Are you tired of feeling like an accidental jerk in your relationships? Do you find yourself oscillating between anxious attachment and avoidant behaviors? You're not alone. In this episode, Tracy candidly shares her personal journey as an anxious-avoidant, exploring the complex push-pull dynamic that many experience in relationships. Struggling between the desire for connection and the fear of vulnerability, she dives deep into the root causes of anxious-avoidant behavior, offering relatable insights and practical advice to help listeners break free from these self-sabotaging patterns. Tracy also provides a roadmap for those navigating this challenging attachment style, highlighting strategies for healthier relationships. Whether you're single, dating, or committed, this episode equips you with tools to stop pushing people away and start building the connections you truly desire. Key Insights from this episode: * How childhood experiences shape adult relationships * The role of guilt and shame in fueling attachment patterns * Strategies for challenging emotional unavailability and self-sabotage * Techniques for practicing radical honesty and staying present * Building genuine self-acceptance and lasting relationship change "The most freeing thing you can do as an anxious avoidant is to be honest about your emotional space right at this moment. Stop telling stories and start telling the truth about yourself." ~ Tracy Crossley

Have you ever felt torn between your true passions and the expectations of others? In this episode, Tracy sits down with frequency healer and quantum coach Paget Kagy, who shares her inspiring journey from aspiring actress to spiritual guide. Paget opens up about her childhood dreams of being an artist, the pressure to pursue a "practical" path, and the family tensions that arose as she tried to follow her heart. She recounts the challenges of navigating her "dark night of the soul" and the powerful moment of realization that transformed her life: "You are the creator of your reality." This profound shift led Paget to embrace her true calling as a healer, helping others clear energetic blocks and align with their higher purpose. Tune in for an uplifting and transformative conversation about breaking free from limitations and stepping into your authentic self. Key Insights from Paget's Journey: * The struggle of balancing creative passions with societal expectations * How hitting rock bottom can lead to profound spiritual awakening * The importance of taking full responsibility for your life circumstances * Discovering your true purpose through inner work and self-reflection "Most people think life is happening to them, but the real shift comes when you realize you are the creator of your reality—everything changes when you take responsibility for your energy and your life." ~ Paget Kagy

Have you ever felt like you're stuck in an endless cycle of personal growth, constantly facing new challenges? You're not alone. In this episode, I share my recent experiences with multiple "dark nights of the soul" and how they've shaped my understanding of attachment and personal development. I know that spiritual awakening isn't a one-time event, but a continuous journey. It's like progressing through levels in a video game, with each new stage presenting tougher obstacles. By sharing my own vulnerabilities, I hope to inspire you to embrace your journey, no matter how difficult it may seem. Remember, no one is coming to save you - and that's a good thing. Your journey is uniquely yours, and every challenge is an opportunity for growth. Are you ready to face your own dark night of the soul? Key Insights from this episode: *Understand that multiple "dark nights" are normal and part of growth *Recognize attachments to outcomes and ideas of "arriving" *Learn to be present with uncomfortable emotions *Take emotionally risky actions and what it means for success “Nobody is coming to save you, and that's a damn good thing.” ~ Tracy Crossley

Ever wondered why some relationships feel like a constant uphill battle while others seem effortlessly smooth? Join Tracy and she sits down with dating coach and author Evan Marc Katz to explore the intricacies of modern dating and relationships. Evan shares his journey from aspiring screenwriter to becoming a renowned dating expert, offering a unique perspective on finding love in the digital age. We discuss the common pitfalls of online dating and how to navigate them effectively. Key Insights from Our Conversation: * The truth about "easy" relationships and why good partnerships shouldn't feel like hard work * How our attachment styles influence our dating choices and relationship patterns * The importance of expanding your vision when searching for a partner online * Why consistency and progression in communication are crucial indicators of a healthy relationship * The role of self-worth in attracting and maintaining healthy partnerships Whether you're navigating the complexities of online dating or seeking to improve your current relationship, this episode offers valuable insights to help you find and nurture a loving, lasting partnership. Don't miss out on Evan's free gift - a special report on "Seven Massive Mistakes You're Making in Dating" available at evanmarckatz.com (use the code "freedom" to access). "The best relationships are marked by a lack of anxiety. It's not about finding someone perfect; it's about finding someone who makes you feel safe, heard, and understood." ~ Evan Mark Katz

Ever feel like you're caught in a never-ending cycle of caring too much about things that don't really matter? You're not alone. In this episode, we're going to explore the fascinating world of attachment and how it impacts our relationships, self-worth, and overall happiness. I'll share my personal journey from being consumed by attachment to finding true freedom. We'll discuss why caring about attachment is a waste of time and how to shift your focus towards self-love and compassion. Key Insights You'll Gain: * The root cause of attachment and its impact on your “entire” life * What is self-responsibility and how it helps you break free from attachment * How to stop giving others control over your emotions * Do you know how to sit with your feelings without judgment? Listen in. * Ways to build true confidence and attract healthier relationships "Attachment is a distraction from the lack of love you have for yourself." ~ Tracy Crossley

Someone makes an off-handed remark and you bristle. Or they criticize you and you go into full-blown defensive mode before you dissolve into a million pieces. Why does this happen? Why are you so sensitive to some things while others slide off your back? You react when there is some truth in what was said; a truth you don’t want to admit to yourself, let alone have it pointed out by another person. When they call it out you become awash with shame. Shame is a VERY uncomfortable emotion to deal with so instead of feeling it, you deflect, attack, avoid or blame. Maybe your friend says you can’t be alone, which is why you’re always jumping from one bad relationship to the next. If that’s not true, there would be no reaction. Nothing would be triggered inside of you. But if you strike back and/or want to crawl into a hole… that’s a sign. Shame is talking and it’s time to listen. In this week’s podcast we’re talking about how to deal with criticism and shame. It’s hard to see the unsavory or unlikeable parts of yourself, but acknowledging those parts is the road to self-love, self-acceptance and emotional freedom. When you own your actions and feel the shame, you open the door to healing. No one likes criticism, but it can be an incredibly powerful tool for growth. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Put on your cape and open yourself to all sorts of criticism. Own what’s yours and let it flow through you. Remember you have your magic cape!

Do you choose love, or are you waiting to be chosen? Maybe you believe love has forgotten about you, or it’s reserved for other, more “deserving” people. Instead of opening yourself up to it, you ruminate on what you don’t have, believing you’re being punished by some mysterious force. That, my friends, is playing the love victim. Love is actually a choice, but to get there, you have to see how your actions are working against you to create what you don’t want. Shame around being single, negative beliefs that say you’re not good enough and fear of abandonment all contribute to feeling like love isn’t available to you. And when that’s what you believe, you’ll pick partners who support that belief; it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. In this week’s podcast I’ll challenge you to look at your situation as an observer to zero in on what you’re choosing to create. Yes, CHOOSING. Having love starts with owning your choices and deciding to make new ones. If everything is a choice, why not choose love?

You consider yourself a strong person. When a challenge presents itself, you tackle it head-on. People come to you for answers because you always seem to have them. You pick others up when they fall. You’re reliable and trustworthy. But to be that pillar of strength, you push your emotions aside because you can’t be someone else’s hero if they see a crack in your armor. And therein lies the problem. We have been brought up to believe that giving is strong and receiving is weak. But that’s backwards. Asking for help and being able to receive takes courage. Allowing others to see you as human is what strong people do. In this week’s episode I’ll challenge you to explore why being “strong” is important to you, and where you struggle to receive. Because you can’t give or receive love freely if you’re emotionally shut down. When you open your heart to others and allow them to see your vulnerability, you radiate strength. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) The hole in your suit of armor is inside of you. Allow it to exist without being strong so you connect with yourself and others.

How much time do you spend complaining about problems and/or fixing them? You finally join the country club, but you can never get the tee-time you want, the food is bland and all the members are annoying. Or you criticize your co-worker for doing a project “wrong,” then take it over and do it yourself because no one can measure up to you. This, my friends, is classic avoidance. When your focus is on problems outside of you, it lets you off the hook to address what’s happening INSIDE of you. When you don’t trust life or other people, you work harder to control things, including solving problems that don’t exist. And when you criticize everything under the sun, you are resistant to change and growth. These are signs of unhappiness. In this week’s episode we’ll look at your expectations of others and why they exist. You will also be challenged to stop solving problems for one day to see what happens when you allow life to unfold without judgment or control. Problems are everywhere, but they don’t have to become your problems. Instead of focusing on them, you can learn to trust that things will work out without your interference. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) You can be a martyr or problem-solver, but neither will open you up to happiness.

Join Tracy as she dives into an inspiring conversation with Katia Stern, a transformational speaker and bestselling author who redefines what it means to live a bold, audacious life. Together, they explore how to let go of societal expectations, embrace your true self, and live a life that makes you say, "Wow!" Whether you're looking to make a big life change or simply want to feel more empowered in your everyday decisions, this episode offers the tools and mindset shifts you need. Key Takeaways: * Embrace audacity: Learn how to make bold decisions that can lead to life-changing experiences. * Redefine failure: See every experience as a lesson and redefine what success looks like for you. * Prioritize self-love: Understand the importance of setting boundaries and focusing on your own growth. * Empower your presence: Discover how to show up confidently and powerfully in all areas of your life.

People always want to know if they should leave their job or their relationship or whatever situation they are unhappy with. Shouldn’t they cut their losses? Isn’t it better to chase the next bright shiny object? The problem is, when people DO make that change, they tend to repeat the same pattern in their next job or next relationship, and they become increasingly frustrated that nothing ever changes. So what’s the solution? Stay longer than is comfortable. Your inability to stick with situations or relationships long enough to learn from them is what keeps you stuck. Without standing still and being present, you just perpetuate the pattern of cutting bait too soon, chasing what’s next, then convincing yourself this is just who you are. It’s a false story. In this week’s episode I challenge you to stay just a little bit longer than you want to. Because getting excited about the next possibility will eventually wear off and you’ll be in this same spot once again. When you’re curious about why you’re here and why staying is so uncomfortable, you get to some deeper truths that open the window to change. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Give up the bright shiny object to stay with the old socks until you are deeply moved to grow by knowing what attracted you to the old socks in the first place.

Are you feeling unfulfilled or stuck after a major life change? Join Tracy as she speaks with fashion designer and entrepreneur Tara Marino, where their conversation will reignite your passion and help you rediscover your wholeness. In this episode, Tara shares how embracing all aspects of her identity transformed her pain into purpose. You'll learn how to shift your mindset, align with your deepest desires, and live more authentically by shedding societal expectations. Tune in for insights and inspiration to overcome adversity and fully embrace who you are. Here's what you'll take away from this episode: * How to embrace your multidimensionality instead of compartmentalizing yourself * Tara's mindset shift for transforming pain into profound growth and purpose * Insights on aligning your actions with your deepest desires, even when they don't make "logical" sense * The freedom of shedding societal expectations to live more authentically "Stop asking why and start asking how. How are you going to allow this experience to affect the rest of your life?" – Tara Marino

Think about something in your life that you continually complain about. Maybe it’s a partner who won’t commit, or your inability to get past a first date. Do you feel defeated and/or concerned you can’t have what you want? As with many things, it boils down to a lack of self-worth. If you believed in yourself, you wouldn’t worry so much. By contrast, look at the things you don’t sweat. Maybe it’s constructive feedback at work or squabbles with a family member that happen over and over, but don’t get you down. Whatever it is, if it’s something you do well or aren’t afraid of losing, you’re usually not concerned about it. The areas where you DO get wrapped up in concern are what you want to pay attention to. In this podcast we’ll look at what you get hung up on, believing it’s elusive, and why. Awareness will help you stop the behavioral patterns that can lead to self-sabotage. Because you ARE capable of handing life, even when it doesn’t go the way you want.

Ever feel like you're just going through the motions, disconnected from your true purpose? Join Tracy, as she speaks with Chris Cirak, an author, speaker, and meditator with over 25 years of experience in design, tech, business, and entrepreneurship. Chris vulnerably shares his journey from a life of external success to a profound spiritual awakening that shattered everything he knew. You'll hear how he courageously navigated the "dark night of the soul" to emerge as a guide helping others react less and thrive more. With an eclectic background spanning design, psychology, and tech, Chris masterfully translates ancient wisdom into accessible experiences. His unique perspective reminds us that our challenges can become the very gifts we have to offer the world. In this episode, you’ll learn: *Practical tips for bringing mindfulness into your daily routines through attention to detail *Insights on embracing your authentic voice and connecting with your true calling *A glimpse into Chris's transformative retreats cultivating inner shifts through conscious living

Do you say to yourself (or others) that you are the prize, and your partner is lucky to have you? And do you actually believe it, or is it just false bravado? Maybe you overcompensate for your true feelings that you don’t measure up by working hard to “be the prize.” Or you go the other direction and withdraw because deep down you not only believe you’re NOT the prize… you feel completely worthless. Whichever road you take, you’re causing drama and sabotaging your relationships. In this week’s podcast we explore what’s behind this diminished sense of value and how to build yourself up so you feel worthy and deserving of love. It starts with unraveling your shame and self-judgment, then feeling it instead of minimizing it (yep, you’ve gotta there). I’ll walk you through a few steps to get you started. Shame is a tough emotion to allow, but you are more resilient than you think. And it’s worth this deep work because once you start believing you really are a gem, you’ll attract someone who believes it to. Here are just a few key insights you'll gain: * How to stop creating unnecessary drama and chaos in your life * Techniques for treating yourself with kindness and self-compassion * Steps to take empowered actions that align with your self-worth * Ways to overcome the fears holding you back from living as your best self

Join Tracy and she speaks with Amina Altai, a holistic business and career coach. Amina shares her journey that prompted her to shift her focus to wellness marketing and develop a unique coaching program. Amina discusses her upcoming book, "The Ambition Trap," the conversation highlights societal biases, the power of intuition, and the transformative experience of pursuing one's true passions. What you’ll learn in this episode: * How to align ambition with purpose * The hidden biases impacting career choices * Overcoming burnout and chronic illness * Insights from Amina's upcoming book 'We have one life to live; let your soul speak when it comes to work. Give yourself permission because it changes life for you and has a ripple effect on your family, community, and the whole world.' ~ Amina AlTai

Attachment impacts your life, everyday and in ways you may not realize. Drawing from personal experiences and client stories, it’s all about YOUR beliefs, you weren’t born insecurely attached. Learn what it means to be self-aware, rely on your inner wisdom and change how you feel and the state of your relationships. Let’s break free from limiting beliefs and embrace personal empowerment. Get ready to question your feelings, uncover the root causes of your emotions, and move towards authentic living. What You'll Learn in This Episode: * The impact of attachment on your relationships and daily life. * How to distinguish between reactive beliefs and true inner wisdom. * Techniques for managing and understanding visceral emotional reactions. * Become self-determined, build confidence, and respect yourself. * The importance of curiosity and openness in personal growth. * How to break free from limiting beliefs and embrace personal empowerment.

Allana Pratt, an intimacy expert joins Tracy, where she shares her transformative journey from a small-town Canadian girl to a renowned coach! She recounts the profound impact of losing her best friend at 16, which set her on a path of spiritual awakening and self-discovery. Allana also discusses overcoming abusive relationships and the importance of healing trauma. As you listen to Allana's resilient journey, you'll gain: • Insights into befriending your body and emotions • Understanding true intimacy - with yourself and others • Your breakthrough to thriving relationships is inevitable • Doing the courageous inner work to become radiant and whole "Our bodies are conscious, divine, and beautiful, and we need to honor them as such." - Allana Pratt

Feeling trapped in the same day on repeat? You really want so much more, a healthy relationship, work, and a feeling of peace in being alive. But, perhaps you go through the motions, but never truly break free from what feels like a prison.I lived there for years and kept waiting for things to change, but they didn’t, til I did. Join me as I talk about the profound shift that allowed me to manifest a life of freedom, joy, and authentic alignment. Discover how four simple words—"I don't have to"—unlocked my prison door, and then the HOW for my next steps. In this episode, you’ll discover: * Exercises for getting out of your head, the gateway to miracles * Get rid of fear-based choices and trying to control what you can’t * My path of overcoming attachments and becoming curiosity * Stop forcing things from lack and allow the universe to support your desires

Join Tracy as she chats with Summer McStravick who opens up about her early dreams of opera, a health crisis that rerouted her career, and her foray into publishing. Despite setbacks, including a failed literary magazine, Summer's resilience shines through. She candidly shares her journey into personal growth coaching and the creation of Flow Dreaming, an emotional strength-building technique. From working with Louise Hay to authoring "Stuff Nobody Taught You," Summer's story is a testament to adapting and thriving through life's pivot points. What You Will Learn: * Recognizing and embracing life’s pivot points. * Techniques for manifesting and achieving your goals using Flow Dreaming. * Using emotional strength and inner wisdom to overcome obstacles. * Real-life stories on reinventing yourself after setbacks. Life will continue to support me. It always has. I can't cherry-pick this and say the good things support me and the bad things betray me. It just supports me, whatever I do. ~ Summer McStravick

Ever notice the nightmare stories in your mind are not a fairy tale, but you somehow attach a “happy ending” to them? Let’s get into the profound impact of these narratives on our lives. She talks about the path of the fairy tale shaping our expectations and leading us into a skewed fantasy world. Tracy shares her own experiences, and what to do to have a REAL happy ending. What You Will Learn: * How personal fairy tales create unrealistic expectations and a victim mentality. * The impact of societal narratives on personal relationships and self-worth. * Learn to rewrite the stories we tell ourselves. * Being curious and vulnerable to get what you want.

What is your truth? It’s talked about by so many of us and it seems elusive. Executive Coach Liz Tran shares her insights, and how to get off the wheel of following someone else’s idea of you being your authentic self. In this conversation Liz gets real about her own winding path from poverty and trauma to outward "success" that ultimately felt hollow. You'll be moved by her vulnerability in sharing how she overcame a scarcity mindset, tuned into her inner wisdom, and summoned the courage to blaze her own trail. Here's a glimpse of their dialogue: * How human design awakened new levels of self-awareness * Liz shares overcoming self-doubt and societal conditioning * Simple exercises to build a relationship with yourself * Inspiration for taking your own terrifying-yet-liberating leap of faith * A refreshing reminder that you're worthy of joy

Freak out mode, ever experienced it? Emotional outbursts or shut downs, the ol’ silent treatment sound familiar? I know for years when things didn’t go my way–I was great at being a stone wall and ignoring. Just like most conditioning, the way we react when triggered may not have changed too much in those moments of stress or conflict. I know the feeling of fight, flight or freeze mode would automatically without thought propel me into a reaction. And then I’d feel bad afterwards or even while acting in this way, wanting to control the situation (yes, control). In this episode, Tracy Crossley explains why emotional maturity often lags behind intellectual maturity, tracing these reactions to early attachment patterns and unmet needs. She shares her own journey and offers a three-step process for emotional growth: awareness, feeling your feelings, and taking emotionally risky actions. By embracing discomfort, you can respond from a grounded, adult state instead of a triggered, childlike one. Tune into this episode to: • Learn why you still react like you are five when upset and the root causes • Gain actionable advice to grow up emotionally through self-work • Hear Tracy’s personal examples of her emotional immaturity and growth • Understand how to show up emotionally mature with difficult people • Get the 3 steps to end relationship intensity and anxious/avoidant patterns

Tracy hangs out with Dr. Karin Luise, an award-winning author, speaker, and spiritual guide on this episode. Together, they dive into personal evolution, spiritual awakening, and overcoming life's challenges. From unraveling childhood traumas to navigating spiritual gifts, Dr. Karin shares her story with humor and wisdom. Check out how to shed limiting beliefs, embrace your intuitive power, and step boldly into your most authentic self. Tune in to uncover: * Release guilt, destructive conditioning, and limiting beliefs * Signs from beyond that indicate your loved ones are trying to communicate * Why everything that happens is meant to lead you to radical self-love * How to tap into dormant inner wisdom when you feel lost or overwhelmed * The keys to recognizing your core essence as energetic “light” vs the heavy conditioning imposed on you

Sometimes we don’t realize our only issue is our patterns. We fight to stay where we are, even while saying, “nooooo I want out or to change.” You can break free and feel totally different in the process. In this podcast, listen to the familiar trap of avoidance and emotional neglect that we are used to but may not be aware we are creating. Not only is it about drilling deep but what to do with your feelings as signposts for change. This episode is not just a listening experience but an opportunity to surrender and stop fighting to stay. In this episode, listeners will: * See how you cling unconsciously to situations that don't serve you * Pay attention to what an avoidance pattern looks like * Yes, your wisdom is tied into your feelings, so don’t suppress them * Why courage aligned with your highest self matters Feelings are not just emotions; they're signposts, guiding you to what’s buried deep within. ~ Tracy Crossley

Tracy brings back Robbie Kramer, the mastermind behind revolutionizing the dating scene for men without the gimmicks. Robbie shares insider tips on turning simple interactions into a relationship while growing your inner confidence without the fluff. In this episode, you will be able to: * Master the art of building a social circle for dating success and expand your opportunities for meaningful connections. * Overcome avoidant attachment in dating and be ready for more fulfilling relationships. * Craft irresistible online dating profiles * Become a host for parties to create an environment for genuine connections * Becoming emotionally available and what it looks like

Everyone talks about how to value yourself. So how do you do it when it matters? Explore the liberating journey as Tracy breaks down your barriers of expectations and needing validations. Are you ready to dig into your feelings, wrangle deep-seated beliefs, and learn self-importance that doesn't rely on others? Then listen in today. In this episode, you will be able to: *Embrace fulfilling relationships (first with yourself). *Breakthrough barriers to love and for growth. *Attract and maintain healthy relationships. *Elevating self-importance for personal growth “You want to get to the point of feeling important because you breathe” ~ Tracy Crossley

Most of us have periods in our lives where it feels like everything is a shit show. You feel like the universe is conspiring against you and no one is on your team. Even when people do try to help by offering advice, it annoys the crap out of you. Then, on top of it all, you feel wrong in your feelings because you think you should be able to rise above it. Society says to buck up and be positive! When life happens and you start going down the rabbit hole, it’s ok to stay there for a moment, but you do not want to get stuck there. Wallowing for weeks (or longer) is a victim pattern you need to look at because YOU are the one keeping yourself there. Your active participation in your life matters. When you blame other people, or the universe, for what’s happening, you stay buried in that hole. In this week’s podcast I share my personal experience with loss and my husband’s illness. During the last 18 months I have been challenged to surrender and find happiness even while surrounded by tragedy. It is not easy, but you can choose to accept what’s going on, take responsibility for your part, feel what’s happening and move the heck forward. It really is a choice, and I’ll show you what worked for me. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) You can be an action-taking victim, or you can decide to be an action-taking authentic human being who is happy.

Are you caught in the relentless pursuit of perfectionism, tirelessly trying to meet others' expectations at the expense of your own well-being? You're not alone. This podcast dives into the common struggle many face: the battle against the compulsion to please everyone but ourselves. It's a struggle that often stems from past traumas and the deep-seated need for external validation, which, in turn, obstructs our path to genuine emotional freedom and self-worth. Tracy offers insight, guidance, and support to those yearning to break free from these restrictive patterns and embrace a life of authenticity and emotional liberation. Let’s uncover the challenges of what it is to live authentically with emotional freedom and break free of perfectionism and people-pleasing. In this episode, you will be able to: * Embrace freedom from attachment to unlock your true potential and live a more fulfilling life. * Overcome perfectionism and discover the joy of embracing your authentic self. * Cultivate self-worth and confidence to create positive change in every aspect of your life. * Understand the dynamics of relationships to build healthier and more meaningful connections. * Experience personal growth that empowers you to live a life aligned with your values and aspirations. The more "you" you are, the easier and more profound your whole life becomes. ~ Tracy Crossley

Jaime Mahler, MS, LMHC, is a New York-based psychotherapist behind the popular Recollected Self brand. Jaime shares her transformative journey from a turbulent young adulthood to finding her true voice, embracing self-compassion, and empowering others to do the same. Discover how facing one's past with courage can illuminate the path to authentic living. In this episode, you will be able to: * Embrace healing from trauma and toxic relationships for personal growth and empowerment. * Discover mental health education's impact on social media for a more informed and mindful approach to well-being. * Recognize the profound effects of cult-like experiences on mental health to understand and address their lasting impact. * Implement strategies for personal growth and self-compassion to foster a positive and resilient mindset. * Embrace critical thinking in therapy and coaching to empower informed decision-making and personal development.

Does it feel like you're constantly striving to be enough but never quite reaching that point? Maybe you've been told that the key to feeling worthy is to keep achieving more and more, but deep down, you still struggle with feelings of inadequacy. The pain of not feeling like you're good enough can impact every aspect of your life, from relationships to work and your overall well-being. If you're tired of constantly chasing validation and want to experience greater self-acceptance and inner peace, then keep listening. In this episode, you will be able to: * Embrace self-acceptance and inner peace for a more fulfilling life. * Explore the impact of not feeling enough and unlock your true potential. * Begin your journey towards self-love and find inner contentment. * Address limiting beliefs for personal transformation and growth. * Discover the importance of emotional exploration and awareness for a more balanced life. "You're here to take up space, meaning to be you, to be with who you are right now in this moment. Why? Because you're opening your future up to be amazing then, because that is how magic happens." ~ Tracy Crossley

Listen to a cancer survivor and former corporate employee who found her purpose through personal challenges. Join Tracy as she sits down with Courtney Elmer, the visionary behind The Effortless Life and the Antifragile Entrepreneurship podcast. Courtney reveals how she went from silencing her voice to reclaiming it, and how she leveraged entrepreneurial antifragility to create positive change. But here's the twist - she discovered her true calling in a way that you wouldn’t expect. In this episode, you will be able to: * Gain valuable insights on leveraging podcasts for business visibility and growth. * Discover the power of entrepreneurial antifragility in overcoming adversity and thriving in business. * Learn effective strategies for navigating career transitions and making a successful shift to entrepreneurship. * Uncover the transformative potential of finding purpose through personal challenges in your entrepreneurial journey. * Explore innovative strategies for increasing podcast audience engagement and building a loyal listener base. "When you're going through something difficult, we want answers. We want clarity. We want definitive yes or no. So we know how to move forward. It brings us relief. But a lot of times, the reality is we don't have that answer." - Courtney Elmer

It’s that time folks! Tracy dives into a deeply personal journey of self-discovery and resilience. From unexpected life events to emotional struggles, Tracy shares her raw and unfiltered experiences, unveiling the surprising impact of stress on her life. While Tracy reveals her stuff around guilt, inner peace, and transforming her business, she will also lead you through an exercise in relieving yourself of stress. Join her for a newfound perspective on personal growth. In this episode, you will be able to: - Explore the depths of emotional well-being and relationships for a more fulfilling life. - Uncover the impact of stress on your well-being and how to effectively manage it. - Learn effective strategies for coping with life's challenges and emerging stronger. - Build resilience through the power of emotional processing for inner strength. - Embark on a journey of self-awareness to foster personal growth and empowerment. I don't need to be married to the stress just because shit is happening doesn't mean I need to be stressed by it. ~ Tracy Crossley

If you're feeling the nagging sense that something is missing in your life, like you're stuck in the same old patterns and stories, then you are not alone! Maybe you're telling yourself that your life is good, but deep down, there's a yearning for something more. You might have been seeking advice from others, asking for their opinions on decisions like dating or career choices, only to find yourself stuck in the same place, unable to break free from the obstacles you've created. It's time to uncover what's holding you back and take the courageous step towards authentic growth and relationships. In this episode, you will be able to: * Explore the complexities of human emotions and relationships for deeper understanding and meaningful connections. * Unlock the importance of self-awareness and personal growth for a more fulfilling life and authentic relationships. * Overcome self-deception to uncover your true potential and live a more authentic and purposeful life. * Cultivate courage and self-love in relationships to foster genuine and lasting connections. * Discover the power of soul plan readings for gaining self-understanding and clarity on life's purpose. So stand up and be in your own two shoes and commit to yourself. Because every time I'm vulnerable, I'm committed to myself. And that means that if I commit to myself, I can commit to other things as well. - Tracy Crossley

Join Tracy as she welcomes Marni Battista, a powerhouse entrepreneur, author, transformational coach, and radical truth seeker. Marni's captivating stories of triumph, paired with her unique ability to drop wisdom that's as profound as it is humorous, will not only entertain but also deeply transform your perspective on life. With experiences ranging from heartwarming essays in prestigious publications to appearances on shows like Dr. Phil and Loveline with Dr. Drew, Marni shares her journey of radical living alongside her husband and two cats, Simon and Fergus Katz, as they traverse the globe. Don't miss this enlightening conversation that's bound to inspire you to stop merely existing and start living a life beyond your wildest dreams.

If you're feeling like you're constantly blaming others for your unhappiness and not taking control of your own life, then you are not alone! Do you find yourself stuck in a cycle of self-punishment and unfulfillment, despite your efforts to work on yourself? It's time to break free from this pattern and take extreme self-responsibility for your own happiness. Let's explore how you can transform your life by embracing self-responsibility and finding inner peace. In this episode, you will be able to: * Cultivate happiness and self-responsibility for a fulfilling life. * Embrace vulnerability and self-reflection to unlock personal growth. * Release blame and excuses to reclaim empowerment and control. * Prioritize personal happiness and improve decision-making for a more fulfilling life. * Accept help and support to enhance well-being and success.

Listen in to hear more about the nuances of intuition, the obstacles of ego, and the transformative power of love in our daily lives. Tracy speaks with Dr. Helané Wahbeh, a renowned naturopathic doctor and the Director of Research at the Institute of Noetic Sciences and an adjunct assistant professor in the Department of Neurology at Oregon Health & Science University. Discover how Dr. Wahbeh's personal experiences and intuitive explorations led her to a career that seamlessly blends science with spirituality. They dive into shedding light on how our intentions can influence our physical world and well-being.

Stories, we all got them. How many of your stories are about you being the hero versus you being the loser? A lot of the stories that play as background music in our minds tends to be of the negative sort. What if she shows you how to dig deep into the power of self-validation? Tune into this episode as she talks about our focusing on problems, stops us from our dreams, and our potential. Let’s challenge the norms, and discover the joy of living a life that truly matters. Whether it's breaking free from unfulfilling jobs or toxic relationships, this podcast is your guide to reclaiming your self-worth and creating a life filled with purpose and happiness.

Join Tracy and Dr. Garret Yount, an expert in molecular neurobiology and consciousness research, as they dive into the fascinating intersection of science and the mind. Dr. Yount recounts his teenage clairvoyant experience that ignited his passion for exploring consciousness and its mysteries. The discussion navigates through the realms of gene expression, epigenetics, and the profound impact of emotions and thoughts on our health. Dr. Yount also sheds light on his research into external qigong healing and the intriguing concept of vibes. The episode wraps up with insights from his book "Why Vibes Matter," offering a beginner's guide to understanding and influencing vibes. Join this captivating journey into the depths of consciousness and its influence on our biological being.

Some people equate numbness with happiness. As long as nothing is poking at you screaming for your attention, you think all is right with the world, and you work hard to maintain this state. But when something triggers you, you can’t handle being out of control, so you scramble to get back to that safe space you THINK is happiness. Nope, it’s numbness, and it’s not where you want to live. Many people say they aren't control freaks, but their internal feelings tell a different story. If you feel anxious whenever you let loose, have fun or feel attracted to someone, that’s a sign of control. In this week’s podcast I challenge you to become more aware of this paradigm because many people delude themselves into thinking they’re happy when in fact they are just numb and trying to avoid being triggered. Happiness is not to be feared, but you need to let go of control in order to let it in. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) You can pretend numbness is peace and happiness or you can challenge yourself to lose control and have FUN, emotional intimacy and vulnerability! Uh yeah happiness!

Join Tracy as she interviews Joan Sotkin, the founder of Prosperity Place and a renowned author. Sotkin shares her intriguing journey from aspiring ballet dancer to a successful businesswoman and coach. She dives into her unique coaching approach, her experiences with healing, and her evolving understanding of health and diet. Sotkin emphasizes the importance of self-understanding and inner peace, offering valuable insights and resources from her website. Tune in for an episode filled with profound lessons on personal development and prosperity.

Did you grow up feeling you were too much, not enough, too nice, too cold, too sensitive, too shy, too annoying, too inquisitive, or too ANYTHING? Basically, instead of being loved for your whole self, did you feel like you were simply tolerated? Maybe you wondered, throughout your life, if people even liked being around you because those too much/not enough beliefs were always with you. So, to move from tolerance to love, you worked hard to prove yourself worthy of someone else’s company. And did those people (intimate partners, friends, family members, etc.) treasure you for the wonderful human you are? Probably not. Why? Because you didn’t treasure you. Self-love isn’t simply about spa visits, eating healthy, working out, or treating yourself to a new outfit. It is attention, connection, and awareness to yourself. And you cultivate it by slowing down, feeling your feelings, and choosing what makes you happy. When you love yourself, you have compassion for who you are, what you are, and why you are. And that is where true love with someone else begins… because love from another person won’t feel good unless you feel it for yourself first. As the new year approaches, it's the perfect time to reflect and embrace this journey of self-love. In this week’s podcast, I’ll share three questions to ask yourself to shift from external “give-it-to-me” love to true self-love. You deserve more, but to get it, you have to step up and show yourself some love. Let's make this new year a turning point for embracing and celebrating your true self. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Self-love comes from all the in-between moments, not the pinnacles! Let this new year be your catalyst for a journey of self-discovery and genuine self-appreciation.

You have spent your life doing for others, worried that if you don’t put them first, they’ll leave… or at the very least they’ll be mad at you. It’s exhausting, however, so you want to start prioritizing yourself and your growth. You know you’ll feel better, shed the resentment and have more energy, but what if the people in your life think you don’t need them anymore? What if they think you’re being selfish? It is NOT selfish to want to feel good. You are actually doing the world a favor by taking care of yourself because a happier you means a more pleasant person for others to be around. When you focus on how you feel, what lights you up and what you want, everyone benefits. How different would it feel to make decisions based on what you want rather than what someone else wants? How much lighter and energized would you feel? If you wait for permission to say no to someone else so you can say yes to yourself, you’ll be waiting forever. Stop believing people will leave in droves if you “selfishly” take care of yourself. The ones who do are a negative in your life, not a positive. You’re a kick-ass person who deserves to be happy. Decide you deserve your own love and attention. Do it selfishly and others will reap the benefits.

Join Tracy and Arnold Delorme, a pioneering scientist in brain dynamics and spirituality step into the intriguing world of consciousness Dive into his groundbreaking research on how meditation and psychoactive agents impact our neural pathways, and explore the complex relationship between the brain and consciousness. This episode also highlights Delorme's innovative work in neurofeedback and its transformative effects on meditation practices. Get a sneak peek into his latest book, 'Why Our Minds Wander,' offering practical strategies for managing the wandering mind during meditation. This episode also highlights Delorme's innovative work in neurofeedback and its transformative effects on meditation practices. Get a sneak peek into his latest book, 'Why Our Minds Wander,' offering practical strategies for managing the wandering mind during meditation.

Imagine what it would be like not to beat yourself up all the time, or to stop shaming yourself for the mistakes you’ve made. What would it be like to tell your inner critic to shut up, and instead make choices that feel good to you? I’ll tell you what it would feel like: it would be fabulous. I know this because that’s where I live now… although I used to have a very different address. I used to think my best life hinged on my partner. If things were great with him, my life would be peachy. Well, that’s not called fabulous; that’s called attachment. If you are making (bad) decisions because of the person you’re attached to, you are not living your best life. Those decisions come from fear of losing the relationship, not from love. They come from scarcity, not abundance. When you stay in attachment, your world becomes very small. In this week’s podcast I’ll help you identify what you actually want and start making decisions that feel good. Because you deserve fabulous!

Join Tracy as she interviews Maz Dela Cerna, a bestselling author and energy healer. Born into poverty in the Philippines, she faced unimaginable hardships, including homelessness, abuse, and addiction. Despite her traumatic past, she found hope and strength through spiritual experiences. She discusses her personal growth, her discovery of the law of attraction, and her work in helping others overcome their limiting beliefs and energetic blocks.

Ever feel overwhelmingly drawn to someone that the physical attraction is just insane? Where you know you are powerless to stop the descent into what is probably going to be complex and messy, but that magnetism to them has you out of your mind? Tracy dives deep into the complex world of attachment styles and how each one - avoidant, anxious, and more - uniquely intertwines with our sexual lives, often in ways we don't consciously realize. Tracy also explores the misconception that anxious attachment is purely emotional, revealing how it often manifests in the heightened intensity of sexual encounters. This episode is a journey into understanding why we may feel a magnetic pull towards certain partners and how this attraction can be misleading, mistaking intense physical connection for emotional depth. Yeah, sorry about that…as much as you might want him or her to be your soulmate, it might just be a physiological response to your conditioning.

Lynn McTaggart, an internationally recognized author and journalist known for her work on the intersection of science and spirituality joins Tracy. They take a deep dive into her journey from investigative journalism to spirituality, and her groundbreaking work on the power of group intention and consciousness. In this episode, she speaks about her experiments with scientists from various universities, which have shown significant positive effects. Lynn highlights the healing power of group intention, the importance of altruism, and the physiological effects of love. In addition to this insightful discussion, Lynn is launching a program called the "Intention Masterclass." It teaches intention mastery, by harnessing the incredible potential of intention in their daily lives. If you're intrigued by the idea of harnessing the power of intention and want to learn more about Lynn McTaggart's Intention Masterclass, you can visit her website at https://lynnemctaggart.com/courses/intention-masterclass/the-power-of-eight-intention-masterclass-2024/ .

Tracy and Jamie Scrimgeour, the host of the chart-topping "The KICK-ASS Stepmom Podcast, tackle the nuanced realities of step-parenting. It’s all about setting boundaries, when to disengage, and the long-term commitment required to forge strong family bonds. Jamie shares her own experiences, around her blended family. Tune in for a conversation that's as real as it gets, and discover why Jamie's voice has become a leading one in the step-parenting community.

The key to everything you want is that “spark!”It’s time to put disappointment on a shelf and not wear it like a sweater. Whether it's a relationship that's lost its spark or a job that is dragging you down, Tracy will show you how to break free. The beauty of this episode is that the power to have what you want is in your hands, it’s not up to others. Start living from that spark inside, so you sparkle and shine everywhere you go no matter who you are with. Tracy shares real-life examples and actionable steps to shift your focus inward.

Need inspiration? Nicole Walters, a former corporate powerhouse turned multi-million-dollar business owner and author of the upcoming memoir 'NOTHING IS MISSING: A MEMOIR OF LIVING BOLDLY,’ sat down with me to talk about juggling. Juggling roles. Challenges women face in the entrepreneurial world, from work-life balance to money mindset are no joke. Nicole shares her game-changing tips on how to 'ask boldly,' monetize your gifts, and why you should never, ever work for free. Don't miss this empowering conversation leaving you ready to conquer your world, your way!

For many people who are stuck, pain is what drives them to seek change. It could be a toxic relationship or yet another holiday spent alone. Maybe it’s wanting to finally escape not feeling good enough. But when anger and frustration are your only motivators, change isn’t very effective… and it doesn’t last. Especially if you’re changing yourself just to get someone else to change. Instead, you need to know why you’re not where you want to be, and have a deep desire to grow your self value. When you complain, blame and compare yourself to others, fear is running the show. And wanting to run away is often a sign that you need to stand still. In this week’s episode, I’ll share different questions you can ask yourself to evaluate your readiness for change. If you’re not there yet, that’s ok! Accepting where you are is an important first step. Once you are clear on what you want to change and why, you can start taking action in that direction. And THAT’S when meaningful change happens because there is a big difference between moving toward something you want, and moving away from something you don’t want.

Do you notice judgment in your life? Whether it's a complicated relationship, a challenging work environment, or your own inner critic, judgment is the block to true happiness. It keeps you stuck while eroding your self-trust and confidence. It comes from a deep-seated sense of lack and fear. You can break free! Tune in to discover actionable steps to dismantle the judgment that's holding you back from happiness. Here’s a glimpse of what you’ll uncover in this episode: [1:25] Dive into the concept of breaking the cycle and discover how letting go of judgment can unlock your true happiness. [3:25] Learn why your judgments are keeping you stuck in dysfunctional relationships and clouding your clarity on what you truly want. [10:06] Explore the interconnectedness of fear, lack, judgment, confidence, and happiness, and how they shape your life. [12:09] Understand your soul's purpose: to have fun and expand, not contract out of fear. [14:09] Get real-life examples of how judgment impacts your relationships, business decisions, and dating life, and why awareness is the first step to overcoming it. [20:14] Trace back the roots of your judgments to your childhood and see how they're holding you back from your desires. [21:13] Realize that you often don't truly know others or even yourself, and learn the power of speaking your truth without blame. [22:05] Receive encouragement to let go of judgment, find the fun in life, and take actionable steps toward a judgment-free existence.

Anxiety isn’t the enemy—it sounds the alarm when fear comes up!. It provides a clue to your internal life. Where you lack trust, what you fear, what you don’t accept, etc. Forget solving it externally, it won’t work.  Even if the situation stops causing anxiety, that sleeping bear still lives inside you.  Anxiety grows when you hate it, disown it, try to reason with it and push it away. What’s the answer? Instead of running from it, sit with it. Check out this episode and in the meantime listen more deeply to what anxiety tells you.

I wonder if you know you’re in a ferris wheel cycle of problem-solving? Wonder why you're always focused on issues that get in the way of enjoying life? “He won’t commit, my job sucks, no matter how hard I try–something always gets in the way and so on.” In this episode, Tracy dives deep into the trap of living in "Problemville," where you're constantly seeking solutions but never finding peace. What's the real answer to all your problems? It's not another quick fix or strategy; it's a radical shift in perspective. Tracy challenges you to move from a state of lack to a state of abundance, from control to true awareness. Stop looking for problems and start living the life you truly desire.

Do you believe trust must be earned? Like your partner showing you their texts to prove he/she is dedicated. Trust isn’t about controlling what another person says or does, and it’s not something to be exchanged, like money. In fact, trust isn’t about other people at all—it’s about you. When you don’t trust yourself to handle a situation, you decide the other person is the problem. Trust occurs when words and actions match, and trust is broken when they don’t. You expect that from other people, but do you practice it yourself? In this episode we’ll talk about how to become the trustworthy person you expect others to be. And how it’s better to trust that you can handle life than to expect other people to change. Here’s a glance at this episode… [01:25] Trusting Yourself is Huge: Focus on trusting yourself rather than worrying about trusting others. [02:27] Words and Actions Must Match: Understand that trust is built when your words and actions align. Emphasize the need to match your own words and actions. [06:11] Being Emotionally Resilient: Trust yourself to be emotionally resilient and handle disappointment, rather than constantly blaming others and feeling victimized. [10:57] The Importance of Self-Trust: Realize that trusting yourself is crucial for building close and bonded relationships and avoiding unnecessary anxiety and control. [12:44] Taking Responsibility for Trust Issues: Recognize that building trust is not about the other person, but about your own choices and actions in a relationship. [18:13] Choosing Yourself Over Attachment: Examine why you cling to someone who is not ready to commit and realize the importance of choosing your own best interest. [20:52] Trusting Yourself and Accepting Circumstances: Emphasize the importance of loving yourself and making choices based on feelings rather than intellectualizing, and accepting circumstances in relationships. [21:47] The Way to Trust Yourself: Understand the importance of trusting yourself to handle situations, being responsible for your own feelings, and making better choices in relationships. [22:52] Being in the Present Moment and Learning from Mistakes: Highlight the significance of being present, taking responsibility for your feelings, learning from mistakes, and building self-trust.

Ever daydream? You know where you find yourself the superhero or some other fantasy? It’s called escapism. By looking at what is a fantasy you feel powerful rather than the humdrum of focusing on what is missing from your life. This episode dives deep into the invisible chains of avoidance that hold you back from living your fullest life. Using your imagination as a visualization is not to be discouraged, but using it to stay stuck in wishful thinking never changes anything. What's the big secret to unlocking your superpower? Stop avoiding and start living. For those ready to elevate their consciousness and escape the clutches of "attachment hell," this is your roadmap to freedom. Your superpower isn't a figment of your imagination; it's the key to a life well-lived. Activate your superpower today and change your life forever.

Join us in a riveting discussion on relationships, self-love, and personal growth with two exceptional women. Sherry Gaba, a licensed psychotherapist and life coach, is renowned for her expertise in codependency, love addiction, and trauma. As the author of "Love Smacked" and a frequent face on Vh1’s Celebrity Rehab, Sherry's dedication to mental health and recovery is unparalleled. On the other side, Carla Romo, a Professional Certified Coach and co-host of The Love Fix, transformed her life after overcoming toxic codependency at 24. With a passion for pushing individuals past their limitations, Carla's coaching has been recognized globally, from BRAVO to Cosmopolitan. Dive into their shared wisdom on modern dating, self-awareness, and the art of intentional relationships. Whether you're seeking love, understanding, or a fresh perspective, this episode promises enlightenment and empowerment.

Join Tracy as she engages in a riveting conversation with Steve Q. Wiltshire, a former Mr. Oregon Body Building champion who battled and overcame a life-altering autoimmune disease. Discover the magic of produce, and the transformative power of customized wellness plans. Steve, founder of Body Temple Health & Wellness, shares insights from his three-decade-long journey prioritizing fitness, health, and mindset. From personal tales of resilience to actionable health advice, this episode is a treasure trove for anyone looking to reclaim their health and power. Tune in and be inspired by Steve's story.

Heather Allison, a mystical guide and creator of Transformative Mystery Schools, joins Tracy for an enthralling conversation about embracing feminine and masculine energies and finding one's true self. Heather's remarkable journey takes us from the struggles of a toxic relationship to the awakening of her inner wisdom, redefining her life's trajectory. Dive into the mystical realms of your inner sanctuary, spiraling towards expansion and enlightenment. Join Tracy and Heather on this enlightening journey, unlocking your inner dreamer and embracing a life filled with authenticity and purpose.

Avoidants have feelings, but they may not be what you expect. This episode shines a light on the complex world of avoidants, revealing how fear and control can mask genuine emotions. You ever notice how avoidants act nice but push others away? You ever notice that you could be one? Do you build walls when triggered? Yeah, it's not coldness (and if you’ve been accused then you know how that feels), it's fear. Tracy dives into the psyche of avoidants, sharing insights into why they behave the way they do and how they can break free. Whether it's understanding your own avoidant tendencies, learning how to interact with an avoidant in your life, or seeking a path to real love and connection, in this episode, Tracy provides practical steps towards self-awareness to navigate these challenging dynamics. No more confusion or frustration—embrace a sincere journey towards empathy, understanding, and growth. Tune in to find the path to recognizing and addressing avoidant behavior, unlocking the potential for healthy, happy relationships.

Join Tracy Crossley and guest María-Victoria Albina. From her own battle with codependency to an unexpected shift from medicine to life coaching, Maria shares her unique insights and personal experiences. Listen as María-Victoria dives into the challenges and lessons of her life, from her struggle with perfectionism during college to her journey through an emotionally abusive marriage. Regardless of where you are in your personal journey, this episode offers valuable takeaways for anyone seeking a deeper understanding of themselves and the transformative power of love. Learn more about María-Victoria here: https://www.instagram.com/victoriaalbinawellness/, https://www.facebook.com/VictoriaAlbinaWellness, https://www.linkedin.com/in/victoriaalbina/

Having your soulmate may seem impossible or that it could happen, but with conditions. This episode shines a light on how the ego gets in the way because of its fierce pursuit of survival while spinning illusions of specialness. You ever notice how you make someone special when you are attached to the idea of them? You ever notice how you need to be special too? Yeah, its not love, it's ego. Tracy shares her personal journey to taming the ego, revealing a path to genuine love (not attachment) and inner peace. Whether it's a fulfilling love relationship, financial prosperity, or internal harmony you seek, in this episode, Tracy provides practical steps towards self-awareness to redirect your energy towards your true north star. No more hiding or forcing—embrace a sincere journey towards self-discovery, freedom, and joy. Tune in to find the path to having your soulmate through your authentic vibe to attract your desires.

Olesya Wilson, a certified nutritionist and holistic healer, joins Tracy as they dive into a captivating conversation about overcoming health issues and discovering the path to holistic healing. Olesya's incredible story showed how she broke free from limiting beliefs and unlocked her inner strength. Olesya challenges societal norms, redefining confidence as an inner essence and emphasizing the significance of self-love, self-care, and living in the present moment. Uncover the principles of self-value, self-care, and self-observation, shaping your relationship with money and overall well-being. Immerse yourself in the transformative power of the present moment, cultivating gratitude and contentment. Join Tracy and Olesya on this immersive journey, unlocking your inner power and embracing a life of holistic well-being. Learn more here: Website: https://olesyawilson.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mindoverbody.me/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mindoverbodyme/ YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@olesyawilson LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/olesyawilson/

Join us as we sit down with Kristina Mand-Lakhiani, co-founder of Mindvalley, for a thought-provoking conversation that will inspire and empower you. We begin by delving into Kristina's childhood dreams and how her journey into adulthood was shaped by the transformative events of the fall of the Soviet Union. Furthermore, we explore the transformative impact of everyday decisions. Discover the profound impact that seemingly small choices can have on our lives. Gain practical strategies to overcome decision fatigue and streamline your decision-making process, freeing up valuable mental energy for what truly matters. As we conclude our conversation, we explore the transformative practice of letting go. Get a glimpse into Kristina's new book, "The Art Of Being Flawsome," which offers guidance on releasing what no longer serves us, leading to a healthier, happier, and more fulfilling life. Tune into this illuminating journey with Kristina Mand-Lakhiani and unlock the keys to embracing your fullest potential. Learn more about Kristina here: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kristinamand/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kristinamand LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kristina-mand-lakhiani-73168414/ Website: https://kristinamand.com/

Your attachment to that person or finding yourself hitting repeat on the kind of relationships you attract? Perhaps it's more than just conditioning? Let’s uncover the hidden gems within attachment issues— they're not just conditioning, —they're actually opportunities for personal growth and transformation. Once we release the idea that attachment is everything, a whole new world of emotional and spiritual freedom opens up to us. Picture this: your soul contract is like a guiding light throughout your entire life, presenting you with contrasting situations that are designed to help you grow and discover the true essence of love. It's time to move beyond blame and shift our perspective. When we do that, attachments start losing their hold on us, and love becomes the ultimate game changer. Listen into the podcast to learn more. Ready to embark on this life-altering journey? Start by nurturing your awareness and consider exploring our mind-blowing metaphysical breakthrough sessions. They're like a compass, providing you with invaluable insights and guidance along the way. Come join us on this adventure of attachment and unlock the incredible power of soul contracts to create a life that's truly fulfilled, happy, and overflowing with love. Let's do this together!

In a world filled with external expectations and obstacles, it's crucial to tune into your inner desires and follow your "yes." Join Tracy in an enlightening episode of "Moving On" as she interviews Ken Bechtel, an acclaimed author, speaker, and mentor, who shares invaluable insights on the transformative power of following your divine guidance. Ken emphasizes the importance of embracing unexpected outcomes and trusting that every piece of the puzzle is there for a reason. During their conversation, Ken and Tracy dive into the topic of shame and its role as a catalyst for change. Rather than viewing shame as something to be healed, Ken urges listeners to identify its source and take proactive steps to prevent its recurrence. Discover how recognizing and working through shame can provide clarity on your next steps towards personal growth and self-discovery. Ken's book, Follow Your Yes provides further exploration of the concept of following your inner guidance and offers practical advice on navigating life's obstacles. Immerse yourself and embark on a transformative journey of self-discovery. Let Ken and Tracy's empowering words resonate within you as they guide you towards staying true to yourself and fearlessly embracing life's intricate puzzle. By following your "yes" and embracing your inner guidance, you'll unlock the door to profound growth and fulfillment that await you. Learn more about Ken here: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/followyouryes/?hl=en Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/KenWBechtel Website: https://www.kenbechtel.com/

Join us as we dive into the world of spiritual awakening with Rachael Jayne Groover, founder of The Awakened School and bestselling author of "Powerful and Feminine." Rachael takes us on a transformative journey, recounting her path towards inner peace and outer purpose. Discover the pivotal moments that led to her multidimensional seeing experience, as she courageously surrendered her image and followed her instincts. Through profound insights, Rachael unveils the profound ways her life has been reshaped since her spiritual awakening, and how she now guides others on their own spiritual paths through her work at The Awakened School. Unveiling the power of awakening to purpose, spirituality, and potential, this podcast will inspire you to become more receptive to the present moment and embark on your own awakening journey.

Most everyone on the planet has heard of the law of attraction. How about the law of attraction and insecure attachment? Well, you are always attracting the people, places and things to your life that you currently are experiencing today. Looking at who you are attached to or fear being engulfed by gives them more power over you, than you have of yourself in making choices that you want. Your attachment style may say “yes” to pain and “no” to happiness. Who you attract and how you act are reflected in why you magnetize what you do. And for some of us we look at the person we are attached to and feel some magic brought him or her to our lives. Join Tracy as she unveils the secrets to changing your attachment style and attracting the love and fulfillment you truly desire. If you're ready to break free from the patterns of insecurity and create a life of love and abundance, tune in to gain invaluable insights, practical strategies, and the inspiration to transform your attachment style.

Discover the path to financial harmony and genuine happiness in this captivating podcast episode. Tracy sits down with Ken Honda, a revered money and happiness expert and best-selling author from Japan, to explore the transformative power of reshaping our relationship with money. Through heartfelt childhood anecdotes and personal experiences, Ken shares how his father's wisdom molded his views on finance. He unveils the key to a fulfilling life: adopting a positive and grateful attitude towards money. Ken's philosophy is centered around using money as a tool for happiness and fulfillment, rather than a source of stress and anxiety. He empowers listeners to prioritize self-fulfillment, finding joy in their own lives before extending generosity to others. In his vibrant community, "Arigato a Living Community," individuals from 20 different countries gather monthly to explore the intertwined nature of money and happiness. Join Tracy in this insightful episode as Ken Honda guides you on a journey towards financial well-being and lasting contentment. Uncover the profound truth that money is not happiness itself but a means to unlock a more harmonious and fulfilling life. "Money is a tool for happiness. It's not happiness itself." "Life is to be enjoyed. You can spend money in a happy way, you can receive money in a happy way. If you focus on your relationship with money, you can change your life. So start appreciating both money coming in and going out.”

This episode dives deep into the topic of exchanging anxiety energy for love. Tracy sheds light on how anxiety is born from fear and signifies an insecure attachment, and she offers powerful strategies to shift that energy towards love, generosity, and happiness. Discover the importance of real feelings and effective communication in relationships, as Tracy guides you towards becoming free from the grip of anxiety. If you find yourself repeatedly attracting the same types of relationships, Tracy's expertise can help you uncover the root cause and manifest a healthy, happy connection. In addition to Tracy's insightful guidance in this episode, she offers transformative programs and coaching to support individuals on their journey to overcoming attachment anxiety and finding true fulfillment in relationships. Tracy's programs are designed to provide personalized support and tools tailored to each individual's unique needs. Whether you're seeking one-on-one coaching or prefer the dynamic of a group setting, Tracy's expertise and compassionate approach can help you break free from the grip of anxiety and create the loving, harmonious connection you desire. To learn more about Tracy's transformative programs and coaching offerings, be sure to visit tracycrossley.com. Take the first step towards a happier, more secure future by exploring the resources and guidance available to you through Tracy's empowering programs.

Attachment and love are opposite countries. Embark on a transformative journey as Tracy delves into the profound nature of attachment in this captivating podcast episode. Drawing upon decades of experience in dealing with insecure attachment, energy work, and psychic sessions, we explore the spiritual side of attachment and how to get out of its clutches. Discover the power you hold to break free from the cycle of pain and insecurity and create a life filled with love, abundance, and joy. Through emotionally-provocative examples, we unravel the connection between attachment and karma, showcasing how releasing attachment can lead to profound personal growth and fulfilling relationships. With insights and guidance, you'll gain awareness and tools to speak your truth, liberate yourself from suffering, and embrace the love that you truly deserve. Are you ready to break free from attachment hell and embark on a journey towards emotional freedom and self-discovery? Tune in now and start your path to an empowered and meaningful life. (Note: This podcast episode explores the spiritual aspects of attachment and provides guidance on breaking free from pain and insecurity. It is recommended for those seeking personal growth, transformative experiences, and a deeper understanding of the self.)

In this episode, Tracy speaks with Erin Pash, a successful therapist and business owner, who shares her journey towards discovering and utilizing her emotional intelligence. From her classic teenage childhood to switching from science to psychology in college, Erin has always had a talent for emotional intelligence and helping others. Join us as we explore the nuances of empathy and emotional intelligence, and how they can impact our personal and professional lives. Erin also shares valuable insights about the spectrum of emotional intelligence and the importance of setting boundaries when helping others. We also delve into her personal experiences, including her blended family and navigating the challenges of marriage and divorce. As a therapist and business owner, Erin offers her perspectives on bad therapy as well as the importance of reflecting on mistakes and growing from them. Whether you're interested in mental health or looking to improve your own emotional intelligence, you won't want to miss this inspiring and insightful episode. Discover the power of emotional intelligence and how it can change your life for the better.

In this captivating episode of the "Moving On" podcast, Tracy introduces us to the incredible Dr. Fleet Maull. A renowned growth mindset teacher, meditation guru, and social entrepreneur, Dr. Maull's journey of self-discovery and transformation is nothing short of awe-inspiring. From his childhood to his spiritual journey, Dr. Maull shares how he overcame numerous challenges and developed an unwavering sense of discipline, focus, and inner strength. His time in prison was a pivotal moment, where he embraced a disciplined life of a prison monk and devoted hours each day to meditation, study, and service. But Dr. Maull's journey didn't end there. He has developed a groundbreaking approach to healing attachment issues using neuro-somatic mindfulness and regenerative self-parenting. He believes that true healing begins with reconnecting with our hearts and becoming more heart-centered, a mission that he carries out through his Heart Mind Institute. Join Tracy as she dives into the life and teachings of Dr. Fleet Maull, and discover how we too can cultivate a growth mindset, transform our lives, and find our inner strength. This is an episode not to be missed!

Join us as Tracy delves into the complexities of spirituality and non-attachment. Tracy shares insights on how to manifest the life you want by removing the layers of attachment that prevent you from reaching your full potential. Discover how projecting your own energy onto others can lead to misunderstandings and miscommunications, and how the ego can keep you trapped in familiar suffering. Through relatable examples, Tracy highlights the importance of self-awareness and understanding where attachment comes from. Learn how to read energy from a place of love and expand your heart to embrace a whole new way of being. You'll gain valuable tips on how to become aware of your own ego, and how to distinguish between attachment and genuine connection. Tracy also offers a simple experiment to help you cultivate a deeper understanding of your own energy, and how to use it to build better relationships. Tune in to discover the transformative power of letting go of attachment and embracing love.

Join us for a captivating episode where we sit down with Dr. Jessica Higgins, a psychologist and relationship coach with over 20 years of experience, as we delve into the intricacies of human connection and the importance of emotional growth and vulnerability. In this interview, we explore Dr. Higgins' own personal experiences with relationships and trauma, and how they have informed her approach to therapy and personal growth. We discuss the challenges that people often face when seeking help for their relationships, and why it's crucial to prioritize emotional intimacy, vulnerability, and differentiation in any healthy partnership. Dr. Higgins also stresses the importance of striking a balance between togetherness and autonomy, and why confronting past pain and trauma is essential for growth and healing. Whether you're single, in a relationship, or just curious about the dynamics of human connection, this episode is a must-listen to discover the keys to building strong, healthy relationships. Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @drjesshiggins Shifting Criticism guide: https://drjessicahiggins.lpages.co/shifting-criticism-for-connected-communication/ Empowered Relationship Podcast: https://drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Website: https://drjessicahiggins.com/

Lovebombing. Ladies and gents–you want empowerment, you want emotional freedom and you want to feel you can choose better, this only happens when you let go of someone else having power over you. It’s what happens when we make others responsible for our emotional state and our own choices. Sometimes it's scary to give up the idea that someone else is to blame, because it feels like you have power or control. But it is the opposite, it leaves you a victim waiting for someone to come along who controls your emotions, because you made them responsible. This is part and parcel of our conditioning, so you aren’t purposely thinking this sounds like a day at the park! In this episode, we dive into the world of love bombing and explore how you can break free from its negative effects. Tracy shares valuable insights on taking personal responsibility, building self-worth, and growing emotional maturity. By examining your own contributions to the relationship and understanding any unconscious patterns or traumas that may be influencing your behavior, you can gain personal power and inner peace, paving the way for healthier and more fulfilling relationships. Join us as we explore the transformative power of personal responsibility and the importance of building self-worth. And if you're struggling with love bombing or insecure attachment, we've got you covered with resources to help you on your journey.

On this episode of the Moving On podcast, join Tracy as she sits down with the accomplished Christina Flach, a renowned celebrity makeup and hair artist, the driving force behind Pretty Girl Makeup, and a dedicated philanthropist. As a mother to five children, Flach opens up about her journey in balancing her various roles, her commitment to charitable endeavors, and her remarkable ability to bounce back from personal hardships. She highlights the significance of prioritizing self-care, cultivating gratitude, and giving back to others. Tune in to hear her empowering advice on discovering your passions and turning them into a career, as well as valuable insights on makeup, wellness, and fitness. Follow Christina on IG: https://www.instagram.com/christinaflachmakeup

Married and attached to someone else? Ring the drama bell! Being attached to someone outside of your committed relationship isn’t all others may think its cracked up to be. Often, the people who are attached to someone who is not their mate, find themselves going through a tough time. Whether the attachment is acted on or not, it can feel as though you are quite alone unless engaging with this person. Join me as two of my clients in this situation share their stories and we do a bit of Q&A on taking steps to feel they can make a loving decision for themselves.

“He said he loves me! Okay, so why doesn’t he act like it!!” Oh man, the pain and agony of insecure attachment, even when your partner says those three little words. In this episode, we dive into the idea of attachment and unrealistic expectations that come with it. From focusing on struggle to telling ourselves stories and little white lies about what "I love you" or any meaningful statement, “I love how you drink your beer!” means, so that we can continually be in a state of pain and yearning. This episode will challenge your assumptions and help you take responsibility for your choices in relationships. By becoming aware of your thoughts and questioning your expectations, you can break free from the conditioning of attachment and start loving yourself. Don't miss out on this eye-opening discussion about the power of what your partner or date says and what it really means.

You wish you could be calm, cool and collected. Other people seem to do it—they can pull off being mysterious while your facial expressions always give you away. You feel like the weird emotional one, trying to tame whatever is brewing inside while everyone else stays calmly in control. You’re afraid if anyone knew how you really felt, they would judge you. But following the rules of what other people deem as “acceptable” will leave you disconnected from yourself and your life. If you want to be comfortable in your skin, you need to value your own truth and stop seeking outside approval. In this week’s episode I’ll show you how to pay attention to your insecurities, and identify which situations provoke them. From there you can practice showing up in those situations however you feel, and not expecting yourself to be different. Gauging how you’re supposed to act by watching the body language, words and actions of others is the opposite of authentic. Instead, take action from an internal desire for happiness and wellbeing. Over time your insecurities will fade and your confidence will grow! WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Valuing your truth makes it easier to find true connection. Letting go of that fear changes your life.

Brian Nickerson is the Co-Founder and CEO of MagicLinks, an award-winning full-stack influencer marketing platform and the global leader in social video commerce. Built with over $1B GMV in eCommerce transactions across 25k+ video influencers and 30B views, Match IntelligenceTM, MagicLinks Secret Sauce, accurately predicts which influencers will drive the best outcomes for brands based on sales and reach goals. Nickerson earned his MBA from Harvard Business School and graduated from Dartmouth College with a Bachelor’s of Arts in Engineering and Economics. Prior to helping brands win big with influencer technology innovations, he helped the Los Angeles Dodgers win big as their third baseman in the minor leagues. In this episode, Brian shares his journey as a former professional baseball player turned entrepreneur, the importance of embracing failure as a learning experience, and the significance of delegation and scaling. He also gives insights on how to use high-performance index exercises to improve company culture and shares three key tips for business success. "I think great things aren't achieved unless you're willing to be bold." "Most change starts with awareness. If you don't know or don't understand that there's an issue, it's pretty hard to change it. But once you are aware of something, then the energy starts to flow in a way that can change." Learn more about Brian & MagicLinks here: MagicLinks: https://www.magiclinks.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/magiclinks LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/magiclinks/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@magiclinks Twitter: https://twitter.com/usemagiclinks Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/usemagiclinks

I never thought I could be chosen, I thought I always had to be the one performing, showing I was worth it....until I chose me. Are you tired of constantly waiting for someone else to choose you? Do you feel like you're always stuck in the waiting game, hoping and praying that the other person will finally pick you? In this episode of our podcast, we're diving deep into the difference between commitment and attachment, and exploring how waiting for someone else to choose you can leave you feeling empty and in pain. But the good news is that you don't have to wait for somebody to choose you. You can choose yourself and start making healthy, happy choices for your life. We'll also explore the role of self-awareness in making positive changes in relationships and provide practical tips and tools for listeners who are ready to take control of their lives. So if you're tired of feeling stuck and want to start choosing yourself, tune in and join the conversation!

Jaime started dieting at age 11, was hospitalized for an eating disorder at age 15, had kidney dialysis at 17 and finally recovered at 24. It wasn’t until her recovery that she realized how much her childhood contributed. Before Jaimie was born, her father was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease, so she grew up with a father who loved and supported her, but couldn’t walk, talk, or breathe on his own. Food and exercise were two things in life Jaime could control, so she doubled-down on both. Join me for an uplifting conversation with Jaime who turned her scarlet “A” (for anorexia) into a way of inspiring others to find synergy between mental and physical fitness. As a coach and Instagram influencer, she helps women overcome overwhelm and reduce anxiety through fitness. “You can integrate your mental health into your physical health, and your physical health into your mental health.” Learn more about Jaime here: Website: Jaime Filer Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jaim91/

You think love is hard work, you are so used to it being unequal, unfair and down right frustrating at times. In fact, you might be tired of feeling like you're stuck in a never-ending cycle of drama and pain in your relationships. Do you feel like you're always searching for love, but end up attached instead? If so, you need to tune into this podcast episode about Attachment Drama and The Great Equalizer! In this episode, you'll learn about the crucial differences between love and attachment, and how attachment can be incredibly unfair and draining for the attached person. You'll gain a deeper understanding of the world of pain that attachment can bring, and how to recognize the signs of attachment in your own life. But it's not all doom and gloom! You'll also discover the power of choosing love over attachment, and how to take baby steps to get there. You'll learn about the importance of awareness and taking action, and how to start living a life of love and fulfillment. With engaging anecdotes and practical tips, this podcast episode is the perfect guide for anyone who wants to break free from attachment and start living a life of love. So don't miss out – tune in now to discover the great equalizer and how to choose love every time!

Are you holding yourself back from receiving the love you want and being your badass self? Or does your need for control and “giving to get” keep you stuck in the same paradigm? Let’s be clear: a badass is not someone who struts around, pretending they don’t need anyone. That’s a victim wearing a suit of emotional armor. A badass when it comes to love is open-hearted, trusting, courageous and vulnerable. A badass takes care of their own emotional wellbeing, and when they’re in a situation where someone doesn’t respect them or their boundaries… a badass removes themself from that situation. A badass is the REAL you. So how do you stop people pleasing and playing the role of the “good” partner in order to be comfortable as your badass self so you can receive love freely? First, look at what you say you want, and how your actions work against it. If you’re not sure what you want, tune in to today’s episode for a writing exercise that will help you identify your disconnects and help you uncover the motivation behind your actions. Receiving love requires clarity, honesty and openness. There is no magical genie who can grant you “badass” status. The only power capable of doing that is you.

Kute had a rather unconventional upbringing. His dad was a spiritual leader who built 300 churches in Ghana and led a huge congregation in London. Everyday Kute would watch his dad, dubbed the “Miracle man of Africa,” heal people. Then, at the boyish age of 14, Kute was ordained as a minister and instructed by his father to take over. Although he was an empathetic kid and wanted to help people, this wasn’t what he wanted. After four years of depression and inner turmoil, he left the church and followed his soul to the US. What he would do there, he had absolutely no idea. He was 18 years old. Join me for Kute’s inspirational journey to understand life and listen to his inner wisdom (even when he didn’t know where it was leading him). He’ll share why, after incredible persistence and determination, he turned down an opportunity to realize his dream. Instead of following his ego, he surrendered to life…and he tells us how we can do that too. Today Kute is an inspirational speaker, author, teacher and next-gen personal development leader who inspires people to access inner freedom, live authentically and fulfill their true life’s purpose. “Life tends to unfold in ways that are way better than we could ever plan for ourselves.” —Kute Blackson Learn more about him here: Website: Home page Facebook: kute blackson Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kuteblackson/ Twitter: kuteblackson YouTube: Kute Blackson LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kute-blackson-35755519/

Settling, and the fear of missing out, is a reflection of not feeling good enough as you are right now. When you search for perfection—or even just better than you have—you’re looking for something that doesn’t exist. Many people who are attached struggle with this “not good enough” belief, driving them to sabotage their relationships and create obstacles to happiness. If you second guess your relationship whenever your partner tries to get close to you, listen in. In this week’s podcast I’ll share the secret to feeling enough so you stop freaking out about settling. It starts with two questions to ask yourself each morning. Do this consistently and you’ll start building your sense of value. Because the thing is, when you chase that greener grass, you bring yourself (and your belief of not being good enough) with you. Then the fear of settling starts all over again. Let’s break that cycle, shall we?

I see this happen a lot: someone finally gets into a healthy relationship after struggling with insecure attachment (through a lot of work on themselves, of course), and they miss the intensity. They watch a passionate love scene on TV or hear about their friend’s romantic escapade and momentarily lament their “boring” relationship, wondering if this is what a healthy relationship is supposed to feel like. But then they realize, “Hey, I’m not constantly in pain! My stomach isn’t tied up in anxious knots. I can relax and be myself with this person!” Attachment is like a drug with extreme highs and lows, so giving up the lows also means giving up the highs. When we equate love with intense chemistry, then realize that’s not real love, it can be an adjustment. If this happens and you find yourself craving intensity in a healthy relationship, listen to this podcast. I’ll tell you what you can do to fill your emotional tank and focus on what you have rather than operating from a place of lack.

In this episode Tracy sits down with David Perry to discuss the secret to his meteoric success. Perry is currently the CEO of Carro, a new e-commerce partnership network used by over 30k Shopify Brands. Prior to Carro, Perry had established himself as one of the best-known video game veterans in the industry. His previous company, Gaikai, was acquired by Sony PlayStation. He was also the Co-Founder & Chief Creative Officer of Acclaim Entertainment, and founded the game development company Shiny Entertainment, which was first acquired by Interplay, then again by Atari. Perry has spoken at TED, E3, Digital Hollywood, Stanford University, MIT, USC, UCLA and many others.

You’re in a heated argument with someone. Maybe you have unresolved anger from an earlier situation so it escalates quickly. Harsh words are exchanged, the jabs get personal, then bam—your feelings are hurt. You feel wronged, victimized, and unfairly attacked. You might assume they set out to hurt you and it’s all their fault. But how do you know their intention? That’s what we’re talking about this week. When someone says or does something that hurts your feelings, and you expect them to “fix” it because it’s their fault, you are at their mercy. It sounds harsh, but no one owes you anything…and it takes two to tango. Instead of putting all the blame on them, look at how you contribute to the situation and what you expect from them. YOU are responsible for your emotions, your actions and your reactions. And that’s good news because it means your emotional wellbeing is in your hands, not someone else’s.

Are you searching for a unicorn? I’m talking about someone whose specialness makes everything in life seem amazing. Someone you are (and forever will be) attracted to, who will never upset you or trigger you, who you’ll always have a deep physical connection with. Like unicorns themselves, this romantic idea you’re invested in is a fantasy. Love exists with another human who is flawed by nature. In this week’s episode we’ll look at what keeps you searching for unicorns (if you’re an Avoidant or Anxious Avoidant, pay particular attention). The kind of “perfect” love you’re looking for is only in the pages of a fairy tale. It’s a place where pain doesn’t exist… which is where many Avoidants like to live. You can continue searching for what is unrealistic, or you can look inside and deal with whatever emptiness, pain, and anxiety you’re feeling. Because unconditional love does exist. It’s just different from what you’re looking for.

Kieve is the founder and CEO of Engager Brands, where he combines music and cannabis to create authentic lifestyle brands like Heavy Grass, Neon Roots, and Clown Cannabis. Each has roots in music and resonates with the communities that align with them. With more than 25 years of experience in the music, cannabis and tech industries, Kieve leverages his knowledge and industry relationships to create these unique, cutting-edge brands. He was one of the founders of the leading cannabis media company, PRØHBTD Media, which built the first multi-platform video network. Join me for a spirited conversation about mindset and motivation as Kieve shares the secret sauce for his unique brand of success. www.engagerbrands.com https://www.linkedin.com/in/kievehuffman/

Labeling someone as a narcissist (or dysfunctional or whatever) often comes from a place of pain and lack. They hurt you, so you want to feel superior, but blaming them for the way they are and the way they treat you doesn’t boost your self-worth. It may temporarily feel good, but that puts you in the position of victim, and victimhood is powerless. In this week’s podcast we’ll look at how to let go of the idea that they’re a monster and you’re their victim. “Diagnosing” them gives you a sense of control, but you do yourself a disservice when you look for fault in others instead of taking responsibility for the decisions you make. It can feel crappy to admit you CHOSE this person, but it’s also empowering because that means you can make a different choice. You can make small, loving choices toward you.

Yes, there is good in all of us. But that doesn’t mean you should ignore red flags in a relationship because you want to see the good in people. And it certainly doesn’t mean it’s your job to make those red flags go away; to shine that diamond in the rough! When you tell yourself what an amazing person you are for seeing the good in someone, that’s your ego talking. It’s the false part of yourself seeing the false part of others. And it’s totally rooted in insecure attachment. Emotionally healthy people don’t sacrifice their own wellbeing for others. When you believe this martyr story and ignore or excuse red flags, you sell yourself short. You do NOT deserve a “broken” person who needs rescuing. That road leads to unhappiness because it’s an impossible journey, and you’ll never find what you’re looking for. Focusing on the other person means you’re avoiding yourself. In today’s podcast we’ll explore this story we tend to create, and how to change it. Ignoring red flags doesn’t make you noble. Let’s dispel that belief so you can shift to the real work: the work that begins with you. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) You are your own red flag. Surrender to reality, stop the story and be that hero for yourself.

Go ahead, buy that car. You’re worth it. Your well-earned promotion will finally show people you have arrived. How do you measure your worth? Is it by what other people label as important, or what you feel inside? Will chasing money, fame and success make you feel worthy and valued? Of course not. Some of the most successful people in the world have an enormous sense of lack, believing more accolades will eventually fill them up. Intellectually you know fulfillment doesn’t work this way, yet your subconscious still searches for validation over the next mountain. So where does your internal value come from? Much of it is learned in childhood from your parents’ feelings of worthlessness. Yep, it’s passed down, so to speak, through the generations. Of course you didn’t know this as a kid; you simply modeled their behavior and emotional responses. And instead of seeing the problem as theirs, you believed something was wrong with you. In today’s podcast we’ll look at how we search for worthiness externally, and how to cultivate it internally. Everything you avoid takes away your worth, so start by accepting where you are right now—even if you feel utterly worthless. Then, let resistance be your guide. What you most resist is often the pathway to a more fulfilling life. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt

As a self-proclaimed late bloomer, it took Treva Brandon Scharf longer than most to find her direction in life. After attending multiple colleges, Treva moved from Beverly Hills to New York, then back to LA, racking up a string of relationships she was never fully committed to. It wasn’t until she hit her 40s that she realized she forgot to get married and have kids (oops). Join Treva as she shares her unconventional journey in love and life, going from copywriter to personal trainer to life coach, and from single to married for the first time at the age of 51. After years of trying to find a partner, Treva reveals what eventually led her to her husband. Today she writes about surviving singledom and finding love later in life on her blog, The Late Blooming Bride. She is also a dating coach, speaker, and podcast host. “Here is the key to the kingdom; this is the magic: surrender.” —Treva Brandon Scharf Learn more about Treva at: Website: https://trevabrandonscharf.com/ Instagram: @trevabme Twitter: @trevabme Facebook: http://facebook.com/treva.brandonscharf LinkedIn: http://linkedin.com/in/trevabrandonscharf

The same dance happens all the time in unhealthy relationships between an anxious and an avoidant. The anxious struggles with self-value so they perform: see me, pay attention to me! This neediness causes the avoidant to run. But then, when the avoidant is away, they miss their anxious partner. They want to feel that “closeness” again so the avoidant returns and the whole cycle goes on repeat with the anxious clinging and the avoidant running. The anxious partner tends to blame the avoidant for problems in the relationship because THEY did the leaving. Anxious see themselves as the emotional ones while their avoidant partners are robots. In truth, the anxious person is avoiding too. They are avoiding their feelings and avoiding responsibility. Both parties want control, blaming the other person so there is a winner and a loser. Where is the love in that?? In this week’s podcast we’ll dig into attached relationships driven by fear and anxiety. There are no winners and losers here—only losers. Whether you are the anxious or avoidant partner, learn how to break the cycle by focusing on yourself so you change the way you show up in relationships. There IS a better way! WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Whether you are anxious or avoidant, it is about YOU, not the other person. And since it IS you, you can change your relationships NOW. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt

Let me set the scene: You’re dating someone and feel this incredible connection. Maybe you sleep together. Then, seemingly out of nowhere they say, “I adore you but I can’t give you what you want and hope we can hang out as friends.” Gut punch. It’s incredibly painful, especially when you thought things were going well. But what’s even more painful? Going along with it. You’re afraid that if you leave, you’ll lose your one and only chance at a relationship (hello, scarcity). Plus, when you do hang out “as friends,” maybe they hold your hand or give you some other mixed message that keeps you hanging on. But when you choose to stay, you wait for a someday that may never come while anger and frustration build. So folks, that’s what we’re talking about in this podcast—why this happens and what to do if you find yourself in this situation.

As a kid, Suzanne wanted to be famous. So it’s fitting that today she lights up whenever she’s on stage, inspiring people to reach their highest potential. But, of course, there was a dark area in between. When she had her heart broken at age 16, a wall went up that wouldn’t come down for many years. Instead of feeling her emotions, Suzanne waited for the clock to strike 5pm every day so she could pour a glass of wine. But in 2013, while waiting for 5pm to roll around, she had an awakening. “When you plug into infinite possibilities and let something bigger than you move through you, you will radiate.” --Suzanne Adams Join me as Suzanne shares her life before and after 2013, including an entire year that she dedicated to loving herself. Feeling alive and activated, she started learning about feminine and masculine energy and how to balance them. Today she is a thought leader in personal development, energetics and leadership. Suzanne’s latest book “Quantum Vibes” (inspired by her TEDx talk) demonstrates how the confluence of the Law of Attraction, spirituality and science can deliver contentment and success. Learn more about Suzanne: https://suzanneadamsinc.com/ Grab some free gifts: https://suzanneadamsinc.com/free-gift/

Growing up, did you have to people-please and perform to earn your spot on Santa’s “nice” list? For many of us, we learned that gifts had to be earned, and there wasn’t much room for a good person who screwed up sometimes (i.e. a regular ol’ human). We were labeled as either good or bad, worthy or unworthy. For a jolly fellow, there sure were a lot of strings attached. And we got the pleasure of carrying those beliefs into our actual relationships—who needs that gift? The point of this podcast isn’t to villainize Santa, but rather to acknowledge how our childhood impacts our current relationships so we can identify patterns of behavior. As kids, we bought into those stories about what we deserved and where to look for validation (under the Christmas tree), but as adults, we get to challenge—and change—them.

You don’t trust your partner. He/she is lying and cheating… or you’re afraid they are. Maybe you have an ex who cheated on you so you are hyper-aware of certain behavior. Like if you see your partner acting flirty with someone, which sends you into that crazy, anxious paranoid mode. This reaction, however, is more a reflection of your negative beliefs and how you don’t trust YOURSELF. You don’t trust that you would be able to handle the disappointment of the relationship ending. What if you never recover? What if you just attract another cheater? Staying in a relationship like this allows you to play the victim while assigning your partner to the role of perpetrator (can you say drama triangle?). You get to blame him/her while taking no responsibility for why you stay… and you may be doing this without realizing it. Being a victim feels strangely secure, but it’s a prison that you choose to be in. If you remain, pain and anxiety will be constant companions. To break the chains of disrespect, distrust, and lack of love for yourself, you have to connect with the buried feelings you are trying to avoid. Because staying in a relationship where there is a lack of trust is less about your partner and more about you. But that means you can do something about it.

“I love failing and I don’t think it should be a dirty word.” —Lola Berry Lola Berry is one of those rare birds who runs towards what scares her and embraces failure, believing there is always something to learn. With every fail, fall, and drop, she builds her resilience and stands a little bit taller. As a kid, she wanted to be an actress, and today she is chasing that dream in Los Angeles. Born in Melbourne, Lola finally won her US green card… right after she met her boyfriend. Join me for a fun and connected conversation with Lola as she talks about her literal and figurative journey to where she is today—splitting her time between Los Angeles and Byron Bay, Australia (and how she makes her relationship work). In addition to being an actor, she is also a nutritionist, yoga instructor, podcaster, Instagram influencer, best-selling author and co-creator of a medicinal brain tonic called Lola Coffee. Her biggest piece of advice? Run towards what fills you up. Learn more about Lola: https://lolaberry.com/ https://www.instagram.com/yummololaberry/

When something doesn’t go your way in a relationship, or you don’t get what you want, insecurities can get triggered: I’m unlovable, I’m never a priority, this always happens to me, etc. And that can turn into desperation for what you’re not getting. You NEED it so you try to strategize how to get it... yet a feeling of powerlessness remains. In this week’s podcast we’ll look at what fuels this desperation. What stories do you have on repeat, and what beliefs are you perpetuating? What deeper feelings are you avoiding? I’ll also help you distinguish your true feelings from reactions because focusing on reactions can send you down a path of blame and victimhood. Once you start breaking down your stories and beliefs, you’ll find it much easier to get what you want.

Are you still stuck on a relationship that ended months, maybe even years ago? You’re still carrying this longing inside of you, always wondering what life would have been like if they had stayed. A part of you is still waiting for them to come back, to give you some kind of closure for the sacrifices you made. Looking back on your memories, you think you still love them. It may feel like love, but what you’re really feeling is attachment. To move past the emotional triggers that are still keeping you attached to your previous partner, you have to start by taking responsibility for your own emotions. Once you find your agency, you can empower yourself to make a change. In today’s podcast episode, learn 4 tips to let go of the pain of your past relationship and finally put it behind you.

Jen is a mom of six with a PhD in human development and family studies. Growing up in Iowa to farmer parents, Jen was often in charge of her younger brothers—even cooking meals by age 8. She kept the house running and constantly questioned whether her bedroom was clean enough. This, unsurprisingly, led to perfectionism and over-achieving (ahem, PhD and six kids!), so by her mid 30s she was massively burned out. “You deserve to be happy and fulfilled. If you can start to believe that, it will have a trickle-down effect on how you interact and how you hold boundaries.” —Jen Riday Join me for a conversation with Jen where she talks about the day she decided to be happy no matter what. It happened to be Christmas, but the gift she received was not joyous or expected. It did, however, set her down a path that led to where she is today: supporting women (mostly moms) who have lost themselves. She helps them take care of themselves and set healthy boundaries so they can realign their identity with who they really are. In addition to her Feel It To Heal It Method and BE HER Morning Ritual, Jen hosts a podcast to help women love their lives again. Learn more about Jen at: www.jenriday.com https://www.instagram.com/jenriday/ https://twitter.com/jenriday https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCViTDZF6CrTktP_y7j30_eQ https://www.facebook.com/jenriday/

Avoidants avoid—that’s what they do! And when they try to avoid pain, they remain stuck in a state of struggle (although they don’t know they’re in struggle). If you are an avoidant, your emotions are often left unbothered and undisturbed. You may go through life believing you’re happy because you have numbed the pain. But if a crisis hits and your emotions are out of control, you compartmentalize them, hoping someday you’ll feel better. You probably isolate yourself or shut down and avoid vulnerability in an attempt to protect yourself from pain. On the surface you look like you have everything together, but inside you’re filled with anxiety from trying to avoid your pain. If you’re the kind of person who bends over backward for a family member, yet gets frustrated because that person always complains, you may be avoiding a deeper pain. Maybe you don’t like to be criticized or do things wrong… but you don’t know that about yourself because you don’t allow yourself to “go there.” Instead, you bury those feelings and end up lashing out at your relative for being unappreciative. Trying to avoid pain won’t make it go away; it stays inside and creates a different kind of pain. Your emotions are running the show whether you pay attention to them or not. And when you try to ignore their existence, they can come out in uncontrolled ways. Instead of pretending pain doesn’t exist, or compartmentalizing it for dealing with “another time,” focus on it. The next time you feel yourself reacting, notice where you feel physical pain or tightness in your body. Just feel it. Practicing this will get you used to allowing the pain and you’ll come to realize it won’t kill you. In fact, it just may be the key to your happiness because you can’t feel joy without feeling pain.

Oh how intoxicating chemistry can be. The high that tells you you’re alive; a combustible mixture of floating and anxiety that makes you believe you can’t live without drinking the other person in. You think you need the fireworks…as if that’s real life. It’s not. Those outsized moments have nothing to do with reality or a healthy relationship. And how often is that high followed up with panic and desperation when you don’t hear from your flame? Welcome to attachment hell where you feel like you’re possessed by something outside of you and it takes your sanity with it. It may feel good in the moment, but attachment addiction always has you looking for your next hit. If this sounds even vaguely familiar, don’t miss this episode for some questions to ask yourself about what’s missing or stagnant in your life. Because hum-drum reality can actually be a wonderful place to live and engage in a true, authentic partnership.

When Marni was a kid, she knew deep down she wasn’t the favorite or the golden child, but she pretended it wasn’t true. As class president and editor of the school paper, overachieving was how she proved her worth. It wasn’t until after her failed marriage that Marni started looking for meaning that wasn’t attached to external achievements. “What are the things you’re pretending not to know that you know? They’re the truth.” —Marni Battista Join me for an enlightening conversation with Marni where she talks about engineering a dating process that made her “rejection-proof,” and why she sold her house to travel the country with her husband in a 400-foot RV. Today Marni is a transformational life, love, and relationship coach, as well as a podcast host and the founder of The Institute for Living Courageously. She has appeared on CBS, ABC, Dr. Phi and Loveline as a fill-in for Dr. Drew. Learn more about Marni at: Instagram: @datingwithdignity Instagram: @lifecheckyourself Youtube: Radical Living Challenge Pinterest: Dating With Dignity (datingwithdignity) - Profile | Pinterest Facebook: Life Check Yourself Facebook: Dating With Dignity - Marni Battista

Do you believe trust must be earned? Like your partner showing you their texts to prove he/she is dedicated. Trust isn’t about controlling what another person says or does, and it’s not something to be exchanged, like money. In fact, trust isn’t about other people at all—it’s about you. When you don’t trust yourself to handle a situation, you decide the other person is the problem. Trust occurs when words and actions match, and trust is broken when they don’t. You expect that from other people, but do you practice it yourself? In this episode we’ll talk about how to become the trustworthy person you expect others to be. And how it’s better to trust that you can handle life than to expect other people to change.

This episode is for all the chronic dieters out there. That used to be me. I was just as attached to dieting as I was to finding the perfect partner. Yes, attached to dieting because attachment usually doesn’t restrict itself to one area of your life. Whether the object of your attachment is a partner or food, they both come from a state of lack; you need something (or someone) to fill you up. If you believe you’ll be worthy of love once you hit your ideal weight, you might be attached to dieting. If you use food to soothe yourself (then crash diet and berate yourself) because doing deeper emotional work is hard, you might be attached to dieting. In this episode I’ll point out the similarities between love attachment and food/diet attachment, plus a few steps to bring more awareness to what you’re doing and why. If you are constantly at war with food and it’s keeping you from living your life, this one's for you.

Juliette’s life has been peppered with grief and trauma, beginning around age 10 when her brother lit their garage on fire and the family moved from Holland to Texas (without the brother). At 15, she found her mom after having swallowed sleeping pills, then swiftly took her to the hospital. As an adult she experienced several close family deaths, and later uncovered a trauma that she had buried: being raped by multiple men. Join me as I uncover what Juliette learned from all of this, including listening to her body and emotionally moving through trauma. Today she is a coach, teacher and mentor who writes about relationships, trauma, healing, sex and intimacy. Her specialty is helping clients move on from sexual trauma to rebuild intimate relationships again. Learn more about Juliette and her programs here: www.feelfullyyou.com www.theembodiedleadershipacademy.com Instagram: @juliettekaraman

You attract people exactly where you are. If you’re unavailable, you will attract someone who is unavailable. To attract open, you must BE open. People who are attracted to emotionally unavailable people are attached to UNREALISTIC outcomes, and their idea of a good partner is narrow—as in they need to fit the perfect picture. Maybe you want to meet someone so you don’t spend the holidays alone, providing a very limited opening for what you will accept. Even people who have done work on themselves can be drawn to emotionally unavailable people because it’s familiar. It stems from our negative beliefs, particularly “I am alone” and “there is not really enough.” We often look for evidence our beliefs are true, so we attract painful partners. As with everything, the first step is awareness. To move toward available, notice what you’re normally drawn to. What checklists do you have? Forget your “type” and pay attention to how certain attractive qualities feel to you. Where do you feel connected when you are with someone? Look for what you usually dismiss (i.e. values). Get to know yourself while being with people (without expectations) and see how you feel about them. Have a conversation without it needing to lead somewhere. Trying to make something happen doesn’t work, so relax and catch yourself if you start picking people apart. You never know when someone will show up, so stay open to possibility. It’s not about control; it’s about surrender. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

A lot of people are afraid of settling, and yet, those same people believe they don’t deserve what they want. They feel broken, hoping someone else will come along to fix them. To anyone who believes they’re broken, I offer this: it’s a lie. You are whole and have so much inside that is valuable. You just can’t see it… yet. When you feel broken, you end up sabotaging everything to prove you are, indeed, undeserving. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy driven by a lack of value. In this episode you’ll discover you’re NOT broken, that you don’t need someone to fix you (not that they could anyway!), and that the way to feel whole is to show your “broken” parts. Yep, it’s time to let that freak flag fly!

Dr. Helané Wahbeh is part clinical researcher and part intuitive. When she went to a channeling at her grandparent’s house at the age of 10, she connected with the intuitive side of herself. Named after her great grandmother who was a midwife and healer, Helané’s intrinsic desire to learn about health and healing let her to become a naturopathic physician. After a few years of private practice, something called her back to research where she studied mindfulness meditation in combat veterans with PTSD. Through her interviews with these veterans, she was hit with all this “other” information she couldn’t talk about in meetings. “Everyone has the capacity to channel in one way or another, but the way it shows up for them is unique.” --Dr. Helané Wahbeh Feeling split between her researcher work self and intuitive personal self, Helané sought a way to bring those two sides together. Naturally, a few synchronistic events led her in that direction. Today she is the Director of Research at the Institute of Noetic Sciences which studies interconnectedness through science and direct experience. She is also an adjunct assistant professor in the Department of Neurology at Oregon Health & Science University and president of the Parapsychological Association. Join me for an enlightening conversation with Helané about intuition, channeling, quantum physics, meditation and more. Learn more about Helané and the Institute of Noetic Sciences here: Institute of Noetic Sciences: www.noetic.org Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrWahbeh LinkedIn: http://linkedin.com/in/drwahbeh/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drwahbeh/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/DrWahbeh

“Toxic” gets thrown around a lot lately as though it’s a disease we want to stay away from. “Get that toxic person away from me!” or “I only want positive people in my life.” When parents say something triggering, they’re toxic. When a partner or roommate has a meltdown over dirty dishes in the sink, they’re toxic. This is how we create distance. You are absolutely in charge of who you spend time with, but instead of writing them off, get curious about what they’re triggering in you. In this episode we’ll look at the difference between someone who triggers painful emotions and actual toxicity. What are your expectations of them and why? Labeling someone as toxic is disempowering because your emotional state is in someone else’s hands; they’re “making” you feel angry, annoyed, etc. There’s a better way. Use the trigger as an opportunity for growth, and trust you’ll be ok no matter what other people do.

Oh denial, what a comfy, cozy place it can be. Especially when you’re in denial about being attached. It’s easier to dress it up to family and friends so it doesn’t sound as bad as it feels. It’s easier to lie to yourself so you don’t have to deal with disappointment. And maybe, if you deny what’s going on, you won’t have to face all those painful negative feelings, right? Wrong. Hoping and wishing for something to be different doesn’t make those feelings disappear or lessen over time. It just strengthens them, keeping you miserable. Denying your situation is the opposite of trusting yourself because it says you can’t handle it (which is not true). In this episode we’ll look at what you’re sacrificing to live in denial about your attachment, and what it’s ultimately costing you. Healthy relationships exist in reality. When you admit you’re attached, you’ll be one brave step closer to having the loving, happy relationship you deserve.

“Positive psychology and entrepreneurship are vehicles to activate and strengthen and thrive.” --Niyc Pidgeon Niyc Pidgeon is known as “the girl who made Elon Musk cry” because of her thought-provoking, emotional question to him about the challenges of entrepreneurship. But it was her own challenges that led her to study positive psychology. At a young age, Niyc was bullied in school for being academically advanced—particularly in math and science. This led to a pivotal moment that involved her mom’s medicine cabinet, an ambulance call and a change of schools…which all set her down a new path. Join me for an enlightening conversation with Niyc as she talks us through what drew her to positive psychology, and how her research was put to the test in real life through the myriad challenges she faced (rape and suicide among them). Post-healing, she moved from England to the US, wrote a best-selling book and made $1 million before she was 30. Today she is business coach, founder of the multi-million dollar brand Unstoppable Success and creator of The Positive Psychology Coach Academy Certification. Learn more about Niyc, and get a free copy of her book “Now Is Your Chance” here: https://www.nowisyourchancebook.com/free Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/niycpidgeon Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/niycpidge/ Website: https://www.niycpidgeon.com/home

Codependency can feel like an addiction. You surrender your own feelings to make another person happy, using them as a way to fulfill needs you should be fulfilling yourself. Maybe you can't even remember a time when a relationship didn’t feel like work. You're always sacrificing your own happiness to make someone else happy. But how did you get to this place? How does someone become codependent? Unfortunately, codependency is often a seed planted in childhood. It grows alongside you as you develop your identity and the way you communicate. In today’s podcast, learn how the relationships you observed as a child influenced your adult relationships, and learn how you can use this knowledge to break free of your codependent behavior.

I want you, and I want you NOW. Have you ever wanted someone so badly that you’ll run down anything that stands in your way? Maybe you think of elaborate ways to hook them, thinking he or she is the answer to your prayers. It’s an urgency caused by the intensity of illusion. Yes, illusion. That’s because this intense feeling disguises itself as love, but it isn’t love. It’s attachment, and unfortunately, attachment is what many of us learn from society. It’s a desperate desire to be loved, and when you don’t get it, you wonder what you’re doing wrong. In this episode we’ll look at the illusion you’re living in, where you believe the situation or the person you want will magically change (he’ll finally leave her; she’ll eventually see what a catch I am). You’ll learn that disappointment, which you’re trying to avoid, can actually be a great friend and teacher. Because despite what you might see in the movies, love isn’t urgent. That dramatic arc? That’s attachment. Being able to distinguish between the two is a critical step toward finding actual love.

Alison grew up in a rural area surrounded by nature, so she always felt connected to it, feeling a greater sense of life around her. Then at 12 years old, Alison’s mom pointed out that she had a natural understanding of people, and suggested she become psychologist. That resonated with her, so Alison pursued a psychology major in college, but dropped it after three semesters because she wasn’t learning how to be the happiest, most thriving version of herself (that would come later!). Then, while working in a high-stress political job to protect the environment, she strolled through a bookstore and a meditation book literally fell off the shelf. It was a sign. “If we in the west only valued what’s in the invisible and understood the science behind how consciousness and our subtle energy system works, we would have so much more thriving and so much less suffering.” –Alison Kay Join me as Alison shares her unconventional journey from environmental legislation to teaching in Taiwan to where she is now, which is a subtle energies practitioner and natural healer with a holistic approach towards helping others thrive in mind, body and spirit. She’ll also touch on the 20-year window of purging we’re currently in, and the opportunities that exist. Today her mission is to support the next higher evolution of the collective and create change for the health of this planet and those who are ready to unleash every part of the magic within them. Where to learn more about Alison: Website: https://www.alisonjkay.com/ Twitter: @ajkbliss Facebook: www.facebook.com/drAlisonJKayofVibrationalUPgrade Linkedin: @dralisonjkay

A lot of people have one foot in and one foot out… in all areas of life. In this podcast, however, I’m going to focus on commitment (or lack thereof) when it comes to long-term relationships, whether you are in one or want to be in one. We are often quick to point out someone else’s commitment issues while failing to see our own. Remember, other people are a mirror for you. Whatever you identify as a problem in someone else is likely a problem for you. As an example: When you think, “If my partner really loved me, he/she would marry me,” you’re focused on what you can get from them; you’re giving your power away. That statement comes from fear, not love. Marriage may provide temporary validation, but it can’t fill the emptiness inside of you. In dysfunctional relationships, we wait for the other person to change, because we think WE are the healthy one. Nope, not true. It takes two to tango so if you believe it’s all on your partner, you’re wrong. The question isn’t, “How do I get a commitment from my partner?” You need to ask yourself why you want the commitment, and why it’s more important than anything else. Dig deep, why must you have this commitment? What does it give you inside of yourself? Where do you feel insecure, and why do you think that will go away if this person commits to you? These are hard questions, but you need to be clear with yourself before you can have clarity with your partner… which is the next step. Have a conversation that isn’t an ultimatum. Say what’s true for you. Get vulnerable and express your fears. Commitment isn’t about the other person; it’s about honoring yourself and what you want on a DEEPER level.

Are you always reading into what your significant other is doing--or not doing? Every ignored text, every forwarded call becomes a sign of the way they feel about you. When you take every action personally, you are giving them authority over your emotional state. To fight this helpless feeling, you may have turned to the silent treatment. Whether you’re ignoring them as a punishment or a way to make them miss you, it’s giving you a false sense of control. The key to a healthy relationship is not to ignore them, but to communicate openly about your feelings. You have to stop focusing on what you think is about you and focus on what you can control--your own actions. In today’s episode, learn how to stop personalizing others and take control of your emotions.

Jeff Sammut is a comedy writer, performer and host of “Canada Now with Jeff Sammut” on Sirius XM. Growing up, Jeff was surrounded by radio and fell in love with it at a young age. Lucky for him, he snagged his first radio job at age of 17… and 27 years later, he’s still working in it. Jeff admits he’s fortunate. Not everyone knows what they want to do, let alone make it happen and still love it decades later. But luck is only part of the equation—Jeff credits famed improv school Second City for changing everything. Not only did it break him out of his shell and challenge him creatively, but he also learned how to fail in front of an audience, which has been invaluable in his work and his life. Join me for a spirited conversation with Jeff about his self-awareness journey of accepting reality and learning to ask for help, plus why he prefers radio over TV and the role insecurities play in conversations about polarizing topics. “Take the leap. Make sure it’s calculated, but take the leap. Don’t think that you can’t do it.” –Jeff Sammut Learn more about Jeff: http://www.jeffsammut.com/ Twitter: @jeffsammut Instagram: @sammutjeff

Attachment is the most painful form of struggle. Attachment to a person, an idea, food, money, a negative belief… the list goes on and on. That attachment is driven by fear, and it’s learned in childhood. You watched how love was given or withheld, and what you had to do in order to get it. Growing up you became attached to the way you saw the world, and your place in it. If you felt empty, you would become attached to whatever might fill you up. Struggle felt normal because that’s what you knew. But when you choose struggle, you tend to attract more of it, creating a vicious cycle. And so it goes with attachment—the tighter your grip, the more it shows up. So how do you stop? In this episode I’ll challenge you to really look at what you’re doing, then ask yourself where it comes from (your childhood conditioning), why you are attached to it and what it keeps you from realizing. This will give you insight into your attachment so you can slowly break the patterns that created it. Choice by choice, action by action, you can get off the struggle bus.

Who’s the good girl and who’s the bad? I was always bad and tried to be good. I just did not fit in with the idea of good although, I was not out in the world doing bad things 24/7. I just questioned authority. I questioned the status quo and at times I felt I could do a better job at my work or in saving the world than others. You too? Cool you’re in the right place! You may have felt this way, and yet there is a part of you waiting to be proven wrong. Not the mature adult you, but that old part that was conditioned to “girls need to fit in and take care of others first.” Among so many other messages that did not serve you. The obstacles you place in your way start with you having to be the leader—yes you…if you were like me you were president of all your childhood clubs, you were inventing clubs for people to belong to…you were director and lead actress of all your plays as a little kid and so on….I always had to be in control but who knew then what my trajectory was going to be? I did. I marched to my own band. I also saw things from a different perspective, as many female leaders do. The issue only became an issue when I had to get others on my team to get as excited about things, that is when I started to sacrifice myself and say sorry, or worry I was wrong or bad, because someone disagreed with how I did my job or ran my business. Yes, always waiting to be found out but let me apologize in the meantime.

Negative beliefs have a field day in your head, but they also creep out to your interactions with others, to you looking in the mirror and being judgmental and a plethora of other ways you rain on your own parade. WHY DO YOU NEED TO BE ANYONE ELSE? You are YOU…more feminine or more masculine—there is no right or wrong, but the truth is so many of you judge how you are supposed to be and then the sinking feeling when things do not go your way hits and you feel too much or not enough. Feeling not enough or too much in the moment stops you in the middle of a conversation, in the middle of anything and everything inside of your body. That heaviness, may have you immediately switch course to find a way to hide out, or it may have you say things out of fear of losing whatever attention you have on you….those feelings influence your choices when you are not okay with them. The judgment stick you use is what makes it hard to do the things you really want to do. And if it is a relationship, a job, money, socialization or just getting out of bed, it will deflate your energy and have you play small. Keeping you hooked in the scarcity of whatever you fear.

When you’re a kid and your mom or dad reacted to you at times as though you had done something wrong, and you had not. You might have felt misunderstood or confused by their words or actions. In those moments, mom or dad were dealing with their own stuff and some of their frustration, anger, exhaustion, sadness, anxiety, etc was put on you. As an adult, do you still carry baggage leftover from your parents' choices? We are clueless as kids, we have no idea why mom or dad feel how they do and treat us how they do. They weren’t saying, “Hey, I am really frustrated by this problem at work and I am sorry I took it out on you.” Or maybe they ignored you, no matter how much you wanted their attention? And at other time they told you that you were too much, too difficult, or always doing something wrong. Whatever it was that created the idea that you were somehow responsible for how your parents felt, it was not a true observation, even if they said how they felt was all your fault. The truth is: Your parents projected their own insecurities and issues onto you. Their choices had nothing to do with you, in how they chose to treat you and everything to do with the qualities they were lacking in how to deal. It's time to put down the baggage you've been carrying. In this podcast episode, you'll learn how to break through your old thoughts of who you are through someone else's eyes, and become who you really are.

Robbie Kramer was popular in his small, private school growing up, but when he asked a girl out in 7th grade and got rejected, his confidence was crushed. It wasn’t until the end of his junior year of high school that he mustered up enough courage to try again. This time, it was successful and he continued his dating spree through college. After graduation, however, Robbie worked long hours at an investment bank and realized he didn’t know how to date in the traditional sense—when he wasn’t surrounded by college girls. This led him to study personal growth and attraction through books, workshops and mastermind groups. He discovered that attraction wasn’t just physical, and the act of attracting someone could be learned. Putting his new-found knowledge to the test, Robbie became the test subject in his own dating experiment. In 2006 he launched a blog that documented his crazy stories, growing his audience of men who wanted to crack the dating code themselves. In 2008, after losing his banking job, Robbie became a fulltime dating coach. Today he runs Inner Confidence, a coaching business that shows men exactly how to create the lifestyle of their dreams in a way that actually works. No quick fixes. No magic pills. Just tested, proven and easily implementable advice that works. Join me in this spirited conversation where Robbie shares dating tips from a male perspective, and learn what he did to take the pressure off dating, allowing him to take risks and ultimately build his own confidence. “There’s no way to escape the rejection aspect of dating…if you can get to the point where it’s not that big of a deal, you’re going to be way more confident than the rest of the dating pool.” –Robbie Kramer Learn more about Robbie at: Website: https://innerconfidence.com/ Instagram: @robbie_kramer

You just poured your heart out to a friend or mate via text and got some annoying response like “sorry to hear that,” or no reply at all. What gives? Now on top of feeling vulnerable from what you just shared, you’re hurt, confused and angry. How dare they make you feel this way! Wait, how can someone MAKE you feel something? They can’t. No one reaches inside you and presses a button that causes your reaction. You feel this way because you’re attached to an outcome; perhaps you were expecting sympathy, validation, concern or something else from them. This is how insecure attachment works, folks. Wanting something from someone and not getting it can stir up anxiety and neediness, or it can cause you to shut down and run. Maybe both! The antidote? First, understand your intention. Second, speak your truth because truth isn’t attached to an outcome. It is a pure expression from your heart that expects nothing in return. That’s what we’re talking about in this episode because expectations like these are painful, and they can damage relationships.

The hard truth about insecure attachment is that it doesn’t just affect your personal relationships. It affects every part of your life, including your career. Whether you’re struggling with boundaries at work or micromanaging your coworkers to feel validation, all your behaviors stem from fear. You’re afraid that your colleagues will see you as a failure, or they will criticize you. I’ve been in your shoes, and I let my insecurity affect my work life for a long time. Despite being promoted, managing others, I was a huge people-pleaser and perfectionist, despite winning sales awards, I never felt fulfilled. I would swing from one management extreme to the next, micromanaging and then letting them fend for themselves. I held so many negative feelings toward my work, as I was truly disconnected from it, but I stayed there because I was afraid. This insecure attachment is costing you opportunities, money, and happiness. If you’re ready to make a change and start taking action in your work, listen to today’s episode. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Your relationship with yourself is reflected in your relationships with others. If you didn’t receive much unconditional love as a kid, you do not know what it’s like to give yourself love and attention. And if you don’t give those to yourself, others won’t be able to give them to you because you teach people how to treat you. Disregard your own feelings and other people will follow your lead. You also can’t receive what doesn’t already exist inside you, so if you’re looking for someone to fill an internal void, it won’t work. You will continue to struggle with your relationships if you do not become emotionally available to yourself first. So how do you become more emotionally available to yourself? Start owning and valuing your own feelings. This will be uncomfortable because you’ve probably spent your life avoiding and/or discounting them. But if you don’t value your feelings, no one else will. You will continue looking for people who give you breadcrumbs of love and attention because it’s what’s familiar. Your feelings matter—even the ones that seem silly, stupid or wrong. Accept and embrace ALL of them. Do that and you’ll build your value, which in turn will make you more open, loving and emotionally available.

Think about something in your life that you continually complain about. Maybe it’s a partner who won’t commit, or your inability to get past a first date. Do you feel defeated and/or concerned you can’t have what you want? As with many things, it boils down to a lack of self-worth. If you believed in yourself, you wouldn’t worry so much. By contrast, look at the things you don’t sweat. Maybe it’s constructive feedback at work or squabbles with a family member that happen over and over, but don’t get you down. Whatever it is, if it’s something you do well or aren’t afraid of losing, you’re usually not concerned about it. The areas where you DO get wrapped up in concern are what you want to pay attention to. In this podcast we’ll look at what you get hung up on, believing it’s elusive, and why. Awareness will help you stop the behavioral patterns that can lead to self-sabotage. Because you ARE capable of handing life, even when it doesn’t go the way you want.

Anxiety and insecure attachment often go hand-in-hand. I’ve thought about this a lot recently because my boyfriend has no real concept of anxiety and that horrible feeling I used to have that I might die. Why? Because he’s securely attached. It’s helped me see how far I’ve come in my own growth because I don’t suffer like I used to, but at the same time I realize how much anxiety played a role in my life, especially with the partners I chose. I used to pick men who had their own issues around insecure attachment, which reflected all of my insecurities and perpetuated this cycle of unease. Healthy relationships based in secure attachment are NOT characterized this way, but I didn’t have a clue; I thought my relationship experiences were perfectly normal. If you’re not honest with yourself about who you’re choosing and why, you’ll keep focusing on people who reflect your own insecurities, increase your anxiety and aren’t available for emotional support. When in an anxious state, you don’t make choices based on what you want… you unknowingly make them out of fear. You choose relationships that enable you to relive childhood fears of abandonment, creating a constant state of insecure anxiety. To become more secure, you have to consistently connect with those out-of-control feelings. You have to stop engaging in behavior which perpetuates the cycle of making your problems worse, and look at where you are emotionally closed. When you’re able to get to the point where you’re no longer watching the other person to see what happens, it’s a sign you’ve loosened anxiety’s grip on you.

Having trouble detaching from a toxic relationship that is over because you swear he or she was your best friend? You try “no contact” and focus on yourself, which is great until you hear from them and lose all the ground you gained. You get sucked back into the hope that he or she has become the person you believed they could be, you know the best friend you imagined them to be plus more (lover, partner, et al). You hold onto fantasies and expectations about the day they will finally wake up and get it. Does that happen? No, but you aren’t able to detach. It’s hard to commit to your own well-being when you can’t let go. No matter how many times this person has hurt you, you may still feel this “best friend” connection to them, which is a painful place to live; especially if they have moved on and are in a relationship with someone else. Don’t fight against your feelings—they are real and should be acknowledged—but look at what is actually happening. The more you see what’s true, the more clarity you’ll have around what you’re actually attached to. Ask yourself if you were putting this person on a pedestal and giving the relationship more meaning than it deserved. You want to matter enough to yourself to be able to move on so you’re not stuck in a situation where you receive breadcrumbs.

As a kid, Polly wanted to be anyone other than herself. She felt like a weird kid and was uncomfortable in her own skin. Growing up in a tumultuous household with an aggressive and violent stepfather, Polly learned early on to tune into nonverbal cues, something that has served her well as a coach. As she got older, she naturally gravitated toward relationships with men who treated her poorly. Because of her low self-esteem, she put up with cheaters. She thought that’s what she deserved even though it broke her every time. Later she realized she let others treat her badly because she didn’t have a loving relationship with herself. “The level of empathy you have for other people directly correlates with the level of empathy you have for yourself.” Join me for some straight talk with Polly about how our experiences “code” us, how we reflect our intolerance onto others, how a picture of yourself as a child can be a powerful healing tool and much more. She’ll share a big wakeup call she had 11 years AFTER she started coaching that led to big shifts in her life and career. Today Polly works with entrepreneurs, C-suite executives, athletes and more to disrupt their beliefs and self-imposed barriers that limit their potential. She also created “The Grumpit,” a character and self-help storybook that helps children build self-esteem and grow their confidence. Learn more about Polly and her work: Website: https://thepollybateman.com/ Instagram: @thepollybateman Linkedin: @thepollybateman/

Imagine what it would be like not to beat yourself up all the time, or to stop shaming yourself for the mistakes you’ve made. What would it be like to tell your inner critic to shut up, and instead make choices that feel good to you? I’ll tell you what it would feel like: it would be fabulous. I know this because that’s where I live now… although I used to have a very different address. I used to think my best life hinged on my partner. If things were great with him, my life would be peachy. Well, that’s not called fabulous; that’s called attachment. If you are making (bad) decisions because of the person you’re attached to, you are not living your best life. Those decisions come from fear of losing the relationship, not from love. They come from scarcity, not abundance. When you stay in attachment, your world becomes very small. In this week’s podcast I’ll help you identify what you actually want and start making decisions that feel good. Because you deserve fabulous!

When insecurely attached to someone, you probably react to them in one of three ways (depending on your mood or day of the week): wanting to run away screaming, clinging like a piece of moss or numbing yourself so you don’t feel much of anything. This back-and-forth can make you feel crazy and out of control, like you are trying to cut an invisible cord between you and the other person. But you can’t cut it and you are stuck in struggle. Perhaps your partner says he/she will commit, but never does, so you keep looking externally for answers. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work and just perpetuates the struggle. Instead of fighting the anxiety and frustration of your current situation, stop. Struggle is a choice, so give yourself permission to be right where you are. You can continue going in circles or you can surrender to where you are right now and accept all of your feelings around it. It’s ok to feel stuck, it’s ok to feel frustrated, it’s ok to feel crazy. Allow all of it, then be curious about what you can learn. When you are able to say, “Ok, I am tied to this person right now but I’m going to dig deeper into what I am attracted to and why,” you will move away from struggle and eventually outgrow the situation.

You can picture it: that special someone loving you, supporting you, giving to you, doing things for you. You have a vision for how your life will be when that person is in it (and it’s a lot better than your life is now!). If it doesn’t happen, you imagine yourself crumbling into a million pieces. It HAS to happen. This can be a desperate feeling full of shame, believing if you don’t find that person, it means you’re worthless. You need them to love you so YOU can love you. But, my friends, that’s backwards. First you must focus on loving yourself. That’s not always easy, especially if your parents didn’t know how to show you love and affection. In this week’s podcast we’ll use a journaling exercise to explore the emptiness you feel, and what it would be like to have someone love you so you can start directing those things toward yourself. You can choose to live in a fantasy of what being loved would be like, or you can take steps toward creating it. Reality is available to you, and it’s so much better than the dream.

Petia grew up in the Czech Republic, and from an early age, she was a people pleaser. She learned from her abusive stepdad that everything had to be perfect. Petia washed dishes and cleaned the house while her little brother watched TV, yet her deepest desire was to be loved. Not getting the love she wanted, Petia developed an eating disorder at age 11 which she struggled with for two decades. At 18 she ran away from home and even attempted suicide. Gravitating toward what she knew, her relationships were often with abusive men who cheated on her. She went through life believing something was wrong with her, yet a deeper feeling tugged at her, telling her there was more. With the help of a mentor, Petia identified her core values and realized that her choices in life actually went against those values. She also saw how she lost herself in relationships, catering to her partner’s needs while ignoring her own. Join me for a lively conversation with Petia where we talk about self-love, surrender, manifesting (which is how she met her current husband), Human Design and more. Today she works as a transformational coach and podcast host of “Unapologetically Abundant,” helping women align with who they are and creating abundance in their lives. Learn more about Petia and her work here: Website: https://petiakolibova.com/ Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/petia-kolibova-coach/ FacebookGroup: https://www.facebook.com/groups/unapologeticallyabundant IG: www.instagram.com/petiakolibova

You find out your partner is cheating the same day your bathroom floods. Then you call your friend on the way to the hardware store and get rear ended. We’ve all had days like that (ok, maybe not exactly like that!), but those days or series of days where the world feels like it’s conspiring against you. And of course, the first question you ask is WHY? What did you do to deserve this? It feels like your life is falling apart before your eyes. We like to believe that if we’re good girls and boys, life will go our way. Unfortunately, that’s not how things work. Sometimes the s**t hits the fan. Not because you’re bad, but because life does life. I have been challenged with this lately with my husband in the hospital. I can control my thoughts, my actions, my feelings and my words, but I can’t control life. I can’t pick and choose the outcomes I want. In this week’s episode we’ll talk about that desire for control and letting go of it. How to look at what you’re holding onto and why. How to be emotionally present and process your feelings instead of avoiding them. Because you still have choices, even when it feels like life has turned its back on you. Maybe the way forward is different than you thought, but you can absolutely keep on truckin’.

You have probably heard some version of “what you think, you create.” Meaning your thoughts create your reality. If your love life feels like a train wreck (or any part of your life, really), this can be a scary idea. Are you creating the situation you don’t want by ruminating on negative thoughts? By constantly thinking there are no “good ones” out there, are you actually making it true? Well… yes and no. Thoughts play a role, but they are not the only factor. Trying to simply stop the thoughts or replace them with positive affirmations doesn’t make them go away. It runs much deeper than that. In this week’s podcast we’ll talk about everything that exists between thoughts and actions, and where to focus if you want to change your situation. Believing your reality is only caused by your thoughts is limiting and untrue. If you want to change what isn’t working, you need to look at your emotions, beliefs, motivation, words and actions that stem from your thoughts. The good news is if you do this, you absolutely can change your life! WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Don’t worry about what you think. Pay attention to your feelings, actions and motivation because THAT is creating your life.

Did you grow up feeling you were too much, not enough, too nice, too cold, too sensitive, too shy, too annoying, too inquisitive or too ANYTHING? Basically, instead of being loved for your whole self, did you feel like you were simply tolerated? Maybe you wondered, throughout your life, if people even liked being around you because those too much/not enough beliefs were always with you. So, to move from tolerance to love, you worked hard to prove yourself worthy of someone else’s company. And did those people (intimate partners, friends, family members, etc.) treasure you for the wonderful human you are? Probably not. Why? Because you didn’t treasure you. Self-love isn’t simply about spa visits, eating healthy, working out or treating yourself to a new outfit. It is attention, connection and awareness to yourself. And you cultivate it by slowing down, feeling your feelings and choosing what makes you happy. When you love yourself, you have compassion for who you are, what you are and why you are. And that is where true love with someone else begins… because love from another person won’t feel good unless you feel it for yourself first. In this week’s podcast I’ll share three questions to ask yourself to shift from external “give-it-to-me” love to true self-love. You deserve more, but to get it, you have to step up and show yourself some love. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Self-love comes from all the in-between moments not the pinnacles! Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

What do you want from me? What do you need from me? How can I make your life easier (while draining myself)? If these questions, or some version of them, come out of your mouth frequently, your value probably comes from what you do, not who you are. Throw insecure attachment into the mix and you can become over-the-top nutty in what you’ll do to receive validation that you’re okay. And that need can feel like trudging uphill backwards, especially if it seems like someone always gets more than you. Like there are only so many pieces of validation pie and you have to fight for your slice. But what if you didn’t have to perform like a circus seal, and could feel valued simply for breathing? How weird would THAT be? In this week’s episode we’ll explore why you overperform and when it started (yep, probably childhood). Where did that urge to be “extra” come from, and when did it become your default setting? Then I’ll challenge you NOT to perform and sit with those feelings. Patterns are hard to break because the feelings are so uncomfortable, but if you can sit through them and see that you don’t die, you’ll be able to do it again. And again. Because the belief you don’t have value is simply untrue. It just became a pattern that needs to be broken.

Are you in a relationship or dating someone who’s more robot than human; someone who intellectualizes everything and doesn’t show any warmth? Or what about someone who makes big promises all the time and never, ever follows through? Or maybe you’re with someone who appears and disappears without warning, pretending it’s normal, making you think YOU are the crazy one? These are signs of an Avoidant relationship. If you find yourself in one, you have to ask yourself… why are you there? Is it because you mistake those butterfly feelings for real love? Those feelings actually stem from a fear of abandonment. You’re trying to get the other person to cooperate with you and see your value, fearing they will leave you at any moment. It’s chemistry mixed with anxiety. There is also zero consistency in these relationships. So if you’re in a situation like this, realize it’s not healthy and look at how you got here. You made the choice to be with an Avoidant… which means you are also an Avoidant. Or an Anxious Avoidant. Securely attached people do not, I repeat do NOT, engage with people like this. Nobody who loves and accepts themself will put up with someone who is inconsistent and won’t emotionally commit. Period. In this episode I’ll show you how to identify what blocks you from giving to yourself and showing yourself love. Because this lack of self-love is what leads you to seek it from people who are unable to give it. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Are you living with secrets? Maybe you're hiding your shopping receipts from your husband, or maybe you're leaving out parts of your stories because you fear the repercussions. In some cases, you might not even be aware that you're withholding information from your significant other. All these secrets stem from one ultimate truth: you're afraid of change. You can't be 100% committed to someone if you're still hiding parts of your life. Keeping secrets may save you from ever having to change, but it also keeps you from experiencing a happy, healthy relationship. If you're ready to be courageous and leave secrets behind, listen to today's podcast episode.

Zehra Mahoon had just moved to Canada from Pakistan with her husband and baby. Then her mother became terminally ill. And her husband had an affair. When they separated, her husband left the country and took his money with him, leaving Zehra in debt with no means of income. Knowing her options would be even more limited in Pakistan as a single mom, she vowed to stay in Canada and make it work… whatever that meant. “When you plan, you create attachment to the outcome.” Join me for Zehra’s story of tenacity and surrender, deciding to say yes to whatever the Universe presented without questioning it. Each step has led to where she is today, an example of what she now teaches: the Law of Attraction. She is the author of 12 books and the creator of the Unlimited 40-day Law of Attraction Workout. That debt she was left with? Zehra now owns multiple properties and has a thriving business, all of which she credits to trusting the Universe. Learn more about Zehra: Website: http://www.zmahoon.com Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/zmahoon/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/zmahoon/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/zmahoon Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtQjGQsjoS4rbfv0JxyAn4A

How’s your relationship with money? They don’t call it a relationship for nothing. Just like love, if you are insecurely attached, your money relationship is probably based in scarcity. Just like love, it mirrors what you believe you deserve. Just like love, you fear it will disappear. Having money isn’t the issue—many insecurely attached folks are financially successful. It’s the feelings and fears associated with money that create problems, just like an intimate relationship. If you are stingy with money, overspend, feel guilty spending (especially on yourself), fear losing it, avoid looking at your balance or just have general anxiety around money, you need this episode. Join me as I share the common threads between money and love, and how insecure attachment affects both. Just like love, healing your relationship with money starts with awareness. It involves commitment, connecting with your emotions around finances, making different choices and growing your self-worth. When you believe you deserve, scarcity gives way to abundance. It’s not about how much you have in the bank; it’s about feeling good regardless of your balance. Because when you have enough (money AND love), you stop the anxious search and celebrate what you have.

If you can’t live without someone, and are knee-deep in soulmate territory where you need them to “complete” you, you are very likely stuck in attachment. You have a picture in your head of what you want your life to be and how you want to feel, so you’re trying to fit them into it, regardless of how things really are. So you push and pull, trying to mold them into what you want. Perhaps you cherry pick the good moments to convince yourself they’re the one. But where are their feelings in all of this? Are you in this relationship together, or are you just focused on getting what you want? And are you even getting it? Attachment is self-absorption in many ways. Not because you’re self-centered or a bad person—not at all. You are simply reacting to your pain, which can be all-consuming. It’s an emptiness that needs to be fed, so you are constantly looking for ways to fill it. The quicker the better because you’re in scarcity land and it may disappear in a blink. Attachment like this can be an out-of-body experience where you are completely disconnected from your deeper feelings. In this week’s podcast I challenge you to look beyond yourself to see the other person for who they truly are—with empathy and compassion. This will help loosen that tight grip of yours so you ease anxiety and see your relationship a little more clearly. Wisdom Nugget (#wisdomnugget) Self absorption is attachment. Feeling your real feelings will help you connect better with others. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Allana grew up with a co-dependent mom and drunk dad, leading her to become a people-pleasing “yes” person who was completely disconnected from herself. Always spinning, never still, Allana jumped into her first marriage with a Wall Street guy who encouraged her to go to an ivy league college. Accomplishments made Allana feel safe, which was always her motivation, so she went to Columbia. Inside she was lost, but she worked hard to make sure no one found out how messed up she was. After divorcing her husband and moving to LA, Allana started exploring her intimate, spiritual side. Join me as Allana talks about her “failed” relationships, including one with her son, and how each was actually successful because of what she needed to learn. Her healing began with allowing, then curiosity, followed by compassion and eventually unconditional love. Today Allana is an Intimacy expert and author of six books who helps people live and love with an open heart. Her Heartmates Partnering App & Intimacy Training is the anti-dating app, designed to help singles become the one, find the one and keep the one. “It’s beautiful to come home to yourself.” –Allana Pratt Learn more about Allana here: Website: https://allanapratt.com/ Instagram: @allanapratt Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/coachallanapratt Twitter: @allanapratt YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/AlanaPratt

I get a lot of questions about avoidants. People want to know if avoidant and anxious attachment styles can be happy together, and if there is any hope for their avoidant partner. Well, it depends on the amount of emotional work an avoidant is willing to do because this stuff runs deep. As children, avoidants learned to protect themselves from being hurt, which they carry into adulthood. Most avoidants are smart, successful people with a serious case of imposter syndrome. They fear being exposed for who they really are, so they avoid getting close to people. Their goal is not to get hurt (which they learned as a kid), but in return they sacrifice emotionally connected relationships. Join me for a deep dive into how avoidants avoid, both in relationships and in their own personal growth. Then we’ll look at how to deal with those shameful feelings of not being good enough and low self-worth to start removing the emotional armor, piece by piece.

Do you choose love, or are you waiting to be chosen? Maybe you believe love has forgotten about you, or it’s reserved for other, more “deserving” people. Instead of opening yourself up to it, you ruminate on what you don’t have, believing you’re being punished by some mysterious force. That, my friends, is playing the love victim. Love is actually a choice, but to get there, you have to see how your actions are working against you to create what you don’t want. Shame around being single, negative beliefs that say you’re not good enough and fear of abandonment all contribute to feeling like love isn’t available to you. And when that’s what you believe, you’ll pick partners who support that belief; it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. In this week’s podcast I’ll challenge you to look at your situation as an observer to zero in on what you’re choosing to create. Yes, CHOOSING. Having love starts with owning your choices and deciding to make new ones. If everything is a choice, why not choose love?

Gina DeVee is a published author, speaker, podcast host, business coach and self-made multimillionaire who built the women’s empowerment and lifestyle brand, Divine Living. But she started out as a broke, struggling, co-dependent psychotherapist who made $2,000 month working 75 hours/week and living with her parents. Gina grew up in the Detroit suburbs where money was scarce, so everything was “expensive.” If you wanted more money, you had to work harder. So that’s what she did… until she burned out and realized she had some internal issues to deal with, like her warped relationship with money and her desperate need to be loved and accepted by others. Listen in as Gina shares how she turned her wish, her hope and her dream of living a bigger life into reality while staying true to who she is. There were mentors, vision boards, serendipitous moments and leaps of faith along the way, plus a $3,000 investment in herself that changed everything. In 2021 her business went through a radical transformation that she resisted at first, but eventually surrendered to, and now she’s finding herself in places she never would’ve imagined. What hasn’t changed is her dedication to helping women connect spiritually, start profitable businesses and create wealth from a feminine perspective. “It’s not about knowing the next thing. It’s about creating the space so it can come to you.”—Gina DeVee You can learn more about Gina including her book, podcast, and online community here: Website: https://www.divineliving.com/ Instagram: @GinaDeVee Instagram: @DivineLiving Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/divinelivingpodcast/members Twitter: @ginadevee

Did you grow up with a narcissistic mom? Her behavior may have been unpredictable, and you never knew what was going to set her off. She might have been manipulative, always looking for your validation and sympathy. Whether she was a malignant narcissist or a covert narcissist, her actions shaped your current behavior and your relationship insecurity. Her criticism and inconsistency made you afraid of emotional intimacy. In many ways, she created your first codependent relationship. The good news is that, even though your mom instilled these behaviors in you from a young age, you can still change this cycle of insecure attachment. Listen to today’s episode to learn how your mom’s narcissism affects your current relationships and how you can finally end the fear and insecurity you feel. Want to submit your question for Tracy's FB Live? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

While we may be aware of our distrust of love, we often identify our fears as negative (i.e. rejection or abandonment). But often it’s fear of positive emotions—more specifically intimacy—that keeps love elusive. Those of us who fear intimacy actually want it quite badly, but feel we don’t deserve it because our negative beliefs are always running in the background. We pick “safe” partners who don’t require vulnerability, enabling us to hide. Avoidance of intimacy usually goes back to childhood, when we felt an inconsistency of emotional care. Maybe we experienced rejection, neglect or emotional pain, causing us to shut down. We learned NOT to rely on others for connections because it was perceived as unsafe. Then as adults we tend to create a push/pull effect, pushing our partner away or hiding from their affection, but then pulling them closer if we fear them leaving. We try to make ourselves less lovable, withholding our desirable qualities, in an effort to create distance because deep down we’re afraid of being loved. Our subconscious is smart, protecting us from perceived harm, which is why we simultaneously crave intimacy but avoid it like the plague. Acting from this fear keeps our negative self-image alive, and we avoid experiencing the deeper connections of a healthy relationship. Opening yourself up to intimacy is a step-by-step process that requires emotional risk. It doesn’t happen all at once, so you have to be willing to stand in the discomfort of these feelings, both feet firmly planted in the fear. Keep them there and you’ll begin to open up to love.

“I attract avoidants” has almost become a mantra for anxious pursuers who are convinced they are only attracted to people who shun them. They believe relationships require a lot of effort, thus feeling a deeper connection to partners who reject them. If it comes easy, something must be wrong. This anxious pursuer is always focused on their partner, pushing, pulling and waiting for that “wake-up” moment that never comes. Let’s say you start dating someone who checks a lot of your boxes, but they rarely contact you so you do all the work. You create excuses to contact them, enticing them with sex or whatever carrot you think will prove irresistible. You live in the fantasy of feeling close to them, making the reality of rejection both painful and comfortable. The irony is that if they DO get close to you, you’ll distance yourself. This push/pull dance is a pattern, with fear of abandonment at its core. To break it you need to connect where it hurts, accessing those deep feelings you avoid like the plague. Instead of running from pain and anxiety when they strike, sit with it. Be with it. Do not react or discharge your pain on someone else. It is SO HARD to do and feels like walking through fire, but it will set you free.

Complainers are addicted to feeling bad. Those who constantly compare themselves to others, believing everyone else is better off, are addicted to feeling bad. People who host weekly pity parties about everything that sucks in their lives are addicted to feeling bad. So why would you choose this over feeling good? Because it’s easier. It allows you to avoid your fears, blame the universe for your problems and not do anything differently. Choosing to feel bad let’s you off the hook so you don’t have to make changes (that’s the benefit). But it also keeps you stuck in a personal prison where everything remains frustratingly the same. You want your life to change, but you can’t see what you do to hold yourself in this “feeling bad” state. To do things differently is too scary, so you don’t do it. But that’s the path to feeling good: going through those fear walls and making things happen. The longer you stay victimized by your own thoughts and stories, judging your life by the outside, the longer you stay in your self-made prison. In this episode I’ll show you how to start breaking your addiction to feeling bad. It requires deep emotional work and a willingness to confront your fears. Your past does not define your present or your future. You get to choose how you feel from this point forward… so isn’t it time to start feeling GOOD?

Do you say to yourself (or others) that you are the prize, and your partner is lucky to have you? And do you actually believe it, or is it just false bravado? Maybe you overcompensate for your true feelings that you don’t measure up by working hard to “be the prize.” Or you go the other direction and withdraw because deep down you not only believe you’re NOT the prize… you feel completely worthless. Whichever road you take, you’re causing drama and sabotaging your relationships. In this week’s podcast we explore what’s behind this diminished sense of value and how to build yourself up so you feel worthy and deserving of love. It starts with unraveling your shame and self-judgment, then feeling it instead of minimizing it (yep, you’ve gotta there). I’ll walk you through a few steps to get you started. Shame is a tough emotion to allow, but you are more resilient than you think. And it’s worth this deep work because once you start believing you really are a gem, you’ll attract someone who believes it to.

Sarah Merrill is the woman behind “Big Kid Problems,” a wildly popular Twitter, Instagram, blog and podcast about the daily struggles growing up and navigating the adult world. But, like many of us, this was not where Sarah expected to end up. The only thing she knew she wanted to do after graduating from college was leave Florida, which never felt like it fit. So off to New York she went, living on her friend’s couch, eating Cup O Noodles and dating so she could take a break from ramen! It was during this time of struggle that she started sharing her thoughts and experiences on Twitter in short, witty quips under the handle @BigKidProblems. “Nobody knows what they’re doing at any given time.” –Sarah Merrill Listen in on my conversation with Sarah as she shares her journey from broke and directionless to a comedic powerhouse who has been on the Steve Harvey show three times. What started as a hobby has become her full-time career, and it keeps expanding. A collection of her original jokes were published by Andrews McMeel in 2020, and Sarah is now chronicling her most recent adventure, pregnancy, through a new podcast. “Bottle Service” has the same raw, hilarious openness that drew people to “Big Kid Problems.” Learn more about Sarah and follow her here: Website: www.thebigkidproblems.com Instagram: @BigKidProblems Twitter: @BigKidProblems Facebook: @BigKidProblems Tik Tok: @BigKidProblems

Many of us associate pain with love. We may not consciously think so, but it’s beneath the surface of our desire for love and all its glory in our lives. We don't realize we actually bring pain into our relationships (because it’s what we've known). We don’t see it as a choice, but self-awareness can set you free. If you're an avoidant like me, it can keep you detached from relationships, in search of something that does not exist in the form of the perfect feeling (like you’ve imagined for years). It keeps you looking for that perfect feeling that will ensure safety outside of yourself because you don’t feel it inside. The mixture of pain and lack of safety keeps you from focusing on what you actually feel beneath the surface-level emotions, and believing something outside of you is the current cause for your pain. Your words will not match your desires when you are taking action from the belief that love is painful. You create this in your relationships, usually with someone who is matching you at the level of pain they are used to as well. It's a vicious cycle because the amount of emotional awareness you need to catch yourself is pretty intense, and hard to recognize if you have never paid attention to how you show up. Most of us think we’re fine and that it’s all about the other person. Nope! It is freeing to keep your heart open, then catch yourself when you try to invite pain where it doesn't belong. Join me for more of this Attachment Series to learn how to separate pain from love.

Are you holding yourself back from receiving the love you want and being your badass self? Or does your need for control and “giving to get” keep you stuck in the same paradigm? Let’s be clear: a badass is not someone who struts around, pretending they don’t need anyone. That’s a victim wearing a suit of emotional armor. A badass when it comes to love is open-hearted, trusting, courageous and vulnerable. A badass takes care of their own emotional wellbeing, and when they’re in a situation where someone doesn’t respect them or their boundaries… a badass removes themself from that situation. A badass is the REAL you. So how do you stop people pleasing and playing the role of the “good” partner in order to be comfortable as your badass self so you can receive love freely? First, look at what you say you want, and how your actions work against it. If you’re not sure what you want, tune in to today’s episode for a writing exercise that will help you identify your disconnects and help you uncover the motivation behind your actions. Receiving love requires clarity, honesty and openness. There is no magical genie who can grant you “badass” status. The only power capable of doing that is you.

Do you know what impostor syndrome is? Perhaps you’re familiar with it in your professional life, it means the fear of being found out for being fake or phony. The you which you present isn’t really who you are or you feel others will not think it is who you are. For me, I always waited for people to find out I was a bad person, even though nothing about me is…it’s what I dreaded, personally and professionally. So, for those of you who have that feeling, guess what? It’s related to insecure attachment. Whether it’s in your career or your relationships, you never feel deserving of the love or praise you’re given and you worry about FIFO (Fear I’m Found Out). Despite working harder than anyone else to prove you’re worthy, it’s never enough. You’re a perfectionist, but nothing you do or say ever feels “perfect.” These feelings, like insecure attachment, stem back to the conditioning you received as a child. The good news is that impostor syndrome is a story you keep telling, a facade you can take down. In this episode, you’ll learn how to put down the mask, tackle your feelings, and finally be okay with being you in or out of a relationship. Want to submit your question for Tracy's FB Live? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Are you stuck in an anxious-avoidant loop? No matter how much you “think” you want a relationship, you find excuses not to date or in a relationship, you look for problems with your partner. Oh wait! There’s more. You may find yourself dating, which you do trepidatiously, and voila there’s chemistry. You feel the pangs of anxiety and know you’ll be hooked by dinnertime. Whether you are the pursuer or the runner, each position for the anxious avoidant is all about emotional distance, even if on the outside it looks like you’re physically there. Fear has been there for years, but you might think it is normal—the way you’ve always felt. Trying to grasp control, you are used to strategies, so you do not become engulfed or stuck or available. Sometimes you believe it is really the other person, but the truth is you are the common denominator in your love life. And its good news! Because you can do something about it! This loop of avoidant behavior stems from your subconscious belief system. To make a change, you need the courage to challenge your fears. In today’s podcast episode, you’ll learn how you can shift your belief system and take emotional risks. Want to submit your question for Tracy's FB Live? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Karen Fagan struggled with insecurity, as many young women do, so when she was 13 years old she looked for a book on self-confidence. That led to 10 full years of reading about the subject… which unfortunately didn’t work. She hadn’t cracked the confidence code. Then life presented her with two pivotal moments where she was confronted with a question: Who did she want to be? Karen’s answer was simple. She wanted to be a confident, empowered woman, so she committed to it and started acting from that place. “Obstacles really are an opportunity—an invitation—for who we want to become.” –Karen Fagan Join me for a powerful conversation with Karen where she talks about the note her husband left the day he packed up his stuff and walked out… and the gift he gave her three months later when she found out why. When we’re afraid, Karen says we want to opt out. That’s the default. But if you use that fear to pull yourself forward instead, you can become the person you were born to be. As a teenager Karen felt crappy all the time. Now she makes the choice to feel good, and it is from that empowered place that she operates. Today she helps other women find their vision so they experience passion, pleasure, and purpose in life without settling. More is available when you simply decide to go after it. Learn more about Karen and her coaching program: www.karenfagan.com/ Instagram: @karenfagan

Some of us people please to be liked or because we feel obligated. The problem with placing ourselves in this position is that it's not genuine giving, and it makes us feel disconnected from ourselves. We are trying to control instead of being who we are. We believe we can control how others perceive us, and create an image that we feel is acceptable, but doing so places ourselves in a prison of limitation by not being true to ourselves. Not only is people-pleasing a form of lying, it doesn't actually work. All that effort for no pay off. Only frustration, resentment and non-fulfillment. If we really saw ourselves through the eyes of others, we would have a mixed bag... and then what would we do? Be a chameleon? Better to turn inward and go with who we really are and what we want to do.

Settling, and the fear of missing out, is a reflection of not feeling good enough as you are right now. When you search for perfection—or even just better than you have—you’re looking for something that doesn’t exist. Many people who are attached struggle with this “not good enough” belief, driving them to sabotage their relationships and create obstacles to happiness. If you second guess your relationship whenever your partner tries to get close to you, listen in. In this week’s podcast I’ll share the secret to feeling enough so you stop freaking out about settling. It starts with two questions to ask yourself each morning. Do this consistently and you’ll start building your sense of value. Because the thing is, when you chase that greener grass, you bring yourself (and your belief of not being good enough) with you. Then the fear of settling starts all over again. Let’s break that cycle, shall we?

You don’t have to be alone to feel lonely. Loneliness is a sense of internal isolation which serves as protection. Instead of opening up and sharing your feelings, you retreat because it feels safer. This not only disconnects you from others, but also from yourself. True connection requires vulnerability, which is uncomfortable and the last thing you want to do. You probably feel something is wrong with you, so you put a lot of energy into pretending you’re ok. You wear your “party face,” but feel detached because you have abandoned yourself. No one would suspect you’re lonely because you do such a good job of hiding it, which isolates you even more. Let’s say you threw a party over the holidays and 20 people came, but you felt lonely and disconnected the whole time. The thought of interacting felt draining because you would have to pretend to enjoy yourself. As you watched others chit chat, you felt even more distance between you and them. You started to wonder why everyone else could have a good time, but not you. What’s wrong with you? Even though you were surrounded by people in a festive atmosphere, you felt terribly alone. Loneliness isn’t about what other people aren’t giving you. It’s your fear of connection and lack of self-worth. This can keep you stuck your whole life without understanding what you’re doing to create it. It isn’t an external problem that more friends or different social circles will solve; it’s an internal one. The first step in combating loneliness is to admit you’re lonely, and accept it as YOUR responsibility. Then it’s about digging deeper into your feelings of unworthiness and that desire to hide out. The next time you feel yourself withdrawing, take active steps to connect with someone. It may be the last thing you want to do, but vulnerable connection is the antidote to loneliness.

There are so many ways we don’t love and value ourselves—in work, relationships, etc. A lot of us don’t even know what it MEANS to love ourselves because there is no functional knowledge of what a healthy relationship is. We may think we know, but it’s usually based on unrealistic expectations. Our partners are actually a mirror for us; we attract people exactly where we are as far as emotional health and availability. If we’re closed off and look for someone who is more open, thinking they can help US be more open, we won’t find them because that’s not what we’ll attract. In order to attract and receive love, you need to have love for yourself. The focus needs to be you, not the other person. There are many ways to look at self-love, but when it comes to attached relationships, the best place to start is by dispelling the fantasy and looking at reality. Look at your choices and why you make them. Look at how you hold other people responsible for your emotions. See others for who they are, not for who you want them to be. Deal with the disappointment of your relationship not living up to your expectations. Self-love ultimately comes down to self-responsibility. Take a hard look at your role instead of feeling like a victim. That’s how you take care of you. That’s how you value you. That’s how you start down the path to self-love, which leads to truly, authentically loving others… and being truly, authentically loved in return.

Mike Zeller is a serial entrepreneur. But when three of his businesses EACH lost more than $100,000 in a single year, he knew he needed to recalibrate and refocus. “Your setbacks are your setups to prepare you for your comeback.” –Mike Zeller Growing up, Mike learned the value of hard work from his immigrant father, so ambition always propelled him forward. Partway through college he became a Christian, which led him to pursue a Master’s in Christian Leadership. His first entrepreneurial pursuit followed: starting churches in Nashville targeted to musicians and creatives. The path ahead looked clear until he was turned down for a church job. That’s when an internal whisper led him toward new adventures. Mike has started several businesses including a car dealership, real estate firm, co-working space, fashion line, marketing agency, and mastermind/coaching. In 2018, things started falling apart; he lost a lot of money and closed most of his businesses. But this dark period of transition led to a lot of learning, self-awareness and a priority shift toward coaching and mentoring. Today he is an author, and helps high achievers align their purpose with both the business they want to build and the life they want to live while getting unstuck and shaking off limiting beliefs. Learn more about Mike: Mikezeller.com Instagram: @themikezeller Twitter: @themikezeller Facebook: @themikezeller Youtube: @themikezeller LinkedIn: @themikezeller

Early childhood is where avoidant seeds take root. If you fall into this category of insecurely attached Avoidants, you probably developed a pseudo-independent identity, going to great lengths to prove you could take care of yourself. You acted like a little adult, holding yourself to pretty strict standards. This self-sufficiency carried over into actual adulthood where you had little or no desire to seek help and support from others. “I’m fine,” you’d say, when you were anything but. This self-containment becomes threatened inside intimate relationships. We avoid vulnerability because revealing our true selves may lead to rejection or abandonment. This results in not fully committing; we keep one foot out so we can focus on other distractions. Or we avoid relationships altogether, coping with our repressed emotions and asserting our “independence” by resisting vulnerability and intimacy. But then attachment needs kick in, activating anxiety over the fact we’re alone. What a painful pattern to live in, right? This is the Anxious/Avoidant attachment type at play. That was me for a long time—my mom actually used to call me her little soldier. But it IS possible to change. The pattern was learned, so it can be unlearned. What it really comes down to is your value. You may put on a brave, confident face (and wear your independent badge of honor), but underneath is the fear of being found out. You protect yourself by choosing safe partners who do not trigger you, therefore keeping your façade intact where your true self can remain a mystery. This doesn’t feel good or lead to a fulfilling existence. It just keeps you stuck in those old patterns and beliefs around your perceived value. In this podcast I’ll provide some tools to release you from this self-made prison so you can open up to receive the support every human needs and deserves.

Self-responsibility and self-care are critical to increasing your value. What is self-responsibility? Being responsible for ALL of your words, actions, choices and reactions. People often want to blame outside events and other people, but that makes you a victim. To be valued is to be fulfilled… to be your own best friend. If you take responsibility for yourself, you have power and authority in your life, which means you have value. Other people cannot give you lasting value, only you can by treating yourself with care. Self-care is about taking care of yourself emotionally instead of looking for someone else to do it. It is about healing what ails you. If you blame your partner for breaking up with you, that speaks to a lack of responsibility. It takes two to tango, so pointing the finger at him/her for all the problems in your relationship is a powerless position. How did you contribute? What can you own up to? You always play a role in how relationships unfold. When you feel the bottom falling out of any situation and want to blame someone or something, stop and ask yourself how you participated in getting here. EMPOWERMENT can only come through responsibility, never through blame. No one can give you something you refuse to give yourself. When you’re in charge of your choices and taking care of yourself, life is limitless; it can be as amazing as you want it to be. To take responsibility for your life, look at where you are angry or frustrated. Then look at the choices you made to get where you are. This is difficult if you don’t like your choices and have spent a long time blaming others. It’s easier to put that onus on someone else, but that’s not how you reach true happiness and joy. Owning the role you play in your own life is a much more empowering position because only then can you start to change what isn’t working.

You blame the Universe/God/whatever for what goes wrong in your life, believing you are constantly being punished for not doing things perfectly. Other people are rewarded with what they want, while some force seems to work against you. You hold out hope that one day the Universe will come through for you while simultaneously expecting disappointment. Where the hell did this belief come from? If you’re like me, it may have come from a parent or caregiver who you relied on for love and attention… which you didn’t receive. You felt unworthy and undeserving despite working hard, so you transferred those beliefs onto something else: the Universe. If daddy won’t give me what I want, why should I expect the universe to cooperate?! In this week’s episode, we’ll dive into why you seek external validation and where it comes from. Failure and disappointment are not your fate. Once you identify these negative beliefs and their origin, you can shift to a more empowered perspective; one in which you DO get what you want. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Remember: you matter. You are worthy, and waiting for conditional approval is waiting for the 12th of never.

Some people think the best place to solve relationship issues is in bed. It feels intimate—a way to connect—but afterwards, are you really any closer? And do you ever find yourself picking fights with the goal of getting to make-up sex because it temporarily relieves your fear of abandonment? When sex is used as a way to manipulate others into sticking around, it’s not a path to emotional intimacy; it’s an obstacle. It’s a way to get lost in intensity so you can avoid your real feelings. Sex can give you a sense of control, relieve your fear of rejection or temporarily make you believe your relationship is healthy. But it doesn’t last, and it isn’t real. When sex is used as a tool, emotional suffering goes right along with it. In this week’s podcast we’ll look at honesty as the solution. It’s an opportunity to ask yourself why you fight, distance or separate from your partner to create the need for make-up sex… and what you get from it. When you allow yourself to be open and honest with your feelings instead of jumping in the sack, you’ll start to experience what TRUE intimacy is. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Awareness of your pattern will cut the cheap sex through emotionally risky action in favor of real connection.

People always want to know if they should leave their job or their relationship or whatever situation they are unhappy with. Shouldn’t they cut their losses? Isn’t it better to chase the next bright shiny object? The problem is, when people DO make that change, they tend to repeat the same pattern in their next job or next relationship, and they become increasingly frustrated that nothing ever changes. So what’s the solution? Stay longer than is comfortable. Your inability to stick with situations or relationships long enough to learn from them is what keeps you stuck. Without standing still and being present, you just perpetuate the pattern of cutting bait too soon, chasing what’s next, then convincing yourself this is just who you are. It’s a false story. In this week’s episode I challenge you to stay just a little bit longer than you want to. Because getting excited about the next possibility will eventually wear off and you’ll be in this same spot once again. When you’re curious about why you're here and why staying is so uncomfortable, you get to some deeper truths that open the window to change. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Give up the bright shiny object to stay with the old socks until you are deeply moved to grow by knowing what attracted you to the old socks in the first place.

Growing up, Kirsten struggled with disordered eating and body image. Although she didn't see the connection at the time, she later realized how much her family environment impacted her relationship with food. Her mom was a chronic dieter who talked negatively about her own body, and most of her extended family was diet-focused, so Kirsten picked up on those cues. In college she studied nutrition because food was such a focal point in her life, and she thought if she could just crack the code on eating, her struggles would be over. Of course that wasn't true, but Kirsten continued down this path, getting her Master's degree and becoming a registered dietician... while sneaking food and feeling like a fraud. "What is causing people to feel out of control around food is the fact that they're engaging in restrictive behaviors." --Kirsten Ackerman In this podcast, Kirsten shares the shift she experienced when she discovered intuitive eating, realizing she was NOT broken. She describes intuitive eating as a healing framework from chronic dieting where you return to your intuitive wisdom around food--before diet culture affected your relationship with food and body image. She is now an Anti-Diet Registered Dietitian and Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor. Her radical shift to "unconditional permission to eat" has helped so many stop the dieting roller coaster and permanently heal their relationship with food. Learn more about Kirsten: Website: www.theintuitverd.com Instagram: @theintuitive_rd Intuitive Bites Podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/7giKBSPjO9aLktIUWjQOEM?si=ee323e7495c94169

Some people equate numbness with happiness. As long as nothing is poking at you screaming for your attention, you think all is right with the world, and you work hard to maintain this state. But when something triggers you, you can’t handle being out of control, so you scramble to get back to that safe space you THINK is happiness. Nope, it’s numbness, and it’s not where you want to live. Many people say they aren't control freaks, but their internal feelings tell a different story. If you feel anxious whenever you let loose, have fun or feel attracted to someone, that’s a sign of control. In this week’s podcast I challenge you to become more aware of this paradigm because many people delude themselves into thinking they’re happy when in fact they are just numb and trying to avoid being triggered. Happiness is not to be feared, but you need to let go of control in order to let it in. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) You can pretend numbness is peace and happiness or you can challenge yourself to lose control and have FUN, emotional intimacy and vulnerability! Uh yeah happiness!

Attachment and care are two different things, and mistaking one for the other can lead to chronic disappointment. When you have expectations about what someone should do, or how they should treat you to show you they care, your happiness is dependent on a fantasy. Are you afraid that if you don’t get what you want, your world will end? Focusing on what your partner does wrong and/or hoping you’ll feel better when they finally “get their act together” is not living in reality. And it’s not really considering their feelings; it’s more about how they can relieve your pain or create a momentary high that you THINK is love. Being wrapped up in expectations and putting conditions around other people's actions makes it hard to live a fulfilling life. In this week’s episode I’ll talk about slowing down so you can pay attention to what’s happening in the present moment. This will take you out of fantasy land where you believe it’s someone else’s responsibility to earn your love. The solution is not finding the “right” person who will always do what you want and make you feel good. When you treat yourself how you want to be treated and let go of expectations, you create space for a loving, caring relationship that goes both ways. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) You can look like you care when you don’t see yourself clearly… but do you feel like you care? To love another you really should love yourself.

For many people who are stuck, pain is what drives them to seek change. It could be a toxic relationship or yet another holiday spent alone. Maybe it’s wanting to finally escape not feeling good enough. But when anger and frustration are your only motivators, change isn’t very effective… and it doesn’t last. Especially if you’re changing yourself just to get someone else to change. Instead, you need to know why you’re not where you want to be, and have a deep desire to grow your self value. When you complain, blame and compare yourself to others, fear is running the show. And wanting to run away is often a sign that you need to stand still. In this week’s episode, I’ll share different questions you can ask yourself to evaluate your readiness for change. If you’re not there yet, that’s ok! Accepting where you are is an important first step. Once you are clear on what you want to change and why, you can start taking action in that direction. And THAT’S when meaningful change happens because there is a big difference between moving toward something you want, and moving away from something you don’t want. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Rushing yourself out of the current pain can mean you don’t learn anything to contribute to permanently moving toward happiness.

Most of us have periods in our lives where it feels like everything is a shit show. You feel like the universe is conspiring against you and no one is on your team. Even when people do try to help by offering advice, it annoys the crap out of you. Then, on top of it all, you feel wrong in your feelings because you think you should be able to rise above it. Society says to buck up and be positive! When life happens and you start going down the rabbit hole, it’s ok to stay there for a moment, but you do not want to get stuck there. Wallowing for weeks (or longer) is a victim pattern you need to look at because YOU are the one keeping yourself there. Your active participation in your life matters. When you blame other people, or the universe, for what’s happening, you stay buried in that hole. In this week’s podcast I share my personal experience with loss and my husband’s illness. During the last 18 months I have been challenged to surrender and find happiness even while surrounded by tragedy. It is not easy, but you can choose to accept what’s going on, take responsibility for your part, feel what’s happening and move the heck forward. It really is a choice, and I'll show you what worked for me. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) You can be an action-taking victim, or you can decide to be an action-taking authentic human being who is happy.

Majo Molfino is the daughter of immigrants who grew up as a “good girl,” getting good grades and following the rules. After graduating from college, she got a grown-up cubicle job as one is expected to do, but something immediately felt off. She looked at herself in the mirror and felt like she was wearing a costume. For the first time Majo questioned what she was put on this planet to do. And the only answer she had at the time was: not this. A year into her job she finally quit, moved to California… and took a very similar job (growth isn’t a linear process!). But after quitting the second time, and having an awakening at the Burning Man festival, she realized her purpose was to guide and support women in their creative expression. “We’ve been socialized to be good, as women, instead of powerful.” –Majo Molfino This insight led Majo to Stanford where she got a Master’s in learning, design and technology. The design thinking she learned, coupled with her “good girl” upbringing, provided the framework for her coaching, podcast, book and IGNITE leadership program. Join me as Majo talks about transformation and change, which she believes is a combination of insights and action. Today she guides women toward more power and meaning through her blend of storytelling, design, psychology and mindfulness. Learn more about Majo’s IGNITE leadership program, Heroine podcast and book “Break the Good Girl Myth": https://majomolfino.com/ Instagram: @majomolfino Podcast: ‎https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/heroine/id1100949693 Book: https://www.amazon.com/Break-Good-Girl-Myth-Purposeful/dp/0062894056/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2ZNB19KXZ64J0&dchild=1&keywords=majo+molfino&qid=1617386382&sprefix=majo+molfino%2Caps%2C203&sr=8-1

Loyalty. What does that mean to you? And where did you learn it? As a kid, if you were around adults (particularly your caregivers) who lied, cheated, and/or treated others as disposable, you may have never learned what loyalty really is. As a result, you may have spent your adult life looking for greener pastures, or trying to determine when to cut bait because you don’t know how long the relationship will last and you’d rather leave before you REALLY get hurt. This doesn’t just happen with intimate relationships, either. When you lack a loyal role model, it impacts friendships and work situations too. And the bigger issue is that you don’t know how to be loyal to yourself! You break commitments to yourself and lack boundaries, diminishing your sense of value. In this week’s episode we will explore the concept of loyalty, how your early role models framed your perception of it and why it’s so important for healthy relationships. Then we’ll look at how to shift things. When you are clear on what you want, and believe you deserve it, you’ll put energy toward deepening connections with people instead of dropping them. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Having what you want is easy once you stop trying to sabotage intimate bonds with others.

How do you communicate with an avoidant? And how do you determine if they are a narcissist, pathological liar, or have some other “malady”? I get questions like this a lot. People want strategies for dealing with partners they are quick to label. Here is the short answer: There is no special language for communicating with avoidants, and it is not your job to diagnose people. If you don’t believe you can have what you want (e.g. a healthy relationship), you’ll turn to manipulation. And yes, communicating in a particular way to get what you want is manipulative because it is not coming from an authentic, loving place. It is rooted in fear. In this week’s episode we’ll explore being “other” directed, and how labeling someone else is a way of distracting yourself from YOU. It’s not about figuring out how to deal with your partner, it’s asking yourself why you choose relationships that require mental strategies. Your happiness and wellbeing is not the responsibility of anyone but you, and as long as you diagnose others and try to manipulate them to get what you want, you’ll be miserable. Instead of searching for tips and tricks, look at the choices that got you here… and why you made them. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Focus on yourself. All parts of you. Trust that your choices are leading you somewhere—to another lesson or to your goals. It is the same road for all of us.

You can’t take it anymore. You are stuck in a toxic relationship and you want the pain to stop. You want out. But instead of taking some sort of action… you do nothing. Resistance kicks in and your whole body says, “nope!” So you stay in your own personal hell, afraid of losing what you have, even though what you have is so far away from what you want. Why? Because it’s familiar. Because breadcrumbs of love and attention are better than nothing. But is “nothing” really the only alternative? This is not your lot in life. You are not the unlucky one who has to settle for a fraction of what you deserve. But believing you can have something meaningful and fulfilling is foreign because you have avoided intimacy your whole life. I know this pain very well because I lived it for many years. In this week’s podcast we’ll talk about empowering steps you can take to push past the resistance that keeps you stuck. Your situation is a symptom of something that is happening inside you. When you start exploring internally and connect with your feelings, you find the courage to get out of your pain. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Chemistry of love is not intense; it is not breadcrumbs. It is courage, freedom, care and deep connection!

Megan Huber grew up in a small, rural North Carolina town with a teacher for a mom. The classroom was what she knew, so when she graduated from college with no clue about what she wanted to do, she accepted her mom’s offer to pay for a Master’s degree in teaching. That landed her as a teacher in her hometown high school right alongside her mom. Although teaching resonated with her on some level, it wasn’t until much later that Megan realized she was living her mom’s vision for her life—not her own. “We all know the greatness that exists inside of us… and we have such a craving to let that version of ourselves run the show.” –Megan Huber When Megan's husband introduced her to a coaching program, it was her first real taste of personal development. There were parallels to teaching, but she still wasn’t sure how the pieces fit together or what her future looked like. She believed she had greatness in her, but it was locked inside so tightly that she had a debilitating fear of missing out on her life’s purpose. Listen to Megan’s story of individuation where she found her own teaching path (not her mother's), let go of approval-seeking and grew her coaching business from $0-$500k in just 12 months. Today she works with coaches and other service-based entrepreneurs to reach those same goals. Learn more about Megan and connect with her here: Website: www.meganjohnsonhuber.com Facebook: @MeganJohnsonHuber Instagram: @meganjhuber

Passive aggressiveness is an indirect resistance to the demands of others, and an avoidance of direct confrontation (i.e., procrastinating, pouting, gossiping, etc.). Let’s say you hire someone and they don’t work out, but instead of having a difficult conversation about their performance, you make yourself unavailable. You don’t reply to emails and are always busy when they call. Maybe you even throw menial tasks their way—all to get them to quit. People complain all the time about passive aggressive behavior in others without acknowledging it in themselves. Walking on eggshells is a sign of passive aggressiveness. You’re not speaking your truth. And when that happens, people have trouble trusting or bonding with you. Listen to this week’s podcast where we look at what fuels this behavior: fear of loss and shame. Shame is a dream killer and it can keep you tip-toeing through life, holding your tongue and sending mixed messages. By accepting the parts of yourself you don’t like—including your passive aggressive behavior—and speaking your truth, your words and actions start to match. People don’t worry about you saying something negative behind their back. They trust you and feel connected to you because they know you’re a straight-shooter. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Accept yourself as being okay. The more you do, the less you fear loss, and that makes you the driver on your journey.

Do you need to be needed by someone, believing you’re the only one who understands them? “Let me help! Call anytime… I’m always here for you.” You over-volunteer to the point of making yourself feel small and insignificant, and believe it’s the only way to keep people in your life. There is a scorecard in your head as you wait for recognition or reciprocity that never comes. And at the same time, you resent them for only contacting you when they need something. You feel angry and used, yet you don’t see how you are contributing to this dynamic. Believing you are the only one who can help, then cursing them for taking advantage of you, is not a peaceful way to live. In this week’s podcast we’ll look at why you say yes (what do you want in return?), and what it costs you. Giving with strings attached is an opportunity to look at your motivation. When you finally stop rescuing your partner, friend, etc., they will find others who are willing to step up. You can be there for them without sacrificing yourself. Generosity is giving because you want to, not because you have to. It’s a loving act that brings you peace, compassion and connection. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Connection is what you deeply desire. Ask yourself before you commit: Can I connect authentically?

Yes, there is good in all of us. But that doesn’t mean you should ignore red flags in a relationship because you want to see the good in people. And it certainly doesn’t mean it’s your job to make those red flags go away; to shine that diamond in the rough! When you tell yourself what an amazing person you are for seeing the good in someone, that’s your ego talking. It’s the false part of yourself seeing the false part of others. And it’s totally rooted in insecure attachment. Emotionally healthy people don’t sacrifice their own wellbeing for others. When you believe this martyr story and ignore or excuse red flags, you sell yourself short. You do NOT deserve a “broken” person who needs rescuing. That road leads to unhappiness because it’s an impossible journey, and you’ll never find what you’re looking for. Focusing on the other person means you’re avoiding yourself. In today’s podcast we’ll explore this story we tend to create, and how to change it. Ignoring red flags doesn’t make you noble. Let’s dispel that belief so you can shift to the real work: the work that begins with you. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) You are your own red flag. Surrender to reality, stop the story and be that hero for yourself.

You wish you could be calm, cool and collected. Other people seem to do it—they can pull off being mysterious while your facial expressions always give you away. You feel like the weird emotional one, trying to tame whatever is brewing inside while everyone else stays calmly in control. You’re afraid if anyone knew how you really felt, they would judge you. But following the rules of what other people deem as “acceptable” will leave you disconnected from yourself and your life. If you want to be comfortable in your skin, you need to value your own truth and stop seeking outside approval. In this week’s episode I’ll show you how to pay attention to your insecurities, and identify which situations provoke them. From there you can practice showing up in those situations however you feel, and not expecting yourself to be different. Gauging how you’re supposed to act by watching the body language, words and actions of others is the opposite of authentic. Instead, take action from an internal desire for happiness and wellbeing. Over time your insecurities will fade and your confidence will grow! WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Valuing your truth makes it easier to find true connection. Letting go of that fear changes your life.

How much time do you spend complaining about problems and/or fixing them? You finally join the country club, but you can never get the tee-time you want, the food is bland and all the members are annoying. Or you criticize your co-worker for doing a project “wrong,” then take it over and do it yourself because no one can measure up to you. This, my friends, is classic avoidance. When your focus is on problems outside of you, it lets you off the hook to address what’s happening INSIDE of you. When you don’t trust life or other people, you work harder to control things, including solving problems that don’t exist. And when you criticize everything under the sun, you are resistant to change and growth. These are signs of unhappiness. In this week’s episode we’ll look at your expectations of others and why they exist. You will also be challenged to stop solving problems for one day to see what happens when you allow life to unfold without judgment or control. Problems are everywhere, but they don’t have to become your problems. Instead of focusing on them, you can learn to trust that things will work out without your interference. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) You can be a martyr or problem-solver, but neither will open you up to happiness.

“Entrepreneurship and starting your own business is just one big personal development game.” Scout Sobel is a trailblazer in the media industry. She is the founder of Scout’s Agency, the co-host of Okay Sis Podcast, and the host of SCOUT Podcast. But growing up, she suffered from emotional paralysis, experiencing her first bout of anxiety in kindergarten. A depressive episode in high school led to therapy intervention, followed by paranoia in college. When she was eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 20, Scout thought her life was over. She painfully watched friends succeed while she failed to hold down part-time jobs as a college drop-out. It wasn’t until faced with losing her boyfriend that she started taking responsibility for the cards she was dealt instead of blaming God for giving them to her. She sought out resources for her mental illness, got a job and took community college classes. Her brain kicked into high gear when she started a magazine with a friend… leading her down the path of entrepreneurship. Listen in as Scout vulnerably shares how accepting, allowing and honoring her emotions has been critical to her success as an entrepreneur and as a human. Her first book, “Emotional Entrepreneur,” guides women through the emotional challenges of launching, running, and scaling a business. “I’ve made a contract with myself that no matter what happens or what emotion happens in that moment, I will love my life unconditionally.” --Scout Sobel Grab a copy of her book here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0578951754. Learn more about Scout and connect with her here: https://www.scoutsobel.com/ Instagram: @scoutsobel

It’s hard to be grateful for misfortune, and the suffering that results. It’s much easier to wallow in “Why me? Poor me!” than to look for the gift. The truth is, you can find gratitude in every situation. It’s being thankful for some aspect of every situation rather than only focusing on the negative. When you surrender to reality and look for the blessing, you arrive at gratitude. It’s expansive and helps you see yourself more clearly. Let’s say you lose your job. You can dwell on the situation and be pissed off, or accept the reality and look for the gifts. Maybe your next job will be better or you can start the business you’ve always wanted. It’s also a chance to look at how you showed up for the job, using it as an opportunity for growth. Perhaps your discontent was reflected in your work, or you disconnected from your co-workers. With gratitude comes opportunity because you get to be the creator of your life rather than a helpless victim. This is not about being a Pollyanna and ignoring your pain. Feel all your emotions, then look for an opening, possibility or opportunity. It’s also not about giving lip service to gratitude—that does nothing. Gratitude is a feeling that you need to connect with. Once you do, you’ll be able to see the situation more clearly and your role in it. It’s a gift you give yourself and it’s ALWAYS available.

You consider yourself a strong person. When a challenge presents itself, you tackle it head-on. People come to you for answers because you always seem to have them. You pick others up when they fall. You’re reliable and trustworthy. But to be that pillar of strength, you push your emotions aside because you can’t be someone else’s hero if they see a crack in your armor. And therein lies the problem. We have been brought up to believe that giving is strong and receiving is weak. But that’s backwards. Asking for help and being able to receive takes courage. Allowing others to see you as human is what strong people do. In this week’s episode I’ll challenge you to explore why being “strong” is important to you, and where you struggle to receive. Because you can’t give or receive love freely if you’re emotionally shut down. When you open your heart to others and allow them to see your vulnerability, you radiate strength. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) The hole in your suit of armor is inside of you. Allow it to exist without being strong so you connect with yourself and others.

Born of a spiritual-seeking mother and knowledge-seeking father, Laurie Gerber grew up fascinated by the human experience and what makes people tick. She became an educational consultant who matched students with tutors, but realized she was less interested in helping students achieve academic success than she was in helping them deal with their suffering. To better define her goals and excel in her career, Laurie started working with a coach. That’s when she realized how much of her entire life—not just professionally—was spent anesthetized, simply going through the motions. Using The Handel Method, which is what she now teaches, Laurie saw the disconnect between her dreams and her reality. Join me as Laurie shares how she reconnected with her husband and what she envisioned for herself as a kid by getting vulnerable and speaking her truth. Today she teaches practical tools on how to dream, bust excuses, action plan for the future, build Personal Integrity® and, most importantly, the art of honesty. “If we are not being true to ourselves, we’re never going to be loved because WE will not be there to be loved.” --Laurie Gerber Take the free Current Reality quiz at: https://www.handelgroup.com/crq/ Learn more about Laurie and The Handel Group: https://www.handelgroup.com/ Facebook- @HGLifeCoaching Instagram- @Lauriegerber_coach Twitter- @HGLifeCoaching

What happened to your dreams? Did you give up on them? Or are you still waiting for them to happen, hoping that “someday” is right around the corner? Maybe what you wanted did show up, but it didn’t fulfill you. The thing about dreams is, they don’t always show up how and when you expect them to, and they don’t just fall in your lap. They require a combination of surrender and action. But not just any action; it has to be intentional, emotional action. Empty action, which is numb and devoid of emotion, may make your “dream” happen, but if you’re not connected to it, does it really bring fulfillment? Dreams evolve, and they are not reserved for the lucky few… or the young. You can be someone who makes your life what you want it to be by aligning your emotions and actions. In this week’s episode we’ll look at common obstacles to realizing your dreams, and what to do differently. I’ll share a writing exercise to reveal your patterns and where you place your focus. It’s one I have used in my own life. Your dreams are still viable and achievable. You may just need to change course a bit and keep your eyes open to what they look like now. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Dreams come true in different packages, at different times. And through allowing yourself to think, feel and be in a place you’ve never been.

Do you get exceptionally angry when a restaurant server gets your order wrong, or when plans change at the last minute, or when customer service won’t fix your problem? We’re not talking mild frustration (those situations can be annoying!), but rather deep seated anger that is triggered into an explosion. Perhaps you yell at the other person, blaming them for what you’re unhappy with. Or maybe you’re one of those people who smiles on the outside while seething on the inside. Where does this anger come from? Can it be stopped? And who are you actually angry with? Blaming other people or circumstances for your anger is easier than dealing with your deeper emotions, but it’s not a peaceful way to live. It makes you a powerless victim and creates distance in relationships. In this week’s podcast we’ll look at how to deal with anger, including taking responsibility for your choices. Anger can be tough to admit, but once you own it, you can work on letting it go and take your power back. Releasing it will set you free. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Own your anger and then own your choices. You will find your peaceful self.

You have probably heard some version of “what you think, you create.” Meaning your thoughts create your reality. If your love life feels like a train wreck (or any part of your life, really), this can be a scary idea. Are you creating the situation you don’t want by ruminating on negative thoughts? By constantly thinking there are no “good ones” out there, are you actually making it true? Well… yes and no. Thoughts play a role, but they are not the only factor. Trying to simply stop the thoughts or replace them with positive affirmations doesn’t make them go away. It runs much deeper than that. In this week’s podcast we’ll talk about everything that exists between thoughts and actions, and where to focus if you want to change your situation. Believing your reality is only caused by your thoughts is limiting and untrue. If you want to change what isn’t working, you need to look at your emotions, beliefs, motivation, words and actions that stem from your thoughts. The good news is if you do this, you absolutely can change your life! WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Don’t worry about what you think. Pay attention to your feelings, actions and motivation because THAT is creating your life.

Kristina Mand-Lakhiani was born in the Soviet Union where entrepreneurship was punishable by law and everyone was given the same “manual” for success. By the age of 40 she had an Instagrammable life with a husband, son and daughter, yet she became annoyed when people asked about her children or husband, as if she herself wasn’t important. Guilt followed because she had a great life and “shouldn’t feel that way,” a belief she finally started to question and explore. It took courage for Kristina to be honest with herself and discover who she was behind her mask of perfection, but the harder part was taking action, which meant separating from her husband and disappointing the people around her. “Society’s idea of success and your personal idea of your happiness are not the same thing.” --Kristina Mand-Lakhiani Today Kristina is an international speaker, entrepreneur, artist, philanthropist and mother. She also co-founded of Mindvalley, a science-based learning platform for human transformation and entrepreneurship. Join me as Kristina shares her insights on happiness, courage and authenticity. And don’t miss the wisdom nugget she received from the Dalai Lama when she asked him about happiness! Learn more about Kristina and Mindvalley: Website: home_ Website: Mindvalley | The Premier Personal Growth Learning Platform IG: https://www.instagram.com/kristinamand/ FB: https://www.facebook.com/kristinamand YouTube: Kristina Mand-Lakhiani

You sure do have your act together. You look great, take care of yourself and project an air of confidence. Success has always been an important focus, and “slowing down” isn’t in your vocabulary. People may admire you and compliment your achievements, but there’s just one tiny little problem—you feel like an imposter. You’re afraid of people getting close to you because if they do, they might see behind the curtain and realize you’re way more of a mess than they thought. As a result, your personal life is either dysfunctional or nonexistent. Your drive isn’t actually success, it’s fear of abandonment. If people see your flaws, they might leave. And if you go a level deeper, you’ll discover there is actually something about yourself you find unacceptable. So the mask goes on and the charade continues. Unfortunately you can’t live a full life when you are emotionally hiding. In this week’s episode we’ll dive into the importance you place on your exterior, and what drives your fear. When you start confronting your fears instead of avoiding them, you dismantle them brick by brick. And what you uncover is emotional freedom. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Drop the façade and be you with no act, no barbed wire and a welcome sign to love!

Do you surround yourself with cool, successful or impressive people to feel like you embody those qualities by association? How many of those friends do you stay in touch with and make plans to get together while they put forth little-to-no effort? When you don’t feel valued, one way to fill that emptiness is to work hard at relationships that would probably fall apart without your effort. Your pattern of trying to prove your worth exhausts you, and any feelings of worthiness are temporary. Unfortunately you can’t force yourself to believe you are enough. But you can recognize all the ways you don’t believe it by your actions… and then change your behavior. What are you doing and why? Is it authentic, or is it coming from a place of lack? Affirmations and simply proclaiming, “I am enough!” don’t work if you don’t believe it. Listen to this week’s podcast to learn what to do instead. It may be counterintuitive, but it will move you out of resistance so you can begin the deeper work. Wisdom Nugget (#wisdomnugget) Being enough is a decision, followed by more choices in your favor.

Did you grow up feeling you were too much, not enough, too nice, too cold, too sensitive, too shy, too annoying, too inquisitive or too ANYTHING? Basically, instead of being loved for your whole self, did you feel like you were simply tolerated? Maybe you wondered, throughout your life, if people even liked being around you because those too much/not enough beliefs were always with you. So, to move from tolerance to love, you worked hard to prove yourself worthy of someone else’s company. And did those people (intimate partners, friends, family members, etc.) treasure you for the wonderful human you are? Probably not. Why? Because you didn’t treasure you. Self-love isn’t simply about spa visits, eating healthy, working out or treating yourself to a new outfit. It is attention, connection and awareness to yourself. And you cultivate it by slowing down, feeling your feelings and choosing what makes you happy. When you love yourself, you have compassion for who you are, what you are and why you are. And that is where true love with someone else begins… because love from another person won’t feel good unless you feel it for yourself first. In this week’s podcast I’ll share three questions to ask yourself to shift from external “give-it-to-me” love to true self-love. You deserve more, but to get it, you have to step up and show yourself some love. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Self-love comes from all the in-between moments not the pinnacles! Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

You attract people exactly where you are. If you’re unavailable, you will attract someone who is unavailable. To attract open, you must BE open. People who are attracted to emotionally unavailable people are attached to UNREALISTIC outcomes, and their idea of a good partner is narrow—as in they need to fit the perfect picture. Maybe you want to meet someone so you don’t spend the holidays alone, providing a very limited opening for what you will accept. Even people who have done work on themselves can be drawn to emotionally unavailable people because it’s familiar. It stems from our negative beliefs, particularly “I am alone” and “there is not really enough.” We often look for evidence our beliefs are true, so we attract painful partners. As with everything, the first step is awareness. To move toward available, notice what you’re normally drawn to. What checklists do you have? Forget your “type” and pay attention to how certain attractive qualities feel to you. Where do you feel connected when you are with someone? Look for what you usually dismiss (i.e. values). Get to know yourself while being with people (without expectations) and see how you feel about them. Have a conversation without it needing to lead somewhere. Trying to make something happen doesn’t work, so relax and catch yourself if you start picking people apart. You never know when someone will show up, so stay open to possibility. It’s not about control; it’s about surrender. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Guy Finley is a best-selling author of more than 45 books and audios on self-realization, including his newest release, “Relationship Magic: Waking Up Together” which explores the purpose of relationships. His journey began when he was 12 or 13 years old, upon hearing a voice whose message formed the path of his entire life. Since then he has experienced a series of blows to who he was and who he thought he would be. In our riveting conversation, Guy shares his views on suffering, letting go, triggers, resistance, identity and so much more. He also talks about what he calls “peephole consciousness,” and how it limits our perspective of reality. Guy challenges us to ask what we can learn from each moment instead of focusing on what we tell ourselves about the moment. And also to stop thinking about what we are, and work to see what we are. He is full of wisdom, and I always enjoy talking with him. “Resistance is the revelation killer. You cannot resist anything in the moment, and hope to learn that lesson in the moment at the same time.” –Guy Finley You can learn more about Guy Finley, including his free online classes, at www.guyfinley.org.

People think “selfish” is a dirty word, so there’s a lot of fear around it. They’ve had it beat into them that being selfish is bad, which leads to people-pleasing. When you succumb to people-pleasing, you’re constantly at the mercy of the rest of the world to validate you. You think if you don’t give to someone else or do what they want, you’re being selfish. And being selfish makes you feel guilty! You become so focused on not wanting to be selfish you walk on eggshells, over-doing to avoid the label. Try as hard as you can to be a saint and it won’t matter—when you try to compensate for your negative beliefs, it comes back to bite you. The thing is, you’re never going to feel good when you go against yourself. You end up in this pattern of giving, thinking you’ll be seen as a good person and eventually get something in return. But when that doesn’t happen, you end up resentful… and then you try even harder. It’s a vicious cycle that’s not only painful, it also stops you from getting close to people. I know you’re afraid you won’t be likeable if you’re “selfish,” but if someone only likes you when you’re catering to their every whim, ask yourself if that’s really a two-way relationship. What are you getting out of it? Is it worth it? Taking care of yourself doesn’t make you selfish, but giving to get does. Yep, when you give out of obligation, you’re not coming from a genuine place. You’re manipulating to get something—be it attention, validation, acceptance, etc. That’s actually more selfish than taking care of yourself. So, if you want to feel good and stop putting others before yourself, embrace being selfish. You’ll find that when you allow it rather than resisting, you’re able to own it. Make “selfish” a positive word in your vocabulary; it means you’re taking care of yourself instead of always prioritizing someone else. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Only then can you truly give from your heart.

If you can’t live without someone, and are knee-deep in soulmate territory where you need them to “complete” you, you are very likely stuck in attachment. You have a picture in your head of what you want your life to be and how you want to feel, so you’re trying to fit them into it, regardless of how things really are. So you push and pull, trying to mold them into what you want. Perhaps you cherry pick the good moments to convince yourself they’re the one. But where are their feelings in all of this? Are you in this relationship together, or are you just focused on getting what you want? And are you even getting it? Attachment is self-absorption in many ways. Not because you’re self-centered or a bad person—not at all. You are simply reacting to your pain, which can be all-consuming. It’s an emptiness that needs to be fed, so you are constantly looking for ways to fill it. The quicker the better because you’re in scarcity land and it may disappear in a blink. Attachment like this can be an out-of-body experience where you are completely disconnected from your deeper feelings. In this week’s podcast I challenge you to look beyond yourself to see the other person for who they truly are—with empathy and compassion. This will help loosen that tight grip of yours so you ease anxiety and see your relationship a little more clearly. Wisdom Nugget (#wisdomnugget) Self absorption is attachment. Feeling your real feelings will help you connect better with others. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

How often do you look for the enemy in your life? Whether it’s a partner who can’t commit, a condescending boss or an entitled rich person, labeling them as the bad guy can make you feel better about yourself. After all, if they are the bad guy, that makes you the good guy, right? And when you’re the good guy, you don’t need to do anything differently; the responsibility to change or be different is all on them. But people and situations are not inherently good or bad—it is only your perception. Passing judgment on others is also a way to hide from your emotions and remain a victim. If everything is their fault, you don’t have to look at how you are contributing. Instead, perhaps you fantasize about what life would be life if your partner finally committed to the relationship or your boss started respecting you, but that fantasy does nothing to change your reality. In this week’s podcast I invite you to look at things from a different perspective. By dropping the labels and looking at what you’re avoiding (i.e. your feelings), you’ll be able see the situation a lot more clearly. Then you can take action based on reality instead of holding tightly to your hero/villain fantasy.

You may think boundaries are set for the benefit of others, and get angry when they aren’t followed. But you probably go against your own boundaries all the time without realizing it. People take their cues from how you treat yourself, so if you’re upset about putting in extra effort despite expressing your need for help and you keep doing it, look at how you continue to pick up the slack. If your partner is constantly making plans with you at the last minute, despite you asking him/her to plan ahead, you have to ask why you stay in a relationship with yourself where you are disrespecting you which is then reflected in this relationship where you don’t feel like a priority. Even if you yell at them or punish them for their unacceptable behavior, you’re still allowing it to happen, because you are not respecting you. Boundaries are not the responsibility of others, they are yours. If your boundaries aren’t being respected, look at whether YOU are respecting them. Telling someone what you want or what is acceptable is not enough; you need to back it up with action in how you treat yourself. Show them, don’t tell them. If you have to tell someone you have to ask yourself again, “What am I doing here?” Start treating yourself the way you want to be treated. And if your actions DO support your boundaries but someone isn’t respecting them, it’s probably time to make a new choice in that relationship. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Go ahead, buy that car. You’re worth it. Your well-earned promotion will finally show people you have arrived. How do you measure your worth? Is it by what other people label as important, or what you feel inside? Will chasing money, fame and success make you feel worthy and valued? Of course not. Some of the most successful people in the world have an enormous sense of lack, believing more accolades will eventually fill them up. Intellectually you know fulfillment doesn’t work this way, yet your subconscious still searches for validation over the next mountain. So where does your internal value come from? Much of it is learned in childhood from your parents’ feelings of worthlessness. Yep, it’s passed down, so to speak, through the generations. Of course you didn’t know this as a kid; you simply modeled their behavior and emotional responses. And instead of seeing the problem as theirs, you believed something was wrong with you. In today’s podcast we’ll look at how we search for worthiness externally, and how to cultivate it internally. Everything you avoid takes away your worth, so start by accepting where you are right now—even if you feel utterly worthless. Then, let resistance be your guide. What you most resist is often the pathway to a more fulfilling life. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Your partner is a narcissist or an avoidant or emotionally unavailable… or some other label you have assigned to him/her. You’ve read up about how to deal with people like that, and have taken it upon yourself to fix them. You want to show them how they can be better, so you as a couple can be better. But why is it their responsibility to change? What about your role? Beating them up for your relationship problems won’t solve the issues between you. So what’s the answer? Start with compassion. Subconscious patterns are hard to break. If you are working on yourself, you know this to be true. Your partner isn’t bad or broken. They are human, just like you. Putting energy toward telling them what they need to do differently is energy better spent on yourself. Maybe they don’t want to be “fixed.” And if they do want to change, it’s their journey… not yours. In this week’s podcast we will focus on acceptance and compassion—for yourself and your mate. And really, this applies all relationships, not just intimate ones. This shift will move you from a constrictive space where you feel powerless, to a loving and expansive place that brings you peace. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

“I’m like Bewitched with a lot of vodka!” Meet psychic medium Marilyn Alauria. From the age of three she had psychic experiences, but she didn’t know that’s what they were. As a kid she was constantly told it was just her imagination and she was overly sensitive. Those messages, coupled with childhood abuse, led Marilyn to push her abilities aside. She turned to drinking and drugs in her early teens to quiet the feelings, voices and confusion she experienced—not knowing how to deal with it. It wasn’t until after college that she connected with a medium who encouraged her to use her gifts, which opened up a whole new world to her. Marilyn had finally come home. “I fell into my soul. I fell into my alignment. I fell into who I am—my home.” –Marilyn Alauria Today Marilyn is a healer, instructor, coach and world-renowned psychic medium. Through her Soul Finder Academy and Membership for your Soul programs, Marilyn helps people live a practical, meaningful and joyous life (no unicorns, flying carpets, or impossible routines required!). Join me as she shares the low and high points of her journey—from watching her dad shoot a gun at her mom to winning an Emmy award—to finally arrive at a place of alignment with who she truly is. Marilyn leaves us with three simple yet powerful exercises to connect with your soul that I encourage you to try! You can learn more about Marilyn at: Website: marilynalauria.com Facebook: facebook.com/marilynalauria1 Instagram: instagram.com/marilynalauria Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Someone makes an off-handed remark and you bristle. Or they criticize you and you go into full-blown defensive mode before you dissolve into a million pieces. Why does this happen? Why are you so sensitive to some things while others slide off your back? You react when there is some truth in what was said; a truth you don’t want to admit to yourself, let alone have it pointed out by another person. When they call it out you become awash with shame. Shame is a VERY uncomfortable emotion to deal with so instead of feeling it, you deflect, attack, avoid or blame. Maybe your friend says you can’t be alone, which is why you’re always jumping from one bad relationship to the next. If that’s not true, there would be no reaction. Nothing would be triggered inside of you. But if you strike back and/or want to crawl into a hole… that’s a sign. Shame is talking and it’s time to listen. In this week’s podcast we’re talking about how to deal with criticism and shame. It’s hard to see the unsavory or unlikeable parts of yourself, but acknowledging those parts is the road to self-love, self-acceptance and emotional freedom. When you own your actions and feel the shame, you open the door to healing. No one likes criticism, but it can be an incredibly powerful tool for growth. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Put on your cape and open yourself to all sorts of criticism. Own what’s yours and let it flow through you. Remember you have your magic cape! Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

The same dance happens all the time in unhealthy relationships between an anxious and an avoidant. The anxious struggles with self-value so they perform: see me, pay attention to me! This neediness causes the avoidant to run. But then, when the avoidant is away, they miss their anxious partner. They want to feel that “closeness” again so the avoidant returns and the whole cycle goes on repeat with the anxious clinging and the avoidant running. The anxious partner tends to blame the avoidant for problems in the relationship because THEY did the leaving. Anxious see themselves as the emotional ones while their avoidant partners are robots. In truth, the anxious person is avoiding too. They are avoiding their feelings and avoiding responsibility. Both parties want control, blaming the other person so there is a winner and a loser. Where is the love in that?? In this week’s podcast we’ll dig into attached relationships driven by fear and anxiety. There are no winners and losers here—only losers. Whether you are the anxious or avoidant partner, learn how to break the cycle by focusing on yourself so you change the way you show up in relationships. There IS a better way! WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Whether you are anxious or avoidant, it is about YOU, not the other person. And since it IS you, you can change your relationships NOW. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

You just said something that pissed off your partner. But geez, you were only joking. Then your friend asked for your opinion about what they were wearing, and was hurt by what you said. It seems like you’re always stepping on landmines, then constantly defending what you said or going on damage control. Should you be honest or not? Why is everyone so damn sensitive? Maybe it’s not them. When you don’t own what you say, and instead blow it off by saying, “I call it like I see it!” or “That’s just how I was raised,” or “Can’t you take a joke?” you invalidate the other person. You’re not able to see beyond your own perspective to realize the impact it has on others. If you want to have relationships that you’re not constantly repairing, take a deeper look at what you say and why. In this week’s podcast you’ll be challenged to look at the motivation behind the way you communicate. What are you trying to achieve? Is it working? What negative beliefs are at play? This self-examination will keep you from running on autopilot so you catch yourself before putting your foot in your mouth. It’s a relationship saver. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Insecure attachment issues are very painful. Some may be familiar with John Bowlby’s attachment theory on childhood development. I talked about these in Podcast #63: Your Attachment Style, and encourage you to listen to it for an overview. Here I take the Anxious/Avoidant style a step further. Based on my own experience, and talking with hundreds of clients, the supposedly rare style of an Avoidant/Anxious/Avoidant is not so rare. This is when an independent person (avoidant) thinks they’ve found their soulmate in another avoidant, then becomes anxious that he/she will leave. This may manifest in choosing someone who likes you more than you like them (how could they possibly leave you?)so even if you have a lack of interest--it gives you something, or trying to rescue/fix someone (how can they leave if they need you?), or any number of different scenarios. The problem is, these relationships keep you avoiding YOURSELF and that’s not a place you want to live. Learn more about this style of attachment and how to break the pattern plus I also cover what true avoidant and true anxious behavior are in terms of characteristics--so you can find your style and do something about it. There’s a lot of info, so listen closely! Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

From a small village in Holland to the international modeling scene, Jill de Jong led an adventurous but exhausting life. At 17 she moved to Milan, working long days and sleeping on planes. After four years of missed birthdays and weddings, she tried to settle down and leave modeling, but restlessness bubbled up. She moved to NY with her husband where modeling continued taking a toll on her physical, mental, and emotional health. Constantly depleted with a lot of uncomfortable body issues, Jill dove deep into health and nutrition. “If you really need weekends to recover, you’re not implementing enough time to rest during the week.” --Jill de Jong As she healed her body, Jill’s relationship was falling apart. She lost herself while trying to “fix” her husband and make him happy. When the marriage eventually ended after 12 years, Jill saw an opportunity to design the life she wanted. She became a personal trainer and started sharing her knowledge of fitness and nutrition with others. Today she is retired from modeling, and happily married to the man she met just one day after she wrote down her goal to fall in love again. In addition to writing the book “Models Do Eat,” Jill hosts a podcast and coaches others on their health and wellness journey. Join me as Jill shares her thirst for life and adventure with an energy that’s palpable. Her life advice: Do one thing differently to spark a little bit of new energy. You can learn more about Jill at https://www.jilldejong.com/. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Are you a unicorn hunter, chasing some magical fantasy as the answer to your problems? When you find your perfect mate, when you write your best-selling book, when you win the lottery. You think your unicorn is waiting for you “out there” somewhere, but it never appears because what you’re really searching for is what you lack inside: value, worthiness, acceptance, love, validation. You’re disconnected from yourself. As the saying goes, “Wherever you go, there you are.” When you feel like a deflated shell of yourself, it’s easier to focus on the magical moments that will rescue you rather than what’s going on internally. You look for an exit to avoid those negative feelings, believing there is a place where only positivity exists. A place where someone else sees your magic because you don’t see it in yourself. Searching is no small feat; it requires a lot of work and suffering… to what end? Disappointment is the real destination because you never do find what you’re looking for. In this week’s podcast, you’ll learn the chase only ends when you decide to deal with yourself. When you look beyond the fantasy in your mind to accept your reality. And reality is not as ugly as you may feel it is. It’s where life is lived. Wisdom Nugget (#wisdomnugget) Chasing unicorns will keep you chasing as a life pursuit. Be in your reality now and accept all feelings. Love yourself now. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In your sphere of relationships—partner, friend, colleague, family, acquaintance, etc.—how do you show up? Are you trying to fit in, be liked or be respected? Do you want to be thought of as nice, smart, strong, reliable and/or helpful? And to achieve those objectives, do you act differently with different people? You might perform the way you think somebody wants you to without even realizing it. Yes, perform. When you are playing a role that is focused on how you want to be perceived instead of who you truly are, you’re performing. And it not only depletes you of energy, it also robs your relationships of intimacy because you are not being your authentic self. So why work so hard to be a chameleon? Most people behave according to someone else’s expectations (real or assumed) to avoid abandonment. If you show up as the perfect friend, co-worker, lover, son/daughter, etc., you’ll preserve the relationship. But the consequences are many. In this week’s podcast you’ll see how much you sacrifice by being a chameleon, and that relationships are far more intuitive than you think. I’ll walk you through a reframing exercise that focuses on the purpose of your relationships so you can experience how it feels to show up as YOU. Wisdom Nugget (#wisdomnugget) Valuing yourself means what’s NOT okay IS okay, and sharing it with the world. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Attachment issues are big among my podcast listeners; there’s a reason I have an entire series devoted to it! But there is a difference between those who are ATTACHED to their attached relationship, and those who truly want to let go. You need to honestly ask yourself: Are you more comfortable with the devil you know, or are you willing to do the hard work needed to make a change? Deciding you have value and wanting to move out of a dysfunctional relationship is one of the hardest things to do. I remember being chained to a relationship I didn’t want, yet no matter how many times I broke up with him or refused to talk to him, it never made those attachment feelings go away. Fear keeps us stuck in these relationships, and it’s where I lived for a long time. I felt a total loss of control over myself and my relationship, like I couldn’t get a handle on either. Fear of commitment showed up too, as it often does. Attached relationships are perfect for those of us who don’t want to commit to ourselves because we never have to. I couldn’t see how much I was settling because I was more concerned with the safety of the familiar. I unconsciously hoped he would rescue me from the empty space inside, and I held onto that, waiting. It’s an illusion that keeps us stuck, not sure we’re ready to leave our emotionally comfortable, yet painful place. Because what if one day things magically change… While deciding you truly WANT a healthy relationship is the first step, the next step isn’t necessarily letting go of your attached relationship. Sometimes we do this prematurely and jump right into another one because we don’t take the time to learn. Check in with your feelings, notice your reactions, see what triggers your partner hits and where they come from. It’s also important to honor the dysfunctional space you’re in without beating yourself up. You CAN have a healthy, happy relationship. But you have to truly want it. Do you? Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

The people in your life have heard you complain about the same problem over and over. It’s your relationship or your job or your money issues—whatever it is, you’re a victim. It’s someone else’s fault. You say you want to solve the problem, but you won’t “go there.” If someone tries to dig a little deeper to get to the root of it (a friend, a therapist, a coach, a partner), you get defensive. You’d rather steer the conversation away from anything emotional and focus on the problem you THINK is the real problem. So what’s really going on? Something much deeper. Something attached to fear, disappointment, shame or some other ugly emotion that’s too hard to look at. Instead, you double-down on trying to solve the surface problem over and over. But it doesn’t budge. You’re not actually solving anything. This week’s podcast is about how we bury our problems so deep, we end up hiding them from ourselves. If you’re beating your head against the wall, trying to solve a problem that won’t go away, stop. Open yourself to the possibility of something deeper going on—something you don’t want to look at. When you keep trying to control the conversation to avoid what’s going on inside, you stay exactly where you are. Want the problem to go away? Start looking at what’s REALLY going on. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Does this conversation sound familiar to you? “So-and-so is mad at me.” “Oh really, did she say she was mad at you?” “No, I can just tell.” Or what about this one? “So-and-so doesn’t want to hang out anymore.” “Oh really, why do you think that?” “Because he found someone else to spend time with so he doesn’t need me anymore.” Ah, assuming. You get to feel self-righteous by making someone else the bad guy while you’re the victim who did nothing wrong. It’s an excuse not to communicate. When you create a story about what someone else is thinking or feeling, it keeps you insulated from all those “bad people.” Instead of asking questions or seeking the truth, you drive a wedge between you and the other person. It positions you as the suffering victim with them as the perpetrator, which means you have no power. In this episode I’ll show you why this is so damaging to relationships (you’ll never get close to someone this way), and how to catch yourself making up these stories. Because when you pay attention and catch yourself, you have a choice. You can take responsibility for your thoughts and seek the truth instead of assuming you know what’s going on with someone else. You can choose open communication that connects you to someone instead of made-up stories that create distance. Do you really want to make decisions based on assumptions that may not have a kernel of truth? Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Joel Primus is an author, speaker, filmmaker and serial entrepreneur. His first success, however, was as a runner, representing Canada at the World Youth Games. His identity as a runner was everything—then he blew up his achilles and that life was over. Trying to fill a void, he hitchhiked across Canada to make a movie—until his camera fell off a cliff. Third time’s a charm? While traveling in Peru, Joel found underwear that was so much better than anything he had worn before. His company Naked was born. Over the course of the next decade, Joel put everything into growing Naked. He raised $10 million and eventually went public, but he also suffered from terrible anxiety and depression. His marriage was on the brink. He knew he needed to make sweeping changes because, as it turned out, he never really stopped running. ”The journey begins with vulnerability. When we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable, we don’t allow ourselves to do the work.” –Joel Primus Once Joel stood still and focused on his inner journey, he noticed the same negative belief surfacing: I’m not good enough; I’m not worthy. He realized it framed his decision-making, and it started with his parents’ divorce. So he began questioning his choices, and why he cared what other people thought. As his self-awareness grew, his anxiety and depression lessened their grip. He reconnected with his wife. Listen to my inspiring conversation with Joel as he shares his path to letting go, and the opportunities that have come as a result. He reminds us that everything starts to unfold when you let go of the outcome. Today Joel lives on a farm with his wife and two daughters. His book “Getting Naked” was released in January 2021. Learn more about Joel at: Website: https://joelprimus.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/joel.primus/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Primusblog Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Anxiety is painful enough, but hiding it from your mate makes it even worse. Maybe you worry about where they are, or when they’re going to call, or why they ignored you. But instead of expressing that, you hide behind a façade of “everything’s just fine.” You’re afraid if your partner knew about these thoughts, he/she might freak out. Maybe you have even shown concern in the past, but he/she felt you didn’t trust them so you shut it down. How often have you asked yourself, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just be ok with the way things are?!” It’s scary and lonely to feel you have nowhere to turn. And that your feelings are unacceptable. As a kid, if you were shamed for how you felt or told you were too sensitive, you carried that over into adulthood. Now it creates problems in your relationships because you’re always holding back. In this week’s episode, learn to make friends with your anxiety and allow yourself to be what you fear. I’ll walk you through it. Anxiety won’t disappear overnight, but if you want to be connected to your partner instead of suffering in silence, you have to acknowledge what’s going on and work through your fears. Stop driving yourself crazy. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Holding it in hides it from no one. It makes you act weird. Let it blow, then let it go without blame. You deserve it! Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

You are hanging on by a thread. On the one hand, you have this amazing connection to someone. It feels almost unreal sometimes. On the other hand, you don’t see each other very often and you know he/she is probably dating other people. Seeing their profile all over dating apps is driving you crazy. BUT, he/she has been hurt in the past (or some other excuse), which makes getting into a relationship scary. You understand that and want to be patient because you see a potential future together. Part of you wants to confess your feelings, but you’re scared of pushing this person away. Meanwhile, you’re in anxiety hell. This is not a relationship—it’s a game. You try new strategies, but still end up losing. You may even be pissed at him/her for “doing this” to you, not realizing you’re here by choice. It’s a painful attachment you’re afraid of losing. So why do you prolong your suffering, settling for breadcrumbs from someone who is clearly not willing to commit? In this episode I’ll talk about this painful hell many insecurely attached people find themselves in, along with some hard truths to separate fantasy from reality. I’ll also share two important steps that will give you the strength to realize you can move on. But first, your desire to feel better has to be stronger than the pain you’re in. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

At 33 years old, Jessica Zweig had to ask her parents for $200 to pay her phone bill. Only a few years earlier she was living her “Sex in the City” life in Chicago, running a high-profile women’s lifestyle magazine. It was a sharp contrast to her uncool high school persona, proving to everyone she had finally arrived. But her business only looked successful from the outside; inside it was a financial mess. She could barely pay her employees and she suffered from chronic anxiety. A full-blown emotional breakdown soon followed, and in the midst of it she looked down at the tattoo on her wrist that read “simply be." It was an aspiration she had never achieved. An inner voice pointed out she was totally out of alignment with herself, and it was time to leave her business. It took Jessica a full year and a lot of coaching to finally walk away from her company. Everyone around her was thriving, while she was full of shame and self-loathing. Her road back to herself involved a lot of therapy, spiritual journeys, self-work and self-responsibility, but she eventually created her own personal brand and started showing up as her authentic self… every day. Now she helps others identify their personal brand through her agency, SimplyBe. Listen in as Jessica shares the one question she urges everyone ask 3-5 important people in your life. “What’s so critical on the path to self-actualization is accountability and responsibility for the part you played.” –Jessica Zweig Jessica recently added “author” to her brand identity with her book, “Be: A No-Bullsh*t Guide to Increasing Your Self Worth and Net Worth by Simply Being Yourself.” She has been named Crain's Chicago's 2020 Most Notable Entrepreneurs, and one of Inc.’s Top Digital Marketer to Watch in 2017. Learn more about Jessica here: Website: https://www.jessicazweig.com/ Agency: https://www.simplybeagency.com/ Book: https://www.amazon.com/Be-No-Bullsh-Increasing-Simply-Yourself/dp/1683646991/ref=sr_1_1?crid=26V7CFZMGCBGI&dchild=1&keywords=jessica+zweig&qid=1607016085&sprefix=jessica+zweig%2Caps%2C284&sr=8-1 Instagram: @jessicazweig Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Someone says something to piss you off. In your head you think, “What a jerk!” In that moment, when you’re triggered, you can’t see how you’re responsible for your reaction (not the person who triggered you). You can’t see how you’re responsible for your choice to either strike back or shut down in response. In your head it’s a zero-sum game with a winner and a loser. If you blame the other person, the point goes to you. If you accept what they say, they have the upper hand. There is no space for communication based in grace, love or self-responsibility. Communication goes awry when there is defensiveness and a reluctance to accept responsibility. A fear of loss is also at play. Fighting dirty might feel good in the moment, but guilt and shame often follow, leading you to feel even worse. You ALWAYS have a choice in how you respond and what you say. In this week’s episode, we’ll look at how to change your communication goals from being the winner (which creates distance) to being vulnerable (which brings people closer). It’s a game-changer. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Communication can be challenging when you fear loss, but the thing you keep losing is yourself. Be open, honest and courageous—the rewards will come. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

You create whatever you focus on. If someone says, “Think about anything but a pink elephant,” what comes to mind? A pink elephant, of course. So why do you focus on your “flaws” or what you perceive to be negative about yourself? By feeding into what you don’t do well or don’t like about yourself, you constantly react to it… and just create more of it. If you believe you’re an ogre, you’ll constantly try to prove you’re not one. It all stems from childhood limitations and the stories you told yourself: Because I’m an ogre I’ll never amount to anything in life. Because I’m an ogre I’ll never be worthy of love. You don’t want this to be true so you work very hard to convince other people (and yourself) otherwise. You try to control their perception of you. But of course, by focusing on NOT being an ogre, you just perpetuate that story. In this week’s podcast I invite you to explore your own limiting stories and how you react to them. Where do they come from? Why do they exist? How do you keep them alive in your daily life? Once you’re aware of your negative story, and how you react to it, you can stop creating it. The problem isn’t being an ogre—we all are at times. The problem is disowning that part of yourself and trying to prove you’re not one. If you accept the ogre inside and stop focusing on it, it will sit quietly and leave you alone. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) You convey a medley of confusion by trying to control perceptions. Instead, let go, be aware and align with your true self. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of healing, toxic relationships, and how to not stop yourself from feeling your feelings. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

What do you think you need to finally feel good? Do you believe you haven’t earned it yet? Haven’t suffered enough? Waiting for permission or a sign from the Universe? You may think feeling good (happy, content, joyful) is something bestowed upon you after you prove you deserve it. Once you hit that salary milestone or kiss 100 frogs. But when you wait for something outside of you, you give up your birthright to feel good. Yes, feeling good is a birthright. And it’s a choice that is always available to you. That means misery and struggle are also a choice, and they don’t go away with wishful thinking. Feeling good requires you to allow those uncomfortable emotions you’re sitting in; to accept everything as it is. It’s not about pretending everything is perfect. You can choose to be with all your feelings, or constantly beat yourself up trying to get to a false nirvana. When you no longer try to shield yourself from negative feelings, you can just be. Listen to this week’s podcast where I help you identify your obstacles to feeling good, and how to feel your way through it. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Feeling good is a choice, even if it is uncomfortable. Start small and smell the flowers, eat the dessert, smile at the stranger and open your heart. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of emotional hunger, letting go of a relationship, and patterns in relationships. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

People who have attachment issues aren’t just attached to other people… they are also attached to ideas. They are attached to how they are seen by others, and how they want things to look. This narrow window of possibility is born from lack—that feeling there is not enough. That THEY as humans are not enough. And if they don’t get what they want, the answer is to work harder for their piece of the pie. The focus is on the negative: what’s missing or not enough or unlikely to work out because of X,Y and Z. And yep, you guessed it, control plays a major role in this limited outlook. We actually create this sense of lack and scarcity by believing there is only one way to do something, so we struggle to make it happen. And then what? If you do achieve your goal, are you happy? Is it actually what you want? Probably not because the lack is still inside you. There is a lack of self-love, lack of self-worth, lack of trust in yourself. That doesn’t go away when you get the thing you’ve been struggling so hard to get. In this week’s podcast I’ll share how I let go of struggle, stopped leading from fear and opened myself to abundance. It really is magical what you can create when you let go and ALLOW. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of yo-yo relationships, emotional commitment, and codependency. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Have you designed a conditional happiness model for yourself? Tracy Litt was 24 when she lost her mom, and 28 when she became an unemployed single mom. If life looks like a heart monitor, those were the two biggest dips in her life. But the second dip was the one that catapulted her out because her higher self finally spoke up. It told her crying self to get up and wipe her face; she had a whole life to create for her and her daughter. Tracy listened. “We all have the same exact depth and breadth of inner power. We all have a higher version of ourselves.” –Tracy Litt That voice spoke to Tracy again after 12 successful years in the corporate world. It said, “This isn’t it. You’re meant for something huge. Get up and figure it out.” The next chapter of her life started with a conscious, intentional decision. She started to pay attention to herself, knowing something had to shift on the inside. When she found coaching, she leaned in. Today her work has served thousands of women across the globe and has been featured in TEDx, Entrepreneur, FastCompany, Thrive Global, and Inc.com. She is the creator of “The Choice Method”: a powerful methodology that allows her clients to elevate happiness, prosperity, and fulfillment with ease. Listen to my powerful conversation with Tracy where she shares the question she asks herself every single day to connect with her higher self. It works 100% of the time. You can access her free 30-minute training video at feelthepowerofcalm.com, and find her at: Website: https://www.thelittfactor.com/ Facebook:@thelittfactor Instagram: @thelittfactor Youtube: @thelittfactor Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

You’re always hoping your next partner will be different; better. But what does that boil down to? What are you truly looking for? If you’re honest with yourself, you might be looking for someone to rescue you because deep down you want to be taken care of. You want someone to fill the emptiness you feel inside. It goes back to childhood, and it keeps intimacy at a distance because you’re waiting for something that won’t ever happen. If you grew up in a household with an Avoidant, vulnerability was scary and unwelcomed, but shame and blame were plentiful. No one took responsibility for their actions. That’s where your fantasies of being rescued were probably born. Avoidance creates a sense of lack, which you believe can only be filled by another person. But how does it make sense for someone to put all of their attention on you while you put zero attention on yourself? It doesn’t. And that crazy expectation leads to a lot of pain. Listen to this week’s episode where I talk about the rescue fantasy: how to acknowledge it, understand it and stop perpetuating it. Because that proverbial white knight who will save you from your current existence isn't coming. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of long friendships ending, letting go of fantasy situations, asexuality. Want to submit a question? Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

You want to meet someone, but it feels like it’s never gonna happen. Where IS he/she already? When will my person finally show up? When is it my turn? People call you picky, but you’re just waiting for the right one. Why should you settle? The truth is, you will never find the perfect person. Humans are flawed, and having impossible standards is what keeps you single. Those standards aren’t there to avoid “settling.” They are about fear. Fear of being seen, fear of being rejected, fear of choosing the wrong person. Have you ever rejected someone because they were too nice or attentive, thinking something must be wrong with them? Your singlehood is not about everything that’s wrong with others—it’s about you. It’s about where you are closed off and don’t accept yourself. Until you can handle being fully seen, you will avoid a relationship. The cost of rejection is too high. In this week’s podcast you’ll learn more about what keeps you single, and how to approach dating differently. It starts with curiosity and my five-minute rule. Because there is no magical person who will sweep you off your feet and wipe away your insecurities. If you’re afraid of settling, ask yourself why you’re settling for singlehood right now? Staying where you are is a choice. Open yourself up to a different one. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of childhood emotional neglect, thoughts of hurting yourself, and your programming being tested by life. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

“Human Design is basically a map of who we came here to be; a blueprint of who we are.” --Laurel Hill Laurel Hill built a successful jewelry business in her 20s that she both loved and was skilled at—the perfect combination. It started organically and served her well for nearly a decade… until burnout set in. Her physical and mental health started to suffer, as did her relationship. How could the business she loved and envisioned for her future no longer be “it” for her? During this time of struggle Laurel heard about Human Design and started to investigate. The more she learned about herself and her aura (Projector), the more she realized how far she had strayed from her center. This allowed her to slowly let go of her jewelry business and transition to work in Human Design, which was not at all easy. Listen as Laurel shares more about Human Design, and why she needed to “kill her ego” to become the person she was designed to be. Today Laurel is an international Human Design guide, drawing from her knowledge of Gene Keys, NLP, Kundalini Yoga, Shadow Work, Embodiment and Reiki to provide holistic Self-Realization readings and guidance. Her clients are at a crossroads in life, or simply want to connect with their inner spark versus the heaviness of how life is “supposed to” look. Laurel helps people align with their own energy, release old conditioning and step into who they are. Learn more about Laurel at: https://thesouthernoracle.co/ Instagram: @laurelhillworkshop Facebook: @laurelhillworkshop Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

You’re a smart cookie and have developed a level of self-awareness from books, podcasts, courses, therapy, etc. Maybe you even share these discoveries with others, feeling enlightened as you recite your issues. You talk about how you always do this one thing on a date to ruin things, or your recurring pattern of being a hostage in your relationships. You know all of this and yet… nothing changes. With all of this self-awareness, why is life not cooperating? Why are you still stuck repeating the same patterns? This is what living in your head looks like. You can collect all the information you want, but knowing your sh*t is not the same as doing something about it. In fact, it can lead to feelings of defeat because you know what you’re doing “wrong,” yet you’re unable to change it. This cycle often starts with anger, then moves to frustration, spirals down to depression and ends with hopelessness. Not fun. You beat yourself up because you can see what’s happening, but you can’t get to the other side. In this episode I’ll talk about the critical step you’re missing (ACTION), and the common obstacles to taking it (fear, control, resistance, trust, collecting evidence). Life can’t be figured out in your head, and change isn’t at the end of your next book. Patterns break when you build trust in yourself, let go of control and have new experiences… even if you don’t know where they will lead. Don’t live your life on the sidelines as a passive observer. Participate. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Stop thinking and listening to your same old stories. Let your heart lead without conditions and DO what you have not yet done. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of someone cutting you off, our conditioning, and getting in touch with your feelings. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Family relationships are tricky—especially with parents. And those primary relationships set the foundation for future relationships. So what happens when you feel like you have to walk a tightrope to keep those people loving you? When you feel like you’re one sentence away from being disowned? When you’re blamed for your mother’s or father’s or sibling’s actions, believing YOU caused them because you’re a bad apple? Well, it results in a lot of walking on eggshells, and often a waterfall of shame and guilt for simply being you. You may whine and complain, make a joke of it, or distance yourself from the toxic family member to cope. It’s heavy baggage that you probably carry into other relationships… tip toeing around and playing small so you won’t be discovered as the black sheep you believe you are. The thing is, NOTHING you say or do will change the person you walk this tightrope with. You can talk until you’re blue in the face to convince them you’re not in the wrong or they misunderstood, but it won’t matter because it’s not about you. It’s about them. Listen to this week’s episode where I talk about this painful family dynamic and how to deal with it. Once again my mother takes center stage, challenging me to focus on the only thing I truly have control over: me. WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget) Being you is not a prison sentence. To accept all of you, stop being your own worst critic and become your own fabulous cheerleader! Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of telling who’s more into who in a relationship, letting others’ opinions hold you back, and helping an avoidant. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Sue was on a trajectory familiar to many of us—go to school and get a corporate job. She worked her way up in the design and branding field, ultimately managing a team of five people. She was “successful” but also busy, traveling too much, eating horribly and stressed out. This compounded over the years, resulting in stomach issues and back pain. Doctor’s couldn’t find the cause, so Sue started researching health and nutrition. Down the rabbit hole she went! She stuck with her job, but after changing her diet, her conditions disappeared. This moment of "wow" set her off on a new trajectory—if she could heal herself, she could help others do the same. “If you’re caught in that diet loop, it’s gotta be a mindset change first. You’ve gotta decide on healthy.” –Sue Hay Sue quit her job, retrained in nutrition and started Thrive magazine as a way to educate people about nutrition while cutting through the confusion. But health, she suggests, is more than just what you’re eating. It also includes where you spend your time, how you manage your stress and what your mindset is. People usually choose long-term health over diet fads when they’ve hit rock bottom. Listen to Sue share her own dietary transformation, and what’s important for each person to keep in mind on their quest to improve their overall health and wellbeing. Learn more about Sue and Thrive: Twitter: @thrivefeelalive Facebook: @thrivefeelalive Instagram: @thrivemagazine Magazine website:www.thrive-magazine.co.uk Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Life was feeling ok until the floor fell out from under you. Your mom called you selfish on the phone yesterday and your friend thought you were rude when you were trying to be funny. Then the person you’re dating suddenly canceled on you with no explanation. What gives? Why is everything suddenly turning to sh*t? This sequence of events triggers your feelings of unworthiness, making you want to crawl into a hole and dissolve into a million pieces. You’re sad and feel victimized. Maybe everyone hates you and you should re-evaluate the value you contribute in all areas of your life. You want someone to rescue you because when you go down the rabbit hole, it can feel impossible to climb out. But of course you have to get yourself out, and actually, come to think of it, it’s rather comfortable down there. It’s a way of escaping life. But what kind of life IS that? Not a very functional one. In this week’s podcast I’ll talk about what to do when you find yourself in this dark place… and no, it is not simply “climb out.” There are important questions to ask so you can stop yourself from further descent, and eventually avoid spiraling in the future. It’s not a fun place, but accepting where you are and using it as an opportunity for growth can turn a dark cloud into a shining light. Wisdom Nugget (#wisdomnugget) As much as the rabbit hole is comfortable and familiar, climb through the inertia and speak your truth to the world. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of wanting to six a relationship with couples therapy, dealing with a partner living in fear and, getting triggered by your partner. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

We create vision boards, write letters, throw pennies in a fountain, set goals, pray and ask the Universe for what we want. Through hard work and determination, we will it into existence… whether it’s a vacation home in Tuscany, the corner office or a picture-perfect family with 2.5 children and a dog named Rover. Often, however, it isn’t the “thing” you actually want. It’s what it represents; the fantasy it fulfills; how it looks from the outside. So when you do get what you “want,” it’s kind of a dud. Then you set your sights on a bigger villa, another promotion, or even a different partner. But what you’re really looking for is nowhere to be found because you don’t know what that is. You just keep filling the hole. When will you stop forcing and start asking yourself why these things don’t deliver the happiness you seek? In this episode you’ll learn how to connect with your deeper motivation, which is key to understanding what you really want (vs. what you THINK you want). Security, health, love and acceptance all play a role. Through this exploration you may discover you’ve been chasing a red herring, and what you truly want is packaged in a totally different wrapper. Force and fantasy won’t give you what you want. Clarity, trust and letting go of expectations will. Wisdom Nugget (#wisdomnugget) Love yourself and connect there. Feel it and then choose—what do I want? Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of recreating your childhood, aversion to intimacy, and not reciprocating someone's feelings. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

“Wellness is a constant evolution; that constant connecting and turning inward and listening to ourselves.” –Lindsey Wilson Lindsey Wilson is the founder of OWL Venice, a Southern California-based wellness company specializing in organic products for digestive health. Although her mother was a dietician and role model for healthy living, Lindsey resisted it growing up, especially in college where she made poor food choices. Then, in 2010, her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and Lindsey realized she needed to make some dietary changes. If someone as healthy as her mom was susceptible to cancer—what did that mean for her? Lindsey also learned of her own kidney and GI issues, so she experimented with super foods, juice cleanses and other diets. Unfortunately her new-found interest made her feel isolated from her music industry community in Chicago, so she headed to an area better suited to her passion: Los Angeles. Through a lot of research and experimentation, Lindsey’s diet evolved, but she discovered a few staples that always nourished her body—bone broth and probiotics. She became more attuned to what her body was telling her, letting that guide her choices. She learned that when she felt like eating, it wasn’t always about hunger. In this episode Lindsey talks about nourishment and the benefits of an alkaline body, including how to guard against disease. She even has a simple lemon test you can do each morning to see how acidic/alkaline your body is! Today Lindsey runs a store front in Venice, CA where she sells her signature Bone Broth Elixirs and Reset Cleanse, among other wellness products like skincare and supplements. She also offers these products online at owlvenice.com. You can learn more about Lindsay and OWL below: OWL's Website: www.owlvenice.com OWL's Instagram: www.instagram.com/owlvenice Lindsey's Instagram: www.instagram.com/lindseyowl Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

No matter how digitally connected we are, loneliness is rampant. Our phones (and computers, tablets, TVs, etc.) are master distraction devices. How often do you scroll through your phone while sitting across from another human? Or while on a Zoom call? Or while on your computer with the TV buzzing in the background? What happened to focusing on one thing or one person with our undivided attention? If your focus is scattered and you are half in/half out, you’re not really anywhere. You feel disconnected. This creates a vicious cycle of needing attention or something to make you feel less lonely, which you seek through these connection tools, only to have your energy sucked dry by not being present. Distraction becomes a form of self-containment, causing loneliness. In this week’s episode we’ll look at why we use technology to distract ourselves, and the cost to our emotional health. We’ll also explore what to do when feeling compelled to pick up your phone. Much of this behavior is on autopilot, so simply becoming aware of how often you grab a device or mindlessly scroll can be eye-opening. When you reduce the distractions and make a conscious effort to be present, you feel more connected to yourself. And when you’re talking with someone, giving them your full attention, you’ll feel a lot less lonely because you’re in the moment together, getting the attention and connection you crave. So put down your phone and be here. Now. Wisdom Nugget (#wisdomnugget) Crave simplicity. The more you allow it, and live it, the better you feel. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of choosing yourself, deciding how you want to feel, how to tell when to stay or when to go. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

You think it’s fate. The “meant-to-be-together” signs are there, and you can’t wait to live happily ever after. But then the relationship you were betting on falls apart or evaporates into thin air. Why is the universe screwing you over AGAIN? You were doing everything right, believing you were being led in the right direction. The universe must be out to get you, wanting you to suffer. Maybe it’s seeking revenge for something horrible you did. Or it sees your fatal flaw and is saving you from revealing it. It is conspiring against your happiness. Just like the other conspiracy theories out there, yours doesn’t hold much weight in reality. You think your doomed love life is happening TO you, not BECAUSE of you. But guess what? The universe isn’t controlling your love life… you are. Instead of looking at the universe as the enemy, look at how you are the one conspiring against yourself. How are you sabotaging your relationships? If you want to attract healthier partners, look at who you currently attract and why. Is it coming from a place of lack? Learn more about why you attract the people you do in today’s episode, and how you can use that awareness to change course. As long as you blame the universe for conspiring against you, it will keep happening… because you are actually creating it. You have the power to shine a light on the truth and turn things around. I’ll show you how. Wisdom Nugget (#wisdomnugget) You can have it all. Stop and look at your expectations, and how you are the one conspiring against you. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of dealing with a dismissive person, having a crush on a stranger, and worrying about screwing up a new relationship. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Bela Gandhi was hit with her matchmaking intuition when she was a senior in college. While chatting with a guy at a party, she experienced a very strong feeling and blurted out, “You’re going to marry my roommate.” She set them up, and today they are married with three kids. But Bela’s path took a turn before she parlayed her dating intuition into a career. Using her degrees in Finance and German, Bela worked for 12 years as an executive at her family’s multinational corporation. She was successful, but her heart started tugging at her to start her own business. Three years of anxiety and fear of failure ensued before Bela started the Smart Dating Academy in 2009. Her first order of business was translating her matchmaking intuition into a process—the same process she used to meet her husband (they have been married more than 20 years and have two kids). “If you find yourself with heavy butterflies in your stomach, it’s your gut telling you to get the hell out!” –Bela Gandhi What’s Bela’s dating philosophy? It’s a lot like mine! A nice-but-not-great first date is preferable to fireworks. She believes we’ve been “Hollywood-ed” into thinking fireworks are what we should look for. That’s a mistake. “Love is a slow burn,” says Bela. She also dismisses the fallacy we should instinctively know how to date. People hire nutritionists, trainers, business coaches, therapists, etc.… why not hire a dating expert? I couldn’t agree more. Tune in to my conversation with Bela to learn the first question she asks clients (something you can ask yourself), and how to know if you are ready to date. Relationship intuition meets business training: it's a match made in heaven. Learn more about Bela and her Smart Dating Academy at: Instagram - @smartdatingacademy Facebook - @smartdatingacademy Twitter - @BelaGandhiLove Website - https://www.smartdatingacademy.com/ Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Have you ever tried to manufacture a fairy tale? In it, you dream of being rescued by your prince or princess. It’s a fantasy love story that you play out in real life, except he/she is more like a villain in a thriller novel or the antagonist of a dark comedy. But no matter… you’ll endure the pain you’re in while telling yourself you’re living in a fairy tale. Playing the victim feels safe and comforting, but of course you don’t really see your character as a victim because your need to cling to a fantasy is stronger than your willingness to see reality. Fantasies are created when you can’t handle your own feelings of disappointment, shame, rejection, etc. It’s a way of avoiding reality, but it comes at a price: pain. And it is a pain you are choosing. You may not even notice, however, because you have grown accustomed to it. In this week’s episode you’ll learn how to be your own rescuer so you can rewrite your story into something that matches reality. And guess what? You can still have your happy ending! A REAL happy ending, not a manufactured one. Wisdom Nugget (#wisdomnugget) You are better than where you are. Listen for the voice inside who knows you are the hero or heroine… and write that story! Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of feeling like an outcast, feeling lost without your partner, and self-responsibility. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

How often do your edit yourself in a relationship so you won’t be kicked to the curb? You’re afraid of asking for what you need, or expressing how you feel because you’re afraid it will be too much to handle. You imagine your mate looking at you like a crazy person, then turning around and leaving. Or, if they stay, you think they will totally shut down and you will feel alone. If you have found yourself in this situation, why are you so focused on the other person’s reaction, trying to anticipate what they might do, rather than looking inside at your own feelings? Why does he/she matter more than you do? When you walk on eggshells and accept breadcrumbs for fear of being abandoned, you are disowning parts of yourself. Anger and resentment often build up because your “perfect” behavior isn’t being recognized and appreciated. It’s like looking for water in a desert; you will never find a healthy relationship this way. In this episode, we’ll look at these self-defeating actions and why you choose them instead of honoring and valuing yourself. It comes from a place of fear, so the first step is understanding what is going on and why you are allowing it to happen—without judgment. This is about acceptance and stopping the struggle so you can do the deeper work of valuing yourself and speaking your truth… no matter what the other person does. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of detaching from a long-distance relationship, onesided relationships, and oversharing. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Monica Berg was a precocious kid, having tea parties with God at the age of three. As she grew up, she lost that spiritual connection, until she found the kabbalah at age 17 and reconnected with that part of herself. She saw people around her chasing happiness and not finding it, so she looked to the kabbalah for guidance down a different path. On her journey, Monica discovered the importance of emotions, and how they are here to tell us something about ourselves. Emotions are also a form of energy that can be transformed into strength, which she drew upon during the most challenging events in her life: an uncle being diagnosed with schizophrenia, an eating disorder, and a son with Down’s Syndrome. The day she looked in the mirror and saw the skeleton she had become, realizing what she had done to herself, Monica started journaling about her shame and disappointment. Being kind to herself followed. When her son was born, she decided to lean all the way into embracing the unknown. She chose a proactive life instead of a reactive one, believing she alone was responsible for the quality of her life. Today, this self-proclaimed “change junkie” is an international speaker, spiritual thought leader and author of two books. She draws from the kabbalah and her personal experiences to remind us of our extraordinary potential… and pushes us onward. “Appreciate the opposition. It’s a gift.” --Monica Berg You can learn more about Monica at: Website: https://rethinklife.today/ Instagram: @monicaberg74 Facebook: @monicaberg74 Twitter: @monicaberg74 Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

This podcast title came from a meme that really resonated with me, “Never beg to be loved.” While it may not sound like something you would do, I see it quite often in insecurely attached relationships (it never happens in healthy relationships). Begging to be loved results from feeling misunderstood or not properly seen, and being so invested in the relationship that you need your partner to be in the same place you are. Your world revolves around him/her, and you’re terrified of not finding that again with someone else. The feeling is desperate and painful; like you might die if your partner leaves. And on top of your fear of loss is a big ol’ layer of shame. If anyone knew how you were acting in order to keep your partner, you would die all over again. This also happens a lot with break-ups. Your partner says it’s over, which sends you into a tail spin. You beg him/her to stay because when you look at the future, all you see is pain. The only thing you believe will ease that pain is to convince your partner it’s a mistake, and you’ll do whatever it takes to demonstrate how awesome and amazing you are. If you’ve ever been on the other side of this, you know it doesn’t matter what your partner says or does. When you’re done, you’re done. When you beg to be loved, it comes from an attached place of being chosen rather than choosing—a powerless position. Let me tell you something: there is NOTHING so flawed about you that you need to beg someone to love you. Nothing. Zilch. Believing that on an emotional level, however, can be challenging because your negative beliefs show up telling you you’re not good enough, not worthy of love, etc. So instead of fighting it, ride that emotional wave and accept where you are. Accept the shame and really FEEL it. Then, look deeper at what you’re afraid of losing. What do you think you can only get from this one person? Whatever that is, give it to yourself. When you’re filled up emotionally, you will never have to beg to be loved; that love will already exist inside. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of judging family for their actions, having anxiety in a new relationship, and feeling insecure when your partner meets friends. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

I used to dim my light in relationships, believing I was too much: too strong, too masculine, too overbearing, too intimidating. It all went back to childhood, as these negative beliefs usually do. Instead of being myself, I tried to exude who I thought I needed to be. Not too much, not too little… jussssst right. Like Goldilocks. What an exhausting dance, not to mention inauthentic. Even with all that effort, I never did feel like I could get it right. But the point isn’t to get it “right.” The point is to connect with someone who thinks you are awesome exactly as you are. Your perceived flaws or “too muchness” is what someone else will be drawn to. Overcompensating for what you fear is too much (or even too little) stems from a fear of rejection. And it’s old. If your mom or dad used to say, “No one will like you if you do X,” or “You’re too much—who will ever be able to handle that?” it sticks with you. It can erode your sense of value so you start to believe that who you are is unlovable. But walking on eggshells does not equal true love. It is a barrier to intimacy and connection. So how do you live into your true self? That’s the topic of this week’s episode where I’ll challenge you to look at what you hold back from doing or saying. Once you identify where you aren’t being your authentic self, you can work on accepting those parts of yourself. Then, instead of contorting yourself into a not-too-much/not-too-little mold, you’ll let your light shine brightly and attract someone who falls in love with THAT! Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of fear of loss, the drama triangle, and choosing against yourself. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Melanie Tonia Evans had done a lot of personal development work, believing she had things figured out. It wasn’t until she married a narcissist, and had a subsequent psychotic break, that she was confronted with everything she hadn’t healed within herself. She thought he was the love of her life when they met—his delightful qualities making up for the lies, violence and other red flags she dismissed as outliers. Eventually, this smart, self-aware woman was hooked. He was her heroin addiction, and after about five years of marriage, she hit bottom. Suicidal and weighing less than 80 lbs., Melanie suffered a psychotic adrenal breakdown that she was told she would never fully recover from. Doctors said she would need three anti-psychotic drugs just to function. “You can’t think your way out of extreme trauma.” –Melanie Tonia Evans In this episode of “Moving On,” you’ll learn about the blinding clarity Melanie experienced shortly after her breakdown, where she saw her husband as a mirror for everything she hadn’t healed. She finally acknowledged her inner self and realized none of it was about him. She could heal herself, but she had to do it from the inside. Melanie never took those anti-psychotic drugs, and her revolutionary recovery process led to the creation of the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP), which she runs today. Melanie’s work has touched the lives of over 15 million people from more than 100 countries, and her abuse recovery system is recommended by doctors, psychologists, therapists and renowned relationship experts from all over the world. You can find Melanie at: melanietoniaevans.com Instagram - @MelanieToniaEvans Facebook - @MelToniaEvans YouTube - youtube.com/user/MelanieToniaEvans Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Change is hard no matter how you look at it, but your perception of change adds another layer. This often happens when you complain about someone, believing they need to do things differently. “Why do they always do X?!” or “Why don’t they stop doing X?” There is no room for them to be themselves and make their own choices. It can also happen the other way. Maybe someone in your life changed and you don’t like it. You swear they are wrong or bad, and you want them to go back to the way they were. In your mind, your perception is the only way. You can’t let go or accept anything different. But why do you personalize someone else’s actions, and feel the need to judge them? When you label someone’s lack of change (or their new way of doing things) as good or bad, you’re attaching your own story to it. You are not responsible for someone else’s path, and you can’t control what they do or don’t do. Sure it can be frustrating when people don’t do what you want, but instead of shaming them for being “wrong,” turn the mirror on yourself. Why do their actions make you uncomfortable? Why do you have such a rigid view of right and wrong? What are YOU clinging to? And what do you get out of being judgmental and self-righteous? In this episode we will dig into these questions and more because the only person you can change is yourself. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of toxic people, intellectualizing your feelings, developing a sense of belonging. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

How often do you look back on decisions and cringe? It could be a relationship where your partner cheated on you, but you decided to stay. Then they did it again and you still stayed! Or it could be how you used to punish people for not living up to your perfectionist expectations. Most of us have regrets of some sort. This is especially true if you are working on yourself because the person you are becoming is much more aware than the person you used to be. And that’s a good thing! Your past choices aren’t the problem—it’s how you berate yourself now for what you did back then. You may even wonder how someone who made so many bad decisions could ever deserve happiness. This is a prison you build for yourself, which only serves to rob you of happiness. When you look back with regret and catch yourself saying, “How could I be so stupid?” or “What was WRONG with me?” take a step back and ask yourself how you felt back then. How much did you value yourself? Regret usually comes from a place of lack—lack of self-confidence, self-love, self-awareness, etc. But remember, you’re not the same person now, so looking for reasons to regret your choices will tie you to punishment. In this episode, learn how to release your shame and regret by accepting who you were at the time and owning the decisions you made. It’s really ok! Instead of focusing on your mistakes, be proud of how far you’ve come. Because you wouldn’t cringe if you haven’t grown. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of lifelong healthy relationships, love vs. attachment, and coping after a breakup. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Zahara has lived many lifetimes in her life. She was an elite martial artist at a young age until she had to have a spinal fusion surgery at 13. Despite being told she wouldn't come back, she did. She trained until she could walk, waled until she could run, run until she could kick, and trained to go to the Olympics until she was in her 20s. A double kidney infection took her out of the sport, and she had to shed her identity as an elite martial artist. She became the executive director of marketing for one of the biggest baseball agencies when she was 25. She let that job go after she discovered her passion for facilitating groups and holding space for people. She's been helping people finding what they're passionate about since then. Here's what we talked about: -Her elite martial artist journey -Her many death processes she has experienced in her life -How she became addicted to prescription drugs -Finding something to be passionate about in the darkest moment -Struggling with co-dependency -Rebirthing from nothing Here's more about Zahara: Zahara Zimring is a transformational coach, liberation artist, evolutionary astrologer and ceremonialist. She is the creator of the Liberation Dojo, a signature experience that shatters limitation and offers a safe space to expand beyond fear-based behavior patterns, while activating dormant gifts and being held in community. Once an elite martial artist and Olympic hopeful who ultimately overcame a debilitating spinal fusion, Zahara is passionate about helping others turn trauma into triumph and wounding into warrior wisdom. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Do you ever find yourself saying, “This always happens to me,” or “I never get what I want?” or “I have the worst luck!”? You think they are truths, but they are just stories you tell yourself. Then you go around collecting evidence to prove they’re true. Maybe your story is that relationships are hard work, riddled with drama (that used to be one of mine). So what happens? You choose relationships where you have to work hard in order to prove your story right, although you’re usually unaware you’re doing it… or why you’re doing it. The sad part about these stories is they are self-limiting because you unconsciously decide what is possible for yourself. But when you become aware of your stories, you can change them. Humans have a hard time being neutral. Our biases and perspective, based on our childhood and life experiences, shape how we view the world. But if you step into someone else’s shoes, you can imagine a different perspective. Maybe you know someone who is lucky—things tend to work out for them. They have probably chosen a very different story about themselves, and you can too. This episode is about flipping your perspective and challenging your stories so you stop collecting evidence that they’re true. Once you do that, you can write a new one. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of breaking the cycle of dating the same kind of people, scaring people off by wanting to go deep, and being surrounded by people but feeling lonely. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Are you in a relationship or dating someone who’s more robot than human; someone who intellectualizes everything and doesn’t show any warmth? Or what about someone who makes big promises all the time and never, ever follows through? Or maybe you’re with someone who appears and disappears without warning, pretending it’s normal, making you think YOU are the crazy one? These are signs of an Avoidant relationship. If you find yourself in one, you have to ask yourself… why are you there? Is it because you mistake those butterfly feelings for real love? Those feelings actually stem from a fear of abandonment. You’re trying to get the other person to cooperate with you and see your value, fearing they will leave you at any moment. It’s chemistry mixed with anxiety. There is also zero consistency in these relationships. So if you’re in a situation like this, realize it’s not healthy and look at how you got here. You made the choice to be with an Avoidant… which means you are also an Avoidant. Or an Anxious Avoidant. Securely attached people do not, I repeat do NOT, engage with people like this. Nobody who loves and accepts themself will put up with someone who is inconsistent and won’t emotionally commit. Period. In this episode I’ll show you how to identify what blocks you from giving to yourself and showing yourself love. Because this lack of self-love is what leads you to seek it from people who are unable to give it. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of saying “I love you” vs. “Love you”, long-distance relationships turning cold, and being scared of being authentic from the beginning in a relationship. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Being an Avoidant is a constant struggle… a struggle for internal peace, a struggle to be understood, a struggle to tear down emotional walls. I know all of this very well because I grew up as an insecurely attached Avoidant, so my journey has been to understand myself on an emotional level (not intellectual) and do the opposite of what my patterns dictated. This is tough because Avoidancy shows up in so many areas of life—avoiding bills, conversations, people in the supermarket, situations where you don’t have control, etc. It’s a coping mechanism developed in childhood as a way to feel safe, which ends up walling you off from the world in adulthood. It results in numbing, disassociating, distancing, loneliness and being overly-sensitive. Yeah, being an Avoidant is no damn fun. So if you’re an Avoidant, what do you do about it? In this episode I list a bunch of Avoidant characteristics because the first step is awareness. If a few of these resonate with you, you are probably somewhere on the Avoidant spectrum. This can actually be a comfort because you realize you aren’t a freak of nature—there are lots of Avoidants out there! It’s like discovering the island of misfit toys and jumping for joy. But awareness of your self-protective (and self-destructive) patterns is just the beginning. You have to get out of “know-it-all” mode and open yourself up to learning about yourself on a deeper level. There is no quick fix to being an Avoidant. It’s a lifelong commitment to vulnerability, feeling your feelings and uncomfortable actions. But doing this will move you out of your small, protective foxhole into a world of connection, love and limitless possibility. It’s worth every painful step because contrary to what you might think, you are NOT better off alone. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of emotional resilience, commitment issues, and not forcing yourself to feel something you don't feel. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Everything is connected. But sometimes we get confused about what that means. We use moments of synchronicity to confirm our story, not reality. We put all this weight and importance on a few signs from the universe, assigning meaning based on what we want to see. This often results in a lot of waiting… and misery. It’s how people end up waiting for their “soul mate” to wake up and realize what has been right in front of them the whole time. Sadly it doesn’t happen. Connection is created through love and abundance, not fear and scarcity. If you ever dated someone who you really clicked with, then he/she started pulling away, perhaps you started to look for signs that you’re meant to be together. You know the same circle of people, like the same flavor of ice cream and grew up near each other. Your astrological chart even says you’re a perfect match. You’re so in sync… he/she must be the one! So you don’t date anyone else and you wait. For years, maybe. Does he/she ever come around? No. In this episode you’ll learn that synchronicity is an inside job, not a bunch of external signs. It comes FROM connection, not in trying to create connection to match your story. Before you pin your hopes on a series of synchronous signs, listen to this podcast. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of emotional resilience, being afraid of the work needed to have a healthy relationship, and being excited about dating. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Meghan's dad was very insistent on her getting a degree in engineering. She moved to New York to go to Parsons, where she met her ex-husband. They moved out to LA, and her life changed completely. She went from being a designer in New York from being a stay at home mom in LA. She started studying Reiki, and eventually, she discovered Feng Shui. After her husband asked for the divorce, she struggled financially and worried about being able to provide for her children. Her phone started ringing soon enough after friends and family started noticing her Feng Shui work in her own place, and her business has been growing ever since. Here's what we talked about: -Why her dad forced her to get an engineering degree -Being attached to outcomes -How she started her business out of pure necessity -Going through a difficult divorce -How Feng Shui aligns every area of life -How your house reflects the presence of sensuality in a home Here's more about Meghan: Meghan Wallace James, a Los Angeles–based feng shui consultant, has designed a modern take on the practice, with a particularly intriguing goal—it might help improve your sex life. She fell in love with feng shui three years ago, thanks to a trio of events: a cross-country move, a home renovation, and a sudden divorce. A former engineer and fashion designer, she created her technique with patience, time, and bold experimentation, making sure to listen to her home and possessions while researching the core principles. To test her process, she sent an email to the mothers at her son's preschool offering free consults. "Via those consults, I discovered that, one, I am a baby whisperer and can get kids to sleep through the night by rearranging their bedrooms, and two, that sensuality within a home is pivotal and primordial, for, in its absence, the energy is soggy and weak." It was those initial consults that allowed her to create her modern take on feng shui: a "passionate trifecta" of space, style, and sex, which applies to every one of her clients. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

What flaw are you constantly trying to hide? What holds you back from what you want in life? What do you beat yourself up about regularly? Maybe it’s your thighs, or your education level, or your salary, or the fact that you’re single. Insecurity is just another form of problem-solving. You believe if the problem (i.e. insecurity) were to go away, everything would be fine. The path ahead would be clear of obstacles: “If I just had a college degree, I’d be able to get a better job.” Uh… not exactly. Getting rid of your flaws does not bring you closer to happiness—accepting them does. When you focus on your insecurities, you actually create obstacles because it distracts you from achieving what you want. You miss out on the life you could be living because you’re so fixated on solving what you THINK is the problem. But what then? Will you automatically be happier when your thighs are skinny, or you finally get into a relationship? Nope, and you will find other insecurities to focus on. In this episode, you’ll learn steps toward accepting your flaws so you no longer use them as an excuse for not having what you want. It’s a powerful exercise in self-compassion and self-love. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of beating yourself up for our past behavior, mixed signals, and judging yourself when an ex moves on. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

How often do you make assumptions about how someone else is feeling based on how you would feel? Or believe you have them figured out based on past experiences? This is called projecting, and it’s one of many ways we create distance in relationships. You think you have people figured out, but the way you think, feel and act is not the same as other people. This happens a lot with texting. You receive a text and assign a bunch of meaning to it: why they reached out, their goal, their mood, their motivation. You come to a conclusion based on what you would do (“Oh yeah, I would totally lie in this situation”), or based on past experiences (“This is what so-and-so said before they broke things off with me!”). But… what if you’re wrong? What if this person’s intention is totally different than what you assume? When you assign blame without knowing the truth, your reaction contributes to the outcome you fear. So if you’re afraid of being rejected and assume that’s what’s happening, you’re more likely to create it. If you want to be close to someone, stop projecting your thoughts and feelings onto others. The simple act of asking creates connection rather than distance. In this episode, we’ll look at how your fear of disappointment drives this behavior, and how to stop assuming your way to the outcome you DON’T want. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of people-pleasing in female friendships, taking responsibility for your own happiness, communicating from the beginning when dating someone. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Dana felt like there was something wrong with her all the time in her twenties, and she tried everything and anything you can name trying to fix herself until she ended up in the hospital. No matter what she tried, she felt like there was something to fix. After coming out of the hospital, she vowed never to follow any other expert telling her what to do blindly. She found Feng Shui and decided to do it for her own personal gain but did not intend to make it a career at all. Eventually, she got to a place where she felt like nothing was missing, and she's been working with people ever since. Here's what we talked about: -Feeling like something is always wrong -Growing up with self-help books -Following trends and experts without doubt -Dana ending up in the hospital and how she recovered -How Dana found Feng Shui and why she decided to get certified -Enjoying something when there is no monetary gain behind it -The School of Intention and how it integrates Feng Shui into daily life Here's more about Dana: Dana Claudat is a Feng Shui Master, artist, and writer. She's the founder of The School of Intention training, where she shares her revolutionary method of modern Feng Shui-- based on Infinite Possibility, Creative Awakening and Intention. In addition, she's a speaker, writer and an Instructor at Mind Body Green. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Your partner is too short, likes you too much, has a job you don’t like or breathes too loudly. You hear the voices of other people in your head judging them, even if those people never say anything to you. You worry about your mate not measuring up, but this judgment is really your own self-judgment, stemming from a state of lack. You don’t feel you deserve someone who cares about you, but instead of dealing with those deeper feelings, you punish them. You’re like a porcupine, bristling and irritated for no reason (what did they do?!). The drama you create is triggered by your unconscious, causing you to withdraw and create distance. You’re stuck and frustrated, but also afraid your punishment might push them away. It’s an anxious dance. If you notice yourself doing this, ask yourself why you are choosing to be in a relationship with this person. Have they really done something horrible, or is it your own feeling of not being good enough? When you punish others, you are also punishing yourself and causing misery for the both of you. In this episode, learn how to check in with yourself when the anger or irritation bubbles up, then look inside to question where it comes from. The more you can connect with what’s really going on and own it, the less compelled you’ll feel to punish someone for simply being human. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of feeling not good enough when an ex-partner moves on, self-sabotage, and giving mixed messages. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Complainers are addicted to feeling bad. Those who constantly compare themselves to others, believing everyone else is better off, are addicted to feeling bad. People who host weekly pity parties about everything that sucks in their lives are addicted to feeling bad. So why would you choose this over feeling good? Because it’s easier. It allows you to avoid your fears, blame the universe for your problems and not do anything differently. Choosing to feel bad let’s you off the hook so you don’t have to make changes (that’s the benefit). But it also keeps you stuck in a personal prison where everything remains frustratingly the same. You want your life to change, but you can’t see what you do to hold yourself in this “feeling bad” state. To do things differently is too scary, so you don’t do it. But that’s the path to feeling good: going through those fear walls and making things happen. The longer you stay victimized by your own thoughts and stories, judging your life by the outside, the longer you stay in your self-made prison. In this episode I’ll show you how to start breaking your addiction to feeling bad. It requires deep emotional work and a willingness to confront your fears. Your past does not define your present or your future. You get to choose how you feel from this point forward… so isn’t it time to start feeling GOOD? Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of personalizing your children's behavior, knowing what you want, and taking rejection personally. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

#495 - Moving On with Audrey Hope Audrey has had multiple of what she calls "karmic points" that have led her to change her path various times. After seeing firsthand the suffering that women experienced around their bodies, she started a show called Real Women to help stop the brainwashing that affected women and presenting positive role models. Another of those moments was responsible for her starting her healing work with people. After working extensively on healing herself for a relationship, she heard a voice telling her to get on Plenty Of Fish, where she ended up meeting her husband. Audrey is an excellent example of healing yourself and receiving guidance from the universe. Here's what we talked about: -Surrendering in moments of change -Asking for guidance and receiving it -Healing yourself to be able to manifest what you want -How you can see challenging moments as guidance to something better -The importance of letting go in healing and manifesting -Leaving her dad and the job at the family business -Accessing your psychic powers Here's more about Audrey: Audrey Hope, D.D. is an award-winning certified addiction therapist and holds a Doctor of Divinity degree, who uses her abilities as a clairvoyant psychic medium to heal patients from trauma. A multi-talented force in the healing arts for over 20 years, Audrey Hope's gentle-but-firm approach in addiction and relationships gets to the 'root of the root' to solve problems through spiritual modalities as she guides patients to freedom using a new frontier of healing to achieve inner peace. She has her own practice in the heart of Brentwood, CA, is the host of her weekly YouTube advice show "Hope For Relationships," and is also an addiction therapist at Seasons In Malibu rehab facility. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Do you have personas for different situations to make sure you’re never “wrong” or out of place? When talking with other people, do you constantly gauge their reactions and make assumptions about what they think of you (i.e. you’re boring, you’re dumb, there is something terribly wrong with you)? Maybe you fear all hell will break loose if you show who you really are. Those assumptions are based on your negative beliefs, and trying to avoid them turns you into an anxious chameleon, walking on eggshells to avoid rejection (that’s quite the visual, isn’t it?!). Chameleons spend a lot of time and energy trying to disprove their negative beliefs. Putting on a circus act will show you’re not boring. No one will accuse you of being dumb if you always quote from scholarly books. But where are YOU in all this? By trying to prevent people from seeing your negative traits (which may be entirely in your head), you don’t allow yourself to feel your good beliefs. When you embrace your negative beliefs, an amazing thing happens. You start feeling the good you never allowed yourself to feel before. A compliment actually means something (you can feel it) because you’re not afraid of losing it. In this episode I’ll show you how to be the worst of who you fear you are… and own it. Only then can you be who you are wherever you go instead of constantly adapting to your environment. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of trust problems in relationships, affairs, and fear triggering you. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

When you’re a kid and your mom or dad reacted to you at times as though you had done something wrong, and you had not. You might have felt misunderstood or confused by their words or actions. In those moments, mom or dad were dealing with their own stuff and some of their frustration, anger, exhaustion, sadness, anxiety, etc was put on you. As an adult, do you still carry baggage leftover from your parents' choices? We are clueless as kids, we have no idea why mom or dad feel how they do and treat us how they do. They weren’t saying, “Hey, I am really frustrated by this problem at work and I am sorry I took it out on you.” Or maybe they ignored you, no matter how much you wanted their attention? And at other time they told you that you were too much, too difficult, or always doing something wrong. Whatever it was that created the idea that you were somehow responsible for how your parents felt, it was not a true observation, even if they said how they felt was all your fault. The truth is: Your parents projected their own insecurities and issues onto you. Their choices had nothing to do with you, in how they chose to treat you and everything to do with the qualities they were lacking in how to deal. It's time to put down the baggage you've been carrying. In this podcast episode, you'll learn how to break through your old thoughts of who you are through someone else's eyes, and become who you really are.

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of one-sided relationships, how to change without beating yourself up, and dating someone who's stingy with their money. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Alexandra grew up shaping her life around a thesis rather than a career by following her intuition and making decisions that to others seem strange but to her felt like answering a call. Her artistic career extends to tv, movies, shows, photography, and now a book. She currently works with women by helping them heal and learn how to love themselves and make their lives a work of art through coaching and spiritual teachings. Here's what we talked about: -Considering our identity around the work that you do -Making decisions by following what's pulling you -The pain she carried with her after her parents' divorce -Maintaining love relationships while traveling -What the title of her book, F*ck Like a Goddess, really means -Loving all the parts of yourself Here's more about Alexandra: Alexandra's path to healing and storytelling began at a young age. With a career traversing genres, but with a through-line of exploration of the female body and the re-integration of the divine feminine into the collective narrative. Named a "modern spiritual leader" by Well + Good she sees clients in one on one coaching and mentorship, leads retreats around the world, and teaches monthly online in her online community Radical Awakenings. Her healing and coaching work and ideas on healing and spirituality have been featured in the New York Times, Harper's Bazaar, Vogue, The Guardian, Nylon, Playboy, and many other international publications. Her first book F*ck Like a Goddess: Heal Yourself. Reclaim Your Voice. Stand in Your Power is out now. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

You feel like you need to "fix" other people. Do you spend a lot of your time and energy focused on the other people in your life? Maybe you rehearse what you need to say, so you get the reactions you want. You might even think there is an issue and plan out how you’ll react to them. Maybe you spend hours planning your actions, always trying to control the situation. Whether this happens behind a computer screen on social media or to your significant other, when you focus on fixing someone else's flaws, you're avoiding your own. Controlling someone else just helps you avoid what's going on inside. You can waste your life focused on someone else's or you can start to focus on your own and why you need others to be how you want them. In this episode, you'll learn how to take action for yourself, and focus on what you can do for YOU. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of choosing preferences vs. connection when dating, staying in an unhappy marriage for your kids, and introducing your partner to your family. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Recently, by looking at myself and where I used to be, I've had a big realization: I've come so far in my journey of attachment. I listen to others who are trying to salvage relationships with people who it is “square peg/round hole” situations and the pain, the suffering and hope that this could somehow turn into something which feels good is a motivator. The big issue is that you aren’t being nice to yourself and I guarantee you may not feel your date or mate is being nice to you either. In my relationship, my husband cares about my feelings, and he does nice things for me all the time. At an earlier point in my life, I would've been waiting for the big reveal, for the moment he realizes that I'm worthless. Meanwhile, I would've done everything that I could to prove I was worthy of someone being good to me. All that work, all the time left me always feeling like I just had to do more; it was a constant push/pull. I've learned how to break my own patterns of self-sabotage and receive love and attention. As I have grown, I care about my own feelings, I care what I give and what I receive; I am all about feeling good and having that reflected by handling someone being nice to me. In today's episode, you'll learn how to love and accept yourself, so you can finally be ready for a happy, healthy relationship. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of letting go of relationships, believing someone will change because of you, and when you should not be vulnerable. Join my FREE Facebook Group for free monthly challenges and ongoing support from me and my coaches: https://bit.ly/2WRdKBt Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Lisa had to make the difficult decision of ending her marriage when she realized she was conditioning her kids to be dysfunctional just as her parents had programmed her. It killed her inside to see the effect of what she was doing in her children. Her therapist told her it would take everything she had to change it, but she knew she had to do it. After an ugly divorce, her personal trainer clients started to express their interest in her coaching them. She built her website and started writing about what she had learned and people responded! She eventually wrote her book ''The Road Back to Me'" and it became an Amazon bestseller. After that, the flood gates opened, she wrote more books and became a certified life coach. She now helps people to get out of the patterns they run and stop begin codependent. Here's what we talked about: -How Lisa found out she wasn't crazy but codependent -Getting into the wrong relationships because the new potential partner looks good on paper -People-pleasing as a result of feeling unworthy -Self-care being deemed as selfish by the people in your life -A marriage not surviving if both people don't grow together -Going from victimhood to empowerment -Codependency and the patterns we run over and over again -Understanding where you come from is the only way to change where you're going -Attachment vs. codependency Here's more about Lisa: Lisa A. Romano is a Certified Life Coach, bestselling author, and YouTube Vlogger specializing in codependency and narcissistic abuse recovery. Lisa is also one of the most listened to meditation teachers on Insight Timer and her podcast, Breakdown to Breakthrough ranks in the top 100 of the mental health category. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Your life isn't a fairytale, who’s is? For some of us we have this sneaky little habit. It’s called looking for problems, all the time and you probably don’t even know it! Perhaps, you're someone who looks for problems as a distraction. If you were to look at your life objectively, do you really have any major problems? I get it if you do, absolutely! Sometimes things happen that are to be dealt with and you have no choice. But I am talking about where you do have a choice, where if you were to focus on the good in your life you would realize there is not a real problem. And that is where you want to have awareness, the awareness of how you create problems with impossible solutions to keep you from looking inside and figuring out what's really going on. With everything happening in the world right now that's out of your control, you might be feeling like a victim of circumstances. You might wake up every day afraid and anxious, watching the news, social media, anything that can feed right into how you feel these reactive feelings. Often though there is no looking beneath the reactions you feel, instead it’s an avoidance of what is really going on inside. It is how you avoid what triggers you or why you feel out of control on the inside, so it just keeps you in a cycle of repetition. Looking at the same reactions every day and calling that the problem rather than digging deeper to see what is really going on! In today's podcast, I'll show you that your life isn't really a mess, but a distraction. You'll learn to grow up and live your life without fear weighing you down. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of avoiding through distractions, feeling responsible for sabotaging your relationship, and creating problems that don't exist. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

You want a relationship. In fact when you think about it, it sounds great! But the reality is that the only place it is functional is in your head. You want to connect with someone, but you hate the thought of being out of control of your emotions. Self-discipline matters more, you've built your whole life on control: what you wear, what you eat, how you look. Even when you find yourself attached to someone, you spend so much time trying to get your control back. You are an emotional avoidant, a self-disciplined one. In today's episode, you'll learn how to stop avoiding and invest in your emotional freedom. That's the only way you can truly live. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of the connection between feeling your feelings and law of attraction and trying to change your partner, fixing yourself before fixing your relationship. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Damona Hoffman grew up in a predominantly white suburb in Michigan, and as a biracial woman, she didn't feel she was attractive enough to date at a young age. Once she was able to celebrate her unique characteristics and learned to love them, she found her ideal partner. Damona worked in casting and teaching actors when she started noticing the similarities between casting and online dating. After she met her husband online, people started coming to her for help with their dating profiles. Using her knowledge of how to get noticed from her years in casting, she helped many people meet their significant other. Here's what we talked about: -Her switch between shitty dating and good dating -Confusing initial chemistry in a date with love -The importance of mindset in finding an ideal partner -The visualization exercise she does with her clients -How she manifested her husband -How she became a dating coach after interviewing for 17 jobs and not getting any of them -Looking for signs and confirmations that you're on the right path Here's more about Damona: Damona Hoffman is a dating coach & media personality who starred in two A+E Networks' TV series: #BlackLove and A Question of Love. She's a regular contributor to The Washington Post, LA Times, CNN Headline News (HLN), BET.com, and more. She also hosts and produces the weekly podcast, Dates & Mates with Damona Hoffman. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

At a young age, we learned to hide the parts of ourselves that made adults uncomfortable. It can feel like in your mind you will never be known. Some of us created a whole identity on not being known and our struggle to be seen and heard as who we were and are. It can create a great deal of shame, because it may be the feeling you try to avoid by hiding who you are. You may have been shamed for what you did or did not do because your parents didn't know how to deal with you. They may have been going through their own stuff, which limited how they were able to deal. The shame has carried through your adult life still with the identity and the feeling of will anyone ever really know me and stay? You've struggled to feel seen and to find value in yourself because your environment growing up did not give you an opportunity for anyone to see the real you. This struggle for validation is generational. To finally be authentically you, you have to learn to let go of the feelings your parents (and their parents, and their parents and so on) have projected onto you. In this episode, you'll learn how to break the cycle of generational shame, not being known and connect with yourself. The only way you find happiness is through self-acceptance. You have to learn to just be you. In this episode, you'll learn how to tackle your shame and break your cycle of perfectionism. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of the difference between emotional baggage and a rough patch, pointing out your partner's emotional baggage and true intimacy. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Are you always pushing yourself to try harder, to be better? Even when you reach the accomplishment you wanted, something is still missing. So you repeat the same cycle of needing to be better, to be perfect. Perhaps, you keep questioning yourself about current circumstances and feel you’ve done it all and still here you are, no movement. The little voice inside says you need to be better and you respond with, “But how?” Frustrating? Yes! The idea is it must be all your fault that things don’t change or that you are constantly going back to finger pointing the person in the mirror. This cycle of perfectionism is all about gaining control, and it can lead to many destructive behaviors. The truth is: you'll never be happy this way. The only way you find happiness is through self-acceptance. You have to learn to just be you. In this episode, you'll learn how to tackle your shame and break your cycle of perfectionism. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of the fear of being alone, reacting to your triggers, and walking on eggshells with your partner. Want to submit your question? Email [email protected] and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Shanna Lee has, as she says it, a Ph.D. in moving on. In this episode, Shanna shares her story of chasing happiness in the wrong things. After questioning her actions, career, lifestyle, and much more, she had a spiritual awakening that led her to connect to her truth. She shares how her reality shifted after she started speaking about the changes she wanted. -Here's what we talked about: -How having a child can bring a personal awakening to parents -Fear-based relationships with family members -The process of deep transformation -How Shanna works on manifestation with her clients -How she reconnected with her intuitive abilities in adulthood Here's more about Shanna: Shanna Lee is an intuitive healer and celebrity manifestation coach. She is the #1 best-selling author of The Soul Frequency: Your Healthy, Awakened, and Authentic Life and the host of The Soul Frequency Show podcast, leading the conversation on raising your energy frequency and creating a life founded on truth and alignment. She is a speaker, businesswoman, and consultant to executives of Fortune 500 companies, celebrities, influencers, and fashion industry experts. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Do you feel guilty or as though your life is ripped to shreds after a breakup? Do you blame yourself for them leaving, think there's something you could've done to make them stay? If only? Maybe you believe you can fix it now? You believe that they're your soulmate, and you just need to convince them that you've changed. But the truth is...you weren't in a healthy relationship. You're attached to the intensity of the relationship and the sexual connection you felt to that person. These are often mistaken for love. The person you think is your soulmate is a fantasy that you've created. In this episode, you'll learn how to look at reality and confront your emotional fears, so you can finally have a happy, healthy relationship. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of dealing with a narcissist boss, navigating significant life changes, and putting a label on your relationship. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Do you feel like you should have been doing things differently the last few months, specifically do you feeling shame or guilt during this pandemic? For many of us, the stress and unknown of the situation has diminished our sex lives, our ability to focus and put extra pounds on our waistline. Because of this, you might be feeling shame for not keeping up with your usual routines, but what about those routines? Did you like them or did you keep them up as a way of avoiding yourself or putting off what you wanted? So many of us have had a hard look at the way we have been living and may be dissatisfied but without a clue on what to do. We all cope with stress in different ways. Whether you've stopped working out or baked a few too many loaves of banana bread, you shouldn't feel guilty. In today's episode, you'll learn how to be okay with where you are right now and how to cope in times of change. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of yo-yo relationships, why communicating with your ex is triggering you, and being too vulnerable. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Dr. Ish Major got into mental health from an early age. Today he joins me to share his story of becoming one of the top psychiatrists in the country. He shares the influence his parents had in his life and the hurdles he had to overcome after his medical practice failed. The opportunities he created during his most challenging time are remarkable and a true testament to the power of perspective. Here's what we talked about: -What he learned from his parents and how it shaped his decisions in life -The story of how his first attempt of setting up a practice failed -How he came back from a failed practice to appearances on TV -The difference between women and men when it comes to seeking out help -How his personal relationships have changed since his TV career kicked off -The impact his work has in his home state of South Carolina -His current work in Marriage Boot Camp and why he loves it Here's more about Dr. Ish: Dr. Ish Major has spent the last 15 years demystifying the male psyche and helping men and women navigate their way through the dating jungle. Educated at the University of South Carolina School of Medicine, Dr. Ish is a board-certified psychiatrist who specializes in women, children and families and all things dating, mating and relating. Dr. Ish was named to the prestigious list of America's Top Psychiatrists for the last three years and is recognized by the International Association of Healthcare Professionals as one of Leading Physicians of the World. As an on-camera expert, Dr. Ish is the co-host of WeTV's hit series Marriage & Family Boot Camp Reality Stars and is a frequent guest host on The Doctors and resident expert on Access Hollywood Live, Steve, and The Today Show. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Insecure attachment is a subject I have touched on in several podcasts, and in this weekly Tuesday series, I will include some moments from my own life, along with “how-to” tips for getting to your feelings and changing your attachment one piece at a time. None of my relationships were based in love; they were based in attachment. I didn’t know this at the time, however, because I had no means of comparison. I had the notion of love SO WRONG. How about you? I speak to people of all ages who have never experienced true, intimate love. They experienced what they thought was love, but was really just straight-up “can’t live without you,” or “devastation when met with silence,” or “abandonment with a constant state of anxiety.” These are not love. Looking back I see that my relationships were all about having it my way, even though I didn’t think so at the time. I was so busy people pleasing, trying to be perfect and keeping score that I left my mate little choice but to go along with it. And when he didn’t, I would blame him and build a case. Fear creates all sorts of issues around emotional availability, keeping you from taking responsibility in relationships, which translates into drama, pain and disconnection. Learn how to FEEL the feelings you’ve pushed aside, and how to navigate your emotions in a way that connects you to yourself for deeper, happier relationships. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of being scared of starting your own business, what to do after overreacting, and moving too fast in a relationship. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

When I was a child, I attracted life based on fear. I was rarely able to have fun, always afraid of what lay ahead. I spent a lot of my time playing fantasy as an escape from the present. In my mind, if I could dissociate from the present moment, I was okay. Or so I thought. But I was only looking for safety. Running and hiding from anything which would trigger me into having to deal with reality. If you have a deep sense of fear that you hope will somehow go away, but you focus on being in a fantasy or not dealing with reality and you're continually fighting yourself and struggling, nothing will change. In today's episode, you'll learn how to change your relationship with fear and manifest less of it into your life. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of feeling like you should be doing something else, fixing people, and looking for validation from others. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

In this episode, Angela Foster shares her journey from leaving her corporate job as a lawyer after struggling with post-partum depression after having her kids. She had always loved fitness and decided to dive deeper to get healthier for herself and her kids. Here's what we talked about: -Feeling like a failure when you don't get everything done like you usually do when you're struggling with mental health -Feeling like you're not good enough as a new mom -Interrupting the patterns that enable us to sabotage ourselves -How stimulating your mind can help you -Your health is the fundamental pillar of your wellbeing -Focusing on recovery to become a peak performer -How Angela found spirituality and meditation Here's more about Angela: DNA Edge Founder Angela Foster left the world of Corporate Law to become a Nutritionist, Health, and Performance Coach after overcoming a serious illness. She started her journey by overcoming a PCOS, she then became a mom of 3 kids, her struggle with postnatal depression and double pneumonia simultaneously helped to find her mission "to inspire and educate others to live an energetic, healthful and limitless life." Website: https://angelafosterperformance.com/ Facebook: @AngelaFosterPerformance Instagram: @angelasfoster Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

As humans, we react to change in a variety of ways. Some seek to understand, some ignore, some seek distractions and some just freak out!! For many it is to try to find control again. And for others they look for a solution, they look for a way back to the normal they know. I would be remiss if I did not mention those who just surrender, not give up, but choose to go with the flow if it and see what the change brings their way. This is true in our current world, but it's also true in your relationships. Are you in a constant freak-out mode in your relationship? You use the drama as your focus, even though it is a distraction, so you can avoid your inner feelings, and the apparent lack of control? In today's episode, you'll learn how to stop the cycle of avoidance and tackle your own feelings. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of experiencing anxiety after a breakup, choosing yourself in a relationship, and knowing when you're not attracted vs. when you're scared. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

In our current world of social media, people post anything they want online--and expect no one to challenge them. When someone disagrees with their beliefs, they get defensive, angry. We see this behavior in relationships as well. You defend your feelings, or worse, you change them to match your partner's beliefs. You're terrified of being wrong, of feeling that shame, so you walk on eggshells. Running from the shame forces you to bottle up your feelings and never truly go for what you want. In this episode, you'll learn how to confront your feelings and fears. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of rescuing people, being exhausted of your emotional baggage, and being disappointed because you're not farther along that you're supposed to. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Moving On! Yes, we have moved on from surviving to thriving as an interview style show and have landed here. Join me as we explore what guests have been able to leave behind to get to happier, healthier and more authentic lives! Each episode will include tips, tools and expert information, and today's guest brings it! Colleen McCann, Founder of Style Rituals & Author of Crystal Rx is a fashion stylist turned cultural mystic, who aims to bring clarity, guidance & self-care practices to her clients. Today she shares with me how she unexpectedly found herself going down a path she had never imagined. Her life took such a turn that she literally thought something was wrong with her, only to find that she was being called to a higher calling. Learn how she brought aspects of her old life into her new and some great tools for you to use in helping you to discover your own road to moving on! You can find Colleen at: Website: https://www.stylerituals.com Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/styleritualspage IG: https://www.instagram.com/style_rituals/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/style_rituals?lang=en Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

I received an email from a listener about being a walking reaction. We learned our behaviors as kids: right from wrong, manners, how to show emotions. Because of that, our decision-making is often just the reaction we're programmed to take. We're conditioned to feel a certain way. Most of us really aren’t our real selves and we have no idea who that is, and to want to meet ourselves is something we talk about, but rarely do anything to change. How do we break free of our programming? We have to connect with ourselves on a deeper level, to learn what our own motivations are. You can choose how you feel, but it starts with learning your triggers and why they exist. In this episode, we'll break down how to unlearn the reactions of your past and find your inner motivations. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of taking criticism in a relationship, looking validation from others, and fear of abandonment. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Do you like to get involved in others’ business? From reality TV to the news to your own relationship, it appears you look for drama in all aspects of your life. Let me say, the stress hormones are addictive, but they're also a distraction. Drama is a nothingburger in and of itself, instead, it is coming from a place of avoidance. You use drama to avoid the truth you don’t want to face. You may not be consciously aware, but you’d rather stay irritated at the drama around you, looking for new, external problems overlooking to the inside at your own issues. When you seek drama, you put way more stress on yourself and your relationships. Oh, and yeah, it usually takes two to Tango, but you only have control of one person: YOU... It’s a choice to look deeper into what is really going on so you can change your life of a rollercoaster to one keeping the train on the tracks. You can have a happy, healthy relationship without working so hard to control it. In today’s episode, you’ll learn why you look for drama in your life and how to finally let go of it. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of why we are so invested in other people's happiness, the "I'm alone" belief, and dealing with your inner critic. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

What is it that some people get picked on as children, while others became the bully? As children, we all felt insecurities, but the way those insecurities manifested themselves changed our behavior. A bully feels worthless. To find validation and make themselves feel superior, they bring others down. They choose people they know can be bullied, those with the biggest insecurities. It’s almost as though they can see right inside to that lack of value. They can since they possess their own lack. Bullied victims carry a lot of internalized anger and self-doubt. And unfortunately, as many of you know, bullies don't always go away in adulthood. As an adult, those internalized feelings amplify, and you often feel afraid of being "found out" as an imposter. You can't change a bully, but you can change how you feel about yourself. In today's episode, you'll learn self-acceptance and how to find your true strength. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of knowing the difference between liking someone and a repeating pattern, how to stop making fear-based decisions, and staying positive while having negative feelings. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Putting more energy, into a dysfunctional relationship so you don’t lose it, is not necessarily coming from love. It usually means a lot of fear around loss. One of the bigger fears could be that you’re afraid that all the work and suffering you have put into this relationship could mean it ends; it doesn’t seem fear. And an even greater fear is your partner would then turnaround and marry the next person they are with, you don’t want to be that person. The person who is always left standing empty-handed. It’s like a bad b-movie replaying itself in your love life, “Why me! I always do the right thing—it’s not fair!” But when it comes to being the only one trying so hard to convince someone else that the relationship is worth working on, because you fear the loss, what are you losing right now? You have to find value in yourself. In today's episode, you'll learn how to look within and finally take care of you. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of feeling unworthy, how to challenge negative beliefs, and nagging. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Are you constantly judging yourself? Every decision you make, every word you say is always wrong in your eyes, unless you receive a positive response. This self-judgment keeps you from moving forward in your life, choices may feel like the last thing you can commit to in the long run—so you do what you’ve always done in the short term. Basically, you do the same thing—the proven thing every day and even if it is a new environment, you try to keep things the same. Under control. This shame and self-sabotage stem from your childhood. The heaviness you feel comes from feeling a lot of shame as a kid. If you stay in this cycle of never feeling good enough, and trying so hard to be okay, you'll never be open to the things you really want in life. In today's episode, you'll learn how to break free from this struggle and let go of the shame. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of introducing a new partner to your family, being rescued from your emotional state, and how to date so it’s not painful. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Just like our previous Attachment Issues episode, this episode is all about answering your insecure attachment questions. Whether it's to an ex, your work, or your family, insecure attachment issues can manifest themselves in many ways. They all stem back to a fear you have. You’re afraid of not being good enough, of being found out, of being left alone. When you’re insecurely attached, you’re letting these fears control your life. Now, you might be thinking that you’re working hard to change your behaviors. You’re listening to this podcast after all...but it’s not enough. Don’t just listen to what I have to say today. Use today’s podcast episode to better understand your insecure attachment behaviors and take action in your life. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of letting go of outcomes, communicating with exes, showing interest too quickly when dating. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Are you always stepping in to be the “rescuer” of others? It seems the role you play to be recognized, loved or at least not abandoned. What about with your partner? You wait around for the right moment that you can jump in and be a hero, saving him or her looking like you have enough value to that person that they will be forever indebted. You think that taking care of everyone around you will gain you the validation and attention that you crave. But here’s the problem: That’s a very lonely place to be. If you only look to others for validation, you’ll never feel good enough. You may not even realize that you do this, because you’ve been on autopilot for so long. There are tips to recognizing your “selfless” behavior and changing it. You have to recognize your own worth for others to do the same. If you’re ready for a happy, healthy relationship, it starts from within. In today’s episode, learn how to listen to yourself and finally be your own superhero. Want to submit a question? Click here: bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics looking for validation, self-protective habits from childhood, and staying in reality. Want to submit your question? Click here: http://bit.ly/AskTracyCrossley and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

This episode of the Journey of Attachment is going to be different. I made a post on Facebook in January asking you for all your questions on insecure attachment, and so today's episode is my response to your submissions. When you have insecure attachment issues, you listen and intellectualize. So if you've listened to my podcast before and you've identified yourself with what I talk about, you might have felt better about your issues for some time. But it always passes, right? So you go back to feeling like you need more and more to feed your brain. But feeding your brain without any action is doing nothing. Doing the work is not listening to the podcast over and over again. Doing the work is going deep and taking action. Taking action is scary because of a fear of lack of safety. But to take action that will really change your situation, you have to go right through the fear. This episode is all about insecure attachment, so take the challenge from what I say today and turn it into action in your own life. Want to submit your question for my FB Live? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of anxiety, the perspective of reality and dealing with the inner critic. Want to submit your question? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Many of us do not have any idea we try to control anything outside of us, we are always just trying to feel okay. Do you try to control the people around you? Your goal is to convince them that you’re a certain type of person because you’re afraid they’ll see the real you. The fear of not being okay, because you basically don’t think you are unless someone else does has you stuck trying to control their view of you. You control their behaviors because you’re afraid of the way they’d treat you if you didn’t. You don’t feel good enough, or loveable enough, so you’re stuck in the same cycle of unhappiness. You’re afraid to look inward at yourself, so you focus on anything else that you can control. Sound like another aspect of Impostor Syndrome? Yes, this is the aspect of how you cannot handle the end result if someone doesn’t see you how you need to be seen. To stop this cycle of fear, you have to change why you have the messages you’re sending. In today’s episode, you’ll learn how to let go of that need for control and find validation in yourself. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 Want to submit your question for Tracy's FB Live? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Earlier this month, I asked you on Facebook if you would be interested in me sharing what a coaching session with me is like. From the feedback that I got, I decided to do this one-time-only episode of live coaching. As you’ll hear, the person I’m coaching is someone that I work with already, so this is the perfect example of what actual coaching is and what my relationship with my clients is. We go back and forth on how life is developing in our daily life because that’s how we can make a change. We have to focus on everyday situations so we can switch how we react and how we perceive in real-time. If you liked this episode and would like me to share more coaching session examples, let me know. Write me an email to [email protected]. If you're interested in working with me, email [email protected]. Want to submit your question for Tracy's FB Live? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Did you grow up with a narcissistic mom? Her behavior may have been unpredictable, and you never knew what was going to set her off. She might have been manipulative, always looking for your validation and sympathy. Whether she was a malignant narcissist or a covert narcissist, her actions shaped your current behavior and your relationship insecurity. Her criticism and inconsistency made you afraid of emotional intimacy. In many ways, she created your first codependent relationship. The good news is that, even though your mom instilled these behaviors in you from a young age, you can still change this cycle of insecure attachment. Listen to today’s episode to learn how your mom’s narcissism affects your current relationships and how you can finally end the fear and insecurity you feel. Want to submit your question for Tracy's FB Live? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of making yourself suffer, fear, and being emotionally vulnerable. Want to submit your question? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

The hard truth about insecure attachment is that it doesn’t just affect your personal relationships. It affects every part of your life, including your career. Whether you’re struggling with boundaries at work or micromanaging your coworkers to feel validation, all your behaviors stem from fear. You’re afraid that your colleagues will see you as a failure, or they will criticize you. I’ve been in your shoes, and I let my insecurity affect my work life for a long time. Despite being promoted, managing others, I was a huge people-pleaser and perfectionist, despite winning sales awards, I never felt fulfilled. I would swing from one management extreme to the next, micromanaging and then letting them fend for themselves. I held so many negative feelings toward my work, as I was truly disconnected from ut, but I stayed there because I was afraid. This insecure attachment is costing you opportunities, money, and happiness. If you’re ready to make a change and start taking action in your work, listen to today’s episode. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 Want to submit your question for Tracy's FB Live? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of dream interpretation, feeling responsible for others, and setting boundaries with friends. Want to submit your question for Tracy's FB Live? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Do you know what impostor syndrome is? Perhaps you’re familiar with it in your professional life, it means the fear of being found out for being fake or phony. The you which you present isn’t really who you are or you feel others will not think it is who you are. For me, I always waited for people to find out I was a bad person, even though nothing about me is…it’s what I dreaded, personally and professionally. So, for those of you who have that feeling, guess what? It’s related to insecure attachment. Whether it’s in your career or your relationships, you never feel deserving of the love or praise you’re given and you worry about FIFO (Fear I’m Found Out). Despite working harder than anyone else to prove you’re worthy, it’s never enough. You’re a perfectionist, but nothing you do or say ever feels “perfect.” These feelings, like insecure attachment, stem back to the conditioning you received as a child. The good news is that impostor syndrome is a story you keep telling, a facade you can take down. In this episode, you’ll learn how to put down the mask, tackle your feelings, and finally be okay with being you in or out of a relationship. Want to submit your question for Tracy's FB Live? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of feeling like everything is against you, hidden anger and people pulling away. Want to submit your question for Tracy's FB Live? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Are you stuck in an anxious-avoidant loop? No matter how much you “think” you want a relationship, you find excuses not to date or in a relationship, you look for problems with your partner. Oh wait! There’s more. You may find yourself dating, which you do trepidatiously, and voila there’s chemistry. You feel the pangs of anxiety and know you’ll be hooked by dinnertime. Whether you are the pursuer or the runner, each position for the anxious avoidant is all about emotional distance, even if on the outside it looks like you’re physically there. Fear has been there for years, but you might think it is normal—the way you’ve always felt. Trying to grasp control, you are used to strategies, so you do not become engulfed or stuck or available. Sometimes you believe it is really the other person, but the truth is you are the common denominator in your love life. And its good news! Because you can do something about it! This loop of avoidant behavior stems from your subconscious belief system. To make a change, you need the courage to challenge your fears. In today’s podcast episode, you’ll learn how you can shift your belief system and take emotional risks. Want to submit your question for Tracy's FB Live? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of apologies, breakups, and feeling empty. Want to submit your question for Tracy's FB Live? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with Mid-Life Coach, Jonathon Aslay. Listen in as he takes us on his journey after he lost his 19-year-old son in 2018. His grief led him on a soul-searching inner journey, where he became aware of an often-overlooked dimension of the dating conversation. Today, he is on a mission of encouraging both men and women to fully love themselves with a new book, "What The Heck Is Self-Love Anyway?." Learn more about Jonathon Aslay at http://www.jonathonaslay.com/ Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617 Want to submit your question for Tracy's FB Live? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Are you always reading into what your significant other is doing--or not doing? Every ignored text, every forwarded call becomes a sign of the way they feel about you. When you take every action personally, you are giving them authority over your emotional state. To fight this helpless feeling, you may have turned to the silent treatment. Whether you’re ignoring them as a punishment or a way to make them miss you, it’s giving you a false sense of control. The key to a healthy relationship is not to ignore them, but to communicate openly about your feelings. You have to stop focusing on what you think is about you and focus on what you can control--your own actions. In today’s episode, learn how to stop personalizing others and take control of your emotions. Want to submit your question for Tracy's FB Live? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your past questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of shame, attachment forming in childhood, and control of other people. Want to submit your question? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Almost half of my clients come to me engaged in two intimate relationships, and they are in pain. Shame and attachment for the person who feels stuck inside of each relationship means a roller coaster of emotions: guilt, anxiety, intimacy, freedom. This podcast is not about the person who is on the receiving end of their partner being unfaithful, it is for those who are drowning in their situation. For most people, the original intent when entering one relationship is not to find someone else to bring into the commitment, but it happens. It then becomes about blame, making someone into the bad guy (whether it is the faithful/faithless) and when I work with people it is about getting them dislodged from two relationships and into one with themselves. The people who show up on my doorstep do not have a long-suffering mate, they have a stalemate. Meaning they are in a position to be there not out of love but out of some duty they feel is difficult to unwind. As we all know looking for your happiness in someone else isn’t a permanent solution, usually, it is a catalyst to break wide open the dysfunction that is going on in the primary relationship. It is a time to then really get your own motivation, the situation created which means to either grow into being emotionally mature or stay stuck in emotional adolescence. You are the one who is making your choices, no one else is to blame or to be held responsible and that can be a gamechanger when you own it openly. If you’re ready to end the pain of being attached in two relationships, the key is confronting your attachment issues and unlocking your authentic self, rather than staying in this cycle of hell. Learn what it takes to make a major change in today’s episode. If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley Sick of being insecurely attached? Click here to get my free meditative insecure attachment release: https://tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of connection, having different sexual needs in a relationship, and distinguishing between being selfish and being true to you. Want to submit your question? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Are you living with secrets? Maybe you're hiding your shopping receipts from your husband, or maybe you're leaving out parts of your stories because you fear the repercussions. In some cases, you might not even be aware that you're withholding information from your significant other. All these secrets stem from one ultimate truth: you're afraid of change. You can't be 100% committed to someone if you're still hiding parts of your life. Keeping secrets may save you from ever having to change, but it also keeps you from experiencing a happy, healthy relationship. If you're ready to be courageous and leave secrets behind, listen to today's podcast episode.

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of marriage, setting boundaries with your children, being honest with friends and fears. Want to submit your question? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Do you spend a lot of time wishing your relationships were different? Maybe you’ve been holding back your real feelings because you’re afraid of how your partner will react. Or maybe you don’t think you have the time to date, especially when it seems like there aren’t any good men or women left. The truth is, these are all just excuses. Without even realizing it, you could be holding onto your victimhood out of fear, placing all of the blame onto other people. If you’re ready to have a happy, healthy relationship and to finally let go of the pain you’ve been holding onto, the first step in looking inside. Nothing will ever change until you’re ready to surrender to your fear. In today’s podcast episode, you’ll learn how to stop the avoidance, let go of the excuses, and go after the life you want. Want to submit your question? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: https://www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of guilt, hot and cold relationships, and healing. Want to submit your question? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Codependency can feel like an addiction. You surrender your own feelings to make another person happy, using them as a way to fulfill needs you should be fulfilling yourself. Maybe you can't even remember a time when a relationship didn’t feel like work. You're always sacrificing your own happiness to make someone else happy. But how did you get to this place? How does someone become codependent? Unfortunately, codependency is often a seed planted in childhood. It grows alongside you as you develop your identity and the way you communicate. In today’s podcast, learn how the relationships you observed as a child influenced your adult relationships, and learn how you can use this knowledge to break free of your codependent behavior. If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: http://bit.ly/2ExXCLJ

In this special series Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of when insecurities are triggered, asking for help and family relationships. Want to submit your question? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: https://www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Are you still stuck on a relationship that ended months, maybe even years ago? You’re still carrying this longing inside of you, always wondering what life would have been like if they had stayed. A part of you is still waiting for them to come back, to give you some kind of closure for the sacrifices you made. Looking back on your memories, you think you still love them. It may feel like love, but what you’re really feeling is attachment. To move past the emotional triggers that are still keeping you attached to your previous partner, you have to start by taking responsibility for your own emotions. Once you find your agency, you can empower yourself to make a change. In today’s podcast episode, learn 4 tips to let go of the pain of your past relationship and finally put it behind you. If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: http://bit.ly/2ExXCLJ

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of shifting your dating focus, negative feelings and being authentic. Want to submit your question? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST. If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Do you never feel good enough for the people around you? You’re probably creating unreachable expectations for yourself. You can’t recognize your own value, so you become obsessed with getting validation from other people. Without even realizing it, you could be overcompensating for your self-doubts by pouring all of your energy into making other people happy. These behaviors stem from fear and attachment. You’re overextending yourself because you’re afraid to disappoint the ones you love. You’re manipulating your behaviors to fulfill an image you only think your partner wants. If you’re tired of feeling frustrated and upset, it’s time to discover your value. On today’s podcast, learn 3 tips to overcome your fears, recognize your attachment behaviors, and finally break the cycle of self-pity. If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: http://bit.ly/2ExXCLJ

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of triggers, commitment issues, and manipulation. Want to submit your question? Click here: bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: https://www.patreon.com/tracycrossley

Healthy relationships are not built on fantasy, they are also not built on the hard work of trying to get your partner to change. You’re attached to a fantasy version of your partner, but you need to stop waiting for their behavior to change. The only thing that can change in this situation is you. You have the power to break out of this prison of attachment. In the meantime, look at what you say yes to while you wait (hope) for things to change. Perhaps, the person you’re dating cancels plans consistently, offering a laundry list of half-hearted excuses. Maybe they disappear for days or even weeks at a time, giving you nothing but radio silence. You start thinking that you did something wrong. Are you not good enough? You say things to them to get them to own up or change, but nothing does change. You have a fantasy—can’t they see it too? In this episode, you’ll learn how to see and accept your reality and change, so that someday you will not settle for less than you deserve. If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: bit.ly/2ExXCLJ

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of spouse behaviors and challenges at work. Want to submit your question? Click here: http://bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards! http://bit.ly/2ExXCLJ

Codependency is a painful place to be, and it can manifest itself in many ways. Do you crave validation from your partner? Are you always placing their needs above your own? In many cases, you probably feel wracked with guilt at the thought of doing something without them. You might even try to earn your right to a night out with affection and housework. These codependent situations are not a healthy way to build a relationship, and they’re not sustainable. If one person feels like they’re sacrificing so much, they become resentful. The truth is, neither of you should be making those kinds of sacrifices. The good news, however, is that this is a great opportunity for you! If you feel like all of the blame is on your partner, think again. Now is the perfect opportunity for self-growth and to change your relationship mindset. In today’s episode, you’ll learn how to step out of a codependent relationship and into a happy, healthier relationship with yourself. If you would like to support the podcast, make sure you check out my Patreon page to see how you can do it. Plus, you get all kinds of cool rewards: bit.ly/2ExXCLJ

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics feeling like you don't have enough, fears and valuing yourself. Want to submit your question? Submit it here http://bit.ly/2sQ4sJT and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I have a second conversation with Guy Finley, bestselling author of more than 45 books and founder of Life of Learning Foundation, a nonprofit Center for Spiritual Discovery. Listen in as we talk about being stuck, triggers and reincarnation. Learn more about Guy Finely at www.GuyFinley.org.

Does this sound like you? After a series of boring dates and incompatible partners, you’re still single. It’s not you; you just haven’t found the right person yet. Maybe you even have a list of traits your perfect match will have when you finally meet them. Each time you go out with someone new, you wait for that wow factor, the spark, but it never comes. If you’re starting to think you’ll never find your soulmate, I have a secret to share with you: You might be the problem. You’re stuck in a cycle of toxic relationships because you’re scared to find the one. Without realizing it, you’re shutting yourself off to a healthy relationship because you don’t see your true value. You can stay stuck in your cycle of bad dates, or you can open yourself up to the possibility of love, but you have to decide that it’s time for a change. Are you ready? On today’s podcast, you will learn useful tips to recognize your behaviors and finally approach dating with an open heart.

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of apologies, dealing with an avoidant, emptiness and what it means to be emotionally available. Want to submit your question? Watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST. You can submit your questions here: http://bit.ly/2sQ4sJT

You cannot cobble together enough breadcrumbs to create a satisfying meal, and yet many people accept breadcrumbs when it comes to relationships. When you meet someone and there is chemistry, you can get hooked pretty quickly. You may become attached to the idea of what it could be—a loving, fulfilling relationship. Then perhaps they stop contacting you and you are a ball of anxiety, wondering what you did wrong. Once you have accepted they are gone, WHAM, they come back. They have fed you enough breadcrumbs that you believe they are returning to give you the whole loaf. But of course, they don’t… so the cycle repeats. This can go on for years, waiting for them to change their behavior because you are attached to the idea of what the relationship COULD be. When you’re in this scarcity-driven relationship, you work hard to collect crumbs of attention, validation, and acceptance without even realizing it. You’ve been doing it for so long it feels normal, but it is not the path to a healthy relationship. The secret to getting out of breadcrumb relationships is believing you deserve the whole loaf, which comes from valuing yourself. If you believe you are worthy of love, crumbs will be completely unappealing and you will reject them. You will leave the land of scarcity and entire loaves will start showing up.

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of manipulation, fatal flaws and self-respect. Want to submit your question? Email [email protected] and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9am PST.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with Alton Pete, U.S. Army Veteran and Author. Listen in as he takes us on his journey through the military and loss of his mother and sister to now where he sheds light on PTSD and Depression as well as just completed his first book "Life is so Precious." Learn more about Alton Pete at altonpete.com

Men and women are wired for intimacy at birth, but some are conditioned to reject it. If you are insecurely attached, you probably didn’t experience a lot of true intimacy as a child so you learned to see the world as an emotionally unsafe place. You may have learned that love is not easily shown or given; that it’s conditional upon behavior; that it’s inconsistent. As a result, intimacy as an adult has the same limitations—regardless of gender. Fear of engulfment or abandonment wreak havoc on intimacy to create distance, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Intimacy is built by stepping toward those fears, not away from them. Some people believe being emotionally distant is just how they are. False. We are ALL wired for connection, and distancing yourself from another person is a choice. Until you open yourself up to intimacy, you’ll never fully align or bond with your partner. And no, intimacy does not just happen in the bedroom. It doesn’t appear in certain moments and then vanishes. It comes and stays. If you currently lack intimacy in your relationships and believe it’s the other person who can’t get close… look at what YOU are doing to block it. Again, intimacy isn’t a gender issue or the responsibility of one person. It’s a choice you get to make, and the act of doing it is what actually creates it.

In this special series, Tracy will be answering your questions around emotional baggage. This week she dives into the hot topics of boundaries, triggers, and people-pleasing. Want to submit your question? Email [email protected] and watch live on Facebook every Thursday at 9 am PST.

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic used to make you question your reality, but when you’re insecurely attached, you may not trust your own reality to begin with. You look externally for validation because you believe other people know how you should feel more than yourself. If your partner says you’re horrible at budgeting, you may feel a deep sense of shame, even if you’ve always felt you did just fine in the budgeting department. After a string of negative comments, you question your budgeting skills and wonder if he/she is right. You also wonder if you’re being gaslighted. Everyone has their own point of view, however, so who’s to say their version of reality is more accurate than yours? When you question your own choices, you can become anxious and wonder if there is something wrong with you. To trust yourself you have to connect on a deeper level and stop guessing what other people think is right. It’s about stepping out of your comfort zone and dispelling the belief that others know how you feel or what’s best for you. What you feel is real, regardless of what others think. You are the only one who truly knows yourself.

Depression sometimes results from pleasing others at the expense of yourself; by trying to be someone else in order to make others happy; by defining yourself through your actions for others. As a kid, if you felt you were unlovable or unacceptable in some way, you hid those unsavory parts about yourself and doubled-down on the parts that received validation. All that time spent seeking approval from others and trying to make them happy probably led to years of hiding and self-loathing. But you were good at hiding the self-loathing too, putting on a happy face so you wouldn’t be found out. Refusing to be who someone else wants and choosing to be fully yourself is HARD because you have to love and accept all those disowned parts of yourself. The truth of who you are matters… even if no one else agrees. Let’s say you go on a single date with someone who you’ve decided you really like and then tells you they want a partner of the same religion—no compromise and you’re not that religion. Already thinking about how you might have to sacrifice your own belief on the first date, would keep you from the truth of the situation. What is actually happening here with a complete stranger? Fear of loss and being alone is probably what holds you back, but taking off the clown make-up and letting the real you show up everywhere in your life is the greatest gift you can give yourself.

Are you afraid of expressing your true feelings because you might upset someone? Or do you think they will shut you down because they can’t handle the truth? If you were yelled at as a kid for doing something wrong, then shared how it made you feel and were told your feelings don’t matter, you learned to shove your feelings down. As an adult, this might manifest as trying to keep the peace so everything appears ok on the outside while suffering on the inside. Holding your emotions in or denying them, however, leads to all sorts of emotional and physical (yes, physical!) issues. It also allows somebody else to control your emotional state. Nobody enjoys hearing criticism or blame, but it’s actually not about that. It’s possible to express your feelings without doing either when you focus on how their actions impact you. You can simply share what is true for you (i.e. your feelings were hurt) without judging them, asking them to change or doing something differently. But first, you need to get clear on what your feelings are and not berate yourself for them. Then express them from a place of ownership and self-responsibility. Again, it’s not about making the other person feel bad or trying to change their behavior. You can’t do that anyway. It’s about breaking the pattern of shoving your feelings down so you can stop distancing and start creating space for intimacy.

What do you do to block pleasure? Do you create obstacles for yourself to jump over in order to earn pleasure and happiness? Do you look joy in the face and say, “What did I do to deserve this? This must be a mistake!” If you are more comfortable with pain than pleasure, you’re not alone. Even if you WANT happiness and even visualize what it may look like, you probably fear it. Even during those fleeting moments of pleasure, there is a good chance you are waiting for the other shoe to drop, which means you never truly enjoy it. When you view life through the lens of work/reward, you believe you have to endure pain to get to pleasure. Pleasure comes from allowing it; not when you have “earned” it or when the work is done, but every day. And you have the power to let it in. But allowing is uncomfortable when pain is what you’re used to. Deciding to enjoy an experience instead of trying to protect yourself from disappointment or figure out why it’s happening is a choice, and it involves breaking old patterns. Personal development work is hard, but it doesn’t mean you need to renounce joy. Every moment is an opportunity for joy, happiness, gratitude and pleasure. So go ahead… commit to daily pleasure. Be emotionally present and enjoy the good without any strings attached. Choose to smile, laugh and celebrate simply because you can.

People who are beyond anxious and can also be characterized as ambivalent, avoidant, disordered, etc., may have been raised by a narcissist. These are people-pleasing perfectionists who lack self-trust and tend to hide out because of guilt, shame or fear. They don’t feel connected to their achievements even if they work incredibly hard, and are definitely insecurely attached when it comes to relationships. They may feel defective and worthless even though they wear a mask that projects confidence and value. So how does all of this relate to a narcissistic parent, and what can be done about it? You learn how to handle (or NOT handle) feelings from your parents, including the giving and receiving of love. If your perception of yourself as a child was invalidated, you may be riddled with self-doubt as an adult. Perfectionism is about avoiding criticism, which you probably endured from a narcissistic parent. Maybe you felt weird, different or unlovable. As an adult, the inner critic keeps all of this alive and well. However, being raised by a narcissist doesn’t mean you are doomed to a life of pain and insignificance. While your upbringing has a huge impact on who you are, you still have a choice in how you want to live. You can experience joy if you are determined to get to let go of the toxicity you were raised in and arrive at a better place.

Everything you think about someone online is an assumption. Most people know this, and yet we use social media as a way of finding information to confirm our beliefs. You may look for people who fit into your worldview, whether it’s about raising kids, relationships, religion, social mores, etc. And when you encounter those who don’t share your view, there may be a tendency to react and get defensive. Of course, you’ve seen behavior online that you would deem unacceptable, like belittling others, name-calling or acting holier than thou. Or maybe you have felt emboldened to say something on social media that you would never say in real life. How consistent is your online life with your offline one? Social media reflects how strong our beliefs are. Maybe you compensate for your belief that you’re an outcast by sharing a group photo. Or you may post a photo of yourself at some swanky party if you believe you will never be successful. But how does that feel afterward? And how does it feel when you judge someone else’s posts harshly? Social media is a great tool for triggering those emotions and digging into them. But think what would happen if we all stopped being chameleons and conducted ourselves the same way online as we do offline.

How much time do you spend analyzing the behavior of yourself and others to understand or figure things out? What about analyzing your feelings? Do you try to deconstruct why you’re feeling a certain way, or focus on how you SHOULD feel instead? Analysis keeps you in the same pattern of thinking, and thinking solves nothing on an emotional level. The only way to get emotional clarity is by actually feeling. A common example is trying to figure out if you are in love with someone or attached to them. You start thinking about this person and the story you’ve created, so you’re not actually uncovering your true feelings about them. Instead, you have to go into your body and locate the physical feelings without analyzing or judging them. When you picture yourself with this person, do you feel connected to them, or do fear and anxiety erupt? Thinking about your feelings is safe, but when you analyze and ruminate, nothing changes. Connecting with your feelings allows you to piece together the parts of yourself you have disowned, and you’ll arrive at a much truer answer than if you try to think your way through it.

It’s easy to get stuck in your story, believing nothing will ever change. Maybe you curse the universe for working against you, saying nothing ever goes your way, but it’s not anything external that keeps your life on repeat. It’s you. More specifically, it’s how you perceive life and interpret experiences. If you believe you’re doomed, that’s what you will help create. It’s safe and easy to draw on past experiences and use those as signposts for what’s ahead, but that leaves little room for anything new. If the story you tell yourself is you always sabotage relationships, you better believe that’s what you’ll keep doing because your perception creates your reality. Let’s say you were insecure about your skills in bed from a past relationship. Now in your current relationship, your partner is often tired. But instead of acknowledging the reasons (health problems, late nights working), you start to think there is something wrong with you. Those insecure feelings from the past resurface and you start to distance yourself. Your partner picks up on it and senses your lack of confidence, so you think this confirms the truth (you’re not good in bed), but what you don’t see is that you have actually created it. It’s hard to change your perception and break those patterns, but if you can separate yourself from your story and surrender to the unknown, you can create a new reality.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with Anthony Trucks, former NFL player turned serial entrepreneur. Listen in as he takes us on his journey through foster care to the NFL to now where he is a master of navigating the identity shifts that life puts us through on the path to reaching our full potential. Learn more about Anthony at www.TrucksTeam.com.

I hear people say they want to change all the time—whether it’s getting divorced, changing jobs, finding a partner or improving a parental relationship. They say they are willing to do what it takes, and even connect with their feelings, but the needle doesn’t move. Frustrated, they go into victim mode by getting defensive (but I’m doing everything I can!) or blaming others (my therapist is useless). The problem is, these people are only scratching the surface. To make significant changes, you have to address your subconscious patterns and beliefs that live deep inside, tangled up like barbed wire. Many people are resistant to this deeper work because it’s painful, but their unwillingness creates the barrier to change. The more you dig your heels in and insist you’re doing everything you can, the more you’ll remain stuck in the same old thought process where you prove to yourself over and over this is as good as it gets. Until you’re willing to “go there,” you’ll keep battling yourself. Part of you wants to remain a victim and hold tight to the story that you’ve tried everything because it’s safe and familiar. Look at where you are unwilling to confront your real feelings. Not your reactions and surface emotions, but your underlying fears and beliefs. When you stop lying to yourself and realize your unwillingness is keeping you stuck, you can open yourself up and choose differently.

It’s easy to label someone as toxic, obnoxious, boring, etc. in order to dismiss them. Sometimes it even happens without knowing much about the person. Why do you do it? What is happening inside when you are quick to write someone off or decide they are no good? Perhaps you feel threatened in some way, like part of you believes they are better than you. Judging them can provide a sense of superiority or self-righteousness. But who’s to say you’re doing things right and they’re doing things wrong? This happens a lot on social media where someone proclaims they are dumping the toxic people in their lives or getting rid of negativity without looking in the mirror to ask what they are doing to attract it. Once again it is NOT about other people. Toxicity is a judgment we use to keep from looking at our own behavior. Labeling others is an excuse to engage in bad behavior, and it doesn’t make you superior. When you catch yourself labeling others, ask how it serves you. What benefit do you get from it? Needing to feel better than someone else usually covers up an insecurity, so your time and energy would be better spent digging into what that is instead of focusing on others.

How often do you find yourself in a situation where you just cannot take being there another minute longer? The appeal of running away, distracting and hiding when anxiety or discomfort surfaces is huge. Our society even teaches us how to dispose of things: cut bait, kick someone to the curb, cut your losses, etc. Those tactics may provide immediate relief, but it doesn’t help you grow. You may not even realize you do it, because you’ve been doing it for so long, it’s just what you do. Let’s say you’re on a date and don’t feel attracted to the other person. In fact, you have this overwhelming urgency to leave but you don’t know why. You picture yourself at home and cozy in front of the TV, so your mind tries to quickly plot an escape. Sure escaping is easy (and the voice in your head sure is persistent!), but what if you became curious about why you want to run and explored that for a minute? Don’t you want to know what is happening inside of you that creates this feeling? What you are trying to avoid is exactly what you need to stay with in order to grow. Stop running and sit still for 90 seconds to actually BE with your feelings. What fear is being triggered? What negative belief is running the show? Breathe into it. These situations where you want to bolt are not about the other person—they are about you, so use them as opportunities to learn about yourself. When you make a conscious choice not to run, you can change your life because it means you have the courage to sit with the discomfort and break old patterns. You are accepting and allowing and learning, which is where real growth comes from.

How do you usually wake up feeling? Are you excited about the day ahead, or do you worry about what could go wrong? Maybe you awake in a panic. You don’t know why, so you start racking your brain for what you may have forgotten. Or maybe you simply have an anxious feeling you can’t shake, so it ruins your day. However it manifests, it’s horrible and you want it to stop. Maybe you even try to drown out the negative feelings by focusing on positive affirmations, but that does nothing to quell your anxiety. Because negative emotions are difficult to accept without understanding where they come from, you create a story (or search for a story) about what they mean. It’s very possible, however, that your feelings are not tied to anything specific. If they ARE related to something, sooner or later that will present itself so stop trying to figure it out. Moving out of an anxious state requires surrender and allowing the feelings to be what they are. When you wake up each morning, do a body scan and focus on what you’re feeling. If you’re anxious, allow the anxiety without labeling it or looking for a story. When you acknowledge your feelings as simply that… feelings… they will dissipate so you don’t carry them throughout the day.

How often do you try to avoid someone being mad at you? Do you attempt to do things perfectly for fear of being blamed, then berate yourself when you fall short? Let’s say you usually do the ironing at home. One day your partner goes to grab a shirt before a big meeting. There are a few wrinkles—nothing major—but he/she is clearly upset. You feel horrible. Your partner doesn’t say it’s your fault, but they are clearly annoyed, so you feel this wash of shame and your “I’m not good enough” belief surfaces. But what if his/her reaction has nothing to do with you? Perhaps they were triggered, but instead of sharing what was going on, they snapped back in anger. You can’t control how other people feel, so walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting someone doesn’t work (nor is it a fun place to live). If you do anger someone, be compassionate toward yourself and allow the feelings of shame to surface. When you feel them, they will disappear much quicker. Not taking on the responsibility of other people’s feelings isn’t narcissistic—it’s self-care. If they aren’t taking care of their own well-being, you can’t do it for them, so let go of your perceived control. It doesn’t work.

Do you believe you are a trustworthy person when it comes to love and relationships, yet have trouble trusting your partner (or potential partner)? Maybe you are afraid they will cheat so you use that as an excuse not to commit. When your behavior is in reaction to someone else (i.e. I’m not going to commit because I suspect he/she is cheating), there are definitely trust issues, but it’s actually not about the other person. It’s YOU that you don’t trust. When you don’t trust yourself, you end up with a ping pong match in your head because you can’t make a decision. Then, when you eventually do make a choice, you second-guess it. Trust isn’t about what is comfortable or familiar, it’s about truth. It is definitely not the story in our head! If you are always in a state of truth with yourself and the world, you will feel more confident in your decisions. Become aware of your actions, particularly inconsistencies between what you say and what you do. If you say you want a healthy relationship, yet you stay in a non-committed relationship with someone you don’t trust, your words and actions don’t match. It’s much easier to slap the untrustworthy label on someone else, pointing out their inconsistencies, but until you acknowledge your own behavior and lack of trust in yourself, you won’t fully trust others.

You’re picky about who you date, looking for Mr. or Ms. Perfect (i.e. someone who won’t hurt or disappoint you). Then you find someone who likes you. There is mutual chemistry, and yet, they seem hesitant. You know what it was like at the beginning (which could have been last week), but now it feels as though they are slip sliding away. Perhaps it triggers in you the feeling of neediness. You cling to them by people pleasing, while accepting breadcrumbs of attention in return. You do this because it is probably what you were taught as a kid—to focus on making others happy in order to get the love you want. But does that actually work? Contrary to what you may believe, relationships do NOT have to be painful. In fact, those hot and cold feelings around whether to stay or go, wondering what he/she wants or how you can make him/her act as you want are signs of attachment, not love. Even more clear are those who are avoidant. The overwhelming feeling of responsibility someone who is avoidant can feel makes them just as anxious as the addict, but to get away to some safe space. A lot of fears may keep you addicted: your partner moving on while you end up alone, him/her being the best you’ll ever find (scarcity), choosing the wrong partner again, feeling unlovable or undeserving and so on. Perhaps you’re in this relationship because you want to be rescued, but are afraid of admitting that to yourself. It’s ok, admit it. Only then can you empower yourself to change things. Emotionally available people don’t waste their time and energy trying to get close to a polar bear. And polar bears are not looking for love except from a perfect source that does not trigger than into anxiety looking for the nearest iceberg. Seeing yourself clearly, being consistent with your words and actions and becoming your own best friend will release you from this “love-addicted” hell.

If “what if’s” rule your world because you’re always afraid of making the wrong choice, you live your life with one foot in and one foot out. In other words, your lack of commitment keeps you stuck, convinced life is working against you. You will actually look for evidence to support your non-decision, then complain the Universe doesn’t have your back (but it doesn’t have your back because you haven’t put a stake in the ground). This plays out in all areas of life: dating but never committing to a relationship, calling your business a “hobby,” signing up for online classes you never finish, bouncing between different diets, etc., etc., etc. When you don’t trust yourself to make a choice and stick with it, you avoid making one at all, telling yourself and others you want to “keep your options open.” You believe hedging like this will save you from pain, frustration, disappointment or failure, but it doesn’t. What you end up doing is robbing yourself of the sweetness of life. Instead of being in the moment, you are worried about everything you might be missing out on. Instead of waiting until you’re 100% sure of your choice (which won’t happen), look for what you are afraid of. And if your fear is directed at someone or something outside of you, shift the focus back to you. When you look at how your actions support a life in limbo, you can start taking new ones that lead to contentment and fulfillment.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with Neeta Bhushan, an Emotional Health Educator and Executive Performance Coach to global leaders and CEOs as well as thousands of women from all walks of life. Listen in as she takes us through her journey through multiple losses and a toxic relationship to now where she has written two Amazon best-sellers Emotional GRIT and The Book of Coaching spoke at Women Economic Forum founded SchoolOfGrit.tv and had a lot of fun and laughter in the process. Learn more about Neeta at http://neetabhushan.com.

Have you ever met someone where the chemistry was incredible, but it led you to act like a complete lunatic? Maybe this person canceled dinner plans, triggering you to do things that made you cringe WHILE doing them. But you couldn’t stop it from happening. You barely recognize yourself because you’re usually pretty even-keeled. When triggered into this crazy mode, some people throw objects or scream in public or send a million text messages or stalk someone on social media or sleep with their ex. You feel shame for your actions, desperately wanting your equilibrium back, but this person you are attached to—the one who triggers your crazy—has you strung up. You feel powerless. So what causes “normal,” rational people to spin totally out of control? Often it’s a combination of scarcity and fear of abandonment. You’re afraid love can only come from this person who you have wildly intense feelings for, reminding you of how hard you worked for love as a kid. And you’re afraid that if you don’t hold on for dear life, you’ll lose them. It doesn’t really matter what your brand of crazy is. What matters is why you do it; what your motivation is. And the best way to uncover it is to let your crazy run free. Beating it back just submerges it. When you give yourself permission to go bat shit crazy, you start to accept all of yourself, which brings you to wholeness. So go ahead, unleash the beast!

A lot of people think happiness is like an amusement park ride with intense highs that must be chased. But happiness is subtler than that, and what you THINK leads to happiness may actually result in the opposite. Many anti-happiness behaviors become patterns without you realizing it, and they can end up ruling your life. By recognizing and then stopping them, you actually challenge yourself to become who you truly are, which is critical to true, sustained happiness. In this podcast I address more than 20 behaviors that lead to UNhappiness including rescuing, looking for problems, assuming, control and many more. They are all designed by your subconscious to keep you safe because it’s what you learned many years ago. Most of the things you do are strategies from when you were young before you had the ability to even know why you have chosen to do and say the things you do. It makes change and vulnerability look scary. Letting go of these patterns takes time, so be patient with yourself. The first step is recognizing them, which is what this list will help you do. When you catch yourself engaging in them, stop. Ask yourself what you are afraid of or what you’re trying to avoid. When you question your motive and do the opposite of what you usually do, your life will start to change and happiness won’t feel so elusive.

Most people have narcissistic tendencies, it is part of what keeps human beings alive. Without it, no one would be here. The problem with slapping that label on your partner is that it may prevent you from seeing and acknowledging your own stuff. No one is in a position to judge others, and doing so is often a reflection of how you see yourself because other people are mirrors for your own behavior. If you want to solve the “narcissistic” issue and feel a sense of well-being, instead of disempowerment, you have to take responsibility for the red flags you ignored. Even if you ARE in a relationship with a narcissist, you have to ask yourself why you’re there. Labeling others is just another form of blame, and it is used to avoid taking responsibility for your actions. When you look for sympathy for your situation from the person you’re with instead of owning your role in being there, it keeps you stuck in victimhood. Love cannot be earned through blame or manipulation. Instead of wanting sympathy and to be reassured you’re the good one, take your power back by acknowledging you have a choice in who you are with. No one forced you to be in this relationship. The deeper questions you want to ask yourself are why are you there? What validation are you looking for? The goal isn’t to change the “narcissist” because of course, you have no control over them. Instead, focus on yourself so you can move from victim to empowered.

Do people ever do things that annoy you, but you keep it to yourself because you know they won’t change their behavior? Or have you broken up with someone out of anger and regretted it later? Maybe you want to express your regret, but figure your ex has probably moved on… so what’s the point? It all seems like a waste of effort. The thing is, sharing your feelings has nothing to do with changing the other person. It’s about changing you. Speaking your truth sends a message to yourself and others that your feelings matter; that YOU matter. This is particularly important if you spent your childhood disowning your feelings, believing they had no value. It’s not about getting someone else to change—you have no control over that. It’s about honoring what exists inside you and being vulnerable enough to share it. Each time you express your feelings without any expectation attached to it, you grow your love for yourself. And when you do that, you’re able to love more openly and unconditionally with others. Stop talking yourself out of expressing yourself. It matters.

You’re in a dysfunctional relationship that isn’t making you happy. Your partner doesn’t treat you the way you want, so you’re always complaining and thinking about leaving. But you fear being alone; maybe your lifestyle would drastically change if you were to split. You keep waiting for things to change, and maybe he/she even reacts to something differently than you expect, giving you hope the tide is turning. It doesn’t. Your friends and family encourage you to leave, saying you deserve better, so you berate yourself for staying. This constant struggle between staying and leaving is exhausting, and it distracts you from dealing with the one thing you have control over: YOU. What if you changed the game, stopped listening to everyone else and gave yourself permission to stay? What if you welcomed this relationship with open arms and used it as an opportunity to grow yourself? When you accept where you are instead of spending all your time and energy wishing things were different, you can start dealing with your fears. Making a conscious choice is empowering, moving you away from victimhood, so you can work on yourself and gain some clarity about what you actually want.

Self-awareness is great—essential even—but what do you do with it? Maybe you notice your patterns and recognize when you go into victim mode, but you can’t stop. It’s like watching a movie you’ve seen 100 times. You know how things will end, even though you’re desperate to change it. And that can lead you down the rabbit hole of feeling bad about yourself; believing nothing will ever change. But what have you really done? Read some books? Listened to this podcast? Awareness doesn’t mean much without action. If you are having an affair with someone who has a lot of obstacles around spending time with you, you are probably in a constant tug-of-war of being pissed off, yet unable let go. You are aware you aren’t treating yourself with respect, but you stay and accept breadcrumbs, leaving you to feel horrible about yourself. Feeling powerless, you complain, wondering when your life will turn around. If you actually want to move away from victimhood and make changes in your life, you have to break free of the cycle by DOING. That means taking emotionally risky action, which, yes, is scary. But scary is what moves the needle. Otherwise, you will continue moving through life as a victim, watching yourself do it, and berating yourself for it. There is strength and courage in asking for help, so if you find yourself unable to take a step, reach out to someone.

Do you feel like you’re a go-with-the-flow person most of the time… until you hit a big roadblock? This often happens in situations where what you want is totally different from what your partner wants. You try to be flexible, but at some point you feel like everything is pushing against you, leaving you frustrated and angry. It turns out you actually do want your way, and you want it NOW! You want to have the picture in your head so you go from easy-breezy to totally losing it. Let’s imagine you live with your partner who you recently broke up with. You make it easy on him/her by handing over all the furniture and helping them find a place to live. But instead of accepting your help, they dig their heels in, making things unbearable because they’re pissed about the break-up. Things did not go as you planned, leaving you feeling trapped, stuck and screwed. Growth doesn’t always come in the package you want. Sometimes you have to stay where you are because there is a lesson in it. When there is something for you to work through and you try to leapfrog away from it, you actually shortchange yourself. Instead of staying stuck in frustration, confront your fears and look for the lesson. It is a gift.

Many of us frown on the “entitled” without realizing we ourselves feel it, believing we are owed something in this life. It often stems from childhood. If you weren’t shown how to value yourself and fill your own emotional tank, you looked externally. You thought hard work would be rewarded, as if a fairy godmother was keeping score and would fill up the part of you that was missing. Unfortunately, this belief will keep you stuck in a cycle of anger and frustration, waiting for a reward that may never come. Entitlement isn’t about deserving—it’s about scarcity. If you work like no one’s business, you feel entitled to your piece of the pie. Maybe you put years of effort into a relationship that isn’t working, waiting for it to become the partnership you “deserve.” When it doesn’t happen, you are left angry and resentful, cursing the universe for not providing what you think you’re owed. When you discover these feelings of entitlement, ask yourself what’s really missing. Can you pull back your efforts and connect with yourself to fill your own void? Entitlement is a disconnect between your heart and your head. Instead of holding tightly to what you’re “entitled” to, let go of the outcome and allow yourself to experience life.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with Lucia Giovannini, a former Italian supermodel turned best-selling author, spiritual teacher, transformational coach, environmental & animal activist, and author of 13 books. Listen in as she takes us through her journey of relationships and finding her higher purpose to now where she is a Master Fire-walking Trainer, an NLP and Neuro-Semantics Trainer, and a recognized international Life Coach. Learn more about Lucia at https://www.luciagiovannini.com/.

Obstacles provide fantastic excuses for staying stuck: “He’ll leave his wife when his youngest graduates,” or “She will be ready to commit once she is financially secure.” By sacrificing yourself and putting what you want on hold, do you hope to eventually be rewarded with the relationship you want? Do you fantasize about him/her saying, “Screw it, the kids will get over it. Let’s do this!”? When you hide behind obstacles, you avoid dealing with your deeper fears of rejection, abandonment or being alone. Suppose your partner moves away and you can’t handle a long-distance relationship so you keep asking him/her to move back. Sometimes he/she talks about returning at some point in the future, but other times suggests you both move on. You are so focused on removing the obstacle (distance), you don’t realize you’re living in a fantasy of how things would be if you lived in the same zip code. So you hold onto hope, continuing with a relationship you are both afraid to let go of. If you are in a relationship with a giant obstacle, look at how you romanticize it. Obstacles provide a comfortable barrier to intimacy, leaving you wanting what you can’t have. And unfortunately, removing them usually doesn’t solve the problem… because the real problem hides behind the obstacle.

Many people have issues around three key areas in life: love, money, and health. And if you’ve done some work on yourself, you realize much of what keeps you from having what you want comes from negative beliefs (I don’t deserve, I’m not good enough, etc.). You focus on breaking patterns and building your value to the point that you not only believe you CAN meet the love of your life, make the money you want or stick to a healthy lifestyle… it actually happens! Until the other shoe drops. Let’s say you’re finally in a healthy relationship after a lot of work on yourself and life is rosy. But then, you start having weird pains in your body and you think you’re going to die. Where is this coming from? It’s your good ol’ beliefs tapping you on the shoulder; the ones that say you don’t deserve to be healthy. Or, since you’re happy in your relationship, you think you deserve to be punished in some other area of your life. Just because you ditch your negative beliefs over “here” doesn’t mean they won’t show up over “there.” In fact, they will continue showing up until you address them in ALL areas of your life. Fun, right? If you find this happening to you, don’t get discouraged. Just focus on deserving good and taking courageous steps. It’s all part of the journey.

Every time you say, “My husband is a narcissist and I’m stuck here,” or “I’m never going to make more than $X because I have always earned a low salary,” you are telling yourself a story. You probably don’t even realize how many stories go through your head at any given time because they run on autopilot, based on judgments you have made. But guess what? You created them, so you also have the power to change them. Let’s say you believe your sister is always angry with you, no matter what you do. When she hosts family gatherings at her house instead of yours it’s because you’ve done something to piss her off. You think she doesn’t care about your family, so you are always on the defense when she calls. Even when she’s nice, you look for evidence to support the story she’s always angry with you. Assuming the ending to a situation that hasn’t unfolded yet is how you keep your life limited. Instead, pay attention to your thoughts and judgments about yourself and others. Question them. What if they weren’t true? You can choose to react to situations based on your stories, or you can question their validity and write yourself a different ending.

Are you insecure about your parenting—wondering if you’re doing a not so great job? If you grew up insecurely attached without a lot of self-love, you probably fear that you will unwittingly insert your old patterns and beliefs into your kids. And no matter how hard you try, you see your kids exhibit avoidant behaviors like hiding, people-pleasing or not taking responsibility for their actions. You feel guilty, so instead of allowing them to screw up and suffer the consequences, you protect them by giving them a “get out of jail free card,” money, cleaning up after them, doing their homework, etc. You do not want them to suffer disappointment or anything negative. On top of it, you people-please your own kids for fear they won’t love you. Rescuing your children from life experiences doesn’t help them. It’s actually a disservice because dealing with disappointment builds emotional resiliency, which is key to happiness and wellbeing. When you try to make it easy for them as children, you make it harder for them as adults—this is a lesson I have personally learned. A lot of my choices around raising my kids came from fear. Now, however, we have an open, loving relationship built on honesty and proper boundaries. If you want your children to become adults who trust themselves, love themselves and prioritize themselves, stop protecting them from pain and rejection. Letting your kids show up for themselves is the best thing you can do for them.

Do you avoid negative emotions like the plague? Maybe you only believe in being positive, so when negativity sneaks up, you don’t want to deal with it. You shove it down, but eventually hit the tipping point where fear, depression, and anxiety pop up. Feeling totally out of control, you’re desperate to get back to feeling ok again, except you really weren’t ok to begin with—you were in a numb bubble. Perhaps you tell people you’re happily single and have no desire for a relationship. You go to work, come home and have a set routine. You feel a false sense of peace and happiness because everything is under your control, but it’s an illusion. Suddenly you lose your job or meet someone you hadn’t planned on and your world is upended. When you are used to your cozy numb bubble, actual feelings can be overwhelming. But staying in the bubble is small and limited, not allowing you to live in a meaningful way. To truly experience all that life has to offer you have to step into your fear and FEEL your negative emotions. It really is the way out because numbness does not equal happiness.

When it comes to partners, do you pick ones who are generally happy or generally miserable? Do they walk around with a dark cloud overhead, complaining all the time, or do they smile when doing small tasks like folding the laundry? The people you are drawn to reflect your own state of happiness. And no, happy doesn’t mean jumping up and down 24/7 or those crazy, intense feelings. It means being peaceful, connected to yourself, satisfied, fulfilled, etc. So if you’re tired of draining relationships full of struggle and want to catch yourself a happy fish, it’s time to up the ante on your own happiness. Happiness starts with being in control of your own emotional state, rather than relying on others to take care of it for you. That’s what lifts the heaviness and allows you to have a light and happy life even when things are dark or challenging. You trust things will be ok because deep inside YOU are ok. Then it’s about sharing your dreams and happiness with your partner rather than focusing on problems. You don’t have to choose people who are depressed so you can “fix” them. Misery is easy. Happiness takes courage, but once you choose it for yourself, you will find your own happy little fish!

Did things affect you deeply as a kid, feeling overly sensitive to everything around you? I used to feel my doll’s pain, my stuffed animals’ pain, and even a caterpillar’s pain! Maybe your heart ached when someone got yelled at (or when you were yelled at). Whatever it was, people around you probably told you to get over it. Then, you started to shut down those feelings and disown them because you felt shame. You created a hard shell to protect yourself from your own sensitivity so it wouldn’t show to others, which snowballed into other avoidant behaviors. Swallowing your feelings was a way of receiving validation that you weren’t an overreacting crazy person. It was how you avoided rejection. When you equate sensitivity with pain and potential loss, you will work really hard to cover up your feelings and hide who you are. You may play the role of the funny people-pleaser, always looking for validation that you’re ok. Or maybe you create your own fantasy world to live in which is safe, but deeply lonely. However, being sensitive is actually a good thing when you fully embody it and use it as your superpower for your own emotions and desires. Reconnecting with that sensitive kid inside and embracing all the feelings you have shoved down will give you an incredible sense of peace and well-being. Sensitivity is a gift.

You have spent your life doing for others, worried that if you don’t put them first, they’ll leave… or at the very least they’ll be mad at you. It’s exhausting, however, so you want to start prioritizing yourself and your growth. You know you’ll feel better, shed the resentment and have more energy, but what if the people in your life think you don’t need them anymore? What if they think you’re being selfish? It is NOT selfish to want to feel good. You are actually doing the world a favor by taking care of yourself because a happier you means a more pleasant person for others to be around. When you focus on how you feel, what lights you up and what you want, everyone benefits. How different would it feel to make decisions based on what you want rather than what someone else wants? How much lighter and energized would you feel? If you wait for permission to say no to someone else so you can say yes to yourself, you’ll be waiting forever. Stop believing people will leave in droves if you “selfishly” take care of yourself. The ones who do are a negative in your life, not a positive. You’re a kick-ass person who deserves to be happy. Decide you deserve your own love and attention. Do it selfishly and others will reap the benefits.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment”, I talk with Josh Spencer, paraplegic of 23 years and owner of the Last Bookstore in Los Angeles. Listen in as he takes us through his darkest moment that he experienced at the young age of 21 when he was in a horrific moped accident that resulted in him being paralyzed. After a series of additional losses and being diagnosed with depression, he started to become more ambitious and was able to move forward by creating the world-famous bookstore, the Last Bookstore. Learn about the Last Bookstore at: http://lastbookstorela.com/ and facebook.com/lastbookstore. Follow the Last Bookstore @lastbookstorela.

You finally called it quits with your partner who always told you what to do and when to do it. You complained about how he/she controlled you or manipulated you, so ending the relationship felt like a huge relief. But not long after that one ended, you walked straight into another one, leaving you to wonder why everyone is such a controlling a-hole. Where are all the “normal” people? Ending a relationship because you think the other person is the problem is not the path to a healthy relationship. Until you look at how you showed up and how you helped create the situation, you’ll keep repeating the same old patterns that landed you in these controlling relationships. If you keep convincing yourself it’s about them, you’re robbing yourself of the chance at a healthy relationship. You are the only one who can change the dynamic. Get to the root of why you choose controlling partners (hint: it speaks to what you believe you deserve), then make choices toward valuing yourself and filling your own void. Once you do this you’ll attract someone who allows you to be who you are, without the shackles. Looking to move past the bullshit in a quicker manner with these tendencies to find relationships to be anxious in? Then check out my new group: https://www.tracycrossley.com/the-love-addict-bootcamp/

Do you have an image in your head of who you are supposed to be? And does that image contradict who you actually are? These images often stem from a need for love and respect, thinking the only way to have either is by being what other people want. This can lead to contortionism where you bend yourself to fit a particular picture, or walking on eggshells so people won’t see the real you. Maybe you go to med school because that is the expectation in your family. In relationships, it can manifest as working extra hard to be the nurturer or provider or anything else that goes against your true nature. But what if it didn’t have to be so hard? What if you were loved and accepted without the costume? When you let go of the idea of who you’re supposed to be, it allows the space to become who you are. Yes, it is REALLY scary to chip away at the façade you’ve grown accustomed to. What if you end up broke or alone? Is it worth the risk? Uncovering who you are beneath all those layers of conditioning leads to a freer, happier existence where you are in a state of flow. You get to stop swimming upstream, wondering why you’re so depleted. To get there, however, you have to ask yourself some difficult questions and face some uncomfortable truths. Then you can move away from your false identity and take steps in the direction of who you actually are.

You don’t trust your partner. He/she is lying and cheating… or you’re afraid they are. Maybe you have an ex who cheated on you so you are hyper-aware of certain behavior. Like if you see your partner acting flirty with someone, which sends you into that crazy, anxious paranoid mode. This reaction, however, is more a reflection of your negative beliefs and how you don’t trust YOURSELF. You don’t trust that you would be able to handle the disappointment of the relationship ending. What if you never recover? What if you just attract another cheater? Staying in a relationship like this allows you to play the victim while assigning your partner to the role of perpetrator (can you say drama triangle?). You get to blame him/her while taking no responsibility for why you stay… and you may be doing this without realizing it. Being a victim feels strangely secure, but it’s a prison that you choose to be in. If you remain, pain and anxiety will be constant companions. To break the chains of disrespect, distrust, and lack of love for yourself, you have to connect with the buried feelings you are trying to avoid. Because staying in a relationship where there is a lack of trust is less about your partner and more about you. But that means you can do something about it. If you're really ready to make a change, please check out my new group: https://www.tracycrossley.com/the-love-addict-bootcamp/

Do you believe happiness exists outside of you? That once your partner FINALLY gets a clue, or you lose 10 pounds, or you get that promotion, or you buy that house, you’ll be happy? You think if you work hard at achieving your goals, you’ll be rewarded with happiness. Sure, you may get to where you’re going, but does that mean happiness will follow? Nope. Happiness is not a butterfly. It’s the caterpillar, the cocoon and the chrysalis; it’s the whole transformative journey. If you feel like happiness is elusive, you’re probably chasing a butterfly. It doesn’t come from trying really hard or projecting a certain image or acting as-if; it comes from letting go and being present. You can spend years doing things that are “supposed” to be fun without ever experiencing it. I look back with regret on girls’ trips and relationships that I wasn’t truly present for. I thought they would be game-changers when it came to finding happiness, but they never were. Now I have learned to slow down and open up instead of rushing through life and disconnecting from my feelings. Your happiness is your responsibility, so instead of chasing something externally and waiting for the universe to reward your hard work, take an active role to seek out what you feel connected to.

Your relationship isn’t going well. Perhaps your partner is verbally or emotionally abusive, threatening to leave or causing you harm. But there are good sides to him/her too, which you don’t want to discount, so you focus on that and make excuses for their bad behavior to yourself and others. Or you complain about your relationship to your friends, but act as if nothing is wrong when with your partner. You know you should leave, and part of you wants to, but deep down you believe this is all you deserve. Your bar for acceptable behavior is frighteningly low. When you don’t value yourself or your emotional well-being, you teach others it’s ok to treat you poorly. And this doesn’t just apply to women. In fact, in this episode, I share a story about a male client whose wife throws things at his head and constantly belittles him. When he does threaten to leave, she does something nice to keep him hanging around. Staying in a relationship like this and “hoping” it will get better is to your own detriment. What are you afraid of losing? Why do you think you deserve this? You do NOT deserve it and you have the power to do something about it.

Most of us act like a jerk at times—that’s just life. Some work really hard to prove they are not a jerk by overcompensating while others double-down on their behavior and defensively say, “I don’t care what people think!” Both are avoidant, fearful reactions based on how others perceive you. When you truly accept who you are (the good and the bad), how people label you does not drive your behavior or affect how you view yourself. And very often who the “jerk” is in a given situation depends on who you ask. Let’s say you recently ended a relationship where your ex was cheating on you. Clearly, he/she is the jerk, right? But then you hear this person is telling others that YOU are the asshole, always talking about yourself and wanting him/her to change. You’re appalled that people feel sorry for your estranged mate who is clearly the bad guy in this scenario. Focusing on how people perceive you or your ex is a great distraction from your own feelings. It also allows you to avoid taking responsibility for your actions in the relationship—including why you chose to be there. Life isn’t black and white. Instead of playing the “who is the jerk today?” game, wouldn’t it be nice to remove the labels and just allow everyone to be who they are… including yourself?

You’ve done some work on yourself and have achieved a certain level of self-awareness, yet your relationship status doesn’t reflect that. Each time you dip your toe back into dating to see if things have changed, you say, “Yep, just as unsuccessful as before!” Then you go back into your cocoon hoping the next time you emerge you’ll find that perfect person. Unfortunately, personal growth isn’t suddenly rewarded by the universe. No one pats you on the back and says, “Good work, you deserve a relationship now!” You actually have to put your learnings about yourself into practice. And to do that you need to throw away your old checklist and open yourself up to different experiences, which is emotionally risky and uncomfortable. You have to stop playing games, hiding out, being mysterious and all the other avoidant behaviors that haven’t worked. The reason you keep attracting jerks is that you’re not DOING things differently. If you say you want a relationship, you actually have to get in the ring and practice breaking old patterns… with another person. Ready to turbocharge your growth and leave attachment behind? Check out my new group! https://www.tracycrossley.com/the-love-addict-bootcamp/

Ever notice how quick you are to say, “I don’t like X” or “I can’t stand it when people…”? Whether the subject is food or a person’s behavior or how something looks, you probably respond negatively on autopilot. This can be as simple as calling someone an a-hole for cutting you off on the freeway or as damaging as dismissing someone outright because you disagree with something they believe. Hate begets hate so the more you try to banish those unsavory people or situations from your life, the more they crop up. A hater mentality also allows you to remain in your comfort zone, avoiding what you fear. It leaves you disconnected from yourself because all of your focus is on what you don’t like or disapprove of. It robs you of your own wellbeing. Instead, what if you were to be curious about what you don’t like and why? What if you put proverbial duct tape over your mouth whenever you felt like vocalizing your dislike for someone or something? When you acknowledge you can’t control what is outside of you, you are able to let go and allow for a more peaceful existence. Remember, you get to choose what you focus on and how you respond.

This podcast was inspired by an email from a listener. After getting out of a toxic relationship, she noticed her knee-jerk reaction of throwing up emotional walls when someone expressed interest in her. As someone who wants a healthy, committed relationship, she knows she needs to work through her fear, dismantle those walls and let people in… but how? Walls go up when your head takes control and runs amok with fear-based stories. For me, this happened when comparing my dates to someone I was still hooked on, or to an on-again-off-again relationship. Basically, I compared them to what was familiar: my unhealthy insecurely attached relationships. My walls also went up when someone appeared too available because I would look into the future and imagine being stuck in a relationship I wasn’t sure I wanted. When toxic relationships are what you know, healthy ones feel foreign. Fear leads every step you take, making it almost impossible to let someone in. Breaking down those walls comes from surrendering to your fear and standing in it. Each time you stop yourself from running, hiding or disconnecting from your emotions, you pull a brick down. As you do this, you give yourself the space to handle the GOOD instead of staying stuck in pain, which then creates an opening to let others in.

If you stopped for a moment and asked yourself about the unrest you feel about a mistake. What would you hear in your head? Could it be something like: "I cannot and will not take the responsibility for having made a mistake, misjudged someone, upset someone or anything else which could make me in trouble with myself." Add to that in trouble with anyone ever. The thought of responsibility feels like a loss of control, as though you are nothing. Now, this is a "feeling" not necessarily reality. But when I look back at the feeling, it could feel like a black hole I was falling into. Something else I would obsess about in terms of "mistakes" is in a situation when I used to think someone else "thinks I did something wrong," because I always tried to do the right thing. It is something that haunted me from childhood forward. I would ruminate for hours about how I should have done it differently so as to avoid trouble. But to say I did something out loud, as though I am responsible? No way. If you find yourself doing the same thing, there is another way to live. Yes taking responsibility for what you do and say is part of it, but dealing with the shame that comes up when you have made a mistake. Or you fear being judged about it. Those fears unchecked make you act in unnatural ways, walk on eggshells and just feel bad. Want to learn how to undo the grip of shame on your life? Check out my podcast.

When insecurely attached to someone, you probably react to them in one of three ways (depending on your mood or day of the week): wanting to run away screaming, clinging like a piece of moss or numbing yourself so you don’t feel much of anything. This back-and-forth can make you feel crazy and out of control, like you are trying to cut an invisible cord between you and the other person. But you can’t cut it and you are stuck in struggle. Perhaps your partner says he/she will commit, but never does, so you keep looking externally for answers. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work and just perpetuates the struggle. Instead of fighting the anxiety and frustration of your current situation, stop. Struggle is a choice, so give yourself permission to be right where you are. You can continue going in circles or you can surrender to where you are right now and accept all of your feelings around it. It’s ok to feel stuck, it’s ok to feel frustrated, it’s ok to feel crazy. Allow all of it, then be curious about what you can learn. When you are able to say, “Ok, I am tied to this person right now but I’m going to dig deeper into what I am attracted to and why,” you will move away from struggle and eventually outgrow the situation.

You may walk around with the fear of being called out or criticized. You want to be seen how you think you are, it's a lot of work to try and control what you cannot. It's as though you are constantly playing Monopoly, making it a mission to buy all the properties and negotiate for what you need. So tiring when your life is this way too. Self-protective and self-absorbed--I need to take care of me, me, me through working on my image, so I cannot be faulted. Ugh. Self-absorption—everything outside of me is about me—its how I define myself. I assume and I personalize, so that I am above anyone thinking I have done wrong. I need to stay one step ahead. Even if this seems unfamiliar to you, as in you do not see yourself operating this way (but maybe you see it a teeny bit--that's okay--listen in), do you know anyone like this? You cannot handle for anyone to think poorly of you. This is what it looks like when you are looking for others to help you to feel whole, because you do not feel that way just being you. You will stop obsessing about yourself when you realize you are just okay being you. Not easy to do, but very rewarding. So, what can you stop worrying about when it comes to the fear of the opinion of others? Tune into my podcast and get some tips on how to drop this schtick and enjoy your life without worrying what others have to say about you.

Most insecurely attached people have an identity crisis going on that either they are aware of or completely checked out of. Many identify as introverts that are avoidants or anxious avoidants, but really they are isolationists. The clock says 5 and they are looking for the sanctity of their home. Sometimes being the isolationist lets them come out and play for a bit in a group—but do not get too close and do not bring them drama, they will run once again. On the other side of the coin are the more extraverted insecurely attached peeps—the ones who cannot be alone and go from relationship to relationship. Being around others keeps them from dealing with what is going on inside…yes, they avoid too, but their outer actions to do it look different than those who lone wolf it. Both are emotional isolationists. Both are two sides of the same coin. Where one may run for cover from a group the other will make the group their thing. Both need validation, but have different ways of gaining it. One needs it covertly and the other overtly. Being in a group or avoiding them is a symbol of where you can do work with yourself. If you need to be in one or do not know who you are or you avoid them like the plague, there is a deeper reason. There are grey areas, as we are all individuals, the point is there is an identity crisis here and it is okay to cross the line into the things you would never do. Perhaps that is something to look at? As you grow into valuing yourself you actually find a balance between the extra and intra. You find that your voice wants to be heard where you were quiet and where you were loud you have gotten quieter, speaking up when it really matters. Insecure attachment has a huge impact on our choices and how we see ourselves. As you grow, be prepared to enter more of the middle ground rather than either extreme.

Some kind of advice, right? Having permission to do what it is you fear will f**k up your life is usually what will actually give you the life you want. It won’t destroy you, fear is the very element that holds us back from moving forward, moving on and making the change you want to happen. Emotional commitment is truly unmatchable. When you step outside of your head, stop asking for advice from others, you are taking steps toward f**king your life up as it feels like you are free-floating unsure of where you may land. And that is ok! Sure, life's not exactly problem free, but if you choose to do nothing then whatever situation you're in will continue to remain static. Most of the reactions you'll get from people are based on their own life experiences, so how is that relevant to you? Exactly. So go f**k up your life and it will, inevitably un-f**k your life. True change lives outside of your comfort zone. It's to see, feel and know your fear, and go through it like Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride (and don’t hold on, let it take where you it takes you). So here's your chance. It's time to stop asking for outside opinions and asking others what you should do and just do it for yourself. The outcome will not only un-f**k your life, it will build confidence to trust yourself. Join me for this podcast I'll discuss the best steps for taking that narrative stick of dynamite and letting er’ rip to create the change you really need and want.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with Andy J. Pizza, an American illustrator from Columbus, OH and creator of the multi-million-viewed Creative Prep Talk podcast series. As a child, Andy's mother abandoned two families and slipped into drug addiction. To escape from what he describes as a "curse" he began illustrating and eventually began working with his dream client, Nickelodeon. After a series of ups and downs, he eventually lost this dream opportunity and eventually won them back. Andy discusses how his journey was the only way he could slay his dragon and reflects on how seeking out new role models played a pivotal role in allowing him to find himself. Nowadays Andy is the creator and host of Creative Prep Talk, a podcast series that offers-up his expertise on how to turn your passion into your job through marketing and business strategy. Learn more about Andy's podcast at www.soundcloud.com/creativepeptalk

Anxiety isn’t the enemy—it’s just trying to do its job. It sounds the alarm when fear comes up, stepping in to take care of things. It provides a clue to your internal workings: where you lack trust, what you fear, what you don’t accept, etc. It is wrapped up with self-judgment and the fear of being seen. Trying to fix it by solving external problems won’t work. Even if the situation stops causing anxiety, that sleeping bear still lives inside you. Anxiety grows when you hate it, disown it, try to reason with it and push it away. Instead of running from it, sit with it. Listen to what it tells you. It can lead to some eye-opening truths that may be hard to see. Being whole means accepting the dark and the light, the negative and the positive. These are all parts of you that need to be embraced. Trying to ignore the dark and disowning those parts of yourself will leave you stuck in resistance. Start by reintegrating the “negative” aspects of yourself you have abandoned; the parts that are shameful or make you cringe. When you stop hiding your imperfections and accept ALL parts of yourself, anxiety will stop controlling you. To be happy is to be whole, and you can’t be whole when you only accept your positive attributes. We are all flawed. Embrace it. Love it.

Do you think other people should bend to what you want? To satisfy your way of doing things or perform the way you want? You may have this expectation without realizing the rules you are creating: it’s too late to make plans, we can’t talk on the phone more than once/week, etc. In relationships, this usually creates pain. Rules are related to control because you don’t trust yourself to be in a flow with your partner. They also result from a lack of healthy boundaries. Needing things to be a certain way creates a false sense of security. Instead of relying on rules, allow for compromise. This isn’t about compromising your values or who you are; it’s about finding a middle ground that works for both of you. When you find yourself putting your foot down, unwilling to compromise, ask yourself what your goal is. Are you trying to control the other person? If so, why? What are you trying to protect yourself from? If you feel like you have to be strict with how you interact with someone because you’re afraid of being taken advantage of, ask why you choose rules over honesty. Rules are not the path to developing deeper connections with people. When you are authentic and speak your truth, you can compromise without sacrificing yourself or your values.

**See freebie link at the bottom. “I attract avoidants” has almost become a mantra for anxious pursuers who are convinced they are only attracted to people who shun them. They believe relationships require a lot of effort, thus feeling a deeper connection to partners who reject them. If it comes easy, something must be wrong. This anxious pursuer is always focused on their partner, pushing, pulling and waiting for that “wake-up” moment that never comes. Let’s say you start dating someone who checks a lot of your boxes, but they rarely contact you so you do all the work. You create excuses to contact them, enticing them with sex or whatever carrot you think will prove irresistible. You live in the fantasy of feeling close to them, making the reality of rejection both painful and comfortable. The irony is that if they DO get close to you, you’ll distance yourself. This push/pull dance is a pattern, with fear of abandonment at its core. To break it you need to connect where it hurts, accessing those deep feelings you avoid like the plague. Instead of running from pain and anxiety when they strike, sit with it. Be with it. Do not react or discharge your pain on someone else. It is SO HARD to do and feels like walking through fire, but it will set you free. Want to take a deeper dive into changing your attachment issues? Click for my meditative release on this link: https://tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

As much as we want life to be black and white so we can keep things neat and tidy, it’s not. That is your intellect trying to run the show. Everything is a shade of grey, especially when it comes to emotions. When you put your mind in charge of your emotional state, you make fear-based choices. There is no deep connection to yourself so you rely on rules rather than trusting yourself. Emotions are esoteric; they cannot be easily described or labeled because words are a mental construct. Stop trying to separate the black paint from the white when they are all swirled together. Let them mix, it’s ok! When it comes to emotional change there are no absolutes. You have to feel your way through, make mistakes, and keep on going. Needing a bunch of black and white rules means you don’t trust yourself. If you wait for a sign that it’s ok to step into your fear, you’ll be waiting a long time. It’s ok to live in the grey and not know how things will turn out. In fact it’s the only way to emotionally grow. When you find yourself making decisions from fear, stop looking for rules about what you should or shouldn’t do. Instead, walk through the grey zone of emotional uncertainty and trust yourself you’ll be ok.

Your relationship with yourself is reflected in your relationships with others. If you didn’t receive much unconditional love as a kid, you do not know what it’s like to give yourself love and attention. And if you don’t give those to yourself, others won’t be able to give them to you because you teach people how to treat you. Disregard your own feelings and other people will follow your lead. You also can’t receive what doesn’t already exist inside you, so if you’re looking for someone to fill an internal void, it won’t work. You will continue to struggle with your relationships if you do not become emotionally available to yourself first. So how do you become more emotionally available to yourself? Start owning and valuing your own feelings. This will be uncomfortable because you’ve probably spent your life avoiding and/or discounting them. But if you don’t value your feelings, no one else will. You will continue looking for people who give you breadcrumbs of love and attention because it’s what’s familiar. Your feelings matter—even the ones that seem silly, stupid or wrong. Accept and embrace ALL of them. Do that and you’ll build your value, which in turn will make you more open, loving and emotionally available.

BUT WHY? You think if you can just understand what happened in your relationship, you can manage your emotions and put things back together. You won’t have to deal with loss or disappointment because you will make it work. If you can just understand why you were cheated on, broken up with, or treated badly, you can become the person he/she needs you to be. The problem with “understanding” is it is mental in nature, and a way of avoiding your emotions. Instead of sacrificing yourself to be what the other person wants, look at the feelings you’re afraid to deal with. Let’s say you’re walking on eggshells in your marriage, never asking what’s wrong because you’re afraid your spouse will ask for a divorce. Then you learn he/she has cheated on you. You fight back tears in an effort to understand so you can save your marriage. You’re terrified of loss and think that if you can figure out what happened, you can fix things. But at what cost? If you alter your behavior to be someone you’re not, you’ve sacrificed yourself for a dysfunctional relationship. You can understand all you want, but it doesn’t put you in control of the situation or give you what you want. The more you sit with your feelings and embrace what you’re afraid of losing, the better you will feel.

**Freebie at the bottom. Having trouble detaching from a toxic relationship that is over because you swear he or she was your best friend? You try “no contact” and focus on yourself, which is great until you hear from them and lose all the ground you gained. You get sucked back into the hope that he or she has become the person you believed they could be, you know the best friend you imagined them to be plus more (lover, partner, et al). You hold onto fantasies and expectations about the day they will finally wake up and get it. Does that happen? No, but you aren’t able to detach. It’s hard to commit to your own well-being when you can’t let go. No matter how many times this person has hurt you, you may still feel this “best friend” connection to them, which is a painful place to live; especially if they have moved on and are in a relationship with someone else. Don’t fight against your feelings—they are real and should be acknowledged—but look at what is actually happening. The more you see what’s true, the more clarity you’ll have around what you’re actually attached to. Ask yourself if you were putting this person on a pedestal and giving the relationship more meaning than it deserved. You want to matter enough to yourself to be able to move on so you’re not stuck in a situation where you receive breadcrumbs. Click here to get your free tool on banishing insecure attachment: https://tracy-crossley.mykajabi.com/pl/140617

Do you want people to act a certain way, treat you a certain way or do things the way you want them done? Do you expect them to live up to your standards of what is acceptable, or who you think they should be? The problem with expectations is they lead to disappointment. So when someone inevitably lets you down, do you blame them or nag them until you get your way? Do you threaten to leave? What is your favorite flavor of ultimatum, and how far will you go to get your way? The root of these expectations and the need to have things your way is based in lack. If you were filled with love for yourself, it wouldn’t matter what other people did or didn’t do. The problem isn’t the person who doesn’t live up to your expectations—it’s your need for those expectations in the first place. If you are constantly irritated by what your partner eats and you nag him/her to make different choices, ask yourself why. What does it trigger inside of you and what meaning do you give it? Until you account for what drives you, you will continue creating expectations to compensate for your feeling of lack and live in a cycle of disappointment.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with Alyssa Aubrey, Founder and Director of Medicine Horse Ranch, an experiential learning center that incorporates horses into human development. Growing up, Alyssa was the daughter of an alcoholic father and co-dependent mother. At 8 years old she remembers a fight ensuing after the police brought home her drunk father. Unable to listen, she climbed out her bedroom window and ran as fast as she could, stopping short at a horse ranch where a Palomino greeted her at the fence. Alyssa felt something pull her to the horse so she hopped on. It carried her around all night leaving her with an overwhelming feeling that she was safe, she wasn’t alone and she would survive the storms of her life. Years later when Alyssa lost her boyfriend in a freak accident, she would draw from that strength. Today Alyssa incorporates horses into her leadership development programs where her curriculum has earned her the AIA Meritus Award. She is also co-chair for the Certified Board for Equine Interactive Professionals, president of the Novato Horsemen’s, Inc., and co-author of the bestselling book “The Road to Success” with Jack Canfield. Learn more about Alyssa and her Medicine Horse Ranch at www.horsedream.us.

For many people, fear motivates their decision-making; particularly the fear of loss. They think choosing this way will somehow circumvent struggle, but it just entrenches them further. Coming from fear always costs more than coming from happiness, peace or love. So why do you do it? Emotional baggage creates a negative perspective from which you view your choices. You falsely believe making a decision from this fear-based state will somehow save you. It won’t. If you’re in a dysfunctional relationship and want to leave because you’re unhappy, fear may keep you stuck in it. Letting go of that relationship could mean your partner finds someone new while you remain alone. Or you fear your partner is the best you’ll have and no one will come close. You make your decision to stay based on the fearful stories you tell yourself, but this means more painful struggle, not less. You will continually find yourself faced with the same problems you’re trying to escape unless you sit with your feelings, connect with your inner truth and make choices from a peaceful place instead.

We all have stories we tell ourselves about who we are and how life should be, even if those stories are subconscious. To keep those stories alive, you expect everything outside of you to cooperate. If your story is that you’re creative, can’t sit still and need a lot of variety, you may expect your jobs and relationships to adjust to your changing whims. And when they don’t cooperate, you cling even tighter to your story and push against reality. This results in struggle: when reality doesn’t match your story and you choose to believe your story (mostly unconsciously). Struggle is painful, but it’s also painful to give up the struggle because you’ve done it for so long; it feels safe and familiar. A common story is “I’m alone, nobody wants me, I’m not good enough.” Then what happens is your actions support it so you keep creating your single status. Dating is a struggle because it goes against your “I’m alone” story. Instead of choosing reality (there are available people out there and you can have a relationship), you cling to your story, keeping you in struggle. The alternative to struggle is ease and happiness, and it happens through surrendering to reality. When you let go of your illusions about yourself and how life should be, you’re free. Challenging your stories, opening yourself up and surrendering to what’s possible gives you a one-way ticket out of Struggle-ville.

Do you live your life based on rules, promises and agreements you made as a kid? Maybe you think things need to be a certain way, but you’re not sure why. Promises can influence many areas of your life without you even realizing it. It could be something as simple as why you don’t like broccoli. Maybe your dad hated it so you thought there was something wrong with it. To please your dad, you decided not to like broccoli either. Years later you still don’t eat broccoli because you think you don’t like it, but you haven’t tasted it since you were a kid. The problem with these unspoken rules and promises is they have NOTHING to do with what you actually want. They are like a bunch of road signs that push you in a certain direction, keeping you from experiencing life. If you grew up with parents in a dysfunctional relationship, you may have equated marriage with yelling and pain. As an adult, you might have trouble with long-term relationships without knowing why. You don’t realize your younger self made a promise never to get married, which has prevented you from getting close to anyone. But once you identify the unspoken promises that no longer serve you, you can break them. And once you do that, all sorts of opportunities open up.

How do you react when someone says they have upset you? Perhaps they took something personally that you didn’t intend. Do you get defensive or accuse them of overreacting? Or do you actually listen to how they feel? When in a defensive state, all you hear is blame and shame for what you have done, believing you’re the bad guy. To prove you did nothing wrong, you invalidate them by saying they are being overly sensitive. It’s hard to take responsibility for causing pain so you want to make it their problem, not yours. Listening with empathy instead of defending your position or shaming them for how they feel is the difference between validating and invalidating communication. Let’s say you text someone a snarky comment that hurts their feelings. You didn’t mean to upset them (it was a joke!), but you did. First, acknowledge they are hurt and allow them to feel that way without judgment. You can say you didn’t mean to upset them, and you’re sorry it had an impact—even if you don’t understand their feelings. Conversely, if you’re on the receiving end of the text, you can explain why it upset you without making them the bad guy. Having this kind of open communication where you are both sharing without personalizing or getting defensive will bring you closer. Invalidating conversations create resentment and distance. You always have a choice in how you respond, so the next time you unintentionally hurt someone (or vice versa), open up, sharing and listening without judgment, rather than shutting down. Closeness is created when you give importance to other people’s feelings.

It’s hard to speak your true feelings. When asked, you may talk about what is happening externally: you’re stressed from work, worried about your relationship or upset about something a friend said. But those aren’t your deeper feelings; those are actually reactions. To understand what’s really going on, you have to dig beyond those surface emotions. Waiting for the situation to change or resolve itself may help temporarily, but it will resurface because you’re not getting to the root. This pattern of waiting for the external to change rather than dealing with the underlying emotions is learned… so of course it can be unlearned. And it takes a willingness to sit with discomfort. If you are angry that your partner ignores you while telling him/her about your day, dig below the anger. Why does it make you angry? What does it trigger inside? Maybe you’ll find a fear of rejection or abandonment. Connecting with those underlying feelings and sharing them with your partner is the road to emotional freedom. Or you can resign yourself to feeling this way whenever you talk to your partner about your day, hoping one day he/she will change. But where is the power in that? Feeling your ACTUAL feelings will keep you out of a reactionary state, and out of the victim zone, for a greater sense of well-being.

People tend to confuse feeling your feelings with ruminating. Rehashing the same story over and over is not processing your feelings—that’s ruminating. It’s a way of staying focused on stories and the meaning you give them. It’s also a way of avoiding your deeper feelings. You think you’re “processing,” but you’re really just marinating in your juices. Sitting with your feelings WITHOUT attaching stories is a different experience. When you ruminate, you need to solve a problem and often need something from someone else to come to a resolution. When you feel your feelings, there is a peaceful end; a feeling of calm. You don’t need anything external. Feeling your feelings is hard and people will perform all sorts of acrobatics to avoid doing it. But when you go around in circles with the same problem and rehash old stories, you don’t make any movement. Instead of feeling resolved, you’re frustrated. You are in a constant state of reaction where you remain stuck. Connecting with your deeper emotions will get you out of your head and out of the swirling toilet bowl where you can come to a peaceful resolution.

Do you constantly feel disrespected by your partner, friends, colleagues, etc.? Do you think they are the mean ones and you are the poor one who is made to suffer? Well, what if they were just following your lead? Everything you say or don’t say; do or don’t do teaches people how to treat you. If you say you won’t tolerate liars, why do you look the other way or make an excuse for someone lying to you? When you cross your own boundaries you give other people permission to do the same. Also, when you accept behavior but get angry about it, the other person picks up on that. Let’s say you buy lunch for co-workers because you want them to invite you to their after-work happy hours. Even if it’s not conscious, they may feel they’re being manipulated by your inauthentic gesture, so they continue not inviting you. You feel used and label them as mean but you’re the one not respecting yourself. Seeking validation by putting up with bad behavior will never lead to a positive sense of well-being. You’re putting your emotional state in someone else’s hands. It’s not about changing other people and how they treat you—it’s about treating yourself with the level of respect you want from them.

Rules are important for safety and for functioning in society, but you probably have a laundry list of rules you aren’t even aware of; ones that don’t serve you. If you spent today noticing all the rules in your life, you may be surprised by how much they operate your existence. Rules feel safe; they provide a road map. Maybe you’re afraid if you don’t follow them, all hell will break loose and you’ll feel utterly out of control. Rules create a limited way of life because you miss out on the joy of experiencing and allowing. Maybe you only eat organic produce, or have to be in bed by 9pm every night, or need to wait for someone to smile at you before you smile back, or only date someone of the same race. Preferences are fine, but these can easily become stringent guidelines you follow without questioning them, which can keep your world small and controlled. They become a crutch when you don’t trust yourself or your choices. When you allow life and live in the present moment, you take action from your heart rather than the traffic cop in your head. Happiness isn’t built on rules, and when you let them go, you may just find a better way of doing things.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with author, podcaster and intimate photographer Jen Rozenbaum. After a miscarriage and life-threatening ectopic pregnancy, Jen needed to direct her energy into something creative, so she picked up a camera and taught herself photography. When a client asked for a boudoir photo, Jen really connected with it, and later learned that many women who seek out intimate photos are suffering from infertility or other issues around femininity. These sessions were healing, both for Jen and her clients. And she didn’t know it at the time, but it was all practice for her real darkest moment… a breast cancer diagnosis in 2017. Something she found, ironically, while noticing a shadow on her self-portrait. Going through surgery and chemo wasn’t the darkest part of her journey, however; it was post-treatment. Jen didn’t trust life and mourned the person she was prior to cancer. She wasn’t that person anymore. There was a lot of shame associated with both her fertility struggles and cancer, worried people may think she had done something to deserve it. She now shares those difficulties openly and authentically via her podcast, and through Instagram self-portraits. She also continues connecting with women through intimate photography, helping them be shamelessly feminine. Learn more about Jen at https://jenrozenbaum.com/ and https://www.shamelesslyfeminine.com/. Follow her photography on Instagram: @jenrozenbaum.

Do you put up with complicated relationships? “It’s Complicated” as a relationship status is a bit of a cultural joke because it rings true so often, but does it have to be that way? Is it fun to feel frustrated and misunderstood? Or put forth a lot of effort and feel the other person isn’t pulling their weight? Then why choose to have those people in your life? This isn’t just about intimate relationships; it can extend to friends and family as well. Perhaps you believe some relationships are inherently complicated and it’s just something to live with. If you’re in a relationship with someone who is married, it may “work” for both of you, but you label it as complicated. You figure that’s just how these relationships go and convince yourself it’s ok, but you’re not truly happy. When you believe it’s something you need to accept and deal with, you absolve yourself of the responsibility for choosing to be there. It also serves as a cover for avoiding your deeper emotions. If that’s the way things are, no need to connect with your feelings about it, right? Unfortunately that just discounts and invalidates how you feel, and when you do this, you will never be satisfied with your situation. Relationships are only complicated if you allow them to be.

Do you struggle with where you are in life, wishing you were somewhere else? Maybe you think there is something wrong with where you are and you want to change it… NOW. But if you try to change without accepting where you are, you’ll stay stuck. You don’t have to like where you are, but you have to surrender to the fact that you don’t make the money you want or you aren’t in the relationship you want or you don’t have the job you want. Where you are is the result of many small decisions, so if you chose the path to get here, you can choose a different one to get out. You create what you wake up to every day. It's easy to complain about what you don’t like, but there is no power in that. You’ll never get where you want to go and will be left with a sense of longing. If you hate your job, accept that fact. Stop fighting against it or wishing it were different. Maybe it’s the best option for you right now. Again, you don’t have to like it to accept it. The pain you’re in is driven by your resistance to it, so stop resisting. When you accept and allow, you actually get what you want.

Feelings are messy. They cause disagreements, fights, problems, etc. You think it’s easier to just compartmentalize, ignore or numb them… but can you? Imagine for a moment that you set aside your uncomfortable feelings. Then what? If you go along to get along, will life be rosy? If you cease to have an opinion and agree with whatever anyone says, will everyone be happier? You may think it’s easier to acquiesce, but it comes at a great cost to you. When you shove your feelings aside, you disconnect from part of yourself. You teach yourself that your feelings don’t have value. If you were invalidated as a kid, believing your feelings were wrong, you might develop a pattern of masking them because it’s easier. But feelings don’t vanish because you want them to, no matter how much you push them down. Denying them for the sake of others builds anger and contributes to your existing pile of negative emotions. Your feelings will make other people unhappy at times, and that’s ok. You don’t have control over those people, but you DO have control over your own well-being. Honor your emotions and allow them. If you need help with that, I have a download below.

When people give lip service to “I’m sorry,” it loses its meaning. In fact, some people put a lot of weight on it. For the words to mean something, they need to come with ownership and self-responsibility. Prodding someone doesn’t feel good, and neither does someone wanting an apology from you that you don’t feel inclined to give. You can’t force a meaningful apology out of someone, so if you’re trying to do this, ask yourself why. This happens a lot with breakups. If you’re devastated over the end of your relationship, you may want your ex to acknowledge your pain and say they are sorry for what they’ve done to you. You believe this will give you a sense of closure, but you’re putting an awful lot of importance on words that may be empty, which won’t make you feel any better. Sorry is meaningless without self-responsibility and you can’t force someone to own the wrong you feel they’ve done (especially if they feel differently). Instead, look for where you can take responsibility in the situation and why you feel owed—what do you think it will do for you? When you own your role, you become less dependent on empty apologies.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with Sarah Prout, co-founder of the Manifesting Academy and host of the Journey to Manifesting podcast. Sarah was the victim of domestic violence in her 20s, but it was actually her husband’s destruction of her clothes and other possessions—not his physical abuse—that led her to finally call the police. Once on her own, she and her two children lived below the poverty line. Sarah, however, found gratitude in every blessing, from putting dinner on the table to having a pillow to sleep on. Gratitude through adversity allowed the next steps of her life to unfold. While on welfare, she built a community online organically and learned about the power of abundance… something you can have without a penny to your name. Now she combines abundance with manifesting to help millions of others create magic in their lives. Sarah believes that you manifest through your connection to The Universe and empowering your emotions. Learn more about her work at https://sarahprout.com/

When you’re in pain, do you feel like no one cares? If you didn’t receive emotional support as a kid, you probably grew up believing your feelings didn’t matter, yet you desperately wanted them acknowledged. On the flip side, you probably go to great lengths to cater to other people’s feelings because you have learned theirs matter more than yours. Being caught in this cycle of validating other people’s pain while talking yourself out of your own is a sucky place to live. Let’s say your mom never calls, yet expects you to call, visit, etc. You’re hurt because her feelings and desires always take priority over yours. And if you bring it up, she gets defensive, putting it back on you. You learn to keep quiet and may actually feel guilt around expressing your feelings. Putting the responsibility on someone else to validate how you feel is a powerless position to be in. YOU have to decide your feelings matter, and that they aren’t any less important than someone else’s. Your pain is real and having it doesn’t make you wrong or weak, even if no one else acknowledges it.

Blaming others is a way of avoiding responsibility, but what if YOU are the one who is blamed? And what if you’re blamed for something you didn’t do? If you were blamed a lot as a kid by your parents, siblings, friends, etc., it is probably a trigger for you as an adult. Maybe you feel like you have a magnet inside, attracting situations where you end up as the fall guy for stuff you didn’t do. Those magnets are often negative beliefs like “I am bad,” or “I am wrong,” or “I deserve misfortune.” It can also lead to overcompensation where you rescue others and people-please to prove you really are a good person. Maybe you’re blamed for dropping the ball on a project when it was someone else’s responsibility. You get yelled at for something your co-worker said he/she would do, but didn’t. You bend over backwards trying to fix things, even though it’s not your problem to fix, because you feel awful and want to avoid further blame. Maybe your negative beliefs even convince you it IS your fault. If you’re blamed for something you didn’t do, realize it’s about the other person and their issues (often insecurity). It’s heavy, it’s not yours and you don’t need to take it on.

You may think boundaries are set for the benefit of others, and get angry when they aren’t followed. But you probably go against your own boundaries all the time without realizing it. People take their cues from how you treat yourself, so if you’re upset about putting in extra effort despite expressing your need for help and you keep doing it, look at how you continue to pick up the slack. If your partner is constantly making plans with you at the last minute, despite you asking him/her to plan ahead, you have to ask why you stay in a relationship with yourself where you are disrespecting you which is then reflected in this relationship where you don’t feel like a priority. Even if you yell at them or punish them for their unacceptable behavior, you’re still allowing it to happen, because you are not respecting you. Boundaries are not the responsibility of others, they are yours. If your boundaries aren’t being respected, look at whether YOU are respecting them. Telling someone what you want or what is acceptable is not enough; you need to back it up with action in how you treat yourself. Show them, don’t tell them. If you have to tell someone you have to ask yourself again, “What am I doing here?” Start treating yourself the way you want to be treated. And if your actions DO support your boundaries but someone isn’t respecting them, it’s probably time to make a new choice in that relationship.

“Are you doing what you love?” is not a simple question, nor is it a magical road without potholes. People complain all the time about being unhappy in their job or relationship, yet do nothing about it. Complaining is easy; action is very uncomfortable. If you don’t believe in yourself you may be waiting for someone to tell you that you’re good enough, or to give you permission to jump. Playing the waiting game is fear-based. Do you want to live from a place of fear or a place of love? If you don’t want the same life, you have to do something different. There is no other way. Fear and negative beliefs hold you back much more than any external factor, so once you identify your internal obstacles, you can work though them. Otherwise you’ll be talking about the same dream to the same friends who secretly roll their eyes at you. They want to be supportive, but they are tired of hearing what you want, and then watching you do nothing to have it. Taking action is hard, so start small. What do you enjoy that you’re not doing right now? Go in that direction. If you feel a lack of confidence, be ok with it and take action from that place. Do what you love with NO confidence and from there it will build. It’s your life. What exactly are you waiting for?

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment” I talk with Guy Finley, bestselling author of more than 45 books and founder of Life of Learning Foundation, a nonprofit Center for Spiritual Discovery. Guy wasn’t raised in an environment that encouraged his precocious existential questions like "Why are we here?" He grew up in a show business family where wealth and success confused him because the adults around him seemed so afraid and angry. At age 17 Guy received a football scholarship to USC. It was an extraordinary achievement for a junior, but he lost that scholarship when a tackle left one of his legs paralyzed from the knee down. Guy sunk deep into his own pain, wondering who we was without a football scholarship. It wasn’t until a friend pointed out that all he did was talk about himself that Guy realized how egocentric he had become. That conversation was a turning point, leading him on a journey to explore our dysfunctional and denying nature. He believes pain is not to be avoided, and that something rich can come out of it—even paralysis, which we wouldn’t trade for all the money in the world. Today Guy gives talks at his Life of Learning Foundation, is a faculty member at the Omega Institute and has just released his newest book, "Relationship Magic: Waking Up Together."

People cherry pick conversations because they want to avoid the elephant in the room. If someone brings up a topic you’re trying to steer clear of, you may get defensive or change the subject. It’s classic Avoidant behavior and it often comes from wanting to project a certain façade. If you want to look like the perfect parent, for example, you probably won’t ask your kids questions that would elicit answers to the contrary, like times when you disappointed them. You fear judgment from others, but it’s really the judge in your head that’s causing you to deflect and avoid. This can happen in relationships when there is a question about “where things are headed.” You don’t want to ask because you’re afraid of the answer, so you avoid the topic all together and pretend everything is great. You think you are avoiding pain, but you are trading that for a lifetime of heavy feelings like anxiety, guilt and shame. Avoiding what you don’t want to hear doesn’t make your desired reality true. To shoo the elephant away, step into the conversations you’ve been avoiding. Otherwise that proverbial animal will just grow bigger.

Most people don’t like confrontation, avoiding it like the plague. It’s a way of hiding out. It’s also a stressful way to live because it creates a lot of internal and external drama. You may be afraid that someone will get mad at you, judge you or even leave you. It’s easier to keep quiet than to speak up and deal with any potential consequence, right? Better to have everyone think you’re this great, easy-going person. You don’t want to be known as a pot stirrer or bad guy. Who want’s that around? By not having difficult conversations, however, you actually create the drama, guilt and anxiety you are trying to avoid. Those emotions are heavy and you end up carrying them with you. Confrontation is uncomfortable because you’re afraid of what may happen. You want to control how other people feel about you… but you can’t. Trying to keep the peace or make other people happy comes at the expense of your own well-being. You pay a hefty price for going along to get along. Are you sure it’s worth it?

Are you stuck in a state of limbo, waiting for something to change? Maybe you’re in a dysfunctional relationship, hoping your partner will make a decision for the both of you. You’re physically present, but don’t look at why you are choosing to stay while doing nothing to improve things. Let’s say you’re married and resent your spouse for not communicating, never wanting to do anything fun, etc. But you don’t leave… and you also don’t work on the relationship. You exist in this half in/half out state, never addressing your fear around choosing to leave or emotionally committing to the relationship. Maybe you don’t want to make a wrong choice, or you feel lost and confused, but not making a choice about your relationship is actually a choice. Limbo-land creates its own drama and it can keep you stuck for a very long time, waiting for a sign that never comes. If you find yourself occupying this middle ground, look at your fear around making a decision. What are you avoiding by staying where you are? How does it keep you safe? Instead of blaming your partner or outside circumstances, ask yourself what YOU are doing to create your reality. You can spend your whole life teetering on the fence, staying miserably stuck because you’re afraid to make a move. Or you can pick a side, jump with both feet in and actually live.

As a partner, friend or parent you can always share your opinion and suggest what you would do in their situation, but you can never truly force them to do something. It’s ultimately their choice. Even with the parent/child relationship where you do have some control over their actions, you can’t crawl inside their head and change what they believe. You can hope they eventually see your wisdom, but whether or not that happens is up to them. A person’s mind can only be changed if they do it themselves. In some cases, there might be an opening, so encouragement can give them confidence to take action, but the choice is still theirs. When you force someone’s hand, even if your intentions are good, you run the risk of pushing that person away and creating emotional distance. You can make your kids to go to church or to a different school, but you can’t make them love it. In fact, you can sometimes do the opposite by creating resentment. If you find yourself in this situation, come from a place of sharing your experience and why it’s important to you without forcing your opinion or will. Provide encouragement, then step back and give them the space to make their own decision.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with coach, speaker and creator of Her Bold Voice, Kim Boudreau Smith. Growing up Kim learned to be seen and not heard. She became a corporate “yes” woman, living her life based on how other people thought she should live it. This contributed to low self-esteem, perfectionism, excessive exercising and an anxiety disorder. Then at the age of 48, an exhausted Kim fell asleep at a stoplight in broad daylight. This “wake-up” call forced her to look at why she was so unfulfilled and ungrateful for what she had. She was afraid that if she didn’t start opening up and getting honest with herself, she might not see her 50th birthday. One source of shame Kim confronted was her education, so at the age of 50 she got her high school diploma, followed by her Associates Degree and coaching certification. She learned how to have a relationship with her inner critic (who she calls the hag in the attic), acknowledging her presence but not letting her run the show. Now she helps other high level achievers do the same—to quiet their own inner critic, come from a place of truth and step into their own bold voice. Learn more about Kim at https://kimbsmith.com/.

Have you ever gotten to the point in a relationship where you can’t stand things anymore? Maybe it’s a past relationship—or something you’re going through right now. No matter what you do or how much effort you put in, nothing changes, yet you hope your situation will improve or your partner will suddenly wake up. When you’re in an attached relationship you often have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship is supposed to be, so eventually you decide you’re done. It’s an intellectual decision because you think the problem lies with your partner, yet you still have an emotional attachment. You’re done, but you’re not DONE. When you end a relationship prematurely, you continue to suffer. You think ending it will solve everything and things will be different when you’re apart. The next relationship will be better… only it isn’t because you are still the same person. You find yourself in another unhappy relationship that you end up leaving because you never worked through your issues. When you start taking responsibility for yourself and how you show up in a relationship, you can see it isn’t all about what your partner did “wrong” or why they were the “bad guy.” And when you acknowledge your feelings instead of avoiding them, you’re able to work through what’s going on inside so you can show up differently in your next relationship. If not, you’ll end up repeating old patterns.

Do you feel restless in some area of your life? Maybe you’re avoiding something. And instead of focusing on what you’re avoiding, you direct your attention toward some bright shiny object you believe is the answer. All your effort is put in that direction—you’ve figured it out! But as you eventually discover, it’s not the answer you thought it was. That’s because you’re solving the wrong problem, and the longer you chase this bright shiny object, the longer you avoid what’s really going on. Let’s say you and your partner are both checked out of your relationship, but instead of talking openly about how you’re feeling, you talk about moving. If you moved into a bigger house, farther away from the hustle and bustle, everything would be better. That extra space would lead to fewer arguments. You’d justify your move to friends: lots of parks nearby! Even if you have never mentioned parks being important to you before, you dig your heels in. Yep, moving is the answer to your relationship woes and you can’t wait until escrow closes. Then you move and a few months later you’re both checked out again. When you think the answer to your problem is what you don’t have, that missing piece will serve as a distraction to what the real problem is… which is always internal. You can spend your whole life chasing your tail by fixing the wrong problems, while your emotional state never shifts. Change can certainly be good, but only if it’s a reflection of what you’re feeling inside, not a distraction from it. So when you feel yourself drawn to something that appears to be the answer, slow down and look for internal feelings of intensity or anxiety that make you want to run toward it. Then ask yourself if there is something you’re avoiding.

Depending on someone else for your emotional needs is a powerless position… but being a servant to someone else’s needs is just as powerless. I’m not talking about being supportive or caring, both of which are important in a healthy relationship. I’m talking about assuming the responsibility of someone else’s emotional well-being, and vice versa. The problem is that even if it makes them feel good in the moment, it won’t last because you can’t make up for what they don’t provide for themselves. If you don’t feel like a priority in your relationship, believing everything and everyone else comes before you, you probably build up resentment because your needs aren’t being fulfilled. Maybe one night he/she makes dinner to show that you’re special, which feels great in the moment, but the next day things go back to normal. Your remain in this unhappy place because you are relying on your partner to make you feel important instead of looking at where you don’t make yourself (or your feelings) a priority. When you take care of someone else’s emotional needs, or rely on them to take care of yours, your happiness will always be temporary. And it’s a powerless position because no one, I repeat NO ONE, is responsible for your happiness but you. Believing otherwise will lead you down a frustrating, unfulfilling road. Give yourself what you need first. That’s the only way you will be able to authentically give and receive emotional support with a partner.

Shame is a universal emotion, but it is based on our own personal stories. Long ago you developed stories of right and wrong; good and evil. You then used those stories to direct your behavior. If you acted “wrongly” according to your story, shame likely resulted. Because shame is painful, you avoid it or blame someone else for how you feel. Shame may stop you from taking action because of anticipated failure. Everyone makes mistakes, but it’s your story about right and wrong that triggers your individual shame. When you’re able to recognize shame as a product of your story rather than a universal right or wrong, it becomes easier to break apart. Let’s say a friend told you a secret about someone, but later you learned that friend told a bunch of other people… so you figured it wasn’t really a secret. As a result, you told someone else in your friend group, but when it got back to the person who told you, she got really upset. Everyone turned against you, so you felt shame based on your story that you’re a bad person. You’re not objectively a bad person, but shame feeds into that belief about yourself. Someone else may shrug it off, not feeling any shame because they didn’t believe they did anything wrong. Your stories will control you if you don’t realize they are the source of your shame, which can lead to a life of limitation and playing small. Break down the stories, realizing they aren’t universal truths, and you can start to ease those shameful feelings.

Avoidants avoid—that’s what they do! And when they try to avoid pain, they remain stuck in a state of struggle (although they don’t know they’re in struggle). If you are an avoidant, your emotions are often left unbothered and undisturbed. You may go through life believing you’re happy because you have numbed the pain. But if a crisis hits and your emotions are out of control, you compartmentalize them, hoping someday you’ll feel better. You probably isolate yourself or shut down and avoid vulnerability in an attempt to protect yourself from pain. On the surface you look like you have everything together, but inside you’re filled with anxiety from trying to avoid your pain. If you’re the kind of person who bends over backward for a family member, yet gets frustrated because that person always complains, you may be avoiding a deeper pain. Maybe you don’t like to be criticized or do things wrong… but you don’t know that about yourself because you don’t allow yourself to “go there.” Instead, you bury those feelings and end up lashing out at your relative for being unappreciative. Trying to avoid pain won’t make it go away; it stays inside and creates a different kind of pain. Your emotions are running the show whether you pay attention to them or not. And when you try to ignore their existence, they can come out in uncontrolled ways. Instead of pretending pain doesn’t exist, or compartmentalizing it for dealing with “another time,” focus on it. The next time you feel yourself reacting, notice where you feel physical pain or tightness in your body. Just feel it. Practicing this will get you used to allowing the pain and you’ll come to realize it won’t kill you. In fact, it just may be the key to your happiness because you can’t feel joy without feeling pain.

Patterns are like bad habits: very hard to break. This is because they are old, usually developed in childhood as a means of emotionally adapting to situations. They are based on negative beliefs like I’m not good enough, I’m unlovable, I will never amount to anything, etc. Over time these repetitive thoughts and behaviors run on autopilot, making them even tougher to spot. Patterns are also familiar, providing a sense of safety… even if they lead to what you don’t want. Breaking a pattern means opening yourself up to the unknown, which is frightening. The great thing about patterns, however, is they CAN be changed once you become aware of them. If you tried to be perfect as a kid, careful never to make a mistake for fear of being punished, you will carry that perfectionism into adulthood, thinking you always need to do better than everyone else. You may think other people are the problem because you do things right and they do things wrong. Even if you become aware of this and try to stop, it can feel impossible because you are trying to address your issue intellectually or by force. You aren’t digging into the deeper feelings that cause your perfectionism, which is where you need to go. Trying to break a pattern strategically is like hitting your head against the wall: you have a headache and the wall is still there. Understanding your fear behind the pattern (i.e. being punished) and actually FEELING it is the key to breaking the pattern.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with entrepreneur, leader and YouTube influencer, Evan Carmichael. Evan’s darkest moment came at the ripe old age of 19. He was working his butt off at a software start-up making $300/week, frustrated by their lack of success and the same cheap bean salad lunch every day. After nine months of grinding without success, Evan called his business partner and quit. When he hung up the phone, he cried harder than he ever remembers crying. He had never identified as a quitter, yet there he was… quitting. The next morning Evan realized the pain of regret would be worse than the pain he was in, so he went back to his business partner who let him back in. Future regret is what fueled Evan forward, but he knew he needed a new path. Instead of reinventing the wheel, he took a page out of Bill Gate’s playbook and landed a $13,000 partnership deal three weeks later. With a model that could be replicated, he and his partner grew their software company to great success, and then sold it. Now he inspires other entrepreneurs to stop planning and start taking action, mostly through his YouTube channel which has 1.7 million subscribers. He’s currently in the midst of his #Believe tour, hosting workshops in 23 cities over 90 days. This, of course, started as an idea on a Wednesday that culminated in an out-of-town speaking engagement two days later. Because it’s all about action. Learn more about Evan and his 2019 tour at https://www.evancarmichael.com/.

I was a control freak most of my life, keeping everything tightly held. But as I have learned may times over… control is an illusion. If you aren’t happy with your situation, it’s not about the outside; it’s about the inside. Trying to control people or situations serves as a distraction from the lack you feel inside: lack of attention, value, importance, love, etc. Those feelings are painful, so you go into overdrive to prove you’re a good person worthy of love, value and attention. You need that external validation because you don’t feel it inside. Control manifests in work and relationships. Maybe you are bad at delegation because you’re afraid something won’t get done the way you want. Or you try to control other people’s perception of you by being a workaholic so they say, “Wow, so-and-so is always working late. What a dedicated team player!” But controlling how other people see you is an illusion, and it will keep you running in circles. If you find yourself wanting to control something, ask yourself why and what it’s enabling you to avoid. Who would you be if you were to let go of control? It’s always deeper than it appears on the surface, and there is a whole life waiting for you when learn to let go and let things be.

You’ve heard there are two sides to every story. Actually, there are as many sides as there are people involved because stories are based on perspectives. When you build a case against someone, believing you are right and they are wrong, you are sticking to your story (i.e. your version of reality). It’s all subjective, however, and your story becomes an illusion. When you cling to it, possibilities are restricted because everything needs to fit into what you believe is true. Your stories color everything, so understanding when your actions are based on a story is very important. If you want a partner who fits into the story of how you want your life to be, you’ll look for that person through tunnel vision. Maybe you envision your home together, and how you want it decorated. You see that person accommodating you in every way. Then one day, your partner asserts him or herself and stops going along with the program. You’re completely thrown because they no longer support what you envisioned. You’re then left with a choice: stick to the story where you’re the good guy and he/she is the bad guy for changing their tune OR look at what’s going on and challenge your perspective. When you accept reality and see that you contributed to this situation, your options open up. You can always choose to change your story… you just need to recognize when you’re stuck in one.

Our idea of healthy relationships is skewed by TV shows, rom coms and even classic literature that reinforces fantasy. They highlight the highs and lows of relationships, romanticizing drama. Women, in particular, wait for their prince charming, dismissing anyone who doesn’t take their breath away or create a colony of butterflies in their stomach. This is dangerous because instead of looking for a healthy relationship, you end up chasing unhealthy. And the worst part is you don’t even realize you’re going after the wrong thing, believing the fantasy you see and read is reality. It’s not. To use an example of how insecure attachment is represented (and even romanticized) in the media, I’ll turn to that iconic show from 20 years ago, “Sex and the City.” Wow, has it been that long? Each character avoided intimacy in different ways. Samantha used sex (physical intimacy) to avoid emotional intimacy. Charlotte avoided through perfectionism, Miranda by burying herself in work and trying to control everything while Carrie jumped from relationship to relationship, never being able to detach from a totally avoidant Mr. Big. Yes, the show was a drama so dramatic relationships are to be expected, and on some level you know it’s not real, but those examples seep into your subconscious. There were even quizzes to determine which SATC character you were most like, bridging the gap between fantasy and reality. Your life is not a TV show, and chasing dramatic relationships will not lead to happiness. The next time you catch yourself comparing your life to a movie or TV show, turn it off. Drama is entertaining, but it’s not something to aspire to. It’s like chocolate: it gives you momentary pleasure, but you can’t live off it. Remember, those roller coaster feelings have nothing to do with healthy relationships—no matter what the media suggests. Reality, in all its “boringness,” is actually an amazing place to live.

So many people strive for perfection to cover up feeling they’re messed up. But I have news for you: everyone is messed up! Including you. Welcome to the club, restrooms are down the hall. Your inner critic is what makes you believe you aren’t good enough, punishing yourself for your flaws. We all have fears and baggage from life. No one escapes unscathed (nope, not even that perfect little family down the street). Even if you had a healthy childhood, someone in your life disappointed you or made you feel you weren’t good enough. Maybe it was a boss who pointed out what you did wrong in a presentation, making the company lose a client. Believing you do things wrong while other people do things right leads to judgment and punishment which just makes everything worse. In a relationship, maybe you do everything for your partner so they don’t criticize you. You bend over backwards, yet still feel unappreciated. Your inner judge gets angry because you’re doing everything right—why doesn’t your partner reward you? You double-down on your efforts until you have a meltdown because you can’t keep up the pretense. You can try to fit yourself into what you’re supposed to be and fail, or you can own your baggage and simply be messed up ol’ you. Remember, everyone has an inner critic who tells them they’re doing it wrong. With self-acceptance comes emotional freedom… and a lot more energy. Isn’t it better to choose messed up and happy rather than messed up and miserable?

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with daytime talk show hosts Frances Callier and Angela V. Shelton, better known as Frangela. Best friends, living near each other in LA, Frances and Angela share just about everything… even a car! Their darkest moments, however, are quite different. Angela came from a family of strong women, referring to their tight group as the “isle of women.” So when a romantic relationship turned her into someone she didn’t recognize, she took a hard look at the choices she made. She also had to confront her shame around giving up a dream trip to Europe to follow her boyfriend to New York for a job at Saturday Night Live… only to have him avoid contact with her. For Frances, it was dealing with her mother’s stage 4 ovarian cancer diagnosis and what that would require of her. Not only did she have to deal with sorrow deeper than she imagined possible, but her brother revealed that death can bring out the worst in people, so unfortunately her relationship with her brother was lost as well. But Frances learned she had a fortitude she never thought she had, and after moving her mom out to LA to live with her, she ended up living two years longer than expected. Today Frances and Angela bring their positivity and humor to their talk show “Me Time with Frangela,” a newly-released comedy album called “Resist” and their podcast “The Final Word” on Westwood One. Learn more at http://frangela.com/.

Technology has become a crutch for people to hide behind. It’s a haven for Avoidants! Of course technology can be used in a healthy way, but when used to hide, it becomes problematic. Suddenly the rules for engagement are super important: “I can’t call first,” or “I must not reply to a text right away.” Your phone becomes a strategy and manipulation tool; a means of keeping things safely at a distance. Maybe there is an unwillingness (on either end) to meet in person, preferring to keep all communication relegated to the phone. This can happen while dating or in a relationship. It’s easy to slip into a marathon text exchange, believing it’s a fine substitute for a face-to-face conversation. Let’s say you’re on a dating app and the conversation doesn’t move past texting. You wonder if it’s going anywhere because there is no plan to meet. Maybe you’re waiting for the other person to ask, but you’re not making a move either. It becomes a frustrating game of ping pong that doesn’t go anywhere, but instead of looking at how you show up, you direct that frustration to the person on the other end of the phone. If you want a relationship to progress, you have to look at where YOU are hiding behind technology and avoiding connection. Healthy relationships require open communication. Waiting and hoping for things to change is a powerless position to be in. Instead, look at where you’re unwilling to open up (and why), then ask for what you want. It’s perfectly acceptable to say, “I prefer getting to know someone in person. Are you open to that?” If they aren’t, or they provide excuses, they probably aren’t interested in a healthy relationship and you have the choice to move on. It takes two to dance in the technology abyss, and you always have a choice in how you engage.

Some people get angry when things don’t go according to plan, believing they are owed something. This may be a successful job, great relationship, health, happiness, etc. Basically it’s an expectation that everything externally should align with what you feel you deserve. A lot of this starts in childhood, then society layers on top of it. But when you think the world has to cooperate with your expectations, you are powerless. Maybe you’re in a relationship where you expect your partner to be everything you want. You DESERVE someone who washes the dishes, buys thoughtful gifts and anticipates your needs. But when your partner fails, you get angry and maybe even tell him/her how they fall short. You criticize and blame them for your unhappiness instead of looking at your expectations and how you treat yourself. It’s a form of victimhood. Nothing is owed to anyone. If you want something, YOU need to make it happen. As long as you wait for other people to act how you want them to, you’ll be frustrated and disappointed. This isn’t about settling, which is accepting breadcrumbs because you don’t feel you deserve what you want. It’s about taking the reins, meeting your own emotional needs and making things happen. Otherwise you’ll keep riding in the backseat of your own life.

When you make a mistake or don’t want to feel bad about your choices, do you pin it on someone else? It’s their fault, they are the one to blame, they did it wrong. Not taking responsibility for your words and actions does not endear you to other people, nor draw you closer. This behavior usually manifests in avoidants who have a hard time accepting criticism and disappointing others. Instead of feeling the negative emotions around doing something wrong, avoidants prefer to put it on someone else. Let’s say your best friend organized a dinner with a few people you don’t really like. Initially it didn’t bother you so you committed to going, but as the day approached you really didn’t want to see them. Instead of dealing with your feelings and accepting responsibility for your choice, you yell at your friend for inviting them. Understandably your friend feels attacked so she tells you not to come. You get what you want (not having to go), but it could have gone much better if you were honest with her about not wanting to see those people and choosing not to go. If you want to be close to people, you have to take responsibility for your choices. When you find yourself blaming, stop and ask what you’re afraid of. Are you afraid people will know you aren’t perfect? Afraid of letting someone down? Find the fear, then speak what is true for you rather than creating stories about how someone “made” you do something. YOU are the only one responsible for your well-being.

We all know change is hard. You say you want to quit your job or get into a relationship, but you don’t take the necessary steps to get there. Something in your past has made moving forward feel unsafe, so you wait for a sense of safety to descend upon you. Only it doesn’t happen. When you wait, you give your power away to something outside yourself that you have no control over. And opportunities that once existed may be gone by the time you start to make a move. Let’s say you want to quit your job, but you wait until you feel safe enough to take the leap—maybe a sign or another job offer. Then you get fired and start to panic. You’re getting what you want, but not in the way you wanted or on your timeline. Maybe there was a job opportunity a few months back in a different industry that you were afraid to pursue and now it’s gone. Your choices are now more limited and you feel the pressure of time. If you feel yourself wanting to make a change, but are waiting for the stars to align, look at the fears that hold you back. They are likely old. Once you identify your fears, take a step toward them. If you wait for something external to change, you give your control away… and with that, potential opportunities. To get what you want, take the bull by the horns and step into the unknown. When you initiate change on your own terms you take your power back.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with Co-Founder and Chairwoman of Handel Group, Lauren Handel Zander. Lauren was always a talker and poking her nose in people’s business… something that would ultimately serve her well. But being a life coach wasn’t on her radar in her early 20s when her love life and career were both disasters. She was an environmental studies major with a hopeful heart and the best of intentions, but hated the actual work. And on the romance side of things, she lied and cheated her way through many relationships. But when someone she loved very deeply stole from her, she had to figure out who she could trust and why she didn’t see what was right in front of her. Lauren believes people who are unhappy don’t have control of their inner dialogue, so today she helps people become more aware of what that internal narrative is saying and how it affects their actions. She also teaches the importance personal integrity and the damage that results from lying. Her coaching methodology, The Handel Method®, is taught in over 35 universities and institutes of learning around the world including MIT, Stanford Graduate School of Business, NYU, and the New York City Public School System. She has spent over 20 years coaching private and corporate clients, and has been a featured expert in The New York Times, BBC and more. Learn more about Lauren and her method at HGLife Coach. She also has a free coaching tool, The Current Reality Quiz, to find out which area of your life you may need help with. Get it at: http://bit.ly/THRIVINGCRQ.

Your partner has left the building—physically, emotionally or both. Your world is slipping way, so anxiety takes over. You’re afraid you’ll never again experience what you had with this person. Even if your relationship was dysfunctional, you look at this person as your reason for living, thinking they have some specialness that’s irreplaceable. You create a bigger story about what this abandonment means, and if you don’t have a strong sense of self-worth, their leaving makes you feel worthless. These feelings aren’t rational, but they are incredibly intense and very real. Abandonment usually starts in childhood, and the really screwed up part is that you’ll continue looking for people to abandon you because it’s what you’re used to. Plus you probably abandoned yourself before your partner did. Instead of connecting with your feelings, you remained in a constant state of reaction. Everything you did was in response to your partner, rather than coming from a place of honoring your needs. Abandonment is not all about the other person. You do it to yourself all the time. So instead of focusing on why they left, connect with those awful pangs of abandonment. Stay present and ask yourself why you feel worthless. How do you show yourself a lack of value? Digging into this is important because if you don’t deal with your feelings around abandonment, you’ll keep looking for people who will leave you.

You don’t have to be alone to feel lonely. Loneliness is a sense of internal isolation which serves as protection. Instead of opening up and sharing your feelings, you retreat because it feels safer. This not only disconnects you from others, but also from yourself. True connection requires vulnerability, which is uncomfortable and the last thing you want to do. You probably feel something is wrong with you, so you put a lot of energy into pretending you’re ok. You wear your “party face,” but feel detached because you have abandoned yourself. No one would suspect you’re lonely because you do such a good job of hiding it, which isolates you even more. Let’s say you threw a party over the holidays and 20 people came, but you felt lonely and disconnected the whole time. The thought of interacting felt draining because you would have to pretend to enjoy yourself. As you watched others chit chat, you felt even more distance between you and them. You started to wonder why everyone else could have a good time, but not you. What’s wrong with you? Even though you were surrounded by people in a festive atmosphere, you felt terribly alone. Loneliness isn’t about what other people aren’t giving you. It’s your fear of connection and lack of self-worth. This can keep you stuck your whole life without understanding what you’re doing to create it. It isn’t an external problem that more friends or different social circles will solve; it’s an internal one. The first step in combating loneliness is to admit you’re lonely, and accept it as YOUR responsibility. Then it’s about digging deeper into your feelings of unworthiness and that desire to hide out. The next time you feel yourself withdrawing, take active steps to connect with someone. It may be the last thing you want to do, but vulnerable connection is the antidote to loneliness.

You say you want a relationship, so why do you feel an urge to bolt after a date? Or when things start to get serious? You think it’s because they aren’t the right one, but it has nothing to do with them. It’s about you. You’re afraid of intimacy so you sabotage, although not consciously. It’s on autopilot so you don’t realize what’s really going on. All you know is you’re not getting what you want and it’s frustrating. Maybe you’re also afraid of losing control, or you envision yourself in hellacious pain because of past experiences, so you do what you can to avoid it. Bolting before things get scary provides a momentary sense of relief, but it won’t lead to what you want. When you date with the intention of finding a relationship, but walk away judging them for parting their hair the wrong way or having a “boring” job, you are successfully talking yourself out of what you say you want. You turn small things that don’t truly matter into deal-breakers because the prospect of getting close to someone is so scary. Instead of looking at your own fear, you think your date is the problem, which lets you off the hook. The problem is, you’ll keep doing this until you realize the common denominator is you. When your actions are the opposite of what you say you want, leading you to run in the other direction, you end up hurting yourself. If you want a relationship (or anything else), you need to look at how you’re preventing it. Since self-sabotage is often unconscious, you have to go deeper and look at your fears. Then it’s about taking action TOWARD what you want, not away from it. Yes, it will be scary and that’s what you want. When you feel yourself go the other direction, revisit your fear. Then remind yourself of what you want and walk toward it.

It’s hard to be grateful for misfortune, and the suffering that results. It’s much easier to wallow in “Why me? Poor me!” than to look for the gift. The truth is, you can find gratitude in every situation. It’s being thankful for some aspect of every situation rather than only focusing on the negative. When you surrender to reality and look for the blessing, you arrive at gratitude. It’s expansive and helps you see yourself more clearly. Let’s say you lose your job. You can dwell on the situation and be pissed off, or accept the reality and look for the gifts. Maybe your next job will be better or you can start the business you’ve always wanted. It’s also a chance to look at how you showed up for the job, using it as an opportunity for growth. Perhaps your discontent was reflected in your work, or you disconnected from your co-workers. With gratitude comes opportunity because you get to be the creator of your life rather than a helpless victim. This is not about being a Pollyanna and ignoring your pain. Feel all your emotions, then look for an opening, possibility or opportunity. It’s also not about giving lip service to gratitude—that does nothing. Gratitude is a feeling that you need to connect with. Once you do, you’ll be able to see the situation more clearly and your role in it. It’s a gift you give yourself and it’s ALWAYS available.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with yoga teacher, digital nomad and lifestyle coach Chelsea Nielsen. Growing up in New England Chelsea lived a happy, stable and comfortable life… until the age of 12 when her father told her and her brother that he was leaving and not coming back. Because the family relied on him financially, her mom lost their family home and had to file for bankruptcy. Fast forward to age 29 when Chelsea separated from her husband and was suddenly flooded with suppressed memories. She recalled holes in walls, broken chairs and watching her dad push her mom to the ground. Through therapy, a yoga teacher training for trauma and depression and a dedication to feeling her emotions, Chelsea let go of external validation, the opinions of others and everything she knew to be true. She realized she was expanding and growing as an individual while her husband stayed stagnant. After the divorce Chelsea sold her belongings and started working on yachts; an interesting choice given her father was a deep sea fisherman, often at sea for long stretches of time. That was three years ago and she has been living out of a suitcase ever since, catering to guests on 5-star yachts by leading yoga, meditation and more. She also serves as a life coach, working remotely from around the world. She believes the way we do one thing is the way we do everything… so she helps clients shift from a place of lack. Learn more about Chelsea and what she offers at www.TheYogiYachtie.com.

There’s FOMO (fear of missing out), then there’s another layer where you beat yourself up over what you think you missed. When you’re attached to what could’ve been, it keeps you focused on the rear view mirror. You may find yourself reliving the missed opportunity over and over, second-guessing your decision-making. Then what happens? You start saying “yes” to what you otherwise might say “no” to out of fear, learning not to trust life. Maybe that means staying in a relationship past its expiration date. Looking back becomes an excuse not to look forward, and it keeps you stuck. This is the classic “one who got away” story. You idealize a past relationship; someone you thought was your soulmate. Things ended, but you never stopped thinking about him/her, so you’re unable to move on. Even worse, you beat yourself up for letting them slip away. Even if you start a new relationship, you’re never really happy because you constantly undermine any positive feelings by focusing on the past. And it’s not even the real relationship you’re attached to—it’s an idealized version where no one can possibly measure up. You can continue looking backwards as a way to avoid looking ahead, but you won’t find happiness in the rear view mirror. All it does is rob you of joy in the here and now. If you find yourself lamenting what could’ve been, realize you’re attached to a fantasy, not reality. Then look for the benefit to beating yourself up. Is it easier and safer to stay stuck? Is punishing yourself a pattern? Once you forgive yourself and let go, you can look ahead and start allowing joy back into your life.

Do you have trouble accepting when someone is upset with you or mad at something you’ve done? Maybe you try to get back into their good graces or go the opposite way and get pissed. Either way, a sinking feeling usually accompanies it. The knots in your stomach tighten because you think there is something wrong with you—otherwise they wouldn’t be upset. Instead of communicating, you look at all the ways they aren’t a good person. You make them the problem rather than focusing on yourself or addressing the issue. It’s a means of avoiding and it can happen in romantic relationships, with friends, colleagues, etc. You need this person’s validation, so when you don’t get it, you’re not ok. Your value is in their hands. When your self-worth relies on the opinions of others, everything they say matters. It becomes your own opinion of yourself. Because you live and die by what they think of you, you overreact and freak out when things go south. Believing you’ve screwed everything up, you’re afraid they’ll think you’re a horrible person and you’ll lose them. But self-acceptance doesn’t come from the outside. In order to feel good about yourself, you have to find your own power, separate from other people. No one can ever make you feel valued if you don’t value yourself. Any small boost you may receive externally is only temporary. The next time someone gets mad at you, resulting in that ubiquitous pit in your stomach, connect with the feeling and find compassion for yourself. Realize this is based on old stories around believing you’re not good enough. It’s not real. Giving other people power over your value is a losing proposition.

To have what you want in life—whether that’s a fulfilling job, relationship, fame, fortune—you have to upset the apple cart. That means saying and doing what is true for you and taking action from that place. It’s a willingness to step into the messiness of life instead of trying to keep everything neat and tidy. This is something everyone needs to do, but it’s especially difficult when you’re insecurely attached. The idea of doing anything that may result in loss or disappointment is too risky; better to play it safe and stick to what you’ve got. Scarcity tells you something is better than nothing. But what kind of life is that? If you’re holding back in any way, you’re afraid of upsetting the apple cart, which keeps you stuck in the familiarity of “good-enough’s-ville.” Let’s say you’re dating with the intention of a long-term relationship yet you withhold this information on a first date because you don’t want to scare him/her away. But you muster up enough courageous to ask what they are looking for, only to receive an answer you don’t like. You still say nothing about what you want, hoping you’ll still be the chosen one. You might see this person on their terms—more casually—but that’s not what you want. Upsetting the apple cart would be telling this person from the beginning you’re looking for a partner and accepting whatever comes from that. If you’re not on the same page, that’s ok. You spoke from a place of honoring what you want and have weeded this person out. To have what you want, you need to ask for it, which means upsetting the apple cart and accepting any potential loss. If you continue to play it safe, you won’t feel fulfilled; something will feel missing. Yes it’s scary, but the alternative is settling for breadcrumbs, which is not a happy place to be. And if you DO decide breadcrumbs are enough, you have to look at why you don’t believe you deserve more. When you settle, you pay a price. What is keeping quiet and playing small costing you? Is it worth it? To have what you want you need to upset the apple cart constantly.

You know those strategies you have to emotionally protect yourself from pain? Yeah, they don’t work. Because there is no such thing as emotional protection; you still get hurt, you’re still in pain. Safeguarding against it is an illusion, and half the time those same strategies actually help CREATE the pain you’re in, so the very thing you’re trying to avoid happens anyway. What are these protective mechanisms? Avoiding, shutting down, acting self-righteous, lying, violence, having a meltdown and enabling others’ poor behavior, to name just a handful. These strategies are not how you form connections with people. Let’s say you are jealous of the time your partner spends with friends, so you have a meltdown or give him/her an ultimatum whenever they go out. You think you’re protecting yourself from the pain of being abandoned, but you’re really just pushing your partner further away. Then you feel shame or guilt for what you’ve done. There is a reason you believe you can’t handle the pain you’re trying to protect yourself from, so look within to find out why that is. Do you need to make sure someone is a good person before getting close to them? If so, where does that come from? Know where your motivation is coming from. Self-protection is not the path to happiness or connection with other people. When you feel yourself engage in distancing strategies, catch yourself and do the exact opposite of what feels comfortable: open up and express what you’re feeling.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with psychotherapist, radio host and author, Kelli Miller. Kelli grew up as a bit of a control freak, believing working harder was the way to make things happen. This manifested as an eating disorder and a life plan: she wanted a boy and a girl 2.5 years apart. You probably know where this is headed… things didn’t quite go according to plan. An emergency c-section with her first son led to a series of events that challenged her illusion of control. After multiple surgeries to remove scar tissue, Kelli learned she was infertile and unable to carry another baby. Surrogacy became her beacon of hope, but that wasn’t without its own obstacles. Health scares with the surrogate where the baby’s viability was unknown for weeks sent Kelli into a tail spin, leaving her completely powerless. Fortunately things turned around and she had another baby boy, but the lessons in letting go weren’t over. Both of her sons have ADHD. Today Kelli looks back and wouldn’t change any part of her story because she believes that’s what built her strength and emotional resiliency—knowing she could handle her darkest moments and come back from it. That perspective led to writing a book about ADHD and how it can be seen as a gift. Now she helps individuals, couples and groups with various issues including ADHD, autism and addiction. More about Kelli and her practice can be found at www.kellimillertherapy.com.

When you try to control someone by berating them or giving them the silent treatment, you don’t think about the actual impact it has. You think you’ll be able to motivate them into doing what you want, but instead you push them away. Do you have a list of rules they aren’t following so you need to teach or punish them through submissive or aggressive means? You think if they would just do what you want, you would feel ok, but that’s putting your emotional state in someone else’s hands. You think you’re the strong one, but actually it makes you powerless. Sighing heavily, rolling your eyes, turning away from your partner in bed, giving the cold shoulder, name-calling, etc. are just a few ways you may try to manipulate someone into taking care of your needs. But does it actually work or do you cause them to become resistant and defensive? Instead of pulling them closer, you end up pushing them away. Healthy relationships never involve tearing each other apart; that’s not what intimacy looks like. It also deprives you of your own happiness because these manipulations are not only ineffective, they make you feel like crap. When you are angry or discontent with your partner, stand in front of the mirror and look at the person who is making you miserable. You chose this relationship, so rolling your eyes 100 times isn’t going to fix things. Instead, connect with your deeper pain and ask yourself what you need to feel better. Your emotional well-being is in YOUR hands.

We pretty much all hate whiners, so why do we do it ourselves? Maybe you use a different word like “complain” or “vent,” but it’s basically all focusing on a problem. Some people are so used to complaining, they do it even after the problem is solved—on autopilot. Or sometimes they don’t even want a solution; they are just releasing pent-up energy, frustration, anger, pain, etc. But complaining is powerless and it comes from a lack of self-responsibility and self-worth. It means you’re stuck, and it’s a way of seeking validation… but other people sure get sick of listening to it. Do you constantly complain about your job, or know someone who does? The pay is too low and the hours too long… not to mention those horrid co-workers. If you’re the one venting, what is your goal? Does it give you a feeling of superiority or self-righteousness? What are you actually doing to change the situation? Talking does nothing without action. If you’re on the receiving end, always providing a willing ear, you’re not actually helping. You’re just enabling their behavior and draining your own energy. Whining and complaining do nothing except alienate those around you. If you truly want to change your situation, action is the only way out. The next time you catch yourself, stop and feel what’s going on in your body. Is it heaviness, stress, anxiety, anger, loss of control? Accept responsibility for the fact you’re choosing this discontent. Yes, you’re choosing it. Self-responsibility is challenging; it’s much easier to spin your wheels and stay stuck in the same pattern of complaining. But then you’ll find no one wants to be around you.

When you explode on your partner, what often follows is guilt and shame. You regret what you did so you try to crawl out from the hole you just dug to pick up the pieces and get back to where you were before you exploded. Or you just stay in that hole swimming in a pool of shame. Productive, huh? Not really because you’re not making any progress. Your begging, bargaining and need for control lead you right back to square one, which you weren’t happy with to begin with. So why do you do it? Because you’re used to settling, yet afraid you won’t ever get what you want. This whole drama stems from not taking care of your own emotional needs. Maybe you say something snide to your partner like “Why don’t you just leave me?!” You hope it will lead to them confessing their undying love, but instead they shut down, lash out or leave. Whatever their reaction, you go into desperate fix-it mode, begging, apologizing and promising not to do that again. You know you overreacted and said something you can’t take back, so you panic and do whatever you can to redeem yourself. Lashing out at someone will never heal your past pain; it will actually work against you. Only YOU can deal with those pent-up feelings and take care of your emotional well-being. Before you buy a one-way ticket to crazytown, look at what underlying resentment you have built, and where you have let yourself down. Admit your needs aren’t being met: attention, love, consistency, etc. Then look for ways to give yourself what you need. No one is responsible for your emotional state but you.

When something annoys you, causing you to complain, get defensive, etc., it is a reflection of what already lives inside you. It’s a reaction to wanting something to change that you have no control over. And as long as you’re looking for someone to change their annoying ways, you give them power over your emotions. It comes from an unwillingness to take responsibility for yourself and how you perceive others. Ever notice that when you’re not feeling good about yourself, you shift your focus to someone else and what’s wrong with them? You complain about how they do things or get mad at their inherent character flaws. The thing is, we’re all annoying sometimes. No one is immune. Perhaps someone thinks you’re annoying because you’re quiet when they want you to speak up. Or you’re annoying because you drive too slow. Annoyance is a response to what is done (or not done), not the act itself. It’s based on the meaning we give to actions and what feelings it triggers inside. If someone at the grocery store is in your way and you label them as oblivious or inconsiderate, it’s an opportunity to look at where YOU are oblivious and inconsiderate. Instead of standing on your high horse, pointing fingers at others, look at why you are annoyed. What is being triggered in you? What don’t you accept about yourself? Realizing everyone can be annoying opens the door to compassion and understanding… and it may enable you to simply smile at the car who just cut you off.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with mother, writer and Soul Doula, Sarah Poet. Growing up in a religious household, Sarah’s free-spirited nature was never nurtured. She always felt there was something inside that wasn’t allowed to exist. Her act of rebellion included a relationship with an older man when she was in high school, leading to a pregnancy when she was 18. Listen as Sarah talks about giving her daughter up for adoption—something she describes as soulful, yet also took her to the depths of pain and loneliness. After the adoption, Sarah operated from a very intellectual level, disconnected from her feelings. Striving to prove she was “enough” she went back to school and collected three master’s degrees. She married, had another child and worked as a school principal, trying to excel in just about everything. Realizing she had lost herself, she reconnected with what was important, wanting to do more for the whole child. She has a relationship with the daughter she gave up, and now specializes in bringing an authentic, mindful approach to true life transformations for couples, individuals and teens. Learn more at www.yourembodiedbreath.com.

People who are insecurely attached have trouble trusting themselves because they got negative reinforcement for their choices as a kid: punishment, neglect, etc. If this is you, you are constantly looking for clues about what you’re “supposed” to do, needing reassurance around every step you make. You second-guess yourself, avoid making decisions, punish the decisions you DO make and are leery about trusting others. This results in a lot of anxiety and playing it safe because making a wrong choice could result in loss or punishment… and who wants that? If you are dating someone who is a few minutes late to meet you, or doesn’t call you back right away, you may leap to the assumption they are seeing someone else. You go off the rails because you don’t trust them, and you don’t trust yourself to handle the disappointment if you’re right. And of course you don’t ask them about it because you don’t want to know the answer; safer to keep the cat in the bag. When you don’t trust yourself, you stay stuck, afraid you won’t be able to handle the feelings around your choices. Why is trusting yourself so important? You’ll stop waiting for the other shoe to drop and will be able to trust others. It also leads to less anxiety and better decision-making because you’re not acting from fear. Each time you connect with yourself emotionally, speak your truth and make decisions from your heart (instead of staying paralyzed in your head), trust in yourself will grow.

It’s one thing to know intellectually you can’t change people, but it’s different to actually feel and accept it. Even if you tell yourself they’re never going to change, you can still find yourself angry because you want things to be different. You want THEM to be different. Maybe you unleash your hurt, sadness, pain, etc. on them through punishment. But it’s less about them and more about what you struggle with yourself. Let’s say your mom doesn’t like your spouse after 20 years of marriage and refuses to come over for holidays because of it. You want to kill her because it’s an issue every year, but you still invite her because it’s the “right” thing to do. It triggers old feelings so you scream at her when she tells you she isn’t coming to unleash your anger and frustration. You want to make her understand, but it’s fruitless. Lashing out provides temporary relief, but it doesn’t address the underlying issue. Instead, find your pain and ask what will make it better. Getting to a place of emotional acceptance will give you a sense of peace so you can stop putting energy into wishing things were different. When you hold onto hope that someone will change, you give them power over your emotional state. Look at what you want from this person that you’re not getting and why. What will it do for you? Why do you need it? Then connect with your deeper pain and give what you need to yourself. Your healing begins and ends with you.

Welcome to another podcast with my husband! The flood gates have opened. This time we’re talking about emotional availability and what an emotionally available man looks for in a woman. Of course the first part of that equation is that YOU have to be emotionally available because you attract people exactly where you are. If you aren’t open, it can feel like the well is dry. Yep, it’s about you. It’s about what you’re putting out there and what you’re open to. Once you start opening up, the available people appear. They really do. In our conversation, Dave and I will talk about our dating profiles and early dating (i.e. what we put out there). We’ll discuss what stood out for each other and what we were drawn to. I’ll ask what made him reach out to me, and when he knew he wanted a second date. Was he ever afraid of scaring me off? You hear my perspective all the time, so now I’m bringing you the other side! We’ll talk about red flags, dating rules and turn-offs. I’ll also ask him a few questions I received via Facebook and email. If you think there aren’t enough “good ones” left, it’s because you aren’t open to them. Start by breaking your rules—the conscious AND unconscious ones. Rules and strategies equals closed. Vulnerability and paying attention to how you feel equals open. Keep opening and the well will fill with possibilities.

Introducing… my husband! I always knew I would bring him on at some point (he has offered many times), so an email inquiry about how my husband and I communicate provided the catalyst. In our very first podcast together, Dave and I will walk you through a situation in which we were both emotionally triggered, and how we handled it. You’ll hear my perspective and his: what we were each thinking, feeling and saying. We’ll also share how our open communication style is different (and so much better) than it used to be. Speaking your truth is something I talk about a lot as being critical to personal growth and building your value, so we’ll be sharing what that looks like in practice. The backdrop will be a recent wedding we attended where we arrived an hour late to a group dinner. I was triggered, he was triggered… it was a big ol’ trigger fest. As you’ll see, transparent communication isn’t about coming to a resolution. The goal isn’t to make the other person understand your position or agree with you. Forget winners and losers; it’s about opening up and sharing your feelings honestly, without blame. It’s about taking responsibility for the impact your words and actions have on someone else—even if it wasn’t your intention. When you approach it with an openness to listening and sharing, communication brings you closer together. It enables you to drop the scorecard and the heaviness of holding your feelings inside. Learning how to speak and listen this way is critical to a healthy relationship and EVERYONE can do it.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with best-selling author, speaker and business owner, Bill Wooditch. Bill grew up in the backwoods of Western Pennsylvania where his mom had a singular goal: get her kids out of their dead-end factory town. His father was a strict alcoholic who never validated him, so Bill had his own mission: rebel at all costs. That meant growing his hair, smoking, drinking and working in a factory… essentially closing the door on his own future. One day as he grabbed his bologna sandwich and started off to work, he looked back at his mom who had tears in her eyes. Her worst fear had come true. Bill was on his way to nowheresville. That feeling of disappointing his mom fueled Bill to leave his factory job, go to college and change the trajectory of his life. Listen in as he shares his path to monetary success as a top sales person at a Fortune 500 Company, then to life success. He talks about the importance of transparent communication and that to find happiness, you really have to know yourself. Today Bill is on a mission to help people improve their lifestyle options physically, intellectually, spiritually and emotionally. Learn more about what he does at http://billwooditch.com/

Do you look for validation from someone who doesn’t give it to you? Each time you do this it reinforces your deeper belief that you don’t matter; you’re not important; you don’t have value. Then what happens is you draw people to you who treat you like you’re the booby prize because it matches those feelings inside. It’s a pattern that manifests as people-pleasing, perfectionism, clinging, overstepping boundaries, working hard for validation and more. When you focus on the other person like this, you give them power over your emotional state. Staying in this “booby prize” situation gives your negative beliefs evidence that this is all you deserve, strengthening them so the pattern is harder to break. If you are in a relationship with someone (either casual or serious) and you’re more concerned with what they think of you than how you actually feel, you are operating from the belief you have little or no value. It’s a familiar feeling because it already exists inside you, which is why you stay, even though it’s painful. Healthy relationships don’t operate this way. To move from booby prize to THE prize, you have to build your value… brick by brick. Shifting your focus away from someone you seek validation from can feel like moving an elephant, but you do it by consistently honoring yourself and speaking your truth. Understanding your negative beliefs and where they come from will help in making this shift and breaking the pattern. No one else can make you feel like the prize—you have to do that yourself.

Do you have a laundry list of emotions you think you can’t handle? Maybe you think you’ll be swallowed up by criticism, negative emotions, loneliness or loss—loss of a partner, status, money, job, etc. The overarching theme in all of this is disappointment. People avoid disappointment all the time because they don’t think they can deal with it, which keeps them from moving forward. It is the opposite of emotional resiliency, which is your belief that you’ll be able to handle whatever life throws you. Emotional resiliency is a HUGE turning point in emotional growth, and trust me, you want it. It’s what allows you to take risks that previously held you back. When you are emotionally resilient, you don’t end up settling because you’re coming from a place of abundance, not scarcity. You have an inner peace, knowing you’ll bounce back from whatever life throws your way. If you go through a break-up or loss, while still painful, deep inside you trust you’re going to be ok. Knowing you won’t be stuck in a pit of despair and disappointment gives you the strength to let go of what isn’t working instead of clinging to the breadcrumbs you have. Emotional resiliency leads to making better choices and taking greater risks because you have an inherent trust that you’ll survive. Building it requires a series of small, emotional steps where you’re able to see you actually CAN handle things. Each time you don’t die, you build that muscle, which gives you the confidence to try again. Each time you do it, it becomes less and less scary. And guess what? Emotional resiliency is available to all. Even if you didn’t get what you needed as a kid, you can give it to yourself as an adult by continually taking emotional risks. It’s how you change your life.

Your heart will always lead you in the right direction while your head will keep you stuck. But what happens when you get a “gut” feeling and you’re not sure whether or not to trust it? Well, sometimes what you THINK is your heart is really your head. This confusion stems from being outwardly focused. You get a wrenching feeling in your stomach, so you think you’re onto something. But no… it’s just your antennae up, scanning for problems based on old stories. When you look for clues to match a story in your head, that’s not your intuition. Maybe a past partner cheated on you so your “gut” tells you your current one is too. You start looking for evidence to prove this feeling right… he/she didn’t text back quickly enough the other night, so they must be cheating. He/she is always checking their phone when out with you, so they must be cheating. You don’t realize this is a scenario YOU are creating based on an old pattern. It’s your head looking to support your belief that you’re someone people cheat on. Your intuition doesn’t collect evidence and it doesn’t tell stories—your head does that. If you confuse your patterns with your gut, you won’t know what to trust and will double-down on those stories making them even more pervasive. It will leave you in a state of constant anxiety, thinking your gut is telling you something when it’s not, and you’ll make decisions from that feeling instead of reality. This may lead you to break up with someone you are certain is cheating (you have that gut feeling after all!), when in reality he/she isn’t. Your intuition isn’t attached to an outcome (i.e. someone leaving you)… it’s a general sense. Learn to distinguish the difference.

A lot of people have limitations that keep their dreams at bay. Sometimes these limitations are conscious, sometimes not. Your negative beliefs are part of what limits you (feeling you don’t deserve, you’re a failure, etc.), but examples set by others also play a role. You hear about regrets from others and think that’s a normal part of life, so giving up on your dream becomes a learned behavior. Without realizing it you’ve allowed these people to kill your dreams and you think it’s no big deal. WHAT? Maybe your dad had a business that did really well, then he lost it. Your lifestyle changed and he taught you that being an entrepreneur would make you poor. He regretted his decision to go off on his own and you grew up with that example. Fast forward to your adult life where you want to start your own business, but all of these old thoughts and feelings hold you back. You succumb to that fear, stay at the job you hate and give up on your dream because that’s just how life goes. It feels like the responsible thing to do, but there is still a big part of you that wants to do it. Limitations are completely self-imposed. It’s not something outside of you, and it doesn’t take a “special” kind of person. The only thing holding you back is YOU. If you have a dream you’re not pursuing, look at the fear that holds you back. Dreams result from action, so step into what you fear. By taking incremental actions in the direction of what you want, your dream will start to feel within reach.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with author, mentor and certified life coach Andrea Owen. Andrea grew up in a family where the only accepted emotion was happiness. Negative emotions were a sign of weakness, so she often believed her feelings were wrong. This led her to a tumultuous relationship with very high highs and very low lows. She didn’t listen to her intuition that told her to break things off, so instead she married a man who defined her self-worth. Planning for a family together came to a devastating halt when her husband got a neighbor pregnant and asked Andrea for a divorce. Listen as Andrea shares the truth about using blame as her coping mechanism, and how she was able to turn that around to take responsibility for her life. The skills she developed helped her through another traumatic experience: the loss of her dad. Today, as a life coach, wife and mother, she helps high-achieving women let go of perfectionism, control and isolation to choose courage and confidence instead. Find out more about Andrea and her work at http://yourkickasslife.com.

Here we are with another triangle: perfectionism, fear of jinxing things and trying to control outcomes. They all interplay and it looks something like this… to have what you want (i.e. a happy relationship), you feel you must attain perfection to ensure that outcome, and you’re afraid of doing something wrong to jinx it. To pre-empt the potential loss of that happy relationship, you hide who you are. If you believe you’re single because you aren’t perfect, then meet someone, you may think it’s because you’ve moved closer to perfect. You’re afraid of jinxing things so you hold back information about yourself. Gotta keep up that perfect appearance to hold onto the new relationship! The problem is you are still anxious and insecure inside, waiting for the bottom to fall out. You seek that quick fix validation from your partner that he/she isn’t going anywhere, but the relief is only temporary. The antidote to this triangle is openness. When you’re focused on controlling an outcome, you may think you’re open but you’re really not. That outcome keeps your perspective limited. When all of your actions are working toward trying to achieve a certain feeling, get clear on the feeling you’re chasing. Being open means taking action that MIGHT jinx things. Opening yourself and upsetting the apple cart is how you break this pattern.

Some people adapt their behavior based on what other people do. Like using emojis only with people who use them with you, or only cursing around potty mouths. Do you act differently at work than you do with your friends? How many of your daily actions are based on what other people do, or how they expect you to act? Maybe you create a file on each person in your life, pulling it out whenever you interact with them (i.e. she shakes hands, he hugs, etc.). Even micro-actions that follow someone else’s lead suggest you don’t feel safe being 100% you in every situation. Pay attention to where you look to others for safety. Do you feel the need to be gregarious and funny with some people, but reserved with others? Conforming to what you think others expect of you is not only exhausting, it can cause friction and resentment—even if you are doing it by choice. Being a chameleon is a form of self-abandonment and it comes from a fear of rejection. Emotional freedom doesn’t come from being the smarty pants at work and the daredevil with your friends. It comes from being the REAL you everywhere you go. This isn’t about breaking societal norms; it’s about living out loud instead of confining yourself to a life of quiet desperation. Being you doesn’t take extra effort, so if you’re feeling drained and depleted, look at where you are hiding or playing “follow the leader.” You may be doing it without even realizing.

Self-responsibility and self-care are critical to increasing your value. What is self-responsibility? Being responsible for ALL of your words, actions, choices and reactions. People often want to blame outside events and other people, but that makes you a victim. To be valued is to be fulfilled… to be your own best friend. If you take responsibility for yourself, you have power and authority in your life, which means you have value. Other people cannot give you lasting value, only you can by treating yourself with care. Self-care is about taking care of yourself emotionally instead of looking for someone else to do it. It is about healing what ails you. If you blame your partner for breaking up with you, that speaks to a lack of responsibility. It takes two to tango, so pointing the finger at him/her for all the problems in your relationship is a powerless position. How did you contribute? What can you own up to? You always play a role in how relationships unfold. When you feel the bottom falling out of any situation and want to blame someone or something, stop and ask yourself how you participated in getting here. EMPOWERMENT can only come through responsibility, never through blame. No one can give you something you refuse to give yourself. When you’re in charge of your choices and taking care of yourself, life is limitless; it can be as amazing as you want it to be. To take responsibility for your life, look at where you are angry or frustrated. Then look at the choices you made to get where you are. This is difficult if you don’t like your choices and have spent a long time blaming others. It’s easier to put that onus on someone else, but that’s not how you reach true happiness and joy. Owning the role you play in your own life is a much more empowering position because only then can you start to change what isn’t working.

Periods of transition (like going from single to married) can be happy and exciting, but also painful and frustrating. You have an expectation about how you should feel—all sunshine and roses, right? How could you be anything but elated to marry the love of your life? So why are you also feeling crappy and confused and anxious? It’s because your expectations are based in fantasy, not reality. They come from what you’re “supposed” to feel. But negative feelings don’t mean you’re moving in the wrong direction; they’re just part of being human. And this isn’t just about marriage. These Jekyll and Hyde emotions can happen with a new job, new house, new baby, etc. It’s normal to feel both excited and insecure when starting a new job. And moving to your dream home doesn’t mean there isn’t room for sadness over what you’re leaving behind. Some people try to minimize the negative feelings by saying, “But I asked for this! I should be happier!” It’s not black and white, so don’t give them meaning and think it’s a sign to turn back. Pay attention to all of your feelings, and look deeper for the root of the negative ones. Maybe you’re afraid of making decisions because you believe you’ve chosen wrong in the past. When you’re in transition, don’t fight the feelings you have—positive or negative. Accept and allow all of them. You have to move forward in order to grow and learn. Otherwise you stay stuck.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with money coach, author and educator Leisa Peterson. Growing up the daughter of hippie parents who were always in financial struggle, Leisa thought money was the answer to everything. Rejecting her upbringing where she felt like a misfit, Leisa pursued a lucrative career in finance, married her college sweetheart and had two kids. The outside looked perfect, and although she wasn’t happy, she didn’t question what happiness meant until her father was brutally murdered. This pivotal event sent her diving head-first into Buddhism, mindfulness and meditation… but it actually wasn’t her darkest moment. Listen in as Leisa shares her journey from lack and emotional disconnect to one of abundance (which has nothing to do with money). Today she runs a thriving business and money coaching practice in Sedona, AZ, and has been featured in the Wall Street Journal, FastCompany, Forbes and more. Leisa combines 25 years of finance experience with mindfulness practices to help men and women reconnect with their true selves while growing businesses that make the world a better place. You can find out more about Leisa and her WealthClinic at https://www.wealthclinic.com/.

When it comes to dating and relationships, people sure have a lot of timing rules: it’s too soon to talk about marriage, I can’t meet his/her parents until we’re officially a couple, it’s too late to have kids. These rules are fueled by a fear of loss and lack of trust in yourself. They serve as a crutch because they feel safe, but they can also be used to judge yourself, “Things fell apart because I did this too soon!” Your readiness should be determined by how you feel, not some artificial timeline. For example, when it comes to physical intimacy, instead of following the three-date rule, engage when you feel ready. If you’re unsure, connect with your feelings and ask why you want to (or don’t want to) be intimate. Your answer should come from inside, not from societal “norms” or what other people think is appropriate. When you learn to trust your feelings, they won’t lead you astray. It’s not a matter of when; it’s getting clear on what you want and how you feel that should determine your course. Each time you impose these external timelines it reinforces your distrust of yourself. If you’re afraid of scaring someone off or appearing needy, you have to ask yourself if you’re anticipating problems based on old stories. Someone who is emotionally available will not be scared away by open dialogue. If you feel yourself saying “It’s too soon for X,” ask what your afraid of losing. Let go of control and break your timing rules by saying what is true regardless of what the other person says or does. Trusting yourself comes from breaking old patterns and learning you can handle whatever happens.

How neat and tidy do you like to keep your life? Do job and relationship issues have to be a certain way, and do people need to fit into a particular category so you know what to expect? Black and white is predictable. Grey is messy and unknown so it’s hard to know how to act. The problem with this neat-and-tidy mentality is that it’s incredibly limiting in how you see the world and the your place in it. It’s really hard to move out of a comfortable existence if you don’t challenge your perception and your need to keep things predictable. Here is a common scenario: you’re frustrated with someone at work because you believe they’re checked out. You label them as a flake because it’s easier to know how to act around them when that is the expectation. You don’t rely on them for anything, you complain about them to others, etc. Allowing for a grey area where they may have other redeeming qualities is too messy and complicated so you throw the baby out with the bath water. Who cares if they are also great at quickly securing executive approval or clients respond positively to them. In your mind this person is a flake, end of story. When you find yourself labeling someone, stop and ask yourself why you are limiting the possibilities. What if you were to look at this person with empathy and consider what may be causing their behavior? Maybe they are afraid or in pain. When you approach a situation openly instead of through the lens of: they are a flake, you bring a different energy and allow for things to be different. Categorizing people and trying to keep things predictable doesn’t serve them… and most importantly, it doesn’t serve you.

We all have childhood pain to some extent, but we come up with ways of avoiding it or looking for something to take it away. You may set up your life to avoid feeling it by people pleasing or trying to be perfect to avoid criticism, but it doesn’t work. When you swallow your pain, you tend to strategize to make it go away, but what happens instead is that your emotional reactions are even more painful because you haven’t dealt with those feelings. You don’t realize how deep you’ve buried your pain, yet it manages to rule your life. If you have a demanding mother who is controlling and manipulative, being around her will likely send you back to your old childhood pattern with her: compliance, keeping the peace, etc. You invalidate your own feelings to fall in line with what you’ve always done. You swallow your pain, but it’s behind your words, actions and reactions. This pain is magnified if she outright denies how she treated you as a kid, leading you to believe you imagined it or overreacted. If you let your pain drive you, you’ll rely on other people to take it away or numb it, but it won’t happen because other people can never take your pain away. Turning it into blame, especially toward your parents, just perpetuates the cycle of pain. Those angry outbursts don’t actually make it go away. The only way through is to feel it. By allowing your pain to surface and tracing it back to the earliest time you felt it, you can actually let it go instead of keeping it locked inside. Understanding this old, deep pain and where it comes from can actually help heal your current relationships.

People often confuse relief with feeling good, but there is a BIG difference. Relief is external. It’s temporary and doesn’t require you to leave your comfort zone. Relief is going to a therapist as a means of catharsis—so you can vent about everything that isn’t working in your life, then leave. Sure you may feel better immediately after, but how long does it last? And more importantly, what has changed? Feeling good is internal. It comes from taking action and it actually lasts. Talking to a therapist and following that up with emotionally difficult action that stretches you outside your comfort zone may not give you a sense of relief, but it will set you down the road to feeling good. If you come home from work and your partner hasn’t taken out the trash like he/she is supposed to do, you may be annoyed. So instead of having a conversation to share your feelings around it, you end up taking it out yourself. You feel momentary relief (trash is taken care of), but also build resentment… which is the opposite of feeling good. Relief is a means of staying emotionally lazy. In the moment, it’s easier to let things slide, but there is a long-term cost associated. Relief comes from a state of reaction whereas feeling good comes from ACTION. It’s important to understand the difference so you don’t chase one thinking it’s the other. Start to notice when you are looking for relief, which is external and temporary, instead of the harder path to feeling good, which is internal and long-lasting. If you are seeking relief, stop yourself and choose a different, uncomfortable action. Feeling good does not exist at the end of a relief chain.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with yoga teacher and certified health coach, Shayna Hiller. Growing up in an affluent town in New Jersey, Shayna was desperate to be liked. This led to an eating disorder and obsessive/compulsive exercising that lasted for years. When she hit 67 pounds, she was actually proud of her achievement, but it was her mom’s reaction one morning that turned things around. As Shayna laid in bed, her mom shrieked in horror at her skeletal body because she thought her daughter was dead. From that day forward Shayna dedicated herself to getting healthy, and she has done it holistically. Today she’s a yoga teacher and health coach, leading wellness retreats around the world. Early in her adult life she lived in the jungles of Costa Rica where she experienced her most significant healing and personal transformation. Now she lives and works in Venice Beach, CA. Learn more about Shayna at www.shaynahiller.com.

People often stay in bad relationships because they are afraid of losing their lifestyle—the house, group of friends, money, vacations, etc. It’s not just losing a partner, it’s losing the whole package. The problem is, that fear is often worse than the reality and it’s used as an excuse for staying in a dysfunctional relationship. Staying provides a false sense of security… but do you want a lifestyle or a LIFE? Maybe you’re in a “transactional” relationship or a quasi-friendship with your partner. You have your routine so it works well enough to keep you there. If you were to separate, it would disrupt your kids’ life or require you to sell the house or leave you as the only single person at social events. All of this is a trade-off for a fulfilling relationship, but you believe it’s better to hold onto what you have because it’s the devil you know. Upsetting the apple cart means treading into the unknown where anything can happen, and when your fearful imagination is in charge, that could mean living in a cardboard box. When you trade your potential happiness for a sure thing that makes you miserable, you’re paying a pretty high price for the illusion of security that you’ll never actually feel. Is it easy to choose differently? Of course not. But if you’re biding your time, waiting for something to magically change, you need to ask yourself why. Look at where you make excuses and what you’re really afraid of losing. You will never feel differently until you make a choice in favor of you. A lifestyle is not a life.

Compassion is such a nice word but it’s hard to do, especially when you have an attachment to your judgmental feelings. Compassion isn’t about giving away your power. It’s not feeling sorry for someone and it’s not excusing or accepting poor behavior. It’s a state of grace that comes from love. When you practice compassion, you understand other people are flawed with their own patterns and negative beliefs, so you can allow them to be who they are. It’s similar to love in that you must have it for yourself in order to have it for others. Self-righteousness is much easier than compassion. When someone is defensive or avoids or creates their own misery, telling them what they are doing wrong may feel good in the moment, but it won’t last. Saying, “I don’t agree with you, but I understand you’re hurting and I’m here for you” is compassionate. It’s open and vulnerable and yep… it’s tough. Compassion doesn’t mean you condone someone’s thoughts or actions; it’s simply being there for them and understanding they have their own issues. When you accept the flaws of others, you feel lighter and less angry. It allows you to connect with your heart instead of your head. Punishing someone for how they may have wronged you is also self-punishing. It deprives you of your ability to let go and feel good. Compassion for others starts with you. You’re imperfect just like everyone else and that’s ok. When you open your own heart, you’re able to keep it open for someone else.

Not literally! I was raised by parents who through no fault of their own possessed no self-awareness and lived by very dogmatic rules. This resulted in creating insecure feelings, but of course I didn’t know that’s where the seeds were sown. If you were also raised by wolves (used facetiously, of course) your emotional needs were probably not met, although you sure did work hard to try. This may have led to believing something was wrong with you, as if you had some fatal flaw. But guess what? NOTHING is wrong with you. You were influenced by emotionally unavailable caregivers, growing up with an inconsistent example of what love is and how to get it. As a kid you weren’t able to see your parents as flawed human beings, but now you can see things from a different perspective. If one of your parents used to say, “We don’t like you, even though we love you,” that is absolutely going to affect your relationships. Those words play over and over in your subconscious so you do everything you can to be liked and loved… jumping through hoops, people-pleasing, over-performing, etc. If love and attention weren’t given without strings attached when you were young, you’re up against an old belief as an adult that says you aren’t deserving. Holding onto anger and blame toward your parents will keep you stuck in the same pattern with an attachment to receiving validation by all the hoops you jump through. Understand this—their behavior had nothing to do with you. It was a product of how they were raised. You can’t change your past but you CAN reframe it, leading to healthier relationships. You have a choice: be a prisoner of your childhood beliefs or take your power back and learn to give yourself what you weren’t given as a kid.

I have talked about the stories we tell ourselves, based on our experiences and negative beliefs… but what happens when you’re the star of someone else’s story? Maybe someone has decided who you are and what you’re about. If it’s negative, you may go to great lengths to prove them wrong. Maybe someone calls you selfish even though you bend over backwards to be generous. For reasons of their own, they have created a story about you, but you still do everything you can to be MORE pleasing, MORE generous, MORE of whatever you believe you fall short of. But of course you can’t control what other people think about you and trying to change their story is futile. Have you ever been there for a friend who was going through a breakup, being a shoulder to cry on, bringing meals, etc. only to hear him/her say, “No one cares about me.”? Maybe this friend thinks you should be doing more, so despite your best efforts, you feel you’ve fallen short in their eyes. Or you hear from someone else you didn’t do enough. As much as you may want to defend or redeem yourself, it won’t help. You have no control over how others perceive you. If someone doesn’t like you, only THEY can decide to change their opinion, and the best chance of that happening is just to be yourself. It’s also much less exhausting than jumping through hoops. Resigning yourself to the situation isn’t necessarily the answer either, putting up with someone who doesn’t think you do enough or ARE enough. Is maintaining your relationship with them worth the price? How is that taking care of you? If someone has a story about you, don’t try to change it. Feel the uncomfortable feelings around what they think of you, then be you regardless of what they believe.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with visual artist Col McGunnigle. As an award-winning graphic designer for 25 years, Col was at the top of her game, appearing in Vogue, Vanity Fair, Town & Country, and many other publications. So when a chronic illness hit in 2014, she was blindsided. At first she pretended she wasn’t sick, afraid no one would hire her, which led to a very dark place: lying face-down on the floor, feeling like she was being dragged behind a speeding car through ground glass. Col knew she needed to pick herself up (physically and emotionally), but felt trapped and unable to do so. Listen in as she shares how she dealt with this difficult transition, and redirected her creative energy into a new form of artistic expression. Today Col paints for herself, intuitively allowing the imagery to emerge and uplift her. Rather than viewing her illness as an enemy, she sees it as something which has taken her on a journey into the unknown. Despite her daily challenges, Col has rediscovered her joy in painting, a process that fills her with delight. It is her wish that whoever takes home one of her paintings feels the same magic she felt while creating it. Her work has been exhibited in galleries in the Hamptons, Quogue and Providence, as well as in Europe, and appears in private collections throughout the United States. For more about Col and her art, visit www.soulcenteredart.com/.

A lot of people who are insecure about their situation want to predict the future. They want to know what to expect so they are prepared. If this is you, perhaps you turn to friends, psychics, therapists, etc. to assure you everything will be ok. But why? Where does this stem from. Yep, your good old friend fear: fear of loss, fear of surrender (letting go of control), fear of judgment, fear of the unknown, etc. If you know the outcome to something, you think you can strategize the steps to get there, which is much more comforting than moving forward into the unknown. But trying to predict the future robs you of the present. If you’re in a relationship and want your partner to commit, you may cling to a fantasy future together… maybe it’s a future someone told you would happen. But then you start to cherry-pick your partner’s words and actions to support this fantasy while disregarding the rest. You think you’re working toward this outcome, but it’s by force and not necessarily based in reality. It’s ok to want a committed relationship… with SOMEONE. Focus on that while letting go of what happens to get there (or who it’s with). That’s the uncertainty part it’s uncomfortable because the future is totally unknown. Pinning your hopes on a future outcome keeps you living in a fantasy which will ultimately lead to disappointment because you’re not going to get what you want. Predictions are limiting and keep you living small. When you focus on being present and accepting the disappointments of life, you are better able to allow the future to unfold, believing it will ultimately support you. The safety you’re looking for will never come from predictions, and no one can reassure you that you’re on the right path. There are no crystal balls for relationships or any other part of life, so stop looking for answers. Instead, sit with the discomfort of not knowing what will happen. That’s where all the good stuff lives!

Defending yourself is reactionary; in response to a trigger. If someone pushes your emotional buttons you may respond with, “I did that because of X, Y, Z” or “That’s ridiculous, I would never say that.” You think you’re reacting to what someone else did or said, but you’re really reacting to something that already exists inside of you. Somewhere there is a belief that what they did or said has some validity, otherwise you wouldn’t react. Defending yourself gives the illusion of power, but really you’ve given it away because now you need to convince them of your story—the one you’re defending. If they don’t agree you get even angrier, leaving you in a bottomless pit of defensiveness. Defending yourself is heavy and a waste of time; there is no satisfactory ending. If someone follows up on something you were supposed to do—at work or home—do you feel the need to come up with excuses? Maybe you were ABOUT to send that email or water the lawn, but instead of simply saying you haven’t done it yet, you snap back with all the reasons why it isn’t done. Defensiveness stems from negative beliefs: I’m not good enough, I’m always wrong, I’m lazy, I have no value, etc. If you’re on the other end of this and someone gets defensive about what you say, recognize you’ve probably triggered a deeply held belief and don’t take it personally. It’s not about you or even the situation. When you feel yourself getting defensive, stop the conversation because it’s not going to be productive. Instead, look inside and ask what negative belief is being triggered. Defending yourself is exhausting and goes nowhere. You will never win.

When you don’t feel loveable, you may strategize to get what you aren’t giving yourself, looking for someone else to fill you up. Or you’ll manipulate a situation to compensate for what you lack. You don’t realize you’re playing a game, but you are. Games involve winners and losers; right and wrong; black and white. You think your carefully orchestrated moves give you greater value or respect, but they don’t. They only serve to satisfy your head. In a healthy relationship your partner can’t fulfill what you lack—you have to do that on your own. How often do you fight for the upper hand? Maybe you punish your partner for calling late, ignoring them when they do call. You want to teach him/her a lesson in an attempt to get your power back. Or you personalize it and blame your partner for not caring about you. And how does it feel afterward? Probably not very good. When you strategize, working toward a desired outcome, your head is in control and your heart is nowhere to be found. It stems from a lack of value. Games are exhausting and they have zero to do with love. Instead of always thinking about your next move or trying to win, look inward and connect with your feelings. Ask yourself what’s missing inside that you’re trying to fill through someone else. Replace blame with self-responsibility. Where did you go against yourself to get where you are? Where did you close yourself off emotionally? Games stop when you open up and let go of control.

If she wasn’t such a control freak, everything would be fine. When he finally leaves his wife we’ll be happy. If he/she would just commit a little more, everything would be perfect. How often does “happily ever after” hinge on that ONE thing? You hold on for it to change because why throw away a good relationship just because of something that’s fixable, or may resolve itself over time? The problem with hanging on for that “one thing” to change is you are not seeing the big picture. You’re using it as an excuse because even if it did change, you would probably find a different problem to focus on. It’s easier to point at one issue because then you don’t have to address the real reason you’re choosing to stay. When you fixate on a problem or make excuses for it, hoping it will cease to be an issue, you are settling for an unfulfilling relationship. Instead of focusing on that one problem, look at your relationship as a whole. Take responsibility for where you are and why you’re settling for semi-functional. Complaining keeps you in victimhood where all of the responsibility for change lies with the other person. Where is the power in that? The next time you find yourself saying, “When X finally happens, everything will be great,” stop yourself and feel what’s going on in your body. Do you feel a disconnect between what you say and what you feel? Why are you saying you’re ok with the current situation when you’re not? What are you unwilling to accept? Solving situational problems is not the answer. Get deeper and start having authentic conversations with your partner about how you feel and what you want.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with best-selling author and founder of the School of Feminine Magnetism, Jacquie Somerville. Before Jacquie found her true self, she succumbed to societal pressures about marriage and kids, ending up the wife of a gay man. As she started connecting with her heart and challenging the status quo, she discovered something important: the more she fought against herself, the more disasters happened. This all culminated in a very dark day that upended her life. Listen in as Jacquie shares how she worked through this horrifying time and came to a place of acceptance. A natural born storyteller, Jacquie Somerville is bold, irreverent and funny. She teaches women to live gloriously by answering their calling, loving big and having undying faith. Jacquie draws on a lifetime of challenging and rewarding experiences, believing the keys to a successful life include following your heart and honoring the calling of your soul. She shows audiences and clients how to let go of the struggle and become irresistible magnets to a fulfilled life of love, prosperity, passion and purpose. Learn more at www.jacquiesomerville.com.

How often do you think you know what your partner is going to say or do? And how often do you act based on that assumption? Trying to read someone’s mind in attached relationships is often tied to a fear of loss. If you’re afraid the relationship may end or waiting for the other shoe to drop, you may try to preempt it by staying a step ahead of what your partner is thinking. Of course you’re not inside their head so you can never really know what they’re thinking, so this is all based on assumptions. It’s also a sign that transparent communication is nowhere to be found. If you sense your partner pulling away, you may spend a great deal of time trying to figure out what he/she is thinking and feeling. Of course you don’t ask them because you’re afraid of the answer so you play detective and draw conclusions. Maybe you talk to your friends about the possible scenarios and determine what the reason must be. Then if your partner says they want to talk to you, your whole body goes numb because you’re convinced a breakup is coming. Instead of letting the conversation unfold, you try to control it by saying how wonderful they are or how much you’re looking forward to some future plan. You are acting from this fearful place based on an assumption about what they’re thinking, which may have zero to do with reality. Healthy relationships do not involve mind reading. I don’t care how in sync you are, you are not inside someone else’s head. When you’re focused on what your partner is thinking, you spend all your time reacting rather than focused on yourself and what you want. So how do you stop being a fortune teller? Talk to your partner. Ask what’s going on. You may find your fear is totally unfounded. And if it's not, jumping through hoops to avoid the break-up conversation is not a happy, anxiety-free way to live. Put the focus back on you and open up the dialog.

Just hearing the word vulnerability makes some people run for the hills. But why is it so scary? Because it feels unsafe and people think vulnerability equals a loss of power or becoming a door mat. So in an effort to hold onto the upper hand, they want the other person to go first (show me yours and I’ll show you mine!). But vulnerability is actually empowering. It is at the core of everything, and it is has nothing to do with winning or control. It also has nothing to do with oversharing, which is about validation. Vulnerability is unfiltered authenticity; not holding back what you truly feel, and sharing it. When you open up and speak your truth, you’re vulnerable. When you share how you feel as a means of connecting with another person, you’re vulnerable. When you stop hiding and expose your flaws, you’re vulnerable. Healthy relationships can’t exist without the “v” word. When my fiancé triggers one of my negative beliefs, I have to admit all those cringy, screwed up feelings that were stirred up, which is the last thing I want to do. But we’ve both chosen to be in a healthy relationship which means opening up instead of shutting down. It’s hard and uncomfortable, but I feel so much better afterward and it brings us closer together. When you avoid vulnerability, there is an undercurrent of what was left unsaid. It leads to sabotaging behaviors and feeling crappy. So when you’re at that crossroads, feeling you should open up but want to run for the hills, look at what you’re afraid to talk about or admit. Then ask yourself why. Is it fear of not being accepted, abandoned, appearing weak, losing control? Something in your past made you feel opening up was unsafe. You don’t need to suddenly crack wide open to practice vulnerability. Start small. Reveal parts of yourself that scare you and sit with the discomfort. Each time you open up you build that muscle.

You think you’re afraid of losing a relationship, job, friendship, money… losing something. But what if I told you your fear isn’t what you think it is? That actually, it’s not about the actual loss. It’s your feelings around the loss you’re afraid of. It’s not your fear of being alone. It’s how you’re going to feel about being alone and what that says about you; how you might be judged. So instead of facing that fear, you stay in an attached relationship. You avoid the feelings around what you fear, but end up creating the circumstances to support it. Your fear is about the future. It’s about what you THINK will happen and the feelings associated with that. But that fear keeps you stuck. It can be paralyzing and the only way out of the trap is to step into the fear. Put yourself in that scenario and ride it all the way to the end, then connect with those feelings. If you end up alone with 12 cats, feel what that would be like. If you fear being judged by others, feel the anticipated ridicule. You’ll likely find that what you fear is actually something you can handle. And once you can accept whatever outcome may happen, you set yourself free.

The best way to change anything in your life is through surrender, whether that be a relationship, job, house, etc. Doing things the same way you’ve always done them doesn’t lead to different results. If you’re arguing with the circumstances around you, you’re not open to receiving what you want. You’re not open to what the road looks like. It’s going to be different than you imagined. Keeping everything the same and waiting for the universe, God or your fairy godmother to deliver what you want isn’t how change works. Let’s say you want a relationship, but everything you’re doing feels like drudgery. Been there, done that! With your focus on what might be wrong with a potential suitor, everyone you encounter online becomes a loser. You complain on the one hand, wondering why you are attracting them, yet hope something will magically shift and you’ll meet the perfect person while continuing to do the same things. This keeps you in a state of struggle with yourself and everyone else. Surrender means to let go of struggle; to stop pushing, fighting and complaining. Surrender is knowing where you want to go, taking steps with self-awareness, but not knowing how you’ll get there. This doesn’t mean you’ve given up; quite the contrary. When you surrender, you’re actually participating in the change you want to happen. It’s time to be curious instead of judgmental. Surrender is counterintuitive for people who believe they need to put more effort into it mentally, instead of allowing and opening up emotionally. Does more effort ever lead to emotional fulfillment of what you want? If you’re not getting results, isn’t time for an easier way? Surrender doesn’t mean you’ve left it all up to chance… you have to be clear on what you want. The universe is always a reflection of what is within you so if you’re clear, committed and willing to let go of what will lead you there, change will happen.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with Holistic Life coach Elli Richter who helps people feel, heal and deal so they can live a fulfilled, healthy and successful life. In her mid-30s, Elli thought life’s hurdles were behind her: an eating disorder, self-sabotage and overall self-destruction. But when her husband of 12 years told her he had been unfaithful for 10 of those years, her world collapsed. Married at 23, he was her everything. Elli had to learn not only how to be on her own, but how to be an emotionally supportive friend to herself. She discovered the importance of a holistic support system with coaching plus reiki, acupuncture, sound baths and other physiological means to calm the nervous system. Now Elli coaches her clients in person, or via phone, and also offers yoga classes, groups, mini retreats, moon rituals, sound bath meditations and movement classes to support people in the manifestation of their dreams. She holds two college degrees in Physiotherapy, and Health Education, is Ayurveda and Reiki certified, and uses a holistic and proactive approach to help her clients live a downstream life by design. She lives in beautiful downtown Charleston, and spends part of the year in her home country of Germany. Learn more about Elli at www.ellirichter.com.

When in an attached relationship, do you feel like you’re owed something? Maybe you rescue or fix, but don’t get back what you feel you’re entitled to… so you get pissed off. You may not even know where that anger comes from until you start digging a little deeper. Then perhaps you discover it came from childhood when you felt helpless for everything you couldn’t control. You looked to your parents, the authority figures in your life, as having all the answers, and of course they set the rules. Perhaps they never saw you as you really were, and you did what you could to gain approval. You may have worked hard to get it and underneath it been hurt and angry that you were not feeling love just for being you. Now your anger is directed at your partner for what validation they don’t give you. Once you realize this anger actually makes you a victim, because you are hanging in the balance waiting for something from someone else, you can instead take responsibility for your choices and become your own rescuer. Look at everything you complain about; do you think everyone else is selfish? If so, you need to turn the mirror on yourself. What are your expectations that keep you in this place? That anger runs deep and it causes a lot of discontent, especially in relationships. It can surface in the present when really it is built up from the past. If you always felt like the “lesser” sibling as a kid, then as an adult if that same sibling does something to upset you, you may fly off the handle because of how you’ve always felt. Or maybe you become a martyr, trying to win back some of that affection you didn’t get as a kid, which just leads to resentment. Either way, it’s old anger. Blame and anger go together so the longer you hold onto it, the worse you’re going to feel. Even if you think they “deserve” it, you’re still the one who suffers. Letting go of the anger means taking responsibility for your choices. If you feel owed, what actions did you take to put yourself in that position? If you were giving without an expectation of something in return, you wouldn’t be keeping score. Speak your truth about your choices and the actions that resulted: assuming, people pleasing, rescuing, etc. Self-responsibility is the path to releasing your anger and having more content, connected relationships.

t’s amazing how many people seek respect from others, yet don’t know how to respect themselves. This happens in relationships or all sorts: romantic, friends, parents, kids, colleagues, etc. In these cases, a fear of loss is at play. When you’re afraid of losing the relationship, you might walk on eggshells, stay quietly angry (then explode into a rage) or become a doormat. In each case you feel powerless because that fear of loss supersedes everything else. If your mother always talked to you in a demeaning manner, like there was something wrong with you, you might feel the only way to get respect from her is to lash out from time to time. Most of the time you swallow your feelings and take the punches, but every now and then you feel the need to “stand up to her” and say she’s a horrible mother. As long as you keep focusing on her behavior and trying to get her to change, you’ll continue in this pattern of hurt and blame. The only way to get respect from others is to respect yourself first. In an interesting twist, people disrespect themselves because they’re afraid of losing the relationship, but end up losing the relationship BECAUSE they’ve disrespected themselves. They end up creating what they fear. When you start valuing yourself, you’ll attract people who value and respect you. When you catch yourself seeking respect from someone, ask what you want for yourself. Where are you not taking care of you? Respect isn’t something you can force on another person, either through bullying or subservience. It always starts with you.

In attached relationships where you seek attention, you may actually be creating tension. Tension is a dramatic feeling—looking for what’s wrong, being pulled in a particular direction, intense chemistry, etc. Tension is fleeting, meaning if you use it to get attention, it won’t last. Genuine attention is given without pulling on it; without an attachment to the outcome. You don’t have to do anything to get it; simply being yourself and breathing is enough. Doesn’t that sound a lot easier and less dramatic? In a healthy relationship you don’t have to jump through hoops to get someone to pay attention to you. This sort of tension happens all the time in attached relationships. Let’s say you’re living with someone. You cook dinner and clean up after, yet your partner doesn’t acknowledge the work you’ve done. You’re tense and anxious because you have an expectation: attention in the form of appreciation. When it doesn’t come you feel angry and depleted. Or if someone does something nice for you and you don’t feel you deserve it, you’ll create tension by arguing, distancing, playing games, etc. You can’t accept genuine attention so you create tension to make sure you’ve worked hard to earn it. What underlies this need to create tension is a feeling of undeserving. You don’t believe you’re lovable, worthy, good enough, etc. so it’s uncomfortable to accept any form of attention without creating obstacles to climb over. If you’re in a relationship where you feel you need to prove something, ask why you deserve to suffer. What is so horrible about you that you can’t just be? Each time you perform for attention you feed your lack of value. To break the cycle and actually BUILD your value, stop any action you’re doing to create tension. Stop the performing. Stop the drama. Take care of your own needs and sit with the discomfort of receiving attention simply for being you.

You want to be who you are, but you’ve learned that conforming is safer. Perhaps you felt shame as a kid for being “different” or doing something “wrong” so you brought that into adulthood where you did everything you could to avoid that feeling. You’re smart when you’re with your smart friends, and cool when you’re with the cool ones, blending in to whatever the group dynamic is. This can happen with counter-culture as well, thinking you’re being weirdly yourself. Then you accidentally say something “normal” and your weird friends think you’re… well… not weird enough. This need for conformity doesn’t originate in society—it comes from inside and your fear of rejection. At some point in your life being YOU felt risky. It is certainly fine to be around other people with similar interests. Nothing wrong with that. It’s when you feel the need to hide parts of yourself in order to belong that it becomes inauthentic. Your tribe needs to be created from within, even if it’s a party of one. And guess what? It won’t be a party of one forever because you’ll start attracting other people who accept themselves as they are, even if they are totally different from you. Being you creates the space for opportunities. When you deny who you are to gain acceptance from others, you build prison walls around yourself. For the people who listen to my podcast, I don’t want them to be like me. I want them to be like THEM. My greatest wish is for everyone to be who they are and let their freak flag fly. There is no joy or freedom in hiding parts of yourself. If you enjoy peanut butter and pickle sandwiches, eat them out in the open! If you love jazzercise, rock those leg warmers! If you tell bad jokes, be known as the person who tells bad jokes… it’s ok. When you are authentically yourself, you allow other people to be authentically themselves. Isn’t that a tribe you’d rather belong to?

Do you think you can control how someone feels about you by what you do or say? Say the right thing and you’re golden; say something wrong and he/she might leave. This leads you to judge and second-guess EVERYTHING, wondering when you’ll say something to drive them away. You walk on eggshells, which is no kind of fun. Thinking you can affect how someone else feels about you by your words or actions gives you a false sense of control, and it’s a breeding ground for anxiety. This is classic behavior for an insecurely attached Anxious type. Think back to a time when you were on a date or with your partner and things were going well until you said something that caused him/her to give you a funny look. How did you react? Did you continue with the conversation, totally unfazed, or did you try to recover by saying something witty and charming? If you went with the latter, you probably felt a sudden loss of power so you started scrambling to gain the upper hand. The flaw in this strategy (and yes, it’s a mental strategy) is you cannot control how someone else feels about you. Period. You can perform like a circus seal until you’re blue in the face and that still won’t make someone feel a certain way. If you’re afraid of rejection and trying to guard against that, ask yourself why you think you deserve to be rejected. Do you believe you’re meant to be alone? Your time and energy are much better spent digging into those questions and negative beliefs than trying to protect yourself from rejection externally. The strategies you employ with other people are manipulative (even if there isn’t malintent), and they simply don’t work. The next time you catch yourself going into super charm mode because you think you said something wrong, stop yourself and sit with the fear and discomfort of not knowing what will happen. An emotionally available person isn’t going to run away because of something you said. Anyone who does isn’t someone you want to invest in anyway.

Have you ever had a conversation that went perfectly in your mind, but emotionally you held back in some way so you ended up with a stomach ache or unable to sleep? Your conscious mind gave you the thumbs up, but your subconscious knows you didn’t honor yourself emotionally, so your body reacted negatively. This happens when your head and your gut are out of alignment, and it can manifest in different ways: insomnia, back pain, loss of appetite, stomach ache, etc. It’s a sign you’re going against yourself. When someone flakes on plans and you tell them it’s no big deal (but really you’re hurt or disappointed), you might get a tightening in your body. Perhaps it doesn’t happen right away, but later you find yourself stiff or not wanting to eat. Pay attention—your body is saying you’re not at peace with things. There’s a conflict going on. Listening to your head while ignoring your body will leave you stuck in a repetitive cycle of discomfort. Whenever you try to mentally manage situations without checking in with your feelings, you’re causing yourself more trauma. Instead, look at what you’re trying to control and do a body check. Pay attention to any tightness or pain, then connect with your feelings. Can you allow them to surface? Shoving them down will prolong your suffering. And next time, speak your truth, even if it means telling someone you’re hurt. Honoring your feelings will keep your head and body in alignment so you feel mentally, physically and emotionally better.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with Transformational Health and Wellbeing Coach Sarah Phipp. As a child, psychological and emotional problems led to ill health and a strong desire to control everything. It wasn’t until her early years of motherhood that repressed memories of sexual abuse surfaced. Listen in as Sarah takes us through these moments, and what she learned about healing coming from a different level of consciousness. Now in the best health of her life, Sarah runs a busy practice sharing her years of knowledge gained from extensive training in health and nutrition, and the psychology of health and wellbeing. Her particular interest has always been focused on the mind: body connection, recognizing the importance of how we create our experience from our state of mind and how this affects the body’s physiology. This groundbreaking approach teaches a new paradigm in psychology that helps clients de-clutter and quieten their minds to tap into their own powerful intuition. Learn more about Sarah at www.sarahphipp.com.

You’re a superstar! You’re smart, witty and you’ve heard it from everyone: they say you’re a catch! So why haven't you met anyone? Your friends don’t get it and neither do you. The bigger question is, who are you presenting yourself to be? Is it your true self or someone you’ve invested in making into a perfect you? You may be afraid the real you will be rejected, and perhaps you were a long time ago. So you’ve invested a lot of energy into molding yourself into someone different, working hard to be the version of yourself you think someone will want. This happens a lot with insecure attachment, stemming from a lack of value. Don’t stress about that as many of us don’t have a clue about self-worth! To gain validation, you’ll twist yourself into a pretzel, then get mad at yourself for doing so. You go back and forth between the real you and the not-so-real you, not even realizing you’re doing it. It’s a great strategy for keeping emotional intimacy at a distance… and scratching your head as to why you never have the relationship you want deep inside. I’ve been there! Hiding and performing will not lead to an authentic, emotionally available relationship. You are rejecting the real you before anyone else can get close. When you catch yourself acting like a superstar, look at the parts of yourself you’re rejecting. You’re overcompensating. Being you is never about exerting extra effort—the insecurity you feel is motivating it and it’s just looking for validation. It will leave you stuck in a constant battle with yourself. Ask why you’re ignoring who you really are. How much effort are you willing to put into creating this superstar version of yourself? And more importantly, is it even working? Is it leading to the relationship you want? Instead of complicating things, look for the ease and show up as the flawed human you are. It’s time to chill out. No effort needed to be you.

Most people who seek help in the form of coaching, therapy or even a friend are looking for relief from their pain. Some want someone to fix their problems and make them feel ok; the responsibility falls on the helper. Unfortunately that’s not how change and growth works. Unless YOU do the work, nothing will change. Some people will say, “I tried that 10 years ago and it didn’t work” as an excuse to stay stuck. It’s the opposite of empowerment when you put the responsibility for your life outside of you. Whatever help you seek will only go as far as the work you’re willing to do on yourself. This was totally me back when my marriage broke up and I saw a therapist. My goal in therapy was to prove that I was right and my husband was wrong. I had no interest in taking responsibility and owning my role. My focus was on my therapist, not me, which was a huge barrier to change. Years later when I sought out a business coach, I did so because I wanted her to fix me. I didn’t know what real work was, and that I actually had to do it. In both cases I was disappointed because I put the responsibility on them. YOU still have to do the work, which requires emotional change to break a pattern held by a negative belief. Those who have walked a similar path can lead the way based on their experiences, but they can’t reach inside you to force change. It’s hard when you mentally feel you’ve done it all and nothing is different. It can make you feel resistant to doing the work (yup, I’ve been there too). If you’re not in a place where you’re willing to do the work, it might be better not to seek help because you will become your own barrier. And if you do want help, get clear on your expectations. No one can fix you but you can choose to be open to doing things differently.

If you’re constantly looking back at what didn’t work in past relationships as a current issue, you’re holding your own noose. Using the past to create stories like “there are no good men/women out there” or “everyone else is able to have a healthy relationship except me,” keeps you from having healthy relationships because even though these stories are not true, you make them true. Each new relationship is colored by what you tell yourself, so you repeat the same patterns and stay stuck. If you think you only attract narcissists, you will unconsciously go to great lengths to prove yourself right. Or if you think everyone you date starts out wonderful in the beginning, but eventually turns into a demon, you will recreate that in each relationship. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yes, your beliefs are that powerful! When you’re stuck in your story, you are closed to love. You’re too busy living that story to see outside of it. There is no emotional openness to allow for something different. There is no positive power in victimhood or thinking the universe is against you. It is YOU who creates your reality. Once you are aware of what’s going on in your head, you can choose to perpetuate your stories, believing they are true, or you can challenge your perception. What if what you believe isn’t true? What if you are just as capable and worthy of finding a healthy relationship as anyone else? There are many ways to stand in your way of having what you want, and clinging to those stories where you bring the past forth is one of them. Become aware of what your stories are, and let go of what is working against you.

It’s hard to see yourself as you are. You may only see the same old image of yourself doing the same things, having no clue what is actually going on at a deeper level. You don’t want to admit you’re jealous or insecure or an outsider. So when other people trigger those feelings in you, it shows you what you don’t accept in yourself. If you get upset that someone is screwing in a light bulb wrong, they may reflect where YOU feel wrong. Other people can be a great tool for personal growth if you see the opportunity. Your reaction to what they do or say can help you know yourself better. They show you how you treat yourself and how you treat others. Remember, one finger pointed at someone is one finger pointed back at you. There’s always room to take responsibility. Responsibility for yourself is empowerment, so the clearer you can see yourself, the more ability you have to stop doing certain behaviors. If your significant other is jealous of the time you spend with your friends and you get defensive, look at why you’re having that reaction. What is he/she revealing about your own jealousy? Maybe you don’t like that they spend too much time at work. If you don’t feel like your partner makes time for you, you may bristle when he/she reacts to you doing something similar—like spending a lot of time with your friends. They become a mirror for you. Use this as an opportunity to look at yourself from a different perspective. When you ignore these clues from other people, you stay stuck in victimhood, unable to see yourself clearly. It’s much easier to say it’s all about them and has nothing to do with you, but where is the power in that? You can remain blind and blame other people or you can use your reactions as chance to ask yourself what’s really bothering you. You only react to what already lives inside you, so dig into what that is and increase your empowerment.

In this episode of “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” I talk with Relationship Intimacy Expert, Allana Pratt who inspires open-hearted, unapologetic living with delicious sass. With an alcoholic father and co-dependent mother, Allana grew up looking outside herself for safety. Then, when faced with two premature deaths of loved ones, she saw two paths: shut down or keep an open heart. Her choice for the latter helped Allana through the even darker moments ahead, where she has been able to look for the gift and shine in the face of it all. Allana Pratt is a featured weekly contributor on the GoodMenProject, expert on CBS, TLC, FOX, Forbes, People and Huffington Post, this cum laude graduate of Columbia University is the author of four international books, and coached Leeza Gibbons during Dancing with the Stars. Host of the sexy empowering Podcast “Intimate Conversations” to guests like Grammy Award winning Alanis Morissette, over 2.7 million viewers on Youtube look to Allana when struggling to trust again after a harsh breakup. You can find her at http://allanapratt.com/.

You may not have awareness when it comes to your actions impacting other people—I sure didn’t! On the one hand I would try so hard to make an impact, and on the other I would feel/believe I had no impact. It actually kept me trying harder and harder, and it was always surprising when I found I made a difference. I thought I was altruistic in teaching them, but if I am honest, I was really strategizing. Maybe you think you’re doing someone a favor by nudging them toward something that’s good for them, or toward something you think they want. Most of the time it really isn’t about them. It’s about you and what you want. Let’s say you’re encouraging your partner to go back to school because it will help them get a better job. After all, they hate their job, so this is their ticket out. But you have to ask yourself if it’s REALLY for them, or if you have your own motivation. Do you want more stability? A more comfortable lifestyle? You may be trying to create what you want because you see yourself as an extension of their success or failure. You feel it is a reflection on you. Plus you may feel you need to perform to keep them around. If you teach them, perhaps they will love you more. Any form of control over someone else is an illusion. No amount of force or manipulation (even if it’s well-intended) can make people do what you want them to. They are going to make their own choices, and resisting that just results in struggle. It’s also a road to disappointment. Instead of putting energy toward influencing someone else’s choices, focus on making good ones yourself. When you do that, what other people do ceases to matter as much. You’re comfortable letting things be as they are. If you find yourself unable to accept your partner’s choices, ask yourself why it’s so important to you. Is it really about what you want? What are you afraid to lose? Happiness doesn’t exist at the end of your orchestrated plan. Give yourself what you’re trying to get from them and allow their choices to be what they are.

We often confuse nature with nurture thinking we’re built a certain way and that’s what we have to work with. We have a certain bar for everything—happiness, wealth, success, emotional availability, energy, etc., believing it can only go so high. But what if that weren’t true? What if that was just your limited perspective? These bars have been set throughout your life, many of them in childhood. If your parents had a bad marriage and that’s what you saw, your idea of happiness is based on that. The bar has been set. Energy works similarly, and it’s a good indicator of where you go against yourself, inhibiting your growth. If you didn’t feel important as a kid, you likely started people-pleasing and performing for attention. That kind of behavior depletes your energy, so you got used to operating at a low level. Your bar was set. Then you looked for external ways to fill your energy back up in the form of validation, but that’s a cheap form of energy and it doesn’t last. Giving to yourself before you give to others is one way to fill yourself up with quality energy. As you continue doing that, you will start to raise your energy bar. This can be uncomfortable because it’s not what you’re used to, so there is a tendency to dispel this additional energy. This is when people-pleasing and perfectionism come back into the picture, slowing your growth. Pay attention to when this happens. Low energy is not normal and it CAN be raised, but it’s an inside job. To raise your energy internally, you have to stop going against yourself. You have to avoid people-pleasing, performing for attention, assuming, taking responsibility for other people’s actions and anything else that is externally-focused. Instead of looking outside of you, ask what you can give yourself. How can you show yourself loving kindness? Energy is built through self-love, and it’s how you will raise your bar to the point you never thought possible.

There is an epidemic of comparison in our culture. You look at others, wondering if you’re ever going to get it “right.” Your inner critic is on overdrive, resulting in a lot of self-judgment. Maybe you look at other people and their relationships, wondering how everyone else keeps finding quality partners while you only attract the dregs of society. Or perhaps you judge yourself at work when someone younger than you is at a higher level. Whatever the situation, the theme is the same: They’re doing something right and you’re doing something wrong. In my early days of coaching I looked at how other coaches were marketing themselves, thinking I needed to be exactly like them to succeed. I looked at celebrities who got divorced and remarried all while I was still single, thinking, “What is WRONG with me?” I beat myself up over my parenting style when looking at those who I thought were doing it better. Whatever it was, my inner critic kept telling me I was doing it wrong. As long as I lived my life in comparison, I was filled with anxiety. There was no connection to myself because I was hyper-focused on what was happening outside of me. Looking externally for validation does nothing for your happiness. It keeps you in a state of wanting rather than accepting where you are. Acceptance doesn’t mean you’re happy with your current situation, it just means you’re not in resistance to it. When you embrace the flawed, horrible parts of yourself, you stop comparing and move to a place of greater inner peace. So what if that celebrity is on marriage #2 and you’re still waiting for #1? You have no idea about that person’s situation. Stop assuming people who have what you want are happier than you. Instead of wanting someone else’s life, wouldn’t it be better to create the life YOU want?

People hear, “Don’t attach to outcomes” and think that means they can’t have goals. Not true. As with most things in life, it’s not that black and white. Setting goals is important to move you in the direction you want to go, but they need to be flexible. Fixating on exactly what you want to happen, with who and when, limits what’s possible. Perhaps the way you get to your goal is completely different from what you envision. Or maybe your goal morphs into something else completely. If you focus too much on a particular outcome, you may pass up all sorts of opportunities. Plus, what some people think is a goal is actually an outcome. Let’s say your goal is to get married. You have to ask yourself why on a deeper level. If it’s because you want to be in a loving, lifetime partnership with someone, that’s really the goal. Marriage is just a possible outcome. What truly drives you? Is it internal (a loving partnership) or external (validation)? Holding onto the internal while letting go of the external is what it means to have goals without attaching to outcomes. A goal provides a course of action; something that moves you forward. It brings a world of opportunities, as long as you do not see things as having to work out a certain way. It’s not something rigid to narrow your possibilities. When you get deeper with yourself and focus on the reasons for your goals, you may realize those reasons are your actual goals. Understanding your motivation will move in the direction of what you want without being attached to how or even IF you get there. When you assign meaning to your goals (i.e. what achieving it says about you), it’s likely an outcome. Goals are journeys, and they come from the inside.

Welcome back to my video interview series, “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” where I interview people about an emotional low point in their life and how they worked through it. In this episode I’m talking with Dr. Margaret Paul, a bestselling author, relationship expert and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® self-healing process. Margaret talks about how over-giving to others, fueled by her fear of losing everyone, was making her sick. When she finally decided to choose herself by saying no to others, her biggest fear came true. Learn how living through that opened the door to a new paradigm for work and life. Margaret has appeared on numerous radio and television shows, including Oprah. Her book titles include "Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By You," "Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By God," "Healing Your Aloneness," "Inner Bonding" and her recently published book, “Diet For Divine Connection.” Margaret holds a PhD in psychology and has successfully worked with thousands over the last 50 years. You can find her at https://www.innerbonding.com/.

If you romanticize other peoples’ relationships, not understanding why you can’t meet anyone, you have to look at where you’re unwilling to take emotional risks. It can feel hard to find what you see as an impossible ideal reflected in what other people have. It keeps you from moving forward. In essence, it keeps you playing it safe. Playing it safe by repeating the same, familiar patterns keeping you stuck and reinforcing your negative beliefs: I’m meant to be alone, I don’t deserve a relationship, there are no good men/women out there, etc. The voice of those beliefs is never positive—it wants to keep you safe from the risk of pain. Intimate relationships require… intimacy. They require the discomfort of vulnerability. To have a true relationship, you have to want it more than you’re afraid of it. I was a commitment-phobe for YEARS and didn’t know it. I said I wanted a relationship, but did everything to make sure I didn’t have one. I created a lot of stories about dating, not realizing they were just excuses because I was so afraid of pain and getting stuck in the wrong relationships. When I did meet someone, there were usually a bunch of red flags that I ignored, moving ahead because I didn’t want to be alone. And of course, subconsciously, I chose them because I knew I would never be stuck for long. When things fell apart, I was disappointed yet relieved at the same time. This was my pattern, and it was safe because I knew how the story would end. Unfortunately it also reinforced my beliefs that I wasn’t good enough and was meant to be alone. Eventually I realized if I wanted a different outcome (i.e. a healthy relationship), I had to date differently. I had to face my fears. Dating became about curiosity, being open and paying attention to how I felt rather than reacting to my date. It changed everything. If you think you’re open to a relationship and willing to take emotional risk yet can’t find a willing partner, you’re not truly open. I promise you, when you really are open, you will be in a relationship. And you do not have to be very open—just a bit. Available people attract available people, so if you keep encountering unavailable people, you have to look at where you’re emotionally closed. It’s not about the other person; it’s about your fears, patterns and negative beliefs that are keeping you where you are. Stop waiting for cues from someone else to make you feel safe. Be transparent, ask questions, speak your truth. When your fears come up (and they will), learn to spot them. Then, step into them. That’s how you break your patterns, open yourself up and meet someone else who is truly open.

Secrets don’t protect you from loss or being rejected—they alienate you. The keep you from being emotionally present and available. A secret is a lie you tell over and over again with each new person or situation, reinforcing it each time. It’s a specific form of hiding that causes shame, and it’s a heavy load to carry. Secrets also create a lot of collateral damage when they get out; people feel betrayed and it creates distance. We tell ourselves secrets do no harm if we keep them locked tightly inside, but this is never the case. They hurt us and they hurt others. There are a million secrets people hide: secret lover, secret drinker/eater, fetishes, plastic surgery, growing up poor, health conditions, living with your parents, debt, etc. Some people are so afraid of their secrets being revealed because of the shame associated that they take them to the grave. Unfortunately they steal from you and the people you love. Shameful secrets are the source of guilt, pain, anxiety, depression and a life unlived. Secrets are the complete opposite of authenticity, and most people aren’t aware of the destruction they cause—whether they are revealed or not. Even “small” secrets are damaging because they suck your energy and keep you in a place of hiding where you can never be your true self. You convince yourself it’s not a big deal if it doesn’t impact others (I had a nose job, who cares?), but you don’t consider the toll it takes on you. When you keep a secret, you operate from a closed, protective place in all areas of your life. How can you connect with someone on an emotional level when you’re hiding part of yourself? Sharing your secrets and feeling the shame that surrounds them will set you free.

When looking for the “perfect partner,” it’s easy to get caught up in those ooey-gooey feelings, thinking they are an indication of compatibility. On the flip side, if you feel negatively, you might take that as a sign your partner is wrong for you. But good feelings don’t equal a good partner and bad feelings don’t equal a bad partner. That’s not the equation for a healthy relationship. Those negative feelings actually stem from fear: fear of intimacy, fear of abandonment, fear of engulfment, fear of making a mistake, etc. You use those fears to build a case against your partner, pushing him/her away. But it has nothing to do with them and whether they are a good match. It’s really about you. As long as you keep misinterpreting negative feelings as a reason to run, fear will remain in the driver’s seat. No relationship is all positive. If that’s what you’re looking for, you’re attached to a fantasy of what a healthy relationship looks like. It’s not real. Blaming your mate and thinking it’s about them instead of looking in the mirror is a one-way ticket to repeating the same pattern with your next relationship. Healthy relationships aren’t black and white. They are filled with all sorts of emotions—both positive and negative. To forge deeper connections, you have to accept and feel ALL of them. When you find yourself dismissing someone because of your negative feelings, stop and look at your fear. You have to consciously ask yourself what you’re afraid of because these fears run on autopilot and they’ve been operating for a long time. Remember, these feelings are not about the other person. They are about YOU and what you’re afraid to confront, which is actually a sign to step toward them rather than back.

Our culture is obsessed with the Drama Triangle. We watch it play out like a train wreck on reality TV, sad love songs, movie climaxes, gossip magazines and in the lives of people we know. The concept of the Drama Triangle was introduced in the early 70s by Dr. Stephen Karpman and it has three points: Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor. You know the victim as, “Poor me, I’m all alone and nobody cares”. The rescuer says, “Let me fix everything and take care of people who don’t need it, neglecting my own needs.” And then there’s the Persecutor who bullies, blames and criticizes. The thing about these positions is they are ALL powerless because you’re making someone else responsible for your feelings. Most people on the triangle don’t just stay in one position—they tend to play all three roles. We are conditioned to boo for the perpetrator, pity the victim and cheer for the rescuer. We want a good guy and a bad guy; a winner and a loser. The opposite of the Drama Triangle is happiness and empowerment, but we don’t see that as an option… unless that happiness is dependent on someone else. Happiness is NOT a state outside of you, but our society perpetuates that notion based on the Drama Triangle. Thinking other people are responsible for your well-being holds you hostage. It’s a trap. Unfortunately most people who are stuck on the triangle have no idea they are there, which means they stay on it, remaining powerless. Demonstrations of the Drama Triangle act as a mirror, enabling you to see yourself more clearly. Watch TV and see if you can identify the different roles, noticing how people switch. Pay attention to how disempowering it is, keeping them all in victimhood. Now turn that awareness on your own life and look at where YOU play each of these roles—with your family, your partner, your friends. Instead of blaming others for your unhappiness, ask what you’re trying to get… then give it to yourself. When you stop looking outside yourself, you’ll nudge yourself off the triangle. Empowerment is always about YOU.

I used to try so hard to fly under the radar and blend into the background. I played small so I wouldn’t call attention to myself, and I did it in every possible situation… in my relationships, in my work, while socializing. I even played small with myself in what I wished for. It was all fear-based because I didn’t want anything bad to happen. I knew if I put myself out there, fear would greet me, so I did everything I could to avoid it. When you confront your fears, control goes out the window; anything can happen. It’s a lot safer to be a shrinking violet, right? Sure, if you want everything in your life to be small and limited and led by fear! How do YOU fly under the radar to stay in your safe little cocoon? Do you withhold your wants and needs from your partner? Do you monitor yourself with a bunch of rules to keep things tight and controlled? Do you people-please and keep your partner happy so you can take the focus off you? How often do you try to go unnoticed so no one will criticize you? What is your relationship to fun? Do you have any, or do you limit that as well for fear the other shoe will drop and something horrible will happen? I still struggle with that one. Things in my life are going really well right now, so I catch myself looking for how it might be taken away. My awareness has grown immensely, but those fears still pop up from time to time. To have what you say you want out of life, stop flying under the radar and start speaking your truth. Trying to control your life and avoiding the uncertainty of “going big” will ensure you stay in your small, stuck space. That’s not where joy and freedom live. You can’t outrun your fears or fight against them or ignore them without suffering the consequences of a limited life. When you come out of hiding and start confronting them, you’ll see your fears don’t kill you. Quite the contrary—stepping out to face them is how you finally live.

I talk to a lot of people who point the finger at someone else when their feelings are hurt—it’s always that person’s fault. “I was ignored all weekend,” or “I was clearly upset and my partner didn’t ask me what was wrong.” When hurt or upset, you may clam up and expect other people to know how you’re feeling. Perhaps they even sense something is wrong and ask you, to which you respond, “Nothing, I’m fine.” But of course you’re not fine and you want them to know that so they can come to your rescue. When they don’t, you blame them for not caring. This is an EXTREMELY powerless position you’re putting yourself in because you’re not looking at your own expectations and how you show up. People aren’t inside your head and when you blame their inaction, it’s really a reflection of your own. You have to ask yourself why you aren’t opening up about how you feel and asking for what you need. Why do they have to guess? And why do you assign meaning to what they do or don’t do? It’s not their responsibility to take care of your feelings—it’s yours. You have to recognize your role and how you participate. When you open up instead of shutting down, and take responsibility for your inaction instead of blaming others, everything shifts. You stop playing the victim and start taking an active role in your happiness. Look at your past and present relationships. Where did you stay quiet, expecting someone else to rescue you from your hurt? What negative beliefs were triggered? The next time you feel yourself shutting down and creating a story about people not caring about you, stop that thinking. Instead, feel your pain and open up to those people about it. It will change everything.

Welcome back to my video interview series, “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment,” where I interview people about an emotional low point in their life and how they worked through it. In this episode I’m talking with speaker, educator and relationship mentor Ken Bechtel. Ken’s life was serendipitously lining up. He was living in a place he loved and engaged to an amazing woman… until it all came crashing down. Listen as Ken takes us through his darkest moment, and how he was able to look for the gift in order to move forward. For over 20 years, Ken Bechtel, the creator of the Finding Success in Love program, has shared his insights and amusement to help women get their needs met and be loved for all their unique beauty. He brings you the real story from a man’s perspective of what it takes to be adored by a great guy and have true partnership. Find out more about Ken and his wildly popular podcast, “Speaking of Partnership” on KenBechtel.com.

Do you have a resentment account? You know, similar to a savings account where you fill it up with all your angry deposits. Maybe you’ve been adding to it a lot lately—that happens in attached relationships—but I guarantee you’ve been contributing for much longer. It starts building from a young age, with all the hurt and pain of things not going your way. Instead of connecting with those feelings, you turn them into blame and make frequent deposits into your account. But the interest paid isn’t the good kind. When resentment compounds, it can lead to a life filled with perceived misfortune, misery and emotional disconnection. Resentment wreaks havoc in relationships. If you’re with someone who doesn’t make you a priority, yet you can’t seem to leave, it can lead to moments of rage. You’re beyond pissed, feeling he/she owes you for the pain they’ve caused. You may even stay in the relationship because you have so much invested; you’re waiting for the payoff. It’s time for them to turn things around and finally give you what you want. You’ve earned it, right? Nope, you will never get a return on that investment of sacrifice, over-giving, and victimization. And guess what? You’re in that relationship because you’ve chosen to be there. With each new relationship you may not be aware that you carry your resentment account with you, unless you decide to empty it. As with most things in life, it’s a choice. Own it and stop blaming your partners. Resentment will never lead to a happy relationship. No one owes you, and no one can ever compensate for your choices. To get rid of resentment, you need to look at it. What are you angry about? Where do you feel robbed? What were you not given as a kid that you needed? Can you look back and see the imperfections and frailties of the people who “failed” you? Believe it or not, life is working FOR you, not against you. When you truly believe that and take responsibility for choices, you can empty your resentment account and actually start living.

You have been looking your whole life for someone who is open, vulnerable and consistent, not understanding why you can’t find him/her. These are qualities you value, yet you don’t fully embody them yourself, so you look for someone who will compensate for where you’re closed and inconsistent. Unfortunately this isn’t the path to what you want because other people match you exactly where you are. Closed can’t meet open and inconsistent can’t meet consistent; those are the true laws of attraction. Let’s say you meet someone promising because they seem to come with less drama than everybody else you’ve been with. You’ve finally met someone you can have an honest conversation with, but you still find problems as an excuse to distance yourself. You don’t do it consciously—it’s part of your old patterns. You mentally strategize because it’s familiar, and before you know it, you’re acting inconsistently and putting up walls. You say you want someone who consistently shows up with their words and actions matching, but you’re not doing it yourself. When you don’t feel safe inside, you look for others to give you clues it’s ok to proceed. The thing is, you have to be open, vulnerable and consistent even when others aren’t. It can’t be dependent on them. YOU have to be the brave one. YOU have to say, “OK, this is crazy scary, but I’m going to step into it because I want someone who is going to match me.” You create what you choose, so everything you think, say, feel and do needs to move in the same direction. That’s consistency and it’s what you need to start doing in order to attract someone who does the same. Stop looking for the other person to make the first move. It always, ALWAYS starts with you.

This is the very first interview for “Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment.” Join me as I interview Lyneè Urban of Operation Fix My Life. She is a Nutrition and Lifestyle Coach dedicated to teaching busy women how to eliminate stress, transform their health, and rest their way to weight loss. While battling a lifelong struggle with food addiction and emotional eating, Lyneè experienced a health scare from the stress of balancing a family and full-time career. This motivated her to begin researching the most efficient strategies to transform her health while still meeting the demands of work and home. In our interview, Lyneè talks about her emotional connection with food, and her journey toward taking responsibility for her happiness instead of placing that burden on her family. "Surviving to Thriving: Overcoming My Darkest Moment" originally exists as a video interview. Watch it at tracycrossley.com/darkestmoment.

Joy is not the absence of pain, although it can seem that way when you don’t know any better. When you feel stuck in your love life, nothing has a shine to it. You’re in search of something to make you feel happy, yet you don’t see the limitations you put on it. Perhaps you believe if you have too much joy, something bad must happen to compensate, so you keep it at bay. When you wish for big, but settle for little, you continue running in circles, chasing a feeling you don’t truly know. Understanding what joy is and experiencing it is a process; but it’s not something you will find in an attached relationship. Intellectually you may know joy isn’t something to be gotten or achieved, but you still equate it with other people, hoping they will give it to you. Does joy equal that second date you’re trying so desperately get? Does it equal revenge with an ex who hurt you? What fleeting twinges do you associate with joy and why? Be curious about what you perceive as joy and ask yourself what it REALLY is. Joy isn’t in the future, it isn’t a temporary high and it isn’t something to be chased. But the tricky thing about joy is if you don’t know what it is… you don’t know it. So how do you find it? You don’t. Joy finds you when you walk through your fears and stop leading with your head. It happens when you start paying attention to what you’re intuitively drawn to and silencing the critic in your head. Joy is a choice, and it comes through believing it lives inside you. Stop fixating on others and expecting them to change—that is not where joy lives. When you connect to your heart and feel what is there, it will guide you. Stay with it and be present; these are the seeds of joy. Even if you can only hold onto it for a minute, do it. Bit by bit you’ll become acquainted with joy and reject your old notion of what you thought it was

Do you hand out unsolicited advice, telling people how to live their lives? Maybe you think you’re doing them a favor because you want to save them from learning the “hard” way. After all, you know better than they do. Whether with friends or intimate relationships, this need to save people from themselves comes from a need for validation. It’s how you derive your value and earn your place. You think they are incapable, but really it’s a reflection of how you see yourself. And it’s manipulative because you’re doing it to get something from them—appreciation, value, gratitude, validation, acceptance. So if the person you’re trying to save doesn’t thank you to the moon and back, you become resentful. One of my clients is the perennial teacher with her boyfriend. She gets validation from coddling him instead of letting him figure things out himself. He is an equal participant because he says she’s the smart and capable one (which makes her feel good), but then he doesn’t end up listening. This leads to her wanting to bang her head against the wall. Her insecurities kick in because if she isn’t the all-knowing rescuer… who is she? She doesn’t feel she has value unless she can be superior. This kind of teaching, over-doing, saving and advice-giving is incredibly depleting. You give and give in order to receive breadcrumbs of validation, which never fill you up. And it doesn’t do the other person any favors because you’re robbing them of their own growth. Instead of trying to get someone to love you for what you can teach them or save them from, see if they can love you simply for breathing; for doing nothing more than just being you.

Your relationship isn’t going well. You don’t feel heard or appreciated, but you think if your partner would just try harder to do what you want him/her to do consistently, you’d feel better. Instead, you feel undermined because your feelings are dismissed; clearly you are “imagining things.” You’re angry, yet you remain in a stalemate with this person with you blaming and them defending. Even if you “get” your mate to change, things will resume to the way they were pretty quickly because the desire to change is coming from you, not them. You may not see this as a game of manipulation, but it is. You’re trying to control your partner, making him/her do what you want. Feeling disregarded or disrespected can be painful, but it is a reflection of your own beliefs and insecurities—not the shortcomings of your partner. If you need your partner to be someone other than who they are, it’s time to turn the mirror around and ask what you’re not giving to yourself. Instead of pointing out their inconsistencies, look at your own. A partner isn’t a band-aid for what you’re unwilling to see in yourself. As with everything in relationships, it starts with YOU. You are an equal participant, so stop distracting yourself by thinking they are the problem. To have an open-hearted relationship, you need to be open-hearted. Ask what expectations you have of your partner and why. Are those expectations based in reality or fantasy? What does happiness look like for you? If you need someone to change to make you feel ok, get to the core beliefs behind it. Manipulation just leads to struggle. Isn’t it time to look at why you’ve chosen this person and what they’ve allowed you to avoid in yourself?

The “I am wrong” belief is one that still pops up for me, and for many of my clients. The inner judge can be so critical, making you feel wrong for everything you do. It can often be triggered by what someone says. Maybe you’re at a neighbor’s home and comment on their vacation photo. Your neighbor says, “Yeah, my wife wanted to go to Hawaii, but I talked her out of it because it’s so overrated.” You’re headed to Hawaii next month so you get a pit in your stomach, feeling you’ve made a wrong choice and will be judged. When that belief bubbles up, you might be inclined to defend yourself, or quickly change the subject so your neighbor doesn’t ask about your vacation plans. Even when the comments are innocuous, you find a way to take it personally and make yourself wrong. I noticed this recently with my diet. I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t losing weight. My hormones, perhaps? The old me would’ve immediately thought I was doing something wrong, and would validate this by finding others who had no problem dropping those extra pounds. In my head I would’ve thought they were doing it right and I was doing it wrong. Now, however, I recognize it’s my belief talking and I don’t fight it. When you resist your belief, it actually grows stronger. Go with it, and it will start to lose power. So what do you do when you find yourself feeling wrong all the time? Make a list of everything you’re doing “wrong,” then call it out for what it is: a negative, limiting belief. Don’t try to put a positive spin on it; that just denies its existence. Instead, accept the belief as part of you, just as your fingers and toes are part of you. Your beliefs are real, but they aren’t true. They just FEEL true because they’ve been reinforced over and over since childhood. Once you identify and accept them for what they are, they will start to loosen their grip on you.

How much time do you spend investing in the lives of other people? Do you look at celebrities and think they know more about life than you do? Maybe you have a different set of rules for yourself and others, and the ones for yourself are much harsher. You punish yourself for falling short, but the people you look up to get a hall pass. This happens in attached relationships when you put your partner on a pedestal, allowing him/her to get away with stuff you would never allow of yourself. But then you think if you WERE them, you’d be able to get away with it too. It’s a fantasy you’ve created where their life is amazing and yours is crap. This is the path to inauthenticity where you abandon yourself and wish your life away. You have to ask yourself why you don’t want to be you. We’ve seen a lot of fallen stars; celebrities who seems to have an idyllic life, yet break the law or cheat on their spouse. Initially you’re disappointed, but then you read something about why they did it and you feel empathy, thinking they’ve been misunderstood. You excuse the behavior. But if YOU did what they did, you would never forgive yourself. That same empathy doesn’t extend to you because somehow you’re “less than.” You fantasize about having this person’s life because then you’d get these hall passes too. When you no longer focus on the fantasy lives of others, you allow space for your authentic self to emerge. Accept your imperfections and realize the people you put on a pedestal have them too. This life is your life—you can live it authentically as you, or you can live vicariously through someone else, always feeling like you don’t measure up. It’s your choice.

When you’re not happy with your current situation—whatever it is—you may feel angry. You think you’re pissed at the outside world, but really your anger lies with yourself. You don’t accept where you are; it’s not where you want to be. So in an attempt to quell your anger, you try to control other people, forcing your will upon them and manipulating them to do what you want. This provides a distraction so you don’t have to take responsibility for the choices you have made. This happens quite often in unhealthy relationships. You beat yourself up for being in a situation you can’t get out of, but you don’t own your role in staying. The end result is anger. Why did the universe put you here? Until you take responsibility for your choices, you will continue to be the angry victim, thinking everything and everyone is conspiring against you. Anger feels powerful and comfortable because it’s a familiar emotion. It enables a sense of self-righteousness: It’s not ME who is causing this, it’s everything around me. All this does, however, is keep you stuck in wanting your external world to change, which is the opposite of empowering The next time you’re angry at your situation (for many of you that’s right now!), look at the choices you made to get where you are. You always have a choice, even if it’s simply the perspective you take to look at things. Anger is a choice. So you can continue down that path, being angry at the world, or you can accept that you got yourself here. Not someone else… YOU. There is no power in anger; power comes from taking responsibility for your decisions. Start owning your role and anger will slip away.

Do you ever look at others and pity them? Maybe there is someone in your life who you feel bad for, and want their situation to change. It actually bothers you if they do nothing to help themselves, so you feel this strong urge to rescue them. But why? What do you think they lack that keeps them stuck in this situation. What do you feel YOU lack? Yes, they are a mirror for you. In attached relationships, there is often a rescuer and a perpetrator—and both are also victims. When you feel a deep desire to rescue someone, it comes from your own need to be rescued. Love is not pity, and it’s not making someone else a victim so you can rescue them. Let’s say your ex still has stuff at your place and shows up to claim it. You offer to help because he/she couldn’t possibly do it alone—you turn him/her into a helpless victim. You’re actually in the middle of doing something, but drop it to help them, hoping for brownie points or at least some acknowledgement you went out of your way… but you get nothing. By feeling sorry for him/her you’re able to play the role of rescuer, throwing yourself to the bottom of the priority list. But then later, you complain about this person and how disrespectful he/she was. In order to have true give-and-take relationships, you have to look at the choices you make. Rescuing others keeps you angry and stuck in a loop of denial about how you feel about yourself. It can be hard to know what to do with yourself when you’re not needed, so you avoid exploring it. But ask yourself why you want other people to be different than they are. Do you want them to change for them… or for you? And what do YOU want to be rescued from? It’s only when you stop rescuing others that you’re able to focus on rescuing yourself.

It’s hard to watch someone you care about being disrespected. You might even get pissed and wish you could control their reaction, wanting to yell out, “Why do you let him/her treat you that way?!” Maybe YOU even start treating them badly because they’re teaching you that behavior is ok. It’s not conscious—you’re just picking up on their modeling. So, what signals are you giving other people about how to treat you? Let’s say your partner is complaining about how their brother treats them. You’ve heard it over and over—the brother never calls, he’s never supportive, etc. And yet, if that brother needs help, your partner is the first to jump up and volunteer. It’s frustrating and painful. Perhaps you bring it up and your partner gets defensive, tempting you to show them the same level of disrespect they are showing themselves. It’s hard to let them do whatever they are going to do without jumping on the disrespect bandwagon because that’s the behavior they are modeling… and humans learn a lot from modeling. When someone’s behavior triggers you and your reaction is to treat them poorly, catch yourself. Instead of mirroring their behavior, show compassion. Understand you can’t control what they do or how they allow themselves to be treated; it’s all based on their belief system, coming from a place of pain or insecurity. Doing this will also make you more aware of your own signals, and how you’re teaching others to treat you.

This podcast title came from a meme that really resonated with me, “Never beg to be loved.” While it may not sound like something you would do, I see it quite often in insecurely attached relationships (it never happens in healthy relationships). Begging to be loved results from feeling misunderstood or not properly seen, and being so invested in the relationship that you need your partner to be in the same place you are. Your world revolves around him/her, and you’re terrified of not finding that again with someone else. The feeling is desperate and painful; like you might die if your partner leaves. And on top of your fear of loss is a big ol’ layer of shame. If anyone knew how you were acting in order to keep your partner, you would die all over again. This also happens a lot with break-ups. Your partner says it’s over, which sends you into a tail spin. You beg him/her to stay because when you look at the future, all you see is pain. The only thing you believe will ease that pain is to convince your partner it’s a mistake, and you’ll do whatever it takes to demonstrate how awesome and amazing you are. If you’ve ever been on the other side of this, you know it doesn’t matter what your partner says or does. When you’re done, you’re done. When you beg to be loved, it comes from an attached place of being chosen rather than choosing—a powerless position. Let me tell you something: there is NOTHING so flawed about you that you need to beg someone to love you. Nothing. Zilch. Believing that on an emotional level, however, can be challenging because your negative beliefs show up telling you you’re not good enough, not worthy of love, etc. So instead of fighting it, ride that emotional wave and accept where you are. Accept the shame and really FEEL it. Then, look deeper at what you’re afraid of losing. What do you think you can only get from this one person? Whatever that is, give it to yourself. When you’re filled up emotionally, you will never have to beg to be loved; that love will already exist inside.

The universe is powerful to be sure, but I speak to many people who believe it is in control and we’re just along for the ride. They think the universe decides if you should be punished or rewarded. This is simply not true. The universe does not act independently of you, serving as judge and jury. It comes from its connection to you—matching what’s inside you and supporting what you put out there. It does NOT govern your life. Blaming the universe or believing it’s out to get you just takes the responsibility off yourself. You choose your reality. If you’re single and putting yourself out there, yet you keep dating the same kind of person (i.e. not your match), you may feel the universe is punishing you. Why else would you be suffering through this? You’re on all the dating sites and saying “yes” to dates, thinking you’re doing everything right. It’s because the punishment you believe is coming from the universe starts inside. You are creating it by the walls you put up, ensuring your negative beliefs keep you single. The universe is not conspiring against you, and blaming it just creates a limited existence where you stay stuck and powerless. What do you think the universe is keeping from you, and why don’t you believe you deserve it? When you hear a punishing story in your head, it comes from a deeper place. Look at the negative belief attached to it. Remember, the universe is a reflection of what lives inside you, so that’s where you need to place your focus. Not outside of you. When you’re vulnerable and open yourself up, the universe will match that and support you in ways you never imagined. But it has to start with you. You’re in the driver’s seat; the universe is riding shotgun.

Something set you off, leaving you to feel everything sucks and no one loves you. Or you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Whatever the trigger, you feel the world is against you. Maybe it’s those old feelings of rejection, shame or imperfection that bubble up, so you look externally for validation you’re ok. But instead you find the opposite—more evidence you’re NOT ok. So what do you do? If you’re insecurely attached, you’ll probably throw yourself a pity party, which is a great way to emotionally abandon yourself and remain in a constant state of reaction. If you look for problems, you’ll find them. You may not realize you’re doing this as a way of punishing yourself and marinating in your negative beliefs (I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve, there’s something wrong with me, etc.). Your focus is entirely on what’s not working, so you become anxiety-ridden as well. All of this self-pity serves a purpose, however, which is to distract you from your deeper emotions. The feelings associated with your negative beliefs are more familiar and thus easier to deal with, whereas whatever is brewing under the surface is completely frightening and unknown. Understand there is no truth in what you’re reacting to; your reaction is based on your perception of events, which comes from your negative beliefs. Essentially, whatever led to your pity party isn’t real. Dig deeper into where those thoughts come from, and the belief tied to them. Can you surrender to it and let it live instead of fighting against it? Follow all the feelings connected to it. Just by doing this you are connecting with yourself, which is the opposite of what you’ve been doing.

When I first started coaching, I came across the book “The Ever-Transcending Spirit: The Psychology of Human Relationships, Consciousness, and Development” by Toru Sato. In it he talks about the concept of stealing energy. When you have an energy deficit in yourself, you may try to get it from others by creating drama, manipulating, people-pleasing, punishing, etc. Yes, these are actually ways of trying to meet your own energy needs. You many not realize what you say or do is designed to trigger a reaction in someone else, as a way of stealing their energy, so you can temporarily feel better… like a quick “hit.” If you pick fights with others and feel you have to win an argument or get them to agree with you, look at your motivation. Are you beating them up to steal their energy? Are you punishing them because you feel crappy and want to feel better? It’s ok if someone doesn’t agree with you, and it’s ok to feel empty or crazy, but it doesn’t give you the right to suck the life out of them. You have to look at what’s triggering you. Where are you ignoring your own feelings? The energy you try to get from someone else will never fill you up. Instead of using other people as punching bags, do something loving toward yourself. Only you can fill yourself up.

No one wants to be called “needy” or “clingy,” so if you’re exhibiting this kind of behavior, you may be afraid to recognize and acknowledge it. It’s the last thing you want to admit to, especially if you fear judgment for it. Usually, you are in a relationship where you feel your needs are ignored or you have to be extra-special to get them fulfilled. Your image starts to crack, revealing your neediness. Then the shame kicks in because you do NOT want that label. Neediness comes from a deep need to be validated and not abandoned by someone else. Maybe you feel misunderstood by your partner, and have this burning desire for him/her to understand you. But when that attempt fails, the walls close in and you feel out of control so you cling even tighter, while simultaneously feeling ashamed for your actions. It’s like watching a bad movie you can’t turn off. But blaming yourself for these needy feelings and actions only perpetuates the problem, reinforcing the negative beliefs your neediness triggers. You are your own worst judge, and it becomes a shame storm of biblical proportions. If you find yourself in this situation, realize it’s about you and your negative beliefs; it has nothing to do with the other person and what they did or didn’t give you. All they have done is trigger what already lives inside of you. Seeking validation from someone else that you’re ok will keep you stuck in the needy cycle. So how do you get out? This may be surprising, but don’t try to halt your neediness because that will just keep the energy trapped inside you. If you’ve already started down that path, let the crazy out. Then, feel the shame. It’s awful, but the more you hide from it the worse it is. When you connect with your feelings and build your value, you won’t need to cling because you’re getting what you need from yourself.

No one wants to be called “needy” or “clingy,” so if you’re exhibiting this kind of behavior, you may be afraid to recognize and acknowledge it. It’s the last thing you want to admit to, especially if you fear judgment for it. Usually, you are in a relationship where you feel your needs are ignored or you have to be extra-special to get them fulfilled. Your image starts to crack, revealing your neediness. Then the shame kicks in because you do NOT want that label. Neediness comes from a deep need to be validated and not abandoned by someone else. Maybe you feel misunderstood by your partner, and have this burning desire for him/her to understand you. But when that attempt fails, the walls close in and you feel out of control so you cling even tighter, while simultaneously feeling ashamed for your actions. It’s like watching a bad movie you can’t turn off. But blaming yourself for these needy feelings and actions only perpetuates the problem, reinforcing the negative beliefs your neediness triggers. You are your own worst judge, and it becomes a shame storm of biblical proportions. If you find yourself in this situation, realize it’s about you and your negative beliefs; it has nothing to do with the other person and what they did or didn’t give you. All they have done is trigger what already lives inside of you. Seeking validation from someone else that you’re ok will keep you stuck in the needy cycle. So how do you get out? This may be surprising, but don’t try to halt your neediness because that will just keep the energy trapped inside you. If you’ve already started down that path, let the crazy out. Then, feel the shame. It’s awful, but the more you hide from it the worse it is. When you connect with your feelings and build your value, you won’t need to cling because you’re getting what you need from yourself.

How often do you ask yourself why you’re here, and what your purpose is? I think everyone wrestles with this at some point in their life. You might be looking for signs you’re headed in the right direction so you don’t make a “wrong” decision and possibly fail. Maybe you’ve had a number of different jobs because none of them quite fit. Each provided something, but none of them lead to feeling you’d found your calling. You were looking for that lightning bolt and instead felt confused by your apathy. Instead of looking inside for answers, you changed jobs, hoping the next one would be THE ONE. The problem is you’re looking at it backwards. Experiences don’t come from purpose; purpose comes from experiences. It is by doing that you end up stumbling upon your purpose, and your purpose is the ongoing journey. I used to have grandiose ideas of what finding my purpose would feel like—it was going to be big. Millions would be drawn to my work! My relationships would be out of this world! So of course, when those lightning bolts didn’t hit, I was faced with a lot of disappointment because I wasn’t getting closer to the pinnacle I envisioned. It wasn’t until I started surrendering to life that my purpose started to take shape. Now I simply have experiences, without any expectation of where they might lead; it’s fun! That uncertainty may sound scary, but to me it’s exciting because the world truly is my oyster. It’s not about giant highs and lows—it’s about the little experiences that give meaning to my life every day. It’s not to say BIG experiences do not happen, they do, but it is not the extreme feelings of success or failure. It is the living I do with whatever is going on, rather than shrinking from it. If you find yourself asking yourself what your purpose is, you’re not fully living in some way. Instead, ask what you’re afraid to commit to, then take a small step in that direction. Don’t sit and think about it—do it! When you’re at a crossroads, commit to a direction and be open to the experiences that follow. There are no true right and wrong decisions when it comes to your life path, and you will never mentally figure it out. The more you try, the more stuck you’ll become from doing things the same old way. Many great success stories start with a small kernel that leads to the next step and then the next. Your meaning isn’t at the end of the Yellow Brick Road… it’s in your everyday. Move toward what lights you up and let the path lead where it may.

This is a pretty taboo topic: dating someone who is in another relationship. I hear from a lot of people in this kind of attached relationship entanglement (and yes, it’s always rooted in insecure attachment). There’s often a fight between wanting to put an expiration date on the relationship, and riding off into the sunset together. Unfortunately neither is a reality when you’re in this place. If you say goodbye, you have an anxiety attack; if you stay, you feel trapped. It’s a no-win situation. If you’re currently in this situation, how much time to you spend thinking about the other person, wondering what they’re doing with their spouse or significant other? How often do you build a story, then start reacting to it, sending yourself into a tizzy? Perhaps you are tired of torturing yourself, but you can’t stop and you can’t let go. This scenario also provides fantastic evidence that you don’t deserve a happy relationship (which isn’t true, but you believe it’s true). Dating someone who is in another relationship means you are emotionally unavailable. It’s not about the other person, it’s about YOU, so you have to deal with the feelings that landed you here. It's not simply about ending the relationship because it’s important to understand why you’ve chosen it, and what you’re getting from it, otherwise you’ll just jump into another one. The relationship is a symbol for how much value you believe you have. Thinking the person you’re dating will suddenly wake up and become available is a disappointment you’re setting yourself up for. Even if they leave their partner for you, your relationship will be based in attachment and emotionally unavailability. The first step to letting go is to stop resisting where you are. Nothing will change until you decide to stop fighting. Focus on yourself and look at the feelings you’re avoiding. Remember—it’s about you and where YOU are emotionally unavailable. Acknowledging that will put you a step closer to understanding how you got here, and how you can let go.

Sometimes you may judge others harshly—you don’t like the way they act, talk, breathe, spend money, dress, parent their children or perhaps even the way they treat you. But when you judge others, it’s really a form of self-judgment. Your inner judge provokes a reaction from your negative core beliefs, making you feel justified, angry and/or ashamed. If your partner says they are leaving you because you don’t love him/her enough or that you’re selfish, it might trigger the belief that you’re horrible and unlovable. You may find yourself trying to convince your partner to stay by jumping through hoops to prove your love and that you are not selfish. But it’s actually not about his/her judgment of you; you’re trying to convince your own judge. Instead of trying to fix things by overperforming, look at what you don’t accept about yourself. What makes you feel so unlovable? This question comes with a lot of heavy emotions, so instead of feeling them, your pattern is to put energy outside of yourself toward trying to fix the relationship. Your “logic” and patterns may suggest that if you succeed, you won’t have to deal with those awful feelings. But trust me, that fix is only temporary. Your fear of being judged by others is fueled by the fear that it might be true. You do not react to something you don’t believe is true on some level; you only react when some nasty belief lives inside you. The nasty belief says, “yes, the criticism must be true.” This is why your overcompensating falls flat at some point—because of the part of you which you ignore. You don’t want to look at your flaws and the insecure parts of yourself because it’s painful. But the reality is, your inner judge will judge you as long as you fight it and defend yourself; as long as you blame others and do not own your negative beliefs. And guess what? As long as you do those things, others will feel justified in judging you too. When you start to realize it’s about you (not them), you’re able to take your power back. You can control how you judge yourself, but you can’t control how others judge you. Trying to “fix” them or the situation does nothing to fix yourself. When in a state of reaction, instead of going into autopilot fix-it mode, stop yourself and sit with your feelings. Where does that shame come from? What belief is triggered? As you build your value and accept yourself as you are, judgment from others ceases to overwhelm you. Your inner judge quiets down and the opinions of others simply don’t matter. You’ll also find yourself judging others less because when you accept who you are, you’re able to let other people be who THEY are. Even if they wear jeans to a formal dinner party!

Even if you agree with someone much of the time, you don’t see everything the same way. There is no objective reality; it’s always colored by your childhood, experiences and biases. Yet you probably expend time and energy trying to get people to see things from your perspective. Why do people need to see the world the same way you do? You can send a text to five different people and they may ALL have a different idea of what it means. Nothing is objective. Your view of the world only belongs to you. An example of this is someone not approving of your partner. Maybe your brother doesn’t think he/she is “good enough” for you. He ignores your partner or makes snide comments behind his/her back. You, on the other hand, think your partner is wonderful and can’t understand what the issue is. The thing is, your brother’s opinion says more about him than it does about your partner (or about you and your choice of partner). It’s about his view of life and underlying beliefs. Trying to convince him of your partner’s amazing qualities is futile. Everyone sees things differently, and that’s ok. It is difficult for people to accept because we want to believe our perspective is the right one, but there is no right or wrong; your opinion is yours and only yours. Ask yourself why you place so much importance on someone else’s opinion. Is it triggering something you don’t accept about yourself, or that you don’t want to feel? Instead of trying to change someone’s mind, look at it as an opportunity to address what you’re avoiding in yourself.

A healthy relationship has nothing to do with finding that perfect person, or someone who doesn’t trigger you emotionally. It’s about intimacy and connection, which are bound to poke those triggers. This isn’t a bad thing, and instead of shoving the pain down, it’s better to let it loose. Whether you’re dating or in a committed relationship, do you pick your partner apart? Maybe you treat them as if they are not a human being… not that you would want to admit that. But look at how you build a case against them, thinking everything they do and say must satisfy your needs. When coming from this place, it’s easy to forget they are flawed humans with feelings—just like you. People aren’t perfect, nor can they be reduced to a list of characteristics, and treating them as who you need them to be rather than who they are doesn’t lead to connection. It’s a way to stay closed, discounting or rejecting them for every scratch and flaw. Again, whether married or single, it boils down to how intimate we allow ourselves to be with another imperfect human. It can also be used to confirm your “I’m meant to be alone” belief (even if you are in a relationship). Connection is messy and requires emotional courage. It requires being open to getting hurt, and allowing a flawed person to get close. Treating people like objects keeps you acting from a place of fear, avoiding your own feelings and making them almost surreal. When judging someone else, it always comes from fear, and is a means of keeping others at a distance. When you are closed and fearful, it’s easy to point out other peoples’ issues while thinking you’re free and clear. True emotional intimacy comes from accepting yourself and others as flawed humans, letting go of the illusion of perfection. When you allow yourself to be emotionally triggered, and let that imperfect beast loose, you connect. Opening yourself up to experiences is critical. Look at your thoughts about the relationship. Where do you seek perfection because you are afraid of getting close unless they do something to ensure it is okay? Are your thoughts negative and rooted in scarcity? The more you move out of scarcity, take responsibility for your choices and view the world as an abundant place, the more accepting and courageous you become. This is what allows space for true human-to-human connections.

Your version of reality is very much your own; no one else sees the world exactly the same way you do. This becomes particularly muddled when you reflect back on events, making yourself out to be a martyr, victim, rescuer or persecutor based on your belief system. You believe what you want to believe, and your perception is used to justify your feelings of anger, blame, self-righteousness, etc. You can make yourself out to be the good guy or the bad guy based on your interpretation of the same event. Perhaps you’ll expect confirmation from others whose perception may or may not align with yours. In a dating scenario, say your date wasn’t interested in a commitment, but still wanted to hang out as friends. Even though you wanted more, you agreed, hoping things would change. Perhaps you even convinced yourself that the relationship was more than just friendship by watching every detail of their actions or nuance of their words, but when things didn’t turn out the way you wanted, you built a story where he/she was the villain and you were the helpless victim. Realizing the past may not be exactly as you remember it can release you from your limited view of life. How freeing it is to not paint yourself into a corner with the only possibility being your skewed memory! Allowing for different perspectives, and being able to see those alternative viewpoints, can empower you to make choices out of love rather than fear. When you hold tightly to your view out of fear, you’re using your bias to keep yourself in a particular emotional state—whether positive or negative. With the dating scenario, taking responsibility for seeing things the way you WANTED to can help you make different decisions in the future. You are in control of how you look at events in the rear view mirror. To have greater emotional freedom, realize there are multiple perspectives, and yours is simply one of them.

When your head talks you in and out of things, it means your mind is in control and your emotions are out of reach. Mentally managing everything leads to second guessing your decisions so you’re never truly at peace. Anxiety kicks in and you become overwhelmed because you’re searching your head for answers that never come. Perhaps you even seek advice from other people, hoping someone will say the magic word that makes everything click. If you do get that validation, your head is satisfied… but you’re often still left wondering if you made the right choice. Something inside feels unsettled. Decisions are made from your head when you don’t trust yourself. Society tells us to ignore what we feel and listen to what we think. Maybe you need to plan everything out, accounting for every possible outcome. This can happen at any level… from choosing a job to deciding how to respond to a text. When you are afraid of uncertainty and want to control the outcome, you count on your head for the answer. But going the mental route usually leaves you feeling confused, stuck and discontent. To better connect with your inner voice and allow that to guide you, accept where you are. Otherwise you’ll spend all your time in your head looking for a way to escape. If you don’t feel your way through, you’re mentally managing and have accepted nothing. It’s also important not to rely on the advice of others—they don’t have as much invested in your choices as you do. If you think they’re judging you, you’ll make a decision based on that rather than what you feel inside. Remember, no one is living your life but you. Feel it. Own it. Do it.

When things feel out of control, it can undermine you, sending you spiraling. You may find yourself in a pit of anxiety, despair, anger, etc. because you realize your control was an illusion. Maybe you wake up one morning and something sets you off, like an annoying email or text. Then you get a flat tire, making you late for a meeting, and this series of unfortunate events continues throughout the day. As a result, you misdirect your frustration toward someone else… when it has nothing to do with them. Your overreaction is about your own negative feelings and lack of control. The thing is, life is going to do whatever it does. When you try to control it, you’ll constantly end up disappointed. And when you overreact, exploding at your partner instead of dealing with the negative emotions yourself, you can destroy relationships. It’s your desire for control (fueled by your negative beliefs) that leads to these outbursts. Instead of holding on so tightly, surrender to what is. Accepting things as they are will keep you from flying off the handle. And yes, it’s hard! When you’re hit with a cyclone of crap, take a breath and realize it’s not about the events—it’s something deeper. Look at what’s triggering you as it’s tied to your negative core beliefs (i.e. I’m not good enough, I can’t do anything right, I suck, I’m not cut out for X, etc.). Once you identify the belief, don’t fight it. Accept it and a funny thing starts to happen: you’ll come to believe it’s not true. You’ll realize you really AREN’T an incompetent loser and it was just a string of bad luck. Then you’re able to let go and take everything in stride. Bad things happen to everyone; it’s all in how you respond.

Do you ever regret how relationships end? I’m not talking strictly intimate relationships; this goes for all relationships: friends, colleagues, family, etc. When a relationship ends poorly, maybe you feel like the bad guy, regardless of your role. The problem is, it doesn’t stop there. You carry that person’s judgment with you. Maybe not every day, but triggers will cause it to resurface, controlling the amount of joy you allow yourself to experience. If you have a fight with a friend and things go south, even if you believe you are both to blame, on a subconscious level you probably feel like it was your fault. Then when something fun or exciting happens, that person’s voice whispers, “You don’t deserve it.” It’s easy to punish yourself and assume all the responsibility of a failed relationship when it triggers a deeper negative belief. But to have the happiness you say you want, you have to forgive yourself and be true to yourself, despite what that person may think. You can’t go back in time to “fix” old relationships, and even if you could, it wouldn’t matter anyway. Whatever you did or did not do doesn’t matter. It’s the negative belief it triggers that you want to focus on so you can stop kicking yourself and start believing you deserve to enjoy life. Once you challenge those beliefs by being open and authentic, those judgmental voices will be silenced.

The people who listen to my podcast are seeking some sort of change in their lives, but most want that change to live in their head. You may believe focusing on others or wanting external change will make a difference, but it doesn’t. Your mind is running the show, and the authentic part of you is nowhere to be found. To create lasting change, you MUST take an emotionally risky action—something that scares you. Nothing will happen while sitting in an armchair. Connect with your inner voice so you’re able to take emotional action that’s in alignment with your authentic self. I do this all the time. I look for emotionally risky action whenever I find walls within myself. If it doesn’t make me feel vulnerable, it’s not risky enough. This is the only way to get unstuck. I know there is fear in risking what you currently have, but taking action in face of that fear is where shifts happen. Stop looking for external clues, and start connecting internally. Action involves speaking your truth and taking positive steps forward; doing something that lights you up. Change doesn’t happen outside of you, and it doesn’t happen in your head. For deep, lasting change you must take emotionally risky action. It is through doing that we challenge our negative beliefs and change our patterns. You can’t travel the world from your sofa. You may read about places and imagine yourself there, but the only way to truly experience the world is to get out there. Same goes for change. You can think about change and imagine a different life for yourself, but until you start DOING, you’ll stay right where you are.

If someone does something nice for you that’s unexpected, does that make you feel uncomfortable? Do you believe it puts you at a disadvantage because you owe them? Receiving is much harder than giving. Many people have a hard time receiving without feeling obligated to reciprocate because giving provides a false sense of control. When you give, you may think people owe you. Even if it is not your intention, pay attention to where you have emotional strings attached. Or perhaps you feel you don’t deserve to receive without jumping through hoops first. In truth, receiving is an act of self-love. Look at why receiving is uncomfortable. Does it come from a lack of value? Perceived lack of power? It’s important to identify what’s at the core, then feel it. It’s not about power and it’s not about control. It’s about opening yourself up and believing you deserve, while also trusting that life is on your side, supporting you. Keeping score never makes you happy, and the inability to receive stems from a lack of trust. To receive with your whole heart, you need to trust life and believe you deserve, which is a vulnerable place to be. If deep down you feel unworthy, receiving can be difficult. Ask yourself what you’re afraid of losing. Or what are you afraid you don’t have. Allowing yourself to receive is a vulnerable position to be in, but it’s the only position that will lead to a true partnership—not one based on power and keeping score. Receiving is not a zero-sum game

Your perfect partner isn’t out there. You have expectations around the type of person you’re looking for, and there are often intense feelings associated with those expectations: highs and lows. You think chemistry is an indicator of what a healthy relationship looks like, but that’s not true. The “high” you feel isn’t reality and it isn’t sustainable. What you feel is based on the outcome you want, not on what simply “is.” Healthy relationships don’t exist in a heightened state. If you’re going on a date, you probably have expectations before you even meet the other person. You think a jolt of energy is a positive sign, and if there is no spark, you dismiss the person; they must not be not a good candidate. You’ve decided how you feel about them before giving things a chance to unfold. I’m sorry to break it to you, but chemistry is NOT a good indicator of a healthy relationship because the feelings and expectations associated are usually unrealistic. It’s based in an old fairy tale, not reality. Real life is not a rom com. If you want a healthy relationship with true emotional intimacy, you have to look at how you let your intense feelings drive you, and how you sabotage your relationships after those heightened emotions disappear. Healthy relationships don’t have highs and lows—they just don’t. This is a hard pattern to break for avoidants or anxious/avoidants, but it’s important to realize your perception of how you’re supposed to feel has nothing to do with reality. Instead of looking for that zing, ask yourself how you feel when you are with someone—where are you connecting with this person? Do you laugh together? Are you in the moment? Look at whether you are open or closed; don’t let chemistry be your guide. Let go of the ideal in your head, and let things unfold naturally. You’ll be surprised at how amazing hum-drum can be.

You have a dream or fantasy about what you THINK you want in another person, but because you’ve never experienced it, it’s only an idea—it’s not real. And it’s not necessarily what would serve you. It’s impossible to know what you connect with when all you’ve done is bounce the idea around in your head, holding tight to the same one for many years. You’ve carried an expectation of what this person will look like, act like, etc., not realizing how much it limits what you attract. There is only this tiny opening through which someone real will fit. Attraction is a funny thing; we don’t think we have control over who we’re attracted to, but it’s not true. We’re drawn to people based on our core beliefs and supporting patterns. When you look for qualities in a partner based on what you THINK you want or what sounds good based on what you read in a magazine, the connection comes from your fantasy instead of something real. Ask yourself on a deep level of emotion: Why do the qualities you chose matter? Why are they important to you? Chances are they came from a need for validation; that’s why you choose people who look good “on paper.” These people embody qualities you believe you lack, hoping they will fill that empty place inside. You want them to see the real you, but how can they when you project a façade to attract this fantasy person? Instead of looking for them in a partner, ask how you can give yourself what you need. Look at WHY the qualities you look for are important. What do they give you? If someone with a steady job is important, ask yourself what’s beneath that. Is it actually stability you’re looking for, and a job simply represents it? If so, where do YOU feel unstable. There’s the place you want to begin. By filling your own holes and building your value, you make room for someone to come into your life based on what you actually want… not what you think you want.

On some level you may think you can make other people change just because you want them to. You think if you change them, you’ll feel better. Well, you can’t and you won’t. Let’s say you have an argument with your partner and they promise to change. Maybe they even believe it themselves. The problem is, change doesn’t come from a place of fear (i.e. fear of losing the relationship). It has to come from self-reflection; getting in touch with your emotions in how they relate to your inner motivation. People change because they WANT to change, not because someone else wants them too. It’s hard to let people be who they are, but if you hold onto the fantasy of what you want them to be, you’ll find yourself constantly disappointed. The harsh truth is the people in your life were fine with who they are before you came along and they’ll be fine with who they are whether you’re around or not. Even if they want to change, it has to come from them, not you. Look at yourself and ask what you do not accept in you. That’s where you start. It really is that simple. You may spend so much time and energy waiting for change or pushing for change when you have zero control. It doesn’t matter how much influence you think you have, or how wrong you think they are (which is only your perspective anyway). At the end of the day, change is up to them… not you. If you find yourself wanting to change your partner, find the real source of your discomfort and ask yourself what fear is driving it. Are you afraid of being abandoned? Alone? Not being in control? If the problem really is a deal-breaker, you need to be honest with yourself and leave the relationship. Getting mad at them for the same thing over and over doesn’t do either of you any good. You can express your feelings around what they do, but you can’t force them into different behavior. Instead of focusing on them to change, look at what you can’t accept and why. That’s where the truth lies.

We may intellectually know our feelings matter, but emotionally we don’t acknowledge them or even know how we really feel. So what happens? We end up discounting or disowning this HUGE part of us. And we think if we’re able to make someone else ok, we’ll be ok. In other words, by filling someone else up, we think we’re filling ourselves up. Unfortunately… no. That’s not how it works. You can’t control others’ feelings, and even if you could, it wouldn’t make you feel fetter. Sacrificing your own feelings for someone else doesn’t bring you closer to them either. It gives you a false sense of control that you THINK will end your own suffering. When you dishonor your feelings, you end up feeling empty, defeated and resentful. I’m not saying you need to discount other people’s feelings, but catering to theirs at the expense of your own is how you go against yourself. It’s the opposite of self-love. Look at your relationships—where do you discount your feelings or hide them from others? What are you afraid of losing? Power? Control? Love? If you keep going down the road of saying your feelings don’t matter, you’re not living an authentic existence. You want the appearance of things being ok, but that doesn’t feel good. It’s not your feelings vs. their feelings—this isn’t black and white. There is enough space in the world for their feelings AND your feelings to matter. Stop sacrificing yours thinking you need to choose.

Just because you leave a relationship, doesn’t mean it has left you. Do you ever stew in the aftermath of a relationship long after it’s gone, using it as an excuse not to move forward? Oh yeah, many of us have done that. And it’s painful because you don’t believe there’s someone else out there for you. Maybe you torture yourself by stalking your ex’s Facebook page, and even though you intellectually know it’s over, part of you still holds out hope… even if he or she is engaged to someone else. We hold onto relationships when were afraid we don’t deserve more. Keeping some sort of emotional connection (even if we use it to punish ourselves) feels better than letting go. If we let go, will we EVER feel this way again? It feels hopeless because where we are is incredibly painful, yet we can’t imagine being anywhere else. It’s hard to let go—I get it. Oh I get it! But if you don’t free yourself from this bind you’ve created, you’ll never be able to open yourself up to a healthy, happy relationship. Your heart will always be occupied by the one you can’t let go of; not free to give to someone else. To start the process of letting go, recognize it’s a distraction from your feelings. Those painful emotions (rejection, inadequacy, lack of value, scarcity, etc.) are trying to get your attention—connect with them. FEEL them. Focusing on your ex will just keep you from the hard work of feeling your feelings and moving on. It’s not fun, but it’s the only way to break free. There’s so much more on the other side. I promise.

Resistance is everywhere, and it’s always in reaction to something. That means it’s not an innate action; it’s learned. And you know what that means? It can be unlearned, but it’s tough when people are resistant to being in resistance! Resistance means you have a problem with something in your reality. You don’t want to accept things as they are. You’ll find it crop up in relationships, jobs, politics, friendships… everywhere. Many people are resistant to seeing relationships as they really are. Instead they create a fantasy based on what they want, then react negatively when the reality doesn’t match. Fear of loss is usually at the core, so people avoid their feelings and mentally strategize ways of forcing the reality they want. Staying in this place and feeling like crap is usually preferable to giving up on the fantasy because it’s safe and doesn’t require you to do anything differently. But it will never lead to what you want. To move out of resistance, stop complaining about the situation. Accept things AS THEY ARE and refocus your energy on what emotional action you can take to change things. The antidote to resistance is action, but not mental action. You must be present and connected to the action emotionally. Robotically doing things differently will not move you out of resistance because it’s your attempt to solve things mentally. Emotionally risky actions are scary, but once you leap, and keep leaping, you’ll feel a whole lot better. This is how the patterns of resistance break down.

When you walk around with resentful feelings toward other people or situations, you create a dark cloud of misery. This pattern of fixating on the negative takes everything to the extreme, spiraling from one negative to another. It goes back to childhood where the negative perspective was cultivated, so it feels hopeless. In attached relationships, there’s always something to be upset about—you feel short-changed or have a chip on your shoulder. Perhaps you mask it with a shiny exterior so nobody knows, or perhaps you’re so disconnected from yourself, you don’t realize how you feel. No matter your situation, inside your head you feel everything in your life sucks. The problem with fixating on the negative is it’s a limited perspective, allowing no possible room for happiness or a different viewpoint. You think that when your circumstances change, you’ll be happy, but it’s the INSIDE that needs to change. When you focus on changing the negative outside, it doesn’t affect the negative inside. You will still find something to complain about, I guarantee it. Negativity is all a perception. If there’s something in your partner you can’t accept, look at that quality in yourself and ask what you can’t accept about it. It’s the struggle with your own self-acceptance that leads you to this negative place. Fixating on what’s wrong outside is a distraction from looking within to identify what you’re not accepting inside. You get to choose how you see the world and your circumstances. Start by looking at what you can’t accept, and your expectations around that. Then challenge those expectations by doing the opposite. You’ll then start to breakdown the patterns and see there is a different way of looking at things. I have a free download that walks through the steps of shifting your perspective. Get it at www.tracycrossley.com/podcast/229.

People think “selfish” is a dirty word, so there’s a lot of fear around it. They’ve had it beat into them that being selfish is bad, which leads to people-pleasing. When you succumb to people-pleasing, you’re constantly at the mercy of the rest of the world to validate you. You think if you don’t give to someone else or do what they want, you’re being selfish. And being selfish makes you feel guilty! You become so focused on not wanting to be selfish you walk on eggshells, over-doing to avoid the label. Try as hard as you can to be a saint and it won’t matter—when you try to compensate for your negative beliefs, it comes back to bite you. The thing is, you’re never going to feel good when you go against yourself. You end up in this pattern of giving, thinking you’ll be seen as a good person and eventually get something in return. But when that doesn’t happen, you end up resentful… and then you try even harder. It’s a vicious cycle that’s not only painful, it also stops you from getting close to people. I know you’re afraid you won’t be likeable if you’re “selfish,” but if someone only likes you when you’re catering to their every whim, ask yourself if that’s really a two-way relationship. What are you getting out of it? Is it worth it? Taking care of yourself doesn’t make you selfish, but giving to get does. Yep, when you give out of obligation, you’re not coming from a genuine place. You’re manipulating to get something—be it attention, validation, acceptance, etc. That’s actually more selfish than taking care of yourself. So, if you want to feel good and stop putting others before yourself, embrace being selfish. You’ll find that when you allow it rather than resisting, you’re able to own it. Make “selfish” a positive word in your vocabulary; it means you’re taking care of yourself instead of always prioritizing someone else. Take care of yourself first and foremost. Only then can you truly give from your heart.

Overthinking is about fear and avoidance. When something happens around us, our brains work overtime to create a strategy for dealing with it. It becomes a game of mental ping pong, which is not productive because we’re just reacting to events outside of us. Aside from making us crazy, it can also be unpleasant for those around us. Ever been around someone who changes their mind 1,000 times? Yep, that’s fun. Mental strategizing is a way of avoiding our feelings. If you’re dating or in a relationship, how many times do you overthink texts you send? When to send it, how he/she will react when reading it, etc. You play out every possible scenario in your head, and send the text to get the response you’re looking for instead of what’s authentically true. Vulnerability is scary, so the brain takes over and tries to control the outcome. Except it doesn’t work, and it just ties your stomach up in knots. You have to get out of your head and focus on your feelings instead. Yes, folks, everything comes back to feelings. Mental strategies and problem-solving will NOT make unpleasant feelings go away. It’s a distraction where you expend a ton of energy to end up nowhere productive. Instead of staying in this state of friction, ask yourself what your goal is. Are you actually working toward a solution or are you just creating more problems? You’ll find it’s often the latter. The next time you feel yourself caught in your head, second-guessing yourself and making yourself crazy, STOP. Recognize what you’re doing, then connect with your gut. Stop sending yourself on a wild goose chase when a straight line will do just fine.

As you grow and become empowered, everything changes around you. One of the more difficult parts of growth is possible loss. As you grow, what used to suit you doesn’t anymore. Other people may see you differently and not like it, and/or you may see THEM differently and not like it. In general, people want you to stay the same because it’s comfortable, even if they don’t consciously realize what is making them uncomfortable. Sensing something is different about you makes them uneasy. But empowerment means you get to feel good in any situation, knowing you can decide how you respond (or don’t respond). And that’s pretty amazing. Instead of trying to please others, you realize it’s disappointing; and if you are constantly giving up your power, you quickly find yourself angry and resentful. Empowerment changes that—the power is within you for your own happiness. It does not exist externally. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the drama of other people, personalizing what they say and do. It used to happen with my parents all the time. I’d find myself upset by the way my mom treated my dad, but I’ve finally gotten to a place of compassion where I’m able to see both of them for who they are. Instead of being a participant and internalizing everything, I’m a spectator. The things that used to drive me crazy no longer do because I’ve learned how to take care of myself and not allow the issues of others affect me. Other people may not change, but you get to choose if and how you participate. Empowerment means you get to be you no matter what anyone else thinks, says or wants. It’s important if you want to be in control of your life. How many people do you dread seeing because you don’t want to get stuck in their drama? Well, you can choose NOT to get stuck in it. It really is a choice. You don’t need to avoid these people or cut them out of your life; quite the contrary. You get to decide how you interact with them, and how much you personalize it. Empowerment comes from being around them, but not engaging. It really is a choice.

We don’t realize how much we stand in our own way, making excuses to prove we can’t have what we want. These self-fulfilling prophecies, based on our negative beliefs, end up creating our reality. And it’s a reality we don’t want. I see this play out in relationships all the time. If you think you’re destined to be alone, you better believe that’s operating in the background, affecting your thoughts and behavior… and it happens whether you’re in a relationship or not. Those subconscious beliefs go against your conscious thoughts. People who have a lot of self-defeating feelings punish themselves. They don’t think they deserve a healthy relationship, so they sabotage their efforts to find one. They make excuses, “All the good ones are taken,” or “He/she wants someone more successful than me.” It’s a pattern. Even people who SAY they want a healthy relationship when they aren’t in one have an unconscious desire to prove their negative belief is correct (i.e. they don’t deserve it). That can manifest as saying to yourself, “See, I just blew that again. I’ll never find someone.” And so continues the cycle of the self-fulfilling prophecies: constantly producing evidence you don’t deserve, or you’re meant to be alone. But once you’re conscious of it, you can change it. Self-fulfilling prophecies are a choice. YOU get to decide what your future is. Will that future be based on your negative beliefs, or will you challenge those beliefs and stop using them as excuses? If you say you want something, yet build evidence you can’t have it, you’re going to be constantly disappointed. Pay attention to what you tell yourself and the excuses you give. Catch it, then challenge it. The present and the future are not pre-written. You get to create your reality.

Do you find yourself reacting to every little thing in your life, as though a force outside of you is carelessly tossing all your wants and desires to the wind? Or do you believe you’re the creator—in charge of your destiny? It can be a big surprise when you become aware of what you are reacting to. When you come from a place of control and blame, that’s reacting, especially when you believe it is someone else’s fault; it’s a disempowering place to operate from. You may be so wired to what someone else says or does that your whole life is lived in reaction. Whether with strangers or people you know, you get triggered and boom! You are stuck, repeating the same patterns. When you’re wrapped up in the emotions of another person and find everything revolves around how you respond to them, you’re avoiding your own feelings. Yep, reaction is a form of avoidance. When I was in relationships where my needs weren’t met, I reacted to what my partner was doing while constantly trying to control both my emotions and his. Where did it leave me? Feeling pretty helpless and crappy. Reactors never choose themselves or their happiness because they don’t know how. You become the creator by taking responsibility; by chilling out and not always needing to be the driver. So how do you do that? Look at where you have expectations, and how you react when the outcome isn’t what you want. Look at where you blame and what you’re ashamed to take responsibility for. You are the common denominator for what doesn’t work in your life. You can stop being the reactor at any moment and become the creator. You always have that choice.

Anxiety and insecure attachment often go hand-in-hand. I’ve thought about this a lot recently because my boyfriend has no real concept of anxiety and that horrible feeling I used to have that I might die. Why? Because he’s securely attached. It’s helped me see how far I’ve come in my own growth because I don’t suffer like I used to, but at the same time I realize how much anxiety played a role in my life, especially with the partners I chose. I used to pick men who had their own issues around insecure attachment, which reflected all of my insecurities and perpetuated this cycle of unease. Healthy relationships based in secure attachment are NOT characterized this way, but I didn’t have a clue; I thought my relationship experiences were perfectly normal. If you’re not honest with yourself about who you’re choosing and why, you’ll keep focusing on people who reflect your own insecurities, increase your anxiety and aren’t available for emotional support. When in an anxious state, you don’t make choices based on what you want… you unknowingly make them out of fear. You choose relationships that enable you to relive childhood fears of abandonment, creating a constant state of insecure anxiety. To become more secure, you have to consistently connect with those out-of-control feelings. You have to stop engaging in behavior which perpetuates the cycle of making your problems worse, and look at where you are emotionally closed. When you’re able to get to the point where you’re no longer watching the other person to see what happens, it’s a sign you’ve loosened anxiety’s grip on you.

An affirmation is defined as a positive assertion. They are statements you want to be true (which currently aren’t), stated in the present tense AS IF they are true. Like, “I’m in a healthy, loving relationship.” There are different schools of thought around how to use affirmations, and I had a love-hate relationship with them for a long time. The problem was, I didn’t feel an emotional connection to them. The intention was missing. So I came to realize it’s not about the words, it’s what’s BEHIND the words. Positive statements about yourself aren’t a bad thing—don’t get me wrong. Reminding yourself of your good qualities is always cool, but you have to believe them. Saying you’re rich or beautiful or happy doesn’t make it true if you don’t believe it’s true. On top of that, looking for something externally to change how you feel internally won’t work in the long term. A lot of what we wish for in affirmations may be limited in scope because the way we draw things to us is through the heart not the head. The heart must be open in order to draw what matches it. So the fundamental problem with affirmations is they don’t work if you don’t believe them. And when you say something you don’t believe, it feels awkward. Affirmations are also a great way to stay in your head, which isn’t where change happens. So what can you use instead of affirmations? Say what’s true, not what’s aspirational. Rather than stating, “I’m in a healthy, loving relationship,” say something like, “I’m not currently where I want to be, but I’m committed to having a healthy relationship and every day I’m doing something to get there.” Doesn’t that sound more authentic? Positive statements without feelings attached are false, and no matter how many times you say them, they won’t work. If a state of well-being is what you’re after, practice gratitude. Being grateful for what you already have is much more powerful than focusing on what you don’t have.

We want other people to give us certainty so we can feel safe… because the outside world is unpredictable. We go to great lengths to control situations in order to feel secure, which only works in the very short term because true safety is found inside. We seek permanence in commitments such as a steady job, marriage, money in the bank, etc. to create that feeling of security. I’m not saying these are bad things, but when people expect them to compensate for their lack of safety inside, dissatisfaction and unhappiness results. We think these symbols are guarantees, but life is unpredictable. Stuff happens! Jobs change, marriages end and money fluctuates, so their security is just an illusion. This search for certainty is prevalent in attached relationships because having a partner feels stable, even if the relationship is anything but. There is continuity, providing a strange comfort in the expected. Fear of loss comes into play as well—we don’t want to give up what we know for something uncertain, even if certainty equals pain and uncertainty equals the potential for love and joy. The risk seems too great. We’d rather stick to our patterns because we know what to expect. Securely attached people aren’t immune to bad things happening, but they have a basic trust of life (i.e. “this too shall pass”), and don’t need to hold on so tightly. They have a general feeling of safety that doesn’t rely on those external illusions. Uncertainty in the unknown is terribly uncomfortable and may make you want to jump out of your skin, but instead of looking for certainty in the same old insecurely attached relationship, feel those fearful emotions. Holding on to something outside of us with an iron grip will only provide a false sense of security. Wouldn’t you rather have the real thing and embrace what is unknown? The unknown can be incredibly exciting because in it lies possibility. Uncertainty is where life is.

Do you know people who pick fights all the time? They look for an opening to push their opinion or agenda. Or what about those who look for ways to manipulate and undermine others so they feel in control? Maybe YOU even have those tendencies at times. I facetiously use the terms bully and dictator because they provide an effective visual, although they’re more descriptive of behavior patterns than actual personalities. These are the people who want everything to go their way (my way or the highway!) and punish those who don’t go along with the program. The thing is, beneath all the bravado is an empty space. They may have zero awareness of what is going on with them. They think if you don’t do things their way, it means something is wrong with them. If you don’t see things their way, they have no value. They may start to get anxious, forceful, needy or even clingy, needing you to see their perspective. It all stems from insecurity and negative beliefs. They’re used to not receiving love, attention, acceptance or validation, so in relationships they look for partners who invalidate them, don’t accept them and don’t give them attention. It’s because that’s what they know, unconsciously. They actually WANT a partner they can’t convince to go along with their program, or someone who goes against them more often than not. Crazy, right? When people act this way, it can be hard for them to acknowledge, but that’s the only way to stop. If you catch yourself moving into dictator mode, ask what you’re trying to get. Is it adoration? Acceptance? Why? If you want healthy relationships, intimate or otherwise, you have to connect with those feelings of emptiness. Feel them. Then start by letting go of control, inch by inch. And if you know people in your life who exude bully and dictator behavior, show them compassion because it means they’re in pain. Fighting back will only fuel the fire, making their emotional armor even stronger.

A lot of people have one foot in and one foot out… in all areas of life. In this podcast, however, I’m going to focus on commitment (or lack thereof) when it comes to long-term relationships, whether you are in one or want to be in one. We are often quick to point out someone else’s commitment issues while failing to see our own. Remember, other people are a mirror for you. Whatever you identify as a problem in someone else is likely a problem for you. As an example: When you think, “If my partner really loved me, he/she would marry me,” you’re focused on what you can get from them; you’re giving your power away. That statement comes from fear, not love. Marriage may provide temporary validation, but it can’t fill the emptiness inside of you. In dysfunctional relationships, we wait for the other person to change, because we think WE are the healthy one. Nope, not true. It takes two to tango so if you believe it’s all on your partner, you’re wrong. The question isn’t, “How do I get a commitment from my partner?” You need to ask yourself why you want the commitment, and why it’s more important than anything else. Dig deep, why must you have this commitment? What does it give you inside of yourself? Where do you feel insecure, and why do you think that will go away if this person commits to you? These are hard questions, but you need to be clear with yourself before you can have clarity with your partner… which is the next step. Have a conversation that isn’t an ultimatum. Say what’s true for you. Get vulnerable and express your fears. Commitment isn’t about the other person; it’s about honoring yourself and what you want on a DEEPER level.

So many of you avoid feeling your feelings because you don’t know what’s on the other side. You’re afraid painful emotions might totally consume you, sending you deep into an abyss. Like if you try to release even the smallest bit, the flood gates will open and you’ll be stuck in a pit of pain forever. It’s not true. Actually, when you avoid your feelings, nothing in your life changes. Nothing. You just keep carrying around the same luggage filled with heaviness, sadness, depression, anger, anxiety, etc., pretending it’s not there. But let me tell you, ignoring it will NOT make it go away. Numbing with substances, creating problems to solve, keeping busy, escaping through TV and social media are all ways you may distract yourself from your feelings. But as you shove them down, the pressure builds and eventually they need an outlet. This may take the form of lashing out at someone in anger or blaming them for your pain, when really you’re angry at yourself because your avoidance strategies haven’t worked. Remember, blame is a powerless position, and your choices brought you here even if it seemed like the only option. The more you feel your disappointment and take responsibility for your actions, the more empowered you become. If you want healthy, connected relationships and an overall fulfilling life, you have to feel your feelings. There’s no other way. And it’s not about feeling the anger and stopping there. That’s just the surface emotion. Under the anger is fear, which sits atop a swell of unknown emotions… the ones you’re afraid will consume you. But it’s connecting with THOSE feelings that will set you free. So how do you do that? I have a free download to walk you through it. Being able to do this is life-changing, and the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Remember, emotions won’t kill you. Trust yourself to handle them. Download “How To Feel Your Feelings”:http://bit.ly/2mVtiSB.

Resistance to reality is an unwillingness to see things as they truly are. It’s the struggle you’re in when you fight against an unsatisfactory situation, trying to change it through force, manipulation or any tactic where you’re trying to control the outcome. It’s the fear you feel in the face of change. In insecurely attached relationships, resistance abounds. Perhaps you are resistant to accepting your own emotions AND the emotions or position of your partner. You may even be resistant to the fact you’re stuck in this dysfunctional relationship. Because you want things to be different, you deny reality and hope something will miraculously change. Anything you do (or purposely don’t do) to impact someone else comes from this resistant state, otherwise you’d stop trying to control everything and just let things be as they are. Resistance to reality leads to the place many insecurely attached people live… fantasy land. And when you’re in fantasy land, it’s really hard to change things because you can't allow yourself to let go of control. This fear of the "feeling" around letting go keeps you stuck as you imagine yourself in an extreme state of anxiety, like you’ll bottom out and your life may be over. The opposite of resistance is acceptance and surrender. Yes, easier said than done because this is not a mental exercise. Simply telling yourself to let go and accept everything as it is doesn’t work. You actually have to FEEL it. And own it. To start breaking up resistance, accept you’re where you are (don’t be resistant to the fact you’re in resistance!). If you’re in an dysfunctional relationship, sit down, close your eyes, find the pain in your body and say to yourself, “Ok, this is where I am right now. It’s not what I want, but it’s where I am.” Let the pain or whatever you feel surface, then see if you’re able to connect with the feeling of surrendering to the situation as it is. This doesn’t mean you’re happy with it, it just means you acknowledge where you are right now. Only then can you start making changes toward a life and a reality that fulfills you. So simple, and yet so hard.

The word “sorry” is thrown around a lot in our culture, and you may think simply saying it absolves you of wrongdoing. But what about those of us who include a disclaimer after our apologies? I’m sorry, BUT… (I was provoked, you pushed my buttons, you were out of line, etc.). Is that a sincere apology? When you say you’re sorry while placing blame on someone else, that’s a half apology. It means you’re not taking full responsibility, which doesn’t feel very good. Maybe you’re invited out to dinner with friends, but you show up late. Upon arrival you apologize, but say someone should’ve picked a restaurant that was more convenient. Instead of owning your part of not planning well, you blame someone else. Or you get mad at someone for what they say and do not look at how you participated in creating the problem. Instead you say it’s all their fault, but is it? Perhaps you apologize for what you said about this person to others, but still feel they are to blame. You may make these half apologies for fear of being wrong or appearing weak. You want to look like the bigger person and feel you’re doing the right thing, but it’s a place of false power. Blaming of any sort puts you in victimhood. Even if you take some of the responsibility, if you don’t own your part from beginning to end, you miss out on a great opportunity to be empowered. Folks, it’s ok to mess up! We’re all human. The next time you’re tempted to put an asterisk after your apology, ask yourself what you’re afraid of. Is it fear of rejection? Losing status? Not being perfect? Appearing flakey? Not being the “winner”? By not taking responsibility for your actions, do you think you’re preventing those fears from happening? You can’t control what someone does or how they see you. The bottom line is half apologies are inauthentic. It’s a form of hiding and you’ll keep doing it until you start owning your apologies fully, without blame.

Insecurely attached people tend to over-perform and over-compensate for the lack of value they feel inside. They think they have to work extra hard, running the race backwards, in order earn love and attention. This goes beyond people-pleasing. It’s a drive to show someone you’re worth it, needing that external validation, and fearing if you don’t over-perform, you’ll be rejected or abandoned. You may project your low self-esteem on your partner, going above and beyond to show them how wonderful they are so they won’t feel like crap inside. But it’s more a reflection of how you feel about yourself than it being about them. You might push, force or cling, trying to avoid disappointment yet setting yourself up for it by constantly giving to get: cooking a nice dinner or catering to what someone else wants with strings attached. You think you’re giving in a loving way, but it’s really giving so they won’t leave or so you feel valuable enough to deserve them. Over-performing is a pattern, and like all patterns, it can be broken. Pay attention to your tendencies. If you feel yourself wanting to overdo something, stop and sit with what drives you. Is it anxiety? Discomfort? Fear? Neediness? Do you owe someone something as if their time is more valuable than yours? Value can’t be gotten from someone else, and over-performing doesn’t work in the long run anyway. It keeps you on the hamster wheel of always strategizing what you should do next. It causes anxiety and feeds your negative beliefs, keeping you stuck in the same patterns. If what you really want is love and attention, ask how you can give it to yourself. It is only by taking different actions and focusing on self-love that we can break these patterns.

Many people go through life with a certain level of pain, not realizing how much of their behavior is driven by it. What is pain? Anything in your life that is dissatisfying. It’s whatever you feel you can’t handle, or what you TRY to handle with mental strategies. Pain is attached to your negative core beliefs (and there is usually more than one operating): I’m worthless, I don’t deserve, I’m a failure, I’m unlovable, I’m meant to be alone, etc. Although pain is familiar because it’s what we know, we also try to avoid feeling it by numbing, distracting and punishing ourselves or others. Wherever you have a dysfunctional relationship, pain is likely at play. Unfortunately you can’t get rid it by snapping your fingers, but you can move it out of the driver’s seat by getting uncomfortable. Discomfort is actually the opposite of pain. It requires you to let go of control, sit with unpleasant emotions and take different actions. Can you see the difference? Public speaking is uncomfortable, but it’s not pain. When you operate from a place of love and vulnerability, opportunities appear. When you operate from pain, nothing works. As you become aware of pain as your motivation, and how it is tied to your negative beliefs, you can start to break it down. I have a free download to help you identify your core negative beliefs and challenge them. Grab it here http://bit.ly/2EbbzwF.

When a relationship ends, people say they want “closure,” but what does that even mean? What specifically are they looking for? They THINK they emotionally let go, but they still hang on to the hope of some kind of resolution. Unfortunately there’s no such thing as closure, and the need for it comes from a state of attachment. No one owes you anything. And even if you do get what you feel you’re entitled to, it won’t truly make you feel better because what you’re looking for can’t come from another person. Those who seek closure are really after validation. They want to know the relationship was worthwhile. They want to be recognized for how wonderful they are, and for how much they gave. Often their emotions weren’t taken care of in the relationship, so they seek that after the breakup, thinking it will magically happen; like their ex will finally see the light. Closure doesn’t solve any of this, and the pursuit of validation doesn’t end until you give yourself what you’re looking for. Pay attention to your feelings. What do you really need? What are you asking of another person (in words or actions) that you don’t give to yourself? Instead of blaming your ex and needing something from him/her, feel those feelings of having let yourself down. Realize your anger is toward YOU, not them. Thinking someone owes you is a powerless position; you can’t force people to do anything. And if it’s closure you’re seeking, you will never get it from someone else because what you truly need can only come from yourself.

While some things randomly happen out of the blue, when it comes to relationships, almost nothing does. Time shows us over and over that seeds are planted way in the past. Our beliefs set the stage for how we see life, leading to judgments and misunderstandings. We have beliefs about right and wrong, but it’s only our perception. Look at your relationships—romantic, friendships, etc. Where did you rescue or people please or act as the “good friend” in order to appear a certain way? The way we see the world and act toward others is directly related to our childhood. In my friendships I was often the fixer, the rescuer and the smart one. I was also tightly wound, grappling with my insecurities and my value. We often try to convince others we are right, and those with a different perspective are wrong. But then you need to ask yourself why you’re working so hard. Where does your perception come from? It has nothing to do with right or wrong. It just is. Acknowledging and accepting that other people see things differently can have a huge impact on how you interact with them. Judgment of others is a form of protection, so bring the focus back to you and ask why you don’t like that quality in yourself (yep, they’re a mirror for you). If you’re blaming, ask what you want from them, remembering they aren’t seeing things from your perspective. Whatever someone triggers in you isn’t new—it already lives inside

Fear is something we’re all familiar with. We have experiences from childhood that leave us feeling sad, disconnected and fearful, so we go around not trusting life. Instead, we trying to control everything. Attached relationships are born of fear… the fear of intimacy, the fear of being seen, the fear of receiving, etc. Do you know what the opposite of fear is? Love. We choose fear over love all the time without even knowing it. When we’re afraid, we go straight to our head and try to circumvent it logically, ignoring our gut. We don’t want to make a mistake. When fear leads, we try to control things so we can avoid negative outcomes. Focusing on negative outcomes usually results in them happening, however, which leaves us angry because we think life is working against us. We don’t realize WE are choosing it. There is always fear when it comes to change, but it’s the degree to which you allow it to rule your decisions. Acknowledge the fear, then get to know it. Ask yourself where it’s coming from and FEEL what comes up. Don’t answer from your head. Maybe it’s a past situation that led to pain so you want to avoid it happening again, like a relationship where you were hurt. But you don’t have to hit repeat. You can approach it differently this time; you can acknowledge your fear and step into it anyway. Fear will leave you feeling empty inside if you let it lead. Stop choosing it.

Some of us have a misconception that things aren’t going our way or we’re “doing it wrong” because we lack a positive attitude; like acting positive is some sort of magic bullet for happiness. It’s not. How does it feel inside when you’re pretending? To be whole, you have to accept all parts of yourself. Acting positive when you’re not is inauthentic… and tiring. Plus we can sense things about other people, much of the time just by watching them walk in a room. There may be a match at a level we struggle to understand, wondering why we’re drawn to certain people. We are all connected to one another, but it’s not really about positive or negative. It’s more about being open or closed. The energy we put out from this state attracts people who match our availability. If we’re closed, we will meet people who are closed. That’s how it works. When we’re closed, we have a neat and tidy world that is very controlled. It’s familiar. We attract dysfunction because WE are dysfunctional (whether we want to admit it or not). Opening ourselves up and meeting someone who is also open will change things, which is scary. But it’s also much more fulfilling and empowering. Once you understand your part, everything can change. So how does one shift their energy to be more open? Find your emotional walls, your rules and get uncomfortable. Deal with you. Look at your list of yeses and noes. How far have they gotten you? Start by choosing yourself and being authentic. It’s what builds love and value. Second, express gratitude. When we don’t have gratitude for what we have in our lives, we become cynical and detached from possibility. There is no opening for opportunity. Be grateful for your past relationships—good and bad. Practicing gratitude changes you energetically because it opens your heart. And THAT is positive.

When insecurely attached, a lot of us tend to have unreasonably high expectations of other people. We expect them to show up the way they we want them to, and if they don’t, there’s a problem. We do this to validate we’re ok; that we deserve love and attention. And to avoid disappointment. We’re in a constant state of reaction because we can’t handle disappointment, and at the same time we sabotage the situation to make sure we are rejected so we can feel bad about ourselves. Fun, huh? If you have a partner who isn’t performing to your standards, it means you aren’t accepting them for who they are. Maybe they do something you don’t like, so you make assumptions about what they believe about you… they don’t value you, they don’t love you, they question your motivation, etc. You personalize their behavior as a means of confirming your negative beliefs. The people in our lives are mirrors for us, and when you don’t want to look at certain parts of them, it’s a clue to what you don’t want to see in yourself. Instead of being judge and jury to the people in your life, exercise compassion. They are flawed humans just like you. Perfection is an illusion, so stop manufacturing expectations no one can achieve. All it does is create the disappointment you’re trying to avoid. Once you accept your own imperfections, you’ll start to accept others’. Plus it’s impossible to avoid disappointment, so better to learn how to deal with it when it happens.

Those of us who are perfectionists, or trying to prove we are good enough, often take the comments and actions of others personally. It may have nothing to do with their intention, but when we feel judged, we internalize, personalize and think everything we do is wrong. We forget people have their own issues, often projecting their fears onto others, but it can be hard to see that when our emotional buttons are pushed. Who gets annoyed when dealing with customer service? Uh, just about everyone, right? We think they’re deliberately trying to ruin our day, so we get angry and self-righteous. Oh yeah, I used to be that person. I don’t react that way anymore. When you stop to realize it’s not about you, things shift. You don’t know what’s going on with other people; you’re not in their head. Maybe they had a stressful day, or feel guilty for being at work when they have a sick kid at home. Their behavior likely has zero, zip, zilch to do with you. So when you find yourself in a state of reaction to someone (whether it’s a loved one or a stranger), take a breath. Then instead of personalizing, find compassion. This actually isn’t for the benefit of the other person, it’s about doing it for yourself because you’ll feel so much better. We are all flawed humans, and embracing our own flaws helps us more readily accept them in others.

Patience and waiting are two different things, and many of us in attached relationships are in the business of waiting. We wait for someone else to make a move so we feel safe; we wait for signs from the universe to tell us what to do. Waiting is a mental strategy with winners and losers, and it has nothing to do with authenticity. When your goal is to win, you allow the other person to make a move first so you have the illusion of control. You don’t want to do the wrong thing and risk losing. Staring at your phone instead of just contacting the other person creates anxiety, overthinking and focusing on them instead of yourself. You want reassurance you won’t be rejected or abandoned, but waiting and hoping won’t prevent that. You seek validation that you are ok because deep down you don’t feel ok. All of these feelings confirm the negative beliefs we have about ourselves, and we prove them over and over again. To stop the waiting game, you first need to be aware you’re playing. Are you holding back from engaging with others? And when you do engage, is it authentic or are you trying to strategize your way into a winner’s position? Speaking your truth is hard because it’s the opposite of waiting. No one is going to make it safe for you to proceed so you have to step into the discomfort and do it anyway. If you’re waiting to hear from someone, reach out and say whatever is true for you. Maybe it’s simply, “I enjoy our conversations and was just thinking about you.” It’s not about manipulation or trying to get something from them. It’s about taking your power back, saying what’s true and refusing to play the waiting game.

There is a belief in our culture some of us subscribe to that we have to work hard for everything. If it comes easy, it’s either not worth having or we don’t deserve it. Our perception says there’s something wrong if it’s easy. We prioritize effort to force the results we emotionally live and die by, leading to a lack of boundaries followed by overwhelm and exhaustion. This is rampant in work environments where the “first to arrive, last to leave” ethos is valued. But it doesn’t just happen at the office. In both jobs and relationships, we look for challenges so we stay in perpetual motion, only feeling we have value when we’re solving problems. Unfortunately this can lead to creating drama and problems so we have something solve, but when that’s where we focus our energy, we’re avoiding. Great distraction, huh? As a kid, if you didn’t know how to gain attention, unconditional love or validation for just being alive, you would start performing tricks to get it. This belief carries over to adulthood so you think you need to work hard to earn love, respect, recognition, money, etc. But it’s just not true. There are no gold stars for swimming against the current. If you go WITH the current you still have to swim, but you will go farther without working as hard. You’ll find you are more emotionally present and available too. This is the difference between struggle and ease. When you find yourself struggling, ask what will happen if you don’t put forth so much effort. What will you lose? MORE: http://bit.ly/2AFaIE4

Out of all relationships, the parental one is the hardest to change. Our parents were our first teachers about love and acceptance, so we not only pattern our behaviors after them, their opinions matter more than we care to admit. As children we thought they were always right, which meant we were wrong if we didn’t agree or feel the same way. Their worldview helped shaped ours whether we fought against it or not. Consequently as adults, many of us have a hard time trusting our feelings. Parents may also act as masters of pushing our emotional buttons. Parental guilt, anyone? In those triggered moments, we see them as people who don’t understand us, resulting in anger and distancing OR going the opposite direction and over-giving (rescuing, caretaking, etc.) to get validation. Things start to change when you’re able to see them as people, not just as parents. They are flawed and react emotionally just like you. Having emotionally open conversations instead of slipping back into parent/child roles can help. Even if a parent is resistant, you can still find your voice and speak your truth. And if they start pushing your buttons, you get to choose your response. Instead of saying, “Stop disrespecting my choices,” you can flip it to a more empowering statement, “I feel good about my choices, so I won’t engage in a conversation which questions my decisions.” This is not about telling a parent they are right or wrong, it is saying what you choose to engage in, period. I have a free download to help with this, providing example statements to put the focus on you (not them) so you can reclaim your personal power. You can’t change them, but you can change how you interact with them. Visit my show notes page to download “Parental Conversation Scripts: How to Diffuse Heated Conversations.” http://bit.ly/2jSKO7K

So many of us think fulfillment is just on the other side of X. I’ll be happy when I get married, am able to travel, get that awesome job, buy a house, have a few kids, etc. But how often do you put energy toward what you think you want, get it and realize you’re no happier? Then you set a new finish line, arrive and still find something is missing. Focusing on a destination comes from a state of lack. This happens all the time when we compare ourselves to others. So-and-so has a vacation home, high-powered job, beautiful spouse… if I had those things I’d be happy too! But you aren’t walking around inside that person. Maybe he/she is filled with anxiety, drowning in debt and has family issues. You have no clue because the things outside of us don’t necessarily correlate to what’s inside (in fact they often don’t). You probably know all of this intellectually, and yet I see people struggle with it all the time. Newsflash: there is no destination. The journey is here, now, the present, and you get to choose how you participate. You can struggle and swim upstream, of you can accept where you are and surrender to what comes next. When we judge ourselves and think we don’t have enough, it’s because we don’t feel safe. We think if we surrender to life, something bad might happen. Better to look at those who SEEM to have it figured out, and just do what they do. Unfortunately that doesn’t work. Instead, acknowledge your inner judge, accept where you are and enjoy the journey with all its twists and turns. Fulfillment comes from accepting you’ll never get there because there IS no there.

You attract people exactly where you are. If you’re unavailable, you will attract someone who is unavailable. To attract open, you must BE open. People who are attracted to emotionally unavailable people are attached to UNREALISTIC outcomes, and their idea of a good partner is narrow—as in they need to fit the perfect picture. Maybe you want to meet someone so you don’t spend the holidays alone, providing a very limited opening for what you will accept. Even people who have done work on themselves can be drawn to emotionally unavailable people because it’s familiar. It stems from our negative beliefs, particularly “I am alone” and “there is not really enough.” We often look for evidence our beliefs are true, so we attract painful partners. As with everything, the first step is awareness. To move toward available, notice what you’re normally drawn to. What checklists do you have? Forget your “type” and pay attention to how certain attractive qualities feel to you. Where do you feel connected when you are with someone? Look for what you usually dismiss (i.e. values). Get to know yourself while being with people (without expectations) and see how you feel about them. Have a conversation without it needing to lead somewhere. Trying to make something happen doesn’t work, so relax and catch yourself if you start picking people apart. You never know when someone will show up, so stay open to possibility. It’s not about control; it’s about surrender.

Authenticity is a word that’s thrown around a lot, but not many people talk about how hard it is and WHY it’s so hard. Why do people go to such lengths to avoid authenticity and hide who they are? Hiding comes from a lack of self-worth. It stems from shame, guilt, fear of judgment (from others as well as ourselves), lack of self-trust, fear of rejection, etc. When we are used to intellectualizing and trying to control everything, letting go and revealing vulnerable parts of ourselves is difficult. In my years of coaching, I’ve seen all different ways people hide. I myself used to be a Class A hider, and I did it in all areas of my life. What I’ve noticed is there are basically four ways people conceal themselves. They outright lie to themselves and others, they withhold important details, they only reveal the “safe” parts they want others to see (keeping everything under tight control) and they fly under the radar, hoping if they go unnoticed, they won’t be criticized. You may do one or all of them. Hiding robs us of living a full life. To come out into the open, you have to acknowledge all the ways you hide and own it. Instead of being a background player at the office, put your name on your work. Reveal something to a friend or partner that feels uncomfortably vulnerable. People are going to see you how they choose to see you, so why not embrace the freedom that comes from being unapologetically you? Get your free download of "4 Ways People Hide" here: http://bit.ly/2As2wtD

Reality is difficult to deal with. It’s filled with uncomfortable emotions, disappointment and fear. Stories are easier because they require no personal responsibility. When in a state of attachment, we often play out stories in our head based on our beliefs. We assign roles to people, making the other person (often a romantic partner) the perpetrator and rescuer so we can play the victim. Perhaps we create a fantasy where our partner, who continually hurts us or invalidates us, is suddenly going to turn around and rescue us. It sounds crazy, but we do it all the time. The characters and setting may change, but the plot is always the same: victimhood. Waiting for a fantasy to come true is always a powerless position, and it’s how we stay stuck. Being a victim is safe and cozy because you don’t have to deal with your feelings. There is no accountability for your choices. Acknowledging the stories you create and the role you play is hard, but not doing so will keep you on the Drama Triangle of perpetrator, rescuer, victim. Where in your life do you create situations of needing to be rescued? Deciding to live in fantasy or reality is a choice, and it’s yours alone. If your partner doesn’t step up now, waiting for him/her to miraculously do it in the future is a fantasy. Take your power back by speaking your truth, even in the face of potential rejection. Only you can rescue you.