A comedy podcast featuring dramatic readings of one-star reviews written by real people with not-so-real problems. Hosted by Alex and Christine Schiefer. Produced by the Forever Dog Podcast Network.
308: Reviews of Ghost Hunting Equipment
Apologies in advance if Christine sounds too much like a sarcastic crocodile.
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10/23/2024 • 1 hour, 40 minutes, 10 seconds
307: Reviews of Caskets
The scariest thing about a prop should not be the price tag.
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10/16/2024 • 1 hour, 26 minutes, 17 seconds
306: Reviews of Stuff for Your Man Cave
FLATULENCE ALLOWED AND SELECTIVE HEARING ONLY
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10/9/2024 • 1 hour, 29 minutes, 44 seconds
305: Xandy Things Because It's My Birthday
It's not even Xandy's birthday today.
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10/2/2024 • 1 hour, 38 minutes, 40 seconds
304: Reviews of Bell Towers
Set your reminders to listen to this episode in 2035!
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9/25/2024 • 1 hour, 7 minutes, 37 seconds
303: Reviews of Football Stadiums
When you're done listening to this episode, could you bring our mom some nacho cheese?
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9/18/2024 • 1 hour, 13 minutes, 37 seconds
LIVE from Washington, DC!
"Prepare for rude surprises!" We're having a topsy-turvy week over here at Sandmonster HQ so please enjoy one of our favorite live shows - Washington, DC! (Full video version on Patreon!)
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9/11/2024 • 1 hour, 32 minutes, 29 seconds
301: Best Reviews from Tour 2024
Happy Good Friday! We're gonna kick you right in the ass.
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9/4/2024 • 1 hour, 33 minutes, 33 seconds
300: REVIEWS OF BEACH TOO SANDY, WATER TOO WET
"I know this isn't a forum to defend ourselves..." proceed to defend ourselves.
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8/28/2024 • 1 hour, 6 minutes, 6 seconds
299: Reviews of Travel Agencies
We are eagerly awaiting your powerpoint applications.
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8/21/2024 • 1 hour, 33 minutes, 32 seconds
298: Reviews of Wisconsin Dells
We're still not totally sure what Wisconsin Dells is...
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8/14/2024 • 1 hour, 12 minutes, 54 seconds
297: Between You And Us
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8/7/2024 • 53 minutes, 28 seconds
296: Reviews of Pet Supplements
In this episode there's a bird with a taste for human flesh and a Christine with a taste for earthworms.
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7/31/2024 • 1 hour, 36 minutes, 54 seconds
295: LIVE from Salt Lake City!
Our 7/11 live show from Salt Lake City!
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7/24/2024 • 1 hour, 25 minutes, 21 seconds
294: Reviews of Catholic Schools
Did you know we went to Catholic school?
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7/17/2024 • 1 hour, 17 minutes, 4 seconds
293: Reviews of Dog Groomers
If you see Xandy looking for compliments at your local dog groomer... no you didn't.
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7/10/2024 • 1 hour, 18 minutes, 54 seconds
292: Reviews of Fireworks Stores
It's like a foot camel animorph.
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7/3/2024 • 1 hour, 23 minutes, 15 seconds
291: Reviews of Museum Gift Shops
Description:
This episode is full of hits like "Midnight in Charlotte," "Manhattan is Not My Home," and "I love HAM."
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6/26/2024 • 1 hour, 24 minutes, 18 seconds
290: Reviews of Fake Plants
Only real ones can name three pollinators.
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6/19/2024 • 1 hour, 27 minutes
289: Reviews of Pride Parades
We are not liable for any nightmares you might have about AI Jesus with four hands.
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6/12/2024 • 1 hour, 40 minutes, 31 seconds
288: Reviews of Hot Air Balloon Rides
Put your phone on Zeppelin mode and help us get this balloon out of a tree.
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6/5/2024 • 1 hour, 26 minutes, 43 seconds
287: Reviews of Food Delivery Services
Eros hath struck you with his arrow so you have no choice but to love this episode.
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5/29/2024 • 1 hour, 34 minutes, 49 seconds
286: Reviews of Jude Law
Go go gadget penis pump!
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5/22/2024 • 1 hour, 43 minutes, 4 seconds
285: Reviews of Shrek
Coming Soon to Theaters Near You: Get Out of My Swamp (And by Swamp I Mean Reality)
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5/15/2024 • 1 hour, 23 minutes, 10 seconds
284: Reviews of Evil Sounding Drinks
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5/8/2024 • 1 hour, 24 minutes, 8 seconds
283: Reviews of Small-Town Festivals
Root beer milk and a great time coffin coffin thumbs up
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5/1/2024 • 1 hour, 43 minutes, 14 seconds
282: Reviews of Groupons
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4/24/2024 • 1 hour, 40 minutes, 2 seconds
281: Reviews of Mattress Stores
We dedicate this episode to all the productbristas who shop online and inside the stores. No pun intended.
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4/17/2024 • 1 hour, 32 minutes, 7 seconds
280: Reviews of Immersive Experiences
This episode is full of Shrek Humor. Youth groups, you've been warned!
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4/10/2024 • 1 hour, 42 minutes, 29 seconds
279: Review of Paint and Sips
Description: We're not sure who's at fault in most of these paint-and-sip debacles, but it's probably Jude Law.
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4/3/2024 • 1 hour, 29 minutes, 46 seconds
278: Reviews from 2004
Jump 5 right into a gathering of Ricardo's apostles.
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3/27/2024 • 1 hour, 46 minutes, 34 seconds
277: Reviews of Chuck E. Cheese Part 2
Here lies Auston Powers.
Sex? Yes please!
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3/20/2024 • 1 hour, 44 minutes, 35 seconds
276: Reviews of Rest Stops
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3/13/2024 • 1 hour, 34 minutes, 24 seconds
275: Reviews of Fad Water Bottles
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3/6/2024 • 1 hour, 44 minutes, 43 seconds
274: Reviews of Lego
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2/28/2024 • 1 hour, 25 minutes, 40 seconds
273: Reviews of Fall Out Boy
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2/21/2024 • 1 hour, 13 minutes, 38 seconds
272: Reviews of Reality Dating Shows
A kiss is the beginning of everything. -Nolene
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2/14/2024 • 1 hour, 48 minutes, 22 seconds
271: Reviews of The Office
Don't discuss this episode too much, it might make Xandy sick.
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2/7/2024 • 1 hour, 7 minutes, 15 seconds
270: Reviews of Moving Companies
Is that Nana's bong or an empty Gatorade bottle?
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1/31/2024 • 1 hour, 24 minutes, 42 seconds
Episode 269: Reviews of Hot Sauces
YEEEEOWWWW!
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1/24/2024 • 59 minutes, 20 seconds
268: Reviews of Schiefer
Please don't be offended, wine freaks.
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1/17/2024 • 1 hour, 21 minutes
267: Between You And Us
It's interesting to look back how my views have changed since middle school.
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1/10/2024 • 1 hour, 30 minutes, 35 seconds
266: Reviews of Community Colleges
Welcome to another episode, we're your hosts LighthouseLover and HisExuberantGiraffe.
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1/3/2024 • 1 hour, 13 minutes, 46 seconds
259: Glassdoor Reviews
Ignore what he said in the episode, you can listen to Xandy's episode on Twisted & Uncorked now! https://open.spotify.com/episode/6j2w5w5Cm8jd6WGh4DSiwB?si=d2f4747cb9414e8f
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11/15/2023 • 1 hour, 4 minutes, 35 seconds
258: Reviews of Hair Dye
Watch the short film Xandy acted in! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0i9-4MaLYRE
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11/8/2023 • 1 hour, 8 minutes, 11 seconds
257: Reviews of Horror Movies
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11/1/2023 • 1 hour, 19 minutes, 33 seconds
256: Reviews of Naughty Halloween Costumes
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10/25/2023 • 1 hour, 19 minutes, 4 seconds
255: Reviews of Pet Halloween Costumes
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10/18/2023 • 1 hour, 10 minutes, 53 seconds
254: Reviews of Corn Mazes
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10/11/2023 • 1 hour, 23 minutes, 51 seconds
253: Reviews of Florida Man
Read more about the issues surrounding the Florida Man meme: https://www.washingtonpost.com/made-by-history/2022/09/14/florida-men-are-notorious-heres-where-meme-came/
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/magazine/wp/2019/07/15/feature/is-it-okay-to-laugh-at-florida-man-2/
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10/4/2023 • 1 hour, 11 minutes, 36 seconds
252: Reviews of Laser Tag
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9/27/2023 • 1 hour, 6 minutes, 33 seconds
251: Reviews of Trails
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9/20/2023 • 1 hour, 15 minutes, 44 seconds
250: Reviews of Children’s Museums
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9/13/2023 • 1 hour, 18 minutes, 8 seconds
249: Reviews of Microwave Meals
Listen to Xandy on D Listers of History! https://open.spotify.com/episode/3Gc3IjTw49KV86FeDjSWo1?si=zPcz1sgyT3S-2g0RKYrZVA
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9/6/2023 • 1 hour, 20 minutes, 43 seconds
248: Best Reviews From Tour
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8/30/2023 • 1 hour, 11 minutes, 40 seconds
247: Reviews of Haunted Hotels
Fun fact: hot springs in Arkansas are an aphrodisiac!
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8/23/2023 • 1 hour, 11 minutes, 58 seconds
246: Dr. Christine
Messy self always.
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8/16/2023 • 52 minutes, 27 seconds
245: Reviews of Topgolf
This episode is NOT brought to you by Big Beef.
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8/9/2023 • 1 hour, 8 minutes, 31 seconds
244: Reviews of Squishmallows
We apologize for what this episode does for Temu coffin sales.
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8/2/2023 • 1 hour, 31 minutes, 36 seconds
243: Reviews of Hobby Lobby
Ts and Ps for all the victims of the retail apocalypse.
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7/26/2023 • 56 minutes, 1 second
242: Reviews of Smut
We apologize for what this episode does for holy chrism oil sales.
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7/19/2023 • 1 hour, 32 minutes, 48 seconds
241: Reviews of Whole Foods
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7/12/2023 • 1 hour, 17 minutes, 54 seconds
240: Reviews of Thrift Stores
For mormon’s sake, don’t come near Fort Schiefer. We will hit on sight.
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7/5/2023 • 1 hour, 12 minutes, 15 seconds
239: Reviews of County Fairs and Porn
This one goes out to all the dirty birds.
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6/28/2023 • 1 hour, 18 minutes, 17 seconds
238: Twilight or Classic Literature?
Tune in to find out what book is full of sexually frustrated cannibals!
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6/21/2023 • 56 minutes, 3 seconds
237: Reviews of Classic Literature
I liked the ending of this episode. The part where it ended.
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6/14/2023 • 58 minutes, 40 seconds
236: Reviews of Twilight
when i saw this podcast live, there were team xandy girls in the bathroom and they wouldnt let team xtine girls enter
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6/7/2023 • 1 hour, 15 minutes, 14 seconds
235: Reviews of Themed Bed and Breakfasts
You certainly won't be trapped psychotherapeutically while listening to this episode. Promise.
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5/31/2023 • 1 hour, 32 minutes, 36 seconds
234: Reviews of Vacation Bible Schools
Description:
The hypocrites who produced this episode will be judged by the Lord in full, LOL.
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5/24/2023 • 1 hour, 15 minutes, 45 seconds
233: Reviews of 90s Computer Games
Freddi Fish, Putt-Putt, Spy Fox, Pajama Sam, and Fatty Bear walk into a podcast episode...
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5/17/2023 • 1 hour, 32 minutes, 19 seconds
232: Reviews of Coachella
If every duck was a balloon, the world might be a better place.
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5/10/2023 • 55 minutes, 31 seconds
231: Reviews of Preschools
This week we ponder a question as old as time: Are rats in a preschool better dead or alive?
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5/3/2023 • 1 hour, 6 minutes, 36 seconds
230: Reviews of Disney Channel Original Movies
ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM YOU MAKE MY HEART GO BOOM BOOM
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4/26/2023 • 1 hour, 32 minutes, 3 seconds
229: Reviews of Weed
Happy 4/20 to those who celebrate! Sincere apologies to those who don't...
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4/19/2023 • 1 hour, 15 minutes, 22 seconds
228: Reviews of Rage Rooms
Put your belongings in a garbage bag lined crate, throw on your enormous gardening gloves, and prepare to feel the rage COFFIN
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4/12/2023 • 1 hour, 19 minutes
PREVIEW: Xandy and Christine on Double Threat
This week Xandy and Christine appeared on fellow Forever Dog podcast Double Threat, hosted by Tom Scharpling and Julie Klausner, to read reviews of Kid Rock's 1st Annual Fish Fry, Popeye's Village, a steampunk chocolate restaurant, and more!
If you enjoy this preview, check out the full episode by subscribing to Double Threat. New episodes every Monday.
https://linktr.ee/doublethreat
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4/10/2023 • 8 minutes, 54 seconds
227: Reviews of Hallmark Movies
This week we discover that Zak Bagans is just a regular normal guy!
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4/5/2023 • 1 hour, 10 minutes, 1 second
226: Reviews of 90s Sitcoms
20 years from now Beach Too Sandy will have been consigned to the dustbin of forgotten podcasts...
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3/29/2023 • 1 hour, 43 minutes, 21 seconds
225: Reviews of Amusement Parks
Sending good vibes from Grandma poopy 1 2 3 4 5!
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3/22/2023 • 1 hour, 18 minutes, 39 seconds
224: Reviews of Breastaurants
Christine's comedy might be legendary, but Hooters is no place for it.
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3/15/2023 • 1 hour, 24 minutes, 22 seconds
223: Reviews of Pawn Shops
Christine no likey this episode. But Xandy likey very muchy!
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3/8/2023 • 1 hour, 16 minutes, 15 seconds
222: Reviews of Boxed Wine
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3/1/2023 • 1 hour, 29 minutes, 22 seconds
221: Reviews of Valentine's Candy
Satan? Beelzebub? Lucifer? Dana?
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2/22/2023 • 59 minutes, 48 seconds
220: Reviews of Church Festivals
Please have your kids listen to our podcast while they're too young to argue!
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2/15/2023 • 1 hour, 7 minutes, 48 seconds
219: Reviews of The Sims
Sul sul! Benzi Chibna Looble Bazebni Gweb.
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2/8/2023 • 1 hour, 27 minutes, 15 seconds
218: Reviews of Subscription Boxes
We'll bet you two wooden nickels MeUndies never sponsors us again.
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2/1/2023 • 1 hour, 15 minutes, 14 seconds
217: Reviews of Stores that No Longer Exist
We've come to the conclusion that perhaps it is our listeners defecating (pun intended)
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1/25/2023 • 1 hour, 30 minutes, 15 seconds
216: Reviews of Gated Communities
We're just hoping you don't rate your podcast based on physique and eating habits...
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1/18/2023 • 1 hour, 5 minutes, 2 seconds
215: Reviews of Buffet Restaurants
We hope you enjoy this episode of Beach Too Sandy, Farts Too Wet!
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1/11/2023 • 1 hour, 21 minutes, 55 seconds
214: Reviews of Wedding DJs
In this episode we go deep under cover and get lost in the sauce
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1/4/2023 • 1 hour, 17 minutes, 18 seconds
213: Reviews of Gingerbread Houses
All hail Dong Man and the Satan Dog!
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12/28/2022 • 1 hour, 4 minutes, 7 seconds
212: Reviews of Mall Santas
Fool me twice, I've gotta yelp it!
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12/21/2022 • 1 hour, 15 minutes, 2 seconds
211: Reviews of Elf on the Shelf
Tag yourself! Xtine is Lucifer the Elf and Xandy is Bendy Naughty Boy...
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12/14/2022 • 1 hour, 21 minutes, 34 seconds
210: Reviews of Hallmark Christmas Movies
Come ride the American Idol/Soap Opera/Hallmark Pipeline with us!
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12/8/2022 • 1 hour, 12 minutes, 52 seconds
209: Reviews of Towns with Lewd Names
Was Coolio talking about a Chuck E. Cheese?
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12/8/2022 • 1 hour, 20 minutes, 1 second
208: Reviews of Caves
Who killed a snake in here?
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11/23/2022 • 1 hour, 31 minutes, 13 seconds
207: Reviews of Ben & Jerry's
Repeat after us: MORALS! OVER! FROZEN! MILK!
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11/16/2022 • 1 hour, 12 minutes, 45 seconds
206: Reviews of Our Dad's Mail
Coming Soon: Beach Too Sandy X Stinky Boy
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11/9/2022 • 1 hour, 17 minutes, 24 seconds
205: Reviews of HOT TOPIC
Only having $9 billion is like shoving a ping pong ball up your nose.
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11/2/2022 • 1 hour, 2 minutes, 45 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 41
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10/31/2022 • 40 minutes, 57 seconds
204: Reviews of Chuck E. Cheese
We would like to citizens arrest Charles Entertainment Cheese.
-Love, Xandy and Xtine
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10/26/2022 • 1 hour, 37 minutes, 9 seconds
203: Reviews of Spirit Halloween Stores
More like (Demonic) Spirit Halloween Stores amirite?
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10/19/2022 • 48 minutes, 39 seconds
202: The Eek! Episode
Your favorite eductinal podcast is back!
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10/12/2022 • 1 hour, 11 minutes
201: Reviews of Children's Shows
WARNING: Episode contains spoilers for Caillou.
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10/5/2022 • 1 hour, 24 minutes, 14 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 40
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9/30/2022 • 33 minutes, 47 seconds
200: Reviews of Our Embarrassing Moments
If this episode doesn't get our podcast into the Library of Congress, we don't know what will.
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9/28/2022 • 1 hour, 46 minutes, 6 seconds
199: Wedding Chapels in Las Vegas, NV
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9/21/2022 • 1 hour, 3 minutes, 31 seconds
198: Reviews of Matchmaking Services
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9/14/2022 • 1 hour, 16 minutes, 13 seconds
197: Reviews of Board Games
Games and balls.
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9/7/2022 • 1 hour, 1 minute, 11 seconds
196: Reviews of Useless Wish Products
We're all thumbs if you know what we mean...
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8/31/2022 • 1 hour, 4 minutes, 40 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 39
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8/29/2022 • 29 minutes, 51 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 38
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8/26/2022 • 36 minutes, 45 seconds
195: Reviews of 55+ Communities
I don't remember this, but in Christine's notes she wrote "Decatur, AL, Porno" and that probably sums up this episode somehow.
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8/24/2022 • 54 minutes, 7 seconds
194: Reviews of Summer Camps
Warning: This episode might induce estranged relations with one's parents.
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8/17/2022 • 1 hour, 20 minutes, 4 seconds
193: Reviews of Cruises
At the core, the true Xandy is a cool cruiser EEK!
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8/10/2022 • 1 hour, 40 minutes, 12 seconds
192: Reviews of Claire's
Listen to find out where the Teletubbies got their work done.
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8/3/2022 • 1 hour, 21 minutes, 21 seconds
191: Reviews of Recipes
“…And if you gaze long into the food blog. The food blog gazes also into you.” - Friedrich Nietzsche
Buy your tickets for our Chicago (Beantown) show! beachtoosandy.com/tour
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7/27/2022 • 1 hour, 11 minutes, 32 seconds
190: Reviews of Cemeteries
What kind of loon wants to steal from a pet cemetery? Well, it might be someone closer to you than you think.
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7/20/2022 • 1 hour, 12 minutes, 17 seconds
189: Reviews of Chipotle
Corn ;)
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7/13/2022 • 1 hour, 15 minutes, 31 seconds
188: Toddler Beds
Anyone know a way to tell if something is bird poop without tasting it? Asking for a friend...
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7/6/2022 • 1 hour, 19 minutes, 17 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 37
This episode is highly unprofessional, distressing, confusing, and plain weird. Oh wait, that's all our episodes...
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Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
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6/30/2022 • 34 minutes, 2 seconds
187: Reviews of Camera Stores
Please go the extra three inches and support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy!
Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
Get ready for our new Bitch Too Sandy pin!!! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet
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6/29/2022 • 1 hour, 22 minutes, 39 seconds
186: Reviews of Trader Joe's
Only 1780s kids love Slipknot!!
Trader Joe's United: https://traderjoesunited.org/ | https://twitter.com/TraderJoesUnite
Listen to Xandy on this week's episode of Twisted & Uncorked: https://spoti.fi/3n4zVkr
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Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
New merch including an EEK! pin!!! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet
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6/22/2022 • 1 hour, 1 minute, 39 seconds
185: Reviews of Ships
Unfortunately for Xandy, this week we learn that there truly is an 'Eek!' for everything.
Listen to Xandy on this week's episode of Twisted & Uncorked: https://spoti.fi/3Q9Ng86
Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
New merch including an EEK! pin!!! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet
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6/15/2022 • 1 hour, 7 minutes, 24 seconds
184: Reviews of Reality TV Shows
User TitObsessedWankophile gives this episode 5 stars!!
Listen to Xandy on this week's episode of Twisted & Uncorked: https://spoti.fi/3Q9Ng86
Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
New merch including an EEK! pin!!! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet
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6/8/2022 • 1 hour, 44 minutes, 26 seconds
183: Reviews of Michelin Star Restaurants
How you going? I hope you get laser eye surgery. Sincerely, Gazza.
Tour Tickets: beachtoosandy.com/tour
Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
New merch including an EEK! pin!!! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet
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6/1/2022 • 1 hour, 10 minutes, 16 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 36
We worship the almighty dollar, so buy tickets for our tour!
Tour Tickets: beachtoosandy.com/tour
Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/hauntedtofu
Check out our Instagram: instagram.com/beachtoosandy
Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy!
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5/31/2022 • 35 minutes, 15 seconds
182: Reviews of Cat Cafes
Welcome to Toby's Toe Beans! Grab a catpurrccino and enjoy our homemade DNA ornaments.
Tour Tickets: beachtoosandy.com/tour
Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
New merch including an EEK! pin!!! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet
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5/25/2022 • 1 hour, 7 minutes, 33 seconds
181: Reviews of Waffle Houses
We revisit one of our favorite places and learn about a few new places, including the International House of Bologna!
Tour Tickets: beachtoosandy.com/tour
Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
New merch including an EEK! pin!!! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet
Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/hauntedtofu
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5/18/2022 • 1 hour, 20 minutes, 1 second
180: Reviews of Towing Companies
Come see us live in Hawaii!! Or is it Ohio? Is there even a difference?
Tour Tickets: beachtoosandy.com/tour
Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
New merch including a Pigoin pin!!! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet
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5/11/2022 • 1 hour, 15 minutes, 10 seconds
179: Reviews of IKEA
If you're a freedom loving American, good luck with your carpenting!
Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
New merch including a Pigoin pin!!! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet
Tour Tickets: beachtoosandy.com/tour
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5/4/2022 • 1 hour, 26 minutes, 38 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 35
Tour Tickets: beachtoosandy.com/tour
Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
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4/30/2022 • 38 minutes, 39 seconds
178: Reviews of Children's Books
We hope this episode doesn't haunt you the way we're haunted by the American Midwest between 1870 and 1894.
Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
New merch including a Pigoin pin!!! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet
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4/27/2022 • 1 hour, 22 minutes, 34 seconds
177: Reviews of As Seen On TV Products
We read reviews of some of the weirdest items you can see on your TV. And come up with new nicknames for Xandy along the way.
Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
New merch including a Pigoin pin!!! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet
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4/20/2022 • 1 hour, 40 minutes, 27 seconds
176: Reviews of American Girl Doll Locations
Fingers crossed you don't judge our live shows based on how heavy the doors are...
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4/13/2022 • 1 hour, 27 minutes, 13 seconds
175: Reviews of Exterminators
Your Bootylicious hosts are back!! TGBTG!! PTL!!
Tour Tickets: beachtoosandy.com/tour
Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
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4/6/2022 • 1 hour, 39 minutes, 26 seconds
174: Etsy Reviews
Listen to the Psychic Psyblings and their ramblings. And don't forget to see them live in Ohio!
Tour Tickets: beachtoosandy.com/tour
Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
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3/30/2022 • 1 hour, 20 minutes, 13 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 34
Tour Tickets: beachtoosandy.com/tour
Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
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3/28/2022 • 37 minutes, 37 seconds
173: Reviews of Rainforest Cafe
Or should we say, Reviews of Cracker Barrel Jungle Excursion?
Tour Tickets: beachtoosandy.com/tour
Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
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3/23/2022 • 1 hour, 39 minutes, 54 seconds
172: Reviews of Coffee Shops in Amsterdam
In this chaotic episode, we discover that corpses do not be Gucci...
Tour Tickets: beachtoosandy.com/tour
Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
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3/16/2022 • 1 hour, 29 minutes, 46 seconds
171: Reviews of Hard Rock Cafe
Rollin' down the street, smokin' indo, sippin' on Hennessy and sunscreen.
Xandy's Stream: twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
Xtine's Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/hauntedtofu
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3/9/2022 • 1 hour, 23 minutes, 16 seconds
170: Reviews of Benihana
We also talk about Hooters' best selling items! *checks notes* Uh milk and baked beans...
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3/2/2022 • 1 hour, 15 minutes, 6 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 33
Aunts and ants alike will LOVE this episode.
For more bonus content, check out our Patreon: patreon.com/beachtoosandy!
Check out our merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet
Listen to Alex's newest podcast, Human Seeking Human: https://linktr.ee/humanseekingpod
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2/28/2022 • 34 minutes, 40 seconds
169: Reviews of Halls of Fame
We hope this episode makes you giggle galore until you can't breathe.
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2/23/2022 • 1 hour, 18 minutes, 46 seconds
168: Reviews of Sushi Restaurants in Landlocked States
The biggest paradox is that two people who don't know what they're talking about... talk for a living. Did we finally use that word right?
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2/16/2022 • 1 hour, 56 seconds
167: Reviews of Shein Products
See pics of some of these ridiculous products on our Instagram! instagram.com/beachtoosandy
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2/9/2022 • 1 hour, 18 minutes, 40 seconds
166: Reviews of Phone Repair Shops
While you're out shopping for Bitch Too Sandy perfume, be sure to pick up Christine's latest book: Costumer Service 101!
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2/2/2022 • 1 hour, 20 minutes, 54 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 32
What's good for the goose is good for this podcast.
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1/31/2022 • 51 minutes, 6 seconds
165: Reviews of Perfumes
BITCH TOO SANDY... coming soon to a department store near you!
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1/26/2022 • 2 hours, 40 seconds
164: Revisiting Old Friends
Come down to the Lizard Hole! Tonight's entertainment is Christine singing and Xandy playing game show host again...
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1/19/2022 • 1 hour, 52 minutes, 32 seconds
163: Reviews of Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville
If you want a full version of 'Toes in the Sand,' let us know and we'll give you recommendations for therapists.
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1/12/2022 • 1 hour, 37 minutes, 40 seconds
162: Reviews of Helen, Georgia
Throw on your airbrushed lederhosen, because we're going tubbing!
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1/5/2022 • 1 hour, 20 minutes, 32 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 31
You know what they say... Whatever can't kill you is a terrible product.
For more bonus content, check out our Patreon: patreon.com/beachtoosandy!
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12/31/2021 • 31 minutes, 3 seconds
161: Reviews of Lighthouses
What is a lighthouse if not a house with a light on it?
Check out Xandy's TikTok lighthouse adventures: https://tiktok.com/@xandyschiefer
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12/29/2021 • 1 hour, 33 minutes, 8 seconds
160: Reviews of Ornaments
You can tell we're handling the holidays well when we're wishing you a Happy New Year over a week early...
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12/22/2021 • 1 hour, 18 minutes, 7 seconds
159: Holiday Reviews
Gather round as we try to figure out the true meaning behind Mensch on the Bench.
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12/15/2021 • 1 hour, 18 minutes, 18 seconds
158: QVC Holiday Special
Want to join the sisterhood of the traveling poopy pants? Listen to the episode to find out how!
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12/8/2021 • 1 hour, 7 minutes, 49 seconds
157: Reviews of Christmas Tree Farms
Ding dong!
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12/1/2021 • 1 hour, 12 minutes, 41 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 30
For more bonus content, check out our Patreon: patreon.com/beachtoosandy!
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11/30/2021 • 42 minutes, 43 seconds
156: Subway or Subway?
Enjoy this game show style episode that has all the brown fixins you can ask for!
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11/24/2021 • 55 minutes
155: Reviews of Subway Sandwiches
This week, Xandy talks about his biggest shame while Christine judges as if she's never catfished anyone before...
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11/17/2021 • 1 hour, 11 minutes, 16 seconds
154: Reviews of Subway Stations
Go see pics of Xandy at The Transit Museum: instagram.com/beachtoosandy
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11/10/2021 • 1 hour, 9 minutes, 29 seconds
153: Rate My Professors
Please give us some chili peppers, it'd make us so happie!
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11/3/2021 • 56 minutes, 39 seconds
152: Reviews of Halloween Attractions
If you look up in the night sky, you just may see the siblings Schiefer flying by.
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10/27/2021 • 1 hour, 13 minutes, 14 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 29
Between talks of foreplay and vacuums, this episode really sucks.
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10/25/2021 • 42 minutes, 28 seconds
151: Reviews of Halloween Costumes
Lovely Clown Xandy coming to a party near you!
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10/20/2021 • 49 minutes, 23 seconds
150: Reviews of Halloween Movies
Christine is one step closer to her final form: White Mist.
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10/13/2021 • 1 hour, 12 minutes, 10 seconds
149: Pumpkin Reviews
Christine finally admits she wouldn't fly to Maine to teach a child about the birds and the bees.
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10/6/2021 • 1 hour, 1 minute, 56 seconds
148: The Ultimate Karen
While Xandy was busy browsing our subreddit, Christine went down a rabbit hole of misery. Enjoy!
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9/29/2021 • 1 hour, 10 minutes, 52 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 28
Don't forget to wear goggles if you approach Xandy in public!
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9/27/2021 • 37 minutes, 25 seconds
147: Reviews of Whale Watching
Someone PLEASE erect a statue of Xandy...
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9/22/2021 • 1 hour, 5 minutes, 39 seconds
146: Reviews of Beanie Babies
We apologize for the bummer parade we're about to take you on...
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9/15/2021 • 1 hour, 17 minutes, 24 seconds
145: Reviews of Airports
This week we learn that Christine and Xandy should never be in a cockpit together.
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9/8/2021 • 1 hour, 11 minutes, 4 seconds
144: Reviews of Cracker Barrels
You've been asking for it, and it's here! Get your Warning: Contains Sexy Stuff merch here: https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet
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9/1/2021 • 1 hour, 24 minutes, 2 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 27
The devil smiles as another bonus episode is released.
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8/31/2021 • 32 minutes, 49 seconds
143: Reviews of Minor League Baseball Stadiums
Toasty please hit Xandy up. He won't stop talking about you.
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8/25/2021 • 1 hour, 36 minutes, 1 second
142: Reviews of Public Art
If enough people sign up for our Patreon, maybe we can afford to commission a new vein on Blucifer's penis.
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8/18/2021 • 1 hour, 33 minutes, 43 seconds
141: Reviews of Storage Facilities
Fingers crossed no one finds out we, just like Barry on Storage Wars, get paid for what we do...
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8/11/2021 • 1 hour, 25 minutes, 48 seconds
140: Reviews of Candle Stores
Please don't yank your candle while listening to this episode.
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8/4/2021 • 1 hour, 42 minutes, 1 second
Between You And Us: Episode 26
Oalf is a bad role model.
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7/31/2021 • 47 minutes, 6 seconds
139: Reviews of Truck Stops
Christine found another forum to explore, which means Xandy is one step closer to quitting the podcast...
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7/28/2021 • 1 hour, 18 minutes, 54 seconds
138: Reviews of Ripley's Believe It or Not!
Picture if you will a podcast, where, believe it or not, they discuss big honkers.
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7/21/2021 • 1 hour, 22 minutes, 56 seconds
137: Reviews of Car Rentals
We're here for more bible analysis. With maybe a review or two sprinkled in...
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7/14/2021 • 1 hour, 12 minutes, 18 seconds
136: Reviews of Islands
The footnote to Christine's life is her pending patent for a new form of animated candy dispenser.
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7/7/2021 • 1 hour, 39 minutes, 27 seconds
135: Reviews of Pride Merch
Don't be so naive...
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6/30/2021 • 57 minutes, 21 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 25
Beans be bussin
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6/29/2021 • 47 minutes, 51 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 24
Listen to this episode to for tips on how to keep Joe Biden away from your hard case luggage!
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6/28/2021 • 56 minutes, 35 seconds
134: Reviews of Dick's Last Resorts
We finally find reviews where people are upset they didn't get verbally abused. What is this podcast coming to?
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6/23/2021 • 1 hour, 18 minutes, 37 seconds
133: Reviews of Gay Bars
Isn't it strange how when you're in Anchorage, AK things aren't quite the same as they are in New York, NY? Ugh better write a one-star review about it!
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6/16/2021 • 1 hour, 19 minutes, 57 seconds
132: Reviews of Public Pools
Just a couple of siblings who've been gathering filth since the 90s. If anyone asks, we came up with that.
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6/9/2021 • 1 hour, 43 minutes, 43 seconds
131: Reviews of the Gaylord Opryland
If you feel like a gay royal on a pride float, this episode is for you! If you like raisins, this episode is not for you!
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6/2/2021 • 1 hour, 28 minutes, 23 seconds
130: Reviews of the Mall of America
:~| 8~| 8~/ :~(
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5/26/2021 • 1 hour, 19 minutes, 57 seconds
129: Reviews of Obscure Museums
How will I tell my children that these podcasters were not cats?
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5/19/2021 • 1 hour, 50 minutes, 54 seconds
128: World's Largest Landmarks
Wow, we finally did it y'all. We proved that evolution isn't real and Darwin is a false prophet. Time to praise the Oklahoma Peanut Princess instead!
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Christine is pregnant!!!! But more importantly, Alex is on Tinder.
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5/5/2021 • 1 hour, 23 minutes, 51 seconds
126: Diners on Route 66
Xylophone
A
N
D
Y
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4/28/2021 • 1 hour, 34 minutes, 4 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 23
In our humble but honorable opinions, it's about time ski resorts start serving nachos. PERIDOT.
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4/26/2021 • 41 minutes, 17 seconds
125: Pasty Shops in Michigan
Interested in Jared Leto and Marky Mark's nipples? This is the episode for you! Oh wait, wrong type of pasties...
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4/21/2021 • 1 hour, 14 minutes, 22 seconds
124: Reviews of Escape Rooms
Not sure if Christine's casket story is something I need to talk to the police about or not... Please advise.
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4/14/2021 • 1 hour, 19 minutes, 41 seconds
123: Lil Nas X
This week we talk about the latest flash in the satanic panic. His name is Montero and he worships pentagons or pentagrams or something. Enjoy the art!
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4/7/2021 • 1 hour, 8 minutes, 6 seconds
122: Reviews of Churches
Catch us in Spotify's new playlist: Podcasts brought down by Scientology. Hopefully we can still make it as minions at a megachurch!
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3/31/2021 • 1 hour, 30 minutes, 38 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 22
We're reading reviews sent in by you! To send your favorite reviews in, write to [email protected] with the subject "Between You and Us"
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3/29/2021 • 57 minutes, 51 seconds
121: Reviews of Fish Fries
If you don't pray to the tabernacle of Betsy or Fish Fry Daddy, then what're you doing with your life? Probably poppin' pillies and listening to Tupac...
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3/24/2021 • 1 hour, 25 minutes, 2 seconds
120: Bagel Shops in New York, New York
To anyone who wants to buy the rights to Boris' Yelp account for their dissertation, please get in touch. Oh and FBI, you're welcome for finding the Zodiac Killer. Alex will accept his medal now.
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3/17/2021 • 1 hour, 6 minutes, 1 second
119: Reviews of Crystal Shops
Christine is throwing stinging bites at reviewers while Alex wonders where you were all conceived.
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3/10/2021 • 59 minutes, 9 seconds
118: Reviews of Six Flags
The demonic Foghorn Leghorn rises from his coffin after 30 hours of eating cockroaches. Bert and Ernie quake in fear.
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3/3/2021 • 56 minutes, 6 seconds
117: Valentine's Day Reviews
This episode will have you believing in love and God. We hope it makes you ripple ;)
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2/24/2021 • 38 minutes, 17 seconds
116: Poutineries in Canada
A lot is resting on this wiener.
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2/17/2021 • 55 minutes, 38 seconds
115: Reviews of Girl Scout Cookies
We almost titled this episode "The Girl Scouts Trip to the Slaughterhouse."
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2/10/2021 • 1 hour, 9 minutes, 8 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 21
We're reading reviews sent in by you! Including possibly our least favorite review of all time... #FrozenHaters #IHateFrozen To send your favorite reviews in, write to [email protected] with the subject "Between You and Us"
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2/8/2021 • 40 minutes, 42 seconds
114: Reviews of Renaissance Fairs
Warning: atheists and jugglers ahead. Don't say the town crier didn't warn you...
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2/3/2021 • 1 hour, 55 seconds
113: Government Buildings in Hawaii
I would not buy this for my cat. I would not buy this for my hat. I do not like it, Sam I am.
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1/27/2021 • 46 minutes, 48 seconds
112: Reviews of Music Venues
Please consider contributing to the fundraiser for Milan Loncar: https://www.gofundme.com/f/milans-memory
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1/20/2021 • 58 minutes, 39 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 20
Hello plebs.. plubs? We're ready reviews you found on the internet and sent to us! To send yours in write to [email protected] with the subject "Between You and Us"
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1/18/2021 • 28 minutes, 2 seconds
111: Reviews of Golden Corral
Grab your pizgetlovy and stay close to the bathroom, because we've immune system compromising reviews to read ya!
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1/13/2021 • 1 hour, 7 minutes, 27 seconds
110: Ghost Towns in Texas
Wait... what's that noise? Oh god Vicki's coming! Hurry, climb up the rocks. No, the colorful ones! But wait, don't forget to ask first. Oh no it's too late...
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1/6/2021 • 49 minutes
109: New Year Reviews
*bomb* *cross* *airplane* if you know what we mean :grin:
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12/30/2020 • 59 minutes, 2 seconds
108: Holiday Reviews
Four days and seven scores ago, Tim Allen learned the secrets of Santa Claus from his father. And now we’re here to pass those secrets on to you. Enjoy!
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12/23/2020 • 1 hour, 4 minutes, 56 seconds
107: Reviews of Driving Schools
We're just two podcasters trying to make an honest living. So what if we like looking at hotties with honkers?
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12/16/2020 • 51 minutes, 3 seconds
106: MLMs in Utah
If you can get past our weird improv, you'll get to hear all about a great opportunity. Get in on the ground floor of our new oat milk multilevel marketing company! We'll even let you be a CEO! Boss babes only.
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12/9/2020 • 1 hour, 47 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 19
We're back with Between You And Us and it's amazing, crazing, looking for the mazing! Sorry we haven't been releasing these, we've just been so busy being ourselves since we can't be sharks.
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12/7/2020 • 45 minutes, 56 seconds
105: Reviews of Target
This episode is brought to you by refrigeration and Gucci. Learn more at this year's Downton Abbey expo in Minot, ND.
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12/2/2020 • 1 hour, 4 minutes, 54 seconds
104: Black Friday Reviews
This episode is sponsored by corporations that would probably not approve of our content. Just kidding, it's sponsored by the holy trinity of luxury: Gucci, FedEx, and UPS.
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11/25/2020 • 56 minutes, 40 seconds
103: Tourist Attractions in South Dakota
While we set the bar merely a millimeter above the ground, you can't deny this is the absolute BEST podcast hosted by siblings with the last name Schiefer!
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11/18/2020 • 58 minutes, 10 seconds
102: Reviews of Private Investigators
Or are they private dicks? Regardless, we're scared of them almost as much as we are of the idea that there won't be a Santa Clause 4 #TimAllenForSC4
Check out our new merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Subscribe to Christine's YouTube channel to watch her read creepy stories! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb-gAs8Evw3ht70wTk1TiMA Listen to Alex's newest podcast, Human Seeking Human: https://linktr.ee/humanseekingpod Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops.
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11/11/2020 • 1 hour, 5 minutes, 42 seconds
101: Autumnal Reviews
This week we explore our new favorite place to find reviews: QVC. It inspires Alex to start his campaign to become one of their next presenters, and it inspires Christine to start writing her new screenplay Alvin and the Chipmunks: After Dark.
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11/4/2020 • 1 hour, 13 minutes, 2 seconds
100: THE WORST OF BEACH TOO SANDY, WATER TOO WET
We did the unthinkable! We made it to 100 episodes. Take a horrifying stroll down memory lane with us as we revisit the funniest, most cringe-worthy reviews we've read thus far.
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10/28/2020 • 2 hours, 31 minutes, 50 seconds
99: Halloween Reviews
WARNING: CONTAINS SEXY STUFF. Which basically just means we talk about Charlie Brown and Spooky Buddies. Please be safe this Halloween season and don't summon Satin and keep your wife away from lovely yellow minions.
Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sell out! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Subscribe to Christine's YouTube channel to watch her read creepy stories! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb-gAs8Evw3ht70wTk1TiMA Listen to Alex's newest podcast, Human Seeking Human: https://linktr.ee/humanseekingpod Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops.
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10/21/2020 • 1 hour, 4 minutes, 53 seconds
98: Cemeteries in Louisiana
Hey ghostie, bring that thicc smoky body this way ;)
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10/14/2020 • 52 minutes, 38 seconds
97: Apple Orchards in New Hampshire
Welcome to Asparagus: Fully Plucked, where we provide educational agriculture content to all members of Pat's Kingdom. So sit back, roll a rug in a bug, and enjoy!
Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sell out! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Subscribe to Christine's YouTube channel to watch her read creepy stories! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb-gAs8Evw3ht70wTk1TiMA Follow Alex on Twitch for Jackbox Games and more! https://www.twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops.
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10/7/2020 • 53 minutes, 2 seconds
96: Corn Mazes in Iowa
Normally since it's his birthday, we'd say 'All hail Xandy!' but we're over here hailing the corn cob cannon king instead. Maybe next year, Xandy. Maybe.
Listen to Alex's newest podcast, Human Seeking Human: https://linktr.ee/humanseekingpod Watch Alex's 12 hour birthday stream! https://www.twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Subscribe to Christine's YouTube channel to watch her read creepy stories! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb-gAs8Evw3ht70wTk1TiMA Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops.
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9/30/2020 • 1 hour, 2 minutes, 37 seconds
95: Daycares in Indiana
Thanks for tuning in to episode 1 of Dilbert + Smash Mouth: A Haunting. We hope you enjoy the nonsensical ramblings of a former Indiana model and his M&M loving sister.
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9/23/2020 • 54 minutes, 30 seconds
94: Airports in North Carolina
You give podcasters a listen, you feed them a meal. Teach podcasters to steal listens, they probably get kicked off their platform. This made slightly more sense with apple sauce...
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9/16/2020 • 53 minutes, 53 seconds
93: Malls in New Jersey
Well this was a weird one, so I'm not sure what to say here. Something something IKEA gnomes and bread bowls. Y'all know.
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9/9/2020 • 1 hour, 2 minutes, 15 seconds
92: Parking Violations Bureaus in Los Angeles, CA
Christine and Alex, the scum of the earth, are back to discuss communism, Kafka, and The Parking Enforcement Agenda (PEA). Christine also throws curses around like they're nothing, so we're sorry in advance if we ruin your life.
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9/2/2020 • 55 minutes, 15 seconds
91: Beaches in Rhode Island
Hey all you naughty gulls, thanks for tuning in to Christine's National Convention. She has only one platform: Eradicate All Ocean Worms. Please don't vote for her.
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8/26/2020 • 1 hour, 2 minutes, 43 seconds
90: Small Towns in Ohio
We're going through our lives as a couple of dunk clowns: We think too highly of ourselves and we laugh at our own jokes.
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8/19/2020 • 1 hour, 2 minutes, 32 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 18
Need more of life's sweet substance? We got you covered. We're back with another episode where we read reviews that you found and sent in to us!
Email us at [email protected] with the subject "Between You And Us" and you might be featured in next month's episode! Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sell out! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy! Subscribe to Christine's YouTube channel to watch her read creepy stories! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb-gAs8Evw3ht70wTk1TiMA Follow Alex on Twitch for Jackbox Games and more! https://www.twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops.
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8/17/2020 • 25 minutes, 52 seconds
89: Lighthouses in Maine
After years of perfecting our popsicle stick versions of episode 89, we've finally released the finished product. In this episode, we read reviews of lighthouses worthy of Steven King's editor. So sit down, heat up your beans, and enjoy the episode. But before you listen, heed this warning: sexy stuff.
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8/12/2020 • 59 minutes, 34 seconds
88: Adult Video Stores in Missouri
Welcome to rush week! There's only one option and it's They-ta They-ta They-ta. And everyone is invited to join! The only hazing will be us forcing you to watch Ants With No Pants on DVD. Welcome!
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8/5/2020 • 55 minutes, 18 seconds
87: Cowboy Boots in Texas
If you're wondering what Jimmy Fingers is up to, he's using those fingers of his to go to https://www.raicestexas.org/ways-to-give/bond-fund/ to donate to the RAICES Texas Bond Fund! They are a nonprofit agency that promotes justice by providing free and low-cost legal services to underserved immigrant children, families, and refugees.
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7/29/2020 • 1 hour, 26 seconds
86: Climbing Gyms in Colorado Springs, Colorado
We're back with possibly the most garrulous podcast in existence. Are we using that right? Anyway, help Christine reach her goal of terminal velocity and help Alexander reach his goal of man spreading all over the internet. We promise the experience will be anything but lugubrious! Ok, no, that definitely can't be right. Where's my thesaurus...
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7/22/2020 • 51 minutes, 51 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 17
This is a historic moment in Beach Too Sandy history. We read the first review where the reviewer changes their own mind while writing the review. Almost as breathtaking as seeing a grackle in the wild. Listen and appreciate the beauty.
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7/20/2020 • 37 minutes, 59 seconds
85: Garbage Plates in Rochester, NY
Think people can't possibly be snobs about something called a 'garbage plate?' Think again, then update your Rolodex. Also, fair warning to people who don't like rats, we talk about them A LOT this episode. Because you know what they say, 'Wheres there hole, rats will find it.' And in our field of dreams, there are plenty of holes for Remy.
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7/15/2020 • 52 minutes, 58 seconds
84: Historical Sites in Italy
After the success of our Disney Parks episode, we decided to do another one! Oh wait, never mind, these reviews are of Pompeii. But apparently some people can't tell the difference. In an attempt to redeem the craziness, we read our oldest reviews yet! And if that doesn't float your gondola, we talk a lot about sewage.
If you want to watch Christine mangle Alex's hair LIVE, follow Alex's Twitch channel here: https://www.twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
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7/8/2020 • 1 hour, 34 seconds
83: Zoos in Norway
Don't be too surprised if we rename our podcast to The Shanti Chronicles, because Alex loves his new adopted Gibbon daughter. The news about her might be the most important part of our episode, but it doesn't take away from the craziness that are these reviews. So be sure to listen to this episode, because it has elks, ducks... everything!
If you want to watch Christine mangle Alex's hair LIVE, follow Alex's Twitch channel here: https://www.twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
To see a picture of Shanti, go here: https://www.instagram.com/beachtoosandy
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7/1/2020 • 1 hour, 6 minutes, 32 seconds
82: Scuba Diving in Guam
Disclaimer: These Podcast Hosts Be Wildin'. Wait, what does that even mean? Anyway, we're reviews of scuba diving in Guam, then Alex reads reviews where the reviewer vows never to return to a state/country. It's just as fun as it sounds! So don't *fundamentally* stop listening to our show and listen to episode 82 now!
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6/24/2020 • 1 hour, 6 minutes, 52 seconds
81: Adventure Parks in Puerto Rico
Who the hell gave us this platform? Oh yeah, you all did... Well thank you for having an IQ higher than a crab and being an outlet for our boring childhood stories. We'll post proof of our "extreme skill and coordination" on our social media in the form of skydiving photos. Enjoy!
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6/17/2020 • 1 hour, 5 minutes, 15 seconds
80: KFC in Japan
Welcome to the Church of Yelp, where we teach you everything it takes to get yourself into hell. We're reading reviews of the "benign personality cult" also known as KFC in Japan. Then, Alex sings a warbling tune of reviews where the reviewer mentions a dream they had. All in all, it's a pretty fun episode to listen to as long as you're not Australian. Fair warning.
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6/10/2020 • 50 minutes, 17 seconds
Podcast Blackout
We will not be releasing a regular episode this week in an effort to listen to, learn from, and amplify Black voices. Tune in to this brief recording or visit https://tinyurl.com/blmforever for tips on joining the fight against racial inequality and police brutality. #TheShowMustBePaused
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6/3/2020 • 3 minutes, 23 seconds
79: Reviews of Water Parks
Between the indiscriminate pooping, tea bags, and bodily excreted waste... this might be our grossest episode yet. But if you can make it through, you can hear our mother's favorite joke. Well, maybe that's the worst part of the episode. We'll let you be the judge. See you in our next show, "Yelper Nightmares!"
Buy our brand new merch! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A and to participate in Jackbox Games nights! Subscribe to Christine's YouTube channel to watch her read creepy stories! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCb-gAs8Evw3ht70wTk1TiMA Follow Alex on Twitch to watch our upcoming Jackbox Games nights! https://www.twitch.tv/xandyschiefer Logo by Courtney Aventura. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops.
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5/27/2020 • 58 minutes, 1 second
Schiefer Madness: Few Things Considered
Welcome to our first weekly Winnie-sode! We discuss jellybean storage, dried up condoms, and we touch on what it's like to be an oxygen-dependent woman of a certain age. That's our story, morning glory!
Follow Alex on Twitch to watch our upcoming Jackbox Games nights! https://www.twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
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5/22/2020 • 35 minutes, 26 seconds
78: Craft Stores in Raleigh, NC
The Schiefer Siblings are coming out to play! And they're on a mission... to normalize... constipation? God this episode is messy. If you want, you're welcome to dive headfirst into this mess of crazy craft store reviews and reviews of cat cafes from people allergic to cats.
This episode is not sponsored by Eagle-Eye Cherry, but we wish it was as he's pretty much the coolest.
Follow Alex on Twitch to watch our upcoming Jackbox Games nights! https://www.twitch.tv/xandyschiefer
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5/20/2020 • 48 minutes, 1 second
Schiefer Madness: Karma Will Prevail
From bidets to porn sites, we talk about pretty much everything this episode. Thankfully it's a bonus episode, so we can do what we want! And so can you, but we'd encourage you to donate to the One Fair Wage Emergency Fund by going to OFWEmergencyFund.org. With your leftover money, feel free to buy yourself a plague doctor mask.
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5/15/2020 • 37 minutes, 32 seconds
77: Lakes in Minnesota
Turn off your Jimmy Buffet and hop aboard the Silky Pig, because we're going yelping! Join us on this amazing natural journey where we discover all the crazies Minnesota has to offer.
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5/13/2020 • 1 hour, 1 minute, 25 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 16
Before you listen to this episode, we've gotta lay down some ground rules. We expect you to either write us a poem or give us a dollar. And once you do, you'll have to follow the golden rule: ~*~Impeccable Vibes ONLY~*~ Only then can we accept you as our succulent listeners.
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5/11/2020 • 45 minutes, 1 second
76: Bowling Alleys in Philadelphia, PA
We've got new merch!! Head over to bit.ly/beachtoosandymerch for a "Lunatic Leftwing Liberal Loser" pin, a "Baron of Cream" shirt or a Beach Too Sandy decal! If you've ever eaten calamari at a bowling alley, this episode isn't for you. Because the lit fairy godmothers Malex and Mristine are judging you. But don't worry, Malex gets what's coming to him when he embarrasses himself by being unable to say "early bird menu" properly. So at least listen to that struggle.
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5/6/2020 • 1 hour, 3 minutes, 52 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 15
Since this was released at 11 PM our time on April 30th, we're counting it as the April Between You And Us. Deal with it or face us and our spirited personalities.
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5/1/2020 • 53 minutes, 41 seconds
75: Buffalo Wings in Buffalo, NY
We hope after listening to this episode, you tell everyone how much we mind blew you with our talk of mutant chickens and souvlaki
#WhitePizzaWith500RawOnionsInAPoolOfWater
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4/29/2020 • 1 hour, 7 minutes, 48 seconds
Schiefer Madness: Animal Crossing
Listen to this week's episode to find out how you can win a copy of Animal Crossing: New Horizons for the Nintendo Switch! If you already own a copy, listen to this episode to hear us audition for the role of Animal Crossing voice actors, and to find out why Christine is on Alex's dodos' no-fly list.
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4/25/2020 • 39 minutes, 40 seconds
74: Cigar Shops in Cuba
Years from now, we believe someone will wonder if Tim Allen was one of the hosts of Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. And that person is Christine Schiefer. Find out what else she thinks Tim Allen was in on this episode of your favorite review reading podcast, this time with less Yelp... since apparently Cuba doesn't have Yelp. But we still think you'll enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.
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4/22/2020 • 55 minutes, 47 seconds
Schiefer Madness: it's about GI troubles that we all have
Calling all iron maiden fans! Whether that's of the band, the medieval torture device, or our mother. We've got an uplifting? bonus episode for you where we only read the positive reviews (mostly)!!!! So come join us for a Gonzo ride in this edition of Schiefer Madness!
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4/18/2020 • 43 minutes, 6 seconds
73: Monuments in Washington, D.C.
YEGADS! In this week's episode, Christine philosophizes and Alex waxes poetic. If that doesn't convince you to listen to this one, then we don't blame you. But we hope you give us the chance to warn you about big brother watching you through light switches and of the dangers of fascist architecture. We promise it's worth it.
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4/15/2020 • 58 minutes, 35 seconds
Schiefer Madness: Erotic Hand Sanitizer
Is that title really not enough for you?
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4/10/2020 • 30 minutes, 45 seconds
72: Resorts in Mexico
Let me tell you something, bro... *thumbs down emoji* *poop emoji *coffin emoji* *nails emoji* *baby bottle emoji* *pill emoji* *wrench emoji* KARMA BACK AT YOU!
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4/8/2020 • 1 hour, 6 minutes, 37 seconds
Schiefer Madness: Tiger King
Hey all you cool cats and kittens! If you haven't watched Tiger King, give in to all the pressure and watch it. Otherwise, this episode is gonna be pretty nonsensical. All we want to do during our stay-at-home order is drink wine and rescue bobcats, but we took the time to record this ridiculous episode. Enjoy!
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4/3/2020 • 54 minutes, 39 seconds
71: Universities in England
Love a good panto? That must mean you're British! So stop whatever yawn-fest you're participating in, and join us as we read reviews of universities in England. Christine also reads some of the worst reviews we've had on the show, and there's nothing redeeming about them. So... enjoy?
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4/1/2020 • 1 hour, 3 minutes, 12 seconds
Schiefer Madness: Quarantine Cuties
You should really listen to this episode, but keep in mind that it won't save your life. Only Lysol can do that apparently. We hope you enjoy this surprise bonus episode. Please stay safe out there! And a very big thank you to everyone who is still working and supporting their communities.
Things you can do during the COVID-19 epidemic: Donate to help kids who depend on school lunches at http://www.nokidhungry.org Avoid purchasing WIC items to save them for families who depend on WIC. Support your local Chinese businesses! Self-isolate! Vulnerable members of the community are depending on all of us to help stop the spread of the virus. And finally, be kind to yourself. If you are struggling with your mental health, you can contact the confidential Crisis Text Line 24/7 by texting HOME to 741741
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3/28/2020 • 42 minutes, 46 seconds
70: Lord of the Rings in New Zealand
Dear Webmaster, Please enjoy this episode of us speaking in runes about Lord of the Rings. After that, Alex gives us a much needed pick me up when he reads reviews mentioning bodega cats, who are as fuzzy as the ham they eat. So turn your ring lights on and try not to be put off to hobbits!
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3/25/2020 • 56 minutes, 18 seconds
Schiefer Madness: Social Distancing
Things you can do during the COVID-19 epidemic:
Donate to help kids who depend on school lunches at http://www.nokidhungry.org
Avoid purchasing WIC items to save them for families who depend on WIC.
Support your local Chinese businesses!
Self-isolate! Vulnerable members of the community are depending on all of us to help stop the spread of the virus.
And finally, be kind to yourself. If you are struggling with your mental health, you can contact the confidential Crisis Text Line 24/7 by texting HOME to 741741
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Music by PSOVOD and tyops.
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3/20/2020 • 1 hour, 5 minutes, 27 seconds
69: Saint Patrick's Day Reviews Extravaganza
If you've never listened to Beach Too Sandy, prepare yourself by imagining you're meeting a 6-foot tall teddy bear with titanium legs. We're reading all sorts of reviews that are related (very loosely) to Saint Patrick's Day! Christine even sings and you definitely don't want to miss it. So pop out your Enya tape and enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.
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3/18/2020 • 1 hour, 22 minutes, 33 seconds
68: Beaches in Australia
If you're considering writing a review of our show while hospitalized, be sure to wait until the morphine has kicked in. Because you might not be happy with us after this episode, especially if you live in Australia. But at least we stay true to our name and read reviews about beaches being too sandy and water being too wet! We'd say that's pretty 5-star worthy but we're a little biased.
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3/11/2020 • 1 hour, 2 minutes, 47 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 14
If you normally listen to our show in the presence of family, we'd recommend switching that up for this episode. And if for some reason you let your children listen to this explicit podcast, DEFINITELY keep them far away from this one. Ok now that the warning is out of the way, allow us to tickle your ears with our tiny hands as we explore awful reviews and the people who write them.
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3/9/2020 • 42 minutes, 15 seconds
67: Reviews of Disney Parks
Sure, we're probably the last people on the planet who should be hosting a podcast episode about Disney, but we still had a blast reading terrible reviews of their 'cloyingly ahistorical' parks. We do our best not to overanalyze the people who go out of their way to write today's reviews, mainly because we ourselves don't seem to know the difference between a large candle and a Disney villain. So throw on your Easter best, return any and all hamsters, and enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.
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3/4/2020 • 1 hour, 12 minutes, 20 seconds
66: Nightclubs in Berlin, Germany
Welcome to Schiefer Family Therapy, where the very hot and extremely humble Alex and croissant-phobic Christine tackle their biggest issues. If you're a family member of ours, please know we are terribly sorry for what you are about to listen to. And we'd honestly rather if you just skip this one... As for the rest of you, sit your bare bottoms down and enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.
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2/26/2020 • 58 minutes, 25 seconds
65: Tescos in Dublin, Ireland
You're joining us live from the travelator in Tesco, where a follower of Christ and her alien intern brother are reading terrible reviews. These two right little chatterboxes have a doozy of an episode for you, so please enjoy this while our meager existences fight against the inevitability that is entropy.
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2/19/2020 • 1 hour, 5 minutes, 38 seconds
64: Valentine's Day Reviews Extravaganza
The Valentine's Lorax has a warning for you: If you were hoping for our Ireland episode, don't listen to this one because you'll have to wait another week. Surprise! It's a Valentine's Day episode! We read reviews of all sorts of things to get you ready to stuff your face with conversation hearts and write your letter to Mr. Grindr. Enjoy!
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2/12/2020 • 59 minutes, 11 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 13
If you look in the mirror and say "RED RAW' three times while spinning, Bernie Schiefer will appear behind you or your money back.
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2/10/2020 • 29 minutes, 41 seconds
Live at Spotify HQ in New York, NY
We made it through our first live show ever!! And now you have the chance to experience our discomfort from the comfort of your home. We had an amazing time and we are so grateful to Anchor, Spotify, and all our beautiful listeners who made this possible. Until we can come to your city, just listen to this, close your eyes, and pretend you're there with us. As long as it's not while you're driving. If you'd rather see Alex make the same face every time he reads a review, check out our YouTube channel where we'll be posting the full video including a Q&A! Enjoy!
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2/7/2020 • 36 minutes, 2 seconds
63: Karaoke Bars in Halifax, NS
We're going international! We visit our neighbors to the north, Canada, to find out how they feel about their karaoke bars. Then, Christine shares reviews of escape rooms written by people who had no business being in an escape room. Secure your patio furniture and hold on to your headphones, because we're exploring awful reviews and the people who write them.
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2/5/2020 • 58 minutes, 22 seconds
62: Dunkin' Donuts in Concord, NH
Grab your plain sticks and your snotty coffee, because we're about to go on quite the journey. First, we read reviews of good old Dunkin' Donuts in the northeast, specifically in Concord, New Hampshire. Then, Alex completes the challenge of finding reviews where people used self defense tools on themselves. And it's just as ridiculous as you think! Tune in to find out where we're going next now that we finished all 50 states!
Go watch our latest YouTube video to see us reveal the man behind the intro: https://youtu.be/l8Qzn-kW2wY
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1/29/2020 • 1 hour, 1 minute, 34 seconds
61: Casinos in Biloxi, MS
Welcome to the Schiefer Casino! We've got Mark who has a gaming license from eBay and Braley is behind the bar serving up only top shelf drinks! We are also known for rewriting LGBT history and for hiding Steak 'n Shakes from Ashley. We welcome everyone (other than knife salespeople) to another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.
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Go watch our latest YouTube video to see us reveal the man behind the intro: youtu.be/l8Qzn-kW2wY
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1/22/2020 • 58 minutes, 1 second
60: Pizza Places in Wichita, KS
After forgetting it existed, we finally find ourselves in Kansas! We read reviews of pizza places and discuss the future of the Tootise film franchise. Then, Alex reads a variety of reviews of gay bars and they're just as good/bad as you expect.
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1/15/2020 • 1 hour, 35 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 12
Greetings from the Schiefer Sisters! We're back for another episode where we read reviews sent in by you, our lovely listeners! So stop smelling horses and put down your pizza rolls, because something is rotten in the State of Yelp... Enjoy!
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1/13/2020 • 1 hour, 1 minute, 6 seconds
59: Resorts in Charleston, SC
We have some actual exciting news this episode, so listen up! Then listen to us read some ridiculous reviews written by both real and not so real people. I'm too sick/seeping too much to think of funny things to write, so just try to enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.
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1/8/2020 • 55 minutes, 57 seconds
58: Arcades in Nashville, TN
Christine (cactus print) and Alex (stripper scent) bring you the first Beach Too Sandy episode of a new decade. We read reviews of arcades, arcade bars, and dueling piano bars (for some reason) in Nashville, TN. Then Alex lives up to his challenge, reading negative reviews of kitchen products that weren't used as intended. Hopefully we don't ruin your entire decade with another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.
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1/1/2020 • 1 hour, 3 minutes, 33 seconds
57: Holiday Reviews Extravaganza
This week, CHRISTine and Alex reveal what is causing the death of all humans... at least according to a single reviewer. Believe it or not, it's not caused by Starbucks holiday cups. Apparently those are just the result of Lunatic Leftwing Liberal Losers like us. Try not to break your finger smashing the play button, and enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.
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12/25/2019 • 1 hour, 16 minutes, 46 seconds
56: Ski Resorts in Burlington, VT
This week, we rewrite The Grinch, repurpose Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, and share other valuable pieces of media in the form of Yelp reviews. We hope this episode doesn't leave your puggle craving human flesh!
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12/18/2019 • 1 hour, 9 minutes, 12 seconds
55: Car Dealerships in Fargo, ND
Happy podversary!! We're celebrating one year of Beach Too Sandy nonsense! Thank you so much for your support this past year. As a special gift, we've finally revealed the identity of the man behind our intro. And no, it's not Bosephus!
So go watch our latest YouTube video to see that reveal: https://youtu.be/l8Qzn-kW2wY
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12/11/2019 • 56 minutes, 5 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 11
All hail King Salmon! Just... don't order him on a cinnamon raisin bagel. In this month's episode, we read some of the worst reviews you've ever sent us. And we're starting to think they cut off all circulation to our heads, because we blacked out halfway through. So throw on your 'flage Crocs and enjoy another special episode of Between You And Us.
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12/9/2019 • 1 hour, 8 minutes, 41 seconds
54: Menards in Eau Claire, WI
Don't do us bogus and give this week's episode a listen. If you don't, Alex is going to take Christine's bathroom breaks away. So hear all about how the state of your local Menards means America is dead, and about how much better Timmy Ho's is compared to everything.
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12/4/2019 • 55 minutes, 2 seconds
53: Thanksgiving Reviews Extravaganza
*Insert Favorite Turkey Noise Here* Welcome to our Thanksgiving special! Now as a fireside chat! Your holiday is about to be ruined by the cornucopia of reviews that Christine brought to the table. Thankfully the couple Mr. and Mrs. Farmer redeem us in the end.
Have an amazing Thanksgiving!
Krissy Kiwi & ~*~tHe PiCkLe GuY~*~
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11/27/2019 • 1 hour, 18 minutes, 11 seconds
52: Dry Cleaners in Columbia, MD
Happy Wonderwall! Throw on your favorite Armani underwear, grab your hottest rock, and enjoy the premiere of Pretty Mayor - the opposite of Undercover Boss. If you want to hear Christine's beautiful singing, you're maybe the only person ever to feel that way. If you don't want to hear Christine's singing, you might want to skip this one.
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11/20/2019 • 1 hour, 51 seconds
51: Golf Courses in Des Moines, IA
*golfer emoji* *golfer emoji* *golfer emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *frisbee emoji* *frisbee emoji* *frisbee emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *hole-in-one emoji*
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This episode is sponsored by FabFitFun. Use coupon code BEACH for $10 off your first box at www.fabfitfun.com #fabfitfunpartner
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11/13/2019 • 1 hour, 4 minutes, 8 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 10
If you're reading this, you are officially banned from LeanCuisine.com. Feeling doo-doo trash about that? Then listen to us read reviews sent in by YOU, our lovely listeners. We hope you love this month's episode, but if you don't we are prepared to pay you 100 plates of calamari.
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11/11/2019 • 41 minutes, 49 seconds
50: Apartment Complexes in Grand Rapids, MI
This week's episode is dedicated to Fat Cat Cora. Remember that time when we exposed a hairy underbelly? Well, this week's underbelly is even hairier. If you're looking for an apartment in Grand Rapids, we hope you don't take this episode into consideration (unless you love egg-hair and microwaved cups of pee). And if you believe the earth is flat, we also don't think this episode is for you. Everyone else, please enjoy us waxing "poetic" on the merits and failings of conspiracy theories... or feel free to hate the fact we did that!
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11/6/2019 • 1 hour, 13 minutes, 1 second
49: Spooky Spots in Salem, MA
Welcome to the Beach Too Sandy Halloween Extravaganza!! We have such an exciting show featuring three very special guests! We bet you're reading this looking for a spoiler of who those guests are. Well guess what, we're not going to spoil the greatest surprise since that time Alex filled a pinata full of beans. But to entice you, here's a preview of what's to come: head lice, 666, ritual sacrifices, roast beef, Joe Bish, chainsaw butt thrusts, and Spooky Kama Sutra. Enjoy this SpOoKy OoKy exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them! And a very special thank you to our guests for making this our BEST episode yet!
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10/30/2019 • 2 hours, 5 minutes, 39 seconds
48: Halloween Stores in Virginia Beach, VA
WHEN YOU YELL, I YELP! Looking for a nose to pick? You've come to the right place. Turn up the Ziggy Idol, put on your star costume, and join us as we kick off spooky-ooky season with Halloween stores in Virginia Beach, VA!
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10/23/2019 • 50 minutes, 38 seconds
47: Wineries in Los Gatos, CA
Hello lovely listeners. Enjoying the table wine? Well why don't we take this back to our garden. We've got plenty of steamed salami to go around ;) Just don't let Louis out, we're happy he left his post at the winery for us. He just really loves when we take him on an exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them!
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10/16/2019 • 50 minutes, 4 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 9
Locusts, cicadas, and hard hats oh my! We're reading the reviews you want to hear! This time we read everything from book reviews to communion wafers. Listen now, because THIS. IS. CRITICAL.
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10/14/2019 • 48 minutes, 39 seconds
46: Fitness Centers in Cheyenne, WY
Welcome to the start of our podcast recording marathon, AKA our descent into madness, AKA our descent into Christine's basement full of teens. Listen as we unload reviews of fitness centers from Cheyenne, WY (and Helena, MT, don't worry). Alex also shares reviews with lots of nudity and hedonistic bellboys. So tune into our liberal cesspool of a podcast as we take you on another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.
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10/9/2019 • 1 hour, 1 minute, 32 seconds
45: Tanning Salons in Huntington Beach, CA
It's Alex's birthday episode and we certainly made the most of it. We discuss killing penguins and the miracle of childbirth, all while Alex intimately sings the praises of Scrub Daddy. Listen to your Podcast Messiah and his sister as they take you on another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.
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10/2/2019 • 1 hour, 4 minutes, 30 seconds
44: Runzas in Lincoln, NE
Don't know what a runza is? Don't listen to us, because we think it's a hot dog bun sewn shut and filled with questionable ingredients. We don't have personal experience because we don't even know where Nebraska is. Thankfully, the good people of Nebraska tell us filthy animals what to really expect. Hop on Alex's wedding gator boat, or on Christine's log-like hide, and we'll take you on another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.
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9/25/2019 • 56 minutes, 31 seconds
43: Antique Stores in Portland, ME
We're heading to Maine on the Gossip Train! We're stopping at the Charles Inn for a ghost made breakfast. Then we'll tour the basement where Stephen King lives, butchering the name of the town while we do it. Enjoy calming episodes of Antiques Roadshow as we pull into our final stop: the future burial sites of Alex & Christine in Kaneohe, Hawaii. So hop on and let our conductor, Gearshift Gambino, take you on another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.
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9/18/2019 • 1 hour, 3 minutes, 27 seconds
42: Ice Cream Parlors in Charleston, WV
Adjust your husky pants and let us show you the world, shining glimmering... something. We're back and we're hungry for what West Virginia has to offer, hairy underbelly and all. So turn your ;( upside down and let these regular bloody stupid johnsons take you on another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.
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9/11/2019 • 47 minutes, 59 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 8
If you’ve ever read the name of our podcast and thought to yourself, "No one would ever complain that their water is too wet..." then boy do we have the episode for you! This week we read reviews sent in by YOU and this week's includes one with that very complaint. Oh and Christine improvises a limerick and Alex speaks in tongues... so your average episode from us.
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9/9/2019 • 33 minutes, 32 seconds
41: Psychics in Albuquerque, NM
This week, we explore the underbelly (and overbelly) of Albuquerque. No clue what that means? Let's just say one has high metaphysical prices while the other is ruled by a farmer friar. Still not making sense? Then rub your Walmart crystals and take a hit from your Skyline flavor vape, because it's time for another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.
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9/4/2019 • 1 hour, 41 seconds
40: Gas Stations in Wilmington, DE
We're forty, flirty, and friving! In this very special episodes, our jet lagged selves offer you a glimpse into what a Schiefer vacation is like. Hint: it involves wet shorts and Mao Zedong. Then we read reviews of gas stations... but they're mostly Wawa weviews. And finally, Alex provides unhelpful insight into what it means to be a religious solicitor.
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8/28/2019 • 1 hour, 17 minutes, 14 seconds
39: Bookstores in Portland, OR
Witness if you will a subway tunnel, long abandoned below the bustling streets of Cincinnati. These tunnels have residents: Yelp reviewers. Let it be known that these reviewers have a disdain for soup and an affinity for Criss Angel: Family Man. You hear them chant, but only incomprehensible jokes about Dan Brown. They long for your company as they take a very meaningful journey into.... Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet.
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8/21/2019 • 1 hour, 11 minutes, 16 seconds
38: McDonald's Restaurants in Billings, MT
This episode is dedicated to all the Tonys out there! Gather your escargatoire, put the salt away, and unfriend all Pauls, because it's time for another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.
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8/14/2019 • 57 minutes, 17 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 7
Slip on some lulus, take a sip of yuppie crack, and dive into another week of crazy reviews sent in by you! Whether your name is Shinny or Sheenad, you'll enjoy this exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.
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8/12/2019 • 49 minutes, 30 seconds
37: Dollar Stores in Birmingham, AL
Hello sweet children of a friend of ours, we hope you're having the BDE. Unfortunately ours is the WDE, because our Hot Bunz aren't working and Christine won't let Alex sell his Ten Renaissance Paintings. While we figure this mess out, please enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them. Otherwise, bad karma is going to happen to you.
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8/7/2019 • 54 minutes, 16 seconds
36: Banks in Charlotte, NC
Welcome to Christine's Unnamed Game Show featuring Skeeve Harvey! In this episode, we cover finance, art history, sports, and rats. And Christine gives us some fascinating insight into her life: she's been to a bank. So enjoy our exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them, now playing on a little girl's YouTube channel.
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7/31/2019 • 1 hour, 4 minutes, 35 seconds
35: Souvenir Shops in Atlantic City, NJ
Alex: *loudly and desperately* "I FOLLOWED NONE OF THAT, BUT I HATED ALL OF THAT" *breaks into a sweat* Christine: *pulls up barstool* "EEK!!" *clinks glass* We hope you enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them, because Alex sure didn't.
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7/24/2019 • 1 hour, 15 minutes, 24 seconds
34: Walmarts in Sioux Falls, SD
Calling all Walmartians! We came out of our basement to bring you an episode chock full of glory holes and racism. But don't worry, Christine left her teen greeters down there with the hair and stains. Needless to say, we hope you enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.
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7/17/2019 • 1 hour, 15 seconds
33: Bars in Columbus, OH
In this week's episode we visit bars in Columbus to perfect our espionage techniques. It turns out, Christine is not a master criminal. Flip on your DB Cooper Baby Monitor and enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.
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7/10/2019 • 51 minutes, 55 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 6
We've intercepted Bob Schieffer's emails to bring you this very important episode. He'd probably give this podcast 0 bombs if he could. But we hope the rest of you enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them, but ones our lovely listeners sent us!
If you'd like to submit a funny review, email us at [email protected] with "Between You And Us" in the subject line.
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7/8/2019 • 49 minutes, 10 seconds
32: Sporting Goods Stores in Anchorage, AK
We're bringing you another episode of Beach Too Sandy! We explore the sporting goods stores of Anchorage and get diplomatic about Alaskan weather. Then, Alex reads reviews written by the hardest criminals around: accidental thieves. Before we release our album of jump rope rhymes, enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.
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7/3/2019 • 46 minutes, 3 seconds
31: Breweries in Little Rock, AR
Grab your tweens and make them listen to our wildest episode yet! Something is absolutely in the water supply and it's not making anyone more sane. Hear what the drunk people of Little Rock are saying about their local breweries, then hear what the conspiracy theorists are saying about Disney World. There's truly something for everyone in this episode, so enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.
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6/26/2019 • 1 hour, 5 minutes, 4 seconds
30: Crab Houses in Baltimore, MD
Hi! We’re new and we don’t know a lot. What we do know is that these reviews are ridiculous as always. We read reviews written by some very crabby people and then Alex proves that Southern California has the best convicts. Please enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.
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6/19/2019 • 59 minutes, 27 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 5
A Beach Too Sandy love story: We love you very much and we will never hurt you.
Come join us as we dive into our email inbox and read the best of the best citizen reviews!
If you'd like to submit a funny review, email us at [email protected] with "Between You And Us" in the subject line.
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6/17/2019 • 47 minutes, 17 seconds
29: Movie Theaters in Providence, RI
We're back with another episode for your listening displeasure. We read the worst reviews of movie theaters in Providence, RI, and Christine reads reviews written from the perspective of pets. I mean, who would want to miss hearing Christine channel her new friend Martin Van Purren? Oh, you? Well then go away. As for the rest of you, please enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.
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6/12/2019 • 56 minutes, 7 seconds
28: Tattoo Shops in Tulsa, OK
Between all the talk of pearls and jumper cables, this episode is particularly heinous. For that reason, we're officially putting a ban on 13-19 year olds listening to this podcast. For everyone else, please enjoy another exploration of awful reviews and the people who write them.
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6/5/2019 • 56 minutes, 53 seconds
27: Ghost Tours in New Orleans, LA
Welcome to our morning morbid show with morning joe. In today's episode, we're taking you on a very bumpy ride through New Orleans. Please refrain from peeing or exposing yourself, no matter what we say in the show. After we give you the rundown of the debauchery of ghost tours, Christine talks about lost corpses and Disney World. Just listen if you want any of this to make sense.
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5/29/2019 • 55 minutes, 23 seconds
26: Parks in Milwaukee, WI
Is it possible for people to give their local parks bad reviews? Yes. And it's as crazy as you'd think! Alex then reads conspiracy theory reviews that no one needs to hear. Whether you listen to this in your home, lighthome, or waffle home, you won't be disappointed! Don't take our words for it, just listen to our new friends: Matthew, Poopie, and Coochie
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5/22/2019 • 50 minutes, 33 seconds
25: DMVs in Phoenix, AZ
Get your sunglasses emoji ready, because we've got some "cool" reviews for you. We're reading the worst reviews of DMVs in Phoenix, AZ. Now imagine how boring an episode like that would normally be, and try to give this one a shot anyway. We end the episode with hilariously awful reviews of restaurants where customers thought they were receiving other people's leftovers.
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5/15/2019 • 34 minutes, 39 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 4
Ghosts, choking, vampires... wait, what podcast is this again? Oh yeah, the one where we take the mask off of humanity and reveal its truest form. And in this episode, we're back to reading reviews sent in by our listeners! Come join us as we dive into our email inbox and read the best of the best.
If you'd like to submit a funny review, email us at [email protected] with "Between You And Us" in the subject line!
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5/13/2019 • 32 minutes, 54 seconds
24: Post Offices in Washington, DC
In our most educational episode yet, we broaden your vocabulary as well as your understanding of the Geneva Convention. But don't worry, there's plenty of stupidity as we explore our nation's capital for the worst post office reviews we can find. Then, Alex gives a challenge to YOU, the listeners, because he's a failure.
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5/8/2019 • 39 minutes, 19 seconds
23: Toy Stores in Chicago, IL
Welcome to Geppetto's Geriatric Sex Dungeon. Grab a doll, pick a booth, and enjoy our tastiest episode yet! We learn about all the toys Chicago has to offer, and we explore the stupidest recipe reviews on the internet!
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5/1/2019 • 42 minutes, 26 seconds
22: Beaches in Honolulu, HI
In this week's episode, we reveal our titular story. We also discuss condoms, feces, and panty liners. So basically... we're discussing humanity this episode. We do that by reading reviews of both ABZ and LDC. No idea what those are? Listen to find out!
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4/24/2019 • 45 minutes, 26 seconds
21: Elementary Schools in Pittsburgh, PA
This podcast made me laugh so bad!!! I threw up. It's time to kick off your Skechers and enjoy a new episode of Beach Too Sandy. While exploring reviews of elementary schools, we inadvertently explore our unfortunate middle school experiences. Enjoy the trauma!
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Music by PSOVOD and typos.
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4/17/2019 • 46 minutes, 51 seconds
20: Nostalgia in Los Angeles, CA
Episode 20 is the extravaganza you didn't know you needed! To mark the special occasion, we surprise each other with reviews of places that are close to our hearts. Hop in Guy Fieri's convertible and take this trip down memory lane with us!
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4/11/2019 • 52 minutes, 54 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 3
Cover your trouser! We're back with some PHAT reviews, ranging from Starbucks to Mount Rushmore. This episode = was passable. Just don't laugh too loudly or we'll call security... and remember, fishing is NOT a crime.
If you'd like to submit a funny review, email us at [email protected] with "Between You And Us" in the subject line!
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4/8/2019 • 27 minutes, 14 seconds
19: Coffee Shops in Seattle, WA
In our quest to find the worst reviews, we may have found the worst one yet. As difficult as that was, we make it through. Next in our journey, we get lost in the Bermuda Triangle of Yelp pages, but we eventually find our way... For the sake of humanity we must continue.
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Music by PSOVOD, and tyops.
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4/3/2019 • 53 minutes, 27 seconds
18: Comedy Clubs in Hartford, CT
This week, Lisa Lampanelli graces us with her voice... and a plea to our beautiful listeners. This is followed by plenty of tallywagging from Alex and hooting from Christine. And we cap it all off with the discovery of... ANTIMONTY! No garlic fries here, just misery and displeasure. Enjoy!
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3/27/2019 • 45 minutes, 44 seconds
17: Hospitals in Boston, MA
In this week's episode, we take on communism, mary-juana, and the feminist agenda. It's truly an episode for the ages. But don't worry, we bleep out the worst of it. Thankfully, the world still gets to hear about Alex's first (and last) Hooters experience. Come along for the experience of a lifetime, and spread the word using #octothorpe.
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3/20/2019 • 41 minutes, 31 seconds
16: Hardware Stores in Nashville, TN
If you ever want to blackmail us with fake audio pulled from various sound bites, boy do we have the episode for you! We provide you with amazing quotes such as "I'm going to flip my shit and burn down this place," and "I typed out the word 'sex' a lot today." And by we, we mean Christine.
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3/13/2019 • 50 minutes
Between You And Us: Episode 2
The voices of a generation reading reviews sent in by fans of a generation. That's right, we're back and we're engaging in civil dialogue. We're reading what YOU want us to read. Instead of spending your hard earned money on over priced cold dessert coffee thing, why not just listen to a free radio show? Btw, we're not armed and we're wearing our "Make America Emo" hats again. Thanks for inserting us into your ears!
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3/11/2019 • 23 minutes, 17 seconds
15: Record Stores in Indianapolis, IN
RudeJuggalo, WeedLMFAO, alxdude9, and imalwayzcrazy444. Which ones are our old AIM accounts and which are new? You have to listen to find out! This week we travel to Indianapolis to visit some of our best friends, including Air Bud, the Indiana Sniffer, Sonic the Hedgehog, and SpongeBob. We're still trying to connect the dots... Grab your accordions, your Faygo, and please keep your septum piercings in your septum!
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3/6/2019 • 48 minutes, 49 seconds
14: Libraries in Los Angeles, CA
Hooded figures, dead bodies, and squirt machines. Or, your average Beach Too Sandy episode. If you think this episode stinks, watch out for our next collab: Corpse-be-Gucci. This episode is ideal for morgues, autopsy rooms, body bags, etc.
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2/27/2019 • 40 minutes, 14 seconds
13: Comic Book Shops in New York, NY
Hear ye hear ye! Green grocers and proprietors alike! We have an episode that will surely challenge your views and give you a bad case of the sweats. Gather yourself below one of the Brooklyn Bridges, open up to page 1 of Christine's Teen Zine, and pour out a cup of our child's water. Just be sure to leave your 2 year olds behind.
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2/20/2019 • 50 minutes, 15 seconds
12: Liquor Stores in Louisville, KY
In this week's episode, the gang announces their next venture (unfortunately it's not a liquor store in Louisville, KY). Please wish us luck on our imminent future as born again Belgians, and please enjoy this episode responsibly.
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Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White.
Music by PSOVOD, plasterbrain and tyops.
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2/13/2019 • 35 minutes, 25 seconds
Between You And Us: Episode 1
In the first edition of our monthly Between You And Us episodes, we read reviews of your most suggested item. This episode is an exploration of the human body and its limits. You will learn so much from this episode, but you won't want to remember any of it. But you should already know what you're getting yourself into...
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2/11/2019 • 16 minutes, 22 seconds
11: Strip Clubs in Las Vegas, NV
WARNING! Do not let your ladies listen to this show. We will steal them from you. In episode 11 we go back to our roots: Vegas strip clubs. More specifically, the Chippendales show which helped launch the idea for this podcast. Now’s your chance to hear a brother and sister relive the moment where they were forever scarred. If you like what you hear, hop on the nearest FedEx truck - we’ll meet you “at spa”!
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2/6/2019 • 35 minutes, 46 seconds
10: Museums in Boise, ID
Welcome to episode 10 of the podcast where a couple of poorly dressed jobsworths read awful reviews. This very special episode is full of big announcements and big egos. We even answer the age old question: Which has more museums, Boise or New York City? We also discover the world of people who get excited by squirrels, making this our most wholesome episode yet. But don't get too excited, because we're still being described as "what muppets would sound like on crack."
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Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White.
Music by PSOVOD, Sirkoto51 and tyops.
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1/30/2019 • 45 minutes, 56 seconds
9: Waffle Houses in Atlanta, GA
What's the difference between Waffle House and your friendly neighborhood orgy? According to this week's reviews, possibly nothing. Whichever one you're going to, be sure to watch out for pink eye!
"SIGNED ALEX AND CHRISTINE!"
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Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White.
Music by jgreer, PSOVOD and tyops.
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1/23/2019 • 31 minutes, 1 second
8: Dentists in Denver, CO
Psst... yeah you... ever heard of... Presbyterianism? Then do we have the episode for you. We explore Denver for the worst reviews of dentists. Then we spread the good word of Ouija board reviewers. Take a break from your job as a bad teeth model and enjoy the sweet sugar voices from the unflossed mouths of Christine and Alex.
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Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White.
Music by jgreer, PSOVOD and tyops.
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1/16/2019 • 38 minutes, 38 seconds
7: Bridal Shops in Houston, TX
Buckle up, folks, because things are about to get "unsettling." Tune in to hear bridal store reviews from angry brides-to-be in Houston...and their dolls. Meanwhile, Alex introduces a couple toy-loving adults and expresses his own desire for a talking bird robot. Thinking of giving us negative 5000 stars? Big mistake...HUGE!
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Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White.
Music by Robinhood76, zagi2, qubodup, jgreer, PSOVOD and tyops.
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1/9/2019 • 27 minutes, 5 seconds
6: Pet Stores in Salt Lake City, UT
Lost the instruction manual for your new pet bird? You’ve come to the right place! This week we read pet store reviews in Salt Lake City before trailBLAZing down an uncomfortable path of sci-fi erotic fiction…kindle edition. Tune in for bad snake advice, gladiator music and, as always, plenty of disgruntled customers.
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1/2/2019 • 33 minutes, 17 seconds
5: Hair Salons in Ann Arbor, MI
Join us this week as we head to Ann Arbor to hear what people think of their local hair salons. Please enjoy, but watch out for the dead body out back.
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12/26/2018 • 16 minutes, 51 seconds
4: Tech Stores in Jacksonville, FL
Wuz up! In episode 4 we explore the world of tech stores in Jacksonville, FL.
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Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White.
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12/19/2018 • 20 minutes, 44 seconds
1: Grocery Stores in Cincinnati, OH
Welcome to the first official episode of BTSWTW, featuring 1-star reviews of grocery stores in Cincinnati, OH.
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Logo design by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White.
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12/12/2018 • 20 minutes, 49 seconds
3: Car Washes in Minneapolis, MN
It's episode three, y'all! Tune in for some...interesting...reviews of car washes in Minneapolis, MN.
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Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White.
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12/12/2018 • 21 minutes, 23 seconds
2: Hotels in Kansas City, MO
Episode two is here! We cover 1-star reviews of hotels in Kansas City, MO.
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Logo design by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White.
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12/12/2018 • 24 minutes, 27 seconds
TRAILER
Is your beach too sandy? Water too wet? Ice too cold? More importantly, do you feel like yelling about it on the internet? We’re here to help. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet features dramatic readings of one-star reviews written by people who just need to have their voice heard. Episodes released every Wednesday.
Logo designed by Courtney DeKorte Theme by Mavus White
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