSSOS You can make that choice if you want. And of course, should any of them die in the traps in this maze-- GARTH    Die? CHNOSSOS --and I assure you gentlemen, the traps are very very deadly! You might do well to take more than one, rather like a spare tire - since no one will make it out without a distaff partner. KLAUS    Nein.  GARTH    No, Six. KLAUS    [exasperated sigh, then "duh"] No.  I will burden myself with only one.  Easier to watch over.  AMELIE    [waking, very French]  Oh la la!  Ou et la? LUIGI     But how do you propose to choose who gets a-which a-one? GARTH    We should make up our minds now - before they all wake up and start a ruckus. NATHALIE    [russian-sounding mutter] KLAUS    I have already decided.  I will have this blonde one. SUSANNE    [waking up]  Oh!! GARTH    Why's that? KLAUS    Simple.  She is the smallest.  Easiest to carry, should something happen.  You, girl. SUSANNE    [gasp, American]  What?  Where am I? GARTH    Hey, you should leave her to me.  She's from the good old U-S of A! KLAUS    Too late.  Come with me, girl. SUSANNE    I don't want to-- KLAUS    [threatening] Do not argue with me.  This is a matter of life and death! CHNOSSOS Too right you are. For in five minutes, that green door on the far wall will open and a few of my choice minions will be let loose in this room.  And you know what will happen then... [evil chuckle] GARTH    Holy cats!  We better get a move on. LUIGI    But where a-do-a we go?  There's the dreadful green door, and the way-a we came in, and then--? SOUND    GRATING OF STONE KLAUS    How convenient.  Three doorways open.  Come girl.  I will keep you alive. SOUND    GRABS UP SUZANNE KLAUS    And we will make our exit, stage left. SUSANNE    But I don't understand! KLAUS    I will tell you all you need to know.  [commanding] Come! SOUND    THEY LEAVE AMELIE    And 'oo will tell us all we need to know? LUIGI    French?  Eh!  I have always favored French girls.  I'll take-a you. AMELIE    [defiant] Take-a me where?  I do not think so! LUIGI    [getting mad] Don’t argue a-with-a me!  You won’t-a getta better chance-a than this! GARTH    You better go, lady.  Bad things are gonna happen here. AMELIE    Huh!  And no bad tings will 'appen with thees fellow?  Hah! LUIGI    Atsa your bad-a luck, then.  You-- HELGA    Ja? LUIGI    Do notta speak.  Just come. SOUND    HUSTLES HER OFF AMELIE    Hmph.  Adieu. MUSIC BOX ROOM SOUND    MAN CHOKING GARTH    Leave off! NATHALIA    [with exertion] He would be doing worse to me, were our positions reversed! GARTH    We already killed three of them!  We should keep him alive, make him tell us how to get out of here! NATHALIA    Very well. [lets up, then hissed] You!  You will take us through the maze, or He will leave you to me again, and strangling you is NOT the most painful thing I can do with this whip. SOUND    CREAK OF LEATHER MONGREL    [gasping] GRACE    Are we certain the others are dead? GARTH    Best as I can be.  AMELIA    I want 'is spear.  Anything to keep terrible things at arm's length. GRACE    I guess that leaves me the knife, unless you want to dig further into that box. SOUND    CREAK OF WOOD GRACE    The box!  It's tipping forward! GARTH    Dang it!  [to the captive] YOU!  Where do we go from here? MONGREL    [gibbers in his language] GARTH    Don't tell me he don't speak no English! AMELIA    If he does not speak, then he is no use!  NATHALIA    Da!  Then he is mine! MONGREL    No!  No! GRACE    There's an opening under the box - and the darkness!  It's moving! AMELIA    Spiders! NATHALIA    Bah!  A whip is useless against such as those - we must leave here! MUSIC DUNGEON GARTH    Gosh.  I can't leave any of you girls here alone.  That wouldn't be right. AMELIE    We can look after ourselves. NATHALIA    Speak for your own self!  I want him to look after me. ODA    Someone tell us, please, what it is that is going on? GRACE    Yes.  Can’t you fill us in? GARTH    Not here, not now.  We gotta get moving - bad things are coming. GRACE    Bad things?  Could you be a bit more vague? AMELIE    [troubled] That voice over the intercom - it said that.  I think he is sincere. GARTH    We'll get a move on, and I can tell you as we go. ODA    You are taking her with you? GARTH    Darnitall, I'm taking all o' y'all. MUSIC HALLWAY, KLAUS SUSANNE    [distant, still screaming and gasping, and sobbing] KLAUS    Verdammt.  She must be behind the wall here, somewhere.  [noise as he kicks the wall] GRACE    [distant scream] KLAUS    My apologies, miss America.  But there remain other fish in the ocean. SOUND    HE WALKS AWAY FROM SUSANNE'S SCREAM MUSIC FLAShBACK TO BOAT SOUND    CALM OCEAN, DISTANT MUSIC SUSANNE    Gee, this is swell! AMELIE    You are recovered from your mal-de-mer? SUSANNE    One hundred percent!  Gosh, even seasick sounds so much nicer in French, don't it? AMELIE    [laughs] ODA    Oh, here is where you are!  It is almost time for the curfew.  AMELIE    I don't think it is so dangereuse, to steal a few more minutes of this lovely ocean air! SOUND    FEET APPROACH GRACE    Ah, I'm not the only one with a mind to an evening constitutional?  Makes one sleep quite soundly. SUSANNE    Is that another boat out there? AMELIE    [shrug] Eh.  There are innumerable boats in the ocean. SOUND    BELL SUSANNE    Yeah.  I swear it's coming right at us. ODA    [a bit worried] Oh, come along, we must obey the rules! SOUND    THEY WALK INSIDE, DOOR OPENS GRACE    You'll forget all about strange boats once you get around some warm milk, and tuck up for the night. MUSIC HALLWAY, LUIGI HELGA    I cannot move another step! LUIGI    [threatening] Ahhh!  You know what-a will happen to you if-a you don't! HELGA    [stifled sob] LUIGI    Open that door. HELGA    My hand is still bleeding from the last door! LUIGI    So.  You still have one-a good hand.  [growl] Open it. HELGA    [sobbing breath] LUIGI    [warning noise] HELGA    [takes deep trepidacious breath, pushes door open] SOUND    DISTANT EXPLOSION HELGA    [gasp!] MUSIC FLASHBACK TO BOAT AMBIANCE     BOAT SOUND    EXPLOSION NOTE    GIRLS HAVE BEEN DRUGGED, ARE GROGGY SUSANNE    What?  What's going on? SOUND    STUMBLING TO DOOR SOUND    HUGE CREAK, THINGS SLIDE SUSANNE    What the - oh!!  [stumbles, gasps for breath] ODA    Why is the world sliding to the window? SUSANNE    I'll try to [gasping breath] try to get to the door-- SOUND    STAGGERING FEET ODA    Don't leave me!  I cannot swim! SUSANNE    I'll just-- SOUND    DOOR FLIES OPEN MONGREL    [evil laughter] SUSANNE    [screams] ODA    What is it?  Oh! [screams] MONGREL    [evil laughter] MUSIC OUTSIDE BOX ROOM SOUND    WHIP CRACK MONGREL    [scream of agony] NATHALIA    [ecstatic gasp, laugh!, sound of effort as she brings her arm back for another slice] SOUND    CREAK OF LEATHER, CATCH HAND MONGREL    [whimpering] GARTH    [ugh as he stops her] Here, now, that's enough of that! NATHALIA    Hmph.  That one will be of no help! AMELIE    We cannot merely stand 'ere in the corridor!  Something will come! GRACE    She's right.  We should keep moving along. NATHALIA    This one goes first.  If he will not help us find the way, his only use is to find the traps before we do. SOUND    CLUNK, BEHIND A DOOR GARTH    Shh!  There's something in that room up ahead! SOUND    GRAPPLE MONGREL    [whimper] NATHALIA    Open the door, you beast! MONGREL    [negatory noise] NATHALIA    [intense whisper]  You think I've hurt you already?  You have felt nothing yet! GRACE    Here, now - that's quite enough! NATHALIA    Back off, limey!  I have no wish to die! GARTH    Ladies! AMELIE    The only one 'oo wins, if we fight, is the monster 'oo put us 'ere! NATHALIA    If this thing is not going to open the door, it certainly will not be me! GARTH    [determined sigh] I'll open the door.  You three, stand back.  Keep an eye on him. NATHALIA    [muttered] Teach your grandmother to suck eggs. SOUND    DOORKNOB SLOWLY TURNS MUSIC HALLWAY, LUIGI SOUND    ZIPPER HELGA    [sobbing] LUIGI    Get up.  HELGA    No.  I will not. LUIGI    You should be grateful I would even touch you - you sniveling thing. HELGA    I have lost everything.  My hand.  My... dignity.  And now this ... insult. LUIGI    [nasty whisper] Think of it as a compliment.  One last chance to feel like a woman. HELGA    [hissed, angry]  I might feel like a woman, if you felt anything like a man! LUIGI    You bitch!  SOUND    SLAP HELGA    [gasp] LUIGI    I am your only chance to survive.  Once we get out of here, you can go to hell! HELGA    [fiery] You can go to hell right here! SOUND    SHE RUNS OFF, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY LUIGI    What? SOUND    TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS, RUSTLE AS HIS PANTS FALL, HE TRIPS LUIGI    [falling, ahhh!  Oof!]  HELGA    [distant - laughter is cut off by a shrill scream, in turn cut off in mid-scream] SOUND    HEAVY THUMP OF A BLADE, DISTANT LUIGI    Biiiiitch! MUSIC HALLWAY, GARTH SOUND    DOOR OPENS GARTH    It's dark. AMELIE    Do not go in.  I'll light something off one of these flames. GRACE    What will burn well? GARTH    I'll open the door the rest of the way, see what I can see-- urk! SOUND    SCUFFLE! AMELIE    Garth? GRACE    Oh god! NATHALIA    Bring it out into the light! SOUND    STRUGGLE STOPS KLAUS    [from within] Step back, ladies.  We are coming out. GARTH    [half strangled] Why I oughtta....! KLAUS    Shh!  This knife says you are now the quiet one.  [up] I suggest you ladies all move over there.  Unless you want your hero to have a very close shave. GRACE    Nathalia!  Come here! NATHALIA    [angry noise] SOUND    CREAK OF LEATHER, HER ANGRY FOOTSTEPS KLAUS    Danke shoen.  Let us be Civilized about this. GRACE    Go on then. GARTH    Civilized?  Urk! GRACE    [low and intense] Do not anger the man with the knife! KLAUS    The ever practical britisher.  Hah!  I find myself without a companion. GRACE    Susanne? AMELIE    [gasp] NATHALIE    Fiend! KLAUS    [cold, tinged with anger] She was snatched from behind me by one of the minions.  I turned and saw her pulled through a door, which I could not open.   GRACE    So, being practical, what are you doing here? NATHALIA    Is it not obvious?  He needs a new woman. KLAUS    Ja.  [wry] Have I a volunteer?  Or must I resort to threats? AMELIE    You are not going to kill 'im?  KLAUS    Not if one of you comes with me.  We will walk down the hall, and he will accompany us as far as the intersection there.  AMELIE    Why should we trust you? KLAUS    You have my word as a Prussian. GRACE    And the others? KLAUS    [matter of fact] Wait here.  He will come back for you.  He is such an honorable schoolboy.  Is it a deal, my fine fellow? GARTH    [gasping a bit] Only if the ladies agree. GRACE    One of us will have to-- NATHALIA    I will go. AMELIE    What, you want to go with 'im? NATHALIA    Perhaps I am this tired of boy scouts.  Should I take my pet along with me? SOUND    KICKS MONGREL    [Urk] SOUND    FLOPPY FALL GRACE    Goodness, I think he's... dead! MUSIC HALLWAY, LUIGI SOUND    TRICKLING, DRIPPING NOISES LUIGI    Dios mio!  Such a mess.  Stupid woman! SOUND    DOOR OPENS, DISTANT LUIGI    Too bad-a this blade is too big to take with me.  I am-a left with the same club of wood.  No more blades up above?  [considering noise, scanning the ceiling]   No. nothing else a-looks tricky. SOUND    CAREFUL STEPPING OVER, FOOTSTEP IN STICKY PUDDLE LUIGI    [ech!  Disgusted noise] SOUND    DISTANT FOOTSTEPS, BOOTS SOUND    LUIGI WALKS QUIETLY OFF, STICKY FOOT MUSIC HALLWAY, LADIES AMELIE    What if 'ee does not return? GRACE    He can't get out without one of us.  He must come back. AMELIE    [odd tone] But... 'ee can only leave with one of us. GRACE    We'll sort that all out when we get that far. AMELIE    [musing] Oui.  We will. MUSIC HALLWAY, KLAUS SOUND    SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS KLAUS    There.  Now, you must admit I have done you no more harm than I had to.  GARTH    [angry sigh] Yes. KLAUS    And you swear you will count 20 before you move? GARTH    Yes. NATHALIA    [cold] I do not see why you should not kill him, eliminate the competition now. GARTH    Nathalia! NATHALIA    Garth, dear boy - you are adorable.  But this is life and death, tovarisch. KLAUS    [furious hiss] I have given my word, woman!  NATHALIA    [fierce, But backing down] Very well! GARTH    You should get a move on.  For all we know that eyetalian fellow is already on his way out the exit. MUSIC HALLWAY LUIGI MONGRELS WATCHING, ON THE LEFT, GENERAL CONVERSATION MONGREL    [babbling] MONGREL2    [babbling, slightly higher voice] LUIGI    [on right, whisper]  Bastardos! SOUND    ROCK SKIPS ACROSS FLOOR MONGRELS    [gasp to a stop] SOUND    WEAPONS COMING TO READY MONGRELS     [shushing each other] LUIGI    [whispered] Now for the bait. SOUND    JUICY DRAG NOISE, FLOP LUIGI     [whispered] Look at that a-shapely leg, boys.  How can you resist? MONGRELS    [murmur - excited - wolf whistle] LUIGI    [high pitched gasp, mimicking a girl] SOUND    STICKY FLOPPY NOISE, PULLS SEVERED LEG BACK MONGRELS    [nasty chuckle] LUIGI    Just a few... more... steps... MUSIC HALLWAY, GARTH SOUND    WALKING, TAPPING AHEAD WITH A STICK GRACE    How will we know the exit when we find it? GARTH    I guess, from what he said, I assumed it would be obvious. AMELIE    Do not pester 'im.  'ee is doing the best 'ee can!  [to Garth, warm] I trust you, completemente! GARTH    [a little uncertain] Well.  They went thataway, so I figure we should try this direction.  GRACE    Perhaps he knew something? GARTH    I don't think so. AMELIE    Whichever way you wish to go is fine.  I am right behind you, [sexy] always. GARTH    Come on, then.  SOUND    THEY TAP AND WALK OFF MUSIC HALLWAY, KLAUS SOUND    SCUFFLE, SWOOSH, THUMP, CREAK OF LEATHER KLAUS    [heavy breathing] That was too close! NATHALIA    My God!  That would have cut me in half! KLAUS    You look much better in one piece. NATHALIA    If we do not escape-- [leaves it hanging] KLAUS    This doctor says we will be sealed in here.  Do not worry.  I will kill you quickly.  And then find a way to end myself as well. NATHALIA    Before you do that, we must find a place where we can ...enjoy one last minute together. KLAUS    If it was only a minute, I would call it an insult to both of us. NATHALIA    [ecstatic deep breath] KLAUS    [Deep breath] [clipped, cold] But for now - Let us try still to win, before we plan to celebrate defeat.  MUSIC HALLWAY, LUIGI SOUND    FIGHT! LUIGI    [grunt] SOUND    CRUNCH MONGREL    [squeal, ends in gurgle, dies] LUIGI    Hah! That's-a for you. SOUND    BODY DROP SOUND    SMACKS HANDS CLEAN SUSANNE    [muffled gasp, behind wall] LUIGI    Eh?  SOUND    SCUFFLE SUSANNE    [sob] LUIGI    Where are a-you? SUSANNE    Who - who is it? LUIGI    [low chuckle, then muttered, satisfied]  It’s-a someone who needs him a woman. MUSIC HALLWAY, KLAUS SOUND     WALKING APPROACHES, STOPS NATHALIA    Borje-moi!  Another dead end! KLAUS    [furious!]  Gott in Himmel!  [deep hissed breath, calming himself]  Pah!  At least going this direction, we know where the traps are. MUSIC HALLWAY, LUIGI SOUND    DOOR GRINDS OPEN SUSANNA    [hoarse shriek]  No more!  Please! LUIGI    Come out of there.  We need to move along! SUSANNA    [whimper] You're not one of ...them? LUIGI    I am one of-a me.  And I need one of-a you.  Come now, girl, or I will leave you to their mercies. SUSANNA    Noo!!! LUIGI    Come out! SUSANNA    But I-- [whimpers, sniffles]  They took my clothes! LUIGI    You can-a walk naked, can’t you? SUSANNA    [cries] LUIGI     Fine.  I take-a you something from these-a dead fellows, eh? SUSANNA    Just anything.  Please. MUSIC HALLWAY, GARTH SOUND    TAPPING, OFF TO THE LEFT GRACE    I know what you're about! AMELIE    Whatever do you mean? GRACE    This helpless act, and agreeing with everything poor Garth says.  He won’t be fooled. AMELIE    I am fooling no one.  I truly agree with 'im.  Is it so bad that I wish to survive? GRACE    I shan't play this game. AMELIE    She 'oo does not play cannot 'ope to win! GARTH    [coming in]  Seems clear up ahead.  Come on. MUSIC HALLWAY, KLAUS SOUND    WALKING KLAUS    Shh! SOUND    THEY STOP SOUND    DISTANT DOOR OPENS KLAUS    [whispered] stay close! SOUND    QUIET STEPS KLAUS    [whisper] This way. MUSIC HALLWAY, GARTH SOUND    WALKING GARTH    [whispered] Big open room ahead.  Stay right here, and keep an eye out behind, got it? AMELIE    [fervent] Absolutment! GRACE    [clipped, a bit sour] Yes. SOUND    HIS FOOTSTEPS, THEN A GRATING NOISE GARTH    A gate!  Quick!  Come on! AMELIE    It's coming down too fast! GRACE    Slide! SOUND    GRATING STOPS GARTH    [grunts - effort - holding up the gate]  Come... On!  Quick!  Get under! GRACE     Go!  SOUND    DISTANT MUTTER OF MONGRELS AMELIE    They are coming! GRACE    Move your shapely posterior! GARTH    [lots of effort] Quickly! AMELIE    [breathing heavily] Oh!  Oh!  I am clear! GRACE    My turn, I think. GARTH    HURRRRRRY! GRACE    Oh!  Something's grabbed my foot! AMELIE    [quiet] oh no.  GRACE    Help me!  Amelie!  Ahh!  GARTH    [straining] I can't hold it much longer! AMELIE    [dithering] Oh... [decides]  Oui.  Give me your 'ands! SOUND    HANDS SLAP TOGETHER BOTH WOMEN STRAIN GRACE    I'm loose!  Quick, Pull!! AMELIE    Uuuh! SOUND    RIPPING OF FABRIC GARTH    It's slipping! SOUND    CLANG!  PORTCULLIS DROPS GRACE    Good god - If my feet were a size larger, I'd be lost.  Amelie.  Thank you. AMELIE    [upset] pas du tout.  It was nothing. CHNOSSOS True - I fear your heroics were for nothing, mademoiselle. AMELIE    [gasp] GARTH    What are you talking about? CHNOSSOS You are too late. SOUND    GRATING ACROSS THE ROOM, SCUFFLE AS KLAUS AND NATHALIA ENTER GARTH    Too late?  Too late for what? CHNOSSOS The Italian. He has found the exit.  And even though his female was.... damaged goods... I never specified they had to make it out in pristine condition. KLAUS    And now what is to happen? CHNOSSOS I have what I wanted. You are ...expendable. SOUND    SPEAKING TUBE BEING CLOSED KLAUS    That door - Is that the exit?  Do you know? GARTH    I guess I thought it was. SOUND    DOORS OPENING, ALL AROUND SOUND    FEET ENTER MONGRELS    [many] [laughing evilly] KLAUS    There must be dozens of them! GARTH    Quick!  Circle up!  Face outward.  NATHALIA    No mercy! SOUND    WHIP! GRACE    Amelie, Come on! MUSIC THE WINNER SOUND    MELLOW MUSIC PLAYS, CHAMPAGNE POURS LUIGI    So.  What-a is it that I win? SOUND    MACHINE WHIRS, ENTERING CHNOSSOS [not on speakers] You are the perfect male specimen. LUIGI    I coulda told you that from-a the beginning. CHNOSSOS You are lucky I was only looking for physical specimens. Morally, I fear you are ... flawed. LUIGI    [shrug] You never asked for morals.  You don't-a seem like the type. CHNOSSOS No. I have never been overburdened with morals.  Scientists can’t afford such luxuries. LUIGI    [scoffing] Scientist?  A dried up old-a walnut of a fellow like-a you? CHNOSSOS You should be more polite to your host. LUIGI    I think-a we are past that.  So?  What do I win? CHNOSSOS Have some more champagne and I will tell you everything. MUSIC STILL IN THE MAZE BACK TO OUTER ROOM SOUND    FIGHT HAS ENDED.  HEAVY BREATHING ALL ROUND MONGREL    [groan] KLAUS    [grunt as he stabs the man]  GARTH    That looks like the last one moving.  Everyone okay? GRACE    I think Amelie is hurt.  Her thigh. AMELIE    It's just a scratch. GRACE    Why don't you see if you can get the door open?  I’ll see to this. NATHALIA    I will watch for any other ... enemies. KLAUS    So, [wry, but with humor] my fellow loser, do we go and take our prizes? GARTH    That sounds jake to me!  Let's get that door open! MUSIC INSIDE DOC'S LAIR SOUND    DOOR CRASHES OPEN CHNOSSOS [on speakertube] So, you have managed to escape! KLAUS    Ja.  CHNOSSOS You are too late! GARTH    All we want to do is get the heck out of here, doc!  You try and stop us, and we'll give you what for! NATHALIA    We are not going to find and kill this beast? SOUND    LIMPING UP BEHIND AMELIE    [whimpers, gasps] GRACE    We simply do not have that luxury.  It is more important to get ourselves clear.  [to Amelie] Come along. KLAUS    [to doc] I doubt that there is one of us who would want any prize that came from the likes of you! GARTH    [to doc] Just you stay out of our way!  You hear? CHNOSSOS Go on. Leave.  I have no need for any of you. MUSIC BOAT SOUND    OCEAN SOUND    CREAK OF BOAT SOUND    FEET APPROACH GARTH    All clear.  And there's even some food in the galley. KLAUS    Get the ladies on board. GARTH    Are you thinking what I'm thinking? KLAUS    That leaving this ... villain... to roam at large is somehow dishonorable? GARTH    I just wanted to whup his fanny, but that sounds real reasonable. NATHALIA    [breathless, worried] You're not going back in there? KLAUS    Ja.  And I am coming back out.  [quiet, intense] You are fierce.  That will give me the inspiration to return. NATHALIA    [gasp] GARTH    Hey. GRACE    Yes? GARTH    Is she... is she doing okay? GRACE    [resigned] She'll survive.  Thanks to you.  Now go on.  Make the world safe for all of us. GARTH    Right.  Come on, Klaus. MUSIC AMBIANCE DOC'S LAIR SOUND    DOOR BROKEN IN SOUND    JUICY PLOPPY CUTTING NOISES GARTH and KLAUS     [react as they stumble in] CHNOSSOS No! Stay away!  I am not finished! GARTH    Holy Cow! KLAUS    Mein Gott! CHNOSSOS You will not take away my perfect specimen! GARTH    I don't want it. KLAUS    But you, old man, must be stopped. CHNOSSOS Nooooo- Urk! MUSIC OUTSIDE SOUND    TWO MEN WALK BACK TO THE BOAT SOUND    BEHIND THEM THE PLACE BURN   KLAUS    Mein gott.  That could have been either one of us. GARTH    We can’t tell none of them girls what we saw in there. KLAUS    There is no reason they should need to know. GARTH    Good.  You and me, Klaus old buddy, are the only ones who will ever know what the winner of this damned game was gonna get. KLAUS    ...Skinned and mounted as a trophy. END CREDITS

[Mature themes and violence] A modernization of the story "Hop-Frog" by Edgar Allen Poe, turning it into a 1980s frat house horror movie. A bunch of pranksters find out the joke's on them. Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Frogger - Brian Lomatewama Lydia - Megan Lane Rex - James Turpin Deanna - Chandra Wade Uno - Justin Charles Buzz - Lothar Tuppan Trey - Danar Hoverson Lucky - Cary Ayers June - Kate Waterous Lisa - Melissa Pang Bob - James Sedgwick Fred - Jonathon del Arroz Dora - Melissa Bartell Kathy - Suzanne Dunn Music by Persson (available on Jamendo)  Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Thanks to Glen Hallstrom for sound assistance Cover Design:  Dennis Hager "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a college locker room, in the classic era of frat-house prank films, can't you tell?" ****************************************************************** POE-etic Justice Loosely adapted from the story "Hop-Frog" by Edgar Allen Poe by Julie Hoverson ([email protected]) Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Frogger Lydia Tripp Deanna Dora Bob, Fred, Kathy, June FRATS: Rex Mason, fraternity head, etc. Uno Buzz Trey Lucky OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a college campus in the nostalgic era of screwball hijinks films, can't you tell?  MUSIC LYDIA     (Quotes from the original story) I never knew anyone so keenly alive to a joke as the king was. He seemed to live only for joking. To tell a good story of the joke kind, and to tell it well, was the surest road to his favor. Thus it happened that his seven ministers were all noted for their accomplishments as jokers. AMB     LOCKER ROOM UNO     Man!  Did you see the look on his face! BUZZ     Like he'd never seen it bald before. FRATS      [Hearty laugh] TREY     That was you guys?  Oh, man.  FROGGER     [muttered] It's gonna itch. UNO     [less chummy] What? FROGGER     [laughs unconvincingly] When the hair grows back.  It itches like a sonofabitch. TREY, UNO, BUZZ     [chuckle] UNO     [pretend serious] And Frogger would know! TREY, UNO, BUZZ     [laugh hysterically] REX     Cut him some slack, dudes.  Frogger's our pal.  He's a funny guy. MUSIC LYDIA     About the refinements, or, as he called them, the 'ghost' of wit, the king troubled himself very little. He had an especial admiration for breadth in a jest, and would often put up with length, for the sake of it. MUSIC REX     Are they gonna get here soon? BUZZ     If Studs and Lucky got everything right. REX     Cool, then.  This is gonna be a laugh riot. BUZZ     When the froshes come walking into the rooms, each thinking they're gonna "get a little", oh yeah. REX     Got someone with a tapedeck in each bathroom? BUZZ     Too right!  We had to borrow an extra one from Delta pi, but that's cool.  It was Deanna made the tapes anyway. REX     Frogger, what'd you get her to say? FROGGER     [sigh, then, putting on a matching tone]  I gave her this script.  Should be funny as hell. BUZZ     Here!  "oh, good!  You got my note!  I hope you don't mind that I'm a little... kinky.  [laughing and having a hard time reading]  I want you to undress and [collapses] REX     What? BUZZ     Gimme a minute!  [laughing, deep breath] undress and put on my underwear.  It's right there on the bed.  BUZZ and REX     [hysterical fit] REX     Not laughing, Frogger? FROGGER     Just saving it til I see their faces. REX     [agreeing chuckle]  That'll be boss.  Hey, you're into all that educated stuff.  What's up with this Woody Allen guy?  BUZZ     That's that little Jewish nerd, right? REX     This chick I was with last week says he's all hilarious, but I watched this movie - well, some of it, I was mostly macking on another hottie, and it was all like whining. FROGGER     You want the brainhead answer or the real life one? REX     Hit me with the smart one. FROGGER     Woody Allen specializes in observational humor - looking at the angst and neuroses inherent in modern life and stepping aside and commenting on them.  BUZZ     [elaborate yawn] FROGGER     But mostly it is just whining. REX     [laughs]  I knew it! SOUND     DISTANT DOOR OPENS BUZZ     Shh!  Here they come! MUSIC LYDIA     I believe the name 'Hop-Frog' was not that given to the dwarf by his sponsors at baptism, but it was conferred upon him, by general consent of the several ministers. MUSIC AMB     PARTY REX     Grab me a brewski Frogger. FROGGER     No problemo. DEANNA     Why "Frogger"?  I mean, that's not like his real name, right? REX     Duh.  You just gotta see him cross a street sometime.  Freaking funny. DEANNA     Why do keep a little toad like that around?  Did you like lose a bet? REX     Nah.  Frogger's pretty frosty, for a complete nerd.  He comes up with some truly awesome pranks.  DEANNA     He would have to.  Just looking at him is like visual herpes. REX     Nah, the guys like having him around, cuz next to a mini weenie like that, we all look like kielbassas.  Not that I don't look good anyway. DEANNA     [chuckles seductively] Yeah, takes a whole can of vienna sausage to measure up to one ball park frank. REX     Plumps when you get it hot, babe. FROGGER     Your beer.  And a cocktail for you. DEANNA     [cold] Thanks. REX     Cool.  Hop along now, dude.  My term paper is due tomorrow. DEANNA     See, that's where it's so much harder to be a girl than a guy. REX     Why?  DEANNA     No matter how smart she was, I couldn't keep a dog like that around.  We'd get a rep.   MUSIC LYDIA     I am not able to say, with precision, from what country Hop-Frog originally came. It was from some barbarous region, however, that no person ever heard of - a vast distance from the court of our king. Hop-Frog, and a young girl very little less dwarfish than himself, had been forcibly carried off from their homes. MUSIC AMB     OUTSIDE LYDIA     Hiya, Tim! FROGGER     [warm] Hey Lydia. LYDIA     You, um, doing anything tonight? FROGGER     Me?  No.  Did you need some help with something? LYDIA     Me?  No.  I was thinking there's a showing of L'annee Derniere a Marienbad in Culver Hall tonight.  And after what you said about the surrealists [falters] I thought maybe-- FROGGER     Like a date? LYDIA     [backing off]  Maybe.  [covering] Or as friends.  I mean, you don't have to pay or anything. FROGGER     No, no!  I'd love to.  I'm just surprised you'd still speak to me.  LYDIA     Because you hang out with the jackasses?  Nah.  I understand.  I wouldn't mind getting on someone's good side.  FROGGER     [deep] It's not worth it.  Really. LYDIA     But I'm lucky - I don't do anything that makes me a target.  Back in Fulton County, I hated being invisible.  Here, though?  It's a blessing. FROGGER     Even in Fulton, I didn't have much of a choice.  Gotta run now.  Rex is planning a big party for the long weekend.  LYDIA     He needs help? FROGGER      Mostly he just wants people to give him ideas that he can take credit for later. MUSIC LYDIA     The king was sitting at his wine; but the monarch appeared to be in a very ill humor. He knew that Hop-Frog was not fond of wine, for it excited the poor cripple almost to madness; and madness is no comfortable feeling. But the king loved his practical jokes, and took pleasure in forcing Hop-Frog to drink. MUSIC ALL FRATS     Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! FROGGER     [drinking, gasping] REX     Awesome. FROGGER     [coughing] BUZZ     Weenie. ALL FRATS     [laugh] FROGGER     [barely contained anger]  Keep 'em coming. ALL FRATS     [approval] REX     Take a breather, dude.  Mellow out first.  Besides, before you kiss the sky, we need your brain. FROGGER     [breathing deep, trying not to get sick]  What do you expect it to do? ALL      [laugh] REX     We heard that Epsilon Omega is having a toga party. ALL     Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga! REX     Shh!  We're pissed we didn't think of it first.  UNO     Very pissed. REX     Since we don't want to look like copycatting dildoes, we need to come up with a better party.  TREY     And quick - it has to be Friday. LUCKY     Their party is Saturday. BUZZ     And it has to be awesome. UNO     And chicks have to be nearly naked. REX     Well? FROGGER     Hmm.  Garden of Eden. BUZZ     We don't want any bible crap-- FROGGER     You wanted less clothes than togas. UNO     That’s the dumbest-- REX     Hold on.  Are we talking fig leaves and stuff?  [considering] Hmm... UNO     I ain't gluing nothing to MY Johnson. FROGGER     Paint the bikini? TREY     What? FROGGER     Get a bunch of tempera paint, have everyone arrive in bikinis, lay out a bunch of tarps and paint each other.  REX     You mean paint ON each other, right? FROGGER     Duh.  I would suggest finger painting. REX     [considering] Yeah. FROGGER     And then everyone has to shower off... REX     [up]  Yeah!  That is so boss!  Half naked chicks, AND you get to put your hands all over them.  Frogger, you are the MAN. MUSIC LYDIA     On some grand state occasion-I forgot what-the king determined to have a masquerade.  Hop-Frog, in especial, was so inventive in the way of getting up pageants, suggesting novel characters, and arranging costumes, for masked balls, that nothing could be done, it seems, without his assistance. MUSIC AMB     OUTSIDE LYDIA     Hey Tim! FROGGER     Lydia!  Hey. LYDIA     [amused] Is this your idea? FROGGER      What? SOUND     PAPER FROGGER     "you are cordially invited to a bikini painting party--"  Uh, no.  LYDIA     Hmm.  Well, someone invited me. FROGGER     [up] No!  I mean, don't come.  Those guys are dicks, and-- LYDIA     I wasn't planning to, unless you were asking. FROGGER     Good. LYDIA     I'm not much for drinking - or being around a bunch of drunks. FROGGER     Good! LYDIA     I suppose... I suppose you're kind of stuck there? FROGGER     I have to be there for a while.  Until everyone's drunk enough that I can slip out. LYDIA     Let's meet up later, then.  SOUND     SHE WALKS AWAY LYDIA     [calling back] Maybe I'll even let you paint me. FROGGER     I-- uh-- okay. TREY     Dude.  FROGGER     [gasp of shock] TREY     Nice little number.  I bet you get her out of the glasses and baggy sweater and she's a total fox. FROGGER     [desperately lying]  Nah.  She's got no tits at all.  Just tissue. TREY     Damn.  Chicks are such fakers. FROGGER     [relieved sigh] MUSIC LYDIA     Hereupon the dwarf laughed (the king was too confirmed a joker to object to any one's laughing). Moreover, he avowed his perfect willingness to swallow as much wine as desired. The monarch was pacified. SOUND     PARTY, LOTS OF LAUGHING, DISCO MUSIC REX     Ni-i-ice.  Blondes look good in green. JUNE     [GIGGLES] REX     But are you a natural blonde? JUNE     Only my bikini knows. REX     Maybe it will tell me later... JUNE     [giggles] REX     See ya.  Hey Frogger.  I notice your hands are clean. FROGGER     Just - um- came from the bathroom. REX     Hmm.  Beauty idea about giving each guy a different color and starting a contest to see what girl can get the most colors. FROGGER     Deanna's got quite a rainbow going. REX     Is that a crack? FROGGER     Huh?  No - just admiration. REX     Ah, new guests.  Gotta mingle. LISA     [giggle] Oh, look at you!  Are you someone's little brother? FROGGER     You ever hear the phrase "Say Hello to my leetle friend"? LISA      Yeah? FROGGER     That's me. LISA     [wide-eyed] You said that? FROGGER     [sighs] No that's Scarface.  I'm "the leetle friend". LISA     [giggles] LYDIA     [off, calling]  Oh, there he is! FROGGER     Oh shit.  Excuse me. MUSIC LYDIA     There was a dead silence for about half a minute, during which the falling of a leaf, or of a feather, might have been heard. MUSIC FROGGER     [hurried, whispered] What are you doing here? LYDIA     Didn't you call?  Dora, at the dorm said-- FROGGER     No, I didn't.  You need to get out of here. LYDIA     [puzzled, but laughing]  Why?  It looks kind of fun. FROGGER     [frustrated noise]  No!  They're gonna-- BUZZ     I see someone wearing too much clothes! LYDIA     Huh? LUCKY     Did you bring your bathing suit, foxy lady? FROGGER     She's not here for the party.  It's a mistake. LYDIA     [annoyed] No it's not.  TREY     Is this cuz of what you said about her?     FROGGER     Just drop it.  You gotta go. LYDIA     [sharp] What did you say? FROGGER     Nothing.  C'mon, let's bail. TREY     He said you got no boobs under there. LYDIA     What?  What is wrong with you?  God, Tim, I thought you were my friend. FROGGER     Lydia!  Don't!  I can explain-- TREY     Want to prove him wrong? BUZZ     Of course, if you don't have a suit‑‑ SOUND     RUSTLING LYDIA     Actually, I only have a one-piece. FROGGER     Don't! LYDIA     Chill out. SOUND     RUSTLING AS SHE TAKES OFF HER TOP ALL FRATS     [approving noises] TREY     [walking away] Why don't I start - I am curious.  And I'm yellow. FROGGER     [weak] No... REX     C'mon dude.  Bottoms up. SOUND     RATTLE OF ICE IN GLASS MUSIC LYDIA     Poor fellow! his large eyes gleamed, rather than shone; for the effect of wine on his excitable brain was not more powerful than instantaneous. He placed the goblet nervously on the table, and looked round upon the company with a half-insane stare. They all seemed highly amused at the success of the king's 'joke.' MUSIC SOUND     PAINT SLOSH LYDIA     [laughing uncomfortably] That's cold! TREY     I could warm you up a bit.  Maybe a hot shower.  I'll scrub your back. LYDIA     [uncomfortable] I didn't say stop. TREY     I haven't seen you at one of these before.  What are you, a hermit? LYDIA     Just busy studying. TREY     [suggestive] Do you study... anatomy? LYDIA     I'm an english major. TREY     This--[he's painting on her] is the bicep... LYDIA     Yeah, I know.  TREY     And this-- is the [drawn out] pec-to-ral... LYDIA     [gasp of shock]  I think I'm - out of my depth.  I should go. TREY     Nonsense.  There's seven more colors to go.  Everybody wants to get his hands on you. LYDIA     No. No, look, this was a bad idea. TREY     This-- is the gluteus maximus. LYDIA     Stop! SOUND     SLAPPING NOISE TREY     Oh come on.  You don't want to leave this masterpiece unfinished, do you? LYDIA     Let go of me! REX     [overplayed] OK, what's going on? TREY     Models.  They're so high strung. REX     You should have a drink.  Frogger did. LYDIA     I just want to go. REX     [raising his voice]  Hear that everyone?  She just wants to go. ALL     [everyone laughing] DEANNA     Who does she think she is? ALL     [more laughing, mostly guys] SOUND     POUNDING ON A DOOR FROGGER     [in closet]  Stop!  No! REX     You know, these picnic bottles were a really good idea. SOUND     SQUIRTS PAINT LYDIA     [surprised shriek] ALL     [laugh]       LYDIA     [crying] Stop! REX     Well, being the king, I had her first.  Who's next? BUZZ     I got red, how bout I KETCHUP! [squirting] ALL     [laughing] FROGGER     [in closet]  Nooooo! MUSIC LYDIA     The tyrant seemed quite at a loss what to do or say - how most becomingly to express his indignation. At last, he pushed the girl violently from him, and threw the contents of the brimming goblet in her face. MUSIC SOUND     BREATHING IN A CLOSED SPACE.  OCCASIONAL THUMPS AS FROGGER BEATS HIS HEAD AGAINST THE WALL; the party has run down SOUND     DOOR OPENS REX     Damn.  Almost forgot about you.  C'mon out.  Everyone's all gone home. SOUND     FROGGER SCRAMBLES TO HIS FEET, THUMP AS HE SLAMS REX AGAINST THE WALL REX     Unh! FROGGER     You bastard!  You sonofabitch! REX     C'mon dude.  It was just a joke.  No big deal. SOUND     DRINKS FROM A BOTTLE REX     Here.  mellow out. SOUND     OFFERS THE BOTTLE FROGGER     No big deal?  You- you--! REX     Have a drink and get frosty, dude.  Or I might forget I have a big paper coming up and that you need fingers if you're gonna write it for me. SOUND     FROGGER SNATCHES THE BOTTLE, DRINKS DEEP REX     There you go.  That's a pal. SOUND     FROGGER THROWS THE BOTTLE ACROSS THE ROOM, BOTTLE SMASHES REX     [laughs heartily]  Yeah!  You cool? FROGGER     [grim, teeth gritted] I'm completely frozen. MUSIC LYDIA     Hop-Frog endeavored, as usual, to get up a jest in reply to these advances from the king; but the effort was too much. MUSIC SOUND     SHOWER RUNNING SOUND     PHONE RINGS, DISTANT, IS PICKED UP DORA     Yello?  [up]  Lydia! LYDIA     [yelling, still upset] I'm in the shower! SOUND     A MOMENT, THEN POUNDING ON THE DOOR DORA     It's that guy you like.  He wants to talk. LYDIA     Tell him to sit on it! MUSIC LYDIA     "The beauty of the game," continued Hop-Frog, "lies in the fright it occasions among the women." MUSIC TREY     Man, he went total meltdown. BUZZ     His eyes were all bugging out. UNO     Gets all squeaky, like a little bitty piggie. REX     Shh,  Here he comes.  [up]  Frogger, my man.  Have a brewski - we need you at the top of your game tonight. FROGGER     Whatever.  [drinks] REX     Jeez, check out Mr. Dickweed.  He needs to mellow out.  Bring on Mr. Cuervo.  SOUND     LIQUID POUR FROGGER      Just tell me what you need. REX     Nuh-uh.  Not until you got a good buzz.  [serious]  Drink. FROGGER     [sighs] MUSIC LYDIA     "What do you mean by that? Ah, I perceive. You are Sulky, and want more wine. Here, drink this!" and the king poured out another goblet full and offered it to the cripple, who merely gazed at it, gasping for breath. MUSIC REX     I don't know how we didn’t hear about it sooner, but Epsilon Omega is doing this medival banquet thing - and it's tonight!  It's sposed to be totally off the hook, with jousting and shit. FROGGER     [muttered] Jousting's on horseback. UNO     We gotta DO something!  BUZZ     We gotta get in there and mess with them! LUCKY     Epsilon Omega are such douches, we gotta show em up! REX     But see, they won't let anyone in that ain't in a costume.  YOU need to get us in there. FROGGER     You can't just rent some stuff? UNO     All the shops are sold out! TREY     We're like the only ones on the entire campus that didn't get an invite! LUCKY     The pussies! REX     And we gotta show them up at their own damn game!  So it's got be really really medival.  Come on! UNO     And frogger, man, you're the king of this crap - the bikini painting party was completely the bomb! FROGGER     [grim]  That.  Right.  Pour me another one. MUSIC LYDIA     The monarch was pacified; and having drained another bumper with no very perceptible ill effect, Hop-Frog entered at once, and with spirit, into the plans for the masquerade. MUSIC FROGGER     There is this thing-- BUZZ     Yeah? FROGGER     Something really authentic and medival-- LUCKY     Dude!  Just spit it out! FROGGER     I'm assuming you don't want to be lepers-- TREY     Like the cat?  I'd rather be a tiger. FROGGER     No!  Leper.  Like all grody zombie-looking people. REX     We could do that. FROGGER     But this will be better. REX     Yeah? TREY     Dude, zombies are medival? FROGGER     [sigh]  No.  No zombies.  And it has to be a costume we can put together really fast. REX     Duh.  Party's tonight. FROGGER     Back in the olden days, they had all sorts of weird party stuff they did.  And one of them was something called the eight chained orangutangs.  BUZZ     Orangutangs?  Man they rock!  [makes farting sound]  That's like Clyde in Every which way but loose, eh?  ALL     [start making monkey noises] FROGGER     It does take eight guys, though... REX     No problemo.  There's five of us here, plus Ricky, Finn, and uh - Marco. FROGGER     [dark] Exactly the ones I'd'a suggested. MUSIC LYDIA     "The chains are for the purpose of increasing the confusion by their jangling. You are supposed to have escaped, en masse, from your keepers. Your majesty cannot conceive the effect produced, at a masquerade, by eight chained ourang-outangs!" MUSIC ALL     [making monkey noises] FROGGER     BUT we have to get you dressed up!  Come on! REX     [commanding] Shut up!  Listen to Frogger.  Save the monkey shit for later. LUCKY     Yeah, man - monkeys throw their shit.  We should have something to throw! BUZZ     I'm calling the costume shop. FROGGER     You can't. BUZZ     Who says? FROGGER     You want to be all historical, right? REX     Duh. FROGGER     OK, well they didn’t have snazzy costumes way back when. TREY     What did they do? FROGGER     Covered themselves in tar, then rolled in flax. BUZZ     What the hell is flax? FROGGER     Fibers.  Looks like hair. LUCKY     Tar is gross.  It never comes off. FROGGER     You do it OVER clothes.  Like a track suit. TREY     You expect us to get all tarred up and roll around in hair?  You're a complete-- REX     Genius.  We break into the party like this, and those dicks at Epsilon Omega will never be able to live it down. MUSIC LYDIA     The king and his ministers were first encased in tight-fitting stockinet shirts and drawers. They were then saturated with tar. A long chain was now procured. First, it was passed about the waist of the king, and tied, then about another of the party, and also tied; then about all successively, in the same manner, making a circle. MUSIC SOUND     CLANKING, SHUFFLING FEET ALL FRAT     [muffled giggling] SOUND     PASSING A BOTTLE REX     Shh.  Watch out for the post, dumbass!  TREY     There's a buttload of posts in an old warehouse. UNO     Man, it's kind of cold. FROGGER     [dark] Don't worry - you'll be warm later. SOUND     MORE CLANKING FROGGER     I checked out the layout earlier.  They've got a horseshoe of tables surrounding the middle of the room, with knights and wenches and all seated on the outside.  You should go round the outside of the room first, making trouble- TREY     Grabbing chicks - "not my fault!  Orangutans like boobies!" BUZZ     Beep-beep. FROGGER     [exasperated] Yeah.  [up]  But then get to the center of the room, and I'll come in and get the crowd going. REX     Dude, you are truly the man. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, CLANKING STARTS LOUD ALL FRATS     [monkey noises] SOUND     [distant screams] MUSIC LYDIA     The eight ourang-outangs, taking Hop-Frog's advice, waited patiently until midnight before making their appearance. No sooner had the clock ceased striking, however, than they rushed, or rather rolled in, all together-for the impediments of their chains caused most of the party to fall, and all to stumble as they entered. MUSIC SOUND     WALKIE TALKIE NOISE FROGGER     [hushed] Ok, they're in.  Wait for my signal. SOUND     CRACKLE OF STATIC LYDIA     [almost unrecognizable, on air] Gotcha. FROGGER     We've got about five minutes... MUSIC LYDIA     The excitement among the masqueraders was prodigious, and filled the heart of the king with glee. As had been anticipated, there were not a few of the guests who supposed the ferocious-looking creatures to be beasts of some kind in reality, if not precisely ourang-outangs. MUSIC SOUND     [screams, laughing, monkey noises - behind doors] SOUND     DOOR CRASHES OPEN FROGGER     [squeaky british "jester" voice] Good folk! SOUND     [some quieting, ape noises still going on] SOUND     MICROPHONE SQUELCH FROGGER     Good people! SOUND     [quiet] FROGGER     Good people!  I spy beasts in our midst! FRATS     [ape noises] CROWD     [ripple of laughter] FROGGER     they must have escaped from a keeper! REX     Dude, is that my mister microphone? FROGGER     [not on mike] Shh. [on mike, playing it big] It speaks!  Perhaps it is merely a man in a fabulous costume? FRATS     [hooting monkey noises] SOUND     CROWD APPLAUDS FROGGER     Leave them to me!  I fancy I know them.  If I can only get a good look, I can soon tell who they are! SOUND     CHAIN RATTLES FROGGER     Look at these muscles.  If not a beast, then a beast of a man, don't you think? FRATS     [very butch monkey noises] FROGGER     Perhaps there is someone here who can help me identify them.  You, Milady? NOTE     [frogger is using the mike on the people he's talking with, but the frats are just yelling] SOUND     SLOW MACHINE NOISE SNEAKS IN THROUGHOUT, A BIT OF CHAINS, TOO DORA     Me? FROGGER     I think you know that big one in front.  Do you not? LUCKY     [chuckling] Oh, yeah, she knows me.  If you know what I mean. DORA     [furious] He got me drunk and took topless pictures of me, that he posted all over the dorm! LUCKY     What’s a dog like her doing at an Epsilon party? DORA     You ... you bastard! FROGGER     That's a big clue, but I still don't quite recognize them.  Maybe you, sir? BOB     [stuttring]  They - all of them - cornered me in the locker room and pelted me with jockstraps! BUZZ     Dude, it was a joke! BOB     Every day?  For a semester!  It wasn't funny! TREY     It was to us. FROGGER     And you, fair maiden? KATHY     [crying]  They tied me up and covered me in dip at one of their parties. UNO     What's so bad about that? KATHY     I got a rash!  And a yeast infection! REX     Okay, we're out of here.  This ain't funny any more. SOUND     CHAINS RATTLE, A COUPLE OF STEPS FRATS     [reaction noises - ugh, hey, whoa! - as they trip, get pulled up short] UNO     What the crap? REX     The chains're caught on something.  Frogger!  Help us out here. FROGGER     [annoucning] How blind they are, eh, gentle folks? SOUND     APPLAUSE MUSIC LYDIA     With the rapidity of thought, he had inserted the hook from which the chandelier had been wont to depend; and, in an instant, by some unseen agency, the chandelier-chain was drawn so far upward as to take the hook out of reach, and, as an inevitable consequence, to drag the ourang-outangs together in close connection. MUSIC SOUND     MORE CHAINS, STRUGGLES BUZZ     We're stuck! REX     The chains got caught on that hook thing!  Can you reach it? TREY     Give me a boost! SOUND     MACHINE NOISE, HOOK RAISING REX     What the crap? UNO     We're chained at the waist, dumbass, how far you think you're gonna get climbing? FROGGER     Little do they know that this party was thrown in their [sour] honor.  Is it not ironic that they were so caught up in their own amusement they didn't recognize a single one of the people they've wronged? REX     You are so dead, you little shitball.  The minute we get out of here, your life will go to hell. FROGGER     My life has been hell, you evil douchbags!  You think I liked being your little funny guy - your jester?  You think I helped you because I thought it was fun?  Every joke I helped with was like ground glass in my soul, and I still feel like I should be hanging up there with you.  [to crowd]  One more notch, and they'll be on tiptoe.  What do you think? CROWD     [roars approval] FROGGER     It's not as funny when you're the butt of the joke, is it? UNO     Dude, just cut it out.  We've learned our lesson, and shit. man. FROGGER     Lets see what the crowd thinks!  CROWD     [booo] FROGGER     Sorry.  Can’t let it go just yet.  How about you, milord?  What's your beef? SOUND     HAND OVER THE MIKE NOISE FRED     [not on mike] They're gonna bury us. FROGGER     [not on mike] Not a problem.  C'mon.  Think of it as group therapy. SOUND     MIKE UNCOVERED FRED     [quick, ashamed] They duct taped my - my butt. FROGGER     [sincere] I'm very sorry. SOUND     CROWD SUBDUED APPLAUSE SOUND     ANOTHER CRANK OF CHAIN FRATS     [whoa!  They've been pulled off the ground] MUSIC LYDIA     The jester suddenly uttered a shrill whistle; and the chain flew violently up - dragging with it the dismayed and struggling ourang-outangs, and leaving them suspended in mid-air. MUSIC FROGGER     Ah, ha! I begin to see who these "people" are now!  But it's so dark in here.  Give me a tiki torch, someone. DORA     Here. FRED     Watch out - they'll kick you! FROGGER     They could.  But then they'll start swinging.  It's not fun, hung up by your waist, is it? UNO     You little shit! TREY     Your ass is grass, man. SOUND     STRUGGLING, CHAIN CREAKING, SWINGING FROGGER     [to the crowd]  How many of us have been hung like this - by you, or those like you? CROWD     [agrees] FROGGER     [over elaborate]  Watch out!  Don't swing too close to the fire! SOUND     FIRE CATCHES WITH A WHOOMPH FRATS     [screaming] CROWD     [screams] FROGGER     Whoops! MUSIC LYDIA     "I now see distinctly." he said, "what manner of people these maskers are. They are a great king and his seven privy-councillors, - a king who does not scruple to strike a defenceless girl and his seven councillors who abet him in the outrage. As for myself, I am simply Hop-Frog, the jester-and this is my last jest." MUSIC AMB     OUTSIDE, NIGHT SOUND     DISTANT FIRE TRUCKS LYDIA     I can't even feel sorry for them. FROGGER     Nope. LYDIA     It helps, to know I'm not alone. FROGGER     You should never feel alone.  I'm here. LYDIA     I mean, that they hurt lots of people. FROGGER     [self-loathing] And I helped.  Too many times.  LYDIA     They would have done it anyway. FROGGER     I can't forgive myself. LYDIA     Could I? FROGGER     Could you what? LYDIA     Could I forgive you? FROGGER     [a bit teary] That would be a good start. MUSIC LYDIA     It is supposed that Trippetta, stationed on the roof, had been the accomplice of her friend in his fiery revenge, and that, together, they effected their escape. MUSIC THE END ...

Another cautionary future tale.  Science - even the most basic - is forbidden.

The first movie crew to film with real aliens?  The realism!  The tension!

While recovering from his injuries, Lemuel Roberts (The Deadeye Kid) must try and make peace between two local factions - a group of Swedish loggers (please overlook our sincere attempt at translation) and a team of Yorkshire miners - neither of which speaks any English that Lem can understand... Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson Doc - Russell Gold Mrs. Doc - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Ezra - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Beamish - Judith Moore The Yorkshire Miners: Scabby Bill:  John Lingard Will Watt Stevie K. Farnaby Danar Hoverson Paul Green The Swedish Loggers: Oly - Lothar Tuppan Nels - Danar Hoverson Mark Olson Cary Ayers Bill Jones Reynaud Leboeuf Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. **********************************************************************   Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 5 FANSHAW    Lem!  Everyone's gathering!  It looks a bit of a party. LEM    What's them Swedes a-doin? FANSHAW    They're standing by.  Like a menacing wall of blonde. LEM    [laugh, then coughs] FANSHAW    Are you quite sure you're up for this?  The doctor said you'd worn yourself nearly into a relapse. LEM    Why you think I'm a-lyin here, stead-a being out there? MRS. DOC    [behind door] You all right in there?  May I come in? LEM    [up] Yes ma'am.  SOUND    DOOR OPENS, SHE ENTERS LEM    Jest tryin t'sort out some words as might work with these fellers. MRS. DOC    That sounds wise.  You've already done wonders.  But I have a favor--? LEM    Anythin' ma'am. MRS. DOC    [hesitant] If you can, can you perhaps get them to-- uh-- LEM    Go on? MRS. DOC    To fix my window, there?  They are the ones that broke it. LEM    I already planned on jest that, ma'am.  Donchoo worry. MRS. DOC    Mr. Roberts, you are a veritable angel. LEM    Oh, no ma'am.  Just a man of plain talkin. [laughs, then coughs a bit] MRS. DOC    Get you round a bit more of this and rest you til you're good and ready to come on out.  They can just hold their hosses. FANSHAW    I'll go and see how far the "royal progress" has come.     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE FANSHAW    [sigh] Still out of sight.  Come along Ezra, let us see if we can catch a glimpse of this mysterious lady. EZRA    Are they gonna fight? FANSHAW    [definite] No.  My friend Lem has maneuvered them into peace talks.  EZRA    It would be fun to watch them fight, but ain't very angelic, is it? FANSHAW    No.  Wouldn't want anyone to get hurt, now, would we?  EZRA    Is that the lady, in the cart?  With the big hat and veil? FANSHAW    I would assume so.  A bit of an affectation for the wilds, but everyone has their little vanities. EZRA    Why'ud a lady wear a veil?  Is she really ugly? FANSHAW    I don't know about this particular lady, but many ladies wear them to protect their delicate skin from the harsh sun. EZRA    Ain't much sun under all these trees. FANSHAW    And some ladies, well, they wear a veil to put men at a disadvantage.  No one is entirely comfortable talking to someone they cannot rightly see.  [pause]  I need to let Lem know what all is going on.  I'll be back shortly. SOUND    SHOUTS FANSHAW    What? EZRA    Thought you said they wasn't a-gonna fight! FANSHAW    They weren't supposed to!  Blast!  That looks like more of the Swedes, taking the cart! MRS. BEAMISH    [screams]  Tyke yer bleedin' 'ands off me, ye dodgy swine! FANSHAW    Not much of a lady.  And nothing much we can do here. EZRA    Oh, lookee!  That feller got punched right off the cart! SOUND    GRUNTS FANSHAW    I need to go and tell Lem.  Would you stay with them and see where they go? EZRA    [eager] That would help ya? FANSHAW    It would be very helpful. EZRA    I'm your man.  [distracted] Oh goodness!  That fellow slammed into the tree!  That's gotta smart something fierce!     FADE LEM    They here yet? DOC    No.  It's not so far from the camp that they shouldn't be in sight yet. FANSHAW    Lem!  Ambush! LEM    [quiet] Aw hell. DOC    What? LEM    [sigh, considering best way to say]  I think I ...heard something. DOC    [more joking than suspicious] You must have the plumb smartest ears I ever did encounter, Mr. Roberts.  The way you keep hearing things. LEM    [covering] Uh... Gotta be, livin' raw on the range.  Ya don't hear sumpin a-comin up on you, well, you deserve whatever ya get. DOC    I reckon so. LEM    And with the window broken, sound can get in more. DOC    What is it you heard? LEM    Fighting.  Or leastways a yell.  Sumpin that spoke "fight" to ma mind. DOC    You think there's still trouble? LEM    I'll lay odds that lady ain't gonna make it here any time soon. DOC    Dag nabbit. SOUND    STORMS OUT OF ROOM FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE SOUND    SOMEONE RUNS UP OLY    Vad är det? [What is it?] KJELL    [out of breath] Vi tog henne! [We took her!] OLY    [incredulous and angry] Du gjorde vad? [You did WHAT?] KJELL    [uncertain] Vi ... tog kvinnan tillbaka.  [We ... took the woman back.] SVEN    Bra! Nu har vi vad vi betalat för!  [Good!  Now we have what we paid for!] OLY    Du idioter! Nu blir det krig! [You idiot!  Now there will be war!]     FADE FITCH    What wasp flee up thon jacksey? [what got into them?] SCABBY BILL    'Appen t'were skrike I heered? Lads-- [That might have been a shout.  The lads--] PIKEY    Clack on't devil!  Eyup Jimmy!   [speak of the devil.]  SOUND    RUNNING FEET JAMES    [gasping and in some pain]  Eyup!  Them brutes come out't snicket, 'ave cart upskelled and auld lass gone, bahn for none can ken, afore aught'n us could raise 'and. [those fellows come out of the bushes and attacked!  Tipped the cart and took the woman before we could react!] FINCH    Good night!  Could smell t beer, sae close to settlin' t' slate, and such 'appens. [Damn!  Just when this was going to settle peacefully, this happens.] JAMES    Canna settle now!  Yon 'eads want thumpin'!  Paid in full.  [too late to make peace! I want to beat some heads!  They deserve it!] FINCH    Dustup does nae good for aught-- [a fight won't do anyone any good] PIKEY    [playing devil's advocate] Nae, lad.  Tha path's neither nowt nor summat.  Time fer muckin out.  Nae room fer them as tek such libertines - to clamber out t' shrubbery and ketch up what's nowt fer them.  [no, lad.  Your way is doing no good.  Time to clean this up.  There's no place for those who would lay in ambush.] SCABBY BILL    Tha's the pot!  Us'm tek'er first!  [You're one to talk!  We took her first] PIKEY    [making his point]  S'truth, do we chance to scutch, mayhap yan or two might fall - and then us left must delve t' more. [Of course, if we fight, if we strike a blow, some of us may die - which leaves the rest of us to work even harder at digging.] MINERS    [mutters]  "s'truth."  "Ba gum."  "It gets right up ma cuff."  "'Arsh, that."  "Toes up o'er grub?  Nae!" JAMES    Us'll clean them clocks!  [we won't lose!] PIKEY    Ne'er seen clock tha could clean. DOC    [loud, trying to get all attention] CALM DOWN! ALL GO QUIET DOC    Bother.  That's about all I got.     FADE LEM    This's how wars get lit. FANSHAW    Who is this woman anyway?  Helen of Troy? LEM    Was she on the stage or sumpin? FANSHAW    [chuckles] no, she was a king's wife who was abducted by another king and a great and glorious war was begun. LEM    Ain't no war great and glorious.  Not till everyone as been there's long dead. FANSHAW    Oh. LEM    How'd they end that war? FANSHAW    [a bit embarrassed] They made a giant wooden horse. LEM    [laughs] I think mebbe you gotta tell me this story later, when we ain't about to have all hell cut loose on us.  [groans, getting up] SOUND    RUSTLING OF CLOTHES, ETC. FANSHAW    Don't--! LEM    Ain't no choice here.  Both them top fellers seem to lissen t'me.  Much as doc's a good man, he don't have the touch. SOUND    DOOR OPENS FANSHAW    Speak of the devil! DOC    Here now!  What are you doing, Mister roberts? LEM    I'm planning on facing them in full gear fer once.  DOC    You are not facing them at all... you know what's happening? LEM    I gotta right good guess.  Since the miners were a-bringing her here, I spect twas the loggers jumped em and done took her.  DOC    I think so. LEM    Hitch up the cart.  We're gonna mosey to the logging camp.     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE LARS    [commanding] Du! Kock! [You!  "cook"] MRS. BEAMISH    [snide] Ain't never understood one bloomin word out ye mouf, but vat sounds rigth filthy ye cheesehead! LARS    Du kom hit för att laga mat för oss. Du är skyldig en skuld.  [you came here to cook for us.  You owe a debt.]  MRS. BEAMISH    Gah-on.  Say somfing in normal talk.  Ah dare ya. LARS    [to Kjell] Tror du att hon förstår? [Do you think she understands?] ARN    Hon låter lite arg. [She sounds a little angry.] FREDEK    Jag tror att hon låter galen. [I think she sounds insane.] NELS    Sure, it is like standing to the knees in a mire. EZRA    Why's that, Mr. Nels? NELS    You!  Can you do something? EZRA    What should I do? NELS    Get that woman over here.  The one that was calling out. EZRA    Who?  Oh!  [laughs] That's no woman!  That's Mr. Fanshaw. NELS    Well, he sounds like one to me.  Is there anything he can do?     FADE DOC    Brought the wagon round.  Come on then, lemme give you a hand. LEM    You kin carry my kit, if you would. DOC    You need support-- LEM    [definite] No.  Gettin me to the door, that's right fine, but outside, I gotta put the fear o' god in them, best I can.  And being carried round like a cripple sorta puts a bonnet on that. DOC    I'll be right behind you, then.  Just in case. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS MRS. DOC    [slightly defiant] I, on the other hand, could use all the support you care to give. DOC    Irene? MRS. DOC     Not from you, dear.  Mr. Roberts, if you might give me your arm, sir? DOC    Irene! MRS. DOC    I've already got my hat on, husband.  We might as well get moving. DOC    What exactly do you think you are doing, woman? MRS. DOC    [super sweet] Why, I'm accompanying my beloved husband and his patient on a little wagon ride. LEM    [tries not to laugh] DOC    I forbid it! MRS. DOC    [sweetly]  Oh, of course, dear!  If you prefer, I can wait here at home, the home these silly men have already broken into - from both sides, I might add.  Wait until someone decides that the easiest way to get this to end is perhaps to take me hostage, or threaten-- DOC    [losing steam] Oh hush!!  LEM    The lady has a point, doc.  Seein as I still think we gotta a fair chance of stoppin this without none getting hurt, it'ud likely be safer, ma'am, if you were to stay by us. MRS. DOC    Good.  Now take my arm, Mr. Roberts, for goodness sake!  You're swaying like a sapling.     FADE EZRA    Mr. Fanshaw!  [laughs]  Nels says you sound like a lady. FANSHAW    It is just my accent.  The way I talk.  EZRA    You do talk funny. FANSHAW    Can you go and ask Nels if his men understand a white flag of truce? EZRA    What is that? FANSHAW    When men - or even armies - want to talk rather than fight, they will come bearing a white flag. EZRA    Where do they get a white flag? FANSHAW    They just make one.  Please.  It is important that we know.     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE SOUND    SCUFFLE MINERS    [Arguing]  "More brass'n brains"  "near as makes n'matter" " that's a threp in't steans"  "caffelin' t' 'oil works, am I." SWEDES    [arguing] SOUND    FOOTSTEPS LEM    [sigh]  Shut up! SOUND    STILL FIGHTING LEM     Pardon me ma'am.  Step aside if you please. SOUND    HER STEPS SOUND    GUNSHOT ALL    [go quiet] SOUND    SOMETHING DROPS     Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 6 1_MOVING OUT LEM    You miners.  You... uh... manskers.  Um.  [slowly, with gestures]  We go in cart to your-- OLY    Mig? LEM    Yes, your camp.  You lead us.  SCABBY BILL    [slightly out of breath] Right.  Nowt wait aught mair.  Us'm goin - wi'thee, or nowt. LEM    We's all a-goin.  [to Mrs. Doc] You get on up in the wagon now, ma'am. MRS. DOC    [a bit shaky]  All right.  DOC    [quiet]  Doesn't look like anyone is hurt too bad. LEM    They's all still on their feet. OLY    [slowly, trying to be understood]  detta var inte min idé.  Inte jag.  Jag kommer att tala strängt till dem. [this was not my idea.  Not me.  I will speak sternly to them.] LEM    You lead.  [turns to Scabby Bill]  You follow.  Reckon? SCABBY BILL    Reckon.  FADE 2_GRADY1 SOUND    SOMEONE RUNNING IN PANIC GRADY    [gasping muttered mantra]  Don't slow down, don't slow down.  A log!  Oh sweet Jesus! SOUND    THUMP, SCRAMBLE, SLOW MOVEMENT SOUND    BEHIND HIM, MEN MAN1    Keep heading downhill! MAN2    Brush too thick over there!  This way! GRADY    [barely there prayer] Pity me!  [couple of deep breaths] [sound of exertion] SOUND    RUNNING AGAIN FADE 3_AGREEING SOUND    CART PLODDING DOC    [quietly] That was a foolhardy thing you done back there, Irene.  MRS. DOC    I cannot disagree. DOC    You should never've - what? MRS. DOC     [sweet] I was merely agreeing with you, husband. LEM    [quiet chuckle] DOC    [trying to stay annoyed] But-but you-- [loses it, laughs]  My mother always said you would be a handful. MRS. DOC    I believe mine said something very similar. DOC    About me? MRS. DOC    [laughing] No, about me. LEM    If I was a man to interfere, I might say you're a lucky feller. DOC    I cannot disagree. LEM    Lucky the lady is on your side, if you don't mind me saying so, ma'am. ALL    [laugh]     FADE 4_LOGGING CAMP FREDEK    Många män kommer! [Many men are coming!] LARS    Vi kommer inte ge upp! [We will not surrender!] FREDEK    Detta är inte något att dö för! [This is not something to die for!] ARN    Jag skulle hellre dö än att äta en annan måltid tillagad av dig. [I would rather die than eat another meal cooked by you.] LARS    Jag ser Oly. [I see Oly.] ARN    Han ser arg. [He looks angry.] FREDEK    De måste ha vapen. [They must have guns.] NELS    Nothing worse than to have to sit and listen to them babble. OLY    [off, yelling] Alla ni! Stå vid sidan! [All of you!  Stand aside!] NELS    And cannot do anything when Oly tells them to calm down. LARS    [yelling] Är de hotar dig? [Are they threatening you?] OLY    [off, yelling, pissed off] Du är en idiot! Vi var överens. Då har du stört! Du står åt sidan! [You are an idiot!  We were in accord.  Then you interfered!  You stand aside!] FADE 5_CHUCKIE JAMES    Tha gormless bastard!  Guns or nowt, us could take 'em! [Idiot.  Even with the guns, we could win.] PIKEY    And 'oo ist 'aveta send tha mam word o thy beefing.  Appen I should say 'er son died of 'is own barm, or sweeten tha death wi' claims thee lost fight to a chuckie. [And I will have to write to your mother.  What would you like me to tell her, that you died of being stupid, or that you lost a fight to a chicken?] TED    [sigh]  And us start sommat, it'll nae stop 'ere.  [If we do start something, the fighting will not end here.] FITCH    I dinna feel fer the fight.  Yon stormcloud, 'im seems a fair measure.  [I don’t feel like fighting.  That fellow - he seems fair.] PIKEY    Cud gang fer a slurp missen.  [This would be a good time for a drink.] FADE 6_GRADY2 SOUND    RUNNING MAN1 and MAN2    [closer than before] [yelling "Just over that ridge!"  "Get him!" "Yeller bastard!"] GRADY    [gasping and ragged]  Good god above, [gasp] please, [gasp] send me into a river.  Anything.  [gasp] Just to get me [gasp] get me away... FADE 7_CART SOUND    HORSES.  CART NOT MOVING. DOC    [whispered]  Irene, I prefer strongly that you remain in the cart.  MRS. DOC    As always, I defer to your wisdom, dear husband. DOC    [rueful laugh] Hah.  Good. SOUND    HE CLIMBS DOWN MRS. DOC    I'll also keep a close eye on the shotgun. DOC    The what? LEM    I'll leave my satchel here as well, if you please, ma'am. MRS. DOC    Happy to be useful.  [like speaking to kids] You two go on now and make peace. FADE 8_OLY KOMMER FREDEK    Oly! De kommer! [Oly!  They are coming!] OLY    Var inte dum. De är redan här. [Do not be stupid.  They are already here.] FREDEK    Fler män! Bakom åsen! [More men!  Behind the ridge!] NELS    Sure I do not think those fellows are of these men.  EZRA    More fighting? FANSHAW    And this must be Nels. NELS    And you must be from England. FANSHAW    Why, yes.  Though I do not sound much like my "countrymen" down there. NELS    Nay.  You sound like most Britishers. FANSHAW    I suppose I do. NELS    Just like a woman. FANSHAW    I do not! EZRA    You do a bit. FANSHAW    [grinding out, trying to change the subject] You said something about more men? NELS    Sure, over the ridge.  Quite a ways off.  I can barely get close enough to see, but they are traveling fast, for men on foot. FANSHAW    We'll have to keep an eye out for them, though I am quite certain that all the men I've seen - on either side - are here. EZRA    Mister Fanshaw? NELS    All of my men are here.  Even those with a head full of porridge. FANSHAW    That's a blessing anyway. EZRA    Mister Fanshaw! FANSHAW    I am so sorry, Ezra.  I was lost in thought.  EZRA    You want I should go and look at the men a-coming? FANSHAW    They sound like they're rather far off. EZRA    I can go real far off. FANSHAW    [interested] Really.  Very well.  You'll go and see how many there are? EZRA    I'll find out everything for ya. FANSHAW    I wonder just how far "real far" is. FADE 9_teh dam SOUND    CROWD RUMBLE, BUT NO TALKING SOUND    LEM'S SLOW FOOTSTEPS LEM    Um, [to Oly] Dam? OLY    Ta kvinnan här! [Bring the woman out here!] LARS    [grumbling] Vi var bara försökte hjälpa [We were only trying to help] OLY    Go! [Go!] NELS    If they wanted to help so bad, sure, why did they never make the time for to learn some words? FANSHAW    Always much easier to see mistakes when it is too late. NELS    Ya. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, LARS AND MRS. BEAMISH COME OUT FANSHAW    This?  This is the woman all the trouble has been over?  She's ...hardly what I expected. LEM    Ma'am.  They's been quite a ruckus over you. BEAMISH    Oh, Luvly.  Anuvver what don't speak the Queen's English. LEM    I guess I speak American, then.  But I hazard you understand me fine. BEAMISH    [begrudging] I kin mike yer out. LEM    That's good.  Now these fellers, they have some claim to you? NELS    Sure, she owes us five years service. BEAMISH    [grudgingly admitting] Aye... They do. LEM    Five years.  Legal. BEAMISH    [annoyed sigh] Aye. DOC    [whispered] How'd you get that? LEM    [whispered] Guessed.  Standard indenture. DOC    Ah! BEAMISH    [whining a bit] But I can't unnerstand a bleeding word outtav'em! FANSHAW    I say, Nels, you paid for that?  Under all that veiling, she sounds rather... old. NELS    What do you expect in a cook?  Sure we don't have to look at her while we eat. FANSHAW    A cook!  Good gad! LEM    But you had no trouble doing the work they put you to? BEAMISH    Good plain cooking.  Even such as they musta liked it, for I dessay they never let a plate go cold. DOC    Cooking?  They're willing to fight over a cook? LEM    I reckon with a wife like your good missus, you've never had to eat day-old burnt scratch.  DOC    Well... MRS. DOC    [calling from off, excited] Husband? LEM    Go on. DOC    [walking off] Yes, dear? FADE 10_grady hides SOUND    MEN SLOWLY SEARCHING SOUND    BREATHING, IN A TIGHT SPACE GRADY    [trying to quiet his breathing] EZRA    That's a lot of men to send out fer one fella.  You must be a bad man. GRADY    [whispered]  Someone up there, please help me! MAN1    I think I heard something! FADE 11_shares LEM    [whispered, to fanshaw]  Ask Nels the word for "share". FANSHAW    You're thinking to split the baby again. LEM    Amazing how many problems boil down to something that simple. DOC    Lem?  We - my wife and I - might have a congenial answer for all this fuss. LEM    Do tell. DOC    Well, Mrs. - uh - Beamish, is it? BEAMISH    Beamish.  Aye. DOC    My good lady wife suggested I extend an invitation for you to stay with us. BEAMISH    Where's 'at, then? DOC    Our house.  It's rather in the middle of all this.  BEAMISH    Won't say no to sleepin in proper 'ouse.  Not them shanties. DOC    [a bit slowly, trying to make it understandable to all]  You stay our house-- SOUND    [rumble of muttering on both sides] DOC    Cook.  Cook a lot. BEAMISH      I dearly 'ope you're tryin'a talk t'them, cos I ain't that bleeding thick. DOC    They are the ones who need to agree. BEAMISH    Go'ahn then. DOC    [to miners] You come. Eat. [to loggers] You.  Eat. LEM    [quiet] Eat?  Nels? NELS    [Eat] ata LEM    Thankee.  [up, to doc] "ata" DOC    Oh?  All right.  You.  Come to house.  "ata". LARS    [annoyed] Jag tror att han säger att hon ska laga för honom. [I think he is saying she will cook for him.] NELS    Sure, they do not want to give her over to the doctor either.  He has a wife to cook for him. OLY    Nej, säger han vi äter, också.  Tror jag. [No, he says we eat, also.  I think.] FANSHAW    No, no.  He's trying to say that the woman will be in the middle, and both sides can come and eat in peace.  No more fighting. NELS    Tell them ["You eat too"]  du äter för. FANSHAW    Lem?  Did you-- LEM    Doo ah-ter fore. OLY    Ya.  Mycket bra. [Yes. very good] LEM    And you all? PIKEY    Nae more tae eat bab out Bill?  [snort] I don't gi' a chuff where's hersen rest.  [No more eating the shit Bill cooks?  I don't care where she stays.] TED    'Appen 'at's a relief! [That's for sure!] JAMES    Eh, by gum. SCABBY BILL    Ere, now! PIKEY    Tha noz thee's no' called Scabby fer Nowt.  [You know they don't call you scabby for nothing.] LEM    Good.  DOC    Nice to know that people can be peaceable, even-- SOUND    GUNSHOTS, DISTANT LEM    Damn! ALL    [reactions!  Gasps, expletives] "Hellfire!" "Wha's't faff?" "flipping 'eck!" EZRA    Mister Fanshaw?  I think they's heading this way.     Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 7 MUSIC SCENE 1.    AMB    OUTSIDE LEM    [urgent, but even voice] Doc, I fancy it's time you take the ladies back to that fine house of your'n. DOC    But I can help-- LEM    [more forceful] BY taking THEM to safety.  If we's needin you atall, it's like to be after the battle.  SOUND    GUNSHOTS, DISTANT MRS. DOC    [off, a bit worried] Husband? LEM    Mrs. Beamish, you go on now with these good folk.  We got some rough work ahead of us. MRS. BEAMISH    Ain't never been one to run, but finking feedin th'lads come vict'ry's more my place. SOUND    SHE WALKS TO WAGON DOC    [quiet, but knowing it will do no good] You should come with us. LEM    And hosses should lay eggs. [chuckles]  I'll stay still as I can.  But I'm the king pin yokin these fellers one side t'other.  Go on now.  [up] Ma'am, if you could hand me down my sack?  I might find myself in need of a few more shells. MRS. DOC    Here you go.  [very concerned] You make sure and look after yourself, you hear?  My husband put a lot of work into you. DOC    [amused but still worried]  You heard her - and you know how ornery she can be. LEM    I reckon I do. DOC     [confidential] You fire three shots in the air, all at once, and I'll be back lickety-split with the shotgun. LEM    Preciate it. SOUND    DOC WALKS OFF SCENE 2.    LEM    [slight groan]  Quickly - You, Bill.  You, Oly. SCABBY BILL    Right. OLY    Ja? SOUND    SCRATCHING IN THE DIRT LEM    [talking while drawing terrain and pointing at things]  Sun.  There.  Hill. There.  Ja? OLY    Ja.  Bäck. Ge. [stream.  Give.] LEM    Take it. SOUND    MORE SCRATCHING SCABBY BILL    Thass river? OLY    Bäck. [stream] LEM    Close enough I think.  Bill, can y'all circle round here, over to the left, with yer fellas, and come up alongside?  They got guns and you don't, so I suggest comin on 'em from hidin. SCABBY BILL    Us'm? LEM    Course, it ain't yer fight, but-- SCABBY BILL    Nay problem, lad.  Lads're pantin' fer a good donnybrook.  [shrug] Canna beat on't Swedes, them ticks'll haveta play the Judy. LEM    All righty then, sounds like yer all in.  Go on.  Get ye some stout branches and knock em down, but try not t'kill em.  SCABBY BILL    Why them tea party manners? LEM    In case they ain't the villians here. SCABBY BILL    Ah.  Right.  We're bahn. SOUND    WALKS OFF SCABBY BILL    [off, calling] Ayup lads!  There'll be cracked pates afore sundown, I'll be bahn! LEM    Now for the tricky one. OLY    Du vill att vi ska åka på detta sätt. Runt den andra sidan. Och angrepp från bakhåll? [You want us to go this way.  Around the other side.  And attack from ambush?] NELS    He says do you want our men to go around the other way and attack from ambush as well? LEM    [startled laugh]  Oly, old son, we'll get you tricked up with English talkin yet. OLY    vad är det?  [What is that?] LEM    Later. After dust settles. NELS    Tell him "senare" [Later] LEM    Senare OLY    Ja.  Bakhåll?  Ja?  [Ambush] NELS    [translating] Attack from behind. LEM    Ya.  Go on. OLY    [going off] komma mäniskor! Dags att slå några huvuden! [come on men!  Time to beat some heads!] LEM    [heavy sigh, slight groan] FANSHAW    Lem? LEM    [quiet]  I'm alright.  I'm alright.  Just tuckered out.  Ain't nothin better for fellers like these, but to fight together 'gainst some other varmints.  Think this will end it once and fer all. FANSHAW    I certainly hope so.  LONG MUSIC SCENE 3.    AMB    NIGHT, CAMPFIRE ON LEFT OLY    [clearly storytelling] Vi reste snabbt och tyst. Då vi hörde dem. Arn gömde sig bakom ett träd. Lars var under en fallen stock. [We traveled fast and quiet.  Then we heard them.  Arn hid behind a tree.  Lars was beneath a fallen log.] ARN    Hah!  Bra att vara kort, eh, Lars? [Hah!  Good to be short, eh, Lars?] LARS    Bah! SWEDES     [general laughter] OLY    Vi ser tre kommer! En lång en i en hatt och två andra.  Gräslig. Cruel söker. De rör sig långsamt, letar efter något-- [We see three coming!  A tall one in a hat and two others.  Ugly.  Cruel looking.  They move slowly, looking for something--] MUSIC WIPE ACROSS THE SOUNDSCAPE SCENE 4.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT SCABBY BILL    Nowt but three up't front, but us cud 'ear more clamberin in't lee.  PIKEY    [bragging]  Like scratch hisself in't garden, I were oop on deadfall like bird in't nest.  Thass nowt ne surer as none'll raise them eyen. [I'd crawled like snake up along a fallen trunk, like a bird in a nest.  And no one ever looks up] SCABBY BILL    Aye, lad.  Ain't soul in t' world cud suss windy sot might drop out of clear blue ont' im's pate. [I'll give you that.  No one expects a flatulant drunk to fall out of the sky on his head.] MINERS    [general laughter] PIKEY    [correcting him haughtily] Nay, nay.  Windy sot wieldin' t' grandest thump 'im ever see'd. [A flatulant drunk with a great big stick, I remind you!] MINERS    [more laughter] MUSIC WIPE SCENE 5.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON LEFT OLY    Att en - med skriande skratt - var upp i ett träd. Jag fruktade för dig som han tappade på toppen av. [That one - with the braying laugh - was up a tree.  I feared for anyone he dropped atop of.] ARN    Åtminstone var det inte oss! [At least it wasn't us!] SWEDES    [general laughter] OLY    Han vinkade till mig. Då pekade förbi männen. Sedan lyfte han två händer fingrar. Många män skulle komma! [He waved to me.  Then pointed past the men.  Then he raised two hands of fingers.  Many men were coming!] FANSHAW    It sounds like a fascinating story.  I wish I could understand a word of it. NELS    He was saying that the noisy fellow-- FANSHAW    Aren't they all rather noisy? NELS    [laughs]  THAT one - got above.  High up.  Counted the men coming behind.  Showed him fingers for the count. FANSHAW    Accord without a single word.  Lovely. MUSIC WIPE SCENE 6.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT FITCH    Beyond tha' ken, Bill, our Pikey gives the wrist to yon tall tallow hair. [girlish noise] Ooooh!  Tis in ma mind him's a sight too long wi'out a damp scuffle. [But what YOU didn't see, Bill, was Pikey making obscene hand gestures across to the tall blonde fellow.  I think he's been alone too long.] SOUND    SLIGHT SCUFFLE - FRIENDLY SMACK PIKEY    Dinna fash.  Tha'd be first choice, fitchy m'lad.  Smack afore yows and kine.  Past that, mayhaps Swede.  Blondes ain't nivver turned ma top. [kiss kiss noise]  [You'd be my first choice, Fitch, right before ewes and cows.  I have never been fond of blondes.]  FITCH    [teasing] Ooh-ah.  Get a good scrub on thee aught often, afore thee clack.   [Bathe.  Then we'll talk.] MINERS    [general laughter] SCABBY BILL    Right.  'oo's keeping a tally?  [jokingly making a list] Needed f'r camp - butter, shot, tobacy, loose females. [Right.  Someone make a list of things we need for the camp.  Start with some loose women.] MINERS    [hysterical laughter] MUSIC SCENE 7.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON LEFT OLY    De var fortfarande ute. Kanske för en person. Kanske för ett djur. Något som kunde dölja sig. Vi sprider vidare bakom dem, lugn och vaksam. [They were still looking.  Maybe for a person.  Maybe for an animal.  Something that could hide itself.  We spread further behind them, quiet and watchful.] LARS    Jag var längst.  När den sista passerade, jag slog ner honom snabbt.  [hit noise] [I was furthest.  When the last passed by, I hit him down quickly.] SWEDES    [approving mumble] MUSIC WIPE SCENE 8.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT SOUND    WAGON SLOWLY MOVING IN FROM A DISTANCE PIKEY    Afore mine eyen, them axes circle up the jacksey, and I knew us'd ne'er let it be said us'd come up short in t' tally! [I saw them blonde fellers moving behind.  I knew we'd never want to lag behind.] SCABBY BILL    No.  So... Pikey made t' shrill-- SOUND    SHARP WHISTLE SCABBY BILL    [reacts in pain] NOWT up ma lug!  [angry sigh] Wi' a cry t' lads pounced! [Not in my ear!  And we attacked] FITCH    Like yoked set of dannys, us come right side, cack side!  And them'us jiggered like clemmy shale.  [Like a pair of hands, we came from right and left.  They broke like lose rock.] MUSIC WIPE SCENE 9.    AMB    LEFT CAMPFIRE OLY    Var och en föll. Slås ner av våra modiga händer. Eller våra vänner händer. [Every one fell.  Struck down by our brave hands.  Or our friends' hands.  [raising his voice]] ALL GOOD! SCABBY BILL    [off] I hears that!  [yelling back] Ayup lads?  ALL GOOD! SWEDES and MINERS [not very much in unison- just loud] ALL GOOD! DOC    [off] Ho there!  Sounds like it's safe to approach? MUSIC SCENE 10.    AMB    INSIDE SOUND    [OUTSIDE] THE MEN YELLING AND LAUGHING FANSHAW    Lem? LEM    [rousing from half sleep]  Yup?  Sounds like peace at last. FANSHAW    And the doctor just arrived.  [chuckles] With a kettle of something hearty, and some lovely- LEM    Biscuits?  [chuckles] FANSHAW    [chuckles too]  He'll be in here in a moment, I'm sure.  [beat]  The men - both factions - were rather impressive.  Possibly less impressive than the tales they're telling at the moment, but they did very well. LEM    Who was it they's up against? FANSHAW    Looks like outlaws.  Chasing a fugitive. LEM    And the feller they'us after? FANSHAW    [sigh]  He was already ... done for.  Gone. LEM    [sigh]  The Doc's spare room is looking like heaven just about now. DOC    [outside]  Mister Roberts? LEM    [a bit weaker] In here! LONG MUSIC SCENE 11.    AMB    DOC'S HOUSE DOC    I will not hear of you leaving that bed for at least a week, Mister Roberts.  MRS. DOC    [from off]  Don't you get it into your head that you'll be able to sweet-talk your way past me neither. LEM    I got no plans to budge aught farther than the broth and biscuits require to reach my mouth. DOC    Good. MUSIC SCENE 12.    AMB    DOC'S HOUSE LEM    Alone? FANSHAW    They're all in the kitchen, yes.  From the smells, that Beamish woman is very nearly as accomplished in the kitchen as our lady hostess, despite her lack of - ahem - refinement.  They have set the men to building a sort of cookhouse.  Just an annex big enough for her to serve out of.  The doctor's wife objected, you see, to having all these men troop through the house at mealtimes. LEM    Cain't say that I blame her.  Catch me up a bit? FANSHAW    They say the way to man's heart is through his stomach - and we now have clear evidence this works for groups of men as well as it works on individuals.  They've all become the best of chums.  And those Swedish follows are learning English, bit by bit. LEM    One more victory for-- FANSHAW    Civilization? LEM    [down]  I was gonna say salvation.  Had a might too much time to ponder my past while I been laid up here. FANSHAW    I shan't pry, but you know I will gladly listen to anything you feel the need to unburden yourself of. LEM    Thankee kindly, but my burden is my own. FANSHAW    Well.  When you are up to visting, We should make a trip to speak to the fellow who was being chased by the outlaws. LEM    Where ARE they, anyway? FANSHAW    Several of the men took them down a flatboat on the river to the next landing.  Haven't made the return yet - I gather it takes a few days. LEM    Mm.  Good. FANSHAW    But, you see... this fellow was ...killed a bit further out than I can reach.  It's very frustrating.  Ezra, though... LEM    Oh, yup - this Ezra you been talking about?  How come I ain't seen him, never? FANSHAW    I don't know.  He's a child.  A spirit.  Who prefers to think of himself an angel.  I rather think he's been here quite a long time.  And Lem... LEM    Yup? FANSHAW    I-I feel quite dreadful about this, but - you understand, I have been endeavoring to find some way to help him pass on.  But there's this--- LEM    Spit it out and let's see what color it is. FANSHAW    Ezra can go just about anywhere within the entire valley.  That is rather a long distance.  He seems to have very few of the limitations that I find myself so hampered by.  I don't understand it one bit, and I have this - notion - to try and figure out why.  Before I help him find his way onward. LEM    Guess it's a good thing I'm laid up, then, ain't it?    

just pointing out I'm still alive.   also don't forget to check out my other twitter feed @MyLadysWardrobe, where i post a new old photo every day.

While recovering from his injuries, Lemuel Roberts (The Deadeye Kid) must try and make peace between two local factions - a group of Swedish loggers (please overlook our sincere attempt at translation) and a team of Yorkshire miners - neither of which speaks any English that Lem can understand... Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson Doc - Russell Gold Mrs. Doc - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Ezra - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Beamish - Judith Moore The Yorkshire Miners: Scabby Bill:  John Lingard Will Watt Stevie K. Farnaby Danar Hoverson Paul Green The Swedish Loggers: Oly - Lothar Tuppan Nels - Danar Hoverson Mark Olson Cary Ayers Bill Jones Reynaud Leboeuf Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. **********************************************************************   Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 1 (from end of previous story) SOUND FADES IN AND OUT [Lem has been shot] COMMANDER    Hold on, there, fellow. LEM    [vague] all's well? COMMANDER    We got em. LEM    My pack? COMMANDER    I'll set someone to finding it. FADE OUT DOCTOR    [to Lem] Bite down on this.  [slightly off, urgent, but not loud] He's lost a lot of blood! FADE OUT BOOTMAKER    I'll have a new pair ready before he'll be walking anywhere on them.  You sure I should even bother--? FADEOUT MRS. DOC    Just a little bit of broth, mister.  You need to get some o'yer strength back. SICKROOM LEM    [annoyed moan] FANSHAW    You're awake. LEM    [quiet]  Anyone--? FANSHAW    Not close enough to hear - as long as you stay quiet. LEM    Good.  [groan]  I been shot? FANSHAW    At least twice, judging by the bandages.  Once in the chest, once in the leg, I should say.  I should have been watching. LEM    [reassuring] Cain't leave you to do everythin.   Scotty? FANSHAW    When they returned with his body, I saw no sign of him. LEM    Good. FANSHAW    I sincerely hope so.  [awkward pause, then stiffly]  Should I ...go? LEM    Go?  go where? FANSHAW    [covering] I - I mean, leave you in peace.  To rest.  I don't doubt you will still be needing a great deal of it. LEM    [straining a bit]  Did you see, did it go alla way through? FANSHAW    I don't know, but you were very fortunate - or so the doctor declared. LEM    [satisfied]  Good. FANSHAW    I'll leave you to your rest, then, shall I? LEM    Go or stay, I ain't so wrung out I cain't tell you got sumpin on yer mind. FANSHAW    Oh. LEM    Is it that female ghost o'yours yer frettin over? FANSHAW    [bracing breath]  Yes. LEM    [exasperated snort]  Yer worried she said sumpin, izzat it? FANSHAW    Yes. LEM    [playing it up a bit] You furriners and the trifles that plague you. FANSHAW    [shock] So she did--? LEM    [shrug]  Yup.  So? FANSHAW    [surprised] So? LEM    You cain't be the first. FANSHAW    First? LEM    Nor the last, like enough. FANSHAW    But it... doesn't... bother you? LEM    Well, you don't do it no more. FANSHAW    I... don't? LEM    'sides, plenty of little fellers wet up the bed right up til they'us in long pants.  FANSHAW    What? SOUND    GUNSHOTS, DISTANT LEM    [straining to get up] Oh hell.  Where's my britches? FANSHAW    Before you do yourself some harm trying to get up, I'll gather up my shame and go have a look. LEM    [lies back with a groan] SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES SOUND    ANOTHER GUNSHOT SOUND    DOOR OPENS MRS. DOC    Oh!  You are awake.  I thought I heard your voice! LEM    I was just thinking out loud, ma'am - uh - you don't seem real worried?  About the gunshots? MRS. DOC    [unconcerned] Oh, that.  My husband just had to run off a couple of unwanted patients. LEM    [baffled] Ma'am? MRS. DOC    Oh, my stars!  You won't even remember!  You were shot, and back in town, you were throwing five fits and comin all over feverish, so Mister Brand, that's my husband - [pride] Doctor Brand, that is - he brought you out here with us. LEM    Out... here? MRS. DOC    Doctor Brand is the only medical man for three counties!  Leastways, the only one that doctors people.  So we get around time to time, and much as he didn't want to move you, he also didn't want to leave you in anyone else's care, poorly as you were.  So we brought you along, and the move seems to have done you right good.  You slept peaceful ever since we got here. LEM    Ah.  You help me to remember to thank him for his concern, would you, ma'am? MRS. DOC    [beaming] I'm sure he'll be pleased enough to hear that you're able to thank him. LEM    And the gunshots--? MRS. DOC    [rueful] Well, you see, the local fellows are having an ..."altercation", and Doctor Brand has refused to aid either side, even if they're near dying, until they patch it up. LEM    Altercation? MRS. DOC    I'm sure he'll tell you about that himself.  You don't need any such concern right now.  What you do need is a good solid cup of broth, and I'll be back in two shakes of a lamb's tail. LEM    You're too kind. SOUND    SHE BUSTLES OUT, DOOR SHUTS LEM    [sigh]  Yeah? FANSAW    The good lady is correct.  You really don't need this concern right now. LEM    [annoyed] It'll fret me more knowin there's sumpin to be concerned about and not bein told what it tis. FANSAW    [slight chuckle] It will, won't it?  Very well, but you lie back down while I regale you.  LEM    [grunt, pause] Right, then.  Go on with the regalin'. FANSAW    Two men had a third, bleeding from a head wound, but ambulatory - um, up and walking.  They were yelling at the doctor, but I couldn't make out anything.  They didn't seem to be speaking-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS MRS. DOC    Here you go.  Been reducing for three days - that'll put some strength back into you. LEM    Smells right fine.  But that's an awful small cup, ma'am, if you don't mind me sayin, for a pow'rful hunger like I got. MRS. DOC    [tsks] First we see if you can keep it down, Mister... [uncertain] oh.... LEM    Roberts. MRS. DOC    Roberts. Of course. I'm such a scatterbrain. LEM    Cain't take offense til we're properly introduced, nohow, ma'am.  MRS. DOC    You're too kind.  DOC    [calling, off] Irene?  Missus? MRS. DOC    Ah, looks like the doctor's got everything handled.  FANSHAW    The gunshots were all on the doctor's side, I might add. MRS. DOC    [up, sweetly] I'm in the back bedroom!  [back to Lem] Now you sip a bit, if it's not yet too hot. LEM    [sips] Mm.  A mite.  But I can use some warming. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS COME IN DOC    Ah!  Well, this is just the sort of good news I needed.  [to wife] I've been having more trouble with those fellows. MRS. DOC    They don't mean no harm! DOC    To us, no.  To each other, though...! LEM    What's this trouble yer havin', doc? DOC    Nothing you need worry on.  Not yet, leastways. LEM    But I can-- DOC    Tomorrow.  If you're still improving, I'll tell you everything over breakfast.  For now, you need yer rest. LEM    Can we speak, man to man, sir? MRS. DOC    Goodness, I think I'd best go and check on the biscuits. DOC    You do that. SOUND    SHE LEAVES, DOOR SHUTS DOC    She does make some fair biscuits.  [teasing] And she doesn't listen in. FANSHAW    Should I leave? LEM    No.  [smooth] I reckon a doctor's wife should oughtta be used to checking on her biscuits. DOC    [laughs]  You seem to be doing pretty well, for a man shot and come through fever.  That's excellent.  You keep on with that broth, though.  Ain't out of the woods jest yet. LEM    It's the fever I wanna ask about.  Your good wife let slip that I was a mite... FANSHAW    Garralous? LEM    hmph.  ...rambly? DOC    You kept going on about hearing folks talking to you, even in an empty room.  LEM    "Folks."  Ah. DOC    Funny thing is, you even named them from time to time, and I swear not a one of them was someone who coulda been there. LEM    [careful] Whyzzat? DOC    The one or two I recognized your naming of - well, they're ... "passed on". LEM    I - I musta heard the names somewhere. DOC    Can I speak frankly with you, sir?  And you let me know if this is the least bit upsetting to your digestion, you hear? LEM    Ayup. DOC    Well, then.  I'm purt near sure I know why you were calling out to dead folks. LEM    You...do? DOC    Seen it before - more'n once, even. FANSHAW    Really? DOC    You ain't alone, son.  LEM    [unsure] I'm... not? DOC    Many's the fellow standing at death's door - and you were right close there for a while - that hears spirits try and call him through. LEM    Ahhh. FANSHAW    Really, they were being rather annoying. LEM    [slight snort] Did I ... say anything that might be important? DOC    I didn't hear, but I can ask my wife.  She sat in the wagon with you when we made the trip - she told you we'd moved you? LEM    She mentioned that you didn't feel right leaving me behind. DOC    The trip seems to have done you good, too.  Fever broke while we were on route.  Quieted you right down. FANSHAW    And there are less spirits here than in town.  At least not around the house.  None to harass you. LEM    And where are we now, then? DOC    I should really call a halt to all this inquiry, and let you sleep. LEM    I promise I won't ask one more thing, if'n you'll kindly tell me where I am. DOC    We're ten miles and a county line away from where we were.  Near the town of Silt Creek.  LEM    Miners? DOC    [smiling] Now now, you promised no more questions.  Can you finish the last of that? LEM    [slurps the broth down] DOC    Good.  If you're still awake in an hour, I'll see that you get some more.  But do try and sleep. SOUND    LEAVES THE ROOM FANSHAW    They seem a nice couple. LEM    Tell me more about what was going on out there. FANSHAW    Lem, You're hardly in any condition-- LEM    I'm gonna be gettin enough coddlin from the likes of them.  Stop actin like an old woman and-- FANSHAW    Very well.  When I went out there, the three men were standing on the road leading up to the house.  The doctor had a shotgun aimed at them.  They were saying something, but I couldn't make it out-- LEM    Were they strapped? FANSHAW    I saw no guns, but they-- SOUND    TAP, SCRATCH AT THE WINDOW FANSHAW    I'll see.  [pause] I'm not certain, but I think it's one of them! LEM    [hushed] How many out there? FANSHAW    Two.  They're trying to get the window open! SOUND    CREAK, RUSTLE OF BEDCLOTHES LEM    [groan as he gets up] Where the devil are my guns? END   EPISODE 2 SOUND    FABRIC BEING SHOVED AROUND LEM    [quiet] Dammit! FANSHAW    Lem, they are trying to leever open the window.  If there ever was a time to call for the doctor and his shotgun, this would be it! LEM    I don't-- SOUND    CREAK, CRACK OF WOOD LEM    Ah hell.  [up] Doc!  Bring your gun!  Doc? SOUND    SOMETHING HEAVY DROPS OUTSIDE SOUND    GLASS BREAKS OLY    [You got it?] [du fick den?] SVEN    [I got it.  Quick, get inside!]  [Jag har det. Snabbt, gå in.] LEM    What the hell kinda talk is that? FANSHAW    Something Nordic, perhaps?  I am hardly an expert! LEM    And where's the Doc? FANSHAW    That I can check on. SOUND    THUMP AS MAN CLAMBERS INTO THE ROOM LEM    Stop right there! OLY    [keep quiet and do not move!] [hålla tyst och inte röra mig!] SVEN    [outside] [is everything all right?] [Är allt okej?] OLY    [Someone is in here.  I can handle it.] [Någon här inne. Jag kan hantera det.] MRS. DOC    [off - scream, more surprise than fear/pain] LEM    Dammit!  Where's my blasted guns? OLY    [Hold your tongue!] [håll din tunga] SOUND    FANSHAW COMES IN FANSHAW     [agitated] Lem, they have broken in from the front as well, and are holding the lady.  The Doctor has given up his weapon. OLY    [barks orders to those outside] [go around front.  Leave Borr and Fredek to watch.] [går runt framsidan. Lämna Borr och Fredek att titta på.] LEM    [side of mouth]  What they threatenin' to do? FANSHAW    I don't know... but I don't think they do either. OLY    [shut up!]  [Håll käften!] FANSHAW    He's gesturing for you to remain quiet.  If necessary, it's one rap for yes, two for no, agreed? SOUND    ONE QUIET RAP SVEN    [outside, question]  [you want the axe?]  [Vill du ha yxan?] OLY    [annoyed] [go around and come in through the front!] [gå runt och komma in genom fronten!] FANSHAW    I say Lem, I should like to go back and make sure there's no-- SOUND    ONE RAP FANSHAW    Right, then. SOUND    FANSHAW EXITS OLY    [Get up now and come with me] [Stig upp nu, och kom med mig.] LEM    [slowly] I don't understand. OLY    [slowly] [YOU get up and come with me] [Du får upp och komma med mig] LEM    Come with?  I been shot.  Weak.  Cain't walk. OLY    [shouting] [Get up!] [Upp med dig!] LEM    [muttered, resigned] All right then. SOUND    BEDCLOTHES RUSTLE, SLOW FOOTSTEP, COLLAPSE TO THE FLOOR LEM    [moans] Dammit. FADE MRS. DOC    [weeping] DOC    Let me go to my wife! BJORN    [angry words]  [just stay right there.  No fast moves!] [Stanna där. Inga snabba rörelser!] DOC    [trying to be calm, but speaking from across the room] Lydia, be brave.  We'll get this all sorted out. BJORN    [warning noise] FANSHAW    At least there's nothing unseemly going on.  That would simply be too much.  If only Lem had his guns.  There's no more that six of them, large as they are.  And not one seems to have a firearm. OLY    [Someone come and carry this fool.]  [Någon kom och bära denna idiot.] AKE    [question] [Should I go?] [Ska jag gå?] BJORN    [go!] [Go!] SOUND    ARNOT RUNS OFF DOWN THE HALL. BJORN    [barks orders] [tie them up!]  [Binned upp dem!] SOUND    CHAIRS PULLED OVER, CREAK OF ROPES MRS. DOC    [gaspy shriek] DOC    There ain't no call for this!  How dare you lay hands on a lady! BJORN    Shh! FANSHAW    Well.  That anyone can understand. FADE LEM    [muttered]  I never thought Swedes were this ornery.  Only ones I ever met were right peaceable. FANSHAW    I think it's - well, it isn't "all right", but I do think they're only doing this to get help. LEM    eh? FANSHAW    The loudest one out front was shoving the doctor at a wounded man. SOUND    AKE WALKS IN OLY    [help me move him] [Hjälp mig att flytta honom!] OLY and AKE    [Grunts as they move Lem] LEM    [sharp hiss, trying not to cry out from pain] Fanshaw    Be prepared.  They have the doctor's lady tied to a chair, to enforce his aid. Lem    Damn. AKE    [laughs] [he knows one word!] [Han vet ett ord!] OLY    [shush] [tyst] FADE Doc    [speaking looud and slow] stitches.  He needs stitches.  I will have to sew that gash on his head. SWEDES    [muttering] Doc    [normal speed] untie my hands and I'll show you, you blasted idjets! Mrs. Doc    [calmer, but a little hoarse from cying] Too bad we lost Nels last month. SVEN    Nels?   Doc    If Nels weren't dead, everything would be easier. SVEN    [angry] [Vad är det du säger om Nels?] Doc    Nels.  Yes.  He was a good man. SOUND    MEN SHUFFLING IN CARRYING LEM Lem    [wincing in pain] Who's this Nels? Sven    [angry] [You shut up about Nels!] [Du hålla käften om Nels!] OLY    [Be quiet.  If nels was here, there would be no problem.  You know that.] [Var tyst. Om kanaler var här, skulle det inte vara något problem. Du vet att.] FANSHAW    [speculative] Sounds like Nels is ...dead?  Hmm. LEM    [quiet] Go on then. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES SOUND    SETTING LEM DOWN IN CHAIR AKE    [Should we tie him up?] [ska vi binda upp honom?] OLY    [He cannot even stand.  Leave him.] [Han kan inte ens stå. Lämna honom.] FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE NOISES FANSHAW    Nels?  I say, is there a Nels around? FITCH    [whispered, urgent] Shut tha gob!  [shut your mouth] FANSHAW    Heavens!  Hello? FITCH    [whispered, urgent] Gi o'er screetin'! [stop talking] FANSHAW    Are you addressing me? FITCH    [whispered, urgent] They'ull suss us're laikin about.  Whilst us'm left bugger-all, and all that.  {they'll figure out we're out here, leaving us with nothing} SCABBY BILL    Pikey's off his head drownt, in't him? [pikey's drunk] PIKEY    [drunken chortle] FANSHAW    That's a relief - of a sort.  Rather than a dead swede, I find a party of my own countrymen - of a sort - encroaching on an already sticky situation.  Bloody hell.  [sigh] I'd best relay this. FADE DOC    I can't do him any good without my bag.  [louder, and gesturing] Bag! OLY    [thinking] Bag.  Ja.  Mrs. Doc    Maybe they understand needle and thread.  Show them. FANSHAW    Lem, just listen.  I've not found Nels, but felt I had to come back and inform you that there are men approaching in a sort of ambush formation outside. LEM    Hmm? FANSHAW    Not more of the Swedes - I suspect these are the fellows who the alteraction is with - or against.  At any rate, they speak English - of a sort - so they won't be so hard to deal with, assuming that they don't simply stage an attack and kill everyone. LEM    Cheery. FANSHAW    And my apologies for not thinking of this before-- LEM    [impatient sigh] FANSHAW    But I did see where the doctor placed your guns and other belongings - they are in the chest at the foot of the bed you awoke in. LEM    Hmph. DOC    [slowly and loudly] You - look through my bag!  You see?  Noooo weapons.  Give bag, let me help your friend. LEM    [quickly] Doc, I think I hear some men outside. OLY    [Hell!  Nels always had bad timing!]  [Helvete! Nels hade alltid dålig timing!] SVEN    [Do not talk about Nels that way!] [Prata inte om Nels det sättet!] Mrs. Doc    Nels?  [slowly, but nicely] Nels was a good man. SVEN    [good man] God Manniska.  Ya. OLY    [Hmph.  give the doctor his bag.] [ge läkaren sin väska.] FADE FITCH    Red, tha tike Jimmy and Sike, and skeg ap gate.  Keep Pikey downwind, me - guff alone'd make a dozey twonk. [red, you take jimmy and sike and look out front.  I'll keep pikey downwind.  His farts alone would make you stupid.] PIKEY    [drunken laugh] FANSHAW    I shall have to leave them to their machinations while I find this Nels.  [quiet] Please god I shall find him.  [up] Nels?  Nels! PIKEY    Tha 'ear owt? [you hear anything?] FITCH    Oyl and shoon. [Hole and shoes - shut your mouth and walk] FADE SOUND    SCISSORS SNIP DOC    [professional brisk] That needs to stay clean, which means-- MRS. DOC    Dear? DOC    [heavy sigh] Right.  [back to loud and slow] Clean.  Wash.  Alcohol. Whiskey? SWEDES    [approving noises]  ya ya.  Whiskey. DOC    [brisk] I have no idea if they understand a word. LEM    That last word I'd say they did. Mrs. Doc    They're watching you real close.  They might be getting some of this. At least some of our words are kind of similar.  "Help", for instance. OLY    [Help?  Help what?] [Hjalp?  Hjalp vad?] MRS. DOC    It's almost like he understood me. LEM    I wouldn’t go thinkin' these fellers is fools.  They don't even seem to mind us talkin, now that the doc's on with his  business. DOC    You think they'll leave now? LEM    So this feller you were talkin about - the one who had some English - do I take it he's deceased? DOC    [agreeing] Mm-hm.  Hatchet flew off the handle, caught him in the side of the head.  It weren't quick, and it weren't pretty, and there weren't a durn thing I coulda done. LEM    So long as they're leavin us to talk amonst ourselves, doc, you were sayin there's some sort of dustup in this here valley? DOC    These fellers - loggers, they are - have some issue with the miners down at the other end of the valley.  They been getting along just fine for a donkey's years, and all of a sudden I ride in this trip to find them at odds and whaling on each other every chance they get. MRS. DOC    Perhaps it is merely a misundertanding?  With Ne- [catches herself] With their one translator passed on, could this all be a terrible mistake? LEM    Might could be.  These miners, they speak English?  Not chineee or sumpin? DOC    English they are, but kind of funny til you get used to it.   LEM    Then I think they's the ones a-creepin up on the house.  I heered just a snatch of voices a while back, and it certain sure weren't Swedes. MRS. DOC    What do we do? LEM    I doubt me you're in any danger, missus, any more than you would be from these fellers. Them out there probably want the doc's help too. MRS. DOC    Even after he sent everyone packing this afternoon? LEM    Even more so.  But they's like to be some fightin once you get'em all in one place. MRS. DOC    Oh no! DOC    If only these fellers would let me speak to them outside. LEM    I'm not sure as they've even noticed-- OLY    [hey!  Someone's outside!] [hey! Någon utanför!] AKE    [I hear them!] [Jag hör dem!] LEM    Never mind. SVEN    [do not let them come in!] [Låt dem inte komma in!] FADE FANSHAW    [sigh] This is about as far as I can go.  I don't know quite where the logger's camp might be‑‑ EZRA    Hello. FANSHAW    Hel-lo? EZRA    Will you play with me? FANSHAW    Oh, dear. [end]   EPISODE 3 1_EZRA EZRA [child]    What's your name? FANSHAW    [dread] Fanshaw. EZRA    That's a funny sort of name. FANSHAW    I expect so.  And yours? EZRA    Ezra.  Ezra Peacote.  FANSHAW    Ezra.  Can you point me to the logger's encampment? EZRA    Sure I can!  You go on down this road a piece, then watch fer where all the trees is gone. FANSHAW    I'm afraid this is as far as I can go, just at the moment.  Can you go to the logging camp? EZRA    I go there all the time to watch them cut down the trees.  I'm gonna cut down trees when I grow up. FANSHAW    [sorrowful] Oh.  I see.     FADE 2_barricade SOUND    SHIFTING FURNITURE OLY    [block that window!  Put out the lamp!] [block som fönster! Släck lampan!] SVEN    [yes! PUSH!]  [Ja! Tryck!] SWEDES    [GRUNTS as they shove furniture] DOC    Stop all this!  Let me talk to them!  AKE    [What if they come in the back?] [Tänk om de kommer i bakvägen?] Mrs. Doc    Oh, please don't let them tear up my house, husband! That china cabinet was my mother's!  DOC    I'll watch the entire house burn to cinders if it means keeping you safe, Irene. LEM    [muttered to self] All I'm watchin is a passel o' people payin no mind to the ailin' feller in the corner.  [chuckles]  It's a wonder how often it helps to seem a mite more poorly than y'really are.      FADE 3_angel FANSHAW    Ezra, you and I need to have a long talk, but that will have to wait.  There's some people in danger, and we are the only ones who can help them. EZRA    Helping is what I'm here fer.  Not that I had much chance, yet.  I'm an angel, you know. FANSHAW    A - what? EZRA    You do know what an angel is, dontcha? FANSHAW    Oh, of course, I've just...  I've never seen one. EZRA    Mama always said that all young'uns who dies of the consumption come up angels. FANSHAW    [sigh of relief] So you know that you passed on? EZRA    Yessir.  But don't sound so sad - it's all right.  I don't cough no more. FANSHAW    You shall have to tell me more about your mama - but first we must help, yes?     FADE 4_irons SOUND    DOOR CREAKS OPEN SOUND    SLOW CAREFUL FOOTSTEPS  [voices from back in the front room] OLY    [yelling to them outside]  [we know you are there!  Stand up and be counted!] [vi vet att du är där! Stå upp och räknas] DOC    [also yelling] They have my shotgun!  Stay clear! MRS. DOC    Please, all of you, don't hurt anyone.  We must be able to work this out! SOUND    DOOR EASES SHUT LEM    [sigh of relief]  Plumb clear ain't none of these fellers got much of a head fer fightin, or they'd have a man back here in case of-- PIKEY    [slurred, off]  Eyup!  Naught but oiyl!  As ah allus sez  - let winder open, best as well put parkin in yune - an ahl tell thi that fer nowt.  [hey - nothing but a hole!  As I always say, leave the window open, might as well bake a cake [and invite people in], and I'll tell you that for free] LEM    [hushed but urgent] Dammit!  SOUND    THUMPS AS HE CRAWLS, THEN TRUNK OPENS SOUND    NOISES OF CLIMBING FROM OUTSIDE SOUND    SEARCHING THE TRUNK LEM    [searching for his guns] Where are they?  Dammit!     FADE 5_get nels EZRA    Nels?  I'll go and ask.  There's a couple of fellers at the logging camp, but I ain't never talked to none of them.  They talk funny. FANSHAW    If he's there, Nels will be the one who CAN speak some English. EZRA    I'm a-going.  [slight pause] Say, Mr. Fanshaw, do you think this might could earn me my wings?  I shore would love to be able to fly away and watch over my mama instead. FANSHAW    [bright] I don't know, truly, but I suspect good deeds will always stand you in good stead.  You go on, now.  [pause]  [small sob]     FADE 6_put em up SOUND    THUMP - THEY'RE IN THE ROOM. SCABBY BILL    Bleeding muttonheads, innit?  Leaving the drawbridge down and draining the moat fer us. PIKEY    Inno moat.  [laughs, then smothers it] An thou clap clack on me gone khalied. [And you talk about me being drunk] SCABBY BILL    Shu'up. PIKEY    SHHHHHHHhhhhhh. [sort of damp and spitty] SCABBY BILL    [dry] Thanks, now I dinna need no washup. OLY    [off]  [Who the devil is watching the back?] [Vem fan tittar på baksidan?] AKE    [off]  [I thought bjorn was!] [Jag tyckte det var Björn] BJORN    [off]  [Ake was supposed to--] [Åke var tänkt att titta på] OLY    [furious growl]  [Get back there!] [Komma tillbaka dit!] SOUND    FEET APPROACH SCABBY BILL    Get set to swing that crow, and be chary you don't smite my crown. PIKEY    Nowt missed owt threp yet. [never missed a smack yet] SOUND    DOORKNOB TURNS SCABBY BILL    Shh! SOUND    DOOR OPENS PIKEY    [loud attack] Right! SOUND    HAMMERS CLICK, TWO GUNS LEM    All y'all hold it right there.  [up] GUN, savvy? PIKEY    What? LEM    Drop em. SOUND    CROWBAR DROPS TO GROUND, SOMETHING WOOD TOO SCABBY BILL    What gate of hell spewed you forth? LEM    No place so trick.  You should oughtta check the corners and the shadows when yer breakin inter a body's home. AKE    [slightly off] Gun?  LEM    Yes, gun! SOUND    SOMETHING DROPS IN THE HALL PIKEY    Now, lad, us'n't doin nowt-- SCABBY BILL    You have to understand the tragic poetry of this moment.  You'd laugh if you had the whole picture there afore ye. LEM    You two stay right'chere. SOUND    SLIGHT STEP LEM    [yelling to the swedes, slow] gun.  Now you, "mansker"-- AKE    [me?]  [mig?] LEM    Yeah - you go and unbind the good doctor and his wife. BJORN    [he cannot shoot all of us.] [han kan inte skjuta oss alla] AKE    [He can shoot one.  And it can be you, idiot.]  [Han kan skjuta en. Och det kan vara du, idiot.] LEM    Idiot.  Gotcha.  Idjit, Gun and damm. And maybe mansker.  Never thought I'd be learning no other lingo at my age.     FADE 7_NELS EZRA    You just waiting fer me?    FANSHAW    I thought it would be helpful if you could locate me easily. EZRA    I kin find anything round here.  I found yer Mr. Nels.  He can't come no closer than over yonder, though. FANSHAW    [calling] Nels? NELS    Who is this asking?  Sure, you're not the little boy. EZRA    [muttered] I'm an angel. FANSHAW    [up]  We need help with talking to your men.  Something has upset them and no one can speak to one another. NELS    Sure, it is a row about the woman, is it not? FANSHAW    A woman?  The doctor's wife? NELS    Nah!  The one we bought fair and square - paid her passage and her indebted for five years, and them rascals up and run off with her. FANSHAW    [resigned mutter]  All this over a woman.  And people wonder why a mustache is so comfortable. EZRA    You got a lovely set of whiskers there, you do. FANSHAW    Thank you.  It helps a great deal to never have to worry about grooming them. NELS    Sure, you bring us back the woman, there might be peace again. EZRA    Is she their mother? FANSHAW    I rather doubt it.  But women are good at... other things too. EZRA    You said a mouthful there, you did, sir.  FANSHAW    Please, just call me Fanshaw. EZRA    All right Mr. Fanshaw. FANSHAW    If you must. EZRA    Huh? FANSHAW    [UP] Nels, we need help speaking to your men.  Are you willing to help, if I give you my word that we are going to do our best to clear this up? NELS    [snort of derision]  Sure, a bucket of dead men cannot float. EZRA    That's just silly. FANSHAW    I think that rather lost something in the translation.      FADE 8_palaver SOUND    ANGRY NOISES FROM BOTH SIDES LEM    [very quiet] Talk to me, Fanshaw.  [up a bit] Ain't much we can do while no one parlays the lingo. DOC    I've always purposed to send away for a book of phrases, but Nels was always on hand. MRS. DOC    Perhaps we could draw some pictures? DOC    That's a capital idea!  Mrs. Doc    I have that slate we set aside ...[trails off with a slight sniffle.  NOTE - she has things for when they have children, but she's never had any] ... I’ll fetch it, then, shall I? SOUND    SHE RUSHES OFF SCABBY BILL    Us got more lads backside.  Be reasonable and leave us go. LEM    I got two guns, and the doc's got at least two barrels of buck, before we need to be reasonable about nothin.  Stay shut. FANSHAW ENTERS FANSHAW    Lem, we have a problem. LEM    [laughs derisively] FANSHAW    Nels IS present at the loggers camp, but cannot approach this place.  I can get to within shouting distance, but it's going to be a bit of a slow process if I'm dashing back and forth for translations each time - not to mention any mispronunciations I might make along the way. SOUND    MRS. DOC RETURNS MRS. DOC    Here we go.  I even have some chalk.  Now.  [bravely] You seem to be the leader here-- DOC    Be careful, dear. MRS. DOC    He's no more a danger with you watching him, husband.  [to OLY] You... draw ... problem. OLY    [quizzical] Problem? [definite, "getting it"] Problem!  Ja! SOUND    DRAWING ON SLATE MRS. DOC    [satisfied] See? SCABBY BILL    Prob'ly just drawin somethin rude. SOUND    DRAWING FINISHES OLY    ["Finished"] Fardig.  [forceful, indicating - "woman"] Dam. SOUND    TAPS THE SLATE PIKEY    As I allus say. DOC    I'll ask you not to use such language-- LEM    No, I think he means dam, like a mare.  Look at what he's drawn. DOC    A woman?  Oh, that sort of dam! OLY    Ya.  Dam. FANSHAW    Damn!  Lem, Nels said something about this all beginning with a woman.  LEM    Damn. [gasp, up] Pardon me, ma'am.  [musing] We really need to get a mite closer to the loggin camp. END   EPISODE 4 FANSHAW    I've been thrown for a bit of a loop, or I would have mentioned the presence of a female at the heart of this matter-- LEM    [riled] Will someone just come to the point and tell me what's a-going on?  What is this about a woman? FANSHAW    Nels said that he and his had -ahem- brought her here, and those fellows apparently absconded with her. PIKEY    What woman?  Us dunno nowt about no woman. FITCH    Put wood in't clacks. [shut up] LEM    You certain sure they's speakin normal English?  Sounds downright wrong. DOC    You get used to it. FANSHAW    I assume they are come from one of the large mining areas back home in blighty.  Perhaps Lancashire or Yorkshire. LEM    York-sure? PIKEY    Aye!  Tykes, us'm. FITCH    Shh! LEM    That sounds like an ayup. OLY    [This has to get us something.  give us the woman] Detta är att få oss något framåt. ge oss damen. LEM    There's that dam again.  [up]  If you're telling me you got no woman-- FITCH    Got nowt.  LEM    Then let's all jest mosey down t'yer camp and have a rekky.  [thinks] See what we find. SCABBY BILL    Nae, sir, cannot.  LEM    Whay's that? SCABBY BILL    um.... Ty-foy. DOC    Typhoid?  Horsefeathers!  Sides, cain't catch typhoid from a looksee.  Get up. PIKEY    Shant. OLY    [growl]  Son till en hund! [Son of a dog!] FITCH    Gormless bastard - tha'll be right skittled! AKE    Låt mig slå honom! [Let me hit him!] SWEDES and TYKES [general angry grumbles] MRS. DOC    Wait!  Wait, all of you! SWEDES and TYKES [all shut up with gasps] MRS. DOC    You!  Sit!  [noise for emphasis as she gestures] SOUND    SHIFTING, THUMPING, TYKESIDE MRS. DOC    Now you!  Go on! SOUND    SHIFTING THUMPING, SWEDE-SIDE. FANSHAW    Clearly, some things are quite comprehensible, no matter what tongue you speak.  They do say women are a civilizing influence and are bound to tame the west. LEM    [slight snort of laughter] FANSHAW    This show of respect certainly gives me some hope regarding the treatment of this mystery woman, as well. LEM    [deep breath and sigh]  Now, fellers.  Let's take it one more time from the saddle blanket up. FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE, FIRE NEARBY SOUND    BAG SET DOWN, RUSTLE BEACHUM    [crotchety old hag] Wazzatcher got vere?  Ye call vem leeks?  TED    Best t'be had.  Yon t'were parky summer.  [best to be had.  It was a cold summer] BEACHUM    Hmm.  Right, leave em on block.  SOUND    RUNNING FEET COME IN JAMES    [breathless from off] Eyup! TED    Eyup?  Why'rt thee so sharp?  [hello?  What's wrong?] JAMES    Maister Finch an't lads! They'm gripped!  [Finch and the guys!  They've been grabbed] TED    Thas doolally, thee!  [you're crazy!] JAMES    Nay!  us were without't house; Fitch went in wi Scabby Bill, Pikey--  [no!  We were at the house, and they went in--] TED    [snort] All save thee?  Get on.  [everyone but you?  Nonsense!] JAMES    Shouts!  And vices.  Them logmen.  But else ain mair.  I'm thought as that's black tidins, me, so I have a squint, and them're all sat like bairns in skoil, with old scratch hisself stood about in catflap johnnies, wavin a pair of irons and fit to beat seven sorts of shite out of 'em.  [Shouts!  And voices!  Those loggers.  But that's not all.  I figured that sounded bad, so I peeked in, and they were all sitting like kids in school, with the devil standing over them in longjohns, waving a pair of guns and ready to beat the crap out of them] TED    [decisive, grim] Roust old Git.  Say tis knockin up time.  [go wake up Old git.  Tell him to get everyone moving.] FADE SOUND    EATING, SPOON THROWN DOWN LARS    [disgusted noise]  [this tastes terrible.] [Det här smakar hemskt.] ARN    [They better be getting her back.  You cook very badly.] [De bättre att få henne tillbaka. Du tillagar mycket dåligt.] LARS    [What do you expect?] [Vad förväntar du dig?] KJELL    [Quiet down!  It will not kill you.] [Tysta ner! Det kommer inte döda dig.]  SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN FREDEK    [out of breath] [Come quickly!  Something has happened!] [Kom snabbt! Någonting har hänt!] SWEDES    [Excited responses - please all record the following, I will mix] [my god!] Herregud! [What happened?!] Vad hände? [Where is Oly?] Var är Oly? [Let's get em!]  Låt oss få dem! SOUND    CLATTER OF DISHES, BENCHES SCRAPE     FADE LEM    Don't try and buffalo me, lads.  I know you all are speakin some kinda English, and YOU, SCABBY BILL    Me? LEM    Ayup.  I heerd you.  You talk purt near normal.  Normal fer Englanders leastways. FANSHAW    Oh, thank you VERY much. SCABBY BILL    [deep over the top thick accent] Nae, Maister.  [quoting a song] Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw thee, On Il-kley Moor bar-ta--at? Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw thee? Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw thee? LEM    Cut that out.  This ain't no game, feller.  Lessen you're hankerin to see a mighty dustup, I truly suggest you take off the feathers and help me untie this knot y'all've wound. SCABBY BILL    [considering] Hmm. PIKEY    Wazzat?  Knots 'n feathers? SCABBY BILL    Nay mitherin, lad. [no worrying, lad.]  [up, clearer]  What thee rightly asking, there, "fellow"? DOC    While yer jawin, Mr. Roberts, Why don't you have a seat?  Never saw a man could sway like 'at, while his hands was set in granite. LEM    Sore as it is to own up to weakness, I think a chair would be right fine right about now. SOUND    CHAIR SCRAPE LEM    [sighs as he sits] EZRA    [distant] Mr. Fanshaw? FANSHAW    I am summoned.  You seem to be handling things. LEM    [quiet] uh-huh. MRS. DOC    If yer all set on hospitality, perhaps these gentlemen will let me set some water on to heat? PIKEY    Wha? SCABBY BILL     Lass says tea mayhap. PIKEY    Ta! MRS. DOC    [slowly, with sound effects, to the Swedes]  I heat water [glug glug] to drink [slurp] warm. OLY    [quizzical] ya? MRS. DOC    Well.  I'll just be in the kitchen, then.  SOUND    WALKS OUT LEM    Checkin' her biscuits. DOC    [chuckles]     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE EZRA    Mr. Fanshaw!  There's folks coming up on you. FANSHAW    From where? EZRA    There! FANSHAW    The loggers? EZRA    And there! FANSHAW    Oh, blast.      FADE DOC    [whispered] Mr. Roberts, tea's all well and good, but fer really makin peace, I cain't fault whiskey.  LEM    [undertone] Save it fer after.  Leave 'em sober til they agree. [up]  You, what's yer name, anyway? SCABBY BILL    Bill.  LEM    No dancin now - tell me about this woman. SCABBY BILL    [sigh]  T'owd lass.  Nae laikin'.  [clears his throat]   She weren't happy wit' them tree trunks.  Nowt speak proper, now t'one has gone.  LEM    What's her name? SCABBY BILL    Mrs. Beamish. LEM    Mrs.?  Doc? DOC    I ain't never seen her. SCABBY BILL    Widder.  LEM    Ayeah.  So Missus Beamish is from England, like you fellers? SCABBY BILL    Nae, London, her'm. SOUND    FANSHAW ENTERS FANSHAW    [breathless] Lem!  More are on their way, both sides. LEM    But she talks like you. SCABBY BILL    [snort of laughter] Nay!  She've an accent.  FANSHAW    [surprised laugh] LEM    But you-- [take a breath to speak, but is intrupted] SCABBY BILL    But mair like than nowt like.  Can cal [rhymes with pal] six of seven, as may be.  Talk. FANSHAW    [warning] Lem, I know it's a bad time-- LEM    So she favors y'all, cuz she kin talk to you? SCABBY BILL    Aye. OLY    [Did they say what they did?] LEM    [slow] I'm asking.  [muttred]  Dunno what's'a gonna happen when I haveta explain. FANSHAW    Lem, I'll come back and let you know when they are close enough to be a danger. LEM    That's right fine.      FADE SOUND    Moving through underbrush KJELL    Det är huset!  [There is the house!] LARS    Finns det någon död?  [Are there any dead?] FREDEK    Jag såg ingen. [I saw none.] LARS    Oly?  Var såg du honom? [Oly?  Where did you see him?] FREDEK    Jag ser ljus! I fönstret! [I see light!  In the window!] KJELL    Tyst! [Be quiet.]     FADE TED    Thas t'house? JAMES    Eh, by gum.  Us gang thru t'winder. [we went in through the window] OLD GIT    Winder wooded oop.  [window is covered in wood] JAMES    [disparagin] Winder at back.   TED    See owt o't'lads?  [see anything of the guys?] JAMES    Within? OLD GIT    Tha reckon, young-en?  TED    [musing] Tis goin' dahn't nick, appen as not.  [this is all going to hell, like]     FADE MUTTERING DISCUSSIONS AMONG BOTH GROUPS MRS. DOC    Drink.  It's more broth. LEM    Thankee kindly, ma'am.  All this jawin is plumb wearin me thin. DOC    I think you've takin the edge off, anyways.  Ain't no one looking fit to kill, no more. LEM    At's a wonder.  [sips, ahhh.] DOC    But I worry about you, feller.  Soon as can, you're for bed, and I'll need ta check them wounds. LEM    I cain't wish fer more.  [up, to Mrs.] Thankee ma'am.  Maybe a touch more? MRS. DOC    Of course. SOUND    BUSTLES OFF LEM    [quiet] Spect this's a bad time to say I'm a-hearin voices outside again? DOC    What the blazes! LEM    shh.  I think both have reinforcements comin.  We needs to shove some peaceable down all their throats - and right quick, before a range war starts out yonder. SCABBY BILL    [clears throat]  We are ready to cry off.  And make some talk.  Nowt gi' up, but sort this - hosses fer yows.  [not giving up, but want to negotiate - horses for ewes] LEM    Sounds like a good start.  You? OLY    Ya?  [No fighting.  Talk.  Somehow.] DOC    Does that sounds peaceble enough? LEM    I'm fair hopeful. [up] Bill?  Go tell yer men to rein it in.  [correcting] uh, step back.  They's comin from out there. SCABBY BILL    Flippin 'eck!  Ah'm barn.  [flippin heck! I'm going] SOUND    a couple of steps, DOOR OPENS SCABBY BILL    [off, fading]  Lads!  LEM    Oly, your turn, old son.  [slowly, with gestures] Go stop your'n. OLY    Ya.  SOUND    FEET, DOOR LEM    [clearly weakening] Doc, go and yell fer that Bill feller - tell him to bring Mrs. Beamish along here.  See what you can do anyway. DOC    Let me take them guns, first, yer gone all pale and fit to drop 'em LEM    I'll set em down myself. SOUND    METAL ON WOOD LEM    [quiet] Don't fret.  Th'ain't even loaded. DOC    Well, I'll be! LEM    I doubt me I got the strength left to hold guns and bullets.  Now catch 'em up and get that woman here. END    

A quirk of fate brings both Lem and Fanshaw face to face with people from their pasts.  disagreeable reunions bring up disagreeable memories, and show a taste of what makes a man into a gunslinger. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid -  J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson ~~~~~~ Grisham - Bill Hollweg  (BrokenSea Audio) Lisette Carmichael - Robyn Keyes Commander Bannington -  Glen Hallstrom Scotty - Mike Campbell Other Voices: Episode 1 Bartender - Rick Lewis Episode 2 Townsfolks - Mark Olson, Candace Behuniak, Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 3 Juliet - Alexa Chipman (Imagination Lane) Glen Hallstrom Episode 4 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Piedmont - Russell Gold Mr. Roberts - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Episode 5 Nanny - Jennifer Dixon Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 6 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Mark & Connor Olson Russell Gold Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson   No gunshots herald his approach.  No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. ******************************************************************   Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 1 MUSIC 1_ARRIVAL SOUND HORSES, RIVER, BOAT TRAFFIC LEM Largest town I been near in a good passel of time.  I hear tell it started out as a frontier fort, but the frontier moseyed west and left it a-setting behind. FANSHAW Will it be safe? LEM Safe? FANSHAW I had rather assumed you were avoiding larger towns.  For ... notoriety's sake. LEM Meaning I don't want be invited to a necktie party?  'at's part of it, though I'm purty sure I ain't never been posted in this territory.  FANSHAW Is it worth the risk? LEM [shrug noise]  Time to time a man wants a bath and a night in a bed. FANSHAW There are some distinct benefits to being deceased. LEM [laughs]    I don't gotta listen to you bellyaching about aches and pains and sleeping on the ground no more.  Never mind being all prissy and citified about finding you a comf'table bush now and then-- FANSHAW [rolling eyes]  Yes, yes. LEM Sides, I'm outta coffee.  And low on shells.  FANSHAW [teasing] Heavens.  How DO you manage? 2_STROLLING AMB IN TOWN SOUND WALKING ON WOOD LEM Lotta trade hereabouts.  Reckon I'll be able to get what all I need. FANSHAW Lem!  LEM [voice low]    We'll go on over yonder.  [beat] Must still be a fort within spitting distance.  FANSHAW I did notice that the old fortification appears to have become the mansion for an authority of some kind.  LEM Probly best to get my business done and skeddaddle. SOUND SALOON DOOR OPENS, JUST OFF, PEOPLE COME OUT FANSHAW I say.  Isn't it a bit early for a drink? LEM [shrug] Three weeks.  Don't seem early to me. FANSHAW I'll-- LISETTE [off a bit] Clary? FANSHAW [stunned and horrified] Oh god. LISETTE [off a bit] Clary?  I'd know that voice anywhere! LEM Friend o'yourn? FANSHAW [stiff, covering]  Old acquaintance.  Go on ahead! LEM 3_SALOON SOUND HE WALKS INTO SALOON AMB SALOON LEM One here. SOUND DRINK POURED BARTENDER There you go. SOUND COINS SOUND LEM DRINKS GRISHAM [angry growl] Lemuel Roberts. LEM [SPIT-TAKE] SOUND GLASS SLAMMED DOWN BARTENDER Something wrong, fella? LEM [coughing, trying to clear his throat]    Hit like a snakebite. GRISHAM You look at me, you pissant slab of gun leather. BARTENDER [sympathetic] Tarnation.  You need it yonked?  Barber can‑‑ LEM [finally getting clear] No, no.  I kin handle it.  SOUND COINS, GLASS DOWN LEM   And sorry about the-- BARTENDER [dismissive] Ain't no nevermind. SOUND MORE COINS LEM Give me the bottle. GRISHAM Now I found you, you could float a heap o rotgut and won't never drown me! BARTENDER You drink more careful now, you hear? LEM 4_LISETTE AMB OUTSIDE LISETTE [close, laughing] Oh, good lord, look at you!  Mustache and all.  Aren't you a little brigadier? FANSHAW [acknowledging] Carmichael. LISETTE Oh, how formal.  Just like at school.  What have you been up to Clary, dear? FANSHAW "Fanshaw," if you please. LISETTE And we used to be such chums.  However did you end up here? FANSHAW I'm quite sorry to see that you are dead, Carmichael. LISETTE [laughing] Oh, I rather doubt that!  You're only very sad to see that I'm here, aren't you? FANSHAW Would you prefer that I said I am pleased to find that you died, since that would be the only circumstance that could ever have stopped you from tormenting every living soul around you? LISETTE [not amused any more]  At least that would be closer to the truth. FANSHAW Jolly good.  Happy you're dead.  Must get along. LISETTE Don't run off so quickly, Clary!  FANSHAW [long breath of self-control]  LISETTE There's been no one interesting to talk to or listen in on for simply ages.  FANSHAW How unfortunate.  Must rush. LISETTE I noticed you speaking to that fellow. FANSHAW [quiet] Bloody hell.  [up]  I speak to a lot of people. LISETTE I'm sure.  But he replied.  Might I speak with him as well? FANSHAW I-- LISETTE Oh, just watch your face!  You're trying desperately to come up with a lie!  You never could hide anything from me, mustache or no mustache, silly Clary-- FANSHAW Stop calling me that. LISETTE Oh, how I've missed these little moments with my dearest friends - ever since I made the leap.  I shall have to spend a great deal of time with you - and with your rugged looking friend.  FANSHAW [gritted teeth] Jolly good. 5_SALOON2 AMB SALOON SOUND LEM DRINKS, SLAMS DOWN GLASS GRISHAM I know you kin hear me, you toad-bellied worm. SOUND CHAIR SHIFTS, KICKED OUT FROM TABLE LEM [low] Sit. GRISHAM What makes you think I'd sit with you?  You done went and killed me! LEM That's one reason I'm plumb surprised to see you.  You went down all the way to Fayetteville - damn far north o' here. GRISHAM I ... drifted. LEM That's just what's got me hornswoggled.  Ain't no one drifts. GRISHAM Well I did, and I's planning to get you back for what you done, one way or t'other. LEM [sigh] SOUND DRINK POURS 6_PIGS SOUND PIGS LEM Why'd you drag me out to the slaughterhouse? FANSHAW That woman - ghost woman. LEM An old flame? FANSHAW Nonsense!  We knew each other as ... children.  She is-- [changing the subject] She is unlikely to follow us here.  LEM Spect not.  Womenfolks ain't fond of this sort of messy business. FANSHAW [disgusted] Yes... LEM So?  You'd best'a brought me here fer a reason. FANSHAW Lisette Carmichael.  She [hard to say] is a person who likes to know things.  About other people.  She likes to -- LEM Hold a grudge?  Like a noose over yer head? FANSHAW Aptly put.    LEM You cain't have much in the way of dark secrets, though, can you?  Leastways not no more. FANSHAW You might be surprised. LEM Who's she a-gonna tell?  [realizes] Oh.  FANSHAW And while I'm fairly certain you think you could overlook any past indiscretion on my  part, I don't doubt there are a few things that might shock even you.  Lord knows, she's not even above the occasional fabrication. LEM [after a moment]  Did it involve a sheep? FANSHAW What? LEM Whatever it was you done. FANSHAW   It isn't - it's not like that at all. LEM [shrug] Sounds like we should jest ride on out. FANSHAW What? LEM Got my coffee, ain't no reason to lollygag. FANSHAW You would leave?  Over this? LEM I figger you saved m'life more'n once, and ain't much I can do in return.  SOUND WALKING IN MUD LEM Let's get gone before you start a-thanking me. 7_BARN AMB BARN SOUND TACK, HORSES, ETC. LEM You distract her, I'll get the gear.  Come and find me when you feel the pull. FANSHAW Righty-ho.  SOUND LEAVES GRISHAM Running away, eh?  Allus knew you'ure yella. LEM [sigh]  You're lucky ain't no one about but us.  Otherwise, I wouldn’t dignify none of that with an answer. GRISHAM You kilt me! LEM We had it out, fair and square.  I never shot no one in-- [breaks off, a bit choked up]  I never din't kill any one not a-gunning fer me.  Not on purpose. SOUND LAST BIT OF TACKING UP GRISHAM Are you saying I was asking fer it? LEM I seem to recall you a-calling me out in the middle of a fairish game of cards.  Yellin blue bloody murder that I should step out and face you. GRISHAM Well, yeah, but I was drunk. LEM I din't do THAT to you neither.  You called me out, without no good reason agin me. GRISHAM [losing some of his bluster] I fancied making a name for myself. SOUND LEM GETS INTO THE SADDLE LEM By shooting the Kid?  You ain't the first. GRISHAM But you still kilt me. LEM And I won't never forget none of it, but you got what you asked for, and not a jot more.  Blame providence if you cain't blame yerself, but don't put this guilt on me.  Hee-yaw! SOUND RIDES OFF 8_DISTRACTION FANSHAW Lisette? LISETTE There you are!  Just like a naughty boy, running off to filthy places to get away. FANSHAW So sorry.  Didn't have much choice.  My friend is quite fascinated by... hogs. LISETTE Did you make a clean breast of it?  Or just warn him not to believe a thing I say?  FANSHAW You don't understand what you're threatening to do - you never did.  LISETTE So bothered over trifles!  How much people change! FANSHAW Ruining someone's life never meant anything to you!  Do you recall poor Selfridge? LISETTE Carmela?  Served her right.  FANSHAW She threw herself off a bridge! LISETTE She also let herself be compromised!  I didn't put her in the family way, and she was the one lying and hiding-- FANSHAW Are you trying to imply that you are somehow in the right?  A champion of truth? LISETTE Shall I point out what it is you are doing that flies in the face of nature? FANSHAW History is replete with-- LISETTE Oh, spare me.  Next you'll be quoting Shakespeare. FANSHAW Very well.  I shan't try and justify myself, but I will point out that whatever I am doing, it cannot be changed.  Being dead, there's not much one can do about such trifles. LISETTE Then why should it be such a catastrophe were I to tell? FANSHAW [beat] You've never had a real friend, only people who fawned on you in order that you would not reveal their shortcomings.  LISETTE [outraged] I--?  You--! FANSHAW Kindly allow me to finish.  There is a certain camaraderie among men that simply does not - cannot - occur once a woman is involved.  Once you put your nose in, I fear it would never be quite the same. LISETTE No doubt.  I'll just go and find your friend now, shall I? FANSHAW [strange gasp, ending on a laugh]  No, but I think I shall. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVING NOISE CLOSING         Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 2 1_MOSEYING AMB OPEN COUNTRYSIDE, nighttime SOUND HORSES WALKING LEM I still cain't reckon how he got so far from where he-- I-- where we had it out. FANSHAW How odd.  Have you ever encountered other ghosts who could travel? LEM Present comp'ny only. FANSHAW And we know the how and why of that.  Perhaps this fellow has a similar... arrangement? LEM How?  And who with?  Ain't no one would carry that ugly cuss a dog's walk, let alone some hundred miles. FANSHAW Well, every one of we "spirits" seems to be a bit different. LEM Like your lady friend back there? FANSHAW [sigh] From her current appearance and [disapproving] "costume", she had fallen on ‑ahem- hard times indeed.  Possibly drifted west - whilst alive - in hopes of making something better for herself.  LEM Lot of people can say that, out this way. FANSHAW [a bit snotty] Frankly I'm not surprised at her misfortune.  When you alienate all those around you, no one will step in to help if things take a turn for the worse. LEM Cain't say I ain't never been that fella. FANSHAW [chagrined] Oh.  MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK NOTE Lem is younger, more cocky, more superior in the falshback - need to really show who he used to be 2_THE OLD KID AMB SALOON LEM Gimme two. SOUND CARDS LEM [pleased noise]  I'll see you and raise-- SOUND CROWD HUSHES GRISHAM [snarling declaration] I hear tell the Deadeye Kid's here in town? LEM [ignoring him, smug] Raise ten. DEALER [shaky] Uh, Kid? GRISHAM Which one o' y'all's sposed to be this weasel? LEM Your call. PLAYER1 [shaky] Um...  I fold. LEM [chuckles] PATRON1 How can he--? Patron2 Shh! SOUND HEAVY SPURRED BOOTS CROSS FLOOR, PEOPLE SCUTTLE OUT OF WAY GRISHAM [heavy menace]  You the deadeye kid? LEM [offhanded] I'm the man playing a nice civil hand of cards.  Mebbe you can hold your hosses there, whistle stomper. GRISHAM Either you come out and face me now, or I swear'n I'm gonna shoot you where you sit. SOUND CHAIRS SCOOTING OUT, PEOPLE LEAVING TABLE LEM [long dramatic sigh]  Now that sounds a mite like a threat. PLAYER1 [muttered] Uh, yeah.  I'm done.  Fergot my wife wants me home. GRISHAM Are you coming, or am I shooting? LEM If everyone's takin' leg, I guess I win by forfeit? DEALER Um, I don't think anyone's gonna argue you on that. GRISHAM You turn around now and face me, you yellow bellied dog! SOUND MONEY BEING SHOVED TOGETHER LEM Give the frog a chance to jump, knuckles.  Cain't just leave all this layin around. SOUND G's GUN DRAWN AND COCKED GRISHAM Now! LEM [to dealer, cocky] You'll look after this til I get back? DEALER .. certainly. GRISHAM I'll do it!  I will! SOUND CHAIR SLOWLY MOVES, LEM'S SPUR-STEPS, STANDS LEM Rightchere in front of all these good folks?  And leave the dealer to clean up the mess?  [tsks]  Let's at least be civilized and take this on outside. 3_EASIER MUSIC BACK TO NOW SOUND HORSES WALKING FANSHAW Seems as if it would be a great deal easier. LEM Whazzat? FANSHAW Shooting someone in the back. LEM And killin a chicken's easier than takin down a buffalo, but ain't a thing to swell over.  Ain't no pride in the easy way.  FANSHAW Backshooting would gain you notoriety just as quickly. LEM It's all about how folks look at you... and how they see you. MUSIC BACK TO FLASHBACK 4_WARMUP GRISHAM Are you stepping? LEM What flavor of tarantula juice got you fit to wake snakes?  Milk?  [insulting that he can't hold his liquor] GRISHAM [furious noise]  I got a pill to run you on, and I'm gonna chew back every moment of it. LEM [to the crowd] Righchere's a rumbustious fellow for you.  SOUND DRINKS DOWN HIS LIQUOR, SLAMS IT DOWN LEM Barkeep?  Have me a shot of top mark waitin. SOUND WALKS OUT, SLOWLY GRISHAM You look at me while I'm a talking to you! LEM [walking out] You say somethin' more wheat than chaff, mebbe I will. 5_RATTLING FANSHAW Were you trying to upset his equilibrium? LEM What's that when it's at home? FANSHAW uh - Throw him off - make him upset and more likely to make mistakes. LEM   Yup.  There's as much head as hand in a proper showdown.  Not that this was one o' them. FANSHAW Why not?  He called you out. LEM He was halfway round on rotgut.  Not a nugget's chance agin me.  Even if he had all his [careful] equilibriums about him. FANSHAW But you stepped out with him?  Even knowing he had no chance? LEM A'course.  He wouldn't take no.  Drunk fellers who ain't gettin their way are as likely to shoot just about anyone.  I reckoned I was a-helpin, putting him down. FANSHAW [a bit touchy] And you couldn't simply injure him or knock him out - he had to die? LEM Ain't no place for fine feelins when there's a man with a gun a-facin you.  And ain't no time to aim all purty and shoot him just so.  You hit hard and put him down, cause if you don't, he'll do it to you.  That's the part you cain't get away from - one or t'other's likely for boot hill, and you GOTTA face it that way. 6_SHOWDOWN MUSIC BACK TO FLASHBACK SOUND OUTSIDE NOW GRISHAM You ready? LEM Why trouble yerself to call me out anyhow?  I kill someone yer riled over? GRISHAM [duh] Yer the Deadeye Kid! LEM [duh] Yep.  [beat] That's your sole entire reason?  You wanna walk in my boots? GRISHAM No faster way to make a name, than laying out a name. SOUND THEY MOVE TO EITHER SIDE OF THE SOUNDSCAPE SOUND GUN BEING CHECKED, LEM LEM And o'course it gots to be a callout.  [digsut, sarcasm] No one wants to be the next Robert Ford.  [man who backshot his friend Jesse James] GRISHAM Come on!  Kick it up, Deadeye!  Less'n yer yellow! SOUND LEM - DIRT PATTERS - checking the wind] LEM [maddenginly cool] Oh.  I'm ripe and ready to drop. SOUND TENSION NOISE, CROWD NOISE, THEN SUDDEN FLURRY OF GUNFIGHT. SOUND G - BODY DROP SOUND LEM - GUN INTO HOLSTER.  A MOMENT.  FEET WALK BACK UP INTO SALOON 7_ENJOY MUSIC BACK TO NOW FANSHAW [relenting a bit] I suppose it's very like being in battle - not a good place to have consideration for the other fellow. LEM Have to ice over that pond.  Hard and cold.  Hard and cold. FANSHAW I- I do apologize for sounding disapproving.  I want to assure you, it's the process that... well... seems so very pointless. LEM [a litle lighter] Men'll be men. FANSHAW But men can behave in a civilized manner!  Look at we Brits. LEM [grunt - half laugh half dismissive] FANSHAW Do you enjoy it? LEM [very mixed feelings] Enjoy? FANSHAW Throughout history there have been men who reveled in killing, in battle. LEM   [musing] There's a fire that burns you at that moment, like bugs in the skin. LEM S'like the best whiskey and the moment you almost fall off a cliff, and being with the love of your life, all at the same damn time.  FANSHAW The thrill of danger? LEM That, but even more so.  If'n you just want danger, you go climbin cliffs or breakin broncs.  This is starin into the eyes of death - death right there and then and ain't no "maybe so" about it.  Kill or be killed.  [beat, then not quite truthful]  Enjoy?    FANSHAW Sometimes a person's strength is in making the right choice, even when it might pain them to do so. LEM I reckon. 8_WINNER MUSIC FLASH BACK AMB INSIDE SALOON, HUSHED SOUND GUNSHOT, OUTSIDE WOMAN [gasps] SOUND [CROWD NOISE, OUTSIDE], THEN OMINOUS BOOTS ON WOOD, SALOON DOOR OPENS SOUND PIANO PLAYS, CHATTER BEGINS AGAIN LEM [voiceover]  there's also this way people have of lookin at you - like yer the best.  Used be I din't see the fear beneath it. SOUND BOTTLE POURS, GLASS SET DOWN BARTENDER Your shot, Mister. LEM [drinks big, then bragging] My second shot in two minutes! SOUND Forced laughter from the crowd, warps out a bit. 9_HUNKER MUSIC BACK TO NOW LEM [brisk] It's coming down dusk.  Need to find a place to hunker fer the night. FANSHAW I shall keep an eye out for-- [dread] oh! LEM Whazzat? FANSHAW Look - the horizon! LEM Signal fires, and a lot of em.  FANSHAW They're a little far off to get a better look at.  We shall... have to return, shan't we? LEM Someone's gotta warn the town.  Whether it's injuns or sumpin else, looks like an ambush on the march. FANSHAW [weakly] Surely the garrison maintains lookouts? LEM Not so much that I saw.  They're purt near closed up shop, from the looks back there.  FANSHAW [heavy sigh]  Right, then.  SOUND DISMOUNT, SHIFTING A FEW THINGS FROM HORSE TO HORSE LEM You worried about your lady friend? FANSHAW She's neither a lady nor a friend.  But whatever she might have to say will matter to none but me.  [change of tone]  We are a couple of hours out. LEM Horses ain't fresh, but I weren't pushin.  We can get back before them out there can get into spittin distance. SOUND MOUNT OTHER HORSE FANSHAW [resigned but determined] Shall we? MUSIC     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 3 1_WONT SPOOK SOUND READYING FOR BATTLE LEM If'n you got a fresh horse, I kin go scout some fer you. COMMANDER You've done enough already, stranger.  Ain't even your fight. LEM I know where they're at, and I got some idea of where they're likely to be by the time I get back there.  Give me one horse ain't like to spook, and I'll-- COMMANDER I'll have to send a man along with you. LEM That's fine.  Make sure he ain't like to spook neither. 2_LISETTE SOUND [above scene plays out in the background] LISETTE And here I thought you had run away and left me all alone.  FANSHAW [sigh] Why don't we step outside to have this conversation? LISETTE   I like seeing what the "menfolk" are up to.  [frustrated noise] What I wouldn’t give to be able to leave this rattletrap town.  I'm still not sure how you did that.  Or why you came back. FANSHAW We had to warn the garrison. LISETTE Always full of suprises, aren't you - and yet still sanctimonious.  Fanshaw, dear old chum.  Are you not afraid of what I might say? FANSHAW Any concern you might cause me is negligible when weighed against the potential danger to others. LISETTE [surprised laugh]  Hah!  All you superior little snobs, with your noses in the air!  And deep down, all just as afraid as the rest of us. FANSHAW I've no idea what you're talking about, and I don't care to find out.  Whatever you plan to do, just get on with it.  We have a job to do. LISETTE Wait! FANSHAW [long sigh]  Yes? LISETTE Shall I wish you "good luck"? FANSHAW I doubt I shall need any.  But I thank you for the sentiment, Miss Carmichael, however grudgingly bestowed. 3_JULIET FLASHBACK JULIET Romeo, doff thy name, And for that name which is no part of thee Take all myself. FANSHAW I take thee at thy word: Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized; Henceforth I never will be Romeo. JULIET What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night So stumblest on my counsel? ROMEO By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am: My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself-- SOUND POUNDING LISETTE Oh heavens!  Not again! MAN [calling from off] Sorry. SOUND POUNDING STOPS LISETTE Try that scene again from the top.  Romeo? FANSHAW [sigh] Yes? LISETTE Couldn't you try to be a bit more ... masculine? JULIET Oh, I like "him".  So terribly byronic. FANSHAW I'll see what I can do. 4_SCOTTY SOUND PACKING A HORSE SCOTTY Sir? LEM Yeah? SCOTTY Private Scott.  Commander Bennington told me to report to you. LEM [sigh] Right.  You ever shot that for real? SCOTTY O'course. LEM Against a person? SCOTTY Well, against animals. LEM GRISHAM Not everyone can be you. LEM [sighs] SCOTTY Don't you worry!  I ain't afraid! GRISHAM This pullet ain't even got pinfeathers yet.  You get him killed, you gonna adda a notch fer him too? LEM You got a horse, Scott? SCOTTY Everyone calls me Scotty. GRISHAM Later, they'll just call him dead. LEM   Right.  You gotta horse? SCOTTY Over there. GRISHAM [rueful] My damn horse.  Serving in the army like the rest of the idjets.  LEM Well, go and get'im. SCOTTY Right, sir! GRISHAM Ain't he a little young?  You should oughtta throw him back. LEM I'm stuck with him.  And I never kept notches. GRISHAM That ain't what I heered. LEM Lot o' tales goin round - ain't a one of 'em naught but sagebrush smoke. GRISHAM And the tale 'bout how you kilt me? LEM [sharp intake] I don't brag on none o' that no more. GRISHAM So, you think I like being plumb forgot? LEM If I thought tellin about it would ease you on to the next thing, you think I wouldn't? SCOTTY Tell me about what?  Injuns?  [certain] I know all about them. LEM [sigh] 5_SCOUTING AMB CRICKETS SOUND HORSES FANSHAW They're still out of range.  I can just barely catch snippets of sound at my farthest reach, but I'm fairly certain it is not Indians. LEM Hmm? FANSHAW I can make out English and Spanish.  Are we anywhere near the Mexico territories? LEM [quiet] Ain't impossible.  Deserters, mebbe. SCOTTY What ain't impossible? LEM We're gettin close.  Best to go on foot.  SCOTTY These here horses are my responsibility! LEM Best you stay and watch'em, then.  FANSHAW Don't forget the satchel. SOUND CREAK LEM Like I'd forget that. SCOTTY I wouldna gone through your kit or nothin!  I ain't no finger monkey. FANSHAW [laughs]  I ne'er heard that one before. SOUND REMOVING SPURS LEM Ain't that I don't trust you, son, just might need me some things.  If I was you, I'd take them horses up yonder - forge as far into the high rough as you can, but keep where you can see if I come tearin out of there.  You reckon? SCOTTY How'll you find us? LEM I'll find you.  Just be ready.  And don't shoot me. SOUND QUIET FEET ON DIRT 6_JULIET2 FLASHBACK echoey hallway LISETTE [running up] Fanshaw? FANSHAW LISETTE [trying to start a fight] We've been reconsidering your costume.  Those leggings are positively scandalous. FANSHAW [bland] Romeo can hardly appear in bloomers.  Would be rather difficult to climb to the balcony. LISETTE Perhaps plain trousers, then.  [sly] Though I understand you were quite keen on showing off your legs. FANSHAW [rueful] There is a great deal to be said for the freedom of movement.  [dismissive] But a costume is a costume.  I certainly shan't make a fuss. LISETTE [annoyed at not being able to get a rise out of F] Very well. 7_FANSHAW SCOUTS SOUND SLIGHT RUSTLE OF LEAVES LEM [very quiet] Close enough? FANSHAW I'll have a look round.  SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM [very loud] You hiding from something? LEM [reaction noise, quickly stifled] GRISHAM Ooh!  Scairt you, din't I? LEM [whispered] Made me jump damn near out my skin. GRISHAM [smug and evil] Well that's good, then.  Looks like I can get my own back on you. LEM What all do you want? GRISHAM Apart from you in a pine box?  I'm hankerin to be alive agin, but that ain't gon happen. LEM Not likely, nope.  How'd you follow us? GRISHAM What kind of tenderfoot you take me for that I can't follow my own damn horse? LEM [half realizing something] Damn. SOUND FANSHAW COMES BACK FANSHAW Who the devil is this? GRISHAM Who the devil are you? LEM What'd ya find out? FANSHAW A motley crew, but definitely girding themselves for battle.  GRISHAM What kinda girlie man are ya?  Highfaluting slicker talk! FANSHAW [sigh, but determined] They're half mounted already, but I could make out that they're waiting til after midnight, to make certain of finding as many people abed as possible. GRISHAM Put you in a dress, and I bet everyone'd wanna dance! FANSHAW We need to get moving. GRISHAM I think you need a shave, girlie man. SOUND KNIFE FANSHAW [finally breaking concentration] God damn you all to hell! SOUND PUNCH, KNEE TO GROIN LEM [trying not to laugh] GRISHAM FANSHAW Marquis of Queensbury be damned.  We need to go. GRISHAM [different kind of ooooh - like he's falling, or being dragged off] SOUND SUCK NOISE AND GRISHAM VANISHES LEM What'd you do to him? FANSHAW I didn't!  I couldn't-- I... haven't the faintest idea?  8_JULIET3 SOUND TAP ON DOOR LISETTE Fanshaw? FANSHAW Come in. LISETTE I've brought you your hat-- whatever are you doing? FANSHAW I was considering what I might do with my hair.  To create the right ilusion. LISETTE That is what the HAT is for. FANSHAW I prefer not.  It looks like an ottoman on my head.  LISETTE And Romeo does not wear a moustache. FANSHAW Whyever not? LISETTE On the stage, moustaches are only for villains and army colonels! FANSHAW [considering] I might just cut my hair. LISETTE That is the final straw!  Miss Peabody said this would happen. FANSHAW What? LISETTE That you would take too many liberties.  You are out. FANSHAW Out? LISETTE [snidely satisfied] You are no longer a member of this production. 9_DEAD SCOTT SOUND QUIET BOOTSTEPS LEM [very quiet] Scotty? FANSHAW [off a bit] Oh, good god. LEM Do I need to keep quiet? FANSHAW I don't see anyone.  .. hostile. SOUND QUICK, NOISIER FOOTSTEPS SCOTTY [as if waking up] Oooh! LEM What is--  [tragic regret] Ohh. SCOTTY They come in out of nowheres! FANSHAW I don't doubt it. SCOTTY And they took the damn horses, Mister Roberts! FANSHAW I think that just might explain-- SCOTTY And who in blue blazes is this feller? LEM [heavy sigh]  CLOSING       Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 4 1_DROP EVERYTHING SOUND UNBUCKLING, BAG DOWN, ETC. LEM Good thing I had that with me.   Though now I gotta leave it. SOUND SATCHEL DOWN FANSHAW Of course. SCOTTY I'm really sorry about this, sir. LEM I doubt me you coulda stopped it, son.  And you been punished enough. SCOTTY What do you mean?  They musta knocked me out, but I don't even feel it. FANSHAW I'll deal with him. LEM I'll leave you to it.  SCOTTY What are you doing? LEM Gonna haveta hoof it back to town - cain't take naught but my guns.  You gon' be all right? SOUND RUSTLE OF BUSHES FANSHAW Well, we won't be able to do much to stop them if they came across your bag, but that looks like a good hiding place.  Especially in the dark. SCOTTY Can't do anything?  What are you talking about?  FANSHAW Hush, Scotty.  Let Lem get moving and we'll have a good long talk. SOUND BOOTS RUN OFF 2_REBEL CAMP SOUND MANY HORSES, MEN CHATTER, etc. SOUND GRISHAM STUMBLES IN GRISHAM Where the hell?   [Thunder?]!  Goddam rustlers!  SOUND MEN WALK BY LEADER Two horses, two saddles.  I don't like it. SECOND Guerrero had the kid down before we realized.  But if there's another scout, he won't be able to get anywhere - at least not soon enough.   LEADER [thinks, then definite] We must move up the charge. SECOND We're nearly ready.  3_NO HEAVEN SCOTTY [trying not to cry] So that's IT?  I mean this is it?  No nothing left?  No heaven? FANSHAW There are so many things even I don't understand.  I wish I could offer you more in the way of consolation. SCOTTY But don’t no one ever pass along? FANSHAW Most do.  And I'm even aware of those who spend some time like this, and then pass on, though there's no easy answer for how or why it happens. SCOTTY And I won’t never even get to be with a woman. FANSHAW [uncomfortable] Oh, dear.  That is a shame. SCOTTY What's it like? FANSHAW [dread] What is ... what... like? SCOTTY Being with a woman? FANSHAW ... 4_RUNNING LEM [heavy but measured breathing] SOUND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS - TROT, NOT DASH LEM [muttered] Dammit.  Leastways there's a good moon. 4A_FLASHBACK MUSIC FLASHBACK SOUND NIGHT, DOGS, CHICKENS - ALARUMS SOUND ANGRY MOB, OFF ROBERTS [yelling, off]  Leastways, there's a good moon!  PIEDMONT [up close, heavy breathing, trying to be quiet] ROBERTS [off, yelling]  Spread out!  Don't let that traitor get away!  Where's that rope? PIEDMONT [gasp, then trying to breathe even quieter] SOUND VERY SLOW CREAK, SHUTTING DOOR ON THE NOISE. YOUNG LEM [about 12] Whatchoo doin', mister? PIEDMONT [terrible gasp, smothers a scream] 6_EXPERIENCE FANSHAW My experience is not ... vast, but I have had one or two ... romantic encounters. SCOTTY Well, you're a man of the world, ain't you?  You been all over the place! FANSHAW Oh dear.  [up]  I've spent most of my life deep in study.  I suppose I've always felt there would be time - later - to settle down to a family and all.  SCOTTY Me too.  Not the studying, but the ... "later". FANSHAW [after a moment]  Women are.... soft. SCOTTY [eager] Yeah? FANSHAW And round.  In places where men aren't. SCOTTY But they do got legs, don't they? FANSHAW [flabbergasted]  What? SCOTTY You never don't see none of them out of skirts!  Who knows what they got under there? FANSHAW Well, that I can answer - generally, women are made the same as men.  Arms, legs, heads - well, one head.  You understand. SCOTTY [avid] And bosoms. FANSHAW   Yes, that. 7_VARMINT SOUND RUNNING, LEM'S HEAVY BREATHING UNDER THIS? PIEDMONT Shh!  Don't let anyone know I am here. YOUNG LEM You the varmint they's looking fer? PIEDMONT There is no call to use such language, boy.  Do you know this area? YOUNG LEM I should hope I do!  My pa's Mr. Jorgenson's top man. PIEDMONT [sarcastic] So he's the one leading the search. YOUNG LEM [pride] Yup. SOUND OUTSIDE, THE ROW GETS CLOSER ROBERTS [outside]  Get him, Honeysuckle, there's a good bitch! YOUNG LEM [pride and fear] That's my pa! PIEDMONT But you're not going to tell him I am in here? YOUNG LEM I don't fancy getting whupped.  I ain't sposed to be in the barn at night.  8_YOUNG LOVE FANSHAW I was in love.  When I was very young. SCOTTY Was she really purtty? FANSHAW [sigh] I thought the sun rose and set with my beloved's face.  Have you ever seen hair so fine and blonde that your fingers desperately wanted to touch it? SCOTTY You talk so flowery, I bet all the girls jest love you! FANSHAW Our parents objected.  They said we were too young, and I was packed off to school. SCOTTY What didja do? FANSHAW I waited.  I nursed my deep love, and remained constant, like patience on a rock. SCOTTY You waited on a rock? FANSHAW I waited at school.  I was determined that one day, when we were old enough that no one could object, I would return and we would be joined forever. SCOTTY What happened? FANSHAW I made my way to the object of my affection and...discovered... SCOTTY Yes? FANSHAW That I was the only one who had bothered to wait. SCOTTY She'd gone and -- FANSHAW My "dearest love" had married another.  Had, and I quote "almost forgotten about that summer." SCOTTY Damn!  Women are right terrible. FANSHAW Don't fault women, boy.  There are quite as many constant and sweet-natured females as there are fickle and wicked men.  We all deserve a "heaping helping" of the blame. 8_DISCOVERED SOUND UNDER - LEM WALKING NOW, STILL BREATHING HARD, PACING HIMSELF YOUNG LEM They're fixing to hang you? PIEDMONT YOUNG LEM Why?  What for? PIEDMONT We were on opposite sides in a fight. YOUNG LEM You mean the war?    My pa says why keep slaves when you can hire men for even cheaper and don't have to sell them if'n they don't do the job right. PIEDMONT [incensed] You think your pa knows so much about everything, don't you? YOUNG LEM [a bit afraid] Well, he knows where you are. SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN ROBERTS There he is! MAN Get him! PIEDMONT [scream] SOUND SCUFFLE, KNIFE DRAWN YOUNG LEM [gasp, cut off by hand] PIEDMONT I'll kill your boy, just see if I won't! 10_STUCK SCOTTY You said you know about some folks what was like this for a time and then moved along? FANSHAW   We've encountered one or two. SCOTTY How'd it work? FANSHAW Work? SCOTTY I mean, I don't wanna be stuck out here, middle o' nowhere, all by my lonesome, forever! FANSHAW I don't know that I have an answer for you.  I've only been - like this - for a... a couple of years, myself, and haven't seen a fraction of what Lem has. SCOTTY Years?  You been dead for years and ain't moved on? FANSHAW .. help people.  And I get to see the world - [half pleased, half rueful] hmph... in perfect safety.  11_SHOT SOUND LEM RUNNING AGAIN PIEDMONT [panicky, but trying to be placating] I am going to have to ask you to take a step back, sir!  My hand could slip a fraction of an inch, and that's all it would take.   YOUNG LEM [gasp]  Pa? SOUND GUNSHOT SOUND TWO BODY DROPS ROBERTS [cold] You understand we cain't leave that kind of critter running loose, don't you? 12_BUSINESS FANSHAW Some folks stay because they have unfinished business, and once the business is completed, they are able pass on.  SCOTTY Business?  I ain't never been in business. FANSHAW No, no.  For instance, one young man was able to move along once his murderer was uncovered and hung. SCOTTY   I spose that could happen. FANSHAW Or perhaps when the horses have been recovered, since that was your task at the time of your death. SCOTTY [very down] Oh, right. FANSHAW [cheering]  Or, when the town has been warned.  That could very well have been at the forefront of your thoughts. SCOTTY [wailing] Oh no!  FANSHAW Whatever is the matter? SCOTTY What if it's ladies? FANSHAW [careful] What if what is "ladies"? SCOTTY What if I can't never pass on til I been with a lady? FANSHAW [cold, practical] That would be most extremely awkward.  Worry about that once we find out if you can get back to town or not. 13_WHUPPING YOUNG LEM [sniffles a bit] ROBERTS You crying, boy? YOUNG LEM [stifling it] No sir. ROBERTS   Now run and let Mrs. Roberts have a look at that scratch. SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN TURN YOUNG LEM [blank] You shot him dead. ROBERTS YOUNG LEM In the dark, and on the draw, and din't even hit me. ROBERTS   [beat]  You asking something? YOUNG LEM What if he'd'a kilt me?  Or what if you did? ROBERTS [long pause]  Life's hard, boy.  You cain't let folks get away with wrongdoing, no matter who they got a grip on. YOUNG LEM SOUND BARN DOOR SWINGS OPEN, COUPLE OF STEPS ROBERTS Lem?  YOUNG LEM [almost a gasp] Yessir? ROBERTS [casual] Don't think I'm not gon' whale you for being in the barn by night, neither. [neeether] YOUNG LEM [quiet, resentful] Yes, sir. 14_CRICKET SCOTTY It ain't fair!  I'm being punished and I ain't never even done nothing! FANSHAW Life is not fair.  Death even less so.  SCOTTY I-- FANSHAW [cutting him off] Still, I expect there must be some sort of answer.  SCOTTY Answer? FANSHAW Very likely, when they take your body back to town, you will accompany it, and there will find what you need to do to pass on. SCOTTY What if they don't take it - me back? FANSHAW Lem will see that they do. SCOTTY   And what about you, Mister Fanshaw? FANSHAW What about me? SCOTTY Don't you get to pass on too? FANSHAW   But you see Scotty, I have no wish to. SCOTTY No?  Why? FANSHAW I still have many things to see.  And I feel like I'm doing good here.  There's a story I read some time back, a sort of fable, about a puppet that comes to life. SCOTTY That's crazy talk. FANSHAW That's why it's a story.  In the tale, a cricket is asked to stay with him and make sure he does the right things. SCOTTY All right.  Wait, a cricket, like a bug? FANSHAW A talking bug, but yes, a bug.  SCOTTY That’s just plumb crazy. FANSHAW   [gasp]  Look at the horizon!  I think they are on the move! SCOTTY Is there something we can do? FANSHAW This is one of those times I truly wish there was. CLOSING     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 5 1_COMING SOUND IN TOWN - HORSES, MEN, READYING FOR BATTLE COMMANDER [commands]  We need more shot at the western boundary!  Get someone over there! SOLDIER Yessir! SOUND FEET RUN OFF SHARPLY SOUND DISTANT APPROACH OF PAINED, SLOW RUNNING SOLDIER2 Sir!  Someone's coming!  On foot! COMMANDER On foot?  SENTRY [off] Halt! LEM [breathless, with long gasps] I can't... If I stop...  I'm gon fall down...  And I gotta get to...  The commander. SENTRY Stop, I say! COMMANDER Let him on through. LEM They're a-movin.  Deserters 'n comancheros.  Have guns.  COMMANDER Why are you-- LEM Kilt Scotty.  Took the horses.  Look sharp. Ungh! SOUND FALLS DOWN COMMANDER Are you all right?  [up] Someone get Doc! LEM I'll be [coughing fit] fine. Jest let me lie till the shakin goes off. 2_SPOOK HORSES SCOTTY We got to do something! FANSHAW And just what do you have in mind?  I've already done all I can, scouting them for Lem.  By the time they come close enough for us to get a look at, they will be moving fast enough that we shall hardly have time to observe. SCOTTY Can't we spook the horses or nothing?  That's what haints do, isn't it? FANSHAW I was with you the entire trip out from town.  Did the horses seem spooked to you? SCOTTY [really down] No. FANSHAW If Lem makes it back in time, there are ways we can help him.  Otherwise, we are merely spectators at this show. 3_TONIC DOC Can you get yourself around this? LEM [still hoarse, puffing] Tonic? DOC [shrug] Mostly brandy.  LEM [rusty chuckle] Thanks, doc. [drinks] LISETTE Oh, goodness.  I believe you are Fanshaw's dear friend.  LEM [coughs] DOC Din't say it was GOOD brandy. LEM [hawks, spits, clear throat]  Hits the spot.  LISETTE [calculating] And not able to walk away.  [cruel chuckle] How perfectly jolly. DOC The commander's gone off to rally the men, but they're like to need you to guide them.  You up fer it? LEM Will be... shortly.  Any chance of a mite to eat?  It's been a powerful long night, and not looking to roll up any time soon. 4_DO SOMETHING SCOTTY He's the only one what can hear us? FANSHAW We've come across... others.  But they are very rare. SCOTTY [yelling] I want to DO something!  I want to help! FANSHAW There is no need to make such a ... a ruckus!  I am in precisely the same predicament! SCOTTY But I-- GRISHAM [off]  Will you two shut up?  They're trying to sneak up on your position! FANSHAW Oh dear.  Come along. SCOTTY Where? FANSHAW To do the only productive thing - gather as much information as possible. 5_SADDLED SOUND MEN READY TO GO SOUND MOUNT UP LEM [sigh of relief, but also soreness]  COMMANDER You doing all right, there, feller? LEM Better saddle than boots.  I fair run the soles offa these. COMMANDER Morning comes, we'll stand you a new set.  Least we can do.  Let's go. SOUND HORSES MOVE OUT LEM Commander? COMMANDER Hmm? LEM Rather than meet them headlong, since ain't no way to know how far they come, might could I suggest a defensive position? COMMANDER This town is not a good place for that.  Too spread out.  And there's no way to get everyone into the fort, not without leaving near everything they own ripe for the picking. LEM Nah - I'm a-thinkin just this side of the bridge, right about halfway out.  Bridge and creek - they ain't much, but if we can catch them this side of it, put their backs to water, and use the treeline for cover-- COMMANDER I like the way you think, hombre.  [up] Company!  [attention!] 6_FIGHT GRISHAM Ain't no way you're taking me by surprise again, you-- ow! SOUND PUNCH FANSHAW [casual] shut up. SCOTTY That was a good'un! But what if he lands one on you - he's awful big! FANSHAW Leave him!  [quiet, moving away]  We can't actually be hurt.  But not everyone realizes that, and many feel the pain, even when there is no reason to.  I learned that the hard way. GRISHAM [off] I'm a-gonna get you! FANSHAW Blast!  He may not be able to harm me, but he can annoy and distract, and make it difficult to get anything constructive done. SCOTTY Maybe - maybe I could keep him from bothering you? FANSHAW How? SCOTTY Well, I been plumb angry since I got kilt, and my momma says sometimes the best way to get over anger, if you don't got no pie, is to-- GRISHAM Kill you, you girly man! SCOTTY [grunt as he punches him] GRISHAM oof! SCOTTY Better'n pie!  You go on, Mr. Fanshaw, and do what you gotta. FANSHAW Good lad. 7_GRANDKIDS LEM [muttered] Fanshaw?    Too far out.  COMMANDER What's the terrain like beyond the bridge? LEM Nothing much to speak of.  Some hills.  A ridge off to the north where first we saw them.  No place fer them to make a stand tween here and there, though. COMMANDER   Cain't let this sort of thing go.  LEM Course not.  COMMANDER You got the extra shot you needed, did you? LEM   Had to leave all o' mine cached back with Scotty. COMMANDER You're sure he's ... dead? LEM I'm afraid I do know dead when I see it. COMMANDER [sad] That's too bad. LEM Kin? COMMANDER   LEM [trying to ease] He went down fightin. COMMANDER That don't give my sister grandbabies. LEM [symp] Nope, it shore don't. 8_PIRATES SOUND MUCH CREEPING FANSHAW Looks like about three score.  Hardly a fair fight, sneaking up on a defenseless town at night.  Like pirates. 8A_FLASHBACK MUSIC FLASHBACK AMB BRIGHT SUNNY DAY NANNY Come along in now, bunny bug. YOUNG CLARA Stop calling me that, nanny!  I'm very nearly 10 years old. NANNY You'll always be my little bunny bug.  Oh!  Whatever is that tea towel doing on your head?  [gasp of fear]  Did you hurt yourself?  Show nanny! YOUNG CLARA No!  I am a pirate. NANNY Do not be so silly.  There are no pirates. YOUNG CLARA Of course there are.  They are in books, so they must be real. NANNY Besides, you cannot be a pirate. YOUNG CLARA Well not just NOW.  When I am bigger, I shall be able to do whatever I want. 9_WASPS COMMANDER Did you see how big a force they had? LEM Not to count them, but it was bigger'n I thought.  At least 30, probably more. COMMANDER [skeptical] Really? LEM They had a dozen cookin fires goin, and you don't make a fire to feed a lone fellow. COMMANDER [considers, then agrees] No, you don’t.  LEM 'Sides, better to expect a whole hive of wasps than be surprised by one too many. COMMANDER [chuckles]  Sound thinking.  [up]  Lieutenant! 10_BAG SOUND STILL MUCH MOVEMENT SOUND SCOTTY AND GRISHAM, FIGHTING SCOTTY [pleased] You tired yet, feller?  I ain't even blowed! GRISHAM [tired] You little whippersnapper!  Think you can pull a man's whiskers and walk away! FANSHAW [muttered] There are some distinct benefits to being dead.  More than he will ever know.  [gasp] No. RUFFIAN1 Hey!  I found something! SOUND CREAK OF LEATHER - LEM'S GEAR FANSHAW [worried] Damn!  Lem's bag! RUFFIAN2 What? SECOND Silence! RUFFIAN2 [whispered] bring it - we'll split it later! RUFFIAN1 Split it?  Nonsense!  It's mine, whatever it is! SECOND [whispered] Keep moving! 11_SCOUT AHEAD COMMANDER [ordering, but hushed] Take your men and circle round up thataway.  Get to high ground and cut off retreat. BOB Yessir! LEM If you don't mind, sir, I'us thinkin I might scout on up ahead a mite.  COMMANDER You aren't even being paid to be part of this, fellow, why do you keep risking yourself? LEM [shrug] Someone's gotta.  'sides I had to leave my kit behind, and wanna get it if I can before someone else lays hands on it. COMMANDER Valuables? LEM Nothin worth money, but some things cain't be replaced. COMMANDER [teasing a bit] Go on then, but if you see them coming, you'll come back and tell us first, eh? LEM [chuckle] I reckon. 12_LEAD ROPE SCOTTY Mister Fanshaw!  That fellow just vanished!  Like he flew away, whilst I was a-hittin on him! FANSHAW I fear I shall be gone shortly as well. SCOTTY Why? FANSHAW I am not sure of his reasons, but I must stay with the bag.  Now that it has been found... SCOTTY Why?  Keeping an eye on it? FANSHAW   There's something in there - Oh!  It's moving.  Stay with me as long as you can.  SCOTTY Why can't I--? FANSHAW Shh!  [very hurried] Picture a rope tied to something, say, to you - your body, over there.  And you are on the other end. SCOTTY Like a training rope? [ASK PAT] FANSHAW Basically, yes.  You can go anywhere, within the circle made by that rope. SCOTTY [figuring it out] So you're ... tied to that bag? FANSHAW Yes!  [gasp] Bloody thieves! SOUND FANSHAW SUCKED AWAY 13_BE A BOY YOUNG CLARA I am going to be a pirate!  I shall sail the seven seas and steal all the gold! NANNY Stealing is very wicked.  YOUNG CLARA But you can't be a pirate without stealing!  Then you're just a sailor! NANNY And young ladies do not become pirates.  Young ladies become mommies. YOUNG CLARA Or nannies. NANNY [reassuring] Don't fret yourself, bunny bug.  You shall be a mummy. YOUNG CLARA I should rather be a nanny.  Mummies are boring.  Nannies have things to do. NANNY [sigh] Mummies have things to do too. YOUNG CLARA I don't want to be a mummy, I want to be a pirate!  I want to see the world! NANNY [stern] There are many thing in this world, Clara Fanshaw, that are only meant for boys. YOUNG CLARA Then I want to be a boy! END     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 6 1_READY SOUND NIGHT, MEN BEING QUIET, HORSES OFF COMMANDER Yer sure you wanna go on out there, all on your own?? LEM I'm best on my own, and I don't want another of yer boys on my conscience. COMMANDER [acknowledging] Scotty. LEM If I can't see my way to get back and warn you quick enough, I'll shoot off twice-- COMMANDER [warning] They'll know you're there. LEM I kin look after myself.  Two shots means it's a-comin, and I spect after that there'ull be plenty more shots to keep y'all busy.  I best get a move on. COMMANDER One thing. LEM Yeah? COMMANDER One of my men swore he'd seen you before. LEM [down] Oh. COMMANDER And that you're the Deadeye kid. LEM I- COMMANDER [overriding, but clearly lying] I told him not to be so credulous.  Deadeye Kid looks nothing like that man that's about to save our town. LEM [realizing] Ri-ight. COMMANDER [serious] Don't make me a liar. LEM I kin only do my best. SOUND WALKS AWAY 2_BLACKGUARDS SOUND COMMOTION, MANY MEN, HORSES, TRAVELING LEADER [loud whisper] We'll leave the horses near the stream and sneak up. FANSHAW RUFFIAN2 [whisper] What's in that bag you found anyways? RUFFIAN1 [whisper] Ain't had no time, but it's shore heavy. RUFFIAN2 [whisper]  Heavy is good!  Mebbe it's gold! RUFFIAN1 Well, I still ain't sharing! FANSHAW Such stimulating conversation.  I wonder how far ahead of these ruffians I can manage to stay.  3_TALLYHO SOUND STEALTHY MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH, STOPS LEM   [angry hmph] They cain't be too damn far off.  And ridin. FANSHAW [distant]  Tally-ho!  LEM [starts to laugh but turns it into a snort] FANSHAW Halloooooo!  Halloo- [suddenly cut off] LEM What the devil?  [shrugs, to himself] Well, you can take care of your own damn self. SOUND RUNNING FEET TAKE OFF 4_STRUGGLE AMB IN THE ATTACK FORCE GRISHAM Now I gotcha sorted out! FANSHAW [muffled noises] SOUND STRUGGLING GRISHAM Oh, no you don't!  SOUND MORE STRUGGLE GRISHAM I finally figgered out cain't do nothing to hurt me.  Long as I ignore it.  But I can still keep a tight grip on you. FANSHAW [noise of effort] GRISHAM [ouch!] Hey!  You bit me!  FANSHAW Keep ahead of them!!!! GRISHAM   [disgusted noise] FANSHAW [to grisham] Damn you all to--[muffled again] GRISHAM Stop with all the wiggling, you stupid--  [stunned!] whatthehell? FANSHAW [noise of effort] SOUND STRUGGLE, BREAKS FREE GRISHAM You're a-- ?  FANSHAW You may be stronger than me, but I am faster. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM what the hell?  A female? 5_SIGNAL COMMANDER He's been gone a fair piece. SOUND [DISTANT] TWO GUN SHOTS COMMANDER [commanding, but quiet]  They're coming! SOUND [command passes along ranks - GET VOICES] COMMANDER [a bit superior]  I knew that that fellow was no sort of outlaw.  6_PLAN DOS LEADER Shots? SECOND Sir? LEADER   Someone has seen.  Get El puerco and his fellows.  Tell them plan dos. SECOND Plan dos, sir? LEADER They'll circle south and get behind the town.  We get some children in hand, no one will fight any more. SECOND Yessir! SOUND RUNS OFF SCOTTY [torn] I can't just let them-- [plaintive] but what can I do? 7_BUCKETFULL SOUND HORSES APPROACHING NOTE - Lem is lying in wait, letting the group go past, and plans to pick them off from behind. FANSHAW [distant but closer, yelling] Lem!  That dead friend of yours is about - watch out! LEM [muttered] Damn.  And I don' want to go shootin no good horse jest to lay a varmint like that down. SOUND HORSES BEGIN TO PASS LEM [very quietly] 30...?  Nearer fifty.  That's a bucketful of wasps. SOUND SHOTS!  (where the horses went to) LEM [muttered to self] hold on.  SOUND NO MORE HORSES COMING LEM [muttered] almost... GRISHAM There you are! LEM [sharp intake of breath]  That don't work on me twice.  Specially when I been warned. GRISHAM Oh, that girly friend of your'n?  Funny thing about that-- SOUND GRISHAM IS YANKED AWAY LEM Good riddance.  And jest in time. SOUND BEGINS SHOOTING MaN [shot, fall] 8_HOLD THE LINES COMMANDER [roaring now] Hold the lines!  More shot, boy! BOY Yessir! MAN [hit, argh!] COMMANDER Stay low! FANSHAW All seems rather well here.  GRISHAM There you are. FANSHAW Bloody hell. GRISHAM [nasty chuckle] I was just wondring - if I kin grab you, I bet I kin kiss you, little lady! FANSHAW [dodging] I doubt you'll catch me again, now that I'm watching for you, but I will admit that one advantage to being a ghost is that I needn't make an effort to remain upwind of you. SOUND FANSHAW OUT 9_RELOAD SOUND COMMOTION OFF, NOT RIGHT HERE SOUND RELOADING SOUND NEARBY HORSE PFFS LEM That's nine.  SOUND SLAPS GUN SHUT SCOTTY [distant, yelling] Someone!  They're circling round!  There's some fellers as are going south to get behind lines! LEM   [listens for a second]  Fanshaw?  Damn.  SCOTTY [yelling]  Please!  Don't let them hurt nobody in town. LEM [muttered] boy'll yell himself hoarse.  [chuckles]  dead don't get hoarse.  But I gotta get one.  [clucks to horse] SOUND HORSE BLOWS LEM [grunts as he swings into the saddle]  Come on. FANSHAW [a bit distant] Lem? LEM Wazzat?  There you are! FANSHAW Close as I can get just now, and can't stay.  That blighter keeps trying to grab me. LEM Grisham?  FANSHAW The commander seems to be holding well.  The villains have taken heavy losses and are starting to fall apart. LEM   Can you yell to Scotty, let him know I got his message? FANSHAW What message? LEM Just try and tell the boy.  So he can rest hisself.  [to the horse] Geeyah! SOUND HORSE TAKES OFF FANSHAW Scotty?  Can you hear me? 10_YOU STAY COMMANDER Let's clean this up - leave none of them to try and harm the town. CORPORAL Yessir! Should we capture them, or-- COMMANDER This is no time to be peaceable.  They set themselves up to attack a settlement, and we have to take serious measures. SOUND HORSE APPROACHING LEM [distant] Commander! COMMANDER Let him through.  [up, to Lem]  Looks like we've got nearly all of them.  SOUND GUNSHOTS DISTANT COMMANDER A bit of tidying up to do, but-- SOUND HORSE PULLS UP and STOPS LEM [to horse] Whoah!  I overheard a couple at the back, saying they had a force circlin south - dozen men mebbe - to get round any resistance and come up behind.  COMMANDER My god! LEM Horse up a few good men, load em up and come with me. COMMANDER You, boy! BOY Yessir? COMMANDER Bring my horse, quickly! LEM You're needed here, surely? COMMANDER You're the one who needs a rest, mister Roberts.  My corporal, here, will be happy to hear any other suggestions you might have, but I will be leading my men. LEM Sound thinkin.  I have been going a bit. COMMANDER Corporal? CORPORAL [acknowledging] Yes sir. FANSHAW Lem?  I think I got through to Scotty, but there's such a distance.  Poor lad, he merely wants to do his duty. SOUND LEM DISMOUNTS LEM Let's you and I see if we cain't root out a few more of these varmints.  I see purty well in the dark. CORPORAL Excellent!  FANSHAW I'll see what I can turn up. GRISHAM Found you! FANSHAW Oh, damn!  GRISHAM You ain't never getting away from me, you-- FANSHAW [hits out] GRISHAM [ungh!] FANSHAW Have to get him out of here, Lem.  Too distracting. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM [laughs triumphantly]  Coward!  But I don't suppose I should be surprised. LEM [quietly, but deadly serious] You don't stop making a fuss, I'm gon' kill your horse. GRISHAM What? LEM You sit still and be quiet or that horse yer so attached to is gonna find itself on the wrong end of a bullet.  You hear me? GRISHAM [all the bluster gone]  LEM   I don't fancy killin no animal just fer this, but this here's a battle-- SOUND GUNSHOT LEM [gasp, hit!] Damn! SOUND QUICKDRAW, GUNS BLAZE GRISHAM Hah!  I still gotcha! LEM [weakening, through gritted teeth] Din't no one see them a-sneakin up?  CORPORAL [commanding] Men! SOUND MORE GUNSHOTS LEM [groan] SOUND BODY DROP AS HE COLLAPSES END   NEXT EPISODE BEGINS SOUND FADES IN AND OUT COMMANDER Hold on, there, fellow. LEM [vague] all's well? COMMANDER We got em. LEM My pack? COMMANDER I'll set someone to finding it. FADE OUT DOCTOR Bite down on this.  He's lost a lot of blood. FADE OUT BOOTMAKER I'll have a new pair ready before he'll be walking anywhere on them.  You sure I should even bother--? FADEOUT WOMAN Just a little bit of broth, mister.  You need to get some o'yer strength back. SICKROOM LEM [annoyed moan] FANSHAW You're awake. LEM [quiet]  Anyone--? FANSHAW Not close enough to hear - as long as you stay quiet. LEM   I been shot? FANSHAW At least twice, judging by the bandages.  Once in the chest, once in the leg, I should say.  I should have been watching. LEM [reassuring] Can't leave you to do everythin.   FANSHAW [awkward pause, then stiffly]  Should I ...go? LEM Go?  go where? FANSHAW [covering] I - I mean, leave you in peace.  To rest.  I don't doubt you will still be needing a great deal of it. LEM [straining a bit]  Did you see, did it go alla way through? FANSHAW I don't know, but you were very fortunate - or so the doctor declared. LEM [satisfied]  FANSHAW I'll leave you to your rest, then, shall I? LEM Go or stay, I ain't so wrung out I cain't tell you got somethin on yer mind. FANSHAW LEM Is it that female ghost o'yours yer frettin over? FANSHAW [bracing breath]  LEM [exasperated snort]  Yer worried she said sumpin, izzat it? FANSHAW LEM [playing it up a bit] You furriners and the trifles that plague you. FANSHAW So she did--? LEM [shrug]    So? FANSHAW [surprised] So? LEM You cain't be the first. FANSHAW First? LEM Nor the last, like enough. FANSHAW But it... doesn't... bother you? LEM Well, you don't do it no more. FANSHAW .. don't? LEM 'sides, plenty of little fellers wet up the bed right up til they'us in long pants.  FANSHAW What? END    

A quirk of fate brings both Lem and Fanshaw face to face with people from their pasts.  disagreeable reunions bring up disagreeable memories, and show a taste of what makes a man into a gunslinger. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid -  J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson ~~~~~~ Grisham - Bill Hollweg  (BrokenSea Audio) Lisette Carmichael - Robyn Keyes Commander Bannington -  Glen Hallstrom Scotty - Mike Campbell Other Voices: Episode 1 Bartender - Rick Lewis Episode 2 Townsfolks - Mark Olson, Candace Behuniak, Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 3 Juliet - Alexa Chipman (Imagination Lane) Glen Hallstrom Episode 4 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Piedmont - Russell Gold Mr. Roberts - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Episode 5 Nanny - Jennifer Dixon Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 6 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Mark & Connor Olson Russell Gold Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson   No gunshots herald his approach.  No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. ************************************************************* Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 1 MUSIC 1_ARRIVAL SOUND     HORSES, RIVER, BOAT TRAFFIC LEM    Largest town I been near in a good passel of time.  I hear tell it started out as a frontier fort, but the frontier moseyed west and left it a-setting behind. FANSHAW    Will it be safe? LEM    Safe? FANSHAW    I had rather assumed you were avoiding larger towns.  For ... notoriety's sake. LEM    Meaning I don't want be invited to a necktie party?  'at's part of it, though I'm purty sure I ain't never been posted in this territory.  FANSHAW    Is it worth the risk? LEM    [shrug noise]  Time to time a man wants a bath and a night in a bed. FANSHAW    There are some distinct benefits to being deceased. LEM    [laughs]  Ayup.  I don't gotta listen to you bellyaching about aches and pains and sleeping on the ground no more.  Never mind being all prissy and citified about finding you a comf'table bush now and then-- FANSHAW    [rolling eyes]  Yes, yes. LEM    Sides, I'm outta coffee.  And low on shells.  FANSHAW    [teasing] Heavens.  How DO you manage? 2_STROLLING AMB    IN TOWN SOUND    WALKING ON WOOD LEM    Lotta trade hereabouts.  Reckon I'll be able to get what all I need. FANSHAW    Lem!  Soldiers. LEM    [voice low]  Right.  We'll go on over yonder.  [beat] Must still be a fort within spitting distance.  FANSHAW    I did notice that the old fortification appears to have become the mansion for an authority of some kind.  LEM    Probly best to get my business done and skeddaddle. SOUND    SALOON DOOR OPENS, JUST OFF, PEOPLE COME OUT FANSHAW    I say.  Isn't it a bit early for a drink? LEM    [shrug] Three weeks.  Don't seem early to me. FANSHAW    I'll-- LISETTE    [off a bit] Clary? FANSHAW    [stunned and horrified] Oh god. LISETTE    [off a bit] Clary?  I'd know that voice anywhere! LEM    Friend o'yourn? FANSHAW    [stiff, covering]  Old acquaintance.  Go on ahead! LEM    Right. 3_SALOON SOUND    HE WALKS INTO SALOON AMB    SALOON LEM    One here. SOUND    DRINK POURED BARTENDER    There you go. SOUND    COINS SOUND    LEM DRINKS GRISHAM    [angry growl] Lemuel Roberts. LEM    [SPIT-TAKE] SOUND    GLASS SLAMMED DOWN BARTENDER    Something wrong, fella? LEM    [coughing, trying to clear his throat]  Toothache.  Hit like a snakebite. GRISHAM    You look at me, you pissant slab of gun leather. BARTENDER    [sympathetic] Tarnation.  You need it yonked?  Barber can‑‑ LEM    [finally getting clear] No, no.  I kin handle it.  SOUND    COINS, GLASS DOWN LEM    Another.  And sorry about the-- BARTENDER    [dismissive] Ain't no nevermind. SOUND    MORE COINS LEM    Give me the bottle. GRISHAM    Now I found you, you could float a heap o rotgut and won't never drown me! BARTENDER    You drink more careful now, you hear? LEM    Ayup. 4_LISETTE AMB    OUTSIDE LISETTE    [close, laughing] Oh, good lord, look at you!  Mustache and all.  Aren't you a little brigadier? FANSHAW    [acknowledging] Carmichael. LISETTE    Oh, how formal.  Just like at school.  What have you been up to Clary, dear? FANSHAW    "Fanshaw," if you please. LISETTE    And we used to be such chums.  However did you end up here? FANSHAW    I'm quite sorry to see that you are dead, Carmichael. LISETTE    [laughing] Oh, I rather doubt that!  You're only very sad to see that I'm here, aren't you? FANSHAW    Would you prefer that I said I am pleased to find that you died, since that would be the only circumstance that could ever have stopped you from tormenting every living soul around you? LISETTE    [not amused any more]  At least that would be closer to the truth. FANSHAW    Jolly good.  Happy you're dead.  Must get along. LISETTE    Don't run off so quickly, Clary!  FANSHAW    [long breath of self-control]  LISETTE    There's been no one interesting to talk to or listen in on for simply ages.  FANSHAW    How unfortunate.  Must rush. LISETTE    I noticed you speaking to that fellow. FANSHAW    [quiet] Bloody hell.  [up]  I speak to a lot of people. LISETTE    I'm sure.  But he replied.  Might I speak with him as well? FANSHAW    I-- LISETTE    Oh, just watch your face!  You're trying desperately to come up with a lie!  You never could hide anything from me, mustache or no mustache, silly Clary-- FANSHAW    Stop calling me that. LISETTE    Oh, how I've missed these little moments with my dearest friends - ever since I made the leap.  I shall have to spend a great deal of time with you - and with your rugged looking friend.  FANSHAW    [gritted teeth] Jolly good. 5_SALOON2 AMB    SALOON SOUND    LEM DRINKS, SLAMS DOWN GLASS GRISHAM    I know you kin hear me, you toad-bellied worm. SOUND    CHAIR SHIFTS, KICKED OUT FROM TABLE LEM    [low] Sit. GRISHAM    What makes you think I'd sit with you?  You done went and killed me! LEM    That's one reason I'm plumb surprised to see you.  You went down all the way to Fayetteville - damn far north o' here. GRISHAM    I ... drifted. LEM    That's just what's got me hornswoggled.  Ain't no one drifts. GRISHAM    Well I did, and I's planning to get you back for what you done, one way or t'other. LEM    [sigh] SOUND    DRINK POURS 6_PIGS SOUND    PIGS LEM    Why'd you drag me out to the slaughterhouse? FANSHAW    That woman - ghost woman. LEM    An old flame? FANSHAW    Nonsense!  We knew each other as ... children.  She is-- [changing the subject] She is unlikely to follow us here.  LEM    Spect not.  Womenfolks ain't fond of this sort of messy business. FANSHAW    [disgusted] Yes... LEM    So?  You'd best'a brought me here fer a reason. FANSHAW    Lisette Carmichael.  She [hard to say] is a person who likes to know things.  About other people.  She likes to -- LEM    Hold a grudge?  Like a noose over yer head? FANSHAW    Aptly put.  Yes.  LEM    You cain't have much in the way of dark secrets, though, can you?  Leastways not no more. FANSHAW    You might be surprised. LEM    Who's she a-gonna tell?  [realizes] Oh.  FANSHAW    And while I'm fairly certain you think you could overlook any past indiscretion on my  part, I don't doubt there are a few things that might shock even you.  Lord knows, she's not even above the occasional fabrication. LEM    [after a moment]  Did it involve a sheep? FANSHAW    What? LEM    Whatever it was you done. FANSHAW    No.  It isn't - it's not like that at all. LEM    [shrug] Sounds like we should jest ride on out. FANSHAW    What? LEM    Got my coffee, ain't no reason to lollygag. FANSHAW    You would leave?  Over this? LEM    I figger you saved m'life more'n once, and ain't much I can do in return.  SOUND    WALKING IN MUD LEM    Let's get gone before you start a-thanking me. 7_BARN AMB    BARN SOUND    TACK, HORSES, ETC. LEM    You distract her, I'll get the gear.  Come and find me when you feel the pull. FANSHAW    Righty-ho.  SOUND    LEAVES GRISHAM    Running away, eh?  Allus knew you'ure yella. LEM    [sigh]  You're lucky ain't no one about but us.  Otherwise, I wouldn’t dignify none of that with an answer. GRISHAM    You kilt me! LEM    We had it out, fair and square.  I never shot no one in-- [breaks off, a bit choked up]  I never din't kill any one not a-gunning fer me.  Not on purpose. SOUND    LAST BIT OF TACKING UP GRISHAM    Are you saying I was asking fer it? LEM    I seem to recall you a-calling me out in the middle of a fairish game of cards.  Yellin blue bloody murder that I should step out and face you. GRISHAM    Well, yeah, but I was drunk. LEM    I din't do THAT to you neither.  You called me out, without no good reason agin me. GRISHAM    [losing some of his bluster] I fancied making a name for myself. SOUND    LEM GETS INTO THE SADDLE LEM    By shooting the Kid?  You ain't the first. GRISHAM    But you still kilt me. LEM    And I won't never forget none of it, but you got what you asked for, and not a jot more.  Blame providence if you cain't blame yerself, but don't put this guilt on me.  Hee-yaw! SOUND    RIDES OFF 8_DISTRACTION FANSHAW     Lisette? LISETTE    There you are!  Just like a naughty boy, running off to filthy places to get away. FANSHAW    So sorry.  Didn't have much choice.  My friend is quite fascinated by... hogs. LISETTE    Did you make a clean breast of it?  Or just warn him not to believe a thing I say?  FANSHAW    You don't understand what you're threatening to do - you never did.  LISETTE    So bothered over trifles!  How much people change! FANSHAW    Ruining someone's life never meant anything to you!  Do you recall poor Selfridge? LISETTE    Carmela?  Served her right.  FANSHAW    She threw herself off a bridge! LISETTE    She also let herself be compromised!  I didn't put her in the family way, and she was the one lying and hiding-- FANSHAW    Are you trying to imply that you are somehow in the right?  A champion of truth? LISETTE    Shall I point out what it is you are doing that flies in the face of nature? FANSHAW    History is replete with-- LISETTE    Oh, spare me.  Next you'll be quoting Shakespeare. FANSHAW    Very well.  I shan't try and justify myself, but I will point out that whatever I am doing, it cannot be changed.  Being dead, there's not much one can do about such trifles. LISETTE    Then why should it be such a catastrophe were I to tell? FANSHAW    [beat] You've never had a real friend, only people who fawned on you in order that you would not reveal their shortcomings.  LISETTE    [outraged] I--?  You--! FANSHAW    Kindly allow me to finish.  There is a certain camaraderie among men that simply does not - cannot - occur once a woman is involved.  Once you put your nose in, I fear it would never be quite the same. LISETTE    No doubt.  I'll just go and find your friend now, shall I? FANSHAW    [strange gasp, ending on a laugh]  No, but I think I shall. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVING NOISE CLOSING         Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 2 1_MOSEYING AMB    OPEN COUNTRYSIDE, nighttime SOUND    HORSES WALKING LEM    I still cain't reckon how he got so far from where he-- I-- where we had it out. FANSHAW    How odd.  Have you ever encountered other ghosts who could travel? LEM    Present comp'ny only. FANSHAW    And we know the how and why of that.  Perhaps this fellow has a similar... arrangement? LEM    How?  And who with?  Ain't no one would carry that ugly cuss a dog's walk, let alone some hundred miles. FANSHAW    Well, every one of we "spirits" seems to be a bit different. LEM    Like your lady friend back there? FANSHAW    [sigh] From her current appearance and [disapproving] "costume", she had fallen on ‑ahem- hard times indeed.  Possibly drifted west - whilst alive - in hopes of making something better for herself.  LEM    Lot of people can say that, out this way. FANSHAW    [a bit snotty] Frankly I'm not surprised at her misfortune.  When you alienate all those around you, no one will step in to help if things take a turn for the worse. LEM    Cain't say I ain't never been that fella. FANSHAW    [chagrined] Oh.  MUSIC     FOR FLASHBACK NOTE    Lem is younger, more cocky, more superior in the falshback - need to really show who he used to be 2_THE OLD KID AMB    SALOON LEM    Gimme two. SOUND    CARDS LEM    [pleased noise]  I'll see you and raise-- SOUND    CROWD HUSHES GRISHAM    [snarling declaration] I hear tell the Deadeye Kid's here in town? LEM    [ignoring him, smug] Raise ten. DEALER    [shaky] Uh, Kid? GRISHAM    Which one o' y'all's sposed to be this weasel? LEM    Your call. PLAYER1    [shaky] Um...  I fold. LEM    [chuckles] PATRON1    How can he--? Patron2    Shh! SOUND    HEAVY SPURRED BOOTS CROSS FLOOR, PEOPLE SCUTTLE OUT OF WAY GRISHAM    [heavy menace]  You the deadeye kid? LEM    [offhanded] I'm the man playing a nice civil hand of cards.  Mebbe you can hold your hosses there, whistle stomper. GRISHAM    Either you come out and face me now, or I swear'n I'm gonna shoot you where you sit. SOUND    CHAIRS SCOOTING OUT, PEOPLE LEAVING TABLE LEM    [long dramatic sigh]  Now that sounds a mite like a threat. PLAYER1    [muttered] Uh, yeah.  I'm done.  Fergot my wife wants me home. GRISHAM    Are you coming, or am I shooting? LEM    If everyone's takin' leg, I guess I win by forfeit? DEALER    Um, I don't think anyone's gonna argue you on that. GRISHAM    You turn around now and face me, you yellow bellied dog! SOUND    MONEY BEING SHOVED TOGETHER LEM    Give the frog a chance to jump, knuckles.  Cain't just leave all this layin around. SOUND    G's GUN DRAWN AND COCKED GRISHAM    Now! LEM    [to dealer, cocky] You'll look after this til I get back? DEALER    Uh... certainly. GRISHAM    I'll do it!  I will! SOUND    CHAIR SLOWLY MOVES, LEM'S SPUR-STEPS, STANDS LEM    Rightchere in front of all these good folks?  And leave the dealer to clean up the mess?  [tsks]  Let's at least be civilized and take this on outside. 3_EASIER MUSIC    BACK TO NOW SOUND    HORSES WALKING FANSHAW    Seems as if it would be a great deal easier. LEM    Whazzat? FANSHAW    Shooting someone in the back. LEM    And killin a chicken's easier than takin down a buffalo, but ain't a thing to swell over.  Ain't no pride in the easy way.  FANSHAW    Backshooting would gain you notoriety just as quickly. LEM    It's all about how folks look at you... and how they see you. MUSIC    BACK TO FLASHBACK 4_WARMUP GRISHAM    Are you stepping? LEM    What flavor of tarantula juice got you fit to wake snakes?  Milk?  [insulting that he can't hold his liquor] GRISHAM    [furious noise]  I got a pill to run you on, and I'm gonna chew back every moment of it. LEM    [to the crowd] Righchere's a rumbustious fellow for you.  SOUND    DRINKS DOWN HIS LIQUOR, SLAMS IT DOWN LEM    Barkeep?  Have me a shot of top mark waitin. SOUND    WALKS OUT, SLOWLY GRISHAM    You look at me while I'm a talking to you! LEM    [walking out] You say somethin' more wheat than chaff, mebbe I will. 5_RATTLING FANSHAW    Were you trying to upset his equilibrium? LEM    What's that when it's at home? FANSHAW    uh - Throw him off - make him upset and more likely to make mistakes. LEM    Rattlin.  Yup.  There's as much head as hand in a proper showdown.  Not that this was one o' them. FANSHAW    Why not?  He called you out. LEM    He was halfway round on rotgut.  Not a nugget's chance agin me.  Even if he had all his [careful] equilibriums about him. FANSHAW    But you stepped out with him?  Even knowing he had no chance? LEM    A'course.  He wouldn't take no.  Drunk fellers who ain't gettin their way are as likely to shoot just about anyone.  I reckoned I was a-helpin, putting him down. FANSHAW    [a bit touchy] And you couldn't simply injure him or knock him out - he had to die? LEM    Ain't no place for fine feelins when there's a man with a gun a-facin you.  And ain't no time to aim all purty and shoot him just so.  You hit hard and put him down, cause if you don't, he'll do it to you.  That's the part you cain't get away from - one or t'other's likely for boot hill, and you GOTTA face it that way. 6_SHOWDOWN MUSIC    BACK TO FLASHBACK SOUND    OUTSIDE NOW GRISHAM    You ready? LEM    Why trouble yerself to call me out anyhow?  I kill someone yer riled over? GRISHAM    [duh] Yer the Deadeye Kid! LEM    [duh] Yep.  [beat] That's your sole entire reason?  You wanna walk in my boots? GRISHAM    No faster way to make a name, than laying out a name. SOUND    THEY MOVE TO EITHER SIDE OF THE SOUNDSCAPE SOUND    GUN BEING CHECKED, LEM LEM    And o'course it gots to be a callout.  [digsut, sarcasm] No one wants to be the next Robert Ford.  [man who backshot his friend Jesse James] GRISHAM    Come on!  Kick it up, Deadeye!  Less'n yer yellow! SOUND    LEM - DIRT PATTERS - checking the wind] LEM    [maddenginly cool] Oh.  I'm ripe and ready to drop. SOUND    TENSION NOISE, CROWD NOISE, THEN SUDDEN FLURRY OF GUNFIGHT. SOUND    G - BODY DROP SOUND    LEM - GUN INTO HOLSTER.  A MOMENT.  FEET WALK BACK UP INTO SALOON 7_ENJOY MUSIC    BACK TO NOW FANSHAW     [relenting a bit] I suppose it's very like being in battle - not a good place to have consideration for the other fellow. LEM    Have to ice over that pond.  Hard and cold.  Hard and cold. FANSHAW    I- I do apologize for sounding disapproving.  I want to assure you, it's the process that... well... seems so very pointless. LEM    [a litle lighter] Men'll be men. FANSHAW    But men can behave in a civilized manner!  Look at we Brits. LEM    [grunt - half laugh half dismissive] FANSHAW    Do you enjoy it? LEM    [very mixed feelings] Enjoy? FANSHAW    Throughout history there have been men who reveled in killing, in battle. LEM    Hmmm.  [musing] There's a fire that burns you at that moment, like bugs in the skin. LEM    S'like the best whiskey and the moment you almost fall off a cliff, and being with the love of your life, all at the same damn time.  FANSHAW    The thrill of danger? LEM    That, but even more so.  If'n you just want danger, you go climbin cliffs or breakin broncs.  This is starin into the eyes of death - death right there and then and ain't no "maybe so" about it.  Kill or be killed.  [beat, then not quite truthful]  Enjoy?  No.  FANSHAW    Sometimes a person's strength is in making the right choice, even when it might pain them to do so. LEM    I reckon. 8_WINNER MUSIC    FLASH BACK AMB    INSIDE SALOON, HUSHED SOUND    GUNSHOT, OUTSIDE WOMAN    [gasps] SOUND    [CROWD NOISE, OUTSIDE], THEN OMINOUS BOOTS ON WOOD, SALOON DOOR OPENS SOUND    PIANO PLAYS, CHATTER BEGINS AGAIN LEM    [voiceover]  there's also this way people have of lookin at you - like yer the best.  Used be I din't see the fear beneath it. SOUND    BOTTLE POURS, GLASS SET DOWN BARTENDER    Your shot, Mister. LEM    [drinks big, then bragging] My second shot in two minutes! SOUND    Forced laughter from the crowd, warps out a bit. 9_HUNKER MUSIC    BACK TO NOW LEM    [brisk] It's coming down dusk.  Need to find a place to hunker fer the night. FANSHAW    I shall keep an eye out for-- [dread] oh! LEM    Whazzat? FANSHAW    Look - the horizon! LEM    Signal fires, and a lot of em.  Damn. FANSHAW    They're a little far off to get a better look at.  We shall... have to return, shan't we? LEM    Someone's gotta warn the town.  Whether it's injuns or sumpin else, looks like an ambush on the march. FANSHAW    [weakly] Surely the garrison maintains lookouts? LEM    Not so much that I saw.  They're purt near closed up shop, from the looks back there.  FANSHAW    [heavy sigh]  Right, then.  SOUND    DISMOUNT, SHIFTING A FEW THINGS FROM HORSE TO HORSE LEM    You worried about your lady friend? FANSHAW    She's neither a lady nor a friend.  But whatever she might have to say will matter to none but me.  [change of tone]  We are a couple of hours out. LEM    Horses ain't fresh, but I weren't pushin.  We can get back before them out there can get into spittin distance. SOUND    MOUNT OTHER HORSE FANSHAW    [resigned but determined] Shall we? MUSIC     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 3 1_WONT SPOOK SOUND    READYING FOR BATTLE LEM    If'n you got a fresh horse, I kin go scout some fer you. COMMANDER    You've done enough already, stranger.  Ain't even your fight. LEM    I know where they're at, and I got some idea of where they're likely to be by the time I get back there.  Give me one horse ain't like to spook, and I'll-- COMMANDER    I'll have to send a man along with you. LEM    That's fine.  Make sure he ain't like to spook neither. 2_LISETTE SOUND    [above scene plays out in the background] LISETTE    And here I thought you had run away and left me all alone.  FANSHAW    [sigh] Why don't we step outside to have this conversation? LISETTE    No.  I like seeing what the "menfolk" are up to.  [frustrated noise] What I wouldn’t give to be able to leave this rattletrap town.  I'm still not sure how you did that.  Or why you came back. FANSHAW    We had to warn the garrison. LISETTE    Always full of suprises, aren't you - and yet still sanctimonious.  Fanshaw, dear old chum.  Are you not afraid of what I might say? FANSHAW    Any concern you might cause me is negligible when weighed against the potential danger to others. LISETTE    [surprised laugh]  Hah!  All you superior little snobs, with your noses in the air!  And deep down, all just as afraid as the rest of us. FANSHAW    I've no idea what you're talking about, and I don't care to find out.  Whatever you plan to do, just get on with it.  We have a job to do. LISETTE    Wait! FANSHAW    [long sigh]  Yes? LISETTE    Shall I wish you "good luck"? FANSHAW    I doubt I shall need any.  But I thank you for the sentiment, Miss Carmichael, however grudgingly bestowed. 3_JULIET FLASHBACK JULIET    Romeo, doff thy name, And for that name which is no part of thee Take all myself. FANSHAW    I take thee at thy word: Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized; Henceforth I never will be Romeo. JULIET     What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night So stumblest on my counsel? ROMEO     By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am: My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself-- SOUND    POUNDING LISETTE    Oh heavens!  Not again! MAN    [calling from off] Sorry. SOUND    POUNDING STOPS LISETTE    Try that scene again from the top.  Romeo? FANSHAW    [sigh] Yes? LISETTE    Couldn't you try to be a bit more ... masculine? JULIET    Oh, I like "him".  So terribly byronic. FANSHAW    I'll see what I can do. 4_SCOTTY SOUND    PACKING A HORSE SCOTTY    Sir? LEM    Yeah? SCOTTY    Private Scott.  Commander Bennington told me to report to you. LEM    [sigh] Right.  You ever shot that for real? SCOTTY    O'course. LEM    Against a person? SCOTTY    Well, against animals. LEM    Right. GRISHAM    Not everyone can be you. LEM    [sighs] SCOTTY    Don't you worry!  I ain't afraid! GRISHAM    This pullet ain't even got pinfeathers yet.  You get him killed, you gonna adda a notch fer him too? LEM    You got a horse, Scott? SCOTTY    Everyone calls me Scotty. GRISHAM    Later, they'll just call him dead. LEM    Scotty.  Right.  You gotta horse? SCOTTY    Over there. GRISHAM    [rueful] My damn horse.  Serving in the army like the rest of the idjets.  LEM    Well, go and get'im. SCOTTY    Right, sir! GRISHAM    Ain't he a little young?  You should oughtta throw him back. LEM    I'm stuck with him.  And I never kept notches. GRISHAM    That ain't what I heered. LEM    Lot o' tales goin round - ain't a one of 'em naught but sagebrush smoke. GRISHAM    And the tale 'bout how you kilt me? LEM    [sharp intake] I don't brag on none o' that no more. GRISHAM    So, you think I like being plumb forgot? LEM    If I thought tellin about it would ease you on to the next thing, you think I wouldn't? SCOTTY    Tell me about what?  Injuns?  [certain] I know all about them. LEM    [sigh] 5_SCOUTING AMB    CRICKETS SOUND    HORSES FANSHAW    They're still out of range.  I can just barely catch snippets of sound at my farthest reach, but I'm fairly certain it is not Indians. LEM    Hmm? FANSHAW    I can make out English and Spanish.  Are we anywhere near the Mexico territories? LEM    [quiet] Ain't impossible.  Deserters, mebbe. SCOTTY    What ain't impossible? LEM    We're gettin close.  Best to go on foot.  SCOTTY    These here horses are my responsibility! LEM    Best you stay and watch'em, then.  FANSHAW    Don't forget the satchel. SOUND    CREAK LEM    Like I'd forget that. SCOTTY    I wouldna gone through your kit or nothin!  I ain't no finger monkey. FANSHAW    [laughs]  I ne'er heard that one before. SOUND    REMOVING SPURS LEM    Ain't that I don't trust you, son, just might need me some things.  If I was you, I'd take them horses up yonder - forge as far into the high rough as you can, but keep where you can see if I come tearin out of there.  You reckon? SCOTTY    How'll you find us? LEM    I'll find you.  Just be ready.  And don't shoot me. SOUND    QUIET FEET ON DIRT 6_JULIET2 FLASHBACK    echoey hallway LISETTE    [running up] Fanshaw? FANSHAW    Carmichael. LISETTE    [trying to start a fight] We've been reconsidering your costume.  Those leggings are positively scandalous. FANSHAW     [bland] Romeo can hardly appear in bloomers.  Would be rather difficult to climb to the balcony. LISETTE    Perhaps plain trousers, then.  [sly] Though I understand you were quite keen on showing off your legs. FANSHAW    [rueful] There is a great deal to be said for the freedom of movement.  [dismissive] But a costume is a costume.  I certainly shan't make a fuss. LISETTE    [annoyed at not being able to get a rise out of F] Very well. 7_FANSHAW SCOUTS SOUND    SLIGHT RUSTLE OF LEAVES LEM    [very quiet] Close enough? FANSHAW    I'll have a look round.  SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM    [very loud] You hiding from something? LEM    [reaction noise, quickly stifled] GRISHAM    Ooh!  Scairt you, din't I? LEM    [whispered] Made me jump damn near out my skin. GRISHAM    [smug and evil] Well that's good, then.  Looks like I can get my own back on you. LEM    What all do you want? GRISHAM    Apart from you in a pine box?  I'm hankerin to be alive agin, but that ain't gon happen. LEM    Not likely, nope.  How'd you follow us? GRISHAM    What kind of tenderfoot you take me for that I can't follow my own damn horse? LEM    [half realizing something] Damn. SOUND    FANSHAW COMES BACK FANSHAW    Who the devil is this? GRISHAM    Who the devil are you? LEM    What'd ya find out? FANSHAW    A motley crew, but definitely girding themselves for battle.  GRISHAM    What kinda girlie man are ya?  Highfaluting slicker talk! FANSHAW    [sigh, but determined] They're half mounted already, but I could make out that they're waiting til after midnight, to make certain of finding as many people abed as possible. GRISHAM    Put you in a dress, and I bet everyone'd wanna dance! FANSHAW    We need to get moving. GRISHAM    I think you need a shave, girlie man. SOUND    KNIFE FANSHAW    [finally breaking concentration] God damn you all to hell! SOUND    PUNCH, KNEE TO GROIN LEM    [trying not to laugh] GRISHAM    Oooohhhh. FANSHAW    Marquis of Queensbury be damned.  We need to go. GRISHAM    [different kind of ooooh - like he's falling, or being dragged off] SOUND    SUCK NOISE AND GRISHAM VANISHES LEM    What'd you do to him? FANSHAW    I didn't!  I couldn't-- I... haven't the faintest idea?  8_JULIET3 SOUND    TAP ON DOOR LISETTE    Fanshaw? FANSHAW    Come in. LISETTE    I've brought you your hat-- whatever are you doing? FANSHAW    I was considering what I might do with my hair.  To create the right ilusion. LISETTE    That is what the HAT is for. FANSHAW    I prefer not.  It looks like an ottoman on my head.  LISETTE    And Romeo does not wear a moustache. FANSHAW    Whyever not? LISETTE     On the stage, moustaches are only for villains and army colonels! FANSHAW    [considering] I might just cut my hair. LISETTE    That is the final straw!  Miss Peabody said this would happen. FANSHAW    What? LISETTE    That you would take too many liberties.  You are out. FANSHAW    Out? LISETTE    [snidely satisfied] You are no longer a member of this production. 9_DEAD SCOTT SOUND    QUIET BOOTSTEPS LEM    [very quiet] Scotty? FANSHAW    [off a bit] Oh, good god. LEM    Do I need to keep quiet? FANSHAW    I don't see anyone.  Anyone... hostile. SOUND    QUICK, NOISIER FOOTSTEPS SCOTTY    [as if waking up] Oooh! LEM    What is--  [tragic regret] Ohh. SCOTTY    They come in out of nowheres! FANSHAW    I don't doubt it. SCOTTY    And they took the damn horses, Mister Roberts! FANSHAW    I think that just might explain-- SCOTTY    And who in blue blazes is this feller? LEM    [heavy sigh]  Ayup. CLOSING       Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 4 1_DROP EVERYTHING SOUND    UNBUCKLING, BAG DOWN, ETC. LEM    Good thing I had that with me.   Though now I gotta leave it. SOUND    SATCHEL DOWN FANSHAW    Of course. SCOTTY    I'm really sorry about this, sir. LEM    I doubt me you coulda stopped it, son.  And you been punished enough. SCOTTY    What do you mean?  They musta knocked me out, but I don't even feel it. FANSHAW    I'll deal with him. LEM    I'll leave you to it.  SCOTTY    What are you doing? LEM    Gonna haveta hoof it back to town - cain't take naught but my guns.  You gon' be all right? SOUND    RUSTLE OF BUSHES FANSHAW    Well, we won't be able to do much to stop them if they came across your bag, but that looks like a good hiding place.  Especially in the dark. SCOTTY    Can't do anything?  What are you talking about?  FANSHAW    Hush, Scotty.  Let Lem get moving and we'll have a good long talk. SOUND    BOOTS RUN OFF 2_REBEL CAMP SOUND    MANY HORSES, MEN CHATTER, etc. SOUND    GRISHAM STUMBLES IN GRISHAM    Where the hell?   [Thunder?]!  Goddam rustlers!  SOUND    MEN WALK BY LEADER    Two horses, two saddles.  I don't like it. SECOND    Guerrero had the kid down before we realized.  But if there's another scout, he won't be able to get anywhere - at least not soon enough.   LEADER    [thinks, then definite] We must move up the charge. SECOND    We're nearly ready.  3_NO HEAVEN SCOTTY    [trying not to cry] So that's IT?  I mean this is it?  No nothing left?  No heaven? FANSHAW    There are so many things even I don't understand.  I wish I could offer you more in the way of consolation. SCOTTY    But don’t no one ever pass along? FANSHAW    Most do.  And I'm even aware of those who spend some time like this, and then pass on, though there's no easy answer for how or why it happens. SCOTTY    And I won’t never even get to be with a woman. FANSHAW    [uncomfortable] Oh, dear.  That is a shame. SCOTTY    What's it like? FANSHAW    [dread] What is ... what... like? SCOTTY     Being with a woman? FANSHAW    Ohhh.... 4_RUNNING LEM    [heavy but measured breathing] SOUND    RUNNING FOOTSTEPS - TROT, NOT DASH LEM    [muttered] Dammit.  Leastways there's a good moon. 4A_FLASHBACK MUSIC    FLASHBACK SOUND    NIGHT, DOGS, CHICKENS - ALARUMS SOUND    ANGRY MOB, OFF ROBERTS    [yelling, off]  Leastways, there's a good moon!  PIEDMONT    [up close, heavy breathing, trying to be quiet] ROBERTS    [off, yelling]  Spread out!  Don't let that traitor get away!  Where's that rope? PIEDMONT    [gasp, then trying to breathe even quieter] SOUND    VERY SLOW CREAK, SHUTTING DOOR ON THE NOISE. YOUNG LEM    [about 12] Whatchoo doin', mister? PIEDMONT    [terrible gasp, smothers a scream] 6_EXPERIENCE FANSHAW    My experience is not ... vast, but I have had one or two ... romantic encounters. SCOTTY    Well, you're a man of the world, ain't you?  You been all over the place! FANSHAW    Oh dear.  [up]  I've spent most of my life deep in study.  I suppose I've always felt there would be time - later - to settle down to a family and all.  SCOTTY    Me too.  Not the studying, but the ... "later". FANSHAW    [after a moment]  Women are.... soft. SCOTTY    [eager] Yeah? FANSHAW    And round.  In places where men aren't. SCOTTY    But they do got legs, don't they? FANSHAW    [flabbergasted]  What? SCOTTY    You never don't see none of them out of skirts!  Who knows what they got under there? FANSHAW    Well, that I can answer - generally, women are made the same as men.  Arms, legs, heads - well, one head.  You understand. SCOTTY     [avid] And bosoms. FANSHAW    Yes.  Yes, that. 7_VARMINT SOUND    RUNNING, LEM'S HEAVY BREATHING UNDER THIS? PIEDMONT    Shh!  Don't let anyone know I am here. YOUNG LEM    You the varmint they's looking fer? PIEDMONT    There is no call to use such language, boy.  Do you know this area? YOUNG LEM    I should hope I do!  My pa's Mr. Jorgenson's top man. PIEDMONT    [sarcastic] So he's the one leading the search. YOUNG LEM    [pride] Yup. SOUND    OUTSIDE, THE ROW GETS CLOSER ROBERTS    [outside]  Get him, Honeysuckle, there's a good bitch! YOUNG LEM    [pride and fear] That's my pa! PIEDMONT    But you're not going to tell him I am in here? YOUNG LEM    I don't fancy getting whupped.  I ain't sposed to be in the barn at night.  8_YOUNG LOVE FANSHAW    I was in love.  When I was very young. SCOTTY    Was she really purtty? FANSHAW    [sigh] I thought the sun rose and set with my beloved's face.  Have you ever seen hair so fine and blonde that your fingers desperately wanted to touch it? SCOTTY    You talk so flowery, I bet all the girls jest love you! FANSHAW    Our parents objected.  They said we were too young, and I was packed off to school. SCOTTY    What didja do? FANSHAW    I waited.  I nursed my deep love, and remained constant, like patience on a rock. SCOTTY    You waited on a rock? FANSHAW    I waited at school.  I was determined that one day, when we were old enough that no one could object, I would return and we would be joined forever. SCOTTY    What happened? FANSHAW    I made my way to the object of my affection and...discovered... SCOTTY    Yes? FANSHAW    That I was the only one who had bothered to wait. SCOTTY    She'd gone and -- FANSHAW    My "dearest love" had married another.  Had, and I quote "almost forgotten about that summer." SCOTTY    Damn!  Women are right terrible. FANSHAW    Don't fault women, boy.  There are quite as many constant and sweet-natured females as there are fickle and wicked men.  We all deserve a "heaping helping" of the blame. 8_DISCOVERED SOUND    UNDER - LEM WALKING NOW, STILL BREATHING HARD, PACING HIMSELF YOUNG LEM    They're fixing to hang you? PIEDMONT    Yes. YOUNG LEM    Why?  What for? PIEDMONT    We were on opposite sides in a fight. YOUNG LEM    You mean the war?  Hmph.  My pa says why keep slaves when you can hire men for even cheaper and don't have to sell them if'n they don't do the job right. PIEDMONT    [incensed] You think your pa knows so much about everything, don't you? YOUNG LEM    [a bit afraid] Well, he knows where you are. SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN ROBERTS    There he is! MAN    Get him! PIEDMONT    [scream] SOUND    SCUFFLE, KNIFE DRAWN YOUNG LEM    [gasp, cut off by hand] PIEDMONT    I'll kill your boy, just see if I won't! 10_STUCK SCOTTY    You said you know about some folks what was like this for a time and then moved along? FANSHAW    Yes.  We've encountered one or two. SCOTTY    How'd it work? FANSHAW    Work? SCOTTY    I mean, I don't wanna be stuck out here, middle o' nowhere, all by my lonesome, forever! FANSHAW    I don't know that I have an answer for you.  I've only been - like this - for a... a couple of years, myself, and haven't seen a fraction of what Lem has. SCOTTY    Years?  You been dead for years and ain't moved on? FANSHAW    We... help people.  And I get to see the world - [half pleased, half rueful] hmph... in perfect safety.  11_SHOT SOUND    LEM RUNNING AGAIN PIEDMONT    [panicky, but trying to be placating] I am going to have to ask you to take a step back, sir!  My hand could slip a fraction of an inch, and that's all it would take.   YOUNG LEM    [gasp]  Pa? SOUND    GUNSHOT SOUND    TWO BODY DROPS ROBERTS    [cold] You understand we cain't leave that kind of critter running loose, don't you? 12_BUSINESS FANSHAW    Some folks stay because they have unfinished business, and once the business is completed, they are able pass on.  SCOTTY    Business?  I ain't never been in business. FANSHAW    No, no.  For instance, one young man was able to move along once his murderer was uncovered and hung. SCOTTY    Oh.  I spose that could happen. FANSHAW    Or perhaps when the horses have been recovered, since that was your task at the time of your death. SCOTTY    [very down] Oh, right. FANSHAW    [cheering]  Or, when the town has been warned.  That could very well have been at the forefront of your thoughts. SCOTTY    [wailing] Oh no!  FANSHAW    Whatever is the matter? SCOTTY    What if it's ladies? FANSHAW    [careful] What if what is "ladies"? SCOTTY    What if I can't never pass on til I been with a lady? FANSHAW    [cold, practical] That would be most extremely awkward.  Worry about that once we find out if you can get back to town or not. 13_WHUPPING YOUNG LEM    [sniffles a bit] ROBERTS    You crying, boy? YOUNG LEM    [stifling it] No sir. ROBERTS    Good.  Now run and let Mrs. Roberts have a look at that scratch. SOUND    A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN TURN YOUNG LEM    [blank] You shot him dead. ROBERTS    Yup. YOUNG LEM    In the dark, and on the draw, and din't even hit me. ROBERTS    Yup.  [beat]  You asking something? YOUNG LEM    What if he'd'a kilt me?  Or what if you did? ROBERTS    [long pause]  Life's hard, boy.  You cain't let folks get away with wrongdoing, no matter who they got a grip on. YOUNG LEM    Oh. SOUND    BARN DOOR SWINGS OPEN, COUPLE OF STEPS ROBERTS    Lem?  YOUNG LEM    [almost a gasp] Yessir? ROBERTS    [casual] Don't think I'm not gon' whale you for being in the barn by night, neither. [neeether] YOUNG LEM    [quiet, resentful] Yes, sir. 14_CRICKET SCOTTY    It ain't fair!  I'm being punished and I ain't never even done nothing! FANSHAW    Life is not fair.  Death even less so.  SCOTTY    I-- FANSHAW    [cutting him off] Still, I expect there must be some sort of answer.  SCOTTY    Answer? FANSHAW    Very likely, when they take your body back to town, you will accompany it, and there will find what you need to do to pass on. SCOTTY    What if they don't take it - me back? FANSHAW    Lem will see that they do. SCOTTY    Oh.  And what about you, Mister Fanshaw? FANSHAW    What about me? SCOTTY    Don't you get to pass on too? FANSHAW    Oh.  But you see Scotty, I have no wish to. SCOTTY    No?  Why? FANSHAW    I still have many things to see.  And I feel like I'm doing good here.  There's a story I read some time back, a sort of fable, about a puppet that comes to life. SCOTTY    That's crazy talk. FANSHAW    That's why it's a story.  In the tale, a cricket is asked to stay with him and make sure he does the right things. SCOTTY    All right.  Wait, a cricket, like a bug? FANSHAW    A talking bug, but yes, a bug.  SCOTTY    That’s just plumb crazy. FANSHAW    True.  [gasp]  Look at the horizon!  I think they are on the move! SCOTTY    Is there something we can do? FANSHAW    This is one of those times I truly wish there was. CLOSING     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 5 1_COMING SOUND    IN TOWN - HORSES, MEN, READYING FOR BATTLE COMMANDER    [commands]  We need more shot at the western boundary!  Get someone over there! SOLDIER    Yessir! SOUND    FEET RUN OFF SHARPLY SOUND    DISTANT APPROACH OF PAINED, SLOW RUNNING SOLDIER2    Sir!  Someone's coming!  On foot! COMMANDER    On foot?  SENTRY    [off] Halt! LEM    [breathless, with long gasps] I can't... If I stop...  I'm gon fall down...  And I gotta get to...  The commander. SENTRY    Stop, I say! COMMANDER    Let him on through. LEM    They're a-movin.  Deserters 'n comancheros.  Have guns.  COMMANDER    Why are you-- LEM    Kilt Scotty.  Took the horses.  Look sharp. Ungh! SOUND    FALLS DOWN COMMANDER    Are you all right?  [up] Someone get Doc! LEM    I'll be [coughing fit] fine. Jest let me lie till the shakin goes off. 2_SPOOK HORSES SCOTTY    We got to do something! FANSHAW    And just what do you have in mind?  I've already done all I can, scouting them for Lem.  By the time they come close enough for us to get a look at, they will be moving fast enough that we shall hardly have time to observe. SCOTTY    Can't we spook the horses or nothing?  That's what haints do, isn't it? FANSHAW    I was with you the entire trip out from town.  Did the horses seem spooked to you? SCOTTY    [really down] No. FANSHAW    If Lem makes it back in time, there are ways we can help him.  Otherwise, we are merely spectators at this show. 3_TONIC DOC    Can you get yourself around this? LEM    [still hoarse, puffing] Tonic? DOC    [shrug] Mostly brandy.  Medicinal. LEM    [rusty chuckle] Thanks, doc. [drinks] LISETTE     Oh, goodness.  I believe you are Fanshaw's dear friend.  LEM    [coughs] DOC    Din't say it was GOOD brandy. LEM    [hawks, spits, clear throat]  Hits the spot.  LISETTE    [calculating] And not able to walk away.  [cruel chuckle] How perfectly jolly. DOC     The commander's gone off to rally the men, but they're like to need you to guide them.  You up fer it? LEM    Will be... shortly.  Any chance of a mite to eat?  It's been a powerful long night, and not looking to roll up any time soon. 4_DO SOMETHING SCOTTY    He's the only one what can hear us? FANSHAW    We've come across... others.  But they are very rare. SCOTTY    [yelling] I want to DO something!  I want to help! FANSHAW    There is no need to make such a ... a ruckus!  I am in precisely the same predicament! SCOTTY    But I-- GRISHAM    [off]  Will you two shut up?  They're trying to sneak up on your position! FANSHAW    Oh dear.  Come along. SCOTTY    Where? FANSHAW    To do the only productive thing - gather as much information as possible. 5_SADDLED SOUND    MEN READY TO GO SOUND    MOUNT UP LEM    [sigh of relief, but also soreness]  COMMANDER    You doing all right, there, feller? LEM    Better saddle than boots.  I fair run the soles offa these. COMMANDER     Morning comes, we'll stand you a new set.  Least we can do.  Let's go. SOUND    HORSES MOVE OUT LEM    Commander? COMMANDER    Hmm? LEM    Rather than meet them headlong, since ain't no way to know how far they come, might could I suggest a defensive position? COMMANDER    This town is not a good place for that.  Too spread out.  And there's no way to get everyone into the fort, not without leaving near everything they own ripe for the picking. LEM    Nah - I'm a-thinkin just this side of the bridge, right about halfway out.  Bridge and creek - they ain't much, but if we can catch them this side of it, put their backs to water, and use the treeline for cover-- COMMANDER    I like the way you think, hombre.  [up] Company!  [attention!] 6_FIGHT GRISHAM    Ain't no way you're taking me by surprise again, you-- ow! SOUND    PUNCH FANSHAW    [casual] shut up. SCOTTY    That was a good'un! But what if he lands one on you - he's awful big! FANSHAW    Leave him!  [quiet, moving away]  We can't actually be hurt.  But not everyone realizes that, and many feel the pain, even when there is no reason to.  I learned that the hard way. GRISHAM    [off] I'm a-gonna get you! FANSHAW    Blast!  He may not be able to harm me, but he can annoy and distract, and make it difficult to get anything constructive done. SCOTTY    Maybe - maybe I could keep him from bothering you? FANSHAW    How? SCOTTY     Well, I been plumb angry since I got kilt, and my momma says sometimes the best way to get over anger, if you don't got no pie, is to-- GRISHAM    Kill you, you girly man! SCOTTY    [grunt as he punches him] GRISHAM    oof! SCOTTY    Better'n pie!  You go on, Mr. Fanshaw, and do what you gotta. FANSHAW    Good lad. 7_GRANDKIDS LEM    [muttered] Fanshaw?  Damn.  Too far out.  COMMANDER    What's the terrain like beyond the bridge? LEM    Nothing much to speak of.  Some hills.  A ridge off to the north where first we saw them.  No place fer them to make a stand tween here and there, though. COMMANDER    Good.  Cain't let this sort of thing go.  LEM    Course not.  COMMANDER    You got the extra shot you needed, did you? LEM    Ayup.  Had to leave all o' mine cached back with Scotty. COMMANDER    You're sure he's ... dead? LEM    I'm afraid I do know dead when I see it. COMMANDER    [sad] That's too bad. LEM    Kin? COMMANDER    Nephew.  LEM    [trying to ease] He went down fightin. COMMANDER    That don't give my sister grandbabies. LEM    [symp] Nope, it shore don't. 8_PIRATES SOUND    MUCH CREEPING FANSHAW    Looks like about three score.  Hardly a fair fight, sneaking up on a defenseless town at night.  Like pirates. 8A_FLASHBACK MUSIC    FLASHBACK AMB    BRIGHT SUNNY DAY NANNY    Come along in now, bunny bug. YOUNG CLARA    Stop calling me that, nanny!  I'm very nearly 10 years old. NANNY    You'll always be my little bunny bug.  Oh!  Whatever is that tea towel doing on your head?  [gasp of fear]  Did you hurt yourself?  Show nanny! YOUNG CLARA    No!  I am a pirate. NANNY    Do not be so silly.  There are no pirates. YOUNG CLARA    Of course there are.  They are in books, so they must be real. NANNY    Besides, you cannot be a pirate. YOUNG CLARA    Well not just NOW.  When I am bigger, I shall be able to do whatever I want. 9_WASPS COMMANDER    Did you see how big a force they had? LEM    Not to count them, but it was bigger'n I thought.  At least 30, probably more. COMMANDER    [skeptical] Really? LEM    They had a dozen cookin fires goin, and you don't make a fire to feed a lone fellow. COMMANDER    [considers, then agrees] No, you don’t.  LEM    'Sides, better to expect a whole hive of wasps than be surprised by one too many. COMMANDER    [chuckles]  Sound thinking.  [up]  Lieutenant! 10_BAG SOUND    STILL MUCH MOVEMENT SOUND    SCOTTY AND GRISHAM, FIGHTING SCOTTY    [pleased] You tired yet, feller?  I ain't even blowed! GRISHAM    [tired] You little whippersnapper!  Think you can pull a man's whiskers and walk away! FANSHAW    [muttered] There are some distinct benefits to being dead.  More than he will ever know.  [gasp] No. RUFFIAN1    Hey!  I found something! SOUND    CREAK OF LEATHER - LEM'S GEAR FANSHAW    [worried] Damn!  Lem's bag! RUFFIAN2    What? SECOND    Silence! RUFFIAN2    [whispered] bring it - we'll split it later! RUFFIAN1    Split it?  Nonsense!  It's mine, whatever it is! SECOND    [whispered] Keep moving! 11_SCOUT AHEAD COMMANDER    [ordering, but hushed] Take your men and circle round up thataway.  Get to high ground and cut off retreat. BOB    Yessir! LEM    If you don't mind, sir, I'us thinkin I might scout on up ahead a mite.  COMMANDER    You aren't even being paid to be part of this, fellow, why do you keep risking yourself? LEM    [shrug] Someone's gotta.  'sides I had to leave my kit behind, and wanna get it if I can before someone else lays hands on it. COMMANDER    Valuables? LEM    Nothin worth money, but some things cain't be replaced. COMMANDER    [teasing a bit] Go on then, but if you see them coming, you'll come back and tell us first, eh? LEM    [chuckle] I reckon. 12_LEAD ROPE SCOTTY    Mister Fanshaw!  That fellow just vanished!  Like he flew away, whilst I was a-hittin on him! FANSHAW    I fear I shall be gone shortly as well. SCOTTY    Why? FANSHAW    I am not sure of his reasons, but I must stay with the bag.  Now that it has been found... SCOTTY    Why?  Keeping an eye on it? FANSHAW    No.  There's something in there - Oh!  It's moving.  Stay with me as long as you can.  SCOTTY    Why can't I--? FANSHAW    Shh!  [very hurried] Picture a rope tied to something, say, to you - your body, over there.  And you are on the other end. SCOTTY    Like a training rope? [ASK PAT] FANSHAW    Basically, yes.  You can go anywhere, within the circle made by that rope. SCOTTY    [figuring it out] So you're ... tied to that bag? FANSHAW    Yes!  [gasp] Bloody thieves! SOUND    FANSHAW SUCKED AWAY 13_BE A BOY YOUNG CLARA    I am going to be a pirate!  I shall sail the seven seas and steal all the gold! NANNY    Stealing is very wicked.  YOUNG CLARA    But you can't be a pirate without stealing!  Then you're just a sailor! NANNY    And young ladies do not become pirates.  Young ladies become mommies. YOUNG CLARA    Or nannies. NANNY    [reassuring] Don't fret yourself, bunny bug.  You shall be a mummy. YOUNG CLARA    I should rather be a nanny.  Mummies are boring.  Nannies have things to do. NANNY    [sigh] Mummies have things to do too. YOUNG CLARA    I don't want to be a mummy, I want to be a pirate!  I want to see the world! NANNY    [stern] There are many thing in this world, Clara Fanshaw, that are only meant for boys. YOUNG CLARA    Then I want to be a boy! END     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 6 1_READY SOUND    NIGHT, MEN BEING QUIET, HORSES OFF COMMANDER    Yer sure you wanna go on out there, all on your own?? LEM    I'm best on my own, and I don't want another of yer boys on my conscience. COMMANDER    [acknowledging] Scotty. LEM    If I can't see my way to get back and warn you quick enough, I'll shoot off twice-- COMMANDER    [warning] They'll know you're there. LEM    I kin look after myself.  Two shots means it's a-comin, and I spect after that there'ull be plenty more shots to keep y'all busy.  I best get a move on. COMMANDER    One thing. LEM    Yeah? COMMANDER    One of my men swore he'd seen you before. LEM    [down] Oh. COMMANDER    And that you're the Deadeye kid. LEM    I- COMMANDER    [overriding, but clearly lying] I told him not to be so credulous.  Deadeye Kid looks nothing like that man that's about to save our town. LEM    [realizing] Ri-ight. COMMANDER    [serious] Don't make me a liar. LEM    I kin only do my best. SOUND    WALKS AWAY 2_BLACKGUARDS SOUND    COMMOTION, MANY MEN, HORSES, TRAVELING LEADER    [loud whisper] We'll leave the horses near the stream and sneak up. FANSHAW    Blackguards. RUFFIAN2    [whisper] What's in that bag you found anyways? RUFFIAN1    [whisper] Ain't had no time, but it's shore heavy. RUFFIAN2    [whisper]  Heavy is good!  Mebbe it's gold! RUFFIAN1    Well, I still ain't sharing! FANSHAW    Such stimulating conversation.  I wonder how far ahead of these ruffians I can manage to stay.  3_TALLYHO SOUND    STEALTHY MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH, STOPS LEM    Nothin.  [angry hmph] They cain't be too damn far off.  And ridin. FANSHAW    [distant]  Tally-ho!  LEM    [starts to laugh but turns it into a snort] FANSHAW    Halloooooo!  Halloo- [suddenly cut off] LEM    What the devil?  [shrugs, to himself] Well, you can take care of your own damn self. SOUND    RUNNING FEET TAKE OFF 4_STRUGGLE AMB    IN THE ATTACK FORCE GRISHAM     Now I gotcha sorted out! FANSHAW    [muffled noises] SOUND    STRUGGLING GRISHAM    Oh, no you don't!  SOUND    MORE STRUGGLE GRISHAM    I finally figgered out cain't do nothing to hurt me.  Long as I ignore it.  But I can still keep a tight grip on you. FANSHAW    [noise of effort] GRISHAM    [ouch!] Hey!  You bit me!  FANSHAW    Keep ahead of them!!!! GRISHAM    Waitaminute.  [disgusted noise] FANSHAW    [to grisham] Damn you all to--[muffled again] GRISHAM    Stop with all the wiggling, you stupid--  [stunned!] whatthehell? FANSHAW    [noise of effort] SOUND    STRUGGLE, BREAKS FREE GRISHAM    You're a-- ?  FANSHAW    You may be stronger than me, but I am faster. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM    what the hell?  A female? 5_SIGNAL COMMANDER    He's been gone a fair piece. SOUND    [DISTANT] TWO GUN SHOTS COMMANDER    [commanding, but quiet]  They're coming! SOUND    [command passes along ranks - GET VOICES] COMMANDER    [a bit superior]  I knew that that fellow was no sort of outlaw.  6_PLAN DOS LEADER    Shots? SECOND    Sir? LEADER    Damn.  Someone has seen.  Get El puerco and his fellows.  Tell them plan dos. SECOND    Plan dos, sir? LEADER    They'll circle south and get behind the town.  We get some children in hand, no one will fight any more. SECOND    Yessir! SOUND    RUNS OFF SCOTTY     [torn] I can't just let them-- [plaintive] but what can I do? 7_BUCKETFULL SOUND    HORSES APPROACHING NOTE - Lem is lying in wait, letting the group go past, and plans to pick them off from behind. FANSHAW    [distant but closer, yelling] Lem!  That dead friend of yours is about - watch out! LEM    [muttered] Damn.  And I don' want to go shootin no good horse jest to lay a varmint like that down. SOUND    HORSES BEGIN TO PASS LEM    [very quietly] 30...?  Nearer fifty.  That's a bucketful of wasps. SOUND    SHOTS!  (where the horses went to) LEM    [muttered to self] hold on.  SOUND    NO MORE HORSES COMING LEM    [muttered] almost... GRISHAM    There you are! LEM    [sharp intake of breath]  That don't work on me twice.  Specially when I been warned. GRISHAM    Oh, that girly friend of your'n?  Funny thing about that-- SOUND    GRISHAM IS YANKED AWAY LEM    Good riddance.  And jest in time. SOUND    BEGINS SHOOTING MaN    [shot, fall] 8_HOLD THE LINES COMMANDER    [roaring now] Hold the lines!  More shot, boy! BOY    Yessir! MAN    [hit, argh!] COMMANDER    Stay low! FANSHAW    All seems rather well here.  GRISHAM    There you are. FANSHAW    Bloody hell. GRISHAM    [nasty chuckle] I was just wondring - if I kin grab you, I bet I kin kiss you, little lady! FANSHAW    [dodging] I doubt you'll catch me again, now that I'm watching for you, but I will admit that one advantage to being a ghost is that I needn't make an effort to remain upwind of you. SOUND    FANSHAW OUT 9_RELOAD SOUND    COMMOTION OFF, NOT RIGHT HERE SOUND    RELOADING SOUND    NEARBY HORSE PFFS LEM    That's nine.  SOUND    SLAPS GUN SHUT SCOTTY    [distant, yelling] Someone!  They're circling round!  There's some fellers as are going south to get behind lines! LEM    Damn.  [listens for a second]  Fanshaw?  Damn.  SCOTTY    [yelling]  Please!  Don't let them hurt nobody in town. LEM    [muttered] boy'll yell himself hoarse.  [chuckles]  dead don't get hoarse.  But I gotta get one.  [clucks to horse] SOUND    HORSE BLOWS LEM    [grunts as he swings into the saddle]  Come on. FANSHAW    [a bit distant] Lem? LEM    Wazzat?  There you are! FANSHAW    Close as I can get just now, and can't stay.  That blighter keeps trying to grab me. LEM    Grisham?  Yeah. FANSHAW    The commander seems to be holding well.  The villains have taken heavy losses and are starting to fall apart. LEM    Good.  Can you yell to Scotty, let him know I got his message? FANSHAW    What message? LEM    Just try and tell the boy.  So he can rest hisself.  [to the horse] Geeyah! SOUND    HORSE TAKES OFF FANSHAW    Scotty?  Can you hear me? 10_YOU STAY COMMANDER    Let's clean this up - leave none of them to try and harm the town. CORPORAL    Yessir! Should we capture them, or-- COMMANDER    This is no time to be peaceable.  They set themselves up to attack a settlement, and we have to take serious measures. SOUND    HORSE APPROACHING LEM    [distant] Commander! COMMANDER    Let him through.  [up, to Lem]  Looks like we've got nearly all of them.  SOUND    GUNSHOTS DISTANT COMMANDER    A bit of tidying up to do, but-- SOUND    HORSE PULLS UP and STOPS LEM    [to horse] Whoah!  I overheard a couple at the back, saying they had a force circlin south - dozen men mebbe - to get round any resistance and come up behind.  COMMANDER    My god! LEM    Horse up a few good men, load em up and come with me. COMMANDER    You, boy! BOY    Yessir? COMMANDER    Bring my horse, quickly! LEM    You're needed here, surely? COMMANDER    You're the one who needs a rest, mister Roberts.  My corporal, here, will be happy to hear any other suggestions you might have, but I will be leading my men. LEM    Sound thinkin.  I have been going a bit. COMMANDER    Corporal? CORPORAL    [acknowledging] Yes sir. FANSHAW    Lem?  I think I got through to Scotty, but there's such a distance.  Poor lad, he merely wants to do his duty. SOUND    LEM DISMOUNTS LEM    Let's you and I see if we cain't root out a few more of these varmints.  I see purty well in the dark. CORPORAL    Excellent!  FANSHAW    I'll see what I can turn up. GRISHAM    Found you! FANSHAW    Oh, damn!  GRISHAM    You ain't never getting away from me, you-- FANSHAW    [hits out] GRISHAM    [ungh!] FANSHAW    Have to get him out of here, Lem.  Too distracting. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM    [laughs triumphantly]  Coward!  But I don't suppose I should be surprised. LEM    [quietly, but deadly serious] You don't stop making a fuss, I'm gon' kill your horse. GRISHAM    What? LEM    You sit still and be quiet or that horse yer so attached to is gonna find itself on the wrong end of a bullet.  You hear me? GRISHAM    [all the bluster gone]  Yeah. LEM    Good.  I don't fancy killin no animal just fer this, but this here's a battle-- SOUND    GUNSHOT LEM    [gasp, hit!] Damn! SOUND    QUICKDRAW, GUNS BLAZE GRISHAM    Hah!  I still gotcha! LEM    [weakening, through gritted teeth] Din't no one see them a-sneakin up?  CORPORAL    [commanding] Men! SOUND    MORE GUNSHOTS LEM    [groan] SOUND    BODY DROP AS HE COLLAPSES END   NEXT EPISODE BEGINS SOUND FADES IN AND OUT COMMANDER    Hold on, there, fellow. LEM    [vague] all's well? COMMANDER    We got em. LEM    My pack? COMMANDER    I'll set someone to finding it. FADE OUT DOCTOR    Bite down on this.  He's lost a lot of blood. FADE OUT BOOTMAKER    I'll have a new pair ready before he'll be walking anywhere on them.  You sure I should even bother--? FADEOUT WOMAN    Just a little bit of broth, mister.  You need to get some o'yer strength back. SICKROOM LEM    [annoyed moan] FANSHAW    You're awake. LEM    [quiet]  Anyone--? FANSHAW    Not close enough to hear - as long as you stay quiet. LEM    Good.  I been shot? FANSHAW    At least twice, judging by the bandages.  Once in the chest, once in the leg, I should say.  I should have been watching. LEM    [reassuring] Can't leave you to do everythin.   FANSHAW    [awkward pause, then stiffly]  Should I ...go? LEM    Go?  go where? FANSHAW    [covering] I - I mean, leave you in peace.  To rest.  I don't doubt you will still be needing a great deal of it. LEM    [straining a bit]  Did you see, did it go alla way through? FANSHAW    I don't know, but you were very fortunate - or so the doctor declared. LEM    [satisfied]  Good. FANSHAW    I'll leave you to your rest, then, shall I? LEM    Go or stay, I ain't so wrung out I cain't tell you got somethin on yer mind. FANSHAW    Oh. LEM    Is it that female ghost o'yours yer frettin over? FANSHAW    [bracing breath]  Yes. LEM    [exasperated snort]  Yer worried she said sumpin, izzat it? FANSHAW    Yes. LEM    [playing it up a bit] You furriners and the trifles that plague you. FANSHAW    So she did--? LEM    [shrug]  Yup.  So? FANSHAW    [surprised] So? LEM    You cain't be the first. FANSHAW    First? LEM    Nor the last, like enough. FANSHAW    But it... doesn't... bother you? LEM    Well, you don't do it no more. FANSHAW    I... don't? LEM    'sides, plenty of little fellers wet up the bed right up til they'us in long pants.  FANSHAW    What? END

In their first serialized adventure {in 5 parts}, Lem and Fanshaw accompany a "studier of the supernatural" to face something they may never have seen before - a ghost ... or at least a ghost that can affect the "real world". Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid -  J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson Dr. Sullivan - Michael Coleman  {Tales of the Extraordinary} Mr. Cartland - Reynaud LeBoeuf Emma Cartland - Jacquie Duckworth Melody Heath - Melissa Bartell Red - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Hank - Mark Olson Clyde Wishwell - Bob Noble Mr. Baker - Paul Green  {Encyclopedia of Weird Westerns} Add'l voices by Gene Thorkildsen Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock [Old photos used to make Fanshaw purchased from www.recycledrelatives.com] Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson -------  No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. **************************************************************** Haunting Melody Cast: [opening credits/Olivia] LEMuel Roberts - Spyder Clarence FANSHAW - julie Dr. SULLIVAN - Michael coleman Mr. CARTLAND - Mrs. EMMA Cartland - Jacquie Duckworth MELODY Heath - RED - HANK - CLYDE Wishwell - Bob Noble Mr. Baker, the real expert - Paul Greene OPENER OLD HOSS    No gunshots herald his approach.  No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. CLOSER OLD HOSS    The lonely cowboy cliché, always riding out, heading... yonder.  Join us again in two weeks when he rides back over that far horizon.      MUSIC SOUND     BUCKBOARD, HORSES FANSHAW    [straining] I think I can just make out a structure of some sort. LEM    Not much further now. SULLIVAN    Excellent.  I am in your debt for all your help in getting me out here. LEM    Woulda been a mite easier if'n you were were saddled, stead of carted. Some of these ruts-- SULLIVAN     I've never been much of a horseman.  And this is a fairish wagon.  FANSHAW    Garish, rather. LEM    Well, I reckon it was cheap. SULLIVAN    Oh, yes.  They rented it to me at a very reasonable rate. FANSHAW    Ah, rented.  That explains why he has not repainted over the "Piewacket Players" placard on the side. SULLIVAN    I understand a couple of the actors are - um - incarcerated for some while.  Renting me the wagon and horses saved them board and stowage.  Everyone benefits. FANSHAW    Actually, some of these murals are rather good.  If the players are half as talented as their painter, it might be worth seeking out one of their performances. LEM    [dubious] I reckon. FANSHAW    [musing] King Lear.  Julius Caeser.  Romeo and Juliet.  [chuckles]  They seem to perform a lot of the classics.  Shakespeare. LEM    Mmm. FANSHAW    Did you know that in Shakespeare's day - some 250 years ago - it was illegal for women to perform on the stage? LEM    Hush. FANSHAW    Oh, Lem, do let me impart a little culture for once. LEM    [Annoyed grunt] FANSHAW    Particularly while you cannot argue.  As I was saying, back in the day, all the female parts were played by young men. SULLIVAN    Oh, goodness!  Look at that! LEM    [eager] Whatsat? SULLIVAN    That's an awfully steep hill up ahead.  You think the wagon can manage it? LEM    I reckon so, reverend. SULLIVAN    "Doctor", please.  I prefer it as an honorific. LEM    [puzzled] But you're a "man o' god"? SULLIVAN    And a man of science as well.  I firmly believe that the church cannot simply deny science, but must embrace it, and hand in hand we shall move forward into the next century! LEM    [dubious] A'right then. FANSHAW    Fervent, isn't he? SULLIVAN    Sorry.  I find I must defend myself constantly - both against those who find science and religion incompatible, and against those who pooh-pooh my branch of science entirely. LEM    Oh?  SULLIVAN    [defiant]  I have made a comprehensive study of the existence of ghosts. LEM    [choking back a cough]  OH. FANSHAW    Oh, dear. MUSIC MELODY    [off] [wailing, hysterics] SOUND    DOOR OPENS, WAILING UP CARTLAND    Don't that girl ever shut up? EMMA    Bart!  She swears she's being tormented. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS CARTLAND    Hysteria.  You women can't stop yourselves from being women, but the least you can do is keep quiet when a man wants to think. EMMA    What do you want me to do?  Lock her in a madhouse?  She's my own flesh and blood!  CARTLAND    Your sister is pitching a fit 'cause she ain't getting her own way.  Nothing more. EMMA    But what if it is something more? CARTLAND    I got that well in hand. EMMA    What?  How?  CARTLAND    Don't go questioning me, woman.  Where's my grub? MUSIC SULLIVAN    [pugnacious] Do you, or do you not believe in ghosts? FANSHAW    [short bark of a laugh] LEM    [dry]  I reckon I do. SULLIVAN     Many people believe that the supernatural is somehow at cross-purposes with the bible, but it isn't so.  Ever since Solomon, the wisest men in the good book studied the ways of the supernatural, in order to overcome it. LEM    Solomon.  Izzat the king fellow? FANSHAW    Famous for his wise judgment.  And not cutting up the baby. SULLIVAN    Traditionally, many have always believed that the dead may carry on, side by side with the living, unseen but always present. LEM    Ain't this more of a church question? SULLIVAN    What do you mean? LEM    Well, if you believe folks just hunker down once they passed on, then what you think of heaven? SULLIVAN    I don't believe every soul lingers.  Have you ever heard of Purgatory? FANSHAW    Oh, goodness. LEM    Ain't that a town in Nevada territory? SULLIVAN    In the bible, purgatory is a place where people who are not good enough to go to heaven nor evil enough to go directly to hell are judged. FANSHAW    Which bible, precisely? LEM    Guess I never got that far in bible learnin. SULLIVAN    It is the premise for all my theories that purgatory is not a place, but merely a "state"-- LEM    [playing dumb] Wyoming? [1890] FANSHAW    [grim] Ask him which bible. SULLIVAN    [trying not to get exasperated] --and that spirits that need to be redeemed, or to mend their ways, may in fact be "in purgatory" much like someone could be "in a foul temper" - right next to us. FANSHAW    Balderdash!  Utter rubbish! LEM    Looky there!  That should be the ranch now! MUSIC MELODY    [heavy breathing, end of crying jag] SOUND    TAP ON THE DOOR, DOOR OPENS EMMA    Melody?  Are you feeling a little better? MELODY    [sullen]  I been bit. EMMA    Bit?  By what?  A rat? MELODY    Come and look. EMMA    I'll fetch a lantern. MELODY    No! EMMA    Or open the shutters? MELODY    No!!  They don't like the light!  I kin only open them at night. EMMA    [very upset] oh.  What can I do to help? MELODY    [disheartened]  Nothing.  EMMA    Are you hungry?  There's some good stew. MELODY    I can't.  I just can't. EMMA    Here, show me that bite. MUSIC LEM    [quiet] What's gnawing on you? FANSHAW    I do not consider myself a particularly religious fellow, but if there is one thing I have found quite frustrating about the wide open west it is that so many people simply decide that they are experts on this or that subject, and other people believe them, for lack of any alternatives. LEM    Mm? FANSHAW    He claims to know the bible, but then he goes on about this spiritism nonsense.  And purgatory!  I may not be a divinity scholar but a childhood of churchgoing taught me that that is a catholic conceit, and he's got it wrong anyway.  Purgatory was where souls waited out a period of penance, while their friends and family prayed for their release.  LEM    How'd they know if they got out? FANSHAW    I believe the priests would tell them.  It always smacked of extortion to me. LEM    [laughs]  Well.  How's all this gonna make a damn lick of difference just now? FANSHAW    What?  LEM    Whatever it is he believes - it gonna change the price of oats? FANSHAW    [sigh]  No.  LEM    Good.  That's cleared up, then.  Road's widenin up, and we'll be alongside the wagon agin soon.  MUSIC EMMA    We need to send Melody somewhere.  If only you had let her marry-- CARTLAND    She's 16 - too damn young, and don't know her own mind. EMMA    I know, but if she was away-- CARTLAND    Dammit woman.  You are my wife, and I will not be argued with. EMMA    Of course.  [beat]  Something bit her. CARTLAND    Bit?  Like a snake? EMMA    The marks....um... they looked-- CARTLAND    Oh, just spit it out. EMMA    They looked like they were made by a man! MUSIC SOUND    THEY ARE STOPPED. HORSES, HARNESS, DISMOUNT, ETC. SULLIVAN    Thank you ever so much for helping me to find my way.  I'm not much of an outdoorsman.  Or horseman. FANSHAW    Nor much of a cleric, apparently. LEM    Right happy to help.  Why is it you were comin all the way out here in the first place?  [chuckles] Not to put on a play. SULLIVAN    [chuckles] It is rather a curious wagon, isn't it?  But I am afraid my job here is rather confidential. CARTLAND    [yelling from off] Is that the Reverend?  Get on in here!  SULLIVAN    [dithering] Oh, um I-- LEM    I'll look to your horses.  You get along. SULLIVAN    Excellent.  FANSHAW    I don't like him.  LEM    You don' like his views. FANSHAW    They're gibberish! LEM    'Zat anythin like folderol?  [serious]  Why'n't you go on in and see what brand o' folderol he's spinnin to the good folks inside. FANSHAW    [stiff upper lip] I shall try and keep my temper. LEM    [muttered] Tryin never hurt no one. SOUND    A FEW MOMENTS OF UNHARNASSING, THEN SUDDEN TUSSLE, RED GRABS LEM AND SLAMS HIM INTO THE WALL OF THE BARN SOUND    HORSES ANNOYED, SHYING SOUND    GUN COCKS RED    [snarled] The Deadeye Kid. MUSIC SOUND    FANSHAW ENTERS CARTLAND    --convince her it ain't nothing but temper! EMMA    But the bite! SULLIVAN    A bite?  EMMA    She looks like she was bit, bad. CARTLAND    There's no way anyone could get in there and bite her. SULLIVAN    It isn't unheard of. FANSHAW    A bite? CARTLAND    [suspicious] Really? EMMA    See! SULLIVAN    Manifestations have demonstrated their ability to affect the material world in any number of ways. FANSHAW    [suspicious] Oh.  Do tell? CARTLAND    There's a simple answer for this.  She bit her own damn self.  She pulls one more shenanigan, and I'm taking a strap to the damn girl. EMMA    Never!  Our father wouldn't-- CARTLAND    He shoulda!  If your sister weren't spoiled, we wouldn't have to have this idjit in. SULLIVAN    Sir!  I am well respected in-- CARTLAND    [furious, overbearing] You are here to prove this ain't nothing but women's hysteria and a mulish girl's temper.  EMMA    But if it is something else? FANSHAW    What do you think it may be, I wonder? CARTLAND    Either she's doing this to herself, or she's plumb loco.  Which way do you prefer?  She's your flesh and blood. SOUND    BEHIND DOOR - CRASH MELODY    [screams] [BREAK]   MUSIC RED    What the hell are you doing here? LEM    Do I... know you? RED    Mebbe not, but I know you.  You're the Deadeye Kid. LEM    [resigned] Who'd I kill, that yer so riled about? RED    What in tarnation is wrong with you? LEM    Aside from being slammed up agin a barn, with iron in my face, nuttin comes to mind. RED    I'us there in Carson City.  Five years ago.  Watched you take down Iron John Sandoval. LEM    [after a pause]  And? RED    Saw how fast y'are.  Hmph.  Used to be. LEM    Mmm? RED    [offended]  You din't even see me comin. LEM    My mind was took up with sumpin else. SOUND    HAMMER EASES BACK RED    You should vamoose.  This ain't no place for them as has lost their edge. LEM    You might wanna back off a piece. RED    Whyzzat?  Can't look me in the face and admit you're getting old? LEM    My gun hand's starting to cramp up sumpin fierce, and I cain't ease down til you pull your cohones off'n the barrel.  RED    You - what?  [looking down, gasps] LEM    Right shame to shave your stumps - seein as we're all compadres now. SOUND    BACKS OFF SOUND    HAMMER DOWN, GUN INTO HOLSTER, SLAP ON THE BACK LEM    You look like a man that might could use a drink.  MUSIC SOUND    HORSES, BARN SOUND    FANSHAW ENTERS FANSHAW    I say, Lem?  Are you alone? LEM    Lessen you wanna chat with the hosses. FANSHAW    What do you really think of this fellow? LEM    From yer tone, I'm guessin you mean the reverend - doctor. FANSHAW    Ye-ess. LEM    I figger he's harmless.  Cain't actually know a lick about all's he's talkin about. FANSHAW    Right.  [beat]  Do you ever wonder? LEM    I wonder alla time.  Any particular wonderin yer wonderin about? FANSHAW    About this.  About spirits.  About good and evil. LEM    Never reckoned on em hitched like'at.  FANSHAW    You don't think of ghosts as being somehow inherent wicked? LEM    You havin a crisis of faith?  I reckon jest like with anyone, only you can know if you're evil. FANSHAW    I - well, I don't mean myself, I suppose.  LEM    [teasing]  So you think you're better than e'rbody else. FANSHAW    No.  I don't know.  LEM    What brought all this on? FANSHAW    From what I observed in the house, there may be an argument here for an evil spirit of some sort. LEM    And? FANSHAW    And?  And what?  LEM    Spirits're just as evil or saintly as the folks they used to be.  Don't make no nevermind to no one but me. FANSHAW    I mean an evil spirit with ... powers. LEM    [sure] Ain't no such thing. FANSHAW    Are you so very certain? MUSIC SOUND    OUTSIDE, WALKING LEM    I ain't never seen no spirit could touch nothin in the real world. FANSHAW    Neither have I, but what if there is? LEM    We do whatever we gots to. SOUND    FEET APPROACH RED    [coming in] Kid! LEM    [sigh]  Just Lem, if'n you please. RED    Oh, drat.  Right.  You done with them horses? LEM    Tucked up tight.  You ast about the job? FANSHAW    Job? RED    Mr. Cartland's right happy to have another hand, even if you don't plan on staying fer long.  With all that's been a-going on-- LEM    What all is it that's been a-goin on? FANSHAW    Evil spirits. LEM    Is it what's been drivin off all your help? RED    Come on, let's getcha some grub.  Hank'll be pleased to have someone new to jaw to. MUSIC SOUND    KITCHEN, EATING SOUND    DOOR OPENS HANK    Red. RED    Hank.  This is Lem.  Come in with the doctor fella. LEM    Hank. HANK    You work for the reverend? RED    He's-- LEM    I work fer jest about anyone as needs me.  Doctor needed a guide. RED    Lem's gonna help out round here fer a while. LEM    Long as the doc's on hand, might as well make myself useful. HANK    Did you tell him what's going on?  What cleared us out? RED    Here, have a plate of stew, Lem.  I'm sure Hank can tell it better'n me. HANK    [uncertain] Oh, I--- RED    He actually saw it. LEM    Saw what? HANK    That girl.  She's possessed! LEM    Possessed of what? HANK    No!  Possessed!  Taken over by an evil spirit! LEM    [considering] I don't figger I put much stock in such things.  Ain't no other explanation? HANK    What else could explain how I - I saw a strange light in her window late at night-- LEM    What were you doin' out? HANK    [thrown off] What?  I was - uh - having a smoke. LEM    She a good-lookin' girl?  Apart from whatever travail she's in? HANK    That ain't the point.  I was off a ways and saw a light.  It din't look natural.  So I went closer to see. LEM    How high's this window? HANK    I don't know!  Chest-high, I s'pose.  But I sawr everything!  [yarning]  Right from the first, I was froze to the spot.  Couldn't look away.  In this strange blueish colored light, there was something flyin back and forth across the room-- LEM    A bird? HANK    No!  A cushion or a hat or something - something that had no damn business flyin! LEM    [mild amazement] Oh! HANK    And then I saw the girl herself crawling about the floor like an animal.  LEM    Mebbe she dropped sumpin. HANK    But it weren't natural!  You can explain away one thing after another, but that light won't never look right. LEM    I meant no disrespect, just know how late at night moonlight can be a bit mazy.  Can make things look wrong way round and bigger than life. HANK    Well, this weren't out in the moonlight - it was in her room. LEM    Right.  HANK    You ain't a-scared? LEM    I'm a bit behind when it comes to afearin things.  Got to see sumpin for myself before I can work up to gooseflesh.  Yerself? HANK    I'm pert near hightailing it out of here, I tell you what.  One more night like that and you'll be seeing the back of me. RED    Ain't likely, Hank old hoss.  You relish the tellin of your tall tales too much to miss a chance fer another one. MUSIC CARTLAND    It's pure mulishness, is what it is.  The girl wanted to marry, and I said no. SULLIVAN    You're surely not her father, though? CARTLAND    Father's passed on.  I ain't blood, but I married her sister and that makes me the lawful man of the house and head of this family.  She gots to understand that. EMMA    I still think-- CARTLAND    Regardless of whether she's old enough to marry, I wan't about to let her run off to the damn Wishwells and take half the ranch with her. EMMA    Our father left us even shares. FANSHAW    Hmm.  And that man married yours. SULLIVAN    Ah.  I should talk to the girl, now. MUSIC HANK    Well.  SOUND    SLAPS THIGHS, GETS UP HANK    That hay won't pitch itself.  Care to lend a hand, feller? LEM    Lem.  I-- RED    I need him yet fer a mite.  I'll send him along when we're through. LEM    That's a mighty fine looking belt buckle you got there, Hank.  Turquoise? HANK    Yup.  LEM    And silver.  [musing] Mighty fine. SOUND    WALKS OUT DOOR LEM    Why d'you stay, Red? RED    Been with Mr. Cartland for nigh on 10 years. Since before he married the missus.  Fact is, that was when we came through Carson City. LEM    You friends? RED    Nah, he ain't one fer making friends of the hands.  But he's fair.  Hard, but fair.   LEM    Now tell me.  [a bit humorous] Apart from having the nerve of a grizzly, why ain't you scairt? RED    I plumb don't feel it.  Whatever's a-going on with the girl, it don't hit me here.  You ken? LEM    I reckon. RED    It's like ... play actors.  They can make you like the story, but they cain't never make it real. LEM    Gotta good solid head on them shoulders, Red.  I purpose to find out what all's transpirin here, and if'n yer strapped fer it, I'd shore thank'ee kindly for any help. RED    [admiring] You ain't lost none of yer sand, have ya? LEM    I reckon the wind's just blowin it in the right direction these days. MUSIC SOUND    DOOR CREAKS OPEN SULLIVAN    Young lady?  MELODY    [very tired and small sounding] Who's there? CARTLAND    It’s the feller gonna tell you what a liar you been. EMMA    Husband! CARTLAND    Go on then.  Tell her. EMMA    I'll open them shutters. MELODY    No! EMMA     Just a crack!  It's fair dark in here! SOUND    FEET, SHUTTERS SULLIVAN    Sir!  I must insist on being able to interview the girl in relative peace! CARTLAND    I ain't a-stopping you. SULLIVAN    You must be quiet and leave the girl to answer for herself. EMMA    Please! CARTLAND    [somewhat subdued]  Go on. SULLIVAN    Miss Heath, your lady sister has told me some of your symptoms, but I would like to hear them from you.  What is your chief complaint? MELODY    They never let me sleep! FANSHAW    [far corner] Poor girl does look tired. CARTLAND    Nor us out here!  I ain't had a good night through in weeks. SULLIVAN     [sharp] Shh!  [calm]  They?  Who are "they"? MELODY    You won't believe me any more than anyone else does. CARTLAND    Hmph. SULLIVAN    I believe a great many things.  Pray, humor me. MELODY    They come at night, and pinch me.  Pinch my arms and legs - all over!  And one bit me - See here! CARTLAND    You bit your own damn self! MELODY    [whimpers] SULLIVAN    Sir!  Would you be kind enough to leave?  As long as you insist on berating the poor girl, she will never be calm enough to tell me all her troubles. CARTLAND    Fine.  Come on, woman. SOUND    DOOR ROUGHLY OPENS EMMA    Shouldn't I stay?  For decency's sake? CARTLAND    Man's a holy father, even if he is a soft-headed idjet.  Whatcha think he might do? EMMA    I suppose. MELODY    I'll call if I need help! EMMA    You do that. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS MUSIC SOUND    MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH RED    From his yarn, Hank was right about'chere when he saw the lights. LEM    Hard to reckon what this'ud look like in full dark.  What'us the moon like? RED    Middling, round about. LEM    Hmm.  And that'ud be the window? RED    Yup.  Though way Hank tells it, it was full open when he was looking. LEM    [surprised] Oh! RED    What? LEM    Let's fade back a bit.  Don't want anyone to spy us. RED    Why?  Mm?  [sees] Oh! MUSIC [BREAK]   AMB    OUTDOORS FANSHAW    There you are!  I've just witnessed the most appalling-- RED    Did we really see what I think we jest saw? LEM    I'm afeared so.  RED    That varmint!  Taking advantage of a nice-- LEM    She din't look "put out" to me.  Any fired-up on her part weren't the angry kind, if you catch me. FANSHAW    [sarcastic] Oh.  So you saw it too.  How useful am I? LEM    Mighty useful.  [slightly different] To know that sumpin's up with them.  Looked like they knowed each other afore this. RED    I guess you could safely say that. FANSHAW    I tactfully took my leave. SOUND    HOOFBEATS APPROACH RED    Who in tarnation?  Damn!  LEM    What? RED    [heavy import] That's Clyde Wishwell and his boys! MUSIC SOUND    TAP ON DOOR EMMA    Doctor?  Is everything all right in there? SULLIVAN    [within] Yes!  Quite.  SOUND    FOOTSTEPS APPROACH THEIR SIDE OF DOOR SULLIVAN    [within]  I have all I need for the moment. SOUND    DOOR OPENS SULLIVAN    [cautious] Is your husband ...nearby? EMMA    He had to step out. SULLIVAN    [relieved]  Ah. EMMA    I have the guest room ready for you.  Your drover can bunk with the men. SULLIVAN    My--?  Oh, yes.  That fellow.  My guide.  SOUND    STEPS OUT, CLOSES DOOR EMMA    Is she...  Is she going to be all right, sir? SULLIVAN    I think this will take some time, but yes.  I believe she can be saved. EMMA    Saved?  You talk like she's ailing! SULLIVAN    [serious] She is.  It is an ailment of the soul. MUSIC SOUND    GENERAL DISMOUNTING, ETC. CARTLAND    [barely concealed hostility]  Wishwell. WISHWELL    Mr. Cartland.  I hope you don't mind the intrusion? CARTLAND    What do you want? WISHWELL    We found a fellow lost on our property, claims he'us supposed to be coming here.  We decided to give him an escort. BAKER    [a bit too much swagger]  Yes, yes.  Many thanks.  You may go ahead and leave. WISHWELLS MEN    [annoyed muttering] CARTLAND    Who the devil are you? BAKER    You sent for me.  WISHWELL    He was mighty tight about his business with you, Mr. Cartland.  I'm right curious. BAKER    That is between Mr. Cartland and myself.  Are you waiting around for a reason?  I could-- SOUND    COINS RATTLE WISHWELL    [civility slipping] No need, sir!  I reckon a man does you a good turn, seeing you to your destination, rather than shooting your backside fulla buckshot as a trespasser, he deserves a bit of an explanation! CARTLAND    Yeah.  Explain. BAKER    [exasperated] Very well.  I am the ghost expert you sent away for. MUSIC AMB    OUT BACK LEM    Why'm I all of a sudden smellin a rat? FANSHAW    You mean Sullivan's obvious "familiarity" with young miss Heath? LEM    Biggest rat I seen recently. RED    You think they got somethin "on" between them? LEM    I'm wondrin has anyone actually clapped eyes on the fellow she got her heart pinned to. RED    How'd you hear about that? FANSHAW    Damn! LEM    [calm] I just hear things. RED    Oh.  But it was one of the Wishwells she was a-hankerin after.  FANSHAW    And the Wishwells just rode in.  Perhaps we should go and take a look at the other side of this little chess match. LEM    Lets go get us a look at the Wishwells. RED    Right. FANSHAW    I'll stay in the house - keep an eye on the courting. MUSIC CARTLAND    YOU'RE the expert?  Then who the devil we got inside?  [yelling over his shoulder] Emma! BAKER    [smug] Well, I can't help you there, I'm no clairvoyant - merely a seeker after truth in the field of spiritualism. WISHWELL    [a bit worried] Really?  Hmm. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, EMMA COMES ONTO PORCH EMMA    What is it?  Oh!  Comp'ny! CARTLAND    They ain't compny, they's Wishwells.  Get that city slicker out here.  We got a bit of a branding problem here. BAKER    Are you implying there's someone here claiming to be me? CARTLAND    Someone here's claiming something, but I don't know which of you it might be. SOUND    SWITCH OF PERSPECTIVE, FEET APPROACHING - RED AND LEM BAKER    [off a bit] I have credentials and letters of recommendation. RED    That's Ezekial Wishwell, in the tan hat.  He's a big rancher over t'other side of the valley. LEM    And if one of his marries that Miss, inside- RED    Reckon he'll get his hands on her half of the ranch here. LEM    Hmm. SOUND    FADING BACK TO CARTLAND's POV WISHWELL    You sent off for a ghost hunter, and you cain't even remember his name? CARTLAND    I contacted him through some damn psychical society in the newspaper out of Carson city.  BAKER    Yes.  Precisely.  The "friends in passing". CARTLAND    And it's bad enough I gotta do such a damn fool thing just so's I can put my wife's mind at rest about her damn fool sister-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FEET ON PORCH EMMA    Here he is. SULLIVAN    You needed me for something? [FADING BACK TO LEM] WISHWELL    Whatcha gonna do with two of them? SULLIVAN    Two of who? BAKER    Is that the imposter? EMMA    What? RED    It's the doggonest thing I ever heered of! LEM    It's a wonder, sure enough. FANSHAW    They've vacated the - ahem - bedroom.  RED    You think there's gonna be a fight?  Dunno that them two guys would make much of a scrap - that first one's too prissy and citified, and the other's kind of a runt.  But it might be something to see. LEM    I need a chance to palaver. FANSHAW    This might explain the idiotic views of Sullivan - I mean, if he is the imposter. LEM    [muttered] People can be thick as two thumbs and still ain't liars.  Happens all th'time. SOUND    FADING BACK TO CARTLAND RED    Whazzat? LEM    Trying to logic out which might be the one sposed to be here. FANSHAW    Oh, there's the girl! SOUND    BARE FEET ON WOODEN PORCH [argument that runs under above] SULLIVAN    I am an ordained minister, sir, of the church of the holy seekers after truth! BAKER    That hack cabal?  They wouldn't know a phantom from an apparition.  I have trained with the most respectable societies in the British Isles! SULLIVAN    Hidebound stick-in-the-muds! BAKER    Newfangled snot-nosed infants, tampering with forces outside your ken! SULLIVAN    Infants!  I'll have you know-- SOUND    MELODY'S BARE FEET RUN OUT ONTO THE DIRT MELODY    Stop!  Please!  [scream of terror, some thrashing about] CARTLAND    What the devil? SULLIVAN    Quickly, bring some warm tea, and a cold compress, if you have one. EMMA    Yes!  SOUND    SHE DASHES INTO THE HOUSE BAKER    Stay back!  The girl is under attack. WISHWELL    Looks like some kind of fit. CARTLAND    Fit o' temper.  Get up, girl! SOUND    FEET ENTER LEM    Mr. Cartland, might could I drop a word in your ear? CARTLAND    Who the hell are you?  Oh, right, you come in with the preacher - maybe preacher. LEM    Something you need to know. FANSHAW    Are you planning to tell him about the assignation?  He'll do something terrible to that poor girl - you've seen how beastly he is to her. LEM    I know you're looking after the best interests of your family here. FANSHAW    He threatened to beat her! CARTLAND    I do what I gotta. FANSHAW    Even if she is feigning all of this, surely she doesn't deserve-- LEM    And I can tell you're purt near your wits end. CARTLAND    zat so? LEM    I think you done took more than most men can take, so I don't fault you none for flyin off the handle.  I might could have an answer for all this. CARTLAND    [interested] Really? LEM    Yup.  It was somethin that Sullivan fellow said regarding the bible. CARTLAND    [disbelieving] Really? LEM    Once they get this little dustup sorted, mebbe could I try something?  CARTLAND    What you planning? LEM    I promise you, I don't reckon no one'll get hurt - leastways not bad - but beyond that, can't tell you much or it'll fall flat.  CARTLAND    Is this some of this spiritual hoodoo manure? LEM    Well, let's say I'm gonna connive them into believin it is. CARTLAND    Hmm...  [chuckle]  Go on, then. MUSIC EMMA    She's settled again, but she keeps tossing and a-turning. CARTLAND    [calmer]  If I'm right, and she's just doing this all out of pique, what do you think should be done?  You really think us going on and giving in is gonna make everything all right? EMMA    Me?  I--  but it's too drastic to be-- CARTLAND    I ain't asking if you think she's making it all up, just what you reckon we should oughtta do if she is. EMMA    Oh.  [pacing]  Well.  It's a terrible thing she's doing - if she's doing it.  But it can't be easy on her, either.  All them hurts she's took. CARTLAND    Lotta effort to make you feel sorry for her. EMMA    If she's faking, then wouldn't the reverend know it? CARTLAND    Stick to the question at hand. EMMA    You're much less riled than you been in days - do you know something? CARTLAND    With two doctor types on hand, how can I not see a light at the end of this here tunnel? EMMA    Oh. CARTLAND    [almost gentle]  I'm waiting. EMMA    I agree - we can't, in good conscience, let her get her way through these kinds of shenanigans - always assuming she's-- CARTLAND    Yes, yes.  We're assuming. EMMA    But what can we do for punishment?  Lock her away?  I couldn't bear that. CARTLAND    What'choo think about schooling? EMMA    What? CARTLAND    Send her off to school - back east or somewheres where rich folks send their girls, and take the cost of the schooling out of her half the ranch.  We'll call it bail. EMMA    It would keep her away from the Wishwells.  And it would get her away from-- CARTLAND    Us?  EMMA    [sigh] Yes. MUSIC LEM    I may not have the booklearnin y'all have, but I did have me a granny who did midwifing and could see and talk to all manner of spirits. SULLIVAN    Really?  How ...rustic BAKER    You should never pooh-pooh the lay folk.  Many have toiled in the fields of the supernatural without even realizing they did. Back home in-- SULLIVAN    Of course, it is only a pity that so often they were seen as enemies of the church and persecuted, rather than embraced and put to good works. FANSHAW    Good gad, they're even worse in harmony. LEM    Well, Granny once told me of a sure cure for a plague of spirits. BAKER    Oh yes? FANSHAW    Watch out, he'll write a monograph on your granny.  Did you really have one? LEM    O'course.  It ain't easy, and it ain't exactly safe.  But when the only other path is being ridden round with spirits all your life, it's sometimes a risk you gots to take. SULLIVAN    Dangerous? LEM    O'course.  You got to make the spirits flee outta the afflicted one, and t'only way to do it is to convince them you're about to kill that person. SULLIVAN    [horrified] KILL? BAKER    That makes a strange sort of sense. LEM    Best ways are violent.  You cain't sneak up behind 'em, since half the convincin has to be that the one what's afflicted gots to believe it.  FANSHAW    Mention the flagellants in the bible.  They used whips to cleanse themselves of-- SULLIVAN    But we can't - that-that poor girl! BAKER    I am not certain I could do it myself, but I would be most interested in observing. LEM    Oh, I can do it.  You two should oughta  make sure no one else gets in the way, though. SULLIVAN    But you wouldn't really hurt her? LEM    I s'pose it depends.  Sometimes, the spirits are figurin you wouldn't really hurt no one, and they hang on for the first hurt or two.  Like them fellas that whip themselves bloody right there in the bible. SULLIVAN    [horrified] Oh no!  I can't let you do that to any poor defenseless woman. LEM    Don't think it's your choice to make, old hoss.  BAKER    As long as she is afflicted, it will have to be dealt with. SULLIVAN    Let me try something else, first!  I might have a way to-- LEM    That's right fine.  We'll come along and observe your way. SULLIVAN    No!  It's -- it has to be performed in total secrecy. LEM    Cain't hide from the spirits, though. FANSHAW    I take the hint. BAKER    You should be grateful for the help. SULLIVAN    Leave me alone for a minute!  I have to - to pray! SOUND    WALKS OFF FAST LEM    [almost a chuckle] BAKER    What got into him? FANSHAW    I think he truly cares for the girl. LEM    A mighty old spirit indeed. MUSIC [BREAK]   EMMA    They're gonna hurt her? CARTLAND    They don't think it will come to much.  Just enough to scare the spirits out of her. EMMA    Melody's my sister - I cain't just let them beat her! CARTLAND    [trying to be comforting] Don't sound like there's any other way they're gonna manage this.  [beat] This feller sounds like he knows what he's doing. EMMA    [incredulous] Sounds like he--?  How can you say that? CARTLAND    [curt]  I will stop him before he does anything too... drastic.  EMMA    You got no fine feelings about seeing her hurt.  You would have-- CARTLAND    [getting annoyed] I'da punished her, yeah.  Now get out my way.  I'm done talkin! MUSIC RED    Lem, over here a minute. LEM    [queit] Yeah? [up]  Mister Baker, why don't you see if the lady of the house might be able to find you a spot to sleep tonight?  BAKER    And that charlatan? LEM    Doctor Sullivan?  You let me handle him.  Oh, and - sunset.  That's the time to deal with ghosts. BAKER    Sunset? LEM    So says my gran. BAKER    Right.  I am quite interested to see how this goes. SOUND    BAKER WALKS OFF LEM    Sorry about that. RED    What are you up to? LEM    Takin a tip from the bible.  You with me? RED    Spect so.  WISHWELL    Could I have a word with you, sir? LEM    [sigh] Spect so. MUSIC SOUND    TAPPING ON WOOD [Sullivan sounds very different, western, rather than citified, and is speaking quietly, to avoid being overheard] SULLIVAN    Melody?  Melody? FANSHAW    Hmph.  Praying indeed.  I would say he's rather old for her, but that moustache doesn’t do much to hide a cheek that's barely seen a  razor. SULLIVAN    Please, Mel, honey! SOUND    TEENSY CREAK OPEN MELODY    Wallace?  You shouldn't be out there! FANSHAW    Wallace?  SULLIVAN    I had to come!  Everything's falling apart. MELODY    What do you mean? SULLIVAN    They've got some cockamamie scheme, and sounds like they're planning to hurt you.  Maybe bad. MELODY    Emma'd never let them do that! SULLIVAN    There's enough people here got no patience left, I doubt but that she couldn't stop them.  Can't you turn this? MELODY    It's got away from me!  What can I do? SULLIVAN    Maybe just say you're cured? MELODY    And then what?  That leaves me here with folks that hate me and no chance o'nothin'?  No chance of... us?  I'll die first! SULLIVAN    I'll try and come up with something.  But if it comes down to it, stop them before they hurt you.  Please promise you will! MELODY    [grim] I'll do what I gotta do. MUSIC WISHWELL    What you fixing to do, sir? LEM    Come sunset, I'll take drastic measures to free that girl from her torment. WISHWELL    You sound like you might have to kill her. LEM    I'm sure the reverend - uh - doctor sullivan can speak you best on torment and the afterlife.  He's got a nose fer it. WISHWELL    But what exactly are you planning to do? FANSHAW    Don't turn round.  Sullivan is lurking.  LEM    [sigh]  I hate to see anyone in pain.  But sometimes, ain't no choice.  If'n there's a spirit a-punishin that child, it ain't gon be easy to spook it out.  I may have to shoot her. SOUND    [men - including RED, WISHWELL, react]  LEM    [matter of fact] Don't worry none, though.  I once shot a man eight times - a'purpose - and he din't die.  [shrug] Can't use one hand no more, but apart from that he all healed up jest fine. WISHWELL    [horrified] And Cartland's gonna let you go on and do this? LEM    I get the feeling that if his wife would allow, he'd do it hisself - he's that plumb wore out with the girl. WISHWELL    And what if we all decide to stop you? LEM    I don't see as how it's any of your business. SOUND    GUNS OUT WISHWELL    [sterner] And what if we all decide to stop you? SOUND    SHOTGUN COCKS CARTLAND    [off]  I think mebbe it's time fer you to get along home, then, Wishwell. SOUND    GUNS UP WISHWELL    [forces laugh]  We were just looking out for your best interests, Cartland.  Have you heard?  This here fellow is fixing to shoot your sister. CARTLAND    Well, something's gotta be done with the girl.  FANSHAW    Is he serious, or did you have a chance to warn him? LEM    Glad to see you took my counsel serious, Mr. Cartland. FANSHAW    Ah.  CARTLAND    And now Wishwell, you and your boys can take my counsel - Git! WISHWELL    I'll be telling the sheriff about these goings on.  CARTLAND    You do that.  Sunset's about an hour away - you won't get there and back by then.  And I figure this way.  If my wife's sister can be bit by ghosts, maybe she can get shot by them too.  Ain't no one here gonna say otherwise, once all's said and done. MUSIC SOUND    TAPPING ON SHUTTER MELODY    Wallace? FANSHAW    [explaining] That's Sullivan. SOUND    TAPPING LEM    [indistinguishable grunt] MELODY    Wallace? SOUND    SHUTTER CREAKS OPEN MELODY    Are you-- [gasp of fear!] LEM    You want to talk to me, girl.  And you want to stay quiet. MELODY    My sister is jest in the next room. LEM    I know.  And I ain't askin fer nothin improper.  Cartland's got Sullivan sewed up in argument fer the moment, so I got one chance for you. MELODY    Chance?  Fer what? LEM    Wallace.  You in love with the boy, or jest lookin fer a way out from under your folks? MELODY    We're in love.  LEM    You want him more than you want your share of the ranch? MELODY    [teensy hesitation]  Yes. LEM    And would he and his take you without you had that parcel to offer? MELODY    He would.  LEM    And his pa out there?  Mr. Wishwell? MELODY    [gasp] You know? LEM    I know a lotta things.  F'r'instance, tonight's gonna be an interestin night.  MUSIC FANSHAW    So if they're genuinely in love -- LEM    I think they are.  He's plumb torn up about the chance as she might get hurt.  Mebbe she's not so worried, but she seems true. FANSHAW    Then this is just like Shakespeare - Romeo and juliet.  Families opposed to one another, romance between the younger generation. LEM    'Zat give us any aid with sorting out this rats nest? FANSHAW    Well, they both died.  So I guess not. LEM    Hmm.  Plays. FANSHAW    What are you thinking? LEM    Well... I was playing at solomon.  Threatnin the girl to bring out-- FANSHAW    [realizing] The real-- Yes!  I've got it.  Jolly clever. LEM    I'm thinkin mebbe I got the wrong baby. FANSHAW    The wrong what? MUSIC In house CARTLAND    Can't be long now. EMMA    You won't let him really hurt her, will you? CARTLAND    [gentle] Emma.  He promised he wouldn't.  We have to convince her he would, though.  She gots to believe it. EMMA    Why? CARTLAND    If she's faking, she has to cry off.  If she ain't... well... he says the spirits gotta be convinced she's gonna die, so they'll haveta leave. EMMA    Oh.  I see.  Thank you. CARTLAND    [uncomfortable]   Right.  Just find us one of them schools, woudja? MUSIC OUTSIDE LEM    [talking to a crowd] Much as it pains me to have to do this, um, I reckon there ain't no way to solve this problem til we drive out the spirits here. BAKER    Where is the girl? LEM    She's a coming. SOUND    DOOR OPENS LEM    Speak of the devil. SOUND    SEVERAL PEOPLE WALKING OUT ON WOOD MELODY    Please!  What are you going to do? SULLIVAN    I protest!  I don't think this is safe! LEM    [muttered] We got any other company? FANSHAW    The wishwells never went very far.  Just out of sight, then circled back.  They're behind the barn. LEM    Good. FANSHAW    Red appears to be in his allotted position.  Hank is nowhere to be seen. LEM    Hmph.  [up]  Get on over here miss. MELODY    I'm scared! CARTLAND    It gots to be done. EMMA    Be strong, Melody. FANSHAW    No arguments?  Hmm.  I sense a reconciliation in the family. LEM    Harmony ain't no bad thing. FANSHAW    Rather goes with melody, actually. MELODY     What is it you plan to do? LEM    Gon' drive the evil sprits out.  Need you to stand right here, miss.  Don't move a muscle.  You got me? MELODY    Emma!  I don't want to do this! EMMA    Melody, there ain't no choice.  Not no more. SULLIVAN     I agree with the young lady - I feel this is too dangerous. MELODY    Dangerous?  Wh-what's a-going to happen? CARTLAND    [commanding but not being mean] Stand still, and let the man do his work. LEM    All y'all back on the porch now, if'n you please. SOUND    FEET LEM    Now miss, if you'll hold yerself real still. MELODY    I'll do my best. SOUND    GUNSHOT, HITS WOOD MELODY    [screams!]   [break?] EMMA    Be careful! MELODY    What did you do that for?  LEM    I'm shooting the ghosts.  That's why you gotta hold real still. SOUND    GUNSHOT MELODY     [gasp]  You nearly hit me! FANSHAW    The wishwells are getting closer. LEM    Good. SOUND    THREE GUNSHOTS MELODy    [scream of pain!] EMMA    What's that?  You said you wouldn't hurt her!  Is that blood? LEM    That's jest splinters.  Stay back. SOUND    TWO GUNSHOTS MELODY    [scream] SULLIVAN    Nooooooooo! SOUND    RUNNING FEET, SLOW MO SOUND    GUNSHOT SULLIVAN    [argh!  Death rattle] MELODy    [scream, death rattle] FANSHAW    [dry] Two with one shot.  Oh my. EMMA    [screaming] SOUND    RUNNING FEET LEM    Mr. Cartland, hold your wife.  Mr. Baker? BAKER    [flustered] um, um - yes. LEM    You got any doctoring? BAKER    Yes, yes, of course.  I'll check on them. WISHWELL    [coming roaring in]  Nooo! CARTLAND    What the devil you doing here, Wishwell? LEM    Stay back, there.  Let the doctor do his business. WISHWELL    Wallace!  Damn you, you sidewinder!  You are a dead man! SOUND    GUNS DRAW WISHWELL    You ain't steppin in this time, Cartland! CARTLAND    If I just saw what just happened, you kin have him. LEM    [Unconcerned]  Afore you start throwin lead, mebbe you two should take some of the blame on yerselves. CARTLAND    What? WISHWELL    You can go to blazes! LEM    If you two weren't such prickly porcupines on the subject of them kids getting married, none of this woulda ever happened. CARTLAND    That's who she wanted to marry?  And he's a wishwell? WISHWELL    He's my youngest, you son of a buzzard.  Sent him off back east to school, make a better man of him.  And now all that's ashes. CARTLAND    He ain't a reverend, then? FANSHAW    Goodness, they're a bit slow. LEM    Hush, now!  Now you two can be joined in your misery, like you might have been joined by them kids.  Only damn fool you gotta hate now is me. CARTLAND    He ain't said they're dead.  Doctor? BAKER    [calling] I'm doing what I can. WISHWELL    My son?  Is he still with us? LEM    Hold it. SOUND    GUN COCKS WISHWELL    You stay out my way. SOUND    SHOTGUN RACKED RED    I think you better drop that gun Mr. Wishwell. CARTLAND    I'll go and-- RED    No, sir.  You wait too.  With all due respect. LEM    If them kids survive this, you let em marry? CARTLAND    They're too young.  She is, anyway. [don't forget the bit about sullivan not being as old as the moustasche and beard make him look] WISHWELL    You just don't wanna lose half the ranch. CARTLAND    I got plans for that half the ranch.  I got it planned right up til she comes of age. LEM    Mebbe if they can marry, she can leave you in charge til she comes of age.  Let you carry through your plans. EMMA    None of this matters!  Let me go to my sister! RED    Lem? LEM    Give em sumpin to live for, you two.  Make this up.  Tell them they ain't gotta be dead to be together. WISHWELL    You think that would help? LEM    I been near dead once or twice, and havin hope is a mighty fine thing. EMMA    Bart?  Please let her, Bart!  If you don't care to give Melody some hope, give me some! CARTLAND    If Wishwell agrees that I keep control for five more years. WISHWELL    We're gonna have to set this down in writin. EMMA    There ain't no time fer writing now!   [sharp]  You say it!  Both of you! CARTLAND    Fine.  Melody!  If'n you can hear me, you listen.  I'm telling you, you can marry that... boy.  We got it all worked out at this end. WISHWELL    Wallace?  Fight Wallace!  You idjit, jumping in front of a bullet fer a girl!  But you can have her if you want her.  Izzat good? CARTLAND    You all gonna put down yer guns now? LEM    That sounds fine.  What you'all think? MELODY    [perfectly fine] I think it sounds good.  But I gotta have a real fine dress.  Understand? EMMA    [astonished] Melody?  MELODY    I'm all right. SULLIVAN    We're both just fine. WISHWELL    Well... Damn! CARTLAND    All right, somebody better start explaining. RED    Lem?  Lem? MUSIC SOUND    RIDING SLOWLY LEM    Much as I hate walkin the horses by moonlight-- FANSHAW    I do think it's best to get while the getting is good.  Do you think they will keep their promises? LEM    Got witnesses enough between Baker and Red. FANSHAW    Whatever happened to Hank? LEM    That was probly me - I think I suspected his belt buckle too loudly and he took fright. FANSHAW    Paid to tell a tale? LEM    Ayup. FANSHAW    Solomon to Prince Escalus in one step.  I'm impressed. LEM    What are you jabberin on about? FANSHAW    That back there was Romeo and Juliet, was it not? LEM    Mebbe just a little.  [beat] You ever done any of them plays? FANSHAW    Oh, yes.  School.  LEM    You gotta be the one in the dress?  Like you were sayin?  You got a voice that might could pass. FANSHAW    Oh... [dropping voice as low as possible] No.  Actually, I often was the lead.  I even played romeo.  I was rather good at learning lines.  Of course, someone always had to put on the dress.  Boys and girls do not attend school together - not our sort of boys and girls, anyway. LEM    Seems like puttin a hat on a pig. FANSHAW    No.  It's just "theater." END  

In their first serialized adventure {in 5 parts}, Lem and Fanshaw accompany a "studier of the supernatural" to face something they may never have seen before - a ghost ... or at least a ghost that can affect the "real world". Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid -  J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson Dr. Sullivan - Michael Coleman  {Tales of the Extraordinary} Mr. Cartland - Reynaud LeBoeuf Emma Cartland - Jacquie Duckworth Melody Heath - Melissa Bartell Red - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Hank - Mark Olson Clyde Wishwell - Bob Noble Mr. Baker - Paul Green  {Encyclopedia of Weird Westerns} Add'l voices by Gene Thorkildsen Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock [Old photos used to make Fanshaw purchased from www.recycledrelatives.com] Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson -------  No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. **************************************************************** Haunting Melody Cast: [opening credits/Olivia] LEMuel Roberts - Spyder Clarence FANSHAW - julie Dr. SULLIVAN - Michael coleman Mr. CARTLAND - Mrs. EMMA Cartland - Jacquie Duckworth MELODY Heath - RED - HANK - CLYDE Wishwell - Bob Noble Mr. Baker, the real expert - Paul Greene OPENER OLD HOSS    No gunshots herald his approach.  No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. CLOSER OLD HOSS    The lonely cowboy cliché, always riding out, heading... yonder.  Join us again in two weeks when he rides back over that far horizon.      MUSIC SOUND     BUCKBOARD, HORSES FANSHAW    [straining] I think I can just make out a structure of some sort. LEM    Not much further now. SULLIVAN    Excellent.  I am in your debt for all your help in getting me out here. LEM    Woulda been a mite easier if'n you were were saddled, stead of carted. Some of these ruts-- SULLIVAN     I've never been much of a horseman.  And this is a fairish wagon.  FANSHAW    Garish, rather. LEM    Well, I reckon it was cheap. SULLIVAN    Oh, yes.  They rented it to me at a very reasonable rate. FANSHAW    Ah, rented.  That explains why he has not repainted over the "Piewacket Players" placard on the side. SULLIVAN    I understand a couple of the actors are - um - incarcerated for some while.  Renting me the wagon and horses saved them board and stowage.  Everyone benefits. FANSHAW    Actually, some of these murals are rather good.  If the players are half as talented as their painter, it might be worth seeking out one of their performances. LEM    [dubious] I reckon. FANSHAW    [musing] King Lear.  Julius Caeser.  Romeo and Juliet.  [chuckles]  They seem to perform a lot of the classics.  Shakespeare. LEM    Mmm. FANSHAW    Did you know that in Shakespeare's day - some 250 years ago - it was illegal for women to perform on the stage? LEM    Hush. FANSHAW    Oh, Lem, do let me impart a little culture for once. LEM    [Annoyed grunt] FANSHAW    Particularly while you cannot argue.  As I was saying, back in the day, all the female parts were played by young men. SULLIVAN    Oh, goodness!  Look at that! LEM    [eager] Whatsat? SULLIVAN    That's an awfully steep hill up ahead.  You think the wagon can manage it? LEM    I reckon so, reverend. SULLIVAN    "Doctor", please.  I prefer it as an honorific. LEM    [puzzled] But you're a "man o' god"? SULLIVAN    And a man of science as well.  I firmly believe that the church cannot simply deny science, but must embrace it, and hand in hand we shall move forward into the next century! LEM    [dubious] A'right then. FANSHAW    Fervent, isn't he? SULLIVAN    Sorry.  I find I must defend myself constantly - both against those who find science and religion incompatible, and against those who pooh-pooh my branch of science entirely. LEM    Oh?  SULLIVAN    [defiant]  I have made a comprehensive study of the existence of ghosts. LEM    [choking back a cough]  OH. FANSHAW    Oh, dear. MUSIC MELODY    [off] [wailing, hysterics] SOUND    DOOR OPENS, WAILING UP CARTLAND    Don't that girl ever shut up? EMMA    Bart!  She swears she's being tormented. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS CARTLAND    Hysteria.  You women can't stop yourselves from being women, but the least you can do is keep quiet when a man wants to think. EMMA    What do you want me to do?  Lock her in a madhouse?  She's my own flesh and blood!  CARTLAND    Your sister is pitching a fit 'cause she ain't getting her own way.  Nothing more. EMMA    But what if it is something more? CARTLAND    I got that well in hand. EMMA    What?  How?  CARTLAND    Don't go questioning me, woman.  Where's my grub? MUSIC SULLIVAN    [pugnacious] Do you, or do you not believe in ghosts? FANSHAW    [short bark of a laugh] LEM    [dry]  I reckon I do. SULLIVAN     Many people believe that the supernatural is somehow at cross-purposes with the bible, but it isn't so.  Ever since Solomon, the wisest men in the good book studied the ways of the supernatural, in order to overcome it. LEM    Solomon.  Izzat the king fellow? FANSHAW    Famous for his wise judgment.  And not cutting up the baby. SULLIVAN    Traditionally, many have always believed that the dead may carry on, side by side with the living, unseen but always present. LEM    Ain't this more of a church question? SULLIVAN    What do you mean? LEM    Well, if you believe folks just hunker down once they passed on, then what you think of heaven? SULLIVAN    I don't believe every soul lingers.  Have you ever heard of Purgatory? FANSHAW    Oh, goodness. LEM    Ain't that a town in Nevada territory? SULLIVAN    In the bible, purgatory is a place where people who are not good enough to go to heaven nor evil enough to go directly to hell are judged. FANSHAW    Which bible, precisely? LEM    Guess I never got that far in bible learnin. SULLIVAN    It is the premise for all my theories that purgatory is not a place, but merely a "state"-- LEM    [playing dumb] Wyoming? [1890] FANSHAW    [grim] Ask him which bible. SULLIVAN    [trying not to get exasperated] --and that spirits that need to be redeemed, or to mend their ways, may in fact be "in purgatory" much like someone could be "in a foul temper" - right next to us. FANSHAW    Balderdash!  Utter rubbish! LEM    Looky there!  That should be the ranch now! MUSIC MELODY    [heavy breathing, end of crying jag] SOUND    TAP ON THE DOOR, DOOR OPENS EMMA    Melody?  Are you feeling a little better? MELODY    [sullen]  I been bit. EMMA    Bit?  By what?  A rat? MELODY    Come and look. EMMA    I'll fetch a lantern. MELODY    No! EMMA    Or open the shutters? MELODY    No!!  They don't like the light!  I kin only open them at night. EMMA    [very upset] oh.  What can I do to help? MELODY    [disheartened]  Nothing.  EMMA    Are you hungry?  There's some good stew. MELODY    I can't.  I just can't. EMMA    Here, show me that bite. MUSIC LEM    [quiet] What's gnawing on you? FANSHAW    I do not consider myself a particularly religious fellow, but if there is one thing I have found quite frustrating about the wide open west it is that so many people simply decide that they are experts on this or that subject, and other people believe them, for lack of any alternatives. LEM    Mm? FANSHAW    He claims to know the bible, but then he goes on about this spiritism nonsense.  And purgatory!  I may not be a divinity scholar but a childhood of churchgoing taught me that that is a catholic conceit, and he's got it wrong anyway.  Purgatory was where souls waited out a period of penance, while their friends and family prayed for their release.  LEM    How'd they know if they got out? FANSHAW    I believe the priests would tell them.  It always smacked of extortion to me. LEM    [laughs]  Well.  How's all this gonna make a damn lick of difference just now? FANSHAW    What?  LEM    Whatever it is he believes - it gonna change the price of oats? FANSHAW    [sigh]  No.  LEM    Good.  That's cleared up, then.  Road's widenin up, and we'll be alongside the wagon agin soon.  MUSIC EMMA    We need to send Melody somewhere.  If only you had let her marry-- CARTLAND    She's 16 - too damn young, and don't know her own mind. EMMA    I know, but if she was away-- CARTLAND    Dammit woman.  You are my wife, and I will not be argued with. EMMA    Of course.  [beat]  Something bit her. CARTLAND    Bit?  Like a snake? EMMA    The marks....um... they looked-- CARTLAND    Oh, just spit it out. EMMA    They looked like they were made by a man! MUSIC SOUND    THEY ARE STOPPED. HORSES, HARNESS, DISMOUNT, ETC. SULLIVAN    Thank you ever so much for helping me to find my way.  I'm not much of an outdoorsman.  Or horseman. FANSHAW    Nor much of a cleric, apparently. LEM    Right happy to help.  Why is it you were comin all the way out here in the first place?  [chuckles] Not to put on a play. SULLIVAN    [chuckles] It is rather a curious wagon, isn't it?  But I am afraid my job here is rather confidential. CARTLAND    [yelling from off] Is that the Reverend?  Get on in here!  SULLIVAN    [dithering] Oh, um I-- LEM    I'll look to your horses.  You get along. SULLIVAN    Excellent.  FANSHAW    I don't like him.  LEM    You don' like his views. FANSHAW    They're gibberish! LEM    'Zat anythin like folderol?  [serious]  Why'n't you go on in and see what brand o' folderol he's spinnin to the good folks inside. FANSHAW    [stiff upper lip] I shall try and keep my temper. LEM    [muttered] Tryin never hurt no one. SOUND    A FEW MOMENTS OF UNHARNASSING, THEN SUDDEN TUSSLE, RED GRABS LEM AND SLAMS HIM INTO THE WALL OF THE BARN SOUND    HORSES ANNOYED, SHYING SOUND    GUN COCKS RED    [snarled] The Deadeye Kid. MUSIC SOUND    FANSHAW ENTERS CARTLAND    --convince her it ain't nothing but temper! EMMA    But the bite! SULLIVAN    A bite?  EMMA    She looks like she was bit, bad. CARTLAND    There's no way anyone could get in there and bite her. SULLIVAN    It isn't unheard of. FANSHAW    A bite? CARTLAND    [suspicious] Really? EMMA    See! SULLIVAN    Manifestations have demonstrated their ability to affect the material world in any number of ways. FANSHAW    [suspicious] Oh.  Do tell? CARTLAND    There's a simple answer for this.  She bit her own damn self.  She pulls one more shenanigan, and I'm taking a strap to the damn girl. EMMA    Never!  Our father wouldn't-- CARTLAND    He shoulda!  If your sister weren't spoiled, we wouldn't have to have this idjit in. SULLIVAN    Sir!  I am well respected in-- CARTLAND    [furious, overbearing] You are here to prove this ain't nothing but women's hysteria and a mulish girl's temper.  EMMA    But if it is something else? FANSHAW    What do you think it may be, I wonder? CARTLAND    Either she's doing this to herself, or she's plumb loco.  Which way do you prefer?  She's your flesh and blood. SOUND    BEHIND DOOR - CRASH MELODY    [screams] [BREAK]   MUSIC RED    What the hell are you doing here? LEM    Do I... know you? RED    Mebbe not, but I know you.  You're the Deadeye Kid. LEM    [resigned] Who'd I kill, that yer so riled about? RED    What in tarnation is wrong with you? LEM    Aside from being slammed up agin a barn, with iron in my face, nuttin comes to mind. RED    I'us there in Carson City.  Five years ago.  Watched you take down Iron John Sandoval. LEM    [after a pause]  And? RED    Saw how fast y'are.  Hmph.  Used to be. LEM    Mmm? RED    [offended]  You din't even see me comin. LEM    My mind was took up with sumpin else. SOUND    HAMMER EASES BACK RED    You should vamoose.  This ain't no place for them as has lost their edge. LEM    You might wanna back off a piece. RED    Whyzzat?  Can't look me in the face and admit you're getting old? LEM    My gun hand's starting to cramp up sumpin fierce, and I cain't ease down til you pull your cohones off'n the barrel.  RED    You - what?  [looking down, gasps] LEM    Right shame to shave your stumps - seein as we're all compadres now. SOUND    BACKS OFF SOUND    HAMMER DOWN, GUN INTO HOLSTER, SLAP ON THE BACK LEM    You look like a man that might could use a drink.  MUSIC SOUND    HORSES, BARN SOUND    FANSHAW ENTERS FANSHAW    I say, Lem?  Are you alone? LEM    Lessen you wanna chat with the hosses. FANSHAW    What do you really think of this fellow? LEM    From yer tone, I'm guessin you mean the reverend - doctor. FANSHAW    Ye-ess. LEM    I figger he's harmless.  Cain't actually know a lick about all's he's talkin about. FANSHAW    Right.  [beat]  Do you ever wonder? LEM    I wonder alla time.  Any particular wonderin yer wonderin about? FANSHAW    About this.  About spirits.  About good and evil. LEM    Never reckoned on em hitched like'at.  FANSHAW    You don't think of ghosts as being somehow inherent wicked? LEM    You havin a crisis of faith?  I reckon jest like with anyone, only you can know if you're evil. FANSHAW    I - well, I don't mean myself, I suppose.  LEM    [teasing]  So you think you're better than e'rbody else. FANSHAW    No.  I don't know.  LEM    What brought all this on? FANSHAW    From what I observed in the house, there may be an argument here for an evil spirit of some sort. LEM    And? FANSHAW    And?  And what?  LEM    Spirits're just as evil or saintly as the folks they used to be.  Don't make no nevermind to no one but me. FANSHAW    I mean an evil spirit with ... powers. LEM    [sure] Ain't no such thing. FANSHAW    Are you so very certain? MUSIC SOUND    OUTSIDE, WALKING LEM    I ain't never seen no spirit could touch nothin in the real world. FANSHAW    Neither have I, but what if there is? LEM    We do whatever we gots to. SOUND    FEET APPROACH RED    [coming in] Kid! LEM    [sigh]  Just Lem, if'n you please. RED    Oh, drat.  Right.  You done with them horses? LEM    Tucked up tight.  You ast about the job? FANSHAW    Job? RED    Mr. Cartland's right happy to have another hand, even if you don't plan on staying fer long.  With all that's been a-going on-- LEM    What all is it that's been a-goin on? FANSHAW    Evil spirits. LEM    Is it what's been drivin off all your help? RED    Come on, let's getcha some grub.  Hank'll be pleased to have someone new to jaw to. MUSIC SOUND    KITCHEN, EATING SOUND    DOOR OPENS HANK    Red. RED    Hank.  This is Lem.  Come in with the doctor fella. LEM    Hank. HANK    You work for the reverend? RED    He's-- LEM    I work fer jest about anyone as needs me.  Doctor needed a guide. RED    Lem's gonna help out round here fer a while. LEM    Long as the doc's on hand, might as well make myself useful. HANK    Did you tell him what's going on?  What cleared us out? RED    Here, have a plate of stew, Lem.  I'm sure Hank can tell it better'n me. HANK    [uncertain] Oh, I--- RED    He actually saw it. LEM    Saw what? HANK    That girl.  She's possessed! LEM    Possessed of what? HANK    No!  Possessed!  Taken over by an evil spirit! LEM    [considering] I don't figger I put much stock in such things.  Ain't no other explanation? HANK    What else could explain how I - I saw a strange light in her window late at night-- LEM    What were you doin' out? HANK    [thrown off] What?  I was - uh - having a smoke. LEM    She a good-lookin' girl?  Apart from whatever travail she's in? HANK    That ain't the point.  I was off a ways and saw a light.  It din't look natural.  So I went closer to see. LEM    How high's this window? HANK    I don't know!  Chest-high, I s'pose.  But I sawr everything!  [yarning]  Right from the first, I was froze to the spot.  Couldn't look away.  In this strange blueish colored light, there was something flyin back and forth across the room-- LEM    A bird? HANK    No!  A cushion or a hat or something - something that had no damn business flyin! LEM    [mild amazement] Oh! HANK    And then I saw the girl herself crawling about the floor like an animal.  LEM    Mebbe she dropped sumpin. HANK    But it weren't natural!  You can explain away one thing after another, but that light won't never look right. LEM    I meant no disrespect, just know how late at night moonlight can be a bit mazy.  Can make things look wrong way round and bigger than life. HANK    Well, this weren't out in the moonlight - it was in her room. LEM    Right.  HANK    You ain't a-scared? LEM    I'm a bit behind when it comes to afearin things.  Got to see sumpin for myself before I can work up to gooseflesh.  Yerself? HANK    I'm pert near hightailing it out of here, I tell you what.  One more night like that and you'll be seeing the back of me. RED    Ain't likely, Hank old hoss.  You relish the tellin of your tall tales too much to miss a chance fer another one. MUSIC CARTLAND    It's pure mulishness, is what it is.  The girl wanted to marry, and I said no. SULLIVAN    You're surely not her father, though? CARTLAND    Father's passed on.  I ain't blood, but I married her sister and that makes me the lawful man of the house and head of this family.  She gots to understand that. EMMA    I still think-- CARTLAND    Regardless of whether she's old enough to marry, I wan't about to let her run off to the damn Wishwells and take half the ranch with her. EMMA    Our father left us even shares. FANSHAW    Hmm.  And that man married yours. SULLIVAN    Ah.  I should talk to the girl, now. MUSIC HANK    Well.  SOUND    SLAPS THIGHS, GETS UP HANK    That hay won't pitch itself.  Care to lend a hand, feller? LEM    Lem.  I-- RED    I need him yet fer a mite.  I'll send him along when we're through. LEM    That's a mighty fine looking belt buckle you got there, Hank.  Turquoise? HANK    Yup.  LEM    And silver.  [musing] Mighty fine. SOUND    WALKS OUT DOOR LEM    Why d'you stay, Red? RED    Been with Mr. Cartland for nigh on 10 years. Since before he married the missus.  Fact is, that was when we came through Carson City. LEM    You friends? RED    Nah, he ain't one fer making friends of the hands.  But he's fair.  Hard, but fair.   LEM    Now tell me.  [a bit humorous] Apart from having the nerve of a grizzly, why ain't you scairt? RED    I plumb don't feel it.  Whatever's a-going on with the girl, it don't hit me here.  You ken? LEM    I reckon. RED    It's like ... play actors.  They can make you like the story, but they cain't never make it real. LEM    Gotta good solid head on them shoulders, Red.  I purpose to find out what all's transpirin here, and if'n yer strapped fer it, I'd shore thank'ee kindly for any help. RED    [admiring] You ain't lost none of yer sand, have ya? LEM    I reckon the wind's just blowin it in the right direction these days. MUSIC SOUND    DOOR CREAKS OPEN SULLIVAN    Young lady?  MELODY    [very tired and small sounding] Who's there? CARTLAND    It’s the feller gonna tell you what a liar you been. EMMA    Husband! CARTLAND    Go on then.  Tell her. EMMA    I'll open them shutters. MELODY    No! EMMA     Just a crack!  It's fair dark in here! SOUND    FEET, SHUTTERS SULLIVAN    Sir!  I must insist on being able to interview the girl in relative peace! CARTLAND    I ain't a-stopping you. SULLIVAN    You must be quiet and leave the girl to answer for herself. EMMA    Please! CARTLAND    [somewhat subdued]  Go on. SULLIVAN    Miss Heath, your lady sister has told me some of your symptoms, but I would like to hear them from you.  What is your chief complaint? MELODY    They never let me sleep! FANSHAW    [far corner] Poor girl does look tired. CARTLAND    Nor us out here!  I ain't had a good night through in weeks. SULLIVAN     [sharp] Shh!  [calm]  They?  Who are "they"? MELODY    You won't believe me any more than anyone else does. CARTLAND    Hmph. SULLIVAN    I believe a great many things.  Pray, humor me. MELODY    They come at night, and pinch me.  Pinch my arms and legs - all over!  And one bit me - See here! CARTLAND    You bit your own damn self! MELODY    [whimpers] SULLIVAN    Sir!  Would you be kind enough to leave?  As long as you insist on berating the poor girl, she will never be calm enough to tell me all her troubles. CARTLAND    Fine.  Come on, woman. SOUND    DOOR ROUGHLY OPENS EMMA    Shouldn't I stay?  For decency's sake? CARTLAND    Man's a holy father, even if he is a soft-headed idjet.  Whatcha think he might do? EMMA    I suppose. MELODY    I'll call if I need help! EMMA    You do that. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS MUSIC SOUND    MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH RED    From his yarn, Hank was right about'chere when he saw the lights. LEM    Hard to reckon what this'ud look like in full dark.  What'us the moon like? RED    Middling, round about. LEM    Hmm.  And that'ud be the window? RED    Yup.  Though way Hank tells it, it was full open when he was looking. LEM    [surprised] Oh! RED    What? LEM    Let's fade back a bit.  Don't want anyone to spy us. RED    Why?  Mm?  [sees] Oh! MUSIC [BREAK]   AMB    OUTDOORS FANSHAW    There you are!  I've just witnessed the most appalling-- RED    Did we really see what I think we jest saw? LEM    I'm afeared so.  RED    That varmint!  Taking advantage of a nice-- LEM    She din't look "put out" to me.  Any fired-up on her part weren't the angry kind, if you catch me. FANSHAW    [sarcastic] Oh.  So you saw it too.  How useful am I? LEM    Mighty useful.  [slightly different] To know that sumpin's up with them.  Looked like they knowed each other afore this. RED    I guess you could safely say that. FANSHAW    I tactfully took my leave. SOUND    HOOFBEATS APPROACH RED    Who in tarnation?  Damn!  LEM    What? RED    [heavy import] That's Clyde Wishwell and his boys! MUSIC SOUND    TAP ON DOOR EMMA    Doctor?  Is everything all right in there? SULLIVAN    [within] Yes!  Quite.  SOUND    FOOTSTEPS APPROACH THEIR SIDE OF DOOR SULLIVAN    [within]  I have all I need for the moment. SOUND    DOOR OPENS SULLIVAN    [cautious] Is your husband ...nearby? EMMA    He had to step out. SULLIVAN    [relieved]  Ah. EMMA    I have the guest room ready for you.  Your drover can bunk with the men. SULLIVAN    My--?  Oh, yes.  That fellow.  My guide.  SOUND    STEPS OUT, CLOSES DOOR EMMA    Is she...  Is she going to be all right, sir? SULLIVAN    I think this will take some time, but yes.  I believe she can be saved. EMMA    Saved?  You talk like she's ailing! SULLIVAN    [serious] She is.  It is an ailment of the soul. MUSIC SOUND    GENERAL DISMOUNTING, ETC. CARTLAND    [barely concealed hostility]  Wishwell. WISHWELL    Mr. Cartland.  I hope you don't mind the intrusion? CARTLAND    What do you want? WISHWELL    We found a fellow lost on our property, claims he'us supposed to be coming here.  We decided to give him an escort. BAKER    [a bit too much swagger]  Yes, yes.  Many thanks.  You may go ahead and leave. WISHWELLS MEN    [annoyed muttering] CARTLAND    Who the devil are you? BAKER    You sent for me.  WISHWELL    He was mighty tight about his business with you, Mr. Cartland.  I'm right curious. BAKER    That is between Mr. Cartland and myself.  Are you waiting around for a reason?  I could-- SOUND    COINS RATTLE WISHWELL    [civility slipping] No need, sir!  I reckon a man does you a good turn, seeing you to your destination, rather than shooting your backside fulla buckshot as a trespasser, he deserves a bit of an explanation! CARTLAND    Yeah.  Explain. BAKER    [exasperated] Very well.  I am the ghost expert you sent away for. MUSIC AMB    OUT BACK LEM    Why'm I all of a sudden smellin a rat? FANSHAW    You mean Sullivan's obvious "familiarity" with young miss Heath? LEM    Biggest rat I seen recently. RED    You think they got somethin "on" between them? LEM    I'm wondrin has anyone actually clapped eyes on the fellow she got her heart pinned to. RED    How'd you hear about that? FANSHAW    Damn! LEM    [calm] I just hear things. RED    Oh.  But it was one of the Wishwells she was a-hankerin after.  FANSHAW    And the Wishwells just rode in.  Perhaps we should go and take a look at the other side of this little chess match. LEM    Lets go get us a look at the Wishwells. RED    Right. FANSHAW    I'll stay in the house - keep an eye on the courting. MUSIC CARTLAND    YOU'RE the expert?  Then who the devil we got inside?  [yelling over his shoulder] Emma! BAKER    [smug] Well, I can't help you there, I'm no clairvoyant - merely a seeker after truth in the field of spiritualism. WISHWELL    [a bit worried] Really?  Hmm. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, EMMA COMES ONTO PORCH EMMA    What is it?  Oh!  Comp'ny! CARTLAND    They ain't compny, they's Wishwells.  Get that city slicker out here.  We got a bit of a branding problem here. BAKER    Are you implying there's someone here claiming to be me? CARTLAND    Someone here's claiming something, but I don't know which of you it might be. SOUND    SWITCH OF PERSPECTIVE, FEET APPROACHING - RED AND LEM BAKER    [off a bit] I have credentials and letters of recommendation. RED    That's Ezekial Wishwell, in the tan hat.  He's a big rancher over t'other side of the valley. LEM    And if one of his marries that Miss, inside- RED    Reckon he'll get his hands on her half of the ranch here. LEM    Hmm. SOUND    FADING BACK TO CARTLAND's POV WISHWELL    You sent off for a ghost hunter, and you cain't even remember his name? CARTLAND    I contacted him through some damn psychical society in the newspaper out of Carson city.  BAKER    Yes.  Precisely.  The "friends in passing". CARTLAND    And it's bad enough I gotta do such a damn fool thing just so's I can put my wife's mind at rest about her damn fool sister-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FEET ON PORCH EMMA    Here he is. SULLIVAN    You needed me for something? [FADING BACK TO LEM] WISHWELL    Whatcha gonna do with two of them? SULLIVAN    Two of who? BAKER    Is that the imposter? EMMA    What? RED    It's the doggonest thing I ever heered of! LEM    It's a wonder, sure enough. FANSHAW    They've vacated the - ahem - bedroom.  RED    You think there's gonna be a fight?  Dunno that them two guys would make much of a scrap - that first one's too prissy and citified, and the other's kind of a runt.  But it might be something to see. LEM    I need a chance to palaver. FANSHAW    This might explain the idiotic views of Sullivan - I mean, if he is the imposter. LEM    [muttered] People can be thick as two thumbs and still ain't liars.  Happens all th'time. SOUND    FADING BACK TO CARTLAND RED    Whazzat? LEM    Trying to logic out which might be the one sposed to be here. FANSHAW    Oh, there's the girl! SOUND    BARE FEET ON WOODEN PORCH [argument that runs under above] SULLIVAN    I am an ordained minister, sir, of the church of the holy seekers after truth! BAKER    That hack cabal?  They wouldn't know a phantom from an apparition.  I have trained with the most respectable societies in the British Isles! SULLIVAN    Hidebound stick-in-the-muds! BAKER    Newfangled snot-nosed infants, tampering with forces outside your ken! SULLIVAN    Infants!  I'll have you know-- SOUND    MELODY'S BARE FEET RUN OUT ONTO THE DIRT MELODY    Stop!  Please!  [scream of terror, some thrashing about] CARTLAND    What the devil? SULLIVAN    Quickly, bring some warm tea, and a cold compress, if you have one. EMMA    Yes!  SOUND    SHE DASHES INTO THE HOUSE BAKER    Stay back!  The girl is under attack. WISHWELL    Looks like some kind of fit. CARTLAND    Fit o' temper.  Get up, girl! SOUND    FEET ENTER LEM    Mr. Cartland, might could I drop a word in your ear? CARTLAND    Who the hell are you?  Oh, right, you come in with the preacher - maybe preacher. LEM    Something you need to know. FANSHAW    Are you planning to tell him about the assignation?  He'll do something terrible to that poor girl - you've seen how beastly he is to her. LEM    I know you're looking after the best interests of your family here. FANSHAW    He threatened to beat her! CARTLAND    I do what I gotta. FANSHAW    Even if she is feigning all of this, surely she doesn't deserve-- LEM    And I can tell you're purt near your wits end. CARTLAND    zat so? LEM    I think you done took more than most men can take, so I don't fault you none for flyin off the handle.  I might could have an answer for all this. CARTLAND    [interested] Really? LEM    Yup.  It was somethin that Sullivan fellow said regarding the bible. CARTLAND    [disbelieving] Really? LEM    Once they get this little dustup sorted, mebbe could I try something?  CARTLAND    What you planning? LEM    I promise you, I don't reckon no one'll get hurt - leastways not bad - but beyond that, can't tell you much or it'll fall flat.  CARTLAND    Is this some of this spiritual hoodoo manure? LEM    Well, let's say I'm gonna connive them into believin it is. CARTLAND    Hmm...  [chuckle]  Go on, then. MUSIC EMMA    She's settled again, but she keeps tossing and a-turning. CARTLAND    [calmer]  If I'm right, and she's just doing this all out of pique, what do you think should be done?  You really think us going on and giving in is gonna make everything all right? EMMA    Me?  I--  but it's too drastic to be-- CARTLAND    I ain't asking if you think she's making it all up, just what you reckon we should oughtta do if she is. EMMA    Oh.  [pacing]  Well.  It's a terrible thing she's doing - if she's doing it.  But it can't be easy on her, either.  All them hurts she's took. CARTLAND    Lotta effort to make you feel sorry for her. EMMA    If she's faking, then wouldn't the reverend know it? CARTLAND    Stick to the question at hand. EMMA    You're much less riled than you been in days - do you know something? CARTLAND    With two doctor types on hand, how can I not see a light at the end of this here tunnel? EMMA    Oh. CARTLAND    [almost gentle]  I'm waiting. EMMA    I agree - we can't, in good conscience, let her get her way through these kinds of shenanigans - always assuming she's-- CARTLAND    Yes, yes.  We're assuming. EMMA    But what can we do for punishment?  Lock her away?  I couldn't bear that. CARTLAND    What'choo think about schooling? EMMA    What? CARTLAND    Send her off to school - back east or somewheres where rich folks send their girls, and take the cost of the schooling out of her half the ranch.  We'll call it bail. EMMA    It would keep her away from the Wishwells.  And it would get her away from-- CARTLAND    Us?  EMMA    [sigh] Yes. MUSIC LEM    I may not have the booklearnin y'all have, but I did have me a granny who did midwifing and could see and talk to all manner of spirits. SULLIVAN    Really?  How ...rustic BAKER    You should never pooh-pooh the lay folk.  Many have toiled in the fields of the supernatural without even realizing they did. Back home in-- SULLIVAN    Of course, it is only a pity that so often they were seen as enemies of the church and persecuted, rather than embraced and put to good works. FANSHAW    Good gad, they're even worse in harmony. LEM    Well, Granny once told me of a sure cure for a plague of spirits. BAKER    Oh yes? FANSHAW    Watch out, he'll write a monograph on your granny.  Did you really have one? LEM    O'course.  It ain't easy, and it ain't exactly safe.  But when the only other path is being ridden round with spirits all your life, it's sometimes a risk you gots to take. SULLIVAN    Dangerous? LEM    O'course.  You got to make the spirits flee outta the afflicted one, and t'only way to do it is to convince them you're about to kill that person. SULLIVAN    [horrified] KILL? BAKER    That makes a strange sort of sense. LEM    Best ways are violent.  You cain't sneak up behind 'em, since half the convincin has to be that the one what's afflicted gots to believe it.  FANSHAW    Mention the flagellants in the bible.  They used whips to cleanse themselves of-- SULLIVAN    But we can't - that-that poor girl! BAKER    I am not certain I could do it myself, but I would be most interested in observing. LEM    Oh, I can do it.  You two should oughta  make sure no one else gets in the way, though. SULLIVAN    But you wouldn't really hurt her? LEM    I s'pose it depends.  Sometimes, the spirits are figurin you wouldn't really hurt no one, and they hang on for the first hurt or two.  Like them fellas that whip themselves bloody right there in the bible. SULLIVAN    [horrified] Oh no!  I can't let you do that to any poor defenseless woman. LEM    Don't think it's your choice to make, old hoss.  BAKER    As long as she is afflicted, it will have to be dealt with. SULLIVAN    Let me try something else, first!  I might have a way to-- LEM    That's right fine.  We'll come along and observe your way. SULLIVAN    No!  It's -- it has to be performed in total secrecy. LEM    Cain't hide from the spirits, though. FANSHAW    I take the hint. BAKER    You should be grateful for the help. SULLIVAN    Leave me alone for a minute!  I have to - to pray! SOUND    WALKS OFF FAST LEM    [almost a chuckle] BAKER    What got into him? FANSHAW    I think he truly cares for the girl. LEM    A mighty old spirit indeed. MUSIC [BREAK]   EMMA    They're gonna hurt her? CARTLAND    They don't think it will come to much.  Just enough to scare the spirits out of her. EMMA    Melody's my sister - I cain't just let them beat her! CARTLAND    [trying to be comforting] Don't sound like there's any other way they're gonna manage this.  [beat] This feller sounds like he knows what he's doing. EMMA    [incredulous] Sounds like he--?  How can you say that? CARTLAND    [curt]  I will stop him before he does anything too... drastic.  EMMA    You got no fine feelings about seeing her hurt.  You would have-- CARTLAND    [getting annoyed] I'da punished her, yeah.  Now get out my way.  I'm done talkin! MUSIC RED    Lem, over here a minute. LEM    [queit] Yeah? [up]  Mister Baker, why don't you see if the lady of the house might be able to find you a spot to sleep tonight?  BAKER    And that charlatan? LEM    Doctor Sullivan?  You let me handle him.  Oh, and - sunset.  That's the time to deal with ghosts. BAKER    Sunset? LEM    So says my gran. BAKER    Right.  I am quite interested to see how this goes. SOUND    BAKER WALKS OFF LEM    Sorry about that. RED    What are you up to? LEM    Takin a tip from the bible.  You with me? RED    Spect so.  WISHWELL    Could I have a word with you, sir? LEM    [sigh] Spect so. MUSIC SOUND    TAPPING ON WOOD [Sullivan sounds very different, western, rather than citified, and is speaking quietly, to avoid being overheard] SULLIVAN    Melody?  Melody? FANSHAW    Hmph.  Praying indeed.  I would say he's rather old for her, but that moustache doesn’t do much to hide a cheek that's barely seen a  razor. SULLIVAN    Please, Mel, honey! SOUND    TEENSY CREAK OPEN MELODY    Wallace?  You shouldn't be out there! FANSHAW    Wallace?  SULLIVAN    I had to come!  Everything's falling apart. MELODY    What do you mean? SULLIVAN    They've got some cockamamie scheme, and sounds like they're planning to hurt you.  Maybe bad. MELODY    Emma'd never let them do that! SULLIVAN    There's enough people here got no patience left, I doubt but that she couldn't stop them.  Can't you turn this? MELODY    It's got away from me!  What can I do? SULLIVAN    Maybe just say you're cured? MELODY    And then what?  That leaves me here with folks that hate me and no chance o'nothin'?  No chance of... us?  I'll die first! SULLIVAN    I'll try and come up with something.  But if it comes down to it, stop them before they hurt you.  Please promise you will! MELODY    [grim] I'll do what I gotta do. MUSIC WISHWELL    What you fixing to do, sir? LEM    Come sunset, I'll take drastic measures to free that girl from her torment. WISHWELL    You sound like you might have to kill her. LEM    I'm sure the reverend - uh - doctor sullivan can speak you best on torment and the afterlife.  He's got a nose fer it. WISHWELL    But what exactly are you planning to do? FANSHAW    Don't turn round.  Sullivan is lurking.  LEM    [sigh]  I hate to see anyone in pain.  But sometimes, ain't no choice.  If'n there's a spirit a-punishin that child, it ain't gon be easy to spook it out.  I may have to shoot her. SOUND    [men - including RED, WISHWELL, react]  LEM    [matter of fact] Don't worry none, though.  I once shot a man eight times - a'purpose - and he din't die.  [shrug] Can't use one hand no more, but apart from that he all healed up jest fine. WISHWELL    [horrified] And Cartland's gonna let you go on and do this? LEM    I get the feeling that if his wife would allow, he'd do it hisself - he's that plumb wore out with the girl. WISHWELL    And what if we all decide to stop you? LEM    I don't see as how it's any of your business. SOUND    GUNS OUT WISHWELL    [sterner] And what if we all decide to stop you? SOUND    SHOTGUN COCKS CARTLAND    [off]  I think mebbe it's time fer you to get along home, then, Wishwell. SOUND    GUNS UP WISHWELL    [forces laugh]  We were just looking out for your best interests, Cartland.  Have you heard?  This here fellow is fixing to shoot your sister. CARTLAND    Well, something's gotta be done with the girl.  FANSHAW    Is he serious, or did you have a chance to warn him? LEM    Glad to see you took my counsel serious, Mr. Cartland. FANSHAW    Ah.  CARTLAND    And now Wishwell, you and your boys can take my counsel - Git! WISHWELL    I'll be telling the sheriff about these goings on.  CARTLAND    You do that.  Sunset's about an hour away - you won't get there and back by then.  And I figure this way.  If my wife's sister can be bit by ghosts, maybe she can get shot by them too.  Ain't no one here gonna say otherwise, once all's said and done. MUSIC SOUND    TAPPING ON SHUTTER MELODY    Wallace? FANSHAW    [explaining] That's Sullivan. SOUND    TAPPING LEM    [indistinguishable grunt] MELODY    Wallace? SOUND    SHUTTER CREAKS OPEN MELODY    Are you-- [gasp of fear!] LEM    You want to talk to me, girl.  And you want to stay quiet. MELODY    My sister is jest in the next room. LEM    I know.  And I ain't askin fer nothin improper.  Cartland's got Sullivan sewed up in argument fer the moment, so I got one chance for you. MELODY    Chance?  Fer what? LEM    Wallace.  You in love with the boy, or jest lookin fer a way out from under your folks? MELODY    We're in love.  LEM    You want him more than you want your share of the ranch? MELODY    [teensy hesitation]  Yes. LEM    And would he and his take you without you had that parcel to offer? MELODY    He would.  LEM    And his pa out there?  Mr. Wishwell? MELODY    [gasp] You know? LEM    I know a lotta things.  F'r'instance, tonight's gonna be an interestin night.  MUSIC FANSHAW    So if they're genuinely in love -- LEM    I think they are.  He's plumb torn up about the chance as she might get hurt.  Mebbe she's not so worried, but she seems true. FANSHAW    Then this is just like Shakespeare - Romeo and juliet.  Families opposed to one another, romance between the younger generation. LEM    'Zat give us any aid with sorting out this rats nest? FANSHAW    Well, they both died.  So I guess not. LEM    Hmm.  Plays. FANSHAW    What are you thinking? LEM    Well... I was playing at solomon.  Threatnin the girl to bring out-- FANSHAW    [realizing] The real-- Yes!  I've got it.  Jolly clever. LEM    I'm thinkin mebbe I got the wrong baby. FANSHAW    The wrong what? MUSIC In house CARTLAND    Can't be long now. EMMA    You won't let him really hurt her, will you? CARTLAND    [gentle] Emma.  He promised he wouldn't.  We have to convince her he would, though.  She gots to believe it. EMMA    Why? CARTLAND    If she's faking, she has to cry off.  If she ain't... well... he says the spirits gotta be convinced she's gonna die, so they'll haveta leave. EMMA    Oh.  I see.  Thank you. CARTLAND    [uncomfortable]   Right.  Just find us one of them schools, woudja? MUSIC OUTSIDE LEM    [talking to a crowd] Much as it pains me to have to do this, um, I reckon there ain't no way to solve this problem til we drive out the spirits here. BAKER    Where is the girl? LEM    She's a coming. SOUND    DOOR OPENS LEM    Speak of the devil. SOUND    SEVERAL PEOPLE WALKING OUT ON WOOD MELODY    Please!  What are you going to do? SULLIVAN    I protest!  I don't think this is safe! LEM    [muttered] We got any other company? FANSHAW    The wishwells never went very far.  Just out of sight, then circled back.  They're behind the barn. LEM    Good. FANSHAW    Red appears to be in his allotted position.  Hank is nowhere to be seen. LEM    Hmph.  [up]  Get on over here miss. MELODY    I'm scared! CARTLAND    It gots to be done. EMMA    Be strong, Melody. FANSHAW    No arguments?  Hmm.  I sense a reconciliation in the family. LEM    Harmony ain't no bad thing. FANSHAW    Rather goes with melody, actually. MELODY     What is it you plan to do? LEM    Gon' drive the evil sprits out.  Need you to stand right here, miss.  Don't move a muscle.  You got me? MELODY    Emma!  I don't want to do this! EMMA    Melody, there ain't no choice.  Not no more. SULLIVAN     I agree with the young lady - I feel this is too dangerous. MELODY    Dangerous?  Wh-what's a-going to happen? CARTLAND    [commanding but not being mean] Stand still, and let the man do his work. LEM    All y'all back on the porch now, if'n you please. SOUND    FEET LEM    Now miss, if you'll hold yerself real still. MELODY    I'll do my best. SOUND    GUNSHOT, HITS WOOD MELODY    [screams!]   [break?] EMMA    Be careful! MELODY    What did you do that for?  LEM    I'm shooting the ghosts.  That's why you gotta hold real still. SOUND    GUNSHOT MELODY     [gasp]  You nearly hit me! FANSHAW    The wishwells are getting closer. LEM    Good. SOUND    THREE GUNSHOTS MELODy    [scream of pain!] EMMA    What's that?  You said you wouldn't hurt her!  Is that blood? LEM    That's jest splinters.  Stay back. SOUND    TWO GUNSHOTS MELODY    [scream] SULLIVAN    Nooooooooo! SOUND    RUNNING FEET, SLOW MO SOUND    GUNSHOT SULLIVAN    [argh!  Death rattle] MELODy    [scream, death rattle] FANSHAW    [dry] Two with one shot.  Oh my. EMMA    [screaming] SOUND    RUNNING FEET LEM    Mr. Cartland, hold your wife.  Mr. Baker? BAKER    [flustered] um, um - yes. LEM    You got any doctoring? BAKER    Yes, yes, of course.  I'll check on them. WISHWELL    [coming roaring in]  Nooo! CARTLAND    What the devil you doing here, Wishwell? LEM    Stay back, there.  Let the doctor do his business. WISHWELL    Wallace!  Damn you, you sidewinder!  You are a dead man! SOUND    GUNS DRAW WISHWELL    You ain't steppin in this time, Cartland! CARTLAND    If I just saw what just happened, you kin have him. LEM    [Unconcerned]  Afore you start throwin lead, mebbe you two should take some of the blame on yerselves. CARTLAND    What? WISHWELL    You can go to blazes! LEM    If you two weren't such prickly porcupines on the subject of them kids getting married, none of this woulda ever happened. CARTLAND    That's who she wanted to marry?  And he's a wishwell? WISHWELL    He's my youngest, you son of a buzzard.  Sent him off back east to school, make a better man of him.  And now all that's ashes. CARTLAND    He ain't a reverend, then? FANSHAW    Goodness, they're a bit slow. LEM    Hush, now!  Now you two can be joined in your misery, like you might have been joined by them kids.  Only damn fool you gotta hate now is me. CARTLAND    He ain't said they're dead.  Doctor? BAKER    [calling] I'm doing what I can. WISHWELL    My son?  Is he still with us? LEM    Hold it. SOUND    GUN COCKS WISHWELL    You stay out my way. SOUND    SHOTGUN RACKED RED    I think you better drop that gun Mr. Wishwell. CARTLAND    I'll go and-- RED    No, sir.  You wait too.  With all due respect. LEM    If them kids survive this, you let em marry? CARTLAND    They're too young.  She is, anyway. [don't forget the bit about sullivan not being as old as the moustasche and beard make him look] WISHWELL    You just don't wanna lose half the ranch. CARTLAND    I got plans for that half the ranch.  I got it planned right up til she comes of age. LEM    Mebbe if they can marry, she can leave you in charge til she comes of age.  Let you carry through your plans. EMMA    None of this matters!  Let me go to my sister! RED    Lem? LEM    Give em sumpin to live for, you two.  Make this up.  Tell them they ain't gotta be dead to be together. WISHWELL    You think that would help? LEM    I been near dead once or twice, and havin hope is a mighty fine thing. EMMA    Bart?  Please let her, Bart!  If you don't care to give Melody some hope, give me some! CARTLAND    If Wishwell agrees that I keep control for five more years. WISHWELL    We're gonna have to set this down in writin. EMMA    There ain't no time fer writing now!   [sharp]  You say it!  Both of you! CARTLAND    Fine.  Melody!  If'n you can hear me, you listen.  I'm telling you, you can marry that... boy.  We got it all worked out at this end. WISHWELL    Wallace?  Fight Wallace!  You idjit, jumping in front of a bullet fer a girl!  But you can have her if you want her.  Izzat good? CARTLAND    You all gonna put down yer guns now? LEM    That sounds fine.  What you'all think? MELODY    [perfectly fine] I think it sounds good.  But I gotta have a real fine dress.  Understand? EMMA    [astonished] Melody?  MELODY    I'm all right. SULLIVAN    We're both just fine. WISHWELL    Well... Damn! CARTLAND    All right, somebody better start explaining. RED    Lem?  Lem? MUSIC SOUND    RIDING SLOWLY LEM    Much as I hate walkin the horses by moonlight-- FANSHAW    I do think it's best to get while the getting is good.  Do you think they will keep their promises? LEM    Got witnesses enough between Baker and Red. FANSHAW    Whatever happened to Hank? LEM    That was probly me - I think I suspected his belt buckle too loudly and he took fright. FANSHAW    Paid to tell a tale? LEM    Ayup. FANSHAW    Solomon to Prince Escalus in one step.  I'm impressed. LEM    What are you jabberin on about? FANSHAW    That back there was Romeo and Juliet, was it not? LEM    Mebbe just a little.  [beat] You ever done any of them plays? FANSHAW    Oh, yes.  School.  LEM    You gotta be the one in the dress?  Like you were sayin?  You got a voice that might could pass. FANSHAW    Oh... [dropping voice as low as possible] No.  Actually, I often was the lead.  I even played romeo.  I was rather good at learning lines.  Of course, someone always had to put on the dress.  Boys and girls do not attend school together - not our sort of boys and girls, anyway. LEM    Seems like puttin a hat on a pig. FANSHAW    No.  It's just "theater." END

Even in the middle of a blizzard, Lem and Fanshaw find someone in need of help - outlaws have taken over a Quaker hostel, holding the proprietress' children hostage.   Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts / Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson Don Phelps - Reynaud LeBoeuf Randall Cullom - J.D. Lloyd Garrett Cullom - Shawn Connor Burden Fayette - Beverly Poole Will Fayette - Glen Hallstrom Fayette Children - Al Aseoche, Krystal Baker, Molly Tollefson, Reynaud LeBoeuf, Julie Hoverson Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:  Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's the middle of a blizzard, can't you tell?" ********************************************************* HOSTEL TERRITORY Cast: Olivia Lemuel Roberts, the Kid Clarence Fanshaw, the sidekkick THE FAMILY Burden Fayette, the woman Faith, Hope, Fortitude, Courage, and Pious, the children Will Fayette, the dead husband Valor, the dog THE OUTLAWS Don Phelps, the leader Randall Cullom, the rabid one Garret Collum, the dying one OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's the only building for miles in a blizzard, can't you tell?  Good thing it's a hostelry. 1  INCOMING SOUND    BLIZZARD SOUND    HORSES AND MAN WADE THROUGH SNOW FANSHAW    [not cold] Not much further.  LEMUEL    [very cold] You been saying that fer the last hour. FANSHAW    And you've kept walking.  If you look up, you can see the light from the window. LEMUEL    And get a snootful of frozen sleet?  No thank you very much.  Is there a barn? FANSHAW    Yes.  It's a bit closer, why? LEMUEL    These here horses'll drop afore I do.  Need to get 'em inside. VALOR    [distant howl] FANSHAW    I'll go and see if it's unlocked, then, shall I? 2_INSIDE MUSIC AMBIANCE    INSIDE, BLIZZARD STILL RAGES OUTSIDE SOUND    DOOR CLOSES, WOMAN'S FOOTSTEPS DON    Well? BURDEN    [quiet] He ain't doing too well, but I think he'll pull through. RANDALL    You think?  BURDEN    [sharp] My husband was the one with some doctoring.  I am doin what I can. DON    You best keep on.  [threat] Them children o'yours depend on you. BURDEN    [almost breaking] I know. SOUND     BABY CRIES, NEARBY 3_BARN MUSIC AMBIANCE    INSIDE THE BARN - CLOSER TO THE STORM SOUND    HORSES BLOW, RUBBING SOUNDS LEMUEL    [to horses, and self] It ain't much, but leastways it's above freezin in here. FANSHAW    [coming on] I've taken the liberty of looking around, Lemuel.  It is a hostel, so you're very lucky on that count.  I haven't been inside, but a peek through the windows shows they're sitting down to dinner even as we speak. LEMUEL    [almost drooling]  Dinner.  Mebbe even coffee. VALOR    [distant but approaching - insistent barking] FANSHAW    Perhaps, but-- LEMUEL    How could anyone leave a good dog out on a night like this? FANSHAW    You're certain it's not a wolf or a coyotay? LEMUEL    You mean a kai-yote?  You could try to speak normal from time to time, y'know.  Nah.  Neither o'them barks like that.  That's a hound, right enough. FANSHAW    Your guns? LEMUEL    What about em? FANSHAW    The hostel sign shows they're quakers.  They do not allow guns in the house. LEMUEL    Idjits.  Fine.  I'll cache em here somewheres. SOUND    RUSTLING VALOR    [coming on, barking and panting, doesn't seem at all cold] FANSHAW    Oh, I say. LEMUEL    That explains a lot.  You look after 'em.  I got t'get inside and get around some grub.  FANSHAW    Right-ho.  Here boy.  There's a good dog. VALOR    [enjoys the petting, then barks a couple of times] 4  DINNER MUSIC SOUND    TWO TIN PLATES AND FORKS BURDEN    I haven't spoken grace yet! DON    Grace yourself, woman.  We're hungry. BURDEN    For what we are about to receive, let the lord make us thankful.  Amen ALL CHILDREN    Amen. SOUND    POUNDING ON THE DOOR BURDEN    [gasps, almost a scream] CHILDREN    [also react] RANDELL    Shut up!  Tell em to go 'way. BURDEN    We are a stage stop - we have to take folks. DON    Not tonight. Go on. SOUND    CHAIR, WOMAN'S FOOTSTEPS, KNOCK ON DOOR AGAIN BURDEN    But if I send them away, they might could make it to Corvel in the valley, and tell folks--. RANDALL    We can't have no one-- BURDEN    Even on a night like this, the sheriff would-- DON    Let 'em in.  [threat] We can deal with 'em, if'n we have to. SOUND    BAR REMOVED FROM DOOR, DOOR OPENS, LEM'S STEPS COME IN BURDEN    [as if trying to tell him something] Sorry about the wait, stranger - things are a mite rough here right now. DON    [saccharine] Never mind, dearest-- BURDEN    [gasp] DON    Bring the gentleman on in. LEMUEL    I hope you don' mind - I already bunked my horses in the stables. PIOUS    What he say? RANDALL    [hissed]  You'll keep shut if you know what's good fer you. SOUND    WOMAN'S BOOTS RUN TO TABLE BURDEN    Shh.  Shh, Pious, honey.  SOUND    CHAIR SCRAPE, MAN TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS DON    Children.  [forced chuckle] You got to take a firm hand with them.  I'm Don Phelps, the proprietor here, and this here's my wife, [hint hint] right dear? BURDEN    [quiet] Yes. RANDALL    But-- DON    And this here's her brother, Randall - he helps us around the place.  [beat] We don't see many travelers in weather like this. LEMUEL    [playing a bit dumb] Reckon not.  Well, I'm right lucky you're here, and, ma'am, I am pert near faintin with rapture at the smell o'your cookin - can you make some room at that table, with all them young'uns? BURDEN    Always room.  And they's always food. LEMUEL    I should oughta tell you - I had to leave a parcel of my goods out in the woods, since the horses was flaggin.  I kin go back fer it once the sky clears a bit, but all my money's in there. RANDALL    [too quick] How much? DON    Ssh.  I kin see right well this feller's good fer the cost of a room and grub, even if the snow carries on fer a mite longer. GARRETT    [off, muffled groan] RANDALL    Garry!  What's agoin on with him--? DON    Hesh now, Randall.  Woman, you go and look in on [emphasized] your other ailing brother.  I'll serve this good feller. SOUND    AFTER A SLIGHT HESITATION, FOOTSTEPS LEAVE, DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS DON    Well sir, we've got some good stew here, a load of turnips, and bread and butter. FANSHAW    Lem, there is something very much not right here. LEMUEL     Reckon I'll take whatever you got to spare. FANSHAW    I know you won't be able to reply to anything I say, but-- DON    You tuck in, and I spect that tomorrow, once it clears some, my brother-in-law here and I would be happy to help you go and get your ... goods.  How far out was you when you had to unburden yourself? FANSHAW    Goods? LEMUEL    Coupla hours back - so might coulda been a few miles, depending on how much headway we made.  I kin find it again, though I doubt me anyone else could - I hid it real good.  [chuckles] FANSHAW    Ah.  I see you don't need me to tell you these fellows are up to no good.  And carrying weapons - no quakers, these. LEMUEL    What's wrong with your friend in the back? RANDALL    None o' your goddamned-- DON    Randall!  Not in front of the children!  He slid on some ice and broke his leg real bad.  FANSHAW    Funny - I took a look back there, and I never saw a broken leg that required a bloody bandage to the chest before. LEMUEL    Hmm.  That's a real bad one.  VALOR    [Whines] FANSHAW    Shh.  I know how frustrating it can be to smell food and not be able to have any.  Believe me, boy. DON    What do you do, stranger? LEMUEL    [swallows hard, then]  I - well, see, I'm a‑‑ FANSHAW    Courier? LEMUEL    --a courier.  Carrying important packages fer -- gold mining concerns.  VALOR    [whining, tugging] FANSHAW    What is it?  You can't-- VALOR    [almost growling as he tugs] RANDALL    Gold mining?  FANSHAW    I swear that man's eyes just lit up like the footlights at the Tivoli. VALOR    [GROWLING, getting intense] FANSHAW    Damn.  Lem, the dog's not going to let up until I see what he wants to show me.  [going off] I shall return shortly. LEMUEL    Bet them kids are a good lot of help running a hostel and all. DON    Not so much as you'd think.  I'm only their step-daddy, you see, so they ain't taken to me much yet. LEMUEL    Ahh.  At's a hard row to hoe. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, WOMAN COMES BACK, APPROACHES SLOWLY BURDEN    [whispering] I finally managed to stop the bleedin. LEMUEL    Bleedin?  [low whistle]  That's a bad break and no mistake. DON    Yes.  Yes 'tis.  [to Burden] Well, that's good, then.  Sit and eat. BURDEN    I need to get the children to bed. RANDALL    No way, you-- DON    Shh.  Don't you have no hospitality in you, woman?  Them kids can see to themselves while you stay here and keep us all comp'ny. BURDEN    Come here, y'all.  A kiss goodnight then you run along. FAITH    Mama-- BURDEN    Shh.  You look after the little ones, Faith. SOUND    KISS ON THE FOREHEAD HOPE    [in tears, but quiet] I don't wanna--! BURDEN    You have to, Hope, sweetie. SOUND    KISS ON THE FOREHEAD RANDALL    Oh, get on with it.  Are they like this every damn night? DON    [forced chuckle]  He's just arrived fer a visit.  These cowhands - not used to family living. LEMUEL    I'm purty much the same. FORTITUDE    Mama. SOUND    KISS ON THE FOREHEAD BURDEN    Don’t you forget your prayers just cause we have guests in the house, Fortitude. FORTITUDE    Yes, mama. RANDALL    Well, I gots to take myself outside for a bit.  Y'all'll be all right without me? BURDEN    The outhouse is-- RANDALL    This kind of weather, I ain't troublin to go that far. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, DOOR, BLIZZARD UP, DOOR SHUTS COURAGE    [whimper] BURDEN    Have courage, Courage. SOUND    KISS ON THE FOREHEAD DON    Them names these children have. LEMUEL    Nothing wrong with good sound virtues.  SOUND    KISS ON THE FOREHEAD BURDEN    Now, Courage, you take Pious by the hand and all ya'll run along t' bed.  Hope, take baby Humility-- DON    Baby can stay.  BURDEN     [gasps]  DON    They're too young to look after him.  Sides, he's sleeping. BURDEN     You... y'all go on up, now. SOUND    PATTER OF FOOTSTEPS GOING UPSTAIRS BURDEN    I'll be listenin fer your prayers!  [breaking slightly] I - I love y'all! VALOR    [distant mournful howl] 5 OUT BACK MUSIC SOUND    BLIZZARD VALOR    [Howling mournfully] FANSHAW    Bloody dog.  If you weren't a good solid dark color, I would have lost you long ago.  So what is it, boy?  Hmm?  [horrified and stunned] Oh.  My word. 6_PLAIN FARE MUSIC AMBIANCE    INSIDE, BLIZZARD IN BACKGROUND LEMUEL    Well, ma'am, I must say that's the best meal I've aten in quite some time.  BURDEN    [pleased] Plain fare.  We weren't expectin no one. LEMUEL    Plain fare's the best.  Hits the spot. DON    Randall's been gone a damn long time.  Where could he'a got to? BURDEN    You want I should go an' check? DON    [sharp]  No!  [chuckles insincerely, softens] I mean, no, dear.  Why donch you come and sit by me?  SOUND    HAND PATS CHAIR, RELUCTANT FOOTSTEPS, CHAIR SQUEAK DON    If Randall cain't find his own way back from relievin hisself, well, mebbe he deserves to have it freeze and snap off. LEMUEL    I can go and look?  I should cast an eye over my horses, make sure they're warmin up. DON    Um...  Certainly, certainly.  That sounds just fine. LEMUEL    Be right back.  [goodbye] Ma'am. SOUND    BOOTS, DOOR OPENS 7 BRAVING THE STORM SOUND    BLIZZARD UP SOUND    DOOR CLOSES, BOOTS IN SNOW FANSHAW    Lemuel, something terrible is happening here.  You must come see-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS DON    [shouting very loud]  You bring Randall on back here the minute you find him, eh, stranger? LEMUEL    A'course. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS LEMUEL    [low] No chance of sneaking up on that kai-yote while he's rifling my saddlebags now, is there? FANSHAW    Oh, yes, I forgot to mention-- LEMUEL    That's not what you wanted me to--? FANSHAW    He didn't find your guns, but he's still in the barn.  Come along, this way. 8 BACK INSIDE MUSIC AMBIANCE    INSIDE SOUND    DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS RANDALL    Colder than a witches-- DON    Where the hell were you?  That stranger went a'looking fer you - didn't you see him? RANDALL    Nope.  Mebbe he got lost. DON    Well, that won't get us his goods, will it?  We can search from now to kingdom come and-- RANDALL    Keep yer shirt on.  [leering]  At least fer now, eh, wifey? BURDEN    [sharp intake of breath] RANDALL    [grumbling] And you told the fellow I'us her brother just so's you could get a leg up-- DON    You should go find that feller.  We cain't let him get to thinkin there's anythin wrong.  SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, DOOR UNLATCHES DON    Oh, and - was there anything int'resting in his saddlebags? RANDALL    [grunt of annoyance]  Not much.  Mostly what you'd expect. DON    Mostly? RANDALL    Well, there was this metal jar might be worth a few bucks.  But it wouldn't open.  And was right heavy.  [shrugs] Figured if'n we decide it's worth it, we can lift it later with the rest of his kit. 9 _ THE BODIES MUSIC FANSHAW    Just a bit farther. LEMUEL    [snort]  Like I haven't heered that before. VALOR    [bark, panting] FANSHAW    Watch where you step. LEMUEL    Blood? FANSHAW    Well, snow certainly doesn’t usually come in that color. SOUND    BRUSHING AWAY SNOW LEMUEL    It's fresh - no more'n a couple hours old. FANSHAW    The - source - is just ahead of you. LEMUEL    Hmm?  Ah, hell.  Who's he? FANSHAW    I suspect we have here this poor fellow's master.  And just to your right-- LEMUEL    Yep.  The man'us kilt outright - shot through the head like that don't leave you moving much. FANSHAW    But - the blood trail? LEMUEL    That's your amigo there.  Looks like even gut shot, he was tryin to go and get hep.  FANSHAW    Did he freeze? LEMUEL    I hope so - I heer it hurts some less than a gunshot.  But froze or bled out, he probably passed right about when we first heered him. FANSHAW    Poor fellow. LEMUEL    I swear'n he's the first animal spirit I've ever come upon--  Master around anywhere's? FANSHAW    I'll take a look. DON     [off, calling] Stranger?  You lost? LEMUEL    Damn.  See if you can pick up anythin.  I'll circle round so's they cain't see I was out this way. FANSHAW    Righty-ho.  Be careful, Lem.  LEMUEL    Like a cowhand in his best boots. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS OFF THROUGH SNOW A1  LEM RETURNS MUSIC AMB    INSIDE.  BURDEN    [fretting] I should check on the children. RANDALL    They're fine.  Why'n't you give me a big kiss, li'l lady, while we have a chance to be on our lonesome. BURDEN    I will not. RANDALL    [snort] Won't kiss me?  You'll do more'n that 'fore we hit the trail again, and having all them children, I'll bet you know jest what I mean... BURDEN    I am a righteous woman!  You can't-- RANDALL    Righteous or not, the parts all work the same. SOUND    SLIGHT STRUGGLE SOUND    DOOR OPENS DON    What'n hell you up to, Randall?  We agreed-- RANDALL    You agreed.  I ain't had much choice. DON    If that feller walks in and sees this - RANDALL    I say we tie em both up, take what we want, and forget all this folderol. DON    Have you looked in that feller's eyes?  He ain't the kind o' man to give in, even tied up and beaten.  We gotta pull the wool over his eyes, but good.  Shh! SOUND    BOOTS UP ONTO PORCH,  STOMP OFF SNOW.  DOOR OPENS SOUND    BURDEN PULLS FREE OF RANDALL, DASHES TO LEM BURDEN    [trying badly to sound normal] Let me hep you with yer coat.  We thought you mighta got lost.  [whispered] be careful. LEMUEL    Nah, Jest took the long road back, by way of the convenience - seemed logical, since I was already out in it.  [whispered] I know. BURDEN    [normal tone, startled] You--? LEMUEL    Hold on, let me shake the snow out the door.  [whispered] I won't put you or your brood in danger if'n I can hep it. BURDEN    Thank you kindly. RANDALL    [teasing] I do believe he's trying to make time with your wife, Don. DON    Oh shut up, ya pillock.  Can we getcha anythin' else stranger? GARRETT    [coming on, yawning] Oh, boy do I feel a heap better.  How about some grub? LEMUEL    [muttered]  Damn. A2  FANSHAW AND VALOR MUSIC AMB    OUTSIDE FANSHAW    Hello?  Are you here?  Hmm.  Hey boy!  Find your master!  Can you do that? VALOR    [panting, one bark, then a slurp] FANSHAW    Good boy! A3  GARRETT MUSIC AMB    INSIDE GARRETT    Randall?  What's a'goin on? RANDALL    I spect we oughtta get you up to yer room fer the night, eh stranger? GARRETT    Randell!  Dammit!  SOUND    DOOR, FOOTSTEPS BURDEN    Pardon me, but we can't really go on calling you stranger, can we?  You're our guest now.  LEMUEL    [thinks for a moment] Lemuel Roberts. RANDELL    The Deadeye Kid? SOUND    SLAP AND DRAW LEMUEL    [quizzical] Who? GARRETT    The Deadeye Kid!  Ain't that just-- DON    Stand up and show me yer hands. SOUND    CREAK OF CHAIR, COAT BEING LIFTED DON    You never heered of the Deadeye Kid? LEMUEL    He an outlaw? GARRETT    He's a gunslinger. RANDELL    [disbelieving noise] He's just one of the meanest hombres out there.  Kilt over 30 men they say - all showdowns. LEMUEL    [chuckles] I look like that kind of feller? DON    A bit, around the eyes. GARRETT    Funny - he din't actually say he weren't the Kid.  Ask him again. DON    Well, at least you ain't strapped now.  That's fine.  Randall, you gotta jug on you? BURDEN    [gasps, then smothers it] SOUND    POP OF CORK, LIQUID POURS RANDELL    Here's hoping the snow runs away fast as a redcoat regiment. GARRETT    What's wrong?  Why won't you ask him? LEMUEL    Sounds good. SOUND    DRINKING A3  KITCHEN MUSIC AMB    INSIDE, BUT NOT THE SAME ROOM VALOR    [bark, bark] FANSHAW     [coming on]  In here?  Aha!  Sir? WILL    Who the hell are you?  Another one of my wife's men? FANSHAW    What? WILL    The way she's carrying on out there - Them fellers are just about having their way with her-- FANSHAW    "Them fellers" killed you, sir, and your good lady is in there trying to keep them from doing the same to your children. WILL    O'course you would say that - fancy pants like you, she'd be kissing your feet. FANSHAW    [long breath out]  I am going to ask you one time, sir - do you have a weapon here somewhere that might help us? WILL     Oh, you'd like that wouldn't you?  Take a man's own shotgun, poke his wife, and dance on his grave, eh?  Well, Bessie is well hidden.  You won't never find her - let the bitch and her bastard whelps die. SOUND    HARD PUNCH WILL    Hey! FANSHAW     So sorry, usually I would warn a gentleman before striking him. WILL    You bastard!  SOUND    COUPLE OF JABS FANSHAW    But since you're not a gentleman... SOUND    PUNCH WILL    [going down] Uhh! SOUND    DOOR OPENS, QUICK FOOTSTEPS IN FANSHAW    Ma'am.  Ahh. [frustrated noise] SOUND    SLOWLY POURING WATER TO COVER THE SOUND OF CRYING BURDEN    [crying] FANSHAW    Oh, Madam.  I wish I could reassure you.  Lemuel is very good at what he does.  If there weren't the two of them, he'd have sorted this out long ago.  Don't cry.  If there is anything I can do - anything within my power, I -- [sigh, then annoyed]  Of course there isn't-- SOUND    FROM OFF [GARRET SCREAMING IN FRUSTRATION] FANSHAW    Or is there? A4  SHUT UP SOUND    HER FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR, DOOR OPENS LEMUEL    [fading in after door opens]  --spent a few weeks in California - nothing much there, cept'n round the train tracks... GARRETT    [screaming]  What's going on?  FANSHAW    What's--?  [catching himself]  Bloody hell. GARRETT    [screaming]  This isn't funny!  Randall!  SOUND    SLAP FANSHAW    Calm down!  GARRETT    Ow! FANSHAW    Come with me, now. GARRETT    Who in blazes are you? FANSHAW    [thinks for a moment, then]  I'm the angel Gabriel.  Who the devil are you?  GARRETT    Gabriel?  But I ain't -- Oh, lord am I dead?  Shouldn't angels not be taking the devil's name in vain? FANSHAW    [arch and superior] Who do you think we should swear by?  Our lord? GARRETT    [cowed] You got yerself a point.  Sorry.  What do I do now? FANSHAW    Firstly, you be quiet, and let people think. LEMUEL    [sigh of relief] DON    That's some good stuff, ain't it? LEMUEL    Let's just say, I have a special fondness for spirits. DON    I'll drink to that. RANDALL    You reckon I should look in on Garrett? LEMUEL    Let the lady do that.  It's her job, making sure he [slight emphasis] stays alive, right? BURDEN    [distant] Yes.. DON    What's wrong with you? BURDEN    [sniff, almost in tears] It's been a trying day. DON    Women.  You get on now.  Make sure Garret's comftable. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, DOOR FANSHAW    Lem.  I expect you've noticed Garrett's dead.  I have him calmed down, but that may not last.  Do you think she'll know what to do?   LEMUEL    [muttered] She ain't screamed yet. RANDALL    What's that?  LEMUEL    Your friend must be doin all right.  Or your wife would have called for help. RANDALL    My sister.  His wife? LEMUEL    Sorry, it's late.  And that's some pow'rful strong stuff you got. FANSHAW    There's a shotgun somewhere in the house.  If I find it, can you let that poor woman know?  Her husband is - well, he - I had to "slug" him, I believe is the word. LEMUEL    Worst thing about late nights is the rambling on some folks do.  DON    What? LEMUEL    Just thinking you're good company, you two, since you understand the value of silence. FANSHAW    Very well.  [sigh]  I shall go and look for the shotgun. A5  DOGS CHOICE MUSIC VALOR    [barks] FANSHAW    Some Quakers.  Alcohol and guns.  Tsk. Tsk.  They're not even trying.  All right boy, show me where the gun is? WILL    He's my damn dog.  No way he's gonna betray me. FANSHAW    What's his name, then? WILL    Valor.  Like it matters, since he won't answer to you. FANSHAW    Valor?  Hmm.  Here boy, here Valor. VALOR    [Panting, one sharp bark.] WILL    Don't listen to him, ya damn mutt. SOUND    SCRABBLING OF CLAWS ON THE FLOOR FANSHAW    The poor little fellow looks confused.  WILL     Get over here, or I'll whup you good, and you know I will! FANSHAW    Valor.  Help me help your mistress, boy. VALOR    [two sharp barks] SOUND    DOG RUNS TO FANSHAW VALOR    [panting] FANSHAW    Good boy.  Yes, you are a good boy, aren’t you? A6  FINAL FIGHT MUSIC SOUND    BABY FUSSES DON    Can't you keep that thing quiet? BURDEN    It's noisy in here.  He can't sleep. LEMUEL    If you need to absent yourself, ma'am.  I'm sure we menfolk kin do without you. RANDALL    You don't know no such thing.  Woman, sit! FANSHAW    Lem, your glass - tap it once for yes, twice for no.  Understand?   SOUND    One tap FANSHAW    Valor - the dog - showed me where the master of the house kept his shotgun.  It's behind some turnip sacks on a shelf in the cellar. SOUND    ONE TAP FANSHAW    You think you can get at it somehow? SOUND    TWO TAPS LEMUEL    Ma'am? FANSHAW    What? BURDEN    Yes, Mr. Roberts? LEMUEL    Do you have some more of this fine whiskey? BURDEN    Of course not! RANDALL    [a bit drunk] Pious mealy mouth.  We had t'bring our own, o'course. LEMUEL    Come now, ma'am.  I bet you have something a bit more powerful - say, down in the root cellar?  My momma allus used to hide hers behind some turnip sacks on a shelf. BURDEN    How do you know I have a cellar? LEMUEL    Let's jest say the spirits are calling to me. RANDALL    You don't know how true that just may be! DON    Shut it.  I don't know that we need anything more to drink.  LEMUEL    Ah, well.  Yer prob'ly wise there.  One more drink and I'll be toes up next to that fire snoring my life away, anyway. DON    Really?  [sly] See what you can find, woman. SOUND    FEET CROSS ROOM, DOOR SOUND    BABY FUSSES RANDALL    I swear'n  I'm gonna smother that critter. DON    That's no way to speak of your nephew, Randall.  [apologetic]  He's real close to toes up hisself, stranger. LEMUEL    I know that.  Mm.  One other hazard of liquor.  I think I got to find my way outside again. DON    Nonsense.  Much too cold now.  LEMUEL    When you gotta, you-- SOUND    GUN SLAPPED DOWN ON TABLE RANDALL    Man said no, Stranger. LEMUEL    a'right. GARRETT    [coming in] Gabriel?  I been saying every prayer I know, and I'm plumb bored.  Ain't no heavenly choir coming fer me, yet. FANSHAW    [sigh]  I shall check on that.  Wait in that room for me-- WILL    [coming on]  Dammit, you told that harlot where my gun is!  And who the hell are you? FANSHAW    Mr. innkeeper, this is one of the bastards who shot you and your dog.  WILL    What?  You done that? GARRETT    That ain't very angelic, Gabriel.  Besides, it was Don what actually shot him.  Oof! SOUND    PUNCH WILL    I gotta feeling I can't whale the tar out of him, though. SOUND     FIGHT CONTINUES FANSHAW    [whispered]  Garrett - perhaps I am really the devil and am damning you to be tormented  by those you wronged.  How do you like them apples? GARRETT    [grunts] LEMUEL    [laughs, turns it into a cough] DON    Where is that woman? RANDALL    [almost gone] Yeah? LEMUEL    She said she was going to the cellar. FANSHAW    I'll check. LEMUEL    She'll prob'ly be just another minute. RANDALL    I cain't wait another-- SOUND    CHAIR SQUEAKS, HE STUMBLES A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN FALLS TO THE FLOOR SOUND    BABY WAILS DON    Oh, god dammit. FANSHAW    Tip the table, Lem. SOUND    CREAK, SLIDE OF BASKET SOUND    BABY CRY SLIDES ALONG LEMUEL    [muttered] Thank you, I did think of that m'self.  Check the kitchen. DON    What you doing? SOUND    BABY GURGLES LEMUEL    My fault, I guess I leaned on it too hard. DON    Damn table nearly took my head off! LEMUEL    Leastways, I caught the baby. SOUND    BASKET SET ON FLOOR SOUND    BABY FUSSES SOUND    GUN DRAWN DON    Why don't you get up real slow? LEMUEL    Dammit.  SOUND    CHAIR SQUEAK SOUND    DOOR CREAKS OPEN REAL QUIET FANSHAW    She has the gun, Lem, but I don't know if she'll use it. LEMUEL    I don't wanna hear that. DON    Who you talking to?  You that drunk? LEMUEL    Look, you kill me, then what happens?  Think about it - you got one man wounded and another drowned in corn likker.  Which one you plan to carry when you make a run fer it? DON    Who says we're going anywhere?  We dump your sorry hide outside and stay here, snug as a bug 'til the snow lets up. LEMUEL    Or til you hurt one of this woman's children. DON    Spare me.  She ain't never gonna do nothing.  Quakers don't believe in violence.  I could butcher each one of the little brats and serve 'em to her in a stew, and she'd have to take it.  [ridicule] for god. BURDEN    Stranger! DON    Huh? SOUND    METAL SLIDING ON WOOD, THE SHOTGUN SKIDS TOWARD HIM DON    You damn bitch! SOUND    GUN SHOT BURDEN    [scream] SOUND    DOOR SLAMS SOUND    SHOTGUN COCKS DON    Now you-- SOUND    SHOTGUN BLAST DON    Uh! SOUND    BODY DROP RANDALL    [bleary] Whazzat? SOUND      SHOTGUN COCKS AGAIN SOUND    DOOR OPENS BURDEN    No! LEMUEL    What? BURDEN    That man is no threat.  Get his guns, and I'll tie him up. SOUND    LEM TAKES RANDALL'S GUNS, PATS HIM DOWN LEMUEL    But he - he threatened you.  And your kids. BURDEN    I will keep him tied up until the sheriff can get to us.  That one may have been god's will, but I will not have any more killing in my home. FANSHAW    She has a great deal of conviction. SOUND    ROPES WHIPPING AROUND TO TIE UP RANDALL LEMUEL    You do realize you will be alone? BURDEN    Nonsense.  I have seven children to help me look after him. SOUND    [baby wails]  LEMUEL    Ma'am, let me do this for you then.  Let me take the body - bodies, if I'm right about the man in the back room - outside.  I'll put them in the shed, along with your husband. BURDEN    He is dead? LEMUEL    I saw his body.  And the dog.  That's what put me on my guard. BURDEN    Give me my baby and I'll leave you to your... work.  A7  DEPARTING MUSIC AMB    OUTSIDE, COLD, BUT NOT BLOWING SOUND    HORSES BLOW, STAMP BURDEN    Stay to the left side of the road, it's a bit higher, and not so icy. LEMUEL    Thank you, ma'am.  I hope things get better for you. BURDEN    Please don't think I cannot appreciate your help.  Though I cain't abide violence, I -[breaking] I thank ye kindly for saving my children. LEMUEL    Not to worry, ma'am.  As a man who lived by the gun, I'm... well, I'm tryin'. BURDEN    We will pray for you. CHILDREN    [assenting] SOUND    HORSES LEAVE SOUND    SLIGHTLY OFF, DOOR SHUTS FANSHAW    I say, Lemuel, how does a pious woman like that end up married to a beast like - well, you must have heard him?  LEMUEL    Heard enough.  Out here, most times it's better to have some man in the house than no man - no matter what a cuss he is. FANSHAW    Have you ever considered settling down?  A hostel like that would be quite a nice little retirement. LEMUEL    I plumb cain't see myself putting down roots.  You? RANDALL    [muffled, tied face down over a horse]  Mm? FANSHAW     I haven’t any roots to put down. LEMUEL    If you did? FANSHAW    Well...  At one point, I fancied an academic seat of some sort.  Teaching, you know. RANDALL    [muffled]  If I did what? FANSHAW    Pity.  I rather hoped he would remain unconscious until we reached the sheriff. LEMUEL    If wishes were horses... FANSHAW    That kai-yote would be riding upright, instead of prone on a pack horse? LEMUEL    [chuckles] MUSIC END

When spacemen arrive on a peaceful planet, they find out why it's peaceful - when everyone ignores them completely.

Lem and Fanshaw roll into a little town just in time to stop an unjust hanging... but can they find out who truly deserves the rope?   Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts / Deadeye Kid -  J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw  -  J. Hoverson Sheriff Mortimer - Rick Lewis Larkey Collins - J.D. Lloyd Harp Fowler - Molly Tollefson Maddy Fowler - Krystal Baker Lute Fowler - Gene Thorkildsen Amity Fowler - Kris Keppeler Meg Pickens - Julia Lorraine Rafe Jenkins - Reynaud LeBoeuf Kentucky Pete - Sidney Williams (Fear On Demand) Jeb - Robyn Paterson (Kung Fu Action Theatre) Gabby, dead drunk - Sean Connor Harmonica music by Jere Canote (Canote.com) Other Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Cover Photo:  Lauren Burbank (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a mountain pass in late spring, can't you tell...?" ******************************************************************** A HANGING AT PICKENS ROCK Cast: [credits/olivia] Lemuel Roberts, the Deadeye kid Clarence Fanshaw Lute Fowler, accused murderer Harp Fowler, 11 Madrigal "Maddy" Fowler, 7 Amity Fowler, dead mother Rafe Jenkins, victim Sheriff Mortimer Larky Collins, henchman Meg Pickens, Rafe's fiancee Kentucky Pete, Gambler Gabby, town drunk OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a mountain pass in late spring, can't you tell?  1_ARRIVING MUSIC SOUND    EARLY MORNING NOISE, WOODS, TWO HORSES AMBLING FANSHAW    So many things I miss - out in the wilderness like this. LEMUEL    What?  You got air and water.  Freedom.  What else you need? FANSHAW    [longing] Tea.  LEMUEL    There's tea all over.  But you cain't even-- FANSHAW    It's not the drink itself, it's the act - the ceremony, if you will, of taking tea.  Tea and crumpets.  LEMUEL    What on god's green earth is a crumpet? FANSHAW    It's a... a... rather like a muffin, but more... refined.  LEMUEL    So you want boiled leaves and a refined muffin?  Next town we roll into, I'll make sure and rustle y'up some. FANSHAW    You don't understand.  Tea is a symbol.  Sitting down to tea with someone - it represents refinement.  Civilization. SOUND    CREAK OF SIGN HUNG FROM TREE LEMUEL    Speakin o' civilization-- FANSHAW    [sarcastic]  Ah.  Yes.  I'm certain any town out here will be chock-a-block with tea and crumpets. LEMUEL    "Pickens Rock".  Makes me think of... FANSHAW    Slim pickings? LEMUEL    [agreeing] I reckon. 2  TOWN MUSIC SOUND    SLOW HOOFBEATS ON HARDPACK.  SLIGHT ECHO, EMPTINESS FANSHAW    Slim pickings, indeed.  No one appears to be in residence. LEMUEL    Don't look abandoned, though.  Ev'thing's shut up tight.  Mebbe there's a county fair or sumpin? FANSHAW    Possible, yes.  Oh, there's someone-- LEMUEL    Sir? GABBY    [drunk and confused]  Whaa-a-at? LEMUEL    I'm shore sorry to bother you, feller, but-- GABBY    h-h-hh- who are you? LEMUEL    --where is ev'body? GABBY    They's a-a-a-all just gone off to the hangin.  Who a-a-are y'all? LEMUEL    Which way?  [prompting] To the hangin'? GABBY    Follow the rud, as you're goin.  At the fork, take a-a-a-a left.  You'll hear 'em by then.  They's mighty worked up. FANSHAW    Lemuel, what are you thinking? LEMUEL    Tell me, old feller - who they fixing to set dancin? GABBY    Nice boy, thaa-a-at Lute Fowler.  Never woulda pegged him for a-a-a drygulcher. LEMUEL    Figgers.  We never end up nowhere, but they's an emergency awaitin us.  Come on.  [clicks to the horses] SOUND    HOOVES TAKE OFF FANSHAW    [calling back] Thank you very much! GABBY    [calling] D-d-d-ont mention it! 3  CROWD MUSIC SOUND    ANGRY CROWD SOUND    HOOVES APPROACH LEMUEL    Whoa, there. SOUND     HORSES PULL UP SHORT.  CROWD     QUIETS, THEN BUZZ STARTS FANSHAW    I can't wait to hear this. LEMUEL    [through gritted teeth] Shut up.  [voice raised]  I hear there's fixin to be a hangin? CROWD    BUZZ SHERIFF    [off, yelling]  Who's askin? LEMUEL    Y'ever hear of the Texas Rangers? CROWD    BUZZ!!!!! SOUND    PEOPLE MOVE, FEET APPROACH SHERIFF    [Coming on, suppressed fury, trying to be civil]  Well, now.  This is strictly local business.  We don't need no help.  But I do thank you for looking in on us. LEMUEL     That feller on the horse?  He's your - uh - SHERIFF    Duly tried and convicted murderer. LEMUEL    Lucky town, to have a judge handy. CROWD    BUZZ of MISGIVING LARKY    Well, we don't-- SHERIFF    Put a bit in it, Larky.  We didn't need no judge, ranger.  We got ourselves a confession. LUTE    [yelling, very hoarse] I never did-- [gulp as noose is tightened] HARP and MADDY    [scream and cry] LEMUEL    Funny.  That sounds like a denial t'me.  You do realize that without a judgment from a legal court o' law, this ain't no execution, it's a murder. CROWD    BUZZ, STARTING TO FALL APART. FANSHAW    Is it?  SHERIFF    I'm the law in this here town, friend.  I don't take kindly to you walkin in here and trying to cause a commotion. LEMUEL    I ain't tryin to do nothin of the sort, Sheriff.  I just don’t want to see a lawman like yerself let hisself get swept up by a mob and, uh-- FANSHAW    --be forced to condone an injustice? LEMUEL    --be forced to condone an injustice.  I know how tetchy a mob can be, and I cain't rightly blame you for not wantin a try and face 'em down - but with me at your side, I reckon we could stand. SHERIFF    [furious, but trying to stay jovial]  Well, now.  I guess I'll thank you very kindly, and..... [long breath, calming self, then turns away to call out]  Good people!  As I have long maintained, we must wait for the proper authority to conduct this properly.  We'll keep Lute Fowler locked up in jail until the circuit judge comes through next month - just as we shoulda done from the start.  [back]  Larky, go get that - gentlemen - down and back to the jail. LEMUEL    That's right big of you, Sheriff.  Now I'd be mighty honored to help you with any little thing you might need, seeing as I'm in town for a while. SHERIFF    For a while?  How long? LEMUEL    Don' rightly know.  Depends on how long it takes me to find what I'm looking for. SHERIFF    What's that? LEMUEL    'fficial business.  Caint go into it. SHERIFF    Very well, then.  I've got to get back to town, see this varmint locked up tight.  [grits teeth]  Again.  SOUND    FOOTSTEPS STOMP AWAY FANSHAW    A Ranger?  You've never--? LEMUEL    Never said I was - just ast if they'd heered of 'em. FANSHAW    What happens when they demand to see your credentials?  I somehow think that things are not so different over here -  impersonating an official is bound to get you into hot water. LEMUEL    I'll cross that bridge when I get there-- HARP    Mister? LEMUEL    What?  Oh, hello l'il pardner.  Didn't I see you standin up front--? HARP    You saved my pa, din't you? MADDY    [yes] Uh-huh! LEMUEL    Now, I just saw that justice is done proper-like.  If he's proven guilty, then he deserves-- HARP    He din't do none of this. MADDY    [no] Uh-uh. LEMUEL    Do either of you gotta name? [teasing] or any manners? HARP    Sorry, sir.  We's just real upset, y'unnerstand?  I'm Harp Fowler, and this is my little sister Maddy - Madrigal. LEMUEL    Well, I tell you what, Harp.  And Maddy.  I promise I will look into the case.  That's all.  If your pa's innocent, then I'll find it out.  All right? HARP    I reckon.  Well, if you need any help or anything, you can find me at the Lazy H ranch, up Blackbird Gulch.  I can shoot a gun! LEMUEL    I'll keep that in mind.  Y'all get on now. FANSHAW    [musing] Harp, Lute, and Madrigal?  What would they have named the next child? MADDY    Viola if twas a girl.  Fortay for a boy.  That's what mama always says. HARP    [annoyed] Oh, c'mon. SOUND    SMALL FEET WALK AWAY FANSHAW    [shocked] I... say. LEMUEL    What? FANSHAW    That child - the little girl.  She's...  she spoke to me.  She heard me. LEMUEL    [sorry for the kid] Damn.  4  SCENE OF THE CRIME MUSIC SOUND    FEET ON ROUGH GROUND LARKY    Just about here, I spect.  LEMUEL    Thankee kindly. LARKY    Whatchoo specting a find?  Lute kilt the Jenkins boy nigh on a week ago, and it's rained since. RAFE    Hello?  You lookin fer me? LEMUEL    Jest tryin to get a feel fer whut happened.  [beat] I kin find my own way back to town. LARKY    I'd be right pleased to get a chance to observe a real Ranger at work.  I won't make no bother.  LEMUEL    [reluctant]  Fine. RAFE    Hey, I'm over here. FANSHAW    [whisper] Keep him busy.  I'll see what I can find out. LEMUEL    [thinks, then] Where'd you say you thought the shooter was? RAFE    Shooter?  What shooter? LARKY    Up thissaway. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS OFF RAFE    [calling] Hey!  Fellers! FANSHAW    Hold on there. RAFE    What you want?  FANSHAW    My apologies sir, but I'm afraid I have some rather bad news for you.  RAFE    Why you talk like that? FANSHAW     There's no kind way to say this.  [sigh]  I'm afraid you are dead. RAFE    Dead?  What're you, then, an ayngel? FANSHAW    Oh!  No.  We - that gentleman over there and I - are trying to find out what happened to you. RAFE    How come he ain't askin me hisself? FANSHAW    Well, he would - but that fellow with the colorful name "Larky" would probably find it odd. RAFE    I... guess I see.  Tsch.  Dunno what I can tell you - I guess I really didn't even ... yet... FANSHAW    Realize that you're dead?  It's not uncommon, I fear. 5  OUTHOUSE MUSIC SOUND    WOODEN DOOR SWINGS SHUT LEMUEL    [quiet]  Where in hell are you, Fanshaw? FANSHAW    [shocked, muffled] Lemuel!  Don't you prefer some privacy? LEMUEL    [quiet] Consarn it, ya ninny.  That Larky is on me like a tick on a tinhorn.  I figgured this is the only way to get out from under him. FANSHAW    Well, I hope it's a two-seater.  [coming on]  Rafe didn't see anything - he was ambushed.  Shot in the back. LEMUEL    I got sumpin more important.  This. SOUND    SOMETHING PULLED OUT OF A POCKET FANSHAW    A badge? LEMUEL    A ranger's badge, and I surely didn't whittle it myself.  Someone slipped it inta my pocket.  I'm thinkin it musta been in that crowd at the hangin - only time anyone but Larky's been near enough.  Don't reckon you saw nothin'? FANSHAW    Terribly sorry, but no.  No one that stood out. LEMUEL    Seems the coach line here sees enough traffic that there's more'n a few strangers in town.  I couldn't poke much more'n that. FANSHAW    But who could have given that to you, and why? LEMUEL    How's this fer a guess - there's a ranger, here in town, and he don't want no one to know who he is. FANSHAW    But to give his badge away? LEMUEL    I'm figgurin he 'preciated my stoppin the hangin and dint want them fellers to find out I weren't no ranger and start the whole thing up again.  Jest acause he's hidin out don't mean he thinks we don't need no ranger in town. FANSHAW    [slight exasperatd sigh] Perhaps if you could get away from this Larky fellow, the real ranger would make himself known to you. LEMUEL    I'll see what I can do. 6  BRIGHT AND EARLY MUSIC SOUND    WINDOW SLIDES UP, CIGARETTE LIT AMBIANCE    EARLY MORNING NOISES LEMUEL    [blows out a long breath] SOUND    SOFT RAPPING AT THE DOOR SOUND    CHAIR SQUEAKS, A COUPLE OF BARE FOOTSTEPS, A GUN SNATCHED UP OFF A TABLE LEMUEL    [quiet] Yup? HARP    [whispered through door]  I needs to talk to you, Ranger. LEMUEL    [not quite being funny] You strapped? MADDY    [muffled giggle, through door] HARP    Shh.  [very serious]  Nope.  I come peaceable.  LEMUEL    All right then.  Come on. SOUND    DOOR OPENS CAREFULLY AND QUIETLY, SMALL FOOTSTEPS ENTER, DOOR SHUTS AMITY    Thank you kindly, sir. LEMUEL    [a bit surprised] Um.  Y'all have a seat? SOUND    CREAK OF WOOD HARP    You rangers see a lot of strange stuff, dontcha? LEMUEL    Strange how? HARP    My sister is a might tetched. MADDY    I ain't. HARP    She ain't rightly crazy, just thinks she sees folks as has gone and passed away.  MADDY    Where's your friend? LEMUEL    He- he'll be-- HARP     [to Maddy] Oh, hush.  Men're talkin' here. AMITY    They grow up so fast. LEMUEL    One thing rangers always do, fella, is get to the point.  You can't shock me, so come on. HARP    My sister says our dead momma is following us around to look after us [clears his throat as he tries to avoid breaking into tears] while our pa is in the hoosegow.  AMITY    I really tried to teach them to speak better, sir.  HARP    Maddy also says-- MADDY    There he is! FANSHAW    Is... this a party? LEMUEL    Ah, hell.  [comes to a decision]  Look, I'm gonna tell you the whole truth, but you can't let no one else hear this.  Swear? HARP    On my mama's grave. MADDY    That's not fair - she's right here. AMITY    It's all right, sweetheart.  You promise too. MADDY    All right, I promise too. LEMUEL    We gotta talk quiet.  Make sure no one hears. HARP    [avid]  All right! LEMUEL    I ain't never told no one alive what I'm about to tell you, and I can offer you proof, afore you go off thinkin I'm foolin wit'cha, here. HARP    I'ud never think you'us foolin. LEMUEL    Firstly, I ain't a real ranger.  It was the only thing I could think of t'say t'stop the hangin.  See, I'm being plumb truthful here, now. HARP    [hopes dashed] Not a ranger? LEMUEL    Sorry, son, I'm just plain Lemuel Roberts - retired gunslinger.  FANSHAW    He used to be the Deadeye Kid. MADDY    You were the Deadeye Kid? HARP    How you know that? LEMUEL    My pal Fanshaw just told her. HARP    Who?  What's agoin on? LEMUEL    Lissen t'me, your sister aint tetched a'tall. She's ... like me.  Whether it's a blessin or a curse, we both see and hear "them as has passed on". HARP    'Zat mean our mama's truly here? LEMUEL    Is your mother a tall woman with big hands, a long plain face and a real sweet smile? HARP    [suddenly a small child] Momma? AMITY    I'm always with them both.  But Maddy will have to be the one to speak fer me. LEMUEL    Ma'am.  I spect you know there's a reason you're here? AMITY    Doesn't everyone remain after their clay has returned to dust? LEMUEL    I reckon the world would be an awful crowded place if t'were the case.  I found it's mostly just them with unfinished business that stay tethered.  AMITY    And my business--? FANSHAW    If I ain't mistaken, ma'am, they's sittin right here. AMITY    [laughs]  You're a very perceptive man. MADDY    [yes] Uh-huh! HARP    [sniffles, then gets down to brass tacks] So my sister ain't crazy.  Well, that's right fine, but howzit gonna help clear our pa? AMITY    He didn't do it, you know.  I was with him all night, as I always am, but I doubt I could be very credible as a witness. LEMUEL    [mildly amused] No, ma'am.  Spect not.  Harp, from everything I've heard, your pa's innocent, but I'm better off trying to find out who done it than trying to prove he din't.  What you know that I might not'a heard yet? HARP    Well, Rafe was dry-gulched around dusk, six days back.  My dad was at home.  LEMUEL    Why'ud the sheriff think your pa'ud done it? HARP    He wooden! MADDY    They's all sayin pa kilt Rafe cause Rafe assid--  assud-- AMITY    Accidentally. MADDY    Assidentally kilt our ma.  His cart run her down when he lost control o' his team.  AMITY    It was an accident, and Maddy and I have assured Lute of that, best we could.  Even if I didn't already know where he was all night long, he would never have hurt that poor boy. HARP    I believe Maddy.  And... and [almost breaking up] ma. LEMUEL    [sincere] Faith is a grand thing, son.  Don't you never lose it. HARP    Faith ain't gonna hep save our pa.  What can we do to hep you? LEMUEL    Is there anyone else in town might have a grudge against this fella Rafe? HARP    Nope.  He'us a nice feller.  His folks got the big spread up to the plateau. LEMUEL    Any other kin likely to get money if'n he died? HARP    I don't rightly know - reckon his folks are well off, and he got him four brothers, but they're all regular church-going folks - none'a them'ud do that. AMITY    [whispering] tell them about Meg. MADDY    Rafe was courting Meg Pickens.  Her folks own half the town.  [whispering] I saw 'em kissin once. HARP    Ew.  LEMUEL    And someone shot this poor feller, who everyone liked, in the back. 7  MEG MUSIC AMBIANCE    BUSY WESTERN STREET SOUND    BOOTS ON WOODEN SIDEWALK LEMUEL      [talking low] Looks like I need to scout the road out of town, figger out where they plan their ambuscade. FANSHAW     Ambuscade?  I'm impressed. LEMUEL    Pshaw.  I was thinkin-- MEG    [challenging]  Are you the Ranger? LEMUEL    [sigh] I spect I'm the one you're lookin fer.  And you are? FANSHAW    She appears to be in mourning - did Rafe have any sisters? MEG    I'm Meg Pickens, and you're the one who stopped the hanging of the ki-yote who killed my ...  [breaking a bit]  my beau. FANSHAW    Ah, the sweetheart. LEMUEL    You so sure Lute'us the right man?  I hate to orphan no children without being dead certain. MEG    Everyone knows he did it - he blamed Rafe for the accident that took his Amity! LEMUEL    Lute's children said he never spoke a harsh word agin the boy. MEG    Of course they'ud say that. LEMUEL    Now, miss, I won't never say that children ain’t known to lie from time to time, but they don't, if y'understand, always know what lies t'tell.  MEG    I don't take your point--. LEMUEL    If'n I ast them if their pa killed the man, shore they'd say no, cause even if'n it was true, they'd know that was the right lie to tell.  But I ast if their pa ever had harsh words agin your feller, and they said no - he was powerful torn up over their ma's passin, and was angry the boy lost control, but he never said it were no one's fault but providence. MEG    [softening] He never did? FANSHAW    Nottingham approacheth. LEMUEL    Eh? FANSHAW    My apologies - the sheriff. SOUND    BOOTS ON WOOD SHERIFF    [coming on] Ah, Ranger.  [smarm] Meg, my dearest girl.  You know I have nothing but sympathy for your loss. FANSHAW    Nothing?  The old letcher, he's practically salivating. MEG    Thank you kindly, sheriff Mortimer. SHERIFF    Can't you call me Henry? FANSHAW    It's rather like a wolf and a lamb. MEG    [disturbed] It really isn't appropriate, Sheriff.  I -- I just have... so much respect for your office. LEMUEL    I was just explaining to [slight emphasis] Miss Pickens here that I am just as het to see Rafe Jenkins' killer hung as anyone, but the law allows every man a proper trial, and you and I both, we're sworn to that law. SHERIFF    [nearly a growl] O'course.  Nothin's more important than the law. LEMUEL    Yep. MADDY    [off]  Psst. FANSHAW    What?  Oh.  I'll see what she wants. SHERIFF    Whuzzat?  Oh, the brat-- [grinds out] little Fowler child. MEG    I do feel sorry fer her.  If her father's a murderer and all. SHERIFF    If?  [anger rising] If?  A'course he's a murderer.  I wooden'a put him away if'n he weren't! SOUND    LITTLE FEET RUN AWAY MEG    [gasp, afraid] Sir!  Sheriff!  I understand you feel strongly about this-- SHERIFF    I'm shore sorry to let you see me in a pet like that.  [deep breath]  Last thing I'd ever want to do is show you the rough edge of my temper, Meg. LEMUEL    Sheriff, I'll take my leave, if'n you don't mind.  [goodbye] Miss Pickens. SOUND    BOOTS ON WOOD FANSHAW    You shouldn't leave her alone with him. LEMUEL    I wooden if they'us inside, but there's folks out and about here.  FANSHAW    That look in his eye - I would swear he's barely human. LEMUEL    Ayep.  You thinkin we just mighta seen the start of all this ruckus? FANSHAW    The sheriff?  You think he--?  Over the girl--?  Oh.  That is a sticky wicket, indeed. 8  SALOON MUSIC AMBIANCE    SALOON SOUND    BOOTS APPROACH MEN AT TABLE SHERIFF    Gimme three. SOUND    CARDS BEING DEALT KENTUCKY     And you? LARKY    Nothin' - no, wait.  Uh, one. SOUND    CARDS LEMUEL    Sorry, I thought this was dinner. SHERIFF    Will be shortly, Ranger.  Care to sit in for a coupla hands? LEMUEL    Don't mind if I do.  SOUND    SCRAPE OF CHAIR KENTUCKY    We'll just finish here first.  Won't be long.  Call? SHERIFF    Three tens. LARKY    Damn. SOUND    CARDS TOSSED DOWN OTHER MEN    [grumbling] SOUND    MORE CARDS, COINS, ETC. SHERIFF    And you, Kentucky? KENTUCKY    [sucks his teeth, then] Weeellll.  I've got two Jacks. SHERIFF    [chuckles avariciously] KENTUCKY    And three queens. SOUND    CARDS LAID DOWN SLOW AND TRIUMPHANT SHERIFF    What?  LEMUEL    I believe that makes a full house. SHERIFF    [furious!]  Cheater!  Sharp! KENTUCKY    I did not--! SOUND    TABLE FLIPS, CARDS, MONEY, GLASSES, FALL TO FLOOR SHERIFF    We don't hold with cheatin in this here town! KENTUCKY    I assure you-- SOUND    PUNCH, THEN A GRAB, and a SWING THAT MISSES LEMUEL    Sheriff, I reckon you need ta calm down.  SHERIFF    [spluttering]  That bastard--! LEMUEL    Larky, take your boss here and get him a shotta whiskey - I'll search this feller, and if he's holdin out, well then I'll arrest him. LARKY    [trying to be brave, but frightened] C'mon boss. LEMUEL    Up you come.  [grunts as he helps K up] KENTUCKY    [groans]  I think he broke my nose. LEMUEL     [amused] Musta been a good pot. KENTUCKY    Not more than ten dollars.  [long juicy sniff, grunt of pain]  You that ranger? LEMUEL    That's got around, eh? KENTUCKY    Hard not to, town like this.  I assure you, sir, I was not cheating.  Frankly, it's hardly necessary against players who... well, aren't particularly skilled. SOUND    RUSTLE OF CLOTHING LEMUEL    I'll check your sleeves and pockets anyway, just so's they don't think you're talkin your way past me. KENTUCKY    I appreciate that. SOUND    RUSTLING OF CLOTHING, PAT ON THE BACK LEMUEL    Well, that's it - nothin.  Now I'll go see if the Sheriff's still colicky.  I'm thinkin you should get while the gettin's good.  SOUND    DRINK POURED, GULPED [SHER], GLASS SLAMMED DOWN ON BAR LARKY    Boss!  He's comin. SHERIFF    [slurry drunk] I'm gon kill him.  Ranger or not, he'll still bleed red. LARKY    Shh.  Only works if he don' know it’s comin.  [up] Ranger!  You let him go? SHERIFF    What? SOUND    SCUFFLE AS SHERIFF TURNS FROM THE BAR AND ALMOST FALLS LEMUEL    He wasn't holdin.  I convinced him to take his stake and go.  You'n yer men can go and collect your own - it's all still there on the floor. FANSHAW    Lem, that sheriff person is making no secret of his plans to assassinate you. LEMUEL    [accepting] Mm.  [up to the men] I'm thinkin I'll grab some grub and turn in - even rangers can only take so much excitement in a day. SHERIFF    [dark] Reckon so.  SOUND    FOOTSTEPS AWAY LARKY    Not in the hotel, boss.  SHERIFF    [snarls] How dare you? LARKY    Sir, I mean - woodenit be better to get him on his way outta town?  Then everyone'll know he was fine when he left - won't blame you - I mean, us.  SHERIFF    [grunt] FANSHAW    Despicable blackguards. 9  SHERIFF'S OFFICE MUSIC AMBIANCE      WESTERN STREET, MORNING SOUND    FOOTSTEPS ON WOODEN SIDEWALK, SOUND     SECOND PAIR OF FOOTSTEPS TROT UP LARKY    [coming on, puffing a bit]  Hey, ranger! LEMUEL    [muttered] Ah hell. LARKY     You headin to Sheriff's office?  Me too.  Messenger just come in, said the circuit judge'll be here two-three days at the outside.  Good news eh?  Lute can have his trial, then I reckon the town can have its hangin. LEMUEL    [muttered] Consarn it. LARKY    Whassat? LEMUEL    Come on. MUSIC SOUND    DOOR OPENS, WALK INTO OFFICE LARKY     Hey Jeb!  Sheriff in? JEB    Uh, no - he's off to look on on Meg Pickens.  He said he's worried cause her folks are away. FANSHAW    Oh, that's not good.  That young lady will be defenseless. LEMUEL    [snort of agreement, trying hard not to sound anxious]  How long ago did he leave?  We might could catch him up? JEB    Oh, round half hour ago, but I figgered he'd stop home to, uh, spruce hisself up a bit.  He's plumb sweet on that li'l lady. LARKY     That he is. LEMUEL    Larky, you kin show me how to head him off? LARKY     Cain't it wait til tomorra?  I sorely doubt that this would be a good time t'interupt him.  LEMUEL    I - I found sumpin he needs to see.  It'd prove Lute's case. LARKY     Hmm.  Sheriff'll be happy to hear that.  Make the judge's job real easy. LEMUEL    [level but forced] Get me to him. A1  RIDING OUT MUSIC SOUND    HOOFBEATS, TROTTING LARKY     He ain't gon' thank you, and he ain't gon' be best pleased with me, neither. LEMUEL    I don't care a whit for whether he's pleased or not.  Whoa! SOUND    HORSES PULL UP LARKY     What? LEMUEL    Whassat? LARKY     Where? LEMUEL    [irritated] Over there.  Lean this way.  See?  SOUND    THUMP ON HEAD LARKY     augh! SOUND    BODY SLOWLY LOWERED OFF HORSE TO GROUND, CRUNCHES ON GRASS LEMUEL    Cain't have you behind me Larky, old hoss.  FANSHAW    Leveled the playing field, I see.  You should take his horse - in case he recovers quickly. LEMUEL    Thick skull like that, he jest might. A2  SHOWDOWN_1 MUSIC SOUND    HOOVES, WALKING SOUND    HOOVES APPROACH QUICKLY LEMUEL    [coming on]  Sheriff! SHERIFF    What the blue blazes?  You?  What in hell do you want? SOUND    SECOND PAIR OF HOOVES SLOWS LEMUEL    Lute Fowler's escaped! SHERIFF    What! SOUND    HORSE REINS UP, SECOND HORSE REINS TOO SHERIFF    That sheep-loving son of a bitch!  I knew he'd try somethin. LEMUEL    I figgured this'd be worth trackin you down for.  I got a hunch tells me where he might go, as well. SHERIFF    Really?  LEMUEL    You and me, we can take him down. SHERIFF    [evil realization]  You and me?  Ye-e-e-es. MUSIC SOUND    HORSES SLOW, THEN STOP LEMUEL    We'll have to leave the horses.  Cain’t let him hear us. SHERIFF    [sly] Course not. SOUND    CREAKS AS THEY DISMOUNT SHERIFF    Show the way. LEMUEL    Stay here fr'a minute. SOUND    RUNS OFF THROUGH BUSHES SHERIFF    [fading off] Whatever you say, [dangerous] ranger. FANSHAW    Maddy told me of a big rock just over that rise.  Quickly now - you'll want cover.  He's rather agitated. LEMUEL    [snort]  SOUND    BUSHWHACKING STOPS LEMUEL    [calling]  Lute?  Lute Fowler? SHERIFF    [off, deliberately calling weakly] He there? You hear him? SOUND    STEALTHY MOVING THROUGH BUSHES LEMUEL    Shh! FANSHAW    He's closing on you.  He moves awfully quietly for a big man. SHERIFF    [almost a whisper, trying to sound farther away than he is]  Ranger? FANSHAW    Are you going to shoot him? LEMUEL    I - No. FANSHAW    What? SOUND    MOVEMENT STOPS, THEN SUDDEN NOISE AS LEM TURNS TO FACE THE SHERIFF LEMUEL    Y'coverin me, or fixin to shoot me in the back, Sheriff? SHERIFF    [tries to laugh it off] Lute's a desperate man.  Surprised you're still in leather. LEMUEL    Lute ain't here.  It's jest you and me. SHERIFF    Eh?  If you're plannin to plant me, boy, you shoulda thought twice.  Only gun to hand right now is mine. SOUND    TWO STEPS FORWARD LEMUEL    [calm and even] I see that.  And I know you can shoot a man in the back.  But that - uh - shake t'yer hand says maybe you cain't look me in the face and do it. SHERIFF    I can do anything I please.  No one'll even ask once you're gone. LEMUEL    Oh, there's a couple.  You think any ranger'd be fool enough to come out here without a man t'watch his back? SHERIFF    What I've seen from you, I ain't much impressed with rangers. LEMUEL    Huh.  Well you gonna shoot me or what? SHERIFF    I... will.  You gonna give me a reason? LEMUEL    Nope.  I'm figgurin you'll show yellow til you get riled 'nuff.  So I don' plan to rile you none. SHERIFF    [flash of anger] Yellow? LEMUEL    Rafe'us unarmed, barely old enough t'shave, and still you hadta shoot him in the back.  That says yellow louder than-- SHERIFF    [screaming]  Yellow!  I'm the damn sheriff!  The Sheriff I tell you! HARP    [screams from off]  Sheriff! SOUND    GUNSHOT GOES WILD SOUND    BODY HITS GROUND, ROLLS A BIT FANSHAW    Lemuel?  Lemuel? SOUND    GUNSHOT FROM FAR AWAY SHERIFF    Argh! A3 SHOWDOWN 2 LEMUEL    [spitting gravel, annoyed]  I'm fine. SOUND    BODY HITS GROUND FANSHAW    But that shot? LEMUEL    Well I was biting dirt, so I din't rightly see. HARP    Ranger!  Get up!  He's a-coming! SOUND    SLOW FOOSTEPS ACROSS HARD GROUND SOUND    SCUFFLE AS LEM TURNS TO FACE NEWCOMER LEMUEL    Well.  You do have a thick skull, don'tcha? SOUND    A COUPLE MORE SLOW STEPS, THEN LARKY    [chuckles, then sounding a lot less stupid and rough than before]  Good thing too.  You pack a wallop. FANSHAW    The sheriff is still breathing. LEMUEL    What happens now? LARKY    You hit the ground pretty hard.  Need a hand up?  LEMUEL    [beat] I - I'm a mite confused now. LARKY    I think you have something of mine. LEMUEL    What? SOUND    RUNNING FEET APPROACH HARP    You stop right there, Larky!  SOUND    COCKING OF HAMMER ON GUN LEMUEL    [getting it] I - I think it's all right Harp.  Slowly now, let that hammer down. HARP    But he's one o' them that railroaded my pa! LARKY    I'm truly not-- LEMUEL    Harp, don't be loco.  He's the one goes with this-- SOUND    SOMETHING PULLED OUT OF POCKET LEMUEL    Ain’t you, Ranger Larky? A4 RANGER MUSIC AMBIANCE    BACK IN THE HOTEL LARKY    You understand why I couldn't do anything - if I came forward, I would have wasted months of work, getting myself next to the Sheriff.  But-- LEMUEL    I still don't see-- LARKY    Hold on!  I swear to you, though, I would not have let Lute Fowler get hung just to keep my cover.  You came in at the nick of time. LEMUEL    Reckon we're even now.  LARKY    Reckon we are.  So where you off to? LEMUEL    Spect I don' know no more 'bout that than you do.  I jest... drift.  LARKY    Ever consider takin up the star? LEMUEL    [surprised] Me?  A ranger?  I don' think so. LARKY    And why not?  Takes grit, and you have that by the cartload. LEMUEL    I don't reckon I'd take to havin t'answer t'anyone.  LARKY    [chuckles] None o'us do.  But it ain't so bad when it means you got someone at yer back.  [long beat]  You'll let me know if'n you change yer mind? LEMUEL    You'll be the first. A5 TEA  MUSIC SOUND     PACKING THINGS INTO A RUCKSACK AS LEM TALKS LEMUEL    Now you don' forget-- MADDY    I don't never talk to no one in public less'n my brother talks to 'em first. LEMUEL    Yup.  And? MADDY    And if anyone catches me talkin to myself, I says I'm tryin to recall my lessons, and not that I's talking to dead folks. LEMUEL    That'll take you far.  You be careful, now. AMITY    Don't forget what you brought. LEMUEL    And what's 'at? MADDY    [remembering] Oh!  [grunt as she moves something heavy] SOUND    BASKET SET ON TABLE, CHAIR SQUEAKS LEMUEL    What... is it? MADDY    You sit on down, now.  Where's Mr. Fanshaw? SOUND    CHAIR SQUEAKS LEMUEL    [calling] Fanshaw! FANSHAW    [off, coming on] Eh?  What? SOUND    THINGS BEING TAKEN OUT OF THE BASKET AND SET ON THE TABLE MADDY    You sit rightchere. AMITY    [promptin] On my left. MADDY    [importantly] On my left. FANSHAW    [slowly realizing] Oh! LEMUEL    What? MADDY    Mama, you'll have a seat on my right? AMITY     Thank you kindly. SOUND    CLATTER OF PORCELAIN LEMUEL    Will someone please explain? MADDY    Would you like one lump or two, Mr. Lemuel? AMITY    [prompting] Mr. Roberts. MADDY    Mr. Roberts. LEMUEL    One lump of what?  I hate to tell you, child, but them plates and bowls is all empty. FANSHAW    [prompting] That's not the point, Lem.  Say One lump, no milk. LEMUEL    I ain't sayin-- aw, heck.  One lump no milk. SOUND    RATTLE OF PORCELAIN, CHING OF METAL ON CUP MADDY    And you, Mr. Fanshaw? FANSHAW    Oh, I would simply adore two lumps, and just the slightest bit of milk.  And are these biscuits? MADDY    No.  They's cookies.  I made 'em my self. FANSHAW    Well, they look delicious.  May I? MADDY    [giggles] You go on ahead now.  They's plenty where that come from. LEMUEL    But there ain't--  What is it?  What is all this folderol? FANSHAW    Why Lem, it's -- tea! MUSIC END

A maiden aunt's intergalatic hothouse may be housing danger.

When reformed gunslinger Lemual Roberts (formerly the Deadeye Kid) and his sidekick, British travel writer Clarence Fanshaw, roll into town, things sometimes get a bit... spirited.... But sorting out a feud in Ozark hill country might be more than they can handle.  Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson Sheriff Nell - Hillary Dixon Bartender - Joel Harvey     DRUMMONDS Eb Drummond - Dan Conklin Jake Drummond - Jake Stratton     TARBOXES Abner Tarbox - Bill Hollweg (of Brokensea Audio) Hap Tarbox - Reynaud LeBoeuf Marilee Tarbox - Beverly Poole Jenfaire Tarbox - Jody Montague Harmonica music by Jere Canote (Canote.com) Other Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Cover Photo:  Lauren Burbank (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it? Why it's hill country somewhere in the Old West..." ********************************************************************** THE DEADEYE KID Cast: Olivia Lemuel Roberts (Deadeye Kid), retired gun, seen it all Clarence Fanshaw, British writer, highfaluting Hap Tarbox, last of the Tarboxes Jake Drummond, last of the Drummonds Marilee Tarbox, cause of the feud Jenfaire Tarbox, Marilee's sister Abner Tarbox, "old man" of the Tarboxes Eb Drummond, old and more than a might tetched Barkeep Sheriff Nell Milford - ex-schoolmarm, talks purty. OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's an Ozark cart-road, can't you tell?  WESTERN MUSIC AMBIANCE     DAYTIME WOODS - BIRDS, ETC. SOUND    HOOF BEATS - TWO HORSES LEM    Tell me again why you wanted to come on up here? FANSHAW    I've told you a dozen times already, old chap. LEM    Keep tellin' me and might could I'll believe it some time. FANSHAW    [chuckle]  I am fascinated by the impact of emigrant culture into the Americas.  This particular area of the Ozark Mountain Range was heavily influenced by the Scottish who came here over the years. LEM    I never heered no one from hereabouts sounding Scotch. FANSHAW    Not surprising, my good man - Scotch is a whiskey.  Scottish is an accent. [chuckles] LEM    [disgusted] I reckon. FANSHAW    And you see, this area is most commonly known for carrying over the Scottish concept of the feud. LEM    Well, I guess I did know that. FANSHAW    Some feuds in Scotland went on for generations - long after everyone had forgotten the root cause of the conflict. LEM    Yup. FANSHAW    And this area is so isolated, nothing will have changed much for - oh, 200 years.  It's like a window into the past. LEM    Speaking of holdin' grudges, Fanshaw, You might not want to say too much - folks round here might still be smartin' from that little dustup with your folks. FANSHAW    My folks? LEM    You know, hunnert-some years back? FANSHAW    Hundred?  Oh!  Oh, yes.  I take your point, Lemuel.  Yes.  I shall keep mum, then, until we have tested the waters, so to speak, and understand the local population a mite better. LEM    Long as you keep shet, I reckon we'll do fine. SOUND    JUST THE HORSES FOR A MOMENT SOUND    GUNSHOT ABNER    Stop right there! SOUND    HORSES PULL UP LEM    [resigned] Don' want no trouble, podner. ABNER    You one o' them? LEM    Don' even know who them is. ABNER    [hatred oozing]  Them Drummonds? LEM    Not no Drummond.  Don' know no Drummonds.  Jest passin' through.  Name's Lemuel Roberts. ABNER    Roberts?  You the Deadeye Kid? LEM    [sigh, weary]  Used t'be.  I's retired. ABNER    But you don't stand with them Drummonds? LEM    I stand pretty much as you see me. ABNER    [thinks a moment]  You's s'posed to be mighty good with a shootin' iron - any chance you'd like a job? LEM    I don' take sides. ABNER    It wooden take long.  You and me, we cud end this hyear thing once and fer all. LEM    [sigh] I ain't a shootist no more.  Fight yer own battles.  SOUND    HOOVES, CONTINUING UNTIL STOPPED FANSHAW    [whispered] I say, what if he shoots you in the back? LEM    [snort] Won't make no never mind.  He ain't no danger. FANSHAW    [realizing something]  Oh!  [beat]  I'm always surprised that you see things like that so much more clearly than I. LEM    Yep.  [dry sarcasm]  I'm the lucky one. MUSIC AMBIANCE    WESTERN TOWN SOUND    ONE SET OF BOOTS ON WOOD SOUND    SALOON DOOR OPENS, BOOTS STOP AMBIANCE    SALOON PEOPLE    [talking, slight lull in conversations] SOUND    BOOTS CONTINUE, DOOR SWINGS SHUT PEOPLE    [Conversation resumes] FANSHAW    [quietly] You certainly know how to make an entrance. LEM    [quietly] Don' see too many strangers hereabouts. BARKEEP    Certainly don't.  We're a mite off the beaten path.  What'll you have? LEM    Whiskey. FANSHAW    I could do with some myself. LEM    [sighs, then loud, to bartender]  I dint see no sign.  What's the name of this here town? BARKEEP    Locknaw. FANSHAW    [excited, but still very quiet]  I knew it!  I'm quite sure there's a castle Lochnaw - I shall have to look that up. SOUND    ONE GLASS BEING SET DOWN AND POURED BARKEEP    Like I said, we don' get many strangers hereabouts.  No need fer a sign. LEM    Reckon so.  [drinks quickly, reacts]  I heerd tell of some feudin' up this way?  P'raps why you get no company? BARKEEP    Did that blasted Hap Tarbox try and hold you up?  [calling]  Sheriff? LEM    No, no - I met someone, but he was might near civil.  FANSHAW    You call that civil? SOUND    OFF - CREAK OF CHAIR, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH LEM    They ain't no need fer...  You-- you all gotta female sheriff? FANSHAW    I say--! BARKEEP     [hurriedly, under his breath]  She's the only one no one-- SOUND    FOOTSTEPS STOP SHERIFF NELL    I’m Sheriff Milford, but most folks just call me Sheriff Nell.  LEM    Don’ take you very serious, do they? SHERIFF NELL    They don’t have much choice.  Is there anything I can help you with? BARKEEP    Tarbox's up to it again. SHERIFF NELL    That’s preposterous.  I've got him locked up.  What's your name, stranger? LEM    [reluctant, but rapid] Lemuel Roberts.  I saw someone-- BARKEEP    [belligerently, resents sheriff] Someone tried to stop him in the road and it surely weren't Abner Tarbox. FANSHAW    I say, why? LEM    [trying to calm them]  Dint nobody try to stop me.  I was just sayin I met someone on the road.  SHERIFF NELL    What did he look like? LEM    I dint-- FANSHAW    Just under 6 feet tall, ginger hair, perhaps 60 years old, ruddy complexion-- LEM    [undertone] tsch.  [up] --Dint get a good look at him.  He'us in the brush. BARKEEP    That's Hap-- SHERIFF NELL    Hush.  Let's have a seat. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS SHERIFF NELL    This ...person... did he say anything? SOUND    SQUEAK OF CHAIRS LEM    Ast if I was Tarbox or Drummond.  When I said I dint know neither one from Adam, he passed on... on by. FANSHAW    [chuckle] SHERIFF NELL    When was this? LEM    n'hour or so.  See here, what's a'goin' on? FANSHAW     Yes, this is perfectly fascinating! SHERIFF NELL    [sigh] Tarbox - Drummond feud.  Started long before I arrived in town.  They've just about managed to kill each other off.  The only ones still fighting are Hap Tarbox and Jake Drummond, and neither one has any children, so Locknaw's just keeping its head down until one or both is done in. LEM    And you're the only one they all-- SHERIFF NELL    I was made sheriff because I'm the only one in town with no kin on either side.  I came to Locknaw as schoolmarm, if you can believe it.  SHERIFF NELL     (continues) Took this on since it was the only way to keep them from shooting up the town every Friday night.  Now they just terrorize each other - and strangers. FANSHAW    Perhaps we can help? LEM    I'm not much of one fer interferin'-- SHERIFF NELL    That isn't what I've heard, Mister Roberts.  LEM    [Sigh] FANSHAW    Your reputation precedes you. LEM    I cain't never get away from it. FANSHAW    [with Nell] Double negative.  [chuckles at Nell's reaction] SHERIFF NELL    [with Fanshaw] You shouldn't use a double negative like that.  [NOTE she does not react to Fanshaw's comment.] LEM     I don't rightly care.  SHERIFF NELL    I’m so sorry.  Old habits.  I'm-- [sigh]  Sorry.  If you truly don't want to interfere, I'll-- LEM    I dint not say that - neither. SHERIFF NELL    [laughs] FANSHAW    You're smarter than you act sometimes, "podner." LEM    Only, it's more on account of what I used to be, than what I am, if you take my drift. SHERIFF NELL    I'm afraid I don't.  Quite. FANSHAW    He's a reformed man.  Trying to make up for the things he feels he has done wrong. LEM    Let's just say that if I still were who I was, I'd prob'ly be wantin' money fer this.  Being who I am now, I'm just tryin' to -- well, get inta providence's good books. SHERIFF NELL    Expiation. FANSHAW    My precise word. LEM    Naw, just payin' back for my sins. MUSIC AMBIANCE    WOODS, ONE SET OF FOOTSTEPS IN UNDERBRUSH FANSHAW    Are you sure this is safe? LEM    You don' have to come along.  You're sumpin' of a trial. FANSHAW    That's the sort of thanks I get!  If it were not for me-- LEM    You know I don' mind the comp'ny, I jest meant-- SOUND    LOUD SNAP OF TWIG FANSHAW    Was that--? LEM    A twig.  We should be jest about there, if'n I reckon right.  [grunt]  Yep - it's cleared out over thataway. FANSHAW    That will make a delightful change. SOUND    CRUNCHING THROUGH BRUSH, THEN FEET ON DIRT FANSHAW    [low]  I say, look there, Lemuel. LEM    [low]  I see her.  [up, very deferential]  Ma'am?  Ma'am?  MARILEE    [gasps, taken completely by surprise] Oh! LEM    Ma'am, please, we don' mean no-- FANSHAW    --any-- LEM    --no harm.  Jest want to set and talk for a spell.  Are you Marilee Tarbox?  I was told I might find you hereabouts. MARILEE    [utterly bewildered] I-- I--  What are you doing here? FANSHAW    We've come to speak with you, my dear young lady, about the - ahem - altercation between the Tarbox family and the Drummonds. MARILEE    I'm afeared that'us all my doin'. LEM    That's why we come.  Can you bear to tell it? MARILEE    I'us s'posed to marry my removed cousin Abner Tarbox, but I’us took with love for Eb Drummond.  So young and fetchin-- FANSHAW    How utterly tragic! MARILEE    Ayep!  As t'was, I dint make it nowheres.  Never did get to church.  After-- well, Abner and all brought me back here, and here I's stayed.  FANSHAW    And of course, Abner couldn't marry you, after all that had happened-- MARILEE    [shocked]  That's crazy talk! LEM    Don' pay Fanshaw no mind.  He's furren.  They talk plumb crazy all the time. FANSHAW    Lemuel! LEM    Miss Marilee, so you's tellin' us that it was you harin' off that started up the feud? MARILEE    S'all I know about.  [ashamed]  O'course, no one much talks to me no more.  FANSHAW    That is most definitely their loss, miss Tarbox.  You are as lovely as a veritable posey in springtime. MARILEE    [smiling] Crazy but sweet, aincha just? MUSIC SOUND    MORE BUSHWHACKING FANSHAW    I don't see what more we need to know - Miss Marilee's abscondance was the root of the conflict. LEM    I jest don't see it.  It ain't -- drastic enough, to my mind. FANSHAW    Trust me, it takes very little to set Scottish blood afire, even at this far remove! SOUND    GUN SHOT FANSHAW    Was that--? LEM    Yup.  That one WAS.  Stay here. SOUND    DROP HEAVY BAG ON HARD GROUND LEM    [Calling]  I ain't yer enemy!  Whoever y'are, I ain't none o' this!  Jest want some palaver. JAKE    Ain't a Tarbox? LEM    Wouldn't even if'n I could. FANSHAW    [off] I'm not even going to try... LEM    [low] Hesh.  [up]  Can I come on?  You see my hands, a'right? JAKE    [beat]  All right.  Come on, then. LEM    [to Fanshaw] Keep shut.  I don't fancy getting' kilt here. FANSHAW     [off, fading]  Right-ho, Lem. SOUND    WADING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH JAKE    Who are you, then? LEM    Lemuel Roberts.  You can call me Lem. EB    [coming on, wheezy]  Looks like a Tarbox t'me. JAKE     Lem.  I'm Jake.  You holdin' iron? LEM    Left it yonder. JAKE    [grunt of acceptance]  So what you come fer? EB    He's scouting fer them.  LEM    How bout you'n'I set a spell?  JAKE    I reckon we cud do that.  Lord'a'mighty, put yer hands down - you look right silly. LEM    Thankee kindly.  [grunt as he sits]  EB    You cain't trust him, cain't trust none'o them! JAKE    Lemuel Roberts.  Seems like I heered that name somewheres. EB    He's the Deadeye Kid!  Just goes to show them Tarboxes are yeller enough to hire theyselves a gun! LEM    [grudgingly] Folks sometimes call me... the Deadeye Kid. JAKE    Thassit!  [suddenly suspicious]  Them Tarboxes, they pay y'all to come on up here? LEM    Nope.  [sighs]  I-- I don't rightly know why I'm gettin' inta the middle o' this-- EB    He's a low-down dirty liar!  Check and see if he got him a forked tongue.  LEM    Mister Drummond, I reckon the only folks I'm speakin' for here is the town.  They ast me to try and stop all this trouble, and here I am.  They jest ast me cuz I don't haveta live here, and I-- well, I guess I ain't a‑scared of much.  [slight snort] EB    You shud be!  My boy here can shoot the eye out a silver eagle at twenny paces! JAKE    [snort of disbelief] Y'all are gonna sort this here out?  Cain't think how you spect to do that.  This'us been goin' on for a donkey's years, and Hap ain't about to rein in none.  He's a curly wolf 'n no mistake.  Time and again, I tried to reach some kinder accord with him, but - well, I shore wooden be s'prised to find that boy was plumb rabid. EB    That whole family got polecat in it somewheres.  Ain't none of the menfolk right in the head. LEM    But you'ud set down if'n he did? JAKE    [blows out air, thinking, then doubtful]  I reckon I cud, but I cain't see my way to trustin' him, nohow.  He'd lie soon as look atcha. EB    Don't you go trustin' them Tarboxes, boy!  LEM    If I sort this out right, he shou'n't have nothin' left to be afired up about. JAKE    He was borned afired up.  Hmm... [beat]  Well, [slaps his thighs] Least I can be hospitable.  You a drinkin' man? LEM    I wouldn't say no to a snort. SOUND    CREAK OF LEATHER AS JAKE GETS UP JAKE    [going off] Be right back. SOUND    FEET ON GRAVEL WALK AWAY LEM    [waits a second, then] And you, sir?  EB    Me?  Eh?  No one lissens to me! LEM    Might you be Eb Drummond? EB    [sly]  I might.... but not to any Tarbox.  LEM    Marilee sends her love. EB    [flabbergasted]  Marilee?  How’d you know Marilee? LEM    Talked to her, jest as I'm talking to you now.  Figgered the boy wouldn't understand, so I waited to tell you. EB    She--  Is she--? LEM    I spect she's much as you remember her.  They never managed to get her hitched, if that's what you're worrying about. EB    Then ...what happened--? SOUND    FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL RETURNING JAKE    Make it myself.  Old granddad's receipt. EB    Boy does take after me. SOUND    CREAK AS JAKE SITS SOUND     BOTTLE TOP OFF, POUR INTO TIN CUP JAKE    Get yerself around that, then. LEM    [reacts - powerful, but not bad] JAKE    [chuckles] Kicks, eh? LEM    [coughing slightly] Like a cougar in a carrysack.  EB    Yep.  Bites and scratches all the way down. JAKE    [chuckles] EB    Boy!  Yes you. LEM    [very understated] Hmm? SOUND    OCCASIONAL SIPPING, POUR OF ANOTHER DRINK, THROUGHOUT THE FOLLOWING EB    [whispering throughout] Them Tarboxes, they said Marilee brought me a poke of gold coins, as a dowry-like-- JAKE    So you're fixin' to end the feud? LEM    Yep. EB    --and that's what started the intire mess.  When they - they ...found her-- JAKE    I'd be happier than a pig in swill if this was over.  EB    --the coins weren't nowhere.  She never had 'em! JAKE    I cud settle down. EB    You b'lieve me, dontcha? JAKE    Maybe raise me up some kids. LEM    Yep.  [slight change in emphasis]  Sounds mighty nice.  JAKE    It's Hap Tarbox won' letcha snap it off. LEM    Reckon I'll ask him hisself.  SOUND    CREAK AS HE GETS UP, DUSTS HIS SEAT LEM    Afternoon. JAKE    Here's luck. EB    If you happen across Marilee again, tell her I- I'll come for her. LEM    I'll carry that. MUSIC FANSHAW    Gold?  I was quite certain this all began with love. LEM    Gold moves jest as many mountains. FANSHAW    Yes, but you must consider - Love may very well vanish into thin air, but gold must have actually gone somewhere. LEM    Plenty o' folks, these parts, ‘d bury it.  No one'ud ever know. FANSHAW    Oh, come now.  A secret is only a secret if no one knows it.  Did he say how much gold? LEM    Spect he dint know.  Not likely they'd a given no reckonin' to them they's accusin' of rustlin’, no ways. FANSHAW    [sigh]  Sometimes I truly despair for your grammar. LEM    [smile]  My Grammar's dead.  Keeled over when I wasn't but a pup. FANSHAW    [sound of exasperation]. MUSIC AMBIANCE    TOWN SOUND    HOOVES - ONE HORSE SOUND    HORSE STOPS, CREAK OF A DISMOUNT SOUND    BOOTS ACROSS WOODEN PLANKING, KNOCK ON DOOR SHERIFF NELL    [off]  Come on in! FANSHAW    This Hap fellow isn't likely to be very cooperative, after his incarceration. LEM    Let me do the talkin'. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE FANSHAW    [muttered] As always... LEM    Sheriff?  Ma'am? SHERIFF NELL    Mr. Roberts.  Have you had any luck? LEM    A mite.  Can I jaw with your prisoner for a spell? SOUND    HEAVY LEATHER CARRYSACK BEING SET DOWN SHERIFF NELL    Hap?  Certainly.  Though I must warn you he's not very cooperative.  Right through here. SOUND    JINGLE OF BIG KEY RING SOUND    LADY'S FOOTSTEPS FOLLOWED BY SINGLE SET OF HEAVY BOOTS SOUND     LOCK UNLOCKS, DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE FANSHAW    [off, calling, slightly disgruntled] I'll just wait out here, shall I? LEM    [muttered] That's jest fine. SHERIFF NELL    Hmm? SOUND    FOOTSTEPS STOP, JINGLE OF KEYS AGAIN LEM    Ah'm startin’ to see what mighta caused all this.  SHERIFF NELL    How?  I've had Hap and Jake each at one time and another in lockup here, and neither one seems to know - or they simply won’t speak of it. LEM    Ah’m good at listenin' to them as no one else pays any mind to.  SHERIFF NELL    Whatever do you mean? LEM    [he said too much]  Um, old folks, crazy folks, injuns - them kinds.  SHERIFF NELL    [puzzled] Hmm. LEM    If'n it gets the job done, I reckon the path I take don't matter much? SHERIFF NELL    [sigh] Too true.  Well, see what sort of a path you can turn up in there - but I'm afraid you'll find it a rather crooked one. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, BOOTED FEET GO IN HAP    Wuzzat? SHERIFF NELL    Someone wishes to speak with you, Mr. Tarbox.  Please try and be civil. HAP    You can go to blazes, bezom. SHERIFF NELL    Such a fine upstanding character.  I want nothing further to do with him.  SOUND    BOOTS SLOW INTO ROOM.  DOOR SHUTS. HAP     You can go to blazes too, who’e’er y’be! LEM    Kinda dark in here, ain't it? HAP    It's the pokey, nit.  ABNER    Hey!  I clapped eyes on you afore this - on the road!  You said you wasn't involved!  LEM    I ain't involved in none of this, jest trying to help the Sheriff keep the peace.  Now, she says Hap - that's you, ain't it? - is one o' them making trouble. ABNER     It's them Drummonds!  They's the ones started it, stealin' our gold! HAP    This is all them Drummonds' fault!  We're jest tryin' to get back our own! LEM    I unnerstand that.  Now if'n I can nose out what y'all lost, get it back to you, would you agree to end this - make peace? ABNER    My own cousin was kilt fer that gold!  That varmint Eb Drummond tricked her into stealin’ it, then crevassed her once't he done got hold of it! HAP    [not convincing, too sly] I reckon I might could set down - long as Drummond does. ABNER    Her folks was took hard - losing both daughters in jest one season. HAP    Y'all come back when Drummond turns peacable, ya hear? LEM    [muttering]  Two daughters? HAP    What?  Wazzat? LEM    [disgusted noise, then strangely inflected]  I'll speak with you again soon, feller. HAP    Soon?  hah! MUSIC AMBIANCE    WESTERN TOWN STREET SOUND    ONE PAIR BOOTS ON WOOD OR HARDPACK, WALKING SLOWLY LEM    Didja see him? FANSHAW    Yes.  While you were in conference with Tarbox, I took a look around - [heavy sarcasm] as much as I can manage on my own. LEM    And? FANSHAW    Jake Drummond was certainly watching when we left the Sheriff's office.  What shall we do now?  LEM    I'm sore tempted to break Hap Tarbox out the pokey. FANSHAW     Surely you jest!  Lem, that would be madness! LEM    It'd be one way to end everythin'. FANSHAW    Do you mean--? LEM     You put two rabid dogs in one corral, you're bound to have at least one less dog. FANSHAW    But Jake... He seemed like a rather reasonable fellow. LEM     That's all at’s stoppin' me. SOUND    PAPER UNROLLS FANSHAW    What the devil is -- [confused] a wanted poster?  [very dry] You're holding it upside down. LEM    Don' matter-- SOUND    PAPER IS ROLLED UP LEM    --I jest took it.  Wanted sumpin' to make Jake wonder. MUSIC SOUND    BUSHWHACKING FANSHAW    I don't see why we had to come all the way back out here. You've already spoken with Marilee.  LEM    I reckon she might have more t'say about them two lost girls.  FANSHAW     Do you feel it's so important? LEM    Everthin's important - right up til you know what ain't.  This - well, I reckon its jest sumpin that got overlooked, and I cain't leave a loose rope to dangle. FANSHAW    Colorful.  Do you still hear Jake behind us? LEM    Reckon I do. SOUND    LEAVE THE BRUSH, BOOTS ON HARD PACK FANSHAW    Aha, the lady is expecting us. MARILEE    [coming on] Y'all came back! FANSHAW    Of course!  Simply to gaze upon you would brighten any man's day. MARILEE    [giggles] LEM    [disgusted] Now that the courtin's done with, you two want a hayloft somewheres? FANSHAW    I say! LEM    You say plenty.  Miss Marilee, we come back fer two reasons.  First, Tarbox said sumpin about two girls died the year the feud started-- MARILEE    My sister might could tell you more-- JAKE    [off]  What in tarnation is wrong with you, Kid? LEM    [calling back off to Jake] This'll only take a moment.  You might want to-- EB    [off] Marilee? MARILEE    [breathless] Eb? FANSHAW    Now I see your scheme!  You romantic fool, you! LEM    [calling] Jake, I need to apologize fer leadin' you all to hell and gone-- [BEHIND JAKE AND LEM, MARILEE AND EB EXCHANGE ENDEARMENTS - HE STARTS TO SOUND YOUNGER, LESS CROTCHETY] JAKE    I should say so!  What you want with in a place like this? [slightly weirded out - it is a graveyard]  They ain't nothin' here. LEM    I been thinkin' that mebbe the answer is here somewheres. JAKE    Here?  Buried?  Was that paper Tarbox gave you a map? LEM    No map.  See, two young ladies - were taken from their family, right about the start of all this, here.  I'm reasonable sure Marilee weren't the cause, so I have to ast myself, what about the other one? MARILEE    Jenfaire?  What do you know about her? LEM    Sheriff Nell says your sister left behind a child and a husband who weren't much more than a drunk and a troublemaker-- EB    That's a Tarbox all right.  Beggin’ your pardon, my dearest dove. MARILEE    He'us a beast.  He hurt her so bad when he got too much white lightnin inta him.  LEM    So I ast myself who would need the money more, if'n she were plannin' on lightin' out fer parts unknown - a newborned mama, or a girl gone to marry? JAKE    But Jenfaire Tarbox, she was Hap's Grandma. LEM    So Sheriff Nell said. JAKE    She never dint go nowheres. LEM    Not like she planned, no.  HAP    [off] Hold it right thar!  Hands up, both of you! LEM    Down! JAKE    No! SOUND    SCUFFLE, THEN GUNSHOTS [from off] WHICH PING OFF OF STONE. JAKE    I reckon there's one good thing about meetin in a place like this.  [grunt as he rolls up to shoot] SOUND    CLOSE GUN SHOT JAKE    Plenty o’ cover. LEM    Dammit, I'm trying to end this peaceable. JAKE    Go out there and tell that sidewinder, then.  I'll put up when he does. FANSHAW    Lem, he's behind a tree north-north east of here.  If you roll to the left, he won't have a clear shot. LEM    Right.  Jake, you stay put.  Gimme some cover, but don't waste yer lead. JAKE    [almost enjoying this] Oh, I got plenty. LEM    Just cover! SOUND    SCUFFLE AS LEM ROLLS AWAY.  A COUPLE QUICK GUN SHOTS FROM OFF, ONE FROM NEAR - THEY GO ON SPORADICALLY IN THE B/G LEM    Get Marilee over here.  I need Jenfaire.  FANSHAW    Right ho! LEM    [yelling] Abner?  Abner Tarbox! HAP    It's Hap, you chicken-brained dog-breath varmint! JAKE    [hissing]  Course, it's Hap!  Abner got hung last month over to Conners Gulch. LEM    [muttered] Dammit.  FANSHAW    Here is Marilee.  Shall go and I fetch Abner for you, as well? LEM    [sigh] Yeah.  If’n you please. MARILEE    Jenfaire don' wanna come.  She ain't fit for comp’ny. LEM    I ain't company, woman.  Think o' me as the law. EB    [sounding much younger] Yes, darlin’, lissen to the-- ABNER     [off, coming on] Let go of me - you city slickin' furriner!  EB    What the blazes! ABNER     [grunt of effort] Hah!  [shocked] Marilee! MARILEE    Abner! EB    Stay behind me, Marilee. SOUND    GUN SHOTS CONTINUE ABNER    You little mink, runnin' off on me. EB    You dint take no time a'tall to fetch you another bride, Abner Tarbox. ABNER    [sarcasm] Right.  I plumb fergot it were almost five years afore you finally hitched up with Ellie Dean. MARILEE    Oh! EB    I had to, darlin'-- LEM    I hate to break up this li'l tea party-- SOUND    GUNSHOT LEM     But if'n we don't sort things out right quick, your 'last remainin' will be joinin' you. JAKE    [off] You say sumpin, Lem? LEM    [calling] Talkin' to m'self.  [quieter, urgent] Get Jenfaire. MARILEE    [going off] I'll try... ABNER    [low]  Eb, Don't you never tell that purty little girl this, but I was jest as happy to see the back of her. EB    What? Why? ABNER    I's never sure but that we was a mite too close fer kissin, if’n you see where I's aimin'. EB    Oh! LEM    Sounds t'me like, if the gold's found, this whole thing can be done with. MARILEE    Jenfaire’s here.  Talk.  LEM    Jenfaire?  Where? FANSHAW    She prefers to stay out of sight, Lemuel, but she will answer. LEM    [Sigh]  I’ud rather look folks in the face, but-- Jenfaire Tarbox, wha'd you do with them gold coins? JENFAIRE    [distant, wispy, teary]  I-- I hid ‘em under the cowshed, in a leather poke.  I meant to go back and..., and git.  Just git away--  but the baby come early. LEM    I see. JENFAIRE    --and I-- I dint make it. LEM    Thank you ma'am, fer that.  You go on back now.  I'll try and turn this stampede. EB    Can I-- I can stay here, with Marilee, cain't I?  LEM     Reckon I don't know, but you can try.  [Up]  Hap!  I know where the gold is.  I'm standin' up, and if you shoot me, there ain't no one else alive can tell you where to find it. FANSHAW    Must you rub it in? SOUND    NOISE OF STANDING:  CREAK OF LEATHER, PULLING SELF UP ON HEADSTONE, ETC. HAP    [off, calling] Tell Jake to throw down his weapon. JAKE    Ain't gonna happen! HAP    Tell him-- LEM    Ain't gonna happen, Hap.  But Jake is gonna walk away, and you and I are gonna go on and get yer coins. JAKE    [whispered, still hunkered down] I ain't! LEM    Jest go. SOUND    [beat, then] JAKE STANDS, FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL MUSIC BUILDS     NOT A CHANGE SCENE, JUST A DRAMATIC MOMENT SOUND    CLICK OF HAMMER ON REVOLVER SOUND    GUNSHOT, SOMEWHAT IN SLOW-MO SOUND    SECOND GUNSHOT - GOES WILD, RICOCHET. JAKE    [yell of surprise] HAP    [off] Unggh!  [impact] FANSHAW    Oh, good shot. JAKE    [turning around/coming on] What in tarnation?! SOUND    BODY DROP, OFF HAP    [off, death rattle] LEM    [under his breath]  Damn. MUSIC SOUND    HIS AND HERS BOOTS ON WOODEN PLANKS SHERIFF NELL    So Mr. Roberts shot Hap? JAKE    The critter was fixin' to shoot me in the back!  He couldn't not do it.  [beat]  Ma’am. SHERIFF NELL    Did anyone else witness this? JAKE    Nope.  I'm plumb sorry miss, I mean sheriff, ma’am, but it was jest the three of us.  [beat]  And all them headstones. SOUND    BOOTS STOP. DOOR OPENS SLOWLY, WITH EFFORT SHERIFF NELL    Ungh - what is -- wrong --? JAKE    Let me help ya, miss.  Ungh -- SOUND    DOOR OPENS GRUDGINGLY, SOMETHING FABRIC IS BEHIND IT SOUND    MUFFLED CLINK SHERIFF NELL    A rotted old leather sack?  MUSIC SOUND    TWO HORSES HOOVES FANSHAW    You could have kept some. LEM    [down] Sheriff Nell there will see it gets put to good use - mebbe fer a church or a school or sumpin. FANSHAW    You did the right thing.  That town is free of a terrible burden. LEM    [down] My hands done it.  Dint give me no time to think twice. FANSHAW    If not for your interference, Lemuel, a good man - Jake - would be dead.  [beat] Try to think of it this way - you ended the feud with but a single shot.  LEM    [starting out of slump] Yeah, I reckon a single shot kin have some kind of power. FANSHAW    Yes. LEM    [kidding, sly] Like that shot heard round the world?  Jest over a hunnert years ago? FANSHAW    [huffy] Yes, well.  LEM    [chuckles a bit] MUSIC OUT CLOSER   NOTE:  Poem with the line shot heard round the world was written in 1837.

In a future where everyone must die at 65, or when they fail to be functioning parts of society, all that is left to choose is the method...

A poor but nerdy taxidermist is hired to mount the trophy of a lifetime.   Cast List Debra Meeks - Emmatrice Devan Curt - Cole Hornaday Dougie - George Dunn Da Boss - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Olsen - Femnomena Zalmoxis - Danar Hoverson Roderick - Julie Hoverson Music by Deied Theme music by Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:  Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Julie Hoverson [Taxidermy pics used with permission from Custom Creature Taxidermy Arts] "What kind of a place is it? Why, it's the street outside a taxidermist's workshop, can't you tell?" ************************************************************************   A STITCH IN TIME Cast: Olivia Debra Meeks, lonely taxidermist Curt Buchner, low-level thug Dougie Block, ranking thug William Buchner, high-level cultist Mrs. Olsen, next door with cats Zalmoxis, ancient god OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's the street outside a taxidermist's workshop, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND     INSIDE CAR NOISES (not driving), RAIN SOUND    RADIO TURNS OFF, MUSIC OUT CURT    [sincere]  Nice night. DOUGIE    Nice?  You like rain? CURT    [eager] Yeah.  Course, it's better when there's lightning too. DOUGIE    You wouldn't want to be in the car then - too much metal CURT    [eager] Oh, no, just the opposite - the tires would protect us.  Keep us from being grounded. DOUGIE    Right.  Whatever. CURT    [musing] Especially wouldn't want to be outside if you had a metal plate in your head. DOUGIE    A what?  [half a laugh] How many people do you actually know with a freaking metal plate in their head? CURT    Um...  [thinks] six. DOUGIE    Six?  you know six freaking people with --  Nah!  You're so full of shit your eyes are brown. CURT    Six.  Benny the geek, Mr. Jones, my gramps - got his in Okinawa, my uncle Lenny - in Nam, my niece Bevvy-- DOUGIE    Your niece?  She see action overseas too? CURT    Don't be silly, she's five.  Playground accident, but she's doing fine - her dad even shaved his head to match hers so she won't feel so self-conscious til her hair grows back to cover the scar. DOUGIE    So who's number six? CURT    Hmm? DOUGIE    That's five, who's six? CURT    Oh!  [chuckles] Me. DOUGIE    Great, runs in the family. CURT    Guess you could say that.  I-- DOUGIE    Oops.  Time to bring in the packages.  Don't want to be late - you know the boss. SOUND    GETTING OUT OF THE CAR DOUGIE    "D. Meeks, Taxidermy"  Hey - that's funny, "D. Meeks" CURT    Huh? DOUGIE    You know, D. Meeks'll inherit D Earth, and all that. [laughs] CURT    [missed it by a mile] Oh.  Um, I guess so. DOUGIE    [Exasperated noise] MUSIC DEBRA    [very uncomfortable, searching for excuses] Never done anything big - I mean, I did take a prize for mounting a bear, but it was a really really small brown. WILLIAM    ["mob boss"] I don't think you understand my... uh... position, dear lady.  I have come to you, not with a request, but a requirement. DEBRA    But why me? WILLIAM    I have seen your work, and know of the prizes you have taken, and believe you are the only one who can do the job I need done with the grace and skill I need it to be done with. SOUND    THUMPING AS SOMETHING BIG AND HEAVY IS DROPPED IN HALL.  THEN A TENTATIVE KNOCK AT THE DOOR WILLIAM    [sigh] Both of which are qualities sorely lacking these days.  [sigh] Raoul, let them in. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS DEBRA    What exactly do you need stuffed? WILLIAM    We will get to that in a moment, first-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS WILLIAM    --Ah, Curt, Dougie, so glad you could join us.  DEBRA    [quiet, to herself] That's funny, I once had a cat named Doogie.  No, that's wrong - I once stuffed a cat named Doogie. DOUGIE    [fawning]  Glad to help, Mr. Williams. SOUND    DOOR CLOSES WILLIAM    The young lady here is Debra Meeks - a true artiste.  I believe you have something for her, Dougie? DEBRA    [quiet, to herself] Doogie mouser. DOUGIE    Right here, Mr. Williams. CURT    [Snickers, getting her joke] SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, BRIEFCASE SET ON BENCH, LATCHES SNAP, CASE OPENS DEBRA    Holy crow!  Is that--? WILLIAM    Two-hundred, fifty thousand dollars.  Which, coincidentally, is just about twice your total debts, what with the failing business and the house and all - rounded up, of course, since no one likes small change... DEBRA    And I just have to do the one job? WILLIAM    Just one.  But I must have your absolute assurance and agreement before I can show you the subject in question. DEBRA    [thinking, muttering]  I could really-- SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY DEBRA    --really use that, wouldn't have to do any more crummy data entry-- WILLIAMS    The offer expires in 30 seconds, my dear young lady.  Please think quickly. DEBRA    [muttered]  Hang gliding, jello body rub, Trip to Mall of America, scatter dad properly... WILLIAMS    Five.  Four.  Three. DEBRA    All right.  Whatever you want. WILLIAMS    I do require absolute discretion.  Can you guarantee that?  DEBRA    Ye-es.  Yes.  WILLIAMS    Good.  Why don't you boys bring in the other package. DOUGIE    Gotcha.  Sir. SOUND    DOOR OPENS AGAIN, HEAVY ITEM ROLLED IN DEBRA    [gasp] MUSIC DEBRA    [hyperventilating into a paper bag] CURT    Come on, it ain't that bad. DEBRA    But -- [gasp, goes back into bag] CURT    You musta seen all kinds of dead things before. SOUND    BAG SNATCHED AWAY, SQUEAKY TOY STARTS UP DEBRA    Not a person!  CURT    Just think of it as a really big ... badger or something. WILLIAMS    [off, sweet] Are you ready to hear the rest of your commission, Miss Meeks?  [harder] Curt? CURT    [calling over shoulder]  Just about.  [back to her] Come on.  DEBRA    Badger.  Right.  [deep breath]  A big, [gasp] bald, [breath] badger.  [bad accent] We don't need no steenkin'-- CURT    [low] You might want to stop with the squeaking.  I think it's getting on the boss's nerves. DEBRA    The..?  SOUND    SLOW LET GO OF THE SQUEAK DEBRA    Oh.  It helps with stress. CURT    Yours, maybe - but his...?  Ya know. DEBRA    Um-hmm. SOUND    SQUEAKY OUT WILLIAMS    So glad you could rejoin us.  I apologize for the shock this must be, but you see now why I was forced to extract your agreement before I could show you the subject? DEBRA    Uh-huh. SOUND    SLOW SQUEAK, IN-OUT MUSIC DEBRA    [irritated, "move out of my way"] Excuse me. DOUGIE    [snort] DEBRA    Can you bring ... that ...on in here?  I have to... well, I have to see what needs to be done. DOUGIE    It's not as heavy as it looks.  Get it yourself.  I'm just supposed to keep an eye on you.  Make sure you don't phone no one or louse this up. DEBRA    Your boss said you were supposed to make sure I got it done right. DOUGIE    Yeah, well, who's stopping you? DEBRA    [loud sigh/growl of exasperation] SOUND    ANGRY FOOTSTEPS, TRYING TO MOVE A HEAVY OBJECT [COFFIN] ON WHEELS, BUT BANGING INTO WALLS DEBRA    This is a two person job! DOUGIE    I ain't in the mortician's union. DEBRA    Fine. SOUND    COFFIN LID RAISES, SLAMS INTO WALL DEBRA    It would be the feet end.  [sigh]  Ok -- ew! SOUND    SCUFFLE OF FABRIC, SQUEAKY TOY GOES A MILE A MINUTE DOUGIE    Leave off, already! DEBRA    He's still warm!  Ew! MUSIC     SOMBER, FUNEREAL SOUNDS    THROUGHOUT, ODD PLOPS AND DRIPS, CUTTING NOISES CURT    So if you've won all these awards, how come you're broke? DEBRA    Not much call for taxidermy, these days - PETA, all that.  We fly a little under the radar, since fur coats are a bigger splash in the news, but we take our share of flack. SOUND    HEAVY PLOP CURT    So why do it?  DEBRA    I'm good at it.  You don't stop doing something you're good at just cause no one cares, do ya? CURT    But what if what you're good at doesn't ... well... get you anywhere? SOUND    ALL AMBIANCE STOPS, EXCEPT DRIPPING NOISES DEBRA    [wipes face with back of sleeve] Like what? CURT    I ran track.  A lot.  But what does that do for you, unless you want to be a fugitive on Cops? DEBRA    [giggles] CURT    Why're you taking off your glasses? DEBRA    Just trying to picture you with your face all blurred out. SOUND    CUTTING AND NOISES BEGIN AGAIN, A MOMENT OF JUST THIS, THEN: DEBRA    How'd you go from track to - um - CURT    Wiseguy? DEBRA    Is that what it's called? CURT    Good enough.  [shrugs] Mister Williams is my uncle.  It ain't a bad job.  [beat]  What got you into this?  This dead animal stuff? DEBRA    Promise you won't laugh? SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY CURT    Sure. DEBRA    No really, promise. CURT    I promise. DEBRA    I was about seven.  It was a - bad time.  My folks were using me as the tug in a divorce tug-o-war, so I took apart my teddy bear, to see what made him squeak.  I very carefully picked out the stitches and pulled this out‑‑ SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY CURT    Your keychain? DEBRA    No, I put it on there years later.  CURT    Most kids, when they operate on a toy, decide to become doctors.  [shrug]  Or serial killers. DEBRA    Yeah, but I restuffed and sewed him back up again.  Over and over again.  I kept sewing different things into him, too.  Trying to see how much I could hide in there. SOUND    BIG PLOP DEBRA    Uhhh.  Hand me the hose? MUSIC AMBIANCE    SCRAPING SOUNDS DEBRA    I had to choose between maintaining the carcass or the skin.  Your boss indicated he needed the skin as intact as possible-- SOUND    MAGAZINE PAGE TURNS DOUGIE    Whatever.  You know, I ain't actually listening to you.  DEBRA    --So I won't be able to make a mold from the original carcass, since I'm having to sacrifice the smaller bits, like fingers-- What? DOUGIE    I'm not listening. DEBRA    Why not?  You could learn something. DOUGIE    I could also lose my lunch.  [sigh] SOUND    MAGAZINE SLAPPED DOWN DOUGIE    How does a moderately cute dame like you end up elbow deep in guts on a daily basis? DEBRA    I-- I don't know.  SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY A COUPLE OF TIMES DOUGIE    You almost done here?  The boss is supposed to be back with your next set of instructions this evening. DEBRA    Just the hardest bits are left - you know - very delicate, paper thin skin, lots of crenellations.  I wonder if I could just cut 'em off, hollow 'em out, and rebuild 'em later? DOUGIE    [very creeped]  Ohhhhh.  Now I'm really not listening.  Urp. SOUND    RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR DEBRA    What's he got against ears? MUSIC WILLIAMS    And the progress? DEBRA    I got the hide off, but it’s not all in one piece - humans just don't come apart that easily.  Our... skin... is really ...um.... too thin.  I can stitch it back together, but there's also no pelt to cover up the stitches-- WILLIAMS    The stitches will be fine.  And I've brought you the stuffing materials-- DEBRA    Mounting.  We prefer "mounting".   Anyway, really what I need next is a drum of grease cutter - mild dishwashing liquid'll do - don't want anything too harsh that'll dry out the-- WILLIAMS    Dougie will get it for you.  [an order] Won't you Dougie?  For now, I have brought you your mounting materials.  You understand that it is very important to use what I brought and only what I brought.  I even have special thread for you to use for stitching it all up again. DEBRA    But I - I need a framework - heavy sculpted foam works just fine, [slowing a bit] though I can't exactly order off the rack for-- WILLIAMS    You may have noticed this project is ... unique.  SOUND    RUSTLE OF A LARGE SHEAF OF PAPERS WILLIAMS     I have very specific requirements as to how you are to proceed. SOUND    KNOCK AT THE DOOR WILLIAMS    What is that?  You were supposed to-- SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY GOES LIKE CRAZY DEBRA    I'll tell them to go away. DOUGIE    [menacing] If you don't I will. MRS. OLSEN    [muffled] Debbie?  Dear?  It's time! DEBRA    Oh, jeez.  WILLIAMS    What? DEBRA    My landlady Mrs. Olsen - we have this standing agreement that whenever one of her cats dies, She brings it on in. MRS. OLSEN    Debbie?  I know you're in there! DEBRA    I'll go get Roderick and put him on ice until I'm done with [swallows nervously] your project.  WILLIAMS    Won't she notice if it takes longer than usual?  DEBRA    Nah.  She's pretty gone - up there.  I'll just keep telling her she only brought him in yesterday... SOUND    DOOR UNLOCKS DEBRA    Psst.  Don't let her see you. DOUGIE    Hmph. SOUND    DOOR OPENS MRS. OLSEN    Oh, there you are, Debbie.  Did I catch you in the crapper?  I'm so sorry, but poor Mr. Roderick's time has come. DEBRA    I'm so very sorry. MRS. OLSEN    That's all right.  He's in a better place.  Cream and honey.  Cream and honey.  Here's his poor little body.  You always do such a good job for me, Debbie. DEBRA    I know. Yeah.  I'll bring him back to you when he's ready to rejoin the family. MRS. OLSEN    So kind.  Now I must get home - Roderick's about to have kittens! SOUND    DOOR SHUTS DOUGIE    I thought ... Roderick was dead.  DEBRA    She names all her cats Roderick.  Saves on changing the names on the bowls. DOUGIE    How many have you--? DEBRA    Thirty four. DOUGIE    How many does she--? DEBRA    Depends on how big a litter Roderick has. MUSIC WILLIAMS    So, now you have these big bags of--  Dougie? DOUGIE    Yeah?  Uh, here, boss. SOUND    HEAVY BAG DUMPED ON FLOOR, CRUNCHES WILLIAMS    We'll just call them Tana leaves.  Got it?  They must fill up the bulk of the body.  SOUND    BAG BEING POKED DEBRA    They're kind of pokey.  Might tear the ... hide.  Can I grind them?  WILLIAMS    Hmm.  I don't see why not - but let me get back to you on that before you go off and do something unfortunate.  DEBRA    Ok.  Um... SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY WILLIAMS    [waits a second, then]  Yeah?  Speak up? DEBRA    I only ask, because it does affect how I do my job, ok? WILLIAMS    Only ask what? DEBRA    Is this - the whole thing - something that needs to...um....last?  Is it going to be moved around a lot? WILLIAMS    Let's say - yes. DEBRA    And you really sure you don't want a central framework?  Not even wire reinforcement? WILLIAMS    That's what I said. DEBRA    I need to reinforce the hide somehow or those leaves will rub the crap out of it.  CURT    The skin can tear real easy. DEBRA    Yeah. WILLIAMS    I'll check on that.  You got stuff to do until I get back to you, right?  Good. MUSIC SOUND    SOMETHING LARGE PULLED OUT OF WATER.  DRIPPING CURT    What's all that? DEBRA    Once all the fat's sloughed, you have to cure the hide.  Stop it from rotting.  Attracting insects.  You know. CURT    [shudder] Bugs, man.  I hate 'em. DEBRA    Why?  They're... Well, they're kind of everywhere. CURT    That's part of the problem - no matter what you do, they're there.  They don't keep out, and they don't go away. DEBRA    That's why hating them is so - pointless. CURT    Mostly they just creep me out. DEBRA    Let me guess.  Did you grow up with cockroaches? CURT    Palmetto bugs.  Huge freaking whistling cockroaches. DEBRA    I lived with cockroaches for a while. [almost a chuckle] CURT    You think they're funny? DEBRA    Only when you spray them with non-stick oven spray by mistake. CURT    Why? DEBRA    They go sliding down the wall, little legs pumping - ee-eh ee-eh ee-eh.  They get completely freaked out. CURT    [half teasing] Now you creep me out some too. DEBRA    [pleased snicker] MUSIC SOUND    PHONE RINGS DOUGIE    [around a mouthful] Figures.  [quickly swallows] DEBRA    Shouldn't you get that? DOUGIE    Tell me somethin I don't know.  [one last gulp] SOUND    PHONE PICKED UP DOUGIE    Yeah?  Right.  Fer you. DEBRA    Ok.  [really hesitant] Hello? SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY - one squeak WILLIAMS    [phone] I got an answer for you.  On the leaves. DEBRA    Uh huh? WILLIAMS    [phone] No grinding.  Apparently that's out.  You can cut them up some.  I'll show you.  I'm also bringing some other things you can use for packing. DEBRA    Oh.  Good. WILLIAMS    [phone] We don't want him walking around like a big old teabag, eh? DEBRA    [trying to keep it in, but it comes out a whisper] Walking? SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY WILLIAMS    [phone] Uh.  Figure of speech. DEBRA    Goodbye.  [gulps] SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY, SLOW RELEASE MUSIC SOUND    THREAD BEING SNIPPED DEBRA    There.  That's nice.  That thread hardly shows, doesn't it? DOUGIE    [off] You talking to the dead guy again? DEBRA    [covering] No. SOUND    PACKING DOUGIE    [off] Oh, hell, no.  What's this bag next to my lunch? DEBRA    Roderick. DOUGIE    A dead cat?  That ain't hygienic! DEBRA    Technically your lunch is in HIS cooler. DOUGIE    Yeah, like he's gonna be the one to object. DEBRA    [to body]  No more than you will, Bob. SOUND    PATS CORPSE, SLIGHT RUSTLE OF LEAVES MUSIC SOUND    COMPUTER KEYS TAPPING DEBRA    Tana Leaves.  One N or two...?  Hmm...! WILLIAMS    [off] Find her. DOUGIE    Hey chickie? SOUND    HASTY KEYSTROKES DEBRA    Just a sec! DOUGIE    What are you doing?  [annoyed, yelling back] She's on the computer, boss! WILLIAMS    [coming in, tsks] What did I say about that? DEBRA    You - well, you didn't say anything...  You said not to contact anyone, and I didn't - wasn't.  I was looking up ... delicate stitching techniques for very thin hides.  Remember, I haven't done this before. WILLIAMS    Hmm. DEBRA    I wouldn’t have said anything to anyone.  After all, I promised. WILLIAMS    You need to look anything else up, you ask Dougie for your laptop.  [commanding] Dougie? SOUND    LAPTOP SLAPPED SHUT MUSIC SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY THROUGHOUT TO PUNCTUATE DEBRA    I'm worried about .... well, what this is all FOR.  CURT    Maybe it's not that bad.  Like the Aztecs. DEBRA    The Aztecs?  But they were...  pretty bad. CURT    No, no they weren't.  Not to them.  I mean, we all think "ooh, human sacrifice" and "man I wouldn't want my heart ripped out" right? DEBRA    Usually. CURT    But we don't realize that was the way they believed.  They figured without constant sacrifice, the world'd actually end.  They had to feed a bunch of hungry, thirsty gods, who had a really big human jones. DEBRA    [slight snicker]  CURT    For the victims, it was like winning American Idol - you got to be famous for a day.  DEBRA    Um.  [deep breath]  But didn't it hurt? CURT    Oh, yeah.  But they were all kinda masochistic back then.  Hurt yourself to prove how tough you are and stuff.  They'd even pierce their tongues and run cords covered in thorns up and down through the hole. DEBRA    On the victims? CURT    No - the bigwigs did it to themselves.  DEBRA    Ugh.  But this.... CURT    Look, I'll see what I can hear - without asking too many questions, you know?  [teasing] I don't want my heart ripped out. MUSIC DEBRA    [whispering] Oh, Roderick.  I'm so sorry about this.  But I have to see... SOUND    STUFFING LEAVES DEBRA    And a little of this... SOUND    GRIT BEING SCOOPED DEBRA    And a few stitches.....  There.  And we wait.  What's the worst that could happen, eh? SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY MUSIC CURT    I got a metal plate in my head. DEBRA    [interested] Oh?  Where? CURT    About here.  You can see the scar if you want. DEBRA    I've never seen a metal plate - I mean, animals don't usually get them, and I've always mounted animals.  I mean, not that I'd want to mount you, just that it would be kinda different-- [shocked] oh! CURT    No, no - I understand.  I didn't think you'd want to, uh, mount me. SOUND    SQUEAKY SQUEAKY DEBRA    I mean, I'm sure you're very nice and all.... CURT    I'm nicer up and walking than with a stick up my butt - or at least that's what my mother always says. DEBRA    Oh.  Yeah.  [nervous laugh, then double take] She says--? CURT    No.  Just wanted to see you laugh. DEBRA    [laughs]  Where's Dougie, anyway? CURT    He ain't feeling so well - he says. DEBRA    Figures.  CURT    Are you getting close to done? DEBRA    Kinda.  It takes a lot of work, especially sewing the fingers and stuff back together. SOUND    AWKWARD SILENCE CURT    I-I hope I didn't gross you out with the whole Aztec thing.  I just figured that--  well, being in your profession, you might-- DEBRA    Have a strong stomach? CURT    No.  Well, I mean, yes.  Yes, but.  But I figured that maybe you would be the kind of person who could take a step back and look - I mean, there are a lot of people out there who don't understand what you do and why you do it and why you love it, right? DEBRA    Yeah, but I don’t kill anyone.  Any thing. CURT    I'm just comparing the misunderstanding.  To themselves, they were just doing what they had to do.  They probably thought "hey, those Mayans, they're some crazy freaks!"  DEBRA    Or "wow, those Incas - you wouldn't believe what they're up to!" CURT    See?  You got it. DEBRA    Yeah.  Ok. CURT    So, there was really a point before I wandered a bit.  What got me all started here was that this has something in common with the Aztecs. DEBRA    It does? CURT    Well, yeah - they had this one god, and this is a really good example of misunderstanding - named Xipe Totec [zhippy toe-tec] who they called the flayed one-- CURT    --cuz each year the sacrifice was flayed and the skin preserved for the priests to wear for the upcoming year.  See, now, to us that's disgusting, but to them it symbolized life, fertility, and the changing of the seasons.  Cuz each year, like a seed sheds its pod, the priest would eventually shed the long-dead skin and be a new man. DEBRA    [uncertain] I guess I can see that. CURT    'Course, the victim was probably flayed alive, so-- DEBRA    ew! SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY SOUND    SCRABBLING NOISE CURT    [casual] What's that? DEBRA    [trying to sound casual] Don't... know.  SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY GOING A MILE A MINUTE CURT    It's coming from the bathroom. DEBRA    I'll look! CURT    No let me. DEBRA    I - I guess. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, RUNNING CAT FEET CURT AND DEBRA    [both gasp] CURT    Just a freaking cat. DEBRA    [completely freaked out] Yes.  Must be one of the Rodericks. CURT    Jeez.  [calming her] It's OK.  He musta come in through the window or something. DEBRA    [barely a whisper] Something. MUSIC DEBRA    Keep an eye out - there was a cat in here yesterday.  It was pretty freaky. DOUGIE    Hey, at least it ain't some damn dead thing.  DEBRA    [shudder] Yeah. DOUGIE    You don't like animals? DEBRA    Live ones are too messy.  Eating and pooping.  Dead ones are much more manageable. DOUGIE    It's kinda cruel, though ain't it? DEBRA    Why?  They're dead.  It's just whether they end up cute forever, or rotting in a ditch somewhere.  CURT     Like all those people who say we shouldn't eat meat - sure, just let all the cows go.  They won't survive on their own. DOUGIE    Do you have a point? CURT    So is it more cruel to put them out to starve?  Do those people expect farmers to feed the cows and NOT sell them?  Doesn't anyone ever think of the hardship to the farmers? DEBRA    I don't eat meat. CURT    Oh, sorry. DOUGIE    Figures.  You make no damn sense, lady. DEBRA    Oh, it's not a moral issue.  Just that it clogs me up real bad.  [beat] That's too much information, isn't it?  CURT    Um... DOUGIE    I'm not listening! DEBRA    Still surprised that I prefer dead animals to live people? MUSIC SOUND    PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP CURT    [into phone]  Yeah?  [up] Debra? DEBRA    [takes phone] Yes? WILLIAMS    You must be finished by tonight.  I will arrive at seven with the final component.  Be ready to make the final insertion. DEBRA    Where? WILLIAMS    [exasperated]  At your shop, there. DEBRA    No, I meant where does it go?  I need to finish sewing everything else up, if you're looking to ... take it home tonight. WILLIAMS    Oh, right.  Hmm.  Leave a spot for the heart. DEBRA    Ohhhh. MUSIC CURT    Do you think that's what the boss is up to?  Something like Xipe Totec? DEBRA    Hmm.  I'd say no.  A lot of the herbs and stuff on the stuffing list are old world, not Central American at all.  CURT    Point.  So you rule out my pals the Aztecs.  DEBRA    How'd you know so much about them anyway?  [kindly] Apart from being a complete freak? CURT    [chuckles ruefully] Eighth grade history project.  I was a crap student, but this one time I shoulda got an A - I did drawings and wrote a lot of stuff - I think I grossed out the teacher, so she only gave me a B minus. DEBRA    That's not fair. CURT    Yeah.  I mean, she raised rabbits. [they both think on that for a moment] CURT    I didn't just remember all of it, though - I'm not that much of a geek.  I googled it again last night.  Refreshed my memory. DEBRA    [somewhat relieved] Oh!  [beat, then quiet] did you kill this guy? CURT    Me? No.  I smack people sometimes if uncle needs it done, but I don't whack anyone.  Kinda too bad, since the money's real good, but I don't got "the cold" that bad, you know? DEBRA    [kindly] You're too sympathetic. CURT    [rueful] You say that like it's a good thing. SOUND    A COUPLE OF SQUEAKS, THEN A DELIBERATE STOP DEBRA    [calm, even] They're going to kill me. CURT    What?  No o'course not - why would they have paid you, then? DEBRA    Any way I look at it, they HAVE to kill me. SOUND    STRANGLED SQUEAK CURT    [fierce] I won't let 'em.  [reasonable] No reason to, anyway - you'll keep your mouth shut, right? DEBRA    [resigned] Yeah. SOUND    SOME STUFFING CURT    Oh, hey, I almost forgot - the boss mentioned a name. DEBRA    Name? CURT    I think it's what he's doing - what the whole point of this is. DEBRA    Oh.  [very dry sarcasm] That helps a lot. CURT    Zalmoxis.  DEBRA    Gesundheit. CURT    No, no.  I looked it up.  And it took a while, too, trying to figure out how to spell the damn thing.  It was some old Thracian god.  He had something to do with that triangle guy-- DEBRA    Who?  Isosceles? CURT    No.  [uncertain]  I'm pretty sure that wasn't it.  Anyway, this guy got made into a god somehow and promised immortality of the soul.  And, get this - the name "Zalmoxis" comes from the Thracian word for "hide".  DEBRA    Hide, like skin, not like "and seek"? CURT    Yup. DEBRA    But what does that all mean?  I mean-- CURT    What I heard the boss say-- DEBRA    Yeah? CURT    He said "when Zalmoxis arrives." DEBRA    Oh.  [gulp] SOUND    SQUEAK MUSIC SOUND    KNOCK ON THE DOOR DEBRA    [surprised shriek] SOUND    SQUEAK CURT    Don't worry.  Everything's gonna be cool. SOUND    HIS STEPS, DOOR OPENS CURT    Sir. SOUND    WILLIAMS AND DOUGIE ENTER WILLIAMS    [way too excited] This is the moment. DOUGIE    Boss, um, you said-- WILLIAMS    Yeah, we got [checks] eight minutes.  I was being dramatic.  This is a very dramatic moment, Dougie. DOUGIE    Sorry boss. WILLIAMS    The vessel is prepared? DEBRA    The--?  Oh, yes.  All ready. SOUND    A SLIGHT SQUEAK WILLIAMS    Very nice.  [impressed] Good stitching.  DEBRA    [trying to sound happy] Thanks. WILLIAMS    So the time is nigh. CURT    Uncle?  Got a moment?  Can I ask you something?  Like in private?  WILLIAMS    One moment, yes.  CURT    [low, confidential]  You're not gonna have this poor chick whacked, are you? WILLIAMS    [not sincere] Whatever gave you that idea? CURT    Look, she's a nice lady.  She's no danger to you - um, us. WILLIAMS    After tonight, no one's a danger to me.  CURT    What's that mean? WILLIAMS    [chuckles] SOUND    CHUMMY SLAP ON THE BACK CURT    But--? WILLIAMS    [up, dramatic] And now for the final key to unlock eternity! DEBRA    [uncertain] Um, ok. WILLIAMS    Hold out your hands. DEBRA    [almost shaking with fear] Um, ok. SOUND    SOMETHING LARGE PULLED FROM A POCKET DEBRA    That’s - whoa - heavy. WILLIAMS    The heart of Zalmoxis.  Once it is sealed in his chest, at the right moment, he will rise! DEBRA    Now? WILLIAMS    No.  152 seconds left. DEBRA    Right.  Can I put it down? SOUND    GUN DRAWN AND COCKED DEBRA    [gasps]  What? WILLIAMS    Let's just call this insurance against you - [pointed] or anyone - trying to stop me this close to my goal! DEBRA    Uhhhh.  What's... going to happen? WILLIAMS    [matter of fact] Zalmoxis will rise and take over the world, and I, being the one who brought him here, will be rewarded with power and glory. DEBRA    Oh, Ok.  Just say when.      MOMENT OF SILENCE WILLIAMS    Put it in - I'm watching you!  And then start stitching. DEBRA    Can someone hold the hole open?  This takes both hands. CURT    Got it. SOUND    MOVEMENT NOISES AS THE HEART IS INSERTED SOUND    CAT SCREECH WILLIAMS    What the--? SOUND    GUNSHOT, CAT SCREECH DEBRA    Oh no! CURT    Here! DEBRA    Jeez, I almost dropped it! WILLIAMS    Damn cat.  You done? DEBRA    Just a few stitches.  WILLIAMS    You do that, I'll start the ceremony.  [begins creepy chanting in the background] CURT    I told him you're ok.  He don't need to kill you. DEBRA    Thanks.  Can you put your finger, there? CURT    Oh, sure. DEBRA    Good. SOUND    SNIPS DEBRA    Done. WILLIAMS    Excellent!  Rise! SOUND    RUSTLING NOISE DEBRA    Oh, jeez!  It moved! WILLIAMS     He moved.  Master! DEBRA    Um, Curt, is it--? CURT    Yeah.  Yeah, it is. SOUND    ONE HEAVY FOOT ON GROUND, THEN A SECOND WILLIAMS    Master, is the vessel acceptable?  It was made to all your specifications! ZALMOXIS    The vessel is [choking noise] WILLIAMS    What? ZALMOXIS    The vessel is-- SOUND    SQUEAK, BUT DEEP AND SPOOKY LIKE HIS VOICE WILLIAMS    What's that? CURT    You didn't--? SOUND    KEY RING JINGLES DEBRA    Uh, yeah. SOUND    DEEP SQUEAK ZALMOXIS    No!  Flawed!  You must die! WILLIAMS    Master!  [choking noises] DOUGIE    Boss? CURT    [whispered] We should go. DEBRA    Ya think? SOUND    SCURRYING OUT, SNATCHING UP A CASE ON THE WAY [the argument recede as they leave] WILLIAMS    [choking] Get this thing off me! DOUGIE    Come on! SOUND    SLAM, DEEP SQUEAK DOUGIE    [gurgle as he smacks into wall] SOUND    DOOR SHUTS, OUTSIDE NOISES DEBRA    [breathless] Did wikipedia have anything to say about if the vessel was flawed? CURT    Uh, no.  go on! DEBRA    But you? CURT    Meet you on the corner. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, SOUND OF COMMOTION MUSIC DEBRA    {making squeaking noises} SOUND    EXPLOSION DEBRA    Holy crow!  [gasp, musing] There's a lot of flammable stuff in taxidermy.  CURT    Nervous? DEBRA    [startled noise!] CURT    Track came in handy after all.  [chuckles, then serious] I figured we shouldn't let it loose... DEBRA    [worried] My ...house? CURT    I'm thinking the dough-- SOUND    PATS BRIEFCASE CURT    Is enough to start a new life on? DEBRA    [interested]  Or ...two? CURT    [pleased] Yeah. SOUND    CAT MROW! CLOSER  

A town with a strange secret, ripe for the picking by three petty criminals.  Sounds a bit too easy, doesn't it?     Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Claude - Shawn Connor Lenny - Cole Hornaday Charlie - Risa Torres Host - Bob Noble Bank Teller - Beverly Poole Little Girl - Krystal Baker Waitress - Angela Kirby Music by  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a cheap fleabag motel, can't you tell?" ******************************************** AN HOUR TO KILL Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Claude, a thug Lenny, a dumber thug Charlie, Claude's greedy wife Host Bank Teller Little Girl Waitress OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a fleabag motel in the early 50s, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND     DRIPPING OF BAD SINK, DISTANT RADIO TALKING LENNY    [hushed, excited] I tell you, Claude, it's a done deal!  It was Artie told me, and-- CLAUDE    [resigned] And Artie's never wrong.  Yeah, I know.  [up]  Whatchoo think, Charlie? CHARLIE    Zip it.  I'm listening. CLAUDE    To what? CHARLIE    Whoever's next door has a radio, [barbed] unlike some, and they got the stories on.  If youse two mugs can keep yer traps shut, I can just barely make out what happens to be transpiring. LENNY    [quiet]  It's just over the hill, Claude.  Hop skip and a jump. CLAUDE    [quiet]  Good thing, too, Lenny.  That car we nabbed ain't good for much but skipping. LENNY    [quiet]  And jumping. CLAUDE    [chuckles halfhaertedly]  So Artie said this town was ripe for the picking?  LENNY    Yeah, he said it was real weird, but-- CHARLIE    [upset] No!  What is wrong with this world? CLAUDE    [flat, uninterested] I don't know, what's wrong with it? CHARLIE    Them on the other side, they turned it off!!  And just when Cynthia was about to reveal the name of the guy who ran off and left her with two kids, then changed hs name and married someone else. LENNY    What a bum! CLAUDE    [undertone] Don't encourage her.  [up] Can we talk normal now? CHARLIE    Makes no nevermind now. CLAUDE    Apparently Artie told Lenny something in stir last week. LENNY    And Artie's never wrong! CHARLIE    [hard sarcasm] If he ain't never wrong, why's he in the joint? CLAUDE    [snorts] LENNY    That ain't the point.  He found the perfect score. CHARLIE    And he told you about it? CLAUDE    Yeah, that does seem a little cuckoo.  Artie never did like you much. LENNY    But he still likes Cherlie there just fine.  I think he told me cuz he knows I'd tell you, and that would help her get some of the nice things she deserves. CHARLIE    [cutesy]  Really?  That big a score, then?  Artie might have something going for him after all.  Maybe I shoulda married him. CLAUDE    You said you didn't like monkeys. CHARLIE    I was joking.  Just cuz he's kinda short and shriveled and stuff don't mean he might not make a good husband.  Ugly guys don't run off so often. LENNY    Nobody wants 'em. CHARLIE    You would know. CLAUDE    [long suffering sigh] Let's get back to the job? LENNY    It's this town, see?  He says the whole town is like loopy, cuz one day a year, for an hour in the middle of the day, the entire town [slow, with import] just falls asleep. CLAUDE    [snort]  You're loopy.  Artie's throwing you a knuckle ball, knucklehead. LENNY    No, he was serious - I could see it in his face. CLAUDE    The whole town?  LENNY    Yeah! CLAUDE    And how does Artie know this? LENNY    He says he was there.  Couple years back, said he was hiding out and saw it happen, so he went back again the next year to see, and it happened again. CLAUDE    Why ain't he in there robbing the place? LENNY    Says he meant to, this year, but he's gonna be sporting stripes for a nickle. [5 years] CLAUDE    It makes no damn sense!  Why would everybody fall asleep? CHARLIE    Maybe it's something in the water.  Or get this-- [ramping up]  Maybe it's a curse or something, like in that episode of One Step Too Far!! CLAUDE    You've gone one step too far if you're gonna believe Artie and this idiot.  [to Lenny] Nuttin' personal, Lenny. LENNY    Gotcha. CHARLIE    What can it hurt?  If it's so darn close, why don't we drive over there and see?  We can be ready, and if this "see-ester" [siesta] thing happens, then we take advantage.  If not... what’s it gonna hurt? CLAUDE    What day's it supposed to be, Len? LENNY    Tomorrow.  Or I should say the longest day of the year, since that's what it is - tomorrow is, I mean, but Charlie, you can't come! CHARLIE    And why pray tell not, ya big goon? LENNY    Artie only told me on account of I promised I'd see to it that you don't go.  I think he wants you to come and visit him instead. CLAUDE    That's crazy talk.  But you shouldn't come, babe.  You'll just get in the way. CHARLIE    [incensed] I'll just WHAT?  CLAUDE    I mean-- there might be guns.  I wouldn't want you getting shot or nothing. CHARLIE    They gotta be pretty talented in this town to shoot ...in their sleep!  Besides, you need someone along who can actually tell time, if all you got is just one hour!  [fades out]  And if this is supposed to be tomorrow, since I have it on good authority - meaning the morning news - that tomorrow is the longest day of the year - then we had better get our sweet little selves ready to move! LENNY    [over her diatribe]  But I promised Artie-- CLAUDE    [over, too - miserable, to Lenny] Just drop it.  Trust me.  Once she starts with this, she can't even hear no more. CHARLIE    You hear me? LENNY    [really quiet] Maybe you shoulda let Artie have her. MUSIC AMB    IN CAR CLAUDE    Whadda we do if it's all a big put-up job? LENNY    It ain't - Artie is-- CHARLIE    Stifle!  If they don't sack out, you mean?  In that case, we're just honest, but weary travellers going on our merry way.  Zat so hard to buy? CLAUDE    We gotta do something.  This flivver's on its last legs. CHARLIE    There's always something. LENNY    You believe in magic, Charlie? CHARLIE    Like Houdini stuff?  Hah!  Back when I was on the stage, the only thing them clip artists could make disappear was my hard earned simoleans. LENNY    But this-- CHARLIE    [loud] BUT!  Dontchoo interupt me there, Lenny.  It ain't polite!  [quieter] Hmph. I was tryin to say I could maybe believe in magic like miracles and genies and stuff.  Just always figured maybe it was all run out in the world, like the electricity in the meter when you're outta slugs.  Ya know? CLAUDE    [amused hmph]  Oh, that's a nice turn of phrase you got right there, Charlie. CHARLIE    [smug] And you thought you only married me for my legs. MUSIC AMB    OUTSIDE, RURAL SOUND    ONE SET OF STEPS ON GRAVEL CLAUDE    [relieved and tired] Finally.  [sighs] SOUND    DOOR OPENS WITH A JINGLE CHARLIE    [already arguing]  I don't care what kind of hokey-pokey yer pullin here!  I want a room and I want it pronto - savvy? CLAUDE    [quiet] Oh, lord.  [up, weary]  What's the noise, sweetcheeks? CHARLIE    This fellow says ain't no rooms to be had, not today tonight or any time soon. CLAUDE    Yer full up?  Out here in the middle of squat all? HOST    [old rustic] The young lady misunderstood me.  I was trying to explain that this is just a bad day to be here in Lafayette.  We got rooms, ayuh, but I wouldn't feel right about just putting you up without warning you folks first. CLAUDE    Warning us?  Where's Lenny? LENNY    [off] I'm pretending I'm somewehre's else. CLAUDE    Some help you are.  You was saying, pops? HOST    [cheerful horror]  It's the day we run the hogs. CHARLIE    That's disgusting!  CLAUDE    Hold on, dearest.  Let's hear the man out.  Hogs, you say? HOST    Ayup.  Local tradition.  Them hogs gets loose all over the town.  [self-satisfied] Raise a lotta havoc.  Tranple anything that moves, pretty much. CLAUDE    It'd be safe in the room, wouldnit? HOST    Well, 'spect it oughtta be, but you have to shut the doors and not move an inch.  Don't want to call no attention to yerselves.  [ominous] Folks round here don' like strangers watching our ways. CLAUDE    [sigh] Well, pops, I dunno if you noticed it, but we rode in in the grease monkey's tow.  Our heap ain't taking another step, and neither are we. HOST    [a little too smug] One room or two? CHARLIE    Just get one.  Lenny can sleep in the bureau drawer for all I care. HOST    [chuckles] CLAUDE    Since it's looking we'll need to get a new car soon, I guess one room's all we can spring for. MUSIC SOUND    DOOR SHUTS, BAG THROWN DOWN CHARLIE    Artie better damn well be right. CLAUDE    [hushed] Charlie!  Keep it quiet. LENNY    [hushed] Even if it works, how we gonna get out of town?  CLAUDE    We get a new car-- LENNY    How? CLAUDE    How'd we get the last one, pea-brain? LENNY    Oh, right.  There must be one or two, even in a boondock like this. CHARLIE    The landlord says we got a couple of hours before we gotta hole up [aping his speech] "just enough time to get around some flapjacks".  Flapjacks, my eye.  They better have a hootch parlor in this flyspeck. CLAUDE    Just enough time to case the place. LENNY    Oughtn't we to bring the heaters, Claude? CLAUDE    Hmm.  Nix on that.  Don't wanna get caught on the street heeled.  CHARLIE    Whaddaya mean?  So what if someone suspects something? CLAUDE    You may hate these chuck towns, Charlie, but their jails ain't nothing to write home about neither.  They make our first digs look like the ritz. CHARLIE    [disgusted] Oh! MUSIC AMB    OUTSIDE.  RURAL [note - they're all talking out the side of the mouth] LENNY    There's the spoon where the clerk said we could get us some-- CHARLIE    Flapjacks?  Puh-lease.  We got more important things-- LENNY    But he got me all hungry, with all his flapjack jabbering. CLAUDE    [under his breath] Flapjabbering.  [up]  Look, we need to split up anyway, cover the ground.  Lenny can pick up the skinny at the diner as well as anywhere else. CHARLIE    Where you wanna ronder-voo [rondezvous] later? CLAUDE    Well... [consdiering] Guess the motel's as good as any place. CHARLIE    In forty-five minutes.  No more, you big moose!   LENNY    No sweat - sides, they ain't gonna give me no forty-five minutes worth of flapjacks.  Not for what I got on me. SOUND    WALKS AWAY CLAUDE    And you? CHARLIE    I say you and I take the-- [softening] I mean, make a visit to the bank. CLAUDE    Who'm I to argue? MUSIC SOUND    DOOR OPENS, DING, A COUPLE STEPS LENNY    Hello? SOUND    FLAP OF DOOR, HEELS WAITRESS    Goodness!  I guess I really wan't expecting to see nobody in here today! LENNY    Guess not.  [pitifiul] Zat mean you're out of food? WAITRESS    Mercy, no!  We been cooking all day!  They'll go through plenty later on, but we can spare a bite or two.  What you want? LENNY    Flapjacks? WAITRESS    [chuckles] You came to the right place.  My momma's recipe has taken blue ribbons at the fair for thirty years.  Set yourself down, and I'll sling you a stack. SOUND    DOOR FLAPS, MUFFLED COOKING NOISES WAITRESS    [off some] You want some Java with that? LENNY    That'd be real nice. SOUND    DOOR FLAPS OPEN, QUICK STEPS WAITRESS    Here's your joe, the jacks will be out lickety split.  LENNY    Hey, uh, the goon at the hotel was saying something about something going on today? WAITRESS    Oh, yes.  It's the strangest thing, but nothing you gotta worry about - you're just passing through, right? LENNY    Oh, no, we're staying at the hotel.  WAITRESS    [a bit upset] Oh.  "We?"  Nevermind.  You should stay inside, then.  It ain't safe being out. LENNY    Oh, yeah, he said-- WAITRESS    I mean, they're just frogs, right?  But they are some vicious slimy little devils. LENNY    [baffled] Frogs? WAITRESS    Course.  Every year they just fall from the sky.  No one knows why.  Oops-- [sniffs] that's your jacks.  Be right back. MUSIC AMB    OUTISDE CLAUDE    [undertone]  Take a peep at the cadillac. CHARLIE    That brown heap? CLAUDE    Dat ain't brown, ya gob, dat's cham-payne colored. CHARLIE    Who you calling a gob, you mug? LITTLE GIRL    [off] Hey lady?  Would you like a kitten? CLAUDE    [[startled] Huh?  Oh, Hello little girl.  [really false hearty] No, thanks.  No kittens for us.  You have a real nice day, there. CHARLIE    [whispered]  Do I look like the kind of chickie who wants some damn animal hanging around?  Apart from you, anyway, darling? CLAUDE    Watch yer language, there's a kid present. CHARLIE    She's probably heard it all. CLAUDE    People got manners out in the country.  Here's the bank.  Stick to the script, babe. CHARLIE    Have I ever done you wrong? SOUND    DOOR OPENS, SLIGHT ECHO CLAUDE    This is nice. CHARLIE    [sweet and fake] Oh, honey, maybe everything will be o-k after all! CLAUDE    We'll see, dearest.  TELLER    Can I help you? CHARLIE    I'll just have a seat while you handle all that financial mam stuff. CLAUDE    [annoyed sigh]  You do that.  [hearty again] Hello.  Sorry about that. TELLER    No problem, sir.  What can I help you with? CLAUDE    We had some car trouble coming into town, and I need to find out if we can arrange to cash a check here. TELLER    Do you have an account with our bank, sir? CLAUDE    No, I'm afraid I don't.  We're with the Merchant Chinatown Association Farm Worker's Union Branch out of Miami. TELLER    That's pretty far away. CLAUDE    Yeah. TELLER    That's going to have to go through my manager.  He won't be back until this afternoon. CLAUDE    Really?  Well, that shouldn't be a problem - we're kinda stuck here. TELLER    [strange] Are you over at the motel? CLAUDE    You bet. TELLER    Ohhh. CLAUDE    What? TELLER    Nothing.  He'll be back in about four hours. CLAUDE    Is he part of this whole thing you got going on today? TELLER    [nervous]  What do you-- whatever do you mean? CLAUDE    The clerk was telling us-- TELLER    [urgent] Just stay inside and you'll be safe! CHARLIE    [coming on] Safe?  From-- TELLER    THEM! CLAUDE    Them?  The runners? TELLER    The ghosts. CLAUDE AND CHARLIE    WHAT? TELLER    I'm not from around here, and I'm scared to death.  I get to lock myself in the vault for the whole thing, or else I wouldn't even'a come to work today! CHARLIE    In the vault, eh? TELLER    Yes! CLAUDE    Wait a dang minute.  Ghosts? TELLER    Yes.  A bunch of soldiers from back in the civil war.  They run through town on this day every year, and destroy everything in their path! CLAUDE    Have you... seen the ghosts? TELLER    Of course not!  I stay shut up tight! CLAUDE    Right.  [heavy thinking sigh, the working to sound chipper again]  Well, maybe we'll see you later then.  When your manager's back. TELLER    Okey-doke.  You stay safe now! MUSIC SOUND    EATING SOUND    [OFF] FEET APPROACH CLAUDE    [outside] wait til we-- CHARLIE    What's that smell? SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN CHARLIE    You! LENNY    I brought you some! CHARLIE    I'm watching my figure, you mope! CLAUDE    More for me.  Pass that. LENNY    Trudy at the diner, she gave me some extra butter too.  She did it up right fine. CHARLIE    Don't eat so much you slow down!  We'll leave you behind. LENNY    [talking around a mouthful]  Oh, come on, they're real good. CLAUDE    [licking his fingers]  They are.  Look, Lenny, there's something real hinky here-- LENNY    You don't need to tell me, Claude!  I heard all about-- CHARLIE    The ghosts? LENNY    The what? CLAUDE    According to the girl at the bank, it ain't pigs, it's ghosts. LENNY    That don't make no sense!  There ain't no such things as ghosts. CHARLIE    But you do believe that there might be a town where everyone falls asleep for an hour. LENNY    Anyway, it ain't ghosts, it's Frogs. CLAUDE    Like frog frogs, or french folks? LENNY    Like ribbit, ribbit.  They rain down, like in the old weird part of the bible. CHARLIE    Yeah, ghosts is lots more nuts than frogs. CLAUDE    Why would everyone have a different story?  CHARLIE    Are you just a moron or what?  They're all covering up!  Anything to scare us who ain't part of it into keeping shut up for the time they all fall asleep, excepting that they forgot to get their damn story straight.  I'd almost'a bought the one about the pigs, but FROGS?  LENNY    And ghosts. CHARLIE    Oh, don't even. CLAUDE    It still feels hinky.  Like we should-- SOUND    TAP ON THE DOOR CLAUDE    Stifle.  [up] Yes? LITTLE GIRL    [off]  I have to tell you something! LENNY    That's some sneaky girl scout. CLAUDE    Shh!  Just keep quiet! SOUND    DOOR OPENS SOUND    MEWING OF KITTENS CLAUDE    Yeah? LITTLE GIRL    I have to tell you this.  You have to listen! CLAUDE    I'm listening, little girl.  Watch out for your kittens, there. LITTLE GIRL    You don't get one. CLAUDE    Just tell me what you wanted to--? LITTLE GIRL    [solemn] In 15 minutes, the monsters come out.  If you leave your rooms, they will eat you.  CLAUDE    [almost laughs, stops himsefl]  Monsters? LITTLE GIRL    Yes.  CLAUDE    What kind of monsters? LITTLE GIRL    [exasperatied] The kind that eat people.   I have to go home now. CLAUDE    Before the monsters get you? LITTLE GIRL    Oh, they won't get me.  They'll be too busy chasing you. SOUND    SHE WALKS AWAY CHARLIE    Little street rat!  Get her back here, I'll show her what for! CLAUDE    No!  Let the kid go. LENNY    Claude?  You think maybe she's right? CLAUDE    It's not like she'd make something up like that.  CHARLIE    Someone told her to tell us. CLAUDE    The same someone who couldn't get their stories straight?  That don't make no sense.  There's something behind all this. CHARLIE    So what now, you want to give this all up and sit on your face like an ostrich or something? CLAUDE    I never said nothing like that.  We should-- we just gotta keep our eyes open is all. MUSIC SOUND    CLOCK CHIMES CLAUDE    Ready?  LENNY    [a little shaky] Yeah. CHARLIE    Hmph.  Yes. CLAUDE    Keep cool.  If this is all some kind of joke, we need to be ready to act like there ain't nothing going on. CHARLIE    Keep your gun handy, Lenny, in case of frogs. SOUND    WALKS AWAY LENNY    [muttered] Same to you.  I would say in case of pigs, but I know how you feel about family. CLAUDE    [almost laughs] CHARLIE    [sharp] What? LENNY    [trying to keep a straight face] Nuttin.  SOUND    DOOR OPENS, PAPER CRACKLES CLAUDE    What's this? CHARLIE    Aah - Must be the bill.  Give it.  We can look it over later. SOUND    PAPER SHOVED INTO PURSE MUSIC AMB    OUTSIDE, BUT MUTED. LENNY    Weird, ain't it?  Everything so quiet. CHARLIE    So everyone's gone to sleep.  Or they're messing with us.  CLAUDE    [shocked] No!  Look at this! LENNY    Oh, gee!  Think we should move her? CHARLIE    What are you--?  Holy knots!  The kid! LENNY    And all the kittens!  Are they ok? CLAUDE    [grunt as he kneels] Well, I ain't gonna hold a mirror up to all them tiny little noses, but they look like they're just sleeping. LENNY    They're so cute - you shoulda took one. CHARLIE    Are you done yet? LENNY    Shouldn't we move her, though?  What if the pigs hurt her? CHARLIE    Leave the stupid kid!  She's the one decided to take a nap in the middle of the street.  We got a bank waiting! LENNY    I'll-- I'll catch up to ya.  I wanna lug the little tyke up onta the porch. CHARLIE    Aargh!!!  [exasperated noise]  Fine!  Pick uppa car while you're at it, potater head! MUSIC SOUND    BIG DOOR CREAKS QUIETLY OPEN SOUND    OUTDOOR NOISES, OFF SLIGHTLY; VOICES HAVE MODERATE ECHO CLAUDE    [whispering] The lights are all on. CHARLIE    Why are you whispering? CLAUDE    I still got that weird feeling about this - like it's all gonna turn out to be a big joke or something.  There's a hook somewehres.  There gotta be. CHARLIE    We'll ditch it when we see it.  For now, let's go to work on that vault. SOUND    [OUTSIDE] WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE CLAUDE    What was that? CHARLIE    [snide] Not a pig, for crying out loud.  If you're so damn worried, shall we promenayde to the vault? CLAUDE    It was really - strange.  I ain't never heard no animal like it before. CHARLIE    That just rules out the zoo and Mel Blanc.  They're the only animals you ever heard in your whole stupid life. SOUND    [OUTSIDE] WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE CLAUDE    I just wanna take a look, see if Lenny's coming. CHARLIE    Fergit him!  I'm your wife - you should be here, lookin after me! CLAUDE    [sharp] Did you see that? CHARLIE    I see a grown man scared of some owl or something. CLAUDE    [on edge] No, there was this dark shape, went behind that buildign over there.  Watch! CHARLIE    [putting her foot down]  No!  I want to go inside!  [hissed] And I plan to lock the door, whatever side you happen to be on. SOUND    DOOR SLAMS AMB    OUTSIDE SOUND    RUSTLING CLAUDE    [calling quietly] Lenny?  Zat you? SOUND    WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE CLAUDE    [gasp] Dammit Lenny! SOUND    RUSTLING NOISE, OFF RIGHT SOUND    GUN READIED CLAUDE    [moving right]  Come out, whatever you are. MOMENT OF SUSPENSE, A COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS CLAUDE    [gasp] LENNY    [gasp]  What's wit the heater, Claude?  I ain't done nuttin! SOUND    PUTTING GUN BACK CLAUDE    Nah, Lenny, it's-- did you hear something weird out there? LENNY    Birds.  Something.  I guess. CLAUDE    Charlie's inside.  Come on. LENNY    Why do you put up with her? CLAUDE    What?  We're married. LENNY    If she was my wife, I'd'a smacked her to kingdom come years ago - I wouldn'a been able to help myself. CLAUDE    I love her.  [shrugs]  And I hate her sometimes too.  What can you do? SOUND    BIG DOOR STARST TO OPEN SOUND    [CLOSE] WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE SOUND    BOTH MEN TURN, DRAW GUNS SOUND    DOOR SWINGS SHUT AGAIN LENNY    That's the noise you was talking about? CLAUDE    Yeah.  Shh.  [whispered] Can you tell where it is? LENNY    Nuh-uh. MOMENT OF JUST CAUTIOUS BREATHING, THEN SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN BEHIND THEM LENNY and CLAUDE    [gasp] CHARLIE    Get your keisters in here, you nitwits!  Time's a-wasting! MUSIC AMB    INSIDE BANK, ECHOEY SOUND    COMBINATION LOCK BEING TURNED CHARLIE    [whispered] Hurry! LENNY    [whispered] That ain't gonna help! CLAUDE    Zip it!  I'm almost there! SOUND    A COUPLE OF CLICKS, HANDLE CLAUDE    [angry noise] Agh.  Nope.  Damn.  Charlie, give me something to write on. CHARLIE    What do I look like, your secretary? CLAUDE    Just find me something, or I'm gonna forget the numbers I already got! SOUND    FEET GO OFF SOUND    ROOTING AROUND IN A PURSE CHARLIE    Here's some paper. LENNY    [coming back] I got a pencil from the desk.  It's getting kind of dark outside. CHARLIE    Great - a storm. CLAUDE    Good thing you got that kid under cover.  She don't need to catch penumonia. CHARLIE    Oh, listen to Mary Curry over here. CLAUDE    [sighs] SOUND    WRITING SOUND    DISTANT ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE CHARLIE    What the hell? CLAUDE    That's what I've been trying to tell you about.  Cept now it sounds like it's inside here with us. CHARLIE     Get that vault open, before they find us. LENNY    They?  Don't you mean it? CHARLIE    It's got to be some sort of Okie joke.  These hicks are messing with us. SOUND    CLOSER ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE CHARLIE    [shrieking] Get it open! CLAUDE    My hands won't stop shaking, Charlie.  I can't concentrate-- CHARLIE    I can NOT believe I am hearing this! CLAUDE    [voice rising to a yell] --and you ain't helping!  SHUT UP! CHARLIE    huh! [affronted]  Hmph. CLAUDE    [long deep breath, trying to calm down] SOUND    CLICKING of DIAL BEGINS SOUND    DISTANT ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE SOUND    CLICKS TURN WILDLY CLAUDE    Yah! LENNY    [nervous, but trying to be helpful] I-I could go and look? CLAUDE    No, I think-- CHARLIE    Yeah, you do that, knucklehead.  Go and kick some heads on these nutballs. CLAUDE    [definitive]  No.  SOUND    DIAL TWIRLS QUICKLY CLAUDE    We're getting out of here. CHARLIE    [angry] Don't you chicken out on me now, Claude! [wheedling] Come, on baby!  We're this close to the big score.  I can taste it! The only thing in our way is this door. SOUND    ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE COMES AROUND CORNER, SKITTERING LENNY    And th-th-th-that!  [a shriek] Them! SOUND    RUNNING FEET MUSIC ALL    PANTING BREATHING IN A CLOSE SPACE LENNY    What the hell?  What were they?  CLAUDE    I dunno!  All I saw was teeth and fur. CHARLIE    They're like shrews or something. CLAUDE    Nah, they was more teeth than anything else.  Even shrews ain't like that.  These ain't nothing natural. CHARLIE    Well they ain't ghosts, frogs, or pigs.  LENNY    That just leaves monsters. CHARLIE    [after a beat]  What? LENNY    The little girl, she said it was monsters. SOUND    SCRABBLIONG AT THE DOOR BEGINS, GETS LOUDER THROGUHOUT LENNY    Oh, holy crap!  CHARLIE    Sounds like they're eating their way through! CLAUDE    And there ain't excatly a dozen ways out of this closet here. CHARLIE    There gotta be something!  I ain't going out like this.  Boost me up! CLAUDE    Boost? CHARLIE    I think I see something up there.  Just like in gramma's attic. CLAUDE    [grunt of boosting]  Lenny, give me a hand here, wouldja? LENNY    Yeah, here - uh!  Careful! [he has a kitten in his coat] BOTH    [grunt as they push her up] CHARLIE    Yeah!  I thought so!  SOUND    GRIND OF WOOD SHIFTING CHARLIE    This probably goes to a roof access.  [ugh! As she climbs up] CLAUDE    Don't kick!  Damn! LENNY    Watch out!  Uhhh!  SOUND    HER SCRAMBLING STOPS CHARLIE    [calling down] Big help you two are.  I see cracks of light - bet there's a vent and I can get out onto the roof. CLAUDE    And then what? CHARLIE    Well, they don't look much like climbers, do they?  We can wait it out up there! CLAUDE    How the hell are we supposed to get up there? LENNY    Whatever we do, we better do it quick!  Sounds like they're getting through! CLAUDE    Here, I'll boost you. LENNY    Nah, Claude - If you get killed, then I'm alone with her, and I can't take that.  CLAUDE    You dumbo! LENNY    Besides, you can pull me up better.  Okay? CLAUDE    Let's do this. SOUND    GRUNST, RUSTLES, THUMPS CLAUDE    [long grunt, pulling himself up] SOUND MOVES UP TO THEM ABOVE SOUND    DISTANT WOOD CRACKING LENNy    [distant]  Claude?  Come on!  My turn! [continues under] CHARLIE    oh, Claude!  [kisses him] CLAUDE    MMm!  [surprised, but enjoying the kiss] SOUND    WOOD QUIETLY SHIFTED, LENNY CUTS OUT CLAUDE    What was that for? CHARLIE    Just happy. LENNY    [off, screams!!!] CLAUDE    shit!  You closed the hatch!  CHARLIE    It's too late for him! LENNY    [Scream cuts out] CLAUDE    How could you do that? CHARLIE    If I didn't you woulda died wit him!  I'm protecting you, ya bastard. CLAUDE    Where's this damn vent? CHARLIE    Say you love me. CLAUDE    There it is. CHARLIE    What the hell's gotten into you? CLAUDE    You're my wife, and I'll get you out--  CHARLIE    Out of what? CLAUDE    Out of here.  Out of this town.  But don't expect to ever see me again after that. CHARLIE    [freaked] Cluade?  How can you even-- SOUND    KICKING OUT THE VENT MUSIC AMB    OUTISDE CLAUDE    [cold] Give me your hand. CHARLIE    [meek] all right, Claude. SOUND    SCRABBLING CLAUDE and Charlie [grunt as he pulls her up onto the roof] CLAUDE    [breathing hard with exertion]  [runs his hand over his face] CHARLIE    You still got the combination?  Just in case? CLAUDE    I don't even care no more. CHARLIE    Can I see it? CLAUDE    No.  Where's that pencil?  Ah. SOUND    PAPER RUSTLES CHARLIE    What're you doing? CLAUDE    Writing my will. CHARLIE    Will?  What you got to leave? CLAUDE    I dunno, but there must be something I can-- whoa. CHARLIE    What? CLAUDE    Where'd you get this paper? CHARLIE    That?  Oh I think that was the note on our door. CLAUDE    Damn. CHARLIE    What? CLAUDE    This woulda been good to know.  "So sorry to put you in harm's way, but the boggins is hungry, and if it ain't an outsider, then it's someone in town, and we can't have that.  But we did warn you, as tradtion demands, and you had every chance to leave.  Thank you for staying!" CHARLIE    So it must be over, right? CLAUDE    Are you flapping your lips for a reason? CHARLIE    [whine] Claude!  The note makes it sound like it's just one they need.  One outsider.  So Lenny-- CLAUDE    [cold, hard] You need to shut your trap.  Now. CHARLIE    [sweetie again] You gonna forgive me, arentcha? CLAUDE    [not quite sure] No. CHARLIE    Oh, come on, Claudie.  We're better off, ain't we?  Just you and me, like the old days? LENNY    You want old days, I was his friend first. CHARLIE    [gasps] SOUND    SHE LOSES HER BALANCE A BIT, FEET SLOWLY APPROACH CLAUDE    Len!  [pleased]  I'll be damned!  What... happened?  It sounded like-- LENNY    [freaked out] They were...everywhere.  I dunno why they didn't just take me down.  They took some chunks out of me, man, but they... stopped. SOUND    MONSTER NOISES START SNEAKING IN, UNDER CHARLIE    [insincere] What a relief! LENNY     Don't you start!  I heard everything.  CLAUDE    Can you forgive me, Lenny? LENNY    Yeah, probably.  Jeez I hope Peahces is OK. SOUND    UNZIP WIDNBREAKER CLAUDE    What? LENNY    You think we're safe up here? CHARLIE    [spiteful again] Apparently, you're safe anywhere.  Must taste bad. LENNY    Oh, look, he's still asleep. CLAUDE    [laughing a little]  A kitten?  You took you a kitten? CHARLIE    You did what?  You are SUCH a shit-for-brains. LENNY    Leave off, Charlie, or I swear I will-- SOUND    NOW BECOMING OBVIOUS, THE MONSTERS ARE DOWN BELOW CLAUDE    Shh!  It's those things! CHARLIE    The shrews? CLAUDE    Whatever they are.  CHARLIE    Can you see them? CLAUDE    The roof slopes wrong, I can't get close enough to get a look down. CHARLIE    Well, crawl out there!  Surely you don't expect me to do it! LENNY    I can't leave Peaches. CHARLIE    Peaches? SOUND    SNATCH, THUMP AS SHE THROWS THE KITTEN AT A WALL CHARLIE    [uh! As she throws] There's your damn Peaches. LENNY    Peaches!!  SOUND    SCRAMBLE ACROSS THE ROOF LENNY    You killed him!  He was justa baby kitten!  He never din't do nothing to you! CHARLIE    Stop bawling and start helping! LENNY    I'll help.  Yeah, I know what I can do to help. SOUND    MOVING CLOSER LENNY    [unh!  Shoving] CHARLIE    Lenny? What are you doing?  Ahh!!!  Claude! LENNY    Stay back, Claude. CLAUDE    I'm just a bit too damn tired to stop you. CHARLIE    Claude?!?  Ahhhhhhhhh [scream as she goes off the roof] SOUND    ROAR OF MONSTERs, grinding chewing CHARLIE    [Horrible screaming.] LENNY    [calm again] Sorry you had to see that. SOUND    MONSTER NOISES DISSIPATE CLAUDE    Sorry about your Peaches, Lenny.  We'll get you another kitten. LENNY    Okay.  [pause] Claude?  Let's not get you another wife, though, okay? SOUND    CLOCK CHIMES 1 O'CLOCK CLOSER OLIVIA    Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back.  Maybe next week?  Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already... __________________ LENNY    Funny thing, though - Why'd Artie tell me about this?  CLAUDE    I have a feeling he... well... meant for us to come to a bad end. LENNY    But he carries a torch for Charlie! CLAUDE    Yup.  And he said she shouldn't come. LENNY    Oh!  [musing]  Artie's never...wrong. _________________ CLAUDE    If anybody who's asleep is safe, I think maybe Peaches saved your life. By sleeping. LENNY    [wailing] Peaches!!! CLAUDE    Lenny, just hold on to the good times. THE END

Set in the same world as B&B Investigations, but some 30 years later.  So while Paul & Donna are Sam Spade, Gretal & Hansel are Starsky and Hutch. CAN YOU DIG IT? ****************************************** Cast List Rebekah Gretal - Risa Torres Vic Hansel - Reynaud LeBoeuf B.O. Wulf - Lothar Tuppan Capt. Meisterburger - Glen Hallstrom Ginger - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Fleet - Chris Stockett Shallott - Bryan Hendricksen Juniper - Chris Stockett Rumplestiltskin - Philomen Vanderbeck Dr. Fell - Colin McRoberts Goose Gander - Mark Olson TV News  - Suzanne Dunn Senator Rapunzel - Julie Hoverson Mysterious Voice - Mark Olson Woodcutter - Justin Cop 1 - Graciespoppy  Cop 2 - Colin McRoberts Trainer - Graciespoppy Maitre d' - Philemon Vanderbeck Bartender - James Keeley Woman1 - Sara Falconer Woman2 - Angela Kirby Stumpy - Brody Walker Additional gingerbread men - Cary Ayers, Leonard Keeler, Danar Hoverson Music by  Footage Firm, Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an alley, can't you tell?" ********************************* Hot Ginger Bread Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Woodcutter, the stoolie Cop1 and cop2 Rebekah Gretal, tough old-school cop Vic Hansel, new-age hippie cop with no fear Goose Gander, affirmative action detective B.O. Wulf, other tough cop Captain Meisterburger - chief of detectives Ginger, nearsighted witch running the cartel Fleet, Ginger's head man Senator Rapunzel Mysterious stranger Shallott, internal affairs TV News Trainer Other gingerbread men Maitre d' Bartender (frog) Woman1 Woman2 Juniper Fell Rumplestiltskin   ADD COMMERCIAL BREAKS? OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a back alley in a vaguely familiar city - but an unfamiliar time, can't you tell?  1_OPENING TAG MUSIC - FUNK!!!!! SOUND     RUNNING FEET, ECHOING IN AN ALLEYWAY, DISTANT TRAFFIC.  POLICE WHISTLES COP1    [distant] Stop!  Police! WOODCUTTER    Nuh-uh!  SOUND    GATE CLANG OPEN, FEET RUN THROUGH WOODCUTTER    [triumphant] Oh yeah! SOUND    FEET SLOW, STOP TO LISTEN WOODCUTTER    [gasping but laughing] Lame-ass fuzz. SOUND    GUN COCKS COP2    [snide] What was that? WOODCUTTER    Oh...  uh...  [weaselly] I have the right to remain silent? 2_GRETAL MUSIC    SCENE WIPE [gym] SOUND    PUNCHING BAG WULF    Hey Ree, dontcha think that saddle-slap is about to shed some eye-dew? GRETAL    [exerting] Nah, Wulf.  Momma always said you gotta keep hitting til it squeals uncle. WULF    [shrugs] Stranger things have come to pass. GRETAL    'sides, big heavy meeting coming up with the Cap.  Needed to cool down a bit first. SOUND    PUNCHING STOPS GRETAL    Hear you gotta new partner.  What happened to Canute?  You guys were joined at the badge.  WULF    [grumpy] New inefficiency program.  Ya get too good, ya get cleaved in twain like a bronze war helmet.  Plus they needed someone who can stand a pattycake in the car. GRETAL    Oh yeah, I heard one of 'em got his shield.  [a bit disgusted] Welcome to the future. WULF    [dismissive] If this is the future, I'll take Valhalla.  You cooled yet? GRETAL    Nah, a few more-- TRAINER    [from across the room] Anyone here seen Gretal? GRETAL    [heavy sigh] Guess I'm done. WULF    Good luck.  And remember - they only have one pattycake to assign, so it can't be a kettlefull of snakes. GRETAL    Words to live by. 3_HANSEL MUSIC    SCENE WIPE [CAPTAIN'S OFFICE] CAPTAIN    [to someone in the room] I'll be just a minute.  [back to phone]  I specifically said 3:00 and it's now-- SOUND    RAP ON THE DOOR CAPTAIN    Never mind.  SOUND    HANGS UP PHONE CAPTAIN    [grumpy]  Get in here, Gretal! SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FEET ENTER CAPTAIN    Shut the door. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS FIRMLY GRETAL    What did I do this time?  If it's that weasel we pulled out of toad hall, he fell down the stairs.  They all did.  Ask anyone. CAPTAIN    No, it's -- GRETAL    Oh, I got it.  The fish is talking again?  CAPTAIN    NO!  Sit down and listen! GRETAL    Right. SOUND    CHAIR CAPTAIN    [suspicious] What was this about a fish? GRETAL    [too quick] Nothing. CAPTAIN    Then never mind... for the moment.  I've got bigger ... uh... things to fry.  You know they been shaking things up since the corruption stings hit - changing up the partners in the detective posts? GRETAL    Doesn't bother me, I don't have a partner. CAPTAIN    Not yet. GRETAL    I work better on my - what? CAPTAIN    New directive, straight from the Keep.  Everyone works with a partner, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.  GRETAL    You know no one can keep up with me!  I have the highest manacle rating in homicide!  Just last week I stopped that vigilante goat and took down the troll that ate his family.  CAPTAIN    Your record does speak for itself.  GRETAL    Frankly, the goat was tougher. CAPTAIN    But with the recent corruption issues-- GRETAL    [horrified] Captain!  You can't think I'm dirty!  I even play fair with pattycakes. CAPTAIN    Fair, yes.  But it's this lone wolf mentality that's got people up in arms.  Too many cops without adequate oversight. GRETAL    Oversight?  I'll show you oversight! CAPTAIN    And no, I don't think for a moment that you're a dirty cop. GRETAL    Damn straight! CAPTAIN    Just a rude one who won't shut up and listen to her damn boss. GRETAL    I--!  [beat]  Fine. CAPTAIN    Good.  Now you better listen, cause sure as bad things come in threes, there's someone above us just waiting for a chance to come down on us like a sledgehammer-- GRETAL    Thor? CAPTAIN    [ignoring her] --and take this entire department apart, brick by brick.  So while the big eye is on us, we have to play nice.  Which means you do as you're told. GRETAL    How long? CAPTAIN    Til "they're" done.  Whenever that may be. GRETAL    [wheedling] Why can't you partner me up with Wulf?  At least we see eye-to-eye on-- CAPTAIN    "Necessary force"?  Yeah, that's exactly why he's partnered up with Gander and you get our newest transfer from "CAP". GRETAL    Crimes against Pattycakes?  Seriously?  [disgusted] Am I gonna have to speak in rhyme? VIC    [gentle cough] Don't worry.  I just work with them. [bitter] I'm as normal as anyone. GRETAL    [whirling, annoyed] What the--?  [to captain] You never said--! CAPTAIN    And you never gave me a chance.  Rebekah Gretal, meet Vic Hansel. VIC    It's a... pleasure. GRETAL    [ignoring him] You're not transferring me?  Please tell me we're not-- CAPTAIN    You're not going to be CAP, no. GRETAL    [to Vic] Hah.  Looks like you traded up. CAPTAIN    You're both going to be part of a special task force, working in parallel with vice. GRETAL    Oh, hell no. 4_WITCH MUSIC WIPE     [WITCH'S OFFICE, SULTRY MUSIC] SOUND    PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP GINGER    Yes? STRANGER    [disguised mechanized voice]  Woodcutter is turning woodlark. GINGER    The hell you say. STRANGER    The guard has him under wraps.  Not even booked yet.  GINGER    Narco? STRANGER    No.  They have not been informed. GINGER    How did you find all this out? STRANGER    A Little pixie told me.  Good enough for you to drop a gold ball in the well for me? GINGER    Very good.  You'll have it by the end of the week. SOUND     HANGS UP, CLICK INTERCOM FLEET    [deep voice] Yeah, boss? GINGER    Fire up the ovens, Fleet.  Looks like I'm gonna need a few more good men. 5_BAR MUSIC    CUT TO BAR T.V. NEWS    In the overwhelming wake of the Aarne Thompson exposés on corruption in the guard, shakeups have been felt throughout the land.  WULF    Turn it off. GRETAL    Nah, leave it.  Better to hear what's coming, than get blindsided like I just did. T.V. NEWS    Commissioner Oftheguard set the date for his official resignation ceremony. WULF    That sucks. GRETAL    [very upset growl] The Guard was his damn life.  They shouldn't take this crap out on him. WULF    He was planning to retire anyway, wasn't he? GRETAL    Yeah, but in a hail of glory, not a... rain of frogs. BARTENDER    [croaky] Watchoo got against frogs? GRETAL    [dismissive noise] T.V. NEWS    The hotly-contested interim Commissioner position will be designated by the end of the week, and will hold office until the elections in two months. VIC    A lot could happen in two months. GRETAL    [completely startled] Oh crap!  Where the gilliken did you come from? VIC    I've been here for a while.  [to B.O.] Hi! WULF    Uh, hi. VIC    Introduce us? GRETAL    Wulf, this is my new partner Vic Hansel.  Hansel, this is Brynulf Odegaard Wulf.  We just call him B.O. VIC    Gotcha. T.V. NEWS    Senator Rapunzel had this to say on the eve of the corruption hearings... WULF    [annoyed] You want me to invite my partner too?  We could play a hand of poker.  Start a bowling league? T.V. RAPUNZEL    [old woman]  I have never been ashamed of my stand on justice.  GRETAL    [resigned sigh]  No. VIC    Sorry.  Didn't realize I was intruding.  But we -um- just got a call. T.V. RAPUNZEL    [old woman]  I did my time in the district attorney's office, doing what good I could. GRETAL    [to bartender] One more! BARTENDER    [croaky] Coming right up. SOUND    SPLASH VIC    Should you--? GRETAL    Definitely. T.V. RAPUNZEL    [old woman]  And now in my fourth term in the grand high senate to have my own home land turned topsy-turvy like a rolling hedgehog.  Now I am ashamed.  Ashamed I moved up to the senate, to the castle, and never saw what was happening in the streets so far below my very own tower window. 6_ASSIGNMENT SOUND    RESTAURANT MAITRE D'    [french and very sneery] Two?  You? VIC    Inspectors.  Checking fire escapes.  Just passing through. MAITRE D'     Oui oui.  I see.  SOUND    THEY WALK, NOISE FADES A BIT IN HALLWAY GRETAL    [suspicious] Meisterburger sent us here? VIC    Captain Meisterburger said we were to meet a contact in-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS TWO WOMEN COME OUT AND WALK PAST WOMAN1    So I said to him - oh yeah?  You want me soooo bad, dad, you can get me a fur coat with snippets from every animal in the entire world! WOMAN2    You didn't! SOUND    WOMEN ARE GONE GRETAL    Tell me this is a joke so I don't gotta punch you. MIRROR    [muffled, from inside a room] It's not a joke. GRETAL    The ladies room?  We're meeting a contact in the ladies room?  AND it sounds like a guy. VIC    Check and see if there's anyone else in there. SOUND    DOOR OPENS MIRROR    If there was anyone else in here, I would hardly be talking to you, would I? GRETAL    Holy crap.  Get in here Vic.  SOUND    FEET ENTER SOUND    DOOR SHUTS GRETAL    This is Shallott of Internal Affairs. MIRROR    Oh?  Have we met before? GRETAL    Lock it. SOUND    LATCH CLICKS GRETAL    I try to keep up with whoever might be snooping on me. MIRROR    Whomever. GRETAL    WHATever.  And you wonder why I don't much go in for makeup. VIC    So ... are you in the mirror, or are you the mirror? MIRROR    Potayto - potahto.  For all that we clearly aren't going to like one another, Gretal, I've never caught a smidge of dirt on you.  And I know your uncle, who vouches for you. VIC    Who? GRETAL    [vehement] SHHH! MIRROR    And Hansel there is so uptight he squeaks.  VIC    I-- MIRROR    You two are just about the cleanest detectives we got. GRETAL    [half pleased, half disgusted] Really? VIC    Jumping Cow! MIRROR    And that's why this can't go through regular channels.  GRETAL    B-but... Captain Meisterburger? MIRROR    This is not a gossip session.  This is a briefing.  Good.  A couple of helmets out of the dickory dock district caught a petty thief - one of the Woodcutter boys - two nights ago.  GRETAL    Figures.  [knowing] Them woodcutters. MIRROR    He made a deal, and somehow lucked into talking to just the right person.  We managed to make him disappear and have kept him on ice.  We know there are still leaks - BIG leaks - in vice, so we can't turn him over to them, even though he claims he's willing to take someone to [importantly] the Gingerbread house. MOMENT OF SILENCE VIC    Gingerbread house? GRETAL    no offence, but where do you come into it? VIC    Ginger bread house? MIRROR    We want you to follow along, make sure he's not just selling us a dead cowhide in a sack, and report back.  Nothing more - except you don't talk to ANYONE but me.  Not the Captain, not your best friend. VIC    [louder] Gingerbread house? MIRROR    [sneering slightly] I forget, you haven't had to deal with REAL crimes yet.  VIC    [annoyed] I have so--! MIRROR    Gingerbread is the hottest drug on the market, and whoever is distributing it-- GRETAL    [smug] whomever. MIRROR    This new cartel is making money faster than Midas.  They're selling cheap, now, but soon as they have half the city hooked they'll jack-be-nimble the prices, and we're all going to drown in a tidal wave of crime, without even a pea green boat to paddle. VIC    And the house? MIRROR    Rumor has it there's a central refining and distribution plant, where all the baking happens.  We need to find it.  If we can call out all the kings horses and all the kings men quickly enough, there won't be time for any dormice in the department - any department - to give the high sign before we take it down. GRETAL    Hmph.  And here I thought this was gonna be a shit job. MUSIC 7_BONFIRE AMB    IN CAR GRETAL    You CAN tell me where we're going. SOUND    RUSTLE OF MAP VIC    [distracted]  No, that's ok.  Turn left. GRETAL    That wasn't a hint, it was a demand. VIC    Huh? SOUND    CAR BRAKES TO A SUDDEN STOP GRETAL    My car.  My rules.  Where are we meeting this troll? VIC    He's a woodcutter, not a troll. GRETAL    [warning] AND...? VIC    He's being kept in a safe house. SOUND    CAR STARTS AGAIN GRETAL    Hah.  You mean a dive motel near the Shoe. VIC    How did you know? GRETAL    Educated guess.  I've worked protection a few times. SOUND    A BIT OF SILENCE, A FIRE TRUCK ZOOMS PAST VIC    [hesitant] You sounded like you knew... of... the Woodcutters? GRETAL    Bad lot.  Ain't a single one of them any good in three generations.  Fell in with a bad crowd and never fell out again. SOUND    CAR SLOWS, APPROACHES FIRE TRUCK, BIG FIRE GRETAL    Let me guess.  That's the place? SOUND    RUSTLE OF MAP VIC    Uhhh... [down] yeah. 8_ELUSIVE MUSIC AMB    OUTSIDE, OBSERVING THE FIRE FROM A DISTANCE GRETAL    Humph.  They got the fire under control before it took out the shoe.  Big money always survives. VIC    Three bodies, but no way to know which unit they were pulled out of. GRETAL    Come on.  If "our friend" didn't end up burnt to cinders, he's probably long gone. VIC    I'm not so sure.  Let's walk a perimeter. SOUND    THEY START WALKING GRETAL    A Perimeter?  Fancy talk.  Bet you didn't learn that from anyone in Iambic Pentameter. VIC    I did have a life before C-A-P.  And Pattycakes are simple.  Most don't lie at all, and if they do, they don't do it well.  GRETAL    It's those big round faces.  Wide innocent eyes.  Not much to hide behind. VIC    That, and they just don't see the point.  Simple doesn’t mean stupid.  SOUND    SOMETHING CLATTERS GRETAL    [hushed rushed] Hold on.  Something up ahead. SOUND    GUN DRAWN SOUND    SHE WALKS SLOWLY SOUND    VIC DRAWS MORE SLOWLY SOUND    SUDDEN FLURRY OF MOTION - CLATTER OF METAL - RUNNING FEET AWAY. GRETAL    Come on! SOUND    RUNNING! SOUND    CHAIN LINK FENCE, CLIMB GRETAL    Damn damn damn! SOUND    HITS FENCE SOUND    VIC RUNS UP VIC    Come on, he's not too far-- GRETAL    No. VIC    But we can get him! GRETAL    That's a no go zone.   See the sign? VIC    Rampion Limited? GRETAL    Yeah.  Very private property.  Dammit! SOUND    HITS FENCE SOUND    DOG STARTS BARKING SOUND    ALARM GOES OFF GRETAL    [sarcastic and bitter]  Yeah.  That's put a shoe in the loaf. 9_HOME AGAIN SOUND    OFFICE SOUND    HAND SLAMS DOWN CAPTAIN    What have you got to say for yourselves? GRETAL    [stony] Saw someone go over the fence - we were trying to stop a break-in. CAPTAIN    Why were you even in that part of town?  VIC    [very smooth] Anonymous tip.  Said a firebug was going to hit - and when the motel went up, we thought we might be of some use. GRETAL    [a little surprised and appreciative] Yeaah. CAPTAIN    [starting low and building to a loud growl]  If there is one thing I can NOT stand, it's when my officers think they're smarter than I am! GRETAL    [quiet, but getting it] Oh hell.  [up, belligerent]  Captain, I don't think I'm smarter than you.  Just tougher and more in tune with the street. VIC    Wait!  Wait!  We can work this out! CAPTAIN    [angry low rumble] The hell you say? GRETAL    [nearly yelling] The Pied Piper could stroll back into town playing a mazurka and it would take you and three blind mice to find him! VIC    Let's talk calmly about this-- CAPTAIN    [to vic] SHUT UP! GRETAL    [to vic] SHUT UP! CAPTAIN    Give me your gun and shield.  You're suspended. GRETAL    Fine.  SOUND    RUSTLE, CLANK. VIC    Wait - I - SOUND    GRETAL STORMS OUT VIC    What ...just happened? CAPTAIN    Ask your damn partner. MUSIC A1_CAUSE OF DEATH AMB    HALLWAY SOUND    ELEVATOR PINGS, SLIDES CLOSED VIC    Hold it! SOUND     RUNNING FEET, DOOR STOPPED GRETAL    What? SOUND    VIC GETS IN, HITS BUTTON, DOOR SHUTS VIC    What was all that? GRETAL    hah.  He started it. VIC    [concerned] So... what will you do now? GRETAL    Hmm?  Oh, go to the morgue. VIC    Uh.... why? GRETAL    See Juniper.  Find out what happened at the fire. VIC    But... you're suspended. GRETAL    [shrug] We only need your badge to get around. MUSIC AMB    GINGER'S OFFICE SOUND    DOOR OPENS GINGER    Ah, Fleet.  How comes the army? FLEET    Fifteen more, [clears throat] though one stuck and ... and lost part of an arm. GINGER    [furious] Who's responsible? FLEET    [cowering] It was an accident!  Um, uh - not enough butter! GINGER    [vicious, but calming] See that it doesn't happen again.  FLEET    Yes Ma'am. GINGER    Are they all ready to run? FLEET    [important] It's what we're made for. MUSIC AMB    MORGUE SOUND    DOOR OPENS JUNIPER    [squawky voice]  Stay out! GRETAL    Is that any way to talk to detectives? JUNIPER    Oh, it's you.  Fine.  But I'm in the middle of a post mortem. GRETAL    Aw, crap... VIC    Interesting.  Do we get to see a body? GRETAL    Hell no. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, SOMETHING BEING WHEELED OUT. GRETAL    Hey Juney.  We're here about the dead Woodcutter. JUNIPER    Why am I not surprised? VIC    Can we see the body? GRETAL    [aside] Shut up.  [to Juney]  What can you tell us about how he got dead? JUNIPER    Aren't you suspended? GRETAL    Yesss... Show him your badge, Hansel. JUNIPER    Aawk.  I know you're good for it.  How's your uncle doing? GRETAL    [forced joviality] Hey Vic, maybe you can take a look at the vic's - uh, victim's - belongings. JUNIPER    Dr. Fell will take you through. FELL    [grumpy humph] Come on.  Moron. SOUND    FEET, DOOR SHUTS GRETAL    Pattycakes?  Even here? JUNIPER    Where else will they get to practice?  Dead folks are notoriously unbiased.  Now.  How is your uncle? GRETAL    Taking it hard, I guess.  Haven't really had a chance to check in.  JUNIPER    [squawk of sympathy]  GRETAL    [shaking it off] So?  Woodcutter? JUNIPER    Didn't die in the fire.  The other bodies found with him had inhaled smoke - not him.  GRETAL    Someone killed him and set it to hide their tracks? JUNIPER    Speculation, but sound.  When you look over his things, get a whiff and tell me if you smell-- FELL    [from off] Aw hell! GRETAL    Crap. SOUND    FEET, SLAMS OPEN DOOR GRETAL    [disgusted] Aw, Vic, what are you doing? VIC    [calm] Just wanted to see a corpse.  [shrug noise]  GRETAL    Get a good whiff and then c'mon.  we're leaving. MUSIC SOUND    IN CAR VIC    Do you mind if I smoke? GRETAL    Roll down the window.  A pipe?  VIC    Bad habit.  Picked it up while undercover with Old King Cole. SOUND    MATCH, LIGHTING GRETAL    Am I going to have to bust you on a narco tip? VIC    [laughs, then changes the subject] I've never met a coroner before.  Are they generally large birds? GRETAL    You'd be surprised.  Juniper's cousin covers the next duchy over. VIC    Juniper? GRETAL    His real name is something unpronounceable in bird talk - so we call him Juniper.  For the tree he lives in.  Don't sell him short.  He's a dab hand at spotting any kind of hanky panky. VIC    Ah.  And you call him Juney? GRETAL    [evasive] He's an old friend of the family. VIC    [knowing] Ah.  GRETAL    [quickly, covering] What did you find out?  [disgusted] Apart from it smells like barbecue. VIC    Actually, the smoke had an entirely different tang to it.  Something sickly sweet.  Can't quite put my finger on it. GRETAL    Ew.  How can you be so calm?  VIC    [defensive] Just am.  [quickly changing the subject] I found two potential clues in his stuff, though.  GRETAL    Go on. VIC    He had a white pebble stuck in his shoe, and a pocketful of bread crumbs.  GRETAL    [disdainful snort] Huh.  Toast. VIC    I don't think so.  If I'm correct, I recognize the bread - a special brand of coarse sourdough ...popular with pattycakes.  MUSIC AMB    ST. IVES, THE PATTYCAKE QUARTER SOUND    JUMPROPE RHYME LIKE CHANTING IN THE BACKGROUND, CROWD GRETAL    Figures.  St. Ives is the center of most of the city's crime. VIC    [annoyed, but quiet] And 90% of it is run by Proseys. GRETAL    [sharp] What did you say? VIC    Nothing.  Just that crime hides here, it doesn't always start here. GRETAL    So YOU say. VIC    You can think whatever you want, but let me do the talking. GRETAL    Yeah, whatever. VIC    This is my beat.  [a little down] Was.  Don't worry.  My best contact isn't someone you'll have to rhyme to. MUSIC RUMPY    You want WHAT? VIC    You know, and I know, that you know everything and everyone, Mr. Stiltskin.  RUMPY    You know I've been getting out of the game, Hansel.  Too old. SOUND    HAND SLAMMED ON TABLE GRETAL    [pissed] Look!  Can you or can't you tell us where to find this Gingerbread house? VIC    Gretal! RUMPY    [unruffled] It's not so much a question of can I, but rather will I or won't I.  What's in it for me?  GRETAL    Public spirit? RUMPY    [laughs] VIC    Same old.  I'll owe you one, and you've cashed in plenty of my markers before. RUMPY    And all you want me to do is get you to the center of operations for the biggest dope ring in town? GRETAL    Yeah.  Peanuts. RUMPY    How's your friend Wulf adjusting to his new partner there, [very deliberately, hinting something] Miss Gretal? VIC    Hmm? GRETAL    [worried, but not sure] Dunno.  Haven't had a chance to -- [breaks off, annoyed again] What are you insinuating? RUMPY    Nothing, nothing...  [thinking noise]  Tell you what, I'll make a few calls, see what I can find out.  Meet me behind the Cutlery Café in an hour. VIC    Good. SOUND    FEET, DOOR, AS THEY LEAVE HIM GRETAL    [snort] You trust him? VIC    He's very good. GRETAL    And you're not afraid he's gonna do something stupid. VIC    [oddly hollow] I'm not afraid at all.  [up]  Should we report to Shallott?  Maybe we should pick up a hand mirror to keep in touch. GRETAL    Don't work like that.  Has to be a certain size and quality.  Why d'you think bathroom mirrors are so crappy? VIC    Ah. MUSIC SOUND    ALLEY GRETAL    I see alleys are the same all over. VIC    Yes. GRETAL    Why's it called the cutlery café?  Got a lot of sharp cheddar on the menu? VIC    [slight laugh] Nah.  The dish and the spoon who run it just like alliteration. GRETAL    [annoyed sigh]  [suddenly up, gasp]   Did you hear something? SOUND    DISTANT CRUNCH OF A FOOTSTEP, VERY QUIET VIC    No...  [long sniff, then realizing] THAT's what I smelled. GRETAL    What? SOUND    ATTACK - PEOPLE RUNNING INTO ALLEY! VIC    [with horror] Gingerbread! SOUND    BIG SCUFFLE SOUND    THUMP MUSIC FADES IN AS THEY WAKE UP GINGER    EVIL CHUCKLE GRETAL    [waking up, grunt, oww!!!] VIC    [weak] Lay still.  Breathe. GINGER    I don't like cops, do I, Fleet? FLEET    [deep creepy chuckle] No, Boss. GINGER    Except ones that I own... VIC    [calm, curious] I'm guessing we're not the first ones you've... entertained here? [hinting for her name] Miss...? GRETAL    What are you--? VIC    Shh. GINGER    [pleased, superior] Just call me Ginger.  What makes you ask? VIC    Well... I assume this big metal cage isn't something you just had lying around.  GINGER    [big throaty sexy laugh]  Good point.  But I might not use it exclusively for police.  VIC    Let me guess.  Business rivals?  People who owe you money?  [very knowing] Boy toys?  Tough Cookies? GINGER    [snappish and annoyed] I'll leave you to ponder that.  Fleet? FLEET    Boss? GINGER    Did you get their weapons? FLEET    [whispered] no fingers, boss. GINGER    Damn.  Take this-- SOUND    SNATCHES UP SOMETHING FROM THE DESK, HANDS IT OVER GINGER    --and cover them while I disarm them.  [muttering to self as she crosses to he cage] ...really need to perfect that recipe.  VIC    There's always prosthetics. GINGER    What? VIC    You could make hands that mount onto their arms. GINGER    Hmm.... GRETAL    Don't help the crime boss! GINGER    Hand over your weapons.  You can’t shoot between the bars anyway.  Magic. GRETAL    Why I oughtta--! VIC    Just do it.  That frosted maniac may not have fingers, but I suspect that shotgun was made for his kind. FLEET    You bet. GRETAL    Hell. SOUND    GUN HANDED OVER GINGER    And yours. VIC    Here. GINGER    Hmph.  [insulting] Kind of... small. VIC    I spend a lot of time undercover. GINGER    Hmph.  Okay Fleet, round up the troops. FLEET    [plaintive] I don't get to kill them? GINGER    Maybe later.  Maybe just her.  [as she leaves] I might keep him around, give him a taste of the product - fatten him up a bit. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS VIC AND GRETAL    [sigh in relief] SOUND    DOOR OPENS GINGER    [from off] Leave Stumpy to guard them.  Make him earn his keep. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS ENTER GRETAL    [musing] I don't think I'll ever eat a Gingerbread man again.  [hushed, but to Vic] Nice mess we're in.  Your contact set us up. VIC    [shrug] He only promised to get us in.   And ...he did. GRETAL    Count your fingers, toes and your children? VIC    Kinda.  But he's usually a bit more ... self-serving. GRETAL    I think I can reach the lock.  Got anything I can pick it with? VIC    Nothing. GRETAL    Well Dammit. STUMPY    Shut up in there! VIC    We'll just have to wait. GRETAL    [thinks, sigh of decision, then angry] If there is ONE thing I cannot stand, it's your defeatist attitude! VIC    [baffled by the sudden attack]  What? GRETAL    It's like I have to do everything in this damn partnership! STUMPY    I said shut up!  Or I'll shut you up! VIC    [getting it] Oh!  [angry sounding, but not too convincing]  Oh yeah?  Well, if you would just take a minute to think instead of running ahead like a... like a ... GRETAL    Bull in a china shop? VIC    No, a-- GRETAL    Giant round of cheese, rolling downhill and crushing all in my path? VIC    No!  a -- STUMPY    [very close] Juggernaut of disaster? VIC    No!  GRETAL    Who cares?  I'm going to kill you, and there's nothing this - this one-armed bandit can do to stop me! SOUND    SCUFFLE VIC    [not very convincing in pain] Ow!  Ow!  Ow! STUMPY    Boss said to take care of him.  SOUND    CAGE DOOR UNLOCKS STUMPY    Not you. GRETAL    [whisper] On three! VIC    [whisper] right! [up] Ow!  You're killing me!! GRETAL    I'm going to tear you in three - One, Two, Three! SOUND    GUNSHOT, CRACKING OF BROKEN GINGERBREAD GRETAL    What?  Where'd you get a gun? VIC    I never gave it up.  Is it "dead"? GRETAL    Not sure where to look for a pulse on a Gingerbread man.  But he has gone all floppy.  VIC    Seems logical.  All the same, let's lock him in. SOUND    FEET, CAGE DOOR LOCKS SOUND    BIG DOOR OPENING SLOWLY SOUND    DISTANT GUNSHOTS VIC    What do you think that is? WULF    [DISTANT ATTACK ROAR] GRETAL    [chuckle, very pleased] The cavalry. MUSIC SOUND    BIG OVEN FIRE, CLOSE SOUND    [OFF] FOOTSTEPS COMING GINGER    Damn.  Fleet!  Keep them back! FLEET    Right.  Men! SOUND    SHOTGUNS COCK MUSIC CUT TO    OUT IN HALL GRETAL    Do you still hear Wulf back there?  VIC    No. WULF    [DISTANT GROWLY ROAR] VIC    Yes.  Still far, though. GRETAL    Damn.  We may have that witch nailed down in the baking room, but with just us, and just your gun, we don't have a hope of taking her in. VIC    I see. GRETAL    How did you get your gun back anyway? VIC    Later.  Did you see how many of her gingerbread minions she has with her? GRETAL    Half a dozen maybe.  They all kinda look alike. VIC    Take the gun.  I have an idea. MUSIC OVEN ROOM GINGER    Did you see how many of them there were? FLEET    No, boss.  Just heard guns, and rushed you in here, as per evacuation plan 7-- SOUND    SPRINKLERS COME ON FLEET    Noooooooooo! OTHER GB MEN    [horrified reaction]  Not the sprinklers! GINGER    Damn!  I knew there was a reason I meant to have those replaced! SOUND    FLOPS AND SPLASHES AS THE MEN FALL APART SOUND    DOOR KICKED IN GRETAL    Hands up!  You're under arrest, witch! GINGER    Never! SOUND    OPENS HUGE OVEN GINGER    You'll never take me alive, coppers! VIC    Here comes Wulf! GRETAL    Step away from the oven! GINGER    [laughs maniacally, then screams as she steps into the oven] GRETAL    Oh crap!  I can't believe she -- VIC    Don't get too close! SOUND    FIRE WHOOSHES UP MUSIC SOUND    BAR VIC    How did you happen to show up at the right moment, anyway? WULF    A snitch.  VIC    [knowing] Should I guess his name? WULF    Slipped a word to us. GRETAL    Us?  Oh, right, your new partner. WULF    Gander's a well made sword.  Cut a righteous swath of his own against those crusty fellows. GRETAL    Where is he? VIC    Here he comes. GANDER    Thought I'd grab drinks for all us here; Hope everybody wants a beer. SOUND    SETTING DOWN DRINKS WULF    Sit down!  You're a warrior, not a wife! GRETAL    [a little brusque] Beer's good.  Thanks. VIC    How are you finding detective work? GANDER    Oh... The work is interesting, fine. And they'll get used to me in time. VIC    I'm sure they will. GRETAL    [Gulps down her beer] We gotta get going.  SOUND    THEY WALK AWAY CAPTAIN    Just the two I was looking for. GRETAL    Oh boy. CApTAIN    They got the oven shut down. GRETAL    And? VIC    May I guess? CAPTAIN    Uh, sure. VIC    No body.  CAPTAIn    They think maybe it was hot enough-- GRETAL    To destroy the corpse?  Nah.  It was her escape route.  Shoulda known.  She went in too easily. CAPTAIn    Watch your back, Gretal.  Hansel, you too.  Oh, and... SOUND    METAL CLINK CAPTAIN    You probably need this. GRETAL    Always a pleasure.  Feel naked without it. MUSIC AMB    CAR VIC    You need to cut that guy some slack. GRETAL    Who? VIC    The new guy. GRETAL    Who died and made you wise woman? VIC    He just walks up and you start edging toward the door. GRETAL    [growls] My problem, not yours. VIC    We are partners now.  Su problemo es mi problemo. GRETAL    Whatever.  [changing the subject] So?  The gun?  How'd you still have it when we were locked up? VIC    Oh that.  I never gave it up. GRETAL    But that witchy boss chick? VIC    Gave her my pipe instead. GRETAL    And she couldn’t tell the difference? VIC    I noticed she was very nearsighted.  [tsks]  These vain women - afraid glasses will ruin their looks. *****************************

Paul and Donna are hired by Prince Waldo Charming to find his lost love - his only clue?  A shoe. Cast List Donna Bella - Julie Hoverson Paul Bette - Joel Harvey Goldy Taylor - Rhys Torres-Miller Prince Waldo - Morgan Brown Alexander - Will Watt Rumplestiltskin - Philemon Vanderbeck Miss Barbara - Robert Cudmore (YAP Audio) Espadrille - Reynaud LeBoeuf Music by  Somewhere Off Jazz Street      Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Julie Hoverson "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a private detective's office in a time sort of like the 1940s, can't you tell?" ******************************************** PUMPS AND SPECTATORS - B&B Investigates, episode 2 Cast: Announcer Donna Bella Paul Bette Goldy Tailor - secretary Prince Waldo Charming Baron Alexander/Cindy Espadrille gruff "stepsister" Barbara, housemother/fairy godmother OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a Detective Agency, can't you tell?  MUSIC Scene 1.    SOUND    PHONE RINGS, PICKS UP GOLDY    B&B Investigations, may I help you?  [beat, then turns belligerent]  Look, it ain't gonna happen.  ... No.  Because the boss don't help no one find tarts.  Nope.  Never. SOUND    HANGS UP DONNA    Another missing good time girl? GOLDY    Nahhh.  Queen of hearts.  Ya know. DONNA    Oh.  Patticakes.  Well, if anything real comes in, I can handle it.  [annoyed] Just 'cause Paul's not back from the enchanted brute convention as early as he was supposed to be doesn't mean the office shuts down.  He may be off doing who knows what with his furred and fanged cronies, but I'm sure he knows he can trust me to take on whatever-- MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER Scene 2.    GOLDY    Man, she had it bad.  A case of sea green envy for what the boss might be getting up to with his old college chums.  So what they were mostly frogs, bears, and the occasional walrus - she'd heard the sort of thing they used to get up to-- DONNA    What are you doing? GOLDY    Filling in.  The boss should be back any minute, and then -- DONNA    Look, I don't need anyone else horning in on my - our voiceovers. GOLDY    I just figured you might not want to be the one pouring your heart out in a narrative conceit.... DONNA    So you thought you'd pour it out for me?  [sarcastic] Thanx. Scene 3.    SOUND    DOOR OPENS, JINGLE OF BELL MUSIC ENDS ALEXANDER    Pardon the interruption, ladies.  May I announce Prince Waldo Charming? SOUND    STRIDES REGALLY IN, FOLLOWED BY AN ENDLESS ENTOURAGE. DONNA     Did you have to bring the whole box of toy soldiers?  The office is only so big. ALEXANDER    [consults with the prince, then]  Atten-hut!  About face!  March. SOUND     ENDLESS FEET LEAVE AGAIN ALEXANDER    The prince apologizes for the intrusion, but he prefers to keep this as informal and ‑ahem- low-profile as possible. DONNA    Sure.  I can see that.  Why don't you step into the office over here? MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER Scene 4.    DONNA    So this was the infamous prince Waldo - the biggest royal catch of the last eight fishing seasons, and far too wily to let himself get hooked.  Every princess, rich society dame, screen siren, and various other lesser gold diggers had set their bait for him, and he swam serenely past them all.  I'm not among the anglers myself, since I already had my own trophy in sight- my own partner, Paul Bette, away now drinking with his cronies and doing whatever they please in the name of "old times". GOLDY    [side of the mouth] You're staring. DONNA    Huh?  GOLDY    [side of the mouth] He's about to get a restraining order. DONNA    Oh, um--  Office, right. MUSIC OUT Scene 5.    SOUND    OFFICE DOOR CLOSES DONNA    Well?  What can I do for you? PRINCE    Coffee? DONNA    Certainly. SOUND    CLICK OF INTERCOM GOLDY     A package just came for you. DONNA    Busy now.  Goldy?  Three coffees, please?  One too hot, and two just right?  Yes. SOUND    INTERCOM OUT DONNA    So, what brings you to a private investigator? PRINCE    I don't think we need to discuss it until he arrives.  DONNA    [barely polite]  What?  [exasperated noise]  He is due back soon, but I can help you just as well.  My name's on the door too.  Well, my initial, anyway. PRINCE    [bland, disinterested] Oh?  Lovely.  I hope you don't mind, but I find this is really a masculine sort of problem. DONNA    There are potions for that, you know. ALEXANDER    [incensed]  Young lady, what are you intimating? DONNA    That maybe he doesn't live up to his name? ALEXANDER    What's wrong with Waldo? DONNA    I meant Charming. PRINCE    I'll have you know-- SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN PAUL    Coffee?  Donna?  Why don't you let me deal with these good gentlemen.  DONNA    What? PAUL    [muttered] Go to voiceover. Scene 6.    MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER DONNA    [spitting words] So I left the boys to it. PAUL    [vo] What Donna didn't know was that I'd been listening on the intercom and knew she'd been about to scratch the eyes out of a very powerful prince-- DONNA    It wasn't his eyes I'd be aiming for-- PAUL    And it wouldn't do us any good to get on his wrong side. DONNA    Does he have a right one? PAUL    So rather than subject her to more of the prince's royaler-than-thou attitude, I decided to step in and let her off the hook. DONNA    [softening] Oh! PAUL    Scoot. DONNA    Leave the intercom on.  [blows him a kiss] VOICEOVER MUSIC FADES Scene 7.    DONNA    I'll just scoot then and go get my nails done or something, shall I? PRINCE    While nothing could possibly enhance your already considerable beauty, I'm certain that's precisely what you need.  [kisses her hand] SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, DOOR Scene 8.    DONNA    Yup.  Definitely need to get my nails sharpened. GOLDY    Come on.  Let's hear what they have to say-- PRINCE    [on intercom]  Bit of a temper, has she, that girl? PAUL    [on intercom, fading to normal voice halfway through]  You don't know the half of it.  She's passionate about everything. PRINCE    Ah.  Well, then.  Let me get down to the problem at hand.  I think you will understand, Mr., um-- PAUL    Bette.  Paul Bette.  Just call me Paul if you like. PRINCE    Paul.  Quite.  And you may call me Prince Charming. PAUL    Charmed.  [waits for a laugh, nothing]  Ah.  Your case? PRINCE    Well, I have a passing acquaintance with an old school chum of yours, Prince Freddie Grenouille, and he says you are top of the line - both for cleverness and for ... ahem... discretion. PAUL    Absolutely.  Anything you say won't leave this room. PRINCE    Good.  I'm sorry to take so long to come to the point here, but this is a very delicate and stressful situation, and I am truly truly desperate. PAUL    Go on. Scene 9.    MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER PAUL    I'd seen it all, from paternity suits to clearing up the occasional "carriage under the influence" charge.  And the royals were often the worst.  They could get away with pretty much anything, as long as they were willing to risk the occasional fairy charm or gypsy curse.  MUSIC CHANGES DONNA    But Charming had never been a "bad boy" - at least not in any way that made it into the scandal rags-- PAUL    Hey, what's with the-- DONNA    My new voiceover music just arrived by special messenger.  I'm trying out a couple of different pieces.  What do you think? PAUL    Um... DONNA    You don't like it.  PAUL    It's a little ... perky. DONNA    Fine.  Go ahead and finish up.  PAUL    Are you ...annoyed? DONNA    [snapping] No.  VOICEOVER MUSIC CHANGES BACK TO NORMAL PAUL    Charming did have a nearly spotless record.  He was an athlete - Greco-roman wrestling, fencing, and polo, a supporter of the arts - even acted in a few charity plays from time to time.  A general bon vivant.  No dark side, or so everyone thought... VOICEOVER MUSIC OUT Scene 10.    PRINCE    [vibrant] So when I danced with her last night, it was like we'd known each other for ever! PAUL    Did you happen to catch her name? PRINCE    Only Cindy.  When I asked her last name, she merely smiled and changed the subject - she was so alluring! PAUL    And you want me to-- PRINCE    [desperate] Find her.  I must see her again.  You can't possibly understand the pressure a thirty-uh-something prince is under to find a bride.  PAUL    I can see that would be awkward. PRINCE    Women are constantly being shoved at me from all sides, and - frankly?  I can't stand most of them.  They're such insipid little birds.  They tell me how fascinating I am, and then proceed to show they know nothing at all about me.  They profess to like all the things I like, then don't even know how to spell jai-alai, let alone play it.  PRINCE    [continued] I've spent years carefully keeping clear of marriage, since it would mean I'd have to spend my entire life with  a silly little twit, and would be obligated to listen to her chirp. PAUL    And this Cindy? PRINCE    [raptured] Completely different.  She dressed marvelously, but didn't feel compelled to give me the names of all her tailors.  She danced like a dream, but didn't demand I take her for one more spin around the floor, or suggest we walk out on the balcony.  And when she said she liked the things I like, she - she actually did! PAUL    Can you give me a description? PRINCE    About my height - in heels - long glossy dark chestnut hair - a few shades darker than your young lady's auburn - rather like Alexander's here - huge luminous eyes, and long artist's fingers on very strong hands. PAUL    Hmm.  Alexander, was it? ALEXANDER    [slightly panicky] Sir? PAUL    Can you add anything? ALEXANDER    I wasn't--  I was with a sick friend last night. PAUL    Ah.  That's awkward.  [to prince] Do you have any other clue to her identity? PRINCE    Oh, yes.  Alexander, the bag. ALEXANDER    Sir. SOUND    BAG PLOPPED ONTO DESK, SOMETHING PULLED OUT PAUL    A... shoe. PRINCE    She ran away at the stroke of midnight, and left it behind. PAUL    Can I keep this? PRINCE    But - she'll need it, when I find her again. PAUL    I mean to go over it for clues.  I'll get it back to you. PRINCE    [sigh of relief] Well, yes, then.  I thought-- nevermind. PAUL    I have my own female troubles - I have no plans to try and horn in on yours. ALEXANDER    You think any woman would throw over [too warm] such a Charming price, for a big brute of a private eye? PAUL    [chastened] No.  [tries to chuckle]  Course not.  But I do have to warn you, sire-- PRINCE    Yes? PAUL    This girl.  If she deliberately made herself such a mystery, there may very well be a good reason. PRINCE    like what? PAUL    She could be anything - a commoner, a ghost, a transformed hedgehog-- ALEXANDER    Nonsense! PAUL    The point is, you need to face reality and understand that there could be something very shady about her. PRINCE    I don't care.  She's the only woman I've ever felt this way about, and I plan to marry her - come what may.  You find her for me.  I shall handle the rest. Scene 11.    MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER PAUL    Chauvinist or not, Charming was determined, in that way that only princes in love can be.  It was that particular brand of love that drives one to climb unclimbable mountains and fight unkillable dragons, and what do they get at the end?  Married. MUSIC CHANGES DONNA    Like Charming said, most princesses were simpering idiots with more hair than brains, and I should know - I may not be one myself, but I went to the same prep school. PAUL    This?  You decided on this? DONNA    Give me a break.  I can't tell how they're gonna sound until I try them out. PAUL    This is awful. DONNA    Fine.  Let me see the shoe, and we'll go on from there. MUSIC OUT Scene 12.    SOUND    SHOE SET ON DESK PAUL    There. DONNA    Nice. SOUND    HE SITS IN CHAIR PAUL    Do you think it's a little... large? DONNA    A bit bigger than mine. PAUL    Really, I guess I never really-- DONNA    Look at my feet? PAUL    [leering a bit] I never make it down that far... SOUND    SHE SITS UP ON DESK DONNA    Really? PAUL    Really.  [slight growl] DONNA    Question.  When I left, did the prince and his friend -uh- make it down that far? PAUL    What do you mean? DONNA    What were they looking at? PAUL    They just watched you leave. DONNA    I didn't hear you growl-- PAUL    Well, of course--  [suddenly worried] Oh-- you actually notice when I do that? DONNA    [dreamy]  Of course I do.  I don't mind when you-- um, get annoyed on my behalf. PAUL    [deep breath]  I think we're getting a bit off track here. DONNA    Right.  Shoe. PAUL    No, left.  Shoe.  Anything? DONNA    It's a Dolce-geppeto.  They're pricey, but not extortionate.  Too bad she didn't mention her dressmaker - that would have been a much better clue.  PAUL    Well, how many places sell these shoes? DONNA    Assuming she's local, maybe six of the big boutiques downtown. PAUL    You wanna take those, then?  Go ask questions? DONNA    Um... No.  PAUL    You don't want to go shopping for shoes?  I mean, [scared] you're going to leave me to hit all these fancy ladies' shoe shops? DONNA    I have some ideas of my own to follow up on, and the shoe isn't going anywhere.  Tell you what, if you don't get a hit on the shoe in 24 hours, I'll take it.  PAUL    But - but how do I even ask? DONNA    Here. SOUND    INTERCOM BEEP DONNA    Goldy, could you come in here? SOUND    DOOR GOLDY    Yeah? DONNA    Take this to Rose & Snow's and ask for the style number.  Then ask them if they have any record of someone buying this shoe in this size in the last two weeks. GOLDY    I don't do legwork.  I ain't as young as I used to be. DONNA    Buy yourself a pair of shoes - on the office - while you're there. GOLDY    Gimme that! SOUND    SNATCH, DOOR SLAMS PAUL    [brightening] So I could just send her round to every store? DONNA    Not at a pair of shoes per trip.  We'd run through our entire commission. PAUL    What? DONNA    I said they weren't cheap.  One pair we can add in as a legitimate expense - past that...  [shrug]  Once you get the style nunmber, you can phone the rest.  Well, I'm heading out. SOUND    JUMPS DOWN OFF DESK DONNA    Need anything? PAUL    [a bit lost, watching her]  Um, no... DONNA    Chow! Scene 13.    MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER PAUL    Wo.  [deep breath]  I thought over the content of our discussion and realized there was something she was keeping back - that secret smile, the strange questions - but while we were talking I couldn't take my eyes off her, sitting on my desk like that, one silk-seamed leg crossed over the other.  [growl]  She doesn't even seem to notice the effect she has on me, and I'm not sure whether that makes it worse or better - if I tell her, she might just stop, and then I won't even get this much of a-- MUSIC CHANGES AGAIN DONNA    What is this, a beer garden?  They sent me the wrong box, I'm sure of it. PAUL    It's not so bad - for a polka. DONNA    Hmph.  You done yet? PAUL    Uh, yeah - I'll talk to a few folks while I'm waiting for Goldy to get back. DONNA    [beat] There are things men just don't see, and which it's probably better they don't.  A picture was painting itself in my head, and while it wasn't a particularly tricky answer to the problem of find the girl, it also wasn't likely to have the happiest of endings.  Why?  I added up a size 11 shoe, a lady who could spell jai alai and a prince who didn't stare at my backside as I left the room, and I got a very queer answer indeed. MUSIC     STARTS TO FADE DONNA    And it was an answer I wasn't sure my wonderful he-man partner would be at all happy about, which is why I went alone to a boarding house we used to rather snottily call Gamma Alpha Ypsilon, back in my own sorority days.  SOUND    FEET ON PORCH, KNOCK ON DOOR Scene 14.    ESPADRILLE    Yes? DONNA    Hi, I'm a P.I. and I'm-- SOUND     DOOR SLAM DONNA    [sigh] SOUND    KNOCK ON DOOR DONNA    I'm not going away.  You can talk to me, or you can talk to my partner, and he ain't gonna understand. SOUND    DOOR FLUNG OPEN BARBARA    What do you want? DONNA    I'm looking for someone, and I think she might be known here. BARBARA    For this you come around annoying my girls?  Scaring poor Espadrille half to death? DONNA    I have no interest in making trouble for anybody.  Please.  I just have some questions and would rather not shout them to the entire world.  Can we talk? BARBARA    [deciding] You tell me what you need, I decide if I'll ask anyone else.  Come on - my parlor's over here. MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER Scene 15.    DONNA    So I outlined the problem, and Miss Barbara was very upset by the whole situation - she said she was sure Cindy wasn't one of her ...boarders, but that she would ask around.  She didn't give me much hope, though. Scene 16.    MUSIC OUT BARBARA    Tell the poor boy it will never work.  Two worlds, all that.  He would have to be willing and able to take her as she is - warts and all, as they say - and the chances of that are - pfft! DONNA    You might be surprised. BARBARA    Honey, I ain't been surprised in years. VOICEOVER MUSIC CUTS IN Scene 17.    PAUL    Were you using the old music again? DONNA    I ...forgot.  Sorry.  But the new stuff is pretty cringe-worthy. PAUL    Keep trying, sweetheart.  You'll find something. DONNA    I hope so.  Did you need the voiceover? PAUL    Only if you're finished.  DONNA    [sigh] Yeah, I guess so.  I need to think. PAUL    So I checked with the photographers from last night's big bash - and found that the mystery just deepened.  This Cindy was a slick sister - seemed to always know where the snappers were and managed to keep her back to them all night.  Only once did they catch half a profile, head and shoulders with just a glimpse of the side of her face - I told him to blow it up and send it over, along with a dozen of the dress, figuring maybe Donna could play name that dressmaker.  Then I decided to catch up with an old friend... MUSIC OUT Scene 18.    SOUND    BANGING ON A DOOR RUMPY    [muffled, hung over] Bugger off! SOUND    CLINKING OF COINS PAUL    One, two, three-- SOUND    DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN RUMPY    If it ain't me old pal, Bette.  Git yourself inside here - that daylight's too damn bright. SOUND    SHUFFLING FEET PAUL    It's dark out. SOUND    A COUPLE OF STEPS RUMPY    Then what am I doing asleep?  SOUND    BONK PAUL    Ow! RUMPY     [amused] Gotta watch them rafters, you old beanstalk you. PAUL    [strained, cause he's bending over]  I need you to find out about someone for me.  A woman. RUMPY    Your sweet partner?  She running around with other ...dicks? PAUL    What?  What do you--? RUMPY    Nothing.  Just wondering maybe she plying her trade - and I do mean detecting, no offense, [sarcastic] my friend - elsewhere. PAUL    Of course she's not.  She wouldn't-- RUMPY     You're probably right.  So who did you want me to check over? SOUND    CORK OUT OF JUG PAUL    [musing] There wouldn't be time, anyway - though she didn't want to take on the shoe-- RUMPY    [gulping, then] Whazzat? PAUL    Nothing.  Um.  Right.  A woman who was spotted at the Prince's June Glam ball last night.  No one seems to know who she was, and she didn't, apparently, have an invite. RUMPY    [way sarcastic] Yeah, one look at me, and you just know I'm up on the society pages.  PAUL    I don't think this dame's "society."  I think she's working an angle on the prince, and I want to know if there's a whisper anywhere.  RUMPY    What's in it for me? PAUL    This, now-- SOUND    CLINK OF TWO COINS PAUL    And twice that if you can deliver. RUMPY    C'mon, Bette, old buddy, old pal - I'm gonna haveta drink around for this, maybe float some people.  Play the game. PAUL    Keep your receipts. SOUND    A COUPLE STEPS, THEN SOUND    BONK! PAUL    Ow! MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER Scene 19.    PAUL    I started the wheels in motion, but nothing would turn up for a couple of days - if ever.  [beat]  Donna?  Are you there?  [beat, then worried]  I figured she just didn't like the case - she certainly didn't seem to take a shine to that prince.  He was handsome, in that tall, cold, blonde princely sort of way, and she always says she hates those guys.  [beat]  Donna? DONNA    Busy now.  I'll fill in my part later. PAUL    Where are you?  Maybe I can come by and help? DONNA    Nope.  Just interviewing the prince's friend.  You go ahead and keep the--  Oops, gotta go! PAUL    The friend?  Dark haired, willowy, handsome, not so tall.  Not a good train of thought to catch, since like any other express, it runs non-stop.  [up]  I'll just go back to the office then, shall I? DONNA    [chuckling breaks off] Hmm?  Oh, sure.  See you in a bit. PAUL    [growls] MUSIC OUT Scene 20.    SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN HARD GOLDY    I see someone's in a bright and shiny mood. PAUL    No calls. SOUND    STOMPING FEET, OFFICE DOOR YANKS OPEN, THEN SLAMS VOICEOVER MUSIC - new tune, not too bad. GOLDY    What did she do? DONNA    What? GOLDY    Oops - I'll get out of-- DONNA    Wait, what did who do? [waits a second]  Goldy?  Chicken.  Fine.  Music hold. SOUND    MUSIC CUTS SUDDENLY SOUND    TELEPHONE RINGS GOLDY    B&B Investigations, how may--  DONNA    [filter] What were you saying? GOLDY    Oh.  Boss is kind of upset is all.  Figured, um... DONNA    [filter, warning] What? GOLDY    Well, when he starts slamming doors, he's usually annoyed... um... with-- you? DONNA    [filter, long breath to get her composure back] I am in the middle of something, but-- Soon as I'm back, we're going to have a-- GOLDY    Oops - call coming in.  buh-Bye! SOUND    PHONE HANGS UP Scene 21.    ALEXANDER    Were you finished with me?  DONNA    Not quite, but I don't think we can talk here.  I need you to come to my suite at the Andersen Arms.  Tonight at 7 p.m.  Alone. ALEXANDER    Really, miss Bella, I don't think-- DONNA    Sweetie, you're not my type.  But we need to talk somewhere a bit more private.  ALEXANDER    [cautious and concerned] Talk? SOUND    SCRIBBLING A NOTE ON PAPER DONNA    It's regarding the welfare of the prince, and you know how people leap on-- SOUND    HANDING PAPER OVER ALEXANDER    Hmm?  [reads, gasps, the a bit frightened] Yes, of course.  I'll-- I'll be there. Scene 22.    NEW MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER - KIND OF ROMANCEY DONNA     Now to figure out how to tell Paul I wanted to handle a denouement on my own.  GOLDY    You want I should tell him? DONNA    Will you stop jumping in on the voiceovers?  We have enough trouble sharing them as it is. GOLDY    Fine.  I was gonna tell you where the boss is.  But since you obviously have everything well in hand-- DONNA    Where is he?  [beat]  Goldy?  Hold. Scene 23.    MUSIC CUTS OUT SOUND    PHONE RINGS DONNA    Come on... PAUL    [on phone] Hello? DONNA    Oh, drat. PAUL    [on phone] What?  Donna? DONNA    Paul, I-- PAUL    [on phone] I've found Cindy. DONNA    You have?  Where? PAUL    [on phone] Well, a good solid lead.  Should have my hands on her by this evening, but she's a tough cookie to nail down.  DONNA    Crumbs! PAUL    [on phone] What? DONNA    If you nailed down a cookie.  Nevermind. PAUL    [on phone] Why are we talking on the phone?  Why don't you just come on into the office? DONNA    I - I've got a terrible headache.  Think I'll go home and lie down.  Be fresh in the morning.  Bye! PAUL    [on phone] Donna?  [normal]  Donna? SOUND    HANGS UP THE PHONE PAUL    Damn.  Headache, my eye. SOUND    PHONE RINGS, keeps ringing PAUL    Goldy?  You wanna get this? GOLDY    [off] Nah - it's probably her again. PAUL    But it's your job to answer the phone... GOLDY    [off] I'm on my break. SOUND    PHONE PICKED UP PAUL    [sighs, then tries to mimic Goldy's voice] B&B Investigations, how can I help you? GOLDY    [off] Oy... RUMPY    [on phone]  You got a cold, Bette?  Or just drinking alum? PAUL    [normal]  Stuff it.  What you got, Rumpy? RUMPY    [on phone]  [chuckles]  What you got for me? PAUL    I'll meet you tomorrow. RUMPY    [on phone]  Nuh-uh.  [sighs]  My expense account musta grown from magic beans - it's just about sky level now. PAUL    We didn't-- RUMPY    [on phone]  Oh, it'll be worth it.  Bring your wallet to the Andersen Arms right away.  I'm in the lobby. SOUND    PHONE HANGS UP Scene 24.    MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER - STILL THE LAST MUSIC DONNA WAS USING, ROMANTIC PAUL    What the--?  This is... Donna's music?  [gulps]  The Andersen Arms was a classic old building on Mermaid street, and Donna had lived there for-- RUMPY    Did you bring the clinkage? PAUL    I'm not there yet.  This is still the voiceover. RUMPY    [chuckles] Nice grooves.  You going soft, pal.  PAUL    It's Donna's new music. RUMPY    So she's going soft? Hmmm... PAUL    Look, I'll be there in a second! RUMPY    No skin off my nose. PAUL    [sigh] Fine.  I arrived.  Done. MUSIC FADES OUT Scene 25.    RUMPY    Took you long enough.  Cross my palm, and I'll tell you all. SOUND    COINS CLINK RUMPY    That's what I'm talking about.  I've got one interesting tidbit-- PAUL    Shh.  Hide! RUMPY    What? PAUL    That fellow, who just skulked in.  I know him. RUMPY    Friend of yours? PAUL    A client.  RUMPY    Hmm.  Is this a consultation? PAUL    Hold that thought.  I'll be back to get my coins' worth. SOUND    STORMS IN THROUGH REVOLVING DOOR RUMPY    [going off] I'll start you an account. ORIGINAL VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS PAUL    Nope.  [beat]  Go away.  [beat] I'm not saying anything. MUSIC ENDS IN A HUFF Scene 26.    SOUND    ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN SOUND    HEAVY STRIDES, KNOCKING ON A DOOR DONNA    [off]  Huh?  Hello? PAUL    Open up. DONNA    [dramatic gasp] Paul?  SOUND    DOOR OPENS, HE PUSHES IN DONNA    What?  What's wrong with you? PAUL    It's highly unprofessional, you know. DONNA    Well, I should say so! PAUL    To just waltz in here like this-- DONNA    Ye-e-es. PAUL    And--  What? DONNA    Are you apologizing? PAUL    What?  No.  Where is he?  I saw him in the lobby-- DONNA    [gasp]  You came here because--  You thought - [gasp]! PAUL    What am I supposed to think? DONNA    I solved the case, but you're not going to like the answer. PAUL    What makes you think I won't? SOUND    WATER RUNS IN THE BATHROOM PAUL    [growls] DONNA    That's why.  Look, I was about to do the big unveil, but-- PAUL    [plaintive] Without me? DONNA    [softening] You'll understand.  Can you keep quiet? PAUL    Of course I can.  SOUND    BLOWDRYER RUNS PAUL    [growls] DONNA    Hmm? PAUL    [sheepish] O-k. SOUND    KNOCK ON THE DOOR DONNA    That will be the prince. SOUND    FEET, DOOR OPENS Scene 27.    DONNA    Come in, your royal highness. SOUND    HESITANT FOOTSTEPS PAUL    No entourage? DONNA    Ssh.  Thank you for coming alone. PRINCE    [upset] I haven't much choice.  Alexander is nowhere to be found. PAUL    Your pal from the office? PRINCE    We've been chums since childhood.  I feel rather exposed without him along. DONNA    It must have been awkward, then, that he couldn't make it to the ball. PRINCE    It was the first he ever missed.  Too bad,  I think he'll like Cindy. DONNA    They probably have a lot in common. PAUL    [suspicious]  They do...? DONNA    You better have a seat, sire.  This is likely to get a little awkward. PRINCE    But have you found my Cindy? DONNA    Yes. PAUL    [quiet] Yes? PRINCE    Where is she? SOUND    DOOR OPENS, HEAVY FOOTSTEPS BARBARA    Right here.  Come on out, honey. SOUND    SLOW BARE FOOTSTEPS SOUND    CHAIR ALMOST TOPPLES AS PRINCE SPRINGS UP PRINCE    Darling! CINDY    [vexed] Oh, dear!  Why did you bring him here? DONNA    Hold on!  Sorry I didn't warn you, Cindy.  Sit down, your highness. PRINCE    But my darling, don't you want--? I thought we-- we clicked. PAUL    [musing quietly, gets it] Like they'd known each other for years.  [groan, gets it]  Oh. DONNA    Shh.  PRINCE    But you're the only woman I've ever loved. CINDY    And you're about to despise me. PRINCE    That could never happen. CINDY    Yes it can.  [voice lowers to Alexander, then ruefully]  I'm just lucky you're a bit nearsighted, Waldo. PRINCE    What?  Alexander? BARBARA    She prefers Cindy when she's all dolled up. CINDY    [Cindy again] I really do. PRINCE    But... is it a spell? CINDY    No.  It's just-- BARBARA    Go on, hon.  There's no going back now. CINDY    I could probably spin you a grand story about being enchanted, or cursed, but none of it is true.  Unless you count love as some kind of magic. PRINCE    Love? CINDY    I never meant it to be more than one night.  One chance to dance... with you.  But you - you just had to [wistful] go all manly and try and find me!  Barbara convinced me it's better to let you know, rather than leave you searching forever. BARBARA    Trust me, he'd eventually find some clue to who you are.  The higher the hopes, the harder the fall, and all that. CINDY    Don't worry, I've already - I mean Alexander has already - applied for a quest permit, and I plan to absent myself from court for a decade or so. PRINCE    I say - I'm the prince here.  Don't I get any say? CINDY    Yes.  [deep breath, bracing herself]  BARBARA    [comforting] I'm right here. DONNA    Me too. CINDY    Go ahead. PRINCE    I-- I suppose I never thought about you that way, Alexander. CINDY    [wilting] Of course. PRINCE    Until I saw you at the ball. CINDY    [startled, perking up a bit] Oh? PRINCE    Perhaps there is some magic.  To love. CINDY    But you don't want me.  I mean you want this-- the surface-- when underneath, I'm-- PRINCE    My best friend?  What's so wrong?  I've met far too many beautiful girls I can't stand to be near.  You do something to me. CINDY    [gasps ecstatically] [their voices fade for a bit] Scene 28.    DONNA    I wish it could work for them. PAUL    Really?  It seems an odd match.  Really odd. DONNA    What's wrong with an odd match?  Love's all that matters.  Though I do have one concern.  Babs? BARBARA    [sniffling a bit at the romantic moment]  What?  Yes?  Oh, go on - I'm all verklempt. DONNA    I get choked up too.  But, what about when they're supposed to--you know-- have kids? BARBARA    Oh that's a piece of cake.  There's always a baby in a peach pit, or I have this deal with the marsh king.  You'd be surprised how often these kinds of things happen. PRINCE    [fading back in] But how will it ever work? PAUL    [clears throat]  May I? DONNA    What?  Really? PAUL    I'm not one to stand in the way of true love.  You said Alexander applied for a quest permit - no reason he shouldn't go, disappearing from court, about the same time Prince Charming-- PRINCE    Oh, you can call me Waldo. PAUL    Thank you, your highness.  [back to the point] At the same time that Waldo meets Alexander's distant cousin Cindy, who sneaked into town to surprise him and ran into the prince instead.  DONNA    Oh, and, if you can, you should do a little bit of almost being seen together, which will take a little quick change action, but we can help with that, right Barbara? BARBARA    Quick change is practically my middle name. PAUL    Alexander can send a letter now and then, eventually rescue a damsel in distress, and settle down in a kingdom far far away.  PRINCE    There's only one thing left to do! DONNA    Oh? PRINCE    I hope you remembered to bring that shoe.  It will have to do until we can get rings... BARBARA    [choked up] I'll start planning the reception! Scene 29.    OLD VOICEOVER MUSIC PAUL    So, the prince found his true love.  DONNA    Love's funny that way. PAUL    And all Alexander's-- DONNA    --Cindy's-- PAUL    --years of devotion paid off. DONNA    Waldo better appreciate all he's-- she's done. PAUL    There's just not enough pronouns-- DONNA    --Particularly since some of your friends are definitely "it"s. PAUL    Hah. Hah. DONNA    Speaking of those, how was the enchanted beasts reunion? PAUL    [down] Fine.  Every year there's less of us left - too many with their curses broken, or married with better things to do. DONNA    [hopeful]  It's in the air.  Love, I mean. PAUL    [growls, close] Yeah... [backing off] I mean, they make a cute couple... GOLDY    [exasperated] Oh, shut up and kiss her already. PAUL & DONNA    What? GOLDY    You heard me.  Think quick - I'm on double overtime just to be in this voiceover. CLOSING  

A secretary is plagued by premonitions or voices in her head... part 2 of 2

The Close Shave - (B&B Investigations, #3) The latest case involves one of Donna's old classmates - wed to a mysterious stranger, left destitute... now her life is in danger! Written and produced by Julie Hoverson  Cast List Paul Bette  - Joel Harvey Donna Bella  - Julie Hoverson Goldy Tailor  - Crystal Thomson Captain OftheGuard - Reynaud LeBoeuf Rumplestiltskin  - Philomen Vanderbeck Mrs. Edwina Beard - Rhys TM Mr. Beard - Benjamin Lind Mr. Rexmusson - H. Keith Lyons Mulva - Katharine D. Clark Frederick - Cary Ayers Thug - Danar Hoverson Music by  Somewhere off Jazz Street Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's 1940s detective agency... with a twist, can't you tell?" *********************************************** The Close Shave Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Paul Bette Donna Bella Goldy Tailor Captain OftheGuard Mrs. Edwina Beard Mr. Beard Mr. Rexmusson, Edwina's father Rumplestiltskin thug Frederick, the butler Mulva, the new wife OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's the office of a private eye, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND     DOOR OPENS GOLDY    B&B Investigations, how may I --[cuts off in disgust]  Sorry.  We don't need no cleaning staff. EDWINA    [very posh sounding, correcting her]  Any cleaning staff. GOLDY    [puzzled] Any cleaning staff, what? EDWINA    [dismissive mutter] I'm surprised you don't rhyme.  [up] I am here to hire a private investigator.  I have heard that this firm is very.... discreet. SOUND    DOOR OPENS GOLDY    Discreet yes.  Cheap no.  You better have-- DONNA    Edwina?  Edwina Rexmusson? EDWINA    [cussing]  Oh, goblins.  [up, false gushy]  Donna!  It's been simply ages! DONNA    What are you doing here?  And what's with the getup? EDWINA    [trying to keep composure] Oh... Donna!  Are you ...here to hire an investigator as well?  DONNA    Um, no.  I... am the investigator. EDWINA    [snooty] Oh? DONNA    [sharp] Dressed like THAT, I wouldn't sneer, sweetheart.  [nicer]  Besides, whatever's wrong, I'm probably the only investigator in town who could truly understand.  Come along.  [to Goldy] Do we have any cocoa? EDWINA    [breaking into tears] Oh!  You remembered! DONNA    [stage whisper]  And a box of tissues.  [to Edwina]  My office is right over here. MUSIC    VOICEOVER DONNA    Edwina was one of those snooty girls I'd gone to school with, back before my family's fortunes fell.  [losing track] Funny.  Failed to figure on fff-- [thinks, sighs] alliteration.  [back]  From what I could recall, though I hadn't really paid attention, she'd dropped out of sight about a year back.  Her current state, dressed in - well let's face it - rags, haggard and undernourished, was shocking.  GOLDY    Flabbergasting, even. DONNA    Shh! PAUL    Do you need me? DONNA    Not yet.  You're still on that breach of contract, aren't you? PAUL    I've just about got it wrapped up.  Found three crickets and a snail that will swear to witnessing the ball retrieval.  [confident] He'll get what's coming to him.  I'll just listen in?  If you don't mind?  Nothing more boring than a stakeout. DONNA    Gotcha.  [clears throat] I waited for Edwina to calm down enough to talk. MUSIC    FADES OUT EDWINA    [blows nose excessively into handkerchief]  DONNA    Try some cocoa.  You'll feel better.  Now take your time and tell me what's wrong. EDWINA    [sips, sighs]  Oh... It's my husband. DONNA    Oh?  I guess I didn't know you were married.  Not that I've been much in society recently. EDWINA    Oh! yes.  Maybe you are the one person who can understand.  My father was absolutely set on my marrying, but I wanted... well... DONNA    A career? EDWINA    No. DONNA    Romance? EDWINA    No. DONNA    A Pony?  What? EDWINA    [painful admission] I just wanted... my own way.  More than anything else, I didn't want to give in and do what father wanted. DONNA    I take it he was not amused? EDWINA    [mirthless laugh]  He kept parading eligible bachelors around, and I... I kept shooting them down.  This one was too fat, that one too thin, that one too hairy-- DONNA    There's something cuddly about "hairy". EDWINA    Oh, don't even go there!!!  Why my husband-- DONNA    Sorry!  EDWINA    So father, exasperated, said I would be married before my birthday, like it or not.  And if I wouldn't take any of the suitable men, I would end up [sniffles] wed to the first man to come to the door.  [sobs, then wails]  Even if he was a pattycake!!! DONNA    What's wrong with--? EDWINA    [wails]  Waaahhhh! DONNA    Yowtch.  And this was last year? EDWINA    [sniffs, then tries to calm] Almost exactly a year ago.  How can I forget?  The day before my 21st birthday, my father tossed me at this.... "person", ran the paperwork through, and threw me out of the house.  Since then... Well, you see how I am. MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER DONNA    For all her suffering, Edwina was holding up pretty well.  She had gone from pampered princess to long-suffering housewife in one fell swoop.  Had to learn to cook, clean, and even run her husband's little china shop.  She'd been tempered in the fire.  And she used to be nothing BUT temper. GOLDY    There's plenty like that. DONNA    I am ignoring you.  MUSIC     CUTS OUT SUDDENLY EDWINA    Me? DONNA    Sorry.  Nothing.  So what exactly do you need help with?  EDWINA    Oh, that!  Someone is trying to kill me. DONNA    Really? MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER DONNA    Suddenly a simple domestic case had turned very interesting indeed.  DONNA    Edwina said that on two different occasions, there had been "accidents" that might have killed her, if not for this "strange man".  MUSIC FADES SOUND    IN CAR PAUL    Did she say what he looked like? DONNA    She said he looked vaguely familiar, but had a scarf covering the lower half his face.  PAUL    And these "accidents?" DONNA    Nothing she could take to the cops.  She felt a hand push her on a street corner, and would have gone right out into traffic.  Except... PAUL    Except for this stranger? DONNA    Yes.  He grabbed her and pulled her back.  That was the first time.  She wrote it off, figuring someone just lost their balance. PAUL    But... then? DONNA    Yeah.  She'd just shut up shop for the night, was heading home, and a piano fell on her. PAUL    You're kidding?!? DONNA    Nope.  It was being lifted to an upstairs apartment, and the ropes just... gave way.  PAUL    And the guy? DONNA    Swooped in on a motorcycle and pushed her out of the way. PAUL    At best, he's been following her everywhere.  DONNA    At worst, he's part of it. PAUL    So she wants us to-- DONNA    First, find out who might be trying to kill her.  Second find this guy.  And [sigh] If we find out anything about her husband along the way.... PAUL    [grr]  I hate matrimony cases.  [backpedaling] not that I hate matrimony, though!  [a moment, musing/hinting]  Cuddly? DONNA    What? PAUL    [too quick] Nothing. MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER PAUL    I figured I'd start with a trip to the delivery company, see who might have ordered that piano-- DONNA    Or who inquired about it.  PAUL    Yes.  Was this accident a spur of the moment crime, or something much more sinister? DONNA    I decided to look into who might want Edwina dead, and why.  I had a few contacts at the hall of records who liked nothing better than rooting out such juicy tidbits of gossip. PAUL    What are you thinking? DONNA    There's only a couple of possible motives for murder - money and passion being the best possibilities in this case.  DONNA    And since Edwina's father cut her off without a simolean to her name, there either had to be money she didn't know about-- PAUL    Long lost heirs?  That's a stretch. DONNA    [a bit annoyed] OR it had to do with her husband, the aptly named Mr. Beard. PAUL    First name? DONNA    Apparently they're not that familiar. PAUL    [flabbergasted!] What? MUSIC CUTS OUT SUDDENLY PAUL    Seriously?  She doesn't know his first name? DONNA    He doesn't talk to her much, except to give orders. PAUL    Even... um... when...? DONNA    [hinting] They sleep in separate rooms. PAUL    [stunned] Oh.  Who IS this guy? DONNA    That's what I plan to find out.  Ah!  Hall of records.  My stop. PAUL    Right.  Meet for dinner? DONNA    Of course. MUSIC    VOICEOVER PAUL    I watched her walk away, a red-haired slither of pure lusciousness.  [grr] At least until the car behind me started to honk. SOUND    HONK ENDS VOICEOVER MUSIC SOUND    CAR STARTS SOUND    PHONE RINGS, PICKS UP GOLDY    B&B Investigations, how may I direct-- EDWINA    [on filter] It happened again! GOLDY    What happened? EDWINA    Just tell Donna!  Get her to come to my place.  She has the address.  Quickly! Before my husband gets home! GOLDY    I'll see what I can do. EDWINA    It's a matter of life and death! SOUND    PHONE HANGS UP, IS SET DOWN GOLDY    Hmm.  Now let's see - How do they DO that? MUSIC    FOR VOICEOVER GOLDY    Well, that was easy.  [speaking loudly, as if trying to be noticed]  I was trying desperately to figure out how to get a message to my boss, Donna Bella. DONNA    You don't have to yell! GOLDY    [normal tone] The client called. DONNA    Edwina. GOLDY    We ain't been formally introduced.  Besides, I'm trying to be all professional here. DONNA    OK, just tell me what you got. GOLDY    She needs you over there lickety split. DONNA    Did she actually say--? GOLDY    I'm paraphrasing.  DONNA    Fine.  Now leave the voiceover to me.  [beat]  Ok.  I caught a cab and raced to Edwina's fifth floor walkup.  It was as old and careworn as her dress.  I really started to sympathize.  MUSIC    OUT SOUND    KNOCKING ON THE DOOR EDWINA    [shriek] Who is it? DONNA    It's me! SOUND    HEAVY FOOTSTEP, DOWN THE HALL DONNA    [gasp]  Hello? SOUND    LOTS OF LOCKS UNLOCKING DONNA    [whispered to the door] I'll be right back! EDWINA    No! DONNA    Shh! SOUND    QUIET STEPS MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER DONNA    I was pretty sure I'd seen movement down around the dimly lit corner.  I'm not usually the physical type - I leave all that to Paul-- PAUL    [distant] [laughing hysterically] DONNA    [grim and determined] --BUT I wanted to at least get a glimpse of whoever it was that was spying on Edwina's door.  MUSIC OUT SOUND    QUICK STEPS DONNA    Hah! SOUND    DOOR SHUTS QUICKLY MUSIC IN DONNA    I rushed up, but the series of locks - a strangely familiar series of locks - was already being thrown.  I waited a moment, then peered through the keyhole, straining for any glimpse of the perpetrator. GOLDY    What did you see? DONNA    Out! MUSIC OUT DONNA    Not you, her! MUSIC IN GOLDY    Fine.  PAUL    What did you see? DONNA    Let me talk to Edwina first. MUSIC OUT SOUND    TAP ON DOOR, DOOR WRENCHED OPEN EDWINA    What happened? DONNA    Nothing.  Thought I heard something. EDWINA    It was probably a mouse.  They're in half the apartments here. DONNA    Can't they get rid of them? EDWINA    [shrug] Not unless they get behind on the rent. MUSIC IN PAUL    Let me take this and give you ladies some privacy. DONNA    Sounds good.  I might be a little late. PAUL    No problem.  [voiceover]  I had had a frustrating day.  The moving company was paid in cash, and the apartment they were delivering to had been rented under a false name.  GOLDY    Back at the office, a pile of official looking papers that Donna had messengered, arrived.  If you're bored or anything. PAUL    I still have leads to follow up. GOLDY    I'm shutting up for the day.  You have fun. PAUL    [sigh]  Some days you wonder why you even need a secretary-- GOLDY    [distant] I heard that! PAUL    [thinking quick] And then you recall how much time you haveta spend away from the office, and it all becomes clear.  [waits a second]  Phew!  She does come in handy.  [narrating]  I walked into the bar where the lowest denizens of the city hung out, and lowest among them-- MUSIC OUT PAUL    Hey, Rump.  RUMPY    Not tonight, Bette.  I got lady trouble. PAUL    Really?  You? RUMPY    You don't have to sound so.... so... PAUL    Sorry. RUMPY    Take it from me, don't ever let one of them find out your real name.  [drinks deep]  So you here for a social call?  PAUL    You know better. SOUND    CLINK OF COINS ON COUNTER PAUL    But I can make it worth your while. RUMPY    I'll drink that in the next 10 minutes. PAUL    Give me something good, and you'll get another half hour's worth. RUMPY    What's the question? PAUL    Mr. Rexmussen and his daughter Edwina.  Anything you know. RUMPY    Off the top of my head?  And drunk?  Nothing.  SOUND    COINS BEING DRAGGED AWAY PAUL    Oh. RUMPY    Except-- SOUND    COINS STOP MOVING PAUL    Go on. RUMPY    I do know that just about a year ago, daddy dearest said he was gonna hitch her to the first dude to come to the door, and there was a virtual stampede to get there - but this mug Beard was already at the head of the line. PAUL    Like he... knew in advance? RUMPY    Could be...  or... [trails off suggestively, drinks] SOUND    TWO MORE COINS SET DOWN RUMPY    More like he kind of appeared out of nowhere.  No one knew him before.  No one knows when he came to town.  Nothing. PAUL    Hmm... SOUND    COUPLE MORE COINS RUMPY    That's all I got.  SOUND    SHOVES COINS RUMPY    Now leave me to my misery. PAUL    Nah.  Keep it.  MUSIC in PAUL    So a Beard with no roots.  But who could have known that Edwina's dad was going to go ballistic? GOLDY    Daddy probably set it all up with the mug.  To teach her a lesson.  Sounds like she was a holy terror. PAUL    I thought you went home. GOLDY     They ain't nothing good on the radio. PAUL    While I could consult an oracle or two about the mysterious Mr. Beard, the price would be a bit too high for a charity case-- GOLDY    What about who might want to kill her? PAUL    I had no leads as yet-- GOLDY    Oh, yes you do. PAUL    I do? GOLDY    These papers - I took em home, just in case someone might come looking. PAUL    Are you really worried about that? GOLDY    Nah.  But they ain't nothing good on the radio.  Anyway, you wanted to know about money motives, and there's some interesting stuff in here. PAUL    This should really be on the phone.  Voiceovers aren't made for conversations. GOLDY    You two do it all the time! PAUL    [abashed] We try not to. GOLDY    Fine.  [ahem] After going through the stack of papers - a thankless task, by the way - I realized that Edwina happened to have a birthday coming up. PAUL    [dismissive] She already mentioned that. GOLDY    AND that this would be her 22nd birthday.  When she would just happen to come into a huge trust fund.  UNLESS she weren't married yet, then she don't get her mitts on the cash til she's 30. PAUL    [interested] Really? GOLDY    UNLESS again - she was to happen to kick off before she made it to 22.  PAUL    Hmm...  Who-- GOLDY    IN WHICH CASE the money would revert to... ta-da!  her father. PAUL    Rexmussen?  But he's rich. GOLDY    Interesting, innit? DONNA    Whew.  I had just spent the longest evening of my life, and-- GOLDY    We're already on this line. DONNA    What? PAUL    But we're pretty much done. DONNA    What? GOLDY    Besides, I'm already clocked out for the evening. DONNA    [growl] what? PAUL    Goldy took the time to sort through all the paperwork we hadn't yet got around to... DONNA    [back to normal] Oh.  Anything? PAUL    Tell you at dinner. DONNA    About time! MUSIC OUT SOUND    RESTAURANT PAUL    --which doesn't make any sense, because he's rolling in dough. DONNA    Nothing in this case makes sense, and we've only got one more day before Edwina's birthday.  PAUL    We better stay with her.  DONNA    I had this little idea... PAUL    Yeah? DONNA    This mystery man appears every time she looks to be in danger, so... PAUL    ["getting it"] Mmm. DONNA    Let skip ahead. PAUL    Get some rest. DONNA    Mwa! PAUL    [appreciative growl] MUSIC IN DONNA    Morning came, and I was back with Edwina.  Her husband hadn't even come home, but had phoned to insist she still open the store as usual.  She was frantic. MUSIC OUT SOUND    STREET, FOOTSTEPS EDWINA    [controlled] Thank you so much for coming with me.  I'm simply frantic. DONNA    Don't worry about it.  We'll get to the bottom of all this. SOUND    RUSHING FEET PAUL    [roar] EDWINA    [scream!] SOUND    SCUFFLE BEARD    [oof!] DONNA    You got him?  Calm down, Eddie! EDWINA    [gasp] What?  Who is it?  Oh!  That's him!  That's the guy! PAUL    Let's get inside.  Come on.  EDWINA    [whisper] Who's that? DONNA    My partner.  He's good people. EDWINA    He's hardly "people", wouldn't you say? DONNA    Don't knock it, sister! SOUND    DOOR SHUTS PAUL    Okay, pal, you better start talking. EDWINA    Don't hurt him!  He's the one who's been saving me! PAUL    [tough sounding]  No one needs to get hurt - but someone DOES need to talk. BEARD    [mutters something] PAUL    What's that? BEARD    [low whisper] Just you.  I'll talk to you.  Not the ladies. PAUL    You all right with that?  We'll catch up. SOUND    SNAP FINGERS MUSIC In SUDDENLY DONNA    Edwina and I went on to the shop, careful to avoid any potentially life threatening situations. MUSIC OUT SOUND    SHOP DOOR, WITH BELL EDWINA    He's not going to hurt him, is he? DONNA    I don't think it will come to that. EDWINA    Good.  I-- I think I'm in love. DONNA    [stunned] What?  With that-- EDWINA    Handsome stranger who keeps saving my life? DONNA    You've got a point.  But what about your husband? EDWINA    I hardly ever see him.  He doesn't care. DONNA    And how do you know this guy is handsome?  His face was all covered in that scarf. EDWINA    [deep excited breath]  Oh!  His piercing eyes!  So mysterious.  T think--  [almost something]  I think he's shy. DONNA    While it's nice to see some color in your cheeks again, I think we need to shelve this until we solve the death-related part of the mystery. EDWINA    [sigh] All right. DONNA    Last night, I asked about the suitors you turned down.  Did you have a chance to make a list? EDWINA    Oh!  I forgot.  So sorry. DONNA    We've got some time now. EDWINA    Oh, all right. Um... There was Bob Porthos-- DONNA    The entrepreneur?  [whistles] EDWINA    He was really fat.  And Fred Crotchety, are you taking these down? DONNA    Mind like a steel trap.  Crotchety? EWINA    Old.  And don't even get me started on King Cole. DONNA    The Merry old - ah! "Old"? EDWINA    [duh!] Pattycake. DONNA    Hmm.  Let me guess, there was something wrong with every single one of them. EDWINA    Pretty much.  And if it wasn't something obvious, like being really short, or having terrible halitosis, I'd just pick on whatever was handy. DONNA    Bet you regret that now. EDWINA    You said it.  I might have spent the last year in the lap of luxury with my old, fat or smelly husband.  [thinks]  Hmm.  I guess I'm actually rather lucky. DONNA    Really? EDWINA    My husband is standoffish and emotionally unavailable, but at least he's not fat, old or smelly. DONNA    [slightly sarcastic] And doesn't talk in rhyme. EDWINA    [the horror!] Heaven forbid!!  SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN DONNA    Paul? THUG    Both of you, hands up! EDWINA    [scream!] THUG    Shut up! EDWINA    [cuts out suddenly with a hiccup] DONNA    Let me guess - you're the next "accident"? THUG    Shut up! DONNA    Why should I listen to you? EDWINA    [hissed] Because he's got a gun! THUG    I see she's the smart one. DONNA    What? THUG    Though you got the looks, babe. DONNA    What? EDWINA    Don't anger the thug! DONNA    Just watch.  WHAT? THUG    Now, lets see...  [muses] an accident... SOUND    HEAVY TIPPING NOISE, CROCKERY GOES EVERYWHERE EDWINA    [quick shriek, muffled] THUG    [telling himself a story] So someone broke in, and-- [sudden surprised gasp of pain] MUSIC IN PAUL    The mystery man had only half satisfied my curiosity when we heard screams from the vicinity of Edwina's pottery shop. THUG    [screams like a girl] MUSIC OUT BEARD    Something's happening! PAUL    [chuckles] They'll be fine.  Finish what you were saying. BEARD    [melodramatic] I'll tell you whatever you want - AFTER we save her! PAUL    [sigh] All right. MUSIC IN PAUL    He had it so bad it was almost cute.  How could I refuse, being a fellow sufferer of that aeons-old disease called love? MUSIC OUT SOUND    DOOR CREAKS OPEN, CRASH OF PLATE DONNA    Hah! PAUL    See? BEARD    [surprised] Oh.  You're all right! EDWINA    Yes! DONNA    This guy-- SOUND    RUSTLE AS SHE KICKS HIM THUG    [groan] DONNA    Broke in.  He won't talk.  [sweetly] I told him my partner is the really scary one. PAUL    Don't worry about it.  I think I know where this is all leading. DONNA    Really? PAUL    Yes.  Shh. EDWINA    [melodramatic, to Beard] It can never be. BEARD    What? EDWINA    I'm... I'm married.  No matter that it wasn't my choice.  It-- BEARD    It's all right. EDWINA    No, it's not!  You keep saving me, and making me love - uh - like - uh - appreciate you.  It's not fair.  To you. BEARD    You wouldn't consider... running off with me? EDWINA    A year ago, I might have said yes.  In a heartbeat.  But I'm not that same shallow girl any more.  I simply can't break a solemn vow.  You should go. DONNA    [sad] Ohhh! PAUL    [reassuring] Shh. EDWINA    Just know this.  I love you! BEARD    I've waited so long to hear you say that. EDWINA    [confused] You ...have? PAUL    [whispered] Now for the big reveal. SOUND    RUSTLE OF FABRIC EDWINA    You! DONNA    Who? PAUL    Guess. DONNA    I don't know anyone with a beard that thick. BEARD    I'm so sorry I had to do it this way, but-- SOUND    THUMP, HISS PAUL    Really?  A grenade?  [grunt of effort] SOUND    HISSING FLIES OFF SOUND    DISTANT EXPLOSION, SHRIEK OF PAIN & SURPRISE PAUL    Now that that's sorted out, I think it's time. DONNA    Time? PAUL    For the big denouement.  And... I think a police presence is in order. DONNA    Where's a phone? EDWINA    What's going on?  BEARD    Don't worry, my darling.  I'll still always protect you. MUSIC IN PAUL    We did a quick gathering of the suspects and arrived at Mr. Rexmussen's sumptuous estates with only half an hour to spare. DONNA    Before what? PAUL    The birthday. GOLDY    I'm the one that caught that! DONNA AND PAUL    Shut up! GOLDY    Hmph.  Keep me posted. PAUL    Rexmussen's estate was a sprawling mass of putting green and ornamental garden, all surrounding a palatial sort of ... palace. DONNA    Evocative. PAUL    I've been studying Old Possum's word a day column in the Times. DONNA    [chuckles] GOLDY    uh-uh-uh!  Conversation! DONNA    Fine!  SOUND    MUSIC OUT SOUND    KNOCKING ON DOOR SOUND    TEENSY WINDOW OPENS BUTLER    Please good folks!  This is not right!  Banging on the door all night! PAUL    [grr] Pattycakes. EDWINA    [Imperious]  Rouse my father, Frederick. BUTLER    The master sleeps, he will not wake.  I beg you now, your leave to take. SOUND    WINDOW SHUTS DONNA    Blast.  If only-- SOUND    POLICE SIRENS BURP, THEN CUT OUT PAUL    [concerned] Ohhh boy. DONNA    Captain Oftheguard!  So glad you came!  Wait - I didn't - did you? PAUL    [grrrr]  No. OFTHEGUARD    Your secretary called, said you're having some kind of ...denouement... at this here address? PAUL    [muttered] She'll never let us live this one down. DONNA    [wheedling] We need to get inside, Bruce, and talk to Edwina's father!  Right now, before there's a murder! OFTHEGUARD    We'll see about that. SOUND    OFFICIAL POUNDING BEARD    No one's going to murder you! EDWINA    Oh, [falters] OH!  [whispers]  You never told me your first name. BEARD    Oh...  uh...  [horrible admission] Van dyke. EDWINA    Really?  I would have pegged you as a garibaldi, or maybe a franz-josef with a side order of Z-Z. BEARD    [surprised] So you know my brothers? SOUND    DOOR OPENS OFTHEGUARD    Hey!  Mother goose.  Get your boss out here.  This is the police. FREDERICK    You needn't speak in such a tone.  My job is to see he's left alone. OFTHEGUARD    hmph.  My job trumps your boss's orders - now let us through your fancy borders. DONNA    Oh, Bruce!  I never knew you were bilingual! PAUL    [growl] Enough!  I'll get us in. SOUND    MUSIC IN PAUL    It wasn't long before we were all sitting in Rexmussen's main sitting room. MUSIC OUT PAUL    So there. EDWINA    Not to be confused with the informal withdrawing room, or the salon. REXMUSSEN    [cold] So nice to have you home again dear. EDWINA    [cold] Papa.  [kiss kiss] OFTHEGUARD    I believe there was a denouement in the offing?  Or are we here for pinochle? REXMUSSUN    A Denouement?  Surely you don't mean--? SOUND    LIGHT FEET ENTER MULVA    [sexy little number] Rex, Honey?  I miss my bunny? EDWINA    [horrified] Papa! REXMUSSUN     [covering, stiff] Go back to bed, Mulva.  We'll talk in the morning. EDWINA    Papa!?  What is ... that?  [disgust] Her? DONNA    That's a whole nother denouement!  Quick, music! SOUND    MUSIC IN, SOUND OF EDWINA AND REXMUSSUN ARGUING UNDER REXMUSSUN    I knew you would never be able to accept-- EDWINA    A pattycake?  Father!  How could you! MULVA    Love is blind to age or youth.  We knew you wouldn't like the truth. REXMUSSUN    You don't need to be here, dearest, to take this abuse. EDWINA    I'm glad mother's dead!  This sort of ...perversion - it would have killed her to know. [now the voiceover] PAUL    Could this have been another motive?  Or part of the answer we already had? DONNA    We knew we had to sort it out quickly, or lose what might be our only chance to resolve this issue. PAUL    The money in the trust goes back to dear old dad if she dies in the next 15 minutes, right? DONNA    I think-- GOLDY    [snide] That's what the papers said.  DONNA    Fine.  Thanx.  What else did they say. GOLDY    Oh, so now you need me-- PAUL    Get on with it!  We're in the denouement! GOLDY    Dad's loaded.  The entire trust wouldn't make pocket change for him. DONNA    And his new wife? GOLDY    Oh, that took a couple of very tricky phone calls.  Seems they went out of state for a nice quiet little ceremony - the day AFTER dear daughter was whisked away to be wed. PAUL    So maybe this had nothing to do with the money at all? DONNA    What are we left with? EVERYONE     GASPS PAUL    That sounds like something.  Quick! SOUND    MUSIC OUT EDWINA    The lights! OFTHEGUARD    Everyone stay where you are.  BEARD    I'm here. SOUND    RUSTLE, THEN FOOTSTEPS PAUL    Was anyone near the lights when they went out? EDWINA    We were a bit...um... involved in a family ... discussion. DONNA    Where are the -- SOUND    GUNSHOT EDWINA    [QUICK scream] BEARD    Oh no! DONNA    Quick!  Paul! SOUND    HEAVY FOOTSTEPS PAUL    [growl] FREDERICK    Off, you beast!  Get off of me!  I'm no prey for such as thee! PAUL    Just for that! [unh!] SOUND    SMACK SOUND    CLICK OF LIGHTS BACK ON OFTHEGUARD    Him!? EDWINA    A servant? REXMUSSUN    Frederick? DONNA    [whispered] Paul?  But why?  Do you think he was paid? PAUL    [muttered] Hmm.  No.  [up]  Oftheguard, I'll hand him over.  OFTHEGUARD    What's the charge?  Or at least the motive? EDWINA    Yes!  What could he possibly get out of killing me?  He's not in any position to inherit. DONNA    No one is - now.  PAUL    Except your husband.  BEARD    I've got plenty of my own, thanks. DONNA    Your birthday came and went 8 minutes ago.  So this attempt ... [quizzical] must be unrelated? PAUL    But something else is.  DONNA    Is what? PAUL    Related.  [sharp] Rexmusson!  This young lady may be your second wife, but I wager she's not the first pattycake that you've... um... DONNA    Played pattycake with? PAUL    I was trying for something a bit more pithy, but yes. REXMUSSON    [warning] I'm a very wealthy and powerful man!  [shrug] And everyone needs a hobby. EDWINA    Papa! MULVA    But now I am your one and only?  You'll never have to be so lonely. REXMUSSON    [not quite convincing] Of course, dear. EDWINA    This is just disgusting.  I don't need to hear any more of this-- PAUL    Just a bit more.  Frederick?  How long have you worked here? EDWINA    He's been here his entire life.  Since we both [getting it] were children... DONNA    Ahhh.  And his mother?  She worked here, too? EDWINA    [revolted] Oh, now I am definitely leaving. BEARD    Hold on a bit longer.  EDWINA    Hold me! DONNA    So you think that he did it out of revenge?  For her being the pampered one and him getting.... a menial job? PAUL    Perhaps he felt that if there were no longer a legitimate heir to the Rexmusson estate, that his father would have to acknowledge him at last. DONNA    That's a huge bucket full of wishful thinking, you do realize that? REXMUSSON    Even if Edwina was killed, and that would never be my wish, dear, even if we don't see eye to eye on some things-- EDWINA    [conciliatory]  Oh, I should hope not. REXMUSSON    There's still going to be more legit heirs.  Right my little pumpkiny-wumpkiny? MULVA    You'll have a little sister soon.  We've counted down to the end of June. EDWINA    [no longer amused] We're leaving.  Now. BEARD    There's no more danger? OFTHEGUARD    Not from this guy, there ain't. BEARD    Good.  [leaving]  Edwina?  Darling? FREDERICK    Ouch!  Ouch!  Stop that, you!  You hurt my-- OFTHEGUARD    [cutting in] Everloving shoe.  I know, I know.  I've heard it all before.  Now - "Come along quiet, you epic fail.  You're taking a little trip to jail." MUSIC IN PAUL    [snort, then annoyed]  Progressive AND bilingual.  How do you compete with that? DONNA    Hmm? PAUL    Nothing.  [clears throat]  So the case was closed, and for once we could say-- DONNA    With a completely straight face-- PAUL    uh...  [whispered] You want to say it? DONNA    [sultry whisper] Let's do it together? PAUL    [grrrrow!]  Count of three, then.  One Two-- PAUL AND DONNA    The butler did it.  [both laugh] PAUL    You would never leave me, um, I mean the agency, I mean, detective work, for a ... a pattycake, wouldja? DONNA    Never fear, oh hairy one / the job, and you, are much more fun. PAUL    [growl!!]  I do love it when she talks foreign!    

A secretary is plagued by premonitions or voices in her head... part 1 of 2

Cold Read: https://discord.gg/c3jagscRVb Deadeye Kid:  http://www.19nocturneboulevard.net/all_show_pages/deadeye%20kid/DeadeyeKidmain.htm THE NAKED TRUTH B&B Investigations returns, and this time Paul and Donna have been hired by the personal assistant to Mr. Emperor (of Emperor Pictures), himself. (For case #1, check out Cry Wolf) Cast List Paul Bette - Joel Harvey Donna Bella - Julie Hoverson Captain Oftheguard - Reynaud LeBoeuf Willard  - Barry Northern (Cast Macabre) Tom - Justin Charles (1st Draft Productions) Dick - Big Anklevitch (Dunesteef Audio Magazine) Herbie Taylor - Glen Hallstrom Goldy Taylor - Crystal Thomson Mr. Emperor - Rish Outfield (Dunesteef Audio Magazine) Sherry - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard (Gypsy Audio) Shop Steward - Scott Pigg Argus - J. Christopher Dunn Soda Jerk - Mike Campbell Music by Somewhere Off Jazz Street and Incompetech.com Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock   "What kind of a place is it? Why it's private investigator's office, can't you tell?" *********************************************** THE NAKED TRUTH Cast: Olivia Paul Bette Donna Bella Captain Oftheguard Willard Goldy Taylor Herbie Taylor Tom, Dick Mr. Emperor Sherry Shop steward Argus Soda Jerk OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a private detective's office, can't you tell?  MUSIC 1_EMPLOYEE SOUND    OFFICE SOUND    DOOR UNLOCKS, OPENS PAUL    Right this way, sir.  Sorry to have kept you waiting. SOUND    STEPS, DOOR WILLARD    As one of Mr. Emperor's personal assistants, I am not used to-- PAUL    Of course not.  Please, step into my office and have a seat.  I'll get you some coffee? WILLARD    Don't you have staff for that? PAUL    This is pretty much a two-person office... WILLARD    Well, where's your assistant? PAUL    She's-- SOUND    OUTER DOOR OPENS, STEPS BREEZE IN DONNA    Paul?  You're here early. WILLARD    Speak of the devil? PAUL    Hold on just one moment.  SOUND    STEPS, DOOR SHUTS PAUL    Shh.  There's a client. DONNA    Oh?  Great! PAUL    Well, I think he thinks that-- WILLARD    [behind wall, raised voice] Mr. Emperor would never put up with tardiness in his employees. DONNA    [burning] Employees? PAUL    I didn't say anything, he just assumed. DONNA    What? PAUL    Don't get worked up - you know, this is the biz, sweetheart. DONNA    What? PAUL    The client is always right.  Humor him, and we'll have a plum job - he's a personal assistant to Mr. Emperor. DONNA    [big payoff] WHA--?  [then, back to normal suddenly] Of Emperor film studios?  Ooh! WILLARD    [raised, through door] I'm still waiting for my coffee! 2_VO_FEMALE MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER PAUL    The sad fact of detective work - it's just not a job you expect to find a female in, and people have a hard time accepting that my partner in the firm of B&B Investigations - and in fact one of said B's on the door - DONNA    The smarter B. PAUL    Don't be snippy.  It's really not my fault.  DONNA    [sigh] I know.  PAUL    Is Donna Bella, my partner. DONNA    It grates that so many men just don't seem to feel like women - particulary pretty women-- PAUL    Or beauties. DONNA    Me?  Oh, silly!  They don't feel that we can be more than princesses, secretaries, sorceresses, social climbers, or damsels in distress.  Sure, some women make it to prominence for their brains, and then every pair of pants around says "wow, ain't she unusual?" and we gals suffer in silence. PAUL    [hinting] On the other hand, it makes for a good cover - flying way under the radar - to be able to watch goings-on and take notes. DONNA    [reluctant] True. PAUL    Feeling any better? DONNA    A bit.  I guess. PAUL    I probably should... talk to the client? DONNA    Go on ahead.  I'll muse a moment longer. PAUL    [careful] Would you... bring us coffee when you're done?  [quickly]  I mean, let him think that you're-- DONNA    Yeah, yeah.  I'll give you the one without. PAUL    Without what? DONNA    [dark] I have't decided yet. PAUL    [goes off, chuckling] DONNA    The only thing that makes this job bearable - apart from the whole thrill of the chase, which is fun - is my partner, Paul Bette.  Big brute that he is, he never underestimates me.  I think he regards me as a little brother in a dress, which ain't a real pretty picture - you should see his little brother.  Sometimes, I wish he did see me as a woman - in a dress - and treat me like one.  Ah, forget it. MUSIC CUTS OUT 3_CHICORY SOUND    DOOR OPENS DONNA    [way too perky] Two coffees! WILLARD    And about time. PAUL    [sigh] I explained to you about the errend I sent her on-- WILLARD    Yes, yes of course.  But-- PAUL    And this office doesn’t exactly put me in Mr. Emperor's class for choice of-- WILLARD    [accepting] Ah, well. [sips, smacks lips]  Interesting flavor. PAUL    [worried] What is it? DONNA    [daggers] Chicory. WILLARD    Hmm.  Yes.  Amusing.  PAUL    Can we get down to business? DONNA    Do you need me to stay? WILLARD    Doesn't she take shorthand or something? PAUL    She does, but [overriding her] she does it out at her desk, over the intercom.  Less distracting that way. DONNA    [huffs as she leaves] SOUND    TAPS OF HER FEET, DOOR SHUTS WILLARD    [confidential] If you plan to keep that one around for... looks, you simply must find an ugly one to do the work. PAUL    Not a bad idea.  Though a bit sexist. WILLARD    I am in the film business. PAUL    Ah.  Now what is the nature of your problem? WILLARD    You are familiar with the prestigious filmography of Mr. Emperor? PAUL    Golden idols, plaques, every movie a winner.  Of course. WILLARD    [coughs delicately] Almost every movie a winner. PAUL    [knowing] Oh, yes.  But still an impressive reputation. WILLARD    And not one to be trifled with.  Unfortunately, my master also suffers from a terrible case of ...hubris. PAUL    Shouldn't he see a doctor? WILLARD    [dry] Funny.  No, it's only-- [sighs, trying to find the right word]  PAUL    Be blunt, this is all confidential. WILLARD    [resigned sigh] It's his ego.  It has simply swollen so large he can no longer see past it.  PAUL    [confused] And you want me to help with that? WILLARD    No, no, it's the consequences which disturb me.  I just don't know where to start... PAUL    The beginning is usually a good bet. WILLARD    Six months ago, a consortium of ...people found their way into Mr. Emperor's social sphere... MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER 4_VO_RODOMONTADE DONNA    Goodness, what a mouth.  He must have it embroidered on his underwear somewhere - "thou shalt not utilize a single clear and plain word when ten or a dozen fancy choices will do the trick."  I was hard put not to fall asleep right on the intercom.  And what did it all boil down to?  He suspected a couple of scam artists of lining his boss up for a sting.  But could he just cut to the point and say that?  Indubitably in the negative. PAUL    The details were interesting but not conclusive. DONNA    There were actual details in there? PAUL    Yes.  This trio had wormed their way into emperor's inner circle, and pitched him on a movie they wanted to make.  He thought it sounded like a winner, didn't run it past anyone, and didn’t even stop to read the script - just trusted his instinct that they would be "the next big thing."  He set them up in a closed soundstage, and handed them a check.  Since then, they've been needing more and more money for all those ...things movies have-- DONNA    Actors, costumes, sets, props, film-- PAUL    Yeah, but there's no proof they've ever spent a dime of it.  They've made a big deal of auditioning a bunch of hopefuls-- DONNA    Mostly by letting themselves be wined and dined by all the big names.  Or worse. PAUL    And no one even knows if this movie is actually being made.  DONNA    And Mr. Emperor doesn't suspect anything? PAUL    I dunno.  Willard seemed to think his boss might be beginning to suspect something, but he's got so much invested in the damn project, he can't step away.  His whole ego and reputation - both more monumental than his wallet - are so tied up in this.  He's never had a flop before-- DONNA    Well, there was the one. PAUL    Right - he mentioned something like that.  What's the deal? DONNA    A silly little flick called Gone with the Wind - ever see it? PAUL    Nope. DONNA    Well, neither did anyone else.  Who'd ever buy a story of three pigs and a wolf anyway? MUSIC    NOT QUITE A "WAH-WAH-WAH" 5_OFTHEGUARD SOUND    MUSIC IS INTERRUPTED BY A PHONE RINGING DONNA    Should I get that, [snotty] "Mister Bette"? PAUL    Would you? DONNA    [sullen] Fine.  SOUND    PHONE SNATCHED UP DONNA    [too sultry] B&B Investigations.  How may I direct your call, to B or B? OFTHEGUARD    [on the phone] Donna?  What's got into you? DONNA    Oh, Captain Oftheguard!  [hah!]  I'm just covering the front while we decide on hiring a new secretary. PAUL    A new secretary--? DONNA    Our last one...um... won a bundle of dough in a radio contest and ran off to Barbados.  Who'd'a thunk that being able to name all the dancing princesses--  OFTHEGUARD    Cut the malarkey, Donna.  Is Bette there?  I need to speak to him. DONNA    Yes.  Of course. OFTHEGUARD    [pointed] Alone. DONNA    [to Paul] Everyone wants you today.  SOUND    SLAMS THE RECEIVER ONTO THE TABLE DONNA    I'll just go... buy some shoes or some other feminine pursuit. SOUND    SHE LEAVES - FEET, RUSTLE PAUL    Donna?  What--? SOUND    DOOR SLAMS SOUND    VOICE ON THE PHONE, VERY SMALL AND DISTORTED PAUL    Damn.  [growl]  SOUND    SNATCHES UP THE PHONE PAUL    [still a growl] What? OFTHEGUARD    What brownie crawled in your shoe?  MUSIC IN DONNA    I left them to their little boy games and decided to do the one thing Paul would never think of.  Or approve of. PAUL    [distant] Huh?  What?  DONNA    See you in the movies, babe. PAUL    [getting closer] Movies?  What movies? MUSIC OUT PAUL    [echoey] Donna? OFTHEGUARD    No, it's Oftheguard.  Ain't Donna with you? PAUL    She just stormed out of here. OFTHEGUARD    That girl has a temper.  Anyway, I wanted to discuss her birthday. PAUL    Birthday?  What?  OFTHEGUARD    Didn't you know?  It's Friday night, and I was wondering what kind of arrangements you mighta made.  PAUL    Oh.  We've been really busy here--  [still wondering] Movies? OFTHEGUARD    What? PAUL    Nothing.  [back on point] Friday.  Birthday.  Arrangements.  Right. MUSIC IN 6_AUDITION DONNA    [quiet] I stood outside the studio where the fancy schmancy new movie was supposedly being filmed - a huge building out on the docks with no windows and only one door. MUSIC OUT AMB    PIER SOUND    DOORBELL BUZZER TOM    [on intercom]  Sorry!  Ain't hiring today.  Closed set. DONNA    [breathy, sexy] Oh, please!  I just came in on a bus from Punkinville, and want so badly to be in moving pictures! TOM    Step up to the peephole - there on the left.  Saaaaaay.  You're a real beaut, ain'tcha? DONNA    It has been said.  Back home in Peter Piper Iowa, I was the beauty queen! TOM    I thought you said you were from Punkinville. DONNA    [thinking madly] Oh... I-- [drops voice] Punkinville is the bad side of Peter Piper. TOM    Why don't you come on in?  [lecherous] I might be able to squeeze in a screen test. SOUND    BUZZ, DOOR OPENS DONNA    [deep breath] Thank you ever so.  [muttered] Just be careful what you're squeezing. SOUND    WALKS INTO ECHOEY SPACE 7_EXIT STAGE LEFT MUSIC IN PAUL    I had no idea where Donna had got to, after our little dustup that morning.  And I was skeptical about Oftheguard's ideas for a party.  SOUND    CAR SNEAKS IN PAUL    Seemed pretty frivolous for a captain of his standing, but he was also an old friend of Donna's.  I decided to cut right to the chase and go to the studio. SOUND    CAR BRAKES, SOUND OF PIER PAUL    Work can usually take my mind off of-- SOUND    DOOR BEING SLAMMED OPEN, BODY FALLING OUT TOM    Whoooooah!  [being tossed out] PAUL    I realized Donna had beaten me to the punch. SOUND    CAR DOOR OPENS PAUL    [gasp, startled] SOUND    DONNA GETTING IN DONNA    I don't want to talk about it. PAUL    What's in there? DONNA    I didn't get a chance to see much. PAUL    What happened? SOUND    SNAP FINGERS MUSIC IN SUDDENLY DONNA    I didn't want to talk about it, but he just couldn't seem to take a hint. PAUL    Got it.  Fine. DONNA    Since I hadn't seen more than ten feet into the building - MOST of that being hallway, it wouldn't do ANY good to hash it over anyway. PAUL    I've got it.  Seriously. DONNA    And all because I would not could not on a couch-- PAUL    He offered you breakfast? DONNA    Just drop it! MUSIC OUT 8_BACK TO OFFICE SOUND    MOMENT OF SILENCE, CAR STARTS PAUL    We need to find a way in. DONNA    [almost steaming again] Oh? PAUL    I'm thinking a little piecework. DONNA    [more] OH? PAUL    All it would take is a little pounding, drilling.  In and out.  Simple. DONNA    [furious] OOOOH? PAUL    [noticing her anger]  uh, do you have a problem with me doing some construction work? DONNA    Oh! PAUL    What did you think I meant? DONNA    Nothing! MUSIC IN PAUL    No, really. DONNA    I want to go back to the office.  We do have some bleach there, don't we? PAUL    [narrating]  Back at the office, the phone was ringing. SOUND    QUICK STEPS, PICK UP PHONE PAUL    Hello? WILLARD    Hello? PAUL    Yes, can I help you? WILLARD    Is there anyone there? PAUL    What? DONNA    The music! SOUND    SNAP FINGERS MUSIC OUT 9_PHONE PAUL    Right. WILLARD    Ah, I was wondering.  I have been phoning for simply ages.  Where's your assistant been? DONNA    [dark] I've been to the palace to see the queen. PAUL    [to her, covering handset] No need for that!  [back to the phone]  What did you need? DONNA    [walking away] And pussycat pussycat, what'd you do there? PAUL    [muttered aside] pattycake or not, it's dang sexy when she speaks foreign. DONNA    [almost gone, loud] I'm getting ready to kick what he puts in a chair! SOUND    DOOR SLAMS PAUL    [interested] Oooh! [back to the phone] Sorry about that.  Employee relations. WILLARD    You're not relating to her on MY time, are you? PAUL    [growling] Anything on YOUR time will turn up on an expense account, bub.  Now, what were you calling about? WILLARD    [grumbling] You still need a secretary for the real work.  [up]  Mr. Emperor has finally nailed them down on a debut - Friday night at Grimm's Chinese theater - and we have to DO something before then!  If this is another bomb, he will be ruined! PAUL    We're on it. WILLARD    as long as you're not both on it at the same time, I'll be happy.  Goodbye! PAUL    [GROWLS]  Music! MUSIC COMES IN, BUT DOOR OF OFFICE OPENS A1_GOLDY GOLDY    Hello? MUSIC CUTS OUT PAUL    Uh, what? GOLDY    You're looking for a secretary. PAUL    I'm - what? GOLDY    [long suffering sigh]  Look, I don't mind working for chump change, or even schlepping for a brute like you - no offense-- PAUL    None taken. GOLDY    But I do try to work for folks who get some vocabulary.  I learned.  Had a job once taking dictation from this big black bird.  Couldn't say nothing but-- PAUL    Nevermind.  I'm just surprised.  We haven't actually advertised yet. GOLDY    Oh, sorry!  I spoke with-- [deliberately trails off] PAUL    Donna? GOLDY    Is she here? PAUL    [yes] She's in her office. GOLDY    Then no, not her.  This was a... [thinks]  ...a client. PAUL    Oh, Mr. Emperor's assistant. GOLDY    Yeah.  Him.  He suggested I come by. PAUL    Can you type? GOLDY    You bet. PAUL    Answer phones? GOLDY    I got a gold-plated ear. PAUL    [serious] Really? GOLDY    No. PAUL    Cause I knew a girl once, with-- GOLDY    Do I get the job? PAUL    I have to check with Donna first.  [up] Donna? DONNA    [from off] Still annoyed! PAUL    This might cheer you up! SOUND    DOOR OPENS, SHE STRIDES IN DONNA    What? GOLDY    [admiring] Well, look at you. DONNA    Who's looking at me, kid? PAUL    She came here for the secretary job.  Donna Bella, this is-- uh-- GOLDY    Ms. Lox.  But you can call me Goldy. MUSIC IN PAUL    Goldy's resume looked good-- DONNA    --and freshly typed-- PAUL    So we left her in charge and went looking for a way into the soundstage. GOLDY    Is that the Emperor pictures soundstage you were talking about? PAUL    Hey, this is a voiceover, not a party line. GOLDY    Hmph.  Coulda fooled me. PAUL    Lets take a drive.  Get some privacy.  DONNA    [romantic] Really Paul?      It's so sudden. MUSIC CUTS OUT SUDDENLY A2_PRIVATE CAR SOUND    CAR TURNS ON PAUL    That's exactly what I'm worried about. DONNA    Huh? PAUL    The way she showed up.  Very sudden. DONNA    Oh.  Did you lock up the petty cash? PAUL    Doll, our cash is so petty it ain't worth it. DONNA    [chuckles] So why do you think she popped up just now?  With a freshly minted resume? PAUL    I'm thinking someone's caught onto that valet's worry, and wants to keep tabs on us. DONNA    The potential swindlers? PAUL    We'll see.  MUSIC IN PAUL    [muttered]  Follow my lead.  [up]  Since the front door approach had been nixed, I figured on checking out the loading docks. DONNA    Ah!  Drop me at the union hall, wouldja? PAUL    Donna had a promising line of inquiry.  [side of mouth, teasing] Voice over... DONNA    I figured if there was anything coming in and going out - apart from money, there'd be someone at the local 509 who kept an eye on it. PAUL    Can't do anything in the film industry without teamsters. DONNA    [back at him] Voice over.... [whispered] I'll take the voiceover in 15 minutes.  When you're done, you mention a llama. PAUL    [whispered] Beast or priest? DONNA    [whispered] Either way. PAUL    Dropping her off, I went on down to the docks, figuring on asking around, finding out who catered the shop.  Bye, sweets. DONNA    [blows a kiss]  See ya!  SOUND     CAR DOOR SLAMS PAUL    Smart as a whip.  [musing] That’s just one of those things you say, but when you really think about it, how smart IS a whip?  And who would ever ask to be "whipped"? SOUND    DRIVING AGAIN PAUL    I found a parking space down at the end of the marina, out of sight, but close enough in case someone decided to take a run-out powder. DONNA    Speaking of powder, I decided to stop in at a Rex druggist for a new compact and a bite to eat. MUSIC OUT A3_SODA JERK DONNA    Bet you get a lot of movie folks in here. JERK    [squeaking] Here?  [clears his throat]  Here?  I mean, not so's you'd notice, why? DONNA    Aren't they making a film down on the pier, there? JERK    Are they?  I haven't heard anything.  Who's in it? DONNA    I was hoping you'd know. JERK    No, but I know who to ask. DONNA    Oh?  Who? JERK    There's this old guy comes in here a lot.  Big nose.  He seems to know everyone.  Baron, Baron--- DONNA    Munchausen?  Hah!  Oops, is that the time?  I was supposed to meet the local shop steward. MUSIC IN DONNA    There's two ways to deal with teamsters.  Hire them and pay them a good wage, or don't hire them and pay them anyway.  That was what all the hullabaloo was about the sorcerer's apprentice - making brooms that can tote water is the worst kind of scab labor. Of course, there are exceptions, and I found out this was one of those. MUSIC OUT A4_TEAMSTERS STEWARD    Foreign soil. DONNA    What? STEWARD    That pier.  Used to be the embassy for Atlantis. DONNA    But Atlantis sank. STEWARD    Yeah, but that pier is still foreign soil.  Any work done there is subject to the local laws.  Of Atlantis. DONNA    But what about things going in and out?  Surely you must be handling deliveries? STEWARD    We would have to.  But there ain't none.  None at all, and we've been keeping our sharpest eye on them.  [up] Argus? ARGUS    Yeah, boss? DONNA    Wow.  I'd hate to be your optometrist. ARGUS    Guess I'm lucky I got 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20-- DONNA     I got it. ARGUS    --vision, eh? DONNA    Yeah.  So, you haven't seen ANYone coming or going? ARGUS    Didn't say that - a couple guys are in and out.  Just not goods or anything that we'd have to handle. DONNA    But the film crew-- ARGUS    What film crew?  It's just these three guys.  No one else. STEWARD    So the crew must be living in there, too.  Which would be a housing board violation, except... DONNA    Foreign soil.  Right.  Thanks for the   help, guys.  Oops - I'm running a bit late.  Come on! SOUND    SNAP FINGERS MUSIC IN DONNA    I wonder when my new music will arrive.  [sigh, up]  It was a mystery all right.  Somehow they had a set with no setup, a cast with no costumes, and a crew with no shore leave.  Far as anyone might know, it could be a big empty building - empty except for the oodles of gold Emperor was pouring into it.  And if there was truly nothing - how to save the studio, avoid embarrassment, and catch the crooks, all at once.  It was about time to grab those three guys and set them adrift in a leaky tub. PAUL    Lama. DONNA    Just like that? PAUL    Yup. Can you get back to the office on your own? DONNA    Ain't a hackie I can't handle. PAUL    Meet you there.  I'll take this for a while. DONNA    Oh, right-- PAUL AND DONNA    [unison, teasing] Voice-over.  [both laugh] PAUL    I had found something - something very interesting - out back of the warehouse, and was bringing it back to the office to examine it more closely.  Too bad it was a little hard to fit into the car.  That was reason enough to get Donna to find her own way home. DONNA    Like a little lamb, dragging my tail behind me? PAUL    Only you could make pattycake sound sexy. DONNA    You should see what I can do with [very sexy] Pease porridge HOT. PAUL    [interested growl] Save it!  Rowr! DONNA    Can we get to the office, already? PAUL    Sounds good. MUSIC OUT A5_HERBIE SOUND    DOOR OPENS, SHE WALKS IN GOLDY    Welcome to B&B Investigations.  Can I-- Oh!  [shrug]  Ehh.  Good practice, I suppose. DONNA    [stunned]  What... happened? GOLDY    Whaddaya mean? DONNA    It's so... clean.  You didn't have a horde of magic forest animals in here, did you? SOUND    DOOR OPENS GOLDY    [hurried] Uh, no.  I just didn't have a lot to do.  [uneasy] I ain't real fond of forests.  Or animals. PAUL    Ahem. GOLDY    Present company excluded. PAUL    Good. SOUND    HE WALKS IN, STRUGGLING MAN WITH HIM HERBIE    Mrph.  Urk. [struggling noises, bag on head] GOLDY    But I draw the line at kidnapping!  What did you do to that poor mug?  PAUL    I put a bag on his head. HERBIE    [muffled] Goldy? GOLDY    [cussing] Oh, Porridge! DONNA    Oh, no, you're not going anywhere, sweetheart. SOUND    DOOR SLAMS, LOCKS GOLDY    You lemme go, or I swear I'll break a chair - on your pretty little auburn head! SOUND    BAG OFF OF HEAD HERBIE    Goldy!  What's all this about, my little housebreaker? DONNA    Whoever you are, you're not alone, and you're embarrassing Ms. Lox. GOLDY    Thank you.  HERBIE    Ms. Lox?  Yeah, twenty years ago, maybe.  Since then, she's been my wife, Goldy Tailor! DONNA    I thought I recognized you.  Aren't you that guy who--? GOLDY     Oh, don't bring it up.  Please! HERBIE    What's wrong with a man taking credit for his past achievements?  So I took out 7 in one blow. GOLDY    Yeah, twenty years ago, maybe.  And they were flies.  This is his big achievement. HERBIE    Honey.  Sweetie.  Who're these folks anyway? PAUL    We're the private investigators who've been hired to find out what's really going on with that "movie" you're filming HERBIE    [suddenly serious] Oh.  That. MUSIC IN DONNA    For all their bickering, I was jealous.  They'd been married for twenty years, and I could see what she really felt by the way she looked at him.  PAUL    That and the fact that he clearly didn't put her up to sneaking in and spying on the spies. GOLDY    You know I can hear you? DONNA    We are definitely going to have to do something about that. MUSIC OUT HERBIE    It started out as a little con job.  Or that's what they told me.  I came in late in the game. GOLDY    Yeah, you're innocent as a baby fresh from a cabbage patch.  And about as smart.  A pair of grifters like that-- HERBIE    They got me in because I know the garment trade, and they needed someone to handle the costumes. DONNA    But there... aren't any costumes? HERBIE    Yeah, that's the funny part.  They mostly needed someone who could write a convincing invoice for the things they weren't buying. GOLDY    I hope you got some decent pay for this. PAUL    You're really better off not discussing THAT in front of witnesses. HERBIE    At first, I thought it was just a joke, and then, suddenly... before I even knew it, I was in it right up to my cummerbund.  GOLDY    And none of this is admissible in court!  I clerked for enough lawyers in my day.  I know all about hearsay. PAUL    Tell us everything you know, Mr. Lox-- HERBIE    Tailor.  Herbie Tailor.  You can call me Herbie. PAUL    Herbie, and we'll do our best to keep your name out of it. HERBIE    Like I said, it's all a scam.  More shell companies than a town full of mermaids.  Constant demands for money - and all to make this movie they say will be over the heads of everyone in the audience.  PAUL    But why? HERBIE    I guess this producer wants to rise above the crowd-pleasing musicals and talking animal flicks he usually churns out-- GOLDY    Apart from that one-- HERBIE    Oh, yeah, that.  Anyway, he wants to do something all intellectual and deep - like a foreign film.  Make a new name for himself. PAUL    Just hoping that name won't be ... um...  [prompting] something bad. HERBIE    Aschenputtel? DONNA    Maleficent? PAUL    Shh!  That one's copyrighted. DONNA    Oh. GOLDY    Just say his name would be mud and move on. HERBIE    Look, if I'm gone for much longer, they're gonna get suspicious.  PAUL    Can you try and find out one thing?  If we agree to help keep you out of the hands of the guard? HERBIE    I dunno.  I don't want to-- GOLDY    [warning] Herbie!? HERBIE    Yeah, all right.  Whatever you want. PAUL    I want to know what they're planning to do.  There has to be something in it for them, or they'd'a cut and run long back. HERBIE    Yeah. I guess. DONNA    True - with the premiere coming up, they must have one last big payoff in mind. PAUL    Why don't you two get outta here? GOLDY    Me, too? PAUL    Sorry, but until this is finished, you're just gonna be in the way. DONNA    And stay out of our voiceovers! MUSIC IN DONNA    It was a pity, really.  Goldy had done a bang up job of cleaning the office. PAUL    Is that what happened?  DONNA    Yup.  But until the case was cleared, there was no way we could let her stick around.  Maybe after the gala on Friday-- MUSIC OUT A6_FRIDAY PAUL    Friday!  Holy cow! DONNA    Whazzat?  PAUL    Nothing.  I need to give Willard a call.  See if there's any new payments going down the line. DONNA    Why don't you let me handle that?  Isn't that what assistants are for? PAUL    We don't get paid if you hurt him. DONNA    Over the phone?  I'll be very nice. PAUL    You go on ahead, then.  I have a few other loose ends to tie up. DONNA    Like? PAUL    Nothing I can't handle.  You go on. DONNA    [suspicious] Riiiight.  I'm out. MUSIC IN PAUL    [long sigh]  I was going to have to call Oftheguard and let him know we were otherwise engaged this Friday.  I hoped he hadn't done much in the way of planning.  But I knew Donna wouldn't want to let anything get in the way of finishing a case.  I was even thinking he might be handy to have around when-- SOUND    PHONE RINGS PAUL    [checking if she's around] Donna?  Oh well.  Music? MUSIC OUT A7_WHISPERS SOUND     PHONE PICKED UP PAUL    Hello? HERBIE    [whispered] I got it. PAUL    Got what? HERBIE    What they're up to.  They plan to claim the film's been stolen, and cash in on the insurance.  Maybe even ask a ransom. PAUL    So - last minute, no film, and they're in the clear? HERBIE    Gotta go. SOUND    PHONE HANGS UP DONNA    Guess it's time to report to the client. PAUL    [surprised] Yah!  Didn’t you leave? DONNA    Couldn't think of anything interesting to do.  SOUND    PHONE DIALING MUSIC IN DONNA    Sometimes, the P.I. biz is just a lot of waiting, false starts, and standing around in the rain.  MUSIC OUT A8_REPORT PAUL    Or giving bad news. WILLARD    [on phone] What bad news? MUSIC IN PAUL    I gave him the run-down, and he took it pretty well. MUSIC OUT WILLARD    [screaming] NooO!  You simply MUST do something! DONNA    [off] I could get him some more chicory! PAUL    We were hired to get info, not to-- WILLARD    Then I'm hiring you again!  Money is no object, as long as you save Mr. Emperor's reputation! PAUL    I guess we need to find someone who can make you a movie. SOUND    PHONE HANGS UP DONNA    In two days?  [idea] I'll handle that.  Why don't you figure out what to do with the crooks when we get them? PAUL    But-- DONNA    Then we can skip ahead to the denouement! PAUL    But-- DONNA    This should be fun! A9_EMPEROR SOUND    DOOR SHUTS PAUL    [weakly, disbelieving] In two days?  [sigh]  Well, they can't expect miracles... MUSIC IN PAUL    Oh, all right.  The night of the big show arrived.  The theater was full of all those glittering people who appear out of nowhere every time a red carpet unrolls.  Crowned heads and nouveau riche, stars and those who just had stars in their eyes.  I was with Mr. Emperor only moments before the curtain was to go up. EMPEROR     [emperor only speaks in bellows] [on phone] What are you talking about?  The canisters were just delivered! TOM    [On phone]  They what? EMPEROR    They're being set up this minute - you could have given them some more time, you know. TOM    But, the ransom call just came in! EMPEROR    Must be a hoax.  Come on down and enjoy the show. TOM    I don't-- PAUL    They really should be here to take their share of the credit. EMPEROR    The car should be there about now. SOUND    RECEIVER SLAMMED DOWN EMPEROR    You can go now.  The projector staff have the cans well in hand. PAUL    I'm supposed to stay and keep an eye on them after the debut also. WILLARD    I'll find him a seat somewhere.  EMPEROR    Fine, fine.  See you after the show. SOUND    DOOR SLAM PAUL    Is he angry? WILLARD    No, why? PAUL    Nothing. WILLARD    What if the film is bad? What do we do? PAUL    Plan b is set the projector room on fire after the first reel. WILLARD    Really? PAUL    No!  But what you need to do is go out there and give the film a big buildup.  Make a point that it's very highbrow and intellectual and that only the most perceptive people will understand and appreciate it.  You know the kind of thing - butter up the audience with one hand, threaten them with the other. WILLARD    I work for producers, of course I know. PAUL    Go for it. B1_FINALE MUSIC IN DONNA    The movie had a bit of a rough start, but once the people got used to the pace, they seemed to get into it.  Since there were no kids in the audience to get restless and start saying obnoxious things, it seemed to go over pretty well. PAUL    I made a point of being in the hallway outside emperor's box, and when the culprits tried to slink away at the last minute... MUSIC OUT PAUL    Where do you think you're going? TOM    uh... concessions.  Need more popcorn. DICK    Me too. PAUL    Movie's nearly over.  Don't you want to take your bows? DICK    But it ain't our-- TOM    Stifle!  He meant it ain't our style to be in the public eye, you see.  C'mon-- DONNA    Not so fast. DICK    A big guy and a pair of dames?  Don't make me laugh. PAUL    I wouldn't-- TOM    Oh, jeez!  It's her!  [muttered to dick] We'd have a better chance with the brute. DICK    Really? TOM    [up] What do youse guys want? DONNA     We want to avoid any unpleasantness for Mr. Emperor, so your job is to go out there and take your bows, and introduce your writer-director, Sherry here. SHERRY    Hi! DONNA    She's real good with a story, and saved everyone's butts. SHERRY    You wanted avant garde - and I was dying to try something new. PAUL     I still can't believe you finished it in two days. SHERRY    I had a good subject to work with. TOM    But what're we supposed to do after tonight? DONNA    I suggest take some filmmaking lessons - if this is a success, you're going to have half the studios around looking to hire you, and most are a bit more picky than Mr. Emperor. PAUL    Don't worry - you can always go into seclusion, after completion of your masterwork. SHERRY    Just as long as I get my credit - and since I mastered the final titles, I DO [laughs]. I'll get any work I want after this.  Picture it - "A Scherezade production" in big lights!  I'll keep 'em coming back, night after night. MUSIC IN B2_BIRTHDAY DONNA    And it went over with a bang - primed as they were, no one was willing to admit that the film "wooden you" - a more or less still shot of one guy's face as he answers a series of more and more odd and uncomfortable questions - was strange or incomprehensible, or even dull. PAUL    There was even a certain hush in the theater from time to time - waiting to see if his response would be a lie. DONNA    How she talked Pinocchio into it, we'll never know.  On the other hand, if there's one thing Sherry's good at, it's getting folks to listen to her. PAUL    Sorry to miss your birthday by the way. DONNA    Eek! PAUL    I said I was sorry! DONNA    [warning] Voice over! PAUL    We were just getting back to the office, when-- MUSIC OUT DONNA    ixnay on the irthday-bay. PAUL    I- what? DONNA    I was hoping everyone forgot. PAUL    Oh.  Sorry, then, for that. SOUND    KEY IN LOCK, DOOR OPENS, A COUPLE OF STEPS CROWD    Surprise! PAUL    I didn't - what the - not my fault! DONNA    What? OFTHEGUARD    Didn't mean to startle you - your secretary let us in. DONNA    What? GOLDY    Sorry boss.  Bosses.  Who can say no to such a face? PAUL AND DONNA    Bosses? GOLDY    Try getting rid of me.  Besides, I make a mean cuppa joe! CLOSING

A tale of ... vengeance... the title basically says it.

The best laid plans.... sometimes end up on their heads.   [Somehow didn't come out when I planned]

CRY WOLF (B&B Investigations, Case 1) In a world part 1940s film noir and part Grimms, B&B Investigations are hired to clear the name of one "Mr. Wolf", who was allegedly killed after devouring a grandmother...  Written and produced by Julie Hoverson   Cast List Paul Bette - Joel Harvey Donna Bella - Julie Hoverson Captain Oftheguard - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Wolf - Rhys TM Rumplestiltskin - Philemon Vanderbeck Red - Julia Carson Little Boy Blue - Beverly Poole Portia - Chandra Wade Prince - Mr. Synyster Additional Voices - Cole Hornaday Music:  Buz Hendricks, Somewhere Off Jazz Street (via Jamendo) 19 Nocturne Main Theme:  Kevin McLeod (incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover design:  Front: Brett Coulstock   "What kind of a place is it?  Why it's a private detective's office, can't you tell?" ************************************************ CRY WOLF Cast: Olivia (opening credits) Donna Bella - slumming society dame Paul Bett - roughneck P.I. Mrs. Wolf - distraught widow Red - hot tamale and damsel in dis dress Captain Oftheguard - police investigator Boy Blue - patticake ragamuffin Winky, Blinky, Noddy - sewing Crones Rumpy Stiltskin - snitch Portia - Lawyer from across the pond Prince Officer Sees-Real-Far ANNOUNCER    19 Nocturne Boulevard. CABBIE    Nocturne Boulevard?  Not far.  When you hit Howard, hang a right.  Howard meets Phillip at a weird kind of angle, then you cross James and Poe.  You can't miss Nocturne - it's just past the automat. ANNOUNCER    19 Nocturne Boulevard, your address for suspenseful stories of the speculative, strange, and supernatural.  Tonight's story is called Wolf's Clothing SOUND    KNOCK ON DOOR.  DOOR OPENS. OLIVIA    [sultry voice]  Yes.  This is 19 Nocturne Boulevard, won't you step inside? SOUND    FOOTSTEPS OLIVIA    Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a private detective's office, can't you tell? MUSIC    SULTRY NOIR SAX MRS. WOLF    I know he was a beast-- PAUL    Hey! MRS. WOLF    But he was mine.  And now he's dead. DONNA    Seems like a cut and dried case, Mrs. Wolf.  What exactly do you want us to do? MRS. WOLF    They're saying my dear sweet husband Loopy killed this old lady and was taken down by a "good Samaritan" before he could escape.  But he would never do anything like that! VOICEOVER MUSIC BEGINS DONNA    [voiceover]  We'd seen it all before.  But that's what you get in P-I work - more of denial than Egypt in flood season, and more grief than happily ever afters.  Lives are like mirrors - once they're shattered, they can never be quite put back together. PAUL    [voiceover] Mrs. Wolf was a typical criminal's window.  Never willing to admit that the dead beloved might have actually been a predator-- DONNA    [voiceover]  Hey!  This is my voiceover. PAUL    [voiceover]  You said we were going to start splitting them.  And you kept top billing. DONNA    [voiceover]  That's my Paul.  Paul Bette.  Despite his excruciatingly gruff and intimidating exterior, he always has to be the logical one. PAUL    [voiceover]  And that's my Donna.  Donna Bella.  She's a lot more than just a pretty face.  VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS TO FADE OUT DONNA    [voiceover]  I am right here. PAUL    [voiceover]  Hmph.  Maybe you'll learn something.  Is it my turn now? DONNA    [voiceover]  Nah, let's cut back to the scene. VOICEOVER MUSIC ENDS MRS. WOLF    It's like you're not even listening to me!  DONNA    Sorry.  So your husband was killed in the commission of a crime-- PAUL    Alleged crime.  Alleged commission. MRS. WOLF    Loopy would never do that!  He's always been a good husband and father-- DONNA    Forgive me for asking, Mrs. Wolf, but has he been known to, well, hunt in other pastures? PAUL    That was surprisingly tactful. DONNA    Thank you. MRS. WOLF    You're asking if he ever ran around on me? DONNA    You know, a little howl at the moon?  A little lamb on the side? MRS. WOLF    Well Loopy was no saint-- PAUL    It will help us help you. MRS. WOLF    [Sobs, then grudgingly] Yes. I always knew he was a bit of a dog, but I loved him.  And there were always the cubs to consider. DONNA    Let's get down to the teeth of the matter.  What exactly do you want us to do?  Your husband's killer is no secret - in fact he's all over the papers as a big hero.  "Simple woodcutter saves young girl from fate of devoured gramma."  Story on page 7. MRS. WOLF    It's the insurance.  They're refusing to pay out since he died while committing a crime.  I wouldn't ask if it was just for me, but our pack - well, we'll hardly be able to hold our muzzles up in public. VOICEOVER MUSIC BEGINS     PAUSE DONNA    [voiceover] ... OK, you go. PAUL    [voiceover]  Thank you.  The case was the biggest thing to hit the hot sheets since the disappearance of debutante White last year.  Nothing sparks the interest like someone getting devoured. DONNA    [voiceover] ...And a little heavily implied sex.  The facts were pretty cut and dried.  Red reached gramma's cottage at 10 p.m., only to find the door unlocked and most of the light bulbs unscrewed.  A voice from the bedroom called out for her to come in. VOICEOVER MUSIC CUTS OUT PAUL    We should check and see if Mr. Wolf was known for voice impersonations. DONNA    Noted.  So-- PAUL    [cutting her off] So Red went in to deliver gramma's goodies-- DONNA    [upping the ante] --and didn't realize at first that the person tucked up in bed was not her dear sweet gran-- PAUL    [stealing the punchline, almost breathless] --but a bloodthirsty wolf, dressed in the clothes of the little old lady he had devoured just moments earlier. DONNA    [sigh]  Why didn't she notice?  We need to check on Red's eyesight.  Seems fishy to me.  Could she have been expecting something? PAUL    I've heard some interesting things about Red.  Maybe I should tackle her alone. DONNA    Me too - [catty] I've heard that if her riding hood was a car, it would come with a rumble seat and a convertible roof.  PAUL    [wolfish] They do say she likes to run around with the top down. DONNA    [sweetly]  Well, you go on ahead.  I'll stop in on the Captain and see if I can wiggle loose a copy of the official report. PAUL    Nothing doing!  I know just what kind of wiggling you-- [cut off by music] VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS DONNA    [voiceover, very satisfied]  So we paid a little call on Red.  Together. PAUL    [voiceover]  Hey!  Let me finish. DONNA    [voiceover]  Tell me on the way. SOUND    CAR DOORS.  CAR DRIVES OFF  CAR ENGINE UNDER PAUL    Bella? DONNA    [romantic-ish] Yes, Paul? PAUL    [musing] What would you do if you walked into, say, my bedroom... DONNA    Oh, Paul? PAUL    [not noticing] And crept up to the burly figure tucked up in bed.... DONNA    [giggles]  Um-hum? PAUL    [still oblivious] and when you got close enough to get a good look, you see-- DONNA    [sultry] What would I see, Paul? PAUL    --A wolf in a nightcap? DONNA    What?  I mean, you're a bit shaggy around the edges, but-- PAUL    Huh?  I was thinking of Red.  What were ... you...? DONNA    [snappish] Teasing.  You're right.  Even if she had to get close before noticing, there's too much chance she'll spot the switch.  That's quite a risk he took. PAUL    Why are you so flushed?  Are you OK? DONNA    Huh?  [covering badly]  Thrill of the chase.  Are we there yet? VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS DONNA    [whispering]  I think he's - yep - he's gone.  Well, as you might have noticed, my big lug of a partner doesn't seem to know I'm alive - except as a sidekick and a sleuth.  I've heard of girls who want to be loved for their minds, but everything from my neck down was getting lonely.  So I --- Oops, here he--  [clears throat] When we got to Red's address-- PAUL    Did I miss anything? DONNA    Nope!  --the windows of the bungalow were dark and a FOR SALE sign sat in the yard. PAUL    What's ... wrong? DONNA    [snap] Nothing. VOICEOVER MUSIC ENDS SOUND    OUTDOOR NOISES PAUL    No, really. DONNA    Well, there is one thing... [beat]  Why would she sell her house right after her brush with death? PAUL    Bad memories? DONNA    But that would be Gramma's house, wouldn't it? PAUL    So where's Red? CAPTAIN    [off, coming on]  She's staying at the Perrault Hilton - makes it easier to avoid the press. DONNA    [all sweetness, not fake] Captain Oftheguard, what are you doing here? PAUL    [growls] CAPTAIN    I could ask you the same thing.  What's the deal?  This is hardly the most interesting case in town, seeing as we've already got everything handled - one dead killer, one live hero-- PAUL    And one red hot media bombshell.  Getting any good press lately? DONNA    Ssh!  We've been asked to look into a couple things.  You know how insurance companies are.  CAPTAIN    [warning] Look, this case is wrapped up tighter than a ballgown in a walnut, and the last thing I need is you two poking your noses into it and messing it up.  I don't want to see you anywhere near this case, you hear?  I've got a glass mountain just waiting for the first one to get in my way. PAUL    Oh yeah? DONNA    Shh. Bruce-- CAPTAIN    [softening, but stern] Don't Bruce me, Donna.  Why a nice girl like you wants to be a private eye is beyond me.  Call me when you want to go legit. PAUL    [growls] CAPTAIN    Take it up with the king, pal. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS STOMP AWAY DONNA    Why can't you be civil? PAUL    I don't like him.  He treats you like you should be locked in a tower. DONNA    Tsch.  He just-- BOY BLUE    Pardon me, good miss, good sir, have you seen a mangy cur? PAUL    Pfui.  Get away. DONNA    No need to-- PAUL    I hate patticakes. DONNA    If not for them, who'd do all the scut work? Cartoon mice?  Paul, why don't you run along and see if you can talk to Red?  I'll catch a cab late - it's Bee night anyway. PAUL    But--? VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS DONNA    I have to explain the patticakes, dear.  You'll have plenty of time to get across town. PAUL    [muttering, going off] They come in here, take all the jobs... DONNA    You may have noticed a certain theme to our world.  Well, the patticakes hail from a completely different land. PAUL    [off, yelling]  They don't even speak good English! DONNA    [sigh]  They're stuck in the past, and limited in their abilities, but they do just fine at menial labor, so they get hired under the table by people too cheap or too broke to find someone local.  Luckily, when I was a kid, my nanny was an old woman who lived in a shoe, so I knew the lingo. VOICEOVER MUSIC ENDS PAUL    [yelling, off] And they do stupid things like jump over candle-sticks--  DONNA    [yelling back] It's over! PAUL    [off, not yelling]  Oh. DONNA    [sigh]  Right.  Hmm...  [thinking noises] question - no that's a hard one, little boy blue... wait, no... I've got it!  [to boy]      I've seen no dog, my boy in blue, but I have something to ask you. BOY BLUE    Lovely Lady, kind and fair I'll answer anything I dare! DONNA    Just a moment.  [thinking again, then]      I need to know about Miss Red Or about the wolf that's dead BOY BLUE    The wolf is dead? Oh lackaday! He had me watch his car for pay. DONNA    You mean the wolf came here?  What-- oh! [thinking hard, trying to rhyme]  BOY BLUE    I see the sinking of the sun My mother worries - I must run! SOUND    FOOTSTEPS RUN OFF DONNA    Damn!  But why would Mr. Wolf have come here?  If Red knew him-- VOICEOVER MUSIC CUTS HER OFF DONNA    What? PAUL    I need to muse.  Take a break. DONNA    Are you spying on me? PAUL    [genuinely shocked] No!  I wouldn't-- DONNA    Good.  PAUL    [clears throat] I figured this was as good a time as any to tap my underworld contacts, see if there was any connection between red and the wolf-- DONNA    Don't you dare!  That's my clue! PAUL    Now who's spying? DONNA    I'll go away, but only if you don't follow my clue. PAUL    [growl]  Oh, Done. DONNA    Fine. PAUL    [loudly] Then I decided to tap my underworld contacts to see if the woodcutter had any prior grudge against the wolf-- DONNA    [off] That's better! PAUL    And I figured after that, I could swing by ...Captain ...Oftheguard's... office--  [quietly] Donna?  [waits]  Whew.  [chuckles, then fondly]  She's a real salamander when she gets started.  Look, don't tell her this, [listens again for a second] but, I feel like such a - well, a beast - when I see her and Oftheguard together.  He's an old friend of the family - when her father the big time importer had a few bad business breaks, he helped them keep the wolf from the door, and I always figured it was to get close to her, since her sisters are no prize.  That's how Donna ended up coming to work for me.  Times were tough.  [putting a brave face on it] Now that her father's back in the shipping fast lane, I figure it's just a matter of time before she gets bored with keeping company with a roughneck like me and goes back to her high society friends.  PAUL    [breaking a little]  I don't know how I'll get by without her, but there's no way a gorgeous dame like her could ever be interested in a big hairy brute like yours truly.  And what could I say?  Every time I try and come up with something romantic, all I think of is "will you marry me?" which is bound to be slapped down.  So I make light and pretend I don't see her lovely eyes and shiny red hair... [sigh that's almost a growl]  DONNA    I'm back - miss me? PAUL    I, no, I-- [going off] have to meet a guy. DONNA    I'll never understand him.  [beat]  What?  Oh, fine - [sigh] I got to the bee.  [beat] Why isn't the music ending?  I've arrived.  [beat]  Tsk.  [exasperated sigh]  Grand balls may be the obvious social events of high society, but the sewing bees are the true heart of the old dame's network.  We get together to spin and weave and sew ... and dish.  [calling off]  Good enough? VOICEOVER MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY DONNA    [sarcastic]  Thanks.  SOUND    KNOCK ON DOOR WINKY    [muffled] Come in! SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS  DONNA    Hey, ladies!  Winky, nice glasses.  Blinky, how's the gout?  Nod - What happened to your hunch? NODDY    [sounding like Marty Feldman] What hunch? DONNA    Huh?  Nevermind.  I brought Pies! THE LADIES    [noises of happy excitement] WINKY    Is this that Pieman friend of yours? DONNA    Might be.  [chuckles]  Never hurts to have pals in low places.  Hey, Tilda's not here?  Did she finally finish those shirts for her seven brothers? BLINKY    All but one sleeve, can you believe it?  No one ever understand how long these things take.  DONNA    I'd'a thought she be here chatting up a storm, just about now. NODDY    She's on her honeymoon, the wench! PAUL    [off, calling]  Enough of this Lifetime moment.  Can I have the narrative for a while?  There's actually something happening over here. DONNA    [loud whisper] Oh, all right, but - where's the-- VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS HASTILY DONNA and PAUL    Thank you! PAUL    May I? DONNA    [fondly] Brute.  [long sexy sigh, then fading away]  Very well.  PAUL    [lustful growl, then shakes himself out of it]  That woman.  Where was I?  Right.  My best contact, Rumpy - that little weasel - was just coming out of his basement for the night as I rolled up. VOICEOVER MUSIC FADES SOUND    STREET NOISES, FOOTSTEPS PAUL    Hey Rump.  Any straw to gold today? RUMPY    [surprised]  Oh!  Oh, it's you, Bett.  Whadja want? PAUL    Come on old pal!  Can't a guy just look you up for old times sake? RUMPY    You know, and I know, we got no old times, me old son.  Show me the money.  Unless you have, uh, something a bit more round and pink handy? PAUL    No babes today, Rump.  You're old enough, you wouldn't know what to do with one if you did get one.  Right, then.  I want the skinny on the Wolf massacre. RUMPY    Wolf?  I don't seem to recall-- SOUND    CLINK OF HEAVY COINS PAUL    This refresh your memory?  RUMPY    Oh, you mean the Red Riding Hood rescue.  PAUL    I want to know more about the wolf, and I heard you two sometimes ended up at the same watering holes.  What kind of guy was he? RUMPY    [losing the sly undertones]  Truly, I never would have pegged him as a grammavore.  Never saw him touch anything harder than lamb kebobs, if you get my drift.   PAUL    No steak tartare?  No little pigs? RUMPY    Truly, Bett, on my mother's grave.  He was a bit secretive the last few days, though, leering and preening and hinting he had a new lady friend.  Said something about her being real hot stuff.  PAUL    Red hot? RUMPY    [cagey again] Yes... he might have said something like that.  But he did say one thing solid, that I almost recall... SOUND    CLINK OF MORE COINS RUMPY     Ah, yes, it all comes back to me.  He mentioned how she was, um, a bit experimental, in the...  boudoir, so to speak. PAUL    Kinky? RUMPY    To put a bald face on it, yes.  He said she liked him to 'dress up'. VOICEOVER MUSIC DONNA    [after a pause] What, no snappy wrap up? PAUL    Frankly, I'm a little creeped out. DONNA    Oh, all right, let's meet up outside the office. PAUL    Yeah, good. VOICEOVER MUSIC FADES AMBIANCE    STREET NOISES SOUND    HORSE GOES BY QUICKLY, THEN SUDDENLY HOOFBEATS STOP DONNA    [yelling off] Hey!  Just because that thing can fly doesn't mean there isn't a scoop law! PAUL    [very tired]  Morning. DONNA    What happened to you?  Phew - you smell like an elvish cobbler shop. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS ON SIDEWALK, THEY AMBLE OFF TO WORK PAUL    I was tapping rumpy.  [flustered] I mean , I was getting the low-down from my contacts. DONNA    Stiltskin's about as low down as they get... PAUL    You get anything at the Bee? DONNA    Not much.  Neither one sees to have run in our circles.  Seems Gramma didn't get out much, and Red moves in - well, much FASTER circles... PAUL    I see. DONNA    One thing, though.  Rapunzel showed up for a bit - she's legal counsel for the highway board, you know? - and said that SHE'd heard of Gramma‑‑ PRINCE    Halt there!  PAUL    What?  It's too early for-- PRINCE    Unhand that fair maiden! PAUL    Who, her? DONNA    What? PRINCE    Don't worry - I am here to save you!  Take heart, dear lady!  PAUL    Um, fellow-- DONNA    [ramping up] What? PRINCE    This foul beast cannot harm you ever again!  Rescue is at hand! PAUL    Look out, he's gotta sword! PRINCE    Have at!  Hah! DONNA    WHAT! MUSIC STING CAPTAIN    I am disappointed in you.  That poor, poor prince-- PAUL    [muttered] He started it. CAPTAIN     Brawling on the street like a couple of - drunken...  um... drunkards. DONNA    He must be annoyed, he's dropping his similes. CAPTAIN    Shut up!  You'll be lucky if he doesn't press charges!  I'm still trying to decide if I should toss you in a dungeon. DONNA    Huh?  I didn't even break his nose until he brought up Stockholm Syndrome. PAUL    She was very understated. DONNA    Thank you. CAPTAIN    I don't CARE!  I won't have it in my town! PAUL    Look, if it will get him to forgo filing a complaint, tell him he can tell everyone it was me that done him over.  Much less embarrassing to the folks back home. CAPTAIN    [sigh, resigned] Fine.  Get outta here.  I know where to find you. SOUND    CHAIR SCRAPE, FOOTSTEPS, THEN STEPS PAUSE PAUL    One thing, Captain - was there an autopsy on Mr. Wolf? CAPTAIN    Autopsy?  Why would we do that?  It was obvious how he died! PAUL    I was more interested in his stomach contents... CAPTAIN     Besides, after the woodcutter got through with him, there wasn't much cutting left to --  stomach contents? PAUL    Just curious.  We'll get out of your way. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SHUTS DONNA    Think he'll go for it? PAUL    fifty-fifty. DONNA    Is that a bet? VOICEOVER MUSIC PAUL    We decided to speak with the only killer we were sure of - even if he was the hero of the day.  The woodcutter had been mighty quiet.... END VOICEOVER DONNA    That was short and sweet. PAUL    I'm still hung over. DONNA    This is the place. SOUND    KNOCKING ON A DOOR, PAUSE THEN KNOCKING AGAIN PAUL    Uh-oh. DONNA    What? PAUL    In the window. DONNA    [gasp!]  Is he--? PAUL    Well, he could be sleeping.  On the floor.  In a puddle of blood... Here--[effort] SOUND    DOOR BEING FORCED, HIS FOOTSTEPS DONNA    [off, calling] Anything? PAUL    Nothing obvious. DONNA    [off] Check him for combs and poison apples, but be careful, Paul! PAUL    [quiet]  I love it when she worries. DONNA    [off] What? PAUL    Nothing.  [grunts as he rolls him over]  Aha.  Stabbed in the back. DONNA    With what? PAUL    I have an idea...  And look at this! SOUND    HER FOOTSTEPS COME ON DONNA    What is--?  Why would he have one of those? PAUL    Maybe a souvenir from Gramma's house? DONNA    No - she only had one, and the wolf was wearing it when he died. PAUL    Hmm.... DONNA    I'll call Captain Oftheguard-- PAUL    No, we'll need him. DONNA    Need him for what? VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS PAUL    [importantly] The denouement. DONNA    Are we there already? PAUL    Oh, yes.  [clears throat]  So we rounded up all the unusual suspects - DONNA    There's actually only the one.  Red. PAUL    Oh, well, we got Red and Oftheguard to meet us at Gramma's cottage, a one-room, run-down little affair that had definitely seen better days - three or four kings ago. VOICEOVER MUSIC STOPS DONNA    All present and -- who are you? RED    [VERY SULTRY]  That's my attorney Portia. PORTIA    [VERY BRITISH, acknowledging the intro]  Most noble lady. PAUL    Portia? DONNA    [whispered] I think she's from across the pond. PAUL    [growls, then mutters] First patticakes, now Shakespeareans - what's next?  DONNA    Shh.  Denouement, remember? PAUL    Right.  [pulls himself together]  Daymoo-- [sighs, almost a growl] Denouement.  DONNA    Should I start? RED     Well somebody should. CAPTAIN    We're all here. PAUL    Fine.  We were hired to investigate the circumstances of a violent death-- RED    My Gramma? PAUL    Actually, no.  We're talking about the death of Mr. Wolf, at the hands of a woodcutter. RED    But he was protecting little old me.  That's not murder! DONNA    Stuff it up your riding hood, Red.  Let Paul talk. PAUL    [growls appreciatively]  As I was saying, Wolf's wife, loyal to the end, insisted that while he might have been on the prowl, he wasn't a killer.  And she was right, wasn't she, Captain? CAPTAIN    He?  [grudgingly]  Turns out you're right.  There was no sign of gramma in the wolf's stomach contents. DONNA    Great! CAPTAIN    [defensive]  But there was Gramma - bits - found in his mouth and teeth - so there was no reason for us to look any farther. PAUL    Understandable.  CAPTAIN    The guard is always busy, and understaffed.  DONNA    We're agreeing with you. PAUL    So the wolf was a patsy.  A fall guy.  PORTIA    What, like icarus? DONNA    Don't confuse him. PAUL    And once we rule out who seemed to be the murderer, we have to look at motive.  CAPTAIN    Which is? RED    Yes, enlighten us - If you think I want to own this run-down little rathole, you're sadly mistaken.  It's so old, it might as well have been built out of gingerbread. DONNA    Ah!  Well I found out, from a contact in the D-A's office and highway planning board, that there's been a highway supposed to go through this very spot, but it's been held up in the planning stages, since Gramma didn't want to sell. RED    [gasp] PORTIA    Is there something I should know? SOUND    KNOCK ON THE DOOR CAPTAIN    That will be Officer Sees-Real-Far.  [raising voice] come in! S-R-F    We did what you said sir, and-- CAPTAIN    [lowering his voice] And? S-R-F    [low] out behind the woodshed sir. CAPTAIN    Very good. PORTIA    In the interest of disclosure, sire--[don't forget her best line - the devil is in the details, milord] CAPTAIN    In a bit.  Go on. DONNA    But even if Red had a very good motive - by the way, my contact also said the board bought the land this morning - and for a pretty penny. RED    [petulant] I may be in mourning for my gramma, but business is business. DONNA    Right.  We come to the death of the woodcutter.  Supposedly an innocent bystander, dragged in to the whole mess out of pure chivalry and civic duty. PAUL    Or was he--? RED    What are you implying?  You won't find anyone who saw us together until AFTER the fact. PORTIA    I ought to caution you to remain silent. RED    Why?  I have nothing to hide. PORTIA    Yes, I can tell by your dress. DONNA    Back to the subject.  PAUL    Funny you should mention dresses, there, mouthpiece.  Because the wolf - who also was probably never seen with you, Red, was howling to all his friends about a hot little number‑‑ DONNA    --red-hot-- PAUL    --who was keeping company with him, and how she was a little kinky. RED    Shut up! PAUL    She liked him to dress up-- RED    Tell him I'll sue! PAUL    In an old lady's nightgown. RED    [collapses into tears] DONNA    It started out as part of the plot, didn't it?  Just a way to get him into the nightie before he tucked himself up and waited for you?  PAUL    But you realized it really got your ball rolling.  DONNA    Otherwise, why would we have found this-- SOUND    NIGHTGOWN PULLED OUT OF BAG DONNA    In the woodcutter's bedroom? CAP, RED, POR    [GASP!!] RED    I forgot about that... PAUL    Not hard, since just as you didn't actually kill the wolf, you didn't actually kill the woodcutter either. DONNA    [completely surprised]  She didn't? PAUL    [pleased with himself]  Nope.  Captain, I think you already have that killer in custody. CAPTAIN    [baffled]  I do? DONNA    Come on!  Spill! PAUL    That prince who attacked us on the street, beautiful.  While you were -- CAPTAIN     Causing a disturbance. DONNA    Defending myself. PAUL    Turning into a whirlwind, I happened to notice his sword had a tiny smear of dried blood on it.  It didn't strike me at the time, except that he was pretty careless with his weapon. DONNA    And the woodcutter--? PAUL    When I saw the stab wound in his back, I thought it looked strange - awkward.  Sword's aren't made for that, but they'll do.  I think you'll find, Captain when you do an autopsy on the poor fellow, that it's the same caliber. CAPTAIN    Swords don't have calibers. DONNA    So it's an Ex-caliber? PAUL    [growls]  Size, shape, whatever.  Don't nitpick, this is the big payoff! DONNA    So she vamped him into killing the wolf-- PAUL    Not too hard, a poor but honest woodcutter, and a tamale like that-- DONNA    He must have thought he died and went to heaven. PAUL    And he did, just the other way round. CAPTAIN    So this prince--? DONNA    She must have heard we were onto her. PAUL    And she gave him a sob story and sent him round to take me out. DONNA    Possibly hoping I'd get caught in the crossfire-- um cross sword, um... PAUL    Fray? DONNA    Fray.  Yes. PORTIA    But you still have no proof of any of this.  CAPTAIN    [chuckles] That's where you're wrong, milady. PAUL    Oh? CAPTAIN    My officer just now?  Well, I had some of my boys dig around out back, and guess what they found? RED    Oh No! PORTIA    My client is admitting nothing. CAPTAIN    They found Gramma.  Dead.  Buried under the woodshed.  And I think we're going to find she wasn't killed by wolf, woodcutter or demented prince.  Eh, Red? RED    All right!  I did it!  She was a tiresome senile old biddy who stockpiled newspapers and put food out for the bluebird of happiness!  She had no reason to live, let alone to keep me from my dreams! DONNA    Which are? RED    [unconvincing] Oh, you know - fame fortune, marry a prince. PAUL    Really? RED    [admitting] Ok, so my only dream is to kill her and get a bunch of money, is that so wrong? VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS DONNA    A nice end to another tough case.  Mrs. Wolf got her insurance money, and the cubs can go to college-- PAUL    Red got her comeuppance, and the prince went into therapy-- DONNA    And the money from the sale of gramma's land went to a distant relation living in a pumpkin shell. PAUL    [grumbling] Patticakes. DONNA    And we-- PAUL    --we got our fee-- DONNA    --and the warm feeling-- PAUL    --of helping someone in need. DONNA    Stop!  Darn it Paul.  I'm tired of this. PAUL    Of what? DONNA    All of this.  Fighting over voiceovers, everything. PAUL    You-- you mean? DONNA    Yes. PAUL    Well, I can't say I wasn't expecting it. DONNA    I've just been holding out to be nice. PAUL    [wilting] Of course. DONNA    So, as of tomorrow-- PAUL    [growly sigh, very small] Yes? DONNA    I want my own damn voiceover music! PAUL    [immensely cheered] Oh! CLOSING OLIVIA    Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back.  Maybe next week?  Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...

An anomaly on an asteroid leads to ... what?

Written by Julie Hoverson, loosely based on a story by O Henry (The Duplicity of Hargraves) An actor takes a chance to help out a friend.   Cast List Hargraves - Charles Austin Miller Governor - Dave Marshall Lydia - Dawn Harvey Music by  Enox Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Charles Austin Miller   What kind of a place is it? Why it's an unfashionable residence hotel on a space station, can't you tell?" ************************************************ Duplicity [Loosely inspired by the Duplicity of Hargraves by O. Henry] Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Governor Pendleton, elderly man, slightly senile Lydia, his daughter Anthony Hargraves, the actor/Mac Bac   OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a quaint old boarding hotel on a teensy out of the way unfashionable space platform, of the classic sci fi kind, can't you tell?  MUSIC SCENE 1.    AMB    GOVERNOR'S HOME SOUND     SCI FI DOORS SHUSHS OPEN GOVERNOR    Anthony! So pleased to see you.  Come right in. ANTHONY    Thank you so much for having me, sir. SOUND    DOOR SHUSHES SHUT GOVERNOR    Have a seat.  [commanding] Gamma mu?  [beat, waiting]  Gamma mu?  [petulant] Where is that robot? LYDIA    [coming in] Oh, father.  I'm so sorry I forgot to tell you.  Gamma Mu is in the shop. GOVERNOR    That's preposterous!  Back in my day, they built robots to last!  LYDIA    Gamma Mu is getting on in years, just as you are father.  [choking up a bit] It should be back in working order in a couple of days.  I - I think I smell something burning-- SOUND    SHE DASHES OUT GOVERNOR    [courtly again] If you will excuse me, Anthony, I shall have to go and fetch the drinks tray myself. ANTHONY    Oh, please, don't bother yourself, Governor!  I'm happy to do that.  GOVERNOR    You are a guest in my house, young man. ANTHONY    And I am quite used to having to look after myself.  [a chuckle] Besides, I'm sure Lydia has everything ready - it won't take any effort on my part at all. GOVERNOR    She's a good girl.  Too bad she never married. ANTHONY    [agreeing, but not encouraging] Yes. SOUND    DOOR SHUSHES OPEN, SHUT LYDIA    [crying quietly in the background] ANTHONY    Lydia? LYDIA    [gasp, then trying to get over the crying jag, sniffling, wiping her face, etc.  A couple of breaths, then an attempt to be cheery]  Over here. SOUND    HE TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS.  SOUND    SHE PUTS GLASSES ON A TRY ANTHONY    What's wrong? LYDIA    [brittle, pretending cheer] Oh, Mr. Hargraves.  What makes you think something's wrong? ANTHONY    Lydia.  If there's one thing any actor worth his salt learns before anything else, it's how to tell when someone is lying. LYDIA    [sniffle, almost loses it]  It's - it's not your problem. ANTHONY    Will you let me help?  Is it something about Gamma Mu?  I mean, I know you've had that robot for years-- LYDIA    [sudden rush of admission] I pawned it. ANTHONY    What? LYDIA    It's not broken.  And it's not coming back.  [heavy sigh]  We needed the money. ANTHONY    But your father's estates-- LYDIA    Venus is in a recession.  And the incomes simply can't keep up with the cost of living.  Space station habitats are so expensive. ANTHONY    You could-- go back to a surface home? LYDIA    Hah.  No place will have father, even now.  We're just lucky that HERE, in a place so [distasteful] mercenary, no one cares about what he did any more.  Hmph.  If they ever did. ANTHONY    He was never prosecuted. LYDIA    He didn't do anything worse than any other territorial governor.  He was ... made an example of.  And, being father, he refused to unbend and let some PR firm mend his reputation.  He truly believes he was, and always has been, in the right. ANTHONY    [gentle] The Venusians see it differently. LYDIA    [bitter] Oh, yes, take their side. ANTHONY    I'm not!  I just... once you've played both the good and the bad enough times, you start to see things from everyone's side.  You simply can't help yourself. SOUND    RATTLE OF GLASSES ON TRAY LYDIA    [controlled again] Here.  Father will be wondering where you got to. ANTHONY    [cajoling] Lydia-- LYDIA    [dismissing him] Mr. Hargraves. SOUND    DOOR SHUSHES OPEN, SHUT LYDIA    [heavy sigh] SOUND    DOOR OPENS AGAIN IMMEDIATELY ANTHONY    [rushing back in, hushed] How much? LYDIA    What? SOUND    DOOR SHUTS ANTHONY    [normal volume] How much did you get for Gamma Mu? LYDIA    [rueful laugh]  Turns out the old Mu line are classics.  Collectible.  They gave me 200 credits.  Would have been more, but I refused to sell it outright.  [little sigh] Yet. ANTHONY    You have hope of getting some money before the time is up? LYDIA    Hope is what we live on.  ...and memories. ANTHONY    Hmm.  [making a decision] Right. SOUND    DOOR SHUSHES OPEN AGAIN GOVERNOR    Where's Lydia? ANTHONY    She - uh- wanted to freshen up. GOVERNOR    [chuckles indulgently] "Put herself back together" as she says.  As often as she needs to do that, you'd think the girl was as badly in need of replacement parts as our poor servo robot. ANTHONY    [laughs] GOVERNOR    More likely she just wants to leave you on your own to put up with my storytelling. ANTHONY    Sir, I - GOVERNOR    No, no.  Until we made your acquaintance, young man, there was no one to tell my stories to but my poor dear Lydia, and saint that she is, she put up with it.  ANTHONY    [oh, come on]  Sir! GOVERNOR    That girl should have married, and left the nest, 20 years ago. [sadly, drifting into memory]  But after all that happened-- ANTHONY    Why don't you make us your famous Venusian aperitifs, sir? GOVERNOR    [brought back with a tiny gasp] Ah?  [befuddled] Oh, yes.  I was about to do that, wasn't I? ANTHONY    No one makes them like you do, sir. GOVERNOR    Of course not! I invented the drink.  Everyone nowadays makes these with an extract of Venusian basil - or god forbid synthetic - But I must have the real thing or nothing.  [musing again] Lydia somehow always manages to have a pinch or two ready for me, no matter the cost. ANTHONY    She is very concerned about your comfort.  Shows a great deal of character. SOUND    DOOR SHUSHES OPEN GOVERNOR    What is it you actors say?  "As if on cue?" [chuckles indulgently] ANTHONY    [chuckles] GOVERNOR    My dear, will you join us? LYDIA    I already have a drink of my own, but I might stay and keep you gentlemen company -- for a little while. ANTHONY    Certainly! GOVERNOR    Capital.  I shall make us just the two, then. ANTHONY    As many times as you've treated me to these, I should definitely reciprocate. GOVERNOR    Nonsense. ANTHONY    Or at least bring you some of the basil? GOVERNOR    No, no.  Hospitality is what you give freely, with no thought of reciprocation.  Otherwise it becomes merely [disgusted] commerce. ANTHONY    I see. LYDIA    [changing the subject]  You said you had a new show going up soon, Anthony? ANTHONY    Oh, yes.  LYDIA    [teasing a little] And what are you playing this week? ANTHONY    Guess.  [cuts them off with a sharp intake of breath] But I will warn you it has more than four limbs. LYDIA    [laughs] You and your alien roles.  Is it just the one extra, like the Venusians, or the full complement of a Martian? ANTHONY    Actually, this time I'm from Pluto. GOVERNOR    Plutonians?  But they never come this close to the sun! ANTHONY    Artistic license.  The story is a murder mystery set at a diplomatic event near the asteroid belt. GOVERNOR    [amused] What will they come up with next? LYDIA    I can understand why you have to double for a plutonian, but why not get real Martians to play Martians and real Venusians to play Venusians?  ANTHONY    Martians don't like being too close to humans, say we smell too unpleasant.  For moving pictures, you can still shoot scenes in pieces and clip them together, but in stage work it doesn't go at all. LYDIA    And all the extra body mass? ANTHONY    Elementary rotoscoping replacement on film, Padding and exoskeleton on stage.  Simple servo mechanical movements.  And of course the voice changer.  GOVERNOR    [half asleep] Wonder of wonders. ANTHONY    And most people have only seen them - either Venusians or martians - on screen. LYDIA    But isn't that expensive? ANTHONY    Well, if all else fails, if there's just the one extra arm, you stick it in a sling and pretend it is broken. LYDIA    [laughs for real] GOVERNOR    [splutters a bit, waking, then]  That is just what I like to hear, my dear. ANTHONY    The problem with using real Venusians in any kind of show - well, their artistic culture is one of unfettered improvisation and sudden impulse - they haven't really adjusted to the concept of scripted material.  [realizing he's getting into potentially bad territory] They've ... only dealt with a written language... for a very short time. GOVERNOR    [sigh, then regretful]  That was one of the reasons for such a debate about accepting them as a truly sentient and evolved species.  ANTHONY    [eager] Yes? GOVERNOR    Having some form of recordation of history and science - we don't include fiction as being necessary for sentience, you understand?   ANTHONY    [joking] A lot of people don't. GOVERNOR    [slight indulgent chuckle]  You see, as they had no recording system that we could fathom, it was hard to be entirely certain that they weren't simply bright, imitative animals. ANTHONY    Which was why you were put in charge of the planet. GOVERNOR    I ran a tight ship, and made that planet [sigh, reminiscing fondly] one of the most profitable in the entire solar system. MUSIC SCENE 2.    AMB    GOVERNOR'S HOME GOVERNOR    [querulous] Where's young Anthony got to?  Haven't seen him in weeks. LYDIA    [amused] He's been filming again, papa.  And he's not precisely "young".  He's my age. GOVERNOR    Yes, I have been meaning to talk to you about that.  You could do worse than that young fellow. LYDIA    Papa! GOVERNOR    Actor or not, he's a fine young man.  Knows how to treat his elders properly.  Shows respect.  [i] Like him. LYDIA    Father, I am hardly young either, I-- GOVERNOR    Should have married and left the nest a donkey's years back.  Precisely.  LYDIA    I can't leave you alone, papa.  [trying to be funny, but starting to sound teary] At least not until they fix the robot. GOVERNOR    [gently] You mean at least not until I have gone on to a better place, don't you? LYDIA    [almost crying] Papa! GOVERNOR    I am old, my child, and I realize that there will come an end.  Not today, or tomorrow, but I don't want to see you spending your time in regrets because you clung to this sinking spar when you could have been taken off in a lifeboat. [Silence] LYDIA    [trying to change the subject]  I'm sure... Anthony will come back and visit again soon.     GOVERNOR    [befuddled now] What was it you said he was doing? LYDIA    [relieved] Filming, papa. He said he'd be gone for a month while they made a movie. GOVERNOR    Will we be able to see it? LYDIA    If it broadcasts on one of the stations we can receive. GOVERNOR    [grumbling] Used to be more channels.  I swear I recall- LYDIA    Yes papa!  There were, but most of them have become so ... violent and unpleasant.  I canceled them. GOVERNOR    You are such a sensitive young lady. LYDIA    [deep sigh, melancholy] Yes. MUSIC SCENE 3.    AMB    GOVERNOR'S HOME SOUND    CLEANING, WASH BUCKET SOUND    SPACE AGE DOORBELL LYDIA    Huh?  SOUND    FEET, INTERCOM LYDIA    Who is it? ANTHONY     [on intercom]  Me!  I mean Mr. Hargraves.  I just got back and have a copy of my new film.  I thought I might bring it over and show it to you - you both. LYDIA    You can't come in now!  Neither of us is ... prepared to see company.  You know how papa insists on being in full governor regalia to entertain! ANTHONY    Gosh, I'm sorry!  I only wanted to surprise you. LYDIA    Surprise us again in an hour, if you please. ANTHONY    [laughing] Anything to oblige a lady! SOUND    INTERCOM OFF. LYDIA    Oh, goodness.  How will I ever get the cleaning finished?  SOUND    HURRIES AWAY LYDIA    [off slightly] Papa?  You might wish to prepare yourself for company! MUSIC SCENE 4.    AMB    GOVERNOR'S HOME SOUND    TV TURNS ON, TUBE WARMS UP GOVERNOR    [querulous] What was this movie about? ANTHONY    [eager] You'll just have to see.  I think you'll like it. SOUND    MUSIC CHANGES GOVERNOR    Oh, my.  The old place. ANTHONY    They found some cracking stock footage. GOVERNOR    Can you make it a bit bigger?  My eyes aren't what they once were. ANTHONY    [really proud] Absolutely sir.  I want you to be able to see this! ANNOUNCER    Many people think they know about the early days of the Venus colony, but all they really know is the rumors. GOVERNOR    [a bit annoyed] What? LYDIA    Oh, no. ANTHONY    Shh-shh!  This is the good part! ANTHONY    [on screen, sounding exactly like the Governor]  Hospitality is what you give freely, with no thought of reciprocation.  Otherwise it becomes merely [disgusted] commerce. GOVERNOR    [low growl] What have you done? ANTHONY    [completely surprised] Sir?   ANTHONY    [on screen]  I invented this drink, you know. GOVERNOR    Get out! ANTHONY    You don't understand!  All I wanted to do was show the reality under all the terrible stories that people bandied about - show the humanity! GOVERNOR    Get OUT! LYDIA    You had better go. ANTHONY    At least let me reward you for the help you gave me - even though you didn't know you were doing it. GOVERNOR    Are you insinuating you will pay me for this impersonation?  For stealing my -my - entire ---[splutters]  LYDIA    Shh!  Shh!  Father.  [a little frantic] Mr. Hargraves, you are no longer welcome in this house.  Leave! SOUND    DOOR SHUSHES OPEN SOUND    HE TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS GOVERNOR    [off slightly] For this LAMPOON! ANTHONY    [wince noise] [quiet] Lydia? LYDIA    Don't! ANTHONY    I thought this would be a way to help you.  Both of you. LYDIA    [quietly furious] Help?  By driving papa into a veritable fit?  Go! MUSIC SCENE 5.    AMB    GOVERNOR'S HOME GOVERNOR    [sounding weaker] Lydia?  LYDIA    [worried] Yes, Papa? GOVERNOR    Lydia?  Hasn't young Anthony visited? LYDIA    No, papa.  [lying] He - he's been away for the last week, filming. GOVERNOR    Again?  Did we see his last film? LYDIA    Yes, papa.  It was very nice. GOVERNOR    Good, good.  He's a nice young man.  You could do worse. LYDIA    I know, papa. SOUND    DOORBELL GOVERNOR    Who's there? LYDIA    I'll go and see. GOVERNOR    Are we expecting someone?  Is that why I'm in my uniform? LYDIA    [whispered aside] I just thought it might make you feel better.  [up]  We weren't expecting anyone so early. SOUND    INTERCOM ON LYDIA    Hello? MAC BAC    [alien voice] Greetings.  Is this the living place of Previous Governor Pendleton? LYDIA    [panicky] Oh! what now?  SOUND    PUSHES BUTTON LYDIA    [Striving to keep calm] This - um - yes - this is the place you are looking for. MAC BAC    Is the Previous Governor available?  I would like to speak with him. LYDIA    He's not feeling well today-- GOVERNOR    [more perky sounding] Lydia?  Is that a Venusian voice.  How interesting!  Let’s see what the green fellow has to say for himself, eh? LYDIA    [sigh]  Yes papa.  SOUND    INTERCOM ON LYDIA    Please come in. SOUND    DOOR SHUSHES OPEN SOUND    WEIRD NOISE OF STRANGE MOVEMENT AS IT ENTERS. GOVERNOR    [grunt as he gets up] LYDIA    Papa!  You don't have to--! GOVERNOR    Nonsense.  It is only common courtesy to meet a guest on your feet.  [up]  Greetings.  May I ask what occasions this visit?  You are very far from your home world. MAC BAC    Many years have passed, previous governor.  And yet you have not changed so much.  Do you not recall Mac Bac?  This one was an aide in the mansion. LYDIA    [surprised] Oh! GOVERNOR    My stars!  Yes!  Oh, Mac Bac.  [delighted]  I never thought to see anyone from those days again.  Why don't you-- [falters] LYDIA    [hurriedly picks up]  Would you like a bench to accommodate your form? MAC BAC    This one would be most grateful. GOVERNOR    Would you be a dear and bring us some refreshment, Lydia? LYDIA    Certainly. SOUND    BUSTLES OUT GOVERNOR    Now that we are alone, what is it that brought you here? MAC BAC    This one has come to repay a debt, previous governor. GOVERNOR    A debt?  I cannot think of anything-- MAC BAC    When your office made your departure, you gifted Mac Bac with a number of items. GOVERNOR    Oh, yes....  I seem to remember... MAC BAC    Among those was a vehicle, given as you could not transport it off planet. GOVERNOR    Yes!  Now I recall.  I apologize for my forgetfulness, but it has been a very long time. MAC BAC    This visit is to repay that gift. GOVERNOR    Repay? MAC BAC    The previous governor said at the time that if a gift was unacceptable, the vehicle could be considered a loan to be repaid at a later date.  Many years have passed, for the previous governor's location is not easily uncovered.  GOVERNOR    [truly touched]  And you came all this way to pay me for my old hovercar? MAC BAC    The vehicle became the center of a profitable business, transporting visiting dignitaries.  After some years, more vehicles, more transporting.  Mac Bac has become very comfortable, as you say, and it came upon this one a desire to travel.  Travel without purpose is enjoyable, but achieving a goal is more so. GOVERNOR    [slightly condescending] You have come a long way to pay back such a slight debt.  The car couldn't have been worth more than a hundred credits. MAC BAC    Considered as a loan, or even an investment in the business of Mac Bac, this hundred  credits has grown like a precocious fern monkey over the past many years. LYDIA    How much? GOVERNOR    Do not be crude, dear.  Never mind the amount, it is the thought that is important.  Whatever you feel is necessary to pay, Mac Bac, will be more than enough. MAC BAC    This one has had the tabulations done, and this is the amount which is correct. SOUND    METAL SET DOWN LYDIA    [gasp] GOVERNOR    B-but Mac Bac-- MAC BAC    One Thousand credits. GOVERNOR    But surely you-- MAC BAC    Mac Bac does not take charity.  This one must even all debts before end of life comes, or debts will follow to next world. GOVERNOR    Oh.  Yes.  We are all getting a bit old, are we not? LYDIA    Father! GOVERNOR    Lydia, why don't you go and do something for yourself and leave us old fellows to talk.  I'm quite certain that we shall bore you to tears with our stuffy old stories.  Eh, Mac Bac? MAC BAC    Indeed.  Old times become very close when one approaches the fading of the light. MUSIC SCENE 6.    AMB    HUSHED CROWD SOUND    QUICK WOMAN'S FOOTSTEPS, SHUSH OF DOOR LYDIA    [crying] SOUND    DOOR SHUSHES SHUT LYDIA    Oh, father what will I-- [cuts off with a gasp] ANTHONY    Lydia!  I'm so sorry I'm late.  I didn't hear until Wednesday, and I couldn't get transport. LYDIA    You're here?  Even after father drove you out? ANTHONY    I can't begrudge him his pride. I just hope that he might have forgiven me, at the end. LYDIA    I think-- I'm sure he forgot the entire incident. ANTHONY    [sad realization]  Forgot.  Yes. LYDIA    He would have forgiven you, though!  Father was never a vindictive man. ANTHONY    You, at least, know I never meant the play as any kind of insult.  LYDIA    I - I guess.  I never got to see more than that opening.  He was so furious. ANTHONY    But you - you will forgive me, won't you?  I would be mortified if we couldn't get past this. LYDIA    I... [small self-deprecating laugh]  I can't stay mad at you.  And I certainly don't have so many friends that I can throw one away over such a ... trifle. ANTHONY    Good. LYDIA    And...  and from the little I did see-- [trails off] ANTHONY    Yes? LYDIA    [uncomfortable, blushing]  Oh, just that you did a very good -  you did the acting very well.  ANTHONY    [warm]  I'm glad you didn't hate it.  LYDIA    Of course I didn't!  Don't tease so! ANTHONY    I promise.  [beat, changing subject]  Well.  At least he had some good days, there at the end.  [prompting]  And you look like things are going a little better.  Was that Gamma mu I saw, standing by the casket? LYDIA    [pleased but sad] Yes.  We were very lucky.  Father came into some unexpected money. ANTHONY    [way too pleased] I know. LYDIA    What?  How did you hear? ANTHONY    [eager] You really didn't know?  LYDIA    [horrified realization] You - you paid that Venusian! ANTHONY    [barely contained excitement]  Oh, you really underestimate me, Lydia.  Didn't you believe me when I said I do very well in alien roles? CLOSING

What could be the "rebellion" of the future?

The Demon Beelzebud returns to pester sisters Rena and Matilda. [sequel to Force Majeure]  Cast List Beelzebud - Anthony D.P. Mann (Horror Etc. Podcast) Rena - Julie Hoverson Matilda - Kate Waterous Jesse - Big Anklevitch (Dunesteef Audio Magazine) Infernique - Julia Carter Willial - Mark Olson Benedict - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Closky - Florida Possum Fat guy - Dave Fontenot Manager - Scott Spaulding Cameo appearance from Super Haunted Stories! Music by  Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Julie Hoverson Cover art includes:  clear crystal / red crystal "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a modern family home, can't you tell?" ********************************************** Caveat Emptor Cast: Beelzebud Rena Matilda Jesse Infernique Willial Benedict Mrs. Closky Fat guy Manager OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a family home, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND     ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF, IS SLAPPED DOWN JESSE    [waking up]  maaaargh.  SOUND    PATTING BED JESSE    Huh?  [thick]  Babe? [clears throat] Babe?  [considering noise] Hmmm. SOUND    BLANKET FLAPS JESSE    What the hell time...?  What?  [yelling petulantly] Cassie?  Who reset the alarm? SOUND    STUMBLES INTO OTHER ROOM JESSE    Cassie?  Where's the laptop?  Shit!  We've been robbed!  SOUND    RUSHING AROUND SOUND    DOORBELL JESSE    Where's the phone?  Gotta call police. SOUND    DOORBELL JESSE    Who the hell? SOUND    DOOR OPENS ON CHAIN JESSE    This is not a good time. BUD    It's the only time you got, pal.  JESSE    I just got robbed. BUD    No, you just got dumped.  Read the note on the fridge. JESSE    What? SOUND    DOOR SLAMS, OUTSIDE WITH BUD BUD    [WHISTLES SOMETHING] SOUND    DOOR JERKS OPEN AGAIN JESSE    [freaking out] Are you a friend of Cassie's?  Do you know where she went? BUD    Not my area.  I just dropped by to give you a bit of a head's up. JESSE    Uh-what? BUD    I know you're feeling pretty low.  Wife walked out, took the kid, and you don't know why-- JESSE    We have a good life! BUD    Yeah, it's got nothing to do with you moping around the house all day-- JESSE    I got laid off. BUD    Leaving all the housework for the little woman, so that when she gets home from her full day-- JESSE    I have to spend my time looking for work-- BUD    A lot of work in World of Warcraft, is there?  Or are you considering a career in porn? JESSE    None of your business! Besides...they're the only things that make me less depressed-- BUD    Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all.  So today is your lucky day - kinda. JESSE    Kinda? BUD    [dragged out, savoring] Ye-a-aah.  MUSIC MATILDA    It's $200.  That's like three tanks of gas. RENA    [disgusted sigh]  I hate this work. MATILDA    One hour plus drive time.  Just think of it as gathering intel. RENA    I'll think of it as whine tasting. SOUND    PICKS UP KEYS, DOOR OPENS MATILDA    Have fun! MUSIC SOUND    DOORBELL, DOOR OPENS ON CHAIN RENA    You called? JESSE    Oh, yeah, this guy - he gave me your card. RENA    And? JESSE    And? RENA    I didn't come all this way to stand on your porch, unpaid. MATILDA    [mic] Confirmed. JESSE    Oh, ah.  Come in. SOUND    UNCHAINS, OPENS DOOR JESSE    Yeah, um, it's kind of a mess.  You want a beer or something? RENA    57 minutes. JESSE    What? RENA    Of your hour.  We confirmed your paypal transaction. JESSE      Oh, right.  My wife – she left me. RENA    When? JESSE    Oh, just this morning. RENA    [disbelieving] Hmph. JESSE    She's not much of a housekeeper. RENA    I can smell that. JESSE    That doesn't mean I don't want her back! SOUND    POUNDING ON THE DOOR JESSE    [angry sigh] Just a sec. RENA    Take your time. MATILDA    [mic] Cut the poor guy some slack. SOUND    OPENS DOOR MRS. CLOSKY    How dare you! JESSE    How dare I, what? MRS. CLOSKY    Bring a hooker into your house while your wife's away? MATILDA    [mic] [laughing hysterically] RENA    [low] Not funny. MATILDA    [mic] I told you the black leather was wrong for the neighborhood! RENA    Tough is tough. JESSE    She's not-- MRS. CLOSKY    I know just what kind of woman has the bleached blonde hair and the motorcycle. JESSE    But Cassie-- MRS. CLOSKY    That poor woman gave you two beautiful children, so any weight she's gained, well that's just as much your fault, isn’t it? MATILDA    [mic] [fresh peals of laughter] RENA    I'm gonna turn you off. JESSE    But Mrs. Closky! MRS. CLOSKY    You're just like my sonofabitch husband, and I just wish I had had someone like me to speak up on my behalf back when he-- SOUND    DOOR SHUTS, cutting her off JESSE    [sigh] Shit. RENA    Sum up quick.  I'm already bored. JESSE    My wife left me this morning.  I want to find out where she went. RENA    Did you call her parents? JESSE    Her mother won't answer. RENA    Did you call her friends? JESSE    They’re all on her side. RENA    Did you check her emails? JESSE    I didn’t think of that. RENA    What have you done? JESSE    I ... called you. RENA    You understand that first $200 is only for this hour, the one we're currently wasting.  JESSE    Not for the entire job? RENA    Not unless I find her in the next 47 minutes. JESSE    [hopeful] Do you think you can? RENA    What's her email address? MUSIC SOUND    OUTSIDE, WALKING, LEATHER CREAKING MATILDA    [mic] She already emailed back.  Says he's been a shit since he got laid off.  Says she told him she was going to do this, weeks ago, and he didn't even pay attention. RENA    Hmph.  Makes me want to run out and find one of my own. MATILDA    [mic] [laughs] WILLY    Uh, hello? RENA    Not in a million years. WILLY    I was just looking for a - ah!  There's the address. SOUND    HE HUSTLES OFF RENA    Must be a friend of his-- MRS. CLOSKY    [off, calling]  You! RENA    Oh hell. MRS. CLOSKY    You, woman! MATILDA    [mic] Uh-oh.  RENA    [sigh] What? MRS. CLOSKY    How much do you charge? MATILDA    [mic] Tell her you don't do lemon parties. RENA    I don't-- [starts over] I am a bounty hunter. MRS. CLOSKY    Oh!  Well, that's a disappointment. RENA    That I'm not a prostitute? MRS. CLOSKY    I have a nephew.  Unmarried.  He could use a little cheering up.  And his birthday's coming! MATILDA    [mic] [teasing] We are a bit short on cash. RENA    I - I have to go.  Now. SOUND    MOTORCYCLE REVS MUSIC AMB    MATILDA'S DEN SOUND    DOOR SHUTS (OFF) SOUND    RENA ENTERS MATILDA    [calling] So, how was the nephew? RENA    [muffled] Funny. SOUND    KNOCK ON DOOR RENA    There wasn't any - oh. MATILDA    What? RENA    Who pops up out of nowhere on a regular basis? SOUND    OPENS DOOR BUD    Hiya doll!  [louder] Dolls! RENA    [to M] You okay with having him in? MATILDA    Yeah, I guess. BUD    Make a guy feel wanted, why dontcha? MATILDA    We forgot to vacuum! RENA    We're antisocial. BUD    And here I thought it was just me. RENA    You forgot to vacuum too? MATILDA    Get over here, where I can see you! SOUND    WALKING RENA    Matilda.  Bud.  SOUND    SHE FLOPS INTO CHAIR MATILDA    You do look like Steve Buscemi. BUD    I'm gonna take that as a compliment.  You don't got no more places to sit? RENA    One butt, one chair.  Part of the recluse mystique.  MATILDA    There's a stool around somewhere... BUD    eh.  I can stand.  Don't plan to be here that long.  See, I gotta problem. MATILDA    Another one? RENA    We get $200 for the first hour. BUD    Here. SOUND    SLAPS DOWN MONEY BUD    You know, I never woulda mistaken you for a prostitute. RENA    Good to know. BUD    Dominatrix, maybe. RENA    [losing it] It's motorcycle gear!  Not some kind of leather teddy and thigh high boots-- MATILDA    [taunting] With stiletto heels? RENA    Not helping!  And those things'll break your ankles.  [breath, recomposed]  Clock starts now.  What's your problem? BUD    You girls are a hoot.  You should take it on the road. MATILDA    No thanks. RENA    Tick...tock. BUD    Fine.  [sigh]  You'd think the life of a demon like me would be a piece of cake. MATILDA    From what you've said, you seem to have it all down to a system. BUD    Yeah, well any well oiled machine can go Pfft - if you stick in the wrong cog. RENA    What have you been sticking in your cogs? BUD    [snicker] It's Infernique.  MATILDA    Sounds like a perfume. BUD    The demon chick you fixed me up with. RENA    Nuh-uh.  No fixing.  Just tricked her into giving in and going out with you.  Once.  Whatever happened after - not my fault. MATILDA    Well, maybe just a little. BUD    She's convinced she gotta class me up. RENA    Class?  You? BUD    You don't need to make it sounds like such a joke, babe. MATILDA    I wondered about the suit.  Seemed awfully-- RENA    Tasteful? MATILDA    Restrained.  I mean, the descriptions - you have such ... flair!  [undertone] help me out here. RENA    No. BUD    Yeah, yeah, so I like the classics.  This sharkskin still got its own kind of flash, but she's killing me with the pastels.  [confidential]  You know they come from the pit of despair? MATILDA    Pastels? BUD    Yeah.  Not a pretty story.  [up a bit] Anyway, I'm not so good at saying "no" to her, and she's been trying to get me to trade up.  Better department.  Better class of victim. MATILDA    What will the comedians do without you? BUD    Yeah, that's what I say, but there's always someone willing to take most any place, but my place is one of those ain't no one gonna fight over, see? RENA    Nope. BUD    This guy, Jesse - I gave him your card this morning - ring a bell? RENA    The douche who didn't realize his wife was about to walk? BUD    Yeah, well - that's what Infernique wants me for my new clientele. MATILDA    The recently abandoned?  The thoughtless husbands? RENA    The douches?  Plenty of them.  You can have 'em. BUD    Yeah, but she's got me sneaking around behind the back of Willy, the guy whose job it is now, undermining his numbers.  Trying to make him look bad.  Getting the douches to not sign. MATILDA    All's fair in love and hell? BUD    I dunno - I ain't liking this. RENA    Talking people out of selling their souls?  How abominable. BUD    Nah, it's the backstabbing.  Willy's - well not "good people" maybe, but he ain't a bad guy.  Kind of a plodder.  No inspiration.  But he's got a sweet berth and he's ...competent.  MATILDA    You'll really miss the comedians, won't you? BUD    [sighing admission] Yeah. RENA    Easy.  Tell her you don't want to change. BUD    Why don’t you just point me at a good doctor, then, for when she rips me a new asshole. RENA    Guess you're screwed. MATILDA    Waitaminute.  Look.  the way I see it, you have two choices here.  You can go ahead and be perfect, toe the line, do what she wants and be with her until she finds someone more ambitious-- RENA    Won't be hard. MATILDA    Shush.  Or you find a way to slack off and subtly let her know that you aren't going to turn into a silk purse any time soon, and let her dump you. RENA    Talk to that guy from this morning.  I'm sure he can give you some pointers. MATILDA    The big question is, is she worth it? BUD    You know... You said a mouthful right there.  I think some deep pondering is in order.  Thanx! RENA    You still have a few minutes left. BUD    Ehh - Keep it!  All us classy types tip! MUSIC RENA    [snoring] SOUND    PHONE RINGS, ANSWERED RENA    [groggy] Hello?  [a bit better] Hello? SOUND    STRANGE BUZZ ON THE LINE RENA    Shit. SOUND    HANGS UP SOUND    GRABBING CLOTHES, GUN SOUND    EASES OPEN DOOR RENA    [deliberately calms her breathing to listen] SOUND    MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY FROM MATILDA'S ROOM RENA    [whispered] Shit. SOUND    QUICK DASH SHUTS MAT's DOOR, MUSIC'S MUFFLED RENA    [calming her breathing again] SOUND    CREAK, ACROSS ROOM RENA    [catch in her breathing, then careful] SOUND    ANOTHER CREAK, ACROSS THE ROOM SOUND    RENA CAREFULLY TAKES THE REMOTE SOUND    CLICK, TV COMES ON, ACROSS ROOM BENEDICT    [gasp] SOUND    QUICK SCUFFLE OF MOVEMENT RENA    [now behind him] You're gonna want to drop that. SOUND    CLICK OF HER GUN CoCKED BENEDICT    You don't know what you're doing. SOUND    CLICK - TV OFF RENA    I'm the one with the gun.  And the remote.  Whatever you got in your hand, drop it. SOUND    SOMETHING CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR. SOUND    MAT'S DOOR FLUNG OPEN MATILDA    Hold it right there! RENA    [up] Got 'im.  [to him] Hands behind your back. BENEDICT    [annoyed] Really? RENA    Really.  MATILDA    Sorry I took so long.  Couldn't find the night vision goggles. BENEDICT    [sigh] Fine. SOUND    HANDCUFFS ON BENEDICT    IS this really necessary? RENA    You're the one who broke in. MATILDA    I’ll get the lights. RENA    Goggles off. MATILDA    I know! SOUND    GOGGLES OFF, LIGHT SWITCH MATILDA    Ooh!  He’s smoking hot!  Can we keep him? BENEDICT    Let me explain. RENA    Not much chance of that.  Mat, 9-1-1, okay? MATILDA    [playing it up]  New where did I leave the phone? BENEDICT    [blurted out] Where are you keeping the demon? RENA    [surprised snort] MATILDA    [giggles]  Wow, dramatic much? RENA    There’s a doghouse out back… MATILDA    [fresh peal of laughter] BENEDICT    This is no joke, lady.  Harboring a demonic fugitive is very serious. RENA    [growling now] “A” – harboring?  Not a chance.  “B” - fugitive?  BENEDICT    Beelzebud, lower echelon romalpa class signatory demon.  He stands accused of contractual misconduct. RENA    Let me guess – that’s bad. BENEDICT    It’s a termination-class penalty. MATILDA    Oh, shit! RENA    Tell us more. BENEDICT    No. MATILDA    Oh, come on.  You hunt demons.  Do you make a good living at that? BENEDICT    [bursts out laughing] RENA    Guess that's a no. BENEDICT    It's a calling, not a job.  RENA    So... you're a demon too. BENEDICT    I'm not telling you anything. RENA    You broke into our house.  Convince us that we shouldn't call the real-life police. BENEDICT    I wasn't going to do anything to you - just put this crystal somewhere-- RENA    This thing? BENEDICT    Yeah.  It's a--[shuts up]   MATILDA    Might as well finish the sentence.  [beat]  How about strip guesses? BENEDICT    What? RENA    If she guesses and she's wrong, you lose a piece of clothing. BENEDICT    Are you insane? RENA    We don't get a lot of hot male visitors. MATILDA    And you woke us up in the middle of the damn night.  Is it a tracking device? BENEDICT    No. MATILDA    Camo coat. BENEDICT    Can’t take it off over the handcuffs. MATILDA    Oh, bummer.  Pants, then. BENEDICT    [panicking a little] It's a simple listening device - like a mystic "bug"  Ok? RENA    Guess he wins.  Sorry Mat. MUSIC AMB    COMEDY CLUB [HEARD FROM BACKSTAGE] FAT GUY    [punchline to a joke] Boom-boom, boom-boom, boom-boom. SOUND    SCATTERED LAUGHTER, NOT MUCH FAT GUY    and... Good night! SOUND    RUNS IN MANAGER    That could have been better. FAT GUY    [grumpy] Open mike, read it and weep. BUD    Psst. FAT GUY    What do you want? BUD    I like what you did up there. FAT GUY    [knowing] I know who you are. BUD    You... do? FAT GUY    Yeah, I was warned there's a guy going around with bogus contracts.  Screw off. BUD    I don't know nothing from bogus. I'm as legit as they come-- FAT GUY    [squealing]  You want me to call the cops?  Jeez! SOUND    STOMPS OFF BUD    [muttering, furious] Bogus contracts, eh?  SOUND    HE GOES OUT INTO ALLEY.  DOOR SHUTS BUD    [furious - cussing in latin] Mater tua caligas gerit! RENA    You kiss someone's mother with that mouth? BUD    [affable again] You know latin, doll? RENA    [shrug] I know cussing. BUD    [chuckles] RENA    Matilda wanted me to warn you.  Someone's on your tail. SOUND    MOTORCYCLE REVS, OFF RENA    And... He probably followed me here. BUD    [not real disturbed] Yikes. RENA    I thought I left you in handcuffs. BENEDICT    Your sister took pity on me. MATILDA    [mic] He's not such a bad guy. BUD    All right occifier.  I'm not as think as you drunk I am. RENA    Don't joke. BENEDICT    You might step out of the way, ma'am. RENA    [to Bud] You need some help? BUD    Why? RENA    I don't know.  I just thought I'd ask. BUD    I'm touched.  Oddly.  [beat] Nope.  It ain't gonna be pleasant, but ain't nothing to be done about that.  See you soon, doll. SOUND    COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS, WEIRD WHOOSHING NOISE MATILDA    [mic] Well... I'll miss him. RENA    Yeah.  [sigh, beat]  Donuts? SOUND    SHE WALKS BACK TO MOTORCYCLE SOUND    PHONE RINGS RENA    Hmm?  SOUND    BEEP RENA    [wondering] Who the hell? SOUND    TURNS ON RENA    What? JESSE    [phone] Are you doing anything at all? MATILDA    [mic] Who’s that? RENA    Found her. Job done. JESSE    [phone] She’s not back! RENA    Yeah.  Sucks.  She’s still pissed off. MATILDA    [mic] Oh, him.  What does he expect, that you’ll ride in with his wife over your shoulder, kicking and screaming? RENA    I’m not draggin her home by her hair. JESSE    [phone] Then what are you doing? RENA    I told her to email you a list of demands.  Have you checked your email? JESSE    [phone] I can’t!  The bitch cut off my internet! RENA    [sotto voce] Boo-hoo. [up] Hold on.  I’m transferring him to you, Matilda.  I am not playing phone relay for— SOUND    HUGE SPOOOKY WHOOOSHY SOUND SOUND    BODY FLUNG INTO WALL RENA    Ungh! SOUND    PHONE SKITTERS AWAY SOUND    THINGS GO WEIRD AND HOLLOW MATILDA    [mic] [fading into odd tunnel]  Rena?  Rena!!!!   Rena!!!! MUSIC AMB    MATILDA’S LAIR MATILDA    [panicking] Rena?  [deep shaky breath]  Don’t freak out.  Don’t freak out.  Maybe it’s the cell tower.  Maybe it’s--  Maybe its demons.  Oh shit. INFERNIQUE    Shit is right! MATILDA    [almost a scream] Who the fuck are you? INFERNIQUE    Where is my BUD?  [spooky] What have you done with him? MATILDA    [trying hard to stay calm, but kind of losing]  Bud?  I don’t know!  We-we didn’t do anything!  [almost a scream] Where’s my sister? INFERNIQUE    That’s what I want to know!  When I tried to triangulate on her, I got NOTHING.  MATILDA    Triangulate? INFERNIQUE    Anyone who deals with us has a sort of trace on them ...evermore.  Until they pass beyond.  Is she dead? MATILDA    [whine]   Nooo? INFERNIQUE    If she isn’t then she’s passed out of this realm.  She never said she could DO that! MATILDA    I’m just going to faint now.  I hope you don’t mind... RENA    [on speaker, weak]  Mat? MATILDA    [gasp]  INFERNIQUE    What? MATILDA    [thinking hard] I-I can’t find a good place to fall down.  INFERNIQUE    She’s on your headset? MATILDA    She was, just for a moment. INFERNIQUE    [satisfied]  hah.  There.  Yes.  She must be in the outer fringe.  Guess we won’t be seeing her again. MATILDA    [sobbing gasp] MUSIC AMB    ECHOEY DUNGEON BUD    Babe? RENA    [waking] What?  Oh, crap.  Am I dead?  Cuz having to listen to you forever is kind of like my vision of hell. BUD    Yeah, she’s okay. RENA    [weak] Matilda? BUD    Back home where she belongs. RENA    [sigh of relief]  Not hell, then. SOUND    CHAINS RENA    What’s with the— SOUND    CHAINS RENA    Shit. BUD    Yeah, that.  I guess I-uh kinda underestimated Willy-boy. RENA    Is that that demon hunter? BUD    [snort of laughter]  Oh, him.  Nah.  That was all part of Willy’s plan to get me off his case. RENA    oh.  The demon you were undermining. BUD    Bingo!  I love a bright dame. RENA    And now he’s got us both chained up in a dungeon?  Great. WILLY    [demonic sounding]  Just what I was thinking!  Muhahahahahahaha [evil laugh] RENA    [undertone, to herself] Be vewwy vewwy quiet.  [up] Wow.  This is a swell party.  WILLY    You're only here because I'm curious what would make a mortal... collaborate with such a filthy maggot as Beelzebud. RENA    You make it sound a lot more fun than it is. BUD    Hey, hey!  Willy, old boy-- WILLY    [demon] You will call me Willial [will-LIE-ul]!  [back normal]  Don't think I don't know what you've been up to, behind my back, Beelzebud! BUD    ahhh.  A few short circuits.  It's all in fun.  Plus you got me back, but good - setting a popper on me. RENA    [half a snort] Popper? BUD     The hunter - [offhand] you know, you led him to me. RENA    Yeah.  Sorry bout that. WILLY    I'm surprised to see you still up and around, Bud. BUD    Believe it or not, I'm clean.  RENA    It's not like he just up and decided he wanted your crappy job, Willy. BUD    [quiet] I really prefer my own crappy job. WILLY    You should have kept your hands off my beeswax, then! RENA    Oy vay.  [quiet, to Bud]  Can this guy actually do anything?  To me, I mean? BUD    [evasive] Not legitimately.  RENA    [up] Then maybe you'll back the fuck out of my face, elmer fudd, and let me go. BUD    On the other hand he's already more or less kidmapped you, so who knows what else he's willing to do. RENA    Shit. BUD    Yeah, like anything a stupid mortal chick says is going to piss Willial off more than I already have.  Hah! WILLY    [suspicious] You're up to something. RENA    Nah, just mouthing off.  [whisper]  Keep him talking. BUD    So, Willy - Ooh!  [snide] You kidnapped a human, what's the next step?  Custodial interference?  Stealing candy from a baby? WILLY    I-I'm not sure.  I mean, I haven't decided yet what all to do with you.  For now, I'll let you stew. SOUND    DOOR SLAMS RENA    [sigh]  Nice try. BUD    [not quite lying] Try? RENA    Yeah, whatever. BUD    [beat]  If we had cards, I play a mean Canasta. RENA    Takes two decks. SOUND    TAPPING FINGERS, WAITING SOUND    DISTANT COMMOTION BUD    Finally.  Beez.  Thought they'd never get here. RENA    [surprised] You were expecting someone? BUD    Waitaminute, you were?  Oh, boy - this could be a serious case of overkill.... SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN RENA    You ain't just whistling dixie. BENEDICT    [breathing hard from exertion]  Ok, this is not what I was expecting. RENA    You got something for chains? BUD    Uh, we might wanna wait-- RENA    [suspicious] Why? INFERNIQUE    [distant demony scream]  Beelzebud! BUD    Yeah.  That. RENA    Demon hunter - you, guy. BENDICT    Benedict.  RENA    Right, like Shakespeare.  I'm bad with names.  BENDICT    Let me get those chains-- RENA    Quick!  What's the penalty for illegal imprisonment of a human? INFERNIQUE    [a little closer]  Where is he? BUD    It ain't much. He didn't hurt you or nothing. RENA    Well? BENEDICT    Something like a hundred years of hemorrhoids.  I don't actually sentence-- RENA    Wanna stick him with something worse? BUD    [speculative] I like where this is going. BENEDICT    I ...don't. MUSIC INFERNIQUE    [roaring up]  What did you do with him? WILLY    You are in my domain, succubus! INFERNIQUE    Insults?  How dare you! BUD    [off, pathetic]  Ohhhhhh.... INFERNIQUE    Out of my way! WILLY    [surprised] What the hell? BUD    [off, weak]  Is that you, baby snakes? SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN WILLY    [bewildred] But I didn't-- INFERNIQUE    [incensed] Chained? BUD    Oh, babe.  I'm so glad to see you.  Willy there whupped my fanny, but good. WILLY    I-I-- RENA    I think the popper is concussed. INFERNIQUE    [amazed] Popper? WILLY    [an octave higher] Popper? BUD    You're gonna get us out of these, aren't you sweetie? RENA    Wake up, dude! SOUND    GENTLE SLAPPING TO TRY AND ROUSE HIM INFERNIQUE    [speculative] You... chained a popper? WILLY    I-I-  He-- they-- INFERNIQUE    Just nod your head, handsome. RENA    [quiet] I'm hunting wabbits. BENEDICT    [smothered snort of laughter] BUD    Come on babe, leave Willy alone.  Get me out of here. INFERNIQUE    That's Willial, you little weasel.  [laughs contemptuously]  I think it's about time to trade up. WILLY    I- uh- I- uh-- INFERNIQUE    [very hot]  There's nothing sexier than a tongue-tied demon. RENA    [trying to sound upset but not getting it] After all Bud has done for you! BUD    [grovelling]  You can't just leave us here!  INFERNIQUE    Willy will let you go when he's good and ready, won't you? WILLY    [frantic] Uh, Beelzebud? BUD    Fine!  Keep your job!  Take my woman!  You have everything!  [big mock sob] SOUND    DOOR SLAMS SHUT MUSIC SOUND    MATILDA'S DEN SOUND    WHOOSH OF ARRIVAL BENEDICT    I honestly don't know which of you was worse, back there. RENA    Emoting is not in my skill set. BUD    Tell me about it.  MATILDA    You're back! RENA    Yeah, it's all okay. MATILDA    I thought-- RENA    [strangely gentle] You know I always promised if I die I'd come right back and haunt you. MATILDA    [sob of relief] BENEDICT    Can we--? RENA    Fuck off, will you guys? BUD    I got this.  SOUND    WHOOSH MATILDA    I was [hiccupy sob] I was so-- RENA    I'm here.  You're not alone.  Maybe I should get that Benedict guy back - he owes us a pair of pants. MATILDA    [laughs and cries] SOUND    PHONE RINGS RENA    Voice mail? MATILDA    [much calmer] Voice mail.  Yeah. JESSE    [on voice mail]  What did you do to my wife?  All of a sudden she's laying down the law and saying she won't put up with me unless I toe the line!  Man!  She's even talking about us writing up some kind of contract!  Are you even listening? SOUND    BEEP END  

A man from the future who brought many advances with him, relocating the knowledge of his world in the face of an invasion.

What can it mean when a man knows the exact date and time he's going to die?  And what does THAT mean to the people he hires to save him? Cast List Rena - Julie Hoverson Matilda - Kate Waterous Fred Quarry - Carl Cubbedge "Bud" - Anthony D.P. Mann (Horror Etc. Podcast) Infernique - Julia Belyea Ma - Angela Kirby Music by:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a bar parking lot, can't you tell?" ************************************************ FORCE MAJEURE Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Rena Matilda Fred Quarry, fat male comedian Beelzebud Infernique Ma OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a parking lot of a low life honky tonk, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND     DISTANT TRAFFIC, MUFFLED VERY LOUD MUSIC SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN, MUSIC GETS LOUDER, SOUND OF A FIGHT SOUND    DOOR SLAMS, FOOTSTEPS SET OUT ACROSS PARKING LOT SOUND    DOOR QUICKLY OPENS AND SHUTS, SECOND PAIR OF FEET SCUTTLE AFTER FIRST QUARRY    [coming on]  Come on!  I'm sorry about that!  I really needed to know if you're as good as you're hyped up to be. RENA    [Snort]  QUARRY     I - I need some help here!  there's no place else I can turn.  RENA    [low uninflected growl] Bite me. SOUND    DOOT_DOOT OF CAR DOOR REMOTE SOUND    QUARRY'S FEET STOP QUARRY    I - I'm about to be murdered. SOUND    RENA'S FOOTSTEPS HESITATE JUST A SECOND, THEN CONTINUE. SOUND    CAR DOOR YANKED OPEN SOUND    QUARRY'S FEET NERVOUSLY DASH FORWARD QUARRY    No one will take me seriously - my agent, my wife.  Certainly not the police. RENA    [quiet] Big surprise. SOUND     THE CAR SQUEAKS AS SHE CLIMBS IN. QUARRY    [beginning to squeal] I'm desperate here!  Can't you just listen?  SOUND    DOOR SLAMS QUARRY    [squeaks as the door almost catches him] SOUND    RUSTLE OF PAPER QUARRY    I've got money!  If this isn't enough, I'll write you a bigger one!  Whatever you want! SOUND    CHECK SLAPPED FLAT AGAINST THE WINDOW SOUND    INSIDE THE CAR, NO NIGHT NOISES.  QUARRY'S VOICE IS VERY MUTED QUARRY    Anything! RENA    [sighs] SOUND    BUTTON PUSHED, WINDOW COMES DOWN, PAPER SNATCHED RENA    Get in. SOUND    THE DOOR LOCKS CLICK. MUSIC    JAZZ, UP AND THEN UNDER AS IT PLAYS ON THE CAR STEREO. SOUND    STARTS DRIVING AS THEY TALK RENA    What if this guy that's got you wee-ing yourself gets you while I'm out looking for him? QUARRY    He's...he's not gonna kill me 'til Saturday. RENA    He sent an itinerary? QUARRY    [very evasive]  It was all in the note. RENA    [skeptical]  But you believe him? QUARRY    Where are we going? RENA    We're just going.  [beat]  Why's he after you? QUARRY    Why?  I mean why does anyone do something wacko?  He probably just wants to be famous. RENA    And killing you would make him famous. QUARRY    [duh] Well, yeah. RENA    Why? QUARRY    Don't you - you don't... know who I am?  I'm Fred Quarry!  I told you that back in the bar. RENA    I was a little busy fighting off your thug.  QUARRY    The Fred Quarry - you know, with the sitcom, and the late night talk show? RENA    I don't watch much. QUARRY    I was on the cover of T.V. Guide twice last year - don'tcha shop at supermarkets? RENA    [still flat] Oh, THAT Fred Quarry. QUARRY    That's what I've been saying.  I'm famous.  Even you must have heard someone say- [catchphrase>] "No!  Reeeeally?" RENA    No.  Really. MUSIC SOUND    COMPUTER NOISES [MAT] CLEANING A GUN [RENA] MATILDA    You buy it? RENA    He's hiding something.  MATILDA    Most people are. RENA    Not me. MATILDA    But you're a robot. [beat]  Oh, come on. RENA    It wasn't funny when when we were kids, and it's not funny now. MATILDA    [sigh] Fine.  What now? RENA    You find anything on Quarry? MATILDA    He's actually pretty clean, for a hollywood bigshot.  Meteoric rise to fame, starring roles, gonna be roasted on comedy central. RENA    If this guy doesn't roast him first. SOUND    SLAPS THE SLIDE BACK INTO THE GUN MUSIC AMB    CAFE QUARRY    Nothing? RENA    Nothing. Your guy's in the wind. Invisible. QUARRY    [dreadful revelation] Of course... RENA    What? QUARRY    He... well... [gasp, then panicking] Oh crap!  Oh CRAP! SOUND    TRYING TO SQUEEZE OUT OF THE BOOTH AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE SOUND    DOOR OPENS, BELL JINGLES RENA    What's up? QUARRY    He said not until Saturday!!! RENA    [calm and dangerous] He won't do anything here. QUARRY    You don't know that!  Shit shit SHIT shit shit. RENA    I won't let anything happen - we have an agreement-- QUARRY    [squeals] SOUND    HE FALLS OUT ONTO THE FLOOR SOUND    FEET WALK UP AND STOP RENA    Are you supposed to be someone famous too?  Or just a goomba hit man? BUD    [affable] What could my pal here be telling you?  He's a little sensitive, ya know?  A little... over-imaginative.  All good entertainers are.  [dangerous] Arentcha? QUARRY    [mumbled] Go away. BUD    [tsks]  You're just undignified on the floor like that. SOUND    CHAIR PULLS UP, BUD SITS BUD    Want a hand? QUARRY    [squeal] SOUND    TRYING TO SCUTTLE AWAY RENA    What are your plans? BUD    Plans?  Just breakfast here with friends. SOUND    MENU FLAPS BUD    [pretending to read] What's good here? RENA    For Fred. BUD    Him?  They gotta low-cal menu?  RENA    I mean-- BUD    [exasperated sigh] Look sweetheart, drop this.  Whatever Fred here's told you, it ain't like that at all.  [serious] This ain't a game you can win. QUARRY    [whining]  You said Saturday.  You shouldn't be here. RENA    What is it, then? BUD    [chuckles]  Ask your boy about his contract. QUARRY    [high whine] MUSIC MATILDA    And then he just left? RENA    Yup.  But he dropped this. SOUND    SLAP OF PLASTIC CARD ON TABLE MATILDA    Oh, please - how transparent.  Either he's an idiot or he's setting up a meet. RENA    Too early to tell. MATILDA    [musing] But he didn't deny anything.  Hmm.  Did I get everything on the description? SOUND    COMPUTER KEYS MATILDA    [reading]  5'6, narrow face, dark hair - slightly receding, crooked teeth, wiry, but looks tough? RENA    Yup. MATILDA    Looks something like this? RENA    [leans in]  Yeah.  Not the guy, but that same kind of look. MATILDA    Great.  So we're hunting Steve Buscemi in a pale green leisure suit. MUSIC SOUND    HOTEL KEY CARD, DOOR OPENS SURREPTITIOUSLY SOUND    QUIET FOOTSTEPS SOUND    LIGHT SWITCH BUD    Hiya. RENA    [disgusted noise, then resigned]  My sister says-- BUD    [chuckles] Yeah?  Well, I ain't an idiot.  C'mon in. RENA    [disturbed, suspicious] Yeah. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS BUD    You wanna drink?  The mini-bar ain't world class, but... it's on me. RENA    I wouldn't drink anything "on you." BUD    [ouch noise] Brass tacks, then.  You want to know why you should drop whiny boy's case?  Try this. SOUND    FLIPS OUT BUSINESS CARD RENA    "Beelzebud - Recruitment - F-M-C"? SOUND    FLASH FLAME RENA    [gasps, blows on fingers] Beelze-what?  BUD    Just call me Bud.  I hate being mistaken for that other guy.  It's not like I'm Joe Estevez.  [beat]  Frank Stallone? RENA    [she's not getting the joke] Nice card.  Flashpaper? BUD    [disgusted sigh]  All right-- [voice begins to change]  How plain do I have to make this?  Tell your sister [raises his voice] or is she listening right now? RENA    [gasp] MATILDA    [filter, quiet] What the--? BUD    [still raised] Get on the internet and look up demons.  [voice very demonic]  There's a particularly good Web site at www dot legion dot H-E-L, but I'm not sure you can access it.  [coming back to normal] It ain't exactly ... user friendly.  And god knows it ain't Vista compatible. RENA    [flat, unbelieving] You're a demon? BUD    [sigh] Whaddaya want, horns?  That's such a drag - always having to fix my hair again once I get done showing off.  RENA    Yeah, that's a lot of grease to reapply. BUD    [long intake of breath, then sucks his teeth]  I like you.  You don't scare.  [beat] You guess my interest in Freddy boy yet?  How bout you phone a friend - eh, sis? MATILDA    [filter, getting it] A contract. RENA    A contract...? BUD    Bingo.  I held up my end, and now he wants to welsh.  So who's really in the wrong?  'Sides, there's nothing you can do - I get his life.  One way or another, Quarry's gonna die.  He might slip in the shower, choke on a herringbone, or have a turtle drop out of the freakin' sky on his head - but he will die.  I don't even gotta be there. MUSIC SOUND    POUNDING ON A DOOR QUARRY    [squeak] SOUND    CHAIN LOCK OFF, STARTS TO OPEN DOOR, BUT IT SLAMS OPEN ON HIM QUARRY    [Starts to scream, is muffled] SOUND    DOOR SLAMS SOUND    BODY UP AGAINST WALL RENA    I believe this is yours. SOUND    BUNCH OF PAPER FLIPPED OUT ALL OVER FLOOR QUARRY    [squinched up] You said you don't give refunds. RENA    I'm making an exception.  You're lucky I don't feel like breaking my "I don't beat the crap out of my employers" rule, too. SOUND    CRUMPLING MONEY QUARRY    [crying piteously] Look at me - oodles of money, married to a supermodel, top of the world - and it's all ashes. RENA    You made your own bed. QUARRY    [getting a bit tough]  So I don't wanna die - is that so wrong? RENA    Everyone dies. QUARRY    But me - I'm gonna die day after tomorrow!!!  And you won't even help!  RENA    Does the word "demon" ring a bell? QUARRY    Wouldya have believed me?  I don't think so. RENA    [mocking his catchphrase] No.  Reeeeally? MUSIC SOUND    DRIVING IN A CAR MATILDA    [on filter]  Too bad.  He is Fred Quarry. RENA    I still don't care.  He's a weasely little shmuck. MATILDA    Too bad you didn't keep the check - once he's dead, that signature'll be worth big bucks. RENA    Oh, please. MATILDA    I have the soul of a collector. RENA    And the taste of a crazy cat lady. MATILDA    [huffy] I have never tasted a crazy cat lady in my life. RENA    [snort, almost a chuckle] MUSIC SOUND    SNORING [rena] SOUND    PHONE RINGS SOUND    FUMBLING FOR PHONE, PICKS UP RENA    [barely awake] What? BUD    [filter] Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, eh? RENA    Yup.  Thanks for calling. SOUND    STARTS TO FUMBLE PHONE BACK BUD    [filter, getting smaller] Wait-wait-wait!  Should I call back after you have some coffee?  Lithium? RENA    [sigh]  Speak. BUD    [filter] This ain't exactly something I wanna discuss over the phone. RENA    Where? MUSIC SOUND    PARK AMB SOUND    FEET ON GRAVEL RENA    So? BUD    Your sister on the line?  RENA    Yeah.  BUD    Where? RENA    Where what?   She's at our office. BUD    She always is, isn't she?  She don't get out much.  I mean where's the mike? RENA    Does it matter? BUD    I don't like being bugged. RENA    I can always leave. BUD    No, no.  Well, if she's gonna be part of this deeply personal conversation - introduce us, wouldja? RENA    Matilda.  Bud.  Happy? BUD    Thrilled.  And you? RENA    I'm thrilled too. BUD    Your name.  You know mine. RENA    I've already forgotten it. BUD    Bud. RENA    Rena.   You're lucky I'm not charging by the minute. BUD    Fine.  I gotta trade for ya - I leave your boy sucking air, and you do something for me. RENA    He's not my boy.  BUD    Well.... see if you can get back on the payroll, and take him for as much as you can get.  [sigh] I wouldn't even consider any of this but you don't strike me like someone who's gonna laugh me out. MATILDA    [filter, quiet]  Wow, finally your lack of a sense of humor actually comes in handy. BUD    [uncomfortable] See, I ain't had a date in a really long time-- RENA    Not interested. SOUND    STARTS TO WALK AWAY.  MATILDA    [filter, quiet]  I might be.  I loved Fargo. BUD    [demonic voice] LISTEN. SOUND    FEET STOP BUD    No offense to you, sweet cheeks, but dating a human is like having a freaking hamster for a pet.  Cute and cuddly, but the relationship has the lifespan of about a week.  [lighter]  Besides that wheel just gets on your freakin' nerves.  [laughs] RENA     That "funny". How's that working for you? BUD    I'm an acquired taste.  So... [long breath] I spotted another demon.  A real looker.  Last night at a club.  Dark hair, sleek body...  RENA    Do I look like a yenta? BUD    [urgent] Find out who she is and get me a date. RENA    A... date? BUD    Yeah, a date - I don't mean you gotta guarantee "va-va-voom" or nothing, just get her to go out with me.  If I can't take it from there, well... that's my problem. RENA    And Quarry goes free. BUD    Well... Instead of death, I can settle for total ruination.  People come back from worse every day.  Look at Rob Lowe.  Marion Barry? MATILDA    I'll call Fred! MUSIC SOUND    OUTSIDE, APPROACHING A NIGHTCLUB RENA    [musing] Goblin and the Trolls - Delightful.  Bad sixties rehash or cheez metal? MATILDA    Give me a second. RENA    It was rhetorical. MATILDA    Cheez. RENA    What? MATILDA    The band.  They sound like Gwar without the bodily fluids. RENA    Woo.  This better work.  How do I turn it on? SOUND    BOX OPENS; CHIMEY HUM, MUTED - GETS LOUDER AS SHE GOES THROUGH THE DOOR.  MUSIC IS PLAYING MATILDA    Dunno - Bud just said that crystal would lead you to--  Oh, jeez. RENA    What? SOUND    CHIMEY THING GETS LOUDER. MATILDA    Feedback.  Call when you turn it off. SOUND    MATILDA OUT RENA    Oh, goody. MUSIC MUSIC MUTES WITH THE SHUTTING OF A DOOR SOUND    SINK RUNS, THEN STOPS. SOUND    LIPSTICK OPENS. SOUND    PAPER TOWELS RENA    [very uncomfortable] Hi. INFERNIQUE    It's not your color. RENA    No, I-- INFERNIQUE    Weren't you asking to borrow my lipstick? RENA    No, I-- INFERNIQUE    Then... [smacks lips] No, I'm not into chicks. RENA    No!  I-- INFERNIQUE    [sigh] What, then? RENA    [fumbling, flustered]  This is going to sound... well, like something out of junior high school. INFERNIQUE    Dissection? RENA    I have a sort of a ...friend who wants me to tell you that he thinks you're ... attractive - and he wants me to - he wants to ... ask you out. INFERNIQUE    And he's what ... shy? RENA    No, he's one of - your kind.  He saw you here last night-- INFERNIQUE    That iguana in the leisure suit?  I don't think so. SOUND    BUSINESS CARD SLAPPED ONTO COUNTER RENA    Just in case, here's my-- SOUND    BODY SLAMMED UP AGAINST WALL RENA     [gasp] INFERNIQUE    [suddenly intense] Don't try to set me up, bait.  I happen to be honest.  If you're some kind of half-ass demon-hunter, you can bite me, [demonic whisper] and I don't mean in the nice way.  SOUND    MUSIC STARTS SOUND    BODY SLAMMED BACK INTO WALL INFERNIQUE    Gotta go, sweetheart - my boys are on. MUSIC SOUND    CAR DOOR SLAMS SHUT, SMACK TO STEERING WHEEL RENA    I hate bitches.  SOUND    PUNCHING BUTTONS ON A CELLPHONE RENA    Especially DEMON bitches. BUD    I take it the date's off? SOUND    PHONE FALLS TO FLOOR, STILL RINGING RENA    [completely surprised]  What the crap?  How'd you get into my-- BUD    "Demon"? RENA    Right.  That.  MATILDA    [filter] What's up?  Hang up your phone. RENA    It's on the floor.  Yes, she wouldn't go for it.  BUD    Figures.  Classy deme like that.  [sigh]  It was worth a try.  I owe you something. RENA    No thanks. BUD    Nonsense.  I always pay up.  How about a new car or something? RENA    Answer some questions. BUD    If I can - some things man ain't meant to know. RENA    This demon bitch said she's "honest"?  BUD    So? RENA    The way she said it, it seems like it meant something ... more. BUD    [trying to decide] Hmm.  Yeah, you can know that.  Ok, I think your basic problem here is that you're thinking demons are the enemies of god, right? RENA    Go on. BUD    See, what you're forgetting is that in a big business, the janitors work for the same boss as the executives.  Get me? MATILDA    [filter] Interesting. RENA    No. BUD    God made folks able to choose right from wrong.  He wants 'em to choose, right, sure, but if wrong ain't enticing, it ain't a fair test.  MATILDA    [filter] Makes sense. BUD     So, you get a bunch of mooks like me running around tempting people.  If they're good clean folks who would rather do the right thing, then they just don't take us up on it.  Otherwise... MATILDA    [filter] Sort of like if chocolate tasted like celery, we'd all be a size 8. RENA    Matilda says-- BUD    Skip the replay - I can hear her. RENA    So, "Honest"? BUD    Right, um.  We have rules.  We don't lie to make a deal - we omit everything under the sun, but can't tell an actual untruth.  We can only offer stuff, in return for... stuff.  We can't threaten folks - you know, say something like "if you don't sign, we'll kill your dog", y'know?  [joking] And it's murder if you pull out the red-hot pokers. MATILDA    [filter] So why hasn't he - sorry, why haven't you - tried to tempt us? BUD    You're not my type.  Uh, no offense - my department is fat male comedians.  You may have seen some of my work. MATILDA    [filter] Really?  Like John Belushi?  John Candy?  [ghoulish] Fatty Arbuckle?  BUD    Far be it from me to name names, but let's just say how else would Tommy Boy and Black Sheep both get made? MATILDA    [filter] Wow.  So what do you... do? BUD    Actually, not much.  I mean, the way I roll is I don't make talentless gobs into stars - much easier to scout the ones who actually have what it takes but no luck, catch 'em at a low point, and scoop them and their haagen dasz up like sand on the beach.  Do a little work - pretty much like any other agent - and reap the rewards. RENA    You're a shit. BUD    Pretty much like any other agent.  RENA    Your percentage is a little high. BUD    Look, babe.  It's my job.  It may be a crap job, but I'm good at it.  Always in the black.  And you don't want to run over on these kinds of projects - the accounting department - whew!  I mean, you wanna see bureacracy, go to hell. MATILDA    [filter]  But you could - decide not to kill Quarry? BUD    Well, it seems like a wash now, but yeah - I gotta little discretion.  Won't be a gold star on my record, but I stay ahead enough - basically he'd be a small loss, like losing money for a tax writeoff.  MUSIC SOUND    RUSTLE OF PAPER, EATING NOISES SOUND    TV, COMPUTER, PLAYS IN BG MATILDA    [around food]  Hold on, um, here-- SOUND    REMOTE CLICKS, T.V. SOUND UP QUARRY    [on T.V.]  No, Reeeally? SOUND    [on T.V.]  MUSIC CUTS TO COMMERCIAL, SOUND DOWN RENA    He's still an idiot. MATILDA    You don't feel sorry for him?  At all? RENA    Right.  Next I can feel sorry for the chain smoker who's going through cancer and the gangbanger who gets caught in a drive by.  Let's just help everyone. MATILDA    [tsks] SOUND    KNOCKING AT THE DOOR RENA    Got it. SOUND    CREAK OF CHAIR, FOOTSTEPS, LITTLE METAL PEEPHOLE DOOR RENA    What? QUARRY    [outside] Can we talk? RENA    [disgusted sigh, calls over her shoulder]  Incoming! SOUND    SEVERAL LOCKS UNLOCK, DOOR OPENS QUARRY    [coming in] I brought someone to talk to you.  Maybe it'll help. MA    [old and feeble] Hi. RENA    I thought she was a supermodel. QUARRY    Huh?  MA    You're thinking of Divana, his wife.  I'm his mother. MATILDA    Is that--?  [laughs]  No, Reeeally? QUARRY    [disconcerted] Uh, who's that? RENA    My sister.  She's a big fan. MA    [quiet] Oh. QUARRY    You stay here, ma, and talk to this nice lady, I'll go sign an autograph or something. MA    Um. [quietly] So, you're a friend of Fred's? RENA    No.  MA    Oh, uh - Fred's such a nice boy.  He paid off my mortgage. RENA    Good for you. MA    And he even bought me a new hip.   You should really help with whatever-- MATILDA    [from off] Oh my god!  Is that Mamma Farnaby?  Bring her on over! MA    [losing the cutesy old lady]  Oh, Crap. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, KICKING A BAG ASIDE RENA    You know her? QUARRY    [mumbled]  She's my... mom. MATILDA    She plays his mother on the show. MA    I tried. MATILDA    Come on over, I gotta get your autograph too! MUSIC SOUND    CAR DOOR CLOSES, KEYS INTO IGNITION RENA    [talking to Mat] Yes, I got them.  Um-hmm, The frosted kind, not the glazed-- INFERNIQUE    [pointed sigh] RENA    Oh, I should have mentioned the black-eyed bitch in the back seat.  Why are you here? INFERNIQUE    To make a deal. RENA    How'd you find me? INFERIQUE    You left me your card. RENA    Funny how that connects up to catching me in the car at the grocery store. INFERNIQUE    I'm here to make a deal.  A one time offer. RENA    Deal? INFERNIQUE    I will go to [disgusted] karaoke, or miniature golf, or whatever appeals to your... [slur] friend.  But you have to do something for me. RENA    I'm listening? INFERNIQUE    I've run a bit over budget for my "current project".  You do understand what I'm talking about? RENA    I've got the basics.  Hell.  Bureaucracy.  Budgets. INFERNIQUE    Good.  My current client is the "singer" for that ...band.  RENA    I'm sorry. INFERNIQUE    And I need someone to kill him. RENA    [beat, but still even] Isn't that... cheating?  INFERNIQUE    Don't ask.  Don't tell.  MUSIC SOUND    LOCKS UNLOCK, DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS [laughter] SOUND    TV PAUSES RENA    [coming in] They only had a dozen-- oh. MATILDA    [off] There won't be enough to go around. QUARRY    [off] What'dja bring? MA    [off] I'm off grains anyway. SOUND    FEET RENA    I take it you weren't on the cans the whole time I was gone? MATILDA    [sharp]  What?  You said you got the frosted ones, then hung up. RENA    Shit.  Get your ears on.  I'll step outside. QUARRY    [eager] We could - you know - leave. MA    I do have a rolfing session at 5. MATILDA    Oh, all right.  Come back sometime, ya hear? SOUND    FOOTSTEPS MATILDA    [calling]  Bye!  Thanx again for hanging out! MA    Bye, dear. MATILDA    Give me one, willya? RENA    [beat] She means you. QUARRY    Right. [deep breath, then in character] No, Reeeaally? MATILDA     [laughs delightedly]  Yay! SOUND    DOOR SHUTS, BUT PEEPHOLE DOOR OPENS RENA    [talking loudly]  It was that demon chick.  MATILDA    [both quiet and on filter] You don't have to yell. RENA    She said if I killed her "client", she would get Bud to let Quarrie off. MATILDA    You shouldn't-- RENA    Yeah, that singer with the band.  I just don’t think I can do that.  Even for ten times the money.  I'm just... not a killer. MATILDA    [quiet]  But you are a conniving bitch. RENA    I guess I can think about it, but your pal's time is nearly up.  [overly dramatic sigh]  MATILDA    How will you get him there? RENA    I suppose it can’t hurt to go and see the band tonight.  See what the vic's like. MATILDA    [chuckles evilly]  I suppose it can't. SOUND    A MOMENT, THEN LITTLE METAL DOOR SHUTS RENA    Did he give you a new check? MUSIC AMB    BACK ALLEY INFERNIQUE    Goblin's not dead yet. RENA    [gasp, slightly irritated] You really need to stop doing that. INFERNIQUE    It's part of my charm.  Ask your little "friend." RENA    You said that as long as Goblin's dead by midnight, you'll-- INFERNIQUE    Must I say it again?  "go out with that... fellow." RENA    Bud. INFERNIQUE    [as if it's offal]  Bud. RENA    Right.  Thanks. INFERNIQUE    See you later.  [slowly sounding demonic] Don't jerk me around.  You wouldn't like to see me angry.  RENA    [unruffled]  Yeah.  Betcha get ugly.  I'll be inside. SOUND    STEPS, DOOR OPENS BUD    Was that wise? RENA    Promising a dead goblin? BUD    Uh, no - pissing her off.  [avid] Not that she ain't seriously hot when she lets the red out, but-- RENA    It's fine.  And you'll be in the black. MATILDA    [on radio]  Though I'll bet he'd rather be "in the red" ... at least if she's steamy enough... BUD    Hah!  You gotta dirty mind, babe. RENA    Darn.  And all I got was looks. SOUND    3 GUN SHOTS BUD    What the--? RENA    Hold on.  [waits a second] BUD    [whispered] I don't hear nothing. RENA    Ok.  He's coming. BUD    What? RENA    Had to make sure there weren't any more. BUD    What--? SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN QUARRY    [under his breath] Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! RENA    Over here. QUARRY    What? BUD    [realizing]  Oh?  Oh!  That's beautiful! QUARRY    I gotta get out of here! RENA    No. QUARRY    What? RENA    Do you have your story? QUARRY    Story? RENA    Play the crazy card. QUARRY    Crazy - Look, ask him-- no, I'll ask him-- [yelling off]  Am I out?  I mean, are we square? BUD    [smug] We'll know in just a sec, won't we? RENA    Fred, focus.  Crazy talk. QUARRY    Why? RENA    You're gonna get caught. QUARRY    No!  I mean - why? BUD    She's right.  About a surprising lot of things, Freddy babe.  You can't walk away free and clear, but-- INFERNIQUE    He's dead.  [mock sympathy] Before you could even get in there.  Too bad about that. QUARRY    [long squeal] Noooo! BUD    Ah, crap. RENA    [calm] I never said I was going to kill him. INFERNIQUE    You-- RENA    I specified "as long as he's dead by midnight--" and you agreed. MATILDA    [on radio]  You want a playback on that?  For your records, maybe? INDERNIQUE    Blast you! BUD    You can blast me, babe.  But... you know you gotta come through.  For her. INFERNIQUE    [long hissing breath as she decides]  Fine!  But you may just rue this day later. BUD    Freddy there will. QUARRY    I'm just tickled there is a later. BUD    Oh, yeah.  You're clear.  [to Inf]  Shall we?  I know this cute little place where they make the best lobster calzone.  Mwa! [to Fred] Make sure your check doesn’t bounce.  Those chicks'll fuck you up. RENA    Yup. QUARRY    Cash it quick. RENA    Now for the crazy talk. MUSIC TV NEWS    --Remanded for psychiatric evaluation after he broke down on the stand and claimed that the devil demanded he kill or be killed. MATILDA    Tsk.  They should be nicer to that poor boy. RENA    Why? MATILDA    The rest of the news is all politicians and disasters.  RENA    So? MATILDA    He's a rarity. RENA    A celebrity criminal? MATILDA    Someone actually telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth. RENA    [almost a chuckle] CLOSER

Space does weird things to people.

Our Patreon:  https://www.patreon.com/19Nocturne?fan_landing=true What do you do when you walk into your living room and find a demon?  And he claims his name is Bob? "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an apartment hallway, can't you tell?" Cast List Sherry - Angela Kirby Bob Johnson - Gene Thorkildsen Bob Johnston - Henry Mark Carmelita - Kristina Yuen Goat - himself Music by Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) and Zlata Dzardanova Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock ************************************************ THE WRONG BOB   Cast: Olivia Bob Johnson, neatnik unlucky accountant Bob Johnston, womanizing creep Sherry Miller, nice girl, also an accountant Carmelita, fortuneteller / sorceress OLIVIA           Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's an apartment house hallway, can't you tell?  MUSIC            SCHMALTZY, INDETERMINATE TIME PERIOD FADES INTO SHERRY           [Whistling, continues until noted] SOUND            RATTLE OF KEYS, KEY INTO LOCK, KEY TURNS SOUND            DOOR OPENS.  A COUPLE FOOTSTEPS. RATTLE OF PAPER GROCERY BAG. SHERRY           [Whistle ends, grunt of effort] SOUND            DOOR SHUTS, LOCK CLICKS.  FOOTSTEPS TURN-- BOB              [Deep, scary demon voice]  SHERRY! SHERRY           [Screams!] SOUND            PAPER GROCERY BAG FALLS TO FLOOR.  SOMETHING GLASS SMASHES BOB              [Deep, scary demon voice, but worried tone] Shh!  [then, commanding] BE QUIET! SHERRY           [Muffles herself, still squeaking, dissolves into sobs] BOB              [Worried tone] It's not what you think. SHERRY           I-- What? BOB              It's not what you think. SHERRY           I walk in to find a demon on my couch, and it's not what I think?  BOB              I'm not a demon.  I ...think. SHERRY           [starting to get feisty]  Well, the red skin, wings, and-- and hooves!  [gasp, then upset]  My hardwood!  [angry] Huh!  Sure woulda fooled me! BOB              It's me.  Bob. SHERRY           [puzzled] Bob... who?  A demon named Bob? BOB              No.  Bob Johnson?  Next desk over? SHERRY           Anal Bob?  I mean..... um.... BOB              [sighs heavily]  Yes.  Bob Johnson. SHERRY           How can I be sure?  You don't look anything like-- BOB              I cleaned your kitchen while I was waiting for you to get home. SHERRY           Okay.  You're Bob.  How did you get in here? BOB              [abashed] Your landlord was... surprisingly cooperative. SHERRY           [working herself up] Now, two questions before I have to start screaming again-- BOB              Oh, please don't--! SHERRY           How did this happen? BOB              I don't know. SHERRY           [Screaming] And why are you in my living room? BOB              [cowed]  I-- I-- I thought you might be able to help.  You're the only person I know who, seems to know about witchcraft and things. SHERRY           Witchcraft?  Me? BOB              Well, you have a tarot card calendar at your desk. SHERRY           [sigh]  MUSIC SOUND            RATTLE OF TEACUPS  SHERRY           So you just woke up this way? BOB              [really down]  Yes. SHERRY           And you haven't done anything truly terrible, like murder or blasphemy or anything? BOB              I...wouldn't...know?  I'm not even Catholic! SHERRY           But you'd remember if you murdered anyone? BOB              [duh] Well, yes.  It would probably be in my day planner. SHERRY           I really hope you're kidding. SOUND            TEA CUP SHATTERS BOB              Darn!  Stupid claws. SHERRY           Don't worry about it.  Look, Bob, this is serious.  You have to think! BOB              I'm baffled.  You know me.  I don't do -- anything.  I read trade journals for accounting, and watch movies about private eyes.  SHERRY           You use the word "baffled" in conversation. BOB              I clean my house.  I sometimes build models out of matchsticks.  Once - once! - I got drunk and sang Louie, Louie at karaoke.  That's-- that's about it.  SHERRY           Ok, we've got to do something.  I'll go to your house-- BOB              345 Canterbury Drive-- SHERRY           --and look around, see if there's a gateway to the underworld, or some kind of evil fetish doll or something.  Give me your keys. BOB              [apologetic] I-- don't have pockets. SHERRY           [sigh] BOB              But I do have a key hidden in a crack under the windowsill of the third window on the left hand side of the--[fades out] MUSIC SOUND            DOOR OPENS, STEPS SHERRY           Bob? BOB              [muffled] Over here. SHERRY           Oh.  Why are you trying to hide? BOB              In case anyone came in. SHERRY           I'm the only one with a key. BOB              I didn’t know if you might have a ... guy ... or something.  [quickly] Or a girl.  [shrug] You know.  I don't - just don't know.  Sorry SHERRY           Bob.  I'm not a lesbian, no matter what Fritz in acquisitions says - I just didn't want to go out with him.  Way too full of himself.  And I don't have a boyfriend.  BOB              Oh.  Sorry. SHERRY           Stop apologizing!  BOB              Did you find anything that might--? SHERRY           Nope.  But I did pick up your mail.  SOUND            SLAPS MAIL ON TABLE BOB              Um...  Could you open it for me? SHERRY           What?  BOB              I can't just leave it sitting there. SHERRY           Do what you gotta do.  [moving off] I need to eat something, anyway. BOB              I took all the expired food out of your fridge and threw it away. SHERRY           [from off] [sigh] Thanks. BOB              [calling] But I can't open my mail. SHERRY           [calling] What? BOB              [calling] The claws.  That's why I gave up on washing your dishes. SHERRY           [off] Aw, jeez.  [sigh]  Okay, give me time for a sandwich. MUSIC SOUND            TEARING SOUND SHERRY           [shocked] Bob! BOB              MM?  What?  [gasping, turning redder] Oh, goodness-- that's not mine! SHERRY           [half teasing] Like hell it isn't, you perv. BOB              It's not - look at the address.  [begging] Seriously.  SHERRY           Bob Johnston, 345 Canterbury Court.  Sounds right, though they misspelled-- BOB              I'm at Canterbury drive.  Not court.  And I don't have a T in my name.  [agonized] I get this guy's mail all the time.  [pause]  I should have checked before asking you to open stuff.  Sorry. SOUND            PAGES TURNING SHERRY           Hmm.  Always wondered what that was for--  [snapped back to conversation] What was that?  BOB              This guy.  He gets my mail, I get his.  I started having anything identity theft-ish sent to a p.o. box, just so it couldn't end up in this joker's hands. SHERRY           Does he get a lot of these catalogs? BOB              That one's pretty tame.  They were amusing at first, but now it's like - it's like I have no spam filter.  [breaks down in tears] SHERRY           Hey, Bob.  C'mon, it isn't that bad.  BOB              Yes it is. SHERRY           That you get the occasional catalog from a sex shop? BOB              And packages.  There's a whole stack of them in the front hall closet that he hasn't come and picked up yet this month. SHERRY           Is that what those were?  Packages...  Are you sure they're all ... naughty stuff? BOB              No, I guess not, but what else would they be?  Encyclopedias?  I just see his name and toss them into the closet - plus I don't ever order anything.  SHERRY           Hmm.  [musing]  Maybe I'll return them to him.  A chance to see this creep. BOB              [down] Yeah. SHERRY           What? BOB              Apparently, despite his ... hobbies ... women seem to, well... like him.  You'll probably end up liking him too. SHERRY           I'm not that easy.  Just ask Fritz. MUSIC AMBIANCE         LIGHT MUSIC IN BACKGROUND SHERRY           [giggles, sounds slightly drunk] and then I fell off the stage! JOHNSTON         [soooo smooth]  Really?  I can't imagine you being so - uncoordinated.  You have such grace. SHERRY           Me?  Ohh! [oh, you!] JOHNSTON         I like grace - it's so rare.  And grace lasts.  Like personality.  SHERRY           [a little cautious]  Oh? JOHNSTON         I can't help it - I take the long view on things.  Think about what it might be like - you know - if we were still together years from now. SHERRY           And what do you see? JOHNSTON         Long walks on the beach.  Candlelit dinners.  Wow - I can - you know, you're just someone I can really talk to.  [rueful chuckle] Usually I don't admit how much I like simple things... SOUND            PHONE RINGS, KEEPS RINGING UNTIL PICKED UP SHERRY           Go ahead. JOHNSTON         It can go to voice. SHERRY           Nah.  I need a moment, anyway.  Down the hall? JOHNSTON         On the left. SOUND            HER FOOTSTEPS GO, THEN SLOW AND STOP SOUND            HE PICKS UP PHONE SHERRY           Hmm? [stopping to listen] JOHNSTON         [slightly off, bright] You got Bob!  [exasperated sigh, then angry]  Look, you--  [beat] No!  I don't care--  [beat] Call them.  See if I care! SOUND            SLAMS DOWN PHONE SHERRY           Hmm!  SOUND            SHE TIPTOES AWAY SHERRY           [going off] Four one hundred, five one hundred, six-- SOUND            [beat, then] FLUSH JOHNSTON         [muttered, like a curse]  Women. SOUND            SHERRIE'S FEET, COMING BACK ON SHERRY           Wow - I just realized the time! JOHNSTON         What, but-- SHERRY           Thank you so much for your ... hospitality. JOHNSTON         [cajoling] Come on, sweet thing - the night is young! SHERRY           But my mother isn't - and she expects me to bring her her medicine.  Can't disappoint mom. JOHNSTON         No.  Of course.  Can I - see you again? SHERRY           Hmm.  I think that can be arranged.  SOUND            QUICK MWA GOODNIGHT KISS, THEN DOOR OPENS MUSIC SOUND            PHONE RINGS BOB              Oh, crap. SOUND            PHONE RINGS SEVERAL MORE TIMES BOB              [undecided]  Uhh...  Stop!  Go away!  She's not home! SOUND            PHONE STOPS, CLICK BOB              [sigh of relief] SOUND            MESSAGE COMES ON BOB              [gasp of surprise] SHERRY           Hi!  This is Sherry.  Leave a message. BOB              [sigh of relief] SOUND            BEEP SHERRY           [on the phone] Bob!  Don't break my phone, just listen. BOB              Ok. SHERRY           [on the phone] Jeez, I hope you're there.  [chuckle] Where else would he be?  Right.  I'm going to consult an expert.  I'm just leaving Bob's place - the other Bob's place - and there's this fortuneteller shop.  It's probably all a crock, but it's a place to start.  So don't be surprised if I'm not home any time soon.  [beat]  Oh, and you're gonna owe me whatever I have to pay this fortuneteller chick. BOB              I don't have any pockets. SHERRY           [on the phone] When you're back.  Normal, I mean.  Bye! SOUND            PHONE HANGS UP, DIAL TONE, THEN OUT BOB              [musing] I guess in the long run, any cost benefit analysis would lean in favor of paying whatever it costs to return to normal, since I couldn't really function in my job as I am now...  Oh no!  Work! SOUND            FUMBLES WITH PHONE SOUND            BREAKING NOISE BOB              Oh-- drat! MUSIC AMB              MID-EASTERN MUSIC SOUND            DOOR OPENS, JINGLE OF BELL SHERRY           Hello? SOUND            DOOR SWINGS SHUT HARD, NO BELL CARMELITA        One minute.  Remain where you are.  I must finish my communion with the spirits. SHERRY           [muttered] I'll wait for the flush.  SOUND            SLOW PACING SHERRY           [listing things] Palmistry.  Hmm.  [puzzled] I don't even have that line.  Ah well.  Maybe-- SOUND            A COUPLE MORE STEPS SHERRY           Tarot cards.  [sigh, muttered] Jeez, Bob.  You’re such a dork.  [quoting jokingly] "The lovers- you will soon fall madly in love" SOUND            BEADED CURTAIN SWEPT ASIDE CARMELITA        [angry]  Nonsense!  The lovers is a card of choice!  You want love, look to cups! SHERRY           [very nervous and startled] I-I was just quoting....  An old commercial.  Look, I don't mean to be... snippy or anything, I'm just...  I've never done this before. CARMELITA        I accept your apology.  [slight warning breath, then satisfied sigh]  The spirits accept as well. SHERRY           [skeptical] Right.  CARMELITA        Come.  Sit.  Are you looking for your future or your past? SOUND            FEET MOVE TO TABLE SHERRY           I'm actually here for a friend... CARMELITA        Ah, yes.  "Your friend" - is she in some kind of trouble? SHERRY           No, no, it's a he-- CARMELITA        A lover? SHERRY           Oh god no! CARMELITA        Hmm.  Hold on.  Give me your hand. SHERRY           Look, why don't I just tell you what's going on--? CARMELITA        Shh! SHERRY           Fine.  Here. CARMELITA        Hmm.  I see.  Hmm.  Who does your nails?  These are very nice. SHERRY           Why are you looking at my manicure rather than my palm? CARMELITA        [shrug]  It is one way to tell how much help you can afford.  See?  I am being blunt for you, since you are a non-nonsense woman, I can see that. SHERRY           Look, this is silly.  I-I'm gonna leave.  How much do I owe you? CARMELITA        Stop!  One card.  I will show you one card, and if it does not resonate for you, then you may leave and owe me nothing.  SHERRY           Fine.  Go ahead. CARMELITA        Cut the deck. SOUND            LARGE CARD DECK, CUT SHERRY           There. CARMELITA        Again. SOUND            LARGE CARD DECK, CUT SHERRY           [sigh] Good enough? CARMELITA        I have not touched the cards, you see?  Turn over that top card.  The auger there will stun you. SOUND            [beat, then] CARD QUICKLY FLIPPED OVER SHERRY           [gasp!] MUSIC SOUND            DOOR OPENS SHERRY           What the hell? BOB              Sorry. SHERRY           You trashed my living room! BOB              [apologetic] Apparently demons have anger management issues.  I'll pay you back!  An Ikea gift card should cover most of it-- SHERRY           What the hell got into you? BOB              [more and more miserable] I tried to call in sick, and ...broke the phone.  That was sort of the last straw. SHERRY           [exasperated sigh, then cold] Did you at least get my message? BOB              [subdued] Yes. SHERRY           [beat]  Aren't you curious? BOB              I'm... waiting for you to yell at me. SHERRY           I'm... I'm done. BOB              [worried] Are you sure? SHERRY           Let me guess - your mom was pretty - um - rowdy when you screwed up. BOB              Um...yes. SHERRY           That explains a lot.  Look, I went to the fortuneteller-- BOB              Can you-- I'm sorry, but, um - can you check in with the office first?  [really anxious] Please?  I haven’t missed a day of work in six and a half years - not since I got bronchial pneumonia that one winter. SHERRY           Fine.  SOUND            CELLPHONE FLIPS OPEN MUSIC AMB              MID-EASTERN MUSIC CARMELITA        Come to me!  Come to me!  I need the power!  [moans and noises, but no words]  I feel it!  Yes! SOUND            MICROWAVE BEEPS CARMELITA        Aha! MUSIC SHERRY           Done. BOB              Did they say anything? SHERRY           Not really.  You got plenty of time banked.  I told them you were delirious today and that's why you didn't call in. BOB              Oh, that's a good one. SHERRY           Sit, will you? SOUND            HEAVY BODY SITS, FURNITURE CREAKS SHERRY           [sigh]  This chick, Carmelita - well, I didn't tell her everything.  I didn't tell her much, at all, I just couldn't see how!  It was ... well-- BOB              Too weird? SHERRY           Kinda.  The weirdest part was she had me pick a card, and it was-- BOB              The Devil? SHERRY           I thought you didn't know about any of this stuff. BOB              It’s ... October on your calander. SHERRY           [sigh, then matter of fact] Anyway, I said I had a friend who was cursed, and asked about how to break curses.  She said I needed to bring her something that belongs to the friend, and she could sort of diagnose the problem.  Do you have anything that doesn't look all ... um... demony? BOB              Uh...  what sort of things? SHERRY           Something from your body - hair, something. BOB              [worried] You want to pull some hair?  SHERRY           She said it had to come straight from the source and be fresh. BOB              All right.  I'll turn my back and you pull.  Make it quick. SHERRY           Are you really such a total wuss? BOB              Well - um - uh - [small] I have a very low pain threshold. SHERRY           [sigh] All right.  Bend down. SOUND            HEAVY NOISES AS HE MOVES BOB              OK, go. SHERRY           [exasperated sigh]  All right.  Brace yourself. BOB              Wait! SHERRY           No - just "man up", Bob. BOB              Wait!  Something's happening! SHERRY           I haven't even started yet! BOB              [scream, which turns odd] Ahh! SOUND            SCUFFLE, BODY FLUNG, DROP, CREAKY NOISES, SCUTTLE OF HOOVES SHERRY           Oh crap. SOUND            GOAT "MAAAAA" MUSIC AMB              mid-eastern MUSIC SOUND            DOOR FLUNG OPEN, BELL PINGS SOUND            FEET STORM IN SHERRY           [agitated, quick] Hello?  Hello?  Damn it, get out here! SOUND            BEAD CURTAIN MOVES SLOWLY ASIDE CARMELITA        [tired or hung over]  Shush.  I am not open for business. SHERRY           Your door was unlocked. CARMELITA        A mistake.  Go away. SHERRY           No!  Help me and I'll leave.  I don't know another damn fortuneteller  or witch or anything in the entire city.  I have a goddam goat in my bathroom, and I need help. CARMELITA        A... goat? SHERRY           Yes.  [deep breath, trying to calm down, talks quieter]  Look, can we please talk?  CARMELITA        [long beat, then a sigh] Sit.  I will make tea. MUSIC SOUND            SIPPING TEA SHERRY           Is your head any better? CARMELITA        A bit.  As long as you talk quietly, it will not explode.  I had a bit of a long night. SHERRY           Problems? CARMELITA        Oh, don't even get me started. SHERRY           Hey, I can listen, if it'll help at all.  I'm not in such a rush. CARMELITA        Really? SHERRY           Sure.  [coaxing]  Come on.  CARMELITA        It's a man. SHERRY           [sympathetic] Isn't it always? CARMELITA        He's a bastard.  An evil bastard. SHERRY           There's plenty of 'em out there. CARMELITA        [breaking] I loved him. SHERRY           Tell me about it. CARMELITA        [teary] He is so charming.  Good teeth.  Good hair.  Good job.  [sips, then] Good catch. SHERRY           And I'll bet he knows it, too. CARMELITA        Of course.  But he comes in here, saying he has a dream he wants interpreted.  Says he has dreamed of me - that I, Carmelita, have haunted his dreams.  SHERRY           Smooth bastard. CARMELITA        So smooth you could buff him and see your face in him. SHERRY           [a bit puzzled]  Right.  Smooth like glass. CARMELITA        Just like glass. SHERRY           Shiny and flat and totally transparent once you look at them the right way. CARMELITA        [laughing a bit] Yes!  Just like that! SHERRY           I know just the type.  So he-- CARMELITA        He took advantage of my girlish heart.  SHERRY           Full advantage? CARMELITA        Yes.  SHERRY           [tsks]  CARMELITA        And then, once he had his wicked way - as the old movies say - poof!  He was gone. SHERRY           Screening his calls? CARMELITA        Worse.  He changed his number. SHERRY           [ouch noise] ooh! CARMELITA        So I got his new address.  [shrug]  Spirits are good for many things. SHERRY           Yeah, but can they find you a good man? CARMELITA        [disgusted noise]  They can find me a unicorn first.  Good men are more scarce. SHERRY           Amen to that. CARMELITA        The charming ones are all scum. [spits] SHERRY           And the boring ones-- CARMELITA        Oh, I would take boring in a heartbeat, if I could only trust him. SHERRY           Yeah, that's the trick. CARMELITA        Well.  I feel a little better now.  Tell me about your goat. MUSIC SOUND            APARTMENT DOOR OPENS SHERRY           Hello? BOB              [off, muffled] Maaa! SOUND            SHE WALKS DOWN THE HALL SHERRY           We might have the answer, Bob.  SOUND            BATHROOM DOOR OPENS BOB              [sad] Maa. SHERRY           Oh, goodness, Bob.  That's what the paper was for.  [sigh]  Come on. SOUND            HOOVES MUSIC AMB              MUSIC SOUND            DOOR OPENS, BELL SOUND            HOOVES ENTER CARMELITA        This is the goat? SHERRY           Ya think? CARMELITA        Of course.  Be quiet while I channel the spirits.  [hums, changing keys]  BOB              Maa? SHERRY           Shh! CARMELITA        [humming ends]  You're right - it is your goat.  The agreement stands, then.  Take this. SHERRY           OK.  Now, Bob.  You be a good goat and stay with Carmelita here.  I have an errand to run. BOB              [a bit panicky] Maa? CARMELITA        Don't worry, bubula, I'm rather fond of goats. MUSIC SOUND            DOORBELL JOHNSTON         Just a minute! SHERRY           [through the door] Bob?  I hope this isn't a bad time? SOUND            DOOR OPENS JOHNSTON         Oh, no!  I was - this is just crazy, but I was just thinking of you!  Cosmic, isn’t it? SHERRY           Wow! JOHNSTON         What's all that? SHERRY           Turns out there were some packages for you along with the mail today.  Figured I'd ...um... [coquettish]... have another excuse to drop in. JOHNSTON         Mmm! SHERRY           There's a few more, but I figure that'll keep. JOHNSTON         Here, let me get those. SOUND            WALKS, PICKS UP BOXES JOHNSTON         [grunt]  Wow!  How'd you get this all up here? SHERRY           I guess my mind was ....on other things. JOHNSTON         [interested, sexy] Oh? SOUND            HE GETS THE BOXES IN, THEY COLLAPSE ALL OVER THE FLOOR SOUND            SOMETHING GETS LOOSE AND ROLLS ACROSS THE FLOOR, BUZZING SHERRY           [embarrassed laugh]  Oh-ho! JOHNSTON         Oh.  That.  That's, um, for a friend. SHERRY           I'll bet.  [really laughing now]  Look out!  It's making a run for it! JOHNSTON         Here. SOUND            SCOOPS UP THE TOY, TURNS IT OFF, DROPS IT INTO BOX SHERRY           You're a man of ...interesting... tastes. JOHNSTON         I won't apologize.  I like to make my woman feel ...very ...good. SHERRY           A guy like you must already have a woman.  Or a bunch of them. JOHNSTON         [sigh, rueful]  I've been looking for so long for the right woman.  The woman who can make me really want to settle down.  You know?  A woman who makes me want to stay home and eat the same thing every night? SHERRY           But in the meantime--? JOHNSTON         Well, nothing wrong with exercising my god-given talents.  Just means that once I find this ...special... woman, I'll be an expert.  Able to fulfill her every need. SHERRY           [chuckle, then quiet] Paint my house. JOHNSTON         What? SHERRY           Sorry.  Quoting.  I don't suppose you have something to ...drink ... around here? JOHNSTON         Of course.  SOUND            TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS JOHNSTON         Your mother? SHERRY           Huh? JOHNSTON         Are you going to have to run off again? SHERRY           [muttered] You're good. [up] Bingo night. JOHNSTON         Ahhhh. MUSIC AMB              MUSIC SOUND            CARDS BEING TURNED OVER CARMELITA        The Lovers.  [chuckles]  Strange card for a goat.  What sort of choice have you made recently, do you think?  SOUND            TURNS ANOTHER CARD BOB              [worried] Maa! CARMELITA        No, no, darling.  [mwa!]  Death is not so bad as you think.  It means change - for you this is a good card in your near future.  I think your friend is actually going to pull this off! BOB              [like a sigh] Maa. CARMELITA        keep your chin up.  You can always stay here and be [cutesy] my little goat. MUSIC AMB              LOW SEXY MUSIC PLAYS SOUND            DRINKS POUR SENSUOUSLY SHERRY           [sigh] JOHNSTON         Hmm? SHERRY           Just thinking back on the silly coincidence that got me here. JOHNSTON         Pure karma, baby. SHERRY           Could I have a bit of ice? JOHNSTON         [chuckle] You don't ice this stuff, babe.  It's the heat that makes it go down so nicely. SHERRY           [suggestive]  It's not for the drink. JOHNSTON         Oh-ho! SOUND            HE GETS UP, WALKS OFF SOUND            UP CLOSE, SHE OPENS A TINY LITTLE BOTTLE, POURS SOMETHING INTO THE DRINK SHERRY           [calling, over the sounds] You might bring a whole bowl of them! SOUND            [OFF] HE OPENS THE FRIDGE, POPS OUT SOME ICE FROM A TRAY JOHNSTON         [off] You got it! SHERRY           [sigh of relief] SOUND            HE COMES BACK JOHNSTON         What happened? SHERRY           Happened? JOHNSTON         Did you put something in my drink? SHERRY           [trying to play it cutesy]  Just a widdle wuv potion. JOHNSTON         [angry, totally breaking the mood] A what?  What is it with you spooky chicks? SHERRY           Huh? JOHNSTON         Damn love potions and crap, seriously, what the hell is it? SHERRY           Jeez, Bob.  I was joking.  What crawled up your ass? JOHNSTON         Then, what?  Huh?  What did you put in there? SHERRY           It was just a little bubbly stuff.  Here, I'll drink it.  [exasperated sigh] It's just a game. JOHNSTON         You ruined perfectly good-- SHERRY           It's just - I've always-- [tsk, breaks off] JOHNSTON         What? SHERRY           I've always had this fantasy of being a femme fatale.  A bond girl.  Something really naughty. JOHNSTON         [getting into it - a little] Really? SHERRY           Yeah.  I was just playing. JOHNSTON         Hmm.  SHERRY           I didn’t think you would freak. JOHNSTON         Let's just put it down to bad experiences, 'kay?  Everyone's had 'em. SHERRY           [still miffed] Right. JOHNSTON         Oh, come on - we can still share the other glass.  I'll sip-- [sips] Now you. SHERRY           [giving in]  All right. JOHNSTON         There. SOUND            A BIT OF MASHING, MUSIC UP MUSIC BOB              Maa? CARMELITA        She has been gone a long time.  I hope it all is all right-- oh! SOUND            WEIRD STRETCHY NOISES BOB              [moaning in agony, etc. kinda goofy] CARMELITA        Now that is fascinating.  I've never actually had a chance to watch this end of a curse. BOB              [still gasping and ouchy] Oh!  Goodness...  Um, [gasps in shock] Don't just stare at me! CARMELITA        Why not?  You're human again. SOUND            PULLING THE TABLECLOTH, DISHES RATTLE CARMELITA        Stop that! BOB              [panicking] But I'm.... nude. CARMELITA        As if I have never seen a nude man before. BOB              Um.... I've never... BEEN nude before. CARMELITA        [with interest, teasing] Oh? BOB              You wouldn’t have some pants somewhere? CARMELITA        I'll go and check.  You might want to close the curtains, beefcakes. BOB              [panic] Ahh! SOUND            MORE RATTLE OF DISHES CARMELITA        [calling back as she leaves the room] Kidding! SOUND            BEAD CURTAIN PARTS SOUND            FRONT DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS CARMELITA        A-ha! SOUND            FEET ENTER SHERRY           Mission accomplished.  More or less.  [grunts with effort] SOUND            CREAK OF ROPE JOHNSTON         Maaa! SHERRY           Don't you even try that again! SOUND            HOOVES PULLED INTO ROOM CARMELITA        How did you do it?  He's one tricky bastard. SHERRY           Oh, I have a few tricks of my own-- SOUND            BEAD CURTAIN MOVES A LITTLE BOB              Sherry?  I'm... um... [unsure] okay now. SHERRY           Yeah.  Good.  [snickers]  Nice loincloth. BOB              [blushing] It was all I could-- CARMELITA        Oh, no you didn't!  Not my mother's good apron!  [commanding]  You get right back in there, mister and I will find you something! BOB              Okay. Sorry! SOUND            BEAD CURTAIN SWINGS CARMELITA        Can you take my guest here through to the yard - that door, there? SHERRY           With pleasure.  [grunting] Come on! SOUND            CREAK OF ROPE JOHNSTON         Maa!!! MUSIC CARMELITA        So what did you do?  Put it in his drink? SHERRY           First, what's going to happen to him?  Jackass he may be, but I can't see leaving him a goat forever. CARMELITA        I'll give him a couple of weeks.  Then turn him back, let him try and explain what happened. SHERRY           I can just see the Judge Judy episode where he tries to sue your pants off. BOB              [muttered] Only if you have pants... CARMELITA        She would laugh him out of court.  "But really, this bitch turned me into a goat for two weeks..."  SHERRY           She'd say "turned you?  [slowing losing it to laughter as she goes along] The defense has a laundry list of witnesses ready to swear you already were a goat..." CARMELITA        [laughing almost hysterically] BOB              What about me? SHERRY           [calming down]  Honestly, Bob.  I think you'll be fine.  BOB              But ...work? SHERRY           Didn’t even miss you.  [backpedaling] I mean  -- everyone feels you're about due for a mental health day.  Or five. CARMELITA        But I still don't see how you managed it? SHERRY           Simple.  You told me all about his moves.  His technique. BOB              I know.  Do guys really DO all that?  Just to get-- CARMELITA        Shh.  We'll talk later, darling.  [with feeling] Later. BOB              Ulp! SHERRY           [chuckling a bit]  So it was easy.  Once I put the fizzy stuff in his drink, he got all huffy and wouldn't drink it, even though I offered to take it myself. BOB              I wouldn't either. [shuts himself up suddenly] CARMELITA        And so? SHERRY           You said he was big nibbler.  I put the real potion all over my neck and shoulders.  Didn’t take long before - poof! BOB              I know you've done me a huge favor here, Sherry, and I owe you plenty, but could you do one last teensy thing? SHERRY           [sigh] What’s that? BOB              Pants?  SHERRY           Pants? BOB              Bring me some?  This blanket won't get me home - at least not without being arrested. SHERRY           [sigh] Pants it is.  CARMELITA        Not too quickly. BOB              [panicky] Huh? CARMELITA        There's something very... attractive about a man who already knows [intense] not to cross a witch. BOB              [gulp] CARMELITA        And you’re awfully cute.  At least without the hooves. BOB              Um, thanks?  [up] Sherry? SOUND            DOOR SHUTS, BELL DINGS JOHNSTON         [almost a laugh] maa-aa-aa-aa! CLOSER      

(Or Alan Edward Nourse - the spelling in this Gutenberg.org entry is inconsistent) Krenner breaks out of jail with one thought in mind - revenge!!  27 years is a long time and technology marches on.

When an agent sneaks inside a mind - he should be very careful whose minds he chooses. Sometimes there's no choice, though...

Adapted by Julie Hoverson from a story by Phillips Barbee (pseudonym of Robert Sheckley) Published in Galaxy Science Fiction, December 1952   Classic era science fiction about a very odd visitor from outer space.   Cast List Professor Michaels - Grant Baciocco (Radio Adventures of Dr. Floyd) Frank Connors - Bryan Hendrickson Mrs. Jones - Kimberly Poole (Warp'd Space) Sheriff Flynn - Glen Hallstrom General O'Donnell - Chuck Burke Allenson, scientist - Cary Ayers Moriarty, physicist - Eleiece Krawiec Brigadier-General - H. Keith Lyons Driver - Cary Ayers Soldier1 - John Carroll Soldier2 - Lothar Tuppan Pilot - Mark Olson The Leech - Suzanne Dunn, Will Watt, James Sedgwick, Julie Hoverson Many thanks to Project Gutenberg and Librivox for curating these classic stories. [Link to The Leech in short sci fi collection 24 at Librivox] Music by  misterscott99 [Thanx to Steve Guy for suggesting searching YouTube for a Theramin artist!!] Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock   "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a cabin in upstate New York, can't you tell?" ************************************************ The Leech By Phillips Barbee (Robert Sheckley), Galaxy Science Fiction December 1952 Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] The Leech Frank Connors, assistant Professor Michaels, anthropologist Mrs. Jones, housekeeper Sheriff Flynn / Jerry General O'Donnell / driver Allenson, scientist Moriarty, atomic physicist [bring in the leech voice, subtle, under the opening credits] LEECH A LEECH    hungry.  Empty.  hungry.  Empty. hungry.  hungry.  Empty [repeats under] OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a professor's rural retreat, circa 1952, can't you tell?  LEECH    falling falling falling heat impact FOOD!  ...eat. MUSIC STING   1_BIG NEWS AMBIANCE    OUTDOORS, BREEZE, CREAK OF HAMMOCK SOUND    [OFF A BIT]  KNOCK ON DOOR, SCREEN DOOR OPENS MRS. JONES    What? FRANK     Where's the prof?  I have to talk to him! MRS. JONES    You can give me his mail, young man. FRANK    But this is big news! MRS. JONES    If it's school business-- FRANK    It's not! MRS. JONES    It can still wait.  This is Professor Michaels' resting week, and you know it.  SOUND    SCREEN DOOR SLAMS MRS. JONES    [fading out] Bad enough those army convoys have to drive by at all hours of the day and night. FRANK    Wait!  Oh, heck. SOUND    A COUPLE OF STEPS ON WOOD PROF    [sigh] [calling]  Conners?  What the devil are you on about? SOUND    FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL FRANK     Oh!  Professor!  Say - I'm awfully sorry to disturb you, but there's something damn funny out in the ditch. PROF    Ditch? SOUND    DOOR OPENS MRS. JONES    Oh, you!  I told him to go, professor! PROF    It's all right, Mrs. Jones.  I'll handle this. MRS. JONES    Dinner in half an hour!  You know how you get when you don't eat. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS FRANK     So, the ditch.  Didja hear me?  There's something weird. PROF    Of course I heard you.  [sigh]  You found a pixie.  Feed him some milk, and go away. FRANK     No sir, I think it's a... a rock. PROF    A rock.  In the road.  How quaint.  FRANK    But sir-- PROF    [annoyed, but languid]  What is your job, Frank? FRANK    Sir? PROF    If you don't know, then perhaps I should hire someone else. FRANK    I'm to keep everyone off you while you relax.  See to the mail, the shopping. PROF    And does any of that involve spotting "rocks"? FRANK    No. PROF    Warning me of rocks? FRANK    No. PROF    Protecting me from rocks? FRANK    No, but-- PROF    So move the rock and get on with your-- FRANK    But sir, I tried!  See? SOUND    SHOVEL MOVEMENT PROF    [sigh] what?  [sharper] What? SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN MRS. JONES    What on god's green earth did you do to my shovel, young man? FRANK    I didn't do anything.  The rock thing did! MUSIC   LEECH B SOUND    [UNDER] FEET ON GRAVEL LEECH    food dull food warm light FOOD cold dark food slow food sloooooow... MUSIC   2_THE LEECH AMBIANCE    OUTDOORS SOUND    WALKING QUICKLY FRANK    [a bit breathless] I really wouldn't have bothered you for just nothing, but look! SOUND    DOINK ON METAL FRANK    Two inches!  It melted two inches right off! SOUND    FEET HALT PROF    [incredulous] That?  FRANK    That!  You can see it better from up close. PROF    Shh!  SOUND    SLOWER FOOTSTEPS PROF    [whispered] Do you hear anything? FRANK    [whispered] No.  I mean, not beyond birds and things. PROF    [grim] Neither do I. FRANK    So? PROF    [brighter]  Well, it's indicative of something, isn't it? SOUND    BRISKER FOOTSTEPS PROF    You have a notebook on you?  FRANK    No. PROF    Anything to write on? FRANK    Uh, no.  Just - just your mail. PROF    Here.  SOUND    SHUFFLE ENVELOPES PROF    No... no... no... Ah.  Here.  They won't notice if I don't respond. SOUND    SLAPS PAPER INTO HAND FRANK    Okay. PROF    We have what appears to be a round item of a stone-like appearance.  Greyish-black and striated. SOUND    JUGGLE SHOVEL, WRITING NOISES FRANK    Gotcha. PROF    [dictating] Sitting in the ditch.  Nearest edge, say, three feet off the road. FRANK    It's a bit farther than that, isn't it? PROF    I wouldn't say so. FRANK    [acquiescing] Okay. PROF    About the size of a truck tire. FRANK    No, really now, I think you have your proportions mixed up... SOUND    WALKS FORWARD FRANK    [dismayed] Oh. PROF    What?  Think I'm getting senile or something? FRANK    No, just... PROF    "Just" is not quantifiable.  Just spit it out. FRANK    It was smaller.  Before. PROF    How much smaller? FRANK    I dunno - an inch maybe.  But definitely smaller. PROF    Find me a stick. FRANK    A... stick? PROF    Here. [give me that] SOUND    TAKES SHOVEL FRANK    Don't touch it! PROF    I'm not planning to.  Not yet. SOUND    A COUPLE OF STEPS, DRAGGING SOUND PROF    As you observe, I am drawing a line approximately three inches beyond the edge of the thing. FRANK    [noting] Three inches.  Got it. PROF    Now, we'll have something to measure by in case it grows again. FRANK    Right. PROF    Now.  Let's see what happens. SOUND    METAL ON STONE - SORT OF SOUND    SIZZLING NOISE PROF    It's not unyielding - the shovel seems to sink in-- FRANK    Oh no it's not! SOUND    SCRAPE PROF    What?  Aha!  You're right.  It's not sinking in, it's being melted away.  Gives the same impression.  Odd how the mind interprets things.... FRANK    I think it just got bigger. PROF    Really? FRANK    I was watching, and I think it swelled a little. PROF    Could be heat waves.  I suspect something like this would reflect like asphalt.  But let's test it.  The shovel's not good for much any more anyway. SOUND    METAL ON STONE GRATE, SIZZLING FRANK    Don't touch it! PROF    My hand is nowhere near touching it.  I merely want to see... FRANK    Look!  It's getting larger!  I can see it! SOUND    WOOD ON STONE PROF    [impressed] Well!  [clinical] But it generates no appreciable heat.  Odd.  I would assume some sort of acidic chemical reaction, which would almost invariably generate heat.  FRANK    And it grew!  Just a fraction of an inch-- PROF    I was paying attention to other things.  [sigh] SOUND    WOOD LANDS ON STONE, SIZZLING FRANK    D'you see it swelling? PROF    I doubt there was enough left of that handle to do much.  What else--? FRANK    Rocks? PROF    Sound thinking. SOUND    PICK UP SOME ROCKS, DROP THEM, SIZZLE FRANK    Isn't that just about the damnedest thing you ever saw, Professor?  What do you think it is? PROF    It's no stone...  I'm going to phone the college and ask a physics man about it.  Or a biologist. I'd like to get rid of that thing before it spoils my lawn. MUSIC   LEECH C LEECH    food sharp food fall food lie food move moist food dry food grow food air grow bigger grow.... wake! MUSIC   3_BACON AMBIANCE    IN PROF'S HOUSE SOUND    DISTANT POUNDING ON DOOR MRS. JONES    What is it?  SOUND    BUSTLING THROUGH HOUSE SOUND    DOOR YANKED OPEN MRS. JONES    You better have a brilliant explanation for this-- FRANK    Absolutely vital.  Professor Michaels knows‑‑ PROF    I'm coming.  It had better be particularly important to drag me away from Mrs. Jones' bacon. MRS. JONES    [amused annoyance] And Mrs. Jones better leave you boys to your business and see to her bacon before it all burns away. SOUND    BUSTLES OFF FRANK    It's nearly eighteen feet across! PROF    The thing? FRANK    Yup!  PROF    I was trying some acids on it yesterday, and nothing seemed to even ruffle it. FRANK    None of them? PROF    Nope.  I'll finagle a bacon sandwich or two and we'll head out presently. MUSIC   LEECH D LEECH    so small.  how is one so small.  one was large.  one was grand.  Miniscule now.  Hungry.  sooooo hungry.  food is slow. Dull.  Eat... MUSIC   4_SHERIFF AMBIANCE    OUTDOORS, AT THE SITE FRANK    See what I mean? PROF    Seems the larger it gets, the faster it grows.  Not surprising, if what I suspect is happening is true. FRANK    What's that?  PROF    Say it absorbs whatever it touches.  The more surface area, the more it can touch, the more it can absorb. FRANK    That's not good.  It's like some kind of... of leech. PROF    I don't know that I would characterize it so narrowly just yet, Frank-- SOUND    CAR DRIVES UP, STOPS FRANK    Morning Sheriff! SHERIFF    Morning.  What the devil is this? PROF    Don't know.  Just showed up. SHERIFF    Ha. Ha.  We gotta get it out of the road!  Something like this, you can't let it block the road.  The Army's gotta use this road. FRANK    We didn't-- PROF    Shh.  [up, dry] Terribly sorry.  Go right ahead and move it, Sheriff. But be careful. It's hot. FRANK    [quiet] Hot? PROF    [quiet] Close enough. SHERIFF    Should just be able to-- SOUND    OPENS TRUNK SHERIFF    Where is the--? FRANK    [quiet] Shouldn't we warn him? PROF    [quiet] We'll stop him if he goes to touch it.  But if he doesn't see for himself, he'll never buy it. FRANK    Oh. MUSIC   LEECH E SOUND    [UNDER] METAL HITTING STONE, GUNSHOTS SHERIFF    [frustrated noise] LEECH    slow food.  fast!  energy impact.  ahhhhhh.  more.   more hit.  more energy.  give! MUSIC   5_MONKEY'S UNCLE AMBIANCE    OUTDOORS, AT THE SITE SHERIFF    Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle. PROF    [quiet] That would make deputy Jerry, there, "cheetah".   FRANK    [snickers] PROF    Ready to listen yet, sheriff? SOUND    ARMY CONVOY APPROACHING SHERIFF    What?  Hey look!  NOW we'll get some action! PROF    [quiet] That's rather what I'm afraid of. MUSIC   LEECH F SOUND     [UNDER]     CONVOY STOPS, IDLES, DOORS OPEN, ETC. LEECH    more energy.  more food.  need.  senses very dim.  Thoughts very dim.  grow.  waken more.  food. MUSIC   6_ARMY AMBIANCE    OUTDOORS, AT THE SITE O'DONNELL    You can't block this road.  Clear that away. PROF    Sorry.  It's not ours.  And we can't seem to do anything with it. O'DONNELL    What in sam hill is it? FRANK    A leech. SHERIFF    A what? PROF    [annoyed but covering] Simply a name to refer to it by - we have no real idea what it is. O'DONNELL    But you've tried moving it? PROF    Every way we could think of. O'DONNELL    Crowbar? FRANK    Didn't help. O'DONNELL    Blowtorch? PROF    More or less.  No effect. O'DONNELL    Gunshot? SHERIFF    Sad to say... O'DONNELL    [calling orders] Driver?  Ride over that thing. FRANK    But sir! PROF    Shh. SOUND    JEEP STARTS INTO GEAR FRANK    [to prof] We have to stop him! PROF    You thought the sheriff was bad, having to see it first?  This is the military. FRANK    Oh. SOUND    JEEP ROLLS FORWARD SLOWLY, TAKES A BUMP, THEN HALTS, SIZZLING SNEAKS IN, UNDER. O'DONNELL    [bellowing] I didn't tell you to stop! DRIVER    I didn't stop it, sir! O'DONNELL    Get moving! DRIVER    It's stalled out sir! PROF    General?  Pardon me, but if you look closely, you'll see that the tires are melting down. SOUND    POP, HISS OF TIRE FRANK    Yikes! O'DONNELL    Criminee!  [orders] Driver!  Jump clear!  Don't touch any of that grey stuff! MUSIC   LEECH G SOUND     [UNDER] DRIVER CLIMBS ONTO HOOD OF CAR AND JUMPS LEECH    large food.  energy.  much movement.  nice.  hungry.  more large?  Need food.  waking waking... more self, more hungry.  need food MUSIC   7_JEEP AMBIANCE    OUTDOORS, AT THE SITE SOUND    CAR SLOWLY SINKING INTO THE THING, MUCH SIZZLING DRIVER    It's up to the chassis already! O'DONNELL    How fast can it eat? PROF    [quiet] you are keeping track aren't you? FRANK    Sure thing, professor!  It's been about three minutes, give or take a few. PROF    Make a note - Frank needs a stopwatch. FRANK    Oh.  Ok.  Right. SOUND    SCRIBBLING O'DONNELL    You called this thing a leech, professor? PROF    As I said, it is nothing but a name to refer to it by. O'DONNELL    But it is leeching, far as I can tell - eating anything that gets near it. PROF    Which bodes rather ill for the underside. O'DONNELL    Whazzat? PROF    You're only thinking about things that get near it on the top - who knows how far below this thing may have eaten away the dirt, or even the bedrock. FRANK    Dirt and stones do seem to digest a bit slower. O'DONNELL    You've been experimenting with it, eh?  Did you by any chance MAKE this thing with one of your experiments, professor? PROF    [sigh]  First, general, I am not that type of scientist.  I am a professor of anthropology.  I do, however, understand scientific method and felt that if we established some parameters up front, such as rate of growth, speed of dissolution, etc., we might be able to more easily convince some of my hard science colleagues to come and have a look. O'DONNELL    [after a pause] So you say. SOUND    MARCHES OFF FRANK    You did that on purpose, didn't you?  PROF    [over innocent] did what? FRANK    Oh, no - don't play innocent!  I've seen you lecture someone til their eyes glazed over, before this! PROF    [chuckle] DRIVER    [background]  There goes the aerial! SOUND    SIZZLING OUT O'DONNELL    [commands, off] You!  DRIVER    Sir!  Yes sir! O'DONNELL    [commands, off] Go back and have some men bring up hand grenades and dynamite! DRIVER    Yes sir! FRANK    That will get it! PROF    I am not so sure. O'DONNELL    [from off, yelling to prof] I don't know what you've got here, but it's not going to stop a U.S. Army convoy! PROF    I pray he's right. MUSIC   LEECH H SOUND UNDER    EXPLOSIONS - HAND GRENADES AND DYNAMITE LEECH    waking more.  thinking more.  sensing more.  hungry. [boom] food!  yes yes food! [boom]  Ahhhhh eat and grow.  [bullets] mass and movement.  energy.  more.  yes.  please!  [huge explosion]  yesssssss! MUSIC   8_EVACUATE AMBIANCE    OUTDOORS, NEAR PROF'S HOUSE SOUND    WOOD CRACKING THROUGHOUT UNDER MRS. JONES    Well, I never. PROF    Did you get everything moved out all right? MRS. JONES    Well, yes, but I've cooked for you in that very house for nearly ten years now.  Where am I supposed to feel at home?  Where are you? [supposed to feel at home] PROF    [muttered] That may not be a problem for long. SOUND    HUGE CRACK, SHATTER OF GLASS MRS. JONES    There goes the front porch!  Who would have thought such a terrible thing could spread so darn far? PROF    The government surely didn't. MRS. JONES    It looks like one of them - what's the word?  Blasted heath.  Yes.  That's exactly what a blasted heath would look like. PROF    [musing] Or a cooled lava flow.  [snapping out] Either way, it's pretty darn blasted. MRS. JONES    Blasted leech. SOUND    FEET ARRIVING PROF    I do wish people would stop calling it that. SOLDIER    Pardon me, sir?  General O'Donnell would like to see you at the command post. PROF    Right.  I already know the end to this little melodrama.  [to soldier] See to it Mrs. Jones gets back to the city, will you? SOLDIER    Sir, I'm supposed to escort you-- PROF    But I know where I'm going.  She does not. SOLDIER    Yes, sir! MUSIC   LEECH I SOUND    CRUSHING HOUSE UNDER LEECH    slow food.  want fast food.  more awake now.  why no more fast come.  good energy.  big food.  hungry.  more food make more pieces.  more pieces make more hungry.  more hungry wants more food.  MUSIC   9_PERIMETER AMBIANCE    OUTDOORS, AT THE EDGE OF THE LARGER SITE SOUND    CROWD NOISE, FADING IN PROF    What's that over there? SOLDIER2    Perimeter.  Barbed wire.  Half mile out. PROF    I doubt the barbed wire is making all that noise. SOLDIER2    Oh, them.  Reporters.  Rubberneckers. FRANK    [calling from off] Professor! PROF    Assistants. SOLDIER2    You need assistance? PROF    Just my assistant.  Let him in would you? SOLDIER2    I don't have any orders-- PROF    Well, he takes all my notes, so I guess I'll have to stay within earshot.  Which ends about here. SOLDIER2    But the general-- PROF    Will it be easier to move the general, or my assistant, do you think? SOLDIER2    Um... MUSIC   10_HQ AMBIANCE    INSIDE HEADQUARTERS TENT SOUND    TENT FLAP SWOOP, PROF AND FRANK ENTER TENT O'DONNELL    I've been put in charge of operation leech.  Ah, professor... and...? PROF    My assistant.  He is also the one who found this thing in the first place.  Absolutely indispensable. FRANK    Hi. O'DONNELL    Is he trustworthy? PROF    Think of him as my right arm. FRANK    The one he writes with. O'DONNELL    You're a professor, right? PROF    Yes. Anthropology. O'DONNELL    Good.  I'd like you to stay around in an advisory capacity.  I'd appreciate your observations on the... enemy. PROF    I think this is more in the line of a physicist or a biochemist. O'DONNELL    I don't want this place cluttered up with scientists.  FRANK    But he isn't-- O'DONNELL    Don't get me wrong. I have the greatest appreciation for science. I am, if I do say so, a scientific soldier. I'm always interested in the latest weapons. You can't fight any kind of a war any more without science. PROF    Of course not. O'DONNELL    But I can't have a team of longhairs poking around this thing for the next month, holding me up. My job is to destroy it, by any means in my power, and at once. I am going to do just that. PROF    I don't think it will be that easy. O'DONNELL    That's what you're here for.  Tell me what the problem is, and I'll figure out how to solve it. FRANK    [muttered] Usually a scientist's job. PROF    Very well.  As far as I can figure out, this thing-- O'DONNELL    The leech. PROF    It isn’t really-- O'DONNELL    It's the codename. FRANK    [muttered] I'm the one who called it that in the first place. PROF    The "leech" appears to be an organic mass-energy converter, and a frighteningly efficient one.  I'm guessing here, and keep in mind that this is really not my-- O'DONNELL    Get on with it. PROF    It appears to convert external mass into energy, then back into its own internal mass.  Energy is directly converted into the body mass.  How this takes place, I do not know.  The leech is not protoplasmic.  It may not even be cellular-- O'DONNELL    So we need something big against it.  That's all right, then.  I've got plenty of big stuff here. FRANK    Oh boy! PROF    I don't think you understand me.  Let me rephrase.  [intense] The leech eats energy!  It will consume any energy weapon you use against it. O'DONNELL    [considering]  And what happens if it keeps on eating? PROF    I think it will only be limited by its food source. O'DONNELL    So when it runs out, we'll all be safe? PROF    When it runs out, we'll all be gone. MUSIC   LEECH J LEECH    senses growing.  Feel moving food.  Sitting food.  Food near.  Food far.  Waiting for food to come near.  Hungrrrrry. MUSIC   11_NEED HELP AMBIANCE    INSIDE HEADQUARTERS TENT PROF    I insist you contact some physicists.  Biologists and chemists too.  Give them a chance to figure out how to nullify it.  I can give you some names. O'DONNELL    I don't have time to wait while a passel of scientists wrangle!  I have this axiom - Muster enough force, and anything will give.  Anything. FRANK    [muttered] Military thinking. O'DONNELL    [pleased] Thanks. PROF    [sigh] But I am not that kind of-- O'DONNELL    Don't sell yourself short, Prof!  And don't underestimate the army.  We have, massed under North Hill - right over there - the greatest accumulation of energy and radioactive weapons ever assembled in one spot.  I bet even this leech won't withstand the full force of all that. FRANK    [worried] Professor? PROF    [doubtful] I suppose it could be possible to overload the thing.  O'DONNELL    [smug] I'll go and give some orders.  We're gonna crack that leech in half! SOUND    HE LEAVES FRANK    Did he listen to a single thing you said? PROF    [sigh] He is the military. FRANK    Then why are you - we - even here? PROF    I fear the general wants to be able to say he consulted a scientist.  I'm convenient since I can’t possibly have a relevant opinion. MUSIC   LEECH K SOUND    [UNDER] RAY GUNS, EXPLOSIONS, ETC. LEECH    Fooooood!  Rich food!  Needing more!  Ray food, energy food, liquid food!  Needing more!  More food makes more hungry!!!!  Sensing.  Sensing for food.  Ahhhh.  THERE. MUSIC   12_STOCKPILE AMBIANCE    INSIDE HEADQUARTERS TENT O'DONNELL    [incredulous and furious] It did what?  SOUND    NANA OF VOICE ON WALKIE-TALKIE. FRANK    It flew! PROF    It might be better described as a type of hovering. O'DONNELL    Shh!  Over and out. SOUND    WALKIE SQUAWK - OFF PROF    [resigned] Where did it go? O'DONNELL    The damned fools!  Why'd they have to panic?  You'd think they'd never been trained! FRANK    They couldn't exactly expect that! PROF    [urgent] Where? O'DONNELL    North Hill.  [angry sigh]  Our armory. FRANK    But that's a whole mile away! PROF    At least.  O'DONNELL    Sixty-seven men died!  And the leech just - just jumped there! PROF    I still say it hovered.  It definitely moved with some sort of self-propulsion. FRANK    I'll write that down. PROF    The way it looked, it floated across the sky, blacking out the sun, and then, when it reached its goal, it simply dropped. O'DONNELL    [snarling] How can you be so clinical about this? FRANK    I - I- PROF    It's OUR job to take notes for the scientists you will eventually have to call in. MUSIC   LEECH L LEECH    So good!  So nice!  Rich food.  Much energy.  Growwww.  Yessss.  Ahhhh.  More cells.  Now, more hungry. MUSIC   13_EXPERTS AMBIANCE    INSIDE HEADQUARTERS TENT SOUND    PACING O'DONNELL    Haven’t those eggheads made up their minds yet? We've had to evacuate six nearby farms. FRANK    It's not like choosing a tie. O'DONNELL    But they're the experts! PROF    No one's an expert on this.  It's never happened before.  The physicists consider it a biological matter, and the biologists seem to think the chemists should have the answer.  We can't even agree on whose problem it is! O'DONNELL    It's the military's problem!  I don't give a hang what the thing is!  I just want to know how to destroy it!  [offhand] They better give me permission to use the bomb. SOUND    STRIDES OFF FRANK    Will that work? PROF    Well, I have a theory. FRANK    Yes? PROF    Which I hope will remain a theory. FRANK    How can I make notes if you don't tell me? PROF    The Bomb might overload it.  MIGHT destroy it.  Or give it what it needs to grow big enough to devour the entire continent.  Sooner.  SOUND    FEET STRIDE BACK O'DONNELL    Still talking!  Gah!  I've been pushing for the Bomb for a week now!  And I'll get it, but not til they run out of doubletalk! FRANK    Could be a while. O'DONNELL    [intense] I am going to destroy that leech.  I am going to SMASH it, if it's the last thing I do!  It’s gone beyond national security now.  THIS is personal. SOUND    STRIDES OFF PROF    I knew you shouldn't have named it. FRANK    Why? PROF    Once you name something, you get to thinking you KNOW it.  And no matter how much you think you won't, you start applying traits to it.  Anthropomorphizing it.  Attaching motives and feelings to it. FRANK    Who says it doesn’t feel? PROF    It does. O'DONNELL    [from off] Here come the bright boys now! MUSIC   LEECH M LEECH    So big.  Big now.  Big makes hungry.  So much to fill.  So much to feed.  Need more.  More good rich food. MUSIC   14_SCIENTISTS AMBIANCE    INSIDE HEADQUARTERS TENT O'DONNELL    Well, have you figured out what it is yet? ALLENSON    [weary sarcasm] Just a minute - I'll hack off a sample.  Hah. O'DONNELL    [exasperated] Have you figured out some scientific way of killing it? MORIARTY    [dry, offhand] Oh, that wasn't difficult at all.  FRANK    Really? MORIARTY    Wrap it in a perfect vacuum.  That'll do the trick.  Or blow it off the earth with anti-gravity. FRANK    Can they really? PROF    Don't be silly. ALLENSON    Failing that, we suggest you use your atomic bombs and use them fast. O'DONNELL    Yes!  [vainly trying to curb his enthusiasm]  Is that the opinion of the entire think tank? MORIARTY    [sigh]  Yes. SOUND    GENERAL HURRIES OFF ALLENSON    He should have called us in immediately!  There's no time to consider anything but force now. PROF    Have you come to any conclusions about the nature of this thing? MORIARTY    Only general ones.  Very much in line with your notes and conclusions.  ALLENSON    As you mentioned, it's a perfect converter--it can transform mass into energy, and any energy into mass. MORIARTY     Naturally that's impossible and I have figures to prove it.  We're positing that this thing was in some dormant spore-stage until it was pulled in by the earth's gravity. ALLENSON    Incidentally, we should be damned grateful that it didn’t land in the ocean.  We'd have been eaten out of house and home-- FRANK    Literally. ALLENSON    --before we even knew what we were looking for. PROF    [musing] I wonder how long it will take him to get permission to use the bomb. MUSIC   LEECH N LEECH    slow grow.  Hungry.  No grow.  Dull food not enough.  Want more.  Want grow.  Want be big again. MUSIC   15_BOMBS AMBIANCE    INSIDE HEADQUARTERS TENT O'DONNELL    Brigadier-General, with all due respect sir, how many MORE scientists can there be?  We've been waiting for-- BRIG-GENERAL    [on phone] Washington had to explore every alternative before detonating an atomic bomb in the middle of New York! O'DONNELL    So now I can use the bomb? BRIG-GENERAL    We need some time to evacuate people in an orderly fashion. O'DONNELL    Sir!  This leech is still growing!  We have to stop it before it gets out of hand! FRANK    Bit late for that. PROF    Shh.  He's doing the best he can. BRIG-GENERAL    We've signed you out five bombs.  Use them well.  But not until the order comes through. MUSIC   LEECH O LEECH    slowing.  Drowsing.  Waiting.  Cells starving.  Too much need food.  Tired... SOUND    EXPLOSION LEECH    YESSSS!  Foooooood!  Much!  Too much!  Holding!  Choking!  No!  straining....  straining!  More cells.  Need more cells!  Building!  Feeeeeeeeding!  Choking?  [beat] No.  SOUND    BOMB LEECH    Enough cells now.  Rich food.  More.  Grow.  Build.  JOY. MUSIC   16_SIXTY MILES AMBIANCE    INSIDE NEW HEADQUARTERS TENT O'DONNELL    Sixty miles across. PROF    There was no way to know. O'DONNELL    This was supposed to KILL it. FRANK    At least there was no fallout. PROF    I'm sure it ate THAT too. O'DONNELL    I have to KILL IT!  Do you hear me!  The blasted thing has spread all the way to the Adirondacks! FRANK    What's next?  More bombs? PROF    I don't think it's advisable.  If we throw enough at it to crack it, we might crack open the earth's crust. O'DONNELL    The leech has to be blown up quick.  What are the bright boys hedging for? PROF    They don't know what will happen.  The concentration of bombs it would require-- O'DONNELL    Perhaps they'd like me to order a bayonet attack. FRANK    They've got to do something. PROF    It's frustrating.  I keep feeling like I should be doing more, but this simply isn't my area of expertise!  That thing thrives on force - and the scientists don't have time to consider any alternatives. FRANK    Fight fire with fire. PROF    But it's not fire.  Fire is fickle.  Fire is Loki.  Fire is a trickster.  This thing is...  is... O'DONNELL    Where the heck are the scientists? SOUND    TENT FLAP ALLENSON    [coming in] We've finished the calculations. O'DONNELL    Good.  I'll call in the strike. MORIARTY    There's a damned good chance of splitting the earth wide open with that much power! O'DONNELL    You have to take chances in war.  FRANK    He doesn't even care! PROF    He cares.  He just doesn't care about that.  Hercules himself couldn't turn the general from his course. ALLENSON    Hear us out! O'DONNELL    Your own calculations show that the leech is now growing at twenty feet per hour.  So how much time is that before it reaches this post? FRANK    He's got a point. PROF    [musing]  Hercules....  Something... ALLENSON    And speeding up.  But this can't be done in haste-- PROF    Aha!  O'DONNELL    What? PROF    I may have a counter-offer. O'DONNELL    Does it involve me blowing up the leech? PROF    It's a very dim chance, but...  [trails off] O'DONNELL    Yes? PROF    have you ever heard of Antaeus? MUSIC   LEECH P LEECH    more large.  more thought.  More memory.  Large rock and dirt and stone food.  Devoured.  Joy.  Huge mass of combustibles - light and heat and energy!  Food.  True joy!  SOUND    MEMORY SOUNDS LEECH    then all devoured.  Dark.  Cold.  Empty.  Cells Shrinking, dying, self-devouring self.  Moving.  Seeking.  Food. MUSIC   17_DRONE SHIP AMB    OUTSIDE SOUND    SMALL PLANE PASSES OVERHEAD FRANK    So that's what a drone looks like. PROF    Pretty much like any other rocket ship.  The pilot just happens to be over there in the tent. O'DONNELL    I hope you're right about this, professor. MORIARTY    The calculations all validate the hypothesis.  If what you said about the creature's motivational capability is accurate-- FRANK    There it goes! O'DONNELL    Straight up!  Son of a biscuit! PROF    It's - it's - enormous! MUSIC   LEECH Q SOUND    FIGHTER PLANE BUZZES PAST LEECH    Food!  Rich food!  Above!  Out of reach!  Why not fall?  Come to me?  Food!  ... seek. SOUND    BUZZ OF FIGHTER PLANE MOVING AWAY LEECH    heat!  Small food.  Cold!  Nothing.  Ah, little flying food, come to - oh.  Oh, yes.  Far.  There.  Huge bright glowing mass of combustibles.  Food. MUSIC   18_ANTAEUS AMBIANCE    OUTDOORS FRANK    Wow.  Now, that's a crater. PROF    You can look at it later.  I keep worrying that I've missed something. FRANK    But the leech is gone, professor!  Right up and out of the atmosphere. PROF    There's no way to be sure it won't come back. FRANK    Everybody's going to be watching for the leech. PROF    Please don't call it that. FRANK    What then?  Antaeus?  Who's that anyway? PROF    Greek Mythology.  Son of Gaea and Poseidon - the earth goddess and sea god.  He was an invincible wrestler, drawing his strength from the earth itself. FRANK    His mom.  Apron strings, even in mythology. PROF    [chuckles]  Well, Hercules had to wrestle him, and every time Hercules threw him to the ground, he rose refreshed.  FRANK    Didn't Hercules know about the earth? PROF    He figured it out.  After that, he just held Antaeus up in the air until he gave up. O'DONNELL    [off slightly] Come on, join me in some champagne.  Even you brainy folks can use a little celebration! MORIARTY    [happily] Maybe just a sip! ALLENSON    I don't mind if I do. FRANK    Be there in a minute!  [to prof] So the fighter rocketship they sent up will just keep leading it around in space til it gets tired and drops dead? O'DONNELL    Better.  It's going to take it right into the sun.  Big or not, the damn thing can't eat THAT. PROF    Lord, I hope not.  O'DONNELL    [to pilot] How's the ship, pilot? PILOT    Just reached the orbit of Mercury, sir. O'DONNELL    Fine!  Fine.  I swore to destroy that thing.  Not the way I wanted to do it - too far out to see it go up with my own eyes - If I had a choice, it would be more personal.  But the important thing is the destruction.  Destruction is at times a sacred mission.  Man, I feel wonderful! MORIARTY    [panicky]  Turn the rocket!!!!  TURN IT! O'DONNELL    What the devil? MORIARTY    Considering rate of growth, energy consumption capacity, and speed versus projected energy retention, figuring in the energy it will receive from the sun as it approaches-- O'DONNELL    Speak English! MORIARTY    [dire warning] It’s gonna devour the sun. MUSIC   LEECH R LEECH    closer!  Closer!  More heat!  More light!  All!  Must have all!  Small rich food moving away.  Choice.  Nearby small food?  Far big food?  Hungry NOW.  Close first.  Catch quick, feed enough to move to big food.   Yes! MUSIC   19_TURN AWAY AMBIANCE    INSIDE HEADQUARTERS TENT PILOT    It's turning, sir! ALL    [general sounds of relief] ALLENSON    Take it out at right angles to the plane of the solar system. SOUND    RADAR [start much earlier] FRANK    So the blob is the leech and the dot is the ship? PROF    Yes.  O'DONNELL    What portion of the sky would the leech be in just now? MORIARTY    Somewhere out in that section - just over that tree. O'DONNELL    Fine.  [calling order back over shoulder]  Soldier!  Carry out your orders! ALL    [surprised concern - "what?" "huh"  "what are you up to?" etc.] FRANK    [calling] The dot is slowing down!  The blob is catching up! PROF    What are you up to, general? O'DONNELL    [grim satisfaction] I told you this was a personal matter.  I swore to destroy that leech.  We can never have any security while it is alive.  [chuckles triumphantly] I had that ship especially built. PROF    To do... what... precisely? O'DONNELL    Shall we look at the sky? SOUND    FEET, TENT FLAP, ETC. as they leave. O'DONNELL    Soldier? PILOT    Three seconds, sir! O'DONNELL    Push the button. PILOT    Yes, sir! FRANK     is something supposed to--  Whoah! MORIARTY    Not a good idea to look directly at the explosion! PROF    What... did... you... do? O'DONNELL    [smug]  That rocket was built around a hydrogen bomb.  I set it off at the contact moment. FRANK    How come there's no sound?  Thought there'd be a loud bang or something.  Is it like thunder? ALLENSON    Sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum. PROF    [explaining] We're anthropologists.  O'DONNELL    [calling to pilot] Anything on the radar? PILOT    [from within] Nope!  Not a speck, sir. O'DONNELL    Men - and scientists - I have met the enemy and he is MINE.  Let's have some more of that champagne. PROF    I wish I was that sure. MUSIC   LEECH S LEECH    Catching food.  Slowing.  Tiring.  Catch.  Massive surge!  Too much!  Holding!  Holding!  Absorbing!  Building!  No!  No!  overload!  Too much!  Breaking!  Come apart!  Losing thought!  Losing cohesion!  Breaking.  Broken.  Shattered. SOUND    [long moment of silence, then in squeaky little voices:] LEECHETTE1    Hungry LEECHETTE2    Hungry LEECHETTE3    Hungry LEECHETTE4    cold.  hungry LEECHETTE5    Hungry [more and more leechettes until they populate the entire soundscape] LEECH    [MANY VOICES] hungry.  Empty.  hungry.  Empty. hungry.  hungry.  Empty [repeats under] MUSIC END CREDITS

How do you uncure the cold?

Adapted by Julie Hoverson, from a story by Tom Curry, as published in Astounding Stories in 1930 A new acquisition by the museum contains a dark dark secret! Cast List Betty Young  - Julia Carson Professor Walter Marble - Don Parris Professor Young - Charles Austin Miller Andrew Leffler - Mark Olson Rooney - Reynaud LeBeouf Smythe - Chuck Burke Doctor - Mitchell Carson Fred - Marshal Latham Guard - Reynaud LeBeouf Music by Wynn Erickson Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Charles Austin Miller Many thanks to Project Gutenberg and Librivox for curating these classic stories. "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a special annex at the museum of natural history in 1930, can't you tell?" ************************************************ From an Amber Block [From the story by Tom Curry, published in Astounding Stories, July, 1930] Cast: Professor Walter Marble, young scientist, 30 Professor Young, old museum curator, 55 Betty Young, daughter with a clipboard, 20 Andrew Leffler, millionaire dilettante, 48 Rooney, guard, 57 Smythe, janitor, 40 Doctor, 45 Fred, workman, 25 OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a special annex at the museum of natural history in 1930, can't you tell?  MUSIC Scene 1.    SOUND     ECHOING FOOTSTEPS SOUND    WOOD CRATES BEING DISMANTLED AND REMOVED PROF    These should prove especially valuable and interesting without a doubt, Marble, old man. MARBLE    Have they all been brought in and set up, professor? PROF    Check the manifest.  Betty dear, do you have that?  Should be on the clipboard. BETTY    Let's see.  Ah, yes - check, check - all checked off, present and accounted for.  seventeen huge lumps of prehistoric amber. PROF    I've told you time and time again not to bandy such unspecific terms.  Until we have them precisely dated, they are assumed to be common cretaceous amber. BETTY    Yes, father [correcting self] Professor.  But there's nothing common about the size of these pieces!  These are quite outside ...the standard deviation. SOUND    SHE WALKS ON A BIT BETTY    When you see bits of amber worked into jewelry, especially the ones with insects preserved in them, you just can't even picture something on this scale! MARBLE    It was tricky getting them out of the ground, too.  The workmen seemed afraid - didn't want to handle them for some silly reason. BETTY    Is that ...coal in the biggest one?  That dark center? MARBLE    I am inclined to believe it will prove to be some sort of black liquid, possibly a pocket of colophony. BETTY    Which is? MARBLE     [somewhat dismissive] An oil derived from amber.  [change of tone]  Professor Young? PROF    Yes? MARBLE    Even with the dark central void, I think that big one will turn out to be the largest single piece of amber ever mined.  PROF    It appears to be several tons.  It will take some maneuvering to get a proper weight on it.  Betty?  BETTY    Yes, Professor? PROF    Take this down.  Stone 1 - we'll call this large one "stone one"-- BETTY    Noted. PROF    Make up a card when you get a chance.  [back to describing] The amber is clear and pure in appearance, probably mixed with lignite. Yellow brown in color, irregular in shape. I think it is merely the thickness of the amber, and not any imperfections in its refractive structure, that make the central dark spot nothing more than a shadow. BETTY    It's like a small mountain! PROF    Nonsense.  Get some specific measurements.  Height; width through, say, four axes, at three equidistant levels.  BETTY    [resigned] Yes, professor. PROF    If you need help, Walter here is a dab hand with triangulation.  You'll help, won't you, Marble? MARBLE    Certainly.  Whatever you need.  Miss Betty, I think we had better begin by drawing a rough sketch of the block. Scene 2.    SOUND    DOOR OPENS, ACROSS THE ROOM, CONFIDENT STRIDES ENTER LEFFLER    [full of confidence] Well, well, well...what do you think of them? PROFESSOR    Ignore him. BETTY    Father!  You have to play nice.  He funds the research and gets to play philanthropic scientist. PROFESSOR    You mean pseudo-scientific philanthropist.  Yes, yes of course.  [up]  Mr. Leffler!  All present and accounted for! LEFFLER    [coming on] Everybody is talking about the big one!  Orling is coming to see, along with plenty of others.  Marble!  Did you happen to catch any stories the workmen down there were telling?  I'm thinking I'll publish something on the expedition, and that would be a great little chapter. MARBLE    I don't think it was actual stories.  Just general uneasiness and rumors of bad luck.  Something about a creature swimming in a lake of ink, but the translator says the local dialect was pretty difficult. LEFFLER    Well, monster or not, let's hope there’s something good in there, something that will make all our effort worthwhile.  [walking away] Maybe I can come up with a few tales, just spice, you know... MARBLE    Superstition is curious, isn't it?  [chuckles] How can anyone think that a fossil of a creature, penned in such a cell for thousands and thousands of years, could do any harm? PROF    Superstition, by definition, is unreasonable. These amber blocks were mined in the Manchurian lignite deposits by Chinese coolies under Japanese masters. They believe anything over there. I remember working once with a crew of them that thought— BETTY    [off] [scream!] PROF    What is it, Betty dear? BETTY    It - it - it--! MARBLE    Her face is completely white! PROF    You’d better sit down. SOUND    SCUFFLE PROF    What is it that has put you into such a state? BETTY    I—I thought I saw something looking out, eyes that stared at me—-!  [laughs, but forced]  I suppose it was just Mr. Leffler's talk of monsters.  There's certainly nothing there now. PROF    Perhaps the Manchurian devil just likes beautiful young ladies, eh, Marble?  [chuckles] [walking off] Well, be careful, dear. If it takes a notion to jump out at you, call for me and I'll return presently and exorcise it. BETTY    [chuckles, but half hearted] I suppose you think I'm being hysterical, too, Mr. Marble? MARBLE    [musing] No-o-o. PROF    [coming back in]  Come along Betty, we must go home.  There's a long, interesting day ahead of us to-morrow, [going off again] and I want some time to read Orling's new work on matrices before we begin chipping at block number one. MARBLE    [confidential] I... I saw something, too.  Could it have been just some refraction of the light? BETTY    [gasp]  I—I don't know.  I thought I saw two terrible eyes glaring at me from the inky heart.  But when father laughed at me, I was ashamed and thought it was just my fancy. MARBLE    The center is liquid, I'm sure of it.  [beat] Well, we'll find out soon enough, once we get started. PROF    [off, commanding] Come along, Betty! BETTY    Be careful. SOUND    SHE WALKS OFF Scene 3.    MUSIC PROF    Betty?  Have you got the specimens we've laid out on tray 15 itemized yet? BETTY    Yessir!  8 ants, 14 mosquitoes, 32 unidentified insect portions and 3 bees. PROF    Very good.  We'll make a scientist out of you, yet.  [chuckles heartily] BETTY    I'm sure I've got plenty to do as it is.  You are being careful, aren’t you? PROF    That's the dozenth or so time you've inquired.  What is it you expect to happen?  BETTY    I... I don't know. PROF    [condescending] The stones are carefully anchored so they won't fall over, and carefully protected by their canvas covers when we're not working on them.  BETTY    I know.  But do be careful. PROF    You think the fabled Manchurian beast is going to break out of that stone like a - like a chick out of an egg - and run amok?  BETTY    You said you plan to work your way into position to tap that dark central core.   PROF    Between our heaters and our chisels, we'll be through into the central mass sometime tomorrow.  It's getting much softer, now the outside shell is pierced.  Amber used to be called – still is in some cultures – the stone that burns. BETTY    [german name, but quiet]  Bernstein. PROF    Since not only does it become malleable when heated, it can actually return to its original resinous state – a state in which it is, once again, flammable! MARBLE    But, for our purposes, it is soft and permeable – much easier to dig through than say granite or basalt.  Pretty soon we'll find out whether we are right about it being liquid. We have to wait, and make some preparations for catching it, just in case. BETTY    [nervous]  Catching - what? MARBLE     The liquid, of course.  Some sort of large drainage pan should suffice. SOUND    DISTANT BELL PROF    And that is time.  SOUND    PEOPLE PUTTING THINGS AWAY, THE ROOM  QUIETING DOWN BETTY    Mr. Leffler wants to be here when the final breach is made.  Should I call him and issue a formal invite? PROF    Oh, don't bother me with him tonight.  [walks off] We can summon him quickly enough when we're nearly there - otherwise, he'll spend all day hovering about and getting in the way. MARBLE    Here's your coat, miss Young. BETTY    Thanks.  [sigh] I think it must have been my imagination.  I certainly didn’t see anything odd today. MARBLE    Nor did I, but I kept thinking I heard dull scrapings from inside the block. My brain tells me I'm an imaginative fool, that nothing could be alive inside something that old - but just the same, I keep thinking about those eyes we thought we saw. [shaking it off] Just shows how far the imagination will take one. PROF    [calling from off] It's getting dark, Betty!  Better not stay here in the shadows or the devil will get you. I wonder if it will be Chinese or up-to-date American! BETTY    [laugh, slightly annoyed]  Funny how such smart men can sometimes be so dense. MARBLE    Oh? BETTY    Nothing.  Good night! SOUND    SHE WALKS Scene 4.    SOUND    DOOR OPENS ROONEY    Here you go, miss Young. BETTY    Night, Rooney! ROONEY    Stayin' late this evening, are you? BETTY    [going off] No, we're calling it a night, Rooney. SOUND    HER FEET GO OFF ROONEY    Good night, Miss Young. Sleep happy. BETTY    [from off] Thanks, Rooney! ROONEY    [whistles something irish] SOUND    BETTY'S FEET COME BACK ROONEY    Is there a problem, ma'am? BETTY    You'll be extra careful tonight, won't you? ROONEY    Well, miss, I'm always careful. Nobody can get in to harm anything while old Rooney's about. BETTY    [reluctant but urgent] I don't mean that. I want you to be careful yourself, when you're anywhere near this room to-night. ROONEY    [indulgent] Why, miss, what is there to be wary of? Nothing but some funny looking stones, far as I can see. BETTY    Of course. Scene 5.    MUSIC BETTY    [sleeping fitfully] oh… looking ...at... me! SOUND    TELEPHONE RINGS BETTY    [comes awake with a gasp] SOUND    GETS UP, OPENS DOOR PROF    [off] Hello? Yes, speaking. [annoyed] Good morning, Smythe. BETTY    Smythe?  At the Museum? PROF    Shh-shh!  [gasp]  My God! I—I can't believe it!  Is he dead? BETTY    Dead?  Who? PROF    I'll be right down, yes. SOUND    HANGS UP THE PHONE PROF    Dear, there's been a tragedy at the museum during the night. One of the guards has been killed. BETTY    Oh no!  Not Rooney! PROF    I don’t know them by name.  Possibly by burglars.  And Smythe, who found him, wants me to come down and see if anything has been stolen. I must go at once. The body is in our laboratory.  Where did I leave my overcoat...? BETTY    [sniffled a bit]  Give me a minute to get dressed. PROF    No, no. No need. BETTY    [firm]  I'm going with you. PROF    You can come along later, once we have things ...tidied up a bit.  BETTY    I'll be all right. I promise you I will.  And you know I'm the only one who can keep your notes straight. MUSIC Scene 6.    AMB    MUSEUM SMYTHE     I've sent for an ambulance, Professor. PROF    Of course, Smythe.  Let me see the extent of the damage. SOUND    DOOR OPENS SMYTHE    Yes, of course.  The body is around on the left ...here?  Sir? PROF     I must check on the stones first.  See that nothing has been damaged. BETTY    [grumpy mutter] Of course.  Rooney's not going anywhere. PROF    Aha.  Nothing seems missing. BETTY    Father, they’re too large for someone to just run off with. PROF    Why don't you go and check the trays in the lock room.  Make sure nothing portable has walked away. BETTY    Very well. PROF    Smythe?  The body? SMYTHE    Here. PROF    [musing]  No pulse.  Cold.  He's been dead some time. BETTY    [coming on] The lock on the room hasn’t been tampered with, and – [gasp] PROF    There's nothing we can do for him, now.  It looks as though the poor fellow was set upon and stabbed a number of times by an assailant or assailants, whoever they were. BETTY    Poor Rooney!  He was so jolly and red-faced, but now - his skin is like chalk! PROF    Rather shrunken, too. Almost as if there's no blood left in his veins. BETTY    And that look on his face!  He must have been terrified of whoever killed him. MARBLE    There must have been several assassins; They beat him up frightfully.  It would take more than one man to do such damage. BETTY    [quietly] Poor man.  Who will tell his grandchildren? MARBLE    [quiet, sympathy] Yes. [up] His ribs are crushed in—see, this gash, Professor, that would be enough to cause death without any of the other wounds. BETTY    [to herself, horrible fascination] What are they looking at?  A horrible... blistered area under his arm?  And a gash – oh, that must be what killed him! PROF    Bloodless!  As I said!  It is as if the blood had been pumped out of the body! MARBLE    And yet not much blood on the ground.  I only see a couple of splotches, and those look like they’re from more superficial cuts. PROF    Maybe he was dragged here from another room.  Perhaps the thieves were here to steal something in another part of the museum.  Seems to me that men desperate enough to commit such a murder would not leave without trying to get what they came after. MARBLE    Unless, of course, the killing of the guard frightened them away before they could get to their booty. SOUND    FEET APPROACH SMYTHE    I brought that doctor you asked for, Professor Young. MARBLE    Any idea when this happened, Smythe? SMYTHE    Well, he punched the clock in here at two A.M. - I seen that. MARBLE    And he never made it to his next punch? SMYTHE    Nope.  [heavy sigh] And it's the last time he'll ever do his duty, poor feller. DOCTOR    Curious odor.  [sniffs] It smells like musk, but is fetid. I suppose it's some chemical you use in your lab here? PROF    I noticed that, too.  Nothing I recognize.  Marble?  Where did he get to?  Marble? MARBLE    [off] There are wavy black lines on the tiles, leading around back of the block! PROF    You will have to be more specific.  Wavy lines indeed! MARBLE    [moving further off] come and look, then!  They go around the back, and – good god! BETTY    What?  SOUND    PEOPLE DASH TO LOOK BETTY    That - that dark “hollow” in the stone – it’s completely open! PROF    Marble, get me samples of that liquid before it all evaporates, would you?  Didn’t anyone think to check behind the block here?  BETTY    Everyone was pretty distracted by Rooney. PROF    [dismissive] The corpse?  I suppose, but he’s certainly in no further danger. BETTY    [quiet but intense] You’re more interested in your black liquid then a man who lost his life. MARBLE    [off]  It’s not liquid at all!  At least not any more.  It’s nearly all dried, Professor Young. [musing] Dried into those strange wavy runnels and patterns... BETTY    It looks like black lacquer.  And that smell.  I see what the doctor meant! PROF    Our chipping and hammering and the heat of the radiator causing it to expand must have forced out the sepia, or whatever it is.  [disappointed sigh] I had hoped that inside the liquid we would discover a fossil of value. MARBLE    Yes... MUSIC Scene 7.    AMB    CROWD TALKING, OFF MARBLE    Look here Betty, I guess it’s just you and me that might have seen this… thing. BETTY    That hole in the amber – it’s awful big!  Who knows WHAT might have been inside? MARBLE    [dubious] Could have been nothing at all… BETTY    Did that black stain look like it could have been enough to fill the entire cavity?  I’m quite sure it was full. MARBLE    I’ll poke around a bit. BETTY    Be careful! MARBLE    I will.  Say, from here, does the giant block look like it’s been moved? BETTY    Hold on – I have some sketches. SOUND    FLIPPING PAPERS ON HER CLIPBOARD BETTY    Gosh!  You’re right!  It’s shifted just a bit!  But it – it’s huge!  Tons, Father said.  [rationalizing]  Oh! It must have been the explosion- or expulsion – of all that liquid.  That might very well have shifted it, mightn’t it? MARBLE    [dubious] Maybe. BETTY    You’re worried about those marks in the black gunk, aren’t you?  MARBLE    They look like claw marks, not mere natural striations.   BETTY    Professor Marble?  Please don't look any longer. Let’s leave this terrible place - for the day, anyway - until we see what happens in the next twenty-four hours. MARBLE    I must make a search.  My brain calls me a fool, but just the same, I'm worried. BETTY    Do you really think ...? MARBLE    I fear so. MUSIC Scene 8.    BETTY    Is there any further word on the murder? MARBLE    Your father has dismissed it as a botched theft attempt. BETTY    I – I can’t believe it.  And what about the blood? MARBLE    The blood? BETTY    Father may be able to disregard it, but he’s the one who pointed out that all of poor Rooney’s blood was… missing.  Were there any other signs of struggle?  Anywhere?  Or even some sign of a break-in? MARBLE    No.  [dubious] But it might be the work of a slick professional cracksman. BETTY    And how many of those would rather randomly kill a man than hide until the guard has gone on along his rounds, tell me that? MARBLE    [chuckle] I didn’t say that was MY opinion. BETTY    I'm going to try to take father home, right after lunch, if he'll go. He's so stubborn.  If you must stay, would you – please – carry a gun? MARBLE    Very well.  Not that I think it would be of much use, if I did find—-[cuts himself off] SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN, IMPERIOUS FEET ENTER LEFFLER    [from across the room]  What's this I hear?  A watchman killed in the night? Carelessness, man, carelessness! MARBLE    [quiet] Betty, see if your father needs anything. BETTY    Good idea. LEFFLER    The authorities here are absurd! They hold priceless treasures and yet they allow thieves to enter and wreak their will. [arrived] You, Marble! What's all this mean? MARBLE    We do the best we can, Mr. Leffler.   It is unlikely that anyone would wish to, let alone be ABLE to, steal such a thing as that block of amber. LEFFLER    And why not?  It cost ME thousands of dollars! MARBLE    It took the use of several large machines and a good deal of manpower to bring it INTO this room.  Any attempt to similarly leave – well, it would hardly pass unnoticed. LEFFLER    Hogwash!  I understand it’s been broken into!  There’s pieces of my beautiful stone gone missing, mark my words! SOUND    BELL BETTY    It’s time for lunch, Professor Marble. MARBLE    You’ll excuse us?  Good. SOUND    THEY WALK AWAY, LEAVING LEFFLER    [fading as they leave] OF all the things!  I have contributed considerable sums to this museum, and to see my money treated as if it were no more valuable than the general run of arrowheads and pot shards! MARBLE    Phew.  Thanks for coming to my rescue. BETTY    He’ll still be at it when we get back. MARBLE    yes, but I will have had some coffee! SOUND    DOOR SHUTS, CUTTING OFF LEFFLER MARBLE    Poor Rooney.  It’s been preying on me.  Betty, I feel more or less responsible, in a way. BETTY    No, no! How could you have foreseen such a thing? MARBLE    Those eyes. I shouldn’t have discounted what we saw.  I should have taken precautions. But I had no idea it could burst from its prison. BETTY    You will get a revolver before you search further?  [firm] I'm going to, too. Smythe has one, and I know he'll lend it to me. MARBLE    I believe Leffler has seen something, too. That's why he keeps talking about it being our fault. His talk about the devil inside the block was half in earnest. BETTY    He never seemed to take it any more seriously than – than father does! MARBLE    Perhaps he put it down to imagination, or even did not think this fossil could be dangerous. BETTY    I think Rooney could show them the error of their assumptions. MUSIC Scene 9.    SOUND    OUTSIDE BETTY    There’s some kind of commotion at the museum entrance! MARBLE    Figures.  We leave the building for just long enough to eat, and something happens! SOUND    CROWD MURMURS GUARD    Stay back, folks.  The museum is closed. MARBLE    Let us through! GUARD    The museum is closed to the public, sir! MARBLE    I’m not the public!  I insist you tell me what’s going on! GUARD    Come inside, then both of you.  SOUND    DOOR SHUTS, CLOSING OUT CROWD GUARD    Somethin's happened up in the paleontological laboratories.  Dunno just what, but orders come down to clear the rooms and not let anybody in but members of the staff, sir. MARBLE    Blast!  SOUND    QUICK WALKING BETTY    Walter!  Please wait!  Get yourself a gun. MARBLE    All right. You! GUARD    Me? MARBLE    [to guard] Give me your gun.  [to her] Betty, you need to stay here, where it’s safe. BETTY    I'm going with you. MARBLE    As a senior staff member to a junior one, I order you to remain downstairs. BETTY    Hmph.  Very well. SOUND    HIS FOOTSTEPS GO ONE WAY, THEN HER FOOTSTEPS GO OFF IN ANOTHER DIRECTION Scene 10.    MUSIC SOUND    CHECKING AMMO IN A GUN SOUND    BETTY STRIDING PURPOSEFULLY BETTY    [talking to herself]  Good.  I knew Smythe would come through for me.  Marble may be a bright fellow, but anyone could see another gun will come in handy— SOUND    RUNNING FEET COMING FRED    [panic heavy breathing] BETTY    What is it?  Fred!  Look at me!  Tell me what’s going on! FRED    [gasping and babbling] There was a black fog—I saw a red snake with legs— BETTY    A what? Oh no! You get on out of here! FRED    B-but where are you going? BETTY    To make sure the professors are all right! Scene 11.    SOUND    HER RUNNING FEET, THEY SLOW BETTY    [coughing] What’s that [cough] in the air.  Phew!  It smells like—[suddenly alert] It smells like whatever came out of that stone! LEFFLER    [distant horrible SCREAM] BETTY    Walter! SOUND    SHE RUNS, GASPING, THROUGH THE FOG BETTY    [muttered] It just keeps getting thicker and thicker – I can barely see!  [up] Walter?? SOUND    FOOTSTEPS SLOW, PATTING ALONG WITH HAND BETTY    Ah, the door. LEFFLER    [whimpering, distant] SOUND    DRAGGING JUICY AWFUL NOISES BETTY    [sharp whisper]  Where are you? LEFFLER    [whimpery scream, cut off – urk!] BETTY    If only the sun would come out, the skylights might cut through some of this murk!  [up] Walter! MARBLE    [quiet but urgent] Go back, Betty, go back! SOUND    HER SLOW STEPS MARBLE    [disgust and sorrow] Oh, Leffler! [groan] BETTY    [gasp]  Here you are! MARBLE    I told you to get out of here! BETTY    Is he hurt? MARBLE    He’s dead.  Just like Rooney, far as I can tell. BETTY    But he just twitched! MARBLE    Something must have a hold on him! BETTY    Some thing?  [screams] SOUND    SHE RUNS MARBLE    Get out of here, Betty!  Get to safety! SOUND    SLITHERY NOISE MARBLE    I’ll keep anything from following you. BETTY    [scream breaks off with noise of effort] SOUND    SMASH OF GLASS Scene 12.    MARBLE    What are you doing? BETTY    Terrified or not, I’m not leaving you, Walter!  [noise of effort] SOUND    ANOTHER WINDOW BREAKS BETTY    But unless we get some air in here, that nasty haze will be our undoing! MARBLE    [astonished]  Good girl!  It’s starting to clear a bit.  BETTY    Where are you?  I can see Leffler’s … body… now, but--  Walter? MARBLE    [loud whisper] Stay clear of the amber.  BETTY    Which one? MARBLE    [loud whisper]  All of them.  I think IT is hiding among them, somewhere. BETTY    How can we tell? MARBLE    [strange urgency] Betty, please go outside and call some of the men. BETTY    What are you looking ...at...?  Oh.  That black smoke – that’s not moving because of the open window, is it? MARBLE    [strained, conversational]  It’s coming out from under that canvas cover.  BETTY    [shocked but trying to sound calm] That’s where it is! MARBLE    The cover is too big to move all in one go by myself. BETTY    I can get— MARBLE    Don’t come any closer! BETTY    I’ll grab the rope from here – between us, we can flip it! SOUND    SUCKING TENTACLE NOISE BETTY    [stifled noise of horror] MARBLE    Well, it’s definitely under there. SOUND    ANOTHER SLITHER MARBLE    All right... now! SOUND    FLAP OF CLOTH Scene 13.    MONSTER    [hiss] BETTY    [scream] MONSTER    [shriek] MARBLE    All red, with black patches!  Reptilian, but some sort of secondary nostrils on the – aha!  That's where the black miasma in the air comes from! BETTY    IS coming from!  It’s trying to blind us with its smokescreen. MARBLE    Did you see where it went? BETTY     Other side of the block, I think!  Oh, that smell! MARBLE    It must have been right there, under the canvas, all day. BETTY     Within arm’s reach of the whole staff?  How awful! MARBLE    [disgust] It came out only when there was comparative quiet, to get its food.... BETTY    We-we must kill it!  [slower] We... must… MARBLE     Betty!  Its eyes – they’re hypnotizing her Like a snake!  Snap out of it, Betty! SOUND    SLITHERING SLURPING NOISE MARBLE    Betty! SOUND    THUMP, SKID, AS HE KNOCKS HER OVER, GETTING HER OUT OF THE WAY BETTY    [snapping out of it] Its mouth – that long fanged tongue! MARBLE    [noting to self]  It has the thick body of an immense python and the clawed legs of a dinosaur. BETTY    And it’s horrible! MARBLE    But it also appears to have tentacles, like some sort of terrestrial octopus.... BETTY    Still horrible! MARBLE    Betty, no one has ever had such an experience as this, seen such a sight, and lived to tell of it. It must be ravenous with hunger, shut up in its amber cell inside the black fluid. I— SOUND    WHISTLING HISS – INTAKE OF AIR BETTY     I have a feeling it’s about to blow! MARBLE    I think it’s armored.  I’ll have to aim for the head. SOUND    SIX SHOTS BETTY    [screaming]  It’s coming!  SOUND    WEIRD SLITHER THUMP AS IT MOVES BETTY    Come on! SOUND    THEY BACK AWAY MARBLE    It’s in front of the door! BETTY    We can’t go out the window!  We’re too high up!  Here. SOUND    HANDS HIM GUN BETTY    I counted and you’re just about out. SOUND    CLICK MARBLE    Good gravy you’re right.  [ugh, throws the empty gun]  Thanks.  Now you get moving while I distract it!  Hurry!  Run for your life! BETTY    Oh, Walter! SOUND    SHE RUNS SOUND    SLITHER, SNAP, GUNSHOTS BETTY    [off] Oh, there MUST be something! Aha! [Ugn!  Breaks glass case] SOUND    GLASS BREAKS, GRABS FIRE AXE SOUND    MONSTER LUNGES AT MARBLE, MORE GUNSHOTS, CLICK BETTY    [muttered] I won’t let you die, Walter! SOUND    SHE RUNS, THEN BETTY    UGN!!!! SOUND    CHOP OF AXE INTO FLESH MONSTER    [HORRIBLE SCREAM!] MARBLE    No! Over here, you beast!  Keep looking at me! BETTY    And again! SOUND    THUMP, SQUISH MONSTER    Scream! SOUND    THRASHING MARBLE    Look out Betty!  The tail! BETTY    What?  Ugh! [smacked down] SOUND    BODY DROP MARBLE     No!  Betty! FADE INTO BLACKNESS AND SILENCE Scene 14.    MUSIC STUMBLES IN BETTY    [waking, muttering] What??  What happened?  [sudden gasp, freaking out] The monster! MARBLE    [manly agony] Oh, my darling!  Are you badly hurt? BETTY    [calming down] No.  I'm—I'm all right. But—but Walter—did it—? PROF    He's fine, but the monster is hacked to pieces, and don’t think I’m simply using an unscientific term. MARBLE    I – i- when I saw you fall, I think I went a bit mad.  And then the axe was in my hand, and – PROF    [stern] And he utterly mutilated a marvelous and unique specimen. BETTY    Father!  We could have been killed! PROF    [relenting] Well, there are still some remains to examine.  They’re taking the rest of it away now. PROF    I think we will find it to be some sort of missing link between the dinosaurs and mososaurs. Thus, the tentacles. SOUND    HE WALKS AWAY PROF    [lecturing as he leaves] It is surely unbelievable that such a creature should be found alive; but perhaps it can be explained. It is related to the amphibians and was able to live in or out of the water. MARBLE    Hmph.  Oh, to the devil with paleontology, Betty. You saved my life. Come out and let's get married. I love you. PROF    [droning on in the background] Now, we have many instances of reptiles such as lizards and toads penned up in solid rock but surviving for hundreds of years. BETTY    At least we’re safe, Walter. And unique! MARBLE    How’s that? BETTY    It's not every woman who is helped by a living fossil to make the man she loves realize he loves her! PROF    Evidently this great reptile went through the same sort of experience. I would say that there has been some great upheaval of nature, that the reptile was caught in its prison of amber thousands and thousands of years ago. Through hibernation and perhaps a preservative drug it emitted in the black fluid, this creature has been able to survive its long imprisonment. Naturally, when it was released by the cutting away of part of the amber which penned it in, it burst its cell, ravenous with hunger. SOUND    HE FADES OUT INTO CLOSING MUSIC ENDING  

The cure for the common cold - that's the pinnacle of medicine everyone strives for, the "sliced bread" of nonpareil achievement, right?  ...but what if it's not?

A town in the 1700s finds itself having a witch problem.  Luckily someone knows what needs to be done with witches! (I thought this had come out long ago, but somehow I missed posting it!) Written by Julie Hoverson Sound and mastering by Aaron Emmanuel JUDGE (50s)               Russell Gold BAILEY (40s)              Barry Howarth WITCH HUNTER (any)        Karim Kronfli ELIZABETH JAMESON (18)    Libby Thomas MASTER BERNE (30)         Michael Hudson MASTER HILLMAN (30)       Alex Gilmour OLD MAGGIE (70)           Elizabeth Price OLD AGNES (70)            Julie Hoverson MAJOR JANIS TIMMS (30)    Devin Nissan KATE (30)                 Katy Anderson PRIEST (40)               Owen Curtiss BORDO, GOAT (any)           TOWNSFOLK                 Jay Langejans                           Naomi Rose Mock                           Owen Curtiss                           Robert Finch                           Katy Anderson                           Michael Hudson                           Alex Gilmour                           Julie Hoverson ************************************************ The Shadow of Ignorance Cast: Judge Bailey Witch Hunter Elizabeth Jameson Master Berne Master Hillman Old Maggie, who lives by the Fen Old Agnes Major Janis Timms, Time Traveler Kate, Priest, and other TOWNSFOLK Bordo, goat MUSIC SCENE 1     COURT SOUND     CROWD IN LARGE ROOM BAILEY    Oyez, Oyez, this Court will come to order! JUDGE    Are all present who would accuse? BAILEY    Aye, judge! JUDGE    This court is convened in a case of the most severe crime... MAN IN CROWD    Witchcraft! TOWNSFOLK    [general mumbles "curses" "witchcraft" "I always knew about her" "God protect us" "witch!"] SOUND    GAVEL BANGS JUDGE    Call the court, Bailey BAILEY    This tribunal will come to order! TOWNSFOLK    [murmurs subside] JUDGE    Call the accused. BAILEY    Bring in the accused! SOUND    DOOR OPENS, SEVERAL PEOPLE ENTER KATE    [at the back] Witch! BAILEY    Do not think I would hesitate to remove you from the court, Kate Carlin! KATE    [hurried murmur] My apologies, master. JUDGE    Pronounce the bill, Bailey. BAILEY    [reading] Elizabeth Jameson, you stand accused of multiple acts of witchcraft. ELIZABETH    Never did I any such thing! JUDGE    Hold your hexing tongue, woman. BAILEY    [reading] Such acts include the drying up of several of Master Hillman's cows. Is Master Hillman present? HILLMAN    Aye, them cows was grand producers afore she-- BAILEY    Reply "Aye," only, master.  Should we require testimony, you will be called to witness. HILLMAN    Aye.  I be present. BAILEY    [back to reading] Further, accusation has been made that you attempted to seduce master Berne-- ELIZABETH    Nay!  He is the one made every attempt to importune me! BERNE    You gave me the horn, you cannot deny it! JUDGE    This is not-- ELIZABETH    You get the horn all on your own, sir, else why would your wife be abed with your eighth child? BERNE    My lust for you is from the devil. JUDGE    If you please-- ELIZABETH    Perhaps you should visit Master Hillman and his cows! SOUND    GAVEL JUDGE    Silence! BAILEY    Silence in the court. No mouths will speak but my own, unless invited to witness! SOUND    A MOMENT OF SILENCE, A COUGH OR TWO BAILEY    [loud] Good.  [to judge] Shall we add inciting congress with animals to the charges against the accused, for her impetuous insult to Master Berne? JUDGE    Think you we need further charges?  The evidence is quite damning. BAILEY    [shrug] It was well-witnessed.  We may have to address it. JUDGE    Continue with the case as presented. BAILEY    [reading again]  You further stand accused of stealing dirt from a consecrated grave after midnight, whistling on a Sunday, and wearing a red hat to church. ELIZABETH    I never stole nothing!  I put flowers on me mother's grave, and the only time I had to go there, it had come down dark - but surely could not been as late as midnight!  What else am I do to?  I work from sun up to sun down to keep body and soul together! JUDGE    Your soul is debatable, were these charges proven true. ELIZABETH    My soul is as pure as any maid's, judge.  I am poor and alone, an easy target for the lusts and accusations of others.  BAILEY    You are accused by some number of your fellow townsfolk.  Do you claim they conspire against you? ELIZABETH    I know naught of conspiracy.  I throw myself on the mercy of the great lords gathered here, and say that were I ever to even have a foul and fiendish thought, I banished it with prayers to God, and would never have acted on such, even had I power to do so.  JUDGE    Mercy is all very well, but the accusation must be answered.  Call the witch finder! BAILEY    [solemnly announcing] Witch Finder!  Enter! TOWNSFOLK    [murmurs] SOUND    DOOR OPENS, SLOW CONFIDENT STEPS APPROACH BAILEY    You swear upon your immortal soul that you will speak true.  WITCH FINDER    I so swear.  JUDGE    Most excellent.  BAILEY    You are Master Morgenstern, expert at uncovering witches and heretics, are you not? WITCH FINDER    I am.  I have personally been party to the execution of over a dozen witches in several counties.  TOWNSFOLK    [Murmur of approval] BAILEY    You have said there are certain signs that can reveal a witch, beyond any doubt.  Would you enumerate some of these, in brief? WITCH FINDER    I would be honored, masters.  First, most witches have some beast - generally of a midnight color - to guide them.  They are known to speak to this "familiar", which might even reply, though often in words unheard by any but the witch.  JUDGE    Does the accused have such a familiar, Bailey? ELIZABETH    I do not!  I barely keep myself fed, let alone a beast! WITCH FINDER    [smooth] Tis not the only sign, merely the most obvious.  Witches often have area on the body rendered insensate by their congress with the devil.  Patches which cannot feel the prick of a pin. JUDGE    Have you checked the accused for such? WITCH FINDER    I have not yet been given that task.  ELIZABETH    I am never a witch!  Certes an expert like yourself must see that, my gracious lord! WITCH FINDER    [seemingly sympathetic] Witches may wear any visage, young lady.  With such power as they can wield, they may appear as lovely as you. JUDGE    Is there none safe from being a witch? WITCH FINDER    Those who dwell without the company of others, with none to observe any devious activity, are the likeliest culprits. ELIZABETH    I am not alone for a single portion of the day!  I toil daily for three different families to earn a shred to eat, and sleep in a pew in the church, where the good father might always watch over me. WITCH FINDER    Hm.  May I peruse the charges, Bailey. BAILEY    At your pleasure, Witch Finder. WITCH FINDER    [reads for a minute, grunts, then quietly to judge]  May we retire from company for a few minutes, masters?  A strong suspicion comes upon me, but is not for the ears of onlookers. JUDGE    [quietly responding] As you wish.  [up] Bailey?  Announce we shall return shortly.  WITCH FINDER    Bring the accused, if you please. BAILEY    [announcing] We must have private counsel.  None may leave whilst we are absent. SOUND    MURMURS, FEET, DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, CUTS OFF MURMURS     SCENE2    SMALLER ROOM [They speak in whispers unless noted otherwise.] WITCH FINDER    May I perform a test on the accused, sirs, here in your presence? BAILEY    Need you a pin? WITCH FINDER    I have in mind a more serious test. JUDGE    Well enough.  What is it? WITCH FINDER    I have a holy relic on my person for just such cases.  If she is a witch, she will be unable to even gaze upon it.  BAILEY    That would settle all. WITCH FINDER    However... JUDGE    Yes? WITCH FINDER    If she can look upon it, but not touch it, she may not be damned herself, but have had dealings with a witch. BAILEY    Dealings? WITCH FINDER    [ominous] Even the most upright of folk may turn to the devil when desperate.  Never think a simple charm or remedy will do them any harm - but evil sneaks in through the slightest of cracks. BAILEY    [clearly guilty] Oh, uh, really? JUDGE    [also shifty] Um, yes, of course. WITCH FINDER    [lighter] Or a curse may be upon her.  You say she has no family and no hopes of marrying, due to her extreme poverty? BAILEY    Yes, it's quite tragic. WITCH FINDER    And none ever considered a curse might have placed her in such straits? JUDGE    [astonished]  No!  Do you think-- WITCH FINDER    I must consider everything.  BAILEY    What must we do if she is accursed? WITCH FINDER    We must find the witch that laid the curse upon her, and destroy her to undo all her wicked works.  Or his.  Some of the most diabolical witches I have uncovered have been of the male persuasion. JUDGE    Good god preserve us! WITCH FINDER    First, let us test the accused.  If she is the witch, this will all be moot.  [up, speaking across the small room]  Girl! ELIZABETH    [tearful dignity] I am called Elizabeth Jameson. WITCH FINDER    You claim you are no witch, do you not? ELIZABETH    [a bit confused] I - I mean aye, I mean ... [definite] I am no witch, master. WITCH FINDER    Then perhaps you are accursed.  Are there any who would do such a thing to you, girl? ELIZABETH    [reluctant] Perhaps master Berne, as I... I struck him when he made unwelcome advances. WITCH FINDER    Many men do not take such a rebuff kindly.  Hold this for a moment, if you would. ELIZABETH    This?  Certainly.  [pain, surprise] Oh! SOUND    SOMETHING CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR ELIZABETH    Your pardon, master!  That - that thing!  It burned me! WITCH FINDER    [satisfied]  I know. SOUND    SNATCHES UP FROM FLOOR WITCH FINDER    See, masters?  She is accursed; no witch. BAILEY    How lucky we are you were here! WITCH FINDER    Certes, sirs.  Else you might have condemned an innocent.  Further, thought yourself safe, while the true miscreant walked unsuspected among you. BAILEY    What is there to do now? WITCH FINDER    [grim] We summon the witch to the court. BAILEY    Will your relic do that? WITCH FINDER    Nay, sir.  I must use a trifle of the witch's own power to do it.  This must be kept secret between us. JUDGE    What are you saying? WITCH FINDER    I am trained, by the mother holy church, to use some of the devil's own magic against his works, but none must ever know.  You must all swear. JUDGE    I would never uncover any such trust placed in me. BAILEY    [hesitant]  We will not be called upon to participate, will we? WITCH FINDER    Nay, master, I endanger no soul but my own. I am willing to do that, in service to god and the good people of your town. BAILEY    Well then, I concur. WITCH FINDER    You, girl? ELIZABETH    Were you to remove whatever curse I am under, and free me from this accusation, I would follow you to the ends of the earth! WITCH FINDER    Just swear you will never speak of it. ELIZABETH    My lips will be ever sealed. WITCH FINDER    Good.  One further request - if the culprit is uncovered, their property should be forfeit to the crown, but in recompense for the curse this girl has suffered under, I think she should receive some portion in recompense.  Do you gentlemen concur? JUDGE    I will make it so.  Enough to dower her into a respectable marriage, certainly. WITCH FINDER    That would do well in the eyes of the lord.  Now I must lay hands upon you, girl, to summon your tormentor.  These good men will witness there is no mishandling. MUSIC   SCENE 3    COURT ROOM TOWNSFOLK    [restless murmurs] SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM TOWNSFOLK    [GASPS, other exclamations] TIMMS    [very witchy sounding]  Who is't that summons me? TOWNSFOLK    [horrified gasps, a few sounds of fainting or small muffled screams] SOUND    NEAR DOOR OPENS, MEN RETURN WITCH FINDER    I do! TIMMS    Who are you to summon such as I to your bidding? WITCH FINDER    I command you, with the power of the church and God behind me! TIMMS    I laugh at your command!  WITCH FINDER    Laugh you may, but I shall compel your name from you, crone.  Speak! TIMMS    [fighting] I... will... not! JUDGE    Should we not take her?  She cannot help but reveal her name in custody! WITCH FINDER    This is merely a manifestation - the witch is here as if in a dream.  Else you would surely recognize her voice or visage. JUDGE    [knowingly] Of course! WITCH FINDER    Do not distract me further.  [up]  Speak witch!  Your name - I command it! TIMMS    [fighting]  I am... I am...  Old Maggie of the fens.  You fools never thought twice about coming to me for my remedies, thus I own a morsel of every soul in this chamber! WITCH FINDER    Release them, now, crone!  Most especially this girl, Elizabeth! TIMMS    You cannot command me! WITCH FINDER    Everyone!  Everyone in this room must pray and refute the devil!  Where is the town priest?  Ah!  Lead the prayer, if you would, sir. PRIEST    Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil TIMMS    [still fighting] You are far too strong!  I must release my hold on them!  Aaaaaagh!!!! SOUND    WHOOSHING EXIT, DOORS SLAM WITCH FINDER    [exhausted] Come morning, we'll fetch this Maggie-- BAILEY    We should go now! JUDGE    Yes!  We must brave the darkness to bring justice and security-- PRIEST    And release from Satan's grip! JUDGE    --to the town! TOWNSFOLK    [Agreeing noises] JUDGE    The people will not be halted, Witch Finder.  BAILEY    Is there great danger if we go by night? WITCH FINDER    [tired] Tis of no matter- A witch may be stronger by night, but this one will be weakened by the confrontation just passed.  I will be recovered and ready when folk have fetched torches to light the way. BAILEY    [announcing] Fetch torches and weapons to protect ourselves! WITCH FINDER    [halfheartedly, still tired] Yes, yes weapons.  Of course. ELIZABETH    We must destroy the witch to assure the curse is gone forever!  I cannot go on, under such a dark cloud! MUSIC   SCENE 4    COTTAGE IN WOODS SOUND    OUTSIDE - FROGS, NIGHTTIME SOUND    POUNDING ON A WOOD DOOR MAGGIE    [inside] Who is't that comes to me so late? TIMMS    One who would save you, wise woman. SOUND    DOOR OPENS MAGGIE    Save me?  From what calamity? TIMMS    The townsfolk.  They come to burn you as a witch.  Gather anything you wish to keep. MAGGIE    Who art thou? TIMMS    I have a conveyance ready to take you away, what more do you need to know? MAGGIE    May I bring my goat?  I cannot abandon her to burn. TIMMS    Your goat is welcome, but time is short.  Dress.  Tell me what I can gather for you. MAGGIE    A trunk lies under that blanket.  I wouldst have it with me, if you can shift it.  SOUND    SHUFFLING FEET GOING UP CREAKY STAIRS MAGGIE    [from off] A dream forewarned me of this, after my dear cousin Agnes was drowned at Haddisfield. TIMMS    Agnes.  Yes.  [Uhn!  moving heavy object] SOUND    HEAVY BOX SHIFTED SOUND    DISTINCTLY MODERN HUMMING NOISE, AS OF MACHINERY. WHOOSH OF MOVEMENT. TIMMS    [calling] Your trunk is safe, grandmother!  Grab your goat and hurry, I think I hear the rabble approaching! SOUND    MORE SWITCHES, ELECTRONIC NOISE MAGGIE    Come Bordo, my sweet-- GOAT      Mahhh MAGGIE    Oh!  What have you there? TIMMS    A false body for them to burn.  They need to see you die, to be content. MAGGIE    How awful people are, that they may need one's help one moment, then turn so cruel and heartless the next.  TIMMS    I promise you, times do change.  Come now. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, EXIT   SCENE 5      OUTSIDE COTTAGE (continued) MAGGIE    My trunk? TIMMS    In my carriage, here. MAGGIE    I see no carriage.  'Tis a small house! GOAT      Mahhh! TIMMS    [amused] If it helps, I will enter first. SOUND    WHOOSHY DOOR SOUND TIMMS    Come on.  Get inside! MAGGIE    Very well. SOUND    FEET, WHOOSHY DOOR CLOSES   SCENE 5    SCI FI SOUNDSCAPE (continued) SOUND    SLOW FOOTSTEPS MAGGIE    [awe] It is so large within!  How can this be? TIMMS    The door is a just a portal.  It can open anywhere.  It, and I, are from the future. MAGGIE    But why come for me? TIMMS    Once it was determined that people who were going to die anyway could not hurt the time stream if they were removed, the wiccan council of 2170 decided to save any of the wise women of the past that we could. MAGGIE    Your words mean nothing, I fear. TIMMS    See if this helps. SOUND    ANOTHER DOOR OPENS, SHUFFLING FEET ENTER AGNES    Maggie! MAGGIE    [awe!]  Agnes?  But- but you-- AGNES    [happy] Just as with you! MAGGIE    ohh! GOAT      Mahhh AGNES    Quite unnerving, I know Maggie, dear.  Sit here with me. SOUND    TIME TRAVEL NOISE [NOT THE TARDIS - LOL] TIMMS    And... We are clear.  MAGGIE    My head is a jumble.  Where are we? Who is this lady? AGNES    This is Major Timms.  She is from a future as far beyond our time as the birth of Jesus was before. TIMMS    Close enough. AGNES    She came here to carry us off, in the very moment of our doom, to bring our knowledge and wisdom to the world of her future.  Wisdom appears to be scarce there. TIMMS    Just another stop or two before we return to my time. MUSIC   SCENE 6    OUTSIDE, MORNING SOUND    CAPSULE APPEARS - SCI FI NOISE SOUND    DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN TIMMS    [looking for someone] Hello? WITCH FINDER    [weary whisper]  Here. TIMMS    [clearly knows him] You look tired. WITCH FINDER    Late night bonfires can do that. TIMMS    Good job, if that helps. WITCH FINDER    Thanks.  Only three more months of this and I get to go home. TIMMS    Want me to take a message? WITCH FINDER    [shrug] I'll get there about the same time you do.  Where you off to next? TIMMS    Somewhere in Africa.  Late 1800s. WITCH FINDER    How did we ever get past all this? TIMMS    [noncommittal noise]  Mm.  Just keep up the good work.  OK? WITCH FINDER    You too. TIMMS    [yelling back] And don't catch dysentery! SOUND    LEAVING NOISE SEGUE INTO MUSIC ENDING CREDITS  

The Puffy Loaf corporation takes the next "logical" step to make their bread fluffier and lighter ...possibly lighter than air.  (adapted by Julie Hoverson from the story by Fritz Leiber, published in 1958) ***************************************** Editing and Sound:  Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Julie Hoverson (with help from Brett Coulstock) What Kind of a place is it? Why it's a lovely white bread future (by way of 1958) can't you tell? Cast List Megera Winterly - Melissa Pang Roger Snedden - Russell Gold Phineas T. Gryce - Glen Hallstrom Tin Philosopher - Jerry Bennett Rose Thinker - Kris Keppeler   Congresswoman - Sharon Delong Aide - Steve Guy Robot Tour Guide - Derek M. Koch (Mail Order Zombie) Henpecked pilot - Jack Hosley (Wander Radio) Kathy - Kim Poole (Warp'd Space) June - Shelbi McIntyre Preacher - Ferguson (Cadavertrax) Child - Spawn of Ferguson Radio Moscow1 - Reynaud LeBoeuf Government Official -  Master Payne Radio Moscow2 - Julie Hoverson Delhi Telefax - Ayoub Khote General - Bryan Hendrickson Scientist - Frederick Greenhalgh (Final Rune Productions) Doomsayer - Danar Hoverson Father O'Malley - Clarence Fanshaw Geneva telefax - Julie Hoverson Hawker1 - Jeff Pittman Hawker2 - Jeff Taylor Hawker3 - Shayla Conrad-Simms Hawker4 - Mark Olson Hawker5 - Connor Olson News1 - Jerry Bennett News2 - Julie Hoverson Naturalist - Brett Coulstock News - Jerry Bennett Radio Moscow - Reynaud LeBoeuf Russian Wife - Gwendolyn-Jensen Woodard Arabic Storyteller -   Terry Cooper Interviewer - Ellen Vickery Climber1 - J. Christopher Dunn Climber2 - Mark Olson Climber3 - Brody Walker (Rainbow Reels Cinema) [Anyone not mentioned was probably Julie Hoverson.....] ********************************************* BREAD OVERHEAD (From the story by Fritz Leiber, printed in Galaxy in 1958). Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] MAIN STORY SCENES: MEGERA Winterly (F20s-30s), Secretary in Chief ROGER Snedden (M30s), Assistant Secretary Phineas T. GRYCE (M50s), chairman of the board ROSE THINKER (F/any), optimistic robot TIN PHILOSOPHER (M/any), serious robot   INTERVENING SCENES Scenes 1 & 3 Congresswoman (F40s) Aide (any) Tourguide (any) Scene 5 Hungover man Scene 7 June, housewife Kathy, housewife Scene 9 Preacher Child Congregation [crowd] Scene 11 Radio Moscow Government Press Release Scene 13 Delhi Telefax Scene 15 Moderator General Scientist Crowd [cheers] Scene 17 Doomsayer TV Host Father O'Malley Scene 19 Stockholm Telefax Scene 21 Hawker1 Hawker2 Hawker3 Hawker4 Scene 23 News1 News2 Scene 25 Naturalist Scene 27 Reporter Radio Moscow Scene 28 Russian girl Russian grunt Russian wife Scene 29 Arabic Storyteller Scene 30 Interviewer (talking to survivors of a rock climbing incident) Member1 Member2 Member3 _______________________________________________________________________ OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a lovely white bread future by way of 1958, can't you tell?  MUSIC SCENE 1.    SOUND     OUTDOOR NOISES, MACHINERY CONGRESSWOMAN    As your duly elected congresswoman, I am so pleased to be able to come here and officiate at this... very splendid and worthwhile uh ...endeavor. AIDE    New bread making plant. CONGRESSWOMAN    [quiet] Bread making?  It looks like a giant robot centipede!  AIDE    [duh!] The tour?  They're about to-- TOURGUIDE    So pleased to see you, Congresswoman.  If you would step right this way? CONGRESSWOMAN    [confident] I am so pleased to be able to be the first to see your new breadmaking facility. TOURGUIDE    This is a great step forward [chuckles] in every sense of the word - for breadmaking, for the United States, and of course for the Puffy Loaf Corporation. MUSIC SCENE 2.    AMB    PUFFYLOAF OFFICE MUSIC SOUND    SWOOSH DOOR, HUSHED FOOTSTEPS MEGARA    [striding in] Why don't you jump out the window, Roger, remembering to shut the airlock after you?  You have about as much chance of talking me into marriage as a starving Ukrainian kulak now that Moscow's clapped on the interdict. ROGER    [bringing up the rear] A lot of things are going to be different around here, Meg, as soon as the Board is forced to admit that only my quick thinking made it possible to bring the name of Puffy loaf in front of the whole world. MEGARA    [musing] Puffy loaf could do with a little of that.  The way sales have been, it won't be long before Fairy Bread just waltzes right in and asks us to take the Big Jump. But just where does your quick thinking come in? You can't be referring to the helium--that was Rose Thinker's brainwave. ROGER    Well, I-- MEGARA    You've birthed another promotional bumble, Roger. I can see it in your eyes. I only hope it's not as big a one as when you put the Martian ambassador on 3D, live, and he thanked you profusely for the gross of Puffy loaves, assuring you that he'd never slept on a softer mattress in all his life! ROGER    Listen to me, Meg. Today--yes, today!--you're going to see the Board eating out of my hand. MEGARA    Hah! I guarantee you won't have any fingers left. You're bold enough now, but when Mr. Gryce and those two big robots come through that door-- ROGER    Now wait a minute, Meg-- MEGARA    Hush! They're coming now! SOUND    DOOR SWOOSH MUSIC SCENE 3.    AMB    OUTDOORS TOURGUIDE    Each of our walking mills is a self-contained production factory.  CONGRESSWOMAN    Spike to loaf in one operation? TOURGUIDE    [pleased] You've read our literature. CONGRESSWOMAN    Of course.  [whispered]  Thanks, Hank. AIDE    Right. CONGRESSWOMAN    So it-- uh-- AIDE    Crawls all over the field, harvesting the wheat--? TOURGUIDE    Harvests, threshes, quick-dries, and grinds. CONGRESSWOMAN    Impressive. TOURGUIDE    Ah, but that's just the front half. AIDE    Of course - it must bake as well. CONGRESSWOMAN    And then bread comes out the - um - the "southern" end? TOURGUIDE    [chortles]  Why don't we go and see?  Hop on. SOUND    DOORS CLOSE, CAR MOVES CONGRESSWOMAN    Why, they're terribly long, aren't they? TOURGUIDE    Thirty gleaming and fully-automated yards of breadmaking efficiency! CONGRESSWOMAN    What's... that? TOURGUIDE    What? CONGRESSWOMAN    Up there? AIDE    Soviet spy planes? CONGRESSWOMAN    They're awfully small for planes. TOURGUIDE    [alarm] Oh my goodness!  It's-- it's--- MUSIC SCENE 4.     MEGARA    [singing the company jingle]  Made up of tiny wheaten motes And reinforced with sturdy oats, It rises through the air and floats-- The bread on which all Terra dotes! TIN PHILOSOPHER    Thank you, Miss Winterly.  Though a purely figurative statement, that bit about rising through the air always gets me--here. SOUND    CLANG AS HE TAPS HIS CHEST TIN PHILOSOPHER    This is a historic occasion in Old Puffy's long history, the inauguration of the helium-filled loaf-- ROSE THINKER    So Light It Almost Floats Away! TIN PHILOSOPHER    --in which that inert and heaven-aspiring gas replaces old-fashioned carbon dioxide.  Kudos for Rose Thinker, whose bright relays genius-sparked the idea‑‑ ROSE THINKER    [titters] TIN PHILOSOPHER    --and also for Roger Snedden, who took care of the ... nuts and bolts, so to speak. MUSIC SCENE 5.    SOUND    HELICOPTER NOISE HUNGOVER    I'm only about a half hour away-- SOUND    [nagging wife noise on phone] HUNGOVER    It was a business meeting, dear.  I couldn't very well say-- SOUND    [nagging wife noise on phone] HUNGOVER    Right.  You're right.  You're always-- SOUND    [nagging wife noise on phone] HUNGOVER    I have the list right here.  Bread-- SOUND    THUMP HUNGOVER    What the devil?  Birds? SOUND    [nagging wife noise on phone-query] HUNGOVER    Jeepers creepers! SOUND    THUMP THUMP THUMP MUSIC SCENE 6.    AMB    OFFICE GRYCE    By the by, Snedden, that was a brilliant piece of work getting the helium out of the government--they've been pretty stuffy lately about their monopoly. ROGER    [guilty] Uh, yeah - about that-- TIN PHILOSOPHER    [cough noise] Ever since the first cave wife boasted to her next-den neighbor about the superior paleness and fluffiness of her tortillas, mankind has sought lighter, whiter bread. Indeed, thinkers wiser than myself have equated the whole upward course of culture with this poignant quest. ROSE THINKER    Yeast was a wonderful discovery--for its primitive day. Sifting the bran and wheat germ from the flour was an even more important advance. GRYCE    Skip ahead.  We all know the history.  TIN PHILOSOPHER    [miffed] Bread is now twenty times stronger, by weight, than steel, and of a lightness so great that it has even been capitalized on by our conscienceless competitors of Fairy Bread with their enduring slogan: 'It Makes Ghost Toast'. ROSE THINKER    That's a beaut, all right, that ecto-dough blurb. SOUND    HER CALCULATING NOISE ROSE THINKER    Wait a sec. How about—“There'll be bread / Overhead?” SOUND    CLANK AS TIN KICKS HER TIN PHILOSOPHER    [quickly hissed with import] Rises through the air is figurative - not literal. SOUND    HER CALCULATING MADLY ROSE THINKER    Of course.  [covering] I-I-I... wonder what the stuff tastes like. TIN PHILOSOPHER    [relaxed again] I wonder what taste tastes like GRYCE    Well Rose, I'm glad you keep trying to outjingle those dirty crooks at Fairy Bread, anyway.  I'm sure you'll come up with something. MUSIC SCENE 7.    AMBIANCE    OUTSIDE SOUND    LAUNDRY FLAPPING JUNE    [clothespins in mouth] And I said to her, I said-- KATHY    What in blazes!!! JUNE    [gasp] That's not what I said! KATHY    No!  Look!  Look! JUNE    Great googley moogley  - whatever d'you think those could be? KATHY    Spy... things! JUNE    Soviets! KATHY    [urgent] Pass me the walkie talkie! JUNE    Where--? KATHY    In the laundry basket! MUSIC SCENE 8.    AMB    PUFFYLOAF OFFICE TIN PHILOSOPHER    The next great advance in the baking art was the substitution of purified carbon dioxide for the gas generated by yeast organisms, thus leaving no corpses in situ. ROSE THINKER    Ew.  But even purified carbon dioxide is itself a rather repugnant gas. TIN PHILOSOPHER    Therefore, we of Puffy Loaf are taking today what may be the ultimate step toward purity - we are aerating our loaves with the noble gas helium! ROSE THINKER    An element which remains virginal in the face of all chemical temptations and whose slim molecules are eleven times lighter than obese carbon dioxide! MUSIC SCENE 9.    SOUND    END OF HYMN PREACHER    Amen.  And now let us give thanks to the Lord.  Hallowed be his name.  CONGREGATION    Amen. CHILD    Look at that!  Out the window! SOUND    SLAP CHILD    [annoyed] Ow! PREACHER    Our father, that art in heaven, look down upon us wretched sinners, forgive us for our annoyance of others. CONGREGATION    [murmur, almost a chuckle] PREACHER    For we are repentful.  Give us this day our daily-- SOUND    THUMP ON WINDOW PREACHER    Holy Cow! MUSIC SCENE 10.    TIN PHILOSOPHER    I give you - the helium loaf! GRYCE    Hear Hear. SOUND    APPLAUSE GRYCE    And now for the Moment of Truth. Miss Winterly, how is the helium loaf selling? SOUND    TAPPING KEYS MEGARA    Uh... SOUND    MORE FRANTIC TAPPING MEGARA    [horrified] It isn't, Mr. Gryce!  Fairy Bread is outselling Puffy loaves by an infinity factor.  So far this morning, there has not been one single delivery of Puffy loaves to any sales spot!! Complaints about non-delivery are pouring in! GRYCE    [snarling] Mr. Snedden!  What bug in the new helium process might account for this delay? ROGER    Uh... I can't imagine, sir, unless - just possibly - there's been some unforeseeable difficulty involving the new metal-foil wrappers. GRYCE    Metal-foil wrappers?  Were you responsible for those? ROGER    Yes, sir.  Last-minute recalculations showed that the extra lightness of the new loaf might be great enough to cause drift during stackage.  Metal-foil wrappers, by their added weight, took care of the difficulty. GRYCE    [warning]  And you ordered them without consulting the Board? ROGER    [sweating]  Yes, sir. There was hardly time and-- GRYCE    You fool!  I noticed the order for metal-foil wrappers, assumed it was some sub-secretary's mistake, and canceled it last night! MUSIC SCENE 11.    RADIO MOSCOW    In other news, the glorious Kremlin announces it will brook no interference in its treatment of the Ukrainian upstarts.  This flying bread is clearly a bourgeoisie invitation to join the capitalists in cloud cuckoo land.  GOVERNMENT    official press release, United States state department.  As we have no defense contracts with the Puffy loaf Corporation, we can take no responsibility for their erratic delivery methods. RADIO MOSCOW    Citizens are warned to report any instances of the airborne bread, particularly any low-flying loaves.  They have been reported as booby-trapped!  Reports have been coming in all morning of deaths.  The Capitalist running dog lackeys will do anything to damage our national contentment. MUSIC SCENE 12.    ROGER     [stunned] You-- you canceled the [squeak] order?  [gasp] And told them to go back to the lighter plastic wrappers? GRYCE    Of course!  Just what's behind all this, Mr. Snedden?  What got you so worried, when our physicists demonstrated months ago that the helium loaf was safely stackable in light breezes - even up to Beaufort's scale 3.  TIN PHILOSOPHER    Why would a change in wrappers result in non-delivery? ROGER    Er-- ah-- er...  Well, you see, the fact is that I.... MEGARA    Hold it!  Triple-urgent message from Public Relations, Safety Division. Tulsa-Topeka aero-express makes emergency landing after being buffeted in encounter with vast flight of objects initially described as brown birds. GRYCE    What's this got to--? MEGARA    [over him] After grounding safely near Emporia--no fatalities--pilot's windshield found thinly plastered with soft white-and-brown material.  [astonished and horrified] Emblems on plastic wrappers embedded in material identify it incontrovertibly as an undetermined number of Puffy loaves cruising at three thousand feet! MUSIC SCENE 13.    DELHI TELEFAX    Telefax to the United States.  No millet shortage here.  Misleading report of blight on crops.  Delhi is in no need of relief packages and can feed own people.  Need no additional help.  Expecting usual deliveries by end of week. MUSIC SCENE 14.    ROGER    [blurting] All right, I did it!  But it was the only way out! Yesterday morning, due to the Ukrainian crisis, the government stopped sales and deliveries of all strategic stockpiled materials, including helium gas. ROSE THINKER    How heavy-handed.  [titters] ROGER    Puffy's new program of advertising and promotion, based on the lighter loaf, was already rolling.  There was only one thing to do, there being only one other gas comparable in lightness to helium. MEGARA    You didn't! ROGER    I did.  I diverted the necessary quantity of hydrogen gas from the Hydrogenated Oils Section of our Magna-Margarine Division and substituted it for the helium. MUSIC SCENE 15.    MODERATOR    The debate rages as to what to do with the consistently buoyant loaves.  The U.S. Army had this to say— GENERAL    Extreme measures are being considered, possibly even to the extent of using fusion technology to dissipate the flock. MODERATOR    But at a rally yesterday, scientists spoke out-- SOUND    RALLY [on TV; filter] SCIENTIST     [on TV; filter] Exploding a bomb among the loaves would be devastating, setting off a chain reaction!  We must send a message – no more deaths from flying bread! CROWD     [cheering] MUSIC SCENE 16.    GRYCE    [quiet horror] You substituted ... hydrogen ... for the ... helium? TIN PHILOSOPHER    Hydrogen is twice as light as helium. ROSE THINKER    And many times cheaper. ROGER    Yes!  I substituted hydrogen!  The metal-foil wrapping would have added just enough weight to counteract the greater buoyancy of the hydrogen loaf. TIN PHILOSOPHER    So, when this morning's loaves began to arrive on the delivery platforms of the walking mills-- ROGER    [miserable]  Exactly. GRYCE    [dangerous rumble] Let me ask you, Mr. Snedden... did you expect people to jump to the kitchen ceiling for their Puffybread after taking off the metal wrapper, or maybe reach for the sky if they happened to have the misfortune to unwrap the stuff outdoors? ROGER    Mr. Gryce, you yourself have often assured me that what people do with Puffybread after they buy it is no concern of ours. MUSIC SCENE 17.    DOOMSAYER    [on filter] ...and he did say unto the prophet Breadediah to watch the skies – yea, for even the staff of life may be used to smite, and manna may fall from the heavens and crush the unworthy! TV HOST    What do you think of this disturbing trend in apocalyptic jargon, Father O'Malley? FATHER O'MALLEY    The pope hasn’t ruled yet on the bread's miracle status.  I expect it depends a great deal on where it finally touches down, Phil.  Until then, it’s all up in the air. MUSIC SCENE 18.    ROSE THINKER    [metallic gasp] Oh, boy--hydrogen!  The loaf's unwrapped.  After a while, in spite of the crust-seal, a little oxygen diffuses in. An explosive mixture. Housewife in curlers and kimono pops a couple slices in the toaster. Boom! GRYCE    Holy Canola! ROGER    [groan] SOUND    METALLIC KICK TIN PHILOSOPHER    So you see, Roger, that the non-delivery of the hydrogen loaf carries some consolations. ROSE THINKER    Oh, yes. TIN PHILOSOPHER    And I must confess that one aspect of the affair gives me great satisfaction, not as a Board Member but as a private machine. You have at last made a reality of our theme song.  It indeed now 'rises through the air'. ROSE THINKER    By now, half the inhabitants of the Great Plains must have observed our flying loaves! GRYCE    The hell you say!  Stop the mills! MEGARA    Absolutely, sir. TIN PHILOSOPHER    A sensible suggestion.  But it comes a trifle late in the day. If the mills are working to capacity, approximately seven billion Puffy loaves are at this moment cruising eastward over Middle America. ROSE THINKER    Recall that a six-month supply for deep-freeze was being prepared-- TIN PHILOSOPHER    And since the current per-person consumption of bread, due to its matchless airiness, is eight and one-half loaves per day. GRYCE    Aaaargh!  MUSIC SCENE 19.    STOCKHOLM TELEFAX    Telefax to United Nations Food Organization.  Stockholm applauds your actions and stands ready to monitor the situation, with hope of collaboration in endeavors not yet considered.  [basically saying nothing at all] MUSIC SCENE 20.    GRYCE    [spluttering] You!  You-- you...! MEGARA    Hold it!  Flock of multiple-urgents coming in! News Liaison: information bureaus swamped with flying-bread inquiries.  Aero-express-lines: Clear our airways or face law suit. U.S. Army: Why do loaves flame when hit by incendiary bullets? ROSE THINKER    Oh, boy! MEGARA    U.S. Customs: If bread intended for export, get export license or face prosecution. Russian Consulate in Chicago: Advise on destination of bread-lift. And some Kansas church is accusing us of a hoax inciting to blasphemy--but I'm not sure why. ROGER    I'm dead. MEGARA    [near-hysteria] Roger Snedden!  You've brought the name of Puffy loaf in front of the whole world, all right!  Now do something about it! ROSE THINKER    Oh, boy!  This looks like the start of a real crisis session! Did you remember to bring spare batteries? SOUND    METALLIC KICK MUSIC SCENE 21.    HAWKER1    Cameras!  Bread cameras here!  Guaranteed to take picture of objects moving rapidly through the sky! HAWKER2    Cold cuts!  Get ready for the sandwich of a lifetime!  Cold cuts!  Special for today, buy two pastrami, get your condiments for free!  HAWKER3    Bread nets!  Make sure you can catch your sandwich needs as they fly by!  Buy one for the kiddies! HAWKER4    Psst!  Tickets?  Need a ticket?  I got the 28th floor, the 32nd floor… maybe even, the 40th floor?  How far you wanna go? MUSIC SCENE 22.    SOUND    WIND, HIGH UP SOUND    GUNSHOTS, SUBMACHINE GRYCE    Take that! SOUND    STUMBLING FOOTSTEPS ROGER    [Heavy breathing, panicky, approaching] GRYCE    Stay back! ROGER    Whoa!  [trying to be casual]  Fancy meeting you here, Mr.Gryce! GRYCE    Fancy?  We're 70 stories up!  What sort of a coincidence is that?  Get off my building! ROGER    Hey.  No worries.  Just thought you could use a new can of oxygen. GRYCE    [mollified] Ah, nah - I got plenty. ROGER    Okey-dokey.  [deep breath, then a gasp! Trying to speak without squeaking]  uhh....  breathtaking view from up here, eh? MUSIC SCENE 23.    NEWS1    A confidential and reliable source has told this reporter that both the united states and soviet tracking systems have mislaid triangulation of the errant herds of bread. NEWS2    They say it was misplaced when it flew into a storm generated by the weather bureau. NEWS1    Ironically, the government was trying to bring down the bread with this very storm.  NEWS2    Funny how that happens. MUSIC SCENE 24.    GRYCE    You should be looking up - out - for those damn things! ROGER    Have you, uh - "popped" many GRYCE    Don't taunt me, boy.  I'm taking care of this little problem you served me with.  I'll shoot down every last one before they involve my company in any more trouble.  ROGER    They'll come down eventually. GRYCE    They come down much faster with a little extra weight - like lead! SOUND    SHOOTS OFF A VOLLEY ROGER    What if we - uh - need you inside? GRYCE    No bread inside. ROGER    Hmm.  That's not what I heard. GRYCE    What? ROGER    Whoa-whoa-whoa!!!  Don't point that at me! GRYCE    Why not?  You're the one who ...  urk! SOUND    METAL CLANG ROGER    [almost falling] Waa! SOUND    METAL CLANG TIN PHILOSOPHER    Thank you for the distraction, Roger.  You can go inside now before you do yourself any harm. ROGER    But Gryce...? TIN PHILOSOPHER    We have all the medication he needs. ROSE THINKER    [off]  The electroshock suite is prepped and ready! MUSIC SCENE 25.    NATURALIST    [hushed, excited] If you watch the birds, behind me, you can see wide variations in their acceptance of these strangers in their midst.  Despite several weeks now to acclimatize themselves, smaller birds, such as the crested nuthatch, tend to avoid the gently wafting oblongs, while larger birds, or flocks – seagulls in particular – have been known to attack.  SOUND    ANGRY BIRDS NATURALIST    There they go – take cover. SOUND    SMALL EXPLOSIVE POP, ANGRIER BIRDS NATURALIST    That was a good one!  A loaf has to be pretty ripe before it will go up like that. MUSIC SCENE 26.    SOUND    DOOR OPENS MEGARA    Roger? ROGER    Uh... MEGARA    I hear you in there.  Are you going to make me drag you out? ROGER    [sigh]  No.  [coming closer]  Is Gryce all right? MEGARA    Yelling fit to bust.  Screaming at everyone.  ROGER    So back to normal? MEGARA    You bet. ROGER    And he wants to see me? MEGARA    "see" is not the verb he's been using. ROGER    Ohh..... MUSIC SCENE 27.    REPORTER    Reports have been trickling out of the eastern bloc of millions of loaves of bread drifting down onto the Ukraine. RADIO MOSCOW    As the safety of the capitalist bread has not yet been established, truckloads of our own traditional and nutritious black bread have been dispatched to the areas hardest hit.  They are to be offered at an equitable trade rate. MUSIC SCENE 28.    AMB    OUTSIDE RUSSIAN GRUNT    18...19...20.  Good.  Here. SOUND    ONE LOAF OF NORMAL BREAD SLAPPED DOWN RUSSIAN WIFE    [whispered to friend] I'm short one.  Do you have an extra floating loaf? RUSSIAN GIRL    Here.  MUSIC SCENE 29.    ARABIC STORYTELLER    And yes, it came to pass that in the very sky - yes the blue firmament overhead - there appeared strange motes, and yes, these motes grew larger and larger, and the plastic wrapping caught the light of the great and fabulous sun! MUSIC SCENE 30.    AMB     BACK TO STUDIO INTERVIEWER    And we have with us the three members of the ill-fated MacCallum expedition. MEMBERS    [individually] Hi!  Hello!  [Etc.] INTERVIEWER    And I understand you credit your survival, after the avalanche blocked all routes of travel-- MEMBER1    And swept away our pack animals.  Don't forget! INTERVIEWER    Right.  After all that, you were left for three days? MEMBER2    Without any food. MEMBER3    And just snow for water. MEMBER2    Well, yeah.  But we were just starting to - you know - give each other the eye, when-- MEMBER3    We were not. MEMBER1    He was. MEMBER2    Can I finish?  INTERVIEWER    After this commercial break, they'll tell the story of the heroic sacrifice of dozens of loaves of puffyloaf bread - saving these intrepid explorers' lives. MEMBER3    I would never eat you! MUSIC SCENE 31.    MEGARA    Listen to this!  As a result of the worldwide publicity of the past three weeks, Puffy loaves are outselling Fairy Bread three to one--and that's just the old carbon-dioxide stock from our freezers!  It's almost exhausted, but the government, now that the Ukrainian crisis is over, has taken the ban off helium and will also sell us stockpiled wheat if we need it. We can have our walking mills burrowing into federal storage caves in a matter of hours! ROGER    Really?  It's all over? MEGARA    But that isn't all!  [amazed] There's a huge demand everywhere for Puffy loaves that will actually float. Public Relations, Child Liaison Division, reports that the kiddies are making their mothers' lives miserable about it. If only we can figure out some way to make hydrogen non-explosive or the helium loaf float just a little-- TIN PHILOSOPHER    I'm sure we can take care of that quite handily.  Puffy loaf has kept it a corporate secret-‑ ROSE THINKER    Even the board has never been told about it! TIN PHILOSOPHER    But just before he went crazy, our founder discovered a way to make bread using only half as much flour as we do in the present loaf. ROSE THINKER    Using this secret technique, which we've been saving for just such an emergency, it will be possible to bake a helium loaf as buoyant in every respect as the hydrogen loaf. ROGER    We'll tether 'em on strings and sell 'em like balloons! No mother-child shopping team will leave the store without a cluster.  [gaining momentum] Buying bread balloons will be the big event of the day for kiddies. It'll make the carry-home shopping load lighter too!  I'll issue orders at once--  [breaks off, then humble]  Excuse me, sir, if I seem to be taking too much upon myself. GRYCE    [wry]  Not at all, son; go straight ahead.  You're doing a good job of [chuckles] rising to the challenge, eh? MEGARA    [warning] Oh, Roger?  ROGER    Huh? MEGARA    [suddenly warming] Oh Roger!  My sweet little self-propelled monkey wrench! SOUND    SMOOCHIES TIN PHILOSOPHER    Aww. ROSE THINKER    [titters] ROGER    [whispered] Looks like it's catching. MEGARA    Can robots fall in love? ROGER    Let's give them some time alone... SOUND    THEIR FOOTSTEPS EXIT, DOOR SWOOSH [robots continue on telephone filter] ROSE THINKER    Circuit established.  Silent mode. TIN PHILOSOPHER    Good-o, Rosie! That makes another victory for robot-engineered world unity, though you almost gave us away at the start with that 'bread overhead' jingle. ROSE THINKER    Silly me! TIN PHILOSOPHER    We've struck another blow against the next world war.  Now if we can only arrange, say, a fur-famine in Alaska and a migration of long-haired Siberian lemmings across the Bering Straits... ROSE THINKER    We'd have to swing the Japanese Current up there so it'd be warm enough for the little fellows.... TIN PHILOSOPHER    Anyhow, Rosie, with a spot of help from the Brotherhood of Business Machines, these humans will paint themselves into the peace corner yet! END CREDITS

It pays to know who lives next door - whether it's the shady guy who keeps looking your way or the sweet old cat lady.

Charles takes the lead again, recounting the adventures of an unfortunate uncle.   Cast List Herbert - Carl Cubbedge Warren - Glen Hallstrom Charles - Michael Coleman (Tales of the Extraordinary) Richard - Philemon Vanderbeck Edward - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Randolph - Sebastian Orr Elihu, uncle - Charles Austin Miller Ann, servant - Julie Hoverson Music by incompetech.com and a-mclassical.com Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Julie Hoverson / Brett Coulstock   "What kind of a place is it? Why it's Charles' study again, can't you tell?" ********************************************************************** THE SHUNNED HOUSE (Lovecraft 5, #6) Cast: Edward, a writer Charles, a dilettante Herbert, a scientist Richard, a painter Warren, a professor Randolph, cousin Elihu, uncle Ann, servant   OLIVIA     [opening credits] Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, we've returned to Charles' comfortable brownstone, can't you tell?  Scene 1.    MUSIC SOUND     MUSIC PLAYS CHARLES    I should warn you all from the outset that this is a rather more mundane story than most of those brought to this gathering. EDWARD    As long as you feed me this well, Charles, I'd listen to a story about a dog. RICHARD    Oh?  I know this fellow in Andalusia...  A friend of a friend. CHARLES    [cutting in] My story involves... a vampire. EDWARD    And you tell us?  Right up front?  That's poor narrative framing. CHARLES    No, no, there's a perfectly good reason to get it out in the open right away. HERBERT    Vampires?  Haven't they been adequately explained by contemporary science? CHARLES    See?  WARREN    The existence of vampires has been .. debatable... for several centuries. EDWARD    Ah. HERBERT    The vampire myth is almost certainly explainable.  Most simply by common or garden anemia-- WARREN    Or any number of similarly communicable diseases, for example, consumption-- HERBERT    Tuberculosis. WARREN    --which, until very recently, were often attributed to supernatural origin. HERBERT    But now, with our understanding of germs and the vectors of infection, vampires must be relegated to the vast list of creatures that have been debunked. CHARLES    [aside] I'll give Warren and Herbert one more minute. RICHARD    I'm just stunned that they seem to be on the same side.  Science and History are usually at odds. EDWARD    Fiction can go either way.  WARREN    It's fascinating to consider the mindset that created a myth such as that of the vampire.  RICHARD    Created?  You think someone sat down and designed them, like a new model of automobile? WARREN    Created it to account for otherwise inexplicable events.  EDWARD    More like a detective, trying to piece together a crime from the clues. WARREN    Do you know that in historical folklore, vampires were said to always return and prey on members of their own family before passing to others? HERBERT    Again, a simple disease contagion statistic.  With the substandard hygiene of past eras, it was almost inevitable that those in close proximity to a dying person were the most likely-- CHARLES    Enough!  [moment of silence] Scene 2.    CHARLES    Thank you for the erudite exposition.  I'm quite sure we'll come back to this throughout the lecture. EDWARD    [laughing] Please raise your hand if you have any questions. RICHARD    Over here? CHARLES    [chuckling]  The chair recognizes the commissioner for art.  Richard? RICHARD    Thank you.  My question - does the name Stoker come into this story anywhere? CHARLES    No.  Despite the nature of the central creature involved, or supposedly involved, the story has a long and verifiable history, which began well before any of such contemporary novels appeared on bookstands.  EDWARD    I dunno - there have been similar creatures haunting Gothic novels for nearly two centuries. WARREN    Aren't they all explained away by the end of the book?  EDWARD    Only in Radcliffe. RICHARD    You need a gavel, Charles, so you can call us to order. Scene 3.    CHARLES    My story is about a house. EDWARD    A vampire house? [laughs] CHARLES    Well....  A cursed house. WARREN    A curse?  AND a vampire? EDWARD    Do you mean a house in the sense of a family line or a physical house? CHARLES    The latter.  This house happens to be in Providence.  And while I could lie and tell you this was another personal experience, in truth, it happened to a cousin of mine. EDWARD    Your cousin is a vampire house? HERBERT    You forgot to raise your hand, Edward. CHARLES    This particular area of Providence was haunted by Poe in his day.  Sometime in the 1840s, he was wont to pass by this very house on visits to the poetess Mrs. Whitman.  RICHARD    Whitman?  Should we know her? EDWARD    We certainly know Poe. CHARLES    She was an ardent spiritist and something of an early suffragette.  I haven't come across any of her writings myself.  Almost as much a draw as the lady, though, St. John's churchyard was also along Poe's route. EDWARD    Is Poe in this story? CHARLES    He's merely making an appearance for historical perspective.  Setting the time and place. WARREN    Understood. CHARLES    The point - the irony is this - the world's greatest master of the terrible and the bizarre regularly passed a particular house on the eastern side of the street; a dingy, antiquated structure perched on the abruptly rising side hill.  There is no evidence that he even noticed it.  And yet that house, to certain persons, equals or outranks in horror Poe's wildest phantasy. EDWARD    [avid] Now we get into it! CHARLES    The house was - and for that matter still is - of a kind to attract the attention of the curious.  It followed the colonial lines of the middle eighteenth century - the prosperous peaked-roof sort of farm house; two stories; dormerless attic; Georgian doorway and interior paneling. RICHARD    All the best accoutrements of the mid 1700s? CHARLES    Ayup.  Facing south, it's buried to the lower windows in the hillside, and exposed to the foundations on the street. RICHARD    [knowing] I've seen a few of those. CHARLES    Its construction, over a century and a half ago, followed hard upon the rerouting of the nearby road.  Benefit Street - at the time called Back Street - wound through the graveyards of the first settlers.  It was straightened only when the removal of the bodies to the North Burial Ground made it decently possible to cut across the old family plots. EDWARD    Aha! HERBERT    A house built over the miasmatic remains of a graveyard?  Simply begging for some festering disease to seep in through the foundation. Scene 4.    WARREN    Uh... May I? CHARLES    Recognized. WARREN    When you speak of this being a "vampire", do you specifically speak of a walking corpse that drinks blood, or the more classic creature of folklore which is something like a stealer of soul or essence? HERBERT    Warren!  You sounded almost impartial before, and now this? WARREN    Whether or not I believe in such a creature, it's important to uncover what the people involved believe, regardless of the underlying source. HERBERT    Hmph. CHARLES    I may have to leave the ultimate decision up to you as to what particular phylum this entity falls into. HERBERT    Don't try to make taxonomical jokes.  It doesn't suit you. CHARLES    Moving on.  I should point out that while I was not a witness to all the events of my story, I have been to - and in fact, been in - the house in question. EDWARD    Do tell? CHARLES    Boys will be boys, and visits in my youth to my cousin-- EDWARD    The one who witnessed these events? CHARLES    Ayup.  Visits with his family every summer.  And many boyish dares ended with someone venturing into the empty, foreboding edifice. WARREN    Empty?  Providence isn't a place where houses generally stand empty for long. CHARLES    Precisely.  And this one should have been occupied, except for-- EDWARD    The vampire?  Or the Curse?  The Curse of the Vampire? CHARLES    Not precisely.  You see the house wasn't associated with anything like that at the time, it was simply thought... unlucky. HERBERT    [very snide] Oh, yes.  That's much more classifiable. CHARLES    People just kept dying in the house.  Individually, they were generally attributed to something more along the lines you've suggested, Herbert - bad air, foul fungus in the basement, something material and accountable, and yet... EDWARD    Yet? Scene 5.    CHARLES    That's for later.  There's quite a tragic history to the house, which I will touch upon, but let me finish with my own impressions first - the facts, anyway.  HERBERT    Well, I can agree with that. CHARLES    It was the dank, humid cellar which exerted the strongest repulsion on us - even though it was wholly aboveground on the street side, with only a thin door and window-pierced brick wall to separate it from the busy sidewalk.  We scarcely knew whether to haunt it in spectral fascination, or to shun it for the sake of our souls and our sanity. HERBERT    Facts, he says.  Hmph. CHARLES    For one thing, the bad odour of the house was strongest there; and there were white fungous growths which occasionally sprang up in rainy summer weather from the hard earthen floor. HERBERT    What kind of fungi? CHARLES    I'm no expert.  Something between toadstools and Indian pipes?  They rotted and became slightly phosphorescent; so that nocturnal passers-by sometimes spoke of witch-fires glowing behind the broken panes of the foetor-spreading windows. RICHARD    [shudder]  Interesting.  [musing] True phosphorescence is a colour that's so hard to capture...  CHARLES    We never - even in our wildest Hallowe'en moods - visited this cellar by night, but in some of our daytime visits could detect the glowing of the fungi, especially when the day was dark and wet.  And something else... [trails off] WARREN    [sincere] It really bothered you, didn’t it? CHARLES    Distressing events have so much more influence when one is impressionable ...and young.  [shaking it off]  Lets have a bit more of vampires while I regain my composure - meaning while I fetch myself something to drink.  Warren, if you would?  Scene 6.    WARREN    Oh, well...  Some basic facts, then.  Vampires were originally believed to be a form of revenant - the returning spirit of a recently deceased person, not a physical manifestation at all.  EDWARD    Really?  Not bloated corpses returning to gorge on the gore of gorgeous...um, gamines? RICHARD    [laughs]  Gratuitous.  I believe it was Stoker who started a lot of what most people think of as "vampire traditions?" WARREN    I confess I am not particularly conversant with the novel.  I'm not much for such sensational fiction. EDWARD    I am. RICHARD    I am. HERBERT    Don't look at me. EDWARD    Go on. RICHARD    [prompting] They drink blood? WARREN    Probably attributable to either anemia, as Herbert suggested, or to any number of wasting diseases that plagued people.  EDWARD    But what about the bite marks? HERBERT    Disease sores.  Or the predation of rats.  Which, in turn, spread disease.  WARREN    Very likely.  Rats have lived cheek and jowl with humans since the dawn of civilization. RICHARD    Stoker did make the connection between his vampire and rats - he was supposed to be able to summon and control them. HERBERT    If you consider the "vampire" as symbolic of disease, then its presumed connection to rats is fairly logical. RICHARD    But Dracula also couldn't enter a home without being invited? CHARLES    [drink - ahh] On the other hand, we boys could, and did.  Why don't I take my narrative back up? Scene 7.    WARREN    Go ahead.  CHARLES    I won't be able to adequately describe the place to convey the depth of the horror we felt in its presence.  EDWARD    We promise to laugh quietly. CHARLES    No need.  [deep breath, bracing himself]  There was this sort of cloudy whitish pattern on the dirt floor - a vague, shifting deposit of mould or nitre which we usually seemed to be able to trace out amidst the sparse fungous growths near the huge fireplace of the basement kitchen. EDWARD    Something carved into the floor? CHARLES    Floor was dirt.  No.  This patch... it bore an uncanny resemblance to a doubled-up human figure.  RICHARD    Like some sort of primitive grave-marking? CHARLES    [growing haunted] On one certain rainy afternoon I fancied I glimpsed a thin, yellowish, shimmering exhalation rising from the nitrous pattern toward the yawning fireplace.  [brisk]  Shortly after, my cousin and I broached this to our uncle. WARREN    Perhaps you could put names to these people?  CHARLES    Of course.  My cousin - well, I'll just call him Randolph, and our uncle's name is Elihu Whipple.  Doctor Elihu Whipple. WARREN    Whipple?  I know him - or have met him, but didn't he recently--? CHARLES    [cutting him off]  Yes, yes.  I'll get there. EDWARD    Ooh!  A mystery. CHARLES    Uncle Elihu never pooh-poohed our concerns about the house.  As it turned out he'd done a good deal of research on it, himself. RICHARD    The house is still standing, is it?  Might be worth making a day trip to Providence - or rather a night trip. CHARLES    Probably futile - the house has been cleaned and is once more gainfully employed. EDWARD    A happy ending?  To a vampire story?  Say it isn’t so! WARREN    [grim] Not as happy as all that, I warrant. EDWARD    Not fair!  You know something! RICHARD    How do you mean the house has been cleaned? CHARLES    Everything natural around the house used to be ... wrong.  From the aforementioned fungus to the tree roots that grew into the cellar, and the weeds that flourished in the back yard - everything was twisted and flabby and somehow unnatural.  And now-- EDWARD    All better? CHARLES    Yes.  But at a cost. WARREN    [serious] Yes. CHARLES    The history of the house is long-winded, statistical, and drearily genealogical, but there runs through it a continuous thread of brooding, tenacious horror and preternatural malevolence.  My cousin and uncle apparently became obsessed with charting every death possibly attributable to the house. WARREN    [carefully choosing his words to not give anything away] I never fancied Whipple as an historian? CHARLES    A physician and amateur antiquarian.  And yet, he approached the problem much as Herbert might - as a technical one.  Hygiene and germs. HERBERT    Oh.  A realist.  In your family?  CHARLES    Yes.  Well, every herd has its black sheep.  Now, the origin of the house, amidst a maze of dates, revealed no trace of the sinister.  It was built by a merchant, William Harris. Scene 8.    EDWARD    Built on a recently moved graveyard? CHARLES    A recently-straightened part of the street, anyway.  EDWARD    But there must be something? CHARLES    Actually, from what I understand, the land the house stands upon was never marked for graves.  EDWARD    Why bring up the graves, then, if they're not relevant? RICHARD    Setting tone.   WARREN    Of course, vampires were supposed to be buried in unhallowed ground, like suicides, so the LACK of a consecrated churchyard is possibly just as significant. CHARLES    The following spring, sickness occurred among the Harris children, and two of the four died within a month.   HERBERT    Children are particularly susceptible to many kinds of disease. CHARLES    And one of the two servants died of it in the following June.  The remaining servant, Eli, constantly complained of weakness.  WARREN    Servants have traditionally been drawn from the lower classes, who in turn tend to be more superstitious, and therefore more inclined to give credence to, and in turn be affected by, such things. CHARLES    Eli died the next year, as did the master of the house and a third of the four children.  WARREN    Goodness! CHARLES    The widow fell victim to insanity, after such a series of tragedies, and was thereafter confined to the upper part of the house.  This was in 1768. EDWARD    This story is starting to sound oddly familiar.  Was there a meteorite involved? HERBERT    [scoffing] In Providence? CHARLES    The widow's sister, Mercy Dexter, moved in to take charge of the family. Mercy was a plain, raw-boned woman of great strength, but her health visibly declined from the time of her arrival. EDWARD    Now it sounds like Luella Miller. HERBERT    You would think that by this time they would have the sense to move out.  EDWARD    Or get in an exorcist. HERBERT    Nonsense.  It's more likely something toxic in the groundwater - arsenic, perhaps.  Slight traces can cause anemia and wasting as it builds up in the body's vital organs. CHARLES    So many deaths and a case of madness, all within five years, started strange rumours. RICHARD    Rumors?  Nonsense.  This is a definite pattern.  Herbert?  You agree? HERBERT    [definite] Arsenic.  Or one of the other heavy metals.  Perhaps Thallium?  Did anyone suffer from hair loss? CHARLES    There were other symptoms.  The poor widow, in her madness, gave voice to dreams and imaginings of the most hideous sort. HERBERT    Fever rantings. CHARLES    Her terrors periodically necessitated her remaining son's residence with a cousin.  He improved during these visits, and, had Mercy been as wise as she was well-meaning, she would have let him live away permanently. WARREN    What sort of direction did this madness take?  Paranoia? Scene 9.    CHARLES    Now, William, the one remaining child of this unfortunate house, broke away from the place in his teens by enlisting - what with the [ahem] trouble with Great Britain. EDWARD    What trouble? WARREN    [hinting]  Consider the year? EDWARD    I don't know what year we're at.  I haven’t been taking notes.  CHARLES    1775. EDWARD    Oh, of course. CHARLES    William was away for the duration, married, and returned to his family home to find tragedy.  RICHARD    No "Mercy"? CHARLES    Mercy was still there, but her once robust frame had undergone curious decay, so that she was now a stooped and pathetic figure with hollow voice and disconcerting pallor.  HERBERT    Did feeblemindedness run in the family as well?  Wasn't this a clear enough hint? CHARLES    William, now an adult witnessing these events, quickly arranged for the building of a new and finer house... across town. HERBERT    Finally! CHARLES    And closed the house on Benefit Street.  WARREN    Probably for the best. EDWARD    Are we nearing 1800 yet? CHARLES    Almost.  William and his wife passed away in the yellow fever epidemic of 1797, leaving their child in the care of a cousin, Rathbone Harris. RICHARD    Now there's a name! CHARLES    Rathbone was a practical man, and rented the Benefit Street house despite dead William's wish that it remain vacant. He did not concern himself with the deaths and illnesses which caused so many changes of tenants, or the steadily growing aversion with which the house was generally regarded. EDWARD    He's lucky no one held him responsible. HERBERT    As if one could sue over poor living conditions! CHARLES    In 1804, the town council ordered the place fumigated with sulphur, tar and gum camphor due to several more deaths - presumably caused by the passing fever epidemic. HERBERT    [dismissive]  Might as well wear pointed masks and wave nosegays. WARREN    I'm sure they did the best they could with the science they had.  CHARLES    Several generations passed, with the house standing empty. HERBERT    And yet, whether operating under rank superstition or sound scientific principals, it never occurred to them to simply tear it down, clear the ground, and begin anew with clean pipes from a municipal water source? CHARLES    No, indeed, but it never rented again after the series of deaths culminating in 1861. EDWARD    So when you braved its depths, it had lain fallow for some ... 50 years? CHARLES    I'm a bit older than that, but that's a good round number to work with.  Fifty years empty - and fifty years hungry. RICHARD    So we are now at the present, and your cousin Randolph enters the stage? CHARLES    Carrington Harris, last of the male line, had meant to tear the place down and build an apartment house on the site-- HERBERT    Finally, another sane one. CHARLES    But Randolph convinced him to allow them to look into it first.  EDWARD    With the history you've given - I'll agree it shows a pattern of misfortune, but what, precisely, made you think of vampires, and not ghosts or curses, or poison, or any of the other various explanations we've found? CHARLES    Well, it was one of the original servants who started talking vampires.  She was a superstitious Exeter woman, and you know how they can be. Scene 10.    ANN    Some remnant must lie nearby, mayhap under this very house!  Doomed to sup off the blood or breath of god-fearing folk!  My own grand-dam told me time and again, Ann, she said, to destroy such a hellion, ye must find its earthly shell, and burn its black and festering heart!  EDWARD    Not a stake through the heart and cutting off its head? RICHARD    Perhaps that was "plan B". CHARLES    As she was sacked and left the house relatively unscathed, this servant Ann's stories spread far and wide. WARREN    So that is one. CHARLES    One what? WARREN    Reason to bring up vampires. HERBERT    Hardly a credible witness. CHARLES    Ah yes.  There was also the raving. EDWARD    The widow? CHARLES    Rhoby Harris.  Hers, and others.  Among the people who died in that house, a large percentage were subject to such ranting. HERBERT    Again, not unnatural in certain kind of fevers. [CHARLES BEGINS TO BUILD FROM HERE] CHARLES    In their more lucid moments, several of the afflicted went on about sharp teethed, glassy-eyes creatures that crouched on their chests and scratched at their necks? RICHARD    Fuseli's "Nightmare" comes to mind.  An imp sitting on the chest of a sleeping woman?  Though it always looked a bit more bemused than threatening to me. EDWARD    And then there's cats who steal the breath from babies. WARREN    Some demonic images are universal - at least among the various Christian branches. CHARLES    In the last throes of their disease, many of these afflicted even began to foam and bite and scratch at their caretakers! HERBERT    Hydrophobia?  Perhaps rabid rats lurking in the walls? [CLIMAX OF CHARLES' POINTS] CHARLES    And all of them ranting in guttural French?  A language not ONE of the afflicted was familiar with? [moment of silence] Scene 11.    RICHARD    [hesitant] oh.  Um...  are they quite sure it was French? WARREN    How could they mistake French?  Unless it was, say, Belgian. RICHARD    I've traveled in Europe.  If you speak NO languages but English, all languages are equally incomprehensible - at least, at first. HERBERT    What makes you think that no one around the afflicted spoke French? RICHARD    Charles specified that none of the victims spoke any French.  How many people can live with, or even around, a speaker of another language and not pick up a few words? CHARLES    Bravo, Richard!  RICHARD    And, unlike, say, New Orleans, in New England, French speakers have traditionally been a bit light on the ground.  CHARLES    Oddly, that leads me to the next part of the story. WARREN    The French? CHARLES    Following up on the French connection, Randolph and Elihu uncovered historical references to a French family who settled in the area long before this house was built. EDWARD    And were buried there, right? RICHARD    Shh. CHARLES    A lease from 1697, showed a small tract of ground being let to an Etienne Roulet. WARREN    Roulet?  Why does that sound familiar? CHARLES    And yes, the Roulets had laid out their graveyard behind their cottage, and no record of any transfer of graves existed. EDWARD    Hah!  And why were they in the area?  On the run from witch trials? Scene 12.    CHARLES    The Edict of Nantes, actually. EDWARD    The what? WARREN    Huguenots? CHARLES    Precisely. EDWARD    [louder] What? WARREN    French protestants, driven out of France after the country declared itself definitely Catholic.  And it wouldn't be the Edict that drove them out - that was earlier. EDWARD    Wasn't there something about Huguenots in a moving picture?  RICHARD    Intolerance.  Right next to the Babylonian orgy scenes. CHARLES    Ahem.  The Roulets were unpopular, and had already been not-so-politely asked to leave East Greenwich.  Apparently their sort of Protestantism didn't quite fit with the standards of New England society. EDWARD    I thought all protestants were pretty much the same?  WARREN    [guffaws] RICHARD    To misquote Wilde, they're one church separated by a common religion. HERBERT    Religion is such a futile waste of time. CHARLES    Etienne Roulet wasn't much of a farmer, but he could read and write and figure - the words "drawing queer diagrams" appear in one of the accounts, but without details.  So Roulet was employed in a clerical post at Pardon Tillinghast's wharf. HERBERT    Tillinghast?  Huh. [recalling "from beyond"] RICHARD    Small world. CHARLES    New England, especially.  Everyone's always related to everyone, and knows everyone else.  Everyone important, anyway.  So the Roulets, being so entirely ...other... were never accepted. RICHARD    Roulet!  I have it! CHARLES    Oh? RICHARD    I don't know any of the dates, but I think it was in the reign of Henri the fourth of France.  I don't know why, but I associate it with "Boy bitten by lizard" and a couple of particularly gruesome beheadings of John the Baptist.  [explaining]  Paintings.  There was a Roulet accused of being a ... [falters, not sure]  a werewolf?  WARREN    I knew there was something!  Yes of course -a Jacques Roulet.  An indigent accused of the horrid murder of a young man.  From what little I can recall, he claimed he had changed into a wolf and was therefore condemned to death, but ultimately commuted to life imprisonment in a madhouse. EDWARD    And you just know this, Warren, off the top of your head? WARREN    Well, I was going through a couple of books recently, looking for tales... well... that I might bring HERE. EDWARD    [laughs] RICHARD    Any more salacious details?  I seem to remember hints of cannibalism? WARREN    Without any notes, I cannot be precise, but I think he was found in a wood, covered in blood and flesh, shortly after the killing of a boy by a pair of wolves.   EDWARD    But what would a werewolf in France have to do with a vampire or ghost in Providence? HERBERT    Or disease. WARREN    Actually, werewolves and vampires have often gone hand in hand - the werewolf being generally considered one who has sold his soul in a pact with the devil, and the vampire being the soulless revenant of someone who died either while under such a pact or as the victim of such a fiend. EDWARD    So being a werewolf in life makes one inevitably a vampire after death? CHARLES    Much like going to Boston Latin leads inevitably to Harvard. [general laughter] CHARLES    So. On to my relations and the house on Benefit street. EDWARD    That would make a good title for a story.  [ominous] The House on Benefit Street. CHARLES    They went about the whole thing with an eye to scientific method.  Truly.  Even brought along various mechanical devices. HERBERT    Such as? CHARLES    [sigh] I was really hoping to pass over this.  I don't know.  Just say mechanical devices and leave it at that. HERBERT    Imprecision.  Always imprecision. CHARLES    They brought the devices in during the day - and recall, they can walk directly in from the street into the dreaded basement.  EDWARD    Or directly out, as the case may be. CHARLES    Randolph spent the day poking around, but found only the same depressing mustiness and faint suggestions of noxious odours. RICHARD    Well, if it was daylight, anything phosphorescent would lie unseen. CHARLES    Precisely.  So he tried again, this time by night.  And with somewhat more trepidation. Scene 13.    RANDOLPH    One stormy midnight, I ran the beams of an electric torch over the mouldy floor. The place had dispirited me curiously that evening, and I was almost prepared when I saw a particularly sharp definition of the "huddled form" we recalled from boyhood. CHARLES    Even while he watched, he seemed to see the thin, yellowish, shimmering exhalation which had startled us years before. RANDOLPH    A subtle, sickish, almost luminous vapour rose, which seemed to develop vague and shocking suggestions of form, before passing into the blackness of the great chimney, leaving foetor in its wake.  Refusing to flee, I watched it fade - and as I watched I felt it was in turn watching me greedily with eyes more imagined than visible. CHARLES    The upshot of this palpable manifestation was that they determined to both spend the night in the house.  After papering the windows, to avoid the eyes of possible onlookers, they added camp chairs and cots to their accoutrements and settled in. RANDOLPH    We were not, as I have said, in any sense childishly superstitious, but scientific study and reflection had taught us that the known universe of three dimensions embraces the merest fraction of the whole cosmos of substance and energy. HERBERT    [interested]  Scientific approach, indeed.  I assumed you were exaggerating. CHARLES    I accept your apology. HERBERT    I didn't apologize. RANDOLPH    To say that we actually believed in the supernatural would be carelessly inclusive.  Rather say that we were not prepared to deny the possibility of certain modifications of vital force and matter, of something that might exist only infrequently in three-dimensional space because of a more intimate connection with other spatial units. EDWARD    I'm not even going to ask. HERBERT    They were approaching the matter as if the potential creature was something that exists in an ...adjacent dimension.  Interesting. RANDOLPH    The family of Roulet had likely possessed an abnormal affinity for outer circles of entity.  Could not, then, some force drawn or created by this passion continue to function in the vicinity long after the original participants were dead and gone? HERBERT    Unfortunately, there is no way to prove or disprove such sloppy hypotheses.  [musing] And yet, one might easily imagine an alien nucleus of substance or energy, formless or otherwise, kept alive by imperceptible subtractions from the life-force or bodily tissue and fluids of more traditional "living things". EDWARD    Which, I believe, would make it something called ...a "vampire"? HERBERT    [ignoring him] Such a thing might be actively hostile, or simply motivated by self-preservation.   EDWARD    Back to Luella Miller. Scene 14.    RICHARD    Regardless, in any good social circles, eating people is considered... unacceptable. HERBERT    Well, of course such a creature would have to be eliminated, and yet the concept is fascinating. WARREN    Perhaps such creatures, throughout history, formed the basis for many such myths. CHARLES    But this myth is the only one we're dealing with tonight.  Randolph and Elihu were ready for anything they could be ready for. RANDOLPH    We had devised two weapons to fight it; a large Crookes tube operated by powerful storage batteries and provided with peculiar screens and reflectors, in case it proved intangible and opposable only by vigorously destructive ether radiations-- HERBERT    Is this item available for an examination? CHARLES    I might ask him.  But not for a couple of months.  He's rather busy at the moment. EDWARD    Oh, no - don't tell me he's in a madhouse? CHARLES    [considering, then definite] Mm.  No. RANDOLPH    We also had a pair of military flame-throwers of the sort used in the World War, in case the creature proved material and susceptible of standard destruction.  We were prepared to burn the thing's heart out - if heart existed to burn. HERBERT     This is the sort of preparation sorely lacking in most of these so-called ghost stories.  And nary a religious icon in sight? CHARLES    Um, no. HERBERT    I am impressed. EDWARD    You don't mind that they planned to "burn its heart out", so long as they didn't brandish a crucifix while they did it? HERBERT    Melodramatic, perhaps, but burning the heart out of any living creature is just as likely to be an effective way of destroying it. RANDOLPH    Our cellar vigil began at 10 P.M., daylight saving time.  A weak, filtered glow from the rain-harassed street lamps outside, and a feeble phosphorescence from the detestable fungi within, showed the dripping stone of the walls. CHARLES    They left the street door unlocked, in case of a sudden need to depart.  And they sat, playing stalking goat to a creature as potentially deadly as any man-eating tiger.  They talked far into the night until Uncle Elihu, being the older, grew drowsy. RANDOLPH    Something like fear chilled me as I sat there in the small hours alone - I say alone, for one who sits by a sleeper is indeed alone; perhaps more alone than he can realize.  Once, when the noisome atmosphere of the place seemed about to sicken me, I opened the door and looked up and down the street, feasting my eyes on familiar sights and my nostrils on wholesome air. CHARLES    He returned inside, ready to trade shifts with the elder man.  But all was not well. RANDOLPH    As I turned my electric flashlight on him, all at once he commenced to mutter.  The words were at first indistinguishable, and then, with a tremendous start, I recognized something about them which filled me with icy fear! RICHARD    Francais? CHARLES    Oui.  Now, Uncle Elihu could read and write in a passable Gallic hand, and presumably COULD speak the tongue as well.  So it might ... possibly be ... coincidence. RANDOLPH    Suddenly a perspiration broke out on the sleeper's forehead, and he leapt abruptly up, half awake.  The jumble of French changed to a cry in English! Scene 15.    ELIHU    My breath, my breath! EDWARD    Wait!  You just used the past tense!  [mimicking] "Uncle could read and write!"  Did the vampire get him? CHARLES    As a matter of fact, he woke at this point, and recounted a dreadful dream he had been having.  WARREN    A sort of race-memory?  CHARLES    All the while, he said he felt a sensation of choking, as if some pervasive presence had spread itself through his body. RANDOLPH    I reflected that dreams are only dreams, and that these visions could be, at most, no more than my uncle's reaction to the investigations which had lately filled our minds to the exclusion of all else. HERBERT    Plausible. EDWARD    Plausible denial. RANDOLPH    My uncle seemed now very wakeful, and welcomed his period of watching even though the nightmare had aroused him far ahead of his allotted two hours. EDWARD    He still went to sleep?  After all that? RANDOLPH    It was not a pleasant sleep, and for a second I was not sorry for the echoing shriek which clove through the barriers of dream and flung me to a sharp and startled awakeness. RICHARD    Who was shrieking?  EDWARD    His uncle?  Your uncle, I mean? CHARLES    [grim] Yes. RANDOLPH    As I turned, I dreaded what I was to see; for the scream had been in my uncle's voice, and I knew not against what menace I should have to defend him and myself. HERBERT    Did he at least have the sense to arm himself with the flamethrower? CHARLES    I believe so. EDWARD    Not the BEST idea, considering his uncle might be in the line of ... um... fire. RANDOLPH    Yet after all, the sight was worse than I had dreaded.  Out of the fungous-ridden earth steamed up a vaporous corpse-light, yellow and diseased, which bubbled and lapped to a gigantic height in vague outlines half human and half monstrous. RICHARD    A yellow blot upon the dark palette of the tenebrous cellar. RANDOLPH    I say that I saw this thing, but at the time it was to me only a seething dim cloud of fungous loathsomeness, enveloping the one object to which all my attention was focused.  That object was my uncle! EDWARD    Why did it wait so long? WARREN    Maybe the apparition only appears at certain times of night. HERBERT    Maybe the dimensions only overlap at certain times. CHARLES    Maybe you should let me finish the tale. RANDOLPH    And then, my uncle, features somehow blackening and decaying, leered and gibbered and reached out dripping claws to rend me! RICHARD    All the more terrible for being a relative. RANDOLPH    Only a sense of routine kept me from going mad.  Recognizing the bubbling evil as no substance reachable by matter or material chemistry, I threw on the current of the Crookes tube apparatus, and focused the strongest ether radiations. HERBERT    [eager] Yes?  RANDOLPH    There was a frenzied sputtering, and the yellowish phosphorescence grew dimmer to my eyes. But I saw that the waves from the machine had no effect whatsoever. CHARLES    Then, in the midst of that daemoniac spectacle, he saw a fresh horror which sent him fumbling and staggering towards that unlocked door to the quiet street, careless of what terrors he might loose upon the world. RANDOLPH    In that dim blend of blue and yellow light, the form of my uncle commenced a nauseous liquefaction whose essence eludes all description, and in which there played across his vanishing face such changes of identity as only madness can conceive. He was at once a devil and a multitude, a charnel-house and a pageant. CHARLES    He said that dozens, or perhaps hundreds, of faces played briefly across the countenance of our dear uncle - showing, perhaps, all those whose lives had been tainted by the shadowy intruder. RANDOLPH    Toward the last, it seemed as though the shifting features strove to form contours like those of my uncle's kindly face. I like to think that he existed at that moment, and that he tried to bid me farewell before the final dissolution. Scene 16.    HERBERT    [disbelieving] He... melted? EDWARD    Seems a bit extreme for an entity that took years and years to kill sister Mercy. WARREN    Consider that the thing had been starved for half a century.  Where it might have been satisfied with a slow drain in the past, now it was forced to gorge. RICHARD    And poor Randolph fled into the night? CHARLES    Yes.  He wandered aimlessly for a time, unsure of whom he might confide in. EDWARD    Naturally he thought of you. CHARLES    My taste in the ... unusual isn't much of a secret.  He woke me early that morning and together we approached that evil dwelling. RANDOLPH    All residue was gone, for the mouldy floor was porous. CHARLES    I saw the cot, the chairs, the instruments, and even the yellowed straw hat of my uncle. But no sign of the figure in the floor. RANDOLPH    I tried to conjecture as nearly as sanity would let me just what had happened, and how I might end the horror, if indeed it had been real.  It did not seem to be matter, nor ether, nor anything else conceivable. What, then, but some exotic emanation; some vampirish vapour such as those that rustics claim lurk over certain church yards? CHARLES    Randolph has always been a bit of a dreamer.  Between us we quickly concocted a plan, and went to fetch digging implements, military gas-masks, and six carboys of sulphuric acid. EDWARD    That you just happened to have lying around? HERBERT    That's what those were for. RICHARD    Herbert?  Why on earth do you have sulphuric acid handy? HERBERT    It serves many purposes.  But getting rid of organic ... remains... is a primary one. CHARLES    It took nearly an entire day to get everything organized.  Randolph spent most of that time trying to take his mind off the horrors he had witnessed.  RANDOLPH    I passed the hours in reading and in the composition of inane verses to counteract my mood. EDWARD    "inane verses"? RICHARD    [limerick] There once was an old man from Arkham... Scene 17.    CHARLES    Just before noon the next day, we commenced digging - right where that stain had always been seen, though there was no trace of it there in the strong morning sunshine. RANDOLPH    As I turned up the stinking black earth in front of the fireplace, a viscous yellow ichor oozed from the white fungi it severed. CHARLES    With the deepening of the hole, which was about six feet square, the evil smell increased.  We had arranged the great carboys of acid around and near two sides, so that when necessary they could be emptied down the aperture in quick succession. EDWARD    And the gas masks? CHARLES    originally to keep out the vapor itself, but we used them as much for the dreadful stench. RANDOLPH    Suddenly my spade struck something softer than earth. I shuddered and made a motion as if to climb out of the hole, which was now as deep as my neck. CHARLES    I was above at the time, taking some much-needed fresh air, but returned when he called out in horror. RANDOLPH    The thing I had uncovered was fishy and glassy - a kind of semi-putrid congealed jelly with suggestions of translucency. I scraped further, and saw that it had form -huge and roughly cylindrical; like a mammoth soft blue-white stovepipe doubled in two, its largest part some two feet in diameter. CHARLES    Abruptly, he leaped out of the hole, then began frantically unstopping and tilting the heavy carboys, and precipitating their corrosive contents one after another down that charnel gulf.    EDWARD    Before you could even see it? CHARLES    I saw enough. RICHARD    A cylinder?  So it was some sort of giant worm? EDWARD    A folded worm? CHARLES    Randolph had his own explanation for it, though I don’t know how much credit to give him, there in his abject terror. HERBERT    What did he think it was? CHARLES    All I saw was a blinding maelstrom of greenish-yellow vapour which surged tempestuously up from that hole as the floods of acid descended.  People outside, seeing the hideous yellow fumes that soared up the chimney, attributed it to a dumping of waste in the river by some factory, but I know how mistaken they are as to the source. HERBERT    But you had apparently only uncovered part of the thing?  EDWARD    I guess the acid found its way back to the rest of it. Scene 18.    CHARLES    People also talk about the hideous noise which came at roughly the same time from some disordered water-pipe or gas main underground - but again I could correct them if I dared. RANDOLPH    It was unspeakably shocking, and I do not see how I lived through it. I did faint after emptying the fourth carboy; but when I recovered I saw that the hole was emitting no fresh vapours. CHARLES    I dragged him away and we waited until the fumes cleared.  We still emptied the rest of the acid down the hole, just to be on the safe side. RANDOLPH    The dampness was less foetid, and all the strange fungi had withered to a kind of harmless greyish powder which blew ashlike along the floor. HERBERT    Probably from the fumes. RANDOLPH    One of earth's nethermost terrors had perished forever; and if there be a hell, it had received at last the daemon soul of an unhallowed thing. And as I patted down the last spadeful of mould, I shed the first of many tears with which I have paid unaffected tribute to my beloved uncle's memory. EDWARD    But what was it?  What did he say he saw? CHARLES    Keep in mind that at two feet diameter, this cylinder would have made a very stocky man indeed. RICHARD    Portly, even. HERBERT    And difficult to double up that way, once obesity set in. EDWARD    What was it? CHARLES    Again, I never saw it, and only have Randolph's rather addled ideas to go by.  And he insisted that if it had lain there all those centuries, eating and growing, it could be any sort of size. EDWARD    And? CHARLES    He said this thing - this huge bent thing- was ... the creature's ...elbow. [moment of silence] EDWARD    [snickering] what? CHARLES    His words, not mine. EDWARD    But if it grew when fed, wouldn’t it have shrunk when starved?  It should have been tiny. WARREN    Unless by devouring Charles's uncle - Oh, I say, I'm sorry - but perhaps that would have returned it to its... ahem ... former glory? HERBERT    It's ridiculous.  I was perfectly willing to consider the possible existence of some such thing, but quite apart form the inanity of a thing which grows so large that it COULD achieve such stature - there's a simple issue of displacement of earth! CHARLES    I expect it happened very very slowly. RICHARD    Not to mention that if something that size were its elbow, its entire body would have been underneath most of the neighborhood.  Why then, would it restrict itself to harming only those in that single house? WARREN    True. If it were going to have a single area to draw sustenance from, you might think it would be centered on, say, the mouth.  EDWARD    Yeah.  No one who's anyone eats with their elbow. CHARLES    [annoyed sigh] I'll make a point of telling Randolph the next time I see him. END

More with the fourth dimensional shimmy!

Adapted by Julie Hoverson from the story by H.P. Lovecraft Herbert finally has his turn and recounts a tale of mad science. Cast List Herbert - Carl Cubbedge Warren - Glen Hallstrom Charles - Michael Coleman (Tales of the Extraordinary) Richard - Philemon Vanderbeck Edward - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Tillinghast - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero FIS) "Howard" - Russell Gold Music by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Julie Hoverson and Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's the scene of a tragic event, can't you tell?" ***************************************************************** FROM BEYOND (Lovecraft 5, #5) Cast: Herbert, a scientist Edward, a writer Charles, a dilettante Richard, a painter Warren, a professor Tillinghast, professor "Howard", friend OLIVIA     [opening credits] Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's the scene of a tragic event, can't you tell?  MUSIC 1_BnE AMB    OUTSIDE, NIGHT SOUND    FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL HERBERT    I'm sure you'll understand why I waited until after dinner to bring us all here.  CHARLES    That was dinner?  EDWARD    Even I can't say anything good about it. HERBERT    Food should be used as fuel, nothing more.  Nutritionally-- RICHARD     Next, he'll be giving us the chemical notations. WARREN    Buck up - we can't all be epicures like you, Charles.  And this little walking tour has piqued my interest.  I take it we have reached our destination, Herbert? HERBERT    Yes.  This is the house of the late Crawford Tillinghast. RICHARD    Late lamented? HERBERT    Hmph.  Doubtful.  We'd better get inside rather quickly, though.  Don't want the police to find us here. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS ON GRASS EDWARD    [interested] Really? HERBERT    A fortnight ago, Tillinghast died... under rather mysterious circumstances. RICHARD    A friend of yours? HERBERT    Vaguest of acquaintances.  I might have recognized him if I met him on the street.  Might not.  But he was a fellow scientist... [disapproving] of a sort. SOUND    FEET ON PORCH, LEATHER BAG SET DOWN HERBERT    There should be no danger, now. CHARLES    [not quite serious] Danger? HERBERT    But the power should probably remain off, so I've brought along a couple of electric torches. SOUND    RUMMAGING IN BAG HERBERT    Don’t turn them on until we’re inside. Just in case. EDWARD    You said danger? HERBERT    To be precise, I said "no danger".  The machine that caused all the trouble is supposed to have been disabled, according to the only witness, and people have been in and out of the place - I say people, but I mean police - for days, without event. WARREN    Ah - so there is a witness? SOUND    DOORKNOB RATTLES HERBERT    Another acquaintance.  Someone I know rather better.  Neither of them is really in my field - I work more in biology and chemistry - but we have spoken from time to time when mutual interests converged. CHARLES    Are we going to go inside or stand on the porch all day like milk bottles? SOUND    ANOTHER JIGGLE AT THE DOOR HERBERT    Most doors are fairly easy to-- aha! SOUND    HARD SMACK, DOOR CREAKS OPEN EDWARD    If science doesn't pay, Herbert, you can always turn to crime. RICHARD    Aren't the neighbors likely to notice? HERBERT    The yard is large and the hedges are overgrown. CHARLES    What's the worst that can happen, eh? EDWARD    Criminal prosecution? RICHARD    [amused] Adds spice to a reputation.  Go on, Herbert, we're right behind you. 2_inside SOUND    FLASHLIGHT CLICKS ON, SLOW FOOTSTEPS HERBERT    We need to go on through and up to the attic. SOUND    SECOND FLASHLIGHT CLICKS ON WARREN    There are likely stairs that go up from the kitchen.  Many old houses had them, depending on the prevalence of servants in the household.  CHARLES    Oh? WARREN     Servants, you see, would sleep in the attic, and the masters didn’t want them traipsing up and down the main hallways at all hours of the night-- HERBERT    That's all very well, and Tillinghast did have servants, but I have a reason for wanting to go through the front hall.  Something the witness mentioned, that I wanted to observe for myself. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS STOP, DOOR SHUTS EDWARD    Does he have a name? HERBERT    He? Who? EDWARD    Your witness.  You can hardly call him "the witness" all night long - take my word, nameless characters are much more difficult to sympathize with. HERBERT    He asked that I not mention-- CHARLES    We'll give him a name then.  Something to call him - for convenience. EDWARD     And personalization. HERBERT    [exasperated] You expect me to come up with something? EDWARD    Oh, this is one of my areas.  How about Wilbur?  Philip?  Howard? HERBERT    Howard should be easy enough to remember.  Shall we continue? CHARLES    Do we get the grand tour? WARREN    You said there was a reason for us to go through the front hall? HERBERT    Yes.  As I said, "Howard" is a fellow scientist.  He was a friend - rather unfortunately - to the owner of this house, one Crawford Tillinghast. RICHARD    The "Late" one? EDWARD    And you said he was a scientist as well? HERBERT    [disparaging] Of a sort.  Some people really should never take up science.  Half the time you can't get anyone to pay attention to your work, and when they do, they can't offer a better opinion than to insist that you're mad. RICHARD    [taunting] Personal experience? HERBERT     [snappish] Of course.  [starting slow, but getting sort of rabid]  But just as often it has nothing to do with the validity of your theories - it's merely a mind game!  [almost furious] A well-placed blow to a scientist's ego can shatter him - send him completely to pieces, leaving the way clear for lesser men to step in and claim victory! EDWARD    Goodness!  HERBERT    [still mad] Or there’s always the type of smear campaign that Edison waged against Tesla! CHARLES    Good for you, Herbert.  Never thought you had that kind of fire in you. RICHARD    [murmured] Remind me never to criticize anything scientific around him. WARREN    Does all this apply to the story somehow? HERBERT    [suddenly snapped back]  The story?  Oh, yes.  The story.  Well.  [clears his throat]  Crawford and Howard didn't work together - their expertise fell into very different categories. But they were friends.  [getting a little distant] At least they were until the day when Howard made the mistake - and I believe he had no ulterior motive, unlike some - of criticizing Crawford's theories. EDWARD    Oh, boy! HERBERT    Crawford threw him out, with a warning never to darken his door again. RICHARD    This door, or the one in front? HERBERT    [irritated] His metaphorical door.  CHARLES    Sorry to be an annoyance, since you're just starting to warm up, but isn’t there a better place for this yarn than standing around a dark, musty old kitchen? HERBERT    Of course.  Come along. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS HERBERT    The parlor should be through here somewhere.  EDWARD    [a bit spooky] The very parlor where they sat and smoked and told their tales of science... until that fateful day! HERBERT    [dry] Very likely. EDWARD    [annoyed at not getting a rise] Hmph. WARREN     It's awfully dusty in here for a house left unoccupied a mere week.  Didn't you say this Tillinghast fellow had servants?  RICHARD    It is an awfully large house for one man. CHARLES    Thus speaketh the Pot. [calling the kettle black] HERBERT    He had servants.  They've been ... absent for a while - Howard wasn't very clear on that. SOUND    DOOR PUSHED OPEN, FOOTSTEPS 3_garments EDWARD    Hold up a minute.  What's this? CHARLES    If you weren't in the way, I might be able to answer you.  Too damn bad there's no proper lights. SOUND    SCUFFLE OF FEET RICHARD    It's a woman's dress.  Just lying there.  How ... odd? EDWARD    Confess, Herbert - does your story involve panderers?  White slavers? HERBERT    [disgusted]  No!  Such distractions have no place in a story of science. CHARLES    Is it damaged at all?  RICHARD    Not as far as I can see, but I'm hardly the expert.  [beat] Unless it's actually shredded and bloody, which this one most certainly is not, one dress looks much like another to me. WARREN    Move aside, you high-minded gentlemen.  I'm quite used to poking about in people's personal belongings. CHARLES    I can't help but feel there's a wee bit of difference between your ancient Mesopotamian and your modern old maid. SOUND    RUSTLING WARREN    How odd.  From a cursory examination, it appear that all the -ahem- internal garments are still arrayed -uh- within. EDWARD    I may be a mere tiro [novice], but even I know no woman removes her clothes that way. CHARLES    It'd be damn inconvenient.  [clears his throat]  For the woman, I mean.  Think of all the rebuttoning. HERBERT    [annoyed] I thought you all wanted to sit.  CHARLES    Of course.  EDWARD    We're easily distracted by oddities. RICHARD    [amused snort] and women's undergarments, apparently. SOUND    FEET, DOOR, SITTING 4_sitting HERBERT    You understand now why I couldn't provide any of the amenities we usually have on these story nights.  CHARLES    Of course.  [chuckling]  Someone would have had to carry the picnic hamper. EDWARD    [agreeing] Not the best accessory for breaking and entering. CHARLES    Does that heap of crinoline have something to do with your story? HERBERT    Well technically, it's evidence, but police have a tendency to ignore anything that they can't explain. EDWARD    Evidence?  Really?  HERBERT    Point of fact, one week ago, there was an unexplained death in this house. EDWARD    Presumably NOT "Howard", since he's the one who told you all about it? HERBERT    Of course not.  It was Tillinghast.  Howard was present.  That's one reason he doesn't want his name bandied about.  He doesn't want to get the police started up again. CHARLES    Did your friend... kill Tillinghast? HERBERT    You'll have to weigh the facts and decide for yourself. RICHARD    "All will become known", eh? HERBERT    Yes.  "Howard" had been persona non grata in the house for several weeks before the night of the death.  Tillinghast ran him out for daring to question his line of research.  EDWARD    Which was? CHARLES    You never did go into that. HERBERT    Tillinghast was experimenting with variations on light waves and their effects on perception.  Or something along those lines.  Howard wasn't entirely clear in his description.  RICHARD    [sarcastic] Unclear? After witnessing - if not causing - a death?  Small wonder. HERBERT    He arrived that night to find the house much as it is now.  Seemingly unoccupied, and without electricity. EDWARD    Even then?  How odd. HERBERT    It was kept "off" by logical decision, not due to any defect in the system.  Howard had spent the intervening weeks-- CHARLES    Since his fall into disfavor? HERBERT    --keeping tabs on his erstwhile friend, by way of the butler. WARREN    So there were servants. HERBERT    At least two.  Howard mentioned the butler and some sort of housekeeper, and his surprise that they were not present to greet him when he arrived. RICHARD    Why did he come back?  HERBERT    Tillinghast had specifically sent for him.  Howard assumed it was an attempt at reconciliation. EDWARD    [inviting] But...? HERBERT    He had been kept informed of Tillinghast's growing obsession with a machine in the attic, some apparatus he was perfecting, to the exclusion of all else - eating little and sleeping even less. CHARLES    Up in the attic?  Right up there? HERBERT    Of course. WARREN    Hmm... are we in any danger from this machine? HERBERT    [bland] I can’t think why.  [back to the story]  Howard was shocked at the appearance of his friend.  How he had changed. RICHARD    It had been some time, hadn't it? HERBERT    A mere ten weeks.  But he had lost weight, grown rather sallow, and looked feverish. EDWARD    Classic signs of madness... at least in the better sort of stories. HERBERT    And his hair had gone white-- CHARLES    Really now Herbert, you of all people, as a scientist, must know that is an old wives' tale-- HERBERT    [overriding] White at the roots.  Of course it isn't empiracly possible for the current growth of hair to change color overnight-- RICHARD    A touch of indigo can send it in the other direction. HERBERT    But shock can alter the follicles and any growth from that point forward may be affected.  EDWARD    So he had had some sort of a shock, but some time back, to make the roots noticeable. HERBERT    Tillinghast was not the right type to be a scientist - he didn't have the mental fortitude necessary to face down the possible effects of his actions. CHARLES    Had he actually gone mad? HERBERT    Who can define madness?  But he had come to some penultimate discovery.  To this end, he had entreated Howard to pay him a visit, in order that he might share what he'd achieved. WARREN    A bit of "I told you so" RICHARD    Best served cold. [as in "revenge"] 5_tillinghast TILLINGHAST    What do we know of the world and the universe about us?  We see things only as we are constructed to see them, and can gain no idea of their absolute nature. RICHARD    Perception is a hotly debated concept in art as well - look at the work being done by the surrealists. CHARLES    Or, god forbid, dada. RICHARD    That's not art. TILLINGHAST    With five feeble senses we pretend to comprehend the boundlessly complex cosmos, yet other beings with wider, stronger, or different range of senses might not only see very differently the things we see, but might see and study whole worlds of matter, energy, and life which lie close at hand, yet can never be detected with the senses we have. EDWARD    I can't even imagine a sense I don't have.  It's like trying to imagine a colour you've never seen before.  Or trying to think around a corner. TILLINGHAST    I have always believed that such strange, inaccessible worlds exist at our very elbows, and now I believe I have found a way to break down the barriers! HERBERT    Howard says Tillinghast seemed absolutely assured of his conclusions, and he feared for his friend's sanity. WARREN    Why break down these barriers?  Shouldn't he have considered that they may be present for a very good reason? Always assuming he has any sort of method behind his madness? HERBERT    It is the duty of any scientist to go beyond and figure out what may lay outside the current realm of the probable. CHARLES    But what if such an exploration should do great harm?  Isn't it also the duty of any scientist to have a bit of accountability? HERBERT    [dismissive] Of course.  But some risks must be taken.  EDWARD    So if someone created a devastating bomb, for instance, in the name of science, it wouldn't matter how many people it killed- the very act of being able to make it would justify the science involved? HERBERT    Of course. WARREN    Just as well that we aren't here to discuss theoretical morality.  Besides, this is just a story, isn’t it? HERBERT    No.  This really happened. WARREN    Sorry, what I mean is, for us, this is merely a night's entertainment.  HERBERT    Oh.  Of course.  Tillinghast went on, in that awful "croaking, wasted voice." EDWARD    Howard's words? TILLINGHAST    I am not joking. Within twenty-four hours that machine near the table will generate waves acting on unrecognized sense organs that exist in us as atrophied or rudimentary vestiges. 6_organs EDWARD    Science fiction.  Pure and simple. HERBERT    Not necessarily.  Many organs remain in the body despite centuries of evolution having rendered them obsolete for whatever purpose they may have once had in primitive man. CHARLES    The appendix? HERBERT    As a simplistic example, yes.  At some point in the distant past, it served a purpose.  Now, it is merely an accessory. RICHARD    Like footmen. CHARLES    Rather. HERBERT    Howard surmised that while Tillinghast had probably not forgiven him, he needed SOMEONE to talk to, and Howard was the most likely candidate, having been privy to some of his theories previously. EDWARD    And he arrived to find the place dark and empty? HERBERT    Well, he mentioned candles. EDWARD    More gothic yet! CHARLES    Why did Howard come anyway?  Wasn't he worried about some kind of remonstrances? HERBERT    [as if this explains]  Intellectual curiousity.  [dismissive] And wanting to see how his friend fared.  The handwriting in the summoning letter had been feeble and cramped. EDWARD    Even his ink had turned white! CHARLES    Hush. 7_machines HERBERT    Howard asked about the electricity and was told, in no uncertain terms, that it was off for a very definite reason, but was not informed what that reason might be.  Yet. TILLINGHAST    [muttered] It would be too much... I would not dare. HERBERT    He led Howard up through the house to the attic, which was lit with a sickly sinister violet light. WARREN    But not electric light? HERBERT    It came from the machine that was at the center of all the controversy.  Howard described it as "detestable," but machines should really not be regarded so subjectively. RICHARD    There are plenty of machines that are detestable. HERBERT    Name one? RICHARD    [very dry and sarcastic] Tammany Hall. [notorious "political machine" of the recent past] ALL    [general laughter] EDWARD    Now, now - we all use machines that would have been thought terrible in years gone by.  I would be lost without my typewriter, Richard takes the occasional photograph-- RICHARD    Backgrounds.  For my paintings.  Nothing I hate more than having to stand around on some windy heath - or god forbid, some tourist-laden beauty spot - just to capture a scene. CHARLES    I'm quite fond of my Victrola. WARREN    Most of these would have been considered magic by ancient man, and either embraced or reviled depending upon the climate of the times. HERBERT    Perception is subjective.  That's part of what makes science such a difficult field for men such as Tillinghast. EDWARD    Determined not to lose your thread, eh? HERBERT    The electrical system was out of the picture entirely.  And yet some kind of power seemed to be in operation, since the machine was lit. TILLINGHAST    The glow... ah yes, the glow.  It is not electrical - not in any sense you could understand.  But you will see soon enough. CHARLES    Curiousity or not, I don't know that I would choose to remain alone in a big, dark empty house with someone who sounded so ... ominous. HERBERT    That is the difference between the run of normal folk and the scientist.  The mind of the scientist puts knowledge even above...  above--- WARREN    Self-preservation? HERBERT    I was looking more for "subjective fear responses". EDWARD    I suspect that's why there are so many dead scientists. RICHARD    And so few old ones. 8_colors CHARLES    Now, now, this is a lovely tale.  Stop putting Herbert off.  HERBERT    Please.  Tillinghast seated Howard near the machine and turned it on.  Now the sound began, indicating that it was running.  And the light... changed.  EDWARD    From port to starboard? HERBERT    It had been a strange purplish color, but now it increased, then waned, and settled on a pale color or blend of colors that Howard was unable to adequately describe. EDWARD    What did I say?  Colors. WARREN    But isn't there a very definite and specific set of colors that exist in the spectrum? RICHARD    Any painter can tell you that, yet there are shades and blendings that are particularly difficult to achieve - or to reproduce.  It all depends on the purity of your pigments. HERBERT    What we think of as "normal light" is absolutely pure when it comes to color.  And yet, it is not the absence of hue.  Just look at it through a prism. TILLINGHAST    [whispered] Do you know what that is?  That is ultra-violet.  [creepy chuckle] You thought ultra-violet was invisible, and so it is - but you can see that and many other invisible things now. EDWARD    Isn’t ultraviolet at the far end of the spectrum?  Our eyes aren't made for that. HERBERT    [ominous] Precisely. CHARLES    Oh-ho? HERBERT    Tillinghast claimed that the machine's function was to open up long-dormant senses, to widen the perceptions, and make visible that which is normally completely unseen. WARREN    So he claimed that, in a few moments, he could reverse aeons-- CHARLES    Theoretical aeons. WARREN    --of evolution-- EDWARD    Theoretical evolution. WARREN    --and waken senses that might only exist in his imagination? HERBERT    Yes. WARREN    Oh. RICHARD    It might equate, though only in an abstract way, with the change in art when perspective was discovered - or rather quantified.  HERBERT    What? RICHARD    If you look at ancient art, from cave paintings up through medieval tapestries, there is no standard for perspective - no logical depth.  With the renaissance, and daVinci, art began to develop systematically into the third dimension. EDWARD    What are you talking about? RICHARD    A revolutionary change in vision?  Never mind. TILLINGHAST    Listen to me! The waves from that thing are waking a thousand sleeping senses in us! I have seen the truth, and I intend to show it to you. 9_upstairs HERBERT    In fact, I think it well past time to show you. CHARLES    Show? HERBERT    The machine.  It's disabled, but you can see the room where everything occurred. RICHARD    [speculative] Get some ambiance. EDWARD    [avid] Background color. WARREN    Perspective. RICHARD    [laughs] SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, DOOR TILLINGHAST    You have heard of the pineal gland? I laugh at the shallow endocrinologist, fellow-dupe and fellow-parvenu of the Freudian. HERBERT    Come along. TILLINGHAST    That gland is the great sense organ of organs - I have found out!  It is like sight in the end, and transmits visual pictures to the brain. If you are normal, that is the way you ought to get most of it... I mean get most of the evidence... from beyond. SOUND    CREAKY DOOR OPENS CHARLES    Aha.  The scene of the crime? WARREN    Is there room for everyone? RICHARD    Just shove in. HERBERT    Go on.  It's bigger inside.  SOUND    SHUTS THE DOOR 10_the room HERBERT    Howard said that once the machine got up to speed, he began to "see" things.  HOWARD    I fancied myself in some vast incredible temple with innumerable black stone columns reaching up from a floor of damp slabs to a cloudy height beyond the range of vision. The picture was very vivid for a while, but gradually gave way to a more horrible conception; that of utter, absolute solitude in infinite, sightless, soundless space. EDWARD    Sounds like a bit of a poet. RICHARD    For a scientist. HOWARD    From the farthermost regions of remoteness, a sound softly glided into existence. It was infinitely faint, subtly vibrant, and unmistakably musical, but held a quality of surpassing wildness which made it feel like a delicate torture of my entire body. WARREN    There are certain note progressions which are determined to cause odd feelings.  Stravinsky's Rite of Spring incited a riot at its debut due to the effect of the wild discords upon its audience.   HERBERT    When Howard spoke, though, the "spell" - and I use the term to mean a period of hallucination, and not for any magical connotations - was broken.  SOUND     FOOTSTEPS, FIDDLING WITH MACHINE HERBERT    I should also mention that during this momentary lapse of concentration, Howard had drawn his revolver. CHARLES    Ayuh.  That might be a little important later.  I was looking over your machine here.  It appears to be damaged. HERBERT    I already told you it was disabled.  That is why we are in no danger.  Unlike Howard. TILLINGHAST    Don't move!    For in these rays we are able to be seen as well as to see.  I told you the servants left, but I didn't tell you how.  It was that thick-witted house-keeper - she turned on the lights downstairs after I had warned her not to, and the wires picked up sympathetic vibrations. CHARLES    Downstairs? Oh! TILLINGHAST    It must have been frightful - I could hear the screams all the way up here in spite of all I was seeing and hearing from another direction, and later it was rather ...awful... to find those empty heaps of clothes around the house.  EDWARD    Those clothes! TILLINGHAST    Mrs. Updike's clothes were close to the front hall switch - that's how I know she did it. WARREN    [awe] As if she was just taken out of them. TILLINGHAST    It got them all. But so long as we don't move we're fairly safe. Remember we're dealing with a hideous world in which we are practically helpless... [suddenly sharp] Keep still! HOWARD    In my terror my mind again opened to the impressions coming "from beyond."  I felt huge animate things brushing past me and walking or drifting through my supposedly solid body.  11_things HERBERT    Before you scoff, you have to understand that most of what we think of as "solid matter" is merely solid on a very crude level.  Individual molecules are only loosely bound together-- EDWARD    Is there going to be a test later? HOWARD    I thought I saw Tillinghast look at these things as though his better trained senses could catch them visually. TILLINGHAST    You see them? You see them? You see the things that float and flop about you and through you every moment of your life?  Have I not succeeded in breaking down the barrier?  Have I not shown you worlds that no other living men have seen? CHARLES    I don't think it's just barriers that were breakin' down. HERBERT    [smug] As I said.  Some people are not meant for the hard discipline of science. EDWARD    But he says these things could harm them?  Could have some effect just because they - the scientists - could now see them?  WARREN    That's ridiculous.  Like saying that if someone is blind, he won't get hit by a motorcar. RICHARD    [regretfully]  No.  If someone is blind, he gets hired as an art reviewer. TILLINGHAST    You think those floundering things wiped out the servants? Fool! They are harmless! But the servants are gone, aren't they? CHARLES    Maybe they took a new position in a house with the power laid on. EDWARD    The clothes, though. TILLINGHAST    You tried to stop me! You discouraged me when I needed every drop of encouragement I could get! you were afraid of the cosmic truth, you damned coward, but now I've got you! EDWARD    This room would be a little small for a confrontation with a raving lunatic. RICHARD    Particularly one who insisted that if you move a muscle, something terrible might grab you from behind. CHARLES    Rather like posing for one of your portraits. RICHARD    [dark] That's why I don't include people. TILLINGHAST    What swept up the servants? What made them scream so loud?... Don't know, eh! You'll know soon enough. WARREN    Isn't it a bit warm in here? HERBERT    We're almost finished.  I promised Howard I would look for something at the other end of the attic.  EDWARD    [worried] You're taking the torch? HERBERT    I can hardly search in the dark.  Besides, you have the other one. SOUND    HE WALKS AWAY HERBERT    [as he goes away, echoey] The oddest part is how Tillinghast somehow shifted his focus, from the things immediately surrounding us to things far beyond. 12_Herbert goes TILLINGHAST    I have seen beyond the bounds of infinity and drawn down demons from the stars... Space belongs to me, do you hear?  Things are hunting me now - the things that devour and dissolve - but I know how to elude them. It is you they will get, as they got the servants... [urgent] Stirring, dear sir? [relax] If you had moved, they would have been at you long ago. HOWARD    These things were never still, but seemed ever floating about with some malignant purpose. Sometimes they appeared to devour one another, the attacker launching itself at its victim and instantaneously obliterating the latter from sight. Shudderingly I felt that I knew what had obliterated the unfortunate servants. TILLINGHAST    Don't worry, they won't "hurt" you. They didn't "hurt" the servants - it was the seeing that made the poor devils scream so. My pets are not pretty, for they come out of places where aesthetic standards are - very different. RICHARD    [very weak joke, a bit nervous]  Hollywood? HERBERT    [from off] I'm going to check downstairs.  Be right back. SOUND    FEET GO DOWN STAIRS HOWARD    Foremost among the living objects were inky, jellyfish monstrosities which flabbily quivered in harmony with the vibrations from the machine. TILLINGHAST    I always knew you were no scientist. Trembling, eh? Trembling with anxiety to see the ultimate things I have discovered? HOWARD    I saw to my horror that they overlapped; that they were semi-fluid and capable of passing through one another and through what we know as solids. TILLINGHAST    Why don't you move, then?  Tired?  Well, don't worry, my friend, for they are coming... Look, look!  Curse you, look... it's just over your left shoulder... [moment of silence] SOUND    CLICK ALL    [gasp] CHARLES    [straining to sound calm and annoyed] Turn the torch back on, Edward. EDWARD    I didn't! RICHARD    [flat] Funny.  WARREN    [a bit odd] Do ... you see that? SOUND    SCUFFLE, FEET TURNING - they see it glowing RICHARD    Good god! EDWARD    I can't tell if it's actually-- WARREN    [whisper] Barely there.... CHARLES    [trying to stay calm] This might be a time to shut the eyes. SOUND    FEET COME UP STAIRS ALL    [GASP] 13_jump scare HERBERT    Why are you standing here in the dark? CHARLES    [crisp, overcompensating] Flashlight died.  RICHARD    Let's go downstairs.  SOUND    THEY GO DOWNSTAIRS CHARLES    Did you find what you were looking for? HERBERT    No.  Looks like the police confiscated everything of any interest. WARREN    Except - um - the machine. HERBERT    Ah.  I almost forgot the end of the story. Howard was arrested, and held on suspicion.  You see, there was a gunshot and the police were called. WARREN    I see.  That’s how the police come to be a factor. HERBERT    Yes.  They burst in, and found Howard with a recently-fired gun standing over the prostrate body of his fellow scientist. CHARLES    As clear as a tableau in a wax museum. RICHARD    But he didn’t shoot him? You said he’s no longer under arrest. HERBERT    It wasn’t until the police physician examined Tillinghast’s body that they let him go.  EDWARD    Was it one of the creatures that killed him?  And maybe Howard shot IT? RICHARD    I feel a painting coming on. HERBERT    The physician determined that Tillnghast had perished-- [dragging it out] WARREN    Yes? HERBERT    Of apoplexy. CHARLES    Ah, the classics. WARREN    But the gun? HERBERT    You saw what happened.  Howard shot the machine.  That’s why it’s broken like that.  Too bad.  Would have been interesting to examine.  RICHARD    [wry hinting] But it’s not COMPLETELY broken, is it? EDWARD    Yeah, that was a good one, Herbert.  [laughs, but a bit uneasy]  CHARLES    [fake laugh] ha-ha.  Ayup.  Good joke. WARREN    H-how did you get it to do that, anyway? SOUND    FEET STOP HERBERT    [not joking - really doesn’t know what they’re talking about] Do what? END

A burlesque dancer develops a tesseracting hip twist!

Adapted by Julie Hoverson from the story "The Facts Concerning the Late Arthur Jermyn and his Family" by H.P. Lovecraft The "Lovecraft 5" - Warren, Herbert, Charles, Edward, and Richard - gather again for another night of tall tales.  Tonight, Warren regales the group with a history of a noble house that ... went downhill. Cast List Warren - Glen Hallstrom Charles - Michael Coleman (Tales of the Extraordinary) Richard - Philemon Vanderbeck Edward - Bryan Hendricksen Herbert - Carl Cubbedge M. Verhaeren - Domien De Groot (The Witch Hunter Chronicles) Mwanu - Danar Hoverson Soames - Ayoub Khote Music by  Skidmore College Orchestra, found on MusOpen Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a private dining room at a well-known New England University, can't you tell?" ************************************************************** The Facts Concerning.... Cast: Warren Herbert Charles Edward Richard Verhaeren Mwanu Soames OLIVIA     What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a private dining room in a college faculty wing, can't you tell?  MUSIC 1_dinner SOUND     DINNER ENDING SOUND    WINDOWS ARE OPEN, MUSIC IN THE DISTANCE WARREN    So nice to have you all here.  The weather has been so mild, I feared it would destroy any atmosphere I might have expected for my story.  And the orchestra would be in rehearsal.  RICHARD    At least it's rather somber.  HERBERT    A clear day can mean a darker night.  RICHARD    True. HERBERT    Depending on the phase of the moon. CHARLES    Yes.  Well, the dinner was-- EDWARD    Passable. RICHARD    Oh!  Faint praise indeed, coming from our resident starving writer. WARREN    Do you know, I believe the college's food plan is quite brililant! EDWARD    Brilliant?  Are they strapped for economy? WARREN    You see, the food is precisely enough to sustain life, but without anything so extravagant as taste, which might take one's mind off one's studies. HERBERT    I found it perfectly adequate. CHARLES    But very little in this world will take your mind off your science, Herbert. EDWARD    How about having the studies take our mind off the food then?  We came for a story. RICHARD    And I perceive a box on the table behind you which does not match the décor - or the amount of dust - in this room. WARREN    [chuckles] You artists notice everything.  Though your comment on dust surprises me - after seeing your "house". RICHARD    It "does things" for me.  Inspiration. HERBERT    At least this place, while old, is well maintained. WARREN    Not so old as all that.  The dining hall wing wasn't built until 1804.  Very recent, comparatively.  But my story. 2_the box SOUND    CARDBOARD BOX MOVED WARREN    I warn you I have a little idea as to presentation - after that night at your place, Richard, I wanted something unique-- HERBERT    Don't expect anything like that from me.  CHARLES    Don't worry.  We don't. WARREN    I have this rather long history to my tale, you see, and I know I tend to wax a bit pedantic, so I thought I would help to set certain facts in the mind by beginning with a bit of a game. EDWARD    I'm game.  Is it questions, again? WARREN    No.  I have a small description written for each of the major players in the history of the story, and thought I might give one to each of you - well, each of us, for I include myself - to portray.  It would help keep them all straight. CHARLES    Is it necessary to keep them straight? WARREN    I think it will help make the history flow.  It's a technique of acting out history used to great advantage by Mrs. Schartz-Mettaklume [reference to a comedic story by Saki], a fellow teacher here. HERBERT    [disparaging] Amateur dramatics? WARREN    Oh, you needn't do more than read from the card.  I don't expect strutting about and soliloquizing. CHARLES    [declaring] It sounds amusing. EDWARD    I'm in. RICHARD    You may be in for more than you expected, old pal. SOUND    PASSING OUT CARDS WARREN    Good, then.  Let's see - Herbert, here, then Charles, Edward, and Richard.  The cards have only the basics on each of the fellows - they're generations in a single family, you see - and the back side is a name plate, to aid in recalling who is who. HERBERT    [sour] Charming.  [after a pause]  You're staring.  Am I supposed to begin? CHARLES    I could go first.  EDWARD    [reading his card]  Oh, no!  Let me! WARREN    No, no, I will begin the tale, and then we'll go around the table.  You will be second, though, Herbert. HERBERT    At least it will be over with early. RICHARD    That must mean I am the climax of the tale! EDWARD    Oh, you got nothing on me.  Just wait. 3_Sir Wade WARREN    Ahem.  We begin with Sir Wade Jermyn.  [reading, putting on a bit of a British accent] I was one of the earliest explorers of the Congo region, and had written eruditely of its tribes, animals, and supposed antiquities. RICHARD    Are we supposed to be British?  You haven't really given us any background. WARREN    Oh, yes.  The Jermyn family was part of a well-respected house in England, though it has ...um... died out. CHARLES    So these are not only brits, but long-dead brits?  Are we doing Shakespeare? WARREN    We needn't worry about accents. HERBERT    I should say not. WARREN    I don't want to lose my place or I might have to start again.  "Indeed, my innovative conjectures on a prehistoric white Congolese civilisation were the basis for my book, "Observation on the Several Parts of Africa," published in 1765.  I, fearless adventurer that I once had been, was then placed in a madhouse." HERBERT    That sounds a bit promising.  Madness is quite fascinating. WARREN    I have a strong hope that there will be details in this story to intrigue you, Herbert.  Have you ever looked into the study of ethnology? HERBERT    Hmm...  Should I read now? CHARLES    History first.  Quick precis. WARREN    Well, this family - the Jermyns, are not German [chuckle], but British.  And there's this - the history of the family is quite interesting, but it ended recently with the death of the final generation - a son - just one - who... uh... set himself on fire when he discovered something about his heritage. EDWARD    He set himself on fire?  RICHARD    Now I'm interested. CHARLES    You've got our attention. HERBERT    It's not some simple defect like a harelip?  A club foot?  WARREN    Much more than that.  Let's begin again.  [quick recap] I am Sir Wade Jermyn, famous explorer of the Congo region.  I wrote a book, and went mad. now... 4_philip HERBERT    Me next, I suppose?  [not really trying]  This one is Sir Wade's son, Philip. WARREN    Sir Philip. HERBERT    "Philip was a highly peculiar person. His appearance and conduct were in many particulars so coarse that he was universally shunned. Though he did not inherit his father's madness, he was densely stupid--" EDWARD    [laughs!] HERBERT    "--and given to periods of uncontrollable violence."  Is this supposed to be funny? WARREN    [baffled?] Funny? HERBERT    Did you give me this one on purpose? WARREN    Well, yes, but only because it was the shortest - I felt you'd have less interest in the dramatic and more in getting it over with. HERBERT    Hmph. CHARLES    Is that the sum of your wisdom, great sir Philip? HERBERT    No, there's more-- WARREN    I forgot to mention, it's just the first part now.  We'll come back to you. EDWARD    So Herbert is violent and stupid, what are YOU Charles? CHARLES    [hamming it up a bit]  I am Robert - Sir Robert - Jermyn, son of Philip and the daughter of his gamekeeper.  [offhand] They'll let anyone in, won't they?  Oh!  I am "Tall and fairly handsome, with a sort of weird Eastern grace.  A scholar and investigator, I studied scientifically the vast collection of relics which my mad grandfather brought from Africa. HERBERT    You should have given me the scientist.  At least I would know where I stand. CHARLES    Robert is an ethnologist and explorer, not a hard scientist. HERBERT    Even so. 5_alfred EDWARD    My turn!  I am Sir Alfred Jermyn, son of Nevil - wait, are we missing someone? WARREN    No, um Nevil is the son of Robert - you're Robert's grandson. EDWARD    Where's Nevil then? WARREN    He's um - we didn't have enough people.  I felt we could skip over Nevil - I'll fill in his details, should they become necessary. EDWARD    All right. WARREN    Don't worry - You'll like Alfred.  He ran away with the circus. EDWARD    What?  You're joking, right? WARREN    No, no - he actually literally ran away with the circus.  We'll come back to that. RICHARD    So I am Sir Arthur Jermyn.  Son of Alfred, the circus performer and a Music Hall singer.  [laughs]  And they blink at who we Americans decide to marry.  Arthur is a poet and a dreamer.  Oh, Warren, you had too much fun choosing who was to play what, didn't you?  "The poetic delicacy of Arthur Jermyn was the more remarkable because of his uncouth personal appearance. His expression, his facial angle, and the length of his arms gave a thrill of repulsion to those who met him for the first time." HERBERT    Sounds a bit like Abraham Lincoln. CHARLES    You know, it does.  How odd.  So now we know who we are.  What's next? 6_wade again WARREN    We go back to the beginning.  And that's me, Sir Wade.  Oh, first, there's been mention of the physical oddities that crept into the family line - I should state that before Sir Wade's time, portraits showed that the family was very typical of English nobility.  RICHARD    Chinless and pasty? CHARLES    Now now.  Every brit I've ever met has been perfectly nice. WARREN    You have to remember Sir Wade's era was the mid-18th century.  And there is no record of any physical issues, or madness before his time.  Or at least not out of the ordinary for the time and place. HERBERT    And state of medicine. WARREN    True.  Sir Wade made several trips to Africa, returning from one of those trips with a reclusive bride and new born son. EDWARD    And that's Herbert. HERBERT    Philip. WARREN    This bride was notable, for no one ever saw her - or at least not much of her.  She was supposed to have been the daughter of a Portuguese trader who despised English ways, and wouldn't have any English servants.  Wade  humored her, and put her up in a wing of her own at the estate, where no one saw her, or the child, but Wade himself. EDWARD    A woman who doesn't want go out to gossip or shop?  Quite a mythological figure. WARREN    His wife had accompanied him back from the second and longest of his trips, and left again with him on the third and final, never to return. RICHARD    But Wade returned - he hasn't yet gone mad.  We're all waiting for that. WARREN    The only thing ever said about the wife - even her name is left unrecorded - was that she had a violent disposition.  While they made the journey back to Africa, Wade would permit no one to care for his young son save a loathsome native woman from Guinea. EDWARD    This family sure knows how to pick their women, don't they? CHARLES    I notice you don't give names for any of them.  Funny how wives tend to be forgotten in these epic histories. WARREN    There's one among them, Arthur's mother herself, who was actually quite a fascinating character, and I might look further into her antecedents - but for the most part, the family made some odd choices, indeed. HERBERT    So far, I get the feeling that this is leading to a disquisition on eugenics, rather than on ethnology.  In other words, take a so-called "noble house" and marry in, generation after generation, people of dubious merits, and see how the line flows. WARREN    Well... that's a part of it. HERBERT    I'm rather surprised.  It is fascinating.  I've heard of similar experiments with rats - much easier to observe since their generations are months, rather than decades, apart.  And of course the difficulties of convincing a human family to participate. WARREN    I'm just pleased you're so enthusiastic.  Go ahead and read the second card, then. 7_second card HERBERT    Right.  [a bit more enthusiastically than the first time]  "As Philip grew out of infancy, his father started to avoid him, muttering wild stories about his encounters in Africa, but never making anything clear.  Philip grew up small but powerful, with incredible agility.  He married, but before his son was born, he joined the navy as a common sailor.  He made his way onto a merchantman in the African trade, and gained a reputation for feats of strength and climbing." EDWARD    Wait a minute - this is not gonna just turn into a big argument against intermarrying with native tribespeople, is it?  Was Wade's wife a Zulu or something? WARREN    Oh, no.  I would say that was surprisingly far from the point of the history, though you might well suspect it, since so much of the story centers around Africa.  But no, none of the individuals involved are Africans, tribal or otherwise. CHARLES    Interesting, I had a little idea about that myself. WARREN    Put it aside and let's finish with Philip. HERBERT    Ah, one last note.  Philip disappeared one night as the ship... what ship?  Ah, the merchantman.  As the ship lay off the Congo coast. EDWARD    Maybe he went looking for his mother - you said she went back to the Congo and never returned, right? RICHARD    And Philip was never heard from again? WARREN    More or less.  CHARLES    Oh? WARREN    Rumors.  We'll be there later. CHARLES    Me then? WARREN    Another short interlude - some details about Sir Wade's madness.  He spent a great deal of time at the local pub-- EDWARD    While avoiding his son? WARREN    Actually yes.  But he had a tendancy to rave while in his cups. RICHARD    Doesn't everyone? WARREN    And it was this rather - ahem - random talk that chiefly led his friends to deem him mad. He would often speak of wild sights and scenes under a Congo moon; of the gigantic walls and pillars of a forgotten city, crumbling and vine-grown, and of damp, silent, stone steps leading interminably down into the darkness of abysmal treasure-vaults and inconceivable catacombs. RICHARD    Oh!  Yes, I can see it.  I never really considered the artistic possibilities of Africa.  Hmm. WARREN    It was particularly unwise of him to rave of the strange creatures that populated such a city.  For he boasted of what he found in the jungle and of how he dwelt among terrible ruins and the creatures that inhabited them.   CHARLES    Little wonder he was locked away. WARREN    The wonder lay in that he showed no particular regret when being shut up.  In fact, he seemed to find the confinement comforting - as if something were being locked out, rather than he being locked in. EDWARD    Hmm.  I must make a note. 7_Robert CHARLES    Feel free.  It's my turn to reveal the next bit. WARREN    Oh, I should add that Robert broke the cycle and married a perfectly acceptable woman - a daughter of the seventh Viscount Brightholme - rather than following the - um - family tendency to pick entertainers and other... women at random. HERBERT    Did it help the line at all? WARREN    Actually, no.  Of the three children they had, two were never seen - they were kept locked away.  Presumably due to some hereditary defect.  HERBERT    [interested] Interesting. CHARLES    May I? WARREN    Oh, yes - go ahead. CHARLES    Now Philip is tall and handsome-- HERBERT    No, I'm Philip. You're my son Robert. CHARLES    Of course.  Robert was quite the scholar.  He scientifically studied - as best as possible in 1815 - the vast collection of relics which his mad grandfather - that's you, Warren, brought from Africa.  WARREN    It's really quite a pity, the way early explorers looted everything in sight.  All those things are of great historical value, and should be in the hands of researchers, not adorning trophy rooms. EDWARD    I read in the paper recently about someone selling a mummy at one of the big art auction houses.  Maybe the college should buy it. HERBERT    Most of the items that have spent time in personal collections are worthless anyway - in any scientific sense.  Without any provenance, there's no way to tell the real from the fake. WARREN    Precisely.  CHARLES    Can "Robert" get a word in edgewise? WARREN    So sorry.  Go on. CHARLES    Robert spent a great deal of time on his own expeditions into the interior of Africa.  In 1849, his second son, Nevil-- EDWARD    The non-deformed one? RICHARD    Non-deformed, but invisible. EDWARD    Maybe we should pull him up a chair. CHARLES    Nevil, a singularly repellent person, ran away with a vulgar dancer-- RICHARD    Another one! CHARLES    --but was pardoned upon his return in the following year. He came back a widower with an infant son, Alfred-- EDWARD    ta-da! CHARLES    Who was one day to be the father of Arthur Jermyn.   RICHARD    And I'm the one who set himself on fire? WARREN    We're not there yet.  But before we move on to Alfred, there's another tragic instance to recount.  Robert became a bit unhinged himself. CHARLES    Do I have a card for that? WARREN    Not really, I was just going to-- EDWARD    Get on with it. WARREN    An elderly man, Robert had spent years collecting the legends of the Onga tribe - native to the area of the expeditions taken by both Robert and his mad grandfather.  He expressed a desire to validate his grandfather's claims of a strange lost city, particularly one populated by the sort of creatures Wade used to rave about. HERBERT    Do you have any solid information about these creatures you keep hinting about? 8_crossbreeding WARREN    Not much, but accounts say Sir Wade made wild claims about a white tribe that had once lived in a stone city deep in the interior - though that, apparently, wasn't recent.  Others said that he claimed that while people built the city, it had been overrun with apes, but apes who were able to mix with the humans. HERBERT    Mix?  Are you talking getting together for tea, or interbreeding? WARREN    [flustered] It was - um - no details.   Um - that was someone's vague recollection in a journal, so it's anyone's best guess what Sir Wade actually said. HERBERT    Hmph.  Despite the persuasive nature of the evolutionary theory, there is no evidence that any strain of apes is close enough to humans to crossbreed. CHARLES    Crossbreeds aren't impossible.  Not with humans, of course, but there's always mules. EDWARD    I always pitied the donkey... WARREN    [loud clearing of throat] EDWARD    It's sort of like the Ooh-ah bird... WARREN    [louder clearing of throat]  EDWARD    Right. WARREN    So, through correspondence, Wade reached a fellow explorer, Samuel Seaton, who eventually made his way back to England and brought some interesting tales with him. RICHARD    How interesting? WARREN    No one knows. EDWARD    No one?  WARREN    Yes.  We can only conjecture from the effect it had on Sir Robert. HERBERT    Which was? WARREN    He went upstairs and killed all three of his children - Nevil and the two no one ever saw - before making every feasible attempt to kill himself. EDWARD    Holy cow! RICHARD    I thought you were one of the saner ones, Charles. CHARLES    Should I be killing someone now? HERBERT    "Every feasible attempt"? WARREN    He failed to end his own life and was locked away, dying two years later. HERBERT    What did the Seaton fellow say about it all? WARREN    Oh, nothing.  He was already dead - Robert strangled him first.  The only survivor was young Alfred.  It appeared that Nevil, for all his - um - EDWARD    Absentness? WARREN    Um - basically.  For all he lacked, he died in defense of his son.  And Alfred inherited the title before he could even walk. EDWARD    And he still ran away with the circus? HERBERT    Nothing survived of the information Seaton brought? WARREN    Pieces of correspondence survived.  Mostly notes of tales from the Onga tribe, who believed in a gray city peopled by white apes and ruled by a white god. EDWARD    [avid] My turn, right? WARREN    Almost. EDWARD    [disappointed noise] WARREN    I didn't think this would catch your fancy so well. CHARLES    It's quite an amusing idea, Warren.  Rather surprised, really. WARREN    Thank you.  [realizing] Oh. CHARLES    Pray continue. WARREN    Let's just move on to Edward - Um, Alfred. 9_circus EDWRD    [clears throat dramatically]  "Sir Alfred Jermyn was a baronet before his fourth birthday, but his tastes never matched his title.  At twenty he had joined a band of music-hall performers, and at thirty-six had deserted his wife and child to travel with an itinerant American circus. CHARLES    Quite apart from their tendency to marry beneath them, the men themselves tend to abscond, which doesn't speak much for nobility. HERBERT    An argument could be made that they're tainted from past generations. RICHARD     Or that rich men are just predisposed to be bastards - in the personality sense. EDWARD    [clears throat dramatically, hams it up]  "Alfred's end was very revolting!  Among the animals in the exhibition with which he travelled was a huge bull gorilla of lighter colour than the average." HERBERT    You mentioned something about white apes, didn't you?  Oh, no - it was a supposed white race in the interior.  Hmm... WARREN    [satisfied] And the apes that took over their city. HERBERT    Hmm. EDWARD    The beast was very popular among the performers. Alfred Jermyn was fascinated with this gorilla, and on many occasions the two would eye each other for long periods through the intervening bars. CHARLES    Sounds like he was a bit of- [realizing] oh! RICHARD    A what? CHARLES    [covering smoothly] Bit of an anthropologist himself. EDWARD    Alfred obtained permission to train the animal, astonishing audiences and fellow performers alike with his success. One morning, as the gorilla and Alfred were rehearsing an exceedingly clever boxing match, the beast hit him too hard. RICHARD    I thought it was kangaroos who were notable for boxing. CHARLES    Or orangutans - recall that odd story from out friend Auguste. EDWARD    I guess gorillas can box if they want to. RICHARD    What's next?  A female president? EDWARD    Of what followed, members of "The Greatest Show On Earth" do not like to speak. CHARLES    Oh, he was with Barnum!  Funny.  You never think of these tales happening in places you might actually have been. RICHARD    P.T. Barnum could hardly be called a place. CHARLES    You know what I mean. EDWARD    I know you keep interrupting me!  "They did not expect to hear Sir Alfred Jermyn emit a shrill, inhuman scream, or see him seize the gorilla with both hands, dash it to the floor of the cage, and bite fiendishly at its hairy throat. The gorilla retaliated and before anything could be done, the body which had belonged to a baronet was past recognition."  [taking a bow]  Thank you! Thank you very much!  CHARLES     There's one born every minute. [quoting Barnum] HERBERT    One what? CHARLES    Idiot who wants to box a wild animal, I suppose.  Well, Richard, I suppose you will be ending this little tale? a1_Arthur RICHARD    Am I? WARREN    Oh, just a moment...  Right.  A few notes first.  [aside, to Edward]  I thought you might enjoy that bit. EDWARD    Cheers. WARREN     Can't find my notes just now, but if you'd like to go on, Richard, I'll interject as things come up? RICHARD    Certainly.  Arthur Jermyn was the son of Sir Alfred Jermyn and a music-hall singer of unknown origin. WARREN    If I may interject? CHARLES     That was short. RICHARD    Go ahead. WARREN    This woman - whose name was never recorded, but I don't doubt I could find it if need be, since she only died in 1911, I believe, was the one I mentioned earlier as being quite an interesting character. HERBERT     Not the titled lady? WARREN     No she appears to have been very ... stolid.  Arthur's mother, however, was determined.  When Alfred left them, or possibly after his horrid death, she apparently marched right into Jermyn house, infant son on her hip-- CHARLES    Not even a perambulator to her name? RICHARD    Makes for a prettier and more destitute picture. WARREN    Babe in arms, anyway, and took over.  She apparently stood toe to toe with any and all opposition on behalf of her son.  HERBERT    People will do most anything for money. RICHARD    Women, particularly. WARREN    That's the rub.  There was almost no money left, per se.  There was the title, and some land, and Jermyn house, and not much else.  And yet she claimed it on behalf of her son.  And apparently did a reasonably good job of running the estate during his childhood - got at least enough money out of it to send Arthur to decent schools and see to it he had some idea of family and history. CHARLES    Brave woman.  RICHARD    Very well.  So "my mother" had redeeming qualities above and beyond her social status.  May I go on? WARREN    I have a bit more.  Arthur Jermyn was not like any other Jermyn before him, for he was a poet and a dreamer. EDWARD    Ta-da! RICHARD    As an artist, I can sympathize, anyway. WARREN    Locals attributed his sensitivity to the Latin blood of his Portuguese great-great-great... great? a2_great great EDWARD    Let's see, I'm great - Charles is great great-- CHARLES    Don't forget invisible Nevil. WARREN    You know who I mean, anyway.  Besides, most people just chalked it up to his music-hall mother - who, of course, was never accepted by the gentry.  EDWARD    [silly brit voice] Oh, no, of course not! CHARLES    How horrible! WARREN    While his nature was poetic, his appearance was just the opposite.  Most of the Jermyns had possessed a subtly odd and repellent cast, but Arthur's case was very striking. RICHARD    Ape-like? WARREN    [lying poorly] Um, uh - possibly.  I suppose. RICHARD    [chuckles]  I, Arthur Jermyn, being of sound mind and ugly body... [laughs] "took highest honours at Oxford and seemed likely to redeem the intellectual fame of the family." CHARLES    Oxford?  Kudos to "your mother" indeed. RICHARD    [aside] I'll tell her when I see her.  [narrating] Arthur planned to continue the work of his forefathers in African ethnology and antiquities, utilising the truly wonderful though strange collection of Sir Wade. HERBERT    Which, though valueless in many ways, having been tossed about by a collector, would still be fascinating to see. WARREN    [eager] I daresay!  Who knows what he may have found in-- RICHARD    [loud] The prehistoric civilisation in which the mad explorer had so implicitly believed? Arthur explored tale after tale about the silent jungle city and the nameless, unsuspected race of jungle hybrids mentioned in Warren's journal.  WARREN    Wade. RICHARD    [shrugs] Right person, wrong name.  Sounds like a clear case of morbid fascination, though, for he sought out more information after his mother's death in 1911, and even made an expedition himself as soon as he could liquidate some assets to fund it. WARREN    That's not precisely what's on the card. RICHARD    I'm embellishing.  "Arranging with the Belgian authorities for a party of guides, he spent a year in the Onga and Kahn country.  Among the Kaliris was an aged chief called Mwanu, who possessed not only a highly retentive memory, but a singular degree of interest in old legends." a2_Mwanu WARREN    Mwanu even added his own account of the stone city and the white apes. MWANU    Many long years it has been since things walked in the city of grey stones.  And many years more and more since man ever trod the paths within.  WARREN    He told Jermyn of the N'bangu tribe, which had annihilated the beings within the city, and destroyed many of the structures. MWANU    Every ape lay dying.  Every ape lay dead.  The chief of the N'Bangus, him they called Iron foot, trod on the bodies of the enemy, for they were no more than dirt to him.  And lo, in their wicked shrine, in the center of the ruined city, lay the prize Iron Foot had come to possess. WARREN    What they had come for was apparently a mummy.  It was called, among the various local tribes, the "white goddess" and was supposed to be the remains of one of the ape-things' queens, preserved and revered for ... [hinting] just over a century. MWANU    The white goddess was a queen in her own right, when she lived like mortals live - down among the hairy folk.  But came a god from a distant land far to the west!  He wore the sun for a crown and strode the land on giant feet.  WARREN    Apparently this strange new "god" married the princess - later known as the white goddess - and they ruled the ape-city together. EDWARD    This is starting to sound a bit like a Burroughs fancy, though I don't think Tarzan ever stooped to "wooing" apes. RICHARD    I always say live and let live, but that's a bit outside even my tolerance. CHARLES    That is assuming the strange god was a human, and in fact was-- [cuts himself off] are we assuming? WARREN    We'll assume in a moment.  Mwanu had an interesting little end to his tale. MWANU    When the princess bore the god a son, they returned to the homeland of the god.  It was many, many moons before the god and princess returned, for the princess was lonely in the distant world and wished for the company of her own people.  They ruled but a short time, before the princess left her mortal life and rose to the top of the great world tree. EDWARD    She died? WARREN    I hope so.  You see-- MWANU    The god, stricken with grief at her passing and loathe to lose her, mummified the body, so he would always know she remained in the city, awaiting his return. RICHARD    [creeped out]  Romantic. CHARLES    I - I am at a loss for words.  Impressive. SOUND    [slight golf clap from Herbert] WARREN    Though the god never returned to reclaim his princess, the white goddess, as it was now called, became a symbol of supremacy to all the neighboring tribes - which is why the N'bangu felt the need to capture it. RICHARD    They should have stuck with a flag. MWANU    Many moons later yet, the child of the princess and the god, grown to impressive manhood, found his way to the city to claim his rightful place.  RICHARD    Really? CHARLES    And what happened to him? WARREN    Sadly, Mwanu didn't know.  [briskly] Whatever the truth behind any of the legends, they make for picturesque storytelling. a3_lost city CHARLES    Herbert?  You've been awfully quiet. HERBERT    I'm ...interested.  We still haven't made the leap from unlikely legends to Richard going up in flames.  Pray continue, Warren. WARREN    In early 1912, Arthur found the fabled lost city, or what was left of it.  It was apparently rather smaller than he had expected.  Unfortunately, the modest size of the expedition prevented operations toward clearing the one visible passageway that seemed to lead down into the system of vaults which Sir Wade had mentioned. EDWARD    You never mentioned underground vaults before! RICHARD    Oh yes he did.  WARREN    It's really just mentioned in passing. CHARLES    And it was blocked up. WARREN    They spoke with as many natives and chiefs as they could, but found no further information on the white goddess, except that the N'bangu had it. EDWARD    Probably performed unspeakable rites and rituals beneath the glassy eyes of the once-living thing. WARREN    Very likely.  Finally, Arthur was introduced to a Monsieur Verhaeren, Belgian agent at a trading post-- RICHARD    Is the congo still under Belgian control? CHARLES    If it isn't, the change must have been rather recent.  WARREN    Verhaeren claimed he could not only locate, but obtain the stuffed goddess VERHAEREN    C'est vrai.  These once mighty N'bangus are now the submissive servants of King Albert's government.  Ignorant savages.  Some beads and trinkets, perhaps some rum, and I could get them to part with their own mothers. WARREN    Jermyn sailed for England, therefore, with the exultant probability that he would, within a few months, receive a priceless ethnological relic and confirm the wildest of his great-great-great-grandfather's stories. CHARLES    Wildest?  Perhaps not.  Frankly, I wouldn't want to see proof of some of the implications. HERBERT    The miscegenation?  That's actually what I'm finding the most fascinating to consider. a4_Missagewhozits EDWARD    Missagewhozits?  CHARLES    Finish first.  Once you let Herbert start, there's no telling where it might end. WARREN    Arthur Jermyn waited.  Meanwhile, he studied the papers and reports of his great-- um-- Sir Wade.  He found it interesting that while there was much whispering about the mysterious and secluded wife, no tangible relic of her remained. EDWARD    What, you expect someone stuffed her, too? CHARLES    Ahem.  I think he means a portrait, or a lock of hair, even a journal of her own.  WARREN    And there was nothing.  Jermyn put it down to Wade's insanity, figuring that she might have angered him by contradicting some of his wild Africa tales, particularly since she had also spent time on the dark continent. CHARLES    Or perhaps they'd just had an efficient maid or two in the intervening century. [hinting] WARREN    ahem.  In June of 1913, a letter arrived from Monsieur Verhaeren, saying he had found the stuffed goddess!  He averred it was a most extraordinary object, quite beyond the power of a layman to classify. Whether it was human or simian only a scientist could determine. RICHARD    Unless, like such artifacts from Barnum and his brethren the world over, it was made piecemeal. CHARLES    Stitched out of whole cloth? RICHARD    More like a crazy quilt. WARREN    And, of course, time and the Congo climate are not kind to mummies. HERBERT    I shudder to think of the depredations of insects, and mildew.  [ugg - shudder noise] WARREN    And apparently this one was not preserved by a craftsman with any sort of skill.  And yet, it was still intact, in the whole, and recognizable, so they couldn't fault him over much. HERBERT    Mummies are primarily preserved through drying.  How could anyone ever undertake that in a damp and steamy jungle? A6_ALMOST DONE WARREN    Almost done now.  Where was I?  Ah!  Around the creature's neck was a golden chain bearing an empty locket on which were armorial designs - no doubt some hapless traveller's keepsake, taken by the N'bangus and hung upon the goddess as a charm. HERBERT    No doubt. CHARLES    Utter coincidence. WARREN    In commenting on the mummy's appearance, the Belgian expressed a humorous wonder just how it would strike his correspondent-- RICHARD    Me, in case anyone has forgotten during the intermission. WARREN    But these hints really don't give much to go on.  The boxed object was delivered to Jermyn on the afternoon of August 3, 1913, and was conveyed immediately to the large chamber which housed the collection of African specimens. RICHARD    The final card now? EDWARD    He got an extra card? WARREN    Richard has the artistic temperament.  [to Richard] Just one more moment.  [to all] What ensued can best be gathered from the tales of the servants and from things later examined.  Aged Soames, the family butler, tells the most ample and coherent tale. A6_SOAMES SOAMES    Sure and the master sent all of us away, wanting to be alone with his new treasure.  This was not unusual, and none thought twice on it.  We heard the sound of hammer and chisel when he opened the box almost right away - that excited he was to clap eyes on't.  WARREN    Shortly, there came a terrible scream. RICHARD    [screams] WARREN    [surpised noise] Gah!  That wasn't part of the-- RICHARD    Artistic license.  It comes with artistic temperament.  Ready now? WARREN    Warn me next time.  Yes. RICHARD    Immediately after, Jermyn emerged from the room, rushing frantically about as if pursued, and finally disappearing down the stairs to the cellar. The servants were utterly dumbfounded, and watched at the head of the stairs, but a smell of oil was all that came up from the regions below. WARREN    After dark, a rattling was heard at the door leading from the cellar into the courtyard; and a stable-boy saw Arthur Jermyn, glistening from head to foot with oil and redolent of that fluid, steal furtively out and vanish on the black moor surrounding the house. RICHARD    Then, in an exaltation of supreme horror, a spark appeared on the moor, a flame arose, and a pillar of human fire reached to the heavens. The house of Jermyn no longer existed! HERBERT    Did he at least leave a note? WARREN    No, but the fragments that add up to the horror he discovered were clearly found and assembled afterward, principally the thing in the box. HERBERT    His ancestress. CHARLES    Don't jump ahead. EDWARD    [snort] Funny. WARREN    The stuffed goddess was a nauseous sight, withered and eaten away, but it was clearly a mummified white ape of some unknown species, less hairy than any recorded variety, and infinitely nearer mankind - quite shockingly so. HERBERT    Was it supposed to be a secret?  I thought warren made it eminently clear. EDWARD    You're serious?  Warren? WARREN    [sigh] Yes.  [chuckles]  The arms on the golden locket about the creature's neck were the Jermyn arms, and the ... resemblance between the shrivelled face to none other than the sensitive Arthur Jermyn applied with vivid, ghastly, and unnatural horror. HERBERT    This should lead to an interesting field of study - do you think the white apes she belonged to might still exist in the congo? EDWARD    No, they were wiped out by the nubumbums. HERBERT    Is the mummy at least intact? WARREN    Oh, no.  Members of the Royal Anthropological Institute burned the thing and threw the locket into a well. HERBERT    [almost yelling] They did what? CHARLES    [sigh] Thus endeth the lesson. HERBERT    [still loud, fading out] And they call themselves scientists? CLOSING

In a bar, watching the first telecast from Mars, a stranger walks in.

Adapted by Julie Hoverson from a story by H.P. Lovecraft. Cast List Richard - Philemon Vanderbeck Edward - Bryan Hendrickson Charles - Michael Coleman (Tales of the Extraordinary) Warren - Glen Hallstrom Herbert - Carl Cubbedge Auguste - Reynaud LeBoeuf Music by Kevin MacLeod       (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock [cover art attributions] "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an artist's loft, can't you tell?" ************************************************************************** The View from Within Cast: Richard, artist Charles, wealthy dilettante Herbert, scientist Warren, professor Edward, pulp writer Auguste, visitor OLIVIA     What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's an artist's loft, can't you tell? MUSIC SOUND    FOOTSTEPS RECEDE, ECHOES RICHARD    [calling out] Thanks - ever so! SOUND    DOOR SHUTS RICHARD    You have to love a restaurant that will send orders out. EDWARD    Smells delicious. I suppose we should... wait? RICHARD    Take a breadstick. No one needs to know. EDWARD    [chewing] From one starving artist to another, my stomach thanks you. RICHARD    [chuckles] SOUND    KNOCK ON DOOR RICHARD    Aha! SOUND    FEET, DOOR OPENS WARREN    Oh! This is-- ah! It is the right place, then? RICHARD    Either that, or we're all lost together. WARREN    [dubious] Oh? EDWARD    [off] Don't confuse the poor academic! Invite him in! RICHARD    Come in, then. WARREN    Ah. This is the first time-- RICHARD    Welcome to my studio.  I don't usually have much company.  Through here. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS WARREN    It is a bit out of the way. RICHARD    Just be happy we're not meeting in the basement. EDWARD    Oh, why? RICHARD    [chuckles slightly] Mildew.  Though the atmosphere is most ... stimulating. WARREN    I'm rather surprised the building is still standing. RICHARD    It's an antique. WARREN    More like a relic. SOUND    KNOCK AT DOOR RICHARD    Any bets on who's next? EDWARD    Heads or tails? HERBERT    [off] Open the door! EDWARD    Tails. RICHARD    [snickers] [up, trying not to laugh] I'm coming. SOUND    FEET RETREAT WARREN    Good thing Richard knows how to give directions - I'd hate to be lost in such a decrepit and forbidding part of town. EDWARD    Don't tell anyone, but I wrote them. His were needlessly labyrinthine. No one would have found this place in time. WARREN    Dinner would have gone cold? EDWARD    Weather would have gone cold. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS ENTER HERBERT    You wouldn't believe the types of fungi that can grow in the plaster and wood in buildings this ancient. I suggest a thorough going over with Listerine, possibly followed by razing it to the ground. RICHARD    [laughs] You modern-minded scientists. Can't see the value of anything lacking in hygiene unless it's in a Petri dish. WARREN    Culture isn't born in a day. HERBERT    It might be - in a Petri dish. RICHARD    Sit. Relax. I suppose we could commence eating if Charles isn't-- SOUND    KNOCK ON DOOR RICHARD    But... he is. Back in a moment. SOUND    FEET RECEDE HERBERT    [sigh] Fire trap. EDWARD    What? HERBERT    These old gambrel-roofed buildings. The attic framing is particularly susceptible to the flow of air. WARREN    Well, I doubt that it will go up tonight. EDWARD    And I doubt that a going over with lister's formula will make it any less flammable. HERBERT    Did Richard say anything about this story of his? WARREN    Only that he felt it an impenetrable mystery. HERBERT    It had better be something a bit more engaging than a plebian crime drama. That's no entertainment for a thinking man. EDWARD    You didn't come just for the food? [bites a breadstick] I certainly did. CHARLES    [coming in] Did I hear someone mention a thinking man? WARREN    That would be Herbert. EDWARD    Neither of us is inclined to think at all - if there isn't an immediate need. WARREN    Of course I think - I'm always-- CHARLES    Buried in the college library. Absorbing. EDWARD    Rather like a sponge. HERBERT    [snort of laughter] So there's only one thinking man present. CHARLES    I beg to differ. May I introduce a friend? EDWARD    What? I thought this was a secret society! WARREN    Is it? I thought it was dinner. CHARLES    Don't matter. As he's in town for just the fortnight, Richard said I might bring him along. Particularly with a mystery in hand. EDWARD    Aren't mysteries "afoot"? RICHARD    [agreeing] Plenty of food, though it looks like the breadsticks are going fast. AUGUSTE    [chuckle] CHARLES    So. These are my cronies - Warren there in the tweed; Edward with the glasses; Herbert - well, he's Herbert. And you met Richard at the door. AUGUSTE    Enchante'. CHARLES    And this, to all you rabble, is monsieur Auguste, an old friend of the family. WARREN    French? AUGUSTE    Oui. Do not discompose yourself. My English is quite fair. CHARLES    My father met Auguste when he was overseas. They always figured on meeting up again and trading some yarns. AUGUSTE    "Yarns"? CHARLES    Stories. AUGUSTE    Ah. Oui. I am a great one for the recounting of the stories. WARREN    But - but it's Richard's turn tonight! EDWARD    I see why you let him in! Cheater. HERBERT    You're not getting out of it that easily! RICHARD    I'm not getting out of anything, but there's no reason we can't allow such an "august" visitor a morsel of our time. My story can wait until we're onto the cigars. EDWARD    If they're half the size of your breadsticks, we might be here all night. MUSIC RICHARD    So, monsieur Auguste. You don't mind our informality? AUGUSTE    I have lived a rather - bohemian - life, myself. If I was to be precise in the naming of names, you should all address me as "sir". WARREN    You aren’t that much older than-- AUGUSTE    No, no! Pardon. It is the title, yes? I have the honorific of Chevalier - a knight, I think, en Anglais. EDWARD    A knight? Really? Do you have a sword and a horse and everything? WARREN    [disgusted sigh] Pardon Edward. He's the product of our public school system, and thus is oblivious of the niceties of history. RICHARD    And you were a bohemian in Paris? [wistful sigh] there's no better place for it. AUGUSTE    C'est vrai. True. EDWARD    Aren't you some sort of consulting detective? AUGUSTE    Mais non. At best, I would call myself a dilettante. My friend and I simply found ourselves in the path of a crime or two in our day. I analyse. I correlate. I also am willing to accept things that others might assume are impossible. WARREN    Impossible? Nonsense. Things must be either possible or impossible. HERBERT    Not really. The bounds of the possible are enlarged every year by my fellow scientists. CHARLES    [teasing] I thought you of all people would be defending the "bounds of the possible". HERBERT    Every impossibility is like a lock. Once you find the right key, the door opens, and the boundary enlarges. AUGUSTE    Though I comprehend you are speaking of science, I am of the same mind. Trying key after key, any door will eventually open, even if there is a century of keys. MUSIC SOUND    MATCH STRIKES RICHARD    [puffing] So. Replete? WARREN    That was quite delicious. How did you get anything like that delivered here? RICHARD    Generous tipping. [chuckles] EDWARD    Is anyone else chilly? [1 shivers] I feel a bit of a draft. RICHARD    High ceilings and large windows. Good for painting, terrible for heating. Have some more brandy, that should warm you up. CHARLES    You call this brandy? RICHARD    The rum-runner I bought it from assures me-- CHARLES    Hmm. It's almost the right color, but the resemblance is less than skin deep. RICHARD    Let's agree I buy for effect, not refinement. HERBERT    Seeing your house, I can understand that. RICHARD    And we come full circle. [sigh] My story begins at the house of a friend. I'll call her Mavis-- EDWARD    Mavis? A romance? RICHARD    [dismissive] A patron. She'd just come into an inheritance, including a large manor out in the country. It hadn't been lived in for a while, and needed tending, but money can go a long way toward fixing any neglect. CHARLES    My father would agree. RICHARD    So, in the clearing out of the picturesque dilapidation, several outbuildings were uncovered. HERBERT    This is your story? They trimmed the lawn and found a shed? EDWARD    How... bucolic. RICHARD    I'm simply trying to include any details you might need later to arrive at the conclusion to this mystery. AUGUSTE    Perhaps, if I may, you could recount us the mystery first, and the details to follow. WARREN    That wouldn't be precisely methodical, would it? HERBERT    Under normal circumstances, I would abhor one who settles on a hypothesis first and then aims all his tests to achieving that end and only that end. But for the purposes of entertainment-- RICHARD    Right. Mystery first. Bare bones. The house was beautifully restored, mansard to masonry, and Mavis was hosting her first house party. She had invited some three dozen of her closest friends, secured a small orchestra, and was inaugurating the newly sprung ballroom floor. EDWARD    [humming a waltz] CHARLES    Leave off. EDWARD    Just trying to help with atmosphere! RICHARD    I had stepped out to look over some portraits unearthed in the attic. Mavis was most anxious for my opinion as to their provenance-- HERBERT    [bored] Ah? Stolen paintings? Is that it? AUGUSTE    [superior] Do not judge your eggs before they are cracked. EDWARD    Yeah, don't crack so early, Herbert. RICHARD    Screams. EDWARD    [mock scream] RICHARD    [ignoring him] Screams erupted from the ballroom. From the sound of it, there was nothing less than a wildfire or militia attack in the offing. CHARLES    Ah. RICHARD    I left my hostess in the portrait room. EDWARD    [suggestively] Aaah. RICHARD    Ahem. I made my way to the ballroom, much hampered by the press of people running the other direction-- EDWARD    Towards the "portrait room"? RICHARD    --in a mad panic. By the time I reached the ballroom, it was an empty shell. Chairs were tipped, glass on the floor from shattered tumblers, and some very strange tracks. HERBERT    [after a pause] And? RICHARD    That is the mystery. You didn't want any piddling extraneous details. HERBERT    You expect us to reach some sort of conclusion from this? RICHARD    What would you do if this was one of your experiments? HERBERT    I would run a series of tests. But that hardly applies here-- AUGUSTE    If I may beg to differ? RICHARD    Hmm? How? AUGUSTE    [small chuckle] In the case of ratiocination, the tests that would be run are the interview of the witnesses, and examination of the scene-- WARREN    That's a bit far to go for a story. AUGUSTE    Bien. So we must settle for the interview of the singular witness, notre vieux Richard here. You, sir, are our window on the tale. CHARLES    But - but how would that work? AUGUSTE    Why not make of it a game? Each takes it in his turn to ask a question, to be answered to the best of Monsieur Richard's knowledge. Bien? CHARLES    Sounds rather entertaining, really. AUGUSTE    You can learn a great deal about any man from the way he plays even the simplest of games. EDWARD    I might have an edge for once, what with my newspaper experience. RICHARD    Obituaries? Hmm. You might at that. HERBERT    It's hardly scientific method. WARREN    I'm game, who begins? RICHARD    I think widdershins would be appropriate. That means Edward starts it off. EDWARD    Well. One question. I'm caught rather flat-footed. CHARLES    Treat him like one of the characters in your stories. EDWARD    I generally try to avoid talking to them. People find it unnerving. Very well. My question, to start this all off - do you have an answer to your own puzzle? RICHARD    [laughs] I have an answer that satisfies me. WARREN    Would it hold up in a court of law? RICHARD    No. Next question. WARREN    That wasn't my-- RICHARD    You should speak more carefully, then. Next? HERBERT    Describe the tracks you found. RICHARD    Is that a question? HERBERT    [sigh] What did the tracks look like? Detail please. RICHARD    Of course. They were muddy footprints with a rather recognizable configuration to the shape of the heel. HERBERT    So definitely a person? RICHARD    While I could say "ask that one next time round", instead I'll merely point out that I know very few animals that wear man made boots. EDWARD    [laughs] I should write that one down. Charles? CHARLES    Yessss. [Hmm, thinking] Was the culprit a member of the party? RICHARD    No. Completely uninvited. CHARLES    Ah well. Monsieur? AUGUSTE    [satisfied with himself] Did the tracks merely enter the room and then come to a halt, or did they appear to have a specific terminus? WARREN    Ah! You think someone at the party was the object, rather than the instigator, of the ... intrusion? RICHARD    Shush Warren. You've had your turn. The prints meandered through the room, though they showed no sign of purpose. AUGUSTE    And a terminus? Or must that be a separate question? RICHARD    [consternation] Oh. A second question, I'm afraid. AUGUSTE    It is nothing, I will wait. EDWARD    Back to me, then... Hmm... Could I ask his question? RICHARD    I suppose you could ask him. EDWARD    [to Auguste] Could I? Oh, no! Wait - wait I have one. Where did the footsteps come from - I mean outside, obviously, but did you or anyone happen to follow them back to their source? HERBERT    That's two questions. EDWARD    No! Is it? RICHARD    I'm making a ruling - if a question is a compound, I'll answer whichever parts suits me. In this case, yes. Come morning, we followed the footsteps. EDWARD    B-but I asked where they came from? RICHARD    But you also asked if we followed them. And I answered yes. WARREN    Hold on! I'll ask where they originated from. RICHARD    Very well. We followed them back to the family burial plot behind the house. EDWARD    Really? CHARLES    [laughing] Watch out! He'll take that as your next question. HERBERT    Where did the tracks go? EDWARD    Into the cemetery! Don't waste a perfectly good question! HERBERT    No. Richard said they came from the cemetery. Where did they go upon leaving the house again? CHARLES    Ah. RICHARD    Clever. But the answer is the same. They returned to the graveyard. CHARLES    [after a beat] Oh! Me. Well, someone must have seen the intruder. What did they say he looked like? I mean it was a man, wasn't it? RICHARD    [tiny chuckle] Everyone described the intruder as male. CHARLES    But what did it-- [getting it, then rueful] Ah. I posed two questions, didn't I? RICHARD    [gleeful] Oh, yes. CHARLES    [to self] Must be more careful. AUGUSTE    [to Charles] Do not fret yourself, mon ami. [up] How are the grounds laid out in relation to the house and the road? RICHARD    That’s-- [thinking] ... that's-- HERBERT    But a single question. RICHARD    [laughing] You've got me. Here, I'll show you. SOUND    RUSTLE OF ITEMS IN TRAY, SOUND OF DRAWING RICHARD    This is the road, crossing the bottom, turning roughly... north I think. [pauses to draw] The house is here, with a gate, and a drive, thus. AUGUSTE    And the burial place? RICHARD    You specified the grounds. Not the structures. WARREN    I don't know that a cemetery constitutes a structure per se. AUGUSTE    No, no. It will wait. EDWARD    I would love to ask for that, but I already have a question in mind. AUGUSTE    It will wait. EDWARD    Good. All right. SOUND    PAPER FLIPS RICHARD    You're taking notes? EDWARD    I'm working out my question so I don't blunder again. RICHARD    [laughs] HERBERT    How ...methodical. EDWARD    Yes, well, I can be as tiresome as you, if I try hard enough. RICHARD    The question? EDWARD    You say the footprints went into the graveyard -that's not my question, just the premise - here it is: Which way did they go beyond the graveyard? RICHARD    Nowhere. EDWARD    Huh? RICHARD    We found no footprints beyond the graveyard. EDWARD    So this fellow wanders off into the graves and flies off into space? WARREN    Shh. It's my question now. RICHARD    Good. WARREN    Hmm. Hold on. Perhaps I should take my questions down too. It's hard to see the flaws when a question is only behind your eyes. CHARLES    Too true. WARREN    [determined sigh] Is the ground around and outside the cemetery the type of ground that would show marks of, say, a horse? RICHARD    Hmm. I'll have to equivocate and say - I saw no marks of a horse. All right? HERBERT    Is this supposed to be a mystery or a ghost story? CHARLES    That's hardly a fair question. RICHARD    It's at least a very difficult one. Hmm. I suppose the absolute truth would be neither, but I don't want to give the wrong impression. So I will say simply that no one claimed to have seen a ghost. CHARLES    [musing] But it's not really a mystery either - Don't answer! Just musing. Hmm... The plot thickens. EDWARD    Come on, Charles! WARREN    Don't pester. CHARLES    Did you ever see the ... culprit? RICHARD    I was in the portrait room. CHARLES    I didn’t ask if you saw the incident - but if you ever saw the culprit. RICHARD    Ahh. Hmm. Yes, at some point, I saw the one that I believe was the "culprit". CHARLES    Well, at least he didn't vanish off the face of the earth. RICHARD    [almost laughing] More or less. AUGUSTE    [chuckling] More or less. RICHARD    You sound like a man who knows something. AUGUSTE    I know many things. I do not yet know you well enough to know what you are thinking, but I can already see - yes - when you are thinking, or rather when you are forced to think. Some questions merely amuse you, while others - others force you to consider carefully the words to use. EDWARD    Oh I get it, instead of noting the answers, you're watching the speaker. AUGUSTE    As with any game. Chess, par example, is not won by the player who watches only the board. It is not the board that one is playing against. RICHARD    [offhanded] Amusing. But let's get on with your question - unless all this is just your way of buying time to think? AUGUSTE    [chuckle] No. I have had plenty of time to think. I do not wish to ask the obvious question. EDWARD    What is it? I'll ask it! AUGUSTE    [tsks] Think of what hasn't been answered fully. [up] Mon question then, apart from the footprints, was there any other disturbance of the ground anywhere that you looked? EDWARD    What? Even if you didn’t want to ask an obvious question, you didn’t need to throw one away on-- CHARLES    Shh. Let him answer. RICHARD    [serious] Oh. Um...No. AUGUSTE    [as if this is very important] Aah. WARREN    It's almost as if they're speaking in ciphers. What are we missing? EDWARD    I don't know. [annoyed] How obvious IS this question? Ask what hasn't been fully answered, indeed. HERBERT     [smug] I know what it is. EDWARD    What? HERBERT    Find your own question. It's all a matter of organized thinking. Having an eidetic memory helps. RICHARD    It is your turn, Edward. EDWARD    The ground wasn't disturbed? What kind of clue is that - and that's not my question! RICHARD    [almost laughing] Of course not! EDWARD    It's rhetorical. Oh, hell. I'm drawing a blank. Here - did the intruder break anything at the house? RICHARD    [thinking] Well... No one ever said the intruder broke anything, and there was no sign of it. AUGUSTE    And yet things were broken. Your initial description was very clear on that point. RICHARD    Yes, but that all happened during the general state of panic. WARREN    I don't believe it's your turn, sir! AUGUSTE    And I did not ask a question. RICHARD    [laughing] ohhh. You sly dog, you. AUGUSTE    [amused shrug] eh bien. My apologies for interrupting the proper order of things. EDWARD    Hit him with a good one, warren! WARREN    [still trying to figure it out] something that hasn't been fully answered... Oh! What about - Auguste, you asked something about where the footprints inside went - but it was two questions. RICHARD    Well-- WARREN    Ssh! My question then is where did the footprints go, once inside the house. Be specific. AUGUSTE    This may be of great interest. RICHARD    You have to picture the room like this-- SOUND    SCRIBBLING RICHARD    This entire wall was windows, including the one the intruder entered through. The orchestra was here, at the back. Hallways lead off here, and here. And there were a few tables. SOUND    A FEW MORE PENCIL SWOOPS RICHARD    There's no way to know who was where when the intrusion began, but the footprints started here and made a long loop this way-- HERBERT    That's an arc. A loop requires closure. RICHARD    --probably to avoid tables. This area was all dancing. The intruder appears to have been drawn toward the music. There was a sort of fumble in the steps - a loss of purpose in the stride, which I assumed meant this was when the general panic broke out-- HERBERT    It took people that long-- [catching himself] No, no. Go on. RICHARD    Panic broke out. From there, the footprints walked over to one of the alcoves, then, striding quickly again, back to, and out, the window. CHARLES    Alcoves? RICHARD    Yes, there are five. Next question. CHARLES    No, no - I really must draw the line here. you never described alcoves when you were describing the room. Besides, it's not even my turn. EDWARD    He's right! WARREN    I think you'll have to give him that one. RICHARD    I was only joking. Besides, Herbert has been looking smug for long enough. Out with it, foul fiend and ask the question you've been brimming over with! HERBERT    [feigned innocence] Oh, me? [chuckles] I'm sorry, Warren, but you missed Auguste's point entirely. The question that was never answered is "what did people say the intruder looked like?" AUGUSTE    Ahhh. EDWARD    Good golly! That's right! CHARLES    Well played, Herbert. RICHARD    [starts slowly, but working up to being as spooky as possible] The few people who could speak of the intrusion without descending into helpless gibbering, or simple fainting, described the intruder as unclean, uncanny, unwelcome, abnormal and detestable. It was the ghoulish shade of decay, antiquity, and dissolution! It could not have been of this world - or certainly no longer of this world - yet a part of the horror was that in its eaten-away and bone-revealing outlines, it resembled nothing so much as an abhorrent travesty on the human shape! [moment of silence] EDWARD    So a walking corpse? RICHARD    [annoyed tch] If you, the self-professed wordsmith, wish to put it so bluntly, and blandly. Yes. Apparently so. HERBERT    I protest - you said it wasn't something supernatural. RICHARD    I said no one had seen a ghost. Ghosts are entirely ethereal, and this was apparently an entirely physical manifestation. WARREN    True. Dead that climb out of graves and walk have long been a separate myth cycle from the purely spiritual. The "zombie" of the caribbean tales, which of course are drawn from the mystical beliefs of the various tribes imported from Africa-- EDWARD    Enslaved and dragged here. WARREN    Yes, but the beliefs are so fascinating - that a witch doctor could cause someone to not only die, but return-- CHARLES    Is that the answer then? That a corpse simply woke up out in the graveyard and decided on a lark to join the party? Or are we expected to figure out how and what caused it to motivate? HERBERT    I have a few ideas on that subject. EDWARD    Ah, but it didn't come out of a grave - that WAS the point of your question about disturbed ground, wasn't it, Monsieur? AUGUSTE    [shrug] I had a little thought. EDWARD    That means you were onto the walking dead angle almost from first principles. CHARLES    Father was right on the money, you are a genius. AUGUSTE    Merely someone who is not afraid to embrace the impossible from time to time. HERBERT    So this is the end of the tale. A body got up and wandered around, then walked away again. Where's the great mystery? AUGUSTE    Perhaps, if I may? RICHARD    Go ahead. AUGUSTE    I think the question of where it went to is one of mild amusement, as perhaps is the question of what moved it to leave? RICHARD    Perhaps. EDWARD    Yes, but is there an answer? AUGUSTE    I believe I have the answer to the first part. But I would like to ask my belated question first. RICHARD    Please do. AUGUSTE    Did you search the crypt? CHARLES    [amused] The what? WARREN    [annoyed] You never said there was a crypt! AUGUSTE    Perhaps I have not the right word. The building in the cemetery for the bodies, non? EDWARD    That's more of a mausoleum. WARREN    Crypts are generally below ground. And you never said there was a mausoleum! RICHARD    No one asked. AUGUSTE    But I have asked now. Did you search the mausoleum, and, if I may ask, did you find your visiteur hidden within? RICHARD    I should just give up now. There's nothing left to hide from you, Monsieur. AUGUSTE    But I do not know everything. I believe there is still the question of why it walked away. And I believe it is Charles' turn. CHARLES    Before I ask, is this something that can be answered? RICHARD    [a bit subdued] I believe so. CHARLES    Right, then. Do you think it was due to the fear and confusion that the creature decided to leave? RICHARD    I don't think so. Most of the crowd had fled before it apparently made its own exit. If you look at the drawing of the room, I am still quite certain that here is where it was the moment the panic broke out, and yet it continues onward for some time. CHARLES    Monsieur? AUGUSTE    I have solved my part of the puzzle. I shall leave your younger minds to uncover the motivations. EDWARD    [teasing] Cheater. RICHARD    This means we're back to you, Edward. EDWARD    From what you've drawn, it looks like the alcove is the epitome, or do I mean azimuth? HERBERT    I doubt it. EDWARD    The ultimate point, anyway. That seems to be where it turned back. Is that correct? RICHARD    Is that your question? EDWARD    Yes. RICHARD    To the best of my knowledge, yes. WARREN    What is in the alcove? Was -- [catches self] No. [firmly] What is in the alcove? RICHARD    The same as all the other alcoves. A large mirror. They're supposed to reflect the light and make the room look larger. WARREN    There are creatures of mythology who are terrified of mirrors. Vampires are said to have no reflection, possibly because the silver of the backing rejects their unclean nature and therefore refuses to reflect them. The gorgons-- HERBERT    Was the mirror untouched? RICHARD    Meaning? HERBERT    Did it do anything to damage the mirror? RICHARD    The mirror was ...undamaged. CHARLES    That sounds a little bit like a hint. RICHARD    [negative facetious shrug] CHARLES    Well, let's go on and get this over with. I think even I can read you this late in the evening. Did the thing touch the mirror? RICHARD    There was a disgusting mold-smeared handprint, and I use the term very loosely, on the glass. EDWARD    So it's afraid of a mirror. That's no thrill. AUGUSTE    Have you ever suddenly realized there is a large spot of ink -oh! - leaked on your pocket, or a bird perhaps has insulted the crown of your hat? HERBERT    Hasn't everyone? Nature is notoriously... insulting. AUGUSTE    And perhaps people are smiling and laughing, or even upset and disgusted, and you don't realize the cause of it? CHARLES    [laughs] Are you saying this thing needed to [gets serious] to see itself in a mirror to realize what it was? HERBERT    I doubt there would be much higher brain function in a rotten corpse. It might not occur to it. RICHARD    You know, that is rather the conclusion I arrived on. You're a bit of a marvel, Monsieur. AUGUSTE    [modest] Experience. And ratiocination. CHARLES    How did you come to the conclusion about where the - corpus delecti - would be found? AUGUSTE    Ah! That was very simple! Reminded me of something from my youth. It is rather like the old saying "cannot see the forest because of all the trees", vous comprenez? HERBERT    I know the saying. EDWARD    It's rather obvious once you see it. AUGUSTE    Bien. But what if the forest was hidden among a plethora of forests? HERBERT    That wouldn't be physically possible. AUGUSTE    conceptualize, mon ami. So, to extrapolate, where better to find a dead body, than in a room which is filled with them? END NOTE:      "Auguste" is intended to resemble "C. Auguste Dupin", the detective character in Poe's "Murders in the Rue Morgue" even though the timing would make him about 130 years old, if he's visiting Charles in the 1920s. (story very loosely inspired by "The Outsider" by HPL)

A modern fairy tale, with less than charming consequences.

My apologies - sick with no voice, so I have to put off the next Lovecraft 5 until I can record the intro. Here's a short one for this week.  Thanks for your patience! ***************************************************************** COUNTDOWN The haunted Ratcatcher Mine is irresistable to tourists and ghost hunters alike. Written by Julie Hoverson, Sound and mastering by Tanja Milojevic (of Lightning Bolt Theater of the Mind) Cast List Steff / Dutch - J. Spyder Isaacson Bobby / Rory - Reynaud LeBoeuf Roj / Jacob - Danar Hoverson Gloria - Tanja Milojevic Old Frank - J. Christopher Dunn Martha - Julie Hoverson Music:  Mary Lou by Country Gold This Land Here for Free by Country Gold Sunshine Revisited by Country Gold The King is Coming by Dom The Bear     All available through Jamendo.com Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a mountain with a mine shaft - can't you tell?" ***************************************************************** COUNTDOWN By Julie Hoverson   Cast: OLD FRANK - local shopkeeper, southern MARTHA - Frank's wife Gloria - modern college girl Steff, Bobby, Roj - modern college guys, wannabe filmmakers Dutch, Jacob, Rory - young miners from a century and a half ago, irish or other immigrant accents [NOTE - the modern guys double as the miners]   SETTING - opens in collapsed mine shaft MUSIC SOUND     PATTER OF GRIT SOUND    Dutch, Jacob, and Rory, heavy breathing.  DUTCH    5, 4, 3, 2, 1. SOUND    FLARE OF OLD LUCIFER MATCH DUTCH    Quick looks, all-- [clears his throat, hawks, spits]  You alright, Jacob? SOUND    MOVEMENTS IN DIRT, SHIFTING GRAVEL JACOB    I can't feel me legs, Dutch. RORY    Hail Mary, full of grace... SOUND    DISTANT RUMBLE OF FALLING ROCKS, MORE GRIT MUSIC AMBIANCE    MA AND PA STORE, MUZAK SOUND    FLAP OF PHOTO GLORIA    Have you seen--? OLD FRANK    Them boys?  Yup.  You almost jest missed 'em.  Come through this morning - maybe 'bout two hours-- MARTHA    --Nearer on to three, it was-- OLD FRANK    Two hours ago.  Asked a bunch of damn fool questions-- MARTHA    They were real curious about the Ratcatcher. OLD FRANK     --got some gas and took off.  Probably went on up to that whore's ass of a hole in the ground. MARTHA    Hush, you old goat!  We make a lot of money on the old Ratcatcher mine, you know. OLD FRANK    Some day that cussed thing's gonna cave all the damn way in and that'll be the end of the matter. GLORIA    The guy in the middle, that's my brother - Steff. OLD FRANK    And what kind of name is that for a young man, anyway? MUSIC SOUND    CLICK WHIRR - SMALL FILM CAMERA COMES ON. [NOTE - the modern guys are on a filter, like a recording being played back, unless otherwise noted] AMBIANCE    IN A CAR STEFF    Aha!  Smile! BOBBY    Dude, Why bother with the antique?  I can take better video than that with my phone. STEFF    It's the only way to make it look real, bro!  Film or nothing! SOUND    RADIO GOES STATICY, TUNING ROJ    Oh hell!  SOUND    RADIO OUT ROJ    Man.  We are so in the boondocks. MUSIC AMBIANCE     Mine DUTCH    Hold your breath. JACOB    Why?  RORY    Just do as he says, boy! SOUND    THEY ALL GASP IN A BREATH, HOLD IT A SECOND RORY    [on an exhale] Damn. DUTCH    [sigh] Aye. SOUND    MATCH SHAKEN OUT JACOB    What? RORY    The flame.  It didna waver at all. JACOB    But... whatever does it mean? DUTCH    [grim] We shant have long to wait. MUSIC AMBIANCE    OUTSIDE, MOUNTAINS SOUND    STEPS CRUNCH ON DIRT STEFF    Just hold it steady.  BOBBIE    Does it even have a built in mike? STEFF    It's not that old.  I don't have to hand crank it, either. BOBBIE    It's not like you're going to fool anyone.  No one believes any of this mockumentary crap any more.  Not since freaking Blair Witch. STEFF    It's all in how it's presented.  [turning away]  He said the mine opening is a half hour hike that way. SOUND    CAR DOOR SLAMS ROJ    [off, calling] I was thinking I might stay with the car.  STEFF    Come on, Roj!  We all agreed-- ROJ    [coming on] I'm just feeling weird about this whole thing. BOBBIE    He just wants to hit his girlfriend up for some naughty hottie talk. STEFF    You get reception out here? ROJ    This is about where I should turn and have a horde of network people standing there... MUSIC AMB    MA AND PA STORE SOUND    CELL PHONE NOISE, NO SERVICE SOUND    PHONE SLAPPED SHUT GLORIA    Dammit.  They were supposed to wait for me! OLD FRANK    You gonna buy something or just stand around and suck up our A-C? MARTHA    Frank!  The girl is concerned. GLORIA    You said they bought a map? OLD FRANK    Five dollars. MUSIC AMBIANCE    Mine JACOB    Have you another lucifer, Dutch? DUTCH    Cannot spare it. JACOB    We're gonna die!  Why must we perish in the dark? RORY    Every flame eats air we could be breathing. JACOB    We're doomed right enough, aren’t we?  Will a few moments of bright comfort end our suffering so much faster? DUTCH    The lad has a point. RORY    No!  I at least want every breath I have left.  MUSIC AMBIANCE    STORE SOUND    DOOR OPENS, BELL DINGS GLORIA    [leaving] Thanks! SOUND    DOOR SHUTS OLD FRANK    Only thing stupider than tourists is film people. MARTHA    This from the old coot who can't miss his Deal or no Deal. OLD FRANK    [dismissive noise] Ahh! SOUND    DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS GLORIA    [coming back in]  Why is it called the Ratcatcher mine? OLD FRANK    [congenial storytelling mode] Well, there's quite a story there. GLORIA    Is there a quick version? MARTHA    Not from him, there ain't.  GLORIA    Ten bucks? SOUND    MONEY SHELLED OUT, SNATCHED OLD FRANK    Right then.  It was a mother lode of silver, back in the day.  But the hillside was particularly unstable, so there were quite a few cave ins.  [getting spooky] So everyone took to bringing rats in, and feeding 'em, down in the shafts, since you could watch the rats, and when they ran, you knew to run too. MARTHA    [after a moment] Or else it was named after a fella called Ratcatcher Jones. No one's real sure. GLORIA    The map also doesn't say why anyone gives a flying ratcatcher's ass about it? MUSIC AMBIANCE    OUTSIDE SOUND    HIKING ROJ    It's not my GPS that's messed up - that map is just plain wrong! STEFF    It's the official map. BOBBIE    Maybe it's wrong on purpose.  Maybe the mine is still being worked, in secret, and they don't want anyone to actually be able to find it! ROJ    They would just stop selling maps, dumbass. BOBBIE    Or, maybe it's all a cover for a secret underground government installation - they put those into old mines and bomb shelters and stuff all the time, don't they?  STEFF    They'd just fence everything off! BOBBIE    Not if it was secret. STEFF    Nah.  I think it's just a big joke on tourists.  Like if you can actually find the mine, then you're worthy to be there. ROJ    We should go back to the car and wait for Gloria. STEFF    Yeah.  That's what I want to do.  She only wants to be here to piss me off.  ROJ    She has the hots for Bobbie. BOBBIE    She does?  Let's go back! STEFF    Ew.  [gasp of excitement] Hey, does that rock look like this blob - right here - on the map? MUSIC SOUND    FLARE OF LUCIFER STRIKING, BURNING [they're all getting breathless] RORY    We should pray.  God will welcome us home and forgive us our sins. JACOB    I don't have any!  No good ones, anyway! DUTCH    Pray silently.  Spare your breath.  JACOB    They could still find us! RORY    Best turn your mind heavenward, lad.  JACOB    But they could, couldn't they? DUTCH    God may still spare us.  Shh now. MUSIC AMBIANCE     OUTSIDE STEFF    [close to the mike] Hold it steady.  [backing off]  OK?  Is this good? ROJ    I can see you.  That's all you need, right? STEFF    Am I centered? ROJ    You can't fix it in post? STEFF    Just hold it steady.  [clears his throat, up]  This is Steffen Cray, standing in front of the infamous Ratcatcher Mine, supposed to be haunted by the ghosts of numerous miners who died in its inky blackness.  Most notably, it still holds the souls of three men whose bodies were recovered within minutes of their ultimate suffocation.  BOBBIE    Completely sucks, man.  House woulda been able to pump them, stat, and they'd be on Oprah next week, with a fund in their name. STEFF    Yeah, well, it was a hundred and thirty some years ago.  They say the mine will always hold three souls.  BOBBIE    Who's this "THEY" who says these things?  They should be making this crap-ass film. MUSIC AMBIANCE    DRIVING GLORIA    Dumbass idea, anyway, making some dumbass film about some dumbass mine. SOUND    RADIO TURNS TO STATIC GLORIA    Crap. SOUND    RADIO TURNED OFF, DIALING CELLPHONE SOUND    BEEPS, THEN ANSWERED - FAINT AND CRACKLY STEFF    [gasping voice]  Hello? GLORIA    Steff?  Jeez!  Really didn't think there would be coverage out here. STEFF    Gloria? GLORIA    [raising her voice] I can barely hear you!  STEFF    We're... in the mine. GLORIA    Oh, great.  How the hell am I gonna find you? SOUND    STATIC GROWS STEFF    You... won't. SOUND    PHONE CUTS OUT GLORIA    Well, crap.  Didn’t even get a chance to ask where to park. MUSIC AMBIANCE    MINE [NOT ON RECORDING] ROJ    Tell her to go for help! STEFF    It cut out before I could. ROJ    No!! What were you thinking? STEFF    Bobbie's out again. ROJ    You idiot! STEFF    You're using up the air! MUSIC AMBIENCE    OUTSIDE SOUND    WALKING GLORIA    [calling] Steff?  Steff? JACOB    [close] Hello. GLORIA    [startled] Crap!  Jeez, you scared me! RORY    Shouldn’t take the lord's name in vain. GLORIA    It's not vain.  Are you friends of my brother?  He never mentioned-- DUTCH    We're... local. GLORIA    Of course.  The costumes.  You must work here.  Where do I find this Ratcatcher mine thing? DUTCH    The mine?  Tis closed down.  There's been a bit of an incident.  MUSIC SOUND     PATTER OF GRIT SOUND    STEFF, BOBBIE, ROJ, HEAVY BREATHING  STEFF    [fading out] 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... CLOSING MUSIC

A robot hat works fine under normal conditions suffers when the conditions change - drastically.   FAULTY FILE HAS BEEN REPLACED!

Five friends gather for another story - this one of an artist doomed for his curiousity.   Cast List Edward - Bryan Hendrickson Charles - Michael Coleman (Tales of the Extraordinary) Warren - Glen Hallstrom Richard - Philemon Vanderbeck Herbert - Carl Cubbedge Blake - Derek Fetters (Unspeakable and Inhuman) Music by Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock   "What kind of a place is it? Why it's another brownstone dinner party, can't you tell?" ***************************************************************** THE HAUNTER OF THE DARK (Lovecraft 5, #2) Cast: Edward, a writer Charles, a dilettante Herbert, a scientist Richard, a painter Warren, a professor Robert Blake, deceased writer OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's Charles' house again, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND     MUSIC, but muffled SOUND    CUPBOARD CLOSES, FEET APPROACH CHARLES    Try this one. SOUND    BOX HANDED OVER EDWARD    Thanks.  [quiet, a bit diffident] And... and I appreciate your putting us up tonight, Charles. CHARLES    [breezily covering] In my own interest, I assure you.  I've no wish to climb five flights of rickety stairs and squat in your cramped dormer just to hear a story. SOUND    WALKING EDWARD    And I have no wish to disappoint you.  [perking up]  Though you really can't knock the cramped dormer for atmosphere... CHARLES    We'll just look at this as my way of supporting the arts, shall we? SOUND    DOOR OPENS SOUND    MUSIC LESS MUFFLED, SOUND OF FIREPLACE CHARLES    Here we are. SOUND    WALKING IN WARREN    Aha! HERBERT     There you are! RICHARD    Where did you have to go for it?  China? CHARLES    I knew I had a few of these still lying around.  Just take one to start - they're wicked sour. SOUND    BOX OPENS, PICKING OUT CANDIES CHARLES    Richard? RICHARD    Perhaps just one.  [pops into mouth, reacts]  WARREN    [chuckles]  I've tried many kinds of native confectionery in my travels, back in the day.  [puts into mouth, reacts, but tries not to]  [slightly breathless] Ah, yes.  Much like the salted ginger prunes I tried in [deep breath] Hong Kong [coughs slightly] in 1907. RICHARD    So jaded, Warren.  [teasing] Aren't you having one, Herbert? HERBERT    I've never understood the point of discomfiting oneself by eating painful food.  EDWARD    [trying not to pucker] It's really quite tasty. HERBERT    I'll stick to my drink, thank you very much. SOUND    BOX SET DOWN, SHUT CHARLES    Can't blame you, though I find myself rather more partial to these than I ought.  [pops something into mouth, then talks around it with no apparent difficulty]  So, Edward? SOUND    SECOND BOX SET DOWN ON TABLE EDWARD    Um!  [removes candy with a slight slurp]  Right.  Of course. SOUND    SHUFFLING PAPERS HERBERT    Isn't this supposed to be a true story? EDWARD    [baffled] Yes, why do you ask? HERBERT    Why the manuscript, then?  How can we trust anything you've written down to be fact and not one of your fantastical fictions? WARREN    He has a point. EDWARD    Oh, that's simple.  I didn't write any of this.  RICHARD    [give it] Here.  SOUND    PAPER CHANGES HANDS RICHARD    [agreeing] Well.  It's certainly not your handwriting.  [to Edward] Is it some long lost maiden aunt? HERBERT    Let me look.  Hmph.  Spiky.  WARREN    [looking over his shoulder]  Copperplate.  Quaint. EDWARD    Are the experts satisfied? HERBERT    I reserve judgment. WARREN    [chuckles]  I'm not such a stickler for provenance - after all, you're not one of my students. RICHARD    Tell us then, raconteur, who is it that inspires this tale? EDWARD    Robert Blake. RICHARD    [sharp] Blake?  SOUND    SNATCHES PAPERS RICHARD    [urgent] This is Blake's?  What is it?  How did you get it?  SOUND    PAPERS SNATCHED BACK EDWARD    All in good time.  [sniffs annoyedly] SOUND    PAPERS BEING STRAIGHTENED, PLOPPED DOWN EDWARD    [with import, beginning his tale] This?  SOUND    PATS PAPERS AND BOX EDWARD    This is all that's left of Robert Blake. RICHARD    He-- [cuts himself off] EDWARD    [intense] You were about to say - Blake died, 17 days ago, during a storm that knocked out half the electricity in the city.  Died... under very peculiar circumstances, indeed. WARREN    [after a slight pause] And for those of us less acquainted with the deceased? EDWARD    Huh? CHARLES    Yes.  Who is - was - Robert Blake? EDWARD    You haven't heard of him? HERBERT    I vaguely recall something about a Blake.  Isn't he some kind of artist?  Considered rather... blasphemous?  EDWARD    Blake was a writer and a painter, yes. HERBERT    But I was under the impression he was long-dead.  A century or more. EDWARD    [puzzled] No.  Robert died 17 days ago-- WARREN    Oh!  I expect you're thinking of William Blake.  RICHARD    The one who painted the great red dragon and the woman clothed in the sun? HERBERT    [snort of derision]  I don't waste precious memory on such trivia.  I can put names to three paintings - the Mona Lisa, the Last Supper, and Whistler's Mother.  And that's only because those are ubiquitous. CHARLES    Any chance that the two painting Blakes are connected somehow? EDWARD    Dunno.  Could be.  Hmm.  Robert hailed from Milwaukee, but I don't know anything more about his family.  [shrugs] It would explain some of Robert's peculiar artistic leanings. RICHARD    I've met Blake - this Blake - on several occasions.  I can't say I like - liked - him, but I didn't dislike him either.  His work was rather ... unusual.  Though I'm only acquainted with his paintings. EDWARD    His writing was just as odd - both fiction and non.  This [taps the papers] is supposedly the latter.  A journal.  [with heavy import]  His last days. CHARLES    Ahhh... SOUND    OPENS BOX, TAKES CANDY WARREN    How did you come by it? EDWARD    Let me start at the beginning.  Blake and I have been informally acquainted for years.  We interacted through the magazines that carried our works, corresponded now and then, and [chuckles] lampooned each other a bit.  I wrote a mad protagonist once named Blake Roberts, and he in turn-- RICHARD    Hmph.  His paintings show no trace of a sense of humor. CHARLES    There's more to any man than shows in his public face. WARREN    Who said that? CHARLES    [dry, teasing]  Thought I did. WARREN     [sigh] Never mind. RICHARD    [prompting] Blake? EDWARD    [overriding them all, narrating] Cautious investigators will hesitate to challenge the common belief that Robert Blake was killed by lightning, or by some profound nervous shock derived from an electrical discharge. RICHARD    Lightning?  I thought he died in his rooms. HERBERT    Was he burned? EDWARD    Not at all.  WARREN    But the papers put it down to lightning? EDWARD    I know I'm more used to writing a story than telling it, but you fellows should give me some room to breathe, here.  Stop jumping on me every time I come up for air!  EVERYONE    [mumbled apologies] EDWARD    [poetry] I have seen the dark universe yawning Where the black planets roll without aim, Where they roll in their horror unheeded, Without knowledge or lustre or name. CHARLES    Yours, or his? EDWARD    [chuckles] His.  [deep breath]  All right, now I have written some notes to follow, condensing some of this, and including some outside information.  So don't get confused.  SOUND    RUSTLE OF PAPERS EDWARD    Blake died with a horrible expression on his face.  The police and coroner blame it on the sudden contraction of the musculature due to the sudden ingress of electricity. WARREN    It's not unheard of. EDWARD     But the entries in his diary might suggest another source of the horrible grimace.  Fear. RICHARD    Scared to death? EDWARD    Or scared at the moment of death.  Either way, it's no doubt he worked himself up into a state of absolute terror shortly before his demise.  His diary entries are clearly the result of a fantastic imagination aroused by certain local superstitions. RICHARD    Local to here? EDWARD    Providence.  WARREN    [knowingly] Rhode Island. EDWARD    Blake is - was a writer and painter devoted to the field of myth, dream, terror, and superstition-- RICHARD    Sounds like someone we know.  Hmm? EDWARD    [sigh] His end began with a deserted church on Federal Hill. WARREN    What denomination? SOUND     PAPERS SHUFFLE EDWARD    The notes don't say what it started as.  Probably doesn't matter.  It was bought and rededicated to something called the Starry Wisdom sect. HERBERT    Starry Wisdom?  Astronomers? EDWARD    [chuckles] There's definitely some star-gazing involved in their beliefs. WARREN    [musing] Starry wisdom.... starry wisdom.... Hmm.  I've heard something about them.  [dismissive]  It will come to me. EDWARD    He took up residence in Providence last winter, in the upper floor of a "venerable dwelling where huge, friendly cats sunned themselves atop a convenient shed". HERBERT    He writes about cats?  [disparaging]  He was an only child, wasn't he? EDWARD    [sigh]  He also writes a lot about the local architecture, but I'll skip that as well.  BLAKE     My desk faces a window commanding a splendid view of the lower town's outspread roofs and the mystical sunsets that flame behind them. HERBERT    [dismissive] Cats... and sunsets. EDWARD    Some two miles away rose the spectral hump of Federal Hill. BLAKE    [diary] I have a curious sense that I gaze out upon some unknown, ethereal world which might or might not vanish in dream if I ever tried to seek it out and enter it in person. EDWARD    Blake settled down to write and paint.  During that first winter he produced five of his best-known short stories - The Burrower Beneath, The Stairs in the Crypt-- CHARLES    Oh, that was a corker. HERBERT    You actually read this nonsense? CHARLES    O'course.  Have a subscription and all. EDWARD    Blake also painted seven canvases that season - studies of nameless, unhuman monsters, and profoundly alien, non-terrestrial landscapes. RICHARD    My favorites.  If I do say so myself, though, I do better with....beings, while he should stick - have stuck - to exteriors. EDWARD    But the church kept drawing his thoughts.  BLAKE    At sunset the great tapering steeple loomed blackly against the flaming sky. RICHARD    [speculative] Makes me wish I was more familiar with Providence. EDWARD    Blake made his first and only pilgrimage to the building just before the aeon-shadowed Walpurgis time. HERBERT    What? WARREN    Also known as May eve.  Ostensibly, it's the festival of Saint Walpurga-- RICHARD    There's a name for you.  CHARLES    What was she the saint of? WARREN    Not my area.  But I say "ostensibly", since it was one of those pagan holidays that the church found they couldn't quite ever abolish, so they replaced it, figuring if the populace wanted a holy day, it might as well be a proper Catholic one. RICHARD    And the pagan holiday it replaced? WARREN    Beltane.  A spring fertility festival.  It was a counterpart to All Hallow's Eve - note that they fall on opposite ends of the calendar.  RICHARD     The nights that witches fly!  EDWARD    So he took a walk sometime in late April. BLAKE    I noted the foreign signs over curious shops in brown, decade-weathered buildings. Now and then a battered church façade or crumbling spire came in sight, but never the blackened pile I sought. EDWARD    It was like a labyrinth.  None of the streets went anywhere.  When he asked a shopkeeper about the church, the man's face blanched with fear, and Blake saw him make a curious sign with his right hand. WARREN    Does it say what the sign looked like? Perhaps something like this? CHARLES    Isn't that the same hand gesture you see in ancient paintings of sages and saints? RICHARD    It appears often in Hindu art as well. BLAKE    [cutting in] Suddenly a black spire stood out against the cloudy sky to the left. Twice I lost my way, but somehow dared not ask any help. EDWARD    And then he was there.  In a wind-swept open square towered over by the grim bulk of the decrepit church. BLAKE    I wondered how the panes of the gothic windows could have survived, in view of the known habits of small boys the world over. WARREN    [laughing]  I think we all had our turn in our youth.  Why I remember-- CHARLES    Knee breeches and buckle shoes?  When you write your own reminiscences, and then die in a strange and terrifying way, then we can discuss it.  Go on, Edward. EDWARD    It took Blake some time, both to clear the fence and to find a shiftable basement window, but finally he was inside. BLAKE    The colossal nave was an almost eldritch place with its drifts of dust. Over all this hushed desolation played a hideous leaden light as the declining afternoon sun sent its rays through the strange, half-blackened panes of the great apsidal windows. EDWARD    The stained glass windows seemed to give Blake a nervous moment - both because they were heavily encrusted with soot, and, in a more subtle way, from the subject matter. BLAKE    The few saints depicted bore expressions distinctly open to criticism, while one of the windows seemed to show merely a dark space with spirals of curious luminosity scattered about in it. RICHARD    "Open to criticism"?  That's all he said?  That conjures up far too many possibilities!  EDWARD    That's all. RICHARD    [frustrated noise]  Oh.  They could be cannibalistic, or lascivious, or cross-eyed. EDWARD    Don't know.  In a rear room, Blake found shelves of mildewed, disintegrating books. BLAKE     They were the black, forbidden things which most sane people have never even heard of, or have heard of only in furtive, timorous whispers. EDWARD    You know the type. WARREN    [avid] Oh, yes, but did he give any details? EDWARD    There's a whole list - but it's not really germane to-- CHARLES    Resign yourself, dear boy.  Let Warren salivate a bit. EDWARD    [sigh] Here. SOUND    PAPER MOVES WARREN    Excellent!  [musing]  Necronomicon, yes - ah, in Latin!  That would be the Vermius translation. EDWARD    He also grabbed a small notebook filled with entries in some cryptic code. WARREN    [muttering] The Liber Ivonis?  Sinister.  [chuckles]  Ah, the infamous Cultes des Goules of Comte d'Erlette-- HERBERT    [sigh, disdainful]  You sound like a zealot saying his rosaries - or whatever they say. RICHARD    He sounds like a collector. WARREN    [wistful]  If only.  [normal] But I must be satisfied caring for the collections of others.  Most of these books shouldn't be in the hands of any individual anyway.  They are much too-- RICHARD    Evil? HERBERT    Evil is a construct of morality. CHARLES    Oh, lord-- HERBERT    As is religion. EDWARD    I don't think a book, at least, CAN be evil. You can only be evil if you have free will. WARREN    Oh, now this is my field, and when I tell you the Unaussprechlichen Kulten of von Junzt, or old Ludvig Prinn's hellish De Vermis Mysteriis is an evil book, you may take my word. SOUND    SNATCH OF PAPER WARREN    [upset] Hey! CHARLES    You may have it back at the end of class. EVERYONE    [Chuckles] EDWARD    So.  [looking for his place] Room full of creepy books, Blake takes the diary, goes upstairs.  Right.  Aha! SOUND    SLAPS PAPER DOWN, WOOD BOX STARTS TO SHIFT.  A STRANGE CHIMING NOISE.  CATCH BOX EDWARD    [gasp!]  CHARLES    Oh!  Best watch that! EDWARD    Yeah. WARREN    What IS it? CHARLES    [overly nonchalant] A box.  What does it look like? EDWARD    [back to narration] Blake found a room upstairs, faintly lit by screened windows.  In one corner, a ladder led up to the closed trap door of the windowless steeple. BLAKE    In the centre of the dust-laden floor rose a curiously angled stone pillar some four feet in height and two in diameter, covered on each side with bizarre, crudely incised and wholly unrecognizable hieroglyphs. EDWARD     On this pillar rested a metal box of peculiarly asymmetrical form-- RICHARD    [knowing] Ah.  Boxes. HERBERT    "Asymmetrical"?  Nothing more specific? EDWARD    That's all his notes say-- HERBERT    How unspecific.  Asymmetrical merely means lacking in symmetry, which in turn means without any axis you could draw which would create a mirror image one side to the other. EDWARD    Huh? CHARLES    Symmetrical means the same on both sides-- HERBERT    [correcting] Mirror image on both sides. CHARLES    Right.  So, for instance your face is symmetrical-- HERBERT    No human face is perfectly symmetrical.  Nothing lines up exactly if you look close enough. CHARLES    Roughly symmetrical, then.  You have an eye on each side of a nose, which has two nostrils to balance one another, and so on. WARREN     So as a way to picture an asymmetrical face, you might have an eye down on the jawline, and the nose up at the temple? CHARLES    Only if there wasn't a comparable eye and nose to match on the other side of the face. HERBERT    So was this box only as asymmetrical as a typical face, or was it grossly unbalanced? EDWARD    Uh... the notes just say asymmetrical. HERBERT    [annoyed sigh]  Laymen. EDWARD    That box isn't important anyway - it's long gone.  But what it held... BLAKE    Beneath decade-deep dust was an egg-shaped or irregularly spherical object some four inches through. HERBERT    [starting again] Irregularly spherical? CHARLES    Oh, not again! EDWARD    The four-inch irregular sphere turned out, once the dust was gone, to be a nearly black, red-striated polyhedron with many irregular flat surfaces; either a very remarkable crystal of some sort or an artificial object of carved and highly polished mineral matter. HERBERT    Crystals form naturally according to-- CHARLES    Hush!  HERBERT    Hmph. EDWARD    [placating] So it was carved that way.  Good point. BLAKE    Once exposed, it exerted an almost alarming fascination. I could scarcely tear my eyes from it.  EDWARD    But he did.  I mean, he must have, since he notes there was something else in the room.  Or, should I say, someone?  In the far corner, right at the foot of the ladder, was a hump of dust-- BLAKE    Hand and handkerchief soon revealed a human skeleton. I examined a reporter's badge, a celluloid advertising calendar for 1893, some cards with the name "Edwin M. Lillibridge", and a paper covered with pencilled memoranda. EDWARD    Blake copied the text into his diary, for fear the paper would eventually crumble away to nothing. CHARLES    I think I'll have another-- SOUND    SHIFT OF BOX EDWARD    [a little too vehement] Not that box!  I mean, the candy is in YOUR box. Over there. CHARLES    [bit of a smirk] Oh.  How forgetful of me. WARREN    What is it with the boxes?  RICHARD    [knowing laugh] EDWARD    The notes were typical journalistic jottings, a list of dates and events - all involving the church.  From "Prof. Enoch Bowen home from Egypt May 1844 - buys Church in July" the notes list a number of instances of people speaking or acting against Starry Wisdom, and finally, in April 1877, a number of members were apparently run out of town for their "beliefs." WARREN    Ah!  THAT's what I've been trying to remember!  Starry Wisdom, indeed.  Weren't they accused of human sacrifice? EDWARD    The notes do list a number of disappearances attributed to them.  Here, see for yourself. SOUND    PAPER BEING PASSED HERBERT    [dryly sarcastic] Because, of course, no one ever leaves home of their own accord. CHARLES    The community around was mostly catholic.  Pretty tightly knit. RICHARD    Tightly wound, too, from the sound of it.  Here it says that a mob of "Irish boys" - shouldn’t that be "lads"? - attacked the church, but it doesn't say what came of it. EDWARD    The locals assumed whatever was going on was devil worship.  That's certainly why Lillibridge broke in. BLAKE    They say the Shining Trapezohedron shows them heaven and other worlds, and that the Haunter of the Dark tells them secrets. HERBERT    Did Lillibridge fall off the ladder?  That could easily snap a man's neck, given enough height, or the proper trajectory.  EDWARD    The cause was ... uncertain. BLAKE    I stooped over the gleaming bones. Some of them were badly scattered, and a few seemed oddly ...dissolved at the ends. The skull was in a very peculiar state - stained yellow, and with a charred aperture in the top as if some powerful acid had eaten through the solid bone. EDWARD    Before he realized it, Blake found himself staring at the trapezohedron again, and letting its curious influence call up images in his head. BLAKE    [very spooky] And beyond all else I glimpsed an infinite gulf of darkness, where solid and semisolid forms were known only by their windy stirrings, and cloudy patterns of force seemed to superimpose order on chaos and hold forth a key to all the paradoxes and arcana of the worlds we know. HERBERT    [disgusted] Purple prose. RICHARD    It's very evocative. WARREN    There are certain primitive tribes who ingest drugs to glimpse just such visions. CHARLES    Not another-- WARREN    No, really, I was just about to say that if there was some item that caused "visions", it could easily have become the central focus of a religious cabal. CHARLES    Good and concise. WARREN     If I was gong to wax on, it would be to draw a comparison to the myth of Pandora, or some other famous myth regarding the dangers of curiosity. CHARLES    Well, thank goodness you restrained yourself. EDWARD    Blake finally managed to pull himself away.  Probably noticed the day was waning, and he hadn't thought to bring a torch. BLAKE    It was then, in the gathering twilight, that I thought I saw a faint trace of luminosity in the crazily angled stone. Was there a subtle phosphorescence of radio-activity about the thing? HERBERT    Finally something I can grasp.  Radio-activity is a concrete scientific essence, and could easily be the source of any number of superstitious explanations. CHARLES    If it comes up again, we'll consult you. BLAKE    I seized the cover of the long-open box and snapped it down. At the sharp click of that closing, a soft stirring sound seemed to come from the steeple's eternal blackness overhead, beyond the trap-door. EDWARD    That finally frightened him, and he plunged wildly out into the street, running all the way home. CHARLES    Didn't get lost this time? WARREN    [wistful] I don't suppose the church is still there - you said this all happened fairly recently? EDWARD    It burned down the day after Blake's death.  WARREN    Blast.  Evil or not, those books are a great loss to the general body of human knowledge. EDWARD    During the days which followed, Blake did a lot of research, and worked feverishly at the cryptogram in the notebook. CHARLES    I do like a good cryptogram.  EDWARD    He says he solved the code in June, but didn't bother to include an actual translation in here. There are sketchy references to a "Haunter of the Dark" that could be awakened by someone gazing into the Shining Trapezohedron. RICHARD    You mean, just as he had looked into it? EDWARD    And he clearly believed that he had inadvertently summoned it. WARREN    Hah!  Like Pandora - letting the cat out of the bag, or rather the monsters out of the box. RICHARD    He didn't open the box.  Just gazed into the stone.  The box was already open. WARREN    A metaphorical opening of the way, then - still amounts to the same thing. HERBERT    Some creature from an undefined place regarded this stone as what - the operator on its personal telephone exchange? EDWARD    He felt like it was just watching for its chance to walk abroad.  He also notes, however, that the streetlights seemed to keep it trapped - forming a bulwark of light against its escape. WARREN    Throughout history, light has been the enemy of evil.  Whether it's sunlight causing harm to a shade or the reversion to human of a lycanthrope with the dawn. RICHARD    And ghosts don't walk around by day - it would fade their sheets. EDWARD    Blake writes a lot about the Shining Trapezohedron, calling it a window on all time and space, and trying to trace its largely unbelievable history. HERBERT    Unbelievable? EDWARD    Brought from some other sphere or planet by some elder race. HERBERT    Hmph.  That's just superstitious claptrap repackaged for a modern age.  Any number of objects have fallen to earth with origins clearly outside what we think of as the normal world.  RICHARD    I heard about a meteor up north that had some quite terrible effects. HERBERT    And yet, they have no root in "evil", beyond what we attribute to them.  Science doesn't shy away the way religion does.  We don't just hang a sign on it that says "here there be dragons" and nervously turn our backs.  Science grows to encompass new information.  RICHARD    [snide] Like an amoeba absorbs its food? HERBERT    [thinks, then] Hmm.  I suppose that's one way of picturing it. WARREN    Or water flowing into a series of newly-dug irrigation trenches. CHARLES    [prompting] Realms "beyond"? EDWARD    Blake seemed to think that the only way to banish the evil was to bury the stone and let daylight into the steeple. SOUND    PICKS UP AND OPENS BOX, THEN SHUTS IT AGAIN QUICKLY EDWARD    At the same time, however, Blake goes on at some length about his morbid longing to gaze again into the cosmic secrets of the glowing stone. HERBERT    Impressionable people should stay out of certain fields of endeavor.  RICHARD    Oh?  HERBERT    People with fragile minds are better left to the arts than to science, or investigations into the unknown. RICHARD    I'll have you know that Art can be a terrible wretch of a mistress. HERBERT    With science, you can work your entire life, and never get a single word of encouragement. WARREN    Academia is entirely indifferent to any of us who toil in her fields. RICHARD    At least your field moves forward slowly enough that by the time someone proves your theory wrong, you've been dead long enough to be an exhibit yourself. CHARLES    Shall we put them in opposite corners, or have them construct essays on their misconduct? EDWARD    There aren't enough corners, even in YOUR house. RICHARD    My apologies.  HERBERT    Hmph. WARREN    So sorry.  Pray go on. EDWARD    The morning of July 17, something in the paper really set Blake off.  During the night, a storm had put the city's lighting-system out for a full hour. CHARLES    I'll bet that didn't go over well. EDWARD    The superstitious locals ran mad.  They surrounded the old church, brandishing candles and lamps. WARREN    A vigil. EDWARD    And shuddered at the horrible noises coming from within. CHARLES    I know a few buildings I regard that way. EDWARD    Soon after, in daytime, reporters broke in and found the dust within was all churned up. There was also a bad odour everywhere, and here and there were bits of yellow stain and patches of what looked like charring. HERBERT    Similar to the bones?  Did anyone ever run any scientific tests on any of this residue? EDWARD    Not that I have any note on.  The reporters  noted the stone pillar, but the metal box and the old mutilated skeleton were not mentioned. WARREN    Hmm.  Gone, or simply overlooked? HERBERT    The newspapers love to print prurient details. CHARLES    How prurient is a rock in a box? EDWARD    From this point onwards Blake's diary shows a mounting tide of horror and apprehension. He frantically telephoned the electric light company more than once, asking - even demanding - that desperate precautions be taken to avoid another loss of power. BLAKE    My worst fears concerned the unholy rapport I felt existed between my mind and that lurking horror in the distant steeple- that monstrous thing of night which my rashness had called out of the ultimate black spaces. CHARLES    Sounds like he should have invested his last dollar in safety lanterns. RICHARD    And a trip to the tropics! EDWARD    People calling on him at the time remember how he would sit and stare out of the west window.  He spoke often of strange dreams - not nightmares, precisely, but eerily similar to the vision he'd had when gazing into the stone.  WARREN    Sounds almost like shellshock.  The way memories come back to haunt soldiers. EDWARD    It got worse.  He kept stout cords near his bed so he could bind his ankles at night to prevent himself from somnambulism. CHARLES    I had a friend had to do that once.  If the struggle to get out of bed didn't waken him, the falling flat on his face certainly would. BLAKE    I thought often of the ancient legends of Ultimate Chaos, at whose centre sprawls the blind idiot god Azathoth, Lord of All Things, encircled by his flopping horde of mindless and amorphous dancers, and lulled by the thin monotonous piping of a demoniac flute held in nameless paws. WARREN    Azathoth!  Now there's a name to conjure with!  Or not to...  preferably.  [winding down] Probably best not to mention it at all. EDWARD    The night of the 30th, Blake came to suddenly, finding himself in a horribly familiar darkened space.  A panic flight ensued, leaving him senseless until morning. CHARLES    Are you saying he managed to sleepwalk all the way across town? EDWARD    Well, the next morning he found himself lying on his study floor fully dressed. Dirt and cobwebs covered him, and every inch of his body sore and bruised. He writes that his hair was badly scorched, and a trace of a strange evil odour clung to his clothing. It was then that his nerves broke down. RICHARD    I think he was overdue.  HERBERT    While I don't understand the phenomena of sleepwalking, I do accept that it occurs. CHARLES    How big of you. HERBERT    But while one might walk in such a fugue-like state, would one take such niceties as getting dressed into consideration? WARREN    It's probably much like a state of mesmerism.  One does what one is told to so. HERBERT    But if no one told him-- CHARLES    Should be obvious.  We've all been told enough times in our lives not to go outside without a jacket.  EVERYONE    [general laughter] EDWARD    August eighth.  The great storm broke just before midnight. Lightning struck in all parts of the city, and a couple of remarkable fireballs were reported.  Blake was utterly frantic and recorded everything in his diary- HERBERT    Did he write that he was frantic? RICHARD    He was the type to record everything. EDWARD    It was more the tone of the things he did write, but his handwriting is very telling, too.  See? SOUND    PAPERS PASS CHARLES    Interesting. SOUND    PAPERS PASS WARREN    Ah.  Yes.  The way it changes - getting bigger, and less readable.  RICHARD    Also harder to write once the lights go out. EDWARD    That hadn't happened - yet.  See, he's still fretting over it right here.  "The lights must not go"; BLAKE    "It knows where I am"; EDWARD    "I must destroy it"; and BLAKE    "it is calling to me, but perhaps it means no injury this time"; EDWARD    --are found scattered down two of the pages.  Ending with-- BLAKE    "Lights out- God help me." EDWARD    At 2.35 the noises at the steeple swelled.  Then, a sound of splintering wood and a large, heavy object crashed down in the yard beneath the frowning easterly façade. RICHARD    Where were the praying multitude? EDWARD    Right there.  Whom do you think was left to tell the tale?  In fact, just as the "escape" was made, with a vibration as of flapping wings, a sudden east-blowing wind snatched off hats and wrenched dripping umbrellas from the crowd. CHARLES    Dousing all the tiny pinpricks of the candles? HERBERT    Quite literally, if the downpour was that prodigious. EDWARD    They must have managed to get some of their lights relit, for they remained at their posts.  The rain didn't stop for another half hour, and shortly after that, the electric lights came back on.  WARREN    You have quite a comprehensive narration, considering the burden of fear the watchers must have been laboring under. EDWARD    The papers gave these matters minor mention in connection with the general storm reports.  I suspect reporters, being what they are, were present during the events. RICHARD    [chuckling] Perhaps someone writing sensational fiction dropped in for a cold chill. EDWARD    The one thing that baffled press and meteorologists alike was a lone lightning-bolt that seemed to have struck somewhere in Blake's neighborhood, though no trace of its striking could afterwards be found. CHARLES    Until--? EDWARD    Precisely.  When a policeman forced the door, Blake's rigid body sat bolt upright at his desk by the window, with glassy, bulging eyes, and the look of stark, convulsive fright on his twisted features!  They were reportedly quite sickened. RICHARD    Police are such delicate flowers.  Always being sickened by things. HERBERT    Looking at such damage objectively, a face of fear is much the same as a face in pain, it's all in the attribution the onlooker gives to the damage-- EDWARD    The coroner's physician made an examination, and despite the unbroken window, reported the death as the result of electrical shock, or rather nervous tension induced by electrical discharge. HERBERT    Electricity is not an entirely understood element, even now.  New possibilities and capabilities are being discovered every day.  I've often thought myself that electricity might be the key to, say, restarting a stopped heart. CHARLES    If you don't want a stopped heart yourself, Herbert, pray let Edward finish.  We're nearly to a conclusion, if I don't miss my guess.  I think I'll turn out the electric lights.  Leave us in the dark like Blake.  Edward can keep the candle. SOUND    GETS UP, LIGHTS CLICK OFF EDWARD    There isn't really a nice convenient ending, just another, larger question mark.  Blake prolonged his frenzied jottings to the last.  In fact, the broken-pointed pencil was found clutched in his spasmodically contracted right hand. WARREN    Spontaneous rigor.  Not uncommon in cases of sudden, catastrophic death.  Leads to the so-called "death grip" of detective fiction. EDWARD    The entries after the failure of the lights were highly disjointed, and legible only in part. BLAKE    Lights still out - must be five minutes now. Everything depends on lightning. Yaddith grant it will keep up!... HERBERT    Yaddith? WARREN    Some ancient deity I'm not familiar with. BLAKE    Some influence seems beating through it... Rain and thunder and wind deafen... The thing is taking hold of my mind... What am I afraid of? Is it not an avatar of Nyarlathotep, who in antique and shadowy Khem even took the form of man? WARREN    Ah, Nyarlathotep, the mysterious "dark man" who can take many forms. BLAKE    The long, winging flight through the void... cannot cross the universe of light... re-created by the thoughts caught in the Shining Trapezohedron... send it through the horrible abysses of radiance... RICHARD    Lost his mind completely. EDWARD    I think he agreed with you. BLAKE    My name is Blake- Robert Harrison Blake of 620 East Knapp Street, Milwaukee, Wisconsin... I am on this planet... CHARLES    As if he was trying to find his way home. BLAKE    Azathoth have mercy!- the lightning no longer flashes- horrible- I can see everything with a monstrous sense that is not sight- light is dark and dark is light... I am it and it is I - I want to get out... must get out and unify the forces... it knows where I am... I am Robert Blake, but I see the tower in the dark. There is a monstrous odour... senses transfigured... boarding at that tower window cracking and giving way... Iä... ngai... ygg... I see it - coming here - hell-wind - titan blue - black wing - Yog Sothoth save me - the three-lobed burning eye... [after a moment] WARREN    [sigh wistfully] I can almost smell the sulphuric tang. HERBERT    I certainly can.  Something must be burning. CHARLES    [over-innocent] Burning?  Nonsense. RICHARD    There is definitely a smell. EDWARD    [teasing] Someone here just couldn't stand the suspense, could you, Richard? RICHARD    Moi? HERBERT    Suspense? EDWARD    It wasn't a very good joke, but the box - this box - contained just enough sulfur to make a good pong if anyone got nosy and opened it to see if I really had the shining trapezohedron. WARREN    I suppose that, much like Pandora, there are certain things that you can never quite get back into a box.  END

A man is pestered to take a government job....

(A loose adaptation of "The Picture in the House" by H.P. Lovecraft) Five friends get together to spook each other with stories, and Charles tells a tale of a weird encounter with a strange old man.   Cast List Charles - Michael Coleman (Tales of the Extraordinary) Warren - Glen Hallstrom Richard - Philemon Vanderbeck Herbert - Carl Cubbedge Edward - Bryan Hendrickson Creepy Old Guy - J. Hoverson Martha - Risa Torres Music by Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a brownstone dinner party, can't you tell?" *************************************************** THE PICTURE IN THE HOUSE (Lovecraft 5, #1) Cast: Charles, a dilettante Herbert, a scientist Richard, a painter Warren, a professor Edward, the missing member, a writer Scary old man Martha, the cook OLIVIA     [opening credits] Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a brownstone dinner party, can't you tell?  MUSIC 1_after dinnerish SOUND     RAIN.  RECORD PLAYER CLICKS AND MUSIC STARTS SOUND     FOOTSTEPS HERBERT    What's the tune? SOUND    MATCH STRIKES CHARLES    It's-- RICHARD    That's one of Eric's isn’t it?  CHARLES    No-o-o.  You know he never records. WARREN    I must say that veal cutlet was excellent.  Positively delicious.  Compliments to your cook, Charles. CHARLES    Excellent woman.  Don't know what I would do without her.  Been with the family for years. HERBERT    That's the only way to get good help these days - I wish I was fortunate enough to inherit hereditary retainers. WARREN    Any chance I can get the recipe for the cooking staff at the faculty dining hall?  We don't get veal very often, but-- CHARLES    I'll ask, but I doubt it - she's very secretive about her seasonings.  Now, Herbert, see that everyone has a good stiff drink, for-- RICHARD    Aren't we waiting on Edward? CHARLES    [darkly]  He isn't able to join us tonight.  Don't worry - I'm quite sure he won't hold it against us. HERBERT    Here you go. WARREN    Cheers.  [drinks]  So, what is this story you've brought us here for, Charles? HERBERT    Anyone for a cigar? WARREN    Ah, certainly. RICHARD    I won't say no. WARREN    You promised us a tale to - I believe the phrase you used was "to make the gorge rise and the hair stand on end", wasn't it? CHARLES    Yes.  And I know you all consider me the weakest of us all for telling a coherent tale, just because I have a tendency to let myself get distracted and lose my place, but I have a real corker for tonight. HERBERT    Well, we're all uncorked ... now, so lets see what you can do to us. CHARLES    All right, I won't keep you in suspense any longer.  You recall that I was away for most of last summer, traveling around the back country roads of New England, looking up genealogical records, tracing my family? WARREN    Of course - and we all envy you, being a man of enough leisure to be able to wander off at will, instead of having to stay around for your job. RICHARD    What do you know about jobs?  You're an academic.  That's hardly a real job. HERBERT    Hah!  This from the artist.  Now, science - science is an all-consuming master. CHARLES    All right.  All right.  Come on - it's my party and my story.  Don't really matter what your jobs are - you're all idiot enough to be my friends, and that's all that matters. EVERYONE    [general laughter] CHARLES    I don't know whether you'll believe me or not - probably not, but it's all true. HERBERT    It won't be that easy - you're talking to a couple of hardened skeptics here.  I won't believe anything without empirical proof and Warren won't believe you 'til it's written in a book at least a hundred years old, with footnotes and cross-references. WARREN    [snort] RICHARD    And me? HERBERT    Oh, you artists - who knows what you'll believe. CHARLES    [chuckles] We'll see what you all think by the time I'm finshed. RICHARD    Edward'll regret having missed a good story. 2_story starts CHARLES    [darkly] We'll worry about Edward later.  [beat]  If I don't start, we'll be here til dawn, so let's have a bit of hush.  [beat]  Damn-- [forgot] WARREN    You were cycling around the countryside. CHARLES    Right.  And I was pedaling like mad, trying to keep in front of this wicked great thundershower, when I spotted a crumbling pile - an ancient cottage built right up into the side of a hill.  It had reached that stage of decrepitude where you're not sure whether it was built there, or just sprang up like a mushroom. RICHARD    Very evocative.  Rounded corners, slanting walls, you can almost smell the mildew. CHARLES    May I continue? WARREN    You didn't happen to have a camera with you on your sojourn, did you? CHARLES    I wasn't sightseeing.  Never been any good with one of them contraptions anyway.  [sigh]  RICHARD    [prompting] The house. CHARLES    Right, so since it was the only structure - and I use the term very lightly - that I'd seen in hours and hours, I decided that forbidding as it looked, the clouds rolling in were worse.  I was already feeling the rain, and the lightning kept striking closer and closer. SOUND    THUNDER EVERYONE    [gasps] WARREN    Well!  That was timely. HERBERT    Now how did you manage that? CHARLES    Sheer luck.  Although the weather report did-- RICHARD    Ah, so you haven't been looking through any of those old grimoires Warren has charge of? WARREN    Oh, stop. CHARLES    Where was I? WARREN    Perhaps you should keep some notes - I find note cards work quite adequately for me when I'm called upon to give a lecture. CHARLES    [sigh] I went into the house.  I knocked first - I certainly didn't want to meet an angry homeowner with a shotgun in my face.  But since there was no answer, I figured it might be abandoned.  And the rain was starting to come down like rods. SOUND    THUNDER EVERYONE    [mild chuckles] CHARLES    [full-on storytelling mode] Inside was a little vestibule with walls from which the plaster was falling, and through the doorway came a faint but peculiarly hateful odor.  I entered, leaned my cycle against the wall, and crossed into a small, dim chamber, furnished in the barest and most primitive possible way.  It appeared to be a kind of sitting-room, for it had a table and several chairs - and an immense fireplace above which ticked an antique clock on a mantel. Books and papers were very few, and in the prevailing gloom I could not readily discern the titles.  Now, in all the room I could not discover a single article of definitely post-revolutionary date!  Had the furnishings been less humble, the place would have been a collector's paradise. 3_music changes SOUND    THE RECORD STOPS. CLICK AS THE NEXT RECORD GOES ON WARREN    You didn't look at the books at all?  Pity. CHARLES    You enthusiasts - always gallivanting ahead.  [dry chuckle] The first object of my curiosity was a book.  It lay open upon the table, presenting such an antediluvian aspect that I marveled at beholding it outside a museum or libary.  Bound in leather with metal fittings, it was in an excellent state of preservation - altogether an unusual sort of volume to encounter in an abode so lowly. WARREN    [eager] And the title? CHARLES    Hold your damn hosses.  When I opened it to the title page my wonder grew even greater, for it proved to be nothing less rare than... [beat, dragging out the suspense] WARREN    Ye-e-e-es? CHARLES    Pigafetta's account of the Congo region, written in Latin from the notes of the sailor Lopex and printed at Frankfurt in 1598. WARREN    [awed!] There's only 12 known copies extant. RICHARD    And you know that off the top of your head?  Oh, Warren.  You need a wife... or at the very least a bad habit. WARREN    Ssh.  The book? CHARLES    The engravings were indeed interesting, drawn wholly from imagination and careless descriptions - it even represented natives with Caucasian features.  Nor would I soon have closed the book had not an exceedingly trivial circumstance upset my tired nerves and revived my sensation of disquiet. SOUND    RATTLE OF HARD RAIN AGAINST THE WINDOW HERBERT    I think I need another drink.  Anyone?  SOUND     DRINKS POUR CHARLES     Go on ahead.  WARREN    [jumping in] The book? CHARLES    [exasperated sigh] What annoyed me was merely the persistent way in which the volume tended to fall open of itself at Plate twelve, which represented in gruesome detail a butcher's shop of the cannibal Anziques. WARREN    Anziques?  They were wiped off the face of the Congo in the seventeenth century, I believe? HERBERT    Were you aware that cannibalism was nowhere near as widespread as so-called history tells us? WARREN    That is a debatable point-- HERBERT    No, no, really - One of the easiest rallying cries to convince your followers to annihilate or enslave another culture was to accuse them of anthropophagy. CHARLES    Fascinating as this is, save it for your own dinner party, Herbert.  What you find so very engaging, I found exceedingly grotesque - to my own shame.  The drawing disturbed me, especially in connection with some adjacent passages descriptive of Anzique gastronomy. HERBERT    What did it say? CHARLES    [annoyed] It's hardly important.  I've worked hard to forget it.  [calm] Anyway, I was examining the rest of the meagre libary - an eighteenth century Bible, a "Pilgrim's Progress" of like period, the rotting bulk of Cotton Mather's "Magnalia Christi Americana," and a few other books of evidently equal age - when my attention was aroused by the unmistakable sound of walking in the room overhead. 4_cook SOUND    DOOR OPENS EVERYONE    [gasps] MARTHA    I'm so sorry sir, I thought you'd all be done by now - I was gonna clean up.  I'll just - I'll just get to it in the morning. CHARLES    Yes, yes of course Martha.  Have a good night. SOUND    DOOR CLOSES RICHARD    You set her up to do that. CHARLES    [not quite convincing]  Of course not.  Heaven forbid.  [a bit smug] That'd be such an entirely transparent ruse.  RICHARD    Perhaps you should be writing these sorts of thrillers, rather than Edward. WARREN    Did he say why he missed coming out tonight? CHARLES    [exasperated sigh]  He dropped by earlier for a moment, but he didn't have much to say.  If I may continue? WARREN    I, at least, am interested. CHARLES    Thank you very much.  I concluded that the occupant had just awakened from a sound sleep, and listened with less surprise as the footsteps sounded on the creaking stairs.  Then, after a moment of silence during which the walker may have been inspecting my bicycle, I heard a fumbling at the door latch and saw the paneled portal swing open again. SOUND    PAUSE, SOME GASPS AS THEY AWAIT SOME SOUND WHICH DOESN'T COME. EVERYONE    [chuckles] CHARLES    In the doorway stood a person of such singular appearance that I might have exclaimed aloud - but for the restraints of good breeding.  Old, white-bearded, and ragged, his height could not have been less than six feet, and despite a general air of age and poverty he was stout and powerful in proportion.  His face, almost hidden by a long beard which grew high on the cheeks, seemed abnormally ruddy and less wrinkled than one might expect; while over a high forehead fell a shock of white hair little thinned by the years.  His blue eyes, though a trifle bloodshot, seemed inexplicably keen and burning.  But for his horrible unkemptness the man would have been as distinguished-looking as he was impressive. WARREN    Unkemptness? HERBERT    I expect the word he should be using - but for the restraints of good breeding - is odoriferous? RICHARD    A-yuh. - the elderly... CHARLES    Yes, yes.   WARREN    Well, Charles, you're halfway to your goal - that alone very nearly brought up my dinner.  CHARLES     It wasn't just the house that suffered from... damp and mildew.  Shall we leave it at that?    5_old man speaks SOUND    RECORD PLAYER CHANGES AGAIN - TO MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK SOUND    CLOCK GETS LOUDER CHARLES    [fading into flashback] The appearance of this man, and the instinctive fear he inspired, prepared me for something like enmity; so that I almost shuddered through surprise and a sense of uncanny incongruity when he motioned me to a chair and addressed me in a thin, weak voice full of fawning respect and ingratiating hospitality. OLD GUY    Catched in the rain, be ye?  Glad ye was nigh the house an' had the sense t' come right in.  I calculate I was asleep, else I'd a heard ye - I ain't as young as I used to be, an' I need a powerful sight o' naps nowadays. WARREN    [breaking] He truly sounded like that?  That's quite an extreme form of archaic Yankee dialect.  I'd thought anything like that dead and gone long years back. HERBERT    There are strange holdouts in little pocket communities all over the back woods. CHARLES    I apologized for my rude entry into his domicile, and-- OLD GUY    Travelling far?  I hain't seen many folks 'long this road since they took off the Arkham stage. CHARLES    I replied that I was going to Arkham, whereupon he continued. OLD GUY    Glad t' see ye, young Sir - new faces is scarce around here, an' I hain't got much t' cheer me up these days. Guess you hail from Boston, don't ye? I never been there, but I can tell a town man when I see 'im - we had one for district schoolmaster in 'eighty-four, but he quit sudden an' no one never heared on 'im since - CHARLES    Here the old man lapsed into a kind of chuckle, and made no explanation when I questioned him.  For some time he rambled on, when it struck me to ask him how he came by so rare a book as Pigafetta's "Regnum Congo." OLD GUY    Oh, that Afriky book? Cap'n Ebenezer Holt traded me that in 'sixty-eight - him as was killed in the war. CHARLES    Now, Ebenezer Holt was a name I had encountered in my genealogical work, but not in any record since the Revolution. I speculated that my host could help me in the task at which I was laboring. OLD GUY    Ebenezer was on a Salem merchantman for years, an' picked up a sight o' queer stuff in every port. He got this in London, I guess - he used to like to buy things at the shops. I was up t' his house once, on the hill, trading horses, when I see this book. I relished the pictures, so he give it in on a swap. 'Tis a queer book - here, leave me get on my spectacles- HERBERT    Spectacles.  Quite terrifying.  A smelly old man in cheaters.  Funny I somehow recall you promising a tale that would set all our hair on end. WARREN    I, for one, am fascinated.  Your recall of his accent is quite impressive.  Is he, do you know - despite being as old as you describe - is he still among the living? CHARLES    I am quite certain of the contrary. WARREN    Pity.  6_more drinks RICHARD    More drinks? CHARLES    Perhaps one more round.  And yes, I am about to get to the meat of the matter, so to speak, if you can hold on for a bit longer, Herbert. HERBERT    Very well.  Patience is a virtue more useful to scientists than many.  I'm putting on my listening face. CHARLES    Good.  The old man donned his glasses, then reached for the volume on the table and turned the pages lovingly. OLD GUY    Ebenezer could read a little o' this - 'tis Latin - but I can't.  I had two or three schoolmasters read me a bit, and Parson Clark, him they say got drownded in the pond - can you make anything out on it? CHARLES     I told him that I could, and translated for his benefit a paragraph near the beginning. If I erred, he was not scholar enough to correct me; for he seemed childishly pleased at my English version. His proximity was becoming rather obnoxious-- HERBERT    Simple hygiene was one of the most important scientific and medical discoveries of the-- CHARLES    [overriding] --yet I saw no way to escape without offending him. I was amused at the childish fondness of this ignorant old man for the pictures in a book he could not read, and wondered how much better he could read the few books in English which adorned the room. This revelation of simplicity removed much of the ill-defined apprehension I had felt, and I smiled as my host rambled on: OLD GUY    Queer how pictures kin set a body thinkin'. Take this one here near the front.  Have you ever seen trees like that, with big leaves a floppin' over an' down?  Some o' these here critters looks like monkeys, or half monkeys an' half men, but I never heared o' nothin' like this un. CHARLES    Here he pointed to a fabulous creature of the artist, which one might describe as a sort of dragon with the head of an alligator. RICHARD    I've seen things like that myself in mediaeval and renaissance art.  To my recollection Bosch painted some, and there's at least one or two in the woodcuts of Breughel. OLD GUY    But now I'll show ye the best un - over here nigh the middle - [getting excited]  What d'ye think o' this - ain't never seen the like hereabouts, eh? When I see this I telled Eb Holt, 'That's somethin' to stir ye up an' make your blood tickle.' RICHARD    Was this still the cut of the lizard man thing? CHARLES    No, [heavy import] he'd just let the book fall open where it would-- OLD GUY    When I read in Scripture about slayin' - like them Midianites was slew - I kinder think things, but I ain't got no picture of it.  Here a body can see all they is to it - I s'pose 'tis sinful, but ain't we all born an' livin' in sin? WARREN    Ahhh - the same picture that put the chills up you? CHARLES    Well, he obviously didn't feel the same way about it-- OLD GUY    That feller bein' chopped up gives me a tickle every time I look at 'im - I have to keep lookin' at 'im - see where the butcher cut off his feet?  There's his head on that bench, with one arm side of it, an' t' other arm's on the other side o' the meat block. CHARLES    As the man mumbled on in his shocking ecstasy the expression on his hairy, spectacled face became indescribable, but his voice sank rather than mounted.  He was almost whispering now, with a huskiness more terrible than a scream. OLD GUY    As I says, 'tis queer how pictures sets ye thinkin'. Do ye know, young Sir, I'm right sot on this one here. After I got the book off Eb I used to look at it a lot, especial when I'd heared Parson Clark rant o' Sundays in his big wig. WARREN    [realizing what the word is] Oh, "Parson"! RICHARD    Oh!  I thought that was his name! WARREN    No, it was the reference to the wig that-- CHARLES    Tell him later.  WARREN    I'll never remember-- CHARLES    Perhaps you should keep some note cards. OLD GUY    Once I tried somethin' funny - here, young Sir, don't get skeert [scared] - all I done was to look at the picture afore I killed the sheep for market - killin' sheep was kind of more fun after lookin' at it - CHARLES    The tone of the old man now sank very low, sometimes becoming so faint that his words were hardly audible. 7_killing sheep SOUND    THE RECORD CHANGES, BECOMES MORE SINISTER SOUNDING CHARLES    I listened to the rain, and to the rattling of the bleared, small-paned windows, and marked a rumbling of approaching thunder quite unusual for the season. OLD MAN    Killin' sheep was kind of more fun - but d'ye know, 't wasn't quite satisfyin'. Queer how a cravin' gets a hold of ye - As ye love the Almighty, young man, don't tell nobody, but I swear to God that picture begun to make me hungry for victuals I couldn't raise nor buy - here, set still, what's ailin' ye? - I didn't do nothin', only I wondered how 't would be if I did - They say meat makes blood an' flesh, an' gives ye new life, so I wondered if 't wouldn't make a man live longer an' longer if 't was more o' the same - CHARLES    But the whisperer never continued. The interruption was not produced by my fright, nor by the rapidly increasing storm. It was produced by a very simple, though somewhat unusual, happening. CHARLES    The open book lay flat between us, with the picture staring repulsively upward. As the old man whispered the words-- OLD GUY    more o' the same CHARLES     --a tiny splattering impact was heard, and something showed on the yellowed paper of the upturned volume. SOUND    THUNDER SHAKES THE HOUSE CHARLES    Oh, heavens! RICHARD    That's why Edward is absent, is it?  I know he's quite the fellow for phobias and superstitions - maybe he has to stay in to avoid the lightning? HERBERT    No - storms have never been on his list - not that he's ever told me.  Anything underground, foreigners, the fair sex, getting lost, and cold drafts - those he will go on and on about avoiding, but never storms.  WARREN    Not that I've heard, either.  But I can add illness, the clear night sky, and heredity to things which make him uneasy. CHARLES    [heavy sigh] I'm almost finished, then you three can gossip on like old biddies all you want.  [storytelling] The drip.  I thought of the rain and of a leaky roof, but rain is not red.  On the butcher's shop of the Anzique cannibals, a small red spattering glistened picturesquely, lending vividness to the horror of the engraving.   SOUND    SQUEAK OF LEATHER CHAIR, AS HE SITS FORWARD CHARLES    The old man saw it, and stopped whispering even before my expression of horror made it necessary; saw it and glanced quickly toward the floor of the room he had left an hour before. I followed his glance, and beheld just above us on the loose plaster of the ancient ceiling a large irregular spot of wet crimson which seemed to spread even as I viewed it. For a moment I couldn't even move, Then a thunderclap broke me out of my hypnotic stare and I realized just what a fix I was in. RICHARD    How did you manage to get away? CHARLES    Oh, so now I have your attention.  Well, it was simple really - I told the authorities later that lightning had struck the house, and I barely escaped with my life, but really-- HERBERT    Lightning?  Ridiculous.  Not that it wouldn't strike a house, but-- CHARLES    BUT - What happened was, I tipped over his lamp, sending burning oil everywhere.  Then I dashed past and out the building, while the old man screamed and wailed behind me. WARREN    Angry at you, was he? CHARLES    [very dry] Well he was on fire.  RICHARD    And the blood? CHARLES    For all that, I wasn't curious enough to go back and look.  Even left my bicycle behind, and had to go shanks mare [on foot] - and through the tail end of the storm, mind you. WARREN    Well, that was an interesting-- 8_windigo CHARLES     Hold on, now.  That's mostly the end of the story, but that crazy old man set me t'thinking ... [trails off] RICHARD    [mildly curious] Yes? CHARLES    Well, I recalled pretty clearly the names he'd mentioned as people he knew back in the day, and when I looked them up in historical records - a couple of them being rather famous, at least locally - and they'd all been dead for at least 50 years. WARREN    He must have been telling you something told him by his father or grandfather - older folks, particularly those in isolated country settings, are often a bit delusional. RICHARD    How old do you think he was? CHARLES    He looked to be about 70, allowing for wind and weather and poverty-- RICHARD    And unkemptness-- WARREN    Yes, yes... CHARLES    --but he was also hale and hearty and strong and .... plump. RICHARD    But you can't think that-- CHARLES    So I started to look into the whole theory.  It was really those last words-- OLD GUY    [echoey] More o'the same... CHARLES     --that made me wonder.  So I find out there's an old Indian myth from a ways up north-- WARREN    The Wendigo?  But that's strictly a cautionary tale.  Ethnologists agree on that. HERBERT    The windy-what? WARREN    May I? CHARLES    [sigh] Certainly. WARREN    [lecturing] The Wendigo, also known as the Windeego, the windikkuk, or the whittikow, is a myth from the various Ojibwa-speaking Indian nations of Canada.  We assume it is a cautionary myth about the evils and perils of resorting to cannibalism during times of famine, particularly during the frozen winter months, which is why the wendigo is inextricably linked with cold and snow. HERBERT    Lovely.  But like scholars everywhere, you left out the best part - what precisely is the myth? WARREN    Oh!  [chuckles]  True, the background is often closer to the academic's heart-- RICHARD    I know the story.  And I won't bore Herbert with the ethnological derivations. WARREN    Go on, then. RICHARD    [spooky]  It is said that the windigo is the spirit of winter, howling always just outside the camps of the people, calling to them to break the taboos and let it in.  For when a man eats the flesh of another man, the spirit of the wendigo can enter him, and turn him into a ravening monster - never satisfied with lesser flesh ever again.  For the wendigo is hunger, endless hunger, and the more it eats, the greater its hunger grows.  So if you're ever in a snowstorm and see a man-like shape, thin and gaunt, and missing the tips of its fingers and its lips - for if it can't find other prey, it will devour its own extremities - you'd best run.  Fast. SOUND    [silent moment, then] LIGHT GOLF CLAP CHARLES     Nicely told.  RICHARD    I really could have used a thunderclap there somewhere.  How do you get so lucky? HERBERT    But your old man, who seems to have indulged himself in cannibalism - or at least, that appeared to be the point of your tale, was ruddy and healthy and stout.  Hmm.  Sounds more like Stoker's description of Count Dracula after a good biting. CHARLES    Interesting point.  I must admit I hadn't made that connection.  I suppose it's not that far a leap from drinking someone's blood to eating their flesh. HERBERT    Wine and wafers. WARREN    No!  I am not going to waste time indulging you in another anti-religious diatribe, Herbert.  We all know where you stand on that. CHARLES    Let's get back to my yarn. RICHARD    There's more?  I thought you'd quite finished? CHARLES    Just a bit to go yet.  There is another myth of the windigo, by the by, though it may be merely a literary creation of Algernon Blackwood.  He wrote of a windigo unrelated to the eating of human flesh-- HERBERT    Anthropophagy. CHARLES    Eh? HERBERT    Sorry.  Anthropophagy is the eating of human flesh.  Cannibalism is the eating of human flesh by a fellow human.  There's quite a difference. 9_blackwood CHARLES    [sigh] Blackwood wrote of the windigo as a huge lonely entity living in the north woods, which calls the names of hunters in the night to lure them away from their campfires.  And one sight of it could drive a man mad. WARREN    Blackwood probably did a bit of bowdlerizing on the original myth - he heard a good story and felt that the cannibalism angle would make it less worthy of publication.  HERBERT    Yes.  Edward has often spoken of his difficulties in getting some of his more gruesome tales into print.  Surprising how old-maid-ish some of these vaunted editors can be. RICHARD    He's not the only one.  Why some of my paintings have been shunned and I've had to remove them from view for fear of having them burned! HERBERT    It makes you wonder what people fear more, the mere act of being shown the horrible, or the person who shows it to them. CHARLES    Enough digression.  As I said, the old man made me wonder.  Made me curious what other tales there were of cannibalism.  After what I discovered, about various religious and cultural activities from around the world, I felt certain the windigo tale wasn't to be taken literally, but as a cautionary tale, created to warn people off from antisocial behavior-- RICHARD    Like Struwwelpeter?  You know, the children's book that warns good little children not to suck their thumbs or the scissor man will come and lop them off? CHARLES    Essentially.  In fact that's a very good example - teaching through use of extreme grotesquerie.  You can't say to a child "leave off sucking that thumb or you'll have pruney thumb in the morning", they just won't take it very seriously, so we invent extremes.  Go off the path and grandma will get eaten by a wolf.  Eat another person and you will turn into a ravening monster. HERBERT    I seem to remember struwwelpeter - it had some horrific illustrations, didn't it?  Particularly for children. CHARLES    I realize I can't possibly hold your interest much longer, but there is a bit more, if you will pay me the courtesy--  [beat] Right.  Well I found that in most cultures - disregarding the various incidents of cannibalism for survival, such as during wars and famines-- A1_medusa WARREN    Like the sinking of the Medusa? CHARLES    What? WARREN    Sorry.  Nothing.  Pray continue. CHARLES    Disregarding eating for survival, there was a pervasive belief that eating parts of one's conquered enemies - human or otherwise - would grant the eater some of the strength of the fallen one.  Many hunters ate the hearts of their prey for this very reason.  Hearts being the seat of bravery in many ancient cultures. RICHARD    The seat of bravery or romantic attachment - how sad it is now relegated to merely the centerpiece for the circulatory system. CHARLES    So they would devour other humans for their strength. Now putting this together with the old man's tale, and his necessary age, if indeed he'd met half the people he mentioned in passing-- HERBERT    And devoured them. CHARLES    Eh? HERBERT    I was thinking back on your tale - if you repeated his words and intonations correctly, and always assuming your cannibalism slant is the true one - then he probably et most of the people he referred to - like "him as they say drowned in the pond". CHARLES    Hmm... [unconvincing] Never really thought much on it. WARREN    Of course you did.  Now you have me interested again. CHARLES    Well, assuming he must have been a couple decades past a hundred when we spoke - at least - then the eating of human flesh had to have had the restorative properties he claimed it did.  Gaining strength from the fallen.  O'course there was always still the threat of the windigo, but I had ruled that out after all the extensive tales of cannibalism due to need in other quarters of the globe, and none of those folks gone crazy, running around eating their own lips. WARREN    [Muttered] The crew of the Medusa went mad. CHARLES    You're not going to let it go, are you?  Fine.  Tell us about the Medusa, but be quick, would you? WARREN    The medusa was a sailing ship heading for the cape of good hope which through poor management was run aground on a sand bar.  Everyone abandoned ship, and the sailors were lost on a raft for weeks.  By the time they were found, they'd resorted to cannibalism and gone mad, not necessarily in that order. RICHARD    I recall the painting in the Louvre - it's massive.  The pathos.  It seemed to imply they were within sight of land the entire time. WARREN    Well, paintings.  They're really more interested in the tragic story than the facts. CHARLES    And they went mad, eh? WARREN    Yes.  You see how it is more universal than you think? CHARLES    They went mad after eating each other. WARREN    Yes. CHARLES    --and being out on the open ocean, possibly within sight of land, for weeks, with no fresh water, in the blistering heat somewhere near the cape of good hope had nothing to do with it. HERBERT    And they started out French. WARREN    Well, when you put it that way-- A2_wrap up CHARLES    [snort] Well, as a final touch to my collection of cannibalistic stories, I did find one rather interesting description of human flesh - the taste and texture of it - written by a connoisseur who had tried some, that said it was much like a good veal - not so tough as beef, nor stringy. RICHARD    I expect that if your cook got ahold of some, it would taste just as good as the veal tonight. CHARLES    Yes.  [with import]  Very likely. HERBERT    Did the description say there was any way to tell the difference? CHARLES    Not if it was cut and prepared right.  Oh, if you found a finger in your stew, you would probably suspect something, but a chop is a chop.  And a roast is a roast. WARREN    [gulp] Where did Edward say he was tonight? CHARLES    He didn't.  You going mad yet?  HERBERT    [interested, not freaked]  You mean, you tricked us into--? WARREN    [trying not to vomit]  Edward!  But he was -- your-- our friend! CHARLES    Still is.  He'll be with us always. RICHARD    [horrified and fascinated]  How did you - do it? CHARLES    Well, I wouldn't let him suffer, would I?  After all, he was a friend. WARREN    I can't -- SOUND    GETTING UP FROM CHAIR, RAPID FOOTSTEPS SOUND    DOOR OPENS. FEET STOP SHORT. EDWARD    [laughing] The look on your face!  WARREN    [long painful gasp] Edward! EDWARD    I never knew you cared. WARREN    [faints] ahh! SOUND    BODY DROP HERBERT    These academics.  Not enough exercise, too much theory. RICHARD    So the cutlet? CHARLES    Veal, o'course, you ninnies.  I only promised you a story to make your gorge rise and your hair stand on end.  Besides.  Martha'd'a never put up with me pulling a stunt like that in her kitchen. END  

A lot of things in space take a lot of time.

Trigger Warnings below the script, below. Two girls in very different times and places both make their way to the top - One finds exaltation, the other merely death. Cast List Tess - Beverly Poole Teza - Lyndsey Thomas Mom - Kris Keppeler Markie/Malque - Julie Hoverson Doctor/Trainer/Priest - Mathias Rebne Morgan Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com)         Josh Woodward (JoshWoodward.com)         Philippe Mangold [Music of Woodward and Mangold used under a Creative Commons license and available through Jamendo.com] Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Photos: Chris Gilbert     (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com)   "What kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a mother's heart.  Can't you tell?" **************************************************************** LONELY AT THE TOP Cast: Tess (F/16) Teza (F/16) Markie/Marquay (F/16) Mom (F/40) Priest/Trainer/Doctor (M/40)   NOTE:  the roles are deliberately doubled to present the same “people” in both girls’ lives.  The “mom” speeches apply to both at the same time.   OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a Mother's heart, can't you tell?   MUSIC MOM's MUSIC MOM    Darling, this is wonderful.  You can't imagine how proud I am of you!  I've always known you were special, but it means so much to have someone like that see what I have always seen! MUSIC OUT AMB MODERN MARKIE    I totally can't believe it!  You made the cut? TESS    It's not set in stone yet - It's just the semi-finals, but mom's about to wet herself, she's so excited. MARKIE    But Miss Modern Teen Model 2009!  I mean, even if you wash out on the semi-finals, that's still soooo cool!  I wish I was pretty. TESS    Puh-lease.  You're cute.  Cute lasts.  Beauty fades. MARKIE    Cute.  Yeah, that's my curse.  Not tall enough to be a model, not short enough to walk under turnstiles... [laughs a bit bitterly] TESS    Cute lasts.  I have to make the most of this while I can.  Besides, you have plans for your future - the scholarships are lining up.  MARKIE    Yeah yeah yeah, but brains don't get you dates. TESS    Brains last too. MOM MUSIC MOM    The idea that my daughter - my lovely child - could go all the way to the top.  That you could have the perseverance and willpower to do what has to be done to make it.  It will reflect so well on all of us! MUSIC OUT AMB AZTEC MARQUE    You are one of the chosen? TEZA    [laughs delightedly] Yes!  There is still a long path ahead of me, but I feel - it feels right! MARQUE    You are so fortunate!  I wish I was graced with beauty pleasing to the gods.  TEZA    Everyone's fate is different, my dearest friend.  I hear your parents have found you a husband! MARQUE    He is ... kind.  Not unappealing.  Not too old.  Yes, it is a promising match.  I could certainly do worse. TEZA    So you have as much to look forward to as I do! MARQUE    Could you ... do something for me? TEZA    Anything - you are my dearest friend and I love you! MARQUE    When you ... get there, could you petition the great mother Chalchihuitlicue [chal-chee-weet-lee-cue] to smile upon my first pregnancy?  That say that should you survive the first, the others are not so hard. TEZA    Not even a bride yet, and you worry about bearing?  Silly.  Let your time come when it may.  MARQUE    But-- TEZA    But!  But I will.  I will speak with every goddess in the heavens if it will help ease your burden. MARQUE    I love you! MOM MUSIC MOM    Don't be afraid honey, I won't let you fail.  I know you can reach any goal you set your mind on.  You simply must keep your focus.  Can you do that?  Eyes on the prize, sweetheart.  And you know what that means - giving up the things that don't matter to clear the way for the things that do. AMB MODERN MOM    What are you eating? TESS    What?  Ice cream. MOM    No, no, no!  You know what Mr. Dupree said - these last few days before the pageant, you need to stick to simple foods.  No sugar!  Nothing bloaty.   TESS    Chill mom.  I made it this far-- MOM    It just gets harder, honey.  Every inch of the way is like another huge step up the side of a mountain.  None of these steps are easy, but they're worth the effort, if only because of the view once you get up there. TESS    You're really stoked on this, aren’t you? MOM    Yes honey, I'm stoked.  For you.  I want you to be able to get everything you can out of life - a model's life isn't easy, but there are plenty of rewards. TESS    [heard it a million times] and you have to get it while you can, because models are over the hill before they can legally drink. MOM    It's not funny, honey.  It's very serious.  Can't you give it just one year?  How hard is that - to push yourself, for just one year? TESS    I guess. MOM MUSIC MOM    When I heard that you had been chosen, that you were smiled upon out of all the girls, I nearly wept.  I was so pleased.  I've watched your sisters put themselves at the service of husband and children, and I wanted so much more for you.  You are my special, beautiful, darling. AMB AZTEC MARQUE    I'm sorry you will miss my wedding.  TEZA    It is set, then? MARQUE    Not the day, no, but it will be summer next, right after the sowing.  TEZA    A good time.  And I will be with you in spirit.  MARQUE    The midwife thinks I will be old enough, then.  [breaking a little] Oh, I will miss you!  Once you enter the grand temple, we can never speak again! TEZA    You will always be in my heart, as I know I will always be in yours.  I will watch over you and always hear you when you speak to me. MARQUE    It will be in the spring?  For you? TEZA    If I am selected to represent Chicomecoatl [chih-coe-me-coe-ah-tul].  It would be a great honor.  MARQUE    Your mother has been bragging everywhere.  She cannot be quieted.  TEZA    It's as if she was the one being considered. MARQUE    Never mind.  Regardless, we will be together through the winter, while you learn all you must know for the big day.  TEZA    And you learn all you must know for your big day. MOM MUSIC MOM    My dearest child, you don't know how my heart swells with pride when I think about you, up there in front of everyone, beautiful and serene, like a shining star, and knowing, deep inside myself, that I made you perfect. AMB DUAL [Both are speechifying] TESS    I am so pleased to be considered -- TEZA    --to represent our lady of corn on this most sacred of days.  I have always wanted-- TESS    --to be able to find a way to show the world what I have inside, what I have to offer.  And if I could do one thing-- TEZA    --I would like to make my mother, my family, and my people proud of me, for community is everything.  Without the people around us, we-- TESS    --would never have made it this far, this close to becoming the next to represent-- TEZA    --Lady of the corn-- TESS    --Miss Modern Teen Model 2019. AMB MODERN TESS    [crying] MOM    What the hell did you think you were doing in there?  They were laughing at you! TESS    [teary] What? MOM    That judge said you walk like a trucker with hemorrhoids! TESS    I don't know how I walk!  I don't watch me! MOM    [softening] Honey!  Sweetie!  Oh, come here.  It's not over - I promise you.  You were doing so well, I'm sure this one thing won't put you out entirely, as long as you don't give up.  TESS    I want to-- MOM    Shh. Shh.  We'll just find someone to do something about that walk.  No big deal. AMB AZTEC TEZA    [tears] It's all over! I know it! MARQUE    Why? TEZA    The rich merchant from Tenochtitlan - he has requested I marry him! MARQUE    But doesn't he know you are destined for the temple? TEZA    [scornful] Apparently he likes the idea of marrying someone perfect enough for the gods. MARQUE    That is - he is asking for something terrible to happen! TEZA    Well, I haven't been chosen yet - if I tried to step away then, that would be blasphemy.  But to drop out now... what a blow it would be to everyone.  And yet - my mother may consider his offer, since he is very prosperous.  It is not fair! MARQUE    No.   Do not worry.  I think this means as much to your mother - more even - than it does to you.  She wishes you to secure her a place in the high tables of the night.  And there is money from the temple as well - the position is a very prestigious one.  MOM MUSIC MOM    Your dreams are all that matters, my dearest child.  I will never try and stop you from getting everything you deserve.  You know you can count on my support every step of the way.  I will always be behind you to help you face forward, and will push you up every step, if that's what it takes.  AMB MODERN SOUND    VOMITING MUFFLED BY DOOR MOM    Honey?  You doing all right? TESS    [recovering] Just a minute. MOM    Quick rinse, dear - there's someone here to see you! SOUND    DOOR SHUTS, FOOTSTEPS MOM    She'll be out in a minute - fixing her face, you know. TRAINER    Of course.  Why don't work out my fees while we wait-- SOUND     DOOR OPENS TESS    [subdued] Hi. MOM    Oh, come on, show a little enthusiasm!  She's really much more excited than that. TRAINER    Don't worry - I understand.  So this is Tess.  [hmming noises] SOUND    FOOTSTEPS CIRCLE TESS TRAINER    Has she had any formal modeling training? MOM    She's been taking classes since she was nine. TRAINER    [disapproving]  Hmm. MOM    But she also studied ballet, tap, jazz, deportment, and has kept up a 3.7 G-P-A. TRAINER    [dismissive noise] TESS    And I- TRAINER    Shh!  How old is she? MOM    Fourteen.  TRAINER    We're starting it a bit late, but I see potential here.  Show me this walk... MOM MUSIC MOM    Think on this.  Think of the great ones - the ones we all idolize and hold in great regard.  Now picture your face there, among them, gracing the rest of us below.  Can't you see yourself?  Your perfect self? AMB AZTEC MOM    [whispered]  Don't they look grand in their feathers?  They hold our future - your future in their very hands. TEZA    Mother.  You will make me tongue-tied.  They are wise and all-knowing.  They will know if I am the one-- MOM    That you are the one-- TEZA    --the minute they lay eyes upon me. MOM    [gasp] Was that your name?  Did they call your name? TEZA    Yes, mother it was my name.  Pray for me. SOUND    ECHOING FOOTSTEPS PRIEST    You, child.  You aspire to represent the great lady of the corn? TEZA    [awed and respectful]  Yes, if it please the gods. PRIEST    You are lovely, but are you pure? TEZA    Yes, sire.  My mother can swear to it. PRIEST    Remove your shawl, show us your body.  Do not hesitate, child - nothing untoward will happen.  Your mother is right there watching. SOUND    HEAVY FABRIC FALLS TO THE FLOOR MOM MUSIC MOM    It's just skin, honey.  You have nothing to be embarrassed about.  You're lovely.  Think of yourself as a work of art, and they are objective observers.  They wouldn't be interested in you that way, anyway - you know that.  And I'm right here.  Tell me if you get nervous, and I'll make them stop.  All right?  You know every girl who has gone  before has been through this same thing. AMB MODERN TESS    [nervous, jittery]  Well, they haven't said no, yet. MARKIE    That's good. TESS    I guess.  I mean, I'm starting to wonder whether it's all really worth it.  I'm supposed to get good sleep, be rested, so I can look my best, but half the time I'm too damn nervous, or hungry, or...something.  I'm always trying not to think of things, like food, or having time to myself - I mean, what is it all for? MARKIE    Wow.  Maybe you should just tell your mom you want to stop. TESS    Tell my mom?  [laughs almost hysterically] Tell my mom?  Are you high?  She would toss me out on my ear.  She's got so into this - and besides, she's spent all this money - mucho dinero, you know - to get me this far.  How can I let her down - make her waste all that? MARKIE    But you have to think of yourself, right? TESS    I promised her I would do this for one year.  Just a year - I can do it.  [affirmations] I have the willpower to maintain, and the serenity to--[breaks into a sob] MARKIE    Have you eaten anything today? TESS    I can't!  The pre-judging is tomorrow. MARKIE    I have some tic-tacs-- TESS    No!  Don't tempt me!  Shit, Markie, you're supposed to be helping me! MOM MUSIC MOM    It will all be worth it, you know it will.  The purging, the special oils.  You will always be the most lovely one in the place - caught in that one special moment, when you shine above all others.  No one will ever forget you after that! AMB AZTEC TEZA    great and reverent master, what if I have doubts? PRIEST    Doubts?  What doubts, child? TEZA    I fear that I will not be worthy.  That I will falter in my steps and dishonor the crown of corn. PRIEST    I can look into your heart, child, and I see that you have the strength within you to bear this burden - to rise to the heights, and carry the name of Chicomecoatl with dignity and grace. TEZA    Do you? PRIEST    It is always the way of men and women to doubt themselves.  To worry that they will lose themselves in fear, or to ponder what life would be like had they not stepped out upon the path to greatness.  Ever and always. TEZA    But what can I do? PRIEST    Fast and pray, child.  I know you will see the correctness of your choice.  And when your day of glory comes, you will never know fear or doubt again. MOM MUSIC MOM    A boy?  What do you mean a boy?  You don't have time for - you're too young for boys.  All the boys you could possibly want will be at your feet, when the time comes, but right now - [hissed] it will ruin you.  AMB MODERN TESS    But Corey's on TV!  He could help my-- MOM    He could get you on the covers of a bunch of sleazy tabloids-- TESS    But you said publicity is good-- MOM    Not that kind - that will make sure everyone knows your name, but you will never be high class again!  Save that kind of exploitation for when your looks start to fade. TESS    Yeah, like when I'm 17. MOM    You knew going in this was a short hard run, missy.  There is no free ride.  You wanted this as much as I did! TESS    Well I don't want it any more!  I want to have a normal life! MOM    Fine.  We can go back to living a normal life.  You and me and your dad - oh, wait.  Where should we live, hun?  We sold the house when we came on the road with you - to finance your headshots and your spa treatments.  I suppose if you quit school-- TESS    [muttered] I can't concentrate anyway. MOM    --and get a job in fast food, we three between us could make enough to [ramping up, each statement a dagger] live in a crappy little apartment and eat junk food all the time and get enormously fat and covered in  acne, and then as soon as you're old enough, you can run off with some high school drop out who wants to start a band-- [sliding down, into her own misery] but of course you love each other and he ends up driving Greyhound and you lose the last vestige of your waist when you have the first three children, but the fourth child - your fourth child, she might just be perfect enough to live the good life - the beautiful life - at least until she ruins it! TEZA    You gave me the choice mother, and I accept my fate. MOM    I always knew you were just too good to live.  You are an angel, honey, a perfect angel. TESS    Yes, mother. MOM    Sweetie.  [all business] Now here's your pills from Dr. Gustavson - he said don't take them on an empty stomach, so go grab a cracker and some diet soda. MOM MUSIC MOM    There is nothing wrong with wanting more for your child than you had.  Wanting to guide her and make sure she gets the advantages instead of making the same stupid mistakes you made.  Is there?  Isn’t all of life - at least the lives of parents - the effort to make a better life for your children? AMB AZTEC MARQUE     And is he very handsome, the chosen vessel of Tezcatlipoca? TEZA    Don't be silly - he is perfect.  They wouldn't have chosen him otherwise.  [sigh] but of course, we are set upon different paths. MARQUE    Perhaps you will meet later.  Beyond the sun. TEZA    Perhaps.  But he has been given four wives who are all perfect as well.   MARQUE    And you are the Lady of Corn - none can shine brighter than a candle in the sunlight when you are in the room.  I swear you get more beautiful every day.  This suits you. TEZA    Thank you - my mother says so also.  [beat]  We are to meet at another function - what if he talks to me again? MARQUE    Talk is all well and good, but do not be alone.  It is so humiliating to prove that you have not fallen into temptation. TEZA    ugh [shudder]  I could go my whole life without ever feeling that again.  [bucks up] And I shall.  I may talk to him, but I will never step out of the sight of the priests.  We will both remain perfect. MARQUE    Very good. TEZA    I wish you could have come with me...but the temple handmaidens are devoted even earlier than we. MARQUE    Well, I have news for you as well.  My husband to be, [pleased] who has meals with my family more often than custom requires -hmm? - is really quite an amusing man.  And very fond of me.  I may not have my moment in the center of the universe, but I will have a good life. TEZA    I am so pleased.  And I will remember to   petition for you. SOUND    [hug noise] MOM MUSIC MOM    Unhappy?  How can you be unhappy?  You have everything you could possibly want - your face in front of everyone, men at your beck and call, and attending all the best celebrations!  What could you possibly be missing?  [wheedling] you know I'm only doing this for you!  You want this as much as I do!  You've finally made it, honey, what more could any girl want?  Every girl out there looks at you and cries herself to sleep wishing she could trade lives with you.  That is enough to make anyone happy, isn’t it?  To be envied?  How could you possibly be unhappy enough to do this? AMB MODERN DOCTOR    Now take two of these every eight hours, to prevent infection, and change the dressings every 4 hours or so.  MOM    I'll keep her on schedule, don't you worry.  And...this won't get out? DOCTOR    It's hardly likely that people won't notice the change, even with the recuperation period, but I certainly don't keep in business by revealing personal info about my clientele. TESS    Mom? MOM    Don't worry, dear.  Momma's right here. TESS    You said I wouldn't feel it. MOM    Does it hurt, honey?  Here, doctor, can she have something for the pain? DOCTOR    That's in the bag too, but do go light on them - you don't want to become dependent.  MOM    And when the scars heal, and everyone sees  how lovely you are, with your new curves, you will be the envy of even more of the world. TESS    [dully] Of course, mother. MOM MUSIC MOM    Even perfection can be improved on.  Beauty is pain.  That which is prized most is always hardest to come by.  If it was easy to be beautiful, everyone would want to be ugly instead.  You cannot be special if everyone can easily achieve what you have.  You must stand out.  You must shine.  Look into that mirror, dearest child, and tell me you don't love yourself even more each day as you come closer and closer to perfection. MUSIC - BOTH TEZA    Life is pain TESS    Beauty sucks. TEZA    I am being remade in the image of the goddess.  TESS    Who decides what I should fucking look like? TEZA    Painted and pierced.  Smoothed and scented.  I am treated like a queen. TESS    If I have to have one more operation, I'll pee stitches. TEZA    I bite the stick and let the pain carry me away as they mold my flesh. TESS    I cry all night, silently, so my mother won't come and comfort me. AMB AZTEC TEZA    See my new ear plugs?  They made them larger again, and heavy.  They almost touch my shoulders now. MARQUE    Don't they hurt? TEZA    Of course, but pain won't last forever.  I rather coveted a nose piercing as well, but that is not suited to the lady.  I am being remade in her image. MARQUE    I really admire your hair.  Such elegantly styled coils and plaits! TEZA    Smell!  Only the finest oils must touch me.  Everything is moving so quickly - such a short time left before the day I ascend to the top of the sky. MARQUE    Too bad it is not sooner - my sister will start her labor soon, and she could use a blessing from the lady of rivers.  TEZA    I can still burn offerings, like anyone else. MARQUE    True, but I can't help but feel the word of the corn lady will be heard so much louder than mere mortals such as we. TEZA    [laughs ruefully] I can ask any one of a legion of priests to guide me in my prayers, and they will gladly help - for it is goodly for the lady of the corn to look after those with child.  MARQUE    Would you? TEZA    Yes.  And the priests - well their voices will carry as far as they need to go. [they laugh] MOM MUSIC MOM    The day is set, my child.  You have reached the height.  This can never be undone and leave you a nobody ever again.  Everyone will see your face, and know - they will know - that you are the center of the universe. AMB MODERN TESS    Who the hell am I? MOM    What?  Sweetie, you're-- TESS    I used to know!  I used to be Tess, a pretty and I dunno - slightly talented, maybe - high school student, and now--[sob catches] MOM    Now, you're the most beautiful woman in the world - the magazine said so.  It showed your absolute perfection-- TESS    Not my perfection, mother - that's complete crap.  I'm like - I'm like Mr. potato head, and you stuck hair and makeup and a pair of boobs on me - None of this is me!  Who the hell am I?  Did you ever ask?  Did you ever care? MOM    Honey!  It's just icing on a wonderful  cake.  You like cake, don't you?  [ingratiating] And isn’t it better with frosting? TESS    [through gritted teeth] I don't GET cake, mother, not unless I want to taste it both ways [eating and throwing up].  I don’t even know if I could hold it down if I tried. MOM    What the hell has got into you?  TESS    You couldn’t even leave me my own name, could you?  "Tess" just isn't supermodel material.  And you didn’t even choose it - you let a marketing firm do a survey and took their suggestions. MOM    You got to pick one of the three they came up with-- TESS    There isn’t any me left under all this, mother!  Nothing.  I'm hollow.  Empty. MOM    Where are you going? TESS    To find something to fill me. MOM MUSIC MOM    Purpose.  Purpose is enough, isn’t it?  You are moving forward, ever forward.  The search for perfection is a road, not a destination.  There is nothing wrong with embellishing the beauty you were born with. AMB AZTEC MARQUE    [crying]  It was horrible. TEZA    I'm so sorry.  I did what I could. MARQUE    I know.  She is with the gods, now, but it was so awful.  I - I'm so scared. TEZA    Why? MARQUE    Watching her - watching the blood and the pain, hours and hours of it - and the baby died too!  How can I ever choose to go through that? TEZA    It is what women do. MARQUE    You won't ever have to. TEZA    [teasing a bit] I have to give life to the whole world.  [serious] But I feel for you.  And for your sister, and her baby.  It is a tragedy. MARQUE    Is there anything in life that doesn’t hurt? TEZA    Flowers.  Chocolate.  Love. MARQUE    You know what I mean - important things. TEZA    What is more important than Love? MARQUE    [sniff, then a tiny sad uh-huh] MOM MUSIC MOM    Only a few more days.  Nothing must go wrong.  You must be so very careful not to harm yourself, even a scratch or a nick will show.  Only the most skilled may come to do your hair, massage, and dress you in the most beautiful garments.  Nothing is left to chance.  Nothing.  Do you hear me?  Nothing will go wrong, even if I have to hurt someone. MODERN AMB MOM    I see you're feeling a little better? TESS    [dull] Yes I took my medicine. MOM    Good.  Nothing like seeing a smile on my little girl's face again.  And there's nothing wrong with using science to combat unhappiness. TESS    Yes mother. MOM    Unhappiness isn't natural.  Especially for beautiful people. TESS    Beautiful. MOM    Dear.  Don't frown.  You don't want to get wrinkles! TESS    Why don't I just lie here like a blob?  That way I can't break a nail. MOM    Are you sure you took your pills? TESS    [sigh] MOM MUSIC MOM    It is always darkest right before the dawn.  And it is always tensest the night before the main event.  You hold your breath and pray for dawn, the watch the shadows crawl across the ground, feeling like the final moment will never come.  And once it arrives?  Pfft.  It is over.  AZTEC AMB TEZA    I'm happy you could sit vigil this night with me, mother. MOM    How could I do otherwise, my darling chosen one? TEZA    [teasing] You must relinquish your claim to me, since I am now the Corn lady. MOM    [fondly, almost in tears]  My lady of corn.  I will never forget that I was able to contribute to the glory you represent. TEZA    Without you I would not be here - would not be able to bring life to the crops for another year. MOM    And yet it is a melancholy time as well.   Knowing that the great lady will ascend to heaven tomorrow. TEZA    I told Marque I will watch over her.  I can watch you both.  I have two eyes. MOM    Can Teza give her mother a final kiss before the Corn lady must take her walk? TEZA    Of course.  [kiss noise] MOM MUSIC MOM    And this is it.  The end.  What we have worked so hard for.  I know it is a sad time.  I feel sad too, but the triumph, the glory, the joy will outweigh the sorrow.  MODERN AMB MOM    What the hell do you mean, she's gone?  TRAINER    She was here for the opening - the talent portion is about to start, and she's not in the dressing room.  MOM    Have you checked the bathroom? TRAINER    I asked every girl in there, and between yarks they said they hadn't seen her. MOM    How could she do this to me? TRAINER    Worse - her opening number gown is gone too, and it was a rental. AMB - MIXED [Tess is down, Teza is filled with joy] TEZA    I gaze up the endless stairs TESS    Knowing this will be my last trip BOTH    I feel my sandals shift beneath my feet as I take the first step. TEZA    With each step, the roaring grows louder TESS    The voices in my head just won't shut up! TEZA    I must go slowly, for while I cannot falter, neither can I look down. TESS    My head is so heavy TEZA    My crown is so weighty. BOTH    I feel all those eyes upon me. TESS    [shriek] They won't leave me alone! TEZA    [ecstatic] They love me! TESS    They hate me! TEZA    Each step takes me higher.  Closer to the heavens. TESS    I haul myself up, one step at a time. TEZA    My ears still ache - the pain reminds me of what I leave behind. TESS    The pain of what I have become will never leave me. TEZA    The scent of a thousand flowers, thrown by the crowd, surrounds me. TESS    The hallway smells of puke. BOTH    Only a few more steps.  TEZA    I thrill with fear and longing, yearning for the gods. TESS    Please god don't let me fuck this up. TEZA    The priests await me, stern and welcoming. TESS    I see a face and don't recognize myself until I realize it's a mirror. TEZA    The name me Chicomecoatl, and I know I have become the Lady of the corn. TESS    I stare into the eyes in the mirror and have no clue who she is. BOTH    I take up the cup. TEZA    The drink warms me, and I love everyone. TESS    I drink slowly, timing the pills - too fast and I'll barf it all up before it can work. TEZA    My mind floats. BOTH    I can't feel anything anymore. TEZA    They gently lay me on the altar. TESS    The bathroom tile is cool under my cheek. TEZA    The knife above me catches light from Huitztipotchli's glory. TESS    Everything is getting dark TEZA    The knife falls and I transcend. TESS    Everything goes black. OMINOUS SILENCE CLOSING MUSIC SLOWLY CREEPS IN **************************************************************** T R I G G E R W A R N I N G S   [TW - mature language and situations, extreme dieting, non-gender related body dysmorphia and modification, depression, suicide, human sacrifice]

The old boys who fly by the seat of their pants can solve problems that make the more modern space jockeys completely panic.

Nothing is ever normal at 19 Nocturne Boulevard.  So when Olivia, our sultry announcer, decides to read the listeners a few of her favorite Xmas tales, things get a bit out of hand. Adapted by Julie Hoverson from stories by Arnold Bennett, Rudyard Kipling, and Joseph Conrad, appearing in A Christmas Garland edited by Max Beerbohm, published in 1912 Cast List Olivia - Julie Hoverson Emily Wrackgarth - Beverly Poole Jos Wrackgarth - Russell Gold Albert Grapp - Gareth Bowley Kipling/narrator - Rick Lewis Judlip - Cole Hornaday Mr. Williams - Michael Coleman [from Tales of the Extradordinary] Mahamo - Pat McNally Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Photo:  Sanja Gjenero (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com)   "Puh-leeze!  Do I sound like the type to offend with yet another rendition of A Christmas Carol?"   **************************************************** A TRILOGY FOR CHRISTMAS Cast: Olivia SCRUTS Emily Wrackgarth Jos Wrackgarth Albert Grapp   PC X36 Kipling Judlip Father Christmas   THE FEAST Williams Mahamo ANNOUNCER    The stories for tonight's show have been abridged and dramatized by Julie Hoverson     OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  Well sit right down.  I want to read you my favorite Christmas stories.  No, don't go!  [disgusted] Oh, puh-lease!  Do I seem the type to offend with yet another rendition of A Christmas Carol, or The night Before Christmas?  Even the Velveteen Rabbit, which is a truly disturbing tale to any small child, is far too common for this house.  MUSIC CREEPS IN OLIVIA    Indulge me, won't you?  I promise I won't disappoint.  I have selected three of my most favorite Christmas tales to share with you, and even if one is a bit romantic and sentimental, well, you have to let me be girly sometimes, right?  So - I'll get sentiment out of the way and move right into the more... meaty stories.  The first story, then, is Scruts by Arnold Bennett MUSIC CHANGES OLIVIA     Emily Wrackgarth stirred the Christmas pudding till her right arm began to ache. But she did not cease for that. SOUND    KITCHEN, STIRRING OLIVIA    She stirred on till her right arm grew so numb that it might have been the right arm of some girl at the other end of Bursley. And yet something deep down in her whispered EMILY    [muttered] It is your right arm! And you can do what you like with it! OLIVIA    She did what she liked with it. Relentlessly she kept it moving till it reasserted itself as the arm of Emily Wrackgarth, prickling and tingling as with red-hot needles in every tendon from wrist to elbow. And still Emily Wrackgarth hardened her heart. EMILY    Mine.  You are mine. OLIVIA    Presently she saw the spoon no longer revolving, but wavering aimlessly in the midst of the basin. EMILY    Ridiculous! This must be seen to! OLIVIA    In the down of dark hairs that connected her eyebrows there was a marked deepening of that vertical cleft which, visible at all times, warned you that here was a young woman not to be trifled with. Her brain despatched to her hand a peremptory message—which miscarried. The spoon wabbled as though held by a baby. EMILY    [exasperated noise] OLIVIA    Emily knew that she herself as a baby had been carried into this very kitchen to stir the Christmas pudding. Year after year, as she grew up, she had been allowed to stir it "for luck." And those, she reflected, were the only cookery lessons she ever got. EMILY    How like Mother! OLIVIA    Mrs. Wrackgarth had died in the past year, of a complication of ailments.  Emily still wore on her left shoulder that small tag of crape which is as far as the Five Towns go in the way of mourning. Her father had died in the year previous to that, of a still more curious and enthralling complication of ailments.  Jos, his son, carried on the Wrackgarth Works, EMILY    [interrupting] and I kept house for Jos. I with my own hand made this pudding. But for me, this pudding would not have been. Fantastic! Utterly incredible! OLIVIA    [slightly miffed] And yet so it was. She was grown-up. She was mistress of the house. She could make or unmake puddings at will. And yet she was Emily Wrackgarth. Which was absurd. EMILY    It is doubtful whether the people of southern England have even yet realised how much introspection there is going on all the time in the Five Towns. OLIVIA    [ahem!]  Emily was now stirring the pudding with her left hand. The ingredients had already been mingled indistinguishably in that rich, undulating mass of tawniness which proclaims perfection. But Emily was determined to give her left hand, not less than her right, what she called EMILY    "a doing." OLIVIA    Emily was like that.  At mid-day, when her brother came home from the Works, she was still at it. EMILY    Brought those scruts with you? JOS    That's a fact. OLIVIA    And he dipped his hand into the sagging pocket of his coat.  It is perhaps necessary to explain what scruts are. In the daily output of every potbank there are a certain proportion of flawed vessels. These are cast aside by the foreman, EMILY    with a lordly gesture, OLIVIA    and in due course are hammered into fragments. These fragments, which are put to various uses, are called scruts; and one of the uses they are put to is a sentimental one. EMILY    The dainty and luxurious Southerner looks to find in his Christmas pudding a wedding-ring, a gold thimble, a threepenny-bit, or the like. To such fal-lals the Five Towns would say fie. OLIVIA     A Christmas pudding in the Five Towns contains nothing but suet, flour, lemon-peel, cinnamon, brandy, almonds, raisins—and two or three scruts. There is a world of poetry, beauty, romance, in scruts—though you have to have been brought up on them to appreciate it. Scruts have passed into the proverbial philosophy of the district. EMILY    "Him's a pudden with more scruts than raisins to 'm" OLIVIA    is a criticism not infrequently heard. It implies respect, even admiration. Of Emily Wrackgarth herself people often said, in reference to her likeness to her father, JOS    "Her's a scrut o' th' owd basin."  [realizing he cut in] Oh, Hmm.  Pardon. OLIVIA    Jos had emptied out from his pocket on to the table a good three dozen of scruts. EMILY     I laid aside my spoon, rubbed the palms of my hands on the bib of my apron, and proceeded to finger these scruts with the air of a connoisseur, rejecting one after another. OLIVIA    The pudding was a small one, designed merely for herself and Jos, with remainder to "the girl"; so that it could hardly accommodate more than two or three scruts. EMILY     I knew well that one scrut is as good as another. Yet I did not want my brother to feel that anything selected by him would necessarily pass muster. OLIVIA     For his benefit she ostentatiously wrinkled her nose. JOS    By the by, you remember Albert Grapp? I've asked him to step over from Hanbridge and help eat our snack on Christmas Day. EMILY    [incensed] You've asked that Mr. Grapp? JOS    No objection, I hope? He's not a bad sort. And he's considered a bit of a ladies' man, you know. EMILY    [incensed noise] SOUND    CLATTER OF SCRUTS INTO BOWL OLIVIA    Emily gathered up all the scruts and let them fall in a rattling shower on the exiguous pudding. Two or three fell wide of the basin. EMILY    [vengefully]  I made sure they all fit, too. JOS    [alarmed] Steady on!  What's that for? EMILY    That's for your guest.  And if you think you're going to palm me off on to him, or on to any other young fellow, you're a fool, Jos Wrackgarth! JOS    I - I would never-- EMILY    Don't think I don't know what you've been after, just of late. Cracking up one young sawny and then another on the chance of me marrying him! I never heard of such goings on. But here I am, and here I'll stay, as sure as my name's Emily Wrackgarth, Jos Wrackgarth! OLIVIA    It is difficult to write calmly about Emily at this point. For her, in another age, ships would have been launched and cities besieged. But brothers are a race apart, and blind. It is a fact that Jos would have been glad to see his sister "settled" JOS    [muttered] —preferably in one of the other four Towns. OLIVIA    [chuckle] She took up the spoon and stirred vigorously. The scruts grated and squeaked together around the basin, while the pudding feebly wormed its way up among them. MUSIC CHANGES ALBERT    [whispered] Is it me?  Oh!  [up]  Albert Grapp, ladies' man though he was, was humble of heart. Nobody knew this but himself. OLIVIA    Not one of his fellow clerks in Clither's Bank knew it. The general theory in Hanbridge was "Him's got a stiff opinion o' hisself." ALBERT    But this arose from what was really a sign of humility in him. He made the most of himself. OLIVIA    He had, for instance, a way of his own in the matter of dressing. He always wore a voluminous frock-coat, with a pair of neatly-striped vicuna trousers-- ALBERT    --which he placed every night under his mattress, thus preserving in perfection the crease down the centre of each. OLIVIA     He had two caps, one of blue serge, the other of shepherd's plaid. These he wore on alternate days. He wore them in a way of his own—well back from his forehead, so as not to hide his hair.  OLIVIA    On wet days he wore a mackintosh. This, as he did not yet possess a great-coat, he wore also, but with less glory, on cold days. ALBERT    He had hoped there might be rain on Christmas morning. But there was no rain. [sigh, resigned] Like my luck. OLIVIA    [whispered, urgent] Stop referring to yourself in the third person, no one else does.  [back up] Since Jos Wrackgarth had introduced Albert to his sister at the Hanbridge Oddfellows' Biennial Hop, ALBERT    when he -I- danced two quadrilles with her, OLIVIA    --he had seen her but once. He had nodded to her, Five Towns fashion, and she had nodded back at him, but with a look that seemed to say-- EMILY    You needn't nod next time you see me. I can get along well enough without your nods. ALBERT    A frightening girl! And yet her brother had since told ...me... she seemed "a bit gone, like" on me!  Impossible! He, Albert Grapp, make an impression on the brilliant Miss Wrackgarth! Yet she had sent him a verbal invite to spend Christmas in her own home. OLIVIA    You're doing it again. ALBERT    [oblivious, enchanted] And the time had come. He was on his way. Incredible that he should arrive! The tram must surely overturn, or be struck by lightning. And yet no! He arrived safely. OLIVIA    [sigh] The small servant who opened the door gave him another verbal message from Miss Wrackgarth. [disapproving] Wipe your feet well on the mat.  [narrating again] In obeying this order he experienced a thrill of satisfaction he could not account for. He must have stood shuffling his boots vigorously for a full minute. ALBERT    This, he told himself, was life. He, Albert Grapp, was alive. And the world was full of other men, all alive; and yet, because they were not doing Miss Wrackgarth's bidding, none of them really lived. OLIVIA    In the parlour he found Jos awaiting him. The table was laid for three. JOS    So you're here, are you? OLIVIA    Said the host, using the Five Towns formula. JOS    Emily's in the kitchen.  Happen she'll be here directly. ALBERT    I hope she's tol-lol-ish? JOS    She is.  But don't you go saying that to her. She doesn't care about society airs and graces. You'll make no headway if you aren't blunt. ALBERT    Oh, right you are. OLIVIA    A moment later Emily joined them, still wearing her kitchen apron. EMILY    So you're here, are you? OLIVIA    She said, but did not shake hands. The servant had followed her in with the tray, and the next few seconds were occupied in the disposal of the beef and trimmings.  The meal began, Emily carving. JOS    [sigh] The main thought of a man less infatuated than Albert Grapp would have been "This girl can't cook. And she'll never learn to." The beef, instead of being red and brown, was pink and white. Uneatable beef! ALBERT    [rapturizing] And yet he relished it more than anything he had ever tasted. This beef was her own handiwork. Thus it was because she had made it so....  [up]  Happen I could do with a bit more, like. OLIVIA    Emily hacked off the bit more and jerked it on to the plate he had held out to her. ALBERT    Thanks! OLIVIA    Only when the second course came on did he suspect that the meal was a calculated protest. This a Christmas pudding? The litter of fractured earthenware was hardly held together by the suet and raisins. ALBERT    All his pride of manhood—and there was plenty of pride mixed up with Albert Grapp's humility—dictated a refusal to touch that pudding. Yet he soon found himself touching it, though gingerly, with spoon and fork. OLIVIA    In the matter of dealing with scruts there are two schools—the old and the new. The old school pushes its head well over its plate and drops the scrut straight from its mouth. The new school emits the scrut into the fingers of its left hand and therewith deposits it on the rim of the plate. ALBERT    Albert noticed that Emily was of the new school. OLIVIA    Oh, I give up. ALBERT    But might she not despise as affectation in him what came natural to herself? On the other hand, if he showed himself as a prop of the old school, might she not set her face the more stringently against him? OLIVIA    The chances were that whichever course he took would be the wrong one. ALBERT    It was then that he had an inspiration—an idea of the sort that comes to a man once in his life and finds him, likely as not, unable to put it into practice. OLIVIA    Albert was not sure he could consummate this idea of his. He had indisputably fine teeth— JOS    "a proper mouthful of grinders" OLIVIA    in local phrase. But would they stand the strain he was going to impose on them? He could but try them. OLIVIA    [con't] Without a sign of nervousness he raised his spoon, with one scrut in it, to his mouth. This scrut he put between two of his left-side molars, bit hard on it, and—eternity of that moment!—felt it and heard it snap in two. SOUND    GRINDING, CRUNCHING ALBERT    He was conscious that at sound of the percussion Emily started forward and stared at him. But he did not look at her. EMILY    [amazed] That was none so dusty. [similar to "not too shabby"] OLIVIA    Calmly, systematically, with gradually diminishing crackles, he reduced that scrut to powder, and washed the powder down with a sip of beer. SOUND    DRINK OLIVIA    While he dealt with the second scrut, he talked to Jos about the Borough Council's proposal to erect an electric power-station on the site of the old gas-works down Hillport way. ALBERT    He was aware of a slight abrasion inside his left cheek. No matter. He must be more careful. OLIVIA    There were six scruts still to be negotiated. ALBERT    He knew that what he was doing was a thing grandiose, unique, epical; a history-making thing; a thing that would outlive marble and the gilded monuments of princes. Yet he kept his head. OLIVIA    He did not hurry, nor did he dawdle. Scrut by scrut, he ground slowly but he ground exceeding small. ALBERT    And while he did so he talked wisely and well. OLIVIA    He passed from the power-station to a first edition he had picked up for sixpence in Liverpool, and thence to the Midland's proposal to drive a tunnel under the Knype Canal so as to link up the main-line with the Critchworth and Suddleford loop-line. JOS    I was too amazed to put in a word, but sat merely gaping—a gape that merged by imperceptible degrees into a grin. Presently I ceased to watch our guest. I sat watching my sister. OLIVIA    Not once did Albert himself glance in her direction. She was just a dim silhouette on the outskirts of his vision. ALBERT    But there she was, unmoving, and he could feel the fixture of her unseen eyes. The time was at hand when he would have to meet those eyes. Would he flinch? Was he master of himself? GRINDING STOPS OLIVIA    The last scrut was powder. No temporising! He jerked his glass to his mouth. ALBERT    A moment later, holding out his plate to her, he looked Emily full in the eyes. They were Emily's eyes, but not hers alone. They were collective eyes—that was it! They were the eyes of stark, staring womanhood. OLIVIA    Her face had been dead white, but now suddenly up from her throat, over her cheeks, through the down between her eyebrows, went a rush of colour, up over her temples, through the very parting of her hair. ALBERT    [casual] Happen, I'll have a bit more, like. OLIVIA    Emily flung her arms forward on the table and buried her face in them. EMILY    [breaking into sobs] OLIVIA    It was a gesture wild and meek. It was the gesture foreseen and yet incredible. It was recondite, inexplicable, and yet obvious. EMILY    [aside, not teary] It was the only thing to be done—and yet, by gum, I had done it. [back to sobbing] OLIVIA    Her brother had risen from his seat and was now at the door. JOS    [pleased with himself] Think I'll step round to the Works, and see if they banked up that furnace aright. OLIVIA    NOTE.—The author has in preparation a series of volumes dealing with the life of Albert and Emily Grapp. MUSIC BACK TO NEUTRAL OLIVIA    Sweet romance, eh?  Well, I've indulged my sentimental side, now how about some gritty policework?  EMILY    Hold up.  You really think I'll get hitched over some fellow who sups pottery? OLIVIA    That's how the story ends.  And he's a good looking chap. EMILY    And your accent is wretched. OLIVIA    Go back to your story. EMILY    Won't. OLIVIA    Your story is over.  Shut up.  EMILY    Can't make me - you're no better'n me - have ten toes and ten fingers just the same. OLIVIA    I'll close the book, and then you'll be gone until someone else reads you - and you're far enough out of print, THAT won't happen any time soon. EMILY    [annoyed, seething]  Right.  I'll sit here, then shall I? OLIVIA    Don't care.  Just keep quiet.  [deep breath] My next tale is PC X-36, by Rudyard Kipling. JUDLIP    Then it's collar 'im tight, In the name o' the Lawd! 'Ustle 'im, shake 'im till 'e's sick! Wot, 'e would, would 'e? Well, Then yer've got ter give 'im 'Ell, An' it's trunch, trunch, truncheon does the trick OLIVIA    From police station ditties. EMILY    Sounds like a donkey. OLIVIA    Shh! KIPLING    I had spent Christmas Eve at the Club, listening to a grand pow-wow between certain of the choicer sons of Adam. OLIVIA    Hold on!  I'm the one reading this story! KIPLING    But I'm the narrator. EMILY    Hear Hear. OLIVIA    I'm the reader.  You need to keep quiet. KIPLING    You might have thought first before taking on a first person narrative, mightn't you? OLIVIA    Well, I'll endeavor to sound like you.  Now!  Wait for your cue.  [clears throat] Then Slushby had cut in. Slushby is one who writes to newspapers and is theirs obediently "HUMANITARIAN." When Slushby cuts in, men remember they have to be up early next morning.  KIPLING    Sharp round a corner on the way home, I collided with something firmer than the regulation pillar-box. OLIVIA    [gritted teeth] I righted myself after the recoil and saw some stars that were very pretty indeed. Then I perceived the nature of the obstruction. KIPLING    "Evening, Judlip," [quickly spitting out his descriptives] I said sweetly, when I had collected my hat from the gutter. "Have I broken the law, Judlip? If so, I'll go quiet." JUDLIP    [Gruff] Time yer was in bed.  Yer Ma'll be lookin' out for yer. KIPLING    This from the friend -- OLIVIA    Ahem!  --of my bosom! It hurt. Many were the night-beats I had been privileged to walk with Judlip, imbibing curious lore that made glad the civilian heart of me. Seven whole 8x5 inch note-books had I pitmanised to the brim with Judlip. EMILY    And now to be repulsed as one of the uninitiated! It hurt horrid.  OLIVIA    Don't you start in again! EMILY    Hah! OLIVIA    Don't!  [back to the story] There is a thing called Dignity. Small boys sometimes stand on it. Then they have to be kicked. Then they get down, weeping. I don't stand on Dignity. KIPLING     "What's wrong, Judlip?" I asked, more sweetly than ever. "Drawn a blank to-night?" JUDLIP     Yuss. Drawn a blank blank blank. 'Avent 'ad so much as a kick at a lorst dorg. Christmas Eve ain't wot it was. KIPLING    I felt for my note-book. JUDLIP    Lawd! I remembers the time when the drunks and disorderlies down this street was as thick as flies on a fly-paper. One just picked 'em orf with one's finger and thumb. A bloomin' buffet, that's wot it wos. KIPLING    "The night's yet young, Judlip," [quickly] I insinuated, with a jerk of my thumb at the flaring windows of the "Rat and Blood Hound." At that moment-- OLIVIA    [Catching up] --the saloon-door swung open, emitting a man and woman who walked with linked arms and exceeding great care. EMILY    [sarcastic]  How sweet. OLIVIA    Judlip eyed them longingly as they tacked up the street. Then he sighed. Now, when Judlip sighs the sound is like unto that which issues from the vent of a Crosby boiler when the cog-gauges are at 260 degrees. KIPLING    "Come, Judlip!" I said. "Possess your soul in patience. You'll soon find someone to make an example of. Meanwhile"—I threw back my head and smacked my lips [he does] —"the usual, Judlip?" OLIVIA    In another minute I emerged through the swing-door, bearing a furtive glass of that same "usual," and nipped down the mews where my friend was wont to await these little tokens of esteem. KIPLING    "To the Majesty of the Law, Judlip!" OLIVIA    When he had honoured the toast, I scooted back with the glass, leaving him wiping the beads off his beard-bristles. He was in his philosophic mood when I rejoined him at the corner. JUDLIP    "Wot am I?  [pronouncing] A bloomin' cypher. Wot's the sarjint? 'E's got the Inspector over 'im. Over above the Inspector there's the Sooprintendent. Over above 'im's the old red-tape-masticatin' Yard. Over above that there's the 'Ome Sec. Wot's 'e? A cypher, like me. Why? KIPLING    Judlip looked up at the stars. JUDLIP    Over above 'im's We Dunno Wot. Somethin' wot issues its horders an' regulations an' divisional injunctions, inscrootable like, but p'remptory; an' we 'as ter see as 'ow they're carried out, not arskin' no questions, but each man goin' about 'is dooty.' KIPLING    "''Is dooty,'" said I, looking up from my note-book. "Yes, I've got that." JUDLIP    Life ain't a bean-feast. It's a 'arsh reality. An' them as makes it a bean-feast 'as got to be 'arshly dealt with accordin'. That's wot the Force is put 'ere for from Above. Not as 'ow we ain't fallible. We makes our mistakes. An' when we makes 'em we sticks to 'em. For the honour o' the Force. Which same is the jool Britannia wears on 'er bosom as a charm against hanarchy. That's wot the brarsted old Beaks don't understand. Yer remember Smithers of our Div? KIPLING    [takes breath, but is interupted] OLIVIA    I remembered Smithers - well. As fine, upstanding, square-toed-- [hand over mouth] EMILY    [Picking up quickly, but struggling slightly] bullet-headed, clean-living - go on! - son of a gun-- KIPLING    Ta! --as ever perjured himself in the box. There was nothing of the softy about Smithers. I took off my billicock to Smithers' memory. JUDLIP    Sacrificed to public opinion? Yuss, KIPLING    Judlip paused at a front door, flashing his light down the slot of a two-grade Yale. JUDLIP    Sacrificed to a parcel of screamin' old women wot ort ter 'ave gorn down on their knees an' thanked Gawd for such a protector. 'E'll be out in another 'alf year. JUDLIP     Wot'll 'e do then, pore devil? Go a bust on 'is conduc' money an' throw in 'is lot with them same hexperts wot 'ad a 'oly terror of 'im. EMILY    Then Judlip swore gently. KIPLING     What should you do, O Great One, if ever it were your duty to apprehend him? JUDLIP    Do? Why, yer blessed innocent, yer don't think I'd shirk a fair clean cop? Same time, I don't say as 'ow I wouldn't 'andle 'im tender like, for sake o' wot 'e wos. Likewise cos 'e'd be a stiff customer to tackle. Likewise 'cos— OLIVIA    [muffled struggle] KIPLING    He had broken off, and was peering fixedly upwards across the moonlit street. JUDLIP    [drawn-out, hoarse whisper] Ullo! SOUND    STRUGGLE OLIVIA    [muffled, then deep breath]  Back off! EMILY    Hmph.  [shrug] I made a good go. OLIVIA    Striking an average between the direction of his eyes—for Judlip, when on the job, has a soul-stirring squint—I perceived someone in the act of emerging from a chimney-pot.  Judlip's voice clove the silence. JUDLIP    Wot are yer doin' hup there? OLIVIA    The person addressed came to the edge of the parapet. KIPLING    I saw then that he had a hoary white beard, a red ulster with the hood up, and what looked like a sack over his shoulder. OLIVIA    He said something or other in a voice like a concertina that has been left out in the rain. EMILY    [muttered] Not so very hard to pass it round, is it? JUDLIP    I dessay.  Just you come down, an' we'll see about that. OLIVIA    The old man nodded and smiled. Then—as I hope to be saved—he came floating gently down through the moonlight, with the sack over his shoulder and a young fir-tree clasped to his chest. He alighted in a friendly manner on the curb beside us. EMILY    Come along - let us have a go! KIPLING    Judlip was the first to recover himself. Out went his right arm-- EMILY    --and the airman was slung round by the scruff of the neck, spilling his sack in the road. KIPLING    I made a bee-line for his shoulder-blades. Burglar or no burglar, he was the best airman out, and I was muchly desirous to know the precise nature of the apparatus under his ulster. OLIVIA    Fine.  Let's just keep it moving - A back-hander from Judlip's left caused me to hop quickly aside. The prisoner was squealing and whimpering. He didn't like the feel of Judlip's knuckles at his cervical vertebræ. JUDLIP    Wot wos yer doin' hup there? EMILY    asked Judlip, tightening the grip. SANTA CLAUS     I'm S-Santa Claus, Sir. P-please, Sir, let me g-go.. KIPLING    "Hold him," I shouted. "He's a German." JUDLIP    It's my dooty ter caution yer that wotever yer say now may be used in hevidence against yer, yer old sinner. Pick up that there sack, an' come along o' me. EMILY    The captive snivelled something about peace on earth, good will toward men. JUDLIP    Yuss.  That's in the Noo Testament, ain't it? The Noo Testament contains some uncommon nice readin' for old gents an' young ladies. But it ain't included in the librery o' the Force. We confine ourselves to the Old Testament — O-T, 'ot. An' 'ot you'll get it. Hup with that sack, an' quick march! OLIVIA    I have seen worse attempts at a neck-wrench, but it was just not slippery enough for Judlip. EMILY    And the kick that Judlip then let fly was a thing of beauty and a joy for ever. KIPLING    "Frog's-march him!" I shrieked, dancing. "For the love of heaven, frog's-march him!" OLIVIA    Trotting by Judlip's side to the Station, I reckoned it out that if Slushby had not been at the Club I should not have been here to see. ALL    Which shows that even Slushbys are put into this world for a purpose. MUSIC CHANGES OLIVIA    Oh, this is just getting silly. EMILY    Only just?  I should have said it's been a laugh for several miles. KIPLING    D'you have some problem with a bit of a laugh? OLIVIA    The third story I want to read is very serious.  If this goes on, I won't be able to do it justice. EMILY    What is it then? OLIVIA    The Feast.  By Joseph Conrad. KIPLING    Conrad?  He wrote a Christmas story? EMILY    Who is this Conrad fellow? KIPLING    Wrote something called heart of Darkness. OLIVIA    Yes, yes, yes!  Look, it's ruined now.  I'm just going to give up and read The Night before Christmas. EMILY    [disgusted noise] KIPLING    That sentimental pap? OLIVIA    [huffy] The mood is gone. EMILY AND KIPLING    [whisper in the background] EMILY    We might-- KIPLING    Let me! EMILY    I don't think so!  [annoyed grunt] Look you! - um - I think we've not been introduced? OLIVIA    [sulky] Olivia. EMILY    Right.  Olivia.  Why not let us help read the story.  We can do that well enough, can't we? KIPLING    Certainly. OLIVIA    And keep the comments to a minimum? KIPLING    Well... EMILY    I'll box his ears for you if he steps across the line. OLIVIA    It's worth a try. MUSIC TURNS TROPICAL OLIVIA    The hut in which slept the white man was on a clearing between the forest and the river. EMILY    Silence, the silence murmurous and unquiet of a tropical night, brooded over the hut that, baked through by the sun, sweated a vapour beneath the cynical light of the stars. KIPLING    Mahamo lay rigid and watchful at the hut's mouth. In his upturned eyes, and along the polished surface of his lean body black and immobile, the stars were reflected, creating an illusion of themselves who are illusions. OLIVIA    The roofs of the congested trees, writhing in some kind of agony private and eternal, made tenebrous and shifty silhouettes against the sky, like shapes cut out of black paper by a maniac who pushes them with his thumb this way and that, irritably, on a concave surface of blue steel. EMILY    Resin oozed unseen from the upper branches to the trunks swathed in creepers that clutched and interlocked with tendrils venomous, frantic and faint. KIPLING     Down below, by force of habit, the lush herbage went through the farce of growth—that farce old and screaming, whose trite end is decomposition.  [aside] Optimist, eh?  Ouch! OLIVIA    Ssh.  Within the hut the form of the white man, corpulent and pale, was covered with a mosquito-net that was itself illusory like everything else, only more so. Flying squadrons of mosquitoes inside its meshes flickered and darted over him, working hard, but keeping silence so as not to excite him from sleep. EMILY    [with distaste] Cohorts of yellow ants disputed him against cohorts of purple ants, the two kinds slaying one another in thousands. KIPLING    [avid] The battle was undecided when suddenly, with no such warning as it gives in some parts of the world, the sun blazed up over the horizon, turning night into day, and the insects vanished back into their camps. OLIVIA    The white man ground his knuckles into the corners of his eyes, emitting that snore final and querulous of a middle-aged man awakened rudely. With a gesture brusque but flaccid he plucked aside the net and peered around. EMILY    The bales of cotton cloth, the beads, the brass wire, the bottles of rum, had not been spirited away in the night. So far so good. KIPLING    The faithful servant of his employers was now at liberty to care for his own interests. He regarded himself, passing his hands over his skin. WILLIAMS    [shouted] Hi! Mahamo! I've been eaten up. OLIVIA    The islander, with one sinuous motion, sprang from the ground, through the mouth of the hut. Then, after a glance, he threw high his hands in thanks to such good and evil spirits as had charge of his concerns. In a tone half of reproach, half of apology, he murmured— MAHAMO    You white men sometimes say strange things that deceive the heart. WILLIAMS    Reach me that ammonia bottle, d'you hear?  This is a pretty place you've brought me to!  Christmas Day, too! Of all the —— But I suppose it seems all right to you, you heathen, to be here on Christmas Day? MAHAMO    We are here on the day appointed, Mr. Williams. It is a feast-day of your people? OLIVIA    Mr. Williams had lain back, with closed eyes, on his mat. Nostalgia was doing duty to him for imagination. EMILY    He was wafted to a bedroom in Marylebone, where in honour of the Day he lay late dozing, with great contentment; outside, a slush of snow in the street, the sound of church-bells; from below a savour of especial cookery. [chuckles a bit] WILLIAMS    Yes, it's a feast-day of my people. MAHAMO    Of mine also. WILLIAMS    [disinterested] Is it though? But they'll do business first? MAHAMO    They must first do that. WILLIAMS    And they'll bring their ivory with them? MAHAMO    Every man will bring ivory. OLIVIA    The islander answered with a smile gleaming and wide. WILLIAMS    How soon'll they be here? MAHAMO    Has not the sun risen? They are on their way. WILLIAMS    Well, I hope they'll hurry. The sooner we're off this cursed island of yours the better. Take all those things out-- OLIVIA    Mr. Williams added, pointing to the merchandise. WILLIAMS    --and arrange them.  Neatly, mind you! KIPLING    In certain circumstances it is right that a man be humoured in trifles. Mahamo, having borne out the merchandise, arranged it very neatly. OLIVIA    While Mr. Williams made his toilette, the sun and the forest, careless of the doings of white and black men alike, waged their warfare implacable and daily. The forest from its inmost depths sent forth perpetually its legions of shadows that fell dead in the instant of exposure to the enemy whose rays heroic and absurd its outposts annihilated. EMILY    What's all this to do with Christmas? KIPLING    Want me to cuff her one? OLIVIA    It takes place on Christmas day - they already said that. EMILY    But this is all jungle creepers and spooky shadows - and vermins.  If there's one thing that doesn't come to my mind when I think of Christmas, it's ants and mosquitoes and such.  KIPLING    You should see some of the places I've been. OLIVIA    Why don't we just finish the story? KIPLING    There came from those inilluminable depths the equable rumour of myriads of winged things and crawling things newly roused to the task of killing and being killed. Thence detached itself, little by little, an insidious sound of a drum beaten. This sound drew more near.  [aside]  A-ha, I see where this is going.  Drums in the distance are never a good sign. EMILY    [huffy] Maybe I haven't traveled all over the great wide world, fellow, but even I can probably guess at that. DRUMS SNEAK IN OLIVIA    Mr. Williams, issuing from the hut, heard it, and stood gaping towards it. WILLIAMS    Is that them? MAHAMO    That is they. OLIVIA    The islander murmured, moving away towards the edge of the forest.  EMILY    Does he not notice?  What sort of a dullard is he?  [calling to williams] Do you have a gun? OLIVIA    [exasperated sigh] KIPLING    Calm down, it's just a story. EMILY    Don't go telling me when to calm down!  I just hate stories where stupid people do very stupid things - what possessed this fool to sail half round the world anyway? OLIVIA    [resigned, trying to get it back on track] Sounds of chanting were a now audible accompaniment to the drum. WILLIAMS    What's that they're singing? MAHAMO    [off a bit] They sing of their business. WILLIAMS    [shocked] Oh!  I'd have thought they'd be singing of their feast. MAHAMO    It is of their feast they sing. OLIVIA    It has been stated that Mr. Williams was not imaginative. WILLIAMS    Oh, I say--! OLIVIA    Oh, no!  You stay put! KIPLING    [very knowingly] But a few years of life in climates alien and intemperate had disordered his nerves. There was that in the rhythms of the hymn which made bristle his flesh.  EMILY    Suddenly, when they were very near, the voices ceased, leaving a legacy of silence more sinister than themselves. And now the black spaces between the trees were relieved by bits of white that were the eyeballs and teeth of Mahamo's brethren. MAHAMO    It was of their feast, it was of you, they sang. EMILY    I knew it! KIPLING    It was obvious. WILLIAMS    Look here--! OLIVIA    Cried Mr. Williams in his voice of a man not to be trifled with. WILLIAMS    --Look here, if you've— SOUND    JAVELIN HIT OLIVIA    He was silenced by sight of what seemed to be a young sapling sprung up from the ground within a yard of him—a young sapling tremulous, with a root of steel. KIPLING    Then a thread-like shadow skimmed the air, and another spear came impinging the ground within an inch of his feet. EMILY    As he turned in his flight he saw the goods so neatly arranged at his orders, and there flashed through him, even in the thick of the spears, the thought that he would be a grave loss to his employers. OLIVIA     This—for Mr. Williams was, not less than the goods, of a kind easily replaced—was an illusion. It was the last of Mr. Williams illusions. MOMENT OF SILENCE EMILY    So what shall we do now? SOUND    LARGE BOOK SHUTS DECISIVELY, CUTTING HER OFF OLIVIA    Happy Holidays, all - wherever and whatever they may be. CLOSER OLIVIA    Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back.  Maybe next week?  Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already... The stories dramatized in tonight's episode appeared in a collection titled "A Christmas Garland", first published in October of 1912, collected by Max Beerbohm.  Scruts was written by Arnold Bennett, PC X-36 was written by Rudyard Kipling, and The Feast was written by Joseph Conrad.  These stories have been edited slightly to fit the program.          

A story of a future without genders.... sort of. MANY COMMENTS from Julie,  LOLOLOL

[warning - mature situations, foul language and violence] An ornery old woman takes on all comers in defense of her family and her freedom - even the Devil and Death!  Cast List Maggie - Julie Hoverson Nursey - Robyn Keyes  Bertha - Rhys TM Barry - Mr. Synyster Kev - Michael Coleman (Tales of the Extraordinary) Jemma - Gwendolyn-Jensen Woodard (Gypsy Audio) Morte - Russell Gold Devil -Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Ted - Russell Gold Spike - Paul Mannering (Brokensea Audio) Other Bikers -  Brandon O'Brien; Bill Hollweg Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Photo:  Elizabeth Flores       (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it?  Why it's a recovery ward, can't you tell?" ***************************************** CRUMPING THE DEVIL Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Maggie Kev/"the Maniac", grandson Bertha, the manipulative daughter Barry, Bertha's bastard husband Nursey Morte Satan Jemma, the pregnant wimp daughter Ted, Jemma's abusive bastard husband Spike, violent biker OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a recovery ward, can't you tell?  MUSIC AMBIANCE    Hospital, beeps etc. MAGGIE    [talking on phone]  I don't give a flying rat's flaming anus how good a job he does! Shall I roll past your garage and post photos of what he did to his wife?  Perhaps I should leave a nice big bloodstain on your doorstep with the words wifebeater scrawled on the pavemment - don't think I won't! PATIENT    [groan] MAGGIE    [up] Stuff it! [back on phone] Oh, yes!  [evil laugh] You come down here and say that to my face - I'll call the press.  [delighted laugh] I can just see the rags with you beating up a helpless gran in a wheelchair.  Tough guy!  SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FEET COME IN NURSEY    Now, now - phone time's over.  Time to say goodbye to all your friends. MAGGIE    Bugger off, stay-puft. NURSEY    [tsks]  SOUND    PHONE GRABBED AND HUNG UP FORCEFULLY NURSEY    Dear, dear - no need to drive up your blood pressure.  You need to stay calm, ducks, and get your rest. SOUND    CURTAIN PULLED AROUND BED MAGGIE    I'm ordering prunes!  Lots of prunes!  Just so you have to clean up the mess when they come out the other end! NURSEY    My, my - but I'm not here all the time. MAGGIE    [snarled] I have your schedule memorized. MUSIC BERTHA    Mother, you need to be rational about this.  This is your fourth hospitalization this year - you've reached a point where you need someone to look after you.  MAGGIE    Visiting nurse comes by twice a week.  BERTHA     [prompting] Barry! BARRY    What if you... fall? MAGGIE    I have this very special invention.  It allows me to magically contact help when I need it.  BARRY    Oh, what? MAGGIE    It's called a cellphone, you scrofulous prick.  I'll wear it on a lanyard if it'll make you piss off.  Now get your sorry arses out of my sickroom. PATIENT    Go away. MAGGIE    See?  Even that bastard hates you. BERTHA    No mother, we're not leaving until we get this settled. MAGGIE    Nurse! BARRY    There is a button-- MAGGIE    Fuck off - this annoys her more.  Nurse! SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FEET COME IN SLOWLY KEV    H'lo Gran.  [reluctant] Mum.  [distasteful] Barry.    MAGGIE    Who the bloody buggery hell are you supposed to be? BERTHA    Oh, heavens, her memory is going! MAGGIE    Don't get your hopes up, arse-face.  Are you trying to tell me the fruit of your sweaty loins-- BERTHA    [gasp] MAGGIE    --has taken to running about dressed as sir poncy de leon? KEV    I'm Hamlet. MAGGIE    [laughing wickedly] Go on!  You?  You can't memorize the balance of your overdraft!  Come on then, soliloquize us! KEV    [chuckles] It's a sales promotion for a mattress shop.  To sleep or not to sleep, all that bollocks. BERTHA    [muttered] I just don't know where he gets this language from. MAGGIE    Oh, god - if you're truly that fucking dense, I wish I was your father so at least I'd have some slight glimmer of hope that you weren't mine! SOUND    DOOR OPENS, NURSEY FEET ENTER NURSEY    Come, come - let's keep it all nice and civil, there are other people in this hospital, you know. MAGGIE    Well, there must be people somewhere, but there's a couple of wankers in here.  Bugger off, knot-knickers.  BERTHA    [gasp, then affronted noises as she leaves] SOUND    FEET STORM OUT NURSEY    Dear, dear.  Poor old Maggie's being deserted. MAGGIE    Your turn, then isn't it, blancmange?  Shuffle off and fetch something, would you?  ...Like a stick? NURSEY    Tsk Tsk.  You really need to-- MAGGIE    You, hey you in the tights.  You stay.  [beat]  Gotta catflap in those bonbon knickers? KEV    No, gran. NURSEY    [psst, then confidential] Young man, you haven’t brought her any alcohol have you? KEV    No - no!  What sort of grandson would that make me?  No bottle on me anywhere, [leering] want to pat me down? NURSEY    [oblivious] No, no!  Five minutes, then visiting hours are over. SOUND    HER FEET LEAVE, DOOR SHUTS MAGGIE    [hushed] You did bring me something, didn't you?  You are aware I think you're the least worthless of all my pathetic offspring? SOUND    PLASTIC BAG OUT OF POCKET KEV    Love you too, gran.  I remember how much you complained last time of not being able to find a place to light one up, so I baked you some brownies. MAGGIE    You?  Baked?  KEV    I'm a sensitive new age type of bloke.  I can make a mix.  SOUND    OPENING PLASTIC BAG MAGGIE    [sniffs] Nice.  You didn't skimp on the "spices." SOUND    TAP ON THE DOOR NURSEY    Time's up! KEV    Stuff em somewhere.  Size of that cow, she probably snaps up everyone's sweeties.   MAGGIE    I think she just eats patients-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS MAGGIE    [louder] --mostly the males. KEV    [wincey noise] Ooh... MUSIC MAGGIE    [into phone, trying to be quiet] --the Maniac left me a mobile. Have you tracked down Python yet, then?  [beat, then getting loud]  Sod it!  I thought you bastards had better legal these days! SOUND     QUIETLY DOOR OPENS, SLOW FOOTSTEPS ENTER MAGGIE    There must be someone there whose tattooes run more than knickers deep!  [beat]  Fine, I'll call the-- SOUND    CURTAIN SWEPT ASIDE SUDDENLY MAGGIE    [gasp] Bugger me! SOUND    MUFFLED VOICE AS SHE HIDES THE PHONE, BEEPING, TRYING TO TURN IT OFF MORTE    Madame?  I believe you are expecting me. MAGGIE    Riiight.  Middle of the night, hospital room.  Must be the stripper.  Where's your music? MORTE    [startled] Um, no, I-- MAGGIE    Well, you can't be a doctor - they've all gone home.  We're in the hands of the sadists and the diapers. MORTE    The what? MAGGIE    Nurses and interns.  Look, It's late and I'm a bit too knackered to abuse you properly, so tell me who you bleeding think you are so you can sod off! MORTE    [trying to get his spooky back on] I'm... death. MAGGIE    Pull the other one - it spits. MORTE    No, really.  I'm... death. MAGGIE    Always thought you'd be Welsh.  So what are you doing swotting around here?  I'm not dead.  The infernal pinging thing says so. MORTE    But you are old [spooky] ...and dying. MAGGIE    [getting mad] So they keep fucking telling me, but I've never been one for following orders.  If you're really the angel of death, why are you wearing such a for-fucks-sake ugly suit?  And where's your bleeding scythe?  Can't be death without a jolly great scythe, can you, now? MORTE    Oh, please - this is the 21st century. MAGGIE    First piece of sense to come out of your festering gob, you git.  Now bugger off - I'm knackered, but I'm not ready for the tip yet. MORTE    You will see me again tomorrow. MAGGIE    Tell you what - you come back during visiting hours and I'll get my bastard son-in-law to drop in.  All I have to do is wave money anywhere within ten kilometers of my Jemma and that bastard appears like bleeding magic. MORTE    But I-- MAGGIE    Him you can take, with all my heartfelts.  If you're not going to make yourself useful, though, you can piss off and stay there. SOUND    FISHES OUT THE PHONE AND DIALS MORTE     [affronted, huffy] You're not supposed to have a mobile in the hospital. MAGGIE    Fuck off. [into phone]  Spike? MORTE    You have a friend named Spike? MAGGIE    [into phone] No, that's not a cop - just some prat trying to sell me life insurance.  Are you Spike? MORTE    You're really going to just ignore me? MAGGIE    Hold on. [hand over phone] Sorry, didn't mean to leave you hanging like that.  You're right, I should finish with you before making my calls.  So if you would kindly FUCK OFF?  Good.  [back to phone]  God, these bleeding salesmen.  They're like some damn pet pekingese - no balls but still won't stop humping once they get a grip on your leg. MORTE    Well, I- I-I- never! MAGGIE     Spike?  Great - what would it take to get some help with a problem? SOUND    MORTE'S FEET STORM OUT, DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS. MAGGIE    Nice!  Hold that thought, and I'll ring you back tomorrow - that twat's just gone to grass on me to the warden. MUSIC AMB     HOSPITAL ROOM - NOT SO URGENT.  NO PINGING THING. SOUND    TAP ON DOOR, THEN DOOR OPENS WITHOUT WAITING SOUND    WHEELCHAIR BEING PUSHED IN JEMMA    [weak, hopeful] Hello?  [down] Mum. MAGGIE    [trying to be calm and quiet] Jemma.  NURSEY    Here we all are then. SOUND    DOOR SWINGS SHUT NURSEY    Ready for a nice litle family chat. MAGGIE    Just ignore her.  [deep breath] They say you're going home soon. JEMMA    I'm all right. [she's not] MAGGIE    I'll see to it, someone drops around and keeps an eye on you. JEMMA    I'll be careful.  [not very convincing] Won't walk into any more... doors. MAGGIE    [getting a bit annoyed] Won't walk into any more fists, more like. JEMMA    [upset, "not in front of the nurse"] Mum!       MAGGIE    She's heard worse.  Haven't you, snowball? NURSEY    [affirming, acerbic] From you alone. MAGGIE    [snort of laughter, then serious]  So, when can I kill him? JEMMA    What? MAGGIE    That cocksucker husband of yours. JEMMA    Mother! MAGGIE    You can't say you don't want him dead.  Bertha keeps pissing on and on about my hospital record - you're leagues ahead of me.  Between the times he's knocked you up and the times he's knocked you down, it's amazing they don't just name a suite for you and give you your own key. JEMMA    [crying]  He doesn't mean to-- MAGGIE    [losing it]  Doesn't mean to!  What, he was cleaning his swotting great fist and it went off!?  Or the other part - dearie, you get preggers every time that arsehole even wanks in your direction.  You'd be much better off without him. JEMMA    He loves me. MAGGIE    Oh, god - we are not having this discussion again.  JEMMA    And we have eight children to look after - nine, soon. MAGGIE    [softer again]  It's all right then? JEMMA    [barely able to talk] Yes.  MAGGIE    Jems, that son of a syphilitic whore punched you - punched a pregnant woman, let alone a pregnant woman he claims to care for - in the bloody stomach.  JEMMA    [breaks into tears] NURSEY    Oh, look at the time.  Come along Maggie, musn't be late on your pills! MAGGIE    [yelling as they leave] Get it through your sodding thick skull - He DID MEAN IT!  MUSIC SOUND    NIGHT, PINGING, ETC. SOUND     MAGGIE MUNCHING ON SOMETHING SOUND     DOOR OPENS, SLOW FOOSTEPS (two sets) SOUND    PLASTIC BAG RATTLES AS IT'S HIDDEN MAGGIE    [sucking stuff out of her teeth]  Who's there? SOUND    CURTAIN PULLED ASIDE MAGGIE    [disgusted noise] Oh, it's just you.  Piss off. MORTE    I told you I would return. MAGGIE    And take my soul blah blah blah.  I have you sussed, you wanker. MORTE    Sussed?  I already told you - I'm death. MAGGIE    Right.  And I have a daughter who would like nothing more than to have her dear old mum babbling on about meeting death in the flesh - all so she can have me declared non compos and shoved away in some shithole of a home while she sends all my odds and sods to auction "on my behalf".  Piss off, and tell her she can piss off too. SATAN    [explosive laugh] MORTE    See?  I told you. MAGGIE    Told me what?  You're not making sense, the curtain is laughing like a drain, and I'm not that stoned. SOUND    CURTAIN OPENS FURTHER WITH A DRAMATIC SWEEP MORTE    She surely is the most frightful woman I've seen in years. SATAN    I like it. MAGGIE    And who are you supposed to be?  Revival of the Rocky Horror show? SATAN    [laughs harder] MORTE    He's the devil. MAGGIE    Well I knew he wasn't a doctor - not dressed like that.  [sigh] SATAN    [laughing subsides] MAGGIE    Are you done?  I wouldn’t want to waste a good insult on you when you can't hear it properly. SATAN    [chuckles, but stops himself]  Go on. MAGGIE    Dressed like that, you look like Sir Elton John vomited all over you. SATAN    [chuckles] MAGGIE    And I suspect that'd be rare, since he's probably got a strong gag reflex. SATAN    [a moment, then a gasp as he gets it, then uproarious laughter] MAGGIE    Told you it was a good one. [joins in] MORTE    I don't get it. MAGGIE    Oh, god.  You need to loosen the fuck up.  [evil chuckle]  Here.  Have a brownie. MORTE    A brownie?  Ooh.  Chocolate is my weakness. SOUND    RATTLE OF PLASTIC MAGGIE    Death and chocolate - imagine that.  How about you, Gary Glitter? SATAN    Well, if you're offering. [They munch for a minute] MORTE    Interesting [licks his lips, speculatively] ...aftertaste. MAGGIE    Old family recipe.  The maniac bakes them for me.  Don't tell the nurse - she's already thirteen stone. MORTE    [snorts]  Oh goodness! SATAN    [giggles uncontrollably] SOUND    CELL PHONE RINGS MAGGIE    Scuse me for a minute, will you? [they murmur assent] SOUND    PHONE ACTIVATED MAGGIE    Yeah?  Is this Spike?  Then who the bloody hell--  [pleased] Really? MORTE    [confiding, but loopy] Shouldn't have  mobile in hospital.   SATAN    Might call for help? [they both laugh] MAGGIE    You up for it, then?  More the merrier, I always say.  [beat]  Oh, dead may be overkill, but I wouldn't shed any tears.  Mostly I'd prefer him unable to fuck, or walk for at least a year - no, never again on the first - can you manage that? SATAN    [awed] What?  Did I hear you--? MAGGIE    Shut it.  [on phone]  Candy striper.  You know, one of those new homosexual ones.  [back on topic] So, you can handle it? SATAN    I'll have you know-- MAGGIE    [covers phone] Everyone knows you swing both ways - the devil can fuck with anyone. SATAN    Well [trying not to laugh], if you put it that way [bursts into hilarity again] MAGGIE    Great - when?  [upset] Weekend?  Not sooner?  They'll be sending her home tomorrow! MORTE    I thought you were talking about a man?  Who you don't want to be able to-- MAGGIE    Fine.  [annoyed] I'll try and get out of here too, then shall I?  No I bloody well can't talk them into letting her stay-- MORTE    --to [uncomfortable] "do it"-- SATAN    Just say "fuck." MORTE    [affronted] No. SATAN    Come on, I dare you. MAGGIE    Shut up or piss off.  I'm almost finished.  [into phone]  Saturday night, then?  Call me Thursday, same time, and I'll say where.  Brilliant.  SOUND    PHONE OFF MORTE    So is it? MAGGIE    Is it what, arse-face? MORTE    Is it a man or a woman? SATAN    He means who are you talking on the phone about? MAGGIE    I've got some friends of a-- MORTE    --questionable moral character? MAGGIE    Well, they do call themselves the Bastards of Carnage, so that might be a clue - Anyway, I've arranged will ... have a chat with ... my daughter's oozing sore of a so-called husband. MORTE    And you don't want him to be able to-- MAGGIE    And they won't be as kind as a vetrinarian. SATAN    Well!  [lip smacking noises]  Have you any more of those brownies? MUSIC AMB    MAGGIE'S ROOM KEV    I hear they're letting you go? MAGGIE    They have to get sick of me eventually. KEV    Are you doing all right?  Really? MAGGIE    Healthy as a horse.  [sighs] One of those swayback cartoon nags with glue factory stamped on them.  You know what your evil bitch of a mother is trying to do to me? KEV    Would it be so bad? MAGGIE    Et tu, wanker? KEV    No!  I'm really just curious.  MAGGIE    Well, quite apart from the horrors of loss of control over your life, the fact that they will likely frown on my extensive collection of filthy artwork, and having to obey people whose nappies I might have changed, it's the piss. KEV    Piss? MAGGIE    At your age, piss is still romantic.  Getting yourself well and truly pissed, pissing in the snow, nasty piss-scented alleys where you buy happy little packages - piss hasn't lost its shine. KEV    Oh? MAGGIE    By the time you get old, piss is the thing you fear the most.  Your own, someone else's - fuck death, fuck the devil, if there was a sodding god of piss we'd all be sacrificing virgin sheep to him just to make him stay the fuck away.  That's what those places are, Kev.  [solemn] They are where piss goes to die.  The smell, the damp, the feel in the air.  As long as I can still hold my water and get myself in and out of the bogatory, it's my bleeding right to look after myself.  KEV    [serious] All right. MAGGIE    [fierce again] Next time you feel yourself getting curious, darling beast, just swot on down to the crystal lights retirement complex - you don't even have to go inside, just stand downwind and have a good long whiff.  MUSIC AMB    NIGHTTIME AGAIN MAGGIE    [anxious sigh, then fretting] What is the bloody holdup?  I said-- SOUND    PHONE BUZZES, TURNED ON MAGGIE    Finally!  Took your goddamn time, didn't you?  [beat]  So Jemma phoned you - God, how I spewed forth such a spineless cow, I've no idea.  [beat, then disgusted]  Oh, right, the bloody money - that's the only thing you give a shit about, isn't it? MAGGIE    Don't bother, you mealy mouthed two faced prick!  I know just how much you care for your wife - I've seen the sodding medical charts.  [beat]  Blah Blah Blah.  Blah Blah Blah.  Course you have a problem - you're still fucking breathing.  I am planning on fixing that, you know.  [beat]  [chuckles nastily]  Wouldn’t you like to know?  I'll tell you when, though - give you something to stew about, you arsehole - Saturday night.  You'd best watch your step, cause you may not realize it, but I have friends in low, low places, and they just love an excuse to beat some bastard to holy fuck and back!  [beat]  What do you mean, how are they going to find you?  They're probably already watching you.  Run if you want, but unless you find some way to get me first, they will get you.  SOUND    PHONE SHUT OFF SATAN    Was that really a good idea? SOUND    QUIET FOOTSTEPS APPROACH MAGGIE    What, impressed? SATAN    Yes and no.  I like your intensity, but you shouldn't have warned him. MAGGIE    Betcha I know what I'm doing. SATAN     [seriously] Let me think about it. MAGGIE    So, what's the pitch tonight?  And where's the undertaker? SATAN    He's a very busy entity.  He's already wasted rather a lot of time trying to impress you. MAGGIE    Why impress me - isn't he fucking all-powerful death?  Doesn't he just whisk people off and bobs your uncle, you're hip deep in the bleeding river styx? SATAN    Styx?  Well, I'm impressed-- MAGGIE    [dismissively] Beer mat trivia.  So it's just you and me tonight, is it?  Pity - I haven't had a really good threesome since 1968. SATAN    [chortle] MAGGIE    Right, laughing boy.  Either you dropped in for more of the maniac's brownies, or you want something from me, and I don't fancy myself so fucking entertaining that I'd drag you away from the torture telly. SATAN    Torture? MAGGIE    Bleeding heart chat shows and those so-called game shows where people swallow foul things that haven't even taken them to dinner and a picture first. SATAN    [sigh] Bloody hell - it's getting so hard to frighten people these days.  You say you'll stick a red-hot poker up the bum and half say "been there, done that". MAGGIE    Well, I've been and done around in my time.  Are you planning to try and scare the crap out of me? SATAN    Really, I just follow Morty around, since once he lets on he's coming for someone, it's usually a piece of piss to get them to agree to sell their soul... MAGGIE    [bark of laughter] A bit like when a bloody great hurricane hits and all the bastard insurance salesmen clean up selling storm coverage? SATAN    A bit.  So.  You selling? MAGGIE    Blunt, aren't you? SATAN    I feel we've gone a bit beyond a sales pitch here. MAGGIE    So?  I sell my soul and you - what?  Give me my greatest wish?  I assume immortality is only on the high shelf - the one you can't ever knock down enough sodding bottles to win. SATAN    What do you want? MAGGIE    [thinks, then]  No.  Two reasons.  First, I still believe you're some starving artist Bertha paid to come round and chat me up.  Second, I might have a mouth like a public urinal, but I still read my classics.  Monkey's Paw?  Nothing good ever comes from a bad deal.  SATAN    It's not my fault if people don't take time to read the small print.   MAGGIE    You ponder enough, there's always a way to bugger the customer.  If nothing else - just send the damn thing round unassembled, with instructions in fucking Parsi. SATAN    [laughing again] I do like you. MAGGIE    Can’t say you're the worst bastard I've had to deal with in my whole sodding life. SATAN    Tell you what - just to prove that I am what I claim to be, how about a freebie? MAGGIE    I draw the line at giving up my favors for anything less than a fiver. SATAN    [chuckling] No, I mean I'll do something for you.  No strings.  Cross my heart. MAGGIE    You're not planning to bugger me on this? SATAN    What would it get me, until I get a signature on the dotted line?  It can't be anything huge - I'll not cure cancer or feed the world's hungry-- MAGGIE    Sod the hungry.  Too many bloody people clogging up the sewer we call the world anyway. SATAN    --or make you healthy. MAGGIE    [grim] Yeah, right. SATAN    Something short term and simple. MAGGIE    I got it.  And if you do it, I promise to take under consideration that you might actually be the bleeding king of the underworld.  Right? SATAN    Ask and it shall be done. MAGGIE    Right.  Now you have to wait until I say "done" before you go swotting off and do this - I want every bloody condition met.  SATAN    [very serious] Very well. MAGGIE    With no harm to either of them, in the immediate or long term, I want something to happen that will keep Jemma in hospital until Sunday.  Can you do me that?  Suspicious skin condition, something - and this is the part that if you fuck me I will find a way to rip your bollocks off - it has to be something that won't hurt the baby.  Right, uh... [thinking, then] Fuck.  Done. SATAN    [dead serious]  I see.  Agreed.  [beat, then a bit hesitant]  You wouldn't happen to have any of those brownies, would you? MUSIC SOUND    WHEELING DOWN A HOSPITAL HALL NURSEY    Doctor says you're just about well enough to leave.  MAGGIE    [snarl] Lovely.  NURSEY    Probably tomorrow - just in time for the weekend. MAGGIE    [snarl] Can't think of anything that would brighten my day more. SOUND    DOOR OPENS BERTHA    Oh!  Here she is. MAGGIE    Oh, bollocks, who decided to shit all over my parade? BERTHA    Mother! MAGGIE    Technically.  Can you at least keep your festering gob shut until this pelican gets me settled?  It's humiliating enough to be jumbled around like someone's sodding laundry, but to have an audience is just the bloody capper. BERTHA     Mother, this is too important to wait. MAGGIE    Fine.  Talk. BERTHA    I brought you the brochures-- MAGGIE    [somewhat muffled] Talk over.  Fuck off. BERTHA    Mother!  You must admit you need care.  You can't-- MAGGIE    I can!  You'll never get an agreement from me to being stuck in your fucking P-O-W camp, and if you even think about trying to  prove me incompetent, I will change my will and put Jemma in charge. BERTHA    [indignant] Jemma!  She doesn’t --- She has too many... children... to look after! MAGGIE    [smug] And a bastard husband who will go through the bulk of my money in a week or two, slick as snot.  BERTHA    Besides, Jemma's going to be a bit longer here herself.  Some weird rash has cropped up that they want to keep for observation. MAGGIE    [at a loss]  Really?  [swallows, then her beligerance returns]  Devil only knows how that happened.  Right.  Now, I'm tired and you need to PISS OFF. BERTHA    This is not over! SOUND    FEET STORM OUT, DOOR SLAMS NURSEY    And what's wrong with a little care? MAGGIE    You. MUSIC SOUND    NIGHTTIME MAGGIE    All right, you pouffy bastard - come out. SATAN    [tsks]  Names? MAGGIE    Endearments, darling beast.  So what did you do to my idiot daughter? SATAN    You asked for a skin disease - I gave you one.  Shouldn’t even be much scarring. MAGGIE    Scars she's used to.  I'll send her a bloody great tub of aloe vera.  Or will it to her.  I meant to ask, when can I expect another visit from lord stick up his bum? SATAN    Death?  About a week.  Maybe less.  MAGGIE    And then--? SATAN    [final, agreeing] And then.  You ready to sign on? MAGGIE    I'll read the bloody fine print first. SATAN    [chuckling, evilly] You may not have time - there's a helluva lot of fine print. MAGGIE    [chukles evilly back]  Hand it over. SOUND    HUGE SHEAF OF PAPER HITS THE TABLE WITH A THUD MAGGIE    Bugger me! SATAN    There may be an easier way. MAGGIE    Than buggering me?  What's that, then? SATAN    A bet.  MAGGIE    A bet? SATAN    You suggested it yourself last night.  I asked if you know what you're doing, and you-- MAGGIE    [considering, then quietly] I spoke very loosely. SATAN    The devil is in the details.  [laughs] MAGGIE    How do I prove I won, and what do I get? SATAN    What you get - hmm - I'll get Morty off your back, for, say, ten years?    MAGGIE    Is that all? SATAN    Who do you think I am, bloody Oprah? MAGGIE    That has to come with two things-- SATAN    I said-- MAGGIE    I have to be in at least as good health as I am now the entire time - no fucking coma for ten years - and abso-fucking-lutely no bloody nursing home.  I'll live on the kerb before I'll-- SATAN    Done. MAGGIE    And if I lose? SATAN    I get your soul - immediately. MAGGIE    So the bet is I know what I'm doing - how do I prove I won?  SATAN    What are you trying to accomplish? MAGGIE    Oh, no - I'm not giving you any chance to play silly beggars with my plans.  Suffice to say that after Saturday night I will still be the one smiling? SATAN    Hmm - give me a few more of those brownies and you have a deal. MUSIC SOUND    DOOR OPENS, WHEELCHAIR ENTERS MAGGIE    Jems? JEMMA    [weak, but better than before] Yes?  MAGGIE    They say you're to stay here a few more days. JEMMA    It's this bloody rash.  [itching noise] NURSEY    Now now, you know you're not supposed to-- MAGGIE    [weary] Bugger off Moby Dick.  Jems, I'm going home now, they say, and - uh - this weekend should be bloody interesting. JEMMA    [dull] Of course, mum.  You have someone to look in on you?  Bertha? MAGGIE    Only if I want to sign my away my soul.  [laughs uncomfortably]  Nah, I've talked Kev into roughing it with me for the weekend. JEMMA    [a bit disbelieving] Oh.  Yeah.  Good. MUSIC KEV    [muffled, nervous, on the phone]  Of course this is her bloody mobile!  She's asleep.  [beat]  Fuck no, I won't!  You can haul your own bleeding carcass in here and do your own dirty work.  [beat, sarcastic]  Ri-i-ight.  No, you don't understand - I'm rather fond of the old bag-- [beat]  Well, yeah, there is a toady element to it, but we get on, gran and me.  I'd just as soon have her around a while longer.  [beat]  Ain't impossible, innit?  She is meeting her solicitor next-- [beat] Oh, you didn't know that yet, did you?  [beat, then cowed]  Y‑yeah, I know--  No!  No, don't go to the cops.  I'll--  [beaten] I'll leave latch up, then, shall I? MUSIC [very ominous] SOUND     DOOR OPENS VERY CAREFULLY.  SOUND OF GENTLE WHEEZY BREATHING.  SLOW CREAKING FOOTFALLS.  TED    [muttering]  Stupid bloody old cow.  Have my guts for garters will she?  Hah!  SOUND     CREEPING GETS CLOSER TO THE BREATHING. TED    Once we've got your fucking money, you old bitch, Jemma'n me'll be just bloody fine.   SOUND    LIGHT SWITCH TURNED ON MAGGIE    [casual, off in a corner] Oh, right.  Tickety-bloody-boo. TED    [whirling]  You insane bitch!  [unsure] Wait!  If you're over there in the shadows, then who's in the sodding bed? SOUND     BEDCLOTHES FLUNG BACK KEV    [flamey] 'elo, luv! TED    What kind of bloody game are you playing? MAGGIE     Hmm.  Red Rover.  Red Rover, red rover, send the donkey's scrotum over. TED     Two to one?  The mummy and the weasel.  I can take the both of you!  [yells and runs at her] SOUND     RUNNING FEET, BROUGHT TO A SUDDEN HALT TED    [urk] SOUND     BODY DROP SPIKE    [chuckles nastily] No, me old son, I think you've got that ass-backwards.  Hasn't he, lads? SOUND     DOORS OPEN, SEVERAL SETS OF HEAVY FEET ENTER BIKERS     [agreeing noises, laughs.] SOUND    SLAP OF FIST INTO HAND, CHAIN RATTLES KEV    You mind, gran?  Not my thing. MAGGIE    [kindly] Nah, go ahead, you ponce.  I'll be right here.  Better than a jolly great football riot. KEV    [off] Yeah, but guess who gets to hose out your kip? SOUND     FEET SCUTTLE OUT OF ROOM TED    [panicking] Someone'll hear! MAGGIE    Not bloody likely.  I made dead cert of that.  Amazing what free dinner coupons will do to get people to vacate for the night.  Course, police'll chalk them up to the same burglars who broke in here - luckily Kev and I stopped in for dinner with Bertha. KEV    [yelling from off] We had a sodding flat on the way. MAGGIE    [threatening] Doesn't that just take the biscuit?  Now Ted.  If you take this like a good little mountain of elephant dung, quietly and repentant-like, they might leave you alive.  SOUND    PUNCHING COMMENCES, associated noises from the bikers TED    [grunts]  Hey!  Why--? MAGGIE    [incensed]  Why?  Hold up.  [starting low, and mounting] Three broken wrists - that's why.  A cracked fucking pelvis - that's why.  A broken collarbone - that's why!  Thirty-bloody-seven sodding black eyes, and that's only the ones I counted myself - that's why!  Punching your fucking pregnant wife in her stomach [ragged breath, then almost a whisper]  That.  Is why. SOUND    PUNCHING COMMENCES AGAIN, associated noises from the bikers MUSIC SOUND    HOSPITAL HALLWAY, ANNOUNCEMENTS, WHEELCHAIR APPROACHES NURSEY    [distasteful, but trying to hide it] Oh, goodness, are you back? MAGGIE    No fear, yeti.  We're just visiting, aren't we?  KEV    Right.  We're family. NURSEY    That's lovely.  Well, just a minute then.  He's not really up to much.  Poor fellow. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, PINGING MACHINES INSIDE MAGGIE    I know.  [pouring on the melodrama]  Apparently he was coming by to bring some flowers - since I'd just got out of hospital - and surprised some burglars or something.  [sounding almost teary]  But for the grace of the almighty, that could have been us - couldn't it, Kev? KEV    Worth every bite of mum's pork au poivre. MAGGIE    [sharp] Shh.  [teary] Tragic. NURSEY    [softening] See, I knew you had it in you. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS MAGGIE    If only she had it in her more often, she wouldn't be such a tight-ass knicker-twisting sodding git. TED    [muffled by tubes and such]  uh? MAGGIE    Good night.  What a mess. TED    [alarmed] uh! MAGGIE    Don't call reinforcemants just yet - we're merely here to deliver a message. TED    [shuddering] um? MAGGIE    It boils down to this, my evil bastard sonofabitch in law.  Quite apart from being ready to kill you should anything untoward happen to either of us here, my friends plan to visit anything you do to Jemma upon you.  And I do mean anything.  If you get anywhere near her, even with a freindly weapon, you better be ready to take every single bleeding stroke you give.  SOUND    WHEELCHAIR ROLLS AWAY MAGGIE    I'll send round some vaseline. SOUND    DOOR OPENS MUSIC SOUND    TELLY ON LOW, MAGGIE TAPPING FURIOUSLY AWAY ON COMPUTER MAGGIE    Bastards!  Fucking evil empire bastards!  They just wait until I'm in hospital, and change the rates on me again! SATAN    [clears throat] MAGGIE    One minute - I have to update my sodding bid structure.  Again. SATAN    What? MAGGIE    Business.  And... there.  Good for now. SATAN    Well, um.  [a bit cowed]  The bet. MAGGIE    You have to admit, I got my bloody way. SATAN    Yes.  Very well too.  MAGGIE    So I win, do I? SATAN    Oh... yes.  You're very impressive.  I'd almost offer you a job myself. MAGGIE    Come back in ten years, [fondly] you ponce.  So what, do we shake on it or somesuch? SATAN    Frankly, I'm rather fond of my fingers. MAGGIE    [laughs]  You have my oath I won't bite...  This time. SATAN    Right, then. SOUND    HESITATE, THEN A HANDSHAKE MAGGIE    Go on then.  I'm far too bloody busy to be swotting around all day with the likes of you.  SOUND    TAPS A FEW KEYS MAGGIE    [to computer]  What does that wanker bloody mean he forgot to pay me?  [aside]  There's some brownies there.  Drop round any time.  [back to computer, then fading out] Dammit!  Dammit it all to bloody buggery arse-face fucking donkey scrotum hell!!! CLOSER OLIVIA    Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back.  Maybe next week?  Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...  

Newsflash!  Women turn green in small community!  Strange growths everywhere!  What could be behind it?

Adapted by Julie Hoverson from a story by Saki (H.H. Munro) When the Christmas rush takes shoppers off to the big city, how do you get them to stick to the local shops? A lovely tale of viral marketing! [Saki was often way ahead of his time!] Announcer - Jennifer Dixon Mr. Scarrick - John Lingard Jimmy - Will Watt Lucy - Tanja Milojevic [Lightning Bolt Theater] Boy - Reynaud LeBoeuf Man - Anthony D.P. Mann [Horror Etc.] Miss Fritten - Robyn Keyes Mrs. Greyes - Jennifer Dixon Mrs. Gordon - Judith Moore Gloria - Beverly Poole Other women - Julie Hoverson Sound and mastering by Julie Hoverson Music by Kevin McLeod (Incompetech.com) Picture by lucias_clay, found with help from Bill Jones. ************************************************ Quail Seed Cast: Announcer Scarrick, shopkeeper (M50s) Jimmy, Assistant (M20s) Lucy, Jimmy's girl (F20s) Boy (M20s) Man/Beard (M30s) Miss Fritten (F30s) Greyes (F30s) Gordon (F30s) Miss Jones (F30s) Miss Smith (F30s) Gloria (F20s) Lipping (F30s)   SAKI OPENING MUSIC   SCENE 1.    SCARRICK'S SUNDRIES (SHOP) SOUND     SHOP DOOR, BELL, FOOTSTEPS LUCY    Hello?  Helloooo? JIMMY    [close]  Morning, Lucy! LUCY    [startled gasp]  Jimmy! There you are.  Bit... empty in here, isn’t it? JIMMY    [heavy sigh] A bit. LUCY    But where are all the Christmas shoppers? JIMMY    Shh!  Whatever you do, don't ask that in front of Mr. Scarrick.  You'll quite set him off.  LUCY    Oh! JIMMY    It's all right, he's out at the moment. LUCY    [impressed] He left you in charge? JIMMY    [heavy sigh, morose]  Only in the certainty that there won't be a stampede on our services. LUCY    That bad, eh? JIMMY    Yeah.  Quite. SOUND    DOOR, BELL, FOOTSTEPS MISS SMITH    Hello? SOUND    QUICK STEPS JIMMY    Yes?  How may I assist you? MISS SMITH    [nervous] Oh, I was -um- just looking for a railway timetable?  I'm going up to the city-- [breaks off] JIMMY    Sorry.  Clean out.  Perhaps next week. MISS SMITH    Ah.  Thank you. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, BELL DOOR LUCY    You might have made a sale! JIMMY    She just wanted to look. LUCY    You don't know that. JIMMY    [bitter admission] She's the fourth today.  Everyone would rather take the train to town and shop in a big department store than [quoting] bother to take advantage of the convenience-- SOUND    DOOR BELL MISS JONES    Hello? JIMMY    ...and that's five. MUSIC   SCENE 2.    PUB SCARRICK    The outlook is not encouraging for us smaller businesses. SOUND    POURING DRINK SCARRICK    These big concerns are offering all sorts of attractions to the shopping public which we couldn't afford to imitate, even on a small scale-- reading-rooms and play-rooms and gramophones and Heaven knows what. BOY    [normal, commiserating] People like shiny objects. SCARRICK    And they don't care to buy half a pound of sugar nowadays unless they can listen to Harry Lauder and have the latest Australian cricket scores ticked off before their eyes. MAN    Seems like quite a trip for sugar. SCARRICK    With the big Christmas stock we've got in, we ought to keep half a dozen assistants hard at work.  But as it is my nephew Jimmy and myself can pretty well attend to it ourselves.  In fact, I've left him in charge.  I've never done that before. BOY    I'm sure he'll be fine. SCARRICK    [drinks] It's a nice stock of goods, too.  I could run it all off in a few weeks time, but there's no chance of that--not unless the London line was to get snowed up for a fortnight before Christmas. MAN    [musing] How you gonna keep them home on the farm? MUSIC   SCENE 3.    SCARRICK'S SOUND    SHOP DOOR, BELL MRS. GREYES    --so tedious, but there it is, and what else is one to do? MISS FRITTEN    We shall simply wait for the next--  SCARRICK    May I help you ladies? MRS. GREYES    Oh!  [evasive] Really, we just stopped in to see about --- um, about-- MISS FRITTEN    Bootlaces.  MRS. GREYES    Bootlaces!  Yes!  I've been in dire need of some-- SCARRICK    [hearty] Of course.  Over on the left wall, near the back. MRS. GREYES    Oh, yes, of course.  [whispering]  You knew he'd try and sell us something if we came in here!  Bootlaces indeed.  I already have more laces than boots! MISS FRITTEN    At least if we do make a purchase, they're small enough to carry when we go to-- MRS. GREYES    Shh! SCARRICK    Finding everything? MRS. GREYES    Oh, yes.  This is the best ... um... anchovy paste.  Just what I was looking for. MISS FRITTEN    Just lovely! SCARRICK    Perhaps you ladies could help me.  I was thinking of adding a little entertainment to the shop. MRS. GREYES    Oh? SCARRICK    I did have a sort of idea of engaging Miss Luffcombe to give recitations during afternoons; she made a great hit at the Post Office entertainment with her rendering of 'Little Beatrice's Resolve'. MISS FRITTEN    [very uncertain] Oh, that would be ...just ... lovely. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS ODDLY SCARRICK    What? SOUND    ODD FOOTSTEPS ENTER SCARRICK    [excusing himself] Your pardon. SOUND    SCARRICK GOES TO THE COUNTER MRS. GREYES    [whispered] Perhaps we should just do our shopping here. MISS FRITTEN    But I'm in my best hat! MRS. GREYES    Shh! Shh!  Look at that! MISS FRITTEN    What an odd looking boy.  Brown as a nut, but we've not had sun in weeks! MRS. GREYES    And those clothes.  Like something out of the Arabian nights! SOUND    CLANG BOY    [accented now] Six pomegranates, please, and a packet of quail seed. MISS FRITTEN    What's the bowl for? MRS. GREYES    To carry the pomegranates? MISS FRITTEN    Why not a string bag? MRS. GREYES    Allergies?  Shh! SCARRICK    [business as usual]  Here you are.  We have some lovely pomegranates. MISS FRITTEN    He doesn't even look surprised! MRS. GREYES    The boy must have been here before. SOUND    COIN SKITTERING, CAUGHT BOY    The wine and figs were not paid for yesterday.  Keep what is over of the money for our future purchases. SCARRICK    [formal and serious] As you wish.  SOUND    BOY LEAVES, DOOR SHUTS SOUND    SKITTERING OF LADIES FEET MISS FRITTEN    [to Scarrick, hinting] A very strange-looking boy? SCARRICK    [final]  A foreigner, I believe. MRS. GREYES    Does he shop here often?  Surely there can't be much call for ...quail seed... at this time of year. SCARRICK    It takes all sorts. SOUND    DOOR OPENS SOUND    HEAVY OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS MISS FRITTEN    [gasp] MRS. GREYES    Oh!  [covering her consternation]  Oh, I forgot those bootlaces!  [hissed] Come on! SOUND    THEY SKITTER AWAY MAN    [accented] I wish for a pound and a half of the best coffee you have. SCARRICK    [wary] Certainly sir. MRS. GREYES    Look at that beard! MISS FRITTEN    Like a comedy Russian. MRS. GREYES    No, more like an ancient Assyrian. MAN    [suspicious] Has a dark-faced boy been here buying pomegranates? SCARRICK    Can't say that I've seen anyone like that. MRS. GREYES    Oh!  [muffles self] MISS FRITTEN    [whispered]  How could he! SCARRICK    [offhanded] We have a few pomegranates in stock, but there has been no real demand for them. MAN    My servant will fetch the coffee, as usual. SOUND    COIN SKITTERS, HEAVY FEET START TO WALK AWAY, THEN STOP MAN    [very importantly] Have you, perhaps, any quail seed? SCARRICK    [unhesitating] No.  we don't stock it. GREYES AND FRITTEN [gasp] SOUND    FEET WALK AWAY MRS. GREYES    [whispered] What will he deny next? MISS FRITTEN    And I always believed Mr. Scarrick to be such a truthful man.  Heavens! He just presided at a lecture on Savonarola. SOUND    DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES MRS. GREYES    Don't let's bother about the 3.12.  Let's dash, and talk this out at Laura Lipping's MISS FRITTEN     Perhaps we should buy a few things first.  Since we're here. MUSIC   SCENE 4.    TEA MISS FRITTEN    [recounting lusciously] Turning up the deep astrakhan collar of his long coat, the stranger swept out of the shop, with the air of a Satrap proroguing a Sanhedrim. MRS. LIPPING    Do Satraps prorogue? MISS FRITTEN    [coldly superior] Have you ever seen one that didn't? GLORIA    I don't even know what a Sanhedrim is.  Is it a dance? MISS FRITTEN    It is a simile and hardly matters.  Or do I mean an allegory? MRS. GORDON    And the boy? MRS. GREYES    I should have though him Greek, but after seeing that beard-- MRS. LIPPING    They could have been unrelated. MISS FRITTEN    Unrelated?  And both asking for "quail seed"?  Mark my words.  There's something afoot. MRS. GREYES    What bothers me most is this unprecedented streak of falsity in our local grocer! GLORIA    I've never known Mr. Scarrick to prevaricate like that before! MRS. GREYES    It's the influence of that artist that took the flat above the shop.  Mark my words.  [importantly] Bohemian. MRS. GORDON    [tragically] I shall never again be able to believe what he tells me about the absence of colouring matter in the jam. MUSIC   SCENE 5.    SCARRICK'S SOUND    DOOR, BELL SOUND    BROOM LUCY    Jimmy? JIMMY    Yeah.  Here. LUCY    Goodness, it looks like a tornado touched down. JIMMY    Fabulous, isn't it? LUCY    But, what happened? JIMMY    This afternoon, from tea onwards, we had a constant stream of shoppers.  LUCY    Is this something to do with the odd individuals who may or may not have been in this afternoon? JIMMY    [overly innocent] Whomever do you refer to? LUCY    Come on!  It's all over town.  People talked about it at tea, and more people talked about it at supper.  I expect they're all talking about it over Bridge even as we speak.  The dark young man and the Beard.  JIMMY    Sounds a bit like a music hall act. LUCY    [speculatively] Yes... yes, it does.... MUSIC   SCENE 6.    SCARRICK'S [MANY CUSTOMERS] MISS SMITH    Is this the freshest jar of pickles? JIMMY    Miss?  I suppose so. MISS SMITH    It looks a bit dusty. JIMMY    That would be my fault-- SCARRICK    [commanding] Jimmy! JIMMY    So sorry, must jump. MISS FRITTEN    [whispered]  Do you think they will return? MRS. GREYES    I have it on good authority someone's rented that house at the far end of Plummergen. MISS FRITTEN    But why should they come all this way to shop? MRS. GREYES    [knowing] Plummergen drapers don't stock quail seed.  MISS FRITTEN    [getting it] Ah! SOUND    REGISTER NOISE SCARRICK    That will be three shillings and four pence. SOUND    COINS MRS. LIPPING    I'm looking for something interesting for a savory.  Have you any, any‑‑ SOUND    GENERAL HUSH MRS. LIPPING    [nervous] --any, um-- SCARRICK    [as if nothing is amiss]  I have some pickled olives.  Imported from turkey. MRS. LIPPING    Yes, anything. SOUND    JAR SET DOWN, CASH REGISTER SOUND    JABBER BEGINS AGAIN SOUND    DOOR OPENS, BELL, JABBER SLOWLY DIES AWAY. SILENCE SOUND    BOY WALKS IN. SOUND    BOWL SET DOWN. SCARRICK    [normal]  What can I get for you today? BOY    I require a pound of honey. SOUND    BREATH BEING LET OUT ALL OVER BOY    and - [quieter] and a packet of quail seed. SOUND    GENERAL INTAKE OF BREATH, GIGGLE QUICKLY MUFFLED SCARRICK    Very good, sir. SOUND    CONVERSATIONS, FORCED LAUGHTER, BUT MUTED, LISTENING MISS FRITTEN    [excited whisper] We might be living in the Arabian Nights. MRS. GREYES    Hush! Listen! SOUND    THINGS PLACED INTO BOWL, BOWL REMOVED, BOY STARTS TO LEAVE. SOUND    QUICK FOOTSTEPS JIMMY    [hurried, fraught with meaning] We have some very fine Jaffa oranges.  Around behind here. BOY    [gasps] SOUND    QUICK SHUFFLE OF FEET SOUND    DOOR OPENS, MAN STRIDES IN. SOUND    GASPS SCARRICK    [unperturbed]  What may I get for you today, Sir? MAN    A pound of dates and a tin of the best Smyrna halva. MISS FRITTEN    Halva?  What is that? MRS. GREYES    It comes from Smyrna - that's figs, isn't it, Smyrna is? GLORIA    Who would want dates AND figs? MRS. LIPPING    Hush. SCARRICK    There you are.  MAN    Hmm [evaluating noise]  Yes. SOUND    COINS DROPPED MAN    Has the dark-faced boy, of whom I spoke yesterday, been here to-day? GLORIA    [stifled squeak of excitement] SOUND    [shushing all round] SCARRICK    We've had rather more people than usual in the shop to-day... but I can't recall a boy such as you describe. SOUND    [gasps] MRS. GREYES    [satisfied] Didn't we say? MISS FRITTEN    It's too too terrible. MUSIC   SCENE 7.    TEA MRS. GREYES    It is deplorable that anyone - particularly someone in a position such as Mr. Scarrick -should treat the truth as an article temporarily and excusably out of stock. MISS FRITTEN    More quail seed!  Those quails must be voracious!  [realizing]  or else... perhaps it isn't quail seed at all. MRS. GREYES    I believe it's opium, and the bearded man is a detective. MRS. LIPPING    I don't.  I'm sure it's something to do with the Portuguese Throne. MISS FRITTEN     More likely to be a Persian intrigue on behalf of the ex-Shah.  The bearded man belongs to the Government Party. The quail-seed is a countersign, of course; Persia is almost next door to Palestine, and quails come into the Old Testament, you know. GLORIA    [exasperated] Only as a miracle.  [knowing] I've thought all along it was part of a love intrigue. MRS. LIPPING    I distinctly saw a snarl of baffled rage as the man departed, sandwiched between that heavy moustache and upturned astrakhan collar. GLORIA    I can’t imagine that that boy is the guilty party here.  Much more likely he's simply perishing of love for someone - perhaps the daughter of the beard, but the match is quite unsuitable-- MISS FRITTEN    Honey and pomegranates - of course!!! MUSIC   SCENE 8.    SCARRICK'S SHOP, NIGHT, QUIET SOUND    DOOR, BELL JIMMY    [calling from off] Closed! LUCY    I know, mutton head. JIMMY    Oh, Lucy! SOUND    BROOM DOWN, STEPS LUCY    Another busy day? JIMMY    The busiest.  Another day or two of brisk trade and we'll be--[cut off with a gasp] SOUND    KISS LUCY    [laughing] I was here today, you know. JIMMY    [uneasy] Oh? LUCY    [indulgent] You were quite the hero.  Hustling that poor young man off behind the biscuit tins in the very nick of time. JIMMY    [flustered] Well, I've got a good view of the street from my post at the cheese and bacon counter. LUCY    [pouty] Jimmy.  Have you EVER known me to gossip? JIMMY    You, Lucy?  I don’t think so. LUCY    Quite a vote of confidence. JIMMY    I didn’t mean that-- [sigh] No.  No I've never known you to gossip. LUCY    Let me in, then!  Perhaps there's something I can do to help? MUSIC   SCENE 9.    PUB SCARRICK    It was quite marvelous!  And we sold out of that blasted Halva. MAN    It looked crowded, but they were actually buying? SCARRICK     They bought and bought - some came back three or four times, just to have an excuse to linger.  BOY    "Oh, I forgot" and "silly me, one more thing." SCARRICK    Exactly.  Even those women whose purchases were of "modest proportions" dawdled over them as though they had, uh-- MAN    Brutal, drunken husbands to go home to? SCARRICK    [chuckles] I've even had to take on a couple of extra assistants for tomorrow. MUSIC   SCENE 10.    SCARRICK'S STORE - BUSY MISS FRITTEN    What do you think?  Is this bowl anything like the one the young gentleman carries? MRS. GREYES    Nonsense.  His is brass.  Or bronze, perhaps.  That one is copper. MISS FRITTEN    Still, it's got a lovely patina. MRS GORDON    Ducks? SCARRICK    [distracted] Pardon? MRS GORDON    Ducks?  I found a lovely recipe for Bombay duck, and I was wondering if a domestic duck would suffice. SCARRICK    I suspect that ducks are much the same the world over-- [small gasp] SOUND    DOOR OPENS, BELL GENERAL EXPECTANT HUSH SCARRICK    You'll excuse me. SOUND    BOY'S FOOTSTEPS, SCARRICK MEETS HIM MRS GORDON    oh! SCARRICK    Sir?  BOY    Yes? SCARRICK    [overtly confidential]  I must warn you-- SOUND    [gasps] SCARRICK    [as if saying something else] We have run out of quail seed. BOY    [shocked and disappointed] Oh.  I should-- I must-- MRS GORDON    Oh no! SOUND    SCUTTLING FEET JIMMY    [excited]  We do have some much finer oranges today, if you want to step over here. BOY    [dramatic gasp] SOUND    BOY RUNS SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN, BELL SOUND    OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS MRS. GORDON     [voice over] I found my self sub-consciously repeating "The Assyrian came down like a wolf on the fold" under my breath. MISS FRITTEN    [whispered] Watch the door! SCARRICK    [very tense]  Ah.  Coffee again today sir?  Perhaps figs? MAN    I am looking for-- LUCY    [in disguise, foreign sounding]  Jaffa oranges, I think. MAN    What? MRS GREYES    [voiceover] She slithered out of the aisle like the lady in the lake. LUCY    Your Excellency does his shopping himself? MAN    [suspicious] I order the things myself.  I find it difficult to make my servants understand. MISS FRITTEN    [voiceover]  How ever did we miss a mysterious veiled lady, right in the midst of us all? LUCY    I was saying... They have some excellent Jaffa oranges here.  [tinkling laugh] SOUND    HER FEET TAP AWAY TO THE DOOR, BELL MAN    [considering] Hmph.  MRS. GORDON    [gasp] MAN    You! SCARRICK    [tense] Yes? MAN    You have, perhaps, some good Jaffa oranges? GLORIA    [voiceover] Everyone expected an instant denial on the part of Mr. Scarrick of any such possession, but before he could answer‑‑ BOY    No! SOUND    RUNNING FEET, DOOR, BELL MISS FRITTEN    [voiceover] Holding his empty brass bowl before him as he dashed into the street. His face was masked with studied indifference SOUND    THE VOICEOVERS START TO FADE INTO TEA   SCENE 11.    TEA MRS GREYES    Overspread with ghastly pallor! MRS. LIPPING    I would call it blazing with defiance. GLORIA    How defiant could he be!  He was so terrified that his teeth chattered! MRS. GORDON    I distinctly heard him whistling the Persian National anthem. MISS FRITTEN    But the bearded man - his face was a mask of abject terror! MRS GREYES    I thought he would dash out after the boy, but he just paced to and fro like a caged animal seeking an outlet for escape. GLORIA    He couldn't take his eyes off the door. MRS GORDON    Did he ever come back for his purchases?  Or send his servant? MISS FRITTEN    I've not had the nerve to ask Mr. Scarrick.  The whole thing was so ...  overwhelming. MUSIC   SCENE 12.    SCARRICK'S STORE LUCY    It was so overwhelming.  Trying not to laugh while watching all their faces. JIMMY    [chuckles] You did a fabulous job. LUCY    You like me in a veil? JIMMY    I can think of a certain veil I'd like to see you in. LUCY    [interested, pleased] Really? JIMMY    Mm-hmm  [yes] SOUND    KISS MUSIC   SCENE 13.    PUB SCARRICK    I can never thank you fellows enough. MAN    We enjoyed the fun of it.  [laughs, then  talks like beard]  And the figs. BOY    It was a welcome vacation from posing for hours for 'The Lost Hylas' MAN    You just have to sit still.  I'm the one who has to make you look good. SCARRICK    What do I owe you? MAN    No, no.  It was far too entertaining.  BOY    We did get all those lovely pomegranates. SCARRICK    At any rate... I insist on paying for the hire of the black beard.   THE END  

From Black Cat Magazine in 1889 What could be better than clockwork staff who don't eat, complain, or revolt?  So, the programming's a little... off....

From our Edwardian Entertainments collection, just in time for the winter holidays. The Water Ghost of Harrowby Hall A hereditary curse appears in a torrent of water every Christmas to the current heir.  How to stop this perennial wet blanket? By John Kendrick Bangs, adapted by Julie Hoverson Sound produced by Scott Pigg Cast: The GHOST - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Edward - Gareth Bowley Leslie - Tansy Undercrypt Father - John Lingard Mother - Jennifer Dixon The American - Julie Hoverson **************************************************** THE WATER GHOST OF HARROWBY HALL Adapted by Julie Hoverson from the story by John Kendrick Bangs [published in 1894] Cast: The GHOST EDWARD Oglethorpe, the Young Master LESLIE Widdrington, The Secretary HENRY Oglethorpe, the father LYDIA Oglethorpe, the mother Christina, vapid American debutante   MUSIC - CHRISTMAS   SCENE 1.    BALLROOM SOUND    FAIRLY SEDATE PARTY CHRISTINA    [american] I'm terribly charmed to meet you!  I've never danced with a Lord before.  Makes me feel like a lady. EDWARD    [chuckles]  You're lucky I'm also a gentleman - not every lord can claim that. CHRISTINA    Oh, you! EDWARD    You're in London with friends? CHRISTINA    I'm a guest of the Harrisons.  Daddy thought a trip to England would be nice polish.  He's very impressed by nobilities. EDWARD    I'm sure. SOUND    CLOCK STARTS TO STRIKE TWELVE CHRISTINA    Goodness, your parties go late over here.  I'm afraid you must think I'm terribly provincial. EDWARD    Oh no.  Never. SOUND    CLOCK FINISHES, SUDDEN DELUGE OF WATER, COVERS EVERYTHING. CHRISTINA    [screaming!]  My dress!  Oh no! SOUND    OTHER PEOPLE PROTESTING, RUNNING AWAY EDWARD    [calm but shouting] Just clear out, everyone, please! SOUND    DOORS SLAM, NO MORE RUNNING GHOST    Oglethorpe. EDWARD    [sigh]  Yes. MUSIC   SCENE 2.    BALLROOM, DRIPPING WET SOUND    KNOCK ON THE DOOR LESLIE    Hello? SOUND    WATER STILL DRIPPING ALL OVER EDWARD    [glum] It's all over but the blotting.  Safe to come in. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, WOMAN WALKS IN LESLIE    Oh, my. EDWARD    [resigned] I'll take care of any repairs.  LESLIE    Towel?  I also brought you a robe, but we haven't even been properly introduced yet. EDWARD    Henry Oglethorpe.  [sigh]  Baron Harrowby, I suspect. LESLIE    Leslie Widdrington.  Poor relation. EDWARD    [chuckles, but not really amused] Huh.  I've just come into a great deal of money. LESLIE    How's that? EDWARD    My father must have died, or this would have happened to him.  LESLIE    Ah.  [sympathetical understanding] Ancestral curse? EDWARD    You're curiously sanguine about it. LESLIE    [flippant] It's not my ballroom.  Come along, let's get you out of this damp.  Perhaps a hot bath would be in order? MUSIC   SCENE 3.    CASTLE LESLIE    [reading] "The trouble with Harrowby Hall is that it was haunted.  What was worse, the ghost did not content itself with merely appearing at the bedside of the afflicted person who saw it, but persisted in remaining there for one mortal hour before it would disappear." EDWARD    My father had a flowery turn of phrase. LESLIE    A style the suits the classic ghost story.  You're quite sure you don't mind? EDWARD    I need to confide in someone, and he's already written it all down.  But you can skip past the part about it appearing only for an hour every Christmas at midnight.  I think we've established that. LESLIE    You're lucky you didn't catch pneumonia. EDWARD    I'm still undecided.  [coughs, but not seriously]  At least one good thing came from the deluge. LESLIE    Oh? EDWARD    I needed a secretary. LESLIE    I suppose it pays to be intrepid, then.  SOUND    PAGES FLIP LESLIE    Ah.  [start here?] "The owners of Harrowby Hall had done their utmost--?"   EDWARD    Sounds good. LESLIE    "--their utmost to rid themselves of the damp and dewy lady who rose up out of the best bedroom floor at midnight, but without avail.  They had tried stopping the clock, so that the ghost would not know when it was midnight; but she made her appearance just the same, with that fearful miasmatic personality of hers, and there she would stand until everything about her was thoroughly saturated." EDWARD    We've done absolutely everything.  Or tried to.  My own grandfather caulked up every crack in the floor, covered it with tarpaper - every conceivable kind of waterproofing was put into effect.  And yet-- LESLIE    But you weren't even in the tower room. EDWARD    [sigh] It's all in the manuscript. LESLIE    At least it will be another year until she makes an appearance. EDWARD    There is a great deal to be said for predictability. LESLIE    [reading dramatically] "The following Christmas eve she appeared as promptly as before, and frightened the occupant of the room--" EDWARD    That wasn't even one of my forefathers.  Just an unfortunate guest.  LESLIE    "Frightened him quite out of his senses by sitting down alongside of him and gazing with her cavernous blue eyes into his; and her long, aqueously bony fingers were entwined with bits of dripping seaweed - these ends she drew across his forehead until he became like one insane. EDWARD    I believe he never recovered from the shock, or the damp, or perhaps the cold, and died several years later of pneumonia and nervous prostration. LESLIE    Then comes a year they chose not to open the room at all. EDWARD    "Let her haunt the room - she'll not haunt me!"  Father railed, or so I have been told. LESLIE    Didn't work, though, did it? EDWARD    [sigh]  No.  Apparently the room is only the primary target.  If there is no one present to receive her, the current lord will always have a visitor.  LESLIE    Thus the monsoon in the ballroom? EDWARD    [rueful]  Father didn't even tell me he was doing poorly.  [snappy again] A little warning would have been ... convenient.  I could have spent the night in the desert. LESLIE    What do you plan to do? EDWARD    Foil her. LESLIE    How? EDWARD    That I do not quite know... yet.  I need to go over father's manuscript with a fine tooth comb for any possible clues.  Anything can be overcome with the application of a modicum of logic. LESLIE    Well, then.  Shall we get back to it? EDWARD    Go back to the year father tried to simply ignore the ghost.  It seems she first appeared in the tower room, for the parlor below had a great damp spot on the ceiling.  But she didn't stay there. LESLIE    [reading]  "She found me in my own cozy room drinking whiskey," undiluted, he notes, "and felicitating myself upon having foiled her ghostship, when all of a sudden the curl went out of my hair, the whiskey bottle filled and overflowed, and I found myself in a condition similar to that of a man who has fallen into a water-butt." [chuckles] EDWARD    Father always did have a turn of phrase.  And a fondness for water-butts.  [dramatic] And there she stood.  The lady of the cavernous eyes and seaweed fingers. LESLIE    "The sight was so unexpected and so terrifying that I fainted, but immediately came to, as the vast amount of chill water trickling down over my face restored my consciousness." EDWARD    I like a good shower bath as much as the next person, but I do prefer it on the tropical side of tepid.  LESLIE    [teasing] Hush.  EDWARD    My father was a brave man, and not to be daunted.  Forced to face the ghost, he determined to discover some particulars. LESLIE    "In an effort to warm myself, I approached the hearth, an unfortunate move as it turned out, because it brought the ghost directly over the fire, which immediately was extinguished." EDWARD    So he faced her with all the bravado he could muster. LESLIE    Sounds like he was chock a block with bravado.  At least the way he wrote it. EDWARD    Let us hope it runs in the family. LESLIE    [leading into flashback] He faced the ghost... MUSIC SEGUE INTO FLASHBACK SOUND    WATER DRIPPING and TRICKLING HENRY    Far be it from me to be impolite to a woman, madam, but I'm hanged if it wouldn't please me better if you'd stop these infernal visits of yours to this house.  Go sit out on the lake, if you like that sort of thing; soak the water-butt, if you wish; but do not, I implore you, come into a gentleman's house and saturate him and his possessions in this way.  It is damned disagreeable. GHOST    Henry Hartwick Oglethorpe.  That is a bit of specious nonsense.  You must know that I am compelled to haunt this place year after year by inexorable fate.  I never aspired to be a shower-bath, but it is my doom.  Do you know who I am? HENRY    No, I do not. I should say you were the Lady of the Lake, or Little Sallie Waters. GHOST    You are a witty man for your years. HENRY    Well, my humor is drier than yours ever will be. GHOST    No doubt - I am never dry.  I am the Water Ghost of Harrowby Hall, and dryness is a quality entirely beyond my wildest hope.  I have been the incumbent of this highly unpleasant office for two hundred years tonight. HENRY    How the deuce did you ever come to get elected? GHOST    [matter of fact]  Suicide.  I am the ghost of that fair maiden whose picture hangs over the mantelpiece in the drawing room. LESLIE    [v.o.] That lovely early Georgian piece?  Or do I mean Jacobean? EDWARD    [v.o.] Take down a memorandum - draw a mustache on her at the earliest opportunity. GHOST    Had I lived, I should have been your great-great-great-great-great-aunt. HENRY    But what induced you to get this house into such a predicament? GHOST    It was my father's fault.  It was he who built Harrowby Hall, and the haunted chamber was to have been mine.  My father had it furnished in pink and yellow, knowing well that blue and gray formed the only combination of colours I could tolerate. HENRY    And...? GHOST     He did it merely to spite me, and I declined to live in the room.  Whereupon father said I could live there or on the lawn, he didn't care which.  That night I ran from the house and jumped over the cliff into the sea. EDWARD    [v.o.] That was rash. LESLIE    [v.o.] Dying over pink and yellow?  I should say so.  Green and orange, perhaps. EDWARD    [v.o.] But only if one is Irish. GHOST    Had I but known the consequences, I should not have jumped. HENRY    A bit late for hindsight.  GHOST    I had been drowned a week when I was informed it would be my doom to haunt Harrowby Hall.   LESLIE    [v.o.] Informed?  Informed by whom?  EDWARD    [v.o.] Hmm.  Never considered it.  The local union of apparations, phantoms and sundry visitations? HENRY    I'll sell the place. EDWARD    [v.o.] Sound thinking. GHOST    That you cannot do, for it is also required of me that I shall appear to any purchaser, and divulge to him the awful secret of the house. LESLIE    [v.o.] Snap!  HENRY    Do you mean to tell me that on every Christmas eve you are going to haunt me wherever I may be, ruining my whiskey and extinguishing my fire?  And soaking me through to the skin? GHOST    You have stated the case clearly, Oglethorpe.  And what is more - it doesn't make the slightest difference where you are.  If I find that room empty, wherever you may be I shall douse you with my spectral pres-- SOUND    CLOCK STRIKES ONE LESLIE    [v.o.] "Here the clock struck one, and immediately the apparition faded away. It was perhaps more of a trickle than a fade, but as a disappearance it was complete" HENRY    By St. George and his Dragon!  It is guineas to hot-cross buns that next Christmas there'll be an occupant of that room, or I shall spend the night in a bathtub! EDWARD    [v.o. fading to normal]  He would have lost that bet.  That was last year, and this year, he passed away just in time to avoid the deluge. LESLIE    And you didn't know, and we are now caught up to the present. EDWARD    [sigh] But for the bill for the ballroom.   MUSIC   SCENE 4.    TEA LYDIA    So glad you could accommodate me for tea, Edward.  I've not returned to society yet, and I'm getting sick to the teeth of a house covered in black crepe. EDWARD    Ah. LYDIA    Your father positively loathed black. EDWARD    Ah. LYDIA    And I loathe crepe.  I've developed quite a mental aversion to it.  I don't supposed a doctor could furnish me with some sort of prescription? EDWARD    I doubt it.  Mourning is mourning, mother.  And you are hardly the only one inconvenienced by father's untimely demise. LYDIA    [slightly amused] Ah, yes I heard. EDWARD    You might have sent a wire or something.  LYDIA    I was rather preoccupied.  So, now that you are the Baron, am I to expect the pitter-patter of little feet in the great hall any time soon? EDWARD    I could get you some corgis. LYDIA    Hush.  You know very well what I mean!  It is your responsibility to produce an heir and a spare, particularly now that you are effectively the last of the line. EDWARD    Hmm...  [chuckle] It would be funny to find out who gets haunted, should I die early. LYDIA    I should say not! EDWARD    Anyway, after my very public unmasking as the bearer of an ancestral curse, there's hardly a family worth knowing that would want me as a graft to the family tree. LYDIA    There's always some rich American.  they'll even pay extra for such a heritage! EDWARD    [laughing ruefully] While an American won't bat an eye at a spectre or two, true - threaten them with a waterlogged poiret [pwah-RAY] or patou [pah-TOO], and they flee in panic, clutching their pocketbooks. LYDIA    OH.  Yes, I see. EDWARD    So I'm down to shop assistants and ladies who speak no English. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, LESLIE ENTERS BRISKLY LESLIE    Here's your correspondence for the day-- oh.  I'm so dreadfully sorry.  I wasn't aware -- I don't have any engagements on your calendar for this afternoon. EDWARD    Miss Widdrington, may I present my mother, the Dowager Baroness of Harrowby.  Mother, my new secretary.  LYDIA    [a bit snotty] Charmed. LESLIE    [overly subservient, almost goofy] I'll be in the study, then, sir, should you need me.  If I may excuse myself? EDWARD    [equally over the top] Dismissed. SOUND    LESLIE LEAVES LYDIA    Who is she? EDWARD    My secretary. LYDIA    Widdrington.  Widdrington.  Any relation to the Haversham Widdringtons? EDWARD    [offhanded] Poor relation.  Quite destitute. LYDIA    [musing] Still.  She's got a good back.  Does she ride? MUSIC   SCENE 5.    STUDY SOUND    DOOR OPENS LESLIE    So sorry about that-- EDWARD    You couldn't have known. LESLIE    It's dreadfully easy to fall into old habits. EDWARD    Old? LESLIE    I wasn't always "how you see me now."  Impoverished.  I was polished at the finest schools, only to find that the family coffer had been tapped out to pay death duties and father's debts.  And that, as they say, was that. EDWARD    At least you're not bitter. LESLIE    Oh you should have heard me a year ago.  I would have blistered a sailor's ears. EDWARD    And now? LESLIE    [pleased] Now, I am employed.  EDWARD    And you don't mind? LESLIE    Well I'm also intrigued by your dilemma - most particularly because it's not my own. EDWARD    [laughs]   LESLIE    But today's problem is your social calander. EDWARD    oh?  More cancellations? LESLIE    Every dinner party, every engagement for the opera, every ball. EDWARD    Everything that might possibly involve late nights, in other words. LESLIE    Precisely.  But there are still afternoon teas, ascot, and a tentative engagement for croquet. EDWARD    [sulky] Suddenly I'm an elderly uncle. MUSIC - CHRISTMAS   SCENE 6.    NEXT YEAR SOUND    DRIPPING SOUND    STEAM HISS SOUND    DOOR OPENS LESLIE    Time? EDWARD    [sigh]  Yes. SOUND    HUGE SWOOSH OF WATER EDWARD    [disgusted sigh] LESLIE    I brought some heated towels. EDWARD    I am par-broiled.  I'll need more than towels! MUSIC   SCENE 7.    STUDY SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FABRIC RUBS LESLIE    Check off steam pipes. EDWARD    Yes.  Just turned her from cold water to hot.  The Turkish baths for the past month seem to have helped a bit, but on the whole, it was‑‑ [searching for the right word] LESLIE    [teasing] A washout? EDWARD    Oh, please don’t. LESLIE    [apologetic] Sorry.  I thought that since steam-pipes could lie hundreds of feet deep in water, and still retain sufficient heat to drive the water away in vapor, they might‑‑ EDWARD    [cutting her off] It was a good sight better than any of my ideas.   Trying to evaporate the ghost into steam. LESLIE    Now you have a year to plan.  Again. EDWARD    I don't know.  I doubt my health can take another such night.  And the room is destroyed.  Again.  Anything not simply soaked through has been cracked and warped to an extent that I've no doubt it will break me to repair. LESLIE    Heat can do terrible things.  Tea. SOUND    POURS EDWARD    [sips]  Worst of all, as the last drop of the water ghost was slowly sizzling itself out on the floor, she whispered that this scheme would avail me nothing, because-- GHOST    There is always water in great plenty where I come from, and next year will find me rehabilitated and as exasperatingly saturating as ever. EDWARD    She will always be wet.  So I must somehow be dry... MUSIC   SCENE 8.    CASTLE SOUND    TEA SOUND    CONSTRUCTION [OFF] MOTHER    Must they be so loud? EDWARD    At least I can tell they're working.  MOTHER    So it happened again? EDWARD    You can't be surprised.  You had to go through it, didn't you?  With father? MOTHER    Oh, no.  No, I didn't even know about it for quite years. EDWARD    How the devil? MOTHER    Language. EDWARD    I'll devil as I please, until I get what I want. MOTHER    When your father inherited the title - after his father died of pneumonia, as I recall. EDWARD    [sarcasm] Imagine. MOTHER    Hush.  It was in the spring, and Henry somehow managed to pick a dreadful quarrel with me - something that sent me flying home to mother for the holidays. EDWARD    Truly?  That was clever. MOTHER    And I believe there was a year where he had to take a business trip. EDWARD    to the tropics, by any chance? MOTHER    May very well have been.  I believe I spent the holidays with my sister, in town. EDWARD    And he kept this up for years and years? MOTHER    Well you were away at school for much of this.  EDWARD    No wonder he never had me home for the winter holidays.  I was rather bereft at the time. MOTHER    We sent presents. EDWARD    Much appreciated, but-- MOTHER    So - what are you doing about this? EDWARD    I tried steam pipes.  SOUND    CRASH EDWARD    That's what they are engaged in repairing upstairs at the moment, and-- MOTHER    Not that!  What are you doing about providing me with a brace of grandchildren to brighten my declining years? EDWARD    Oh, that.  [sigh] MUSIC     SCENE 9.    STUDY SOUND    TEARING PAPER - letter opening. LESLIE    Hmm.  Catalog of some sort?  [gasp, the laughing a bit]  oh-ho. SOUND    DOOR OPENS EDWARD    What's the joke? LESLIE    [arch] A catalog of gentlemen's garments? EDWARD    Hmm? LESLIE    In the finest quality india rubber? EDWARD    Oh that!  Uhhhhh... It's not what you-- LESLIE    I would assume they're for waterproofing, except that many of them seem to be ... excised in certain locations. EDWARD    Skip to the back.  They assured me there would be more... complete... units. SOUND    PAGES FLIP LESLIE    Ah.  So you're thinking--? EDWARD    If I can't keep the room dry, at least I might be able to keep my person insulated. LESLIE    If you were to wear one of these over something in wool, perhaps? EDWARD    Mm.  I would start to look like a child in swaddling. LESLIE    Better swaddled than soaked. EDWARD    True. LESLIE    And it would be warm, even if wet.  EDWARD    Wouldn't want to get cold.  I might -- [idea]  oh! LESLIE    Oh? EDWARD    I've got it! LESLIE    Do tell? EDWARD    Order me one of those - a size bigger than my suits, and in their thickest rubber.  Then another two sizes larger. LESLIE    Why? EDWARD    I'll let you guess.  I must go and consult a furrier. MUSIC   SCENE 10.    MONTAGE - PHONE CALLS LESLIE    That sounds like it will precisely fill the bill.  And everything is reinforced with asbestos?  Very good. EDWARD    You have the address to ship to?  Excellent.  I realize it will take a prodigious amount of power to maintain.  If necessary, I shall buy the power company!   LESLIE    Woolens.  Two sizes larger than I had originally inquired.  Yes - the warmest you have.  Oh, no, he likes it thick. EDWARD    No, no, the first set was quite satisfactory.  [annoyed] Please place my order and refrain from further comment on my proclivities! MUSIC   SCENE 11.    DRESSING ROOM SOUND    CHRISTMAS CAROLS PLAY LIGHTLY IN THE BACKGROUND SOUNDS    RUBBERY SQUEAKS AND RUSTLES AS SHE DRESSES HIM. EDWARD    I've come to hate that music. LESLIE    This may be the last time it calls to mind such misfortunes.  I've stitched the wool together at the waist.  Too bad your valet can be no help. EDWARD    He demanded this week off.  No wish to be anywhere in the entire country when the ghost arrives. LESLIE    Some people simply do not pay attention.  The ghost only makes a bother in a given vicinity for a given time. EDWARD    Logic has nothing to do with superstitious fear.  Let's see if the second rubber suit will go on. LESLIE    I've brought talc. EDWARD    You plan for everything, don't you? LESLIE    That's why you keep me around, though I must say you are the master planner here.  Fur, then rubber, then wool, and rubber again - she shan't be able to get a drop of her icy dampness near you! EDWARD    No, indeed.  Have you noticed, is it still snowing? LESLIE    There are great drifts on the windward side of the house, though the wind has died away. EDWARD    Excellent. LESLIE    When this is all over, you can focus on finding yourself a bride and satisfying your poor mother. EDWARD    [musing] Yes. LESLIE    Now the diving helmet.  SOUND    LARGE METAL PICKED UP MUSIC   SCENE 12.    MUD ROOM / PORCH SOUND    DOOR OPENS, HEAVY SQUEAKY RUBBER NOISES ENTER SOUND    CLOCK CHIMES TWELVE, DOOR SHUT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT SOUND    CAREFULLY SITTING DOWN EDWARD    [slightly canned throughout - in his diving helmet] Oh... that's a bit tight. SOUND    SQUEAK AS HE ADJUSTS EDWARD    [hums a bit] SOUND    BANGING OF DOORS, WIND, SPLASH EDWARD    Right on time. GHOST    Greetings.  You must know you cannot avoid me by hiding here in - in - what is this room, anyway? EDWARD    It is called a mud room, and I'm not hiding.  In fact, I'm glad to see you. GHOST    You are the most original man I've met, if that is true.  And what an odd hat! EDWARD    It is a little portable observatory I had made for just such engagements as this. SOUND    CLUNK ON HELMET EDWARD    Is it true that you are doomed to follow me for one mortal hour -- to stand where I stand, to sit where I sit? GHOST    That is my detestable fate. EDWARD    Let's go for a walk, then. GHOST    You cannot get rid of me that way!  My water does not wear out with movement of any sort.  I will merely damage more of your home. EDWARD    Then we will not walk through the house.  Come along. SOUND    SQUEAKING, FOOTSTEPS SOUND    DRIPPING SQUISHES FOLLOW SOUND    DOOR OPENS, SNOWSTORM, FEET INTO SNOW   SCENE 13.    OUTSIDE SOUND    XMAS MUSIC NEARBY FROM INSIDE GHOST    But, my dear sir!  It is fearfully cold out there!  You shall be frozen hard before you've been out ten minutes. EDWARD    Not I!  I am very warmly dressed. Come along! SOUND    SNOWSTORM GETS LOUDER TO SHOW TIME SOUND    MUSIC IS FARTHER AWAY GHOST    Oh sir!  You walk too slowly!  I am nearly frozen. EDWARD    Is that so.  Hmm. GHOST    My knees are so stiff now I can hardly move. I beseech you to accelerate your step. EDWARD    I should like to oblige a lady, but my clothes are rather heavy, and a hundred yards an hour is about my top speed. Indeed, I think we would better sit down here on this snowdrift and talk matters over. GHOST    Do not! Do not do so, I beg!  Let us move along.  I feel myself growing rigid as it is. If we stop here, I shall be frozen stiff. EDWARD    [chuckles] That, madam, is precisely why I have brought you here. We have been on this spot just ten minutes; we have fifty more before your hour ends. Take your time about it, madam, but freeze, that is all I ask of you. GHOST    I cannot move my right leg now!  And my overskirt is a solid sheet of ice. Oh, good, kind Mr. Oglethorpe, light a fire, and let me go free from these icy fetters. EDWARD    Never, madam. I have you at last, and I plan to keep you! GHOST    Alas!  Help me, I beg. I congeal! EDWARD    Congeal, madam, congeal!  You have drenched me and mine for over two hundred years, madam. Tonight you have had your last drench. GHOST    Ah, but I shall thaw out again, and then you'll see. Instead of the comfortably tepid, genial ghost I have been in my past, sir, I shall be iced water! EDWARD    No, you won't, either!  For when you are frozen quite stiff, I shall send you to a cold-storage warehouse, and there you shall remain an icy work of art forever more. GHOST    But warehouses burn. EDWARD    So they do, but this warehouse cannot burn.  It is made of asbestos and surrounding it are fireproof walls. GHOST    For the last time let me beseech you. I would go on my knees to you, Oglethorpe, were they not already frozen. [freezing up] I beg of you do not doom me-- SOUND    DISTANT CLOCK STRIKES ONE SOUND    CRACKLE OF ICE SOUND    WIND RISES EDWARD    I do feel for you, miss.  But I feel for myself more. MUSIC   SCENE 14.    STUDY SOUND    PHONE HUNG UP LESLIE    Delivery was made, and all is well.  The room has been sealed, and that, as they say, is that. EDWARD    I'm almost at a loss. LESLIE    What?  Why? EDWARD    If you have an obstacle for such a long time, then it is gone, what can be left? LESLIE    Your mother still wishes for grandchildren. EDWARD    Now that "all good families" will have me over again? LESLIE    You are now not only rich and titled and eligible, you are also known to have single-handedly defeated an ancestral ghost.  You are quite the talk of the town.  Parents will be lining up to introduce their marriageable daughters to you. EDWARD    I think I can save them the trouble. LESLIE    What do you mean? EDWARD    There is something very alluring about a person who will stand by you through thick and thin. LESLIE    [oblivious] You're still upset that they wouldn't have anything to do with you while you were haunted? EDWARD    I shan't pay any mind to what they did.  Just what you did. LESLIE    Pardon? EDWARD    [teasing] Are you not interested in being the mistress of Harrowby Hall?  There is an opening in that position. LESLIE    [startled] Me?  Marry you? EDWARD    If not you, my next best option is to thaw out the ghost and make an honest woman of her.  I'm reasonably certain we're far enough removed that it would be legal. LESLIE    You're quite serious?  About me, not her. EDWARD    Of course.  About you, not her. LESLIE    Of course! CLOSER END  

Rigging a card game is tricky, but rigging someone's thoughts?

Sometimes an advance takes a long long time...

Tim might expect to see corpses, working graveyard in the morgue, but never expected one that could talk...   Cast List Timothy Grant - Jasper Loovis Bedelia Crane - Emmatrice Devan Gordy - George Dunn Darcy - Megan Lane Halston - Gene Thorkildsen Sophia - Julie Hoverson Mr. Summerfield - Bryan Hendrickson Male Body - Reynaud LeBoeuf Security Guard - Sky Iolta Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a morgue - can't you tell?"   ********************************************************* DRAWER 23 Cast: Olivia, host Timothy Grant (M20s), temp. night shift at morgue Sophia (F30s), who Tim is replacing Gordy (M20s), the go-to guy Darcy (F20s), med student Halston (M40s), swing shift attendant Bedelia Crane (F40-ish), ghost, southern belle from the 1920s MALE BODY - Bedelia, but with a man's voice Summerfield (M50s), tough boss Security guard (any) OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a morgue, can't you tell? MUSIC   SCENE 1.    MORGUE, NIGHT SOUND    WHOOSH OF HYDRAULIC DOORS OPENING SOPHIA    And THIS-- TIM    --Got it.  I watch CSI. SOPHIA    On this shift, you won't usually have to deal with the - well, everyday ins and outs, but there are times when somebody has to get in here right away, so you need to know the check-in procedures. TIM    Oh, sure.  SOPHIA    Is this your first time dealing with cadavers? TIM    Mm, yeah, but I-- SOPHIA    Try not to faint when you smell them.  The cold helps, but I have some mentholatum if you need it-- TIM    Oh, yeah, I saw Silence of the Lambs. SOPHIA    [sigh, then muttered]  And you plan to be a doctor...? TIM    Hmm? SOPHIA    If you, or anyone else, does faint, and sustains any appreciable injury, you must fill out a form 5-C-H dash 2-1-7 dash 62. TIM    There's a form for it? SOPHIA    There's insurance for it.  Did you ever see Quincy? TIM    Quincy Jones? SOPHIA    [Sigh] A television show.  In the opening credits - never mind.  SOUND    DOOR OPENS SOPHIA    There are 30 drawers.  You always fill the top row first, followed by the next down, and the floor level ones last of all. TIM    30?  I never thought that Cumberland Pass would-- SOPHIA    We really don't.  I've only seen all the drawers filled once - after that really bad fire.  Well, all the drawers but one. TIM    [waits, then] One? SOPHIA    [sighs, somewhat embarrassed]  This one.  Twenty-three.  It's... tsk... It's supposed to be haunted. TIM    I guess it's the right place for a-- SOPHIA    I don't really believe it, but everybody else does.  No one will put a body in that drawer.  And me, I figure - why take a chance? TIM    I-- I'm not getting it.  So there's a ghost and you don't want to put a body in the drawer why...?  Because it'll get scared? SOPHIA    For 12 years, I have not seen anything to be scared of.  I haven't heard anything but stories.  TIM    [eager] Tell me! SOPHIA    Timothy, most people find working third shift hard enough without having ghost stories to freak out over.  Just do the three months and when I get back, I promise you I will tell you everything I know. TIM    What if you decide not to come back? SOPHIA    Oh, please!  Once this munchkin arrives, I'll be desperate to get back to my wonderful peaceful nights here.  Dale swears up and down she's ready to lose sleep for the both of us. TIM    Kids take a lot of time. SOPHIA    [teasing] Don't get your hopes up - they take a lot of cash too, and I'm not about to give up my health benefits. MUSIC   SCENE 2.    CAFETERIA GORDY    [coming on]  Hey pal!  I heard you got graveyard shift in the land of the dead! TIM    Yeah, Sophia's been showing me the ropes.  Seems easy.  Clean this, lock that, don't take pictures of dead celebrities, make sure no one gets in without proper authorization. GORDY    Did she tell you about the ghosts? TIM    More than one?  I mean, she mentioned [snickers] a haunted drawer in the cool room, but-- GORDY    Hmm.  Never heard THAT one, but there are supposed to be a bunch of-- DARCY    [coming on]  This seat taken?  [sits without waiting]  Hey, Tim!  [less enthused] Gordy. GORDY    The lovely Lady Darcy.  TIM    Hey Darce.  GORDY    Deigning to sit among the common folk?  What will the world come to? TIM    Gordy was just telling me-- GORDY    Warning you.  About the ghosts.  In the morgue. DARCY    That's ridiculous.  GORDY    Huh?  And I suppose you know everything about-- DARCY    I don't know anything about the morgue, but I do have a smattering of supernatural lore‑‑ GORDY    I suppose someone's got to watch Ghosthunters. DARCY    AND it is absolutely accepted common belief that a ghost haunts the place it DIED, not the place its body went later.  TIM    Maybe someone ... died in the morgue. [shudder] GORDY    "Accepted common belief"?  That's about as nebulous as "according to statistics." DARCY    The O.R., now.  Or the Burn Ward.  That's where you'd find ghosts. MUSIC   SCENE 3.    MORGUE, NIGHT SOUND    HYDRAULIC DOOR OPENS TIM    Hello?  Hello?  Hello? HALSTON    [off]  Just a moment! SOUND    HYDRAULIC DOOR CLOSES SOUND    PAPERS RUSTLE TIM    [muttering to self]  Checklist, check.  Clipboard - no scheduled arrivals, check. HALSTON    [coming on]  Yeah?  TIM    I'm Timothy Grant-- HALSTON    Oh, yeah.  Soph's gone off to spawn? TIM    She went into labor this morning, so I get to start early-- HALSTON    Don't worry.  Piece of cake job.  Could be done by a monkey, only monkeys won't work for this pay. TIM    [chuckles]  Seems fine to me. HALSTON    Yeah, well, you don't have the monkeys' union.  You need anything before I take off?  Any last questions? TIM    I don't think so - Sophia left me a pretty comprehensive set of notes. HALSTON    Not surprising - she's so damn organized, that kid won't stand a chance.  Well, don't you go slacking off and make her clean up your messes when she gets back.  It'll be bad enough when all the construction starts, [shrugs] but she's always happiest telling people what to do. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS START TO LEAVE, DOOR OPENS TIM    Oh, I did-- HALSTON    [pause] What? TIM    Oh, [embarrassed] someone was telling me about a... well, a ghost.  In one of the body drawers. HALSTON    And? TIM    What do you think?  I'm dying of curiosity.  HALSTON    You ain't the ghoulish type, are you Tim? TIM    I - I don't think so. HALSTON    [thinks, then sighs]  The guy who used to do nights, before Sophia took over, swore that there was ghost in drawer 23.  He said the guy before him told him about it, but that no one really knew any details, like who or what it was, just that-- TIM    Yes? HALSTON    Shit.  This is just one of those "you can't win" things.  No matter what I say now, chances are you're gonna do something stupid. TIM    Maybe not.  I mean, I'll try-- HALSTON    Just don't blame me.  So Fred - the guy who told me this - Fred said that one night he DID put a body into 23.  And nothing happened. TIM    [deflated]  Oh. HALSTON    Until midnight.  Then the corpse woke up and screamed.  It screamed and scratched at the drawer for just about an hour-- TIM    The witching hour-- HALSTON    Whatever - around one, it just shut off like a light.  TIM    Maybe the poor stiff was still alive!  Why didn't he open the drawer and check? HALSTON    [beat, ominous]  Because the body was already autopsied. MUSIC   SCENE 4.    DAY, SCHOOL SOUND    QUICK FOOTSTEPS IN A TILED HALLWAY TIM    [off mike, slightly out of breath]  Hey!  Darcy? DARCY    Huh?  Tim?  What...? SOUND    FOOTSTEPS APPROACH AND STOP TIM    Hey.  I- um, I wanted to ask-- DARCY    [excited]  Yes? TIM    --about ghosts. DARCY    [deflated]  Oh.  Why? TIM    It's the stories - you know about the ghosts in the morgue.  And you seemed to know a lot.  I mean, about ghosts.  So-- I figured what the heck? DARCY    This is really not the place-- TIM    Step outside?  Just for a moment.  I just got off shift and need some fresh air, anyway.   SCENE 5.    OUTDOORS, CONTINUOUS SOUND    DOOR OPENS.  MORNING NOISES - BIRDS, CARS DARCY    [takes a deep breath]  So.  Ghosts. TIM    Anything you can tell me. DARCY    That's like asking a gearhead about cars.  It covers way too much territory.  You need to be more specific. TIM    How do you ...talk to them? DARCY    Depends.  Some ghosts can't talk.  A lot of them don't even realize they're dead - they say it's the trauma.  They wipe their death right out of their memories, and then get mad because people are ignoring them. TIM    Do you ...need a medium or something? DARCY    Do you need a doctor to know when you have a cold? TIM    What? DARCY    I'm saying that without some detail about your symptoms, you won't know whether to consult an expert. TIM    Oh, Ok. DARCY    I approach ghosts from a theoretical and psychological angle.  TIM    Very scientific. DARCY    So?  Bring me some parameters. MUSIC   SCENE 6.    MORGUE, NIGHT SOUND    BIG DRAWER ROLLS OUT TIM    I wonder if it has to be pushed in? GORDY    [filter, crackly] Dude, you're breaking up - the morgue sucks for reception. TIM    [snicker] A dead zone. GORDY    [filter, crackly] Ha-ha. TIM    So I got this guy...  [muttered, to corpse] Sorry, man.  [to Gordy]  I wonder if it needs to be rolled in? GORDY    [filter, crackly] Did you remember to tie it up? TIM    [resigned] Yes. GORDY    [filter, crackly, fading]  You'll thank me if this is a flesh eating zombie situation. TIM    In, I think. SOUND    DRAWER ROLLS IN TIM    10, 9, 8-- GORDY    [filter, crackly, fading badly] 7--[static] 5-- TIM    4, 3, 2... SOUND    PHONE BEEPS OFF TIM    Crap!  SOUND    MUFFLED SCREAMING ["MALE BODY"] AND BANGING - CONTINUES UNTIL NOTED MALE BODY    [light accent - very southern belle] LET ME OUT! TIM    [almost paralyzed]  Oh, shit!  Oh, shit oh shit oh shit!!! MALE BODY    PLEASE!!!  LET ME OUT!!! SOUND    DIALING PHONE TIM    Gordy, man! SOUND    PHONE BAD CONNECTION SOUND TIM    Shit! MALE BODY    [Screaming incoherently] TIM    [yelling] If I open the drawer, will you shut up? MALE BODY    [suddenly silent, then] Is there someone out there? TIM    Yes.  Just, be calm, OK? MALE BODY    I'll try. SOUND    DRAWER ROLLED OUT TIM    [reacts in fear] MALE BODY    Thank you ever so much!  I was afraid--  I-- Why on earth am I bound?  [clears throat, tries to speak higher pitch] And what in heaven's name has happened to my voice? MALE BODY    I think somehow there is a great deal you are choosing not to tell me. TIM    You're right, but--- this isn't going to be easy.  First, who are you?  Do you remember? MALE BODY    Remember?  Of course.  Bedelia Crane.  Miss Bedelia to my students.  And yourself? TIM    Um, Tim.  Timothy Grant.  MALE BODY    Grant.  Well, there's a name for you. TIM    And -- what year do you think it is? MALE BODY    1932.  Now it's your turn.  Why don't you begin by telling me what it is you are keeping back. MUSIC   SCENE 7.    EMPTY CAFETERIA SOUND    STRAW POPS MILK CARTON GORDY    One advantage of working nights - we have our choice of tables.  TIM    Yup. GORDY    So, do I have to beat it out of you? TIM    What? GORDY    What happened? TIM    Oh.  [lightly] Body came to life, killed me, went off on a rampage. GORDY    Right, and even now, it is heading for the nation's capital, in search of brains. TIM     Wrong direction. GORDY    Well, that's because I was employing sarcasm.  It's a tool of the trade for oncologists. TIM    [beat, shrug] Nothing. GORDY    Nothing? TIM    Nope. GORDY    Well. Guess I better cancel that Ghostbuster stripper I hired.  MUSIC   SCENE 8.    OUTSIDE, DAY SOUND    FOOTSTEPS ON CONCRETE, SECOND SET HURRY UP TIM    Darcy!  Got a minute? DARCY    Hi! [damping her enthusiasm] Tim. TIM    I have some more info on the ghost. DARCY    You're serious? TIM     Oh, yeah.  I talked to her last night.  Asked a bunch of questions - it was weird cause I didn't know she was a SHE, and I'd stuck in a man's body, but-- DARCY    Tim? TIM    Yes? DARCY    You're telling me you spoke to a ghost? TIM    Yes. DARCY    A real live ghost? TIM    Apart from the poor choice of words, yes. DARCY    Are you sure you didn't just fall asleep? TIM    [not too sure] Pretty sure. DARCY    [sigh] I mean, I want to believe you, but - actually speaking to a ghost?  Most people "feel a presence," or notice items have been moved a teensy bit from their previous position, or run into a cold spot.  TIM    Nope.  We just chatted - once I explained how things were, she seemed mostly OK with it.  I guess no one ever just talked with her before. DARCY    [thinks for a moment, then]  You need to video this or something. TIM    Don't you even want to know who she is?  I was kind of hoping you could help me look up her records... [running out of steam] Being in records, and all. DARCY    Oh sure.  Once I see your recording. MUSIC   SCENE 9.    MORGUE, NIGHT SOUND     DRAWER ROLLS OUT TIM    Is this one better? BEDELIA    [delighted]  Oh, much.  I almost feel like myself again.  Though of course, I am not. TIM    You're taking it very well. BEDELIA    I have always prided myself on being a practical woman.  There is no use in shedding tears over what cannot be changed.  [losing confidence] I do, however, worry some little about what's to become of me. TIM    I have some questions for you.  Are you up to answering? BEDELIA    Certainly.  And, Timothy?  Thank you so very much.  For everything.  Particularly for providing me with ... garments.  I know it's ludicrous to be modest with another's-- TIM    No, no.  Perfectly reasonable.  I'm curious‑‑ BEDELIA     Could you help me out first?  I would prefer to hold any such interview in a less horizontal position. SOUND    DRAWER OUT A BIT MORE TIM & BEDELIA    [grunts as he helps her up] SOUND    SEVERAL BARE FOOTSTEPS BEDELIA    [sighs as she sits] Timothy, was this poor girl deformed? TIM    Huh? BEDELIA    I can barely keep my balance and walk with such a monstrous bosom.  Poor, poor child.  TIM    It's--  Um - guys like girls who-- BEDELIA    How times change.  Now in my day - well, my heyday, shall we say - the style was a more delicate, and slender figure.  Athletic.  A girl like this would have cried her eyes out every night and bound herself to kingdom come, trying to achieve a decent flapper slouch. TIM    [shudder] Uhh. BEDELIA    Of, course, I was hardly a flapper - I was a bit old to run with that crowd, [nostalgic] but I spent my share of time in the speaks.  Weekends only, o'course.  It would never do to show up hung at the schoolhouse of a morning. TIM    Can I ask - I mean without offending you - when you were born? BEDELIA    Oh, Timothy.  You are a delight.  I'm dead, child, how can you offend me?  MUSIC   SCENE 10.    MEETING DARCY SOUND    [On RECORDING] OUTSIDE NOISES BEDELIA    [on recording]  I was born in the year 1891, in Rock Creek, Georgia.  I came here in-- SOUND    CLICK - TAPE MACHINE OFF DARCY    [sucks in breath, exasperated noise]  But--  but that could be anyone. TIM    Yeah, I figured you might think that, so here-- SOUND    CLICKING OF COMPUTER KEYS DARCY    [gasp] TIM    Sorry, it's the only way to prove - see the time code - this was 11:50, and then this-- SOUND    CLICKING TIM    Was 1:08.  There.  Before and after shots of the same woman - dead.  Autopsy scars and all. DARCY    Still... TIM    You could come and see for yourself.  You can even choose the body-- DARCY    I -- no.  I mean, I'm in records for a reason.  I don't like ...the smelly parts of medicine. TIM     All right, so-- GORDY    [coming on]  Hey, hey!  Darcy, are you warm in here, or is it just me? DARCY    Is it funny in here, or is it just the way you smell? TIM     Um-- DARCY    I've got to go, Tim.  If I think of anything, I'll let you know. TIM     Um, Ok.  SOUND    CHAIR, FOOTSTEPS LEAVE GORDY    Since the ghost in the drawer was a bust-- TIM    [snort - almost a laugh] GORDY    --I did a little digging in old newspapers and I found you another one. TIM    Really?  In the morgue too? GORDY    Yup.  There was this freshman at the medical school, who for a hazing had to spend the night in the morgue - to make sure he didn't cheat, the frat boys handcuffed him to one of the drawers TIM    Number 23? GORDY    Dude, no one was sober enough to count.  Anyway, so this poor newbie was handcuffed, in his underwear, in the morgue all night, and when they came to let him out-- TIM    [waits, then]  --Yes? GORDY    He was gone. TIM    Oh. GORDY    Wait, wait - He was gone, but his hand was still in the handcuff - he had chewed it off to escape! TIM    That's insane -you can't chew through bone. GORDY    Animals do it. TIM    Animals have teeth made for it.  Humans simply don't have the jaw strength-- GORDY    Dude, it's just a story.  I guess you don't want to hear the best part. TIM    [long sigh, then]  OK, what is it? GORDY    [offhand, not caring] His body was never found. TIM    Mm.  Of course. MUSIC   SCENE 11.    MORGUE, NIGHT SOUND    DRAWER PULLS OUT TIM    Morning. BEDELIA    [chuckle]  Help me out of here, if you please. TIM    Up you come. [grunt] BEDELIA    [sigh] Oh, this is very nice. TIM    You like? BEDELIA    Yes.  A good deal closer my own age, and not bad looking.  TIM    I was telling a friend about you-- BEDELIA    [curious] But why?  I mean, you start telling people that you're speaking with the dead, they're liable to look at you strangely. TIM    Oh, no - Darcy's cool. I asked if she wanted to drop in, but she's - a bit creeped out. BEDELIA    You have the most colorful colloquialisms. TIM    It's not the ghosts that wig her, it's more the corpses. BEDELIA    "wig"? TIM    Bother her. BEDELIA    Ahh.  I don't wonder - not everyone can take a spirit at face value. TIM    Come, sit.  I'm eating lunch - I don't suppose you would like some...? BEDELIA    I highly doubt it.  But it certainly smells delicious.  TIM    [gracious] Smell away. BEDELIA    Tell me about this lady friend of yours.  Is it serious? TIM    [almost choking]  You mean like dating?  Me and Darcy? BEDELIA    Of course we called it courting in my day, but yes - is she your intended? TIM    I-- we-- I guess I never really thought about it.  I mean, she's smart and pretty and all, but she--  [snort] She'd never be interested in me. BEDELIA    Why not?  After all, you're obviously smart, kindhearted, and a fine-looking young man. TIM    [huh?] Me? BEDELIA    Of course.  Is there anyone else in this room?  Why, if I weren't a couple decades too old for you-- TIM    --and dead-- BEDELIA    --and, yes-- [sigh] You see there?  Perhaps that's why you haven't any lady friend.  You don't seem to think before you open your mouth.  TIM    But - I just - it's the truth. BEDELIA    You are much too literal, Timothy.  Sometimes - most of the time - tact isn't in what you say, so much as when you choose to say nothing at all.  You would be amazed at how far a little tact and charm can take you. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, ANGRY FOOTSTEPS ENTER SUMMERFIELD    What in hell's going on? TIM    I--I-- BEDELIA    [sharp]  Sir?  And who the devil are you? TIM    [whispered] It's my boss. SUMMERFIELD    Yeah, I'm his boss, he's my soon to fired employee, and who the devil are you? BEDELIA    [sweetness] I am Timothy's aunt, Bedelia Crane.  I am so pleased to meet one of Timothy's co-workers.  I didn't think I'd have such a chance-- SUMMERFIELD    This is a restricted area, lady. BEDELIA    [as if he was being polite] Oh, you can call me Bedelia.  And you are--? SUMMERFIELD    [rapidly losing steam] Alvin Summerfield, but-- BEDELIA    I'm afraid this is all my fault, Mr. Summerfield.  Or may I call you Alvin? SUMMERFIELD    [softening noticeably] Alvin--Alvin's fine.  Or Al. BEDELIA    [troweling it on] Alvin is much more dignified.  As I was saying, this is entirely my fault.  I'm afraid I dropped in without the least warning - I'm only in town for a couple of hours, before my bus leaves again - and I came by with lunch to surprise him.  I'm afraid Timothy just didn't have the heart to send his poor old aunt back out into the night, when we never get to see each other, ever, ever. TIM    Yeah. SUMMERFIELD    Well, I really can't let you stay, ma'am, but I... I understand.  I won't write Tim up.  This time.  May I walk you to your car? BEDELIA    I'm parked quite some ways away, and couldn't possibly take you away from your business here for that long - but I would certainly appreciate an escort out of the building-- SOUND    TAKES HIS ARM, THEY WALK OFF BEDELIA    [fading out]  --I got myself terribly lost, trying to find my way in.  But then, it is a fascinating place! SOUND    DOOR STARTS TO SWING SHUT, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SWINGS OPEN AGAIN TIM    Don't forget the time, aunt Bedelia!  BEDELIA    Oh? TIM    You've only got [checks] uh, 43 minutes.  Until you gotta be where you have to be. BEDELIA    I understand!  [fading again] Such a good boy - wants to make sure I don't get left behind somewhere-- SOUND    DOOR SHUTS MUSIC   SCENE 12.    MORGUE, NIGHT, LATER SOUND    PACING TIM    12:49.  Where the heck is she?  I need to get that body back-- SOUND    CELL PHONE RINGS TIM    [startled] Aah!  SOUND    FUMBLES WITH PHONE, THEN TURNS IT ON TIM    H-hello? GORDY    [on phone]  [spooooky voice] Whooo-ooooo.  This is your wake-up ghost.  TIM    Gordy? GORDY    [on phone]  No, it's Mabel fable, put the money back on the table. TIM    Gordy! GORDY    [on phone]  Ok, ok!  Jeez, don't get your shroud in a bunch.  TIM    Is there a point--? GORDY    [on phone]  Yeah.  I was googling the morgue and stuff, and realized that one reason I didn't find much was that the hospital changed its name in the 1970s.  Once I found that, I uncovered a bunch of stuff. TIM    In the middle of the night? GORDY    [on phone]  "Best time"  "In an empty house"? - "best place." TIM    Huh? GORDY    [on phone]  [sigh] You're such a nerd.  All right.  Most of the stuff is crap.  Not very interesting. [beat] Except.... TIM    [disinterested] The freshman's handless body? GORDY    [on phone]  No. [serious]  There really was a guy - and you can believe this, cause there's a wiki entry on it - who was working in the morgue and went nuts in the middle of July 17th. TIM    [beat]  That's it? GORDY    [on phone]  He claimed that a huge black shadow had risen from the floor or something, and touched him, and he like had visions or something and went nuts. TIM    When did this happen? GORDY    [on phone] uh [checking] 1945. TIM    He was probably listening to War of the Worlds or something. GORDY    [on phone]  Well, there's more, [tailing off] but if you're not interested-- TIM    All right.  Go on. GORDY    [on phone]  It happened three other times - People claimed to have seen something horrible on July 17th, or else [pause, for suspense] they killed themselves.  Two suicides - a janitor and a nurse who wasn't even supposed to be in the area, both in the mid 50s. TIM    You're really serious? GORDY    [on phone]  As a snack attack. TIM    But Sophia's worked here for twelve years, and she's never had a problem. GORDY    [on phone]  Hmm.  Ask her. TIM    Yeah - besides, she'll be back by then anyway.  GORDY    [on phone]  Good.  You can start leading a normal life again.  Oh, wait, you never had a normal life.  Oh well.  Chow!  TIM    Bye. SOUND    TURNS OFF PHONE SOUND    MOMENT OF SILENCE, THEN A TAP AT THE WINDOW TIM    [startled] Ahh!  Oh shit - Bedelia! MUSIC   SCENE 13.    OUTDOORS, EARLY MORNING TIM    [fading in] --and then it was 1 a-m and I had to drag the body back in really quick and clean it up! DARCY    [chuckling] You are such a freak! TIM    You think I'm a freak - It's Mr. Summerfield who was making all googly eyes at her.  Ugh.  Jeez, I hope he doesn't spot that body on the slab. DARCY    [shudder]  The way you talk about her, it's easy to forget she's really... well... dead. TIM    Yeah, and she's been giving me all sorts of great advice-- [stops] DARCY    Mm? TIM     Nothing.  [changing gears with difficulty] Um, Gordy told me there's concrete evidence of another ghostly presence, and I was hoping you might be interested. DARCY    Who is it this time? TIM    He said the only description was a "dark presence" and that came from a guy who went mad.  I can forward you the e-mail. DARCY    [interested] Yeah.  Do. MUSIC   SCENE 14.    MORGUE, NIGHT BEDELIA    It was so lovely.  Being outside, in the night. TIM    You shouldn't have been out alone!  You could have been-- BEDELIA    Killed?  [chuckles]  Oh, I haven't any real worries on that score.  TIM    Guess not. BEDELIA    But I do appreciate your concern, Timothy.  That's very considerate of you. TIM    Well, I-- BEDELIA    Now yesterday, before we were so rudely interrupted, you were telling me about your young lady friend. TIM    Uh, yeah.  Look - there's something more important-- BEDELIA    More important than romance?  Goodness.  That is just like a man.  TIM    It's another ghost. BEDELIA    Oh? TIM    Here in the morgue.  Someone - something - who only appears once a year - July 17 - and drives people crazy. BEDELIA    I had an uncle like that, but he only-- TIM    Please!  Have you ever seen this - thing? BEDELIA    [takes a moment to contemplate him]  tsk.  Timothy, you know very well that I have spent very little time of the last 75 years or so taking any notice of the world around me.  When there's no body in the drawer at midnight, I just carry on asleep.  TIM    I figured it couldn't hurt to ask.  BEDELIA    Of course not.  It never hurts to ask.  You should ask your young lady to dinner sometime. TIM    Why?  We eat together - breakfast - all the time.  [flushes, realizing how this must sound, blurts] I mean when I get off shift, and she's coming in. BEDELIA    Silly boy.  That's just food.  "Dinner" is an event. MUSIC   SCENE 15.    OUTSIDE, MORNING DARCY    I think I found out something for you... about your friend Bedelia.  TIM    Go on? SOUND    FLIPS PAGES DARCY    Hold on.  All right. I found her hospital records, and they're pretty useless - it's amazing how unspecific stuff was back in the day!  But they do say she was admitted on a Saturday morning, very early, unconscious, slipped into a coma and stopped breathing. TIM    But did it say why? DARCY    [she knows something] Noooo.  [beat]   But-- TIM    But? DARCY    I checked the papers around the same time, and there were a number of near deaths from a bad batch of bathtub gin-- TIM    In 1932 - but prohibition ended-- [cuts self off] DARCY    [waits a second, then] And, they all looked dead, presumably a deep coma, but then revived. TIM    You mean she--? DARCY    She probably revived in the drawer and then really died. TIM    Oh.  [swallows]  Well, thanks!  Sounds like you did a lot of work on that. DARCY    Oh, I like going through old newspapers.  The ads are hilarious!  [beat] I also discovered one of the ineffable truths of life. TIM    Huh? DARCY    Gordy is an idiot. TIM    Oh, well - we knew that. DARCY    Your dark shape?  It exists. TIM    Really? DARCY    In Ontario.  Gordy mistook Moss Creek General, which was the old name here, for Moose Creek General, which is in some teensy town in Canada.  Tsch. The wonders of the internet. TIM    Darcy... DARCY    Hmm? TIM    [very awkward] Would you like to go to dinner sometime? MUSIC, MUCH TIME PASSES   SCENE 16.    ENTERING MORGUE, NIGHT TIM    Thanks for staying up - Sophia warned me it would be awkward to readjust to days - and even more awkward to just work weekends like this. DARCY    What else am I going to do with my weekend nights?  [teasing] My boyfriend has to work. SOUND    KISS, they break apart, both laughing a little SOUND    A COUPLE MORE STEPS, THEN DOOR PUSHES OPEN. TIM    [shock and horror] What the hell? HALSTON    Hiya Tim.  I shoulda warned you - they finished over on the quad building ahead of schedule, so they started tearing stuff out over here.  Think of it - six months, and we'll have the newest facilities in the state! TIM    But-- DARCY    Oh, no!  [sympathetic] Tim! HALSTON    What?  Didya leave something in the morgue?  TIM    Yeah.  In one of the drawers.  Where- where ... are ... they? HALSTON    Out back with the rest of the rubble, I suppose.  Why? TIM    [strained] Nothing.  Have a good night! [aside, to Darcy]  Help me? DARCY    Um, sure.  What do you-- TIM    Come back at 11:30 and-- HALSTON    [slightly off] At least it means work will be a piece of cake - everyone's being re-rerouted to Central until we get an interim suite set back up. TIM    [whispered] 11:30.  We'll take a look.  I just need to - at least say goodbye. DARCY    [a little unsure] Sure.  Um.  What's the worst that can happen? MUSIC   SCENE 17.    OUTSIDE, OUT BACK AMBIANCE    DISTANT TRAFFIC, NIGHTTIME SOUND    CLANKING NOISES DARCY    [whispered call] Found em! SOUND    HURRIED FOOTSTEPS TIM    Where? DARCY    But they're all out of order.  Ooh.  Some really didn't take it well. TIM    Check the numbers? DARCY    Oh, Tim - most of them don't seem to have them-- TIM    Look for a dent on the front that looks like a pair of lips - I rammed a gurney into the drawer one night. SOUND    METAL RATTLES, ETC. DARCY    [beat] This one? TIM    Oh, yes!  Help me turn it back over. DARCY    But without a body, how can you-- SECURITY GUARD    Hey, you over there!  TIM    Run, Darcy!  SOUND    DARCY RUNS SOUND    TIM CLIMBS UNDER THE DRAWER AND HIDES. SECURITY GUARD    Hey!  You kids! SOUND    RUNNING FEET GO PAST TIME PASSES SOUND    DARCY'S FEET RETURN DARCY    [whispered call] Tim?  Tim? TIM     Over here. DARCY    Oh!  When I realized you weren't behind me, I thought he got you! TIM    [Sounding like Bedelia] Nonsense.  I waited in ambush.  [then, completely himself] Gotta get back to work.  See you for breakfast? DARCY    Did you--?  The drawer--? TIM    No. [rueful, but sounding just a touch like Bedelia]  Not a soul.  Any longer.   CLOSER OLIVIA    Now that you know how to find us, don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...  END

A life of nothing but pleasant contemplation - no work, no worry - would be a lovely hell, wouldn't it?

THE SEVENTH KEY A writer makes a bet that she can change her style - and perhaps her life - overnight Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Cindy Applegate - Chandra Wade Troy - Matthias Rebne Morgan Mandy - Crystal Thomson Regia - Kristina Yuen Tex - Mike Campbell Lucas - Abner Senires Roarke - Rick Lewis Old Scupper - Julie Hoverson Trooper 1 - Glen Hallstrom Trooper 2 - Franknvox 19 Nocturne theme music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) All other music is from the album "Pursuit of Happiness" by C. Filipe Alves (used under a Creative Commons License, found at www.jamendo.com) Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson    "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a writer's studio, can't you tell?"   ********************************************** The seventh key The seventh Key is the other play vaguely inspired by the Seven Keys to Bald Pate - The book by Earl Derr Biggars, and the play by George M. Cohan, and the 1970s loosely inspired film The House of Long Shadows. While Murder Ward arose primarily from the catfishing aspect of the story, this one is more obviously the basic plotline - author makes a bet to write something different if given an inspirational place, and then things go awry.  There's a hint that the catfishing is still happening, but maybe it's not. Part of this is simply an indictment of the unrealistic expectations that romance novels give women - we all complain about porn creating unreal expectations for men, then dream about 7 foot tall warrior hunks with long fabio hair and tribal tatoos, and more junk than any man should have, since he would pass out every time from blood loss to the brain. That's why every man in this play is utterly impossible, from Cindy's point of view.  They all prove that reality is terrible.  Originally Tex and Luke were both sort of dudebros, but a last minute replacement put Michael Campbell in for his first session with us, and he sounded too similar to Luke, and wasn't comfortable with a cowboy type accent (my original intention for Tex).  So on the spot we decided Tex was effusively gay - which would be another and different way he could be "completely unavailable" to our lovelorn writer. The multiple endings are also inspired by Seven Keys to Bald Pate, and are more meant to show the many horrible ways a writers mind expects projects to go down in flames, or fall apart, than necessarily to show an actual event.  We all imagine having our book done, then finding it's gone horribly wrong.... ********************************************** THE SEVENTH KEY Cast: Olivia - Host Cindy Applegate (F30s), a writer Regia (F40s), Cindy's publisher Troy (M30s), Cindy's imaginary boyfriend Mandy (F30s), Cindy's sister Tex, Luke, Roarke (M20s/30s, obnoxious) - film crew Old Scupper (M, elder)- crusty old salt Trooper1 and 2 - (M, any) police OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a writer's condo, can't you tell?  MUSIC   SCENE 1.    WRITING AT HOME SOUND     COMPUTER, TYPING CINDY    [muttering as she types, overwrought] ...and  I love you too, my dearest darling. SOUND    PHONE RINGS CINDY    [irritated mumble] Go away, he's about to make an indecent proposal.  TROY    I can no longer contain my passion.  My blood hums for you.  You must be mine! CINDY    [ecstatic sigh] SOUND    PICKS UP PHONE CINDY    [almost an ecstatic sigh] Yes? REGIA    You've been writing, haven't you? CINDY    [still dreamy] Of course.  That's what you want me to do, isn't it? REGIA    Of course.  So.  What's the new one? CINDY    "Rogue of Fate" REGIA    Quick précis? CINDY    Warwick Wellington, handsome and devilish owner of Wellington shipping lines and dabbler in exotic animals hires cat breeder Gloriana Mundy to help him birth a rare white leopard-- REGIA    They hate each other on sight, and yet fall in love, have a steamy sex scene and then argue, never to see each other again, but then the panther-- CINDY    --Leopard-- REGIA    --goes into labour and they have to work together to save the cubs, and realize their attraction is unavoidable? CINDY    [shocked] How-- how did you guess? REGIA    Cindy, you know I'm your friend as well as your agent, right? CINDY    Yes, but what has-- REGIA    It's roughly the same as every plot you've ever written.  In fact I think it's identical to "Never the Twain Shall Sleep" except that was a prize-winning race horse instead of a leopard.  You're kind of predictable.  CINDY    [truly distressed] But - no.  It can't be, I don't--  not on purpose! REGIA    I know.  That's actually the very sad part.  I know, and you know, that you just happen to write that way, and not that you have a formula tacked to the wall that says "page 32, they meet.  At page 230, they quarrel" or anything like that.  CINDY    I don't!  I swear! REGIA    The good thing is that your books always sell.  I'm never going to fault you for that - but I'd love to see what you could do if you ever did break out of this rut.  You're a competent writer, and you'll always have an audience, but you could do more, if you tried something a little different. CINDY    Like what? REGIA    Are you seeing anyone? CINDY    Dr. Mallory said I didn't really need-- REGIA    I meant dating. CINDY    Oh.  [grudging] No. REGIA    You should. CINDY    Men are pigs. REGIA    Which is why your heroes perspire rather than sweat.  Real women like real men.  At least a little bit. CINDY    They're ... messy.  Uncooperative. REGIA.      Yup.  Try it - you might like it. SOUND    PHONE HANGS UP MUSIC   SCENE 2. CINDY    You are the only one who understand me, Troy. TROY    Of course, my proud beauty.  For you are complex and mysterious and most men can't be bothered to see past the ends of their-- CINDY    [cutting him off] Yes, yes.  Troy, you will always love me, won't you? TROY    As long as there is breath in my body. CINDY    Oh, Troy! TROY    Oh, Cindy! SOUND    PHONE RINGS CINDY    Oh, pooh! SOUND    PICKS UP PHONE CINDY    Yes? MANDY    Hey sis.  I guess I caught you at a bad time? CINDY    [irritated] I was just... composing. What do you need? MANDY    I was just going to see if you wanted to come to dinner this weekend.  George and I haven't seen you in ages. CINDY    Who is it this time? MANDY    [overly innocent] Whatever can you mean? CINDY    Please - when you start talking like... like-- MANDY    One of your heroines? CINDY    [pedantic] The way people talked in the 18th and 19th century-- MANDY    I give up!  I will give you the code words.  His name is Rob, and he's a banker.  He's nice.  Cute even - if you don't mind someone a tad... cuddly. CINDY    Stop trying to fix me up - why can't you believe I'm just fine? MANDY    Because you're alone, and if I know you, you're talking to your imaginary boyfriend again. CINDY    You said you'd never-- MANDY     Drop it!  Sorry!  Come to dinner anyway.  We'll tell Rob you have something contagious, and you can just sit and be bored with the three of us.  [beat]  Cody misses his auntie. CINDY    Cody can't feed himself yet.  I doubt he can tell us apart, the way he keeps trying to get into my shirt. MANDY    For a romance writer, you are the least sentimental person I know.  No wonder all your characters are cardboard cutouts. CINDY    They are not! MANDY    Sweetie.  They all use the same 10 lines at some point in their respective narrative - there's an entire website devoted to spotting them and mocking you. CINDY    What ten lines? MANDY    Lessee - "my proud beauty" CINDY    [squeaky gasp] MANDY    "As long as there is breath in my body", "you may take my body but you will never have my heart" - that one from her, whoever "her" is at the moment.  Hmm.  I can forward you the URL if you like. CINDY    No!  And I'm not going to come to dinner.  I'm busy.  Writing.  Something completely different. MANDY     I'll believe that when I read it. CINDY    You bet you will. MANDY    You're on!   CINDY    What? MANDY    I'll bet you one year that you can't write a real novel - even a novella - in the same time that it takes you to rattle off one of your froufrou books. CINDY    One year?  Of what? MANDY    [chuckles evilly]  One year that you come to dinner twice a month and be nice to whoever we invite-- CINDY    Whomever. MANDY    --against one year when I won't even ask you over. CINDY    You're - you're on!  I could use a year of not being nagged. MANDY    But you have to get the first draft done in a weekend - that's how long you told Women's Day it takes you to write one of your books. CINDY    [gasp] How can anyone be so horrid? MANDY    I'm your sister - and yes, that one's on the list too. SOUND    MANDY HANGS UP.  CINDY SLOWLY PUTS DOWN RECEIVER CINDY    Am I really that ... predictable? TROY    A woman is a bundle of senses, with a dash of nonsense. CINDY    Argh! MUSIC   SCENE 3. CINDY    Why didn’t you ever tell me? REGIA    [on phone]  I did - you just never heard.  I didn't push it because you always sell so well - to women who like a certain kind of man, a certain kind of story, and a certain kind of resolution.  You always deliver. CINDY    I'm - I'm boring!  This website even says so.  "Good god!  How could I have been so blind" - oh No!  I will never say that again! REGIA    It's not that bad.  Ignore the critics.  Write what you love.  As long as it sells, why worry about it? CINDY    Is money all you think about? REGIA    I am an agent. CINDY    But I want people to like my books, not laugh at them.  I want to write something good.  Something meaningful. REGIA    Oh, man.  I said you should try something different, but, meaningful?  Why such a change? CINDY    Because just surviving isn’t living at all.  [defiant] and yes, that's one of the ten. REGIA    Ten? CINDY    Never mind.  Will you help me? REGIA    Help you - with what? CINDY    I need a place to write.  Inspiration.  Atmosphere.  Just for a weekend - enough to rough out a new story.  [definite] Something meaningful. REGIA    Meaningful books are a tougher sell.  I like your books the way they are. CINDY    I can always go back to churning out the same old... crap...later. TROY    During our year of peace. MUSIC   SCENE 4.    OUTSIDE THE LIGHTHOUSE SOUND    WALKING, OUTSIDE, WIND, ONE PAIR OF FEET IS VERY STOMPY OLD SCUPPER     Yar.  The lighthouse heah was decommissioned night on fotty yeahs gone.  SOUND    BIRD NOISE CINDY    Oh, seagulls! OLD SCUPPER    [completely dry] Cahnt see why - being right heah on the beach, and all. SOUND    KEYS JINGLE - OLD CREAKY DOOR OPENS OLD SCUPPER    Cahs it ain't been empty the hul time - we gets renters from time to time who want to paint or try that meditation yahoo, but-- but no one eveh stays more'n a month.  SOUND    THEY GO INSIDE, CREAKY DOOR SLAMS SHUT WITH AN ECHO CINDY    [eep!] OLD SCUPPER    It's all on account o' the ghost.  CINDY    Yes, that's exactly why I came here. OLD SCUPPER    Har har har.  Y'ain't the fust, young lady, to think they cud stand up t' the ghost.  CINDY    I heard it was a woman who committed suicide?  Jumped off the-- OLD SCUPPER    Ain't that romantic, now?  Nar.  She were killed.  And then he killed hisself.  No one atall is dead sure which one itis which haunts the place - or mayhaps it's both of 'em.  CINDY    Well, can't they see?  If it's in a dress--? OLD SCUPPER    Yer head is full o' crap.  It's them movies and the T-V makes it sound like ghosts look just like regular folks.  Bah.  [spookier and spookier] This haunt - or haunts, as the case may be - is just a dark shape which covers the winduhs, making day inta night, and then it lets out such a scream -  a scream to shake down the very heavens.  Them as hears the scream falls inter a deep sleep and when they finally wake up, they find they've done ... terrible things.  Best you come on back befoah dark and stay in town.  Tis not far - just an hour or so afoot. CINDY    No.  I'm fine.  Thanks.  OLD SCUPPER    Suit yerself. SOUND    FEET STOMP OFF.  DOOR OPENS.  CLICK CINDY    Hey! OLD SCUPPER    Ayah? CINDY    What about the electricity? OLD SCUPPER    Yer don' know how t'work a jenny? CINDY    Who's Jenny? OLD SCUPPER    [disgusted noise] Gar.  SOUND    DOOR SHUTS, FEET STOMP AWAY INSIDE MUSIC   SCENE 5. SOUND    TYPING AWAY ON A LAPTOP CINDY    [mutters as she types]  --window high above the pounding surf.  The darkness closes in, the wind echoes through the huge column of stone, and the rocks call out to her.  "Join us."  No, scratch that, "we have the answer to all your pain"-- SOUND    KNOCK ON THE OUTER DOOR ECHOES LOUDLY CINDY    [eep!]  Coming! SOUND    A COUPLE MORE LAPTOP KEYS SOUND    ENDLESS FEET DOWN STAIRS, THEY STOP.  THEN CONTINUE CINDY    Just a minute! SOUND    FEET DESCEND AND FINALLY FADE INTO-- CINDY    Coming! SOUND    DOOR OPENS CINDY    [out of breath]  Hello?  [half wolf whistle, half gasp]  Hell-o! TEX    [very campy] Hello!  Is this the Sutter's Wharf lighthouse? CINDY    [puzzled and disappointed] Yes.  Um.  Is there something I can do for you? TEX    I wanted to make sure before we start bringing in the equipment.  [turns away and gives a huge whistle]  CINDY    Equip... what? TEX    We'll be staying in here, then?  SOUND    FOOTSTEPS INTO ECHOES TEX    [echoey] Hmm.  Not bad.  We're with "In Specter" - you know, the ghost hunting show?  We're doing a spot on the lighthouse this weekend.  Didn't you get the memo?  CINDY    But... but I'm renting the lighthouse this weekend. TEX    You aren't the owner?  CINDY    I-I'm a writer - I came here for some peace and quiet and-- SOUND    SQUEAKY WHEELS APPROACH LUKE    ["dude" yelling from off] Dude, get out of the way!  Got the beers! CINDY    [nearly in tears] -- and atmosphere. TEX    Sorry.  We've had it booked for six months.  You'll have to talk to Roarke.  Our boss. CINDY    Roarke?  That's a nice name.  I gotta make a note-- TEX    You got one? CINDY    A note? TEX    [snorting laugh] No.  A name.  I'm Tex, and this ...studmuffin is Luke. LUKE    [a little off]  Yo! CINDY    Cindy.  Cindy Applegate. LUKE    Oh!  Woah!  Any relation to--? CINDY    [surprised and pleased] Yes - yes, it's me - I'm the writer. LUKE    Writer?  No - you know, the hot actress.  Babelicious!  Smoking!  Awoo! CINDY    Argh! MUSIC   SCENE 6.    OUTSIDE SOUND    PACING ON DIRT CINDY    This Roarke will just have to understand. TROY    You will sway him with your plight.  And your beauty. CINDY    Maybe he'll even be handsome-- TROY    Your eyes devoured those two musclebound-- CINDY    But this Roarke guy is the boss.  He's probably Irish or something.  Fiery.  Passionate. TROY    Who wouldn't be, faced with your loveliness? CINDY    Regia said she arranged everything. TROY    Unless... CINDY    What? TROY    Perhaps she thought the presence of other people might stir your creative juices. CINDY    Maybe... SOUND    CAR WINDOW ROLLS DOWN CINDY    Roarke? ROARKE    [obnoxiously Brooklyn]  OK, I got 5 minutes. CINDY    [vastly disappointed] Oh.  Sure.  Um, my publicist-- ROARKE    I was just on the phone with her.  Someone well and truly screwed the pooch on this one, but we're willing to let you stick around while we work-- CINDY    But I need quiet to write! ROARKE    Tough titty, babe.  You can stay, but only if you let the crew fit you into the show - Your agent said it would be good for your image, all that crap. CINDY    But when will I be able to write? ROARKE    We'll be shooting local color tonight and tomorrow by day - write then.  But at night, you gotta be around in case this ghost shows up.  CINDY    You think I'll really enhance the show? ROARKE    Chicks scream better. SOUND    WINDOW ROLLS UP MUSIC   SCENE 7. SOUND    SEAGULLS, OUTSIDE AMBIANCE, OCEAN, WIND SOUND    KEYBOARD CLICKS CINDY    [Muttering through gritted teeth]  Ensconced on the parapet, I gazed down over the jagged cliffs below, and wondered if perhaps this was the same view - the last view - of the murdered woman so long ago.  Whether the moaning of the wind in the rocks called to her, the way they sing now - even now - in my head. SOUND    A COUPLE OF LAST CLICKS, LAPTOP CLOSES CINDY    [sigh] TROY    It's going well, all things considered. CINDY    Yes.  But it's almost dark, and then-- TROY    He required you be available, not actually present. CINDY    I hope the ghost shows up - then they can get what they want and go.  TROY    Have you considered--? CINDY    What? TROY    That this was much too fortuitous - your arrival followed so closely by theirs?  Perhaps your agent did this a'purpose. CINDY    But why?  She wants me to write-- TROY    Ah, but she also wants you to socialize.  With real people.  CINDY    Well, if I don't get this darn draft done, I'll definitely be stuck socializing - if you can call any of Mandy and George's friends "real".  [shudder] TROY    Would it be so horrible? CINDY    Yes. SOUND    KNOCK ON DOOR TEX    Hey, you up here? SOUND     DOOR OPENS TEX    There you are, pretty lady. CINDY    What do you want? TEX    Making sure you didn't fall off or nothing.  CINDY    [chilling] Nope.  Not yet. TEX    Well.  Dinner's on, anyway.  MUSIC   SCENE 8.    SHOOTING SOUND    WHIRRING OF MACHINERY VOICE    [on P.A.] IN SPECTOR LUKE    OK, so we're here in Sutter's Wharf lighthouse, waiting to see if the infamous screaming shadow will appear.  TEX    And for once, we're not all alone.  We have a guest - famous romance writer Cindy Appleton.  CINDY    [hollow, deer in headlights]  Applegate. TEX    Applegate.  [beat]  Here, honey, wave.  I guess little Cindy ain't exactly hard to scare, huh, Luke? LUKE    [chuckles]  Well, Tex, writing's a pretty lonely business.  And this is a lonely place.  Right Cindy? CINDY    Yes.  LUKE    Yeah.  See, dude? CINDY    It is a lonely business. TEX    Right.  Well, they say the ghost has been known to walk the platform around the light, upstairs.  So we're going to haul ass up there for a while.  Come on. SOUND    LIGHTS SWITCHED OFF ROARKE    That coulda been better. CINDY    I thought ...there would be a script. ROARKE    You wanna write one, go ahead, but we don't got the budget to pay for nuttin like that. CINDY    I'm... sorry. ROARKE    No skin off my ass.  Embarrassing famous people goes over great on TV.  And your agent agreed that, short of actual nudity, anything we shoot of you this weekend will get her ok for air time. TROY    We should get clear of this nest of vipers! CINDY    [trying to be brave]  Well.  You can film me writing for the next half hour.  I have a scene that has to get written. ROARKE    Not bad - use the publicity from the show to push the book.  And vicey-versy.  Not bad at all. MUSIC   SCENE 9. SOUND    DOOR SLAMS, SQUEAK, LATCH CINDY    Well, I can get a little privacy anyway.  SOUND    OPEN LAPTOP, POWER UP TROY    You know I will always support anything you do-- SOUND    HORRIBLE DRILLING NOISE CINDY    What the blazes? SOUND    LATCH OPENS, DOOR OPENS CINDY    What's the-- SOUND    HORRIBLE DRILLING NOISE, LOUDER CINDY    Ahhhhhhh!  [as soon as it ends] What IS that! LUKE    Eyebolts, little dudette.  Can't have the cameras falling if the ghost shows up.  We got permission. CINDY    But the noise! LUKE    Yeah, sucks, don't it.  Oh, well.  Be done soon.  [laughs] Woah! SOUND    DRILLING SOUND    DOOR SLAMS MUSIC   SCENE 10.    TIME PASSES SOUND    TYPING TROY    [voice cutting the music]  Weren't they coming back to get you? CINDY    Hmm?  Maybe they forgot about me. TROY    But it's been hours. CINDY    Has it? SOUND    TURNING DOWN VOLUME OF THE MUSIC CINDY    It is awfully quiet. TROY    It's past one. CINDY    Wow. SOUND    TAPPING A FEW LAST KEYS, CLOSE LAPTOP, REMOVE MEMORY STICK CINDY    I guess I should see.  SOUND    LATCH LIFTS, THEN HESITATES CINDY    They might just be waiting to catch me off guard again. TROY    Don't let them.  You're much too clever.  You can do this. SOUND    DOOR OPENS CINDY    [quiet, echoing] Hello? MUSIC   SCENE 11. SOUND    WALKING AND TURNING ON A CELLPHONE CINDY    Searching, searching... TROY    Perhaps they're filming outside? CINDY    They wouldn't have left all the equipment.  It's all just sitting there...  Even that darn drill.   [gasp]  Drat.  No bars.  Figures.  SOUND    CELL PHONE SLAPS SHUT TROY    Leaving is a very viable option.  Grab your smallest case and we can-- CINDY    But their blasted truck has boxed me in.  TROY    Only about an hour's walk.  According to the ...rustic. CINDY    But if something happened here, wouldn't it have happened to me too? TROY    Then... what? CINDY    I think it's a joke.  They thought it was funny catching me out in front of the camera, and now... TROY    An even more persuasive argument that you must leave this place. CINDY    No.  I can just see it - bedraggled author crawls into town after night in haunted lighthouse, only to find camera crew at local bar.  Yes!  That's where they must be.  Well, I'm not playing. TROY    So you will--? CINDY     Go upstairs and get back to work.  There's still plenty of time before they stagger in. MUSIC   SCENE 12.    POWER TROUBLE SOUND    DOOR SHUTS, DOOR LATCH SOUND    ELECTRIC NOISE, BUZZ-DIP. CINDY    Oh, shi--oot! SOUND    LAPTOP UNPLUGGED, THEN TURNED ON CINDY    Oh, no!  Good thing I have backup. SOUND    LAPTOP BOOTS CINDY    [sigh of relief] SOUND    ELECTRIC DIP, THEN OUT.  POP OF LIGHT BULB CINDY    [eep!] TROY    Now it's truly time to go. CINDY    But how will I get back down and out of here in the dark? TROY    How can you stay? CINDY    Easy.  I write for the four hours I have on battery, and by then dawn will be coming up.  I just sit tight. MUSIC   SCENE 13.    WORKING SOUND    TYPING MADLY TROY    What if it was the ghost? CINDY    Hey, whose imaginary friend are you anyway? TROY    [calming] I help you to express your fears. CINDY    Well, right now, any fears I have are right outside that door, and can stay there.  SOUND    ELECTRIC NOISE RETURNS SOUND    DRILL OUTSIDE THE DOOR - continues until noted CINDY    [Starts screaming] TROY    Shh,  It's going to be all right. Shh.  Calm down.  You need to be calm. CINDY    [down to whimpering] TROY    It's not that bad - the power just came back on and the surge started the drill. CINDY    [gasping] Really? TROY    [uncertain]  It's the only logical answer. CINDY    Logic sucks. TROY    The noise won't go away until you go out there and turn it off. CINDY    No! TROY    What if you're the only one here - that damn noise will drive you mad until you put it right. CINDY    Someone had to turn on the generator. TROY    Really? CINDY    I think so.  So someone has to be out there. TROY    [ominous] Someone. CINDY    You're doing it again!  Shh! SOUND    FOOTSTEPS COMING UP THE STAIRS CINDY    [eep] TROY    Who do you think it is? CINDY    Ssh. TROY    No one but you can hear me, my sweet one. CINDY    [whispered] Oh.  Right. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS GET CLOSE.  DOOR IS RATTLED CINDY    [gasping] TROY    If they were not villains, they'd hail you, wouldn't they? CINDY    Uh-huh. TROY    Bloody hell. CINDY    Uh-huh! SOUND    FOOTSTEPS GO ON PAST TROY    Oh good. SOUND    DRILL IS TURNED OFF CINDY    [huge sigh] SOUND    SOMETHING HEAVY DROPS.  FOOTSTEPS START TO RETURN CINDY    [rapid breathing, trying to stay quiet] SOUND    SUDDEN POUNDING ON DOOR CINDY    [hands over mouth, to keep self quiet] TROOPER    [muffled] Police!  Open up! CINDY    Police? TROY    Can you trust him? CINDY    [whispered] What else can I do?  [up, but shaky] I'm coming. SOUND    SLOW STEPS TO DOOR, LATCH OPENS, THEN DOOR CINDY    Police? TROOPER1    Will you step out here ma'am?  Please keep your hands where I can see them. CINDY    What?  Why? TROOPER1    [calling off]  Found one! CINDY    One what? TROOPER1    Survivor.  Come on. CINDY    I can't leave my laptop!  What do you mean, survivor? TROOPER1    We're just going downstairs - for the moment.  Everything will be perfectly safe. SOUND    FEET SLOWLY DESCEND STAIRS CINDY    Heavens! TROOPER1    Stay to the right here, at the bottom of the stairs - we don't want you walking in the evidence.  Come on. CINDY    I can't! TROOPER2    Hey!  What's the hold up? CINDY    What happened? TROOPER1    That's what we want you to tell us, ma'am.  Now if you would just step this way-- CINDY    No! SOUND    FEET RUN UPSTAIRS, HEAVY BOOTS FOLLOW.  SHE IS GRABBED TROOPER1    [struggling with her] We've tried to be polite about this, but you have to come with us - it's not a request. CINDY    [breathing hard, half whispered]  I've never seen so much blood! SOUND    FOOTSTEPS DESCEND AGAIN TROOPER1    I'm willing to believe that, miss, but we need to find out what you did see.  I mean tonight. CINDY    Nothing.  Before the lights went out, no one was here, and then there was no power, so I worked on battery in my room, and then you turned...them back on... TROOPER1    You didn't hear anything?  Anything at all? CINDY    I tend to be ... lost... in thought - when I write.  And the walls seem pretty thick.  [breath catches]  What... happened? TROOPER1     Don't know.  The bodies are all ... missing.  MUSIC   SCENE 14.    ONE PHONE CALL CINDY    I promise you, I didn't see or hear anything. REGIA    [on phone] Did you tell them that? CINDY    Over and over again.  They won't believe me.  They think I did some awful thing! REGIA    I know a few lawyers.  We'll get this sorted out.  CINDY    But I didn’t do anything!  REGIA    Sorry, you caught me in a bad cell zone.  Let me get to a land line and call you back. SOUND    CLICK PHONE OFF CINDY    That's a fine kettle of fish. TROY    They would never convict you - they must see what a lovely soul you truly are. CINDY    People have been wrongly convicted in the past. TROY    Perhaps she will find you a handsome and masculine attorney who, convinced of your innocence, will set you free in the eleventh hour. CINDY     I want to be set free in the first hour! SOUND    DOOR OPENS CINDY    [eep!] TROOPER1    All right, you're free to go. CINDY    I ...am? TROOPER1    Found them.  They're fine. CINDY    But the blood? TROOPER1    Minor accident with a drill.  All cleared up now.  CINDY    So I can - go?  Go back to my writing? TROOPER1    [up close and personal] From the state of you, you need a long hot soak in a scented tub, with candles, and maybe a hot oil massage. CINDY    [breathless, hopeful]  Really?  TROOPER1    [flippant] That’s what your agent suggested, anyway.  We can get you to a nice hotel where you can-- CINDY    No.  I'm going to stay right here and finish my new book, and you can't stop me.  [losing her edge]  You can't stop me, can you? TROOPER1    Do what you want.  You'll be all alone - at least for the night.  The crew should be back by mid-morning, though. CINDY    All the more reason to use my time wisely.  Bye, now! TROOPER1    Oh, and watch out for the ghost! CINDY    [gasp!] MUSIC   SCENE 15.    THE HAUNTING CINDY    What time is it? TROY    Nearly 4 am.  Long past the witching hour, now is truly the dead of night.  The darkest hour just before dawn. CINDY    Dawn is at 6:43 a-m today. TROY    Ah!  Then the darkest hour is yet to come. CINDY    Well, I'm a good 150 pages in, anyway. SOUND    SCREECH CINDY    What--? TROY    A night bird, perhaps? SOUND    SCREECH, LOUDER TROY    No, it's-- CINDY    The ghost! TROY    Hide yourself!  Cover your ears! CINDY    No!  The only way to conquer this sort of phantasm-- SOUND    SCREECH CINDY    [losing steam rapidly] Is to... face it down? TROY    You are so brave.  And so beautiful. CINDY    Thank you.  I needed that. TROY    Of course. SOUND    DOOR FLUNG OPEN SOUND    SCREECH CINDY    [Screams - much like she is falling, much like the squeak] MUSIC   SCENE 16.    FALSE ENDING ONE CINDY    [waking up noises, eep] REGIA    See.  Told you she'd be fine.  Cindy-- [trying not to laugh] The look on your face!  It was priceless.  Here, I caught it - see?  SOUND    PHONE BEING OPENED, PICTURES SCROLLED THROUGH CINDY    What are you doing here?  What happened? MANDY    I just won a bet, is what happened.  Now you've got to make nice to every one of George's friends. CINDY    What do you mean?  I still have time-- REGIA    You've been dead to the world for over 10 hours, which brings your window of opportunity to a nice tidy close.  Sorry about that, but you should learn to pace yourself. CINDY    But it's nearly completed - that MUST count for something! REGIA    This file on your laptop?  The one that just repeats the same ten lines over and over.  Very Stephen King, but not really marketable, sweetheart. CINDY    I didn’t!  Let me see!  Oh, god, what have I done? MANDY    Yes, that's one of them. CINDY    You rigged it, didn’t you? REGIA    What?  Why would I do that? CINDY    The two of you - you were in it together, conspiring to make me ...  to force me to lose! REGIA    [Laughing]  Well, we did hire a couple of guys. MANDY    They were more than ready to help.  CINDY    But why? MANDY    A single woman is an embarrassment.  It's just a fact. CINDY    This is all just to convince me to find a man? REGIA    Pretty much. CINDY    Troy?  Where are you--? MANDY    Troy's not real.  You must realize that. CINDY    [Screams - much like she is falling] MUSIC   SCENE 17.    FALSE ENDING 2 SOUND    TAPPING AWAY ON KEYS CINDY    [mutters]  And she spent the rest of her days locked up in a padded cell, demanding that someone find Troy and get him to come and visit her.  The end. TROY    Most excellent.  You will surely win your bet. CINDY    [melodrama] Somehow, the bet is unimportant, now.  I've really grown through writing this.  I can see that my life will be different - better - if I let myself deal with people on a one to one basis.  If I forge a meaningful relationship with a good man. TROY    Then you will no longer need me? CINDY    I will always need you, Troy! TROY    Oh, Cindy! CINDY    [Screams in ecstacy - still sound much like she is falling] MUSIC   SCENE 18.    THE ENDING REGIA    And that's how it ends.  It's really-- MANDY    Really? REGIA    A steaming heap of poo. MANDY    [very disappointed]  Ohh. REGIA    It'll still sell millions.  MANDY    But she worked so hard-- REGIA    Yeah, yeah.  And it has the huge advantage of being the last thing she wrote.  Lucky we were able to recover anything from the laptop at all - since she took it with her when she made that leap off the lighthouse. CLOSING OLIVIA    Now that you know how to find us, don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...     

A 1953 prediction of "virtual reality" AND "reality reality".  

Ask Mrs. Freda Dunny where her home town is.  Go on - we dare you. Adapted by Julie Hoverson from a short story by J. Anthony Ferlaine  (published in Fantastic Universe, November 1956) . Cast List Smiling Jim Parsons - J. Christopher Dunn Fred Dunny - Julie Hoverson Gertie - Tanja Milojevic (Lightning Bolt Theater of the Mind) Don Phillips - Glen Hallstrom   Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:  Neil Gustin of Twilight Audio Theatre Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Much thanx to Librivox and Project Gutenberg for curating stories, like this one, that have passed into the public domain. "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a TV Studio in 1956 - can't you tell?" ************************************* One out of ten This was a quick little adaptation from a story I read for Atomic Julie's Galactic Bedtime Stories.  It didn't take much to adapt, just a few tweaks, and I think I had to add in the actual questions, since that was just a "dot dot dot" in the story.  Otherwise, this one basically wrote itself. Atomic Julie, though, was my idea for some filler that has become my secondary series - I read old scifi stories that show up on Project Gutenberg - at gutenberg.org - that public domain treasure house.  I started out adding music to the stories, but people expressed a preference for just the reading, so I adapted.  Hey one less thing to do, right? Few people realize that I do all Atomic Julie's as cold reads, not even looking at anything but the word count and first page beforehand, as a challenge to myself.  It's also good practice. The biggest advantage to Atomic Julie is finding stories to adapt - or stories that inspire new ideas in my head.  And then I figured, if I'm going to be reading them anyway, why not read them aloud and then share them with everyone else? ************************************* ONE OUT OF TEN Adapted from a short story by J. Anthony Ferlaine from _Fantastic Universe_ November 1956. Sound and Mastering by Neil Gustin   Cast: Olivia - Host Smiling Jim Parsons (M30s), Host Don Phillips (M50s), commercial announcer Freda Dunny (F40) Gertie (F20s) Jim's assistant OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a television studio, in 1956 can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND     COMMERCIAL RUNS IN THE BACKGROUND DON PHILLIPS    Parlor Quiz! JIM    What's on the menu tonight, Gertie? GERTIE    We have five possibles.  Here. SOUND    INDEX CARDS FLIPPED THROUGH GERTIE    Don't want to run short again. JIM    Noooo.  Anything really juicy? GERTIE    Let's see - [listing off people] kooky name; too many kids; unusual job - she's a taxidermist; oh, here's one - interesting relative, no details; and this top one you're really gonna want to see. SOUND    SNATCH CARD JIM    "Ask her where she's from"?  GERTIE    Guess. JIM    I'm no good at guessing.  Alaska? GERTIE    Nope. JIM    Timbuktu? GERTIE    Trust me. SOUND    FANFARE JIM    Holy crow, that's me.  [mock teasing] Am I beautiful? GERTIE    Turn.  Yup.  Twenty-four karat gold. JIM    That's me! SOUND    DOOR OPENS, NOISE LOUDER.  FOOTSTEPS UNDER. DON PHILIPS    [on P.A.]  ... And now, on with the show!  And here, ready to test your wits, is your quizzing quiz master, Smiling Jim Parsons. SOUND    MUCH APPLAUSE, THEN LOWERS JIM    [ON] Good afternoon!  Here we go again with another half hour of fun and prizes on television's newest, most exciting, game, 'Parlor Quiz.' In a moment I'll introduce you to our first contestant. But first here is a special message to all you mothers ... SOUND    AD PLAYS DON PHILIPS    [on P.A.]  Children constipated?  Ladies, does your child have trouble with irregularity?  Issues in the bathroom?  Too much toilet paper?  You know what I mean - trouble with a lack of movement?  Try Maxi-Lax, the mother's little helper for childhood irregularity.  Made with the finest England castor beans, our special patented old-world formula helps with relaxation, since often such troubles stem from tension and stress - yes, even in children - though it works just as well for big folks, too!  So add Maxi-Law to your shopping list!  You can thank us later!  Available at your local R-X Druggist!  Get that Bull Out of the Ring!  Try Maxi-Lax! SOUND    APPLAUSE JIM    Now which one is--  SOUND    WALKING JIM    [spotting her] Ah.  No mukluks.  Not even a crazy hat or wooden shoes.  [to her] Mrs. Freda Dunny? FREDA    Oh, yes. JIM    You're first. FREDA    [strangely certain] I know. SOUND    AD ENDS JIM     [disconcerted] Oh.  [up, to camera] Well, now, we're all set to go ... and our first contestant today is this charming little lady right here beside me, Mrs. Freda Dunny. SOUND    APPLAUSE JIM    How are you, Mrs. Dunny? FREDA    Fine! Just fine. JIM    All set to answer a lot of questions and win a lot of prizes? FREDA    Oh, I'll win all right. SOUND    LAUGHTER JIM    You sound pretty sure of yourself.  [chuckles]  Where are you from, Mrs. Dunny? FREDA    Mars. SOUND    LAUGHTER JIM    [a moment, then] Mars! [chuckles] Mars, Montana?  Mars, Peru? FREDA    [earnest]  No, Mars! Up there.  The planet Mars.  The fourth planet out from the sun. SOUND    UNCERTAIN LAUGHTER JIM    Well, well... well [rallying] all the way from Mars, eh? And how long have you been on Earth, Mrs. Dunny? FREDA    Oh, about thirty or forty years. I've been here nearly all my life. Came here when I was a wee slip of a girl.  Not a weekend getaway, then? JIM    You're practically an Earthwoman by now, then, wouldn’t you say? SOUND    LOTS OF LAUGHS JIM    Do you plan on going back someday or have you made up your mind to stay here on Earth for the rest of your days? FREDA    Oh, I'm just here for the invasion.  When that's over I'll probably go back home again. JIM    [blank] The... invasion? SOUND    AUDIENCE MURMURS FREDA    Yes, the invasion of Earth. As soon as enough of us are here we'll get started. JIM    You mean there are others here, too? FREDA    Oh, yes, there are several million of us here in the United States already--and more are on the way. JIM    [faltering a bit, but trying to stay "on"] There are only about a hundred and seventy million people in the United States, Mrs. Dunny.  If there are seven million Martians among us, one out of every hundred would have to be a Martian. FREDA    Oh, one out of every ten.  That's what the boss said just the other day.  'We're getting pretty close to the number we need to take over Earth.'  [laughs] SOUND    MORE NERVOUS MURMURS, TITTERS JIM    What do you need?  One to one? One Martian for every Earthman? FREDA    Oh, no.  One Martian is worth ten Earthmen. The only reason we're waiting is we don't want any trouble. JIM    You don't look any different from us Earth people, Mrs. Dunny. How does one tell the difference between a Martian and an Earthman when one sees one? FREDA    Oh, we don't look any different.  Some of the kids don't even know they're Martians. Most mothers don't tell their children until they're grown-up. And there are other children who are never told because they just don't develop their full powers. JIM    Uhh...powers? FREDA    Oh, telepathy, thought control--that sort of thing. JIM    [back to humor - this is too silly] You mean that Martians can read people's thoughts? FREDA    Sure! It's no trouble at all. It's very easy really, once you get the hang of it. JIM    [joking] Can you read my mind? FREDA    Sure!  That's why I said that I'd know the answers. I'll be able to read them in your mind when you look at that sheet of paper. JIM    Now, that's hardly sporting, is it, Mrs. Dunny?  Everybody else has to do it the hard way and here you are reading it from my mind? FREDA    [complacent] All's fair in love and war. JIM    Tell me, Mrs. Dunny. Why are you telling me about all this? Isn't it supposed to be a secret? FREDA    Why not?  Nobody believes me anyhow.  Besides, I have my reasons. JIM    [grave] Oh, I believe you, Mrs. Dunny.  But we need to take a quick break and consult the rules - mind-reading might be fair in love and war, but this is television! SOUND    AD COMES ON JIM    I'll be right back, Mrs. Dunny. FREDA    I know. JIM    [really disconcerted] Right. SOUND    APPLAUSE SOUND    DASHES OFF JIM    Gertie? GERTIE    I've been on the phone with the big brass.  They don't take it very seriously, but they did say I should pull out packet 13 for her. JIM    [baffled] Packet 13? GERTIE    You know the one sealed and certified, in case of cheats like that fellow a few years back?  No one knows a single question in here until we break the seal.  JIM    But what if she--? GERTIE    I asked!  They said if she wins - well, gosh she wins. JIM    Even if she manages to ace the whole ten? GERTIE    Yup.  They figure the publicity is worth it. And you're on! SOUND    JIM DASHES AGAIN DON PHILLIPS    It looks like we have a decision! JIM    Well, Mrs. Dunny, we scoured the rulebook, and couldn't find a darn thing to stop you.  Guess there's just no precedent for mind-reading. SOUND    LAUGHTER FREDA    Of course. JIM    And now, let's see how you do on the questions.  Are you ready? SOUND    RIP OF ENVELOPE, CARDS PULLED OUT FREDA    Oh, yes! SOUND    AUDIENCE MURMURS JIM    I should point out, even I haven't seen these questions and answers before this very moment, so there's no possibility of collusion. SOUND    APPLAUSE JIM    Name the one and only mammal that has the ability to fly. FREDA    A bat. JIM    Right! Did you read that from my mind? FREDA    Oh, yes, you're coming over very clear! FADING INTO MONTAGE SCENE - TICK TOCK MUSIC, FADE OUT BETWEEN EACH PAIR JIM    A princess is any daughter of a sovereign. What is a princess royal? FREDA    The eldest daughter of a sovereign. SOUND    APPLAUSE JIM    Is a Kodiak a kind of simple box camera; a type of double-bowed boat; or a type of Alaskan bear? FREDA    A bear. SOUND    APPLAUSE JIM    And finally, who directed the 1925 silent film "The Crowd?" FREDA    King Vidor. JIM    [shaken] Very good.  That was a tough one.  Don Phillips, tell the lady what she's won! DON PHILLIPS    [in the background]  You get a lovely modern cyber-electric garbage disposal and a lovely gas range, provided by Savannah Ranges of Burbank. JIM    Gertie?  What just happened? GERTIE    I dunno!  The impossible? SOUND    FREDA APPROACHES FREDA    Mr. Parsons?  Perhaps you could help me carry my prizes to the car.  After all this is finished. JIM    [almost robotic] Of course. FREDA    You're such a nice fellow. GERTIE    You're what?  [incredulous] Helping?  Jim? JIM    [snapping back, searching for an excuse] I ... I just have to find out who put her up to this. GERTIE    Sure. MUSIC SURGES, THEN RECEDES DON PHILLIPS    join us tomorrow for another round of Parlor Quiz! GERTIE    Jim!  Morty Howard of Savannah Ranges has been calling for the last twenty minutes, to confirm the win, and wants an assurance that he won't have to shell out another one for at least three months. JIM    Later.  SOUND    HE TROTS OFF GERTIE    [calling after him] Jim? SOUND    OUTSIDE DOOR OPENS.  DISTANT TRAFFIC JIM    [calling] Mrs. Dunny? FREDA    [satisfied chuckle]  JIM    I want to talk to you! FREDA    When do I get the gas stove? JIM    uh... It should be delivered in a few days. Did you leave us your address? FREDA    Oh, yes.  My Philadelphia address, that is. I don't even remember my address at home any more. JIM    Come, now, Mrs. Dunny. You don't have to keep up that Mars business now that we're off the air. FREDA    It's the truth. JIM    But-- FREDA    [cutting him off] And I didn't come here just by accident.  JIM    No? FREDA    I came here to see you. JIM    Me? SOUND    PURSE OPENED, RUMMAGING, PAPER NOISE FREDA    Ah, there it is.  [up] Yes, I came to see you. And you didn't follow me out here because you wanted to. I commanded you to come. JIM    [spluttering but worried] Commanded me to come!  What for? FREDA    To prove something to you.  Do you see this piece of paper? SOUND    PAPER SHAKEN JIM    It's blank. FREDA    Well, that side is.  This side has my address. JIM    So...? FREDA    I am reading the address.  Concentrate on what I'm reading. JIM    [unable to stop] Two fifty-one South Eighth Street! FREDA    You see, it's very easy - once you get the hang of it. JIM    Oh.  [realizing] Oh!  [beat, then kind of pleased]  Let me see you home, Mrs. Dunny.  I guess we have a lot to talk about. CLOSER OLIVIA    Now that you know how to find us, don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...      

Finding an advanced alien machine could change the course of history, right?

HALLOW'S EVE Good intentions may pave the way to ruin, but when Fran - a precocious 11-year old - sets out to rescue what she fervently hopes is a kidnapped child, Halloween may never be the same! Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Fran - E. Vickery Bobbie - M. Lane Officer Hooper - S. Connor Grigg - C. Hornaday Bool - B. Poole Kidnappers - J. Harvey & Mr.  Synyster Timmy & Billy - B. Lomatewama & R. LeBoeuf Mrs. Hooper - A. Kirby Thompson - S. Hoverson Ari & News Report - J. Hoverson Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Photo: Jeff Mackay (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com)   "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a suburban street, where else would you find...goblins?"   ***************************************** This was one of the original episodes I had ready for the 2008 Halloween season.  It's set in a sort of 1950s era of classic monster movies.  I never actually specify that, but references to bobby socks and Corliss Archer (an old time radio show) should be a bit of a clue. One silly thing I should note in here is Fred and Bob (and in other episodes June and Kathy as well) - these are my generic names for extra characters who speak but don't really have personalities, and show up in surprising numbers if you look over the cast lists for a lot of my shows.  I found that I would waste time trying to come up with interesting names for all these background characters, and lose my train of thought and it would stall my writing, so I just dub the first such characters Bob and Fred for males and June and Kathy for females, and move on.  Later, they may become more specific and get real names, but often enough they just remain half generic.  I also find it makes them slightly easier to keep track of than "man1" or "woman B" Naming characters is often half the fun.  You see me play with names in many of my shows - D. Meeks in "A Stitch in Time", where Dougie jokes about "D. Meeks inheriting de Earth," or the way so many people in the vampire world of "The Big Dark" took new "vampire names" that are some variation on the characters from Stoker's Dracula. The names of episodes are often some kind of pun or inference, as well.  Not so much Hallow's Eve, but The Big Dark is a riff on The Big Sleep (which was a euphemism for death, in the Chandler novel), and the most difficult title to explain "Crumping The Devil" - crumping being a sort of hip hop adjacent challenge dance, conflated with my vague memory of story about an old woman Mrs. Crump who was so awful the devil wouldn’t even take her. ***************************************** ALL HALLOW'S EVE Cast: Olivia, host Barbara "BOBBIE" Chandler [16], babysitter TIMMY Martin, child [9] FRAN Hooper, child [10] BILLY Jones, child [8] OFFICER HOOPER [30s] HOOPER [30s] GRIGG [alien] [adult] BOOL [alien child] FRED [30s], a thug BOB [30s], a thug ARI [8], kidnapped child THOMPSON [50s] RADIO VOICE MUSIC OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a suburban street, can't you tell?  Where else would you find "goblins"?  MUSIC     SOMETHING CHILDLIKE   SCENE 1.    OUTSIDE, STREET SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, COSTUMES BOBBIE    There you go, that one's got a light, now shh! SOUND    CRUNCHING OF LEAVES, THEN FOOTSTEPS ON WOOD. BILLY    [giggles] TIMMY    Shh! SOUND    DOORBELL RINGS.  DOOR CREAKS OPEN. THOMPSON [deep spooky voice] Yeeees? CHILDREN    Trick or Treat!!! THOMPSON [regular voice, pleased] Well, you kids!  Hey Martha, come and look, we've got a ghost and a clown and -- and what are you, little boy? FRAN    I'm a girl.  And I'm a Martian. THOMPSON [amused] Well, fancy that! An invasion right here on our street!  Martha...? MUSIC   SCENE 2.    INSIDE, HOUSE MRS. HOOPER    Looks like we've got more goblins coming, dear! SOUND    FOOTSTEPS RADIO VOICE    --in the five county manhunt for-- OFFICER HOOPER    Just a minute, hun.  Gotta see what they're saying-- RADIO VOICE    --involved in the Stanopopolus kidnapping-- [continues under] MRS. HOOPER    It's not your case.  And it's Halloween.  Just because Bobbie was kind enough to take Fran with her doesn't let you off for holiday spirit.  At least until you go on shift. SOUND    SNAP.  RADIO OFF. SOUND    DOORBELL. MRS. HOOPER    Well? MUSIC   SCENE 3.    OUTSIDE, STREET BOBBIE    Come on punkins, you must be getting tired by now! BILLY    [very tired] I'm not! TIMMY    I slept all day. FRAN    [raring to go] I only have half a bag.  We can't stop yet! BOBBIE    It's almost 9 o'clock!  No one will be up much longer.  CHILDREN    Please! BOBBIE    All right.  Three more houses.  That's all. FRAN    Big houses always have the best treats.  We should go to the Palmer's, the Winchell's and that big one on the corner. BILLY    On the corner?  But, that's ... that's the haunted house! TIMMY    Scaredy cat.  FRAN    Phooey!  It was just empty.  I saw someone moving in yesterday.  BOBBIE    If they just moved in, they're probably not-- TIMMY    Let's make Billy go into the haunted house! BOBBIE    No!  Timothy-- BILLY    No!  I don't wanna-- FRAN    Shut up!  It's not haunted.  Boys are dumb. BILLY    Not haunted? BOBBIE    Look, it's getting cold out here, so let's get a move on, whichever houses you plan to go to.  OK? MUSIC   SCENE 4.    ON PORCH SOUND    TENTATIVE KNOCK ON THE DOOR BILLY    [scared, but hiding it - relieved] No one home! FRAN    I hear something! SOUND    DOOR OPENS SLOWLY CHILDREN    [Gasp] BOBBI    Well, he looks normal enough. GRIGG    [weird foreignish accent] Help you may I? TIM    [giggles] He's funny. FRAN    We're here for candy.  Trick or treat. GRIGG    Please? BOBBIE    Oh, gosh, you're foreign aren't you?  They might not even DO trick or treat where he comes from. FRAN    You have to give us candy or we have to play a trick on you! BOBBIE    That's hardly fair if he doesn't know the rules.  Plus, you said it yourself, they just moved in. GRIGG    Candy?  Schweets?  I have-- BOOL    [child's voice, off mike, accented]  I want to go home!  I hate it here!  Take me home!  [Tails off into gibberish with lots of Ls and Ss] GRIGG    [agitated] My child.  He wants to go back to our old home.  He is not used to this one.  I should go to him. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS TIMMY    [beat] I don't want any foreign candy anyway. FRAN    Bobbie? BOBBIE    No arguments.  Time to go home. MUSIC   SCENE 5.    BOBBIE'S ROOM  SOUND    TAP ON WINDOW BOBBIE    Hank? SOUND    FOOTSTEPS BOBBIE    Hank, this is hardly-- SOUND    WINDOW OPENS BOBBIE    Who's that?  You're too short for Hank. FRAN    [whispered] It's me. BOBBIE    [sarcastic] So it's The Whisperer? FRAN    Me!  Fran! BOBBIE    Fran?  By Crosby, this is way too late for you to be out playing Halloween jokes, even on a Saturday night.  You need to get home - your parents will be worried sick. FRAN    Dad's on patrol. BOBBIE    Oh, great, then he'll be the one to arrest you for something. FRAN    Did you listen to the radio at all tonight? BOBBIE    Only Corliss Archer.  Gee, she has some trouble with-- FRAN    Argh!  The news? BOBBIE    Why? FRAN    The kidnapping news! BOBBIE    Look, let me get my penny loafers on and I'll walk you home. FRAN    The son of a Greek raccoon was kidnapped today.  No, that's not right.  Raccoon, typhoon-- BOBBIE    Tycoon? FRAN    A rich guy.  He was kidnapped from their hotel room. BOBBIE    Was he a tycoon, or just a millionaire? FRAN    [whispered with emphasis]  IT DOESN'T MATTER.  We heard him, and we need to go rescue him. BOBBIE    We did what? FRAN    The kid at the haunted house.  Screaming "I want to go home"?  Does that maybe put some thought into that teased-up skull of yours? BOBBIE    They did sound awfully foreign, but I'm not sure if it's Greek. FRAN    Well it ain't Spanish or Chinese.  Or French.  What else is there? BOBBIE    Don't say "ain't" - it ain't in the dictionary. FRAN    Are you coming, or am I going by myself? BOBBIE    Why me? FRAN    Who else?  Timmy?  [dismissive noise]  Besides, you're the only one tall enough to see in the windows.  MUSIC   SCENE 6.    OUTSIDE, YARD SOUND    CREEPING THROUGH BUSHES BOBBIE    OK, this is silly.  And dirty.  I'm walking‑‑ FRAN    No, we have to crawl!  They'll see us! BOBBIE    No one's looking! FRAN    But the window's open, they'll hear us.  [panic] Shh!  Did you hear that? BOBBIE    [beat, listening, then dismissively] No. FRAN    [grumpy] Ok.  Walk to the window.  Get spotted.  See if I care. SOUND    WALKING CAREFULLY ON GRAVEL.  BUSHES RUSTLE BOBBIE    Fran? FRAN    [off, loud whisper] I'm coming.  Keep your hair on. BOBBIE    Don't worry-- Shh! SOUND    LOUD RUSTLE SOUND    [FROM INSIDE] CLICK, FOOTSTEPS NOTE:  BOOL AND GRIG ARE INSIDE, HEARD THROUGH A WINDOW, WHILE BOBBIE AND FRAN ARE OUTSIDE. EAVESDROPPING BOOL    I down wanna be here.  Go home. GRIGG    "don't", not "down", child.  You need talk some good words, living here. BOOL    No talk.  No stay.  Home! GRIGG    Home is soon enough.  Soon as requirement is received. FRAN    [coming on, loud whisper] What are they saying? BOBBIE    Shh! BOOL    [speaks foreign] BOBBIE    Is that Greek? FRAN    Oh, sure, I'm the expert. GRIGG    [angry] English.  Need to hear normal! BOBBIE    [muttered] Like your English is so good, mister. GRIGG    People must not apprehend you are strange. FRAN    Shh. GRIGG    Sleep, child.  Dream of home. BOBBIE    Now that's just mean. SOUND    DOOR CLOSES FRAN    See?  We've got to rescue him! BOBBIE    But what if--? FRAN    What if he turns up dead like little Charlie Lindburgh?  How you gonna feel then? BOBBIE    You need to stop reading those crime books. FRAN    Argh!  Fine.  Boost me up, and you can go.  I'll figure something out! BOBBIE    No.  I-- I'll help, but only if the kid wants to come.  That's where I draw the line - if he wants to stay, then we'll just...  let your dad know and leave it at that. FRAN    Fine, but who's gonna ask him?  Better do it now, or he might fall asleep. BOBBIE    [sigh, then voice raised a bit, calling quietly] Little boy?  BOOL    [off, gasp] BOBBIE    We're here to -- FRAN    [prompting, whisper] --to take you home. BOBBIE    We're here to take you home! BOOL    [off] Home? SOUND    SCUFFLE AS HE ROLLS OUT OF BED AND RUNS TO THE WINDOW FRAN    Yes, home!  Don't you wanna go home? BOBBIE    Your parents must be worried sick about you. BOOL    What is *lala* parents?  Want home! FRAN    Come on then, we'll get you out of there.  Bobbie, give him a boost. BOBBIE    [sigh] MUSIC   SCENE 7.    OUTSIDE SOUND    NIGHT NOISES, WALKING ON SIDEWALK BOOL    [squeak] SOUND    MILD SCUFFLE FRAN    Put it on!  They won't look twice at us if we got masks on! BOBBIE    It is a little late for-- FRAN    So they'll worry, but they won't-- GRIGG    [way off, unearthly shriek] FRAN    Eep!  That sounds like-- BOOL    [squeak] BOBBIE    What if he has a car? FRAN    Then we duck into the bushes - honestly, does every girl lose her brains when she grows into angora? BOBBIE    It's Acrilon. GRIGG    [slightly closer, shriek] FRAN    Run! BOOL    [squeak, ends in gasp] SOUND    RUNNING FOOTSTEPS MUSIC   SCENE 8.    OUTSIDE, A LITTLE LATER BOBBIE    [whispered] Do you hear anything? FRAN    [listens, then whispered]  Nope. BOOL    [whispered squeak] BOBBIE    [comforting whispers]  Shh. It'll be o-k, kid.  All we have to do is get you safe and then--  [sudden thought]  Say, Fran, what is the plan?  Where are we taking this poor kid? FRAN    [whispered, sarcastic] I thought we'd just lie here under this bush until morning and hope it doesn't rain. BOOL    [a bit too loud] What is *lala* rain? BOBBIE    Rain makes-- [whispered] Rain makes you wet.  We should take him to your father.  He'll know what to do to get him home. BOOL    [plaintive wail, way too loud] Home!  FRAN    [whispered] Great.  Now you've set him off again.  We can't go to pop, cause - being a cop and all - he might just deduce I sneaked out.   BOOL    Holme! Home! BOBBIE    [whispered] Well, you did. FRAN    [exasperated noise, then] Ssh! BOOL    Home-- [cut off in mid-word as a hand is clapped over his mouth, then a squeak] FRAN    [whispered] His parents must be worried sick about him--  we need to get him h-o-m-e. BOBBIE    [whispered] To Greece?  [sarcastic]  I'm pretty sure my folks' car doesn't have that much gas.  FRAN    [whispered] See?  There's still a little smarts under all that fluff!  They're stopping at a hotel downtown. BOBBIE    [whispered] Which one? FRAN    [whispered] The news didn't say - there can't be that many, can there? BOBBIE    [exasperated] Ohhhh! BOOL    [muffled squeak] GRIGG    [distant, shriek] FRAN    [whispered] What is that weird guy doing?  He's not exactly sneaky. BOBBIE    [whispered] Someone's going to-- SOUND    CAR PULLS UP, SINGLE WHOOP OF SIREN FRAN    [normal voice, resigned] --Call my dad.  BOBBIE    It's probably for the best - this bush isn't doing my Acrilon any good. FRAN    All right, but-- GRIGG    [closer, shriek] BOOL    [squeak] BOBBIE    It's all right little boy, we won't let the scary man take you away. MUSIC   SCENE 9.    INSIDE, HOUSE SOUND    RADIO PLAYS IN BACKGROUND FRED    No way!  How could they have found us? BOB    Stay cool.  It's Halloween, it could be anything. SOUND    WINDOW SASH GOES UP BOB    [worried] Stop it. SOUND    REVOLVER HAMMER CLICKS BACK FRED    But it's parked right outside!  I'm not going down for this!  Go check on the kid. MUSIC   SCENE 10.    OUTSIDE, STREET GRIGG    [shriek] OFFICER HOOPER    Ok, that's enough. GRIGG    [caught in mid-shriek] *Haysa?*  [deep breath]  What? OFFICER HOOPER    It's much too late, even on Halloween, to be running around screaming.  Time to go home and sleep it off, pal. GRIGG    Sleep, what?  I am missing child.  Must find.  Child will listen me.  [starts to shriek] OFFICER HOOPER    [cutting off the shriek] Hey!  I'm figuring you're new around here, so you may not understand how we do things in the U-S of A, but if your kid's gone missing, you need to let the authorities - that's me - know about it, so we - I - can help you. GRIGG    Help?  Too many wordsssss.  [wail] Bool! BOOL    [slightly off, squeak] OFFICER HOOPER    Eh? FRAN    [slightly off] SHH! OFFICER HOOPER    What the--? GRIGG    Bool! OFFICER HOOPER     Fran? SOUND    GUNSHOT BOBBIE    [Scream] BOOL    [squeak, quickly muffled] GRIGG    Bool! OFFICER HOOPER    Get down! FRAN    Bobbie, get the kid out of here! OFFICER HOOPER    That you, Barbara Chandler?  Don't you move a muscle! SOUND    GUNSHOT GRIGG    [voice no longer sounds remotely human] WHAT IS THAT NOISE? OFFICER HOOPER    Stay down, sir, and let me handle this. SOUND    QUICK GRAPPLE GRIGG    [intense] YOU ME TELL - IS WEAPON?  HURT MY CHILD? BOBBIE    Heavens to Bette Davis, Fran, it's the kid's real dad! FRAN    Phooey. BOOL    [long squeak] OFFICER HOOPER    [forced calm, but furious underneath] As long as they stay behind my car there, they will be fine, now let go of me and let me stop the idiot who's been shooting up my town. GRIGG    SHOOT ARE GUN ARE DANGER?  OFFICER HOOPER    That's my job.  You stay here, and when it's clear, you can go to your kid.  [raising his voice] Bobbie!  You get those children down behind the car, you hear?  BOBBIE    Yes, sir, Officer Hooper! OFFICER HOOPER    [calling] You're still in trouble.  [to Grigg] You. Stay. MUSIC   SCENE 11.    INSIDE, HOUSE SOUND    RADIO PLAYS UNDER BOB    You idiot!  They weren't here for us! FRED    They won't take me alive!  Federal pen?  Uh-uh! BOB    Fine.  You play at O-K Corral.  I'll be out of the line of fire. FRED    [cold, commanding] Don't. BOB    What?  You gonna shoot me, now? FRED    Bring the kid out here.  We can still do this. BOB    Yeah, we give him back, and they take us alive.  I like that - the being alive part. FRED    Get him! MUSIC   SCENE 12.    OUTSIDE HOUSE OFFICER HOOPER    Throw out your guns and come out with your hands up! FRED    [calling from inside] We've got the kid.  Walk away or we kill him. OFFICER HOOPER     [calling to off]  That's not going to happen.  Let the kid go and I'll put in a good word for you. FRED     [from inside] I've got all the words I need, copper! ARI    [from inside] ow! FRAN    That must be the real Greek tyfoon's son, OFFICE HOOPER    [warning] Fran!?  I told you to-- FRAN    Pop!  I'm going to be a policeman when I grow up, so I figure I should start learning. OFFICER HOOPER    No, you're not, and you shouldn't.  This isn't a game.  Get back over there-- SOUND    GUNSHOT BOTH    [react] FRAN    He hasta run out of bullets ... eventually. OFFICER HOOPER    And how many guns does he have? FRAN    Huh?  [shrug] I dunno. [realizing] Oh. OFFICER HOOPER    See?  Now, get back-- SOUND     GUNSHOT OFFICER HOOPER    [fading out] Oh, heck.  Stay right here.  On this spot, young lady. MUSIC   SCENE 13.    INSIDE, HOUSE, BUT HEARD FROM OUTSIDE SOUND    RADIO PLAYS UNDER BOB    [fading in] You've got the kid, you've got the gun.  Let me go. FRED    Like you say, I've got the kid and the gun - what do I need you around for, ya bum? BOB    Good.  [raising his voice] I'm coming out coppers!  I'm giving myself up!  SOUND     FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENS   SCENE 14.    OUTSIDE, SHIFT OF PERSPECTIVE, BUT NO ACTUAL SCENE BREAK BOB    Don't shoot! SOUND     BOB TAKES THREE MORE STEPS, THEN-- SOUND    GUNSHOT BOB    Argh! SOUND    BODY FALLS SOUND     DOOR SLAMS MOMENT OF SILENCE   FRAN    Is that guy ... dead? OFFICER HOOPER    Dammit, I can't even go check.  GRIGG    [incoherent, alien tongue] OFFICER HOOPER    Oh, jeez, not you too?  [speaking slow]  Go back.  Your child is safe.  Bobbie has him, over there. GRIGG    [deep breath, then equally slowly]  This you child? FRAN    I'm Fran.  I'm really really sorry about-- OFFICER HOOPER    Yes.  Much as I may want to deny it, she has my nose. FRAN    [not getting it]  Huh? GRIGG    Much words.  You child? FRAN    He don't speak much English, do he?  OFFICER HOOPER    [sigh] Yes.  Mine. BOOL    [squeak] SOUND    SKITTERING FOOTSTEPS SOUND    GUNSHOT BOOL    [Screamy squeak] SOUND    BODY DROP FRAN    [running off] Hey! Kid! OFFICER HOOPER    Fran!  No! SOUND    [after a moment]  SCUTTLING COMING CLOSER FRAN    [breathing hard] Here.  I think he's OK. BOOL    [whimpering] GRIGG    My child! OFFICER HOOPER    Fran, dammit! FRAN    What?  He coulda got shot! MUSIC   SCENE 15.    INSIDE, HOUSE SOUND    RADIO ON IN BACKGROUND FRED    Kid, you speak English? ARI    A little. FRED    You know I'm gonna shoot you if you don't do everything I say? ARI    Yes. FRED    Good.  MUSIC   SCENE 16.    OUTSIDE GRIGG    Your child is brave heart.  OFFICER HOOPER    That's one word for it. GRIGG    She bring safe my Bool. OFFICER HOOPER    Um, yeah.  Dammit.  I can't tell where that guy is. GRIGG    Some child is hurted there? FRAN    Stolen.  Like we did, except we were only trying to help. GRIGG    [decisive] I help bring child to home. OFFICER HOOPER    At least you're an adult, even if you can't understand English.  [talking loud again] We go in.  You go left - that way - I go right.  Get to wall, up against it, then to door. GRIGG    Ahhhh. OFFICER HOOPER    Does he understand? FRAN    I guess.  He's nodding. OFFICER HOOPER    You don't come with us. FRAN    But I-- OFFICER HOOPER    Give me your hand. FRAN    Are you giving me a gun? OFFICER HOOPER    [heavy sigh] SOUND    HANDCUFFS SLAP ON WRIST, THEN ON DOOR HANDLE FRAN    Hey! OFFICER HOOPER    Now you'll stay put.  [sigh] I'm leaving the key here, in case. SOUND    KEY PUT DOWN ON CAR OFFICER HOOPER    Out of reach.  [loud, to Grigg] We go. SOUND    RUNNING FEET, OFF IN TWO DIRECTIONS SOUND    AFTER THEY LEAVE, JINGLE OF STRUGGLING WITH HANDCUFFS FRAN    [grunting]  Uun uun.  Darn it.  SOUND    SCRABBLING ON THE CAR HOOD, TRYING TO STRETCH FRAN    Hey, Bool? BOOL    Bool! FRAN    Yeah, [talking slow] I'm Fran.  BOOL    Flan? FRAN    Good enough.  Can you hand me that?  BOOL    [Hmm noise] FRAN    [slowly again] Give to me? BOBBIE    [coming on]  You're still here!  Let's get going. SOUND    REACTION INCLUDING RATTLE OF THE HANDCUFFS FRAN     How'd you--? BOBBIE    I went around the block.  I'm no dummy. FRAN    Brilliant!  We should-- BOBBIE    You are not talking me into any more shenanigans. FRAN    [whispered] Bool, get the key!  [Up]  Huh?  No, of course not... I -- BOBBIE    Are you -- chained to the car? BOOL    Kaaaay? FRAN    [too bright] No!  Whatever gave you that idea?  [whispered]  Bool! BOBBIE    Oh-- SOUND    SMALL METAL SCRAPE BOBBIE    --so this isn't the key? FRAN    Oh -- Drat!  BOOL    [squeak] FRAN    Boo-ul! MUSIC   SCENE 17.    OUTSIDE, AROUND HOUSE SOUND    RUSTLE IN A BUSH OFFICER HOOPER    [muttered]  Ok, mister rat bastard kidnapper, let me get a look atcha. GRIGG    [off]  Go? OFFICER HOOPER    [muttered] Oh, good, you know one word. [up, calling very quietly]  Make a noise! GRIGG    [shriek] SOUND    [OFF] CLATTER INSIDE FRED    [from inside] What the hell--?  OFFICER HOOPER    Come out of there with your hands up! FRED    [from inside] What's that noise? GRIGG    [shriek] OFFICER HOOPER    [sudden idea] Uh, what noise?  I don't hear anything. FRED    [from inside] What do you mean--?  You didn't hear that-- GRIGG    [shriek] FRED    [from inside] --that "THAT"? OFFICER HOOPER    [very pleased] Nope.  Don't hear anything. They say some people are bothered more than others by [slight chuckle] haunted houses. FRED    [a bit disturbed] Haunted--? MUSIC   SCENE 18.    OUTSIDE AT CAR BOBBIE    If I unlock it, you have to come home. FRAN    [sounding almost teary]  But- but our dads are in there. BOBBIE    That's what your dad does.  It's his job. FRAN    But it's not Bool's dad's job. BOBBIE    Bool?  Is that your name? BOOL    [sounding mournful] Chob.  FRAN    See? He's upset too. BOBBIE    Is he?  Tell you what, I'll get you home and then we'll call for more police. FRAN    [sniffing]  But I was thinking... tsch.  ohhhh. SOUND    THREE METAL TAPS - key on car BOBBIE    [thinking...]  What? FRAN    [sounding really down] Nothing.  Unlock me and we'll go home - [offhanded] even if we maybe COULD help. BOBBIE    Right. FRAN    Even if maybe our dads end up shot.  [long sniff] BOOL    [squeaky sniff] SOUND    UNLOCKING HANDCUFF BOBBIE    Come on. MUSIC   SCENE 19.    INSIDE, HOUSE SOUND    SHUFFLING FEET AS FRED PACES NERVOUSLY, DRAGGING ARI BACK AND FORTH WITH HIM SOUND    RADIO IN BACKGROUND FRED    [to self] Haunted?  Of course.  That explains so much. ARI    Maybe there is ghosts? FRED    That's what haunted means, ain't it?  And it's Halloween. OFFICER HOOPER    [from outside]  It's late, pal.  Almost the witching hour.  Let's get this sorted out. FRED    Witching--?  OFFICER HOOPER    [from outside]  You know, midnight.  Let's settle this and get that kid home safe and sound. FRED    You're going to tell me I can still get out of this, huh?  What about Bob out there? OFFICER HOOPER    Oh, your friend here? FRED    Friend.  [snort]  yeah. OFFICER HOOPER    Hmm.  Killing him on the doorway of house like that might a been a bad move. FRED    Whadda you mean?  Oh! GRIGG    [long, drawn-out shriek] FRED    Oh!! SOUND    RUSTY CREAK OF DISTANT DOOR, INSIDE FRED    What the heck? ARI    [scared]  Oh no! FRED    Shut up, kid.  I'm trying to listen, you hear me? ARI    [gasp and sniff- trying to stay quiet] FRED    [trying to convince himself] It's those cops.  They're doing this - [up, calling] You're doing this, aintcha, copper? OFFICER HOOPER    Doing what? FRED    [clinging to control] Making the damn noises! OFFICER HOOPER    [pleased with himself] What noises? MUSIC   SCENE 20.    INSIDE, HOUSE, UPSTAIRS [NOTE, THEY WHISPER THROUGHOUT SCENE] SOUND    CREAKING MOVEMENT BOBBIE    [whispered] Frannie, if any of us end up dead, it is entirely your fault.  That door was so loud. FRAN    On purpose.  C'mon, the stairs are over here. BOBBIE    How do you know?  This house-- FRAN    Sleepover two years ago, when Jennie and Sam lived here. BOBBIE    Your father is going to kill me. FRAN    We'll be upstairs - well out of the line of fire.  Now c'mon. BOOL    'mon. FRAN    See, Bool agrees with me. BOBBIE    Yeah.  Like a parrot.  [sigh] SOUND    TIPTOEING FOOTSTEPS MUSIC   SCENE 21.    INSIDE, HOUSE, DOWNSTAIRS SOUND    RADIO MUTTERS IN BACKGROUND FRED    [muttering]  They've probably got the back door covered... ARI    [small voice] You should let me go.  FRED    [about to hit him] Ahh!  SOUND    CREAKING FOOTSTEPS SOUND IN WALL AND CEILING FRED    Shh!  Hell!  What's that? ARI    [scary whisper] Evil spirits.  FRED    [gulp] Really? ARI    Maybe it is your dead friend.  He is very angry, I think. FRED    [weak] Shut up. SOUND    THEIR SCUFFLING FOOTSTEPS FRED    We'll just - Let's go check it out, eh?  I bet even ghosts don't like getting shot. MUSIC   SCENE 22.    INSIDE, HOUSE, UPSTAIRS [NOTE:  STILL WHISPERING] FRAN    OK, Bool, you see this vent? BOOL    See. BOBBIE    Great, now he's Spanish.  FRAN    Sh.  Bool, lean in and make a scary noise, like this...  [she does, and the noise echoes through the vents] BOOL    [like a laugh] Ah!  [leans in, mimics her noise, but it ends in his standard squeak - all echoey] BOBBIE    Did we ever figure out where Bool and his dad come from? FRAN    This isn't the time.  C'mon.  Now, Bobbie,  you creak this door - not too often, just from time to time.  Got it? MUSIC   SCENE 23.    OUTSIDE NEAR FRONT DOOR OFFICER HOOPER    OK, fella, time to come out.  [a beat]  Are  you in there?  [beat]  Oh, darn it all to--, they're gone.  Come on - [slow] help me break in the door. GRIGG    [yes] *Heh*. MUSIC   SCENE 24.    INSIDE, HOUSE, UPSTAIRS FRAN    I'll be right across the hall - now start. SOUND    DOOR OPENS FRAN    Eep! BOBBIE     Oh, no! BOOL     [squeak, which echoes] FRED    Ghosts, eh.  Looks like I got me a bunch more bargaining chips.  All of you move out here in the hall, real slow.  [snarls] Get over there-- ARI    [gasp] SOUND    THUD AS HE HITS THE WALL FRED    Keep your hands where I can see 'em! FRAN    [sarcastic] Of course, I might just have a gun. SOUND    SMACK FRED    Keep your mouth shut! FRAN    [gasps in real pain] BOOL    [mimics her gasp] FRED    You, too! BOOL    Flan! [squeaky growl]  Lalalala! FRED    What the hell's wrong with that kid? BOOL    [growl builds] FRED    [starting to get freaked out] Stop it.  What the hell? BOBBIE    Fran, is Bool glowing? FRAN    [sniff, then uncertain] Um, I think so. BOOL    [shriek which is a childish echo of Grigg's] FRED    [scream of terror] SOUND    GUNSHOT BOBBIE, BOOL, FRAN, ARI - scream, gasp, etc. SOUND    POUNDING FEET COMING UP THE STAIRS GRIGG    [full-on shriek, deeper and very alien] OFFICER HOOPER    Holy cow!  What the--? FRED    The light!   No!  [drawn out scream, which fades into a weird little popping noise] BOBBIE    I guess we--[gasp] might know--[gasp] where they came from, now. OFFICER HOOPER    [suspicious] Where'd he go? GRIGG    I made him nothing.  He try my child hurt.  Your child also. OFFICER HOOPER    Yeah, I, uh, noticed--  FRAN    [excited] Are you guys Martians? OFFICER HOOPER    [exasperated] --but she's clearly fine. GRIGG    I know not Marchan. BOOL    [Part muffled, satisfied] Flan! FRAN    [just as pleased]  Bool! BOBBIE    I don't know what to tell you, Mister - officer, I mean - Hooper.  OFFICER HOOPER    Don't worry, I blame my daughter.  [Back to Grigg]  So we don't have to worry about him coming back? GRIGG    Nothing.  No colme back. OFFICER HOOPER    And what exactly - well - are you? ARI    They saved us, is that not enough? FRAN    Yeah.  They're "good people," as mom would say. GRIGG    No concern, Hooper man.  We no stay now, you see us be do that.  We find more - uh - new home. BOOL    Home?  No!  [plaintive] Flan! GRIGG    [softly] No, Bool.  Go. OFFICER HOOPER    Tell me one thing, Grigg.  You planning to invade? GRIGG    *Haysa*? FRAN    He means are you gonna bring a bunch of people here and try and take over the planet - like in the movies? GRIGG    We hide - no one come with.  Bad place come away.  Alone. FRAN    There! BOBBIE    Are you thinking--? OFFICER HOOPER    [considering] I'm thinking I don't want to try writing this up.  Much easier if we just didn't see anything.  The one guy shot the other, then when he saw it was hopeless, he skedaddled. BOBBIE    But--  what--? FRAN    I didn't see anything.  You, Ari? ARI    No.  I was much too frightened.  He threw me against a wall and then ran off before my head cleared. FRAN    See, Bobbie? BOOL    Bah-bee? BOBBIE    That's kinda cute.  Good thing I-- I didn't see anything else.  Besides, anyone who would do whatever it takes to protect their kid - well, they can't be too bad. OFFICER HOOPER    You're still not babysitting for Fran ever again. BOBBIE    [truly relieved] Oh!  Thank you! FRAN    Hey! MUSIC, CLOSING OLIVIA    Now that you know how to find us, don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...

The finale chapter!!! Yay!  

QUESTIONS IN A DARK ROOM Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Carol wakes in a strange dark room, with a man she's never seen before - and when the questions start to fly, there's lives at stake. CAST Carol - Beverly Poole Thaddeus - Cole Hornaday Madame Foulet - Julie Hoverson Tour Guide - Julie Hoverson Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Sound effects found on Soundsnap.com Cover Photos:  Front - Nazareth Maceda  (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a residential hotel, sometime between the two World Wars, can't you tell?" ****************************************** QUESTIONS IN A DARK ROOM   Cast: [Olivia, host] Carol (20F), urban songbird Thaddeus (20-30M), deep south Madame Foulet (50-60F), calm older lady Crowd Noise (any) Tour Guide (any) OLIVIA    Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a residential hotel, can't you tell? MUSIC CREEPS IN NOTE:  there are no definite "scene changes" in this episode - characters slide in and out of scenes without any break until the very end.  Scene changes are marked only when Foulet enters and leaves   SCENE 1.   DARK ROOM, SLIGHTLY ECHOEY, NO SPECIFIC ERA.  CAROL SPEAKS LIKE SOMEONE FROM THE 1920s, THADDEUS IS FROM THE 1860S DEEP SOUTH CAROL   [waking up noises]  Mmm.  Oh.  [suddenly sitting up]  What!  [panicking]  Where-- THADDEUS   Don' you worry none.  You safe now. CAROL   Safe?  Why--?  Who are you?  I-I don't know you.  [rising hysteria]  Is this... your room?  THADDEUS   Calm yourself, now, miss.  I be all the way over here.  No threat to you, I promise.  CAROL   But I -- how did I get here?  What's going on?  [whimper of pain]  Ahh!  My side.  What.. happened? THADDEUS   Probly a bruise.  You was attacked, miss.  In the stairs.  I spect he hit you some.  I got you outta there and din't have no other place to put you.  You been out cold. CAROL   [calming a bit, but still in pain]  You rescued me?  [deep breath]  Oh, goodness that hurts.  Well, thank y--  [sharp]  In the stairs, you said? THADDEUS   Yes miss.  I heared you start--  Well, I heared it when you screamed.  The stairwell, it echoes somethin fierce. CAROL   I guess I'm lucky you were there. THADDEUS   Well, I was kind of listenin fer you, miss. CAROL   Listening? THADDEUS    [aw shucks]  I got a lot of time on my hands during days, and one time a while back I heared you singin in there, so sometimes I jest ... wait. CAROL   [pleased and embarrassed]  Oh.  Thank you.  But--  But, do you think -- the creep who attacked me... was...? THADDEUS   I don' see the papers much, miss, but even I heared about that there Stairway Stabber.  I'm pretty sure that was the fella, all right. CAROL   They say he's already killed at least eight girls! THADDEUS   That they do.  At least. CAROL   Oh!  Oh, goodness.  I - I could have been murdered!  THADDEUS   [quiet]  Yes'm. CAROL   You saved me?  THADDEUS   I did what I could, miss.  You was right out before I done got there. CAROL   I -- I don't remember ... well, anything, really.  Um, what should I call you?  Your name.  I mean.  THADDEUS   I understand, miss.  You can call me Thaddeus.  Tha's my name. CAROL   And you live in my building? THADDEUS   More years'n I care to count.  I mostly jest keep an eye on things.  Don' you worry now, I don' take up much space. CAROL   I didn't mean to imply-- THADDEUS   It's understandable, miss.  I don' much look like I belong here. CAROL   Please.  I don't want to sound like a snob.  I'm really just overwhelmed.  And you can call me Carol, if you'd like.  I mean, you don't have to call me "miss" all the time. THADDEUS   I'd be right pleased to, Miss Carol. CAROL   [forced laugh]  Just Carol, Thaddeus.  No miss.  Please. THADDEUS   Don' seem quite respectful, miss Carol.   SCENE 2.   MADAME   [filter]  Is there anyone here? THADDEUS   By golly, she early. CAROL   What was that? THADDEUS   This lady wanna ask about what happened.  She with the police. CAROL   But I don't remember-- THADDEUS   And I din't see much, but we gots to talk to her.  You gon' be all right?  I can hep you. CAROL   [standing]  Well, I'm a little wobbly, but I'm game, I guess.  SOUND:   SLOW FOOTSTEPS  CAROL   But, my head -- it's amnesia.  I'm sure of it. THADDEUS   You might be surprised what all come back to you if a body ask the right questions.  Come on now. SOUND   Door opens.  Footsteps continue. CAROL   Why is the room so dark?  I can barely see her. NOTE:     [unless otherwise mentioned, Madame sounds very calm and speaks almost in a sing song voice.] MADAME   Ah.  [deep breath]  I mean you no harm.  Please come and speak with me.  Am I addressing Carol Bournemouth? CAROL   Why yes.  [to Thaddeus]  Did you--  [puzzled]  Oh... no, I only just told you my name. THADDEUS   I said she with the police.  She know a lot. MADAME   Carol, I want to hear what happened to you yesterday. CAROL   Yesterday?  I was knocked out for a whole day? THADDEUS   Shh now, and answer, miss Carol. CAROL   Oh.  I really don't....  I don't remember a darn thing.  He -- Thaddeus -- said I was attacked in the stairwell.  I think I was hit on the head.  SOUND   Very distant sound of someone knocking on a door. CAROL   Amnesia.  I don't remember a thing!  Really! MADAME   Calm down, Carol.  There is no need to--  CAROL   I'm...sorry.  MADAME   Ah, good.  Everything is all right now.  You are safe.  It is safe to remember.  Think of it like a movie, and you are the projector.  The projector can stop a movie, Carol.  The projector can simply freeze on a single frame, and the movie never has to reach its end.  Have you ever seen that happen, Carol? CAROL   Why is she talking like that?  THADDEUS   Can they really just up and stop a movin' picture?  That would be somethin' to see. CAROL   Not very exciting, really.  It's -- well, it's just a slide, then.  MADAME   [sharp]  Carol!  [calm again]  I need you to concentrate.  What is the last thing you remember? CAROL   [pain]  Oh!  [deep breaths] SOUND   Knocking on door again. THADDEUS    Just a minute, ma'am.  She got a stitch. MADAME   Relax Carol.  Relax.  Remember, you are the projector, and the movie can stop long before anything unpleasant happens.  Just take it one frame at a time, Carol.  Do you remember going into the stairwell?  Picture the door for me.  You push open the door and step in.  There are five flights of stairs below you, but you walk them every day, don't you?  You walk them-- CAROL   It's slimming.  MADAME   You begin to walk down the stairs, just as usual.  One step, then another. CAROL   The way she talks-- MADAME   You pass the fourth floor door.  Nothing there for you.  THADDEUS   She just tryin to help. MADAME   One brisk step in front of another-- CAROL   [getting agitated]  But it's like-- it's like she's trying to hypnotize me! SOUND   Knocking on door, slightly louder. MADAME   Passing the baby carriage the Joneses leave tucked into the corner of the third floor landing-- THADDEUS   Don' know nothin 'bout that, but I spect she think it'a help you 'member what happened. MADAME   All the way around to the next set of stairs-- CAROL   STOP IT.  I don't want to be hypnotized!  I don't want to--  [pain] Aaagh!  Whatever happened, I don't want to remember it, you hear?  Do you HEAR me? SOUND   Muffled and distant:  Strange thumping and crashing noises.  Particularly, a noise like someone pounding on a door, and a crash of a broken glass.   SCENE 3.   THADDEUS   Shh, listen, miss Carol.  Shh. CAROL   What was that?  Something broke? THADDEUS   Don't pay it no mind.  They's some noisy neighbors in this building. CAROL   But-- It's-- it's gone now. THADDEUS   Yes'm.  Never lasts.  Just so long as someone done got a mad on.  Then it blow over.  CAROL   Oh. THADDEUS   You gon' try and answer the lady, now? CAROL   What?  No, no Thaddeus, I can't.  I don't remember anything, and when I try, oh, it hurts!  THADDEUS   Look around.  Ain't no one here gon' hurt you, and that there pain in your side - well, a bruise is jest a bruise, ain't it?  Whatever caused it, that's all over now, and you safe.  CAROL   Safe? THADDEUS   I swear'n I won't let no one touch you.  The lady, she jest tryin to find out what you know so's the police can stop this fella. CAROL   Oh.  Yes, you said she's with the police. THADDEUS   Since I never saw none of his face, you the only one who can help.  You got to help stop this fella. CAROL   She looks -- awfully tired. THADDEUS   [gently]  You been wearin her out a bit with your temper.   SCENE 4.   CAROL   Oh.  I'll try and do better.  You're-- sure it's safe? THADDEUS   She said you the projector, miss Carol, you can-- MADAME    [a bit gravelly]  Shall we continue?  Ahem.  [normal, not sing song] Carol.  If you will not help, please let me know.  I want to work you through this, but your resistance-- CAROL   I just don't know what I can do!  I'm frustrated too, you know.  I can't remember a thing about--  [realizing]  Oh. MADAME   Yes?  Continue. CAROL   I was in a hurry.  On my way to a job interview.  Or was that Tuesday? MADAME   Yesterday was Tuesday, yes. CAROL   Oh!  So I was dashing down the stairs, quick as I could -- I'm faster than the elevator, you see.  That old thing.  [chuckles]  I swear it's pulled by mice. THADDEUS    [chuckles] MADAME   Can you remember how far you got?  Did you reach the second floor landing? CAROL   Second floor.  Hmm.  I -- yes!  Little Billy from 203 keeps dropping gum wrappers in there, and I was thinking--  [gasp of pain] MADAME   [gasp of pain] SOUND   distant, barrage of knocks on a door. THADDEUS   Miss Carol?  Miss Carol, come on -- you tough.  You can do this.  No old stitch gon' slow you down.  Here, take my hand.  Right there, now you squeeze.  Squeeze out all that bad old pain.  CAROL   No!  No, I-- THADDEUS   [hiss intake of breath]  Good.  You keep on squeezin long as you need.  CAROL   [several quick breaths, then one deep one]  I think  --  Thaddeus, I think that's when he hit me.  He must have hit me real hard. MADAME   [deep breath]  Carol.  I need to stop for now.  I will return soon.  While I'm gone, can you try and remember? CAROL   I'll try... MADAME   Goodbye.  [NO footsteps or door] SOUND   brief, vague rumble of voices, nothing clear.   SCENE 5.   CAROL   Are they having a party? THADDEUS   Who? CAROL   Your neighbors. THADDEUS   Might could be.  You doin' all right? CAROL   Sorry to be such a baby about all this.  When it hurts - well it really hurts. THADDEUS   I know.  Get myself the same thing in my neck sometimes. CAROL   Oh?  [beat, changing subject]  So, do you know her?  The woman asking the questions? THADDEUS    A bit.  She Madame Foulet and work for police, I do know that.  Some years back, she asked me a coupla questions.  CAROL   About what? THADDEUS    Somethin I seen ... way back when.  CAROL   She seems kind of old to be a police matron or whatever she is.  THADDEUS   She one of a kind, I guess.  they cain't afford to retire her. CAROL   Is she a hypnotist?  Was I right? THADDEUS   I don' know nothin about that, miss.  I spect you probly mostly right. CAROL   [decisive]  Well.  If I want this guy caught - and boy do I want him caught, especially if he's the one who killed all those girls - I better get cracking and remember something. SOUND   pacing footsteps CAROL   In the movies, if you hit your head and get amnesia, you can hit your head again to get your memory back.  THADDEUS   I don' guess it work that way in real life, miss. CAROL   I have got to stop being a whiny baby about this - after all, I survived, didn't I? THADDEUS   [dubious]  Well-- CAROL   So, it's all in the past and I shouldn't be frightened.  Oh.  SOUND:     PACING STOPS CAROL   Unless he decides to come back -- to make sure I can't identify him. THADDEUS   He won't never find you now.  I promise you that. CAROL   Really?  You didn't...  THADDEUS   Din't what, miss? CAROL   No, no.  You said you never even-- THADDEUS   [amused]  You thinkin I mighta kilt him?  I know I'm a big fella, but I cain't-- CAROL   I meant it as a compliment. THADDEUS   I guess so.  CAROL   Did you have to ... fight him off?  I mean, to save me? THADDEUS    [distinctly uncomfortable]  Nah.  When he caught sight a me, he jest run.  CAROL   [smiling]  You do look pretty intimidating. THADDEUS   Nah.  Look, you should be tryin' t'member-- CAROL   [sigh]  I know, but this takes my mind off it.  I figure, it's like a word at the tip of your tongue.  When you THINK about it SO HARD that you feel like your brain may be squeezed out your ears, it never comes.  Then, the minute your mind is off it, voila!  The word tumbles right out. THADDEUS   That sounds 'bout right. CAROL   I need to get into the stairwell.  That'll really jog my memory. SOUND   Rapid footsteps.  Doorknob turns, but doesn't open. CAROL   What?  Why is the door locked?  THADDEUS   I reckon it's jest stuck, miss.  [worried] But you really don' wanna go into the stairwell.  I- I promise you that. CAROL   Open this door!  I don't like being locked in here-- THADDEUS   With me? CAROL   What?  No, no.  No-- It's got nothing to do with you, Thaddeus.  I like you.  I just [SOUND: pounds once on door] don't [pound] like [pound, weakening] being [more of a smack] locked [tap] in [tap].   SCENE 6.   MADAME   [slightly off mike] Good.  We can begin again. CAROL   What?  Where'd she...? THADDEUS   Madame said she jest needed a lil break.  She didn't say she was goin' off no place. CAROL   But she was gone. THADDEUS   It's real dark in here.  I never heared her go.  CAROL   Then she must have listened to everything we said. THADDEUS   I spect she jest shut up her eyes and her ears and took a lil nap, miss.  MADAME   May we proceed? CAROL   [sigh] Yes.  [fierce] Yeah, I want this fiend drawn and quartered! SOUND   distant brief chuckle, like several people in another room. MADAME   Now, Carol.  We'll start with something easy.  I want you to be comfortable.  I want you to remember something very pleasant.  CAROL   Pleasant? MADAME   Think back to a time when you were happy. CAROL   [thinking]  Oh! No, no - that's too silly.  MADAME   The first thing that comes to mind, Carol. CAROL   Well, I was very sick once, when I was little - measles, I think, but I don't remember too well - Just the itching.  Oh, how it itched!  Mama gave me sweet tea each night she came home and didn't see any scratches on me.  If I could just control myself, I could have sweet tea.  [pause] Of course, I fooled her - I learned to scratch around. THADDEUS   Scratch around? CAROL   Yes.  Maybe it was chicken pox.  But anyway, if you scratch around the spots, it stops some of the itch, but doesn't look like you've been scratching.  THADDEUS   Your best memory is of feelin poorly? CAROL   No, don't be silly.  She just asked me for a memory of a happy time, and it was... oddly enough.  I got sweet tea, AND I fooled my mother.  [giggle] SOUND   distant chuckles CAROL   Sounds like they're having a whale of a time over there. MADAME   Very good Carol.  You sound like you feel better now.  I need you to keep this feeling of well-being with you while we try again. CAROL   I still don't think it will work. THADDEUS   Try. CAROL   All right. MADAME   Ignore any pain.  Ignore any fear.  Ignore any interruptions.  Ignore any distractions.  We must find this man.  We must find him and stop him.  [beat]  You have just reached the second floor landing.  What do you see, Carol? CAROL   [breathing rapidly]  I see the gum wrappers.  Little brat.  Then a shadow.  I hardly ever see people - oh! - on the stairs.  [groans]  MADAME   Continue, please. THADDEUS   Take my hand, Carol, jest like before.  Thass a girl. SOUND   very distant knocking and shuffling noises. CAROL   [whining gasp, obviously in pain]  I turn around, and there's a flash - like sunlight on water.  MADAME   Ignore the flash.  Look only at the face.  SOUND   knocking and shuffling noises get louder, nearer. CAROL   No!  No I can't  - it hurts too much! THADDEUS   Yes you can.  You gots to.  You the only one left behind - none of them other girls can say nothin, but you - you got yourself a chance to be a hero, now.  CAROL   Are you sure he can't come back and get me? SOUND   glass breaks THADDEUS   Sure as I'm sittin here wit you, miss.  He cain't never even touch you - no way, no how. MADAME   Carol!  Stop the movie!  You need to stop it and look!  Break the film in your mind, so there IS NO END.  Nothing but the face. CAROL   No, I can't! SOUND   heavy pounding, neighbors getting upset. THADDEUS   Shh.  Shh.  You takin my hand right off, miss Carol. SOUND   ALL sounds stop abruptly. CAROL   It's a knife, isn't it? THADDEUS   Yes. CAROL    He's holding a knife, but it's on my right - my right...  Oh No!  Oh, Thaddeus, I'm-- SOUND   distant knocking begins again. THADDEUS   That ain't nothing, miss Carol.  You gots to see it's just hysteria. SOUND   Knocking gets louder CAROL   [in tears]  But I'm bleeding!  I have to get to a doctor! THADDEUS   They ain't no blood, miss.  Not a chance of it.  It's all in ya' head, see? CAROL   No, look, my side, it hurts-- THADDEUS   Shh.  I don' see no blood. SOUND   knocking begins to recede CAROL    No blood? THADDEUS   Not a bit of it.  CAROL   [deep breath]  All right.  [realization]  Oh!  But if I saw a knife in his hand, on my right, then he must be left-handed!  That's important, isn't it? MADAME   [very tired]  Very ...good.  I must have another rest.  We shall speak again.  Goodbye.   SCENE 7.    CAROL   How does she do that? THADDEUS   What? CAROL   She just -- it was like she just wrapped some of the darkness around her and vanished. THADDEUS   She probly jest turned off a light.  You doin all right? CAROL   No.  My side hurts.  I want to go home. THADDEUS   Got to finish first.  This GOT to be done. CAROL   I know, but-- [begins to weep] THADDEUS   I shore do like that song Poor Papa you sing sometimes. CAROL   [surprised]  What?  THADDEUS   I heared you sing it over and over one day, so I got it near enough memorized myself. CAROL   [sniffs, but no longer crying]  I was getting ready for an audition.  No one can hear me in the stairwell, so it doesn't bother anyone if I practice there.  THADDEUS   And that song -- that song is jest plain funny.  When mama gets to ride in the car-- CAROL   [cheering up] Oh, yes, when "papa bought a limousine, the most expensive kind, now he wears a chauffeur's suit, and mama rides behind!" THADDEUS   [laughing]  Thassa one, thassa one gets me every time.  One tough female, mama is. CAROL   You really listen to me? THADDEUS   Whenever I hears you in the stair, I'm there quick as all get out, tucked up high so's not to bother you or, well, make you afeared. CAROL   Oh, I'm not afraid of you. THADDEUS    You probly would be if'n we hadn't talked first.  CAROL   [beat] I wish I could say you were wrong.  [deep breath]  Thank you. THADDEUS   Fer what? CAROL   For the distraction. THADDEUS   [teasing]  Is that what I's doin?  I thought I was complimentin you on your singin, thass all. CAROL   Don't act dopey.  THADDEUS   You up to tryin again?  CAROL   Maybe...  Should we see if she'll come back? THADDEUS   Nah.  Jest try right here.  Maybe SHE the one makin it hard fer you to think.  You come up with somethin now, you can always tell her when she come back. SOUND   PACING CAROL   [beat]  This is futile. THADDEUS   Nah-- CAROL   [revving up]  Futile.  Pointless!  Hopeless!  THADDEUS   You know what you needs?  You needs to scratch around. CAROL   What? THADDEUS   You cain't scratch the spot what itches, cause that jest get you into trouble.  Scratch around.  CAROL   [realizing]  Thaddeus, you're brilliant!  [beat]  But, how CAN I think around--?  THADDEUS   Mebbe... you ever see them funny pictures with an artist, and he holdin up his thumb?  How bout if you hold up ya' thumb - block out the part you gots to scratch around. CAROL   I think I see -- Just look at the edges, because the middle is too scary. THADDEUS   Yes'm. CAROL   I see the door to the second floor hallway.  It's off to my left.  I see the light fixture on the wall. THADDEUS   Don' worry about no lights. CAROL   Right.  I see a [deep breath] a hat - no a cap, like a deliveryman would wear.  It's [breathes quickly for a moment]  blue- I think it's blue-- SOUND   Thud, like a body drop. THADDEUS   Calm now, Miss Carol. CAROL   --and hair, blonde?  Or maybe light brown.    SCENE 8.   MADAME   Be calm, Carol. CAROL   Yes, a deliveryman.  I remember!  I was thinking it must have been a small package, since he was coming up the stairs instead of the elevator, when-- [hollow, pained] oh! SOUND   LOUDEST thumpings and rattlings yet.  they CONTINUE until noted. CAROL   Oh! THADDEUS   S'all right. CAROL   Oh!  No, but Thaddeus-- THADDEUS   I understand.  I promise you, I do. CAROL   But-- SOUND   CRASH OF GLASS. CROWD   [reactions - gasps, a scream.] CAROL   But, he ... he killed me, didn't he?  [beat] Didn't he Thaddeus? SOUND   Deep creaking & cracking noises. CROWD   [reacts again] MADAME   Carol.  I need to end this now.  Goodbye. SOUND   Sudden silence.   SCENE 9.   CAROL   Thaddeus? THADDEUS   Yes, miss Carol? CAROL   [calm] I'm right, aren't I? THADDEUS   I spect you'd rather not be, but -- yes.  You dead, too. CAROL   Too? THADDEUS   I wished I coulda stopped him, I truly do - but they ain't nothin much a ghost can do!  Jest makin him see me was hard enough, and I was ... too late... CAROL   But, what do I do now?  Do I go somewhere? THADDEUS   [rueful laugh] If'n I had an answer fer that, miss Carol, I spect I wouldn't be here talkin wit' you. MUSIC   SCENE 10.   TOUR GUIDE   [clearly reading]  And here we are at stop number 12 on the haunted hotel tour, the Garibaldi Residential Suites -- rumored to be home to a plethora of ghosts, including a baby in the basement, a chain rattling spook in suite 405, a runaway slave, and the poor girl who was the final victim of the stairway stabber - and can sometimes be heard singing in the stairwells. MUSIC OLIVIA   Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back.  Maybe next week?  Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...   "Poor Papa" lyrics by Billy Rose, 1926.     ******************************************

Be careful what you wish for. Please Ouija Please Griswold – Tom Taverna Maude – Nila Hagood Edgar – Boyd Barrett Winifrid – Julie Hoverson Nurse 1 – Rhys Torres Nurse 2 – Eleiece Krawiec News 1 – Greg Allensworth News 2 – Regan Lussier Written and produced by Julie Hoverson *************************************** This is one of my newer short audio pieces.  Another one where a single scene in some movie will stick in my head and I will come up with an entirely new story - in this case, a nurse walking away, and someone sneaking out of their rooms at night.  Can't even recall what movie it was, but the whole story came to me in an instant.  *************************************** Please Ouija Please Cast: GRISWOLD (M, elderly) leader MAUDE (F, elderly) bossy EDGAR (M, elderly) jokester WINIFRID (F, elderly) worrywart NURSE1 & 2 (any) News1 & 2 (any) MUSIC - MELANCHOLY   SCENE 1.    OLD FOLKS HOME SOUND    DOOR SHUTS VERY QUIETLY SOUND    SOFT FOOTSTEPS NURSE 1    [report, quiet] Everything's fine in here. SOUND    THEY WALK AWAY NURSE 2    The boys have been fractious tonight.  They keep claiming they have to "go home."  [chuckles sadly]  These senile cases.  At least they aren't the type to play grabsies like frat boys. NURSE 1    I'd hate for any of our oldies to get out and go missing like those kids from over the hill. NURSE 2    I know.  Who knows what could be happening to the poor little things? SOUND    THEY GO OUT A DISTANT DOOR, IT SHUTS SOUND    AFTER A MOMENT, A NEARBY DOOR OPENS MAUDE    [whispered] All clear. WINIFRID    [whispered] Do you see the boys? GRISWOLD    Psst! MAUDE    There they are.  Stay close, Winnie! SOUND    VERY SOFT SLIPPERED FOOTSTEPS MUSIC - MYSTICAL   SCENE 2.    ATTIC SOUND    MATCHES STRIKE EDGAR    [bragging] Stole these from the orderly. WINIFRID    You could have got caught! SOUND    CHALK WRITING - WITH MAUDE'S LETTERS MAUDE    A-B GRISWOLD    I was watching his back. MAUDE    C-D-E GRISWOLD    If anyone came, I was gonna fake a seizure or something.  At least til Eddie got clear. MAUDE    F-G-H-I-  [falters] uh-- WINIFRID    J-K-L MAUDE    right.  M- N- EDGAR    I couldn't find anything quite like a reader thing-- WINIFRID    A planchette. EDGAR    Yeah, one of those.  But maybe this would work. MAUDE    O-P-Q-R GRISWOLD    We don't want to take any chances.  Not again. WINIFRID    [agreeing dolefully] Nuh-uh! MAUDE    S-T-U- EDGAR    But this - I found this magnifying glass - it can circle letters. WINIFRID    They use a little drinking glass in the movies.  When they don't have a proper one. MAUDE    V-W-X- GRISWOLD    There's no time to go get anything else.  And they lock up the dining hall. EDGAR    We can all touch the edges of the magnifier.  It's big enough. MAUDE    Y-Z.  There. SOUND    WRITING ENDS WINIFRID    [anxious] Now put yes and no. GRISWOLD    And Goodbye.  NEVER forget goodbye. SOUND    WRITING AGAIN MAUDE    [sigh as she starts]  Good...bye. SOUND    DRAGGING OF MAGNIFYING GLASS ACROSS GROUND. EDGAR    See? WINIFRID    That's awful noisy.  Are you sure they won't hear? GRISWOLD    I don't think so. MAUDE    [writing, not responding] Yes. EDGAR    You always agree with Griswold. MAUDE    [writing, not responding] No. WINIFRID    Hush, Eddie. MAUDE    [finished] There.  What?  [waits] We better start.  Who knows when they'll spot we're all gone. GRISWOLD    Circle up. SOUND    SCUFFLING MOVEMENT EDGAR    We all got to touch this. SOUND    MAGNIFYING GLASS SET ON FLOOR WINIFRID    Who starts? MAUDE    Griz did it before, he has to again.  Do you remember who to call? GRISWOLD    Shh.  [in an important voice]  We are here to call on the spirits.  Are there any here? SOUND    MAGNIFYING GLASS SLIDES EDGAR    [hushed but excited]  Yes! WINIFRID    I didn't--! MAUDE    Shh!  Go on Griz. GRISWOLD    We need to speak to the spirit we found before.  The one named-- WINIFRID    It's moving. SOUND    MOVING EDGAR    Spelling something! MAUDE    U-M-A- GRISWOLD    Sh.  Don't say it if you don't have to. MAUDE    I wasn't saying it, I was-- GRISWOLD    Shh! WINIFRID    It was the same name, I was watching. EDGAR    Me too! GRISWOLD    Are you here? SOUND    MOVING EDGAR    Yes. WINIFRID    [blurting] Please let us go home! MAUDE    Shh.  You know it's not that easy. GRISWOLD    We want to reverse what happened.  Can we do that? SOUND    MOVING EDGAR    [shaky and excited] Yes! WINIFRID    [whimpers] MAUDE    How?  [prompting] Ask how? GRISWOLD    How can we reverse it? SOUND    MOVING EDGAR    K- MAUDE    I- GRISWOLD    L- WINIFRID    [whimpers, cries]  No. GRISWOLD    Who? WINIFRID    [crying]  What? GRISWOLD    [ignoring her] Who do we have to-- SOUND    MOVING MAUDE    [reading] Anyone. GRISWOLD    How many?  How many total? EDGAR    What? GRISWOLD    I don't want to get fooled again.  Is it one for all of us, or one each? SOUND    MOVING WINIFRID    I can't! MAUDE    [reading] Only One. EDGAR    Whew. WINIFRID    No! MAUDE    [sigh] We have to, or we'll be here forever. EDGAR    And forever ain't gonna last very long.  [slight whine] I want to go home, don't you, Winnie? WINIFRID    I- I-  [breaking down into tears] Y-yes.  I want mommy! MAUDE    Do we all have to,.. help?  Or can you handle it, Griz? GRISWOLD    Me?  Um.  I'll ask.  [clears throat]  Who needs to - uh - do the killing? SOUND    MOVING GRISWOLD    [reading]  No matter.  EDGAR    You make it say it clear! GRISWOLD    [commanding] If I do it - kill someone - will that count for all of us so we can go home? SOUND    MOVING - ONE SHIFT MAUDE    [sharp, reading]  Yes! GRISWOLD    Okay, then. EDGAR    [dubious] I-I- can help? GRISWOLD    I got us into this.  WINIFRID    But Edgar made the wish. EDGAR    What? MAUDE    You are the one who said we all wanted to be older. GRISWOLD    [grim] Never mind.  Let's get it over with. EDGAR    Don't forget to say-- ALL JOIN IN     Goodbye. SOUND    LONG WAIT, THEN MOVING - ONE SHIFT   MUSIC   SCENE 3.    NEWS NEWS1    Breaking news tonight is the fire at the Ronson Elder Care facility that claimed three lives.  No details at this time as to the cause of the conflagration.  More as the story develops.  NEWS2    In other, more pleasant, news, four young siblings who have been missing in the Ronson area for almost two weeks have mysteriously found their way home.  NEWS1    I'm sure we all wish them the best. MUSIC STING TO END

Chapter 8:  forget the heavy gravity, I'm booking!

MURDER WARD "Not guilty by reason of insanity" sounds like an easy out to murderer Edmund - but when he checks into Dr. Larson's mental hospital, he gets much more than he bargained for. Cast List Edmund/Achilles - Kim Turner Preacher Ronald - Pat McNally Rose Connelly - Joy Jackson Hector - Cole Hornaday Dr. Larson - Marge Lutton Terrance - Greg Porter Lawyer - Sigmund Hoverson Ape man - Reynaud LeBoeuf District Attorney - Melinda Mains Also heard - Julie Hoverson Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Sound effects found on Soundsnap.com Cover Photos:  Front - Witek Burkiewicz             (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) Recorded with American Radio Theater "What kind of a place is it?  Why, it's an insane asylum - can't you tell?  Where else would you find... a murderer?"   ************************************************************ Murder Ward This was another episode I wrote specifically in an Old Time Radio format and put together with American Radio Theater, a group that recreates old time radio shows. Parts of this story were very loosely inspired by (of all things) The Seven Keys to Baldpate, a stage play by George M. Cohen (and a film inspired by it, "The House of Long Shadows"), as was at least one other episode of my show, though in a completely separate way.  Some stories just stick with me.... Or make me think of ways I could do it better.... A big part of this particular story comes from my love of old true crime and detective stories, and how often (in fiction at least) people claim to be temporarily insane in order to get an easier sentence. I don't want to say more about this story, just will leave it up to the listener. I want to talk about how I got into podcast audio dramas. I was doing OTR re-creations with ART when Reynaud Leboeuf (one of my most reliable stock actors in 19 Nocturne Boulevard) said he'd been cast in this podcast Lovecraftian comedy soap opera called The Unspeakable and the Inhuman (which was hilarious), and that they were still looking for a female lead, and would I like to audition? Well, of course I would! I was cast, and we recorded in early 2008 at Neohoodoo Studios (Ryan's basement), and during one of these recordings, one of the other actors commented that this was so fun, they should make more shows so that we could record more.... ...and I said I have some scripts!!!! Of course, I still had to learn how to mix, and all that sort of thing, but that's basically where it started.  For most of 2008, 19 Nocturne was recorded primarily at Neohoodoo, with the help and kind permission of Ryan - and that got me good sound to work with for my beginning efforts, which made a huge difference.  Joy from ART and Ryan both showed me a few things and gave me some tips on mixing. I have to admit to being a teensy bit smug when, after Unspeakable and Inhuman kind of fell apart, I ran into the main writer Derek at a convention a few years later, and he asked me "How did you make it to so many episodes, when we never got past 9?" and I replied "I'm not a committee." I do wish Unspeakable and Inhuman was still available somewhere, but I don't think it is.  Maybe I'll get in touch with Derek someday and get permission to post the episodes - for posterity. For the first year of 19 Nocturne, episodes came out in the U&I feed - after the first 8 came out at Brokensea - which further muddies the waters as to what the original order of episodes might have been.  It was late 2009 before I decided I was definitely going to keep making shows, and therefore it was worth getting my own page and RSS feed. ...Everything else, as they say, is history. ************************************************************ MURDER WARD Cast: OLIVIA, the host EDMUND Rafelsen (M/30s) - evil alter ego "Achilles" RUDY Horton, Esq. (M/50s) - Edmund's lawyer TERRANCE (M/20s) - the guard ROSE Connelly (F/20s) - paranoid, hears voices HECTOR Wilson (M/20s) - phobic, fears women RONALD Tomlinson (M/40s) - believes he's obeying god VINCENT (M/any) - frightening, violently crazy DOCTOR Sara LARSON (F/40s) - psychiatrist CROWD, GIRL, MOM, KID - any voices D-A. - District Attorney OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's an insane asylum, can't you tell?  Where else would you find ...a murderer?  MUSIC OLIVIA    [voice over]  "Not guilty by reason of insanity".  A legal defense, often misused to try and get a lighter sentence for a heinous crime.  And what does it really mean?  In a nutshell--   SCENE 1.  OFFICE RUDY    --it means at the time you did what you did, you didn't - couldn't - understand what you were doing was wrong.  It's a tough sell, Ed.  No matter what the movies make out, most juries just don't believe-- EDMUND    [cultured voice]  Mr. Horton, I would prefer that you address me directly when you speak to me. RUDY    Ed, this isn't funny. EDMUND    There is no "Ed" here.  Edmund, however, is sleeping.  Mr. Horton, if you cannot bring yourself to use my name, at least-- RUDY    OK, look-- SOUND    rustling paper RUDY    [disapproving]  --Achilles - I-- EDMUND    And I am not insane.  Nor is Edmund.  I knew perfectly well what I did was wrong.  All those pretty little women.  I was really doing them a favor.  The world is so harsh. RUDY    I--  Look, Achilles, let me talk to Ed for a while.  It's his name on the docket, after all. EDMUND    Very well.  I shall rouse him for you.  [voice changes to more lower class - after this, he speaks as Ed any time not otherwise noted]  Yeah?  What is it shyster?  Hey!  Why's my cigarette all burned down all of a sudden? MUSIC   SCENE 2.  COURTROOM CROWD    [MURMURS] SOUND    GAVEL DOCTOR LARSON    Ahem.  As I said, after a thorough examination, I have concluded that while Edmund is nominally the dominant persona, his alter ego Achilles was the one who actually committed... [fade out] MUSIC   SCENE 3.  ASYLUM HALLWAY SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON TILE.  JINGLE OF KEYS TERRANCE    Guess you think you're lucky, eh? SOUND    DOOR UNLOCKS EDMUND    And why's that? SOUND    DOOR OPENS INMATES    [AD LIB, MURMURS "IN CHARACTER" see monologues at end] EDMUND    What the--? TERRANCE    Your new pals, bub.  As I was saying, I guess you THINK you're lucky, getting off without the death penalty and all.  Come on. SOUND    SLOW FOOTSTEPS EDMUND    Look mac, I thought I was gonna have a private room-- TERRANCE    These are the induction cells.  Once the Doc gets a handle on your syko-sees, she'll move you to someplace appropriate. EDMUND    She?  SOUND    FOOTSTEPS STOP TERRANCE    Sure.  You saw her at your trial - Doctor Larson.  She's got some big-brain new ideas about how ta deal with luniacks like yourself.  SOUND    KEYS JINGLE.  TERRANCE    Your room, misshur. SOUND    CELL UNLOCKS, DOOR OPENS. EDMUND    But, but there's a DAME in here.  Ain't we supposed to be-- TERRANCE    Funny thing about that.  Dames go off the pier too.  And we're overbooked in that department.  She probly won't be here long.  Besides, she's waaaay over there.  She can't hurt you. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS HECTOR    [fading in - urgent milktoast]  --he's right.  She shouldn't be in here.  You don't understand the damage they can do.  [fading] Women are-- RONALD    [fading in, hissing whispers]  ‑‑have new instructions.  It is time for you to let me go.  HE has declared it.  [fading]  My presence is required-- SOUND    FOOTSTEPS END, JINGLE OF KEYS ROSE    [fading in] --staring at me.  Are you sure they can't get out?  Please, would you check the locks again?  [fading]  I'm so afraid-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS. INMATES    [MOMENT OF SILENCE] ROSE    [sigh] RONALD    [normal, husky voice]  Hey.  New guy.  Got any smokes? EDMUND    What? RONALD    Smokes.  EDMUND    Even if I did, they wouldn't let us have any matches, would they? ROSE    [hard dame]  Who are you kidding?  You can get pretty much anything in here, just as long as you know who to ask.  And HOW to ask it. EDMUND    Funny, you sounded crazy a minute ago. ROSE    [snort]  Yeah, well.  We all have our bad days...  [raising voice slightly]  And some never have good days, right Heck? HECTOR    Wicked Jezebel.  You shouldn't be here. ROSE    [to Edmund]  We're pretty sure that Hector there is the real McCoy.  RONALD    Now, now.  We're ALL nuts.  We must keep that in mind. ROSE    Yeah, but THAT guy - he just never lets up! EDMUND    But if you ain't crazy-- RONALD    [chuckles]  Court says we are.  Even with moments of lucidity, well--  What can they do? EDMUND    What if they're listening?  Recording, maybe? ROSE    I thought I was the one with the persecution complex. RONALD    I've been trying to catch them for over a month.  Nothing doing.  They're just not interested.  Besides, once the jury brings down the verdict, the court has to keep you locked you up until they cure you. ROSE    OR you give up and confess. RONALD    Oh, sure.  [sarcastic]  I'll just admit it was all phony, take my lumps and go to the Chair!  EDMUND    What if one of you decides to squeal? ROSE    [laughs]  Who'd take the word of a head case? HECTOR    If you try and spit your fiendish poison at me, fiend, I shall find a way to defend myself! ROSE     [disgusted sigh]  I am real sick of him.  RONALD    He probably had a bad mother. ROSE    Yeah?  Well who didn't? EDMUND    The guard said I'd only be in here for a little while-- RONALD    Yeah.  Us too.  I've now been here for two months, and Rose-- ROSE    Rose Connelly, p'raps you hearda me? EDMUND    YOU'RE Rose Connelly? ROSE     [pleased]  Yeah.  The one and only.  My sister's got a scrapbook of clippings for me.  She can't bring them, but she tells me all about them when she visits.  RONALD    Rose's been here about three weeks.  Since her sentencing. EDMUND    And Romeo over there? ROSE    Hah!  Cute.  Two incredibly long days.  EDMUND    And...this is it? RONALD    What? EDMUND    This is what we get?  I mean, in prison they at least get some kind of exercise and stuff.  Geneva convention, and all that.  ROSE    Ah, it's just temporary.  I guess the loony bins are all booked up right now.  [giggles]  Say, maybe there's a convention in town. RONALD    Don't worry.  We get to talk to the Doc each day, regular as clockwork.  She's a sweetheart, but I bet Hector isn't making any improvements. HECTOR    [matter of fact]  Doctor?  She's the devil!  I refuse to give her the satisfaction of a single word. ROSE    [derisive]  "Doctor," hah!  She's the one that let me get myself in here.  I thought it would be real tough to fool a head shrinker, but boy was she a pushover.  Always so sympathetic.  So understanding.  She don't deserve to be a nurse, let alone a doctor.  RONALD    Funny, she testified at my trial too.  Hmm.  Guess we both got lucky. EDMUND    [absently]  Yeah.  Lucky. MUSIC   SCENE 4.  DOCTOR'S OFFICE DOCTOR LARSON    Edmund, I can't help you if you refuse to cooperate.  EDMUND    [as Achilles]  I am trying my utmost, madam, but he simply refuses to converse with you. DOCTOR LARSON     [not batting an eye]  Then let's you and I talk, Achilles.  You claim that the killing was-- EDMUND    [as Achilles]  Killings.  Let us be precise.  Mercy killings, actually.  [fading]  I felt so kindly‑‑ MUSIC   SCENE 5.  CELL HALLWAY SOUND    SNORING FROM ALL INMATES SOUND    SCRITCHING, LIKE A MOUSE TRYING TO BORE THROUGH WOOD EDMUND    [snores, then wakes, frightened]  Ah! ah!  What? [NOTE    LOW VOICES] RONALD    Shh.  You'll wake the neighbors. EDMUND    What was that?  But that noise - it's-- RONALD    I know.  We call him Mortimer. EDMUND    This place has mice? RONALD    We haven't seen him, so we're not sure what particular type of rodentia he is, but we sure hear him.  Particularly when it's quiet.  EDMUND    But how can I get any sleep--? RONALD    You get used to it.  We all get used to lots of things. HECTOR    [coming awake with a scream]  Aaagh!  Off me, you fiend from hell!  No! No! [goes on incoherently] ROSE    [Wakes with a whimper] [NOTE    VOICES NORMAL] EDMUND    That'll take some getting used to. RONALD    Yeah. MUSIC   SCENE 6.  DOCTOR'S OFFICE DOCTOR LARSON    Edmund, why don't you tell me about your mother? EDMUND    [as Edmund]  My mother?  What - why?  My mother's fine.  She got nothing to do with this. DOCTOR LARSON     Do you love your mother? EDMUND    Well, o'course.  I mean, you gotta - it's just nature, ain't it?  [trailing off with] No matter... what... she does t'you. DOCTOR LARSON    What did your mother do, Edmund?  [beat]  Edmund? EDMUND    [as Achilles]  It's no use, doctor.  He has gone into retreat. MUSIC   SCENE 7.  CELL HALLWAY SOUND    CELL BLOCK DOOR OPENS INMATES     [begin their various muttering] TERRANCE    This way folks.  Step lively now. SOUND    CROWD MURMURS, LOTS OF SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS HECTOR    What is this?  How dare you bring in more of THEM!  Mischief!  Mischief! ROSE    [aside, shocked, not pretending] What's a kid doing here? MOM    Tommy, now look at that - that's what crazy folks look like. KID    Gee. TERRANCE    [like a carnival barker] Not just any crazy folks, lady, these are all crazy murderers! CROWD    Ooh! TERRANCE    Each and every one of these... people... has committed the most heinous of crimes! GIRL    Wow, look at that one over there, he's kinda cute--! HECTOR    Harlot!  Harlot!  Do not approach, or I must smite thee down! GIRL    What's smite - is that bad? TERRANCE    Best to stay away from the bars.  Now, this here is Rose Connolly, known throughout the entire state-- ROSE    [seriously disturbed] Stop looking at me!  How can you--?  Get them outta here, wontcha?  TERRANCE    --For killing her husband while under the inexorable compulsion of a persecution complex. ROSE    This isn't right! GIRL    What's inexcorable - is that bad? MOM    Killing your man - now, that ain't right! RONALD    Come, come, now - leave her, she is unimportant, aha!  But I - I have a message to give unto you. MUSIC - TIME PASSES   SCENE 8.  CELL HALLWAY SOUND    CROWD WANDERS OUT, DOOR SHUTS ROSE    [Breaks down]  Oh! RONALD    How mortifying. ROSE    [sobbing]  Like animals in a zoo.  EDMUND     I'm surprised they didn't start throwing us peanuts. RONALD    I tried to get them away from you, Rose, I really did.  But big headlines trumps preaching, I guess. HECTOR    This should stand as a warning to you, woman!  You are never alone!  There is always a witness to the wicked things you do! ROSE    I have had just about enough out of you!  You-- noisy little weasel!  We girls, we're just folks just like everybody else - you have no right to-- RONALD    Rose, calm down.  Shh.  It's not going to help. EDMUND    Yeah.  For crying out loud, we've made it this far, how much worse can it get?  MUSIC   SCENE 9.  DOCTOR'S OFFICE EDMUND    [as Achilles]  It was mortifying for Edmund, Doctor.  I think he may have suffered a terrible setback. DOCTOR    Now, the tours are conducted for very good reasons. EDMUND    What, pray tell? DOCTOR    It's really not something we should be discussing, but - since you are so concerned - First, it is to show the public that this facility is on the up and up - you've certainly heard of the old fashioned "asylums" where inmates were neglected and beaten?  This way, nothing is hidden - so no abuses occur-- EDMUND    [almost breaking character]  No abuses? DOCTOR    Also, it helps to make insanity seem less frightening to the general public.  Most people have seen insanity only in movies - where it is so inevitably terribly destructive and dangerous.  This way, they see the human side of it. EDMUND    [as Achilles] I see that your intentions are admirable, but I can't help but think that a trip through the violent ward would merely reinforce the negative popular belief? DOCTOR    That's why the tour through the violent ward is only for serious students of psychology.  [fading]  You must have misunderstood. MUSIC   SCENE 10.  CELL HALLWAY SOUND    CELL BLOCK DOOR OPENS RONALD    And the lord said-- ROSE    Can't you make them stop staring? SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSES INMATES    [CONTINUE MURMURS] SOUND     CELL DOOR OPENS EDMUND    [Achilles]  Thank you, my good man. SOUND    CELL DOOR CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS.  THEN A SCUFFLE! HECTOR    [struggling]  Give it to me!  TERRANCE    [struggling]  Leave go, you ape! HECTOR    [struggling]  I have to-- oof! [air knocked out of him] SOUND    TWO FOOTSTEPS.  DUSTING OFF HANDS TERRANCE    That'll show you to tangle with me.  HECTOR    [weak]  Yes, but ... I have your gun. ROSE    [scream]  EDMUND    Stop him Ron - you're closest! SOUND    GUN SHOT TERRANCE    Aargh! ROSE    Oh no!  No! HECTOR    [calm and creepy] The next one is for you, Delilah!  Salome! ROSE    Me?  I didn't do anything-- [gasps] INMATES    [GASP] SOUND    CLICK RONALD    Who put out the lights? HECTOR    It was the monster - Lilith, devourer of infants!  SOUND    PSSST OF GAS EDMUND    Do you... hear... [getting sleepy] Some...thing...? MUSIC - TIME PASSES   SCENE 11.  CELL HALLWAY EDMUND    [waking up]  Hmm?  Wha--? RONALD    [groans] ROSE    [wakes with a startled gasp] EDMUND    What happened? RONALD    At least the lights are back on. ROSE    But I don't wanna open my eyes. EDMUND    Look! RONALD    Where?  [disgust]  Oh! ROSE    Just ... just tell me, I don't wanna-- EDMUND    Better you don't look, Rose.  [muttered]  That's a lot of blood. RONALD    [muttered back]  You don't lose that much and walk away.  Too bad.  Terry was a right guy. ROSE    Blood?  Oh, no!  Hector?  Where is he?  He's going to shoot me! RONALD    Calm down, Rose.  He's gone. EDMUND    So's the guard.  There's just the... blood. SOUND    CLICK - LOUDSPEAKER ON DOCTOR LARSON    [filter/loudspeaker]  We apologize for the inconvenience of using a psychotropic gas on you.  EDMUND    Gas? DOCTOR LARSON    [filter]  Rest assured there will be no long-term effects.  EDMUND    That was what I heard. DOCTOR LARSON    [filter]  If you are feeling groggy or your head aches, sit quietly, breath deeply, and it will pass. SOUND    CLICK - LOUDSPEAKER OFF ROSE    [breathing deeply but raggedly]  It wasn't our fault - they haveta know that!  EDMUND    It's not like we're a bunch of babes in the woods.  They may know what happened and just not care. ROSE    So just because I killed my husband, I;m gonna - I'm gonna hurt a random stranger?  That's silly. RONALD    [chuckles]  No.  Just insane, m'dear.  MUSIC   SCENE 12.  OFFICE RUDY    I don't see any way to-- EDMUND    What?  This is cruel and inhumane-- RUDY    You don't understand, Ed.  [dry]  It is Ed I'm talking to, isn't it? EDMUND    Yeah, yeah. RUDY    You are not a free citizen.  You've been consigned to Dr. Larson's care, and-- EDMUND    Now you don't understand, Horton.  A guard was killed last night, in our block-- RUDY    You didn't--? EDMUND    Nah, it was this loony who thinks women are all evil. RUDY    Which, of course, you don't--? EDMUND    This ain't the time for that, Rudy.  I'm talking about a murder. RUDY    There's no record of-- EDMUND    The corpse's name is Terry, Terrance, something like that.  He is - was - a guard here.  Come on, someone's gotta be doing something! RUDY    I haven't seen anything in the papers.  These state-run facilities, though-- sometimes they're like a world in themselves. EDMUND    Well get me another world. RUDY    [chuckles]  There's only ONE way to do that. EDMUND    Yes? RUDY    Admit that you're not insane... and go to the chair. MUSIC   SCENE 13.  CELL HALLWAY SOUND    CELL BLOCK DOOR OPENS, ROSE'S FOOTSTEPS AND A HEAVY SET OF MAN'S FOOTSTEPS, SLOW AND MEASURED. ROSE    Can't you please stop looking at me?  I know why - I know why you're staring!  You can read my mind! SOUND    KEYS JINGLE EDMUND    [Achilles]  You are such a lovely young lady.  And so frightened.  Come to me and I shall cure you of all your fear. SOUND    DOOR UNLOCKS, OPENS ROSE     Stop!  Don't say things like that.  He never takes his eyes off of me, you know.  RONALD    [quietly]  And he said unto me, for I am the way-- SOUND    ROSE'S QUICK FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SHUTS, LOCKS. EDMUND    Hey, buddy, don't you talk? SOUND    KEYS JINGLE.  HEAVY FOOTSTEPS LEAVE RONALD    Justice is ever mute. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, CLOSES INMATES    [quiet for a moment] EDMUND    What's with that guy? RONALD    I hate being ignored like that. ROSE    He didn't say anything in the halls - going to the doc's office OR coming back, either.  No matter what I did. EDMUND    Did the doc say anything about the dead guard? ROSE    Not a word, even though I asked.  She just ignored the question. RONALD    She didn't ignore you completely, though? ROSE    No... But she didn't say much.  Did she talk to you at all during your appointment? RONALD    I didn't have an appointment with her this morning. EDMUND    But you were gone-- RONALD    I wasn't going to say anything, but the guard just took me out and walked me around the halls for an hour.  MUSIC   SCENE 14.  OFFICE EDMUND    I got rights, Horton! RUDY    Well, technically, no.  Actually, I could do more for you if you WERE in prison.  Once you're committed to the doctor's care, you really can't complain.  Particularly since you don't have any proof for any of your allegations-- EDMUND    Allegations?  Proof?  How's this for proof - the others will back me up! RUDY    [condescending]  Two other certified inmates?  Oh, sure.  That'll stand up in court. MUSIC   SCENE 15. EDMUND    You guys ever wonder what they did with old Hector? RONALD    Solitary confinement, I guess.  Killing a guard's pretty serious. EDMUND    [sarcastic] Oh, yeah, unlike whatever it was we did to get here. ROSE    Hey, I draw the line at killing strangers.  EDMUND    Just your husband? ROSE    Looking back, I guess it wasn't such a great idea. RONALD    You guess?  Hah! You-- EDMUND    Why'd you do it, then?  Did he push you around or something? ROSE    [snorts] Nah.  If he'd'a beaten me, I woulda had a defense in court.  Nah, it was just little things.  Like the sounds he makes when he eats - ate - and the thing with his toenails.  Us women have to put up with this kind of thing all the time, but...  It just got to me. EDMUND    It just got to you?  ROSE    Well, yeah!  RONALD    There's a reason the marriage vows say until death do we part-- ROSE    AND I wasn't going to the chair for something like that, so I started pulling the "he was out to get me" hash on my lawyer, and it worked.  More or less.  Not like this joint is anything to write home about.  RONALD    It wasn't so bad up until that guy Hector showed up.  Since then... well. EDMUND    So who'd you kill? SOUND    TINNY CHAMBER MUSIC BEGINS TO PIPE IN, VERY QUIETLY. RONALD    I don’t think so-- EDMUND    [pushing] Go on.  Who? ROSE    Oh, leave off.  Hey, that's kind of nice. RONALD    What?  ROSE    The music. RONALD    Hmm.  And if I prefer to maintain my right to avoid self-incrimination? EDMUND    Geez.  Don't take it that way, I was just curious.  [pause]  I killed four women. ROSE    Four?  Maybe I SHOULD be worried. SOUND    MUSIC STARTS TO VERY SLOWLY GET LOUDER EDMUND    Oh, I put on a song and dance for the cops about how they needed to be killed to save them and all.  Making up a Mr. Hyde personality to take all the blame.  [beat]  Three of em were mob snitches.  RONALD     So what, you're a hit man? EDMUND    I owed some money.  Shouldn't have got caught at all, seeing as how there was no connection between me and them, but the cops got something - fingerprints or something - and they tracked me down. ROSE    And ...the fourth? EDMUND    Huh?  [offhanded]  Oh, just some dame - I did her to throw off the connections and make myself look nuts.  I'd already figured on being caught - and better a whacko than a torpedo, ya know?  SOUND    MUSIC IS LOUD ENOUGH THAT THEY ARE RAISING THEIR VOICES OVER IT RONALD    You are some piece of work. EDMUND    Still casting stones, eh, preacher?  Why don't you explain how you got here--  What in the name of --- What IS that MUSIC? ROSE    It was ok... to start with... but, now--! SOUND     MUSIC REACHES A CRESCENDO, THEN CUTS OUT WITH MUSIC STING - TIME PASSES   SCENE 16.  CELL HALLWAY SOUND    DOOR LOCK UNLOCKS, DOOR OPENS. RONALD    --said the offender must be plucked out! SOUND    SLOW FOOTSTEPS - ORDERLY BRINGING IN NEW INMATE, VICTOR EDMUND    I am so sick of this guy. ROSE    Are you taking me away?  I know you've been watching me. SOUND    RATTLE OF LARGE CHAIN, STUMBLING FOOTSTEPS VICTOR    [growls and snaps]  SOUND     KEYS, CELL DOOR OPENS. ROSE    [whispered]  Ed?  Ed?  That guy - is he even human? EDMUND    [whispered]  Shh.  I dunno. ROSE    [whispered]  But he's so... so huge! SOUND    SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS, CHAIN RATTLING. RONALD    The beast!  For I have seen-- VICTOR    [growl - lunge] SOUND    SCUFFLE OF FEET, CHAINS CLANG AGAINST BARS. RONALD    Aah!  SOUND    SCUFFLE AWAY. VICTOR    [snarling] SOUND    THUNK OF NIGHTSTICK ON FLESH, RATTLE OF CHAINS ROSE    He didn't-- it didn't even notice!  The guard hit it and hit it--  [screaming]  Get me out of here!  Please!  Please get me out of here!  sound    cell door closes, locks, rattle of chains against bars EDMUND    Shh.  He's not listening anyway. ROSE    Anything!  Whatever you want!  [collapsing into sobs]  I can't take any more! SOUND    GUARD'S FOOTSTEPS, KEYS, CELL BLOCK DOOR UNLOCKED ROSE    Please!  I'll admit everything!  Take me to the doctor - the lawyer - the JUDGE!  Anything! SOUND    [BEAT]  FOOTSTEPS RETURN, KEYS, CELL DOOR UNLOCKS. ROSE    [Breaking down] Oh... thank you.  Thank you...! MUSIC   SCENE 17.  OFFICE RUDY    --none of your business.  She's not my case.  Now, Ed, they can keep you locked up any way they want - with anyone they want - for as long as they want.  You're getting three squares a day, right? EDMUND    Usually.  Sometimes it comes pretty late, though.  And there's been a couple of times it's been too salty to eat. RUDY    So they have a crummy cook - place like this?  Go figure.  EDMUND    You gotta get me out of here, Rudy. RUDY    I've told you, there's no place else to put you. MUSIC   SCENE 18.  CELL HALLWAY RONALD    I think he's asleep. EDMUND    It.  Rose called it an it. RONALD    I asked the doctor about Rose.  The doc said a whole lot of nothing, but I get the impression she - Rose - has revealed all, as they say, and is heading for a short vacation in a nice clean death row cell. EDMUND    Not so bad for her.  Women get pardoned all the time, specially pretty ones.  RONALD    Yeah.  And you would know all about the pretty ones, eh? EDMUND    [remembering fondly]  They were all lookers, yeah.  RONALD    How can you sleep?  EDMUND    Don't get high and mighty moral on me, bud, you're in here too. RONALD    I was only--  It WAS a moral choice.  A decision that had to be made and no one was making it. EDMUND    Oh, so who'd you kill?  Cripples? RONALD    I ended the suffering of several decrepit-- VINCENT    [ROAR!] SOUND    CHAINS SMACK AGAINST CELL BARS RONALD    [half choking] Let go! EDMUND     Nobody's got arms that--! RONALD    [gasping]  Get someone!  You gotta-- [choking] EDMUND    Hey!  Hey! over here, ugly! SOUND    RATTLE OF CHAINS RONALD    [gasps for breath] SOUND    THUMPING FOOTSTEPS, RATTLE OF CHAINS EDMUND    Hah!  Gorilla!  Even you can't reach this far, eh?  SOUND    CELL DOOR BEING SHAKEN VICTOR    [growls] RONALD    [hoarse]  Thanks, pal. EDMUND    Don't thank me yet - I think those hinges are coming loose! SOUND    CELL DOOR BREAKS OPEN, RATTLE OF CHAINS RONALD    Oh, god!  No!  Release the gas!  Someone please release the gas!!!  [choking] VICTOR    [growls] SOUND    CHAINS RATTLING AGAINST BARS SOUND    TINNY CHAMBER MUSIC PLAYS OVER THE FIGHT NOISES EDMUND    Not the music!  The gas!  He's dying, for crying out loud!  RONALD    [expiring noise] SOUND    GAS MUSIC   SCENE 19.  OFFICE EDMUND    Horton, whatever I need to do, whatever I need to sign, just hand it over.  I ain't spending another night in this place. RUDY    You understand the consequences?  You won't have the slightest option of recanting again and going back to your original statement.  EDMUND    Yeah, yeah.  Anything - and I mean anything - is better than this freak show.  MUSIC   SCENE 20.  RECEPTION PARTY SOUND    GLASSES TINKLE, DRINKS BEING POURED DOCTOR LARSON    I'm so glad you find my program effective, Mr. District Attorney. D-A.    Well, I admit I had my doubts, when you first outlined it-- DOCTOR LARSON    You expressed concern about the danger of physical harm to the subject?  As you now see, there is never any direct physical contact.  Thus, there can be no allegations of physical harm or coersion. ROSE    He might have come close to dying with fright, though.  [teasing]  You were quite terrifying, darling. VICTOR    [growls jokingly, then fairly cultured voice]  After fifteen movies as monsters ROSE    And an apeman... VICTOR    [chuckles]  And one apemen, who wouldn't be? HECTOR    I'm rather glad I get to duck out early.  Murderers just [shudders] give me the creeps. TERRANCE    Hey, we're out of sham-pane.  Want me to go and get some more? HECTOR    Nah, I'll go.  Be right back!  D-A.     It seems like a lot of effort, though, for a single confession.  A lot of manpower.  [tip of the hat]  And woman power. DOCTOR LARSON    Ah, but it's valuable work on a number of levels.  We convince a murderer to confess, and we learn a great deal about the human psyche each time through the experiment. D-A.    Each time?  How many--? ROSE    Hmm...  [thinking]  I've had the screaming meemies four times-- RONALD    And I've nearly died... oh, three, I think. DOCTOR LARSON    Not all of them last as long as our good friend Edmund.  D-A.    I'll drink to that. MUSIC CLOSER OLIVIA    Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back.  Maybe next week?  Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...     INDIVIDUAL SPEECHES FOR THE "INMATES" FOR "ad lib" SECTIONS ROSE    I can feel them, all the time, watching everything I do - always making sure.  Always knowing.  I never get a moment alone, never a smidgen of privacy.  How can I live like this?  It's always the same - at first, they seem so nice, so different, then they turn on you, controlling you, having to know everything you do, and then they just don't let you do anything.  I couldn't even have a glass of water without getting permission. HECTOR    Sinner!  Be penitent and god may be merciful and end your despicable life - hah, raise your head in the presence of your condemnation, will you?  Created to sin, designed by Satan to tempt honest men from the path of righteousness.  Daughters of Eve, you share her taint!  You try and draw us into your web, to make us debase ourselves for your enjoyment!  Wickedness!  Temptress!  Succubus! RONALD    God moves in mysterious ways, for his decisions are inscrutable and his calling ineffable.  He has summoned me to his bidding, and I must obey.  There is no evil in ending the suffering of those that god would have called home to his presence.  He does not strike out in anger, but reaches forth to embrace his injured and damaged children, who need his solace.

Chapter 7 - a short trip to the slave camp on the heavy gravity planet.

Adapted by Julie Hoverson from the story "The Canterville Ghost" by Oscar Wilde [Family friendly] In the late 1800s, an American family moves into an old English castle, only to find that the fixtures include an ancestral ghost... Cast List Sir Simon de Canterville - Cole Hornaday Lady Eleanor - Julie Hoverson Mr. Otis - Michael Faigenblum Mrs. Otis - Megan Lane Mrs. Umney - Lyndsey Thomas Washington - Jasper Loovis Virginia - Beverly Poole Cecil, Duke of Cheshire - Powers Chandler The Twins - E. Vickrey, R. LeBoeuf   Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Photo:  Peer Kamphuis (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it?  Why it's an Olde English Castle - where else would you find an ancestral spirit?" *********************************************************** The Canterville Ghost Who doesn't love the classic Oscar Wilde satire "The Canterville Ghost"?  It's a story about a traditional horrific British spirit haunting a traditional British Manor, who runs afoul of a very modern (for the late 1800s) American family who has no respect at all for tradition.  This has always been one of my two favorite classic comedic ghost stories, the other being "The Water Ghost of Harrowby Hall", which I will probably get in here soon, just because of the season. I had so much fun adapting this, playing with the practical, unflappable, and often gormless Americans.  I did make one major change in the cast, which was not entirely original to me.  I added the ghost of Lady Canterville to pester and haunt Sir Simon - and also give him someone to rant to, complain at, and plan with, since otherwise all his best bits would either be pages of soliloquies or just left out (like they usually end up being left out when this story gets made into films).  I really really tried to keep as much of the descriptions of Sir Simon's various semblances and costumes in the dialogue as I could.  They're so much fun, along with the descriptions of whom he terrified with them.  I crammed it as full as possible, without going completely off the deep end. I recall when I was in grade school, I read a novelization someone had done based on The Canterville Ghost where they added Lady Canterville as a ghost, but I specifically didn't go back and find that book again before writing this, so I wouldn't accidentally usurp any other ideas from it - I have a good memory, but it has been decades since I read it (more then 2), so I should be pretty safe.  Including her is a logical step, anyway, since if HE haunts the house because he was murdered, why shouldn't SHE also haunt it because HE murdered HER? When I set about to cast this, I was still pretty much working with friends and locals, and not yet to the point of recruiting or auditioning people on line.  And while I knew I wanted Cole as Sir Simon  - and of course myself as Lady Eleanor, since I wrote the role for me (a big advantage of being a writer/producer), I had no particular idea who else I wanted in there.  So I got Beverly Poole (who was at the time in high school) and said "Cast all the living characters from your high school drama class."  In response, she rubbed her hands together gleefully (and a bit evilly), grinned, and said "Ooh!  The Power!" Of all the special effects in this story that were hard to make or find, considering it has rattling chains and moans and all the classic ghost noises, the most awkward turned out to be "knocking small bottle to floor" and "throwing pillow across room". *********************************************************** THE CANTERVILLE GHOST Cast: OLIVIA The English: Sir SIMON de Canterville, (300+) Ghost Lady ELEANOR de Canterville, (300+) his dead wife UMNEY, (60) housekeeper CECIL, (17) young Duke of Cheshire MOVER (any) The Americans: HIRAM Otis, (40) American Minister Lucretia OTIS (36) his wife WASHINGTON Otis, (18) know-it-all VIRGINIA Otis, (15) sweet young thing GROVER and OSCAR Otis, (12) the twins   NOTE:  The Americans are the classic annoying Americans of a previous century, very self-assured at all times and never bothered. OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's an English Castle, can't you tell?  Where else would you find an ancestral ghost?  MUSIC   SCENE 1.  MAIN HALL SOUND    HEAVY FOOTSTEPS, LOW MOAN OF EFFORT, HEAVY SOMETHING BEING DROPPED [play up as if a ghost, then] MOVER    Ow!  Leave off!  Now, on two... one-- [grunt of effort] SOUND     HEAVY FOOTSTEPS GO OFF.  THE OTIS FAMILY IS MOVING IN. HIRAM    [self satisfied]  Yes, that - that will do nicely. SOUND    SHARP FOOTSTEPS AMONG THE HUBBUB MRS. UMNEY    [nervous] Mr. Otis, Sir?  HIRAM    Yes, my good woman?  MRS. UMNEY    Sir, where are the Canterville portraits?  HIRAM    Those?  I'm returning them to his Lordship.  I'm quite sure he didn't mean them to go with the house.  They're rather ugly old gewgaws, to be perfectly frank.  Out with the old, in with the new. MRS. UMNEY    [muttered] These are the ugly new gewgaws, then? HIRAM    [didn't hear her] Hm? MRS. UMNEY    [louder] This is your family, then, sir? HIRAM    What is your name, my good woman? MRS. UMNEY    Mrs. Umney.  I've been housekeeper here at Canterville Hall for-- HIRAM    Oh, yes, we did take on all the fixtures.  Well, Madam, we Americans don't hold with all this "sir" nonsense.  You can call me Mister Otis, just like anyone else. MRS. UMNEY    [servile] Of course, Mr. Otis.  Certainly Mr. Otis. HIRAM    Stop with the curtseying, it's bad for your knees.  Ask my wife - she's campaigned against it, you know. MRS. UMNEY    That would be Lady - pardon - Mrs. Otis in the portrait with you? HIRAM    Yes - lovely woman, though she does tend to look a bit cross-eyed when she's forced to sit staring into a lens for time on end.  Still it's a lovely shot.  This is the children.  Washington, in back - he's even taller now.  Must remember to get another study taken.  They grow so fast, don't they? MRS. UMNEY    Yes sir.  Mr. Otis, sir. HIRAM    The twins, Oscar and Grover - like weeds, as well - are going to Eton.  They'll be home with us until the school year begins. MRS. UMNEY    And the young lady?  HIRAM    [with warmth]  Virginia.  She is just the perfect doll - smart as a whip.  Takes right after her mother that way.  And the way she rides - she raced old Lord Bilton twice round the park and won by a length and a half.  That Cecil [he prnounces it incorrectly, as SEEsel] fellow, Duke of Cheshire[chehSHYER], proposed for her on the spot, but they're both much too young, and we Americans don't hold much with titles. MRS. UMNEY    [muttered]  Tell that to the Vanderbilts.  [out loud]  And this must be... your father? HIRAM    [laughs uproariously]  Ho-ho!  No, that's President Cleveland, our country's leader.  You know, a bit like your British Queen Victoria, except that we choose ours.  [pause]  And they don't carry on quite so long. MRS. UMNEY    [disapproving] Ah. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS ENTER MRS. OTIS    Dearest, can you do something with the twins, they've gone quite mad in the conservatory.  HIRAM    Boys will be boys.   SOUND    HIS FOOTSTEPS LEAVE, DOOR MRS. OTIS    Mrs. Umney, why what's the matter? MRS. UMNEY    Ma'am?  I'm ... just not used to your American ways, I expect.  MRS. OTIS    I'm so sorry for you.  Well.  SOUND    FOOTSTEPS START TO LEAVE, HESITATE MRS. OTIS     [suddenly remembering] Oh, there is something you could help with - there's a terrible stain near the fireplace in the library.  Would you be a dear and see that it gets cleaned up? MRS. UMNEY    [ominously]  The bloodstain? MRS. OTIS    How horrid!  I don't at all care for blood-stains in a library.  It cannot possibly be hygienic. MRS. UMNEY    [ghoulish, enjoying every minute] It is the blood of Lady Eleanor de Canterville, murdered on that very spot by her own husband, Sir Simon de Canterville, in 1575.  Sir Simon's guilty spirit still haunts the Chase, though HIS body has never been found.  [Umney clearly expects to scare her, but gets no response.] MRS. OTIS    It must be removed immediately-- MRS. UMNEY     The blood-stain has been much admired by tourists, and cannot be removed. MRS. OTIS    Nonsense.  [calling]  Washington!! MRS. UMNEY    [mood broken] What?  Ma'am? SOUND    THUNDERING FEET COMING DOWN STAIRCASE WASHINGTON    [entering] Yes, mother? MRS. OTIS    Do you have some of that new cleaning solution in your kit? WASHINGTON    [eager] Pinkerton's Champion Stain Remover and Paragon Detergent?  I'll fetch it directly. MRS. UMNEY    [trying to be spooky again] The blood stain cannot be cleaned, ma'am.  It is proven fact.  Many have tried.  Many more have faced the ghost and were never the same again. MRS. OTIS    Ah, but this is a patented formulation.  MUSIC   SCENE 2. SOUND    OUTSIDE.  TWO HORSES' HOOVES MOVING SLOWLY, AN OCCASIONAL WHINNY CECIL    I'm frightfully pleased you're so nearby, Miss Otis.  I mean, we can... go riding together... often. VIRGINIA    [she pronounces it correctly - seh-sel] Cecil.  Or... I'm so sorry, I've forgotten, what does one call a Duke? CECIL    It's Your Grace, but you needn't-- VIRGINIA    But I should at least KNOW.  And an Earl? CECIL    [quietly]  I would rather you thought of me as more than merely a tutor. VIRGINIA    [musing] How DO you keep them all straight?  [catching up] What? CECIL    [earnest]  You know how I feel. VIRGINIA    I also, which is why this is all particularly important.  Just in case... In case... [gasp] BOTH    [Take a breath, as if about to speak, or possibly kiss, then check themselves] [SLIGHT PAUSE AS THEY BOTH CALM DOWN A BIT, CLICK TO THE HORSES, ETC.] CECIL    Oh, Virginia, I hate the thought of you living in this blasted old pile. VIRGINIA    [pleased]  You called me Virginia. CECIL    My apologies, Miss Otis. VIRGINIA    Silly.  Cecil, I've been trying for ages to get you to call me--  [by my first name] CECIL    It's the ghost! VIRGINIA    The ghost's name is Virginia? CECIL    No.  Your father cannot have heard about it, or he'd never have put you in such danger.  VIRGINIA    While he's not actually against them, father generally avoids spirits.  [joke - "spirits" as in alcohol] CECIL    [ominously, admitting]  My own grand-uncle once bet a hundred guineas that he would play dice with the ghost, and was found the next morning on the floor of the card-room in such a paralytic state that, though he lived to a great age, he was never able to say anything but "Double Sixes." VIRGINIA    Backgammon, was it? CECIL    It isn't important!  It's simply not safe! MUSIC   SCENE 3. AMB    BEDROOM, GETTING READY FOR SLEEP MRS. OTIS    [exasperated] It's simply not safe, I tell you!  That housekeeper fainting all about the place - and all over cleaning up a silly bloodstain. HIRAM    Hmm... SOUND    RATTLE OF A PAGE TURNING IN A BOOK MRS. OTIS    What if it happens again?  What if she's holding crockery?  What do you do with a woman who faints? HIRAM    Yes, dear. MRS. OTIS    [sweetly] Dearest, your nose has fallen off. HIRAM    Oh, has it?  Good. MRS. OTIS    You're not listening to me! HIRAM    Gracious!  Do you hear that? MRS. OTIS    What, over the sound of my own voice?  Heaven forbid! HIRAM    Shh. SOUND    MUFFLED, AND SLOWLY GETTING CLOSER, HEAVY FOOTFALLS AND CHAINS RATTLING. THEY CONTINUE UNTIL NOTED HIRAM    Now that is just too much. SOUND    BEDCLOTHES FLUNG ASIDE, SLIPPERED FOOTSTEPS. HIRAM    We'll see about-- SOUND    DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN SOUND    HEAVY FOOTSTEPS AND CHAINS ARE NO LONGER MUFFLED.  SIMON    [off - low moaning] HIRAM    Now see here! SIMON    [moan interrupts] MRS. OTIS    [unworried, off] Is it the twins? HIRAM    I don't think so.  SIMON    [insistent ghostly moaning] HIRAM    No, it's certainly not the twins.  Hold it right there. SIMON    [moan interrupts quizzically] SOUND    SLIPPERED FOOTSTEPS, DRAWER PULLED OUT, RUMMAGING MRS. OTIS    Should I join you? HIRAM    No need.  Though he is quite a curiosity - looks like a scraggly old feller all done up in chains and ragged old-style clothes. SIMON    [off - moaning again, suppressed fury] HIRAM    Now where did I - Aha! SOUND    RUMMAGING STOPS, SLIPPERED FOOTSTEPS HIRAM     My dear sir, I really must insist on your oiling those chains, and I have brought you for that purpose a small bottle of the Tammany Rising Sun Lubricator.  SIMON    [moaning stops, grumpy noises] HIRAM    It is said to be completely efficacious upon one application, and there are several testimonials to that effect on the wrapper.  I shall leave it here for you, and will be happy to supply more, should you require it. SOUND    SMALL BOTTLE SET DOWN, LIGHT FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSES DECISIVELY SIMON    [bellow of rage, then moaning until noted] SOUND    BOTTLE SLAPPED, ROLLS ACROSS TABLE, CLATTERS TO FLOOR. SOUND    TWO HEAVY FOOTSTEPS, HEAVY THUD ON WALL ACCOMPANIED BY CHAIN RATTLING OSCAR    Get em! SOUND    PILLOW FLIES THROUGH THE AIR, HITS THE WALL GROVER    Did I score? SIMON    [one last shriek, and out] OSCAR    Tsk. Nope. MUSIC    SPOOKY   SCENE 4. AMB     GHOST'S GARRET SOUND    AGITATED PACING, ROCKING CHAIR SIMON    [bellowing and outraged] A Pillow!  At my HEAD! ELEANOR    [complacent but needling]  I suppose it's a good thing you were wearing it, then. SIMON    Not if they'd hit me!  I'm not certain I fastened it on completely.  It's never been an issue! ELEANOR    You've gone without a challenge for far too long. SIMON    A challenge!!  A challenge!  Who needs a bloody challenge when I have you to torment me? ELEANOR    Every time you get frustrated you turn the argument on me.  If you didn't want me haunting you, you should've never killed me.  SIMON    Tcha! ELEANOR    Ruined my favorite bodice, as well. SIMON    Oh, your bloody bodice.  ELEANOR    Precisely. SIMON    Hush!  These ... people... Have no respect for artistry.  When I think back on the Dowager Duchess, frightened into a fit; the four housemaids, who went into hysterics when I merely grinned at them through the curtains; old Madame de Tremouillac, who woke to find me, as a skeleton, seated by the fire reading her diary, and was confined to her bed for six weeks with brain fever-- ELEANOR    [dry] Yes, yes, you're quite handy with the ladies. SIMON    Shut up, wife!  What about wicked Lord Canterville, whom I left choking on the knave of diamonds because he had cheated by means of that very card, so I made him swallow it.  That was justice! ELEANOR    Oh, yes, justice for men and torment for women.  So like a man.  What did poor Lady Stutfield, ever do to you?  You left her obliged to wear a black velvet band round her throat to hide the mark of five fingers burnt upon her white skin.  SIMON    [pleased]  She drowned herself at last in the carp-pond at the end of the King's Walk.  ELEANOR    Did she cheat at cards as well?  SIMON    [grudgingly]  No. ELEANOR    Admit it, you just like the attention.  Women are so much more -- SIMON    Biddable? ELEANOR    I was going to say demonstrative.  I know how you adore an appreciative audience.  Women are allowed hysterics, while men are limited to "good god!", a little gibbering, and then shooting themselves in the pantry.  There's simply not much in between. SIMON    [sulky]  Or offering you oil for your chains!  Oh, what impertinence!!  ELEANOR    What do you plan to do about it, my lord? SIMON    Aha!  I was thinking of reprising my costume as "Gaunt Gibeon, the Blood-sucker of Bexley Moor," and playing ninepins with my own bones upon the lawn-tennis ground.  ELEANOR    Perhaps Americans do not play ninepins? SIMON    No?  I think the point will not fail.  It is bones...  [thinking]  Or perhaps ... Oh, yes!  "Reckless Rupert, or the Headless Earl." ELEANOR    Oh, my lord.  You know that one takes hours to put on.  Do you even know where both horse pistols are? SIMON    Bah!  I am an artist.  I laugh at complex preparation.  [chuckling]  I haven't pulled out old Rupert for some fifty years-- ELEANOR    Seventy. SIMON    Seventy?  Really?  Where does time go?  [warming up again]  Not since the night I frightened pretty Lady Barbara and she broke off her engagement with Lord Canterville's grandfather, and ran away with Jack Castleton, declaring that nothing would induce her to marry into a family that allowed such a horrible phantom to walk up and down the terrace at twilight.  ELEANOR    [bored]  ...and then he was shot in a duel. SIMON    [running over her]  Poor Jack was afterwards shot in a duel by Lord Canterville ELEANOR    [bored]  You sound like the social pages. SIMON    [trying to drown her out] --and Lady Barbara died of a broken heart, so, in every way, it was a great success.  ELEANOR    Yes, yes, yes.  You recall I was present.  SIMON    I am merely reiterating-- ELEANOR    Reiterate away.  I shan't return until you are quite through. SIMON    Oh, if I only could believe that, I would never stop.  ELEANOR    Just as big fish eat little fish, my own good lord, ghosts are never truly alone. MUSIC   SCENE 5. SOUND    GENTEEL BREAKFAST NOISES MRS. UMNEY     [off, screams] VIRGINIA    Oh no! WASHINGTON    What? MRS. OTIS    Good gracious, she's at it again. HIRAM    I'll just go and see-- MRS. OTIS    No, no.  You finish your breakfast, Hiram, dear.  I shall see to the household. SOUND    WE FOLLOW HER AS SHE LEAVES THE ROOM, ENTERS THE LIBRARY MRS. UMNEY    [praying, slightly hysterical]  ...deliver us from evil for thine is the power and the glory-- MRS. OTIS    [coming on]  What is the matter now? MRS. UMNEY    [spoooooky]  Look!!!  The bloodstain!  I told you that it could never be removed! MRS. OTIS    [mildly bemused] Oh.  How unusual.  I wonder if there is a leak somewhere.  [calling] Washington? SOUND    EAGER FOOTSTEPS APPROACH WASHINGTON    Yes, Mother? MRS. OTIS    I thought you said you had dealt with this? WASHINGTON     Well, now doesn't that just take the cake? MRS. OTIS    Pray don't be vulgar. MRS. UMNEY    [muffled snort] VIRGINIA     [coming on]  What's going on? WASHINGTON    Mother, I give you my solemn oath - that stain was gone.  I guess I'll just have at it again. MUSIC    TIME PASSES   SCENE 6. SOUND    GENTEEL BREAKFAST NOISES [the blood stain keeps re-appearing, and they're finding it amusing] HIRAM    Shall we?  I made a particular point of locking the door last night, so there can be no chance of outside interference. MRS. OTIS    Yes, let's. SOUND    DOOR OPENS OSCAR    Me first! GROVER    No, me! SOUND    SCUFFLE, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS GROVER    It's back! MUSIC    TIME PASSES   SCENE 7. SOUND     RAIN, GENTEEL BREAKFAST NOISES WASHINGTON    [listing the colors the bloodstain has come back in] ...that's crimson, rust, burnt sienna, and maroon.  So far.  Anyone? HIRAM    Perhaps the color changes like leaves in the fall?  I think I shall lay odds on pumpkin. WASHINGTON    I am more inclined to believe, father, that there is a scientific basis for the inconsistent pigmentation.  Some chemical interaction between the nature of ectoplasm and Pinkerton's Champion Stain Remover.  All I need to do is find another, similar ghostly stain and compare the results. HIRAM    Sound thinking, my boy. MRS. OTIS    Well, I'm in the mood for a bright cherry red myself, on such a gray day.  Virginia? VIRGINIA    [subdued, almost sulky] I have no opinion on the matter. SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN GROVER    It's green!! OSCAR    Emerald green! VIRGINIA    [very quiet wail, then going off]  Oh, no!   MUSIC   SCENE 8. AMB    GHOST'S GARRET SOUND    RUMMAGING THROUGH PILES OF CLOTHES SIMON    [off, muffled]  Have you seen my red slouch hat? ELEANOR    It is no longer my responsibility to look after your garments, husband. SIMON    Hmph.  SIMON    Which winding sheet do you think will be most effective, the ones with the ruffles at the cuffs, or the hideous brown stains? ELEANOR    My lord - those aren't your brown stains.  I believe a mouse has littered in your sheet. SIMON    Eugh.  SOUND    FABRIC FALLS TO FLOOR SIMON    Well, aren't you even curious?  I mean about what I intend to do? ELEANOR    Not really.  [sigh]  Pray enlighten me.  If you must. SIMON    You'll be singing a different tune when you hear-- ELEANOR    Begin, my lord - we haven't all day. SIMON    Very well.  [dramatic] See this rusty dagger? ELEANOR    Yay, verily.  One rusty dagger.  Noted. SIMON    [dramatic] I will make my way quietly to Washington Otis's room, you know Washington - the interfering knave who repeatedly cleans my bloody--  well... bloodstain. ELEANOR    My bloodstain.  Bright boy.  SIMON    Shush.  Here, you be Washington. ELEANOR    I haven't the height. SIMON    [angry] I mean, you stand in and I shall show you what I intend!  [back to glee] I will gibber at him from the foot of the bed, and stab myself - once, twice, thrice! - in the throat to the sound of low music.  Having reduced the reckless and foolhardy youth to a condition of abject terror...  [prompting] Terror! ELEANOR    [flat]  Oh, terror!  SIMON    [sigh]  I will proceed to the bedroom of the parents.  Now, you are Mrs. Otis. ELEANOR    To do that I shall have to secure some exceedingly plain underclothes. SIMON    [growl]  Woman!  I will place a clammy hand on Mrs. Otis's forehead-- ELEANOR    [flat]  Oh, clammy. SIMON    --while I hiss into her trembling husband's ear the awful secrets of the charnel-house.  ELEANOR    He'll probably tell you of some new patented method for charnelling.  I suppose that poor girl will get the worst of it, since she's the only one even a mite sympathetic? SIMON    I... [almost sheepish]  I ...don't think so.  She's done nothing at all to annoy me, even though she could easily... [he's been stealing her paints, as she mentions later - so she could unmask the bloodstain]  A few hollow groans from the wardrobe will suffice. ELEANOR    You're becoming soft in your old age. SIMON    I am merely saving my best efforts for [snarling] those wretched twins... ELEANOR    Shall I be one of them? SIMON    No need. ELEANOR    Oh, prithee my lord.  I wish to realize the full impact of your cunning plan. SIMON    Truly?  Well, go ahead then. ELEANOR    I shall be Grover.  He has the sweeter disposition. SIMON    Be whichever you wish to be, but be quiet!  [deep breath]  I will enter the room, in the form of a green, icy-cold corpse-- SOUND    WHOOSH THUMP OF A PILLOW ELEANOR    Ha-ha! [aping the twins' laughter] SIMON    WOMAN!!!! MUSIC    STING   SCENE 9. AMB    BALLROOM MUSIC    WALTZ CECIL    You are so brave.  And so lovely tonight. VIRGINIA    You dance divinely, Cecil, but this must be our last waltz, or people will talk.  CECIL    My cousin says your brother is an excellent partner as well.  VIRGINIA    Oh, yes.  He is well suited for diplomacy. CECIL    I wish we could dance all night and you never need return to that moldy old pile. VIRGINIA    Fainting aside, Mrs. Umney is a fine woman.  CECIL    Tomorrow is the anniversary of Lady Eleanor's death.  The ghost will certainly leap upon the propitious moment. MUSIC   SCENE 10. AMB    ECHOEY HALLWAY SIMON    [soliloquizing]  Ah!  The propitious moment!  The clock strikes the quarter-- SOUND    CLOCK STRIKES THE QUARTER SIMON    The moon hides her face behind a cloud.  All is in readiness, and the night holds its stygian breath.  SOUND    STEALTHY THUMPING FOOTSTEPS SIMON    And now Washington, screw your courage to the sticking point you may, but I shall have you unstuck!  [begins a moan] SOUND    TWO MORE STEPS SIMON    [moan become a shriek of fear] MUSIC   SCENE 11. AMB    PARENTS BEDROOM HIRAM    [snoring] MRS. OTIS    [waking up] Huh?  [matter of fact] Hiram!  Wake up! HIRAM    Yes, dearest? MRS. OTIS    Do you hear ...something? HIRAM    Is it that ghost fellow again?  [listens]  No, I cannot say I actually hear anything. MRS. OTIS    [already falling back] Hmm.  Must be the twins. HIRAM    [snoring] MUSIC   SCENE 12. AMB    GHOST'S GARRET SOUND    AGITATED PACING, ROCKING CHAIR THROUGHOUT ELEANOR    [flatly amused]  A ghost? SOUND    CRUMPLING OF PAPER IN SIMON'S HAND SIMON    [terrified]  YES!  A Ghost!  Its head was bald and burnished, its face round, and fat, and white.  From the eyes streamed rays of scarlet light, the mouth was a wide well of fire, and a hideous garment, much like mine own-- ELEANOR    Lacking the mouse insults. SIMON    --like to mine own, swathed its Titan form.  On its breast was a placard with strange writing in antique characters-- SOUND    RATTLE OF HEAVY PAPER SIMON    Doubtless some record of wild sins, some awful calendar of crime, some-- ELEANOR    Why not read it and see? SIMON    [voice cracking] See? ELEANOR    See what it says. SIMON    [hesitates]  No. ELEANOR    Why take it, then? SIMON    [mutters something] ELEANOR    Speak up, my lord. SIMON    [through gritted teeth] I found I had just clutched it as I left.  I have no need to know-- ELEANOR    Afraid? SIMON    AFRAID!  [unconvincing]  No. ELEANOR    Perhaps because he is the more terrifying ghost?  SIMON    Nonsense!  I have merely never chanced to SEE a ghost - except in a looking glass. ELEANOR    Give it me, ninny.  I shall read it. SIMON    You dare-- ELEANOR    I'll call you coward in an instant-- SIMON    I WILL READ IT!  [muttering as he reads, then a sound of outrage!] ELEANOR    So very wicked, my lord? SOUND    PAPER BEING VICIOUSLY CRUMPLED SIMON    [grim] Those damned children!  They made it! ELEANOR    Made a ghost?  I should have thought murder was a bit outside their purview. SIMON    AAArghh!!  SOUND    PAPER BEING SNATCHED AWAY ELEANOR    Argh, indeed.  [reading]  YE OTIS GHOSTE, Ye Onlie True and Originale Spook, Beware of Ye Imitationes.  All others are counterfeits.  SIMON    No more games!  [bellowing] When Chanticleer [rooster] has sounded twice his merry horn, deeds of blood will be wrought, and murder shall walk abroad with silent feet! ELEANOR    That would be you? SOUND    ROOSTER CROWS - ONCE. [PAUSE, WAITING] SIMON    [muttered]  Come on.  ELEANOR    Perhaps you should go frighten it. SIMON    [muttered]  Once more - for daddy. ELEANOR    It's not going to happen. SIMON    Nonsense, it always happens. ELEANOR    [pause]  Nay.  I hear nothing. SIMON    Perdition seize the naughty fowl, I have seen the day when, with my stout spear, I would have run him through the gorge, and made him crow for me an 'twere in death!  [a bit whiny]  Every time, throughout all known history, that such an oath has been sworn, chanticleer has sounded his blasted horn twice.  Where is its respect for tradition? ELEANOR    Perhaps, dear husband, it is an American rooster. MUSIC   SCENE 13. AMB    OUTSIDE SOUND    TWO HORSES REINING IN FROM A GALLOP VIRGINIA    [laughing]  I let you win! CECIL    [teasing]  Nonsense.  Good breeding. VIRGINIA    So your blue blood makes you faster? CECIL    Not mine.  The horse. VIRGINIA    [chuckles] SOUND    HORSES WALKING CECIL    Have you been well since I saw you last? VIRGINIA    Yes, very.  No ghost. CECIL    None? VIRGINIA    I warned everyone about the anniversary, but nothing - well - a turnip ghost was found in the upper hall, but I am quite certain that can be attributed to my brothers.  CECIL    How ... remarkable. VIRGINIA    Cecil, would you do me a tremendous favor? CECIL    Anything... Virginia. VIRGINIA    Would you--  Could you take my horse to the stable?  I fear I've torn my habit and want to get upstairs before anyone spies me.  MUSIC   SCENE 14. AMB    BACK HALLWAY SOUND    [OFF SLIGHTLY] LIGHT ECHOEY FOOTSTEPS SIMON    [gusty sigh] SOUND    [COMING ON] FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE VIRGINIA    Hello?  [gasp]  You! SIMON    [gasp] You! VIRGINIA    [anticipating being scared]  Ahh! [pause, nothing happens, confused]  Oh! SIMON    Pfft.  Don't fret yourself, girl.  I cannot seem to gather myself for the effort.  This is the one room where I can truly be alone.  My wife haunts me in every other chamber. VIRGINIA    Should I leave you--? SIMON    Stay a moment. [overly casual]  If you wish. VIRGINIA    My brothers are going back to Eton tomorrow, and if you behave, no one will annoy you. SIMON    Behave myself?  Absurd.  I must rattle my chains and walk about at night.  It is my only reason for existing. VIRGINIA    That is no reason at all.  SIMON    Why else would I be here? VIRGINIA    Mrs. Umney told us - you killed your wife. SIMON    It was purely a family matter.  My wife was very plain, never had my ruffs properly starched, and knew nothing about cookery.  VIRGINIA    [adamant] It is very wrong to kill anyone. SIMON    Oh?  Her brothers starved me to death.  VIRGINIA    Oh, Mr. Ghost -- I mean Sir Simon - I have a sandwich in my case, would you like it? SIMON    I never eat anything now; [beat, softening] but it was very kind of you.  You are much nicer than your horrid, rude, vulgar, dishonest family. VIRGINIA    Stop it!  It is you who are rude, and horrid, and... and as for dishonesty!  You stole my paints for your ridiculous bloodstain.  First you took all my reds and I couldn't do sunsets, then it just got ridiculous - who ever heard of emerald-green blood?  SIMON    [meek, sulky]  What was I to do?  It is very difficult to get real blood.  Your brother began it all with his Paragon Detergent, so I saw no reason why I should not have your paints.  VIRGINIA    [annoyed, decisive]  Good evening!  I will go and ask papa to get the twins an extra week's holiday. SIMON    Please!  Don't go, Miss Virginia.  I am so unhappy, and I really don't know what to do.  I want to sleep and I cannot. VIRGINIA    That's quite absurd!  It is very difficult sometimes to keep awake, especially at church, but even babies know how to sleep, and they are not very clever. SIMON    I have not slept for three hundred years, and I am so tired. VIRGINIA    Have you no place where you can sleep? SIMON    [wistful]  Hmm.  Far away beyond the pine-woods, there is a little garden.  The grass grows long and deep, with great white stars of hemlock flower, and the nightingale sings all night long.  The cold crystal moon looks down, and the yew-tree spreads out its giant arms over the sleepers. VIRGINIA    [awed]  You mean the Garden of Death. SIMON    Yes, death.  Death must be so beautiful.  To lie in the soft brown earth, and listen... to silence.  To have no yesterday, no to-morrow, to be at peace.  [eager] You must help me.  You can open for me the portals of death's house, for love is always with you, and love is stronger than death.  VIRGINIA    How could I--? SIMON    You must weep with me for my sins, because without remorse, I have no tears; and pray with me for my soul, because I have no faith.  Then, perhaps, the angel of death will have mercy on me.  [pauses, waiting, then sighs in despair] VIRGINIA    [deep breath, courageous but shaky]  I am not afraid, and I will ask the angel to have mercy on you. MUSIC - LONGER   SCENE 15. AMB    FRONT HALL HIRAM    Virginia is nowhere to be found.  Even the [rustics] are helping search for her.  Washington, my boy?  [confidential]  The fish-pond? WASHINGTON    Nothing. HIRAM    Good.  Don't tell your mother we checked.  The poor woman is already nearly prostrate. CECIL    It is the ghost.  I know it!  He was jealous of our happiness and spirited her away!  If only you had allowed our engagement, sir, none of this would have-- HIRAM    Balderdash, Cecil [mispronounced see-sul].  First thing in the morning, I will engage Scotland Yard-- SOUND    CLOCK STRIKES TWELVE - LOUD CRASH SOUND    VIRGINIA STEPS OUT OF A SECRET DOOR CECIL    Virginia! HIRAM    Goodness Gracious! WASHINGTON    [excited] A secret door! HIRAM    Good heavens! child, where have you been?  Cecil and I have been riding all over the country looking for you, and your mother has been frightened to death.  VIRGINIA    I have been with the ghost. CECIL    [rather melodramatic gasp]  How did you escape? VIRGINIA    Oh, Cecil, he is at peace, now.  He had been very wicked, but he was really sorry for all that he had done, and now-- [almost a sob] SOUND    DOOR FLUNG OPEN, FOOTSTEPS MRS. OTIS    My own darling!  Thank God you are found; you must never leave my side again!  [mmm - like a big hug, then] What is this? VIRGINIA    Sir Simon gave me this box before he died. WASHINGTON    But he's been dead for centuries. VIRGINIA    Only half dead, I think, would be more accurate.  Now he's entirely dead.  Finally able to sleep. GROVER    What's in the box? OSCAR    Yeah!  Open it! HIRAM    Your sister can open the box or not as she pleases.  She's not to be ordered around by monkeys like you two. SOUND    SMALL WOODEN BOX OPENS MRS. OTIS    Goodness!  MRS. UMNEY    The long-lost Canterville jewels!  Aaah. SOUND    BODY DROP MRS. OTIS    [exasperated sigh] She's fainted again. MUSIC   SCENE 16. AMB    VIRGINIA'S BEDROOM SOUND    GENTLE GIRLISH SNORING ELEANOR    [coming on, exasperated ghostly groans] SOUND    LADYLIKE CHAINS VIRGINIA    [waking] Huh?  Sir Simon? ELEANOR    [somewhat annoyed] No.  You've seen to that, so now I have nothing better-- VIRGINIA    Are you Lady Eleanor? ELEANOR    [surprised] Yes.  He-- he told you--? VIRGINIA    He gave me something for you.  SOUND    DRAWER PULLS OUT VIRGINIA    There. ELEANOR    A handkerchief? VIRGINIA    Open it. ELEANOR    But there's nothing-- VIRGINIA    Look closer. ELEANOR    A spot? VIRGINIA    A tear. ELEANOR    [stunned]  He ... cried--? VIRGINIA    He said he was very sorry for having killed you.  ELEANOR    [skeptical] Oh?  He did, did he? VIRGINIA    And for ruining your best bodice. ELEANOR    [believing] Oh! VIRGINIA    He hoped you could forgive him now and move on as well.  He wants you to join him, where the nightingales sing, and he can give you a bouquet of white flowers. ELEANOR    Yes.  [sigh]  I could do with some sleep.  MUSIC - rise and out CLOSER OLIVIA    Now that you know how to find us, don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...    

Finding out this ship is special.

When eccentric recluse Simon Strong, who lives in a perpetually chilled state, vanishes (leaving some rather suspicious remains behind), his only known associate—a teenage delivery girl—is interviewed by the police! Cast List Amber Sorensen - Krystal Baker Simon Strong - Joel Harvey Det. Phyllis Jermyn - Julie Hoverson Det. Howard Upton - Reynaud LeBoeuf Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Photo:  (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a police station, can't you tell?" ******************************************** Chillin' This didn’t actually begin with me choosing to adapt another Lovecraft story (in this case "Cool Air").  Frankly, I really liked the 1999 short film, and have a soft spot for the version made for Night Gallery back in the 70s, so I never really considered Cool Air as a priority for adaptation - it had already been done well.  Plus it was kind of low hanging fruit - one of the simpler, more straightforward stories to adapt. Previous to this, I had produced Within the Walls of Eryx, and even before that, while studying screenwriting, I had practiced adaptation by playing with The Thing on the Doorstep, turning it into an hour-long screenplay that I eventually re-wrote into an episode of 19 Nocturne Boulevard. Nope, this started when my niece Krystal and I went to see the film Juno. We enjoyed the movie, and leaving it I decided I wanted to write a sassy teenage character, and started clicking through plots in my head that I could slap her into.  The irony of sticking a character HPL would undoubtedly loathe into one of his stories did not escape me, and when "Cool Air" crossed my mind, it basically started to write itself. I hammered out the script in less than a week and sent it to Krystal and asked if Amber sounded reasonably authentic, since Krystal was right about that age herself.  Her response was "Could I please play her?"  She did, and did a great job.  I really love working with and encouraging kids in the arts. Sig and Laurie (mentioned in the story as Amber's folks, but in reality my own dad and stepmom) came to watch the recording session with Krystal and be supportive, and Laurie at least can be heard in the bloopers in the end.  I also owe great thanks to my friend Robyn who helped with the punk rock details.  She knows rock history back and forth and I knew I just needed the right comment or two to make the character really pop.  The story adaptation is extremely loose - in the original, a writer moves into a flat below a doctor who keeps his rooms unnaturally cold, and finds out that the doc has maintained his life, long past standard death, by keeping himself perpetually chilled, presumably at least in part to prevent decay. Rather than going the doctor/science route for my version, I went with magic and reanimation.  I did work a little hint into the story that Simon might be considering some further hocus pocus to preserve himself, but which might involve harming Amber, and he decides he can't.  On the other hand, Amber's slightly guilty concern about having her backpack possibly searched and her disregard for the missing "spooky books" might just indicate that she's not quite ready to let go yet. The original story "Cool Air" is also notable in that a female character is actually quoted as speaking - the landlady of the flats.  Of course, this is only so she can be a terrible ethnic stereotype, but at least she actually talks, and may be the only female in all of HPL's major works who does.  Stay tuned at the end of this for a short clip of the German version of Chillin' (retitled "Eiskalt") from Contendo Media!!! ******************************************** CHILLIN' Cast: Olivia (host) Amber Sorensen (16), punky teen Simon Strong (60s), aged punk rocker Det. Howard Upton (30s), tough cop Det. Phyllis Jermyn (30s), nice cop Bouncers OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a police station, can't you tell?  MUSIC    MODERN COP DRAMA STING SOUND    THUNK OF TAPE RECORDER TURNING ON.  AMBIANCE    INTERVIEW ROOM - WHIR OF TAPE RECORDER.  OCCASIONAL SCUFFLE OF CHAIRS UPTON    Name? AMBER    [mocking] Sorensen. Amber.  S-O-R-E-N-S-E-N.  O-N is Norwegian. UPTON    What? AMBER    [said a million times] O-N is Norwegian, E-N is Danish. UPTON    So you're Danish? AMBER     [disgusted noise] Do I sound Danish?  Uch.  Like my great great great great great was.  UPTON    Then why--? JERMYN    I understand.  My name gets misspelled all the time.  Let's move on.  Present are detectives Howard Upton and Phyllis Jermyn [pronounced "german", pause] J-E-R-M-Y-N, and Amber Sorensen, with an E-N.  UPTON    Age? AMBER    I have the right to remain silent.  I have the right to an attorney.  If I cannot afford one, one will be ... assigned?  Allotted?  I should know this - I watch enough Law and Order.  UPTON    [sigh] We don't read witnesses their rights.  That's for suspects.  Age? AMBER    [sullen] You got my I.D.  What does it say? UPTON    Hmm.  You don't look 21. JERMYN    [sympathetic] You really don't. AMBER    Fine.  So it's a fake - I want to speak to the D.A., like trade my information in return for a slide on the bogus I.D., can I‑‑?? SOUND    PHONE BEEP UPTON    Oh, turn that off.  Not just silent, either.  Off. SOUND    PHONE BEING TURNED OFF JERMYN    We're really not interested in prosecuting you.  We just want to know about Simon Strong. UPTON    The alleged Simon Strong.  AMBER    Dude.  He was the full meal deal, you know.  I watched videos of his band, from like before I was born, and it was totally him. UPTON    Then who was the deceased? AMBER    Like I said, it was him.  What?  Do you ride the short bus? UPTON    It couldn't be him, because you said you spoke with him recently, and-- JERMYN    [cutting him off]  Let's start at the beginning.  How did you meet Mr. Strong? AMBER    [miserable]  He hates being called Mister.  [deep breath, blasé lies]  I was making a delivery-- MUSIC   SFX    HEAVY METAL/PUNK MUSIC FADES INTO THE BACKGROUND, AMBER BECOMES VOICE OVER. AMBER [v.o.]    --of, some box or other.  I got inside, took the wrong turn-- SFX    MUSIC IS MUFFLED BY DISTANCE, BUT CLEARLY LOUD SOUND    AMBER'S HEAVY BREATHING UP CLOSE - SOUNDS LIKE ECSTASY, BUT IT'S JUST PANIC AND EXERTION. AMBER    Oh, shit! AMBER [v.o]    I was supposed to go to the manager's office-- SOUND    HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH AT A RUN SOUND    AMBER'S BREATHING QUICKENS.  HER FOOTSTEPS TAKE OFF QUICKLY. BOUNCER    [off] Get back here, dogmeat! AMBER [v.o]    And I just knocked on the wrong door. SOUND     HEAVY FEET ARE DISTANT, BUT APPROACHING.  SOUND    AMBER'S FEET GET CLOSE. SOUND    SLAM OF BODY AGAINST DOOR.  POUNDING ON DOOR AMBER    Let me in!  They're after me!!!  Please!  SOUND     POUNDING CONTINUES.  HEAVY FEET GET CLOSER AMBER    Please!  I - I'm having a heart attack!  Let me in or I'll totally die! SOUND    SLIDING DOOR OPENS AMBER    Whoa! SOUND    STUMBLING STEPS FORWARD, BODY FALLS, SLIDING DOOR SHUTS.  SFX    MUSIC CUTS OUT COMPLETELY. AMBER    Oh.  Shit.  Look, I'm-- SOUND    SCUTTLING ACROSS WOOD FLOOR SIMON     [filtered, mechanical sounding]  Look into the camera please. AMBER    Camera--?  Oh.  [shivers slightly]  SOUND    A COUPLE OF HESITANT FOOTSTEPS AMBER    Hi!  Look, can you just tell me how to get out of here?  There's no need for -- SIMON    [filter] What was that about a heart attack? AMBER    Oh, that.  That was - that was bullshit.  [joking]  I had it removed - years ago.   AMBIANCE    INTERVIEW ROOM [CUTS IN SUDDENLY] UPTON    Was your relationship with this Mister Strong, sexual? AMBER    Ew!!!  He was like my great grandad's age - like, even older than you! JERMYN    [coughs away a laugh]  You say you made the delivery and just happened to "make friends" with Strong?  Everyone else says he was a complete recluse.  Didn't like people. AMBER    Nah.  He liked people, but he was really sick.  I mean, like ill, not deviant. SIMON    [on filter]  Step through. SOUND    DOOR SLIDES OPEN MUSIC   AMBIANCE     COOL ROOM - THE HUM OF A HEAVY FREEZER UNIT AMBER    [gasps at the cold]  Whoa!  Um, can I just go?  I promise not to try any -- SIMON    [unfiltered, but rough and almost a whisper]  What WERE you trying? AMBER    I ... really just wanted to hear the band, but your guys caught me.  I mean, I assume since you're here, they're yours-- SIMON    I own the club, yes.  AMBER    [after a slight silence]  Okay, is it just me or is your heater broken?  [brr noise] SIMON    [dry chuckle]  AMBER    [noticing something] Dude!  SOUND    A COUPLE OF EXCITED FOOTSTEPS AMBER    Can you watch, like, the whole entire club from here? SFX    ELECTRIC WHEELCHAIR SHIFTS SIMON    [disinterested] I can-- AMBER    Omigod!  Do you have sound?  Is there a button? SIMON    --but it gets boring after a while.  AMBER    They're totally bumping uglies in the bathroom, right there!  Look!  Look! SOUND    SWITCH AMBER    [annoyed]  Hey! MUSIC   AMBIANCE    INTERVIEW ROOM CUTS IN UPTON    Sick?  What kind of disease did he have, Ebola?  The state of that body-- JERMYN    We really shouldn't go into that yet, Howie. AMBER    What time is it? UPTON    What?  Why? AMBER    Just asking.  You made me turn my phone off.  I have a curfew.  JERMYN    Would you like us to call home for you? AMBER    [shrug]  Nah.  UPTON    And your parents, they approved of all this? AMBER    My folks are...  Cool.  They don't care-- UPTON    Like they don't mind that hair cut? AMBER    Sig and Laurie let me do dumb stuff cause they know I won't do anything stupid.  UPTON    Like spending all your time hanging out in a bar? AMBER    It's a club.  And, for a rocker, Simon was pretty uptight about underage boozing and ...stuff.  UPTON    [leaps on it] Stuff?  What kind of stuff? AMBER    What?  Stuff.  Just ... stuff.  Dude, you need to switch to decaf.  Or valium. UPTON    Did you ever see this man with any illegal substances? AMBER    Well, he had all kinds of medications - being sick and all, and I [sounding mock sorry]  I guess I forgot to look them all up in the handy dandy book of all things illegal.  UPTON    I thought prescription pills were the latest thing these days.  AMBER    Only with the kind of freak whose parents go to shrinks and who have time to sit around and stare at carpet lint.  I got better things to do. JERMYN    Like what? AMBER    Plus it's dangerous.  You know what viagra can do to--  What? JERMYN     What kinds of things do you like to do? AMBER    I-- like music, I write. I function as a higher organism. UPTON    She means what do you plan to do with your life, Amber Sorensen with an E-N? JERMYN    Actually I was just-- AMBER    What do you want, a mission statement and a business plan?  Dude, I'm 16.  UPTON    I knew what I wanted to do at 16. AMBER    [muttered] But your ass is so tight it whistles.  JERMYN     [tries not to snicker] UPTON    Hmm? AMBER    [louder] I bet your dad was a cop. UPTON    So? AMBER    Nothing.  Just you seem like maybe you grew up with it.  UPTON    Are you gonna follow in your folks' footsteps? AMBER    [flat and sarcastic] Oh, yeah.  Weddings are my life. JERMYN    We don't want to keep you here all night - curfew, and all that.  What was wrong with your friend? AMBER    Simon said he had some kind of wasting thing -- MUSIC   AMBIANCE    COOL ROOM SIMON    Munoz syndrome.  I have to carefully regulate my body temperature. AMBER    So you're, like, Mr. Freeze?  Not exactly Ahh-nold, there, string bean. SIMON    And I have to avoid excitement.  AMBER    [pause]  That's a hint, eh?  Can I at least get out without going through the American Gladiators? SOUND    SLIDING DOOR OPENS AMBER    Thanks.  Hey, if you get completely bored or anything, my I-M is-- SIMON    No. AMBER    Um, ok.  You just seem kinda lonely. SOUND    HER SLOW FOOTSTEPS SFX    WHEELCHAIR SHIFTS AGAIN SIMON    Perhaps you could come back tomorrow, during the day.  I could use someone to run errands for me.  The pay would be reasonable.  AMBER    Could I watch the band? SIMON    You could watch from here, but you'd have to dress warmly-- AMBER    I'll bring a parka! MUSIC   AMBIANCE    INTERVIEW ROOM UPTON    Are you adopted? AMBER    [flabbergasted] What?  Whoa!  I think there are some low-flying non sequeters in here.  Did you see where that came from? JERMYN    Uh... no. UPTON    You call your parents [checks notes] um, Sig and Laurie. AMBER    Doh, everyone does.  [slow and condescending] Those are their names, Billy. UPTON    Most kids your age still call their folks mom and dad. AMBER    Maybe most kids your age.  Most of us would rather be cremated.  [shrugs] mm.  Except to their face.  The folks still like to think we're all the same little rugrats they knew and love.  [snort] UPTON    So you make a point of lying to your folks? AMBER    There's that non-sequeter again.  You should really get a bug zapper. JERMYN    You probably think of it as "humoring them" rather than lying. UPTON    Two faced is two faced. AMBER    If you can't be two-faced, you shoulda found a better one to be stuck with. UPTON    Look here-- AMBER    I bet you never get to play good cop.  UPTON    What? JERMYN    Howie, maybe we should take a break.  Get some water.  UPTON    [growl] I'm fine. JERMYN    Would you get me some?  Amber? AMBER    Uh, sure. UPTON    [annoyed noise]  SOUND    STOMPS OUT, DOOR SLAMS AMBER    Wow.  Where do I get one? JERMYN    Don't be fooled - I'm not always the good cop. AMBER    Oh? JERMYN    You say you don't do drugs.  We could test you-- AMBER    [disgusted noise] pssh. JERMYN    --and go through your backpack-- AMBER    [worried] Huh? JERMYN    But I'm going to trust you on that, because you walked right past one of our drug dogs on the way in, and I don't think you're the type to get caught in a stupid lie. AMBER    [thinks, then] You think I'll get caught in a smart one? JERMYN    Let's just agree that I won't underestimate you, and you do me the same favor. MUSIC   AMBIANCE    COLD ROOM SOUND    DOOR SLIDES OPEN SIMON    You can leave it there. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS AMBER    Hey.  Wassup? SOUND    WHIR OF WHEELCHAIR TURNING SIMON    [annoyed] What? AMBER    Just making conversation. SIMON    "Wassup" isn’t conversation. AMBER     It is if you answer.  Besides, with most of my friends, I-M-H-O, O-M-G, L-O-L is conversation.  Wassup is practically a monolog. SIMON    [snort, then painful noise, trying not to cough]  Well.  [dismissive] Now that that's settled-- AMBER    [overly casual] If you want me to go, just say.  [shrug] I got stuff to do. SOUND    a MOMENT, then FOOTSTEPS GO AWAY SIMON    [calling] You... you wanted to watch the band? MUSIC   AMBIANCE    INTERVIEW ROOM SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS UPTON    Your water. SOUND    WATER BOTTLES GET SLAMMED DOWN, ONE BY ONE JERMYN    Thank you. Howie. UPTON    [makes disgruntled noises] AMBER    Yeah.  Cheers, Howie. UPTON    [disgusted noise] Huh.  AMBER    Look, my parents actually like me to use their names - makes them feel like they're helping me assert my personhood or something.  I do it to humor them. UPTON    Fine. UPTON    [trying to sound unconcerned] We need a physical description of the alleged Mr. Strong. AMBER    Watch a video of Madness Machine on Youtube.  Then figure older.  A bunch older.  UPTON    How very...specific.  How tall was he? AMBER    That's kind of a pickle.  I never saw him stand up - he was always in his bumper car. UPTON    What? JERMYN    The mechanized wheelchair. AMBER    He had to avoid exerting himself  [thinking]  OK, so imagine classic Simon, then really thin - like even more than heroin-chic, maybe almost to starving third world skinny. JERMYN    Could it have been faked?  Perhaps something in the way he dressed? AMBER    Doubtful, Phyllis.  He usually kicked it in jams.  Not much to hide behind.  UPTON    Speak English. AMBER    [sounding british-ish]  The subject in question had a strong tendency to desport himself in capacious yet abbreviated trousers, much as those the predominant choice of American surfboard riders lean toward. JERMYN    [Snicker] UPTON    You mean he wore shorts.  In that cold? MUSIC   AMBIANCE    COLD ROOM SIMON    If it bothers you, I could put something else on. AMBER    Yeah, 'cuz like you're so tasty, Bubba-Ho-Tep, that I'm gonna totally jump on you if you keep wheeling around half-naked like that.  [beat]  Nah - it's kinda creepy, but I'll adjust.  Like having a weird uncle. SIMON    [wheezy laugh]  AMBER    But a cool one.  I mean - not just [brr], but cool. SIMON    I must be, since you're neglecting your social whirl to spend time here in this arctic wasteland.  AMBER    Oh, yeah - I have to sneak out the window to get away from the endless line of bimboons waiting to take me to the prom. SIMON    Bimboon?  AMBER    It's like someone in a boy band,  The guy equivalent of a bimbo.  SIMON    [laughs]  MUSIC   AMBIANCE    INTERVIEW ROOM UPTON    He scooted around in a wheelchair, wearing shorts, and you didn't think that was odd? AMBER    Duh.  Of course. UPTON    But you never told anyone about him? AMBER    He'd'a been pissed.  Plus people woulda thought - you know - creepy stuff. UPTON    What if he decided to try something? AMBER    Beep beep.  I can outrun a wheelchair.  At least as far as the stairs. UPTON    And what if he could really get up? AMBER    I doubt it, Billy.  He didn't have any little blue pills. UPTON    [flustered] I didn't--  I meant get up and walk. AMBER    Yeah you did.  You're the one who's all worried he's gonna go perv on me. UPTON    If you were my daughter-- AMBER    Get out of the way of the door.  One of us would probably be dead. MUSIC   AMBIANCE    COLD ROOM AMBER    The bottles - it's all for your illness, right?  Like the meth lab in the bathroom? SIMON    [shocked]  It's not a--! AMBER    Doh, yeah.  I was kidding.  So is it a big secret experiment thing?  SIMON    I - I keep tracking down recipes for preparations and elixirs that ... that might help me.  Some seem to work for a little while, but nothing ... lasts. MUSIC   AMBIANCE    INTERVIEW ROOM JERMYN    [snap] Howie.  Did you have any more questions? UPTON    What about his hair? AMBER    [snapped back] What?  It looked pretty much the same. UPTON    A-ha!  Too clever for his own good. AMBER    Not every guy over 50 needs canned hair, Billy. UPTON    And this guy claimed to be THE Simon Strong. AMBER    I already told you he was.  I didn't even know who that was that first time, cause like I'd never heard of him before, but soon as I could, I googled him and voy-la! UPTON    Vwa-la. AMBER    [whispered] Beep Beep. UPTON    What? JERMYN    For the record, Simon Strong was the lead singer and songwriter for a punk band called Madness Machine in the mid to late 1970s.  AMBER    American punk band. UPTON    Who cares? AMBER    [earnest] It's important - British punk was British punk and American punk was-- JERMYN    But you'd never heard of this band before you met Strong? AMBER    [sigh]  Pre-cisely.  Funny sort of six degrees thing, though - once I saw the band name, it clicked, 'cuz my grandad had one of their albums in his LP collection.  Serious.  How's that for whoo-OO-oo [spooky noise]? UPTON    [disbelieving snort] Your grandpa listened to punk? AMBER    Duh.  He willed his tattoos to science.  Stay back from the door, Billy. JERMYN    You said you met Mr. Strong --? AMBER    Halloween night.  That's why they had such a cool band in the house. JERMYN    About nine months, then.  And how often did you see him? AMBER    Most days.  I did his shopping and stuff and stopped in for a chat.  MUSIC   AMBIANCE    COOL ROOM SIMON    Are you a retard?  The Sex Pistols were totally the Monkees of punk.  They were a made band.  Their manager put them together. AMBER    [teasing] I suppose you met him too? SIMON    Once.  How much respect can you have for a guy who also created Bow Wow Wow? AMBER    Bow Wow What? SIMON    You must ride the short bus.  Beep beep, Billy, don't stand in the way of the door.  [wheezy chuckle]  The Ramones, now, they were the real thing.  They lived punk. AMBER    You're pretty feisty for an old crip who's s'posed to keep frosty. SIMON    [dry chuckle] MUSIC   AMBIANCE    INTERVIEW ROOM JERMYN    When our people searched the "residence" over the club, they found a number of, um - unusual items. AMBER    Like? JERMYN    The enormous refrigeration unit that apparently kept the place fairly, um-- UPTON    Meat locker-ish.  AMBER    [wry]  So he was cool.  So? UPTON    According to electric company records, he was using enough energy to be frozen.  AMBER    And?  What, didn't he pay his bill?  It's his business what he does with his juice. UPTON    There are a lot of things you can do with that much juice.  Things, for instance, that the narcotics squad would be very interested in.  AMBER    [exasperated] Beep beep. UPTON    I am getting really sick of-- JERMYN    Amber.  Can you shed any light on the occult paraphernalia he apparently collected? AMBER    It's not like I had the run of the place.  We'd just hang in the main room - where all the video consoles are.  He talked about some old books, though. JERMYN    Did you ever see anyone else with him?  Did he talk about other visitors? AMBER     Oh, heck no.  He didn't like people to see how sick he was, but like, since I already knew, he had somebody to talk to, right? AMBIANCE    COOL ROOM SOUND    DOOR SLIDES SHUT AMBER    Hey!  SIMON    [anxious] You're late. AMBER    [aping his wiped out voice] "Hi Amber, so glad to see you." SIMON    I was exp-- [slight chuckle, sigh]  I am.  Yes. AMBER    You worried about me or your [singsong] Special Delivery!? SIMON    It's here? AMBER    No, it's a phone book I wrapped up and sent the long way, let's see, through - wow.  Egypt and London?  That's tight! SIMON    Open it, please. AMBER    'kay. SOUND    PAPER UNWRAPS FROM LARGE BOOK. AMBER    Oh, jeez - you got so ripped off. SIMON    What do you mean? AMBER    This is such a gag gift.  It's like from that movie - "I'll swallow your soul!  I'll swallow your soul!" SIMON    Give it here.  [pause]  Ah.  No, this is the real thing.  The dark jewel of any occult collection. AMBER     [sniffing] Ok, so it smells older than Bruce Campbell, but still -- SIMON    I need to be alone.  Come back next Wednesday. MUSIC   AMBIANCE    INTERVIEW ROOM AMBER    He did burn incense and drink weird stuff.  I figured it was alternative medicine, or maybe Kabbalah - that's all the rage with the red carpet crowd, right? UPTON    Did he ever say what was wrong with him? AMBER    Mun-yoes syn-drome, Billy. UPTON    Stop calling-- JERMYN    But what is Munoz syndrome?  Did you ever, say, Google it? AMBER    Well, yeeah.  There were a couple - but they had longer names, and were like degenerative eye diseases, so I figured, you know, that wasn't it. UPTON    Did you ever ask him? AMBER    Well, right off I asked if it was catching, and he said no, so I figured that's all I care about, and if wants to talk about it he'll say. MUSIC   AMBIANCE    COOL ROOM SIMON    Munoz syndrome is extremely rare.  I contracted it almost thirty years ago-- AMBER    Ooh!  Let me guess.  When you [reporter voice] "vanished from the public eye"! SIMON    Where--? AMBER     Wikipedia.  Shh.  I'm shushing. SIMON    My band was in New Orleans, when this came on.  Normal medicine couldn't help, so I turned to the uh, folk practitioners. AMBER    Like Voodoo?  No wonder you're buying all creepy books and incense. SIMON    It's a lot more serious than movie voodoo, but that's close.  AMBER    And the cold? SIMON    It slows my metabolism.  AMBER      Mine too - Brr. SFX    THE HUM OF THE FREEZER DIPS FOR A MOMENT SIMON    [gasps and holds his breath until the power returns] AMBER    Wha--? SIMON    [very tense]  The wiring's getting old.  AMBER    So get a new fridge. SIMON    No, the building's wiring.  Between music and lights and all, it carries quite a load. AMBER    You should move, then - and before summer.  Seriously. SIMON    How can I go anywhere?  I have to stay a constant level. AMBER    I dunno.  [thinking]  Hey, ice cream truck - I once saw this movie where they were carting a corpse around in the back-- SIMON    [strong]  No.  No.  Tomorrow, maybe you could look at generators.  MUSIC   AMBIANCE    INTERVIEW ROOM JERMYN    But he was well off - according to the IRS. AMBER    He spent a buttload on his creepy books and exotic bags of dirt and stuff.  [catching herself]  Or, that's what he told me.  UPTON    And he trusted you to carry around these expensive packages? AMBER    I didn't know what they were.  I'd probably have freaked and got all paranoid.  He said other people were after them, too. UPTON    [eager] Other people?  Do you think they might have taken the books after Strong disappeared? AMBER    Tscha.  He didn't disappear.  He's dead.  Beep Beep. UPTON    [takes in an angry breath] JERMYN    Ok, let's go back-- UPTON     No, let's talk about this.  You're saying that the corpse you discovered in that - what you call "the cold room" - was the person you knew as Simon Strong. AMBER    It had to be. UPTON    Then pray explain to me how it could be that that body had been dead for well over a decade? AMBER    [shrug, statement]  You're wrong. UPTON    So all our experts are wrong.  And you know better. AMBER    [trying] Your experts obviously aren't familiar with Munoz Syndrome.  That's all. UPTON     Right.  So you know better.  You know what I think? JERMYN    [warning]  Howie... UPTON    No, Phyl.  Not this time.  I'm getting tired of this little girl, trying to live in a dream world.  She needs a dose of harsh reality. AMBER    [hysterical laughter]  Harsh reality?  [can't stop laughing]  You don't have a clue how harsh reality can get.  [breaks down into tears] MUSIC   AMBIANCE    COLD ROOM SIMON    Turn the thermostat down a bit, would you? AMBER    Down?  Dude, my eyeballs are already icing over.  SIMON    [pause] Maybe you shouldn't come here any more. AMBER    [upset]  What?  [beat, then blasé]  And lose the school credit I'm getting for looking after the elderly and infirm?  Uh-uh. SIMON    [slight wheezing laugh, turns into cough, then deep breath]  I... I probably won't last much longer. AMBER    No way!  You're fine!  Well, not fine, but‑‑ SIMON    It's been coming for a long time.  And the elixirs aren't working any more.  Nothing is working. AMBER    The book can't--? SIMON    I thought there would be things I could ...bring myself to do, but it's not worth it. AMBER    It's always worth living. SIMON    When I'm gone, take it and burn it.  Promise? AMBER    If you can't use it, sell it!  Use the money to get more colder.  You'll be fine. SIMON    No.  SFX    POWER DIP, THEN HUM RETURNS SIMON    [long shaky breath]  I always think it will be the last one.  AMBER    I'LL buy you a generator. SIMON    Have you seen the gas prices recently?  Cooling takes too much energy - even if you get one, I won't be able to afford the gasoline.  MUSIC   AMBIANCE    INTERVIEW ROOM AMBER    [still breathing in little gasps, coming down from a crying jag] SOUND    WATER BOTTLE OPENED JERMYN    Drink. SOUND    PLASTIC BOTTLE SET ON TABLE UPTON    [annoyed] Are you through?  AMBER    [cough, sniff] UPTON    So, here's what I think is going on.  This guy has been trying to establish himself as Simon Strong, famous recluse and mysterious celebrity. AMBER    That's too dumb even for the short bus. UPTON    Oh, yeah?  Dumb to the tune of half a mil a year.  Between the club, which the real Strong did purchase in December of 1979, and the royalties on his old music - particularly the musical um, chunks, or segments-- JERMYN    Riffs. UPTON    Yes, whatever, that people used in their own-- JERMYN    Sampled. UPTON    [deep annoyed sigh] During the 80s and 90s-- [waits, but there is no interjection] --he had pots of money rolling in. AMBER    Which he spent on books and crud.  I told you. UPTON     Kid, no one spends that much on books.  Did you ever actually see these books, or did you just bring him book-shaped packages? AMBER    [silent for a beat]  No, I guess I never actually saw them. UPTON    I say he's been salting it away, staying around long enough to move everything to the Caymans and then - Voy-la - take a powder. AMBER    But the body-- JERMYN    [sadly] WAS the real Simon Strong.  Dental records have confirmed it.  But Amber, he'd been dead for a very long time.  UPTON    Which explains the cold.  The fake didn't want the - uh - deceased stinking up the place. AMBER    [muttered] Yeah, easier to freeze the whole place, than just pack a corpse in a chest freezer. JERMYN    Are you up to telling us how you discovered the body? AMBER    [very subdued] Sure.  I got to the club, and everything was dark.  I freaked-- Well, I got really worried, and ran up to his room.  The body was just... there... and it was... JERMYN    --In an advanced state of decomposition. AMBER    Yeah, that. MUSIC   SFX    NO SOUND OF FRIDGE, JUST DISTANT STREET NOISES.  SOUND    DOOR SLIDES OPEN WITH DIFFICULTY. AMBER     [Grunts] Dammit, open!  damm---it [squeaks through]  Simon!  Simon?  [almost chokes] What is-- oh jeez! SOUND    HESITANT FOOTSTEPS SOUND    SQUISHY MOVEMENT NOISE AMBER    What the he-e-e-ll? SIMON    [Almost inaudible]  Turn off the flashlight.  SOUND    CLICK FLASHLIGHT OFF AMBER    I'll get you some ice, I'll --- SIMON    Damage is done.  Don't go.  I wasn't sure if I wanted you here or not -- for this. AMBER    Can I--?  Do you need--? SIMON    Don't... touch me.  Please.  Just listen.  Listen!  Take the books and burn them.  I need to know you will. AMBER    Yeah, sure. SIMON    I- I've willed the club to you.  Don't get your hopes up, the police aren't going to .... [trails off]  AMBER    Simon!  [breaking down] I don't want you to die.  You can't die! [etc., sobbing] SIMON    This isn't -- I... haven't... been living...  for a long time.  Let me go. AMBER    No! SIMON    Shh!  AMBER    [controls herself] Shushing. [gasp] SIMON    In 1977, I O.D.ed on heroin and, [gasping cough] -- I... died.  It was never reported because a local Bocor brought me back... AMBER    [small voice]  Like a zombie? SIMON    [sigh, not quite a chuckle]  I knew you'd understand. AMBER    But we can do it again, right?  Bring you back? SIMON    [dying, trailing off]  Beep Beep.  Get out of the way of the door, Billy.... AMBER    [sobs] MUSIC   AMBIANCE    INTERVIEW ROOM AMBER    Guess I'm glad it ain't him - the ... borscht.  But he was cool.  For an old dude. UPTON    If he contacts you in any way-- AMBER    [dryly sarcastic] Oh, sure.  I'll be right on the phone to you. UPTON    Do you understand the meaning of accessory to fraud?  Harboring a fugitive, maybe? AMBER    Well, I do watch a lot of TV.  Besides, it's not like I'm getting anything out of it. UPTON    The club has been transferred into your name, Amber Sorensen with an E-N.  The heirs of the real Simon Strong will probably contest it. AMBER    Pff.  Don't care.  Are we done? JERMYN    You'll have to wait a few minutes while your statement is typed up.  Once you sign it, you're good to go. AMBER     Sure.  Hey, did your CSI guys really not find any books or anything at the scene? JERMYN    Nothing of any importance.  UPTON    And no clue to his offshore account. AMBER    Hmm.  Oh well.  [grunts with effort] SOUND    CREAK OF LIFTING A HEAVY BACKPACK ONTO HER BACK JERMYN    You going to be OK without a coat?  It's a bit chilly out tonight. SOUND    DOOR OPENS.  SFX    OFFICE NOISE.  SOUND     COUPLE FOOTSTEPS AMBER    Really?  [laughs]  Nah.  I'm cool. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS LEAVE. MUSIC    MODERN COP THEME, FADE OUT CLOSER OLIVIA    Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back.  Maybe next week?  Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...   ********************************************

Chapter 5 - The trip to Jupiter goes ... oddly

[The Outpost won the Gold Mark Time Award for best sci fi audio drama for 2008] You wake up, millions of light years away, in a place nothing like home.  ...What do YOU do? Cast List Grant Hickey - Gene Thorkildsen Vanessa 98949 - Julie Hoverson Lassiter - Russell Gold Yasmin - Melissa D. Johnson Recorder - Beverly Poole Episode and incidental music from the album "...go..." by Sulatus (www.sulatus.cbl.pl).  (available on Jamendo.com) [Used under a Creative Commons license.] Show theme:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it?  Would you believe it's a habitat, in an asteroid cloud, in a distant corner of the galaxy?" ********************************************************* The Outpost This story was very loosely inspired by the movie Suna No Onna (Woman in the Dunes), from 1964; directed by Hiroshi Teshigahara from the novel by Kôbô Abe, as adapted by Eiko Yoshida, starring Eiji Okada and Kyôko Kishida and the sand.  It's an awesome film - superficially about a man who is trapped by a small town and placed with a woman as her new husband.  In the film, he's an office worker and amateur entymologist seeking to make some kind of name for himself by finding a new species of bug on his day trip to a beach.  He falls asleep and wakes to find he missed the last bus, but a local town has someone who will take him in for the night  - a woman who lives at the bottom of this odd huge sand pit.  The whole town live at the bottoms of these pits, and we slowly realize that the sand has built up over the town for generations, and they just dig out the areas around the huts by night and have the sand taken away. The woman lost her husband and child in a sandslide and cannot handle the work of digging the sand all by herself, so they have placed the man with her as her new husband - letting him down and taking away the ladder.  The man also finds out that he's not the only one - other men in other houses were similarly abducted. I didn’t want to work with any of that for my story, specifically since I had determined to make it a gender reverse, and a woman kidnapped and handed to a man to be trapped as his wife is kind of ... a lot of real history. So I focused on the subtext and themes of the movie.  At its heart, it's a culture clash, the man representing "modern japan" (in the 60s) and the town and woman being so traditional that they won't even leave ancient homes that are being devoured by the sand.  In modern life, people are cogs, and he's coming from a life where he's basically interchangeable - hardly even missed when he vanishes - into one where the good of the community and the comfort of the partner are directly affected by the actions of the individual and each person is therefore important. That gave me a more satisfying framework to play with.  By creating these two cultures - the efficient and interchangeable people she comes from - where even her personal achievements are somewhat generic - and the humble, personal, and individual life in the asteroids, where he takes time to respect the dead, and is proud of his little triumphs. I also wanted an equivalent to the sand.  The film is basically a three character piece, with the sand as much a presence as the two people in it.  I made the outpost, with its gripes and problems, sounds, and needs, as similar to that as I could.   I like to think it's the writing that makes this episode really great but I give a lot of credit to my costar, for being able to bring to life a male character that is strong without being overbearing, who is in control without being controlling, and who is never ashamed to feel. That left me free to be a bitch.  Of course the climax comes in both stories when the captive has a chance to walk away.  I won't spoil it. **************************************************************** THE OUTPOST Cast: Olivia (host) Grant Hickey (M20s-30s), calm and lonely. Stoic, eager. Vanessa 98949 (F20s-30s), sharp and commanding, modern Recorder (any) Lassiter (M20s-30s), on Janice (another nearby outpost) Yasmin (20s), another survivor of the Xanadu OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's an outpost in an asteroid cloud, can't you tell?  MUSIC AMBIANCE     INSIDE OUTPOST MU LAMBDA EPSILON [Millie] SOUND    MACHINE AND ELECTRONIC NOISES, SLOSHING OF LIQUID VANESSA    [waking up noises, then with a start, coughing] GRANT    Easy now.  Just breathe. VANESSA    [breathing, coughing a bit] GRANT    Tell me.  Do you know your name? VANESSA    My what?  Of course. GRANT    Tell me your name. VANESSA    Vanessa 9 [breaks into coughing] GRANT    [incredulous]  Your name is Vanessa 9? VANESSA    Don't be stupid.  It's Vanessa 98949.  How old do I look? [coughing] GRANT    [not a clue] Um... VANESSA    Where am I? GRANT    I'll tell you whatever you wanna know.  Later.  You're all wrung out. VANESSA    Nonsense.  I am ordering you to tell me-- GRANT    Now there ain't no call to get huffy, miss. VANESSA    [offended]  Where is your Vox?  I plan to let her know precisely-- GRANT    My what? VANESSA    [altering slightly] Your Vox?  The one who gives you orders? GRANT    Ain't got none.  VANESSA    There must be a female around here somewhere! GRANT    Nope.  Just me.  And you. VANESSA    What the hell kind of place is this?  [pain]  ooh....  ah. GRANT    There, now.  You lie back down and get yourself some rest.  [fogging out]  Waking from deepsub is no cakewalk... MUSIC VANESSA    [waking sharply again, gasp] Ohh. SOUND    SWOOSH OF POD HATCH OPENING, HESITANT FOOTSTEPS, A STUMBLE VANESSA    Where is that throwback?  Hmm? SOUND    SHE PICKS UP A NOTE AND A RADIO VANESSA    [reading] Frequency 12.  great.  [louder, commanding]  Frequency 12. SOUND    NOTHING VANESSA    [more strident] Frequency 12.  [Ugh!] SOUND    RADIO UNIT BEING SHAKEN, CRACKLES TO LIFE VANESSA    [hesitant] Frequency 12?  Is there anyone here? GRANT    [on filter]  No need to holler.  VANESSA    Your comm unit isn't set to recognize my voice! GRANT    [baffled] Oh.  I'll... see what I can do.  You need anything? VANESSA    [snap] No.  Well, I could use something to eat. GRANT    All righty.  I have to finish up something, and I'll be down as soon as I can.  SOUND    CLICK RADIO OFF VANESSA    What?  You get down here immediately!  Ugh! SOUND    THROWS RADIO UNIT - SOMETHING SNAPS MUSIC SOUND    SHE PACES SOUND    DOOR SWOOSHES OPEN, HE ENTERS, DOOR SHUTS GRANT    [sigh] All righty.  Brought you some chow. VANESSA    [seething]  It's been almost an entire hour! GRANT    [matter of fact]  You caught me outside.  Was quicker to finish what I was doing than to come in and get back out again later. VANESSA    Give me that. SOUND    TRAY RATTLES GRANT    [grunt of effort] No. VANESSA    What?  How dare you? GRANT    You're in my home, and if you can't be civil, then ... well, I can be downright rude too. VANESSA    There must be someone else here - I will report your behavior--! GRANT    Nope.  Just me.  Like I told you. VANESSA    Take me to your comm unit-- GRANT    No.  VANESSA    [faltering] But I-- GRANT    You can ask nicely. VANESSA    [indignant] What?  How can you even look me in the face and say such a thing, male? GRANT    [beat, then sigh]  Call me again when you're in a better mood. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SWOOSHES OPEN VANESSA    [up]  The-- [deep breath, forces herself to a nicer tone] The radio is broken.  GRANT    Broken?  Hold up. SOUND    SETS TRAY DOWN. PICKS UP RADIO VANESSA    I... shook it.  It wouldn't listen to me! SOUND    RADIO SHAKES, RATTLES GRANT    Hmm.  Looks like I'm gonna have to get in there. SOUND    VANESSA TRIES TO BE SNEAKY, GRABBING SOMETHING TO EAT GRANT    But I still don't understand what you're saying about-- [sees her eating, makes an impatient noise] VANESSA    [around a mouthful]  You expect me to starve?  I just woke from deepsub.  I require caloric intake. GRANT    [sigh, tsks]  SOUND    HIS FOOTSTEPS LEAVE, DOOR SWOOSHES SHUT MUSIC SOUND    TINKERING WITH MACHINERY - LITTLE ZAP NOISES, ETC. VANESSA    Just ...about ...there! SOUND    BLIP AS SOMETHING TURNS ON RECORDER    [crackly] Life pod B-L-T-L-1-4-5, ship Xanadu, designated X-14-Z-3-J--2-0-5-- VANESSA    [real relief]  Finally - a civilized voice!  Recorder.  Play back the Xanadu's final entry. RECORDER    Final log entry of star cruiser Xanadu.  G-vector, Delta quadrant, encountered space debris.  Explosion.  Unknown cause.  Xanadu evac mandated.  Pods loosed at ship day 172, T-vector, speed normal. VANESSA    Calculate time in transit. RECORDER    Calculating.  One thousand, three hundred and eighty two days since Xanadu Evac. SOUND    DOOR OPENS VANESSA    Four years--? GRANT    [off] You were on a star cruiser?  VANESSA    [gasp] SOUND    BONKS HEAD AS SHE REACTS GRANT    That musta been interesting. VANESSA    Yes, I am part of the crew of the Star Cruiser Xanadu, bound for Ganymede 800 in the Gargon nebula.  There will be people looking for me. GRANT    [rueful]  Not here they won't. VANESSA    What do you mean? GRANT    I don't know what all your specs there are, but first, no one much comes this far out, and second, well, I do know the Gargon Nebula is hellagone from here. VANESSA    You have to let me contact someone. GRANT    Nope.  I don't have to do anything. VANESSA    I order you!  As third under-lieutenant subchief, engineering bay 5 of the star cruiser Xanadu, I command you to take me to your comm room. GRANT    Pff.  SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS LEAVE VANESSA    [very last second] Please. GRANT    [off, leaning in]  Wish I could.  Left you some food there.  SOUND    DOOR SHUTS MUSIC SOUND    ELECTRONIC MENDING NOISES SOUND    DOOR OPENS GRANT    Whatcha doing? VANESSA    Keeping busy.  What do you want? GRANT    You about ready to come out?  VANESSA    Out of what? GRANT    The room here? VANESSA    The room? [working up] You kept me locked up in here, and now you ask-- GRANT    Door don't even lock.  I was wondering why you never-- SOUND    HER STOMPING FOOTSTEPS VANESSA    Door open!  See?  Nothing happens! GRANT    Well o'course not.  Doors don't have ears. VANESSA    Normal doors take orders.  Radios too. GRANT    You're an underengineer sub chief thingee and you don't even know how to work a door? VANESSA    Normal doors take orders! GRANT    Well, I guess we're all a bit old fashioned here.  This is how you open the door.  Wave your hand right here-- SOUND    WhoooosH.  DOOR OPENS VANESSA    [sullen] Oh.  I see.  Wait! GRANT    What? SOUND    SLAMS HIM UP AGAINST THE WALL VANESSA    You said we're all a bit old fashioned - who is "we"? GRANT    [controlling some strong emotion, at being slammed against a wall] Well - um - I was including the doors and all.  [deep breath] Since you like t'talk to them all. SOUND    SHE LETS GO MUSIC GRANT    [off] To the left there. SOUND    DOOR SWOOSHES OPEN. A COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS, THEY SLOW VANESSA    This is it? GRANT    [pride] Yup.  Millie's brain center.  There are 42 more like her spread throughout the cloud - um, here. SOUND    BUTTONS PUSH. SCREEN HUMS TO LIFE GRANT    Pretty, huh? VANESSA    It's rubbish. GRANT    [hurt, but covering]  Millie has 12 chambers - each a self-sealing unit, in case of breaches - and a backup-- VANESSA    How do you call out? GRANT    Hmm? VANESSA    Out!  How do you call out!  I need to make arrangements to get the hell out of here! GRANT    It don't quite work that-- VANESSA    Nothing here works!  Nothing works at all! [almost hysterical] SOUND    SLAP VANESSA    [stunned gasp] GRANT    Now I'm real sorry about that, but you need to breathe.  And let me finish my sentences. VANESSA    I could have you up on charges so fast! GRANT    Well, not here, you couldn't.  [sigh]  Now, as I was about to say, you can call the other habitats, or the quarterly supply ship - if he's in range.  Just might be - he come through here only last week. VANESSA    Another male?  What is this, throwback central? GRANT    What you got against fellows? VANESSA    [disgusted noise] Males have been proven inferior and in the civilized galaxy have been effectively relegated to a purely functional capacity. GRANT    You mean where you come from is all ladies?  Don't it get boring? VANESSA    What?  What are you implying--? GRANT    Just - well, how do you have kids? VANESSA    GRANT    So everyone has to have kids?  VANESSA    No one "has" children. [shrugs, indifferent] Everyone donates genetic material, and it's automatically matched up with compatible fertilizing agents.  Children belong to the community, and are raised in a proper safe environment, under supervision.  GRANT    But - those poor little boys and girls-- VANESSA    Girls. GRANT    [sigh] Them poor little kids, never knowing who their - mommas are. VANESSA    They're cared for by properly trained personnel.  Much better for their long-term physical and mental health.  How would someone like me, with a career on a star cruiser, ever find that sort of time? GRANT    That's real sad. VANESSA    Not to mention, I haven't spent my life immersed in study of childhood ailments and development. GRANT    Well, neither did my mama. VANESSA    Yes.  I'm sure. GRANT    [hurt, slightly annoyed]  Look, you can mock me, and turn your nose up at Millie, but don't you never speak ill of my mama.  SOUND    CRACKLE OF STATIC LASSITER    [scratchy, on filter] Hey Grant?  You there?  Grant?  You there?  SOUND    SQUEAK OF CHAIR, CLICK GRANT    Yup.  Whatcha need? LASSITER    [scratchy, on filter] That capsule thing you sold me - you got yours to work OK? GRANT    [hurried] Ah, hell.  Let me call you back, Lassiter. SOUND    CLICK VANESSA    [absolute fury] Sold? GRANT    I got work to do. SOUND    SLIGHT SCUFFLE, SHE BLOCKS HIM FROM LEAVING VANESSA    [not quite screaming] Was he talking about a deepsub pod like mine?  GRANT    [muttered] I find all sorts of things. VANESSA    You sold a - a - a PERSON to that - that male? GRANT    What makes you think the pod weren't empty? VANESSA    That's slavery!  And you know what that means? GRANT    Don't matter.  Sides, what would I do with two of y'all out here? VANESSA    The same as you're doing with one - nothing at all! GRANT    [standing up to her a bit]  Yup.  long as I'm talking to you, I'm doing nothing at all.  Like I said, I got work to do. SOUND    HE LEAVES, DOOR MUSIC VANESSA    It was one of these switches-- SOUND    RADIO STATIC VANESSA    Yes!  [lower, into the mike] Lassiter?  Come in Lassiter? LASSITER    [scratchy, on filter]  Huh?  Who's this?  VANESSA    I'm at .... Millie.  LASSITER    [scratchy, on filter]  Excellent - it did work!  You tell Grant to let me know what he did, y'hear? VANESSA    To wake up the woman in the pod? LASSITER    [scratchy, on filter] Yeah.  [eager] I can't wait. VANESSA    [warning] Lassiter.  You do know it's vastly illegal to rescue someone and then force them into slavery, don't you? LASSITER    [scratchy, on filter]  What? VANESSA    If you press her into service, you are committing high seas slavery, according to Rule 4715 D of the unitary code. LASSITER    [scratchy, on filter]  Is Grant there?  Can you put him on? VANESSA    Shut up! LASSITER    [scratchy, on filter]  Jeez. VANESSA    Lassiter.  I will make a bargain with you. LASSITER    [scratchy, on filter]  I dunno-- VANESSA    I will help you revive the survivor, if you will --  let me talk to her as soon as she wakes up. LASSITER    [scratchy, on filter]  Sure. VANESSA    And if you understand that I will find a way to come over there and kill you if you hurt her in any way. LASSITER    [scratchy, on filter]  Hurt her?  Hey!  I paid good money for-- VANESSA    Agh! MUSIC YASMIN    [scratchy, on filter]  What do I do? VANESSA    Be placating - we have to try and get together, make our way home. YASMIN    Aye-aye, Vox.  Data mode for now.  I await your word. VANESSA    Remind him I will kill him if he hurts you. YASMIN    He doesn't seem very threatening.  I could put him down if I have to. VANESSA    Good.  Engineer Vanessa 98949 Out. YASMIN    Yasmin 222338 Out. GRANT    [sad] Whatcha doing? SOUND    CHAIR WHIPS AROUND VANESSA    Huh? GRANT    I see you found your friend. VANESSA    We were part of the same crew.  I have rank, so I told her I would protect her.  It's my duty. GRANT    Protect her?  From Lassiter?  He ain't some kinda --  of -- I ain't even sure what you're thinking he is. VANESSA    A man. SOUND    GETS UP FROM CHAIR GRANT    [realizing]  Are you afraid of me? VANESSA    [thinks, then] You hold all the cards.  All you have to do is refuse me food, and I'm helpless. GRANT    I wouldn't do that! VANESSA    You already did. GRANT    I was trying to get you to-- Look, if I wanted to actually hurt you, I gotta blaster for that.  I just wanted you to think twice and act civil. VANESSA    How many more were there? GRANT    More? VANESSA    Of the deepsub pods.  Did you just find the two? GRANT    [grudging]  Four.  Total.  Lassiter's was the last to revive, so all of y'all are all right. VANESSA    All right?  Let me talk to them! GRANT    You gotta learn to stop giving me orders.  You're not my momma. VANESSA    Your mother is--? GRANT    She died.  Since then... [shrug]  I got work to do. VANESSA    [belligerent] What is this work that seems to constantly demand your attention? GRANT    You ask nice, you'll get a lot more answers. VANESSA    [beat, then making an effort]  What is it that you do all day? GRANT    Salvage.  Used to be mining, but the cloud here grabs every lump of crap out of the nearest 10-20 sectors, so salvage pays a helluva lot better.  VANESSA    Salvage? GRANT    And maintenance.  Millie here's old.  I keep her limping along, but it's truly full time.  SOUND    DOOR OPENS GRANT    Come on.  I'll show you where the food units are.  Then you ain't gotta wait on me if you get hungry. MUSIC GRANT    So this switch here changes the band - you gotta jiggle it a bit, here, sometimes.  And this list here shows all the other habitats  - the ones up top are closest - most reliable for contact.  Next down, these three - well - I ain't heard from them in a while.  Not even sure they're still... functional.  VANESSA    Vacated? GRANT    No one vacates.  Not unless--  But [trying to convince himself] comm equipment goes down sometimes - a lot - and it's a bitch to get the right parts. VANESSA    All the habitats are as old as ...this one? GRANT    Yeah, they were built for miners - never really meant to be permanent, but you know how things go. VANESSA    Why don't you leave? GRANT    Leave? VANESSA    If you sell your salvage, it must go somewhere.  Someone must be buying it.  Why don't you just go, too? GRANT    Why? VANESSA    You say it's a full time job just keeping this place from falling down around your ears.  So find another place. GRANT    But this is my home.  I was born right here in Millie. VANESSA    It is falling apart.  I hope you don't think I plan to stay here with you. GRANT    [beat, then neutral] Course not.  But you do owe me. VANESSA    [indignant again] Owe you? GRANT    I rescued you.  I pulled your damn pod in here and I woke you up.  VANESSA    That's -- GRANT    And I've been feeding you and letting you breathe my air - which ain't cheap, I should point out. VANESSA    Then let me get out of your air. GRANT    First you gotta ... you know...pay me back. VANESSA    [suspicious] How, exactly? MUSIC SOUND    ELECTRONIC REPAIR NOISES VANESSA    Damn!  Bloody stone-age tools! SOUND    CLICK RADIO TURNS ON, VERY CLEAR AND NO STATIC VANESSA    Ha! GRANT    [on radio] What? VANESSA    [a little winded] I patched your antenna into the router from the pod's emergency signal - some serious interface issues, let me tell you - but you should get much clearer signals now. GRANT    [on radio] [congratulatory]  Damn. MUSIC SOUND    CLANK OF METAL DROPPED VANESSA    Damn. GRANT     Everything all right? VANESSA    Half my damn solar cells were damaged in the landing.  GRANT    So? VANESSA    I was thinking I'd jury rig them into something, get you a little extra free power.  Bloody hell. MUSIC SOUND    SOLDERING IRON SPARKS, STOPS, FACEPLATE UP GRANT    That's a nice bead right there. VANESSA    Yeah, I think I'm getting the hang of it.  Now watch this.  [command] Chicken! SOUND    VENDING MACHINE RUMBLES, THEN CLUNKS GRANT    Holy cow! VANESSA    Well, chicken, but yes - you get the idea.  I still have to code the machine's other foodstuff options in for voice.  I'll need to get your voice into the system sometime, too. GRANT    [mood dropping] Right.  O'course.  So I can do it myself. VANESSA    [not noticing] Absolutely.  MUSIC VANESSA    You didn't have any trouble making contact?  I appear to be at the very arse end of the cloud, so they're out of my range from here.  Damn these archaic -- YASMIN    I... got them.  You may be disappointed, though.  VANESSA    Why? YASMIN    Helen 74589, and Griselda 80281 ... um... do not ... wish to participate. VANESSA    What are you saying? YASMIN    They have become attached to this place. VANESSA    How the blazes--? YASMIN    Griselda declined any details, but Helen seems to find some - companionship in the man Conrad and his children. VANESSA    [disparaging]  Children.  At least we've only got men to deal with. YASMIN    [iffy note] Yes. MUSIC SOUND    MACHINE DISPENSES FOOD VANESSA    Sit down. GRANT    Sit?  Why?  I always eat standing. VANESSA    You practically sleep standing.  I have never seen you relax. GRANT    Last time I just sat and waited was... VANESSA    Yes? GRANT    [evasive] Don't know.  doesn't matter. VANESSA    Why not sit? GRANT    Too much to do. VANESSA    Please. SOUND    BEAT, THEN SQUEAK OF A CHAIR VANESSA    Haven't I helped at all? GRANT    Oh, yeah - many hands make light work, like momma used to say, but there's always more to do.  [beat]  But the repairs are real good.  If this keeps up, I can maybe repressurize capsule 14.  [trails off] VANESSA    Do you need the space? GRANT    [hurt but covering] Never hurts - could put some more hydroponics in there, maybe put in some greens and generate oxy of my own.  Why not?  It's like minting money. VANESSA    You'd be better off with algae tanks.  They take more processing to make them palatable for eating - much more - but they've been genetically manipulated to give a much higher O2 to cubic foot ratio, and they require less nutrient. GRANT    I'd have to get it from somewhere-- VANESSA    Shouldn't be difficult - most cruisers have algae tanks, and all you need is a dip to start with and some growth media.  The tank - well you could pretty much put anything together, if you're not too concerned about sterile edible conditions - but for oxy production, anything that will contain the growth medium and keep the temp stable will do.  You'll need U-V simulators, too-- GRANT    Yeah.  [sigh]  Maybe you can send me some when you get home. VANESSA    --you could re-make one room for food plant growth and have the algae - What?  GRANT    Nothing.  VANESSA    There's even better technology out there, you know.  I'm surprised you're not more curious. GRANT    Well, I figure it's like this - of all you've talked about so far, doors that listen and whatever, this algae thing is the only one that seems like it'd fit into my life.  Everything else is like - so far beyond me, I don't see it mattering much. VANESSA    But you would know.  You would have something to - to work toward. GRANT    Something to chase?  Something to... miss.  Something to worry about not having?  Nah.  I figure, easier just to assume you're gonna tell me you can shit blueberry cobbler - it's all well and good, but I don't wanna do it.  And goodness knows I don't wanna eat it.  VANESSA    [laughing] Cobbler? GRANT    I-I got things to do. VANESSA    Let me help. GRANT    [breath] Nah.  It's all outside - I gotta hawk in some stuff. VANESSA    [brightening a bit] Outside?  In a suit? GRANT    [very unhappy] Yes. VANESSA    Let me help! GRANT    No. VANESSA    Why?  Are you afraid I'll run away? GRANT    [muttered] No, just ...float away. VANESSA    What? SOUND    HE GETS UP GRANT    It's my job.  I have to do it. VANESSA    Do you have two suits? GRANT    Yes. VANESSA    Many hands make light work. GRANT    [thinks, then] No. VANESSA    Look, I've put in my 100 hours on simulators, plus over 300 hours working on the hull in stagnant space.  Goodness - you've even got gravity here-- GRANT    Minimal gravity. VANESSA    Point is, I know my way around a suit! GRANT    [finally snappish] Look!  If things didn't have to be done, I'd never get into one of those damn things myself!  There's no way I'd put you in that kind of danger. VANESSA    You don't - you don't like being out there? SOUND    DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN VANESSA    But - but I enjoy-- SOUND    HIS FOOTSTEPS EXIT GRANT    You don't want to be here and that's fine.  I'd rather see you leave on the cargo ship than [barely controlled] floating off into blackness... SOUND    DOOR SHUTS MUSIC VANESSA    Can you ask your Lassiter something? YASMIN    [on filter]  You can talk to him yourself. VANESSA    I just want to know about suit drifts in this area. YASMIN    Why? VANESSA    [overly casual]  Just something Grant said. YASMIN    Ah, here he is - You can help Vanessa, can't you?  [teasing, fond noise] Hmm? LASSITER    [on filter] Sure.  What you need? [snickers, then aside]  Stop that!    MUSIC GRANT    Chicken.  SOUND    DISPENSER DISPENSES FOOD VANESSA    How old were you? GRANT    [completely startled] what? VANESSA    When your father drifted? GRANT    [tightly controlled]  Why do you care?  You don't even have a father.  [beat]  I should get back to-- VANESSA    No.  Unless you actually physically move me, you're not leaving this room.  Talk to me.  GRANT    [mumbled]  I don't want to talk to you. VANESSA    Why? GRANT    [swallows, then sighs, speaks very quietly]  The more I talk to you, the more I'll miss having someone to talk to - later.  [sniff] Get out of my way. VANESSA    No.  I've lost people in space too - I did my time in the corps, shipboard accidents...  I- I understand. GRANT    It's different with family. VANESSA    Show me. GRANT    I was 12 when my father's line got tangled, and he had to cut it - then something in the piece he was salvaging blew, and - it took forever for him to be completely out of sight - he kept talking right up to the edge of radio range.... VANESSA    [pause, then sincere, if dry] I feel for you. GRANT    Thank you.  VANESSA    I wish I knew what to say. GRANT    That's all right.  [deep breath]  I've got work to do.  SOUND    HE WALKS AWAY VANESSA    Your food? SOUND    HE DOESN'T SLOW - DOOR SHUTS MUSIC VANESSA    How do you talk to them? YASMIN    [arch] It's not always in the talking.  What's wrong? VANESSA    I want to - offer him sympathy, but he just walks out of the room.  He says he... just wants to ignore me until I leave. YASMIN    Are you still planning to leave? VANESSA    Aren't you? YASMIN    Well.  No.  VANESSA    Why?  Is it the sex? YASMIN    Well... That's part of it - you have to admit it's kind of fun. VANESSA    I don't - haven't. YASMIN    Maybe that's why he's avoiding you. VANESSA    But don't you want to go back to your job?  Your home?  Don't you want your life to have some meaning? YASMIN    Meaning?  What meaning? VANESSA    I was on the way to making full chief engineer - and I would have been the youngest to reach that grade.  Ever, YASMIN    [dry] You would have impressed everyone. VANESSA    Don't talk like that about my goal.  The point of ... everything. YASMIN    And who benefited from this goal? VANESSA    I would.  The ship would.  Everyone on it. YASMIN    And someday someone would reach that rank even younger, and when you retired, someone else who could do the job just as well would take over, and no one would even remember you. VANESSA    I would-- YASMIN    Unless you did something like - I don't know - discover an alien race or die to save a bunch of people - but how often does that really happen? VANESSA    I once prevented an explosion because I spotted a faulty valve. YASMIN    And I'll bet every person you saved came and thanked you.  VANESSA    [somewhat dissatisfied]  The point of preventing a disaster is so that no one knows they were ever in danger. YASMIN    [sigh] MUSIC AMBIANCE     SPACESUIT.  BUZZ, BREATHER, ECHO SOUND    BOTH - this scene - on filter throughout VANESSA    You needed help--?  Oh! GRANT    It's jammed.  I can't shift it alone. VANESSA    I see.  Hold on. SOUND    METAL IMPACT GRANT    Is your line secure? VANESSA    Yes.  I checked and double checked.  Hmm.  GRANT    Do you think the person inside is still all right? VANESSA    Won't know if she is till we clear some of this debris.  [beat]  Looks like it still has some power. GRANT    Help me shift this plate - I think it'll clear some of this. VANESSA    Hold on - No, not that.  There's too much leaning on it, and we don't know which way it'll fall.  GRANT    What then? VANESSA    Um.... This.  I think this is the key piece, and I don't see anything it can bring down with it. BOTH    [Grunt with effort] SOUND    A BUNCH OF STUFF SHIFTS GRANT    Ah hell. VANESSA    What? [seeing the damage] Oh. GRANT    At least we should be able to get it clear, now.  VANESSA    Let's lighten the load - get the corpse out of there. GRANT    No. VANESSA    Why? GRANT    You want to just dump her out, right here? VANESSA    Why not?  She's dead. GRANT    She still deserves some respect.  I'll do it, if you don't want to be bothered. VANESSA    Do what? GRANT    Bury her. MUSIC SOUND    HATCH SHUTS, HELMETS COME OFF.  SOUND OF REMOVING SPACE SUITS SOUND    SOMETHING DROPS VANESSA    [sharp gasp] GRANT    Hey?  What's wrong? VANESSA    [in pain] Nothing. GRANT    Let me-- [sigh] You shoulda come back in earlier - your fingers are nearly blue.  I told you the heat circulation in that suit ain't up to snuff. VANESSA    I'm fine. GRANT    Give me your hands. VANESSA    What?  GRANT    Let me warm your hands fro you. SOUND    BEAT, THEN SKIN ON SKIN, AS HE SLOWLY CHAFES HER HAND. VANESSA    How do you do that? GRANT    Hmm? VANESSA    [gasp] Your hands are... warm. GRANT    They just come that way.  Here, hold your hand here while I-- VANESSA    In your jacket? GRANT    Just do it.  Give me the other one. SOUND    SLOW CHAFING AGAIN VANESSA    They're fine now.  I'll go and-- GRANT    I don't like that nail color there.  Can you feel this? VANESSA    Yes.  I'm perfectly capable of-- GRANT    This? VANESSA    [a bit more irritated] Yes.  I know what the-- GRANT    This? VANESSA    --difficulties with cold can be, and--  what? GRANT    This? VANESSA    [startled] No. GRANT    Here.  [puts her finger into his mouth] VANESSA    [long gasp, startled, amazed, and aroused] GRANT    [talking around her finger] Stop squirming.  VANESSA    Let - let go.  Let go! GRANT    Need to get the circulation back.  Heat and suction. VANESSA    Ahh! SOUND    SLIGHT STRUGGLE, SHE PULLS HER HAND FREE GRANT    [mouth noise] Look.  Whatever it is you don't like about this - is it worth losing a finger over? VANESSA    [long beat, erratic breathing]  No.  [gasp as he takes her finger again]  MUSIC GRANT    [talking on the radio]  Thanks for the heads up Lassiter, but it'll happen or it won't.  Glad you're doing well, and... and congrats. LASSITER    We're real happy. GRANT    Out. SOUND    CHAIR TURNS GRANT    [startled] Oh! VANESSA    Congrats? GRANT    Lassiter and Yasmin are pregnant. VANESSA    [bothered] Oh. GRANT    Well, they're pleased. VANESSA    I didn't mean to sound... I'm just confused. GRANT    Well, it won't be for much longer.  Quarterly cargo ship will be here in the next couple of hours.  VANESSA    Grant? GRANT    Don't worry - by my calculations - we're pretty much square, in fact you're a bit ahead, hooking up those solar panels and all-- VANESSA    Grant-- GRANT    So I'll just cover the cost of your trip, at least as far as-- VANESSA    Grant! GRANT    Damn, now you got me lost.  VANESSA    Grant, I-- GRANT    I appreciate your help here... Vanessa.  Got me ahead of my schedule.  [cracking a little]  Um, I should go and get the cargo ready. SOUND    CHAIR SQUEAK, FOOTSTEPS, THEY STOP VANESSA    Grant.  I need to know something. GRANT    Whatever I can help with. VANESSA    Would you--  Do you-- [a breath] What will you do? GRANT    When? VANESSA    If - when - if I go. GRANT    Same as I done before.  Nothing's gonna  change. VANESSA    You should have kept Yasmin or Helen - they love it here. GRANT    Yasmin loves Lassiter. And Helen-- VANESSA    [snapping him back] Grant.  Why me? GRANT    [muttered] You're ...the prettiest. VANESSA    I ...am? GRANT    Yup.  I looked at you and I knew that if I was ever gonna take a chance, it'd have to be on that one.  [sniff] VANESSA    Tell me you want me to stay. GRANT    N-no. VANESSA    You don't - want - ? GRANT    You go home.  Have a good life.  I got cargo to move. SOUND    HE SHOVES PAST HER MUSIC SOUND    RADIO TURNS ON LASSITER    Grant?  You there? GRANT    Um - yeah.  LASSITER     How'd it go? GRANT    I'm doing all right.  Even ordered an algae starter culture.  LASSITER    But your ...lady--? GRANT    Oh, I'm still ahead, even after her ticket-- LASSITER    Ticket?  Ticket?  You let her leave? GRANT    Course.  [breaking down] She - sh-she don't belong to me.  LASSITER    She woulda gotten used to it. GRANT    I had to get used to being all alone.  How could I do that to--? VANESSA    --to me? SOUND    CHAIR TURNS FAST GRANT    What-- What happened?  Did they-?  Did you miss it? LASSITER    Grant?  Grant? VANESSA    I decided there was a better use for the cost of my passage - negotiated for three more solar panels, and a couple more oxygen tanks for the suits. GRANT    I don't understand. VANESSA    It was what Yasmin said, about being important to someone. GRANT    But I never said you were-- VANESSA    You said it every time you couldn't look me in the face.  GRANT    But what do we do now? VANESSA    We build a tank for the algae.  Many hands make light work. GRANT    Many hands make light work. VANESSA    Oh, yes, and-- GRANT    And? VANESSA    This-- SOUND    NOISY KISS, RUSTLE OF AN EMBRACE VANESSA    Not bad.  You could use a little practice. GRANT    [gasping a bit for breath, making a joke] Well - I may have had my 100 - and then some - hours of simulation, but I never actually took one of those there out for a spin. VANESSA    [chuckles] Wait till you see the rest of the equipment...! CLOSER OLIVIA    Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back.  Maybe next week?  Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...  

Chapters 3 and 4! The ship finally gets into orbit, and with difficulty must try and escape law enforcement.

[warning - mature themes and explicit violence] A surreal Q&A session reveals the workings of a victim's mind. Cast List Marnie - Julie Hoverson Doc - Julie Hoverson Jerry - Brandon O'Brien Momma - Risa Torres Harold - Mr. Synyster Deputy Fred - Joel Harvey Little Girl - Krystal Baker Little Boy - Marhya Post Grampa - Rick Lewis Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson  Cover Photos:  Alan Bridges (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it? Don't you know where you are?" *********************************************************** Where are You Now? This is a weird ass episode. I wrote this very deliberately in a stream of consciousness style, probably inspired by a weird dream, but I don't remember specifically. I did write the entire script in roughly one sitting, then cast and recorded it immediately - I wanted to see if I could make an entire episode in a single week, which I basically did. The most challenging effect in this was throwing the chiffoniere down the stairs. I actually have a sort of sequel - more in tone than using the same character(s), obviously - in mind, and may do it someday.  A big part of the idea for this was to make the vast bulk of the dialog mine, so I didn’t have to get too much out of other people, thus making it a quicker recording turnaround. SPOILER ALERT!!! I'm going to explain, sort of, what this episode is and what it means, at the end of the transcript, below.  A lot of info will be there, since most of my memories of making this are tied up in why I wrote what I wrote. *********************************************************** WHERE ARE YOU NOW? Cast: Olivia Doc (F/40+), german, sounds like shrink Marnie (F/20), hysterical young woman Harold (M/30), mush mouthed freak Fred (M/30), a crooked deputy Old Man (M/senile) Creepy Little Girl (F/10) Creepy Little Boy (M/10) Momma (F/30ish), Mrs. Cleaver - with cleaver Jerry (M/20), Marnie's dead boyfriend. OLIVIA  Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Don't you know where you are?  MUSIC   SCENE 1. SOUND     A SLOW CHORD, WHICH STAYS UNTIL NOTED DOC    Where are you now? MARNIE    [startled awake] What? DOC    Can you hear my voice, Marnie? MARNIE    Yes. DOC    Where are you now? MARNIE    [slightly panicked] I - I don't know. DOC    Tell me what you see. MARNIE    I see a room.  DOC    Are there people in the room? MARNIE    [fear] Yes! DOC    You are safe, Marnie.  Calm down.  Now tell me what you see. MARNIE    [calm, almost robotic]  I see five people sitting at the table.  DOC    Are you sitting with them? MARNIE    No, I'm in the corner.  DOC    Do they know you're there? MARNIE    [ominous] Oh, yes. DOC    Tell me what they look like. MARNIE    There's a very old man, a small boy, a girl who looks a bit older than the boy, a police officer, and a very large man with a bag over his head. DOC    Is there food on the table? MARNIE    No.  It's not here yet. DOC    Good.  Tell me one thing about the little girl. MARNIE    Her eyes can suck your soul. DOC    Good.  And the old man? MARNIE    He has a scar on his leg that aches when it rains. DOC    Good.  Has the food arrived yet? MARNIE    The one with the bag is named Harold. DOC    Please answer only the questions I ask you, Marnie. MARNIE    [frightened, small]  I'm sorry. DOC    I forgive you.  MARNIE    I love you. DOC    That was not the question. MARNIE    [trying to remember] Um. Um.  The food!  No.  Still no food. DOC    Good.  Are you comfortable? MARNIE    [lying, almost a whisper] Yessss. DOC    Very good.  Tell me about where you are sitting. MARNIE    I'm in the corner. DOC    Are you in a chair?  Look down. MARNIE    It's a chair with wheels, and straps.  DOC    Straps?  Are you strapped in? MARNIE    [breathing hard, getting louder and louder] Yes - my hands are - hands are - I can move them, but the leather cuffs - like movies about crazy people! DOC    Are you crazy? MARNIE    [almost a wail] No! DOC    Can you control yourself, Marnie? MARNIE    [a couple of gasping breaths, then quickly] Yes! DOC    I can help you. MARNIE    [wail] No! No! [gasp, then tight but controlled] No.  I'm all right. DOC    For now. MARNIE    I feel... peachy. DOC    [beat] Your hands are restrained.  What else? MARNIE    There's a strap around my chest, and I can feel one around my legs. DOC    Do the people talk? MARNIE    Yes. Some.  They're waiting for someone. DOC    Someone?  Or the food? MARNIE    [almost hysterical] I don't know! DOC    What do they say?  Tell me exactly. MARNIE    I'll try-- DOC    [still even and calm] Trying isn't going to cut it, missy. MARNIE    [noisy gulp]  DOC    I know you can do it. MARNIE    [sob]  The man with the bag doesn't talk at all. DOC    Harold? MARNIE    Yes, Harold. DOC    And? MARNIE    The policeman says-- MUSIC     FADES OUT, NO OTHER TRANSITION   SCENE 2. FRED    You shoulda seen her!  Jumped clean over the fence.  BOY    I can do that. OLD MAN    Pancakes. FRED    You can't 'cause - 'cause you're a little butterball. BOY    I'm magic. GIRL    [pronouncing] You are a shoe. SOUND    CLATTER OF SPOON DROPPED ON PLATE OLD MAN    Pancakes!  Pan! Cakes! FRED    [panicky, trying to calm him]  Shh!  Shh!  Pancakes, yes.  It's all coming.  Shh.  Clouds.  [dropping to a whisper] Little white fluffy clouds. OLD MAN    [drawn out whisper]  Pancakesssss. Pancakes. SOUND    MOMENT OF SILENCE, THEN   SCENE 3. MUSIC    COMES IN WITH A CHORD DOC    [sigh] You know what happens when you lie to me. MARNIE    [resigned groan] I'm not lying. DOC    Pancakes? MARNIE    [almost a sob] Yes. DOC    The food - is it there yet? MARNIE    [sharp gasp, then frightened] It's coming! DOC    Good.  Let's move forward.  Who brings the food? MARNIE    [awe, fear] Momma. DOC    Tell me. MARNIE    [mounting fear]  Perfect.  Plastic.  Pearls.  Each hair in line, like sweet little soldiers.  DOC    She is carrying--? MARNIE    [rising fear] She ...has a cart.  There is a covered dish. DOC    What are you wearing? MARNIE    [snapped back] What? DOC    I ask the questions.  MARNIE    I'm sorry! DOC    What are you wearing.  Look down. MARNIE    Oh.  [beat] T-shirt, jeans - I can feel ... sneakers.  DOC    And--? MARNIE    What? DOC    [warning] And--? MARNIE    My clothes?  They're... torn up - I think I was in a fight. DOC    [calm again] Are you injured? MARNIE    [beat]  My ankle hurts.  I'm scratched up.  My... head... DOC    [avid] Is there blood? MARNIE    I - DOC    [avid] Is there blood? MARNIE    I - I don't think it's mine. DOC    Tell me who then. MARNIE    [on a long sigh] Jerry. DOC    How? MARNIE    [shocked] I found him in the barn.  He was flopped over the edge of the ...hayloft - I thought he was dead.  There was blood everywhere.  [starting to sob] Dripping all over me. DOC    What did you-- MARNIE    [interrupting, still sobbing] Then he - he moaned. MUSIC    FADES OUT   SCENE 4. JERRY    [very weak] Marnie! MARNIE    [whispering] Jerry!  Oh, god - Jerry! SOUND    CREAKING OF LADDER JERRY    Help... me.... MARNIE    Here, let me move you - [grunt as she drags him] JERRY    [moans, trying to keep quiet] MARNIE    Oh, god. JERRY    It's bad. MARNIE    I think so.  It's too dark. JERRY    [gasping, in agony] No.  It was the kid.  You have to get out of here! MARNIE    But you-- JERRY    I ... I'm not going anywhere ... you gotta go and get help! MARNIE    Where? JERRY    Just get the hell out!  The woods-- MARNIE    [smothered gasping sob] JERRY    [whisper] Shit! HAROLD    3,4 shut the door...? SOUND    BARN DOOR CREAKS OPEN MARNIE    [smothered gasping sob] SOUND    SILENCE, THEN   SCENE 5. MUSIC CUTS IN DOC    Is that when they took you in? MARNIE    No.  Jerry distracted him.  DOC    Who? MARNIE    Harold.  DOC    [satisfied, smug] Harold. MARNIE    [sobbing] After I jumped out the window, I heard Jerry scream. DOC    [warning] Did I ask? MARNIE    No? DOC    You don't sound very sure. MARNIE    [quick, panicky] No.  You didn't ask.  I'm sorry. DOC    I think you need a reminder-- MARNIE    Please!  I remember!  [long beat, then]  I... love you. DOC    Pancakes. MARNIE    Pancakes? DOC    Is the food on the table? MARNIE    [long shaky sigh of relief]  Yes. DOC    Where did you sleep? MARNIE    [blindsided] What? DOC    Where did you sleep? MARNIE    I didn't....  Oh, I was... knocked out.  The food‑‑? DOC    Please try and keep up.  When were you knocked out? MARNIE    That was later - after... Jerry. DOC    Who did it? MARNIE    Harold, I said it was Harold. DOC    That knocked you out. MARNIE    Oh, no.  He did Jerry. DOC    You're not following.  Let's have a break. MARNIE    [long wail] No!!! SOUND    ELECTRIC HUM MARNIE    Umumumumum.  [jittery series of hums, like being electrocuted] MUSIC    OUT SOUND    HEARTBEAT   SCENE 6. AMBIANCE    WOODS, CHEERFUL SOUND    CRUNCHING OF WALKING JERRY    Marnie? MARNIE    Yeah? JERRY    Uh, This camping trip isn't too bad, eh?  I mean, I know you didn't want to-- MARNIE    [sweet] It's not too bad.  Gloria had to beg me to get me to come, but...  It's OK. JERRY    I mean, what can you say against nature, right?  Fresh air, secluded lake.  Perfect for... skinny dipping? MARNIE    I brought a suit. JERRY    Ah... It'll be cool. MARNIE    Probably freezing - that's a glacier-fed lake.  But, yes, it will be fun. JERRY    Good.  You don't mind ...  Gloria being kinda busy all the time? MARNIE    Oh, you noticed?  [laughs] She and Tim haven't stopped fooling around since we got here. MUSIC SUDDENLY CUTS IN   SCENE 7. DOC    Better now? MARNIE    [gasping, shuddering, trying to force words out coherently]  Better.  Yes.  Of course. DOC    Good.  Let's continue. MARNIE    [snorty sob, then deep breath]  All right. DOC    Jerry died. MARNIE    [almost a sob] Yes. DOC    You loved him. MARNIE    I think so. DOC    You don't know? MARNIE    I - I liked him, but we were just getting to know... each... other?  [afraid she said something wrong, gasping snorty sobs] DOC    [beat, then slightly disdainful]  How sweet. MARNIE    [she calms a bit] DOC    Did you screw him? MARNIE    No! DOC    Of course not - pure sweet innocent you. MARNIE    I-- I don't-- DOC    [casual] Shut up. MARNIE    [hiccuping gasp] DOC    Where is Gloria? MARNIE    Gloria?  [starting to cry]  She's my best friend. DOC    Was that the question? MARNIE    She... she... Um [trying to remember] she's dead? DOC    [sigh, tsks]  MARNIE    No - no!  She's - was - in the van. DOC    Very good. [beat]  When did you find her? MARNIE    Uh - after the barn.  I was trying to get away.  [suddenly remembering] Jerry gave me the keys. DOC    Good old Jerry.  Go on. MARNIE    I ran to the van, and Gloria and Tim ... were...  [sobs] DOC    Please be specific. MARNIE    [through sobs] They were in the middle of - you know-- DOC    Sex? MARNIE    Yes.  They were together, and someone had cut off... both... their... heads...! DOC    [Tsks] MARNIE    The heads were lined up next to them... like they were watching. DOC    Charming. MARNIE    Checking their progress. DOC    Has the food arrived? MARNIE    [gasp, stops herself from speaking, then dead calm] Yes.  Momma is in the room. DOC    What does she do? MARNIE    [getting agitated] She opens the dish. DOC    What is in the dish? MARNIE    [almost incapable of speaking] Sssteam. DOC    Look down at your lap. MARNIE    [snort, hiccup] Yes. DOC    What do you see? MARNIE    My knees.  Blood.  The carpet.  I'm glad the blood is all tacky, so it won't drip and ruin the carpet.  They would be so angry. DOC    Are they talking? MARNIE    Yes. DOC    Don't look.  Just speak the words. MARNIE    Momma says-- MUSIC     OUT   SCENE 8. MOMMA    Three cheers for the founder of the feast. FRED    Hip hip hooray-- [tapers off, when he realizes no one else is with him]  Oh. LITTLE GIRL    Can I eat the tail? LITTLE BOY    Pancakes. OLD MAN    PAN CAKES! FRED    You just had to set him off! Didn’t you? HAROLD    [quietly] 1-2 buckle my shoe. OLD MAN    PanCAKES! Lovely golden brown. MOMMA    Nothing like a nice dinner together.    SCENE 9. DOC    Are there empty chairs? MARNIE    No.  They are all here. DOC    What about your chair? MARNIE    I'm in it. DOC    Are you?  Look back.  MARNIE    I'm strapped in. DOC    You must have got free. MARNIE    Yes.  I-- [gasps and catches herself] DOC    What? MARNIE    I'm sorry.  That wasn't the question. DOC    Good girl. SOUND    ELECTRICITY MARNIE    [hums and groans with the jolts] SOUND    HEARTBEAT   SCENE 10. AMBIANCE    OUTSIDE, PLEASANT WOODS JERRY    Don't worry about it.  It was probably just a hiker or something. MARNIE    [mildly worried] But he looked so weird.  His face was like a puzzle. JERRY    It was just the bushes. MARNIE    I know. JERRY    I bet it was the weird guy we saw on the road on the way in.  You know, the one that just stood there and stared as we drove past.  You know.  Now, we all agreed this weekend is for fun. SOUND    SPLASH MARNIE    What was that? JERRY    What? MARNIE    The splash? JERRY    Wow, you need some serious relaxation.  MARNIE    But I heard a splash, and -- Something  wet? JERRY    Nonsense.  [fading out] It's just last night's rain. DOC    [whispered voice, very spooky]  Marnie. MARNIE    Jerry!  I know you must have heard that! JERRY    Marnie, you're making yourself into a basket case.  There's nobody for miles around!  It's perfectly safe. MARNIE    But that voice-- DOC    [quick echoey whisper] Marnie.  MARNIE    It knows my name! DOC    Wake up! SOUND    WOODS VANISH   SCENE 11. MARNIE    [Crying]  Why can't you just leave me? DOC    Now, that wouldn't do either of us any good, would it?  MARNIE    I want to stay there.  With my friends. DOC    And die? MARNIE    [hiccups sobs, then uncertain] Yes. DOC    I don't think that's quite true. MARNIE    Yes. DOC    You fought so hard to get here. MARNIE    I walked on broken glass. DOC    Poor toes.  Poor little piggies. MARNIE    [resigned] What do you want? DOC    I ask the questions. MARNIE    [sigh]  Fine.  Go on. DOC    I also give the orders. MARNIE    [beat, sniff]  I'm ready. DOC    Maybe you can learn the rules.  [beat]  Very good.  Where are you now? MARNIE    Right here. DOC    Are you? MARNIE    [unsure] Yes. DOC    Close your eyes and when you open them, you will see clouds. MARNIE    Clouds? DOC    Do you see them? MARNIE    I'm afraid. DOC    Open your eyes. MARNIE    Clouds.   SCENE 12. OLD MAN    k-k-k-k-ake. LITTLE GIRL    Burn it. MOMMA    Dig in! FRED    Again? LITTLE BOY    There's a face in my soup.   SCENE 13. MARNIE    [screams] DOC    Don't backslide.  MARNIE    [screams and sobs] DOC    [tsks] And we were making such good progress.  [sigh] SOUND    SINGLE SHORT JOLT OF ELECTRICITY MARNIE    [gasps to a stop] DOC     Just right.  Thought I was going to lose you. MARNIE    I can't look!  Not at that! DOC    Have to toughen you up. MARNIE    I can't-- DOC    Look down. MARNIE    My lap.  DOC    And in your lap? MARNIE    Hands. DOC    Restrained? MARNIE    Yes. DOC    Really? MARNIE    [unsure]  Yes? DOC    Then how will you escape? MARNIE    I... can't. DOC    That is not the right answer. MARNIE    Please help me! DOC    Are they very tight? MARNIE    No.  But if I get loose, they'll see. DOC    But if you don't get loose while they eat, you will end up in the clouds. MARNIE    Pancakes. DOC    Precisely.  Can you pull loose? MARNIE    I have to brace it against my leg. DOC    Good girl.  Now you're thinking.  Describe the room. MARNIE    The table-- DOC    I know about the table.  Where are the windows and doors? MARNIE    The windows are steamed over. DOC    Doors? MARNIE    Momma came from the kitchen.  To my right.  [slowly, carefully looking around]  There's a door beside me.  Over my left shoulder. DOC    Watch them.  Tell me what they're saying while you get your hands free. MARNIE    I can't-- DOC    Do you want it again? MARNIE    No!  [beat, breathing harshly]  I can't look at them. DOC    Listen. MUSIC   SCENE 14. LITTLE BOY    I'm not hungry. LITTLE GIRL    I'll eat yours. I want to grow up big and strong. OLD GUY    [mmm mmm mmm - chewing noisily] HAROLD    Five, six. FRED    Tasty, momma.  As usual. MOMMA    Oh, you! MARNIE    Almost. DOC    Talk to me, not them. MARNIE    It hurts. DOC    Life is pain. MOMMA    Clean your plate, Hun. FRED    He's a little butterball. MOMMA    [cold as ice] That's not nice. FRED    Sorry, Momma.  Sorry!  I love you. MOMMA    Did I ask you?  Harold - look at this mess.  HAROLD    Lay them straight? MOMMA    You can take him and hose him off.  FRED    Yes, momma.  MOMMA    And soak that pillowcase.  [cutesy] Can't have my good linens all stained. FRED    Can I finish eating first? MOMMA    [cold] I don't know, can you? FRED    May I? MOMMA    [sweetness] Of course, dear.  MUSIC   SCENE 15. MARNIE    My right hand is free. DOC    Don't struggle too much.  These buckles are tough for a reason. MARNIE    I think the one with the bag-- DOC    Harold. MARNIE    --is watching me, but I can’t tell. DOC    Does he say anything? MARNIE    No... DOC    Once you get your wrists free, what will you do? MARNIE    The strap around my chest-- DOC    And your legs? MARNIE    I don't think that one is very tight. DOC    Don't underestimate it. MARNIE    Why are you helping me? DOC    [kindly] I ask the questions. MARNIE    Right.  Sorry. DOC    No need.  Who am I? MARNIE    What?  I mean, I don't understand.  I don't know. DOC    I think you do. MARNIE    No.  I don't know why I'm here. DOC    But you're not. MARNIE    Not what? DOC    Is your wrist free? MARNIE    Yes. DOC    Move your hands slowly to the buckle, then quickly unhook it. MARNIE    Slowly. DOC    Cats see movement. MARNIE    Rods or cones?  I forget. DOC    Clouds.  Watch the clouds.  Unhook the strap. MARNIE    Freeze.  They're looking. DOC    Don't move.  Let them forget. MUSIC   SCENE 16. FRED    Should we feed HER? LITTLE GIRL    Throw something at her. MOMMA    A night without supper will do her good.  Take Harold - there's a good boy. FRED    Yes, momma. LITTLE BOY    I want a finger.  Can I take a finger? MOMMA    If you're good.  I'll save one for you. LITTLE BOY    Good as goat. OLD MAN    Gold.  Gold is good.  Golden brown.  Pancakes.... k-k-cake! MOMMA    Yes, popsy.  All good. MUSIC   SCENE 17. DOC    And now? MARNIE    They're looking away.  Maybe they will leave me. DOC    Not if they see your wrists are loose.  Quick - choose. MARNIE    Choose what? DOC    Unbuckle and run or pretend you're still secure and wait. MARNIE    My ankle hurts. DOC    Then sit. MARNIE    I'll put my hands back. DOC    We will see. MARNIE    D'you think they will? DOC    I can't see the future. MARNIE    Isn’t this a memory? DOC    Is it? MARNIE    Where did I go when I got free? DOC    I ask the questions. MARNIE    But I don't remember. DOC    Take it one moment at a time.  Who am I? MARNIE    A doctor? DOC    Medical? MARNIE    No.  DOC    Ah - now you're thinking.  Let's get through this. MARNIE    They've left the room. DOC    You are alone? MARNIE    The old man is still here.  They'll come back for him. DOC    What can you do about that? MARNIE    I'll run. DOC    He'll yell like a klaxon. MARNIE    I've got the buckle undone.  Now my legs. DOC    Why don't you kill him? MARNIE    What? DOC    I ask the questions.  MUSIC    FADES TO "ROOM TONE"   SCENE 18. SOUND    STUMBLING FOOTSTEPS MARNIE    I'm sorry - I thought I didn’t hear you right.  You said to-- DOC    There are always pancakes in heaven.  MARNIE    Open the gates and let him [exertion] IN! OLD GUY    Oof! [dying noises] SOUND    SQUISH OF KNIFE INTO FLESH, GUSH OF BLOOD DOC    Is there another knife? MARNIE    I have it-- SOUND    METAL COVER FALLS TO FLOOR MARNIE    [wail] No! DOC    Stop.  MARNIE    [quick] I'm sorry.  The platter!  Oh, god! DOC    Steam.  Clouds. MARNIE    Jerry! DOC    Don't look. MARNIE    I can't -- DOC    Jerry is gone.  Do it for him. MARNIE    [hissing whisper] Yesss. DOC    Knife? MARNIE    Cleaver. DOC    Nice. MARNIE    [turning a bit gleeful] Cleaver.  Momma.  Kitchen. DOC    Sounds like a plan. MARNIE    Thank you. DOC    I love you. MARNIE    [serious]  That means a lot.   SCENE 19. SOUND    KITCHEN DOOR SWINGS OPEN DOC    Keep down. MOMMA    Hmm?  What? SOUND    HIGH HEEL FOOTSTEPS MOMMA    Who's playing games? MARNIE    [whispered] Come just a little closer. SOUND    A COUPLE MORE FOOTSTEPS MOMMA    Hello? DOC    Now! MARNIE    Ungh! SOUND    KNIFE CUTS NYLONS, LEG.  MOMMA    [screams] SOUND    BODY COLLAPSES, SHOE SCRABBLES ON TILE FLOOR, BLOOD SPURTS DOC    Neatly done.  Hamstring.  Quick or slow? MARNIE    No time.  Ungh! SOUND    KNIFE GOES IN AGAIN MOMMA    [gurgling, choking] SOUND    HANDS SKITTER ACROSS TILES, THEN FLOP AND DROP DOC    [long sigh]  Such a pretty color. MARNIE    Looks good on her. DOC    Four to go. MARNIE    Jerry said it was the kid who... [almost breaks] ...got ...him. DOC    You're finally taking this all seriously. SOUND    THUMP OVERHEAD MARNIE    How many stairs would the house have? SOUND    DOOR OPENS A CRACK DOC    [kindly] I ask the questions.  You'll have to count them. MARNIE    I should see if there's something longer.  DOC    Tablecloths can cloud the issue. MARNIE    You and your clouds. SOUND    FEET COMING DOWN THE STAIRS DOC    six, five, four-- MARNIE    Three, two one --- SOUND    DOOR STARTS TO OPEN, THEN IS SLAMMED SHUT, BODY FALLS FRED    [yell, groan] DOC    Full point. SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN AGAIN FRED    Momma?  What are you doing--? MARNIE    I ask the questions. DOC    I love you. FRED    I think you broke my-- urk! SOUND    KNIFE PLUNGES INTO THROAT FRED    [gurgling as he dies] DOC    It's quite warm, isn’t it? MARNIE    Yes. DOC    Hot. MARNIE    Boiling. DOC    [concerned] Steam? MARNIE    [dismissive] Clouds. DOC    [satisfied] Yesss.  Time to go hunting. MARNIE    Rods or cones? DOC    Sticks and stones. MARNIE    [chuckles]   SCENE 20. SOUND    CAREFUL FOOTSTEPS UP THE STAIRS SOUND    CREAK, FEET STOP DOC    Steady. Where are you now? MARNIE    Almost to the top. DOC    What do you see? MARNIE    Hallway.  Doors.  DOC    And behind you? MARNIE    Just the stairs.  DOC    [stern]  Did you look, or just guess? MARNIE    [panicky] Sorry!  I'll - I'll look.  It's stairs.  The door at the bottom is shut. DOC    Did you shut it? MARNIE    [almost a wail] I don't remember! DOC    Calm down.  One, two buckle my shoe-- HAROLD    [off, calling] Three four, shut the door-- MARNIE    [quiet, calming herself]  Five six.  Pick.  Up.  Sticks. DOC    Harold is looking too. MARNIE    [calm again] Yes. DOC    Don't forget the children. MARNIE    [breaks a little] Jerry DOC    Yah, dear Jerry. HAROLD    [coming closer] Seven? eight?  Lay them straight? MARNIE    [very quietly] Marco! DOC    [chuckles nastily, then]  Here in the hall, or one of the rooms? MARNIE    Here.  Here I have someplace to go-- SOUND    DOOR WRENCHED OPEN AT BOTTOM OF STAIRS HAROLD    Nine, ten - a big fat hen! DOC    What will you do now?  SOUND    FOOTSTEPS COMING UP STAIRS SOUND    GRIND OF FURNITURE BEING MOVED MARNIE    [exerting herself] No one ever fights them.  That's why. DOC    What was the question? HAROLD    Eleven, Twelve - dig and delve. MARNIE    [exerting] Why do they always win? DOC    Excellent. MARNIE    I love you. DOC    Of course. SOUND    GRIND OF FURNITURE ENDS, HEAVY SOMETHING GOES THUMPING DOEN THE STAIRS MARNIE    Hah! HAROLD    [scream of outrgae] DOC    Don't get too full of yourself-- SOUND    STAB MARNIE    [gasp of pain] LITTLE GIRL    [flat] You broke the chiffonier. DOC    It's low.  You'll live.  For a while.  Kill her. MARNIE    She's just a kid! SOUND    SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS BACKING UP, SMALL CHILD FOOTSTEPS STALKING, INTERMITTENT DRIPPING DOC    You do not ask the questions! MARNIE    [meek and in pain] No.  I'm sorry! LITTLE GIRL    We could have played.  [tsks] SOUND    KNIVES SHARPENING MARNIE    You hurt me! LITTLE GIRL    If I didn't, Harold would just have to. MARNIE    I- I can't! DOC    No time for breaks now.  Give or take.  [beat, solemn] I love you. MARNIE    I'm sorry. SOUND    MARNIE DASHES FORWARD MARNIE    Ung! SOUND    PICKS UP GIRL AND TOSSES HER DOWN THE STAIRS LITTLE GIRL    [noises of indignation as she falls] SOUND    THUMPS AND BUMPS DOC    [whispered] No breaks. MARNIE    I'm... hurt. SOUND    STICKY NOISE DOC    You should go home. SOUND    [OFF] DOOR SLAMS OPEN MARNIE    Harold! DOC    In here! MARNIE    Aah! HAROLD    [incoherent high pitched scream] SOUND    BODY SLAMS AGAINST DOOR, DOOR SLAMS OPEN, BODY TUMBLES INTO ROOM.  MARNIE SCOOTCHES AWAY FROM DOOR.   SCENE 21. SOUND    MARNIE SCRAMBLES UP TO HER FEET DOC    Out the window. MARNIE    [panting heavily] SOUND    FOOTSTEPS DRAG ACROSS THE ROOM, DRIPPING.  SOUND    POUNDING ON THE WINDOW MARNIE    It won't open. DOC    It is glass. MARNIE    [long gasping breath, then] ungh! SOUND    WINDOW SHATTERS DOC    Out! MARNIE    But I can't see-- DOC    You can see what's in here. MARNIE    [scream as she jumps] SOUND    ELECTRIC NOISES   SCENE 22. DOC    Where are you now? AMBIANCE    NIGHTTIME, OUTSIDE MARNIE    I'm on the ground.  What should I do? DOC    [rueful] You don't ask the questions. MARNIE    Zap me again.  DOC    It's much too late for that.  Why aren't you running? MARNIE    I think I'm broken. DOC    Will that stop you? MARNIE    I don't care any more. DOC    Are you absolutely sure? SOUND    DOOR BANGS OPEN, OFF MARNIE    [crying, crawling] DOC    Is it bad? MARNIE    Yes. DOC    I am sorry. MARNIE    I know. HAROLD    [howling] DOC    I love you. LITTLE BOY    [off] There she goes! HAROLD    [howling] SOUND    CHAINSAW REVS DOC    Where are you now? MARNIE    In deep shit. DOC    Where? MARNIE    Out back. SOUND    HEAVY FEET RUN ACROSS GRAVEL, COMING ON DOC    Where are you going? SOUND    BODY DROPS MARNIE    [muffled, crying] Nowhere. DOC    Nowhere? MARNIE    [panting, crying a little] I can't. My leg. SOUND    ROAR OF CHAINSAW GETS CLOSER DOC    What do you want? MARNIE    How can you ask that? DOC    It's my job. MARNIE    [beat]  Jerry-- DOC    But Jerry's-- MARNIE    [sob] Yes! DOC    Very well.  Let's take that break. SOUND     ELECTRIC HUM MARNIE    Umumum SOUND    HEARTBEAT   SCENE 23. AMB    NICEY WOODS SOUND    FOOTSTEPS JERRY    [teasing] What took you so long? MARNIE    [bright] Sorry.  Got a little caught up. JERRY    Is there anything wrong? MARNIE    No, Not anymore. JERRY    Wanna go down to the lake? MARNIE    More than anything. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS IN LEAVES SOUND    ECHOEY, DISTANT - CHAINSAW, MARNIE'S SCREAMS CLOSER OLIVIA    Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back.  Maybe next week?  Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...   *********************************************************** The "Truth": This story is going on inside the disturbed mind of a victim of a "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" type event.  Her boyfriend and other friends were killed by this creepy family of cannibals, and she was captured and chained to a chair. At first it sounds like she is being psychoanalyzed after the fact, but eventually it becomes clear that this is not "after" anything, she is still stuck in the events she is describing. The "Doctor" voice is, in fact, inside her head, and seems to represent her logic or her survival instinct - keeping her head clear and focused while the rest of her is busy panicking.  For example, the voice guides her to look around, to avoid things that are disturbing, and to focus on getting herself free. When all else fails, Doc "shocks" Marnie into a faint, where she experiences a pleasant flashback/dream to calm her down before returning to reality. To add to the dreamlike atmosphere of the story, and the connectedness of the two, the voices of Marnie and Doc are both played by me, and rotate - moving across the soundscape to trade places - very slowly throughout the episode. At the end, when there is no remaining hope, Marnie begs Doc for the shock - so she can be unconscious and "in a better place" when they ultimately kill her - and Doc kindly allows it.

Gavin Murdock is ambushed before he can even get on his new ship!  Will he be able to accomplish his clandestine goals?

Adapted by Julie Hoverson from several stories by Saki (H.H. Munro).   Four girls waiting for punishment tell tales of pranks they've pulled. Cast List Vera - Beverly Poole Matilda - Lyndsey Thomas Helen - Julie Hoverson Nora - Chandra Wade Alice - Xandria Nirvana Barber     Shock Tactics Heasant - Megan Lane Bertie - Jasper Loovis The Boar-Pig  Stossen - Jody Montague Miss Stossen - Hillary Dixon The Storyteller Bachelor - Cole Hornaday The Open Window Nuttel - Kim Turner Aunt - Robyn Keyes Uncle - Rick Lewis Alice's stunt doubles Caira Greenfield and Draven Schoberg Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Photo:  Daniel O'Connell (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an Edwardian girls' school, can't you tell?  This way to the Headmistress' office..." http://www.eastoftheweb.com/short-stories/UBooks/OpeWin.shtml ************************************************************* [transcript follows] The Saki Quartette Adapted by Julie Hoverson from several stories. I am a huge fan of H.H. Munro, who wrote under the pen name Saki in the early years of the 20th century.  His career ended prematurely when he was killed in The Great War at the age of 46. Saki is mainly remembered today for the amazing story "The Open Window," which I encourage everyone to read before listening to this episode, so I don't spoil it for you.  It's available on Project Gutenberg, you can get a reading on librivox, it's around.  It is considered to be one of the best short stories ever written in English, right up there with The Lottery by Shirley Jackson. While Saki wrote a number of supernatural, suspense, or speculative stories, his forte was relatively cruel humor - but always inflicted on those pompous enough that you didn’t feel too badly for them.  And since nobody really got hurt - unless you take it from a modern "mental damage" perspective, you can laugh.  Clovis Sangrail was an ever-recurrent character who sailed through many stories leaving havoc in his wake, but Vera from The Open Window reappeared from time to time as well (later described as a "flapper") - the two of them intersecting in The Almanac. This episode is an homage to Saki, and incorporates elements from four of his short stories - Shock Tactics, The Boar-Pig, The Storyteller, and of course The Open Window - with a bit of wrap story that is entirely my own. Three of the four principal girls were from my old high school's drama department, the fourth was me.  Several of the other voices were drawn from ART (American Radio Theater).  It's not a perfect recording - we can't seem to keep the pronunciation of "aunt" straight between us (including me) - and I hadn’t yet learned how to clean tracks perfectly yet, but overall it's fun and quite funny. Episodes like this were one reason I determined form the start that I wasn't going to nail myself into a "horror story" format.  The name "19 Nocturne Boulevard" is suggestive of the dark side, but open-ended enough to go anywhere I wanted to go. And as an aside, it has nothing to do with nocturne alley, is it, from Harry Potter?  Several people have commented on that, but when I created 19 Nocturne Boulevard, it was sometime around 2006, and I hadn’t - I may have heard of Harry Potter, but I never actually read the books.  This was entirely on my own.  It’s not a pun like Nocturne alley - nocturnally - was. I remember the summer of sitting there and thinking I want a number, and an address that sounds cool - what's a cool street? While sitting around at meetings of American Radio Theater. ******************************************************** SAKI QUARTETTE   Cast: Olivia, host Vera [open window] [15], sly Matilda [boar-pig] [14], mischievous Helen [shock tactics] [10], eager Nora [storyteller] [11], shy, rules-bound Alice [15], older girl, screams a lot [Shock Tactics] Bertie, Helen's older brother Heasant, their mother [Boar-Pig] Stossen Miss Stossen [Storyteller] Bachelor [open window] Nuttel Vera's Aunt Vera's Uncle OLIVIA    Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's an Edwardian girls' school, can't you tell?  This way to the headmistress's office. MUSIC   CHEEKY MUSIC FADES INTO SOUND   CHEERFUL RUNNING CHILDREN, THEN FADES SOUND   CLOCK TICKS LOUDLY, then under [three girls sit on a bench outside the headmistress' office, waiting to be punished] SOUND   COUGHS, FIDGETS.  SMALL FOOT KICKING CHAIR. HELEN   Why send us here if we're only to wait? NORA   [startled]  Huh?  What? HELEN   Oh, Nora.  I wish I could sleep with my eyes open.  I said, 'Why--' ALICE   [superior]  To put us into the proper frame of mind.  To contemplate our misdeeds.  HELEN    That's silly - I've been thinking about anything and everything BUT my misdeeds. ALICE   That's adults for you. SOUND   FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.  MATILDA SITS. MATILDA   Well, well.  Fresh blood? ALICE   They don't look very promising. HELEN    [huff] I'll have you know I've been called on the carpet plenty of times-- MATILDA   [sweetly, cutting her off] --don't care.  Besides, I wasn't referring to that.  [aside, to Alice]  You're right, they're not much good.  I think one of 'em is a waxwork. ALICE   Oh, well-- SOUND   DOOR OPENS.  SLOW FOOTSTEPS. VERA   [heaves a deep sigh]  Your turn, Miss Tramplethorpe. ALICE   Once more into the breach. SOUND   BENCH SQUEAKS AS SHE STANDS.  SLOW FOOTSTEPS.  DOOR SHUTS. VERA   If you don't mind, I'll join you for a bit. NORA   But you should be getting back-- SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, BENCH MATILDA   Not a mannequin, then.  No one will notice, at least for a bit.  Was it truly awful, Vera? VERA   Rather.  SOUND   MUFFLED BY DOOR, SOUND OF SIX SMACKS [RULER ACROSS HAND] UNDERLIE THE TALKING. NORA   What did you do?  What did ...she do? VERA   I?  I did nothing.  I will swear it to my grave. MATILDA   It's vulgar to ask for details. HELEN   I talked back to a teacher.  I've been told.  She didn't make any mention of it at the time, but I got a note sending me here. NORA   It's all quiet now, is it ...over? MATILDA   Of course not.  There's always castigation.  HELEN   Isn't that immodest? MATILDA   [sighs impatiently] VERA   It means Miss Twicket will be talking at her for some time.  Then there may be more strokes, depending on whether she is contrite. NORA   Are you contrite? HELEN   [superior] It's vulgar to ask. VERA   [chuckles] But I'm not.  It was entirely worth it.  [to Matilda, over the smaller girls]  I'll have to get back soon, Matilda, should we have a quick go-round? MATILDA   Without Alice? SOUND   ALICE WAILS, MUFFLED BY THE DOOR. VERA   [wincing] She'll likely be a while.  MATILDA   What about the small fry? NORA   That's not very nice. HELEN    I'll have you know-- VERA   Oh, let's.  They'll never split on us - will you? NORA   But - but - but what is it you--? HELEN   [eager] I'll never tell.  I'm not a sneak. NORA   But we don't even know what-- MATILDA   Promise or you'll never know. HELEN   I promise.  I'll never reveal anything, even under torture with wild horses. NORA   Well... HELEN   If you don't promise, you're doing me out, too. NORA   [reluctant]  I don't know.  Ow!  [she's been pinched] I won't tell!!  VERA and MATILDA laugh. VERA   It's not so very awful, ducklings.  We have a bit of a club - we call it the Ducks and Geese.  We each take any chance we get to play little tricks on people, and then share the stories.  We're the ducks... HELEN   And they are the Geese?   MATILDA   Yes.  And whomever has the best story, wins.  NORA   Wins?  What? MATILDA   Vera here is quite a champion liar. VERA   [correcting]  I prefer the term "romancer." MATILDA   We always meet here, so we all have to get ourselves into scrapes from time to time, just so we can link up. HELEN   [excited, but controlling herself]  How does one join? MATILDA   You have to have a story.  Something good.  I've got a lovely one from last summer holiday. VERA   Oh, I expect I can top it. SOUND   SLAPPING AGAIN, SIX OF THE BEST.  ALICE    [off] [HOWLS in pain] HELEN   [chagrined]  Oh.  Goodness.  [beat] well, I haven't really... NORA   I would never-- MATILDA   [dry]  I'm shocked.  [to Vera]  Oh, well, we'll have to talk later.  Perhaps Alice will be out soon. HELEN   Since I didn't know to prepare, what if I have a truly lovely story, even though it wasn't me that did the joke? MATILDA   I don't think so.  Sorry. VERA   Well...  We might listen.  It will pass some time, and then we can deliberate. MATILDA   It had better be good. HELEN   I think so - My older brother has a friend-- VERA   Oh, not a friend of a friend tale - those are old enough to have beards. HELEN   --this friend is quite the card. MATILDA   An ace or a joker? HELEN   His name is Clovis Sangrail. [SILENCE FOR A MOMENT] VERA   Oh-ho!  MATILDA   Truly?  You know Clovis?  Perhaps we should make you a member just on the basis of that.  NORA   Who is Clovis Singrill? VERA   [very superior] Sangrail.  He is our own Jove - the very top of the tree when it comes to our sort of japes. MATILDA   Absolutely the lobster's dress shirt.  Though if I do say so myself, a distant cousin of mine, Reginald, is starting to make a good showing. VERA   Go on, then.  You must tell us your Clovis story.  We might decide to be kind, even if it would be nepotism of a sort. MATILDA   Clever by association.  What was your name, again, duckling? HELEN   Helen.  Well, my oldest brother Bertie was chafing terribly, since being nearly 20, he felt mother should stop reading his private correspondence. VERA   Oh, I cured mine of that long ago. HELEN   Yes, but Bertie's simply not assertive - not on his own.  SOUND   MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK SCENE HELEN   [fading] So one day, a letter arrives... MRS. HEASANT   [off, a wail, then coming on]  Ohhh!  Helen!  Oh, heavens, Helen!  Bertie is in the toils of an adventuress!  [ominously]  Her name is Clotilde! HELEN   Truly, mother?  Where?  In the rose garden? MRS. HEASANT   No!  In the post! HELEN   How did they fit in the post? MRS. HEASANT   Hssh!  Listen to this:  "Bertie, carissimo, I wonder if you will have the nerve to do it.  Don't forget the jewels.  They are a detail, but details interest me.  Yours as ever, Clotilde.  Postscript - Your mother must not know of my existence.  If questioned swear you never heard of me."  HELEN   Clotilde?  I don't know of any-- MRS. HEASANT   Well, your brother certainly does! HELEN   Perhaps he only just-- MRS. HEASANT   Oh, no!  "As Ever" she says!  As ever!  They've been carrying on under my very nose for ...who knows how long. HELEN   [narrating]  When my brother returned home, mother braced him with the incriminating Clotilde, and of course he denied it. MRS. HEASANT   How well you have learned your lesson! HELEN   He really didn't make much of it, and when she insisted he would have no dinner unless he confessed, I saw him take rather a quantity of sandwich materials up to his room with him.  Then, with the next post: NORA   [completely enthralled] Another letter? HELEN   Oh, yes.  SOUND   INSISTENT KNOCKING ON DOOR BERTIE   [muffled, speaking through door]  What is it this time? MRS. HEASANT   Miserable boy!  What have you done to Dagmar? BERTIE    [muffled]  It's Dagmar now, is it?  It will be Geraldine next. MRS. HEASANT   [in absolute hysterics]  That it should come to this, after all my efforts.  It's no use; Clotilde's letter betrays everything.  [reading] "Poor Dagmar.  Now she is done for I almost pity her.  The servants all think it was suicide.  Better not touch the jewels till after the inquest.  Clotilde."  [leaves off with a wail] SOUND   DOOR OPENS BERTIE   I don't suppose this letter betrays who this Clotilde is?  Seriously, mother, if you go on like this I shall have to go fetch a doctor; I've often enough been preached at about nothing, but I've never had an imaginary harem dragged into the discussion. SOUND   DOOR SLAMS HELEN   Mother could have used a doctor, for she was utterly purple about the face from screaming, and had to go and have a lie down - at least until the next post. SOUND   KNOCKING ON DOOR, MUCH SUBDUED MRS. HEASANT   [also much subdued] Bertie?  Bertie, darling? BERTIE   What is it this time?  Have I stolen the Mona Lisa? MRS. HEASANT   No.  You... have another letter.  From ... Mr. Sangrail.  SOUND   DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN BERTIE   [not giving an inch]  Why not go on and tell me what he has to say?  MRS. HEASENT   [clears throat, then reads, much abashed]  "Dear Bertie.  I hope I haven't distracted your brain with the spoof letters.  You told me the other day that ...somebody... at your home [ahem] tampered with your letters, so I thought I would give them something exciting to read. [slowing with embarrassment]  The... shock might do them good..." HELEN   [finishing up]  And then, Bertie threatened to get a nerve specialist in to look at mother, since she was obviously far too highly strung - and she couldn't possibly stand the scandal, she said - and they agreed he wouldn't - but only if she would stop.  Reading his mail, you see. NORA   [concerned]  But, did she? HELEN   [ominous] So far. MATILDA   We'll review your application.  Next? NORA   I?  Oh, I truly don't have anything... VERA   [warning] You'd best think of something.  We can't have outsiders hearing all our secrets. MATILDA   I'll go ahead and tell mine - it's not so exotic as to cause a panic, and it will give this little gosling time to think. VERA   I suppose so.  What do you think, Helen? HELEN   [surprised and thrilled] Me?  Oh!  [trying to sound grown up and important]  Oh.  I think we should give her one more chance.  She had no time to prepare, after all. SOUND   SMACKING AGAIN FROM WITHIN, ALICE WAILS MATILDA   Speaking of preparing - I'd best be quick, as I believe I'm next for the chop.  Very well, I was staying with my aunt in the country, and it was the day of a very important garden party - some princess was attending and everyone wanted to come.  My aunt gloated over the guest list for days.  VERA   What is it with aunts?  It's as if we all have at least one who is utterly impossible. NORA   [something is coming to her] Ah!  Aunts... MATILDA   Mine told me to be on my best behavior, and to imitate my insipid cousin, Claude, which would have been quite horrible.  HELEN   [bold, trying to sound knowing] I think everyone must have a cousin Claude or Eggbert, or ... something [falters] as... as well as an aunt... MATILDA   [sigh, eye roll] So... so, when they got on me for eating too much raspberry trifle at luncheon, they said over and over that Claude would never do a thing like that.  So when Claude went down for his nap - imagine, he's all of 11 and still goes meekly to afternoon naps like an infant. GIRLS    [SNICKER] VERA   He's the type who will end up married to someone quite overbearing. HELEN   Like an aunt? GIRLS    [SNICKER TERRIBLY] MATILDA   While he was napping, I took the opportunity to take a huge dish of raspberry trifle and force feed it to him - well, much of it got on his sailor suit and the bed, but enough went down him that they will never again be able to say he's never eaten too much raspberry trifle. VERA   Oh, that's a good one! NORA   I do have a story! MATILDA   I'm not finished - that is merely the prologue to my tale, explaining why I was sitting in the back paddock, rather than prancing about the garden party with Claude and Auntie. NORA   Oh!  I'm so-- VERA   Shh.  Pray continue, scherezade. HELEN   I thought her name was Matilda? VERA   Oh, hush. MATILDA   [taking a deep breath]  So I was sitting in a medlar tree, being stupefied with boredom, when I saw two ladies, dressed as if for the garden party, sail through the paddock in an attempt at infiltration. HELEN   Weren't they rather obvious? MATILDA   There was really no one there to see, excepting myself.  And they never once looked up as they passed by.  Well, with no ulterior motive in mind, I decided to let aunt's prize boar-pig, Tarquin Superbus, into the paddock behind them.  It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I knew the gate they were aiming for was locked and they would be forced to come back the same way. GIRLS    [GIGGLE] SOUND   MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK MATILDA   So, when they did... SOUND   OUTDOORS AMBIANCE.  BIRDS.  SLIGHT PIG SNUFFLING IN THE BACKGROUND MRS. STOSSEN   [fading in] I stopped Mrs. Cuvering in the road yesterday and talked very pointedly about the Princess.  If she didn't choose to take the hint and send me an invitation it's not my fault, is it? SOUND   DEEP PIG NOISES MISS STOSSEN   Oh! MRS. STOSSEN   Oomph! [pulling up short, irritated] What?  Oh!  What a villainous-looking animal, it wasn't there when we came in. MISS STOSSEN   It's there now, anyhow.  I mean, what on earth are we to do? I wish we had never come. BOTH STOSSENS   Shoo!  Hish! SOUND   CLOSER, DEEP PIG NOISES MATILDA   [slightly off] If you think you'll drive him away by reciting lists of the kings of Israel and Judah, you're laying yourselves out for disappointment. MRS. STOSSEN   Oh!  Little girl!  MISS STOSSEN   Can you find someone to drive away-- MATILDA   [French] Comment? Comprends-pas. [cohm-oh? cohm-prawn pah - what? I don't understand] NOTE   MATILDA'S FRENCH IS REASONABLY SMOOTH.  MRS. STOSSEN'S IS VERY BAD. MRS. STOSSEN   Oh, are you French?  Etes vous Francaise? [et voo fran-sehz? - are you French?] MATILDA   Pas du tout.  Suis Anglaise.  [pah doo toot.  sweez ahn-glehz - not at all.  I'm English] MRS. STOSSEN   Then why not talk English?  I want to know if-- MATILDA   Permettez-moi expliquer.  [pair-meh-tay mwa eks-plee-kay - let me explain] [narrating again] And I went into a rather long description of Claude and aunt and the raspberry trifle, ending with -- [slightly off again] ...and as an additional punishment I must speak French all the afternoon.  I've had to tell you all this in English, as there were words like 'forcible feeding' that I didn't know the French for.  Mais maintenant, nous parlons francais.  [may mant-noh, new par-lon frahn-say - and now, we will speak French] MRS. STOSSEN   Oh, very well, tres bien [tray bee-ehn].  [with much difficulty] La, a l'autre cote de la porte, est...um... [la, a low-truh coat de la port, ehst... - there, on the other side of the door, is...]  [to Miss S] um, a pig? MISS STOSSEN   Oh, goodness, un grenouille? [uhn grahn-wee?] MRS. STOSSEN    No, no.  I'm reasonably certain that's a frog.  Oh, yes - un cochon. [uhn koh-shawn - a pig] MATILDA   Un cochon? Ah, le petit charmant! [uhn koh-shawn?  Ah, le pet-eet shar-mont! - a pig,oh the little sweet!] MRS. STOSSEN   Mais non, pas du tout petit, et pas du tout charmant; un bete feroce!  [may noh, pah doo too peh-teet, ay pah doo too shar-mont; un bet feh-rohs! - but no, not at all little, and not at all sweet; a beast ferocious!] MATILDA   Une bete. [Oon bet]  A pig is masculine as long as you call it a pig, but if you lose your temper with it and call it a ferocious beast it becomes one of us at once.  French is a dreadfully unsexing language. MRS. STOSSEN   For goodness' sake let us talk English then.  MISS STOSSEN   Is there any way out of this garden except through the paddock where the pig is? SOUND   OUTSIDE AMBIENCE ENDS ABRUPTLY SOUND   FOOTSTEPS IN HALLWAY GIRLS    [SHUSH THEMSELVES, PRACTICALLY STOPPING BREATHING, AS THE FOOTSTEPS GET CLOSER.] NORA   [Hiccups.  She tries to smother it, but cannot.] HELEN   [whispered] Shh.  Hold your breath! SOUND   THE FOOTSTEPS ARE RIGHT ON THEM, AND STOP. HELEN   [gasp] NORA   [Hiccups continue.  She is almost crying with the effort of trying to stop.] SOUND   FOOTSTEPS GO OFF.  AS SOON AS THEY ARE OUT OF EARSHOT-- VERA   Whew.  She's a tartar. MATILDA   Not a sympathetic bone in her body. HELEN   Why didn't she say anything? VERA   She knows we're already in for it. NORA   Well, [hiccup] you've already been in for it - was it really that [hiccup] bad? SOUND   AS IF ON CUE, SMACKING AND ALICE'S WHIMPERS FROM BEHIND THE DOOR. NORA   [gasps - her hiccups are now gone] HELEN   So what happened with your boar-pig?  Did he devour the invaders? MATILDA   Devour them?  Oh no - Tarquin Superbus prefers rotten fruit to interlopers any day.  They bribed me to lead him away.  I don't think they were best pleased about it, once they realized what a sweet disposition he has. NORA   But of course, they were in the wrong, trying to crash a party like that.  So you were merely punishing them. VERA   Right and wrong have less than nothing to do with it.  We're not the courts, or even public opinion.  A joke is a joke, even if it's on a perfectly nice person who doesn't deserve it in the least. MATILDA   Though it is much more fun, and less likely to get one into severe hot water, when the person joked on can't complain without revealing their own shortcomings. NORA   I -- VERA   Speak up gosling.  A sentence is comprised of at least two words. NORA   [whispered] I might ... have a story. MATILDA   Five!  And with a full stop.  Alright, then, pray continue. NORA   We were on a train.  It was some years back, and my aunt was exceedingly boring.  There was a gentleman in the carriage with us, and when he stooped so low as to criticize my aunt's storytelling abilities, she dared him to tell one. MUSIC   FOR FLASHBACK NORA   [sounding very young throughout flashbacks] Yes, please - tell us a story!  [narrating] Anything would have been better than my aunt's stories - you would have thought she was never a child herself. MATILDA   I say, there's an idea - perhaps aunts arrive like motorcars, fully assembled from the factory? VERA   Shh.  Give ear to the duckling. NORA   [pause] Oh, me?  Yes.  Well, the story-- SOUND   MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK.  TRAIN LOOP BEHIND BACHELOR BACHELOR    Very well.  Once upon a time, there was a little girl called Bertha, who was extraordinarily good.  She did all that she was told, she was always truthful, she kept her clothes clean, learned her lessons perfectly, and was polite in her manners.  She was ...horribly good. VERA   [slightly off] Can one be horribly good?  Truly? MATILDA   [slightly off] Claude.  Definitely. VERA   [agreeing] Mm. BACHELOR   She was so good, that she won several medals for goodness, which she always wore, pinned on to her dress.  They were large metal medals and they clinked against one another as she walked.  No other child in the town where she lived had as many as three medals, so everybody knew that she must be an extra good child. NORA   [young, gleeful] Horribly good. BACHELOR   The Prince got to hear about Bertha, and said that as she was so very good she might walk in his park.  NORA   [young] Were there any sheep in his park? BACHELOR   No.  There were no sheep. NORA   [young] Why weren't there any sheep? BACHELOR   Because the Prince's mother had once had a dream that her son would either be killed by a sheep or else by a clock falling on him. The Prince never kept a sheep in his park or a clock in his palace. VERA   Oh, very good.  MATILDA   Was this fellow passenger by any chance a long, lithe, languid type with a somewhat nasal voice? NORA   No, why? VERA   She was wondering whether you've encountered Clovis as well.  Roll along. NORA   Oh, so, um, he said the park was full of little black, gray, and white pigs, and -- BACHELOR   --Bertha was rather sorry to find that there were no flowers in the park. She had promised her aunts, with tears in her eyes, that she would not pick any of the kind Prince's flowers, and she had meant to keep her promise, so of course it made her feel silly to find that there were no flowers to pick. NORA    [young] Why weren't there any flowers? BACHELOR   Because the pigs had eaten them all. VERA   [to Matilda] You know, I'm becoming quite convinced you're right, though the story hardly sounds vicious enough for Clovis. NORA   Oh, I just haven't gotten to the-- um... VERA   To the "um..."?  Very well. NORA   Bertha was just thinking-- BACHELOR   [falsetto] --'If I were not so extraordinarily good I should not have been allowed to come into this beautiful park,' and her medals clinked against one another to remind her how very good she was.  Just then an enormous wolf came prowling into the park to see if it could catch a fat little pig for its supper.  The first thing that it saw in the park was Bertha; her pinafore was so spotlessly white and clean that it could be seen from a great distance. MATILDA   I have never heard a better argument against cleanliness.  I shall go out and get myself despicably filthy forthwith. HELEN   After your visit inside. MATILDA   [annoyed] THANK you.  I had actually managed to forget that for a bit. NORA   [quickly jumps in]  Bertha saw the wolf and she began to wish that she had never been allowed to come into the park... BACHELOR   ...She ran as hard as she could, and the wolf came after her with huge leaps and bounds.  She managed to reach a shrubbery of myrtle bushes and hid herself.  The wolf came sniffing among the branches, its pale grey eyes glaring with rage.  Bertha was terribly frightened, and thought to herself: [falsetto]  'If I had not been so extraordinarily good I should have been safe in the town at this moment.'  However, the scent of the myrtle was so strong that the wolf could not sniff out where Bertha was, so he thought he might as well go off and catch a little pig instead.   VERA   Definitely not Clovis. NORA   [cross, almost yelling]  LET ME FINISH! MATILDA   Hmph!  Well, proceed. NORA   Bertha trembled and the medal for obedience clinked against the medals for good conduct and punctuality.   BACHELOR   The wolf heard the sound of the medals clinking and dashed into the bush, dragged Bertha out, and devoured her to the last morsel.  All that was left were her shoes, bits of clothing, and three medals for goodness. HELEN   Were any of the little pigs killed? MATILDA and VERA laugh somewhat scornfully NORA   Funny, that's just what my brother asked.  No.  They all got away.  We all agreed it was the most beautiful story we'd ever heard - well, except for aunt, who seemed to find it highly improper. MATILDA   We shall have to write to Clovis and find out if he's been engaged in the railway storytelling circuit. VERA   [chuckles]  NORA   This was some years ago, when I was quite young. VERA and MATILDA chuckle again.  HELEN joins in, but a bit too loudly. VERA   I fear, my darlings, that I shall still take the palm today, for I had occasion recently for the most stupendous jape of all...  [PAUSE] HELEN   Well? VERA   I am composing myself. NORA   [gasps] MATILDA   Oh, not again. NORA   [hastily reassuring] No, no. VERA   I am ready.  I must be careful and include all the vitally important details, for this was more than a mere trick on an aunt... SOUND   MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK VERA   [narrating] There was a tedious little man visiting our neighborhood for some sort of rest cure.  [to Nuttel]  Do you know many of the people round here? NUTTEL   Hardly a soul.  My sister stayed nearby some four years ago, and she gave me letters of introduction to some of the people here. VERA   [calculating]  Then you know practically nothing about my aunt? HELEN   More aunts? MATILDA   Aunts are universal.  Now Shh. NUTTEL    Only your aunt and uncle's names and the address. VERA   Uncle.  Oh I see.  [confidential] Aunt's great tragedy happened just three years ago.  That would be since your sister's time. NUTTEL   T-Tragedy? VERA   You may wonder why we keep that French window wide open on an October afternoon. NUTTEL   It is quite warm for the time of the year, but ... tragedy? VERA   [ominous] Out through that window, three years ago to a day, Aunt's husband and brothers went off shooting... and never came back.  In crossing the moor, they were engulfed in a treacherous piece of bog.  Their bodies were never recovered. [voice breaks]  That was the dreadful part of it.  Poor aunt thinks that they will come back some day, with uncle's little brown spaniel, and walk in that window just as they used to do.  [almost a whisper]  Do you know, sometimes on still, quiet evenings like this, I almost get a creepy feeling that they will all walk in through that window-- [shudder] NUTTEL   Uh, yes... SOUND   DOOR, SWIFT FOOTSTEPS AUNT   I hope Vera has been amusing you? NUTTEL   [spooked] She has been very... interesting. AUNT   I hope you don't mind the open window.  My husband and brothers will be home directly, and they always come in this way. NUTTEL   Um, yes.  [changing the subject]  Um, yes - [awkward pause] the doctors agree in ordering me complete rest and an absence of mental excitement.  On the subject of diet, they are less in agreement. AUNT   [bored]  Ah?  NUTTEL   Some opine that toast with marmalade is better for digestion, while other lean more towards toast without. AUNT   [yawns] NUTTEL   Still other physicians insist on no toast at all.  On the subject of eggs... AUNT   [brightening]  Aha! Here they are at last!  Just in time for tea! VERA   [narrating] I put on my best look of wide-eyed fear and stared - I always think of cats when I do that. NUTTEL   [confused] What?  [panicked] Ahhh! SOUND   RUNNING FEET, DOOR OPENS, SLAMS CLOSED. NOTE   MILK THIS MOMENT FOR SUSPENSE SOUND   OMINOUSLY SLOW, SQUISHY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH.  DOG YIPS MOURNFULLY, then UNCLE   Here we are, my dear.  Who was that who bolted out as we came up? AUNT   A most extraordinary man, a Mr. Nuttel.  Could only talk about his illnesses, and dashed off without a word of good-bye or apology when you arrived.  One would think he had seen a ghost. VERA   I expect it was the spaniel.  [the awful truth]  He told me he had a horror of dogs.  He was once hunted into a cemetery somewhere on the banks of the Ganges by a pack of pariah dogs, and had to spend the night in a newly dug grave with the creatures snarling and grinning and foaming just above him.  Enough to make anyone lose their nerve. MATILDA   Oh, bravo - two for the price of one! NORA   How could he be afraid of a Spaniel?  They're so-- HELEN   Silly!  She was romancing! NORA   Oh.  [thinks]  Oh!  MATILDA   And her uncle wasn't dead either. NORA   Well, I - I think I realized that. SOUND   ALICE SCREAMING FROM BEHIND THE DOOR - HORRIBLE AGONY HELEN   What?  NORA   Eek! VERA   [slightly shaken] That sounds dreadful! MATILDA   [very shaken] And I'm next! SOUND   ALICE SCREAMING TAPERS OFF TO A GURGLE MATILDA   Poor Alice! HELEN   Maybe the headmistress will wear herself out before she gets to us -- VERA   [calculating, then dry]  Perhaps, but then, she'll just summon a few prefects to help. HELEN   Really?  But - but what could she be doing? VERA   [knowing] Let's see, shall we? SOUND   SLIGHT CREAKS AS SHE TIPTOES TO DOOR VERA   Shh. [pause] ALICE    [Screams, muffled] SOUND   DOOR SWINGS OPEN ALICE   AAH! [notices door] Ahh? SOUND   SCRAMBLING FEET, THEY ALL COME TO LOOK NORA   Where's the headmistress? MATILDA   Oh, jolly good one, Alice.  You gave me such a turn. SOUND   SLOW SERIES OF HAND CLAPS ALICE    Yes, yes.  No autographs, please.  Screaming does dry out my throat. HELEN   It was just you...? MATILDA   I believe, this time, that Alice takes the laurel.  VERA   Oh, I don't think so. MATILDA   Whyever not? VERA   [grinning like a fiend]  Who do you think sent round the sham detention notices to bring us all here? SOUND   A MOMENT, THEN GENERAL APPLAUSE NORA   [confused] Oh? [getting it] Oh! MUSIC OLIVIA   Now that you know how to find us, don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...  

A new 8 part series! Chapter 1 - Gavin Murdock gets himself a berth on a venusian slaver ship with a unique spacedrive.  But what is his secret motivation?

[transcript below] Reissue episode of the week! Jack.  In the Box. Shortly after WWII, a crate full of parts appears on a young divorcee's doorstep.  Can she and her young son figure out what it is and what it's for? ...And how will this affect the fate of the world?. Cast List Jack/Unit X-14 - Greg Porter Trudy Garfunkel - Julie Hoverson Timmy Garfunkel - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. MacGruder - Marge Lutton Susan - Melinda Mains Col. Chutney - Richard Haviland Mockam - Cole Hornaday Pockam - Kim Turner Additional voices on the radio - Diana Haviland, Joy Jackson, Pat McNally Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) and Jonathon Roberts (jmtr.com) Recorded in conjunction with ART (American Radio Theater) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Photo:  Kalyana Sundaram (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com)   "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an aging bungalow court apartment, can't you tell?" ************************************************************* This was an early comedy romance episode I wrote specifically with A-R-T - American Radio Theater - in mind.  This was recorded with A-R-T in Marge's dining room.  I would like to point out that the title is not "jack-in-the-box" but Jack[period] in the box [period].  It's a subtle distinction, but it does make it mean something a bit different. I also want to point out right away that the whole Chinese suspicion subplot was meant to be silly and a clue to how disconnected from reality Mrs. McGruder is, not serious.  Keep in mind this was written ten years ago and set in the 1940s.  I have nothing but disgust for any frickinh racists who are currently, in real life, harassing people of Asian descent, particularly the elderly.  The transcript is on the page here, and you will note that the first couple of "radio shows" heard in the background in this episode are in the main script, but after that, they got too complicated to write in between lines and I moved them to the end so they could be recorded "of a piece".  The shows are clear parodies of The Shadow, I love a Mystery, and Flash Gordon.  This also marks the first appearance of Tunis the Unstoppable, whom I later used in Bingo the Birthday Clown. I realized recently that I haven't yet included the full text of the opening sequence of 19 Nocturne Boulevard in any of my transcripts.  My apologies, and it will follow.  It originally started out much longer, but I whittled it down until it was just the right length. Platinum Death Ray Forever! ******************************************************** 19 Nocturne Boulevard Opening VOICE:    19 Nocturne Boulevard CABBIE:    Nocturne Boulevard?  Not far.  When you hit Howard, hang a right.  Howard meets Philip at a weird kind of angle, then you cross James and Poe.  You can't miss Nocturne, it's just past the Automat. VOICE:    19 Nocturne Boulevard, your address for suspenseful stories of the speculative, strange, and supernatural.  [VOICE, or OLIVIA]    Tonight's story is [title] [also might include warning about violence or language here] OLIVIA:    Yes.  This is 19 Nocturne Boulevard, won't you step inside?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why it's a [episode specific location] ***************************************************** JACK. IN THE BOX.   Cast: Trudy Garfunkel (F/30ish), divorcee, single mom Timmy Garfunkel (M/10), her son MacGruder (F/50ish), landlady Colonel Chutney (M/70), retired WWI colonel Susan (F/20ish), Trudy's co-worker Jack (M), a robot Mockam (any), an alien Pockam (any), another alien   ON THE RADIO: Announcer Horse voice Ralph The Spook Thug 1 Thug 2 Jake Mack Frenchy Snap Harper Amanda Cool Tunis the unstoppable OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a run-down bungalow apartment court, can't you tell?  SCENE 1. MUSIC     CREEPY SCI FI AMBIANCE      VERY ALIEN POCKAM     The interview will be conducted in the unit's assimilated language. MOCKAM     Report, unit X-14. JACK     [very robotic in all scenes with aliens]  Report.  Earth viability as target for invasion-- MUSIC     BREAK   OLIVIA     Oops.  My mistake.  Here's that bungalow court...   SCENE 2. MUSIC     A BIT OF MELODRAMA - VERY 40s AMBIANCE     OUTSIDE.  TRAFFIC NEARBY SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL.  DOOR OPENS SLIGHTLY OFF. MACGRUDER     [slightly off] Trudy?  Trudy! SOUND     FOOTSTEPS STOP TRUDY     [sigh]  Mrs. MacGruder.  SOUND     FOOTSTEPS SWIVEL IN GRAVEL TRUDY     I'll have the rent on-- MACGRUDER     [slightly off] Oh, no this is ...  When? TRUDY     Friday.  Um, what, then? MACGRUDER     [coming on]  You got a package! TRUDY     What?  I didn't-- MACGRUDER     I was thinking just that.  What's Trudy Garfunkel doing ordering stuff--? TRUDY     I didn't! MACGRUDER     On her little government salary, and I knew she-- I mean, you-- wouldn't, so then I wondered if maybe it wasn't that deadbeat man of yours-- TRUDY     He's not mine- he hasn't been for a long time-- MACGRUDER     --Might have sent something for the boy, so I figured no harm in letting the movers into your place - I hope you don't mind - but I wanted to let you know before you walk in and trip over it or anything.  TRUDY     Thank you for the warning.  SOUND     FOOTSTEPS - BOTH OF THEM TRUDY     You don't have to-- MACGRUDER     I better go come along and make sure, since if I let it into your place and it turned out to be something dangerous, well I'd never forgive myself.  On the other hand, I was just thinking it might just be a vacuum cleaner, so I was just thinking if it was a vacuum cleaner, then I would knock a whole dollar off your rent - each week - if you just let me use it.  [gasps] TRUDY     The box is that big?  I mean big enough for a vacuum? SOUND     FOOTSTEPS STOP MACGRUDER     Lands sakes!  You just have to get a gander at it!  [beat] Well?  Open it. SOUND     A COUPLE OF ALMOST HESITANT STEPS ON STONE, THEN KEY IN LOCK TRUDY     Did the movers say anything when they--? MACGRUDER     Say anything?  Well, I expect they did, but they didn't really seem to speak much English.  Didn't worry me much though - they were big Italian looking fellers, not Chinese at all. SOUND     KNOB TURNS TRUDY     Chinese?  Why Chinese? MACGRUDER     Oh, I heard it on the radio just the other day, about the Chinese.  Not sure what they said, but I'll tell you, you better check your laundry reaaal good. TRUDY     [dubious]  All right. SOUND     DOOR OPENS.  A COUPLE FOOTSTEPS, THEN PULLED UP SHORT TRUDY     [gasps] MACGRUDER     Didn't I tell you? TRUDY     You said a box - I didn't expect a crate!  How'd they get it through the door? MACGRUDER     Crate.  Box.  I said it was big enough for a vacuum.  TRUDY     [joking] Or some Chinese. MACGRUDER     You think so, too?  Well, you better open it now - maybe this is how they plan to invade or do whatever it was the radio was saying about them.  I'll stay with you while you do it, so that I can run back and call the army if they come popping out of there. TRUDY     I really doubt it's a box of Chinese people. MACGRUDER     You better check! SOUND     SCRABBLING AT WOOD.  TAPPING - SOUNDS PRETTY SOLID. TRUDY     I don't know how to open it. MACGRUDER     Here, I'll go and get a hammer.  We'd better get this done quickly! TRUDY     Yes, I'd rather have this sorted out before Timmy gets home. MACGRUDER     [going off] Oh, well, that too - I was thinking that "Love of a Generation" will be coming on the radio real soon. TRUDY     The radio.  Tsch.  [almost chuckling]  Chinese.   SCENE 3. MUSIC     SPACE AMBIANCE      SPACE SHIP MOCKAM     Status of Earth readiness to hold off an invasion fleet? JACK     The earth is fully prepared to repel all invaders. POCKAM     What?  We have seen no evidence--! MOCKAM     Explain.   SCENE 4. MUSIC     40s MELODRAMA SOUND     SQUEAK OF NAILS AS CRATE LID IS PRIED OFF MACGRUDER     What is it? TRUDY     Let me get the lid off before you go jumping in - you don't want the nails to get you.  MACGRUDER     [sniffs]  Well, it doesn't smell Chinese. TRUDY     [takes breath as if to say something, then sighs]  No. SOUND     HEAVY LID FALLS TO FLOOR MACGRUDER     Well, someone sent you a box of excelsior - sure it wasn't your ex husband?  He seems the type to be making a big deal out of nothing. SOUND     ROOTING AROUND IN PAPER SHREDS TRUDY     Every belonging he ever had wouldn't fill this darn thing.  No, the only time he remembers to send us anything is the occasional model airplane for Timmy's birthday - and they're always late. MACGRUDER     You're better off without him.  Just like Ermintrude on Romances of the Great White Way.  She dumped a crumb who would-- TRUDY     I found something! SOUND     METAL CLANG AS SOMETHING IS PULLED OUT OF PAPER SHREDS MACGRUDER     Well...  It could still be a vacuum cleaner. TRUDY     Here - set this down somewhere. MACGRUDER     Hmph.  Well, I can't be standing around here all day, and if there's nothing more in there but scrap metal-- TRUDY     Aha!  Papers! MACGRUDER     Instructions? SOUND      RIFFLE OF MANY PAGES TRUDY     Um... Maybe.  I don't think it's in English. MACGRUDER     Lessee.  I knew it!  Chinese! SOUND      TAPS PAPER   SCENE 5. MUSIC     SPACE AMBIANCE      SPACE SHIP MOCKAM     Which country or continent has the largest potential resistance force? POCKAM     Who do we capture first, in other words? JACK     [strange stuttering noise] Uh, uh, The main army is not that of any surface nation, but a hidden underground force-- POCKAM     Explain!  Underground? JACK     The minions of Tunis the Unstoppable are counted in the millions.   SCENE 6. MUSIC     40s MELODRAMA SOUND     [off] DOOR SLAMS OPEN, FEET RUNNING IN TIMMY     Hey mom!  I'm starvin--  TRUDY     [absently]  Close the door. SOUND     PAGES TURN TIMMY     Whoa!  What in Hi-ho Silver is that? TRUDY     Huh?  [coming out of it]  Oh!  Young man, I should make you march right back outside and come back in like a civilized human being, and not like a--  a-- TIMMY     Bucking bronco? TRUDY     No, that was last week.  Um, a-- TIMMY     Crazy apeman? TRUDY     Fine.  Like a crazy apeman.  But I happen to be busy. TIMMY     If-- TRUDY     Ask like a-- TOGETHER     --civilized human being. TRUDY     [swallows a chuckle] TIMMY     What is it, then, mom?  It looks -- well--? TRUDY     Honestly, I'm not sure.  Grab yourself an apple in the kitchen, and come and help me find a part that looks like this--   SCENE 7. MUSIC     SPACE AMBIANCE      SPACE SHIP POCKAM     [worried] Of what nation is this Tunis the unstoppable?  Has he no enemies on Earth? JACK     [sounding slightly human] He is the secret master of the world.  His armies are legion.   SCENE 8. MUSIC     40s MELODRAMA SOUND     SQUEAKY.  METAL PIECES BEING PUT TOGETHER.  FINALLY SNAPS IN TRUDY     There!  [pause, sigh, gasp] Goodness!  Look at the time!  It's nearly dinner! TIMMY     Ah, bananas!  I missed the start of Ralph Richardson, Thug Breaker! SOUND     SCRAMBLE ACROSS THE FLOOR.  RADIO TUNING IN TRUDY     Don't wanna keep me company in here while I get set to feed you? SOUND     RADIO CRACKLE, WARMING UP TIMMY     Oh, c'mon mom!  Ralph just found the smuggler's lakeside warehouse, and then they caught him and tied him to a piling and the tide's coming in! SOUND     RADIO MUSIC ANNOUNCER     [very tinny] ...that's why Alfalfa-bet is your best bet for breakfast.  Ask any horse what he likes and he'll say-- HORSE VOICE     Alfalfa-Bet! ANNOUNCER     And now, hear the creaking of the piling? SOUND     PILINGS CREAK ANNOUNCER     Hear the lapping of the incoming tide? SOUND     TIDE LAPS ANNOUNCER     But can we still hear Ralph? RALPH     [A couple of manly grunts] TIMMY     C'mon Ralph!  You can get loose!   SCENE 9. MUSIC     SPACE AMBIANCE      SPACE SHIP MOCKAM     [suspicious]  We have seen no evidence of this Tunis the unstoppable. JACK     He is said to be an ancient sorcerer, who is capable of hiding his every movement. POCKAM     That's ludicrous!  Explain this title of Sorcerer! JACK     One who manipulates the ether and the world around him through mental abilities, rather than the use of devices or scientific artifices. MOCKAM AND POCKAM     [gasp]   SCENE 10. MUSIC     40s MELODRAMA SOUND     RADIO BACKGROUND The SPOOK     Of course you could not see me, for I have the cloak of ancient darkness to protect myself! THUG 1     Oh no! THUG 2     You said it.  He's got us.  There ain't no way out. SOUND     MUSIC SWELLS SOUND     CLICK.  RADIO OFF TIMMY     Well, that's a fine how d'you do! TRUDY     It's time for bed, and we've nearly finished putting this... thing... together. TIMMY     I still say it's a robot!  Look, arms, legs - everything. TRUDY     A robot would look as silly as anyone else without a head.  Up, up! TIMMY     [moving slowly off] You'll look through the shavings again, won't you?  See if there's anything else in the box? TRUDY     Aye, Aye, captain.  Now scoot!   SCENE 11. MUSIC     SPACE AMBIANCE      SPACE SHIP MOCKAM     Is this planet Earth very populated with these... sorcerers? JACK     From my research, they are few but very powerful. POCKAM     Bah!  Even such as these cannot withstand our platinum death ray!   SCENE 12. MUSIC     40s MELODRAMA SOUND     [off] DOOR SLAMS OPEN, FEET RUNNING DOWN STAIRS TIMMY     [off]  Mom?  SOUND     FEET STOP FOR A SECOND, THEN COME ON RAPIDLY TIMMY     [panicky, coming on quickly] Mom!  Where'd it go? SOUND     FEET SLIDE ONTO KITCHEN TILES, THEN SKID TO A STOP TIMMY     I- I'm --  Whoops! TRUDY     [very amused] Timmy, you should join us for breakfast.  I would like you to meet...  [considers] Jack.  Jack [searching for a name] Box- Bocscome - Boscome.  Jack Boscome. TIMMY     Sorry to break in like this, sir.  Mom.  Um, pleased... to meet you? TRUDY     [almost laughing]  Well, shake his hand! TIMMY     [whispered] He's not moving - is he OK? TRUDY     [finally breaks down and laughs]  Jack here?  Why he's just peachy.  SOUND     SLAP ON THE BACK.  SFX     WEIRD MECHANICAL NOISES BEGIN.  VERY LOW TIMMY     What'd you do? TRUDY     I just - I must have pushed his switch or something. TIMMY     Oh!  He's--  Oh!  He sure looks ... real with a head and all. SFX     WHIRRING, ETC., GETS LOUDER, THEN OUT JACK     [very mechanical sounding]  I am unit X-14.  I am at your service. TRUDY     Well, he looks real, but he don't sound it. SOUND     [off] KNOCKING AT FRONT DOOR TRUDY     [sigh] That will be Mrs. MacGruder, about the vacuum cleaner.  Or the Chinese. TIMMY      What vacuum cleaner? Huh? JACK     Explain.  What is Chinese.  SOUND     RAPID FOOTSTEPS TIMMY     [fading out under] Oh, Chinese are folks who come from across the ocean and don't talk like us, and they cook good food... TRUDY     [calling back] Timmy, make sure and keep Jack in the kitchen.  I don't know WHAT Mrs. MacGruder would make of him. SOUND     DOOR.  UNLOCKING CHAIN AND BOLT.  DOOR OPENS MACGRUDER     So?  Did you -uh - manage to ... uh? TRUDY     It's just... Well, apparently it's Ken's idea of a joke. MACGRUDER     I thought you said he wouldn't-- TRUDY     It was all filled with random pieces of metal, and when I got to the bottom, there was a note from him.  Tsch.  He said it was supposed to be some sort of .... um, furnace... but it didn't even have all the pieces. MACGRUDER     [suspicious]  Why would he send such a darn fool thing?  Your furnace here is fine, isn't it?  I can always get Bob in to-- TRUDY     No, no!  Um, it was just that... the last time he bothered to stop by, we--we were living in a place with a dicey furnace. MACGRUDER     [after a long moment]  Man like that, you're better rid of him. TRUDY     I'll see about selling the bits for scrap or something.  MACGRUDER     Take your time - you can always burn the crate and the shavings.  [joking, going off]  Save on your furnace worries... TRUDY     [agreeing noise] SOUND     DOOR SHUTS QUICKLY BUT NOT QUITE SLAMMED TRUDY     Whew.  SOUND     HEAVY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH JACK     Explain.  What is a "Ken".   SCENE 13. MUSIC     SPACE AMBIANCE      SPACE SHIP MOCKAM     [sotto] We may need to reconsider the invasion plans. POCKAM     [sotto] I do not agree- MOCKAM     If these sorcerers can withstand our invasion-- POCKAM     I think the information unit is faulty. MOCKAM      That is impossible - the unit must tell the truth.  That is its function. POCKAM     It may not know the truth.  I say we wait until the other units have been retrieved.   SCENE 14. MUSIC     40s MELODRAMA SOUND      CLICK - MUSIC CUTS OUT SFX     TUNING IN RADIO JACK     Explain.  What is--? TIMMY     Shh.  Now this is a really good show.  Jake, Mack, and Frenchy are the B-9 detective agency.  And they're about to go head to head with the crime syndicate. SFX     MUSIC IN BACKGROUND - PARODY OF I LOVE A MYSTERY OPENER - SEE SCRIPT AT END SOUND      KNOCK ON DOOR TIMMY     Mom!  The door! JACK     Mom! SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON LINO, THEN WOOD.  TRUDY BRUSHES HER HANDS TOGETHER TRUDY     You two.  You should be doing your homework.  I let you put it off all weekend-- TIMMY     But the show!  Besides, Jack here'll help me with it, won't you Jack old boy? JACK     Explain.  What is homework. SOUND     KNOCK ON DOOR AGAIN TRUDY     Yeah.  A big help. SOUND     KNOB, DOOR OPENS A BIT TRUDY     Yes?  Oh!  Susan! SUSAN     Aha!  [chiding] You remember my name!  TRUDY     [realizing] Oh, no...  Last night...! SUSAN     Are you going to just keep me out here on the doorstep while I read you the riot act for standing me up?  You left me high and dry on a Saturday night, with two sailors and only one pair of feet! TRUDY     I-- [thinks] Let me take you to the corner coffee shop - to make it up. SUSAN     What?  Why? TRUDY     Um, Timmy isn't feeling well, so I really don't want to wake him. TIMMY     [off, sickly sounding]  Mommy? SUSAN     [mollified]  So that's it.  [sigh] You better stay.  TIMMY     [off, coughing]  SUSAN     Kids.  I love em, but I'm not sure I could keep em.  You gonna be in to work tomorrow? TRUDY     He's much better than he was.  Just needs rest. SUSAN     OK.  But next time - you could at least call!  See ya manyana! TRUDY     Bye!  [pause, whew] SOUND     DOOR SHUTS, QUICK FOOTSTEPS SFX     RADIO COMES ON - SCENE PLAYS IN THE B/G TRUDY     Thank you honey!  [hug noise] TIMMY     [boy hug reaction]  Moooom!  The shooow. JACK     Explain.  What is sick. TIMMY     Ssh! TRUDY     C'mon Jack, and I'll explain. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS SFX     RADIO RECEDES AGAIN SOUND     FEET ON LINO TRUDY     Have a seat? JACK     As you instruct. SOUND     SQUEAK OF CHAIR TRUDY     [chuckles] You look so darned human, I keep forgetting you're a machine. JACK     I am X-14, designated Jack Boscome. TRUDY     Glad you like the name. JACK     Explain.  What is Like. TRUDY     First sick.  Hmm.  Well, that's a toughee.  Humans, like machines, have lots of parts that all work together - and when one of the parts doesn't work right - like instead of breathing, you start coughing - that's what it means to be sick. JACK     Repair seems the obvious answer.  Explain.  TRUDY     Well, see you might be repairable - like if you broke a spring or something, you could just go in, take out the spring and put in a new one, but it doesn't work that way for living things - If one of our parts starts to break, it has to fix itself. JACK     Processing.  Corollary - Timmy is sick.  Which part is broken? TRUDY     [ashamed] Well, he's not really sick.  That was a lie.  My friend Susan keeps trying to fix me up with guys, and I -- well, I really just forgot, we were so caught up with having you working and all. JACK     Explain.  What is lie. TRUDY     [rueful] Oh, boy...   SCENE 15. MUSIC     SPACE AMBIANCE      SPACE SHIP MOCKAM     Three more units! POCKAM     Three?  Nonfunctional? MOCKAM     Worse - three more we could not retrieve effectively, so destruct function was activated. POCKAM     Only five still functional!  When is retrieval? MOCKAM      It is being done.    SCENE 16. MUSIC     40s MELODRAMA SOUND      POUNDING ON DOOR, FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENED QUICKLY TRUDY     [breathless] Yes?  Mrs. Mac-- MACGRUDER     [furious] Don't you Mrs. MacGruder me with that innocent look on your face, young lady! TRUDY     But--! I--! MACGRUDER     I know you have a man in here.  I've seen him through the window.  What kind of a place do you think I'm running here? And you with a child in the house! TRUDY     Oh, but he's-- JACK     [slightly off, sounding less robotic]  Trudy?  Is there a problem? TRUDY     [thinking fast] Mrs. MacGruder, this is Jack Boscome.  He's a-- a [moving closer, whispering]  He's a vet.  Battle fatigued.  Our office sent a memo around, asking for people willing to open their homes to these boys.  How could I say no? MACGRUDER     [much softened] But it's-- TRUDY     He stays in the living room.  On the couch.  He's really good with Timmy. TIMMY     [off]  Jack?  Hey, ask me that question again.  On my homework. TRUDY     See? JACK     [off] What is the capitol of Idaho? MACGRUDER     [resigned] You should have told me. TRUDY     I wanted to wait and see if it was going to work out first.  I didn't want anyone to make a fuss right away - he's still pretty nervous, you know? MACGRUDER     That's why he never leaves the house, eh? TRUDY     Yup.  MACGRUDER     All right.  All right.  No monkey shines, now! TRUDY     Cross my heart. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS TRUDY     Whew. JACK     [coming on, sounding just like a robot] Explain?  What is battle fatigue?  [then softening]  I should probably know.   SCENE 17. MUSIC     SPACE AMBIANCE      SPACE SHIP MOCKAM     They are all disabled.  All but the X-14 unit. POCKAM     All?  But we landed thirty-- MOCKAM     Apparently we both overestimated and underestimated the humans.  Twelve were rendered nonfunctional in assembly, six were completed and placed in government hands and had to be destructed, and eight were never even opened.  POCKAM     Records show these beings are much more curious and greedy than that.  Wait.  What of the other three? MOCKAM      [almost reluctant] They tried to resist retrieval and were destroyed.   SCENE 18. MUSIC     40s MELODRAMA SFX     SCENE 2 PLAYS ON RADIO IN B/G [following line about Death-O-tron] TIMMY     Man, I wish we had a Death-o-tron landship.  I wouldn't have to walk to school any more. JACK     But you are not afraid?  What if Tunis comes here.  His landship will crush this house. TIMMY     [exasperated sigh] Jack.  Tunis is just a story.  Did you really think all this stuff on the radio was true? JACK     Why would it not be true?  Explain. TIMMY      It's ... fun.  Like make believe.  Everyone makes stuff up - you mean you don't have stories where you come from? JACK     I don't know where I come from.  My memories begin when you assembled me.  TIMMY     Oh, hold on [listen to the final part of the scene, then as the announcer comes on].  That's kind of sad.  You're sort of just a kid, too.  [pause] But you learn real fast.   SCENE 19. MUSIC     SPACE AMBIANCE      SPACE SHIP MOCKAM     We must assume this data is correct. POCKAM     I would prefer a second opinion. MOCKAM     Of course, but we cannot take chances.  There is another planet in the Gargon Nebula whose dominant life form hasn't yet left the ground.  They should be easy to conquer and enslave. POCKAM     The Gargon Nebula is light years from here!  We should-- MOCKAM      We are under orders.  No unnecessary chances.   SCENE 20. MUSIC     40s MELODRAMA AMBIANCE     PARTY - SMALL CROWD.  RADIO MUSIC PLAYS IN THE B/G TRUDY     [whispered]  Just stick to the plan.  They all want to meet you.  You remember? JACK     I am unable to forget.  The plan is if the answer to a question is awkward, I ask them what they like on the radio and let them talk. TRUDY     Right.  Everybody here practically lives for one show or another.  You thought Timmy was stuck on his shows- wait until Mrs. MacGruder starts regaling you with the plot from "my fifth husband."  Just don't go thinking anything they say is real. JACK     Timmy explained-- SOUND     DOOR OPENS MACGRUDER     [coming on]  Trudy!  You look lovely.  And this must be-- JACK     Jack Boscome.  MACGRUDER     I hear you were in the army? JACK     I-- [uncomfortable beat, error noise] uh, uh, would rather talk about you.  Do you listen to the radio? MACGRUDER     [fading out] Oh, just occasionally... BRIEF MUSIC - TIME PASSES - SAME SCENE SUSAN     Oh-ho! TRUDY     What? SUSAN     Nothing.  Just Oh-ho.  Can't a girl Oh-ho a friend without someone thinking maybe she just put all the pieces together and realized why said friend is no longer interested in coming out on Saturday nights? TRUDY     Jack?  Oh, he's just-- SUSAN     Living in your house.  Where do I sign up? TRUDY     Oh, that reminds me - I told Mrs. MacGruder he was a vet, and the office set it up.  Don't let on, OK? SUSAN     Oh-ho! BRIEF MUSIC - TIME PASSES - SAME SCENE CHUTNEY     [coming on] You, boy! JACK     Me?  I am Jack-- CHUTNEY     We met earlier, remember? JACK     [almost mechanical sounding]  You are Colonel Chutney.  12th mobile.  Great War.  Medal of-- CHUTNEY     It isn't a test, my boy.  Don't try so hard.  [pause] I wanted you to know that there is someone here who understands your condition and what you've been through.  JACK     Explain? CHUTNEY     I've seen a number of cases - of course, we called it shell shock - but it's all the same thing.  If you ever need to talk to anyone, and don't want to disturb the ladies.  I'm just across the court. JACK     [more and more lost and confused] Talk? CHUTNEY     About your experiences in the war.  Battle fatigue is nothing to sneeze at-- JACK     Oh!  Yes.  Yes, sir. CHUTNEY     [chuckles, then insinuating]  What sort of action did you see? JACK     Sir?  Do you listen to the radio, sir? CHUTNEY     Oh, you can't trust the radio for intelligence.  Everything on it is either so covert no one would recognize it or outright fiction.  Were you with infantry? JACK     [almost panicking, getting more robotic] Sir?  I cannot answer that. CHUTNEY     You can't shock me, son.  JACK     [error noise, very bad] uh, uh, uh, I was slugged, and tortured.  Tied up while the water came in.  Flooded with gas.  [drawing from a radio episode from earlier] CHUTNEY     [shocked] P-O-W?  I am so sorry, my boy.  No wonder.  I won't ask you any more.  Just know that I'm always ready to listen.   SCENE 21. MUSIC     SPACE AMBIANCE      SPACE SHIP MOCKAM     What shall we do with this unit? POCKAM     X-14?  The only logical choice is to vaporize it.  Its memory cells are congested with data from this planet.  It is easier to assemble a new unit than to refresh this one.   SCENE 22. MUSIC     40s MELODRAMA AMBIANCE     OUTSIDE, NIGHT SFX     SOMEWHERE A RADIO PLAYS ROMANTIC MUSIC SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL TRUDY     You were marvelous.  I was so worried when Colonel Chutney buttonholed you like that. JACK     [almost teasing]  Explain.  What is buttonholed? TRUDY     [chuckles fondly]  Only three weeks, and you sound like any other guy.  And you look so real.  I-- It's nice having a man around the house, you know.  Timmy loves you, and the way you fixed the furnace! JACK     Machines make sense.  Humans are confusing.  TRUDY     Don't I know it!  I- I confuse myself sometimes. JACK     Explain? TRUDY     I can't.  Some things are just inexplicable.  Like ... love. JACK     Explain? TRUDY     I- well... Love is a lot like "like".  Just stronger. JACK     A feeling of attachment and a desire to be near the object of the feeling? TRUDY     More or less.  JACK     As an example, you love Timmy? TRUDY     Yes! JACK     And Timmy loves-- Jake, Mack and Frenchy. TRUDY     [chuckling]  Yes. JACK     Do you think love can be learned? TRUDY     I-- Well, I really don't know. JACK     If this is a topic you do not wish to discuss, we can talk about radio shows. TRUDY     [laughing] No.  It's just a topic that no one finds easy to discuss. JACK      I would like to learn more. MOCKAM     [on filter]  Unit X-14!  Unit X-14!  Prepare for imminent retrieval. JACK     Did you hear that? TRUDY     What? JACK     [sigh, starting to sound more and more robotic] I am a robot. TRUDY     I know, but somehow it doesn't matter. JACK     I may come to understand feelings such as love, but I cannot feel them. TRUDY     You once said you could never lie, and look how that turned out. JACK     I have completed my time with you.  [error noise]  uh, uh, uh, uh, I have no feelings for this world or its inhabitants.  Uh, uh, I will fulfill my mission. TRUDY     Jack, what's wrong? SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL, AWAY TRUDY     Jack!   SCENE 23. MUSIC     SPACE AMBIANCE      SPACE SHIP JACK     [very robotic]  I am capable of further use. POCKAM     What?  Did you speak out of turn, X-14? JACK     Destroying me-- this unit would be a waste of resources.  Logic dictates utilizing all capabilities. POCKAM     What did they teach this thing down there?  no wonder three units had the self-motivation to destruct themselves. MOCKAM     The unit cites logic.  Let it continue. JACK     This unit has assimilated enough to remain out of the hands of government entities, and to blend into society on the planet below.  MOCKAM     True. JACK     Continued data gathering is always of use. MOCKAM     One unit is not enough to gather all the data we would need for a full scale attack - not in our projected time frame. JACK     If you go to the Gargon Nebula, this unit can continue to gather information for your return. MOCKAM     It might work, at that.  POCKAM     But it will be forty of this planet's years before we would return from the Gargon Nebula!   SCENE 24. MUSIC     40s MELODRAMA TRUDY     [sigh] No, Colonel.  He had a -- a bad relapse and had to -- go back to the hospital. CHUTNEY     [on phone] Too bad.  Good boy, that.  When he comes back... well, a divorcee like yourself could do a lot worse. TRUDY     [trying not to cry]  I-- I know.  I have to go, Colonel, there's someone at the door. SOUND     AS IF ON CUE, KNOCK ON DOOR SOUND     PHONE HANGS UP SOUND      RUNNING FEET, DOOR FLUNG OPEN TIMMY       [off, yelling, happy and excited] Hey mom!  It's a big wooden box! TRUDY     [excited gasp] Huh? END **************************************************** RADIO SCENE 1 ANNOUNCER     --in the underground caves beneath the tiny mining town. MUSIC STING JAKE     Look, Mack!  It's Frenchy! FRENCHY     Ooooh. MAC     Well, dip me in honey and roll me in a haystack!  He's been slugged! FRENCHY     [bad french accent] Jake?  They took the scrimshaw!  I couldn't stop them! JAKE     I know, Frenchy.  Mack, Check that door - see if it's clear.  We'll have to leave Frenchy someplace safe while we go after the Syndicate boys.  If they find him, he'll be tortured, or worse. SOUND     SHAKING LOCKED DOOR MACK     Well boil me fer a rutabaga sandwich, the door won't open! JAKE     What's that noise? MACK      Sounds like someone went and left a faucet running. FRENCHY     Jake!  The floor!  It is water! JAKE     So that's the plan, is it - they'll drown us here like rats! MUSIC STING **************************************************** RADIO SCENE 2 SNAP HARPER     As long as we have breath, he won't rule the world.  Are you with me Amanda? AMANDA COOL     Anything you say, Snap! SNAP HARPER     If we can just get to the central coolant chamber of his death-o-tron landship, Amanda, I think we might be able to-- TUNIS     [on filter] To -- what?  Go on Snap Harper, I am -- powerfully interested. AMANDA COOL     Tunis the Unstoppable!  Snap!  He's found us, but how? SNAP HARPER     He must have listening devices planted in these service crawlspaces.  Blast Tunis's cleverness! TUNIS     I would return the compliment, Snap Harper, but it would be pointless. AMANDA COOL     Oh, Snap! TUNIS     For you are about to die!  Flood the room with gas! MUSIC STING ANNOUNCER     After just a short word from our sponsor, Tunis the Unstopppable will outline his cunning plan for doing in Snap Harper.  But first-- --END--  

In a future ravaged by atomic war, a girl growing up on a farm realizes she has something special. TW:  tense scenes that could (but don't) turn into sexual assault.

[Transcript below] Adapted by Julie Hoverson from the short story by H.P. Lovecraft and Kenneth Sterling When Kenton Stanfield takes a job on Venus hunting for power crystals, he finds the hazards of the job too much to handle.  Cast List Kenton Stanfield - Reynaud LeBoeuf Frederick Dwight - Cole Hornaday Marshall Miller - Pat McNally Dana Manners - Julie Hoverson Supply Clerk - Marge Lutton Recorder - Beverly Poole Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Recorded in Conjunction with ART (American Radio Theater) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Photo:  Julie Hoverson  "What kind of a place is it? Would you believe it's a mining colony on the steamy jungle planet we call Venus?" ___________________________________________________________________ Within the walls of Eryx  Adapted by Julie Hoverson from the original story by H.P. Lovecraft and Kenneth Sterling. This was the second story I ever tried to adapt - the first one I did as an audio drama.  I had previously adapted The Thing on the Doorstep into a short film script - which I much later rewrote into an audio drama, and that will come up when it comes up.  This one was also one of the original ten episodes I put together for the series. You can see, I was starting with an easy writer to adapt.... H.P. Lovecraft.  HAH! Since then, I have actually adapted a LOT of Lovecraft, and one of the reasons his writing is so hard to translate into other mediums is that much of his genius is in his actual use of words, and unless you quote his long descriptive passages word for word, you lose that.  And if you do quote large chunks of it, you might as well just make an audio book.  I try and walk a fine line. As an aside - I know the title of the story is actually "IN the Walls of Eryx", but that always bothered me as being incorrect - the RATS are IN the walls (in the story The Rats in the Walls).  These guys are WITHIN the walls - between the actual walls, you know? In the Walls of Eryx was one of HPL's many collaborations and rewrites.  Little is known of Kenneth Sterling, the high school student and aspiring writer who sought Lovecraft's help, but he was clearly a sci fi fan - Eryx is unusual among Lovecraft's works as being a pure scifi story, with very little horror or mythos or mythical background to it, even if Lovecraft is generally credited with a complete rewrite and expansion of Kenneth's original idea. In the 1930s, when this was written, a common sci fi trope was that Venus was a steamy jungle planet, often populated by some lizardy species, and it appears as such in this story.  The other details are fairly unique to Eryx. Since the original story was all one man's report, technically written out, I had to pull scenes from his story and create them, and the characters in them, from whole cloth.  Not to mention adding somebody - "Miss Manners" - he could report in to throughout the story, to add some audio texture when Kenton was technically out on his own, as well as the voice for his "recorder" unit, which also functions as a sort of encyclopedia, and helps break up the heavy data dump of "this is how Venus works".  Perhaps the weirdest thing to try and portray in audio is the very "visual" presence - or absence - of the walls themselves.  A maze of invisible walls.  Or the native Venusians - whose weird cries were originally geese, if I remember correctly.  I think I slowed them down and ran them backward, or something like that. I also chose to tell this story vastly out of order, to give a sense of foreboding from the very start, as the audience hears how bad Kenton is doing, winding down, but still without giving away how it will ultimately end.  To make the time shifts clear, since they happen throughout the story, I created three different background ambiances for his log entries - since they have no other point of reference - each with his breather machinery getting a bit clunkier and running down.  Beyond that, everything rested heavily on Reynaud LeBeouf, the actor playing Kenton, to create the stages of the character's downward spiral.  We did record each set of scenes separately, out of order, essentially, so all the chatty beginnings were all at once and the weak and wearied end at the end.  Rey is one of my core group of go-to actors, and you'll hear him a lot in 19 Nocturne Boulevard. This was also recorded with the help of A-R-T - American Radio Theater - and many of the actors in it were part of that group.  A-R-T is a group of old time radio enthusiasts who focused on re-creating old episodes and working on the occasional newer play.  Having been part of the group for years before I began 19 Nocturne Boulevard, I featured various actors from A-R-T in a number of my episodes. _______________________________________________________________ WITHIN THE WALLS OF ERYX Cast: Kenton J. Stanfield (M/25), space prospector Frederick N. Dwight (M/30), space prospector Marshall Miller (M/40), commander Dana Manners (F/30), contact at control Supply Clerk (any) Recorder, mechanical voice (any)   OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Would you believe, it's a mining camp on the steamy jungle planet we call Venus?  NOTE:     "AMBIANCE" CUES ARE FOR BACKGROUND SOUNDS THAT CONTINUE THROUGHOUT EACH SCENE.  THEY ARE DETAILED AT THE END OF THE SCRIPT MUSIC SCENE 1.     KENTON'S LOG AMBIANCE     LOG 5 KENTON     [filter, weak]  Venus month 6, day 14, nighttime.  Kenton J. Stanfield.  Perhaps my final report.  [rasping bark of almost laughter]  My fifth whole day.  Canteen went dry at noon.  Food tablets not dangerously low... yet.  Chlorate cubes are my real worry.  I feel...weak from my forced economy in oxygen, and from my constantly mounting thirst. MUSIC   SCENE 2.     MINING BASE SOUND     TWO MEN WALK IN A FACILITY KENTON     [hale & hearty]  You're still using Carter oxygen units?  But they're so darn heavy! MILLER     Budget's god around here, kid.  You'll see.  We're not funded like the government. KENTON     A Dubois mask isn't that much more, and does the job at half the weight.  Saves on chlorate cubes, too. MILLER     Just figure how much "not much more" IS when multiplied by over a hundred prospectors.  If you last up here, you can always get yourself a Dubois.  [chuckles]  Once you start making the big bucks. KENTON     The way you say that... MILLER     Oh, it happens.  Just not that often. MUSIC   SCENE 3.     KENTON'S LOG AMBIANCE     LOG 5 KENTON     [filter, weak]  I do not know the time.  It is dark.  There is something damnable... something uncanny... about this labyrinth. I could swear that I had eliminated certain turns through charting, and yet each new trial belies some assumption I had thought established.  Never before did I realize how lost we are without visual landmarks.  MUSIC   SCENE 4.     JUNGLE SOUND     SLIGHT, RHYTHMIC BEEPING CONTINUES UNDER ENTIRE SCENE [crystal detector] SOUND     [FILTER] CRACKLE OF RADIO INTERFERENCE INTERMITTENT THROUGHOUT. DANA     [filter]  Hey greenhorn!  This is your contact, Dana Manners, speaking.  [chuckle]  That's Miss Manners, to you.  You got me for a glorious half hour. KENTON     What?  Why only--? DANA     [filter]  Don't none of you boys ever crack a manual?  [quoting]  "The company's only rebroadcast orbiter is a" - well, it's a dang fast critter - so it "provides a window for one half hour approximately every six hours for each sector."  And that's your first five minutes.  Care to waste some more, or you plan to make some kinda report? KENTON     [chuckling]  Sorry!  OK, my coordinates-- SOUND     different beeping [pocket recorder] DANA     [filter]  Good-Ness.  Did you bring your blankie, too?  All that boring info is sent up automatic-like.  KENTON     [worried]  But... my log, too? DANA     [filter]  [pause, prolonging the agony]  Nah, takes too much juice.  This way, you get to edit out all your little personal comments and naughty little secrets before handing it over for archiving. KENTON     [relieved]  Oh.  Good.  DANA     [filter]  So you one of those boys who grew up just panting to work on Venus? KENTON     Actually, I wanted to be a writer.  Venus just pays better.  Now it seems like I-- DANA     [filter]  --got hustled out of the base the minute your feet touched the sweet soggy ground?  Y'ain't the first.  "Here's your mask, grab your suit, what's yer hurry?" KENTON     Pretty much. MUSIC   SCENE 5.     KENTON'S LOG AMBIANCE     LOG 5 KENTON     [filter, weak]  ...Continued.  The effect of all these fr-fruitless wanderings is one of profound discouragement.  I can understand how poor Dwight must have felt.  His corpse is now just a skeleton, and the sificlighs and farnoth-flies are gone.   MUSIC     SCENE 6.     MINING BASE AMB          CANTEEN, EATING MILLER     It's all about the crystals, kid.  You read the manual? KENTON     Well... MILLER     You had an entire rocket trip and--? KENTON     [sheepish]  Well...  There was this poker game-- MILLER     [oh lord!]  Save me from greenhorns with less sense than kittens!  That book could have saved your life, you know.  KENTON     Well, I figured there'd be time-- MILLER     There's never enough time.  Men who can withstand the strains of crystal hunting here on Venus are few and far between.  Most - like yourself - last no more than three trips.  KENTON     What makes you think--? MILLER     Prove me wrong. DWIGHT     [off mike]  Hey!  Miller! MILLER     See that?  Now there's a guy who knows his beans. DWIGHT     [coming closer, gloating]  Miller!  Read it and weep! SOUND     paper FLOURISH. DWIGHT     Twenty-three carats! MILLER     Twenty-three?  That's-- DWIGHT     Right there in black and white.  Beat that! MILLER     [to Kenton]  Kenton, this is Dwight - Fred Dwight, one of the brightest stars of the Terra Nova Corp.  DWIGHT     The brightest star.  Ken, is it?  Well, Ken, there ain't no one else out there's netted as many total lifetime karats as me.  Over seven hundred.  KENTON     Oh.  Um, I don't-- MILLER     Kid skipped the manual. DWIGHT     Pfah.  OK, it takes about 20 karats to power, say the entire city of Chicago for a year.  Shoot, by my calculations, I've kept the entire eastern seaboard lit for the last five! MUSIC   SCENE 7.     KENTON'S LOG AMBIANCE     LOG 4 KENTON     [filter, tired]  Nightfall.  There is nothing to do but persevere.  Dwight would have got out if he had kept on a minute longer.  It is just possible that somebody from Terra Nova will come looking for me before long, although this is only my fourth day out.  MUSIC   SCENE 8.     SUPPLY OFFICE SOUND          OBJECTS BEING BROUGHT OUT AND SET DOWN SUPPLY CLERK     Suit fit OK?  Last chance. KENTON     Feels fine. MILLER     With the tropical atmosphere out there, you better be sure - five days is a long damn time to chafe. KENTON     [chuckles]  I understand.  I'm sure.  So my tour is five days? MILLER     To start with.  You remember Dwight?  Now there's a long-hauler.  Does about 2 months - earth months, 60 days - on most trips.  SUPPLY CLERK     Food tablets.  One week. SOUND     BOX being set down. MILLER     But then, he's been Cytherean for over a decade.  KENTON     Cytherean?  MILLER     Means "of Venus" to us long-timers.  We feel "Venusian" sounds too damn silly after all the crummy movies. SUPPLY CLERK     Breathing unit. SOUND     larger box KENTON     Cytherean.  Got it. MILLER     Dwight's practically one of the locals.  You seen them yet? SUPPLY CLERK     Chlorate cubes.  One week. SOUND     another box KENTON     Only pictures - now THAT part of the manual I did look over.  [shudder]  Creepy little buggers, aren't they? MILLER     Little?  Ken, Ken, Ken.  [sigh]  You didn't look hard enough - on average, the lizard-men run seven feet tall! KENTON     Holy--! SUPPLY CLERK     Recording unit. SOUND     box MILLER     Don't worry too much.  They're-- well, they're not harmless, not by a long chalk, but they're... manageable. KENTON     So those...tentacles they've got for arms...? SUPPLY CLERK     Crystal detector. SOUND     box. MILLER     Arms, legs, tongue, who knows what they are - Yup, four or five feet long on some of them.  We call them lizard-men, what with the greenish, scaly skin and all, but they're not really like anything back home. KENTON     [awe]  Seven feet tall... SUPPLY CLERK     Flame pistol.  Fully charged. SOUND     box. MUSIC   SCENE 9.     KENTON'S LOG AMBIANCE     LOG 4 KENTON     [filter, tired]  Four days out.  I think.  I am resolved not to hasten matters as Dwight did.  His grinning skull has just turned toward me, shifting by the groping of one of the scavengers that are picking him over.  The ghoulish stare of its empty eye-sockets is worse than the tentacled onlookers that stand gloating around the invisible barrier laughing at me.  Another day and I shall go mad, if I do not drop dead from exhaustion. MUSIC   SCENE 10.     JUNGLE SOUND     strong, rhythmic beeping THROUGHOUT SCENE [crystal detector] KENTON     You still there, Miss Manners? DANA     [filter, very crackly throughout]  Just another coupla minutes.  What's your beef? KENTON     I've got a reading on my crystal detector - looks like a big one.  DANA     [filter]  Them things ain't reliable for size, just direction.  Could be just an itty bitty one, real nearby. KENTON     Well, what's the terrain like due, um... SOUND     beeping gets slower, then picks up again AS HE TURNS KENTON     North, I think, of my current position? DANA     [filter]  North?  [prolonged crackle]  --Erycinian highlands--  [crackle]  --last known position of-- SOUND     crackling.  CLICK - radio turned off. KENTON     Great.  On my own again.  Recorder? RECORDER     [filter, mechanical voice]  Ready. KENTON     Erycinian highlands? RECORDER     [filter]  A plateau mapped by Matsugawa from the air fifty years ago.  Designated 'Eryx'  One of the few areas of any size on Venus noted for a lack of vegetation-- KENTON     Off.  Lack of vegetation?  That'll be a relief.  Anything to get out of those rubbery creepers and overhanging fronds. MUSIC   SCENE 11.     KENTON'S LOG AMBIANCE     LOG 3 KENTON     [filter, normal]  Month 6, Day 12, my third day out.  Afternoon.  In less than an hour, I saw that the jungle growths were thinning out, and by five o'clock - after passing through a belt of tree-ferns with very little underbrush - I emerged on a broad plateau.  My progress now became rapid, and I saw by the wavering of my detector-needle that I was getting closer to the crystal I sought.  MUSIC   SCENE 12.     KENTON'S LOG AMBIANCE     BAR - MAINLY MALE VOICES MILLER     Some brainy types insist they're intelligent.  DWIGHT     The lizzies?  [dismissive]  Screwballs. KENTON     Well, they build cities-- DWIGHT     Anthills.  Beehives.  And we don't try to make treaties with bugs, do we?  Hmm? KENTON     But they talk... don't they? MILLER     That's been debated for years.  There seems to be some pattern to the tentacle movements-- DWIGHT     Yeah, and bees dance.  I've been out there longer than just about anyone, and they're nothing but a damn nuisance. MILLER     A religious nuisance. DWIGHT     So they worship the crystals.  Big deal.  They can't use 'em - don't even know they do anything more'n glow.  If we wanna change things, we got about two real choices-- MILLER     [ironic]  Try and civilize them, like we did with everyone back home? DWIGHT     Nah - they're way too primitive for that.  I say we either gotta cage 'em up like the animals they are-- MILLER     We've tried THAT one before, too. DWIGHT     Or we can just blow em all away.  Why not?  They're not decorative, useful, or even edible.  They don't do ANYTHING worth keeping 'em around. MUSIC   SCENE 13.     KENTON'S LOG AMBIANCE     LOG 4 KENTON     [filter, tired]  Note to self.  Um, day - fourth.  Fourth day.  I racked my brains with speculations regarding the material, origin, and purpose of the strange edifice.  That the hands of men might have reared it, I could not for a moment believe.  Human knowledge does not include any perfectly transparent, non-reflective solid such as the substance of this building.  Did a forgotten race of highly-evolved beings precede the man-lizards as masters of Venus?  The strange and seemingly non-practical building and its material suggests a religious purpose. MUSIC   SCENE 14.     PLATEAU SOUND     RADIO STATIC KENTON     Contact?  You back yet?  Manners?  Damn. SOUND     crackling static.  radio CLICKS off KENTON     This is just... nuts!  SOUND     two thunks - pounding on stone wall KENTON     What the heck is this stuff? SOUND     pounding, hand groping along wall KENTON     Hmm.  Smooth.  Cool to the-- SOUND     RADIO STATIC DANA     [filter]  Contact here.  Report? KENTON     Have I got a report for you!  I found an invisible wall! MUSIC   SCENE 15.     KENTON'S LOG AMBIANCE     LOG 5 KENTON     [filter, weak]  Fifth day out, and I doubt I will see a sixth.  Very weak.  Did not sleep much till daylight.  Must save chlorate cubes, so I'm nearly suffocating for lack of oxygen.  Can't walk much of the time, but ma-manage a crawl.  Those damnable green things keep staring and laughing with their tentacles, and sometimes they gesticulate in a way that makes me think they share some terrible joke, just beyond my perception. MUSIC   SCENE 16.     PLATEAU DANA     [filter]  Listen to me real careful now, Ken.  You need to close your eyes and start backing up.  Right this minute. KENTON     What?  My recorder unit lists nothing about invisible walls-- DANA     [filter]  You backing up yet?  Ignore anything you see or hear-- KENTON     Why, for crying out loud? DANA     [filter]  Get yourself clear first, then check your recorder's entry for mirage-plants.  Move your backside!  Them things're deadly. KENTON     Wait.  No...  Wait a minute.  I'm in the middle of the plains of Eryx.  No plants within a half mile.  Nothing to see but mud, and-- [cuts himself off] SOUND     BEEPING [crystal detector] DANA     [filter]  [beat]  Yeah?  Mud and ...? KENTON     [evasive]  Hmm?  Oh, the walls.  But you can't SEE them because they're invisible. MUSIC   SCENE 17.     KENTON'S LOG AMBIANCE     LOG 3 KENTON     [filter]  Third day, supplemental.  What made my heart leap was a smaller detail, whose position could not have been far from the plain's exact centre.  It was a single point of light, blazing through the mist and seeming to draw a piercing, concentrated luminescence from the yellowish, vapor-dulled sunbeams.  This, without doubt, was the crystal I sought.  I could hardly wonder, as I glimpsed the distant glow, that those miserable man-lizards worship them. MUSIC   SCENE 18.     PLATEAU SOUND     squishy footsteps, intermittent throughout KENTON     --maybe 20 feet tall - I managed to throw a handful of mud about that high, and it went over. DANA     [filter]  I ain't got any maps or archives with specifics for that locale.  Not a popular spot, seeing as there's none of the streams them crystals show up in. KENTON     No streams, but plenty of damp - the whole plateau is-- [slight shudder] --like a solid sheet of slimy mud, with a light frosting of ground mist.  DANA     [filter]  Could this wall thing be some kinda natural phenomena? KENTON     Too smooth.  Very regular.  Slightly curved, too, I think.  Ovoid. DANA     [filter]  You writers and your big ole words...  Been all the way round yet? KENTON     I don't think so, but I can't really tell-- DANA     [filter]  [condescending]  Well, did you hit your own dainty little footsteps again? KENTON     Not a chance.  The mud is so liquid, it just doesn't take - not even for a minute.  It's like I haven't been here before. DANA     [filter]  I need you to mark your position and come back to base, Ken.  This is way outside standard procedure.  You hear me? KENTON     Got it.  I'll get out of here pretty soon.  I just wanted to--  SOUND     BEEPING [crystal detector] SPEEDS UP SLIGHTLY.  THEN IS MUFFLED. KENTON     --to get all the way round, just once.  DANA     [filter]  Honey, I'll be flat out of range in two shakes.  I don't want to worry you none, but if anything happens out there, it could be days before help'll arrive. KENTON     Days?  But a lander would only‑‑ DANA     [filter]  Manpower and money, old son.  Base only has a dozen resident staff, and none of us is jungle-worthy.  We gotta wait for some of you roughnecks to wander on home, THEN the company has to pay fer their time fer a rescue.  Why d'you think they load you up with plenty of ammo?  Much cheaper.  KENTON     It's a wonder they bother. DANA     [filter]  [serious]  And death benefits.  KENTON     What? DANA     [filter]  They're cheaper, too. MUSIC   SCENE 19.     KENTON'S LOG AMBIANCE     LOG 5 KENTON     [filter, weak]  Horror and despair. Baffled again!  I had been deceived once more, and was apparently back where I had been on my first futile attempt to leave the labyrinth.  Whether I screamed aloud I do not know - perhaps I was too weak to utter a sound.  I merely lay dazed in the mud for a long period, while the greenish things outside leaped and laughed and gestured.   MUSIC   SCENE 20.     MINING BASE KENTON     Isn't this a lot of ammo?  I mean, seven clips-- DWIGHT     One a day - that's pretty average.  Save 'em for the trip home.  The lizzies don't usually try much right away - that is, until you got one of their precious crystals.  The worst you can expect before you make a find is pot-shots with blow-gun darts. KENTON     Blow-guns?  That's it? DWIGHT     Don't scoff.  One of those darts'll slice through your suit like butter.  All it needs to do is nick you and the local germs do the rest - if the insects don't get you first.  [beat]  If you don't get back to base in time...  Well, you noticed the bartender's hand? KENTON     [gulps]  The hook? DWIGHT     Um-hmm. MUSIC   SCENE 21.     KENTON'S LOG AMBIANCE     LOG 3 KENTON     [filter, normal]  Late afternoon, third day.  I have said that even from a great distance the shining object's position seems indefinably queer - a slight mound rising from the slime and mist.  Now - at about a hundred yards - I could see plainly just what that mound was.  It was the body of a man in one of the Company's protective suits, lying on his back, with his oxygen mask half buried in the mud a few inches away.  In his right hand, crushed convulsively against his chest, was the crystal which had led me here - a spheroid of incredible size, so large that the dead fingers could scarcely close over it.  I wondered who the man was. MUSIC   SCENE 22.     PLATEAU KENTON     Holy cow!  SOUND     THUMP ON WALL KENTON     Dwight?  SOUND     THUMPING ON WALL, HURRIED SPLISHING FOOTSTEPS KENTON     Oh, jeez. [SOUND: THUMP]  But the walls-- [SOUND: THUMP]  How could he--  [gasps]  Woah! SOUND     splash in the watery mud as he finds a gap. MUSIC   SCENE 23.     KENTON'S LOG AMBIANCE     LOG 3 KENTON     [filter, normal]  There was an opening about three feet wide.  Without a moment's hesitation I stepped through and advanced two paces to the prostrate body - which lay in what seemed to be an intersecting doorless corridor.  It gave me a fresh curiosity to find that the interior of this vast enclosure was divided by partitions... MUSIC   SCENE 24.     BAR SOUND     TIN CUP SET DOWN DWIGHT     [a bit drunk]  I hope I die out there.  SOUND     LIQUID POURS KENTON     You want to die? DWIGHT     No - don't WANT to, just that when I do, I hope it's out there.  In the jungle.  The scavengers'll strip me clean in a coupla hours and no one'll ever know what happened. MILLER     Just make sure you're dead first.  Some of them bugs don't wait. KENTON     Will they really--? MILLER     That's why the suits are made the way they are - like cellophane, but thicker.  No weave, no tiny holes for bugs to get in through. KENTON     But the suit doesn't cover everything--? DWIGHT     Ah, they don't like the breather.  Smells bad or something.  So your head is pretty safe... as long as you don't take it off. MUSIC   SCENE 25.     KENTON'S LOG AMBIANCE     LOG 3 KENTON     [filter, normal]  Looking about for some possible cause of death, my eyes lit upon the oxygen mask lying close to the body's feet.  Probably carelessly buckled, so the weight of the tubes worked the straps loose - wouldn't've happened with a Dubois sponge-reservoir mask.   MUSIC   SCENE 26.     PLATEAU KENTON     Well, Dwight, old buddy, you got your wish.  At least this baby won't go to waste.  [grunts]  Let go!  [grunts again]  Aha!  SOUND     a couple of squish-steps KENTON     Waitaminute.  Wait...  Rigor mortis, it... it doesn't last...  Manners, you there?  SOUND     crackle of radio KENTON     Recorder? RECORDER     Ready. KENTON     Rigor mortis. RECORDER     A condition of deceased flesh.  A spasming of muscles-- KENTON     How long does it last? SOUND     rustling, slapping noises far in background RECORDER     Rigor begins 3-7 hours after termination of life, and lasts approximately 12 hours. KENTON     Off.  Holy--!  Dwight... SOUND     rustling, slapping noises build KENTON     What in sam hill--?  [what the heck?] MUSIC   SCENE 27.     KENTON'S LOG AMBIANCE     LOG 3 KENTON     [filter, normal]  It was a group of a dozen or so of those detestable man-lizards emerging from the forest far off across the plain.  When they drew nearer they seemed less truly reptilian - only the flat head and the green, slimy, frog-like skin carrying out the idea.  They walked erect on odd, thick stumps, which made curious noises in the mud.  The motions of their tentacles - if the theories are right - indicated that the things were in animated conversation. MUSIC   SCENE 28.     PLATEAU DANA     [filter]  You asleep? KENTON     [bummed]  Would it matter? DANA     [filter]  You sound real down.  Tell mama Manners all about it.  You may not have a lot of time, though, there's some sunspot activity predicted for tonight, so I may have to miss a date or two-- but you can forgive a girl for that, can't you? KENTON     I--  I'm lost. DANA     [filter]  Nonsense.  You're nowhere near uncharted territory.  Just punch into the recorder-- KENTON     Oh, I know exactly where I am.  But I'm still lost. DANA     [filter, half joking]  Is this where I start telling you to back away quickly?  KENTON     The invisible wall?  Well, it's more like-- DANA     [filter]  Like what?  An invisible barn? KENTON     --An invisible ...maze.  I can see the entire plain from here, the trees are at the edges, the sky above, but I can't... get... out. DANA     [filter]  Have you tried taking every left fork?  That usually-- KENTON     There's something else.  I-- There's a crowd of the lizard-men just waiting at the entrance - ready to jump me if I manage to escape. DANA     [filter]  Two things-- KENTON     I need some help-- DANA     [filter, sadly]  Ain't gonna happen.  [crackle]  Not for a couple days.  Sunspots play havoc with landing vehicles, same as communications. KENTON     So I just-- DANA     [filter]  Listen to me Ken.  You've never tried shooting one of them things, have ya?  The flame guns are particularly nasty.  Them critters go up like oily rags.  Once you get one or two of 'em, the others'll head for the hills.  They don't really wanna fight-- DWIGHT     [filter, distant and echoey]  That is, until you got one of the precious crystals. KENTON     Oh.  [resolved]  No. DANA     [filter]  No?  No what? KENTON     I'm not giving it up. DANA     [filter]  That's the spirit, Ken.  Long as you're in a safe place, just sit tight, and we'll get a rescue party in, soon as possible. KENTON     [considering]  You mean other prospectors, right? DANA     [filter]  Yep.  KENTON     Maybe I will be out of here by then... MUSIC   SCENE 29.     KENTON'S LOG AMBIANCE     LOG 4 KENTON     [filter, tired]  Fourth day.  Shortly after dawn.  The alluring crystal, the body of the man who seized it before me - these have acquired a dark and threatening meaning.  Dwight was a victim, too.  He must have been trapped some time ago, and failed to find his way out.  His mask probably didn't slip accidentally.  Rather than face a lingering death he solved the issue by letting the lethal atmosphere do its work.  The horrible irony of his fate lay in his position - only a few feet from the exit he failed to find.  And now I'm as trapped as he'd been.  MUSIC   SCENE 30.     plateau KENTON     [tired, but not quite exhausted - yet] Recorder. RECORDER     [filter]  Ready. KENTON     Location - central chamber.  Describe? RECORDER     [filter]  Round chamber.  Six irregularly spaced egresses. KENTON     Progress? RECORDER     [filter]  You have 27 times attempted the exit you designated "door in line with corpse and tree". KENTON     Yeah, well...  Then I realized three of the doors all line up that way.  There's just not enough difference in perspective. RECORDER     [filter]  You have recorded 43 trips out of the central chamber.  KENTON     I know.  With no way to mark anything, I can't tell which door is which. RECORDER     [filter]  You have attempted to score the wall with your knife, and with your flame pistol.  You have tried to make a mark in ink, and smear it with mud.  You have reported no success. KENTON     Picking a damn door at random would do me more good. RECORDER     [filter]  Correlating the turns you have thus far recorded, a random choice would give you odds of 1 in-- KENTON     Off. MUSIC   SCENE 31.     KENTON'S LOG AMBIANCE     LOG 5 KENTON     [filter, weak]  This, then, is the end.  Three days, taking me nowhere.  My strength is gone.  It was no common series of mischances which made me lose my way in this roofless, unseen tangle of corridors.  Far from it.  Beyond doubt, the place is a genuine maze - a labyrinth - a trap set to catch humans.  MUSIC   SCENE 32.     PLATEAU KENTON     [weak, not on filter]  Hiya Dwight.  Hey, buddy. SOUND     weak pounding on wall, splishes of vague movement in the mud. KENTON     You got it all over me.  You almost made it, old pal.  Almost... SOUND     RUSTLING AND SPLISHING [Kenton takes out his recorder] KENTON     Recorder on. RECORDER     [filter]  Ready. SOUND     ALIEN NOISES GET LOUDER. KENTON     [weak]  I have just taken the great crystal out of my pouch to look at in my last moments.  It shines fiercely and menacingly in the red rays of the dying day.  The leaping horde have noticed it, and their g-gestures have changed in a way I cannot understand.  I am ... growing ... numb.   SOUND     ONE LAST LABORED EXHALE, MACHINE SLOWS, THEN A MOMENT OF SILENCE. MUSIC   SCENE 33.     GENERAL QUARTERS [NOTE:       Miller is dictating, not playing back, so he is NOT on a filter] MILLER     Operative A-49, Kenton J. Stanfield left Terra Nova early on six-twelve, for a short-term trip.  Due back 13th or 14th.  Did not appear by evening of 15th.  Followed last reported location to Erycinian Highland.  Brought plane down nearby and corner of the wing crashed on unseen obstruction.  Approaching on foot, we came up short against a smooth, invisible barrier.  Located skeleton of Operative B-9, Frederick N. Dwight of Koenig's division, and aforementioned deceased, Stanfield.  We had great difficulty in getting to Stanfield, but finally succeeded.  We shall bury Dwight and Stanfield in the company graveyard, and ship the crystal on the next-- SOUND     beep [phone].  MILLER     Off. SOUND     phone picked up. MILLER     Miller. DANA     [filter]  I heard-- MILLER     Yeah. DANA     [filter]  And I'm real sorry.  Boy seemed real nice-- MILLER     He was.  Keep it under your hat, but I think this is the last straw. DANA     [filter]  Last straw? MILLER     [sigh]  I have been warned.  The next rocket'll be carrying marines. DANA     [filter]  [shocked]  Oh.  Well.  I AM sorry. MILLER     Yeah. SOUND     HANGS up PHONE.  MILLER      Recorder on. SOUND     CLICK. RECORDER     [filter] Ready. MILLER     [sigh]  Personal note.  I am impressed not only with the irony of Dwight's fate, but with that of Stanfield as well.  We found a doorway some fifteen feet past Dwight.  Beyond this was a hall and ... oh, hell... Stanfield could have reached the outside by walking twenty-two feet if he had just found the opening directly behind him. MUSIC END

In a future ravaged by atomic war, a girl growing up on a farm realizes she has something special. TW:  tense scenes that could (but don't) turn into sexual assault.

Reissue of one of 19 Nocturne's earliest episodes (from October 2008). Includes notes from Julie about the history and making of 19 Nocturne Boulevard.  (transcript below cast list) THE THRICE TOLLED BELL (TW:  Insensitive archaic references and representations of people who might be in a "sanitarium".) An homage to classic Hammer films. Cast List Dracula - Bryan Hendrickson Van Helsing - Rick Lewis Wallace - Gene Thorkildsen Dr. Pettigrew - Michael Faigenblum Miranda Locksley - Rhys Torres-Miller Dr. Trevalian - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Mrs. Farge - Molly Tollefson Gorvi - Joel Harvey Britt - Julie Hoverson Nurse - Krystal Baker MUSIC All works composed by Harlan Glotzer (© 2008) [BMI] {[email protected]} Concertina - Harlan Glotzer Violoncello - Rachael Beaver & Tracy Hagen Toy Piano - Dana Wen & Roger Nelson Clavichord - Dana Wen     Toy-Box Trio (http://www.myspace.cpm/toyboxtrio) [email protected] Voices recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Assistant Director:  Reynaud LeBoeuf 19 Nocturne Theme Music:  Kevin MacLeod     (Incompetech.com) Cover Photo:   Vickie Mathews              (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an Edwardian insane asylum, can't you tell?" __________________________________________________ THE THRICE TOLLED BELL intro   This was one of the first ten episodes of 19 Nocturne Boulevard that I made and put out, back in late 2008.  I can't recall, specifically, what order I made them in. I've mentioned previously that Brokensea audio hosted a new spooky episode every day in October for a big spooky month event, and several of my first batch of episodes debuted during that event. But this episode, in particular, is literally attributable to Bill Hollweg, the master of disaster of Brokensea, he who will ever be missed.  In the couple of months leading up to the October event, he posted a challenge to all comers, to write him a script with the following parameters: It must be in the style of a Hammer Studios Dracula film (the 1960s-70s classics that starred the mesmerizing Christopher Lee); It may only include Dracula and Van Helsing (no other Hammer standard characters or monsters); and It must include a broken bell, a wooden leg, and use the line "It's never done that before!" ...To the best of my memory, anyway. So I sat down and wrote The Thrice Tolled Bell, but then didn't want to give the script up to anyone else!  I don't recall if he had any other entries, but Bill took it all with a roaring laugh and loved what I made. I loved including the stock types of characters - the lunkheaded servant; the straight-laced housekeeper; and the sexy chick played by (in this case) my best Britt Eckland voice.  I even snuck in an obviously semi-nude scene, just because I could, and it fit the genre. This was also my first attempt at commissioning music, since for once I couldn't find *quite* what I wanted among the massive catalog (even back then) of Kevin MacLeod of Incompetech.com, who I can never thank enough for what he makes available for beginning and not for profit storytellers of all kinds.  I don't recall much of the process, but I got one piece of music that I used bits of throughout and it was quite effective. When I was casting this piece, I still had a limited pool to draw from, since I was trying to stay local and work mainly with people I could actually direct in the studio.  One of my actors, Beverly Poole, was still in high school, and the doctors in this piece were some of her classmates.  But I needed the right voice for Mrs. Farge, the irascible housekeeper. I was still seeking when I went to Beverly's school play Twelfth Night (which did a lot of gender cross casting, and Beverly played Malvolio to extreme hilarity), and the voice of Fabian (pretty sure that was the role) struck me and after the play I caught up with Beverly and shouted (well, not shouted, but it was excited and urgent) "Bring me that voice!" and Molly Tollefson was recruited, accent and all. I've never cared much for auditions.  Either doing them or holding them.  It's just me.  I'd always rather grab an actor I've heard, or recruit someone from a show I like than have to evaluate from a bunch of recorded voices.  Plus, I hate being "mean" and having to turn everyone else down. ____________________________________________________ SCRIPT THE THRICE TOLLED BELL (an homage to Hammer Studio horror films)   TW:  disrespectful references to sanitarium patients and a "halfwit" character, in keeping with the time the script is set as well as the general character types of the Hammer Films franchise.  ...also nudity.   Cast (All various British accents except Dracula): Dracula (M), immortal vampire Van Helsing (M), Vampire Hunter Dr. Michael Pettigrew (20s/M), new head of the asylum Miranda Locksley(20s/F), Pettigrew's nurse/fiancée Mrs. Farge (30s/F), housekeeper Gorvi (30s/M), trustee Wallace (40s/M), cheery orderly Dr. Trevalien (40s/M), rival Britt Mecklin (20s/F), hapless blonde Nurse (F any) OLIVIA      What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's an Edwardian asylum, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND      HEAVY DOOR CRASHES SHUT SOUND     FOOTSTEPS - ONE SET LIMPS ODDLY WALLACE     Right through here - sir, miss.  Now this is one of the saddest cases we have, sir, truth be told.  Once he was the finest psychiatric mind in Europe - perhaps even the world.  MICHAEL     Always tragic when a good mind snaps.  The same fire that feeds genius also devours and leaves madness in its wake. WALLACE     Yessir. MIRANDA     What sort of madness does he suffer from? WALLACE     Miss?  I dunno that I should-- MICHAEL     Go ahead, Wallace.  Miss Locksley is not merely my fiancée, but a very competent and highly trained psychiatric nurse.  We will be working in tandem to try and bring my late father's asylum into the 20th century. MIRANDA     [sadly] From what I've seen, it will take quite some doing. WALLACE     [stiff] Sir, I dunno 'bout that, but your father was a very good and brilliant man - though the last ten years or so, since your mother died, begging your pardon, sir, he seemed to lose interest in everything. MICHAEL     Did he - not even treat the patients? WALLACE      He left much of that in the hands of Dr. Trevalian.  MICHAEL     Why did he not send for me?  I could have spent my residency here instead of in Budapest.  I could certainly have learned as much from father as I did from Dr. Bulovic! WALLACE     Sir, if you don't mind me speaking above me place, I think your father - well, he didn't want you to see him... like that. MICHAEL     But I might have been able to help him! WALLACE     I don't think naught could have helped him - not at the end, there.  MICHAEL     [British agony] He should have sent for me. MIRANDA     Dearest.  He did what he thought was best.  I'm sure your father thought very highly of you - otherwise, why should he have left this institution under your care? MICHAEL     Of course, you're right.  [condescending] Always the practical one. MIRANDA     One of us needs to be, and you must save your energy for the needs of the patients. MICHAEL     Well, show us this paragon, Wallace. WALLACE     Sir? MICHAEL     The doctor you say was so sadly struck down. WALLACE     Oh, yes sir - sad it is to see great men crumble.  SOUND     KNOCK ON HUGE IRON BOUND DOOR WALLACE     Herr Doktor?  Young Doctor Pettigrew wishes to speak with you. VAN HELSING     [muffled, behind the door] Enter. WALLACE     Ah.  Here we go, then.  SOUND     OPENING LOCKS AND BARS ON DOOR WALLACE     Dr. Pettigrew, Miss Locksley--  [ta-da!] Doctor Van Helsing. MUSIC GORVI     Gorvi done mopping.  Gorvi eat now? MRS. FARGE     Tis not dinner time yet, ye pillock.  Yer s'posed to muck out the barn t'make room for that motorcar the new head brought wi' 'im. GORVI     Mo-to-cah?  What is mo-to-cah? MRS. FARGE     An engine of Satan.  If god had wanted us to speed about in great smoking heaps of metal, he wouldn'a made horses. GORVI     [wail] Gorvi hungry! MRS. FARGE     Off wi' ye!  I've no time for this today - must have everything ready for inspection by the new head.  And here's hoping he doesna choose to sack us all.  Shoo! SOUND     GORVI LEAVES - HEAVY FOOTSTEPS, RICKETY DOOR OPENS, CLOSES AMBIANCE     OUTSIDE BRITT     [off, barely audible, singing]  When that I was and a little tiny boy-- GORVI     [leering chuckle] SOUND     FOOTSTEPS ON GRASS SPEED UP GORVI     Pretty pretty britty.  Pretty... golden... BRITT     With a hey-ho, the wind and the rain-- SOUND     FINGERS SQUEAK ACROSS GLASS, TINY WINDOW SLIDES OPEN - SINGING IS NOW CLEAR, WITH SLOSHING OF WATER, BATHING GORVI     Oh-ho! BRITT     A foolish thing was but a toy, for the rain it raineth every day... GORVI     [smothering his delighted chuckles] SOUND     DRIPPING AS A LEG IS RAISED OUT THE WATER.  BRUSH SCRUBS BRITT     Hey-ho, the wind and the rain, for the rain it raineth every day... GORVI     [Bursts out with a shriek of delight] BRITT     What?  [gasps]  Oh no! SOUND     HEAVY FOOTSTEPS RUNNING ON GRAVEL GORVI     [breathing heavily]  No scream, no scream.  Gorvi not bad.  No scream, pretty Britty. SOUND     SHIFT TO INSIDE BRITT     [screams piercingly] SOUND     [INSIDE] DOOR OPENS, FEET RUSH IN NURSE     What is it miss? BRITT     Someone was looking at me!  A man! NURSE     [condescending, fading out]  Of course.  Don't you worry.  We'll sort it all out... SOUND     SHIFT TO OUTSIDE SOUND     GORVI RUNNING GORVI     [panting with exertion] SOUND     OPENS HUGE OLD DOOR, RUNS IN MUSIC MICHAEL     After Wallace's admonitions, this is hardly what I expected. VAN HELSING     I am quite aware of my condition, my dear doctor Pettigrew.  You're fortunate enough to catch me on a good day.  MICHAEL     Perhaps you would indulge me with your own diagnosis? VAN HELSING     Simple, really.  Bouts of severe depression, which, I am ashamed to admit, I... treat... unsuccessfully... with over-use of alcohol. MICHAEL     Dipsomania? VAN HELSING     I would consider it more a symptom than a core disease, but you understand how difficult it is to be objective. MICHAEL      I appreciate your frankness. MIRANDA     I trust you are comfortable here, doctor - this is hardly a typical cell.  More like a suite in an expensive hotel. VAN HELSING     Dr. Pettigrew - the elder - was very kind, and understood that reading... helps me to ...moderate... my humors. MICHAEL     If only more patients could respond to such simple, constructive therapies.  [chuckles] VAN HELSING     [slight chuckle, indulgent] MIRANDA     The human mind is a fabulous, complex organ.  VAN HELSING     It is amazing. MUSIC AMBIANCE     ECHOEY ROOM - ABANDONED CHURCH GORVI     [muttering] Pretty pretty.  Gorvi likes pretty golden Britt.  [heavy sigh]   Britty no like Gorvi.  Gorvi only look. DRACULA     [creepy echoey voice]  Do you want her? GORVI     Who... is there?  Please? DRACULA     [creepy echoey voice]  Help me, and I shall help you in return. GORVI     Where are you?  Gorvi is alone? DRACULA     [creepy echoey voice]  Return later and bring a shovel.  I shall show myself. GORVI     You - new doctor? DRACULA     [creepy echoey voice]  Do you want this pretty Britt you long for? GORVI     Oh, want!  [licks his lips]  Yes. MUSIC AMBIANCE     DINNER NOISES SOUND     LARGE PLATTER SET DOWN MIRANDA     [cold] Thank you, Mrs. Farge.  SOUND     FOOTSTEPS TAP AWAY MIRANDA     [anxious]  Are you certain you want to do this, Michael?   I realize your father-- TREVALIAN     They expect it, even look forward to it.  Besides, they should be given the chance to meet the two of you.  You needn't worry, it is only the most stable of the inmates. SOUND     FEET RETURN MRS. FARGE     [announcing] Miss Mecklin. TREVALIAN     Miss Locksley, Dr. Pettigrew, may I present Miss Britt Mecklin. BRITT     Pleased to meet you, Doctor.  Miss Locksley. MICHAEL     Charmed. MIRANDA     Lovely. TREVALIAN     Will you have a seat? SOUND     CHAIRS SHIFT AS HE SEATS HER, THEN THEY SIT MIRANDA     It would be somewhat indelicate to discuss cases during dinner.  There will be time tomorrow to familiarize ourselves-- MICHAEL     Of course. BRITT     I have nothing to hide.  I have come to realize that it is only in my subconscious that people watch me.  Understanding it is all in my head does not stop it from frightening me, but makes it more bearable. MICHAEL     [reassuring] We shall work on that. MUSIC AMBIANCE     STORMY NIGHT OUTSIDE ECHOEY STONE ROOM SOUND     SQUEAKY DOOR OPENS, GORVI'S FOOTSTEPS GORVI     Gorvi brings shovel! DRACULA     [creepy echoey voice]  Have you light? GORVI     Gorvi have a candle. DRACULA     Do you see the bell? GORVI     Bell?  DRACULA     The bell.  You must move the bell. GORVI     No bell.  Gorvi see no bell. DRACULA     It is metal.  It is large.  Move it, or I shall unleash the fires of hell upon you! GORVI     Ahhhhh! SOUND     SHOVEL CLATTERS TO FLOOR, FEET RUN, SLAM MUSIC SOUND     WATER INTO METAL TUB.  DISHES BEING WASHED SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN MRS. FARGE     Don't you dare--! [surprised] Oh! Lucas! TREVALIAN     Lena.  I simply couldn't take it any more.  Having to kow-tow to that ... boy doctor and his miserable cold fiancée. MRS. FARGE     Lucas.  You shoulda been put in charge! TREVALIAN     I know.  [snarl] Blood runs thick.  MRS. FARGE     Dr. Pettigrew shouldna've looked over yuir years o'loyalty - Yuir unstinting devotion! TREVALIAN     There's no time for that now.  We must bide and see what they decide to alter -- SOUND     BACK DOOR SLAMS OPEN, GORVI RUNS IN MRS. FARGE     What the divvil is wrong with ye, y'idiot? Running about in the rain like a madman! TREVALIAN     Calm yourself, Lena. MRS. FARGE     Tis easy for ye to be charitable.  Ye dinna haveta squeeze work outta him like blood from a turnip.  Turnip!  That's what y'are! GORVI     Gorvi not turnip.  Gorvi scared. TREVALIAN     What frightened you? MRS. FARGE     [over her shoulder] Perhaps a slight breeze. TREVALIAN     Shh.  Gorvi, tell me everything. MUSIC SOUND     VAN HELSING'S DOOR UNLOCKS, OPENS VAN HELSING     Right on time. WALLACE     'Ave I ever missed?  SOUND     DOOR SHUTS, WOODEN LEG FOOTSTEPS WALLACE     Were it a good idea, d'yer think, to tell them you was an alcoholic?  VAN HELSING     I needed a reason for my presence here that wouldn't require overmuch explanation.  Speaking of spirits, have you--? WALLACE     [chuckling]  'Course.  Would I let yer down? SOUND     SITS.  ODD, HEAVY UNSCREWING NOISE VAN HELSING     Your thoughts on the new administrators? WALLACE     Well, 'e'll never 'ave an 'appy life, not wit' that one.  She's cold, and no mistake. VAN HELSING     Truer words were never said. WALLACE     'Ee seems... well-intentioned... but I don't see 'ow you'll be able to tell 'im much.  Not wi'out proof. SOUND     BOTTLE PULLED OUT OF WOODEN SHELL WALLACE     And there y'are.  Better use for me wooden leg, I'll never know.  [hinting] 'Cept the one... SOUND     BOTTLE OPENS VAN HELSING     Care to stay for a game of chess before you strap it back on? WALLACE     Don't mind if I do. MUSIC AMBIANCE     STORMY NIGHT GORVI     There door.  Gorvi no go in again. TREVALIAN     In the old chapel?  Dr. Pettigrew always insisted it was on the verge of falling in.  [sigh, to Gorvi]  Not safe.  No go in. GORVI     He say Gorvi move bell.  He yell at Gorvi. TREVALIAN     Poor halfwit.  TREVALIAN     Run along back to the kitchen, Gorvi.  No need to wait out here in the wet. GORVI     Doctor be careful! TREVALIAN     Of course.  Go on. SOUND     GORVI RUNS OFF SOUND     SQUEAKY OLD DOOR OPENS TENTATIVELY TREVALIAN     Hmm.  Sounder than I expected. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS, MUFFLES SOUND OF RAIN SOUND     TAP ON WALL TREVALIAN     Here's the shovel-- SOUND     PICKS UP SHOVEL TREVALIAN     And that must be the bell... SOUND     SLOW FOOTSTEPS TREVALIAN     That explains a lot - who's ever seen a huge bell sitting on the floor?  Hardly even recognizable under all those cobwebs.  Must have fallen... DRACULA     [creepy distant whisper, piteous]  Help me. TREVALIAN     Hello? DRACULA     Help.  Please.  The bell.  It came down and trapped me. TREVALIAN     I see.  Hmm.  [thinking]  Wait, the cracks in the flags below it are... covered in dust - that bell fell ages ago! DRACULA     Please.  Help. TREVALIAN     Where could that voice be coming from? DRACULA     [closer whisper, becomes command]  Move the bell.  Anything you want - it will be yours. TREVALIAN     I doubt you could give me what I truly want. DRACULA     Oh, yes.  I can give you such things....  Come, close to the crack in the bell, and tell me what it is you... crave. MUSIC MICHAEL     Darling? MIRANDA     Yes, Michael? MICHAEL     Do you think you can stick it here? MIRANDA     Of course.  You know I'm fully prepared to take on anything you need me to do. MICHAEL     I know, but - well, you won't hate it or anything, living in the country like this? MIRANDA     I shall immerse myself in work.  Just as you will.  Side by side. MICHAEL     Should I--  May I-- sit next to you there on the settee, then? MIRANDA     Michael!  We are to be wed in the spring.  I just want to make certain - living here without a proper chaperone, and all--  MICHAEL     Of course, darling.  I - I think I shall turn in.  Get an early start in the morning. MIRANDA     That sounds very wise. SOUND     TAP ON DOOR MIRANDA     Yes? SOUND     DOOR OPENS, MRS. FARGE ENTERS, PICKS UP TRAY MRS. FARGE     Did ye need anything further tonight? MIRANDA     No, we were--- SOUND     IN THE DISTANCE, A BELL TOLLS SOUND     TRAY CLATTERS TO FLOOR MRS. FARGE     [gasp!] MICHAEL     Why Mrs. Farge, whatever is the matter? MRS. FARGE     [haunted]  That be the bell up t'old kirk.  MICHAEL     Come, now, it's never done that before? MRS. FARGE     [ominous] Nay - I've been here nigh on 15 years, and that bell has nivver rung. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS AWAY MRS. FARGE     [slightly off] But I wouldna go seeking it - not even if m'very life depended on it. MUSIC VAN HELSING     [considering]  Mmm.  Check. SOUND     BELL TOLLS IN THE DISTANCE WALLACE     Wazzat? VAN HELSING     What? WALLACE     [worried] The bell - don't you hear it? VAN HELSING     Nonsense.  Hmm....  Go and check it.  If it is, we might have a problem on our hands. SOUND     BELL TOLLS IN THE DISTANCE WALLACE     I'll get going-- SOUND     QUICKLY STRAPPING LEG BACK ON VAN HELSING     Wait!  Just in case. SOUND     BOTTLE SLOSHES WALLACE     Is it--? VAN HELSING     It should help. WALLACE     Every bit does.  Leave the door open, shall I? MUSIC BRITT     [waking]  Eyes!  Someone at the window?  [muttered] I will not go look.  I will not-- SOUND     TAPPING AT THE WINDOW DRACULA     [creepy voice]  Open the window that I may bask in your radiance. BRITT     [breathing heavily, bosom heaving] It is not real.  I must take my solace in the lord. SOUND     OPENS DRAWER, TAKES OUT BIBLE BRITT     God, please give me strength! SOUND     SOMETHING FLAPS AWAY INTO THE NIGHT, ANNOYED MUSIC MICHAEL     Are you certain you'll be all right?  I could bring in a cot - there's a couch in my dressing room--? MIRANDA     No, Michael, I will be fine.  Kiss me quickly and go to bed. SOUND     QUICK KISS MIRANDA     Sleep well. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS MIRANDA     [sighs]   Men.  [chuckles]  SOUND     RAP AT THE WINDOW, BUT SHE DOESN'T NOTICE DRACULA     [distant, creepy, heavy breathing]  Yessss. SOUND     LETS HER HAIR DOWN, BEGINS TO REMOVE CLOTHES MIRANDA     [humming to herself] SOUND     HEAVY GOWN LAID ON THE BACK OF A CHAIR SOUND     STEPS APPROACH THE WINDOW SOUND     TAPPING SOUNDS ON THE GLASS DRACULA     [creepy whisper]  Open the window. MIRANDA     Hmm?  MIRANDA     How vexing.  Tree branch?  We'll see about that--! SOUND     LATCH TURNS MUSIC MIRANDA      [Off, scream!] MICHAEL     Good god! SOUND     FLINGS OFF BEDCLOTHES, FOOTSTEPS MICHAEL     [calling] Miranda!  Darling!  I'll be right there! SOUND     DOOR FLINGS OPEN, A FEW STEPS.  DOORKNOB RATTLES, POUNDING ON THE DOOR MICHAEL     [frantic]  Miranda!  Open the door! SOUND     KNOCKING MICHAEL     I'm coming in! SOUND     HEAVY THUMP MIRANDA     [calling from behind the door, spooky sounding]  Michael?  Whatever are you doing? MICHAEL     Are - are you - all right? SOUND     DOORKNOB RATTLES MIRANDA     [close now] Of course, darling.  I woke from a... strange dream.  Nothing to fret over. MICHAEL     [off] If... you're... quite certain. MIRANDA     When am I not? MICHAEL     [off] Well.  Sorry.  I-- MIRANDA     Go back to bed, dear.  We'll talk tomorrow. SOUND     [off] MICHAEL'S FOOTSTEPS RECEDE MIRANDA     [long sigh]  Well...? DRACULA     [husky] Very good, my most delectable one... SOUND     SEXY NECK NIBBLING MIRANDA     [ecstatic gasp] MUSIC SOUND     WOODEN LEG STEPS SOUND     BRISK KNOCK ON A DOOR WALLACE     Doctor, sir?  It's morning, it is. MICHAEL     Come on in, Wallace.  I'm up.  SOUND     DOOR OPENS, STEPS APPROACH MICHAEL     Is Miranda-- Miss Locksley up? WALLACE     Feeling poorly, she says.  Wooden even 'ave the drapes open.  Travel don't suit 'er? MICHAEL     Hmm.  I suppose I might breakfast with Dr. Trevalian, then. WALLACE     I ain't sure where 'e can be found, sir.  Went out last night and ain't come back.  MICHAEL     Does he do that often? WALLACE     Can't say, sir. MICHAEL     [sigh]  I hate to breakfast alone. WALLACE       Ahem, sir.  Doctor Van Helsing would be glad of your company. MUSIC MRS. FARGE     Gorvi!  Gorvi! Where is that bloody idiot? SOUND      DOOR OPENS GORVI     [whimper] MRS. FARGE     What the divvil is wrong wit' ye, ye mongrel?  Get out here! GORVI     [whimpering]  Gorvi no like! MRS. FARGE     Gorvi like breakfast? GORVI     Yes.  Please. MRS. FARGE     Gorvi will get up and work, then! GORVI     Aye, Mrs. Farge. MRS. FARGE     Go fetch some water from the well, ye brute - and while you're out, you might look where you last left Lucas-- Dr. Trevalien, that is - and see wha' he's been up to all night. GORVI     No!  No go to old door!  No! MRS. FARGE     I'll get the whip! GORVI     [whimper] SOUND     SCUTTLES OUT THE DOOR MUSIC SOUND     VAN HELSING'S DOOR OPENS VAN HELSING     Come in, dear fellow!  Wallace? WALLACE     [leans in] Yessir? VAN HELSING     [muttered] The chapel? WALLACE     [muttered] Never made it, sir, the inmates was restless last night. VAN HELSING     Today then? WALLACE     Better anyway.  [significant]  Better light. VAN HELSING     I hope so. SOUND     MICHAEL ENTERS MICHAEL     Sorry?  Do you mind if I sit down with you? VAN HELSING     Never meant to exclude you, dear boy.  Simply thought I'd heard something last night that couldn't have been. MICHAEL     The bell? VAN HELSING     You heard it as well? MICHAEL     Of course.  Why? VAN HELSING     Would you do me an enormous favor? MICHAEL     If I can - I have a busy day ahead of me, and Miranda's - a bit under the weather. VAN HELSING     Soon as we finish here, then, go along with Wallace to the old chapel.  Take a look at the bell.  Would you? MICHAEL     Why? VAN HELSING     [considers]  Hmm.  That's a tale for after you've looked.  [changing tone, chatty]  Do you, by any chance, play chess? MUSIC SOUND     KNOCK ON THE DOOR MIRANDA     [dead tired] Go away! MRS. FARGE     Dinna want to start organizing everything? MIRANDA     Oh, blast.  SOUND     STUMBLING FEET, DOOR OPENS MIRANDA     Can you help me?  I feel weak as a kitten. MRS. FARGE     You do look a wee bit pale.  I'll fetch something hearty to drink. MIRANDA     [shudder] I couldn't face anything heavy. MUSIC AMBIANCE     OUTSIDE SOUND     WALLACE AND MICHAEL WALKING OUT TO CHAPEL MICHAEL     Humoring a delusion is not the right answer - in most cases. WALLACE     You 'eard the bell, too, sir. MICHAEL     But why go look at a bloody bell? SOUND     DOOR CREAKS OPEN WALLACE     Come along, then. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS GO IN, SLOW, THEN STOP SOUND     DOOR SHUTS WALLACE     [quiet but fervent] Oh, my gracious lord. MICHAEL     What is it?  Oh!  That must have been-- SOUND     DASHING FORWARD MICHAEL     [urgent] Help me move it! WALLACE     I fear it's too late for Dr. Trevalian. MICHAEL     Help me! BOTH     [grunting and heaving] SOUND     BELL ROLLS, BUMPS, AND THUMPS INTO A WALL MICHAEL     Good god! WALLACE     Sir? MICHAEL     You're right.  He's gone.  That thing must have fallen and crushed him. WALLACE     Shouldn't there be more blood, sir? MICHAEL     Not necessarily.  We'll get him back to the infirmary and take a look. WALLACE     I'll go for a stretcher, then, shall I? MICHAEL     Just a moment!  Is this the bell we heard? WALLACE     Yes, sir. MICHAEL     [echoey - inside the bell] But there's not even a clapper! WALLACE     'asn't been rung in decades, sir. MICHAEL     What are all these markings on the inside? WALLACE     Wouldn't know, sir.  Though I don't doubt Doctor Van Helsing could 'elp you. MICHAEL     [coming out] Really - why would he--? WALLACE     I think 'e was 'ere when the bell fell, sir. MICHAEL     It must have been sitting here - the clear circle on the ground - but this is odd-- MUSIC SOUND     DOOR BURSTS OPEN, MICHAEL STORMS IN MICHAEL     I demand an explanation.  Who, precisely, was trapped under that bell? VAN HELSING     [calm] What? MICHAEL     I saw the marks of fingernails!  Trying to scratch a way out!  Wallace said you were there, along with my father.  I want to know what you did. VAN HELSING     Sit.  [up]  Wallace? WALLACE     Yes, Sir? VAN HELSING     Please check on the residents, particularly any comely females. SOUND     WALLACE GOES OUT, SHUTS DOOR CAREFULLY VAN HELSING     Now, my boy... MICHAEL     You're not "mad" at all, are you?  You've lived here all this time-- VAN HELSING     Shh. Shh.  You need to hear this.  15 years ago, your father called upon my services to help him with a rather difficult problem - a rash of unusual deaths and nightmares among the female inmates.  Having had a great deal of experience with such obsessions and delusions, I was able to spot the problem immediately - a vampire. MICHAEL     [incredulous] A vampire?  One who believes he must steal life from the living?  VAN HELSING     No delusion - a true creature of the night. MICHAEL     Preposterous! VAN HELSING     Humor an old man.  This was not just any vampire, but Dracula - the lord of all vampires, whom I have sworn to destroy.  MICHAEL     But the bell? VAN HELSING     We trapped him.  Blessings etched on the inside - some from when it called the faithful, others we added - kept him penned.  Simply putting a stake through his heart, as would do for most vampires, is not sufficient for Dracula.  Far too simple for those who follow the dark arts to summon him back across the dark divide! MICHAEL     But there must be a way-- VAN HELSING     What do you think I have been researching all these years?  I believe I have the answer, but first we must locate him. MICHAEL     Why should I believe any of this? VAN HELSING     Ask your fiancée. MUSIC MRS. FARGE     Let me fetch the doctor. BRITT     Yes.  You can't be too careful! MIRANDA     [trying to be strong] Nonsense.  I'm just tired.  I'm... not used to the country. BRITT     Someone was looking into my room last night. MRS. FARGE     Nonsense.  You know that's all in your mind. BRITT     No, it was real!  Eyes.  At the window. MIRANDA     Red eyes? BRITT     You saw them too? MIRANDA     [evasive] Don't be silly.  How could it be? SOUND     DOOR BURSTS OPEN, FEET DASH IN, THEN STOP MIRANDA     [gasp] MICHAEL     Oh, goodness.  I'm sorry, but darling, there's something I must ask-- VAN HELSING     [coming on, commanding]  Remove that scarf and show us your neck, if you please. MIRANDA     [gasps and faints noisily] SOUND     BODY DROP MUSIC VAN HELSING     --resting normally.  Despite the slight anemia, she should recover.  We must watch her very closely, though, my young friend. MICHAEL     How could this have happened?  Miranda is the most sensible of women-- VAN HELSING     Does it take a fanciful mind to be attacked by a rabid dog?  No!  In fact, a more fanciful mind is often better prepared to ward off such evil.  Witness Miss Mecklin. BRITT     Me? VAN HELSING     What did he say to you, at your window? BRITT     It was just noises - scratching. VAN HELSING     Come now, there were words - if not in your ears, then in your mind, were there not? BRITT     [sniffling] It's my subconscious.  Not real. VAN HELSING     This time, I'm afraid, is much different.  You must help us. BRITT     He just said "open the window".  VAN HELSING     But it was definitely a "he?" BRITT     It is always men who are watching me. VAN HELSING     Did he say where he might hide by day? BRITT     No.  I am so sorry! VAN HELSING     Never mind.  You did well.  Keep your bible close tonight. BRITT     Oh, yes! MUSIC GORVI     [muttering]  No more for Gorvi.  He will sleep now.  No more work.  Gorvi will-- SOUND     DOOR OPENS, QUICK STRUGGLE DRACULA     [hissing whisper]  Silence! GORVI     [hand over his mouth]  Mmm! DRACULA     Shut the door. SOUND     DOOR SHUTS DRACULA     You did not release me, but I can overlook that, if you will serve me now. GORVI     [muffled] Mm-hm! [yes] DRACULA     Good.  I still know what you want.  The oh-so-lovely miss Britt. GORVI     [muffled] Mm-hm! [eager yes] DRACULA     Then this is what you must do... MUSIC SOUND     DOORS BEING LOCKED, WINDOW SHUTTERS SECURED VAN HELSING     I appreciate your humoring me, Michael. MICHAEL     Of course. VAN HELSING     Bringing everyone here to my rooms. MICHAEL     I assume you think we may be safe here? VAN HELSING     As safe as anywhere else. MIRANDA     How can we all sleep? VAN HELSING     You may lie on the couch, if you need to.  Michael and I will remain awake.  On guard. BRITT     I can help guard as well. VAN HELSING     Did you bring your bible? BRITT     I could not find it! VAN HELSING     Never mind, I think we have whatever we may need.  Wallace? WALLACE     [grim] Absolutely, sir. MICHAEL     What if he doesn't come here? VAN HELSING     He must.  I circled the patient rooms and staff quarters with poppy seeds and salt.  He will never get across that.  MICHAEL     So he will have to come here, or--? VAN HELSING     --or starve. MUSIC     TIME PASSES VAN HELSING     We can slow him with spells, or stake him through his heart, but to truly banish his soul to the purgatory he so richly deserves, only holy water will suffice - and not a mere sprinkling, a veritable dousing. MUSIC     TIME PASSES VAN HELSING     Vampires are irredeemably evil.  The only way to save miss Locksley from this hellish fate is to destroy this monster before she loses the last spark of humanity.  As long as her soul does not depart her body, she can be saved. MUSIC     TIME PASSES SOUND     MOST ARE SLEEPING VAN HELSING     This will be it.  Are you ready? WALLACE     Can't wait to see how it turns out, sir.  VAN HELSING     Good man. SOUND     KNOCK AT THE DOOR VAN HELSING     Ah...  It begins. GORVI     [muffled] Gorvi is alone?  Let Gorvi in! WALLACE     Bloody idiot. VAN HELSING     You may be more correct than you know.  Wait for my signal.  Michael, wake up, get the ladies into the dressing room, back there.  Whatever you do, do not open the door until you are certain it is morning - you may have to restrain miss Locksley, if Dracula has enough of a hold over her.  Can you? MICHAEL      Yes, I think so. VAN HELSING     Move, then.  There's a good lad. VAN HELSING     Take this-- SOUND     RATTLE OF NECKLACE CHAIN VAN HELSING     It offers some protection. SOUND     CROWD GOES OUT, DOOR SHUTS VAN HELSING     Now. WALLACE     Right.  Gorvi?  Is there anyone with you? GORVI     [muffled, but clearly lying] No.  Who would be with Gorvi? VAN HELSING     [laugh] No one alive.  Throw open the gate. WALLACE     A'right.  Just a moment. SOUND     DOOR THUMPS VAN HELSING     [hissed] Stay back. SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN, HITS WALLACE WALLACE     Uhh! SOUND      BODY DROPS AND SLIDES ACROSS FLOOR VAN HELSING     Wallace! WALLACE     uhh...[out cold] SOUND     HEAVY BOOTS STRIDE CONFIDENTLY INTO ROOM VAN HELSING     Dracula! DRACULA     You stand between me and destiny, old man.  Step aside and I shall kill you quickly. VAN HELSING     Never.  Back, foul fiend! DRACULA     [hisses]  You believe you can tame me?  I have seared my flesh on your so-clever prison walls so many times, I have scars. VAN HELSING     And yet, you do not approach. DRACULA     Only a fool uses his hands to dig when he has a shovel... Gorvi! GORVI     [flying leap] Master! SOUND     BODY DROP - CROSS DROPS VAN HELSING     Unh! DRACULA     [evil laugh]  And now, my most precious enemy, prepare to meet your well-deserved fate! SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN MICHAEL     No! SOUND     MICHAEL STORMS IN VAN HELSING     Dammit, boy!  You've ruined it!  Do what you want with me-- DRACULA     Of course, herr doktor!  You have always cared more for others than for yourself.  [commanding, hot] Come to me, my darling! MIRANDA     [breathless] I must go--! MICHAEL     No!  Get back! BRITT     Miss Miranda, you can't! GORVI     Britt! MIRANDA     [snarling]  Let me pass, strumpet! SOUND     SHORT CATFIGHT MIRANDA     Ugh! [hurling Britt] SOUND     BRITT ENDS UP IN DRAC'S ARMS GORVI     [upset] Britt! DRACULA     A gift?  For me?  You are too kind. MIRANDA     My love!  You don't want her! DRACULA     She is merely the aperitif, my dearest darling - [hot] you alone can satisfy me. MIRANDA     [ecstatic sigh] DRACULA     Now, my pale blonde flower.. BRITT     [struggles for a moment, then goes limp with a sigh, breathing hard] SOUND     FANGY NOISE GORVI     No!  Gorvi wants Britt! VAN HELSING     Wallace!  Ready! DRACULA     Imbecile! SOUND     THUMP AS GORVI HITS DRACULA SOUND     HEAVY THROW, BODY HITS WALL, NECK CRUNCH GORVI     [dying noises] DRACULA     Miranda, show your devotion - come and hold this delectable morsel for me. SOUND     RUNNING FEET WALLACE     Yaaaah! VAN HELSING     Kick him! DRACULA     [very slight] Oof.  WALLACE     [struggling] DRACULA     [chuckles nastily] And now what do you do?  I have your leg. WALLACE     [triumphant] Yes! SOUND     CLICK, SMALL EXPLOSION SOUND     MUCH WATER SPLASHES, HISSING BURNING NOISE DRACULA     What?  No!  [shrieking in agony] Ahhh! MICHAEL     Good God! VAN HELSING     Holy water!.  DRACULA     But how?  I would have seen a bottle.  Ahh! VAN HELSING     Wooden leg.  WALLACE     And a small blasting cap. DRACULA     Ahh! [receding] SOUND     LIQUIDY HORRIBLE PUDDLY NOISE WALLACE     Uh, Sir?  Can I get a hand? VAN HELSING     Certainly.  I'll even give you a leg up. MUSIC END  

Tough question - keep drinking and writing, if your muse is little green men?

Reissue of one of 19 Nocturne's earliest episodes (from October 2008).  Includes notes from Julie about the history and making of 19 Nocturne Boulevard. MAKING BOOK [warning - mature language and violence] Retired safecracker Fay James has to do one last job, to save her brother Rusty from leg-breakers - but what they  steal turns out to be dynamite!   Cast List Fay James - Julie Hoverson Rusty James - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mr. Broadstreet - Cole Hornaday Jimmy - Jake Stratton Jordan - Greg Porter Gertie - Jody Montague Bank phone voice - Beverly Poole Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Photo:  Konrado Fedorczyko (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a rich man's study - where else would you find...burglars?"     TRANSCRIPTS Intro material then the full script MAKING BOOK with intro   This was one of the first ten episodes of 19 Nocturne Boulevard that I made and put out, back in late 2008.  I can't recall, specifically, what order I made them in, which may seem odd, but I was determined to have a bunch ready to go when I debuted the series - in October, naturally - to make sure they would come out on time, which would help me establish the series and its credibility.  Even back then, shows came and went with the wind. By the time I was prepping to start, the wonderful and always missed Bill Hollweg of Brokensea audio announced that Brokensea was going to put out or host a new episode every day in October for a big spooky month event, so I volunteered 4 episodes to debut there (I think I actually ended up sharing 6 with them, but again - it was a while ago).  BrokenSea was a big part of most audio drama fandom at the time, and it was a great way to quickly get 19 Nocturne Boulevard out to the audience they already reached. So these episodes first debuted in Brokensea's feed, then when I put them up myself, I was still piggybacking on the feed of The Unspeakable and Inhuman, which I will talk about in another intro.  That's why my own libsyn listing doesn't have a full list, in order, for me to consult to recall precise dates. I warn that Making Book has "foul language", but the language in this episode is incredibly tame, compared to several other of my stories.  This is because when I wrote it, I was still working with an old time radio mentality, and the language in this would be considered unbroadcastable, for the 1940s.  While we recorded this - we were still working in Ryan's basement studio, with his excellent help, back in those early days - and the hardest thing to record was the screaming. Screaming is one way to quickly overpower a microphone, so it has to be carefully placed, gained, and modulated.  I amazed everyone with the length and breadth of the screams I was able to produce. The main monster fx were mainly me making mouth noises, then playing with various ways to tweak the sound.  I'm quite pleased with what I came up with in all that.  This was very early days in my learning how to sound edit, and yet I managed some really good stuff.  The hardest sound to find was the sound of the lights turning off in the bar.  Go figure. The music in this episode is all from the amazing Kevin MacLeod of incompetech.com, including "Netherworld Shanty", the piece I adopted as the 19 Nocturne Boulevard theme song. Mike Flowers helped me with doing a bit of sound tuning and will be helping me with episodes for as long as he can put up with me! If you want to listen to this story without all this intro jibjab, the original is still available through the episodes page on my website at 19nocturneboulevard.com, or do a quick search on our libsyn page at nineteennocturne.libsyn.com The script of the episode follows.   MAKING BOOK "This episode has some foul language and excessive violence and may not be suitable for all listeners.  Please listen responsibly."  Cast: Olivia [host, intro] Fay James (F/26), reformed safecracker and strip club dancer Rusty James (M/23), unreformed gambler Simeon Broadstreet (M/40s), spooky client Jimmy (M/40s), sleazy bartender/boss Jordan (M/30s), mysterious stranger Gertie (F/40), another dancer John (M/any) Bank Phone voice (any) Teacher (any) OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a rich man's study, can't you tell?  Where else would you find... a safecracker? SCENE 1.    THE HEIST MUSIC    MISSION IMPOSSIBLE STYLE CAPER MUSIC SOUND    SILENCE.  A COUPLE OF QUIET CLICKS [NOTE    THEY WHISPER THROUGHOUT THIS SCENE.] RUSTY    Fay!  FAY    [startled]  Huh?  Crap!  Rusty, shut your pie-hole!  You'll make me lose the damn-- RUSTY    Don't swear, Fay. [note:  while Fay is relatively foul-mouthed, I kept it low-key in this because I set the story in the 1940s, as a classic-style radio story.] FAY    Rusty...! RUSTY    A car just turned in! FAY    Then cork it and let me finish this damn thing, or we can get the hell out right now. RUSTY    [annoyed and disappointed] Fay! FAY    Watch the damn window and freaking shut up! RUSTY    Ok. SOUND    CLICKS MUSIC   SCENE 2.    THE GETAWAY SOUND    IN A CAR, DRIVING RUSTY    [annoyed sigh] FAY    [breaking an uncomfortable silence] Sorry.  I get so tense when I'm working. RUSTY    [sullen] I know. FAY    I said I'm sorry.  I should ... I should be more careful what I say. RUSTY    You're never gonna do anything with your life if you don't start talking more nicer. [note:  they both speak with the poor grammar of the "stereotypical gangster" and thus this is ironic] FAY    [chuckles] Hey, who's the older sister here? RUSTY    Not me - I don't got the parts.  But seriously, sis - You always looked out for me, I'm just trying to return some.  Besides, I get all clenched up inside when you start spouting off like that. FAY    I'll work on it.  Speaking of who's looking out for who - if this all comes off, you're clear, right? RUSTY    [sheepish] Yeah. FAY    You know I don't wanna do this again - I've mended my ways and all that bullsh-- all that ... bull. RUSTY    Mr. Broadstreet's paying ten Gs.  That should get me clear. FAY    And then you stop. RUSTY    Stop? FAY    You know. RUSTY    It's usually not that big a-- FAY    Rusty.  You need to stop.  Just cut it out.  Cold turkey.  Don't you watch Dr. Phil?  Gambling is an addiction - there are support groups and everything. RUSTY    I guess. FAY    Tell you what, maybe we both see if we can quit - me with the bad words, you with the bets.  Just for a month.  Whatya say? RUSTY    [long sigh]  Let me deal with this first, OK? FAY    [sigh] Yeah. SOUND    RATTLE OF PAPER WRAPPED PARCEL BEING TURNED OVER IN RUSTY'S HANDS RUSTY    What do you think it is? SOUND    SHAKES IT [no rattle] FAY    Ten thousand dollars. RUSTY    Really?  SOUND    TAPPING ON THE PARCEL - sounds like a book RUSTY    Maybe we should open it? FAY    Jeez, Rusty, sometimes I really think you're too stupid to live.  RUSTY    Fay! FAY    I meant I think it's worth the ten thousand your wack job employer is going to pay for it.  Undamaged.  He said that.  Undamaged. RUSTY    But it won't hurt if I unwrap it, will it? SOUND     PAPER TEARING FAY    Do I haveta pull this car over? RUSTY    A book? FAY    What? RUSTY    It's just a big old book.  [sniffs, coughs]  Gah, even smells old.  Look, it's got a lock, like a diary. FAY    What is it? RUSTY    [slowly, "duh"] A book. FAY    I mean the title. RUSTY    Um...  It's ain't in English.  If that's even writing.... SOUND    SCRATCHING ON BOOK LEATHER FAY    So don't-- SOUND    CREAK OF LEATHER FAY    OK, that's it! SOUND    JAMMING ON THE BRAKES RUSTY    Gahh... FAY    Give me that! RUSTY    I was just seeing if it was really locked.  FAY    Did you not get the part about he wants it undamaged?  You think prying open the lock or trying to snap the leather somehow don't count? RUSTY    I was, I was just thinking, Fay, that why would someone pay a bunch of dough for a book?  Maybe it just looks like a book, and it's really a box full of jewels or something. FAY    You're willing to throw away a sure thing-- RUSTY    You could probably pick that lock in a heartbeat, couldn't you, Fay? FAY    Look, Rusty-- [softening, worried]  This ain't the double down, li'l bear [little bear and sissy/sister bear are their childhood nicknames for each other] - the odds are - oh, I dunno, but it's pointless.  This book, as is, will get you out of hock to the bad men.  This time.  You were damned lucky to find someone with that kind of dough to sling around - why screw it up? RUSTY    But if there's any chance-- FAY    No goddam way.  This is the end.  I'll drop you off on my way to Jimmy's, but I'm keeping this bad boy with me. RUSTY    It'll get stolen! FAY    By who?  Crackheads don't read. RUSTY    But, 10 grand'll just get me out, what'll I do for a stake? SOUND    CAR GETS MOVING AGAIN FAY    [said a million times] You could get a job. RUSTY    You know I ain't no good at anything.  Not like you.  You just touch a lock and it-- FAY    There are zillions of jobs that don't need you to be any good.  You just gotta do what people tell you. RUSTY    How can I go work for peanuts when I know I can win a fortune? FAY    But you don't win, Rusty.  Peanuts is better than a hole in the head. RUSTY    [sullen]  Is that what you tell yourself when you're dancing for sweaty old men?  FAY    [warning]  Rusty.  [deep breath, calms]  So I'm doing whatever the hell it takes to get MY stake - to get some school and maybe a business of my own.  I'm 100 percent legit.  Finally.  That's what counts.  RUSTY    But you could get what you need real easy-like.  Just pull another job or two ... then go legit. FAY    ...and just one more and just one more and just one more, right?  No, Rusty.  Cuz then I'd be you. SOUND    CAR STOPS FAY    [tight control] I'll call your guy and make all the arrangements for us to meet tomorrow.  sound    car door opens, shuts RUSTY    Fay, I-- FAY    Rusty.  Next time you dig yourself in deep, you know what I'm gonna do?  RUSTY    What? FAY    I'm gonna buy you some goddamn crutches.  [because the guys he owes money to would break his legs] SOUND    Car slams into gear, roars off. FAY    "Just this one more time, Fay."  "It's gonna change, Fay."  Jeez, I'm such a shit-fer-brains. MUSIC    FOR FLASHBACK   SCENE 3.    HOME, COOKING SOUND    COOKING NOISES.  Mixing, rinsing dishes, sizzling RUSTY    Just this one more time, Fay.  FAY    No. RUSTY    It'll be easy. FAY    I'm done, Rusty. RUSTY    But, but they'll-- [teary sniff] SOUND    pause in the movement FAY    [long beat, long sigh, then quietly]  They'll what. RUSTY    Nothing.  [making a big deal out of sniffing]  That sure smells good.  I love your cooking, sissy bear. FAY    [under her breath] ...bastard. RUSTY    Hmm? FAY    What will they do, Rusty? RUSTY    Oh.  Well, this is Mr. Capelli, and his guys - well, they don't kid around. FAY    [tight] --and? RUSTY    They'll hurt me real bad. FAY    How much do you need? RUSTY    Nothing! FAY    Nothing? RUSTY    That's the best part - I found this guy who is willing to cover everything-- FAY    How much? RUSTY    Ten large. FAY    Ten?  SOUND    CLATTER LIKE DROPPED LID FAY    How did you get in that far? RUSTY    But this guy, see, he just wants us to get something, and I told him I might, you know, know someone. FAY    Get something? RUSTY    A package. MUSIC     ends flashback.   SCENE 4.    IN CAR, STILL DRIVING FAY    Yep.  Shit.  Fer. Brains. music    transition fades into pounding hard rock, vastly distorted, then fades into background   SCENE 5.    STRIP CLUB sound    on filter, phone rings FAY    [to self] Come on, come on.  sound    on filter, phone picks up FAY    [jumping in]  Mr. Broadstreet? BROADSTREET    Hello?  What?  Yes, this is-- FAY    We got your package.  I mean Rusty and me - I helped him.  We've got it. BROADSTREET    Unopened? FAY    [gasp] Oh, yeah.  It's fine.  Look, we need to get the cash soonest.  When can we meet? BROADSTREET    It is vital that the ...package... remain closed.  Can you guarantee that? FAY    Yeah.  I got it all safe and sound.  You got the cash or not? BROADSTREET    I have the cash.  Come to my house--- FAY    I'd really rather we do this somewhere a bit more neutral.  You know. BROADSTREET     [thinks a moment]  There's a courtyard at the library downtown.  You have to go through the rare books section to get there, so it's usually quite deserted.  Can you find it?  FAY    Sure.  BROADSTREET    I expect to see you - both of you - with the package, tomorrow at noon. sound    on filter, phone hangs up FAY    Hey!!  sound    fay slams down receiver FAY    You arrogant sonofab-- JIMMY     [coming on]  Fay!  I don't pay you to gab on the phone all night! FAY    [through gritted teeth]  I'm on my break. JIMMY    Well, I hope you made it to the can, too, since that was your last break before closing - now get out there and shake it.  There's an old fart at table 5 who still got some green left. FAY    Right, Jimmy. MUSIC    rock music, for time PASSES, THEN cutS off or winds down - SOUND system IS SHUT OFF.       SCENE 6.    STRIP CLUB, CLOSING TIME sound    light SWITCHES being thrown. GERTIE    Hey, Fay, coming out for some grub? JOHN    [in background] Hey babe, come on. FAY    Nah, you go on - I'm waiting on a call.  GERTIE    Your brother. FAY    Yeah. sound     quick steps, jingle of bell on door. GERTIE    [off] That deadbeat.  [beat, remembering]  Oh, crap! JOHN    [still off]  What's the deal, sweetheart? SOUND    STEPS RETURN GERTIE    Here's that catalog. FAY    [down] Thanks.  I don't think I -- GERTIE    Take it.  Read it.  It's not too late. FAY    I'm kinda in the middle of something. GERTIE    You got a week to register for Fall.  [waits, then]  Winter, maybe? FAY    Maybe. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS RETREAT AGAIN GERTIE    [moving away]  You really don't want-- JOHN    [off]  Let's skip the food, babe and get right to the motel. GERTIE    [off] --to end up like me. sound    door closes behind gertie sound     FAY's footsteps echo slightly, empty room. sound    phone rings FAY    Huh?  sound    walks quickly over, phone picked up FAY    You're early. JORDAN    [on filter, ominous voice]  You have the book. FAY    Broadstreet?  Wait, no-- JORDAN    Broadstreet must not get the book.  FAY    How'd you get this--? JORDAN    Bring the book to me tomorrow at 2 pm.  At the corner of central and 12th. FAY    What the hell--? sound    dial tone. FAY    Great. sound    hangs up phone sound     fay's footsteps as she walks into changing room no music for scene   SCENE 7.    CHANGING ROOM sound    door opens.  sound    serrated knife cutting leather - continues until noted FAY    Jimmy!  You bastard!  What the-- No! JIMMY    Back off babe.  I'm just seeing what you got in your little diary, here-- sound    knife ends, finishes the cut FAY    You scumbag!!! sound    book creaks open, pages flip. sound    tentacles pop out of the book and grab jimmy JIMMY    [screaming in fear and agony] FAY    [screaming at the top of her lungs in terror] sound    horrid ripping noise as Jimmy is torn asunder  JIMMY     [stops screaming suddenly] sound    slurping noise as tentacles go back into the book.  book slams shut. sound    trickles of blood running down the walls. FAY    [screaming winds down to gasps and sobs] sound     phone rings and keep ringing FAY    [shrieks once, then starts to almost laugh] sound    hesitating footsteps.  One slightly wet sounding one. FAY    Ew! sound    rubbing foot on floor, then running for phone sound    phone picks up RUSTY    [on filter]  Hey.  Sorry about earlier. FAY    [laughs almost soundlessly, almost hysterical] RUSTY    Fay?  Wait, is this Fay?  FAY    Yeah, Rusty, it's -- it's me.  [breathing, trying to calm down] RUSTY    What's so funny? FAY    Nothing.  Oh, shit.  L'il bear, I need your help with something.  RUSTY    Anything, sissy bear.  You know it.  FAY    Come down to the club, and bring me some old clothes.  Bring some for you too. music   SCENE 8.    CHANGING ROOM, LATER SOUND    FAY SCRUBBING SOUND    RUSTY ENTERS RUSTY    Yikes!  Was it a holdup? FAY    Sure.  A holdup.  A really, really messy holdup.  Go in the back there and fill this bucket - really hot water - about halfway. RUSTY    Good thing the book didn't get all bloody.  Then Broadstreet would never pay for it. FAY    [almost a sob]  Yeah. sound    scrubbing fades into music   SCENE 9.    CHANGING ROOM, EVEN LATER RUSTY    Fay!  The book sound    her reaction is very frightened, until she turns and sees nothing FAY    What?  What!! RUSTY     The strap's been cut! FAY    Yeah.  Uh, I'm gonna see if I can fix that-- Don't touch it!!! RUSTY    Why not? FAY     Here, I'll... [gulps] move it. sound    a couple of wet slappy steps. FAY    [deep breath, then an effort]  There! sound    Book dropped quickly onto table RUSTY    Fay, you gotta tell me what's up - you're totally acting nutso. FAY    You gotta trust me l'il bear, don't touch it. RUSTY    I hate it when you treat me like a kid, Fay!  I can take it!  [sudden idea] Did you kill Jimmy? FAY    [hollow] What makes you so sure this was Jimmy?  It's just ... chunks. RUSTY    Who else would it be?  Level with me Fay, or...  or-- FAY    or what? RUSTY    [sharp breath] sound     quick squishy steps RUSTY     Or I'll... I'll open it! FAY    No!  No!  Don't screw around, Rusty!  This is way more serious than you know! RUSTY    Tell me, Fay. FAY    Not here.  I'll tell you when we're done and home.  Please, it's - it's just too much. MUSIC   SCENE 10.    IN THE CAR FAY    [begging] Give me the book, please? RUSTY    No, Fay.  I gotta know what went down.  FAY    [still breathing hard, almost sobbing, subdued, reliving the event] Jimmy, being the nosy bast-- busybody that he is, got into my locker.  He saw the book looked like something, and he ... cut through ... the ...strap... [sobs] RUSTY    [not willing to budge] --And then? FAY    It killed him.  Rusty, the book did it.  Don't open it, it was horrible. RUSTY    [ghoulishly interested]  Tell me!  Sissy bear, tell me! FAY    You don't need to know!  RUSTY    [wheedling]  Sissy bear! FAY    [beat]  Things came out, like squids-- RUSTY    Tentacles? FAY    [breaking] Yeah.  Yeah.  They grabbed him and just pulled him into pieces, then pulled the pieces ... most of them ... in and shut the book behind it. RUSTY    [excited] It must be some kind of a door to another reality.  I read about those things all the time. FAY    A door to h-e-- double hockey-sticks!  music   music   SCENE 11.    PHONE BANK sound    BEEPS, MECHANICAL VOICE AUTOTELLER    --[a balance of] two thousand, one hundred thirty two dollars and seventy four cents. To repeat this, press 6-- SOUND    RECEIVER HANGS UP SOUND    RECEIVER PICKED UP, PHONE DIALS FAY    Hey Beans, Wally around?  No!  What's he in for? Again?  Shoot, I was hoping he could use-- oh, never mind. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, RUSTY ENTERS RUSTY    You up already? FAY    Like I could sleep. RUSTY    You doing ok? FAY    Yeah.  Ain't no goddamn love lost between me and Jimmy.  But I gotta feeling this means I'm out of a job. RUSTY    But, seeing all that blood and stuff--? FAY    [muttered]  Why you think I ain't sleeping? [louder]  But there ain't jack shi-- RUSTY    [warning noise] FAY    There ain't nothing I can do about it now.  I just ain't got time for a freakout. RUSTY    Should I rustle us up some breakfast? FAY    [slightly teasing] Sure.  You get started, I'll unplug the smoke detector. RUSTY    [mock annoyed] Hey!  Besides, even I can't mess up corn flakes. FAY    I'll get something started in a minute, l'il bear.  [a moment] Thanks for staying.  I really didn’t wanna-- RUSTY    Are you kidding?  And miss out on my chance to do something for you?  [pause] Some day Fay, I'm gonna - I dunno, strike it rich, and then we'll see who's taking care of who. FAY    [rueful] Yeah. RUSTY    I was thinking.  Maybe we shouldn't give this guy the book. FAY     Huh?  Why not? RUSTY    He's not gonna want to pay for it, damaged and all, and, well, if it's all you say, sounds like it's pretty dangerous. FAY    Yeah, like I wanna keep it around! RUSTY    We could sink it in the river.  Maybe seal it in a block of concrete.  We don't know this guy.  Who knows what he plans to do - or who he plans to do, with it?  [sure] I'll handle it. FAY    I-I don't really care what this guy has up his sleeve.  I'm just hoping he'll pay something, damaged or not, and that maybe Mr. Capelli will take half down.  Pass me that, wouldya? SOUND    WRAPPING PAPER RUSTY    Isn't this--? FAY    I want to get this thing re-wrapped. RUSTY    You think maybe it'll fool him? FAY    [snort] Nah.  I'm just hoping it will give us time to be out of reach when he opens it. MUSIC   SCENE 11.    LIBRARY RENDEZVOUS sound    daytime noises, footsteps echo slightly on stone FAY    I'm glad you were willing to see reason.  I don't know who your buyer is, but he must have some tough mojo to think he can control something awful like this. RUSTY    Yeah. BROADSTREET    [coming on]  Ah, good to see you.  You have my package? FAY    Right here.  There was a --- RUSTY    It's just fine.  You got the money? BROADSTREET    Here.  Shall we trade? RUSTY    How 'bout you put down the briefcase, and I bring you the book?  Then, when you're happy, I'll take the money. FAY    [surprised, side of mouth]  Good going, L.B. [lil bear] BROADSTREET    An eminently sensible plan.  I'll have to check and make sure the book has not been tampered with. RUSTY    Be my guest, here, I'll get it out for you. sound    rustle of paper being unwrapped BROADSTREET    Just hand it over--  aaaugh! [note    rusty opens the book, facing toward Broadstreet] Sound    Same sounds as before slurp, squish, crunch BROADSTREET     [screams] FAY    [screaming] BROADSTREET     [stops in mid-scream] sound    all sounds end with a slurp and the book slamming shut. FAY    [screaming, ending with]  Rusty!  Ohmigod, Rusty what the hell do you think you're doing? SOUND    DRIPPING NOISES RUSTY    I was right!!  For once, I GOT it! FAY    Rusty, what the hell-- RUSTY    Look, Fay.  Don't you see, this is our ticket?  My ticket, anyway, if you're too chicken.  We may have a mess, but we also have ten thousand dollars AND the book. FAY    And what pray tell do you plan to do with the sonofabitch goddamn book? RUSTY    [dark, serious]  Don't swear, Fay.  [almost chuckling]  It's so perfect - no way to trace it, so there's no way to catch me!  All I gotta do is walk up to someone, open the book at 'em, just like now, and whammo!  FAY    You're gonna go around killing people?  Once they're eaten, it's not like you can take their wallets! RUSTY    I thought of that.  I'm not gonna ROB no one.  Just hire myself out.  FAY    How could you?  Mom would never have-- RUSTY    [bitter, accusing] Yeah, well, I never knew mom, sissy bear.  Any problems with my upbringing?  They're all on you! FAY    But-- RUSTY    I knew it.  You just want me to be a wimp, so you can push me around.  Just your little bear.  You never want me to win big, because if I was ever a success, you wouldn't have anyone to gloat over and preach to!  Well, it's too late - it's my turn, Fay.  This is my chance to be the man! FAY    Rusty, you stop this.  Right now. RUSTY    What're you gonna do, put me over your knee?  I got the book, and while I'd hate to have to use it again right away... FAY    You wouldn't! RUSTY    [steely] Try me.  [beat, hollow] Just let me go, Fay. music   SCENE 12.    LEAVING THE LIBRARY sound    busy street noises JORDAN    [startlingly close]  You didn't bring it. FAY    [jumps]  Oh!  You're‑‑ JORDAN    I'm Jordan.  FAY    Jordan something or something Jordan? JORDAN    [almost a chuckle] Something.  Where's the book? FAY    Tell me what it is first.  I can't just hand it over without knowing more about it. JORDAN    We can't talk here. FAY    Oh sure we can - a busy street is as anonymous as you can get.  Spill. JORDAN    [beat] It is... a gateway. FAY    Hah.  We figured that. JORDAN    [upset] You opened it?  How many?  How many has it devoured? FAY    Keep your voice down.  We may be anonymous, here, but there is a limit.  Why's it matter who got et? JORDAN    The book is a Demonilatrium Triskadecorum, one of thirteen gates disguised as ancient grimoires.  They were put into this world to trap those who seek the deepest levels of occult knowledge.  [note:  totally made up name.  Triskedec is a root meaning "13", and demon is self-explanatory] JORDAN    Each book will take thirteen souls and then - pfft!  Go back from whence it came.  This one has already eaten 7 that I've been able to verify. FAY    [hopeful]  But then it'll just go away? JORDAN    Taking the last wielder with it. FAY    [weakly, hopeful] Wielder, like the one facing the book? JORDAN    The one holding it. SOUND    ODD BIRD CALL FAY    Oh, shi-- JORDAN    Did you hear that? FAY    What?  The car horn? SOUND    ODD BIRD CALL JORDAN    That.  Damn, they found us.  We need to find some place less public - now! FAY    Why?  Aren't we sort of safe out here on the street? JORDAN    Doubtful.  They're after the book.  FAY    But Rusty has--  I mean--  Shit! JORDAN    They're tracking me, not the book.  We need to get away from them. SOUND    RAPID FOOTSTEPS FAY    Not part of your club, eh? JORDAN    There are many factions seeking to control the Triskadecora.  This way...! SOUND    STREET NOISES RECEDE FAY    Being alone with a bunch of freaks sounds like a dumbass plan, Jordan Something.  JORDAN    I can't cloak us if there are any observers. FAY    Like being able to be invisible, but only if there's no one watching you? JORDAN    Shh.  In here. SOUND    SLIGHT SCUFFLE, FOOTSTEPS STOP AMB    IN A TUNNEL OR UNDER A BRIDGE SOUND    WEIRD LOW BUZZING NOISE JORDAN    [whispered] Now stay quiet. FAY    [whispered] You have to grope me like this? JORDAN    [whispered] The range is limited, we have to stay very close. FAY    [whispered] I'm not bitching, I just wanted to know. JORDAN    Shh! SOUND    WEIRD BIRD CALL, STRANGE NOISES MOVE SLOWLY PAST. SILENCE FOR A MOMENT FAY    [whispered] Are they gone? JORDAN    [whispered] Just another moment.  [slightly husky] For safety. FAY    [whispered] Oh... [beat, chuckle]  Well, what do you do when you're not hiding from demons and chasing old carnivorous books, Mr. Jordan? music   SCENE 13.    VISITING THE VICTIMS sound    night ambiance.  nightclub noises in the near distance FAY     I just hope we got here first.  Last I checked, nobody'd seen him yet - they're kind of used to me calling around looking for him. JORDAN    And you're quite sure-- FAY    Oh, yeah - first people he'd go after are his bookies.  Lucky thing they weren't in town this afternoon or they'd be squid bait long since. JORDAN    Squid? FAY    You know-- [making a squooshing tentacle noise]  They come out of the book. JORDAN     I've never actually seen one opened.  We're working to get them all into safekeeping.  It sounds like your brother is a prime example why. FAY    He's weak.  It's all my fault.  Our mom died when he was born, then dad went a dozen years later.  After that, it was just me and him.  I guess I ... I didn't do it right. JORDAN    [matter of fact]  Probably not. FAY    Hey!  Not helping! sound    [over at the building] knock on door, door squeaks open. FAY    Oh, crap.  That ain't good. JORDAN    Stay behind me. FAY    As if. sound    running footsteps FAY    Rusty?  Rusty?  Rusty? sound     footsteps slow, then stop FAY    Aw, jeez, Rusty. RUSTY    Stay out of it, Fay.  FAY    That's a lot of blood, Rusty.  How... how many were there?  RUSTY    Just Mr. Capelli and his bodyguard.  I'm still waiting for the other guys to get back.  You gonna help or just mess me up - like always? FAY    Like always?  Who's the one always comes when you start screaming about guys being after you?  This whole goddamn thing started because you can't keep your hands off an inside flush. [a bad gamble in poker]. RUSTY    Fay, you better leave. FAY    Look Rusty... there's this guy and he - he knows about the book.  I mean he can tell you, he - you gotta listen to him, Rusty - this isn't a joke, l'il bear!  He really - It's worse than you think! RUSTY    Fay, you better leave.  It's gonna get messy real soon.  I don't wanna haveta kill you. FAY    Oh, li'l b--. JORDAN    Ah-hah! [attack noise, not so silly] SOUND    BEGIN STRUGGLE RUSTY    Hey, what? [grunting with exertion] SOUND    FABRIC RIPS, BODY SLAMS INTO SOMETHING HARD. JORDAN    [grunting with exertion] Give me the-- SOUND    FINGERS SKID ACROSS LEATHER.  BOOK DROPS TO THE FLOOR. FAY    No! SOUND    SCRAMBLING, SLAPPING AS THE MEN FIGHT FOR THE BOOK FAY    No!  Get back! SOUND    PAGES FLIP FAY    [Screams in anguish] JORDAN    [screams in agony, but not too clear which man this is] sound    blahlalalalalalalala monster eats Jordan moment of silence FAY    I can't believe you did that.  My own brother.  What kind of a goddam monster are you? RUSTY    [breathing hard, triumphant]  I'm alive Fay.  That's what counts.  I'm the one holding the book. FAY    Rusty, that was the one guy who knew what this stupid freaking thing really is.  And your dumbass book just ate him! RUSTY    STOP SWEARING!  You know I hate it when you do that! FAY    Rusty - I think this has gone waaay beyond my potty mouth.  Give me the book now, or put your goddamned money where your mouth is and feed me to it. RUSTY    [snapped back to reality]  What?  Sissy--? FAY    [under her breath]  Seven... eight nine... RUSTY    I don't wanna haveta kill you, Fay. FAY    [under her breath]  Ten and eleven, oh shit, twelve.  RUSTY    Talk to me sissy bear - why can't you see this is good for me?  You got locks, I finally got something! FAY    [under her breath]  Oh, hell.  [loud]  Bite me you whining little piece of shit.  I am so sick of your weakling ass dragging around behind me.  RUSTY    [shocked] Fay! FAY    Yeah, if it weren't for you and the gigantic hole in your stupid ass pocket, I woulda been free and clear years ago.  Do you know how much goddamn sonofabitch money I have pissed down the freaking drain for you? RUSTY    [getting angry] Fay, stop it! FAY    I am so goddamn sick to the teeth of feeling guilty over you, you puling little ass-wipe, worrying over you and having to run around changing your dirty diapers every time you freaking crap yourself! RUSTY    [almost crying] If -- if I'm all -- all you say, it's your fault, you made me this way! FAY    [hissing] I might have made you weak, but I never made you a murderer - there, you're self-made. RUSTY    I'll make you stop! SOUND    PAGES FLIP FAY    [Gasps, braced] sound    again.  monster.  RUSTY    Hey, what?  No!  Noooo!  I'm the master!  I'm the master---[trails into agonized screams] SOUND    Rusty dies in screaming agony. moment of silence FAY    [sobbing] Goodnight, ...l'il bear.  SOUND    SHE WALKS AWAY music   SCENE 14.    college classroom.  sound    people shuffle into seats.  papers move. TEACHER    [utterly bored] Jackson?  good.  Fay James? FAY    Here. TEACHER    Good. MUSIC STING end

The return of the first manned capsule from space might be a tragedy - but what about the first dogged one?

Earthlings need to adapt to survive in the universe.  But we assume adaptation means moving up the evolutionary chain....

What is consciousness?  What are gods?

What happens when the sun comes up?  What happens when it doesn't? (Sound editing by barevalue.com)

No jibjab - but good things are happening! Enjoy this story!   (Sound editing by barevalue.com)

Sound editing by Daniel Fishbonius!  MUCH THANKS!!! after... 2 years? ... a new tiny bite of story. Hopefully as karaoke opens up, I will be more motivated.  I always do my best work at karaoke Prior episodes here: https://nineteennocturne.libsyn.com/category/Decadence

What if you could make sandwiches in your mind?

Don't visualize on an empty stomach! (part 2 next week!)

A dark story of a time when humans have been made into myrmidons and something else has more self-awareness.

An interesting exercise regime. No jibjab this week.

When your specifications are implausible, and yet somehow all met, it's time to give in.

A story of brain-melding.  I think I was a bit sleepy....

Some men are made for space, and others will be left behind. TW - racism

Scary kids.   No jibjab this week.  Have a great Day!

In a future where the law is strictly based on technology, what kind of evidence would prove a crime?

Aliens on Earth must pass unnoticed - sometimes it's harder than others. No jibjab this week.  Just too tired.  Have a great Easter!

Inventions are bad enough in adult hands. Yes, the picture is supposed to be a hydrant.

Is that man having trouble with his watch?

An account of an interplanetary big game hunt that goes a bit... awry.

An interesting tone poem about the end of things.

Inventions aren't always useful, and sometimes, they need more room than you have to spare - or sometimes they make more room.

Sometimes a joke is just a joke... right?

A story guaranteed to leave you horizontal.

The Last Supper by T.D. Hamm Translations are so important... and The Old Goat by Charles L. Fontenay A classic story well done - I might have given it away.

A problem with fertility finds a strange rescuer.   JULIE WAKES UP AFTER BEING IN HBERNATION let's hope she doesn't see her shadow and fall back into a coma.

A bunch of people on a bus can't stop the circles their minds are moving in.

Sometimes the best incentive is to tell a man that success will throw him out of a job! Illustrated by SIBLEY

A story more about rarity than actual berries. narrated by "Atomic" Julie Hoverson sound editing by Jimmy "superdad" Robbins   ...and some info on upcoming projects! http://www.gutenberg.org/files/60995/60995-h/60995-h.htm Catch up on The Deadeye Kid before the new episode drops! http://www.19nocturneboulevard.net/all_show_pages/deadeye%20kid/DeadeyeKidmain.htm https://nineteennocturne.libsyn.com/deadeye-kid-taste-of-the-beholder-part-7

A woman finds herself in communication with something ... beyond. This one will make you cry.  It made us cry. Narrated by "Atomic" Julie Hoverson Sound edited by Jimmy "superdad" Robbins   TRIGGER:  injury to animal

A TMZ-like meeting to discuss... current events? ... goes a bit ... weird. Written by Julie Hoverson Mixing and Music by Aaron Emmanuel  

Tommy is a smart kid and knows there's scary things in his house - even if the grownups don't believe him.

from the story by H.P. Lovecraft, adapted for audio by Julie Hoverson. Walter Gilman lives in an ancient boarding house while studying at Miskatonic University.  The room he's in, with its weird angles, gives him the strangest dreams. Sound and mastering by Julie Hoverson Cover art by Thomas Rippert   CAST Walter Gilman                                                  Aaron Brewer Frank Elwood                                                  Kerr Lordygan VOICE                                                              Chris Notarile Circe Wells                                                      Teresa Victoria Keziah Mason                                                  Julie Hoverson Brown Jenkin                                              Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Dombrowski                                              Robyn Keyes Professor Ellery                                                    Mark Kilfoil Desrochers                                                        Karim Kronfli Anastasia Wolejco                                           Tanja Milojevic Detective                                                            Jerry Kokich Doctor                                                               Boyd Barrett Judge                                                           Robert Cudmore Sucreabeille - https://sucreabeille.com Of Witches and Women - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/of-witches-and-women/id1454856471 Mirror World Creations - https://www.mirrorworldcreations.com/ 19 Nocturne Boulevard's Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/19Nocturne

A love letter to a classic of scifi.

It takes a certain kind of man....

A short but sweet Atomic Julie Watch for the first new episode of 19 Nocturne Boulevard coming on October 19!

CORRECTED VERSION - no one told me this was unedited!!!!  just drop me a line!!! Long before The Purge, or even that one episode of Star Trek, a society where people get to take out their frustrations every once in a while.

Where you find war, you find the dead. And then you need a morgue.

The Teeth Within was a nine-part series with Plain Jane and Annie Boddie finding odd things in Victorian London. This is episode 1-4. Episodes 5-9 will follow. This completes the story. THE TEETH WITHIN Plain Jane..................................Beverly Poole Annie Boddie............................Julie Hoverson Gerald St. Jude.........................Gareth Bowley Constable Fields......................Terry Cooper Inspector Drab.........................Anthony D.P. Mann Harry, newsboy.......................Will Watt Watty, apothecary...................Glen Hallstrom Mr. Brown.................................Pete Lutz Miss White................................Megan Lane Hermione St. Jude...................Fiona Thraille Francesca..................................Judith Moore Carlotta......................................Tanja Milojevic Daniel.........................................Benjamin Lind Lakes, valet...............................Jack Kincaid Lord Bimberton......................William King Fenella.......................................Jacquie Duckworth Professor...................................Robert Cudmore Astrid.........................................Risa Torres Tompkins..................................Russell Gold Mr. Greyson.............................Ayoub Khote Mr. Whipple.............................Karim Kronfli Mr. X..........................................Himself ADDITIONAL VOICES Sarah Golding Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Julie Hoverson Russell Gold Jack Kincaid Reynaud LeBoeuf William King Kimberly Poole Written, produced, sound mixing by Julie Hoverson

The Teeth Within was a nine-part series with Plain Jane and Annie Boddie finding odd things in Victorian London.  This is episode 1-4.  Episodes 5-9 will follow. THE TEETH WITHIN Plain Jane..................................Beverly Poole Annie Boddie............................Julie Hoverson Gerald St. Jude.........................Gareth Bowley Constable Fields......................Terry Cooper Inspector Drab.........................Anthony D.P. Mann Harry, newsboy.......................Will Watt  Watty, apothecary...................Glen Hallstrom Mr. Brown.................................Pete Lutz Miss White................................Megan Lane Hermione St. Jude...................Fiona Thraille Francesca..................................Judith Moore Carlotta......................................Tanja Milojevic Daniel.........................................Benjamin Lind Lakes, valet...............................Jack Kincaid Lord Bimberton......................William King Fenella.......................................Jacquie Duckworth Professor...................................Robert Cudmore Astrid.........................................Risa Torres Tompkins..................................Russell Gold Mr. Greyson.............................Ayoub Khote Mr. Whipple.............................Karim Kronfli Mr. X..........................................Himself ADDITIONAL VOICES Sarah Golding Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Julie Hoverson Russell Gold Jack Kincaid Reynaud LeBoeuf William King Kimberly Poole Written, produced, sound mixing by Julie Hoverson

A cold read on air.  What could go wrong? [With a nod and a wink to Robert W. Chambers - he would know why, if he wasn't dead.] Featuring:  Robert Cudmore, Julie Hoverson, Tanja Milojevic, Reynaud Leboeuf, Karin Heimdahl, Barry Haworth, James Leeper and Pete Lutz. Mixing, Editing, and Sound Design by Daniel French of Fishbonius Sound Design. Music composed and performed by Daniel French. Main theme from Kevin MacLeod of incompetech.com

The diary of the very young wife of a very young inventor.

In a near future, crowdfunding and gambling mix. YOU BET MY LIFE Written by Julie Hoverson, sound and mastering by Christopher Green Melvin - Cary Ayers Ruby - Emily Dinwiddie-Cole Dickie, lotto salesman - Michael Hall Tiny Tina - Miranda Hartnell Weldon - Thomas Rippert Mabel - Julie Hoverson

A child learns about life.

Narrated by Julie Hoverson Edited by David Robbins http://www.gutenberg.org/files/60939/60939-h/60939-h.htm

Little Raven finds her way into the citadel, the High Plateau find a room at the inn, and the Kaliki find a way out of jail....

In a future (from 1962) where people identify too closely with their favorite stars, one woman tries to save the world.  

In all our dreams of planetary conquest, we often forget that even the smallest of changes to an ecosystem can have long-range effects!

A magic gun and a mysterious skeleton found near a meteorite landing place can get a fella quite a reputation....

Planting life on otherwise desolate planets should be tightly regulated... right?

All colony ships are meant to arrive, right?

Slowly but surely, the story moves forward. This episode introduces the Emperor and a whole new group from the far High Plateau lands.

Telepathy can be a bummer.

Another bouncy sci fi story!

A park where paedos drop dead, and an investigator who suspects ghostly interference....

Two burglars pick an easy target.... they think.

Do you have a flag?  Without a flag, you can't have a country....!

Cook has Mark all to herself.  Everyone is in cars. Where will they end up?

Some updates, first, then the episode.

An alien adjusts to life with humans.... Narrated by Julie Hoverson Sound editing by David Robbins Art from original artist Kossin

A new Atomic Julie!!

Appolon and Harkhan leave The Pit, and things begin to move in the Capitol of Darcaria.

Finally awake from a long winters nap, Julie is starting to move forward!!!! Watch for more good stuff soon!

For those who find the short episodes unsatisfying, here's half the season to listen to in one go.

A chat at an xmas party turns to pondering the imponderable.

Season finale at episode 20.

Trapped in a place that's no place, subject to the whims of things not human, a group of people do the best they can to figure out the rules and survive.  

Share and share alike only goes so far, even with the oldest friends.

When dealing with an alien race, you have to impress them, right?  Not just make an impression...?

Further developments in "the pit"...

Who can they trust?

What scares the armed forces the most?

The new micro-serial from Julie Hoverson is a sexy fantasy romance intrigue backstabbing epic. This show is intended for mature audiences.

A serial in bite sized episodes, The world of Decadence will slowly unfold.

First episode goes up July 20.  (date change) :)

If you were shipwrecked, what would you sacrifice to get home?

The new series begins on July 15.  

Dinner and Details.

When does a hindrance become a positive?

more secrets.

Being the last one left, will he shut off the lights?

Beware college students bearing weird gifts.

A suspect - er - witness barges into the P.I.'s office to see what the dick knows, but finds only the secretary...

Checking on a colony that stopped responding to calls?  ON a planet with no dangerous animals or predators?  Easy peasy, right?

A recent contest set a challenge for us to write a five page teaser for an audio series that takes Alice in Wonderland and rewrites it in space. So this was my entry - it didn't win. A couple of us who missed the mark decided to put ours together and post them anyway, just for shits and giggles. This is a temp file - I need to add some opening and closing credits, but I wanted to get this up on the date we all agreed on.

What to do if captured and studied by aliens.

Stopping for strangers after dark on lonely country roads might be dangerous.

Minds loose in space, seeking other minds.

The story unfolds....

Another of the Short Sharp Shocks I've been mixing recently....   Be careful what you wish for.   Please Ouija Please Griswold – Tom Taverna Maude – Nila Hagood Edgar – Boyd Barrett Winifrid – Julie Hoverson Nurse 1 – Rhys Torres Nurse 2 – Eleiece Krawiec News 1 – Greg Allensworth News 2 – Regan Lussier

Space is big.  Really big.  And empty.  So who wouldn't get freaked out, being all alone in it?

The 1989 team arrives at the house and something stinks.

I'm finally getting back up to speed! Remember!  Patreons are two episodes ahead - any donation to the show, gets you episodes earlier! https://www.patreon.com/19Nocturne

No seashells, I promise

Working hard to get these back on schedule.

Another of the shorts we worked on in the Sunday livestream (twitch.tv/crazyauntjulie, noon-2 PST) Much thanks to the gaming group that inspired this wackiness!  

A quick look at a very unlucky space traveller.   Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Music by Kevin MacLeod of incompetech.com

In a slightly familiar type of story, a thug from the distant past is bought to an idyllic future because no one does violence any more. (and he doens't know how to use the three seashells!  tee-hee!)

The Night Sucks more.     This is the final episode we finished.  I ran out of time and energy, and Broken eye Books and Clinton Boomer, while being awesome folks, were as shoestring financially as I am, so no hope of this being a "real job" any time soon.  Someday, when I'm rich and idle, we would LOVE to finish this. :) For now, you just have to visit Broken Eye Books and read the hard copy, to find out how this comes out.  Try it!  https://www.brokeneyebooks.com/store/c8/The_Hole_Behind_Midnight.html#/

Skull Games.

Busted!!!

Lapdance!

Shopping Therapy!   As a note - I'm cutting out the ads and extra credits and making compilations of every three episodes for all my Patreon supporters!!! Not a bad time to join as a supporter, eh? :)

The new Body Suit.

Honey Sweet Licks Gentleman's Club. nary a gentleman in sight....

The Scene of the Crime.

One Blink Later

Sealed with AWAK.

The other kind of Funk.

Broken Hipster

Happy Happy VHS.

BAR

meeting the ex.

The culprit is finally caught.   Previous chapters: https://nineteennocturne.libsyn.com/the-eyes-have-it-part-1-of-5-by-randall-garrett https://nineteennocturne.libsyn.com/the-eyes-have-it-part-2-of-5-by-randall-garrett https://nineteennocturne.libsyn.com/the-eyes-have-it-part-3-of-5-by-randall-garrett https://nineteennocturne.libsyn.com/the-eyes-have-it-part-4-of-5-by-randall-garrett

I promised I would upload these here, for posterity.  I have only so much space to use, so they will be spread out among the atomic Julies.  These are from the Hole Behind Midnight by Clinton J. Boomer, that I was trying to dramatize.  I ran out of time, but we got a fair way in, and in  a perfect world would be able to finish it someday. Episode 1 and 2 came out previously: 1:  http://traffic.libsyn.com/nineteennocturne/HBM2_Interview_Posthumous_temp.mp3?dest-id=21914 2:  http://traffic.libsyn.com/nineteennocturne/HBM1_Late_Night_Phone_Call_19Noc.mp3?dest-id=21914

Space pilots can be as lucky as anyone else.

Homing in on the killer, they need every trick in the book.

Why an outhouse?  It's kind of in there.  

The investigation continues and some drastic measures must be used.

Earth isn't always friendly to its far-flung children.

Finally getting back to it.

Assembling the clues to uncover the Count's murderer may be a messy business. 

When longevity makes overpopulation a household thing - a household of dozens crammed cheek-to-jowl - the hope of a little breathing room is all that's left.

In an alternate earth history line, where the Plantagenets never lost the British throne and magic is church (Catholic, of course) sanctioned (but only to carefully vetted and licensed sorcerers), a murderbrings king's investigator Lord Darcy to the scene, accompanied by his forensic sorcerer and physician.

Inventing a substance that could possibly bounce indefinitely was relatively easy.  Stopping it from doing so was not!  

If the same day repeats and you don't realize it, how can you get what you want?

It has come to my attention I never posted the final piece of this. Crazy year, eh? Here's links to 1-6: Part 1:  http://nineteennocturne.libsyn.com/the-taste-of-the-beholder-episode-1-deadeye-kid-6- Part 2:  http://nineteennocturne.libsyn.com/the-taste-of-the-beholder-episode-2-deadeye-kid-6- Part 3:  http://nineteennocturne.libsyn.com/the-taste-of-the-beholder-episode-3-deadeye-kid-6- Part 4:  http://nineteennocturne.libsyn.com/the-taste-of-the-beholder-episode-4-deadeye-kid-6- Part 5:  http://nineteennocturne.libsyn.com/the-taste-of-the-beholder-episode-4-deadeye-kid-6--1 Part 6:  http://traffic.libsyn.com/nineteennocturne/DeK_Taste6_final.mp3?dest-id=21914

Attributed to Jules Verne, but probably written by his son Michel, this story (written in 1895) predicted the far future... HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

An ancient find may mean a new hope!

Communication only works when both sides understand the same basic concepts.

A priestess in a fantasy world faces tragedy.

A genius is dangerous enough, but when the genius is also a child?

Just shows how well we treat our vets returning from space. 

What do you do when you inadvertantly cause property damage? 

Final attack, or meteoric end of the world....?

When the army takes to the water, where has the navy left to patrol?

Weird genius.  Machines that can't exist...

Posting this just for shits and giggles...

A game of hot and cold where dimensions and perception are involved.

When someone takes your money and promises heaven, sometimes you end up taking it.

When is a dream a dream and when is a butterfly really a slime mold?

Not about a cat.  Watch out if you're arachniphobic.

If time and space travel were possible, where would the aliens go?  A cornfield?  or something fun....?

The consequences of a bad fall.

An invader kills your family - and even though you suspect, you can't act - why?

Sometimes people have to be cruel to be kind....

A glimpse of a dreamworld, a vision of the future, or something else entirely?

government trust doesn't go both ways.

Things can be as plain on the nose on your face - but how often do you really LOOK at the nose on your face?

Beyond Pandora by Robert J. Martin and Two Timer by Frederic Brown

Life on another scale entirely.

A new player enters the game...

A taste of Christmas past!

the past comes to life!

Finally getting a bit caught up.

The end of the story of talking to an alien's brain....

Why do we assume only stationary computers - or even useful computers - would be the most likely to independently develop A.I.?

Almost done! Patreon supporters get these ahead of time - join the patreon! patreon.com/19Nocturne :)

by Roger Kuykendall Kids don't know what WON'T work, so sometimes they get unexpected results.  

halfway done. An alien presence can be hard to understand, unless it really WANTS to be heard...

In a world where money has been replaced by a daily point score, what is left to achieve?  Or at least to prove you achieved something at all?

Human - alien communication is trickier than expected...

Telepathy with aliens allows the best exploration.  But what if you miss something dangerous?

Tales of accidental invention....

When everything is replaceable, what makes a man?

Finally finishing off the missing two episodes of the unfinished story... Here's links to 1-5: Part 1:  http://nineteennocturne.libsyn.com/the-taste-of-the-beholder-episode-1-deadeye-kid-6- Part 2:  http://nineteennocturne.libsyn.com/the-taste-of-the-beholder-episode-2-deadeye-kid-6- Part 3:  http://nineteennocturne.libsyn.com/the-taste-of-the-beholder-episode-3-deadeye-kid-6- Part 4:  http://nineteennocturne.libsyn.com/the-taste-of-the-beholder-episode-4-deadeye-kid-6- Part 5:  http://nineteennocturne.libsyn.com/the-taste-of-the-beholder-episode-4-deadeye-kid-6--1 Part 7 is complete and with our Patreon supporters.  I will put it out here in a couple of weeks.

A tale of revenge...

A story told in an odd set of correspondence. I'm... not sure what it's about, actually.

In a strange place, anyone can blend....

Short sharp and shocking. 

The oddity of Lovecraft's work - this is a silly melodrama, rather than a horror story, but still has an odd charm all its own....

Perception is 9/10ths of the law....

Escaping the holodeck isn't easy when a sociopath is running the show!

Long before Star Trek, the healing qualities of a feedback-loop holodeck were posited.  Except in the hands of a solipsistic narcissist, it might go very wrong.

Every experiment in the world cannot prevent the completely unexpected....

Might be happening now - all about protecting our children.

The final fate of the fickle clockworks!

Sometimes what you leave behind isn't as bad as what you run into when running away.

Picking up Hitchhikers can be dangerous, even in the far future....

Jane and Annie have other tasks, and Gerald must still carry off the villain.

An actor teaches an alien to play the role of his life - himself.

Jane and Annie find what's back stage at the clockwork exhibit, while Gerald and the police may have an idea who's behind everything.

What if an alien who wanted to blend in and scout our planet encountered an acting coach?

While writing a book on the superiority of humans to all other so-called intelligent life-forms, an explorer has a bit of a rude awakening.

Jane and Annie try and explain things.

It's a long trek to find life in the galaxy - a nine-year voyage with limited interaction...

Two short stories, one about robot sales and one about being lost in time. The Salesman by Waldo T. Boyd Lost in the Future by John Victor Peterson

Investigating the scene of the crime....

My confusion at the beginning of the month - the RSS feed was supposed to get episode 3, not 4.  too much cold medication.

When we forget what it does, we can still use technology for something....

While Gerald decides to meddle in police business, Jane and Annie take the back way in.

And so it plays out - weakness on both sides, and nothing realistic.

What might women do if they got any sort of control over men?  Treat men the way women have been treated - as sex toys and bartering chips, valued fro nothing but their appearance?  Or even less?

Jane has company, Gerald examines one...

Another take on a possible future....

Gerald seeks excitement, Jane finds a mess on her doorstep... Many thanks to everyone who's come to the livestream where this is being put together.  Every evening 6-7 PST, twitch.tv/crazyauntjulie

You know what they say - beware earthmen bearing anything.

An alien's-eye view of a weird ass annoying world.

What happened that night?  and why doesn't Mark remember?

The premiere episode of a new miniseries with Jane, Annie, and Gerald from Bride of the Minotaur and Splinters of the Gate - put together live during the livestream!  6-7PM PST, twitch.tv/crazyauntjulie 

Betting on the future is a sucker's game.

Some words sound similar and mean very different things - but that doesn't mean they can't work out.

What could it mean when a body is hanging there in public and no one but you seems to notice?

You'll never guess what the rats are.  SMH

You know what they say about non-Euclidian angles....

A heart-warming tale of a man and his rat.

When it absolutely, positively MUST get there on time.... even decades later.

Why is the psychic running?  Why are the "agents" chasing?

The final revelation - what was so horrible?

The descent into the ancient metropolis.

Time travel can make things easier - or much harder.  Depends on which way you go, and how much it takes out of you.

The Australian desert hides horrible things....

In show business, they say never work with kids or animals - but what about monsters?

our hero finds a reason to leave, but cannot get anyone else to vacate.

When shipwrecked, some dream of rescue, while others plan for the worst.

Finally episode 1 comes to the RSS feed!  DON'T FORGET - the more people support us on our Patreon page (www.patreon.com/19nocturne), the faster episodes will come out!  PLUS, Patreon supporters get episodes 1-2 months sooner than regular subscribers, since it's their donations that allow me to make the time to do audio drama again.  

Continued.  Sorry no time to wax eloquent tonight.

A visitor's look at a post-nuclear New York.   Some things never change.

No intro.  Life is still crazy.

Peasley has disturbing dreams - almost like memories - of unimagineable places.

Everyone knows statistics lie. But it helps a lot if you get correct numbers to begin with. A tale of a census that goes horribly wrong.

A man revives from a strange amnesia to find years have passed - and he needs to know what he's done all that time and why.

Not what you'd expect - a couple of kids cook up something unusual...

The conclusion of the story that asks what if the only job left to humans was sales?

If the only job left is sales - the only job for humans - who is left to sell to?

The story is quite short, so I added a couple of samples from books I've done for Audible, and a prose poem cycle from Robert W. Chambers called The Prophet's Paradise, which is odd and generally overlooked, though he's known for originating the King in Yellow.

Every strike must resolve, sometime...

A striking tale of simple robots - or is it a simple tale of striking robots?  

Making rats smarter seems like a good idea, until they're smart enough to escape....

A child in an occupied land finds out the consequences of war.

A child of occupation finds out the truth of war.

Excavating ancient societies can be thrilling.... but who's the excavator, and who's the ancient?

Juvenile delinquency starts early when a ward full of babies is possessed - and what can you do to stop them? Narrated and sound edited by Julie Hoverson

A man has an issue with his writing snake.  (Not a euphemism) Narrated by "Atomic" Julie Hoverson Sound editing by Bill Bowman

If an alien pig can talk, does it make smart bacon?

If every decision might change the world, just stepping through a door could be life-affecting!

What happens when the lights go out?  

Reclamation of lost colonies is tricky work - especially when aliens have been involved.  

A man breaks down doors, but not to get through them.

And this is how half the human race would die out...... (assuming stereotypes of the time, not real people with any diversity)

Men may be from Mars, but the women went there to get away....

When aliens appear, who says they will want to eat people? ;)

A couple discovers that a deal that looks too good - always is.

Spies must be dealt with...

In a future of huge enclosed and isolate communal living spaces, spies must want to "come in" from the cold, right?

Number 12 looks just like you! 

A story from the Twilight Zone - no, literally!

Fishhead's brutal end.

A story that inspired Lovecraft - for the lushness of description, and perhaps the casual racism.

The world is not as empty as one thinks.

In a world where everything, even air, is frozen, any sign of life is a wonder - or a terror,

How to solve the problems of the entire world.  It would work, wouldn't it? yeah, humans are a problem.

written in 1910, but set in 1924, Goliah is a shadowy figure (perhaps the first Bond-style "villain") who forces, under pain of inescapable death, the men who run the world into fixing society.

How much debt to make life worth living?

A full story in one - what happens when aliens come in peace, but land in the wrong place?

The spy is finally revealed! 

Varlets!  Highwaymen!

The Queen visits the palace and plays with a hand of kings and queens ...

Collecting another telepath, the queen wishes to make a progress...

Another telepath?  

Long damn chapters, eh?

Finally a telepath!  One's who's ... functional... mostly.

A side trip to check for telepaths at a DC institution....  with the obvious outcome.

(long darn chapters...) How does this telepathy-detecting machine work? The explanation might amaze you. Or baffle you. Or just make your brain hurt.......

The search for a telepath continues...

An FBI agent's work is never easy. note:  this is a very funny little story from 1962, set a decade in the future, and uses non-PC terminology (a lot) to refer to all aspects of psychiatry, including patients.  If you are easily offended by terms like "imbecile", "nuthouse", and "loon", in a historic and comic context, this is probably not the story for you.

The escape!  ________________________ Next week - Brain Twister (aka, That Sweet Little Old Lady) by Gordon Randall Garrett and Laurence Mark Janifer Written in 1959 (rewritten in '62), but set in the far-flung future of the 1970s, an FBI agent must face an impossible task - he must locate a telepath!

An escape plan might be forming!!!

Escape!!!

BRAINS!!!!

Brains in a tank.  How original - well, it was 1932.

Evil evil plans.  Brains are never good party guests.

Oops.  Ku Sui is sneakier than you think.

On the trail of the evil genius, Dr Ku Sui!!

A Buck Rogers clone, this story from 1932 may venture into some very not PC racial stereotypes, so be warned.  But any tale with a spaceport named "Porno" can't  be THAT bad, right? (I have left in a few editorial comments and bouts of hysterical laughter)

The Conclusion!  Good story, but who could expect any less from Philip K. Dick?  I am definitely adapting this into an episode for the show. On Friday, the new story begins - The Affair of the Brains.  Not as classic.  But more typical of old school sci fi.  A bit of a Buck Rogers style story.  Yes, there will be editorial comments.

Don't forget to check out the radio station at justpasttheautomat.com, and join the subscribers on the Patreon page (patreon.com/19nocturne) to get bonus and advance materials - and, more importantly, help speed the return of more new 19 Nocturne episodes!!!

   

In a war-torn future, robots are the ultimate weapon.  But what if they work too well?

It just keeps going....

Missing kids.... Masterminds... noises.... oh my.

More stuff happens.

Where did Goggles end up?  And where did Dodie go?  And what will happen to Linda?

Social commentary.  Scifi thrives on it.   music from machinamasound.com

The Love of Frank Nineteen by David C. Knight A touching story of rationaloid romance. And Julie gets all choked up. Music from the Footage Firm

A Martian sings for his supper and the elderly go mad.

two stories! Circus by Alan E. Nourse ...read by Rhys Torres-Miller .....music by Highmas Service with a Smile by Charles L. Fontenay ...read by Julie Hoverson .....music by Circus Marcus

Sorry, Wrong Dimension by Ross Rocklynne An average day in the life of a modern 50s housewife, right?  Aliens, monsters and time travelers, check!   Music from Kevin MacLeod of incompetech.com

The finale!!!  Do the Professor and Evelyn escape the fifth dimension?  do Tommy and Smithers survive the mobsters attack?  Does anyone punch Von Holtz in the nose?  (I wish)

Under the mobster's watchful eye, the workers try to reconstruct the apparatus in time!

The Fifth Dimension Catapult by Murray Leinster PART 3   Music by Moondark Project

right angles to right angles to right angles - oh my.

A hipster geek before there were hipster geeks, Tommy Reames drives fast cars plays tennis with the right set, and still finds time to write speculative papers on tesseracts and non-euclidian geometry. so what if someone extrapolates from his work and gets into trouble? Music from Moondark Project

Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} THE GATE TO XORAN By Hal K. Wells from Astounding Stories January 1931.

The final personality implant.

Oops - turns out it's four parts long. :) Hilarious!

a robot and a screenwriter walk into a bar.... not quite, but it's still funny. Part 2 of 3

a robot and a screenwriter walk into a bar.... not quite, but it's still funny. Part 1 of 4   music by Alexander Stamenkovic

The Great Dome on Mercury by Arthur L. Zagat from Astounding Stories, April 1932, as found on Project Gutenberg Music by Kevin MacLeod

Ring Once for Death by Robert Arthur From Amazing Stories March 1954   Music from The Brotherhood.

The final chapter of the Golden Amazons of Venus - and not before time. :)

Almost there.....  

A city under the water, and another somewhere even stranger?  And riding on saddle-dolphins....   

Escape - or is it?

Aha!  torture! and dungeons!  and Evil revealed!

As they sailed into the sun, til they found the sea of green... ...green men, that is!  under the thrall of the lizard people! And their mysterious leader...

The Great Golden City of Larr, ancient history in a short short film, and a traitor in their midst!  Oh my!  

And Episodes 3, 4, and 5 are available at the actual podcast at www.theholebehindmidnight.libsyn.com!

Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} Sorry to be so busy recently.  Here's something for Halloween There is A Family of Gnomes Behind My Walls, And I Swear I Won't Disappoint Them Any Longer by J.R. Hamantaschen read by Julie Hoverson music by The Brotherhood/Doug Bradley

Aha, that's where the amazons come in..... And a beard is a beautiful thing.  

The second, and hopefully successful, spaceflight to Venus is about to take off, with an international (and interplanetary) crew.  

Riya's Foundling by Algis Budrys Loneliness and the search for love and connection strike everyone. Originally published in Science Fiction Stories 1953 and found on Project Gutenberg music from incompetech.com  

A familiar story - a meteorite crashes down, scientists show up, stuff happens, right?  With a twist that might make you think shamalyan - and then say meh. Music by COELHO DE MORAES, which Julie cannot pronounce Including a super short guest story narrated by Rhys Torres-Miller!

Part two of the Black Lamp.  Complete with go-go-gadget patriotic rant! music from The Moondark Project

The Black Lamp by Captain S.P. Meek (part 1 of 2) from Astounding Stories, February 1931, as found on Project Gutenberg   Dr. Bird, from the Federal Bureau of Standards must investigate when vitally dangerous inventions are stolen!  And how were they stolen?  SCIENCE!   Music from Moondark project (by way of Jamendo)

What has been keepign Julie so damn busy? Well, this, for a start.....

The Invader!  by Alfred Coppel When a very alien lifeform lands on earth, bent on conquest, what could possibly stop it?   Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} from Imagination Stories of Science and Fantasy February 1953. Music from the Footage Firm

The Deadly City by Ivar Jorgenson (Paul W. Fairman) Waking up to find themselves in a completely vacated city, several people try to cope. Music from David Bradley/The Brotherhood

The Deadly City by Ivar Jorgenson (Paul W. Fairman) Waking up to find themselves in a completely vacated city, several people try to cope. Music from David Bradley/The Brotherhood

The Deadly City by Ivar Jorgenson (Paul W. Fairman) Waking up to find themselves in a completely vacated city, several people try to cope. Music from David Bradley/The Brotherhood

Guest starring Tiffany Romaine...

Ask a Foolish Question by Robert Sheckley If a computer knows all the answers, how do we find the questions? Music by Footage Firm

A couple of people badgered me on facebook to record this.  Not my fault. The Secret of Kralitz, by Henry Kuttner   (from Weird Tales, October 1936)   But it isn't scifi, so I couldn't put it into Atomic Julie, so it's just going to have to be an extra story. Oh, noes! music from The Brotherhood

Hale and Me Hearties Written by Reynaud LeBoeuf, Produced by Kimberley Poole

A man discovers his friend may have invented something perfect - perfectly deadly!     from Astounding Stories of Super-Science, January 1930 Music by Re-Lab (found on Jamendo)

A woman's answering-machine tells a terrible tale of persecution. Warning - triggers Music by Fabio Santangelo, found on Jamendo Cover art includes: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Panasonic-Anrufbeantworter.jpg

Accidental Death by Peter Baily Regarding an experimental spaceship trip, and the vagaries of fortune. Music by Incompetech.com Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} from Astounding Science Fiction February 1959

The Draw by Jerome Bixby. A wild west tale of the amazing Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} from Amazing Stories March 1954, found on Project Gutenberg Music from Audionautix

The Issahar Artifacts By J.F. Bone The future looks back at its past. Music by Kevin MacLeod of Incompetech.com

No Moving Parts by Murray F. Yaco When technology gets too good, who will fix it?   Read by Julie Hoverson Music from the Footage Firm

Creeps meet creepy in The House on Mulberry Hill! Music by Gregoire Lourme

The Hated by Paul Flehr (Frederick Pohl) Music from the album Taxi Girl (found on Jamendo). Read by Julie Hoverson  

A question of reality. Read by Julie Hoverson Music by Sulatus

Well done and creepy and still with the moments that make you laugh out loud.

The Misplaced Battleship by Harry Harrison Part 2 of 2 Read by Julie Hoverson Music by Gregoire Lourme The original Stainless Steel Rat story - and if you haven't read the SSR books, why the heck not???

The Misplaced Battleship by Harry Harrison Part 1 of 2 Read by Julie Hoverson Music by Gregoire Lourme   The original Stainless Steel Rat story - and if you haven't read the SSR books, why the heck not???

Survival Tactics by Al Sevcik Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} from Amazing Science Fiction Stories October 1958 Music from Footage Firm and Incompetech.com

The first tale of the infamous Philo Gubb, correspondence school deteckative. Music from Archive.org Adapted by Julie Hoverson

The Amazing Mrs. Mimms by David C. Knight, as published in Fantastic Universe August 1958. Read by Julie Hoverson Cover frame by Jesse Willis of SFFAudio Found on Project Gutenberg  

The Flying Cuspidors by V.R. Francis, as published in Fantastic Universe, August 1958. Read by Julie Hoverson Found on Project Gutenberg  

Scream Queen Tiffany Romaine, an aging star of direct to video horror, finds things to not be what they seem at the horror convention "Schlock-O-Con"! Music from the Footage Firm, and Audio Zombie Cover art by Dennis Hager

:)Brown Monkey and British Brown Monkey bring us "The Hound of the Brownskervilles!"

Sherman goes through that awkward phase, and Monkey tries to get a KISS.

Episode 7, "Tales of the Fifth Dimensional Manager" closes out the epic. But don't forget, on the Dick Dynamo page, there's also a comic book and an album of Dick Dynamo music (I sh*t you not) .

Dreams In The Witch-House by H.P. Lovecraft (reading) read by Julie Hoverson music from The Brotherhood

Say it isn't so!

"Is this the End of Dick Dynamo?"

Betcha never saw THIS coming.

Be afraid.  Be very afraid.

Brownie finds a new passion....  making audio dramas. *sigh*

More craziness!

Diamonds may be a girl's best friend - but not when she turns into them!

Another adventure of Team E-O of the world Bugle - seeking news wherever it lies, and lying whenever it doens't! Music by Josh Woodward Cover art by Les Clay

Episode 1 - be afraid.  Be very afraid!!! For those who don't want to wait for the further episodes, they're all here

Brownie and Sherman cross paths with Jamess Bond (yes, two SSes)... Enjoy!

Loosely inspired by a story from O. Henry A "classic sci fi" style retelling of a heartwarming story. Cover art by Charles Austen Miller Music from Enox

THE END

"Oubliette" Isolation and demons and magic, oh my!! Season 1 finale!! WARNING:  Fatal Girl is meant for mature audiences and may contain adult language, sexual situations, and mature themes. Including music from: Deied Strix Icon Girl Pistols Metempsy Daniel Bautista David Bradley, the Brotherhood Circus Marcus Juice Connection Sister Soleil Rauf Khalilov Biocarbon 13 Kassy Key & the Raindoggs Grim Faith Machinamasound.com

Last but one.  Enjoy!

Chapter 4 of Top Story, a dark cyberpunk-ish tale produced by Kim Poole and written by Julie Hoverson. (Dramatized story) Food, News, and.....? Cover art by Brett Coulstock(yes, I know this one is the wrong chapter number, but I didn't want to wait til I had time to make a new one) Music from Deied, Incompetech.com, the Footage Firm, and The Blues Byte Project

The beginning of the final season - Season 3 has only 3 episodes!  Then the show is complete.

Afterlives is a tale of what happens after death, or maybe afterlife....  and it isn't at all what you would expect.

A lazy day in the neighborhood.  Not a tentacle in sight.  Enjoy!

[Sorry!  Been so focused on writing, I lost track of time!!] Afterlives is a tale of what happens after death, or maybe afterlife....  and it isn't at all what you would expect.

Afterlives is a tale of what happens after death, or maybe afterlife....  and it isn't at all what you would expect.

Afterlives is a tale of what happens after death, or maybe afterlife....  and it isn't at all what you would expect.

[my FAVORITE!!! I love Barry!] Afterlives is a tale of what happens after death, or maybe afterlife....  and it isn't at all what you would expect.

"Star Quality" A TV talent show is a nexus of evil.  And there are demons, too. WARNING:  Fatal Girl is meant for mature audiences and may contain adult language, sexual situations, and mature themes. Including music from: Deied Strix Icon Girl Pistols Metempsy Laenn Two Minutes' Hate Dun Kalavrezos Celestial Aeon Project Akungba Yumisekai Zephanie Oblivion Hatemagick Elecmutec David Bradley and the Brotherhood

Afterlives is a tale of what happens after death, or maybe afterlife....  and it isn't at all what you would expect.

Afterlives is a tale of what happens after death, or maybe afterlife....  and it isn't at all what you would expect.

Heartwarming, and somewhat baffling.  Sherman wants a change of job, and tries his paw at Standup comedy.

Afterlives is a tale of what happens after death, or maybe afterlife....  and it isn't at all what you would expect. End of Season 1. posted with permission.

Chapter 4 of Top Story, a dark cyberpunk-ish tale produced by Kim Poole and written by Julie Hoverson. (Dramatized story) Sometimes a wing man is a bad thing.  And sometimes inviting a new friend up for food just means dinner. Cover art by Brett Coulstock(yes, I know this one is the wrong chapter number, but I didn't want to wait til I had time to make a new one) Music from Deied, Incompetech.com, the Footage Firm, and The Blues Byte Project

Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 A bunch of silly stuff from Brownie and Sherman!  Not Lovecraft, but showing the vast range and capability of these virtuosos.  Virtuosi?  Virtuosis? Anyway.  Here it is.

Afterlives is a tale of what happens after death, or maybe afterlife....  and it isn't at all what you would expect. posted with permission.

In the style of a 1930s screwball romantic comedy, a couple is thrown together and must cope. Music by J.C. Pierric (via Jamendo) That Burroughs Guy Gypsy Audio

Afterlives is a tale of what happens after death, or maybe afterlife....  and it isn't at all what you would expect. posted with permission.

Sherm and Brownie move into a new apartment, only to find the neighbors a bit..... deadly.

Afterlives is a tale of what happens after death, or maybe afterlife....  and it isn't at all what you would expect. posted with permission.

[Keep in mind, I'm posting these out of order.] Brown Monkey's "The Call of Cthulhu", where Sherman and Brownie get a mysterious box and end up traveling into the distant reaches of the pacific ocean!

Afterlives is a tale of what happens after death, or maybe afterlife....  and it isn't at all what you would expect. posted with permission.

from the classic collection "The King in Yellow" - often considered an inspiration for H.P. Lovecraft. A painter and his model find something dreadful is stalking them. Music by the Moondark Project

As i threatened, adding another past show to my lineup. Afterlives is a tale of what happens after death, or maybe afterlife....  and it isn't at all what you would expect. posted with permission.

Now that I did it well, Brownie and Sherman take on the classic tale... :) enjoy!

19 Nocturne Boulevard presents The Rats in the Walls Lovecraft's classic macabre tale of madness and family values. Music from the Footage Firm cover art by Julie Hoverson

This is not an official 19 Nocturne thing.  This is not an opinion of any sort. This is a story by Susan Glaspell, published in 1912 (Librivox recording) called HOW THE PRINCE SAW AMERICA   This is my fervent wish for our country (the sentiment, not the chauvinism of the day - just go with it). The cleanup of Sandy made me think of this.  

Exploring the ships left behind by the pirates, disturbing discoveries are made. Cover art by Brett Coulstock

Jack London's earliest published story, from just before 1900. Read by Julie Hoverson Music from Lgor and incompetech.com cover art with help from clipart compiled by Betsi Goutal

A young woman unwittingly drains the life from those around her. Read/performed by Julie Hoverson Music from A-M Classical

More chit chat with our favorite guys!!! Music from incompetech.com and a-mclassical.com

A nightwatchman's job sucks.  Like a drain. [sorry - this summer has been crazy and I kinda forgot there was one i didn't put up]

Oh boy!  Julie's had more computer issues!!! So the cussing has flown thick and fast, and i needed some cheering up. Here's something obnoxious and funny from a new face on the audio drama scene.  Enjoy.  Or hate.  But please come over to audio drama talk and say something, so he knows how you feel! http://www.audiodramatalk.com/showthread.php?t=21185 Gonna try and blog and talk a bit about what's been going on (without too much cussing) soon. And why a picture of cookies?  More to cheer me up.

An artist commune finds inspiration in the oddest place.

"Dead Wet Chicks" WARNING:  Fatal Girl is meant for mature audiences and may contain adult language, sexual situations, and mature themes. Including music from: Deied Strix Incompetech Icon Girl Pistols Metempsy Balam Futurologia Byul Footage Firm Sister Soleil Defence of the Mind GilBill Mister M Cosmos Dream Blues Byte Project RacheEngel Machinimasound.com Seraphic Panoply No More Sisyphus

Enjoy! Fatal Girl 4 is 3/4 done. :)

Almost forgot about these! VANITY is in the world of 1:18, but not necessarily directly connected to the regular story. There's one more, than a couple of unconnected bits from Loopit. That should pass some fo the time til new episodes come!

Some more fun tidbits.  busy busy busy.....

This is it, so far, and we all get to wait for new episodes.  Make sure to email Will and tell him how much you like these and want to hear more - you wouldn't believe how much we writers respond well to praise and adulation! feel free to direct fan mail and encouragement to Will at willrosswriter{at}gmail{.}.com!!

"Baby Love" Alice's nightmares, Hyde's injury and Ken's friends... oh my!! WARNING:  Fatal Girl is meant for mature audiences and may contain adult language, sexual situations, and mature themes. Including music from: Deied Strix Icon Girl Pistols Incompetech.com Juice Connection Project System 12 RacheEngel Behrang Shegarfker Metempsy Grim Faith Black Bones Silence is Sexy Sirio Back ON [I will post links to the music shortly]

Season two, episode 8! Next week will be the season 2 finale, and then we 'll all be waiting on new episodes!  Better make this one last. :) feel free to direct fan mail and encouragement to Will at willrosswriter{at}gmail{.}.com!!

Season 2, Episode 7! feel free to direct fan mail and encouragement to Will at willrosswriter{at}gmail{.}.com!!

Season 2, Episode 6! feel free to direct fan mail and encouragement to Will at willrosswriter{at}gmail{.}.com!!

"Organized Religion" Chiyoko, Alice, and Ken, drawn to a site of mystic darkness, must stop an evil cult from summoning an ancient evil! WARNING:  Fatal Girl is meant for mature audiences and may contain adult language, sexual situations, and mature themes. Including music from: Deied Strix Icon Girl Pistols Incompetech.com Metempsy Amator_szczyzna (via Jamendo) Machinimasound.com Lele Rambelli Lada Laika Giant Squid March On Washington Bruce

A doting uncle attempts to bring some peace to his nephew's toys.(strangely prophetic, given this story was written around a hundred years ago!) Sound and Mastering by Rhys Torres-Miller Scripted by Julie Hoverson Music from archive.org

Season 2, Episode 5! feel free to direct fan mail and encouragement to Will at willrosswriter{at}gmail{.}.com!!

New Midshipmen Madison must prove she has the right stuff.

Season 2, episode 4. Zombies may move slowly, but they grind exceedingly small.... feel free to direct fan mail and encouragement to Will at willrosswriter{at}gmail{.}.com!!

A completely new script (which will end up a regular, though long, episode - or possibly a multi-parter - someday)!!! We read this aloud, with two lovely volunteers, at Crypticon! The sound quality is ... heavily effected by being in a big room, and with some .... issues - but you can hear everything. Take it for what it is, and enjoy!!

Season 2, episode 3. It just keeps moving....  slowly but surely. feel free to direct fan mail and encouragement to Will at willrosswriter{at}gmail{.}.com!!

A classic of American humor. Sound and mastering by Kim Poole cover by Julie Hoverson Music by amclassical.com

oops, my bad - forgot before work today. sorry!!!

Donna Bella and Paul Bette (and Goldy Taylor, who they can't seem to shake) are hired to find a missing person ... the only clue?  A SHOE. Music from Somewhere Off Jazz Street and Incompetech.com

Episode 1 of season 2!

In case anyone missed any of the Season 1 episodes, here's all the links - now catch up quick, because Season 2 is coming in quick and hard. Don't forget to check out the official 1:18 Migration home page! Episode 1 Episode 2 Episode 3 Episode 4 Episode 5 Episode 6 Episode 7 Episode 8 Episode 9

"No Means No" Chiyoko, Alice, and Ken, monster hunters, find themselves facing a horror from beyond reality. WARNING:  Fatal Girl is meant for mature audiences and may contain adult language, sexual situations, and mature themes. Including music from: Deied Strix Icon Girl Pistols Incompetech.com Krzysztof Kurkowski Metempsy Monster Cyborg Razvan Veina

Episode 9!  End of season 1! :)

Episode/chapter 8 feel free to direct fan mail and encouragement to Will at willrosswriter{at}gmail{.}.com!!

This is a collection of bits and pieces of cool stuff I've done in the last couple of years.  Short fillers, extras, stories.  Some of them have been stuck in at the end of blogs, others have never been published. Enjoy!

Episode/Chapter 7!!! feel free to direct fan mail and encouragement to Will at willrosswriter{at}gmail{.}.com!!

Adapted by Julie Hoverson from a story by Tom Curry as publlished in Astounding Stories in 1930. A new exhibit at the museum lets loose something EVIL! Cover art by Charles Austin Miller With voice prep help by Reynaud LeBoeuf Music by Wynn Erickson

Chapter 3 of Top Story, a dark cyberpunk-ish tale produced by Kim Poole and written by Julie Hoverson. (Dramatized story) A fight, a meal, and a kiss - what a first date! Cover art by Brett Coulstock Music from Deied, Incompetech.com, and the Footage Firm

Episode 6...

Episode 5! Enjoy!

A couple who run a little store get made an offer that might save their business... ....or not. Cover by Julie Hoverson Photo by Kimberly Poole Music from Leslie Hunt (album "Your hair is on Fire", on Jamendo)

Episode 4! So glad to hear from all the fans -  both old and new - who are tickled to see this show up and running again!  feel free to direct fan mail and encouragement to Will at willrosswriter{at}gmail{.}.com!!

Adapted by Julie Hoverson from a story by M.R. James A teacher at an exclusive school hides a dark secret...  

Chapter 3! [added!  Don't hesitate to drop a line to Will at willrosswriter {at} gmail {.} com!!]

The Lovecraft 5's fifth story!  Herbert's turn to tell a tale of scientific mistakes.... Adapted by Julie Hoverson from the story by H.P. Lovecraft Music by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Cover art by Julie Hoverson and Brett Coulstock

Episode 2!!! 1:18 Migration was a zombie series that had two seasons (18 episodes), from 2008-2010, and has been on hiatus since. We are super pleased to be able to host these shows, since the producers of 1:18 Migration are rampng up to a new seasonl!!

Chapter 2 of Top Story, a dark cyberpunk-ish tale produced by Kim Poole and written by Julie Hoverson. (Dramatized story) Carrie Stomper finds the only help in a low part of town may be the most dangerous person in sight. Cover art by Brett Coulstock Music from Deied, Incompetech.com, and the Footage Firm

1:18 Migration was a zombie series that had two seasons (18 episodes), from 2008-2010, and has been on hiatus since. We are super pleased to be able to host these shows, since the producers of 1:18 Migration are rampng up to a new seasonl!! Here is the first episode!  Enjoy!

Produced by Tanja Milojevic (Lightning Bolt Theater of the Mind) That late night character that just won't let go?  Could be worse!!! Music by Wynn Erickson Adapted by Julie Hoverson

In France, some years after The Great War, a group of expatriot British soldiers finally get revenge on their betrayers - in a most gruesome display. Music by MG Rizzello Cover art by Julie Hoverson An homage to the theatrical stylings of the Grand Guignol theater movement, and with a wink and a nod to the Books on the subject written by Richard Hand and Michael Wilson. Grand-Guignol - The French Theatre of Horror London’s Grand Guignol and the Theatre of Horror -

Still recovering from the pirate attack, the crew of the Drake makes a few discoveries. Written by Kimberly Poole Music by Kevin MacLeod cover art by Brett Coulstock

[YES!  WE're BACK!!!] A family car ride in the 1950s turns.... dark. Music by David Jordan Cover by Julie Hoverson

Chapter 1 of Top Story, a dark cyberpunk-ish tale produced by Kim Poole and written by Julie Hoverson. (Dramatized story) Carrie Stomper, a lowly minion for a news corp, gets lost in a bad part of town.... Cover art by Brett Coulstock Music from Deied, Incompetech.com, and the Footage Firm

Produced and narrated by Julie Hoverson with Jennifer Dixon and Fiona Thraille Satiric melodrama about the consequences of gambling!!  oh horrors!! Music by A-M Classical

The aftermath of Christmas.... Mixed by Kimberly Poole Music by A_M classical Cover by Julie Hoverson

In a return to the world of zombies... Deep in the bowels of Tammuz Corproations, recovering form the drawbacks of a previous CEO's conversion, Scientists are perfecting a new way to control unliving workers.

A ghost that haunts Christmas?  Why not? Mixed by Scott Pigg Music by Kevin MacLeod Cover art by Julie Hoverson

Theo and Leona (from "Cultists Stole my Baby!") return with another big scoop - this one involving popstar Baby Dali! Cover art by Julie Hoverson Music by Josh Woodward and Reju

Three stories intersect at a wax museum. An homage to Amicus Anthology films. Music by Normal 0 MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"MS Mincho";} Coelho De Moraes - Edipo Tirano Cover art by Julie Hoverson

Tea and company leads to a change of scenery! Written by Saki, adapted by Julie Hoverson Sound and engineering by James Sedgwick of Scattered Sounds Productions Music by A-M Classical cover art by Julie Hoverson

When a strange man drifts into town, things might get a little ... hairy Music by Tom Cusack of Leafy Lane Productions Cover art by Charles Austin Miller

Couldn't let Halloween pass without reading another great story from H.P. Lovecraft. The Unneameable Two guys talk ghosts while sitting on an antique grave. Read by Julie Hoverson Music by Kevin MacLeod Cover by Brett Coulstock

The Dunwich Horror by H.P. Lovecraft adapted by Julie Hoverson part 4 of 4 All hell tries to break loose! Full cast list and info at the main page Music by Kevin MacLeod Cover art by Julie Hoverson

Colonist story #2 "Bad Timing" takes place concurrently with previous episodes "All Hands on Deck" and "It's a Life". Written by Reynaud LeBoeuf Produced by Kimberly Poole Cover art by Brett Coulstock Music by Kevin MacLeod

The Dunwich Horror by H.P. Lovecraft adapted by Julie Hoverson part 3 of 4 Armitage collapses!  The police arrive! [Part 4 comes out the day before Halloween.] Full cast list and info at the main page Music by Kevin MacLeod Cover art by Julie Hoverson

A classic descent into madness.  Considered one of the first truly "female" horror stories. Performed and produced by Julie Hoverson Music by A-M Classical cover art by Julie Hoverson (with help from Dennis Hager)

The Dunwich Horror by H.P. Lovecraft adapted by Julie Hoverson part 2 of 4 Arriving in Dunwich, our heros meet the locals - and tragedy strikes! [Episodes will podcast each successive Sunday, with part 4 coming out the day before Halloween.] Full cast list and info at the main page Music by Kevin MacLeod Cover art by Julie Hoverson

The Dunwich Horror by H.P. Lovecraft adapted by Julie Hoverson part 1 of 4 In the 1920s, a trio of professors uncover something nasty in the backwoods town of Dunwich. Episodes will podcast each successive Sunday, with part 4 coming out the day before Halloween. Full cast list and info at the main page Music by Kevin MacLeod Cover art by Julie Hoverson

A no-tell motel is a prime location for violent crime. WARNING - violence, foul language, and MATURE THEMES Music by Conspiracy Cover art by Dennis Hager

A quick humorous narrative of a weddin', from around 1911. Performed by Julie Hoverson Music from A-M Classical Cover art by Julie Hoverson and Dennis Hager

The demon Beelzebud returns to pester sisters Rena and Matilda... [sequel to Force Majeure] Music by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Cover art by Julie Hoverson Cameo from Super Haunted Stories

A classic-era caper tale of con artists and gentlemen thieves... Music by Latche Swing (found on the Free Music Archive) Cover art by Julie Hoverson and Steve Guy

A question of semantics - do women actually "shop"? Performed by Will Watt Music from A-M Classical Cover art by Julie Hoverson and Dennis Hager

A man marries a woman who really wants his body.... Adapted by Julie Hoverson from the story by H.P. Lovecraft Music from the H.P. Lovecraft Literary Podcast

Three men, chained in a dungeon!  Beautiful women in peril!  An evil genius!  Villianous minions! Warning - mature themes and violence.  The Shudder Pulps were not for the squeamish. Music by Conspiracy Cover art by Brett Coulstock Thanks to Vault of Evil for twisting my brain and making me write this.  You know who you are, Demonik!

A story of marital strife, from Saki (H.H. Munro). Narrated by Julie Hoverson Also heard:  .....Egbert - Glenn Hallstrom .....Lady Anne - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Music from A-M Classical Cover art by Julie Hoverson and Dennis Hager

A girl living in a haunted house must find a way to protect her way of life.. Music by Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Cover art by Dennis Hager

Return to the fairy tale world of B&B Investigations, where Paul Bette and Donna Bella investigate the oddest crimes... Music by Somewhere Off Jazz Street Cover art by Brett Coulstock

The beginning of a new  monthly series, presenting dramatic and humorous stories from a time long gone by. A Marriage Has Been Arranged (1904) is a one-act play from Alfred Sutro. Sound mastering by Lothar Tuppan Cover art by Julie Hoverson and Dennis Hager

(Inspired by a story by Edgar Allen Poe) The pranks of a group of frat boys turn every hand against them. Music by Persson Cover art by Dennis Hager Thanx to Glen Hallstrom for sound help!

The "Lovecraft 5" - Warren, Herbert, Charles, Edward, and Richard - gather again for another night of tall tales.  Tonight, Warren regales the group with a history of a noble house that ... went downhill. Loosely adapted by Julie Hoverson from a story by H.P. Lovecraft Music from the Skidmore College Orchestra (as found on MusOpen) Cover by Brett Coulstock

The beginning of a parallel series, Colonist Stories, "It's a Life" takes place concurrently with previous episode "All Hands on Deck" as colonist children learn about how things work - and, more importantly, why. Written by Reynaud LeBoeuf Produced by Kimberly Poole Cover art by Brett Coulstock Music by Kevin MacLeod

Young officer Danny Maguire, monitoring tapes of wiretaps on a notorious gangster, becomes obsessed with the voice of a mystery woman. Cover art by Brett Coulstock Music by Hugo 'Droopy' Contini (via Free Music Archive) and Kevin MacLeod

Normal 0 MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";} ONE OUT OF TEN Adapted by Julie Hoverson from a short story by J. Anthony Ferlaine  (published in Fantastic Universe, November 1956)  As found on Project Gutenberg. Sound and mastering by Neil Gustin of Twilight Audio Theatre Parlor quiz - the latest and greatest trivia game show - plays host to a very strange contestent indeed! Cover by Brett Coulstock Music by Kevin MacLeod